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Your boyfriend texted all the time at the beginning of your relationship. Now, he is sending fewer text messages – and they aren’t as loving, fun or sexy. Did your boyfriend lose interest? Why isn’t he sending as many text messages? Most importantly, what should you do?
“My boyfriend used to text me and call me everyday before he had me,” says Jasmine on What to Do When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Time for You. “But now he doesn’t text me anymore. I do all the calling and texting. When I complain about it, he says he is going through a lot now. He just lost his business and he is working as a waiter. He wants me to be understanding and he doesn’t have time for problems. Is it wrong for me to do all the calling, texting, and planning in the relationship? Will things will get better one day? My boyfriend admits he should text me more. What should I do?”
It’s scary when your boyfriend stops texting you because you don’t know what it means. And, you miss his messages! Thinking about the question “why did he stop texting me?” is even worse, because your imagination runs wild. And then you feel anxious and worried about your relationship.
You’re normal if you’re worried about his love for you. Texting is a sign of connection, love, and security…and when your boyfriend texts less or stops texting you altogether, you naturally feel scared. What if he lost interest in your relationship, or even stopped loving you?
What to Do When Your Boyfriend Texts Less – Or Isn’t Texting At All
Most relationships start strong and passionate, but the shine of first love and passion fades as time goes by. This is normal. No couple can sustain the excitement and romance of a new relationship for very long, because life gets in the way. Work, school, goals, health, family responsibilities, and general life problems demand our time and attention.
So, the good news is that it’s normal for a boyfriend to be texting and calling less often. I know this doesn’t make it easy or fun, but you can rest assured that it may not be a big deal that your boyfriend isn’t texting as much.
The most important thing to remember is that you can’t force your boyfriend to text more, nor will your boyfriend suddenly start texting messages you want to hear. Don’t try to change him; you’ll end up driving him away if you want him to be someone he’s not. My tips on how to respond to a “textless relationship” are about changing you and how you see your relationship…because you are the only person you can control.
1. Ask yourself if you’re expecting too much from your boyfriend
You may not know why your boyfriend is texting less or how many messages he used to send you…but are you expecting too much from him? Is it reasonable to expect your boyfriend to call or text every day? It depends on your lifestyles, future relationship plans, health, work situations, and stage of life. For instance, if your boyfriend is stressed and depressed because he lost his business and has to wait tables for a living, then maybe daily texts and phone calls are too much to ask. Maybe he needs time and space to sort out his life.
Some men can only focus on one aspect of life at a time, especially when it comes to their careers. If their jobs are in turmoil and they’re worried about money, then their romantic relationships may take a back seat for now. It’s important to make sure you’re not emotionally smothering your boyfriend by expecting him to text more often than he can.
2. Don’t complain that your boyfriend is texting you less
Be honest once about how you feel. Tell him, “I feel scared and rejected when you don’t call or text me, because I worry you’re not interested in me anymore” – and then let it go. Instead of nagging or complaining about what he does wrong or how he isn’t making you happy, start appreciating what he does right. When he calls, tell him how happy you are to hear from him. When he texts, text him back with lightness, love, and freedom.
Try not to put constraints on your boyfriend or demand his time, attention, and energy. Avoid falling into the trap of thinking he “should” do this or “should do that. Appreciate what he does well, and tell him when he makes you feel good about yourself or your relationship.
3. Create a fulfilling, exciting life for yourself
This is the best way to respond when your boyfriend isn’t texting you, or texts less than he used to! Are you a happy woman? Do you love life? Are you enthusiastic about your day, your job, your life, your place in this world? THAT’S the best way to respond when your boyfriend doesn’t text or call – start looking at your own level of happiness and life satisfaction.
Don’t rely on your boyfriend to make you happy – and don’t fool yourself into thinking your love will help him overcome depression or anxiety. The best way to spark your boyfriend’s interest and get him to call and text you again is to start genuinely loving your life.
If your life bores, frustrates, disappoints, or depresses you, then it’s time for a change. You need figure out what makes you happy, and start doing that. Your boyfriend is not your sole source of happiness – you need to create multiple levels of fulfillment. The best thing to do when your boyfriend is texting you less is to create a life you love.
4. Remember that happy, healthy women are beautiful girlfriends
If you’re enjoying your life and experiences, then your boyfriend will naturally gravitate towards you. He’ll want to spend time with you because he won’t feel pressured to make you happy. He won’t feel like it’s a chore to contact you – he’ll WANT to contact you because it makes him feel good to be in touch with you.
You don’t have to be a perfect cover model to be a beautiful, valuable, charming girlfriend. The most attractive people are those who are happy and enthusiastic about life! The more you focus on what you need and want from your life – and the more you realize that you can’t change anyone but yourself – the more empowered you’ll feel. The more powerful you feel, the happier you’ll be.
Also, remember that if you always contact your boyfriend, then he doesn’t need to reach out to you. But if you give him time and space to breathe, your boyfriend might start calling and texting you again. Give your boyfriend a chance to miss you. That may be all he needs to start texting you again.
5. Get emotionally and spiritually healthy
Instead of fixing your eyes on your relationship – or worrying that your boyfriend isn’t texting or calling you as often as he used to – focus on your own emotional and spiritual growth. For instance, are you happy and fulfilled in who you are? Do you even know who you are, as a child of God? Building a strong relationship with Jesus will fill you with a sense of peace, love and joy that no boyfriend can fill. If you’re emotionally and spiritually healthy, it won’t matter if your boyfriend doesn’t text every day, or all the time, or even once a week.
When you’re spiritually grounded, your relationships will fall into place. This doesn’t mean you’ll be happy with this boyfriend forever…it just means you’ll have the strength, joy and courage to face whatever comes your way. Even if your boyfriend never texts you again!
Help With Emotionally Detached or Distant Boyfriends
If you’re worried about your relationship, read Men Who Can’t Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart. Steven Carter and Julia Sokol describe how to recognize the signs that a man is afraid of commitment, and how to avoid heartbreak. If your boyfriend can’t commit to you and your relationship, you need to know as soon as possible.
Most importantly, get emotionally and spiritually healthy so you can recognize what’s happening with your boyfriend. The healthier you are, the better decisions you’ll make about your relationship.
Feel free to share your thoughts about what to do when your boyfriend is texting you less. I can’t give relationship advice, but it might help you to share your experience. Often, writing brings clarity and insight – and it might help you see you’re not alone. Writing can help you put your relationship in perspective – and even help you decide if it’s time to break up with your boyfriend.