5 Ways to Stop Obsessing About Him and Start Moving On


Obsessive love is powerful – and destructive – because your heart is captivated. When you can’t stop thinking about him, your life is ruled by an impossible relationship. That’s the bad news. But wait – there’s good news! You CAN stop the destructive train wreck of obsessive love, and you can get emotionally and spiritually healthy again.

What’s your story? Maybe you can’t be with him because he’s a married man, or maybe he’s emotionally unavailable. Maybe you’re unequally yoked; you’re a Christian and he’s not a believer. Maybe you’re getting divorced after 25 years, and you can’t stop thinking about him because he betrayed you. Or maybe you’re hopelessly in love with a coworker who doesn’t know you’re alive. But really, it doesn’t matter what your exact circumstances are! Obsessive love doesn’t care about the facts…it only wants to be together.

I was inspired to write this article by a group of kind, nonjudgmental, loving women who have been supporting each other in the comments section of my article on breaking up with a married man and healing your heart. In fact, they were so supportive that I had to turn off comments on that article! We were approaching 1,300 comments, and it was too much for one blog post.





So, I decided to write an article to help women who are struggling with obsessive love, and who can’t stop thinking about a man.

Here’s a recent comment from the married man article:

“Only recently have I truly accepted the fact that the man I love isn’t leaving his wife,” says Anon. “I am only getting the crumbs of his love and emotion. I’m not even good enough to call or message even though He says it isn’t fair to me but I can’t imagine me not being in his life. What am I supposed to do? I can’t stop thinking about him and I know I have to let him go, but I can’t. He was my soulmate and I believe that. I can’t even be mad because I started this affair, I knew what I was doing. But love is love. Now, how do I get out of love without feeling the weight and guilt of losing my soulmate? I still want him to call. I still want him to leave her, but I know he won’t.”

How to Stop Thinking About Him

These tips are for all women struggling with obsessive love. If you feel like you can’t stop thinking about a man you’re in love with, you will find a least a seed of hope and healing here.

1. Stop saying “I can’t stop thinking about him”

The more you tell yourself that you’ll never get over this relationship, the harder it’ll be to heal and move on. You believe what you tell yourself, and your feelings follow your thoughts. So, instead of saying you can’t stop thinking about him, focus your mind on positive ways to move forward.

In your private journal or the comments section below, write a replacement for the “can’t stop thinking about him” thought. For example, I’d focus on thoughts of healing, hope, joy, and letting go. I’ve been hurt really badly in past relationships — but I healed and moved on! Those past hurts and breakups helped me see that I can let go of a past relationship and be free and happy again.

2. Get to know your shadows and weaknesses

“Your shadow refers to all the things you hide, push away, or run from,” writes Hibbert and Those in Who Am I Without You?: Fifty-Two Ways to Rebuild Self-Esteem After a Breakup. “Your shadow is the things you deny and wish you didn’t see in yourself. The more we run from or deny the shadow, however, the bigger and scarier it becomes. It’s only in exposing shadows to the light that they disappear. As we face our weakness, our darkness, we take the shadow’s power away.”

Who Am I Without You? has a great tool for not only seeing and healing your shadow, but for rebuilding your life after a relationship ends.

If you’re focused on this obsessive love and you can’t stop thinking about him, then you’re not looking at someone more important: you. Well, actually, Jesus is THE most important person you could ever look at because only He has the power to heal you. For now, though, you need to take your eyes of this man (especially if he’s a married man who is cheating on his wife, who he vowed to love and cherish). Stop giving into to the selfish weak parts of your heart, and start learning why you’re so obsessed with this relationship.



Fix Your Marriage


3. Look at yourself through your mom’s or daughter’s eyes

Imagine sitting down with your mom or daughter, and telling her all about this relationship.

obsessive love can't stop thinking about him

5 Things You Must Do to Stop Thinking About Him

What would it be like to tell her you can’t stop thinking about him? How would it feel to explain the depths of your obsessive love, the length of the dark shadows in your heart? What would she say about this relationship, and how would see see you?

If you can’t tell your mom or daughter about this man – or your feelings for him – then this relationship has the power to destroy your life. But it’s not just the relationship that has power — it’s your shadow side and weakness that is giving in! You are allowing feelings of obsessive love to control your life. You are giving in to the idea that you can’t stop thinking about him. You are being weak.

But, you don’t have to be weak anymore.

4. Find light, life, power, strength, healing, and freedom

Are you humbled and maybe even crushed because you’ve seen your dark side? Good. Perfect! This means you’re ready to be filled with the light, life, power, strength, healing, peace, and joy of freedom. You must hit rock bottom of obsessive love before you can start to heal and rise.

You can’t do this alone. You won’t find the power, strength, and healing you need in yourself — for you know how weak you are. You spirit is willing, you want to stop thinking about him, but you can’t because you aren’t God. You are simply a woman in love.

And, you won’t find strength you need to overcome the power of obsessive love in the comments section of online articles – even if they’re all about how to stop thinking about someone. Why? Because you’re simply dwelling in the pit of despair. The more you write and talk about what you can’t have and can’t overcome, the stronger those feelings of helplessness get.

5. Renew your mind

Stop allowing your emotions to rule your life! You are a grown woman, not a two year old child. You are smart. You are worthy of healthy love and a committed relationship that is filled with respect and honor. You are valuable because God created you in His image, to glorify Him. You are beautiful because God has a mission and purpose for your life.

obsessive love can't stop thinking about himIn Living Beyond Your Feelings: Controlling Emotions So They Don’t Control You, Joyce Meyer teaches how to live beyond the emotions that can control us. She discusses obsessive love, uncontrollable anger, jealousy, fear, insecurity, loss, and grief.

It’s time for you to start focusing on what you want to CREATE in your life, not what you wish you had. Dwell in the land of possibility, hope, and freedom – not the wasteland of obsessive love. Stop saying you can’t stop thinking about him. Start cleaning up the mess and moving on with your life.

What say you? I know it’s hard to overcome those powerful feelings of obsessive love. I totally get it; I’ve been there. But, I also know that there comes a time for us to get out of the shadows and start living in the light.

It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

Your comments are welcome below! I’d love to hear from you. I don’t give advice, but you may find that sharing your story will help you heal and move on. Sometimes just getting it all out can be the most healing thing we can do…as long as we don’t dwell in the pit of despair.

Take a deep breath. Look up. Feel the light on your face. Receive the love of the spirit. You are alive and well, and you are here for a reason.



Your thoughts are welcome below! I don't give advice, but you can get free relationship help from marriage coach Mort Fertel.


xo


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358 thoughts on “5 Ways to Stop Obsessing About Him and Start Moving On

  • Felk

    I feel at such a loss and am looking for any words of wisdom from any other ladies on here. My MM and I were together for almost 5 years. I am married, too. My MM and I work together. He ended it about a month ago, after making it clear that it was just too hard to keep separating our relationship from his marriage (and kids). Neither one of us ever promised to leave our spouses. We talked vaguely of hope that, one day, we might be together, just us, but I don’t think either one of us ever expected that. So, it’s not that I feel he broke any promises. I mostly understand that it simply got too hard for him to maintain the lies and guilt. And he also said that it was simply feeling too awful, every day, being apart from me and not being able to be together (and it was affecting him at home and hurting his marriage). How can I blame him for not wanting to ruin his marriage? I was trying not to ruin mine, too. When our affair started, we were both happy in our marriages. But, of course, over time, we grew closer and closer where we started to pull away from our spouses. He started wanting more and more with us. I wanted that, too. And this is what became unbearable for him. He said he started feeling a constant tension at home. He started feeling like he didn’t want to leave me to go do things with his kids. And then he started feeling terrible for feeling that. I don’t blame him for not wanting to endure that, and I can only respect him for choosing his family. I would have loved for him to be able to keep “dating” me, but I believe him when he said he was worn out. That it just wasn’t working for him anymore. Problem is… it was still working for me. When he ended it a month ago, he was clear that he was still in love with me. He was also clear that he still thought I was better for him than his wife, but he simply did not want the difficulty of maintaining an affair anymore. So, how do I get over him? I haven’t ripped the bandaid off. He’s doing much better than I with reducing contact (although I’ve reduced contact, too). In the month since the break-up, we’ve spent some time alone together talking about it all and then some time alone together hanging out trying to enjoy our friendship. During those times, I think it will all be okay, but then the next day, when I realize, once again, we are over and I don’t know when I’ll get alone time with him again, it is misery. I spend almost all day every day thinking about him, wondering how we can get back to the friendship we had (before the affair started), and wondering if he misses me as much as I miss him. I ache nearly all day. I want to try to refocus on my marriage (and my husband is great), but I feel overwhelmed with sadness and like I have no space for anything else right now. I want to try to reduce contact even more (although I can’t make it zero since we work together), but I miss him so much and I find it hard to not find ways to talk to him here and there at work, just to make myself feel better for just a moment. I know I need to get over him. I know I need to stop hoping he will beg me to come back to him. I just don’t know how to do it. Help.

  • Kris

    Dear Laurie,

    I’m so grateful that i found your website with all those beautiful tipps, thank you so much for those beautiful words it really helped me to see things more positive. God bless you.

    Maybe it’s not important but i would like to write here about my story that hurts me in the last months… i never wrote comments but here i will. So the last two years i was in my free time with a guy and it was the frist time i felt like someone is like me… even if our life’s are so different. But i felt a deep connection, it’s the first time i had a friend ( he was like a friend plus) we had the same religion and first time i find for myself out how much It means and was connecting us.

    So i spend two years with this guy and our relationship was like that between a girl and boyfriend but he told me once that we can’t be together because he’s that one i need in my life.. ( I’m a really young mother of a son) but we didn’t stop going on that way… i was in hope and thought this was something so great and i felt so much love for him like i never did for a man. He was like my best friend and lover and i thought he knows that it’s something so good we had.

    And then was a time he was really busy because of work and we couldn’t see us. So when he was free he went to visit his mum or brother (they live in another city) and i was like always why you don’t have time for me… and then he said we can’t go on like this he likes me so much and I’m very important for him, but he won’t be forever in my city and we should stay normal friends. That was really hard for me but the hardest was when he was in nyc for a short time (2weeks because of work) and posted some new pics on the internet with a new girl. I think he’s in love with her now i could see it in the pic…( he wanted always to move to nyc). I’m asking myself how things can change so far… once i was that one he was crazy for, he was Often talking about future and us and then it was so easy for him to find someone new to fell in love with… since I’ve seen this pic i didn’t contact him anymore it’s like he’s gone (ok after 2 months i was writing him but just to know how he is). He wanted to be my friend but not in that way he was and i couldn’t play that one for him because i could never see him just as a friend. I miss him and those times but i hope god has planned something better for me.

    In love K.

    • Michelle

      Hi,
      I’m new to this. I feel like I’m dying and really need someone to talk to who understands what I’m going through. I Became involved with a MM that I work with a couple months ago. I know I should have just walked away when he told me he was married, which is what I tried to do but he just kept pursuing me. I was vulnerable and very lonely and I’m sure he could sense that so it was easy for him to get what he wanted from me. We started out as ‘friends’ but it quickly became much more and now I’m extremely hurt and alone again. Not knowing what to do. I still have to work with this man. We both just started with the company. This is so messed up.

      • Thissitesavedmylife

        Hi Michelle
        I too work with my mm. I’m sorry, I actually report to him so you can imagine how that complicates matters. You have only been involved for a couple months so please please please spare yourself and walk away now. I too accepted the flirting bc I was lonely, hadn’t felt such strong chemistry in awhile and felt vulnerable due to emptiness inside. I suspect a lot of us ladies are feeling empty hence we enter into relationships that mirror what we feel on the inside. Damn that self-fulfilling prophecy. Your relationship is new and you haven’t become too emotionally attached (just an assumption based on length of time together). You’ll only feel lonelier and more hurt than you felt before he came into your life romantically. I would tell him you met someone and you want to give this new relationship 100% of your attention. Lie and spare yourself any further pain. I tried to get out numerous times but never used an airtight reason. If you try to rationalize and use your moral compass as an out they’ll just manipulate you into coming back. Mine used every trick in the book and it worked sadly. Time is precious and now you’ve gotten a taste of the burn. It’ll only get worse. Don’t be fooled by the honeymoon phase. Go out and date and work on yourself. Although I wish I had never started this tryst I will say I’ve made some really positive changes in my life. Eliminating the affair is the last big positive change on my goal list in the near future. Of course self-improvement is a path and not a destination. I’ve reached the year mark with my mm and have to draw a line in the sand. I wish you all the best! Please read as many stories on this site as you can. We all tell the same story with slight nuances. Sadly, what is helping me to stay strong is the thought of him not having his emotional support system (i.e. me) around anymore.

  • Aria

    Hi

    One year a go I cut my relationship with my married man and I was so Brocken so sad and depressed. I was shaterd and I spend my days crying, wishing for death to free me from all the pain and sorrow I was going through. I wrote here and talk to others and I was wondering why there isn’t any of us who wrote about her success after those days to be a hope for others cause I couldn’t believe good days will come so I said to my self I will be that one. And now I’m here promising you it will pass. Yes. Slowly and full of pain but you will be fine again you will find love. Don’t give up on your desicion.

    • ImFinallyDone

      Thank you for this aria…trust me I believe it will get better!! I think I finally reached the point where I don’t wanna speak to him ever again..I wanted to be his friend…but it’s not working the way I thought it would…

    • Screwloose

      Aria you are right I have not seen really much saying all is better. It has been only a month for me after many months of going a week, then two . Idk finally something clicked in me . I honestly don’t want anything to do with him. I can listen to our song without crying which was impossible before. I think what helped me was a male friend told me I was a game he is done also he don’t care and nothing I said or did would change that. I read that over and over day after day and started looking back at our relationship and thought maybe that is what it was . A game to him I know he lied about his marriage . So yes it does get better and believe me when I say I cried everyday day for months . There were days I thought I was never gonna get through this . And I did . I don’t want to be his friend . I don’t want to talk to him . I don’t wish bad on him. I just don’t want anything to do with him. I deserve better. It feels like that relationship never was.so stay strong you will get through but it isn’t easy.

  • Needhelp

    So it’s now 55 days of nc and some other thoughts have been on my mind today…
    After 4 1/2 years i have never seen my mm on my birthday. He’s sent me flowers but not wrote a card obviously… I’ve never seen him on his birthday either. Nor have I seen him at Christmas or any other special occassion.

    I’ve never been away anywhere with him. I’ve spent two nights with him in 4 1/2 years.

    I’ve not met any of his family or friends. He has not met mine.

    He’s been to my house but not for more than 3 hours or so at a time. I’ve never been to his house obviously.

    Do we even know each other?

    We have no relationship. It’s all fantasy, BS, call it what you want… Speaking on the phone and texting is NOT a relationship.

    If I were in a situation where I was married and seeing a single guy, would I expect him to hang around for 4 1/2 years whilst I stayed with my husband.. ? Making promises about leaving that never amounted to anything? Never seeing him on his birthday? Would I expect him to be ok with me going on vacation with my husband every year while he stayed at home on his own? Would I have any respect for that man??? I don’t think I would…

    How would I feel if he stood up to me and told me he had had enough of my false promises and that he deserved to be treated better and not to contact him again whilst ever I was still in a relationship with someone else? I’d probably respect him more. I’d probably think I’d just let a good man slip through my fingers….

    • Thissitesavedmylife

      Excellent points! I’m writing this down in my journal and will return to it when I feel weak. How can we expect to garner respect when we’re not respecting ourselves by staying true to what we need and deserve? This is awesome and I truly appreciate every beautiful, remarkable women that has posted on this site. You have saved more people than you realize.

  • Needhelp

    After 53 days of nc on my side something else has occurred to me: how would I have felt if he had left his wife for me?
    Actually not great… As much as I wanted him, if I am truly honest with myself I think I would have had an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. That feeling that tells you you can’t really trust him. I know what he is capable of because he has cheated on his wife for over 4 years with me. Do I really think that was a one off which he would never repeat again? Probably not… As much as I’d like to think we had something special i know it would have always been there in the back of my mind. And these things have a habit of eating into you.
    These relationships are just poisonous whichever way they go. Better to get out now. I’m sick to death of his disfunctional relationships and no longer want the drama, highs and crashing lows of it all. I honestly think he has no comprehension of how badly he has hurt me and messed with my head. But that’s because his own head is too far up his own a*s. ..!

    • Screwloose

      Those exact feelings were cause of many argument so with me and my MM. Initially I trusted him completley believed everything he said . He loves me .Doesnt touch his wife until one day I was looking at comments on his face book and there was someone new. He had been traveling with work and it was a bartender from the restaurant he ate at a lot. He said all they did was talk . Idk about you all but I just don’t become Facebook friends with random people. That’s when all the mistrust started and all the arguing . That is was a year ago. I just never trusted him after that . He even unfriended me on FB because he said I was to jealous of innocent comments. Well when your the other woman you know mostly the comments aren’t innocent. I have had random contact with him over the last past 3 months . Mostly me crying and asking why he has become so mean and what happened to the guy he was with me. I finally blocked him 2 weeks ago. Best thing I did for my healing is tell my mom. She points out lots of things to me. Reading these helps to knowing I’m not alone. And I stopped looking at his pictures on line. Today was actually the first day in 3 months I haven’t cried. Hopefully I can continue to heal and learn from this . And all of you do too

      • ImFinallyDone

        I hope he gets caught….it’s unfair for them to move on…and we sit here in pain….I hate this strong hold they have on us….you should send those messages you saw on FB to his wife…

  • InWaiting

    Hi ladies,
    All your stories are so relevant to my own. I was wondering about one thing. I am not sure why sex is so good with a MM, is it because it’s a high-and-down relationship, so you get a better release in bed? And I am curious if any of you tried to have only a sexual relationship with your MM? For example meet sometimes just for the physical pleasure and nothing else. Would this work? (I am thinking about myself, not sure if I would like to go that direction. Any advices are welcome).

    • NeverAgain

      Unfortunately for me, I have to have an emotional connection with someone before I can have sex with him. This is why when we first started seeing each other it was fun. We knew each other, same friends, etc. so knowing him and his quirks was fun, he was one of those guys that can always make you laugh so hard you’re crying. For example, he was the kid in school that could get you in trouble. But it got carried away when after about 8-9 months we were on this outing and he ended up coming back to my place-I had a house and no one, so it was easy, especially for him. OMG! The sex!! I couldn’t get enough! I felt I was reborn. So, no not for me. I always hated that term “Friends with benefits”….also he gets the benefits and you are left feeling miserable after he goes home to wifey. How many times have you cried after he left? Now I’d rather have a toy and not the heartache.

      • InWaiting

        Thank you NeverAgain for your input. Yes, I am the same way, I can only have sex when I have feelings for a man. Specially great sex. And I was thinking that even I do have feelings for MM, maybe I can somehow treat it just for my own pleasure? I am not sure if it’s doable though… It’s just tough to be alone and it may take long time before I meet someone and develop feelings for him. Maybe I can train my brain to just have a great time with the MM and nothing else?

  • NeverAgain!

    Hi everyone,
    Well my MM and I were acquaintances for quite a while when he started working with me. At 1st I thought he was little goofy but then he came across as actually very charming (and really cute!) and I knew he was married but I convinced myself he was probaby unhappy. I thought we could just be friends but I didn’t realize it would turn into something like what I have read here on the forum, but it did like everybody else’s. I do have to say that I was part of the blame too. I’ve been cheated on 2 times in my life so I kept telling myself that I didn’t know his wife and I never wanted to know anything about her so I couldn’t hurt her. But anyway as the years went on the tears flowed freely, no public displays of affection, no holidays with him, no vacations, no time with him with my family, 1000’s of breakups and NC, asking him why he wouldn’t end it. The tears and heartache. Friends and family thinking you’re crazy for giving your life up for a married man, it’s really very unhealthy.
    The unfortunate thing is that it went on for 10 years and that’s when I drew the line and finally told him that it was over. I had wasted 10 years of my life waiting for somebody to tell me what to do with mine. However I was pretty busy with my business to even notice…. I broke up with him well over a year ago and lucky for me I got sick at the time with breast cancer too. God’s cruelest punishment. So that was my way out of the relationship and my way of pushing him away. It took every ounce of my strength to not reach out to him. I told him that I did not want him to be subjected to what I was going through. He took that so well that I was shocked that he could walk away so easily.
    So now we’ve only been in touch through text and emails because of work (why is it always work related?!) but have seen each other 2 times once for lunch and the last time (2 months ago) was when we fell back into bed together again. I think I needed that because it showed me it truly was over.
    So he texts me today and says he misses me (uh huh…). I’m not feeling much for him anymore except sadness, so I look for some inspiration on the Internet to tell him that it’s truly over. And I find this wonderful forum! So I told him “I do miss you too or miss what we had but I think it’s done. Taken a long time but we knew all along what it was…” I have a wealth of information on how to get through it and yes it does take a lot of alcohol, tears and friends who will listen!
    Anyway, thanks for letting me purge. I’ve been on here for over 4 hours reading posts. Good luck to you all!

    • Feeling Lost

      It’s been 5 months since I’ve heard from him and I still feel pain every day! His wife was dx with breast cancer and he said he had to end it because the guilt was too much and her cancer brought things into perspective for him. We are no longer friends on any social media. Reading your post helped me today. Thank you. We were together for nine years and he said two months before she found out she had cancer that we would never be apart. I, too, am married so very few people know and I have minimal support to help me through this.

      I won’t sugar coat it at all…the last 5 months have been incredibly difficult and painful. Every single day, I feel pain! But this forum has helped a lot. Thanks again for sharing your experience.

      • J

        Feeling lost,
        I can feel your pain. My mm’s wife was also diagnosed with breast cancer. He said he still couldn’t let me go because he loves me too much. Told me that when she’s recovered he’s leaving her. But then the guilt got to him and he said he’s not sure he can ever leave her now, even though he acknowledges that he’s in love with me. We still haven’t broken things off. I try to distance myself but then I miss him so much it kills me. His moods constantly fluctuate, he needs me he says. He says he can’t let me go. But our time has become so limited. It’s horrible for me. I really love him but think I’ve reached my limit. Today he said that now that her radiation is finishing he needs to help her get healthy. Even more time away from me. I just don’t think I can handle anymore. It’s a terrible terrible awful situation. I’m tortured with him but I’m tortured without him too. No win. I wish I knew then what I know now. I need help to get through this but I can’t talk to anyone.

  • J

    I’ve been reading everyone’s comments and they definitely help me everyday. I’m at that point where I’m asking myself what is really in this for me? It’s not enjoyable anymore, it’s actually horrible. Completely horrible. The time we used to spend together has almost vanished all but the few crumbs he throws at me when he instinctively can tell how tired I am of it all. The man he used to be who would do anything for me and take risks for me is gone too. We can’t do anything. And I’m supposed to sit around waiting for him to come home from the beach or kayaking or his anniversary dinner??? All for what? I’m not getting anything. He’s the only one gaining because he has me when he wants and he’s a loving husband too. I’m on the losing end no matter what, and I’m young and could get someone else if I wanted. I don’t even know if I love him anymore. The constant hurt had made me turn cold to him.

    • NeverAgain!

      Hi J, yes it does get mundane after awhile. What do they say about insanity? The definition is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. That’s us to a T! I am on the other side of that relationship but I’m still alone and single So I can’t say I’m happy-happier than before tho. But at least I’m not waiting for him to give me a call or text and a crumb. Good luck and hang in there and do everything you can to run, RUN as fast as you can to get away!!

    • Needhelp

      Hi J,
      No you are definitely not supposed to sit around waiting for him whilst he gets on with his life. This is the thing with MM, they want it both ways and they seem to have a talent for making us feel bad or guilty if we dont let them get it!
      It’s been 53 days of nc for me now and what I have realised in that time is my MM has been doing exactly that – having it both ways for the 4+ years we have been seeing each other. Saying he wants to be with me and then giving me some ‘poor me’ story about why it is sooo hard for him and he is in SUCH a difficult position blah blah blah. It’s all BS at the end of the day. He will still be with his wife now even though he has texted and called me a few times (to which I’ve managed to not reply). He’s just trying to lure me back in. Well I’m not going there again. It’s true that if you keep doing the same thing you will always get the same outcome. Being understanding of his so-called situation has got me no where. As much as I sometimes feel lonely I know I am better off on my own. At least I am giving myself the possibility of meeting a decent man in the future instead of wasting my time having the life sucked out of me by a man who truly does not deserve me. I’ve realised I am too good for him. It’s quite funny really when I think of all the time I’ve wasted desperately wanting him to pick me and being so incredibly jealous of his wife because she has got what I want. Why??? The man is nothing but a convincing liar and a cheat. I deserve so much better than that. So do you. So do all of us.
      It’s hard sometimes but I need to keep going to get through this. I look forward to the day I can look back on this whole sorry mess and think ‘wtf was I thinking?!!!!’ xxx

  • Hurt

    So i comment a long time ago but things got “better” but now need to end it for good. The short story, we were friends in highschool, then reconnected later. We were just friends for 2 years he tried to kiss me,I turned away but then it started. He had been married for 5 years. It was casual still friends but some benefits. His wife got pregnant after trying for a few years though the 8th IUI he had always said i hope it does not work and with all the IUI thought it never would. Well it worked and that was the first time I went NC, I was feeling better after 2 weeks but of course he contacted me :(. We started again slowly more friends this time with a bit of on the side stuff but not like before and I was good with that. Well the Baby came and I know I need to end this. He says he will make time for me but i know it needs to end. H never expressed love openly about his Wife but now I see it in his face on the pictures of the baby. I need to go no contact but also feel I dont want to hurt his feelings. So I still dont have his number in my phone from last NC but he has texted me so its there need strength to delete it. I am sad I have to do this he is a friend I have a shoulder to cry on and has helped me through a lot. I wish that my first reaction to that kiss so long ago was what I did and then my heart would npt be breaking. Please help me with the strength to get away!!!

    • Lara

      Hurt, RUN don’t walk away from this. It is toxic for you. Read the stories here. No matter what your feelings are, “love” is never enough when there is a wife involved and now a baby! You will only fall down lower and lower in this situation. It is life-sucking and utterly depressing to be a mistress. Take care of YOU number one! Sendng hugs, L.

      • NeverAgain!

        I agree with Lara! Leave and don’t look back! As hard as it is it does get better! My MM had grown children and grandchildren and still would not leave his. You are better than this, remember that!

        • Hurt

          Thank you both. I just need to keep telling my self get away. This last week has been easier then most. He has contacted me a few times but i just don’t reply and he is so pre occupied with his other life that he has not contacted me as much as normal and I have no desire to contact him I am strong!! and I can do this for me!!!

      • Feeling Lost

        Lara,
        You said it better than anyone else can….it is life-sucking and utterly depressing to be a mistress. The highs are always great but only last a short period of time. Then you’re left alone and full of pain. Five months since we’ve spoken. Although I still feel pain every day, I am getting stronger. Anyone thinking of getting mixed up in an affair needs to RUN before they lose themselves to a painfully hopeless situation!!!

  • Lara

    Today my ex MM finally spoke to me. He was walking up the street and I was gardening and he said “hello”. Since he is a narcissist I call this a “hoover”. He probably planned this for awhile. He was “testing the waters as per usual. And this is how I go back to him after a wfew months or even a few years!! after being free of him for a long time. This was the same EXACT way we met twenty years ago. He was trying to get me to remeber this. It was a trap and I knew it this time. Me gardening and him passing by and stopping to say “hello” (In fact he was searching for an empath….a woman with kindess and sympathy and endless patience who would listen to his tales of woe with his marriage and his wife and his poor pathetic life and feel sorry for him and even sleep with him repeatedly too). Ha! No more freebies Mister. When I looked at him I did not make eye contact. I forced myself to stare at his growing belly. He had been working out and looking kind of good but suddenly he is gaining weight and looks mopey (see my post below) and overweight in the belly I did everything in my power to NOT feel sorry for him. So I stared at that belly. “Do I want to hug that belly?” I was thinking. Nah. Pass. The one I used to ignore and pretend he did not have? NOPE. SO instead, I went on and on about how successful my garden is and I never asked him how he was doing and so he left! It is really easy to get rid of him. I just need to talk about myself and appear happy and carefree and I did that. (I have now been trained by my therapist to do this) ANd ot talk about anything personal. He got the message. Easy as pie. No more “Enticing Empath” for him. This garden started in Easter when I started yet another “No Contact” with him after seeing him walk down by street hand in hand romantically with his wife. I was beside myself when I saw that. The pain was searing. But, every time I implement “No Contact” and I leave this man I swear I thrive! Thrive! All things go better in my life after the initial terrible pain. (It lasts 2-3 months at least. They say 90 days is the turning point. And getting outside help is critical (!) and maybe some medication too.) This summer I have creted an all new garden, tons of flowers and vegetables for one. I am very proud of myself. Next I have struck an incredibly close and wonderful relationship with a woman in my field (art). Next I have been making art and exhibiting it! I attended my own reception last night! SO I am trying to say we are all like flowers and/or trees in fact. It hurts to be pruned yes, but NEW GROWTH will occur I swear! And no more hugging that belly for me. LOL Let his wife do that! and everything else for that matter.
    Loving him is and was never EVER enough to make this situation work.

    • NeverAgain

      Lara,
      You are a riot! I love reading about your fiascos with this guy, lol! Last time I saw MM I was like, whoa, that belly! I was shocked and he had jowls too. He came swaggering in like no time had passed and I unfortunately had to have sex-but that was good! I mean the sex was not, but it was good for me to finally feel NOTHING!! Yeah and when he reached out with that text yesterday that he missed me, it took about 4 hours to respond UNFAVORABLY. Well, I was reading this forum too though…

      • Lara

        Never again, I’m glad you enjoyed my humor! I DO need to laugh at this dumb situation sometimes and realize I DO deserve SO MUCH BETTER than I ever had with the MM. Isn’t it great when the physical /chemical attraction finally starts to fade and you can finally see the situation with your more of your logical mind? My former MM does not look too appealing to me with his growing belly, his depression over getting laid off, and worst of all, by far, STILL holding his beloved (ahem) wife’s hand on occasion. That one time I saw that did me in I swear! Let them console each other as far…. as I am concerned they deserve each other, both of them are liars!

  • Jazmyne

    I just broke up with my MM a week ago, No Contact day #5. And it’s hurting me really bad, making me so depressed. The affair started 22 mos ago. I’ve known my MM since we were young. He used to be my best friend, but i know deep within that he loved me at that time. I had a very short term relationship with him but dumped him afterwards because I know I can’t love him back, I realized at that time I still love my first boyfriend, who also a friend of ours . Years had passed, we lost connection. I got married (not to my first boyfriend though), had children. He got married and had children as well. Year 2015, I decided to separate with my husband, filed a divorce (until now it’s not done yet, hoping soon). It was a very ugly separation. The separation was due to my ex-husband’s infidelity, abused (physical and emotional abuse), drug addiction, consistent lies, gambling, name it!!! Prior to his addictions, My ex-husband used to be a good provider. He is not perfect, he has some flaws that I tried to brush it off . He is a womanizer, he had several affairs that I know which I just ignored, he will not admit it after all. I don’t want to have a broken family. I need to protect my children. I just hoped he will changed. As long as he will provide our need, we will be fine. Those were the things I put in my mind. I tried to cover up all his misdeeds to my family and friends, I made him in the eyes of everybody that he is a good husband, a good father and that I have a perfect family. But he did not change, he get even worst especiallly when he started using drugs with out my knowledge. I was so naive that I don’t even know that the person I am living with is already addicted to drugs. My ex-husband put me in so much trouble that at that time I don’t even know what to do. We used to have a very good life. He left me and my children without any financial support. Luckily, I have a very stable job and a strong family support. But eventhough, my life was so miserable, I tried to get up everyday because I have children to support…. 5 mos after my separation, living in misery and turmoil (my ex-husband continues to bother me), I get a message from my best friend/ex boyfriend asking how am I doing? And this is the start of my affair to a married man. He does not live close by, he worked overseas. Constant messaging and talking in the phone lifted my spirit, I felt like he filled up all the emptiness in my heart. He told me, that he’s still love, that his love and affection since we were young never went away. I believed him. We had several vacations together, I saw how much he cared for me. He treated me really well. He made me feel that I am worthy as a person, he brought back that self-esteem that my ex-husband robbed or stripped away from me. He was my shoulder to cry on, I had my friend back, and as my lover. And this time, I was put in a different situation… I’m used to be the victim, the wife but now I am a mistress…. is it easy to accept, NO….Of course, things wasn’t easy, because he has a family. From the beginning, it’s been clear to both of us that the relationship is temporary, actually I was the one who pointed this. And he’s been honest to me how he feels towards his family. He love his children, he love his family. He told me he probably loved me more than his wife but since she is the mother of his children, that’s why he have to take care of her and protect her feelings, which for me at that time it’s just fair. I just went throughb that… what the wife will be going through. so I understand him. I don’t want him to leave his family either like what my ex did. I don’t want his children to suffer like how my children suffered, I don’t want the wife to feel the betrayal like what I have experienced. I’m a good person, and I don’t want anybody to go through what I want through. But At that point, I can’t control my feelings anymore, all I know is I need him to get through day by day. Like I said earlier, he works overseas and he’s away from his family as well. So it was so easy for us to communicate whenever we wants to. Things got worst everytime he goes home for a vacation and he will be with them. It’s killing me. I started to get so jealous, so insecure. That he has a complete family, and actually people thinks that he is an ideal father, that they have an ideal family. That’s what they portray as well in social media. Nobody knows that he is cheating on his wife. Of course, the wife does not know the affair either, but probably a wife’s instint, she’s been always jealous on me. And I don’t blame her for that. Despite what I went through, people perceived me that I am a strong woman, career oriented, good mother and without boasting, as a lot of people will tell me, I am beatiful, gorgeous, sexy and smart woman… And probably everybody will be surprised if they find out what I did. That I am somebody’s mistress, that I am involved to a MM. I decided to end this toxic relationship because I know this is not what I need. He seems like he is my happiness but he also put me on so much stress , anxiety, sadness every time we hanged up in phone because the wife is calling, or the wife is on her way home, or he can’t call me because he is busy with his children, seeing them on vacation, postings of nice family pictures, etc etc etc. It’s very depressing feeling. I realized it is a lot harder to be a mistress than a wife being cheated. As a mistress, the pain is continous, you are aware that MM is cheating on you (I will still call it cheating, but probably with consent on my part, since I am very much aware that he is happily married). As a wife being cheated (my personal experienced) she will only feel the pain if she discovered the infidelity of the husband. It is really hard. You just don’t know how much I am hurting right now, regretting that I did end the relationship with MM but I need to get through this. I am tempted several times to call him, message him that I am changing my mind but I am trying my best not to. that’s the reason why I need to be in this blog and get my strenght from everybody’s experienced that things will get better. That this feeling of inadequacy and loneliness will go away after all. I want my life to get better, and to feel better about mysef again. I know my MM is not what I need to heal myself from my previous divorced and sufferings. He is not the source of my happiness because the happiness he’s giving me is just temporary. I know, he is my addiction, he gave me a certain feeling of euphoria, and then when he’s gone, I feel sadness that I feel wanting to have more time from him. This need to be changed. I need to take full control of myself. I’m hoping I can pull through the NC situation, I blocked him on my phone. I’ve been going to the church more, talking to a therapist, reading lots of blogs on how to get over a break up especially to a MM. Hoping that I can get through this and will feel better afterwards.

  • Lara

    Hi it is Lara checking in. I have not been here since aug 15 and i would say thats a good thing for me. Slowly but surely I have started to not give rat’s a ___ about my ex married man. I see him (visually) in his place of business which is near my house freqently but we do not speak. Somehow mercifully he looks MORE AND MORE like a loser to me. He is mopey dopey and seems to put very little effort into his work to tell you the truth. He hangs out all day at work with a loser buddy constantly. I am not impressed! i used to have this man on such a pedestal for so long and I believed all his BS and now I have slowly realized that I had duped my own self and my own mind. He is not all that,. I have stopped caring whether he thinks of me, misses me, regrets the way he treated me etc etc. I seriously don’t see that man doing much reflecting whatsoever about much of anything. He just sticks to his usual routine and his wife comes sometimes by to see him and then they all hang out looking so damn bored as hell all of themstr. I really think I am the winner in this scenario after all! Stay long ladies! These men are NOT the demi-Gods we think they are in when we are in love and lust with them and our brains trick us. They are just ordinary guys who are sub-par morally speaking and resort to cheating rather than trying to seriously work on their relationships. Who needs that? Think about it.

    • I thought I was different

      Thank you for this! This is just what I needed today. Just about to the point where I am also starting to see my MM in a completely different light. They always say a flower cannot grow if it is not watered and lately, the lies of not seeing each other or being “busy” isn’t watering the relationship! But maybe that is a blessing in disguise, right? It does give you the time to step back and really see what it really is. Why settle for sub-par? We deserve so much more than this. It’s been almost 3 years with my MM and I never thought I could walk away from this guy- but starting to see him for who he really is. I have realized I am helping keep his marriage together. I am someone he can come to get the boost of confidence, affection and a listening ear. What do I get in return? Let me think…. not a lot! Of course the high when we are together is wonderful but it doesn’t take long to come down after he spends the weekend with his wife! Again, thanks for this. Great to know you are doing well and knowing that others are going through this and CAN survive! I just need to pull the final straw! We all need to take control of the situation rather than let it control us!!!

  • ImFinallyDone

    I would like to update everyone…to make a long story short….my cousin died a few weeks ago…I was feeling vulnerable…so I broke the no contact rule….I told him I needed him and I wanted to see him…He basically told me it’s time to move ON….wow that shattered my heart into pieces…I guess now that his wife is pregnant he just dropped me like nothing ever happened…or maybe he’s fallen in love with her…he also said he’s not in a place where he could be there for anyone…sigh…I thought he and I could be friends….I guess we can’t…I’m hurting so much right now…I’ll say more later…tell you how found out she was pregnant..

    If anyone would like to talk one on one please me your email…

    • Angela

      Hey,

      Please stay strong. You don’t need such losers in your life. Please don lose focus. Your are a strong beautiful woman so please don’t rely on anyone “to be there for you” They never were. They only want attention and affection for themselves but want nothing to do with you. If you feel like talking ping me on dave.engel21@gmail.com

      I am on month 2 of NC. Blocked him from whatsapp and call list too. He emails me and messages me on Linked In but i havent responsed at all.Stay strong. You can do it.

    • Daina

      Your scenario seems a lot like mine with the wife being pregnant. I just found out he has a 1 yr old daughter. We were together almost 2. Everything makes so much sense now and my instincts were right all along. ..* sigh*

  • Christine

    I’m currently in the falling out period of an affair. Both of us would continue for as long as we could but it’s hard to live a lie. He’s married and won’t assess his personal life until his kids are out of high school in 5 years. I just recently got divorced after 14 years. We’ve known each other for 10+ years but an affair began 5 years ago, ended abruptly because my husband found out and then restarted months ago because he was reaching out one last time. We love each other and know it’s wrong but the chemistry and connection is like what you see in the movies. I know if we’re still communicating, I’m not doing myself any favors no can I truly be available for anyone else. I’m not at the point where I can tell him this is over and to not contact me until he is separated/divorced. I don’t want him out of my life.

  • Clair

    It had been two weeks without seeing or talking and out of the blue he calls me yesterday morning. What do I do??? Go to his house! It’s been 2 years on and off. The longest we have gone without seeing each other is 6 weeks and the longest without talking is 3 weeks and that was just the month of July so very recent. He wants me in his life and I do him but only to “be together”. He doesn’t want the responsibility of trying to make two women happy. Me and wife. He doesn’t want to talk everyday. I do understand the pressures of everyday life and then someone on the side just adds to it. Don’t know what to do!

    • Lynn

      Don’t do it. Like you, and all of us here, I was in the same situation. So many similarities in all our stories. I’ve read for months and months and not said much. You all have helped me get through one of the hardest periods of my life. Know that this is doable; that you can move on from it and find peace and happiness. It takes time and effort and work and strength. I did not think I could do it, but he did me a favor last Thanksgiving and 2 months later when I was just starting to feel better he came back and I let him. But not for long. I said no more. I’ve started dating and have met a nice man. I don’t know where it will go, but what I do know is that I can have feelings for someone else, I know I can be happy without a MM, I know I am ok alone. Stay strong ladies. There truly is hope.

      • Clair

        During those 6 weeks I was happy! Felt so much better about myself than I have the last two years. Was mad at him and myself for getting ourselves in this situation to begin with. Then he texts out of the blue wanting to see me and then nothing for two weeks and calls me yesterday. I’ll get ok and then I let him back in. I know I’m not alone but sometimes I do feel like such a horrible person.

      • Needhelp

        This is so true. I think it’s important to realise that when you start to feel better after a period of no contact you are in the ‘danger zone’. Because when he contacts you out of the blue you think to yourself ‘it’s ok’, ‘I’m feeling better, I can handle it’ , ‘I won’t get sucked in again like last time.’ Then before you know it you are back to square one.
        Ive made this mistake on more than one occassion, but what ive now learnt is that I can’t have any kind of interaction with this man ever again. It will only lead me back to the place I’m trying my best to get away from.
        35 days of no contact so far…my head feels clearer…i want to keep it that way!

        • Angie

          Hey thats so true!! Exactly the same happens with me too! Mm tries to reach me once in a month.. i know i can never be completely over this episode or be like before, but just wen i feel that m starting to feel better, he calls me out of the blue! He shows no remorse or attempts to win me back but starts bragging about his success, more money, trips, etc etc.. I CANNOT TAKE THAT NONSENSE!! Pisses me off more.. i too see him as a joke & think i can talk to him normaly since am ok now, but the result? He leaves me miserable agn! I feel that my life is all rocky while his is all roses! M back to square one like how i was before & during NC.. dont know y he has to tell me about all his shitty achievements & success.. hes like a vampire who sux the blood out of my body leaving me weak & drained out!! Last he contacted me was on aug 24th. I didnt giv him much attention but replied to his msgs. He tried to pursue me for 4 days, i didnt melt. He was shocked to see this side of mine & called me arrogant. 5th day he vanished and now its almost 12 days i havnt heard from him. I didnt contact him either. Hope he leaves me alone forever this time..

  • Nomad

    Hi, hope everyone is well, haven’t heard from the familiar and regular few, hope you guys are moving on well, healing and happier with more inner peace since it’s been a while I’ve met u guys here.

    As u might have read abt mine, gave him last chance on 22 Aug just to realize nothing has changed, he predictably retreated, threw me crumbs like “taking a nap, fyi”, not more than a handful of whatsapp (few words including hi) msg per day. By 25 Aug, I snapped because he didn’t treasure the last chance I gave. I also found out his intention to celebrate wife’s birthday which he didn’t do for years. I asked him y this year? I helped him answer was it because he had an affair and he’s guilty and wanted to make up and also he learnt through the affair what a woman wants – attention, affection, sweet gesture – he didn’t deny. I was emotionally depressed and told him to let go and stopped hurting me. He heard my sobbing over the phone and he said he couldn’t bear to hurt me and I was blaming him for all the downturn to unhappiness. He couldn’t meet my “high” expectations of being available always and sweet in fantasy land all the time.

    He went cold and missing while I still didn’t block him until 29 Aug. it hurts very much knowing that he didn’t contact even though he’s unblocked. On 29 Aug, we spoke and I said harsh words to him to push him away in a fit of anger.

    Today is nc day 4. I miss him and checked his last seen. He didn’t block me and he’s still alive. He’s having fun celebrating his kid’s birthday today. I started to imagine he and his wife and how carefree and relieved now that his fear and guilt has been taken away with me out of his life.

    Just then I accidentally hit the button to call his no and
    Ok! Sigh! Either his delighted or he broke down into cold sweat thinking I was ghosting him.

    Record of NC was 12 days. I’m no good at all. Still painful. Still want him to want me. But this time (as with each time I wanted to end it by going cold turkey suddenly and pissed him hell lot), he’s not coming back or wanting me back, his turn to scream at me ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, no more shit and toxin from me, I’m destructive to his peace of mind, suddenly I’m a turn off, he’s wondering what took him so long to see (blinded) that I’m ugly and obsessive. He couldn’t wait to run as far and quick as possible to be away from me. My recent behavior must have caused him to sober up hence he’s choosing his wife, kids, friends, work, anything anyone but me. I couldn’t accept the crumbling of this relationship over 3 months and never seem to bring it back to the state where we thought we were real and deep and we could keep it alive no matter what.

    Few of my friends knew about my situation and have shunned me after so many cry wolf episodes of letting go and moving on and truth is, it’s still dragging until I’m being dumped!

    • Monique Randall

      Stay strong! It’s very hard to let go it’s been almost six months for me with No Contact and I still think about him everyday. Although I supported my MM during his job loss period in 2015/2016, heleft me a day after I lost my job all because I held him accountable of his lack there of actions. He blocked me from communicating with him…He talked to me so bad then came back and said he wants me to be happy and he has too much going on. Bottom line, he lied about everything and told me his divorce was final in Feb and thatvhe and his wife were separated. I was in the process of possibly relocating to where he currently lives per his request but lo ittle to my knowledge, his wife was pregnant and he never uttered a word when I visited in early March (I lost my job At the end of March).

      I said all of that to say, time and inner strength will help you through times like this…Just keep reminding yourself of how he treated you and the things he said to you…That will remind you why it’s best for you’ll not to be together. You are worthy of love and the right person will see it!

    • Angela

      Hi Nomad,

      I have been following your story and you have been really brave. I was in a similar situation as well. I was with my MM for 1 year and then he found out his wife was pregnant and then we decided to mutually end it. But both of us couldn’t stay away from each other. We kept finding reasons to be with each other like his birthday and my birthday. But then came a time where i felt enough is enough. I am a strong independent woman and I DO NOT want his bread crumbs.

      You are neither bitter nor toxic, you are just in love and a victim of this situation. Take each day at a time. Im now on day 60 of NC and tomorrow is my first date in a long time. I know my mind will compare this guy to my MM and I know that a big part of me still loves him and yearns for him but I will not give him that satisfaction of knowing that Im going mad for him. Stay strong Nomad, we are all here for you. Try to move on..try to divert your mind with your hobbies or something charitable (it really helps) and then try to go on dates and just begin a new chapter of your life. I know its easier said than done, but give it a try.
      Lots of Love
      Angela

  • Monique Randall

    My married man and I started off as friends, true platonic friends. I was going through a terrible breakup (previous ex not married cheated on me with baby momma and got her pregnant). Anyway, my MM was truly a friend to me during that time as I was to him during his rough times with his wife. He said he wife wouldn’t have sex with him anymore or help him around the house. I offers ways on how their marriage could improve all the while he’s liking me more and more. Well, we foolishly crossed the line and six years later I was dumped by my MM the day after I lost my job. He blocked me from contacting him all because I told him I was disappointed on how he was not a friend to me during this terrible time. Yes, I told to him not to contact me but I was emotional–I just lost my job. Well, I end up finding out on social media that his ex-wife or wife (who knows) was pregnant and delivered their son two months after I lost my job.

    I dated my married man for six years. In fact, he was my boss five out of the six years. The relationship was toxic partly because I worked for him and because of his narcissistic ways. We argued all the time about work issues. Truthfully, he was and prob still is an emotional … However, through it all, we always find our way back into each other lives. Through the relationship, I miscarried twice (he wasn’t by side for either miscarriage), dealt with his mood swings, supported him emotionally when his father was diagnosed with prostrate cancer, endured their on again and off again emotional abusive relationship, dropped him off at the airport when he traveled back home every weekend to see his kids, lived with him while they were going through their “separation”, stood by his side when he lost his job, helped him redo his resume and work portfolio, acted as his boss for his job reference, loaned him money to pay his atty fees and child support, travel back and forth to see him during his unemployment period, travel back and forth to see him during his employment period, etc…I stayed by his side when all his assets were frozen during his divorce, He allOwed me to read the her threatening and blackmail messages to him about their kids, supported home while he rebuilt his career back in home city…I did all that to realized that he never loved me or was my friend.

    He told me their divorce was final in Feb 2017, well he actually told me he’s ready to get remarried and start a family Dec 2016, wanted me to relocate to his hometown. When I visited him in March 2017, we were in a good place. Discussing trips, finalizing what date I was going to move up there and we talked about taking a trip before he started his new big job. In fact, we begin the transition of me relocating to where he was living last year. On Christmas, he asked me to send pictures of rings I liked and pick our furniture for our new place… However, three weeks later after I lost my job he left me, blocked me, and told me we weren’t good for each other. Oh, he told me he owes me nothing, simply wow! Then he said that it’s not about us not being good for each other it’s that he has a lot going on and he wants me to be happy.

    During all this all the times I visited him he NEVER mentioned his wife or ex-wife was pregnant. I asked him about the baby and he said a baby is the least of his worries. He is a true hypochondriac so I took that as a grain of salt. The signs were there but I ignored them to keep down the drama between us. Maybe it’s my fault masked the true pain and state our fake relationship was in…I accepted he was still staying with family until he found his place so I we stayed in hotels when I visited, I accepted his last vacation with his kids she went but he never told me, I began to accept the inconsistencies in his behavior…What’s crazy I asked him in February did he need space because I knew he had a lot going on and he told me no.

    He knew his lies and double life was about to be expose but to leave and abandon me the day after I lost job was baffling it has literally destroyed me. He became everything he said he wasn’t and did the same thing my previous ex did to hurt me. Maybe this my karma for sleeping with a married man.

    I think about him often and wonder does he even think about me. Then I remind myself if he cared or loved you he wouldn’t betrayed you at your lowest point in your life. He’s beyond selfish and I literally hate him!

  • Nomad

    I’m starting NC again. It’s hopeless now. I’ve hit a dead end.
    Hopefully I can steer clear in the whole month of Sep.
    minutes become hour become days become weeks becomes month.

    Please give me the strength and support and cheer for me to let go and move on and no turning back. It is a decision to go back to my spouse before it’s too late. It is not a stunt to threaten mm to miss me and chasing after me just to treat me like dirt. He blamed himself for not meeting my expectations and causing me miseries. No more missing me and loving me. Instead all he could say now was sorry. He was online but not with me. He’s avoiding me. He’s ignoring my whatsapp.

    My parting words were “I’ll be blocking u, I’m sorry it didn’t work when I said i would give a sincere 1 last try, take care and good bye”

    I’m in pain…victory to his wife… I’m the loser after 15.5 mths

    • Needhelp

      Hi Nomad,
      I really feel for you. I know how awful this feeling is. I think one of the things that makes it so hard is because it’s not the same situation as a ‘normal relationship that has run its course and it’s time to end it. Actually you dont want to end it and know you could go back if you wanted which makes it so hard to continue nc with when you are feeling low.

      Don’t feel his wife has won though. I have felt like this myself but what I have realised is she hasn’t won at all. She is with a man who cheats on her, who lies to her. That’s not winning. It’s just a different kind of losing. If she knew about the situation I doubt she’d be feeling like a winner. I wouldn’t want to be in her position any more than I want to be in my own. I think we need to realise it’s not the wives that are the problem here, it’s the mm. They are either too weak to make a difficult decision and move on with their lives with someone else, or they like having it both ways too much. Either way they are selfish and put their own feelings first.

      It’s been 27 days of nc for me and although I have had a few wobbles I feel I am doing ok. After 4 and 1/2 years I am ready to move on and get a real life away from this mm who has totally messed with my head and my feelings. Im fed up of the drama that comes with him and all the usual lines I’ve heard from him a million times.

      Look after yourself. Be kind to yourself. Know it will take time to feel better.

      It’s hard. But you know the good thing about it? … there will be a day when you feel better. When you’re over it. When you can see this relationship for what it is/was. And whatever you feel about it now I’m sure you’ll agree it’s not healthy. No one on this site has a healthy relationship with their mm. And no one ever will. Best thing we can all do is get out. And we are all strong enough to do it. We just need to believe it.

  • Angie

    Ok so MM reached out to me last week!! Wen i had least expected him to. As usual he has nothin to talk abt except his success stories. Dont know wat brings him back to me each time! According to him we never brokeup, we just had a fight.. m talkin to him but unable to be normal with him.. i can never be normal agn. He accuses me of insultin him n not bein my old self but i cant. Found myself crying today aftee a long tym 🙁 his success stories just piss me off to the core!!

  • Zamo

    Hey ladies, I am in a point where in I desperately need to break up with my mm,not because I don’t love him but simply because of the pain I am feeling inside when rejects me.when he was feeling down nothing was going well in his life including work.I was there for him.now that all seems to be falling into place and at work things are going well.by the way(we work together same office)so suddenly he is too busy,doesn’t have time to chat or come see me.the way he talks to me this days it shows that our period is done.I need to leave him because things will only get worse from here.It’s gonna be so difficult because we work together have to see him happy every day,while I am all broken and miserable.help….how do I do this???

  • Nomad

    Help!

    We broke up again. The trigger was I found out he’s taking leave to celebrate his wife’s birthday, something which he didn’t do so for past few years. Why this year? Guilty? Want to make up? Making effort to rekindle? Lesson learnt after having me as a third wheel? I asked him why? And I told him I am jealous and I’m feeling more fearful because he’s making effort to pursue his wife or make her happy. I taught him how to win a woman’s heart and he’s applying what he learnt over the past year from me to her. He said it’s nothing wrong to remember her birthday and marked on calendar and he has no plans yet. Just marked a calendar and I was overreacting and I also took leave to celebrate my hubby’s birthday this year and bought him a watch. So… he learnt to rekindle the sparks with his wife…while I’m retreating away from my marriage. It’s silly why I hold on when I know where I stand now, we will not divorce to be together, we be haunted by guilt and fear stealing time sneaking around, we are drifting apart now that the stages of last, attraction and attachment are over, the oxytocin stopped releasing to the body, the willingness to continue wore off, so what’s left? His Biological needs? Which he would soon will be bored by the way I do it. Told him the way I see his we are ending would be he dumped me after he’s sick or bored of me. I tried ending it many times but failed because he’s greedy and selfish.

    I also couldn’t understand how he could handle his emotions about I’m sleeping next to my spouse every night, I went with spouse on dinner or coffee dates having more we-time (our kids are teens vs. his who still wearing diapers). How could he not feel jealous and possessive and angry and insane? How could he still want me? Whenever I think of his wife, it gives me the motivation to let go because I do not want to share him. I had my fantasy and I’m done. Because I failed the NC, because he gave me hope and crumbs, I foolishly think that I still want this “true” love.

    We spoke for an hr the night before. He finally agrees to let go because it pains him to see me living without inner peace, he imagined my tears, my misery and so he said he will control to disappear from my life. We said goodbye and “I love you” as parting words and hanged up the phone. I cried and let out my emotions. I couldn’t sleep that night as it hurt and I haven’t sunk into what had just happened. I didn’t block him because there wouldn’t be any messages from him anymore. No need for me to do all the stunts to reset a NC.

    The next morning, his text came in “love u baby” and no more from him that day and night.

    But it got me feeling depressed and confused and helpless and stuck for 24 hrs. I really do not want to waste a minute of my brain cell on him!!!

  • Maracuja

    Hi girls, hope you are getting better. Last time I wrote here was on July 6th as Mara.

    It was a difficult period for me before meeting MM: first time mom, relationship wearing off, unemployed, etc…I met ”L” when I started a temporary job. I am 32 and he’s 43. He gave me the attention I needed and it boosted my self-esteem. I thought I could play the game and it went on for 3 months. I became infatuated while he was hot and cold, giving me mixed signals. One week he would text me non-stop, inviting me for lunch and the next I wouldn’t hear from him. I was always the one starting conversations. He would do it when he didn’t hear from me. Deep down I knew I was attracted to the affair situation, not to him, the real man. I would feel excited when he invited me for a “date”, awesome while I was with him but feeling used and sad when it was over.

    I decided that since the “relationship” wouldn’t go anywhere and I was getting tired of the crumbs and the roller coaster, it was time to end it. This time I wasn’t going to initiate conversation and if he didn’t, then things would stay that way.

    One week later he reached to me. I thought about ignoring him but I needed closure, so I told him how the affair had affected me emotionally: my moods would swing according to his behavior and I was starting to have feelings! He said that the affair has been given him too much stress, he couldn’t deal with it anymore, so we needed to end it. I agreed and he invited me to lunch, where he spent most of it talking about what he’s been doing lately, plans for holidays, asking me how were things in my life, etc…
    I had to interrupt him and start the “breakup” subject! He said that he never promised me anything (true) and I told him his behavior had me starting to think otherwise! We weren’t on the same page anymore so there was no point in continuing! I always knew that but it hurts when you hear or say it! He asked me to cut contact and instead of starting straight away, we made out! It was a mix of excitement, anger, sadness…in the end I told him I would tell his wife! He begged me not to, as it would destroy his life and all he achieved. I wanted to scream at him, call him a liar, punch him in the face but I knew from the start what I was getting into! I always knew what the outcome would be and that I would be the one getting hurt!

    The following days, I kept trying to reach out to him, begging for another try, crying, angry at myself for being such a fool, for falling into that trap… I couldn’t handle the pain! I missed him everyday! The excitement, the passion…I wanted to see him one last time! It went from innocent mails trying to get him back to threatening to tell his wife! He never replied though, which made me realize he didn’t/doesn’t care. So I’ve stopped trying!

    Now, 1 month later of NC I’m feeling better, thinking about and missing him lesser, checking my email lesser, not getting nervous when I see someone who resembles him or a similar car brand, realizing it was all a fantasy, that ”he” never existed…but I still can’t erase the messages! I go through them from time to time…some of the things he told me must be real, right? They can’t all be lies?! It is impossible he faked all of it! I remember analyzing him when we were together…sometimes he blushed when I stared at him!

    I loved the man he was when with me but not the man he truly is, his lifestyle,etc…we are completely different so it would never work! Also how can I blame him for not even thinking of switching his lifestyle and achievements for “us”? I have to learn from this incident and never do it again!

    I’m still impressed by some of you whose affairs lasted for years! I’m sad and glad that mine lasted a few months! I don’t think he will ever try to contact me but hope that if he does I won’t be caring about him anymore!

  • Nomad

    Updates: Broke NC record of 11 days. On 12th days he was frantically finding his way back to me, “baby wru??” He said I’ve blocked him a thousands times but he’s still so into me and he missed me so much and he didn’t know I really could harden my emotions and broke NC record this time. FFW, I caved in and laid my baseline calmly that I’m given us one (last) try so can we cherish instead of wasting us wasting time. (3mths of lame NC, not mutually agreed NC was a total waste of time & effort). If he’s struggling with guilt or lost interest in me, I’m no longer his novelty that turns him lazy turns myself into his chores, then please let go. I reminded him that we’ve stopped creating memories since we celebrated my birthday in May. Is he confused that he’s in love with the ideal, the past memories and not who I’m now, after we’ve drifted so far apart? Yes he was relieved I’m back but the next day, he’s blowing cold and seemingly retreating, left me puzzled though not surprised.

    Within a day he knew I gave up again and my sincere more try was my toxic behavior (amazing that I now fit into the category of toxic partner!!). I find myself repeating that whenever I’m back, he’s back to “good morning/how’s your day/work ok?/how’s lunch?/busy working/good night etc” no more baby, miss you, it’s ice cold and I’m plunged into misery, regrets and anxiety again. He apologized and he explained he thought when I m back, it means we’ve “stabilized” like matured couple. He asked could it be loss of novelty and he’s not as crazy, I’m not as desirable. Oh no, I’m walking the path of his wife! Mundane, boring and being taken for granted. I couldn’t find any more excuses for him. I’m not even his unreal fantasy! We fought for 2hrs over whatsapp, longest ever since May. He’s thankful for the space I’ve given him since May and he achieved results at work, family bliss at home. I’m confused. Why would anyone looking to disturb a healing wound ?

    I told him I’m looking affection, attention and romance. If he has mental block letting his love and vulnerability flow on to me, then let go. I told him I’m actually happier, calmer and felt safer when I blocked him. If he can’t be with me, let go, don’t waste time because other people need us. When he’s back, he’s haunting me, I’m back to the one who checks phone obsessively, my mind was replaying good and bad memories, feeling stuck, useless, helpless, negative. My heart felt heavy and tight. Physically I’m not normal, my breathing, my head, my appetite. Mentally, I feel like I’ve given up and let myself sink to the bed of an ocean. Told him Blocking him is not a test but a decision I tried really hard to keep. There was no conclusion. I told him I needed to sleep. We were upset, angry and worn out.

    Yes I’m back for 1 day and sadness outweighs the happiness I thought this time it would be different and I’m getting it.

    How to get rid of him? How to make myself detest him?

  • Needhelp

    Hey all,

    Well it’s been 19 days of nc (on my side) now. I haven’t contacted my mm since I found out he had gone away with his family after telling me a couple of weeks before that he had ‘no plans to’…
    I’ve been on holiday with my kids in this time, we’ve had a fantastic time and I think it really helped me to not dwell on the situation and also get things a bit more in perspective – there is a whole world out there full of people I don’t know/haven’t met…why am I obessessing about this one man who treats me like s*It???!
    My mm has sent me a few texts in this time which I haven’t replied to – ‘you’ve been too hasty’, ‘you’re sulking’ , ‘I’m done’ etc. He has also called me a couple of times which I haven’t answered. So far I can only describe my feelings as a little bit numb… there’s something different about it this time (I’ve tried to end it with him before and failed). I think and hope it is because I’ve finally reached ‘that moment’ that people talk about – that final dreadful thing that makes you realise it has to end and makes you see things for what they are. This man has lied to me, he has strung me along, despite how much he might claim to love me. And you know what… I don’t want a man like that..i wouldn’t trust him for a minute! I agree with what others have said – I think I was in love with the idea of him not the reality.
    I’m hoping I can stay strong but am worried I will go on a downer at some point missing him and wanting to talk to him. One thing I’ve realised though is it’s more about a general feeling of loneliness than missing him for himself. We live 70 miles apart so I never got to see him that much, it was mainly text messages and talking on the phone. When I do feel I am missing him I’m asking myself ‘would today be any different if we were still together?’. And the answer is always ‘no’. I’d still be going to work doing the same job, I’d still be looking after my kids and taking them out at weekends (on my own), I’d still be seeing friends and family when I can … in other words my life is basically the same because HE WAS NEVER REALLY IN IT. He had his own life, he just called/texted me when it was convenient, came to see me for a couple of hours as and when he could. This is helping me realise I haven’t actually lost that much – most of what I think I’ve lost wasn’t ever reality – it was the ‘idea’ of him, the dreaming about what it would be like when we were finally together – none of it real!
    I’m also trying to look after myself more – might sound crazy but eating better, taking up yoga – I know this won’t be easy to get through but at least I have the thought that one day I will be able to look back at this and know I’m finally over it. If I go back to him again I’ll just continue this horrible cycle. Also I refuse to let him treat me like this – who the hell does he think he is? Does he not know how f**king fantastic I am??! Like we all are?!!! Well in the words of beyonce ‘if you like it you should have put a ring on it’ !!!! 🙂 HIS LOSS NOT MINE!
    Hope all you ladies are doing Ok – hugs to you all. You are all fantastic people who deserve better – let’s try not to forget that xxx

    • ImFinallyDone

      Love this!!! I was missing my ex-MM as well…and was tempted to get in contact with him…but Eff him…like you said…DOES HE NOT KNOW HOW EFFIN FANTASTIC I AM!!! That’s right their loss!!! Thanks for this!! let’s keep staying strong and motivating each other….we can do so much better than cheaters and liars…their wives enjoy it so therefore they can have it…

    • Trish

      Hi Need help, good for you with your 19 day nc. It has been 60+ says for me. My mm man had not tried to contact me at all and I’m not surprise. I think we both were at our breaking point and was ready to let go. I’m going to remain strong each day and wish that you do the same.

  • Nomad

    Yesterday (day5) was a lame NC because he emailed me 2x – asked me for lunch and later another email “unblock me”. Such a simple act cost me 1hr of tears and replaying our good times together in my head, blaming myself for being so negative and paranoid, swaying to return to him etc. I deleted the email, composed and forgave myself, and buried myself back to work. suddenly at the end of the work day when most pple had left, he appeared at my desk and flashed a charming and alluring smile and pleading me to unblock him before he rushed off to pick up his daughter.

    Today, NC day6, he threw me back to hell again and why m I not surprised? BEcause he had quick fix by showing up at my desk day5 evening, chatted a few words, enough to stir up my emotions and tempt me to surrender to the fantasy and addiction, over and over again under his mercy.
    So on day6, for whatever reasons, he did it again, punished me by vanishing into thin air. I’m so foolish to keep checking for his number if it flashed across the phone display but it didn’t. I thought about him a lot today. Moments alone in the toilet or office stairway, I’ll replay our happy days, don’t know why I am so irrational! My heart hurt so excruciatingly painful today. Took many deep breath as if I lost my oxygen (him, the mm). Tears started to flow and I was in the office! I felt so defeated! What’s happening? Moments ago I was still feeling proud of myself for achieving day6, next moment I’ve an awakening thought that I should follow my heart.

    I know I should say “thank you for not contacting me, I’m a step forward to letting u go and moving on” he’s driving me crazy!!! I’m on the verge of what the heck! Shall I Just unblock him and continue, don’t hold back anymore, don’t fight against my vulnerability, I’m so mentally drained after the emotional flip flops for 3 months of forcing NC but ended up hurting me more and benefited him! He’s happier these days! discovered new interest, new lease of normal & guilt free life! Why am I such a loser, dumped him first yet still stuck on her same spot while he’s liberated from me?!

    But the issue is I’ve up my defense mechanism and he knew by doing so, I am overthinking all the negative things about him and I’m responsible for the end of us. Whenever I melted by his effortless sweet talk and return, he would definitely blow cold! Proven! He would never fail to make me regret giving up days of my NC progress just to give us one more try. Hate to see it myself that we cannot return to the initial stage. Things have plummeted so quickly!

    I really don’t know how to resolve… how to stop living without being manipulated, living for myself, putting myself first? Without costing my job, my family… is day6 the day he has decided to let me go and enough is enough as I’m an idiot who had been playing so hard to get?! is he trying on day7? All these thoughts are killing me, what’s life like before him?

    I don’t want to hate him.

  • Lara

    I guess another thing I want to say is this: Sometimes I do miss the MM who was my “fantasy” man; but he never existed in the first place. I do NOT miss the real man I found him out to be. I hope this helps. L.

    • J

      I think that exact thing all of the time. I don’t think the man I fell in love with actually exists. He was a figment of my imagination. And he knew exactly what I wanted him to be in the beginning and he played right into that.

  • Lara

    Something struck me tonight as i saw my ex MM with his wife yet again: I was in complete denial for years over their relationship and whatever was going on between them. I realized this because in fact I had seen them together so many times in the past and I had seen them on FB looking very “couple-like in so many dinner photos, etc. And I would always bring this up to the MM and say “You two do not look unhappy to me!” But somehow I always believed the MM that i was all just for “show”….that he had no choice and “had” to act like that or she would get “suspicious!” he was having an affair! Grrrrr But someone once told me this: In any “he said/she said” story there is always 1) “his” side and 2) “her” side then 3) there is the TRUTH! It is funny how denial blinded me completely. Actually it is NOT funny at all. More like tragic. I actually needed to believe my MM because I was so very invested in him emotionally and I did not think I could live without him. Really! And he knew it too. And in my head, I also needed to “win” him over her somehow, or else I would have to admit that all my time and energy spent on him were a waste of my precious time! But when I saw them hand in hand on my street it finally clicked to me that he was lying to BOTH of us all along, not just one of us. In my head I had thought it was “me vs. her” (and he LET me believe that) but in truth, he was a shit to BOTH of us! In fact what he calls “marriage” is not what most people would call it. For him marriage means pulling the wool over his wife’s eyes AND pulling the wool over my eyes too. He is not what anyone would call a “good” husband whatsoever as he is NOT loyal neither to his wife neither to me. When I saw that it hurt like hell. Yes PAIN. Very bad pain. But it totally changed me. Now after a few months I think he’s a just a pathetic loser. Let him have his wife and have the marriage he supposedly complains about! He deserves it as far as I am concerned! I hope he is bored to tears in fact. And I hope when he finds the next woman “on the side” she rats him out! I am free from the drama of BOTH of them! Why should I solve his marital problems for him when he is such a liar? And he married her not me! Now, I would never ever trust him to be “mine” and only mine. He lies so damn well, why would I? So finally I walked out and stayed out. I hope this helps someone out there. Being over him feels GREAT! I feel like I have my life back again finally! Hugs and courage to all those who are suffering in these messy triangles. L.

    • ImFinallyDone

      Yes lara!!! They are such pathetic losers…I looked at the pictures of my ex MM and his pregnant wife at their baby shower on FB…the non stop comments, hundreds of likes…I almost felt a bit of jealousy…but then I thought why am I jealous…he’s a straight up liar and a DOG…I wanted to tell her you know your husband has been having sex with another woman your entire pregnancy…smh…but instead I’ll let the next side chick do that job for me…I’ll let them live their fairytale…I’m DONE!!! I don’t miss him…In fact I hate him…

  • Kev The married guy

    Kev the married guy, Its about that time for me to end it with the woman I’m having affair with, (if you don’t know my story you will have to read previous posy) I really love her and wish I could be with her but we both agree its for our best interest to end it. Because its not right and a lot of people will be hurt if we decided to do what we want to do…. I will love this woman for the rest of my life…The question I have is how do we break it off and still be friends? What are some things that I can do or not do so that I don’t come across as the insensitive jerk that I read about on this post.

    • Nomad

      If you truly love her, stop contacting her for her good. The reason I’ve been suffering from 3mths of lame NC was because he would return and tell me he missed me despite that knowing how hard I have been forcing myself to move on. Last attempt of a successful 4 days of NC was due to wkends and two days of avoiding going to office (blocked whatsapp and phone/SMS).

      Yesterday (day5) was a lame NC because he emailed me 2x – asked me for lunch and later another email “unblock me”. Such a simple act cost me 1hr of tears and replaying our good times together in my head, blaming myself for being so negative and paranoid, swaying to return to him etc. I deleted the email, composed and forgave myself, and buried myself back to work. suddenly at the end of the work day when most pple had left, he appeared at my desk and flashed a charming and alluring smile and pleading me to unblock him before he rushed off to pick up his daughter.

      What shall I do ?! It really takes two to end cleanly. I told myself not to hate him (that would mean I love him), I told him
      To do us a favor to stay away and be thankful that I let him go (his family is his world). Still he’s using me like a convenient store.

      So, if u love her so much, can’t let go, why can’t u simplify matters by ending your unhappiness at home and be with her? Otherwise, let her go, make her understand u r not contacting her anymore because u love her so u r letting her go. U know she would suffer by waiting for your call & text, losing sleep , fighting against doubts, anxiety and jealousy wondering if u r lying abt your situation with wife, always preparing herself for the worst – the day u grow sick of her and decide to dump her, justify that the stake (guilt/fear) was way to high to continue to risk with her etc.

      So don’t lead her if u know it’s merely addiction and greed. Or lee get go if her happiness is truly yours if it’s love.

      today i shall continue my NC day 6 (not resetting)

      • trish

        good to here Nomad. it has been 60 days of NC for me. I know he will never try to contact me and the same here. His drama was to get exactly the outcome he got. Us being over.

    • J

      Kev, I’m sorry, and respectfully, but what you’re saying sounds ridiculous to me. I have read your story and I haven’t responded before. But if you and your gf really love each other then you should be together. Life happens, divorce happens. Families heal and move on for the better. You don’t think your wife deserves someone who isn’t in love with another woman? Why can’t you allow everyone to just live their truest and happiest life. Your life could find someone who romantically wants her. You and your gf could be happy. It’s time for you to step up and do the honorable thing. Which is be with the woman you’re in love with. Truth

  • Angie

    Just found out that ex mm removed me from his facebook friends list!! Dont know wats more insulting, being unfriended before i cud unfriend him or being unfriended by HIM!! 😳😳😳 i wanted to keep him on my facebook so that i cud keep a watch on his life (n he cud see how happy i m sans his presence) but my plans hav been shattered!!

    • ImFinallyDone

      Honestly I don’t think the married men care about us once the relationship is over…they move on to the next mistress to replace us…

  • MMM

    Dear beautiful ladies,
    I have read many of your posts and felt very reassured that many of us are enduring the same pain despite that our stories and experiences may be all different. I feel compel to share my story because recently I was able to change my perspective and these thoughts may eventually be of help to some of you. I don’t want to be pretentious in any way; I just wish to boost your self-esteem!

    Ironically I’m writing this post from the most beautiful office one can imagine; I’m a successful businesswoman with everything the world has to offer. I lead a group of companies; I have children, a wonderful ex-husband, friends, family. No excuses. Technically speaking my life is full. Ladies, this can happen to anyone. Believe me.

    My story begins early this year when I received a call from an old university friend that was coming to town, he needed a place to stay, he was visiting the country because a relative was dying and wanted to spent his lasts days with him. Of course I offered my house and luckily for him, I was going to be out of town most of the time he was planning to stay, so it made things easier. The night he arrived I set him up in my place and left the day afterwards. That evening, for some strange reason and in the context of his grief, we both felt a connection that was totally unexpected. We hadn’t seen each other for more than 15 years.

    I came back from my trip and he was still at home, that was when the trouble gradually began. I will spare you the details, only to say that the months that followed were charged with that roller coaster experience that we all have lived and that frustration that gradually builds up. That constant craving for the connection. I tried several times to break it up, but the more I forced it, the more it came back intensely. The last few weeks were very painful and I just didn’t understand how could I possibly leave this situation to which I was so attached. We saw each other very little because we are in different countries, but we kept writing so much that by now the amount of texts could make up a really thick book.

    In the midst of my desperation I confided to a man. My ex-boyfriend who knew me more than anyone in the world and his vision allowed me to actually reset my mind about this dilemma. He provided me an interesting male perspective. He said to me “You might think you are doing this because you are needy, you cannot survive without his love and attention. You’ve become obsessive and addicted to him. You are suffering because of him. But let’s think it otherwise. Let’s think you a have a power, a superpower. You are a caring, comprehensive, interesting, loving person and you have been able to exert that superpower over that man. It makes you feel really good. Think about it. You are craving for his attention, but you also want to be and feel that fabulous being. Darling, sometimes you just have to keep all that beautiful energy to yourself and that hurts, because you are a giver”.

    I must admit that with those words he was able to change my perspective, in a way that felt empowering, I was no longer a victim, I was just a giver that needed to use my superpower more wisely. Slowly but steadily I was able to set things straight inside my head, communicate them clearly and avoid contact. Not easy. It hurts a lot, but once we understand the various sources of our pain we know better how to positively face the future.

    I do believe the underlying trait of all of us writing here is that we are givers, we have that superpower, we just need it to use it more wisely.

    • Lara

      Hi MMM: I send you a triple “Amen” for saying so many of us are “givers”! And many of these men we describe here fall into the “narcissist” category….And empaths and narcs are drawn to each other like magnets! (Because each one has what the other one does not have).

  • Sulondon

    Hi, i wish someone here could give me some words. I am devastated, regardless how much i am trying to pick myself up everyday to overcome this, but i am shattered. Just like what somebody here already said, we hoped this to be different, that our MM would be different, and what we had was special, was true, but in the closure, it is just exactly indifferent, the normal outcome – being used and played by MM. After 5 months of crying my eyes out every single day, wishing him to be better, to love me the way love should be, i finally could end it, in damages, chokes. All the time i almost got to the exit, i fell for his trap of fake promises and lies. I could not see i was his comfort fall back when his wife is away. He used my money, he controlled me; when he sensed that i was holding myself back, not contributing money as much as he wanted, he sneaked around to contact other women, yet still keeping me in hand to drain me out while waiting for another prey to come along. Everyday, i am telling myself to forget this and better things will arrive, but it has been a month, i am still tremendously hurt. I cant forgive myself to be so stupid. I am a successful lawyer, why would i let myself be so stupid? I dont know how to forgive myself..

    • Screwloose

      I feel the exact same as you. I’m also successful and he really wasn’t. I’m still trying to figure out why he devastated me so bad. Every time I look or investigate a gut feeling I’ve been right. He has move on, used me , doesn’t care ect. Which is a knife in my heart each time. For me I look back at how he was when we are together and it breaks my heart. But truth is like so many have posted . That’s not the real him. I know how he treated his wife and at the end it is now he started treating me. What I think hurts is we don’t want that fantasy man to be that way with anyone else because we believed we were special. That’s hard to accept we weren’t. We were just convient and willing . Also maybe because you are successful probaly very incontrol of your life you actually let your guard down and let the wrong person in. That is so difficult. I don’t know how successful yours was but mine was was not at all. So that’s a big blow to you how could he not want me I’m successful. Idk how you are gonna get through it, honestly I don’t know how I am but we don’t have a choice. What I’m doing now is putting a check down everyday I don’t talk to him. As it gets longer I feel like I would look like a fool to contact him. And trust me I have thought about it. But for me his words ring in my head. My Head has moved on and I feel my heart has too. Those words and what I see on what little of FB I can see . Mine has. So i have no choice . Know you are not alone. Read these posts when you are down. And just pray. It has to get better. It’s hard to forgive your self. I’ve done a lot of soul searching trying to figure out why and how I let this happen. it has to be something from your past. Take this as a learning experience and as hard as it is work on you.

      • trish

        hello everyone,
        it funny that you mentioned success. My married man is a driver for the company we worked for. I was just promoted to a manager with a bachelors degree, and my youngest daughter just went off to college. This man doesn’t even have a HS diploma. So yes, we fall for them. I too feel like a fool if I contact him, which is what I always have done. I’m tired of the DRAMA KING. Plus what can a person do when you are told to go about your business. What a person to do when your mm move 10 minutes away from his wife and don’t give her keys back and behavior is worse than it was when he was living there. Just let go. My hearts everyday but I think about how he treated me and the words he said to me.

  • Screw loose

    I have read everyone’s stories over and over for the past few weeks. They help a lot. There is no one I can talk to which certainly slows the healing process because I too am married. Mine was a school friend reaquainted through FB we live in differnt states but we’re together often. If I’m being totally honest we argued from the beginning. So I’m not sure why I’m so devastated. But I am. We initially had an emotional connection talking all day all night then the physical came. He has gotten mad blocked me on FB ignored made up so many times I’ve lost count. He claims his wife is a drug addict and the plan was when our kids were older we would leave and be together. Here is where I’m so dumb. I have a wonderful husband. But the passion I felt with the MM isn’t at home. I often wonder if I put as much energy into my marriage as chasing my MM if things would heat up. Well the mm and I are from two totally different life styles he does not wine and dine me I pay as much as him. I would be giving up a lot to be with him. So many times he made nasty comments about my income and I always said I would give up everything for him. Things started going really bad a few months ago.When he went out of town for work he changed. I was suppose to see him over the 4th and I said no because he had been treating me so bad. At that point he decided it was over. But me I have done nothing but cry and beg for the last 6 weeks. He will give me a morsel here and there but for the most part he said we are done. I have closed my FB and messanger and deleted his numbers totally today. It doesn’t stop the hurt, the disbelief he doesn’t want me, the embarrassment of me begging the 6 weeks of sleepless nights, tears weight loss . I’m sad even though I know it would never work in the real world. I don’t know why I can’t have some pride and let go. It was the way he looked at me that went straight to my soul and that’s all I see right now.I don’t want him to look at someone else that way. Although I have a feeling he has already met someone else. I went so far as today to ask him to come see me and if he still felt nothing we could part as friends . He first said no, then maybe but he needed to deal with his wife who is asking the same questions as me.Then I tried to call him and he wouldn’t answer . Told me he is going out tonight, and leaving early tomorrow to drive home so can’t talk to me. Of course I sent a long pathetic text asking him why he wouldn’t give us another chance. No response . That’s when I deleted everything. Last week I had finally accepted us being done then one message from him this weekend got me right back to the beginning crying. So clearly something is wrong with me to even feel this way.

  • Nomad

    I’ve avoiding going to work for 2 days… not knowing if he did look for me or call my desk at work. Pulled through NCday 4 and it’s harder this time because I’ve a strong feeling that he’s not coming after me anymore. He’s finally done. I am feeling intense anxiety about returning to work in few hrs time. I’ll be crushed and shattered if he left no missed call this time. My heart is aching…. I’m so scared this is it, that he is finally done with me when i was the “cruel” and righteous one to dump him first, hoping that he’ll crawl back. He did each time and dwindling until it fizzled out now… I pushed him away! Why am I regretting?! Isn’t this what I’ve been struggling to achieve ? That he has finally and fully retreated ? Why am I so devastated and scared and nervous about returning to office to find out no missed call from him?! Been dealing and healing in isolation. i have to be back in office tmr and I can’t be running away forever. But I really can’t imagine how hard I’ll breakdown tmr….

  • ImfinallyDone

    I think I hate my MM now…I’m so disgusted with him!!!! It’s one thing to cheat on your wife…but to cheat on your pregnant wife….and he never told me she was pregnant…I found out on Fb!!! Like forever waiting said you look at the wife and think she is so lucky…but is she really?! She isn’t lucky at all….her husband lies and cheat on her….slept with me unprotected…I’m so embarrassed that allowed myself to fall so deep into his trap…but today I’m finally free…I finally see him for who really is….I want no parts of him…I’m going to throw away everything he ever gave me….

    • Nomad

      His wife is pregnant… did he ever say to you he hadn’t been sleeping with his wife for years? Mine did and if his wife ever gets pregnant, that’s an evident of a liar and my awakening rock bottom.

      Mm admitted he’s greedy, couldn’t control himself and will not divorce because his family has been his world.

      • ImFinallyDone

        No he never told me he wasn’t sleeping with her…our relationship changed and he just came around for sex…last time we spoke he told me he wanted to have unprotected sex…and ejaculate inside of me….thank God I didn’t allow that to happen….I don’t understand why…I was so shocked when he told me that…but thank God I didn’t put myself at risk to get pregnant….my whole family hates him…and they would be very upset….

        They look like such a beautiful power couple….I don’t understand why he’s doing this to her…hopefully he changes after she gives birth…

  • ForeverWaiting

    Hi all,

    It’s really hard to reply here to all trying to help, so thought I’d add some key points to sum up the real situation you’re all in rather than what you think it is (for the majority) – just my thoughts after going through the same thing.

    I haven’t seen the AM (Attached Man, 14 yrs with his gf and mother of youngest daughter) for almost a year since the day after my birthday, and stopped talking to him last September. Awful stuff happened at work so he lost his job – the dept went through transformation and was horrendous losing him at work, my rock for 5 years (and in the week, he stayed for 2 nights, but living 70 miles away I no longer got to see him! shocking feeling after spending 5 days a week with him and up too 3 nights) – but it ended up being the BEST thing that could ever happen, and I was lucky to have his friend rent my spare room as he was 1 contractor that stayed on – so wasn’t financially dependent on the AM. After finding this site, I realised my story was no different from others….. so that’s it in a nutshell! Your stories aren’t any different either – different circumstances, but the rest? They are all twins! triplets! Same personality. Same lies.

    1) You cannot ‘break up’ with your MM, he is with his wife/Significant other as his full time out in the open relationship, the affair is just that, an affair. My ex AM was so convincing, even friends asked if we had ‘broken up’ (the few that knew and had met him). Impossible! You’re never together to actually break up, even if they convince you you’re their girlfriend and the one they love blah blah BS.

    2) Of course they will make their wife No:1, they don’t want to be caught, they cleverly cover every step, remember these men are devious, only devious men cheat for so long nastily manipulating both sides. you leave? he’ll stay with his wife, he is NOT that unhappy with her!
    If I was someones wife, I’d expect to be put first…if not, I’d ask questions. oh yes…they have wives, you’re not even priority No 109….. because he does not respect you, or anyone for that matter. And if you’re a secret? You’re nothing in his ‘real’ life. And why would you want to be? He is not to be trusted by anyone, poor kids…parents…their friends too…..

    3) The golden period – they will suck you in, become laid back because you give give give…., they change goalposts (massive red flag I should have realised after a year…went back on everything he said like not caring if his gf moved with the daughter back home 200 miles away to then wanting her to stay close…so he needed the business to earn more money to make sure of this….oh so he needed more time…I gave him another year…and another…and another…..get the drift?!) – But we UNDERSTAND! of course we want what is best for their kids/business/finance, we are empathetic caring intelligent women, we do understand, no rush, must not be hasty, things have to be perfect before they leave….sure, carry on lying to us both the next year, move goalposts in 12 months time…I will understand AGAIN. Oh, what a lovely lovely man! his wife is so so lucky to have him…… (If I had understood, I’d have stopped after kissing him the first ever time and ran a mile or 10!)

    4) You forget normality, you forget what it is like to have someone with you on a Saturday night and you are their only attention, no secrecy, he is all yours, no sleeping with 2 women, throwing you breadcrumbs but oh he is your best friend!. We talk about being addicted to the MM…it’s actually NEED, they take you through the golden period and then you NEED them.
    They treat you like a queen, we are so so touched – they do everything and they seem to take huge chances (when actually they’re not, remember, they’ve covered their backs) – so they must love us!! We must be amazing like they say as they are cheating on their wives! it’s the wifes fault! And they love US! I mean they must do…sleeping with 2 women and manipulating us both…it must be love, right? they have excuses, we understand….we have no choice, we must not complain, they are doing all they can to leave or trying to resist us….oh it’s all SO hard for them – the poor poor MMs! We sympathise….. and the going round in circles continues….
    No, we are their 5% happiness, brainwashed, like when you first start dating someone, a forever honeymoon, he is a cheater, so is more than happy to enjoy this honeymoon, but as he is a narcissist, he is also very good at making you believe his sweet nothings. Nice men simply don’t do this. Narcs do….this honeymoon went on for 3.5 years for me….but it was also the most heartbreaking and depressing honeymoon period ever. Why? Because I’d kinda like to be the only woman in this honeymoon period – but there seemed to have been 2 of us…. not such a great honeymoon, not such a great man.

    I will end this there for now and add more soon. I understand, myself and others were where you all are a 1-2 years ago. Support each other on here (I’m meeting LittleFrenchie tomorrow, she is in the UK!! we have spoken for almost a year and been each others rock! she too is beautiful, intelligent, great job – but like us all, got sucked in, as such a nice lovely person).

    And remember, EXPECT PAIN! I promise you, it will go in time…mourn, cry, eat, don’t eat… the reason why it is so hard is because it’s not even a usual break up! I was going crazy, all over the place for a few months…but that’s fine, it’s all healing. You have been used and your spirit abused, which makes it harder. But I’d never ever ever go back! And like me, after time, I also promise you you won’t even LIKE your MM, in fact, the thought of him will make you feel sick, because you’re realise what this is all about. HIM.

    Make it about YOU….. life is too short, your time is utterly precious, love the man who gives you him AND respects you. He is out there….and remember, love yourself, because you aren’t whilst entangled in the MM manipulation and lies. Give yourself years to move on, but do, because only you can change things, only you can end things, you’re in charge of your life. Good luck! xx

    • Lara

      Forever waiting, THANK YOU! for such a thorough and inspiring letter.
      You really are spot on with your list of things. I have not had contact with the MM since Palm Sunday. We had a very long off and on affair lasting years and he works next door to my house. I have so much to say and so many warnings for other women in this situation but I know one really has to reach a “bottom” with a MM before one is ready to stop seeing him. Mine was seeing him hand in had with his wife on my street! I agree with you that these men all have the same lies and seem to be triplets! They are not good men and really we could never be happy with them as they are cheaters and liars. But we get blinded by the excitement and the sex and the passion and we call it “love”. It is so addictive! But so toxic too.
      I agree we are nothing in their lives and their wives and marriages are not that bad. I have been making it my business to make him nothing in my life too since Palm Sunday. All the caring I did for him was thrown away by him as he already had a wife at home. When my parents (elderly) became ill this year he was nowhere to be found. Ditto for when I had job stress this year. It was always only about HIM. A typical narcissist. It took me so long to figure this out but at least yes I did figure it out at last. But of course he wanted me to stick around. And why wouldn’t he? I was great for fun and adventure and I was never going to “tell his wife”. But like you said these men are not to be trusted and that is why their wives often watches them like hawks. I could go on and on but you and I both know these men all run the same game and use the same script. They are not worth the time or trouble.
      I have learned too: Life is short! And there are other fish in the sea! I got so tired of trying to be happy with my few crumbs. I am all crumb-ed out!

      • Nomad

        It’s so hard to believe that the “love” is reduced to lies after all … I’m still in a state of denial and each time I thought I’ve hit rock bottom…

        I know it’s not worth it but I really don’t find any meaning and any ounce of energy to live anymore…

        Been sitting around for half a day replaying how we evolved and reduced to nothing within a year and 3 months of lame nc, seeing the end soon now that he has found new interest and novelty to occupy the space I let out. It is no longer about me even I rarely asked him for a 1 hr lunch. He was excited about his new purchase, I was and we were forgotten (avoided). He blamed it on me that I killed us by blocking him until he now gave up and channeled his energy to new terrain.

        It scares me to read that some have been going through NC for months and some were with mm for years and still feeling the pain..

        I don’t know how to live day to day in a way to love myself…

        • VickiP

          My heart goes out to you! We all know the pain. We all know the despair. I wish I could say anything to make you feel better. But there isn’t. Big hugs to you.

        • ForeverWaiting

          Ignore everything the MM has said.

          Not relevant. None of it is. It does not matter. None of this.

          You sound depressed, myself and LittleFrenchie (who I met yesterday I’m from the UK and she is from France, hence the name!) both suffered depression when we pulled away and tried to move on (and have, better than ever). LittleFrenchie ended up on anti-depressants for a few months (AL part of healing and helping yourself). I felt like you and had a stressful time at work so took 3 weeks stress leave. I was ‘depressed’ but still felt a sense of relieve. When you feel down, ti’s almost like the scar to start healing…. when you are ‘happy’ with your MM, there is no way out as that feeling is nice.

          take this sad depressed feeling as a start of healing…get worse before you get better, like any injury.

          You only feel the pain if you can’t accept the lie, accept they were NOT nice men, accept it’s not over as it never started but there is nothing. The MM are with their wives, not us, simple. There is nothing more to it. Whatever BS they spin you.

          Get counselling, go to the doctors – stop making life about him as he never ever made his life about you. All this time you’re obsessing over someone manipulative who makes you feel like sh*t, are seconds, hours and days wasted on GOOD THINGS. He does not care, none of them do.

          Stop asking him for anything, you’re asking the wrong guy!

          Get some help, it will go a long way. Find other people to text and chat too, go online dating (with caution, filter well and don’t believe all people say). Fill the void with other stuff….but please please get help. You had a life before him…he hasn’t been your life…go and get that life back! He is nothing. Just nothing.

        • Trish

          Hi Nonad
          I understand but it will get better. No they don’t think about use nor do they care. They have truly moved on to other interest that can give them what they want. Of course it will always be our fault because they don’t take responsibility for NOTHING. My mm lied and cheated and it was my fault. Every time we broke up I initiated contact, that speaks volumes of how he feels about me and us. His daughter was always convincing me to go back. Now my number is changed and I speaks to no one. It is hard as he’ll. 9 years is a long time to end up with nothing and have to pick up the pieces and move on. The only person that can do this so well is them. That says a lot.

        • Lara

          Nomad, please try to get some help outside of this board. The isolation of our affairs makes it harder for us to heal because most of the time our closest friends and families may not even be aware of what is going on with us! Affairs are very destructive like the author of this blog Laurie says. Obsessive love is destructive! And very isolating. Depression is quite normal after pulling away from such a destructive force. I know for me I needed counseling and anti-d’s and I had to do a LOT of reading here and other places to understand my MM was never going to make me his one and only. But he never wanted me to leave him either. So I stayed stuck for years breaking up and then going back. This was my pattern. Now I am making myself and my own family (i have two grown sons) my priority. I have been disciplining myself each morning to consider and DO what I need to do for myself and my health and general well being. Little by little the depression will lift and you will see that you MM was not worth your time and energy! Please take care of YOU! Sending hugs, L.

      • ForeverWaiting

        Thanks Lara 🙂

        Yes agree you have to reach rock bottom, the real rock bottom, something usually happens to put you there – but it’s the best thing that could ever happen to make us pull away from these toxic situations.

        These ‘men’ (I use that term loosely!) are not unhappy in their marriages…but they DO NOT have marriages, I don’t call a marriage or a relationship just that when a one side is having an affair, pursuing other women/men, lying and being deceitful. Not much of a marriage to me! They have nothing with us and nothing with their wives, these people/men live in their own sick screwed up fantasy world.

        You MM’s wife was holding a hand that has been all over another woman….that poor woman has no idea (one day, I hope she does). When I get married and hold my husbands hand, I’d like it to have only of touched me since we got together.

        There is no love in the marriage or respect, there is none of that with the affair partner too – the marriage isn’t real, the affair isn’t real….. we live THEIR lies.

        Haha all crumbed-out- spot on! The transformation at work was the most stressful thing I’ve been through, workwise, and the AM lost his job…what a bad time…but the best ever! I soon realised, without work, we were nothing, less than the nothing we were and I didn’t realise. Like if your MM got a job 30 miles away and not next door…you’d have seen him a lot less.

        These men are opportunists, that’s all. Lets not give them that opportunity. give opportunity to those lovely men out there who are single, genuine and have respect.
        it was the most tiring and stressful time of my life (even though I got on with my life)- I’ve been through worse with exes but they gave me their time. It was just 2 of us. Out in the open. Real.

        We will never tlel the wife, that’s why we are ‘chosen’ among our other qualities. If I did tell the wife/gf, it would be for the poor woman to escape, he could be SO horrible, I feel sorry for her living with such a nasty demon. I pray all these wives and gf’s of theirs are set-free, as they deserve better too.

        • Lisa

          U know its true these mm have nothing real with us and certainly not with their wives. Their Vows dont matter to them. Their heart isnt with their family. If it was and if they did then they never would be having sex with anyone but their wives. We need to remember ladies, WE ARE THE LUCKY ONES as we know these men for what they are capable of and we know what they do. We see them as they do it. So seeing the mm with their wife, the one they made their vows with shouldnt make us depressed or leave us feeling like losers or wearing these labels of hurt our emotions make us feel, or any of the other negative light we paint our selves . What we should feel instead is, 1. flattered that we attracted a man that is married and should only be making advances to his wife, 2. Empowered because we hold the cards to take things where we want it to go … that only works if we pass on his advances btw and 3. Shes the one stuck with that fraud that really isnt a good man as our fantasy portrays him to be.
          LADIES LETS STOP GIVING THESE MM THE BEST OF OURSELVES . THEY DONT DESERVE IT AND THEY SURE DONT APPRECIATE IT. THEY ONLY USE IT , MAKING US FEEL USED. SCREW THAT.
          WE ARE BETTER THAN THAT.!

    • Nomad

      Forever waiting, please promise me I’ll heal, mm is not the love of my life…and that after time, i won’t even LIKE my MM, the thought of him will make me feel sick. It’s just impossible and unattainable now, today, tonight

      • ForeverWaiting

        Nomad – I promise you!

        Why will your MM make you feel ill? Because when you start healing, you start to feel better (you will, BUT YOU need to make steps, change your life in very small ways, but do it, only you can do this, no one can wave a magic wand, you need to be productive) – then when you think back, you’ll start to also stop thinking about all the ‘good’ times (I had an amazing time, but, now looking back, those amazing times make me feel truly nauseous – because it was a lie, he was manipulative, it was all controlling rubbish, and there I am on a short 2 day break with him, or day at a theme park, or a night on the sofa with food, wine and a comedy movie, laughing and smiling……thinking he was my world, I was his as he said, I devoted every second of my mind on him for 3.5 years….thinking I’d be with him until the day I die and beyond, but it was all BS…nothing short of BS).

        you need to start thinking of all the sad times, and the times when you were happy and then turned sad (he went home, you lay in bed upset…he let you down…he got angry etcetc). STOP putting him a pedestal – this goes to all of you.

        What we have in common with these men is they are obviously cold selfish nasty creatures (to do this to their wife, then you, then all others involved) but all women (and men who in same position) here and ALL websites have stated their MM/ attached man is

        1) Successful – which means they have high confidence, probably push to get what they want and most lie to get to the top…. we all do, think of fibs on CVs, in interviews…subtle BUT that’s what they are doing with you. How else do you think they’ve managed to accumulate wealth, big house, kids and a wife who puts up with their horrible temperament (whilst giving the golden period to you, they are not being nice to their wives…. poor women, poor us)

        2) The have money & bug houses – they all have money to wine and dine us, treat us like princesses….most are a bit or much older, the younger ones have as much in the bank, to create the world THEY want. How many of us have said ‘My MM is poor, he lives in a 1 bedroom flat with his wife and child, we can’t afford to eat out….he earns minimum wage’ etcetc?! NO ONE ON HERE!!
        Yes those with little money have affairs, and no way are all successful men cheaters…but the long term ones who have NO intention of doing the RIGHT THING and leaving, right for their wives to find someone who respects them and right for the affair partner too….we this website are entangled in.

        Would these men have such emotional, physical, spiritually and mental control over us if they weren’t wealthy, terribly confident, cold and calculation plus live in denial themselves? NO!. But we look up to them….and it’s MADNESS! these are not the sort of men I’d want my niece to look up too (I don’t have kids).
        I’d tell her to run a mile or 100….. men who are honest, have integrity, respect for all and love in a genuine way….are the men you’d want your daughters, friends, nieces…mothers…grandmothers to be with – so, why would you accept being with anyone less yourself? Because they are professional liars. Cold. live in their own dream world they’ve dragged you in too.

        It’s a long road, to recover and move on…but unless you start that journey, you’ll never get there. Last January, an ex date from almost 10 years ago who I still spoke to said ‘he won’t leave, I bet in a years time i’ll be the saying the same thing and you’ll be 4 years in’ – i said no no you don’t understand, it will happen this year, he promised….it’s the business and money, his other daughter etc.

        Well, that friend was right, by January this year I’d not seen him for just over 4 months…..now almost a year on and 12 months since last speaking to him, and 4.5 years after he cried saying he couldn’t take his girlfriend any longer and I was the best thing to happen to him…he is still living his family live, growing his business…and getting on as normal. he lief for 4 years making out they did nothing and had no life – but what another friend pointed out ‘how do you REALy know whats going on at home? I bet he keeps things normal, and lies’ – that was last September, after that comment, I never texted the attached asshole again.

        And I feel sick at the thought of him as it wasted my time, my precious mid 30s, he got all my friends I introduced him to to like him, my parents loved spending time with him (they thought he was my flatmate part time)….for me he was the best thing ever….at the time, when you’re IN THE DRAMA….you have no idea how they are actually HAPPY living 2 lives. I hate him too as he stopped me dating, fully knowing I’d meet someone. I did, and now realise again what true love is, not the BS he controlled me with. My bf is mine 24/7.

        It is hard…all I will say now is start dating, just casually, companionship, and soon you look back and think ‘I can’t believe how awful the affair made me feel, yet I stayed in it’.

        Start your journey, expect bumps in the road, to date a few idiots…but trust me, living without the MM is MUCH easier than living in what now I see as hell. Sending hugs and love X

        • Nomad

          Forever waiting, hugs and thank you for your promise!

          I’m feeling drowsy after taking anti-d and crying my heart out. but quick updates/ response to your msg:

          1) mm is not rich nor successful; he’s my peer, younger but struggling to survive work stress and bringing bread & butter home (his wife was out of job for 2 mths). He has no big house or luxurious cars. I’ve achieved much more at work at home compared to him. I was lacking love (mundane and being taken for granted) and attention and found mm incidentally.

          2) I fell hard for mm for reasons that I couldn’t find or get from my spouse. They are very different. Mm is a talented artist who could paint, draw and compose songs. He may be trapped in another industry but his dream is to pursue art once he’s done with his responsibilities towards his family. He did all that priceless and romantic things for me. He said I inspired him to draw and compose songs and poetry. We knew he couldn’t shower me with material stuffs given but he could give me what money couldn’t buy, what I couldn’t get from my spouse. That’s why I thought he’s real and deep and he’s different, we were different. His guilt and fear would get in the way whenever we grew overdosed of each other emotionally and physically hence he retreated and be back after he forgot the paranoid and jealousy and insecure shit from him which drained him and turned him off. Last was he hinted that I’m possessive which my spouse thought I was emotionless, how ironical.

          So, he’s my first and last. I’m married with teenaged kids (vs. his young kids) so I’ve no option to move on by dating another. I ever “joked” about let’s divorce our spouse and be together after his youngest reaches 18yo(>10years later). At the beginning, his response was let’s do it, let’s dream and keep it alive, and one year on, his response was evasive as if I was Glenn Close in fatal attraction, he’s so fearful that I’ll wreck him and his family.

          I’ll upd again after I reach office tmr. My heart is so tight and heavy, hurts and I can’t breath properly… i wish I’ve hit rock bottom (eg. his wife got pregnant or I bumped into them looking so loving and exposed his lies). I wish i stop wasting my life over him.

  • Angie

    Its like starting NC all over again after so much bitterness. Day 5 of NC today, since he came back to insult me last on Saturday..It still hurts, pain continues to be there but not as much as before. Wen i look back at April, May & June, i would say i was a mess! Broken, Distressed, Lunatic, Stress.. All the time!! am much better now.. healing process is very very very slow but it is there.. One thing is for sure that he wont try to contact me again, which gives me strength to move on… Another thing I have realized is that i had been so harsh & derogatory towards my hubby while i was with mm…. i ignored hubby’s needs & always put mm first, but mm always puts his wife’s needs first.. m nowhere in his priority list & he used to do nothing, n i repeat, ‘nothing’ that wud cause stress to his wife or put his marriage at risk…Maybe thats the reason he escaped god’s justice or karma as they call it.. hes soo happy with his life… has everything one can dream of: Awesumly high-paying job, more money, perks, abroad trips, family… hes havin a gala time while m stuck in a horrible job & struggling to find a good job.. m in pain & feel so used and fooled.. the good part is that m nomore a pawn in his game & moved out to live with dignity & happiness…

    • J

      Good luck and I hope he leaves you alone. Actually I hope he comes crawling back again but you completely ignore him. No insults, just ignore. Silence can be deafening. Your words really are making me realize that my mm always puts his wife’s needs before me. No matter what. She always comes first. If she says jump, he asks how high? He never ever does anything that puts himself at risk. He has no problem breaking plans with me, blowing me off completely, etc… Keeping his life intact comes first. This has changed little by little. In the beginning he did whatever he had to do to get me. Was the sweetest most accommodating man who put me first! Little by little it all changed. And it absolutely disgusts me thinking of what I’ve put up with. Yet, he talks about what a fat idiot his wife is all of the time. Unreal, but he will do anything to keep that fat idiot (his words, not mine) fooled. I’m young, attractive, have a good job, motivated, active, why deal with this nonsense?!

      • Angie

        Thanks for replying J! Wat a nice example of jumping.. its true for him as wel. 😁😁 its got nothing to do with ur mm or mine, but its the universal problem!! After reading comments of almost a 100 women frm diffent parts of the world on this forum, i hav realizd all mm put wives’ needs before anything n everything.. they hav to do it to keep thm happy n stress free so that they can get away with cheating on women like us who r nothin but a 3rd wheel… this buffoon maintains such a goody 2 shoes image in front of his inlaws.. as if there cant b a better son inlaw & husband than him.. BULSHIT!! Wen we had our last conversation on sat, i told him i had no interest in hearing stories of ur influential in laws but had to put up with ur bs.. to which he insulted me by saying he too gives a SHIT to my family.. I feel like calling his inlaws n telin thm his reality.. i used to send gifts for his son everytime n help him but gifts for his family (even his wife) n he has the audacity to tel me he gives a SHIT to my family.. WOW!! This is called true love & a real man!! as far as ur story abt puting u first in the beginning is concerned, plz read other women’s n mine stories n u wil get to know u werent the only one who got that presidential treatment initialy 😜😜they all show sum other face only while trying to woo us.. mine used to shower me with msgs allllll the time.. once he got me, the frequency reduced n eventualy, he stoppd!! He wud bluntly say he was busy or even lazy to msg! He used to cry in frnt of me so many times pleadin me never to leave him else he wil b shattered.. wheres that man gone now? I often blamed myself or my behavior that maybe caused him to change but this is how he always was.. be strong n if u feel the need to talk, write to me on angelina.ryan88@gmail.com

  • Nomad

    Met mm for lunch, 2 days after we had sex, why wasn’t I surprised that he turned cold, avoided looking into my eyes, his eyes no longer sparkled for me but only when he talked about his novelty on cars. He avoided heavy topic. I asked if I’m no longer his novelty. He said he has been distracting himself with new obsession on cars over the two months when I blocked him. He asked if I wanted to hear a white lie, if yes, then I’m not his novelty, I’m not a passerby, I’m there to stay. Truth is, he didn’t know but he has gotten used of me blocking him and thanks to me, he filled the void I’ve left with new interest, exciting novelty. He was so different during lunch compared to 2 nights ago when he talked me into sex, how much he missed me, how hard he tried to call me daily and by chance I’ll pick up his one call after 10attempts. How soothing my voice was and he asked if I’m still his baby.

    Over lunch, I scrutinized his face and I found a stranger… what do I still need from him? What do I still see in him? He’s no longer giving me attention (blame on me and my blocking) and affection (blocked, lost the emotional connection but living on past good memories). He’s only romantic and sweet when he’s horny (which he said i accused him and he’s mad that I think so low and ill of him. He’s tired of “loving” me due to expectation of him, having to always assure me. My negativity has rub it off on him.

    I can no longer believe him. I’m no longer getting love, attention, affection, desire from him so why am I still stuck ?! Back home, I broke down and cried so hard for the 1st time ever since I “decided” to end it with greatest determination after he had celebrated my birthday with me 3mths ago. It had been lame NCs. What puzzled me was, at least twice, I truly wanted to start afresh with him but whenever I’m back, he becomes cold and distant, why didn’t he treasure me? Only yo miss me when I restarted the cold turkey NC. What’s happening? After two mths, I stopped questioning what’s wrong with him? What’s he thinking etc. i know the answer, he has never loved me or want me enough. I was foolish and convenient. Suddenly I do not wish to see him ever or speak to him because I’m mentally trapped and exhausted , my words carry no weight, I’ve lost my credibility, he’s only telling me lies or things that it’s safe for me to hear.

    Cheating is fundamentally and morally wrong. I know. I’m guilt stricken when I’m home seeing my hubby who’s so stressed at work, struggling to Keep his job and he took for granted that I’ll understand he has no mood to shower me with affection and make love. so I got what I wanted from mm then (12mths + 3mths of lame NC). Mm served my needs bsck then.

    Now Since mm has changed, what’s left for me to hold on to? When will i ever wake up to the harsh truth that I must let go and move on, how to be strong hearted to resist a mm succumbing to addiction. I unblocked him just to find out he didn’t text me at all when he was online. So I blocked again, hopefully this time it could last a longer NC like 11 days.

    I’m so confused. I’m heart broken again. I’m feeling hopeless abt NC. It has done more harm to me than him.

  • Peculiar Lady

    My situation is slightly peculiar. Not long ago I moved from New York where I was completing my masters to London, where I landed my dream job. My married boss and I became very friendly, and noticed an undeniable sexual tension which we found weird, but both acted badly and pursued. We decided to have sex once and see if that may kill the tension. (I must mention that at work we are very sexually open and all adults about it so it’s quite an easy thing to do without anyone being suspicious) It was fun at first, but the sex ended up being so good, we did it over and over again. I became a different person and went on a journey of self discovery sexually. I am now so sexually aware of myself and have definitely grown in that regard sleeping with an older man who worships my femininity. He always says he doesn’t understand why the sex is so good, that the goodness is running us. Apart from the sex, we became best friends. My parents got separated quite young so I never had much of a dad and he became the father figure in my life. He is always there for me, through everything. At work, people call me his baby because he is 14 years older and everyone knows we have a great relationship, he is my mentor, I look up to him and he is always looking out for me, so naturally I’m his baby. In fact people tell us we think alike and behave alike. Someone even started saying that we look alike. He’s helped me become the person I am today and I really admire him, his advice, his care, his push, his friendship, everything, but the bad part is that I love him in a way that I shouldn’t. So many times we’ve tried to end things. Usually coming from him, he feels guilty because he feels like he is taking me down a path in life that he is so ashamed of and he is meant to love me and be like a dad to me but doing this kills him because he feels like he is destroying me instead. Because of the relationship we have and the fact that we actually know what this relationship is doing to us is so crazy. We’ve stopped the sexual part for a few months now and have tried to move on but the desires have grown so much stronger. It’s so weird that we know what is right for both of us and it’s so hard to do it.
    At some point, his wife was away so we spent almost everyday together and our bond only grew stronger, finding out how much we have in common and were great together. Another odd part is I don’t want him to leave his family for me, I’m young and I don’t know if I want to marry him, plus I love his family together, and because I love his kids so much, I would hate for them to break up. He’s never said he would leave his wife either and I’m not like one of those people that wants him to. He’s totally honest with me. He always says this kills me because I have a wife who loves me and has made so many sacrifices for me, and this is how I repay her? He never really says bad things about his wife. Sometimes she does things to upset him and because of how close we are, he’d say it, and I always try to help him see her persepective. In fact a lot of the time, I tell him he found the one for him that I could never have married him because of his BS. And a few times he says if he married me, I would’ve left him because I’m too much of a millennial to have patience with him. We really want to be the people everybody thinks we are in each other’s lives. It’s so bad even his wife sees me as his first child and she’s so friendly and nice to me.
    Most times we are happy because he treats me like a princess, and there was a time where we fought quite a bit but now we understand each other so well, and have been through a lot together and been there for each other.
    Other times, we go into this phase where we both feel guilty for what we are doing to each other and end up hating ourselves for the decisions we make.
    This is a harder relationship to get out of I think because we are both trying to get out of it, without losing the deeper bond we have. The last time he said to me I can be sleeping with any 20-something year old anywhere in the world, but it shouldn’t be you, because I love you, want nothing but the best for you and I know this is destroying you. We haven’t had sex since then, but we have had phone sex. We saw each other a few days ago, just to catch up because I had been away for a while and he was also going on holiday in a few days. We hung out in public and he dropped me home, we made out and had really passionate hugs but we didn’t have sex which we were both super proud of. It feels like progress at the moment, but I don’t think we are strong enough and I’m scared we are going to fall back into this.
    I also get a bit emotional about the fact that he always has to go when we spend time together because I’d rather fall asleep in his arms, but at least 8/10 times I need him or want him around, he finds a way to be there. I know that’s not the same as someone being yours and if anything it should scare me that he is able to make that happen with a wife and kids.
    One of our biggest fears is that we would never be able to end this till it blows up in our face and destroys the relationship and nothing would kill us both like if we lost this relationship. How do we mend this before it gets too late ?

    • J

      Sorry to tell you but there’s just no mending until you say goodbye to each other. And that means never seeing each other again. My mm often says very similar things to me. He’s quite a bit older and says he’s not right for me and wants the absolute best for me. But then he just can’t resist me. He tries to stay away sometimes, but as soon as he sees me, he says that he melts. He’s my best friend too. I feel like he’s my whole world sometimes. We talk non stop all day. Sometimes I want to stop talking to him when I get jealous of the time he spends with his wife. But I can’t do it to him because I know it would devastate him. It’s so hard.

      • ForeverWaiting

        Hi J,

        I’m ForeverWaiting and have been trying to reply to others on this website as it’s been almost a year since I saw the ex AM (Attached Man) and what I didn’t realise a year ago – what we think or have been manipulated to believe is not true, far from it – nothing is real, the feelings, love…care…nothing (unless he leaves his significant other, to be with you full time).
        I haven’t read your story but just wanted to say your MM does not want the best for you (mine still said that 6 mths after I stopped talking to him, emailed me out the blue in March), because if he did, he’d walk away and let you get on with your life. Trust me, his intentions are purely selfish and you hearing that makes you WANT to see him and carry on pining. He knows this, he wants to come across as the good guy…and it works.
        Myself and all the others on here that broke away heard the same lines, taking others experiences and realising mine was no different helped me realise what a narcissist he is and was. I was trapped for 3 + years, looking back it was all horrific! I guarantee you’ll all be happier once over the initial shock than you ever ever have been with the MM. Then you look back and think ‘what was I thinking? what a waste of my precious time and life!’

        Any man who is more than happy to cheat, married or not, won’t resist the person they fancy and who is enabling their cheating and welcomes them with open arms….what a pathetic excuse, even if his wife IS the devil. He has got away with it, he will continue manipulating you both. Who wants a ‘man’ like that? not me! It’s not love, it’s pure destruction, and it’s all about THEM.
        I used to feel jealous of the long term (14 yrs) girlfriend, all the time, I’d lie in bed alone feeling awful – but at the time I was blind and the AM helped me in other ways I depended on (money, support….oh and yes… he was my best friend! he encouraged me work and play…my mentor…my counselor…. oh how I laugh now at him taking advantage of my trusting sweet empathetic nature!).

        Now? I feel sorry for her! Poor poor woman! Whilst he was having sex with me and staying 2 nights a week playing happy families away, she was looking after his daughters and running the business…..what a horrible horrible person he is! But of course, it was all her fault….same old lines……that bad? leave! No? ah you’re jsut a nasty cheater!

        He is carrying on his life like he wasn’t cheating in the worst way possible for 3.5 years, leading 2 lives, I even met his youngest 3 times between her age 1.8 and 2.5! (she got too old and would have repeated her day to her Mum) There are no boundaries, the AM/MMs have no heart, it’s everyone elses fault. The blame is on all around them… all a boring blame game. I got blamed for lots too…and dare I EVER complain! (madness looking back, utter madness!)

        I too was convinced my AM would be devastated, I had reduced him to tears before…but when it came to the crunch, we no longer worked together, so didn’t see each other….i pulled away…. he just left it (stopped giving him fuel). Trust me – if your MM would be devastated, he wouldn’t be with his wife, it is as simple as that. I started dating after about 4 weeks, wow it opened up my eyes, even when the first guy messed me around….normality! And no BS. Good luck!

  • Nomad

    I’ve caved in after 4 days of NC. I’m feeling used but it’s my choice I know. I did it in the name of love (I want this man, I miss him, his smell, his attention – in crumbs but intense, and his lies – that he loves me). My heart won and I lost my rational and righteous mind. Effort wasted, days of living like zombies, sleepless nights crying myself to sleep, forcing and faking myself to move on, all forgotten in the spur of the moment when he appeared at my office after work. No harm for coffee so we went but we ended in a room, as usual, had a great time just to suffer days weeks after that living in guilt, anxiety, insecurities, regrets and exhaustion

    2 months of lame NC, I didn’t initiate contact but occasionally I responded to his to satisfy the withdrawal of the addiction and to ease the pain while healing. I was making slow but good progress like I could sleep/stop checking phone/stop waiting because I’ve blocked him/stop unblocking him!!!/ I could enjoy more good days without obsessively wasting my life while he’s able to live normally at home. I could consciously make effort to cook, to go out with friends, to focus at work on good days. I thought i am moving on fine. I read and reread the threads here everyday, feeling encouraged and fighting hard to quit mm together with angels here, some stories were as if mine!!! Now I am lost. I unblocked him but since we parted last night, he hasn’t text me. Not even good morning like he used to do so to let me know he thought of me the moment he woke. Last night when I reached home, he text “reached home? I better text u else u b mad again thinkin y I didn’t care if u reach home safe” I apologized to him because I think I hurt his feelings of telling (lying) him I managed to live normally with husband who started to show me affection. I even showed him my husband messages with hearty emoticons. My husband never text me as he’s a busy man who live to work so that explains why I surrendered to a mm & affair. Mm looked hurt and forlorn when he heard that I’ve moved on and I don’t need sex, his sweet talk, passion & affection feelings faded, I’ve come to my senses, I’m living well (I lied in his face as much as I could because I’m angry that he’s the one who could switch me off and live better). Then he looked so sad that he lost me, he asked me how could I when we were real and deep. I know he wants to eat his cake, let’s satisfy our needs that we couldn’t get at home. As a woman, I couldn’t stay in the grey area. But after trying so hard on so many rounds of NC in jun/jul, the longest was 6-7days. Fast forward, I soften and he talked me to a room.

    What shall I do this time? Start another round of NC? Or give another try with mm? *deep breath*

  • J

    This whole situation is so tiring and sickening that I can hardly even stand my own thoughts anymore. I’m usually a very happy and upbeat person who jokes around. People have asked me what is wrong. How can I let this one person control my life and happiness?! It’s so horrible. He spent lots of time with me on Friday because he secretly took time off work and Saturday while his wife was busy. Told me how much he loves me over and over. Was so sweet. Then Saturday night went out to dinner and to listen to music with his wife. Texted me late that night at 12am telling me he just arrived home and he’s very worried because he thinks she wants sex as she was telling him all night how handsome he is. Then he disappeared for awhile, then came back and said he’s safe because she went to bed. Even told me that he’s sleeping on the couch just to make sure she doesn’t try to touch him. Sunday morning he tells me nothing happened and he fell asleep on the couch. But then tells me that his wife told him she had a wonderful time going to dinner and listening to music the night before. I asked him if he had a good time and he tells me that he did. This is very confusing to me as he texted me throughout the night telling me he was thinking of me constantly. So I asked him why he had a good time. He said it was a great dinner, nice music, and she was fine. I just don’t understand this at all. He had a great time although he texted me saying he was thinking of me constantly and he had to sleep on the couch to avoid sex?!?! That’s a great night?! I’m so confused. He told me Sunday morning he was thinking of me and loved me. But then was rather distant the rest of the day. He also blew me off when we were supposed to meet later on because he supposedly had to help his grown (spoiled) daughter. I’m so sick of the games. I find my stomach actually hurts sometimes while I’m waiting to hear from him. I just never know what he’s going to say. Any words would help. Thanks

    • J

      An update, sure enough he’s done it again. Texted me yesterday that he’s having a very hard time with our “situation.” His wife hasn’t gone to church with him for 20 years, but since her cancer has decided to suddenly start going. Well he claims he feels such guilt because in the mass, the priest was talking about looking to the lord when you have problems in your marriage. He feels like a total hypocrite, as he’s very active in his church. He feels guilty because his grown son and daughter need him around he feels, although neither live at home anymore and are in there 20’s. I wish so badly I could go back to last year when he pursued me so aggressively. I would stay so far away from him. Biggest mistake of my life. If I only knew the heartache and pain.

      • Lisa

        J …
        Awe thats messed up that your going through it while hes over there playing the victim. Not only are you having to carry your own ( bag of) emotions, but hes trying to make you carry his too!?
        Doesnt he think that he may be hurting YOUR feelings by all this? Its an unfair situation for sure hes over there doing the back stroke, while your the one thats getting the short end of the stick.
        Your not alone girl , were all in the same boat.
        Dont be too hard on yourself, save that for him.

    • Nomad

      J, who on earth would be so explicit to his lover in the details between his wife and him ?! Didn’t he know your heart will be bleeding and breaking and feeling so helpless as you were listening so far away?! I am feeling so sad reading your story.

  • Angie

    Hi Ladies.. after so many days of staying strong and recovering frm the trauma, m feeling broken & hurt again.. mm succeeded in breaking me agn.. its been more than 2 months that i had broken up with mm. he never tried to convince me to come back but kept ghosting me n thn reappearing once in a while throwing 1-2 crumbs in shape of 1 word msgs saying hi, or writing something spiteful… anyway, i had accepted that its not gona work n was doing fairly good, until he tried sneaking in bak into my life ! the last episode that happnd arnd 2 weeks back where he sent me nasty msgs for ignoring him n i had blocked him (to avenge that, he blocked me back..lolzzz) brought back the pain agn & i found myself crying after many days.. the same day he calld me from an unknown number and tried to reconcile. told me the blatant lies agn that he loves me, wants me back etc etc etc.. i had melted hearing his BS lies agn, but that very moment i realized that the happiness wil last for only 2 minutes n thn back to the drama… desperately waiting for his msgs & calls, feeling disappointed since he still wont have any time for me, being ignored, ranking last or maybe nowhere in his priorities, the jealousy, pain & anger for his wife, n above all, forcing myself to hear his bragging n pretending to b happy in his success.. noway… i was much happier sans all this stress & drama in my life & cudnt imagine bringing those demons back inside me.. i told him politely that i have no harsh feelings agnst u n we can talk normaly but i cant love u the way i did coz last incident has left me shaken (which is true).. i told him i cannot forget the days i faced humiliation from my husband n had noone to share it with (mm had abandoned me that time). i told him lets b frnz to which he had agreed. he ghosted me again for a week n i too kept myself occupied & restricted myself from contacting him… he msgd me on saturday ONLY to brag about his upcoming international trip! asked me nothing about me or anything thats happnin in my life… anyway, i wasnt surprized since it was never about me in his talks.. but i felt so jealous to hear abt his trip! in hindsight, i was more pissed coz he has a tendency to contact me ONLY to brag abt his stuff.. i started having flashbacks of all his atrocities towards me & got so pissed that i ended up requesting him not to msg me agn. told him m much happier now than i ever was all these months… infact i event told him m happy coz i dnt hav to put up with BS & boring stories about his wife & her influential relatives… to which he punished me by writing a chain of nasty msgs.. said that he too gives A S*** TO MY FAMILY. he brought my mom & sisters in between.. Such a sick bastard.. I blocked him agn & he blocked me back… its been 2 days n he hasnt tried to reach me n i pray he never does! it was meant to end this way but wat hurts me is that he insulted me yet AGAIN! So here’s my list of why cutting him loose was the best decision of my life:
    1. Hes too SELFISH & a big NARC.. contacts me only to brag about himself. Can go on & on & on talking about his achievements (Hes the same man who got fired a few months ago from my company coz of poor performance)
    2. He never had even an iota of love or care for me.. Wen my hubby found out abt us, all he cud do was accusing me of being CARELESS & telin me beyond a point we r not together & i cant do anything for u… (N he still has the guts to try to come back in my life!! )
    3. He just used me for having a good time but could not handle it wen i asked for validation
    4. He did nothing ever to make me feel special or loved.. on my birthday as well, max he could do was calling at 7 pm to wish me (No gift, surprise, celebration, not even a msg at midnight)
    5. Coz hes full of S***, EGO & LIES
    6. Coz m exhausted beyond my capacity to try explaining to him how he neglects me all the time n how i feel abt it
    7. Coz it never was LOVE from his side… he forgot me the moment he left my city
    8. Coz he ghosted me & left me alone wen i was goin thru the biggest crisis of my life.. y did he hav to come back wen i had learnt to move on?
    9. Coz he kept coming bak only to giv me more pain & punish me more.. each time more than the previous time.. i was in an illusion that he makes an effort to reconcile coz he loves me, until i read an article on narcissists.. it said that narcs wont let u break up so easily coz they dnt wana lose their supply..there u go!
    10. Coz this affair has sucked all my energy, peace & happiness out of me while giving me ZILCH in return…
    11. Coz he crossed all his limits this time by bringing in my family in between.. this is his true face which he had been camouflaging all this while..

    I regret cheating on my husband coz of an ******* like him.. hes indeed the most disgusting & the worst person in the history of mankind.. i dont wish anything good for him n pray that he suffers for all his wrong doings towards me.. hope he never contacts me agn to insult me more… As someone here said, thr r no happy endings in the affair! Plz write back n motivate me ladies.. I really need it at this point…

    • Sam

      Angie, you are doing the right thing! It’ll take time to get over these men, but we will! Keep reading and rereading why it’s over.
      My husband and I are separated, and MM asked his wife for the same, not to be with me, nor I with him, just that we were fed up in our marriages. She has turned into a raving lunatic and is threatening him with everything. Last week we agreed mutually to end it. He’s too preoccupied with his shit, and she’s looking to nab him. Yet he reaches out to me every couple of days “just to say hi.” It’s maddening. We are still friends on FB and I won’t block, but I don’t initiate conversation. Yesterday was another “just hi” message. Really? WHY? I’m trying to move on here, don’t follow him on FB, don’t go to his timeline. We have mutual friends, so I will run into him eventually, but he lives 5 hours away, so unless he’s at his vacation home (same city as where my vacation home is, that’s how we met), we won’t see each other. It’s maddening how they still hang on. Why? To keep us hooked? Do they miss us? We had a strong emotional and physical bond, but I’m desparately trying to build my new life.

      So in brief, Angie, stay away and heal your heart, like we all are!

      • trish

        hello everyone, it’s been two months no contact and of course he hasn’t tried contacting me either. I know for sure it is over and has been for a long time. He just waited until he found someone else. My heart is still very heavy and I think about him a lot. 9 years is a long time to waste on someone you never ended up with. He’s a drama king. I will never forget the last words he said to me, which was “you can go about your business”.. Time will heal all wounds.

        • Feeling Lost

          Hi Trish. I feel your pain as well…9 years lost and it hurts like hell. His wife has cancer and he said it brought things into perspective for him. The last thing he said to me was he wasn’t mad about anything and he wasn’t trying to be mean but he had to distance himself because it was just too difficult. I asked if he still wanted to try to be friends and he said yes, definitely. That was almost 4 months ago and we have not spoken since. My heart still hurts but 9 years is a long time to love someone…I guess it will be a long time to fully let go too….every day I keep trying. We have to stay strong! That’s the only way to survive this pain.

    • Lara

      Angie BRAVA!!!!! Specatacular progress!! I have been reading all about what narcissists are like on Quora….there are so many threads on the danger they pose….Perhaps you will like reading there! Seinding hugs L.

  • Needhelp

    Hey all,
    Well I have just had a terrible moment but also maybe a turning point.
    I had started to have suspicions this week that my mm was on holiday with his family. He had told me a few weeks earlier that he had no plans to go with them but I noticed his last seen on WhatsApp was showing strange times suggesting he was out of the country. I left it a few days but eventually today I could hold it in no longer. I sent him a text to say ‘how are You’ then asked him if he was away. Then came the messages…dont start on me…you don’t understand…im having a horrible time…im in a room on my own…im only here for my daughter etc etc.
    I told him he was a liar and not to ever contact me again. I blocked him from whattsapp. He has now just sent me 5 text messages saying I was too hasty in my reply… He is not there because he wants to be…etc etc. Ive not replied to any of them and I don’t intend to.
    My brother got married yesterday and he asked me to read a poem at his wedding. It was all about ‘what love is about’. Whilst I was reading it it was clear to me that nothing what I have with this mm is about love. There is no honesty. There is no being there for each other. There is nothing based in reality. I don’t exist in his real life. I am nothing. It hurt..i nearly burst in to tears just reading it out loud. And then I find today my suspicions are right and he is way with his family again.
    I can’t back down this time because if I do I just look like a fool and he will know he can treat me how he likes. I want to hurt him. I want him to be away on holiday knowing that I have rejected him. I hope it hurts him. Even just a fraction. My hands are shaking as I am writing this and my heart is racing. I am so angry. But I dread that moment when the anger turns into hurt and that feeling that I would do anything just to hear from him or have some kind of contact with him again. Every time I think of him I try to remember a photo I once saw of him and his wife. At the time it was like a knife through my heart and still is in a lot if ways but it makes me realise what is the truth and what isn’t. He has a wife. They are a family. I am nothing but a bit on the side no matter what he says.
    The worst thing is I am due to go on holiday in four days with my kids. It’s a holiday I’ve been looking forward to all year and I really don’t want it to be spoilt by feeling down about all this. But I don’t know how to stop that happening. I suppose I can’t. I need to just remember this man is a LIAR. Would I want to be with a liar? NO. Would I trust this man if ever we were to be together properly? HELL NO. Could i actually forgive and forget all the hurt that ive been through these last few years with him? PROBABLY NO.
    Any words of support would be greatly appreciated right now. I’ve never needed them more xxx

    • Nomad

      I couldn’t call my mm a liar because he did say
      – he will not divorce and his kids are the most important and innocent pple that he loves and will protect at all cost
      – he is going on an overseas holiday trip and he couldn’t say no to his wife who always the one initiating; last yr he bothered to assure me that there was no intimacy with wife during the trip but now I’m seeing it coming in 2-3 mths time and I’ll have the urgency, a deadline to move on before it happens.
      – I’m his fantasy
      – he doesn’t know how to love without guilt and fear

      I too, don’t know how to break away knowing all these harsh truths but I do know I must not sacrifice my own family for someone worthless like mm, thanks to his honesty upfront.

      • Needhelp

        Hi Nomad,
        I think vacation time is the most difficult time of the year. My mm always says he is just going for the kids, they have separate rooms etc – of course I have no real way of knowing if this is true and it drives me crazy. Sometimes I just wish I could get out of my own head because I can’t stand my thoughts any more. I think about it / him from the moment I wake up in the morning to the moment I go to sleep. It has taken over my life.
        I was thinking about this yesterday – my kids are only young ( I split up with my husband not long after the youngest was born) and nearly every photograph I look at of me and my kids i know i was thinking about my mm when it was taken. Every one… It needs to stop. I can’t waste this precious time with my kids dreaming about a mm. I used to respect myself – I left an abusive husband and rebuilt my life. I don’t respect myself any more. I feel weak and pathetic – taking this mm back after saying it was over. Accepting this situation and being grateful for the scraps of attention he gives me. I need to get the old me back. I need to start living in reality. It’s hard but I need to do it.
        I am trying to remember that what will be harder is going through all this again next year and the year after that…
        Good luck to you – this is a horrible place to be. Hopefully we can all break out of it.

        • Lara

          “Need help
          Your list below is AWESOME and it makes me proud! You are doing a great job. This takes real work! I am really speaking from years of experience with my own situation here. Get all the outside help and support you need to get away from this MM and STAY AWAY. Even after all these years of on and off with the same emotionally abusive MM I know he will always take me back” if I just play the game “HIS WAY”. These men rarely if ever go away “for good” they play on our emotions to get us back and then we get back they keep us STUCK.
          As long as I minimize my needs and I respect all of his needs; as long as I ask for nothing but he gets to have his cake and eat it too, my MM will ALWAYS take me back (no matter what games he plays that he is ‘leaving” me). The games are all BS. And why wouldn’t he take me back? He gets great sex for free and never gets caught! So my days with my mm are OVA now that I see how much I have to demean myself to be with him. I would rather use ‘toys” than be with him honestly. At least they are not emotionally abusive! 🙂

      • Lara

        Nomad consider the advantages a MM gets from having a patient kind and sexy woman around them with no other needs than love and romance……. AND A WIFE! Of course they love us! Why not? I had young kids during my long term affair ( I was a single mom and thought no man would want me) But I was a fool and I was very pretty! duhhhh So much of the way we think as women is the way society has conditioned us to believe….we live in a patriarchal culture and we women secretly often believe we are owed less and deserve less than men do. My own mother and father and ethnicity contributed much to this thinking in my head. Misogyny is rampant in our culture just think about it. As women we often come to settle for crumbs believing this is “better than nothing” but we are just plain wrong and even Jesus or God himself would not want us thinking that way about ourselves. We are just as important as the men and so are our needs and our own kids. But it is not easy to think this way because the culture often preaches the opposite. Think about it! with hugs, Lara

    • Lara

      Needhelp
      Whatever you do, please don’t put this man ahead of your vacation time with your four kids. This is a memory-creating time for you and your family and it is precious! Try to feel the gratitude that you have 4 children presumably healthy and give your love to those who need it and want it most, not to a person who is so dumb and selfish as to throw it away. I can not take away your pain regarding this man but the more you etch that picture of him and his wife into your brain the better it is for you. Don’t cave into doubt and security. I know how hard it is. I have been there so so many times. And sometimes I still feel hurt and sad and abandoned and all those things that lead us back to these situations. But the only way he will ever be yours and yours alone is to allow for him to separate himself from his wife and then eventually divorce. You deserve love and your own man! Otherwise this love triangle can keep going on for years and years. Take it from one who knows!

      • Needhelp

        Thank you Lara, I will do my best. I am feeling ok at the moment but I don’t think what happened yesterday has quite sunk in. I know I am going to be in a bad place in the coming weeks as I have been there/here before.
        I have been thinking a lot about this situation and one thing I do know is that it will never change whilst ever I am in contact with him when he is still with his wife. Why would it? He has no reason to change anything! All I have done is make his life more bearable! Well, no more…
        I have been thinking of things to try and help me through this –
        1) stop checking my phone every five seconds to see if he has text me. This has become almost an obsession. I need to stop. I have blocked him on WhatsApp anyway so there is no point! Every time I pick up my phone out of habit I am trying to put it down without looking at it. I can’t tell you how hard it is sometimes but I need to recognise this is an obsessive habit that needs breaking…
        2) concentrate on the people who are actually in my life. In other words ‘choose the people that choose you’. My mm doesn’t choose me and never has done.
        3) try and be kind to myself and know this is going to be very difficult at times. I have tried this before and failed…please not this time…!
        4) remember that if I crumble and go back to him I will be sat here feeling the same next year, the year after that and the year after that. I remember saying this to myself back in 2013 and here I am four years later – sad but true – it can’t go on any longer. I will never have a decent relationship or, more importantly, peace of mind whilst i am stuck here.
        5) try to see some positives in this (although this is very hard). I no longer need to obsess about all the ways his wife is probably better than me, ‘what does she have that I haven’t?’ etc, wondering what he is doing, what are they doing together etc etc… the list goes on…
        6) recognise that this is an OBSESSION. Is it love aswell? I don’t know, but it is definitely an obsession and recognising that makes me realise even more that it needs to be broken.

        So for now I’m going to pack my bikini and go and try to have a great time on vacation with my kids, with the people that matter, the ones who choose me. This is a trip of a lifetime for me and I’ll regret it to my dying day if I don’t make the most of every second. We only get one life and I don’t want to waste another minute of it. I know it will get harder before it gets easier but I guess I can only take it a day at a time…

      • Feeling Lost

        Hi Lara. I read your comment and your thoughts always seem to help me. I guess maybe it is because you have gone through this for so long. Like I’ve said in prior posts, mine was 9 years and I can’t imagine how you went for twice that long. I wish we could talk. I’m having such a hard time right now. I cry a lot, but can’t mourn like I feel I should because too many questions would be asked. Oh the secrecy of affairs. It’s been almost 4 months since I’ve talked to him and I’m still in horrible pain with no one to talk to but my counselor. If you’re ever free to talk, please let me know. I don’t want to hurt anymore.

    • J

      I’m very sorry for your pain. It’s so awful sometimes. Unfortunately I can relate. My mm has been spending lots of time with his wife lately, as she’s recovering from her lumpectomy that was over a month ago. They’ve been going to the beach, dinners with friends, listening to music together, going for walks, etc. It all makes me sick to my stomach. But he says I shouldn’t care because it’s all just as friends, that he feels no attraction to her whatsoever. But he loves her as his friend. Swears they have no physical relationship. Even tells me that she attempts to kiss him and he dislikes it so much. Says it never goes further and even says that he physically doesn’t even think he could with her because she physically repulses him. I never know what to believe. I feel your pain. I’m sorry. I know how much it helps to read the comments of others going through the same thing.

  • Nomad

    Truth abt NC is not what the experts preached that it would help to get the man back. It is to forcibly end things in a cold turkey way. It allows mm to contrast and realize life’s more peaceful and breathable without the affair; the thrills is not worth the risk; their wife should be protected and appreciated as she’s innocent. What else is not clear? He’s lingering for short term pleasure, nothing true, deep nor real abt his “love” which is now gone after NC, without daily connection. Now it’s clearer to him what he wanted me for when he’s “back” initiating pathetic contacts.

    I woke up this morning what popped up in my mind was: I need to persist the NC to protect myself and not to waste life. By now he should’ve bed his wife, no longer sleeping on separate beds (each slept with 1 kid), prepared the other bedroom for the kids so that they can rekindle their deprived married life in the bedroom after few years. By now they should’ve booked their overseas holiday (which put me thru hell when they went last nov). By now he should’ve made plans to celebrate birthdays and excited bonding trips. By now, he is ready to forsake me. So why m i still not letting go? He’s destroying my life and yes I empower him and so I’m to be blamed.

    At times I regretted NC… I killed us… I caused the lost in the momentum and he’s gone.. only to be back for selfish reasons… really painful to go thru these mental flip flops not knowing how am I really progressing

  • Feeling Lost

    My heart still hurts after all this time. It has been over 3 months. Some days I feel I’m doing better and then it hits me. Nine years and now nothing. Some days I just feel total disbelief.

  • Nomad

    I’m angry with myself for not able to move on. He has gotten used of me blocking him and stopped asking me to unblock. He has stopped calling my work desk for past 2 days. Bumped into him at work and I asked if he wanted to meet after work. For the first time he rejected me, no more beaming with gratitude and delight that I’ve actually soften and initiated. He said better not as he ran out of excuse. Of course that’s rubbish, he would find 101 ways to meet me if hevwanted to. I finally feel defeated. Lame NC has faded the attraction, addiction and it has become clearer that the past 1yr was a lie, nothing true nor deep. He became comfortable with life without me. I’m again feeling so painful and hurt.

    How to let go and move on? How not to feel
    Stuck and hating myself for being so cheap?

    • Survivor of an affair

      Hi Nomad,
      I can identify with your story as I did the same with my coworker mm. I too broke up with him countless times only to go running back into his arms when he begged, pleaded and coerced me into getting back together. This last time he responded with a completely different attitude. He took a new tack with a cavalier, indifferent response followed by silence. On prior occasions our no contact would last two days at most before he’d reach out. This time… nada. I’m kind of in shock although I know in my soul that this is a true blessing not in disguise. The same applies to you. Remember that these toxic relationships are addictions and what you’re experiencing is withdrawals. The only way to move past an addiction is to starve it until it dies. I’ll be totally candid. I’m still checking my phone for messages even though I know it’s over forever. There’s definitely a space and I can feel it but it also seems so right. Personally, I’ll take the sensation of a void over a miserable, unsettling, unfulfilling, unhappy semblance of a relationship. Remember we’re creating a space for someone healthy and available to love us whole heartedly. Something that helps me move on and escape the dark thoughts that follow an ending is to remember that they are just thoughts and not reality. We are much greater than our thoughts and our ego. When you find yourself questioning his motives, intentions, etc and feel doubt rising, just stop and do not give life to those thoughts. You’ll only go crazy and wallow in self-pity. Chances are he cares about you, likes you and finds you attractive. These “relationships” are just bad for everyone and there is rarely if ever a success story. By ending this you are rising up. Focus on yourself and erase the questions about what he is thinking or doing. Take care of your needs. This too shall pass. Also, give work all your effort, show up with a smile on your face, engage with coworkers and look your best. Fake it until you make it and remember that the best revenge is living well. God bless.

  • Needhelp

    I saw this quote today, just about sums it all up for me…
    “Never settle for less than you deserve, because you’ll end up with less than you settled for”.

  • Angie

    Hi ladies! am writing after really a long time since i decided to go on MM detox for a few weeks. So its been close to 2 months that we broke up.. We kept havin on & off relationship in these 2 months, but nothing constructive came out of it. I was abiding by my decision of NC but used to reply wen he wud send me any msg. For those of u who do not know my story, my hubby almost found out about our affair after he caught us talkin on phone n watsapping multiple times. The last episode occurred a month back wen mm had called me. He was infuriated & gave me a final warning, saying that m ruining our marriage for a virtual relationship since this man wud never leave his family to be with me if our marriage breaks. (though it was already decided that we wont leave our spouses but will still LOVEEEEEEEEE each other) Next morning wen i debriefed mm about my situation, he told me ‘That is true. We never thought of having a future together 😐 ” he was blunt n firm & told me that beyond a point we r not together & will never be. he blamed me for being CARELESS & told me that i warned u several times that don’t take risk for me …. WOW…. i permanently ended it with him there & then itself thinking sumday he will realize n wil want to come back to me, he will apologize for showing so much insensitivity.. but all in vain.. wenever he msgd me during this 1 month, it was either to fight with me or tel me that he hates me… i experienced heaps of contempt from my hubby all these days accusing me of cheatin on him at every given opportunity.. i was broken but meanwhile, i started rebuilding myself by putting all broken pieces together. i went on mm detox n slowly started healing. i wasnt the same person anymore. i had moved on in my life n the pain was fading away. i was learning to take mm chapter as a joke n wanted to focus on my career & my marriage. but at the back of my mind, he was still sitting, n i wondered if he’s hurting at all… nonetheless, i was happy with my progress. things started settling with hubby as well. But as they say, the devil wont bother u while u r living in sin, he’ll bother u wen u r trying to get out. Last week, out of nowhere, mm called me. (I clearly remember one angel in this forum warned me that he will try to re-enter ur life once things r ok between u & ur hubby..Bingo!! ) he was bragging about his progress & his accomplishments.. how everything hes touching is turning into gold n hes bathing in a pool of money!! (this is the same person who was fired from his job a few months ago & was goin thru major financial crisis.. he constantly needed me to validate & stroke his ego) not only does he hav the guts to reach out to me after all his atrocities towards me, but he spoke as if we never parted. according to him, we never broke up n wer always together.. (really, wat kind of relationship is this where u abandon the other person in distress & disappear for a month?) he never even asked me how r things with hubby, forget abt apologizing. he thinks that he owns me… how can he expect things to be the same between us…. i had clearly drawn a line between us n spoke to him very formally unlike before. he started calling me everyday after that. i took his calls 2-3 times n thn i stopped… i knew for a fact this is gona hurt his narc ego & he wud punish me for that.. last night he sent me a chain of msgs threatenin me that now he wont call me or ping me since m not taking his calls. he said he was only trying to keep it alive without any motive, otherwise he has no time for these things!! he said lots more after that & i too gave him my piece of mind.. then he says that it was a mistake from his side to initiate this relationship, & he is very very happy coz HE SAVED MY MARRIAGE, he said AM A FAMILY MAN, NEVER WANT TO BREAK SOMEONE’S MARRIAGE!! back to the drama that i had exited long back!! 😐 it was like someone twisted my arm that was already broken! i found myself hurting & crying after many many many days.. i was under the impression that there’s a limit to how many tears u can shed for one person & i have already crossed that limit, so now i wont cry for him, but he defeated me yesterday! hes a bloody narcissist & comes back only to make me feel more miserable.. he cant see me moving on but wants me to yearn & cry for him all the time.. he gets a kick by belittling me.. he showed no remorse, or for that matter even showed any empathy coz i had to go thru so much trauma.. its a fact that he never kept me anywhere in his list of priorities or for that matter gave me horrible treatment, but wat puts me totally off him is wen i almost lost my hubby, he cud only show anger for me being CARELESS… i cud hardly get any sleep last night n was bawling my eyes out. i blocked him on watsapp as i was unable to handle his derogatory remarks, to which he punished me by blocking me back!! He called me today mornin & i refused to answer his calls, to which he punished me by sending insulting texts 😐 m tormented by so much abuse & stress.. i thought i was over him nicely but he again managed to chop my head!! Wen is this gonna end??

    • J

      What a sick and selfish man! Stay away from him. You were doing so great with no contact. He’s obviously a narcissistic jerk. Only calling you to brag about himself and then insulting you for wanting to move on. Stay clear! Sorry for your tears

      • trish

        I have found out the hard way when we go back to them, it only give them the impression that what they are doing is okay and it is not. For me this time, I had no contact for 6months and I let his daughter talk me into going back to him, and guess what, it got worse and I feel even worse now. I’m trying my best to take it for what it is, especially since he has told me I can go about my business. I’m contacting him anymore and I sure he will never try to contact me, since he was never the one to initiate contact in the first place. Yes it does hurt and if ANYONE has a better way of getting through this, please share.,

    • Trish

      They are helping me too. I had no contact for a month now and his birthday is Friday. I’m just to the point I don’t care anymore. I thought his daughter was my friend but its not true. She’s friends with the other woman. I sometime sit back and wonder what type of people does this. Keep the faith every one.

  • Forever Waiting

    Hi all,

    I promised myself, when I felt ready, I’d return here. I first found this site last September 2016, and with the help of 3 special angels on here (in 3 different countries!) – I escaped.

    I wanted to return to help you all, as much as I can. I’ve only read a little bit as went to the old blog (I’m ForeverWaiting, you’ll have to go back to at least last November) – but as I was told, our stories are the same. Just different, states, counties, countries and people- all I will say is the same lie.

    Before I make this too long – I want to advise to the few most recent posts that say that have had NC (no contact) and it’s the hardest thing ever etcetc…. that it WILL be!. It WILL hurt, It will confuse, and it WILL take months- BUT, the longer you leave the break, the longer the affair will go on – the longer the real pain will continue.

    Now, just because my AM (attached, for 14 yrs, not married, no difference) didn’t leave, I wouldn’t say that yours won’t. But I must point out, and this is the first thing that triggered in my brain, we are told the same thing, are manipulated (nice men don’t manipulate) and decent people just don’t do this. I was also directed to various Narcissist sites. So, I read and read and educated myself- it was HARD, heartbreaking at first. As in our head, I’m I’m sure you all agree, we are in love, they love us like no other and it’s a horrible messy situation and we feel sorry for them being stuck yada yada. I promise you now, they are not. My ex AM used to cry, write me letters when I pulled away. I found them the other day (finally moved out the flat he partly paid for, he made sure I was financially dependent on him too, some blessings and circumstances meant I could move away from that) and read them realising EVERY SINGLE word was manipulation – and not the ‘love’ he expressed. I told all my friends he was my best friend, love of my life- 3.5 years down the line, and after reading all the Narcissist articles, I triggered his behavior, and realised that’s exactly what he was.

    And since then, the few times he tried to ‘hoover’ me – whether subtly (commenting on mutual friends comments on FB so he appeared, and 6 mths later emailing me when I wasn’t going to my flatmates leaving do as he found out I wasn’t going because of him – trying to persuade me to go as he wanted to ‘catch up’ – what the hell?!) that he ticked every single box!.

    And yep, almost a year since I last saw him…he still hasn’t left (4.5 yrs on….) – this is the guy who claimed to be incredibly unhappy and on the verge of going mad -well he has lasted very well! Lies.

    The problem is, they make us think THEY can’t live WITHOUT us – but I’m sorry to report, they can if they have to. They do, and they will, they are living without us everyday!
    And if you stop chasing, they won’t initiate, unless they know they can keep the affair going. Funny enough I was the last one to text him, but circumstances (we no longer work together, so he doesn’t stay pretending to be in a hotel and he lives 70 miles away) meant he couldn’t see me, so it’s like he gave up too- he couldn’t chase, as he couldn’t offer me anything, so what was he getting?. I was SHOCKED! I took 3 weeks stress leave from work after 2 months 80% to do with him. I had to also share my place with one of his closest friends (3 days a week), but however hard that was, it gave me financially freedom from the ex AM. Finally.

    1. They move goal posts constantly
    2. Each promise of leaving is broken, they need more time
    3. They are lying to you/us and the wife and their family
    4. If that unhappy, they’d leave regardless of if we are in their life (lack of money, kids or assets won’t stop them, millions of people do each year – they WILL find EXCUSES – these will go on for as long as you let them – don’t be the enabler)
    5. I realise now I was in FAR more pain when with him, than after a few months of not seeing him and ‘moving on’. Trust me, I preferred my new life, the freedom mentally!
    6. They will promise the world, and not deliver, ever.
    7. They will promise you’ll be the exception, the 2% of affairs that work out, lie.
    8. Love and respect come hand in hand, the MM/AM don’t possess either
    9. They still sleep with theirs wives, even I fell for that rubbish!

    So again, it WILL HURT. But one thing I found early on, when I was in and out of shock the first 3 months (and it was hard over Xmas, I had a new bf and he is wonderful, but it’s what the AM did to me that knocked me for six) that when dating, it was AMAZING to have a ‘love life’ on a weekend, I started to feel normal. I started dreading Monday mornings at work. I opened my eyes. I felt normal again. The women on here SAVED me. My angels.

    My ex bfs have all been emotionally, financially and unfortunately physically abusive, I’m still having nightmares about them (the ex AM caught me at a VERY vulnerable time, ring any bells?!) – I dislike him much more than any of my exes I would have a conversation with now, they were devoted to me – he wasn’t.

    It is VERY hard when you’re in it, I was exactly the same, but read read and do more reading. It’s so hard, when you realise they are snuggling up in bed with their wives (don’t believe otherwise, if they didn’t, the wife would think…..you guessed it, they’re having an affair – they do EVERYTHING to cover- both sides!)
    My ex AM even pretended they had no family evenings. I never ever looked on FB (I only joined again last year) but did have a snoop recently and it’s quite obvious they had/have a normal friend/family life however private his settings…not private enough – HA!.

    His claim for not leaving was they had a business, he was contracting, and he worked 24/7 to build the business up on the side, they’d lose their dream house blah blah if not. I believed him as the 2 nights a week he usually stayed, he was working, he worked hard. Now I realise he has always loved business and money, and has always had a few businesses on the go, and lots of money – it was NEVER to do with us, but his dreams he’d been chasing for 30 + years. I was enabling him to have his cake.

    I used to be so so jealous of his long term gf, I don’t even really know what she looks like, but like you all, we’re told their wives/gfs are the devil. I can say now that I do not believe that, and if they are now, these poor women were probably decent happy humans when they met these nasty men, and have been crushed into miserable sad girls. Just like they did and are doing with us.

    Google HG Tudor and Baggage Reclaim – lots of information, unfortunately applies to a good 95% of us, and please don’t do what I did – and think you’re the exception, because if on here, then chances are you’re not. It’s funny as the lies and bull is over everything, I showed him Baggage Reclaim (the lady that runs the site and blogs like Laurie on here, had an 18 month affair which went nowhere) and he said ‘she is just so so bitter her MM didn’t leave!’ he kept saying that, so I believed him.

    I was told to move on (that’s not what happened in the end, he felt me pulling away, we both left it…you know…after 3.5 years – that’s not a normal relatipnship but happens to all affairs that go nowhere!), so yes that hurts like CRAZY after waiting 3.5 years AND going through IVF, we were about to go through procedures for a baby!
    But if I was a man, he’d truly got me by the balls! And even after 6 months of not speaking to him, and him knowing I didn’t want to see him (I didnt want him to know that, was a colleagues big mouth, but he did me a favour!) he was STILL trying to hoover me. They have no respect, boundaries and will not care about your feelings – never have done.It’s ALL ABOUT THEM.

    I was very lucky and the first online date (after I went on 2 dates with a guy that had chased me for 8 years, but didn’t count that!) – we hit it off and he is the BEST thing that happened to me. So, I’d like to thank my ex AM – because of the timing. he lost his job, around that time my current bf (and hopefully last!) had finished his studies and returned home, been on a few dates, a few months later he emailed me. But even if I had been single all this time, after I got over the initial shock of the ex AM not being at work, then cancelling the IVF and also being used and blind (it is NOT our fault)….I am happier. But, so grateful with the timing….2 fingers up to the ex AM living a pathetic lie, whilst I’m in a pure relationship, just us 2, I forgot what that felt like! And, if it ends, I will date again, but single men. I’m no longer vulnerable and weak, and have learnt a lot. Thanks again cheating ex AM…probably sitting at home right now wondering where he can get his nice victim, using his ever so charming facade…..

    So, the pain will hurt and hurt and hurt – but I promise you (I was deep in, very, in my head we were married! he was mine! he didn’t even have a gf! thats how manipulative they are!) you’ll count the seconds you have NC, then the hours…then days of NC…then the weeks….EXPECT PAIN, but the pain is you HEALING. Like a bruise, it gets worse and hurts lots before it gets better…… then months….then you think ‘Oh, how many days?’ and can’t work it out but think ‘ah it’s been 4 months’.

    What happens in this time? SO much happens in life! Xmas, birthdays, you’ll be ill, friends will need you, stuff happens at work, lots if you have kids….suddenly time is being filled with other stuff. Real stuff. When you start feeling better – Date. I was terrified at first. My ex AM used to manipulate telling me my internet dating had got me nowhere over the years and I wouldn’t find anyone (i’m 38) and my time is running out – so cruel! But I agreed…it was QUICKER to wait! How crazy!

    And here I am now, about to text my loving bf, who has met my family and some of my friends, who has parents that adore me as I do them, this is all I’ve ever wanted, that the ex Am promised, and never delivered. And I’m so VERY VERY glad, because he is a nasty piece of work, 2 kids from 2 different women (nothing wrong with that, but they both seem to hate him, and now I know why, I must join their team – one is the current gf!) and I’d have ended up as unhappy as them. I was going mad towards the end. He wouldn’t even let me date, after a week of me chatting to guys online after 2.5 yrs…when he agreed, he realised how real it all was and went MAD one evening, absoutely crackers. He controlled every aspect of my life (and I mean every) – whilst he had a family at home and everyone around him, my family are all spread out and I’m new to the area….I remember so many of his comments, so ungrateful, so nasty…. but I always thought he was right.We look up to them- but they are complete messed up idiots- who wants a messed up idiot? not me! and not you.

    They are wrong, they lie – keep strong, the pain is a healing wound, the wound they have caused you! well before you went No Contact.

    Good luck and stay strong – I didn’t die without him and thought I would, I’m happier than ever and except for him trying to hoover me back in….I’m stronger now. It’s taken almost 11 months to get this far….so don’t expect overnight miracles, but do remember to love yourself, take each minute, hour and day as it comes, and it will get easier.

    Please ask me any questions, maybe number them and I will get back to you as soon as I can. sending healing hugs to you all xx

    • Samantha

      Such an inspiration, you are! Thank you!
      My 5 month rollercoaster affair with my MM (I’m also married) has pretty much ended this week. He asked his wife for a separation, I asked my husband for one, too, but we didn’t leave for each other, just were both sick and tired of being unhappy with our spouses. We never talked about leaving for one another. He’s still living in his house, I am living apart from my spouse. After this all went down, I suggested I give him space to figure things out, he didn’t want that. When I asked about seeing him again, his response was “I hope, but now she’s suspicious of everything so I have to be cool.” And the contact has dwindled, he’s not writing or calling like he used to, no little kiss and love emoticons, all formal and polite. I decided last night I can’t do and made today day 1 of NC. I unfollowed him on FB and Instagram. I just can’t do it anymore. He’s hot, he’s cold. It’s so unhealthy for me, and I’m a complete and utter wreck. I need to figure out whether to divorce my husband for good or make it work (don’t see that happening, not in love). But most of all, I need to heal myself.

      As the others have posted, if you are in an affair, get out. If you think you are interested in a MM, run the other way. They all suck.

      • Nomad

        Hi Sam, I am experiencing the same… (broke up after 13mths, jun & jul were lame NC)

        When I asked about seeing him again, his response was “better not, run out of excuse to stay out” it’s lame, it’s simply “no I prefer to avoid u and the shit of forcing me to decide to end or continue, I need a break or space from you, you are a turn off when you keep forcing a closure on me”

        Yes the contact has dwindled to near zero, he’s not writing or calling like he used to, all formal and polite. He’s used to being blocked and happy to do less chores of constant connection with me on daily basis and enjoying the peace.

        I too decided last night I can’t do and made today day 1 of NC, this ought to be the 100th times and never go beyond 7days of NC and he knows too well by now.

        I unfollowed him on FB long ago. He’s hot, he’s cold. But with each NC, his hot becomes Luke warm and had difficulty telling me he missed me. I’ll text “miss u” he’ll reply “m2” how miserable. He’s cold and with each nc, he can only gets colder, lost interest and even the only thing he’s deprived from which is sex. I’ve nothing to hold on to or offer to him to make him stay. He’s like declaring game over and he’s no longer blinded by lust or romance.

        we won’t divorce our spouse. But how can I stop thinkin abt him whenever I’m alone, and when I woke and when I lost sleep?!

        • Samantha

          Of course he’s written, and we’ve talked on the phone. I told him we should say goodbye. His daughter is an emotional wreck because she doesn’t want the parents to split. I get it. But the rollercoaster is hell. When I said we should say goodbye, his response is, I don’t want that, you don’t want that. I’m just going through a hard time. I said to him words I can’t get back – I left my husband because I’m in love with you. I didn’t expect any grand future, but those are the facts. His response was, OMG, don’t tell me that, my daughter, my daughter. He’ll never leave. I get that. I prob don’t want him forever anyway. But he’s so hot and cold. When I went out with my girlfriends and posted a pic on FB, I get the immediate message, have fun, you are f-ing gorgeous. Just to hook me. It’s insane. I love this man, and I hate him too. God help us all.

          • Trish

            It’s been almost 60 days of nc for me. Even though it’s hard as he.. I’m still trying. He will and never have made contact with me.. His daughter is coming in town this week. I thought we were friends but that changed a while ago. Matter of fact she friends with the other girlfriend and the wife on fb. When I changed my number, I GAVE IT TO KO ONE. I really have to get past this.

    • Lara

      Forever Waiting, what a treat to have someone who has walked thought the fire come and tell us all you survived. Thank you!! It is obvious you went through hell but you made it out and now you even have a new healthy and normal relationship: awesome!! Girl, you are an inspiration. So much of what you said is true. And I second: reading reading reading reading and using the HG Tudor site (narcsite.com) and Baggage Reclaim and whatever else you can find! Like you said, it often takes a very very long time for us to allow ourselves to see how duped we have been by married men (or women) who are in fact, master manipulators. We protect them and believe them and yet they lie lie lie. Yes they sleep with their wives (husbands) : of course they do! It is all a lie that they don’t. Otherwise the spouses would be “on to them”. And the “all about me” nature of the narcissist is really hard to comprehend at first because they are so good at playing the “victim” and we believe them! But one can do simple tests to find out if one is dealing with a narcissist. Simply try a few things and wait for the reaction and see! I found out all about mine this way. He is SUPER predictable actually. But I am no longer hooked in to him thankfully.

    • Trish

      Hi forever waiting. My mm left and got his own place. But made every excuse not to give back the key and parking pass. Even went as far as telling me gave back the parking pass but one week later had it back in his car. How did he get it back. We know the answer. So yes they so leave but never let go. So we still left suffering. It was worse the two months he moved than it was being with him. It has been 20 says of bcc and some days are better than others. You are right. They will never initate contact. I always ran behind him. Not no more.

  • J

    All I want is for my heart to heal from this pain. The non stop ups and downs from my mm are tearing me apart. Why can’t I have the strength to just walk away and end this pain. When it hurts so much like this I feel like the only thing that can fix it is him. But that’s such a vicious cycle since he’s the one causing the pain. My mm has done it to me again, once again I’m victim to his rollercoaster of emotions. He planned a day trip for us, we both took the day off to get away. We had a wonderful day together. The best time, doing activities and enjoying each other’s company, truly a great day, ending with intimate time together at a hotel that was great as usual. We parted ways, declaring our love, and made plans to meet later on. We meet and he decides this is the time to criticize me about something very ridiculous. I tell him he’s hurting my feelings and he says he doesn’t need this in his life and states he should just go back to his boring life without me. He quickly apologizes and said he didn’t mean any of it. I tell him that I think he started a fight to push me away after we had such a great day together and were so close. He says maybe that’s true and that he doesn’t know where we are going. He says the guilt is getting to him and maybe he should just stay in his platonic marriage afterall. I say if that’s what he wants then fine. I tell him I’m sick of him acting like I’m an option rather than an opportunity. I tell him to consider how he will feel if I remove myself as an option. He says he will ponder my words and we part ways. Now I haven’t heard from him all night and we normally message all night. It hurts me so bad that he can treat me like this after everything. But why am I surprised, look how he’s treating his wife? Should I just never speak to him again? I’m so afraid of being an utter fool tomorrow and begging him to talk to me. That will completely make me his doormat. Please help! Any advice or words would help. Not hearing from his tonight is giving me such anxiety.

    • Lara

      Oh dearest J, He is jerking you around! And you are still in the thick of it where you can still get so badly wounded. I feel for you! But you must take a step back from this to get some perspective. This criticizing you after you had such a nice time is a RED FLAG. Your MM is all over the place and you are in the middle where you can get really emotionally hurt! The fact that he even dares say things like “he doesn’t need this in his life and he should just go back to his boring life without me” should tell you what he is capable of. Those words are mean and cutting. Have you been to the site Baggage Reclaim? You might want to check it out. Also narcsite.com where you can learn about narcissists from a narcissist himself! Perhaps you are dealing with a narc? It is time to take some steps to protect YOU. This man has you spinning in pain and sounds no good (at least to me). Sending hugs, L.

      • J

        Lara, Thank you for responding. It really helps just reading your words, I know I’m not crazy and it’s not just me. I haven’t checked out those sites, but I definitely will. you mentioned it was a red flag when he criticized me after having such a nice day, what do you think it’s a red flag of, being a narcissist? He said I’m being overly sensitive. Sure, it’s always my fault. Then he acts all sad and says things that are self deprecating about himself. Feels like he’s now painting himself as this poor victim and wants pity. I told him he has severe mood swings. It’s funny because I never saw these mood swings over a year ago when this began. He was so sweet, happy, and charming. The happiest guy I had ever met. It attracted me to him, I loved his spirit. I asked why he’s not like that anymore, he said this situation is too much for him and starts saying it’s not right morally. Well why did he pursue me so aggressively? Believe me, I tried so hard to push him away, over and over. He just kept at me, appearing and doing favors for me. I thought he was the sweetest guy in the world. If I said I needed a new fan, he’d appear with a new fan, if I was looking for an obscure book, he’d find it, if I didn’t have time to pick up laundry, he’d get it. He was so accommodating. He told me the nicest and sweetest things. He swore it wasn’t just to have a physical relationship with me, he said it was the real deal and he fell in love with me. I’m realizing now those were all ways to pull me in. So sad. Yesterday he told me, after sex, that he doesn’t know if he can continue because of his extreme guilt. I said why did you just have sex with me then. He said he can’t resist me. Then said maybe he needs to be home more and work on his marriage again. But we still made plans to meet later on at the gym. I told him I had a very bad migraine. I shut my phone and didn’t communicate with him all day. He texted me 23 times saying he was going crazy. Thoughts?

  • Margo

    The truth is, at least my truth is you can’t do it alone. You can’t just up and stop thinking about someone you have built up in your mind. I say the mind bc the heart just does whatever it wants. You have to take active steps to self-preserve. You have to deny yourself the fantasy. Every time a thought that you shouldn’t have comes to mind, being the thought back to reality. For example if you pictured you and him having a picnic, just before you start getting all descriptive, interrupt yourself! Tell yourself I will not make up stories, I will not try to make something out of nothing. Furthermore, tell yourself that you are happy you can still experience emotions for another human being and let it be your little secret. Why should someone who doesn’t want you get the best of you. And I think when we treat ourselves with honest kindness we accomplish more for our emotional well being than silly nilly fantasies that serve only to keep us stuck.

    Being single isn’t the worst thing that can happen, losing at love isn’t the biggest tragedy that can occur. I think the biggest loss one can experience is never knowing that God is bigger than all our problems. He has a unique purpose for each individual. Be happy that you have the space and time to think of more worthy causes. The pain is real but God’s love shields me from the scars.

    • Lara

      Margo this soooo inspiring. Thank you for your words!! I am “drinking your words up” Yes I am! Hugs to all of you ladies and men on this board! xxxx Lara

    • Lara

      Margo, Thank you so much for these words! I am drinking them up and nodding my head in agreement. I especially love, “You have to take active steps to self-preserve. You have to deny yourself the fantasy.” This is so very true. Taking active steps means the OPPOSITE of reacting. And reacting is what I did for years with my MM. He would act then I would react. Now I have taken active steps finally to love and protect myself. If he had truly cared about me this would have pleased him. But instead I have been “discarded” because I am no longer singing HIS praises. It takes some getting used to being active not reactive. But in this situation no one else can take care of me but me! A hard but necessary lesson.

  • AC

    Hi my fellow ladies.
    Just wondering if there are any of you who have a baby
    with a married man?

    How did you cope up?

    Hope I get a response. ☹️

  • Lara

    I am updating my progress as I am moving farther and farther away from my affair. Today I am asking myself: “Why did I ever want any man who already had a woman?” I know this sounds strange but the farther out I get from my MM and the more I see him with his wife in my neighborhood “playing happily married” (or whatever it is he/they are doing) I wonder this question. Why would I want THAT man? He already has someone! Before I ever got into this mess, attached men had never turned me on. I had never wanted to be a third wheel in someone’s relationship. But I met this MM at a HIGHLY vulnerable time for me and I fell for him and his stories and his victimization hook, line, and sinker. My own marriage was ending and my life was a mess and I had two young sons and I was so vulnerable and so angry too. I think I was angry enough at the institution of marriage that I did not care if I got involved with a MM who also said he was fed up with marriage. We became “outlaws” together….we went “outside of marriage” and I found this very thrilling! Of course the sex was great together; how could it not be? It was forbidden, always on the fly, always hiding from people, always so damn”exciting”!! This state of mind helped me to to get duped by the MM, plain and simple. And totally addicted to the relationship too. But he never ever was going to leave his wife. And I do think he knew this from the start. Now I am looking at him for the first time in many years and feeling no attraction anymore. This is brand new because I was ALWAYS so attracted to him through all the ups and downs in our time “together”…..Now all I can see is the woman already attached to him. He turns me off me now because I finally realize he is such a pathetic liar and all his bravado is a facade. He is a true narcissist who desperately needed me to “build him up” but in fact he had no true interest in my life whatsoever. I say this calmly as so many tears have passed, so much rage has passed, now I am left with the God’s honest truth and there is nothing I can do to change it. I too am part of the mess is what I can see. I was in the affair too. Now I must start to forgive myself, then forgive him and forgive her and so on…..until this is just an ocean away from my present life. I am asking each day for help from God (a.k.a. my Higher Power) to “show me a better way” to live. Because I was so caught in the utter excitement and intoxication of this affair for so long.

    • J

      Lara, sounds like you’re on the right path. Sometimes distance and time really puts things in perspective. It was something that happened, but it certainly doesn’t define who you are or your future.

    • ForeverWaiting

      Lara, that is a beautiful read! I just posted as ‘ForeverWaiting’ – and so much of what you said I was saying 6 months ago.

      I don’t even ask questions why I ended up with him, except yes i was vulnerable, and all the things you mention (amazing sex, time together etc) was the same for me….they tell you that’s how it’ll be when together properly – no way, that’s not natural. But being narcissists (so very glad you mentioned that word), it’s the golden period they love to keep going.

      It will be an ocean away from you current life very soon, you sound in a good place (I haven’t read your other posts, just the above) and you’re on the right track.Be proud, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I was in a nasty messy relationship and the ex AM swooped in 4.5 years ago…I left my ex for him, knowing I’d have to wait a little while, not another 2.5 years! But all lies. Just remember to all, none of this is your fault, we are highly emphatic people and the ex MM/AM’s toy with our beautiful spirits when we are at our lowest. It’s all timing, and now is the time for good things, pure things. Wishing you lots of luck, keep healing, you’ve left the disease behind, to live his messed up, impure and very very sad life – it’s a horrific existence for them, almost pointless. Best wishes.

      • Lara

        Thank you Forever waiting! What is an AM? I somehow missed that abbreviation 🙂 I am so sorry to hear your story. Leaving your ex shows how much faith you had in your MM and I can truly relate. And YES all narcissists find empathic people! It is an unfortunate magnetic attraction and it is the empath who always gets so badly wounded (at least initially). But in the end the miserable narcissist stays miserable because ultimately no one can ever live up to their impossible standards to provide constant “fuel” for them. It is so sad this has to play out in the love and sex arena where empaths, in particular, can be so naive and so full of of “true belief” in the “power of love” to change all things. Now I know that for “love” to change all things it has to be mutually felt and mutually experienced, something a narcissist can never do, sadly.
        For me this has been one of the hardest things in my life too, realizing the truth, and finally leaving my MM for good. But each day new and wonderful things happen to me along this path, and I know life can be good and plentiful and full of joy if I just let it! Sending courage to all of you, L.

  • J

    My mom has told me from the very beginning, as he pursued me relentlessly, that he does not dislike his wife. He doesn’t hate her or fight with her. In fact he says she’s a very nice person, but he feels nothing for her except the love of a good friend. He also complains that she has no motivation to do anything, is very unhealthy and over weight, and she’s not very smart. It’s so confusing to me. How will he ever leave his good friend? Lately he’s been saying that the stress of our situation is getting to him and making him feel dizzy. Is this just his way of having an out from me? Like he might say we should end things because the stress is taking a toll on his physical well being. I’m getting very tired of being told I’m causing all his stress. He also said the devil doesn’t rest in terms of his persistent attraction to me. So now I’m the devil?! Any input would help.

    • Trish

      Hi j. It’s another way for him to keep you stringing along and at the same time making himself feel good about his dysfunctional behavior. Its always going to be your fault. I heard the you stressing me out and your bad attitude story for years.

    • Lara

      Awww J…..to me, a man who does not dislike his wife has no reason whatsoever to divorce her! ESPECIALLY if he has an interesting and passionate lover on the side. He has no reason to leave his “good friend” if he can spare this person all the pain of leaving her by having an attractive, sexy healthy woman ON THE SIDE IN SECRET who also is in love with him!! This man can have his cake and eat it too for as long as you provide him with all that.
      As for you be the “devil” PUH LEASE! LOL! He is just trying to project “devil” onto you so he can justify his own actions to himself. If he wants to see a devil, tell him to look in the damn mirror! LOL He does not need to project that on you but it is sooooo common with MM’s. We the mistresses are the “devils”; they are the enchanted bewitched innocent victims who are / were “unable to help themselves” Don’t beleive that crap for a minute! My former MM once told me he had a tarot reading and the reader told him the following: “You have two women in your life. One is good for you. And one is not good for you.” I went crazy thinking I was the latter woman and he let me think I was the bad one too! Then I realized he could have made the whole thing up OR that I could actually be the one who was good for him and his wife the one who was bad for him! (I was always encouraging him in his career and his life much more than she ever did). Anyhow these just are the typical manifestations of triangulation and triangulated relationships and your MM is just trying to ease his own guilty conscience by dumping the “jezebel/devil” thing on you for his own emotional convenience. Always remember most of these MM’s are emotionally lazy and have no conflict resolution skills or emotional maturity. That is why they are cheating in the first place…because they do not see any other way out of their pain. And we women make it MUCH easier for them when we play right into their hands and let them have a a brand new relationship OUTSIDE the primary one instead of insisting they resolve the primary relationship first.

  • Nadine

    Hi guys. So it’s been 2 weeks NC and I miss him more now more than ever and he’s on my mind 24 hours a day. I wake up thinking of him, i constantly wake up in the middle of the night thinking of him (i used to be the best sleeper ever). I see things all around me that remind me of him. I thought it gets easier, not worse. I try keep busy but it doesn’t help. I feel I’m going insane and this pain will never end. I never got closure, there was no fight, no lets end it. The last text i got was that he cant stop thinking of me….well i guess he has!!!!Thank you to you all for your stories. Everytime I want to contact him, I come read the comments on here.

    • Trish

      Hi Nadine, I feel your pain. My last message was I love you. And when I tried to call him back, he never answered. That was on a Saturday. I changed my number that Sunday and have not called him since. I came in one morning town. And see that he called me from his job number. He used to me calling if I seen the number. Since he left no message, I never called. That’s his way of saying he tried. At this point, what ever makes him fella good about his self is fine with me.

      • nadine

        Hi Nomad. One month NC and was very proud of myself but I obsessed every day, hour, minute if he was thinking of me. I got no sleep and had to take time off work because I couldnt concentrate. It got worse instead of getting better. I tried some suggestions on this blog – think of something else, pray, meditate, going out with friends – nothing worked and the more I try to forget the more I cant. I feel like I was reaching breaking point so on Friday I tried to phone him (he always has initiated communication, this is the first time EVER I contacted him first) He never answered and then 5 minutes later my phone died. He sent me emails, messages and tried to phone a million times (he thought something was wrong) I messaged him back saying my phone had died. He said sorry I was actually meaning to phone and see how you doing but been busy. Never replied to him. Here I am thinking I am having a nervous breakdown – constantly crying and obsessing about him and all I get is “ive been busy” Well Nomad dont be hard on yourself. As of tomorrow lets you and I forget about the past and start NC from scratch. Lets see who can last the longest LOL 🙂 Im going to try not be hard on myself and try this NC again. We can do it. Surely we are strong, smart women? Our MM’s definitely dont deserve for our thoughts to be consumed about them while they too “busy” for us. Lets not let these A**holes rule our lives. We can do this Nomad – are you in? Sending you lots of hugs. Know that you are not alone XXX

        • ForeverWaiting

          Hi Nadine,

          Been meaning to reply to lots on herr but only just getting a chance.

          Just sone quick advice, easiest way to grt through it is to ACCEPT he will be on your mind 24/7, it’s normal! Forget people saying ‘forget him and move on’ or if you have told yourself that, but it’s all fresh and you’ll think of him for months. If you can accept it’s natural to non stop think about him and everything you’ve been through, the faster you’ll stop. These thoughts have to leave you in time on their own accord.

          Now, keep thinking of him of that’s what you’re and I’d expect that – but now turn each thought into an analysis of the situation. Each time you think ‘I can’t stop thinking about him and wonder if he thinks about me/misses me etc’ – stop there and think ‘but he is not free, it is not relevant if he misses me or not, as he won’t be with me full time so it means nothing’.

          After almost 11 months I have days where I’m consuumed with the ‘does he miss me? does he try and see what I’m up too? was he really goong to leave?’ – despite me being in love and very very happy with my bf of 9 months! because it’s what they have done to us, messed with our emotions.

          So I let myself think; then I remember all thr times he was a nasty narcissist, and I then smile and beam because I realise what a lucky escape I had; and his poor partner is still stuck with a filthy lying manipulative self consuming ass! I do not care for him, but sometimes go into shock over what he did.

          So keep thinking, as in time, you will have new stuff going on in your life and you will not have as much brain space! They are not our boyfriends, that’s why we are discarded as soon as we go NC – we are merely enablers who fees them the fuel they require – as soon as that stops (us going NC) – they go quiet…..

          Hugs to you all xx

          • Trish

            Thank you for This. It is so easy for them to move on and be with someone else. I think that is what hurts the most. I know for me it is. I wonder if I ever mattered at all

          • Nadine

            Thank you Forever Waiting. Have kept a copy of your reply and will read over and over again to let myself know its ok to grieve. I just cant get over how cruel people are and to know I got sucked into his dysfunctional and unhappy life makes me so made. It’s so hard as I not only mourn for our relationship but I miss the fun happy-go-lucky and strong girl i used to be. How did things get so twisted!!!! Thank you to all you gals for the support. I’m dying to know how Nomad is doing. HUUUGS XXX

        • Nomad

          Hi Nadine,
          Busy is an excuse. When he’s not busy, he’s guilty and living in fear of being found out and wreck his marriage. When there’s a will, there’s a way. If we are important, they will thank god when we called (I’m always the one who tried to end it, push him away, return to reality though I kept failing; he’s always the one coming after and now, after 2 months of lame NC, he lost interest and ran out of fuel, decided not worth the risk)

          Last fri, bumped into him in office, I must he possessed by demon to ask him to meet after work and was rejected! Decided to be faithful to his wife? Avoiding me at all cost?
          After total zero contact over wkends, I was affected when I returned to office on mon to find no emails and no missed call from him (I blocked his mobile so lame NC was through few words email like “unblock me” or “how’s work how’s your wkend” or calls at my desk). Today (tue) was NC day 4 but it was reset!!! Why?! I was actually delighted when I saw missed call from him when I reached office! He rang twice but i didn’t answer. I must not suck back to the vicious cycle and accede to his motive of quick fix to feed his addiction if there’s any left. Suddenly, he appeared at my desk! As there were others ard, he signaled me to unblock him, again I failed to ignore him or hold back, we had eye contact and chatted for few minutes and he left. As usual, I was left behind feeling angry for resetting the NC though I didn’t iniate; feeling the pain of seeing him moved on, forsaken me while I’m still stuck. We lost the connection, i forgot how we could text each other daily and throughout the day in the early days when the attraction was building up. I should be happy now that i am sober, awaken from the fantasy, get real that my only choice to live is to keep leaving until he’s sick being ignored.

          He’s greedy and selfish. I’m angry that I am the enabler!

        • Nomad

          Hi Nadine,
          I’ve reset NC for past 2 days because I’ve grown to be addicted to his call at my work desk. It’s ridiculous how my heart would plunge if there’s no missed call or it wasn’t him when the phone rang; how lit up I was when I saw his no. flashing on my phone. So past 2 days we spoke on phone, each time abt an hour. He told me he missed me and wanted to continue in a milder way though he couldn’t spell out the details the definition of milder way. He accepted that I’m his fantasy and in reality he has to work to survive, family to go back to. We never promise each other anything, we will not risk our marriage, we know there’s no forever, I’m always the one wanted to end but failed the hundredth times. I’m tired… I tried hard to force NC… I screamed at him to fuck off, channel my anger to the force behind NC which ended up lame after every few days, then I used soft approach whereby I plead n explain to him how he’s making things difficult for me to move on and why he should be thankful that I’m helping us to live guilt free and fearlessly. I can only say that he’s greedy and selfish. He’s still coming back after 2 mths of lame nc simply because it is not exposed yet. He will forsake me if we are found out. All these overruled my heart whenever he’s out of sight (never out of mind), I could be righteously rational, forcing myself to let go n move on. Blocking him becoming a habit and I liked to be in control. But, I cave in whenever he showed up at my work place or I heard his voice whenever he rang me. On good days, I could ignore the ringing phone but this WK I was dying to know that he would still call! I’m doomed isn’t it?! I even acted cool and rational telling him not to be vulnerable, I’m not interested to know the details how much he missed or fantasized or desired me. I told him my aim my deadline to move on before history repeats this year end (his overseas hol in nov and clearing leave all for family to make up to them in dec and meanwhile i was living in hell, wasting days and nights for him to return to me, it was hellish and unbearable being abandoned). He said it’s very hard not to contact me or see me in a loving light. He asked me why can’t I just surrender myself to the moment, why can’t I just listen to my heart, why can we stay simply in love and fulfill each other’s emotional and biological needs. Why do I have to keep ending us, denying my heart. I know it’s all BS and he’ll forsake me abandon me if we are found out. Men are practical and rational.

          So here I am, resetting NC 2x this WK, feeling myself caving in after his sweet talk. After I left office, senses knocked into me, I forgive myself and blocked him again and told him I’ve decided not to meet him for dinner and stolen moments.

          The saddest or maddening moments are when I reach office the next day and obsessively waiting for him to call my desk. If he didn’t, I couldn’t focus at work. Yes I’m settling for crumbs pathetically. my mind and my heart are at war again. Trying hard to remember those darkest moments of crying and hating and waiting, tormented by anxiety, insecurities, insomnia, jealousy, guilt, how he would go missing after office hours, how unbearable those long wkends and festive seasons and counting hours while he went for 1wk hol last nov, where were those haunting memories?! I’m actually swayed by him yet I m hating myself for wasting 2 mths of lame NC, I’m feeling so drained that I’m getting nowhere, zero breakthrough! I really need him to cooperate in order to successfully move on.

          It’s been a while since I lost sleep and now I m wide awake at 2am because I’m tempted to follow my heart 😞

  • Trish

    Hi ladies, let me tell you my story. I have been in a on again off again relation with a mm for 9 years. However, he was not married when we met, he got married 5 years after. Of course by then I’m in love and emotionally attach and could not let go. The affair continued on and off for another 4 years. Well, his wife new about me and I knew about her. The funny part is whenever we broke up, I always was the one calling and going after him. Finally April the 28th of this year, he moved out and got his own apartment and gave me keys. We all know if someone takes these extreme measures, they must really want to be with you. Well, that is what they want you to think but not necessarily true. He kept his wife’s parking pass and door key, using the excuse he had to go back to get his things. Now we all now when they are with their wives they can not answer the phone, ok. But what is the excuse after they leave? His behavior got worse and he seemed so miserable. So, anyway, one day he left me a message saying he was going to get more cloths. When he get’ done my house, I looked in is car window and asked, where is your parking pass? He says, I left it there. I asked what about the key? he says he still have things to get. A few days later, he disappears for an hour and a half and never answers his phone. we have a falling out, he never calls. On Monday, I goes to his job and asked This is how you want it? He tells me, you can go about your business, I’m tired. He repeated this three times. We get to his car and I seen the parking pass and said something. He says oh, I knew you would pop up so I put it there. You talking about being humiliated. I drove off. He tried calling for three days, just to say he called. One day he called my desk phone knowing I was not there so I can see the number. One time he called and left a message he loves me. When I tried calling back, he never answered. I changed my number and never heard from him again and never tried contacting him again. So yes he moved but never left. Yes, I’m hurt but because of the past history, wasn’t shocked. When we did talked before I changed my number he tells me I misunderstood what he was saying. Really. We both speak and interpret English. His daughter always was the one getting us back together and she does not have my number either. Last year when we broke up, he started seeing someone on the job where we met and I supervised. He said to pay me back. Nothing good comes out of an affair and it took me 9 years to let go. But I will not go back again. It painful and each time get’s worse. I can go on and on but I’m not.

  • Pat

    Hi All, I am still dealing with my MM but I am going on a “love yourself” challenge. Where each day for the next 7 days I will purposfully focus on my positive characteristics/strengths and do some things for myself. I do not take very good care of myself. I take care of my children, my home,my work place, my friends, my family, my MM and people I dont even know. Well I think i may have lost focus of who I am, what I want and how to get it. Therefore, I have allowed myself to take the back seat…I am hoping to regain my strength and lift myself up so that i can let go. I plan to focus on something different week after week. I honestly think we ALL need to love ourselves enough to know we want to hurt like this. I will check back in later! Keep writing ladies/gentleman

  • Lara

    Update: Hi ladies I want to update as I am making real progress this week. I am feeling happier and happier away from the hell that has been my long-term on again off again affair, I swear. Each day I see evidence that I did the right thing by ending it in so many ways big and small. I do keep seeing him visually because he works half the week here next to my house. He has not changed at all. But I have! I feel stronger knowing I am not part of his pathetic lie to his wife. I feel stronger knowing I deserve a whole man not a tenth of a man. I feels stronger knowing that I am starting to smile even though this ordeal has been so excruciating for so long. I feel so much closer to my Higher Power and I feel no more shame in my body all the time. Be forewarned: It takes a LOT of very hard work to get out of one of these relationships. Affairs are deceptive. They are hard as HELL to get out of! Because they are secret relationships we can not rely on, the usual support systems of our friends and families. But if you are in one. please please get do whatever you can and get out for your own sake! Affairs will suck the life and joy and health right out of you.
    As for the MM, he looks pretty awful. He was laid off from a job where he thought he was the “best ever” and now he is stuck back here in a restaurant where he hates to work. He is doing nothing but playing poker all day with a real loser buddy of his. This is the same MM I saw hand in hand with his wife not too long ago on my block. That image is seared into my brain now forever. It was a “gift” for me actually. Now every time I have a little bit of sympathy for him or feel sorry for him all I do is say to myself, “Let his wife handle this. This is no longer my problem! I have my own things to do” Really. His wife can have him. I offered myself body and soul to this man for years and listened to all his problems and put him on a pedestal for years and believed all of his BS, blah blah blah and what did he do for me in return? He treated me like absolute dirt for years. He walked hand in hand with his wife on my street! I really do not care anymore if he is a mess in fact. Karma is a bitch, evidently. I am moving ON and FORWARD baby! Away I go!

    • J

      So great to hear! Your mm seems so passive aggressive just sitting outside near your house. I’m sure in his demented way he loves being able to keep tabs on you next door. What an asshole walking hand in hand with his wife in front of you. He knew you’d see him. Why in the world would he have to do that in front of your house? If he wanted to hold hands he could do it elsewhere. He was obviously trying to upset you. How about if you go on a date and bring some guy to your house. Let him see that. He should feel the same pain you’ve had to feel. I’m glad you’re dealing with things so well. Best wishes for continued success.

      • Lara

        J thank you so much for your support! I really appreciate it. From everything I have now read and learned I have finally stopped denying to myself that my ex MM is a very typical narcissist and these attempts at getting me pissed off are called “hoovers,” I had him on such a pedestal for so long that I could not see the truth. I am truly what you would call an “empath” and narcissists and empaths attract like magnets to each other! Sigh. Beware ladies and men!! And the relationship does not end in the narcissist’s warped mind EVER until someone dies. What a mess I got myself into. But I am moving FORWARD!

  • Nomad

    I’m in a situation of lame NC. He would use other means to call me (each time I’ll block a new no.) once a week and disappear for 6-7 days including wkends. That’s the pattern I’ve observed for past 1month. 6-7 is the record of my NC since I ended because he said his fear, guilt & work stress were eating him up. He had no mood for romance and I had sunk to the bottom of his long list of priorities. I hit rock bottom, lost myself, couldn’t function but I wanted to quit the addiction. He gave me no reasons to hold on. He felt horrible to cheat and harm innocent pple. It’s always his pple who are innocent, never mine.

    So last wk he must have started to miss me. I didn’t take his call, avoided eye contact when he would appear at my work desk. I was getting better each day I think, I could sleep and work. 2 nights ago I answered a foreign no and it was him. I reminded him what he knew – we couldn’t b platonic, stop texting & asking me how’s my wkend, how’s my work, where am I, good morning etc, stop calling me out of boredom, convenience, habit. I’m not a quick fix when he’s horny. He said I put him off when he was calling me simply because he missed me, still loved me, I’m still his baby, not because he’s free. He wanted to hear my voice and know how I’ve been. I went weak.. feelings started to stir… but also angry that he didn’t initiate anything more than a phone call, for what?! What are we now?

    After the conversation, I didn’t block that no and was actually hoping he would pursue and I might surrender. But the next day, he was gone again. I blocked that no., that last Chance gave him. Today I’ve reset NC to day 1. Let’s see if I could break record to day 8. It is very tough but I HATE the way he would starve me for a week and return to throw me some breadcrumbs, the mixed signals are more agonizing than healing from the heartache & pain in the past 13 months.

    • Angie

      Nomad, atleast ur mm makes effortss to reach out to u.. he does everythin possible to contact u wen u cut off with him, means he doesnt want to lose u. The reason i had problem with my ex mm and most of the women here hav problms is coz of mm ghosting us n bein too busy to talk.. weneva i used to tel mm that its over between us he wudnt even reply to my msgs, forget abt tryin to reconcile.. he hasnt reached out to me ever since we ended it knowin that my marriage has turned rocky & hubby has turned abusive coz of him..

      • Trish

        Hi . my mm did the same to me. I left him and he never called. I used to run back to him every time we split. He never came running after me. He finally move on April from his wife. But did you really when you keep the key and parking pass. No. The day he told me I could go about my business, the same parking pass he said he gave back re appeared. He says it was to pay me back. What a a..hole. I waited for this man for 9 years.

        • Samantha

          My MM decided this week to leave his wife. It’s not for me; he’s been unhappy for so long. They have teenage daughters at home. It’s a mess right now. I’m in the process of leaving my husband, again, not for him, per se. We leave 5 hrs away from one another, met at our vacation homes. We see each other once a month but are emotionally attached and communicate every day. I told him that I’ll give him his space as he figures all of this mess out with visitation, separation, assets, etc. I need to do the same on my end. He didn’t say he wants the space and didn’t ask for it, didn’t necessarily agree to it, but I am giving it to him. The wife said he’s prob found someone, so he has to tread carefully now. I’m an emotional basket case. Never in a million years did I think this would happen to us when we started this 5 months ago. We have NEVER talked about leaving our spouses. I don’t want to cry at work, but I’m just fighting so many emotions!!!

  • Feeling Lost

    Saturday will be 90 days since I’ve heard from him. Two months prior to the split, he told me we’d never stop being together. We had been together for 9 years. His wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and he said that it brought things into perspective for him.

    My pain is still as real as the first day, although some days are better than others. I even dream about him, which I never used to do. I’ve read so many things that have said when you’ve been with someone as long as we were together, it can take many years to recover from the breakup. God, I hope not….I can’t fathom feeling this way for years.

    I was scrolling through Facebook the other day and saw a picture that he was tagged in with a mutual guy friend of ours (we are no longer friends on social media). He looked like he has aged so much over the past few months. I know everything has taken a toll on him. Seeing the picture tore a hole through my heart again.

    I still wonder every day if I will ever hear from him again or if we will ever be together again although I try so hard to tell myself it’s over. He was my best friend. We did so much together and with friends (who didn’t know about our relationship). Went out to eat, test drove cars, went to the gun range together, hung out with friends for drinks, shopping…we had so much fun together and now it’s over. We had our issues just like everyone else and at times it was very painful. But I have to say, this pain far exceeds any other pain I’ve had throughout the relationship.

    If anyone is just starting out in an affair, my advice to you is to get out now. Get out before you fall in love and your heart gets torn to shreds. I pray for a better day tomorrow.

    • VickiP

      I feel like I am reading my own story. Every word. I am at 7 years. I feel your pain. I am sorry for you and for all of us.
      I wish I could give you a hug.
      Every day is a struggle. Some are better. Some are soooo bad.
      He has hurt me. He has lied. He has promised we would be together. He never comes through. And yet, I wish he would call. I wish we could be together.
      There are days I question my sanity.
      I’m so sorry for your pain.

      • Trish

        I feel the same way Vicki. I was in for 9 years. I will he would call but I don’t have the energy for the blame everything on me game and not taking responsibility for nothing. it does hurt. I still have sleepless nights. However, I have to realize that I was alone while I was with him. I gave him nice gifts on all occasions, and when I turned 50 this year, I didn’t even get a happy birthday. He says he never cheated on me. Well getting married after being together for 5 years, to me is cheating. The lies just never stops and it was all about him.

        • VixkiP

          I am so sorry for anyone that feels the emptiness I feel. I’m so sorry for all the years I spent hoping and wishing he would leave and believing the promises. I still love him. Even now one week after he told me it’s all going to be over with his wife and he hasn’t called me. I still love him and wish he would come through.
          What does that say about me? That they can treat us like this and we still believe?
          Right now i am hurting and I can feel the anxiety building up. I have been doing more praying and trying. To keep busy. But it’s a hard hard road. My only advise is to say stay away to anyone even thinking of going into relationship like this.

          • Feeling Lost

            VickiP and Trish,

            Today makes 90 days since I’ve heard from him. I really don’t know what makes us try to hang on so tight when we’ve all been treated so poorly. I’ve heard it all as well…everything is my fault, all the mind games, everything. The problem is that we keep hanging on, trying not to let go, but they’ve really been gone long before now.

            I’m trying so desperately to move on. Although I’m uncertain as to whether he’ll ever come back, I’m trying to prepare myself for what I’ll say if he does. I’m hoping to be strong enough to say “NO” if he says he’s made a mistake because we all know that it would only be a restart to the same roller coaster we’ve been on for years.

            I never wanted him or asked him to leave his family. So, I was never a threat to him in any way. But I’m beginning to realize that he’s always been a threat to me…to my strength, my self worth, my health, and my sanity. No matter how hard we feel this is, we all need to find the strength to walk completely away for good.

            I have to say that finding all of you on this forum, including Kevin, has helped me more than any of you will ever know. You, my counselor, my friend who knows, and mostly God have helped me to start healing. I know it will be a long, hard process, but I am now seeing how strong I really am. I will be okay!!! We will all be okay!!!

    • J

      Feeling lost, I can really relate. My mm’s wife was diagnosed with breast cancer too. But he assured me we’d still be together. Says he’s supporting her and seeing her through this, but he can’t live without me. But sometimes he starts feeling guilty and I feel him pushing me away. When he does that, I push him away too and then he gets upset. I start ignoring him and making myself unavailable to him, and I think it scares him. Watching him care for her after her lumpectomy has been so hard and has really made me feel so guilty myself. He’s my best friend too, we do so much together and talk all day. But my situation has only been going on a little over a year. I can’t imagine how you’ve gotten through 9 years?! I think I should end things now before it gets worse. I don’t believe he will ever leave her.

      • Feeling Lost

        J, I just saw your post. I just posted a new comment in reply to VickiP and Trish. It is for you too. It’s for everyone here. I’m sorry you are hurting as well. We all have to find the strength to let go and find ourselves again. The pain does get better, a little each day. Some days though it almost seems unbearable. But we have to keep pushing forward every day and find all the strength we have to not look back again. We all have that strength within us. Best of luck to you.

        • Trish

          Than you. You are right
          We have to keep moving on and it will get better. It’s hard though especially done you put so much time and effort into something that was never going to be. Now that’s painful. All I can say is they do feel the pain we do because they still have some else and we are alone. However, I can say since I was the only one doing the chasing, I will not be doing it again. That’s one RAT that can get away…hang in there everyone.

  • Lisa

    Could it be ladies, that the reason married men cheat, (regardless of the feww and faaar in between that end up truely falling in love w/mistress or not) IS ULTIMATELY FOR SEX?
    I mean theyre married. They dont have free time or the ability to court someone they may or may not get to have sex with.
    Its a double edge sword for us on this blog…just saying

  • Clair

    So just got done texting with him. I guess it was mutual but it’s over. I’m very emotional and upset right now. I get the point in stopping before everyone gets hurt but it still hurts me. This was a two year relationship and even though we’re both married it still was a relationship. We’ve done this before and every time I swear this is it so honestly I don’t know for sure if this is it. I know it needs to be. He will text me eventually to ask how I am so I guess that will be the test. I’m mad at myself for getting myself in the situation in the first place. I’ve been so selfish. I’m a mother and wife and I need to start being that.any encouragement would be great. I do know he’s just as hurt as me and that makes me sad to.

  • Pat

    Hey Everyone! I have not been on here in a while and it looks like I have a lot of reading to do in order to catch. I can see that we have a man on this forum…interesting! I think the last time I was on the site. I was suppose to try NC but it did not last long. I can go a few days without contacting him but he calls me everyday some times 2-3 times a day. If I do not amswer he calls back in 5 mins. It is challenging for me to ignore him. It has been about 7 months. We have not told each other that we love each other. Again, as I have said in many of my past posts…I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM FALLING IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSES HUSBAND! This is the first time I have been in a situation like this and I like him a lot. It is almost like he knows exactly how to keep me in to him even if we dont see each other all the time. He makes sure we dont lose communication with one another for too long. I joined eharmony with hopes of actually meeting men that are available. He is the only man I am currently seeing and the longer this goes on the more attached I become. I felt like a crazy person the other night. I was thinking about how he could possibly be cheating on me too. I said this to one of my close friends and we both laughed at how crazy it sound. She said well in case you forgot he is cheating with you soooooo ummmmmm just think about that for a second. Although he does not belong to me. I have weirdly accepted the fact that he has a wife and he is probably not going to leave her and if he did him and I could not be together because I would not be able to live with myself…anyway, i know he may fool around with her but I was upset at the thought of him having another lady on the side. I mean I just cannot even understand how I am thinking about any of this stuff for a man that will never belong to me. My mind goes back and forth with all of this because its not logical and I want it to be. I think we all know love is never logical. I will keep reading to get some encouragement. Thanks in advance to everyone for their stories. It does help!

    • G

      Hi Pat,
      I’ve been posting on here a lot tonight bc my mm is officially going on vaca with his wife and family for three weeks and I ended things two days ago. When I ended it he flipped out and wouldn’t stop messaging me but now he has gone silent. In the past whenever I broke up with him if you could even call it that since we’re not legitimately together he would contact me but now he hasn’t. He’s truly done and before he always chased after me. I thought he would do the same but he’s done. Wow… I’m kind of in shock. At first I felt relieved and liberated and now I’m seriously struggling. Going no contact is very difficult but I think it’s the only way to persevere. I blocked his email, phone number and everything else I could do. He’s touring the world with his fam for weeks and I’m hoping it will help me to move on. All I can tell you is block him on every possible avenue for communication and call it quits. This has been the most excruciating experience of my life. I’m lying in bed watching tv and feel like complete crap. I guess it’s just withdrawal symptoms we all experience but I know by keeping no contact I’ll recover. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I’m sorry for your struggles. I wish I could give everyone here a big hug bc this is awful. There’s no one to turn to bc you’re living a secret life yet you need all the support in the world. My best suggestion to you is don’t look back and cut all contact. Tell yourself I’ll do it for x amount of time and then determine if I want to contact. This has been the most painful, awful experience of my life. I’ll be honest in that entering into it I was lifted so high by the chemistry, attraction and connection. I’m such a mess now and can totally relate and the only way to move on is to continue to read stories and write here. Yesterday I felt so invigorated and today I’m a mess. My job is so high stress and demanding and Idk how to get through all of this.

      • Needhelp

        Hi G,
        I really feel for you, it must be awful knowing he is away with his family. You are really brave going nc. I know how hard it can be.
        Stay strong xxx

  • Kevvv...the married guy

    A married man perspective………….i want start off by saying I love the woman I’m having an affair with and I go out my way to show it…….I text and call her every morning, I wait hours after work just to see her a few minutes so that i can give her a hug and tell her that I love her, buy her expensive gifts, on holidays and birthdays I make sure im the 1st to call, in the evening i will leave the house for hours just so that i can talk to her, when I can I make sure her car has gas in it and is cleaned, very sensitive to her emotions, I buy her kids things, if we are out late at the hotel and she wants me to lay down longer so that i can hold her i will all night knowing that i going to catch hell the next day, if she need lunch im on it, if im doing something she dont like i try to make adjustments, when im with her i put my phone on silence when i remember, i write her romanic letters, my point is i go out my way to show her that i love her………..

    While im trying to show her that i love her my family of 21 years is feeling the impact…….my wife found out I was cheating 7 months ago and since than she had been doing everything in her power to be the perfect wife…..dinner is ready when i get home, takes my socks off and run my feet, constantly telling me how much she loves me and cant live without me, she tends to my everyneed, if theres a disagreement she will go out her way fo let me know that she is not disrespectful ……….. (she dont know that im still in the affair)

    So the question is if your wife is so good why dont you leave your lover alone……..MY HEART IS NOT THERE… …….my wife decided to change or fight for our marriage after she found out

    I said all that to setup for what im about to say now, 4:00 am this morning she woke me up crying saying she cant take the rejection and she told me that she gave me all of her youth, she loves me and cant take anymore, she cried herself to sleep while i held her and tried to convince her that I love her………..My 4 kids have to warch there mother who is usually happy and outgoing, stay in the room most of the day because thats her way of dealing with the pain……………I have a date plan with my Lover and i have never cancelled but im feeling the guilt now and thinking about cancelling today because i think my wife has suffered enough ……………if you have a married man and he has a good heart and is involved in this type of relationship…….if he is truly good in his core what do you think he will eventually do……………….starting to understand why i married man who is in love with 2 women will choose to leave his lover…….never felt the guilt but starting to feel it now…………wife gave me 22 years, who am i to leave because im having problems…..if i do leave i will have problems

    • Lara

      Wow Kevin this is really very poignant. It is so great hearing from the “married man” perspective as well. I have no idea what to say to you n terms of any advice. I only can see how difficult your situation is. Your lover and your wife both need and want you and you must theoretically “choose” but how? And how do you make this choice knowing you are going to definitely hurt other people and cause pain NO MATTER WHAT your choice is? And what is it YOU truly need and want yourself? Do you have someone in real life” to talk to….. a counselor perhaps or a therapist? It sounds like this might be useful for you. What surprised me in your situation is where is your wife’s anger at you? She seems to be trying so hard and admirably so but where is her anger and her jealousy and her rage at you? (These emotions are all normal for a betrayed spouse and seem to be missing in what you describe). Is she hiding her true feelings from you I wonder just to keep the peace? Just my 2 cents. I wish you courage. L.

    • Dackac

      Hi Kevvv. Thanks for sharing your story. I have never posted on this site. I’ve been with a married man for 7 years. (Since I was 29 yrs old) Your story sounds so much like my story with the exception that I don’t know besides what he tells me is going on in his home. It’s so unfair to both women. The wife and the lover. I’m at the point of wanting to break it off because I don’t want to face the day he tells me it’s over. But he’s my bestfriend. I can’t imagine him not in my life anymore. He’s my soulmate. I do believe that people marry to wrong person. But is she is so wrong why do he stay? And if she is so right why spend 7 years with me?? I know you can’t help me. I guess I just wanted to see a man’s perspective.

      • G

        Hi Dackac,
        He’s not your soulmate. Yes, there’s probably a strong emotional attachment on both parts but you can disconnect and move on. You’re in the prime of your life. Please give available men opportunities to get to know you. As hard as it seems to break free remember that you are keeping his marriage alive. While the logic seems backward, you’re actually filling a missing space in his life. Let him face his marital issues on his own and learn to either accept his current situation or be a true man and give 100% to you. Let him feel the pain of missing you as you move on beaming with self-confidence. I know it feels empty to be alone but I’d rather experience some loneliness on my own than with someone who gives 90% of themselves to another person. Please consider breaking it off. You’ll miss him and feel a void but someone else and something else will fill the place he occupied in time. Besides you need to leave your heart open for love if you want to attract a true soulmate. As for why they don’t leave I think it’s fairly simple. Divorce is financially and emotionally devastating on the couple and the kids. Disentanglement is a huge legal, monetary and mental burden. In essence they know they’re in for pure hell and it’s infinitely easier to keep someone on the side while retaining their current family unit. I truly think it comes down to convenience and the major implications of divorce. I played the role of the OW and ended it recently and finally for good for a plethora of reasons. A part of me wants him to reach out but then I’ll just get sucked back into that toxic wasteland. Whenever I get bummed I remind myself of how I felt when he turned cold on me, saw his wedding pics and saw messages to his wife professing his love. It brings me back to a grounded place. These situations are anything but stable and life is complicated as it is. I wish you the best breaking free. It won’t be easy but it will be better than some half ass semblance of a relationship.

        • Lara

          G you really nailed it here! Your words and logic are very clear to me. I think you are so right about why (most) men don’t leave their marriages and divorce: Divorce is too damn devastating and awful. Simple as that. And when they find a willing affair partner (like I was) they have what it takes to survive their marriages, maybe even improve them: they have the SECOND woman! I am convinced that is why affairs can go on for years if they go undetected. The “other woman” becomes the third wheel like I did. And of course the married man always wants her back even after all the numerous big blow up fights because she (and I) was the glue holding together his life! I have finally realized I was playing too much of a “mommy” role by “needing to help my MM” and “needing to support and understand him”. Now I say “to hell with that”! It is high time for my MM to grow the heck up and to grow a pair and to and face his own damn marriage and his own damn life problems without me secretly providing love, compassion and support for not only him but for his wife and children. Sheesh. I have my own two sons and my own house and a job and a life of my own! Why did I cast myself as Mother Theresa for so long? I am not sure yet, but in therapy I will find out I hope! And maybe just maybe I will find my own love one day, someone who can give me 100 per cent not 10. Grrrr I hope I finally reached my bottom with this affair so that the only way I can go now is “up”!

    • Nicole

      Hey Kevin. Thanks for taking the time to give us a mans perspective. I just believe that at the end of the day you have to make a decision. You are hurting yourself and you are hurting two different women. I can tell you being the “other woman” how absolutely dreadfully painful this process is. When your name pops up onto our screens, or a memory pops up into our heads it’s gut wrenching. I have experienced moving on with 2 months of no contact and although it hurt I can say that I was better. Then he selfishly came back into my life just to tell me how much he missed me and still did nothing about it. Talking to him has brought me back to square one, sleeping 15 hours a day out of sadness. My point to you here is, deep down in your heart you know where you want to be, you know where your heart is, and it’s time to make that decision and allow the other person to heal. Do the right thing.. if you want to make your marriage work, allow your lover to move on and focus on building your marriage again. If it’s the opposite, let your wife go because this pain is greater for her than allowing her to move on. At least with that she can eventually have hope again. It’s hard for me to believe that you men suffer as much as us but I guess that’s cause I’m not in your shoes. I miss someone I love so much every single day and he has flat out admitted he’s just too scared to leave his family. It’s an excuse I’m sorry. To me it’s bullshit because if you loved me that much, you would fight for what we have. Don’t you agree?

    • Lisa

      Hey kevin , i think its really cool of you to think that much of your situation to reach out for a better understanding of the feelings of those involved other than just your own. I especially think its pretty cool that your feelings run as deep as they seem to for the woman who loves you inspite of you being married to someone else.
      That being said, i gotta pick your brain-your the only married man i know (of) that cheats. Besides the one im with-but i cant ask him. So even if its not first hand knowledge can please answer to the best of your ability not only as a mm that cheats but as being of the male species in general.
      So my mm says hes never before me cheated. Married 23 yrs. Hes 46. Also says “he doesnt know why hes cheating, he doesnt know-other than the fact that im just so damn sexy” i think hes full of s***. But i dont know what to make of his claim. because he doesnt give me a poor me she doesnt understand me , nor does he make promises to leave-not that i ask him to-i do not. Just from what ive learned on here as far as the mm’s “game”. But idk if hes happy with his wife and the marital relationship, and theres no reason he has for cheating, then why cheat? Especially when he has no time not only bcuz hes married but his job really takes more of his time than being married does. Any feedback would be so appreciated kevin….thank you

    • Lisa

      Hi NEEDHELP HI G,
      Yeah i agree w/NEEDHELP, i mean u have ur moments when hes here in his everyday life & ur (still) seeing one another & ur head still trips on u. But knowing hes going on vacay & for 3wks then topping it off NC days prior to departure that could be like a double dosage of head trips for u. And thats gotta be rough, like torture-self imposed torture. OR YOU can step out of the box & look at it from a perspective that builds you up rather than one that will tear you down.
      First, you know him. How he is. How thinks, especially when it comes to you. His head is probably still spinning because u stuck to NC and after blowing up ur phone- him going silent, well something tells me (and you) thats probably not by choice. So its probably eating him up more than you think. Dont let it eat you up inside more than its eating up at him. You dont deserve that. Or any of this . None of us do. We have to stop settling. “ITS” easier said than done i know. Obviously in our brains we know something doesnt feel right to subject ourselves to playing a role that makes us feel the way we do. Yet, here we are. But if we say “IT” enough maybe one day-we’ll get. Im not giving up hope on that wish, not for me or any of you ladies. Our situation relates us, but our pain & understanding connects us.

  • Angie

    So m in month 2 after i brokeup with mm but things arent realy smooth. Last few days hav been depressing since i missed him. Mm called me 2-3 days back n amicably ended all that we had. That was his way of doing damage control after the bitter msgs that we exchanged, so that i must not try to tell his wife abt it. He knws m facing problms with my husband since he suspects me, so i might seek revenge..By sayin that i dont hate u, i remember u for all good reasons, i wil stil make attempts to meet u wen i visit ur city, u r free to call me anytime etc etc, hes just pacifying me so that i dnt act impulsive. Doesnt mean anything else.. I added his wife on social media thru a fake profile since i was tempted to see wat she looks like.. i saw their wedding pics..😳😳😳😳they both looked so happy & complete! i felt as if a knife sliced thru my heart. I found myself crying & howling after a long time… I hav been seein him in my dreams and its very disturbing. I was doing fairly well, healin n starting to get over that assclown.. dnt knw y i pushed myself agn in that mode.. as sumone rightly said here, wish there was a way to press the undo button n rectify all ur wrong doings.. or go bak n erase everything.. wish i had heard my inner voice that must hav told me agn & agn to stop.. its very very very painful.. ignorance is bliss n the more u try to scratch the surface, the more painful it becomes.. he left no stone unturned to emotionaly abuse me, treat me like a side dish, spoil my special occasions includin my bday, hurt me always, not being there for me weneva i needed him the most (including the time wen my marriage was at stake) or not make me feel special at all! N m still hurting for that man!! Pathetic it is..

    • Anonymous

      Angie,

      I so hear you on those tortures. But please, please, do not seek any revenge, the only person you would hurt more by doing this is… yourself. I had exactly the same feeling before, like wanted to tell his wife, or to somehow write an anonymous letter, etc. But somehow stopped myself and I am now happy that I did not do any of those things.
      That’s really painful that you saw their wedding pics. I could’ve suggested that you need to stop looking at their pics or at his wife’s profile online, but I know how really hard it is not to do so (I have the same problem…). You are having an attachment to that man, not love, this is a good news. The not so good news is that it is a painful and lengthy process to get unstuck from this attachment.
      You are not alone, we are all here for you.

    • Lara

      Oh dear Angie I know how you feel seeing those wedding pictures I really do! It is indescribable agony to see someone you love who is married to another person having public photographs as proof of that love. And meanwhile your relationship with him is a big secret and “no one can know” or see you in pictures together or anywhere else for that matter. It just sucks. My ex MM knows works next door to my house three and a half days per week and I am haunted daily by his presence and by seeing him with his wife. It is torture. I have planted a whole new beautiful garden in the back of my house (where he can not see me) as a gift to myself. I try to tend my garden and I do my daily chores and I go to work etc trying all the time to stop getting all obsessed about him but it is HARD. I replay scenarios endlessly in my head and I also wish I had never ever slept with him so quickly in the beginning so long ago. Too late now!

    • Angie

      Dear Lara & anonymous,
      Thanks for writing back. Yes m trying not to see their happy pics again. Its just a way of torturin myself. I was doing fairly wel for a month until that asshole called me for his selfish reasons. Hes a big selfish & way smarter than i thought he was. I hav deleted his no and wont reach out to him ever. I dnt wish anything good for him. I want him to be lonely despite having all relationships in life. I know for a fact that hes not a one woman man (he himself told me this abt him) so he surely wil cheat on his wife agn. M happy i dont hav to deal with his nonsensical behavior and lies anymore. Lara, like u even i wish i shudnt hav slept with him that early in a relationship. Even though this relationship left me shattered n devastated, i dnt feel that m a horrble person coz my love for him was selfless & i wasnt lookin to extract anythin from him. Atleast i can say that i tried everything beyond my capacity to make him stay.. i wud realy appreciate if sumone can advice me how to get over it?? Plz plz plz.. any suggestion wud be appreciated..

      • vickiP

        Angie – I am so proud of you and your courage for NC. Not looking at pictures and torturing yourself. I wish i had the strength but I am still in it. I just wanted to say thank you so much for your honesty.

  • J

    I’m so sad and depressed tonight. This is already my second writing tonight. It’s so hard especially with not being able to talk to anyone. I want so much to rid myself of this horrible nightmare situation that I can’t believe I got myself into. I used to be such a strong person, demanding respect, now I’m a doormat. I tried so hard to distance myself the last few weeks. It just was too much with the wife’s lumpectomy and his caring for her. But he kept at me saying how much he loves me and explained how he’s just caring for her through this time. I tried to give us space but he kept asking me to meet him and kept kissing and hugging me. Practically begged me to go to a hotel room with him because he needed me so much. I finally agreed because like a fool, I love him. We went and had a great time. Beautiful and passionate. Told me how much he loves me over and over. Went back this morning and again great time, told me how magical it is to just look into my eyes. When it was time to leave his wife called and received news that she will have to have chemo. Now he’s totally guilt ridden. I had to listen to his phone call of being sweet and caring. Then I didn’t hear from him for hours because he wanted to cheer her up and take her to lunch. We usually text every night for hours but tonight I received a message that he took her out for drinks, again to cheer her up. I do feel awful about her condition. But I feel so used now. Like dirt on the bottom of his shoes. I know deep down he will never get divorced.

    • Lara

      J you are NOT dirt on the bottom of his shoes! Not even close. He sounds very VERY VERY conflicted (see married man Kevin’s post above) and you are smack dab in the middle of his conflict. Just remember you have choices! You are an adult woman with the freedom to make choices and decisions for yourself! You must also take care of your own self in this agonizing situation.

    • Lisa

      J, i just came across ur post, im sorry i didnt see it on the 7th, if only to say hey im sorry, i know, it sucks and still isnt fair just because hes a mm.
      Your not alone, you have us and we all have eachother.

  • Nicole

    Im going through the same thing as you all and having a really hard time with this. I could really use someone to talk to. I made this fake email since I won’t put my regular email here. Would love someone to talk to, email me Quotes_1234@yahoo.com.

    Thanks 💔

  • J

    Such unbelievably sadness. It’s so hard to even recognize the pathetic person I feel I’ve become. I wish I could go back in time and do it all over. I tried so hard to push him away and avoid him. But he pursued me with such aggression. And it felt so good that he wanted me so much because of my deep seated father issues. He didn’t care about anything but me for a year. Even when his wife got diagnosed with breast cancer he promised he’d support her, see her cancer through, and then we’d be together. He never loved anyone like me before, I’m his soulmate, we are a team, I’m his world, etc. I heard it all. Now after a year, it’s the ups and downs of his guilt. But I’m already in love with him. What am I supposed to do now? How could my love had grown but his seems less? I just don’t understand.

  • S. Anne

    Hi everyone I haven’t read too many comments and I will read more.

    At first glance I felt grateful for not becoming the woman who was waiting at home for him if we HAD built the life together I hoped we would. He was so smooth with his poor me story. It was so easy to become the giver and I want to take care of his every need.

    “Poor Me, both my wives cheated on me”
    “Poor Me, the woman who had my two children had me arrested”
    “Poor Me, I work 24 hr shifts risking my life for taxpayers” (Firefighter)
    “Poor Me, my family and kids don’t want to see me at Christmas”

    On and on for many many years. He would give me silent treatment to punish me. Bully me online indirectly. HOrrible shit really.

    I am relating to the telling your mother or daughter step and how this could potentially ruin my life. My obsession with this man.
    I have a bad bout of vertigo for a year now, they are butterflies that now need medication to soothe.
    I have abused alcohol and retaliated doing unspeakable things in anger and I dont know who I am anymore.

    • Lara

      S. Anne I abused alcohol too when my affair was in its early stages and I could not take the pain of being in an affair with him. I also acted VERY crazy with him at times. Thankfully, I ended up in AA! Now I am sober 16 years but STILL in love with the MM. Only I have broken up with him finally and am sticking to my NO CONTACT guns. I can not bear talking to him to tell you the truth. His voice makes me feel so alone and so abandoned. I just want to break down and cry all the time if I talk to him.
      I am not strong enough for any type of contact. L.

  • Mara

    😑 After promising and canceling lunch he went MIA. I’ve decided that this time I wouldn’t initiate conversation and if this meant the affair was over, ok then! One week later (yesterday) he initiated, by saying that he’s been busy, with lots of stress and work (I know it is true from source). At first I didn’t want to reply but then I’ve sent him the lyrics of a song I’ve been listening to, that resumes what is going on my life since I met him: he drives me crazy, I’m at his mercy and I have feelings for him! To which he replied that we have to stop because the affair has been causing him a lot of stress! I wanted to call and scream at him, telling how much he has hurt me and made me suffer but then I realised that this would mean he has won! Instead I didn’t reply! I guess now he must be wondering if I got the message, if I’m gonna respect his decision, if I’m gonna tell about the affair…I always thought I would be devastated when he would end it but after the initial choc, I was “ok”. I saw it coming!!! I know I still have to digest it and resist the temptation of trying contact or asking for explanations, or confronting him…but for the first time I feel like I have the upper hand, that my self-esteem is coming back! I read somewhere that it takes courage and strength to be honest about our feelings and that MM play games because they lack the courage and strength to do so!

  • Lost and Lonely

    Wow, where was this site a year and a half ago and how the heck did I get myself into this situation. While after reading all these posts I realize that there are a lot of similarities, but they are also a bit different, as in my situation. I am divorced and have been single for 15 years being hurt over and over again by players and liars. The anger just builds and builds inside of me from the way I have been treated because all I want in my life is a happy healthy relationship. About a 1.5 ago I was sort of dating a guy, and I say sort of because yes he was a player. He would take me out then disappear for three plus weeks. Then we would go out again and he then would disappear again. I hung in there because I guess I was hoping it would turn into something and when we were together he was a lot of fun. So, one Friday night, when he wasn’t available, I decided to go a happy hour all alone to a new place next to my work that just opened up. I got there sat at the bar had one drink and decided to leave. On my way out this guy says “Hey, I know you, we work in the same building”. Now my building is very big with 1000+ people. So I say, “really” and that is how it all started. I sat down he bought me a beer and we talked about why I was at a bar alone and not with anyone so I told him my story with men. He did not mention to me that he was married. When we left that night he gave me a hug and said “it was nice talking to you”. The next day at work I sent him an email saying “thank you for the beer”. He replied and we exchanged a few emails, then a few phone calls at work. I finally said “why don’t you just come to my office” so he did. We talked for at least two hours and then finally when he was getting ready to leave he said “I have something to tell you, I am married” at this point I was disappointed and just said “oh, okay” and then he goes into how he isn’t happy and he is planning on leaving when his son graduates from high school, which was 1.5 years away. He left my office and I was disappointed, but remember, I was also “dating” someone else. Anyway, somehow we continued to exchange emails and phone calls at work until we finally decided to go to a happy hour together. He was so nice to me. He treated me the way no guy has ever treated me. We ended up going to happy hour the next two nights. Then he started calling my every day. I was very reserved because again, I was “dating” someone and he was married, but he just kept coming on so strong. I would show up at work and he would be in my office waiting for me. We would talk for two hours in my office every morning. The calls were every day for two hours each evening. We started meeting after work and on weekends. He would bring me candy to work. I have never had anyone treat me the way he did. So the guy I was “dating” cancels plans to go out of town with me, typical for my track with with men. I was so mad, but then I had this MM treating me like I was the best thing in the entire world. So I ended it with this guy I was dating and gave all my attention to this MM. Remember, this MM always said he would leave when his son graduates high school. He said this from the very beginning when I was still interested in the other guy and had no feelings for him. I told him I didn’t agree with how he was handling himself leaving, but I would respect it. So we got closer and closer. He told me that sex was very special to him and that he has never cheated on his wife and that this is not him. He said he would not have sex with me unless we both could say “I love you” to each other. And that is what happened. We finally fell in love and had sex. Our life together was wonderful. He called every day. We did so many things together. It was unbelievable how much time we were able to spend together. He got so involved in my favorite sport and started doing it with me. We would go out of town for the weekend. He would travel and be so sad that he was so far away he would call me crying saying he missed me. Out of the blue I would get a phone call saying he can’t believe how much he loves me etc. The more and more I fell in love, and the more and more we did, the more and more jealous I became of his home life, but again, I said I would respect the way he is dealing with leaving because he told me early on. So I patiently waited for the summer of 2017. Throughout our relationship I would ask him several times “are you sure you are leaving”. He would always say yes. It got to the point he would get mad because I kept asking the same question over and over, and we would argue, but he always said yes. He also said that he was having a hard time in general because he is not a liar and him lying and sneaking was taking a toll on him and he asked to put it “on-hold” a few times, but I would cry and say it is too late, we are already in love, let’s just get through this together. We would fight, cry, and up back together. He knew how guys have always treated me and he kept assuring me that he was not like the other guys and that lying was something he never did before and is worried I would think he would lie to me. This whole lying thing really ate him up. I honestly do believe he is a good person and the lying wasn’t something he did, but we both got caught up in this love affair. Well we had a wonderful 1.5 years, yes up and downs over my jealousy, and him feeling horrible about what he was doing, but we both would always say that we knew we were soulmates and that we love each other more than we’ve ever loved anyone. So what happened, drama…..drama at his house with his kids, his wife, his mom, himself. It was one severe issue after another which involved son being arrested, son maybe not graduating (which is what I have been waiting for), son doing drugs, wife being laid off, him being so stressed that it was now causing him health problems and he was passing out, he told his mom about me and she freaked. So now it is time to leave and he is faced with all this stuff. So what does he do….he tells me he can’t leave now and wants to stop with me. He said he loves me, and wants to be with me, and will find me one day, but he said he cannot just leave with things this way. He said he has responsibilities and his wife can’t afford to live out on her own, especially with no job. He said the stuff with his sons wouldn’t have happened if his mind was at home paying attention to them, but he said he was always thinking of me or with me. He said one bad thing after another keeps happening and he thinks it is because he is doing wrong. He said he is just waiting for the next bad thing to happen. He said he is worried she would find out about me and take him to the cleaners. I freaked out to say the least. I have been waiting a 1.5 for him to leave and now he isn’t. I cried, I begged, I made a fool of myself. I asked him to “talk” to me about five times and every time he did. And every time he said the same thing. “I have to get my life in order before I can move on. Everything is a mess. I need to get my character back. I want to be 100% available for you. I will find you no matter where you are or who you are with.” He would say he didn’t think me being on the side was fair to me. I have never been so hurt in my entire life. I never thought he would do this. Why would he do this after all the conversations we had about me being hurt and how he reassured me he loved me and this was real. Well it has been 1 month that I have not contacted him. I am dying to reach out to him and being here at work is really hard because I know he is also here. At least we are on opposite sides of the building. The last time we talked I made him mad because I wouldn’t stop begging and calling him. So our last contact was him being mean to me. That is killing me and I just want to apologize for causing him to be mean. Everyone tells me I don’t owe him an apology. I want to believe everything he says, but my friends say I shouldn’t. They say he just doesn’t want to leave. Anybody reading this that is just getting involved with a MM please stop now. You have no idea how painful this is. Please stop now before it is too late.

  • Anonymous

    Hi dear ladies!
    That’s would be so nice to form like AA group, yes 🙂 (thanks to this blog we can actually connect). I wonder how far do we live from each other. Would be nice to meet in person someday, like to schedule a trip together to Vegas or such. Even if just for the weekend. Because we are all in the same boat, we don’t have to hide our “dirty secret” and can just discuss it without shame.
    I would so love meeting you! We are all at the same boat and we need to get out!
    So who is up for the meeting to support each other? 🙂

    • Lara

      Hi Anonymous….AA for us? What a hoot! But hmmm…on a more serious note, I have been thinking that “AA” for use mean we would all need to take a personal inventory of ourselves (Step 4) and this would be the hardest part I think. We often see ourselves as victims in these affairs, and yes we are surely victims, but unfortunately we are also perpetrators as well….now that is a very sobering thought isn’t it? and hardly fun to contemplate, even in Las Vegas! 🙂 Even on this blog Laurie mentions this in “Number Two”…getting to know our shadows and our weaknesses…..not sure I am even ready for that! LOL
      But yeah I do get that my behavior truly caused harm to another woman….(the wife) and even if I hate her (and yeah I do, mostly because she “won” …as if there is such a thing as a “winner”) I still did not have the right to steal ) (or borrow) her husband even if she was not sleeping with him! (and it turns out oh yes she WAS sleeping with him)….So I am talking ‘shame’ here UGH and now, I have to live with knowing she was maybe a victim too…and that he most likely lies to her every bit as much as he lies/lied to me. Logical no?

      • Anonymous

        Hi Lara,
        I hear you, yes, you are so right!
        But I may surprise many ladies here if I tell my own view of the situation. My view may not be very popular here though. The point it – I do not consider myself a victim, I mean I do not consider myself as a victim of that MM. Yes, I suffered and still suffer a lot from this relationship, but… I am not a victim. And MM is not my perpetrator or the only one responsible for my feelings and suffering. Why would I see him this way? Well, he did not rape me, he did not push me into a relationship, etc. This was my decision to get into this relationship and to stay in it even though I was suffering. MM had (and has) some of his needs being unmet and so he went out of the way to fulfill those, whether it was a need for excitement, or the need for sex, or the need for get out of routine, or the need to feel those butterflies in his stomach, etc. Of course he had to use all his charm to get me into a relationship (and it’s same for many other ladies here), why wouldn’t he? And of course he was way more charming than available guys, cause he knew that he would not get me in the first place. He used all he had in his arsenal: pleasant words that were making me feel like I am his soulmate, the best woman in the world, the most attractive, etc. Hugs, kisses, texts, letters, etc. This all led to an attachment from my side (cause as many ladies here I had (and have) a big need for those, some problems originated in my childhood so it’s like MM was giving me what I was hungry for… , like I was thursty for years and he gave me a glass of water, and I became attached to this source of validation, it was making me feel special, beautiful, loved, cared for, etc. (even though all those things he was doing to get and keep me, cause he feels that I have damaged self esteem deep down… Single guy would not be that attractive because he would be real, with good things and bad things, and available, while MM is all like a fantasy that came true and he is unavailable (which made me desire him even more). Can I really blame him for doing so? Nope. He needed to fulfill his own needs. and it’s in human nature to fulfill own needs before others. It doesn’t make him a really bad person. And of course, when I was helping him to meet his needs, his void in the married life was diminishing and his relationship with his wife getting better. And it’s a roller coaster because his void is not going completely away. So when it’s high, he calls and texts, when he is again back with his wife, he ghosts me.
        Why I do not consider myself a victim? Because no one can make us victims (I am not talking about the crime stuff where people get ubducted, held as hostages, being raped, etc.), only we, ourselves can do so. It’s my choice to feel and stay a victim, or to stop it. Is it hard to realize? Yes, it is.
        Another thing that I think may not be popular here is that I do not feel any guilt towards his wife or his family. I do not think that I stole this man from his wife. Her husband is not a little baby, he is not a leashed sheep, and he chose it himself. It’s him who should think about such things, it’s his wife and his responsibility, not mine. His wife is no one to me, and she is an adult person too. No one can steal her husband if her husband, himself, does not want it.
        The problem is that even knowing this all, I have a very hard time trying to get away from this relationship. I got very attached to this amazing feeling of “high” moments with him. Even though the “down” moments and suffering are way longer and deeper, my brain still wants that “high” feeling regardless. Like a drug user, yeah 🙂 But seriously, emotional addiction, addiction to a rollercoaster, is very similar to a drug and alcohol addiction. And its a hard one to get rid of… Most of the time professional help is needed because roots of the need for such a relationship are usually coming from the childhood (I was very much criticized during my childhood and teenage years, and always tried to proof that I am good and worthy. This went deep down to my core, damaged my self-esteem, made me vulnerable in my adult life… ).
        I could tell more about it, but I am afraid my point of view would not be very welcoming here 🙂

  • Clair

    I haven’t talked to my MM since last Thursday. He was real busy at work last week so we didn’t talk as much. He texted me Thursday when he left work and told me he was sorry he couldn’t talk much but hopefully he could Friday. Well Friday came and I didn’t text him just so i wouldn’t be pushy and of course he didn’t text me either knowing Fourth of July weekend was coming and that he would be off today and tomorrow so that’s 5 days without talking and he knew that because we don’t talk on the weekends unless he can see me. He’s so hot and cold and I don’t understand. I asked him last Wednesday was he still happy with me and he said yes and then not talk or even try to attempt to talk to me since last Thursday. I know I won’t talk to him tomorrow and he’ll go back to work Wednesday. I want to so bad text him first thing that morning and ask have I done something but then I want to wait and see if he’ll text me.

    • Lara

      Clair you have not done anything wrong! It is not you at all. You did NOTHING WRONG! OMG How many times have I been through the exact same scenario with my former MM. I would wait hours on end for just a tiny crumb of his attention! And then when I finally got it, I would be so pissed off inside at him, but never dare to “complain” to him since he always made it seem like he was “trying so hard”…. UGH….being the mistress (the “other woman”) means we are the ones who are supposed to be all “understanding” and “patient” and “kind” all the time blah blah blah….We believe this is the way to go because the MM says “how hard it is at home” with the wife, etc. So we are the “better women” supposedly. And we believe it because we have to believe it! Otherwise we are just being foolish women getting used, right?
      So for years, I truly believed I was being loving towards him by never asking him for “too much”. I never insisted on much of anything at all. Only too many of these MM’s are very quick to realize they have it made in the shade! Now they have two women: a wife and family at home with all those perks, and a woman on the side who demands almost nothing from him! (and great sex with her even though she demands almost nothing!) I am saying I now realize I gave my former MM waaayyyyy too much rope! In the end he hung himself with it…when I saw him hand in hand with his wife on my block I finally, after all the years of me believing all his lies about his marriage and his relationship with his wife, I saw the real person I was dealing with: A LIAR! And imagine he did this right on my block thinking I would never see him! (It was late at night and it was dark) But honestly I could have saved myself so much heartache if I just had never believed all his bullshit to begin with. My version of what “loving him” meant was NOT what I was getting back from him. No way. I do believe he loved me and maybe even still does (probably in his own way he does). But LOVE was sure not enough. Time only made the ruts in our relationship get deeper. My former MM realized he could get away with murder when it came to me, and unfortunately, I let him treat me the way he did because I thought I loved him “that much”. Sigh. Now in therapy I am realizing that I had every right to demand things from him! Look at what he was demanding from me. He was so passive aggressive and always saying he never “wanted” anything from me so I got confused about it. But now I know that was all a lie too. He sure as hell had some demands! He just went about it very passive/aggressive: he wanted me to stay in the relationship silently, without causing him any kind of serious trouble, and for me to stay that way forever! And if I didn’t comply he could simply say he had had “enough” of me, and disappear or give me the silent treatment for a few months. He knew I would be back sooner or later. So I learned never to have demands. My affair with my MM was really a form of emotioanal abusive towards me. Unfortunately, I did not recognize it as such because I was dealing with such an excellent con artist who always said I couldn’t be just happy with the ways things were. He wanted me to think how about lucky I was to have him, even only a piece of him, not “demand” any more. And he always reminded me I “knew” when I got involved that he was married right??? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr The only redeeming thing is this: Perhaps I can help others having been through what I went through. The reason I like writing here is that I am hoping my words and experience will help someone in the same type of situation understand all the mind games and booby traps in affairs get the hell OUT sooner than I did! Affairs suck and triangular relationships suck as far as I am concerned now. The excruciating pain so many of us suffer in these relationships should tell us what kind of emotional dynamite we are dealing with. But too often even the horrid pain does not stop us from going back again and again for more…….

      • Clair

        So I wrote that on Monday morning I think and Monday evening he texted wanting to see me and of course I went so I could get some answers and I missed him. He said he had just been so busy and while we were “together” I felt like he barely looked at me or even wanted to talk and started saying how we shouldn’t talk unless he texts me wanting to see me! Needless to say I felt very hurt and didn’t say much when he left and what makes it so bad is it was his anniversary Monday! So didn’t talk to him anymore Monday and didn’t talk tuesday and what I didn’t know was he was off all week with his kids but I didn’t know that. I texted him Wednesday asking did he still want this and he said what do you want? I told him I still wanted him but didn’t want to feel like I was being used. Didn’t talk anymore that day and I texted him Thursday and he didn’t text back till that evening saying he was busy and then yesterday I texted asking if he could talk and I didn’t hear back until yesterday afternoon when he called! We talked like we used to and I loved it. He said he wants to be with me but we don’t need to be. He feels bad because he’s seeing me and when heshwith his wife he finds himself thinking of me which I can understand how that can be stressful. He said he felt awful seeing me on Monday when it was his anniversary and I said then why did you??? He said I don’t deserve being treated like he treats me. I agree that we need to stop but we have an emotional connection and it’s hard to cut ties. He asked if I wanted to come over so we could talk in person and say goodbye. I did and it was nice. I cried , we talked and laughed. After I left I texted and asked him was he sure and he said yes. The thing is this has happened so many times I really don’t know if it will last. I know he will text me in a few days and I guess that will be the test. Any advice would help.

  • Angie

    Hi all,
    I visited this forum first in march this year. That time i was neck-deep in mm’s love but sum element within me kept tellin me that i need to come out of it. After months & months of trying to come out of it, i finaly managed to break it off with him last month. Thanks to his hot & cold behavior, the stress n unhapiness that he gave me, the crumbs he threw at me, weekend silence, n his not being into me the way he was initially, it only reaffirmed my decision. Someone here wrote about how after a few years of marriage, things turn boring for mm and they start luking for sum spice that we provide. However, after a short time things start to change to a rollercoaster. He gets thru the phase of the spark/winning new woman specially in a forbidden relationship, then he calms down. Cause now he realizes that his wife is a good lady and he needs to pay more attention to her. So he will start gosting you, appearing when he feels ok to communicate with you, disappearing when he is not ok. His family becomes even higher priority to him than ever before.. exactly my story! I realized theres no end to this no matter how much i cry or beg him to b like before with me.. he or our relationship cant be like before ever! So i realized that the pain n stress is not worth. Moreover, it was causing problems in my marriage since my husband once saw a text from him abt 7 months back and since then has been suspecting me of cheating on him. Arnd 10 days back, he heard me talking to him over phone. That was the time after i had ended it with mm and after many days of NC we spoke. I knew my husband was at home so i told him to call me later but he overheard our conversation & created a ruckus for stil being in touch with him. I tried to explain it to him that we spoke after a long time & theres nothin like that between us. However hes smarter than me n ofcourse understands me. Wen i told mm about this he bluntly told me that beyond a time we r not together & cant be..! He told me that watever m going through is coz of my own carelessness n hes not responsible for it.. hes the same mm who at one point of time used to say he loves me, m his soulmate, he cant live without me, he wil go mad without me, begged me to never leave him etc etc etc.. he always used to tel me that we cant marry or he wont leave his family for me, all i expected him to say were 2 words of politeness & assuring me that he wil be thr for me come wat may.. after being together for 7 months i thought he wud feel for me the way i felt for him, after all i had taken all the risks for him, to which he says “i never asked u to take any risk for me. I always told u that u need to be careful”..!! I hav cut all contact with him since that day n he hasnt tried to contact me either.. he hasnt even tried askin if things r ok with hubby.. my hubby is stil not talkng to me properly n my marriage is in deep shit.. Wenever we argue, he taunts me with mm’s name which only aggravates my pain… m petrified every minute about him finding an evidence that proves that i cheated on him.. m scared all the time! M stil not over the pain of not havin mm in my life but honestly, m more worried abt him finding out! All i can advise u from my experience is get out of it now! Affairs with mm are like cancer, they destroy u n hav no cure! The longer u delay the severe it becomes.. mm loses nothing, mine stil is havin a good time n being a nice family guy but m at unrest all the time.. do not go by wat they say coz they r nothing but blatant lies.. i can recall wat one woman wrote to me in this forum long back “the moment he wil get into hot waters with u, he wil turn back to his wife in a way that wil leave ur head spinning!!” Its so so so true.. get out of it before its too late.. i never thought i can stay without him but i hav completed a month now without him. Looking forward to month 2 but at this stage i only pray to b able to save my marriage!

    • Nadine

      Stay strong Angie. How unfair life is!!! His marriage is all roses and you stuck coz your husband suspects something. Either be honest and try work on your marriage or get out if you are unhappy. One comment on here really stuck with me……we probably have all been in a somewhat emotionally abusive relationship before whether we know it or not and relationships with MM emotional abusive. I went 3 consecutive nights without sleep worrying and thinking about my MM. Do you think he cares?? Highly doubt it. Congrats Angie on NC for one month. Take it day by day and hour by hour if you have to. Hopefully soon i will be able to say that i have had NC for one month. You are in my thoughts

    • Lara

      Hi Angie check out this place: It is for single people who have had affairs AND married people who have had affairs….there is a great deal of good (free) advice here and also the possibility of counseling for you and your H should you want or need it as well as home study kits, CD’s etc: I have used the home study kit for ending my affair and I have found it extremely useful! http://www.goasksuzie.com Especially for dealing with the shame and the guilt. Hope this helps. L.

      • Angie

        Thanks Nadine & lara! Wil surely go through this. My husband is stil not talking to me. Dont know wat exactly is bothering him. Its difficult to go through the stress from both sides. At times i really do miss mm and wana speak to him and tell him what m going through.. but then i realize wats the point.. he wil again slam the door on my face like last time, thinking that i may blame him or ask him to marry me or disturb his family life. If he loved me like he claimed, he wudnt hav left me stranded wen i needed him the most. I know for a fact that i wouldnt hav left him if he was in my situation. His words telling me “we cant be together and its a fact” haunt me every now & then. He msgd me 3 days back saying that he hates me! I mean y shud he hate me? Wat did i do to him? Anyway, am being selfish now n wil do watever is in my favor. Trying to stay stronger each day! I hope karma bites him in his ass n he too goes through watever i hav been facing. He cant do this to me n once done with me go bak to his wife n become a good husband n father. I realy want him to suffer & god should do justice.

    • Anonymous

      Hi Angie,
      I was the one who wrote the thing that you mentioned in your post, that those affairs do solidify MM marriages with their wives. Because we will the void for the MM, so he can be happier with his wife. And his wife is of course the beneficiary of all those good things. I am not surprised that he is now ghosting you. He needs you when he needs you, and when he doesn’t, he is not contacting you. It’s same with all those MM. Same with mine too. And he is not going to be there for you when/if you have problems in your marriage. He is way too concerned about saving his family and keeping his wife safe and happy from the stress, so that if you have problems, MM will simply disappear from your radar. But once your problems will be resolved, he would be back (but please do not take him back, walk away now!). Your post was so good, you do understand what is going on. You are not alone! I do feel for you, I know how this all rollercoaster feels when your marriage is falling apart and your MM only cares about self and his wife…

  • J

    I’m so hurt and confused. My mm’s wife had her lumpectomy this past week and he’s caring for her every second. Cannot leave her bed side almost. I understand he needs to be there for her. Of course. I feel like a disgusting animal that this is even bothering me. But he keeps texting me nonstop as she sleeps telling me how much he loves and misses me. How he wants me so bad. Then the next message will say sorry but he’s putting the bandages on her breasts. This is making me physically ill. Why is he even telling me this? This is the most confusing thing that’s ever happened to me in my life. I understand she needs help. But him explaining the incisions on her breasts and how he has to apply them to her. He swears when she heals he’s leaving her. This is disgusting. How will he leave her in months if he can’t even leave her bedside. I feel such guilt right now. And jealously that my boyfriend is caring for another woman. But I know logically that’s an insane thought, she’s his wife and needs help. Why does he want me involved in this? I’m so confused. Why can’t I stop loving him???

    • Nadine

      J. I can’t preach to you because I’m still in too deep with my MM. But come on explaining how he’s bandaging her up and detailing her incisions!!! Is he trying to make you jealous and crazy? Why cant he say he’s busy and can’t talk!!! All mind games J. I have read these comments over and over again. I have just printed all 62 pages and I can see myself in each and every single lady that has commented on here. The control the MMs have over us is crazy. I’m sure we are all smart, strong woman why do we let them control us like this!!!! Read all the comments again J and realize you are not alone and take courage from the stories here. Xxx

    • Popo

      J. This man sounds like a complete lunatic telling you all of this… Gross! Its not like you are a doctor and need to give a prescription. He has planned not to leave his wife and is already 10 steps ahead of you. In a few months he will say the incisions were super deep like I told you a few months back bla bla…
      Seriously J… The way mm lie…. I would ask for picture evidence that this is even happening…
      Just saying!!

      Ladies…I haven’t written in a while but absolutely love reading all the stories here. If it wasn’t for you ladies I would still be stuck in a hole… In the muddy waters of my affair. Some days are better without him… Some worse…but all in all… I am just glad I do not have to endure all of the following ;
      1. Wife, his kids – hearing BORING stories about them and acting like I care….not my problem anymore 🤣
      2. His mood swings, Vicious cycle of his blowing hot and cold
      3. Constantly reassuring him. Ego stroking.
      4. Standing me up on dates
      5. He’s always late on dates -hours sometimes – like he’s doing me a favour.
      6. The plain horrific anxiety that goes into arranging dates with him
      7. Stress and fear of last minute cancellations -which often came
      8. Weekend silence
      9. Sheer Torture during holidays with his wife
      10. No gifts j
      11. Me Always apologizing
      12. Always the first to initiate contact
      13. The obsessive phone checking on my part
      14. I do not have to hear about his family and his, luxuries, nonsense!
      15. The pain of enduring the jealousy… Constantly worried – always waiting for something bad to happen.

      I am yet to find someone with a Pros list of being with a mm being longer than cons…. Someone said it… Get out. Getting out doesn’t mean you have lost. Coz we often feel like we have lost to the wife. There is no winners in this dirty game…. Only survivors…

      • J

        Popo and Nadine, Everything you have said is so true. So it’s not just me! I thought the detailing of her incisions and having to bandage her breasts was crazy. I couldn’t figure it out. Mind games as you’ve said. He’s trying to upset me. He was supposed to meet me but was 45 mins late because he had to make her lunch. Now today he even said he went to church and was thinking maybe he should try to be a good man and just be happy with the hand he was dealt. Then 5 mins later he said he’s gonna get a room for us Wednesday because he needs to be with me. Totally insane! Then he has to go home early so he can cook her dinner. I think I’m starting to strongly dislike him.

      • J

        Popo, your list of 15 things sounds just like my anxieties. It is such a vicious ridiculous cycle! We are all smart women, dealing with this nonsense. Being treated horribly! I think we should treat them exactly as they treat us! Start making dates with them and cancel. Stop being available. Make it clear that we will see them only when it’s convenient for us. I’m so sick of things being on his terms. Like he’s so much more important than me. I think I’ll start not being around when he texts and respond hours and hours later and say sorry I was tied up. It’s so clear that they like the chase and once they think they have you in their clutches they don’t think they have to try anymore. Anyone else notice how suddenly after sex the cold phase starts up. Interesting how the guilt wasn’t bothering him before sex.

        • Lara

          J I like your thinking: treat them like they treat us! YES! Why do we let ourselves get so abused like this? This is not normal. I really think it comes from a much earlier (very possibly childhood abuse). In my case my narcissist mother taught me to postpone my own needs (to “de-self”) very well indeed! Everything HAD to be all about her (or else!).

      • Lara

        Hi Popo, It’s so nice to see you back here and I LOVE LOVE LOVE your list! I also love when you said: “I am yet to find someone with a Pros list of being with a mm being longer than cons….” So true! I never thought of that! We should have an on-going list of things we do not miss after the break-up of the affair for ourselves to keep us strong when the weak moments come…because those weak moments always seem to come don’t they?
        Here are a few of my things I do not miss:
        1) After great, amazing. wonderful, awesome sex, these horrible words: “Sorry babe, I gotta go”
        2) Hearing the phone ring when I am with him and it is “her” and then watching him trying to conceal it from me
        3) Hearing about how great he is at his job and how no one is as good at his job as he is (PS he got laid off) (and could not get re-hired in his field)
        4) Having to always build up his ego when I know it is wife not me who is the beneficiary of any success he has
        5) Him never having the time to ask me about me and my life and my thoughts
        needs questions , my family etc
        6) Getting wished Happy Holidays (pick any holiday) at 10 PM on that day…

        I could go on and on….Please someone else chime in!
        Happy Freedom From Affair Day! Sending courage to all you ladies (and man/or men) out there too.

        • G

          HI Lara and Popo,

          I can add to the list. I especially want to reiterate the irritation of hearing about his wife and kids and all the sacrifices he has made for everyone. Cry me a fucking river. I don’t give a shit. The ego stroking too. Wow, isn’t that fun. Back to the list.

          1) You’re blocked from his phone but he can still make calls whenever he wants.
          2) When you’re together and he’s texting back and forth with his spouse.
          3) You oversee messages to his wife that say “I love you”.
          4) He expects you to be loyal and considers dating cheating.
          5) You feel every possible ugly emotion over this experience.
          6) You break up or whatever you want to call it and find yourself having withdrawals.
          7) People are worried about you.
          8) Your other relationships are suffering bc you’re investing emotional energy into his undeserving ass.

          I actually made a pros and cons list and I have 37 cons and 7 pros. I’m sure we’ve all gone through really painful, traumatic situations as humans. Personally, this tops the list of horrific nightmares. I feel like I am in hell. When I’m away I miss him and when we’re together I’m miserable. It’s such a no win situation. I’ve fallen into such a deep depression and I know I have to get out. I keep trying and then he won’t stop calling, emailing and IMing. I feel like I have to do something drastic and get a new job and possibly move to a new city. I’m sorry for rambling but I’m so scared right now.

          • VickiP

            G. Please don’t stop writing. We are here for you. I know the feeling of being so scared so anxious so out of control you feel like your heart is going to explode. Write it down talk to somebody you can talk to or just keep writing here. I haven’t had the strength to walk away. But we haven’t spoken in about four days. My story is so long and so I’m driving out I can’t even begin to write and I don’t have the strength and the courage or the energy. I promise I will someday but for right now please feel our love and our support don’t panic just keep writing and talking I think it’s the only way to get us through any of this. With much love from all of us XX VickiP

          • Needhelp

            G, I’m totally with you on this. I’ve been blocked when he’s been on holiday with his family (I had no intention of contacting him but it made my blood boil!).
            I’ve seen happy pictures of him and his family on his phone screen saver.
            He has the audacity to tell me I shouldn’t date anyone else because he is “faithful” to me and if I do we might as well end it.
            What do I see in this man? He is a total a**hole! I actually feel sorry for his wife. If I was with him I wouldn’t trust him an inch because I know what he is capable of and how he can lie. And yet I can’t get him out of my head!! What is wrong with me? It makes me want to scream!!!

        • Anonymous

          Hi Lara,
          I love the things you mentioned! And the list can be endless, you are so right!
          And I loved the Happy Freedom from Affair Day!! 🙂 Cheers! 🙂

      • Angie

        I thought i was the only one who was jealous seeing the mm happy..i used to feel so guilty for not being happy in his success.. but i see its a universal problem 😝 Here is the list of things i dont miss:
        1. Craving for his crumbs in the name of messages. Constantly looking at my phone for a goodmorning, love u, miss u or any such sweet message n then being disappointed!
        2. Going crazy wen he wud hangup saying ‘call u back in 10 mins’ and wont call for hours
        3. Hearing about his success stories, achievements, more money, abroad trips, perks, n then pretending to b happy wen its his wife whos the beneficiary
        4. Getting a call at 9 am to wish me on my birthday. Wen i didnt take the call, i got wished on a message.
        5. The pain of seeing them do things together as a family: buying grocery, going to shopping malls, doctor appointmnts, his kid’s parents teacher meetings, holidays, movies etc etc
        6. Stalking his & his wife’s social media profiles n wonderin wat he sees in her!
        7. Lieing to my husband all the time & then feeling guilty ‘what if he knows sumthin’
        8. Eagerly waiting for him to visit my city n meet me, n thn being disappointed since he wouldnt
        9. No gifts or surprises. Not even on my birthday!
        10. Hearing n seein him doin shopping for his kid
        11. Hear him talk about his Wife’s Pregnancy & pre pregnancy stories!
        12. Consant fear of his wife getting pregnant again!!
        13. Comparing to how he used to b with me initialy n how is he now
        14. Always listening to him without even being expected to talk abt my problems or anything abt me

      • Nomad

        1,2,8,9

        Sick of his guilt & fear! Sick of his righteousness abt hurting innocent people like his wife & young kids if exposed. His parting words were his kids & survival are his top priorities. He’s irritated by my confrontational conversation abt why he didn’t contact me even on weekdays, why he acted cold, why I always doubt him & needed assurance, he has obviously found me a chore and suddenly, I reminded him of a mistake and he couldn’t wait to steer clear me (over time I’ve settled less for weekend silence)

        NC day 7

        Suddenly He rang my office desk but I didn’t pick up. I continued to block him on mobile. I told myself I needed to protect myself from getting hurt again. Knowing that all he is going to say to me is “how’s work? Are u living ok? Is everything ok?” “Thanks to u, I’ve learnt to romance my wife” “I’m actually better off after ending the affair, no more guilt & fear, no more time wasted on pacifying u” I just know what’s he’s going to say to slap me my face hard. Not giving him any chance to say those heartless words to me. Don’t ever hope he’s crawling back… he’s showing off that he’s better off now? Guilty of dumping me? Trying to b mr. Nice Guy? Happened to be free & bored? Can we be friends? No way! Whatever it is, I’m trying as hard as possible not to suck back to addiction now that I’m on the way to quitting. He’s still the one on my mind when I wake… things went downhill so suddenly in June. I was devastated but there’s now a voice telling me to endure the temptation to even talk to him just to get hurt again. It could be finding out he’s back with his wife, he’s going on a family holiday …as much as I can, I’ll not succumb to anxiety, jealousy, obsession, insomnia etc.

        He showed up at my desk but I didn’t look into his eyes. He asked if he could call me, I asked regarding? If it’s work related, email me. He left. Later, we walked past each other along office corridor, I looked away, he attempted to hold my hand but I shook off as I moved on, not looking into his eyes.

        I m counting my blessings whenever I could catch few hours of sleep at night and able to function at work.

      • Nomad

        June was horrifyingly devastating as he was on the upper hand dumping the side dish after getting sick of it. July was miraculously healing as I seem to have gotten used to blocking him in phone (thanks to him for not contacting me) other then he appeared once every wk at my office desk or rang my office phone few days ago to tell me he missed me but I had reminded him of how cruel he was, so that might turn him off. I managed NOT to look into his eyes when he appeared at my office desk. I plainly asked him if it’s work related.

        Yes, I still think abt him when I hear our songs, visit our regular hangout, walk our path… but I’ll force a thought “it’s ok, it’s over, u r free from pain, guilt, waiting, anxiety, wasting life… list goes on” I have improved as in I stopped hoping n checking for his messages because I know there won’t be. I am able to function better at work, stopped hoping he would ask to meet me for lunch. I’m able to sleep, I know I did because I had 1-2 dreams. Life is boring without romance & lust but somehow the feeling is more realistic now that I’m making effort to quit addiction.

        Yes, at times when I’m vulnerable, it’s just a phone call away to initiate make up sex (but since the heat is off, I’m unsure if he’ll righteously/ morally reject me or he finds me physically unappealing without emotional attachment).

        I’m reminding myself the benefits of quitting this vicious cycle, I will not get to know/find out/ put up with:-

        1. Overseas holiday with family
        2. Take leave to bring family to explore places to bond with kids (whenever I asked him to take leave for us, lots of reluctance n excuses)
        3. How much he loves his kids, cherish time with them,wants to watch them grow up, have dreams for his kids, gives them the best, live their life in a perfect, happy & protected family model
        4. If he found my replacement (caught him once drinking 2x in a week with a bitchy sales rep n followed by late night online chats during I first forced a NC, he repeatedly assured me its platonic but I still feel betrayed even now)
        5. If he has improved his marriage life emotionally n sexually (he said he hasn’t had sex with his wife for few yrs, pathetic but true, wife was sick of him n pushed him away)

        I’ve accepted that it wasn’t true love between us, we were both liars & cheaters so no point asking stupid questions to justify that “beautifully & intensively romantic 13mths”

        I’m taking one day at a time. But I’m thankful that he’s helping by giving me lesser crumbs each passing day… is this the end? Really the end ? I don’t know but I must not waste my time n emotion n space in my mind n heart on him when he’s an asshole in truth

    • Lara

      J,
      These mid games would drive any woman mad! Why not ask him very clearly to NOT talk about her when he is talking to you? Why do you need this minute by minute information? (You sure as heck do not). He is crossing boundaries every which way and no wonder you are spinning! Do not feel badly about needing him for your own emotional needs. So many of us here tend to put our needs aside so others can have their needs met. The trouble is that needing a married person for our own emotional needs is like driving to the hardware store expecting to buy oranges. It does not work!

      • J

        Lara, I’ve also noticed that he cares less and less about my feelings. In the beginning he was so sweet and considerate. Put me before everything. Jumped through hoops for me and always made sure I was okay. He was truly like no other man I ever knew. Made me feel so taken care of and loved. It was like my loving him meant more than anything to him. Now it’s all about him and how his wife feels. My feelings are totally secondary. He changed little by little and now he’s like a different person. I’m letting him treat me like this. If I even act upset or annoyed he gets very frustrated. I just can’t believe how he’s changed. Wow he really tricked me. I can’t believe I let it get this far.

  • Nadine

    Hi all. I’ve read and then re-read every comment on here and I’m so happy to know that I’m not alone anymore. I’m feel so deeply ashamed, guilty and embarrassed about having an affair with an MM. I’ve told 2 close friends about my relationship but I don’t think they realise how deeply upsetting this is to me. It’s like a death I don’t feel like i can ever recover from. My relationship with MM was 100 % platonic for the first 10 years. Last year he started to come on to me and i was totally shocked. Always thought we were just friends. Anyway he apologised for being so forward with me and i forgave him and we decided to be just friends. I don’t even know how it started but we became very flirty with each other (more so MM than me) and of course getting all this attention and at the time i was feeling very lonely, I reciprocated. We had an emotional affair for a year ( no sex but he would sometimes give me oral) In Jan MM had to go away for a couple of months on business. We would message each other constantly throughout the day. I then realised I had deep feelings for him and it was best to end it now so eventually I plucked up the courage and i messaged him and ended it in Feb. He agreed and I was hurt but knew that was for the best. A month later he started messaging me again and our messaging becoming more explicit and then we started video messaging each other every other day and would talk for hours. He came back home in April and the affair turned sexual ( i missed him so much i didn’t care that he was married- selfish I know ) once we had sex our relationship changed. There was no longer the constant messaging and video chatting ( i understood he was back home with the wife so he didn’t have the freedom too) but then in June he relocated to another city and he didn’t even tell me. He subsequently messages me and apologised they moved in a rush!!!! I told him he used me and he told me it was never like that!!!! He has again messaged me telling me he can’t stop thinking of me. My problem is I know his wife and I am very friendly with her mother. I know he is unhappily married and everyone (including her mother) has said he will find someone and run away with them. I have also personally heard the way she talks to him and its disgusting (I’m not trying to excuse my behaviour in anyway). We have never said we love each other but I can see it in his eyes and the way he is with me. He once tried to end it with his wife but got cold feet. I’m deeply in love with him and I just don’t know how to end it. My heart says one thing and my brain says another!!! I keep thinking maybe he will end it with his wife for me but from what i have read here it’s slowly sinking in that that is highly unlikely. Like others have mentioned on here i feel like our relationship was special and one of a kind and i feel this love and connection i havent ever felt with anyone else. Oh and by the way neither of us have ever had an affair before. I am only the second person (besides his wife) that he has slept with. What do i do? I have never cried so much in my life. One minute I’m ok and wanting to end it, the next I can’t live without him!!! I feel like I’m dying inside. Every minute of every day he is on my mind and I feel like I’m going insane!!!!! I just don’t see how i will ever recover from this, I’m so broken.

    • VickiP

      Nadine. I feel your pain. Know what it’s like to die inside, wanting him back, screaming inside you are ending it and going back because you know this time it will change. I have not had the strength to walk away and not sure I can this time. But everyone’s story here has made me stronger. I thought I was different too. I was special. What we had was special. But MM always had an excuse for not leaving.
      I hear your pains and all I can say is keep reading everyone’s story. I wish there was a happy ending. But there isn’t. We need to take back our strength. Get back some control. The roller coaster of emotion is so draining. It’s affecting every aspect of my life. I hear everyone’s pain and if we don’t walk away there’s no stopping it. We can say we will see them less on our terms etc. but the only way to get off the roller coaster is to just jump.

      • Nadine

        Hi vickip. Like you i don’t feel ready to jump off the rollercoaster just yet but will we ever? I wish all of us ladies (and Kevin too😆) could somehow have like an AA group where we support each other because this is the first time I have felt such strength and support from all of these strong women’s stories. No one can ever ever understand until they have lived through what we have. In the media the mistress ( and I HATE HATE that word) is portrayed as some floozy slut eticing a married man. In reality it’s so so different and you feel just as hurt and betrayed as the wife ( that sounds mean because we had a choice and the wife didn’t I spose!!!) I have printed out all the comments ( yup all 62 pages) and will read and reread everytime i want to think of MM. Thank you to all the ladies for your love and support I hope someday soon I can say this was all a learning curve and its made me a stronger and better person xxx

        • G

          I have been posting on here for a few weeks. Today I woke up and felt completely fed up of being tired, sick and stressed over this situation. I thought about how I/we can channel the emotions we have into something positive and healthy in our lives. I don’t think any of these will surprise you so I’m sharing my ideas.

          1) Recover from any addictions/unhealthy coping mechanisms. For me it’s alcohol and I need to stop for many reasons. I guess the mm qualifies as an addiction too. This applies to food, shopping or anything in your life that you know is a problem.
          2) Get back into a regular workout routine. I used to workout 3 to 4 times a week and fell off the wagon. Instead of lying in bed binge watching netflix I can take an hr of my day to do something active.
          3) Make lots of fun plans with people that love you. Stay busy
          4) Update your resume and start looking especially if your other person is at work. That would be me and he is my boss. EEK… talk about hell on earth.
          5) Yoga, meditation, prayer. I do believe life is a reflection of your beliefs. Do you believe that you are worthy of healthy love and deserve the best? I certainly haven’t and here I am.
          6) Weekly therapy
          7) Deep clean your home
          8) Take a class for a hobby that interests you
          9) Join some meetup groups and put yourself out there
          10) When you date give that other person some time before you decide whether there’s chemistry or not.

          Those are just a few changes I’d like to implement in my life to displace the negative energy I harbor. I wish all a happy fourth. If your mm is with his family… F it. Go out and enjoy yourself and the people in your life. Remember you have all of the possibilities in the world. These guys do not. Living well is the best revenge.

    • Lara

      Hi Nadine, I am so so sorry to hear you are in the same boat as so many of us here. Since your affair is relatively new I thought I would just comment on a couple of things you said: “Once we had sex our relationship changed.” (This is a red flag!) “There was no longer the constant messaging and video chatting” (This is not a good sign of adult communication) ( “i understood he was back home with the wife so he didn’t have the freedom too”) (This is an excuse) …”but then in June he relocated to another city and he didn’t even tell me.” (This is a BIG RED FLAG!) He subsequently messages me and apologized they moved in a rush!!!! (This is no excuse) Anyhow, I only point these things out to you because if this were a dating website and you and I were discussing the behavior of single men we were dating who did this to us we would surely call out this behavior as “red flag-ish” etc. And yet we give our MM’s so much latitude to do all kinds of red flag stuff! (because they are ‘married’ and because we want to appear as ‘more understanding’ than their wives they complain to us about….(And we figure maybe they will leave these wives for us one day too) But so often they stay with these so called “difficult wives”….why? Why do they do that? Are the wives truly awful or are they equally awful at resolving conflicts and behaving in adult ways when it comes to communication? Maybe many cheating MM’s are pretty terrible partners and bolt at the first sign of difficulty? We may never have all the answers I am afraid.
      Recently I have been thinking about how much I actually enabled my MM’s bad behavior by allowing him to always use his marriage as an excuse! Why did I do that? I have no idea actually and I did it for a very long time. Why didn’t I hold him to any standard of decency when it came to him respecting my feelings? Why didn’t I demand he communicate with me better? I am not sure yet but I am asking myself these hard questions. My affair went off and on for years but when I think of how much I enabled my MM and how I let him get away with such awful behavior towards me, I really did not help him to become the best person he could be. I let him off the hook repeatedly and he never grew into a better person around me. And yet does not true ‘Love” help us become our best selves and encourage others to be the same way? Now that I am broken up with the MM I have plenty of time to reflect. Try to keep your head AND your heart working together as you evaluate your won situation is my best advice to give. And keep reading here! Sending you a hug, L.

  • G

    I did the worst thing ever and accepted a call from him. He called several times today and finally I answered. We literally screamed on the phone for hours and all I can say is there is no resolution or closure here. I guess walking away is the only closure. I said some really nasty things and don’t feel proud. God, please forgive me. Have any of you lost it and gone crazy? I felt like I stepped out of my body.

    • Lara

      G, have I ever lost it with my MM? Oh my gosh in the first years of my affair HELL YES!!! I did things I never thought I would do and acted all out of control with anger and rage and did all kinds of crap! LOL. Now I just look back and see how frustrated I was with the situation and I try to give myself a break. These affairs are so very emotional and so very trying and they absolutely bring out the worst in us at times. Oh hell yes they do. (BTW As time went in my affair on I stopped with the out of control stuff (it gave him such a great excuse to blame me as “nuts” and “over emotional” etc ) and so then I got MUCH smarter and MUCH better with my anger…..(I learned how to use my anger constructively) ) LOL and then he realized he could never say anything anymore to me about being “out of control” or “nuts” anymore.

  • Kevin the married guy

    At one time I convinced myself that I can love 2 women and would do everything in my power to take care of both them…….it’s not possible someone is going to go lacking it’s just the nature of it.. We plan to break up in September after my birthday don’t think it’s going to work but that’s our plan.. I love her so much and when I go home I’m thinking about her, at the same time I have 4 kids who need their father, I have a wife that caters to my every need, she expresses her love and her appreciation for me all the time. She wasn’t always like this but when I started the affair she started to change.
    The woman that I’m with don’t want me to leave because she feels that its unfair to my family but at the same time don’t want to let me go…………….I really do love her and I wrestled with this confusion every day. She is my soul mate my best friend and I don’t want to do life without her.

  • Kevin

    I never thought I would get involved with another woman, but like so many of the post that I read you work close to an individual and you start having feelings. At the time that I got involved, I was having problems in my marriage and so much was going on in my life. The woman that I got involved with was a strong Christian, very respectable woman and the last person who would get involved in something like this. My point is when you are friends with the opposite sex and you are spending a lot of time things can happened. I never thought our friendship would turn to more than what it is but it did. It’s going on 17 months and it’s been a roller coaster for the both of us. Went from close friends talking about God, to lovers, to both us almost losing our job, to her getting transferred, to us getting caught by my wife (via cell phone) to my wife coming to the job to confronting her, to me trying to leave my wife of 21 years with 4 kids, to us trying to break up. This is not a life I would choose for anyone IF YOU ARE AT CONSTEMPLATING GETTING INVOLVED IN THIS RUN FOR YOUR LIFE……

  • kevin married guy

    As a married man I have had to wrestle with this question since I’ve been in this relationship…..If I really love her, you will do what’s best for her and let her go but at the same time I feel like I love her so much that I can’t let her go. There are times that I wish she would break up with me so that I can start my healing process as well but at the same time I couldn’t imagine my life without her. My point is this is unhealthy on both ends….and how can you really continue to grow as a person when you are in so much emotion turmoil.

  • kevin married guy

    The blog has given me a different perspective on what a woman is going through in this situation. What I can say if your married man really loves you he is experiencing some of the same feelings. The ups and downs, the emotional roller coaster, the anxiety and stress from not hearing from that person when they don’t pick up the phone, the mental confusion and so on. ……….

    • G

      Thanks for sharing your side of the story. I think a lot of people including me have this false perception that it’s a walk in the park for the married individual. I concur with you. If anyone is starting or about to begin an affair… run like hell. It’s really tempting especially if you have a lot of chemistry but there is no happy ending ever. The married individual won’t leave their spouse for you so eventually you’ll want to get out anyway. It’s a very stressful experience for both sides and life is stressful enough without entering into a deceitful, immoral relationship. I read a quote about these scenarios that sums it up very well, “There are no winners, only survivors”. I hope with time and space we’ll all be on the road to recovery. Did you end it with your other woman? I hope you find the strength and courage to call it quits forever. Everyone is suffering and while it may hurt like hell initially, you’ll feel a big sense of relief. I’m going through the grieving process now. A part of me wants him to ask me back but we’ll just end up back in the same place. We both know we need to let each other go. Talk about a tough lesson although it shouldn’t take a genious to know that it’s an incredibly bad idea. WTF were we all thinking.

      • Kevin

        Not yet……. we plan to end it after my birthday in September . The logic behind it, is to give each other enough time to say good by and prepare our minds and emotions for the break up… I know it sounds crazy but I’m not ready deal with the pain of letting her go.

    • Feeling Lost

      Kevin, I have read your posts and I thank you for your perspective on this matter. I have a couple of questions that maybe you can answer. First let me tell you a little about my situation. I was in a relationship for 9 years. He told me that we would never stop seeing each other about 4-5 months ago. Then a couple of weeks later, his spouse was diagnosed with breast cancer. I could feel him pulling away at that time. Then 2 1/2 months ago he told me (through text) that the guilt was too hard for him now and he couldn’t do this anymore. He said his wife’s illness brought that into perspective for him. He then said that he wasn’t trying to be mean and he wasn’t mad at me for any reason but he couldn’t be in contact with me anymore because he needed the distance (because it was too hard for him). He said for me not to get mad if he didn’t respond to me if I tried to contact him. Our relationship has been a roller coaster ride as well and at times quite difficult. I thought he was my best friend and losing that friendship has been the hardest thing for me. Is it possible to be together for that long and him not love me? Do you think he will ever come back? Do guys come back? I have tried to contact him a couple of times and he has either blocked me or just isn’t responding to my texts. He has deleted me from all social media even though I haven’t tried to contact him through those applications. I feel so lost. I am going to a counselor now who is helping me through the grieving process and I am doing better. But I can’t just stop loving him. I don’t think anyone can if they truly love someone. I am going to go on with my life because I have to for my sake and my family’s sake (I am married with kids as well). But it’s hard to give up hope….should I give up hope?

      • Kevin

        Sorry that you have to go through this but know that you have a purpose and there is hope for a brighter future. In reference to your question I think we all to deal with the L word, I believe that is the root of what we are all dealing with in this type of relationship. Is this really love? How could he act like this if he really loves me? If he really loves me how can he easily let go? When you put so much time, energy, emotions, and effort to having this type of relationship you want to know that this is love. As much as I love this woman and much as she tells me and show me……I still wrestled with is this Love…. I think once we honestly answer this question, this will help you move forward. Real love is not moved by emotions, feelings or convenience…. Take the love test 1 Corinthians 13.

      • Kevin

        I can’t speak for him rather it was love or an affair addiction……. I know someone who was in relationship for 8 years and they both was married and one day she ended it abruptly and it bothers me that they where in the relationship so long and she can just ended as if it never existed and no real excuse for why. When I try to get an explanation of why the only thing we come up with is that that the only way she could move on and for her sanity she had to end it that way. I think if my wife was sick with that illness…. I think I would try to cut it for my sanity sake. To be in this type of relationship going back and forward between 2 women is tough enough and theres a lot of inner turmoil. I believe in order for him to be strong for his wife he needs to let go especially if he is dealing with guilt….. Probably feels like his wife got the short end of the stick with the relationship that you had and the the sickness that she has now and want to make it right.

        • Kevin

          Do men come back…… I think some men do come back ….. I have told my lover plenty of times that she can’t go and I don’t want to live life without her….. with that being said once I get the strength to go I don’t want to come back for her sake and my sake once I’m free from this I’m not getting back involved with this again to much pain….. I question a mans motive to come back after they had left…. you have to remember that there is a lot of reasons why men fall into this relationship and it’s not because of love I think there are some things that is unhealthy about men who do this……….. If I leave and come back it’s because of the Affair addiction and just miss the feeling we had together or if i really love her I’m coming back to take her as my wife……..Either way I think it’s good that you let him go especially if you have a family to…..

          • Feeling Lost

            Thank you. One of the biggest upsets is that he told me that we could be friends again one day and now he is totally gone.

            Thanks for your insight. I appreciate your response.

    • Lara

      Kevin thank you so much for your perspective on this. You sound just like the rest of us: tortured and full of conflicting emotions. Is there ever a graceful way out of an affair I wonder? I never seem to hear of any graceful gentle exits…I only hear about intense struggles full of loneliness, pain and acute despair. I agree with what G said: “There are no winners, only survivors”. If you are new to this PLEASE GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN! Affairs really suck in fact.

  • Lara

    Hello I wanted to post an update. I saw MM hand in hand with his very pretty wife after an off and on 20 year affair with him and almost “died”. It felt like a knife went through my heart, But, like someone else said here, I realized the hard way my affair only bolstered their marriage in the long run! He felt guilty and showered her with gifts and lots of jewelry and “prizes” and she stuck around all these years in quite a nice home and lifestyle (except for her cheating husband). I got addicted to the highs of the initial love bombing period with the MM but kept breaking up and going back to him as I realized more and more he was never ever going to leave her. Ever! So here I am; I have survived seeing the the two “love birds walking hand in hand”. I have gone NC with all phone internet text etc But now since he was laid off and can’t find another job within his other industry he his back running his cafe next door to my house right where I met him and so now I must deal with seeing (from afar) him all the time in public. AARRGGHHHH. This is so unbearably hard. I have consulted some “experts” on how to best handle this situation but I can tell you that seeing him on the sidewalk, bumping into him at the local stores, all these random little “bump-ins” make me me feel bloody AWFUL. Sad, furious, and depressed all rolled into one. Him? He he seems unfazed! No pain all smiles…like not a care in the world! He sees me and gives me a big (fake-looking) grin and waves to me and acts all normal like nothing ever happened between us to cause me such emotion. And there are often other people there when he does this so he is “protected”.
    It has been suggested to me by people I have consulted with to avoid all run-ins “as much a possible” and to “act as neutral as possible” and yes I am trying to do this. But he has also taken to parking in front of my house, and sitting outside in the garden of his cafe where he can see me if I enter or leave my house. These activities making a “bump-in” all the more likely. At the moment I am on holiday away from home true where I can see the difficulty of this situation. I also have to tolerate seeing him with his wife at his place of work on weekends, especially Friday nights. So that is my update. A bad situation as far as I am concerned. But selling my home (which is also MY business of many years) is out of the question. However I am beginning to wonder if I need to rent out my living section and move away? I know I am dealing with a narcissist at long last and I know his behavior is “by the book” and that was he is seeking from me is ATTENTION of ANY kind: Love, hate, anything strong and visible on my part that lets him know I am still affected by him. And I am affected! But I must act like I am not affected. That is why I have been advised to remain calm and neutral and indifferent to him. This is easier said than done however bu I persist. AARGGHHH I truly wish I had never ever met this MM guy and that I wish that had been strong enough to find myself my own man, a good man with a good heart. I think I deserve that now. I think I have suffered enough in the hands of the MM. His wife seems to be just as oblivious to the truth as he is. I have wasted so long in this mess; I really hate myself at times. But I am trying to heal and learn how to love and forgive myself too. I do a lot of prayer and meditation these days believe me! I am sending courage to you all!

  • J

    I wish I had advice to give. How can I give it when I have no idea what I’m doing! My mm says he loves me so much and we are destined to be together. Today his wife had a lumpectomy for breast cancer. She will be fine, they caught it early. But I find this whole situation disgusting. I’m so disgusted with myself. I’m disgusted with him. But he constantly reassures me how much he loves me. He only loves her like an old friend and mother of his adult children. Either way I’m sick of everything!!!! Sorry, needed to vent. So hard because I can’t talk to anyone about this dirty secret. Ughh! One more question, I hope I get responses about this because the question haunts me. He swears they haven’t been intimate in 2years. Is he lying?

    • Lara

      Hi J, I understand your haunting question. SO many MM’s say things like yours said to you. The only two people who really know the answer are the MM and his wife but I would place my bets on him lying to you about on this. It is “THE” lie every MM uses to get any of us involved. Why would ANY man who wants an affair tell the whole the truth in this instance? And how would any man get any mistress if he admitted to her he was still sexually active with his wife? To me it is illogical that any married couple has had no sex at all for two years. Unless they were heading for separation and divorce. Especially if they still sleep in the same bed! But as long as a husband and a wife are in the same house I find such a claim highly doubtful.

    • G

      Mine told me the same thing although she is really overweight so I’m not sure what to believe. Either way we’ll all end up hurt. I wish I never got involved but can’t look back. I’m hoping the ending will galvanize me into positive action. This was a forced ending due to the holidays and him taking a fam vacation so we wouldn’t be able to see each other for weeks. I know it’s a big blessing but right now it hurts like hell. I think we all have the same story. They’re hot and cold, sex is the best in the world, you miss them when they’re away but resent them in your presence. You have all experienced the anguish, sadness, jealousy, frustration, despair, neediness, fear, longing, confusion that goes along with this hellish scenario. When I write this down I truly wonder what I’m really going to miss. IDK about the rest of you but it’s not like we could spend a lot of time together. God I hope time and space will heal this heart. I wish you all the very best. I feel like I lost a best friend and my worst enemy.

    • VickiP

      Me too. And so grateful for the stories. I keep saying he’s different. And then I read exactly what is happening to me in my hear stories. How do I stop this. Each time I try NC I lose it. I keep saying I love him so much. Do I? I feel so hurt and also degraded each time he walks away.
      Any advise is so appreciated.

  • Mara

    Hi girls 😀 Sorry, I didn’t manage the NC and went back to him! We spent amazing time together but we’re back to the hot and cold 😣 he’s a cancer and the mood swing is one of his traits 😫 fortunately I just got a new job, I’ll meet other people, maybe I’ll stop thinking constantly about him and manage somehow to get over him! I really miss him and I think I’m falling in love 😭

    • Mara

      He almost never talks about her or complains and I’m not jealous of her, not even a little bit, I don’t know why…is there any of you in this situation?

  • Nomad

    4 days of NC… is this it? He’s never coming back? 1st time, in the past 13.5mths and hundreds of me wanting to end us, he could endure zero contact and not finding ways to contact me… I should thank him because this is the outcome I’ve been wanting to achieve so that I can move on. But I miss him even more! I’ve actually forgotten his betrayal in one of the many NC I’ve started (beer with another woman who’s been waiting to pounce on him), I’ve actually forgotten the draining vicious cycle of his hot n cold treatment triggered by his guilt n fear towards his kids n wife, I’ve forgotten the agony and anxiety of endless waiting n obsessive phone checking, I’ve forgotten the pain of enduring the jealousy…

    I think I’m still hoping that he would come back to me… what’s wrong with me! I’ll never heal!!!

    • Anonymous

      Hi Nomad,
      I was ill with a terrible flu (still ill, but getting better). I read your previous post when you described your last contacts with a MM. I am a little confused, are you in a complete NC or are you actually still seen him thru work occasions (I saw you guys texted, he came to your desk, etc.)?
      You asked very good questions in your previous post. You asked how it can be that you would solidify your MM marriage if he tells you he feels guilty about the affair. Well, that’s exactly how it works. First of all, you do not really know how/if he really feels guilty, just because he was telling you this it doesn’t mean he really feels that. And even if he felt guilt in the beginning, it quickly diminishes, otherwise, he would not be in a relationship with you for 13 months. He may still feel some guilt, however, it works towards his marriage, not towards the affair. Why? Because when a guy feels guilty, he tries to make it up to his wife, gives more attention to her, gifts, restaurants, vacations, etc. This creates a response reaction from his wife, and it gives both of them like another honeymoon phase (which can actually grow with time, thanks to you…). Someone here mentioned that after 20 yrs of the affair she saw her MM hand in hand with his wife, like two romantic partners. It’s not surprising, because the affair lady was providing a “third wheel” to his marriage.
      After some time of being married, some people (usually men) start feeling the void (spark goes away, routine is here, of course every couple has disagreements, etc.). So he starts looking for it outside of his marriage instead of working it thru with his wife. MM would do anything to win your attention and to make you feel like you are the best woman in the world. He would pursue you way more than a single guy. MM has to really charm you, so that you become emotionally trapped. If you do not become trapped, he will move to someone else. But if you are, he will go out of the way to win you and have an affair.
      Please believe me, it doesn’t matter how you behave/behaved in that relationship, it would still go the same pattern. Very high level of infatuation (from both sides), amazing sex, amazing connection (like it’s the first time in your life, like you met your soulmate), etc. However, after a short time things would start to change to a rollercoaster. He gets thru the phase of the spark/winning new woman specially in a forbidden relationship, then he calms down. Cause now he realizes that his wife is a good lady and he needs to pay more attention to her. So he will start gosting you, appearing when he feels ok to communicate with you, disappearing when he is not ok. His family becomes even higher priority to him than ever before. But for you its different. You already became addictive to this amazing feelings he was giving you, and you want it more and more at any cost. It’s not love, it’s addiction. Like in drug/alcohol addiction, you brain wants to feel that “high” high that MM was giving you, and then it goes downwards. You feel so low like extremely low… Our brain is addictive to rollercoaster feeling, emotional addiction is as strong as a drug addiction. Your practical side may keep telling you that this relationship is destroying your self-esteem, your self-worth, etc. You are always trying to reach the unreachable because after he tells you sweet things, he goes to his wife to provide for her and to cherish her, and not you. That’s very very damaging for the woman’s self-esteem… And very sad.

      The way you described how he was occasionally coming to your desk, texting not important stuff just showed that he was enjoying the feeling that you suffer (so he feels like a winner, it’s a very pleasant feeling). He can sense it even if you try not to show it. And it boosts his self-esteem.

      Actually, the way you behaved in your affair most likely prolonged the infatuation stage of the affair, you were actually boosting his predator/men’s instincts and he had to keep winning you over and over. Had you behaved all “sweet”, his calmness towards you would show up way sooner. But it still would go the same direction, regardless, even if you were “sweet girl”, etc. or if you were insecure and destructive (who the hell could feel secure in such a relationship? and believe me, he is very aware why you behaved that way).

      Why I chose your story to respond to? Because it’s like a copy-past of my own story 🙂 I behaved the same way you described, and then after some months he got tired of it, and I kept blaming myself, repeating like a parrot that if I behaved well he would not lose interest, that I overwhelmed him with my insecurity and clinginess, and that he was the best man I ever met, he was the only one who was able to really “get” me and that I may never find someone like him again, I lost my chance, etc. My brain was like on a circle, same thing over and over, regardless of what others were telling me, even regardless of what professional therapists were telling me. I was blaming myself so much, because in my mind I was the only one who destroyed the affair. And I wanted him back badly, I was checking my phone every minute, sometimes several times a minute, I was obsessed.
      Can you recognize yourself a bit in my short story?
      I am still feeling ill, can’t write more now, but if you have more questions or would like to conversate further, feel free to respond to my post. I know that right now every minute feels like a year for you…. very painful, and plus you keep blaming yourself over and over which makes it unbearable….
      I most likely made lots of typos, but again cannot go over my post, too long and I am getting tired (still having a fever).
      You are not alone Nomad!!

      • J

        So many good points. I totally agree, we are enabling their marriage to go on and perhaps even grow stronger. Now the mm no longer sees all of his wife’s flaws. Instead he feels guilt and wants to make it up to her by being extra nice.

  • Needhelp

    Hi all,
    I’ve read some of the other comments on here and can totally identify with the feelings and frustration.
    I split up with an abusive partner 5 years ago. At the time i had three children under the age of 4. It was a really hard time for me – i had lost pretty much everything, my house, everything in it… but i knew i had made the right decision. About six months after this happened a guy from work started paying me a bit of attention – just smiles, hellos etc but i could tell there was some attraction between us. If I’m honest i enjoyed it – it was nice to feel attractive to someone again. Then one day he sent me an email out of the blue and we ended up chatting. He gave me a lift home from work and we kissed. It was around that time i found out he was married. He didnt deny it and at that point i should have ended it. But i couldnt do it. I think looking back i just couldnt deal with any more heartache at that time, even for a short lived crush as it was at that time.
    Anyway, things carried on- texting, lifts home from work, kissing and then things went further. At first his attitude was very much ‘this is just a bit of fun’ but it was too late for me by that stage already. I dont know why but i had really strong feelings for him. I knew i was in a bad situation however and made a point of dating other people thinking that ‘when i meet someone i like i can just end it with him and i wont get hurt that way’. Well i totally messed that up…
    We went through a period of not being in touch very much and during this time i did indeed meet someone i liked. Then the MM found out about it. I was honest with him that id been dating other people and he had never said he had a problem with it. However he asked me if i liked this guy and i said yes. I think MM realised this guy was different, especially as me and him hadnt been in touch very much at the time. It was at this point he started telling me he had feelings for me and wanted to be with me and how it was all but practically over with his wife. To cut a long story short i ended up breaking up with the new guy for the MM. Crazy i know 🙁
    So another two years later he is still not split up frim his wife. He stays at his mums house as she is in poor health. He says his wife is happy about this as she doesnt want him in the house…but he still hasn’t had a conversation with her about their relationship being over. He keeps saying he’ll do it in his own time in his own way.
    Ladies i am so miserable, i want him so much but he wont choose me. He says his relationship with his wife is all but over but wont end it. I have given him too long already. I told him a couple of weeks ago i didnt want to continue until he had sorted his situation but he said he cant at the moment for various reasons. He says i need to let him do it in his own time. I know im wasting my own time. The worst of it is i have met another guy who seems really nice but i just cant get this MM out of my head. I know i need to be strong and go through with what i said and not see him but im scared i cant do it. I cant bear to think of not seeing him again. My heart breaks every day. I cant bear to go a day without hearing from him. How do i do it? Ive not told anyone about this situation as i know it looks bad on me. I dont want to be labelled a homewrecker. I never thought that would be me. Im so angry at myself for ending up here. But i dont know whether im strong enough to get out of it.
    Please if anyone has some advice…i have no one to talk to about this. i feel so down i dont want to get out of bed in the morning. But thats not an option with kids to look after and a full time job…
    Im so sorry for all you others in a similar situation. It hurts so much and its a very lonely place to be..:( xxx

  • Yoona

    Im struggling too to break my relationship with a married man. One day iwas determined to break up the next day i miss him. I am also stuck with this relationship, my emotion is too strong. He is my boss . He did everything to win my affection. He accompanies me everywhere, shops with me, having lunch or dinner together. I fall inlove with him deeply as he made feel so special. He is the only person who made me feel that way, it was different, like a dream. But as time goes by we had lots of fight. He is overly jealous into almost ,not all, every man i just talked too. He promises to leave his wife someday. Hes got five kids though. Yet its been 1 and a half year. No sign of leaving. Im so fed up. Im hurting, im in pain, he throws a lot of nasty words on me whenever he is angry. He is uncontrolled. It was painful and self destructing. Im so down. My head says imust leave nomatter what. But my feelings, my heart cant let him go. Inspite of being treated harshly. I know this stupid but im so weak and having a hard time controlling my emotions. I kept on going back and back to square one again. We were both working on the same company, same team. So imagine how hard it is for me end this.

  • Rebecca

    Hi ladies,

    Bit of advice needed? I know I am completely wrong but I am in love with a married man (30 years my senior and also my boss) I know it is wrong on so many levels but I am so young it is the only thing I know. He tells me how much he loves me and how his marriage is a train wreck and he is only staying there for the children. I am very mature for my age and I understand that this is all lies and the thought of a future with him is completely out of the question as being the other woman I already can’t cope with his lies and pure lack of respect for me at times. I just can’t seem to get away from these feelings for him, every time I break it off with him he waits a day turns into ‘Mr nice guy’ who can’t live without me and will figure something out. He lures me back in and within two days he is back to his disrespectful self again! I know this is a vicious circle but if you have any tips on how I break away from this I would greatly appreciate the advice! My heart is already broken and I am so scared of my life without him because he is the only one there for me when I am upset or down because no one else knows about the affair – I have become dependant on him for my sanity and it is horrible!

    • Lara

      Dear Rebecca, The best advice I can give you is this: Stay here and read through the stories here and get to know the dynamics of an affair. Try to let some logic in and let logic guide your heart if at all possible. So many married men are liars and they use us women because we are so much more about “emotion” than logic. Thus we are very vulnerable to emotional manipulations. The fact that this man is so much older than you and also your boss makes the whole thing much much worse for you as he has complete power over you! This is not good. Affairs often put us in great danger emotionally (and sometimes physically/financially as well). Try to tell a trusted friend and have her help you to plan an escape from this man. He is NOT looking out for your best interests no matter what he tells you! I wish you the best. I truly hope you do not end up wasting as many years as I did in my affair, blinded to the truth by my emotion (my love) for my ex MM. Read read read here!!! I have been around the affair block many many times and speak from experience, sadly. So do all the women here. You will find much wisdom here.

  • claire

    The breakup was horrific and I am in deep, deep pain. It did not go according to my ‘fantasy’ and backfired in the most horrible way.

    In trying to break up with him previously on numerous occasions, I have had two major breakdowns where the physical pain was so unbearable .

    My writing probably is scrambled – if this makes no sense, please bear with me and get the gist of what I am trying to say. I can’t yet talk about our relationship.

    It probably is going to take me a long long time, if ever to get through this pain. G d, it hurts so much.

    Before, when I had tried to break it off, I had two major attacks- heart felt like it was stabbed repeatedly, throat tight, skin on fire, head exploding, stomach, a cauldron.

    Once, I told him I can’t do this anymore, then literally begged him not to leave, felt like I was going to die.

    On a Sunday night , after the unbearable loneliness of previous Saturday night and my teenage daughter being very disrespectful, I had found myself in emergency, feeling like I was having a heart attack . Diagnosed with’ broken heart syndrome’. I told the doctor the pain was too much I felt t like I wanted to die. ( i did not want to commit suicide only the pain to go away) .
    Found myself in a nightmare – being admitted in psych ward. Luckily i was discharged in two days with enforced medication.
    He had admitted to his wife afterwards that he was still seeing me. I can’t go into all the details now, but I never knew whether I was coming or going with him. This last week was the first time we had spent a few nights together and they were beautiful . I wanted to break it off after each one of them. ( knowing the more I am in love with him the more difficult it would down the road and an extreme sense of abandonment). Oh , the pain. It hurts so much. I can’t live with him and can’t live without him.
    ( He is separated from his wife , living in a separate room since he told her about us).
    He has been telling lies to save both relationships. My jealousy, unmet emotional needs ,insecurity seeking validation from him when our relationship is tilted more towards sexual love and my heightened sense of abandonment has brought me to the depths of despair.

    When I told him I did not want to see or hear from him again, horrible things were said on both sides we had a scuffle and he said I pushed him to the’ gutter.’ I am slightly more than half his weight.

    Oh, this backfired so badly.
    I want him so much now. I miss him. My heart is broken.
    It is over as far as he is concerned.

    • VickiP

      My heart breaks for you. And I wish I didn’t know the pain you are going through but I do. Talk to someone. Get it out. I used to hold it in and I almost died. Literally so I know the feeling.
      Write it down. Get it out. Something or you will explode. I hate that you said you told him to leave an and begged him to stay. I’ve done it. So many times.
      Be strong. We are here for you. Sending you much love. Anything g else I say would seem like a lie we all know time doesn’t heal this and the pain is horrible.

    • Lara

      Oh dear Claire I feel your pain. I am so sorry to hear about your agony. The pain is real and it is a red flag. I have said that my wake up call: the night I saw my ex MM walking down the street HAND IN HAND with his wife, (very recent) when he had told me for so many years they were “not romantic” but just “co-parents”..just “friends” etc…”they were not like “us” we were so “sexual/loving” etc….”I was a ‘ten’ to him romantically and she was a ‘one'” (supposedly…all lies i now know). I felt such a searing pain in my heart as well. You said “I had two major attacks- heart felt like it was stabbed repeatedly, throat tight, skin on fire, head exploding, stomach, a cauldron.” Yes my heart feels hot even thinking about what I saw in front of my own house that night. It was one of the worst moments of my whole I life in fact. But it was a wake up call a much needed wake up call! I needed a really hard smack in the face to wake up or I never would have believed my ex MM was capable of such treachery. I really believed and trusted him and I really thought I truly loved him. My affair has gone off and on for years and years with zero resolution. Nothing would ever change unless I got out. He is not going anywhere and these MM’s seldom do! They love this cake and eating it too thing, think about it. And I could not get out with out that wake-up call. And now that image is helping me do just that. I am getting out despite the fact that he is working right next door to my house and hoovering me constantly this past week. (He parks his car in front of my house; he sits around outside at his cafe of my house waiting for me to come outside etc etc.) Go to narcsite.com and hear an avowed narcissist explain his behavior. And explain what types of women get sucked up in these awful situations (empathic/highly emotional/loving women like ourselves!) Claire: I try and remember I was in in the throes of a love addiction and I try to remember the first few days and weeks out of an affair are as bad as going cold turkey from heroin. The pain is HORRENDOUS yes. But it does get better. It really does get better with time apart. I never believed this before but it does when you let go, really let go. And start the long process of building a whole new life one day at a time. I have used Jesus and I have used Hindu chants I found on-line and every other spiritual means I can think of to try to place myself in the care of a loving higher power. Any Higher Power will do. But I have “Let Go” and I will try to “Let God.” I am reading nightly about narcissists and how they discard women and use women so easily and why they do this. I am beginning to understand, yes I am. But the pain is intense yes it is. I try to just feel the pain and let it go. One day this pain will make me stronger and it can do that for all of us here on this blog. We are here on this blog like in an “emergency room” of women who have been gravely wounded in the heart. But it is up to US to get out and to rescue ourselves from this madness. My ex MM would be only too happy to hear I “still love him…still need him” He will play this out til the day we die if I let him. But he is a treacherous lying selfish mother -f–r and I have no more use for his bull sh-t! His wife can have him and so can the next mistress! (and there will be another no doubt as there were others in the past each time i broke up with him). I no longer want any part in the lie he is perpetuating on his wife. She is another victim. Even if I despise the woman (and I do for a variety of reasons) she too is another victim and does not deserve this bull sh-t anymore than I do! I don’t feel like being used in order to hurt her anymore. Or to hurt anyone else. Ask yourself: How can this be “love” when it causes this kind of pain and devastation? Truly this is NOT LOVE. But it sure is “something else” isn’t it? UGH

  • Lois

    Hey, Ladies. As I expected, my mm came back from his family vacation and is in a great mood. He has told everyone it was the best vacation ever and telling them all about it. My office is down the hall. As he is was walking down the hall, he is very happy and stopped asked a colleague how they were doing. She asked about vacation; he replied great. He finished with her and kept right on walking passed my office. He did not say a single word…did not even look my way. So, I taking that as my sign that he has decided once again that the guilt is too much. Why do I put myself through this emotional chaos? I had a sickening feeling before he left but right now, I just want to go home, I have fought the back the tears several times. Please keep me in your prayers. I really need your strength and God’s forgiveness! I cannot concentrate on my work and knew it would be like this…been down this road too many times!!!

    • Lara

      Lois, I think many of us were probably emotionally abused at one point. Who else would be able to endure what we do day after day? We endure emotional abuse and yet we repeatedly cll it “love”. Try to look back in your life and see if there are any clues as to why you behave like this now. I am working with a therapist to do this and finding all the answers plain as day. But until now, I was not ready to see them because it was just much too painful.

    • G

      Hi Lois, my mm is also at work and it’s hell on earth. He is going on a three week family vaca and we ended it a few days ago bc I couldn’t endure the idea of not seeing him for over a month. I’m hoping I can convert this awful, sad energy into something positive and productive. I’m having major withdrawals and feel like I don’t know if I’ll have the strength to get past this. I took the day off after we ended it and literally drank two bottles of wine in bed. Talk about coping in a healthy fashion… not. We were emailing back and forth all day and I know I need to cut all contact unless it’s business related but in the last six months I talk to him more than anyone in my life. As I said in an earlier post, I feel like I’m losing my best friend and worst enemy. I think we have to treat this like any addiction and push through the pain of absence. Every time you give in and go back you lose all progress and revert back to square one. If your mm had such a great relationship he wouldn’t have ended in your arms. I’m telling you there is a deficiency in his relationship and there’s nothing worse than being lonely with someone. At least we have the possibility of something great and a fresh start.

  • Jailynn

    I can’t believe how much this forum has helped me. I had a great few days with my MM. We spent 2 days together, art museums, intimate dinners, coffee, wine, intimate nights, walks, breakfast in bed. Such a fantastic time. He’s truly my best friend, we talk about everything. He’s always there for me and goes out of his way for me. If I told him I needed a particular book, he would hunt it down for me. He goes out of his way to see me anyway he can. This man loves me. I’m sure of it. We are so compatible. He feels such guilt because of his wifes impending breast cancer surgery. I’m so worried about what’s going to happen in a few weeks. And I feel so selfish for saying so. I understand he needs to be there to help her through. I do feel somewhat empty tonight. After our beautiful weekend and now he’s playing family man for Father’s Day. It sucks.

    • Samantha

      He’s not playing family man. He is family man. That’s the hard part, and what we deal with. It sucks. I get it. Today again I tried to tell MM that he can’t provide me with what I need, and it’s not fair for both of us. His response was, you want me to tell you to leave so you can go get laid by someone else?

      He won’t let me go. Yes, I can block him if I so choose, but I don’t want to. Sigh.

  • VikiP

    I wanted to thank you all these posts are a life saver just as I feel like I’m drowning. My MM who made promises and plans has gone MIA once again being non responsive to emails. I’m distraught and exhausted as I have been going through this for close to 8 yrs on and off. I will write my story because I want your feedback. But I feel the panic attacks on the horizon. He will resurface at some point and I need to tell him it’s over. The thought is terrifying but I know it’s the right thing to do. Especially after reading all your posts. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.

    • Lara

      Oh yes the MO of most of these MM’s is the MIA thing. I swear they ALL do it! Then they call us too “needy” when we say we are not okay with their behavior. And when they return we welcome them with open arms! So in a way I totally trained my MM to abuse me over the years. Because he always knew that sooner or later I would come back! No More!

  • claire

    Thank you, Laurie, for this space.

    And every women on this blog forum who is/ has gone through extreme heart pain.

    Just the other day my whole world was completely upside and last night was one the highest of highs on this rollercoaster of love.
    He could/ did not answer his phone today after sending me the pedestrian ‘I love you ‘and ‘miss you ‘which really only takes a few seconds to type out.
    Last night in between love making sessions he had answered his phone past midnight and then made up a sophisticated excuse to scuttle back home. We were supposed to have spent the night together.
    Quietly, after the most beautiful lovemaking/ sex last night , and intimations of a future together , I have decide to never ever want to see or hear from him again.
    He can text and call until the cows come home. He can stalk me and bash my door down. It is too late.
    Theatrics, love bombs, empty promises, heart rending entreaties, apologies, soliloquies of ‘I can’t live without you ‘, ‘you can’t do this to me’, yadda yadda yadda, blackmail- no more.
    It is over.

    • Jailynn

      What made you decide this is it? I’m feeling so down too. We too has an awesome few days together, so intimate and beautiful love making. But after Father’s Day I’m detecting a slight difference in his attitude. I know exactly what’s coming next. He’s gonna say he can’t handle the guilt anymore. His wife decided to go to church with him for the first time in years, she’s so phony, and knowing him, that was just enough to start up the guilt. I don’t want to be subjected to these ups and downs anymore. But I love him so much and he’s my best friend. When will enough be enough?

    • Nicole

      Hey Claire.. just reading this and curious if he has come bak and how everything is going. I want to get to that strength again. And I want him to try to fight for me again so I can show him that he lost his chance. He’ll come back eventually right, they always do.

  • Nomad

    I just lost the love of my life after 13mths of testing his patience with countless flip flops between being obsessive and avoidant. I have drained him mentally and emotionally. I’ve pushed him away countless times but he would always find his way back to me but not this time. Saw him yesterday after 1wk of no contact and he said he got used to life without me, one that’s less turbulent and able to focus on work and family. My heart broke and I know this time he has finally stopped trying to come back. He has managed to quit the vicious cycle. But how could he move on, adjust within a week when we had a roller coaster 13mths together?! When it was high, we knew our love was once in a lifetime type. How could he now look into my eyes without a tinge of attachment?
    Every other day I would be attacked by anxiety/insecurity/constant validation/fear of being abandoned/dwell on the negative/ feeling the extreme and switched into avoidant mode at the slightest trigger.
    What shall I do now to get him back??? I’m feeling so awful. Isn’t this what I wanted when I always tell him enough is enough, let’s end and cut off all contact! He obliged this time and I am crying my heart out, in state of disbelief…

    • Samantha

      Nomad,

      Big hugs to you. It is unbelievable hard, this life we live. I also become insecure and do the avoid/run to him crap. I’m not single, but I am going to be leaving my husband soon. There is no love there. I know my MM isn’t going to leave his wife and family. I never asked or thought he would. What we have is convenient for both of us, but particularly for HIM. I feel the heartache every day, but it is what it is right now. I’ve tried to end it a couple of times, and he keeps telling me that isn’t happening, that he won’t allow it to happen, to just get that thought right out of my head. Ugh. And so it goes on.

      We are here for you!

    • Anonymous

      Dear Nomad, please do not blame yourself for the failure of this affair! You were going thru a roller coaster with that MM, so your reactions were very normal. And it takes two to Tango, he had his own part in the play. And his part was way more significant than yours, even though he appeared to “tolerate your behavior” and such. Simply because he was the one triggering your behavior. See what you wrote “we knew our love was once in a lifetime type” – this is not love, if he loved you, he would already be with you and not with his wife. And your question “How could he now look into my eyes without a tinge of attachment?” has a simple answer – because your perception of that relationship was totally different from his. He enjoyed the “side dish” that was giving him fresh air in his marriage. Of course he kept returning back to you! Because he needs the side dish in order to stay married to his wife. And he will try to get back to you again, believe me. If you take him back, please be aware that even if you start behaving “all good, loving, stable, etc.”, this will not change anything in your relationship with your MM. You will actually help your MM to solidify his married life with his wife, his marriage will actually get extra fuel and relationship with his wife will be getting better thanks to you (if you keep relationship with him). Do you really want to keep suffering while making lives of that MM and his wife better?? If you walk away, he will have to look for another affair lady, there is nothing about love from his side.
      Please stop blaming yourself, you did nothing wrong. It’s a normal reaction when a man that says “he loves you” is actually living with another woman, his wife, cherishes that another woman, supports her, etc. It’s him who placed you thru all that crap.
      He will try to get back to you, that’s a sure thing, but please save yourself and do not take him back.
      Your post really touched me, so I was trying to write really fast. I apologize if I was not very clear (don’t have time to re-read my comment), have to go now.

      • Lara

        Anonymous I totally agree with you when you say, “You will actually help your MM to solidify his married life with his wife, his marriage will actually get extra fuel and relationship with his wife will be getting better thanks to you (if you keep relationship with him). Do you really want to keep suffering while making lives of that MM and his wife better?? If you walk away, he will have to look for another affair lady, there is nothing about love from his side.” Yes we help these guys stay married isn’t that the biggest irony of all? We think we are “helping them out in a bad situation” (and they manipulate us into believing this lie). Meanwhile their marriage becomes BETTER because they have us on the side. From their perspective they really do get to have their cake and eat it too. So now post break up with the MM in my life, I can honestly say I hope my ex MM finds a mistress that rats his a-s out to his wife! I can never be the person to do this because he is my neighbor and because it will cause too many problems for ME and for my sons. But I am just praying that he gets himself one of these day finally! But he is so very slick……an expert at manipulation if you will….so maybe it will never happen. Oh well…whatever. I am done that is all I really need to know.

      • Nomad

        Hi Anonymous,
        Another week has passed. I’ve unblocked him just to find out he did not call or text me at all. He hid his last seen online. He has practically disappeared from my life and I had imagined that he moved on well, having great fun bonding with his wife & 2 young kids. Nothing is new, mm loves his kids and settles on a 10yr marriage with no sparks & sex for recent few yrs for the sake of his kids and responsibilities towards the wife so he said. He will not divorce yet he said I was the one for him if he’s single. Cliche I know. I hate this phase which wasted the whole of June. A phase whereby my mind & heart are still conflicting. NC would never go pass 3 days! Always reset and I’m feeling hopeless. He would appear in front of me looking normal and asked how’s my work , how m I but he stopped the text & call & dates. Seeing him is very difficult and triggered my heartache and I couldn’t function. Seeing him acting indifferent towards me within days hurts me even more. I thought I healed but truth is I haven’t. Still hoping to get his goodnight good morning, still wishing we could travel back in time to the madly in love days. Sad that I don’t even need to enforce NC.

        Yesterday he came to my desk again to take a quick glance at me. He text me that he was coming to my office for a meeting. I involuntarily replied shall I avoid him? He said crap. I asked if he missed me. He replied how I know. I replied I don’t know. He replied now I should know. He asked if I missed him. I stopped replying until late at night I rang him for a chat asking him how’s he and reminded him we couldn’t b friends. I told him I don’t miss him. Yes I lied. The fact that I rang him was because I missed him terribly and hoping he begged me to take him back. But he didn’t! He said he’s been bz working and planning day off to bring kids to beaches and fun. Then he said he’s tired and going to sleep. Cold as ice. We hang up. That night I was wide awake through out but I didn’t cry.

        So 13mths (romance, love making, 1st to text when he woke, last to text when he slept, soulmates, once in a lifetime love) was nothing after all. I dreamt too long. I wasted 13months & neglected my own kids in teens. He gave up on me on us after hundreds times of me wanting to end it in a cry wolf manner, triggered by my anxiety attacks and dump-him-b4-he-dump-me mentality whenever weekends arrived, worst was when he’s going long overseas holiday with family, I couldn’t accept and cope!

        I think I killed our affair. He had been patient and assuring and couldn’t blame him for hitting his threshold, mentally drained, love faded. I do I need him to feel alive! I realize waiting has become part of my daily life. I feel hollow and empty and devastating. I suffered from insomnia & overthinking again. I regretted my hysteria of pushing him away and now he’s finally gone. I’m so tempted to ask for one more try and adjust the mentality of being the other woman and managing my anxiety, jealousy and guilt.

        Why are u so sure he will be back? That he will
        keep returning to me? You said it not just once. But whole of June we seemed to have quit each other and moved on and trying to appear platonic and cool (least I am, fighting back the torrential love for him to put on a straight face). So why are u so this is not the end? I wish u r right! That’s how useless I am. He knows my weakness I bet. He shows no signs of wanting to continue. He shows he’s relieved to get rid of a dangerous and unstable woman and finally quit the addiction.

        Also, how did I give him fresh air in his marriage? “Because he needs the side dish in order to stay married to his wife. And he will try to get back to you again, believe me. You will actually help your MM to solidify his married life with his wife, his marriage will actually get extra fuel and relationship with his wife will be getting better thanks to you”. How so? He said he was feeling very guilty whenever he’s home after we stole moments to date.

        I’m angry that he has moved on and I’m still typing away to seek help in this forum and reading abt how to self love and heal. When will I ever move on in one direction and never look back? I tried hating him but it didn’t work. I’ll remind myself of all the suffering and waiting and unhappiness outweighs happiness and he’s bad for my life etc. still I’m secretly lying to my rational mind and hoping he will be back .

        Please share any experience because I’m feeling so trapped and alone. Deeply addicted.

  • Nomad

    If you are insecurely attached and seek constant external validation and approval to feel good about yourself, how long do you think your partner will put up with it?

  • Pat

    I am going to try NC starting today. Lately I have been reaching out to him first and although he calls me back…things are just starting to feel different. I do not know if it is that i was available a few times and he wasnt or if he is comfortable with me and feels like he can come/go as he pleases because im the lady on the side or maybe he has a new toy to play with…who knows! Whatever it is I do not like it and would like to fall back a little bit. I dont know how long i can do NC but I am willing to give it a try.

    • lara

      Hi Pat this is fantastic news that you are willing to try no contact! See what happens and see how you feel….Today I was realizing that my affair started when my marriage ended and I was very traumatized by the ending of my marriage and did not even know how badly at that time. That was 20 years ago and i was a very vulnerable woman at the time. The affair was my way to run away from my feelings. Losing my husband to alcohol and drug addiction and to bipolar illness and even to his own questions about his sexuality was so much more traumatic than I realized. And more than I could handle.. I had two young boys 7 and 10 years old and I had left my family of origin because my mother is/was a narcissist and my father is/was an alcoholic. I was trying to set out on my own with my husband but also to escape my family. (See the pattern?) I say all this because now that I look back I realize that meeting my MM and having all the fantastic sex and the high of being so “in love” was a way I coped with the loss of my marriage. I found pictures today of my ex husband and I when I was pregnant and we were truly in love. I DID have a happy marriage but it was brief and then the candle went out. Affairs are addictions and they are ways to cope with unbearable feelings. So I invite you all to look at what got you into the affair? What were the circumstances of your life at the time? I say this because before I met my MM I hd not allowed a man to treat me as badly as my MM always has. I have let my MM belittle me, and forget all about me. I have let him off the hook for millions of small ways of ignoring me and calling me “too sensitive and too needy” when I have said I feel so insecure with him. The way my MM can just write me off and the way he takes no responsibility for my feelings of anger and the way he walks all over my needs and my life is NOT something I did in my marriage. But maybe I got so hopeless after my divorce that I figured that any man was better that no man? I really can’t answer this yet. I am not sure yet. I just know that the hallmark of all these MM’s is the way they write us women all off so easily. Nothing matters to them when it comes to our true needs and our true feelings. WOW. When did I get used to this kind of shit treatment and why? And why did I INVITE this man and this crappy behavior into my life? aarghhh NO MORE!

  • Angie

    I hav been writing regularly on the previous forum but here its my first post. I hav been on the MM rollercoaster for 7 months now. Initial days wer all rosy & beautiful. He used to work in my office while his family was in another city. He pursued me n we soon started our ‘affair’.. I experienced butterflies in my stomach. He used to go crazy with the messages, attention, compliments yada yada yada.. same story..he said he really loves me a lot and soon i found myself too in love with him. I used to constantly lie to my hubby to spend time with him.. 1st 3 months it felt as if i cant live without him! But agn, he was an mm & soon showed him mm colors. He found another job in his hometown n left my city arnd 3 months bak. The frequency of us talking n msging reduced, and so did his ‘LOVE’. I understood what it means to be on crumb diet. He wouldnt even open my msgs for hours n sumtyms only the next day. Weekends would pass without me being able to hear his voice. Initialy he used to say its risky to talk or msg frequently. I fought n fought. Then it was just that he would feel lazy to reply. I fought again. Then he wud say hes busy n didnt get time to reply. I fought again. Then he started going invisible. It was very usual of him to disappear for 1,2 days or the entire weeknd n thn press the RESUME button agn. The reason cud b as silly as having a headache throughout the weeknd or phone’s battery not working. Didnt even realize wen 3 months flew only fighting. Each time the fight turned uglier n i turned more abusive; from abusing him to abusing his wife, i did everything.. Broke up with him almost a zillion times in these 3 months but he always reached out to me n convinced me. I always felt that he realy loves me coz despite me abusing n hurting his ego, he wants me in his life! No man wud ever do that!! Until i had my epiphany which made me realize that its not the issue of time, headache, phone or family.. its just that HEs just not into me anymore! He doesnt reach out coz he doesnt want to! It took me 3 months to understand this simple principle. He takes me back everytime without even me reachin out to him coz he wanted me on his own terms! He had easily kept me in a box in his life n everytime i wanted more , it created problems between us. I realized i wasnt happy being in that box but i wanted more. In my heart & mind, I was comparing myself with his wife.. if he cant talk to her 10 times in a day y cant he talk to me, if he can figure out a way to contact her even if his phone isnt workin, y cant he contact me.. this is wat i realized the real problem was… i wasnt happy bein an affair partner but i wanted more of him, or all of him, like how we wer in the begining of our relatnship.. he used to rip his heart open to show his love to me n once he knew m head over heels for him, he stopped!! He promised me that he wud come down to my city every month to see me but gives me all excuses now y he cant come.. he says hes being careful coz he doesnt want us to spoil our lives.. he says hes at a diff stage of life n i wont understand it now but maybe after few years.. he tells me to be busy with other stuff n not make him my priority.. he says a lot but i cudnt agree to anything.. i hav understood that hes an emotionally unavailable man n even though he may hav feelings for me, he cant giv me anythin more than crumbs in the name of love. I was hoping atleast he wud visit me on my birthday which is next week but he has his set of excuses for that as well! I realized that i cant take it anymore n ended with him agn last week. We hav had no contact since then. He hasnt reached out to me either. Tomorrow its gona b day 7 no contact. M trying my best to get over him though i feel pain every minute. My heart aches for him but as i promised myself, i wont fall weak or contact him.. my friend tells me theres nothing out there for me n i agree with her! He wont do anything to jeopardize his marriage for me so wats the point of me investing everything i had into this relationship ( too late, i already invested all i had)..but now i wana focus on myself n heal soon. M telling myself everyday that i can live without him, with as much happiness as i did before he came in my life n screwed it.. if anyone is willing to talk then write to me on Angelina.ryan88@gmail.com

  • Lara

    Hi I left my mm and our last official contact was on Palm Sunday of this year. My affair went on and off sad to say for years and years and destroyed me in more ways than I feel like talking about right now. I felt like my MM was my soulmate from the moment I met him. I had the most intense whirlwind romance with him from the beginning. I have never gotten over how good that period felt to me, how much he seemed to be the “one”. I clung to that memory and that hope through so many abusive moments and so many neglectful moments later on. Holidays alone, vacations alone. Phone calls and texts when he “had time”. I heard all the “have to be with my family” excuses I need to ever hear again believe me. I always told myself “my love will conquer all” and “he will eventually see we are meant to be together”. This blog has been so helpful to me in letting this man really go. I have learned so much here and heard my story told over and over again. In my case, this blog led me to finally realizing my ex MM is a man I never knew very well at all. I just thought I knew him. And my mind played so many tricks on me because I was so in love with him. I never knew that he and I do NOT think the same way at all. I found out he is a narcissist whose reality is very believable to a woman like me, but much of it was exaggerations and lies. His reality is very dangerous for me because it is so destructive to me. And his reality says that he can use a woman to fill his needs without reciprocating in kind. I can tell you I now know something I never knew before: I never deserved to be treated the way I was! And it was NEVER my fault! How many time did my mm let me believe it was “my fault”? I learned to believe if only I was nicer, or thinner, or smarter, or richer then maybe my mm would treat me better. Now I know only an abuser does this. Any man who can look his own life partner in the eye and lie straight to her face is not a man I should ever trust. I missed the red flag because I thought it was “different” for us. I thought our “love” would win. But the kind of love I had with him, the part time kind of “love” where he gets to hide over half of his life, and his behavior and his decisions and his “real life” from me, is not the kind of love I will ever settle for again. The kind of love where he knows everything about me and my life but he hides all kinds of stuff from me is no longer enough for me. I honestly have found that being alone and working on my own life is not half as bad as I thought it was going to be. Life without him goes on! I go on! You can too. I am going to build a better life for myself than I ever had with him. For REAL.

    • Cathy

      Laura, your letter truly helped me. I have been so down tonight, missing my married man, since I cut contact with him. I cannot believe how we end up feeling like the ones that are horrible and crazy and all of that same stuff they tell us to justify the situation and make us believe we are the bad guys in this relationship.

      For me, I have not had a good relationship in my life and when I met him, I was floored at how much love I could feel for a man. I had never felt it before and it was intoxicating! I have always been to naive and trusting in relationships and now I am afraid to get into one again. This relationship has destroyed a big part of me, it has made me doubt myself, my instincts and even my sanity!

      I feel like I will never feel the love I had for him again. So every time I get weak and want to contact him, I come here and read the posts and stories that are all the same. It makes me never want to be in a relationship again, especially where I give my love so fully. I cannot believe how dishonest and cruel some men can be and how they use and discard women that love them so much. I am so disillusioned and depressed right now and just try to make it through every day without totally crumbling.

      I cannot believe how stupid I was to trust someone that was already so dishonest! They prey on the fact that we feel like our relationships are diff than other ones like this! I hope there is a special place in hell for men that do this to their wives, as well as the women they use on the side. I also think the wives that know what is going on, but turn their head the other way (in my situation) deserve what they are getting!

      I was stupid, I believed a liar and when I found out the truth, he had already hooked me! I blame myself, I should have ran the day I found out and realized that it wasn’t a real love, or he would be here with me right now, not with his wife!

      Thank you to everyone that shares their story here, without them, I would have lost it by now, it helps me a lot!

    • Nicole

      Lara your post brought me to tears. It is exactly how I feel as if I wrote it down myself. This is so hard and it’s so comforting to know that I’m not the only person going through this and feeling this way. At the same time it’s terrifying to know so many people’s stories are the same! Reading this forum has made me realize one thing, THEY NEVER LEAVE! They will just never have the balls to leave their wives. And we all feel like they are the one and we all feel like our situation is “different”. But really what we should all be doing is dissapearing, and if they want us, they need to prove it and leave their unhappy lives and come find us when all is said and done. As truth is, that never happens. This is my 5th time maybe attempting no contact with him and I’m only a day in. This time seems harder than the others. I changed his name in my phone to “don’t answer, he’s lying” because hopefully that will remind me that everything he says is such bullshit when he reaches out again, because I don’t doubt that he will. They are all selfish. I don’t want to feel sad anymore =( wish there was a way to speed up taking away this pain.

  • Samantha

    Hi, all. Still struggling with MM. Tonite we had a very honest discussion about things, whatever that means. The roller coaster continues. Not sure if I actually am in love, or just want to be needed and enjoy the attention and affection. Sigh.

  • Pat

    Ok I believe it is over and I want to vent. Saturday we were not able to get together because he couldnt stay out too long therefore he figured out a way to hang out for a little while. I was upset and he was understanding. Sunday we linked up for a store run and he said we would see each other later on that night (at least that is what i thought he said) so i text him around 8 saying hey are u going to be able to leave and he didnt reply. I got into bed around 12am and text and said so you going to do this again two nights in a row…no reply! Today i said hey where is my boyfriend, is everything ok and he called back. I said what happened to you, he said what i said last night he said what you mean…i couldnt make it happen and I said 2x in a row he said what, i told you i would see if i could make it happen. He said ok, i see how im going to have to carry it and i said what does that mean because i dont like to play games. He said let me call u back. Of course he wasnt calling back. I text him a few hours later to say are you mad with a sad face and he replied not really…I said ooooook hows your day so far, he said he was ready to go home and I said me too! He didnt say anything so i said i apoligize for my attitude earlier it wasnt warranted, are you still my boyfriend and he hasnt replied. I think that means we are over, i always joke and say how is my bf or whats going on with my bf and he replies but i think he is not feeling me anymore. How do i know for sure if it is OVER ? Do I wait to see if he will reply in a few days ? Do I just start NC ? I maybe overreacting because i dont know that it was even an argument! I know i just need to move on and get him out of my mind….

    • Lara

      Pat I remember the 6-7 moth period very well. I was still so so so in love with my MM then. But things were beginning to go south just like you describe. Drama and conflict began at this point and never stopped after that. What happened to me was this: I got so sick of the drama with him the on again off again crap that by the one year mark I had full blown pneumonia! The bastard did so little to help me when I was sick. I was so pissed! I was a single Mom and had two small boys to take care of. I think he called me once or maybe twice the whole time I was sick. After that? I forgave him (I always forgave him because I “loved” him so much) and eventually went back to him. Another year went by: off again/ on again dramarama all the time. But I still loved him. Then I got shingles. Again my MM was nowhere to be found while I managed taking care of my kids, my job, my life. grrrrrrrr. But I always would take him back. Finally I started going out with other men but they never felt as good to me as the MM. I thought the MM was my true soul mate. For real. Then, I even had some actual real relationships with other men and stayed loyal to my new boyfriends etc. But then I would drift back to the MM. Are you feeling me? This whole drama ram has now gone for 20 years I am so sad to say. What has changed in all that time? NADA. And now looking back at that first year, I can only warn those of you women who are still only in the early stages. This is my only advice to you: GET OUT! GET OUT before your life goes by! GET OUT before you get more used up than you are right now! It does NOT get any better believe me. It only gets worse and worse and worse until one day you wake up your life has gone by and you have nothing to show for all your hard work. Please try to see it from my end to understand what I am trying to say to you. However I will tell you the truth: people DID try and tell me to get out in the early stages and I did not, I simply could not listen to them because I thought I was too far gone in “love”. But now I understand I was totally duped by my MM and more importantly by myself. Sending you and all of the women here COURAGE!

      • Pat

        Oh Lara…thank you for those words! I hope to be strong enough to STOP this emotional rollercoaster. I know it is not fair to myself. No one should be a doormat or made to feel like one. I do not want life to pass me by. I just dont! I do have a girlfriend that tells me to get out and i am trying. I am busy and we go weeks without seeing each other but the minute I am not busy guess who i want to put all my focus into ?! Mr Unavailable. I know i am better than this, i believe i am a beautiful person. However, I am codependent…i love the attention, affection and the concern he has for me. I know its just the beginning so of course those things will change. I wish i had other male friends to hang out with, i know i would still like him but it would give me the opportunity to enjoy someone else. Again thank you for your encouraging words. I appreciate YOU!

      • Feeling Lost

        I have been following these posts for some time now, but have never commented until now. Twenty years? How have you managed to stay sane? It has been 9 years for me. We currently have not spoken for 56 days. A few months prior, he told me we would never stop being together. His wife was later diagnosed with breast cancer. A couple of weeks later, he said he couldn’t do this anymore because the guilt was too bad now that she’s sick. I saw him a few days later at a funeral (he looked horrible). We awkwardly talked and he told me I looked beautiful. He said he knew we’d remain friends but for now he needed the distance because it was too hard. We haven’t spoken since. I’m so heart broken and keep hanging on to the hope that we will be together again one day. But my health has deteriorated over these past nine years and my stress is over the top. I often ask myself why I keep hoping for this again, but I can not let go of the love I feel for him. I’m going to counseling now and learning how to grieve. All of these crazy things keep happening, though, that I can’t explain. They are “in-my-face” reminders of him that come from nowhere and it blows me away. I keep asking if these things are just coincidence, if it’s life’s cruel way of punishing me, or if it’s a sign to have patience and we will be together again one day. Please tell me how you deal with breakup after being together for so long. I feel so hurt and lost!

        • Lara

          Feeling Lost it was not 20 consecutive years…we spent time apart during that time….the longest being 5 years (no contact). That was my first attempt at No Contact and it taught me a lot. To get thru that period I spent hours on a site much like this one, getting strength from other people in my boat. I learned the patterns of affairs and I learned the addictive nature of affairs and whole lot more too. But then I took him back aaarghhhh…..
          So, I deal with the break up differently now than I did earlier in the affair. Earlier on I was so depressed and devastated I just wanted to die sometimes! I felt so much despair at comparing myself to his wife and I kept imaging how much better she was as a person than me (to get him and keep him). This kind of thinking made me very ill and I suffered with MANY health problems as a result.
          The health problems were the beginning of me realizing that this “love” I thought I needed so bad was not really love at all. The man I thought I “loved: lied to me constantly and berated me too. He helped me think badly of myself and to blame myself. He was an expert in taking no responsibility in life. This is not love. It is emotional abuse. But it is very addictive in its own sick way. (I go to counseling too) I come from an f–ed up childhood and I am used to this kind of treatment and mistake it for love.
          So the first thing you must realize is YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Many of us here suffer with the same situations and feelings you do. The reason I like to share my story is in the hope it might be helpful to someone else. You need to read and re-read here thru all the comments and to do lots of internet reading and go to your counselor and little by little things do get better! Learn all you can about being in an affair. And read all the little tips Laurie has on this blog. I find them extremely helpful. One day I would like to be in a really loving relationship with an AVAILABLE man, not this fake one I had with the MM, The MM is a dead end for me. I wish you the best!!!

          • Feeling Lost

            Thank you Lara. I will take your advice and try to keep moving forward. I need to cherish the memories that were good and realize that there is a reason why he was in my life, even if it was nothing more than the lessons I’ve learned. But i guess it’s time for that chapter to end and a new one to begin for me. Best of luck to you. I wish the best for everyone here! This roller coaster is way too hard to continue.

      • Jojo

        Lara and Pat, we have similar story…
        You encourage me to leave him after reading yours…

        I am so down recently when i decided to stay away from him. I feel my life is blank….

  • Aching Heart

    For me, its been 3 and a half months since he ended it. it has taken all of the willpower I have to not reach out to him. I have cried almost every couple of days, if not ever other day. I keep going. I work, I take care of my kids, I have a very active social calendar. But in my heart, he remains. Like a cancer that is eating me from inside. I still love this horrible horrible man!!!!! I hate it. I have tried everything to remove him from my soul. The only thing I haven’t tried is to replace him. Because that means that I would be setting myself up for more trouble and I want to heal properly. I have thought about sleeping with another man. About “f…ing” him out of me.” If that would have cured me, I would have done it. But I’m old enough to know that that’s not a cure. I am frustrated with myself, with my feelings. How can I still love someone else’s husband? What the hell is wrong with me?!!! I am a fool! He has nothing to give me!! There is nothing there for me. Yet, yet, I feel!!!!! I gotta be honest, the reason I haven’t reached out is because I can’t take any more rejection. My heart can’t take it anymore. And I want to punish him!!! I want his heart to bleed for me.

    I am on a roller-coaster. There are days when I am happy and hopeful. There are days when I am numb. And there are days when the pain is so intense. I am grateful that I am not his addict anymore. I don’t wait for his text. It will never come.

    He contacted me a week ago. To wish me a happy birthday. It tore me up!!! I am too old for this!!! This type of confusion is not for me!!! I am too fabulous for this! i have kids who love me and a husband and wonderful friends and a full active life. A great life on the surface. I am crazy. Crazy to still love someone who used me and discarded me when he had had his fill.

    He’ll pay for this, someday, somehow. You can’t make someone cry like this and get away with it.

    Thank you for listening to me ladies. Thank you.

    • Lara

      Aching Heart I feel your pain. Please read what I just wrote to Pat and also my own words alone. Getting over a MM can be done! It really gets easier on the other side when all is said and done. Sending you my best. Lara

    • Popo

      Hey girl…I felt your pain through the text… I know…
      What you are saying that you can’t reach out to him coz you can’t take rejection is so true!….
      I was here some weeks ago… I was 70% there.. Maybe 80%… Then I actually cannot tell you the madness that came over me. I reached out. I was rejected. Kept going back for more rejection. Its weird… The rejection is like an attraction…

      Last night I was at an offsite at work. I tried to get us to talk. He was mad because he said I had ‘swore at him’ Basically told him he must never ask how my f**** daughter is doing. Told him why did you ever chase for me. Something snapped after he had stood me up 2 weeks ago and left me stranded during an offsite event he was supposed to take me to my hotel room after.

      Ok… A lot has happened. But amounts to me chasing him. Me getting rejected.

      Anyway so Last night – we were at this offsite… he blocked me on Whatsapp. I tried calling him, he blocked me on call too… I whatsapped from my other phone he blocked that one too. I call his hotel room, he hangs up… I go to his room- he opened his room so tiny with plain fury in his eyes talking about how I swore at him 2 weeks ago (after standing me up by the way)… And he says… Noone EVER swears at him and remains alive. Huh. I kept apologizing… Baby let me just talk to you… I went back to my room. Call his room number he answers we chat a bit tell him I’m coming back to his room – he says I mustn’t. Went to his room. He opened the door….got in… An hour of talking… He was calmer now. I kissed him. We had sex. Actually it was more like I had sex with him coz he was a passenger!! He responded sort of….. TMI ewww

      When I start chasing this man, Its like a demon has possessed my body. I can not explain it. I was sober. No alcohol drop in my blood but as I chased him up and down, looking back now,-it doesn’t feel like me.

      At 11 months I had let him go. Almost. I’m almost clocking 1 year 1 month.
      Seriously my point is ; I said this to one friend of mine. You are not missing much. You go back and it’s the same sh*t. Its good for you that you got your birthday crumb though.

      I am still blocked – imagine. Seriously though, I often ask myself -Why am I even here at this point dealing with this. I absolutely hate the stress that goes into arranging dates with him. Hate the fact that he’s married, his mood swings, me ego stroking, always apologizing…. On and on….

      • Jailynn

        Sorry about what is happening to you. I totally understand how the chasing made him more attractive. Right now I’m on with my MM. But a few months ago he told me had to try to make his marriage work. It drove me insane. I literally messaged him nonstop and begged him not to do this. He had been telling me was getting divorced for a year, I couldn’t handle his change of heart. It was like I was a different person. Crying and begging like a fool. Funny how trying to make his marriage work didn’t prevent him from having sex with me. I finally told him I needed time away from him and after a week he went crazy. Nonstop contacting me and telling me he can’t live without me. He convinced me that he’s getting divorced again. Guess what. One month later he says adultery is wrong. I say ok that’s fine. A day later he says he can’t live without me and I’m his world. We’re supposed to spend the weekend together. I’m not sure I even want to. How long until he changes his mind again. I’m so sick of it. Why should he have all the power to decide when he should or shouldn’t see me!

  • Sulondon

    Hi everyone
    The MM dumped me via text, using the reason that he is poor. Hahah.
    After making me share or pay for things, he used that reason to dump me.
    Epic.

  • Pat

    Hi Ladies…
    Last night i realized how much i really have fallen for the MM. Him and I still talk daily. We see each other like every 2 weeks when i am able to be alone with him. Yesterday i was feeling bold and asked him if him and I could hang out together. I never ask because I dont like rejection (typically he asks me to hang out all the time and I am usually busy). Well he said I have a lot to do so it wont be until later. I said ok cool. Well he calls me around 7 to see where I am says i will be there in a little bit. I said ok but I was thinking holy crap I dont want my girlfriend to see us in public (she knows about him & i) because it doesnt look nice. Well I ended up leaving. Called him when i got back to my house and he text and said call u right back. He text again and said I cant come right now i got heat. I was furious! I said well if I had known that I would not have come home. He said I apoligize. I said call me he did and I fussed him out. I told him I was upset because he couldnt come. He said give me a minute and I will leave out. He said i just cant right now. I hang up and called my girlfriend and told her i think he cheating on me and we both laughed so hard and I said I am soooooo dumb. I cannot believe i am in this space about someone elses man. I said I am about to ride around his house to see if his car is home because I just cant believe he cant come i left out, got half way to his home and he called and said Babe I left out, what do you want to do ? Do you want me to come to your home or meet you somewhere…he said i know youre upset so if you dont want me to come to your house real quick (for sex but he didnt say that) I understand. I said no I dont want you at my house tonight. He said its fine I will meet you and I said ok. I called my gf and said i feel so foolish because he was home and he ended up pulling up behind me as we were going to neet each other. I get in his car and still visibly upset. He says im sorry baby. He said this is the first time this has ever happened. I said I knw but it doesnt feel good. He said the way you feel is the way I feel everyday of the week. He said you know i have more availability during the week and I always want to see you. I call you everyday and its always I have to do this i have to do that. He said so the way you feel right now is how i feel everyday welcome to my world. In my mind I said wow…look at how smooth he is he turned it back around on me. We just chatted after that and my anxiety had gone down. She called as he was out to get them food but he was gone for over an hour because we were together for more than an hour. I just didnt realize I was this far gone for him. I was thinking I was in control because he was always available but I was the one saying no I cant do this or that and I cant talk right. I thought by keeping myself busy and not being readily available for him that it was keeping me from falling into the trap but obviously my plan backfired on me. He said he feels like I dont have time for him and I said well maybe we can figure something out. He said we are going to have to figure something out. I told him i would meet him at the store and I did. We talked about it and he said he want to see me later so I am not sure if we will see each other tonight or not but I am definitley falling for this man and now for the first time in 6-7 months i am anxious…i know that if i dont break away soon it wont get better for me.

  • Jailynn

    Am I the biggest idiot in the world? My MM is back to telling me he getting divorced for sure to be with me. He’s told me this before over the last year, but then said the guilt was too much and he had to try to make his marriage work. Even during that time when he was trying to make it work, he continually contracted me saying he wasn’t sure if it could ever work because he loves me so much. Well now he’s back to saying he’s getting divorced. He just needs to see her through her breast cancer surgery. He’s been going to dinner with her, having parties with her, and now he’s taking a week off of work after her surgery. Should I believe him?

    • Pat

      Who knows Jailynn…he could be telling the truth or it could be a big fat lie! I think you have to be honest with yourself about what you want and what you desire to have in your life. This MM situation is one of the most difficult situations i have faced and it has only been a few months. Be brave and strong!

  • Mhbb

    Things turned bad to worse.
    Today is my 15 days NC. Actually broke up is more accurate wording.
    He showed up on my new location launching event two days ago with his executive assailant. He was nice and pleasant. Listened to my presentation . We socially chat a little bit and his assailant insisted to hang out togather after party because it is her birthday. We went to a bar togather . I took my office manager. His executive assistance got very drunk later at night. She was all over him. Touching his face and body. He seems ok with it . He held her waist dancing and walking. He sit beside me at the bar. He told me he misses me tremendously . I am always in his dreams. His love to me is unconditional. No matter how I treat him. He always support me and give me whatever I need. I got emotional and tearful. But I tried to hold back. He asked me if our relationship passed a year. I said no, we broke up and we didn’t spend anniversary togather. He said we will spend togather.
    I am not happy about how his assailant and him behavior in public. He knows she is infatuated about him and he seems like the attention. He texted me this morning seems he wants to meet me again. I voiced my upset. He said he never touched her. I told him I am out . His wife and his executive assistant can keep his personal life busy. He got really angry again when I was implying they could have left me behind alone after the bar closed . He said he will never talk to me again or meet me again.
    I thought it’s easy transition from lover to friendship. If we r still lover. I would be devastated seeing how he behaved with his assistant. But I really don’t care or mind as much I thought. I told him I feel sorry for his wife. That’s it. I don’t know why he was that upset about my texts. My manager said clearly he still hasn’t got over me yet.
    Let’s see how long he will last this time not talking to me…..

  • Cathy

    Hi everyone! I wrote earlier in the week and I was doing so well putting him out of my mind. Then I made the mistake of removing pictures off of my camera (thought it would be best to not see them) and load them up to our private flickr site we have. I couldn’t bring myself to delete them…they were from our last trip together.

    It all backfired on me and my brick wall I had built around myself crumbled! I cried and cried over the memories and then I had a few drinks and it made it worse. I completely crumbled and lost all of the strength I kept telling myself that I had 🙁 I even fired an email off to him about how everything was a lie. I am so mad at myself for doing this and feel like an absolute fool!

    Today I am very sad again! I am keeping as busy as I can, so I can try to feel better. I keep wishing and hoping that the feeling I had last week will come back-the totally numb feeling.

    Sorry for being a downer, I just don’t have anyone I can talk to anout this 🙁

    • Rebecca

      Hi! Don’t worry. You will be fine. Be strong. Focus on loving yourself. Take it a day at a time. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. I know it sucks.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t worry, it’s a part of the healing process. you really don’t have to delete all the pictures, just store them somewhere, where it would take some time for you to access them. just try not to look at them. As for myself, I do not remove any pictures or e-mails, I just stopped looking at those, but I would prefer to keep those as a memory, it was a part of my life . Maybe when I am old, I will open those and enjoy 🙂
      So it’s kind of a personal preference.
      Of course from time to time you maybe still looking at pictures, do not worry, it’s a part of the grief. Crying is not always bad, many times crying helps us to alleviate the sad things.
      Just keep going with the NC! 🙂

  • Lai

    I feel like the biggest idiot codependent woman on earth. This man i had allow him to cross all the boundaries.
    Now i am so full of anger, angry at him, and also me.
    He was the most dysfunctional man i even been with, even in our intimacy he never ever was able to have an ejaculation never.
    Then i am in the paranoid phase of my life, i got to read his emails then i saw many pornography sites. I also saw a video of him having sex with an older woman I am 40 this woman is like 60, nothing wrong with that I am not being judgmental ( I would like to be in my 60s and still want to have sex, so please ladies is not a judgment) I just feel so betrayed, I betray my self and I am full of rage and anger…This man totally rejected me.

  • Carly

    Hi Ladies. I am on day 6 of NC and still have to fight my urges to reach out to the MM I had an affair with. Over the past 6 days I have sat at home thinking and thinking and crying and crying, My heart is breaking spiritually and mentally. I want to share some of my “sane and intelligent” thoughts with you all. I did have some clear moments the last week. It all started last Thursday. I have been depressed and having a hard time with the affair (he calls it a situation). Last Thursday he stopped by but could only stay an hour. After 8 months of extremely passionate lovemaking, last week was all about him. That was my wake up call. I fired off an email that evening calling him a liar and a few worse things. It was my hurt and pent up frustration talking. The next morning at 6:30 there was still no response so I fired off a worse email. I truly believe this time it is over but my heart does not want it to be and I keep struggling not to contact him. No doubt he is angry with me. So the clear thoughts. The more I was in contact with him and the more I saw him, I fell more and more in love. In my heart it was a relationship but it wasn’t so my heart and my mind got all mixed up. What we had for over 8 months was 1) daily contact through Facebook messenger (no trail for the wife to find), 2) constantly hearing from him how I am the “One” and how much he love me and all the things you want to hear, 3) the best sex I ever had until the last time. So compare that to a real relationship. 1) daily contact should be face to face not words on a page, 2) words are great to hear but actions speak louder than words, 3) the sex should end up with cuddling until you fall asleep and wake up face to face in the morning, not my time is up, gotta go. I keep trying to remind myself what a true relationship is everytime I get the urge to contact him. I am praying for time to pass so the hurt will lessen yet I am constantly looking for contact from him. You all help with your postings. Knowing you are not the only one going through this and hearing of some of the horror stories and some of the things done to heal from all this helps so much. Thank you for all being here. We need to put all MM behind us no matter how much it hurts mentally, spiritually and physically. We deserve better.

    • Nomad

      Hi Carly,
      I caved in after 6 days of NC… things got complicated… just when I was about to give it one more try, I found out that mm initiated two drinking sessions with another woman to ease his depressed state because I’ve left him for real. It was the 1st time among hundred that I could go a record breaking of 6 days of NC. This woman is a co-worker and from their exchange of text, I deemed her having the intention to flirt and pounce on him. She would text him good morning and good night (2am). Past WK hooked up for long n late night chats! He insisted it was platonic and he did pacified me painstakingly. I insisted that given another wk of NC, they would be in bed. I was in rage and couldn’t forgive this “betrayal”,couldn’t hold the loneliness and must find such a convenient outlet while I was suffering alone during the NC. He is exhausted but hasn’t reached the point to quit us. I felt bad for his wife, but if I were his wife then I’ve the right to force him to cut contacts with whoever that threaten the marriage. I now learnt that forgiveness is so difficult.

      Now I couldn’t NC else someone else could take up the space i gave up so painfully. If I continue, I couldn’t let go the anger, keep replaying their flirtatious msg and wild imaginations of their drinking session which could easily lead to one night stand. What shall I do? Already in a mess before this saga.

  • Lisa

    So 3 days after i told mm that “i couldnt do this anymore” & on the 4th day, yesterday-he texts me, “hows it going?”
    Smh. I responded back-of course.Smh
    It was like all the sad hurt lonely anxiousness all retreated into that hole (inside myself that i felt for those three 3 days) & had been filled by that one text from him.
    I know that isnt healthy on my part. I shouldnt allow my emotions to be so controlled by the actions of someone else. That is dangerous.
    I wonder if i knew what was inside his mind, how he saw things maybe the mystery would be gone and itd be easier for me to just let go.

  • Cathy

    Hello, I have been here before and have written about my experience that has totally made my life miserable. I have also wrote about the two sides of this kind of relationship and have tried to understand why the men do this to us. After almost four years of living this nightmare, two and a half weeks ago something happened and I can’t even explain it!

    I was waiting yet again for him to come on Skype before bed…he sleeps in his own room, so every night we would talk and and sleep together on Skype, Weird yes, but she didn’t live with him (only on weekends) for the first two and a half years of our relationship. He told me he was a widower in the beginning, until I noticed he disappeared on weekends, so it was something we always did. We used to fall asleep talking. It was different when she moved in full-time (when she retired) because he could only type and not talk out loud, so our conversations and time together became very short…he doesn’t like to type.

    On weekdays, he would call me if he was able to at lunch time and usually planned it so he could. Then I wouldn’t usually hear from him again until bedtime. So I would sit up and wait for him night after night for two minutes of nothing, really and then we would go to sleep. He always told me he didn’t have any relationship with her and they didn’t like the same things, yet, suddenly, they were watching tv shows together (one I suggested to him, that I thought he would like) going out to dinner (even though she doesn’t eat anything except canned tuna) and going to musical events (even though she would never accompany him before) because it was boring! She wasn’t interested!

    Then one night, two and a half weeks ago, he came on really late, I was asleep and woke up when Skype rang. I greeted him sweetly, as usual, even though inside I was tired and feeling used, as i knew he had spent the night with her, while I sat alone waiting for him and fell asleep while doing so.

    He told me he was late because he was watching tv with her and then they watched a really heavy rainfall that took place and it was so amazing he couldn’t stop watching it. I don’t know why, but that night, something snapped in me and I was DONE!!!! I loved that man like no other man I have loved…I aged years being with him and going through the heartache, stress, anger, disappointment, lies, etc. that he put me through. I didn’t think I could ever live without him and disgraced myself over and over again by going back to him.

    But for some reason, that night I had my FILL! I had spent years alone and waiting while he went on vacations with her, took her out to dinner, catered to her, etc. After he told me why he was late, I told him I was upset. He did what he always did when I said something he didn’t want to hear…he said “I’m not doing this right now”…he took his headphones off, so he couldn’t hear me and rolled over and ignored me. He went to sleep. He would always ignore me when he didn’t want to deal with me…every time he went away, or out with her, etc.

    I was now out of my deep sleep, feeling frustrated, angry and sad. I was shaking I was so mad, I wanted to break something or hit someone, but all I could do was look at him on the screen with his back turned to me and could not release any of my pent up anger, hurt and frustration. I slammed the computer lid down. I was up all night, it affected my work the next day….one of many days that were affected, or I missed due to being sad or depressed or upset with him, over the years. I started thinking about how his selfish bs affected my life and the lives of my kids. I was not the same person i used to be, I was on a downhill slide and he kept paving the way.

    I was so mad that something in me just went numb and I knew this time I had enough! I sent him an email telling me that I didn’t believe anything he told me anymore (has been feeding me bs that he is working on a plan to divorce her and be with me…it will take about three years). I told him in three years I will be in the same position as I am in now…if I make it, because my blood pressure is through the roof (since I started with him) and I have anxiety problems because of this.

    I told him I know he wont anyways, but to not contact me again, unless he is free. I said I am not doing this to put him on the spot, I am doing it because I simply cannot go on anymore. I have given him everything my heart had to give, I never opened up too, or loved a man the way I love him and my heart has been in a constant state of sadness and turmoil since the day I found out he had remarried after his first wife had died. He never told me that part, until I was already in love with him.

    I have tried so many times before to cut this relationship off and it has been the hardest thing I have had to do. He was my love, my soul mate, my best friend. But in reality, that was all a lie too. A best friend, or someone that loves you would never treat you so badly! I could never treat someone I love like that! The fact that these men treat us like this, shows that it isn’t about love. It’s about their ego, it’s about having fun and using us. We are nothing, but a side dish and they feel like they are somehow more of a man when they have someone on the side that loves them and gives up their life for them. They are selfish and greedy and don’t care who it is they are screwing around with, as long as there is someone to do it with. We can be replaced as easily as a light bulb! When they come back to us it’s because they haven’t been able to find their next score yet!

    I started thinking, if this is the way he is with his wife, I do not want to be with him in the future anyways. I would never trust him…I didn’t anyways and it would eat me alive. I would rather be alone, than be with someone that would probably do the same thing to me. I am so sad, but I am also very mad at myself for believing him through the years.

    When I met him, my mom had just passed away and i was separated after being in a bad marriage for a long time. I was stupid, depressed and vulnerable. He was like a bright light that I didn’t think could exist. He shared the horrible story about his first wife and how she died of cancer. We cried together and talked through our pain. I couldn’t believe I found someone so sweet and caring and I felt so sorry for him. I just didn’t know that wife number two existed and didn’t live at home during the week…so he had lots of time to play games with people!

    I should have ran when I found out, but I was already hooked! He disappeared on our first Valentine’s day together and I thought something had happened to him. I tried to contact him all day and ended up getting an email confessing that he was married. He told me a big story about how unhappy he was, he married to soon after his wife died, blah blah blah.,,I found out recently that he actually was dating the other one, while his poor wife was dying.

    I don’t know what is wrong with me, I disgust myself that I actually fell for his lies. I am done now, I have a numbness towards him and it scares me how fast it came on. I am probably kidding myself into believing I don’t care anymore, but each day that goes by, I still don’t feel anything for him. I think my feelings have actually died. I blocked him on everything and I wont contact him again.

    I really think everyone has a breaking point and mine came that night for some reason! It had been coming for a lonnng time and I kept wishing it would happen so I could move on. I hope it lasts, I still get sad and miss him every day at lunch, but I am keeping busy and putting all of my energy into my family and my home. I feel like i have neglected things since I met him….it’s been all about him! I am ashamed that I let him in and let him make me feel so low and horrible.

    One of the last things I said to him is I would rather feel the pain of missing you and not talking to you, than the pain I feel every single day, knowing you are doing things with your wife, while I sit here alone, wondering and waiting. That is the worst pain of all, it makes you sick! I am not healthy right now because of it and I am trying to change it. I will never let someone like him wreck my life again 🙁

    Sorry this is so long, I just wish I could wave my hand and everyone out there would hit that point where they could move on too. Those men are not worth it, they are users, liars and cheaters and we nothing but something for them to use! No matter what story they tell you, that is the truth, or they would be with you full-time and we would not be reading and writing on this site.

    Someone that loves you, would not cause you pain on purpose….I’m sad it took me so long to see this!
    Cathy

    • Lara

      Cathy I feel you 100 per cent. Our stories are not that different. Mine (he is my EX MM) was working next door to my house (and still is) and I let him have two lives and two wives in a kind of a way. He had his home at home where he claimed he did not love his wife but “had to stay because of the kids” (blah blah blah) and his “other” home with me and I had my two young sons who got to know him too. I was out of my mind crazy to believe all his BS but I too was recently separated, a single Mom, two young sons, my ex husband was mentally ill and abusing drugs and alcohol and I was very very vulnerable when I met my EX MM. Fast forward twenty years (read my story above) and my breaking point finally came when I saw the two of them (him and his wofe) walking hand in hand down my block looking like new lovers who had just found each other AAARGGHHH I never of felt so much of a pain in my heart that day I can not even describe it to you. But I know you know this pain. Anyhow I am now realizing the truth: he is/was a narcissist and I was raised by one as well (my mother) so being the good little co-dependent silent type woman in the background was how I felt most comfortable. NO MORE! I’m in therapy and I am healing one day at a time from a lifetime of emotional abuse and yes it is hard. But you know what? I will take this pain over the pain of waiting on my EX MM any day! At least with my healing comes new hobbies, new friends, new attractions , new life, and H O P E ! Waiting on my EX MM so many years took me so far down in my self esteem that I wanted to die when I saw him had in hand with his wife. Die? Over a narcissistic greedy selfish jerk? Yes, die or just melt into the ground and never get back up. Healing is not nearly as awful as I imagined and it is all for ME not for anyone else and certainly not for him. I wish you will be kind and gentle to yourself and realize you were duped by a jerk yes but you are WORTH LOVE AND HAPPINESS! I love the articles that Laurie (the blog owner) write here about letting go of someone you love. It can be done! Let yourself imagine a better future without a lying, unworthy jerk of a guy to bring you down. That is exactly what i am doing. Goodbye to misery!

      • Cathy

        Ty again Lara, I just saw your response now and it brought tears to my eyes! I will keep reading it over and over also, I don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t have found this site! Your story is so familiar to mine…the mother part also. My only saving grace, was my mm lives in the USA and I live in Canada and we are 21 hours apart by car. He talked about me moving near him and I said I never could, because if I saw him with his wife, I would totally lose it and it would not be good for anyone.

        I don’t know how we get into these situations and growing up I always thought the “other woman” was the horrible one in relationships, but this has all opened my eyes up and made me look at it in a diff. light. These men are users and selfish and do not care who they hurt, or destroy, the only thing that matters is that they are happy and get what they want!

        Ty so much for your story and your help!

    • Nicole

      Wow.. “he met his current wife while his ex wife was dying?!” That really is hard for me to hear. These men are scum. I’ve never written my story on here but I have been reading on this forum and the previous one linked to this for months. It has helped me through hard times. I have been on and off with my mm for 8 months. I go NC every 2 months and I completely stay away and then he comes right back into my life just to tell me how much he misses me, lie that he’s getting a divorce when he really isn’t, and completely rattle me. That’s where I am right now. We haven’t spoken in 2 months I’ve stayed away. And I was getting better, even though he never left my heart and mind. He text me and we spoke for hours only for him to dissapear again. He’s miserable with her but doesn’t have the strength to leave her. I am the one he loves. I don’t believe it anymore. If you loved me as much as you did, you would be here with me, isn’t that the bottom line? I wish I never met this man because I can’t understand what the lesson is here besides this horrific pain and anger. It’s amazing how every woman on this site has the same story. And I wonder to myself, and maybe one of you have some input. How is it possible that to each of us, we are their soulmate, the loves of their lives.. is this real? Maybe it all comes down to wanting what you can’t have.. the fantasy of it all. I have always wondered if our connection would be this real if she wasn’t ever in the picture.

  • Sulondon

    Hi Evete, our stories are similar in which we met the married men in cities where they were apart from their wives. All the time, he assured me he will not change when his family comes, and i am somehow holding onto that line to stick with him. I guess that is too stupid to believe so, right? We broke up so many times when i woke up to that reality, but kept going back to him when he begged. I m totally aware of why he wanted me to be back, he is alone here, and i am his ideal companion because i am true to him and he does not have to take risk using prostitutes, let alone how trash i feel to be treated like he spends his left pennies on me because he submits all his income to his wife. He makes me pay half of everything. I am so devastated but still cant get rid of him.

  • Jailynn

    You’re so right! I agree. If you really want someone in your life, you’ll find a way to put them there. Also so right about little lost boys. My MM is so insecure sometimes. We are still ” “together” right now, if I call it that. I truly believe it’s because I’ve been a little distant. He wants what he can’t have, so cliche. He’s back in the I’m his soulmate phase. I just know if I start falling all over him again, he’ll say he feels guilty. The colder I am to him, the more attractive I become. I don’t know, maybe it’s simply because he does love me and he’s afraid to lose me. Who knows? Confused as always with this guy. He’s a Virgo by the way. I’ve heard they’re nutty!

  • Clair

    I haven’t wrote in awhile. To update me and him both are married with children. We live in the same small town and only live like 7 min. from each other and our kids go to the same school. This has been going on for almost 2 years on and off. We both knew going into this we didn’t plan on leaving our spouses for each other and on his end this was just supposed to be about sex but me being a woman my emotions got involved not long after we started talking and truth is now his emotions are there to. We do love each other and we are both someone we both would be with if we weren’t married to other people. We both are attached emotionally and physically to each other. The last time we had a break was really both of our idea and about 6 days after no contact he messaged me to see how I was doing and it started again. It has really been draining in every sense. I do care for him and his well being and I know he does me to. The last time I talked to him was Friday because Saturday he left with his family on vacation and won’t be back until Saturday or Sunday and I understand him not wanting to text or talk or worry about someone seeing his phone and things be on it between me and him. He told me Friday that he was going to miss me while he was gone and that he promised that he would be ready to talk to me when he got back. The only thing I see of his “social media” is snapchat and he’s only posted two things and it made me think he did it just to say hey. I do miss him like crazy and I’ve been down and out cause I know it probably will be next Monday before I talk to him again. I’ve been scared he’ll come home and want nothing to do with me but he promised that would not be the case. I do miss him but I’m trying to do my own thing this week and focus on my family. I’m awful I know! 🙁

    • Lois

      Hey, Clair. Our stories are very similar…actually kind of scary how similar. My mm just left for vacation with his family as well and will not be back until Saturday or Sunday. He was not even the one who told me was going on vacation. He told me in a chat that he would be out all of this week but a coworker told me he was going on beach vacation with his family. Nice…huh! I wanted to be with him before he left but he was not feeling it. I am tired of the rejection! Honestly, I do not know where we stand on things since our last moment of weakness and caved to our desires. He may have decided to work things out again with his wife because there anniversary was late May and we have not been together since that time. It is frustrating…constant roller coaster. He is all for it one day and the next day the total opposite. He had ended things back in early May. I struggled with it for several days. Just when I thought there was light at the end of the tunnel, he managed to use his charm and back in his arms I went…like a fool. We work together and live in a small rural area Missouri…everyone seems to know everyone which means we have to be very cautious. I think working with him makes it harder to let go. He has ended things so many times over the past year that part of me seems to anticipate the next time, so when he goes silent on me the anxiety kicks in. I really do not know why I desire him so much…cannot explain it. It is not like he gives me compliments, buys me gifts, heck I cannot get him to even take me to a hotel room it is always in a private setting at work after hours. What am I doing? I have tried to not let my mind wander about what he is doing on vacation but it is hard. I would very much like to use this time apart to get strong enough to resist the temptation when he returns to work next Monday. Then again, like I said, he may have already decided to end things and just did not have the guts to me before he left for vacation. Who knows…the only thing that I do know is that I am tired of the emotional roller coaster and really do deserve better. I am married with kids. My husband is an ass most of the time, but we have been together for 30 years. I know my husband loves me and compliments all of the time but the passion has been gone for a long time. I enjoy the passion that I feel with my mm. Guess that maybe the reason for hanging on. The only thing that I do know is that each time my mm has ended things, there is less of me that has gone back to him. So maybe if he has decided to end things again…this will be what he takes to end it for good. Who knows…I just pray the strength that I feel today will be even stronger by next week to withstand what is in store. Thanks for listening. These posts really do help get through the rough patches. It is nice to know that I am not alone. Thank you!!!

    • Lois

      Hey clair. I’m sitting anxious and nervous about how my mm will be tomorrow. He and his family returned from vacation and he will be work at work tomorrow. I don’t know what to expect…very concerned that he has decided to end things again. I know a part of me has reservations about our relationship but I really do enjoy our time together. I know it’s awful of me but its how I feel. I was just curious how things went for you. Hope things are going well. Thanks for listening…will keep you posted! ☺

  • Nomad

    I caved in after 7 days of no contact. Just when i wanted to give another try with mm, I was devastated when I found out that he had been messaging 7 days with a coworker n asked her out twice for beer to ease his depressed state caused by my sudden NC and his work stress. He thought he was prepared because I always cry wolf. He needed an outlet to vent. He showed me his texts and insisted it’s platonic but to me, they were flirting. Had I blocked another week, they would end up in bed. I’m crying and I don’t know what to do. He was very patient assuring me its platonic. I told him I couldn’t trust him.

  • Lisa

    Evette, i told my mm i couldnt do this anymore on friday. Not because i didnt want to be with him but because i didnt want to get hurt as my mm also informed me friday he wasnt divorcing her. Like you, i too still want him to call me and i definitely want him to leave her. And like you, i know its just not going to happen. And here we are left with our memories of times spent and the pain of heartbreak and looming feelings of being lost and alone. – thats how i feel anyway im not trying to put words in your mouth…i just thought id reach out because im hurting right now at the same exact moment you are and it sucks. Your not alone.

  • I Thought I Was Different

    Jailynn,
    Although I cannot comment on how to completely break this kind of a relationship off completely (I’m still in mine as well), I can comment and tell you to just keep checking these posts. So many of them have really hit home with me. And they are a HUGE motivator to keep trying to put ourselves FIRST and break this relationship off. Someone posted that we are not attracted to the actual man we are in the relationship with, it this the addiction to the way we feel when we are with them. My MM continues to tell me not to give up on him and that he believes we will be together at the end of all of this but really? I am supposed to wait and see if his marriage is going to fail? How long will that take? I’ve already invested 2.5 years into this and don’t feel like wasting anymore time on him. Another post says that if we strip down all of our emotions to the bare bones for our MM, that we will realize that we really are not in love with them. Even though they tell us they love us more than anything in the world, this is not what love and caring looks like. So once we remove all of our emotions towards this man, look at this and try and figure out if he would show up at your door, is this really what you want for the rest of your life? He does this to his wife, would he do this to you as well? When asked the question initially, my answer was “yes”,, this is WHAT I WANT however after following this page for about one month, I’m starting to realize that it may not be what I want. Why? Because WE deserve MORE!!! Someone that can be available to us at anytime during the day, to call when we had a bad day or just to hear their voice. WE DESERVE that!!!! It is crazy to write this because I am still in my relationship as well. It is easier said than done. I do know this. However, I have started to put myself first and not be at his every beckon call. And I think he sees it and know what? I don’t feel guilty for once about putting myself first. My MM is truly my best friend and he says I know more about him than anyone does but let’s face it, they aren’t leaving their wives. I wish I understand why they confide in us so much and not their wife, especially if it is them they will continue to have a future. And I get a small pleasure knowing that my MM will not be happy in his current marriage but that is what he has chosen. And he will realize that once I have completely decided to leave. I will leave, just trying to detach my heart from the situation. I know I wasn’t much help but please keep reading these posts, I truly believe they help. When I first started to have an affair, I felt like I was alone but then I found this website and it has been heaven sent! And truly is a motivator to put OURSELVES first… we deserve happiness and to be Loved and respected!!!!! Our MM can’t give us those things….. Good luck and sorry for rambling.

  • Nomad

    Help!!! It’s been a week i “let go & moved on” but he managed to sneak into my life over the wkends and weaken my defense, broke down my walls by leaving voice mails pleading me to unblock him, using an unknown no to text me he truly loves me and he’s going crazy because he missed me very much and he’s tearing as he thought of us, reminiscing our happy times. I’m feeling horrible the whole of today because I actually unblocked him!!! I hate myself because I felt defeated that I haven’t moved on, Let go and I was still hoping to continue this secret life! How could I forgotten the suffering being sucked back and trapped into the vicious cycle? I hate myself even more when he discovered he was unblocked and texted me cliche messages like good morning, how’s your day, he’s busy at work when he should know my morning was ruined by his mere existence haunting me, my day sucked because I was back to the pathetic self who couldn’t function at work and home, all I did was staring at the phone seeing that he was online but obviously not texting me, so it was then when I was reminded y I had to leave again last week. All the miserable waiting, burning jealousy, anxiety and draining fights we had suddenly haunted me today. One moment I blocked but the next I unblocked hoping to hear sweet nothings. Of course he would stop chasing the moment he knew he was unblocked.

    Now, why didn’t he treasure me while i was there all along patiently waiting for his attention (busy working) and mood (guilt stricken)? Why did he spend time searching for me in vain in cafe we visited, path we strolled and hoping to bump into me???

    Help me! What should I do now ? Countinue to unblock ? Continue NC? How to live with NC throughout June? I couldn’t function at work today , right now lying on my bed, I’m so tempted to text him else I bet it’s another night of insomnia. Hopeless isn’t it ? Shall I give it one more try? No, I shouldn’t be feeding my addiction and his ego! But suddenly I’ve strong urge to get back! I’m dying from this mental roller coaster ride! Grateful for any advice how can I get through everyday! I desperately wanted to sleep but I was too paranoid! I was doing so well during flrst 5 days of NC,2 daya later, my efforts of NC are gone!!

    • Cathy

      I know exactly how you feel and I am so sad that you are going through this, you described it so well! I just saw this now and I hope that you did not get back with him. It is such a horrible trap and so hard to get away from 🙁

  • TryingToBreakFree

    I think my married man’s wife is pregnant…and he still cheats on her smh…I thought that would make him stop…now Im officially done…

  • Pat

    Im feeling that way now sbeppy…6-7 months with my mm and i am still able to control myself as far as my emotions go. Im beginning to miss him more when we dont see each other and wanting to be around him more. He called me today and i asked him about his plans and he said he didnt have any. He said why what are you plans or you just asked just because ( in a sarcastic tone) i said well yes i was just asking. I dont have plans for us. He tells me about the different parks out here and how he enjoys things like that. I love things like that as well but when i think of walking around a park together. Its so intimate to me, something you do with someone you want to be exclusive with. Maybe I am crazy for feeling that way but you talk during that, hold hands, kiss, touch and those are the things that keep me from letting go. I have so many moments of i don’t care about relationship and moments where i feel like i want a relationship. I cant be in a relationship with someone who is already in a “committed” relationship. This is so weird for me. I cannot believe I have had so much control over falling for him. I am a clingy woman and I have yet to abuse his phone by calling/texting several times, refused to comfront him about why he hasnt replied, i limit my questions and everything and that is not how i operate. Its like WOW i did not realize how relaxed I could be with someone. I guess because i know he has a person he wants to spend the rest of his life with, i dont force myself on him as I have with available men. As hard as it is for me to walk away (primarily because I am co-dependent) I am learning so many things about myself. He contacts me much more than i contact him. Most days we talk for about 30 minutes, other days he calls me and talk for 10mins just long enough to say he called. He makes sure i can never say he dont call or try to hang out with me but he feels i always have so much to do that i cant hang out with him. I told him I was actively seeking available me and he told me, I dont have time to date someone…he says I am always too busy. I like him and wish things were different but i struggle daily to keep myself routed in the reality of what this is. Im sure I will get bored eventually….just hope it is not too late when i do and i pray I am not bitter after this situation.

  • Butter Cookie

    Hi Sam, I feel u. I just ended (again after umpteenth times) my 1yr16days affair with a mm and today is day 2 of no contact. I’ve experienced what u shared, guilt, jealousy, anxiety, disappointment, heartache, waiting and hoping, obsessively checking the phone, stalking his last seen online etc etc. all emotional and physical torture in a roller coaster mode. Things could be so bleak when weekends arrived where he could switched back to guilt mode and stayed away from me Judy to feel safe with his family especially his young kids. He would come to me when he’s bored or horny despite telling me he does love me. But never did he mention or will he leave his wife for me, I supposed I was out of convenience, he knows I could be exploited in exchange of a day or few hrs of love and lust with him. I feel used. I feel foolish.

    We met at work and he was totally unexpected. I’m married and loved but lacks attention and sparks. I felt alive when I was with him when times were good (when he’s in the mood or convenient). After 6 months, novelty faded, reality sank in, we started to drift apart, he put in lesser effort , communication dwindled, he was able to switch to another (family) mode outside office hrs. He could cast me aside once he left the office. He told me he couldn’t be all time high, he needs to work for survival, be a loving father and responsible husband to ensure his wife’s wellbeing is taken care off. He wants to protect the family so that he can watch his kids grow up in an loving warm family. He admitted he was madly falling in love with me and he was irrational. However, for selfish reasons, he still wanted to keep us. He suggested to hang on and watch us die off naturally. I’m no match for his capability to switch between his family and me. I couldn’t function at work and on weekends whereby he could be non existence and only be back on Monday morning.

    I know he didn’t promise me anything, no intention to leave his wife, so we are heading nowhere. I couldn’t find anymore reasons to hold on, excuses for him to convince myself that he loves me despite the turbulence. Its emotionally draining and I’m so exhausted to be trapped in this vicious cycle for so long. I’m feeling lost but i need inner peace right now. I haven’t been sleeping and it has taken a toil on my physical health.

    So this time, I don’t know how am I doing differently of if I’ll be successful letting go and moving on. It’s painful and I miss him. He turned up at office yesterday to stir up my emotions after realizing I hv blocked him, cut off contacts. (Few months ago, I quit him as fb friend).

    To be continued

    A

  • Nomad

    Hi Lisa, it’s strange that when I showed the determination to end (6 days of NC) and when he said he saw this coming and I’ve prepared him well, I felt a sense of loss and disbelief that this time he’s ok to part. Part of me wished that he had persisted like he would always do. Is that it? He’s never going to come back… I realize I’ve suddenly forgotten the pain, heartache, burning jealousy, tormenting wait… I realize I didn’t really meant it each time I snapped and wanted to move on…
    Heart and rational mind are incoherent now… what shall I live through each day ?

  • Anonymous

    Oh, Mara, I am so sorry to hear that. I read your story that you shared couple days ago. You are welcome to write here as much as you can, we are all very understanding here! We are all in the same boat, more or less. I was not surprised that your MM sees you just as a “fresh air”, at least he is honest with you (but dont’ think he is a good guy because he can be honest sometimes! :-)) It’s NOT your fault that he sees you just as a fresh air, it’s NOT because you are not meaningful, or not desirable, or such. You ARE desirable and worth attention and admiration, that’s why he wanted to win you in the first place. MM have a void in their marriage, things get less exciting with wives after several years of marriage (a normal natural thing for many people), passion goes away, but MM does not want to resolve it within the marriage, he wants attention from a “fresh bone”, it’s much easier than to work on refreshing things with a wife. Men do like to win, but with his wife it became all routine and not exciting (also a natural thing when people live together for a long time), so MM needs to feel that “hunt” again, it increases his ego, his sense of worth, actually boosts all the senses, it’s like they become the best versions of self again to get an unavailable woman (well, he is married, so another woman is unavailable to him per se, like you were not available to him to begin with). So MM enjoys this “dancing around”, going out of the way to please you, to win you. When a man “hunts” to get a woman (and if he is also feeling that he is actually getting a positive response from her), it boosts his ego like up to the sky! The trick is – the longer you are playing the game of being unavailable to him in the first place (i.e. the longer you do not have first sex with him), the longer and harder MM man would pursue you. In a real, normal relationship such game is actually a nice and romantic thing, people get that romantic infatuation period getting deeper and then it can lead to a real beautiful connection between to people. But that’s NOT how it works with MM. MM are NOT here to build a real relationship with us. They just need that exciting feeling of getting a woman, and it feels great to them. But then, once he gets her, after some time, usually relatively quickly, he starts to feel that he got what he want, game is getting over and becomes not so exciting (like same as with his wife). So he starts to pulling away and loosing interest. When you fill his void for the “excitement”, he is no longer the same guy with you, BUT he will still want to keep you because he still has a void in his marriage and he needs to somehow fill that void. And push/pull method that MM are using with us (“side dishes”) actually works as a “refreshment” for them, it’s a game too. It’s a pleasure for a MM to have a feeling that he “hooked” another woman so well that she fell for him, and that she even keeps accepting the fact that he is NOT really in her life . So MM start pushing the boundaries, they look how far we can go, how much “sh..t” we can accept from them. There is nothing about love, it’s about the ego and the void deep inside. Majority of men can handle it all separately (marriage and a “fresh air dish”), and even some women can too, but the amount of women that can do that is relatively small. Majority of women start developing feelings (but it’s NOT a love feeling!). When we, women, have a void we become very vulnerable, way more vulnerable then men. And then when MM starts filling that void (romance, compliments, attention, deep conversations, emotional connection, etc.), it releases very strong “happy” chemicals in our brains, very similar to a heroin pleasure. Yes, it’s like a drug addiction, it’s very powerful. So even when the logical mind sees that this relationship is bringing much more unhappiness than happiness, and it’s not worth it, it’s VERY hard to stop it. Very very hard. Brain got used to that “heroin” pleasure, and brain chemicals begin to rule the game for us 🙂 It’s like we are getting into an abstinence syndrome 🙂 Drug addicts get professional help to get out of that addiction. And we can do the same, ask for a professional help. Those feelings that we have are highly addictive (even if you’ve been with MM for like 3-4 months, it already “hooked” your brain.
    But you are very smart, you wrote that it may be infatuation and not love. And yes, you are right, it’s NOT love 🙂
    The abstinence period is very very hard and can be painful for quite some time, but if you know what it is and keep fighting it, you will win your freedom!
    I was with my married man for like 4-5 months, on a “roller coaster” ride I guess 🙂 But I am trying to get detached form him for already like 6 months and still did not get completely rid of that ride. And I did ask for a professional help, I was not able to fight it all alone, it was way too painful (like even a physical pain, not just an emotional one, too much pain…).
    I can tell you that you are VERY lucky because you learned from your married man about being just a fresh air for him, and you learned it pretty quickly, not in years.
    You can cut off all contacts with him, but if you can’t due to pain, you can back off and let him always text you first, never text yourself first. And try to get your responses shorter and shorter. And try to respond with some delay, slowly increasing the time between his texts and your responses.
    It will work at some point 🙂

    • Mara

      Hi anonymous, thanks again for your insights…it’s been really helpful 🙂 knowing that I was/am a fresh air didn’t come as a surprise since we “agreed” from the start that this would be just an affair and none of us would want to leave their partners. But the way he said it shocked me! When he was MIA, I told him that I couldn’t understand his hot/cold behaviour, he said he was surprised to hear that since we agreed that this wasn’t a relationship, we couldn’t question each other and worse if/when HE wanted to end it I should respect HIS decision and not reach to him!!! I was shocked and wanted to laugh at the same time! Wtf?! He’s so full of himself! I’m his puppet then 😂 I’m still trying to figure out what attracted me to him 🤔 on my lucid moments I see him as he really is…the type of man I couldn’t be in a relationship with! He’s not even that cute, he looks older than his age and he’s a quicky! 😅 But then I go back to wanting to hook up with him 😖 So are you still seeing your MM or you’re in NC mode?

  • Lisa

    Sushi, your not alone, & i know that at 4:30a.m. it sure feels like you are-but please take comfort in knowing that i-(& i think in this particular situation its ok to speak for the ladies that use THIS SITE) that we, know that ugly feeling residing at the pit of your stomach as well the pain from the cracks in your heart. It sucks, i cant do anything for you but be here as the same applies to myself as i too am going through the exact thing right now.

  • Nomad

    Day 5 of NC (except Day 1 bumped into him accidentally, Day 2 he appeared at my work desk, Day 3 to 5 were successful despite him leaving voicemail and using other phone to text me which I managed to ignore!)
    Day 6, past midnight, something triggered me to reply to his text, which was, he felt empty, pain and was crying inside and he was going crazy missing me very much (he wasn’t so expressive when we were togther and I had to ask him if he missed me or loved me which he would then say yes…) Back to the trigger, he started to pretend as if nothing has happened, planning a trek together, updating me how was his weekends etc. It was when I couldn’t hold it (yes broke and wasted my effort of 5 days of NC), and replied to him, I have let go and moved on, he has to accept that I wanted to stop this affair and that I was sick of waiting and losing myself, i hate the treatment whenever he was paranoid and fearful of us being found out or when he was guilty to even think of me. He would suddenly withdraw knowing that I would snap and feeling hurt, anxiety, desperate, helpless, suffer from insomnia and unable to function including cooking a meal for my family or working in the office. I was ruined and I hate to let it happened so many times over the 1 year.

    Lara said something has to hit you in the face very hard and then you realize you must end the torture. Mine was when he said he loved to have a third child but was rejected when he initiated, when he time and again reminded me we couldn’t be husband and wife and then I saw his family photo and it was deeply imprinted in my mind. He said he hasn’t sleep with his wife for years, she rejected him, she is sick of him, there was no sparks between them, i had the best of him, he just feels responsbile towards her and ensuring that her well being is taking care of. only love and romance with me. Once in a life time love and never love like this before. And yes, he loves his kids the most so he was stuck with her because of the kids as he wanted to watch his kids grow up. His world would crush if we were found out.

    So i repeated to him (for the last time i hope):-
    1. I am sick of his fear and guilt and since i am the source, get rid of him then he could live with inner peace and love all his family with his whole heart
    2. I am sick of waiting (for my turn, for his time for his mood) and the vicious cycle of breaking down which I was stuck with him, past 5 days I have been doing fine so please avoid me and stop appearing in front of me that would help. I want to live simply and not a secret life anymore sneaking behind with with someone’s husband. I want to start afresh without him. Accept it.
    3. I reminded him his pain points and weaknesses “Didn’t you want to watch your kids grow up? didn’t u say u can live without me technically? didn’t you fear about crushing your world if u lost your family? didn’t you say you were sick of the shit I gave you whenever I snapped? didn’t u say I kept leaving for hundredth times and already mentally prepared him that we are nearing the end? didn’t you suggested to agree on a parting date which I set as 29 May to be the final one?” he still insisted that he would manage and we would be better together.
    4. I do not need him to fill up my void. He kept saying I needed the attention and romance from him, let’s us manage and meet mid ground. He said he truly love me, not just for the physical intimacy. He was sad that we met late in life else I would be the one. He then said perhaps beause we were not married that was why we could experience the thrills and romance. I told him his bait isn’t working anymore, he is missing me now beccause his wife hasn’t found out or he could try rekindle the sparks with his wife, make her desire him, how difficult is that? he is missing me now because he has lost the convenience, main course is unavailable so he needed the side dish to satisfy his hunger, fill his void. He was angry that I am always negative about us, always doubt his feelings for me. He was mentally drained with my testing of his patience.
    5. I asked him is he going to divorce? he kept quiet. i reminded him we are heading no where so what is the reason for holding on when unhappiness outweighs happiness? when it is clearly not worth the risks? then I think to myself, will i divorce when what’s lacking in my marriage (knew hubby for 25 years and married for 20) was attention, romance and sparks. I told myself life isn’t perfect but I now rather choose boredom and inner peace rather than living and feeling so wrong so lost and so wasted. I believe I will heal. I believe the pain I am feeling now is temporary and I just need to press on until i stop thinking baout him when i wake or before i sleep. I have done well for 5 days. though i texted him on day 6 (midnight), i haven’t swayed from ending the affair, I havent unblock him. I should have laid the condition of getting back which is, unless he divorces, stay away from me. I simply do not want to get involved with a mm anymore.

    Tomorrow is a work day, I am feeling weak… I know if i get to see him, I will surrender…

  • Erelan

    I’ve been in a relationship with a married man for 6years . We met in 2010 when I had just finished my high school through my brother since he was his mutual friend. We became friends in and because my mum couldn’t afford my education anymore, he offered to help me out. He paid for my fees at college and would give me almost anything I needed whenever he was in position to.

    We were friends from 2010 but started getting intimate in 2012 when I joined college. He was working in another country so he took me with him, we stayed together as I was going to school. Whenever his family came to visit I would go to a hostel for that period. I was young and just in love with him more especially that he seemed to be caring so much about me and my family sometimes. Oh BTW, he was my first and I haven’t been with anyone else yet. I just love him regardless of our complicated affair.

    When I finished college, he also resigned from his job and we both returned to our home country. Seeing him now became really a hustle, he started cancelling our meetings, dates etc. When we meet (on a working day, I had to always ask my boss for sometime off work during the day) he could be with me for an hour or two. Then leaves, saying he’s going to pick the kids from school which is ok, or any other reason/excuse and I couldn’t stop him. But I was hurting inside, feeling lonely, not loved and all kinds of feelings that weren’t good.

    Around Sept 2015, he got another job outside the country. He convinced me to quit my job to go and live him, he asked me to apply for a masters degree so that I could go as a student. I was excited and decided to quit my job in July 2016, I went and joined him, I started my Master’s degree classes and all seemed well. Still, his family came to visit, I went to a hotel for two weeks till they left.
    I got used to him locking himself in the bedroom to talk to his family everynight, they would plan to work on huge projects, while he would tell me to focus on my education since I’m a young woman (I’m 25 now), that we shall do big things (like buy a house, start a business, buy car etc) together when Im done with school and I believed him. But he has those things with the wife. However much I try to tell him that we can start now, he always says that I’m still young and in school so I should hold on.

    However, the new job lasted for a short period, so we came back to our home country, both of us jobless, but Ofcourse for him he has investments here and they’re managed by him and the wife.
    Myself Ive tried to find a job but I can’t seem to find any yet I have bills to pay, this guy stopped talking to me in tor two months after I was robbed at gun point and almost raped (luckly I was on my period, that’s how I survived) I was alone in the house in the night.
    A week later after the robbery, he stopped picking my calls, stopped replying my texts, my emails etc. We didn’t have any argument, He just went silent on me without a reason (he has done this in the past and this was the 6th time) . He left me at a time I needed him the most. I cried everyday, I hated my self, I was lonely, heartbroken, I needed answers, I couldn’t talk to anyone he knows since our relationship is a secret. All my friends told me to let go and move on. But trust me it’s not easy.

    A week ago, he sent me a text asking if we could meet, because I love him, and needed answers, I went and met with him.

    He came up with all kinds of lies about me and I couldn’t say anything but got more heartbroken. He told me not to defend myself because he was also in pain, he said he missed me blablabla but I couldn’t believe him. He told me he’s in a dilemma, he said I’m too demanding of his time yet I know he’s married, he told me he wasn’t happy with me going out with my friends (female) especially that time he was silent on me (I really go out since he doesn’t like it).
    He told me I was putting him on pressure about stuff I needed yet I knew he lost his job. He told me that since he actually doesn’t give me enough time he’s afraid that I would start sleeping with other people (this is something I’ve never even thought about).
    I’m not a perfect woman, but I’ve been good to this man. I loved him since I was 19. I know I made the wrong choice of a man to be my first and only love, but that’s what life offered me.

    Here I am, I want to leave him, but I don’t know how. He’s the only person I’ve loved and still love. he doesn’t respect me anymore , he doesn’t have time for me , he even made up lies about me. He feels like he owns me somehow. But I still love him. He’s my weakness. He knows I can’t reject him so he comes around whenever he feels like and leaves as he pleases. I’m so in love with him to the extent that I hate everything around me whenever we ain’t in good terms with him and I’m always the happiest when things go back to normal.

  • Angie

    So after 6 months of this on & off relationship with MM, we finaly ended it. Everytime its me who breaksup but yesterday its him who ended it.. just to giv u a background abt myself, m married for an year & a half & in a happy marriage. Everythin was perfect in my life until this mm walked in my life in november. The story is exactly the same as urs! MM stayed alone here, pursued me, chased a lot, sent msgs on msgs, i got carried away, started spending time, i fell in love, we had sex, mm started showing his true colors after 3 months wen he went back home, withdraws, turns hot & cold, goes invisible on weeknds or anytime wen he felt like, comes back wen he feels like n giv sum excuse, thn agn goes missin, doesnt open my msgs also, i asked for explanation, he says hes busy, with family, or feelin lazy to answer, i asked for being in touch, so i turn clingy & demanding. The cycle kept on repeating itself until i made up my mind this month to end it. I realized this isnt going anywhr & he always belonged to his wife even though he lied that he loves me!! I gave myself deadline of july 1st to end it.. each day i started increasing the distance. I stoppd trackin his status or bombing him with msgs. I found myself craving lesser for him, n i was doing fairly well! Until this weeknd, wen he agn went on invisible mode. This time the reason was phone not working. I finaly got tired of this emotional trauma n sent him a mail ending it. I was on NC mode for 3 days and was doing pretty wel, until ystrday wen he chopped my head agn n said he has understood this relationship wont work .. m back to square one now..same cycle of tears-pain-grief-denial-anger-jealousy-hatred-missin him-longing for him! Amazing isnt it!! I ended it with him multiple times in these 6 months but he always convinced me & never tuk breakup sersly. Though 6 months havnt been rosy for me. I turned way too serious for him, knowing that we dont & cant hav a future together. Hes happily back in his wife’s arms now & thus the change. He was alone in my city n as i wud use the word, i was his ‘fallback girl’. This time he ended it himself. I know for a fact its good only, i dnt hav to wait for the crumbs he used to throw at me. I knew since a long time that he likes havin me as sidepiece, my role was to hear him bragging all the time, stroke his ego & b thr wen he felt a need. Wen i needed him, he was nowhr.. i wud b analyzing him & his words, behavior etc all the time which left my head spinning! I actualy thought that m being demanding & lowered my expectations. I started finding deliberate flaws in my husband n marriage. M sulking all the time, except wen m with him, talking to him, seeing his msgs etc. It took me a lot of courage to understand & accept that hes incapable of loving me the way i expect & deserve, & that all he was looking for was a casual relationship.. he wanted to keep me on his terms n behave myself but wen i asked for his time & attention, he slapped me so hard! I didnt realize wen i turned into his pet (even animals r treated with more respect). So after using me emotionaly n sexually for 7 months almost, hes done with me. I hav become a baggage for him n he wants to get rid of me. He never said all that but its evident from his behavior. He said yesterday i dont want to spoil ur life… BS, he spoiled my life the moment he came into it!! M all crumbled from within, cryin each minute, wishing i cud go back in past & erase THAT unfortunate moment, but i hav no control. I overestimated my healing power & emotional ability.. i thought i can get over him but its difficult, very very difficult!!

  • Lois

    Hey ladies. It’s been awhile sincey last post. Without going back through posts, I am not sure where I left my situation with everyone. So here goes the latest of my mm saga…it’s been since may 22nd the last time we were intimate. We have spoken only because I have initiated it. My situation is unlike many of you because my mm has never told me he loves, maybe has given me a few compliments in the year we’ve been together, and it has never been either of our intent to leave our spouses and families. Honestly, I was at one time infatuated with this guy and thought about him all of the time. I couldn’t get enough of it. Our relationship has been sexual from the beginning…the passion has been gone from my marriage for a long time and ditto for him. We both fill a void. I understand he feels guilt and there are times for me as well. As I said, I was at one time infatuated with my mm but each time that he has ended things there has been less of me that goes back. I don’t hardly text him and can’t tell you the last time that I emailed him. I have slowly weaned myself from him. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to be with him and look forward to our next encounter but there’s always this lingering doubt that he may decide to end things again. So I have my guard up. I know eventually he will end things one too many times and it will be enough. Then again, he may have already decided to and we have not seen each other for him to tell me. I truly don’t know but it’s part of the emotional rollcoaster. I’m one of those women that no would ever believe to be a cheater but it is true and sad that I’ve allowed myself to change so much. I do feel that I am slowly getting stronger. Although I think it’s easier for me to not want to contact him when it’s my decision. Like now, I have no idea where we stand…I believe we are good but who knows with him. I can go several days without contacting him when things are in limbo but I feel differently when he comes our and says it’s over. Hope this makes sense. Anyway, I take one day at a time and make the best of it. I’m hoping to get together next week but only time will tell. I do know it does get easier. The number of days that we have no contact seem to be expanded each time. I know it’s hard…my only advice is gradually wean away from it. I will miss the intimacy but not the emotional drain.

  • Lisa

    3 days of nc from mm. The last time i saw him, i told him i couldnt “do this” anymore. i had anxiety & was crying & depressed. That was Fri. I woke up Sat much better,& ive been fine since then. Until…tonight. i was at the market, & it just hit me like a ton of bricks. From where it came i couldnt tell you because i certainly wasnt thinking about him. But there i was begining to feel sad, mad , anxious, just wanting to leave the cart of groceries & get out of there.
    Needless to say…i stuck it out & finished my shopping.
    All the while allowing my brain to go where it wantes with my thoughts of mm. So here i am turning to the only place i feel i can get support & an understanding of my feelings. For that i thank you ladies from the bottom of my heart.
    Why do i feel like i lost & she won, when i knew he wasnt single from the begining & i didnt anticipate any of this even being more than a “one time maybe two time tops thing”. Which was why i also made sure not to ever be the one to call or text. I figured hed fade away. just…not call & stop texting. A year later here i am hurt because she has him whether he cheats or not, hes not leaving her & hes not an a**hole to her. In fact he caters to her-im close to his mom & sister-the mom vents to me when we go walking & the sister just gossips to me what she knows-not because i ask-more like she gets mad at mm for putting up with her ways. Hes a swat officer works nights also doing side cop gigs and she doesnt cook for him she works in an office up the street from their house and uses that as an excuse why she cant cook or clean or do laundry so his mom goes over and does all that. Any how wtf is he doing with me!? I wonder if he even ever had genuine feelings for me as a person? I wonder what if thinks about me or if he even cares that i said i couldnt see him anymore? Was i just a piece of convienent a**? Am i hurting for someone who felt absolutely nothing for me in his heart?
    If someone can please give me any , ANY type of response , insight, any reply id appreciate it sooo much! Thank you

  • Rebecca

    Well….I’m completely crushed again.
    I’ve been seeing my MM for over two years now. We work together. I have always had a crush on him since the beginning. But I am also in a relationship and sexually not satisfied. I’ve always avoided my MM because I knew how much I was attracted to him. Two years ago we my company had a happy hour meeting. Him and I stayed behind to let traffic die down. We ended up having dinner and going back to a bar that night. I never really talked to him before this because I couldn’t be myself around him. That night we ended up hooking up. The next day I cried because I felt so guilty for cheating. I couldn’t handle it. A few days later we finally decided to talk about what happened and that we should never let it happen again. He agreed and told me that he couldn’t go back and forth on his wife. I told him that we should only speak if it’s work related because I felt that the attraction between is was so powerful that anytime spent together would lead to no good. We did really well for 3 months…we had another happy hour and we ended up alone with each other. That night he said, I know you said we shouldn’t do it again but I can’t stop thinking about it and I was wondering if we can do it one last time?” I was very hesitant but I too couldn’t stop thinking about him. That was the second time we did it. Then over two years later we are still i this mess. We’ve both tried to break it off the first year with no luck. The past year we got closer and more intimate. I tried so many times to break it off but everytime he reaches out I get so happy and then I’m back to square one. We’ve never talked about us being together or him leaving his wife. In fact we never talk about us. We just don’t put a label on it. Until recently we used to text everyday and talk on the phone for an hour 3 times a week. The last time we were intimate was before Mother’s Day. It was a Friday night and we were in a hotel room. His wife kept calling him but he wouldn’t answer. I felt so terrible for his wife and because that could also be me. I asked him to answer it, he said no and just kept focusing on me. I didn’t like this in all honesty. At one point he read a text from her and wanted to rush home, like he was afraid of something. I barely spoke to him after that. I felt him being cold towards me and said he was just too busy and hates saying that. I was asking to see him or just talk to him because I wanted to end it. I decided right then that I wanted to cut it off with him. Since he was too busy to talk I decided that I wasn’t going to even tell him anymore. I was just going to disappear from his life. He sent me a text asking if I was ok on the 18th of May. I didn’t respond and didn’t talk to him for 14 days straight. I was ok and accepted the fact that it was for the better. He emailed me last Thursday, June 1st. He was being his old playful self. He said he needed to talk to me. I told him I couldn’t talk that day but he next day would work for me. I talked to him on the phone last Friday and he wouldn’t tell me what he wanted to tell me. He apologized for being unclear, he meant he wanted to talk to me in person. So, I told him that I had something to tell him. I told him that I couldn’t see him anymore and that I couldn’t be his friend either. He said he was going to say something along the lines of what I had just said except for the part about not being friends. He wanted to be friends still. I told him no, you can’t be friends with someone you want all the time. It doesn’t work that way. He said ok it has to be done. I told him that I wanted to be happy again in my relationship. I want to move on. I really do. I told him that I’m going to focus on my own relationship and start a family with my BF of 8 years. My words were, I’m going to have a baby. I probably misspoke. What I meant was I’m going to have a baby in the future. Anyway, today he wanted to chat. He said something bothered him after we got off the phone on Friday. He said it was what I said about going to have a baby. He just wanted to make sure that I wasn’t pregnant now and that he was off the hook. He said if I was pregnant it would be really bad. I was so annoyed by this. I told him not worry about it, and even if I was I wouldn’t tell him that it’s his because I don’t want to ruin his life. Ugh! I was doing so well and then he does this and makes me feel like crap. Trying to be strong here. Praying for strength to move on. God please help us all..

  • Anonymous

    Hi Jailynn,
    I just read you previous post, looks like it got posted when there was a big holiday here, so that I missed your story. Oh, I can tell you, if this guys wife’s gets ok, and the bible will “allow” him to divorce, he will find another reason why he must stay with his wife. It’s the same story that most of MM tell us to keep us attached to them. I do think it’s just an addiction from your side (I wrote a long post to Mara yesterday about it, but I do not see it been posted, hmm, strange, maybe it’s still in moderation). Such emotional rollercoaster that we experience with MMs is VERY addictive for our brains. When we experience the “high” stage with the MM, it’s a very high “high”, higher, than in the normal relationship, and it acts like a drug for the brain. Then there is a “low” stage, and we get so so low, much lower than it would be in the normal relationship (and the frequency of such “lows” increases with time). But brain only notices the “high” because it’s so pleasant, like a drug user would also have a low “abstinence” when no drug is available, but brain will still want the “high” like crazy. It’s also the reason why it’s hard to leave an abusive relationship. People who have never been in an abusive relationship usually do not understand how it works. The person in such relationship does experience a roller coaster of emotions, plus during that roller coaster the self esteem of the victim becomes more and more damaged, and a woman in such a relationship develops a feeling that only that guy really understands her, really knows her, really is the one and other guys cannot be even compaired to him. And the logical part of such a woman does realize that the guy is abusive, even if he beats her badly and it may even cost her life, her brain is so used to the roller coaster and self esteem is so damaged, that her addiction to that guy wins over any logical reasons. It usually takes many attempts to get out of the abusive relationship EVEN if there is a real danger for life. Our brains are very powerful, so once it gets additive, it’s hard to fight it. But it’s possible. Our relationships with MM are very similar, it’s not physically abusive, but it is emotionally addictive and it does damage the woman’s self esteem. And yes, the feelings that we develop are strong, but those are not love, at least in most cases it’s not, but a very strong addiction.
    Jailynn, you may not believe me, but maybe you will hear me. Your MM is NOT your best friend. Your best friend would be available to you when you have difficult times and when you have happy times. Your married man is “your best friend” only when he has time and when it’s convenient to him. Of course, when you try to walk away, he is going to do anything to keep you. Only YOU are the one to walk away from this “relationship”. Hope my post helps you somehow. Please keep posted updates to your situation, it will help you because it’s important to talk the situation out. And it does help me and others to get thru that horrible period of letting the MM go.

  • Anonymous

    Hi Carly,
    It’s completely normal that you keep checking if he sent you a response. You will be checking it for quite a while. He most likely will contact you again, but please try not to reply to him. Any time you reply him back, even to explain him why you need to be out of the relationship, you are emotionally investing into this relationship and you get trapped again. You can try to practice this technique: start with something small, like not checking anything from you MM for like 1-2 minutes (see what’s the shortest time you can handle. I was only able to handle 1 minute when I started this process :-)). Then slowly increase this time, but do not jump too quickly, like from 2 minutes to 30 min. It may only place you backwards. You may also praise yourself for the time you did not check his responses, like get yourself a nice ice cream, or a walk outside, or whatever you like. I know, you may not want even the things you used to like (I love ice cream and chocolate, but did not want to eat any, so badly I was hurting from this withdrawal thing), but keep praising yourself even if there is no feeling of pleasure, it will appear at some point, just give it time 🙂 The hardest part is when MM will contact you, unfortunately you may respond to him. That’s ok, do not blame yourself too much for it, just if you choose to respond to him try to be very short in your responses, no any deep explanations, no fights, etc., do not involve yourself in the conversation, just be polite like “Hi”, “nice to hear from you”, etc. Something very general. And then try to go NC again after that. Every time your NC phase will be getting longer and longer, easier and easier! 🙂 You may even start to enjoy this thing, how that MM will be trying to reach you but the ball would be in your hands to play with, not in his 🙂

  • Seed

    I did it and so can you! love yourself my dear! loving a married man hurts !if you love yourself you a cause harm to you! so move that love from him to you and see the miracles that will begin to happen. My married man was my soul! I didn’t think I could breathe without him!now here I am 8 months of no contact and am full! am a happy woman! I think straight now, I eat well, I communicate to God better, am in my present state ,my life is awesome! you can do it too.the pain can birth a purpose! So the pain is necessary

  • Leezil

    It’s been a little over 2 weeks since I started NC. All I want to know is if he cares. If he is sad, and hurting. The second thing I hope everything he had said about how horrible his wife and marriage is comes to fruition 10 fold. It’s not fair that I get to b sad, feel like crap snd he gets to go on pretend to b the good husband. I know it’s petty but like I said I hope every bad thing he has said comes to him 10 fold.