Relationship Tips > Ex Relationships > 5 Ways to Stop Obsessing About Him

5 Ways to Stop Obsessing About Him

Obsessive love is powerful – and destructive – because your heart is captivated. When you can’t stop thinking about him, your life is ruled by an impossible relationship. That’s the bad news. But wait – there’s good news! You CAN stop the destructive train wreck of obsessive love, and you can get emotionally and spiritually healthy again.

What’s your story? Maybe you can’t be with him because he’s a married man, or maybe he’s emotionally unavailable. Maybe you’re unequally yoked; you’re a Christian and he’s not a believer. Maybe you’re getting divorced after 25 years, and you can’t stop thinking about him because he betrayed you. Or maybe you’re hopelessly in love with a coworker who doesn’t know you’re alive. But really, it doesn’t matter what your exact circumstances are! Obsessive love doesn’t care about the facts…it only wants to be together.

I was inspired to write this article by a group of kind, nonjudgmental, loving women who have been supporting each other in the comments section of my article on breaking up with a married man and healing your heart. In fact, they were so supportive that I had to turn off comments on that article! We were approaching 1,300 comments, and it was too much for one blog post.

So, I decided to write an article to help women who are struggling with obsessive love, and who can’t stop thinking about a man.

Here’s a recent comment from the married man article:

“Only recently have I truly accepted the fact that the man I love isn’t leaving his wife,” says Anon. “I am only getting the crumbs of his love and emotion. I’m not even good enough to call or message even though He says it isn’t fair to me but I can’t imagine me not being in his life. What am I supposed to do? I can’t stop thinking about him and I know I have to let him go, but I can’t. He was my soulmate and I believe that. I can’t even be mad because I started this affair, I knew what I was doing. But love is love. Now, how do I get out of love without feeling the weight and guilt of losing my soulmate? I still want him to call. I still want him to leave her, but I know he won’t.”

How to Stop Obsessing About Him

These tips are for all women struggling with obsessive love. If you feel like you can’t stop thinking about a man you’re in love with, you will find a least a seed of hope and healing here.

1. Stop saying “I can’t stop thinking about him”

The more you tell yourself that you’ll never get over this relationship, the harder it’ll be to heal and move on. You believe what you tell yourself, and your feelings follow your thoughts. So, instead of saying you can’t stop thinking about him, focus your mind on positive ways to move forward.

In your private journal or the comments section below, write a replacement for the “can’t stop thinking about him” thought. For example, I’d focus on thoughts of healing, hope, joy, and letting go. I’ve been hurt really badly in past relationships — but I healed and moved on! Those past hurts and breakups helped me see that I can let go of a past relationship and be free and happy again.

2. Get to know your shadows and weaknesses

“Your shadow refers to all the things you hide, push away, or run from,” writes Hibbert and Those in Who Am I Without You?: Fifty-Two Ways to Rebuild Self-Esteem After a Breakup. “Your shadow is the things you deny and wish you didn’t see in yourself. The more we run from or deny the shadow, however, the bigger and scarier it becomes. It’s only in exposing shadows to the light that they disappear. As we face our weakness, our darkness, we take the shadow’s power away.”

Who Am I Without You? has a great tool for not only seeing and healing your shadow, but for rebuilding your life after a relationship ends.


If you’re focused on this obsessive love and you can’t stop thinking about him, then you’re not looking at someone more important: you. Well, actually, Jesus is THE most important person you could ever look at because only He has the power to heal you. For now, though, you need to take your eyes of this man (especially if he’s a married man who is cheating on his wife, who he vowed to love and cherish). Stop giving into to the selfish weak parts of your heart, and start learning why you’re so obsessed with this relationship.

3. Look at yourself through your mom’s or daughter’s eyes

Imagine sitting down with your mom or daughter, and telling her all about this relationship.

obsessive love can't stop thinking about him

5 Things You Must Do to Stop Thinking About Him

What would it be like to tell her you can’t stop thinking about him? How would it feel to explain the depths of your obsessive love, the length of the dark shadows in your heart? What would she say about this relationship, and how would see see you?

If you can’t tell your mom or daughter about this man – or your feelings for him – then this relationship has the power to destroy your life. But it’s not just the relationship that has power — it’s your shadow side and weakness that is giving in! You are allowing feelings of obsessive love to control your life. You are giving in to the idea that you can’t stop thinking about him. You are being weak.

But, you don’t have to be weak anymore.

4. Find light, life, power, strength, healing, and freedom

Are you humbled and maybe even crushed because you’ve seen your dark side? Good. Perfect! This means you’re ready to be filled with the light, life, power, strength, healing, peace, and joy of freedom. You must hit rock bottom of obsessive love before you can start to heal and rise.

You can’t do this alone. You won’t find the power, strength, and healing you need in yourself — for you know how weak you are. You spirit is willing, you want to stop thinking about him, but you can’t because you aren’t God. You are simply a woman in love.

And, you won’t find strength you need to overcome the power of obsessive love in the comments section of online articles – even if they’re all about how to stop thinking about someone. Why? Because you’re simply dwelling in the pit of despair. The more you write and talk about what you can’t have and can’t overcome, the stronger those feelings of helplessness get.

5. Renew your mind

Stop allowing your emotions to rule your life! You are a grown woman, not a two year old child. You are smart. You are worthy of healthy love and a committed relationship that is filled with respect and honor. You are valuable because God created you in His image, to glorify Him. You are beautiful because God has a mission and purpose for your life.

obsessive love can't stop thinking about himIn Living Beyond Your Feelings: Controlling Emotions So They Don’t Control You, Joyce Meyer teaches how to live beyond the emotions that can control us. She discusses obsessive love, uncontrollable anger, jealousy, fear, insecurity, loss, and grief.

It’s time for you to start focusing on what you want to CREATE in your life, not what you wish you had. Dwell in the land of possibility, hope, and freedom – not the wasteland of obsessive love. Stop saying you can’t stop thinking about him. Start cleaning up the mess and moving on with your life.

What say you? I know it’s hard to overcome those powerful feelings of obsessive love. I totally get it; I’ve been there. But, I also know that there comes a time for us to get out of the shadows and start living in the light.

It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

Your comments are welcome below! I’d love to hear from you. I don’t give advice, but you may find that sharing your story will help you heal and move on. Sometimes just getting it all out can be the most healing thing we can do…as long as we don’t dwell in the pit of despair.

Take a deep breath. Look up. Feel the light on your face. Receive the love of the spirit. You are alive and well, and you are here for a reason.

xo

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795 thoughts on “5 Ways to Stop Obsessing About Him”

  1. I’m so glad you found each other, for support and encouragement! You’re in my thoughts and prayers – I really hope you’re able to move on, into a new season of your life. A season of fresh joy, new love, and renewed faith. May you also find a love relationship that is healthy and whole, and that helps you Blossom into the woman God created you to be.

    If the man you love isn’t helping you flourish and grow in positive ways, then it’s not love.

    I have to close the comments on this blog post, because it’s starting to slow down the page load times. But I don’t want to cut off your conversation! We just need to shift over to a different space, so this article doesn’t gum up the works.

    Come, talk here:
    https://howloveblossoms.com/how-to-break-your-addiction-to-a-toxic-relationship/

    Take good care of yourself, for you are worth taking good care of. If you aren’t receiving my weekly Blossom Tips and encouragement, sign up here: http://eepurl.com/ca2mJr . Last week I introduced Blossy, who is our new mascot 🙂

    xo
    Laurie

  2. As my saga continues, MM and I hooked up again last night. It was unexpected and kind of strange. I did ask why we do not go to hotel room and he said that he overthinks the situation and at times freaks out about it. I did enjoy it; but it is very strange this time. In the past, I would send me a text afterwards saying how much I enjoyed it, blahblahblah; but I did not and had no desire to either. Even today, I feel different…I could careless if he is feeling guilty or how is managing today. I am kind of numb and frankly even if he said he felt guilt not sure that I would believe it. Maybe this is a step in the right direction…a little less of me is totally back with him; if that makes any sense. After last week and the lies, I just feet different…it is so weird. I hope whatever it is that it continues because it is nice to not feel badly for his guilt, etc. I hope things are well with all of you. Lots of hugs!!!

  3. Hey. Felk. Just wanted to wish you well tomorrow and know all of us are here for you. We all understand and have been there dreading to see them and not knowing what to expect. No matter what happens or doesn’t happen, you are a strong woman and have given us support and encouragement and we are here to do the same for you. Sending hugs and prayers.

  4. Hi ladies,
    It’s been the usual rollercoaster week for me. I told him clearly last week that I would attempt friendship with him and nothing else, that we have no romantic option at all for right now. I’m too emotionally drained for it after enduring his discussions of trying to have sex with his wife. He told me that he tried but is unable to perform with her and maintain an erection because as long as I’m in his arms, all he wants is me. I told him that if we continue in this emotional rollercoaster we are ruining any chances of what could possibly be in the future because although my heart still loves him, I’m beginning to resent him in my head for these ups and downs. He agreed that we should work on our marriages but attempt friendship. Well this turned into him asking me if I’m having sex with my husband, his pleading to just hug me, him sexting me all of the time, having non stop conversations about being together, him begging to just feel my body against his, seeing each other daily and talking all day, etc. He went to dinner with his wife last night and texted immediately when he came home. Told me he had a nice evening with her but had many awkward moments as he thought of me too many times to count. Asked me about intimacy with my husband and I told him the truth that it happened but was very difficult because I thought of him the whole time. I told him I was quite upset about this because I felt awful being with my husband but thinking of my mm who I’m in love with. He said he’s not attracted to his wife whatsoever and only wants me and is in love with me. Then he said our marriage have no chance of working if we continue to see each other at all. As long as he sees me, he wants me. I said ok if that’s what you want. I just can’t understand why if he loves me and only wants me, and I love him, why can’t we move on from this mess and really be together. I truly believe absence only makes the heart grow fonder, but he says he needs to find out if he can forget me if he doesn’t see me. I don’t get this. His children are grown. Why can’t we do this for real. Divorce happens. Life goes on and people end up better off. But the lord wants him to work on his marriage he claims. He’s at his church right now counseling on the sacrament of marriage?!?! He wants to talk later. I’m sure he will just repeat that we need to work on our marriages because that’s what’s right in gods eyes. I’m so drained. Wow it still hurts so much. I want to forget him so badly but I love him so much. He is my confidant and the person I’m closest to. Will absence make the heart grow fonder or is it out of sight out of mind?

    1. Hi J, It does sound like the usual roller coaster. He can’t figure out what he wants. Or he wants things he can’t have (both relationships guilt-free). You know we’ve all been here. Our MM have given us mixed messages and we’ve given them mixed messages. He’s asking you about your sex with your husband and telling you that he needs to find out if he will forget you if he doesn’t see you. I think he legitimately wants to work on his marriage (or believes he should), and he wants to be with you. The problem is the roller coaster that leads to, especially if he is back and forth with guilt. You’re right that your MM could choose to leave his wife and he’s not choosing that. Or choose the affair without the constant second-guessing and guilt. But that’s easier said than done. Whether “out of sight, out of mind” works depends on how committed you are to that. If you’re really committed to NC, then “out of sight, out of mind” will eventually work. It’s interesting because it seems like both of you are trying (and not) to end it. But, that’s no good. It’s the roller coaster. I really wish you luck, but you’re still in a tough spot. You do have to pick one, though. The in-between will continue to drain and hurt you. And you certainly shouldn’t listen to him talk about attempting sex with his wife.

    2. Hey, J. Wow…you’re an amazingly strong woman because that’s one hell of an emotional roller-coaster. I do understand how easily you can be sucked back into it and get to the point you’re emotionally drained. My heart goes out to you! I know what’s like to have MM use religion and it is daggers to the heart because we already know what we are doing is wrong. What he’s doing to you is wrong and you don’t deserve it. If God was telling him to work on his marriage than he would not be talking to you much less sexting and wanting to know your sexual relationship with your husband. I cannot imagine having to hear about his sexual dysfunction with his wife that’s just crazy. He sounds like a narassist. I’m sorry and don’t mean to hurt your feelings but what he’s doing to his emotional and verbal abuse. I realize all of us deal and tolerate things that others would not. My MM has issues of his own and has done things too that even I question what I am doing. Since he doesn’t have kids, could he be afraid if his wife taking his money and/property? Have you asked him what keeps him in the marriage? Lately, I have questioned whether their marriages are really as bad as they claim. For me, I don’t think MM wife has clue and he lives two separate lives. As long as, he allows her to spend money and do as she pleases, I don’t think she questions his whereabouts. Plus she has kids at home to take care. Anyway, I just think you deserve better and really need a break from him to clear your head. It’s hard to think when his messing with your head and emotions. Can you block him? I’m sorry but cannot remember, Do you work with him? I’m thinking he wants space so give it to him. Then you can have time to figure things out. Its easier said than done but a think even a few days of NC may give some peace and much needed rest from it so you can rhink. Sending hugs and prayers!

  5. Hey. Ladies. I have a scenario to run past you to get your thoughts. I attended a meeting a few weeks ago and another person reported that he had been working with MM on project since September but new the department had been busy, etc. After the meeting someone told MM that this person threw him under the bus. I spoke up and said that i didn’t need that he had been. Later that evening, I explained what was said and told him that it was being exaggerated and not true. No reply so next day asked if he had gotten my text. He said yes and he’d contacted someone else who was there and was told the about the same that I said so he couldn’t understand why someone would exaggerate. So he knows this was untrue. Okay this past week, he asked one of his employees to complete the project that had been mentioned in the meeting. He lied and said he had been thrown under the bus at a meeting so this project should be priority to get done. He asked my friend who had affair with him before me…yes he’s been unfaithful at least twice in the last five years. Okay. I honestly don’t know what to think because he lied and beared false witness on someone who is already disliked by people. Why would he do this? Keep in my mind he still has study bible on his desk and has made me feel so horrible about trying to get right with God. I am just curious on your thoughts. This really bothered me because I am a very upfront person. If you don’t want my opinion than don’t ask is my approach. Is it normal to be like this and say you have a good relationship with God. Or is this just amother excuse that he uses. I know often he says one thing and tells something else to someone else. For example, he went on vacation and never once mentioned he went deep sea fishing only that he and his family went on a dolphin excursion. He told another person he went deep sea fishing. I’m hooked on fishing and go all of the time in summer. Love to kayak and fish, but he never told me. I don’t know why he wouldn’t tell because we talk about fishing all of the time. I know it wasnt because it was a family excursion his wife is not or his kids the fishing type. I’m almost certain it was a lie. I have thought about things today and just trying to weigh the pros and cons and wrap my head around things. I am really soul searching. Look forward to hearing your thoughts.

    1. Hi Lois, I really get where you are at with wondering about the lies. I have been there done that too. The best advice I can give you is to go back and re-read some of your writings. You mentioned the lie about the worker earlier and you already said you were bothered by it. Now you might be doubting yourself because you care about the MM, but you also have to hang on to your truth or you will lose a piece of yourself in the process. And YOU need YOU. Throwing someone under a bus is a red flag. Maybe it could be excused? on some occasions but which ones? People in the ginormous city where I live are cut throat and competitive at work on any given day, and yes occasionally people throw others under the bus usually to advance themselves, but it is a cold and calculating act, no? You need to ask yourself this question. Where would YOU draw the line? It may be that you and the MM have different values and you are okay with that, but try to not trick yourself into ignoring your own hunches and then values (i do this all the time with the ex MM) because those tricks on your won self will cost YOU, not him. Can you bring the whole matter up with him and talk to him about it? Of course, if he is lying and if in addition, if he is a “silent” type, (like mine was) chances are he won’t enjoy a “talk” like that. But don’t you have a right and a need to know?

      1. Hey, Lara. Thanks for your response. You are right, I need to go with my gut instinct and be very cautious. I don’t want to admit that he is dishonest. However, I will no longer allow him to make me feel guilty about coming between him and his religious beliefs because what he did was wrong. It made me realize he uses it as an excuse and he knows it bothers me. No matter what his excuse could be…it doesn’t make it right. Ironically, my husband was watching adrain Rogers on television who is a preacher and his sermon was on bearing false witness. It helped put things in perspective and know without a doubt he was wrong. I do plan on asking him about it because I want him to know that I know…if that makes any sense. Thanks again for your support.

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