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When Your Husband Still Works With His Ex Affair Partner

Your husband is still working with the woman he had an affair with – which means he sees his “ex affair partner” every day. Of course you feel jealous and insecure!

You know your husband loves you, but what if he’s still emotionally attached or physically attracted to the other woman? What if they fall in love, or sleep together, or rediscover their old feelings for each other? What if your husband has a meeting with his ex affair partner that turns into more than an innocent day at work?

It’s normal to feel jealous when your husband still works with his ex affair partner. “Sometimes, old, unfinished relationships come back to haunt and take precedence over the current one,” writes therapist Randi Gunther, author of Relationship Saboteurs: Overcoming the Ten Behaviors that Undermine Love. “A couple who could once speak openly and authentically to each other suddenly cannot speak their truth or listen openly anymore because of a threat neither anticipated. Negative issues that were once only a small fraction of the relationship slowly overwhelm what positive experiences once counteracted them. Betrayals happen. Promises don’t pan out. And dreams change.”

It’s normal and even healthy to feel jealousy when your husband sees his ex affair partner every day because they work together. But, it’s crucial to deal with your jealous feelings in healthy ways or your jealousy will sabotage your marriage.

The first thing you need to do is face the root of your jealous feelings. For example, I wasn’t just jealous when my husband met his ex-girlfriend for lunch; I felt insecure and scared he still wanted to be with her. I was worried he wasn’t over her, that he and she would fall into their old relationship or even feel sexual attraction again. I felt threatened. These feelings are especially normal and understandable when your husband still works with the woman he had an affair with.

How to Cope When Your Husband Still Works With His Ex Affair Partner

Here’s what a reader said about dealing with the jealous feelings she experiences when her husband sees his ex affair partner at work every day:

“My husband assures me he loves me and only wants to be with me,” says a reader in response to Why Your Husband Cheated: A Marriage Style That “Allows” Affairs. “His relationship with the other woman is over and they will never be romantic again. But why doesn’t he quit that job and work somewhere else? He says it’d be too hard to find a new job and that he rarely sees his ex affair partner. What if she still wants to be with him? It is starting to really make me crazy!”

My jealousy of my husband’s ex-girlfriend isn’t the same thing, but I know what it’s like to let your imagination run wild. I really was scared my husband might leave me for his ex. I also refused to admit I felt jealous and insecure; I blamed everything on my husband seeing his ex. If you feel something similar, my tips on how to deal with jealousy may help you cope.

1. Understand why your husband is still working with the other woman

How to Cope When Your Husband Still Works His Ex Affair Partner
When Your Husband Still Works With the Other Woman

The truth is that your husband may genuinely worry about finding a job at a different place. Plus, there’s the complication of explaining to a new company or organization why he’s looking for work (your husband won’t want to say his wife doesn’t want him to work with his ex affair partner anymore!). Your husband may honestly feel that since the affair is over and he is no longer attracted to the other woman, there is no reason to quit his job.

Listen to your husband’s reasons for continuing to work with the other woman. Put yourself in his shoes, and trust your own intuition. I don’t know if your husband has good or valid reasons for working with his ex affair partner, but I understand why you feel insecure and jealous! If you want to save your marriage, you need to come to terms with your husband’s decision to keep working with the other woman.

2. Pay attention to your intuition when your husband talks about his ex affair partner

There’s a big difference between your husband going to occasional work meetings with the other woman versus talking to her on the phone every day. A wife once told me that her husband’s ex affair partner accompanied him on business trips three or four times a year. They wouldn’t stay in the same hotel room, but they spent a great deal of time alone together. This is not okay — but this wife refused to listen to her intuition. Her husband almost ended up cheating with the other woman again, but he stopped before anything happened.


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She and her husband agreed that he should quit his job because he worked too closely with this ex affair partner. She ignored her intuition and pretended everything was find. It ended up okay because her husband really did want to save their marriage, but she said she’d never ignore her instincts again.

If your intuition is whispering (or screaming!) at you about your husband working with his ex affair partner, read Is Your Marriage Over? 6 Signs You Shouldn’t Ignore. Maybe you’re not “just” being jealous. Maybe you know something he hasn’t admitted yet.

3. Don’t let anyone call you crazy

Some wives feel crazy often because their husbands tell them they’re overreacting. “You’re jealous because I work with the woman I had an affair with three years ago?” a husband might ask. “It’s over. Nothing is going on. I love you, and you know it. You’re my wife and you have nothing to be jealous of. Don’t be unreasonable.”

If you’re confused about how you should feel about your husband working with his ex affair partner, talk about your thoughts and feelings with someone you trust. Talk to someone who knows you, who can help you sort through your jealous or insecure feelings. If your jealousy is out of control and you really do feel like you’re going crazy because your husband still works with the woman he had an affair with, consider talking to a marriage therapist who specializes in cheating husbands. He or she can give you an objective perspective on both your feelings and your marriage.

4. Tell your husband that you’re jealous because of his work situation

Talking to your husband about the fact that he still works with his ex affair partner might reassure you. Tell him the truth: his job makes you jealous, uncomfortable, or anxious. Be as honest as you can. If you tell your husband how you feel — no matter how painful it is or vulnerable you feel — then you’re being your true self with him.

However, don’t assume or expect your husband to quit his job because you’re uncomfortable that he works with the woman he had an affair with. You may already know this: your husband may be unwilling or unable to change his work situation because of your feelings.

Most loving husbands will change their behavior to make their wives happy — especially after something as painful as an affair. However, it’s not always possible to make changes, especially if a new job really is difficult to find. This means you need to decide if this is a “make or break” situation. Will this be the thing that ends your marriage? Before you answer that, read Is the Affair Really Over? 5 Signs He’ll Cheat on You Again.

5. Get emotionally and spiritually healthy

The best way to deal with jealousy and insecurity when your husband works with the woman he had an affair with is to rebuild your self-worth and value. Look outside your marriage for a sense of identity and purpose in your life. Are you spiritually grounded in God, emotionally healthy, socially happy? Can you recognize and stop unhealthy thought patterns? Is your jealousy caused by your own low self-esteem, or is your husband’s job a true cause for concern? Getting emotionally and spiritually healthy will help you answer those questions.

Don’t let your insecurity or unhappiness ruin a marriage that can be saved. Find ways to permanently resolve the pain of knowing your husband is working with his ex affair partner every day. This will take time and effort; rebuilding your marriage after your husband cheated isn’t easy. But it can be done — and you and your husband can enjoy a healthier, happier, stronger marriage if you and he can work through this together.

Your comments – big and little – are welcome below. How are you dealing with the pain of knowing your husband still works with the woman he had an affair with? You may find it helpful to share your story; writing is a great way to work through painful emotions and untangle confusing thoughts.

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116 thoughts on “When Your Husband Still Works With His Ex Affair Partner”

  1. Hey ladies, hope everyone is staying safe and healthy with all the coronavirus stuff that’s going on. No matter where you are in the world, seems we’re all being touched by this. Where I am, we’ve closed schools for weeks and likely for the remainder of the semester. It all has just happened so quickly. Last Monday, we were back at work from spring break, everything moving along as “normal,” and then by the end of the week we were shutting down for three weeks and moving instruction online. It’s an unreal amount of upheaval. I know so many people are going through so many changes as we navigate this virus situation. I, of course, feel lucky to have a job and to be healthy, but I also feel uneasy about how strange this all is and how long things will be uncertain.

    As for my affair, wow, is this an interruption. I saw someone I follow on Twitter post something last night that said, “What are people having affairs doing to get through quarantine?” and it was a pretty knowing tweet. My MM and I already sometimes have to go three weeks without seeing each other during our winter breaks, but now we’re looking at maybe two months? Yikes. And you all know how he gets distant during time apart. His whole style is to just go with the distance. He has always said it’s hard for him to stay close when we can’t be close. But, of course, that sucks for me. I get that’s his style, but he knows that I want closeness during distance. It’s how it helps me bridge the distance. This has always been a sticking point for us, and it’s going to be no different this time I fear. He was supposed to come over tomorrow, but he no longer is able to and I think that was our last opportunity for a while. His W and kids are also home now, and it’s not like he can just run out to the store for 3 hours! Oh yeah, and we also had an overnight planned in April that has to be canceled now. (Again, you know I get there are serious things going on in the world right now, but relationship stuff can still hurt during all of this.)

    I’m grateful that he and I got to go on a date last Monday. It’s weird to think back to that Monday, which is only 8 days ago, and it was so nice to spend all those hours with him. We had a really nice time going for drinks and then dinner and then going to a club to listen to some music. He was touching me almost the entire time we were in that club. He stayed so close. The whole night just went so well. We were just happy and in love. Then Friday we were able to go to lunch as it was all shutting down at work. We were able to get a little time in his car to kiss a bit. Again, it was so nice. He touched and kissed me so nicely, even in the short time we had. At that point, I still was naively thinking we’d find some time this week to see each other, but I no longer think we will and have no idea when we will be able to again. And you know he doesn’t text much. We no longer chat online, although I’m considering asking him to start that up again. For now, it’ll just be email, and I think he’ll just make me feel worse when he doesn’t show the closeness I need. I know this is stressful for him, too, but he likes to play it off as no big deal. Except that, if it wasn’t a big deal, he’d be able to show love and affection. But because he stresses about being apart, he withdraws. I get it. It still sucks. It would go such a long way with me if he’d just send something lovely over email. On Saturday, when he still thought we were going to see each other this week, he sent a nice email, that included a nice song telling me he was thinking about me. But, by this afternoon when it looked like we wouldn’t have a chance to see each other tomorrow, it was just a short email not even responding to much of what I said in my response yesterday. I don’t know what I want to do (if anything) to try to get some better communication from him over this time apart. But I guess I have plenty of time to think!

    1. Hi Felk,
      I wish you and your friends and family the best of health and prosperity during this time of uncertainty. I don’t know where you live but I’m in Chicago and we have been hunkering down now for the last week. I’m in shock which for me leads to motionlessness. The best thing I can do is try to be helpful to others where possible.

      He may have shut down on you when there was forced distance in the past but this is quite the exception. Now more than ever do we need to reach out and lean on the people we love. I’m sorry your plans were foiled. Who ever would’ve thought a global pandemic would actualize.

      Life feels fragile. Why not ask for what you’d like? Can you get in your car and take a drive? Can he do the same and call you? IM is more real time than email if you want to reinstate that again. For what it’s worth, I was like him back in my affair. When he would take those 3 week vacations I’d want nothing to do with him and he’d want to be in regular contact. I shut down and distanced myself during times apart. It’s a protection mechanism to try and save your heart from missing the other person.

      Please be cautious, vigilant and safe. Take great care!

      1. Hi TTSP, it is definitely strange times. Where I am (near you), we are also under shelter-in-place orders and I have not left my house since Tuesday last week. The weather hasn’t been great (but the snow was beautiful yesterday), but I see 50s on the horizon and I’m hoping to get out more regularly (for walks) once it gets a little warmer. I know you work from home a lot, but this is quite a different thing. I hope you’re still able to reach out to others at this time. I know you certainly help me when you reach out here!

        I know you’ve said in the past that you’d shut down when your MM was on a vacation. It has helped me understand my MM’s reaction. I think it’s exactly as you say and he’s trying to protect his heart from hurting too much when we’re apart. I get it. Being in contact can be a reminder of how you’re not together. It’ll be interesting to see how he reacts to this kind of extreme distance, though. It is an unusual situation, and, so far, he hasn’t changed much. He doesn’t seem more distant, but he doesn’t seem closer either. He’s agreed to IM (which we haven’t done since the break up in 2017) and said that he thought that would be a good idea. We haven’t chatted through IM yet. We just missed each other online by 20 minutes last night so that was frustrating. I left my computer to go do a few things, and when I came back, he’d contacted me, but didn’t seem he stuck around very long to wait. 🙁 I felt some of that familiar disappointment last night with IM not working out for us, and I am a little leery of getting back into this IM thing because it didn’t always provide the closeness I wanted. Sometimes, it made me feel worse than had we not talked because he was being distant. I’ll just hope that doesn’t happen again or, if it does, I recognize it sooner and can either stop the chat or ask him more directly about it so that we can talk it out.

        He’s also suggested a few other ideas for being “together” when apart, but, given the shelter-in-place, I don’t think we’ll be trying to arrange any grocery store rendezvous any time soon. 🙂 We rarely did phone calls in our relationship so I don’t see that happening either. Even if he were able to leave the house to call, my H is home most days so I would have to leave the house, too, and it just becomes tough to coordinate with this shelter-in-place stuff. I guess if I go for walks as the weather gets better, it could be possible, but, again, hard to coordinate. I think it’ll mainly be IM and possibly some video… where we just look at each other while we IM because we can’t talk out loud with others home. 🙂 I just hope we find each other online soon because I am missing him. It doesn’t feel too bad because I’ve kind of accepted this social distancing thing and know it’s going to be weeks/months until I see him in person, but, in general, I think we’re all just wanting more connection with others and so I’d like some with him.

    2. Felk,

      I’m so happy to hear you’re ok out there in the world wherever you are. You are right in saying that no matter where you are, you are impacted by this! I am hopeful that we will get through this but who knows how long it will take. There isnt much opened in my town, outside of a drive through or a pharmacy. I am working from home until further notice. My job follows the school system in the county in which I live and the teachers are working from home so we are as well. I don’t know that my kids enjoy me being home because there is structure to their day but we need that structure because it’s easy for us to lay around all day, watching movies and just hanging out in the house.

      My daughter is recovering from her surgery and I was going to be out of work for two weeks either way. She is healing greatly! Her post op scheduled for April has been changed to a televisit, her doctor said she doesn’t need to be in any hospital unnecessarily. I have never done a televisit with a doctor so this should be interesting. My guess is, there will be questions to answer. I’m just happy shes ok, I was nervous wreck about it and couldn’t concentrate on work or school. Happy all of that is over. We are all just trying to stay healthy!!

      I was able to spend some time with my guy Saturday. We didn’t go anywhere this time but we still enjoyed the time spent together. He has been doing great with his communication. He seems to want to connect with me more. We saw each other 2x last week. He said he would like for us to have more impromptu moments. I said, ummm ok! He said, I am serious, I should see my gf more than 2x a month and you can tell me you want to see me sometimes so I can make it happen more than just the 2x a month. I said, ok that would be nice. Who knew that everything would change so suddenly ?! He has made it his priority to contact me everyday, typically when he walks his dog or if he leaves out to grab something to eat. I don’t know how we will communicate if this goes on for an extended amount of time. He called today like 3x, he went to get food, went to the store and a few minutes ago to let me know he was getting ready for bed. I told him, I don’t know how this will go if I have to go 60-90 days without any alone time but I guess I will figure it out and it will be ok. He said why would you need to go that long without seeing me. I said, well it’s going to be hard to see each other during this crisis. He said that is not true, he will make sure he can see me, it just may not be for long periods of time because he will have to check on his mom and family. I said, o ok I just thought it would be a challenge. I’m not counting on it happening but who knows. The news chages daily so I don’t know what to think about tomorrow nevertheless the next 60-90 days.
      I can see how you may be feeling about all of this but I know you will be understanding considering the circumstances. It definitely a bummer, especially considering you had a overnight planned…how did you guys plan that ? I have not had the pleasure of enjoying that. I am sure, its lots of fun and pretty exciting. Hopefully you will get that time when this settle down. As far getting better communication, i think it will take some consideration, patience, honesty, time management and compromise. If you both are able to meet somewhere in the middle with those things this will be ok. If there is work you both are responsible for completing while youre out of work, maybe you can coordinate a schedule so you can chat with each other or at least send and receive emails at a specific time. I think it is possible for both of you to manage this time apart in a reasonable way. I know it may be a bit challenging but it can work out. Unfortunately and also fortunately you have experienced times where you were unable to communicate because of the “break up” but with that came some lessons that helped you to manage in times like this. Whenever we go through things like it can be unfortunate but fortunately if you make it through rough times alive, hopefully you have learned a lesson or two or gained a new skill or strategy on how to deal with something in a different. I hope that makes sense to you because it makes a lot of sense in my head. If all else fails you have some support here, I will check in more often because I am home and will have the opportunity to check in more often.
      I did not have a chance to reply to your post to me from weeks ago, I believe I started but was side tracked by something else. I know i was unpacking what you said about me being in relationships where I have always been cheated on and being in this relationship it is more of an acceptable way of cheating because he was honest up front and the expectation was never for him to be “faithful”. That may be a twisted way for me to live my life in terms of relationships but I am sure that has something to do with the fact that this works for me on many levels and its what I am comfortable in…as I have said before, its a bit safer for me as I have not had to worry about his monogamy at all because I already know what it is. I do not know if I am capable of being available enough for a normal relationship. I think I am more emotionally screwed up then what I thought I was. The friend of mine who I dealt with years ago (he liked me in HS but never said anything and I thought we were friends) while he was separated and then he came around again last year separated and telling me his feelings for me will not go away etc but he is currently back with his wife. Well he contacted me to see if I needed anything during this crisis. He and I talked and I felt that he was pitching to me how I could be his friend on the side, he said things like he really miss me as a friend and he would love to just get away from his house and have somewhere to come chill and no one would know where he is etc. He said some other things that made me ask him if he was trying to get a woman on the side, him and I laughed about it because of the way I said it and I am humorous in general, but he said he is with her but he just does not care anymore. He would never make a woman feel like she is the other woman but he said marriage is complicated and I wish my wife would agree to an open marriage because she is the one that openly cheated more than once and I have stepped out when we agreed to separate and I was not in the home. He said, everything is entangled from family to money and the kids. He said, she is a mean nasty woman and she really would make my life a living hell. He said but whatever this is I have for you will not go away, its been almost 20 years and it just won’t go away. He said, I wish I could turn it off like a switch because it would make things better. I understood where he was coming from to a certain extent, but it made look at myself. I really am #1 on these guys #2 list. Another guy I was in relationship with for a while reached out to me to see if I was ok and he has someone else as well and is always telling me how much he loves me etc. As I was thinking about my past relationships and current relationship, it made me want to truly get down to the bottom of my, “emotional unavailable energy” and I may also be a “self sabotage”. I don’t know that I will figure it out but I would like to work through it at some point…in case I engage in a normal relationship again lol.

      I typed almost all of this during last week but forgot to send it out. There may be some incomplete thoughts throughout but I wanted to go ahead and post it because I keep forgetting to😬

      Chat soon

      1. LL, good to hear that you and yours are safe, and good that your daughter was able to get her surgery done before all of this really blew up. I’m sure it must have been scary, though. I hope your televisit goes smoothly. I know a lot of doctors are doing that now, and I wouldn’t be surprised if this sparks a trend for the future where we do more televisits instead of in-person!

        That’s also great that your MM is being good with communication and trying to see you more. I know it’s nice to hear that he wants more impromptu moments, but I also know you won’t hold your breath because those can be hard to find in our situation. I remember years ago when my MM said something similar one summer. I was so happy that he was suggesting trying to find more time to see each other, and then it didn’t really happen much because it was too hard to schedule. 🙂 My MM got frustrated too quickly with making plans and then having to cancel them that he stopped asking! I could see your MM trying to find some impromptu time, but, like you said, it’s going to be hard right now with all the kids home and with shelter-in-place orders (I don’t know if you have that where you are, but we have that here). This is one of those times where I think “it’s the thought that counts” matters a lot. Even if you can’t see each other much in the next month or so, he wants to and that matters a lot. I’d like to hear a little of that from my MM.

        I know you’re right about the patience we all have to practice right now. I feel pretty patient. I’m feeling pretty good about trusting my MM’s love and not needing too much communication, but I am starting to miss him. I’m just wanting that connection with him. As you may have seen in my post to TTSP, we’re planning to IM again (haven’t done that in 2.5 years), but we just missed each other online last night! It was hard to see I’d missed a message from him, but I don’t want to get into that sadness during all of this distancing. I know that will likely happen more times through these weeks. Just have to be patient. And you are absolutely right that a lot of that strength I feel now came from being apart during the break-up. I learned a lot about how IM can be a problem for us so I’m going to try to deal with that better this time. I feel a little anxious about just doing that first IM, since it’s been so long since we have. Just kind of want to get that first one out of the way to feel some normalcy. 🙂

        As for the overnight we had planned in April, it’s a yearly conference that we’ve gone to together many times. We hadn’t spent the night together since that conference in 2017, though. So I was really looking forward to this year. Had just found out he booked his room when we got the announcement our school was going online and then we assumed the conference would be canceled (which it was).

        It sounds like you’re doing a lot of thinking about being available for a “normal” relationship. Maybe it’s that you’ve been burned so many times in the past by partners cheating on you that you just don’t want to open yourself up for that hurt again? Maybe you don’t trust yourself to choose a partner who won’t cheat? It does sound like that friend from HS who got back in touch last year is trying to suggest something on the side with you. I like how you phrase it that you’re #1 on both guy’s #2 list. I know that can be flattering to hear a guy is still in love with you from 20 years ago, but I think there is also an honesty that goes with that about if that guy is in love with you then why isn’t he with you? I bet there is something to your “emotional unavailability” and “self-sabotage.” What’s most important is that you’re happy and that you’re acting true to yourself. I know that your #1 priority is also your kids so maybe that’s another reason it’s easier to be in an affair? I know we tend to think long-term happiness isn’t really possible in an affair, but maybe it’s what works for you? Ultimately, I think most people would be happier in a “normal” relationship where they can get consistent love and support and where they know they are #1 on someone’s #1 list. But maybe this is really what works best for you right now. Are you happy?

        1. I like what you both said about being #1 on someone’s #2 list and needing consistent support. What a perfect proverb for an outside relationship. This coupled with wanting society to know you are #1 on someone’s #1 list hit me the hardest. I have to think some of the most difficult decisions to stick with are ones that have the most glaring answer.

          1. TTSP,

            Hey, its nice to hear from you. With everything going on right now, it really is great to know that you ladies are staying healthy! A friend of mine, didn’t like that I described it in that way but it was the truth. My ex from years ago who I was with for about 6-7 yrs and he was a habitual cheater, reached out to me begging me to hang out with him and go to the movies or dinner when this settles down. It further solidifies my point of being #1 on their number #2 list. I can’t say that I would not prefer to be someone’s one and only. However, the reality is, that is not the case right now. Society creates the norms and abnormalities and “we” think that is what we should set our standards to and use as a guide on how our lives should unravel. If you go against this you are a rebel amongst other names but I understand the importance of “systems” because it creates order. If everyone went against the norms of society, I don’t know how we would function. I think there is something to this whole “societal norm” vs “you”. I had a therapist who I saw for a few years and I loved her, she was very spirited and of the earth (so to speak). I saw her once recently (had not seen her since 2009/2010), I spoke with her about MM and I thought she would try to get me to see all of the reasons it was wrong, bad, horrible, a sin etc. However, that was not what she seem to want me to discover…instead she asked about how I felt within the situation, as I told her stories of how things go with our relationship,we talked about society and she asked me if I lived my life for society or if I lived my life for me. I thought, hmmmm both lol. She said, you have to have an understanding that when you are not falling in line with societal norms, it doesn’t mean you’re a horrible person, it may be meant for you to share your business with everyone but it doesn’t mean your a bad person who will never have a monogamous relationship. It simply means you are human! She said, everyone’s need from a relationship is different and when this type of relationship no longer serves our need one of will decide it’s time to move on. She said or it’s something that is functional for you both and you won’t end it. Either way, do what makes you happy and live for you.

            I cannot say that what she said was right or wrong but I understood it. When I decide that this no longer serves me, I will walk away and no matter how hard it will be, I will do it. BAF was able to do it after all of those years, she was able to walk away because it didn’t serve her anymore and she was ready to do something different in life. I’m sorry I went off on a tangent that you didn’t ask for lol.

            I hope you are doing well and staying indoors as often as possible!

            Peace and Blessings
            LL

        2. Felk,

          It’s nice to know you are ok! We do not have a shelter in place in my state. However, almost everything outside of the grocery stores or stores that sell essential items are closed. We can go outside but we have to practice social distancing. The kids and I were able to take a walk and there was no one else near us during our walk, and if someone came near they crossed to the other side or maintained their distance.
          It is challenging for the kids, they are ready to go back to school and get their normal life back but I don’t know that that will happen any time soon. They are suppose to go to their dads house tomorrow, it’s his weekend but I don’t want them to go. I’m nervous about exposure at his house and they come back home or if they were exposed here (because I had to go to more than one store to stock up on things) and take it to his house. It’s such an unfortunate situation. I know he want to see them and have him there with him for a few days but I’m just unsure about it. I wonder what other families in this situation is doing…

          I’m happy you and your MM have decide a way to communicate with each other during all of this. This is definitely a trying time for people and their health but also relationships like this are hard to manage regularly, nevertheless you throw a curve like this. Hopefully the IM will go well and yes both of you will have remain patient and secure throughout these weeks. Focus and remind each other of the great moments you have shared with one another. Rely on that during the moments when you miss each other and cannot talk. My MM has called me so much, it is overwhelming me. I know….can you believe I’m saying its overwhelming ?! As much as I have complained about communication and he maintaining, I feel overwhelmed. He calls me two to three times a day. If he goes to the store he asks me if I need something. The other day he was able to meet me to give me water that he picked up from the store for me because that is not easy to come by right now. Wednesday he called me two times within 20 minutes and I didn’t answer because I was talking to a girlfriend of mine who told me to answer the phone for him and I told her no because I just needed a break. Well I didnt message him back after he called and that was around 7p. He text me at 11pm and said, wtf man…
          I said, sorry I was laying around, had cramps (this is true but not all of the truth) and he knew I had just came on because I told him so he didn’t respond. I spoke to him today and he called about 3x. The first time was around 5 and the second time was about 7p and he called back about 8p for 5mins. He said, babe I know you’re saying, damn he just keeps calling me, he said in a 🙄 tone. I didn’t have the guts to say, you are overwhelming me so I said, I appreciate you making sure you communicate with me daily because you know that’s important to me so yea you’re calling me a lot but I know why. He said, well I didn’t want anything just wanted to be sure to talk to you before I go in for the night. I said, ok. We were on the phone for 5minutes. You know what I thought about today, the fact that I sabotage!! The real reason it is overwhelming me for him to call everyday 2-3x a day is because I’m afraid that he won’t be able to keep that up for the duration of this “isolation period”. Therefore, I will create a way for it to not happen everyday so that I’m not too let down when he can’t keep it up. I know, a crazy person…right?!😟 My friend said, he really misses you and you did that to him. She said, he is not just calling you because he thinks that’s what you want. He is calling because he wants to and he wants to make sure you’re ok and he really really misses you. I told her she may be right! He told me today that, when this is over he wants us to go stay a night somewhere. He asked where I wanted to go and I said, I don’t know. He said we can go this place that is about 2 states north of us and stay overnight. I said, sure that sounds good and it’s not too far. He said, it really doesn’t matter where we go as long as we are together, we have a good time. I said, that is true.
          He told me earlier this week that he needed to see me to get alone time before this got really bad but the next day my cycle started…so he settled for seeing me long enough to bring me my water and head back home.

          You pose some good questions in your last paragraph…
          I do not trust myself to make decisions about men. I don’t think I’m that good at it and I’m afraid I will get hurt all over again. I’m aware that I’ve been resilient and strong enough to push forward through some unfortunate situations and I honestly believe that I have the strength to move forward from a rough situation but I just don’t have the confidence to confront it right now. I honestly haven’t met anyone to give it a try but I think when my kids are grown, that will be my time to explore a little more. I will literally have the time to focus on myself. My kids are my top priority and my focus is on them. I think this situation “works” for me more than a traditional relationship right now. It meets my needs most times.

          The guy who has loved me for 20 yrs, finally understands what I’ve been trying to tell him about that statement. I told him the other day that, everytime he says that and everytime he decides to talk to me in a way that shows his attraction for me is a reminder that he didn’t chose me. He said, wow that hurt. He said he has never looked at it like that and he has never heard me explain it like that. I told him I am pretty good with articulating how I feel but wording is important and maybe I didn’t have those same words when I tried to explain it before but that is how I feel and I don’t want to keep being reminded of the fact that you didn’t chose me. It sucks!!! He said, I am so sorry and whenever I think of contacting you to say anything outside of checking on your well-being I will think of that to keep me grounded because I never want you to feel that way. I was able to say that to him from 3-6 feet away because he brought me water a few gallons of water and put them in front of the door.
          I don’t know what is happening in the universe but my ex who I was with for 6-7 yrs reached out to me on Tuesday begging me to be his friend and hang out. I told him that it wasn’t a good idea and he persisted and asked if I was seeing someone. I told him it didn’t matter if I was seeing someone or not, I wasn’t interested in dating him. I told him I wasn’t available. He was literally begging and pleading and I told him I am cordial with him and am able to maintain that but that’s the extent of our relationship. I told him I did not have time to “play” with anyone who didn’t handle me with care when they had the chance to. He said, he was sorry to bother me and stopped texting me. All of this happened through text messages, it started around 4p and he didn’t quit until 12am. I told my girlfriend about it she said, what are you doing to these men ???! They are all obsessed with you or something. I said, I’ve been too “EASY” and there are a lot of people who prefer easy over difficult. Therefore, they still try their hand. I told her that when it comes to certain things in life she would prefer easier and she agreed and I said I think that is the impression they have of me. She said, I don’t think that is totally true. She said I think you’re a great person who doesn’t give herself enough credit. She said, I’ve told you you are so easy to talk to, gentle and you make everyone feel comfortable. It is not easy to get that from people and its genuine. I told her, I am happy that I’m staying form with both of those guys because I taught them that if you push hard enough, I will forgive and give you another chance but I’m tired of that and it’s not the greatest feeling to think, you are number 1 on more than one person’s number 2 list….

          It is 3:58am and my biological clock is off track right now. I will check back in tomorrow.

          Please stay healthy and safe!

  2. I’m really struggling and need some advice. I’ve recently discovered my husband had an 8mth long affair with his secretary. He says it’s over and he wants to make things work with me. But he still works with her. This isn’t someone he sees now and then. This is his secretary who sits at the desk beside him 4 days a week in a large machinery shed. I’m struggling to deal with his choices to remain working there and for him to think it’s ok to keep working with her. He knows it’s hurting me but he won’t address the issue.

    1. Hi Natalie, Welcome to the board! I’m sorry you’re going through this. A spouse’s betrayal is a brutal thing to find out. First, I’ll say that I think Laurie gave some good advice about how to handle when your spouse still works with their affair partner. I think there are practicalities you have to take into account – CAN your H get a new job? Is that reasonable? But, ultimately, when you are cheated on, I think it comes down to paying attention to how you feel and keeping communication open with your H. Pay attention to how you feel – don’t let your H suggest you’re making a big deal out of nothing or that you’re being ridiculous. You recently found this out. Of course you’re feeling uncomfortable about him still working with this woman. It is completely understandable to feel that way. Don’t dismiss or downplay those feelings.
      Give yourself room to feel upset and angry (and threatened and worried and devastated and sad and everything), and definitely give yourself room to tell your H what you need to make this work. You may not know exactly what you need yet, but your H has to be willing to earn your trust again. From everything I’ve read about a cheating partner, one of the most important things for healing your marriage is the cheater cutting off contact with the affair partner. It is difficult to heal your marriage otherwise. It’s not just that you’ll worry about the temptation to your H (and, of course, that’s a big part of it), but it’s also that she will be a constant reminder of his betrayal. Further, cutting off contact with the affair partner is one way your H can show that he is committed to your marriage and that he values your relationship. Cutting off contact with the affair partner is important for showing that he recognizes he messed up and that he’s willing to do what it takes to stay with you. I think you know that it is not good that he knows staying in that job is hurting you and yet he is still choosing to do that. Again, is he able to leave the job? Would he be able to get a reasonably comparable job elsewhere? If so, then he needs to be willing to consider that for the sake of your marriage.

      If the reveal of his affair is rather recent, then of course emotions are running high and there are a lot of things for you to sort out. There is also processing that your H needs to do. He may not immediately realize that he needs to leave his job. Sometimes out of fear/sadness of no longer being in contact with a person they cared about or sometimes out of delusions that they can “handle” it or sometimes out of feeling guilt/pity for the other person or sometimes they are sure they are “done” with that person, they don’t immediately cut off contact with that person.

      Finding out about this kind of betrayal is huge. I found a lot of help in dealing with a partner’s betrayal from the beyondaffairs.com website. They have articles and podcasts that have great advice for trying to heal your marriage after an affair. They are also realistic that some relationships cannot be saved, but they give you great tools for trying to work through this. The advice that worked best for me was about asking for what I needed and knowing my limits. Knowing if certain things didn’t change that I had to be ready to leave. Respecting myself and my value. And that can be particularly hard when betrayed and you feel so low. But, for me, that was critical to working through the betrayal. And it takes time. Give yourself time. I felt the simultaneous pull of wanting to be “over” it and knowing I needed to take my time feeling what I needed to feel, thinking through it all, and talking a lot to him.

      For full disclosure, I’ve been cheated on and I’ve cheated. I came to this website a few years ago because I am currently having an affair and was looking for support from other women in affairs.