Why Married Men Cheat – and How to Prevent It

Marriage counselor Gary Neuman explains why men cheat – and it’s not because the other woman is more attractive. The best way to prevent husbands from cheating in marriage is to know why they stray from their wives.

“[My boyfriend] had slept with a woman that weekend,” says Seattle-based life coach Sarah Cline in Brangelina proves you should never trust a cheater (an article in the New York Post about the most recent celebrity divorce). “I didn’t want to believe it. But I knew it was true. I just wish I had listened to my gut and hadn’t [stayed with] him when I first learned he was a cheater.” Sarah says she listened to the still small voice in her head, which told her to ask her boyfriend if he was cheating on her. She asked, and he admitted he’d been having affairs behind her back. Why do married men cheat on their wives, and how can you help prevent your husband or boyfriend from cheating on you? Here’s what marriage counselor Gary Neuman says…

If you suspect your husband is cheating, there are quiet ways to investigate, such as looking at cell phone records or computer histories, or try using an automobile GPS tracking device if necessary. But first, find out if GPS tracking is legal in your state or province. If you suspect your husband is cheating, read Is He Cheating? How to Be Your Own Private Investigator.

why men cheatIn The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent ItGary Neuman shares what he learned after interviewing dozens of men who cheated on their wives. It’s a fascinating look into why men cheat, and how to prevent an affair.

What’s the number one reason why married men cheat? Ninety-two percent of men said it wasn’t primarily about the sex.  According to Neuman, the majority of men who cheat say it’s because of emotional disconnection in their marriage. Specifically, husbands feel under-appreciated and under-valued.

“There is a lack of thoughtful gestures in the relationship, so married men are tempted to cheat on their wives,” Neuman says. “Men are very emotional beings. They just don’t look like they are. Or they don’t seem like they are. Or they don’t tell you they are.”

Below, this marriage counselor shares his surprising perspective of why men cheat. He shares both the husband’s and the wife’s perspective of infidelity in marriage, and answers Oprah’s question about him placing more blame on wives than husbands for cheating.

Neuman says married women have a great deal of power in their relationships. Here are two interesting statistics about affairs, directly from his book The Truth About Cheating:

  • 1 in 2.7 men will cheat, and most of their wives will never find about it.
  • 92% of men say that affairs aren’t primarily about sex.

Below is a summary of what he told Oprah Winfrey about why men cheat. This episode on why married men cheat (the truth about cheating) was aired a few years ago, but the insights are still relevant today.

Why Men Cheat – Insights From a Marriage Counselor

Neuman says men cheat because of:

  • Loneliness in their relationship or marriage.
  • Affirmation from “the other woman.”
  • Not enough attention at home.

The women men cheat with make them feel valued, secure, and appreciated. “Men love to win,” says Neuman. “If you want to make men feel secure, make them feel like they’re winning.” The husbands who had affairs said that they felt like they couldn’t win at home or in their marriage.

If you suspect your husband is being unfaithful, read 9 Signs Your Husband is Cheating and Lying About It. It’s one of my most popular articles about why married men cheat. If your husband is having an affair, know that you are not alone. More importantly, remember that it isn’t your fault that your husband is cheating. His choice isn’t a reflection of who you are, how attractive you are, or how smart you are. Your husband is cheating because he isn’t fulfilled emotionally. This doesn’t mean it’s your fault – it actually means you have more power than you think in your marriage!

Do you suspect your husband is having an affair? Neuman recommends simply saying, “I think you may be cheating. If you tell me you’re faithful I’ll trust you at your word. I’ve got no choice. But there’s something wrong with us, and I want us to be happy together.”

In The Truth About Cheating, Neuman reports the results of a survey of marriage, marital affairs, and cheating spouses. He surveyed hundreds of husbands and wives to determine the real reasons men cheat. Neuman wrote the book because he saw the overwhelming devastation that happens in families, children, and relatives when men cheat on their wives.

The Controversy in The Truth about Cheating

Oprah points out the controversy in this book: a lot of the blame for affairs in marriage seems to be on the women.

why do married men cheat

The Truth About Why Married Men Cheat on Their Wives

“How come women have to be the ones to work it out or fix it?” she asks. Why do wives bear the responsibility of learning why married men cheat and how to prevent cheating in marriage?

Neuman stresses that it’s not the wives’ fault that men cheat, and it’s not a blame game. He claims The Truth About Cheating is a book is about empowering women.

“If you do certain things, you can lead your relationship to better place,” he says.

Women think if they appreciate their partners or husbands too much, the men will stop doing wonderful or helpful things around the house or in the relationship. It’s just the opposite, says Neuman.

You can help guide your marriage to a better place if you appreciate and support your husband. The more you learn about why married men cheat, the more power and influence you have in your marriage and in your future. Learning the truth about cheating is about building a mutually beneficial and fulfilling relationship.

“The more you appreciate your husband, the more he’ll want to please you,” says this marriage counselor. Use sincere praise to encourage and uplift your husband, and he’ll be less likely to cheat on you.

Remember that cheating isn’t necessarily a sign your marriage is over. In fact, some couples counselors believe that you should stay with a cheating husband because you’ve already hit rock bottom. You have nowhere to go but up – if both you and your husband are willing to save your marriage. It’ll be hard work, but it will be worth it.

How many men leave their wives for women who are more attractive? Almost none.

“I had a many mistresses, and none were prettier than my wife,” said one married man who constantly cheated on his wife and yet wanted to stay in his marriage.

According to Neuman, 88% of the men he interviewed said the other woman wasn’t better looking or more physically fit than their wives. The number one reason why married men cheat is NOT about sex. It’s about emotional connection and companionship. Many married men cheat because they’re lonely in their marriage, and they want to feel connected to a woman who loves them and wants to be with them physically and emotionally.

Why Men Cheat – and How to Prevent It

The number one reason why men cheat is that there’s an emotional disconnection in the relationship. Husbands or partners feel under-appreciated, and report a lack of thoughtful gestures. They’re lonely in their marriages.

Men who have affairs are cheating with women who make them feel alive, admired, and respected.

“Men are very emotional beings,” says Neuman. The stereotype is that men are unemotional beings, but Neuman says men are very emotional beings, they just express it differently.

Men want to feel like they’re pleasing their wives. If they get the message that they’re messing up, they feel insecure – and more likely to stray. Here’s Neuman’s marital advice to help you have a closer marriage: express how much you appreciate your spouse.

Most men find people to cheat with when they’re at work. A friendship or emotional relationship develops when they’re doing something they’re both passionate about or interested in.

Some Husbands Will Cheat on Their Wives No Matter What

Neuman says that 12% of men will cheat no matter what the wife does. Neuman says that you know those cheating spouses because they have a lack of remorse, if he’s cavalier about it, there’s no way to heal the marriage.

Do Men Confess Their Affairs?

Only 7% told their wives without being asked that they had an affair. Neuman said that 55% of the men in his study still hadn’t told their wives about their affairs.

When wives do find out that men are having a marital affair, they know who the partner was cheating with. Usually, people talk about their romantic interests.

Warning Signs That a Man May Cheat

Possible advance signs of an affair include:

  • Spend more time away from home
  • Less sex
  • Avoidance of contact (eg, he doesn’t answer his cell phone).
  • More critical of you

connect to love after men cheating on youThese signs of cheating in marriage are the same when he’s about to cheat, or when he’s already involved in a marital affair. Take Neuman’s marital advice if you want to achieve your relationship goals, and watch for these signs of cheating.

In Connect to Love: The Keys to Transforming Your RelationshipNeuman’s shares what he learned about love and marriage after interviewing more than five hundred women. The book is filled with surprising information about love, sex, and marriage – it has the power to change your relationship. When it comes to sexual intimacy, for instance, wives who are satisfied with their marriages have sex more than twice as frequently than those who are dissatisfied.

Why One Man Cheated on His Wife

On the Oprah show, married couple Brian and Anne said they never thought they’d be talking about why men cheat. They also didn’t know that it’s much easier than they thought for one spouse to have an affair in a marriage. Anne says Brian was never gone in the evenings, they were emotionally connected, and they had sex every night.

Yet, Brian was secretly having an affair on his lunch hour at work. Neuman says this isn’t surprising, since most men meet the person they have an affair at work or through a hobby.

Slipping into a secret affair is surprisingly easy

“I was always under the belief that affairs happened to people in either bad marriages or where there’s no sex going on,” said Brian. “And because we had both of those things, I was really unaware of how easily I could slip into an affair.”

Brian says he started having his affair with a person who at first was just a friend. This is why the lines between emotional affairs and innocent friendships often get blurred. You develop a connection with them through some sort of common interest. You don’t choose to have an affair; it just happens.

“It begins as an emotional relationship. There’s a friendship that develops. It’s not just looking for the sex,” says this marriage counselor. “We all have this picture of cheaters as the bad guys. They’re horrible, rotten, not nice. No, they can be nice people who get lost, who do the wrong thing. They can be your husband.”

Do You Think Your Husband is Cheating?

If you think he’s cheating, here are three ways to investigate: “One, go to cell phone records to find out whether he’s very involved with somebody,” says Neuman. “Two, put a GPS magnet on the bottom of his car, so you can see where his car has been. And three, if you think he’s cheating but don’t believe what he says, ask him to take a lie detector test.”

why married men cheat on their wivesFinding out that your husband is cheating is painful, but the betrayal may feel even worst. “Lying in a relationship can be more hurtful than the affair itself – and it takes a lot to move past the lies and deceptions,” said one woman whose husband cheated on her.

It took Sarah Cline – the life coach at the beginning of this article –  five years to rebuild her confidence and learn how to trust men again. Now married, Cline completely trusts her husband, but it took a lot of work to get to there. And he wasn’t even the man who cheated on her.

“When you’ve been with a cheater, you bring the cheater into all of your relationships,” she said. “Until you can make the decision to trust again.”

If you’ve caught your boyfriend cheating, read 5 Signs You Can Trust Your Boyfriend After He Cheated on You.

A bit of advice for married men who are cheating on their wives: “It’s best to come clean as early as possible,” says Neuman. “Be honest with your wife when you’re just beginning to get interested in someone else.”

An affair is a warning sign of an emotionally disconnected relationship, but it doesn’t mean your marriage is over. You can save your marriage, you can start over and rebuild on the connection and love you’ve felt in the past. It’s still there…it’ll just take some work to dig it up and bring it back to life.

I welcome your thoughts on why men cheat, but I can’t offer advice or counseling. Read through the comments left by other readers, and feel free to share your own experience. Show others they aren’t alone, and enjoy the feeling of freedom and release that comes from writing about why married men cheat and how it makes you feel.


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185 thoughts on “Why Married Men Cheat – and How to Prevent It”

  1. I agree with the article that it’s about an emotional disconnection most of all.A married man is in love with me and though I share his feelings I would never allow anything to happen and sincerely hope him and his wife find there way back to each other.His children deserve both their parents with them.Some ‘other women’ are also to blame because they cannot respect the sacredness of marriage.

    I have a feeling if he never met me they would have gone on perfectly happy for years.I sometimes think if she was more attentive to him,really cooked for him,nurtured him etc he would be so pleased and their marriage would really thrive because I feel this is what he seeks from me sometimes.I always remind myself that he was once in love with her enough to actually marry her there must be some remnant of that strong love still floating around waiting to be lit up.

  2. I have been married for over 11 years now. Me and my husband met in the church many years before we started dating,
    we had a loving relationship until my husband started acting strange by getting very angry over little issues. He also started coming home very late and not spending time with me. I eventually found out he was cheating, and I don’t know why. It’s devastating to me and our family.

  3. Well nowadays it is real fact that many women do cheat more than men do since many of us men have been there and done that already.

  4. Married men that Cheat are real Pathetic Losers in the first place since there are many of us Good men that would be very Happy with just One Good Woman to share our life with which many of us Would Really know how to be Faithful if we were that Lucky to meet the One.

    1. I totally agree with your Statement
      Married Men that cheat…. are “Pathetic losers” for reals….
      Couldn’t have said it better then that….
      I’ve had it happen to me and its HEART BREAKING completely……..

  5. I am recently facing the infidelity of my husband. We had been separated when he went to another country, one we visited on mission trips frequently, and hooked up with a young woman we recently meet. He convinced our adult children that he was justified in what he did because of the way I treated him throughout our marriage. I have many friends who know better and that he is not justified in his actions. But the fact that my children believe him is extremely hurtful. He came back from his indiscretion expecting to be treated as if nothing happened and that no one in our small town should know about what he did. He always plays the victim and I am left abandoned. I am so anxious for the divorce to be over and for him to be out of my life. I know he will always be around because of our children and grandchildren but just to have him out of my sight will be a relief and I can move on.

    1. I had NO idea he was cheating everything I thought was prefect. No arguments always smiling and having fun. lots of I love you’s (lmao). But his phone was constantly flashing and one day I just had to see who needed to speak with him at 2 am . He had fallen asleep downstairs and his phone was on the bed. Needless to say I got the shock of my life. I contacted one woman and advised her I had seen all of her pictures and videos she had sent him; We chatted for almost 5 hours and she spilled the beans and told me there had been 5 more before her . She even sent me all of the VERY graphic pictures of he and the other women. There was no doubt WHATSOEVER . if you know what I mean. he denies it to this day.. its not him lmao .. I just found out mid April 2016. We’ve been together almost 20 years

    2. Amy, I can tell from your words that you had decided to become disconnected from your husband, if you ever were connected at all. This is most likely why your husband had the affair, but you won’t stop and consider it. Imagine for a moment had you made more of an effort to connect with him so he would have no reason to cheat. Do you really think you could not have tried any harder? I doubt it.

  6. It’s hard to read so many cheating stories. Thank you for sharing this. Interesting reading what the motives are for men who cheat.

  7. No spouse can drive their partner to cheat, cheating comes within the cheater. I have been married 24 years. When I met husband it did not seem to me he was interested in me, did not show his interest and I would ask him about his feelings. I was the one initiating sex which again I did not understand but he had a number of excuses. This never did change. I was the one always trying to pull him into the marriage. No hand holding, no “I love yous” but he claimed he was wounded and I thought I had what it took to help him regain trust.

    His passion was porn and seeking other women for attention. When he had his first emotional affair which was in the first year of marriage I was crushed. he said that I didn’t like his jokes and she did. Second emotional affair that might have been physical (he did not admit) was when I was pg with our child. he claimed it was a friendship but I could see it was more than that. he wanted nothing to do with anything at home, spent his time watching TV and doing crossword puzzles, watching porn after I went to bed.

    Third lady came along and this was at the height of his behavior. He was IMing women, watching porn, one of my daughters walked in on him viewing a strip show on the internet, went to a brothel in Holland to drink beer (?) which I found out about thru coworkers who thought it was funny, he was chatting up lady #3 and eating chocolates on her desk which he would have to replenish, took her to lunches. What was I, the person at home caring for the children, cooking the meals, trying to make a family life and trying to please him but he was caught up with his fantasy life. So I guess my marriage falls in that 12%

    We talked, we had marriage counseling but what he wanted from me was sex and he wanted me to accept him and that he felt this was just what men do and I was supposed to be okay with it. I have filed for divorce.

  8. This article is so right. Whether it is men cheating wife or women cheating men, the reasons are the same for most couples. This article has discussed in detail how we go wrong with our relationship.

    I’m now divorced after finding out my ex’s illicit relationship. I don’t blame him though. Six months after our marriage, we started talking less. But he took good care of my needs and the house. After a year, we were more like acquaintances. That’s when I realized there is something seriously wrong in our relation. I began to feel he was lying to me, to be out till late at night. I started suspecting him of any out of marriage relationship. Since I did’t want to ask him directly I consulted with a private detective agency.

    And they found that my ex was having an affair. They said He used a fake facebook id to chat with her. I understood why he stayed up late at night. That very night I told him this. He opened up to me. He said he loved me but he was not contented with our intimate life. He said he first used fake id to get help how to improve our physical relation, but later he fell in love with a girl, well, who satisfied his desires. I was shocked and broken. I left to my parents home next day. And now we are divorced. I don’t blame him though. I should have asked. I should have known before things got to that.

  9. Whether one believes in the institution of marriage or not, if you decided to get married, then you walked down the aisle or you traveled to a justice of the peace, or you found and hired a makeshift priest, shaman, or a sometimes preacher and cabinet maker, etc., or whoever, and said SOME TYPE OF VOWS.  You got married.  Usually, no one puts a gun to your head now a days, and you can run away from intimidation in today’s free world societies.  Point being that you weren’t FORCED by someone else to marry, not in America and not in 2016.  If you were forced into marriage under duress, the marriage is null and void.  

    So this basically means, if you chose to get married, it follows logically that when you cheat on your HUSBAND OR WIFE, you are breaking your promises or VOWS, which you said willingly and openly, usually in front of witnesses, to  your wife or husband.    

    Marriage is serious business; it is also a LEGAL contract in our society, which comes with certain rewards and responsibilities, including tax responsibilities, mortgages, and child support… and it comes with certain rewards such as joint land and other real property ownership, free and regular sex,  life insurance policies, joint bank accounts, children, etc.  It’s an institution which has been around for a long time.  Whether you accept marriage as valid in today’s world, OR NOT, is no longer a debatable issue AFTER  you have freely and willingly decided to marry another.  Here  are some  beliefs people have regarding marriage and whether or not they think it is valid or not in today’s world…like I said, not that this matters much AFTER you’ve decided to marry, but you might want to think about some of these BEFORE you decide to marry.     

    Bottom line is this:   if you’ve cheated on your wife or husband, you know—that person you said the marriage vows to—you broke those sacred vows, or at the very least ( if you were standing at the altar of marriage saying the words with no intent to honor those vows…with no belief in God, no belief in the universe, no belief in the importance of the the person you professed to love on your wedding day), you did SAY some type of vow(s) in front of your future partner, and again often in front of witnesses, who had every reason to believe you were sincere.  So if you CHOSE to cheat ( no one is forcing you), you’re a liar and a cheat…or you’re so immature as to believe that Vows don’t really mean anything….so you’re still “emotionally” 5 years old…which is also very bad.  Or you are a psychopath or a narcissist, also very bad.   We can rationalize it all we want, but if you’ve cheated, you “done wrong,” and you know it. You will justify your affair any way you can.  And “the hurt” you cause will have LOOONG- Term effects, even generational effects.   You may get away with it for a while, maybe for a long while, if you are a fairly intelligent and a polished narcissist or psychopath, but it will eventually catch up with you.  (Yes, some women, and men, are idiots and will believe anything their cheating spouse’s tell them, but it will all eventually be found out.  May take years, but it will eventually come out.) 

    Don’t feel badly and beat yourself up over this if you are the wife of a man who has maintained a long affair with a woman or two.   Society WANTS you to believe it is your fault. Society WANTS you to self-blame and to seek out help to change yourself…after all, you were such an “awful wife” that you drove your poor husband into her loving, waiting arms.  You should have done more, and more.  You should have done this or that.  You should have known.  “You idiot; you deserve this.  You are damaged and flawed.”  What a load of crap!  

    IMHO, you should have your own money….in your own account somewhere in your name.  (This is true for both men and women.) You can have a separate account for the household.  You should have an equal say in everything in your marriage, including decisions related to how the household money is spent.  

    Remember that all marriages will go through hard times.  Your marriage is not immune to life’s difficulties.  All a no-good human needs is a “reason” to run from the marriage and cheat when times get hard.  You want a person of good character by your side as you walk down the rough roads of life.   Running to sex outside the marriage solves nothing and creates so much more hurt and pain than the original problem.    We have enough hurt and pain in life as it is.  Remember, this type of person is a coward because he, or she, cannot be honest with his/her spouse or self….and he always has an accomplice.

    1. I married a man that cheated on me 3 times in 5 years and an addiction to porn. Last night he told me that he wants to stay married and he doesnt want a bombshell by his side because other men would want her but it doesnt have to worry about that with me. Im 10 years younger and average looking but with the lies, affairs, and addication how much more could he do to completely destroyed me? He blames me for all of his actions, and I have only turned down sex twice in 6 years, that was a good reason to step out. Im his 4th wife. I thought being with an older man he would be more mature and mindful of actions and reactions. But no. I told him he has been unable to perform in the bedroom when he doesnt leave women and fantasies alone. I think he rather make love to his hand than me. Doesnt men understand ecen watching porn make us feel in adequate as a women regardless of what we do, also they are getting off on not just the women or girl in the show but also on the males body parts. That is disgusting to think my husvand enjoys watch a couple having sex and he is getting an eye full of the man as well. He doesnt believe its part of a gay fantasy but i beg to differ. Tge way I see it if i cant satisfy your every need…get out of my life, there has to be someone that would love and respect me. He doesnt satisfy any of my needs as a husband but i dont step out in any way. My heart is broken and i feel so ugly i feel as though im not good enough for him or anyone else. I need advice on how to survive tge pain.

      1. Pray and find others. I am there too and am an at home mom with nowhere to go. It hurts so bad and all I can do is beg God for strength and a way…

    2. Beth,thank you for your insight. I am overwhelmed at how accurate your comments are and how relavent they are to me.
      You are right …..vows are meant to be respected no one put a gun to their head and yes there were many witnesses. Unfortunately once they cross that line either guilt sets in and they might show remorse or they are a psychopath or narcissist and continue to convince themselves they need to speak to woman…..emotional affairs are the cruelest because they seek to undermine everything that is pure, sincere and just.
      Thank you again I feel stronger to move on and deal with a new life.

      I am unsure of my future path but I deserve to be treated better than I have been in the last year.


  10. Hi,
    I saw this site as I searched for answers to my situation. I have been with my fiancee for over 2 years, living with him for over a year. I suspected infidelity…keep in mind this is a man who is straight, has always treated me well and our sex life is great! EVERY DAY! I found that he answered a craigslist ad to have sex with a married man! I am angry, hurt, distraught- and wondering how this could happen- when we have been so happy together from the very start. I have many gay male friends, so I am not a judgemental person- but this is the love of my life! Why would he cheat with what appears to be another straight man? I am unable to confront him- although we do not fight, I have seen his temper and I am afraid to say anything. I can not tell anyone, this is humiliating- and he has children from a 20 year marriage- this would destroy them and I can’t do that to his kids, I love them too. I feel so alone, trapped- I can’t breathe, I actually thought about killing myself as I am trying to act “normal” and it is tearing me to pieces inside. How could he do this to me? He’s always making jokes about gay and bi men…..he’s such a man’s man! How is this possible, what do I do? I’m afraid of STD’S, HIV…My trust is shattered, my heart is broken, yet I still love him with all my heart. I don’t know what to do. This is shameful for me, and if this were to get out- it would destroy his life, too. As angry and hurt as I am- I can not do that to him. I’d be upset if he were cheating on me with a woman- and would have been gone already. Why can’t I deal with this? What do I do? Someone please help me….I don’t know how much longer I can take this pain.

    1. Do not get married to this man. Sit and talk to him. Trust God that he can direct your steps. He has already done this and he is just your fiancé. Now as far as cheating with a woman, he could be a man and apologize and realize what he has done wrong and learn to be a man to you. But being that this is a man he cheated with I would highly recommend you leave. Some things you cant change, he will have to change. He put you in grave danger by not telling you he was sleeping with a man and what other men may he have dealt with? Some habits are hard to break. Its not like he was away in jail or even you, to say the least. I can’t see why he hurt you like this. Read the Bible and become familiar with God’s love and STAY ALIVE. Don’t kill yourself. Surround yourself with everything that empowers you and you will find strength to go on, and to love again one day, but the right man. If it’s not for you then understand that this may be God’s way of telling you that. He may have someone more special, more kind, with a better temper and better love waiting for you, and you have to be strong enough to trust him. Lean not on your own understanding. Trust in God and he will direct your steps. Let me know how things are going for you. Love you girl. Stay strong..you have me routing for you. Weeping endures for a night but joy cometh in the morning.

  11. BS on all of this article! Men cheat because they are covenant breakers, promise breakers, don’t value their wife or their children and worship their own dicks. Later in life they lose their mind to dementia because they lose their ability to have an and when you think with your p and lose it, the mind shortly follows.

  12. Breathing the Fresh Air

    Victoria, take heart. I have been watching all the communications between my lying, pice of sh** husband for a year now, with his who** of a mistress, also married. The truth is, they ARE meant for eachother. Neither being willing to be accountable in a real relationship, both happier to lie to the affair partner to feel better, both thinking this is a real relationship because the emotional high is so strong. A “real” love is one in which both parties are willing to give and to work. I am waiting to leave for a bit longer to address some family issues in play. But the date I serve him papers is on the calendar. If your husband is cheating, they deserve eachother. Let her have him, grab a good seat, and watch the chaos ensue. She really thinks he is so amazing and telling her all true things when he is lying to his wife? Well of course, SHE is different; SHE is special, after all. So delusional. Karma always rolls full circle. Dump the idiot. There are good men out there; let her have your imposter. She deserves him :))

  13. Jolene (It’s an old, old story, isn’t it?)

    By: Dolly Parton. (I just love her.)

    “Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
    I’m begging of you please don’t take my man
    Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
    Please don’t take him just because you can

    Your beauty is beyond compare
    With flaming locks of auburn hair
    With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green

    Your smile is like a breath of spring
    Your voice is soft like summer rain
    And I cannot compete with you, Jolene

    He talks about you in his sleep
    There’s nothing I can do to keep
    From crying when he calls your name, Jolene

    And I can easily understand
    How you could easily take my man
    But you don’t know what he means to me, Jolene

    Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
    I’m begging of you please don’t take my man
    Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
    Please don’t take him just because you can

    You could have your choice of men
    But I could never love again
    He’s the only one for me, Jolene

    I had to have this talk with you
    My happiness depends on you
    And whatever you decide to do, Jolene

    Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
    I’m begging of you please don’t take my man
    Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
    Please don’t take him even though you can

    Jolene, Jolene”.

  14. Oh, and one last thing: if my married lover’s wife had ever really used her head she could have easily found out about us. We mostly communicated through his work email but we texted and talked on his cell phone often – when he drove home from work, late at night. All she ever had to do was diligently check his cell phone records. I’ve often wondered if she just didn’t want to know or didn’t care.

    1. You sound so proud of yourself. She TRUSTED her husband – exactly what a spouse should do. He exploited that trust. You are evil.

  15. As someone who’s been the other woman in an affair that’s lasted a decade and is now finally ending, I can tell you – some affairs truly are love affairs. I will love this man for the rest of my life and I will never regret all of the times I’ve been with him, the hundreds of memories we made together, and the THOUSANDS of emails we’ve shared over the years that are, literally, our love story. I wish our relationship could have been different but our timing was always off. I was married when I met him, at a time when he and his then-fiancé had recently broken off their engagement… I wanted to be with him but I was young and scared to leave my husband with two small children. He decided to go back to his estranged fiancé from NJ (we’re both from little towns in southwestern PA, something the fiancé who became his wife could never really relate to). He and I stayed in touch occasionally at that point – I finally divorced and became involved in another relationship with a wonderful man and never saw my former lover during this time, from about 2004-06, even though he began to pursue me again, much harder. He was so unhappy in his marriage.
    And then my life changed overnight when my partner died in an accident at work. I was devastated and could barely function for a year… But then I reconnected with my former lover and he literally brought me back to life. He was still married and still struggling to accept a childless marriage that he didn’t sign up for with a wife who continued to beat him up for her problems and, because she is so insecure, refuse to talk about alternatives like adoption. He really is a good man – not ALL men who cheat are narcissistic monsters – and he did (and still does) love and care for his wife (who despite the bratiness and selfishness does sound like a good person overall – I almost feel like I know her because I know so much about her and her family). I understand that she has health problems and struggles emotionally with her infertility issues. And when she laid a guilt trip on him at that time, he stayed. I was devastated, he was devastated – we both cried and I know that he was so torn and hated hurting me but he also couldn’t bring himself to hurt her, especially considering her struggles. As it turned out, though, we ultimately couldn’t let go of each other and started seeing each other again about a year later and we continued to do so all the way until up now, 2016. Fortunately for him, after years of her dictating the terms of their life and marriage, she finally agreed to adoption a few years ago… they very unexpectedly were able to adopt a beautiful little baby boy and, for the past 3-4 years I’ve watched my lover finally find genuine happiness at home in becoming a father… I was with him at his house (she was with her family) two weeks or so before the chance to adopt suddenly came up and at that point he was still struggling with his decision to stay with her. Their little boy ultimately changed that because now he couldn’t imagine life without his son and, for the first time in almost ten years, he doesn’t need to lean on me as he did for a long time (and I did with him). My point is that affairs can be long and messy and filled with love and confusion – they surge and wane for many different reasons. I have long wondered if his wife, on some level, knows that he’s loved someone else for years.
    Infidelity definitely takes two, in this case my married lover and me, but he wouldn’t have strayed if she hadn’t been such a brat and just LISTENED to and LOVED that man. He and I are finally closing the book on our affair but it’s not because of her – it’s because of his son and because he now knows that he likely won’t ever divorce now and it hurts him to hurt me and not be able to give me the actual relationship that I deserve. I’m heartbroken, I admit, because I would have loved to have been with him forever and to have given him all the babies he ever dreamed of. But I genuinely love him and would never threaten his happiness and the amazing love he has for his son.

    1. I had read your article about why married men cheated on their wives ….and you gave your own reason that this married man lover of yours CHEATED ON HIS WIFE.. BECAUSE HIS WIFE WAS SUCH A BRAT !!! YOU CAME INTO HIS MARRIED LIFE WITH FULL CONSCIENCE THAT YOU HAD WILLINGLY AND INTENTIONALLY COMMITTED FULL ADULTERY WITH HIM !!!!


  16. Hi Sara,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing your experience with your marriage. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and that you feel stuck and helpless. I hear your pain, and I wish I had magic words to make things better!

    Giving advice isn’t my strength, so I can’t tell you what you should do. However, I have recently written about this type of problem. You might find this helpful:

    How to Win Him Back by Recreating Yourself

    And, here is a list of national resources and hotlines that provide anonymous, confidential information to callers. They can answer questions and perhaps even give you advice.

    If you’re not in the US, there might be resources in your country. I encourage you to reach out and talk to someone in person, so you can get the best possible help and support.

    Phone Number: 800-442-HOPE (4673)

    Mental Health America – For a referral to specific mental health service or support program in your community
    Phone Number: 800-969-NMHA (6642)

    National Alliance on Mental Illness – Provides support, information, and referrals
    Phone Number: 800-950-NAMI (6264)

    National Domestic Violence Hotline
    Phone Number: 800-799-SAFE (7233)

    National Sexual Assault Hotline
    Phone Number: 800-656-HOPE (4673)

    National Suicide Prevention Hotline
    Phone Number: 800-273-TALK (8255)

    Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
    Phone Number: 800-826-3632

    I hope one of these organizations is able to give you the help you’re looking for. May you find peace, courage, strength, and healing as you move forward.

    Please do come back anytime, and tell me how you are.


  17. I forgot to say in my last comment that the women I strong suspect lives in the flat above us. My husband works from home and she a full time mum and doesn’t work. Since I’ve confronted him he’s shown no guilt, remorse, willing to change, been more open. It feels like I’m making all the changes.

  18. My husband and I have never really had an easy relationship. He spent the first year avoiding commitment with me because he wasn’t ready to settle . He spent time with other women which I had to accept because he said from the start he didn’t want a relationship. I stayed with him because I loved him and thought it was worth the wait. It was worth the wait and a year later he said he was ready to commit. 6 months after that he proposed to me. So it all happened very quickly , it was intense but we both loved it. We were happy. Once engaged the problems started as my family were not happy with my choices. We ended up having a long engagement while I tried to make my family understand. They finally came around although a lot of damage and resentment was caused by waiting so long. We are now married , living together, no children both 36 years old.

    I was convinced my husband was having an affair. After 2.5 years of marriage I decided to get a bugging device in the house so I was able to hear who he was bringing into the house. I started to hear a women coming to the house everyday. I could hear them talking and her mocking me saying I was boring wife. I then confronted my husband about what I heard and he denied everything and said it was all in my head. The arguments got worse and we decided a divorce would be the only option . I quickly decided I didn’t want a divorce and begged my husband back. Since we’ve been back together the problems are still there. I still have the house bugged even though I have told him I’m not anymore. He’s still having the affair and I’m constantly in tears. I feel like I’m on the verge of a break down but I don’t know how to stop it or get my husband to tell me the truth so we can start working on our marriage. We’ve tried everything but nothing helps.

    I’ve tried to be the perfect wife to remind him of the good times. I’ve tried to be distant so he can miss me. Nothing gets an emotion out of him. All he seems concerned with is spending time with her. I have seen a picture of her and shes definitely not his type or that pretty. I’m sure he just wants something different. He said he wants our marriage to work and he’s happy with everything other than me constantly accusing him about affairs.

    I really need some advice as I don’t think this affair will stop, he won’t tell me the truth nor will he end the affair. This girl lives so close to us and it just hurts to know every time I leave for work she’s in my home. I want this marriage to work and I could continue not knowing the truth providing the affair stopped.

  19. Geoff has it right. In some men, my husband of over three decades included, it happens just as he describes. As the wife of a man like Geoff, I can say that it is probable his wife knows what he does, she just looks the other way for whatever reason makes sense to her. Men like Geoff think they are fooling their wives, but instinctually, wives know. Even if you catch them in an affair, causing incredible pain and damage, and they admit it etc. they will return to cheating, they’ll just cover their tracks better. Women do stay with men like these, and not because they think they can’t do better, or because of lack of self esteem, but because they truly love the person despite their flaws and they accept his lack of fidelity in exchange for other things they view equally important. Everything in a marriage is not sex. Sex is only one part of a marriage. Women hate to hear things like this, they think it’s a doormat mentality. But staying with such a man is a conscious choice that is just as valid as leaving one. A woman who stayed with a man that cheats habitually is doing so after having weighed things very carefully and has decided there’s more on the side of staying than on the side of leaving. At least, for the time being.

  20. My husband is one of the 12%. He is a narcassist. We are both in our seventless and i now know he is a serial cheater. And mostly with women he has had some sort of history with, be it high school class mate, work colleague, our home builder’s staff, and now our realtor.
    I found out many things three years ago, including the fact he married me because he couldn’t have the one he wanted. And he was afraid he would end up with no one. So he decided he needed someone who would take care of him. Like his mom.
    Now, you may ask, why did it take so long for you to find anything out? Narcassism is the worst personality disorder to diagnose. These people are very good at manipulating the other person Into thinking sometimes she is the most important person in the world to this man and sometimes thinking she is tbe one to blame for everything wrong, but mostly for his insecurities.
    Now that I have read much about this disorder, many behavior patterns fall into place. I am still researching. Couples help is out. This disorder is the only one where the patient is ignored and treatment given to those around the narc.
    It’s not only men, although they represent the larger mass. My mother was a narcassist.

  21. I have been having an affair, and now i want to end it, the challenge is that she is pregnant now. I am confused i don’t know what to do, I REALLLY REALLY REAALLY LOVE MY WIFE, i don’t wanna lose her please help, i don’t know why men cheat

    1. I have been having an affair, and now i want to end it, the challenge is that she is pregnant now. I am confused i don’t know what to do, I REALLLY REALLY REAALLY LOVE MY WIFE.

      This isn’t going to end well.

  22. I found out that my husband is cheating on me. I am 7 months pregnant and I confronted him. Instead of giving me a straight answer he broke his phone and my face. Until now I still have bruise on my left eye. He said that he was just chatting with her and she is just his colleague but I saw her messages that she missed my husband and he missed her too. I dont really know what to do bcoz he told me he is working for our future and he doesn’t want to lose me or his daughter but I found out more chats in his skype. And one time he even called me their endearment that angers me more. He even asked me to choose if I will stay with him or not. Does it mean if I dont he will choose her over me? He is working far and we just see each other every 6 months. Im not even sure if he is telling the truth that they dont have sex bcoz I can’t trust him again.

  23. My husband cheated twice. First time when i was 7mo. Pregnant and found out by looking through his phone. He met her in classes he was taking at the time and claimed that she needed help with her own marriage and things got out of hand and escalated into something else. He blamed men for it, and I brushed it off thinking that it was my fault because I was no my self during my pregnany.
    I tried everything i could to forget and forive and to improve but Two years later he has cheated for the second time with another woman he met online. Apparently i cought it pretty early on because i recognized the signs from the previous time. This girl was young pretty thin and everything i wasnt . This time is was really flirty and it hurt me to find out i tried keeping quiet and seeing where he would take it but once it was getting serious I confronted him and showed him my evidence he still blamed me and im so hurt. I am struggling to trust him and to forget what happend and to forgive. Our marriage is torn. I now have no self esteem due to being faulted twice.
    Infidelity is truly a game changer in marriage and its true that i ended up grieving what i once saw in my husband to the point where i feel like im grieving the death of my husband.

  24. Hi all. Just looking for some advice I guess. I have been with my fiance for nearly 10 years. Anyway we currently have a 2 year old and a 9 month old. When I was pregnant with my 2nd child me and my fiance never slept together after i got to about 4 months, however, this was the same when I was pregnant with my 1st. When I was about 7 months pregnant with my 2nd child I asked him to sleep in the spare bedroom as I couldn’t ever sleep at all and was always keeping him up too (he works very early shifts). He was fine with this. Then he went on a golf weekend which he goes on every year. He then started to act differently…go to bed very early…Always had his phone…go out every night, just to the shops even when we didn’t need anything. I started to get suspicious so checked his phone…He had changed his password to where he had been on his golf weekend and I got suspicious when he started telling me he was doing overtime and these were late shifts so one night he told me he was in work. When I checked…He wasn’t. He told me he just wanted a day to himself so I let this one go anyway it happened again and then we started arguing a lot due to this and then one day he told me he was on a late shift the next day. I told him I didn’t believe him. We had a massive argument and he promised he was so before he went to work the next day, I checked the mileage on the car…when he returned the car had clocked 360 miles. The place he’d gone on his golf weekend was about 170 miles away so the numbers would near enough add up to there. He told me he was just driving around all day. We had a huge row I asked him if he still wanted to be with me…Our baby was 6 weeks old at this point and he said he didn’t know what he wanted. I tried to talk to him and tell him how much I still wanted to be with him and how I’d stop checking, I guess coz I was feeling very vulnerable and still loved him. Anyway a few days went by he expect ed me to be completely fine with him while he was making his decision. Anyway I just couldn’t take it anymore and flipped and screamed at him and told him well I’ve made the decision and told him to get out, it’s over. He then told me how sorry he was and he did want to be with me and he promise s he’ll never hurt me and promised that he never did cheat. This I still don’t believe. Anyway I accepted this and his behaviour did completely change…He let me look at his phone whe never I wanted..He stopped going out every night kept telling me how much he loved me and always maintains he never cheated. However i only think he tells me he hasnt cheated because i think hes convinced id leave if i knew he had cheated. His behaviour is now the same as it always was before he went on his golf weekend and our relationship is great. He now wants me to get pregnant again when our baby turns 1. We always wanted to have 3 children and for them all to be close in age so this would be our last. However I am so scared to put myself in this position again. Also I’m scared that he only wants me to get pregnant so he can have his last child with me and then he’ll leave me for this other woman and i do not want to be a single mother age 29 to 3 very young children. I know it sounds stupid to think this would be why he wants another baby but I am really struggling to get past this.

  25. I like Lodon and Geoff’s comments about why men cheat. I think they hit the nail on the *#@* hmhm! My now ex bf cheated for the second time around with a female who was fighting with her bf claiming he cheated. Whatever, like a man needs a reason. Anyway she went back to the boyfriend. Now my ex-bf is calling trying to manipulate me back in. I never give a cheater a second chance, mainly because I am very direct and clear about where I stand and ask the key questions to find out his claim of stance.

    There is no reason to cheat, only excuses to try to cover up your lack of control and because deep down you know you are a cowardly little boy trying to convince everyone that you are a big boy. My ex is H.I.V.+ and is out there hvg sex with anyone he can (unprotected) he is bi and does any kind of sex he can get. My ex gets so angry and hurt and pissed off if he thinks I am cheating or if another guy even looks at me.

    1. I discovered my husband was cheating on me by taking his phone, only to find a woman’s picture, the time the affair started. I called the woman and she denied everything. I confronted my husband he denied the affair. I exposed my husband and the woman to my church elders and they have since broken up. The woman no longer comes to church. My husband has lost his dignity and his image has been dented. Now they both know how it feels to be hurt, betrayed and put to shame. They are taking accountability for their actions. I wanted to divorce my husband, threw him out the house but he refused to go. We have since reconciled, he is trying to save our marriage so badly. He now really is showing remorse for his sins. He lives under the constant fear that I will or I am cheating on him. I would not solve his wrong doing by doing wrong myself. I asked him to go for an Aids/HIV blood test and he is avoiding our appointments with last minute cancellations. I agree fully – How do you forgive a CHEATER, someone who cannot be trusted who undresses and has unprotected sex with anyone anytime, being in a committed relationship or marriage – coming up with excuses to cover up their uncontrollable lust for SEX.

  26. I like to comfort NORMAL women and NORMAL men who are been cheated by their partners and spouses by considering and asking themselves MORE QUESTIONS INTO THEIR SPOUSES AND PARTNERS PERSONALITY BEHAVIORS!! Out of every 10 people in relationship…as high as 6 people ARE CONSIDER AS BORDERLINE NARCISSISTS !!!!!! IF YOU FIND OUT AND EXAMINE YOUR PARTNER OR SPOUSE AS A BORDERLINE NARCISSIST …..LET HIM OR HER GO !!!!!


  27. Once a liar and cheater, always a liar and cheater. You ladies are fooling yourselves. Men cheat with ugly women because they believe that most ugly women have self esteem issues and will settle for their bull crap just to feel loved. The lying cheating men don’t care who they are sticking just so long as they are sticking someone other than you and they will continue to do it be it for excitement, the pleasure of the sex, the different things done together with the other women, the rush, whatever the reason they are going to do it and keep doing it. You either accept that you have a lying cheating husband or boyfriend or you end the relationship. That’s your choice cause no matter what you do he will not change his ways, Guarantee you that.

  28. There are many reasons why someone might stray, but some men are just programmed by nature to chase the next sexual opportunity. Its nothing to do with loving your wife & kids or being happy in life. Even though you know the awful damage your actions would do if found out, its not enough to stop you when you’ve clicked with someone and the chase is on. I wouldn’t even call it an affair, its nothing more than a sexual liaison. In fact the best moment is just before anything physical happens, when you know you’ve won the chase. Often the actual sex is disappointing, and the desire to ‘get away’ as soon as possible after the act is very strong. The guilt hits, for a few days you promise yourself ‘never again’. Then a flirty glance or comment happens with someone, and it starts again. And no one should kid themselves, I’ve never lied to any women (other than my wife) about my intentions or circumstances, its always been clear anything that happens is uncomplicated fun between consenting adults, and believe me for every time I’ve cheated (and its been a lot) there has been a willing women to cheat with. Married, unmarried, engaged, or single. I’ve no doubt men are worse, but there are no shortage of women also looking for ‘fun’. Hopefully in my case I’ve finally reached an age where the urges have subsided. I’ve managed to be faithful for the past couple of years and hope it continues. And somehow I’ve managed to avoid getting caught. But I know the reality is, with my genes, if the right person gave me the right encouragement, I’d probably do it again. There’s not always a deep phsycological reason why we cheat, sometimes its just in us.

    1. Geoff-” Often the actual sex is disappointing, and the desire to ‘get away’ as soon as possible after the act is very strong. The guilt hits, for a few days you promise yourself ‘never again’. ”
      Yeah, agree but…
      You have just chased down and had terrible sex with a woman (you got off quick, she got nothing) and left her high and dry forever.
      F the guilt about cheating. You just exploited a woman’s trust and body and gave her nor recourse after she she submitted to you. If women had this power and reapeatedly blindsided you like this for a lifetime(maniplulate you into sex for their gratification only, you never getting a nut) you would would be livid. Think you’re horny now? Can you imagine being teased like this a hundred times with no relief? THAT is what you are doing to these women you’re not supposed to be chasing.
      It’s not about you you you (I’m doing it! I did it! I fee guilty! Hey look I’m doing it again!) besides destroying your own good thing at home, you are ruining the other women’s lives too.
      Answer to all: You want to play, don’t get married. If you want to play after you get married, don’t be a chicken. Man up and get divorced. Now.

  29. Well I came on this page based on the questions in my head : WHAT IF.
    You know the saying, once bitten twice shy. My ex boyfriend cheated on me with several women but i decided to give the relationship a second go yet I couldnt have sex with him knowing that I’m SHARING him.

    So now Im thinking twice about my husband-to-be. I love him wholeheartedly, he knew my past, he understands me, and we are compatible in every way possible with one problem; Im scared. I hear so many stories on husbands cheating on the wife and I dont want to ever be in that position. I mean, getting him aroused isnt the problem & he’s satisfied in bed (FYI im 24 & hes 33). Will mens’ feelings start to fade after a few years in marriage despite me giving him attention?

  30. Ladies,
    this article is not correct.
    man cheat because they get strong sexual arousal from new woman,
    and yea evolution made man have multiple sex partners. Marriage not existed in caveman times. 1 Alpha caveman had half of females for himself.
    how prevent cheating?
    be submissive and make sure man satisfied in bed.

    1. I don’t know if you are who I think you might be, but if you are, wow I agree with you about being satisfied, but I slept with a married man while I was married. It was just sex for a long time. Til we fell madly in love. She found out, but we can’t stay away from each other. He won’t leave her and I know that and I am ok with it. I just want him in my life, and I don’t care how. It’s been 2 years, and he’s not one time ever been mean to me or fought back when I screamed at him. He has no legal obligation to me. none. But he won’t leave me. And I have been down right mean and nasty and hurtful. He’s never raised his voice. He helps me financially. I 100 % know that he loves me. I also know 100 % that he won’t ever leave her. His wife knows he cheated, but stayed. He still sees me at least once a week or more. I am convinced that we are soul mates, and will be to each other “the one that got away”

  31. Linda,
    I think you should tell his wife so both you and her can be tested for std’s. HPV especially. The same happened to me. I was lied to by my boyfriend and felt so betrayed. I got a nasty email and voice mail from his wife, much to my surprise. It was his vault not mine and the wife believed him. Why stay married if you life in such delusion. I was glad to find out before my family got attached to him. A leopard doesn’t change his spots and a zebra cannot hid its stripes.

  32. My husband cheated on me for 5 months. We’ve been together for 10 years now. Before it reaches 10 years, I did not know that he was cheating on me. I caught him by my own research. Since we have a long distance relationship, he came home 1 day for our daughter’s graduation (nursery). Before he went back to leave us again, I turned on the GPS in his mobile so I can at least track and just to find out if he is really telling me the truth. Then It all started . Found out that the place he told me is different from the location to where the GPS is saying. We have a family friend close to where he was living, I called for help so they can at least find it out for me but I got unexpected answers. They wanted me to come instead to see for my self and wanted my heart to get ready. During those moment, my heart and mind are crying because I know what that sign is, but they are not giving me straight answers. To make the long story short, My husband had an affair with our family friend’s sister (the wife’s sister). It crushed my heart big time knowing the fact that, that young girl (23 yrs old my husband is 34) knew that we are married, she know me, we’ve been together in a particular occasion. They said that they “already talked to their sister not to come closer to my husband because he is married man and that he lives alone in his house. He might be tempted because he is faraway from his family.” Those statements made me cry because they’ve already know their sister motives in the first place? As we all know, A MAN IS A MAN – If the food is the one coming to you why not eat it? So I confronted my husband and told him I will give him 2nd chance to renew his life and if he want to regain back his family, go home immediately. Not Later, not tomorrow, but NOW. He then leave everything and went straight home. Then I started to ask him. He said that he used the girl once and he knew that it was a mistake that is why he tried to get away from the girl. BUT the girl said she was pregnant and he was lost. He said to me there is no such thing that a girl can be pregnant if you only used it once. That’s why he made a own investigation, he went for medical check up and everything but he was not able to get the result because he transferred to another company. Aside from that, he kept asking the girl if the baby was really from him that lead that question to an argument. He wanted the girl to stick around because he wanted to wait the baby to come out from the womb so that he can have a DNA test because he is sure the baby is not from him. He said since the damage has been done, he used the girl for pleasure. He said he wanted to tell me as soon as he got the DNA result and prove that it’s not his own. He also said that he was too afraid to tell me that I might leave him and be gone forever. I really don’t know what’s the real reason but the fact that he leave the girl to save our family and that he wanted to change, live a new, I accepted him whole heartedly not because I accepted his reasons and okay with what he did, but the obligation that you promised from above during your vows. After all, everybody deserves second chances. This time, we’re trying to fix everything slowly. But like I said, this is ONLY A SECOND CHANCE. If he will do it again? it’s a different story.

  33. Personally, I have no idea why men cheat, but I would tend to think that in many cases it is brought on by lack of attention from their spouse… the feeling of being unappreciated. During my marriage (I am now divorced), not matter how much effort I put into helping my wife with the housework, kids, etc.. it was never enough; although she didn’t work. When it came to my wanting sex, or even just personal attention, she was always too tired or too ‘busy’. So imagine my surprise when I found out that she had been cheating on me for years with different partners. Why did she cheat? Apparently, because her friend was having affairs and had told her how much ‘fun’ it was… they used to get together and pick up men. “It was only sex”, she told me.. “It doesn’t mean I don’t love you…”. She had no reason to cheat, and admitted so to me, it was purely about excitement and her personal pleasure. Maybe men sometimes cheat for the same reason? One thing that I have noticed on here is the way that women seem to think that all men are cheaters by nature…. it may be of some surprise for them to hear that, by many accounts, women cheat more than men… they are just better at not getting caught. As for me, my wife is now my ex-wife, and I am in a much more wholesome relationship.

  34. I am one of the “other women”, but didn’t know that for 9 months. I was lied to and betrayed by a man who told me I was his girlfriend, lover, one man woman and I wanted it to be so. he pursued me with great effort and I rebuffed him for about a month then eventually yielded to his interest. We had a great deal in common and he was the type of man I wanted to spend my life with, I thought! He even offered total loyalty and marriage to me. He has a very stressful high security job and spends alot of time at work. I felt he was under appreciated and made every effort to make him feel trusted and valuable. His job didn’t give him very much credit even though he deserved it. He claimed he had been married and divorced 3 times and lived alone and was estranged from his daughter. He had been divorced and said his wives cheated on him and left him. I strove to be so unlike this for him. he called his ex wives the “monsters”. My question is why won’t he tell me if he still wants me or not (he has refused to answer on numerous occasions) and should I tell his wife. I am not the type of woman who would intentionally betray another woman and feel helpless and ashamed. What should I do?

    1. BTW I’ve had married men chase me for years, slowly working it, careful not to show their cards (married, etc.). What I can’t get over to this day is 1) Some men would believe I would suddenly hop into bed with them at the right moment for 2 minutes if they pretended to be “nice’ long enough (years!) 2) How long and how far some would pretend/deceive and to be a friend for that 2 minute moment. They did not care if I was marrieddivorcedfattallshortgorgeousfuglyacolleagueabossasubordinateorwhatever, etc. That never mattered. It’s inconceivable that anyone with a real-live family, a full time job and whatever else would invest so much time and energy into this nonsense to trap a woman for 2 minutes and then escape, never to be seen again. Yet, I’ve had this scenario happen and even more of these stupid attempts (when it’s gets down to the 2 minute warning, and you stop him for the last gropey time) many, many times and it always ends with him being POd and becoming your worst enemy overnight. 6 months, 2 years 3 years Gone with the Wind, just like that.Now I just assume they’re all married/attached (don’t enagage/ignore/evade) until they prove otherwise. The funny part is I never would even consider dating some of these guys anyway. I hid from several of them even longer before these “game phases”because of the regular reasons girls avoid odd men.

  35. BTW I have to say I really feel sorry and look down and women who go after their hubbies’ cellphone, emails and are like detectives behind their backs. I WAS NEVER LIKE THIS WHEN I WAS THE WIFE. Don’t you know guys that it will only make the guy get away even more from you? Men and nobody likes to be invaded. Whether he is or not cheating. Have some dignity and respect others’ space. What do you get from doing that? Calling the other woman and stuff? My GOD! that must be humilliating. I know my spot when I was the wife. I KNEW I WAS THE MRS AND A LADY. Why would I bother doing those things? I don’t know if my ex husband cheated but I am glad the way I behaved. No one is better than anyone else. You wives that behave that way ARE NOT BETTER THAN THE OTHER WOMEN. As I said before: LIFE IS NOT PERFECT. Sometimes the other woman can be better than the wife, sometimes not. It is just people for Christ’s sake! And I feel really sorry for those that believe you are better than the others. One day you are on one side, the other you are on the other end. Stop judging and look at your own behavior. If I was the husband of this crazy wife, I would have definitely left her. You are lucky men are not that brave. What do you think men will do after you do those crazy things?? He goes with the OTHER WOMAN YOU HATE SO MUCH and tell her: “look what this b*** did”… Is that how you wanna be seen?? Have some dignity women, on any side you are now.


  36. I agree with most of what this person says. I was the wife once, I got divorced. I had known somebody from long time before my ex husband. He was always THE ONE. And he happened to be married. We never really spitted. There was always this special connection and everything is true except ONE THING, I AM PRETTIER AND SMARTER THAN HER. EVEN MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN HER. Why he hasn’t left her? I have no idea, legal stuff, a daughter in common he adores, and most likely he is like many men, a coward, he knows things will change a lot if he finally gets divorced. I don’t know if she’s that mean, but we do have friends in common and we all know she is not good with him (i am not the classical Other woman that believes everything he says, but hey in this one everyone knows her a lot)

    Anyhow I dont think people can judge me. I’ve been on both sides, we’ve known each other for almost 10 years, this is not a sex thing, that is for sure. This guy is right about that one, it is mostly that men love to feel accepted and cherished. Most women (including myself) when we become the wives, we tend to go on the bitchy side, I sometimes believe that marriage is not for everybody. It often screws the realtionship.

    I know that he talks to me because he doesn’t talk w her. We have many things in common he doesnt have w her. We laugh, we hardly fight and we are always caring for each others’ lives “hey how is your daughter? how is yours?” “are you ok?” “how is work?” “are you tired?”

    It is a complex thing, I’ve tried to leave him many times and before you people ask, the reason for my divorce wasnt him. What im triying to say is, life isnt perfect. Sometimes we have a bond with some people that just cant be broken. I for instance tried to leave him last year, then after some months I dated a guy who broke my heart, I felt the urge to talk to him, cuz beyond whatever romantic affair, we are best friends! (i guess that is the clue) and i knew he would listen like no one else. Then I went through my contacts on chat and guess what? his status was my initials! it is like if we were somehow connected. I texted and he listened, he was there, like always, despite I sent him a very rough email to break up some months ago. he was there , and not for sex. Like I said, it is complex.

    I wont justify myself, but I guess this is something I cant explain.
    The thing is I am not in this statistics, I know it sounds cocky but I am really much prettier than the wife. (black humor) But it is true, and all the rest that the article says.

    Have a nice day haters/lovers

  37. I caught my husband cheating on me with one of his classmates her name is Isis. This bitch knew he was a married man but she did not care. I am glad I got several of their classmates phone numbers from my husbands cell phone one night at 3 am. while he was asleep. So I called them sure enough they told me about his and her late night hoop ups after class. Well to make a long story short, even the class mates where laughing because this bitch looked like a hunched back Shrek. The whore would hardly wear any clothing to class. Well when I finally confronted both peacefully ( Ps. I will not fight a woman for a man who obviously wants out of the marriage). They both had the audacity to lie. Well this is what I did. I quit my job and am now in college straight A’s so far for the last two semesters, I am exercising and on my way to getting in shape. I helped him get his bachelor’s only find out, he was telling the girls he was divorcing me as soon as he graduated. Well I am in school now working to wards my Masters. I will divorce him and don’t want him at my graduation.

  38. Found out 2 weeks ago he cheated. I came across it on a website he is always on.
    He was stupid enough to bring this married woman to my home and have sex with her in my bed and video tape it and put it on a website.
    I know who she is too. I brought this video to his attention and he has the nerve to say to me it wasn’t him. It’s not our bedroom. I’m crazy and I’m seeing things. I watched that video over and over second by second and each time I watched it I saw something that confirmed it even more. I have no doubt. I know his body. 18 years we’ve been together.
    I know his voice. He has tattoos and certain markings on his body. The same bed. Blanket. Mattress. Sheets. Pillows. Carpet. And everything under his side of the bed the exact same products. And shoes. Our kids names tattooed on his arms.
    And he tells me millions of men have the same things. Same tattoos. Same voice.
    I’m crazy. Im seeing things.
    I am not crazy and I am not stupid. This idiot will not make the effort to save our marriage. He won’t be honest even though I saw it!!!
    So I hope she still wants him and he wants her because I’m done trying to fix something he doesn’t want. She was his boss. I knew for a long time what he was doing. I asked about it.
    I didn’t break this. He did. And he can’t own up to his mistakes.
    Then I will no longer put forth the effort either.
    I will not allow my children to think it is ok to do this or have this done to them.
    They deserve better and so do I.

  39. I have been with my husband 5 years in July-August, married 3 years in June. I just found out two days ago that my husband cheated on me. I have always been the one in the relationship that gives more than I should. I know that I am attractive, and do what my husband likes in the bed-room….but his excuse is that its not enough sex for him, and that I am not aggressive enough. He is use to a take charge female….he wants me to always be the one jumping on him, and that is not me. I am tired of trying to change for someone who does no changing for me.

  40. Are you kidding me? Neuman says a cheating husband ISN’T the wife’s fault, but also says; “Neuman says men cheat because of:

    Loneliness in their relationship or marriage.
    Affirmation from “the other woman.”
    Not enough attention at home.
    The women men cheat with make them feel valued, secure, and appreciated. “Men love to win,” says Neuman. “If you want to make men feel secure, make them feel like they’re winning.” The husbands who had affairs said that they felt like they couldn’t win at home or in their marriage.”

    WTH? You tell us it’s NOT our fault but you tell us clearly that preventing a husband from cheating is up to us? No, cheating is a choice, and it’s NEVER THE RIGHT CHOICE, NO MATTER WHAT.

    If you wanna be single, be single. If you wanna be married, be married and don’t act like you’re single. Pretty darned simple if you ask me.

    It’s time to stop blaming the betrayed spouse for the stupidity, cruelty and bad character of the betrayer!

  41. Hi, I just stumbled on this topic and was curious how this turned out for you? My fiancé and I have been together for four years now and have had many discussions about why men cheat. Definitely not because the other woman is prettier or better!!

  42. I am celibate because of this. My husband and all of my boyfriends have never been able to be faithful so I gave up. A neighbor made the mistake of trying this with me and I outed him, so he sold his house and moved…3 blocks away. Really? That’s a pretty big life decision to make just to keep your “cheating stream” open for business, which he is still in of course. I’m not frigid…I jack off all the time. But the only men I meet are married men who want to cheat. It’s incredible. Why the hell did they get married? When I got married and planned to stick it out…he didn’t.
    It’s bad enough that these guys live next door to you, but bosses and other authority figures try this on me all the time. Even when you let it be known your stance they lunge at you in elevators. They trap you in offices. Last week the boss tried to take off my shoes and hump my leg in a meeting. Really? I’m too old for this nonsense. Don’t get married unless you plan to be faithful. Women, I’ve worked with all men during my lifetime and 90% of them cheat or would cheat. Even the religious ones, so don’t buy into that either. Professionals and academics are just as bad, just craftier. And then are the serial marriers. I know a woman who married 3X before she was 40. I know a woman who married 4X-to men and women. Why do they do it? They found the new one by cheating in the first place. It makes no sense at all.
    What POs me the most is that when married men do this it insults my intelligence and tests my judgement. I didn’t pursue men when I was married, so don’t judge me. At least I try to keep my pants on. I don’t want to hook up with married men. I want to date single men. I’m ready, but those guys are MIA. Or everyone is officially married and cheating at this point.

  43. I find this hard to believe. My husband keeps cheating on me but its me that has always been boosting his ego. Telling him he does a great job. He has paid me no attention for years. Not wanted to have sex with me. Would rather be drunk or too tired. This is heart breaking for us good wives that do give them men loads of attention

  44. Some of the 12% could be identified with having Madonna complex. Virtualist2k on here displays those traits.

    My husband behaved and said the same things when he finally confessed to multiple affairs. He says I’ve been a good wife, I’m attractive, and told the women he had no interest in leaving me.
    I never rejected him sexually. Quite the opposite. After myself being rejected numerous times, I found he would do things with girls he’d never do with me. I’d be put down for ever showing interest or even wearing lingerie, cause good girls, as I was labeled shouldn’t do these things.

    The more kind, loving and nurturing, the worse things got. I sensed our marriage was dissolving and tried to be the most supportive wife ever, showing him respect and love in so many ways. He decided to confess and leave me because, in his words, I deserved better.

    We reconciled our marriage after a separation. He is a wonderful husband and I’m glad things have changed. The fact that he does love me has spurred his goal to be the husband I do deserve. Love and sex should go together. He had developed the idea that sex was dirty but he’s able to work through this because he cares about me.

    Knowing why helped. It was really confusing to us both why he chose the type of girls he’d be with. He didn’t find them physically attractive, he didn’t want to trade me and he didn’t want a relationship. I can’t compare myself with them because it wasn’t their looks he was interested in. I admit it is still weird to me, that he’d pick an unattractive girl. He doesnt blame me or his aversion to sex for the affairs. We use this understanding to make things better between us.

  45. i guess iam the odd one out i had a brief affair with the most attactive girl i had ever seen.her looks were of a model.body fine too.but after her looks my style is to get to know someone 1st.whole live history,i have to be aware off only problem from the looks is my wife would turn a lot of heads,as the girlfriend.i ended staying with the wife,but ever so close to go with the pretty one,guilt did it in,so i wander about what ifs.

  46. My husband has cheated on me since getting together after being best friends for years. Cheated right before marriage too we have been married a year and a half. I’m just finding out about it through people who have seen him. And confessed they’ve known about his disgusting behavior. We got married and it was ok for the first 3 months. I tried to make him feel good cleaned cooked etc. Gave him everything he asked for. Even sometimes put my foot down and said no a couple of time . But over all his happiness has over ruled mine. And month 4 he started spending more time away. I got a job like he wanted after having our baby like hr wanted ciz he wants me gone and will give any excuse. He stopped touching me unless he is high or drunk which is maybe once every 5 month . I now only see him once a week. He never calls or texts unless he wants something. Like dinner ready when I’m gone for work. I’ve asked him if there’s something I need to know and he got angry and started accusing me of cheating.. He has been telling people I’m unfaithful as well. I’m always wrong nothing I do makes him happy. My existence pisses him off. He never loved me he just wanted a slave.. And because I can’t to everything at once the way he wants. And I’ve gained weight I’m no longer attractive and useful. I’m garbage he is taking out … The other night he came home 3 hours later than his later. He took a shower directly smoked pot and went to sleep. I hope the sex was good for him…. He talks about getting rid of me all the time but won’t actually give me divorce papers. I just don’t know what to do anymore

  47. Thank you for your thoughts on why men cheat! I hadn’t heard that particular analogy before, but it’s very creative. And sort of gross, which is how I see cheating to be, so it fits.

    I think they only way we’ll ever know for sure why a man cheats on his wife is if we have that man’s experience. Walk a mile in his shoes, that sort of thing. It’s so easy to judge and not understand as an outsider, but many of us who judge don’t know what it’s like to be in a struggling marriage.

  48. Cheating is like a dog getting fleas. Dogs will always have fleas. Foster or adopt a dog, a dog will get fleas. Even a pedigree dog in a mansion will get them. You can’t stop this from happening.

    When a dog gets fleas, you give it a flea bath and advantix over and over again. It stops the fleas from coming but ever so often, one will get on your dog.

    So if you can’t stop a dog from getting fleas, how can you stop a man from cheating/having an affair? You give him an emotional bath and prevent him from getting another woman and having an affair. He will see another woman ladies, he will, but at least you’ll know about it.

    You wouldn’t put the dog up for adoption over a couple of fleas, so why would you destroy your marriage over a couple of women? You fix it, again and again, until it become manageable.

    A dog is loyal to its master because they treat them right. You gotta treat your husbands right in order for his loyalty to grow. Fleas can’t kill that, but impatient owners and wives will.

  49. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Men cheat for a variety of reasons, and sometimes for no reason at all. Not feeling emotionally connected or physically intimate with their wives at home seems to be a common reason for cheating in marriage – and you don’t need a counselor to tell you that!

    My prayer for men who cheat, and for women who are devastated by the aftermath of cheating, is for healing in the marriage. You can reconnect even after you’ve cheated, if both spouses are willing to do the work it takes to rebuild your relationship. May you know if you should save your marriage, or walk away and start fresh. I pray for peace and faith, hope and joy – whatever you decide to do. Amen.


  50. Before marriage, we had sex a few times per day. Two months into our marriage it suddenly went to 1-2 times per month. I’ve talked about this for over 3 years. I try to be open about how I’m feeling about sex and what we can do… But I’m always turned down because she’s tired, it’s too early, tomorrow night, somebody called her, she’s got to shower. We have a son, but she doesn’t work or cook and I do the cleaning, laundry, yard work etc. I wake up about 3 hrs earlier than her to go to work too. Anyways, I used to sleep with a few girls at and around work and I’ve been testing boundaries and preparing to cheat without getting caught. I feel bad, but comunication has failed on this and I want to keep the marriage because of my son.

  51. My husband of 28 years who was older than me left me for an unattractive older woman who is and was the polar opposite of me. We had 4 kids and 3 grand babies at the time we adored. He was a porn addict constantly into women who look like “goddesses” yet has an affair with what he described in his own words to me ” an unattractive woman but I need her money to pay your alimony.” I’ll never understand it but did meet the greatest man I’ve ever know through it all. The signs of an affair listed in this article are spot on. He never put his cell phone down and I never distrusted him because I never saw it coming.

  52. Reading this stuff really makes me crazy. I would never want to sit with this counsellor just based on his comments about why men cheat or women for that matter! People cheat because they have a character flaw! they think the grass is greener on the other side and it will be for awhile until the problems you experienced with the partner you cheated on re-occur because they will. Until you look in the mirror and stop blaming a woman for not giving you what you want or expect. What are you giving her? I am a 52 year old woman and if I had a man who was thoughtful and thought about me trust me the sex would be amazing!! So tired of hearing why men cheat and what they are not getting at home. Mr. counsellor you really need to look at what you are putting out there!! Hopefully you don’t have a daughter because I am pretty sure she would be disappointed in her daddy’s advise when her husband cheats on her.

  53. Men cheat for different reasons. Some men just want to feel loved outside their marriage, and other men have other reasons for cheating. My husband cheated and blamed my weight for it.

  54. @Kingsley…what a man is supposed to do is be a man and sit down and have a conversation with his wife!!!! That’s part of the problem!!!! How would you feel if the roles were reversed and she had cheated on you?!

  55. Different men cheat for different reasons. I cheated because my wife stopped being interested in sex after she had our children. What else is a man supposed to do, I feel terrible but I want to be healthy and active sexually.

  56. The man I was in love with cheated on me and I caught him. Of course he made it seem like I was the one messing around…go figure right? He did it because he didn’t care about my feelings or truly love me. Now since he sees that’s it over, he’s tried for the last 4 months to get me back. But it’s not happening, you don’t burn me the way he did and expect that we’ll ever get back together. I believe that’s just a part of someone’s make up man or a woman. I don’t think it’s all about, well men need sex more than women or women are emotional creatures. If two people are in a relationship and they aren’t happy they need to talk about what’s not working and either part ways or try to make it better. My grandmother was married to her late husband for 20 years and he truly loved her. Of course they had problems like every relationship does, but he didn’t cheat on her.

  57. A man should take responsibility for his infidelity and work to overcome it. Yes, your wife may or may not have turned her back on an aspect of your relationship that is important to you. However, it’s on you to work your way constructively to see that your needs are met. Cheating is not constructive.

    And it’s deceitful, selfish, and a whole host of negative and ugly things that lessons who you are as a person and what you’re attempting to be as a person.

    I don’t think any of the reasons a man cheats, in this article or in the posts below, are “wrong”. I just don’t see them as adequate justification. I cheated on my wife and empathize with many of the things expressed here as possible reasons. Cheating, however, doesn’t match up with what kind of man I want to be and what kind of person I actually am.

    There’s no way around that in my mind.

  58. I agree, John. I would phrase it a bit more strongly though. After all, we don’t say that someone’s failing to meet their partner’s desire for fidelity. They’re cheating, stealing, lying. Those are strong words, that strongly assign blame. One can fail for any number of reasons, not always their own fault.

    If a woman shuts off sexually and doesn’t see it as a problem and doesn’t try to fix it, she’s not just failing to meet her husbands sexual needs. She’s cheating her husband out of his sex life. She stealing years of his life that could otherwise be satisfying. And the promise of being not just his wife, but his lover was a lie.

    Above, I say wife and husband, but it could just as easily be the husband who’s shut down and not meeting the wife’s sexual needs.

    Maybe some people cheat because they’re assholes, narcissists, psychopaths or whatever. Most of us are just human.

  59. My husband had affair with Taiwanese waitress who worked near his office. He swears not sexual but there were so many absences he’s never accounted for and reasons at time (5) years ago didnt add up. I was having a hard time with two teens at time and felt very unsupported, he later admitted he felt he had lost control as head of house so was opting out and later moved out. I stay with him weekends now and we holiday together. He’s happier in his own place and I give him lots of living attention at weekends and cope with my daughter in the week. My faith (Christian) and kindness of female friends helped me through. Suicidal at one point but over it now and reasonably happy. Unfortunately left me with huge dislike of what i perceive as migrant gold diggers – the woman flirted so blatantly with him (I found the texts on his phone) Issues I still have to overcome still like trust too.

  60. I don’t completely agree with all the reasons the author provided. I cheat simply because I want more variety in my sex life. During my teenage years, I always liked having a different variety of women in my life.

    I love my wife, but I’m not cheating because I want a connection with other women. I’m sleeping with other women because I am sexually adventurous. My wife fulfills me emotionally, she does everything a good wife should. I just want the physical stuff with my mistresses.

    We all have our different reasons to cheat, but I can assure you a lot of men cheat because they want to have sex with a beautiful sexy girl. It’s all a part of fulfilling our sexual fantasies.

  61. My boyfriend of two years suddenly started to become mean and judgmental. He no longer stood my Shortcomings and would point them out even if he knew how much they would hurt me.
    This started when I was going through a phase of minor depression from other factors, non of which I told him about even when he asked. He even once told me how his pal(who he was cheating on me with) tells him that he has a big ego.
    As much as his cheating is not justified, I realized that I rarely appreciated him and his little deeds, something I knew used to make him feel good.

  62. Women wear the trousers in the relationship a man won’t cheat.

    Conformity/ domination.

    Biology and evo- drives are unseen and easy excuses. If you’re brain dead and lap up anything!!! The former throw the latter excuse of male biology into the pan. We live like fishes in a sea of conformity. Ask yourself the answer what’s right in front of you. Is he an ass? Why’s he being an ass? No answer needed.

    Anyway don’t change for assholes or read articles telling you it’s right to.

  63. Hm.. my boyfriend got meaner, stoppier, turned into an arse when I stopped ‘putting out’. Coincidentally the same time I became dependent on his salary. Was is that I stopped putting out? I thought so. I put out, didn’t change a thing!!
    No, it’s cos I lost my job and was dependent on him. Soon as i got my independence, the same paying job as him ( i’m 22 years younger than him and threatened to leave if he didn’t change back to the way he was and continue putting me on a pedestal). Men cheat because they can! and make excuses for that cheating for the same reason.

  64. I am a member of a popular website for spouses looking to have affairs. I have personally talked to hundreds of men cheating or looking to cheat on their wives and I do NOT entirely agree with this article. The reason I hear most often is that men wanting the excitement, the butterflies, and the anticipation that comes along with NEW relationships…and new sex. Most do NOT want to leave their wives and especially do not want to be separated from their children. No, cheating is not right, but in the big picture of things, it just does not really seem like a big deal to me as long as the cheating spouse keeps the family intact and happy in the meantime.

  65. There are exceptions to the rule – but the biological reality is that men need sex at a greater frequency than women do.

    For whatever reason, women tend to meet the frequency demands of men before getting married. But once married, women find less reason to have sex with their husbands. Unfortunately for women, a man’s sex drive does not “go away” once married. Men see sex as a means to solidify an emotional connection. To show love. But they also need it from a simple, biological standpoint. Thus, men can separate love and sex.

    Sex with another woman will not satisfy the emotional connection a man is looking for – but it can satisfy his biological needs. Typically a decent man will attempt to listen to the reasons for why his wife has decreased the frequency of sex. He will attempt to meet the demands of his wife (whether this means helping more with the kids, helping more around the house, being there more emotionally for his wife, etc.). The unfortunate reality is that most men are already doing their fair share of these things, but the wife apparently requires “more”. Ironically this results in the man pulling most, if not all of the weight in the marriage.

    Once this occurs, and sex (whether emotionally fulfilling or only biologically fulfilling), is still limited or inadequate – the man will feel that his wife is not living up to her end of the marriage. This places the man in a very hard spot. He doesn’t want to hurt her, or his family, or his marriage – but his wife is failing him. Is it really fair to expect that a husband should endure a wife that consistently fails him as a partner?

    At that point it is likely he will cheat.

  66. Found out my boyfriend is cheating AGAIN. I am so over it and good riddens. Woo-Wee looking forward to not having a man in my life and just taking care of me and my babies.

  67. Emma , I read your concerns dont waste one more hour or minute with the loser, just dont, you have a career, as you say looks intelligence, move on, and meet that man of your dreams who will appreciate you..I hope you have done this…:)

  68. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    What scares me most about men cheating on women is that alot of wives have no idea their husbands are cheating. Is it because they don’t see what’s in front of them, because they don’t want to see it, or because their husbands are so “good” at cheating on them?

    I’m less worried about why men cheat, and more worried about not knowing. I don’t think my husband would cheat, but neither do any wives whose husbands cheat…

  69. Wow! Men find ways to make excuses for all men to cheat. Clearly if a man isn’t happy in his relationship, he should just end it and save his partner the pain and suffering instead of lying and cheating just to satisfy his own needs. It’s selfish and unhealthy! Besides karmas a b*tch and so is he if he can’t bean enough to be honest. If you love someone you have to communicate with that person. You try to work your problems out. If there is nothing to work out, then end it! Simple as that. Nobody’s perfect but when you lie your just adding more fuel to the fire eventually you will get burnt! Don’t allow yourself to get cheated on, nor cheat yourself ouy of your own happiness.

  70. Why do men cheat? (Or women).. because they assume they can get away with it in a culture that allows it.

    Culture, upbringing and how that culture punishes or admonishes cheating, determines the amount of cheating. If there’s no set boundaries, men and women can and will cheat. It’s just whether it’s found out.

    Women – kKnow what you’re getting into… A guy way above your league is probably going to at least enjoy getting a lot of attention from other women, even if he doesn’t cheat.
    An older guy who picked you up from school/ college when you were super young (like 16), and he was won’t be looking past a sell by date or into lasting attributes of your personality. Same with any guy with a player history. If he sees women, no matter what as 2 dimensional, then his interest and the relationship won’t be 3D. Know them all by type.

    Of course, cheaters don’t mean that the relationship or that person is bad. They can be faithful, never stray as a look at another girl – but beat you around and treat you like crap. Conversely, you can both cheat, but have an otherwise perfect relationship. Be honest. Both of you have to want to commit to the relationship.

    A maintained relationship is about communication. That’s so true, whether it’s cheating, or the love is fading or you’re just gettin on each other’s nerves. Communicate, that’s how you maintain it.

  71. Most men cheat because they feel inadequate or not emotionally connected. Some women cheat for this very same reason.
    Rarely do people change permanently. It is in their nature to cheat and it is important to accept that.

    I find the only time a person understands is when you divorce them and take their assets, or make them pay high alimony, or if they are socially embarassed.

    But why reform that person? Just thank God u know and walk away.

  72. Hi im saane and i am recently married..got married last year in August and i have two boys…We met through high school and til now we are finaly married and i think this has been 4 or 5 years now that we’ve been together…i have really depress moments with him and i cant help iit anymore he cheated on me so many times but i still forgive him for everything..now i just cant live with iit beacuse i think he is doing it again when he goes to course..i am only 20 and hes 19 we both young parents…i dont kno what to do at times beacuse we always arugue..its not the smae anymore and i dont feel him loving me so much..i miss him when hes away and i love him to bits is just that i dont kno if he has an affair with somebody else…i always have these problems with him but just cnt seem to fix it….i was happy withi him from the start and now i dont kno what to do please help me…not only that but i always try to commit sucide but i cant beacuse i love my kids..I just wish i kno where he goes kos we both dont have cellphones to contct each other…i want more advise to keep my marriage stronger..

    Thanks x

  73. Hi My name is Gloria,am a 21years old and have been in a strong relationship with a guy who is 27 from the age of 17,recently i found out he gets cosy with other girls and flirts on face book with each of them wishing he could have an intimate relationship with them.I confronted him once and he really i mean really got pissed off.So i keep quiet and decided to ignore and continue with life.Second he chats with my pals secretly and pretends that they are just saying hi and apparently the same pals don’t call me as often as they do call him.so i talked to a psychologist who told me to try and indulge him in a soft/non-confrontaional conversation but he still gets angry and later tells me he loves and all the sweet words.Later today i was invited for a cocktail party by a friend so we went,he started looking at the women around and finally settled for one,so when i went to say hi to a couple of friends and turned my head i found him flirting with the girl as close as 2inches away,so when i was going back i decided to let them talk.So he felt funny and stood up to add some more drink to his cup and texted me like ‘what the hell are you trying?’i was like i let u guys mingle in a honest way,so a few minutes later he called his male friend to chat me up,but i was not in the mood of chatting,so i sipped my drink slowly.After a few minutes he came and sat next to me asking me why my mood has changed blah blah blah.Later on i stood and went to add some drink and found the same girl seating at my spot and my boyfriend pretending to walk to the gents.I went and just smiled at him,little to notice that his male friend was there next to my boyfriend whispering to his ear that he got her number but i aint sure.so i made a joke to see his reaction.and said ooh you got her number,he burst into anger and started shouting at me in front of people and commanding me to say bye and we left.I was easy i dint take when we were driving home so when we got there,he just told me this relationship will never succeed,i still kept quite.We got into the house he is not talking to me.A few minutes later he receives a call and walks out to answer,when he got back i asked him who are you speaking to?he lies says no one then says you always think am lying i was talking to my friend at 2.00am.So now we are not talking to each other.I love him so much but it seems i don’t satisfy him.

  74. Virtualist2k- I’m sorry, but that’s horrible. What makes you think it is okay to cheat? Ugh, people like you just disgust me. No concern for other peoples feelings, no disreguard whatsoever. I’m only 14 and I have more sense than you.

  75. Well my man cheated several times with several women.it hurt like hell and drove me insane.but.I rubbed his nose in it like the dog he was.I made him tell all family and friends the truth.even the fact that he got herpes…regretfully something I also have to live with now because of him.I also made sure most the women suffered.one he had to call her husband and inform the man that his wife was cheating …another wouldn’t answer her phone but when her mother did. I was. Inform her what a home wrecking slut she was and was sure to also inform the girls boyfriend of three years I then made sure to put my name first on everything he owns.and made sure his check was directly deposited in my account.that way if he wants to break my hear again ill break his wallet and his reputation.because of him I have some for the restrictions of my life for better or worse baby it your choice what they live once they screw you over.

  76. A man doesn’t cheat on you because he doesn’t love you. Sometimes sex at home become routine and boring. Sometimes in my head I would wonder if I still got the fire. There are some fantasies you dont wanna do with the woman you really love, especially the mother of your children 😉 .. its better experimented on other women you have no emotional attachment too. Plus after trying to talk her into few things and she’s not willing – best is to get a sidekick for reassurance. It just get really boring but damn its better to be a smart cheat and never let her know. She’ll never really trust you anymore even though she pretends to now trust. You will lick the wounds forever and wonder if its worth it. You know the risk but the temptation is so irresistible. Plan your moves well. My friend has a secret cellphone number he leaves at the office desk. I think that plan is perfect too so the other girls can only call working hours. So no sms goes to real life phone. I tried it but I’m mostly a work at home guy; so that method is not for me. Its so hard for me to cheat these days too; as I’m more homely and when we go out we go together so I can only look and can’t touch! 🙁

    Best excuse now is hanging out with my friends. SO proactive method is to send sms at intervals and make calls when you can before she starts calling you herself. And always let the girls know you got a woman you love at home — maybe that can reduce the emotional tension and stress when you about to dump them. Wife is precious woman never let her know. I’ll be f*cked up if she really get to know what I’ve done in the 5years. Probably knock down 5 to 10 other women yearly or say 1 new a month. And I do not wish to stop. But maybe when the kids are above 18 maybe a divorce will be appropriate and I remain single for the rest of my life. So back to bachelorhood. Or maybe we just really reminisce so much about our bachelor days and still wish we can have both worlds.

    I’ve had a woman told me the only reason she is not sleeping with me is because she knows my wife; that’s was nice flirt.. so her friends too want to get with you. And only few men would reject indecent proposals as it where.

  77. Dear Alisha.

    i would like to advice you on this. i had somewhat similar situation as yours. i am in a relationship with a guy for 4 years. we love each other like anything. before our relationship he was sort of a guy who loved donig sex adventures. yes he used to call this as “ADVENTURE” so he did slept with few girls before we met. kept himself engaged with them for few months and use to have sex but that all he said was nothing but kind of thrill for him and he was never emotionally or mentally attached to anyone. then he met me and fell in love with me. his love started for me even though i did not get physical with him and yet our R/S begun to flourish. after some time we also got physical and it was out of pure love that we share that made us share our bodies too.i mean not the lust thing as for that he had other sources available.
    but in the begining years his ADVENTURE instinct was still alive and he slept with few random girls but good thing was he admitted that to me himself. he apologised and also asked me not to leave him as he cant survive without me and asked me to help him out to end this sex for just fun thing. Well as i love him and trust him and trust his love for me i didnt leave him because i understand here that some men do have this tendency to have sex with other women just for the heck of it or because of the strong sex instinct in them but that doesnt say that they love those women or are emotionally attached to them.
    well i worked it out with him and with my extra attention and love i finally made him to let go of other women.
    also i never kept on repeating or make him feel bad about what he did because he was sorry and wanted to improve. If someone is really sorry then he shouldnt be blame for it again and again. good thing that he realized that his adventure hurts me and i dont want this kind of thing in our r/s, and for him nothing is more important than my happiness.
    its been 3 years and he hasn’t gone to any other women for sex and i truly believe that he would not in the future as well.
    i read that your man also has apologized to you and asking you not to leave him and that he loves you then i think oyu should give him a chance. give him that feeling that you trust him with what he is saying and that now it is up to him to not let your trust go down. also help him out with this thing. it is human to do mistakes but as a partner you should forgive his mistake if he is promising to improve. Good Luck.

  78. I had been into a relationship for about more than 4years. our famiies knew about it and we were planned to get maried. I’m female,22, and he is 25. We both studied in the same college until e had to go to some other town for higher studies. we survived the long term relation for a year without any issues. He often came to meet me in my town. Everything was just so perfect. But I somehow came to know a few months later that he was in a physical relationship with some other girl in that town,for the past one year. And I had no idea about what was going on. I couldn’t even think of that. I trusted him blindly and he never made me feel unwanted. With each day, he showed me that his love for me was growing more intense.
    *we never got physical* as I had already asked him that I won’t be doing this before marriage. He never ever forced me for that. Instead he was also of the same opinion. But somehow,the conditions did made me cross my limits. We had a relation of kisses,somewhat more than that.*(You may say, we did everything other than just loosing the virginity)*.and that time too,he ased us to stop, as he didn’t want to be ‘used’ before marrage. he said he wanted to keep the excitement on.
    This thing really means a lot to me,and we both loved each other like hell. He did anything for me,He talked to me, even if he was with that girl, he never lost interest in me. And he had no attachment with that girl.
    and now when I know it all, he has left her, left his studies and came back come, changed his numbers, begged me to not to leave him, has apologized in front of my friends, family. And he says he would pay any damn cost to get me back. he is ready for any sacrifice, i abuse him, i insult him (as I was so shattered,broken)..he listened to that all calmly. He promises that he’ll never let me down again. and that, getting physical with that girl was just his MISTAKE,he couldn’t resist , we were in a long distance, that girl fell for him,she flirted with him and was easily accessible. so he says,that he flowed with the situations.Though they both were never so close,never talked too much,no romantic talks,no future promises,all they shared was sex. (*That girl already knew about me,and our relation,even then she fell in love with him,and now she says that he played with her but he never forced her, she readily accepted his offer. She wants him badly now and asks me to leave him. But he DOESN’T want to be with her,he just wants to be with me in any case.*)
    It has been like 6 months,he’s still begging me to come back. but sleeping with other girl is not a small thing for me too to forgive.
    1)Please suggest, what should I do? I know he loves me no doubt, but is it possible that men loose control so easily & sex is not a big deal for them? Should I give him another chance? or do boys get addicted to having sex somewhere else? Varied sex? Is there the possibility that he’s addicted to it?
    2)Will I be able to forget him? I mean my feelings for him had been so intense,& pure,I had never thought of anyone before.I wanted him to be the once and forever man. Will I be able to forget the relation (physical & emotional, which was my 1st time) ?
    3)If I think of forgiving him, will it be possible to let go all the dirty things,& the lies behind? will we be happy again?
    Please I need the guidance, no one helps me as they say, that its’ my life and I have to decide. But I can’t, and its ruining my health & career. Please suggest me in one direction. Thanks.

  79. Man With Heavy Stress

    Sounds like its have a pop at men forum. I, a man, looking for reasons why I cannot even get close to my wife to be intimate, think I have just found the answer after reading all your comments. When you really believe in something, you start to make it happen. No exception. Man or Woman. You think a man is cheating when he isn’t, by your thoughts and actions you will probably push him into that corner of cheating. Then he will 1try to keep it quiet or 2blame it on you. You pushed him. With men, once convinced his woman has cheated, he may then cheat himself may not be to get back at her, but to feel that he can still get his kicks. All this can be said with opposite roles. My brothers wife ran of a left him. So its not all about that men cheat woman can cheat to. Men don’t talk as much about when there woman cheats as much as women do about their man. That’s why you hear more about men cheating than woman.
    But this guy in this book seems like he has me figured out, apart from the fact that I have not cheated. Yes I have tried the back rub being more supportive taking our child off her hands even when I’m dead tired from working all day. Attempting and finally finishing the mountain like washing up. When all I want to do after being on my feet all day is sit down for 30minutes. I would like a reward for doing my part at the end of week or any time. A reward than she would enjoy which is being intimate with each other. This happens 4 times a year. So do you think its my thought if I end up cheating. I hope I never would. But finding a painless way off killing myself is even hardy than cheating. I would leave a wife and daughter behind if I cheated or if I died. If I cheat I can still give answers. If I die, the wife may know why. The daughter will have no father. The bottom line is that the stress of the relationship can build up so much that you need to relieve the stress before things go wrong. Stress builds up very quickly. Sex is a good stress reliever. It brings couples closer to. Holding it back from your spouse will just make matters worse. If she wants it do it. She will feel better, your life will be less stressed, and she will give you all sorts of beautiful comments. And. If he wants it, do it, he will love you more, he will do more to make sure you stay that way, (as the book says. But not in these words). Like I said. I’m a man. And it looks like you women are having these issues because your drawing them into you life.
    NOW FOR MY BLUNT ANALYSIS. The man cheats his way into getting what he wants. The woman cheats into getting what she wants. Both man and woman can be cheaters. Some men are better behaved than women. Some women are better behaved than men. You married the person your with to keep them happy. If you can’t keep them happy then maybe you shouldn’t be with them. Cheating will not make your spouse happy. If they cheated to get with you, what makes you think that when things are bad they won’t cheat on you. If they can do it once. Then can most likely do it again. And if you can’t keep up with the demands of your partner. Don’t be surprised if the look elsewhere. IT’S YOUR DUTY ON YOUR PART IF YOU WANT TO STAY WITH THE PERSON YOUR WITH. keep them happy.

  80. Nowadays, you cannot trust your husband. I think every wife needs to monitor her husband. Hiring a detective is unaffordable. So I recommend you just use the mobile spy software or computer key logger programs to monitor your husband’s activity.

  81. I agree we think men are not emotional because they don’t show it the way we do.
    Most husbands don’t go out looking for sex people….they build a emotion connection with this other woman first..now ask your self why? because you probably blame your man for everything,put him down,blow him off, sex is just sex to men nothing more and trust me its not sex he is yearning for its something lacking from the relationship but we women dont like to see what we did wrong(men and women cheat for the same reasons something is lacking) this is from experience being a cheater and being cheated on.

    Not saying its right to cheat but, just because men have sex when they cheat does not mean they cheat for sex.

    Also Most men are in denial about why they cheat because of society.

  82. when i meet my partner 3 years ago, he was so lovely but greek and having friends who had been in awful relationships with greek men i was reluctant to see him and explained why because i had been cheated on in the past and was totally devastated by it, he told me he was not that way inclined and would never do such a thing to me…i trusted him so much..our relationship was fantastic to start with,i was so in love with him and within months i gave up my rented house and moved in with him…i thought i had meet the perfect man and i wanted to make him happy..there was nothing i wouldnt do for him..we talked about marriage and did everything together…i couldnt have asked for a better man…then after a few months i started to realise he lied about stupid things to me and the lies escalulated into bigger ones and the relationship was not as strong but i kept working at it, then we were both not working and had to struggle finacially which was really tough….a year and a half into our relationship i found a job and at the time we nearly lost the house however i saved the house and paid the mortgage and the arrears which litually took up all my wages..I was working for 8 months when i started to become ill…i was totally exhausted from work and home life because he was not working and did little in the house, which meant i didnt get a break at weekends, we also had my son and his son living in the house…anyway to cut the story short he got a text from a woman telling him she was having dirty thoughts about him, i was numb !! i confronted him and he said it must be for his 18 year old son but i called the number and found he was e-mailing and texting an ex girlfriend who lives 200 miles away for the last 7 years on and off, they swapped dirty pictures, discussed meeting up for sex…i was devasted…so for the whole of my relationship he was cheating on me over the internet… i can express the pain inside me…i was torn to pieces…i spoke to the girl in question and she said she had no idea about me…he said she meant nothing and he did it because i was working and he was bored at home…..after many rows and tears i said i would give him another chance…that was 9 months ago and not one day had gone by were i dont still feel the pain..on top of that i received an e-mail from a another woman claiming she had sex last year in his car with him…i have also had major problems with his son who has stolen money from me and lied to his father about me trying to make me look like a horrible person, i have left a few times and come back and now i feel like im on the verge of a break down, i have become this person that is not me…i am happy one day and the next i am a wreck, i have slapped him across the face, i have thrown items across the room and this is not me…..he said the new woman claimig to have sex with him is made up, he said he is being set up and he doesnt know her….i am at the end of my wits….i am so sad and feel so betrayed….i gave up so much to be with him, i saved his house, i asked him to put my name on the mortgage and he said no…should i just leave ???

  83. I have a problem w/Dr. whats his names reasons on why men cheat. I don’t see any mention of him suggesting that these men be responsible for their actions. Cheating, obviously, isn’t the answer. If these men can take the time to cheat, why don’t they take the time to just communicate with their significant other? It’s really selfish and immature. So, it’s okay that they go elsewhere for validation that they are appreciated, but then it’s okay for them to not appreciate and neglect their wives? I’m not saying that it’s not normal to find other people attractive, or to be sexually attracted to them, but when someone acts on it, and uses lame excuses that their partner isn’t appreciating them, that’s ridiculous. Yes, maybe it’s true, but maybe the husband needs to step up and find out what’s going on in the marriage… maybe give your wife a nice back rub, flowers.. tell her you love her… and do it consistently. You get what you give. But to run off with another woman, will not help anyone. They’re just excuses. That’s all this so called “expert” on Oprah is doing… giving excuses for these men acting like immature, selfish jerks. Ladies… figure out a plan to get yourself out of a relationship with a selfish, unappreciative man. He will not change. He will tell you what you want to hear, just to keep things on even keel, while you’re sick to your stomach, upset every day, and have zero trust in his sorry ass.. which, by the way, you’re justified in feeling that way. Don’t blame yourself (unless you’re a real bitch and know you’re torturing him), he’s responsible for every action he partakes in. Put your foot down. Stand up for yourself, and leave. Unless you want to go through an entire lifetime of hell, and having your children watch it go down… you deserve better, and so do your kids. Make better choices next time when it comes to a man… not these selfish, instant-gratifying losers. Let him know you feel unappreciated, and leave.

  84. Hi,
    I’ve been married to my husband for a little over a year now, and been together for five. After being together for three years he ran into his ex one night. A week later she started to text and email him, innocent at first but it quickly turned sexual. He continued it for six months, I felt a change and pointed it out after four or five months. Instead of being honest he asked me to marry him and made it seem like the stress from work and asking me to marry him was why things were weird. I didn’t know what was going on but felt unsure about things. I accepted the marriage proposal bu he went back to the emailing texting and phone calls, sending pics back and forth etc. I tried to keep up our sex life but he wouldn’t be aroused by anything I tried…and I tried. We had a few blow outs the year of our engagement. Five weeks to our wedding I got an email from the ex telling me what had been going on up until the week prior. When confronted I wanted to call off the wedding. He had an emotional breakdown. Promised it was a mistake and he only wanted to be with me it was for the emotional boost…I don’t understand that because I made changes to
    my life to give him what he said he needed. Long story short he wanted to go to couselling and fix us. I still loved him, and believed him. We got married five weeks later.
    Fast fwd to today, he has not been going to the counsellor regularily he still goes but sporadically. He lies about the smallest things that make me wonder if he has a big lie. He gets defensive, doesn’t do the things or meets the expectations that he sets out for himself or the ones we create together. He let our first anniversary pass with no effort. I am ready to leave, but I feel like we haven’t given it the chance yet to be better than it was before all of this. I said if he wants to be single or with someone else I am willing to move on because I cannot be disrespected anymore. He says he is not cheating and only wants to be with me, and is willing to do what it takes, but it feels like words because he doesn’t do what it takes and I don’t k ow if I even do love him anymore. I don’t know what to do…I have a great career fantastic friends and family all who have encouraged us to work on thi ga because they see us and think we compliment each other well by our personalities, but they don’t know the emptiness of all the lies cheating and broken promises. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
    Hi ex works a a bank and breached policies and went into my personal files, she saw me trying on wedding dresses. He said he didn’t want to hurt me but he ik ew about all of it and let someone invade my personal life in more ways than one. It’s funny he said he didn’t think what he was doing was affecting us yet once I stopped he was up to having sex the way he did when we first started dating. He wants me to treat him a cartai. Way so he can feel good, but I cannot he hasn’t even made me feel like marrying him was the right decision. How am I supposed to make him feel good–especially when I don’t think he is a good person anymore? Just a childish selfish arrogant jerk.

  85. My husband is cheating on me.. I don’t have proof that he has had sex with any of the women, although I do suspect he has.. But he definitely emotionally chests on me several times with several women. He just ended a 2 month emotional possibly sexual affair and has moved on already to another emotional affair. I don’t know what to do. I am 7 months pregnant with a little one at home as well. I could never do this to him. I tell him I love him all the te and how much I appreciate him… Yet he would rather text these other women. I believe he likes the chase and excitement he gets and then once he feels he got what he wanted from ghat person he moves on to another. I want to leave him.. I am just not sure when I will. I need more strength to leave which I do not have right now. I have only known about the cheating for s few months now but I suspect he has been doing this for years… I have asked him to go to counseling with me but he won’t. I think I will just go to counseling and get dome tools I need to have the strength to leave him.

  86. I feel for all these people with sad stories! Seems like a real life soap opera. I myself haven’t caught my bf cheating, just talking once to a woman online, kind of explicitly and inviting her on skype to see each other, etc while I was away; after confronting him he erased that person from FB and skype… but left we with doubts about my trust. His excuse: that he was bored!
    In my absence he talked to his ex, has all these women who talks to online on skype and erases his history… but says nothing would ever happen bc he loves me etc etc. And it makes me feel frustrated. On the one hand I love him and would never do anything to harm his feelings, I have dedicated myself to him… and on the other I see him as a flirt, esp behind my back. I’ve been cheated on in the past, so am being very conservative about this one. I think I may lack trust in general, but i would never lack it without proofs and serious reasons. Now he takes his phone with him in the bathroom, feels like hiding from me, and I am left unspoken. And he’s going to the Christmas office party alone, at a hotel (where a secretary that likes him will go as well).

  87. I have a slight issue with Neuman’s reasons men cheat…my husband started cheating on me 1 1/2 months after our wedding day (as far as I could discover). Hardly enough time to feel unappreciated, distance in the marriage and dwingling sex…Until I discovered his multiple, long-term affairs I was the most happy, appreciative, supportive, maddly in love (still after 9 years) wife. I told him daily I loved him, I told him when I felt proud of him, I told him I was the luckiest woman in the world for having married him. Did I mention the amazing, crazy, mind-blowing sex?

    Well…turns out, other women were (more) appreciative of him, (more) supportive, (more) maddly in love with him, (more) proud of him. As for the sex, since these were/are long-distance affairs (I mean long distance as in not-on-the-same-continent-distance), not sure how our sex-in-the-car, sex-in-the-park, sex-under-the-fireworks (etc) measured to their mere sexting dirty words…but maybe this is what he really longed for? Anyway, at every opportunity, he would turn to them to seek more, and always more. Me telling him I was proud of him for something he did was not enough. He needed THEM to be proud of him. Me telling him how much I was happy with him was not enough. He needed THEM to say how much they could wait to be with him again. Me telling him how much I appreciated everything he did for me was not enough. He would turn to them to make sure THEY appreciated him.

    Anyway, you get the jist. I was there all along, HE decided this was not enough. He decided to give his love to other women. There is nothing more I could have done to “affair proof my marriage” (what a joke). He drained me emotionally. He certainly did not want to please me. He was to concentrated on pleasing them. And this is what he brought on to him: I am not appreciating him anymore, I cannot be proud of him anymore, I am not happy with him anymore. I cannot give him love anymore because other women provide him with plenty and my love for him, obviously does not rate. Sex? Why. It appears that their sexting is fulfiling. Toughtful gestures? Why. He prefers the ones that they do for him. He would prefer to wake up with one of them by his side instead of me. He would prefer to be celebrating Valentines Day with one of them instead of me. He thinks about them constantly. Hell, one of them even beat me to wishing him happy birthday (as she hoped!). So what am I in all this? The wife. As it was a disease.

    The sad part is: I have a successful career of which he should be proud of. I have always been there for him, which he should appreciate. I am intelligent, pretty, faithful, committed, outgoing, active, with a great personality which at one point made him want to marry me no?. All his significant others are emotionally dependant, demanding (you want to talk about demanding wives? Talk about demanding mistresses!), high-maintenance, undereducated, not politically astute, unemployed (not sure if they even ever worked), alone, have no careers and do not even seem to have hobbies, believe all his lies but stick around because they have an eye on his (non-existent) wealth (he tells them that he has millions in contracts). They all ask for more and more from him. Vacations in high-end resorts, more calls, more time, more attention. There is no way I could ever compete against that.

    Sorry this was long but it is out of my chest and I fell better.

  88. Laurie:
    Married 24 years, with children. Long history, but simply: How do I trust my husband again after he put up dating profiles and was caught and he is a traveling man most of the month? He has sent red flags from his travels to me, but I have no proof of any ongoing affair or one night stands…and we are in counseling. He gets fed up because I don’t trust him after several years and he wants to leave sometimes because he says he doesn’t make me happy and if I can’t trust him it will never work. He says his red flags were not flags and that I will look “for anything” to be a red flag. Some of his flags were not wearing his wedding ring on a trip, he stays out very late from his hotel room (work is over) and he says he has every right to stay out late to release energy and “have fun.” I tell him staying out that late and not taking me out when he returns is wrong. That he should not act like that as a married man and he says I am controlling and disagrees and says that if I trusted him, then it doesn’t matter how late he stays out or if at all. I don’t go out like that and he says “Go, I trust you.” He says he learned what he did was wrong and wants to be trusted. HIs job can’t change and he makes good money and it is a career as a pilot and we depend on his job and he says he loves it and won’t ever quit. Please help. This has been going on way too long and I am sad, depressed, lonely, and untrusting.

  89. Dear laurie, i am 22 years old and about three months ago i found an ex boyfriend of mine. We havnt spoken are talked for about 8 years. But for some reason i have thought about him over the years and have never stopped living him. Even thought about hooking up with a boy that reminded me alot about him. Ive always loved him and for some reason thought that one day we would find eachother again because it was fate. I know i sound corney but its very true. So when we hung out for the first time it was like we never stopped talking and it was so easy the chemisrty was crazy. Each time we apent more and more time together the desire got stronger. Till finally we had sex. Which wouldnt be a problem but he has a gf that hes been seeing for 6 months. He told me a couple of times that he was going to break it off with her but didnt. Really thought she was gojng to leave him
    When he told her about us but she wanted to work it out with him. He has told me his feelings about
    Me n how much he loves me. And he wants to e single. But he wont break up with her bc he doesnt want to hurt her and hea close to her family. I just want to know your advice. Im madly in lice with him and we both desided to soend sometime apart n not talk. Its been a week today and i just still know hes the one for me. What should i do? And do you think im an idiot in live for believing him?

  90. Hi, I’m Sunny, I’m 23 yrs old with 2 children with one on the way. I’ve been with my partner for only 2 yrs and throughout the 2 yrs he has cheated with countless women. Also, he has concieved another child during his cheating. With the pressure of the cheating,another baby(with another woman),parenting,pregnant, and working I eventually ended up having a nervous breakdown and hospitalized. My “partner” turned his back on me as well as our family. A couple monthds ago he decided to come back and make things work. He said he loved me n promised to never hurt me aggain. Of coarse I didn’t believe a damn thing he said but I gave it a try, for our kids sake. Since then he has been wonderful. Some days I pick arguments and bring up his past, which now he’s completely honest about, -ive tried to leave because I don’t trust him but he for the first time in 2 yrs won’t give up on uds. He always calling when he’s not around and he does anything to make me feel secure in our rrelationship. My question is, how can I learn to trust him again? I do love him so much, and I feel like this time he’s honestly doing the right thing. But because of his past its hard for me to let him in my heart again. I’m scared, what should I do!? Help

  91. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Destini,

    I’m sorry to hear your husband is cheating — or that you suspect he’s cheating — and you’re expecting another baby! Well, a new baby is often a cherished and exciting experience, but it can be stressful and scary, too.

    I wrote this article for you:

    Tips for Wives Who Don’t Trust Their Husbands

    I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts here or there.


  92. Hi, I’m a 22 year old with 3 children and recently found out I am expecting my fourth. My husband and I have been together for 5 years. We have had many (to count its around 15) situations with women (friends as he called them) which there is no way I could have male friends that close. As well as very close friend of mine that they say they never slept together but he’s lied so much I don’t know. Everything he has done I have caught him doing NEVER admitted anything. Well, the past year has went well and he seemed truly sorry as we’ve both blamed it on age and the fast commitment of my first pregnancy. Anyhow here the past oh I say month or two some of the same issues that made me notice the women in the past have been rising yet again and I’m not sure what to do we’ve had every problem you can think including porn and etc. Which like I said it’s been a while but recently he has been “checking” out other women, leaving without mentioning where he is going or when to return, and I have called with no answer. I don’t know what to do or how to approach him every time I have in the past it blew up into a huge fight. I’m lost and wondering if I should even stay with the trust being as it is?

  93. Hi to all,
    I read all the stories mentioned above, they are really made me think. In my counseling career I have handled many cases like these, and they are now happily married or in a healthy relationship.
    Thanks and best of luck.

  94. hello i am 38 and have been married 22 years last friday. a week before our anniversary i looked into some emails my husband was getting in his e-mail from dating web sites he insisted he did not reg for them so i looked into how to get his name off the mailing list just to find out he did set them up. he will not admit to setting them up but one of the profiles had info on him only me or him would know when i asked him about them he was really mad and hurtful said i didn’t know what i was talking about and that i was checking up on him like one of our kids. i have suspected him of cheating in the past about 5-6 times but had no proof other then finding certain items he says his brother gave him/or left in his truck.(and his brother would do things to split us up in the beginning so i would brush it off) but i have these feelings that come over me at times that somethings wrong and when i try and call him he will ether hang up on me or he will not answer saying later that he was asleep. i need my marriage to work because we still have 2 sons at home one 17 and one 14. he has taken me off all the bank accounts and has stoped me from spending any money other then the $400 i make each month and that is used for gro/gas. he has started criticizing my weight/house keeping skills and how i teach the kids (more then usual) how can i fix this and trust him again he has been my life from the time i was 16. he has taken down all the profiles on the dating sites as of our anniversary. but i worry because he travels most of the time and is only home 4 days a month.

    help pleas

  95. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear S.P.,

    There’s nothing you can do to change your husband. You’re not the reason he cheats — HE is the reason he cheats. Some men cheat on their wives because they have no morals and values. Neuman said that 12% of husbands cheat on their wives no matter what…and maybe your husband is one of those men.

    You need to decide if you want to stay with an unfaithful man, or if you have the strength to leave your marriage. I can’t tell you what to do…but if he’s cheating on you and lying to you, I don’t think he’ll change to be the husband and father you deserve.

    My heart goes out to you. I’m sorry your husband turned out this way.

    Here’s an article that may help:

    Should I Leave My Cheating Husband?

    Let me know if you have other questions.


  96. hi
    I have a big problem.My husband is unfaithful. I am pregnant and my husband had a 2 stories with 2 diffrent woman.
    We never had a problem in sex. I pay enough ententtion to him. I cannot find any reason what keep my husbnad to keep touch and… with those woman, specialy one of them. My husband also lies very very much. plz someone tell me what can I do?

  97. Devastated little boy

    All they can focus on is cheating and once they’ve done the deed they’re all remorseful and devastated or they swear they were too drunk and can’t remember but why is it that while there trying to get the girl down the back yard there also trying to send you to bed and close the door so you don’t catch them. There so aware of setting up the cheating and spend all there effort in doing so but then they have no recollection of anything they did the next morning.

    What I’ve realized is that I can forgive but our grandsons mum (who is his chosen target) has with drawn all contact between us and grandson and the person who is effected most by his cheating ways is a grandson who cherished spending evey weekend with us who now has no access to us and a mum and step dad who spend all their spare time on the computers playing games. Men should have been born without a p***s and we would all be so much happier.

  98. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Should you stay with your man if he cheats on you? I don’t think there’s a black and white, right or wrong answer. I know some women whose husbands cheated, and they rebuilt their marriage. Other women leave as soon as they find out. Different women have different reasons for staying or leaving.

  99. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Hi Janice,

    Do you trust your boyfriend? It sounds like you suspect him of cheating on you…is that because he’s not trustworthy, or because you’re insecure?

    I don’t know if he’s cheating or if you have anything to worry about, but I do believe women need to be their most secure, happy, fulfilled selves. The happier we are, the less fear and insecurity we feel about our husbands cheating.

    I guess I’m saying that if you don’t have any real proof that he’s cheating, then you need to trust him when he says there’s nothing going on. And, you need to build up your self-confidence and self-esteem so that you’re a positive, happy, amazing woman — one who can withstand ANYTHING that happens to her!

  100. I have a long steady relationship now and I am secure with it and believe that my boyfriend loves me more. But we have this quarrel lately about a girl who got crush on him and the girl did something effort just to keep in touch with my boyfriend because they were friends. My boyfriend told me that this girl is just nothing to him and all that he showed to her is just a plain friendship without any malice. I have also seen some pictures of them in group that this girl set closer to my boyfriend. What would be the best thing or the best realization that I should make in order for me to have a peace of mind?

  101. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Gina,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your husband, and being pregnant…that’s a really difficult situation.

    Since you can’t change him and you can only change yourself, you need to figure out if you can live this way for the length of your marriage. Can you tolerate a man who cheats, lies, and doesn’t respect you? If not, then you need to tell him that you can’t live this way. Hopefully, he’ll decide that you’re more important than his emails and internet dating sites. But if he doesn’t, then you need to decide what you want to do with your life.

    I encourage you to talk to a counselor in person, or someone you really trust, and figure out what you should do if your husband keeps cheating on you.

    Again, I’m really sorry you’re going through this…but you don’t have to live with a man who cheats! You CAN take control of your life, but it takes courage and strength, my friend.

    Let me know how you’re doing,

  102. i just got married in Many and now 6months pregnant. I keep finding him opening new email over and over. I know everything. I have my way of finding. But he keeps lying. What should I do when men lie over and over he is on alot of internet dating sites. Im so hurt and its killing me and I am only 26 and left everything for him and it kills me. Everytime I ask him he lies. Please help me

  103. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Hello Narinder,

    Thanks for your kind invitation to offer advice on your blog! However, I can barely keep up with Quips and Tips, so I have to refuse. But I’m looking forward to swinging by your blog and seeing if you have any advice on why men cheat…

  104. Thanks again for your note. Would you mind offering advice on my blog from time to time? As a marriage and family therapy counselor you will deal with problems such as adolescent behavior, depression, divorce and other marital problems, domestic violence, grief, infertility, infidelity and substance abuse.

  105. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Hello Tony,

    Have you asked your wife what you can do to rebuild your marriage? That’s one of the best ways to recover and build a stronger marriage — listen to the betrayed partner and do what she thinks would help.

    I also encourage you to initiate marriage counseling. Make an appointment with a couples therapist, and invite your wife to join you. Even if she doesn’t want to attend counseling, it’s important for you to figure out what you were looking for outside of your marriage. The more insight you have into “why men cheat” — why YOU strayed — the better equipped you’ll be to rebuild your marriage. A counselor can help you and your wife reconnect physically and emotionally.

    You’re right that working out of town is an obstacle to rebuilding trust! Betrayed wives have a difficult time trusting even when their husbands work from home, much less out of town. You might consider a asking for a different position in your organization so you don’t have to travel as much — at least for the next year or so. Or, consider finding a new job. This may seem like a big deal, but it’s a small price to pay to save your marriage.

    I hope this helps, and wish you all the best.

    Oh — and try Mort Fertel’s marriage coaching program! He’s not a marriage counselor, but his coaching has helped hundreds of couples rebuild their lives together. The banner is at the end of my article (Why Men Cheat).


  106. Laurie, I have been talking to a woman online and my wife has caught me doing so. I have never met this woman that I have been talking to, and never planned on actually doing so. Now, the problem with talking to this woman is that it had gotten to the point where I have asked for provacative pictures.

    Now that I have told you the back story, of what has happened, I love my wife very much and want to fix this problem but I really don’t know where to start. I have completely cut ties with this woman that I have been talking to and I want to be a better husband for my wife. I also work out of town, which makes problems worse because I don’t think she will now have the ability to trust me again. I am not trying to pawn off the blame to my wife either, however I don’t feel like I am wanted at home, my wife doesn’t make advances towards me at all with the exception of wanting me to lay close to her in the bed. She is not comfortable with sex because of some background of bad encounters before me. However, when we were dating, she would make the advances, not me.

    Anyways, I really want to make my wife realise that I am deeply in love with her, but I don’t know how to fix the damage that I have already done. Any help would be appreciated.

    Thank you!

  107. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Maike ~ I’m sorry to hear that your boyfriend cheated on you, and that you’re now in such a difficult position! I don’t know if he’ll cheat again — and I bet he doesn’t know, either. It’s hard to rebuild trust after an affair. I encourage you both to go for couples counseling. I think that’s the best way to learn why he cheated on you, which will help prevent it from happening again.

    Dear Lance ~ Repairing broken trust takes time and effort! That’s great that your wife can see the changes you’re making in your life. I think you should get counseling for yourself — I think she’ll respect that. And, counseling will help you figure out what you were missing in your relationship, what made you stray. This will help her trust you again, perhaps. Invite her for marriage counseling. Show her you’re serious about rebuilding your relationship.

    I wish you all the best,

  108. Hi, i appreciate your insights, i have been unfaithful to my beautiful wife and son by visiting p*rn sites with chat rooms, we are busy with a ugly divorce and are separated recently. We have a 7 yr old son who loves us both and wants us back together. I know there is huge trust issues from her side, we both have agreed we still have feelings for each other and don,t really want to divorce. I have reasons why this has happened but not walking away from the fact that i have been unfaithful. I have realized now how much my family means to me and i desparately want them back, i am currently changing my lifestyles and also my priorities which she has agreed she can see. I do not know what to do and how to be around her as all i do is apologise and beg for forgiveness, somebody out there please help me !

  109. Hello Laurie,

    I am really happy that I found this webpage and everything about emotional cheating. I am 45 years old and I am together with my boyfriend for approx. 3 years. We daily write emails and skype messages or SMS, that is what we always did. We do have the same hobbies like riding a motor-bike, fitness, talking, reading, cinema – everything. There is no day where we are not laughing together or talking to each other. However we had also difficult times to go through, he met me while I was in a middle of a divorce, I have a now 12 years old boy and a dog and I am very successful in my profession. So we moved while he got a job offer to Switzerland from Germany and I gave up my job, which was my own wish. I thought it is easy to get a new one – it was not. So I started being dissatisfied and he tried to give me more courage to get through this. We lost a baby together right in the beginning of our relationship. So a lot of things happened. I was jealous why could affort to go for vacation and I could not. So he went alone with his parents and his son. But I also was not willing to take money from him. Last but not least all this took us 2 years and then finally I found a wonderful job. Before this I sometimes said I will leave him and Switzerland if I can not become successful again within my job career. Or by the way also the sexual interaction is unbelievable between the two of us.

    In July this year he went for a business trip to Brazil and met a lady, where he found interesting and he wrote her, that he was really in danger with her afterwards. Then they started an email exchange for 2 months, which I found out by accident. He promised me to stop immediately and he said that has nothing to say. But he wrote her things, like, I am alive again – I am dreaming touching your hands and running along a beach and so on. He has sent her the pictures of his son, his bike, his car and hearts. He asked her to come to Switzerland to visit him. In paralell he kept writing that he loves me, we had wonderful days and also just normal days and also tough discussions from time- to time. Overall I thought we are really happy, he said to me, you are the love of my life.

    Nevertheless he did not talk to the other girl about love, but he said he had to come to a decision. He said he thought about her everyday, while he was on vacation with me and our sons for two weeks every day.

    Now I figured out on September the third and we had terrible times. I said I could never trust him again and I do not know what to do. I was crying so many tears..

    Then he asked me that he wants to show me that he really loves only me and no one else and he asked me to marry him….

    What shall I do now???? I really love this man with every piece of my heart, but can I trust him, not to do this again???

    Thanks for your help.

  110. As a man, I don’t agree with the findings of Gary Neuman. He, unfortunately, seems to lay the blame, by virtue of his conclusions, the reasons why we (men) cheat at the feet of women. I’d love to know where all these hundreds of cheating men he interviewed are from. Mars? Ladies, lets look at it this way, how many of these same men who told him they cheated for “emotional” reasons would say the same thing to their buddy or best friend if asked why they cheated? Were his subjects wearing a lie detector?

    It’s simple, men cheat because we can and because we have a serious lack of penile control. I know men who are happily married and are cheating. Sure, the good doctor will say it’s impossible for a man to be happily married while cheating on his wife. Perhaps, he’s not aware of one of the main rules of cheating, “Happy Wife, Happy Life” give her no reason to suspect or believe that he is cheating.

    My dear ladies, don’t beat upon yourselves thinking that you’re to be blamed for your husbands or boyfiend’s cheating ways. Men simply don’t communicate well enough. If a man has an issue in your relationship that weighs so heavily on his mind, why can’t he communicate that to you before he sets out and cheats? Why cheat and when caught start talking about not feeling appreciated, not feeling loved in his relationship etc?

    You don’t deserve a cheating husband or boyfriend. Cheating is one of the most selfish acts one can display in a relationship. I have two young daughters, and I’ve vowed to tell and show them all I know about the dark, secrective, and deceptive world in which some of us men live. Education is one of the most potent tools a woman can employ to combat our cheating ways. Unfortunately, it’s in this department, I’ve found women lacking the most. Sure, when you love and trust a man, there are certain expectations of honesty and faithfulness, but sadly, that’s not always the case. Let me educate you ladies, send me a friend request on my facebook page, Allan Wesley, so you can be updated on the release of my upcoming book “Who Is The Man In Your Bed?” subtitled “What Men Do When You’re Not Looking”. In the interim, I wish you all the best in your relationships or your search for one.

  111. Wow, I can see a lot of people on here are in a lot of pain. I don’t think there’s anything worse than being cheated on. I agree with Gary Neuman’s conclusions.

    And it’s simply true: most women don’t have an understanding of men at all, and expect men to see things the way they do as women. Appreciation really, really goes a long way. Men have hardwired in their genes, a hunter mentality and they want to feel that someone is celebrating when they accomplish something or do something even small for their wife or girlfriend!

  112. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Hi Alison,

    I agree; men don’t cheat just because of desire. As marriage counselor Gary Neuman says above, it’s got more to do with a lack of an emotional connecttion.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

  113. Wow, given the number of comments this is a subject really close to peoples’ heart. I must say I do agree with Gary Neuman. It’s to easy to say that men cheat simply because of sexual desire. There’s so much more than that. Often their wife is showing no affection, appreciation or respect at all and she still expects him to stay faithful. Well, that’s wrong too. I’m not saying it’s ok for men to have an affair whenever they feel they don’t get enough attention. What I’m trying to say is that you should always take a look at both sides of the story.

  114. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Sarah,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your relationship with your partner; it sounds like it’s been a difficult four years!

    I’m not sure how you can build a loving, healthy, happy relationship with a man you can’t trust. And you have good reason not to trust him — he doesn’t respect or love you. He has some serious issues that compel him to lie and cheat, and I don’t know that they can be resolved with a promise to stay faithful.

    I encourage you to get in-person support. Call a counselor, social worker, spiritual leader, or a women’s helpline. You need to talk to someone in person, who can help you figure why you’re in this relationship, if you should leave, and how you can let go.

    It’s really, really important for you to figure out why you’re staying with a man who cheats on you, who you can’t trust, and who treats you like this.

    And remember that no matter how unhealthy or difficult a relationship is, it’s really hard to leave. You’re not alone, my friend.

    You need to weigh the short-term pain of moving on with the long-term pain of staying in this relationship. If he’s willing to go for couples counseling, then I encourage you to start immediately!

    Please talk to someone who can give you objective, professional support. You’re already headed in the right direction — reaching out for help and sharing what you’ve been through — and now you need to surround yourself with resources that will give you the strength and courage you need.

    In Letting Go of Someone You Love: 75 Ways to Heal a Broken Heart and Let Go of the Past, I offer practical, effective tips from psychologists, life coaches, counselors, and mediators for breaking up and moving on. It might help you.

    I wish you all the best — and welcome you to come back anytime to update me on how you’re doing!


  115. Hi Laurie! My partner and I have been together for almost 5 years. Just before our first year anniv. I found out he was cheating on me. He denied it of course. we broke up but we got back together. He never admitted that he did but I still accepted him. Just few months after that, I got pregnant to our daughter, during my pregnancy, I found out he was cheating on me again. Not just with one but a few women. We ended the relationship but we kept communication bec I was pregnant. A couple of months after he came back to me and said he wanted me back. But again he never admitted that he cheated. I am 101% sure that he did bec I have proof of his affairs. It wasnt easy to just forget all about it especially when the person does not admit his faults. But I gave him another chance. A few months after that, I found out that he was still communicating with those women and exchanging pictures, sexy pictures, some a nude. We almost broke up. He tried to explain why and he said it’s just him. It has nothing to do with me. That it is how he is, he cant change it.That he easily gets weak and tempted and when he gets into that situation, he doesnt know what to do and he cant think right from wrong. we made an agreement that he will tell me whenever he is in that situation so i could help him. We moved to a different shortly after that incident. It was good for the both of us so we could start over again. First couple of months, I saw his efforts but after that he went back to the same person again. He cheated on me again, still communicating with the same women not to mention new women. I dont trust him anymore but i dont want to give up the relationship. I love him. Sometimes i would just keep quiet about the things I know bec I dont want us to fight which will lead again to break up. Here recently I found out he’s having an affair with an previous co-worker and a co-worker, two at the same time. i never told him i knew about it already but he could sense that there is something wrong with me. I tried to talk to him about us, that if he doesnt love me anymore he could just tell me so we both could move on so he can do what he wants to do withouth hurting me. But he never told me about the affair, he insisted that he’s not doing anything. The way he talked to me I feel like he is convinced that he is not doing anything wrong. How do I deal with this? I dont want to lose him but at the same time should I just accept that he is a womanizer/sex addict?

    Please help. Im getting insane.

  116. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts, xanadu! It sounds like you’ve been seriously hurt in the past…I’m sorry about that.

    I wouldn’t want to marry a celebrity! I quite like my quiet life of anonymity and peace. Though I guess it depends on the celebrity…if my husband was a celebrity, I’d stay married to him 🙂

  117. san diego marriage counseling

    Thanks for sharing your experience — it’s so good to know that couples CAN survive infidelity, and even develop a stronger marriage because of it!

    It almost sounds like getting cancer: you’d never ever wish for it, but sometimes it makes your life better and more meaningful.

  118. * I’d sooner pay for a sperm donor and raise my own set of respectable kids (if they do happen to be boys they’ll be my contribution to society) than marry a man who calls me his “soulmate”/ “love of his life”/ “insert movie line of choice”. If pushed i’d rather marry a celebrity (wouldnt we all) because you know a whole lot more about them than you will a random man that you believe you’ve gotten to know over the years. At least tabloids cover faux passes, scandals, etc so with celebrities you know what to expect. Talk show interviews show their mannerisms and stances on issues. Movie choices show their business insight and how well they market themselves to obtain roles. By celebrities I don;t mean the likes of orlando bloom or some sweet face of the season (they’re not my taste). But yeah I’d sooner do the above.

  119. men like joey should stop directing a pity party towards himself and take ownership of his own life. leave the wife even if it leaves you in debt. make the right decision and not the self-serving one. If you are staying because of financial reasons don’t complain about the verbal abuse. Plus, you married her ffs. I mean either you jumped on it to quick (western marriages ftw) or maybe she changed (if so you could’ve confronted her or leave then).Another thing, I think wives/husbands should be allowed to express their disappointments in their partner. Eg if you didnt do something right then you should feel bad about it and do better next time. Why would you want to feel good about something you didn’t do right? There must be something causing your wife to be verbally abusive, maybe you are not a good enough husband in the sense that you are not attuned to her emotions (I’m not talking about the passive, generic “nice”) or maybe something you d/do not do has been bothering her for many years? Maybe it’s something difficult to discuss like a bedroom issue or whatever that she takes it out on you that way? maybe she was verbally abuse a lot as a child and as an adult she emulates the very behaviour that victimised her after a stressful trigger? Thinking “i am cheating soon” is irresponsible and cowardly. I speak as a person who suffers from panic and anxiety. Btw my mother is in your positions except instead of eczema it’s breast cancer and not once has she thought about cheating. What does that say? And this is why I have no faith in men.

  120. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Donna,

    I’m so sorry to hear not just that your husband cheated, but that he told you that she is his soulmate. That’s so heartbreaking to hear.

    I don’t know if you’re being a fool about your marriage, but I can see how much you love him. You want your marriage to work, and you’re willing to do anything it takes to save it. But, you have to remember that one spouse can’t save a marriage. How will you and your husband fight for your marriage, and put his affair behind you?

    I encourage you and him to sit down and figure out what it means to “fight for your marriage.” Does this mean marriage counseling? A marriage support group? Reading books like “Why Men Cheat” together? Spending more time as a couple?

    One of the best ways to save a marriage is to be clear about how you’ll reconnect and rebuild. Like achieving any goal, you need to be specific and strategic about getting where you need to be.

    Would you like me to write an article about specific ways to save your marriage? Let me know — I’d be happy to.


  121. Hi Laurie, I discovered my husband had been having an affair with my best friend 3 months ago. They had been having an emotional/Physical affair for 9 months when I fouond out. It was stopped.. or so I thought. The Physical side happened again 6 weeks later, but the contact via phone continued to happen daily. My husband has moved out of home although comes home each night for dinner and to see kids and myself as he says he wants to work out our marriage although he is not in love with me like a husnad should be. He loves the other woman and I know that if we did not have children, he would probably leave me and go to her. He said he has found his soul mate with her. 3 weeks ago he made love to me and told me that we were going to be okay and not to rub it in this woman’s face. He was still going to have his struggles, but ultimatley he said we would be ok in the end. 4 days later I found out he ended it with her the same night we made love and he then made love to this other woman.. some goodbye hey? Anyway, still prepared to work on my marriage I am trying to put this behind me. He is now just on 3 weeks of no contact with this other woman and he is withdrawing. He is anxious and his body jerks andhe cries and he is with drawn from me. He is angry with the kids alot of the time, he falls asleep sitting on the couch at the drop of a hat. I love my husband so much and am willing to do what ever, althoughI will not share him with another woman again! Am I being a fool to still feel so positive about my marriage when clearly my husband is not in love with me and has found his soul mate with someone else. Someone who makes him happy and someone who he is so desperate to be with that he sobs for her. It breaks my heart to see it. I told him that his happiness means so much to me and that he can go to her and I and kids will be okay. He says that he is not prepared to give up on us and he will fight for us. Are these just words to keeo my hoopes up, or am I really just a fool of a wife who loves her imperfect husband so much?

  122. I am with that same kind of person. Always has a roving eye and numerous affairs in the ten years we have been together. Why cant I break away from this in fear of being alone because the way I was raised look the other way and stand by your man. He even did something awful suggesting sexual contact with my daughter by a piece of her clothing I caught him with. I hate him and he wont go away. He threatens me my family and my belongings.

  123. I was married to one of the “12% Who will cheat no matter what”. He also sexually abused my daughter when she was a toddler, and this did not come out until we moved to a new house. For the first time in 18 years..we are all at peace. To the rest of the world my ex is a popular, charismatic guy who flatters the women. To us he is a monster. But hey! enough about me. What I want to simply state here is…I think there is way too much pressure on people to have partners. We get into relationships thinking it is better than living alone. More now than in any other recorded time in history; women have power, can become a single parent without stigma, can raise healthy kids without a spouse. We don’t have to settle. When I was younger I thought the kids needed a father, that I needed a husband. I put up with a lot of terrible stuff because I thought it was better for the kids than the alternative. WRONG.

  124. I just finished reading you comments regarding infidelity. As to the “Why Men Cheat?” issue, I have yet to see an answer to the riddle. My husband Mike, a corporate pilot engaged in multiple relationships with married women he meet on the friends with benefits sites. He also engaged in a lot of porn watching. All of this took place while he was away from home. His work put him takes him away from us for 5 to 6 days straight and home for 3 or 4 days. I married him knowing the life of a pilot. You see, I am a pilot. Due to the erratic nature of the aviation industry, we decided that we would continue his flying and I would find mare stable income in a non flying job. This has been my life for the past 20 years and on Feb. 22, 2008, my daughter found all of Mike’s unclosed email addresses and other web sites he had been looking at. For almost 12 years my husband had been keeping relationships with other women. When asked why? His answer to that question was,” he started looking for my replacement and then it was just a matter of the fact that he just could do it”. When he meet me I was an aspiring pilot with many friends, well traveled and very sure of myself. I learned a long time ago to accept who I was and to keep a balanced life. Come to find out, he hated me for it. His father, come to find out, was unfaithful to his mother and bragged about it to his sons. What a mess! In order to find help we went to counseling and it did help him. He has opened his eyes to his own faults and the pain his actions have caused to those around him. He had managed to turn off his taboos in order to justify all of his affairs. My life with the new world of sexting and internet sites has been a nightmare. I still have not found a book that deals with this new type of infidelity. The rules have changed. The free access to so many via the web has opened a Pandora’s Box. How to deal with the magnitude of his actions? He is trying to make things up to me. Has stopped all contact with other women (his choice) and spends more time calling me when out on flight rotation. I know he is trying but, the truth is, I really don’t want to stay with him anymore. The actions taken by him during all those years are just beyond my ability to forgive. I have tried to put things aside and work on recovery but, instead of feeling better, I find my feeling for him gone. How can I find a different way of dealing with the healing? Do I talk or not? More counseling? If I bring any of it up, Mike gets defensive or depressed. He would like for it to just go away so that we could move on. What about me?

  125. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Ruth,

    I think you know the answer to at least one of the questions you asked! He can’t cut off contact with the mother of his daughter — there’s no way to do that without cutting off contact with his daughter, which would be terrible for her. So, you need to accept that he has to have contact with the woman he cheated on his wife with.

    You could be with him at every visitation exchange, but how would you monitor their phone calls or email messages? And that’s what it would feel like — that you have to MONITOR their contact to make sure it’s all innocent and legitimate. This doesn’t make for a healthy, trusting relationship.

    There is no way you can be sure he’ll be faithful. I don’t think any wife or girlfriend can EVER be 100% sure her husband won’t cheat! There are no guarantees in life or relationships, my friend, no matter how wonderful the people in the relationship are.

    I don’t know how long you’ve been dating him, but I suggest you keep it at the dating level for at least one year. I understand that it’s intimate and exciting and passionate — but he’s made some bad choices in his past marriage, and he chose an unstable woman to cheat with.

    Yes, I think counseling is a great idea. It’s a positive sign that he’s willing to go to counseling with you — and I encourage you to take him up on it. My husband and I did premarital counseling, and it set a healthy, strong tone for our marriage (though we still have our sticky moments!).

    I wish you all the best, and hope you come back to let me know how things are going.


  126. I am dating a man who has cheated on his ex-wife. I am a very emotionally stable and successful woman in my 40s and do not need a man, I just want a man in my life. The problem is that this man had an affair and a child out of wedlock with a married woman. His wife left him and he ended the affair after his mistress refused to leave her marriage. He started it back up after she refused to allow him to see his daughter unless she continued the affair. He went through some deep soul searching before he met me. We actually met three years ago and he waited to call me til he was separated and alone. He wants to start over and he said that I am different than any other woman he has ever met. I believe the other women in his life were extremely insecure and unstable and have checked out my sources. The problem is that I want to believe that he would never cheat on me but the mistress he had the affair with WILL NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE. He ended it with her and says that it only happened once and that was when we first started dating. He has told all his family members that he wants no one else but me but he still talks to this woman regularly and says its only about his daughter. I set boundaries for him.. but how could I ever live with the thought that it could happen again. Is it possible for him to cut off contact with her completely when they have a daughter together? I know this sounds bad but everyone says he is a really good guy. His wife was terribly abusive and was even arrested.. she cut him down constantly. He had the affair after he discovered he had cancer and went into the hospital. How can I be sure that he will be faithful? Should I demand that he only contact her in writing? Take me with him for visitation exchanges. I want to believe him but I dont’ know what to do. I have been in love and had at least three other relationships (1 marriage) but have never had such an emotionally intimate relationship both mentally and physically with any man in my life and he says the same thing. What should I do? Counseling before I get in any deeper? He is willing to do anything and is desparate for me to give him a chance.

  127. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Hi Mikko,

    Thanks for your comment! I visited your blog, but couldn’t find your conclusion about why men cheat. Would you mind sharing it here?


  128. Mikko Kemppe - Relationship Coach

    I agree with many of Dr. Neuman’s conclusions for why men cheat. I also agree that there is no justifications for men cheating and each and all of us should take personal responsibility for our actions.

    However, I have come to a different conclusion for the primary reason for why men cheat. To see if you agree or disagree, visit the Relationship Journal.com.

  129. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen


    Thanks for sharing your experience — it’s so good to know that couples CAN survive infidelity, and even develop a stronger marriage because of it!

    It almost sounds like getting cancer: you’d never ever wish for it, but sometimes it makes your life better and more meaningful.

    My friend’s husband cheated on her six years ago, and their marriage has never been better. It was a long process of healing and rebuilding trust, but they’re TIGHT now.

    Thanks again for sharing, and I wish you all the best in your marriage.


  130. I recently found out my husband was having an emotional affair with someone he not only commuted to work with, but also a younger woman who introduced him to her religion and attended Kingdom Hall with.

    We have been married almost nine years and have two wonderful boys. Our marriage, for the first five years was good, but the last four were very hard with his completing school, changing jobs ever six months (his choice), moving and then finally forcing his new religion on our family and trying to change our lives. I reacted with resentment and anger. I was feeling completely alone in our marriage by then, but never once thought of finding comfort outside of our relationship. Although he accused me of cheating on him, he was the one having an affair.

    The warning signs are so true!! Coming home later and later, being very critical of everything I did, and cell phone records that were astounding!!! I had the evidence right in front of me, but since he knew I never checked the cell phone records, he felt safe calling her hour after hour and texting over 800 text messages a month – just to her. He would even be on the phone with her, accept my call, then go right back to talking with her. When they weren’t on the phone, they were texting each other. I feel so stupid for not having seen this earlier. He would share important, emotionally charged information with her before he even thought of me. I was always last on the list to find anything out, if at all.

    I think the one thing that hurts me most is that he was more involved with her, as I am struggling with health issues, and not only did I not have his support, but that on my birthday, while I was very ill, he sent her an email(from a secret account) telling her he was thinking about her constantly, and that he fell in love with her.

    I have cried so many days and night since finding out. It’s been almost a month, but feels more like a year. There isn’t a day that goes by where paranoia doesn’t creep in or where I feel somewhat depressed, hurt, betrayed, angry or just tired. It’s getting better, and having my husband talk through my emotions with me has brought us closer as we solve the riddle of what brought us to this point.

    He has admitted, after weeks, that he did have an affair, and has said all communication has been severed with her, and that he wants nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with me and will be here for me no matter what and would marry me again in a heartbeat. I want more than anything to trust him at his word, but both his actions and words have been nothing but a lie for so long; I’m struggling. I’m paranoid for the most part and check cell records online all the time, but there is still the issue of his work phone and blackberry to which he could use to contact her.

    When we discuss the issue, he says it really meant nothing to him and it was over – but her reply to his ending it was that it was her “Q to end her life”. Even if, as he says, he was never going to allow it to become physical and that it was definitely over for him, I don’t think it was that easy for her; but I don’t feel sorry for either one of them, as she was well aware he was married and had children and both of them should have never crossed that line. As hard as it is, I just have to believe that she is indeed out of our lives.

    We are seeing a marriage counselor and we are both very committed to saving out marriage. I just want to wake up one day and feel special again, and know that I can breathe without running to check his cell phone or the summary; that I can look at the man I married and know he is with me physically and emotionally.

    Fortunately, there is a silver lining, even in such a negative situation. We have grown closer, talk about a wide range of issues and topics that we would just fight over before, go on vacations with nary even a thought of a squabble, work through issues with respect and share intimacy in our communication once again. I always like to take something positive from something negative and I guess it took my husband, who is my heart and my center, to completely break our relationship and foundation down to nothing, so we could build back the beauty of trust, love, communication, loyalty and genuine affection for each other as well as ourselves and have a much stronger and wonderful marriage in the end.

    If you can survive the effects of infidelity, no matter what type, then there is really nothing out there which can tear you apart.

  131. Lisa, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Not trusting your husband, and those feelings of betrayal and suspicion, are so hard to live with.

    And, after 17 years together, and three kids! It’s heartbreaking. I’m glad you’re in counseling together.

    One of my friends’ husbands cheated on her, and they’ve rebuilt their marriage into a stronger, happier relationhip. It took a couple years to really trust him again, and they do have “systems” in place (eg, he calls her regularly when he’s out of town on business).

    Cheating tears at the fabric of marriage and changes how partners feel about each other — but it doesn’t have to rip relationships apart. Surviving an affair depends on so many things: the reasons for the betrayal, the personalities of the husband and wife, the married couple’s plan for the future, whether kids are involved.

    Lisa, I think you should be honest with him — get it out in the open. I don’t think you should keep checking up on him, because it’s killing your spirit and deadening your soul! Why should you have to monitor his behavior? You have your life and kids to take care of.

    Your husband needs to decide if he’s in or out of your marriage.

    I’d haul him into the counselor’s office and confront him there about what you’ve found. I’d ask for the counselor’s advice on the next step: does he move out until he decides if he’s committed to you or wants to explore another life? When he’s fully, 100% ready to rebuild your marriage, then you can work together. Until then, he’s just lying to you.

    To be fair, losing a job is a terrible experience for many men – it can wreak havoc on their self-confidence and self-image. It’s a difficult situation — but he needs to deal with his life in ways that don’t tear apart his family. He should not be playing around with dating websites and sending pictures to women.

    What’s your next step? And again, my heart goes out to you.

    All best,

  132. Med, thanks for sharing your life here — it takes alot of guts to talk about why you cheated, and how much pain it causes! I value your input.

    First, I think you need to stop seeing the other woman. Both you and she need to focus on the marriages you’re in. You chose to marry your partners, and you owe it to them (and yourselves) to focus on rebuilding your marriage.

    Second, I suggest you talk to someone in person regarding how to rebuild your marriage. Should you tell your wife that you cheated? I don’t know. It depends on your specific circumstances. Some counselors recommend talking about infidelity, while others don’t see the point.

    If my husband cheated, I’d want to know! But, you need to decide one way or another….and put your marriage first.

    If you’re planning to stay married, but still be obsessed about the other woman, then you might as well leave your wife. It’s not fair to her, and it’s not right.

    Finally, remember that there’s a bit of a “ho hum” routine to being married — and a misplaced spark of excitement to be with someone new. Your other woman may not be the only who’s really making you feel special….it may be the thrill of being with someone new. All relationships are exciting at first, and most settle down into a comfortable way of being together (couples can’t sustain the high for years!). So, even if you left your wife for the other woman, the thrill of that relationship may also subside.

    The bottom line is that you need to decide who you’re committed to: your wife or the other woman. Then, you need to act in ways that show that committment. Otherwise, you’re leading a terrible double life.

    What do you think of this? (And if anyone else has any tips or advice, you’re welcome to share your thoughts!)

    All best,

  133. Jill, your idea of relating to your husband and your own suspicions from a different place is a great idea!

    Now, the trick is getting to that different place 🙂

    You’re right: you can’t necessarily forget what he did, but you do have to let it go. It happened, he feels terrible, and he doesn’t want to be constantly reminded of how he betrayed you. Your situation seems like it could be a self-fulfilling prophecy: if you keep distrusting him and believing that he will cheat, then he’s morely likely to go ahead and do it.

    But, if you treat him like a loving, trusting, faithful husband, then he’s more likely to act that way.

    I’m NOT saying you’re responsible for his behavior. It’s just that people usually live up (or down) to our expectations…and you don’t want to set your marriage up for failure.

    I suggest you focus less on what he’s doing, and more on YOUR life. Build your own levels of self-confidence, independence, and happiness. Find your own source of peace and happiness, and work to nurture it. Become the woman you’ve always wanted to be – a woman you admire, respect, and like. Stop driving yourself crazy, and start being healthy! Being a healthy, strong, capable woman who is able to handle anything life brings will improve all your relationships — and keep you sane.

    Read books like Gary Neuman’s, find a support group, talk to other wives whose husbands cheated, go back to school, get a new job — do whatever it takes to find yourself and make yourself whole.

    What do you think? (And if anyone else has any tips or advice, you’re welcome to share your thoughts!)

    All best,

  134. I think my husband is trying to cheat on me. He lost his job back in April and we have had some problems that we are currently receiving counseling on. Back in the beginning of June I found that he was going on a sex-dating website, recruiting women. He doesn’t know it, but I have access to both the sex site and his personal email. When I approached him about the website, he apologized and said he was sorry and that he was embarrassed. I told him I would not tolerate it. He cancelled the membership in front of my eyes and told me he wouldn’t do it again and that he knew it was wrong. I even brought it up at our counseling session and he reassured me and the counselor that he would not pursue. However, I went on the site on 6/11 and found that he did contact this girl after she had sent him a message. He did say that coming to the site was wrong and thanked her for showing some interest so that he doesn’t feel like such a loser. So I thought that was it. Then I discovered she sent him a message on his personal mail although I didn’t actually read it. I found out by being on the sex site. Now today I found that he sent his picture to someone that I know is this girl by her address. So now what? Do I keep checking up on him to see if he takes it any further or do I approach him and lose all chances of ever trusting him again. I think that if I let him know I saw the photo he’ll know I have acess to his account and I will lose any chance of gaining info. My husband is notorious for going to “the library” supposedly looking for a job. I am crushed. We have been married 17 years and we have three beautiful children….11 year old daughter and twin boy/girl 8 years old. I would have never thought my marriage would be like this. My marriage was always the most confident thing in my life. I am devestated and so heartbroken!

  135. Hi i am 27 years old and i have six years of marriage. My wife is a good looking and nice person, but I never feel love for her and I never thought that I”m goona cheat on her some day…But suddenly it happened.

    I know that I will sound like stupid loser and crazy, but it happened to me, which I never ever thought that it would or that love existed. I never was in love befoore, but with this girl I am in love. She is married too, she have almost same backgound as I have, her husban doesn’t make her happy and doesn’t appreciate what she have, she is very good looking and nice woman. She like every thing that I am and she really makes me feel who I really am. She loves me too, I am not a rich man but I have very good reputation around (untill now)…

    I really don’t ant to hurt my wife. If she finds out she will be very very hurt and I dont want that to happen, but I am I love with another woman…ohh God.

    I need someon’es opinion or suggestion. It will be helpful for me in these difficult days, months or years for me. Thanks.
    Sorry for my english.

  136. I’ve caught my husband more than a few times and in a few different ways lying about internet porn. I told him it”s offensive to me and he said he lied because he was embarrassed about it (after 7 yrs of marriage at that time).

    Now, 9 yrs. later I still feel like he totally sneaks chats and peaks and I’ve driven myself CRAZY trying to find proof (even though I already had proof) but if I bring anything internet pornchat/yahoo alias id”s,etc,, up with him, he gets REALLY mad and tells me HE DOES NOT chat, blog, have any other email alias’ “THAT HE CAN REMEMBER, OR THAT HE IS AWARE OF” but I”m using an older alias of his right now thst somehow attached itself to my email address and he still says “I don”t remember” and tells me I need to trust him. I can”t just FORGET! I’m HUMAN!

    I don”t like this feeling of not being able to voice my opinions, hurts, fears on certain topics anymore. On the verge of some change I think. Anyone else at the REALLY FOR REAL almost fed up with the hamster wheel thinking yet, or even better, just got off the wheele and back on the main road of living out of love, instead of living out of fear?????

    Thanks in advance for ANY words of wisdom. I want to relate to this stuff from a different place!!!!!

  137. Actually, we talked more, and said now that he knows how much this hurts me and affects me, that he has promised to stop going on these sites. It takes alot to get through to him. He says it’s always what I want, and that he always has to change for ME.
    And then he tries to turn everything around on me.
    He said, to ask you what about when we occaisonally go out for dinner and few drinks, and I end up socializing with people I see.
    He says that is a way of cheating, because I end up talking to guys and they only want one thing !!
    Which is not true, I try to get him involved in the conversation, but ends up walking away pissed off, so i have to end the conversation as well because i know he is pissed off.
    so anyways, we will see how he does.

  138. Watching other women and visiting sites like that IS a big deal, and you’re right to be concerned about it! Of course he says it’s no big deal, everyone does it — that’s a common way to rationalize anything from cheating on your parter to gambling your salary away. That’s how we shrug off our addictions: we rationalize.

    Your gut is telling you it’s not right or healthy, and your gut is right!

    Unfortunately, you won’t be able to change his mind – unless he agrees to couples counseling or hears someone he respects say that it’s a type of cheating.

    Here’s a callout to women who have succeed in convincing their husbands to stop looking at those sites! If your husband was once addicted to looking at other women, please tell us how it worked out. Did you achieve your goal of creating a strong, healthy marriage?

    Diane, this might be a good way of figuring out what you should do: find women who were in similar circumstances, and learn from them.

    I’d say leave him, but I KNOW it’s much more complicated than that.

    Hopefully, someone will weigh in here…..and tell us what worked for her, in terms of her cheating husband!

  139. Yes, I have talked to him the other nite about it, and he said that he is going to continue going on these sites, because it’s the only way to relieve himself if we haven’t made love in a few days or a week. He said I left him no choice because he has bought Playboy magazines, or bought porn cd’s and I would find them and I would throw them out, so now if he wants to relieve himself and I am not here to help him with that, then the computer porn sites are his other alternative. He said, that he not looking to meet up with anyone, that those sites pop up.
    So, I guess your right, I have to decide if I want to live with it or not.
    It’s hard decision because I do love him, and he a really good guy, other than he can be a hot head sometimes, if provoked.
    I really hate that he visits these sites. I can’t help thinking and feeling that he is not be faithful to our marriage by doing this.
    But he makes it sound like it’s no big deal, and it’s not like that.
    He said alot of fellow workers from his job do the same thing.
    Because I had asked him, to ask other spouses. But I meant their wifes. I am sure they don;t agree with it either, or they don;t know their husbands are looking at these site. I think they should be banned. It is aweful.
    So, I don;t know what to do.
    I just can’t help feeling like i can’t fully trust him because of this.

    Thanks for your help.

  140. And by the way — YES, Diane! Your husband is cheating on you by surfing those sites. Looking at other women is marital infidelity…and hanging around on match sites is a red flag that doesn’t bode well for the future.

    I’m sorry — this probably isn’t lifting your spirits, but…it’s reality.

  141. There’s nothing you can do to make him stop — you can’t make any adult do anything! I’m sorry to say, you don’t have the power to make him stop visiting those sites…that’s something he has to do. He has to choose you and his marriage over his own desires.

    Diane, you need to decide if your marriage is working for you (to borrow a phrase from Dr Phil!). Is it making you happy, fulfilling you as a woman, helping you achieve your goals? If you’re not getting what you need from your husband — and if he keeps cheating and blows up at you — then you have to re-evaluate not just your marriage, but your life.

    If he’s unwilling to change or work on your marriage, then it’s up to you to decide if you want to accept your marriage as it is and your husband as he is, or if you want to move on without him.

    Have you talked to him about why he’s cheating this way?

  142. My husband is addicted to porn sites. I feel it is also a way of cheating on me. He tries to hide it. He does it when i am work.
    He also has been on match sites. Maybe he is trying to hook up with someone. When i ask him he blows up at me and he was ready to throw a lamp at me last nite.
    I hate that he goes on these sites.
    what can I do to make him stop.
    It’s not that he doesn’t get love making at home. It’s aleast 2-3 times a week.
    I don’t understand. and i hate it.

  143. Joey

    Thank you for sharing your story! I think I am similar as your partner ( ashamed to admit it) I only see that as I read your entry! I do work full-time, we do have kids, we do have sex, BUT I am living in turmoil… I have tried and tried to make things work … I’ve been married for 13 years and with him for 20 all together… I was only 17 when we committed to each other. I know nothing else in life about love, partnership and relationships other than what I have and had over the years. My honey has done many shameful things, dishonesty, emotional infidelity, addictions, lack of support, mental abuse and neglect … he works 24-7, seems to be disconnected and makes choices I disagree with. I have heard similar comments from my man as you wrote earlier this week. WOW, I have insulted his intelligence, I have ridiculed him for choices and interests I disagree with, I have rejected his attempts that I felt were too little too late, I find his faults before his strengths as a person. He is was / and will cheat on me Im sure!!! I have some black and white proof… He down plays the evidence (printed off emails from 2 other women) he minimizes the language used ” sexy-babe, I miss you too, wow you look amazing, I would love to text, talk and see you! and his cell phone # attached!!!!! Still today he states its “NOTHING” BUT it is something to me!!! I need trust… SO this is where your entry has enlightened me. Although he has done damaging things in the relationship, I too am hindering the growth by “being emotionally disconnected, insulting him, disregarding him, ignoring him, making excuses for him … I have been wounded, my heart is bleeding out, I’m losing the essence / vitality of oxygen to live on with this routine, this insane lifestyle we have carved out for ourselves. I thank you for your words, your strength to open up and share your “side of things” I think you have told me what my husband could not! I have heard similar comments between breaths while arguing, but I never “HEARD” what he was saying I just judged it … I can justify every inappropriate comment and action I’ve taken against him … as there is a past and history he built in the early years of our relationship. I never let go of what happened, or dealt with the pain I endured … things would get swept under the carpet and the clock kept ticking I’m 37 now with 3 kids, 17, 15, 11. I am ready to roll up my sleeves and get messy! I wrote down your key points ” emotional abandonment, rejection, lack of compliments, lack of sex, harsh insults” I see I do these things as I want him to hurt!!!! Seeing we females handle emotions differently from men, I wanted to “stick it too him” at times and see his pain … What kind of person am I that I take a sick and twisted pleasure in hurting him BACK!!!! I am ready to work it out. Acknowledging my wrong doing and seeing my role helps me “fix” what I never realized was broken … I was breaking things apart as well as he was. I only saw what he was doing as the problem and not owning what I was doing wrong. I shake my head and think how could I not see what I have been involved with??? … All I need now is trust, commitment and a re-connection with him to prove it is worth while. I can script the “Fairy Tale” I’ve always dreamed about since I was about 10 years old… finding my prince, and living happily ever after….

    This has been more than helpful too me! I needed someone to show me that I am not as innocent in all this as I once believed I was. I don’t take all the blame, I am not attacking myself, but rather opening my eyes to WHO,and WHAT, I have been and brought to this disarray! I was looking for the “Cause and effect” The Action and the reaction the rhyme and reason behind the pain! Which I think I found .. in your posting!

    I wish the best for all parties involved, men-women and children who are suffering with relationship distress and disfunction …. Step back and see what I saw ” what am I doing? what has been my role?”

    Peace to us all

  144. I will probably be leaving her ASAP – I cannot handle the verbal abuse any longer. Her unwillingness to try to get a job is taking it’s toll on me…. my health is failing me, I have anxiety and panic attacks, and I’m constantly depressed. The stress has caused me a major 3+ year long battle with eczema. I’m embarrassed to even shake hands with people…..

  145. Thanks for your perspective, Joey — it’s not often I hear men talk about how some women make them feel in relationships! It sounds like you’re exactly the kind of guy that Gary Neuman was talking about in his book “Why Men Cheat.”

    I’m sorry your marriage is so rough, and I hope you and your wife find a healthy way out of the way it is now.


  146. To all you women who beleive that ALL men cheat because they are more interested in the sex – I say: “BLEEP You!” I’ve lived with a wife who for the past 3 years of our marriage has done nothing but emotionally and verbally abuse me, emotionally abandon and neglect me, and constantly reject my attempts to build a stronger marriage. All teh while, refusing counseling and doing nothing to help out financially but place the burden of it all upon my shoulders.

    Of course I flirt with other women! It makes me feel good about myself. The wife NEVER compliments me and uses every opportunity to tear me down with the harshest of insults. I have been nothing but kind and sweet and genereous to her. ANd she still has nothign good to say abnout me. Ever.

    So yes I do flirt. It’s nice feeling like somebody likes me for me. It’s nice to not be ridiculed. I can’t leave the wife since I am wayyy too far in debt, and I have no one to turn to where I live.

    For all teh false accusations I’ve suffered, I am on the brink of WANTING to cheat! She hasn’t given up any sex in four months! No matter how many dishes I do, how much laundry I clean, or how many gifts I shower upon her. My efforts fail at every tun. I once was a hopeless romantic. Now, I just feel so broken and broken-hearted inside. She still hasn’t taken my last name, and after we wed, she decided she didn’t want children……. ripping my very heart out!

    So to all you wimmin who are so high and mighty – TAKE OWNERSHIP of YOUR part of how you make your men feel!

  147. Are you serious? Yikes — I’d get as far away from him as I can. He’s one of those men that Gary Neuman mentioned: they cheat no matter how great their relationships are. They’re just jerks. I don’t know what this guy’s problem is – why he’s cheating on his girlfriend/wife, why he needs to lead you on – and it doesn’t even matter!

    At least this guy is honest with you about having a girlfriend and getting married! But unless you want to keep getting treated like garbage, I’d move on as fast as possible.

  148. Hi , i had a old friend whom i had a fling with in the past .Its been six year since ive seen him i made him lunch.A few times he told me he shouldnt come and see me he has a girlfriend.Then he turnns around and tells me there is something abot me that drives him nuts and how crazy it is.Three weeks of hangind out a bit , he got married in los vegas and didnt tell me.When he got home he send a e mail saing he counldnt wait to see me.He stasrted e mailing and calling more but staying away from my home.He has said and i have said we should talk but then he sends a e mail asking how i am .I tink about him all the time and he says he trys to forgt about me but cant.whats this all about??

  149. Tom, how interesting, but not surprising, you recieve my response as ‘angry.’ This is a text book response from individuals in our society that ‘tag’ labels/names when they are offended and defensive when the subject is close to home.

    My email was about respect and love in a relationship that stops ‘good men’ in their tracks in tempting situations; and not simplifying something so complex as ‘why men cheat;’ and I touched a little on the rampent cultural norms today that contribute and have many thorougly confused, feeling inadequate (on both sides) and they believe what they see and hear in the media.

    Lynn was quick to point out that many women take on too much responsibility in their relationships and blame themselves so that some women that might be reading this book and read her blog response don’t start coming up with another exuse for their husbands infidelity which is usually attached to emotional or mental abuse.

    Yes, women cheat too. But the subject was “why men cheat” and my collegue and I have been bombarded enough in the past year with women in our circle of friends, family and even those we barely know that are realing from the effects of their spouses infidelity…a good number of which were fed by the internet – which is apparently a good way to find ‘no strings attached sex’ whether you want to pay for it or not. Then there is the interesting but not so surprising addiction to porn on the internet by not just married men, but even clergy – as one we interviewed was counseling preists on their difficulty fighting their urge to watch porn on the internet.

    “Intimacy” is a subject that needs to be revisited on a core level as it is not addressed or harolded in our culture anymore. Casual sex is glorified on many levels which has confused our youth so much so that they have very little faith in love and marriage and commitment – as their are no boundaries, testiments, and goals showcased in our very loud media culture – which surprise, surprise – feeds into our homes.

    So, the question really is a moral one isn’t it Tom. Those with high moral standards, that are practicing good and listening to their conscience and remembering the person they fell in love with and why they committed to them and if they are really making an effort everyday to nuture that relationship which means drawing hard lines like telling your spouse you feel unappreciated. This of course gives your spouse a chance to reflect on their behavior and make choices on how to show their spouse they appreciate them. This of course is taking one small and simple example in the complex house of love.

    Try and stop the narrow and limited thinking that accompanyies laying name calling like ‘angry women.’ I’m not calling you any names but asking you to reflect on a position or conclusion on a subject that cannot be narrowed down to a or b – because it’s always a question of morals, value and virtue – choices. No defense should be given to those that make the wrong moral choices – What are we teaching our children? The gift of many excuses?
    What about teaching our childrent that when we make big mistakes – we admit to them and try to find what is broken in us that made us hurt the one we loved the most. Let’s actually bring into light something courage with honesty – this is always about facing our worst fears. That is courage – facing your fears, not feeding your passions. What a gift that would be for the youth in our country. And maybe as a society we should stop accepting what was never acceptable. Just becuase we are overwhelmed and the old saying ‘if you can’t beat em, join them’ has to be changed to “if you can’t beat them, stay fighting fair and for the good for ourselves and our children – because we all deserve better than this’ Get off the fence, make a choice and take a stand. Don’t accept what you know in your heart should never be acceptable and hope your children somehow are not effected. There is no way around it until you take a stand for what is right and stop making excuses for wrongs.

  150. Many women are offended and even enraged at Gary Neuman’s suggestions, because he seems to be putting the onus on wives. But, he says he’s empowering women, giving them tools to protect their marriages so men don’t cheat.

    It may not be a “cause and effect” thing. That is, Neuman may not be saying men cheat because women ignore them. Rather it may be more of a “correlation” thing: men are more likely to cheat if they have wives who aren’t appreciative, or physically and emotionally connected.

    Neuman isn’t just pulling this stuff out of his hat — he researched unfaithful married couples, and he’s just sharing what he’s learned. I’m pretty sure he’s not saying cheating is okay! He’s just explaining why he thinks men cheat.

    He also points out that some men cheat on their wives no matter what, and that this isn’t a reflection of the wives or their level of appreciation.

  151. I disagree with Lynn and Allison. The author is trying to point out the underlying basis for affairs and not to assign blame.

    I get the feeling that Lynn and Allison are generally angry about many things in their lives and men are #1 on their list.

    There are many men who are caring, sensitive, and responsible and are still met with underappreciation at home. This is not an excuse for a guy to have an affair. If this was going on, I would recommend for the guy to talk to his wife about it and if it still doesn’t improve, I suggest he gets divorced before having an affair.

    However, the author is trying to point out that underappreciation whether real or not is a common feeling in men that cheat. If the goal is to prevent cheating, then maybe it may be wise to address the underappreciation problem. Maybe Allison and Lynn’s goals are not to prevent cheating. I get the sense that if their spouses cheated on them, they would be kicked out and these women can continue on with their angry lives. To continue to live with these losers is to live a self-defeated life. I can understand that but know that the author’s goal then is entirely different. He wants to preserve marriages – which is one of the most difficult things to do in counseling. And to do that – yes, he will point out things that women don’t like to hear because in so many ways, its always the guys fault so why should the women need to do ANYTHING about it.

    I say don’t do anything. You don’t have too. Let the guy cheat and then dump him. He’s no good anyways. But don’t jump on Mr. Neumann because his goal is to preserve the marriage – even after a traumatic thing such as an affair. And to do so, it take BOTH parties to compromise.

    So if saying a nice thing now and then to show appreciation is too hard for Lynn and Allison, then maybe marriage is not the thing for them.


  152. Thanks for your insights, Lynn & Allison!

    Allison, your book sounds fascinating — I love reading about how women settle in life, how they lose themselves in relationships, and how they sometimes sacrifice who they are to do what society or their families dictate.

    And sometimes we’re not even aware of what we’re doing – we’re conditioned not to make waves, not to disrupt the status quo.

    Anyway, I’m glad for your comments — please keep me posted on “Sisters”!

    It’ll be interesting to hear what Gary Neuman has to say about why women have affairs…


  153. Lynn, hit the nail on the head in many ways – Dr Newman’s perspective is very limited – which he obviously knows – becuase he’s studying women now. However, the conclusion to his study is more simplistic than this subject really is.

    Lynn at least includes the warped cultural norms that are rampant today. There are many taboo subjects that are not addressed that need to be. I hope the women reading this blog – read Lynn’s comments several times so they don’t forget it’s not their fault as is the same cultural norm that has been fed for far too long.

    There are good men out there that would never think of cheating on their wive’s, they are selfless and not selfish and they value their wives and their partnership far to much to consider jepardizing the woman they are sharing their life with.

    My colleague and I are writting a book and conducting interviews know – we are unclear on a name as we are in the northeast and want to make sure we get a clear representation of our southern, and western sisters. We are thinking of calling it – Soul Sisters…or Sisters – we are seeing a lot of women that settled – and it took a long time for them to realize it – as they were trying to fix their husbands. This is just one small piece but many made up for what their husbands lacked and then there were a lot that settled even more as the years progressed and essentiall sold, gave up, gave in. The women that did not compromise the respect they deserved either had changed men or men that were beyond being crushed because they never thought they could lose the woman they loved. The old cliche’ you don’t know what you have till its gone.

    In response to sex addicts – no morals and values is very close as most seem to have been raised with none and experience a heavy level of abuse and sexual abuse is high on the ladder.

    This is a loaded subject – but the advent of the internet and onslaught of pornography that gets more and more hard core – it is no surprise that on the rise of child pornography and sex trafficing. According to a few clergy we have interviewed that have been counseling sex addicts and married men that are cheating – many with prostitutes. This is a societal existance that was considered the bottom of the barrel as they are the largest spreaders of STD’s and according to the clergy this type of woman “really messes a man up and confuses them” as the men are ashamed and embarrassed. Yet, instead of having to look in the dark alleys for these types of women – they are advertising in the local news paper, on craiglist and on singles sights for sex. It’s rampant. So, here we have the bottom of the barrel – calling themselves “escorts” as if this raises their class and we as a society are ignoring it and doing nothing to curb its prevelance.

  154. In response to the book “Learning Why Men Cheat”. This is really more of the same just targeted at a new generation and millions of these books that state the obvious will likely be sold, not to mention the attention it will get from outraged women, which is the intent, so congratulations. Whatever happened to common respect? Marriage counselor Neuman says men cheat because of: Loneliness in their relationship or marriage. Affirmation from “the other women.” And not enough attention at home. He left out that they also cheat to fit in with other guys they’re friends with and work with because it is more and more socially acceptable for married men to cheat and they like it that way and want it to be even more acceptable. Books like this make it okay because it puts the blame on wives, soon there will be a book putting the blame on their children. There are also men who will drive this into the ground, with exhausted worn out wife at home, “she couldn’t give me the attention I needed”.

    This might come as a shock but there are many married women over the years who have been lonely, get flirted with by men regularly, and who do not get enough attention at home and who, yes cheat because of that, many emotionally cheat with another man and it is not a new phenominon. If you factor in fear of physical abuse from husbands and social stigma towards women who cheat, there are probably more wives who cheat than husbands, you just don’t know about it. Women are emotional, which everyone is aware of, much more than men, and because of their emotional needs that many men joke about and ignore, and pressure put on women to be caregivers (which books like this pile it on even thicker), leaves little if any energy or time for women, for themselves on a day to day basis and it eats away at ones self esteem. Women then rely on a husband to fill that void and help. Often husbands don’t because they are too focused on themselves which is the basis of Neumans book, men basically lack mature responsibility and are self centered. This leads many women to get the attention they need from someone else if not sooner, then later. The so called higher number of wives cheating in recent years, really isn’t a new thing, it’s just not as easy for women to hide as it used to be. I cannot count how many women I’ve known who have dealt with this immature self centered attitude from men, and who have simply given up on them. Eventually wives figure out if they didn’t already know going in to marriage, that for many women it is not an equal playing field and marriage usually isn’t a partnership. After all, it isn’t exactly condusive to ones self esteem when your husband is constantly flirting or pursuing other women. Or after a 12 hour work day in an office, you go by the daycare pick up the kids, go home, fix dinner, do a load of laundry and help with homework, while he sits in front of the tv, then has his nightly romp with you, and you still have time and energy to somehow follow him in the things he’s interested in which is usually a sport, and yet he still cheats. And then the wife says, what did I do wrong? So wives move on emotionally and just treat their daily routine like a job and are very discrete about their other activities, while men are not so discrete because it is more and more socially acceptable for them to cheat. Again, life goes on, more of the same old thing, where if men and women simply had respect for each other and treated each other with respect, it could make such a difference in marriage.

  155. Your husband’s secret relationships with women aren’t so secret after all! I’m sorry, Barb Ann – it sounds like he has an unhealthy need to interact with other women.

    Whether it’s a bunch of emotional affairs or a series of full blown cheating matters less than YOUR response. What kind of a marriage is this for you, and what kind of a marriage do you want for yourself? If he’s not willing to work on your relationship with you, then I suggest you get individual counseling or go to workshops or do something that helps you grow into a strong healthy independent woman.

    I think your husband has broken the vows of your marriage — but it’s up to you to respond to his actions. I don’t know if he’s willing to rethink the way he’s been treating you — but I encourage you to rethink the way you’re allowing yourself to be treated.

    Thanks for sharing, Barb Ann, and I wish you all the best. If have further thoughts or comments, I’m right here!


  156. My husband has had several secret relationships with women from work over the years. He gets invested in their personal lives. One woman he met because they did sports activities together. He spent over 1200 minutes of phone calls talking to her in one month. He insists when they met he was always with a group. When I got the phone bill, they both denied knowing each other. He says he knows it was wrong and was sorry …for a while.

    Once he met a woman working in the US from Britain. Because of her marital problems my husband ended up holding her passport, green card and immigration papers. At first, he said he just talked to her at work. Then they had lunch with a group of people once or twice. He went on a sales call (in home sales) and got home at 11:30 PM

    There seems to be someone new now. She called his cell phone at 8:30 on a Sunday morning. She works at his office. When I asked him about it, he first said it was work related. He said it was a voice message from the previous afternoon. I saw both a morning and afternoon call on the list originally. After I mentioned it, the morning call was erased. He always answers his work calls with peoples names….Hi Kelly, Jeffrey, how’s it going……When this person calls, he says< ” Hiiiiii” and his voice deepens.

    Is there such a thing as a person who has many emotional affairs or is this just a series of full blown cheating?

  157. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Tata, I’m sorry that your husband cheated on you and that you have a child together.

    I wish I had a magic solution that will bring you two back together, but I don’t think it’s that easy. If he doesn’t want to be married, then I don’t know that there’s much you can do to get him back.

    The best route may be to be a good friend to him. You say you still have good relations — I’d suggest not pushing him to get back together, but encouraging him to have a good relationship with your child. Be a supportive person in his life, but don’t push him into a relationship he’s not ready to go back to.

    I also suggest moving on with your life. I know it’s painful, but having your own life and interests will not only make you feel better, it’ll make you more attractive to your ex (and other people!). Sometimes moving on is the best option — and I encourage you to build a happy, healthy life.

    Plus, if he cheated on you once, he may cheat on you again and again. Can you trust him? I don’t know — it’s just something to consider.

    Good luck, Tata……and be a strong, healthy woman!


  158. Please provide me with your advice.
    I have been living with my husband 5 years and we are having a child.
    we have seperated for 6 months alreay and I discovered that he has been cheating.
    we are having still good relations with each other, but he keeps his relations with her cowerker still.
    Please helm me and advice me what can I do and how can I get back my ex, as I still love him too much.

    Thanks for your support.


  159. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    The secret to staying faithful has been studied by researchers from UCLA and the online dating service eHarmony. It boils down to one thing: remembering the love you feel for your partner (or once felt!).

  160. I totally believe that their is an emotional cheater,like it was said on the Today Show, you don’t have to have sex to cheat. Seeking that attention from another man/woman, flirting, texting, emails, phone calls. If you cannot have an emotional connection with your spouse you should not be married.

  161. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    No solution to sexual addiction? Some people (like Dr Laura Schlessinger) don’t even believe there’s such a thing as sexual addiction – they just think the person has no morals or values.

    About your question, Dawn: what if 12 different people tell you do to 12 different things with a guy who cheats on you? Then what do you do?

    I think you need to figure out what’s best for you, and get help, and then follow through with your decision (it’s usually easier when you have support). I think you should follow your gut. If he’s telling you there’s no solution, then you need to do some research on your own.

    If I were in your situation, I’d leave so fast he wouldn’t know what hit him. But everyone’s different – some people have reasons for staying in a relationship that baffle others.

    What do YOU think you should do?

  162. You know what, how about if the husband is sexually addicted, there is no solution to that addiction. It is worse than cheating. He always find means and ways to have sex with different women by hook or by crook. Tell me what to do with this situation. Thanks much.

  163. Hello Laurie: You may want to take a peek at my “Love Lies and Brain Scans” which appeared in my regular column for the Providence Journal. For $10,000 some people are requesting the scans to determine fidelity and infidelity. But you will be amused by the common sense ending. Right now it is posted on September 9th at http://www.ritawatson.com. Later today I will have it added to the relationship columns. I did just notice a Pingback (however, it is an earlier version because the one up there includes your name. Happiness/ R

  164. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Why do women cheat on their husbands? Dr Neuman is gathering research on that now, and told Oprah he’ll be writing a book about why women cheat next.

    So, perhaps husbands will soon be asking their wives to take a lie detector test…I wonder if women are more likely to ‘fess up to marital affairs? According to Dr Neuman in The Truth About Cheating, men don’t usually spill the beans unless asked.

  165. You are correct. Lie Detector (polygraph) testing has been used for many years to determine whether a person has been involved in extramarital relationships, and it’s use continues to grow worldwide.

    Michael Martin
    Global Polygraph Network