Feeling unlovable, unworthy, and unwanted is normal after a breakup. But just because it’s normal doesn’t mean it’s inevitable! Here’s how to stop feeling unlovable after a breakup and start feeling happy again.
I thought nobody could love me when my boyfriend broke up with me. I felt alone and ugly inside and out, and it took time to heal both my heart and my spirit. I know other women also struggle with feelings of unlovability and unworthiness after a breakup….so if you feel unwanted and unlovable, my friend, you are not alone.
“I feel like no one could love me,” says Andi on When You Feel Scared You’ll Never Be Loved. I feel afraid, angry, hurt and lonely. It’s been two years since the breakup but it feels like yesterday. I’ve been feeling unlovable the whole time and I can’t go a day without thinking about him. I don’t know if it’s love or obsession but I’m tired of the way I feel. I don’t want to feel hopeless about life and love again, but I can’t overcome this feeling of being unlovable and unwanted.”
How do you feel? Take time to identify your specific emotions. Do you feel unlovable because this was your first love, or unwanted because your boyfriend broke up with you? Maybe you’re feeling unworthy because he told you that you’re not good enough for him. Maybe he left you for another woman, or he cheated on you.
Spend time working through your feelings. It hurts to go deeper into the pain of rejection and sadness, but it’s the only path to true healing after a breakup. There are no quick tips or easy fixes on how to stop feeling unlovable after a breakup — but there are answers! So don’t give up hope on life or love just yet.
How to Stop Feeling Unlovable After a Breakup
I have a few questions for you. If you can find answers to these questions, you’ll find the key to feeling lovable, wanted, and worthy.
First question: what are you telling yourself about your future? If you keep thinking, “I’m unlovable, nobody could love me and no one will ever want me, I can’t stop thinking about him and can’t live without him” then you’ll always feel unlovable after a breakup. Those thoughts are setting you up for a constant battle with unworthiness and unlovability.
The two most important things to do after a breakup — especially when you feel unlovable and unwanted — are to: 1) pay close attention to your thoughts; and 2) allow God to help you Blossom into who you were created to be.
Who told you that you’re unlovable?
Maybe you’re like me, and you always struggled with feelings of unworthiness and unlovability. I never felt like I was good enough. I always struggled with insecurity and inferiority, and it wasn’t until I read my diary from the 8th grade that I realized why. It turns out that my mom called me names and told me terrible things about myself. I’d forgotten all that — even though it destroyed my self-image and self-worth. And so when my boyfriend broke up with me, I plummeted back down into feeling unlovable and unwanted.
After a relationship ends, you may feel unlovable not just because of the breakup itself…but because of what you already believe about yourself. The breakup just confirmed your feelings of being unlovable, unwanted, and unworthy.
Did you feel unlovable before the breakup?
Think about how you felt during your relationship…if you struggled with feelings of unlovability, unworthiness, inferiority, and unwantedness while you were with your boyfriend, then you’re almost guaranteed to struggle with the same feelings after a breakup!
Feeling unlovable and unwanted is normal when a relationship ends. If you felt that way during the relationship, then of course you will feel that way after. If you felt unlovable during your relationship, take time to figure out why. Maybe you grew up being told how bad you are, I like I did. Then you’ll always struggle with feeling like nobody could love you. Its makes total sense: if you were told bad things about yourself as a child, then you’ll still believe those bad things about yourself when you’re grown up.
Your feelings of being unlovable after a breakup aren’t about your boyfriend or the breakup itself. They’re about you.
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Is it true that you’re unlovable?
Of course it’s not true. You are lovable, worthy, and wanted!
You were created in God’s image, to glorify and reflect His nature. You’re not perfect, but you are beautiful in your own unique way. You won’t always make the right choices because you’re just a human being who makes mistakes. And, as a human being, you’re not good without God. Nobody is good without God. We need Him to help us grow and Blossom into who He created us to be.
If you feel alone, read 7 Things to Remember When You Feel Like No One Cares.
How do you stop feeling unlovable after a breakup?
You have to find something different to set your heart on. You need to create a foundation of hope and faith that can’t be shaken, no matter what. To stop feeling unworthy and unlovable after a breakup, you have to base your self-image and self-worth on something holy, good, pure, right, trustworthy, loving, and compassionate.
And that something isn’t a man. That something is God.
You can never feel deeply loved if you set your heart on a man, because all men fail. You’ll never feel truly worthy if you base your self-image on a boyfriend, because even the best boyfriends make mistakes and disappoint us. Good men are everywhere — I married a good man, and I love him deeply — but he’s just a human being. And humans are weak, faulty, frail, vulnerable.
Yes, you need to learn how to get over the breakup…but it’s more important to learn how to build an unshakeable foundation of love, worthiness, and value.
What will you base your self-worth and self-image on?
Tell me: what will you set your heart on? You need to find something that will never fail you or let you down. This can’t be a boyfriend, husband, relationship, or marriage because even the best, kindest, most loving man in the world will eventually cause you pain.
A good, kind, loving man won’t hurt you on purpose. But, he might run into unexpected troubles that create problems in your relationship. For example, he could experience an accident that causes a serious injury or wound. This could change everything about your relationship. Or, he might fall into a psychological or cognitive health issue such as depression and withdraw emotionally. He might even die.
When you feel unlovable after a breakup, you need to find what makes you feel lovable, worthy, and wanted again. If you base your self-worth and self-image on a man, then you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak. No man can fill the hole in your heart and soul.
Blossoming After a Breakup
I wrote Blossoming After a Breakup: The Courage and Creativity You Need to Restart Your Life! to help women start fresh, build their loves and self-images from the ground up, and find hope and excitement about the future!
Picture yourself happy, healthy, and filled with joy. You were meant to feel vibrant, happy, and free.
Remember that you can’t base your self-worth and self-image on anything in this world, because everything changes. Nothing stays the same, which means you can’t have faith in anything but God. He is the only unchanging, reliable, constant source of love, hope, power, light, strength, peace, forgiveness and joy. He is the only way to get over those feelings of unlovability after a breakup, and start Blossoming into the woman He created you to be.
First, you need to heal your heart after this breakup. Grieve the end of your relationship, and figure out why you feel so unwanted and unlovable. Get to the root of those problems.
Second, you need to let go of the past.
Help Letting Go of Someone You Love
I wrote How to Let Go of Someone You Love: Powerful Secrets and Practical for Healing Your Heart to help you cope with the loss of a relationship. It hurts to let go of someone you love – even if you’re not “in love” anymore. The pain of breaking up affects every part of your life: your daily routine, work, family relationships, friends, hopes and dreams for your future, and even your financial plans.
The first version of this ebook was called How to Let Go of Someone You Love: 3 Powerful Secrets (and 75 Tips!) for Healing Your Heart. I wrote it several years ago, and have learned a lot about loving, losing, and letting go since then. So, I rewrote the ebook. My prayer is that it helps heal your heart, and gives you comfort and guidance.
To learn how to let go, I interviewed life coaches, counselors, and grief coaches. I know how shocking, confusing, and heart-wrenching it is to let go of a relationship. It’s devastating – and it changes how you see yourself. Learning how to let go of someone you love is about rediscovering who you are.
How are you feeling? I welcome your thoughts below. You’re welcome to share your answers to the questions I asked above, and to work through your feelings of being unlovable and unwanted after a breakup.