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When Your Husband Still Works With His Ex Affair Partner

Your husband is still working with the woman he had an affair with – which means he sees his “ex affair partner” every day. Of course you feel jealous and insecure!

You know your husband loves you, but what if he’s still emotionally attached or physically attracted to the other woman? What if they fall in love, or sleep together, or rediscover their old feelings for each other? What if your husband has a meeting with his ex affair partner that turns into more than an innocent day at work?

It’s normal to feel jealous when your husband still works with his ex affair partner. “Sometimes, old, unfinished relationships come back to haunt and take precedence over the current one,” writes therapist Randi Gunther, author of Relationship Saboteurs: Overcoming the Ten Behaviors that Undermine Love. “A couple who could once speak openly and authentically to each other suddenly cannot speak their truth or listen openly anymore because of a threat neither anticipated. Negative issues that were once only a small fraction of the relationship slowly overwhelm what positive experiences once counteracted them. Betrayals happen. Promises don’t pan out. And dreams change.”


It’s normal and even healthy to feel jealousy when your husband sees his ex affair partner every day because they work together. But, it’s crucial to deal with your jealous feelings in healthy ways or your jealousy will sabotage your marriage.

The first thing you need to do is face the root of your jealous feelings. For example, I wasn’t just jealous when my husband met his ex-girlfriend for lunch; I felt insecure and scared he still wanted to be with her. I was worried he wasn’t over her, that he and she would fall into their old relationship or even feel sexual attraction again. I felt threatened. These feelings are especially normal and understandable when your husband still works with the woman he had an affair with.

How to Cope When Your Husband Still Works With His Ex Affair Partner

Here’s what a reader said about dealing with the jealous feelings she experiences when her husband sees his ex affair partner at work every day:

“My husband assures me he loves me and only wants to be with me,” says a reader in response to Why Your Husband Cheated: A Marriage Style That “Allows” Affairs. “His relationship with the other woman is over and they will never be romantic again. But why doesn’t he quit that job and work somewhere else? He says it’d be too hard to find a new job and that he rarely sees his ex affair partner. What if she still wants to be with him? It is starting to really make me crazy!”

My jealousy of my husband’s ex-girlfriend isn’t the same thing, but I know what it’s like to let your imagination run wild. I really was scared my husband might leave me for his ex. I also refused to admit I felt jealous and insecure; I blamed everything on my husband seeing his ex. If you feel something similar, my tips on how to deal with jealousy may help you cope.

1. Understand why your husband is still working with the other woman

How to Cope When Your Husband Still Works His Ex Affair Partner
When Your Husband Still Works With the Other Woman

The truth is that your husband may genuinely worry about finding a job at a different place. Plus, there’s the complication of explaining to a new company or organization why he’s looking for work (your husband won’t want to say his wife doesn’t want him to work with his ex affair partner anymore!). Your husband may honestly feel that since the affair is over and he is no longer attracted to the other woman, there is no reason to quit his job.

Listen to your husband’s reasons for continuing to work with the other woman. Put yourself in his shoes, and trust your own intuition. I don’t know if your husband has good or valid reasons for working with his ex affair partner, but I understand why you feel insecure and jealous! If you want to save your marriage, you need to come to terms with your husband’s decision to keep working with the other woman.

2. Pay attention to your intuition when your husband talks about his ex affair partner

There’s a big difference between your husband going to occasional work meetings with the other woman versus talking to her on the phone every day. A wife once told me that her husband’s ex affair partner accompanied him on business trips three or four times a year. They wouldn’t stay in the same hotel room, but they spent a great deal of time alone together. This is not okay — but this wife refused to listen to her intuition. Her husband almost ended up cheating with the other woman again, but he stopped before anything happened.

She and her husband agreed that he should quit his job because he worked too closely with this ex affair partner. She ignored her intuition and pretended everything was find. It ended up okay because her husband really did want to save their marriage, but she said she’d never ignore her instincts again.

If your intuition is whispering (or screaming!) at you about your husband working with his ex affair partner, read Is Your Marriage Over? 6 Signs You Shouldn’t Ignore. Maybe you’re not “just” being jealous. Maybe you know something he hasn’t admitted yet.

3. Don’t let anyone call you crazy

Some wives feel crazy often because their husbands tell them they’re overreacting. “You’re jealous because I work with the woman I had an affair with three years ago?” a husband might ask. “It’s over. Nothing is going on. I love you, and you know it. You’re my wife and you have nothing to be jealous of. Don’t be unreasonable.”

If you’re confused about how you should feel about your husband working with his ex affair partner, talk about your thoughts and feelings with someone you trust. Talk to someone who knows you, who can help you sort through your jealous or insecure feelings. If your jealousy is out of control and you really do feel like you’re going crazy because your husband still works with the woman he had an affair with, consider talking to a marriage therapist who specializes in cheating husbands. He or she can give you an objective perspective on both your feelings and your marriage.


4. Tell your husband that you’re jealous because of his work situation

Talking to your husband about the fact that he still works with his ex affair partner might reassure you. Tell him the truth: his job makes you jealous, uncomfortable, or anxious. Be as honest as you can. If you tell your husband how you feel — no matter how painful it is or vulnerable you feel — then you’re being your true self with him.

However, don’t assume or expect your husband to quit his job because you’re uncomfortable that he works with the woman he had an affair with. You may already know this: your husband may be unwilling or unable to change his work situation because of your feelings.

Most loving husbands will change their behavior to make their wives happy — especially after something as painful as an affair. However, it’s not always possible to make changes, especially if a new job really is difficult to find. This means you need to decide if this is a “make or break” situation. Will this be the thing that ends your marriage? Before you answer that, read Is the Affair Really Over? 5 Signs He’ll Cheat on You Again.

5. Get emotionally and spiritually healthy

The best way to deal with jealousy and insecurity when your husband works with the woman he had an affair with is to rebuild your self-worth and value. Look outside your marriage for a sense of identity and purpose in your life. Are you spiritually grounded in God, emotionally healthy, socially happy? Can you recognize and stop unhealthy thought patterns? Is your jealousy caused by your own low self-esteem, or is your husband’s job a true cause for concern? Getting emotionally and spiritually healthy will help you answer those questions.

Don’t let your insecurity or unhappiness ruin a marriage that can be saved. Find ways to permanently resolve the pain of knowing your husband is working with his ex affair partner every day. This will take time and effort; rebuilding your marriage after your husband cheated isn’t easy. But it can be done — and you and your husband can enjoy a healthier, happier, stronger marriage if you and he can work through this together.

Your comments – big and little – are welcome below. How are you dealing with the pain of knowing your husband still works with the woman he had an affair with? You may find it helpful to share your story; writing is a great way to work through painful emotions and untangle confusing thoughts.


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21 thoughts on “When Your Husband Still Works With His Ex Affair Partner”

  1. Hi Felk and LL,
    Nice to hear from you both. I am doing well thank you (I have my good and bad days), I have bought a small house 🙂 I am very excited that my kids will soon have a backyard to play in. I am going back to work full time next month and I am looking forward to it. My little started childcare last week and it was tough seeing her cry and hang on to me 🙁 it still is, massive Mum guilt creeps in but I am sure she needs time to adjust to it. It’s been 7 months since I have seen Mm. We speak every now and then, we were close to meeting recently (I still get sucked in sometimes hearing all the right things) but at the end moment I called it off and he was very annoyed. I am trying my best to stay away from him. I have a male friend who has helped me fair bit in past and I can feel something happening there but I am taking my time as I am still healing from the affair.
    Felk glad to know things are so much better for you and Mm, your relationship really stood the test of time.
    LL Felk has given you some great advice, I hope Mm fills your heart with happiness.
    I have missed you guys, glad to know everyone is doing well.
    Hope Xxx

  2. LL, I understand the approach of not worrying yourself in the moment and just waiting and seeing how things go. It’s also good that you’re busy with work and school and your kids. Those can be good distractions to prevent you from dwelling on things with your MM. And I don’t know a lot about the ACE measure, but 9/10 does seem a high score so I can see why you’re fascinated by it right now. APA style is such nonsense – italicize this but not that, indent this but not that, capitalize these letters but not these. 🙂 Hope you’re enjoying learning about ACEs, though.

    My MM and I had a little time together Friday. We got to just hold hands and talk and laugh a little before we headed to our separate corners for the weekend. He was lovely and I didn’t want to bring up anything big because we didn’t have a lot of time, but I still want to talk to him about some of the things he said on Tuesday before sex. The things he was saying about having some humility about realizing maybe he’s not as in control is these situations (drinking alone) with other women and how he’s realizing those situations aren’t worth risking us. I’m just not sure I believe he can do that. Is he really going to never go for a drink with this female coworker again? I hope so, but I also don’t want her to become some forbidden fruit or I don’t want him to deny himself fun to the point where he’s desperate for it. I like the things he said about realizing that these situations also weren’t fair to these women who are probably more interested in him than he admits to himself (to convince himself it’s no big deal to have a drink). That’s always on my mind when a male coworker asks for a drink. I can do it once in a while, but I try not to repeat it often if I get a vibe they’re interested. Just not cool to lead them on, even if it’s fun for me to get the male attention. And that’s what I think my MM is saying, but can he really back that up? I think he likes women’s attention a lot. I always knew that, but it didn’t become clear to me how much he did until I started noticing the stuff with the female coworker this year and when he revealed everything about the woman two years ago and a few other stories he told me about women he’d have a drink with (as I was asking him all the questions after he revealed the cheating). Has all of that stopped? Is he saying all of that will stop? I don’t know if all of it even needs to stop, but I like how he’s seeming aware of how situations with hetero men and women can get flirty fast if you’re putting yourself alone with them repeatedly. That’s the planned conversation stuff for this week. He knows I want to talk about it more. 🙂

    I get why you were uncomfortable that your MM told his W that he loaned you the laptop. I’d be uncomfortable if my MM were talking a lot to his W about me and I know he’d feel the same if I were talking about him to my H. Of course, because we work together, he comes up in conversation with my H, but the more your MM brings you up (and the more nice things he does for you), the more his W will get suspicious. It sounds like your MM’s W likes you, but I bet she’s also a little suspicious. She’s no fool. I honestly have no idea the level of my H’s suspicion. Given how little we have sex, I’ve always figured he must be a little suspicious (not necessarily of my MM but simply of me cheating), but he doesn’t act like it at all. He’s probably in a bit of denial for the sake of maintaining his happiness in our marriage. Might be the same with your MM’s W.

    Hope you got all your schoolwork done!

  3. Hope, great to hear from you again. How are you doing? Last I remember, you were doing pretty well cutting your MM out of your life, and you were getting back to more hours on your job (and seemed to feel you were slowly moving on and getting some control again). Hope you’re still on that path.

  4. Felk,

    Thank you for your encouraging words. I feel much better. I haven’t spoken to him just yet but I’ve chosen not to worry myself about that right at this moment. I have so much school work to complete that I cannot focus on my discontent with him. I am still planning to speak to him about things especially considering we are going to be entering year three. I want us to be on the same accord and even if we can’t, I don’t think it’s a bad idea to talk about what this all means at this point. I really really really need your help with APA I have to turn in 5 annotated bibliographies asap. The topic I chose is ACE’s because I am obsessed with that topic, probably because my ACE’s score is 9/10 ridiculously high. Anyway, I’ve been struggling to put the sources in APA style. I think I can handle the summary piece it’s just being sure the authors are in alphabetical order. The struggle is real right now.

    I noticed you said you and MM had sex! I knew it was coming and I think its normal for you to feel a bit vulnerable after. It’s not like it completely took away what happened. Therefore, it’s normal to have those feelings. He is continuing to move in a way that brings comfort to your relationship and thats all you should focus on (in my opinion). We know things don’t stay the same forever, whether it’s a friendship or relationship but it’s nice to deal with things as they come and not think about the things that can happen or may happen so stay positive but realistic of course and continue that open dialogue with him about how you’re feeling. I haven’t figured out how I’m going to start the conversation with my MM. He told me he told her about him allowing me to use the laptop from his job. I asked him why…he said because he took it in the house and she noticed it was no longer in the house so she asked about it and he told her he gave it to me to use for school. I don’t like for him to speak about me to her at all but I know they have conversations about me. He has told me his son talks about me and always refer to me as his other mother. He says it to her as well. I know that to be true because his son tells me the same thing and he loves to come over my house. My son friends enjoy talking to me and hanging out at my house even when there is nothing going on. There is a level of comfort I give to everyone I meet. My daughter friends as well, they’re always telling her make sure you tell your mom how wonderful of a mom she is. It’s nice to hear things like that.

    Chat with you soon! Have to go back to school work!!

  5. Hope,
    Hi how are you ? How are things going…
    Thanks for checking in here. It’s so nice to hear from you. Thanks for your care and concern about what I wrote. I’m not feeling so down about it now. I haven’t had a talk with him yet but I will when the time presents itself.

    Hope you’re doing good!

  6. Hi guys I am glad to find this page again. Felk so good to know you and Mm are doing well, it has made you guys stronger, very happy for you. Lifelessons sorry you are feeling that way, I can very well relate to that sting/pain of knowing about MM’s outings with his wife, it hurts and I am sorry you are going through that. I will write more soon.

    Hope Xxx

  7. TTSP, good to hear from you. Thankfully the comment box moved to the top again (it was stuck at the very bottom for a while). Yeah, things are about as good as I could have expected with my MM considering everything that happened. He’s worked hard to show me he wants this relationship, and he continues to work hard to get me to stay. I feel a lot better about it all, and I think I can trust him again and be happy in our relationship. I’m taking it slowly, though. I also have been wondering if we needed something like this to get my head out of my a** a bit with him. Don’t mistake me… I’m not trying to put a positive spin on his cheating. Just that the summer was good for us and had been getting better slowly but there were still issues I wasn’t bringing up (like my discomfort with his drinking alone with that coworker), and now I’m bringing it all up. I have so much more comfort in saying the things I want to say and I’ve felt so much less fear over these months. I’ve had a lot of “If he can’t handle what I’m saying,” then I don’t want to be with him. I feel a calm now that I haven’t felt in a very long time with him. So, I’m not saying I needed him to cheat to get me to this point, but maybe I just needed something to shake me out of the pattern we were in where I let him get away with a lot more privacy and non-communication than I should have. And where I was still letting fear (of him leaving, of being a burden, of bringing up the same ol’ things) control my behavior a little too much with him.

    Wow, so you and your MM have gone NC. I know you had tried several times to pull back from him and go platonic, but I also know you said that it wasn’t working that well. That he kept trying to pull you back into the relationship. I also think I’m remembering that you two had a pretty big blow up a few months back, with you both saying some hurtful things. I’m sorry it had to come to NC. I know that must be hard. How are you feeling about it all? How long have you been NC? Of course, feel free to lean on us all you need.

    Good to hear you’re still planning to look for another job. That’s pretty essential if you’re really going to do NC and going to try to meet someone new. I like what you wrote to LL about whether or not she was looking for someone new. I’m sure there are some people who really can be content in a relationship like the one you describe with your friend. I really do think some people are fine not taking the step towards marriage, but I also think you’re right that we can lie to ourselves about being content or we can try to talk ourselves into being content when we’re really not. I’m sure some of us try to tell ourselves we’re content in the affair when I think it would be really hard to ever be content in an affair. We probably mean we’re happy with some aspects of it and maybe we don’t expect much more with this person, but It’s been a long time since I’ve been “content” in my affair. I know I wished for “content” for a long time and it never happened. It just all got more intense and harder over time.

    I like what you wrote in the end about helping others. Feels the same for me. I think I like talking about relationships simply because relationships are fascinating, but talking through other people’s relationships helps me understand my own better, too.

  8. LL, My MM is certainly putting in effort to try and fix this. I’m hesitant to go so far as to say he learned from it, but he’s saying the right things and acting like he has. This week, he was saying all sorts of things about recognizing that putting himself in these situations (having a drink alone with a coworker) isn’t worth the risk of our relationship, even if he thinks the situations are platonic and he can handle it (without anything going further). He said that he was probably too arrogant before in thinking that it’s no big deal going for a drink with someone, but now he recognizes how it can lead that person on and how it can risk us. Bottom line is that he’s saying that he probably shouldn’t be doing those things and that a drink out with another woman isn’t worth risking our relationship. We’ll see if he actually changes his behavior, though. I know it’s good he’s saying it and it’s a step in the right direction, but I’m going to need way more time and evidence before I believe he really believes the things he says. And if I’m honest, I’m not sure I could ever believe he won’t feel the temptation and act on it again. I guess I just think the odds are low enough to want to continue this with him. But to believe 100% he won’t do it again? We’ll see.

    Also, we had sex this week. I felt ready for it. Felt that I had taken my time to talk to him about the things I wanted across these months. He’s continued to show effort and reassurance about wanting me to stay and wanting our relationship. I felt the physical intimacy was part of moving forward, even if I don’t 100% feel the trust. Everything was good in our time together, but I was surprised at how vulnerable I felt after sex. I think it was the sex after the two months of none and then the vulnerability of all the trust things hitting me. Like, it’s a leap of faith or there’s a bit of a disconnect between the trust I want to feel during sex and the trust I currently feel. I know it will take time to get those things in line.

    As for your MM, I know you would have remembered if your MM told you that he and his W were going out of town. We do not forget those things. If your MM told you something, it was something so vague that it didn’t register with you and he thought he could get away with “letting you know” that way. Most likely, he thought he told you, but he didn’t. I know it doesn’t feel good when they go out of town with their W. I’ve always thought we were similar in not having a lot of jealousy about our MM’s W, but the going out of town stuff is a little harder. It just seems more intimate… even though I can tell you that I feel no different on vacation with my H than at home. My guess is it’s the same for your MM. My MM has never seemed closer to his W after vacation, and, if anything, he misses me more.

    I completely agree about the “you knew” card. The “you knew” card doesn’t negate all the current feelings. Just because “you knew” he was married, doesn’t mean he still doesn’t have to treat you well. Of course you know that sometimes he’ll have to go on vacation with his W. That doesn’t mean that you won’t feel weird about it. It’s normal for him to go on vacation, and it’s normal for you to feel things. So, if “you knew” he was married, then “he knew” you were a person with normal feelings who needs reassurance sometimes in a relationship! I also don’t know if what you’re noticing with him is that things are better with his W now. It’s possible, but I doubt it’s any sort of long-term change. That doesn’t really happen this far along in marriage. As usual, if it’s bothering you that much, you should say something. Your MM seems pretty good about conversations and understanding you need to talk it out sometimes. It seems he respects this about you. At least that’s how I’ve seen it.

    Meditation definitely can help lower stress. I did some meditation in the months after our break-up in 2017. And if you ever need help with APA style, just let me know! I teach it all of the time. 🙂

  9. Hey….

    My message was posted 2x. I checked for it before I sent it again but I didn’t see it

    TTSP
    It’s so nice to hear from you. Thank you for your encouraging words. I’m doing so much but its going to pay off. All of my classes are online but if I met someone YES…I would go out with them. I haven’t been opposed to dating someone else. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to. The majority of my time is spent parenting or advising other people. When I have time to go out with friends (which I make time for) we go to the same place because its inexpensive and we just want to chat with each other. I wish I could date several men because I would lol. I just like to hang out and I love male company in general. They’re really interesting to me, the way they think and how they perceive life and relationships is really interesting. So again, yes I would go out with other guys.

    How have you been ? What have you been up to besides working ?

  10. Felk,

    I’m sure your MM knows he doesn’t want to give you any ideas about the friendly coworker. I think he may have actually learned something from all of this. Its hard to repair relationships nevertheless an affair there are so many reasons not to trust in these situations. When you mess up the trust you have to put time, effort and energy into it to fix it and that can be very complicated. He has managed to pull it off and I don’t think many others are able to do that.

    I’m excited about all the new things happening in my life but it’s a lot of work. The writing class is really kicking me in the butt, I haven’t written a paper in years or done anything APA styled. However, I will manage! All of my courses are online but many of the students seem to live within the same state as me so…who knows what type of connections can take place. You’re right we both love talking about relationships and people…

    Yesterday his W picked up his son from my house and their son called me to ask for cables or something…they were stuck at the store and he said she started walking home and I know that’s a long walk so i asked if she needed a ride
    She told me she was almost home so it was ok. Well he called me about and hour later and said, do you want to hear something funny. I said what, he said she is pissed with me. I said oh yeah. He said, she called me 19 times and I didn’t answer because I was clothes, getting things together for the week. He said I didnt have the phone on me so I had no idea she called. I said oh yea, well I can’t talk too much I have the kids here with me. We got off the phone.

    This morning I asked him to call me. He did, I said I wanted to let you know I knew what happened because your son called. He said she was crying because he didnt answer the phone and she had to walk. I said well that was her choice to walk but I understand being frustrated by the situation in general. He said there are so many times she’s home and don’t have her phone on her. I said well I’m sure it’s nothing to be upset about for a long period of time. I asked him where he was and he said he was getting his car serviced. I said ok, are you off ? He said, yes she is too. We are going out of town for the day to see a show. I said, o ok. He said I told you about it. I said no you didnt. He said yes I did. I said no you didnt tell me. He said yes I did. I said well it’s ok but why do you always get so loud and argumentative when I tell you you didnt tell me something. He said because you cant never say, oo ok you did tell me that and you’re always trying to say I didn’t tell you something. I said well I don’t think that’s true but I would’ve remembered you telling me you were going to a show. He said I told you she didnt want to leave our son home but I told her he’s 16 and he would be fine for a day, you don’t remember me telling you that ? I said no I don’t recall that but it’s all good and there is no need to get so upset about it. His tone was very aggressive and my tone was very subtle. I didn’t want to argue although my feelings were hurt about them going somewhere and I haven’t had time with him.

    I got off the phone with him, feeling very foolish as I sometimes do and normally get over it pretty quickly. I know he’s allowed to take trips with his W. He’s allowed to do any and everything with his W but again my negativity system is on high alert and I miss him. I know some of what I feel is made up but I think there may be some validity in what’s been going on. I think things are good and when things are good, I get the super crappy end of the stick…i always get the short end of the stick but it’s super icky when they’re good with each other. I decided that I would talk to him about how I’m feeling. I am going to let him know I don’t want it to be an argument but I want him to hear me out. I think he likes to pull the “you knew” card but you know what I knew, I knew from the beginning that things were bad, I knew all of the yucky things and didn’t realize there would be times where everything “seemed” perfect. I’ve never been married and although I have been in relationships where there were ups/downs but this is my first rodeo with a situation like this and when you’ve been in an affair with the same partner you may get used to them and their ways but it doesn’t mean you aren’t bothered by certain things, it doesn’t mean you don’t need reassurance sometimes especially when things seem as if they’re going well at home. I think expectations change over time because feelings change and that is something that warrants a conversation. I don’t know how the conversation will go but I don’t like holding in what I’m feeling when I feel its relevant and warranted.

    Also…I’ve been doing meditations in the morning before I leave for work. I’m hopeful I will consistent with it. It can be a tool to help relieve stree, focus, and nourish positive thoughts.

  11. Hello,
    I finally found the comments section. I checked this page several times over the last few weeks and couldn’t locate any comments box visible. I thought I was out of luck so I’m pleased I checked again. Life Lessons, great news on all of the activities you have in motion. Your decisions are auspicious and you’re bound to be successful as a mom, friend, family member and significant other.

    I know you have kids, school, career and volunteering to manage which is huge. I’m curious if you met an interesting available guy would you go on a date and give him a chance? I found dating made me feel less tethered to one unavailable man and gave me hope of finding connections with other men that could give me more. You also gain some power whether perceived or real. Something to consider…. 🙂

    If you don’t want anything more then my statement is irrelevant. Sometimes I find that people including me fall into a state of cognitive dissonance by telling themselves they’re content with something when their heart may feel differently. One of my friends has been dating a guy for close to 2 years and she alleges she’s ok with not getting married or taking the next step. My gut tells me she isn’t but who am I to purport that anyone has conflicting beliefs with reality. I’m merely putting it out there because it has prevented me from taking actions that would actually benefit me in the long run.

    Felk, from what I’ve read things are going as well for you and your relationship. You appear to be comfortable and at peace with both worlds. I’m sure it helps to write here. It certainly has saved me emotionally. I couldn’t have maintained my sanity without this website. For me on the mm front we’ve decided to go no contact. I’ll write here and lean on folks when I miss talking to him. I haven’t quit my job yet but I have the resources ready to go when the timing is right. My parents convinced me to try to hold on until December to save more but either way I’ve got the means to go at any time. I’m happy and melancholy to start a new chapter without him in my life in any capacity.

    I’m eager to hear how you both continue forward and to provide responses where requested. Helping others helps me.

  12. Felk,

    I’m sure your MM knows he doesn’t want to give you any ideas about the friendly coworker. I think he may have actually learned something from all of this. Its hard to repair relationships nevertheless an affair there are so many reasons not to trust in these situations. When you mess up the trust you have to put time, effort and energy into it to fix it and that can be very complicated. He has managed to pull it off and I don’t think many others are able to do that.

    I’m excited about all the new things happening in my life but it’s a lot of work. The writing class is really kicking me in the butt, I haven’t written a paper in years or done anything APA styled. However, I will manage! All of my courses are online but many of the students seem to live within the same state as me so…who knows what type of connections can take place. You’re right we both love talking about relationships and people…

    Yesterday his W picked up his son from my house and their son called me to ask for cables or something…they were stuck at the store and he said she started walking home and I know that’s a long walk so i asked if she needed a ride
    She told me she was almost home so it was ok. Well he called me about and hour later and said, do you want to hear something funny. I said what, he said she is pissed with me. I said oh yeah. He said, she called me 19 times and I didn’t answer because I was clothes, getting things together for the week. He said I didnt have the phone on me so I had no idea she called. I said oh yea, well I can’t talk too much I have the kids here with me. We got off the phone.

    This morning I asked him to call me. He did, I said I wanted to let you know I knew what happened because your son called. He said she was crying because he didnt answer the phone and she had to walk. I said well that was her choice to walk but I understand being frustrated by the situation in general. He said there are so many times she’s home and don’t have her phone on her. I said well I’m sure it’s nothing to be upset about for a long period of time. I asked him where he was and he said he was getting his car serviced. I said ok, are you off ? He said, yes she is too. We are going out of town for the day to see a show. I said, o ok. He said I told you about it. I said no you didnt. He said yes I did. I said no you didnt tell me. He said yes I did. I said well it’s ok but why do you always get so loud and argumentative when I tell you you didnt tell me something. He said because you cant never say, oo ok you did tell me that and you’re always trying to say I didn’t tell you something. I said well I don’t think that’s true but I would’ve remembered you telling me you were going to a show. He said I told you she didnt want to leave our son home but I told her he’s 16 and he would be fine for a day, you don’t remember me telling you that ? I said no I don’t recall that but it’s all good and there is no need to get so upset about it. His tone was very aggressive and my tone was very subtle. I didn’t want to argue although my feelings were hurt about them going somewhere and I haven’t had time with him.

    I got off the phone with him, feeling very foolish as I sometimes do and normally get over it pretty quickly. I know he’s allowed to take trips with his W. He’s allowed to do any and everything with his W but again my negativity system is on high alert and I miss him. I know some of what I feel is made up but I think there may be some validity in what’s been going on. I think things are good and when things are good, I get the super crappy end of the stick…i always get the short end of the stick but it’s super icky when they’re good with each other. I decided that I would talk to him about how I’m feeling. I am going to let him know I don’t want it to be an argument but I want him to hear me out. I think he likes to pull the “you knew” card but you know what I knew, I knew from the beginning that things were bad, I knew all of the yucky things and didn’t realize there would be times where everything “seemed” perfect. I’ve never been married and although I have been in relationships where there were ups/downs but this is my first rodeo with a situation like this and when you’ve been in an affair with the same partner you may get used to them and their ways but it doesn’t mean you aren’t bothered by certain things, it doesn’t mean you don’t need reassurance sometimes especially when things seem as if they’re going well at home. I think expectations change over time because feelings change and that is something that warrants a conversation. I don’t know how the conversation will go but I don’t like holding in what I’m feeling when I feel its relevant and warranted.

    Also…I’ve been doing meditations in the morning before I leave for work. I’m hopeful I will consistent with it. It can be a tool to help relieve stree, focus, and nourish positive thoughts.

    Chat soon!

  13. LL, yeah, things feel like they’re getting closer to “normal” with my MM. He’s still being good with reassurance and showing affection. He’s not over-the-top with it, but he’s just doing more and it’s what I need. Last week, he said “I love you” again and it felt really good given how little he says it. I know not to get too used to it, but he’s working hard to show me he wants me to stay. We also had our first “test” of me seeing him out with the coworker who seems interested in him. She had texted him weeks ago asking him for a drink. He suggested getting a group together (I liked that he didn’t go out with her alone). We all went out last week, and he didn’t seem into her at all. He paid so much attention to me. And this coworker got a new boyfriend over the summer so she might not be that into my guy anymore either. Either way, he showed me he was into me and that was important.

    First, for your three new things with the bachelor’s in psych, second job, and volunteering to be a mentor, wow. This is all so great, especially the part about you finishing your degree and planning to get your MSW. My degrees are in Psych so big surprise you and I like to talk about relationships and people so much! I have so many students who go back to school after other jobs, having kids, etc., and I have a lot of respect for you figuring out what you want and going for it. Also sounds like all of this will help you in that mentoring program at your kid’s school. I also can’t help but think with all these new opportunities in your life that it might mean new opportunities to meet someone new (who can be more than an affair partner). But I’m getting ahead of myself! 🙂

    Second, your MM. I appreciate when you give all the details in your stories. It helps me be more objective and give an outside perspective on what you’re dealing with. We can definitely get in our heads when we’re in the middle of it. And most of us go to the “negative” interpretation as a default. It’s great that you’re trying to do better with this. I’ve always noticed you trying to look at the whole situation and give your MM the benefit of the doubt. Of course, sometimes we can be naive and too generous, but generally, since negative is our default, I think it’s good to pause and think about other explanations that are not as negative. Often, we find out it’s not what we thought it was.

    With you looking for your MM to help you a bit with the laptop, I understand both of your perspectives. I get why you might want your boyfriend to help you financially at times, but I also understand how he doesn’t have a lot of $ available and how he expects reciprocation. We’ve talked about this before on here, but I do think it’s fair for both people in the relationship to contribute $ equally. I think you both have a lot of expenses given that you have kids so I understand why it’s hard for both of you to do. It sounds like he’d help you with $ if he could. And when he couldn’t give you $, he wanted to get you that laptop of his quickly and I think that was thoughtful and kind. I also get why you were a little annoyed with his use of “we.” I read his message the way you did. I thought he meant him and his W, too (but he meant the two of you).
    Honest misunderstanding. It’s also pretty great that you recognized you were testing him with asking him for $, knowing he probably wouldn’t be able to give you that $. That’s big of you to apologize, and I see he appreciates that.

    I also get why his comments from a few weeks ago about resetting with his family are lingering. And when those thoughts linger you can look to other “signs” that maybe he’s less interested in you. And that’s probably why you tested him asking for the $. One of the hardest things with an affair is how we have to try to figure out another’s thoughts/feelings/intentions even though we have so little contact and communication with them. Affairs rely on a lot of trust to be successful. My guess is that you’re still stinging a little from his comments a few weeks ago and you’re reading some negative into some neutral things lately. But… I also always think you should pay attention to your feelings and if something really feels off, you should say something. Because even if nothing’s “off” with your MM, what’s “off” is that you’re not feeling right about the relationship and you two need to talk about it.

    For me, over the summer it was that my MM didn’t schedule any time at night for us. Not one night date over the summer. In past summers, we’d have at least one, if not two or three. But this past summer, nothing. I couldn’t figure out why, especially after I asked him to plan one (even though he said he wasn’t sure he could make it work and I told him there was no pressure). I really meant that there was no pressure, and I never brought it up again. In May, told him I’d leave it to him to plan and if he couldn’t, fine. But when he didn’t, it surprised me (in a bad way). But every other sign was showing he was still interested in me and us (and more than he had been in two years) so I’ve been trying to figure out what the deal was with him and nights (and trying not to take it personally). In September, we had two night dates. Last week, I told him I had some nights to myself coming up (with my H out of town), and he said that nights were harder for him now (with his W’s new job) and how he doesn’t like to schedule nights as much anymore because, if he is not around, that leaves the work (picking up kids) to his W and he doesn’t like to do that too often. That was such a fair explanation. I know he’s cheating on his W, but he still is trying to be a good partner and good father. I think your MM does the same, and it kind of explains why we like these men for this many years. They try to be decent partners (even, though, yes, they are cheating). So, my point is, what can feel bad and feel personal often isn’t. I just have to work extra hard not to take things personally in my affair!

  14. Hi Felk,

    I’m sure it feels nice to spend so much time with your MM and being able to really enjoy those moments together without sex. It sounds like things are getting back to “normal”. Of course there will always be the typical affair issues that will arise every now and again.

    I wanted to share a few things with you…

    1. I am going back to school to get a bachelor’s degree in Pyschology. All of my classes will be online. I started on Monday Sept 30th. I am taking two classes one is required by the school and the other is advanced research writing 🙄😣 I have an associates degree so, next semester I will start taking classes for my major.This is exciting and stressful at the same time. I would like to obtain a MSW and become a licensed clinical therapist. The amount of time that could take scares me…so, I will take this one step at a time. I don’t want to self sabotage and when I get too anxious about things that happens…

    2. I am also starting a second job, it’s part-time as an assistant for a Management Company. Assisting with sending emails, making calls and helping with Quick Books. I will be working from home for about 10-20 hours per month. I wanted to learn how to run a management company because I am interested in started one and I need the extra money😊 so it’s a win win.

    3. I volunteered to be a mentor and become a parent representative for the business program at my child’s school that he’s apart. There are no parents participating on the board, they meet once a month for an hour so I can manage that. There are three male teachers running the business program so they asked for mentors for the young ladies in the program to talk to them about how to dress professional and things of that sort, that they as men don’t feel the most comfortable speaking on. There were not many parents there and no one else decided to help so…I figured I could help out as often as I can.

    ****I am going to be super busy****

    4. I have come to realize, I have negative thinking and that creates issues that are not there or true.
    So…as I stated, I am taking online classes but the week before school started or maybe 2 weeks prior to my computer broke! I figured I would try to get me a chromebook since they were really cheap and I needed something ASAP. So, I spoke to my MM because he knows more about that stuff than I do. I told him I was going to stop by the electronic store and I need a laptop that can move quickly, have multiple tabs open and I need Quick Books for my second job. He told me to ask about the processor, the memory and storage. He said tell them to show you the best, middle, and the lowest that can do what you need. I went in and they helped me understand why I couldn’t get a chromebook and it’s not compatible with Quick Books so that wasn’t going to work. The one I needed, cost more than I could afford so I didnt get anything. Fast forward, the week of school is here and I sent him a message on Monday
    I said….
    Hey good morning..hope you had a really good weekend and a great start to the week…although it was kind of dreary this morning.

    He said…
    Idk, babe..had to be here at 645a, to press the power button for customer..sooo, u know I’m not feeling that!

    I said…
    Wow, yea that was early! Hopefully you can leave early.

    He said….
    Yea, I am outta here at lunch time!..I was really tryna c u this weekend

    I said….
    …you were ?! It was all good though! Do you have something to contribute to my laptop though…that would be awesome?

    He said…
    I didn’t get that already??
    U*

    I said….
    Nope…I didn’t have it so I couldn’t get it. They showed me what would work for me.
    So…🤔is it a Y or a N

    He said…
    When r u getting it?

    I said…
    I NEED it A.S.A.P my class starts today and my computer is broken! I’m not getting it until I have the money not sure when that will be. The Chromebook is cheaper but it won’t work for what I need. If you cannot contribute…let me know, I won’t ask u again.

    He said….
    I have a laptop you can use until u get urs. Why can’t u use a chromebook?
    We*

    I said…..
    So it’s a no…got it! I genuinely appreciate your offer to use yall laptop but either way I have to buy one and if I had the means to get it myself I wouldn’t have asked you.”
    I need to use Quick Books and it’s not compatible nor is there a different version to use…

    He said…….
    I can’t right now…I will call u in a minute

    I said…….
    O ok, I understand. Just figured I would ask! I’m use to doing things on my own so I will figure it out. Thanks again for offering yall laptop!

    He said…….
    Who is y’all??

    He called me shortly after he sent that message and his tone was aggressive. He said who is yall. I said, you wrote it in the message you put We* he said what I was telling you is I have a laptop you can use until WE figure out how to get you one of your own. That’s what I said. I said, oh I didnt know. I will take that one. He said you know I cant just buy you a laptop, I said I asked for a contribution not for you to purchase it. He said what is it like $600-800 I said yes something like that. He said, I cannot come up with that right away. I said ok, I honestly didnt expect you to give me all of it. I just wanted to know if you would help me. We got off the phone, he didn’t call me back that day. However, Tuesday I sent him a message asking how he was feeling. He text back not good, he had a lot going on. I said, ok do you want to talk about it ? If so, I will listen. He said no, i will be ok. I said ok. Later that day around 4p I text and asked if he remembered to bring the laptop home. He didn’t reply. I went to pick up his son to take him and my son to practice and I noticed his car was home. I waited until I dropped the boys off and around 7p I text him asking him to call me. He called right away, I said did you get my message, he said yes I said do you have it. I heard him say in a rushed voiced, let me call right back..I said ok

    I figured she was home or walked in or something. I went out to meet one of my good friends. He called while I was out and I told him I was out. He said, he left out early to get our boys so that he could come by to bring me the laptop. He said, well I will give it to you tomorrow. We hung up. He gave it to me the next day. He called me early Thursday morning to make sure it was working the way I needed it to. I asked him to call me around lunch time. When we spoke, I told him I wanted to apologize for the text messages. He said what…I said Tuesday I was being sarcastic and he said oh yea I know but i don’t take it person when you act like that so I didn’t pay you any attention. He said, I know you feel like I should do this…or I’m suppose to do this because of that…I said, well I wanted to apologize because it was unneccessary for me to act like that and I want to grow and be better at adulting. I said before I text you, (which i hate asking you or anyone for anything but I did it) my thoughts were he isn’t going to come through for me because I have asked him before and he hasn’t done it so he’s not going to do it now. Therefore, it didnt matter what you said, it would fit my narrative because that’s the energy I put out there. I said, I tested you and forced you to fail and I apologize for that. He said, you know this is why I rock with you the way that I do. He said but babe, let me tell you..I cannot give you large sums of money like that, I make decent money but I also have decent bills. There are a lot of things I would like to do but I can’t because I don’t have it. He said, I don’t want you to think you can’t ask me but I want you to understand that it’s reciprocal. I said, what. He said, for example (and this is just and example, do not be offended or get in your feelings) you know the female I was dealing with before, well she would ask me for things just as you did and I could go to her as well. So if she said hey can I get $300 If i had it, I could give it to her and if I didnt I couldn’t but I could also ask her. I said well she was married and both of yall had 2 incomes in your household. He said that doesn’t matter, its reciprocal. I said well I’m a single parent who has to take care of everything by myself so my circumstance is difference. He said but you knew the situation from the beginning because I didn’t lie. I said you’re right and I honestly didnt think this long, it wasn’t my intentions to be with you for this long. Therefore, my expectations and feelings have changed over time. He said neither did I, i didnt know we would deal with each other for years and things have changed for me as well.

    He said but let me ask you, if I come to you and say babe, can you give me $50 until Friday what will you say ? I said, l would give it to you if I had it and if I didn’t I wouldn’t. I can’t give you what I don’t have. He said..my point exactly! I said, I genuinely love and care about you so if I could help you out or support you in some way I would. He said, well if you love me why did you go leave the other night when I told you I was bringing you the laptop. I said, what ?! I didn’t hear you tell me that when we got off the phone. He said I did. I said, I really didn’t hear you say that to me because I wouldn’t have left. He said, well I told you I was going to bring it to you. I said if I’m honest with myself and you, if you asked me for money I would give it to you but in my head, I would say, I can’t believe he asked me for money. I know that may sound bad but I’m being honest. I said, I really try not to ask you or anyone for anything. He said well that wasn’t the point I was trying to make to you and thats not what I want you to take away from this conversation. He said what I want you to take away from this is….what’s good for the geese is good for the gander. That’s it. I said ok, and we ended up getting off the phone. I text him that night to tell him thanks again and the focus music he told me to listen to was working. He called me Friday early in the morning to tell me he knew it would help me stay focus because it helps him when he’s at work.

    I like to give the entire story to help with perspective. He hasn’t been to my house the last 2x my kids weren’t home. They’re only gone every other weekend. I’m sure as much as I try to be understanding about the situation, it still lingers in my mind in a negative way. Also, a few weeks ago he mentioned resetting and spending time with family, another thing I tried to view in a positive light but it holds negative weight or maybe it feeds my narrative of negativity so I can see the positives but hold on to the negative perspective. Anyway, I don’t think I had direct questions but I’m curious about what you think of all of this…

    Hope all is well…chat soon!

  15. LL, it does feel a little like my MM and I are falling in love all over again (actually, it felt like that over the summer when he was coming over to my house regularly again for the first time since Sept 2017). It especially feels like my MM is in love. It felt like that this summer. I know all of that is mixed up now with his guilt and trying to show me that he wants (only) me. I feel a mix now, too. I’m a little cautious to get too happy still. We had three nice days together this week (two initiated by him), but I’m still staying away from sex. I can tell it will happen soon, though. Things definitely are getting better slowly. But even with things getting better, we’ll still have all the problems of an affair. 🙂

    You know I understand how you feed yourself a narrative to keep yourself safe. It’s just smart in an affair. I think my MM would have been better off doing that the first few years of our affair instead of getting as swept up as he did. It led to a lot of tension for him, his marriage, and us. Now, he seems to do better being realistic about it all. So, I understand why you might try to tell yourself that he doesn’t love you (but he does).

    That’s rough not talking to your MM all last week, but pretty understandable if his friend just died. I know how hard it is to hear your MM say that he’s resetting and needed time with family. But I’m sure your MM means just that. I don’t think it means anything about your relationship.

    I’m glad you were able to be positive about it, though, and not think of the negative interpretation too much. I usually try to do the same. Try to think of the most realistic interpretation and go with that (and usually it’s the one that gives the person the benefit of the doubt). It can take a lot to send the supportive text message when you’re not feeling supported, but that’s sometimes necessary (and it’s mature). It also sounds like he really appreciated your support. 🙂 I hope he’s been more communicative this week.

    I think we all say “I love you” more in intimate times just because the feelings match the actions. I don’t think it’s heat of the moment only. I think it’s just easier at those times. My MM says “I love you” more during intimate times, whether it’s sex or just kissing. I mainly say it to my MM in intimate moments, too. I prefer it that way. I’m not really just a random “I love you” person during the day. My H is. Maybe just some individual differences here. Humans are interesting indeed.

  16. Felk,

    One day at a time is probably the best way for most of us in these types of situations. It really seems like you guys are falling in love all over again. I’m sure you will get physical with each other soon but it’s nice that you’re taking your time.

    As far as the love thing goes with my MM, I think he definitely has love for me. I often times think it’s easier to feed my own narrative of how he doesn’t love me and her because it keeps me safe…I know we have talked about this more times than none lol I just go back and forth in my head about how “loving me and her” works. When we are on good terms, he’s calling me everyday, it makes me feel like he is interested and when we see each other, most of the time I get the feeling he does love me. However, when certain things take place, I think to myself, ” you are foolish to think he really can love both you and her”. I know it’s crazy but my mind wanders like that…

    Last week I didn’t talk to him at all. I was not sure if he was feeling bad because he couldn’t make it to my house Saturday and figured I would be upset (normally that is my reaction). As the days went on I started to feel some type of way about not hearing from him but I didn’t want to be upset about it because I knew we didn’t have a reason to be in a bad place with each other. So, I talked myself off the ledge. I ended up texting him thursday saying, hey I’m sure you’re good and possibly busy so I’m just saying Hello! He didn’t reply to me. Friday, I sent him a bitmoji with a sad face looking down at the phone. He called right away. He said hey I got your message this morning around 6am so I didn’t want to call you that early because I figured you were asleep. I said oh ok, I was actually awake. I said, what happened all the other days of the week. He said, remember I told you last week that my good friend passed away ? I said yes. He said, “well his funeral service was yesterday and I’ve been torn up about it all week, I’ve had to reset my mind, it messed me up because it was something that could’ve happened to any of us. I’ve been just spending a lot of time with my family, I just can’t believe he is gone.” I said oh wow…I’m sorry and it was silent for a few then he said, well let me call you when I get off work. I said ok. I was not sure about how I felt about him saying he needed to reset and be with family. I wasn’t sure what that meant and my mind goes to the negative thoughts first. Therefore, I heard him say, I want us to fall back a little and deal with each other less, I need to be with my W. I know that is not what he said but my mind interpreted it that way. He called around 7p and I couldn’t answer because one of my kids was in the car with me.
    Saturday, he called me and I was with both of my kids so I couldn’t answer but when I called back he didn’t answer so I sent him a message…it said,
    Hey, I was returning your call! I know losing your friend has been hard on you and prayerfully you will find some peace and be ok. If there is anything I can do, let me know. Take as much time as you need, to reset and heal…everyone mourns/grieve differently. I genuinely care and want you to be good!

    I decided to go with my positive interpretation of what I thought he meant when I spoke to him the day prior. I didn’t want us to be in a bad space and I didn’t want to be a b@#$& to him knowing he lost a friend. He didn’t reply to the message but he called me last night. He said he was at work most of the day and he was on his way home. He asked if I wanted to take a ride with him and I said yes..we took a ride and parked and he showed me the obituary of his friend and there was a picture of him at the friends wedding from years ago and he reminisces about their friendship. We were “intimate” in the car and during that time he said things like, you always know what say and say the right thing, you always know what to do and you always make me feel good or make me feel better and that’s why I love you. He has said he loved me without us being “intimate” but I knew what he was saying has something to do with the text I sent him earlier that day. I think people say anything during intimate moments so it’s always a bit challenging for me to understand if it’s real feelings or is it just BS. He talks like that during times of intimacy and he almost always says he loves me. I have a tendency to say I love you before he leaves my house and he will say it back. I just wonder if he means the things he says while we are in the moment. I guess if I had to look at his actions more times than none, I would say yes but it is complex. I think in the beginning of the summer we had a talk about his feelings for me and he said he quite a few things but I remember him saying, he is vulnerable with me, more emotional or sensitive, he tells me about his feelings and he’s honest with me. We talked about an hr that day and I was at work. I’m sure I wrote about it here. Anyway, I guess I know he cares and loves me but I do my best to block that out to keep me safe.

  17. LL, I like your advice of taking it day by day. I am still trying to do that. It’s working well so far. I don’t feel that I’m rushing myself to heal, and I definitely don’t feel that my MM is rushing me. So, I will try to enjoy my MM’s attention without worrying too much about that attention lessening as things get back to “normal.” We did have a good time Monday night (just a lot of good conversation while out), and then he came to my house yesterday and it was more good conversation and laughing. Our conversations are no longer dominated by the cheating, and my thoughts don’t even go there much through the conversation. A month ago, it was all I could think about when I was with him; but now I mostly don’t think about it when I’m with him. I don’t want to dismiss it, though, and still try to focus on my hurt feelings when they arise. Still no sex (intentionally) but nice kissing again yesterday. I don’t know when sex will happen but just trying to take it slow since it will be hard not to think of him having sex with someone else the first time we have sex again.

    So, wait, when you say there’s no way your MM has “in love” feelings for you and then goes home to his W, are you saying you don’t think your MM loves you? I think he does. I know we’ve talked about that word on here a lot about whether or not someone can really love someone else in an affair, but I think they can. Especially when it goes on this long. I’m not saying it’s always a healthy love or the same love I have with my H, but I love my MM. My MM loves me. Your MM has said those words to you before, and I think he loves you (even if he doesn’t say it a lot). I understand telling yourself he doesn’t have real feeling to protect yourself, though. It’s scary to go too far in thinking he loves you, because the reality that he is with another woman can hurt.

    It’s good that he makes time for you most weekends, but I know how schedules can change and then the pattern changes (like you’re saying with football season). I hope you’ve talked to him by now, and it’s good that he tries to let you know if he’s not available. Like I’ve said, I think your MM treats you well (as well as can be expected in an affair).

  18. Felk,

    I am still here and will let you know when its time for me to move on from here but I actually need this forum a lot. Although I don’t comment half as much as I use to, I have comfort in knowing I have support here.
    I’m happy to hear you and your MM are getting back to normal. I think the attention is nice and easy to get use to it but I also think it’s ok to deal with it day by day and keep a open mind about the fact that it may not last forever but what does. Enjoy it as much as you can!
    Building trust with someone who has lied to you is challenging but if you say you believe he has moved on from that other woman and nothing is happening with the one from the job than that’s all that matters. I think your MM truly cares for and loves you and is genuinely trying to make it right. Two times a week spending time…I’m jealous lol
    I’m hoping everything goes well when I go in for my pap, it’s not until Jan because that’s the earliest appt my doctor had. I think he told me I could go in every two years if I wasn’t having unprotected sex but I feel more comfortable with yearly exams considering I’m sexually active. Yaaaaay for you…no cancerous cells, I’m sure that was scary. All of this was definitely a wake up call. Good for you suggesting he goes to get himself checked out, that’s important.

    As far as the juggling of both relationships. I appreciate your explanation of this from a married person’s perspective. I think you hit it dead on. I think I’ve said it here before, I feel like there’s no way he has these “in love” feelings for me and yet goes home to his W but I know on the flip side of that there are things he does and says that let me know he does have real feelings for me…I think I like to play games with my mind lol. Its like if I tell myself he doesn’t have real feelings for me i won’t be as disappointed when things don’t go my way. I know him and his W still have sex but I don’t think it’s often. He’s never tried to convince that he’s not sleeping with her but over the years he has alluded to the fact that she says no to sex much much more than she says yes.
    You’re right about finding time to spend with one another no matter what. There are times we have gotten a room because we had to go weeks without spending alone time together. I think I just try to prepare my mind for the worse to lessen the blow….

    On another note, I haven’t talked to him on the phone since Friday night. When he doesn’t come over on Saturday he does his best to come over on Sunday but I think Football season makes that more complicated as he is a football fan and watches Sunday Football. He didn’t call me me Sunday nor did he call me today. I was wondering if he thinks I’m upset that he didn’t come over during the weekend because I normally get upset and act bratty about it but this time I decided not to get too upset especially since he made sure to let me know. Hopefully, I will here from him tomorrow…

    Hope you enjoyed your date with MM! Chat with you soon

  19. Hi LL, Good to find you over here. It was weird thinking I wouldn’t ever talk to you ladies again.
    🙂 My last post about my MM was about two weeks ago and things continue to get better. Slowly. We have kept talking about it all, but the conversation is shifting to less about his cheating two years ago and more about the usual things we talk about. He is still rather attentive, reassuring, and apologetic. We’ve been back at work now for three weeks and not only have we had time for each other but he continues to suggest and agree to more time than usual. We’ve been spending alone time together twice/week either getting a drink, in his car, at an outdoor spot we like, or at my house. We did kiss for the first time (since the reveal) last week. But kissing is as far as it’s gone (including hand-holding that we’ve been doing throughout). I felt ready for that kiss, but I still don’t want to rush things. I think things are slowly getting back to normal, but I do still feel weird about it all. It’s all lost some of its luster. I still feel in love with him, but I don’t have the same excitement I used to. I assume it will come back but maybe not. I will not force myself to feel something I don’t. I’m trying to continue to say the things I want to say, and it’s been nice not to hold back. I don’t want to say I needed him to cheat to get honest, but, wow, do I feel much more comfortable being honest now. I definitely feel a strength I haven’t had in a long time with him. I know it was a bit of a wake-up call for me. All of his attention is really nice, too. He put a lovely note under my door at work last week for my birthday, and he wrote this great email to me two weeks ago with a list of reasons why he wants me to stay (in our relationship). The list ended with “You’re the one for me” and that hit me hard. I know it’s a complicated thing to hear a person say after that person cheated, but I know how he means that sentence. I also know he’s completely done with this other woman and it all meant little to him. (I understand because I’ve done it.) And with the coworker who I was jealous of? He wants nothing to do with her right now. It’s kind of great. He’s been clear that he’s focusing on me.

    I do worry about liking this attention too much and then going back to the less we were doing before the cheating reveal. He brought it up on Friday. I was saying things about liking his attention these last few weeks and he asked if I wanted it to continue. I joked like “duh” and we talked about it, with him seeming to want it to continue too. I was surprised. We generally left it at just seeing what happens. Continue as we want to continue. I remain wary and won’t be surprised if we slip back into less as all of this becomes too much for him again. But I will also try to speak up more if it doesn’t seem he’s giving enough.

    He also asked me on a date for tomorrow night. It’s been a very long time since he’s asked for some time at night.

    With the health stuff (thanks for asking), I think everything is good. All other STI tests were clear, and I had the biopsy after they found the HPV/abnormal cells on my pap and that showed no precancerous cells. So, it’s just the typical let the infection clear and come back in a year. I hope you get the same good news, but good on you for checking it out. My MM is also going to get the STI screen soon. He asked if I wanted him to a few weeks ago, and I didn’t push but suggested yes and he set up a physical with his primary. I figure if I’m clear he is, but, well, better safe than sorry at this point, right? 🙂

    With my H, things are fine. About the same, I’d say. This cheating stuff hasn’t caused me nearly as much stress as the misery of the break-up two years ago. How do married people juggle two relationships? Honestly, I don’t find it that hard. Yes, it’s hurt my marriage a bit, but my H and I are doing okay. We have a nice relationship (with very little sex). Yes, sometimes it’s hard (especially at stressful times with my MM or times I’m feeling really in love and don’t want to be around my H), but mostly I separate the two. It has been easier since my MM and I pulled back a lot two years ago. We don’t have near the intensity of time together now (three years ago we were chatting 4-5 nights/week online for 2-3 hours/night). That’s great that your MM makes time to call you every day, even if for a few minutes. Things like that have shown me over the years how much he values his relationship with you. He has always seemed to try to treat you well. I know sometimes it can seem he doesn’t, but I think he is just trying to juggle it all. I don’t have kids. He does. My MM does. To juggle kids and another relationship seems extra hard to me. But part of the reason it’s possible is because the marriage is just on autopilot to some extent. I know that doesn’t sound great, but it’s true for a lot of long-term marriages. When you’ve been married a while, you have the same routines. You also don’t feel the same interest in your partner so it’s just easy to step out on your porch and call your girlfriend (because she’s the one you want to be talking to). 🙂

    I still think you made the right call with not going to that event where your MM and his W were. I don’t think you should worry too much about his W asking why you weren’t there. Just make up something that you had to do that conflicted with the event. “I really wanted to go, but I had X.” I think the worry that you and your MM would give away your feelings for each other is real. I’m sure there are looks you two give, smiles, etc. Even subtle, others might notice. A few people at work have commented on my MM and I. We look at each other, smile at each other, spend time with each other (even at work) in ways that most people don’t. Others have noticed (even if they don’t think we’re having an affair). Your MM’s W might notice, especially if she has even the tiniest suspicion. Or maybe that night would start her suspicion. And, as you said, you’d probably end up talking to her a lot since she’s one of the few people you know there. Then that makes you feel awkward in all sorts of ways. Best to avoid.

    As far as this year being the last for you and your MM, I’m not so sure. You two have something pretty good, and my guess is that if you want it to continue, it will. It may be harder with the children away (or, in your case, at home) but when people want to find the time and space, they do. My MM’s schedule has changed a lot across the last 7 years with kids getting older, yet he’s still mostly found a way (and maybe even more now with his kids older). I get wanting to talk about it with your MM ahead of time, but if you want it, I’m thinking you two will find a way. And he might even want to more because he has so much time alone at home with his W!

  20. Felk,

    I hope things are going well for you. I know you decided to stick it out with your MM. I’m guessing you have to rebuild the trust within your relationship. I’m sure that can be a little challenging but possible. Have you been able to spend time with him now that you all have gone back to work ? Are you guys still talking about what happened or have you put it behind you ? Also have you gone back to the doctors and what happened with that ? After you posted about what happened I contacted my doctor to schedule an appointment. I was told that I haven’t had a pap in 2 years and I didn’t know it had been that long because I went in last year but it was just to clear up a yeast infection and I got blood work done but I need to get an exam. Hopefully it will all go well. How have you been maintaining things with your H ? I have asked my MM how is he able to juggle having 2 women in his life and trying to manage both relationships. I understand his and I relationship is not as significant with the one he has with his W but I noticed with him, he doesn’t want me to be upset with him so he tries to do what I ask him to do. He tries not to disappoint me and I typically can tell when he is not going to be able to come over because it will be hard for us to communicate with each other that day because he is with her but he puts forth the effort to communicate with me on a regular basis, even if he has to sit on their porch and talk to me for a few minutes he makes sure he talks to me daily. He told me it’s crazy how long we’ve been dealing with one another. He told me she asked him why I didn’t come to the event. He told her I never called him back. Him and I talked about why I didn’t feel comfortable. We thought if I went to the event it would be obvious that we had a connection because we feel its noticeable. He said it could be as simple as I walk by him and the way he watches me when I walk away or how we smile at each other when nothing is funny and as much as you think you can hide these things, a connection is not always easy to hide. He said he don’t know why he would put that amount of pressure on himself. He said he would just stay away from me while we are at the event. I said but I would have to talk to her or even sit near her because I don’t know anyone there and she would talk to me because she knows me. Our kids are best friends, we work together to provide transportation for them to and from their sports events so how could we be in a space together (even if there are hundreds of people) and not communicate with each other..that would seem weird for all three of us. I told him I didn’t think it was a smart decision. However, he told her I was coming because initially I said I would but when I didn’t show up she wanted to know why. I told him I hate that she knows we communicate with each other. It makes me feel like I’m betraying her as if she’s a friend of mine but she’s not. I guess it’s because she trusts me enough to communicate with him with the thought that I am not interested in him…I’m hoping i don’t run into her because I don’t want her to ask me about why i didn’t come to the event…this is the second year she’s told him to invite me and I don’t show up. I know it’s best for me not to be at any event with them on purpose. I’ve been thinking that next year will probably be our last year together. Our boys will graduate high school and I think it will be more challenging to find consistent time for each other. My kids go with their other parent every other weekend but once my son graduates, I don’t see him being out of the house at a consistent time every other weekend. He is considering going to college close to home. I think my MM will also have to spend more time with her because she will need that since their last child in the house will be in college or military which ever one he decides. I haven’t talked to him about it because I wasn’t sure what it sound like to say…hey we got one more together and then we can call it quits. I will likely mention it to him. I try to be honest and up front with him about my thoughts, fear and discomforts.

  21. As usual, Laurie, great advice. As with most of these issues, it’s rarely as simple as do X. These are complicated situations that require considering a lot of factors, as you note when you explain how your partner might not be able to leave the job where he/she works with an ex-affair partner. But your advice about paying attention to how you feel is great. Not that we always can tell if a partner is being honest or sincere, but if something feels “off” it’s important to recognize it and talk to your partner about it. Especially if that person has recently cheated. Not only is it understandable that a person might be overly sensitive but a person who’s been cheated on has good reason to be sensitive and look for warning signs. The former (being oversensitive and being jealous when you no longer need to be) is tricky because you’ve been hurt, but I like your advice about talking to someone you can trust or eventually talking to a therapist if you feel your jealousy is out of control. Jealousy is brutal. And when your partner has given you a reason to feel threatened, that can take a long time to get past.

    It’s also really good advice to pay attention to something not feeling right. Yes, our emotions can steer us wrong, but if something doesn’t feel right… it isn’t right. Whether that means your partner is still doing problematic behaviors and you need to talk about it or it means your jealousy is consuming you (and she/he’s not doing anything to cause that), something is not right and it needs to be addressed. Ultimately, it may be that you simply cannot forgive your partner for cheating and it may be best to leave the relationship.

    I also really like your advice to talk to the person about it if we’re still jealous. Too often we can hold those feelings inside because we feel vulnerable to admit we feel threatened. But it’s entirely normal to feel threatened when a partner cheats, no matter how much they reassure it is over. It’s also normal for these feelings to linger for a while, even when you might think you *should* be over it. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be “okay” sooner than we’re ready. We also are often scared to bring it up with a partner who cheats. While we may have a lot of anger at the partner for cheating, we also can have a lot of fear that our partner isn’t attracted to us anymore or wants to leave. We may fear we will drive the person away with neediness if we express jealousy. So, that’s why I like your advice because it addresses real vulnerabilities we have in these situations and tries to remind us that the only way to heal is to be honest and open about feelings. The problems will keep surfacing if you don’t address them. It’s also as you say about being true to yourself. I know that I always feel better in relationships when I can be true to myself, expressing concerns, than when I’m holding back due to fear. Fear is powerful, but if we let it control us, then we cannot have the honest healthy relationship we desire.