Home > Toxic Love > Harmful Patterns > Is Your Marriage Over? 6 Signs You Shouldn’t Ignore

Is Your Marriage Over? 6 Signs You Shouldn’t Ignore

Does your separated husband still love you? How do you know your marriage is over? These signs a marriage is over will help you see yourself – and your husband – more clearly. You may not be headed for divorce court, so take heart! Even the healthiest relationships hit rock bottom sometimes.

I was inspired to write this article by a reader’s comment. “My husband and I have been together since high school and got married 12 years ago,” said Jessie on How to Know if Your Husband Still Loves You. “We’ve always been comfortable together, but over the past couple years I’ve been getting the feeling he no longer wants to be with me. Our relationship is just one of convenience. All of the signs he doesn’t love me are there, and he says a lot of very very hurtful things to me. He tries to make me feel like a horrible person and he attacks the things I say and do. After he says all these mean things to me he wants me to act as though everything is alright. He says I need to smile and be happy etc. but I’m feeling like I could crawl up in a ball and die. Are these signs your marriage is over? I think so but it would help to get an outside opinion.”



According to marriage expert John Gottman, expressing contempt is one of the signs your marriage is over. Jessie’s husband does this by trying to make her feel like a horrible personal and by saying hurtful things to her.

6 Signs Your Marriage is Over

These warning signs your marriage is over are from relationship counselors and marriage therapists.

While you’re reading through these thoughts, remember that you are the expert on your relationship. You know your husband better than anyone, you know yourself, and you know how your marriage has changed through the years. Don’t let a relationship article take away all your hope for a happy, healthy marriage! Millions of relationships get pulled from the brink of divorce court every year by couples who are committed to rebuilding their marriages.

1. Your husband treats you with contempt

Contempt is the biggest red flag – the most troubling warning sign that your marriage is over – according to Dr. John Gottman and his four decades of marriage research.

“When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean,” writes Ellie Lisitsa in The Four Horsemen: Contempt on The Gottman Institute’s blog about strengthening relationships. “Treating others with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm are forms of contempt. So are hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling and sneering. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with him or her.”

The reason contempt is such a powerful predictor of divorce is because it is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts. Contempt is issued in the form of an attack from a position of relative superiority. Words and actions that are fueled by contempt lead to more conflict and disconnection, rather than to reconciliation.

How do you respond to a husband who speaks to you with contempt? Get help. Talk to a marriage counselor, pastor with counseling experience, or a trusted family friend. Learn how to cope with your feelings and how to set boundaries with your husband.

Contempt isn’t a guaranteed sign your marriage is over, but both you and your husband have to see how your words and actions are affecting your marriage. You both need to be willing to work on your relationship. One of the most troubling warning signs your marriage is over is when both you and your husband refuse to accept responsibility.

If you have a feeling your marriage can’t be saved, read How to Know if Divorce is the Best Decision.

2. You and your husband have stopped trying

Marriage coach Mort Fertel says, “Ironically, communication techniques sometimes give people clarity that they don’t care what their spouse thinks or feels. They ‘understand it’ but it doesn’t matter to them anymore.”




This is ironic because couples often go to marriage counseling to learn to “communicate better.” They learn how to be honest and open about their feelings, they learn how to listen and speak clearly…and they learn that one or both of them has no interest in trying to save their relationship.

Through their newfound communication skills, they learn that they’re too tired to work on their marriage. They simply don’t care anymore. This type of indifference is one of the most important warning signs your marriage is over.

3. You don’t connect with or even critique your spouse…you criticize

Let’s turn the tables around for a minute. How do you talk to your husband? If you tend to be critical of him, then you’re displaying one of Dr Gottman’s warning signs your marriage is over. Negative or “helpful” feedback can be difficult for husbands to take; criticism will cut him to the core.

“Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint,” writes Lisitsa on Recognizing Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. “The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack: it is an attack on your husband at the core. In effect, you are dismantling his whole being when you criticize.”

  • Here’s an example of a complaint, which isn’t normally a sign your marriage is over: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”
  • And this is an example of a criticism: “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish! You never think of others! You never think of me!”

Are you and your husband critical of each other? It’s not a great way to communicate, but it’s not the biggest warning sign your marriage is over.

“If you find that you are your husband are critical of each other, don’t assume your marriage is doomed to fail,” writes Lisitsa. “The problem with criticism is that, when it becomes pervasive, it paves the way for the other, far deadlier [warning signs of unhealthy marriages].  Criticism makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt, and often causes the perpetrator and victim to fall into an escalating pattern where the first horseman reappears with greater and greater frequency and intensity.”

When you were first married, you probably felt understood, heard, and connected with your husband. You were polite. You didn’t want to hurt him – and he was sensitive to your feelings. But time passes, and the stress of daily life and kids and jobs and money and house and aging parents and health issues take a toll…and you find that you don’t have the time and patience it takes to be polite. This isn’t necessarily a sign your marriage is over – it just means you need to make time and effort to communicate with love and respect.

4. Your slide into your marriage commitment, and you tend to “cycle”

“Sliding Into Marriage” and “Premarital Cycling” are two signs your marriage is over or may be ending, according to Dr. Jeff Larson. He is a relationship expert on premarital predictors of marital happiness, and he shared these two signs of unhealthy relationships on his article 3 Warning Signs That Predict Divorce Early in a Relationship:

Sliding Into Marriage. Couples often have low levels of commitment and end up sliding into marriage instead of making a very conscious and clear decision to be committed to their future spouse. This frequently happens when couples live together, but aren’t officially married yet. The issue is that when this “sliding” occurs, there is less initial commitment and willingness to stick it out when things get tough, which is essential to any marriage. In other words, if you slide into your marriage you may be more likely to slide right on out. A low commitment level is a warning sign your marriage is over (or that it never really began).

Premarital Cycling. Dating, then breaking up, then getting back together before marriage predicts lower marital quality and stability. This is common in relationships, but it doesn’t mean it’s good for them. This kind of instability early on sets a precedent for how open partners can be with each other. i.e. “If I talk about this with him/her, he/she will get overwhelmed because last time I brought something like this up, he/she needed a break from me. I’ll just keep it to myself.” This is a dangerous pattern to fall into. It’s important to feel safe and secure in a marriage for it to stay healthy and have longevity.

On a related note, what are your goals as a couple? Do you have a compatible vision for your future? If you want a four million dollar home with an ocean view and your husband wants a wee cottage in the forest, then you both may feel less committed to your marriage. Why? Because you want different things in life. If your husband wants six children and you’d rather be childfree, then you may have to work harder on overcoming the signs your marriage is over. To keep your marriage strong, you need to agree on your vision as a couple or family – and put each other first.

5. You’re not connecting emotionally, spiritually, or physically

The good news is that physical and emotional disconnection in a relationship is not one of the major signs your marriage is over! The bad news is that disconnection can lead to more serious problems down the road. The less you connect as a couple, the less healthy your relationship is…and the higher the chances your marriage is slowly ending.

If you’re struggling with these signs your marriage is over, remember that all married couples are forced to deal with difficulties. Many couples have to face the decision to stay married or consider getting a divorce because their problems are bigger than they care to handle.

signs my separated husband still loves me

Don’t fall into the trap of believing you only have two options: staying married and staying unhappy, or getting a divorce and getting happy again. If you’re feeling scared and sad because of these warning signs your marriage is over, then perhaps you’re ready to go beyond that false choice (“Do I divorce so that I can find happiness again, or do I keep the family together and remain unhappy?”).

Perhaps you’re ready to do the work it takes to save your marriage. According to the Couples Institute, you’d be be surprised to learn that most unhappy marriages become happy again, if couples can stick it out. While some divorces are necessary, many marriages can be repaired.

“It may be difficult to face the issues that you and your spouse are struggling with, but research suggests that couples who can manage to stay together usually end up happier down the road than couples who divorce,” writes Dr. Deborah Hecker on Should You Divorce or Save Your Marriage? “If partners choose to invest in their relationship and make needed changes instead of repeating their mistakes, they might be able to avoid an unnecessary divorce. And if they do finally decide to divorce, their personal work in couples therapy might increase their chance of a successful marriage next time.”

6. You husband cheated and wants to end your marriage

If your husband had an affair and is leaving you, then you’ve gone beyond the typical “signs your marriage is over.” The bad news is that infidelity can damage your relationship beyond repair – especially if your husband leaves you for the other woman.

If your husband had an affair and wants to rebuild your relationship, then crack open the champagne and celebrate! The good news is that marriage infidelity by itself is not a sign your marriage is over. Many couples survive marital unfaithfulness, and many have an even stronger bond because of the cheating.

What’s the difference between infidelity as a sign your marriage is over versus infidelity as a turning point towards a healthier, stronger relationship? You and your husband’s intentions for your future. Cheating in and of itself won’t necessarily end your marriage…it’s how you and your husband clean up after the infidelity that determines if you’ll stay together.

“In my work doing marriage coaching, I have noticed that very often the turning point in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom,” says marriage coach Mort Fertel. “It’s not until they’ve been through the worst that things start to get better.”

Don’t despair if infidelity is a factor in your marriage. Mort says cheating husbands are more likely to build stronger relationships – if they are genuinely sorry and sincere about saving their marriages. However, if your spouse cheated, you and he will need to do some serious work on moving forward in peace, forgiveness, and love.

If your husband cheated with a woman at work, read When Your Husband Still Works With His Ex Affair Partner.

How to Cope With the Signs Your Marriage is Over

my marriage is over

Read 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America’s Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship by John Gottman. He’s a respectable marriage therapist and researcher, and his insights will help you not only see your relationship differently, but actually change it for the better.

Don’t give up on your marriage yet – it’s possible that the best is yet to come! Maybe you’ve hit the natural “rock bottom” life cycle of your relationship…and maybe you just need to start rebuilding your marriage.

In 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, the Gottmans provide vital tools – scientifically based and empirically verified – that you can use to regain affection and romance lost through years of ineffective communication. You’ll strengthen your relationship and make it the most fulfilling it can be.

Maybe your marriage is over, or maybe you just need help and relationship advice from a couples therapist, marriage coach, or relationship textbook(s). Struggling with problems in your relationship isn’t one of the warning signs your marriage is over. It just means you’re human, and so is your husband.

May you experience recovery, healing, peace and love in your relationship. May you find life in your marriage, sparks of love in your soul, and sprouts of health in your emotional, physical, and spiritual relationship with your husband. I pray that God revives your marriage and performs a miracle in your relationship with him. May you find practical, healthy ways to deal with these signs your marriage is over – and may they become a ghost of the past.

If you feel unloved and alone in your relationship, read How to Survive a Loveless Marriage.

What do you think about these signs your marriage is over? I can’t offer relationship advice or counseling, but you may find it helpful to share what you’re going through. Writing is one of the best ways to gain clarity and insight, and can help you process your feelings and sort through your thoughts. And, your experience will show other women they’re not alone.


Need encouragement?

Get my free "Echoes of Joy" email! Once a week, short & sweet.

* indicates required



*

370 thoughts on “Is Your Marriage Over? 6 Signs You Shouldn’t Ignore”

  1. I wanted to save our 42 year marriage when he had an affair. I thought he did, too. I forgave him and he did it again. He won’t admit it when I have evidence to the contrary. I’ve been gaslighted, stonewalled, he’ll be sweet and kind one day and mean the next. He manages to turn every conversation into being my fault. I just want to have a normal conversation with honesty. Yet I stay with him. I feel like I’m going insane. I love him but I’m in a nightmare. I can’t fight for what is making me crazy. But I don’t want to live without him either. It’s scary. I’ve been with him since I was 19. I’m 63 now and my options are limited. I’m weary of not knowing what’s real and what isn’t. He says if I would just let it go everything would be ok. Really?

  2. I find it quite interesting that a lot of what is written here by this woman is very much anti-male. There is no attempt to put “his/her” into the argument, it is mostly HIM or HIS assuming it is the man who is the ‘disruptive’ in the act. Does it never occur to females of this world that they are the ones who set the plane on fire? That it could actually be the female who starts the descent into oblivion?
    I’m sorry but as a male reading this it annoys me that sites like this always seem to assume that its the man in the picture that causes the problems. I live with a bi**h. She is a Swedish woman who loves to control everything, including me. When I say ‘bi**h’ I mean the true dictionary meaning which is ‘ strong woman’ and she’s hell to live with because it’s always ‘her way or the highway’ and that is completely unreasonable. Women need to wake up and realise that that it is not always the man at fault here. This ‘default’ setting that many women have that the man is always wrong has to stop.
    I loved my wife once and she destroyed my love for her by being a total control freak so I stopped loving her. That was NOT my doing but her behaviour.
    I’m fed up with women blaming everything on the man in their lives for things that they do.
    A man will never stray if the woman in his life keeps him interested in the bedroom. He will never stop loving that woman if she shows him the same respect and love he shows her. FACT!

  3. This was useful to read. I have been wondering if I made the right decision in getting married. We rushed to get engaged after less than a year because we hated living so far apart and wanted to buy a house together. Plus we had both come out of bad relationships when we met and were in a bad place. Looking back, a year really wasn’t enough time to get to know each other. Since we got married all we do is fight (or I have to constantly bite my tongue over things he does and says) and I don’t feel we are compatible at all. I feel like I made a huge mistake in marrying him so fast. But I don’t know how to get out. All my savings are tied up in this house and he just avoids talking about it. I feel so trapped.

    1. I feel your pain.
      I have been with my husband since i was 18 and married him two years later. I am now 44.
      For the first few years of marriage i stayed at home raising the children. He went to work but i cooked cleaned. packed his lunch, made his tea, let him nap so he could rest straight after work, took care of the bills etc. He left me a few times and i raised the children alone.
      Then we got back together had a couple of more children and then I began to work and now he looks after the children. He does a mediokre job of that too. When i return from work i continue to do all the housework and wash all the dirty plates etc that he leaves piled up waiting for me.
      He is not my best friend and i hate going out with him, i dont enjoy his company anymore and sex is completely rubbish. He gets his way and i get shit. Has been like that all my life with him.
      Unfortunatley in all the time with him I haven’t grown a pair. I wish I had and I wish I had walked out years ago.
      i am not beautiful and feel that my lack of confidence made me pursue the first person that looked at me.
      I am so scared to leave now, with no help and support what am I going to do.

      What hurts me the most is that this weekend was the first time we had stayed over at his sister’s house and i was so shocked that he had cooked in her kitchen and actually cleaned it up. thats made me realise how inconsiderate he has been with me for the past 26 years,

  4. For a good single man like me that never met the right good woman to settle down with in the first place, which most women today as it is are Feminists to begin with.

  5. Hi, thank you for your opinions on the husband’s failures, which may cause the marriage to break down? As a husband, I would be interested more! if you showed that the breakdown of marriages, can be the problems from both Husbands and Wives. An unforgiving partner? Shuts the door in the face of one that can forgive!

  6. I KNow this was inspired by a female reader’s comment , but it would have been better to address both sexes in their marriage dilemma , so use the world ‘partner’ rather than husband , so both men and women can relate to the article

  7. HI THERE
    I STILL MARRIED FOR 17 YEARS MY HUSBAND GOT A GIRLFRIEND 25 YEAR OLD AND THEY GOT A CHILD. THREE AGO WAS FIGHTING FOR MY MARRAIGE BUT NOW I DONT FEEL LIKE TO FIGHT. I HAVE 2 BOYS AFTER A CALL FROM HER SHE SOUND LIKE ME 2 YEARS AGO FIGHTING OVER A MAN. YOU NO MY HUSBAND NEVER SPOKE TO ME HE IS AVOIDING ME IF I WANT TO TALK ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIPHE HAVE THINGS TO DO IT GOES NOW FOR ALOMOST 3 YEARS. NOW THE GIRLFRIEND WANT TO GIVE HIM MONEY TO DIVORCE ME. I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM BUT I THINK I HAVE STILL FELINGS FOR HIM. I REALLY WANTS TO KNOW WHY HE DONT WANT TO TALK ME. MY BOYS STAYS WITH HIM IN OUR HOUSE BUT SHE DONT STAY WITH HIM. I HAVE TRIED TO GO PICK UP MY CLOTHS AT MY HOUSE HE IS ALWAYS TO BUSY. WE HAVE NEVER EVER TO EACH WHAT HAPPEND FOR THIS 3 YEARS. WHAT MUST I DO ???? I NEED HELP

  8. My wife came into a lot of money. She adopted a position of superiority. She was supporting me and I enjoyed retirement tor about five years. Sadly, we got scammed in a Real Estate deal, and she never forgave me. I did what I could to contribute, but my wife loves the money, more than me. I have recently started working again, and realize that being a bird in a gilded cage does not make me happy. Our physical relationship has ended, and we both would rather spend time with others than each other. I try to remember that over time, people change, not always for the best. I however can not accept the change that my wife has gone through. I want to love my partner and I want them to love me back. I deserve to be happy. It’s up to me to pursue it. I hope we can have a peaceful separation = but I doubt it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *