How to Handle Your Boyfriend’s Lack of Effort

You love your boyfriend and you think (or know!) he loves you back…but he stopped making an effort in your relationship. You’re starting to wonder about your boyfriend’s feelings for you. Maybe you’re even worried that he no longer loves you the way he used to.

Does your boyfriend still care about you? Why isn’t he trying harder to show his love? You don’t want to over-react, but you’re starting to worry that maybe your boyfriend stopped making an effort because his feelings have changed.

One of the best things to do when you’re confused about your relationship is to pull back and try to see yourself — and your boyfriend — more objectively. Here, you’ll find several questions and tips to help you evaluate your relationship and make a good decision about your boyfriend. You’ll learn how to respond when your boyfriend stops texting you. And if you need help deciding what to do about a boyfriend who isn’t making an effort in your relationship, you can share your story in the comments section below.

Putting yourself in your boyfriend’s shoes (and life) is important when you’re wondering what to do about his lack of effort. If, for example, your boyfriend is dealing with work stress, emotional health issues or family problems then you can might want to give him some time and space. But if you have no idea why your boyfriend stopped making an effort in your relationship, you may need to talk to him openly and honestly.

Be objective: how well do you know your boyfriend? How much do you know about his life, family, friends and job? On a scale of 1 to 10, would you rate your relationship a 1 (you started dating within the last couple of months and are still in the beginning phases of getting to know each other) or a 10 (you’ve been dating for 20 years and know each other inside and out)? The middle of this “relationship scale” is a 5: you’ve been dating for a year or more, and you know each other fairly well. Still, surprises still pop up often enough to keep you on your toes.

5 Things to Do When Your Boyfriend Stops Making an Effort

Did your boyfriend stop making an effort because he’s distracted or stressed about something else in his life? If so, you have to trust that your relationship can handle this temporary lull in affection and attention.

If, however, your boyfriend really has lost interest in you, then you may have to be painfully honest with yourself. You may have to loosen your attachment and allow your boyfriend to withdraw or even leave. The worst thing you can do is become a desperate, emotionally suffocating girlfriend who is scared to lose her boyfriend.

1. Accept that you can’t change your boyfriend

No matter how much you wish your boyfriend was making more of an effort in your relationship, you have to remember that there’s nothing you can do to change him. You want him to want you. You wish your boyfriend was as attentive and loving as he was at the beginning of your relationship. Of course you want him to make an effort to wine and dine you; his time, effort, and energy shows he cares about you.

Don’t let your wishes control your thoughts and feelings. If you succumb to what you wish your relationship and boyfriend was, then you’ll find yourself begging or manipulating your boyfriend into making an effort in your relationship. Instead of wishing things were different, practice accepting the fact that you can’t change your boyfriend or make him want to spend time with you.

Accept your boyfriend for who he is today.

2. Remember who you can change

If you’re depressed by my first tip on what to do when your boyfriend makes no effort in your relationship (accept him for who he is right now), I’ve got good news for you! You have the power to change someone very important in your life. You can change how you respond to your boyfriend and everything else in your life. You can adjust your expectations and change your reactions. You can’t control your feelings, but you can control what you say and do.

You don’t have to change your personality, but you may need to change your expectations. Are you expecting more from your boyfriend than he can give? If you depend on him for your self-identity and self-image, then you have to learn how to be an emotionally strong woman in your relationships. If your self-image is shattered because your boyfriend stopped making an effort, then you’re expecting too much from him.

Here’s what to do: write down the three strongest emotions you feel about your boyfriend’s lack of effort in your relationship. Write in your journal or diary, or share in the comments section below. Writing down your expectations will not only help you gain clarity and insight into yourself, it’ll also help you see if you need to change what you expect of your boyfriend.

3. Don’t settle for less than you deserve in a relationship

After you write down your expectations of your boyfriend, ask yourself if they’re realistic. For example, do you expect your boyfriend to text you five times a day or call you first thing in the morning and last thing before you fall asleep? Maybe what you see as your boyfriend’s “lack of effort” is simply a normal part of being in a solid, comfortable relationship.

On the other hand, maybe your boyfriend’s lack of effort means that he only calls you once a month or texts you once every two months. That’s not enough for any relationship! Maybe you feel grateful when your boyfriend finally decides to stop by at 10 pm, without calling first. Maybe he always expects you to be waiting for him, ready to do whatever he wants. Those aren’t just low relationship expectations, they’re unhealthy patterns of behavior. If you’re last on your boyfriend’s list of priorities, then you need to stop wondering what to do when he makes no effort in your relationship. You need to recognize that you’re settling for less than you deserve. And you need to figure out why you’re not asking him to treat you better.

4. Look at your boyfriend’s life through his eyes

my boyfriend doesn't do anything special for me
When Your Boyfriend Stops Making an Effort

Are circumstances in your boyfriend’s life affecting how he relates to you and others? This is where my first question comes in: how well do you know your boyfriend? If you’ve been together for a long time (a 7 or 8 on that “relationship scale” at the beginning of this article), then maybe you can see that your boyfriend isn’t making an effort because he’s dealing with serious issues in other parts of his life.

If you haven’t been dating long — or if your relationship is less than a year old — you may not know your boyfriend well enough to determine why he stopped making an effort. Is your boyfriend an emotionally unavailable man? Maybe he’s coping with financial problems in his professional or personal life, or grieving the los of someone he loves. Maybe he’s too heavy into the party, drugs, and alcohol scene. Or maybe your boyfriend is dealing with an ex-wife and custody issues, and just doesn’t have the time or energy to make an effort in your relationship.

5. Talk to him without getting angry or upset

It doesn’t have to be a big, heavy “relationship talk”! How you approach your boyfriend depends on his personality, your style of communication, and your relationship. If you almost never see each other, then sitting down to talk about your relationship – or his lack of effort – would look much different than if you live together.

Find a low-key, nonthreatening way to approach him. Try not to get upset, irritated, or emotional. Ask your boyfriend open-ended questions about how he thinks your relationship is going, and if there’s anything you both can do to bring you closer together. What you talk about really does depend on the issues you’re facing, how long you’ve been together, and why your boyfriend isn’t making an effort in your relationship.

If your boyfriend never made an effort to begin with, then he may simply be lazy or indifferent to building and maintaining a relationship with you. Perhaps he wasn’t taught how to love a woman, and he hasn’t taken time to learn what goes into a happy, healthy relationship. Perhaps he thinks guys don’t need to make an effort in relationships, and girlfriends should do all the work.

See why it’s so important for you to know your boyfriend — and know yourself — before deciding what to do when he doesn’t make an effort? All relationships are unique. And, your definition of “not making an effort” may not match your boyfriend’s definition…which means you’re operating from a completely different set of expectations.

What do you think? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section below! I have no answers, but you may find it helpful to write about your relationship. Writing can help you discover if you’re expecting too much, or if your boyfriend stopped making an effort because your relationship doesn’t mean much to him.

If your boyfriend or others say that you’re expecting too much, read 11 Ways to Stop Being the “Clingy Girlfriend” in a Relationship.


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97 thoughts on “How to Handle Your Boyfriend’s Lack of Effort”

  1. 3 strongest emotions:

    wishful thinking:
    wanting to be wanted deeply
    wanted to feel like a woman kisses, grabbed, eye gazed
    wanting to be complimented and acknowledged.

    I guess i just want everything i had before and i want to feel the efforts made as they were before.
    i think if i knew he wasn’t capable of doing these things i wouldn’t feel so strongly. but that’s what made me
    fall in love with him and now that i feel like the efforts aren’t made or not even made but not wanted, not driven, not desired as he felt before. it makes me feel like he’s okay with giving me the minimum because he knows i will accept it. it just makes me sad.

    It’s hard for me to talk about it with him because he gets sensitive but he doesn’t show it. He almost kind of agrees to get it over with but nothing changes. We’ve been through a lot. I moved across the world during the honey moon phase of our relationship. Soon realizing i wasn’t going to come back to where i met him i tried to break it off. He didn’t want to and i ended up cheating. my ex best friend told him everything and ever since then it’s been a nightmare. He forgave me and I eventually moved back. we were back in the honeymoon stage for a few months and then he slowly started resenting me. I get it but at the same time if he wasn’t ready to forgive me he didn’t need to and should of taken his own time instead of us going through this. I don’t know what to do. I love him more than ever and I know I made the biggest mistake of my life. Should I just never expect to be treated the way he used to treat me? Is that just how things are going to go? We’ve been together a year and a half now.

  2. Me and my partner have been together 5 years. His family are complicated, we rushed into our relationship, live together almost 5 years. He has cheated messages online I found a year ago. We are ok, but I still do everything, I cook everything, he never cooks for me, I clean, washing, I get the shopping, he won’t even take the bins out when I ask, because of my approach apparently. Which was ‘I’m looking so bad I don’t want neighbours to see me like this. He is properly dressed and looks fine, just too add. I forgot the bin was being collected and it was due to arrive in a few hours, he didn’t take it out. He assumed I wanted an argument for asking him to take the bin out. When I’m on call to family he interupts every time. I love my partner but I just feel like I’m too smothering to him, I thought this was how you ought to be in a relationship. Show that you love them, laugh, argue, help eachother. Right now I feel like I’m an inconvenience to him.

  3. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years. The first year was good, with what I call “sparks!”
    He is very sporadic with hugs and holding hands. When leaving to go home, 98% of time, he kisses me passionately and holds me tight. We have had sex, one time. He has issues, related to Pyrones disease. He blames his lack of functioning on his religious faith. He feels sex is for marriage. Needless to say, I do not want to get married, to see if that will make a difference.
    He is educated, working on a doctorate degree, employed, non smoker, drinks socially, is religious and knowledgeable about the Bible.
    He dresses professionally. Lives like a “pig” in his own house. Has financial debt, related to college expenses. He is mechanical and can fix many things. Has done things for me, in my own home.
    I am feeling, like my expectations may be too high. He is a mental health counselor and I am a registered nurse. I am retired. I need suggestions on how to deal with this. I do not want to give up on relationship, But seems to be STAGNANT right now.

  4. My boyfriend and I have been dating for three months. We had romantic dates and fell in love at first sight. Three weeks in he moved in with me and then the coronavirus pandemic hit and our romance took a nosedive. I’m an essential worker so I work fulltime while he sits at home playing video games all day long. I’ve tried to initiate intimacy and have been rejected because hes tired. We dont laugh as much as we used too. I’ve mentioned his lack of effort and he did take it on bored but recently I’m seeing a slip into his old ways. What do I do? He tells me constantly how much he loves me..

    1. I am literally in the exact same position. Except I work from home, so I have to watch him do nothing all day and work. Also expected to cook, clean, do the laundry, take care of our pet. I’m so upset. I tried talking to him about it and he was very dismissive with just an “okay”

  5. I have been dating my boyfriend for over 3years now but he hasn’t prioritized me..his family always comes first, whereas i do the most work, im there for him emotionally, physically financially sometimes…but I always come last on his list … he is a good guy and he respects me and all but im jst tired cos he doesn’t spend on me….Then i met another guy who will give me his eyeballs as soon as i ask for them but he is very disrespectful and selfish wen it comes to my feelings.. he is always the right one.. if I complain of being ignored till his convenience he jst ignores me some more and comes back to say “I’m sorry babe i love you” and thats it..I really don’t know what to do.. please help me

  6. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and will be 4 years this August. In the first year of the relationship it was really good and he made an effort to be with me, and I felt like he really loved me. In the second year of the relationship we were going out a lot to bars and clubs, and he began to drink a lot, and would become very aggressive with me, and started to treat me bad. It became so bad that I almost broke up with him. After a few nights of him treating me bad, he noticed that I was about to leave him so stopped drinking when we would go out because he didn’t want to be aggressive with me anymore. For the past year and a half he stopped being aggressive after a night out of drinking. One of the issues I have had for almost 2 years is that he does not put effort to see me. If I don’t ask him… “are we seeing each other today? He won’t make an effort to see me. He works a lot sometimes so I understand he is tired, but he always wants me to come over his house. He never makes an effort to pick me up or come over my house. The times he comes over my house on his days off it’s really late at night because he says he is tired and wants to lay down the whole day. He has always been lazy and wants to spend his day relaxing on his days off. We are now in quarantine and I have mostly been the one to come see him. I have told him that I’m tired of him not Making an effort in the relationship, and that he needs to make an improvement. He told me the other day… if you don’t like the way I am, then leave me. He also said that I know how he is and that he is tired from work. I have told him many times that he doesn’t care about me, and he always says that he loves me. I do still love him, and have a lot of nice moments with him, and great memories. We do not even live together and he puts no effort, and I think throughout the years it would get worse if we get married, or live together. I don’t know what to do and need some advice. It’s hard to let go of someone you love, and it’s not that easy for me. I know he’s not a bad person maybe he doesn’t feel the same about me anymore, or still loves me but is not in love with me anymore.

  7. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years and recently he has started to change. I was very prioritized in his life before but now he does not want to place me as high on his priority list anymore. Now he wants us to not meet more than 2 times per week, even if none of us are working or studying full time at the moment. Because he needs time for himself and his past time projects, which is understandable as he is more introverted. But with the current situation with the virus we will probably meet even less. Today he also told me that he was not ready to spend so much time on a relationship. I can’t help but feel like he doesn’t care as much about me as he used to, as we used to spend more time together before when I was more prioritized. I feel like the future that I saw with him will not be possible anymore. He has said that he would maybe consider living together in five years. I just feel like that is so little reassurance for what would be 7 years together, that we would have the possibility to then just maybe live together. Several, if not most of my friends live together with their partner and it is something I wish to do too. Maybe not right now but sooner than 5 years from now, of that I am certain. I have asked him to write more often if we do not physically meet so often, but I don’t want to keep pushing him for more attention. I don’t want to beg for it, it should come naturally I feel. Any advice would be helpful to me

  8. Honestly this lockdown really changed my relationship! We were fine for the first 6 months, then with this virus we haven’t been able to see each other. The problem is, everyone around me has boyfriends that are going the extra mile to make sure their girlfriends feel loved at this time. I get 2-3 texts a day and I have to call him every few days just to hear his voice. And when I ask him what he’s been doing that he can’t call me, he gives me horrible excuses. But he makes time for his boys and gaming everyday. I told him 3 times that this has bothered me and he has made no effort to change this. I’m not asking for much, just some normal effort. I had a quarantine birthday and got a ton of messages and phone calls from everyone, but from him? I had to call him! Then it was our anniversary two days later….he forgot. and guess what? NO PHONE CALL. I thinking breaking up with him is definitely a stretch, but I’m tired of begging my boyfriend for some reasonable attention. Especially since he can’t even deliver the bare minimum in this relationship. Any advice please?

    1. Hi Ella. Wow I can relate so much to this. I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months also and at the beginning he put in so much effort above and beyond and now it’s like he is a different person. I feel so let down all the time when I really am not asking for much. Just know you’re not the only one feelings this I’m not sure what is going on because I confront him about it and he says he just hasn’t been on his phone. Anyway not sure what to do either but it helps to know I’m not the only one

      1. Ella and Amber-

        I am right there with you and share very similar feelings. I too feel like I’m not asking “too much”- but even if I’m clear in communicating what I want and need, my boyfriend rarely makes the effort. It’s comforting knowing others face the same issues.

        I love him a lot- we’ve been together for 2.5 years- but I’m starting to realize that despite my feelings for him, I can’t continue on in the relationship if he isn’t willing to understand my feelings and desires. It’s a painful truth. But I’m starting to realize my own self worth. I don’t want to settle or compromise my own feelings anymore…..And you shouldn’t either.

        All I can suggest is continue to be very clear with your communication. I think it’s not enough to say “I don’t feel like I’m a priority”. Maybe what they need to here is (as an example)- “I’m not feeling like a priority to you, and therefore what I need is for you to make dinner with me one night this week so we can reconnect.”. That gives a clear instruction on how they can help meet your needs. If they are willing- great! That’s Progress! But If they are not- I think you have to consider moving on. That’s why I feel like I need to leave. Despite me working on being explicitly clear- he still hasn’t been willing or able to meet my needs. I’d rather focus my energy on someone who can!

        I hope you work things out- either way. We all deserve to be happy.

    2. If he isn’t putting any effort in the beginning of the relationship then I think it’s time to let him go. In the beginning of the relationship is when everything should be perfect. He should be making an effort to see u, call u , and text you throughout the day. If you have never met in person then it’s more than enough reason to break up with him. I think you deserve attention and love from a real man.

    3. I feel you. This quarantine also suddenly ruined my relationship.
      My boyfriend got busy with his work, which is busier due to quarantine, and stopped putting in his usual thoughtful effort, so I stopped putting out, and now I’m about to break up with him.
      It’s sad. But I guess it just shows how people handle stress. For me personally, I feel like my boyfriend does not know how to go through a crisis ‘together’. He is trying to save the world on his own. He has never had a serious relationship so he doesn’t know that we could have gone through it together. It’s more about him being a ‘hero’. Boy bye.

  9. This is good advice thanks, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for six months now and it’s been a really hard couple of months for us. He lost his dad, my nana nearly died and now needs constant care then her partner died and now this lockdown. When I first met him I didn’t think I needed a relationship but now especially in this lockdown I feel a little empty and alone. Also his mum is very protective of him and has him wrapped around his finger, when she wants him home he goes which is very frustrating for me. I am not allowed upstairs in their house either, it just makes me feel uncomfortable if I go to his. But anyway recently it just feels like he’s not trying to be romantic or even putting much in, Ik our situation is very complicated and he is probably dealing with his dad still but I have to help my nana everyday and I still make time for him, send him cute messages like I made some welsh cakes I was thinking I could drop some off and give you a little peck as kind of a joke and he just replied with no don’t do that. As his tummy is upset, but there’s been more times idk I just think in this lockdown I’ll message him say I’m not far from where he is and I’m like I could drive past wave from my car and he’s like no don’t do that. And I don’t know whether it’s that he’s worried about his mother as she has totally stopped him from going outside and she stopped him from seeing me before the lockdown was announced. Idk I really love him he’s the first person that’s ever given my butterflies or made me actually feel anything, but I just feel like it’s all changed now maybe and I’m not sure how to continue. When he just cuts me off or just blindly follows what his mum says which is most of the time unreasonable it just makes me feel like he doesn’t care too much about me, like he isn’t willing to fight for me. Whereas if I was in his situation I would just leave (not during the lockdown). The three emotions you suggested we wrote down mine were: Last on the priorities, unloved, lonely/lost. So any advice would be helpful.

    1. You, me, and probably thousands of other girls are in the same boat right now with the Coronavirus. Now, I don’t know all the details of this, but I would say that he’s pushing you away unintentionally while trying to cope with the loss of his father. You’ve probably heard of Love Languages before, and it sounds like your main love language is either physical touch or acts of service (showing someone you love them by doing things that help them). I don’t know if you have or not, but try just letting him spill his heart out to you about his feelings. He may be afraid to show sensitivity, make sure to let him know that it’s okay for him to cry. I think that might make him feel better. I can sorta relate to you, my boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 months, but our relationship took off really quickly, and he seemed like the perfect boyfriend for the first month, but after that, it’s seemed like I’ve gradually lost his respect. It’s hard to deal with, but I’m trying to just tolerate it until the coronavirus is over, in hopes that things will go back to normal. Just know, that you DO deserve love in this relationship. I would wait it out just a bit, though, because he’s probably dealing with a lot right now. But again, ask if he wants to just get anything off of his chest about his father, and just let him talk. Anyways, good luck, and I hope things turn out well for you! I’m just a girl who’s watched a fair amount of psychology videos, but I hope that this advice helps you!!

  10. Can’t believe how common my situation is right now. I’m dating this guy for 3 years now. For the past few months I noticed he stopped making effort. He used to come over to my place so often no matter what day what time. But since last year, he stopped doing that. He came up with a lot of excuses such as “traffic is bad”, “I have homework” (he’s a grad school), oh and the one that always gets on my nerve “I’m tired”.
    Fine, don’t come. Then, at least FaceTime? But nope as well. Again, tons of excuses. His golden excuse is “I’m busy”. But then he keeps telling me he loves me, he cares for me, I’m matter and important to him. I really love him and he is my first. Could it be that he lost interest in me?

  11. This is really helpful. My boyfriend and I started with a lot of stress in our relationship. I recently said I needed a romantic date, and other things kept coming up. I met his mom for the first time when his parents stopped by, we took his dog paddle boarding. It’s not that those things aren’t wonderful, it’s just that I. Need. A. Romantic. Date. So I dug in my heels, and he had a stressful day at work, so it ended with him yelling that I was bipolar and he needed a break before I left and he went back to work.
    Since then my boyfriend has made no effort in our relationship. I think I should take a relationship break but don’t want to lose him. What should I do?

  12. We are an older couple early 60’s. I love my boyfriend, but just can’t get the feeling that he feels the same. We have been together about a year and a half, when we are together we have fun and our intimacy is great. Then, all of the sudden the bottom drops out and he is unresponsive. Text messages are very slow to respond, I don’t text him ten times a day either. Communication is not good. He gets very quiet and is hard to talk to. Then we usually get in an argument and sometimes we break off for about a week. Then we start texting, he seems fine again and things are good and a month or so later it happens again. I have no idea what this is all about, but the roller coaster needs to stop, it’s too hard for me to deal with. He does have some medical issues, but seems to be taking care of most of them, he also says he does suffer from depression and I am wondering if this is what is happening. I don’t want to give this up if there is an underlying issue that we can resolve, but I can’t put my finger on it.

    1. Paula an emotional rollercoaster is an emotional roller coaster. Someone needs to get off if it can’t be discussed and decisions made together to improve what doesn’t work for one or the other. If we can’t COMMUNICATE with our guys– needs to be worked on by both parties. More than likely you will both have to work on this throughout your relationship and adjusting as the relaitonship adjusts and GROWS. As well BALANCE is a VERY hard thing for men I have learned. BUT both have to put in the work and if it’s not happening “the work” — then it’s not happening and we are settling.
      58 here and it was “us” as the major priority for 3 solid yrs.. and now in our 4th yr. … it has changed. BALANCE comes easier for women vs. men– but does not mean we have to settle. You should never settle. COMPROMISE but just be sure it’s not all on your side. Be happy with you. For within us we can make changes we want– the rest will come. WIth or without them.

  13. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now and I just don’t know how to feel about things. He’s everything you’d want in a guy except for the fact that he’s not romantic at all, sometimes I feel like he puts no effort into anything. This is hard for me because I’ve always been a helpless romantic, and I’m always doing little cute things for him, not because I expect it in return but because I genuinely want to. And that’s what messes with me a lot…why doesn’t he want to do the same for me. Why doesn’t he ever randomly surprise me, try to plan out dates, put a lot of thought into gifts, etc. I know it sounds like I’m materialistic but I’m not, I just want effort. He always tells me that he loves me and always talks about the future seriously, but honestly it just feels like I just have to take his word for it. I don’t know if I’m being dramatic but it’s just hard sometimes when you feel like you love someone more than they love you. This is the only problem in our relationship, the lack of effort. We have amazing communication, we text all day everyday, see each other at least 1-2 days a week, we don’t argue much, our sex life is great…Maybe it’s just because this is my only problem that it feels like a big deal? I just see so many girls that have boyfriends who do so much to keep them happy, it just feels like my boyfriend stopped trying. And I know it’s not healthy to compare your relationships to others but I’d be lying if I said I never wish my relationship was more like others. I don’t know, I hope someone out there can relate or help with how I feel. For now, this venting helped me a bit.

    1. Wow girl as I’m reading this I can’t believe I didn’t write it lol. This is exactly me, I always feel “stupid” for caring more, it’s like the bane of my existence. And its so confusing because we do get along on every other front like we laugh and have so much fun when we hangout and talk a couple times everyday, but I tell him I like small silly gifts every now and then, and just anything thats like ‘hey this made me think of you’ but he still doesn’t seem to get it. I always want to do cute things for him but almost stop and second guess myself because I question why I should if he doesn’t do that for me, and more importantly, WHY doesn’t he want to? I wish I had answers for you girl, but I’m very much in the same boat, hope we can figure something out, hang in there!

  14. My 30th birthday was two days ago. My boyfriend of three years got me a card. That’s it. No present. Nothing. My friends have been pulling their hair out trying to get him to help them plan my party and he ignores their texts. Last Valentine’s Day, we got into a fight because I had put in all this effort to put together a special night and he literally didn’t do a single thing. One would think he would have learned his lesson and did something special this year. I had sent him links to little trinkets and gifts. Even sent follow up “warnings” and he still didn’t do anything this Valentine’s Day. I also pay all the bills, budgeting, grocery shopping. When we talked about moving in together I did it all. I found the place, set up the lease. He just had to show up with his stuff. I’m at a loss. He says he loves me but he just doesn’t act like it.

  15. My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year. At first, he was working, seeing his daughter, making me coffee in the morning, starting my car for me, doing dishes, and laundry and now ten months in, he lost his job, and I have no idea if he’s looking for a job. Every time I ask, he gets upset, and starts an argument, so why do I bother? He doesn’t do laundry, dishes, cook or clean. He barely showers and I’m afraid he barely feeds my son when I’m away at work. All he does is playing fucking video games all day and night. He can’t see his daughter now because his crazy ex wife won’t let him. Then he complains when I don’t cook dinner after working 10 hours a day, I work four-10 hour days, and says all I know how to cook is chicken, which I’m a great cook, he is just too lazy to do anything what so ever. Now, anytime I ask him to do laundry he throws a temper tantrum like a toddler, banging shit around, and still doesn’t do the simple task I asked him to do. It’s frustrating because since he won’t do anything around the house, I have to pick up the extra work because I don’t want our house to look or smell like a garbage can. This past week, I got strep throat and was miserable, so I didn’t do anything, and since I got antibiotics, I’ve been feeling better, but I’m debating on doing anything to show him how much I do and how little he does. I’m just about done with him. It’s just hard because he watches my son while I’m at work and my sons dad is working out of town for a month on and a week off. And I hardly have any money since I am paying for literally everything. I don’t have any family where I live to help out. Thanks for letting me vent gals.

    1. Misery loves company, I guess, because I am so damn happy to know that someone else is suffering the same as me and now I don’t feel just so alone. Thank you for what you said because not only do I relate to the emotional and psychological effects, I relate to the not wanting your house to look or smell like a GARBAGE CAN!!!! I cleaned his puke and poop from damn near halfway up our bathroom walls from when he got e.coli a few weeks ago, but we have a housing inspection on the 28th and my house looks like a storage unit and it’s filthy! I’m so tired picking up after someone that can’t even lift a finger to help me clean the mess he made. Thank you so much for what you said!

  16. Hey so I’ve been in a relationship for about 2 years now. I’m in college and so is he. When we first started dating I personally felt like he put so much effort into me and the relationship. Around my birthday time I started to notice that his effort was there mentally and physically. We went on a trip. Which I practically felt alone and excited to do things by myself

    Not only that sexual favors have been one sided for a long time now. I am always will to do anything however since I love notice it was only me doing it I’ve been reluctant. He always gives excuses such as I just ate and no matter what I still put my pride aside and do it for him.

    He has recently been stressed about getting into grad school and got denied for his first two school. However he has an interview for one. I still feel like he is lacking in effort in me and the relationship. I don’t know what to do. There is a possibility we won’t be together if he gets accepted into grad school because it’s in another state. But I just feel unwanted and that all I do for him is in vain.

  17. It’s Valentine’s Day , I been with my boyfriend for 6 months. He’s a good man but not romantic, lately I been feeling like I been putting in all the work & carrying the relationship. I been paying for everything(food,gas,food, weed). It’s so annoying because I’m a feminist but I just want to feel secure. He makes money but spends his money on the wrong thing.

    We’ve been arguing a lot because I just feel unappreciated, I just want flowers & thoughtfulness like I do for him. I don’t do things just to expect it in return but you just want reassurance that you’re appreciated. I been communicating with him about his lack of effort , no improvement.

    Not just that, sexually as well. He’s lacking in performance and I feel unwanted, again I been communicating and his reason is that’s why him and his ex got tired of each other & he doesn’t need sex everyday. I get everyday but we go like 3 weeks to a month to once a month. I’m 22 & he’s 25 , why aren’t we fucking like rabbits?

    Still I love him..

    It’s Valentine’s Day and this is the only holiday or day in general I care about. He only got me a children’s bear . I appreciated it still but it was all cheap and last minute, again lack of effort.

    I just don’t feel like he loves me , why am I with him & what is he not getting ?

    I bought so much things to do for his birthday . He’s talking about going to a rave and doing drugs and asked me to go.Tbh I just think he wants me to pay for everything. I don’t want to decorate his car or buy him that cake. What’s the point ? Again I’m the only one putting in effort. He’s going to party for his birthday but couldn’t do anything special for me today, especially after everything I do for him. Recently I even paid half of his carnote because he didn’t have the money until next week & I couldn’t get my hair or nails done.

    I sacrifice so much for him & he doesn’t even show it. He says sometimes he appreciates me but words mean nothing, actions do. I just feel stupid and I kinda want to give up on him.

    It’s more to the story but I just want to vent that.,

    1. hey girl wake up,do you want to spend the rest of your life living like that?
      And are you willing to invest more years/months than to call it off now?

      Rather call it quit now and learn to live without him as soon as possible because you are in a loveless relationship.

      Don’t turn a blind eye on things that are sign showing and you are not happy for them. i just dump my 2mnths loveless relationship before it gets deeper

  18. My name is leonna and I have been seeing this amazing guy for 3 months now. He is perfect to me but like anyone else comes with problems. He had PTSD, bi polar disorder and anxiety. But still he’s everything I want and need. He has made me grow in ways I’ve never imagined. He has made me realize a lot of my flaws and made me seek my inner self to understand why I am the way I am. He has not made me do any of this. I simply did it because I knew I wasn’t perfect and I wanted to become the women I needed to be for him. He’s shows effort but due to my insecurities I overthink when I stop seeing the efforts and assume the worst. He has told me over and over that I need to stop. And I would listen but then my insecurities would come back and we’re back to where we started. He would become distant and i would feel left alone and hurt by it. It’s selfish to me but maybe it really isn’t. Maybe I just need to not be so dependent and work on myself. Because honestly when I do he always comes back around. Even when I have my moments he still comes back around. I just lack security in myself that I need to fill. I’ve always looked for someone else to fill that void for me. But it’s not ones job to fix me. I have to fix myself and that’s the problem with people now adays. We look for people to fill our emptiness and when they aren’t meeting the standards we become emotionally unstable. Men go through depression, hurt and sorrow just like us women do. Men just are good at keeping it closed up. You have to be willing to become selfless. But have to understand yourself mentality first because if not you will lose yourself in the process. Find yourself then get to understand your mate emotionally and mentally. Doing this you will find out more about yourself. Things you never even thought of knowing. It takes a lot of patience and time. If you really love him and see potential in the relationship then give it a try. But you have to become selfless. You have to be more understanding. And think about the other person not just about yourself. Good luck!

  19. I’ve been with my mate for 8 years prior to dating we were band mates .I knew him to be extremely introverted and not the happy go lucky type but I honestly had no idea it would be like pulling a tooth without novocaine to get any emotional response, support or growth,out of him!I feel stunted and see my life ever changing and evolving yet his ,the same .He has taken on many of my attributes oddly ,yet I feel, I’ve gained nothing in return. I feel it has been one sided in many ways and all he has given me is monetary odds and ends to compensate for the lack of emotional effort on his part. I realize ,I’m no cup of tea at times either but I never lied, cheated or left him in the dark .I feel incredibly cheated by the amount of time I spent culturing and cultivating a better life for him so that he may go impress someone else because of what I had endured dealing with his crumbs of affection why is it with men it’s all up your ass or nothing at all where is the balanced gentleman I so crave ?

  20. My fiance and I have been together for a year.. when we first got together he was so happy and kind to me.. but then there was all this stuff from his job getting him stressed out ..and bills, and family, and I’m not sure what else..his last job he had a manager that spoke so poorly towards him and the other employees plus the customers. Always cussed them out and called them names, and he works a whole day.. we are now behind on bills , our electric is over 300$ , our wifi is 170+$, we have another wifi bill from another company thats 200+$, and hes had multiple concussions and a broken hip from hockey a long time ago.. Hes become so inward that I have to question him daily and it hurts..

  21. I feel like my boyfriend of 5 years doesn’t really care anymore. I asked him if he could pick me up some tea from the shop as I was unwell. He just replied by saying he didn’t have any money. I would have send him through money to pay for the tea, it’s annoying tho that I know he went out that night and bought all his workmates drinks.
    He also said he wouldn’t be going into the shop that sold the tea I needed. 😞

    1. Where I’m at in my life, after 5 years, if I’m not a fiancé, I’m gone. That will show me he doesn’t plan on committing for the long haul. I’m right there with you though, I feel the same way about my bf of 2 years. Like, if they aren’t happy anymore, why not tell us so we can move on? Why waste both our times.

  22. Hello everyone, i have a story to share! My boyfriend and I both 21 have been dating for almost 3 years and for almost 2 years he has been serving the military back home with only weekends to spare and while I am in Canada studying for almost a year. In the beginning, I used to be very demanding and unreasonable towards my boyfriend when he didn’t meet my expectations and basically caused him to withdraw emotionally and he stopped trying. I guess subconsciously I acted that way because he’s quite lazy and I didn’t want to cut him any slack in fear that he would put in less effort to maintain the long distance. (this actually backfired) and caused huge tension and we nearly broke up several times, but when i tried to give him “more space” to understand his situation, my worst fears came true because we started talking less and less. We started with skyping during weekends, to calling sometimes to texting only and recently we’ve stopped texting as often. He would always build my hopes up before we call and end up forgetting or when he calls, he’s either that he’s going to bed or do so while playing his games throughout the call and not pay attention even when i have something to share which hurt my feelings. Also, when we have problems he’ll shut me out and not talk about it anymore. I’ve changed from an angry tone to a more assertive one but even if we sort them out, he’d revert back to his old habits and i’ll start pointing fingers and he shuts it out again and eventually we stop talking about it altogether. Unlike me, he’s understanding and loyal (my family loves him) but his situation is really difficult but i’m getting tired of being the only one that tries to make this work by always initiating stuff. I have huge expectations but I’ve accepted that he’s not the guy that throw big surprises and continue to fear that the more I lower my expectations, the more he thinks i’m willing to settle for less even after his military is over. But he tells me that he wants to get married even i’m being a total b*tch. I’m so confused by the things he thinks, says and does. Is he telling me things just to shut me up or does he blurt things out impulsively. That being said, I’ve grown up a lot in during our relationship which is my first and it means a lot to me and i will definitely regret our breakup. I guess what i’m really confused about is, Is he really just being comfortable or is he thinking that i would never leave him ( he knows) so it dosen’t matter how he treats me or how much effort he puts in? Please help me 🙁

    1. I have the same situation we’ve been dating for a year and 3 months and it’s the exact same way idky doe .😖pretty much hurts and also my first

    2. I’m in a similar situation. We’ve been together for almost 3 years and I’ve stuck out the lack of attention for about a year and it really hurt. I realised he’s never going to change, no matter how many times I’ve brought it up. I’ve even used different approaches, including positive reinforcement. I may be demanding at times but I definitely know I deserve more than the effort he’s willing to put in. I’m still not brave enough to leave him though 🙁 he was my first long term and I’ve had the best time of my life with him. He has some really great qualities and some sh**y ones.

  23. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for four years. We actually ended up breaking up and I tried to distance myself. I felt neglected and like he stopped trying in our relationship. I tried to talk to him about it multiple times, every time he would apologize and say he would be better, but he always fell back in the same routine. Wanting me to be available for him. I was dipping into my bucket to bring him up but I wasn’t getting anything in return. Recently we spoke after time a part and he said he’d really change. Here we are stuck in the same pattern, he is hot and heavy in our relationship one month, then goes cold out of nowhere. Things had been going really well during the time we decided to get back together and I thought things were really different. Yet around the holidays, he has completely dropped off the radar and is barely giving me more than a one word text response back. After being ignored all week he told me he was going on a boys trip, except he failed to mention he was already on the road out of town. He didn’t even make an effort to see me or plan anything the week before he went out of town. Fast forward to after the trip, he rolled back into town and expected me to be completely free for him to come over to loaf around my apartment. It made me sad, I didn’t even hear from him all weekend and then he tells me he misses me. I already had plans and I put a hold on being too available. I thought he’d at least try to make a plan. Monday rolls around, nothing. It’s now Tuesday, nothing. He texts me that his out with his friends and he’s drunk. He tells me I could come over to his family’s Thanksgiving, but only after everyone has left and only for leftovers (aka forgo my Thanksgiving dinner with my family and eat reheated sides). I tried to tell him how rude that was and he didn’t understand where I was coming from and proceeded to tell me I was making a big deal about it. We got in a fight because I said I was upset because he hadn’t made time for me in the last week. He tells me he is going to bed and we will talk about tomorrow. Then rock bottom hits, I ended up having to go to urgent care bc of an allergic reaction to a flu shot I had gotten. I was in so much pain and he couldn’t even come to check on me. Now it’s almost been two weeks since we’ve seen each other. I am tired of him not making a plan and his sudden switch in personalities.

  24. I have been dating my BF for 7 months now. I’m 53, he is 51. Were both divorced. His was 9 years ago but he is still very bitter. He has joint custody of his 17 yr old daughter and about 2 months ago he found out that her stepdad had been engaging in sexual activity with her. The man is now in jail. My BF is of course devastated and angry. His mother is mentally ill and they are recently estranged. This has all happened within the last 3 months. Its been since then that the dating pattern of our relationship has declined significantly. He hasnt asked me out or made an effort to spend anytime with me for 4 weekends in a row. Each weekend he has been helping his DJ friend ( his BFF), or going out with best buddies. He sends me photos while he is out with them. He texts me every morning and night and we often text during the day. I always let him initiate texting. He doesnt seem to like me being around on the weekends when he has his daughter. Last week he finally invited me over to his house after not seeing him for almost two weeks when he had his daughter. He foes sweet thoughtfulthings when I come over yo see him. He also gave his daughter my phone number so she could text me as she wasnt feeling well. His daughter really likes me. We are doing thanksgiving together. He goes out at night with his friends when his daughter is staying with him, but uses her presence as a reason not to spend time with me, yet he is happy to do Thanksgiving together.
    This is all so contradictory and I’m confused about our relationship. I feel like he is not making me a priority in his life. He has never introduced me to his father. I have met and gone out with his friends.
    I want to tell him that having me over for take out and to spend the night is not enough. I feel like I & this relationship deserve more.
    I dont want to push him away. I do want to believe it’s because of all his family issues that all this is happening but I am well known for making excuses for boyfriends when things arent right.
    I dont want to push, I do want to give him space, but too much of that then leaves me feeling like I am not showing him my standards so then why should he value me.
    Do you have an suggestions on what I should do?

  25. Hello Laurie, thank you for writing the article. It helped me calm down. I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and we´ve known each other for 10 years. So, I believe I know him very well. One day he suddenly started to show interest and after a couple of months we started dating becaus I have always kinda liked him. The first date was half a year into our relationship at an Italian restaurant. Before that we´ve only met to chat, watch a movie or take a walk. But we were young and didn´t need fancy dates. Getting older I desired to go on dates more and more. Although we´ve talked about it many times and although I told him I wanted to go out once a month, he doesn´t initiate. He tried and invited me to a restaurant 2 times but that has stopped as well now. It is always me who looks up special events to go to like Gamevention (cause he likes video games), new Indian restaurants (cause he likes spicy food), or initiates going for a walk. I am really sad about it, because I know we love each other, but this relationship as it is doesn´t satisfy me. I would like him to make effort, look up someplace I´d like and invite me to go. Is it too much to expect from a boyfriend to ask out his girlfriend one a month?

  26. My boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up recently, but within a few days, he decided he wanted to get back together to work things out. He has never been one to open up about problems he has with himself or our relationship. He said the reason we broke up was because of different love languages, arguing, and that he was not as emotionally available as I need him to be. Although he did not tell me this beforehand, we have been trying to work on these issues and improve our relationship. Well, a few weeks have gone by and the love languages and arguing and overall communication has been better. But, he still seems emotionally unavailable in that he doesn’t know how to express his feelings for me, or reassure me. He doesn’t know WHY he can’t put in the effort that he wants to put in. He says he feels out of touch with his emotions, and he doesn’t know how to think or handle them. He doesn’t know how to express himself anymore. For the first year or two with him, I never had any problems with needing reassurance and words of affirmation from him because he always did it so well. This past year has been a struggle, and I don’t know what it means. He has been going through a lot, with an unsupportive family, a broken ankle, financial troubles, depression…but I have been steady and I have been supportive…I have loved him so well. Why can’t he put in the effort? is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

  27. 2 years ago I started dating this guy and I knew then with him about a year and a 1/2 ago he made it clear that he still loves his ex wife but due to my health circumstances I had no choice but to move in I had nowhere else to go for me and my kids. Now he won’t go anywhere with me he won’t touch me in front of anyone we don’t do anything and he refuses to do anything fun the only thing we do is work he don’t go to the kids is events or anything but it is X need something he’ll drop everything And do it. Not just his X But his friends to and the kids. Always come lastAnd it’sbreaking My heartthat I don’t know what to do Financially I’m not able to move And my son doesn’t want to Any advice?

  28. My boyfriend and I started a relationship 3 months ago. He is separated with 4 kids and a selfish demanding ex wife who took everything she could from him while they were together. He spoiled her before they had kids then stopped completely as the kids needed his resources. (Probably why she fell in love with another man) now it’s like he is determined for me to not become selfish. So he does nothing. I visit him at work a couple nights a week and bring him dinner as he works second shift. I go to his house on Sundays and help with his kids. I buy him presents, I shower him with so much love. I even dressed like a naughty teacher when we had sex. Anything and Everything in hopes he would think maybe he should do the same. But no. No dates, no presents, no initiating anything or trying to make me feel special. He bought her a Mothers Day card. It shouldn’t have bothered me except the fact he didn’t get me one. He didn’t get me anything. I asked him to spend Memorial Day with me shocker he forgot and made other plans. He said I did agree to go to the park this weekend. Well today came and guess who backed out of the park?? Ugh. When we are together he is so sweet and wonderful. He loves me and I love him. I just want to feel special!! I’ve talked to him about it twice to no avail. I just don’t know what to do.

  29. Hi im kushi, 25yrs old.. My boyfriend and I have been in our relationship for 3yrs now.. This is my first affair and his 2nd. We were really happy and things happended so good. But one day accidently I saw that his facebook conversation with a girl. I got so angry and disappointed after that. Actually they havnt shared any sexual pictures or that was not very sexual conversation. (he was asked from her what are u doing, when she replied studying, he texted shall i come to study with u, and she replied there are my friends at my room, and he replied its matter i ll come) But anyway after i saw it i lost my trust on him. And i couldn’t forget it. I talk about this with him. And i blamed him roudly.. And he promised me that his intention was nit to cheat me and said sorry. And so on. I truely love him i said i ll forgive. But i couldnt regain my trust for him again. This all happended 1 1/2yrs back.. From that day on, several times we discussed this. Because i often say this to him when i get angry. He is not often visit to me. And we rarly go outing..but i wanted to be spend my time with him. Even after arising that issue betwn us, he didnt make any efforrs to regain my trust for him. When i and my parents call him to come home(as our culture) he dont bother about him.. That was another thing to disappoint me more. And im as asian girl. I reslect to my culture. Living togeter or having sex before marriage is not accepted in my family and i also iddnt want to do that. But he want to intimate with me. He say that he dosnt want to sex with me. But he appriciate my participation in some kind of sexul things. He dosnt wnt to sex i know that well. When he wants to intimate with me i have told him severl times i do not trust you,because i couldnt forget that incident. And also i didnt want to behave with him like that.but i loved him so much and i did every thing i can di for him. But he say he is not in happy… After this all, at some point he started to chnge himself. Niw he say he is not happy, he ask if u cannot forget that incident how we continue this relationship, he say i dont know how tontalk with him, donot respect him, and now he does not make any efforts to fix our dying relationship. But i want to fix this again. Please tell me whatbi should do. Now i think ill do my best to be nice to him for some time and if he doesn’t change i leave him.. Is it ok for wait and see for his cahnge? Im ready to forget everything he did to me and start to trust him.. Wht are the things i can do to bring back trust, spark, and energy to our relationship… Please help me.. Thnk u so much.

  30. I am 20 years old, and I’ve been on and off with my boyfriend since we were both 13. He really hurt me in the past (when we weren’t together) regarding other girls but he’s never actually done anything when we’ve been going out. As of now, we have been back together in a relationship for about a year and a half. I love him so so much and I LOVE spending time with him. However, he has never been one to put in huge amounts of effort. I’m always the one asking him to do something, I’m always planning my work schedules around his and swapping shifts etc… I just feel like it’s so one sided sometimes. We both still live at home and even tho he’s nearly 21, his parents still have some control over him, he doesn’t talk back to them and they’re weird about him staying in my house and doing stuff with me (sometimes not all the time!) so I do have to take that into account, and when his parents go away for the summer it’s wayyyy easier to spend more time with him, he becomes so laid back. But I’ve just always felt like im not one of his priorities. He loves the gym and usually chooses that over me, hanging out with his friends etc… but then when we do actually spend time together he’s all over me and appreciates me so much and makes me feel amazing. He just doesn’t make an effort to ask me to do things. We never do anything spontaneous or fun, and I’m the type of person who loves that stuff. We just hang out in my house. When we’re on nights out and there’s drink involved, he has a habit of literally disappearing for the whole day (with other people he knows that aren’t in my circle) and he doesn’t contact me, when I try to contact him he usually does answer but after talking to him I never see any sign of him. He doesn’t check up on me to see if I’m okay or if I get home okay, and it just hurts me that he never wants to spend time with me when we’re out drinking with our friends? I love drinking with him and having a laugh but he doesn’t seem to feel the same. Lastly, he is obsessed with social media. He loves Instagram and has a fitness page, and is constantly posting pics on it and putting up stories of his everyday life…. but he never ever ever takes any pictures of me to show me off. I know that may seem shallow of me to care about social media that much, but it’s only because he posts every aspect of his life online and there’s never anything about me? It just makes me feel so not good enough for him. Every time I try to tell him how i feel about him not making an effort in general and on nights out, and social media etc, he usually gets angry/annoyed and makes me feel so bad. When I try to talk to him about my feelings he never ever knows how to react and just completely closes off from me. The crazy thing about all this is that even tho I’m the one craving attention and love and effort in the relationship, he actually relies on me a lot. I help him with college work a lot, and he often expresses to me how he feels so much calmer and relaxed when we’re together (which is true because his mood just completely changes and he’s always so happy). Also, the hard thing is, we’re in the same college course. We’re both going to France in September as part of college and we’re going to different parts of France. I really think this will be a good thing for us because I’ll be able to have my own independence and maybe make him see that I can be happy without him (even tho as of right now we are planning on staying together and commuting to each other when we can). Most people reading this right now are probably thinking oh my god you’re so young and u have so much time! Which I know I do and I’ve thought about sooooo much, but my problem is is that I actually can’t imagine my life without him, he’s been in it so deeply since we were 13/14 and I love him so much…. I would appreciate any advice!

  31. My fiance, my 12 year old son, and i have been living together a second time(in his house). We live in one of the coolest states in the world, Orlando Fl. Since me and my son have been here, which is almost a year, my boyfriend has initiated sex ONE TIME, taken me out somewhere other than the GROCERY STORE, ZERO TIMES, wether its out to dinner, out for drinks, or ANYTHING. Any time i initiate sex, he either stiffens up, doenst move or lets out an exasperated sigh. He knows im going to have sex with him if he initiates it because im 36 years old and NEVER EVER EVER have sex. I so desperately want a date once in a while wether its once a month so we can enjoy each other and so i can feel like hes doing something special with me AND so i wont go crazy spending every moment in the HOUSE. That also means i cant get a job either. I dont want a father figure, i want a man that i love to show love to me. So, literally, he gives me a quick peck before he goes to work and at least TELLS me he loves me. Thats it.. theres nothing more than that. If hes not at work, hes in his reclyner n thats where he stays n doesnt get up unless he has to pee. I am sad, let down, depressed, jealous of every woman out there, sexually frustrated beyond comprehension. Oh n did i mention that i literally have NOWHERE ELSE TO GO? And cant make money, i have no car! I really need an outlet!

  32. Hi. Been with my a few years. He was all amazing.. first few months showered me with flowers and gifts then slowly I started to see his true colours. His temper and his childish attitude and how he has to be right all the time. The effort went after a few months to me doing it all. He still lives with his mum at almost 30. He has his mum doing everything for him. I’m a mum of one and I feel if we move in he will leave it all to me. He stays at my house an won’t clean a dish or pick up his trash off my floor. He won’t text me all day till I text him. He only tells me he loves me on text hardly to my face until I say it first. I leave him love notes and make him dinner all the time and he doesn’t match my effort. I feel its all one sided. He comes to stay here but that’s it really…. I feel like my house is just a hotel and he pays his family for meals but doesn’t give me a dime. Feel like I am too grown for him. I love him but I’m not fully happy with all this lazy effort 😔. I cant meet anyone else because everyone else doesn’t want to be in relationships just sex or they are talking to other girls. Any thoughts ppl?

    1. Hi Looloo,
      My partner is the same. It’s amazing how identical to yours he is. It’s really hurtful to live with, and it really makes me feel unappreciated and un loved. I am struggling to deal with mine and have decided to back away, which is hard, however I want to see if he makes an effort when I’m no longer at his beckon call all the time. It’s really hard, but I’m trying. I guess in the end we need to decide if he’s worth all this heartache. I don’t know how much longer I can go with it. Xx Be strong. Xx

      1. When I ask what’s wrong my boyfriend bites my head off, shouts at me, tells me I’m just trying to cause trouble when I’m totally calm and just asking a question. Like by shouting I’m gonna get scared or intimated. Why should women do all the work no they shouldnt it should be a mutual thing. It can make you feel insecure like there’s something wrong with you. So yes hun step back cause I think we are doing too much. Let’s see what’s they do.

    2. Hey babe! My boyfriend is exactly the same and I’ve been relating so much to what you’ve said in your post! I live in London and met him just outside the city and we’ve been together 5 years this summer but we are currently having ZERO sex – he texts me NEVER and calls me NEVER! So any advice for me would be great! You’re not alone my girl xxx

  33. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2yrs now, everything was all good until the beginning of 2019,he started to distance himself from me, one day I received a text message from a strange number asking me if I know my boyfriend and if we are dating, I was calm and honest when I answered the text, I went to whatsapp and checked the number out and I saw the photo, it was a lady texting me, I asked her who she was and she said she was just a friend to my guy and she noticed that lately my guy has been stressed and she thought it was a lady stressing her, that’s why she snooped on his phone and got my number, all this time I remained calm, thee following day I decided to go to my boyfriend house without informing him, it was around 10pm, I met with the same lady their, my guy was not around, I got inside the house and the lady went straight to sit at the bed while I was sitting at the chair, I couldn’t wait any longer I went home, I couldn’t get in touch with the guy on phone, his phone was off, the following day this same lady called me at around 7pm telling me that my boyfriend is sick, I went to his house and I found the lady with my guy sitting on the bed very close, I was still calm I said hi and I sat on the chair, this lady excused herself and left me with my guy, I asked him who was the lady and he told me that his best friend was dating Herr so they are just good friends, we spoke and everything was good, the following day in the morning this lady text me and tells me why I came to break that guy’s heart, the guy told the lady that I had come to break up with him, that I told him I found another man, I never said anything like that, why was my guy lying? And making me look like a beast, I spoke with that lady and she felt bad for the text she send me, she even offered to take me out, I agreed to that, she was telling me how his boyfriend has been suspecting the two of them, how his boyfriend has been mistreating Herr and my guy has been always their for her, I believed everything she was telling me, I was still angry with my guy because he lied, one Sunday I received a call from my boyfriend’s friend, he told me that my guy has been having an affair with his girlfriend from January, he even showed me some photos, my guy and that lady were kissing, even he bought flowers for her on valentines day, I couldn’t believe that the guy I’ve known for 2yrs can do that to me, after the news I went to my guy’s house at 9pm, guess what? The lady was there, I was so angry, I wanted to punch her for lying tto me, but my guy was protecting her, he was even telling me to live his house, he humiliated me in front of her, he came last week to my place and tried explaining things, he even spent the night at my house, I feel so stupid, because he is not putting any effort to fix things between us, I feel so stupid for letting him spent the night in my house, why do I still love him even after he has clearly heart broken me, will I ever move from this nightmare? Do I deserve this? He betrayed his best friend, he betrayed the woman that has been loving him…

  34. We’ve been together for 5 years. I’m an emotional person but I always try to talk and let him know I’m upset so that he knows not to act a certain way. But he never tells me how he feels when I ask. He expressed his anger in silence. But loves to act as if what I’m saying isn’t logical. And I get it, he’s never been through the same things but I expect that. I just don’t understand why he refuses to accept how I feel.

    He just plays it off as nothing serious unless I’m breaking down crying. But I just don’t have enough energy to even cry sometimes.
    Right now he’s not even talking to me. And he knows that I’m on the edge of being homeless and I know there’s not much he can do. We’re both still full time students living at home. But all I want from him is a simple hug.
    As he knows that everyone has me do everything for everyone. I can’t say no because if I do I feel like I’m being lazy and letting them down, plus they get mad at me for saying no. I want to give myself time to breath but when I do, again I feel lazy and like I’m doing nothing with my life. I feel stuck, tired and so vary heavy like every step I take is being pulled back by large bricks as everyone else passes by at a much faster rate.

    I suppose it’s not at all about him but when I have time to think, my mind goes to him. I question why after knowing what he knows, he won’t even try to talk to me. He just argues about small and insignificant things such as a goodnight call or text.

    I’ve thought of letting him go because he’s not what I want in a relationship, but he’s the only one in this world that knows every single thing that’s been in my head…. Yet never once he’s let me in…. It’s hard to let go, especially when all I want is to feel his warmth.

  35. My boyfriend and I have been living together for 8 years and have three kids together. My youngest is a 1 month and when she was about two weeks old he met this girl on a bar while hanging out with his best friend and got her number. He started texting her about how a great time they had and flirting with her. I was so upset and sad to know he did that, specially after just having a baby. We have had problems in the past about him flirting with girls on social media but never that I’ve known for him to actually meet someone and get their number and asking her out. I finally thought things were getting so much better for both of us. He apologized but I was just so hurt. I give it some days to really think what I wanted to do and I decided I wanted to work it out so I talked to him and expressed how I felt and ask what made him want to do this. He said that he knows he loves me but that he felt like I don’t care for him. I didn’t really understand why he said that when I been there since day one and still been here but I wanted to also considered how he felt and change that. So we decided to give it a try. So I stated being more involved in his hubbies then usual and listening. He did seem to be more engaged but yet no affection towards me. He hasn’t showed any affection towards me since that incident and makes me feel he doesn’t care to make me feel like I’m the only one. But when it comes to his business he always asks for my help and I’m always putting things aside to help him. Sometimes he will notice mistakes I make on the work but not notice how much I need his affection. This makes me feel like he just needs me to help him with work. I’ve put my career aside to help him build his business. He does spend time with us and financially he is very supportive which I’m great full for. It’s hard for me to let go and try when he is not trying enough and only notices the negative things. I’m a stay home mom right now but still help my BF with reports, programs etc for work. I’m planning to attend grad school this coming August and I haven’t manage to get all my stuff in yet because I’m busy with my kiddos, house chores and helping him with work. I try to help him to make it easier for him since I know he has a lot on his plate but he doesn’t seem to notice that. I’m not sure what to think or do. I really love him and care for him. Any advice is well appreciated.

  36. My boyfriend and I have been together over 3 years. We have an 18 year age gap. He’s never been married no kids etc. we’ve lived together over 2 years now. The last year and half has been a struggle just one thing after the other. The life situations just put our relationship to the side. I’m a very physical touch/ Quality time person. My boyfriend is a gifts/ Provider type of love which is always been difficult and I try to be super vocal about the ways I feel loved. Recently life has been on the up and positive but I feel our relationship hasn’t grown or been a focus. He works constantly and I’m a stay at home dog mom (Recently we’ve been wanting kids). I feel lonely and he NEVER wants to go out or do anything. It’s always laying on the couch watching TV. And mind you the beginning of relationship we always traveled and did things together. Even on weekends he’s working and most days he can’t even have dinner at home with me bc his other entrepreneur jobs are calling. I just don’t know what to do. He says he works so hard for me or us so we can have the things we want in life and I’m so grateful but money isn’t everything. I want to be with him but I’m also scared that I’m wasting my young years and wake up one day regretting not leaving bc he isn’t going to change how he is for me or at least try for me

  37. they say love is sweeter than the second time arounnd, probably to some but not on me… l met my boyfriebd wayback in highschool .. I’m so gullible that time that I gave him everything I had. But things went roughed to both of us.. He cheated on me and the worst part is that he left like me a cigarette butt. After he left me, my life became miserable.. I begun to be desperated just to win him back but he’s tough enough to avoid me and forget everything we had. it took me years before I finally moved on. I met other guys got into relationships but didnt work. years later, i went to my facebook to unblock some people in my list, including him. surprisely right after I unblocked him he sent me a message saying hi and how’s life? yes, I did reply. from there we started to be friend. funny and stupid for I was foolish to be trapped with his flowering words. to think I was already 32 years old still got fooled by a man. months later of constant chats and calls… he then confessed that he still love me and he was sorry for what happened in the past. He even had a heartbreaking confession that he has been going through the years. he’s sick and there’s no cure. dont know if you guys familliar with Myasthenia gravis.. it’s an auto immune decease which makes your muscle gets weak. and he even told me that her wife cheated on him. he said it’s his karma for leaving me behind. but i told him nah! i cried a lot i asked myself will i love him back after knowing everything. but again i was stupid and foolish.. i was so considerate to him that i believed that things will be different this time. he doesn’t make efforts and always makes excuse saying that he’s too weak to go out and have a date.whenever we see each other we only stay at his room. it was boring and dull. i felt unhappy with it.. i wanted to give up but i feel like im the only one who can understand him and love him uncondtionally. and that is why up to now i’m still here with him despite the unhappiness. i already confronted him with the issues and tried to convince him to change and make things smooth. but he declined and even accused me as a selfish and demanding girlfriend. but in the reality im not. i’ve been always the understanding one. to tell you honestly, im the one who makes effort for us to be together because he lives far away from me and i understand his conditon that he cant travel far.. im not a demanding partner all i want is for him to make little efforts to make me feel special and loved. but up to now he doesnt understand what im pointing out and still refuses to make even small efforts. it breaks my heart that despite all my efforts still i been judged as a selfish gf. im still inlove with him up to now but i feel so tired understanding him and i’ve been unhappy throughtout the relationship. please give me an advice. should i stay or let go?

    ps. forgive me for my wrong grammars i’m a filipina and i’m not that good in expressing myself in english

  38. He chatted me the day of valentine’s day 2019. We’ve knwon each other since high school because my bestfriend has relationship with him. I have 2 kids and he has 1(i’m 22 he’s turning 23). We’re both not yet married with our partners since both of our relationship with our partners is not okay. The day he chatted he just really want a date for that day and as we go along he confess to me that he has a crush on me since 6th grade and told me he really want to have relationship with me in high school but didn’t make it because he think of me highly that he is afraid he gets dump by me so the ending he courted my bestfriend.
    Days have past he ask to have sex with me I really like him and agreed to have just a fun sex. After that he chatted me that he’s sorry he didn’t give the money and I said i’m not accepting money for sex. And then he apologize to me and said he just feel pitty of me. I’m so embarassed and devastated plus the sex he didn’t touch me but he kiss me but I understand because I only give him minutes.
    Day after, he went for work in other city and stayed there for 3months. For the past few weeks we only have time in night to chat since he’s busy for work but he always talk about sex and video chat with me to see my pussy and whenever I rejected him I don’t get a reply or he would say he’d go to sleep. Later on our conversation is dead I’m always the one who make efforts. But I understand coz he’s really busy at work. I’m just confused if he really want me he should have no excuses in having time with me. What I’m gonna do?

    P.S. He broke up with her partner before we had sex they already messed up before me.
    Sadly, he doesn’t ask questions about me, my life before. I’m always the one who always ask.
    He confess to me that he started to love in our 1 month relationship.
    He didn’t court me.
    I just badly like him and want to care of him.
    Please give me some advice pleaaaase.

    1. I know how hard it is to let go, but you can do it. You are strong. You are independent. You are going to find happiness. You are so young and still have many, many years to find a good guy. In fact, because you are so young, they will most likely find you when you least expect it. Start by letting go slowly. Don’t tell him, because he might try to manipulate you. He doesn’t reply to you, so he doesn’t deserve to know you’re going to find someone else. Just stop talking to him and stop making so much effort. The more effort you put in, the harder it will be for you to leave. There is someone else for you. Don’t settle for this. This guy is really bad for you, and you know it. Think about your dream guy, and you will find him. Start taking care of Yourself. You are worth it.

      1. Thank you for taking the time to type the words in your comment. Reading thru the comments solidifies my opinion that any woman who actually “feels”, attempts to comprehend said feelings, does her due diligence to ensure consideration for any other human being that may be identified as part of her analysis, and is able to attempt to reconcile the differences that led her to see things she could have done better is going to accept that her analysis as follows:
        She will always be in confused state of mind until she accepts that he doesn’t have to put in effort to do or say anything for her to “feel” he loves her because like all children do, the man-child she wants so badly messed up, smashed thru her boundaries he forgot the moment he sw her lips stop movinb, blamed her for being so stupid n try to set boundaries HAHA,and eventually his man-child tantrum scores him the win! she tells him SHE is sorry.
        Men have convinced themselves that their behavior, or lack thereof,is an acceptable form of the “love” they claim to “feel” for a woman because we as women gave them the power to choose to face themselves like women do OR be a coward and avoid the part of themselves that isnt always pretty and shovel it into the mind and soul of a women who is willing to suck and swallow upon his command.
        I am this woman. No, I was this woman a few times in my life and it isnt seeing a place i sakd id never go to again.
        It was coming across the needle in the haystack that you placed in a way that someone was bound to find it. Thanks for your confidence in a random stranger. I wasnt looking but I found it.

  39. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 5 years. 2 years ago, something was off in our relationship and he wasn’t making effort with me, almost at all. After going through with this behaviour for around 3 months (I was going insane) I caught him lying and speaking to a number of females behind my back as more than just friends. He begged and begged for me to forgive him, that it was mistake. Because I love him, i did. We moved forward and ever since our relationship has been better than ever. However, just before christmas time, the same things started to happen again, effort drops off. When i say effort drops off, he takes hours to reply to me despite being very active on social media and those replies are one word conversation enders, isn’t bothered about spending time with me, tells me he is busy with his family, but I will find out he’s actually with his friends, I plan days out in advance but he makes me aware he won’t be able to attend because of work…but then when the time comes round to it, he is free but is going out with his friends in advance. Recently, despite being together for 5 years, I feel like a booty call. As well as this, I makes me question if he is speaking to other females behind my back again.
    I have shared my emotions and thoughts to him, he tells me I’m over reacting, I am being silly and he is still fully interested in me. When I have tried to speak about it again, he makes me feel as if its my fault, when he doesn’t see his change in actions are making me stressed and anxious.
    Honestly,I am fully aware I do not want a relationship with someone who acts like this and makes me feel this way, but I am in love with him and our relationship is great, when he gives 100% which I can not let go of, when right now its about 10%.

  40. My boyfriend and I have been dating about 5 months we’ve known each other for quite a while in the 1st couple months was wonderful we talked a lot did stuff together laugh together he started working more and didn’t have as much time is energy but I noticed that hes working obsessive until he absolute collapses he makes no time for me he keeps saying I can’t wait till we have time again when I get these jobs done but nothing is an emergency hes not strapped financially he doesn’t have to complete these things as fast as he does
    I go to his house and sleep a lot of nights with him that’s kind of all we’re doing anymore we’re not even having sex but if I don’t sleep over he calls me and text me I miss you so much I love you so much but he won’t actually put in any effort to do anything with me I’m so confused about about it I’ve lowered my expectations again and again and hes just been just disconnected just not really even present
    It’s like he knows he has me and he can just put me on a shelf until he feels like paying attention to me again and it’s not enough for me but I love him I know he loves me I don’t know why he doesn’t get it that this relationship is gonna die if he doesn’t keep starving it

  41. I learned that my in my boyfriends past relationships he always go and pick up her girldfriend at work and wait for her without asking anything … And i feel that he puts more effort to her past relationship, but to me he will ask first “should I pick you up?” Or “would you want to go out?” , I feel like there is no initiative or he doesnt want to see me at all.

  42. So, I hate to call him my “boyfriend” because he is late 50’s and I am 47. We’ve been dating a little over a year. I don’t feel like I really know him at all. It’s a long distance relationship, we live 2 hours away from each other. We usually see each other every weekend but he normally works 6 days a week, 10 hours a day so we actually spend less than 24 hours a week with each other. Which actually does NOT suck because I was married for 24 years and I don’t miss having to make sure someone eats supper, has clean clothes, etc. We talk on the phone usually three times a day. My issue lately is, he will tell me he will come to my house on Saturday after work, then later he will call and say he has to go get his dogs and pick them up. Then he will call and say he thinks he will just wait until Sunday morning to come down, Sunday morning he says maybe that afternoon. So that irritates me as I scramble to get everything I need to get done before he gets there so I can spend time with him instead of homework or dishes or laundry. The first time I actually felt MORE irritated. I thought that would be an isolated incident but it happened again this weekend. I’m hoping this isn’t becoming a pattern. Even though he’s not there, I definitely don’t sit home pining away for him. This weekend I went to my sister’s house and watched a ball game and the next day went to a movie with a friend. Also, and I’m not materialistic by any means, he’s offered to buy me lots of things or even just give me money to help with bills. I always refuse because I want to make it on my own. That being said, on Christmas or birthdays or Valentine’s day, I expect something. Both Christmases we’ve been together he’s given me money with the excuse that he doesn’t have time to shop. Nothing on either Valentine’s Day (was REALLY pissed the first year, this year I knew I wouldn’t get anything so I didn’t get him anything either) and on my birthday, he said that he had a present for me at his house, then later said he had to order it. Then later said someone was making it. It’s been six months now and so far nothing. That bothers me because on his birthday I did get him a little something and also, called his sister to get his favorite chocolate cake and chocolate icing recipe of his mom’s who is deceased. Another thing that bothers me is he will ask me about my day or some other question, then when I answer, he switches the subject back to himself. Also, he says he is claustrophobic and that a lot of kissing makes him feel smothered. I’ve asked him to work on this and as the article says, he says he will and he does…..for about a half a day. I’m not sure how to approach any of this with him. I’ve mentioned the kissing thing to him a couple of times and so far, no real change. Another thing is when I’m at his house, I help him do things as far as remodeling a business, such as painting, knocking plaster off the walls, moving very large windows, doors, fireplace mantels, etc. But he’s never done anything at my house even though he says he will help me out. I sometimes wonder if my daughter was dating someone like him, if I’d tell her to ditch him.

    1. Oh my goodness. I could have written that. Except for the kissing part and in my case i see him even less (once a month) but in my case he lost several family members since I’ve known him so i know he’s dealing with that. It sounds to me like he’s not into you. I’m sorry. That’s hurtful. Especially no Valentine’s or birthday. You deserve better and it sounds line he’s managing down your expectations.

    2. This guy never learned to be a good partner, and it sounds like he doesn’t know how to try now, either. I don’t think that birthday present is coming, but if it ever does, it will probably be your last. You deserve to be treated well and loved the way you want to be loved. This guy is not going to do that for you. I know how hard it is to let go, but I think you have to. You can let go slowly at first and just start seeing other people. Tinder is amazing, by the way. My friend found someone perfect really quickly on Tinder 3 years ago, and they just got married in November. They are both in their 40’s and are so happy to find each other. They tell each other they make each other better people. Just think about how you can start fresh with a new guy (or two) and pick out someone who will do things with you, cuddle and kiss on the couch, spend time searching for the perfect gift, and keep his word about when he’s coming over. You will be happy, trust me. Besides, if he’s almost 60, he might be a little old for you. They say age shouldn’t matter, but it does play a part. You’re still young and should take that same advice you’d give your daughter.

  43. My future husband and I live 13 hrs apart.. I asked him to help me move to where he lives the first 2 times he said yes quickly.. I asked him again he did not reply back.. now the whole time we have been dating I have been the one to travel back and forth with my son to see him. I recently just been promoted to a great job.. I have told him that I will be losing a lot when I move career wise. But he feels that I would have a better chance getting a job were he lives then him getting a Job where I live… but that’s not the point. The point is if a man cares enough about his future wife and son would he want them to be safe and help them move to become a family..

    1. Kiki, I do not like what you said about being the one who travels back and forth. Not fair and a relationship is 2 ways……Since you have a Son and a new job would NOT recommend that you move to him. If he wants to make an effort to come visit you a few times you can see he’s pulling his weight. I would NEVER drop my whole life for a Man! Especially if you have a SON!! Please take some money you get from promotion and go to Counseling to help you

  44. Me and my boyfriend have been together for more than a year now and I feel like lately he doesn’t make any effort to spend time with me. We’re both in college and when we started dating we were together all the time, we went out together with friends, we watched movies, etc. Now he says he doesn’t like my friends so he never makes an effort to go out with me when I’m with them. He always makes his schedules according to his friends schedules and if I wanna spend any time with him I have to change my schedules. He spends hours playing videogames and if I want us to go to bed together I always have to be waiting for him till 4 in the morning even when I have classes at 9, and when I wanna go to bed earlier I can’t even sleep because of the noise and flashing lights of the videogame.
    I feel like I’m the only one putting any effort for us to spend time together. We’re in a fight right now because of that and what he says is for me to do things the way I used to but that way we will never be together. He definetly isn’t prioritizing me.
    Next week is Valentines day, we live in far apart cities and are on a school break till the week after and I asked him if he wanted to go back to our school city to spend Valentines day together since it’s only 3 days before school starts. He doesn’t have any plans in those days and still he can not make an effort to spend that day with me, meanwhile I have 2 birthday parties and was ready to ditch them to spend time with him. Right now I want to clear things out and make this the last time we talk about this, because in the last month I told him many times that I felt like he made no time for me and was making more effort to spend time with his friends than with me, and he doesn’t even answers my texts.

    1. Omgod girl leave him. Its time to let him go, you did all you could. I’m sorry but what he’s doing is horrible, really bad boyfriend in my eyes. You can do it xoxox

  45. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I have started noticing lots of cracks in our relationship which have eventually led to me feeling unloved, invisible, not a priority and lonely. He doesn’t tell me he loves me very often, never compliments me, doesn’t text or call on the days we are apart and due to his lifestyle and commitments we see each other the same 3 evenings every week, and it has been the same 3 evenings for 3 years with the exception of one or two evening. hes never romantic, never takes me anywhere spontaneously it just goes on…. the hard part is we have a very deep connection, we understand eachother, and have the best friendship any partner could have… I have recently told him on a few occasions how unhappy I have become. He understood, admitted he takes me fore granted and he would try harder. It lasted 4 days. I have since ended the relationship as I feel it is a one way system with him taking and not giving. He is not a bad person, his life I guess doesn’t have room for me..This decision has however, broken me, I know it was right but it still hurts… I just hope I wasn’t expecting too much??? , hopefully each day, I will start to become stronger, and maybe me and him could continue with our friendship as time passes

    1. Girlgoingcrazyoverhere

      Hi girl, I‘m in the same situation right now. I was the one initiating our relationship and I feel like he thinks just being there is enough for me. I‘m always the one organizing my life around his and making sure we see each other. He says he loves me but I don‘t see him actively showing his love. He‘s just happy having me in his life because I‘m supportive and loving but I don‘t see much effort on his side except when he really wants to do things he really likes.

  46. So in my situation, I live with my boyfriend for about a year now in which we did move too fast because we moved in together after about 6 months of dating. With him, he tried very hard to get the first couple dates with me and he didn’t stop. He wanted to hang out everyday which at first I though was strange but I started to so after while it was weird for both of us to not be around each other every day. Not to mention, our second date was going to look at a puppy he was looking at after meeting my dog. So if it really weren’t for zoey (our dog) I wouldn’t have gone on that second date with him (because I just can’t say no to seeing puppies). Anyways, I eventually moved in with him and things were good. Then we signed our new real lease together and I don’t know how we got where we got but he started getting lazy. He used o do his laundry, make his bed, clean the kitchen, cook himself and I dinner when I was at HIS place a lot or even when i moved in with him! He felt his place was his and he wanted to keep his place sacred and clean! Which I loved! But we got OUR place, he expects me to clean, cook, everything. When I ask him (nearly beg him) to do something so simple such as make the bed, I come home at 3 pm from work when he has the day off and the bed, room, everything including him is a mess! And he’s unshowered and playing video games! This became such an issue that, we fight basically every days I do everything to make his life easier. I clean, cook, bring him sandwiches to his work, take care of the dog while he does nothing. Tonight was my last straw.. I worked until 11 pm and he worked until 7 and this morning I even brought everything out ingredients wise for him to FOR ONCE make me dinner because I was getting home SO late and SO exhausted. I mentioned it many times, can’t wait to get home and eat what you’ve made & have dinner with you! Literally so many times. Not in an highly expected way but just generally happy and loving! I had an awful night at work as a nursing assistant with 18 patients who were ungrateful and nurses who treated me like crap after doing everything for everyone around me. I felt once again unappreciated. I was still jus tholding it together because at least I have my boyfriend who will care for me for once instead of me constantly caring for others needs! Then I get a text at 10 pm! When ALL grocery stores near us are closed saying “I don’t feel like cooking tonight, we don’t have all the ingredients” so I say “ok why is it that you didn’t notice this when you got home from work when stores were open?!” And he states that he just noticed it then. But what?! He knew my day was not going well and that I have dinner ready for him every single night and just once, I ask him to just do it for me! Then I come home to him sleeping in bed. Nothing cleaned up, ingredients still on the counter, and not one thing made for me to eat.. and even better, after letting me in the door, not a how was work. Nope just opens the door, hey babe, then back to bed. I’ve had absolutely enough. So currently on the couch drinking a beer, eating leftovers from a 3 days ago (which is humorous because he could have at LEAST heated that up for me) and then all the sudden the dog jumps up at me. SHE STILL HAD HER HARNOUS ON HER. Back as a baby, he said the vet said not to let her sleep or have that on for a while because she is a labradoodle and it makes their hair very knotty and bad for their skin. Yet there it is, still on since god knows when he took her out. All I think of him is selfish & inconsiderate of everyone’s feelings but his own. Keep in mind, he does suffer from depression here and there where he has no energy at times and finds no pleasure in anything. He also is financially stressed and gets seasonal sadness (it’s winter here in Wisconsin) and I try my hardest to support his needs with it all but it drains me always having to take care of him while I get nothing in return except more expectations. I get so exhausted and mad that I says things hurtful accidentally such as “you do nothing around here! You only care about yourself, you’re lazy” out of anger.. which it catches up to me and makes me awful because I know his lack of energy plays a large part of it but how am
    I supposed to feel or do.. to make it even better he recently told me after a large fight about laundry or something I barely remember, that he’s decided to go for traveling nursing in California this spring because he will make more
    Money (something he is very stressed out about) and I don’t know what to do because that’s not part of our plan. And what does he say when I say that, he says “what plan?!” And then what we talked about was not “set in stone” and that “things change”. I don’t know what to do or how to feel.. I’m trying to figure out if it’s his depression that’s making him stress to make more money as well as not doing anyrhjng for me or the home we live in, or if he truly doesn’t care for me or my feelings and I’m just here for the mean time to do things for him?

    1. LEAVE HIM. This man is no good for you, and he will never learn how to grow out of his depression if there’s someone always doing everything for him. I am depressed as well and yet my partner is on top of my prioroty list. Even when you are depressed you can do little things, especially if its for someone you love. I don’t understand why he wouldnt make you diner when you took out all the ingredients. He truly sucks, im sorry but you need to leave him. 🙁 you can still offer him emotional support (from a distance) if he needs it…good luck, xoxo

  47. My boyfriend had proposed me to marry him on 3rd month dating.. then he was stressed up with his business he didn’t know how to handle .. i started helping him and give him directions.. he was getting through in a good way ,though at times i had to push him as he haf started giving up.. but then he broke up with me while am at my work place .. it was terrible..but i couldn’t let my personal issues interfere with my work i locked the door of my office and kept on working with tears.. three months later he comes back .. but again he hasnt mentioned he needs a favour .. but he kinda mentioned about something that i was helping him out with telated to his business.. i offered him help yet lol.., and the matter is going well on his favour and he has pulled off again.. bi communication.. am glad i had asked him once if he just came around cause he wanted favour.. he said he still have strong feelings for me.. but deep inside i know he is just using.
    What can i do to walk out of this toxic relationship?

  48. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years now, i love him and I know he loves me back but, my biggest insecurity is him changing and being lazy in the relationship, which I have noticed he has been doing lately. He has always been so sweet and consistent. Surprising me with letters, giving me flowers and just little things like opening the door for me. Now he doesn’t do any of those, and I miss how it was before. I really i am lost and don’t know what to do, love only gets old if he allows it, I have been trying to do sweet things for him aswell by making him a nice meal and texting him good morning and just checking up on him but I guess he seems rather bored. We currently are not speaking it’s been three days, and this has been the longest fight we’ve ever had, since we always try fixing it right away and I feel like we’ve just gotten so exhausted and I’ve just been so sad over the lack of effort he used to give.

    1. What happened now Millie? One month later…. any improvement? I understand where you are at with this.. I mentally…I don’t understand the action itself 🙁

  49. These tips actually worked. First off I pulled back without warning. It took him 2 days to notice something. Then he texted me to see how I was doing. I said “fine”. Then nothing. Next thing I woke up to a text. A lovely text of him telling me that we can talk everyday when I wake up in the morning. It’s long distance and he is 8 hours ahead of me. I said ok. He did call me every morning like he said for a week. I asked why the sudden change? He said that the only thing I require of him is to give me attention. And the only way we can get closer is by communicating as much as we can. He said that I’ve been making effort so can he. He’s been consistent so far. I make sure I put into the relationship as much as I get. It has created a balance to where I don’t feel exhausted with trying to keep things going.

    Ladies lay back and observe. That’s the only way you will know how he truly feels. Also be prepared to lose him. Meaning if he doesn’t step up when you pull back. Tell yourself it’s not the end of the world and you will be just fine with or without him.

    Then keep being the fabulous person that you are.


  50. thank you so much for posting this article since i really need clarity for my mind . My boyfriend and I been together for a few months ,we dated not really long time ago and now we are in long distance. I haven’t see each other for 2months which it is really upsetting. Recently,he told me he’ll be busy with work and i tried to understand our situation right now..But he i feel like he doesn’t seems to give much effort for this relationship to get closer. He’s really bad at texting and sometimes we don’t really talk on the phone cause he said he was tired. But there’s one time where I got really mad and told him what i feel about everything and he said he was sorry and he tell me how much he loves me. I do really love him even we just got together. It’s so hard due to his work ,he still trying his best to see me at least thats what he told me. I hope everything goes well for both us to get this relationship last. But do you guys think it’s worth it?

  51. Hello,
    Thank you for creating this platform. So my boyfriend and I will have been together for a year this november. I would say he fell in love(infatuated?) with me very quickly after meeting me. He told me he loved me within weeks of us meeting. He was very affectionate and gentle towards me and would make it a point to call me every day, the first maybe 2-3 months of our relationship. We ended up living together briefly because he did not want to be apart from me. However, somewhere after the 4-5 month mark, he got another job and started working two jobs. He nolonger would make as much effort, like call or text to check on me. I went through a period of unemployment and he was not emotionally supportive through this period. I would get so frustrated with him because I really was not asking for much, just a phone call to check on your girlfriend surely is not asking for much. Anyway I would talk about these things with him and he would make progress, but then get right back to the same place shortly after. It is almost like I was forcing him to show that he cared. So i moved out and got my own place and we continued dating. He still did not make much of an effort as far as even coming to visit me. I would be the one driving to go see him, but I still over looked it and gave him benefit of doubt. When i pull back abit, i notice it is when he makes an effort. He does not take me out for surprise outings or does not plan anything for us to do as a couple, but still i do not complain much about that. i just wish he would be more emotionally available. There are sometimes I try to talk to him about my day, and he is listening but he doesnt engage or seem interested. From what i have learned about him, I know he is someone who does not really know what dating is. He does not feel like he should go the extra mile to do anything as long as you know he loves you. That should be enough. I have tried so many times to let the relationship go and have broken up with him, but he does not want to let me go. I really get frustrated with him often because he does not want to let me go, but yet he can not do what I ask of him. Please advice and apologize for the long narration.

  52. So me and my bf have been dating fur about 5 months now. But for about two of those months, we’ve been in a long distance relationship due to him being relocated for work and we’ve only really seen each other about two or three times irl. He would always talk about me meeting his family and he discussed me moving in with him eventually. I’m about to turn 20 in a few months and he’s 25, I’m afraid i might be a little too naive or wayyy too vulnerable for someone like him. The thing is there seemed to be no problem in our relationship, i love him and i feel like it’s mutual but about two weeks ago he began to claim that i was cheating on him (which I’m not) and well ik its happened to him before. And now he hasnt talked to me in almost three weeks. I’ll call him daily or send him texts but he only leaves me on seen and doesnt reply. Idk if he’s extremely busy or what’s happening but he doesn’t communicate at all with me. I’m very worried and actually considering going to where he is and seeking answers. Please help?

    1. Honestly if you’ve tried messaging him and he isn’t responding I would just stop. I’ll leave him alone. Let him come to you. No texting. No calling. Nothing. Just stay silent.

      1. im going through the same thing my boyfriend will not text me nor will he call me when i text him again he reply and said his mother getting on his nerve he goes to her house to take care of her he said he been going through alot with his mom very upset but my thing is what about me where do i fit into your life i dont even know if were still in a relationship my daughter say dont text or call him we been together over a year hes 52 im 55 what should i do im lost

  53. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half now. We’ve had a roller coaster of a relationship. He always used to put his friends before me, lied to me, involved in gangs and drugs. He has changed massively and does not do any of those things now. However I have had major trust issues since I was young and still find it hard to trust him in certain situations. So I like to know what he’s doing or who he’s with for peace of mind. He gets angry and it’s caused a lot of fights lately. I feel like now he’s doing things to purposely piss me off like not talk to me all day or say that I’m always starting crap. For our year and a half anniversary I didn’t have money at the time and we were fighting a lot but I made him a good luck bracelet and wrote him a very personal card. He was grateful but got me nothing. He has way more money than me and said he didn’t do anything because he was angry at me. I’ve been upset ever since and it’s only been a week but I’m feeling really low and I have bad anxiety in general but it’s been worse lately because of him. Advice? X

    1. I know this is a late reply but do you feel like he respects you? Do you feel loved? Would you be better off without him? To me it seems like your boyfriend is causing your anxiety and making you feel down which is not okay at all. Either speak up about these things or get out of that relationship. Leaving a person you love is one of the hardest things to do. So accept that it will be hard, cry about it for a week or two and try to move on with your life and realize that you deserved so much better then that pos.

  54. For the first time in my life,i met someone who truly loves me,he gives me everything i want,he goes out of his way to do anything for me,but because i have being in so many bad relationships,i find it hard to trust him,lately we were having so many issues,cos i couldn’t trust him and thought he was cheating! Lately he seem a bit distant,he will pick my calls and reply my messages when he is in a meeting,now he complains that it upsets him a bit when i text him when he is in a meeting.. He used to call me at night before he sleeps,now he doesn’t anymore,he takes days to reply my whatsapp messages. He barely calls me back when he sees my miss calls,i talked to him about it,he told me he is just stressed up with work.. Now he tries to call me at night or text me before he sleeps,he returns my calls,but things are not like before.. I miss him and who he use to be,at the same time am preparing myself for the worst! I know it was all my fault and wish i could fix things! He sent a text yesterday telling me,he is still with me and will always be with me,he loves me and needs me,but he is still a bit distant! I don’t want to lose him,i made a mistake and have learnt to trust him now! I just want the real him back! 😭

    1. Yep. I’m going through the same thing now. I told him I loved him and the only reason why I would ever leave him is if he cheated on me. But I needed to know if he still wanted the relationship with me because he has been so distant. He said he did. But the communication thing has really slowed down. My birthday weekend was really rough. I talked to him early in the day (he was out of town). That was on Friday. I didn’t hear from him till early Sunday morning when I drunk texted him. LOL. It wasn’t any thing bad.
      So guess what? I decided to pull back and just sit and watch. Its exhausting when you are the one doing the heavy lifting. I have trust issues as well. But I look at him for him. I trust him but I just wish he would give me more time. I just don’t feel like a priority any more. So I am working on adjusting my expectations so I don’t get disappointed. The last time I told him about him not making me a priority, he said felt he wasn’t good enough for me. Made me feel so bad.
      My brother did tell me that he may be going through some things in his personal life that he is not ready to share with me. So that could also be taking up his time and mind. Either way I have decided to just sit back and live my life. Go back to doing the things I use to do before I met him. I miss him terribly.

  55. I love my boyfriend so much, we’ve been together for a year now. I pay d bills, I buy him stuffs give him money, I practically do everything in d relationship . But he has never considered making me happy for once. The worst of all, He’s so Unforgiven, if we have misunderstanding i”ll sent a text of apology, after that i”ll try to call him, but, he won’t pickup on several occasions…. Should I quit or continue with the relationship? ‘m tired n don’t know what to do anymore!

  56. I’ve been dating Wes for about 6-7 months. Around the 5th month, he asked me to be his girlfriend but then he quickly retracted it after realizing how serious we were about to be. He said he wanted to have a deeper talk about expectations and his four years old son before we can be official. We continue dating but not once did he ever bring up talking about all that he mentioned. The same month, I started my PhD program but I still made the time to see him. He started withdrawing from me after I asked him 2-3 times to hang out and do things with me. He said he’s tired or too busy. After I voiced my frustration, he said he’s been busy with trying to get a promotion at work and on his free time he spends it with his son. He said he was seeking for personal growth and happiness. About 2 weeks or so after, I voiced my concerns again about his lack of effort in making quality time. I said we work on it or we end it. He sense my seriousness and took me out on a date, told me he will make more time to spend with me once a week (I’m busy too so once a week is good for me.) He told me about his insecurity that I seem to have a plan and moving forward with my life and career, while he’s not and he fears the future ahead. Afterwards he’s been making the time but only when I remind him. Also he always respond but he’s texting less. I’m still dissatisfied I guess. I don’t know what to do. Forgive me for my writing as it is 1 am.

  57. I really love this article. Im dating my bf for a year and a half and we have had many calm as well as heated conversations about our relationship on our priority list. High on mine, low on his. I am the first gf my bf ever had and theres only so much I can pin on that reason. But I decided to tell my bf what makes me happy. Not material things, but being romantic on special occasions. Anniversaries, birthdays etc. But he still makes no effort in even recognizing relationship milestones like anniversaries, but he has done romantic things for the girl he chased for 6 years. But refuses to do that for me. He is quite affectionate and does make sure the bills are paid etc. But he would rather break up than try to understand what makes me happy and make an effort. I sometimes think my expectations are too high. So I dropped them and only expected him to make an effort on anniversaries but still nothing. Advice please? Should I just leave and find someone that can give me those things?

  58. I met my boyfriend at work. We recently broke up with him due to the fact that, despite my efforts to express how I didn’t feel like a priority, and him apologizing, him not making an effort to see me during the week (“Works been crazy”) and saying he would call me at night, but not, he did not change and I gave it 2 1/2 weeks.

    I felt confident with my decision to part. As stated above, knowing what your boyfriend is going through (ex trauma, personal grief, work load) is important and all, but also knowing how you would act if you were in a similar situation gives you answers and peace. I have three jobs…he has one, I’ve been threatened in relationships/emotionally abused…he was cheated on…. and I can say that I would of made more of an effort. He said he would change, but he said that before.

    You can spend a lifetime figuring out a person’s situation and analyze things, but at the end of the day, actions are louder than words, and if a man/women REALLY wants to be with you, they will move mountains. A relationship is 50/50. Know your worth and don’t settle for a man who doesn’t act like he’s got you pinned down, get a man who treats you like he can’t get enough of you.

    1. Love your reply and I agree with it all I’m struggling right now as I’m conflicted with wht to do how long do you wait how long do you keep understanding he has issues he is dealing with but makes minimal effort with our relationship.. I’m just sad angry and confused

  59. Thank you for being here, and for being so honest about your relationship difficulties! It’s so frustrating and difficult when you love a man – your boyfriend – and he doesn’t make any effort to see you, love you, or even respect you. It’s also heartbreaking, especially when you want to be with him.

    You can’t change your boyfriend. You can’t “make” him love you, or force him to make an effort in your relationship. All you can do is give him space to love you the way he wants. If this doesn’t work for you – if he disrespects, ignores, or even abuses you – then you need to decide what to do. Do you want to stay with your boyfriend, just the way he is right now? You can’t change how he acts toward you…you can only change your expectations.

    I say I never give advice, but this is one thing I want you to know: you have to build a life outside your relationship with your boyfriend. You can’t let him be the center of your life! You need to rest your hopes, dreams and future on a love that never fails, a river that never runs dry. This isn’t a man. No boyfriend in the world can fill the emptiness that only God can fill.

    Get emotionally and spiritually healthy. Open your heart to Jesus; listen to His call on your life. Then, you’ll have the wisdom and guidance you need. Then, you’ll know what to do when your boyfriend makes no effort in your relationship.

    What do you think?


  60. So, my boyfriend and i have known each other our entire lives. We’re both in high school now. I’m going to be a junior in a few months and he’ll be a freshman in college. It’s been bugging me for a while but I finally decided to do something about the fact that he doesn’t really seem to make an effort to see me. Like, I’ve planned 90% of our dates. We live like 30-35 minutes away but I have friends who have relationships similar and they see their boyfriends all the time. We only see each other every one or two weeks at the most. Recently, and at a time where my mental state has been absolute crap and I really needed some comfort, we didn’t see each other for about a month and a half. Oh, also he keeps poking my stomach and at first it was funny and cute but now it’s genuinely annoying and I’m trying to tell him to stop but he doesn’t take me seriously and just kind of turns it into a joke. Help me please I have no idea what to do.

    1. Hi, I really need help/advice
      Me and my boyfriend have been together for 9months and we really do love each other but a couple weeks ago we just didn’t talk as much or communicate in person & I asked him if he wants this relationship and he said he’s lost feelings for me (but he doesn’t know and his heads abit lost) and it doesn’t feel like we’re together anymore because the conversation is “dead”. And I told him we can figure it out together after 1/2 weeks I asked him again and go if you don’t want to be with me just say it and he said he doesn’t want to be a di**head and I said fine and I tried ending it because the way I was getting replies I felt as if he didn’t want this no more. But then he started talking to me normally and we was fine for a couple weeks but it’s been 3 weeks now he just hasn’t been putting effort in and leaves me on read and blancs my messages (on snapchat we have a streak and that’s when he snaps me) & I texted him saying hiya and he left me on read I just don’t know what to do anymore my friends have told me to end this but I really do love him what shall I do?

  61. This helps me to decide that I can’t wear rose colored glasses with my current relationship .thanks for helping me see what I have to remove from my life .