“How to overcome fear” is our theme on She Blossoms this week; today I received two questions about coping when you feel scared you’ll never find love, or feel loved by a man.
Here’s what one reader said on my article about wanting to fall in love and get married:
“I feel like this was literally written for me,” writes S. on When “I Want to Get Married” is All You Can Think. “I’m often finding myself thinking ‘I want to get married. Why hasn’t anyone fallen in love with me? What is wrong with me? Doesn’t God love me?’ I have cried because I feel so hopeless, lonely and alone. But once in a while I get an overwhelming feeling that God is aware of the desires of my heart. He will act when the time is right, so I don’t need to feel scared I’ll never be loved. Until then, I pray for peace and the will to fulfill some of my dreams. Also, for courage to go out there and do what makes me happy as I wait. Thank you for this.”
It’s normal to veer between the fear you’ll never fall in love, and peaceful hope for the future. I didn’t get married until I was 35 years old, and was definitely scared I’d never be loved by a man! I didn’t know how to receive or give love, but I knew I wanted to get married. I knew I wanted a family…I just didn’t know how to get one.
How do you cope with when you’re feeling scared you’ll never be loved? I’d love to hear from you below. In this article, you’ll learn my how I cope with fears — and what I learned just today about overcoming fear of the future.
5 Ways to Overcome Fear of Not Finding Love
My “She Blossoms” articles are broken up into five different categories, for a holistic approach to love and life. I write about the whole woman: Spirit, Heart, Soul, Body, and Brain.
1. Spirit Blossoms – Find wholehearted ways to overcome fear
This morning, I realized that there’s a world of a difference between knowing intellectually that you don’t need to be afraid of something versus resting your heart on God’s love and peace. For instance, you may know intellectually what to do when you feel scared you’ll never fall in love…but it doesn’t ease your anxieties or calm your heart.
Take a deep breath. Consider the difference between head and heart knowledge. Head knowledge includes thoughts such as “I can live without a man to love” or I am worthy and good enough to be loved.” Heart knowledge, on the other hand, is the deep-seated rest and peace that you are loved by the God who created you…and that you have nothing to fear.
2. Heart Blossoms – Set your heart on the source of true love
Once you figure out the difference between head and heart knowledge, you can focus on developing your heart knowledge. Heart wisdom will help you know what to do when you feel scared you’ll never be loved. Heart wisdom will help you rest in God’s peace, love and joy — and accept that even if you never find a man to love you the way you want, you’ll still be a happy, fulfilled, secure woman.
This is heart wisdom: setting your heart on the fact that your identity and self-worth has to come from God, not from a man. Make your relationship goals part of your life, not your whole life. I know how lonely it is to be alone, especially after experiencing a wonderful marriage or healthy love relationship. But, a loving relationship with a man can’t be the focus of your life. If it is, you’re the target of fearful attacks of panic and anxiety. If you make finding love or falling in love with a man your main focus in life, you’ll be overcome with regular bouts of fear.
3. Soul Blossoms – Explore different types of love
We yearn for love because we need someone to share our day with. We need to talk about the little things: what we saw, how lunch went, who we bumped into at the store or in the elevator. Right now, you don’t have a partner to tell those little things to. Understandably, you’re scared and even confused about your future. What if you never find love? What will you do with this fear for the rest of your life? Instead of fixating on your fears, focus on the love you do have.
A creative tip for overcoming fear when you’re scared you’ll never find love is to practice the art of good relationships. Maybe you have a friend, neighbor, coworker, or kindred spirit hiding somewhere in your life. I know there’s a huge difference between sharing your life with someone — intimate, romantic love — versus sharing family ties, or a common workspace, or a neighborhood. But, you can develop strong, healthy relationships with the people in your life now. This will prepare you to have a beautiful, long-lasting loving marriage or relationship in the future.
4. Body Blossoms – Bring up the rear!
Do you want to live constantly in fear, panic, and anxiety? Then, focus on your fear that you’ll never be loved. When you feel scared about your future relationships and life, keep thinking about how awful it’ll be to live and die alone. And you’ll descend into depression and loneliness if you allow those “I’ll never be loved! What do I do?” feelings to overwhelm you.
Or…a better option…you could focus on getting emotionally and physically healthy. The stronger and fitter you feel, the better able you’ll cope with fear, depression, and anxiety about never falling in love again. The more endorphins and “happy hormones” you have floating around your system, the better you’ll sleep and the happier you’ll feel. Bring up your rear end by starting a new fitness plan. Come, walk with me at 5:15 am every morning! It’s still dark, but it’s awesome.
5. Brainy Blossoms – Fix your mind on what’s good, right, and pure
The truth is, you may never find the love you yearn for. You may never fall in love and build a relationship with a man…and you may never get married. What if God doesn’t give you the desires of your heart? The worst may happen to you: you end up living the rest of your life alone. This can happen to any of us, no matter how much love we have now, how long we’ve been married, or even how many children we have. It’s very possible that we end up alone, perhaps even wondering what to do and feeling scared of never being loved when we’re 97 years old!
The best way to cope with fears of never finding love and dying alone is to accept that it may happen. You don’t need to resign yourself to a depressed, lonely existence…rather, be open to the possibility that life may or may not bring love. God may or may not bless you with a partner. You may experience more love than your heart can handle, or you may wander the earth forever, constantly struggling and wondering what to do because you’re getting older and older and you still haven’t found the love you’re looking for.
If you’re worried about spending the rest of your life feeling lonely, afraid and unloved, read How to Deal With Your Fear of Being Alone.
What do you think? Your thoughts – big and little – are welcome below! I read every comment, and would love to hear from you.
And don’t worry: I won’t give advice on what to do when you feel scared you’ll never be loved, nor will I tell you what to do. You have a source of wisdom that goes far beyond me, and you’ll listen to His voice when you’re ready. Then, your faith will give you the strength and courage you need to walk into the next season of life…and Blossom into who God created you to be.