What to Do When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Time for You


If you feel neglected and lonely because your boyfriend doesn’t spend time with you, it’s time to push the pause button. Here’s what to do when your boyfriend doesn’t make time for you or your relationship. You don’t have to sit back and wait for your him – you have more power than you think!

I was inspired to share these tips for coping with a physically distant or emotionally absent boyfriend by a reader. “I am always lonely, and I complain to my boyfriend because he doesn’t have time for me,” says D on 8 Signs He’s Not in Love With You. “He says he understands and that I need to give him time and we both need to weather the storm together. I don’t know what this means. My friends and family say he isn’t prioritizing me or our relationship. It’s been five months of him almost never spending time with me, and I’m lonely and confused. Is my boyfriend not interested in me anymore? What do I do?”

Don’t let your boyfriend’s choices affect how you see yourself. If he’s choosing not to spend time with you, do not assume it means you are not lovable, valuable, or worthwhile. Find ways to love and honor yourself, to see yourself the way God sees you. You are creative, smart, quirky, funny, and beautiful. You deserve a relationship that fills you up and helps you love yourself for who you are. You deserve a boyfriend who wants to spend time with you, who is eager to be with you!





Your boyfriend likes you and maybe is even in love with you. He’s in a relationship with you, after all. The problem is that he is prioritizing other things in his life over you. He’s not making time for you. Can you live with your boyfriend and his choices – without him changing – exactly the way he is right now? Because you can’t change who he is. You can do a few things to do get his attention without manipulating or controlling him, but you can’t change his personality, lifestyle, or habits unless he really wants to change.

When your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you, you have two choices:

  1. You can focus on him and your relationship
  2. You can focus on your own growth and self-development
What to Do When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Make Time for You

What to Do When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Make Time for You

I vote for option #2, because that’s the best way to respond to a boyfriend who doesn’t make time for you. Don’t focus on him; focus on your own spiritual, emotional, and physical health.

Read through my tips for what to do when your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you below. I encourage women to create healthy, abundant, interesting lives outside their relationships. Learning how to stop being a needy girlfriend is a double bonus: it makes you happy and fulfilled, which makes you more attractive to men. So your boyfriend will WANT to spend time with you because you are healthy, happy, and whole.

Here’s the rest of my reader’s comment:

“He’s my first boyfriend, and we got back together after 12 years apart,” says D. “We are in our 30s. We ran into each other eight months ago and were excited to get back together. He had made so much money, and he kept saying he needs someone to talk to and to arrange his life. So he’s not really organized and his work gets in the way of our spending time together. I don’t know if he really has time for a girlfriend or if he even cares about me. I feel desperate and clingy.”

If you, too, feel desperate and clingy, read 10 Ways to Stop Being a Needy Girlfriend.

What to Do When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Make Time for You

There is no “one size fits all” answer that applies to every relationship. You need to listen to the still small voice inside of you, and decide where to focus your time and energy. There is no right answer.

What do you want out of your life, your relationship, your boyfriend? That’s where you must start.

1. Figure out what you want out of your relationship

Your boyfriend is clear on what he wants and how much time he’s willing to invest in your relationship. He’s making choices and he’s sticking to them – regardless of how it makes you feel. He’s setting his boundaries and limits.

You need to do the same thing! You must clarify what type of love relationship (and, eventually, marriage) you want. You really do have the power to control your future. It’s up to you to take the reins, rise above your wishes, and stop saying “but I want and wish….” You need to stop letting your emotions (“I want to be married, I want my boyfriend to love me and spend time with me, I want to start a family”) control you. Instead, start thinking like a smart, savvy, strong woman.

Ask yourself these questions:

my boyfriend has no time for me

  • Does my boyfriend show me he loves me in concrete ways?
  • How well does my boyfriend’s actions match his words? Does he say he loves me, but then he doesn’t spend time with me or prioritize me in his life?
  • If my boyfriend never changes, can I be happy in this relationship?
  • Is this the man I want to marry?
  • Will my boyfriend be there for me and our kids, if we do get married?
  • Is he financially, emotionally, and professionally stable?

Be honest with yourself. If you think you want a long-term relationship with your boyfriend – or even to marry him – make sure you ask the right questions. Talk to him about his vision of your relationship, and really listen carefully to your boyfriend’s answers. It’ll help you figure out if he’s the right man for you.

And be painfully honest with yourself. If you know your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you now, how can you be sure he’ll make time for you in the future? His current choices and actions show his priorities. If you are important to him, he will find a way to see you. If you’re not, then he’ll find excuses.



Need encouragement?

Sign up for my free weekly Blossom Tips!

* indicates required



2. Decide if you can accept your boyfriend as he is, right now

Don’t hope and expect your boyfriend to change, because he won’t. Yes, people can and do change…but only if they’re motivated. Only if they want to change, if they have a reason that’s important to them.

If your boyfriend is immersed in his work, friends, hobbies, or goals right now, then he may prioritize them first for the rest of his life. Can you live with this? If you want this relationship to work, you need to accept that your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you now, and he likely won’t have time for you after you get married, settle into a house, and have kids together. Don’t keep going deeper into the relationship with the expectation or hope that he will change. Your boyfriend may change and can change, but you can’t force or even expect him to change.

You need to accept your boyfriend for who he is right now. If he hasn’t been spending time with you for awhile, read 7 Ways to Know if Your Relationship is Worth Fighting For.

3. Tell your boyfriend how you feel about him and your relationship – once

Be honest. Tell him how it makes you feel when he spends all his time working, hanging out with friends, playing video games, or detailing his car. Say something like, “I feel _(sad?)_  and  _(lonely?__ when you don’t spend time with me. My ideal relationship would involve us spending X amount of time on weeknights or weekends together.”

Ask your boyfriend how much time he can reasonably commit to your relationship. One date a week? Two hours a month? Get specific. Give him space to talk, to be honest with you. Don’t guilt or shame him because he’s not the boyfriend you want. He is choosing not to spend time with you for a reason. He might not be able to share that exact reason because he may not even be aware of it! Many of us have no idea why we do what we do. Personal insight and self-awareness is really hard to gain.

After you and your boyfriend have a talk about your relationship, let it go. Don’t initiate the same conversation more than once. It doesn’t help to keep telling your boyfriend you are lonely, confused, sad and frustrated because he doesn’t have time for you. He heard you the first time. If he wanted to change, he would.

4. Remember that all relationships go through ups and downs

Back to my reader, D. She says: “The work project my boyfriend spent all his money failed, and he banked on another. That failed, too.”

She added that it’s been five months since her boyfriend’s work failure. “My once beautiful relationship is now a shadow of itself. My boyfriend doesn’t give me time or attention anymore, and does not let me visit, although he pays me surprise visits at intervals. He said he wants to be left alone, as he is working tirelessly to get back on his feet.”

What to Do When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Time for You

What to Do When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Time for You

Many men see their value and self-worth in their work and finances. Some guys don’t want to embark on a committed love relationship until their professional life is stable and even prosperous. Others can’t focus on both work and love. They simply need to focus on one aspect of life at a time.

If your boyfriend doesn’t have enough time for you because of his work commitments, you might give him time to deal with his career. It’s hard to know if your boyfriend isn’t spending time with you because of a short-term crisis that is commanding his attention (which you should respect and allow space for), or if he’ll always choose his other priorities over you. Is this simply a stage in your relationship or is this part of your boyfriend’s personality? If he’s a workaholic, he’ll never ease up on his job.

Read How to Be Honest With Your Boyfriend for tips on how to set boundaries in your relationship with him.

5. Create a life outside your boyfriend and your relationship

This is the most important – and the most fun – thing to do when your boyfriend doesn’t spend enough time with you: create your own interesting, fulfilling, exciting life!

The healthiest way to respond to a boyfriend who doesn’t have time for you is to build a life you love. Do not make him the center of your existence. Find what inspires and energizes you. What makes you happy? Your boyfriend is part of your life – he is not your whole life. The happier and healthier you are, the more attractive you’ll be to him.

Questions to help you figure out who you are:

  • Where is your life going?
  • Who do you want to be?
  • What are your passions, hobbies, interests, loves?
  • When are you happiest?
  • Why did God create you? What is your purpose on this earth?

The best way to handle a boyfriend who doesn’t have time for you is to COME ALIVE! Find life, be yourself, choose authenticity, take risks…be who you were created to be. Get emotionally and spiritually healthy.

Learn how to love yourself.

6. Do not let your relationship consume your self-identity

For your sake and for your relationship’s sake – and for your kids if you have them – you need to create your own life and identity outside of your relationship. You can’t let your identity get wrapped up in you boyfriend or his life, or you’ll lose yourself.

When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Time for YouIn Get the Guy: Learn Secrets of the Male Mind to Find the Man You Want and the Love You Deserve, Matthew Hussey describes how to land a first date, establish emotional intimacy, and find lasting love. You won’t just attract the right guy, you’ll start to understand how men think and what they’re looking for. Attracting the right guy is about being confident in who you are and the value you bring to the table – so you can find a guy who’s as great of a catch as you are.

What do you think – does your boyfriend have time for everything and everyone but you? If you think it’s a sign of how he feels about you, read How to End a Relationship When You’re Scared to Be Alone.

I welcome your comments welcome below…I can’t give you relationship advice or tell you why your boyfriend isn’t spending time with you, but writing might help you figure things out.

May your relationship be filled with love, forgiveness, and commitment. And, may you find courage, strength, and honesty to share exactly how you feel and what you need from your boyfriend.



xo




Your thoughts are welcome below! I don't give advice, but you can get free relationship help from marriage coach Mort Fertel.




Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

110 thoughts on “What to Do When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Time for You

  • Willow

    We live about two hours apart from each other. Having met online, we got to know each other really well and I have never been as open with anyone else. I’ve been very hurt in the past by guys I thought liked me for who I was, rather than simply someone to be intimate with. Only I was always left disappointed.
    He’s different; he never pressures me or manipulates. I can truly see a future with him. We’re so similar and yet we have aspects to each other that are different, which is an exciting addition. We used to chat frequently every day and phone each other for hours.
    But when he got a job and started university again, he always seemed busy and we could go days without even texting. I mentioned this to him and he messaged me every day for a while afterwards, but then he would vanish for a week a fortnight or so later. He wouldn’t open any messages, let alone reply, and I was left paranoid and worrying whether he really cared, and if I would never hear from him again.
    He would always reply eventually and would say he was so busy, he’s so sorry, and that he loves me. I always thought he would never vanish without warning again after realising how bad I felt, but he does. I feel awful about making him even more stressed with his life (he only gets one day off a week at the moment) but I need to think of myself and keeping all my feelings to myself isn’t healthy.
    If I ended it, I worry how broken he would be. I believe he does everything he believes he can but it just isn’t enough.
    When I suggested he tells me when he needs time away from social media and then promises me a time when he would be back, he did it for a while but then stopped. He has also broken promises such as booking train tickets to see each other due to his workload. feel taken for granted and disrespected. I believe he is a good person and simply cannot cope. He mentioned quitting his job a month or so ago because he believed he has taken on too much but he hasn’t. I feel dreadful for increasing the burden he bears.
    When his uni deadlines and the busy Xmas period at work are over I hope it can get back to normal, but it’s really too much right now. I don’t want to end the relationship as I only want more of his attention, but it may be the best thing to do.
    Now he has gone again, putting his phone on do not disturb, I feel gagged. I can’t voice how I feel if he isn’t there to hear it.
    I want him to tell me when he needs a bit of time to work and to promise when he’ll be back on his phone, because not knowing is torture. I do respect he has a lot to do and do not want to ruin his career by him putting me first. But I can’t gain the closure I want when he disappears and seems to block me out of his life, and I always have the fear that one time he will never reappear. He has never really proved his feelings for me and there are only limited chances; we both need to live our lives.

  • Sophie

    I’ve just spent the morning watching several Matthew Hussey videos which eventually lead me to this thread. I feel so exhausted mentally in my current relationship. We have been dating now for a little over a year. I love him….but loving someone isn’t always enough? (as I learned from my 14 year past marriage). Like so many write about- in the beginning our relationship was great. He was attentive, complementary, encouraging….we probably became intimate too quickly but it was amazing (sex was fantastic/frequent) and I felt desired and appreciated. It was like he couldn’t get enough of me. He has a stressful job and narcolepsy so sometimes he had low energy but it was something I accepted as we were spending a lot of time together.
    This all changed when he discovered his teenage daughter (14) was having sex…he became more distant, moody and I knew he wanted to focus on spending more time with her. I understood and supported him during that time- We went from spending a few nights together hanging out to seeing each other only once a week for 2 hours- still though during this time he would text and call and he was reassuring that we were going to continue to progress.
    In late May/June my mom, (who was fighting cancer), became more ill requiring greater assistance. During this time he was really present for me, supportive in ways I needed and really a rock. My mom passed away in June. I know during this time I gained some weight (probably close to 15 pounds). I’ve always been heavier so the weight I gained made me feel more insecure, but he didn’t seem to notice-
    I became involved in activities over the summer and had less free time. It seemed he missed me more and couldn’t wait to see me or spend time together. He use to come to my house and we would alternate. Slowly this began to fade again. (He hasn’t been to my house since August and I always have to go there).
    He has decreased our communication by not texting as much (although he blames this on group messages and just becoming overwhelmed with keeping up with it- I know it’s juvenile to even mention texting but when it was a standard in our relationship and then it disappears I miss it). He doesn’t appear to want to spend as much time together, but yet when I’m there he always says he is really glad I came over. My insecurities have been in overdrive lately. I feel needy asking him if everything is okay between us. He assures me we are good but something is off. Now I’m luck if we spend one night together just watching a movie. We’ve only been intimate once in the last month. He says he loves me, that he is in this for the long hall….yet I feel so selfish saying it’s just not enough. He has brought up moving in together twice but then when I approach it he has so many excuses about why we cannot move forward with the plan. It’s as if he is giving me just enough to keep me from leaving but not enough for me to feel satisfied in the relationship. I began to devalue myself again (a pattern I believe) thinking I wasn’t good enough for him/attractive enough and it’s comsuming….it’s like my heart and head are telling me two different things and I just don’t know what to do. Perhaps putting this out there in the universe will give me more clarity- what I know right now though is that I love him….but will it be enough when I want more than he can give or is willing to give right now? I’m not disillusioned….I know relationships take work, I just feel like lately I’m the only one contributing.

  • Mary

    I have one month relationship now and we have this so called Long Distance Relationship because he was staying and working in different state it was 2hrs drive from my state to his and we only see each other or have some quality time once a week or twice a week it depends, he was working in night shifts and he was driving miles going to work and going back home to his place so it was difficult for him to have most of his time for me, we have a on and off chat everyday, how we go on on our days, what do we have to each other, we share things through chatting pictures, events, feelings and even some happenings about work. But then again I was feeling this way, I always wanted to be with him, I wanted to have several days to see him and sometimes he cannot communicate me well because he is tired and he needs to take rest after work. I just don’t know if I’m still willing to go on like this, because sometimes it makes me feel like he is not giving me importance. He is nice, he is lovable, and I can understand that he is trying his best to give me time, it was just me It was not enough for me and I still complain that I wanted more.

  • Ronnie

    So I’ve been dating my boyfriend for just over 5 months. I see him for one hour a week on a Friday, and sometimes he’s even too busy to come. I’ve been to his house only twice and haven’t been introduced to his mum properly or anything. He loves sport and is always busy doing sport, but its weird cause if I can make time for him they I will try as much as I can. He gets a lower wage than me and works more, but we haven’t even been out for a little date or meal yet. He hasn’t told or shown me he loves me apart from the start of the relationship. I have had previous relationships that were awful, I was treat awfully. He, is different, I don’t see him much but when I do he treats me well. I love him, but I just don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve told him how I feel, it turned into an argument and I was the one who ended up apologising. What would you do:(

  • crescendo

    Hi, I’m dating this guy April 2017 November 2017. I never met any of his friends or his family members. He went out to dinner with his family about 5 minutes away from where I live and called me up tell me who is there and he said The only person that’s missing here now is my other son and his sons brought their girlfriends. But it lets me now he loves me and wants to marry. Then he sent a picture of engagement ring I come home one day look at my mailbox there’s an envelope no writing on it no no inside but there Rings inside. Never included me with this birthday party or we went to a friend’s house at a picnic. We don’t spend the weekends together he may stop by for an hour or two and that’s it. And when we do go out he he acts like I’m a buddy.

    • Ronnie

      If I were you, I’d see sense and i’d leave. If people want to change and make you happy then they will. It’s kay sometimes to be hurt by a decision you have to make, but you’re probably missing out on something amazing.

  • Janie

    There’s a guy I’m in love with I use to see him around I don’t anymore we talk everyday. Need help asap he never makes any time for me at all because of it I feel lonely and sad all the time this has been going on for 2 years now. Don’t know what to do anymore.i try everyday not to think about it so I do what I can to keep myself busy I’m a single mother of 4 3 at home but they are older now. Don’t want to be alone in my life.

  • Maria

    I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months. At 1st it was amazing! He told me he luvd me 1st And would send me sweet txt msgs. We’ve always got and long and still do. We never argued fought or even yelled at each other. We always laugh and have fun even if we’re not doing anything. We have a lot in common to. The sex is absolutely amazing and we have a lot of fun with it….He just bought a little market out in the country and owns a small bar in town. Things r different now. I know hes constantly busy and we don’t see each other as much. I feel we’re distant now and I hate it. I do talk to him about how I feel. He says that it’s going to be this way for awhile. I told him if our luv is strong and true we’ll get thru this but he thinks its going to ruin us. Hes been thru some bad relationships and so have I and I think it could be cuz we’ve never been in one like this and it’s scaring us in away. He said I make him happy. He has 2 Boys who I’m close to. He has let the business get in the way some but he’s trying to change that. He told me his priorities r his kids which should be his businesses and then me. He needs his money to provide for his kids but I didn’t like how he said I was last. I told him to and he said he didn’t mean to say it that way. I luv this man and I know he luvs me cuz if we didn’t we wouldn’t still be tighter. When I do see him he’s so tired and worn out and I wish I could help him but he won’t take my offer. He does respect me and has been faithful. Cuz when he’s not with me he’s working and vice versa. I pray this works out cuz I can’t take another heartbreak and disappointment again. He’s 47 I just turned 40 and we’re getting to old for games etc…so plz tell me what u think.

    • Tracy

      I think that you guys are going through a hard time but it will surely pass. If you really love him then you will be there for him till this time problem ends. You see, if two are meant to he together then they dont give up through their ups and downs. A serious relationship isnt meant to be all rainbows and happiness. If you believe he loves you and you want a life with him, then get through this together.

  • Peggy

    My boyfriend and I have been in a long distant relationship for almost a year. We are in our middle 60’s. We live 4 and 1/2 hours away from one another. Usually when we meet up half way or at one of our homes we are very excited to see one another.
    John is retired, I’m not. The problem I’m having with my boyfriend is that when he’s not with me he has a very busy schedule with his social life. I’m becoming resentful that he schedules his time with me around his social life, golfing and his hobbies. I do not feel I’m a priority in his life. Im a real Estate agent which allows me to take time off when I need to or want to. He is my priority and schedule my time with him around my work and always try to include him in my life……I love him very much and he comes first
    I read your artical on what do you do when your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you. Makes a lot of sense. Any other advise you can give me?

  • Kessian

    Me and this guy going down for about 6 months now,he used to be my me very often. Right now he probably passed by twice for the month, and the reason why is because it had football. He not spending no time with me anymore, and he said he loves me,if he sees me on the street, different he loving me up.but to come and spend time is a different story.he will sleep by me if he happens to see me but otherwise he not spending no time with me. What should I do?

  • Rachel

    This article brought some things home for me. I’m in a 5-month relationship but we have known each other for 16 years; the first 3 months were perfect, it was summertime and we had loads of time for each other (I’m at university and he was set to begin in the fall after 9 years in the military). He moved 5 hours away to the uni of his choice about a month ago and it is NOT easy for me. To make things worse, he’s running into a ton of financial and family problems so he has no time or attention for me. He told me when he left he wants to break up, but “wait for each other” and get back on track in a few months when he’s stable in his new life. I know I should respect this but my need for attention and affection is nearly suffocating at times. He says I should text whenever I feel like it, and set up phone calls… he always responds and is very obliging to talk on the phone in the evenings. It’s just so hard for me. I wish he wanted the same things as I do at this point, which is to be at the same school, living together. I made some noise about transferring down to where he is but he wasn’t thrilled so I didnt… and I get it, because he can hardly manage himself right now so surely he can’t manage both of us. I want to wait until February (that’s just the time I have set for myself) before moving on if we’re still not on the same page… but even with an incredibly full life, the feelings of emotional abandonment hit me so hard when I’m alone.

  • Kema

    This is the best article I’ve read so far I love this article it is a motivation article on showing you how to love yourself and keep your man at the same time and putting you first 😍 thanks!

  • Laurie Post author

    The best way to cope when your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you — or with anything in life, whether you’re in a relationship or not! — is to get emotionally and spiritually healthy. It’s not the relationship or your boyfriend that needs changing; it’s your own health. The healthier and stronger you are, the better you’ll be able to cope with the blips that always happen in life and relationships.

    Sometimes we need to press the “pause” button. We need to get off the roller coaster of dealing with all the things life throws at us, and asses our own emotional and spiritual health.

    What do you need to take care of? What are you avoiding? That’s where you should start…

  • Alanna

    I’ve only been with my boyfriend for about four months, but he never has time for me. he’ll only talk to me if I text or call first, and even then it’s iffy on when he’ll get back to me. I know that he works a lot, but he also has other things that he does in his free time, and I haven’t seen him or hung out with him in almost two months- which is like half our relationship! Ugh, I just don’t know what to do

    • Julia

      Get yourself out there and carry on as before you met him. See you’re friends. Enjoy you’re hobbies. Throw yourself into work. Anything to distract yourself from waiting for the call from him (which probably won’t come).
      Keep you’re options open in the event Mr perfect might be out there waiting to make you feel loved and wanted in life. Good luck.

  • Candice

    Ive been in a relationship for almost four years. We have an amazing relationship, however my mom passed away at the beginning of the year and im at a huge cross roads in my Job – which im hating.

    I feel like i really need support, im drowing with doubt, grief and the idea of changing my Job. My boyfriend is a chef and works on weekends, I asked him one saturday to please take a sick day so we could spend the weekend together, I’m happy to pay and spoil him I just really needed the support. He takes his Job increadibly seriously and refused, I’ve told him how Im currently feeling and he says he wants us to grow together but i dont know how we can. We had plans to go work on the yatchs and he has changed the month and moved it further for work i cant help but feel unsupported.

    We do live together but we are like two passing ships. I know asking him to take a sick day is incredibly selfish of me but I was – to be honest, desperate. I am feeling incredibly alone

    Any advice?

  • shahana

    Inspiring…it helps to know I’m not alone. My boyfriend doesn’t have time for me, and I think I should end our relationship.

  • jeevi

    Hello there just recently a week ago i and my boyfriend had a misunderstood i was suspest him and too possessive with,he always said give me some time i need focus in my work if i work hard now in future we both can live happily,i understand i trust him but i cant stop suspect him .He got irritate on me now we both less talk ,i really cant be talking without him

  • Laurie Post author

    Anabel, if your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you because of his job, then you have to decide if you’re willing to stick with him. He is being honest with you: he doesn’t have time for you right now.

    Can you live with the amount of time he can give you? If not, you may need to let him go.

  • anabel

    I and my boyfriend used to love each other years back when he has nothing,but now he’s got a job he doesn’t call,text,chat,he dosent even have time to see me,even when he comes visiting,he doesn’t stay like before,he has really changed towards me,and when I ask if he still loves me,he says yes but he needs his jib now and I have to give him time,pls what will I do

  • Sandryne

    Thank you so much, your ideas on what to do when your boyfriend has no time helped me a lot! I found the help I needed, and it does clear up questions I have about our relationship.

  • Mary

    My boyfriend has stopped spending as much time with me as he used to. When we first started dating we were together all the time, but now he doesn’t text or spend time with me. But it gets more complicated because his friend recently died. I know this is making our relationship worse.

    I have every reason to believe he is dealing with depression. Or maybe grief. For the first time three weeks ago, he said he thought he was depressed. He is a very supportive, kind and loving boyfriend, but recently that has changed and he can be rather cold and hurtful. He ignores my texts and phone calls. Sometimes he’s just mean to me. I try to understand that this is just the depression talking, because I know the person that he otherwise is. I don’t know what else I can do.

    It feels better to write about it. I don’t know what to do when my boyfriend doesn’t make time for me but I think I need to take care of myself better.

  • Rachel

    My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year. We fell in love instantly and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. We weren’t always together, we have separate friends and lives but when we were together it was magic. We were always complimenting each other and doing sweet little gestures constantly. We decided to move in together within the first 7 months and started planning a family. I have an 8 year old from a previous relationship and they hit it off right away too. She adores him. Things started going downhill a few months after the move. I have been on my own and financially responsible for a long time and he moved from his mothers. So I took care of setting up the bills and paying them just collecting his part each month. This turned into me being somehow controlling. The compliments ended on his end and so did the initiation of intimacy. I am a talker and a planner and this also drives him insane because he’s a chill and go with the flow kind of person. I can’t do that on our budget and with a child. So our family planning happened a lot sooner than we thought and I’m currently 14 weeks pregnant and about a month ago he decided that he needs a life outside of our life. This is something I agree with whole heartedly and support independence and hobbies and friends, however, he’s been out 3-5 nights a week until 2-4am and this to me unacceptable behaviour. When invoice that to him I’m controlling and he says I think I own him. I suffer from depression and anxiety and I’m having a really hard time dealing with the situation. I’ve scheduled a termination for the pregnancy and he lost it and said if I do that he’ll never talk to me again. I don’t see what would be different from now. I want this baby but I’ve done it alone before when my mental health wasn’t bad and it was hard then. I’m scared and I’m confused and I’m trying to deal. It’s hard.

  • Sarah

    I’m 32 years old and in my first relationship even together in seven weeks and when is it for the weekend as I was too busy or too tired during the week he says Hill cool but he doesn’t hide because you’re asleep or he’s doing something else he was busy doesn’t seem to initiate contact with text or phone them when we together there are times when he’s on the phone trying to talk to him he doesn’t hear what you’re saying and then with a delayed what was that baby he’s a nice guy very clever with have a better job he’s too good for the job he has we don’t go out on dates have any money even though I said we can do other thing is still early days to just wait-and-see maybe things will get better

  • Chant

    My boyfriend is addicted to his computer and most of all, playing video games. We live together bit are like roommates most days. We don’t to on dates unless you count when we go for a meal but those are quick and rushes. We don’t go to concerts or festivals, camping or trips. If I suggest doing something during the week he’s too tired from work and if I suggest something on the weekend he says it’s his time to relax. I asked if we could go to garden center after groceries and he made up excuses. Seeing couples walking hand and hand enjoying nothing but each others company makes me sad. When our cat needs him, he ignores her. I can’t imagine how he’ll be with children. He’s wonderful in other ways but I’m not happy and I dont think I’ll ever have the courage to leave. I will try to create a full filling life but dreams of doing things together are shattered. I don’t think he’ll change.

    • Cheryl

      Sounds like he’s comfortable and likes how things are. That’s where I was when I took my husband to couple counseling. He didn’t understand why we were there. I eventually went alone. I needed to learn what to do for me, that I was important and deserving of attention. I am now 6 years divorced after 10 years of marriage. My advice, drive it home to your bf how important it is to you that you spend time together. I came to be resentful of my husband and the hurt proved too difficult to overcome. Try not to let it go that far. We were each asked to make a list of 5 date ideas (money need not be part if it) and to make time for 2 dates each month. He never made a list or heeded mine. See how you might do with the suggestion. It at least gives you an idea of how he views things or understands what you’re trying to say. If he’s a reader, John Grey’s book, 7 Love Languages, is fabulous. Hopefully you won’t need the book I found most helpful, How to Know When It’s Time to Go. Good luck!

    • steph

      this sounds alot like my relationship but I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years… we moved in together after being together for just a few months… the relationship has never been perfect… we’ve always had our ups and downs and we have been through a lot together.. we live with his brother and his girlfriend.. most Saturdays when he’s off work and I’m in work, he will go downstairs and play around with pool or on a quad bike… when I’m home he’ll stay in the bedroom and say that I’ll moan if he goes downstairs which I don’t :/ I’ve even tried to get him to go downstairs with me a few times when we’ve both been home but he refuses… he has a laugh with his brother when I’m not around and is stroppy and boring when I’m home… we never go out on dates, we’re always stuck in the house yet he happily goes to the cinema with his boss every so often… lately he’s been going into work for 6am even though he’s not meant to be in until 10am.. he says it’s so he can finish early and skip all the traffic… I work set times and tend to work from when he now finishes work until he’s asleep… I’m not getting to see him anymore… he told me after an argument a few weeks ago that he’d never marry me… I don’t think I want to be in this relationship anymore as I want kids and to get married but I’m scared to leave cos I’d have to move city again and I’d have to find a new job… I’m so lost and confused right now but I’m far from happy with him

  • Natasha

    I know my boyfriend doesn’t have time for me and wants to end our relationship but I’m scared to let him go! I can’t be alone. I haven’t been without a man for almost 25 years. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 10 years. I know our relationship is struggling and I wish I could end it with him but I don’t know what to expect. I’m scared of everything. I just want him to break up with me. At least then it’ll be done and I won’t have to make the decision. Because that’s the hardest part – deciding to end it with him and then actually breaking up with him.

    • Dee

      Natasha i know how you are feeling i have been in that exact position not long ago but it is not fair for you nor him to be in a relationship cause you are scared of being alone. I promise you will be just fine without him.

  • Fae

    Hi, I am 32 years old and dating a guy of the same age right now. We are about 8 months into our relationship and everything start out lovely and well. I love him and in return he does too. In that short amount of time spent, we had already traveled to 3 different cities. It was a peak of my life after being left by my ex-husband of 8 years of marriage.

    However recently he is spending less time with me. We use to meet twice a week and now it become twice a month. I start to feel weird as it is quite sudden. He did mention of the financial issues he might face and i thought it might be a reason why due to the fact that he wants to be able to spend when he is with me. Should this be the reason, i can’t quite understand why he is spending more time with his friends lately.

    One time, He even forgets our lunch date and went out with his colleagues instead. I was upset. His reason was he has forgotten. He forgot a fixed lunch date with me which he arranged just last evening. I still don’t get it. I did try to express my concern to him and trusting that he knew what i went through before, he should know how i felt. Unfortunately he keeps saying i am the one creating the problem. He then gave me cold shoulder.

    Ok, since you know my issue right now. I would like to say for point -> “5.Create a life outside your boyfriend and your relationship”. Apparently in my last marriage i did make a life outside my relationship by concentrating on my career. However due to the time NOT spend with each other, we drifted apart and the issue was not being addressed soon enough till he found somebody else who gave him attention. He left me.

    Thus, if you know where i come from, I refused to understand why he can’t make time for me. I refuse to divert my attention away from this problem knowing that history might repeat itself. I am so devastated right now. Please give me advice.

  • Wendy

    Hello Everyone.. I am 50 years old and dating a man (54 ) who lives 3 miles from me. we have been in a committed relationship for 2 years. During the first 6 months, he would make more effort and show more interest in seeing me when he didn’t have the kids ( now 10 and 12 ).. During the past 3 to 4 months, he has become very complacent about getting together or calling at least when we don’t meet in person. He is not involved in much personally, doesn’t have or see friends but on rare occassion, so besides work and his kids, he has ample free time during the week and weekends. Unlike myself, he tires out easily and even when we do see each other on a week night, he falls asleep on the recliner about 7:30 pm when I just got to his house at 6:00pm as soon as I get off work… So he is only awake for max 2 hours during the one week night that we do see each other and I end up feeling alone and unnoticed. He eventually wakes up from his evening nap and asks me if I am coming to bed.. Recently, I have been telling myself I should just leave and go home ( 3 miles away ) if he is too tired to stay up with me and talk, watch TV, or anything…and not stay the night at his place. However, I am weak and I love him and he is a good man above all of our issues and overall he has a wonderful sense of humor, and we do have long talks when he is awake longer on week ends..I have very clearly expressed my concerns about his lack of interest, effort, and maintaining more boundaries and distance between us when we should be closer emotionally and mentally after two years. I feel more and more disconnected from him emotionally because I honestly do not know how he feels whereas in the beginning ( first 6 months ) he would tell me how he appreciates me and wants to spend his life with me. It honestly seems like he even forgot he said those things to me. I believe he talks and sees his ex wife much more than he does me during any given week because they have constant exchange of the kids ( he picks them up after school and she comes picks them up when she gets off work )… He and his ex are always planning sports activities for their kids and I am excluded from attending those as well.. He does not invite me to his kids’ volley games even though his kids like me and we get along.. I usually avoid being present when he and his ex are “exchanging” kids because I have seen the two of them be a little too friendly ( but for the kids’s sake of course )and I have had panic attacks from what I have seen and heard. His ex is remarried but sometimes she does not act like it. That’s besides the point.., sorry… I do understand that a couple needs some space and time apart from each other, but recently, he only brings up seeing each other about once , maybe twice in a week, and we live 3 miles from each other. I feel he is taking our relationship ( and Me ) for granted and he avoids the issue of talking about my concerns because he is perfectly content with the way things are.. I, however, am NOT.. I long for a man who shows and puts forth actions consistently to be with me, makes me feel special , important, and a priority in his life and not just once in a while, but consistently..He won’t end it with me because I think he has what he wants and he tells me not to worry but I don’t know what that means because.. again.. he avoids the “talk”. I can’t play the ” I won’t text him or call him for a week and see what he does ” because I would just be giving him more of what he wants. Our usual weekly routine is: he sends me a morning text very short and repeats the same thing a lot.. then maybe one more short text before noon.. and then nothing the rest of the day and night..this is in addition to seeing each other once a week… this does not feel like a committed relationship to me.. I don’t want to throw away a man I love and who I do connect with when we have an entire weekend together..but that is only about 20 to 25% of the time.. We planned a trip together in February to Los Angeles so he can meet my parents and my sister for the first time, and all he can talk about is how much the trip is costing and what a pain in the butt driving in LA is even though I told him I am doing all the driving.. basically the negative …I told him he doesn’t have to come with me ( even though everything is booked .. airfare, hotels ) but then he says he wants to go… I don’t know what I am wanting to hear.. but maybe the painful truth.. or maybe I am being too sensitive and needy or paranoid… ?? Please any words here are welcomed.. thank you!!

    • Margaret

      Hi Wendy, boy did your letter strike a lot of chords. I too am in a nearly 2 year relationship with a man who is happy to see me once a week, plus a couple of calls/texts, not always every day.
      I am 59, widowed, and I care for him very much and want more. I have seen a psychologist several times. I keep hoping he will see what could be possible with a more satisfying fuller life with me, but the truth is that the current situation suits him.
      I had a great marriage for 25 years (he divorced 12 years ago) and know what it takes for relationships to grow and thrive. They need glue. That glue is the consistent reinforcement of your bond, through humour, touch, looks and reciprocating of affection when one of you makes any approach. Once a week does not allow this pattern of connection to develop. The separation just plain hurts.
      He is unlikely to change unless he can see a reason to.
      In my situation I am hoping that when his work and family commitments reduce, that I will get more time. However this may well be false hope.
      I have decided that at the 2 year mark I am going to make a stand. “Are we doing this or what?”
      This carries the risk of ending the relationship, but I have decided that I cannot continue with half a life, when I know what can be possible.

      • Wendy

        Thank you Margaret.. I knew I was not alone out here… we are supposed to leave tomorrow for our first long ( one week ) trip together for him to meet my parents and sister for the first time and I am feeling emotional pain and anxiety.. He has not even texted me yet today and it’s noon.. not to say good morning… OR.. I can’t wait for out trip… He usually texts me early am to say good morning.. although not much after that in any given day. I cannot cancel hotels at this point since it’s too close to arrival day and I would have to pay full price anyway. I booked everything in my name.. the rental car, the hotels, etc..and even bought show tickets to surprise him…I cannot believe with everything I am able to accomplish in life that I would end up this weak and pathetic in a relationship… it really doesn’t matter where you go to meet men ( online or in person ) it seems they are all the same now….make you happy for 5 minutes and then distance themselves from you.. only approach you when they want a certain something…

        • Margaret

          It must be very hard if you have made financial commitments for him and are still left hanging wondering if it is still on. My bloke is more reliable in that way and does what he says – he just says he’s always time poor. What I want to know is, if his life changes (parents die, work decreases) will he then want more time with me? Or is it like this because that’s all he wants?

        • Christy

          Oh Boy! This sounds like my boyfriend to a T! I’m having panic attacks now, because I send him texts, and he’ll not get back to me until 4 hours later. What’s making me in a panic now, is my niece’s first birthday party is coming up this weekend. I’m so afraid I’m gonna get an, “I’m so sorry honey” text. It’s a pattern with him. He’ll pull a disappearing act for awhile, then reappear a few hours before we’re supposed to be somewhere with an “I’m so sorry sweetie” text. This man is full of excuses, it’s not even funny. You’d think that now that school’s over, he’d spend more time with me? Fat chance! I get the “I’ll be up this week sweetie” shpeel. I feel like I’m only good enough to help pay his student loans and whatever else. But I’m putting my foot down now. I told him, “If you don’t make my niece’s birthday party this Saturday, you might as well say goodbye to our relationship. I’m tired of all your excuses.”

          I never can stick to planned schedules, because either he’ll oversleep, or, be late for the trip, etc. I usually am more angry when I see him because he can’t follow schedules. We live in the same state, so their is no excuse. I work from home whenever I want, so their is no excuse why he can’t come visit me. Even my own family is taking notice. When they start saying things, then you know their’s something wrong.

      • Wendy

        Hi Margaret… First, sorry to hear about your husband but it warms my heart to hear you had a wonderful 25 years marriage. I divorced my first husband after 20 years of marriage but we are on good terms.

        You hit the nail on the head concerning the constant reinforcement ( touching, laughing, just the togetherness ) that is needed to continue building the relationship and bring two people closer . Seeing each other once a week along with a very short couple of text messages per day has the opposite affect.. I feel like I am meeting him for the first time sometimes when I finally see him..It feels awkward like he is a partial stranger that I need to get re acquainted with again.. However, when he wants sex, all of a sudden he loves me and he is all over me …

        Just a reminder, we only live 3 miles from each other… and he only expresses wanting to get together once a week… The first 6 months of our relationship, I remember he would want me over at least 2 to 3 times a week ..

        A new question I have for everyone out there: We are going on vacation Feb 3rd through 8th.. He told me a few days ago that we should just celebrate Valentines Day while we are on vacation instead of seeing each other ON VALENTINES DAY 2/14/2017…I instantly caught on to that and became upset and asked him if he has better plans than to be together with me ?? To me, it felt like since we are going to be together for several days straight, that he is going to get sick of me and not want to set aside another day to be with me so soon after our vacation since he is used to getting together once a week. That is how I took it……

        I am so disappointed in him but even more disappointed in myself for letting this go on..

        • Sophie

          Wendy when you wrote “Seeing each other once a week along with a very short couple of text messages per day has the opposite affect.. I feel like I am meeting him for the first time sometimes when I finally see him..It feels awkward like he is a partial stranger that I need to get re acquainted with again.. However, when he wants sex, all of a sudden he loves me and he is all over me …” I felt like I was reading my own story!! I am 42 years old and feel like I have the maturity of a teenager lately with how this is making me feel….anyway thank you for sharing and I hope things are going well (didn’t see another post since Feb).

      • Mel

        I thought I was alone in this type of situation. My boyfriend is a real estate developer he sells the lot, builds the house and closes the deal. With all that being said he has no time for me and it is frustrating. He says it will get better when the season slows down we FaceTime text talk on the phone . But his business is number one he tells me we have to weather it through the storm and things will not always be this way. I find myself alone and complaining it is hard.

  • Laurie Post author

    Hi Margaret,

    I wouldn’t bring up the “will you make time for me in the future?” question with your boyfriend for two reasons:
    1) It’s impossible for anyone to know what will be happening in 5 years, much less commit to spending more time together. Your boyfriend might feel pressured to make false promises or uncomfortable with the idea of commiting to something so long in advance.
    2) Your boyfriend’s demanding family and job won’t go away. I don’t know how old he is, but I suspect he likes working and isn’t thinking about retirement yet. Maybe he will retire in 5 years, sure, but can you ask him to commit to that? No. Not even if you were married. Well, you could but it isn’t always possible to keep a promise like that.

    If I were you, I wouldn’t expect him to change. He is spending as much time with you as he can (or wants to). If your boyfriend wanted to make more time for you, he would find ways to include you in his life. Ouch, I’m sorry if that stung!

    That’s just my observation – take it for what it’s worth. That’s why I don’t give advice; I usually don’t know what I’m talking about 🙂

    Here’s a question or two for you:
    If your boyfriend never changes, what will you do?
    What would happen if you let go of your wish that he would change, and instead just accept the once-a-week date?
    Would you consider proposing marriage to your boyfriend, so you two don’t have to “make time” to see each other?

    May you find peace, joy, and unity in your relationship with your boyfriend – and in your life outside of your relationship with him.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

    • Margaret

      Hi Laurie, I suspect that the best way to be happy is to be as independent and self-soothing as possible. I have found that he comes running as soon as I make plans to go away somewhere. I think if I can accept how things are now, that over time – his parents may die, daughter move out, work slow down – we may slowly gravitate to a better balance. However I have to be prepared for it staying just the same as he could find new reasons to replace the old.

  • Margaret

    I am a 60 year old widow. I have reconnected with a boyfriend from 40 years ago. He works long hours and has elderly frail parents and a demanding family. We see each other once a week (for a year now) which is fine for now but I would be sad if that was still the situation in 5 years. I could be happy long term with a half-time arrangement that still gave us both some alone time. He hates discussing relationship/emotional issues but I need to know if he wants things to be different down the track. Any tips?

  • Laurie Post author

    Hi Leticia,

    It sounds like your boyfriend cares about you, but he’s prioritizing his work over your relationship. And you love him and want the best for him, but you’re struggling because of course you want to spend time with him. You want him to be alert and engaged when you’re together — and this is a normal and healthy expectation!

    If your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you, then you need to decide if you can live with your relationship this way. You can’t change him. He is allowing his job to crowd into his personal life, and as you and he have both learned that his job requirements are more powerful than his desire to spend time with you. Ouch, I know that’s harsh! But your boyfriend is prioritizing his job over his relationship with you.

    I think the best way to be supportive and still let him know that you’re not happy is to say that exact thing to him. “You’re my boyfriend and yet you don’t have time for me. I care for you and I want us to build a healthy relationship together, but I’m not happy with the way things are. I support your need to do a good job at work, but I can’t continue this way.”

    And then you need to decide what will happen if/when things don’t change. Can you live with your boyfriend the way he is right now – without changing? If you decide to continue with him, then you can’t complain to him or others that he doesn’t have time for you.

    The other option is to set “natural consequences.” This is painful, but could save your relationship. It’s about setting boundaries in your relationship with your boyfriend – and I wrote a whole article for you about it….

    How to Be Honest With Your Boyfriend
    https://howloveblossoms.com/how-to-be-honest-with-your-boyfriend-setting-boundaries/

    I hope this helps. I know it’s difficult, but it is possible that you and your boyfriend will save your relationship! Ultimately, he has to decide he wants to change. He has to decide to put your relationship ahead of work – and he has to set healthy boundaries at work!

    Wishing you all the best,
    Laurie

  • Leticia

    I’m trying to be supportive of my boyfriend. He is really busy at work and feels overwhelmed. When we do see each other he is exhausted. Sometimes, like this weekend, he has to work from home so we won’t be seeing each other. We have talked about my disappointment in the past and he knows I want to be a priority in his life. He said he would make more time for me, but after a few months we are at the same place again. How do I be supportive and still let him know I’m not happy?

  • Ceana

    We are in the same situation. I have a boyfriend for 11 years. The first 7 years of our relationship had less fighting and misunderstanding. That was because he was still an employee. He is such a workaholic and he calls and message me once in a while whenever he is free. But the last 4 years have been terrible. He started his own business and like any other businessmen, the pressure is too much. So obviously his priorities this time changed. We argue, we fight almost every other week. I feel so alone and frustrated. I do many unpleasant things to get his attention. To the point that we almost ended up our relationship. I felt he does not love me anymore because he hardly spend time with me. He explains to me that the lack of time in our relationship does not mean lack of love. As a matter of fact he misses me so much if he cant see me in 2 straight days. The only thing is his business. He is too busy and single-handedly runs it. He said that his priorities now are different than he was an employee. He asked my support and trust. To believe him that when everything goes smooth, he will always find a way to make up everything to me. Until now, we are still in the same situation. He comes and see me once in awhile when he is free. I just dont need to complain. I just have to appreciate his effort when he tries to squeeze me in in his schedule just to be with me. I know I cannot change him. But I believe he needs someone like me to support him, morally.

  • Laurie

    If your boyfriend doesn’t make time for you – or if you find yourself “killing time” until you can be with him again – then you need to start creating a life for yourself! Don’t let your boyfriend become the center of your life. Don’t prioritize him above everything else.

    Your boyfriend isn’t making you the Number One thing in his life because he has lots of other interesting things going on. He’s into his job, his friends, his hobbies, his video games — whatever.

    What are YOU into? What do you love, what makes you come alive? Don’t say your boyfriend! Find sources of joy, peace, life, and light that fill you with energy and goodness!! Learn how to love your life so fully and completely, you barely have time to wonder what your boyfriend is doing with his time.

    The worst thing you can do for your relationship – and your life – is to sit around being sad that your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you. This makes you desperate and foolish, and your boyfriend can sense it.

    My advice? Get emotionally and spiritually healthy. Grow into a strong, creative, smart, adventurous, interesting woman who doesn’t need a man to say “you complete me.” Find the ultimate source of wisdom, joy, freedom, and peace — which is God, of course. Learn how to be a whole woman, spiritually and emotionally complete.

    That is not only the best way to spend your life (the most fulfilling, the most exciting) — but it’s also the best cosmetic you could ever put on. Your own happiness and fulfillment will make you a beautiful woman, and this will make you attractive to your boyfriend.

    And maybe you’ll even find that your boyfriend isn’t the one for you. Maybe you’ll find that his priorities are messed up, and you will be able to free yourself and find a guy who has more time for you than you have for him!

    • Lori

      Thank you so much for this response. I stumbled across this site while trying to understand the way or why men do some of the things that they do. I SERIOUSLY needed to hear this today!!! This is very hard to do for me, but I have reached a point in my life where it is a MUST.

      Thank you

  • thind

    hi I have been dating my boyfriend for 7years n we have daughter, his doesnt want to spend the weekend wth me n I dnt knw why coz he does everything I need n yet wd nt spending time together or even have sex please help me what can I do..

  • Kaitlyn

    I stumbled on your blog in a full meltdown over my relationship. And your words have been a lifesaver. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year. We both overcame a lot of personal emotional trauma to even be in a relationship with one another.We both flat out refused intimacy for decades… until we met each other. I still go to therapy here and there but he stopped going to therapy several months ago. However, I feel like we’ve hit a plateau. I know my bf has commitment issues. The more time I want to spend with him, the more he pulls away. We spend about 3 nights a week together. Its very scheduled. Any more time spent together and its almost like he needs a 5 day breather from me. I casually brought up the subject of living together. I didn’t say I wanted to live together (even tho i do, i think) and instead I said, “what are your thoughts on living together.” He said he thought if we had been together for 2 years we could talk about it. To me, this response felt like he was “buying time” or he just threw out the two-year rule to shut me up. I put this conversation to rest but then today I was struck by how little time we spend together. Every sat and sunday he goes to work smack dab in the middle of the day. We have to go our separate ways every afternoon. We’ve spent like, 5 entire days together in the entire year. Every sat at 2pm I have to find ways to kill time until we can see each other again at 7pm. However, he’ll skip work to do things he deems are fun. Seeing his friends, sports, etc, but I fear that if I asked him to play hooky from work for one day to just spend aimless time with me, he wouldn’t do it. I know he likes activities but I just one day together where I don’t have to “go away” from him for 5 hours in the afternoon. I don’t even care what we do, I just want to sleep in, go for a walk, read books on the couch, but If I told him to ditch work for ONE day to do any of these things he’d think I was crazy to suggest skipping work to “walk around.” But it hurts my feelings that he’ll leave work easily if the option to do something fun with the boys comes up. I’m afraid of his commitment issues and his inability to prioritize me. However, when we are together, our connection is incredible and fulfilling, but I just don’t know if I want a fulfilling relationship that only lasts for a few hours in the morning and at night. How do I get him on my level? It seems crazy to walk away from a man I adore but I don’t know how he’ll overcome his commitment issues AND want to spend more time with me. I understand the two are linked, the more time spent with me, he interprets as loss of his independence which is also tied up in love/committment/marriage etc. I’m so confused.

  • Bree

    I have been engaged for a year to a guy I’ve been with since I was 14 (we are now both 20). We used to spend tons of time together, hanging out and listening to music and talking. Here lately we have been pretty busy with our jobs and I also go to school. Any free time we get all I want to do is spend it with him, but he always wants to play video games. I understand that he wants to spend his free time doing what he likes to do, I get that, but I can’t help but question why is spending time with me not something that he seems like he wants to do? Its really effecting how I feel about myself and it makes me feel lonely and frustrated. Any time I bring it up he gets mad at me and tells me that he doesn’t have to “be up my ass” all the time. All I’m asking for is some time together like we used to have. I really love him, and I don’t know what I should do.

  • Laurie

    If my boyfriend didn’t make time for me, I would plan interesting things to do and invite him along. I wouldn’t sit down and ask him to talk about spending more time together – although this would depend on the boyfriend and the relationship! Some guys will bend over backwards for their girlfriends, and others are a bit more casual about relationships.

    The happier, more fulfilled, and more confident you are in your life, the more time your boyfriend will want to spend with you. Of course, if he’s going through a super busy stage at work or school, he may simply have no choice right now.

    I think the best thing is to focus on yourself. Create an interesting life that you’re passionate about, outside your relationship. Get involved with life, do things that bring you alive. Blossom!

    And listen to that still small voice. Are you truly happy with your relationship the way it is? What do you have the power to change? Will your boyfriend change – is he going through a busy season, or is he just a less involved boyfriend?

  • Serena

    Hey all. Ive been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years now and my boyfriend is extremely busy with work (were both 18+ years old). I totally understand that he has a job and he needs to put time and effort into it but its kinda getting annoying. Every morning, we say our good mornings to each other, through text, and literally have a 5 minute conversation and hes off to work and doesnt talk to me for the rest of the day. I sen him funny texts and sometimes I just belatedly ask are you done with work. I do try to voice my opinion, but it feels like im talking to a wall: he either says ok or doesnt text me back or he sees the text and says nothing. I dont know if im being too pushy, I definitely dont want to break up and having a break a break would be redundant because we havent seen each other for months, or something else or should I just let this storm out. Any constructive advice would be helpful.

  • Kel

    Hi. I have been in a relationship for two years now, we are both 18. Until this summer we prioritized our work, and said when the summer came we would indulge in each other until we had to go to university. However his parents seem to be keeping a firm hold and restricting him, yet he doesn’t seem to want to fight back. We spend a few hours together every few days, even though we live a five minute walk away. He’s not particularly busy. I’m not sure if it’s better that I offer for us to be friends… I feel like that’s all that we are. Any advice about what to do when your boyfriend doesn’t make time for you?

  • Laurie

    There may be several reasons your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you, but it always boils down to one thing: he isn’t prioritizing you in his life. Can you live happily in this relationship?

    If you think he’s scared of commitment, here are two articles that may help:

    When Your Boyfriend Keeps Pushing You Away
    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/my-boyfriend-keeps-pushing-me-away-how-do-i-show-him-i-care/

    When You’re in Love With Someone Scared of Love
    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/when-youre-in-love-with-someone-who-is-scared-to-love-you-back/

    But remember that you can’t change who he is or how he’s decided to have a relationship. All you can do is change how you think about and respond to him.

  • Ashley

    I live with my boyfriend and his son. We have been seeing/dating for a year. I take his son to school, feed him, help him with reading, I try to do the “women” thing as much as I can. I’m an athletic trainer I work weird hours. My boyfriend seems like he’s always on his phone goes out with his friends once a week and doesn’t come home until 5am. He hasn’t said I love you or will take me out to the bars together. I’m concerned that he’s not committed or scared. I’m confused bc when I seem like I’m getting close to him he takes 10 steps back. I’m lost on what I should do. I’ve expressed how much it hurts me yet he still does it. I’ve told him what I wanted out of the relationship but hrs not on the same page.

    • Sara

      He has a live in babysitter, why does he need to spend time with the babysitter? Think bout it. You’re doing all the wife/babysitter things with out him truly making an effort. Why be this kids mother, when you’re only this man’s girlfriend?

  • Jessica

    I’m in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend. We started the relationship at a distance and didn’t really know what we were getting ourselves in to. I live in Italy and he lives in London. At this point we have phone calls and I get daily texts which is more than enough, but I need to see him. He is unable to travel during the summer because he job is very demanding and works at the airport with an airline and sometimes has some seriously long shifts where he doesnt get home till 3 in the morning. I want to go see him but im wondering to myself whether this whole thing is worth it if he doesnt have any time for me, just his demanding job.

  • Sally Fittser

    My boyfriend is a workaholic and only sees me once every 2 weeks. It’s not enough time for me. My last boyfriend was the same way but he had a different job. I miss my boyfriend but I think the universe is trying to tell me that I have to stop waiting for guys and start living my life. If your boyfriend does’t have time for you then you need to let him go. Stop thinking how much you miss him and get a life!!!

    • Gigi

      I was seeing a similar man. He had never taken off work to do things with me, yet he will travel to see a Nascar race and not even invite me! Yet if I suggested a cruise or trip, he says he can’t waste vacation days. As a result, I decided that I won’t settle for crumbs. If he can go a month without me, he can go forever! Good riddance. These types are a huge waste of time. They keep you off the dating market, yet will never be what you really deserve!

  • bushra

    my boyfriend doesn’t have time for me..we r in a relationship ship from past 3 years..we have 10 years age difference between us..I loved him bcoz I always heard that if your bf is very much older then u than your relation will work out well..he was very loving very caring in the first 1 year then all of a sudden he changed…he still is not the same person I loved..I really love him..I jst want him time and love..which he is not giving me..he is too much focused in his work…I crave to talk with him but i dnt think he cares…I jst dnt knw wat to do…now he shout at me like animals…I can never stay without him..i dnt know wat to do plz help me out guys..

  • sarah

    Me and my boyfriend live together but he spends all his time out side with the laptop. The only time we spend time together is at his mates house. Where he play guitar or smoke weed or play bbs. His always asking for money and we only comucate by facebook from the same house. When I go and speak to him its like ive intrupted his game to talk to him. Now he wants to do a ativity without me but thats the only time we spend to gether when were at his mates. I feel so alone. I have some stuff going on and feels like im on my own. What can I do?

  • Tammie

    So me and my boyfriend have been together just over 16 months we moved in together 3 months after being together we spent most of our time together, he moved out in July and he went back to his mums until a week ago when she kicked him out, he’s now living with his mates and he doesn’t make any effort to see me, he says he’ll come and see me but then he either doesn’t turn up or he’ll ring me hours later and say his not coming. What can I do I miss him terribly and want to see him but he doesn’t understand that because he sees it as being clingy?

  • Ipara

    We just got back together we loved each other in high school, but after high school we lost contact and now I am a university graduate and he is still in school at a community college and he is my age 24 years, he goes back to school to go to a university. The problem is that he is a workaholic and he always has time for work and friends, but when it comes to me he rarely calls me. I left three weeks ago to visit my grandma with my mom in Chicago from Berkley California. This whole time we have talked on the phone but its only for a brief time not even 10 minutes into the conversation he says he has to go to work on a project with his classmate and will talk to me tomorrow. He is not good at texting at all and his communication skills are weak. Just tonight we talked and I asked him where he is going it took him a second time to reply to me and he said he has to go somewhere, and when he was not descriptive about where he was going he got upset and his tone of voice was aggravated with my question. I am only asking where he is going do I not have that right? just to ask? he gets very upset when I ask questions. I believe it is his patriarchal thinking that the women should not ask too many questions about what he is up to because many times I feel men want to be alone and not have to feel tied down. Even though I am his first relationship and he has no experience in these things its just common sense to be able to balance both work and social life. Both him and I have grown up here, but our Pakistani culture though he is not religious or practicing, the system and his family environment contribute to his thinking. Even if he does not follow it, and he is more of a modern person that mentality I think is still present. I just feel that the relationship is somehow not how I pictured it to be. Maybe I am over thinking this? He never forgot about me these years when we first got back together and it seems that he really loves me, but now I am unsure I feel we come from different economic backgrounds and that our upbringings are different though we come from the same culture his priorities are different than mine and I am not sure if I should continue with this relationship.

  • Kimberly

    I dont want to deal With the hurt with this he dont want me leave and let me deal With the hurt i ask him to go he say he love me t why stay he. Not sleep together nothing

  • sharan

    So I posted 2 months ago. I just talking about what is going on in my relationship makes me feel better with the letting go process. My friend and I are in our 8th month together. I told him last week I couldn’t do this anymore and I have to step out of the relationship. I told him in a very kind way that I understood him spending time with his adult daughters I get it and that his other responsibilities he has, there’s no time for me and that it’s all about him. He didn’t agree with that and was quiet for the rest of my spill. The issue for me is that he doesn’t have time or include me in his life with his family. When his daughter or stepdaughter are in town he doesn’t include me in any activities. I feel like it’s an unspoken rule that I stay away. I really like this guy too…. After I told him what I felt something inside me broke… It was a freedom that came over. It was like I was in emotional bondage because I wasn’t being my authentic self. It’s been 5 days since I broke it off. He texted on Friday and said that he had been thinking about me and was trying not to text and if he didn’t care this would be easy but he cares and love me. He said he didn’t want me to think that he never really thought much of our relationship. Then he said he had a clear dream from God that He was going to do something with him. He said he wanted to keep the details to himself and see what God does. He just wanted me to know that I am not an afterthought and that he missed me and that he’ll have to work this one out with lots of prayer. I was glad he sent the text but I can’t go back to the way things were. Loving someone is a funny not so funny thing because when you’re upset or angry with the person you can walk away easy but when those feeling wear off, the love resurfaces and you want to be with that person. Like I said in an earlier post.

    “I’m done and getting to me and the things that make me happy. I really like this guy. I decided to step back and get back to ME!!

    On a journey and loving life!!!

  • A

    Sometimes i feel like he isnt trying to spend time with me and that I always have to try and figure out plans, mostly ones that go with his time and where he has to be. We have been dating for a bit more then a month now and I have not seen him in over two weeks because everytime I ask him to meet up he’s doing something but when ever i ask him what he’s doing at a random time he says nothing. For example last week was our one month and he did not see me the whole week even when I asked if he could hang out.
    But my sister and my friends are telling me that I should end things with him because “He does not deserve me” but I still really like him
    HELP

  • Lone

    Hello!
    I don’t know what to think of my relationship. We’ve been together about 6 months now but lately we both have seemed to get so busy all the time. He’s working as nurse and he is basically at work 24/7. I understand that he is tired after work and wants to rest but then, when there happens to be days off and he know I also don’t have anything, he still does not make effort to see me. When we started dating this summer, we saw each other almost 3 to 4 times a week. Now we barely see each other once a week and that is bothering me a lot. Especially because I am leaving to student exchange to another country after Christmas. I am irritated that why he doesn’t want to spend time with me why I am still here? I know he loves me but does he take me for granted? I’ve talked a bit about this to him but he replied that it is just because of work. But Is it just because of work or am I just being too insecure? I also happen to have more free time because university is a quite flexible due to academic freedom.
    I doubt situations all the time because couple weeks ago, we both had a weekend off, I was asking that would he like to do something with me but he answered that he was too tired and wanted to just play playstation all day long. I understood that own time is also needed because he works so much so I didn’t make any fuss about it. But then, suddenly on the same night, I get a snapchat that he is in a bar with his friends. I got pissed off, suddenly not so tired anymore? I understand that seeing friends is also important and he still manages to see his friends almost every weekend. Am I being paranoid or is there really something to be worried? Is he losing interest in me but more often, I am starting to feel lonely in this relationship. I want that exciting life back where I felt being more included in his life. We text everyday but still, face-to-face conversations are much more important to me. I hate to get disappointed over and over again by text message saying sorry, can’t see you today. What should I do? Just understand everything and stop nagging?

    • Nina Mayberry

      Lone,

      I can definitely understand how you feel. I’m going through something similar with a recently retired military man under in is mid 30’s. I’ve definitely been vocal about what I want and he has continued to pull back. I love him and he loves me, but sometimes love is just not enough. Thinking about life with him a year and then years from now jolted me back into reality because he is not going to change.

      My man doesn’t know it, but I have given him 30 days to make a change. The 30 days ends December 31st and I will decide if I will begin 2016 with or without him. Sadly, as of lately, things have not changed. He’s more plugged into his phone, going out with his friends, and our time has dwindled. I can’t exist like this and I, too, want things back to the way they used to be. I’m not happy and neither are you. It’s time for a change.

      I dated a nurse once and I get the hectic schedule. The old adage that “people make time for what they deem important” holds true. The fact that your man was at a bar with friends after telling you he was tired was him not being honest and generous with his time. You are about to go abroad and I bet that he is thinking that you two will be over. I would have a conversation with him and see where things really stand because it will only get worse if you are across the sea from him.

      I wish you the best and know that you deserve the best. Good luck!

      • A

        Lone,
        We understand what you are going through right now but you need to think out of the present time and think into the future. Do you think in a couple of years or in a few months things will change and if they don’t will you keep up with it?
        IN my personal opinion take Nina’s advice and see where your relationship stands, Safe zone or borderline?

      • Lone

        Thank you for your reply! I really appreciated your advise and actually, we had the conversation about the matter. Things really turned out differently because I was ready to give our relationship a time-out.

        Almost right after the conversation we had, he seemed to understand the situation and suddenly he wanted to see me more and I was invited to his house and meet his parents. Some of my friends doubted that he finally realized that I am actually moving to another country. (We live in Europe and we’re both in our early twenties)

        But I totally agree with you. I was not feeling happy but suddenly I’ve started to get my hopes up. And I hope I am not getting all excited for nothing. We’re going to spend the new year together and also he asked to move to my flat for time I am going to be abroad. (He has been looking a flat for a while) I agreed because financially it helps me so much. I am actually getting feelings that he is serious about our relationship and does not want to let it go.

        He says stuff about next summer when I will be back at our home country and for me that sounds really promising. Somehow I feel more happy about the situation but there is always a problem that is this promise going to last for the time I am away? There is always doubts because I think that’s just who I am, always doubting every single thing in my life.

        I decided to try out to make this really work because I truly love him.

        I hope you’re making a good decision for the year 2016. You still have 7 days time to consider but if anything’s still not changed, do what is best for you.

        Good Luck and Merry Christmas!

      • Chiena

        Hi Nina,

        I was just reading about your relationship. Could you tell he what you did? How is it going now? I’m through something similar and I would really like to know which way you went.

  • Sarah Lund

    I think if HE’s going to leave ME alone, then I’LL leave HIM alone. He gets what he dishes out. Make no mistake about that. As hurtful as this probably sounds, if they never had time for us, maybe we never really were in a true relationship. Maybe it was something that seemed like one. Something must have happened between the two lovers in the first place, to cause doubt to one of them or both of them. And something must have happened to make one or both, doubt the other person involved. Yet, they can’t know how you feel, if you don’t tell the person you have the problem with. I’d rather try to tell them, before ending the relationship. If you’re with a narcissist, it’s probably going through one ear and out of the other, unfortunately. We can only do so much. It’s up to the other one to make it up to us. Also, don’t let pride get in the way, because as long as you put on a brave face, when you’re crumbling inside, then they’ll think nothing is wrong Be true to yourself AND your lover.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thank you all for sharing! Your experiences are very helpful to other readers who don’t know what to do when their boyfriends don’t have time for them. It takes courage to share about your relationship, and I’m honored you chose to be here.

    Cathy – I don’t know if your boyfriend has commitment issues, but I did share a few thoughts on your relationship here: http://whenlovebugsyou.com/how-to-tell-if-your-boyfriend-has-commitment-issues/

    It doesn’t seem like he’s treating you with love, affection, or respect. He isn’t prioritizing you or your relationship with him, and he hasn’t committed to anyone in the past.

    I think you already have your answer….it’s just difficult to accept it.

    Read the article, let me know what you think.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Ashley C

    I was dating a man for a couple of months now. He swears he is single and just a workaholic. But, we only saw each other 2 weeks at a time and he texted me more than he called me. So he would say we should hang out on the weekend but the weekend would come and he’s caught up paying bills and doing laundry or some excuse. It does NOT take all day to do this. I’ve been to his place and it is super clean like he doesn’t live there. Chances are he probably is with someone else, or he doesn’t care to prioritize his time. He says I’m so important to him and he cares about me, but I don’t feel that way. I’m 30 and he is 45. I have no kids but his are grown. I realized today that I’m not a priority no matter what he says, because his actions don’t show it and never will. I’m a good woman with a loving heart and a kind spirit, but I won’t allow myself to be stuck in a situation that makes me unhappy. I believe that God has something wonderful coming my way, but I can’t hold onto this. I had to text him today to let him know that this is it and we need to go our separate ways. I didn’t want to text that but that’s the only way I can reach him. He sent me an angry text back saying that I wasted his time. Lol what time? All 2 hours we spent together. This goes to show me that he didn’t care about me like he said. Selfish, because he only states that I wasted his time. Anyway, my point is ladies, move on…life is too precious and short to be an afterthought. He is done and over. It made me sad but then I think of the promise of me spending my life with a man who treasures me. I won’t have to spend time questioning what did I do to deserve this. Just like a flower can’t grow without dirt, water, sun, air, and time, neither can a relationship.

  • cathy

    I relate to you guys so much, do you think this is a one sided relationship
    Hi my name is Cathy I am a female (37 years old).i am currently in a relationship with a 37 male who works m-f lives with his parents .we live 10 minutes away from each  (no obligations other than himself) The longest relationship he has been in has only been 6 months.   He never calls but he suggests we have a night were we talk on the phone and I always call cause if it was our night to call and he did not hear from me he still would not call and it is late at night and he is always sleepy because he suggests it be at 9pm,  I always ask if it can be early but always says he has something to do, I do all the texting if I did not text we would not talk to each other until we see each other the next scheduled night.  He has our nights scheduled Thursday night, Saturday night and all day Sunday, as time has gone by I have wanted to see him more but he gets mad when I want to see him more,  he claims that he feels like I don’t think he does enough for me, and I never say anything like that because he gets defensive.  But he does get upset if you ask him to stay over on a night that we normally don’t see each other.  One incident I was going away for the weekend with my mom and sister and I asked my him if I could see him on when I got back, I wanted to see him on Tuesday night and he wanted to wait until the following Thursday night and he finally agreed to seeing me on Wednesday night but it was like pulling teeth to get him to agree to it.  I just thought he would have missed me but he definitely did not mind waiting until our scheduled night.  He did finally say he would try to stay an extra night once a month but it’s is when he can do it,  it’s all when it’s good for him,  on his terms.   When it comes to affection he lacks it big time!  I love to be affectionate, but he does not hold my hand if I want to hold his hand I have to grab it and one time we were out walking I held his arm and he said that I was wrinkling his shirt.   And in private I have iniate cuddles,  he will only on his terms but basically it is me who always wants to cuddle he is very very closed off emotionally. I ask all the questions about feelings and if we go to the movies we don’t hold hand or even watching TV, I get sometimes you don’t have to cuddle buy I love to cuddle or hold hands or have some kind of contact, it’s a must! I will admit I am not perfect at all I give him his space but I mean I thought a boyfriend would want to see there girlfriend a little more than he does, he has never said “I miss you or I love you”.  I think he has commitment issues, I have asked him twice if he would like to move in with me he always says relax,  breathe we are young but we are young but not like we are 30yrs old.   All these issues have been brought up in conversation more than once in the time we have been together currently we are together. If you could give me insight on him and I know you can’t anylaze him.   Thank you for your help.

    • jenna

      this is my relationship totally…………i am still waiting out my 3rd week no response….. i had a hard time with this in the end WHAT AM I WORTH TO THIS PERSON AS HE CLEARLY DOESNT PUT IN ANY EFFORT its breaking my heart its playing with my emotions so in the meantime i decided to wait it out and as soon as HE wants to see me, i will not say a word see him take rest my stuff out of his house and just leave…….imagine a future with someone like this………

    • Haley Sigl

      I’m sorry for the late reply but… You may be right about his commitment issues, although it sounds a lot like he has OCD. In between the tight, precisely-sceduled date nights and calls to the comments about wrinkling his shirt, he could be suffering from this, and a moderate amount of the disorder, too. People with OCD cannot change it easily, although it may be repressed through therapy- if he really wants to. I’ve heard that therapy for various types of anxiety can be traumatizing, so very few people finish it. OCD causes anxiety any time something isn’t performed in an exact, planned, ritualistic way most of the time; although it changes in different cases. If you’re still with this man, and still having problems, maybe you should do a little bit of research and lightly ask him about the disorder. Just remember- do not expect him to magically change, and don’t take it for a gives that he’ll change at all. The best thing that you could do is to understand him at this point, and understand his emotions.

  • sharan

    I am in a relationship of 6 months with a gentleman that is 61 and I am 55. I feels 45 and full of life. After date two I noticed he wasn’t a talker. I am a communicator and very inquisitive. During the first month and a half we talked on the phone everyday, went out on many dates and enjoyed each others company. As time went on He let me know he didn’t like talking on the phone and that stopped me in my tracks as I couldn’t tell he didn’t like talking on the phone since we talked all the time. I accepted that and we tappered off on talking on the phone, however he likes sending a good morning text, maybe a conversatin at 5pm and always always calls around 10pm everyday. To make a long story short, we are in our 6th month and lately we see each other aobut 1 day a week and even longer sometimes. He is a retiree, divorced 3 years, has adult children that live in other cities and participates in church activities . He has time for all the things i just stated, but I don’t feel like a priority in his life. I’ve had this conversation with him 3 times. I understand he is set in his ways and that him and his ex lived seperate lives for a long time and he is use to doing his own thing. I do take that into consideration, however should I get knots in my stomach when we make plans and he just blows them off or donot make an effort to pursue me. In the begining he told me he and his ex didn’t put God first in their lives and we want to make sure God is in our relationship. I was in my kitchen a month ago and something within said “don’t pursue him STOP” so I have, however I had my last conversation about me being a priority in his life last night. I”m done and going to get to me and the things that make me happy. I really like this guy. I decided to step back and get back to ME!!

    On a journey and lovin life!!!

  • yellowxy

    Hi Laurie,

    My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 1 and half years. its been 5months since he started teaching and adjusting to his work. he wants me to understand what he is doing and just not demand time for him. I’m actually sad that I’m revolving my life to him and so focus about spending enough time with him. I always feel disappointed when He can’t give me his time willingly. i felt that i always force him. I feel that he don’t know my worth and he can just walk away from this relationship at anytime. Sometimes i nag him coz he don’t understands me, my feelings and my needs. if i’m telling him that i need time he just say that he is doing this for our future but how about us now? how can we work things out if he is not open to change and realize that we need time together.

  • zubair zuliehat

    am passing thru a lot in my relationship, we have been dating for d past 6mnths now suddenly he changed he don’t call m he chooses his female friends over me he don’t pick my calls but yet he said am perfect whenever I complain.what shld I do? I love my boyfriend but he doesn’t have time for me. I need advice

  • Stefani duty

    My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half and we have lived together for a little over a year now.. I’m pregnant with his baby and I’m so concerned because I feel like he’s making no effort at all in this relationship. I have told him several times how I feel neglected, stressed, and just down right depressed because not only does he ever spend time with me… He doesn’t commit to his promises either. Every time he says he will spare the day for me, something always comes up in preventing him from doing so. I feel like he doesn’t even notice how it effects me. If he does notice, then maybe hE just doesn’t care as much as he says he does. I love him so much and I want this to work, but my friends and family all have noticed how miserable I am lately. I basically have no one but him, since I’ve moved so far from my family. It’s so hard to make the right decision, especially since there’s a baby along the way. I feel awful for thinking about leaving him, but sometimes I feel that there’s no better choice. Talking to him seems to be making no difference…

    • Brianna

      Oh my goodness. Reading your comment made me feel like i wrote this myself! My boyfriend and i got together 12/8/13 and i moved in with him 12/28/13, an hour away from all of my friends and family. We had our baby girl 5/7/15. And i feel the way you do constantly! I’ve told him so many times how i feel, but nothing has really changed. He is getting better, spending more time with me, talking to me more, but I feel like he doesn’t feel attracted to me or care about me as much as he used to.. I’m going to start taking my 2nd walk of the day everyday again. Since having my baby girl it’s been hard fitting both of my walks into my day, but I’m definitely going to! Im going to start scrapbooking again. Im going to start training my dog new and fun tricks again. Im going to get back into my drawing and painting. I’m going to do me and also take care of our home and cook and all that. But I’m not going to wait around for my boyfriend’s time and attention anymore!

  • Zusiphe

    Hello! I’m in dis relationship for eight months the first time we met he was giving me more attention to have him all the time, we used to be together every weekend but lately he changed I don’t know why he can’t even call o text me I’m de one who start conversation when I asked him why he can’t spend time with me he says” he’s busy” I mean everyday ubusy why??? but I don’t get full xplanation… I need advice please or maybe he’s tired of being in love with me I don’t know really

  • mudra

    We were in a good relation for one year and half ..but lately wen we have gone to different states for the last 2 months.. My boyfriend is behaving too weird..for some days he turned abusive and after too many fights he tried understanding but that changed to him making fun or laughing at any important thing i spoke on our relationship.. He hardly calls me unless i do ..he s too busy with friends..I feel like a despo calling him all the Time..i want attention .love. Importance but nothing is working, he says he vl try but in vain.. I dont see any change.. I hv tried tellin him all my problems but nothing has actually worked..now i seriously duno what to do..he says he loves me but i truly feel they are mere words..please help

    • Melissa

      Shalom Mundra,

      It seems to me you may be caught up in an abusive relationship and having been in one the most important thing to know is that you can’t fix or change him. That is always going to be way beyond you. I tried for seven years. In abusive relationships the abuser always has a very twisted idea of love. When I left mine I had many things to work on and I made sure I had support through a local organization and friends. I hope the best for you and that you put yourself before him.

  • Samantha

    Hello
    I started dating this guy for 6 months and in the beginning it was really good but because he’s working so much I really lost interest but still like him a lot I understand we all have our lives but lately he doesn’t even have time to text or call or even see me . I feel like I need something more I just don’t know what to do I’ve discussed him about this more than I can count but it’s still the same and he replies back with im so busy with work but I try. I mean he always does start the conversation and sometimes I even tried ignoring him because I thought maybe that would be easier but it makes me more sad and he ends up calling me and asking why I’m ignoring him I know he likes me but i dont know if he likes me as much as I do sometimes I feel like I should just end it but than I think okay I know he’s working a lot and I have to understand that about him but it’s like he can’t even see me I don’t know if I get more sad that he doesn’t have time for me or I get more sad if we end it I NEED HELP! Should I end it and find some one that does have time for me or keep going and see if things would change ? He is a good guy doesn’t party is loyal but I just don’t know anymore like I should discuss again how I feel or just let it be ? I would love to have a reply back and get suggestions I just get more drained inside knowing that we don’t communicate that often anymore but than I also get drained if we ended it

    • Meghan

      Hi Samantha, I am in the same exact situation. I talked to my best friend about it and she says that my bf definitely cares for me and wants to have a great future with me with a good job so he may be busy for now, but later he might not. But then my selfish side kicks in and I imagine how I’m supposed to deal with days, months, or maybe even years of no attention from him…It’s not so selfish actually, just very human of me and I have no idea what to do about it. Right now, we are on break, but he texts me everyday asking what I’m doing several times a day. I just wish I could see him more and have more from him. Please let me know how your situation is going because reading your story made me feel a little better and that I’m not being selfish by asking for too much. It’s what we do:)

      • Samantha

        Hi Meghan,
        Omg reading your response is making me feel better knowing too I’m not the only one we are on a break but he has been trying to contact me but it’s like I don’t know what to do because i haven’t replied because I’m so confused you know? All of my friends are telling me don’t talk to him because it’s just gonna be the same thing but it’s like I know I need to make my own decisions! But it’s hard ! Cause I wana reply back so bad but I don’t wana her hurt and keep waiting on him again and Because he told me he doesn’t have time and stuff but yet he tries to contact me and he actually sended me a long text to talk about us and I haven’t responded and actually right after that text he posted something on IG that I know it’s about us and he wrote “I guess that’s how it’s suppose to be “with a girl and boy separating as the post but how can he tell me he doesn’t have time when I know he doesn’t and told me he wants to work on it and he’s trieing but it’s not enough for me cause we don’t see each other for weeks I just don’t understand and before when we started going on a break we were on the phone and I told him I don’t wana keep waiting on us and he said well I don’t wana keep you waiting and hung up on me and I haven’t been calling or texting him back so now he’s trying to contact me but it’s like I’m hurt and confused and I told him I’m not gonna keep going with us if it’s not gonna lead to anything more I can’t just do the simple text thing and only text each other sometimes that’s not enough for me we’re girls we know what we want and if it’s not what we want we try to move forward of course I still like him sometime I wonder if I should talk to him and talk about us and I have more than. I can count and it’s the same thing idk what to do anymore I need advice if I should just move on with some one who has time for me or work it out but I have been trying to and nothing working just heartbreaking but good luck on your relationship!

    • Heidi

      Your post sounds very very familiar.He is just not into you,he wants you to be available for him without commitment from his side,you will be the only one to be blamed for the way he would treat you: things will get worse,either his way or hell will break loose! He will tell you he did not make any promises,he is not going to change.
      Please,move on,and you will meet someone else who will value you.
      If your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you now, you will be trapped. Nobody loves somebody without spending time with them. If you stay with this guy,you will loose a lot of yourself identity,your confidence will be wrecked and you will end up being insecure and having a sense if worthlessness.
      My advice to you,run for the hills,don’t look back,don’t have a baby with him,and the right guy will come your way.
      Think whether this is how you want to spend your life and your time?please move on..someone will appreciate you before you get depressed.

      • Julia

        Hi girls! I just came across this page and reading your stories almost made me cry. I have the same problem. Would be nice if I could tell you about it. Also, I was wondering what Heidi’s suggestions were on this situation:
        First you have to know that I live in Germany and that my boyfriend is from Peru, which means that it has been quite hard for him to find a proper job here although his German is excellent and he is a really hard working guy. We have been together for about two years now and during this time my love for him has grown so much. I would very much(!) like to spend the rest of my life with him..but: He is always busy! First he was writing his thesis, then doing some kind of mini job. Now after all these years he has found the perfect job and I am so happy for him!! And so is he- he constantly tells me about what is going on at work, seeks my advice on things, … . He is so proud to finally to have made it. The downside is that this job is so very time consuming! We hardly see each other although we live in the same city. Like Meghan said, he sometimes works up to 13 hours! He doesn’t do anything else but work and hardly ever goes out with his friends or family. He only plays football once a week and whenever he can spare an hour, he wants to meet up with me. At the beginning I was okay with the situation but now I feel it’s nagging me more and more. Seeing him that little just doesn’t make me happy although I’m really trying to enjoy the time we spent together. But now it’s been two weeks since we last saw each other (we text each other daily though). He has asked me to be patient but I don’t know if I can. My mum had a husband who never had time for her/ us..and I am afraid the same will happen to me. (I know it’s silly but that’s just how I feel.) What should I do? Am I making too big of a deal? Please help if you can. God bless! All the best from Germany. Julia

  • lin

    My fiance and I have been together 4 years this July. Everything was great until about 3 months ago. He always seems to bust for me now. He’s not working anymore hours or have any new hobbies. He just Is too tired to go together or just makes sure he is busy. I mentioned it to him 6 weeks ago. “can we please go out alone as a couple just you and I. I like to spend time with you as a couple and it makes me feel appreciated ” ever since, when ever he’s got time off work he bring she’s daughter up for the whole week !! So we don’t get any time together , then when she’s not around he insists on inviting his male friend to stay for the whole week, just this week we have Thursday night off together so I left a polite note on the calendar about perhaps we could go out sometime the end of this week. Well he invites 2 of his friends to the cinema and then texts me to ask ” me and hhh and ggg are going to the cinema do you want to come with us?”
    Granted he thought I might like to go but I want to spend time with just is two as we haven’t for 6 weeks. I have tried explaining it bit it’s like he doesn’t listen. I hate nagging and being unhappy with him. I’m just so unhappy with the relationship and tired of trying to fix it on my own. He makes no effort to keep me happy I feel. It’s very important to me for us to spend alone time together , even just curled up on the sofa. It makes me feel loved and that he thinks about me. Time costs nothing yet you would swear I’m asking for gold !! His response when I ask why we don’t spend time alone. ” well you know I have my kid most of the week, I hardly see said kid when I’m working” ( single father, so I know it’s difficult for him) but he hasn’t got her 24-7 as his folks have her a few days for him too when he’s working or got other stuff to do.
    My whinge basically is because he always manages to dump his kid when he wants to go cinema with mates or the pub etc but won’t dump.his kid to spend time with me once a fortnight. It’s not like I want to go out every night. Don’t see the difference when he manages to dump his kid to go with his mates but won’t do same for me. He’s 43 I’m 28 . I’m feeling like I should leave and fond someone who appreciate me and wants to spend time with me. We can go weeks without sex too. Down to the fact that I don’t feel like having sex with Him because he doesn’t spend any positive time with me alone .

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thank you for being here, and sharing how it feels when your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you. If you and he have very different personalities, then the issue goes beyond how much time you spend together as a couple.

    I really appreciate the courage it takes to share how you feel, especially in writing. It’s not easy to admit that you’re having relationship problems. Writing about them makes them more real, and forces you to accept that something needs to change.

    My prayer is that you find strength, courage, and hope in your relationship. May you know what parts of your relationship can be changed, and what parts won’t change no matter how hard you try (you can’t change your boyfriend).

    May you learn what you can live with, and what you have to accept. And, may you become spiritually and emotionally healthy so you can see your relationship and your boyfriend clearly. I pray for wisdom and guidance as you decide how to move forward in your life!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Anna

    Hello.
    Yes, writing about relationship problems might help.
    I enjoyed this article and I even copied parts of the text to be able to read them later.

    My relationship of 2.5 years was always challenging. But mostly because of my fears as this is the first long-term relationship I have.
    He is sometimes great and fascinating but sometimes hard to talk to. Our biggest problem is the communication and lack of time spent together.
    He works from Monday to Friday, I am a freelance writer. We don’t see each other until the weekend comes (he needs space) but, sometimes, even when we’re together, he still finds some things to do and occupy his time with. He cares about me as he told me and I do, too.
    However, he told me he is a reclusive and doesn’t know how to relate to the others. He doesn’t have close friends, while I have-I know how to talk to the others and human relationships fascinate me. So, in this sense we are very different.
    Because of this difference, it’s very hard to relate to him-he never opens up, he does not want to show his emotions. When I open up (crying or worrying) he doesn’t understand it.
    However, we have meaningful discussions together-something I never had with another man. We are connected very strongly at a mental level but it’s not enough.
    Thank you for listening. (it wasn’t easy to write this)

  • Bridget

    My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years and have known each other for 15 years. We have just about the closest to perfect relationship that I can imagine. However, he has 3 jobs, many friends, and we are somewhat long distance. I work only part time and am not busy. His schedule has become more hectic and while I know without a doubt that he loves me, I can’t help but feel lonely. I’ve already told him and I see the efforts he’s made but I still get feelings of resentment when I know that it’s irrational. Please help!

  • Jen Peñafiel

    It happens to me all the time I feel like my boyfriend don’t want to spent longer time with me. But I can tell how supportive he is in my life and I know he loves me what makes me upset is when he talk to me then say “I have to go or I’m starving” and saying talk to you later. Then I waited for how many hours just to talk to him again.and after he message me his already tired and want to go to bed,I felt like I’m always neglected by him. But I love him so much more than anybody cause he is the only person accept me as what I am. Can anybody advice me? Maybe I’m just over reacted. Thanks

    • Heidi

      He is not accepting you as you are.He is training you to be what he is planning for you to become…be careful,look at the red flags…the signs of a player,I can assure you…I hope I am wrong..

  • Laurie

    Hello Ruth,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing how it feels when your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you….but he has time for other people. It sounds like you want things to be the way they were so badly that you aren’t willing to face the reality of your relationship.

    My prayer for you is that you find the strength and courage you need to see your relationship for what it is, and that you can see your boyfriend for who he is. He’s giving you all he can or wants to give, and he’s not willing to try harder. May you find other ways to get the love you need, and may you find happiness and peace in your life. Amen.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Ruth

    My boyfriend is a truck driver and he always makes excuses to not be texting me or talking to me but when I get our cell phone bill which is detailed it shows he has plenty of time to talk to others. Including other women that he swears are just friends. If I bring this up I’m told I have to trust him ( even though he has given me reason not to more the once) or we are through. We have been together 14 years and I keep telling him that after that long I think I know a thing or two about him. I hate how he treats me like I’m stupid. It not the lies that bother me so much, I’m used to those. It’s the insult to my intelligence that does. Just want us to get back to what we use to have.

  • Laurie

    The more you cling to your boyfriend and dwell on the time he’s not spending with you, the less attractive and appealing you’ll be! I think it’s important to create a life you love, that you’re happy with and are fully enjoying. People want to be around happy people.

    If your boyfriend isn’t giving you what you need, maybe it’s time to think about moving on. Be strong and courageous, and focus on your emotional health and happiness.

  • Sandy

    It’s been around two months that my boyfriend had started to neglect our relationship. I feel lonelt and depress not knowing how things between us got so distance? He’s usually good about spending time with me, but lately its been down spiraled. He doesn’t have the time for me anymore, he’s either working, or doing something after work. And most of all, his kids’ are his main priorty, I really do understand that. But he’s forgetting that he has a girlfriend too…I feel like this relationship is not where I want to go by being neglected, forgotten, someone who he cares to think that is trying to save the relationship…

  • Laurie

    If your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you, you feel lonely and neglected. It’s important to be honest about why he isn’t spending time with you! Is it because he’s super busy for a specific reason (eg, school or work), or is it always like this? If he’s always like this, you have to decide if you want to be in a relationship with a boyfriend who doesn’t make time for you.

  • Gracie

    D:
    I’m in a similar situation, he refuses counseling and wants to suffer his depression alone!!! I’ve spent the last 7 years trying to be there for “the love of my life” as he calls himself. I believe he is bi-polar and when I’ve tried to even slightly discuss this he “rages” I AM WHAT I AM, which just seems to confirm that. Our relationship every five weeks is beautiful and playful but every 5 weeks like clockwork he goes into this awful depression, pulls back from me and consistently blames everyone else for his problems. I always believed it was chemical, prescribed, but it seems to be his personality. I recently learned he just to beat his siblings to passing out when he was young. OMG?!! It’s heartbreaking to read what you wrote because that’s me. I love his boys so much but even they are trying to stay away from him. I think we both need to decide to put ourselves first, move on, and find someone who will love us for the wonderful loving people we are. God Bless. I hope we can do it.

  • D

    He once told me that everyone (his parents, siblings, friends and I) are complaining about his attitude, that we should all give him his space. That he doesnot want to be consoled or encouraged and that he wants to face it alone. He further said that he is workin on that everyone should be patient with him, that trying to poke him around will even scare him off, that whenever he is in a good spirit we all feel it as we feel the warmth of his goodtimes. I felt ok at least to know that I was not the only one he was avoiding and he’s not hating me afterall! But, the others are his family, they’ll always be family but I’m his woman and I’m lonely.