Toxic Love > Harmful Patterns > Is Your Marriage Over? 6 Signs You Shouldn’t Ignore

Is Your Marriage Over? 6 Signs You Shouldn’t Ignore

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These signs a marriage is over will help you see yourself – and your husband – more clearly. It’s not easy to see your marriage objectively when you’re in the middle of it. It’s even harder to see yourself and your husband without your history coloring your lens! These signs your marriage is over will help you take a step back and look at your life from a different perspective.

You may not be headed for divorce court, so take heart. Almost all relationships touch rock bottom sometimes. The healthiest, happiest marriages rise and come alive again. The wisest couples prepare for the next valley (because life always brings problems and pain. Fortunately, life is made up of more moments of beauty, joy, love, creativity, connection, hope and peace than of pain. Praise be!).

I was inspired to write this article by a reader’s comment. “My husband and I have been together since high school and got married 12 years ago,” said Jessie on How to Know if Your Husband Still Loves You. “We’ve always been comfortable together, but over the past couple years I’ve been getting the feeling he no longer wants to be with me. Our relationship is just one of convenience. All of the signs he doesn’t love me are there, and he says a lot of very very hurtful things to me. He tries to make me feel like a horrible person and he attacks the things I say and do. After he says all these mean things to me he wants me to act as though everything is alright. He says I need to smile and be happy etc. but I’m feeling like I could crawl up in a ball and die. Are these signs your marriage is over? I think so but it would help to get an outside opinion.”

According to marriage expert John Gottman, expressing contempt is one of the signs your marriage is over. Jessie’s husband does this by trying to make her feel like a horrible personal and by saying hurtful things to her.

6 Signs Your Marriage is Over

These warning signs your marriage is over are from relationship counselors and marriage therapists.

While you’re reading through these thoughts, remember that you are the expert on your relationship. You know your husband better than anyone, you know yourself, and you know how your marriage has changed through the years. Don’t let a relationship article take away all your hope for a happy, healthy marriage! Millions of relationships get pulled from the brink of divorce court every year by couples who are committed to rebuilding their marriages.

1. Your husband treats you with contempt

Contempt is the biggest red flag – the most troubling warning sign that your marriage is over – according to Dr. John Gottman and his four decades of marriage research.

“When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean,” writes Ellie Lisitsa in The Four Horsemen: Contempt on The Gottman Institute’s blog about strengthening relationships. “Treating others with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm are forms of contempt. So are hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling and sneering. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with him or her.”

The reason contempt is such a powerful predictor of divorce is because it is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts. Contempt is issued in the form of an attack from a position of relative superiority. Words and actions that are fueled by contempt lead to more conflict and disconnection, rather than to reconciliation.

How do you respond to a husband who speaks to you with contempt? Get help. Talk to a marriage counselor, pastor with counseling experience, or a trusted family friend. Learn how to cope with your feelings and how to set boundaries with your husband.

Contempt isn’t a guaranteed sign your marriage is over, but both you and your husband have to see how your words and actions are affecting your marriage. You both need to be willing to work on your relationship. One of the most troubling warning signs your marriage is over is when both you and your husband refuse to accept responsibility.

If you have a feeling your marriage can’t be saved, read How to Know if Divorce is the Best Decision.

2. You and your husband have stopped trying

Marriage coach Mort Fertel says, “Ironically, communication techniques sometimes give people clarity that they don’t care what their spouse thinks or feels. They ‘understand it’ but it doesn’t matter to them anymore.”

This is ironic because couples often go to marriage counseling to learn to “communicate better.” They learn how to be honest and open about their feelings, they learn how to listen and speak clearly…and they learn that one or both of them has no interest in trying to save their relationship.

Through their newfound communication skills, they learn that they’re too tired to work on their marriage. They simply don’t care anymore. This type of indifference is one of the most important warning signs your marriage is over.

3. You don’t connect with or even critique your spouse…you criticize

Let’s turn the tables around for a minute. How do you talk to your husband? If you tend to be critical of him, then you’re displaying one of Dr Gottman’s warning signs your marriage is over. Negative or “helpful” feedback can be difficult for husbands to take; criticism will cut him to the core.

“Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint,” writes Lisitsa on Recognizing Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. “The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack: it is an attack on your husband at the core. In effect, you are dismantling his whole being when you criticize.”

  • Here’s an example of a complaint, which isn’t normally a sign your marriage is over: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”
  • And this is an example of a criticism: “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish! You never think of others! You never think of me!”

Are you and your husband critical of each other? It’s not a great way to communicate, but it’s not the biggest warning sign your marriage is over.

“If you find that you are your husband are critical of each other, don’t assume your marriage is doomed to fail,” writes Lisitsa. “The problem with criticism is that, when it becomes pervasive, it paves the way for the other, far deadlier [warning signs of unhealthy marriages].  Criticism makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt, and often causes the perpetrator and victim to fall into an escalating pattern where the first horseman reappears with greater and greater frequency and intensity.”

When you were first married, you probably felt understood, heard, and connected with your husband. You were polite. You didn’t want to hurt him – and he was sensitive to your feelings. But time passes, and the stress of daily life and kids and jobs and money and house and aging parents and health issues take a toll…and you find that you don’t have the time and patience it takes to be polite. This isn’t necessarily a sign your marriage is over – it just means you need to make time and effort to communicate with love and respect.

4. Your slide into your marriage commitment, and you tend to “cycle”

“Sliding Into Marriage” and “Premarital Cycling” are two signs your marriage is over or may be ending, according to Dr. Jeff Larson. He is a relationship expert on premarital predictors of marital happiness, and he shared these two signs of unhealthy relationships on his article 3 Warning Signs That Predict Divorce Early in a Relationship:

Sliding Into Marriage. Couples often have low levels of commitment and end up sliding into marriage instead of making a very conscious and clear decision to be committed to their future spouse. This frequently happens when couples live together, but aren’t officially married yet. The issue is that when this “sliding” occurs, there is less initial commitment and willingness to stick it out when things get tough, which is essential to any marriage. In other words, if you slide into your marriage you may be more likely to slide right on out. A low commitment level is a warning sign your marriage is over (or that it never really began).

Premarital Cycling. Dating, then breaking up, then getting back together before marriage predicts lower marital quality and stability. This is common in relationships, but it doesn’t mean it’s good for them. This kind of instability early on sets a precedent for how open partners can be with each other. i.e. “If I talk about this with him/her, he/she will get overwhelmed because last time I brought something like this up, he/she needed a break from me. I’ll just keep it to myself.” This is a dangerous pattern to fall into. It’s important to feel safe and secure in a marriage for it to stay healthy and have longevity.

On a related note, what are your goals as a couple? Do you have a compatible vision for your future? If you want a four million dollar home with an ocean view and your husband wants a wee cottage in the forest, then you both may feel less committed to your marriage. Why? Because you want different things in life. If your husband wants six children and you’d rather be childfree, then you may have to work harder on overcoming the signs your marriage is over. To keep your marriage strong, you need to agree on your vision as a couple or family – and put each other first.

5. You’re not connecting emotionally, spiritually, or physically

The good news is that physical and emotional disconnection in a relationship is not one of the major signs your marriage is over! The bad news is that disconnection can lead to more serious problems down the road. The less you connect as a couple, the less healthy your relationship is…and the higher the chances your marriage is slowly ending.

If you’re struggling with these signs your marriage is over, remember that all married couples are forced to deal with difficulties. Many couples have to face the decision to stay married or consider getting a divorce because their problems are bigger than they care to handle.

signs my separated husband still loves me

Don’t fall into the trap of believing you only have two options: staying married and staying unhappy, or getting a divorce and getting happy again. If you’re feeling scared and sad because of these warning signs your marriage is over, then perhaps you’re ready to go beyond that false choice (“Do I divorce so that I can find happiness again, or do I keep the family together and remain unhappy?”).

Perhaps you’re ready to do the work it takes to save your marriage. According to the Couples Institute, you’d be be surprised to learn that most unhappy marriages become happy again, if couples can stick it out. While some divorces are necessary, many marriages can be repaired.

“It may be difficult to face the issues that you and your spouse are struggling with, but research suggests that couples who can manage to stay together usually end up happier down the road than couples who divorce,” writes Dr. Deborah Hecker on Should You Divorce or Save Your Marriage? “If partners choose to invest in their relationship and make needed changes instead of repeating their mistakes, they might be able to avoid an unnecessary divorce. And if they do finally decide to divorce, their personal work in couples therapy might increase their chance of a successful marriage next time.”

6. You husband cheated and wants to end your marriage

If your husband had an affair and is leaving you, then you’ve gone beyond the typical “signs your marriage is over.” The bad news is that infidelity can damage your relationship beyond repair – especially if your husband leaves you for the other woman.

If your husband had an affair and wants to rebuild your relationship, then crack open the champagne and celebrate! The good news is that marriage infidelity by itself is not a sign your marriage is over. Many couples survive marital unfaithfulness, and many have an even stronger bond because of the cheating.

What’s the difference between infidelity as a sign your marriage is over versus infidelity as a turning point towards a healthier, stronger relationship? You and your husband’s intentions for your future. Cheating in and of itself won’t necessarily end your marriage…it’s how you and your husband clean up after the infidelity that determines if you’ll stay together.

“In my work doing marriage coaching, I have noticed that very often the turning point in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom,” says marriage coach Mort Fertel. “It’s not until they’ve been through the worst that things start to get better.”

Don’t despair if infidelity is a factor in your marriage. Mort says cheating husbands are more likely to build stronger relationships – if they are genuinely sorry and sincere about saving their marriages. However, if your spouse cheated, you and he will need to do some serious work on moving forward in peace, forgiveness, and love.

If your husband cheated with a woman at work, read When Your Husband Still Works With His Ex Affair Partner.

How to Cope With the Signs Your Marriage is Over

my marriage is over

Read 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America’s Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship by John Gottman. He’s a respectable marriage therapist and researcher, and his insights will help you not only see your relationship differently, but actually change it for the better.

Don’t give up on your marriage yet – it’s possible that the best is yet to come! Maybe you’ve hit the natural “rock bottom” life cycle of your relationship…and maybe you just need to start rebuilding your marriage.

In 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, the Gottmans provide vital tools – scientifically based and empirically verified – that you can use to regain affection and romance lost through years of ineffective communication. You’ll strengthen your relationship and make it the most fulfilling it can be.

Maybe your marriage is over, or maybe you just need help and relationship advice from a couples therapist, marriage coach, or relationship textbook(s). Struggling with problems in your relationship isn’t one of the warning signs your marriage is over. It just means you’re human, and so is your husband.

May you experience recovery, healing, peace and love in your relationship. May you find life in your marriage, sparks of love in your soul, and sprouts of health in your emotional, physical, and spiritual relationship with your husband. I pray that God revives your marriage and performs a miracle in your relationship with him. May you find practical, healthy ways to deal with these signs your marriage is over – and may they become a ghost of the past.

If you feel unloved and alone in your relationship, read How to Survive a Loveless Marriage.

What do you think about these signs your marriage is over? I can’t offer relationship advice or counseling, but you may find it helpful to share what you’re going through. Writing is one of the best ways to gain clarity and insight, and can help you process your feelings and sort through your thoughts. And, your experience will show other women they’re not alone.

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378 thoughts on “Is Your Marriage Over? 6 Signs You Shouldn’t Ignore”

  1. I have been with my spouse for over 35 years, and have remarried him 3 times that he will never change to save our marriage. I have given over 100 percent to this man for nothing. I believe that he is Bipolar and he is very rude to me sometimes. He can be the sweetest thing on earth, but can be the coldest person on earth. We have 2 children, 1 is grown and the other is almost out of school. I am done with this rude individual to me. When my youngest child comes out of school, I am going to leave and never return. God knows what I am going through, and I believe that He wants me to be happy. He is sneaky and a liar and these types of people will burn in hell. I go over and beyond to send sweet texts, and he will come back and say that it does not make sense! I am done with this stupid mean man. God has the husband out there for me, but first I have to get rid of mess! I have wasted so much time with trying to make my marriage work, but this is what I wanted to do. I am a Godly person, but why do I feel as if I hate his guts!

  2. I’ve been married over 25 years and I haven’t been happy for a long time I’m trying to find my happy space it’s very hard I believe is over and it’s been over with for a long time but I have no idea to go and I don’t know where to turn to

    1. Please don’t waste anymore of your time with this man. Continue to ask God for His guidance and allow Him t lead you. Trust me don’t look back move forward. I made so many mistakes of looking back this is why I can kick myself a million times.! Let it go!

  3. I wanted to save our 42 year marriage when he had an affair. I thought he did, too. I forgave him and he did it again. He won’t admit it when I have evidence to the contrary. I’ve been gaslighted, stonewalled, he’ll be sweet and kind one day and mean the next. He manages to turn every conversation into being my fault. I just want to have a normal conversation with honesty. Yet I stay with him. I feel like I’m going insane. I love him but I’m in a nightmare. I can’t fight for what is making me crazy. But I don’t want to live without him either. It’s scary. I’ve been with him since I was 19. I’m 63 now and my options are limited. I’m weary of not knowing what’s real and what isn’t. He says if I would just let it go everything would be ok. Really?

    1. Hi, I think that you can stay with him, but make differents things
      Maybe go outside with your friends, use your passion
      and energy for makes thinghs that you love, create your own space
      You are accustumed to stay with him, and the life is short. Believe me he never leave you, then
      Enjoy your life and be happy.

      Key

    2. I am married to someone like your husband but we don’t
      live together – long story Why is your situation so bad? It sounds like you are married to a narcissist like me. GOOGLE: Narcissist. I have hung on and tried everything under the Sun to make things work. Now my health is starting to suffer.I am 70. NEVER had high blood pressure – and now getting frequent chest pains from stress. If you choose to stay, take care of you and do NOT take any of his abusive behavior, personally. They have a rage inside of them hidden from the public –Jekkyl/Hyde personality. You give him what he wants. he takes and will never give back. Am I right?

    3. Don’t waste anymore of your time with him. If he really loves you, why would he continue to treat you like that? Your sanity is very important, and trust God and move on. I am in the same position as you are, and trust me it is NOT even worth it. He seems a lot like my husband a control freak that is not happy with himself. These types of people will never be happy with anyone at all! Let it go! I have! Live your life to the fullest!

  4. I find it quite interesting that a lot of what is written here by this woman is very much anti-male. There is no attempt to put “his/her” into the argument, it is mostly HIM or HIS assuming it is the man who is the ‘disruptive’ in the act. Does it never occur to females of this world that they are the ones who set the plane on fire? That it could actually be the female who starts the descent into oblivion?
    I’m sorry but as a male reading this it annoys me that sites like this always seem to assume that its the man in the picture that causes the problems. I live with a bi**h. She is a Swedish woman who loves to control everything, including me. When I say ‘bi**h’ I mean the true dictionary meaning which is ‘ strong woman’ and she’s hell to live with because it’s always ‘her way or the highway’ and that is completely unreasonable. Women need to wake up and realise that that it is not always the man at fault here. This ‘default’ setting that many women have that the man is always wrong has to stop.
    I loved my wife once and she destroyed my love for her by being a total control freak so I stopped loving her. That was NOT my doing but her behaviour.
    I’m fed up with women blaming everything on the man in their lives for things that they do.
    A man will never stray if the woman in his life keeps him interested in the bedroom. He will never stop loving that woman if she shows him the same respect and love he shows her. FACT!

    1. 100% true. I have been married for 19 years with beautiful children. I moved from my home state giving up my dream job so my wife could pursue her career. Now she is very successful but also repulsed by me. I used to be handsome (according to her). but no longer I can’t touch her in any traditional way. I can physically please her the way she wants. She goes to her networking events constantly without me. She doesn’t like to look at me or have me close to her. I work full time and take care do the kids and sleep on the couch every nights so she can get a good nights rest. Yet it is something I need to work on. She tells me that is the way she communicates love so apparently it’s my fault. Worse yet she is programming my daughter to view me in the same way.

    2. Jeff, You are lashing out. So you put all women into the b***h category because your situation had the gender attitudes reversed from what you usually read. Then you should be mad at the culture that raised you to think, “A man will never stray if the woman in his life keeps him interested in the bedroom. He will never stop loving that woman if she shows him the same respect and love he shows her. FACT!”
      That is just not true, even if you think it is true in your case. Your comment in itself shows that you have a simplified cultural perspective on love, not a Godly love.
      How do I know? Because your statement has a disrespectful premise, ” A man with never stray if…”. You have an ungodly expectation of God’s will for a man.

      Respectfully

  5. This was useful to read. I have been wondering if I made the right decision in getting married. We rushed to get engaged after less than a year because we hated living so far apart and wanted to buy a house together. Plus we had both come out of bad relationships when we met and were in a bad place. Looking back, a year really wasn’t enough time to get to know each other. Since we got married all we do is fight (or I have to constantly bite my tongue over things he does and says) and I don’t feel we are compatible at all. I feel like I made a huge mistake in marrying him so fast. But I don’t know how to get out. All my savings are tied up in this house and he just avoids talking about it. I feel so trapped.

    1. I feel your pain.
      I have been with my husband since i was 18 and married him two years later. I am now 44.
      For the first few years of marriage i stayed at home raising the children. He went to work but i cooked cleaned. packed his lunch, made his tea, let him nap so he could rest straight after work, took care of the bills etc. He left me a few times and i raised the children alone.
      Then we got back together had a couple of more children and then I began to work and now he looks after the children. He does a mediokre job of that too. When i return from work i continue to do all the housework and wash all the dirty plates etc that he leaves piled up waiting for me.
      He is not my best friend and i hate going out with him, i dont enjoy his company anymore and sex is completely rubbish. He gets his way and i get shit. Has been like that all my life with him.
      Unfortunatley in all the time with him I haven’t grown a pair. I wish I had and I wish I had walked out years ago.
      i am not beautiful and feel that my lack of confidence made me pursue the first person that looked at me.
      I am so scared to leave now, with no help and support what am I going to do.

      What hurts me the most is that this weekend was the first time we had stayed over at his sister’s house and i was so shocked that he had cooked in her kitchen and actually cleaned it up. thats made me realise how inconsiderate he has been with me for the past 26 years,

  6. For a good single man like me that never met the right good woman to settle down with in the first place, which most women today as it is are Feminists to begin with.

  7. Hi, thank you for your opinions on the husband’s failures, which may cause the marriage to break down? As a husband, I would be interested more! if you showed that the breakdown of marriages, can be the problems from both Husbands and Wives. An unforgiving partner? Shuts the door in the face of one that can forgive!

  8. I KNow this was inspired by a female reader’s comment , but it would have been better to address both sexes in their marriage dilemma , so use the world ‘partner’ rather than husband , so both men and women can relate to the article

  9. HI THERE
    I STILL MARRIED FOR 17 YEARS MY HUSBAND GOT A GIRLFRIEND 25 YEAR OLD AND THEY GOT A CHILD. THREE AGO WAS FIGHTING FOR MY MARRAIGE BUT NOW I DONT FEEL LIKE TO FIGHT. I HAVE 2 BOYS AFTER A CALL FROM HER SHE SOUND LIKE ME 2 YEARS AGO FIGHTING OVER A MAN. YOU NO MY HUSBAND NEVER SPOKE TO ME HE IS AVOIDING ME IF I WANT TO TALK ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIPHE HAVE THINGS TO DO IT GOES NOW FOR ALOMOST 3 YEARS. NOW THE GIRLFRIEND WANT TO GIVE HIM MONEY TO DIVORCE ME. I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM BUT I THINK I HAVE STILL FELINGS FOR HIM. I REALLY WANTS TO KNOW WHY HE DONT WANT TO TALK ME. MY BOYS STAYS WITH HIM IN OUR HOUSE BUT SHE DONT STAY WITH HIM. I HAVE TRIED TO GO PICK UP MY CLOTHS AT MY HOUSE HE IS ALWAYS TO BUSY. WE HAVE NEVER EVER TO EACH WHAT HAPPEND FOR THIS 3 YEARS. WHAT MUST I DO ???? I NEED HELP

  10. My wife came into a lot of money. She adopted a position of superiority. She was supporting me and I enjoyed retirement tor about five years. Sadly, we got scammed in a Real Estate deal, and she never forgave me. I did what I could to contribute, but my wife loves the money, more than me. I have recently started working again, and realize that being a bird in a gilded cage does not make me happy. Our physical relationship has ended, and we both would rather spend time with others than each other. I try to remember that over time, people change, not always for the best. I however can not accept the change that my wife has gone through. I want to love my partner and I want them to love me back. I deserve to be happy. It’s up to me to pursue it. I hope we can have a peaceful separation = but I doubt it.

  11. Empty nesting to face reality we have very little in common. We disagree on most subjects. He is offended that I dont think or behave like he does. He believes he is right and knows most of everything. He blames others or circumstances for his moodiness and is negative most of the time. I ask if he wants to talk and he does not. At all for days. Then blames me for having nothing to come home to. I guess I love him, I think I do. Not really sure anymore.

  12. I believe our marriage needs help. We have had a lot of despair about our relationship. We deeply loved eachother wben we started. Now most days he prefers watching the weather,the chess on hos phone or hes too tired for romance or communication.
    We have little interesting intelligent conversation.
    We are christians.
    Meaness worked havoc 8 years ago.

  13. Hello ineed advice, Ive been married 10 years and have a ten year old daughter that my husband has helped raised her since she was a baby. He is not the biological father but has been her dad since she was a baby. We have been a strong loving and caring family until recently. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby of our own but findout within the last couple years he has fertility problems. His 35 and I’m 45. I’ve been to a fertility Dr myself to be checked and was told I still have viable eggs and my hormones are within normal range. All this being said my husband thinks his in a time crunch with me and doesn’t think staying with me he LL get his own biological child. His been on fertility drugs for 11/2 years and had no sperm find in three different labs drawn. His now saying he wants to disolve our marriags so he can be by himself to figure out his own life and what it will look like. Can you please give me advice. I feel we can adopt or if something changes in his fertility we could have a surrogate. I love my husband and do not want to divorce over this situation.

  14. Slipping into marriage. That happened to me. I never wanted to get married but then, before being completely alone, why not. Big mistake!. My husband is a nice guy, decent, hard working (well ok works enough) he is a good father of our 16 year old boy. Everything is ok, I work, we have no financial or any other problems, just, I dont like being married! I dont like being with someone. I dont like it when we are at home alone together (like whe our son goes out or is off to school). I dont like being with him, as a matter of fact with any one (Im not intereset in other men). I want my privacy, its my life and I want it all to myself. Sometimes I feal a little bad about this since I dont talk much to him and dont tell him a lot, I keep my thoughts to myself and I dont have an opinion. He says Im emotionally cold (not mean or hurting, just cold, like he is not mad at me because he knows I cannot otherwise), he says Im not an egoist but just someone who needs no one. But since I take care of everything well, work and do the house chores and dearly love my son (yes he is the only human being I feal something for) my husband can take me. But I just sometimes want out and away!

    1. Oh my goodness, Chris. That’s the exact same situation for me. We’ve been married 25 years and for the past year, I have only stayed because of the children (ages 12 & 14) i do not want him or anyone else. Everything about him drives me crazy and I just can’t stand him most of the time, so like you, I just don’t talk to him. We also eat in silence and I do not care if he’s here or not. I just love my children and that’s it. I wish me and them could just leave and never see him again. I sound awful, but it’s how I feel. What help have you found or what advice have you gotten?

      1. I’m in the same boat. I can’t stand him. It’s annoying. It doesn’t help that he wants to have his cake and eat it to. Ex:I work full time and he expects at all times full cooked meals and an immaculate house. Yet, he’s the messiest one in the house.

    2. Hi Chris, I feel the same way at 38. I have been in some form of a relationship from 13 until the present. I never felt like I had a chance to be on my own. Now I want this. I am tired of having to fight someone for what I want and need.

  15. My husband took me out to supper one night, and said, “What have you decided about paying off 1/2 of my debt?” When I told him I was still thinking, he said to me, “This Marriage is over!” Next day I confronted with him about his words! But now it’s 1 1/2 years later and his words curse my life because I gave up! We are still married, but recently I thought to myself that those words cursed my life, because I did give up! I did care if I lived or died! Long story

    1. Dump this jerk! He’s not worth your time or effort!! I’ve been married for over thirty seven years and I would never put up with that treatment!

  16. Wow, this is written like it’s always the man’s fault a marriage hits the rocks. Well, here to say most of the time, it’s Women wanting to act like men that ends marriages.

  17. What if your husband is an alcoholic and lies to you about it every chance he gets? He makes you feel like you are stupid for thinking he’s been drinking again? He is mean and belittling to everyone in the house? Puts everyone’s lives in danger by lying and drink driving? He doesn’t respect or value your opinion even when sober and treats you like one of the children? Or, what if you have considered suicide as a way to get away from him? Are those signs your marriage is over?

    1. I would think yes!! If you feel suicidal it’s 100% accurate that you should safely get out of the relationship asap. When we lose sight of who we are and feel hurt enough we feel suicidal it’s that very moment we must know a severe change needs to be made! You must choose to take care of your self first before you can start to help your husband with the way he feels about himself that drives him to treat you in this manner to begin with. Get yourself grounded and begin to work on what you feel is broken in you first. Once you start to see YOUR OWN needs and what is truly important to you without anyone else saving what they feel you can begin to build your marriage with a super strong foundation that can stand the storms that will come for any marriage. All marriages take 100% effort from both sides 50/50 is a good way to see it since as long as you both go 1/2 way you will always meet in the middle but you must remember you CAN ONLY do YOUR part. I hope this helped you. Be safe God bless and take care.

  18. I’m so bummed that this site isn’t for men! I’m 61 and for 39 married years I’ve wanted a wife who’s more emotional, more tender, gentle, understanding, sensual, feminine. Instead she’s bossy, managerial, unemotional, un-tender, right brain dominant to the max, etc! Now I have health issues and boy do I feel alone in this! No comforting from her at all! And sex ended many years ago, and recently I got on testosterone therapy for my overall health and depression, and even tho I’m a little frisky again, she wants no part of that! I’m ready for this marriage to be over! Maybe I can spend whatever years God gives me with a women who can be feminine with me in every respect. And if your wondering if we talk things out, yes we do, and she can only ever understand her side of things because of incredible stubbornness! Thanks for letting me vent!

    1. Adolph I do apologize that you are feeling the way you do. It happens to the best of us. Talking to my husband and is like
      Talking to a first grader being demoted to kindergarten. When an emotional, physical and spiritual wall is hard to tear down, then live for your own happiness. Be sure that you have done all you are suppose to do as her husband before you consider ending this marriage. Been there, doing that and getting my tshirt ready to wear. Good luck to you.

    2. Your wife did not chose to be the way she is. Its life that makes people the way they are. You obviously dont respect her for what she is and want her to be more clichee (feminine) and take her character as what it is.
      And then you wonder that she is bitter??!! Imagine she told you that your not masculine enought (Again with macsuline being a clichee) how would you feal?? Get away from the clichees and find the person behind them.
      Im in your terms a man, Im not bossy but Im unable to express emotions, I just caint. Still my husbands accepts it since I work, do the household take care of stuff, repair stuff (Im an engineer), so he accepts me as person not as clichee.

      regards Chris

      1. Seriously..? Don’t you think it’s a little general to say life makes someone that way. Of course it impacts, but sometimes people just turn cold. My wife did. No cheating, no huge dispute, just a total turn around to the point I now feel completely trapped as a Christian husband, married to a woman who show no tenderness.

    3. Thomas, I feel for you and hope you get the emotional support you need. I ended a relationship with a man who I thought was too emotional and married someone who is emotionally bankrupt. It is very hard.

  19. What if you’ve not had sex in 2 years and you feel total disconnection and you don’t even know if you love your spouse anymore

    1. This is exactly what is happening to me. We havent had sex in about a year. I try not to think about it but when I think about it I feel depressed…i have been married 18 years. I do not feel attracted to mu husband but I am terrified of getting divorced and regret

      1. Hi Sofia, I’m no marriage expert but you need to look after Sofia first. Confide in someone you trust, talking to someone helps. Good luck with everything. Cheers, Peter.

  20. I found out my husband was talking to his ex behind my back a few weeks ago and he knows how I feel about this person based on things she has done in the past to try to get between us. So, in some of the messages I saw, he had sent her a meme and said he loved her. She also sent a picture to him of her legs with the statement….here are a picture of my legs finally with an emoji wink and his response was…about damn time. She also sent him a picture of a house where they used to live just to ask him if that was the house they used to live in. When I asked him about this, he said he does still have a love for her because they have kids together but he is with me. I however am having a problem getting over this because in our entire marriage, 10 years, he has never sent me anything out of the blue like this to let me know he is thinking of me like he did with her. We got into a tiff and when I tried to call him he didn’t answer. In the past when he was mad, he would ignore me and not answer my calls which I figured he was doing again which just made me more angry so I continually called him. I also texted him expressing my feelings. He finally texted back and said he can’t handle my level of crazy anymore. I called him and he said I was crazy because I called him so much…even after I tried to explain this his is pattern when he is mad at me which I figured he was. He then told me I needed to get on medication because I needed and he can’t deal with me anymore. I did find out that he did respond to my text but it failed to go through…because I didn’t get this text is why I began going overboard with my phone calls. However, I do know what I did was wrong but I don’t think is justifies name calling. When I asked what he meant when he said he can’t do this anymore, he said he wasn’t saying anything at this time as far as what I can’t do this anymore means.. This is what he does when we get to this point. He tells me he doesn’t care about my feelings and I bother him. I know what I did was wrong but I don’t think I deserve the name calling or made to feel like I nor my feelings matter. I did comment that it would be nice to receive things like him like he does do other people and his response….keep accusing me and you will see what happens,,,,

  21. I have been married for 2 years and I met my husband at church. He was such a wonderful and amazing man that after dating for 7 months we got married. Once we moved in he changed so much… I get it once you move in together you get to know the REAL person you married. But mann did he show me who he really was. After having 2 kids we no longer have communication, happiness or sex. Its heartbreaking to be taken for granted and knowing you love that person but he did tell me straight to my face he is no longer happy nor gets excited about me.

  22. Pretty much all of these signs are in my marriage. I am tired of trying. I feel like I am not the woman my husband needs and we should have never gotten married.
    He says mean things to me all the time, the most hurtful one was after we lost a baby, he said he didn’t see me as a mother that he didn’t wanna have children with me because I wouldn’t be a good mother and of course he has told me several times that he doesn’t love me.

  23. I’m jealous of my husbands happiness. When we met I was powerful, confident, thin, and a single mom of two kiddos. I was trying to get clean at the time and we fell in love so I moved back home and took him with me. We have been clean and married just over 6 years now and in the earlier of those years there was a distrust between us due to secrets he was keeping in regards to communication with other women from his work. I had 2 previous relationships that were very abusive and involved horrible heartbreaking incidents of cheating. My programming is all screwey and i have serious trust issues when it comes to my husband talking to females. He’s 7 years younger then me, wakes up happy and has no issues making friends. He is really smart and is working a job that is constantly building him up and promoting him because they see how great he is. My hope was that we would grow in happiness together as a married couple, but somewhere I fell behind. I struggle to find things to be happy about, I have a job I hate, no real friendships, and I gained weight and am now fat which I have never been. We have lost connection emotionally, physically, and spritually and I can feel that I am holding him back from being happy in life. When you know that you are the problem and see no fix in sight, it might be time to just let him go…..

  24. This is what has been happening with me. I’ve been married for a little over a year my soon to be ex has only talked twice about our relationship issues and this is only after she left twice and we worked everything out. But that’s the only time she has talked to me about our relationship. She was never willing to talk but those two times. We have had many issues that needed to be talked about but she refuses she calls me every thing in the book and belittles me she will text me saying all this but refuses to sit down and talk about our issues. Example of her getting mad: I would ask her a question she would reply saying you’re an idiot why would you ask that you’re stupid and it was a simple question like do you still want to go town this weekend. One other example I was making supper I was cutting an onion she say why you cutting that onion like that I say that’s how I was taught she say that’s stupid you’re a moron. I have spoiled her I helped with cooking cleaning laundry do all the yard work but nothing is ever good enough and one minute she is all good and the next she is pissed over stupid things. She has left again my question is should I just say screw it and justhave nothing to do with her?

    1. I think you should leave. She sounds extremely abusive and unwilling to work with you. If you can’t get someone to work with you then it’s basically over.

  25. This is my story my husband is in prison doing 25 to life done 23 i knew him before prison Started writing him as i was married to someone else as a friend divorce writing him yet he asked me to marry him i didn’t answer several several months later married someone else divorce writing him yet i was scared first time asked can i do a marriage like that all that time i married him now7 years He has got very mean controling and disrespectful within last 6 months he has applied for sentence reduction which may come though for him He as done very well programs looks good for his second chance I am his only family basically with his attitudes its time i feel do i give up but i want it to work but he thinks its me not him he knows attitude help

  26. Hello,
    I have been married for 51 years. I have 3 children and 4 beautiful grandsons. I have worked from the time I have been 5 and went in business for myself after quitting school at 16 and through through the years made a fine living and gave my family what I never had,spoiling them for the most part. When things changed was prior to having our children after marriage, by the way my wife and I courted for 3 years and never had sex. My wife is a very pretty women then and now at 68. I use to drink at times and that would cause to her to say I was drunk weather I had one drink or 10. My goal in life has always been to provide for my family and now to make sure that when I die my wife will be able to live without having to work, and that is place with a secure income not a lot but one she will live a decent life.
    My problem is I’m not able to reason with her at all over the last few years, only if it’s in line with what she thinks is right. I’ve reached a point where I can’t go on arguing over stupid things because it’s at the point that I can’t deal with it and I don’t even care if my life ended. I have some health issues as well. By no means am I saying it’s always her fault, but I’m sick of it. If she told me to leave I would just to have a piece of mind. She doesn’t want me to have a dog, which I’ve had in the past,she gets upset over basically nothing and has an attitude till I apologize for something that wansnt even my fault. I’m not perfect by any means. This is a a very SMALL idea of want I have to deal wIth daily.
    Yes there are good times to. NOW WHAT????? 🤔🤔🤔 PLEASE EXCUSE any mispelled words and inaccurate sentences.

  27. Really Confused
    I am a 60 year old female who has been married for 27 years. Six years ago I was let go from my job after 18 years of service (I worked with my husband). A year later I became really depressed and physically ill. I was later told that I had Major Depressive disorder and fibromyalgia. It was at this point my marriage troubles started. My husband began coming home from work each night and verbally abusing me to the point that I had considered suicide. Fortunately I got help through a therapist about that but my husband continued to berate me with words like your not sick just lazy, (the list goes on). Tried lots of marriage fixing such as counseling, (he would not go) to exercise, yoga etc. Fast forward to the present. I got on a new medication and following the advice of my therapist started going out with friends more and during one of these outings I got the chance to start working doing promotion work within the music industry. During this work I made new friends and one of whom I became fairly close with advised me to try again with my marriage. Oh my husband gives me such a hard time about my new found job and friends. I now see that what I want out of this prison called my marriage but I am fearful about being alone at my age. What will happen if I get really sick again or just end up being alone all the time, I’m scared and need advice from someone who is not so close to the trees, if you get my drift. Signed Really confused.

    1. Cynthia, I cried reading your comment because I have had a lot of the same feelings during my 13 year marriage. I am 38 now. I dread the day I get laid off.

      I do hope you are taking care of yourself.

  28. Sadly my story is truly bizarre 3 years ago my hubby was seeing hooker he denied it I caught him meeting one at the gas station when he said he had, to be there at one one oclock I thought that was suspicious so I insisted on going with him a very attractive blonde came running to the right at one oclock when see saw me she turned on her heal he let on as if nothing was wrong few weeks I was out pretty sure saw him with the same blonde in our car . he denied it again we went to counselor and even the counselor told him it was pretty dam suspicious he still denied it then he got very ill at the hospital it was discovered he had hepc that had gone into livercancer,still he wouldn,t admit he passed away the last thing he did was call for her I guess her name was Kathy no one knew any one by that name… So now I have to life with burned in my heart and memories the resentment the anger grief he was only with me because of security money I am sure our kids thought he was the greatest man so does everyone else its a nightmare ..Like the counselor said selfishness and most likely sex addiction …….its hell after7mths I think I will make it but my trust is gone…since seen the same women working the streets..

    1. I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how you struggle to deal with knowing he never told the truth. Lies are so hard to deal with. I pray that everything is better now in your life. May God grant you peace to move on be happy.

  29. Married almost 11 years, the entire marriage has been rocky, in and out of counseling. Brady bunch family, married into her and her 16yo daughter with my 4yo daughter, had a daughter together. Was told early on I have no say with her daughter, daughter is grown now and married. Was told frequently I suck as a husband, father etc and was routinely threatened with divorce when I raised any issues over the years. I have often thought of leaving (escaping) but haven’t because I don’t want to hurt kids or then I have thoughts of did I try hard enough, do everything I can. Btw she was diagnosed before she met me with anxiety and depression. I am a neat and organized man raised by my mother and grandmother – only child – raised the old fashioned way – had a step father who was nice at times but more times than not was an ass to my mom. As for my marriage, the threat of divorce has been there for duration, also my wife has diagnosed me over the years with bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, narcissism, passive aggressive and several other ailments, all of which I’ve researched to understand if there was any evidence of that fact. I’ve sought the help of counselors to gain clarity, gone to church, in couples therapy right now using Gottman tools to help and nothing seems to help. When we argue she ends up winning or dominating the conversation, when conversation gets tough and she doesn’t like what she is hearing, she says I’m reaching my limit and then says we need a pause and will pick this up later, then it’s awkward silence and avoiding until we address it again or sometimes we just drop it. We spend much of our non working hours out pursuing personal interests and occasionally join up for kids sports events. She dominates the relationship with our daughter we had together, I’m pretty much cut out of parenting her and only allowed freedom of parenting of my daughter who is now 16. Obviously I’m looking for answers and trying to figure out what to do. I want to be happy and have peace in my life – I’m tired of chasing my tail around in circles. I’m a good honest caring man who loves and puts his family first. Cleans the house, folds laundry, cooks dinner, makes kids events, works 50 hours a week and trying to hang on to this marriage for self, wife, kids. Insight welcome.

  30. If your married and you go and listen to your Husband’s ex’s what is this a sign of??? My marriage is about to end and my wife has let my 3 ex’s into our marriage… She said that she was a woman of GOD but who does this… Do you find this action immature at some point… Then she did bring in baggage from an early marriage etc… We could never talk after she started talking to them… She said it was better to talk with them than me… So I left the house… She has 4 kids that I was taking care of that were not mine… She never looked at this… Each night was about the ex’s etc… I grew tired of this abuse and I felt it was time to move on… Then the looking in my phone… Then asking me why I don’t cheat on her etc… When her ex’s all 3 did cheat on her… Give me your thoughts please of what is wrong with her because she thinks she is perfect and nothing is wrong with her… I am the problem…

    1. Maybe you need to look inward inward at your heart and why you have three exs instead of hers. You can’t fix her but you can fix you.

      1. Maybe you did not understand… My wife is talking to 3 of my ex’s girlfriends and one is when I was in my 20’s… I am 42 now and my wife 39… Why is she talking to them it is immature… I am a liar now and I hear this because of the ex’s and it’s sad for me… I left my wife Dec 2016 and it did hurt a lot cause I did truly love her… I could not deal with the talking about my ex’s each night etc… I was feeling so bad that I had to think about my health first… I am never right she is and nothing I do is ever right… So I had to leave that situation… Why are people this way and it seem like they can’t see it…

        1. I’m sorry. I did misunderstand. I thought it was three exwives. I know you pain…I just gave up on my husband love more than life today. Our spouses have OCPD obsessive Compulsive Personalty Disorder which is not the same as OCD. Read about it. It was not till I read about it that I understood. I can do nothing right…I never have. I make twice his salary and take care of monetary things more so than he does. He bitched, groans,complains, cuts be down, I can do nothing right, clean nothing right, he dominates every minute of my time when he is here and when he isn’t here. Leaves me lists of work to do to keep me busy on my off days and I work 50 hours per week…I’m exhausted with him and it’s taking scroll on my health. The rants, fits and rage…I just can’t take…I gave up today and told him I wanted a divorce..I just wanna die

  31. Where the F is the answers for husbands?!?! Is it always the mans fault? My wife is crazy, won’t take her meds. I bend over backwards. She WONT work and I work 60 hours a week . not because I want to but because she lives outside my means. F you and your gender specific answers for the signs a marriage is over.

    1. I believe you Scott and I’m a woman. Mine won’t take meds or even go for counseling. He has Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder and living with him is a LIVING NIGHTMARE…NOTHING IS EVER GOID ENOUGH OR HIS FAULT…I CANT TAKE IT….AND THIS COMMUNICATING CRAP….YOU CANT COMMUNICATE WITH SOMEONE WHO LIES TO YOU AND THEN TELLS YOU THAT YOU MADE HIM DO IT!! HANG IN THERE AND TAKE HER MONEY AWAY…NO JOB…NO MONEY…SHE HAS TOO MUCH TIME ON HER HANDS!

    2. Mrs.FuzzyDuckling

      All of these answers apply to both genders, but you are so angry you can’t see past the pronouns in the article. You’ve taken a practical choice, this website is aimed at women, as other websites are aimed at men, and turned into a slight against you. If you do that with a website then it’s a safe bet you do that in your personal relationships as well, this is really going to hurt your chances of being able to successfully communicate what’s hurting you to your partner. When you approach someone in anger it immediately creates defensiveness, an urge to fend off, repulse, and retaliate. Being calm and flexible is not the same thing as being passive, you can disagree and still see smokeless point (regardless of whether or not that point is valid). Approach your feelings, problems, and arguments calm and collected. This means you need to have examined and accepted your own flaws first, and be able to weather the invective that will be thrown at you. You also need to remain on point, which is hard when you feel like a big list of wrongs have been perpetrated. It seems that the big thing for you is that your wife doesn’t respect your time, she might not know she does that ( My family is old world and thinks it’s shameful for a woman to work and that it’s disrespectful for her husband not to provide as much as possible). I try thinking about it first from the defensive perspective of the other person first, “its your fault because”, “I may be bad but your worse”, etc, it’s easy because we all have those thoughts when we feel we are being attacked. My husband used to have temper tantrums at first, then he started really listening and we resolve things. Now, he uses my own approach on me when my hackles are raised!
      Give it a shot, it might not change things with you wife but you’ll benefit regardless.

  32. I don’t know what to do my husband and I have been together 11 years married 6 and 8 weeks ago he walked out saying he doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t want to save our marriage. He gone to stay at his brothers but only took a few clothes and doesn’t want any thing else.
    We only just brought a house together, two new cars and booked a holiday for this year now his Saying he was unhappy for over a year. He doesn’t want to discuss sorting finances out or visiting his daughter and refuses to change his address details so all his mail still comes here but he want collect, he says he wants a divorce but in no rush.
    I know his built. Relationship with a girl at work he was supporting last year as she has problems but I don’t know if there just friend a or more but his family and friends have told me since he left he has been so unhappy, I don’t know what to believe is my marriage over or is there chance he could come back with time.

  33. Dear Aly,

    You and your husband have been through a lot together over the past 20 years! Is it possible that your marriage is over because of this? I don’t know. It’s scary and unnerving to think that your marriage is over after all this time, and it sounds like your heart is broken over this experience and argument.

    What do you think about this argument with your husband? Have you and he experienced arguments like this before? Has he given you the silent treatment like this before? Have you guys gone to counseling, or worked through other serious fights before?

    I encourage you to keep writing about your thoughts and feelings. I think you’ll find that you know more about your marriage and your husband then you think you know… And the best way to figure complicated questions out is to write about them. Writing helps you sort through your thoughts and emotions, and discover the truth that maybe hidden deep within you. I encourage you to write in your private journal, or here if you’d like. I’m happy to be a sounding board, but I don’t give marriage advice and I can’t offer counseling.

    Here’s an article that may help get you through this current week or so of silence from your husband:

    5 Tips for Dealing With the Silent Treatment in a Relationship
    http://howloveblossoms.com/how-to-deal-with-silent-treatment-relationships/

    How have things been going lately?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  34. My husband and I have been together over 20 years, married for 16. We have a 6 year old son. A few days ago I clicked on one of his Instagram followers and saw a beautiful women who had a bunch of lingerie pictures posted. I noticed that my husband had “liked” every single one of them. This really struck a jealousy cord. He hasn’t even “liked” all of my Instagram pictures! I worked through the emotions of insecurity and actually read online about how I should tell him that it bothered me that he liked her pictures. Honestly I didn’t think he wanted to cheat or anything, it just hurt my feelings.
    A few days later, after we were intimate, I decided to bring it up. He was furious! I told him that I trusted him, and honestly it didn’t bother me that he “looks”, just please don’t “like” the pictures.
    Well, it turned in to a huge argument about how I don’t trust him and how he sacrifices so much (being more stay at home Dad, living close to my job, etc). I get all that, but I do trust him! He refused to believe me, and then it opened up a floodgate of his emotions on how he thinks I’m selfish and I’m a horrible person for all of this.
    Had I known that it would have led to this, I would never had said a thing!
    I thought he’d say, “ok, I didn’t realize it bothered you”. Instead he completely lost it! I’m scared that I’ve lost him. In his rage he even said “I can’t stand you” “now I have to delete all social media” “I cant do anything without you watching my every move” “I’m done”
    He has friends that cheat on their wives, and now he’s acting like I think he’s one of them.
    In all our years together I have had trust issues. Not because of anything he’s done, but more out of insecurities. But it’s been a really long time.
    I’m stuck now because he’s just not talking to me. This just happened last night, so I imagine this will be a week of silent treatment and looks of disgust. He doesn’t want to talk about it. There is obviously more underlying issues on the table now. He says he feels like a 1950’s housewife.
    Is my marriage over? I’m devastated.

      1. I agree with Cathy, Aly. You struck a deep nerve for something. I am so sorry. I have just realized my husband of almost 30 years was not the man he pretended to be either. And he pretended the entire marriage, while rejecting me to the point I have been in what is considered a sexless marriage. I was a beautiful, happy, intelligent girl once but now that I am ill and old he told me he is a sex addict, that he has fantasies about every women I’ve ever been close to, that he took my (soon to become) best friend for sex the day before our wedding and the reason his suit was not ready was because he wasn’t planning on going through with it, that he wanted to leave me for her for the first 3-1/2 years of marriage… when his ‘first’ disclosure got past 6 women and he mentioned how full of life and energy my granddaugther was I exploded. She is/was 6 years old at the time. He goes after anything with a pulse and is one of the guys that masturbate in public hoping to get caught — even in areas with children. However, I thought he was a shy, sweet, creative and gentle man who would never harm a soul and didn’t have a dishonest bone is his body. He has enjoyed letting me know what a fool I was… then he retreats and becomes the person I thought he was, but this is only because he hasn’t gotten his next victim lined up. After I realized something didn’t feel right (illness can bring incredible clarity) then he took his mask off, and he was an insect wearing an Edgar suit. Truly evil, manipulative and cunning — not one bit like who I believe for my entire adult life. My shock just can’t settle down.

  35. I too am in the same position, I see the signs my marriage is over. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years but am only 26 yr’s old. I started dating my husband at the age of 14 he is 9 yr’s older than me. We have two kids a 9 yr old and 4 yr old. I try to stay positive because of them but I just no longer feel that emotional aspect towards my hubby. I don’t feel love for him even when we have inter course it’s just not there. I am just wondering since am only 26 and been with him since 14 I jumped to soon. He’s a wonderful person very working, what ever I want I get, but the love from me to him is no longer there. It bothers me when he touches me or hugs me or kisses me. I don’t know what he will do if I decide to separate he’s not a strong soul very low self esteem person.

    Also I have my children and don’t know how to explain to them about our marriage. But I am just not happy. I see other attractive men and am attracted to them. But have not cheated on my husband and I know he will never cheat on me. I just don’t know I also don’t feel amused by him I feel like a women should be proud of her partner and that’s just not my case. I take care of all the bills and problems of the house and feel like I have so much in my plate. We never go any where because there’s just no money ever. No vacation no nothing I think that has also taken a toll on me. I feel like am ready for something different. I cry every time after we have inter course just because I don’t feel anything I pretty much have to fake. And it hurts because this is not a life I want I feel and know that I have so much more ahead of me. But his low self esteem is what holds me back. Because he does love me but the feeling is not mutual.

    Also sometimes I just want to go out with some girl friends but my hubby gets up set than its transfer to me so I don’t go. He tells me after the big face go but tell your mom to baby sit cuz am not, I tell him go out you too but since he doesn’t have much friends other than his family he expects me to stay home too. If I go do my hair, nails ect it’s like how long, what Are we going to ect. I don everything other than fixing the house that’s all him but anything else pay bills, look for work estimates, buying things ect all me. He just works really hard at work n home but never any time for us alone or for me sometimes I just want to run. I currently work and go to school for psychology which am treating myself first. I just feel like there’s no me time I never get a break. And when he tells me ok let’s go out I just don’t feel like it. I don’t feel attracted to him, I feel like I am missing out on things and am not one to regret because I love my kids and will do that all over again but at the same time I feel like I had to child hood myself having my daughter at 16 and being with my hubby since 14 but married 3 yr’s ago.

    It feels good to be able to write what I feel in one way or another it feels like am relieving something off.

    1. Same thing only been married 17 years been with him since 13/14 got married at 18 I feel trapped and neither one is happy have four kids with him and he’s cheated multiple times jus don’t want it anymore and tired.

  36. Dear Terrilyn,

    Finding out what makes you happy – what makes you come ALIVE! – is the best way to cope with the end of your relationship.

    You inspired me to write this article:

    How to Be Happy Single When You Wish You Were Married
    http://blossomtips.com/how-to-be-happy-single-want-to-get-married/

    Even if you’re still married, or you’re just starting to notice the signs your marriage is over, you must learn what makes you happy. Where is life for you, what makes you feel good and strong and full of joy? Go there, and stay there.

    In peace and passion,
    Laurie

  37. Long before my husband left me, I saw the signs my marriage was over. I couldn’t accept it, though. It was overwhelming and depressing even though I know deep in my heart that I’m better off without him. Now that our divorce is final and I am officially single I need to find ways to be happy. How do you be happy after a divorce, when you’re single and you’d rather be married?

  38. Michelle, what would it feel like if you decided not to accept this life?

    How are you benefiting from staying in this marriage?

    Can you see yourself living this way for the rest of your life?

    1. Its been 4 years of marriage now, an arranged marriage. My husband loved someone else and they were about to get married, but the girl ran away with somebody else. My husband doesn’t listen to me, doesn’t care about me or my kids. He comes home at 2am or 3am in the night. Why is it like this?

  39. I’ve been married for 18 years and I’m so broken hearted over the fact that I’ve fallen out of love with my husband. He is a good man in the sense that he doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble. I know he would never cheat on me. But his investment into our marriage is “in his words” financial. Provides everything I need and want. When I’ve mentioned it’s emotional that our marriage lacks, he finds it funny. I’ve been to counseling and I have tried to use the right words to express myself, I’ve tried to take the correct steps to fix myself. I’ve boiled it down to our marriage is physical but not emotional. And I don’t know how to keep going with such a huge missing piece. I almost worry that I’m just delusional and that a mans desire to make his wife emotionally happy is unreal. I’m exhausted and I’ve just given in and am going through the motions and it’s killing me to just accept this is life.

  40. Hannah,

    Have you tried counseling to help you get over the images you have in your mind of your husband cheating? It’s important for you to learn how to forgive, especially if you don’t want your marriage to be over! Both marriage and individual therapy can help you and your husband move past this.

    It’ll take time, and effort…but if you and your husband both want to save your marriage, then you will do it! You can rebuild and reunite, and you will feel healthy and strong again.

    Talk to a counselor. Read books about getting over a difficult problem in marriage. Learn how to love your husband again.

    I’ll keep you in my prayers. May you find peace and joy, even through the healing process.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  41. Hi i really hope for some guidance.
    Me and my husband have been together for 12 years and married for 6 we have 2 children we have hit a really rocky patch, he was working 18 hours shifts no intemacy and i had a gambling problem. this week i have caught him cheating he has been leaving and coming back for the last month and in that time he formed a relationship with a local know marriage wrecker she prays on relationships that she knows are going through tough times. i initially threw him out, but i have taken him back but i am struggling with the images, im struggling with all the lies that has been told, and i am struggling with the fact that he is defending her. I really love him and i want to get us through this, but im not sure how to re build our relationship?

  42. Dear Marie,

    Thank you for sharing your story – it sounds like you and your husband have been through so much in the 50 years you’ve known each other! You’ve worked through some really tough times together.

    When I read your comment, I wondered how you fill your life. What are you passionate about – or even mildly interested in? What are you involved in, who are you outside of being a wife? What occupies your thoughts, talents, gifts, and abilities?

    I wonder if you’re focusing on your marriage because you don’t have anything else in your life?

    You inspired me to write this article:

    4 Ways to Get Out When You’re Stuck in a Rut
    http://theadventurouswriter.com/she/getting-out-stuck-in-a-rut/

    I encourage you to explore the world around you. I know you have arthritis and that makes it difficult, but maybe your main problem isn’t whether or not your marriage is over…maybe it’s that you don’t have anything in your life that brings you alive.

    Just a few thoughts, which you asked for 🙂 I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, that you find the answers you’re searching for.

    xo
    Laurie

  43. Married for 45 years, husband cheated with same woman for 16 years. Been to counselling, numerous chats, still together, but a lot of joy has gone out of my life. He is still working long hours, and now working away overnight 2 nights/3 days a week and I am home, with arthritis, dwelling sometimes on the deceit and lies I have encountered over the years, with him messing with my head making me feel neurotic when I wasn’t. I have lovely holidays, beautiful home, possessions, jewellery etc and I still have this terrible emptiness inside me. We are together because deep down we still love one another and have 50 years together. Sometimes I feel trapped because I couldn’t leave him and be happy at the expense of his unhappiness. He says he is happy but I don’t know if he can be. Any advice.

    1. I’m sorry to tell you . This but your marriage is over and has been for 16 yrs. He does not love you he comes home because he made a commitment he broken a huge bulk of it but . He cant seem to move on he has to hear from you that hes no longer need it then he would leave . But honestly he does not love you …. Love is kind faithful and true theirs no lies or deceit in it so stop making up excuses for him . Now Im married Im a christian My husband never love me but I married him because I did I could not sed myself with anyone else he complete me so I turn the other cheek but Im not in no way delusion to think he cares. I will never divorce him. But he wants out I would let him go . Im a christian I do not beleive in divorce so I would only marry again if he dies

  44. I get daily emails from a website called Brave Girls Club. Sometimes they speak right to my heart, other times they offer practical advice for dealing with the problems life brings.

    Here’s what I got today:

    Dear Lovely Girl,

    Sometimes we just need to put a hold on looking for what is wrong and do our very best to look for what is right. This is a wonderful break from the brain-bending burden of looking for what is wrong in situations, in people, in places, in ourselves.

    Optimism has magic in it. Looking for beauty and truth and what is right has magic in it. No matter where you are, you can find something about that place that is beautiful, true or good, even if it is simply the lessons you are able to learn there. Look for what is RIGHT about where you are. No matter what situation you are in, there is something good to find inside of it. Look for what is RIGHT about a situation. No matter who you are with, you will be able to look in their eyes and see their value, finding something wonderful and good in that person. Look for what is RIGHT about others.

    Most importantly, no matter what mistakes you have made, no matter how disappointed you are, no matter what has happened, you can ALWAYS find your own value, you can always look for what is RIGHT about yourself and take a break from looking for what is wrong. SEE what is right about you, beautiful beautiful amazing you.

    You are so loved.
    Please see it.
    xoxo

    1. Thank you for this. I think that is my problem. I have looked for everything that is wrong. I am going to do my best to hold my high and just keep pushing until I can do better. I am just angry with myself for over looking the signs with I first started dating my husband. I guess I need to forgive myself for believing in him. For giving him the benefit of the doubt.

    2. Sounds nice in theory but I can never stay consistent with that advice for saving a marriage. I’m always angry and I feel like I just don’t love enough or care enough to mind my p’s and q’s anymore.

  45. I read your article, I understand that no one can tell me when I’ve had enough. But Iam 38 , with 5 kids. I have a 20 year old son who is expecting his 1st, with his gf, I have 13 year old triplet daughters, and a 12 year old son. My husband and I have been married 16 years, he has also been “married ” to the military for 17 years. We are an active duty family. Yes I say we, I’ve watched him pack up for 6 different deployments, some almost broke his soul. Anyway… the loves not there. I reach out to touch him, and he dosent return the favor, we used to snuggle in bed, when one person would move or shift, the other followed, now I usually sleep with a body pillow so I can have comfort. I need help or get sick, I have to do it alone, it was one thing when he couldn’t be here, but now he chooses not to be. He says basically that everything that happens, is my fault. I look at this man, and it’s not just the children I gave him, or saving his life a few times, but everything he took, stole, robbed and broke me of. I try to hold on, part of me dosent want to be in that 78% marriage fail rate, or the fact if we fail, did I f*$k up? But Iam tired. Lonely. Dissapointed. Lost. Hurt and angry. Where did I get so weak. How can I hold on for just a few more years till our kids are out of the house. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

  46. My wife is 41 I’m 56. Been together 10 yrs married 9 yrs. It’s been 9 yrs of verbal, emotional and psychological abuse from her. To start, she has a complex about having small breasts. I have no problem with them. I’m not allowed to touch them, not even during sex, which now is down to once a month. Even then it’s a fight. We don’t ever “make love”. It’s just quick sex. If I try to initiate sex, it doesn’t happen. If i persist she becomes irate, obscene and it’s a big fight. I’m not allowed to caress or to kiss her. Sex is only when she initiates it. No passion or foreplay. I’ve been begging and pleading for years. We fight and argue all the time, even about simple things. The next morning she would be all cheery as if nothing happened and I of course would not be. I keep telling her she’s destroying our marriage. What complicates it is that at the beginning I put up $63K to purchase our home with a mortgage. We also have a 5 yr old son that lives with us. My first boy child. I have 4 grown girls. The abuse over the years has taken a toll and I”m ready to end the marriage. I just can’t take it anymore. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Multiply it by 10 steady years, month after month, week after week. EVERYDAY!!!

  47. Laurie,

    My wife and I have been together for 3 years. We rushed into things (met and married within a year). We have a 2 year old and a child on the way. I’m concerned that we’re growing apart. Some background on her: She doesn’t have much of an education, comes from an impoverished and (extremely abusive) family, lacks a lot of motivation for even daily chores (picking up after oneself for instance), and relegates her time to being on the phone at the expense of properly caring for our child. When I met her, she worked hard to try and support her family (basically they light money on fire and can’t afford food b/c of mismanagement). After marriage, she’ll lay about the house making sure our “child is still alive” (she’ll plop the kid in front of the TV for MUCH longer than we agreed was healthy and nap much longer also to what we agreed upon. She’ll then lie about it). The home is largely neglected: cockroaches, flies, and mice don’t bother her (neither does mold, bacteria, or giant mounds of dirty laundry and stuff cluttering the floor. And this is with me picking up after myself –and our child when I have time–). Before people jump on my back, when we met she expressed her undying wish to be a stay-at-home mom more than anything in the world. I work two jobs to make that happen. I manage our funds, health, food, utilities and keep her up to date with it all as I’m teaching her how I’m managing money and such. She shows a lack of motivation to fully involve herself with our child, has a terrible habit of lying, no motivation to manage the house, and doesn’t really manage her own hygiene. Further, I feel like she just doesn’t care that much about it. This is compounded by stubbornness that eventually costs big bucks when she neglects her health and then she needs surgery or something costing us thousands rather than pennies if she kept up with herself.

    I’ve tried three approaches. 1) Loving, supportive husband offering ‘it’s okay, try again’ attitude for quite a while. Result: She is happy, I’m not b/c things don’t get done. 2) Ignore how bad it is. Result: She is fine, I’m not. Things don’t get done. 3) I communicate how she is not measuring up to her responsibilities. Result: She either gets extremely defensive, mad, or says ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’ Eventually we do and SOMETIMES she accepts and things get better. And when I say better, I mean I set SMALL goals for her in hopes she’ll master them to help her to new ones. She’ll do those small goals for a week or two, month max. Example is when you sweep you have to put the stuff you sweep into the trash and not just leave it in a pile for months. But inevitably, she returns to her base behavior. She suggested therapy to help her move away from her abused past so we agreed to pay out for a year of it. Now she’s not in it and has basically dismissed the goals/rules the counselor told her to keep. When we talk about any issues in our marriage she gets extremely mad and defensive. I’m not a perfect man and am open to criticism and self-improvement, but I provide for my family the best I can, keep them safe, and am trying to help. Frankly, I don’t feel like she’s pulling her own weight. If she knows she’s in trouble or did nothing that day, she’ll try to hide that fact by various means. Lies, kisses, sex, playing ignorance, etc… Sometimes I feel like our ‘marriage’ was a means to an end b/c I am nice and she knew I could provide for her so she made up a personality to escape the hell hole she came from (and it was a hell hole) but now reverted to a past self. What do I do? I thought a husband and wife were supposed to ‘work’ together and put the needs of the other above themselves. Any guidance would be appreciated.

    1. I found this post interesting. I am a stay at home mom (I only work a few hours a week). My husband is a good, moral, decent man. That will never change. But he used to be loving, caring, affectionate and helpful and that definitely changed. That being said, I try to take my job as a stay at home mom seriously. I do not expect him to do any “female” chores. Beyond being our sole financial support, he maintained all cars, the lawn, the trash and any major home renovation. I do the smaller ones. I’m not perfect, but I do my jobs. If I am down sick for 2 days, the house becomes an absolute h*ll hole. He has stopped even picking up after himself. I don’t say a word. But numerous times, during a bad argument he has complained that I do nothing. This not only hurts my feelings but it’s like “why am I even bothering?” And then it makes me question myself if I really am not pulling my weight. I mean, I really do try. But yes, sometimes I don’t get all the laundry done. Or maybe 1 day it’s the dishes and the next its a bathroom. I mean, I have many chores….and most days I would say I get 90% of it done. So each day there is something new that I didn’t get to I guess. He said it wouldn’t be acceptable at his work for him to not get everything done and he resents the fact that I don’t have anyone I have to answer to but he does. I don’t know. I just start to feel like I am failing. Some of these women seem to have it so together. Makeup done, not a hair out of place, kids beautifully dressed, house immaculate…I can’t seem to get there. And constantly feel bad.

    2. Hi Tom,
      Although your wife professed that she desired to be a homemaker, it’s pretty obvious that she doesn’t have the proper training and skills. If I were you, I’d suggest her gaining employment. That way your children would be properly cared for (Childcare facility) and she’d be in an environment where she’d have structure and accountability. I’d be terrible for her upbringing and behavior to be passed on to your children. Also another wonderful possibility could be parenting classes. You mentioned her frequency with using her phone, there are excellent videos on YouTube uploaded by other homemakers with tutorials such as cleaning, cooking and caring for children.

  48. Nobody can tell you for sure if your marriage is over, or if you can rebuild your relationship. Sometimes our relationships surprise us! Other times, they just keep deteriorating. Maybe it’s because we don’t put the time and effort in, or maybe it’s because they were doomed to start with. I don’t know.

    I think a good first step is finding a counselor who can help you get strong emotionally and spiritually. If you’re strong and grounded, you’ll be able to make good decisions about your life and marriage. You can’t change your spouse, but you can change your perspective and response to your relationship.

    What do you think you could do? Is there anything that might have a strong impact on your life?

  49. I’ve married to my husband for 1 1/2 years and together for 5. I’m 25 but feel 70. I have 3 young babies with him. He’s not a bad father but not such a good husband. All we do is argue, he mismanages all of our money. Sometimes we barely pay the bills. We started a small business together so we share the money but somehow he spends it all. We can never communicate. We never resolve any of our problems because we just argue until were tired. I’m never in the mood to be intimate but I force myself so I won’t have to hear his mouth. I’ve tried new things with him sexually but every time I try something new the next day it’s some other weird stuff. He wants to do a lot for someone who doesn’t make me feel “special”. He didn’t get me anything for my birthday. We barely go anywhere and when he does do something it just feels like he’s prepping me for sex later instead of doing it because he cares for me. I don’t feel any sparks just stress. I know neither one of us are truly happy. I try to just hold it in and hope things get better but he irritates me so bad with his need to debate all the time. I’ve tried multiple approaches to fix our problems but I only get 2 results, 1.he gets angry and we argue 2. He plays the victim. I don’t know what to do.

  50. Hi, I’ve been married to my wife for 5 years and together for 7. We have 2 amazing children, life got in the way and we were not around for each other enough but still knew we loved each other. My wife went off sex after the birth of our first born. 6 months ago cheated while away on a hen do. States was nothing more than a kiss, but send messages and photos when came home for a period of weeks. She says she’s 50/50 and doesn’t know what she wants. 6 months later she still texts this man, stating it’s just a friendship now, and still won’t commit, says 50/50, and won’t be physically intimate (not even cuddling on sofa/in bed). Am I wasting my time? Can she come back to me or should I now walk?

  51. Hello Lauire,
    My name is Aaliyah I am 26 and so is my
    Husband. We got married 3 months ago but we lived together for 1 year and 3 months. I only knew my husband for a year and dated him for 6 months before we got married. He was so nice
    And sweet to me. After living together out of college he didn’t have a job and I did. I helped provide for him . Then he got a job and we both held down the house and bills together. I quit my job and got another one after 2 weeks. Then he lost his job. We have Soo many bills. I am losing interest in him. He has gained a lot of weight, he doesn’t clean (just dishes ). Also when we go out on dates he is yawning and not talking to me. I feel like he is bored with me. He likes to stay in the house all
    The time and watch tv. I love to dress up and go out. He isn’t passionate ,
    I don’t get gifts , sometimes I feel like this isn’t the right marriage down my future. Also a lot of
    Times he ignores his previous debt, and I take that very serious. I feel like I am raising a child sometimes. He said he feel awkward when going out and he has to observe his surroundings. I just don’t know what to do. I find my self looking for another outlet. Like going out and having good good convo with others. One time we were all drinking me and my friends and he aggressively choked me. I almost went to my exs house that night I was so upset. We made up but I felt that was because of liquor. I am trying to bring some passion back
    I’ve read articles saying I must create it and he will follow. I love roses , hidden gifts , even a card? I am bored and gainined weight with him watching tv all the time. I love him but I don’t know what to do. I need passion and good convo ..
    He seems like he’s always on his phone and not showing much interests. He loves sex
    But not educational conversations.

  52. Thank you for being here, and having the strength and courage to share what you’re experiencing.

    Is your marriage worth fighting for, or is it over? I don’t know the answer, but I do believe that you can save your marriage if you try. You can’t change your husband, and you can’t stop him from ending your relationship…but you can change how you respond to him. This doesn’t mean you let him walk all over you, or you force yourself to become someone you’re not.

    Changing how you respond involves taking a step back, and carefully considering what to say and do. I found it helpful to talk to a counselor, because I didn’t know what my “triggers” where, and how my behavior affected my husband. If you need help with your marriage, I encourage you to talk to a counselor, and get an objective and balanced perspective.

    I’m sorry I don’t have more concrete advice or answers for you, but I will keep you in my prayers.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

    1. great comment
      all you can do is work on you and change things for the better, I wanted my marriage to work got coaching read books & websites. shes told me shes confused doesnt know what she wants and if we can make things better, she wants to be happy
      right now I’m choosing to file for divorce for closure, I’m open to reconciling but realise you cant make someone do something they don’t want or eben know what it is they want or need

      I’m choosing to let go in a loving way, I’m happy knowing I stood for my marriage that I leave with happy memories and thoughts, I still think the world of her and her family

      if she does find what it is she wants and needs I may be there but I wont be waiting ive got goals and plans no one never knows what will happen.

      thank you laurie for you website Ive read and bookmarke artictles

  53. I’ve been married for 3 years but we have been together for 9 1/2 we meet in high school he has been the only man for me, we do not have children yet because we are still young. Recently we have been fighting more than usual and it’s over dumb things, I have gone out twice recently with my friends which is a girl and my boss ( he is gay and my husband knows he’s married ) but he still gets mad that I’ve gone out we do nothing wrong , we go eat or chill at his house and it’s not just us two alone. I don’t say anything when he wants to go out I even encourage him to do so, so he doesn’t feel like he’s stuck at the house I want him to have fun and I trust him I just wish it was the same for me I’ve never cheated and don’t plan to, I’m 25 he’s about to be 27 like I said young no children I think we should be able to go out with friends without any problems or em my wrong?

  54. I have been with my husband for 5 years now and just a couple months ago I found out he cheated on me with his coworker. When I confronted him about his infidelity he stated it was my fault for going through his phone and discovering that he has been cheating. Since then he distances himself from me and refuses to cut contact with her. When I ask him why won’t he stop talking to her he tells me he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. I go out of my way to make things right again and he clearly doesn’t not even try but he says he still loves me and wants to be with me.

    1. Hi. Im no expert but if he can stop to care about her feelings he can stop to care about your feelings if he loves you. Sometimes i believe some men get a little to selfish because they feel the love we have for them. But make him see that if he can’t stop seeing her then your of the menu too “so to speak”. Make him decided what’s more important. That way you can also find some one who can make you happy whether its him or someone else. That’s my thought good luck!

  55. M 23. I got married 8 months ago. it was a love marriage. we dated for 2 years before getting married and we were madly in love. but since our wedding, things have not turned out they way they should have. we are just fighting all the time and abusing each other. all this started with his family misbehaving with me. i could cpe up with that and i reacted. he said he couldn’t take a word against them. and gradually we have stopped being physically intimate and this morning he said he doesn’t love me anymore the way he did. is it really over???

  56. Im 22 years old and have a pne month old baby boy. After moving in with my now husband, I found out he was cheating on me with a co-worker even before I was pregnant. When I confronted him hr first denied it until I showed him proof. I love him very much. His son and me need him. I dont want my child to not grow up without his dad. If it was just me I would of left. But im thinking about what is best for my son. After we talked about it we said we would try to make it work. I thought he would stop but I catch him lying to me and getting out to go see her. I went through his phone and saw that he tells her he loves her and hates having to leave each other. She tells him that she hates knowing that he comes home to me. I love him but I feel so hurt about everything especially after the fat that we have a son now. We had made so many plans that im am soo confused and not sure of his feelings. He doesn’t tell me he loves me. He says that the fire in our relationship is not there or the love like when we meet 2years ago. I dont know what to do or how to make our relationship work. How do I bring tjat intimacy back into our relationship. Im not talking about sex but emotionally.

    1. Hey Karina, was wondering how things are. Just curious, can you tell me what your ethnicity is? And if others can mention their ethnicity and their partners’ ethnicity. I’m Mexican, and I’m wondering how relationships are across races, and don’t want to generalize when having conversations about it, without getting some feedback from real individuals in struggling relationships to see if ethnicity plays a factor along with culture, upbringing and social class.

  57. Dear Yvonne,

    Thank you for being here, and for having the courage to share your experience in marriage. It sounds like you and your husband have been through so much in the past decades of marriage. It also sounds like you feel alone and emotionally disconnected in your relationship with him.

    Your husband can’t give you what you need or want. I don’t know why he is physically and emotionally detached from you, but the chances of him changing are low.

    I think you have three options: 1) stay married and continue the way you are and accept your unhappiness and disconnection; 2) stay married and find happiness and fulfillment outside your marriage; or 3) leave your husband.

    What option seems to make the most sense to you? You’re too young to give up on your life, and a chance at being happy and fulfilled! You need to find energy and enthusiasm to keep going. The world needs people like you to come alive and participate. You can find things that make you happy and fulfilled outside your marriage — and you will brighter other people’s lives at the same time.

    What do you think?

  58. My husband the night we got married said he was hungry left to go up to the hotel cafeteria to get get something to eat and was going to bring it back to the room. About 2 and a half our later he comes back. With know food and not much to say. We went to bad and the next things where different between us. Then to come to find out he was going by his old girl- friends house after work things where rough but I tried very hard to let people talk because I wasn’t s sure 100 % at the time myself their where several times he cheated on me I knew and I separated from him and was going ing to file for a divorce but I had a small daughter. I had lots of running wild emotion. I knew I loved him but was never sure of his true feeling about me. My life has been up and Dow been married 40 years. The last 15 years he says he can’t have sex but I have been waiting on some kind on emotional affection reassurance of his love for me. To touch to hold me to make me feel loved by him that special connection we used to have and sure. For those that don’t know it was never sex it was the love the bond the emotional attachment feeling that special love the special hands fingers hugs touch the way his eyes looked at me any body that has been in love knows that love that deeply love knows what that feeling feels and means but for 15 years it’s hasn’t been there for me and I can’t keep going this way I love him so so so much. But t hurt and long and want to be love feel love feel that special love that makes you the happiest person in this world. Only feel and makes you feel you feel like life is worth living. My husband has push me in a corner and I love him so so dearly but I’m so lonely and scared and I don’t know what to do. I’m 59 yrs with not the best health but my heart is broken and I feel my life is over.. Sometimes I would rather live alone by myself then to live with. Seeing him hurts so bad yes he will give me a peck on my lips and say I love you or good night or by I love you but that doesn’t begin to fill my my dreams ,dreams of feeling love and wanted by him. The emotion feeling inside of me feeling that he feels the same way I do. He want even touch me in any emphysema way at all. Before he didn’t have problems until the cheating starting. What I don’t understand is if he didn’t want me he had so many times to leave and divorce me. Can someone explain why stick with me then with this long and treat me this way? I would love to understand. I want a divorce but I also do want to live by myself but I want to be love before I can’t remember who it is that loves me.
    I would love to have really honest truly suggest both from men and women. Maybe things going on with him that I am not aware of. Just some good honest therapy help please

  59. I posted here some time ago and Laurie had asked a question
    if I regretted my marriage. The answer is yes, they say in the marines man up! I should have and moved on, and I really hate my self for not. I was scared because I could never find a decent job to support myself, all ways
    part time work. I just accepted my life and tried to be me, when I found me I was happier. I guess I’m just past the age of even caring any more.

  60. I guess I’m searching for an answer to the question, should I stay or should I go. We have been married nearly 18 years, have two teenage children and have had a very bumpy marriage. My husband drinks excessively, gets angry easily, has been violent and just recently slept with prostitutes on a holiday with his brother to Asia.
    We have tried marriage counselling but he didn’t like what the counsellor has said to him and also what she told me to do. She asked me to let his siblings know about his indiscretions in Asia as they are all going on another trip in April and I was being made out to be the selfish sister-in-law who wasn’t keen on it happening.
    All in all I know this marriage isn’t working but I keep ‘trying’ and I don’t know why..

  61. Dear Amy,

    It sounds like you’ve had a long, painful 45 years with your husband. Your marriage was over before it had a chance to get started, and you stayed with him anyway.

    Do you have any regrets? What would you do differently if you were to do it over again?

  62. It took me a long while to realize my marriage was really over. I’ve been married 45+ years and right from the ‘I DO’s’ things turned horrible. We managed to have sex and intimacy on our wedding night, but that was short lived. Sex lasted maybe 20 minutes and he stayed in bed maybe another hour, then sat out by the pool the rest of the night. The next was an eye opener for me, first he told me how disgusting, messy, smelly, pointless, meaningless, vile to the point of him vomiting. We were suppose to go on a honeymoon, that never happened a total waste of money we really didn’t have. He took me home and said tonight I’m going to start working midnights and also I will be moving to the basement. He started eating, sleeping down stairs, also he built a apartment which didn’t include me. He worked all the time weekends, holiday’s, every one else’s vacation(he never took any of his vacation) according to his boss and the security people he slept in his station wagon at work a lot. One good thing he did do was pay all bills we owed, he never complained that I bought a new car and when I ran up good size bills on my credit card. He just seemed to hate me, wouldn’t talk to me, be with me and ignored me. Was my marriage over yes it was right from the beginning. I stayed because I was scared to go out on my own, I did have a beautiful roof over my head, had good benefits, and he pays the bills. I don’t care about myself or him, my days are winding down and it will be over for one of us.

  63. Dear B.B.,

    I don’t know if it’s a sign your marriage is over, for many reasons. First, only you and your spouse can make this decision! Second, some married couples vacation separately and say it’s what keeps their marriage healthy and happy. Third, does your wife even want to vacation with you? Maybe she doesn’t enjoy it either! And fourth, how is your marriage outside of your vacations? If you’re both happy with your relationship all the time except for when you’re on holidays, then maybe it’s just one of those quirky things in your relationship.

    Overall, are you happy with your marriage? Do YOU think your marriage is over?

    Stay true to you,
    Laurie

  64. Almost every time I go on vacation or I go do something fun I decide that I don’t want my spouse to come as I know I’ll have fun and be happy alone but if she comes I feel like the vacation will get ruined with arguments. Is this a really bad sign?

  65. I got married to my teenage lover 9yrs ago.But I think I got married to him as there was no one else in my life at that time and I was very lonely. We were never intimate physically from the beginning. Never had sex more than few times in an year,never felt romantic with him.As years passed ,he got busy in his job and I was left to work,raise our daughter and house jobs.He does help me with house jobs and he is a good dad.But never had a husband wife relationship

  66. Dear Anon,

    Thank you for being here. It is frustrating and disappointing when your spouse doesn’t even want to try to save your marriage, isn’t it?

    There’s not much you can do on your own. It sounds like your husband is trying to work through his own issues, and he wants distance from you while he does it. That’s hurtful – I’m sorry.

    Yes, there IS a man out there who will truly love you! You are young, smart, insightful, and faithful. You are a compassionate, gentle woman who has so much to give a man.

    You deserve respect, love, and kindness. Let your husband go, so you can open yourself up for the love you deserve.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  67. Dear Rachelle18,

    I wish I could give advice, because if I did, I’d say no way! Move on! Your marriage is over, and you need to trust your gut instincts.

    But since I can’t say that, I wrote you this:

    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/should-you-give-boyfriend-second-chance/

    Tell me what you think! It’s a very difficult decision, and heartbreaking to be cheated on by a man you love…but you are strong and wise enough to make the right decision.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  68. Hi, thank you for your article. The signs you have pointed out here have been happening to me and my husband. We are 5 years married. He is not with us always because of his job and he only gets home every other month or two months (and only stays 1 week). Before our big fight, we have a very smooth sailing relationship. Always calling, texting. But last year I got pregnant with our 2nd child and I wasn’t able to go to him (the place where he stayed, and where he worked). I think that was when it all started (when everything has fallen apart).

    When we had a big fight just this MArch, it was so hard to reconcile because of our situation. He was there and I am here. He doesn’t want to talk to me, or to my son. He doesn’t want to solve the problem! The situation stayed like that for almost a month. Without communication. Then he came home because he had an accident. I thought we would be make peace then. But he blamed the accident on me. He doesn’t want to connect with me anymore, though he said he would try. We had a big fight at home and he finally said that he doesn’t want to fight because the children will be affected. When I asked him if he still loves me, he said “I don’t know” and he was angry for making him answer that and he said he needed time. When his sick leave was over, he left again for work.

    I have a regular full time job and have bills to pay. My children and I live with his mother and father and sister. He stopped communicating again. No texts, no calls. He didn’t even greeted me during our anniversary. He doesn’t want to receive/answer my call. My family got pity on me and they wanted me to come home. So, I decided to go home with my kids. He still doesn’t communicated with me or even ask how the kids are. I also think he has another woman there. I don’t want to go to him because I done begging and pleading our relationship will work. I am spent up, crying and asking why he is doing this to me. But I have decided to stop going after him and focus on the positive side. I don’t think our marriage will still work out and I am no longer hoping it will. I am still young, still 25 and maybe there is still a man out there who will truly love me.

  69. Hi, my husband and i has only been married for 6 months when he started cheating on me, before that we were in a long distance relationship for 5 years, he was overseas while i lived in Australia and I have waited long time for us to be finally together. I’m his second wife and i thought that things would be different for us. From the tme i found out about the cheating which is through social media chatting, I hid it from all the people including my family for i was protecting him until such time that he emotionally abuse me and went his way to see her and commited adultery.
    I found this out from him when all of a sudden he was changing his moods very quickly and told me that he wanted to go back overseas permanently so i asked him what’s wrong and then he told me that during the time that he went back overseas something happened him and the bitch and chick from the social media, that’s when i decided to separate from him and ask him to go back overseas as i can’t no longer bear him cheating to me.
    Now, that his overseas his been calling me ang wanting to go back but i’m confused of whether to give him a chance because i’m scared that he wouldn’t change at all but at the same time i’m stil hoping that a miracle would come which is impossible.
    Do i give him the chance to come back?

  70. Dear Melissa,

    Thank you for being here! I wish I could wave my magic wand and make things better, but…I have no magic or wands.

    I wrote this for you:

    How to See What’s Wrong With Your Marriage

    I welcome your thoughts!

  71. My husbands job is going to ruin our marriage. He travels constantly and three weeks at a time, at the most. If you add all the weeks of his traveling, due to his job, he is gone approximately 5-6 months out of the year and that makes me very unhappy. Onthe other hand, even though he knows how I feel, he doesn’t seem to mind it at all and seems to be just fine with it. I actually think he likes the traveling part because he gets to see different parts of the United States and perhaps other parts of the world, in the near future. The sad part about it is that his previous job pays the same and he gets benefits as well….he just doesn’t travel and is home everyday from work. He doesn’t care how I feel or the fact that our 11 year old has a hard time with it as well. He does sound selfish in that regards and I don’t even feel as if its a marriage anymore. There is communication, but there isn’t understanding. I feel as if given the ultimatum, he would chose his job over family. To make matters worse, there is no trust. He cheated on me many times, over the Internet, and was thinking about meeting random ladies on dating websites for sex. This was a few years ago, so how am I supposed to trust him when he’s away? He says he isn’t cheating on me and that’s all in the past. But, I still can’t get over it and his business trips drive me crazy. My mind plays tricks on me and I’m just not happy. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. The love is gone. Everything is just gone. Nothing has been the same and I fear we’ll never get anything back….even after 13 years of marriage! I keep waiting and waiting and nothing changes.

  72. I wish I could wave my magic wand and give you all the best advice on your marriage and life, but I can’t. I can’t keep up with the comments! Plus, I don’t know your situations well enough to give you informed, wise advice.

    But I do have a question for you: If you could wake up tomorrow with a totally different life, what would it look like? Who would you be with, what would you be doing, and where would you live?

  73. Hi. Me and my husband have only been married for a little over 2 years. I think I plunged in too quickly. We only have 1 child together and I have a child before he came along. I’m the one always doing everything. I only work part time. I do all of the cleaning around our house, taking the trash out, washing clothes, etc. he complains after work if the house isn’t up to par, but yet doesn’t put in any hand to help clean it. He complains about not having anything to wear, because he’s too lazy to wash his own clothes when they run out. Anytime I want to go hand out with my friends, it’s always a fight, and I end up not going. I never get to do anything. I’m bored sitting at home, so I play on Facebook, he complains about that. So I started reading books. He’s complaining about that now also. After reading 50 shades of grey, I’ve realized I don’t have that love feeling. I feel like I have more of a settlement agreement. We are only intimate with each other maybe once a month, and it’s my fault because that whole feeling is just not there anymore. I don’t have butterflies, I don’t get excited, nothing. I honestly feel that if he told me he wanted to divorce me right now, I’d laugh and say thank God. To me, the marriage is over pretty much. What do you think?

  74. Dear Suzy,

    I’m sorry to hear how your husband has changed. The problem is that you can’t save your marriage all by yourself! You can’t change his behaviour or attitude, or make him become the husband you deserve.

    If divorce is not an option (and for many women, it isn’t), then you need to figure out a way to be happy in your marriage the way it is today. You need to accept your husband for who he is, and find different ways to get the love and gratification you deserve.

    What are some other ways you can be happy in your life?

  75. Hello Carol,

    What a dilemma! It sounds like you and your husband have been talking (arguing) about this for a long time.

    Here are my thoughts:

    http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/should-you-move-to-the-country-or-stay-in-city/

    Let me know what you think.

    Also – have you talked your dilemma through with a marriage counsellor? Getting a professional, objective opinion may help both you and your husband see things differently. More clearly.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  76. My husband is not interested in having sex with me anymore. When there is a fight, he always says” Isn’t it enoough for me to bear you and bear your big mouth” He repeats this comment a lot. He is not interested in going out with me and children as we used to be in the past. I take the children all by myself. He comes from work and he is on facebook till very late at night. when I approach him for intimate relationship, sometimes he says I am tired. I am the one who always approach him In my country it is not easy to ask for a divorce. I have kids. He spends money on them. I don’t think I am going to have another relationship with anybody. How am I going to save this marriage? He has changed.

  77. Laurie, I have been marriage of 27 years. We have no children. My husband is older than me and is looking at retirement in approximately three years. I am not even close to thinking of same. We have a home in the country, he is always asking me to move from the city and find a new job in the country. We have a small place in the city. I have had my job for 25 years and am not wanting to leave my job; I love my job. My husband is extremely upset with me regarding this. I told him that IF I moved to the country leaving my secure job and he got hit by a bus, I would sell our country home and move back to the city. Of course if this happens I would lose my secure job and start at the bottom. In the country there are virtually no jobs aside from Tim Hortons or McDonalds to work at. This does not make sense to me. I have fifteen years until my retirement. This has been an ongoing argument/disagreement for too many years to count. We love each other but I am really reaching my ceiling in this regard and for that matter so is he. Any suggestions?

  78. My husband is a really great guy and father, unless your married to him. Friends, family members, hell, the person down the street gets more priority in the line of importance than I do. We have never been on a honeymoon, or go out of town together. I can count the number of times we have gone out to eat together on one hand, and that includes before our son was born. He is now 5. I have come to the conclusion that he must be embarressed to be seen with me or something. I have stayed married for our son, but I have finally decided that I am finished. I am going to file for legal seperation next month and move on with my life. I am pretty sure that there is someone out there who may actually aknowlege that I exist. If not, I would rather be lonely by myself, than be lonely with my husband sitting next to me.

    1. Your situation sounds exactly like mine. I actually did a double-take, for a second thinking I posted under a fake name, but the dates don’t match up. Today is our 2 year wedding anniversary, but we’ve been together for 10 years. I am currently looking up signs your marriage is over while he is on the couch on his phone. He knows its our anniversary, yet he doesn’t even speak to me, except to complain about something. Same as last year, same as no honeymoon or anything special of any kind. Why did I marry this person?

  79. Had been married for about 10 years. Have three beautiful kids all under the age of 10. Future ex wife filed for divorce and did not talk. The manipulation game worked for her for it drew the worst out of a good man that pleaded to keep his family together. We were on the brink of re-building our marriage through counseling, but future ex wife wrecked a family. We never committed adultery, fought through anger, called each other names, nothing. No alcohol or drug abuse. My eldest daughter has been devastated. So hard to see your kids cry and plead for their mommy and daddy to stay together. I never wanted such an outcome of a 10 year marriage. Things moved so fast over the first 7 years with several children born, loss of job linked to the economy took a toll on my and my future ex wife. I developed depression over the last year of marriage of which made family tough. I received appropriate care for my depression and I looked up to my wife at the time for much needed support. With wife starting a business, me staying at home with the kids while trying to gain access to job opportunities, I was spent. I did some recharging by protecting myself from the negativity that spewed from my wife over the last several months of marriage. I needed to regain my individuality that I lost trying to serve a woman that was controlling and very self serving. Overall, we both made some minor mistakes in our marriage that went noticed – meaning all of the negative baggage was carried to the point of filing for divorce instead of FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVE THINGS THAT YOUR PARTNER BRINGS TO THE MARRIAGE! We failed to communicate effectively and truly trusting each other. I made a game out of the situation that was worsened by my attitude to make the situation worse. Depression is a bastard for I just wasn’t myself during the depression days. Now I have a bit of a clearer mindset as the depression fades with time and much self reflection. I do still find myself very alone…pondering the what ifs at times…but for the most part, I often wonder what could have been. Our divorce process has been pretty boring. My future ex wife doesn’t speak to me and hasn’t since the divorce filing. I often wonder about reconciliation, but due to the current communication state, I feel that reconciliation is no longer an opportunity. Now that I see my kids 4 days per month, I have lost connection with them. I no longer think about them as much as I did when I was at home. I pick em up and two of them want to stay with mom…I take em home and they run after the car crying for their dad. Oh well, kids will be affected, but that is the way of the future ex wife.

  80. Hi Jane,

    Congratulations on 19 years of marriage! I’m glad to hear that he is a great father and husband…except for his lying. What’s up with that??

    Why do you think he’s lying? Is it related to losing his dad? Also, have you and he tried couples counseling?

  81. HELLO MY NAME IS JANE I AM 44 YEARS OLD HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL KIDS. MY HUSBAND AN I MARRIED FOR 19 YEARS. HE IS A GREAT FATHER AND HUSBAND. BUT WHAT HURT ME THE MOST IS HIS LIE , ALWAYS HAVE EXCUSE WENT I CAUGHT HIM IN A LIE.IF YOU ASK ME HOW MUCH I TRUST HIM ,I WOULD SAY ONLY 20 PERCENT.WHAT I FEEL INSIDE MY HEART IS I LOVE HIM AND DON’T TRUST HIM SOUND STUPID RIGHT. EVERY SINCE HE LOST HIS DAD HE DO THE DUMB THINGS, HE BLAME HIMSELF BECAUSE HE WAS NOT AROUND . I SAID TO HIM YOU ARE NOT JUST HURTING YOURSELF YOU ARE HURTING ME AND THE KIDS. HE OWE SO MUCH MONEY WHICH WE ARE PAYING OFF LITTLE BY LITTLE. WE HAS A TALK YESTERDAY AND I SAID TO HIM I FEEL BETTER IF YOU DON’T LIE TO ME AN TALK OUT THE PROBLEM WITH ME . I SAID NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY BUT YESTERDAY I COULD NOT SLEEP JUST WONDER WHAT I SHOULD DO?

  82. Sandy,

    I am a man and have gone through the video game addiciton. I went there to the game as an escape or catharsis from another crisis in my life. We all get into he said she said this and that trying to convince ourselves its the others fault. Look deep within for your own criticism of self as well as your spouse. Own up to how you feel and communicate with him. Stooping low and doing the same thing he is doing your own way is the surest way to ensure failure. I have blown it this way too. Further a word of caution, beware the criticism of others toward your spouse in your external relationships, less they influence the fate of your internal relationship. We all want to bounce our situation off of other Neutral pseduocounselors. Don’t fall into the trap of believing for a second you can provide that objective view for them to evaluate. It doesnt hurt to talk. Just communicate. If it fails at least you have tried.

  83. Hello. I am 38 years old. I have 3 children, 2 from a previous relationship. My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married for 8. We started out as friends. There was no question when you saw one, you saw the other. As time went on, before we got married….I realized something was different. I did some looking and he was having intimate conversations/infidelity with anther woman. I was broken at that moment. He begged me to marry him and it would be better, how dumb. Then here comes my son..that was 10 years ago and he is so distant and none caring. We dont have that same connection. He doesnt care what I say financially, socially, or anyway. I received a STD a few months ago in which he informed me could have come from the toilet seat!! I squat/stand!! I am also a nurse?? He continues to insult my intelligence daily. I am a God fearing woman, but he pushes me daily into something mentally that I dont want to do. He often brings up the fact that we only have one child together. He brings up what my children dont do..This man does nothing in house or not. Granted he does have a job, but in the past year he acts as though I am using him or something. We wash his clothes, pick up behind him. we cook and he may eat or not. He attends church every Sunday and takes the kids. I am not a saint by no means!! I am a woman who knows what I have to do daily. I have no time for foolishness. I get tired, I have no outlet…I have no husband I can talk to or confide in, he’s gone. He lies. Goes places and swears he’s with the guys. I cant express my feelings because the first thing he says is, “what about me”, “I feel the same way”, “Noone listens to me so I dont say nothing”. So what? I have been divorced once, but in this instance my exhusband has now come out!

  84. Candi,
    get out, get out now, while you are still young. I was you 5 years ago. Don’t focus on the little details of why you can’t leave, your mental wellbeing and freedom are worth more. If you cannot find the strength to do so then find a councellor to help you find the strength and clarity you need. They can be pricey, but you would be amazed at what will come your way when you are ready for help. God be with you and be safe.

  85. Firstly it is not always the male parent who is at fault. I seem to have a hard time with my girlfriend on what needs to be focused on first.
    When it comes to our 4 yr old daughter, mommy is often selfish and wants to focus on herself. She will spend endless hours on the computer just playing FB or POGO games and often times I find my child getting her own breakfast and lunch, sometimes using the microwave.
    To my fiance’ bills do not seem to be prioritized. I’ve seen at least 20 cell phones bought in the 7 years we have been together, b ecause she doesnt like this one or that. The preschool our child attends already informed us that she is behind in some skills but how can I try my best to get her to learn when mommy could care less? I’ve spoken to friends and relatives on both sides of the family and because mommy doesn’t want to hear the truth from others, she will not only alienate herself but I and my daughter from everyone. At one point in time about a year ago, we lived in a motel room, with no family to turn to except one. And now she is beginning to alienate us from this person too. I’m at wits end. I have a disability but it does not hinder me from shopping cooking cleaning or tending to my daughters needs. If mommy shops, its all garbage food. The school bus stop is a block away; she wont walk our child down; I have to drive her. She doesnt clean house very often. I have problems with my legs so my mobility is limited at times but I will stand in the kitchen n cook, or spend an hour or more shopping or walk my child to the bus despite my pain. Why? Because my daughter comes first in my eyes, always had and always will.

  86. Dear Candi,

    Does your husband want to improve your marriage? If he thinks things are fine the way they are, then your first step is to accept that you’re the only one is can work on your relationship.

    If you’re the only one who is willing to do the work, then you need to accept him for who he is. You can’t change him, you can’t make him more loving, attentive, or caring. You can’t manipulate or trick him into being a better man.

    The only person you can change is yourself, and your expectations of your husband.

    One option is to give yourself what your husband can’t give you. For instance, he is not there for you when you’re sick or stressed out. It’s all about him, because he’s selfish. So you need to accept that he can’t give you what you need, and you have to find ways to give yourself the love, compassion, and kindness that you need. Maybe that means making friends who will nurture you, or listening to music that makes you feel better, or writing your feelings down.

    Another option is to think about how you want to live the next five years. Do you want to stay in this abusive, unhealthy marriage? If not, then you need to ask yourself if it’s true that you can’t leave.

    If I were you, I would end this marriage. I would not allow my husband to hit me. I would get help for my own emotional health issues, so I don’t end up in another abusive relationship.

    What do you think? What steps could you take to improve your marriage?

    Sincerely,
    Laurie

  87. Hi and thanks for your site. I love it! I’ve been married going on 3 months but have been with my husband for 2 years prior to marriage. I don’t know where to begin. I feel like I am going crazy and I don’t know what to do. I feel that my husband is a good man but we have a lot of issues to work on. I came from an abusive household but my husband didn’t. we both very bad tempers and there has been a lot of mean words said and physical violence on both of our parts. Whenever we argue my husband always brings up my childhood to deflect what it is that I have a problem with even though I’ve asked him not to do this. For example, he works long hours 6 days a week while I go to school 5 days a week 6 hours a day and do all of the household chores including laundry, cleaning, dishes, grocery shopping , and I always have a hot meal prepared for him when he gets home plus getting up early in the morning to make him breakfast and a lunch for work. He does absolutely nothing but work. On his day off he spend 12-16 hours playing videogames. When I asked him when we would spend time together he told me that he wanted to have fun and was playing the game. I asked if he meant that playing a videogame was more fun than hanging out with me and he said yes. Then he proceeded to put me down for not doing the laundry in a timely manner.

    He always calls me slob and lazy. Its kind of true as I never developed proper cleaning habits but it hurts and I have made sure the place stays clean. Whst really boils my blood is that when I met him he had an illness, wasnt working, but was fully ambulatory. We lived together and he would never lift a finger to do anything! I would come home to squalor and he would ask me what was for dinner. My mother would come over and ask me wht was the place a mess when all my husband did was sit at home and play videogames. It was so embarrassing.

    My husband has a do as I say not as I do attitude and he hits me anytime he feels he is losing the fight. Later he says that I deserved it. In all fairness I do say some pretty ugly things to him so I can see why he hits me. What makes me angry is that he has a victim complex and makes everything my fault. I accept that I was ugly to him but he never accepts that he was ugly to me. He always says you made me hit you and things like that. I am at the point where I am starting to hate him but leaving is not an option since we moved 1200 miles away for me to go to school. All my family thinks he’s a jerk and I don’t have contact with his family but I know they just placate him.
    One time when my husband was being mean, I called his sister for help and she just told me to stay out of his way because he gets like that. So I think they know he has an anger problem. I love him but I feel responsible for him too as his mother told me that ever since he met me he has changed for the better but I’m not so sure.
    In all fairness I have an anger problem too so this is not all his fault. Plus I know I can be really mean especially when reminded of my past so I am by no means innocent in this fiasco marriage. What steps should hubby and I take to improve our marriage? I really do love him but I want my needs to get met as well. My mom even said that the way she sees our relationship is that everything is always about him. He is the type of person that when I say I’m feeling bad he says me too but I feel worse than you. I was throwing up in the bathroom and he was amused and ignored me. I also had a bad flu and he told me to go make pizzas. There is so much more but this post has been long enough. He has good qualities too so what should I do? Sorry for the long post and thanks. Oh and he is a lot older than me if that helps.

  88. Dear Sandy,

    I think counseling has already helped – but not in the way you expected. That is, your counselor has helped you and your husband see your relationship and your roles more clearly.

    Sometimes, counseling isn’t about saving your marriage when you think it’s over; it’s about figuring out the best way to proceed with your life. Can you find a way to be happy with your husband the way he is – which perhaps means lowering your expectations? Or, does being happy mean ending your marriage and rebuilding your life?

    What are your options? What do you want to see happen with your marriage (assuming he can’t or won’t change)?

  89. Hello! My husband and I will be married 18 years in May. I can honestly say that I don’t know if our marriage has ever been ideal, or a good marriage. My husband will admit that he is a very selfish person, as I know many men/women will say this, he will also tell you he has addictive behaviors, no drugs or alcohol,but gambling, and video games are his addictions. Our marriage,to me and some who are around us, will say is based solely on what my husbands wants/needs are. I have never been the first priority in his life, in my opinion. Example: When I was pregnant with our eldest child, I was working 12 hour days. He was home for a couple of weeks because his back was injured,but was medicated and fully capable. I came home from work with feet swollen and exhausted, and I just wanted to soak my feet. I walk in the door, and he comes out of his “man Cave” and asks me what is for dinner. I got a can of soup out slammed it on the counter and said there you go, and went for a walk. No he didn’t come after me. I was so angry that when I went back in the house I went to bed. He holed himself in his video games then and is still to this day. There are so many other times/examples of basically the same thing. We aren’t, and really have never had a truly intimate relationship…to me it seems like a chore to him. He freely admits this. At one time, about 10 yrs. ago he told me he didn’t find me attractive anymore because I was to fat. (I have now lost 50 lbs. and weigh just slightly more than I did in high school which was 154, that truly has no bearing on the situation in my opinion) It is not for lack of trying on my part, I have gone so far as texting things to him. I have been pushed away, he says the kids are home I don’t want them hearing, and many other reasons. I have thought, is he cheating, and even most recently is he not interested at all. He is now overweight, takes high blood pressure meds, and says he has no self confidence. He is not an active participant/husband but rather to me, it seems like I have another child. I have to ask him to help around the house, while he plays his video games usually 5-6 hours a night(this is an every day,every year occurrence) He is depressed, gambled a lot of money away that we don’t have, lost his father, and in my opinion, he feels he lost his mother as well. His mother has been a mother who loves him, but didn’t raise him to be a man/husband. She did everything for him, I just took over when we married. At counseling I brought up that he smokes in the house when I leave when I have asked him not to. The counselor asked him why he does this, is it like “mom” says don’t do it, so you do it anyway? he said yes. He told her the children don’t listen to me, and she said you don’t listen to her so why should they. You don’t think they children listen to her, but actions speak louder than words. Our children our great children, have very busy lives, and our great students…but they will tell you that there mother is not happy and they don’t like it. When he gambled I am the one who found ways to pay the debt, not him. He owns the fact that he gambled but has done nothing to render the situation. I feel instead of playing games for 5-6 hours, he should get another job to pay for it. When I say I have a husband who is more like a 44 year old child I truly mean it. I do everything from paying the bills to deciding what to have for dinner. He tells me he loves me, and I don’t doubt it. I think his love for me is in a motherly way and not a wifely way. He says my expectations are to high for him. The counselor said to him, you are just a big kid aren’t you…laughing he said yes…she said I think you need to think about what I just said. Your wife wants a husband and a partner, to be a couple, not a 44 yr. old child. My expectations are this..Be my husband, my partner, my co parent, my friend, something other than what he is and has been for a very long time.

    I am at the end of what I feel I can handle. I don’t know if counseling will help.

  90. Recently my husband and I have brought some issues to light. We have been together 13 years, married 12. We were young and I had a 3 mo old daughter when we met. I fell in love with him because of the way he was with her. Recently, in a very relaxed conversation, he reveiled to me that he “thinks this sounds bad” but he believes he fell in love with me becuase of her. I dont have a problem with that. But now he thinks he loves me very much but isnt in love with me anymore. Personally, I dont know the difference. He says he loves me every night before we go to bed, and every morning before he leaves for work, as well as every time we talk on the phone, before he hangs up. And if I say it to him when around the house, he always says it back. He usually kisses me good night and good bye. So I think there is love there, and after so many years of being together you just fall into a rut. But…….. there are problems and I am not sure, when put all together, if I should be worried. He has always had this thing with joining dating sites online. He says he is just looking and that you have to become a memeber to see them. He says he doesnt get attention very often and it’s nice to see if someone responds. That he never returns their messages and would never act upon it. He has acutally kept this very open with me. From the beginning. I truly do understand where he is coming from. In my line of work, I am with guys all the time. So there is attention. I share all these stories with him so that he doesnt think I am hiding anything. I have never done anything inappropriate with anymore, nor have i wanted to. He is the only guy I have wanted in that way since I have been with him. In his line of work, there is no one else to give him this attention. WE all like to feel that we are still desireable and I know how that feeling lacks after being in the same relationship for years. But lately, I have had an issue with it and when I try to talk to him about it, he tells me (now mind you very calmly and never upset with me about it) that he never ever as any intention of acting upon it, it’s just nice to feel like someone is flirting with you. He is a very good looking guy and gets flirted with when we go out but he doesnt notice it. So I really do understand that need and want. Plus he reminds me that we made an agreement in the beginning that if either one of us felt things were moving towards a path that we were going to be unfaithful, then out of respect, we owed it to the other party to tell them beforehand. (He had been cheated on a few times prior to me and it really hurt him) Then I feel bad for bringing it up. But then he points out the fact that I need to start doing my own thing. We have 3 kids and i do absolutely everything for them. They are each very involved in school activities and friends and I never tell them no. So between running them around and my work I feel unappreciated and taken for granted. He says that if I had a few female friends that I could go out with and get away from the house I would feel better. That my life is not the kids and him, that I need time for myself. That i have become bitter and some people that he introduces me to read in my body language that I dont want to be there and so later on he feels embarassed and he apologizes to them for that impression and tells them that I am really not that way, that I am a very nice person, just hard to get to know. He does have a point. I only define myself as his wife and their mother. I have nothing else. And it is my own fault, I have made it that way. He says he thinks I am miserable and just dont know it. I think he has a point. But then here comes the fact that right now, becuase of everythign else, i am dealing with some real insecurity issues. I dont feel any emotion from him lately. I have tried to initiate being intimate these past few nights, with nothing but cuddling from him. I end up crying myself to sleep. I ask, if he really isnt interested and he says he really is just very tired. He recently got promoted at his job, so he leaves at 4:30 in the morning and gets home anywhere from 7:30-11:00 at night. He is exhausted and I can see it, becuase he sits on the couch within the first 5 mins of being home and falls asleep before the kids get a chance to tell him how their day was. He says that I am making a little thing into a big thing lately because I am being so emotional. Which is not like me. We use to joke that we had a really different kind of relationship. We werent really mushy, we joked in what othes would think would be mean ways. We use to tell people we had a love hate relationship. That we love to hate each other, but then we would laugh and he would kiss me and they knew it just worked for us. He had such a hard up bringing that he doesnt get very emotional, it’s almost like a wall. And i was ok with that until recently. It seems like he hasnt changed the way he treats me, but I see it now as a lack of emotion. That I am making subtle hints that I just need him to come up behind me and hug me, just to show me he’s still there, but he doesnt notice this. I want to talk to him but feel like I am beating a dead horse (for lack of a better term). We’ve never really had communication problems so I dont know why it is so difficult for me to talk to him now. I dont knwo why I feel so insecure now. I think if i just felt like i had some reassurance on his part. And when I brought that up the other night, he said, “I come home to year every night. I love you and the kids. I just want you to stop being so derogatory on the outside. Show what’s on the inside.” He even said that maybe he has started to pull away a bit becuase he sometimes doesnt know what kind of mood I am going to be in. and that does push him away sometimes. He does have a point there. He is the kind of guy that is always perkey, the glass is always half full with him. He says things are uncontrolable and you just have to go with the flow. I tease and call him a con artist sometimes, because he always seems to have everyone eating out of the palm of his hands. And I other the other hand, am the pessimistic one. I always prepare for the worse so that I wont be let down. Always been that way. But now it seems to be causing a drift between us. I feel I really need to change this behavior or I will loose him but on the same token, i dont want to feel like I have to change all of me to make him fall in love with me again. I dont feel I am the only one that has things to work on. And when this was all brought up, there was no yelling and he wasnt mean. I was crying, of course, because I didtn know he felt those things, and all I wanted was a hug but that didnt come. A year or two ago I wouldnt have thought anything of it, that’s just him, always has been. But now i feel like I really need the emotion. But it’s not fair to ask him to change. I need to know what I can do to change this, to make my marriage strong again. To make me believe that he still loves me. I want to feel that he isnt just around becuase of the kids, that he wants to be with me. Does it sound like our marriage is over? Does there look like there is any hope? What can I do to help to change things? How can I talk to him without feeling sick to bring it up? How can I get us back to where we were a few years ago? Is there any hope for us? I love him very much and am becoming sick imagining him leaving me. He hasnt said he is or wants to, but from some comments lately, I think he is just content and I want him to be happy. Does that mean I have to let him go?

  91. I am having a propbem and just need someone to talk to. My husband and I habe been married for 13 months, were engaged for almost two years, and had been best friends for five. About six months ago, we left city life and moved to the coast where his family resides. I have no family and no friends here, so that in itself has been difficult for me. We have been having a reoccuring problem that has a uniform cause, which is alchohol. We go out on a date night every Thursday, play pool and sing at the local bar, and drink. A couple of months ago, August, if I remember correctly, we went through three weeks when every time we would go out it started great, but ended with my husband telling me how awful I am and throwing me out of the house. The next day he wouldn’t remember any of it. We discovered that the issue was if he mixed beer and liquor, he became an angry drunk, and I was his target. The solution seemed simple enough, stop mixing the two. It worked well enough for us and the drunken arguments stopped.

    Last night we went out and really didn’t drink much at all. I was clear and sober through the entire night, and I thought he was too. We went to a couple of bars, had one drink at each, and moved on. When we got to the last one, my husband decided that we should have a shot of something, but I am not sure what it was, I was busy loading the jutebox with Christmas music. After the shot, I got a mild buzz, so I figured he did too. We left the bar and walked toward home. On the way home, it happened again. He started screaming at me about something having to do with my son and I walked away. I had no interest in another fight. He yelled at me to get out of his house and that I was not taking my son. I yelled back at him not to worry, I would and as he has no rights to my child, I would be taking him with me. My son, by the way, was at hhis grandmothers house, where he goes every Thursday and every other weekend for visitation with his grandparents and his father. My husband ran up behind me, grabbed me by my hair, and dragged me about a half a block back, telling me that I was not going back to the house, I was not welcome. He did this twice. Being that I was now in pain, I screamed for help both times, to which he replied that there was noone to help me. I called his sister, whose house it is that we lived at. By this point I was hysterical. When he realized who I called, he cussed at me and stormed off toward the house. I started walking the other direction, with the idea in my head that I would walk the 15 miles it was to my son’s grandmother’s house and sleep in the boat she has on the lawn. My sister-in-law came and picked me up, taking me back to her house. She told me to go to bed and lock the door, he would sleep on the couch. Now it is morning, he is alseep on the couch, and I am still angry that he had the nerve to threaten my relationship with my child. I am also a little scared, he had never put his hands on me before. I don’t know what to do. Any help would be appreciated.

  92. Dear T Law,

    It is frustrating when you’re doing everything you can to be a good husband, and yet you’re treated badly and betrayed. I don’t know your situation and I’m worried that you mentioned taking your own life. I don’t know how to help you, other than to encourage you to try to find people in your own situation. A support group for dads or separated men, perhaps? I don’t know what you need.

    One of the best ways to survive anything – including a marriage that’s ending – is to talk about it and learn what action steps you can take to improve your situation. Feeling helpless and powerless is the worst place to be! You may not be able to do much to change your situation, but perhaps you can change how you think about it. That may change how you think about your life, and give you strength and power.

    Please feel free to come back anytime and share your thoughts.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  93. I can say im not perfect but im a good husband and father and i have shared everything i have from lawsuits to weekly paychecks and i still get cheated on lied to and treated horribly i dont know what to do ….maybe suicide . huh …

  94. If both partners in a marriage care about working things out, then I don’t think the marriage is over. It takes a lot of work to save a marriage and rebuild the trust and love, but it’s possible.

    Is your marriage worth saving?

  95. I am the sole provider until my wife starts working and make decent money. I asked her to help paying for kid’s college fund, and her car maintenance and gas and (kind of expected) she got very upset and didn’t talk to me. I told her this is for the children and we should share the money in joint account as an option but she quickly ignored it. Her plan is use her money from work to build a new house in her oversea home town in which I don’t agree as it is more important to prepare for kid’s college fund first, and possibly help pay credit card debts that we incurred.
    If a coupon still cares about each other, it should not be that hard to talk and follow thru. She does spend some money like 200-400 for food and kids’ pocket money but it is not enough to cover our expenses as I had explained to her but she didn’t care. I asked her what will happen to my kid in college if I lose a job, and she just said just wait until that happens as it is a long term thing (basically no need to build college fund) which I think is very short-sighted. She simply doesn’t want to help out the family and want to send money oversea for her new home project. I feels that she is very selfish and possibly plan to move back soon and leave the kids with me?? as she expressed on one sense that she should quick her job and move back so she didn’t have to deal with me and other financial requirements.

  96. Why does it always seem to be only men that your column and comments
    are aimed at.
    I have had 40 years of disinterest from my wife,but initially
    put up with it for the kids.
    Now they are grown up and I am retired
    I realise that there has never been any interest
    shown in me by my wife.
    I have now confronted her with this,and yes you guessed it – total
    disinterest.

  97. My man is just irritating me.. he goes through my personal emails and messages behind my back.. and he did the same last sunday and he came home in the afternoon and he started asking me if i am keeping any secrets from him and i said no! and i started beating me up and he said i told you to cut contacts with your Guy friend and now i found out that you still sending each other emails and going out together for lunch and drinks. and to think i am not cheating the guy is my friend and we have been friends for years now, even before i met him. Now i really want to move out and find a place of my own cause i can’t seem to find happy even when i try. i just feel like i am i a prison of some sort. and financially he is not even helping in anyway. he is a bad money spender he would spend all his money and expect me to borrow him mine and when i tell him i can’t he turns it into a big issue. and i can’t take it anymore. at first i used to help him financially because i thought something positive will come out of it but no! every month he finds some sort of a project which he will spend his money on and and i will be the one facing all the expenses, and groceries in the house and on top of that he will come to me asking for some cash and most of the times he doesn’t bring it back unless i actually tell him about it over and over .I really don’t see us together in the next year. really. Please advice if i am being irrational

  98. The Miracle Question:

    If a miracle happened in the middle of the night, how would your life be different the next morning? What would you do each day, where would you go, and who would you spend time with?

    If your marriage is over, it’s time to start creating a life that will make you happier than you’ve ever been. You can do it – but you do have to wade through the pain first.

  99. I have just asked my husband to move out. I yelled at him. I felt so mad lately, I just feel like no matter what he does, it just makes me mad. He can cook, clean, but he does them not the way I would do it. That sounds so petty. He does it until I get upset about something. Then he makes a halfhearted attempt. But I feel that if he doesn’t work, then he should be willing to do take care of the house. He hasn’t worked in 11 years. I have been the only one working. Before I use to do everything. I would cook, clean, go to work, everything. Lately I’m just so tired. I want him to go out and find a job and help in creating this home. I know he can do it, he just won’t do anything. I think part of that makes me so mad and I blow up over it for stupid little things. I’m home by myself now. And I feel so lonely. But I have to put up with it, because I was the one that told him to get out. I just have so much resentement. I’m hurt and I’m scared to be along. But I’m not going to ask him to come back. I am hoping that he would wake up and decide that he wants to go out and get a job. But I’m scared that I made a mess that he would never come back to me. At the same time, I feel I put us in that situation, by me doing everything at the beginning. He got use to it. All I know is that I am lonely and I miss him but not going to reach out.

  100. I’m sorry, I felt I needed to add more when I thought I was already done.

    Things to consider: I have asked myself this question quite a few times: Do I want this to work? My honest answer is I just don’t know. There are times when I don’t want to imagine my life without him in it, but there are times when I can’t see how we’ll make it through one more of his episodes.

    There are times when I feel so miserable and powerless. He says all the right things when he’s himself. He will tell me I am beautiful, he loves me, his heart beats for me, and how he wants us to get past this area in life where we don’t agree on anything. I don’t think the problem is so much that we don’t agree as I do he won’t let that stand. He thinks if he talks to me long enough, whatever the issue, I will see it his way. When that doesn’t happen, he gets more angry. Then I am stupid, naive, and an idiot that can’t see past the end of my nose.

    There are times when he seems very impressionable. There are times when I don’t think I could convince him that it hurts to hit your thumb with a hammer.

    I crave peace and he seems to thrive on friction. He lies but it seems like he truly believes what he is saying. That is alarming to me. Most of the time, the lies are just embellishments. Still, I don’t like it.

    He gets angry if/when it becomes clear that I don’t trust him. But, he makes no efforts to help that either. He’s just mad about it. He may gripe about the way I do something but he offers no solutions, or alternatives. It’s kind of like, “if you do it like that, you’re stupid.”, and my natural response is “really? how should I do it?” to which his reply is “I don’t know, but not like that.” That isn’t an actual converstaion, it’s just that’s how it feels.

    Now, almost everything he does makes me angry. He’s too close, he’s doing too much, he’s not doing enough, etc. I don’t know how to stop being that way inside myself. Some of the things I’ve said here I have also said to him. Some of them I haven’t because I think it would hurt him too bad and I don’t want to do that if the problem is me.

    In my day to day, you know, get up, shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, go to work… the issues don’t seem overly huge. When it seems all wrong to me is when I have the urge to call my 17 year old and tell her not to go home after school. This is because I haven’t been around him and seen for myself that he’s not in that other part of himself. He was really mean to her one day while I was not at home and I’ve never forgiven myself for not protecting her from that. He apologized to her and we had about 2 weeks apart and she seems okay now but I can’t get it out of my mind.

    The part I really hate the most though is this:

    I’m done with work for the day. I am standing on my front porch, key in hand, and for a split second before I turn it in the lock, I have to wonder. I have to wonder what I am going to be dealing with once I walk through the door. It doesn’t seem right for everywhere else to feel safer and more peaceful than home.

  101. Laurie –

    WOW! You answer a lot of questions for people. Sad to say but there are several stories on here that hit close to home. Meaning, there are people on here going through the same things I’ve been through in my life.

    I am 39 years old right now and my current husband (he’s my second) and I have been having some real problems. The arguements have been worse in the past, but there’s a new ingredient in the more recent ones that I don’t like feeling. It is NOT feeling.

    He says that I am too strong, that I don’t need anyone, and I am too independent. I don’t see those as weaknesses but apparently he does.

    Background Information – He is ex-military but when we lived in Washington state, he went through some things. I tried to be understanding, even though I didn’t understand. He would sleep all day, play video games all night, and the only interaction we had was fighting over the kids. It came to a head one night and the fighting got a tiny bit physical. I’ve been in an extremely abusive relationship when I was in my early 20’s. I refuse to do it again. I contacted family services on base and we started counseling. It was mandatory for him. I have two teenage daughters from the marriage I was in previously, and my husband and I have a 3 year old son. Counseling was helping some. It was helping us learn how to communicate better. It was helping with exercises to calm down, things like that. He was removed from our house on base the first night and we were only allowed to see each other with military 1st SGT present. He was so angry all the time but I could tell he was trying. As soon as he thought I might leave, he seemed almost panic stricken. Before this, he would not speak to me for weeks as a time. If I tried to hug him, he would pull away from me and say things like he didn’t want to be touched right now. So, we went through the counseling, he got out of the military and we now live in Oklahoma. He has made so much progress but he drinks too much. I’ve tried to talk to him about it when he’s sober. I can almost see the switch flip from okay to better watch out mode. He will get aggressive, pick fights with the kids, be mean to the kids (which makes me feel like a rabid dog), he will be fine one minute and tell us the next to “Get out”. He growls like an animal when he gets this way.

    We’ve talked about this when he is okay again. I’ve told him that he is unpredictable when he is that way. I’ve told him I can not and will not live this way and neither will the kids. Once he gets the whatever it is out of his system, he’s right as rain. He acts like nothing ever happened. I feel like he has been trying to do better, but now there are other issues.

    First of all, I would like to say he isn’t this way very often but when he is, it’s a little scary. Un-nerving. He becomes volatile very quickly. And you never know if he’s going to be that way when you open the door or his normal self. It’s exhausting. I can’t relax, I feel like I have to be on constant guard. He complains that we don’t have sex enough, that I don’t initiate it enough, that when he gets that way, all I have to do is take him to the bedroom. I thought at first that he was kidding. I think he is angry at me but he strikes out (harsh words) at the kids to me because he knows it gets to me.

    There have been times that I have just cried while we were having sex because I felt cheap. It seemed like I felt guilty, almost like cheating on myself. I hope that makes sense. Then last night, I just felt nothing during sex. I can’t make myself get into it. I did that for awhile, I was able to make myself get into the physical part of it, but I can’t do the staring longingly thing anymore. I don’t feel it anymore.

    He has been making efforts to be a better father and husband, so why am I struggling with this so hard? I couldn’t even stand the sound of him kissing my neck. It disgusted me.

    I think it’s because I’ve compromised too much, allowed things to go on longer than they should, and I am worried that it may be too late now for my feelings to be the way I feel they should be to my husband. I think it was kind of like cheating on myself because I let him mistreat me and then let him use my body.

    I’ve talked to him about going to a doctor because I think there’s some kind of imbalance there but he refuses. There’s nothing wrong with him, he says he’ll just stop drinking. The thing is, I don’t think it’s the alcohol. I think the alcohol is bringing it out more, but I think he really is miserable and sad inside himself. I don’t like this either. I don’t want him to suffer, but I don’t like the fact that he won’t do anything to help himself either. He quit his job recently and is now sitting at home looking for jobs online. He used to be so social and I think he needs that but he just can’t or won’t get started.

    It bothered my a lot when he said I am the man in our relationship. He said that I am detached and standoffish. I wasn’t when we first started our relationship.

    So, my questions are two. 1. What can I do to help him realize he needs some kind of help? 2. The lack of feeling on my part during sex (which is usually an emotional event for me).. is that an indication that my marriage may be over? I know it is because I don’t trust him right now and haven’t for a long time, but I figured that would just make me guarded, not unfeeling. It felt so wrong and makes me worry.

  102. Ive been in a relationship with my husband for 12 and a bit long years, we got engaged after the first year only because I suggested it. We married 10 years and a child later.
    Our relationship has been really rocky since day dot. We travelled alot together and have an amazing sexually chemistry, Apart from that ….. not much else.
    My husband is a gambler and workaholic. I always found myself from the begining a back ground to his ego and ex lovers. I hung in for dear life because he is always on the go. incredibly goodlooking but emotionally abusive.
    Our relationship had really hid the skids once we got married and work for him took over. I tried to write him a letter to let him know how much his critically comments were hurting me and taking over my life and self esteem, he grabbed the letter and said, “I dont have time for you” I was really depressed at the time and drinking alot which he hated. Worst of all , he didnt really care that A: I was upset and B: I was no coping to look after our child. He told me one day he hated me so much he could punch me in the face. He has aggression and childhood issues, which i was always sympathetic for as well as my family. As our 2 year anniversary for our wedding came around which he didnt want to spend with me i decided to go away and it changed my life. I felt a sense of freedom and relief when i got home and ended my marriage. My child welcomed the fact, although only young sensed the tension. I have moved out but my husband will not let go and will do anything to keep us together. This has been a hard and abusive time. We had tried counselling in the past which I literally had to drag him too, since then he has vowed to change and do anything it takes to keep our family together. I am worried that illl fall into his charms. We have a ridiculous sex life even when we hate each other its full on passion, but thats not enough for the emotional hole i had when with him. Should we give full on counselling a go, or should i cut the ties and move onto a stable loving person???? INDIA

  103. Ok, so i am the woman & I cheated! no excuses but I had a rough childhood, oldest & only girl helping a single drug addicted mother raise 3 lil boys! my mom paid me no attention, so i sought it elsewhere & became a teenage mom-like my mom! i have always tried hard to make my mom proud of me-well to no avail & i’m 34 now! well, my husband & i have been together 10 yrs, married for 4yrs & separated for the last 2, since i cheated!
    i cheated for 3 reasons, he paid me no attention, nor the kids & i’m very big on family, he is content on being alone! he changed his work schedule from going to work at 5am & being home by 2pm to going to work at 5pm & getting off at 2am-so we always missed each other-he would complain about what he hates about me & what he wouldn’t tolerate in a wife (like me having male friends, but he had female friends), but if i ever mentioned something he needs to change, it always comes back to me! i hated life-i got up to 252 lbs. i cannot express myself in music nor clothes! so my needs have never been met in this relationship-except being financially taken care of!
    Second reason, he had sex with my lil cousin the summer he & i got together & never told me, so when it came out to me 4 or 5 yrs later, 1 miscarriage & a daughter later, (& clearly my cousin was jealous) it came to me that he raped her! so i wanted to humiliate him like he did me!
    and 3rd reason, was because i loved him so much that i wanted him to be happy & i knew he wasnt happy with us! when i slept in the bed, he slept on the sofa, when i woke up he would get in the bed-we were like roommates! i knew that if he found out that i was cheating he would leave!
    well fast forward to now, we separated in 2010, i moved to SC in 2011, i came home because i love no one like i love him, he keeps swearing that we are gonna work on this but every week the kids are (again) subjected to witness an unhealthy exchange between their parents, he calls me out of my name when he talks about me cheating, we have had some fights-i have had to be rushed to the hospital because i have fainted from arguing or being constantly badgered about my past sex life (i have congestive heart failure & type 2 diabetes)! he is an alcoholic & 6 1/2yrs younger than i am. now we are supposed to be moving in another apartment starting fresh & he tells me that his soul doesn’t agree with me-thats new! he has always said that he doesn’t trust me-even before i cheated! so last night he says he can never be proud of me or our marriage! smh-i don’t know what to do! i just know life can’t possibly be this miserable-i was happier when we were separated!

  104. Dear M,

    No, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable for wanting a healthy sex life in your marriage! But I also think that, unless you want your marriage to be over, you need to find satisfaction and fulfillment in your husband.

    I wrote this for you:

    How Do We Fix a Sexless Marriage?

    I hope it helps a little, and I welcome your thoughts.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  105. Dear Laurie

    I feel things might be beyond repair in my marriage. Excuse the long explanation but there’s no quick way of getting it across.

    I met my husband when I was 20 and we’ve been together 13 years, married 3 and have a two year old son. Right from word go we had issues with intimacy, so much so that I cheated on him early on, I didn’t hide it from him instead told him I wanted to break up as I didn’t believe we were right for each other as he showed such little interest in my sexually. He apologised, told me he adored me and asked for another chance, he said it was just the way he was but asked if I really just want a relationship based on the physical. That really struck home with me as I’d often felt the guys I’d dated before were more interested in sex than me as a person. So I gave him another chance and though we had ups and downs we grew to be great friends, but never great lovers. But whenever we were apart I missed him terribly and so felt it was worth working at. I also had a lot of emotional turmoil with my family during those years and at times felt very alone, he was always my rock and made me feel validated and loved – he’s always so proud of my achievements and quick to tell others how great I am.

    But here’s the problem. We’ve not been intimate since I feel pregnant shortly after our marriage. We’ve cuddled but nothing more, he barely even kisses me. I know he still loves me and would never cheat but I’ve become much more strong and independent in the past three years. I have a great set of friends, my family issues have settled down and my career is going well. I feel confident as a Mother and often had periods when I’m home alone and no longer feel I miss my husband when he’s not around. I became curious about how he was coping without Sex, I knew he must be taking care of himself but I couldn’t help but wonder what else he was doing. I started checking up on his internet use and found he was checking out a porn site. Nothing serious just photos. Years earlier when we were going through a dry spell I found a stash of mags, which I confronted him about, he was so sorry and I’ve never seen any evidence of such activity since. But finding this website really upset me, not because I’m a prude, I get that men are visual and often enjoy porn, it’s that he’s using it to satisfy himself instead of having a healthy relationship with me that bothers me so much. I final found the courage to bring it up with him and told him I feel completely disconnected from him and don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a sexless marriage. He’s promised to change and apologised for making me feel bad but I’m really not sure I feel enough for him anymore to keep trying.

    Is the truth that it’s over? Can we ever really become compatible?

    I really need some advice on this – am I’m being selfish and unreasonable to place such importance on sex?

    Thanks
    M

  106. Dear xyz,

    I don’t know if your marriage is over, or if your husband can find his way back to a healthy state of being. Right now, he is emotionally unhealthy, and there is nothing you can do to change that.

    He is manipulating and controlling you. It’s so hard to change that behavior – both for him and for you – but you can’t live in a marriage like that.

    I wrote this for you:

    When You’re Tired of Making All the Effort in Your Marriage

    I hope it helps a little, and welcome your thoughts.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  107. Hi there,

    My marriage has had lots of ups and downs, my husband and I seem not to be able to understand each other, at times we fight over things that blow out into huge fights. We aren’t capable of communicating in a good way, he will reproach me that i am not direct and getting angry for nothing while i tell him that he isn’t doing his fair share in the conflict cause he turns his back and leave.. I take it as an offense because he is ignoring me..

    Since last year i struggle to feel secure as he cheated on me and i couldn’t feel reassured… we fought lots in front of the kids. He is Bipolar 2 and 2 months ago he tried to commit suicide and i was by his side through everything… We still had issues afterwards because i felt this could have made a difference and made us grow closer but nothing. 2 weeks ago we had a big fight because he didn’t want to answer a question about money and again i’ve asked him a straight forward question where the money came from and he didn’t answer me, he just said from his account. I felt hurt because he used to blame me because of our finance.. i spend too much etc and that’s why at times he keeps money aside for me not to know..

    Again i’ve learned this morning he is having a very dangerous friendship with a girl that he sends homemade cookies from our home, takes her food for lunch and tells her that he misses her etc while me he can’t tell me that he misses me and loves me…

    After confronting him, he told me he needs time and space to think if he wants to be in the relationship… he has been arrogant towards me and insensitive too… I went to talk to him, telling him we are about to make a big commitment for a house and it will be a new beginning something we can focus and it will be so nice… and i’ve asked him to text the girl to tell her that they need to end the friendship but he refused… i was hurt again…

    Now i am the one who is taking my distance as i am drained, tired and so hurt… It will be my daughter’s birthday on Thursday we had made so many plans but it is falling into pieces…

    I don’t know what to do.. I am lost… i am hurt

  108. known my wife 50 yes been married 43, Can’t stand to talk to her,eat with her be around her.I have so much animosity toward her I get ill just looking at her. For the last 20yrs its like talking to wall.She never does what she says she will do. I feel like i have been beating a dead horse.Try everything to save marriage but nothing has worked So now I have shut down.We are just existing together.We got married at the age of 21 me and her 19.Tried to have affair felt to guilty could not perform.No sex or contact of any kind just passing time. Lord how it ever get this screwed up.

    1. I hear you Jim. I’ve been married 45 years… very unhappily.
      Life is just miserable. Two kids, no grandchildren. His
      Family was a big part of the problem. But we are just
      incompatible. He demeans me.. life is such a chore.
      No joy.

  109. Dear Nicole,

    I can’t believe your marriage is over — it’s just going through growing pains! Believe me, I’ve been there and done that. I think what you and your husband are going through is normal.

    Here’s what I wrote for you:

    Is the First Year of Marriage the Hardest?

    I hope it helps. Let me know how things turn out.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  110. Hello Kristina,

    Here are a few thoughts for you. No easy answers or fairy dust to solve your marriage struggles, but a few thoughts….

    My Husband Only Wants Sex – How Do I Increase Our Emotional Connection?

    I hope it helps a little – especially the part about you not being alone! My husband and I have discussed something similar in our own marriage, which I share in the blog post.

    Sincerely,
    Laurie

  111. my husband and i seperayed 11 months ago. due to him cheating with a married woman we are just now starting to talk i still love him and want to work things out. how do i approach the topic or should i just keep acting like we are strangers? i am driving myself crazy wanting my family back. hopeless

  112. My husband and i have been married for just over a year. I recently told him that i feel emotionally empty and more like we are good friends than husband and wife. He said he feels the same way. He got very angry and hasn’t talked to me much in a couple days. We haven’t been intimate in quite a while, like a couple weeks. I don’t know how to fix this and make him talk to me again. He wont tell me he loves me. Recently he made a new female friend at work. It makes me very uncomfortable. He assures me that they are just friends, but i have a hard time believing him. He works night shift and hasn’t been coming home on his lunches (he used to every night). He says he just sleeps in his car or takes a drive, but again im not sure if i believe it. I miss him terribly and i want everything to be good again. I just dont know if he is trying to distance himself from me, or if i just need to give him space and let him talk when he is ready. I dont know if its normal to feel disconnected through the first year or so of marriage. I have heard it is the hardest. He has always been wonderful to me. He is a very nice person. Im afraid that my feelings of emptyness were based on something temporary and i just hurt him by saying what i did. I just need advice!

  113. Laurie,

    My husband and I have been going through a rough time lately, and I dont know how much longer I can hand in there and keep trying. We have three beautiful girls, including a lovely 8 month old baby. Throughout our marriage we have had rough patches. He used to be destructive, and kick or hit things and dent or break them. While i was pregnant this last time he seemed to be very good, and we seemed to be getting along well. Then, a month or two after she was born he started getting very irritable a lot. Honesty has been a major issue as it is very important to me, and i have caught him in many lies. Mostly regarding him chewing tobacco. I am against it as he leaves spitters around, and my oldest accidentally drank one, and since them it is no more. Therefore he has been lying about it. We also have not been intimate very often,and it only happens, so he will stop asking and leave me alone. I get very frustrated as it seems that is all he wants is a physical relationship. He is either grabbing me in front of my kids, which makes me mad, or always suggesting it. Where I would rather talk ,and build more of an emotional connection, all he wants is a physical one. He is easily angered, and yells and swears a lot as well. I just dont know how long someone really has to keep trying, but i dont want to look back, and say I should have tried harder. Please give some advice. We have tried marriage counceling before, but he is not big on communication, criticism, or flexibility.

  114. I am recently going through some trying things in my marriage. My husband is always accusing me of cheating. He is never satisfied with anything that I do for him. He says that I’m irresponsible and that I only think of myself. I have really taken on a lot since we got married. We have only been married for two months and it already feels like our relationship is over. He has two children outside our marriage and he is on probation. Therefore, his problems are my problems. I took on that responsibility with no appreciation. I feel so alone in our home. We argue constantly about the same thing. It never ends. I recommended that we do marriage counseling but he refused and said that I am the only one with the problem, that I need counseling. I have never cheated on my husband. Anything he needs me to do I do it. I mean, I didn’t marry because it was something to do. I married my husband because I love him and I thought that he loved me. Moreover, I felt that we were connected and that we would be happy together. I guess he is just not happy with me or maybe he’s just not happy with himself. He told me yesterday that he would be better off with his ex-girlfriend. Then he threatened to call her to come to our house (For his sake and hers–not a bright idea.) What can I do to fix this? I have prayed countless time but it seems like God is not listening. Did I marry the wrong man or could we make this work? Is my marriage over?

  115. Hi Matt,

    The first thing to remember is that healing takes time. You and your wife are mourning the end of your marriage as it was (the innocence and initial trust is gone), and are getting down to the hard part of being married. Rebuilding your marriage takes a long time, and you need to be patient.

    My friend’s husband cheated on her; they stayed together, but it took my friend 6 years to be truly comfortable with her husband again. The first chapter of their marriage is over; they’re now into the deeper, richer chapters. Healing and growth takes time – like a strong oak tree doesn’t grow overnight. Or even in a year or two.

    Also, you need to allow yourself to mourn your loss. You loved the woman you cheated with, and you won’t stop thinking about her overnight. You’re mourning the end of that relationship. It was a wrong, immoral relationship — but it was still important to you.

    Here are some suggestions that may help you rebuild your marriage and let go of the other woman:

    How Do I Stop Thinking About the Other Woman?

    I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  116. My wife and I argue about parents and past rubbish. We have had physical fights where I’ve pushed her or grabbed her our communication is zero, she is always on the edge unapproachable and very controlling . I try to help as much as i can and buy her personal gifts to try and make her happy but most of the time i dont even get a thankyou or even a kiss or a smile She has been married before (no children) and keeps in contact with the ex husband aswell as various male ex work associates via sms if I asked to see the SMS she tells me to leave and starts an argument but if I mention an ex she hits the roof , if I talked to other woman or had woman friends she’d hit the roof . I love my son and wife and don’t know what to do I am no angel in all of this but I feel the amount of energy I put in to her I get nothing back until I resent her selfishness and her excuse is always the past or she didnt ask for the gift, shes tired or feels sick and complains that she looks after our son and that all the problems are my fault and a result of the way I talk to her or treated her in the past . She actually put me on to this site so I posted this in hope of some advice. I love my wife but sometimes I look at her and just see a controlling b***h that is so hard to get along with someone where everything is a problem or an issue. Happy to talk about herself all day long but never interested in me. Everything is about what she wants or thinks is right my point of view is worthless or pushed aside and criticized

  117. i had a love marriage, i went against my parents and my husband went against his parents. it has been 4 years. recently he has just stopped caring about me. he fights, says hurtful things, never ever apologises or tries to make up after we have an argument. it is only me who has to keep my anger aside and approach him, always. when he fights, he just leaves me alone for hours without telling me where is he going or when he will be back. sometimes he becomes so angry that i have to cry in his feet to make him stop. he hits himself when he is angry, and very voilently. it scares me. despite repeated requests and promises, he always starts beating himself if i argue with him. these days he even threatens that he will start beating himself if i dont agree to him. although he has never hit me, or cheated on me, its his lack of care for me and my feelings that just kills me. i had an abortion and he never called me from his office to ask if i was ok. even when i was bleeding with abortion, he never offered me help in household chores. when i confronted him about these issues, he said things like, “no no, i love you and all. i cant divorce u. i’ll die if you leave me. i have no one, my parents left me and if u also leave, i have nothing left.”
    but thing is, i am making all the efforts, he is not. i am tired now. i want to be cared for. i feel so lonely and unhappy always. i feel that there should be someone to care for me too, to pamper me, to cajole me. but there is no one.
    what should i do? is my marriage over?
    even if i realise this, my husband is not going to accept it. i fear he might harm himself. please tell me what should i do.

  118. Hi, Laurie. My name is Matt and I am looking for support and guidance. I recently confessed to my wife that I had been cheating for nearly a year. This affair took place while I was away from home on business. The affair was not just physically, we became emotionally involved. I am not attempting to justify my actions. They are beyond justification. However, when I left we had been at the apex of nearly three years of very hard times when she had stopped responding to me. Now, we are both seeking help. We are working very hard to get back to one another and in some ways our relationship is at its most healthy. I am, however, struggling. There are days where I miss the other woman and I have repeatedly cut contact with her only to get in touch with her again. My decision about how to conduct myself in this situation has been made but my resolve is not where it needs to be. Is there any insight you would be willing to give that would help me get to a place where I no longer feel the desire or temptation to speak to this woman?

    I would like to save my marriage and be the man and husband that I know that I can be. My wife is making changes regarding how she approached our marriage before. I’d like to make changes into what was bad in me that allowed me to do something this hurtful.

  119. Heya Trish, your story seems all too familiar, and I’m really sorry to hear that. Out of curiosity, have you tried any of the tips within this article? Or is it simply a case of him being reluctant to talk about it?

    If this is the case and you feel like nothing is working, have you tried the “Save My Marriage” system? There have been some incredible success stories, so maybe it can help you too. The online presentation alone is very, very helpful.

    – I wish you all the best.

  120. Me and my husband have been together for 8years and we’ve been through alot. He is very jealous and he thinks if I go out, im going to be cheating. I never go out but he goes out every weekend. He always calls me names and talks about the way I look..He doesnt help me financialy with my daughters and he doesnt even take care of his daughters. Its been like this since I had my kids. what should I do.. because i seriously dont have any feelings for him anymore.

  121. i have been married for a year and we have a 18 month old son together. in the past my husband had been talking to his ex and he had her phone number he had also been talking to girls saying he would rather be with them then making money for his family and he kept telling girls how beautiful they are but he wasnt telling me that i was pretty. we had signed divorce papers and i kissed a coworker which i told him about and i apologised many times he brings it up a lot. recently i had an ectopic pregnancy and that caused some stress and while i had it he shoved me and i fell and broke a pack and play and got injured the police were called and we didnt see eachother for a week we decided to stay together but we argue all the time and when hes not at work which is 5 hours a day he is always sleeping or on facebook or watching tv we barely even speak and he barely spends time with me or our son. i dont know what to do anymore ive told him how i feel but nothing changes.

  122. Dear Sad girl,

    You didn’t ask if your marriage is over, but I think your boyfriend wants to end your relationship. It’s so difficult to face the truth, but I think he’s already gone (emotionally and mentally, if not physically).

    I wrote this to answer your question:

    How Do I Talk to My Boyfriend So He Listens to Me?

    I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  123. ive been with my boyfriend for 4 yrs we have a beautiful 1 yr old daughter & well lately he spends all day everyday outside in the garage watching tv & he doesnt care abt spending anytime with me & when I go tell him that its wrong that he is always outside and he doesnt spend no time w/me he tells me I bitch alot he nvr wants to listen to me & tells me to leave…& when I ask him if he’s tired of me & he says yes idk wat to do anymore ;(

  124. Close to 20 years of marriage this Nov. Afraid to let go and start over. Discovered text messages last year and uncovered his infidelity. He swears no physical relations, but I don’t believe him.Trust is gone, no romance. He likes to go out to dinner, but I find he only wants to go in our geographic area. We use to go to all parts of town for years. Keeps family info limited and now his friends as well. I feel I’m totally isolated from his world. Comes home every night, but we’re like room mates co-existing. Nothing in common. I feel I want to take my daughter and start a new life. I’m realizing that I think he’s preparing to leave me. He told me this weekend that I deserve to be happy and be with someone who enjoys what I like (church, museums,music, dancing).My life was raising the kids, caregiver for parent who passed away, working/going to school nights. Now Kids are 20 and 13. He’s not physically abusive gets moody, nasty attitude/comments and terrorizes the dog. Sneaks alcohol in beverages every evening. Light bulb has come on and I believe he too is unhappy. He’s comlacent and stinnnngy, I believe he would rather suffer than pay child support.

  125. Well it is of no surprise the outright majority will be females who have been wronged by males. I myself am in a different circumstance. I have tried to push ahead in life with my relationship, for the pure fact that we have two children and it seems to be the morally right and socially acceptable thing to do. However, I am ending it….for the pure fact that I do not love this woman as one who needs a partner they can trust, should. It is to no fault of her own, she could not see what the relationship needed, and had instead focused on what articles like this had listed. Communication is paramount, but as much as everyone thinks they know, it is a two way street and listening is skill that we as humans must learn.

  126. My guy does not touch me, and he has been talking to his ex trying to bring old feelings up. I want to leave him, but can’t find the strength. I feel no one else will love me.

  127. My husband cheated on me with 3 hookers then just told me out the blue. I don’t know what to do now and to be honest he looks very pathetic to me now. He just tells me recently and now hes right back to complaining about his life and about how no one supports him nor cares about him. I can’t understand him its like he only is thinking of himself.

  128. Feeling low, because of my spouse calls me vulgar names and cusses to me right in front of our two beautiful chideren, 5 and 3 when we attempt to communicate. This has caused noticeable anxiety in our 5 year old boy, about to start kindergarten next week. It’s so unfair to them!

  129. Confused – Give him the divorce! He’s an abusive asshole. You are in an abused “coma”. Let him out – get rid of him. You don’t need to live your life like that. He’s a pig.

    It’s a blessing…believe me.

  130. Hurtin – I agree with Kim! I think you should leave him and go back to your family. He will not change – so either you have to live with him the way he is right now, or let him go.

    I hope you’re able to let him go. It’s devastating when a marriage ends, but it really is the best thing sometimes. It doesn’t feel like it – it’ll be so painful in the short term – but in the long run, you’ll be glad you left.

  131. Dear Confused,

    I wrote this article for you:

    Why Are You Too Insecure to Leave a Bad Marriage?

    I hope it helps you see that your marriage ending may be the best thing that has ever happened to you.

  132. I need help and advise please, my husband has asked me for a divorce and i do not know what to do or think!!!
    we have been together for 17 years and married for 14, yes after time we did not value you each other, and our marriage became a chore when i found out he was on a chat site. he told me then he was not happy but only after i found out he was on the chat site. but never before that, i have found messages and pics on his phone. i literally have to sneak his phone when he has passed out as he keeps that phone so close to him he never lets it out of his site even if he goes to the loo. he told me he wanted a divorce with a sms message> but still wants me only for sex……. i just give in because I love him.
    alot of things have happend between us. He wanted a threesome i did it for him to make our marriage more exciting, i slept with another guy because he wanted me too, and in the end he went and told everybody i was messing around and did not tell them the truth why i did it. He beat me up so bad when friends of our asked if my husband will impreganate them, as the male friend could not have kids and they bady wanted children, we agreed then my husband and “girl friend” said on one condition that her husband and i have to sleep together that aswell then we cant hold anuthing against each other. after all said and done we did, only to find out they said they could not go through it. i was beaten black and blue my eyes were beaten shut! he punished me and i had to have sex with him for his forgiveness.
    I know a marriage must come from both sides and it is hard work to keep it alive. but i am so tired of being the one that is aleays blamed and the bad one when everything is put on me.
    I have got bank statement where he has been depositing money into other womans account for naked pictures, and trasnfereing airt time to their phones.
    I am so confused and very unhappy, i feel so insecure about myself, i do not know what to do.
    we have children together.
    he buys them, and i have seen messages where he has told them it is my fault that he is divorcing me. Now i look bad in my childrens eyes but not once have i spoken him bad to his kids, but he can do it about me.
    I want out but i do not know where to go, my salary will not be enough to get a place of my own so i have to stay.
    i have always been honest with him, i do not mess around but he is always accusing me that i do…. i do not go anywhere if my children are not with me, they are his little informants that let him know what i do.
    any help or word of advise will be appreciated.

  133. Looks like it's over...

    6 out of 7 are right on the dot. I don’t have to wait until the “cheating” part to tell me it’s really over.

  134. Hurtin – I know that you are in a very bad place right now, and you won’t want to hear what I have to say to you, but if you have family back home and a good support system – I say run for the door.

    If you do not get out of this relationship, you will suffer more of the same I’m afraid. Don’t waste your life with this man. He has a problem and there’s noone that can help him. You deserve so much better than what he’s giving you. Go home. Go to the family that loves you.

  135. Hello, Kindly help me. I am at the end of the road. I recently married early this year. I dated my husband for 6 yrs long distance. We met when I lived in his country but I moved overseas and we continued the relationship. However, earlier on, about 3 yrs, I received a link from my hubby inviting me to join a certain website. I clicked it and found a picture of my hubby and his many female friends very unappropriately dressed and it showed how many emails he had sent and what he received. He had sent out over 1000 messages. I was broken but he kept assuring me he had never met any of these women but just communicated over internet. I forgave him and then again.
    I gave up my whole life -left my job, family and friends to move to another country to be with my husband. So while in his country I was using his laptop and found a few women’s pictures that were very provocative. I managed to get into his email and found many messages he had been commnicating with women before I came. I confronted him and it was the same answer. I, however, forgave him.
    We moved past that and again yesterday I was on FB using his because I don’t have my own account. I found some very hurting conversations he’s been having with women before I arrived and even now he tries to speak to them -most of the conversations are from before and leading to the months I arrived. Please help me I don’t know what to do. We got married legally but are having a wedding celebration next month and I’ve been tears since yesterday. I spoke with him and he assured me again that he didn’t meet these women -said he is sorry cried and so forth but I don’t know. Please help me, please. I don’t know what to do. I just want to walk away and go back home. Please help me.

  136. Want2leavemyhusband –

    I’m sorry you are going through this my dear and I feel your pain. My X was a serial cheater, narcassistic, alcoholic and I feel your pain. He cheated over and over again on me, so I know where you are coming from.

    You are not taking anything out of context. Married me shouldn’t be texting other woman. It’s as simple as that. Trust your gut, and I’m afraid if you want to stay in the relationship you will suffer more of the same.

    The only advice I can give you is to start caring for yourself. Divorce sucks and none of us got married to get divorced, but sometimes it’s the only thing to be done. Expecially if your not being treated with respect and being emotionally abused like that. Make no mistake, it is abuse.

    Go see a therapist to help you come to grips with what you want out of life and to help you through this tough time. Blessings to you my dear.

  137. My husband has been unfaithful. I learned last year that he was. He says he love me and want our marriage but, he is still with his mistress & denies it. We have never had locked phones. And I have never seen his phone down in a year. It’s always on him. He lies & the cheated has affected his company because of the lack of work. I have no clue what to do. He never shows me any different. Other that I don’t make him feel special, but I do anything he asked. Now I am at the last rope. We have 3 young children & i am searching for work incase of the worse. Does anyone have any advice. Plus he says he depressed. And need me, but it’s the same thing over & over.

  138. want2leavemyhusband

    Hi,
    My husband has cheated on more than 5 times since we got married3 years. He even done it while I was sick in the hospital due to our first child.These were not one night stand type of thing. He had emotional affairs(as far as I know, I highly suspected that he was also intimate with at least two women). Each affair lasted at least for 3 months. I have attempted to leave the marriage several times, but each time, my family and friends mediated us( I’m from a tradition were divorce is highly discouraged). Our last fight was November,2011.He denied the affairs each time and made me look like I was paranoid. He is always dismissing the situation and it’s always the same answer: were are “just friends” ,nothing is going on, “it’s not what it seems”. The ladies are all his coworkers…he is a contractor so he takes a new contract every few months and that’s when he starts the affair. He met the current woman he is talking to February,2012. I suspected he was at it again but I was afraid of finding out about it so I was avoiding it till yesterday, when he handed me his cellphone to check he’s new apps. I check his email and my worse nightmare come to life! He has been communicating with this lady at least 20 times a day! Note: She was let go of the company last week and he was still communicating with her, he even told her that he had a dream of her and asked her how she was doing.

    A little background about the lady: He is a high level contractor and she is an entry level employee in a different department.
    o her after she has been let
    Now my question is: Why would he still talk to her after she has been let go, provided that they were in a different department and held to unrelated positions. Also, do you think it’s appropriate that he told he that he had a dream of her?

    He is telling me that ” read it out of context”

    Please help me! Idon’t know what to do anymore.
    Thank for all your input!!

  139. Anonymous, Please seek help from a professional. The greatest gifts in life are sometimes found in some of the hardest times. You are still a worthwhile human being and you will get through this difficult time. Forgive yourself!!

  140. Peter I agree. Infidelity is a symptom and not a cause. Any good relationship is built on communication. For those guys out there who think that your wife’s complaints about “we don’t communicate” or “you don’t understand” are just traits of a woman, go home tonight and find out were the hell things went wrong – FAST. If she has given up on trying to communicate with you, this is your sign. Without communication, your marriage is a ticking time bomb – because every storm becomes more difficult to weather and when the big one hits, you won’t be able to put things back together. A lack of communication ultimately divides a couple and they seek out those who do communicate with and understand them. I cheated on my wife (via text) while she was really sick – I let my jealousy of her supportive friends blind me to everything which should have been important – like focusing on my wife. As a result, my wife fell in love with her supportive friend and is now on the way out the door. She is trying to give me a chance, but our communication was so poor that all I could do is hurt her more as I continued to fix all the wrong things. My family is gone. My life is over. I cannot forgive myself. I want to kill myself. Please don’t learn from my mistakes. Everyday I wake up, I search for reasons to stay alive, but I am running low on excuses – my current motivation is that I would feel like such a coward for not manning up to the consequences of the hurt I put her through and I cannot leave my son. She is all that I have known for the last 10 years. I love her soo much. I love my son soo much. She deserved soo much better. Please don’t learn from my mistakes.

  141. To John with the 27 year old model wife.

    You don’t need her to build up your confidence – she’s obviously bringing it down. Find yourself a good therapist to help you with your self esteem. Work on you –

    Look up narcassists. This may enlighten you a lot to why your wife is behaving like this.

    Don’t ever question your self worth my friend. You are deserving of a happy and healthy relationship and don’t you forget it!

  142. John,

    you have to build up confidence and feel worthy without getting validation from another person. of course everyone wants their spouse to feel attracted to them but don’t base your sole confidence on whatever positive or negative comments ur wife may feel or say towards you. you have to learn to love and accept yourself before anyone else ever will. whether you feel over weight or not you still carry yourself like you are the man you wish to look like, until you loose the weight. oh yea don’t feel like having money is going to make everything better. money cant buy true love, friendship, or confidence. love who u are and evryhting will hopefully line up for you. good luck

  143. Wow. He cheated,not once but twice. We have been married it would have been 6 years 8/25. I do not know for sure what happened except that I went back to school, and could not give the 100% attention I always gave. I do get snappy when I cant meet his needs, he said this was part o it. But I have been a loving and dedicated wife partner for our entire relationship, I always was able to let him know when something bothered me. But he couldent come to me, he sought attention and help from anther, when she rejected him he ran to another to spite her, neither got hurt in the process, just me. He came back 3 times, and left just as fast. Now he asked for a devorce, in a letter, not even face to face. Coward. I deserved better

  144. hi, quick and to the point. My wife is 27 and I am 42. She likes to go out and party with her model friends but does not really want me there with her. I dont have many friends outside of her and her friends, so i feel left out and alienated. I have been out with her recently and she gives me the cold ahoulder and laughs and looks at guys with her friends in front of me which made me really angry one night. She was angry back saying she did nothing wrong and that I was to possessive and kept her in “jail” When I say we should split she says “fine…if that is what you want lets do it” which is not what I want to hear. I have A lot of money more than 5,000,000 in assets but absolutely no self confidence because she is a model type and I am a little overweight. I told her I would need her to rebuild my confidence up by being really nice then I would be confident enough to let her go out without me, It is a mess because we have a 4 year old boy. Should I leave? or make her leave? I have nannys and housekeepers in my employ already.

  145. Alexa,
    It is obvious that you did not read the articles very well, at least not mine.
    The topic of the forum is not to understand why marriaged fall, but to know when they are near the end as is the case with mine. Your comments have some obvious contradictions in them and I would like to point them out. When you forgive someone, that means you move on and do not bring the issue up in the future. If she is trying to get back at me, that means she did not forgive. And you did not read well, I am the one who is willing to forgive, save the marriage and move on. And you also did not read well that I did not have any physical contact with my “affair: who was btw overseas, so yes I cannot stand the fact that she kissed another guy all the while she violently rejects even holding hands with me.
    I will most certainly survive this. In retrospect, I am glad I owned up to my “affair” and let everything be known. On occasions, I might have regreted, but after her seeing her behavior after being cuaght, I am confident I did not make a mistake. Simply becuase there is nothing better than clear conciousness, knowing I did all that I could. Comparing that with her ridicoulus explanations for posting on numerous sites, constantly lying, pretending nothing happened. And, yes, there was not a single “sorry” from her in all this.
    IN any case, the past couple of days have crystalized the notion that my marriage is over. And these affairs are not what brought it down.People often confuse the cause and the pretext. World War I did not start because some random guy shot some czar or a king, but that was a pretext. Affairs start after marriage breaks down and that is how some partners look for a way out. Our marriage broke down becuase of other reasons, not because of these affairs.
    I by no means I feel sorry for myself. Depression and soul seraching are normal reactions. Not unimportantly there are kids to think about and all that. But, sometimes good things have to be dismantled so that better things can be built.

  146. ***Disclaimer, I am not a professional, just a gal who speaks her mind.

    How offensive that this has become a gender war for the men commenting. You guys are feeling sorry for yourselves? One guy because he cheated and can’t stand to think she would even kiss a guy and the other guy jealous cause she won’t OBEY your dresscode? Get real! Peter, maybe she wants to get back at you and maybe she is just trying to find out if she is still sexy. A woman who is cheated on starts to feel insecure, maybe that is why she with holds sex in the first place. Or maybe you’re not doing it the way she wants. If you want her to stay, you will have to forgive her just as she forgave you. Let her know sex should be just as pleasant for her as it is for you, then she might respond to you better.

    Kai, you have issues. Sounds like you not only despise your spouse, you have a problem with women in general. We women still earn less than men, have less professional opportunities, face more violence and poverty, all over the world. So, we are far from taking over the planet and raping men. Some women are taught from an early age that their sexuallity is a comodity to help them get a husband or nice things or even a job. In other parts of the world, it can make the difference of whether or not they put food on the table. Maybe your wife is just trying to get your attention or maybe you are imaging things. But you should not be in a relationship with someone you can’t stand being in public with.

    I have the opposite problem, not enough time for intimacy. My spouse and I are growing apart, which sucks cause he is my best friend. Maybe we will work it out, only time will tell.

  147. Hi Peter,

    I didn’t respond to you, and didn’t write an article. I’m not sure what Kai is referring to.

    I’m really sorry – I wasn’t sure how to respond to your comment! You have so much going on, and I can’t offer personal advice. There are too many things going on that I’m not aware of, and I don’t want to mislead you – or anyone reading the comments.

    That said, however, my heart goes out to you — and everyone who is struggling with the thought that their marriages might be over. It’s such a terrible, complicated experience. I really encourage getting counseling. Not necessarily marriage counseling, but counseling to help you cope with whatever comes next.

    I will read through your comment again, and see if I have any general tips that may help. Again, I can’t offer personal advice.

    Sincerely,
    Laurie

  148. Kai,
    I could not find the response from Laurie. Could you direct me to the article?
    Thank you for your support. I assume that the response was that I am the guilty party, which is OK. I can take that. My mistake was that carrying on after my “affair” was a sign of forgiveness. After all, even in “fault” states if a woman sleeps with her husband after infidelity that is a sign that she moved on and has no reasons to sue later on. Yes, our marriage is one of assymetry. My wife has always used sex as a barganing chip, claiming that she does not need it and that is my reward for “good behavior”. I guess I was always a man of somewhat low self esteem and I put that on myself.However, our story does have updates. Soon after I posted, I found out that she did not only posted on one site but on multiple sites. All full blown profiles with pictures and everything. I found checked profiles of men she apparently liked on many sites. What was a full-blown smack in the head was a number of searches on dating sites, google, chat forums about “how to date a married woman”, “pitfalls of dating a married woman” “why men talk dirty online”, “how not to be a pervert”, even for terms like “eating man’s cake”. Numerous links to background checks, reverse phone numbers lookups. Even the search ” I kissed a man and did not feel anything? Why?” My head was absolutely spinning. Months of lies and deception. And then come more lies. When confronted, she came up with a story of lonelines and just looking for friends, even claiming she did not post pictures when I actually have them on disk. She quickly went on to delete the profiles from the sites I mentioned to her, but left intact those that I did not. Quite stupis behavior, caught liek a dear in the headlights. And no she did not kiss anyone, but no explanation for the search. Could anybody come up with a reasonable explanation why would a woman do such a serch. I am dying to get an unbiased opinion. Just when you think you know somebody. To think that I actually believed that she does not like sex!! I could only imagine what her mailbox looks like! Do I even want to know?
    At this moment, I am still ready to move on, but again, the fault is mine!! “If you want to stay with me it is OK, otherwise I can’t stop you from leaving” are the actual words”. It is difficult to equalize the things we did to each other, but I cannot forgive her now only to plot how to hurt her bad down the road. This is what she did to me. In her defence for my presenting the evidence, my “affair” constantly came up. She still refuses therapy and I am at a breaking point. She still claims she has not done anything wrong and I guess according to Laurie’s article this smells like the end. I refuse to believe that, but I guess it is a matter of time before more truth smacks me in the face and wakes me up from this illusion that I live in.

  149. My question to Laurie: Is that All that you are going to say to peter? You have totally thrown in to the sea of forgotten the reason he got to the infidelity in the first place. Maybe you need to go back and review that article. I mean seriously , what the hell could he have done to stop her from acting like that? All too often women want men to be men and understand why he has to go a whole year without sex, sandwhiched with disconnection and disrespect on HER part, mentally beat us for what their fire mothers went thru with our forefathers which none of either sex had nothing to do with or know anything of,(which made life better and women and children more respectable and families STAYED TOGETHER), have freedom to be with other people and show off, and then you wanna make stupid little forums about how to subtly throw the man under the bus when the WOMAN IS THE ONE DOING IT ALL???!! Women have gone too far and its time us husbands had done something about it. You are like my wife; the woman with her husband in walmart with the tight shorts that crawl into her juicy ass that i asked her not to wear because its doing exactly what i didnt want which is other men having their attention GRABBED by it but show me enogh respect only because im there to not yell out DAM!! that ass is juicy, but would approach her if i werent there. and when they turn away her walk changes statements from im sexy to if you dont look at me theres going to be big problems. im going through the same as you peter only difference is the four kids i helpd her raise are not biologically mine; which makes it even harder. And everyday i ask myself the same question as you while these reptilian women get congress’ support to sabotage and rape us of our manhood for a mere laugh.If there was ever an organization to put an end to such debauchery and mutilation of the man child species, you can bet your man panties you can look me up and make me apart of the regime!

  150. Hi Sush

    I can understand how you feel. From an NRI to another NRI lady, you should pray about it and leave, if this issue keeps coming back. There can be no excuse for adultery in a healthy marriage. Be strong and take it step by step. I will be praying for you.

  151. Just about the only thing positive about reading these posts is realization that we are not alone. So many similarities with my story, yet it is subtle little things that make all the difference. I am not sure if I can get any help here, but I will put my (shortened version anyways)story.
    We married 18 years ago (coming up shortly), were both each others first partners. Just simply fell in love and married. Marriage worked quite well, we never had any of those “standard” problems: we were both frugal with money, modest, faithful to each other, were not too much into this “great sex” thing that you can read in magazines or on the internet. We had a lot to talk about, joking all the time and had two children. She is a great mother and role model. Basically, everything I would want in a wife. However, a nagging issue that was not addressed from the outset was our relationships with each other’s families. The funny things about this is that we are immigrants and our families do not even live in the same country. She never hid it that she hates my family even though she never spoke to many of them nor they ever visited us. She even went that far to teach kids how their cousins are bad kids even though she never met them! (BTW, they are valedictorians in their schools, but that is not the point). This issue surfaced when her mother visited here, which turned out to be a weird experience for me. They were literally fighting about everything and her mother went home crying. She vowed never to talk to her and her father again, which she did. This was quite a surprise to me given that when we dated, it looked like a very healthy family to me. Both her parents adored me, so to this day, I am not sure what happened between them. This was 11 years go, fast forward three years ago, we had not had sex for 11 months. She chose to sleep with kids who she adores. I did not press the issue, which is the first problem in our marriage. We just do not communicate well. When I occasionally mentioned this, she would cite work, being tired, kids love it etc etc. When I offered household help, I could never get it right; there is always too much water on the counter, a spot on the dishes etc… To this day, I do not know what triggered this, but this turned out to be beginning of all the current troubles. Things turned to worse when her father died. I tried to help with grieving and offered to talk how to help financially with the funeral and all (which she did not attend, btw) etc. She just clammed up, did not want to talk to me at all. At that time, I was simply fed up and primed myself to the biggest mistake of my life. I basically opened myself to respond to whatever romantic oppportunity came along. Not seeking, just responding. Unfortunately, it did. An aggressive woman approached me at a meeting and we started chatting over the email. I kept my composure not to do anything physical, zero (not a touch). Nevertheless this would basically amount to cheating. This went on for about three weeks. As life would have it, she found the emails and one text message and was devastated. I stopped immediately, but we never talked about it more. So, in the books, this went as my being a cheater. Nothing about lack of sex for the past whole year or any other reason why I was shut out (this is not an excise for what I did). She did offer to go to counseling back then, but I refused, because I knew that what I did was a mistake and I stopped and promised never to do anything stupid like that. No need for someone else to tell me that. Now, the part that scares me the most. In the meantime, it looked to me she forgave me, but only on the surface. We would have sex, but out of nowhere she started using lubricants. We would never kiss, or any other foreplay. She simply refused me to satisfy her in any way. So, it felt like I was raping somebody,which I mentioned to her several times. Response was always be happy that you get something, many men do not even have that. After sex I would have this guilty sinking feeling I am hurting her and I just could not take it any more. I can’t physically hurt the person I love! I started being frustrated and wanted to talk about what is going on. She refused most of the time then on occasions would mention my “affair”. Then, since the end of last year she again began refusing sex. We are back to being close to breaking our “record”. She does not even want me in bed, trying to stay as far away as possible. Any attempt on any kind of touch (even holding hands) is met with a violent negative response. She began to be frustrated with taking care of children, constantly mentioning how she does everything and not being appreciated, how she wishes to go on vacation somehwere by herself, just to be alone etc etc. I began breaking down and started saying that I will leave her if she does not at least want to talk to me. All to no avail. I guess, this is another mistake; don’t say it if you don’t mean it! But, again, when things build up inside, some sort of outlet must be found. Now, to top it all off, I found out that she posted her profile on a dating site and to my direct question whether she is dating anyone responds “if I did I would be much happier”. She also started posting provocative pictures of herself on Facebook. Of course, she blocked me from viewing her profile, but I have friends who showed me those pictures. All in all, our life now consists of her sitting behind computer, closing windows as soon as I am around, locking it when leaving for a while, while I desperately try to establish any kind of communication and live in frustration. Our family life has basically disappeared. No more family outings (we take children out separately), no family vacations, no friends over. She has established a new circle that consists mostly of divorced women who claim to have great sex life and are showing off their much younger lovers with great bodies. All of a sudden, I need muscles, great six packs etc. Divorce has become a viable option for her, which is a complete turnaround from when we met, when she was always apprehensive of anyone who divorced and I had to give up a male friend who divorced.
    I guess the question here is as the topic suggests: “Is my marriage over?” Are these all signs that she is heading for the exits and as soon as good opportunity comes along she will leave me? Is she just going through midlife crisis? Till some of these questions are resolved, I am destined to a life without any kind of love, communication, being called scary monster etc, let alone any sex. A corollary question is ” Should I be heading for the exits? I do love her (she would chuckle on this one) and just cannot imagine my life after divorce. Also, the idea that my girls will have another “father” simply devastates me. On the other hand, I am 46, not exactly the time to go out and build again something useful and stable. To say that I am depressed is understatement. Many times I contemplated suicide, even thought of how to write the final letter

    Needless to say, I learned from my mistakes, but it seems it may be too late.

  152. If your child is suffering because of your relationship, then I think you should end the marriage. This is just a general thought, though – I can’t tell anyone that their marriage is over!

    But I do believe that a man who cheats and then tells you to get over it isn’t a good man to be married to. If he doesn’t respect you, then he doesn’t love you. And you’re right…is that a good environment in which to raise your child?

  153. We were married in 2007,its was an arranged marriage in India but settled in Melbourne, Australia.we had a baby this 2011 July. This March 2012 I discovered my husband has been seeing another woman. And then in a month I discovered that he was trying to bed more women when I was overseas with my lil son from Nov 2011 to Feb 2012.his call summaries had text and call logs at weird hours.one if them is still a mystery cos she has never told me wat hapned between them.

    The worst was he began all this while I just concived our baby.he would go out to pubs.after I caught him with his first woman I asked him a trillion times if there was anythin more he had to confront n he kept sayin nothing happend.

    All 3 of the 4 tell me he lied about himself.he used to claim he lives in Sydney n comes over to Melbourne just for clubbing.

    He claims with the first woman it was a mistake. The following day of the incident the woman told him she just needs emotional support and nothing more.and so he continued only texting her. But the girl has told me he n she met.most times at night at her home.i dont know who to believe anymore after he has lied so many times.he claims he dint intend to do it.it just happend. And with the rest of the times he got used to texting girls.
    (with all.these girls he kept insisting they catch up for another drink).

    When I try to talk to him about it he gives me spiels like ” its not a big deal Bill Clinton got away with it..” “get over it” “when I was 10 my parents were in a similar situation,but nothing drastic happend.mom n dad r still together”.

    All this keeps running in my mind all day.i speak to him try to vent out my anger on him every now and then. My anger just doesnt cools off.m angrier than when I first found out.

    I feel my child will suffer if I stay in such a relationship.
    He does say he is ashamed of his actions n is trying to work it out. But because he had not told me about the other 3 women. (I had to go after his call summaries to get them out myself) I feel he will never change. This will repeat itself again in another 3 yrs.

    Should I stay?

  154. We were married in 2007,its was an arranged marriage in India but settled in Melbourne, Australia.we had a baby this 2011 July. This March 2012 I discovered my husband has been seeing another woman. And then in a month I discovered that he was trying to bed more women when I was overseas with my lil son.one if them is still a mystery cos she has never told me wat hapned

  155. To Dean:

    Everybody needs time on their own and going out with the girls is an important pastime woman crave as it is a chance to be intimate with friends. If they are going to social spots it’s also a chance to be validated. Although you have time together with your wife, it does not sound like it’s a fun time. Think of things to do together that put you both in unknown environments. This will cause discomfort and in turn should spark a bond whereby together you both overcome your immediate anxieties and will rekndle friendship through protective actions.

  156. hi everyone i am so grateful, appreciate, and thankful to each and edveryone of you… we are all victims yets we will conquer and be survivors each and averyday is a new day a new dream a new hope a new anything live for yourselves… they do not know what they are losing… they do not know if thety are coming or going good riddens im sure this is so much better out ther greener on the otherside lol DONT THINK SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  157. Hey, ive been married for not even two months now and me and my wife are already seperated due to the temper i have and the possesiveness and jelousy i have. The reason i am possesiveness is that ive seen her talk to her exes all the time and exes to me are a huge red flag, it stopped after we got married and are now expecting a baby, but since then she never would do anything i wanted and i would start to get agitated until one day i blew up. Her mother talked her into making me leave the house and be without communication with her. Everytime i try to communicate with her, she says it makes her sick to even talk to me. I found out secretly that she has been talking to an ex on facebook since we split up and telling him that she doesnt want it to work and if hes coming home on august. I want this to work and i know i need to change, but how do i get her to see that when she doesnt believe me, or even cares to put any effort in it

  158. My husband and I have been together since we were 17. Things haven’t always been good. We have had a lot of challenges in life. We were teen parents and then got pregnant again with twins and lost one. My husband has been unfaithful since we got together 6 years ago. It isn’t a one time occurance. He has cheated on me 7 times in the last 6 years. We got married in 2011 and he has cheated on me twice since then with the same girl. After the first time he said he realized what he wanted and that he knew nothing was worth losing what he had. But, he cheated on me again with her. We were very sexually active until i found out the first time, then we just started having sex again when i found out about the second time. I am very confused about everything. He says he wants to be here, and that i am all he wants and he will prove himself to me. But, things have changed drastically. When we first decided to work things out he was sweet, always wanted to be close kissing me and wanting to please me and telling me constantly that he will prove himself. Now, he doesn’t tell me that this is where he wants to be or show me that he is happy. We recently celebrated our anniversary and i got him a card and told him how much i appreciate him and that i am glad he is my husband. He on the other had got me nothing and didn’t act like it was anything special. I have asked him to go to counseling but he tells me that he refuses to and if thats what it takes to fix our marriage then he is leaving. I have already told him that if he cheats again it’s over. I don’t know what to think about our marriage.

  159. sara joy says:
    June 23, 2012 at 9:32 pm I know how you feel. I have been married almost 28yrs to my highschool sweatheart and just yesterday came to the end of my rope and told him to move out. He has changed so much over the past few months that i just could take anymore. Our daughter (27 and 19) and i have begged him to get help but he just won’t. He has lost almost 50 pounds (not in a healthy way), is buying hipster clothes, walks around in a daze and goes from jekyl to hyde in a flash. We can’t decide if he is having severe depression with mania or simply a midlife crisis. I’ve tried talking to him and it’s always the same “I don’t know” answer for everything. He does say he still loves me and is still in love with me but we don’t communicate at all. I told him I feel like I am married with a husband but am all alone and he said “but i’m here all the time”. Well his body is but he’s not and i told him so and again just silence with the hands in the air. He no longer states how miserable he is only that he doesn’t know anything (what he’s doing, what he wants, etc). So after months of trying and crying I’ve decided it’s up to him. One of our cat’s just died, my 80yr old mother has probable cancer again and I struggle with bipolar and diabetes (insulin pump) myself. Needless to say I have enough on my plate and I can honestly say I tried! During a six week therapy course we were told about co-dependent relationships. This may or may not apply, but you don’t go down on a sinking ship. Sometimes, In my case (since I see a therapist and take meds) it was a matter of saying to my husband “I’m riding the train to wellness, your welcome to come along, if not, have a nice life”.

  160. I wrote this article for Betty, but think it may be helpful to all women who are wondering if their marriages are over…

    When He Says He’ll Change – But Never Does

    I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts. I’m sorry I can’t offer personal advice or counseling, and I will keep sending prayers and healing, positive, loving energy to everyone who comments.

    Sincerely,
    Laurie

  161. me and my husband got married in 2010, after we met in 2009 we got engaged pretty fast but he was the perfect guy he did everything then he changed after a couple months, I try to be the perfect wife but I find myself sometimes paying all the bills all the house work and my daughter the outside work.he become insensitive and says disrepectful comments bout me to my kids.a woman emailed me over facebook and called me and a few months later my kids found out he was talking to another woman and I told him about it he said he wasnt then a few months later I find pics and sexual texts from his ex now he says he’ll change but hasnt an continues to talk to ex and be disrespectful I want to be with him but from what i understand he’s been lik this with every woman he’s been with I continually forgive him in hopes he’ll change for me lik I for him. I dont kno what to do. Should I leave him??

  162. well me and my husband dated for 4 years before we got married and once we ,arried after a few months he told me he cheated on me with a girl in the same complex his uncle lived in where he stayed weekends drinking ect well i felt he trapped me because id never of married him had he told me before i took my vows well we talked it out even though it hurt me bad we worked through all of it and were doing good well now he is finding every reason to always be gone out walking or at his uncles house he smokes behind my back then lies about it and we fight all the time because of his lies i got married so we can spend time with him share a life but how can you do that when he finds a million reasons to be gone every day it hurts me and i have told him but he says oh im doing better im staying home more now uh no ur not but you cant tell him nothing cuz he is always right and he has bipolar so he flips out on me and a small arguement turns into us fighting physically i finally told him we can fix this ill get a apartment for me and my son and move on because i can sit alone all day by myself i dont need him with me to do that so i am truly feeling at a loss just not sure what to do any more

  163. Me an my husband have been married for two years now, we have a wonderful, healthy one year old together. My problem is, he’s quite a mommy’s or should I say grandmas boy. Before we got married he lived with his grandparents where his grandma did everything for him. She cooked, cleaned, did his laundry, made his bed, an waited on him hand an foot. Now that we are together I don’t mind cleaning, cooking, or any other house chores, but he expects me to do them without any help. I don’t get off work till 8pm an he cooks dinner alot I will admit that. He acts like I never do anything, he tells me if I only worked as hard as he has to. Mind you I’m a caregiver taking care of two different clients, an he is a cable guy. He tells me all the time I don’t care about the things he does for me, but I feel the same way. I’m to my breaking point I can’t take his put downs an him saying my job means nothing. I don’t want to leave him, but something has to change.

  164. I KNOW WHAT EVERYONE IS FEELING AND STATING MY HUSBAND OF 21 YEARS DECIDES ONE DAY HE WANTS A DIVORCE HE NEEDS TO FIND HIMSELF AND MAKE HIS DREAMS N HOPES COME TRUE I CAN HONESTLY SAY I WAS THE BEST WIFE I DID IT ALL AND WORKED MY ADVISE TO ALL IS STOP TRYING TO GET THEM BACK THE TEXTING GIFTS NOTES EMAILS ETC DOESNT WORK SAYING AND APPRECIATING THEM DOESNT WORK THE MORE YOU DO THE LESS OF A POSITIVE RESULT WILL OCCUR BEEN THERE DONE THAT I AM NOW LIVING FOR ME LIKE EVERYONE SHOULD LIVE FOR THEMSELVES FIRST THEN SEE WHAT HAPPENS !

  165. ok i am married of 25 years and i am 45 and have no attraction whatsover to my wife we have sex once every 4 to 6 weeks i contantly think of other woman , but i love this woman i cant bare the fact she would be woth someone elsr but i am unhappy
    any advise would be welcomed

  166. every single time my husband and i argue he wants to leave me or he hates me and hes disgusted with me. just recently his father passed and said he didn’t want me to attend the funeral not once but at least 5 or 6 times;he never understands how i feel when i try to explain something or why im upset..im a student so i have no job or money i want to leave him but i feel trapped i really do love him but if has told me he wants to leave over and over again hes even though about suicide and that makes me feel ill! how can i stay with someone that feel this way let alone spill there true feelings to me when hes angry its funny cause i don’t feel warmth from him but when were arguing i get a lot of heat

  167. hi there,
    i am in keen need for your advice,i have been married since 2 years,a big CLICK marriage,full of matching and love and very close friendship with my baby,
    My work opportunity gave me chocks i am working then the construction projects stop because of political turmoil ,i am submitting my cv and concluding meetings and taking offers ,but suddenly since 18 june my wife has decided to try another life alone to find herself because as she wrote to me that she is loosing her life with me.
    I am a serious active dynamic man perseverant struggler in life workwise but unfortunately work disaster hit me strongly,even she was waiting for the results of my work opportunities,she said to me i am not patient same you i need to live for myself,live alone for certain time ,i need rich life and stable life.
    these are my goals but she is unwilling to wait now,knowing that her parents are pushing her to divorce with me .
    what to do to keep my beloved and not crash our marriage,i need your advise,thanks in advance.

  168. I am looking for some advice from anyone who knows what the hell is going on.

    I have a wonderful, beautiful wife who i adore.

    When we first met over 13 years ago we used to go into our local town for a drink and night out. She used to get dressed up and i used to think she was the sexiest woman ever. I still do.

    She said to me tonight, she would rather go into town now with the girls, without me. as she thinks we have got older and she cannot have the fun we used to.

    I feel like the bottom has just fell out of my world. i have tried to explain to her that i feel hurt and rejected but she says i am just trying to ruin her night out and to stop having a go at her. I am not bothered about her going out with the girls i just want to do the same from time to time, which she is not prepared to do.

    She says she doesn’t like town but will go out with the girls. the only time we go out now is to go for a meal, rather than round town for a drink.

    Can anyone offer any advice as to show her how i feel about this situation.

    regards

  169. To Jan,

    Are these rules and changes familiar to you? Is his parents’ marriage like this? Did something change in his life short after your wedding? Honestly, have you seen any sign of these trades of his personality before the wedding? If your chemistry is so amazing, what kind of hurt and time is he talking about? What is he talking about :0)? After reconciling not too long ago, what is causing the problem now? The old stuff?
    Cheer up Jan, this one is for sure! One day you are going to laugh about this!!! ;0) You are not a victim, you guys lost in translation. :0) If he gets sexual with you, then this is the minimum that he should come clean and tell you why all this weird behavior from a newly wed husband? It’s not fair, and you feel that. Do you feel that he is dishonest? If sex is so amazing what drives him out from your warm bed? All you can do to be honest to him from your heart, find the right time moment, you can’t force nature, after you think and feel you have tried everything and still he is not changing or responding to your wonderfulness, then you have to decide how healthy it is for you to stay in this relationship. If this doesn’t work for you, then why not close this chapter and start a new one with beautiful shiny white papers, you are the star! The story is in your head and in your heart …Imagine your perfect life and allow yourself to feel that amazing feeling, be there, feel it and you manifest it. Stop worrying, what do you have to loose? A not working relationship whatever should the outcome be. I wish you happiness. All the best.A

  170. So I’ve been married since July 2010. Ever since i have been so unhappy. I tried being the “perfect” wife in the beginning & then soon realized I was taking care of EVERYTHING; my husband, the dog, our car, the house, finances, even doing the “man chores”. I started getting tired and am never feeling appreciated. During the holiday’s it is a pain to get him to celebrate or be romantic in any way. He never does anything out-of-the-blue for me and I am still stuck picking up after him and doing favors for him, but he never is returning it. We have been in multiple areguments about this & he says he understands & is sorry, but never shows it. He sometimes will do a favor now, but i get so annoyed & don’t even want to ask anymore because he’ll do it half ass and take the easy way, so i end up having to go back & do it anyways… PLUS he doesn’t even know how to fix or build things. I am always fixing our car, hammering down wall mounts & pictures, messing around in the yard, etc, etc…
    please tell me, is he just not tring and really does not care about me OR did i just marry the wrong man?!

  171. Hi, I’m a young lady who got married @ the young age but my hubby has financial problems and avoids them. I don’t feel I love him because he leaves me alone in our flat goes out with his friends, sleeps over there with his single friends. I took a vow I won’t ask him where are his whereabouts because I don’t knw him no more. I’m too young to b in this situation. He accuses me of cheating and name calls me. I always help him witth his finances and tells me that I love him for his money. What money he is drowning in debt.

  172. TO: jan says:
    May 18, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    If you are both Christians seek out a neutral Christian counselor or clergy member for advice and maybe sessions.

  173. TO: sherie says:
    May 25, 2012 at 11:36 am

    I personally think nothing of talking to anyone on the Internet.
    I have even chatted with you name it and I have done it. Been there done that. Things online are virtual as long as they stay online. The internet is a fairytale land where people can be who they want to be or can’t be in real life. In some cases some are delusional enought to believe it all. When it comes to real life meetings that’s when things change. If you are not ready to stand on your own two feet with money in pocket,a job,and a place to move to, I would not be thinking of leaving. I would be thinking of becoming independent enough to get to your destination beyond the door. As thin as your husbands excuse is, it might actually be true and harmless. In any case visualize your life seperate and independant. If this works for you and you can do it then have at it. Just be prepared by thinking about it because many believe once you move out there is no moving back in.

  174. RE: “sara joy says:
    May 28, 2012 at 10:53 pm”

    First off I love CAPS myself but yours are too much. Use the caps lock in the other direction. With that said are there things going on that you did not speak of in your relationship? Is there sex and romance on a regular basis? Is their intimacy do you hug,cuddle,kiss,scratch and rub each others backs often? Is there physical intimacy and if not when did it stop? Was it ever there?
    I can tell you this is VERY important to many people. I will not say just men since it seems to come and go from each side.
    Twenty years is quite a commitment. Do you have children that just graduated high school or college? Have you let yourself go? Is he having a midlife crisis? Is he healthy? Sometimes people just need their space. Sometimes this will heal, and sometimes this will divide. My initial advice is unless You are looking for an excuse to end it for sure, let it go. Ignore him and go on like he never said a thing. “I told my wife long ago I was leaving, she ignored me” I am still here and faithful to this day.
    I can’t say it will last and I can’t say I am happy but she didn’t do anything and neither did I. Sometimes we get into a funk and it lasts a very long time. I know some people are incapable of giving us what we need even when we spell it out for them. They are unwilling,unable, or have some personal,religous,or family taught or untaught traits that damage a long term relationship.

  175. My husband of 22 years (well, married 13 years, together total 22) left on Mother’s Day to join his mother and 3 brothers and the rst of his clan in the US.

    I told him if he left us again, id never welcome him back. He has done this several times (take off when there is stress), and he always comes back.

    Reading your article, i got a 100% so i have enough closure now to accept that i am alone.

    What i kick myself in the butt is why i kept taking him back, when i always knew he didnt have the love for me like he believed in his head.

    Thanks for the article:)

  176. I HAVE BEEN READIND READING AND RESEARCHING DIVORCE, MARRIAGE RECONCILLIATION, ALL ASPECTS OF
    MARRIAGE, THE WHYS THIS EVERTHING I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY MY HUSBAND A GREAT MAN A GREAT HUSBAND, A GREAT PARENT OVERALL HE WAS EVERYTHING TO ME… HE ONE DAY DECIDED TO LET ME KNOW HE WANTED A DIVORCE, I HONESTLY WAS VERY BLINDSIDED AND SHOCKED, I LOVE HIM IM IN LOVE WITH HIM AND HE WANTS OUT AS WELL AS HE WANTS TO THROW IT ALL AWAY, I ALWAYS BELEIVED I WAS GOING TO GROW OLD WITH MY HUSBAND I TOOK VOWS THAT ARE STILL SACRED TO ME WE RENEWED OUR VOWS I NEVER ONCE CHEATED ON HIM IM TRYING TO UNDERSTAND EACH DAY WHY THIS IS TRANSPIRING I BELEIVE HE HAS MADE UP HIS MIND ITS OVER AND THERE IS NO CHANCE HE HAS AN ALTERNATIVE PLAN I DONT EVEN BELEIVE HE EVER LOVED ME. I GIVE HIM HIS SPACE I STAY OUT OF HIS WAY WE STILL LIVE TOGETHER BUT I AM SURE THERES AN ALTERNATIVE SOMETHING ON HIS PART I AM MORE THAN WILLING TO WORK ALL THIS OUT HE WANTS NO PART OF IT ITS VERY HURTFUL AND SAD THERES NOTHING I CAN DO I TRIED TO SPEAK BOUT THE MARRIAGE HE STATES WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON AND HE WANTS OUT I BELEIVE OUR MARRIAGE WAS A PURE LIE TO ME FOR OVER 20 YEARS. I NEVER ONCE STOPPED LOVING HIM ALL I EVER WANTED WAS HIS ATTENTION AND AFFECTION AND LITTLE TIME FOR US. ANY SUGGESTIONS? OR IS IT OVER AND GO ON? PLEASE ADVISE I APPRECIATE AND WELCOME ALL ANSWERS THANK YOU SARA JOY

  177. I have been married for almost 30 years. 11 years ago, my husband cheated on me. While we have tried to put things back together, I feel it has been a one way street. I know that since that he has not physically cheated, however I have found out that he has lied to me once again. He works very hard, and our lives right now are very stressful. I found out that he has been talking to a young woman for the last 3 months. She is an escort for a call girl service. He said that he knew talking to her was wrong, and has since stopped. He said it was a friend of one of his workers and she called on his cell because the worker’s cell was shut off. My husband swears to me that he wants to put all of this behind us and start all over. He says he feels differently now and wants to build a better future for us. He says that he promises to be the husband he should be. He went out of town on a business trip right after all of this happened. Yes, I know it is for work, because he stayed with a business partner and his wife who happen to be a friend. My husband is coming home tonight and I really am not sure if I should give him another chance. I have nowhere to go and no money to survive by myself. Any ideas?

  178. TO “Christopher says: May 16, 2012 at 6:23 pm”
    I am no expert but it would appear that you would be devastated about the failure of your marriage and the chance of loosing full custody of your son. My recommendation to you is to ignore it all and not confront her. This will play out one way or the other. It could very well fizzle out and you get to keep everyone and everything.
    If you confront her it will only lead to a heated exchange and a forcing of her hand. This route never really goes well. My opinion is to ignore the entire subject and stop trying to find out more. I mean this with all sincerity. I forced the issue and lost twice before. Maybe I am an expert? In any case don’t be rash and make any descions without looking very hard and long down the road of possibilities. Things never turn out well when you force someones hand. Forgive and move on or realize that you will be giving up everything you know as your life today. Proabbly your house if you own it at the very least the place you currently live. You will be starting over nearly from scratch. Don’t even think of harming her in any way as the law will have you as their prime suspect no matter what. Worse case scenario is you think you are smarter than 30,000 people and off your wife. The law catches you and your son has no momma and no poppa. DON’T DO IT. Forgive and forget any of it happened and pray to God for a marrage fix without ceasing. Best advice you can’t buy.

  179. got married in 2009 lived together for 3 years before that. soon after marrying our marriage became about rules and chamges 360 degrees we separated in 2010 we reconciled till dec 2012 and things went slow my husband wouldnt except councelling
    as a form of working on the marriage and refused to move back in several times yet the love making and sex has so much chemistry in it .always has.through out the year in januaury he said to much time and pain and he wasnt going to go any forther with trying my heart is so broken dont know what and how to get through to him please help we are christians and i desire this marriage to work

  180. @HappyInMarriage I, too am young in my marriage (3 yrs) and have lots of “broken families” in my family tree. But unlike you and many other people who think marriage should always be “saved”, I think the most important thing is the QUALITY of the relationship. My parents have a better quality relationship when they are apart, and I was relieved when they divorced. Not only that, I have many extra siblings from new marriages they formed who mean the world to me and have a much larger family because of all the “broken” marriages. People change, make mistakes, etc and who are you or anyone else to tell people that you know what is best for them and their family? Sometimes staying together is not the best option for the health of the relationship. Sometimes a “broken” marriage can lead to greater joy in the family and new relationships and a bigger family.

    To me it is more admirable and mature to accept the reality of the situation in regards to a broken relationship and move on rather than stay together with a fake smile just for the sake of keeping a contract.

  181. This thread is so sad! We are all like the blind leading the blind! I was going to ask if there was a professional here who could offer help, solutions, insight? But then I thought about it and realised that we are all in unique situations – each family unit has its own set of circumstances and grief and therefore, each solution will be different.

    The only common thing throughout this whole thread is the fact that, somewhere along the way, someone has lost their love for their partner. Any loss painful and scary as we all fear the unknown. We all fear being unwanted, unloved and un-needed. We are all unsure of what step to take next. My only advice (for what its worth) to each of us, is don