Learning what “uncoupling” is will help you heal after a pain breakup or divorce. These tips on how to successfully uncouple when a relationship ends will help you piece your life back together.
“I was married for 20 years,”writes Diane Vaughan in Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. “As I reflected on the relationship after our separation, the marriage seemed to have been coming slowly apart for the last ten. I could retrospectively pick out turning points – moments when the relationship changed, times when the distance between us increased….this book Uncoupling began because of my need to understand and redefine my own marriage experience.” And, I am so glad she wrote this book! Below, I share several insights into what it means to uncouple from Vaughan’s book.
The following tips and thoughts just skim the surface of Uncoupling. I encourage you to pick up your own copy and take time to read Vaughan’s information about uncoupling – especially if you’re healing after a breakup or divorce.
In this post, you’ll learn 6 important facts about uncoupling:
- What is uncoupling?
- The Initiator’s Advantage
- How to change your identity – and why you must
- Why you and your ex don’t “uncouple” at the same time
- How staying connected is a normal part of the uncoupling process
- What to expect if your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband “recouples”
The first two points will help you understand the process of uncoupling – and this will be extremely helpful if you’re learning how to emotionally detach from someone you care about. The other four insights will help you understand the pain and loneliness you’ll feel as you go through the uncoupling process.
What You Need to Know About Uncoupling After a Breakup
“In the course of life, we do move on,” writes Vaughan in Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. “Ultimately, we are all bound to fall out of love, divorce, separate, lose loved ones through death. We are constantly uncoupling from organizations as well as individuals. We leave behind jobs, parents, co-workers, churches, neighborhoods, hospitals, mentors, schools and universities, prisons, clubs, children, and friends.”
The common element in all types of uncoupling is the loss of your role and identity in that relationship.
1. What is uncoupling?
“Uncoupling is a railroader’s term,” says a 39-year-old mechanic in Uncoupling, divorced after 12 years. “When a relationship ends, it’s like when a locomotive uncouples from a car or a car uncouples from another car … One can let go, the other can let go, or they can let go at the same time. But it’s also a mechanical letting go because they no longer live together. They live separately. They do different things. They’re no longer hooked up in mechanical ways.”
This is one of the key components of the process of uncoupling: each partner lets go at different times. Sometimes, one partner (the Initiator) can even successfully uncouple before the breakup is official. Rarely do couples let go or uncouple at the same time; you’ll learn more about this in point four.
Uncoupling doesn’t happen simultaneously because one partner has started leaving emotionally and perhaps even physically before the breakup actually occurs.
So, what does “uncoupling” mean? Uncoupling is a process of changing your relationship and detaching from your ex. Uncoupling is complete when you and your ex can both define yourself as separate and independent from each other. Uncoupling occurs when being partners with your ex is no longer a part of your identity. Instead, your identity comes from other sources (eg, your spiritual relationship with God, your professional identity as an entrepreneur, your social identity as a volunteer or neighborhood party organizer, etc).
Why isn’t uncoupling the same as “breaking up”? Because breaking up is the actual split, the separation, the divorce. Uncoupling is the transition process that involves both partners moving away from each other emotionally, socially, psychologically, spiritually, and physically. Uncoupling can take years, especially if you have kids with your ex.
Learning how to overcome depressed feelings after a breakup is part of the uncoupling process.
2. The Initiator’s Advantage
The “Initiator” is the person who wants to break up; her advantage is that she has already started the uncoupling process and thus may move on more quickly. She is secretly unhappy with the relationship – and sometimes not so secretly unhappy! She may urge her partner to change or start withdrawing from physical or emotional intimacy. Often both partners feel some tension, boredom, or dissatisfaction in the relationship before the breakup…but the initiator is the one who actually speaks up and says it’s time for this relationship to change in some way.
“I finally came to the point where I realized I was never going to have the kind of relationship I had hoped for,” says 39 year old Sally in Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. “I didn’t want to end it, because of the children, but I wasn’t going to let it hurt me anymore…I was no longer willing to let being with him be the determining factor as to whether I was happy or not. I ceased planning our lives around his presence or absence and began looking out for myself.”
The advantage the initiator has is that she has started preparing for the breakup emotionally and intellectually. Since she already started the “uncoupling process” months or years before the breakup, she has a headstart on detaching, healing, and moving on.
3. How to change your identity – and why you must
One of the reasons breaking up and uncoupling is so difficult is because we identify ourselves through our relationships. For example, my friend’s husband asked her for a divorce five years ago, and her pain is still as fresh and raw today as it was the day he left her. Why? Because all she ever wanted to be was a mother and wife. She had no desire to do anything but be a mom. That was her whole identity. When her husband initiated the divorce, she lost her identity.
A healthy and successful uncoupling process must involve creating a new identity for yourself. You must redefine yourself in new and fresh (or old and fresh!) ways. Even if your primary source of self comes didn’t come from your relationship or marriage, you will still need to change how you see yourself after the breakup.
Who were you in your relationship? How did the breakup affect your self-identity, your identity to others? To uncouple, you must think about who you were then and who you will become in the future.
8 examples of roles that can help a woman create a new identity:
- As a student, going back to school for the degree you always wanted
- As an entrepreneur, starting the business you’ve been dreaming of
- As a new creation in Christ, revitalizing your relationship with God
- As a world explorer, traveling to countries you always yearned to see
- As parent, spending more time building strong relationships with your kids
- As a volunteer, participating in new activities and organizations
- As a hostess, inviting friends over for weekly dinner parties
- As a blogger, learning how to write online
This can be an exciting time of your life, an opportunity for change and growth! It depends on how you look at it. Your uncoupling process can be as painful or healthy as you make it.
4. Why you and your ex don’t “uncouple” at the same time
“Uncoupling does not occur at the same moment for each participant,” writes Vaughan in Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. “Both, to uncouple, make the same transition, but begin and end at different times. Initiators, as we have seen, have a head start. But ultimately, the other partner begins to put the relationship behind him. He acknowledges that the relationship is unsaveable.”
Initiators typically start recreating their identities while they’re still in the relationship. This is part of their process of self-discovery, of deciding if a breakup is necessary. They may reconnect with their families, take new jobs, or even starting to act as if they are single again. Initiators are already thinking of themselves as uncoupled while their partners may not even know the relationship is in trouble.
If your ex broke up with you, you are entering the uncoupling process later than he did. In order to fully understand what it means to uncouple, you need to determine if you were the initiator or the receiver. If your ex initiated the breakup, then he may be ready to move on and enter a new relationship while you’re still dealing with the shock of breaking up.
5. How staying connected is a normal part of the uncoupling process
“Coupling changes us and so does uncoupling,” writes Vaughan. “But in most cases relationships don’t end. They change.”
Often, the uncoupling process involves continued interaction between you and your ex. Even if you don’t have mutual interests such as children or the same workplace, you may stay connected because you loved (and possibly still love) your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband. Your relationship may be formally over and you may even have reconstructed your life, but your past history with your ex will always be part of who you are. Your memories will affect your new relationships, experiences, and even your self-identity. Memories are powerful, especially if you don’t recognize how they are affecting you.
You may never be totally less free from a past relationship. Only “less free.” Some people never become free from a breakup at all. They forever wear the badge of rejection, permanently assuming the role of victim, and refuse to create a new identity for themselves.
6. What to expect if your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband “recouples”
“Many partners do not totally accept the idea that the relationship is over until the initiator becomes coupled with someone new,” writes Vaughan in Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. “With that step, the tentativeness is gone. When the initiator recouples soon after parting from the partner, the news often shocks the partner and others close to the relationship.”
In How to Cope When Your Ex Has a New Girlfriend, many readers comment that they are surprised at how sad they feel when their ex-boyfriends start new relationships with other women. This pain is a normal part of the uncoupling – especially if the ex-boyfriend initiated the breakup – because it means he really has left the relationship. He really has moved on. It hurts.
If your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband is in a new relationship, his relationship with you will change. If he texted or emailed you occasionally, he may stop completely. If he visited with you after or before dropping off the kids, he may not come in at all anymore. This ends whatever hopes or secret wishes you had to get back together, for both you and whoever else hoped the same thing (eg, your kids, parents, friends, etc).
Uncoupling is complete when both you and your ex have redefined yourselves, when your identity is separate and independent of your partner’s. If your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband is still a major source of your identity, then you haven’t completed the uncoupling process.
Resources for the Uncoupling Process After a Breakup
In Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After, Katherine Woodward Thomas discusses why relationships come undone and how to heal a broken heart after a divorce or breakup.
“Commonly, we view breaking up as a personal failure, rather than an opportunity,” says Thomas. “And instead of honoring what we once meant to each other, we hoard bitterness and anger, stewing in shame and resentment. Sometimes we even lash out in destructive and hurtful ways, despite the fact that we’re good people at heart. That’s natural: we’re almost biologically primed to respond this way.” She teaches readers how to break up in a whole new way.
“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” – C. S. Lewis.
Necessary Endings by Dr Henry Cloud is one of my favorite books about breaking up and uncoupling. I love this book because it’s not just about healing after a breakup or divorce; it’s about ending a variety of different relationships without getting stuck in the past.
Learning how to let a season of your life end without allowing bitterness, sadness, or that “victim mentality” to overcome you is a huge part of being healthy and happy! If you want to move forward, you need to learn who to end certain seasons in your life.
What do you think – which part of my “6 things you need to know about the uncoupling process after a breakup” stood out to you? Do you think the person who initiated process of breaking up really does have an advantage? I welcome your thoughts on being uncoupled below. I can’t give advice, but you may find it helpful to share your experience.
Your thoughts are welcome below! I don't give advice, but you can get free relationship help from marriage coach Mort Fertel.