Obsessive love is powerful – and destructive – because your heart is captivated. When you can’t stop thinking about him, your life is ruled by an impossible relationship. That’s the bad news. But wait – there’s good news! You CAN stop the destructive train wreck of obsessive love, and you can get emotionally and spiritually healthy again.
What’s your story? Maybe you can’t be with him because he’s a married man, or maybe he’s emotionally unavailable. Maybe you’re unequally yoked; you’re a Christian and he’s not a believer. Maybe you’re getting divorced after 25 years, and you can’t stop thinking about him because he betrayed you. Or maybe you’re hopelessly in love with a coworker who doesn’t know you’re alive. But really, it doesn’t matter what your exact circumstances are! Obsessive love doesn’t care about the facts…it only wants to be together.
I was inspired to write this article by a group of kind, nonjudgmental, loving women who have been supporting each other in the comments section of my article on breaking up with a married man and healing your heart. In fact, they were so supportive that I had to turn off comments on that article! We were approaching 1,300 comments, and it was too much for one blog post.
So, I decided to write an article to help women who are struggling with obsessive love, and who can’t stop thinking about a man.
Here’s a recent comment from the married man article:
“Only recently have I truly accepted the fact that the man I love isn’t leaving his wife,” says Anon. “I am only getting the crumbs of his love and emotion. I’m not even good enough to call or message even though He says it isn’t fair to me but I can’t imagine me not being in his life. What am I supposed to do? I can’t stop thinking about him and I know I have to let him go, but I can’t. He was my soulmate and I believe that. I can’t even be mad because I started this affair, I knew what I was doing. But love is love. Now, how do I get out of love without feeling the weight and guilt of losing my soulmate? I still want him to call. I still want him to leave her, but I know he won’t.”
How to Stop Obsessing About Him
These tips are for all women struggling with obsessive love. If you feel like you can’t stop thinking about a man you’re in love with, you will find a least a seed of hope and healing here.
1. Stop saying “I can’t stop thinking about him”
The more you tell yourself that you’ll never get over this relationship, the harder it’ll be to heal and move on. You believe what you tell yourself, and your feelings follow your thoughts. So, instead of saying you can’t stop thinking about him, focus your mind on positive ways to move forward.
In your private journal or the comments section below, write a replacement for the “can’t stop thinking about him” thought. For example, I’d focus on thoughts of healing, hope, joy, and letting go. I’ve been hurt really badly in past relationships — but I healed and moved on! Those past hurts and breakups helped me see that I can let go of a past relationship and be free and happy again.
2. Get to know your shadows and weaknesses
“Your shadow refers to all the things you hide, push away, or run from,” writes Hibbert and Those in Who Am I Without You?: Fifty-Two Ways to Rebuild Self-Esteem After a Breakup. “Your shadow is the things you deny and wish you didn’t see in yourself. The more we run from or deny the shadow, however, the bigger and scarier it becomes. It’s only in exposing shadows to the light that they disappear. As we face our weakness, our darkness, we take the shadow’s power away.”
Who Am I Without You? has a great tool for not only seeing and healing your shadow, but for rebuilding your life after a relationship ends.
If you’re focused on this obsessive love and you can’t stop thinking about him, then you’re not looking at someone more important: you. Well, actually, Jesus is THE most important person you could ever look at because only He has the power to heal you. For now, though, you need to take your eyes of this man (especially if he’s a married man who is cheating on his wife, who he vowed to love and cherish). Stop giving into to the selfish weak parts of your heart, and start learning why you’re so obsessed with this relationship.
3. Look at yourself through your mom’s or daughter’s eyes
Imagine sitting down with your mom or daughter, and telling her all about this relationship.
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What would it be like to tell her you can’t stop thinking about him? How would it feel to explain the depths of your obsessive love, the length of the dark shadows in your heart? What would she say about this relationship, and how would see see you?
If you can’t tell your mom or daughter about this man – or your feelings for him – then this relationship has the power to destroy your life. But it’s not just the relationship that has power — it’s your shadow side and weakness that is giving in! You are allowing feelings of obsessive love to control your life. You are giving in to the idea that you can’t stop thinking about him. You are being weak.
But, you don’t have to be weak anymore.
4. Find light, life, power, strength, healing, and freedom
Are you humbled and maybe even crushed because you’ve seen your dark side? Good. Perfect! This means you’re ready to be filled with the light, life, power, strength, healing, peace, and joy of freedom. You must hit rock bottom of obsessive love before you can start to heal and rise.
You can’t do this alone. You won’t find the power, strength, and healing you need in yourself — for you know how weak you are. You spirit is willing, you want to stop thinking about him, but you can’t because you aren’t God. You are simply a woman in love.
And, you won’t find strength you need to overcome the power of obsessive love in the comments section of online articles – even if they’re all about how to stop thinking about someone. Why? Because you’re simply dwelling in the pit of despair. The more you write and talk about what you can’t have and can’t overcome, the stronger those feelings of helplessness get.
5. Renew your mind
Stop allowing your emotions to rule your life! You are a grown woman, not a two year old child. You are smart. You are worthy of healthy love and a committed relationship that is filled with respect and honor. You are valuable because God created you in His image, to glorify Him. You are beautiful because God has a mission and purpose for your life.
In Living Beyond Your Feelings: Controlling Emotions So They Don’t Control You, Joyce Meyer teaches how to live beyond the emotions that can control us. She discusses obsessive love, uncontrollable anger, jealousy, fear, insecurity, loss, and grief.
It’s time for you to start focusing on what you want to CREATE in your life, not what you wish you had. Dwell in the land of possibility, hope, and freedom – not the wasteland of obsessive love. Stop saying you can’t stop thinking about him. Start cleaning up the mess and moving on with your life.
What say you? I know it’s hard to overcome those powerful feelings of obsessive love. I totally get it; I’ve been there. But, I also know that there comes a time for us to get out of the shadows and start living in the light.
It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
Your comments are welcome below! I’d love to hear from you. I don’t give advice, but you may find that sharing your story will help you heal and move on. Sometimes just getting it all out can be the most healing thing we can do…as long as we don’t dwell in the pit of despair.
Take a deep breath. Look up. Feel the light on your face. Receive the love of the spirit. You are alive and well, and you are here for a reason.
Laurie's "She Blossoms" Books
Growing Forward When You Can't Go Back offers hope, encouragement, and strength for women walking through loss. My Blossom Tips are fresh and practical - they stem from my own experiences with a schizophrenic mother, foster homes, a devastating family estrangement, and infertility.
How to Let Go of Someone You Love: Powerful Secrets (and Practical Tips!) for Healing Your Heart is filled with comforting and healthy breakup advice. The Blossom Tips will help you loosen unhealthy attachments to the past, seal your heart with peace, and move forward with joy.
When You Miss Him Like Crazy: 25 Lessons to Move You From Broken to Blossoming After a Breakup will help you refocus your life, re-create yourself, and start living fully again! Your spirit will rise and you'll blossom into who you were created to be.