When the Man You Married Changed – and Not for Better

Your husband isn’t the same man you married, and it’s unsettling – or downright scary. Read my tips for coping when your husband is different than he was before, and start Blossoming into the woman God created you to be.

“My husband isn’t the man I married and it scares me,” says Alice on How to Cope With Changes in Your Marriage. “He hasn’t changed in bad ways but that’s what makes it worse because I worry he might leave me. I can’t believe I’m admitting this but it feels good to finally talk about it. My husband got a job promotion 6 months ago and is so happy at work. He started working out and has lost about 25 pounds. I’m overweight and don’t have anything fulfilling in my life. I’m not normally depressed but watching my husband make these changes in his life makes me fear for our relationship. How can I cope with these changes in our marriage?”

Oh yes, I have about a million for coping when your husband is no longer the man you married! This is one of my favorite topics to write about: Blossoming when a season of your life – or a stage of your relationship – has changed or ended.

4 Ways to Cope With Your Husband’s Changes

The most important tip – which only you can take care of – is to figure out what exactly has changed. In her comment, Alice said her husband isn’t the man she married because he got a job promotion and adopted a healthier lifestyle. Her husband’s life and work changes is making Alice feel insecure, left out, and worried about their future together as a married couple.

What about you? Write down the reason you’re searching for “the man I married changed.” Get clear on what changes are scaring or worrying you, and why you think those changes are happening.

And then…

Celebrate the positive changes in your husband

If your husband is in a healthy new season of his life, celebrate with him! He is growing and learning, striving and achieving. Perhaps he is even becoming the man he was created to be. This is awesome – even though it’s scary. Your husband may not be the man you married, but he may be changing into the man God wants him to be.  And what could be better?

Support your husband’s healthy changes. Be there for him emotionally, socially, spiritually. Learn how to separate your fears, insecurities, and even your jealousy from your relationship with him. Deal with your own issues without dragging him into a dark valley of anxiety, turmoil, or stress.

Has your husband changed in negative, unhealthy, or abusive ways? Tell me your story below; I can’t give advice, but I may have written an article that may help you.

Make changes you have control over (in yourself!)

If you’re unhappy, then you need to start digging into your own psyche. Don’t rely on your husband to make you happy! His job is to love and respect you, to work in partnership with you, and to be a good husband and father. Your husband can’t make you happy, and he can’t make you Blossom into the woman you were created to be. Only God can do that – and only you can create the conditions to make those changes possible.

So…what changes can you make in your life and marriage? This depends on why and how your husband has changed, and what’s different about your marriage now. If you’re too emotionally attached and dependent on your husband, learn ways to stop being clingy in a relationship.

Focus on flourishing in your life and relationships

Women sometimes fall into the trap of nurturing, giving, and allowing themselves to be totally consumed by their relationships. We’re emotional, loving, and relational. Women get a lot of joy, meaning, and fulfillment from their family and social relationships – and this can actually be a negative thing in our lives.

Why? Because we can give so much to our marriages, children, and other relationships that we have nothing left over for ourselves. And then, if someone we love changes (such as our husbands changing and not being the men we married), we’re lost and bewildered.

Here’s a quick tip for coping when your husband is no longer the man you married: find ways to Blossom into a strong, healthy, Spirit-filled, joyful, centered woman who isn’t spiritually or emotionally dependent on her husband. Learn healthy interdependence in marriage, and find ways to let go of your husband in ways that affirm and love him.

If your marriage has been codependent and you’re struggling as a couple, learn how letting go helps you heal and Blossom.

Accept that your marriage will never be the way it was before

Here’s another comment from a reader who is struggling because her husband is different now:

“I just want my husband back, I want our relationship to be the way it was when we first got married,” says Alana on How to Cope When Your Husband Leaves You for Her. “I told him nothing can destroy our marriage from the outside, but only from the inside and that we can get through anything together. But he’s not the man I married and it’s terrible. He says there’s no way in the world that we could ever be together now because he fell in love with someone else. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand it! I loved and still love my husband so much. I wonder does he really love her?? Can he?? How can someone just move on with someone else like that? He doesn’t even seem to be concerned that i’m barely functioning.”

Don’t waste your time and energy wishing your husband hasn’t changed, or regretting anything about your marriage. Don’t spend your precious days pining after the man you married! “Look, I am doing a new thing!” God told Isaiah. “Do you not perceive it?”

New things are scary, but good. Accept that the man you married is different now. Let your husband evolve into a new man, and join him in the healthy changes he’s making in his life.

Become the woman God is calling you to be

Who are you, where are you going, why are you here?

the man i married

When the Man You Married Isn’t the Same

You may not know the answer to many or any of those questions, but God does. You may not be ready to let go of the idea that your marriage or husband is the sole purpose for your life, but God knows better. You may think that your life will end if your husband doesn’t change back into the man he was when you first got married…but God has a plan for you.

God has a plan for your life, and it’s all about Blossoming you into the woman He created you to be. Do not forget this, even if you’re worried about your marriage, your husband, and your kids. Stay focused on His plan for your life.

How do you feel after reading my tips on how to cope when the man you marry is different after years (or months!) of marriage? Your comments are welcome below. I’d love to hear from you – and you may find it helpful and healing to share your story.

May you find peace in your heart, joy in your spirit, and love in your marriage. May you and your husband reconnect and – together – become the couple God wants you to be.


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2 thoughts on “When the Man You Married Changed – and Not for Better”

  1. I have been with my husband 15 years. It’s not perfect but I loved him to death and could not imagine being without him. My brother was having health problems and a friend of his (his realtor and friend) called me and he was very concerned and we only spoke about my brother, maybe a total of five times. I was NOT hiding this as I was NOT cheating or anything bad. I was very concerned about my brother who lived in another town.
    My husband apparently had gotten upset about these calls, this guy called when we were on a trip and I didn’t pick up. This has started a YEAR LONG agony of my husband’s jealousy and emotional and mental abuse. He cannot get OVER THIS GUY. I don’t even really KNOW THIS GUY. I can’t even explain the mess he pulls. Not eating for days, not sleeping, crying. Then, he’s fine. (because my brother had brought a pregnant stripper home to live with him at 65, I was very concerned) SO this crap goes on for months. THEN the stripper who is now pregnant again with supposedly my brother’s child overdoses on heroin and she and the baby die. My brother is distraught even though we all were glad to get him away from her. My brother dies of a heart attack the next week. I had to go to the town where my brother lived for the funeral the arrangements etc because he had lost his wife 7 years ago. They sent the realtor (the guy that called me) to open the lock box and get the key to me. First time I ever met this guy in person, he was with his gf, you would have thought we had sex on the grass in the front yard because my husband went back into his stupid, don’t eat cry, whatever sh*t for another few days. I can’t even explain all the crap that goes on. But I’m tired of all this crap. Blaming me for stuff that I didn’t do. And he freaked every time I went out of town to help the boys pack my brother’s house (it sold and we had to get it completeley empty) It’s been a nightmare. I don’t even know who this man is any more. And then he acts FINE, so that is even more confusing. I found a FREE marriage counselor and husband says we don’t need a counselor.

  2. My husband is having affair with a woman for 7 years. I found out 6 months ago and tried to stick to my marriage but he continued this affair. Tonight is the hardest because he took her out on her birthday. He lied of course “staying at work late”. I told him that I want a divorce and he replied by saying “go ahead”. I am trying not to stalk this other woman but I am comparing myself and finding fault within myself. The most stupid feeling is divorcing him would complete their relationship and left being lonely. I hate feeling inadequate.