How to Respond When Your Boyfriend Makes No Effort


You love your boyfriend, but he doesn’t make an effort in your relationship. Here’s what to do when you start to wonder about his feelings for you.

Does your boyfriend still love you? Why isn’t he trying harder to show how much he cares? What do you do when your boyfriend makes no effort to please you or make you happy?

It’s time to pull back from your relationship for a few minutes, so you can see yourself — and your boyfriend — more objectively. Here, you’ll find several questions and tips to help you evaluate your love life and make a good decision about your future. You’ll learn how to respond when your boyfriend stops texting you. And if you need help deciding what to do about a boyfriend who isn’t making an effort in your relationship, you can share your story in the comments section below.

How well do you know your boyfriend? On a scale of 1 to 10, would you rate your relationship a 1 (you started dating within the last couple of months and are still in the beginning phases of getting to know each other) or a 10 (you’ve been dating for 20 years and know each other inside and out). The middle of this “relationship scale” is a 5: you’ve been dating for a year or more, and you know each other fairly well…but surprises still crop up here and there!

Thinking about how well you know him is an important factor when you’re deciding what to do when your boyfriend makes no effort in your relationship. Why? Because it’ll help you decide if he’s going through a season of withdrawal because of work stress, emotional health issues, or family problems. If so, you’ll respond to your boyfriend’s lack of effort differently than if he’s just lost interest in your relationship.

How to Respond When Your Boyfriend Isn’t Making an Effort

Do you know your boyfriend well enough to determine if he’s not making an effort because of a temporary life situation he’s dealing with, or if he has lost interest in you? Knowing this will help you work your way through these tips…

1. Accept that you can’t change him

You’re normal if you wish your boyfriend would make more of an effort in your relationship! It’s natural to want him to want you, to yearn for his attention, approval, and affection. This is a healthy part of being in a relationship. Of course you want him to try, because his time, effort, and energy shows he cares about you.

But it’s also crucial to remember that you can’t change your boyfriend. You can’t convince, beg, or force him to make an effort in your relationship. You can’t make him love you more, or make him try harder, or make him want to spend time with you. You can’t cast a magic spell or find psychological techniques to make your boyfriend change.

Accept your boyfriend for who he is, because the changes that he’ll change are very small.

2. Remember who you can change

If you’re depressed by first tip for what to do when your boyfriend makes no effort in your relationship, I’ve got good news for you. You can change the most important person in your life: you. You can look at your expectations, and adjust them if necessary. You can look at your boyfriend’s behavior in your relationship, and decide what to do about your future.

Don’t change your personality. Rather, change your expectations of your boyfriend. Learn how to be an emotionally strong woman in your relationships. If you’re disappointed and sad because your boyfriend isn’t making an effort to love or be with you, examine what you expect from him. What do you want your boyfriend to do, say, or be? How do you want him to show he cares about your relationship? What do you want him to do differently?

Write down three things you expect your boyfriend to do or be in your relationship. Use your private journal or diary, or share your thoughts in the comments section below. Writing down your expectations will not only help you gain clarity and insight into yourself, it’ll also help you see if you need to change what you expect of your boyfriend.

3. Don’t settle for less than you deserve in a relationship

After you write down your expectations of your boyfriend, ask yourself if they’re realistic. For example, maybe you expect your boyfriend to text you five times a day, and call you first thing in the morning and last thing before you fall asleep. You can probably see that those relationship expectations aren’t realistic!



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But maybe you expect your boyfriend to make an effort by calling you once a week, or texting you once a month. Maybe you feel grateful when he finally decides to stop by — at 10 pm, without calling first — or he always expects you to just be waiting for him. Those relationship expectations are way too low. If you’re last on your boyfriend’s list of priorities, then you need to stop wondering what to do when he makes no effort in your relationship. You need to recognize that you’re settling for less than you deserve. And you need to figure out why you’re not holding yourself in higher esteem.

4. Look at your boyfriend’s life through his eyes

What’s going on for your boyfriend? This is where my first question comes in: how well do you know him?

What to Do When Your Boyfriend Makes No Effort in Your Relationship

What to Do When Your Boyfriend Makes No Effort in Your Relationship

If you’ve been together for a long time (a 7 or 8 on that “relationship scale” at the beginning of this post), then maybe you can see that your boyfriend isn’t making an effort right now because he’s dealing with serious issues in other aspects of his life.

If you haven’t been dating long — or if your relationship is less than a year old — you may not know your boyfriend well enough to determine why he stopped making an effort. Is your boyfriend an emotionally unavailable man? Maybe he’s coping with financial problems in his professional or personal life, or grieving the los of someone he loves. Maybe he’s too heavy into the party, drugs, and alcohol scene. Or maybe your boyfriend is dealing with an ex-wife and custody issues, and just doesn’t have the time or energy to make an effort in your relationship.

What’s happening in your boyfriend’s life? That may help you see why he’s not making any effort towards you. And, it may help you decide how to respond.

5. Talk to him without getting angry or upset

It doesn’t have to be a big, heavy “relationship talk”! How you approach your boyfriend depends on his personality, your style of communication, and your relationship. If you almost never see each other, then sitting down to talk about your relationship – or his lack of effort – would look much different than if you live together.

Find a low-key, nonthreatening way to approach him. Try not to get upset, irritated, or emotional. Ask your boyfriend open-ended questions about how he thinks your relationship is going, and if there’s anything you both can do to bring you closer together. What you talk about really does depend on the issues you’re facing, how long you’ve been together, and why your boyfriend isn’t making an effort in your relationship.

If your boyfriend never made an effort to begin with, then he may simply be lazy or indifferent to building and maintaining a relationship with you. Perhaps he wasn’t taught how to love a girlfriend, and he hasn’t taken time to learn what goes into a happy, healthy relationship. Perhaps he thinks guys don’t need to make an effort in relationships, and girlfriends should do all the work.

See why it’s so important for you to know your boyfriend — and know yourself — before deciding what to do when he doesn’t make an effort? All relationships are unique. And, your definition of “not making an effort” may not match your boyfriend’s definition…which means you’re operating from a completely different set of expectations.

If you think you’re smothering your boyfriend, read 11 Ways to Stop Being the “Clingy Girlfriend” in a Relationship.

What do you think, how do you feel? I welcome your thoughts in the comments section below! I can’t tell you what to do about a boyfriend who doesn’t make an effort in your relationship, but you will find it helpful to share your story. Writing is how we make sense of things, and how we see our relationships more clearly.

xo


Fix Your Marriage


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36 thoughts on “How to Respond When Your Boyfriend Makes No Effort

  • Sam

    My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 5 years. 2 years ago, something was off in our relationship and he wasn’t making effort with me, almost at all. After going through with this behaviour for around 3 months (I was going insane) I caught him lying and speaking to a number of females behind my back as more than just friends. He begged and begged for me to forgive him, that it was mistake. Because I love him, i did. We moved forward and ever since our relationship has been better than ever. However, just before christmas time, the same things started to happen again, effort drops off. When i say effort drops off, he takes hours to reply to me despite being very active on social media and those replies are one word conversation enders, isn’t bothered about spending time with me, tells me he is busy with his family, but I will find out he’s actually with his friends, I plan days out in advance but he makes me aware he won’t be able to attend because of work…but then when the time comes round to it, he is free but is going out with his friends in advance. Recently, despite being together for 5 years, I feel like a booty call. As well as this, I makes me question if he is speaking to other females behind my back again.
    I have shared my emotions and thoughts to him, he tells me I’m over reacting, I am being silly and he is still fully interested in me. When I have tried to speak about it again, he makes me feel as if its my fault, when he doesn’t see his change in actions are making me stressed and anxious.
    Honestly,I am fully aware I do not want a relationship with someone who acts like this and makes me feel this way, but I am in love with him and our relationship is great, when he gives 100% which I can not let go of, when right now its about 10%.

  • Julie

    My boyfriend and I have been dating about 5 months we’ve known each other for quite a while in the 1st couple months was wonderful we talked a lot did stuff together laugh together he started working more and didn’t have as much time is energy but I noticed that hes working obsessive until he absolute collapses he makes no time for me he keeps saying I can’t wait till we have time again when I get these jobs done but nothing is an emergency hes not strapped financially he doesn’t have to complete these things as fast as he does
    I go to his house and sleep a lot of nights with him that’s kind of all we’re doing anymore we’re not even having sex but if I don’t sleep over he calls me and text me I miss you so much I love you so much but he won’t actually put in any effort to do anything with me I’m so confused about about it I’ve lowered my expectations again and again and hes just been just disconnected just not really even present
    It’s like he knows he has me and he can just put me on a shelf until he feels like paying attention to me again and it’s not enough for me but I love him I know he loves me I don’t know why he doesn’t get it that this relationship is gonna die if he doesn’t keep starving it

  • Grace

    I learned that my in my boyfriends past relationships he always go and pick up her girldfriend at work and wait for her without asking anything … And i feel that he puts more effort to her past relationship, but to me he will ask first “should I pick you up?” Or “would you want to go out?” , I feel like there is no initiative or he doesnt want to see me at all.

  • Shannon

    So, I hate to call him my “boyfriend” because he is late 50’s and I am 47. We’ve been dating a little over a year. I don’t feel like I really know him at all. It’s a long distance relationship, we live 2 hours away from each other. We usually see each other every weekend but he normally works 6 days a week, 10 hours a day so we actually spend less than 24 hours a week with each other. Which actually does NOT suck because I was married for 24 years and I don’t miss having to make sure someone eats supper, has clean clothes, etc. We talk on the phone usually three times a day. My issue lately is, he will tell me he will come to my house on Saturday after work, then later he will call and say he has to go get his dogs and pick them up. Then he will call and say he thinks he will just wait until Sunday morning to come down, Sunday morning he says maybe that afternoon. So that irritates me as I scramble to get everything I need to get done before he gets there so I can spend time with him instead of homework or dishes or laundry. The first time I actually felt MORE irritated. I thought that would be an isolated incident but it happened again this weekend. I’m hoping this isn’t becoming a pattern. Even though he’s not there, I definitely don’t sit home pining away for him. This weekend I went to my sister’s house and watched a ball game and the next day went to a movie with a friend. Also, and I’m not materialistic by any means, he’s offered to buy me lots of things or even just give me money to help with bills. I always refuse because I want to make it on my own. That being said, on Christmas or birthdays or Valentine’s day, I expect something. Both Christmases we’ve been together he’s given me money with the excuse that he doesn’t have time to shop. Nothing on either Valentine’s Day (was REALLY pissed the first year, this year I knew I wouldn’t get anything so I didn’t get him anything either) and on my birthday, he said that he had a present for me at his house, then later said he had to order it. Then later said someone was making it. It’s been six months now and so far nothing. That bothers me because on his birthday I did get him a little something and also, called his sister to get his favorite chocolate cake and chocolate icing recipe of his mom’s who is deceased. Another thing that bothers me is he will ask me about my day or some other question, then when I answer, he switches the subject back to himself. Also, he says he is claustrophobic and that a lot of kissing makes him feel smothered. I’ve asked him to work on this and as the article says, he says he will and he does…..for about a half a day. I’m not sure how to approach any of this with him. I’ve mentioned the kissing thing to him a couple of times and so far, no real change. Another thing is when I’m at his house, I help him do things as far as remodeling a business, such as painting, knocking plaster off the walls, moving very large windows, doors, fireplace mantels, etc. But he’s never done anything at my house even though he says he will help me out. I sometimes wonder if my daughter was dating someone like him, if I’d tell her to ditch him.

    • Bell

      Oh my goodness. I could have written that. Except for the kissing part and in my case i see him even less (once a month) but in my case he lost several family members since I’ve known him so i know he’s dealing with that. It sounds to me like he’s not into you. I’m sorry. That’s hurtful. Especially no Valentine’s or birthday. You deserve better and it sounds line he’s managing down your expectations.

  • Kiki

    My future husband and I live 13 hrs apart.. I asked him to help me move to where he lives the first 2 times he said yes quickly.. I asked him again he did not reply back.. now the whole time we have been dating I have been the one to travel back and forth with my son to see him. I recently just been promoted to a great job.. I have told him that I will be losing a lot when I move career wise. But he feels that I would have a better chance getting a job were he lives then him getting a Job where I live… but that’s not the point. The point is if a man cares enough about his future wife and son would he want them to be safe and help them move to become a family..

    • Jennifer

      Kiki, I do not like what you said about being the one who travels back and forth. Not fair and a relationship is 2 ways……Since you have a Son and a new job would NOT recommend that you move to him. If he wants to make an effort to come visit you a few times you can see he’s pulling his weight. I would NEVER drop my whole life for a Man! Especially if you have a SON!! Please take some money you get from promotion and go to Counseling to help you

  • anonymous

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for more than a year now and I feel like lately he doesn’t make any effort to spend time with me. We’re both in college and when we started dating we were together all the time, we went out together with friends, we watched movies, etc. Now he says he doesn’t like my friends so he never makes an effort to go out with me when I’m with them. He always makes his schedules according to his friends schedules and if I wanna spend any time with him I have to change my schedules. He spends hours playing videogames and if I want us to go to bed together I always have to be waiting for him till 4 in the morning even when I have classes at 9, and when I wanna go to bed earlier I can’t even sleep because of the noise and flashing lights of the videogame.
    I feel like I’m the only one putting any effort for us to spend time together. We’re in a fight right now because of that and what he says is for me to do things the way I used to but that way we will never be together. He definetly isn’t prioritizing me.
    Next week is Valentines day, we live in far apart cities and are on a school break till the week after and I asked him if he wanted to go back to our school city to spend Valentines day together since it’s only 3 days before school starts. He doesn’t have any plans in those days and still he can not make an effort to spend that day with me, meanwhile I have 2 birthday parties and was ready to ditch them to spend time with him. Right now I want to clear things out and make this the last time we talk about this, because in the last month I told him many times that I felt like he made no time for me and was making more effort to spend time with his friends than with me, and he doesn’t even answers my texts.

    • Gabrielle

      Omgod girl leave him. Its time to let him go, you did all you could. I’m sorry but what he’s doing is horrible, really bad boyfriend in my eyes. You can do it xoxox

  • Christie

    I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I have started noticing lots of cracks in our relationship which have eventually led to me feeling unloved, invisible, not a priority and lonely. He doesn’t tell me he loves me very often, never compliments me, doesn’t text or call on the days we are apart and due to his lifestyle and commitments we see each other the same 3 evenings every week, and it has been the same 3 evenings for 3 years with the exception of one or two evening. hes never romantic, never takes me anywhere spontaneously it just goes on…. the hard part is we have a very deep connection, we understand eachother, and have the best friendship any partner could have… I have recently told him on a few occasions how unhappy I have become. He understood, admitted he takes me fore granted and he would try harder. It lasted 4 days. I have since ended the relationship as I feel it is a one way system with him taking and not giving. He is not a bad person, his life I guess doesn’t have room for me..This decision has however, broken me, I know it was right but it still hurts… I just hope I wasn’t expecting too much??? , hopefully each day, I will start to become stronger, and maybe me and him could continue with our friendship as time passes

  • Kylie

    So in my situation, I live with my boyfriend for about a year now in which we did move too fast because we moved in together after about 6 months of dating. With him, he tried very hard to get the first couple dates with me and he didn’t stop. He wanted to hang out everyday which at first I though was strange but I started to so after while it was weird for both of us to not be around each other every day. Not to mention, our second date was going to look at a puppy he was looking at after meeting my dog. So if it really weren’t for zoey (our dog) I wouldn’t have gone on that second date with him (because I just can’t say no to seeing puppies). Anyways, I eventually moved in with him and things were good. Then we signed our new real lease together and I don’t know how we got where we got but he started getting lazy. He used o do his laundry, make his bed, clean the kitchen, cook himself and I dinner when I was at HIS place a lot or even when i moved in with him! He felt his place was his and he wanted to keep his place sacred and clean! Which I loved! But we got OUR place, he expects me to clean, cook, everything. When I ask him (nearly beg him) to do something so simple such as make the bed, I come home at 3 pm from work when he has the day off and the bed, room, everything including him is a mess! And he’s unshowered and playing video games! This became such an issue that, we fight basically every days I do everything to make his life easier. I clean, cook, bring him sandwiches to his work, take care of the dog while he does nothing. Tonight was my last straw.. I worked until 11 pm and he worked until 7 and this morning I even brought everything out ingredients wise for him to FOR ONCE make me dinner because I was getting home SO late and SO exhausted. I mentioned it many times, can’t wait to get home and eat what you’ve made & have dinner with you! Literally so many times. Not in an highly expected way but just generally happy and loving! I had an awful night at work as a nursing assistant with 18 patients who were ungrateful and nurses who treated me like crap after doing everything for everyone around me. I felt once again unappreciated. I was still jus tholding it together because at least I have my boyfriend who will care for me for once instead of me constantly caring for others needs! Then I get a text at 10 pm! When ALL grocery stores near us are closed saying “I don’t feel like cooking tonight, we don’t have all the ingredients” so I say “ok why is it that you didn’t notice this when you got home from work when stores were open?!” And he states that he just noticed it then. But what?! He knew my day was not going well and that I have dinner ready for him every single night and just once, I ask him to just do it for me! Then I come home to him sleeping in bed. Nothing cleaned up, ingredients still on the counter, and not one thing made for me to eat.. and even better, after letting me in the door, not a how was work. Nope just opens the door, hey babe, then back to bed. I’ve had absolutely enough. So currently on the couch drinking a beer, eating leftovers from a 3 days ago (which is humorous because he could have at LEAST heated that up for me) and then all the sudden the dog jumps up at me. SHE STILL HAD HER HARNOUS ON HER. Back as a baby, he said the vet said not to let her sleep or have that on for a while because she is a labradoodle and it makes their hair very knotty and bad for their skin. Yet there it is, still on since god knows when he took her out. All I think of him is selfish & inconsiderate of everyone’s feelings but his own. Keep in mind, he does suffer from depression here and there where he has no energy at times and finds no pleasure in anything. He also is financially stressed and gets seasonal sadness (it’s winter here in Wisconsin) and I try my hardest to support his needs with it all but it drains me always having to take care of him while I get nothing in return except more expectations. I get so exhausted and mad that I says things hurtful accidentally such as “you do nothing around here! You only care about yourself, you’re lazy” out of anger.. which it catches up to me and makes me awful because I know his lack of energy plays a large part of it but how am
    I supposed to feel or do.. to make it even better he recently told me after a large fight about laundry or something I barely remember, that he’s decided to go for traveling nursing in California this spring because he will make more
    Money (something he is very stressed out about) and I don’t know what to do because that’s not part of our plan. And what does he say when I say that, he says “what plan?!” And then what we talked about was not “set in stone” and that “things change”. I don’t know what to do or how to feel.. I’m trying to figure out if it’s his depression that’s making him stress to make more money as well as not doing anyrhjng for me or the home we live in, or if he truly doesn’t care for me or my feelings and I’m just here for the mean time to do things for him?

    • Gabrielle

      LEAVE HIM. This man is no good for you, and he will never learn how to grow out of his depression if there’s someone always doing everything for him. I am depressed as well and yet my partner is on top of my prioroty list. Even when you are depressed you can do little things, especially if its for someone you love. I don’t understand why he wouldnt make you diner when you took out all the ingredients. He truly sucks, im sorry but you need to leave him. 🙁 you can still offer him emotional support (from a distance) if he needs it…good luck, xoxo

  • Princess

    My boyfriend had proposed me to marry him on 3rd month dating.. then he was stressed up with his business he didn’t know how to handle .. i started helping him and give him directions.. he was getting through in a good way ,though at times i had to push him as he haf started giving up.. but then he broke up with me while am at my work place .. it was terrible..but i couldn’t let my personal issues interfere with my work i locked the door of my office and kept on working with tears.. three months later he comes back .. but again he hasnt mentioned he needs a favour .. but he kinda mentioned about something that i was helping him out with telated to his business.. i offered him help yet lol.., and the matter is going well on his favour and he has pulled off again.. bi communication.. am glad i had asked him once if he just came around cause he wanted favour.. he said he still have strong feelings for me.. but deep inside i know he is just using.
    What can i do to walk out of this toxic relationship?

  • Millie

    I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years now, i love him and I know he loves me back but, my biggest insecurity is him changing and being lazy in the relationship, which I have noticed he has been doing lately. He has always been so sweet and consistent. Surprising me with letters, giving me flowers and just little things like opening the door for me. Now he doesn’t do any of those, and I miss how it was before. I really i am lost and don’t know what to do, love only gets old if he allows it, I have been trying to do sweet things for him aswell by making him a nice meal and texting him good morning and just checking up on him but I guess he seems rather bored. We currently are not speaking it’s been three days, and this has been the longest fight we’ve ever had, since we always try fixing it right away and I feel like we’ve just gotten so exhausted and I’ve just been so sad over the lack of effort he used to give.

    • K

      What happened now Millie? One month later…. any improvement? I understand where you are at with this.. I mentally…I don’t understand the action itself 🙁

  • Brenda

    These tips actually worked. First off I pulled back without warning. It took him 2 days to notice something. Then he texted me to see how I was doing. I said “fine”. Then nothing. Next thing I woke up to a text. A lovely text of him telling me that we can talk everyday when I wake up in the morning. It’s long distance and he is 8 hours ahead of me. I said ok. He did call me every morning like he said for a week. I asked why the sudden change? He said that the only thing I require of him is to give me attention. And the only way we can get closer is by communicating as much as we can. He said that I’ve been making effort so can he. He’s been consistent so far. I make sure I put into the relationship as much as I get. It has created a balance to where I don’t feel exhausted with trying to keep things going.

    Ladies lay back and observe. That’s the only way you will know how he truly feels. Also be prepared to lose him. Meaning if he doesn’t step up when you pull back. Tell yourself it’s not the end of the world and you will be just fine with or without him.

    Then keep being the fabulous person that you are.

    Cheers

  • anonymous

    thank you so much for posting this article since i really need clarity for my mind . My boyfriend and I been together for a few months ,we dated not really long time ago and now we are in long distance. I haven’t see each other for 2months which it is really upsetting. Recently,he told me he’ll be busy with work and i tried to understand our situation right now..But he i feel like he doesn’t seems to give much effort for this relationship to get closer. He’s really bad at texting and sometimes we don’t really talk on the phone cause he said he was tired. But there’s one time where I got really mad and told him what i feel about everything and he said he was sorry and he tell me how much he loves me. I do really love him even we just got together. It’s so hard due to his work ,he still trying his best to see me at least thats what he told me. I hope everything goes well for both us to get this relationship last. But do you guys think it’s worth it?

  • Glo babs

    Hello,
    Thank you for creating this platform. So my boyfriend and I will have been together for a year this november. I would say he fell in love(infatuated?) with me very quickly after meeting me. He told me he loved me within weeks of us meeting. He was very affectionate and gentle towards me and would make it a point to call me every day, the first maybe 2-3 months of our relationship. We ended up living together briefly because he did not want to be apart from me. However, somewhere after the 4-5 month mark, he got another job and started working two jobs. He nolonger would make as much effort, like call or text to check on me. I went through a period of unemployment and he was not emotionally supportive through this period. I would get so frustrated with him because I really was not asking for much, just a phone call to check on your girlfriend surely is not asking for much. Anyway I would talk about these things with him and he would make progress, but then get right back to the same place shortly after. It is almost like I was forcing him to show that he cared. So i moved out and got my own place and we continued dating. He still did not make much of an effort as far as even coming to visit me. I would be the one driving to go see him, but I still over looked it and gave him benefit of doubt. When i pull back abit, i notice it is when he makes an effort. He does not take me out for surprise outings or does not plan anything for us to do as a couple, but still i do not complain much about that. i just wish he would be more emotionally available. There are sometimes I try to talk to him about my day, and he is listening but he doesnt engage or seem interested. From what i have learned about him, I know he is someone who does not really know what dating is. He does not feel like he should go the extra mile to do anything as long as you know he loves you. That should be enough. I have tried so many times to let the relationship go and have broken up with him, but he does not want to let me go. I really get frustrated with him often because he does not want to let me go, but yet he can not do what I ask of him. Please advice and apologize for the long narration.

  • Briseida Alcaraz

    So me and my bf have been dating fur about 5 months now. But for about two of those months, we’ve been in a long distance relationship due to him being relocated for work and we’ve only really seen each other about two or three times irl. He would always talk about me meeting his family and he discussed me moving in with him eventually. I’m about to turn 20 in a few months and he’s 25, I’m afraid i might be a little too naive or wayyy too vulnerable for someone like him. The thing is there seemed to be no problem in our relationship, i love him and i feel like it’s mutual but about two weeks ago he began to claim that i was cheating on him (which I’m not) and well ik its happened to him before. And now he hasnt talked to me in almost three weeks. I’ll call him daily or send him texts but he only leaves me on seen and doesnt reply. Idk if he’s extremely busy or what’s happening but he doesn’t communicate at all with me. I’m very worried and actually considering going to where he is and seeking answers. Please help?

    • Brenda

      Honestly if you’ve tried messaging him and he isn’t responding I would just stop. I’ll leave him alone. Let him come to you. No texting. No calling. Nothing. Just stay silent.

  • Amy

    I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half now. We’ve had a roller coaster of a relationship. He always used to put his friends before me, lied to me, involved in gangs and drugs. He has changed massively and does not do any of those things now. However I have had major trust issues since I was young and still find it hard to trust him in certain situations. So I like to know what he’s doing or who he’s with for peace of mind. He gets angry and it’s caused a lot of fights lately. I feel like now he’s doing things to purposely piss me off like not talk to me all day or say that I’m always starting shit. For our year and a half anniversary I didn’t have money at the time and we were fighting a lot but I made him a good luck bracelet and wrote him a very personal card. He was grateful but got me nothing. He has way more money than me and said he didn’t do anything because he was angry at me. I’ve been upset ever since and it’s only been a week but I’m feeling really low and I have bad anxiety in general but it’s been worse lately because of him. Advice? X

    • Ashelynn

      I know this is a late reply but do you feel like he respects you? Do you feel loved? Would you be better off without him? To me it seems like your boyfriend is causing your anxiety and making you feel down which is not okay at all. Either speak up about these things or get out of that relationship. Leaving a person you love is one of the hardest things to do. So accept that it will be hard, cry about it for a week or two and try to move on with your life and realize that you deserved so much better then that pos.

  • Nancy

    For the first time in my life,i met someone who truly loves me,he gives me everything i want,he goes out of his way to do anything for me,but because i have being in so many bad relationships,i find it hard to trust him,lately we were having so many issues,cos i couldn’t trust him and thought he was cheating! Lately he seem a bit distant,he will pick my calls and reply my messages when he is in a meeting,now he complains that it upsets him a bit when i text him when he is in a meeting.. He used to call me at night before he sleeps,now he doesn’t anymore,he takes days to reply my whatsapp messages. He barely calls me back when he sees my miss calls,i talked to him about it,he told me he is just stressed up with work.. Now he tries to call me at night or text me before he sleeps,he returns my calls,but things are not like before.. I miss him and who he use to be,at the same time am preparing myself for the worst! I know it was all my fault and wish i could fix things! He sent a text yesterday telling me,he is still with me and will always be with me,he loves me and needs me,but he is still a bit distant! I don’t want to lose him,i made a mistake and have learnt to trust him now! I just want the real him back! 😭

    • Brenda

      Yep. I’m going through the same thing now. I told him I loved him and the only reason why I would ever leave him is if he cheated on me. But I needed to know if he still wanted the relationship with me because he has been so distant. He said he did. But the communication thing has really slowed down. My birthday weekend was really rough. I talked to him early in the day (he was out of town). That was on Friday. I didn’t hear from him till early Sunday morning when I drunk texted him. LOL. It wasn’t any thing bad.
      So guess what? I decided to pull back and just sit and watch. Its exhausting when you are the one doing the heavy lifting. I have trust issues as well. But I look at him for him. I trust him but I just wish he would give me more time. I just don’t feel like a priority any more. So I am working on adjusting my expectations so I don’t get disappointed. The last time I told him about him not making me a priority, he said felt he wasn’t good enough for me. Made me feel so bad.
      My brother did tell me that he may be going through some things in his personal life that he is not ready to share with me. So that could also be taking up his time and mind. Either way I have decided to just sit back and live my life. Go back to doing the things I use to do before I met him. I miss him terribly.

  • Esther

    I love my boyfriend so much, we’ve been together for a year now. I pay d bills, I buy him stuffs give him money, I practically do everything in d relationship . But he has never considered making me happy for once. The worst of all, He’s so Unforgiven, if we have misunderstanding i”ll sent a text of apology, after that i”ll try to call him, but, he won’t pickup on several occasions…. Should I quit or continue with the relationship? ‘m tired n don’t know what to do anymore!

  • Lindsay

    I’ve been dating Wes for about 6-7 months. Around the 5th month, he asked me to be his girlfriend but then he quickly retracted it after realizing how serious we were about to be. He said he wanted to have a deeper talk about expectations and his four years old son before we can be official. We continue dating but not once did he ever bring up talking about all that he mentioned. The same month, I started my PhD program but I still made the time to see him. He started withdrawing from me after I asked him 2-3 times to hang out and do things with me. He said he’s tired or too busy. After I voiced my frustration, he said he’s been busy with trying to get a promotion at work and on his free time he spends it with his son. He said he was seeking for personal growth and happiness. About 2 weeks or so after, I voiced my concerns again about his lack of effort in making quality time. I said we work on it or we end it. He sense my seriousness and took me out on a date, told me he will make more time to spend with me once a week (I’m busy too so once a week is good for me.) He told me about his insecurity that I seem to have a plan and moving forward with my life and career, while he’s not and he fears the future ahead. Afterwards he’s been making the time but only when I remind him. Also he always respond but he’s texting less. I’m still dissatisfied I guess. I don’t know what to do. Forgive me for my writing as it is 1 am.

  • Trish

    I really love this article. Im dating my bf for a year and a half and we have had many calm as well as heated conversations about our relationship on our priority list. High on mine, low on his. I am the first gf my bf ever had and theres only so much I can pin on that reason. But I decided to tell my bf what makes me happy. Not material things, but being romantic on special occasions. Anniversaries, birthdays etc. But he still makes no effort in even recognizing relationship milestones like anniversaries, but he has done romantic things for the girl he chased for 6 years. But refuses to do that for me. He is quite affectionate and does make sure the bills are paid etc. But he would rather break up than try to understand what makes me happy and make an effort. I sometimes think my expectations are too high. So I dropped them and only expected him to make an effort on anniversaries but still nothing. Advice please? Should I just leave and find someone that can give me those things?

  • Eva

    I met my boyfriend at work. We recently broke up with him due to the fact that, despite my efforts to express how I didn’t feel like a priority, and him apologizing, him not making an effort to see me during the week (“Works been crazy”) and saying he would call me at night, but not, he did not change and I gave it 2 1/2 weeks.

    I felt confident with my decision to part. As stated above, knowing what your boyfriend is going through (ex trauma, personal grief, work load) is important and all, but also knowing how you would act if you were in a similar situation gives you answers and peace. I have three jobs…he has one, I’ve been threatened in relationships/emotionally abused…he was cheated on…. and I can say that I would of made more of an effort. He said he would change, but he said that before.

    You can spend a lifetime figuring out a person’s situation and analyze things, but at the end of the day, actions are louder than words, and if a man/women REALLY wants to be with you, they will move mountains. A relationship is 50/50. Know your worth and don’t settle for a man who doesn’t act like he’s got you pinned down, get a man who treats you like he can’t get enough of you.

    • Sarah

      Love your reply and I agree with it all I’m struggling right now as I’m conflicted with wht to do how long do you wait how long do you keep understanding he has issues he is dealing with but makes minimal effort with our relationship.. I’m just sad angry and confused

  • Laurie Post author

    Thank you for being here, and for being so honest about your relationship difficulties! It’s so frustrating and difficult when you love a man – your boyfriend – and he doesn’t make any effort to see you, love you, or even respect you. It’s also heartbreaking, especially when you want to be with him.

    You can’t change your boyfriend. You can’t “make” him love you, or force him to make an effort in your relationship. All you can do is give him space to love you the way he wants. If this doesn’t work for you – if he disrespects, ignores, or even abuses you – then you need to decide what to do. Do you want to stay with your boyfriend, just the way he is right now? You can’t change how he acts toward you…you can only change your expectations.

    I say I never give advice, but this is one thing I want you to know: you have to build a life outside your relationship with your boyfriend. You can’t let him be the center of your life! You need to rest your hopes, dreams and future on a love that never fails, a river that never runs dry. This isn’t a man. No boyfriend in the world can fill the emptiness that only God can fill.

    Get emotionally and spiritually healthy. Open your heart to Jesus; listen to His call on your life. Then, you’ll have the wisdom and guidance you need. Then, you’ll know what to do when your boyfriend makes no effort in your relationship.

    What do you think?

    xo
    Laurie

  • Madi

    So, my boyfriend and i have known each other our entire lives. We’re both in high school now. I’m going to be a junior in a few months and he’ll be a freshman in college. It’s been bugging me for a while but I finally decided to do something about the fact that he doesn’t really seem to make an effort to see me. Like, I’ve planned 90% of our dates. We live like 30-35 minutes away but I have friends who have relationships similar and they see their boyfriends all the time. We only see each other every one or two weeks at the most. Recently, and at a time where my mental state has been absolute crap and I really needed some comfort, we didn’t see each other for about a month and a half. Oh, also he keeps poking my stomach and at first it was funny and cute but now it’s genuinely annoying and I’m trying to tell him to stop but he doesn’t take me seriously and just kind of turns it into a joke. Help me please I have no idea what to do.

    • Samantha

      Hi, I really need help/advice
      Me and my boyfriend have been together for 9months and we really do love each other but a couple weeks ago we just didn’t talk as much or communicate in person & I asked him if he wants this relationship and he said he’s lost feelings for me (but he doesn’t know and his heads abit lost) and it doesn’t feel like we’re together anymore because the conversation is “dead”. And I told him we can figure it out together after 1/2 weeks I asked him again and go if you don’t want to be with me just say it and he said he doesn’t want to be a di**head and I said fine and I tried ending it because the way I was getting replies I felt as if he didn’t want this no more. But then he started talking to me normally and we was fine for a couple weeks but it’s been 3 weeks now he just hasn’t been putting effort in and leaves me on read and blancs my messages (on snapchat we have a streak and that’s when he snaps me) & I texted him saying hiya and he left me on read I just don’t know what to do anymore my friends have told me to end this but I really do love him what shall I do?

  • Jennifer Smith

    This helps me to decide that I can’t wear rose colored glasses with my current relationship .thanks for helping me see what I have to remove from my life .