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You Don’t Want Him, But You Want Him to Want You

Maybe it’s your ego, like this wife says about her feelings about her ex-husband. “I don’t want him back, but I want him to want me,” she says. How do you cope when you don’t want your ex, but you wish he wanted you back?

Here’s some of Sandy’s story:

“It’s been 3 months since my husband of 38 years walked out to be with another woman,” says Sandy on How to Cope When Your Husband Leaves You for Her. “I was so desperate and wanted to end my life. I lost everything: my marriage, my beautiful home, my comfortable life and future. I did not love him but I was happy enough in the marriage. I had to learned to accept my husband for the way he was.”


She says she underestimated how flattered her husband was by the attention of the other woman. She didn’t see her as a threat to their marriage. “I’m 67 and she’s 58 but I look young for my age,” says Sandy. “ She is the direct opposite of me; she and my husband are very alike.  Both like to drink, play golf and watch sports on TV.  When I’m being objective I can see how appealing this must be, but most of the time I’m angry because I know I’m smarter, savvier and more interesting.  How dare he prefer her, right? I don’t know why I care so much. I suppose I just want him to want me.”

Even if you know your relationship or marriage isn’t working out, you still feel sad, abandoned and rejected when it actually ends. It’s especially difficult when you don’t even want your ex back…but you wish he wanted you. 

You Wish Your Ex Wanted You Back, But You Don’t Want Him

Sandy said it’s her ego that is driving her feelings. “My ego has been shattered,” she wrote. “I obsess over their relationship and people know it, which makes me ashamed. I should be stronger than this. I know that life will be better without my husband — it already is less stressful —  but my life is on auto pilot and I have too much time to think about what he’s done.”

Such a smart woman! So much insight and self-awareness. She knows she doesn’t want him back, she just wants him to want her. Sandy says it’s her ego but I think she’s being too hard on herself. And I have a couple of ideas on how she can stop wanting her ex-husband to want her back.

1. Listen to Sofia (yourself!)

I Want Him to Want Me Back
When You Want Him to Want You Back

Sofia is the Greek word for “wisdom.” It’s your own natural self-awareness, intuition and wisdom. Sofia knows you better than you know yourself; she is you. She is your spirit, and she knows how and when you’ll heal from this relationship breakdown. Sofia is the Holy Spirit, and she wants you to know what she knows. She wants you to be healthy, whole, and happy…and she definitely wants you to stop wanting your ex to want you! As Sandy said, that is a frustrating and unhealthy place to be.

Why do you want him to want you? Are you searching for ways to get your ex back — even though you don’t even want to be in a relationship with him anymore? This is important! If you can figure out what you’re missing in your life — and your self — then you can get over your feelings of regret, shame, and unworthiness. This is where and why you need Sofia, to help you understand yourself.

2. Look carefully at yourself — your self-identity and self-image

The reason you want him to want you back is because your self-image is based on other people’s opinions of you. If your ex loves you, then you’re lovable. If he wants you back because the breakup broke his heart, you get a boost. Street cred. Yes, it’s ego…but it’s also a weak self-image. Your self-identity is based on what other people think.

Sandy says, “My ex-husband shows no remorse and the kids are basically on my side but they’re coming around to seeing him as less of a monster. This hurts. The house is for sale and he is anxious to get his money and move on. The other woman has millions so doesn’t need his money. She played it cool with him so far, to avoid looking like a home wrecker. I don’t want him back but I suppose I want him to want ME back.”

3. Base your self-identity on a richer, deeper source

We’re all affected by what other people think, but not all of us are controlled by the opinions of others. It took me a long time to realize that I do care what people think…but I care more what God thinks. I care about following Jesus Christ, and being filled with the Holy Spirit. Sofia! Wisdom, peace, comfort, and healing. My self-identity used to be based on what people think, but not anymore. Now I know who I am.


Who are you? What do you really think about yourself and your life? Who are you becoming, growing into? How are you living your life? Do you have a rich, deep spiritual life — a walk with God? Those questions have the power to heal your heart and replace your ego with the truth of who you are. If you base your identity and self-image on God’s perspective of you, you will be able to deal with those feelings of wanting your ex back. If you know and live out of who you truly are (God’s beloved child, created for more than you know!), you won’t care who does and doesn’t want you. You will feel the confidence and security of being loved by the only one who matters.

What do you think? Feel free to share your thoughts and questions below. How do you respond to yourself when you keep thinking, “I don’t want him but I want him to want me back”? Pay attention to your own thought patterns. Consider how your ego is affecting your feelings about your ex, and how you might find a healthier, more spiritual source of your self-image. You’ll find wisdom and healing inside you – especially if you ask Sofia for help 🙂

If you’re dealing with anxiety or depression, read How to Overcome Depressed Feelings After a Breakup. Sometimes we need to take care of ourselves emotionally and physically before we can even think connecting with God. 

In the Spirit,

Laurie

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