5 Ways to Stop Obsessing About Him


Obsessive love is powerful – and destructive – because your heart is captivated. When you can’t stop thinking about him, your life is ruled by an impossible relationship. That’s the bad news. But wait – there’s good news! You CAN stop the destructive train wreck of obsessive love, and you can get emotionally and spiritually healthy again.

What’s your story? Maybe you can’t be with him because he’s a married man, or maybe he’s emotionally unavailable. Maybe you’re unequally yoked; you’re a Christian and he’s not a believer. Maybe you’re getting divorced after 25 years, and you can’t stop thinking about him because he betrayed you. Or maybe you’re hopelessly in love with a coworker who doesn’t know you’re alive. But really, it doesn’t matter what your exact circumstances are! Obsessive love doesn’t care about the facts…it only wants to be together.

I was inspired to write this article by a group of kind, nonjudgmental, loving women who have been supporting each other in the comments section of my article on breaking up with a married man and healing your heart. In fact, they were so supportive that I had to turn off comments on that article! We were approaching 1,300 comments, and it was too much for one blog post.





So, I decided to write an article to help women who are struggling with obsessive love, and who can’t stop thinking about a man.

Here’s a recent comment from the married man article:

“Only recently have I truly accepted the fact that the man I love isn’t leaving his wife,” says Anon. “I am only getting the crumbs of his love and emotion. I’m not even good enough to call or message even though He says it isn’t fair to me but I can’t imagine me not being in his life. What am I supposed to do? I can’t stop thinking about him and I know I have to let him go, but I can’t. He was my soulmate and I believe that. I can’t even be mad because I started this affair, I knew what I was doing. But love is love. Now, how do I get out of love without feeling the weight and guilt of losing my soulmate? I still want him to call. I still want him to leave her, but I know he won’t.”

How to Stop Obsessing About Him

These tips are for all women struggling with obsessive love. If you feel like you can’t stop thinking about a man you’re in love with, you will find a least a seed of hope and healing here.

1. Stop saying “I can’t stop thinking about him”

The more you tell yourself that you’ll never get over this relationship, the harder it’ll be to heal and move on. You believe what you tell yourself, and your feelings follow your thoughts. So, instead of saying you can’t stop thinking about him, focus your mind on positive ways to move forward.

In your private journal or the comments section below, write a replacement for the “can’t stop thinking about him” thought. For example, I’d focus on thoughts of healing, hope, joy, and letting go. I’ve been hurt really badly in past relationships — but I healed and moved on! Those past hurts and breakups helped me see that I can let go of a past relationship and be free and happy again.

2. Get to know your shadows and weaknesses

“Your shadow refers to all the things you hide, push away, or run from,” writes Hibbert and Those in Who Am I Without You?: Fifty-Two Ways to Rebuild Self-Esteem After a Breakup. “Your shadow is the things you deny and wish you didn’t see in yourself. The more we run from or deny the shadow, however, the bigger and scarier it becomes. It’s only in exposing shadows to the light that they disappear. As we face our weakness, our darkness, we take the shadow’s power away.”

Who Am I Without You? has a great tool for not only seeing and healing your shadow, but for rebuilding your life after a relationship ends.

If you’re focused on this obsessive love and you can’t stop thinking about him, then you’re not looking at someone more important: you. Well, actually, Jesus is THE most important person you could ever look at because only He has the power to heal you. For now, though, you need to take your eyes of this man (especially if he’s a married man who is cheating on his wife, who he vowed to love and cherish). Stop giving into to the selfish weak parts of your heart, and start learning why you’re so obsessed with this relationship.



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3. Look at yourself through your mom’s or daughter’s eyes

Imagine sitting down with your mom or daughter, and telling her all about this relationship.

obsessive love can't stop thinking about him

5 Things You Must Do to Stop Thinking About Him

What would it be like to tell her you can’t stop thinking about him? How would it feel to explain the depths of your obsessive love, the length of the dark shadows in your heart? What would she say about this relationship, and how would see see you?

If you can’t tell your mom or daughter about this man – or your feelings for him – then this relationship has the power to destroy your life. But it’s not just the relationship that has power — it’s your shadow side and weakness that is giving in! You are allowing feelings of obsessive love to control your life. You are giving in to the idea that you can’t stop thinking about him. You are being weak.

But, you don’t have to be weak anymore.

4. Find light, life, power, strength, healing, and freedom

Are you humbled and maybe even crushed because you’ve seen your dark side? Good. Perfect! This means you’re ready to be filled with the light, life, power, strength, healing, peace, and joy of freedom. You must hit rock bottom of obsessive love before you can start to heal and rise.

You can’t do this alone. You won’t find the power, strength, and healing you need in yourself — for you know how weak you are. You spirit is willing, you want to stop thinking about him, but you can’t because you aren’t God. You are simply a woman in love.

And, you won’t find strength you need to overcome the power of obsessive love in the comments section of online articles – even if they’re all about how to stop thinking about someone. Why? Because you’re simply dwelling in the pit of despair. The more you write and talk about what you can’t have and can’t overcome, the stronger those feelings of helplessness get.

5. Renew your mind

Stop allowing your emotions to rule your life! You are a grown woman, not a two year old child. You are smart. You are worthy of healthy love and a committed relationship that is filled with respect and honor. You are valuable because God created you in His image, to glorify Him. You are beautiful because God has a mission and purpose for your life.

obsessive love can't stop thinking about himIn Living Beyond Your Feelings: Controlling Emotions So They Don’t Control You, Joyce Meyer teaches how to live beyond the emotions that can control us. She discusses obsessive love, uncontrollable anger, jealousy, fear, insecurity, loss, and grief.

It’s time for you to start focusing on what you want to CREATE in your life, not what you wish you had. Dwell in the land of possibility, hope, and freedom – not the wasteland of obsessive love. Stop saying you can’t stop thinking about him. Start cleaning up the mess and moving on with your life.

What say you? I know it’s hard to overcome those powerful feelings of obsessive love. I totally get it; I’ve been there. But, I also know that there comes a time for us to get out of the shadows and start living in the light.

It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

Your comments are welcome below! I’d love to hear from you. I don’t give advice, but you may find that sharing your story will help you heal and move on. Sometimes just getting it all out can be the most healing thing we can do…as long as we don’t dwell in the pit of despair.

Take a deep breath. Look up. Feel the light on your face. Receive the love of the spirit. You are alive and well, and you are here for a reason.



xo




Your thoughts are welcome below! I don't give advice, but you can get free relationship help from marriage coach Mort Fertel.




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623 thoughts on “5 Ways to Stop Obsessing About Him

  • LifeLessons

    This is the weirdest situation that I have ever been in. I know you all may judge me a little, i am judging myself! Last night our sons had a sporting event and neither of us was there but his wife was able to attend the game. My child called and said oh his mom dropped me off…which means she knows where I live!!
    He calls and says you wasnt at the game so she took your child home and I said yes I know. He said he knew I wasnt going to be there because he knows i have a different activity I attend with my younger child. I said boy oh boy how akward will this be when this is over…I said I will still have to see you all. He said well you dont have to see us and I said but of course I do for the next few years and he says well I guess that means you and I will make it work for the next few years. I said you really are something else, I said I just dont know how to feel about the fact that she thinks I am this sweet girl who helps them out time to time with their kid. He has told me she says I am a nice sweet person…I said I am not a nice person he says yes you are! He said do you think we can combine our gifts for you for Christmas and I laughed, he said seriously…she is going to send me out to pick up a gift for you because you help us out. I said I dont want to take a gift from her, i feel bad enough on the inside! He said well she should be thanking you forreal! His phone started breaking up so who knows what he was saying. We havent had sex in a month but talking to each other daily is not good, its becoming an emotional attachment which is not good for me. How in the hell am i going to get out of this with him and his family ? If we stop, will the kids sense the tension, will his wife notice something because she knows we talk?
    I love talking to him, he makes me laugh and we talk about life, kids, work, relationships etc..so its confusing because on one hand hes a good buddy to talk to, and on the other hand hes having an affair with me. Ehhh…this is such a horrible thing I have gotten myself involved in…I want to let go but then I dont because I dont want to feel lonely. This is so desperate of me to actually continue to deal with someone elses husband…I am so embarrassed of myself! Grrrrr….what do i do ladies ???

  • Ash

    Hello ladies, I just have to tell someone, who won’t judge, this is why I am here. I prayed, and repented, but my hearts still aches. I was in a relationship with mm for over 6 months. We are both 38 and I am married also. I have good marriage, he is too, just something got missing and we both ran into each others arms (unfortunatelly). Our families were close to each other, and we were good friends. Both of us have the same personalities just like our spouses are alike aslo. I was having problems in my marriage, and he was also, and here we go. I am so mad at myself for allowing it to happen, but whats done is done. We are very emotionally close, or I should say we were, because I let go 4 days ago. We did have physical relationship also, which every time will make him feel quilty (I was feeling guilt too, but I am so in love with him that this feeling I just shut off). He will start hiding from me, stop communicating, etc. I tried to let go, and he did too, and every time he will want back, and I did take him back (an idiot in love I am). This last time I had enough. We did talk and depart friends, but I know that it is no friendship possible between us. We are attracted to each other like crazy, our brains fall out when we are together alone. So I know I lost a friend. I am hurting emotionally and physically, like some heavy weight just laying on my chest. I am very ashamed of what I have done, I believe in God, and I am crying to Him every day, every minute. I think I am going through withdrawals like an addict. I do feel good, and all of a sudden this pain hits me, so I go to my closet, and just cry like crazy.
    I have to face him 2 times a week. I can try and get out of one time, but still have to see him. I am not showing my emotions, and always with a smile on my face, but it does hurt. I am trying to focus on my husband, and kids, and other things I love to do, but I do still let thoughts about him to creep into my mind. He did tell me that he will be waiting for time in our lives when we can be together, that I am the love of his life till his last breath. The funny thing is that I do believe him, but I do know that we cannot live double lives, and distroy our families, lie to our spouses, children, ruin our souls. I know the decision is right. He agreed to cut contact as much as possible, except these 2 days a week. We stopped texting, calling. I am hurting, and I am crying. I mis him very much, especially our emotional closeness that I havent had with any other man in my life. I do believe it will get better. I am praying it will happen very soon because sometimes this pain feels unbearable. I am emotionally exausted, but I am looking forward to healing. No one knows about us, but I am hurting so much, I needed to talk to someone and found this forum. I dont want to be judged, I am doing it to myself already, I know that wht I did is wrong in so many ways. Thank you all for your thoughts and stories, they did help me. I pray for healing and peace. I will be thankful for any word of encouragement, I really need it.

  • J

    Hello everyone,
    Well my rollercoaster continues. I’m so confused I no longer even know what to think. My mm begged me to still communicate with him after 10 days of no contact and him driving to my home and work. Kissed and hugged me, said he can’t resist me even though god wants him to work on his marriage. Then told me things have to be different and he can’t keep putting me first, which is news to me because I haven’t felt first in a year. He’s been on wife non stop to lose weight, hoping he will become attracted to her. Told me he attempted sex with her for a second time (after 3 years of no sex supposedly). Said he couldn’t stay erect at all. So he gave her oral sex, which seems very odd to me. Would a man who isn’t attracted to his wife give her oral sex. I just don’t know what to believe anymore. Then I went away over the weekend with another man and he pretty much went crazy with jealousy. Non stop questions asking me if I had sex with the other guy. Admitted he was in a jealous rage and suddenly needed to be with me again. Now he’s asking me to go to a hotel with him again this weekend. I don’t think I want to after he was with his wife because it truly makes me sick to my stomach. He also has told me that he still wants to make his marriage work but can’t live with out me. In the same conversation he asked me to go to a hotel room and later told me he’s taking a class with his wife to get closer to her. I asked him not to do that and he just said sorry, then was sure to tell me he made this arrangement with his wife during the no contact period when I was ignoring him. Trying to punish me? He changes what he says everyday. Pushes me away and then wants me back. Is it all a manipulation to keep me around as his back up plan? Is he truly a narcissist? Does a man who is really so not attracted to his wife really give her oral sex? I asked him if he liked it and he said it was ok but was nothing in comparison to being with me. I’m so confused? Would it be absolutely ridiculous and degrading myself if I go with him to a hotel room? It was bad enough before when he was telling me our relationship was going somewhere and we’d eventually be together. But now I’m supposed to continue seeing him while he’s supposedly working on his marriage??!! Please help! Any words of advice, thoughts or opinions will really help.

    • LifeLessons

      J, its amazing how these men confide in us and give us details that we could go without. The nerve of him to inform you of sexual acts he perform on his wife. I think you have to make a decision about whether or not you can tolerate him working on his marriage and seeing you at the same time. As far going to the hotel of course its not the best thing to do if you are trying to get out of this but if you do you are human so dont be yourself up too much. Its not easy to break things off but you can do it if you really want to. I just cant believe he gave you details of their sexcapade. How insensitive. He may honestly care for you but he is not willing to make a committment to you. I think men try their hand and they see what they can get away. The MM im seeing told me that men ride it until the wheels fall off which means he will go with this for as long as you will so you have to decide what you want to do and all of us are here to suppsort you as you figure it out.

    • cjay

      J, please do not meet MM for sex at a hotel (or anywhere). Respect yourself and remind him of his commitment to his marriage. I can’t believe he thinks discussing sex with his wife is appropriate. The class they are going to take is supposed to make them closer physically and emotionally. He cannot focus on his marriage and have sex with someone other than his spouse. Do not let him manipulate and confuse you. Stay strong. Remind him that he’s committed to staying with his wife. His actions and words need to reflect that commitment.

      You didn’t comment on your feelings about the other guy. I’m assuming he is single. No judgement from me if he’s not :). Did you enjoy time spent away from MM?

    • Lois

      WOW, J. I am not sure what to say except I can understand why you are so confused. As you know, the MM in my life uses his relationship with GOD as an excuse and now says he needs to honor his wife’s efforts in changing, so he could not be with me anymore. Oh and do not forget that I have driven a wedge between them. Although, he has never came right out and said they do not have sex he has made comments about not being to last long because it has a long time. WHATEVER…it is one lie after another, so I do not know what to believe. Honestly, I would not go with him to a hotel after telling me he gave his wife oral sex…to know where his mouth has been kind is repulsive. I cannot believe he would tell you something like that…talk about daggers to the heart. At one point, I was willing to wait on the side to see if MM could repair his marriage but after this last time and things he said about feeling trapped, I do not think so anymore. It has been 6 days of NC and my eyes have opened to many things. I am so tired of the emotional rollercoaster. I truly want to be free of it. If they want to fix their marriages, I say let them. I do not know about you but for me, I was the one who was at his beckon call, brought him candy, sent him flattering messages, and I can count one hand the number of compliments he gave me over the last year and half. Trust me, I did more for him than he did for me. Is he worth the drama and heartache? Even if you did go with him to the hotel, the next day or next week he will ignore you and go right back to the same old excuses. You have come to far to let him weasel his way back in. We all deserve better! It’s not easy because we have feelings for these men; but what about our feelings should not they be considered. Of course, it is always easier said than done. I know, I have been down this road too many times. Sending prayers. Please keep me posted. My personal email is riverrat1970@yahoo.com. Feel free to contact me.

  • Lois

    Sorry, I keep posting but have found it to be helpful as I struggle with letting go of MM. It’s day 6 of NC. Although I do miss him, my emotions are kind of numb. I have included him on a couple of emails that were strictly work-related and he has responded only to me; thank you; thanks for keeping me in the loop, etc. on things he does not necessarily need to respond. I am not sure if it’s way of reaching out or what but the old me would have replied your welcome…no problem or something but not this time. As I posted, I have bumped into him a few times in the hall but never made eye contact and he never spoke. Today, he walked passed and sort of glanced up…he smiled and said good morning. I told him last week that even his smile melted my heart, thus, we needed to have no contact. Maybe I am thinking too much but seems like his settle way to have some kind of communication. What do you think? am I overthinking it? Either way, I do not plan to have any communication with him. This is what he wanted and cannot get passed him telling how trapped he felt at times. Just needed to vent, so thanks for listening. I am so looking forward to these feelings going away.

    • Felk

      Hi Lois, No apologies for posting here. That’s why we all post here… to feel understood, to know others have experienced the same thing, to try to figure out what we’re feeling and thinking, to try to figure out what he’s thinking and feeling, and, most, to just give us a place to vent and write and think and feel and distract ourselves from the obsession of him. Kudos to you, really, for 6 days of NC and I know how hard that is when you work with someone. Hard to know if his replies to you are a subtle way of getting a little contact with you, but, probably. If he doesn’t have to respond to the e-mail, then it’s probably just a little way for him to feel close to you. No matter how much we want to be mad at them (and sometimes they deserve our anger) they’re often hurting, too, when the relationship ends (even if they chose to end it). You’re doing the right thing with no contact, though, if you want to be done feeling the awful/hard/miserable/excruciating/obsessive stuff that we’ve all felt. Space is the best thing for the both of you. I really do believe that, even if you’re to be civil and friendly again at work, you need space to get over the intense feelings. Keep reminding yourself that he said he felt trapped. He meant it. And he didn’t mean it as a knock on you. It was the situation, but if the situation wasn’t changing, then he was still going to feel trapped. For me, I remind myself of my MM telling me multiple times, in the months before we ended, how he felt he had no choice but to continue and he felt resigned to our situation. Really romantic, huh? He was so worn out trying to be present in his marriage and be present for me, but he felt he couldn’t leave either (especially because he has two children). While I didn’t want him to leave me, I also didn’t want him to stay with me because he didn’t know how to leave. I wanted him to be with me because he wanted to be with me, not because he didn’t know how not to be with me. I don’t know if that makes sense, but at some point several months ago, it felt like he stopped choosing us and started feeling trapped. I know he still loves me. Maybe that makes it easier. Maybe that makes it harder. I don’t know. But I know that he did the right thing by ending it. He was worn out, and his struggle with us wasn’t making me feel very good.

      • Lois

        Thanks, Felk. I really appreciate your support and response. I am going on day 7 of NC and it has been tough especially on his birthday. I just keep replaying what he said about feeling trapped in my mind. During all of this chaos, my friend passed away from cancer, so it has been an emotional week for many reasons. My hurt is nothing compared to the hurt my friend’s family is feeling right now. To be honest, I am not too sure he really has feelings for me other than filling his sexual void. Last week was the first time, he told me in a chat that he had feelings for me greater than just caring. I replied really and he said well I thought you knew how I felt. His actions never showed it. I always had to initiate the conversation and our sexual times together because I think he liked the teasing that led up to the sex. Reflecting upon things, I always made sure his needs were met but never mine…almost one time it lasted longer and came to close to climax but other than that it was always wam…bam. Sorry for too much information. I am just trying to wrap my head around things and sort through things reality. I enjoyed the chase, the passion and excitement of being sneaking around closed doors but in the end it was never going anywhere. I did not have any intention of leaving my family nor did he. So, I take it one day at time and come to realize “It is what it is”. Hell yes it hurts and it’s a struggle. I am trying to move on and get past these feelings. Thanks again!!

  • Lois

    Hello everyone. It’s been 5 days of NC. I’m actually proud of myself for not caving yesterday to tell MM happy birthday. I have been tempted several times and would compose a text then delete it. I just cant get past him telling me how he felt trapped and how the affair drove a wedge between him and his wife. He told me numerous times that the guilt felt was for the kids not his wife. So, I was a little confused. He still continues to bring his study bible to work and lay it on his desk. I don’t think he opens it…just seems for show or maybe it’s their to remind him to ignore the temptations. I’m really clueless on his motives. I confided in a friend who is a counselor and she basically said the same as all of you. Sounds like a narassist and not to let him manipulate that this has been all my fault. She said he wants to blame me for his actions and only he can control what he does and doesn’t do. She said it’s an addiction and treat it like one. I’m taking one day at a time so hoping for day 6 of NC. I really am trying. It’s not easy because I miss the bantering but not the emotional rollcoaster. I have seen him several times but don’t make eye contact. It’s hard but I’m stubborn. Hope all of you are doing well. Thanks for listening. I will keep you posted.

  • Lois

    Ugh, I am struggling today! I bumped into MM in the hall and did not even make eye contact. I looked down at the floor. Then, I walked passed his office and sure enough there lies his Bible on his desk. Do you think it’s for me and others to see? Or is it for himself, so he does not backslide? He may be full of crap about the church and religion thing…he may attend but that does not mean is spiritual. My friend told me he attended church during the time he had an affair with her…but did not use that as the excuse it was always the guilt about his kids. I think the church excuse is for my benefit because he knows it bothers me. I just want to be free of the emotions and want the desire to be gone! Today is his birthday and do not plan on saying a word about it. I thought about him over the weekend but not like before it was more that I felt pity for his family. He has had two affairs in the last 5 years that I know of, so how many more has he had that no one knows about? I know he was very flirtatious with an instructor who told me one night at happy hour that he had told her how bad things were at home, so i often worried if they did not hook up. Thus, another reason I would never have a relationship with this guy because I could not trust him. Before this affair, I had been with the same man for 30 years and have no desire to get involved with anyone again. So it blows my mind that he did again with me after ending it with my coworker. There just seems to be a pattern and do not think he can stay faithful to his wife. Just keep me in your prayers as I struggle today to keep my distance. It is has been 3 days of NC and plan on making it 4!!! I am taking one day at a time. Thanks

  • Lois

    It’s me again. First, I would like to let foreverwaiting that I met MM wife today at Christmas play. It was by accident but she was very friendly…not like I thought. I actually felt horrible and felt badly for you because she is married to a real pig. I went to this Christmas play and bought seats. You are not going to believe who set in the row directly in front of me….MM and 3 of his kids. We didn’t even make eye contact. He was probably squirming in his seat. I hope the guilt truly hit him like he claims. I did very well and have surprised myself as to well I’m handling it. Like I said, I felt more sorrow for his wife who doesn’t have a clue. I don’t wish bad things on anyone. I truly hope he’s not the pig that I believe he is and he’s trying to do right by his family. I just don’t know but for his kids I hope it’s the truth. I also hope the way I feel right now continues because I just feel numb and pity for his wife.

    • Thistooshallpass

      Lois,
      My heart goes out to you. You have a lot of fortitude and the story above is a testament to your strength. I would’ve run out of there like a crazy person.

      Perhaps this is a sign from above to remind yourself that he is unavailable. If it keeps you away from him please keep this memory in the forefront of your mind. When you feel somber think about a daughter, sister or best friend in a similar relationship. What would you implore them to do? What would you want for them? Love yourself as you love others.

      If you need closure please identify a way to attain that. Write a goodbye letter and don’t send. If you need to speak with him and say goodbye do it now and close the door permanently. I have not spoken to mine since last Wed when we parted ways. I will tell you that I felt some semblance of closure but not entirely. Endings aren’t pleasant even if it’s somewhat amicable. They are riddled with painful emotions thus you never walk away feeling like everything was said as intended. There’s still so much confusion, angst and doubt. Anyhow, I’ve resigned to the fact that I have to let go on my own. I have to figure out my own salvation and I will as will you.

      I wish all the wonderful contributors here a wonderful holiday season whatever you celebrate.

      • Lois

        Thisshallpasstoo, I sincerely appreciate your kind words and suggestions. I’m actually proud of myself for not caving today. Normally, I would have apologized for the award situation and told him how badly i felt for putting him in that situation even though it was by accident. I didn’t this time. It’s his birthday party and it was a struggle but didn’t speak a word or even make eye contsct. This is what he wanted…to end things. So I’m doing just that leaving him alone and moving on. Truth be known, it probably didn’t even bother him that I was distant because it’s what he wanted. It most likely bothered me more. Oh well. It’S day 4 of no contact and hopeful tomorrow will be less of a struggle. Please continue to keep me in your prayers!

  • Lost In Love...

    My Trauma started 32 yrs ago, I was 23 He was 29 and a state police officer I was a dispatcher both different agencies, It was love at first site for both of us, we were both married to others. we started an affair in 1985 about 1 yr after we met, that has lasted on and off for 32 yrs now. he would come visit and talk with me, I knew he was interested in me and I loved it he was so tall and handsome, In Oct 1985 he found out I was separated, that same night he came looking from me at the Police dept, so after work at midnight I went out riding with him, my life changed that night forever, even though my husband and I got back together a few months later, we continued our affair until Aug 1988 when he transferred to a different city and did’nt tell me, I wondered why he had not called me so I called his sub station and found out he had transferred I was so heart broken, and devastated he had always treated me like a queen we never had not 1 disagreement, he was always so sweet with me, we got a long so well and had so much fun together. my husband always had girlfriends and 2 children with other women while i was married to him, and was very abusive, so this man was the best thing that had ever come into my life, while my husband was busy taking care of his girlfriends this man took care of all my wants and needs and taught me about love, I never had with my husband.

    So 4 years later in 1992 I get a phone call from MM at work, he had called a friend of mine at her work and asked her for my work number which she gave him, he wanted and begged to see me and I said I could’nt because that was really the only year my husband and I were doing good and getting along, so I refused but we exchanged numbers and kept in touch. Now its May 1996 my husband moves out with his new girlfriend and it just so happened that my MM called me that same week, said he wanted to see me and if I would go meet him in his hotel for the night, I could not resist the offer I missed him so much and still loved him we had the best night, after that we still kept in touch my husband and I divorced in 1999, which I did see my MM 1 time in 1999, then again he transferred and did’nt tell me, we lost contact again, and for 18 years I new nothing of him, I was busy raising my kids working 2 jobs and helping with grand kids and yes he was a daily thought of mine, I still loved him and missed him but went on with my life, So in July 2017, he finds me again on FB, I wake up that morning and I’m shocked but not surprised that he has found me again, we talk without seeing each other, we decided that we would wait until Oct 23 which would be 32 yrs ago that we had our first date to see each other, by now were both still in love, we talk almost every day, and finally after 18 years were back in bed together, we spend the whole day together and enjoy each other, I’m still single and he is still married to the same women. I’m now 55 and he is 62 and boy what I would do to make him mine, I love him so much and he is still the most handsome man I’ve ever laid eyes on, but things have changed even with all this new technology, I cant call him, I cant text him and can only respond when he has time to talk, if he wants to tell me something but I cant respond he puts DNA on the text, do not answer.. He’s not so sweet anymore, he no longer treats me like a queen, I’m not a priority, he says i’m so busy I don’t know when I can see you again, especially during the holidays, i’m like wait a min, if you love someone you want to spend time with that person especially during the holidays, he says we have to plan and I’m like “you have to plan not me,” I can see you anytime, so needless to say I’ve only seen him 2 times to this date, I’m now on anxiety medication, cant sleep at night and having a hard time dealing with not being able to see him as much as he promised he would see me, want so bad to move on, but so afraid to loose him again, I’m afraid if I loose him this time it might be forever, life is to short…

    • Jazzman

      Hi Lost in Love… Your situation is much more complex. But the basics are the same as all of us here. In love with a MM. Cannot be with him. He says he loves you too. This can go on for years and decades even, as is evident by your case. Have you seeked out therapy for this? How can this man give you anything? Are you willing to live on crumbs for the rest of your life? Is being handsome and charming everything to you? How about honesty and integrity. Is that important?

      You can still live a decent life from here on, if you cut contact with this man. If you still want to live a decent life. You could still meet someone else. So what if they are not as good looking. Looks are not the judge of anyone’s character. Only judge people by their action. Not by their words, their looks, their status nothing. I want you to know that what you are going through a lot of us have been through. We are all trying to help each other out to live better more humane lives. I wish the same for you!. He is obviously not going to leave his wife. I think he has made that clear in the decades you have known him. Even if he does leave her, he might never be happy with that choice. I want you to find the peace and happiness you are looking for and you will not find it waiting for this man. Think about it. Meditate and ask yourself what you truly believe.

      Good luck!
      alliswelllouis@gmail.com

      • Mary H Tarango

        Thank you so much Jazzman for your response, everything you said is so true, I know I need to move on, I know he will never leave his wife for me, and I probably wouldn’t want him to, because he would probably do the same to me that he’s done to her. I want so much to have the energy to move on, I know I can never forget him as much as I want to, I just want my life back and him out if it.

    • LifeLessons

      Hi Lost in Love,

      An amazing story that was. 32 yrs?! It has only been 11 months for me but I can see how that could turn into years. When someone can make you feel so good, why on earth would you want to let that go. However, you cant allow your health to decline while waiting around for him. You still have to take care of yourself! Continue to keep yourself busy with your family. You have to keep in mind that things have changed over the years and you have to roll with the changes.

      I couldnt understand how my grandmother could be in such a open relationship with a MM. Growing up, i had a lot internal judgement but as an adult I can see how and after reading your story I can see how it lasts so long. My grandmother was seeing a MM from 1985-2014. My grandma is now 75 and hes older than her and I honestly think the only reason they stopped seeing each other is because theyre older and both have health issues. My entire family new about the affair…most of my aunts (her daughters) didnt agree with it at all. It caused confusion at times because when my grandma had a stroke, he called 911 but was unable to come to the hospital and my family was upset but even then in my head, I remember thinking what do they want from him he is a MM. Once she recovered and came home he came around to see her. He always seemed like a nice guy and I didnt understand how he was married but had a open relationship with my grandma . I remember her cooking thanksgiving dinner and she would say I have to put this food away for Mr._____ and he would come over the next day to sit and eat. My mom and i just had a conversation about it and she explained to me…his wife knew about my grandma and his family loved my grandma but because of their religion he did not divorce his wife and he would not divorce his wife. My grandma was still legally married to my granddad but they had been seperated since I was born. I havent heard or seen him around in a while so I am unsure if they still see each other but throughout my life their relationship has always been on/off. I use think what type of life is that…to know someone would never be all yours and you have to sit around and wait until they are available, you cant have table talk with your girlfriends, you would be judged by everyone. Who wouldve thought I would find myself in the same situation. Its such a rollercoaster ride…one minute you are on cloud 9, the next you are asking yourself how long can you live like this.

      I am not sure either of you will allow things to be over forever because 32 yrs on/off is a long time but I would say you have to think of yourself and what you want and committ to that! If you want to move forward with him you already know the odds are he will only be available for you part time, you will have to accept not being able to call him and see him on your time. If you know you cant take this and it will continue to affect your health you have to do some other things and date other men, keep yourself busy! Im afraid, I am going to be in this situation with a MM for just as long as my grandma….I dont know if I want to break things off and I enjoy having him as a companion because that is what he is for me. We talk daily and that is what I enjoy I dont need him to shower me with gifts or to have sex with me daily (although the sex is amazing) my life revolves around my children and he make me feel like a woman not a mom. However, I think how long can I do this with him as a secret…will our kids catch on because theyre friends and have classes together, will his wife find out because she knows we talk and she thinks Im a sweet person (that makes me feel sick) and she has told him she thinks Im a sweet person and she is supposedly getting me a gift for Christmas because I help them out with their child (I help everyone out especially when it comes to kids, that is who I am as a person). I wonder how akward it would be if we stopped dealing with each other but our kids are friends, they play the same sport, they attend the same school and theyre in the same grade, we live 3minutes from each other, I did not think about these things when we first got involved. It is stressful at times but you have to keep yourself busy and keep you as your number 1 priority.

      Best Wishes

      • Lost in Love

        Thank you so much for your response, I can only Imagine the love your grandma had for MM, holding on to it for so long the love in her heart for him. That’s how I feel and really wish I could keep him forever. If only he could promise me more I would settle, but in reality I know I need to go on with my life, just so afraid of loosing him forever…

  • Lois

    Hello, everyone! I finally made a decision to send MM a chat telling him that it’s best we have no further contact because the remaining friends thing was not working. I had made progress and every bit of it went right out the door last week when things heated back up again. Of course as always, I initiated the conversations but he was receptive to it! If timing would have been better, we would have been caved to the sexual desires but we both had to leave work. He actually texted me that he was disappointed it did not happen and wanted to know more about the dream I had mentioned. I was back on cloud nine again to only things crash down around me once again. I should have left things as they were but no sent him a explicit, descriptive email Saturday about my dream. I did text him asking if he still wanted to know and he said yes. I have been so wrapped up in this guy that I have been listening to his church service that are streamed live to know what to expect out of him. Please do not judge me, I do believe in GOD and cannot believe I have allowed my values and morals to decline. I do enjoy the preacher; he is very good and trust me I felt convicted too because he spoke about sin and hiding sin, etc. It felt like the service was directed at us…I KNOW IT WAS BAD! So, I sent him a text apologizing for my behavior that caused both of us to weaken. He was out of the office Monday and partially Tuesday. I even questioned if he was staying home to keep his distance from me but he claims plumbing issues…who knows the truth. We did finally talk on Tuesday and he said was to struggling with all of it. I sent him a chat…he replied but I did not reply to it, so he must have gotten concerned because he replied again “must of said something wrong”. I had myself convinced it was best to leave things alone but for the life me I cannot do it! He has been carrying his Bible with him every day to work and leaving it on his desk…guess to give me a message who knows? After reading the posts here, I decided the NO CONTACT is the only way for me to end this nightmare. I do not want to but I cannot force him to be with me. So, I sent him a chat explaining why I thought NC was needed, etc. No response. After only 1 day if that, i contacted him and told him that I was struggling and he said he was too. We chatted back in forth and finally I went to his office to talk in person. He admitted he has feelings for me. He said his wife has been really trying so he needs to respect that she is putting forth an effort especially for the kids. He told me that he felt our affair had a put a wedge between them; but he has always said he did not feel guilt because of her it was the kids. Once again, who knows the truth? He agreed we could not be friends and distance is the only option. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I told him to give me a day or two and thanked for his patience with me until I can suppress my feelings. He made the comment that he regretted going down this path with me and knew better after having gone down the path before with our coworker which did not end well because she hates me. He said he has tried stepping back from the affair but has felt trapped because I would not let go. This hurt me and told him so. Yes, I would initiate the chats but he had a way about him by his comments and body gestures that let me know he was receptive to the flirtation. Just like he made the comment one day last week, that he probably would not last long because it had been such a long time…which I took that him and his wife havent had sex in while. Does this sound like a guy who wanted to end things? I deleted his number in my phone because he wont contact me, it’s the other way around. Unfortunately, I have the number memorized but it’s the mental thought that I made the step. I have also blocked him from my chat, so I do not see his name and give in to the temptation to contact him. My stubborness has kicked and do not see myself making him feel trapped again or driving the wedge further between them. I actually feel badly for his wife because in 5 years he has had two affairs that I know of…I think he has a problem? I do need to figure things out with my marriage but once in this mess is enough for me! I will keep you posted.

    • ForeverWaiting

      Lois

      You are not driving a wedge and you are not drawing him in or doing anything to stop him growing up.

      This man simple wants to have a wife at home and enjoy affairs on the side. He seems to ‘mirror’ you and pretends to feel guilt but anyone that can have affairs, and more than one in a marriage does not feel guilt and has a heart of ice – and will always blame the wife!.
      This man is just a cheat and no bible carrying or preaching or wonderful service giving can hide that fact. He took his vows and is breaking every single one and needs to stop hiding behind this and lying. How day he make a mockery of a religion and the special vows many hold dear.

      Also, what about your poor poor husband? Doesn’t he deserve to be set free and to find a partner that is faithful to him that focuses 100% on them? Now I’m in a 100% committed relationship I realise the emotional damage all this does and the waste of the partners time. Both your MMs wife and your husband deserves partners not wasting their time. I think you need to evaluate your unhappiness at home and consider leaving your marriage and starting afresh, your husband deserves better.

      Also stop analysing your MM movements and service, he just wants an affair and knows you will come running. You also never have to explain you’re going ‘NC’ – you just do. You have nothing to explain or justify. Find a hobby, do some charity work and throw your energy into something worthwhile rather than something so wrong and damaging. And most of alll stop hanging on to something thats going nowhere with a manipulator who seems to hide behind a bible and his status… what a narcissist.

      • Lois

        Hello. ForeverWaiting. I sincerely appreciate your response and agree with most of it. I am actively involved in lots of things and have tried numerous times in my marriage. Unfortunately, there is another side to how I got to this point to have an affair. If thints at home were different and was treated well, do you think for a second I’d be in this spot. I’ve been married for 28 years and have 3 children (19 and twins 15). My husband resents out children. It’s been a constant fight about them playing sports. He us obsessed with money and about 2 years ago went off the deep edge with religion to the point he no longer listens to music it’s sermons. The kids and I do nothing wrong. He has no friends. My boys have asked that I not leave because he has no one. I do lII’ve him but not on the love. I’ve told him numerous times things need to change and they do for awhile. I can’t hurt my kids and take away their life. I’m trying to make the best of it. In doing so, I’m working on things at home but have to get MM out of my heart. That’s why I am here…searching for help and support to get through this mess. I enjoyed the passion felt between MM and I but have realized it’s not worth the risk of children’s respect. I can and will get through it. There will be tough times ahead but I will manage and succeed to be rid of MM.

    • Thistooshallpass

      Hi Lois,
      No interaction is the best for you. Every time you do, it’ll send you into a whirlwind of confusion and sadness. No matter what they say or do something will lead to further pain. There’s no way around it. I’m more content without him in my life (when we’ve taken pauses I felt relieved but missed him). I can’t be friends with someone I want romantically. Hearing about the spouse, his family and even little things like grocery shopping or little errands together sent daggers into my heart. It sends a very clear message that he is sharing his life with another woman and that is not me. I can’t torture myself with that and hence I bid him farewell. The longer you distance the better you’ll feel. It may not be a linear progression but it will be a vast improvement from the current state. Please keep us posted! I’ll do the same to keep myself in check.

      • Lois

        Thistoshallpass, thanks for your response. I totally agree that time and distance is what we need. It is like daggers to the heart when you see or hear about their life with family. MM took his wife to work function. Luckily I was there but it was the first time he has taken her to anything. He’s been there about 5 years and one other time took his wife on a trip. We’ve never met her or the kids. He keeps his home life pretty secret other tHan bits and pieces he wants to share. He used to say how horrible she was and wouldn’t cook or clean….spend lots of money. Blah blah blah. He now claims she has realized she needs to change because she’s not the same since having triplets 10 years ago.. Who would be. I can only imagine the kind of life she has because he works alot. He has a company on the side so he is constantly working. I know what an emotional roller-coaster it’s been for me and I only know the charming side of him. Anyway, I am making progress and eventually get myself our of this mess.

    • J

      Wow!!!! Your mm sounds just like mine! Reading your post actually really upset me! These men and their bs and twisting and manipulating! Please, walking around with a bible!!!!!! Sounds just like my guy! I need to collect my thoughts and respond more later! Be happy to be rid of him. I just wish I was rid of mine and I wasn’t so weak breaking no contact. Oh right, that’s because we are the ones who “can’t let go”!!! Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh jerks

      • Lois

        Hey, J. It’s definitely difficult when they use the religion card to make us feel guilt. I made the mistake of telling him the first time he used this tactic to end things. I told him that I was firm believer in God and couldn’t let my desires destroy and/or interfere his relationship with God. So from that point, he has used this to end things along with the guilt for kids and now the wife. I don’t know maybe he is trying to do what’s right and things are improving at home. It’s been just a roller-coaster of emotions that I’m confused. I want to be from all of it and can’t wait to able to resist the temptation. Thanks for the support.

    • LifeLessons

      I pray for us all…it is such a sticky situation! Once you are in it. It is so hard to become detached from it! Reading this forum has uncovered so much for me. I did not realize how many people get entangled in this type of love web! I have been in 2 long term (1 longterm 7 yrs the other 10yrs on/off) relationships and 2 short term (short term 1 year each). In every relationship I was cheated on and the long terms I stayed for further emotional abuse and they cheated again and again. I am 34 years old and I have always been in a relationship and I have gone to therapy on/off since I was about 24. It has given me insight into why i made some of the choices ive made. I know I need to go back to therapy to gain further insight on how I got myself into a relationship with a MM. I have never cheated on someone and couldnt imagine what it would have felt like to be the other woman. I had the chance to speak to 2 of the other women the guys I was with were dealing with. One of them told me he told her these stories that seemed like lies to me but once I was able to go back and actually reflect on the relationship and when I did I realized he gave her his interpretation of what the relationship had become. He told her we were breaking up and he told her about our drama and all of that was true but we always got into battles and continue to be together. It was challenging for me to finally end that bad relationship and here I find myself in another horrible situation. I often wonder if I sick/twistedly wanted to unconsciously see what it was like to be the other woman since I have always been on the other side of this because I just knew after all the heart breaks it caused me that I would never be apart of this. I have shared all that to say…therapy is a good start to at least figure out why you have gotten yourself to this place and you should gain some strategies to help you move forward.
      Best Wishes 😊

  • Kev the married guy

    I’ve been in relationship with my lover for 2 years, we have set several dates to break it off (that never works), but I cant live the double lifestyle…..so I spoke to my wife about separating, its not fare to her or my lover………..Very nervous and scared….

    • ForeverWaiting

      Kev!!

      Well done!! I feel so proud even though I have never met you you’re an honour to know. You are doing the right thing and should feel proud too. It’s fair on your wife to set her free to find a man who will truly love her and will not cheat. Fair on you to move on from this ness and live a better pure life and clear your mind. And help your lover decide.
      I would advise space for you and your lover as in the end it may not be what you ultimately thought you wanted. But the first step IS separating from your wife as the crux of this is your marriage which is now just based on lies and disrespect and your poor wife deserces better.
      Well done you! Don’t be scared!!! there is a better and truer life out there for you all. I left my ex after a years affair…. and a bitter twist was my ex AM never left his partner when promised…. but it was the best thing for me as I obviously wasn’t happy otherwise I wouldn’t have been in an affair. My affair partner was a narcissists asshole and I’ve been in a loving relationship with the beat boyfriend ever for over a year. I’d never go back so all the break ups were worth it! I found mt true love, my ex has moved on and haopy abd the ex AM is still stuck in his pathetic lie and I feel sorry for his long term gd but its not my problem.

      I promise you once you move out and find your independence, all the emotions and shock has calmed, is beat for everyone as you’re all set free from the entanglement of deceit to find real love and respect. You are an exception, well done again!!

    • LifeLessons

      Hello Kev!

      I have been debating about sharing this recent conversation with the MM but I would like some input from a male or anyone else that is willing to share their opinion…..

      I thought I posted yesterday but Im guessing it didnt upload. I have been seeing a MM for 11months. We met 2 yrs ago at a sporting event that our kids are apart of. Year one we barely spoke to one another and last year he began talking to me at every game. After about a month or so he asked me for my facebook and sent me his phone number so i sent him mine. We began talking immediately. He asked me out on a date and i said yes (he is an attractive man so i was excited to go out with him) we chatted on our date and i asked him if he was married or seeing someone. He said yes he was married and I said well why are we on a “date” he said he has invested too money and was not willing to lose out on that. At that time I told him I wasnt interested in an affair and I have never had an affair but I have been cheated on more than once so I couldnt be anything more than a friend to him. He said ok! We talked regularly and we hung out a lot. 3 months went by and there was no sex but playful banter and then it happened and was out of this world! We continued to talk daily. He told me he had an affair before with a female who he really cared about. I asked so many questions and he answered them all within due time. He even has a tattoo that is in memory of that relationship. Her husband found out and she stopped all contact with him and he said that really messed him up. He told me women seem to think men dont have feelings and emotions but he said men do they just show it differently. He said that relationship ended 6-7 yrs ago. He use to tell me that him and his wife wasnt intimiate often…he said she would decide to have sex with him once or twice a month. He said she wasnt affectionate and he is. He said if his wife would just have sex with him he would not have come on to me he said that in response to me saying I wouldve never thought I would deal with someone like him and be caught up in an affair.

      To speed things up…him and I recently had a long talk. He told me he was going out of town with his wife and my feelings were so hurt (as if I am his woman and he was doing something wrong) i never told him I was hurt about it because I felt that it was not my place to feel any type of way. Well he made sure he talked to me for longer periods of time days prior to him leaving and the day before he left we talked for an hour and I made mention of me being single and hoping I meet someone soon and I make mention of me being single and I said i cannot believe I have been dealing with you and this situation for almost a year but he said babe listen you always saying something about you dealing with me and he said well I dont tell you how I am feeling but I have never dealt with someone like you that is single he said I told you the person I was seeing was married so it was different. He said this is new and different for me too. I said what ???! Please tell me how me being single affects you in anyway…I said its a lot, i said what like a lot of work. He said something like that, he said its a lot of pressure. I didnt understand that nor did I know how to take that so I said it is a lot of pressure…didnt realize that and I still dont understand how it is pressure for you. He said it just is. So what i want to know is what do you all think that mean ? Maybe its exactly what he said but I dont see how its pressure, if we are talking daily and having sex sometimes….what pressure can it be for me to be single and I have never asked him to leave nor has he said he was leaving, so it just made me feel a way. He is typically an upfront type of guy and no nonse so I havent caught him in a lie nor has he made promises to me. I know about 2 months ago I said to him that it felt like we didnt hang out that much and he would just come over for a few hours for us to have sex and relax a little but no hanging out and he told me the next day that he didnt want me to feel like it was just about sex so we didnt have to have sex until he was able to take me out. I said ok! So he asked me to hang out but I couldnt and then I saw him a week after that and he told me he just came to see me and i was aggressive and came on to him he resisted a little but eventually gave in. After that he tried about 2-3 times to take me out but my schedule was busy so i couldnt go. He told me last week that he hope I can see that it is not him but my schedule is busy.
      As i am writing this…I think I have figured out what he means by it is more pressure dealing with me because but I am still interested in what you think that means…it has me really feeling some way! I dont want to be “pressure” for anyone.

  • J

    Hello ladies,
    You’re all going to be so disappointed in me, I’m disappointed in myself. I broke my NC because I couldn’t take it. I felt like I was ripping my own arm off or something, I couldn’t breathe or work, I was having panic attacks and crying, I couldn’t eat for days and was getting so lightheaded and weak. The idea of him out there and reaching out to me non stop was killing me. So I thought I just call him once. Then he drove to my house and we talked. He did say that he can’t give up on his marriage because of God. But said how sad he is and how much he love me. We ended up hugging and kissing for hours because he said he can’t resist me. He drove to my work 3 days when I took time off, he drove 45 mins to my work. He’s been searching for me everywhere everyday. Admitted that he couldn’t be intimate with his wife again, said he tried but physically could not get it working. The first time it hardly worked but only worked a little as he watched a video first to get it started. He’s trying to make it work because he thinks that’s right because of his religion. Maybe he’s not a narcissist freak. Maybe he’s really just a very confused man who fell in love with another woman but feels extremely guilty. I don’t know, I’m so confused. I couldn’t stay away but can I really handle seeing him while he’s trying to make his marriage work? Can i handle him telling me about his sex attempts even if they don’t work?

    • Marie (aka screwloose)

      J
      No one here will say they are disappointed we all have been there. Its hard it really is. I’ve been where you are. And I still make excuses for his behavior and try to justify his actions and I haven’t seen mine in 7 months . I blocked him from social media 3 months ago and blocked his numbers 1 month ago when he said he accidentally called me. Yet then spent the entire day texting me only to blow me off the next day. What makes me push on is reading up on Narcissistic behavior and then really thinking about our conversations my head knows he is a narcissist but my heart still doesn’t believe it. There really is no easy way to get over this . Whether he ends it , or you do. It has taken months and multiple attempts with then NC for me to get to where I am. You will get there but it takes time and a lot of crying and pain. I still cry and miss him I honestly don’t know why…!but I do. It has eased though. To be honest I don’t need think it will totally be gone for any of us. Just keep trying because is all yoU can do xoxox

    • ForeverWaiting

      J, this is how narcissists work! He tells you he is trying to save his marriage but spends 3 hours kissing you? He lies to you that he can’t get his physical side of his marriage going? trust me that’s what my MM told me but that’s a lie to make YOU touch them so we believe they don’t have any physical contact with their wives!

      Yes they are confused – stay well away. Look at the damage it is doing to you. He is emotionally manipulating you to feel OH SO SORRY for him, poor poor confused MM who has fallen in love with another woman and having an intimate affair with her whilst the wife has no idea – poor guy!! And then us mistresses feel sorry for them and for years go round in circles and then come to this website and realise it’s all it is. Manipulation.

      He won’t leave the marriage and blame reasons out of their control… God. Kids. Money etc (all IN THEIR control… please don’t let this utter rubbish fool you). And don’t let the fact he drove 3 hours to come and talk make you feel special, he just wants to keep the affair going and panics so keeps chasing. I always believed its because my MM was going to leave one day as he promised and he too wasnt physical with his wife and he too couldn’t leave because of valid reasons. All BS.

      My friends just telling me to find a free man and I didn’t understand because can’t they see how unhappy this MM is with his wife, how evil she is and how desperate he is to leave? Only I saw this. My friends were so blind!! So I thought…..

      I cut contact 15 months ago. He is still with her and absolutely fine (5 yrs after crying she made his life hell…. what a great actor!!!)
      I am with a wonderful bf of 12 months who is all mine and I spend weekends with. No complications, no lies, no secrecy – just 2 of us in this relationship.

      As I’ve said many times they are VERY good at manipulating and seem the most genuine people on earth and do a good job at making us believe them. Stop. They have 1 goal – to gain your empathy by lying and manipulating and to make sure the wife, whom they probably have a pretty normal relationship with doesn’t find out.

      Stop being used, you are a wonderful woman and wasn’t put on this earth for this. Much love x

  • J

    I feel so awful in NC. He emailed me again begging me to just let him know I’m okay. Apparently he’s been driving around looking for me where I usually am, and hasn’t seen my car. Because I’ve been avoiding him. He said he was worried sick and to please let him know. So I sent him a one word response saying yes, I’m okay. Then he sent back just thank you. Now I’m so upset. Did he really just want to know I’m okay and now he’s done?

    • Jazzman

      Hi J

      I felt bad too when my MM reached out after NC. said how are you. thats it. then he left me alone. Don’t read too much into it frankly. They cant do it. If i was dying or in pain he cannot come help me anyways. How dare he now show his fake concern. He can go be concerned about his wife and family. That should be his first and only concern J. not you or us.

      Focus on yourself. Focus on NC. Stay strong. Email if you would like to talk more.

      Best wishes
      alliswelllouis@gmail.com

    • Thistooshallpass

      J,
      So now that he knows you are ok can you institute no contact? I know exactly what you’re going through. You stop talking for days and feel the agony of missing them. You desperately want to hear from them. They reach out feverishly and the desire to respond is building and building inside of you. Finally you give in and their response back is so anticlimactic you feel incredibly let down. You start questioning everything and rereading all of their messages. It’s such a dead end trap. These relationships are so cyclical we’re all like hamsters in a wheel. I’m totally guilty of repeating the same behaviors and expecting different results. Eventually you have to draw a line in the sand and say enough is enough. I’ve posted a lot today bc I finally blocked his number, blocked his email, deleted the account he used to contact me and now my phone is next to impenetrable. Try and really take inventory on your feelings. When and how often do you feel good about him? Let me guess… when you’re together or in communication. How often could he find free time to see you? Once a week or every two weeks? Not good enough… Even the communications from time to time probably left you feeling needy, insecure and helpless especially if he talked about his family. They are capable of lifting you to the highest place and dropping you to the pits of hell. It’s such an extreme of highs and lows. If I assess my feelings I felt genuinely satisfied about 10% of the time. We all deserve more. This is the time when you have the permit your head to lead your decision making process and not your heart. You’ll get through this with flying colors. Keep posting. Clearly that’s what I’m doing lol

  • J

    It’s been 9 days since I’ve talked to him. It’s not any easier. I have moments when it hurts so bad I just want to curl up and cry. I miss him so badly. He emailed me again asking me to talk to him and telling me he misses me very much. I want to talk to him so much. I understand that no contact will help me get over him. Won’t it help him to get over me too? Won’t he eventually just forget me if I keep ignoring him? Yes, I guess there’s part of me, a big part of me, that wants this time to make him realize that he can’t live without me.

    • ForeverWaiting

      I’m sorry J to bw brutally honest but he can, is and has always lived withour you and will. He’ll keeo emailing whilst you email back and will give up when you definitely stop…. he is just hoovering at the moment. He kmowsnwhat he is doing, lreasing the buttons to make you give in.
      I thought the same, when my ex AM lost his job I went into shock as had worked with him for 4 years then suddenly didnt see him 5 daus a week – he lived 70 miles away, was truely awful. After a week I felt awful so stopped texting. I thought he’d go into panic, start missing me, go mad…. I was convinced he’d turn up on my doorsteo on a weekend and declare finally after 4 years he’d left . NO – he just carried on with his life.

      Trust me…. they are all the sane and I didnt believe it until I came on here. Took me 3 goes after he lost his job and 3 months to finally cut off for good. Its been 15 months. 5 yrs on, he is still with his supposedly awful gf of 15 years… living a happy life.

      He will mot come running, he wants your attention.

      One thing friends said and I read many times in the first year was if the MMs were going to leave its in the first 6 months MAX…. its true, in fact I think its 3 months . I have seen it with my own eyes woth friends, relatives and colleagues who years later are still happy.

      NC…Contact… a little contact…. they either leave or they don’t – this middle ground is the BS they make up. To dangle the carrot.

      Get out, move on and find a real man deserving of your attention and one that has the same idea of what love is. Oh, and a non narcissist! Take care x

      • cjay

        Hi all! I’ve only posted twice, but read daily. My heart aches for each of you and me whilst I read. I’m currently in a “relationship” with MM that I’ve known 27 years. We had a 3+ affair while I was married. I separated from my spouse, he did not. I ended the affair. There was NC for over 20 years. I’m not on social media. He tried reaching out to my daughter on FB. I thought he was my soul mate. I loved him very much, but could bare the thought of going through the pain again. I’d never really given my heart to anyone. Spouse & I went to counseling, I went back. Then after 15 years of marriage, I left again. This time we divorced. I then started another affair w a different MM, which lasted appx 12 years. We did work for the same company and had a short fling 20+ years ago, I ended that 3 years ago. They are both still with their wives. I have a cyclical pattern, I know, I just don’t know how to break free of my own comfort zone. I can’t say that ending an affair while married is easier vs being single. It’s painful either way. I’ve been divorced since 2003 & haven’t tried to date or start a relationship with a “real” single man.
        Fast forward. My high school best friend talked me into a girls weekend last week & I met someone. I gave him my phone number. He called me yesterday. I don’t know why, but I cut the conversation short and feel guilty that I put in motion something that could be a new start for me. Also feel guilt because I’m still involved w MM & this is somehow a betrayal. “Get out and move on” is a wonderful concept. I’m just not sure my heart can.

  • Lois

    For those of you who work with MM, how do you handle being around him? Do you think it’s possible to go back to friendship? The MM in my life ended things again and it’s been an emotional roller-coaster. I try the NC but haven’t been successful. Truly, I think because I still want the jackass. It’s like a drug addiction. He doesn’t do any of the pursuing…it’s me but he has a way about him that draws me in. I’m an intelligent educated woman but all common sense leaves my brain with him. I’m just to the point that it’s not worth the heartache. I do well for several days then it seems to creep back up on me. So, I would like to hear how you handle things. Thanks for listening and look forward to hearing your advice.

      • Lois

        Hey, Louise. Thanks for asking these questions and making me think because I am not sure the real advantage of us being friends. Unfortunately, I do not think we could ever go back to just being friends without having awkward times. I have found NC to be the best method for me because I am too weak and find myself drifting back into old habits with him that eventually weakens the both of us. He does not like the NC because it bothers him that I cannot even speak to him; but I think it’s time I worry about me instead of him. Thanks for listening and providing me your email address…do not be surprise to hear from me!

    • Thistooshallpass

      Hi Lois,
      I work with my MM and I report to him. Let the good times roll… We’ve been on, off, friends, lovers, no contact, you name it. I’ve found that I made some peace by letting him initiate contact. I do not email, call or text. Sometimes I’ll IM through our business Skype but otherwise it’s up to him. I’ve been unsuccessful cutting all contact completely even after I attempt to end it. There have been countless attempts. I say attempt bc the same scenario plays out with him somehow maneuvering his way back into my arms and good graces. I fear conflict and tension with a coworker and a boss to boot. He claims he can’t go from intimate to just friends and the idea of us being on bad terms with no social interaction at work pains me more than anything. Some days I feel strong and ready to move forward without looking back. Other days I’m freaking out inside bc I haven’t heard from him and can’t shake my neediness. At this stage I suspect that my way out is for one of us to switch jobs, him to end it or me to fall for another guy. I’m going to try one of the dating apps 🙂 Is your guy interested in friendship? Are you interested in a platonic relationship? What do you want out of it? Personally, I’ve become too emotionally dependent upon him and the demise of the friendship saddens me most. Do you have others at work to connect with? Acceptance, detachment and release meditations help me if you want to tap into your spiritual side. This may sound mean spirited but it’s also comforting to know that it’s not easy for the attached person either. They go through emotional stress from an illicit relationship. You’re probably handling it better than you give yourself credit. Best wishes and lots of hugs your way.

      • Felk

        Hi Lois, I, too, work with my MM and I echo a lot of what Thistooshallpass says. For one, it’s really hard. So, yes, we are trying a friendship (and, yes, I think it’s possible). We were friends before the affair, and, of course, as the friendship grew closer, so did the likelihood of an affair. So, it’s hard, when the affair ends (he ended it three months ago after feeling it was too hard to live two separate lives… he hated not being able to be with me fully but he didn’t feel he could leave his two young children… and I do not fault him for that… hence me not hating him and still wanting a friendship). Immediately after the break-up (we were together five years), I desperately still wanted him in my life (and I think he felt the same way) so we agreed to try to remain friends. It was slow-going and VERY hard at first. We greatly reduced contact and tried to minimize time we spent alone in the first 4-6 weeks. Slowly, we have increased contact a little, but it’s still rather low (and that’s my MAIN recommendation for remaining friends). First, you both need space. Obviously, you care greatly for each other and there are all sorts of feelings still there so, without space, there is just agony of temptation or the danger of falling back into the affair and risking a worse outcome (as you prolong an affair that isn’t working for one or both of you). I HATED the space/distance. I missed him so much. I missed everything about us, and I felt this horrible void/emptiness. There were reminders everywhere, not to mention seeing him at work everyday. I hated that I didn’t have access to him the way I used to. In the past, he’d be in his office, and I’d just stop by to chat, and, now, I felt like I couldn’t do that, shouldn’t do that. It was excruciating to not have that closeness with him. We talked a little in that time, but, mostly, I felt that the talking just led me to feel worse and miss him more after. Maybe it helped to remind me that he still loved me and missed me, but that simultaneously made it harder to “get over” him. If he still loved me and I still loved him, couldn’t we make it work? For the first several weeks, I figured he’d realize he messed up and he’d want me back. I thought if we stayed friends, he’d see what he was missing and admit his mistake. Those are destructive thoughts that just keep you hanging on, though. So, eventually I got to the point where I realized that I have to move on and accept his decision, and that’s the ONLY way we can be friends. If I keep hoping for more, I’ll be miserable. If I keep trying for more, I’ll drive him away (and I’ll be more miserable). So, three months in, we’re trying. That’s all I can say. It’s still hard. I feel better. I feel stronger. I feel more in control of the situation as I feel more choice in moving on and accepting what’s happened. But, I went to lunch with him yesterday, and it’s hard still. We have such a good time together, and I can feel the tension of wanting more. I can feel my brain screaming for closeness (that I still feel and want to express) as I hold it in. And I know he feels the same, because he’s said it. And I know it’s not easy for both of us. I don’t know what’s right, honestly. Sometimes I think it might be better not to be friends because it’s still too tempting and painful, but, then, as Lois and Thistooshallpass say, I just can’t imagine not having him in my life that way. He meant so much to me for so long, it feels worth it to try this friendship. And I’m glad he feels the same way (for now). I’ll keep checking in here, though, and letting you all know how it’s going. It’s helped me a lot to read what you all say, and it’s helped me to read elsewhere, too. It’s helped me to journal and think through everything, and it’s helped me to try to re-focus on my marriage. Mostly, it’s just time and space that help. Although it’s excruciating in the beginning (like lay on the couch and cry, nauseated all day excruciating), as you give yourself space, as you give yourself room to be sad, as you distract yourself and focus elsewhere, those intrusive thoughts will be less frequent. You’ll miss him less. You’ll feel more yourself. It’s still sad to me to think about not being in love with him anymore. I loved being in love with him, but I know that I need to put that behind me. That’s the only way we really can be friends. I’ll let you know how it goes!

        • Thistooshallpass

          Hi Felk, when I read posts from married folks I assume it would be less painful than the single person bc you have love elsewhere. You and many others have made it evident that you still go through the breaking up process. I’ve always had this strange notion that once you were married your heart only had room for one romantic partner. I know our hearts can love multiple people but it’s still so mystifying. Do you think the married men grieve too? I guess we’re all trying to reconcile, get past this, move on and find comfort somewhere. I can’t wait to reach the stage of indifference. I wish that for everyone here.

          • Felk

            Thistooshallpass, oh my goodness do I long for the stage of indifference. I am not there yet, and I don’t like still caring so much about what he’s thinking and feeling. But, to answer your question as best I know, yes, they grieve, too. My MM is quite clear about how hard this is on him, and, as far as I can tell, we’re feeling pretty similar things. He ended our relationship while we were both still very in love. It wasn’t like his feelings had faded. He just got to a point where it was too hard on him doing two relationships. Can’t blame him there. The thing you say about one’s heart only having room for one partner is complicated. I kind of think our brain/heart only has room for passionate attraction to one person at a time. So, as that grew with my MM, it faded with my husband. But I still have a close/warm/friendship love with my husband, and I think that’s what you can have with multiple people at the same time (as we do with close friends, family, significant others all at the same time).
            Obviously, I think a break up is hard on anyone (having an affair with a MM) whether you’re married or single, but I get why it would seem it’s easier for MW because we still have someone. Interestingly, I’ve thought this break-up would be easier if I were single because then I could move on to someone new and find new passionate love to replace what I’m feeling for my MM. With my husband, it is very different. It’s not as simple to find passionate love with him again. But, I’m sure we all just think it’s easier in a different situation because it’s just so damn hard.

        • ForeverWaiting

          Obviously this is just my opinion and I know when you’re ‘in’ it and this ‘mess’ (and trust me, it’s all just mess – I was where you are now 5 years ago) you can’t actually see what the REAL issues are.

          Firstly as you’ve had intimate relations and there is more than just platonic ‘friends’ with your ex MM/colleague, you can’t be friends, it’s as simple as that. Unless you left your job, moved away and returned in 3 years and over everything and with a new life….then maybe, but not now. This whole ‘friends’ thing is a way of holding on and not letting go, deep down you both know this. I went through the same when at the time I still lived with the ex bf. I decided after 6 months i couldnt live like that but also knew we could not be ‘friends’.
          The ex AM followed me, literally around for 3 weeks at work….persuaded me to go for drives and you can guess what happened. I was with a violent and emotionally abusive bf at the time and the ex AM knew how to press the buttons to get me to give in.

          Which brings me onto your marriage. You are focusing loads on the ex MM. Which is raising many red flags with your marriage – this is not a marriage. Why drag your poor husband through this? You’re not happy, he wouldn’t be happy or even stay in the marriage should he know you were not only having an intimate affair but bad fallen for the MM. The trust and respect has gone. Your husband deserves the right to find someone who won’t do this to him.

          I’m not having a go, it happens. I did this to my ex, he was violent, left bruises on me, but I walked away a year into the affair (and stupidly also thinking the ex AM would leave too…. 3 yrs later you guessed…. he did not!).
          But my horrible ex deserved a chance to be with someone that didn’t cheat and after I left him he calmed down and went and got counselling.

          I was having an affair because I wasn’t content and fullfilled in my relationship (I turned up at work each day shaking in fear, my narcissist ex AM caught me at a vulnerable time)… . It’s a cop out!! I never felt sorry for the ex AMs gf (of 15 yrs, they also have a baby, well shes 5 now!) but I do now. OMG do I want to give his long suffering gf a hug and set her free!

          So I think those on here that are married – the problem is at home; leave and start afresh. Its liberating, to stop using people as your security blanket – both the MM and the husbands And those (most on here) waiting for the MM to leave – they wont.

          I left the bf, then the MM. I’m now over a year into a faithful, normal loving relationship with just the 2 of us and when I think back to mid last year and the 5 years run up until then I wonder how the hell my life ended up so complicated and it makes me fell ill/sick!

          I was writing exactly what you guys are!
          ‘I miss him’…. ‘I want to be friends’ …..’I need him’…. it wasnt until I realised I was focusing on someine with a life I couldn’t be a part of and needed to focus and sort MY life out…that none of this was true.

          Its very hard when you work with them, but it is just work. Text your Mum/friends/dad/Nan/dog/cat instead…..and sort out your own relationship issues. Affairs are part time escapes which cause even more problems which can devastate even more lives. It is not worth it. Set yourself free both – neither are making you happy. Move onto brand new relationships. Much love x

          • Felk

            Foreverwaiting, you make good points. It’s a process. Part of my process is attempting a friendship. Maybe I will realize (or he will) that it’s too complicated, and we will stop attempting a friendship. I live my life trying not to regret, and I would regret not attempting a friendship with him. I know the danger of wanting more still. And I know how it’s making it harder for me to move on. But it is getting easier. Slowly. It’s taken a lot of effort holding back, putting distance between us, and refocusing on my marriage. There are set-backs, of course, but I’ve felt a lot of progress over these three months. It will be sad if this friendship doesn’t work, but, if it doesn’t, I’ll know that was for the best (and at least I tried to make it work).

          • ForeverWaiting

            Well it depends what you define as friendship, most friends you’d openly want to invite them to your house, introduce them to other friends, family members, colleague friends and introduce them to people in other circle of friends.

            If this ‘friendship’ is just you and him, with no one else involved, and you’d never introduce this man as a friend to another frend outside of work, or your husband or a family member, then he isn’t a friend – and he is just still an affair partner, but an emotional one. You are still hanging on to the affair, but hiding under it using the title of ‘friendship’. There aren’t such things as regrets as life goes on and you have a life away from him outside of work, a whole life and you need to concentrate on this and stop hanging on to a friendship that doesn’t and can’t really exist, because it will be one in secret, just like the affair, and it’s just causes stress and more anxiety and it’s not worth it

            Throw yourself into new friendships, join groups, find new hobbies and new people to talk too, your relationship and set your MM free to concentrate on his life. Again just my opinion; I just think the whole ‘needing friendship’ is a way to justify hanging on to the affair in a different way. It’s such a waste of precious time when there are so mamy amazing people out there, who can become real friends who you’d invite to your home who you can openly talk to anytime of the day. ‘Friendship’ with the MM will still be in ‘secret’ so it’s not really friendship. Good luck with everything anyway, I know how crazy hard it is!!! But you will get there! x

          • Felk

            Appreciate the words Foreverwaiting. I’m not sure a friendship won’t work, but a friendship, the way I want it (with closeness/sharing/warmth), may not be possible (or not for a long time). We are friends. Others at work (and outside of work) know we are friends. I can talk about his friendship with others. And, while I understand your point about secrecy, that doesn’t define friendship. Friendship would seem to be defined by the relationship with another – sharing/disclosure/support/similar interests/spending time together/liking/commitment. Can we be there for each other the way some of my other close friends can be there for me? No. But that’s okay. Not all of my friendships are of equal depth/closeness/reliability. And, sure, a friendship is likely better if you don’t have to keep it a secret, but we have friendships we don’t share with others (for various reasons). I’m really not trying to be picky, just saying that it is and can be a friendship. Now, can it be a friendship without wanting more or constantly feeling tension? I don’t know. For now, the answer is “no,” but that has changed a lot over the last three months. There is a lot less tension and wanting. But maybe those problems can’t go to zero and maybe they will always be a barrier in the friendship and we will decide it’s not worth it. I have been friends with my exes (my best friend for the last 20 years) with no sexual anything any longer. Is it possible? Yes. Is it easy? No. Is an affair different? Yes. I know your advice comes from a good place and from experience. I do appreciate it. But, for now, I’m going to keep trying this friendship thing.

          • ForeverWaiting

            Hi Felk, I do agree with you and myself am friends with a short term bf I dated 10 years ago, there is nothing except a buddy type relationship, which is lovely. But you need that break away to then come back to a relationship of friendship.
            To get over that ’emotional bridge’ of hanging onto the affair emotions to be just friends with no feelings whatsoever.
            So sorry that point I didn’t add. I tried to just be friends 8 mths into the affair 5 years ago, the ex AM couldn’t handle that (I was fine with this as was trying to focus on and handle my violent relationship at home……he knew this and looking back what a mean Ahole!) and wiggled his way back in.
            But I just think you need time out, proper time out to get over emotions just like you would have with your exes you’re good friends with. It’s quite unnatural to go straight from an intimate relationship with feelings to ‘mates’. And yes indeed friends come in all shapes and forms, and I have recently chatted to my ex AM, but there is still an air off strangeness because of who he used to be to me… my ex affair, and its so very different to being close to an ex boyfriend. Again friends can work but after time apart, as you may find as this break you may not need him. I always thought I did, as he had been my rock for 5 years (so I thought) ….. within months I found I didn’t need him out at, or even want him in my life. I’m not the only one on here who felt like this. My bf wouldn’t mind me speaking to an ex…. no way on this earth would he entertain the idea of the ex AM as he was cheated on and what sort of oerson does that make me look and keeping the friendship going? We are hardly going to pop in for dinner and the ex AM was sad I turned down the job but I thought all the lies he has already told his new colleagues about me, and friends. There are so many lies surrounding us I guess that’s why I don’t see friendship working. I’m glad you don’t have to lie to everyone and things are more in the open. His colleague friends didn’t even know he lodged with me in the week and his gf thought he lodged with them! Of course all our stories are similar but unique and different, I’m just advising a little space and time can go such a long way for sanity and clarity as mentioned before, friends with an ex boyfriend is very different from being friends with an ex affair partner. It’s hard to advise because of varying circumstances and needs, but the main thing is taking care of your health both physically and mentally as I know how ill it can make you. You’re doibg very well as I never broke away until he lost his job, the worst thing I thought that ever could hapoen turnes out the best thing in the world – I’d still be the mistress today begging him to let me date etc!! I’m 40 next year…so I’m very happy to hear everyone on this site is now moving on best they can. It’s not easy and again can only talk through personal experience. Its not easy but lofe isnt either!

          • Felk

            Hi ForeverWaiting, your words are really good. It has helped so much to read what people write here. And I’ve known that NC was best, but, working together, I didn’t think that was an option. But, unfortunately (or fortunately), I’m getting closer to realizing you’re right and that this friendship thing can’t work right now. We’re both trying so hard to do this right (and he is not being manipulative or trying to weasel time with me or anything bad… he’s just trying to be my friend while also creating boundaries), but we both still have feelings and it’s leading to continued tension/awkwardness. As expected, we have a great time when we hang out, but then there is the bitter reality that we are no longer together and it’s hard to continually feel those ups and downs. He’s also said that it feels better and then worse after we spend time together. That’s no good. It’s lessened over time, but it’s still too painful sometimes, and I don’t want that anymore.
            Just last night, I barely slept because I was all in my head about our issues and how I worry he’s going to end our friendship at any moment. This is unhealthy. I’m healing, but too slowly because he’s still such a presence in my life. Starting next week, I’m going to try NC for a few weeks. I’m not sure if I can do it, but I have vacation time for the holidays and will not see him at work for an extended time. There is no better time to try NC!

      • Louise

        Hi Thistooshallpass,
        I’m very sorry to hear that. Constantly having to see your MM is not a good situation. I dont see my MM at work. We met elsewhere. So it is easier for me to be NC. I started NC in Nov and we have only spoken 3 times since. He has not reached out to me after my last outburst. I feel sad and isolated all the time. But I don’t want his friendship. One of my good friends explained to me that I can continue loving him in my heart but his friendship will hurt me because I will always want more and he will be ok just being friends. Does that make sense?
        I know the emotional dependance. I felt that way too once. I thought I would be miserable and did not want to live without him. But you know what – you can survive. You can thrive. But you have to give yourself a chance. Try to find other people or activities you like doing. There will be something. It can be religious, it can be a sport, it can be an art. something. Dont continue to willingly walk in fire. He wont stop this. I can already tell you that – you can read that. You will have to just try to find another job. Because as long as you are around him the attraction will take over plus the whole idea that you cannot have him makes him more attractive in a very unreasonable way. Stay strong.

        Best wishes
        alliswelllouis@gmail.com

        • Thistooshallpass

          Hi Louise. Thanks for your encouraging words. I thought friends was possible but after our last chat today I immediately recognized that friends is so far from possible or desirable for that matter. Who wants to hear “we”, “us” or anything really about their personal life bc it will come up. I don’t know how your MM behaved but when mine wanted to get together he would shower me with attention, throw compliments my way and talk up our relationship. The next day after spending time together he may say hi but the tone, words and his general attitude would take a 180. I can’t put my finger on it but there was a cool air of indifference like he got his fill and doesn’t need me for a few days until his desire kicks in again. Don’t feel badly about the outburst. I’ve done the same numerous times especially after a day when we’ve been together and he treats me like I’m whatever to him. He denies it when I’ve called it out and responds like I’m emotionally unstable. From what I’ve read here it’s their mind F games they play. The fortunate thing is that we can work virtually and sit anywhere in the office so I can very easily avoid seeing him in person. I went nuclear by blocking his number, email and removing my account from my phone so there’s no possible way for him to reach me. Also, it’ll force me to not continuously check my phone for messages. I’ll tell you that your MM is most likely not ok with just being friends. Guys develop emotional attachments too but the only thing you have to worry about is taking care of you and putting yourself as number one. I’m excited to get out of this prison bc if I’m truly honest with myself, this has been the primary contributor to my anxiety, depression, loneliness. How long has it been since you’ve been in touch? You said Nov. Do you find that you think about him less and your emotions are starting to level off?

          • ForeverWaiting

            Yes who cares if these MMs want to be friends or not.

            The truth is to both of you these men are NOT friends – far from a friend, they just want your attention. Put your energy into real friendships and focus on yourselves. I’m so very glad you can work anywhere in the office, I couldn’t when my ex AM (attached man) worked with me, on same team and he was a few desks away. It took him losing his job for me to REALLY see the light after almost 4 years, whilst entangled in his utter manipulation it’s hard to see the lies whilst in them.

            We are made to believe we NEED them, we believe we need their emotional support, we have become to rely on them SO much and they even persuade is that they need US. Truth is they don’t. And truth is WE do NOT need them. It’s all the part of the narcissist manipulating you like they have done for weeks, months and years. It’s part of their capture, grooming, hoovering, spit out, pull back in, rinse and repeat.

            You were a whole person before you met the MM, you are still a whole person now. I’m sure this isn’t what you dreamt of when younger…. don’t let go of your dreams. Prince charming doesn’t cheat on his wife, manipulate and lie to her, his children, his family, friends and colleagues…. find a mistress…. screw her around, emotionally manipulate her….make her lonely, anxious, afraid….. and worst of all – waste her precious time. Time we cannot get back. Time we should be spending with parents, friends, family and a man who is single or at least our REAL bf!

            Take that time right now. Your time. Don’t give that time to the MM. He has a life, a really really messed up life – step back, open your eyes…. redirect them into a pure life and away from his. What kind man does what he is without every pathetic excuse under the sun?

            Take care of your health – its such a stressful, lonely, sickly and confusing situation to be in, I promise you its not worth 1 second more. Take care and keep on moving on. To all of you reading this. Much love x

      • Lois

        Thanks for your response. I cannot imagine having MM as my boss…wow that would be tough! We have been the same way; on/off/friends/lovers/no contact/contact, and it is quite the emotional roller-coaster. Like you, I have good days and bad days but last week was a bad week. I just do not get it…and do not know why I am so fixated on this guy. He is not even my type but he is so damn charming and his smile melts my heart! I honestly do not know what I want out this relationship because I do not see myself ever being with this guy beyond the affair. I would never expect him to leave his family nor would I mine. When things are good between, there is sense of happiness that overcomes me that I have not felt in long time. However, the bad times out weigh the good because about every other month he is ending things because of his conscious and religious conviction. He was filling a void in my life but not even sure about that anymore because is he struggling…do not know what to believe anymore. He wants to be friends but not sure I can do that without weakening. I am putting some distance between us because I need to figure things out. Thanks for listening.

        • Felk

          Hi Lois, your words are so familiar. I know all the ups and downs, and how it’s so good when it’s good, but the bad typically outweighs the good in the affair. In my situation, it was missing him when we were apart and it was his struggle/tension (with separating us from his marriage) that he continually brought into our relationship that caused a lot of pain for me during our five-year affair. For the last 9 months of our relationship, he was constantly struggling with what to do and it was not fun. We still had great fun together and, as you say, there’s a happiness there that we’re not feeling elsewhere. So, it’s filling some void… which is probably the void of being in a long-term marriage and the passion fading. But, just as you say, I was unlikely to leave my marriage for my MM. I didn’t think he’d be a better partner. There are many great things about him, but I had never really considered leaving my marriage for him. So, of course I understood when he decided to end our relationship to concentrate on his marriage and kids. But, why do we do it if we know we’re not going to leave our marriage… it’s that high when being together, right? There is an excitement and happiness that takes you back to the beginning of a relationship over and over (because you never habituate because you’re apart so often).
          I can’t fault you for thinking a friendship won’t work. We’re still struggling 3 months later, but, lately, it’s felt a lot better. It takes a lot of effort to make it work, and the problem with that is that effort/commitment keep you invested and there are still a lot of feelings between us that constantly threaten the friendship. There is still that awkwardness/tension where we both know we’re feeling things and not saying things and we’re trying to be “normal” with each other. Then there are the times when we’re honest and talk about what we’re feeling and it feels warm/close and then really hard when you realize you can’t have that closeness anymore. And there’s the happiness I still get when he texts me. Or how much we still laugh together. I just can’t imagine giving these things up, though. I’m going to keep trying my hardest to make this friendship work.

        • Thistooshallpass

          Hi Lois,
          Thanks for responding. ForeverWaiting summed it up beautifully and she is in a healthy, loving, committed relationship which is what everyone here is worth. As you mentioned your MM is filling a vacancy in your life but it’s at a really high price to your health. I would give yourself as much time, space and distance as possible. There is no future and why invest your time, resources and energy on a relationship that won’t come to fruition. Now that I’ve blocked his number and email I feel so safeguarded. I cannot believe that I didn’t kick this fool to the curb when he told me he was not leaving his wife. That’s on me although he could’ve done right by his loved ones by not engaging in a romantic relationship with someone. Please consider the block.

    • Thistooshallpass

      Hi Lois,
      I wrote you yesterday and after sleeping on it and a horrible talk with him today I want to revise my response. I’ve decided to cut all contact and move on 100%. Friends is not an option for me. I don’t think friendship and feelings can coexist. It hurts so much and today I feel really f’ed up over everything. I’ve set up a new email account and plan to delete my old account that he used. I’m going to block his number and at work keep our convos strictly professional. It’s going to be a tough adjustment but having him in my life in any capacity is excruciating and soul crushing. I literally can’t wait to put this behind me and move the heck on. Please read some of the posts below on no contact and why it’s absolutely necessary to sever all ties. I’m sure after a few days pass I’ll feel really weak but I’ll have to remember his recent line to me about what he is going to say to his wife on their death bed. Um yeah… daggers in the heart. F him and this entire toxic relationship. If you want to chat privately my new email is lotusblossom1118@gmail.com.

      • Jazzman

        Hi Thistooshallpass, Lois, Felk,

        I’m just responding to everyone if thats ok. I’m also giving myself a different name from Louise. Since its confusing af. I was not sure who was responding to whom at a point 🙂

        My situation is different in the sense I don’t have to see MM at work. So its great and I can do NC. I completely 100% recommend not being friends. I’m sorry but friends are there to support you, to make you feel better, to share in your joys and sorrows, and NOT to the cause of your pain. Would you willingly be friends with someone if you knew that they will take advantage of you. Should we not protect ourselves? Even if they do not take advantage, you and MM have a history. You have a sexual primal history. It will give you flashbacks if you keep seeing him. This is why trauma victims do not like to go to the scene of the crime. In this history of relationships – it will be said that anyone who has stayed in Contact, will eventually get back to old ways. It’s just the way we are built. Nobody stays in touch with their ex-husbands correct? If you miss him, if you miss the companionship, tell me what good is it to get half of that? you will NEVER be able to move on if you get any of it from your MM. Your heart will always be tied to your MM and moving on will not be a possibility. If you need companionship try to replace it in more healthier ways. Like with a friend, a dog, another available guy anything. a hobby. but not your MM. Value yourself more ladies!

        Love,
        Jazzman
        alliswelllouis@gmail.com

  • Need help

    I need support from all of you…. (excuse my English) I’m in love with a MM and want to stop, we have been working together for 10 years, and I know him very well professionally and socially. 5 months ago I decided to have the “summer of yes” after being single for 11 years and when he asked to see me I said yes, and stupidly me thinking it was nice to have someone to like me and desire me it was a trill, I’m 45 and dedicated the past 11 years to being a single mother, his attention was just everything I craved and imagined it will be, the sex, texting, small touches and kisses during work was the best I ever experienced…. it supposed to be a summer fling, while my son was out with his father, but I couldn’t stop. I knew he was married and there were no promises made at the time. 4 months after we started I tried to end the affair, but he asked me to just be patient and wait for him, that he was going to leave his wife, i said nothing, and continue with the affair. I
    I noticed nothing was changing and found out he took his wife to a work event, after he told me that he asked for the divorce, of course I confronted him and he told me she showed up with out him knowing (i know). Anyways, by this time I’m deeply in love with him and can’t stop it, we had a deep conversation two weeks ago and he asked again for me to wait and I agreed and give him until may 2018 to get his stuff in order…. well, I can’t do it, i went to thought a divorce, a painful one if I might add, and I can see he is just full of it. He is 51 and doesn’t have kids with her, he could just ask for the divorce if he really wanted, move out and file for the divorce if he REALLY wanted one….. so this is where I need you, all of you to encourage me and be my support, I can’t tell anyone about this, and I can’t do it alone. I always thought I was happy, beautiful, smart and independent, endured my first divorce and have done amazing things with my life, but it seems this has taking over me and I’m not myself anymore…..

    • LifeLessons

      Hi Need Help,

      You are much stronger than you know. If you have been able to endure this…you are one hell of a woman! Therefore when you are ready to end it, you can and you will. I am sure NO CONTACT will be challenging for you if you are in the same work place. I am not sure if there is any way for you to be seperated from him while at work ?! If so, try that out. However, you have the will power to do whatever you set out to do. A single mom for 11 years ?! Again, youre a hell of a woman and please dont forget that! I am a single mom of 2 and dealing with that by itself reminds me constantly of how strong I am. I found that writing in my journal is helpful for me as well. Its hard not being able to talk to your good friends about this…you typically rely on them to support and encourage you. Unfortunately, this situation is not many of us are willing to share with our friends. I strongly encourage therapy as well. Its helpful when you are finally ready to end things. Therapy has helped me overcome many things in life. I went to therapy regarding my current relationship with a mm and the therapist told me if I wasnt ready to leave him alone, therapy wasnt going to be as useful for me so I stop going. I know that was not the right choice to make but I knew I wasnt ready. I believe when we are really ready to move on we will. Your mind believes what you tell it. If you believe you are stuck, guess what….you are stuck! If you continue to tell yourself you deserve more and you dont have to put with someone elses baggage, guess what…you will move on. Of course, just like anything else, it takes time. We are here for you, Best Wishes!

    • Felk

      Hi Need help, my best advice is go with your gut feeling. If you feel that he is full of it and making excuses and lying, then I would encourage you to end the affair. I know that’s MUCH easier said than done, but, as you hear from a bunch of us here, the longer you are in the affair the harder it will be to get out. You’ve been in the affair for 5 months? I know you are already emotionally invested, but the sooner you leave the better. From experience, I can tell you that, 5 months into my affair, it would have hurt to end it, but it would not have been the terrible pain I felt when he ended it after 5 years. (That was three months ago, and it is still hard… given that we work together.) If you feel that he is sincerely trying to leave his marriage, you can set a date (in your mind) to see if he really will follow through. As a lot of people have said on here, if he really wanted to leave, especially since he does not have children, he would leave. It is complicated, but it is that simple. If this is a man who you trust and potentially see yourself having a long-term relationship with (were he to get a divorce), then I would suggest open and honest communication. You’ve made an ultimatum for May 2018, but there’s no rule that says you can’t move that earlier if you need more from him. If you are past the point of trusting him to end his marriage or you can’t wait any longer, then dig deep and try to end your affair (and cut off any contact that you do not have to have with him). As many others on here have said, cutting off contact is a key part to healing. It is VERY hard to cut off contact with a person you love who is also a friend, but remaining in contact only prolongs the hope and the pain. Also, there is some truth in the saying, “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, it was meant to be.” Leaving your MM might be what it takes to get him to understand that you are serious about wanting him to make a choice between you and his marriage. Right now, he can have it both ways. Why would he end his marriage if you’re willing to stay in an affair with him? So, sometimes you have to leave to show him that you are serious when you say you want him to leave his marriage.

      I work with my MM (and I’m a MW), and my MM and I are trying to remain friends (since we had a good friendship before the affair… which led to the affair). It’s been hard. I want the friendship with him, but I also feel that it strings me along, reading signs of more where there are none or hoping that he’ll eventually want to restart our affair. Because we are friends, we’ve talked about how we feel, and he feels the pull back to us, too (as he tries to stay committed to the break-up and his marriage). I say this all, though, to tell you that it’s gotten a lot better for me. My MM ended our affair 3 months ago, and, even though we work together and still socialize at times, I’m healing. For maybe 4-6 weeks, I felt a lot of loss and sadness, which were particularly difficult at work. But, for the last 4-6 weeks, I’ve felt better. I’m coming to terms with the affair being over, I feel more myself, I have hope we can have a friendship, and I’m trying to build closeness with my husband. There are a lot of factors that go into getting over the affair, but the two main things are time and space. Even though he and I still see each other, we have cut down communication dramatically. It’s very hard initially, but it helps.

  • J

    I woke up today after after 4 days of nc feeling so angry and mad at him. The first day he texted me several times until I blocked him. Then the second day he emailed saying please, please don’t cut off all communication with me. But also confirmed God has told him he’s doing the right thing by not seeing me. I’m feeling uncontrollably angry. I feel like I might even want to tell his wife. I don’t know if I can handle this. Or I might break and send him some very mad email. I can’t talk to anyone. I’m going crazy in my own head. I don’t know what to do. We truly used to talk non stop all day. It’s only 9am and we would’ve already have spoken 20x by now and probably have seen each other running and talked on the phone by now. Is he missing me too? This is soooooo painful. I can’t take it.

  • ForeverWaiting

    EVERYONE – this is a repost to a reply. But as it is coming up to Christmas I know its hard, was almost 4 months for me this time last year, I timed it but fortunate to date a guy 3 times in September 2016 (he’d veen cgasibg me 7 years!) and then met my bf in November. I was still healing and going through the motions but I made a choice. I was signed off for stress leave. Anyway, please read. All I can say with NC it is hard but you have to put focus elsewhere. We in the 21st century are unfortunately attached to our phones, but also without Lauries amazing website (thanks Laurie, you are a blessing in my life I have never met!!) I may still be in a worse position!.

    I read and read and read. I’d jump up at 5am to see replies on here, be on my phone all day at work reading LB stories here (my colleagues noticed this!!). But instead of me thinking ‘I’ve gone NC, not contacted him, the bastard hasnt even text me’ (we used a messaging service he hid on his phone, more recently its been linkedin, haha these men NEVER change!!!!!) I read here and spoke to others. After 2 months I stopped checking when he was online and then deleted the app. He added me to whatsapp….. i kept checking that…. then in time took his number off my phone.

    It’s a gradual thing and do the NC as best suits you. BUT…. if you just miss the chit chat and attention, you need to find a way to fill that void. Lots of advice on this website and just chatting here can do that. Become obsessed with reading about narcs (google this) and I can tell you something….. you wont want to text back. Makes my skin crawl!!! do not think your MM is anything but one! It hurts, just remember you won’t die and mental pain heals.

    You were a WHOLE person before you met this predator who pounced on you at a vulnerable time, you are still that WHOLE person now. You’re also a lot stronger too, you just don’t know it yet!!!

    Sending you hugs and energy, I know how tiring it is –
    mentally, physically, emotionally and worse – spiritually!
    The fact they mess with our beautiful spirits (as we are empthatic people) is utterly unforgivable.

    Right – read about Narcissists. Google HG Tudor – he is hardcore and if you find it too much, look at the website
    Quora and read expert advice. EDUCATE yourself and this goes to EVERYONE!!!!! And I don’t mean hours…. I mean MONTHS – READ READ and READ!

    I’m 15 months out a 3.5 horrific affair where I was totally controlled during my last childbearing years. I still READ and NARCISSISTS daily. So everytime you want to reply (but best off block him, although theres always a way to contact you with modern technology) – READ! Come in here – read the stories – LEARN – they are the same, NONE of us are exceptions, NONE.

    That’s how I did it – I kept returning here…. even in the middle of the night; reading love blossoms, stuff about narcs – was awful at first but helped and then explained my situation. Goal post moving, we are objects, we fulfil parts of their lives.

    For those that are married here – concentrate on that or better – leave your marriages AND MM – start afresh as neither are healthy or right.

    For those going round in circles – break free, expect it to hurt for months and be the hardest thing ever, because its the oddest and loneliest situation ecer, but I promise in a year, thia time next year you won’t even care about the MM and breathing a sigh of relief!!!

    A wound will hurt, scab over and then heal.

    All the time my attached man (but gf of 15 yrs and 2 kids) soent with me he should have spent eith young baby (!)…. what a disgusting human. And yeh we put these guys on a pedestal!!

    The connection you think is amazing is because they mirror you (read up)

    The excellent sex is because you do it in secret (read up)

    Its not love as you dont know them full time, 7 days a week, normal life (read up)

    They control you (read up)

    Inseatd of waiting for their texts – read read read and educate!!! Come here and talk to others and throw yourself into all the relationships you’ve let go downhill because you’ve focused on a MM who is giving you nothing ans starving his poor wife and children of attention. His wife is not the b1tch of ass he amkes out. Narcs blame everyone else, everyone foe their misfortunes. My ex AM blamed his ex wife, she was mad, his current long term gf mad…. but still stayed witg bwr 15 years and had a chils wuth her too… so mad stays with her? nah, ge is happy to have an awesone good looking fun intelligent mistress on the side and lie to both! I was promised the world and delivered nothing but lies but also controlled to the point he wanted to know where I was all the time and I wasnt allowed to date. Please; don’t go through my loneliness. Break free – be the survivor – not the victim, have a New Year. New you. Give yourself a chance and smile! Read and educate instead of replying.

    Make NC about something else. Make NC about freeing time up to LEARN. Much love xx

    • Felk

      I have to reiterate the advice from ForeverWaiting. I know a lot of what she said is what we’ve read before, but she says it so clearly and directly and she repeats all the important information. Most importantly, cut off contact. That is what is going to work the best. It’s going to hurt a lot. Like, a lot a lot. But, as ForeverWaiting suggests, replace that void as best you can – read, talk to friends, write, etc. You will get over this. Just keep that in mind. It won’t be fast, but it will happen eventually. I’d also suggest allowing yourself to be sad and really sad. It’s normal in a situation like this. Yes, it sucks bad, but knowing it’s going to suck for a while can help you feel a little control (about something that feels entirely out of your control). I’m about 10 weeks out of my MM breaking up with me, and it really does get better over time. I still have days of sadness, of course, but I also have days where I’m not sad and I feel like myself again (and I wouldn’t have said that a month ago). As some of you may know from reading here, I work with my MM and we are still friends. That makes it VERY hard to move on. This is why I support NC. He and I have reduced contact, but we’re maintaining a friendship (that involves spending time alone once in a while). Different things work for different people, and, for me, I wanted this friendship (even through the pain). It has not been easy. It is STILL not easy. He feels similarly, and I feel it helps me (sometimes) to talk about with him and (sometimes) it’s worse after talking about it with him (because I miss him). But he made a choice. And the most important truth for me in all of this is that. He chose his family (and rightfully so), and I need to move on. It has been very hard to accept that truth (i.e., how can he let go of our love?), but he is doing what’s best for him and his family (as promised in his marriage vows and when he chose to have kids). I don’t know if he’s a narcissist. And if he is, so am I. I know some of these MM on here are awful to you, but he was not awful to me. We had five years of a difficult/lovely relationship, and, sure, there were narcissism signs from him (but I have those tendencies, too, after all I’m all married). So, sure maybe he is a narcissist, but mostly what I focus on is the fact that he wanted the relationship to end. I cannot make him be with me. I want him to be with me out of choice, and if that’s not his choice, I don’t want it. We all deserve someone who wants us and only us. I’m not there 100% yet, but that’s what helps me… as does reading, using the Mend app, and journaling about my affair and my marriage.

    • Louise

      Hi ForeverWaiting
      How did you deal with the fact that he might never pay for his sins? I sometimes wishes his wife would find out. But I know its wrong to tell her. How do you deal wit the fact that people do terrible horrible things to another human being and just get to walk away.

      • ForeverWaiting

        Hi Louise, firstly, it’s best to always calm after you start the NC or calm down the contact (I slowed the contact down, 10 texts a day to 6 to 3 to 2 to 1 then none…. I weaned off him, then went NC, you need to fins what works for you all).

        Oh yes – I wanted to tell his long term gf and the ex wife (he has a 15 yr old with her and lives 15 mins away – gis ex wife hates the gf of 15 years and would bave delighted if spilling the beans – that hate each other – what a fire I’d have caused as the in laws also live so close AND the old in laws hahahaha!)

        But – one thing a much young (late 20s) Danish friend of mine said who met him a few times ‘never ever tell the gf, he is unhappy, he is a lonely sad old man, let him live, in denial, in his own shit’ – she said that before I stopped talking to him, how very right she was and is!!!

        Why? they broke up in 2010 after 6 yrs of being together very briefly and within a week he’d hooked up with someone else. They got back together 2 months later ans his gf found out a year later and she flipped, and has never let him forget it.

        Another – he will always be worried I will spill the beans, there is always a chance I will tell mutual close friends; my friends could easily send her photos. He is relaxed ad I doubt does worry, but there is always a chance.

        And…. I am in a relationship, I bave something he does NOT have. I’d hate to be him, them, the kids. He has nothing. Even if he fell in love again (impossible – no respect there, please dont worry about that, the marriage is BS and a laugh!!!) its not real – none of it os. Xmas day, bdays, easter – all a lie. And when I’m curled up on the sofa with my wonderful boyfriend in my faithful relationship with just the 2 of us – I just want to thank him, the ex AM! For setting me free to find a DECENT human. Hell, I almost ended up wasting my life on a dirty Asshole!

        Also…. this is the big one too…. You tell the wifw. All hell breaks lose. He knows stuff about me, I could get in trouble. Apart from that. Shit happens. Family goes mad. Kids split up. Wives leave. Broken man. You laugh when they break up and he’s single and lonely and loses home and money. Deeo down best thing as he doesnt love his wife right? Ok, so a few years go by, ex wife finds lovely man (good for her!) remarries and lives happily (excellent)… ex MM also has got ovwr hell, dates, finds new love, is happy, marries.

        You see the thing is – you tell the wife, he loses everything – in time all will heal; kids settle – you’ve just set your ex MM free!!!! he will get over it as he is a narcissist and most normal people do move on. He doesn’t respect or love his wife anyway, why set him free to find new happiness?

        Focus on you…and let him always bave that worry you’ll say something – don’t do his dirty work and don’t set him free from his unhappiness!!

        I’m so happy now in my PURR relationship. My bf is in the kitchen cooking, I’m sure my ex AM is at home lying to his gf using her as an object.

        Narcissists don’t possess normal emotions. Leave them to swim in their own shit as my friend said, they are already paying for their sins!

      • ForeverWaiting

        Sorry for my typos! So hard on my mobile bit hope that makes sense!

        At the end I meant PURE.

        He knows I laugh now… I walked away and it’s obvious I used him to get a job then turned it down and hardly spoken to him since.

        I feel nothing. You will feel nothing. We live on emotions

        There is so many bad things going on in the world the ex AM is SO IRRELEVANT I’ve no desire to even TRY to make him pay…. I’m doing that by being so happy with my life whilat he carries on being the sad same person he was when I met him 6 years ago. A liar. He tokd me his Dad had cancer 2 years ago and his Mum in law, now I think tgat was a lie too!!

        Letting go is the most liberating thing as focusing on myself I’ve come leaps and bounds, I focused on a guy with a family and whom already had a life for 4 years – I got NOTHING out of it!!! As all those promises of a house, job ay his company and children with him were lies.

        Paying him for his sins would backfire and waste more time. So I focused on me which left him to swim in his poop. Found out he is skint, hiding behind his 6 years old and still hasbt veen on the holiday he moaned ge hasnt been on cos if ‘us’…. full of BS he was! 4 years of my life.

        Please girls….learn from my experience – treat it like any normal break up!!! Stop saying its hurts..of course it does… but it will go after months… stop counting NC days… see it as for good…

        Much love x

  • EmotionallyDrained

    I’m so glad I have found this site with all you ladies on here. I’m in a horrible situation I just cannot seem to get out of. My head is exhausted from the time I have given this man and I just want to stop and him not be in my life anymore. This is what my head says but my heart is in so much pain I just keep hurting myself going back to him time and time again! I’ve been reading all of comments for a a week now and it’s really helped me with the NC part which I did for 11 day’s and then he’s contacted me tonight and I’ve let myself down and replied! Wish I hadn’t at all!

    • ForeverWaiting

      Hi EmotionallyDrained,

      Sending you hugs and energy, I know how tiring it is –
      mentally, physically, emotionally and worse – spiritually!
      The fact the mess with our beautiful spirits (as we are empthatic people) is utterly unforgivable.

      Right – read about Narcissists. Google HG Tudor – ge is hardcore and if you find it too much, lool at the website
      Quara and read expert advice. EDUCATE yourself and this goes to EVERYONE!!!!! And I don’t mean hours…. I mean MONTHS – READ READ and READ!

      I’m 15 months out a 3.5 horrific affair where I was totally controlled during my last childbearing years. I still READ and NARCISSISTS daily. So everytime you want to reply (but best off block him, although theres always a way to contact you with modern technology) – READ! Come in here – read the stories – LEARN – they are the same, NONE of us are exceptions, NONE.

      That’s how I did it – I kept returning here…. even in the middle of the night; reading love blossoms, stuff about narcs – was awful at first but helped and then explained my situation. Goal post moving, we are objects, we fulfil parts of their lives.

      For those that are married here – concentrate on that or better – leave your marriages AND MM – start afresh as neither are healthy or right.

      For those going round in circles – break free, expect it to hurt for months and be the hardest thing ever, because its the oddest and loneliest situation ecer, but I promise in a year, thia time next year you won’t even care about the MM and breathing a sigh of relief!!!

      A wound will hurt, scab over and then heal.

      All the time my attached man (but gf of 15 yrs and 2 kids) soent with me he should have spent eith young baby (!)…. what a disgusting human. And yeh we put these guys on a pedestal!!

      The connection you think is amazing is because they mirror you (read up)

      The excellent sex is because you do it in secret (read up)

      Its not love as you dont know them full time, 7 days a week, normal life (read up)

      They control you (read up)

      Inseatd of waiting for their texts – read read read and educate!!! Come here and talk to others and throw yourself into all the relationships you’ve let go downhill because you’ve focused on a MM who is giving you nothing ans starving his poor wife and children of attention. His wife is not the b1tch of ass he amkes out. Narcs blame everyone else, everyone foe their misfortunes. My ex AM blamed his ex wife, she was mad, his current long term gf mad…. but still stayed witg bwr 15 years and had a chils wuth her too… so mad stays with her? nah, ge is happy to have an awesone good looking fun intelligent mistress on the side and lie to both! I was promised the world and delivered nothing but lies but also controlled to the point he wanted to know where I was all the time and I wasnt allowed to date. Please; don’t go through my loneliness. Break free – be the survivor – not the victim, have a New Year. New you. Give yourself a chance and smile! Read and educate instead of replying.

      Make NC about something else. Make NC about freeing time up to LEARN. Much love xx

    • ForeverWaiting

      Hi EmotionallyDrained, read my comment above. Much love and hugs. Stay Strong, stay the whole person you were before you met. You need you, not him xx

      • EmotionallyDrained

        Thanks ForeverWaiting for your reply.

        I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m married, in a marriage with a fantastic husband and two amazing girls and then there’s him….. he’s not married but living with his Long term GF and young baby. We had no contact for 18 months in which this time he has his daughter then a month ago he got back in touch with me out the blue…. saying he was missing me and wanted to know how I was. This is just a snippet of the story as what happened before we cut contact 18 months ago was a f**kin car crash. My husband found out and luckily forgave me after a hellish year. You couldn’t write in a book what happened before and after my husband found out. Anyways I’m just lost. This guy is complete wanker, doesn’t treat me in a way that I deserve but yet I just keep talking to him like a fool. What is wrong with me. I know what’s right and wrong I know I should in no way be in touch with him at all but I just don’t know what it is!

  • Holly

    Ok I was just about to ask the same question. I believe that NC is the healthiest way to rectify this situation but I just can’t and I feel so tortured when I do. We have become best friends too and it’s very serperate from our intense physical connection but it also leads back to it bc we both can only give so much self control. For the first time since I’ve met him he has told a future for us is not possible and that helps so much. I’m not going to beg for someone to work towards a future with m. When I apply no contact is feels worse. But when I can talk to him and he remains platonic I can be ok mostly. He never holds it against when I do lash out. I apologize bc I don’t mean to. Yes I do want to be with him and it’s frus but I also don’t want to lose my best friend.

    • J

      I know exactly how you feel. I’m going thru the exact same thing. I try to stay away but it kills me. I feel I’m being tortured I miss him so bad. He’s my best friend. But then again, why would he hurt me the way he did detailing the sex act. We’ve tried to be just friends in the past too but can’t seem to maintain it. He always breaks down and touches me and one thing leads to another. But this time, I don’t want to see him or let him touch me after he had sex with his wife after 3 years, so he claims. He told me he was trying to work on things with her, but this is too much. No way. Said God is calling him to do it. I can’t get the sex act out of my head. It’s all I think of all day and night. I guess I was supposed to feel better when he said it was nothing in comparison to being with me. We haven’t talked in 4 days and I feel such pain. He sent me an email begging me not to cut him off from communication, but also letting me know that God said he’s doing the right thing staying away from me. I just don’t know. Part of me is praying he will come to his senses that he can’t live without me. Stupid right?!

    • Felk

      Hi Holly, I feel a lot of what you said. I’m still friends with my MM, mainly because we work together and because we were good friends before the affair (which led to the affair). NC is the healthiest response. I’m sure of it, given how much better I feel the more space he and I put between us. But, of course, we communicate at times (and hang out alone), and I’m choosing that over NC. Like you, it was too hard to imagine not talking to him at all, cutting him out of my life entirely. Thankfully, he still wanted my friendship, too. As you say, NC feels worse than spending time with him more platonically. It can still hurt in that it reminds me of what we used to have and now don’t have, but I feel we’re on the path to a platonic friendship and then it’s worth it. Granted, I worry that our platonic friendship will lead us back to a physical relationship and then we’ll be in a similar mess or worse (where he doesn’t think we should be friends). We’re taking it slowly, trying to be honest and open when we spend time together, and trying to be realistic about what our friendship can be. P.S. I miss him so very much still. 🙂

      If I were to give any advice to people considering continuing a friendship after their affair ends, I’d suggest a period of NC and then trying to get back into the friendship. He and I did not do a period of NC, and the first few weeks were excruciating. It was gut-wrenching to be around him and not be able to be with him. We would spend time alone (like going for a drink after work), and I would be so happy (i.e., that high), and then I would crash that night or the next day with the misery of realizing we were no longer together that way. Now, three months later, things are much better, and I don’t feel that horrible low after we spend time together, but it was WAY too tempting and teasing right after the break up and I wasn’t in a good mental place to be spending time with him knowing we couldn’t be more.

      • J

        I just don’t understand this. I’m so glad it works for you, but I don’t want to be friends with my mm. If he’s not going to leave her, then I’m not going to be his friend. I would feel he’s using my friendship to get through his marriage. I’d be enabling him to keep continuing. My mm has always told me that his wife his very boring and they don’t communicate well. That my personality and conversation brightens his day. So being just friends with him would be filling his void and allowing him to continue in his unfulfilling marriage. No thanks.

        • ForeverWaiting

          Yes you are very right – being friends with your ex MM who was using you, using his wife and everyone else around him is just fulfilling his selfish nasty needs.

          Who’s needs enemies when you have a ‘friend’ like that?! he is NOT a friend and anyone on here saying they’re friends with these MM in reality just can’t let go and just supplying these narcissistic men with the fuel they bleed from you – stop.

          Escape….. I feel very fortunate I could, their poor wives who aren’t in the know are living with vile cheats and they can’t escape. These are not people you want to call friends! Wake up…. love yourself and find real friends and put effort into those who REALLY care about you.

  • Lois

    What an emotional roller-coaster! Sadly, we do it to ourselves because we do have the power to stop it. It just hurts so bad that it’s easier to go back into the mess than feel the hurt. Or least for me it is this way. Several weeks ago, the mm that was in my life told me that things at home were slowly getting better, he wanted to take on more of an active role in church and could not as long as he was with me plus the guilt felt because of his kids was just too much. To get more of the story, you can scroll down but this pretty much sums it up. I read your posts and wonder why the hell I am so fixated on this guy. He has never initiated anything, never expressed his love only that he cares about me…well heck I care about lots of people but not do not sleep with them, so what does that mean? Anyway, it has been a rough going through the emotions because like many of you, I did fall in love with you. I understand love makes us do strange things but have do not think rationally. I am strong a person who has triumphed through hell in my life and do not understand why I am putting up this jackass. Every ounce of common sense leaves me when dealing with him. A weeks ago, I weakened and told him how badly I missed him but understand he needed to work things out, if possible, for his kids. I offered to step back and let him see if he could work things out and if not, I would be waiting for him. Keep in mind…this was a guy who was 100% certain it was over between…guess what, he agreed to my proposition, so to me it does not seem like he is that committed. So, I started the no contact for awhile except in group texts with coworkers. I had done so well and made progress until Monday. After an extended holiday, I saw him Monday and all of those feelings resurfaced. I was so mad at myself especially after contacting him. I told him that my feelings resurfaced seeing him and apologized for contacting him but I really missed him. Much to my surprise, he replied and said he felt the same about me. So, it has been all week back and forth, how we miss each other but struggling to be strong. I was off my chain yesterday and would have easily had sex with him. He refrained from the advancements but later told me that he was a wet mess thanks to me. We chatted back and forth. Today, he is having a bad day and grouchy. Part of me wants to be with him but the other part wants to be free of him. I asked him yesterday why he has never really been with me; it’s always been after work hours in the office. I have never seen this guy fully undressed. Strangely, I have fantasized about being, being with him, so I wanted to know the reason. He did not know what to say which is unusual for him because he do not catch him off guard but this did. He finally said that maybe it was because he always knew it was wrong so deep down he could not do it. Okay, I do not understand because being with me in his office is wrong too? So, I am more confused now. I know in my heart what needs to be done. I just need to block him from my life and move on. I am married to a man who finds me attractive but the passion is no longer there. I have been trying to rekindle it but not sure we can. Please keep me in your prayers as I continue to figure out this mess which I have created.

    marriage and if it did not work out, I would be waiting for him. Of course, he was fine with this idea for a guy who is 100% certain that he wanted to end things…sounds like it right. I have told him numerous times that I cannot have any contact with him but yet he still tries to say hello, good morning, etc. because we work together. I have done fairly well the past few wee

    • Hope

      Lois this guy is a jackass. In his head he must think of himself as some self righteous demi God. You don’t need this crap, you really don’t. What a moron! Just block him or stop contacting him and try to move on. Remember to treat it like an addiction, try not using/not contacting him. I can understand how it must feel being in a marriage where the passion seems to have been lost but let’s admit it, going to mm was not the option, we took the easy way out and now are paying (I did the same). But it’s still not late, you can do this. Just try to get through one day at a time without his attention. Find other things to do, be it work or making contact with family again. First few days of NC are hard but when you learn to get through your days without mm’s attention you begin to realise that it can be done! I’ll keep you in my prayers, all of you lovely ladies on this forum. Take care xx

  • J

    I haven’t talked to my mm for 3 days and it hurts like hell. We normally talk all day, thru text or phone calls, and we see each other at least 2x a day. We normally text all day, hundreds of times a day. We know every single thing the other is doing every minute, even what we eat for lunch. This is the most we having communicated in years. It’s killing me. I can hardly work and cried several times. I almost told colleagues. It was my limit when he told me in detail about his sex act with his wife. I blocked him on everything, but he found a way to email me and begged me not to cut off all communication. But also told me how God has called him to work out his marriage and a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. But he’s deeply sad because he loves me so much and I’m his best friend and he’s never had a connection like the one we have. I didn’t respond. But this is killing me. I don’t know what to do. I’m going crazy, I really love him so much. Will this absence make his heart grow fonder or will he forget me? Please help

    • Clair

      My MM told me basically the same thing. His wife is having surgery next week and he needs to step up on his end. I do understand that but it makes me so mad when really if you needed to step up you would of done it 2 years ago before you started talking to me. They get to feeling guilty and want to do right but their addicted to us as much we are to them. I haven’t seen my MM in almost 3 weeks but talked to him the day before thanksgiving.

    • Hope

      Hi J,
      I am so sorry for the pain you are in. Please don’t contact him, whatever you don’t contact him. Remember what women who successfully moved on said on this forum, treat it like an addiction because that’s exactly what it is. It hurts like hell because you are in withdrawal phase, trust me I am in the same phase and I know how it hurts. After weeks of NC and peace mm brought me to this same phase again but I am determined to move on for I don’t deserve this, no-one does. You being his best friend, they all say that, mm said that to me too. Yes mm told me the same thing that he never had that connection with anyone else. Whatever BS they feed us the truth is they want us to put up with the situation and stay where we are, nothing will change! Your mm crossed a line when he spoke in detail about having sex with his wife, I have serious questions on whether he even cares about you, may be you are just an object to feed his ego. How many more years are to be wasted trapped like this? It does hurt but as others said the pain will lessen each day. You don’t need his attention to get through your day and once you learn to get through your day without him you will be fine and days will feel much more peaceful. Find things to do in your day that will help you get through your day without his attention. You can do this, take care xx

  • Hope

    Hi all,
    Today I have hit rock bottom again. Ended things with mm more than a month ago but he keeps sending me texts saying he misses me and he is barely ok. I know this is a trap to suck me back in (this worked in past but this time I knew I truly could not take any more of this CRAP). He sent me a text saying me missed me and we talked for few minutes but then he didn’t reply for hours, me being the idiot that I am checked my phone every 2 minutes. Finally told him I am trying to move on but it’s hard for me to move on when he contacts me, told him to stop and that I can’t even be his friend at this point. He sends a sad emoji and says ‘that’s so sad. We are so close and so good’ so I ask him ‘If we are so good and if you love me that much why do you let me be in pain? No woman deserves to be in this secondary position’ he then said ‘fair enough I won’t contact you’ that’s it, didn’t even answer my question of why he never even thought of doing what was needed for us. I was doing so well and I am a mess again. NC brought peace until this happened. I do know with every message he sends I take 2 steps back instead of moving forward. I know I did the right thing

    • ForeverWaiting

      He is a narcissist. You are an object to him, to purely fulfil his needs. His wife is an object, friends, family…. colleagues – everyone in a narcs life serves a purpose.

      He will not answer you, even if he did, he does not care, things will NOT change. Block his number and accept only you can change things. See this as the same as the same as a break up (although when I ‘broke up’ I came to the realisation we were never together – you can’t be, they already have a family, we’re just extra objects, secret ones).

      Narcissists are wonderful actors, liars, they do superb jobs. In fact, many don’t even realise it and believe their own BS. They live in a fantasy world and blame everyone else, espeically the other half. Oh and then its the mistresses fault!. I wish I could add my story here, again (been on this site for 16 mths). But for work purposes have been in message contact for 4 or so weeks with my ex attached man after 15 mths of NC. He never came running, 3.5 yrs affair, he eveb STOPLED me getting a bf, we were planning fertility and at the point of treatment – 2 years of apps….they do not change. I pulled away when he lost his job and he lives 70 miles away….things changed, he was NEVER leaving, I was convenient. A convenient object. Men with hearts do not have affairs. I got the job at his work place. Luckily something amazing happened the same day the paperwork came through and I turned it down! Life is a funny old thing. And the best thing? we chatted and laughed via message for 4 weeks and now I’m so glad I dont have to see him again! Ive had a wonderful bf for a year who thinks i was just chstting to ex colleague/flatmate, this ex AM still secretly chatting to me – laughable! what a sad sad old man. Still a liar. Still living in secret! My new relationship reminded me what happiness is. Before I met him I was happier NOT having AM in my life after initial shock. But give it time. Took me a good 6 minths and thats even with new bf in my life. It’s not easy, but you won’t die. They are lying about everything – I wish I knew that from the start and I wish I had found this website 5 years ago!! Much love x

      • Trish

        You are correct foreverwaiting. It been 6 months of nc for me after a 10 year relationship with mm and his wife knew about me. He moved in April. Now listen, he left his cloths and kept th and parking pass. So did he really move. No. On top of that, he still wasn’t making his self available and had the same behavior when he was living in the house with his wife. He is a true narc and it would take the whole page for me to explain. He never came running either but his daughter stayed in my ear, which made me always go back. So he never had to do any work. This time I changed my number and she doesn’t have it either. One last thing, the last time we broke up for 5 months he started sleeping with one of my old employees just to pay me back. His words not mine. But still says he live me…LMAS OFF. it does get better and the pain does lessen each day.

        • Hope

          Thank you Trish for your words of a support. Wow 6 months, you go girl! So weird that his own daughter would want to help him do this, that’s sick. He slept with someone else just to get back at you! Yeah that’s not love. Yes these mm love only themselves. It’s just I was doing so well in NC and all of a sudden he says all this and now I am feeling the pain again. Absolutely no way I am doing that to myself again and going back, I’ll be strong and move on. Thank you Trish, you have given me hope that I can do this too, we all can. Take care xx

      • Hope

        Thank you so much ForeverWaiting for your advice, I really needed it today. I am so happy for you, I am glad you found a man you deserve and your work environment has changed for good (I have read your story and know you have been through a lot) He is a narcissist, as much as I don’t want to believe it, it is true. I am just an object to feed his ego. After 3years he never even spoke about leaving for me, it was never a consideration and me being the naive woman I am just hoped if I pleased him enough one day he would. It won’t happen I know, have realised it for weeks. I was suffering from post natal depression and he helped me at work and that was it, he is 33 years older than me I can’t even believe I did this, I am so ashamed of myself. I’ll move on and go back NC, no more entertaining him I told him I can’t even his friend so this is it. I was fine for weeks of NC and now after yesterday I feel like we broke up again. Thank you for helping me, God bless xx

        • ForeverWaiting

          Stop! I keep reading this on here and it’s the first thing us victims and poor amazing women (and men) have to stop doing.

          1) You are not naive; they are predators and narcs target vulnerable soft people at their most sensitive time. There you were with post natal depression and BAM….. here comes the narc to help…..

          2) You should NOT be ashamed, absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. Forgive yourself for being human, you again a target for being an empath, a highly empathetic person who was struck at a time of low self esteem at a truly hard time of your life, a little help, suddenly entwined in this unimaginable horror. I was in depression because I was still with my abusive ex…. when I decide to cut off with my ex AM, I was at breaking point – how does that work?!

          What we must all do is realise we are NOT to blame. We are not stupid, naive, dumb, weak, needy, sad amd all those other silly names we call ourselvesm We have been manipulated into this situation where our minds have been programmed to the point we think we can’t live without them. However intelligent we are, we have been programmed – every element of our lives….

          So give yourself a rest, pat yourself on your back and forgive yourself for being human with emotions.

          Everyone on this site trying to escape needs to understand you dont just feel better after NC for 10 days, or 3 months – the shock goes on for a while But it gets better, and life starts to go back to ‘normal’. But its the same as a normal break up, just harder as nost people dont know… and most cant support. So its the worst thing Ive been through. I cant believe I chatted to him for 4 weeks, just like old times, but so funny as soon as I turned the job down, as soon as I ssid many final few (friendly) words, I had no desire to chat to him.

          When you go NC, you will hurt, exoect pain, but instead of thinming so much about him/them… you need to start thinking about you. They have nothing to offer you, happiness, stability, truth, faithfulness or anything near to normality.

          It’s not until you’re months and months that you’re out of the situation you realise how screwed up it is. How they were having sex with their other halves..how they were having and do have normal lives – they lie to us, they lies to their wives and family. I despise him, I really didn’t want to return to my current work place, now realise what a blessing!

          So please – this is nothing to do with you, its all them. Give yourself a break… manipulation of the mind is a nasty thing. Love yourself, break out that circle and down a new road – no one else will do it for you, only you can; it really is that simple, one steo at the time xx

          • Hope

            Thank you ForeverWaiting your words have helped me on my toughest day so far. I was 4 weeks pregnant and today I lost my baby. I miscarried. I can’t help but feel all the stress I was in played a role. My daughter is almost 5 and I had my hopes high of her having a sibling. It’s all gone. Today hit me like a brick in face. I was so focused on sadness of losing mm, thought that was the worst pain ever. But no the worst pain is something happening to own baby/loved one. Today is new chapter in life, I’ll pray and move on. For so long I blamed myself for my situation, today from your words I do believe it’s not my fault. I’ll pray for all of you and your happiness too. Thank you for a helping a stranger in need. May God always bless you all xx

          • ForeverWaiting

            Hi Hope,

            I’m so so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. But stay strong and although it could have been stress, it may have been natures way of doing it’s little thing. I have been there many times (still childless, its fine, will come on to that) but you will get another chance, and maybe at a stronger time in your life when you’re not so emotional too :).

            Now you mentioned ‘I was so focused upset losing MM’ or something like that. What you need you realise is you NEVER had him – NO ONE has these men. Even their wives DO not have these men. Their children do not have these men. Their focus is never 100% genuinely anywhere except on themselves. They do not hols normal emotions.

            So yes your reality has only ever been your child, your family, your friends, your home, your work if you do and most importantly – yourself. These MM are NEVER EVER reality – EVER. Yet we waste precious months and years of stress. And our health. Our poor health.

            Everyone – please read:

            I suffered locked jaw for over 2 years and had to see a specialist, only now I am healing. My right jaw completely swelled to the point when I visited my parents (they are 300 miles away) my Dad noticed, he has onsetof dementia and notices little! I could not eat until midday as the swelling caused me to not be able to ooen my mouth after sleeping. It first caused clicky jaw and ny doctor said it was the wirat case he’d seen in 40 years. Then after a few specialist appointments another doctor daid I also had swelling in the ledt side. At the time I blamed my ex bf who was abusive – I realise now the ex AM caused all this!!!! He still to this day dlags off my ex bf but at least the ex bf was mine, 24/7!!

            Children:
            And also, with the AM we went through fertility tests – for those who dont know, yep the attached guy also webt as far as fertility hospital and all the appintments at 3 different units in 3 counties with me over 2 years! went to great lengths to keeps the BS up! I have multiple fibroids; these are so bad now and were 18 mths ago a doctor who has done scans for 20 years so she has never seen so many – I suffer badly, in constant pain, swollen; sick, anaemic. I’m 40 next year, the affair started when I was 34, what a waste of my most precious childbearing years. To play on what I was most desperate for – children of my own!!!! He even made me neet his young daughter when she was 20 months old; to pull my heart strings (what a wonderful father – her poor Mother, how disgusting!!) I met his lovely innocent daughter twice again after this- basically before she turned 3 and she got too old and before she said anything!.

            He would talk about us ALL lving in his big house all together as a family (2 daughters, our kids) us having fertlity and giving his young daughter and her half sister a proper happy family as his long term gf, his young daughters Mum doesn’t give her that environment and home is a sad place with 2 unhappy parents. What utter rubbish I understand now!!

            But 2+ years ago – I believed every word as he needed me to feel sorry for him, he created this fantasy world for us to live in, he created this hell world he had to live in and couldn’t escape yet and promised me the world including children and fertility.

            The MMs create a big lie. None is reality. The only reality is everything you had before you met. Every text, every meet, every thing they say, everytime they touch you, every present and every promise by the MM is a lie and not reality. You never llse something you never have. Hou can’t break up with someone you’ve never been with full time in reality.

            Take care Hope, keep warm; eat well, hold your 5 yr old close, your reality, what you have always had. Put every piece of energy into what you 100% have. Now read and educate as much as you can. When the time is right you’ll fall pregnant again and it’ll all be fine, I promise you. Your mind will be in a good place, the MM will be in the past and not even a thought and you’ll ve in a very good place. Much love xx

          • Hope

            ForeverWaiting I wish I could give you a big hug xx It’s true not all angels have wings and you truly are one for me and for so many of us on this forum. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so very sorry for all that you have been through, it’s too much. I cried when I read your post today about what happened between you and ex AM and how he manipulated you for so long. You are one of the strongest woman I know, we are all so proud of you ForeverWaiting and I pray you get all the happiness, laughter and smiles that you deserve. May God always bless you with happiness and good health. Having a miscarriage is heartbreaking, I was there in emergency and I couldn’t do anything to keep my baby safe, I just kept bleeding and it was over. The tears have stopped but the loss is still there. I am so sorry you had to go through miscarriages too xx
            The loss of my baby is way worse than anything else. I don’t feel any need to contact him and will make sure that I don’t. You are right ForeverWaiting I can’t lose something that was never mine. Thank you so much for helping me ForeverWaiting and for helping so many others like me. What a great and kind person you are, shame on ex AM for not being able to see that but his loss and he never deserv you anyway. I am so glad you found happiness. You are a blessing in our lives and in lives of everyone around you. Take care and I thank you so much for giving me strength at my most vulnerable phase.
            Love,
            Hope xx

    • Needhelp

      Hi Hope,

      I am in exactly the same position. After 4 months my mm is still sending me messages saying he misses me but has never said he will sort his situation out. The last conversation I had with him before we split was him saying he was going to sort it out. Three weeks later he went on holiday with his family. Yes it might already have been planned but it was the final straw for me.
      I know I should just block his number. I’ve blocked him on WhatsApp but for some reason I can’t bring myself to block his number completely. I guess I’m not strong enough yet. Hopefully I will be one day.
      It’s hard when they are saying how much they miss you. I know he cares about me but I will never be happy in this situation and it makes me angry that he expects me to put up with it. I won’t get sucked in again – I’m not going there. Hope you have the strength to resist. I know how hard it is. I think they know we find it hard and use it to their advantage.

      • Hope

        Thank you so much NeedHelp you have no idea how much your words have helped me, I needed this today I thought I was doing well and it all came crumbling down yesterday. Today I was frantically looking for advice here. I understand how you feel, mm going on holidays is always hard. Good on you for standing your ground, 4 months is great effort you should be very proud of that (I wish I am able to do the same, I know for sure I have no choice if I want to save myself from misery I have to do this/ We have to do this) . This morning I became weak again and apologised to him for lashing out yesterday. I know I’ll be fine again after few days of NC, I just need to get through this tough phase. I was on right track but he brought me down again but we all get back up. We are stronger than we know. Thank you so much for helping me.

      • Hope

        Hi J,
        First few days hurt like hell but when I found things to do with myself during the day, whether it was work or making contact with friends again (no-one knows) it got better. I realised I didn’t need his attention to get through the day and just being on my own meant no drama which brought a lot of peace. Now I’ll go back to NC and do what I did weeks ago, good luck xx

  • J

    Who does that? What mm tells you they had sex with their wife for the first time in 3 years. Then says but it didn’t compare to being with you and I still love you. Who does that?????? What demented man looks at you in your face, a woman who has loved you with their entire heart and soul, and says that? A sick and crazy man. Definitely a narcissist. No good man would ever do that. Just end things with me and leave me alone. Don’t tell me that and stare at me waiting for my reaction. It’s truly the cruelest thing anyone has ever done to me. I will never love this man again.

    • Clair

      Oh that’s nothing compared to what my MM did one time. We were texting one night pretty hot and heavy stuff. Don’t hear from him for about 15 min. When he text back I said what happened? He said oh I went to the bathroom. Then he said I can’t lie to you, I went and woke my wife up and you can guess what happened! Like I can’t tell you the hurt and emotion I felt. He apologized and was so sorry saying he just wanted me so bad and thought about me the whole time. Still to this day that sticks out in my mind and still makes me sick. But what did I do? Acted like it never happened.

      • J

        That sounds sick and deranged. I cannot stand what these men do to us. Maybe some think we made our bed so now we need to lie in it. That’s just not true. We are people with feelings who got caught up in terrible situations. I feel I was used for so long. He knew my every insecurity and gave me exactly what I needed. He knew my issues from the past, he made me need him. Now I hate him.

        • Clair

          Looking back it does make me sick. And I feel sorry for his wife cause she has no idea who she is married to. And after that he gets mad at me for getting upset at that!!! It’s been almost a week since we’ve talked and 3 weeks since we’ve see each other. We last talked Wednesday before thanksgiving and we said our goodbyes and then that Saturday he posts to Snapchat a picture of him and his wife!

    • Hope

      J I think he is only doing that to make you feel jealous and compete for his attention. This is some sick move. Shame on him for doing this to a woman who truly loves him. Don’t let him get to you please. Stay strong, we are all here for you

  • J

    I am truly in so much pain I feel like part of me has died. He hurt me so badly tonight. Has been texting me all day and acting sweet. Asked me to meet him, acted normal and then said I have to tell you something. Tells me that he felt in order to really try to make his marriage work, he had to have sex with her. They haven’t in years. He has told me repeatedly, over and over, up until just days ago that he can’t get an erection with her because she’s so unattractive to him. Said he prayed over and over for it to work with her. Said he was able to get an erection, he thinks it helped because she left most clothes on. He said he couldn’t finish because he lost his erection but she helped him finish in another way. Said it was nothing in comparison to being with me. Said he did think of me during the act. Said he love me and I still drive him crazy sexually. I just sat there in total silence because I don’t have 1 word left for him. He then asked me if we’re going to run tomorrow as we usually do. I have completely reached my limit with this man. He has ruined any chance of us ever having anything in the future. I hate him so much right now and he completely disgusts me. I feel like I could vomit right now just thinking of him. I hope he is very happy with his choice because I never want to see his face again. It’s crazy how the face I loved and adored for so long has now become the most disgusting image to me. I hope I never see again as long as I live. I don’t even want to waste one word talking to him ever again. I need to learn to live without him, create new routines, and truly forget him and this horrific pain. I will never understand why this happened to me. I pushed him away in the beg so many times and he pursued me over and over. I will never trust like that again. This is the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. How do I move on like I need to? How do you think he will react to my complete ignoring of him? Please help me. I hope no one else feels this pain right now because it’s killing me.

    • Needhelp

      J,
      I am flabbergasted by what I have just read. This man is an absolute a*s. He tells you these things as if it’s a good thing he’s being truthful but he is a complete user with no respect for your feelings. I’m so sorry for your pain. I know how it feels to hit rock bottom – you think they can’t possibly do anything else to hurt you more.. and then they do.
      This man is not only disrespectful to you but also his wife. I’m so sorry but he will never bring you happiness, just like my mm won’t for me.
      As much as it hurts try and use this as the turning point – if you let him get away with this he will think it’s ok to treat you like this again in future. Use that anger and channel it to help you move away from him. You are too good for this. I’m so angry with this man!

      • J

        Thank you so much for your support. I’m stunned that he could be so cruel. I could never look at him the same. He’s been texting me several times last night and today since breaking the news to me. I’m truly disgusted by him. He keeps asking me to run with him and asking why I won’t talk to him. And also said he prays I will forgive him because he will love me always and forever. What in the world does he want from me? Does he actually think I want to speak to him after this and continue seeing him??

  • J

    Hello everyone,
    Another holiday gone, spent wondering what he is doing with his wife and family. Such a waste of time when I could be enjoying my life. He did ask me to run in the morning and texted me all day on and off. He’s been talking about his usual guilt. I told him I want to move on this week but then he texts me all day and acts like I said nothing. I said I’m so sick of it all. He said okay let’s be friends because you mean so much to me and you’re the closest person to me in my whole life. Said he loves me and I’m his best friend, but he can’t hurt his wife because that would be so selfish and against his religion to get divorced. I said ok, friends, so do not touch me. 5 hours later he’s kissing me and touching me. I should’ve said no but I love him too so it feels impossible to stop him. Afterwards he said we can’t do that and I agreed and told him I want him to work in his marriage. He said he does NOT love his wife romantically but hopes he will someday. I said okay, please work on your marriage then. A few hours later he’s sending me all these flirtatious texts telling for how much he wants me. Then in person started the physical contact again. He said he tries so hard to resist me but he can’t no matter what. Then the next morning again mentioned how he wants to try to rekindle romantic love with his wife, and prays it will happen, although says he feels nothing for her right now. Back and forth, over and over, it just keeps repeating. I think it’s quite selfish and demented to tell me he loves me and can’t resist me and initiate physical intimacy with me, and then a few hours later tell me he’s working on his marriage and wants romantic love with her. I feel like screaming at him to leave me alone then! It’s almost cruel the way he keeps telling me that. I know there’s only one possible ending, it’s just when will I be strong enough to resist him too. I know with our level of constant communication and seeing each other daily, it will crush him. I think that’s the only way to make him realize his true feelings. Right now I’m a bandaid on his marriage, making his marriage doable because he’s getting his joy from me.

    • Thistooshallpass

      Hi J. I’m here too after another holiday wondering and ruminating while they’re on vacation. It’s soul crushing and after this past week I’m so checked out. I’ve said it before but I have to make this stick. Living with resentment is poison and anger only hurts its container. I want to go into the new year with a clear conscience. Anyhow, your story sounds very similar which is no surprise. We all could write the same book with the quintessential tragic ending. He can’t live without us but can’t leave either bc of whatever f’ing reason they give. Let’s call a spade a spade. They want the comfort of familiarity and home and the romance of someone new. We’re just enabling their marriage and every time I feel sad I’m going to remind myself that without us they’re forced to work out their problems on the inside. I hope you and every one of us here can do the same when we have a moment of weakness. Let them stew in their own juices. We are a prize not to be taken for granted or accept anything less than 100%. God bless!

      • J

        Thank you. You are right. I’ve enabled his marriage for a long time. I think I actually fixed his marriage. He’s told me that he’s a much better communicator now because of me, and this will help him in fixing his marriage. Just another slap in the face.

    • Hope

      Oh J I am so sorry Hun!! Xx So sorry for the pain he is causing you!! You are right in thinking he is selfish. If HE NEEDS to work on HIS marriage he needs to stop messing with you!. When will you be strong enough to resist him?? when you decide enough is enough. I know the number of times I tried to break with mm but always went back. This time it was all enoug for me. There comes a point where we realise taking care of ourselves and who WE are becomes more important than some addiction. I have lost track of since when we are not together (think it’s a good thing). He still contacts me and tries to entice me back but I have refused. I need to this for myself, NC bring me peace. Take care of yourself J, this man is not worth your tears xx

    • Jo

      J, your words resonate so much with me! I broke up with my MM over a month ago and have been on a emotional roller coaster since. I was doing well the last 2 weeks, then on Thanksgiving, I stupidly looked up his wife’s facebook page and saw a happy family picture on her profile pic. I thought I was already over him, but as soon as I saw the pic, my heart dropped, I broke down and cried uncontrollably. That is just to tell you that even though I broke up, it still hurts like hell sitting at home wondering what he could be doing with his wife, if they have rekindled their romance and maybe having the best make up sex, making more plans for their little family together now that he feels all guilty about what he has done. At least my guy has never said he wanted to work on his marriage until I forced the question on him the day I broke up. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through having to deal with his inconsistent behaviors and affection toward you. Yes it is very selfish of him to play with your emotion like this, and that’s exactly what he’s doing, whether he’s aware of it or not. Please please just do it, end it with him. This is one of the things that you just can’t overthink but just do it. In fact, there’s nothing to think about, he’s happy with the status quo, we, the other woman, are not. Yes it will hurt like hell (I’m still in pain everyday thinking of what we used to do together, what we used to say to each other, our favorite/not-so-favorite songs, walks on the beach, food we shared, not to mention the amazing sex, how he made me feel appreciated and treasured). Yes, he is a good man, but not to me. Just like yours, he could be a perfect person, just not to you and for you, until he proves it with his actions, which will NEVER happen. You know it, just have to accept it so you can build up the courage to break up. Now after breakup, I really believe what stopped me from breaking up was my secret and unconscious HOPE that he would one day make my dream come true and be with me for good.

      J, bite the bullet and do it, there is true happiness waiting for all of us on the other end. You will be able to get over him, one day at a time, you can do it. Us women are stronger than the temptation to take the crumbs of love that our married men give us. Ask yourself if you were in his shoes and loved him this much, would you let him suffer everyday the way you do now ? Would you give him the best time in the world, then go back to your marriage and tell him you want to do the same to your spouse instead?

    • LifeLessons

      Hi J, you are strong enough. You have to believe that in order to make some changes when it comes to how you deal with him. If you are strong enough to tolerate his up/downs as well as his stories about what he wants with his wife…you are strong enough to walk away. I think a lot of us are looking for a certain type of attention and its part of the reason we dont walk away. We enjoy the attention we recieve and some of us have enjoyed it so much that we have fallen in love with a man that is enjoying himself with more than one woman. I think when you are fed up you will realize your strenght, you just havent gotten to that point yet. Continue to check in here for support it helps. This is a judgement free zone and I love it!

      • J

        Thank you everyone. Your words are helping me so much right now. I’m in so much pain with the recent developments of him telling me in detail all about having sex with his wife after 3 years. I be finally reached my limit. I blocked him in every way he contacted me. I’m going to dif places so I won’t see him. I can’t. He is no longer the man I loved. Every time I think of him all that comes into my head is his disgusting description of their sexual act. I wish I could get it out of my head but I can’t. It’s all I’ve thought of since he told me. I can hardly work, or talk to anyone. I just keep thinking of it. Why would he ever tell me about this? I’m so sad because deep down inside I had this blind faith that we really were soulmates like he told me so many times. I believed that our love would prevail. It’s the end of my faith too, which is also very very sad.

  • Monica

    My affair with a married man started 14 months ago. When we started he was married for 2 years, 1 kid. When I broke it off, 3 years married and 2 kids. I was devastated when he broke the news that she was pregnant. The baby was conceived just before we met as they wanted to have a sibling for baby number 1. (I did the maths and it all checks out!) He fought so hard for me to stick around and like a sucker I stayed. I have never felt this way about a man before and quite honestly I can say I probably never will. My wounds are still fresh and I can’t stop thinking about him.

    I broke down to him just after our 1 year and told him that I am tired and can’t do this anymore. I said he’s made it obvious that he can’t leave because of his kids so what does he expect me to do? He was speechless, he has been seeing a therapist about our situation because he desperately wants to be with me. The therapist contacts me regarding him and I’ve gone to a few sessions myself.
    After I ended it one night in a McDonalds car park, he messaged my mother on Facebook thanking her for raising someone like myself and telling her how he feels about me. My mum found out about my affair, as I still live with her (I’m 23 years old), so I came clean and told her everything. She recently went through a bitter divorce and wishes she had left a decade earlier, so do I! So she offered the only advice she could give based on her situation, “if you aren’t happy, leave. I stayed in a marriage for my babies and my ex destroyed me and now my babies have grown up and left me to live their own lives. I’m not with my true love and spent my entire marriage unhappy because I thought sacrificing that for my kids was the right thing to do.” MM agreed and thanked her for the advice. He still tried to contact me via social media so one day, after an anxiety attack, I removed him from social media and privatised all of my profiles. He messaged me regarding my move and I told him that his constant contact dragged me under every time. I love this man with all of my being. He has come clean to his cousin who knows every intricate detail of his life, this cousin isn’t fond of his wife and only wants to see MM happy. I’m not sure of the details of the conversation as the therapist reached out and told me. I feel in my heart he will leave, and not because it’s what I want but he is seeing a therapist, telling family that he loves me and even reached out to my own mum. He visits my family’s restaurant to see me and tries his hardest to remain in contact. Maybe our timing isn’t right, but I can’t help but feel so alone, sad and isolated. MM has told me that his children will one day meet their step-mum and he can’t wait to make me Mrs. Smith* (changed surname for protection). I would show my mum these messages and she would feel sorry for us both, she’s been in a position where she wanted out of her marriage and to find someone that genuinely loved her, but with 3 kids and being a single parent in the 90’s, it was hard for her.

    He knows our story, and if he ever reads this I want him to know that I will always love him, whatever decision he makes. Sempre e per sempre bedduzzo.

    • Lara

      Monica, I hope for the best outcome for you. I also hope he isn’t deluding himself you or both. But you know this already. Whatever happens: Stay strong! You deserve your own man to love and cherish you. We ALL do!

      • Monica

        Thanks Lara! It’s so hard for all of us, doesn’t matter the situation. The only advice I can give anyone on this forum is this, break it off. It’s not because you don’t love him, but simply because if you truly love this man and want to be with him, you want your relationship to come from a good place. He knows what it’s like to be with you and obviously feels a sense of happiness because he wouldn’t return. In order for the relationship to work, I do believe it has to come from a more pure place. Break it off because you love him and truly want to be with him, a clean fresh start will give the relationship the chance it truly deserves.

  • Holly

    I do completely agree. I’ve been reading this blog for a while now and it’s such a healthy support system in a situation where you feel so isolated. I really did think our connection was so unique bc I’ve never experienced it or heard of such strong and easy chemistry between two people (aside from those lucky few people everyone knows who actually found their person in life and everyone around them can see they’re meant to be). My biggest question is how are all our situations, feelings and connections so ridiculously similar? How do all these men act and think almost the same way? It does help me cope this whole thing isn’t a once in a lifetime thing and all this is so much more common then I ever thought. I haven’t convinced myself yet to believe what we have isn’t so special that I’m willing to endure all this torture to hold onto it, but bc of this support from all of you it’s finally a recognizable concept for me. So thank you all of you for sharing, supporting, and help one another through this.

    • LifeLessons

      Holly it is amazing how so many of us are experiencing the same thing and the men are similair. Sometimes I feel that humans have inate animal like tendencies. The need to have more than one “mating partner”…It seems like is such a difficult thing for men and women to be monogamous just as animals…they only know polygyny. This may not make any sense to anyone else but me but I find it interesting. Anyway, the purpose of me making that correlation was to say that is why so many of us are going through the same thing in my opinion. I know many people believe cheaters are the worst people who ever lived but theyre not. I am single and I use to believe that I would someday find the one person who wanted to share the rest of his life with me and only me. Well I got into at least 2 long term relationships(over 5yrs) and 1 short term(less than 5yrs) and each male cheated on me and within my family, my greatgrand father cheated, my grandfather cheated, my dad was a habitual cheater. I am a chatterbug, I talk to my friends, their friends, strangers, the homeless, etc and have heard so many stories from other women and men relating to them cheating or being cheated on, some of the cheaters has done it for years and has never gotten caught. I realize once you get married you are suppose to let those types of behaviors go but how do you let go of something that is innate ?! Again this is my opinion and maybe I am rationalizing it because I am seeing a MM lol…I know we all deserve someone who will love, honor, and respect us enough to be monogamous. It just seems like a rare commodity. I wanted to do some research to see what the commonalities were for why we find ourselves in this type of situations. I have gone on a rant(so sorry😩😩) but I hope I was able to articulate why I feel we are all in the same scenario! When we are ready to overcome this we can and we will…in due time!

      • Lara

        Hi Life Lessons, I used to think exactly like you! But time has taught me there are cheaters and there are monogamous people. In other words there are BOTH. Many men are quite loyal and monogamous by nature. And many women are the same. I do believe one can find a truly monogamous partner if that is what you want to find. Marriage takes work of course and commitment (!) but many couples do work on their marriages and stay quite happy. That was never in my “genes” however….I did not witness my parents in a happy marriage and I had no idea what a happy marriage would look like or how to find one! So I gravitated to what I knew: other people like me with relationship “phobias” or “issues” like always wanting an “out”. My former MM and MANY other MM’s have serious relationship issues as well. That is why their marriages do not keep them happy. It is often not the wife’s fault at all but of course that is who they blame. That is because they are not looking deeply into their own relationship patterns and styles. I know my MM well enough to know he has real trouble communicating intimately and expressing his true feelings, especially anger. When he was pissed off at his wife we always had a great time and great sex! (I only realized so much of this recently after our break up) I am in therapy and getting some help with my own intimacy issues which many so called “mistresses” have. For me I like a lot of space or I feel suffocated by a person. I am also afraid. I actually liked NOT seeing the MM every minute of the day so I could do things on my own. In other words, I liked having my own space and life. But I hated hated hated him having a wife! I will never do that again.I don’t think I could survive another affair emotionally. I hope this is helpful to you or someone else.

  • TB

    Just 10 days ago I ended my relationship with a MM that lasted 15 years. It has been an emotional rollercoaster these last years and this page has given me so much hope. I felt so alone. This break up has been very hard, but I can also say a part of me is feeling better already. I hope to post my story one day because I think it will be a huge step in my healing

    • LifeLessons

      Wow…15 years! I am 10 months in this and feel that it is such a rollercoaster and as much as I say I want to get out of it, I dont! I often wonder, how such a confident, beautiful, intelligent woman like myself has gotten caught up in a situation like this. Others have told me I have a heart of gold so i am just shocked at myself. This site is helpful and I am encouraged when I read this. Stay Strong and Best Wishes

    • cjay

      TB, having the courage to post is a start. I was in a 12+ year affair with MM#2. I haven’t seen him in 2 1/2 years. He still contacts me. I stopped answering calls a few months ago. It’s just too difficult to talk to him. He’s been texting a lot lately. I replied yesterday, I know I shouldn’t have. It was a text about something other than “us” and I do miss him, sometimes. It’s getting easier. I remind myself how he lied to me, how I isolated myself to be available for him, how I allowed him to ruin birthdays, holidays, etc. He and wife just celebrated 25th wedding anniversary. He kept telling me the same BS that others post here; they don’t sleep together, they make “appearances” for sake of family, blah, blah, blah. TB, you are not alone! We’re all here working through pain, grief, tears and heartache. Stay strong. Find the courage to post your story. Hopefully small steps will heal your broken heart.

      • TB

        Yeah ladies I dont know what is going on but life hit me like a ton of bricks this year. I have no idea how I got myself in this mess. I look back 15, 10 years ago and WTF was I thinking.Why didn’t I walk away when it was easier. Im 38 now he is 51. I dont want to waste anymore time with this man. Time just went by so quick and everyday I stay in this mess is another day I’m unhappy. We worked together for 14 years so that was a huge reason it continued so long. But I’m not going to lie, there are strong feelings there. Feelings I cant even explain. We were together everyday.
        He stopped by last night. I have him blocked from my phone and we didn’t talk for 10 days. I honestly dont even know how to stop this anymore. Its him that won’t let me go. I am trying so hard on my end to stop all contact. He will just come to my house, call my father and beg him to talk to me (yes my family even knows him). The longer you stay in this mess the harder it is for sure.
        I am so desperate I am thinking about taking 2 months and going to FL and staying with a friend just to be out of here and get my head together. I have a business that I just cant get up and go… but i am really trying to find a way that I can.
        I read your stories and I know how hard it is. Me and him sparked right away, our connection was ridiculous. He always chased me. I tried to run so many times. Everyone at where we worked knew we were together. He made things obvious. His wife found out about me many times, she has had boyfriends also. They have 4 kids together. Divorce papers been filed, then never signed. It has been hell. He says he knows deep inside we will be together one day…. but when he is 70 lol??? I just want to see what else is out there at this point. I went on a date last week and it was so nice to have someone I could talk about a future with. Just so hard to have feelings for anyone else right now 🙁
        Gosh I wish I could tell you all to RUN.. do whatever you have to do to get the hell out. But I know its not that easy. They give us hope only to never follow through.

        • Lara

          Hi TB
          I so enjoyed reading your post as I too had a very long term affair…the total time was twenty (gag) years. However there were many breakups and I did try dating other men and being in other relationships so the truth is over those twenty years, the MM and I were involved for ten total years and the other ten years i was off trying to forget him and live my life without him! And I did! But alas I always felt he was my true love (still do some days). He works next to my house and so unfortunately I have a deep association of “home” with him. He says his wife never really loved him and I believed him. But this spring I saw them holding hands in front of my house! I finally got a chance to confront him recently with that and he answered, “we always hold hands!” I just about died inside. I said this is the non-romantic marriage you told me about? He said “That does not mean anything else goes on between us”. Honestly at that moment I saw what a good liar this man is and always has been. Boy can he lie on his feet. Any man who can have an affair long term has to be a great liar just by definition. He lied massively to her. Now I know he lied massively to me as well. And he was definitely sleeping with her! What sane woman would stay in a sexless marriage? And since they were “always” hold hands they sure as hell have sex! The trouble is I thought I was different than her and that our relationship was real and that he would not “need” to lie to me. I called it quits at Easter and for the year before that we were mostly off. SO I am proud of myself for those actions. But this relationship and the mistakes that I made in trusting him and in giving him so much truly felt love and attention still haunt me.

  • LifeLessons

    Hi Everyone!
    I havent been on here in months. Im Pat and I too have a MM as a “boyfriend”. It was nothing I planned to get involved in. The first time I saw him was in 2015 at a sporting event that both of our kids are involved in and we had small talk refarding the sport maybe one or 2 times during that season. The following year our kids participated in the same sport where we would see each other again and this season 2016/17 he would talk to me. I never saw him with a ring or anything. He decided we would exchange numbers in Jan “17”. I was attracted to him from the few months of us chatting together during practices. We went on a date and one of the questions I asked was, are you married and he answered yes but…we just really pay bills together etc. I didnt believe what excuse he gave and i told him we could be cool but nothing more. I went on dates with him after that and we talked about many different things he invited me to work events where we joked about me meeting someone there. After 3 months of “friendly” dates we had sex. I felt bad but did it again and again. 10 months later I am still caught in this vicious cycle of him!

    It is such a rollercoaster. I like him, i lust after him and then I dont want anything to do with him. Due to my busy schedule I am not always able to answer when he calls or be available when he needs me to be so that has helped me to feel I still had some control. We havent had any major fall outs with one another but he doesnt like how im not available all the time. Well anyway this is beginning to really get weird for me.

    #1 Our kids go to the same school and he said his wife told him I seem like a sweet lady and if he could contact me to see if I could help them out by taking their kid home sometimes after practice. I could not believe what he was saying (I recalled a conversation him and I had one night while he was home and I said why are you calling me while youre home and he said oh she knows i talk to you) I said why does she know we talk to each other and he said because I give him info about school and activities and she asked how does he know and he told her from me. Ok, I was annoyed by this for a little while but moved past it.

    #2 Well last Weds he invited me to an event that is semi formal. I said she is not going and he said oh she will be there and I said what ??! He said yes, I said oh no you didnt…he said what he said is that too much, its too much aint it and I said yes why would you do that. He said ok you right sorry!

    #3 A few days ago I called him and he said guess what, my wife said she appreciate you helping us out and we definitely have to get you something for Christmas and I was just taken back by this. I said oh no she doesnt have to do that and he said but she is. I said there are a few kids I take home so this is nothing special because of US. He said she said you are really sweet and nice and she want to show her appreciation. I got off the phone!

    #4 Saturday the kids had an event we got to the school at the same time and he rolled the window down and said you know I couldve pick them up this time and I said oh its fine. We pulled off…I stopped home and then went to get something to eat and guess who was there…yes he was there too. So the lady behind the counter said awwww is that your girlfriend and he smiled and said yes she is. I looked at the lady with a serious face and she said so sorry. He said this is my girlfriend. I said stop it with an embarassed face.

    I have not spoken with him since yesterday but I am having some feelings and emotions about all of this. U was doing ok with controlling my emotions but I am beginning to feel overwhelmed. I know leaving is what everyone will say I need to do and I know that…It is so hard once youre sucked in. I do not want to be single for another year or so because Im stuck being the “girlfriend” of someone elses husband. I want to date and I make sure he knows that. He even said we could stop having sex until he has taken me on dates because he does not want me to think it is just about sex and in my head I said…it is just about sex. I would love to date other people and Ive been on dating websites but it is not working out for me. I just needed to vent to you all.

    Thanks for reading.

    • Clair

      My situation is a little bit like yours. Our kids are the same age. They were friends and that’s how I met him and the wife. Went to their a house a time or two to pick my child up from a play date. Next thing I know he’s messaging me. Innocent at first but then it got more involved and serious. Wife thought I was the greatest thing cause I helped out with their child from time to time. Fast forward to now it’s been 2 years on and off. We’ve broke up and got back together so many times. The longest we went without seeing each other is 6 weeks but talked a time or two between but I was over it. He really hurt my feelings so I honestly didn’t want anything to do with him. School started again and he messages me wanting to see me and talk and we ended up together again. He’s always the one to end it or say he needs a break. We are both married and its affected my marriage, and me physically and mentally. I’ve gained weight, I’ve lost weight and I’ve been a hot mess. We live in a small town so we see each other at school events and town events. It’s hard because I wish I didn’t see him and I could move on better I think. As of right now he doesn’t know what he wants. I’m so sweet to him and he can be so ugly to me and I wind up getting hurt. Just like today. I’ll text and he won’t reply. I know I don’t need to be with him but it is an addiction. For him and me both. When he does end it, I’ll start getting better and feeling better and then he’ll text and I’m back to square one. It’s a cycle that I just wish I never started on.

      • LifeLessons

        Wow…yes, very similair stories. I am single and thought if i had someone else to occupy my time and my mind that i would be able to get rid of him easier but I guess that is not the case…
        I dont have many friends to talk to about it so it is nice to come here and vent. I was feeling so weird about his wife saying how sweet and nice I am and knowing she feels like they have to get me something for Christmas.

        You were so right about it being an addiction and that is why its such a challenge to break away from the MM…

        • Clair

          As of today me and him are not together. He gets in these phases where he feels bad and says he needs to step up at home and he’ll say we need to stop. That’s where we are right now. Told him this morning I would let him go. Not because I want to but because I know that’s what he wants right now and that I’ll miss him: he replied and said he was very thankful for me and he’ll miss me more. I know he cares for me and he struggles just like I do. We want to be better but we can’t seem to really let go because if he doesn’t text me within the next few weeks I’ll be surprised. It always happens this way. I know we shouldn’t be together but I still love him .

          • LifeLessons

            I totally understand and what do you do ?! I mean really…once feelings are involved, you feel stuck. Youre not stuck but you have trained your brain to think that you are therefore it is extremely challenging to do something such as move on. The brain is so powerful, so much so that a lot of us have tricked “it” to believe we are not strong. When the truth of the matter is…most of us are SUPER HERO STRONG! A weak person cannot be in a situation like this at all. I am not saying you need to deal with a MM to know your strength but I am saying there is alot a strength in woman that can take on all of the baggage that comes along with dealing with any married man. I honestly believe that if we told ourselves WE CAN do it and WE CAN leave them and WE CAN move on and WE WILL we may actually be able to make changes…we typically say its too hard and I dont know how to let go. This is my opinion and if I did this myself I would probably be better off but since I dont listen to my own advice…I continue to stay stuck lol! Funny but not funny

          • Clair

            I totally agree! I know I can do it but then things will remind me of him and it makes me sad. I’m still friend with him on social media and I know I need to delete and cut all contact but a part of me wants him to see what I’m doing and then a part of me wants him to not know anything and wonder. I want him to miss me and want to know what I’m doing.

          • Lara

            Life Lessons You are inspiring me with that talk of us being STRONG. Yes we sure are!
            I totally agree. Maybe “too” strong sometimes if I may add. We bear up under incredible circumstances.

  • Lois

    I’m struggling today and have mm on my mind. The last time there was contact was Friday morning. I have posted my situation but very similar to many of you except we agreed neither of us would leave our kids. I never meant to fall in love but it happened. He’s never admitted his feelings only recent when he ended things again that by telling me his feelings would only make it harder for us to move on. We have been off and on for about 17 months. I’m on cloud none when things are good but it’s an emotional roller-coaster. He claims to have medical issues and only told me that he wouldn’t be able to hide his condition. He told a couple of coworkers he has brain tumor. My friend who had an affair with him said he told her about the tumor in 2013. I’m guessing there’s no tumor and uses this to his advantage. He claims the guilt eats him alive to be with me and how morally wrong it is because he goes to church except he lies about stupid stuff like saying things are ordered when he hasn’t done it, telling people one story when it really happened a different way. I pretty sure lying is morally wrong. Anyway, he ended things and I went no contact for about a week. I explained to him my silence was needed to get over him but he continued to say good morning or hi in the hallway. We finally spoke he told he was 100% certain to end things and work on his marriage but things have been better. I saw him and his wife leaving lunch one day. It bothered me and texted him. We charted through text and agreed the situation sucks but he had to end things. We tried it his way and stopped the no contact and tried to be friendly but nothing more. This doesn’t work for me because I am weak and he knows it. Thursday I texted him and he actually responded. He normally doesn’t so there is no evidence. We flirt texted. I jokingly told him that he was fired…it’s a joke between us. So Friday morning I sent a text to see if waS feeling better. He replied and I replied just had you on my mind. He replied why…thought I was fired. Then nothing…had not responded. So I said screw it and tired of the games. Then today, I feel so compelled to reach out to him but I’m trying hard to have no contact. Is it me or does this guy seem narassastic? I found out his brother was diagnosed with cancer in April which was about the time he ended things because of his health and told me he would not be able to hide his illness any longer from people. He claims his church wants him to take over communication but found out the brother who has cancer is also the communication director at his church. It seems he is living his brothers life or maybe it’s a coincidence but don’t think so. I am tired of the games but there’s an addiction like a drug. I need help to get through this and no people like you understand all to well how hard it is. Please pray for me.

  • Nomad

    Felk, I haven’t seen mm since 1Nov and he rang on 13Nov sounded platonic and no more Baby or miss me. Then mia for another week. I’m confident that we will not see each other in nov and Dec as long as I block him and he stays rational enough to forsake me. Nc is finally looking promising this time.

    Felk, you mentioned “there’s a reason every website and piece of advice on ending a relationship tells you NC is the way to go. Even if you think you’ll want to contact that person again, at least give yourself some period of NC (like 2 months) before you consider getting in contact again.” I think after 2 mths, I should be over him, accepted and adapted, i wouldn’t want to consider and dumped all my efforts into the drain. I’m looking forward to quit this addiction and move on at least for myself before repairing my marriage.

    I do not practice what I preach or decide too!! I am very sure I’ll not befriend him. He’ll be a stranger whom I feel indifferent. Yes it’s VERY hard but I’ve no choice.

    I feel you and all you said about “some days”. I too experienced the same. Least you still get to know that he missed you and thought about you every day whereas with each passing day of nc, I think I’ve faded to near zero existence and not even the lust is lingering.

    I am avoiding my husband and it’s really hard to rekindle the passion and desire, no way no matter what i try or hint. I won’t say I’ll keep trying because I am incapable of executing my decision as far as this mess is concerned.

    • Felk

      Nomad, you know I understand your pain. I still feel an uncomfortable tension, almost every day, between feeling in love with my MM and knowing that I have to stop being in love with him. It is an awful tension that is worse some days than others, but it’s generally just this feeling that something is missing. Thing is, I now know I want it to be over. I know I want that tension gone. For a while, I wasn’t sure I wanted to let go of the love. I loved the feeling of being in love with him and just didn’t want to let it go. But, now, I’m recognizing that I have to. It’s no good for me to hold on. It’s making me miserable, and even though I know it’s going to hurt a lot to let go of him, I want to stop feeling this tension every day. So, I accept that I’m going to feel sad and anxious for a while. We were in love for five years. That’s going to take more than two months to go away. But, I am committing my efforts to my marriage and rebuilding my closeness with my husband. For about a month after my break-up, I couldn’t feel close to my husband. I “tried” but I was still so overwhelmed with sadness that it did no good for me to try to force myself to be close to my husband. But, gradually, over the last month, I have started building closeness into our relationship again (e.g., picking a TV show for us to watch together on Netflix). Through this month, I have still found it hard to initiate physical intimacy. And I don’t even mean sex. I mean just holding his hand or touching his arm. But, slowly, I have tried, and he is responsive but not smothering or pushing (as I’m sure he can read my hesitancy, but has no idea why I’ve been so distant for years). But, last night, we lay in bed and watched TV for a few hours and I lay in his arms, and it felt nice. It didn’t make me forget about my MM and it didn’t make that tension go away entirely, but it made me feel hope that I can get close to my husband again. I know it will be slow. I know I have to be patient. I know there will still be pain, but I know part of what’s going to help me move on is rebuilding my relationship with my husband. You’re right to focus on yourself, too. I know I need to do that more as well. But I’m making sure to continue exercising to stay healthy and get that endorphins release. I’ve taken more baths, too. Just trying to pamper myself and also give myself quiet time to just think about it all. And I’m trying to force myself to stop thinking about my MM. That’s been the hardest part. My mind still goes to him as a default because there are so many daily reminders. But, slowly, I know that will change. It already is changing. I would like to get to the point of being indifferent about my MM. That would be nice. I figure that’s going to take quite some time, though. The hardest part for me right now is that we still see each other and are attempting a friendship. A very hard honesty that I am dealing with is that I’m not sure we can be friends (right now). And I’m not sure what to do with that yet.

      • Lois

        While reading your posts, I could totally relate to that tension feeling. The feeling like something is missing. The last time my mm ended things in June really knocked me for a loop. He did the day before I left for my family vacation which did impact my trip no matter how hard I tried to not think about him. What a jackass! The no contact really helped me but caved toy desires about mid August. ThIngs had been okay since. Of course, he would have his days of supposed guilt and wouldnt return texts or chats. It has been an emotional roller-coaster. The last time we were together was end of September. I have to initiate everything even communication. I know…how sad right and fell in love with this guy! Ugh. when he goes mia, my stomach gets that tension feeling and it’s a mental drain because I am awaiting for him to tell me it’s over. So for the past several weeks, I kind of had that sickening feeling so I was preparing myself. I went cold turkey for about a week with no chats, etc. He finally apologized for his distance and felt relieved. Then, I had a conference and he was there…thought maybe we could finally be together instead of an office after hours but he said no. He decided things were going to well at home and needed to work on his marriage. So. I do understand why I need to say enough is enough but it’s really hard. I miss the bantering and excitement of being with him…the thrill of the chance. He doesn’t like the no contact but it works better for me. I can’t be his friend right now. I’m too weak. I realized reading your post that I need to do what’s best for me which is to go cold turkey with no contact. Easier said than done because I have struggled all day and want to text him. I can’t do it….just keep telling mysrlf this is what he wanted do screw him. Thanks for listening.

      • Nomad

        Felk, among the stories here, I found yours closest to mine, our struggle and giving mm the benefit of doubts, finding excuses for them and trying to understand the ending is for the best in long run. it’s hard to hate hence I hope to achieve indifference. Except that I kinda envy you had a “good” five years with mm whereas I started to end after 12mths and the remaining 6mths was painful and helpless watching the love fading, contact dwindling to almost none, witnessing a death slowly and naturally. Finally he accepted and adapted. For each day without any sign of him, I think to myself “Thank you for not contacting me and making moving on easier”. I give myself a pat on my shoulder for taking baby steps for let things be.

        However, this morning I was crushed again… last fri he left a missed call when I was on leave and the moment I saw that familiar number, my heart failed me, I couldn’t breathe and tears just welled up. Then i saw a work email sent by him to our project group. He definitely saw my out of office message that i was on leave and would be back on mon. Then something caught my eye at the bottom of his email which felt as though I was being stabbed and left to die if I didn’t try harder to save myself. It was a one liner “Planned leave 1Dec to 1Jan” it hurts…. thoughts were torrential… what would he be doing, how is he spending the entire month? Work is suddenly not overloaded and stressful and that he could afford to be away? Is he going to clear up the other bedroom for his 2 girls so that he can sleep with his wife on the same bed? Easier to reach out to her and make out laying next to each other? (For years he’s been sleeping with one kid one one bed and wife with another kid on the other bed, that’s how he made me believed that they hadn’t sleep with each other for years and he’s ashamed to tell me because I won’t believe. Yes I don’t believe) what grand plans is he coming up to rekindle the sparks with his wife in dec? I just burst into tears when I was overwhelmed by all these wild imaginations. why can’t I do all these with my husband?

        Felk, hsve you ever want to confess to your husband, perhaps it might lessen or release the guilt within us? for the 5years together, did u have to suffer or cope with the jealousy, agony and tension of him sleeping with his wife? Or did u believe him that he didn’t or you weren’t affected whether they slept together or not. For him, I think he self talked to accept that it’s reasonable I slept with the legal one at home hence he would expect me to understand if he slept with wife. But I couldn’t and my marriage turned platonic and my husband thought it dry spell was normal. After im exhausted with all the lies he told me (he’s smart to lie that they didn’t sleep, wife was repulsive, kicked him away etc. to avoid my hysteria and over time learnt to tell me things I want to hear instead of the truth), I’ll shut down my brain and remind myself it’s none of my business, don’t reach out for any updates about him because I’m no longer involved and what he thinks, does and feels will only bring me more pain.

        Hope to hear your sharing Felk. My affair was cut short because I couldn’t manage my jealousy, insecurity, insomnia and the lies.

  • Cherry

    Hello everyone! I have been coming to this forum for awhile now, but have never posted anything. I’ve just read the stories and cringed to how similar they all are to my own story. It is absolutely awful that we all put ourselves through these emotionally draining and painful relationships.

    My story: about a year ago a met a man through a mutual friend. We talked and hit it off! It was an everyday talking type thing from morning until afternoon. In fact, it still is. However, I started to notice that the conversation would die off around the same time everyday in the afternoon, and on weekends we talked hardly at all. I became suspicious and sure enough, he is married! When I found this out we were a few months in. He was great at covering it up whenever I asked questioned. I was so hurt when I found out. But yet, I didn’t leave. And that was my mistake. Here we are almost a year into this love affair and it is tearing me apart. I found out he has 2 kids. One that is baby. In fact not even a year old. This made me feel absolutely awful! But I fell in love with him, and I just don’t know how to let him go! I know I need to because it is becoming too much to bare. He always talks about how miserable he is and that I just don’t understand. How he’s been unhappy for a long time but he just doesn’t have the balls to cause any conflict. Never once has he expressed any guilt to me about the situation. He says that I’m his everything and he would do anything to be with me. And that I’m his first true love and the only one he loves. She doesn’t interest him anymore and he has nothing left for her. All of these things he says, but yet he still won’t leave her. I know the kids play into because they are young. But why?! If you’re so unhappy, in which I truly believe he is! It just doesn’t make sense. And it is starting to really bother me.

    How can get the courage to leave the one person I love so dearly?! When will enough be enough?

    How do you guys do this for so many years with your mm? No way I could handle this any longer than I already have. It’s eating me up!

    • LoveHugsHappiness

      Oh wow had to reply to this in short – i started posting here a year ago when I had to change my life aroubd after alost5a 4 yr affair, where I was also controlled and it started off like yours – attached guy with 2 kids, 1 from ex wife but spent 50/50 with him and long term partner AND yep….baby under a year! we got close at work but I did find out a few months later re gf of 12 years and kids.

      Same lines…. I’m sorry. I had a full on life with him, left MY bf (right thing to do girls – read way too much on here about married women in affairs with husbands….why dont ypu see the problems – you’re unhappy with your current partners and with the WRONG partner, the affair is a great distraction and you’re totally ignoring that fact and just going on about the MM and focusing on them. Leave you marriage and let your poor husbands find women and loves that will not cheat – at the same time leave your MM too to their lives. Then go out there and start afresh. Its what i did and you look back to the utter madness!!!)
      anyway….yep 3 years on he stopped me dating so unless busy with friends life was lonely as dont love where i grew up and moved around, i kept myself busy but the pain is awful. We used to argue and he’d go mad saying he’ll prove to me he’ll leave. We worked directly with each other and mamy lost jobs last year including him – so suddenly didnt see him anymore as he lives 70 miles away, was awful. I was going through work stress too and we were due to start IVF! i theb started to hate him after coming on this website ans reading about narcissists etc. I look back and itbwas so twisted. It took me a good 9 months to feel strong agin but within weeks of NC I started to date, met my wonderful bf and been together a year. Ex attached man still with the gf of now 15 yrs he claimed to be sooool unhappy with and cried 5 yrs ago he couldnt habdle beibg with anymore, i was hia everything. He was leading 2 lives, he’d soend time with my frirnds and family when they visited and they thought he was my weekday flatnate. The goalposts were noved constantly, not with just date leaving but everything – hoe well his business was doing and how and when he could leave, one minute its fine if his gf and younger child moved back to ger county, a year later no way he wants them close…as long as they can afford to rent. 6 months later no cant leave he wants her to afford to buy…..never a good time to leave. the first 18 months i was wobbly after leaving my ex but was patient. But then had had enough as had been 2.5 yrs! he claimed they never had sex etc and of course realise all rubbish! but what hurt me most was the fact he first understood i needed to date….a week later wheb i got chatting to a guy, then on the phone, he went crazy the evebings he stayed in the week. I had to share him, but he wouldn’t share me. He totally controlled me and it was a 1 way thing.
      I could say a million things nut dont think your atory wwould puld be any different.

      We are merely objects in their lives. Just like their wives and gfs are. We all serve a purpose. I came off FB as although wasn’t friends etc hated seeing him pop up. I avoided a leaving do in March as a friend of his started renting room in my flat at the time then lost his job. Things now totally different – we are talking again but only because I’m job hunting and applied whrre he works not and he kept telling my friend to contact him. Yep fishing me back in, hoovering, but i have a new life now and this is business.

      What you have to do is get over the ’emptional bridge’. Everyone here is living on emotional. Not logic or sense. Now I’m in a committed relationship with a lovely non abusive guy for the first time ever (I’m 39) I realise how screwed up many are and how manipulative they can be and are.The attavhed guy emailed in March saying our friend told him that i wasnt going to this leaving do as he was going to ve there and he was sad etc as he wanted to catch up. Catch up i thought?! omfg!!!! I left my ex of 3 yrs Iived with, went through 3 grs of tests with this AM, was faithful to a guy who had a total life and family and kids….went through depression and trauma…then he emails saying he respected i pulled away?! no i expected him to come running!

      What im trying to say is the MM will say you are his everything, and we want to be exceptions, but we’re not, the fact their assholes and do this behind their partners backs show what sort of cold hearted people they are anyway!

      I KNOW my bf, we spend weekends together, i see him Sunday mornings…. my ex AM didnt know me, we stole time together, exciting sex and chemistry – its ALL Fantasy. A few do leave but sooner rather thab later, months not years, i have friends that have been through this. But 3 months not 3 years – and yes with 3 young kids too and no excuse!
      If they are not in a position to leave they should not start affairs. They are cold, selfish and out to please themselves, need the attention and we are wonderful beautiful ego boosts. I know now the ex AN is loving my attention a year on but for me its business, if I dont get the job then i wont speak to him, if i do its great. Im over the emotion and have something he doesn’t – a faithful relationship where it’s just me and my bf. He loes next to his gf every night knowing he spent 4 yrs in bed with me lying to her. Its not a life I wish for. I feel so so sorry for the womam, and this is a woman I used to be jealous of – I wish for her escape now too!

      Those who are married – set your partners free, go and find a partner who fulfils you so you don’t hace to be in an affair and do the right thing for them. Peace & love x

  • Liza

    I am on 16th day of NC. My guy is still with his wife. They dont have kids and I dont understand why he wont leave her if he loves me and doesnt feel ‘ that way’ about her. I think she is prettier than me. He told me last aug that he wont be able to leave her and that he has taken marriage counselling and will work on his marriage. In the last 14 months we hooked up many times and spoke to each everyday many times too- only when he was at work. Around her he wouldnt touch his phone so as not to upset her. He kept telling me he loves me and that if he was in my place he would walk away and not torture himself like I am doing. He has taken many vacations with her in the last 14 months.. I think to make her feel that he is working on the marriage and wont leave her. Over the last 2 months things between him and me got ugly. We used to fight everytime we spoke – I wanted more and he now wanted a platonic friendship. He said he really wanted me in his life and that was the only way we could be in each other’s lives. I couldnt change the way I felt. I love him so deeply, like I’ve never loved anyone before. I thought he was my soul mate. I am 34 and really have not met anyone like him. I really thought he loved me. I didnt want to break up his wife’s marriage but I thought he loved me too. I still do. Maybe I am fooling myself. I am taking professional help and have lost 8 kgs. I cry a lot. Some days for hours.. no man has made me this happy or sad. It wasnt the ideal situation, but i genuinely loved him. I am really struggling to move on. I dont think i will ever feel this way about anyone. I am just so unhappy and trying so hard to do the right thing. They say that if you love someone you have to let him go. I have. He has the right to be with whoever he loves.. but what about me? Did he not love me? I really dont think he lied..

    • Nomad

      Liza, similar situation about the contacts being limited to office hours only. If he has no kids, I would’ve met up without his wife and told her about her cheating husband. Why would I do that because he (my mm too) wanted the best of both worlds, from wanting to continue in a milder manner to what he last said to me “I wouldn’t mind if we can be best friend”. I’m to be blamed for my miseries. My mm made it clear that he’ll not divorce and we must keep it a secret and bring it to our grave. He gets cold sweat when he thinks about getting caught.

      I’m mentally drained and started to hate him… but hating a person is a waste of time. I want to feel indifferent towards him then I’ll experience inner peace. So how to execute my decision? I don’t know…

  • Screwloose

    After 2 months of NC he called and texted me. Told me he filed for divorce and wasn’t going to ignore me and wasn’t playing games with me. Of course talked about himself, how he wants to move to Arizona. Never once said he was sorry for how he treated me never once said he missed me or still loved me just said we handle things differently and it’s hard for him too. Guess what the next day ignored me again. So now I’m back to square 1 and heart broken again. I wish I knew why they did this. What do they gain by pulling you back in and slamming the door again. And why did I let him. I really want to stop thinking about him and crying he obviously has moved on why can’t I ,

    • Hope

      Sorry Screwloose it’s a painful situation to be in. ‘Filed for divorce’ is a strong statement, do you believe him? If this was just a lie to suck you back into the relationship then he can’t be trusted at all. He is treating you badly and you have to put up with his whining. May be just accept the pain, accept that there will be hurt for sometime but it’s all for the greater good. He is way worse than many mm mentioned here. Take good care of yourself X

      • Screwloose

        Thank you Hope. You have no idea how horrible he was hence why I went with the name screwloose. Last year on his birthday i bought him gifts lunch and dinner on mine he showed up , got drunk wrote me the most horrible text. And yet each time I took him back. He is a classic narcissist. I’m a smart girl I see the classic signs of abuse the honeymoon phase ext. Do I believe he is getting divorced? Maybe… more importantly I need to figure out why I put up with him and how to change it. And that is hard . Talking and reading on here helps. I actually feel bad for his wife . He has done this to me for 2 year I’m sure he has done the same to her for much longer. I did finally block him on everything. I’m sure I will go through my ups and downs with the pain maybe it’s more the rejection or shame I feel .

        • Hope

          Sorry he treated you that way Screwloose. You are absolutely right in thinking even if he is getting divorced you don’t need his crap in your life. I can’t even imagine how hard it is for you to try and get out of this. It’s OK to struggle and experience ups and downs. You CAN DO THIS!! Take care of yourself

    • VickiP

      Oh Screwloose – i am in the same position! I cant believe when i read these posts that other people could possibly be going through the same thing I am and yet here you are. I got the all – filing for divorce. We are moving forward. it will all work out. And then nothing. I dont know which way is up sometimes. After all that he has done I still want it to work. I question my sanity sometimes. And yes, I have been in therapy for those that are questioning whether thats a good idea. It helps if you let it. For me, each time he reaches out, even if its what he thinks is good news, it opens up the wound again. And Im left waiting with him in control once again. Its never ending

      • Marie (aka screwloose)

        Vicki I’m sorry I don’t wish this pain and confusion on anyone. As I was reading your post I was justifying why to unblock him in my head . Telling myself he has pushed me away because going through a divorce must be hard . Making excuses for him in my mind. Just like you I would go back to him in a minute. The beginning was so good. The end not so much. I’m not going to unblock him though because truth is he pushed me away before he filed for divorce. I sometimes question if there is someone else even though he says there isn’t . Even after everything I still love him with my whole heart and cry daily when I think about how it initially was and that I know that it will never be the same again. The trust and faith is gone. That is actually funny .. trust a married man.. it’s been 5 months since I have saw him yes it’s gotten easier I’m just waiting on the day to totally forget him. Although he has told me one day he is just gonna show up… my last words were I’m not a puppet for him to play with when it suits him. How are you making it through?

        • VickiP

          Thank you for your words. I’m not making it through. I’m still in denial. I keep thinking that someday I’m going to wake up and this is all gonna be a really bad dream. LOL but after seven years it’s not. I’m still in the thick of it as much as I keep telling myself I’m not. He supposedly filed for divorce. The twisted all of this is I see her every week. We’re in the same circle. Don’t ask it’s such a long complicated story someday I will tell it all. She acts as if nothings wrong he tells me he filed for divorce. I don’t really know which way to turn. All I know is that I make myself strong, I’m so strong in my daily life, I’m a single mom. I do it all! And yet when it comes to him I am so weak and I am so not strong I don’t know any other way to put it. I really just pray that someday I’ll find the strength to just close the door and just not pick up when he calls

          • Needhelp

            VickiP I know exactly what you mean. I am also a single parent of three small boys. I work full time, look after my kids, do everything around the house. I hold it all together. I know I am strong!!. But when it comes to mm I feel I have been pathetically weak in the past. Part of it is definitely an addiction. It has been ‘over with him as far as I am concerned since August now despite him sending me loads of text messages. I have really tried to stop responding . I’ve blocked him on WhatsApp and stopped re-reading his messages hundreds of times. I’m trying to keep myself busy.with other things as I know I need to break this addiction and basically train my brain not to think about him all the time as a default.
            I have noticed a difference – almost like an acceptance that it’s over. It still hurts but I know it’s just not meant to be with me and him. He will never leave. I don’t like it but I accept it. I really want to move on and put this behind me. I think you honestly need to want to move on for it to happen. Up to now I haven’t – all I’ve thought about is how much I want him and it’s prevented me from moving on. For the first time in 5 years I feel there may be a light at the end of the tunnel. Because I WANT to get over it. It still hurts and it will take a long time but I do think I have a chance of achieving it and that feels good.

          • Vickip

            Thank you once again for your words. Yes I need to want to move on. I think I do and then the promises come and I’m in again. Today is thanksgiving. He told me he filed for divorce. So why then is he spending it with his daughter? And ultimately with her. There is no reason. So I yelled and told him it was unexceptable yesterday. He’s doing it any way. My feelings don’t matter. I was mad. Hurt but more mad. I was strong and resolved. And today I m just hurt. Can’t believe I still buy his lies. Ultimately it comes down to he is in the man I thought or hoped he was. That man would not continue to hurt me. I need to find the strength to walk away. I’m so glad it Sounds like you have

          • Needhelp

            Hi Vicki,
            My mm did something similar – last July he told me he was going to sort the situation out with his wife because he couldn’t bear the thought of losing me. Within the following three weeks he had gone on holiday with his family. He said it was to celebrate his daughters birthday and what kind of a father would he be if he didn’t. I wouldn’t have had a problem if a) he had told me and b) he had gone on the understanding with his wife that they were no longer together. But instead he continues playing happy families and doesn’t seem to understand why this hurts me so much. I know if I continue waiting for him to sort his life out I will waste mine in the process. I’m fed up and frustrated that I seem to desperately chase after something that makes me so miserable.
            My biggest fear is that I will look back in years to come and feel I didn’t make the most of the time with my kids when they were young because I was forever thinking and obsessing about him instead. Whatever i am doing he is always somewhere in my mind and I hate it Kids grow up so quick – I really need to stop this and focus on them 100%.
            I am really trying but it still hurts!

          • Vickip

            thank you so much for your words. I hate gent another holiday has been ruined by them. I read everyone’s story and they mirror my own in so many ways. I don’t get calls asking me back. I wind up reaching out. That seems to be the biggest difference. I can’t seem to get over the fact that someone could like to me so convincingly. And I believed it! Over and over again. I’m falling apart again over this holiday. And I dread knowing Christmas is around the corner. I should be happy and enjoying my kid and yet here I am again.

          • Needhelp

            Hi Vicki,
            To be honest the calls wanting me back are a curse – they just mess with my head. He doesn’t do it because he wants to be with me – he just wants things back the way they were. With me trapped in a miserable existence. I know it sounds crazy but if he stopped I would be gutted as I would know that was the end. But at the same time it drives me crazy because it makes it harder to move on and it makes me mad that he chases me just to get things back to how they were. I sometimes wonder what goes on in my own head!

  • Lois

    It’s been awhile since I have posted and but nothing really has changed…the same old emotional roller-coaster. My mm has ended things so many times out of guilt, supposed health issues, and do not forget that he is going to church it is morally eating him up inside, etc…that it’s hard to take it serious when he says it’s over. Unlike most of you, the mm in my life will not share his feelings only that he cares deeply for me. In April, we ended things because of guilt and health issues. He claims the guilt is because of kids. He would not tell me about the health issues only that it would be noticeable and would not be able to hide his illness…guess what! No noticeable change except he is gained some weight but he eats junk food. I am beginning to think he is somewhat of narcissist and manipulates people to his advantage. More and more his lies are catching up to him and others have noticed…yes we work together which makes it hard to move on. A couple weeks ago, he told me things at home were going well…better than they have been for a long, so he thought it was best to not be together plus his church wants him to get more involved. I was heartbroken but not like in the past…maybe because I know it’s only a matter of time. The last time he ended things was in June and it lasted until mid-August. Of course, I somewhat chased after him but nothing like in the past. When he ended things a few weeks ago, I found myself out of town at conference and ended up getting trashed. Later that night, I prayed to God for him to take away the desire and to heal my hurt. I am married and have been for about 28 years, so I have someone to go home to who may be a jerk but he would never cheat on me. I think, the years of resent me got the best of me with this mm and seeing how the affair helped my friends marriage, I thought it was possible for me too…if that makes any sense. Anyway, I did finally tell the mm a few days ago that my feelings were much deeper than I thought for him because his happiness is more important than my own. So, if ending things would make him happy and he can repair his marriage for his children, I would step back. I asked if he was 100% certain and he said yes his mind was made up to repair his marriage. Of course, I would never let him know how badly I was hurting only stated that it really sucks. Later that evening, I was struggling and texted him…he immediately replied which seldom happened unless he was in the mood to have sex. Most of the time, he would ignore my texts; however, I did not text him very much. Anyway, I caved and told him that I would step back and wait for him to see if he could repair his marriage. Now, ladies think about that…how low did I stoop on this one and for what 20 minutes of intimacy together in an office after hours. He agreed to the proposition. Does this sound a like a man who is 100% certain to fix his marriage? Why does he play games? The more I think about things the angrier I become. I did ask him how he truly felt about our situation and he answered that if he told me it would only make things harder for us to let things go…what in the heck does that mean? I really think he has issues. He did my friend the same way except supposedly he did tell her that he loved her. I am so stupid. Why cannot I see him for who he truly is and let him go?

    • Hope

      This man sounds awful Lois. You are right, he sounds like a narcissist. I can’t believe what he did to you. What an a##hole!! This isn’t your fault Lois and NO you didn’t stoop low, you are in love and are simply listening to your heart. I would suggest to try not to succumb to the temptation of contacting him. Lois we are all in charge of our own happiness. Let’s not give that much power to anyone in our life. You are very strong Lois to be able to endure all this and you CAN break free. This man sounds like a moron. Please don’t blame yourself, this isn’t your fault, he is manipulating you. Hey if I met this man I would surely tell him off for doing what he did to you!!!!! It’s so UNFAIR. Let this freak work on his marriage. You don’t need that crap in your life. Please try and focus on other things in life, try to find happiness within you (I know it’s hard but let’s try please) don’t give him attention, see how that makes him go crazy! Even if he doesn’t show it I am telling you it will bug him. He sounds like a nasty, manipulative man who doesn’t deserve you. Take care of yourself

      • Lois

        Thanks Hope! It’s been really tough. Unfortunately, I did reach out to him again and we chattend through text…somewhat flirted. Then, he went silent agent. This tone I haven’t reached out to him since. I composed an email to him but never sent it. I just want him out of my heart. If I told the whole story about this guy, I think you would be shocked. Today is a real struggle and could use lots of prayer. I have to free myself from this tangled web.

      • Lois

        Thanks Hope. I’m really struggling today. I know my silence kills him and it’s what I need to do. Just pray that I have the strength. I sincerely appreciate your kind words and grateful there are people like you to help me through this because I can’t tell anyone.

        • Hope

          Hi Lois,
          How are you doing? It’s OK to break and reach out (we have all done that at some point) So long as you remember that you/we need to break free or else the same cycle will be repeated. I’ll pray for all of you. Take care of yourself. You CAN do this!

  • cjay

    New here. I’ve been divorced for 15 years. Still single. Ended a 12+ year relationship w a MM 2 years ago. He lives in another state, but traveled with his job. We talked everyday, saw each other at least twice a month. He helped me financially. His wife found out and things just got too complicated. No contact now because he only wants to talk about us. He’s still with wife & I finally realized there is no “us”. I ended the relationship. It hurt. I miss my best friend.
    Fast forward, I’m one year + into another relationship with another MM. We were involved 25 years ago (while I was married), for about 2 years. My family knows about his status. He’s not leaving his wife. I’ve met his adult children & he’s met mine. He too lives in another state, about 2 hours away. He stays over at least once a week. We go out as a couple. I know (in my gut) he’s seeing other women.
    I’m not sure why I continue this cycle of non-commitment, non monogamous relationships. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. This is just as easy as it is difficult.

    • Hope

      Hi Cjay,
      I typed a reply to you yesterday but I think there is something wrong with my phone so trying again. I am sorry for the pain you are in, everyone on this forum has experienced/is experiencing similar pain and suffering. 12 years with mm must have taken a toll on you. Somethimes it’s just life. It certainly is NOT YOU as you are a victim too. I am still trying to heal and move on. What I found useful was some soul searching. What in me was missing to make me fall into this relationship? I have already listed my reasons in another reply. In 3 years with mm (I refuse to say ‘my’ as he is NOT mine) I realised I had made him my world. Because of this my other relationships suffered. Now I have slowly started rebuilding those relationships, I am calling my mom everyday, talking to my parents more often, making an effort to meet my friends, focusing on my little one and thinking of taking a new course via work. The thing is I had become SO OBSESSED with mm and gave him so much time without realising my relationships with friends and family were suffering. So I would suggest to catch up again with family/friends. Focus on any other thing that makes you happy. It will be hard Cjay but once you start to move on you will be able to enjoy life more. You are a strong winnable Cjay to have endured so much in past 13+ years, you CAN do this!

      • cjay

        Stories are always longer than one post. I feel stronger knowing that others struggle with the same rollercoaster, perhaps in different & not so amusing places in life. I am in awe of the support that strangers are giving one another. I was not happily married, as can be assumed with the prior affair. I felt like I was loosing myself. Spouse was rarely present, we slept in separate rooms, he never said that he loved me. I was very lonely. I left twice. The first time was when I was seeing MM#1. I was very young and thought he loved me, believed we would be “together”. Like many others on this post, he broke my heart. Truthfully, I allowed it to happen. MM wanted to stay with his family and keep me on the side. I broke it off, completely, no contact, at all. Spouse & I went to counseling and I stayed in the marriage, faithful but unhappy, for another 10 years. Leaving spouse 2nd time was one of my best decisions. I finally graduated from business college, got a better job & bought my first house. MM#2 worked at the same company. I didn’t want the financial complications or rejection I felt when married, so I think MM#2 felt “safe”. I always told him NOT to leave his wife. I lied to my family & friends about his marital status. Holidays were a b*tch. I know how much he lied to her, and I felt bad for taking something (time, sex, attention) from her. I started pulling away about 2 years before she found out about the affair. MM#2 still calls, I don’t answer. Volume has decreased from daily to now monthly. I’m not trying to be mean. I think he needs to work on his marriage, and telling me more BS is only hurting all 3 of us.
        I contacted MM#1. He tried to find me, reaching out several times over the past 25 years. I’m not easy to find. Not on social media, keep personal contact information private. I finally caved and we’re a year into this (again). This time my family & friends know that he’s married. It does’t make me feel better that my parents, siblings and children know. I’m a very private person. The thought of dating is scary. Maybe I don’t feel like I deserve more, because I can’t give more. Perhaps, I don’t want to give up any more of my heart and soul. I’m searching for answers as I type in this post. In addition to a business degree, I also have a minor in psychology. I graduated summa cum laude. I’m intelligent, physically attractive, healthy and underneath insecure. Thanks to all that pour out your hearts, pain and advice here.

        • Hope

          I understand your story much more now Cjay. It’s been a rough road for you but please understand YOU DO deserve more. You are so talented, clever and beautiful woman (buisiness degree wow!). I truly understand the feeling of mm being ‘safer option’ but they ARE SO NOT!. Putting yourself out there can be scary but so many women here have proved that it can be done Cjay, just imagine how beautiful life would be when you meet someone who won’t make you compromise this way? Someone who will happily spend his time with you and won’t keep you a secret, holidays won’t be hard but instead will be something to look forward to. There is always hope. Take care

  • Hope

    Hi all,
    How is everyone doing? I haven’t heard from this forum in few days and I miss hearing from you all!. After almost 5 weeks of NC I became weak, relapsed and made contact. Causal hi hello (he said he loves and misses me but I didn’t say it) but after that I felt SICK for making contact again (this has NEVER happened before!). Previously I would be relieved that we were talking again but not this time. Something in me has changed I feel. I have recognised there were some issues within me (low self esteem, depression, lack of attention, etc.) that made me fall into this situation. Been in NC again for few days and have to say I feel better again. Feel happy that I am not disrespecting myself anymore. No more compromise, listening to ‘we’ in his sentences and feeling bad that he means him and his wife and NOT me and him, trying to please him all the time, etc. I feel happy and am trying to enjoy little things in life. STAY STRONG everyone.

    • I thought I was different

      Hope,
      I needed this today. I am trying to end a relationship of 3 years with my mm. The reference you make to “we” that you knew it was never you and him as much as it is him and his wife. This hit home today! I need to walk away. His father passed this past week and horrible I can’t be there for him but sure bet she was. He tells me she was for her but not for him. How did I become so messed up in the head that during this horrible time, I think of them together?? I’m not that kind of a person but this is what I have made myself! How? How do you walk away?

      • Hope

        IthoughtIwasdifferent I understand how you feel, I really do. How did we become so messed up and addicted to a man who causes a havoc in our life?? We can’t change the past, let’s just accept we made a mistake which is causing us so much pain, let’s do ourselves a favour and try to heal. I understand you want to be there for him but please understand it’s his choice to NOT let you be there. No need to be jealous of them, if their relationship was so great this would have NEVER happened. Let them live their lives and deal wit their issues. Let’s think of OURSELVES for once. Their ‘WE’ never involved us dear, it was always himself and his wife. With mm it was always ‘we bought the house .. years ago; we went to our sons place; we had friends over; these things don’t happen in our family’ it was all about his wife and I was just some cheap sex stop. I have allowed this man to treat me like this for 3 years, NO MORE please. We have taken the first step towards healing by being on this forum. Let’s get out of this poisonous cycle before it’s too late. Others on this forum have proved that it can be done, let’s give it a try X

    • Felk

      Seems it’s a good sign, Hope, that you didn’t feel good after contact this time. The good/relieved feeling after contact is what draws us back in. It really is like a drug. Talking to them makes the bad go away, even for just a little, and so we want more of it. Thus, it’s really good that you didn’t feel that this time. 5 weeks of NC is really impressive, and clearly you’ve healed a lot in those 5 weeks if you felt sick after and you feel good after a few days of NC again. There’s a reason every website and piece of advice on ending a relationship tells you NC is the way to go. Even if you think you’ll want to contact that person again, at least give yourself some period of NC (like 2 months) before you consider getting in contact again.
      I do not practice what I preach, though. If you’ve read my posts on here, I work with my ex and we not only see each other almost every day at work but we have extended talking sessions about once/week (either at work or we go for a drink). We started out as friends for a few years before the affair started, and we’re trying to be “just friends.” It is VERY hard. Some days I feel strong and some days I miss him so very much. Some days I feel understanding for why we ended (come on, we’re both married, I know how hard it is to maintain two relationships… and he has kids), and some days I can’t understand at all how I will stop missing his love. Recently, when we were out, he made it clear that he missed me and thought about me every day. That was so nice and so awful to hear. It felt so very good to know he still feels that way, but it just reminded me of how painful it is that we’re not together. It’s been almost two months since he ended our relationship, and I definitely feel better, slowly. I know the fact that we’re still in contact (and friendly contact) is making it harder for me to heal. I hope to get to a point where I can appreciate the love we have while recognizing (and accepting) it cannot be more than that. Right now, I still want more and that is not good. It makes me sad many days.
      As for my husband, I’m slowly trying to rebuild there, but, after a five-year affair (that my husband did not know about), it is hard to feel that closeness with him again. He is lovely and open and wants closeness, but as you can read above, I’m not over my other guy yet, so it’s hard to give to my husband. But, I will keep trying. I want to be close to him again, so here’s hoping it works. And I know I have to try harder or I’m leaving myself open to much more hurt from my ex.

      • Hope

        Thank you Flek, that means a lot to me. It is so much harder for you as you work together and see each other almost everyday, that’s TOUGH when are trying to heal. Please be proud of yourself for making an effort to heal and for making an effort of being close to your hubby. I hear you girl, it’s HARD to do so after the affair, I am in the same boat. It will WORK Hun you know why? Because your hubby made an effort to make you his priority which mm will never do! As much as we wish they did we all know deep down that it will never happen in most cases. Just have faith. Whatever problems we have in our marriages this relationship has more chances of succeeding than the one with mm. I know I sound selfish but we have to start thinking rationally just like mm. They were never OURS. On some point most probably they used us. You are beautiful and caring woman Flek (the fact that you are helping people you don’t even know says a lot about how awesome you are!). None of us are bad people here, we just got stuck in an awfully painful situation. A sentence I read on his forum helps me a lot ‘HE IS NOT MY SOULMATE, IF HE WAS HE WOULD MOVE MOUNTAINS TO BE WITH ME’. He would NOT make me feel like a dirty little secret if he truly loved me as much as he says he does. This is pain is NOT worth it, we all deserve better. Flek, on days you feel weak/miss him please write your feelings here or we can email. Stay strong all you lovely ladies, we are worth so much more than we give ourselves credit for. Big hugs X

      • Nomad

        I’ve answers to why I’m addicted.
        I’m lonely, bored and deprived of attention and affection.
        Why is it so difficult to quit the addiction, simply because I refuse.
        I refuse to try to work on my marriage because I love but stopped falling in love with my spouse of 20yrs. I chose to be negative towards making effort to save my marriage.
        I refuse to execute my decision to let go and move. I chose to be weak and continue to cling on to the fond memories in which he made me feel alive. I chose to turn blind to the misery of anxiety, heartache, insecurity, endless waiting, feeling used at his convenience, jealousy and obsession.
        I refuse to be honest with myself.
        I refuse to quit and will succumb in taking his call if he ever call, checking on his last seen and calendar which do me zero good. All these stalking will always trigger my anxiety, nerve wrecking and curiosity mode.
        I refuse to accept the current situation. I am still waiting and hoping (though I keep preaching what right I should do) and chose fantasy at the expense of myself, my self respect and sanity.
        I refused to make effort to love myself. I tried to pamper myself by doing all the cliche activities like yoga, walk with nature, shopping, massage, drama marathon and even tried one session with therapy BUT I refuse to immerse and register that they helped (or not). I refuse to fill the void that he left behind. I refuse to heal sincerely.
        I refuse to believe that he is now rational and has forsaken me. I still think that he’s real and deep.

        I still feel the pain and cry whenever I think about how could he forsake me and my foolishness. He’s still the first and last one I think about each day. I still fantasize about him. I’m allowing myself to waste my life over him. I still can’t believe he’s gone and he’s able to move on.

        I can dwell all I want but I’m left with no other choice but nc. Felt that I let myself down in that he gave me no choice but not because i want to quit as a decision to love and respect myself. Unless he comes back and tells me he loves me,that itself is a miracle or wishful thinking. Haven’t seen him since 1 Nov…Have I made progress at all? I managed to sleep a good 4-5hrs on some nights. He’s still being blocked and stops making attempts to contact me. This time should be it and let this be a secret forever…

        • Nomad

          Healing is a choice. Time don’t always heal, acceptance does. We healed because we want to and we saved ourselves. I admit my mind and heart are still incoherent that’s why I’ve yet to heal… and I’ve been adopting consumer self care (spa, hair care, manicure, fine dining, shopping and splurging) which left me a bigger emotional void asking myself why am I spending mindlessly and fooling myself that I’ll feel uplifted and confident. It’s wrong so what then is self care that help us heal, let go and move on. I’m still hoping and waiting for him to realize I’m his loss and we could work out something to live a secret life together. Self destruction and I won’t heal because I’m confused about acceptance. It’s my choice to hope and wait, I don’t know when will I hit rock bottom, only when I did, will I be forced to pick up the broken pieces. Isn’t this rock bottom already where from daily communication, always find time to connect by meeting, calling and texting, and now reduced to one call in nov so far. If you chose to go, please don’t come back…

          • Felk

            Nomad, have you considered talking to a therapist? I know, in the first month after the break-up, the pain was so bad that I considered it. I know that I was wondering how I could handle this on my own. One of the hard things about this situation is often our friends don’t have the same sympathy given that we were having an affair. In my situation, the main problem is that I didn’t tell many people about the affair because I was married, too. So, I have very few people to talk to about it. Thankfully, I have one friend who knows everything and she has offered some advice, but she is not a really close friend and I haven’t had as much support as I would have liked through this break-up. Just hearing what you’re saying, I think you might benefit from getting some professional help (if you have that access). If you don’t want to or can’t do that, I found an app called Mend that has been helpful. I am not affiliated with this app and am not trying to sell anyone anything, but I think it’s helped me. It’s an app for your smartphone that does daily check-ins, gives you daily tips/boosts, has articles about all sorts of break-up issues, has a short audio clip each day that gives you advice for moving on, and has space to journal about specific questions they ask you to consider. It’s free for the first week and then $10/month after. For me, the support provided is easily worth $10. It is not a ton of support, but I have found it helpful in my situation. And I plan to continue my subscription for another month. I feel a lot better about it all, but I know that I am not healed yet. I know it will still take time, and, as you say, acceptance. It’s a slow process. That’s one of the hardest things for me to accept. Each morning I wake up, I want to be over it all, but I know that’s not how it works. Today, though, it feels better. Weekends are often like that for me because of not having to see him at work, and that just reinforces for me how important it is to keep my contact with him as low as possible. I’m not saying I always heed my own advice, but it’s pretty clear to me that no contact is the best way to heal.

          • Nomad

            Felk, I never believe that counseling would work. However, I am so desperate that I attended 1st session last week and doubt I’ll go back again. I was asked to write a letter to myself and to mm to open up my feelings and seek closure. I told her sorry it won’t work. I filled her details of my situation when th mm. She asked me to tell her in the next session what do I want to achieve from the session, my decision and how can she help. Huh? I thought why and what are obvious? I’m there to seek help but she asked me back how can she help??? My takeaway is that only I can save myself and it’s because I want to ; she’s going to just listen to my obsessive ranting and offer cliche advice like love and respect yourself, keep myself occupied, pick up new hobby, spend time with family,exercise, meditate etc. I didn’t pay just to be heard. That’s my 1st session. I need to find the missing piece within me and connect with myself blah blah and all these time are theory and not helping because I couldn’t appreciate.

            I told her I’m sick of writing and I’ve been journaling since we started 18mths ago. Wrote abt why I’m addicted, why I should end, what can I leverage on to quit the vicious cycle, how to execute my decision, tracked my mood and recorded nc and progress on daily basis etc. at times I gave up because i get tired abt repeating myself and angry that I wasted so much time on him even after he’s gone.

            It’s really hard to see him or hear him. I always cave in. Since I last met him on 1Nov, he has been working from another location hence it helped with the nc. Come dec, he would be clearing his annual leave the entire month and I would be totally out of sight out of mind. Because of that, I too, took2wks leave because I didn’t want to spend dec in the office hoping and waiting for him to call or appear at my desk. If he didn’t, I couldn’t function at work, I would be tempted to unblock him, stalk his calendar and last seen, but all these just cause me more pain, anxiety and disappointment. I’m panicking because I’ve dwelled too long and made no progress. Some days I fear that I’ll become indifferent towards him and stop thinking of him… I’m that screwed up…somedays I would choose to think that he’s exercising self control not to contact me with the intention or rationale just like Spark who explained he was equally hurt but he has to force it. Some days I would think that he is loving everyday of nc because he has never love me, just used me and because he’s now a 100% doting father and loving spouse after getting rid of guilt and no more fear! Some days I would think that he found another woman who is easier and accommodating to cheat with. So what if he is or he’s not???im losing patience with myself.

          • Nomad

            To add: I find myself locked in a race against time and him. Losing patience and panicking because I’ve wasted so much time and still dwelling and helpless about watchin the time ticking away; because he made better progress in healing and restoring his life back to normal (before me), he’s quick to resume his daily life, focusing on work and family, making them happy, he’s making time to pick up new hobby and money making skills, run his marathon, pursue his dream, plan for family activity to create more happy memories with them. That’s why I panicked about “losing” or being left behind and stuck, in this race of moving on, I always had a head start but he caught up, surpassed me and living even better than before because he has learnt.
            It hurts… it’s been 2hrs since I saw his missed call and leave plan in Dec… I couldn’t function at work again

      • Nomad

        I haven’t seen mm since 1Nov and he rang on 13Nov sounded platonic and no more Baby or miss me. Then mia for another week. I’m confident that we will not see each other in nov and Dec as long as I block him and he stays rational enough to forsake me. Nc is finally looking promising this time.

        Felk, you mentioned “there’s a reason every website and piece of advice on ending a relationship tells you NC is the way to go. Even if you think you’ll want to contact that person again, at least give yourself some period of NC (like 2 months) before you consider getting in contact again.” I think after 2 mths, I should be over him, accepted and adapted, i wouldn’t want to consider and dumped all my efforts into the drain. I’m looking forward to quit this addiction and move on at least for myself before repairing my marriage.

        I do not practice what I preach or decide too!! I am very sure I’ll not befriend him. He’ll be a stranger whom I feel indifferent. Yes it’s VERY hard but I’ve no choice.

        I feel you and all you said about “some days”. I too experienced the same. Least you still get to know that he missed you and thought about you every day whereas with each passing day of nc, I think I’ve faded to near zero existence and not even the lust is lingering.

        I am avoiding my husband and it’s really hard to rekindle the passion and desire, no way no matter what i try or hint. I won’t say I’ll keep trying because I am incapable of executing my decision as far as this mess is concerned.

    • cjay

      Does anyone else think perhaps the person we are cheating is ourself? We hurt, we wait, we want more, we love unconditionally, we deserve to give ourselves more. I recognize myself in almost every post. You ladies are like virtual sisters. No matter how old, how long you’ve been in this situation, or where you live, we all have a common bond- the MM. Not mine, not yours, he is hers, theirs – always. As I start to decorate for the holidays, I am feeling melancholy. I tell myself that I am strong. Perhaps if I make it my mantra, I will be one day. Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on events that have brought us to this moment. What is important to us, what we’re thankful for in life and perhaps to celebrate who we are today. I wish you all strength, peace and courage this holiday season.

  • Lisa

    It doesnt feel like the mm does much suffering or real hurting the way we as the ow do. He is the one that is able to step into and back out of both lives at his conveinence. Whether it be w us or some ow hed be doing it with. Only because we allow it though.
    By the same token i want to explore my thoughts of his logic. As i try to figure out my own, i wonder what he thinks besides the supposed guilty feeling that he supposedly feels … i just wish i could hear it from the horses mouth.

  • J

    I am literally torturing myself about my mm and his wife. He’s always told me how he loves her as a friend but is not attracted to her at all. For reasons such as her weight, her lack of motivation in life, her wanting to just sit around the house, her not being very intelligent and lack of conversation, her disregard for her health, etc. he’s also told me they haven’t been intimate in years even though their son moved out of the house since he’s in his 20s. He’s told me how she tries to kiss him and he doesn’t like it at all and tries to stop it ASAP. Recently she’s been trying to make herself more attractive. She’s getting her hair done and dying it, something she’s never done. I told him I feel very bad did her that she’s trying so hard if you will never feel that for her. He told me that he does think she will look more attractive if the gray is gone, but he’s not sure if that’s enough to be attracted to her physically. I find this very upsetting. Shouldn’t he know immediately how he’d feel. He’s told me many times that he’s so attracted to me because of my beauty but it’s so much more, including our connection and my traits overall. I’m confused by him saying he’s not sure how he will feel about her new look. Any insights? From the men? Could her dying her hair actually make him attracted to her again? Even though she’s still the same person he hasn’t been attracted to? Please help this is torturung me!

    • Lara

      J it is not about the hair. It just seems that way. The grey hair can be changed in 30 mins but the relationship issues are much deeper. He should of course know whether he would be attracted to her if she changed her hair, because she is still his wife and he still lives with her. At one time he loved this woman enough to marry her. And her the same for him. Now she is cheating on her and with that comes a lot of guilt. Never underestimate the power of those marital bonds. Sometimes couple can reconnect with each other, even after all kinds of down times. Look around on the internet and you will see hundreds of sites for married people who want to move beyond an affair and get their marriages back on track. Since she seems to be trying to re-attract him she is not willing to let go of him without a fight. As “the other woman” we simply can never know what will happen between because we are not there in the room with them! This is why affairs are such torture for women and for men both. Our well being is in the hands of someone who is already committed to the well-being of someone else. It sucks, I know. Oh how I know. Take care of YOU, J! No one else will. L.

  • Mad’lyn

    I have felt so alone on this emotional roller coaster for two years. And now I am finding there are so many women walking the same secret path! Two years!! More than two years! I lie to myself, my parents and my children. I lie to my friends. This man has been my best friend, my caretaker, my financial support, my boss, my everything. Quite literally everything. Im so dependent on him, and I am terrified of life without bim.

    I am also terrified of life with him.

    I stopped trusting him a long time ago. His wife found out he has been cheating on him (but I am not the one she knows about… he says he made someone else up, but honestly, I have had clues and instincts that suggest he has not been truthful). His world is upside down. They have no kids. But he has a plethora of excuses why he cannot leave his wife; including he wants to wait until my kids are no longer living at home. So, here he is, rebuilding his relationship. Going on vacation with his angry wife. Spending more time with her. How, may i ask, does someone invest so much energy to save their marriage if they intend to leave their wife in the future when my kids grow up? Is it hust me, or is that completely ridiculous?

    God forbid I express my feelings of guilt, shame and lack of trust. When I do that, he labels me “psychotic”, and i have anxiety issues. He tells me I create stress in his life that he does not need. He makes me feel like I am a bad person for having any feelings of doubt, shame, regret etc. because it adds to his stress. And, what he stresses about outside of our “relationship” is “none of my business!!!” So in summary, I am supposed to shut my mouth and just “enjoy it.”

    He has done a lot of things for me. Too many to list. But I am not allowed to do anything for him. All he asks is that I do not question our relationship, do not talk about feelings and do not stress him out. Am I crazy to feel like I am missing something?! Yes, he does a lot for me (and reminds me all the time), but I am not emotionally satisfied. Is that wrong? Does that make me psychotic? I have enough knowledge with a B.S. in Psychology to know that I am not psychotic, but he does a great job of making me think I am a horrible person for needing some reassurance that I am not a terrible home wrecking person.

    Oh wait, he cannot give me that assurance because that is exactly the person I am! When my feelings of insecurity came up because I was looking for some reassurance, I was yelled at. Screamed at over the phone. And then he told me he was done with me. He said he gets nothing from the relationship. He does everything for me, and sacrifices everything for me, and I give him nothing. He said now I will never know what our future could have been like. He did an amazing job of making me feel like I did something wrong by having negative feelings. But I know it is his way of hurting me and making himself feel like he is in control. So I guess that is it… he dumped me. He turned everything on to me and told me to look in the mirror and realize that I caused this to be over. And of course he added that he will make my life miserable. This scares me. Bad enough I have to deal with the heartbreak, but what did I do to deserve him going out of his way to make my life miserable (other than stressing him out causing him to lose his source of sexual gratification and a woman he could control)? I am not sure where to go from here. But I guess I am not alone. Is anyone else in a relationship with a married man that is mean and hurtful?

    • Lara

      Mad’lyn this man sounds like a real nightmare in my humble opinion. He has threatened you with “making your life miserable” and humiliated you by telling you “you will never know what your future will look like.” ugh….Please get as far away from him as possible! I am not sure how he is both your financial support and your boss but this situation sounds very very sticky and I would urge you to not only stay around here and READ READ about the patterns of many of the married men we women can encounter in affairs, but also seek a strong and supportive outside support system (friends , family, therapist) to help you deal with all of this. It is okay for us to ask for help and okay for us to admit we have made relationship mistakes. We are all only human and we do mess up sometimes. But for your own good please disentangle yourself form this man as he is very controlling and not looking out for you but only himself! My hugs to you! L.

  • Nomad

    Day 6 of NC and I’ll accept he’s gone for good and for my wellbeing. I’ll understand that he’s feeling the pain and hurt but it’s more important to act rationally and righteously to end us. I’ll internalize what Felk & Spark’s perspective.

    I can only get better. I’ve only myself to help me to heal.
    Fake it Force it until one day I can wake up without him as my first thought.

        • Hope

          You will feel better Nomad. You will get through this pain and emerge stronger for you deserve so much better and so much more happiness. I read your story in the previous post too, I am so sorry for the pain you have been for so long. I agree with the NC advice here, agree with it being an addiction, either we are using or we are NOT!. This is my fourth week of NC and I am slowly staring to feel better. Most men in these situations that we put on a high pedestals are really NOT our soulmates because if they were they would have moved mountains to be with us (I have made an effort to remind myself of this, it helps me hope it helps others too). I am married too. 3 years of affair has taken a toll on my marriage, me and hubby have drifted apart and now it will take a lot of work to get back to where we were. But I am READY for I am done feeling like shit, constantly comparing myself to mm’s wife. F it!!!! If mm is PERFECT then I’ll settle for a less perfect man who doesn’t treat me like a dirty little secret. I feel selfish for getting into this affair and putting my hubby through this(he doesn’t know but I feel guilty for pulling away from him). I am grateful no-one found out and am ashamed that I did this. We often see mm as some demi Gods but may be we are only seeing part of who they really are. Big hugs and prayers for you. You GO GIRL. I am rooting for you!! Take care xo

  • Louis

    I have been following this blog for almost 8 months now. When I started, I was in a similar situation.
    1. I was married
    2. Got a divorce due to MM.
    3. MM said he loved me forever.
    4. I waited. patiently.
    5. Nothing happened. He ALWAYS had excuses.
    6. I Finally started therapy and doing a lot of things to heal myself. To learn that maybe my obsession with him was truly due to a lot of other factors in my life and my self-esteem.
    7. In the end, remember Nothing in life is permanent. The way you are feeling right now will not last forever. Always remember that. If you get 5 good minutes in the day cherish them. That’s better than 0. It is important to have people who love you in your life. Maybe you can find a friend or a pet you feel love for. Good luck ladies. Trust me, it’ll get better.

    Send me an email at: alliswellLouis@gmail.com and I would love to help anyone else. I received a lot of help from online strangers and I would love to pass the favors.

  • J

    So my mm and I attempted no physical contact for a few weeks. I told him its a good idea and I think he should work on his marriage. Well he decided it’s too unbearable and he loves me so much that he can’t be around me without wanting to touch me. Says his life will never be the same since he’s found love with me. Our connection is too intense and he will never feel that for his wife. However still feels such guilt that he doesn’t know what to do. Says he thinks he’s selfish and should just be satisfied with his friendship with his wife, but he can’t let me go. I’m not sure what I want anymore. His wife asked him to go away on an international trip. She’s also trying to make herself more attractive to him by losing weight and dying her hair. Will that actually work? I’m so confused.

    • Thissitesavedmylife

      Mine uttered the same words almost to the letter. Please don’t give in. What do you want and need with someone where a physical relationship is involved? His needs are already met and more with two women in the picture.

      My guess is you want stability, commitment, love, devotion and not another full-time partner in the forefront of his life. Don’t give in please. They’re incredibly manipulative when it comes to getting their way. I’m sure he’s telling the truth about his attraction, care and feelings toward you but it’s not enough. When they go on the trip a part of you will die inside. I speak from experience and need to follow my own advice. God bless! Stay strong and feel liberated!

    • Hope

      Hi J,
      I agree with thissitasavedmylife please don’t give in. You deserve so much more than the crumbs he is offering you. I too feel he is trying to manipulate his way back. Just remember no matter how good you are to him he might never give you the kind of love you truly deserve. Big hugs xx

  • Spark

    Ladies, I need some advice. Actually, it’s more like understanding of the situation I’m in. I figure there are enough here that can at least give me some insight as to what the OW is thinking and feeling. After all, it’s very rare to be able to ask a rather large group of women who in this kind of situation.

    Years ago, as a volunteer counselor at an in-treatment facility, I helped a young teenager out of a situation that impacted her health Let me be VERY CLEAR: There was ZERO attachment or attraction to her. She was a young kid in a group setting for about 2 weeks and I was in my late 20’s doing volunteer work. She was a very positive kid who just had control issues. Always a great smile and fun personality compared to the others who seemed to be so depressed and even suicidal. Again, there was NO attraction…not even a hint on my part. I finished by volunteering and moved on to some other work.

    About 5 years later, I ran into her in a local mall and was so happy to see her doing really well. She had taken care of herself and was very happy to see me. Again…ZERO attraction on my part. Then about 3 years later, while giving a speech, she was in the audience and came up to me later with this huge smile. I could tell she was a bit nervous around me and was beginning to think she might have a slight crush on me. About a year later, I ran into her again at the same venue, where she followed me out to my truck and made it very clear in words that she was very interested in me. I have to admit I was a bit flattered. After all, she had grown into a very attractive woman who any man would kill to have on his arm. It made me feel a bit uncomfortable and I didn’t say anything. I wished her well and that I was glad she had done well in life.

    I didn’t hear from her again for a couple of years when, out of the blue, I get a series of letters from her. She had moved to the east coast to take a job in TV. Her letters stated that she was so happy to have seen me again and that she was doing well. I showed my wife these letters and then threw them away. I never responded to them. Not even to the Christmas cards she sent. They eventually stopped for 12 years, when things drastically changed.

    I had been thinking about her for the past six month and even tried to locate her online. (That right there tells you I was starting to become more interested in her. However, it was nowhere close to anything deep) No luck. So I simply gave up. Then 2 months ago, I walk into a local coffee shop and there she is with her mother and a friend. She was shocked and surprised about as much as I was. She stood up and gave me a huge smile and a long hug. I have to admit that I was quite taken back with her. This was no longer a young girl. She was a grown woman. We made a time to get together and catchup on things.

    I met her for lunch and was attracted to what she had become: confident, playful, outgoing, intelligent, no-nonsense, and certainly very pretty. I could tell she was very nervous and that she wanted to tell me something. We never got to that as I could tell it was not the place or time. Eventually, we would meet for lunch and coffee. I told her upfront I was married, but was having serious issues at home. She told me that she had a boyfriend in another city but was not drawn to him at all. We texted and called. I could tell that I was growing more attracted to her and that she was doing the same with me. We even went to the car races together…and her boyfriend was there. But I could tell there was no attraction to him, or to her from him. She even drove a hundred miles out of her way to see me for dinner at a speech I was making in another city. Eventually, I made the fatal mistake of sending her some flowers and a note after she had a rough day at work. The note was pretty deep. She texted me and told me she had the same feelings for me and that she had a crush on me since she was young. But according to her, it was no longer a crush. It was real.

    To shorten the story, we would meet and talked very deeply about each other. We would hold hands, hug each other, and even did some work on repairing damaged homes for the needy. Kisses were out because she said there is no way she could hold back if we did so. But trust me…we were VERY close to some long passionate kisses. She told me she was always nervous around me because “Wouldn’t you be nervous if you had everything you’ve ever wanted sitting in front of you?” We went to a bar one night to watch a game when she came out and told me she loved me. We were suppose to meet last Saturday to spend the entire day together watching movies, eating Thai, and drinking a bottle of wine that had bought from France as a gift to her.

    That day never came.

    That morning after the trip to the bar to watch the game, she texted me and said she was so excited to be with me that night. I didn’t respond until later that day saying it was great, but we were going to have to call the day off because I was having trouble with all of it. I didn’t tell her that it was because of the certainty of sleeping together, and the feelings of guilt. That day, we texted some brief texts. She said that she loved me and that she didn’t say those things lightly because of some past relational issues with other men. I made a second major error. I happened to be driving by a cafe/club and saw her car. I impulsively wrote a note saying she was a wonderful woman and had dramaticallly impacted my life. I also wrote that I loved her. It was a very short note which I left on her windshield.

    That Friday, I texted her and asked how she was. I also apologized for the note and wished her well on an upcoming out of town job interviews. Her texts were very brief: She told me she just wanted it to go back to the day when she first met me at the cafe upon her return to the city. She also stated she wished she had never told me how she felt. Of course, it was me who opened that door. I told her that was impossible to go back as friends because of what had happened. One can’t simply turn off feelings for another like a light switch. The rest of her texts were: “Thanks” “Ok” and those types of things. I told her I would contact her Tuesday (today) to set up a time for a face to face. My last text to her was “Don’t worry. We’re both going to be fine. I promise” She never responded. I’ve decided not to have any contact with her. I’m not texting her a time or a place as I know it would cause more problems and even potentially make me feel much worse. There are other details. However, you get the jist of the story.

    So my questions:
    1) Could you provide me an idea as to what is going on in her head?
    2) What is her emotional state?
    3) What is her possible image of me right now?

    I would seriously would love to hear your feedback, criticisms, and even questions. Thanks!

    • Spark

      Quick edit:

      To clarify… FWIW

      1. She did agree to a face to face when I asked her if that was okay. I told her I would contact her with the time and place, and she agreed. However, I never followed through.
      2. When I first contacted her to say it was off for that Saturday due to the fact I couldn’t take it, I did tell her I loved her. She responded saying she loved me too, and she stated she just wanted to go back to the way things were before we first recently met, and that she thought that she should have kept her love a secret from me.

      • Thissitesavedmylife

        Hi Spark, if you check out my post a few comments below I provided some insights into the female mind during and after the ending of an affair. It sucks for both parties bc there are no winners, only survivors.

      • Hope

        Spark,
        Good on you for recognising it was wrong and doing the right thing but that poor woman must feel horrible right now. You rejected her 2-3 times then told her you loved her but cancelled everything (I understand your reasons for doing this) and went MIA? which might have made her feel like you didn’t care? But you are right, meeting her now would only make things worse. I think she still feels you are a good person (and you are). No wonder she feels she shouldn’t have said anything because you said you loved her and then backed off. She probably knows your wife and your marriage comes first and doesn’t want to get involved. Please stay on the right track, don’t chase her/contact her, she sounds like a wonderful lady and deserves so much more than anything you can ever offer her (you don’t want her to experience pain like most of us do). If you love her please let her go as you have no plans of giving her what her love truly deserves.

      • Esme

        Hi Spark,

        Here is my advice, I am marriead and held an affair with a man I consider the man i loved for almost 3 years. He recently walk away from our affair. I gather you are still married… as much I wish to tell you what emotional stage this women is in I do not believe that is the main focus. I will focus on you because the last thing I would like for you is to be in is kind of pain that is left after an long affair. The intrest and attraction you obtain of her was as you stated her confidence, her will power, charisma, and success. It could have been that she found the same in you but recently you are changing because of this new relationship. My advice is before you change any futher evaluate your life, wants and needs. If you find you marriage broken and unfixable then focus on either making it happy again or letting go. So that your new encounters and relationship get a fair chance to flourish. Believe me nothing will poison a relationship more then a person that doesn’t have control on their own life.

        I once told my lover that as much I love him that our relationship started wrong.

        If you really have feeling of love for this women and you can see a future with her then first let go of marriage you are in and focus on yourself to build yourself up. Continuing and pursuing this new women will only make you happy for a short time and miserable for a long time.

        Focus on yourself and what is best for you.

        Best of Luck,
        Esme

      • Lara

        Dear Spark,
        I feel like your situation is different despite what i said before in one of my comments to you. Now that I have read your story above, I understand the person you were with was a very young teenager and you helped her in a troubled time. This I feel can complicate s this situation by a lot. Trauma bonding is real and perhaps she was relying on you as a strong adult male or even father figure at that early time? Did she put you an a pedastal I wonder? And did she continue to do so even when she was older? I admit to being out of my league here as to giving you any advice as to what to do now. I am posing these questions to get you to consider these other possible aspects of this situation if you have not already. Also, the nature of her problems back then when you helped her would certainly seem important to consider. She may have seemed like just a “kid” to you back then, but she have perceived you as someone quite important to her personal growth and life from the very start. L.

    • Felk

      Spark, you know what she’s feeling. She’s feeling hurt and rejected and she’s in mourning over the loss of your relationship. She’s feeling foolish for telling you she loved you. She’s worried she drove you away with that admission, but she also knows that it was important for her to be honest and if that drove you away, it’s for the best. She wishes she could go back to that day you met again and go back to just being friends before it was all ruined and before she felt this crushing pain. Her emotional state? Crushed. Devastated. When you’re that in love and someone suddenly ends it, it’s horrible. You know how bad it feels for you. It’s worse for her since it wasn’t her choice. But now you have to leave her alone. You know that. Do not contact her if you cannot offer her the relationship she wants. What is her image of you? I don’t know. She may feel deceived. She may feel used. She may feel you’re selfish or cowardly. She may also have pretty much the same image she always did of you, and she’s just hurt. My break-up didn’t really change my image of my MM. I knew who he was, and the break-up was pretty consistent with that. That’s about your ego, though. If you don’t want a relationship her, it doesn’t matter what she thinks of you anymore.

      • Nomad

        Agree! Do not contact her if you can’t give her happiness. Though I’m now still hoping mm will loose his self control and contact me but no, he has gradually and over the past 6mths managed to control himself and wean off me. I thank him for that and making things easier for me and for the better in long run.

        Don’t ever start and think that you can end it, let go and move on eventually when novelty and curiosity wore off; thinking that returning to spouse is easy and life goes on. Things will NEVER be the same. I am damaged and god knows if I’ll be normal and happy again despite so many promises from all here that I’ll heal and feel indifferent.

        I feel relieved that it’s still not too late for you and happy for her that your self control and rational thinking are firm and unwavering. I went in knowing he will not divorce and perhaps he thought it’s safer with a mw. It’s our 18mths anniversary in 9days time, I think I’ll stop counting the nc by then. He once wanted us to last 10yrs but I laughed it off telling him I’d be happy if we could make it 6mths. Fact is, his guilt and fear grew as he got deeper, my jealousy and anxiety infested and suffered so much pain, hurt, insomnia, losing myself, and as I downloaded my hellish life to him, I guess that helped me to quit me because that made him feeling terrible and guilty both ways. So! I forcibly chose to understand in good light why he finally left this time, as Felk said, couldn’t fault him for choosing his family. I am the mistake. He’s the source of my pain and insomnia. I am in denial to sound so rational and righteous to be honest but I’ve no choice now. It’s my ego. Worse if I cave in and slap with rejection and it’s agonizing to repeat the tumultuous cycle that makes me feel I’m still wasting my life.

    • Nomad

      Spark, how are you feeling? Are you still missing her? Are you still exercising self control not to contact her? Are you still hurting? Or you have let go and moved on? Life with wife is better than before? I hope to know because I think my mm should be feeling the same?

      Day 9 of nc and I’m feeling worse… missed him much more… feeling hopeless that this is it and he’s not coming back…

  • Rebecca

    Hello everyone,
    After researching how to break up with a MM, I found this site. NC started last night and I am so HURT! I had to leave! So MM is my coworker, it started out innocent (doesn’t it always start out this way???) He would compliment me, and we would have small talks here and there. I didn’t know he was married, he never wore a wedding band, and he was a very private person. We exchanged numbers, and we started texting everyday……… fast forward…… a month into sleeping together, he told me he was married, and he wasn’t happy. I felt sorry for him, and wanted to be there as his “support.” The sex was amazing!!!! There was so much emotions involve, I thought I had found my soulmate. He made me a lot of PROMISES; he told me for 7 months that he will end his marriage of 13 years because he’s unhappy, he would married me— he just wants me to be patient with him, be his “ride-or-die!” (I’m dying alright!!!!)
    We planned on moving in together, and he wanted to be apart of my son’s life…… after planning for 7 months, 2 weeks ago I asked him: “what if she calls my phone when we move in together babe, should I tell her, yes you live here but she needs to discuss that with you?” OMG! He got mad! “No, you shouldn’t say anything to her, that’s not your place, you only have one option, telling her you’re my coworker!!!” I felt soooooo hurt and broken!!! I immediately broke it off with him, but went back two days later crying, asking him “what is the truth???” He then tries to explain that if I tell her about us, I will mess up his “exist plans, and me of all people should be more understanding since I was divorced!” Where did Mr. Charming???? Who was this NEW person??? PLEASE tell me everything he told me was true!!!!!

    I officially end it last night after thinking how much he used me: he stayed at my apartment, as his family lives three hours away, and when he goes home on weekends, I don’t have from him, he used me for companiship, sex, love, and affection…. everything he wasn’t getting at home! (Well so he says)

    Where should I start with my healing? Any suggestions?? I have never felt so used in my entire life! 😢

    • Spark

      Hi Rebecca.

      So sorry to hear about your situation. There are many wonderful ladies who can help walk you through this much better than I can.
      As a guy, I can only approach it from my point of view.

      The good news is YOU ended it. That says something extremely powerful and wise on your part. (Not to say that those ladies suffering from the MM dropping them are not wise). You saw how he was treating you and decided you were way better than that. Personally, I think that’s pretty awesome.

      Stick with the NC. It is your tool and only key to survival. If you give that up, you will make it much worse, and even open up yourself to a much more damaging and hurtful situation. You have the upper hand in this. So, do NOT ever contact him again for ANY personal reason whatsoever. Since you are coworkers, see if there is any chance of transfer or moving to another location. Try to keep from working on projects together. If you can’t, see if another person can be included in projects. This will make it more bearable and keep you from acting on the temptation of reaching out to him to “see how he is” or any other reason/excuse.

      From the way he acted, and the fact he didn’t tell you he was married until after he slept with you, he sounds like a real chump…a user. Look at it this way. You dumped a loser from your life. He’s probably mad and may even be hurt. But his hurt is more out of a completely selfish and narcissistic reason. He’s more concerned about himself and his standing than he is for you. You don’t need people like this in your life. There are many good men who don’t act that way.

      Yes, it hurts like HELL. And it will for some time. But you will overcome. Just stick with the NC as far as your work situation allows. It’s crucial you do this. You’ll win in the end, and he will wind up the biggest loser. Hang in there!

      • J

        Spark,
        Why can’t you get divorced and be with the woman you actually love? I don’t understand why you don’t think staying married is wrong when you’re in love with someone else. Your wife could find someone who loves her fully.

        • Spark

          Hi J.

          Thanks for the comment. Actually, it’s a fantastic question!

          In my view, it’s all about commitment. I made a promise to a woman I loved at the time. I can try to justify and rationalize by saying I didn’t love my wife when I married her. But that isn’t true. In fact, she is perhaps the sweetest, kindest, faithful, easy-going, loving, patient, and nicest woman on the planet. But over the years, things changed. She seems to have lost herself. She’s a pretty woman, but she no longer has confidence in her femininity. And for me, that is a MAJOR quality in a relationship. Her laid-back attitude has turned her into a woman who likes to sit on the couch and read books as much as possible. Thankfully, she’s recently started going to the gym with me. But she hates to put any effort into it from her own desire. I seem to have to push her to it. To simply put it, she seems to be turning into an old lady 30 years before her time. Whose fault is that? Some of both. But I will take most of the blame as I’m certain there are hidden things about me that are not good which I just don’t see. So, I admit my failures may cause this.

          As for me? I am much more adventurous, and that has left me quite lonely. In fact, I travel the world usually by myself. I sit in Paris cafes enjoying the tranquility…all by myself. I visit old ruins and castles…all by myself. I even ski the French and Swiss alps…yes, you guessed it: By myself. Funny story, but I once was approached and strongly hit on by a former Peruvian fashion model in Instanbul. (Lord knows why me!) She made it very clear what she wanted to do. However, for me, I didn’t want the sex. I wanted the companionship. So, I walked with her in the quiet streets, hugged her goodnight, and then went to my room. I’m sure she was quite dumbfounded that I didn’t take her home and make love to her. 🙂

          So… Who is to say that all I’ve gone through with my wife won’t happen all over again with the OW? Right now, I have to look at this rationally, as all of us here have to do. It’s important we don’t look at it from the emotional standpoint as our emotions fade and change. Do we love ALL the qualities of this other person? Have we put a halo around them in which we fail to the see the negative things that would make us cringe if we were married to them? Am I hooked on the same feelings I had when I first dated my wife? Truth be told, I’m probably in love with the wonderful high I have with the OW. I don’t think so. I really enjoy her. She’s a fantastic person whom I think I could spend my life with. However, I can’t trust myself and my emotions at the moment.

          I heard a statistic from a nationally known marriage counselor who stated 90% of those who divorce their spouse for another person…never marry the other person. Those 10% who do? Well, research has shown 90% of those fail within the first three years. It looks like the odds are HEAVILY stacked against any success rate for a happy post-divorce marriage. If I were to leave my wife and get with the OW, chances are it would fail…and then I would again be going through the entire emotional roller coaster we all seem to be going through.

          There! How is that for a totally long rant!?! 🙂

          • Jo

            Spark,
            From reading your response, it seems to me that you’re afraid of failure when you leave your marriage to be with someone else, afraid of the emotional roller coaster and lack of stability that a marriage offers. You sound exactly like me a few months ago. May I share with you from my experience?
            I too was a married woman, had an affair with another MM thinking I would never leave my marriage for the MM because of all the statistics that you listed, the chance of happiness with the other person is just too low. My biggest fears: What if my affair worked out, we’d be together, go through the stages of a relationship or even marriage, ups and downs, and find myself in the same spot? Am I just infatuated with my MM and that will die down eventually? Am I just being immature and throwing away a perfectly good thing? Will my lover and I still love each other the way we do now? Otherwise, I’d just be devastated and back to square one.
            Well 6 months after the affair started, I told my lover I wanted to end if he couldn’t give me his all, and also got a divorce from my husband. I’m now still going through emotional roller coaster at times because of the divorce, and of course the ending of the affair. The wound is still very fresh for me as it just recently happened, but as I go through this, I am also realizing that, I can actually live without both. I realize that I didn’t need to get a divorce to be with my lover, I didn’t need to run to my affair at all.

            Yes I am in pain, yes I still go on emotional roller coaster, but then don’t we go through that anyway if we choose to do nothing to fix our situation? We were all brought to this website for a reason! I guess what I’m trying to say is, there is life after divorce. I have no doubts you and everyone on here can go on with our lives too, whether we pursue our happiness with our affair after the divorce, or not. In fact, day by day, I feel more in control of my life and my happiness more than I ever before. And if later on I feel I have made a huge mistake with all these decisions, then I guess that’s lesson to be learned about myself, and I’ll just be more prepared to make better decision in the future. Of course I’m not advocating everyone to just get divorced when you’re not happy, but give it all to your marriage for a fresh start. If after all the effort, it fails, I don’t think you’ll regret later on if you decide to leave. At least, that’s the case for me.
            Hope you will find clarity and happiness soon, no time to waste in this life!

            “A ship in harbor is safe — but that is not what ships are built for.” — John A. Shedd.

  • Heartbroken

    Hi all,
    Hope everyone is doing ok. I am feeling a bit low today and could use some support. Comments on this forum have been helping me, Thank you so much Lara, Mary, Bevcha, Flek, list goes on! I broke it off 2 weeks ago (have tried breaking up numerous times but the pain feels unbearable and I end up going back to him for more). I know he loves me but I am tired of being with an unavailable man. I only have myself to blame for this pain as I became a part of this voluntarily. I am trying to take one day at a time and trying to focus on my little one. Hope it gets better, hope I get over him someday. Big hugs to everyone dealing with this pain. Xx

  • Spark

    From a guy’s perspective.

    I’ve noticed most of the comments are from women. Since this site is geared toward women, it makes sense. 🙂 But let me fill you in on how men in these situations often see it.

    Yes, there are many men who are in adulterous relationships strictly for the sex. However, there are just as many who are in one for the companionship, feelings, and ‘hope’ for what seems a brighter future. Trust me on this one. As a MM, I had a brief relationship with a single woman 15 years younger than me. I met her a long time ago while helping her through a tough situation. There was zero attraction on my part during that time. She told me I would always be her best friend. However, I still had no attraction to her. We lost contact, and recently ran across each other after 20 years of no contact. Something sparked between us and we soon became more than friends. Thank God no sex was involved. We wouldn’t even kiss, knowing where this could lead. She was very intelligent, confident, outgoing, fun, spontaneous, and extremely attractive. We spent many times alone, hugging and just holding hands.

    We had planned to spend a day together when I decided to tell her there was no way we could continue. It was in a text and not even in person. Telling her was extremely difficult. I have been through the most rigorous special ops training in the military where the washout rate was 90%…,but I can tell you that breaking off this relationship was THE most excruciating, painful, hurtful, tormenting, mind-numbing, depressing and difficult thing I have EVER done. I have thrown away everything I have ever received from her. All texts, phone messages, records of incoming calls, receipts, and even the pens I used to write her little notes….ANYTHING that I had that reminded me of her. She had become a drug in which I needed to go cold turkey, even if it left both of us in extreme pain.

    Ladies, we men often make a fast breakway not because we are using you, but simply because we are hurting just as bad as you are. We have the EXACT same feelings that I read here pertaining to how women feel. There is zero difference. Sometimes, however, we so desperately want to communicate and reach out…either by texting, a quick call, or even a glimpse. But if we do that we know we are now hooked back on the drug. It’s only been a few days, and I can tell you there is a huge temptation to reach out. But if I do, then the process starts all over again and I can’t survive that strain.

    So…. Yes, there are some bad dudes who do nothing but use women. Then again, there are also many bad women who use men. Just consider the fact that perhaps these men are acting this way because they, too are hurting and don’t know how to get out of the situation.

    • Felk

      Really appreciate your commentary here, Spark. I’m a MW who had an affair with a MM, but I posted something similar on here a few weeks ago about how I thought my MM was feeling similarly to me (hurt, confused, lost, missing, wanting, unsure). I posted about how I knew it was very hard for him to end our affair, and how it actually showed strength on his part (given that he was doing it to save his marriage and not hurt his family). I think it will help other women (and men) on here to read your words and know that the MM are often hurting just as much as we are. And I think it’s important to point out that both men and women can be selfish, awful, etc., but that, typically, people are just being human and normal in these situations. Also, I think it’s important to recognize that both people are being selfish in these situations. We can’t just blame the MM for being selfish and terrible. We know we are getting into relationships with MM and we know it could cause a lot of hurt for his wife (and kids) if they ever were to find out. We also know that it likely does cause hurt for his wife and kids (as he pulls away from them to give attention to us). We are hurting other people, even if indirectly, and we know it. Gotta look at our own behaviors in this, too.

      • Spark

        Hi Felk,

        You make some excellent points and observations That’s the biggest problem with extramarital relationships. One day, they will have to come to an end in one of two ways. 1) Someone will break it off. 2) One will divorce. Usually, it is number one.

        The breakup is SO difficult. One of the big reasons is that the relationship is a high. It is emotionally involved and makes us feel so good and awesome when we are with the other. Of course, that’s because we really don’t see the bad in the other person, only this halo. Any flaws we do see we rationalize away. When the breakup happens, we lose the high and crave it like a drug. What we are all going through is exactly like a drug addict going through withdrawals. That’s why cutting off all contact and moving on is EXTREMELY difficult. We hurt emotionally and even physically. Our bodies get suddenly hot and our skin feels like it’s on fire. If only we could crawl out of our skin!

        One of the things that triggered me to drop the relationship is when she told me: “I am so impressed and in awe of your integrity. I have never met someone like that.” That statement hit me right between the eyes. After all, if I was so full of integrity, then why was I seeing another woman?”

        Finally, I can promise you I wish she would text me, call me, or make some type of contact. I haven’t heard a word in four days and it killing me thinking she probably is angry and/or hurt. Of course, it’s simply about my ego, and it’s best she doesn’t make any contact for her sake as well.

        All the best to everyone here!

        • Felk

          Spark, you say good things again. No doubt about the relationship high. We probably don’t look at affairs fairly (when we’re in them). We idealize this relationship with the other person, especially in comparison to our spouse, because it’s all fun and laughter and sex (for most of us). We get to see the best of each other without the daily hassles of married life. We don’t go through the habituation to that other person. We get to feel the excitement of wondering when we’ll see that person again (when we’ll get that next “hit”), and because we don’t get to spend that much time with them it always seems new and fresh. As I said, I was in this for five years, and it still felt new and exciting. Well, our relationship did; the difficulty of being apart and the strain of continually lying to our spouses took its toll. What you say about integrity is similar to what my MM felt. I know that he didn’t feel like he was being a good husband and father (or a good boyfriend to me). Ultimately and ironically, some of the characteristics that led me to fall in love with him were what led him to recognize that he needed to end the relationship (i.e., integrity). It sounds like it was the same for you.

          I can’t speak for your other and I don’t know the details of your break up, but you’re likely right in saying she’s hurt and angry. My guess is more hurt than angry, but, again, I don’t know the circumstances of your break up. She likely just needs the space that she is taking. She likely has been given advice from everyone to cut off contact entirely (at least for some period of time like a few months). And you know that’s smart. My MM and I had a few close talks after we broke up and they were only a band-aid, and I always felt much worse after (because I missed him even more). Also, you sound like a pretty smart guy, and I’d have to guess you’d pick a pretty reasonable woman so she’ll, ultimately, know that you cared for her but had to do what was “right.” I know that I had nearly no anger towards my ex. I knew what I was getting into, I never felt he lied to me, I always felt he loved me, and I knew he did what was best for him and his family. It hurt like nothing I’ve ever felt before when he ended it and that lasted for weeks, but it’s feeling better (6 weeks later). It still hurts. I still miss him, even though (or because) I see him at work nearly every day. Is wanting contact with her still just about your ego? Or is it also about missing someone who was a part of your life? For me, it’s both. I know I feel the rejection of him choosing his wife (i.e., my ego), but I also know I feel this void of five years of having that closeness with him.

          I’m sure different strategies work for different people. I like the prospect of a friendship with my MM (and we’re doing okay with that so far), but I also know that cutting off all contact is likely the smartest route for most people (and it’s what I would recommend to anyone). Transitioning to a friendship with my MM will slow my healing process, but it also offers something with this man that I love. It’s worth it to me.

          • Spark

            Felk,

            Many thanks for the comments. Very insightful and interesting.

            As for wanting to contact her, its both about missing her and my ego. But I know if I contact her I will feel worse for contacting her. But do I ever want to be with her!!!

            I’m sure all these feelings will pass as my head starts to put everything together in the correct way. But that is a long process.

            Thanks!

          • Nomad

            Spark,
            If she were to contact u, would see her as one who’s desperate, losing her self respect and dignity, and turn off because she doesn’t know how to love herself ?

            I think my mm, like u, has suddenly switched to a rationale mode, and seeing the big picture and end point.

            While you are experiencing all these excruciating pain, are you able to hide these near death feelings and function at home? Why didn’t my spouse detect anything amiss for the past 17 mths? I’m sure there were wkends where i was living like a zombie and dropped hints that my heart is elsewhere, I felt so guilty and very tempted to confess. Please share from your experience, what is life for you at home? After hearing your perspective, I feel hopeless about him coming back and helpless to watch us heading to an end… dying every day.

    • Christine

      Wow. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish other men would speak up, too. They are often and easily made to be the “bad” people because they disappear so quickly and easily and we view it as they never loved us. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of men that just dump the mistress and go back to their lives to escape the complications and maintenance.

      • Spark

        Thanks Christine,

        Happy to share it. In fact there is much more to it that makes this situation so bizarre. However, I left out a HUGE amount to keep all of you from having to go through the whole situation. However, I’d be more than happy to share it if anyone is interested in hearing about it. I promise you its a bit strange and twisting, and yet quite romantic. Just be ready for a long read.

        And perhaps one of you ladies will be able to tell me what she might have been thinking in all of this. Sure would help me understand.

        I have a feeling there are more bad men than there are women in these kind of things. Guys tend to look at sleeping with a woman as sort of a conquest. One test is to see how he acts after the breakup. If there is no pain, then yes, you were probably a notch on the bed. If there is a great amount of pain, then you meant something. Those guys are the ones that need to be exposed to their families.

        Hope your day goes great!

        • Thissitesavedmylife

          Hi Spark, personally I’d love to hear the unabridged version of your story. It might be cathartic for you to journal online. I can’t speak for her but I can offer a female perspective. Apologies in advance for being verbose. I entered into and stayed in my illicit relationship for the following reasons:
          1. We had mutual chemistry, sparks and attraction
          2. I fell for his personality, intelligence, success and looks
          3. I had been dating casually but had not felt such an intense attraction in a long time
          4. I was lonely and totally longing for male attention from someone I was interested in romantically
          5. I didn’t think about long term consequences and was living in the moment
          6. He flirted and showered me with compliments
          7. I turned a blind eye to his marital status. I was living in fantasy land bc his wife was not in my line of vision.
          8. Low self-esteem
          9. Foolish hope that I might be the exception and not the rule even though stats are highly unfavorable in these cases.
          10. Sex was off the charts mind blowing
          After endless breakups and makeups I finally lost it this weekend. I found out his wife took him away on a surprise luxurious spa vacation somewhere. Even typing this gets me all worked up again. We had plans this week and I told him to piss off. He alleged that they weren’t intimate but it’s everything it stands for that breaks my heart and soul. We work together but virtually so I’m doing everything possible to perform well in my role and act like nothing is fazing me. As for my emotional state following the breakup this is where I stand (your ex may be experience one or many of these fun emotions):
          1. Resentful that you have a partner to go home to
          2. Rejected that you chose your spouse over her
          3. Relieved that she doesn’t have to spend free time checking her phone and ruminating about what you’re doing
          4. Anger and hatred toward you and herself for getting emotionally involved with an unavailable person
          5. Jealousy over your significant other
          6. General sadness, depression and numbness that come along with an ending or any loss
          I have a feeling that all of the above are significantly less intense since you weren’t physical together. I respect you both for not permitting it to go that far. You are incredibly disciplined, wise and selfless. I wish you all of the success, happiness and good fortune. I look forward to hearing your story.

          • Spark

            Wow! That is very powerful! Thanks for posting it. It’s very insightful

            I’m hoping you are able to get over your situation soon and with less pain. It sounds as if you have had to deal with quite a bit of difficulty and emotional bruising.

            I hope my OW doesn’t have to go through a big ordeal. Unknown to me, she has been carrying the torch for me for the last 25 years! I never knew it until we met up again and all came out in the open. (The unabridged story is listed in another post above) My closeness to her began three or so months ago. Her desire for me has kindled for 25 years! So, I’m assuming she may a hard time dealing with it, especially since I was the one who pulled out. I really hope she doesn’t and can move on quickly,

            In fact, I would rather bear the pain for her if it helps heal her wounds so she can resume her life. Of course, I will probably never know as I am strict on my NC rule.

            Take care, and many thanks for sharing your hurts.

        • Lara

          I hate to say this Spark but with the details you just shared about her having carried a torch for u for 25 years, and now you KNOWING that, I would say ALL of Thissitesavedmylife’s Second set of numbers in her long post above apply. Definitely all of the numbers for her, but most likely some of of them for you too. I hope I am wrong but I have seen many situations in my time trying to exit my affair and I have learned a lot.

    • Lara

      Thank you Spark for your words from a guy’s perspective. It really helps to hear a man’s point of view. It is nice to know men have feelings and longings and regrets just like we women do. I dare say you are unlike my former MM in many ways. And unlike many of the MM’s I read about here. My MM and I started with sex from the very beginning. He complained to me that the romance and passion had gone all out if his marriage and that I meant everything to him because I was so passionate and because I wanted him all the time. I got the feeling that I had a real role in his life and that I was needed. But as time passed I realized I had been duped. Yes he liked (loved) the sex and the love and attention I gave him, but no, he could not l (would not) eave his wife because she was the mother of his children. This went on and on for years with many break ups and get back together’s as I struggled to understand how he could do such a thing to me. I became very hooked into the relationship emotionally as well as physically and I repeatedly sought to “prove him wrong” so I could redeem my rapidly falling self esteem. (My self esteem fell into the gutter anyhow because he never changed.) Many MM’s follow this pattern. It is so telling that you say, “Something sparked between us and we soon became more than friends. Thank God no sex was involved.” You clearly showed a huge sense of self control in your situation and also a knowledge of the consequences. You seemed to be aware of the repercussions of hooking in another woman. My kudos to you! Too bad so many other married men do not act like this.

      • Spark

        Lara,

        So sorry to hear about your pain and hurt. Seems like you really loved him. To feel that you “had a real role in his life and that I was needed” is so powerful. When that appears not to be the case, then the pain is intensified a million times. Your esteem drops and you feel worthless.

        Sex is INCREDIBLY powerful. It’s the only act that allows two people to just about physically touch each other’s soul. Once it happens, you are hooked on the person in a deeply spiritual way. I can’t begin to describe to you how difficult it was for the both of us not to have sex. However, if it had happened, I think the breakup would take much longer, be much more difficult, and probably would lead us back together again.

        Lara, your worth is not determined by how another man feels for you. It is determined by the fact you are a woman created for a purpose in life. I’m not sure where you are in all of your healing process. If you’re over it, then great! If not, I promise you it will happen…even though I’m still trying to find it in the middle of a huge amount of pain and hurt.

        May you have a great and wonderfully happy life!

        • Lara

          Spark, Thank you. I think you have read me correctly. I especially like to hear (and re-read often) the last paragraph. I need that. Yes I lost a perceived role in my ex MM’s life. For me that was huge. I too can scratch the scab by going back to him, but it will not solve anything. I need to move on…to move straight forward not backwards. And out of harm’s way. I still see him from a distance as he works right near my house but most nights i force myself to look away. The nights I don’t are always MUCH WORSE! Looking away means I am taking care of myself and I am too strong to let another man’s marriage ruin me. Looking away means in the distance I hope to find a new lover, a new person to care of but one that will also take care of ME. The process is NOT easy ; that is why we all seem to relapse so much. I never judge anyone for going backwards. I have done that a million times too. Like you said sex is INCREDIBLY powerful and the lure is too strong sometimes. But I am done with this fish and need to catch another one. I have seen this movie too many times and already know the unhappy ending. SO I continue to STAY AWAY. (Broke up in May this year) I wish you the very best too! (And the same to everyone else on here too) L.

    • Heartbroken

      Thanks for trying to help Spark. Still feels unfair. You said you love her yet feel no responsibility towards her? Wife always comes first right. Geez if only I had listened to my brain. Never again as it’s a waste of time and brings so much pain. Hope everyone dealing with this heals.

      • Spark

        Heartbroken,

        I believe you may have pulled the quote from another person. I reread my post and cant find where I wrote that.

        It seems like you’ve really been through the ringer. However, it also appears that you are much wiser and know when to recognize when this sort of thing is about to happen again. So good for you.

        Finally, one piece of advice… change your forum name. Yes, you are heartbroken. But if you continue with that, I promise you will have a tougher time getting over it. It’s a constant reminder to yourself that you are broken. You have enough to deal with than always reminding yourself as to where you are.

        I hope you find quick healing and peace. And you will. It’s closer than you think.

        • Hope

          Sorry Spark my mistake, I have been reading many comments and got it mixed up. Thank you, good on you for doing what’s needed.

          We all have had to deal with pain and suffering. Hope you heal quickly too and find peace. Stay strong, God Bless

          • Spark

            Love the new name! Yes, there is Hope! It may not seem like it because the enemy continues to whisper in our ear that there is never any hope for a happy life. Hang in there!

    • Kev who thought he was the only MM guy on this site

      Its been close to 2 years since I’ve been in the relationship with my lover….and I’m so confused the only way that I can break it off is cold turkey…………I know if I don’t do it that way it will never end.. I experience a lot of the feelings that is posted on this site..(to know a little about my story have to read previous post)

      • Spark

        Hey Kev!

        Glad to see there’s another MM here! We guys need to stick together, eh? 🙂

        Seriously, though, I feel you pain. Brother, it’s tough. You and I (as well as the many wonderful ladies on this site) are in the middle of a huge emotional Cat 5 hurricane. In fact, it is more like a death. We have let go of someone (or have been let go) and we have to accept the fact that we must never strive to see or hear from them again. That is what makes it so difficult. There is grief, denial, anger, and all the things that go with mourning. If you contact her for ANY reason whatsoever, you are pulling the scab off the wound, an injury that will take some time to get over. If we reach out to them, we have ripped open the scab. If we continually pick at it with thoughts and fantasies about them, we will slow the process tremendously.

        There is good news, though. It will end. That’s a promise. Controlling our thoughts, being confident in who we are and our abilities, and being there to help others is a GREAT way to get out of this state. It will take some time, but it will happen.

        Looking forward to hearing on the progress you and everyone else are making throughout the following days. Just think of how wiser and solid we all will become when the storm passes!

      • Nomad

        Hi Kev… I remember you… so for the past 2 years you are still missing her and holding back from contacting her? Did you move on well with your life after her and things are well with your wife? Lovingly growing together?

        • Kev

          Sorry for the misquot from the last post……..I meant to say it has been almost two years with my lover…….last September was going to be our breakup day after we celebrated my 40th birthday but as of now it looks like we have become stronger as a couple…

          I think I have believed the lie so many of us have believed and that we can just go back to being friends like we were before the affair.

          As a married man it’s very confusing and I hate the emotional roller coaster. We both have talked about the possibility of marriage and we wrestle with the idea all the time………

          I would be putting so much on the line and have so much to loose and I wrestle with this thought what if I leave everything to be with this woman and it don’t work…………

  • J

    I can so relate to what others are saying. Nomad, like what you’re saying about obsessing over the wife and their life. I’ve walked away from him so many times, but what always gets me back is I can’t take the thought of him with her. It kills me and I feel uncontrollable. I start constantly wondering what are they doing now, is he starting to enjoy her company, has he had sex with her even though he says he hasn’t in over 2 years because she’s physically so repulsive to him. I wonder if he’s forgetting me. My mm has pushed me away before, he’s told me 100 times that he rather be with me and I’m so much better for him, and he’s in love with me vs her he just loves as a friend. But he says the guilt is eating him up and he can’t handle the severe stress of a double life. He’s said this before, but after a few days couldn’t handle the no physical contact with me and always started it back up. This time it’s been a week and he’s kept his hands to himself and wants to be friends still. Everything is exactly the same, nonstop talking all day, doing things together, working out together, just nothing physical. I don’t know how long this will lady or if I want it to. He claims he’s working on his marriage. Which I don’t get at all. How’s that possible with the woman he claims is so stupid and fat. But the idea of them together really upsets me to the point of nausea. I really feel I’ve fixed his marriage in a sense, he gets his fun times and great conversations with me, so he doesn’t focus on what he’s missing with her. Plus the guilt makes him act extra nice to her and forget why they are so incompatible. Help!

    • Nomad

      Hi J, when I read your post, I thought I wrote it!!!
      I’ve fixed their marriage! Guilt fuels him extra nice to her to make up his conscience and I give him the other bit of his world that he’s not getting from her.

      After NC for 8 days, then 2 days ago he rang my desk telling me he needed to hear my voice and updated me that life has been routine for him, kids are his happiness, avoided talking about his wife. This is after I’ve lived miserably and painfully for 8 days so dead sure that that was it. I struggled between hanging up versus cave in just to hear his voice …He didn’t ask me for lunch or unblock him from my mobile. He asked how’s my weekend, what did I do, how’s work, was I able to function (why did he care when he has already damaged me).
      I repeated I’m fine many times… I asked him back how’s life without me without guilt? He replied normal, quite routine at home and busy at work, life goes on…. so, his thoughts didn’t quite obsessed with me like how he did to my mind…. so, he called because he’s horny and time to try his luck if he could get for a short fantasy today, yes today, he asked 2 days ago if I could meet him today as he has lots of leave to clear so today he could spare few hrs to feed his addiction. I was being so ridiculous because I actually felt excited and happy that he asked! Then the other inner voice screamed at me to sober up, do not succumb to moments of deprivation and reset all my efforts and never be able to quit this vicious cycle. Then yesterday he went missing again… didn’t call my desk and I continued to block him. I supposed he regretted initiating and eaten up by his guilt so he disappeared again.

      Back to the conversation, I asked him why did he call??? When he’s living so well, coping so fine, going back to his life 17 mths ago before us, why called and threw away the effort of moving on??? Isn’t a guilt free and fearless life is more important than cheating with me? I’m so not worth the risk and taint his moral values, which he realizes after 17 mths. Why did he call instead of exercise self control after I’ve cried for him to understand if he can’t love me the way I need and the way we were, please go. I thought I made it very clear the very last time we sat down and talked so sensibly. I couldn’t remember his reply to all these why’s that I’ve fired at him. Well, it’s the same as why I picked up his call and held on… but I know why… I still hope that he could love me…I still want to justify I made love and not offer sex for free.

      I’m on the way to office… I hope he will not attempt to find me and get me to cave in and go to room… then I’ll tell myself o did well, this too shall pass… honestly it is very hard to resist…so let’s just hope that his guilty conscience makes him let me go and stop dragging and torturing me..

      I tried to get close to my spouse but I failed… it was so bad that I felt nauseous… I lost patience and at Cold War with my teen daughter and didn’t bother to repair or reconcile, I even think of detaching myself from her so that she cannot hurt me again and again. Then why is it so impossible to detach myself from mm?!?!? I’m so damaged that I put mm before my family, wasting my time, space and emotions on a worthless piece of shit. I still see no light at the end of the tunnel, I’m just avoiding and in denial, bluffing myself that I’m improving, I can quit mm…

      I read all the messages (from Lara, J, Felk ..,) all of which I could resonate, dug out all the words from my heart so vicariously… they helped…we are not alone and I really envy those who had saved themselves and moved on… please don’t give up on me…

      • J

        Nomad,
        Thanks so much for your reply. Please start acting rude to your mm. Tell him you want him to work on his marriage. Tell him you’re bored of him and don’t want to be with him. Act as happy as can be. Your mm is being so careless with your heart because he thinks he owns it and he can have you whenever he wants. Let him know he can’t anymore. Let him enjoy his horrid relationship with his wife which he obviously was bored in if he was with you. I told my mm man the same things. Told him sex is off the table and I want him to move on. Guess what? Suddenly he’s as nice as can be. And he’s seeing the boring future with his old fat wife (his words).

        • Thissitesavedmylife

          J, thanks for writing this post. I thought it was one of my former comments. Go figure! Our stories are identical. I’ve literally gone back and forth with him at least 20 times. She’s fat and he is not attracted to her. I’m his ideal and he didn’t know what he was missing until I arrived in his life. All the same lines about how wonderful we are and they are sticking around for the kids. IDK what gets me to return. I guess pain has a short shelf life and I forget oh so quickly how ugly it feels when he takes vacations with her or celebrates holidays with her. Today I found out that she took him on a surprise getaway this past weekend. I’m assuming for their anniversary. I literally felt like someone disemboweled me at that moment. Yet he has told me straight up that he’s not leaving her. I feel like we are filling the gaps in their marriage and mending their wounded relationships. Why do we accept this crap? I hate him and myself for repeating this vicious, torturous cycle. How do you all break free from this addiction? I allow myself to get sucked back in after each ending. I know this is dead end and total insanity. I find myself incredibly jealous of his wife yet I’m sure she is prob a loving, wonderful woman that deserves 100% devotion and commitment. If anyone has any success stories on how they broke free and feel great… that would be awesome!

          • Hope

            Thank you so much for your stories and the support. This site has been a God sent. Thank you all. Hope everyone recovers and gets over the pain. Hope we all find the happiness that we deserve.

      • Mad’lyn

        Why do I put the MM before family?! Such a great question. I do that, too! And it angers me so much. When he crushes my spirit and makes me feel bad for expressing my insecurities, I am so consumed. I have NO ONE to talk to about it because its a secret affair and everyone would hate me if they knew. So, I take the abuse time and time again. I think this time he is serious about breaking up with me and making my life difficult as punishment. And here I am, locked in my room and unable to function. My poor kids do not know why I cry so much. I want to be done with the mental manipulation. I am struggling to get go. But that is because the MMs put us in this dependent position. They have made us feel like we NEED them. And feel that way we do!!!

    • InWaiting

      Oh, J,

      I can so relate to all you said. All those thoughts about the mm wife were ruminating in my brain over and over again, for months! Now that I am out of it, I can clearly see that I was just helping him to be happy with his wife, he needed someone on the side, something exciting to live with his marriage routine life. If you are out of his life, he is not going to be happy with his wife, at least not for long. He will start being bored again, not happy with the everyday life with his wife, etc. So he will either try to get you back or he will start looking for someone else. All the “guilt” conversations are bullsh.t. This helps him to look good in your eyes. If he felt guilt, he wouldn’t have a long term affair.
      Your no-physical relationship with your mm is not going to be for long. He will want excitement and physical contact again at some point. He just got spoiled by having the best of both worlds for quite sometime. You spoiled him too. He is sure that he can get you back at anytime, so he can allow himself to be distant now. But do YOU want this to continue? It’s an addiction and the longer you keep going, the longer time and the greater amount of pain it will bring you once you decide to finally stop it. Mine was about 8 months, and after that 12! months of suffering, going back and forth between NC and getting back with him, being depressed, being hurt, being in pain.

    • Heartbroken

      So sorry for your pain J. We have all been there. Please try and focus on YOU. Try not to think about his life. He doesn’t deserve you. You deserve someone who will always be there for you and not someone who uses you to fill in the gaps. You don’t want to be stuck in this same cycle again. YOU deserve better!! Hugs to you xx

  • Nomad

    At this very moment, I’m feeling so vulnerable and hurt, tears just keep falling… I miss him and even if I cave in and text him, this time he could turn around to plead me to let him go, he had successfully quit the addiction, and starting afresh, not letting anyone to plant guilt in him or risk breaking his family. Such self talk helped to bring me back to reality. Reality that he has forsaken me (when I was the one who left first did hundreds of times); reality that he has moved on and unlike me, he doesn’t cry wolf, he doesn’t look back. I drove him away and I should be grateful to giving me what i want now, ie. get out of my life, isn’t it?! What exactly do I want? How to love myself ? How to be sure that I’m accepting the harsh truth now ie. He’s gone forever? I couldn’t be friends with him, we are still working in the same company, I’m drained of acting tough.

    “When it hurts to move on, just remember the pain to hang on” do I grown to prefer the pain to hang on? I can’t because I’ve no shame, no self respect. He would think I’m cheap.

    It’s still so agonizing and dangerous whenever I’m alone with so much time to overthink… I thought I am getting bettt every day but suddenly I’m attacked by all these revolving days him. At home, I feel so sinned, I don’t deserve to be living

    • InWaiting

      I am so sorry for all your pain Nomad. And for other ladies too. I was in the same situation several months ago. I am well over it now. I no longer even like that mm I was with. Seriously. It was indeed just an addiction. A very strong addiction.
      If you ladies are suffering so much because the guys seem to walk away with no any regrets, and they just keep their happy lives with their wives, why don’t you ladies make the affair fact known to the wives? Does it worth to be that good and keep suffering? I know, I know, you would say that it would not stop the trouble. Oh, it will help, if you suffer that much about the fact that he just trashed you, then trash him as well. I have not done this to my former mm, but if I have a chance in the future, oh yeah, I will.

    • Heartbroken

      Nomad hope you are feeling a bit better today. I am so sorry for the pain you are in and I understand. I recently broke up with my mm and this time I think it’s forever. I am so tired of the highs and lows. Try not to think of his life. You are an affectionate and loving woman and you deserve so much more than this. Stay strong please, I feel your pain and I am feeling the same pain. We will all help each other though this. Stay strong. Xxxx

      • Nomad

        Hi Heartbroken,
        I am feeling worse because I’ve caved in and heard even more hurtful things from him because I told him I rather hear the truth then say things I wanna hear.

        He said he loves his kids and couldn’t imagine if we were found out, his world would collapse. He admitted he’s less crazy for me, getting more comfortable with spacing out, less guilt by not contacting me yet he still think of me… yes, yawning bullshit.

        Have I hit rock bottom? I want to but how

        • Heartbroken

          Dear Nomad,
          So sorry for pain he has caused you. Please don’t beat yourself up for caving in, we have all done that at some point! I caved in today and replied to mm. I think the reason he said was to hurt you and make you want him. That won’t work this because you have become stronger and have support here. We know it’s over, we know we can’t go back, we know we will just waste our time and cause overselves more pain if we go back. I understand it is as I am in the same boat. But at least we know we are not helping their marriages by giving them what they are missing. Stay strong girl you have got this. If you feel weak just keep comments on this thread. We will all help each other through this tough time. God bless xxxx

    • Thissitesavedmylife

      Hi Nomad, mine is also at work and that makes it significantly more difficult to walk away. There is no clean break. I loved your quote about remembering the pain of hanging on vs the pain of letting go. If you feel sad and this may not offer enough consolation, please remind yourself that you helped another soul and that would be me.

  • Nomad

    NC Day7 And I shall stop counting… this time he’s really gone for good. Perhaps he has realized and admitted we were addiction and now that we quit and healing in progress, let’s avoid anything that will cause more hurt and harm. It ain’t worth the risk, time & emotions. 17 months I’ve wasted while others have lived their life decently if not to the fullest. Why couldn’t I quit him successfully but now left licking my wound to heal only when he decided to stop contacting me and let me go. He said he’d stopped his greed and selfishness, he needed to focus on survival, career and loving his kids more. Love & Lust, he has been there done that with me in the fantasy.

    I read elsewhere that after the affair was exposed. , a mm told his wife that he said he loved his mistress because he had to say things she wanted to hear to pacify her, he was guilty about the white lie. How sad… I think my mm almost never say it because he was guilty? Each time I asked him, he replied yes and wished he didn’t have to feel pressured to confront himself if it was love with me. Why is it so hard to admit defeat? Wives always win. His still in bliss and perhaps noticed a positive change in him, thanks to me, I taught him how to love, please and be vulnerable to a woman. I cannot imagine she’s enjoying better sex with him now that he’s gotten better in bed. Such petty and toxic thoughts are killing me. Whereas I avoided my spouse more, physically and emotionally because I compared, because mm is still in my mind and heart. I’m in such a mess.

    Come dec, I’ll be away from office, he’ll be enjoying vacation with family. Is this it?

    • Lara

      Nomad I know how hard this hurts! I have been through all of this. Try not to think about him or them (him and her). Try to focus on YOU. They don’t deserve your energy and time. Let them work on their own problems and you on yours. “Feeling Guilty” ? Nope. My mm would cheat in a nano second if he knew he’d have great sex and that he would not get caught. Many married men have the same behavior in their affairs.. And thats exactly what I provided for him. By being “quiet” I actually helped him lie. Now the thought of him makes me ill in fact. He is a liar and a cheat and I seriously doubt he is repentant as that is not his personality. He is all about “Live for Now”! G-A-G…. He will never feel truly guilty.

      • Heartbroken

        Dear Lara,
        Thank you for your kind words. You are so brave. This is just what I needed to hear now when my tears won’t stop. My mm would cheat in nano second too for good sex and if he knew he won’t get caught. He actually told me a few times that he believes in living in the moment. Hurts badly but I feel free. I am hoping to repair my broken marriage. Never thought I’ll be in this position. I hope and pray we all find happiness. Xoxo

  • J

    I’m so very hurt, any words would help. I trusted my mm time and time again, it’s been almost 2 years, even though he disappointed me over and over. A few weeks ago I told him I couldn’t continue, he admitted to not putting much effort in anymore in making me happy. I told him I don’t want to ever be intimate again. Well this seemed to reinvigorate his desire to get me back again. He was super sweet and was back to his old self that he was for the first year of our relationship. Told me of his true desire to just be in a relationship with me, convinced me to be with him again intimately, told me how I’m his true love. A few days later my husband saw us working out together. I said lets just come out and be truthful. Well he decided this gave him so much guilt he can’t continue anymore. Wouldn’t even admit if he loves me anymore. But he wants to be go on seeing each other as friends. I’m so hurt. I truly believe he’s my soulmate. I risked everything for this man and I love him so much. We had a real connection and did everything together. He was my whole life, my best friend and my love. I don’t know how to stop my real love. But I’m so confused, how could he end us? I want to get divorced anyway because my heart loves someone else, but I know I won’t be with my mm. I’m an honest person and just want to live in truth. He said he needs to try to work on his marriage one more time. But if he loved her, he wouldn’t have been with me for 2 years. It kills me to think of him working on things with her. But I’m sure it won’t work as it hasn’t in years. Plus, if you’re in love with someone else, how can you work on your marriage?! Do I be his friend? Sorry I’m all over the place, I’m just so hurt its hard to even think clearly.

    • Lara

      Hi J
      I am so sorry for your hurt and confusion. I doubt anything I can say will make you feel better but I do feel you. It seems like he does not want to lose the sexual intimacy part he has with you. But he cant seem to make a practical move to be with you in reality. The guilt he feels means partly that he has not processed what he has been involved in with you. I definitely do not think you can be friends with him. I also think mean and women often have different definitions for “love” means to them. I would not rush into a divorce until you have had a chance to really settle yourself with this affair partner. I say all this from experience. L.

    • Nomad

      Hi J,

      I’ve gone through countless cycles of reinvigorating his desire to get me back and very quickly after I gave us another try, he would retreat, it’s either he’s busy at work or guilt but it’s no longer me, not even 5mins a day and totally out of sight and out of mind after office hours and the moment he’s home. Things have plummeted very quickly (also accelerated by me and my cold turkey treatment to end us) and he said in reality, we have so much to struggle in our daily lives, guilt & fear sank in and snowball, so when the oxytocin wore off after the initial 6mths, he was able to switch between reality and fantasy. Unknowingly and seamlessly, he trained me to settle for his crumbs, l thought I hit the rock bottom last wk when he went MIA for righteous reasons like busy or neglected his family (I may not come next in line after them). Busy is a lamer excuse than guilty to face innocent pple at home. The best he did was to text me “gm b” and that’s all for that day. I had to find an excuse for him that that his way of letting me know he missed me, how pathetic! Anyway, enough is enough, he has already starved me to near death. I blew up and told him to fuck off for real this time since he couldn’t do much to keep me by his side, except sex on demand and at his convenience. Then disappeared for few days to manage his guilt.

      I thought I’ve hit the rock bottom!!! But after 7 days of NC, I’m
      fighting so hard not to think of him. It seems like he has successfully morphed me into settling for less and immune to the pain of holding on, waiting, wasting. I’m so worried that couldn’t grief enough of losing him forever. It’s too dragging and draining. Can anyone who has successfully let go and moved on please share some survival tips?

    • Needhelp

      I can identify with this. I told my mm on 3rd august it was over after he went on vacation with his wife. That was the final straw for me since he had only told me a couple of weeks previously how much he wanted to be with me, couldn’t bear to lose me and was going to sort his life out.

      Since this time he has gone through periods of sending me endless messages trying to get me back. It’s as if when they realise they have pushed you too far and risk losing you they suddenly want you more.
      I have noticed however that from all his messages there is not a single one that says ‘I’m sorry’. Nor is there a single one that says he intends to sort the situation with his wife. None. He just wants me back in my place where I was before.

      It’s hard sometimes because I had been starting to feel better but after a barrage of his messages I feel low again. I admit I replied to some of them but this was because I wanted him to know how angry I was, how much he humiliated me and how p*ssed off with this situation I am. It’s made me realise that recovery is not a linear process. Having Ups and downs is normal. What’s important is not caving in. I agree with Lara that it’s important to remember how crappy he has made you feel over the course of your relationship. I have had some serious lows in the last 5 years. The highs weren’t worth it. Because they weren’t really real.
      Sometimes it’s hard to admit to myself I wasted nearly 5 years waiting for a man who was never going to be mine. A man who wasn’t the perfect man I had made him out to be in my own head. Instead he’s a man that cheats and lies to his wife and has strung me along with false promises.

      What I need to do now is stop driving myself crazy trying to work out what is in his head and how he really feels because I will just never know. I also need stop listening to him when he says ‘you should have given me a bit longer’, ‘you didn’t trust me enough to wait ‘… Because I doubt I’m the only one on this site to have heard that. Its a ploy to sow that seed of doubt and make you wonder if you should have waited longer.

      It’s been 3 months now and I can see some positives. I no longer obsess about him on WhatsApp. I feel more appreciative of my family and friends. I feel I am starting to accept the idea of life without him. Im making plans for the future. I still can’t bear the thought of never speaking to him again but I’m sure I’ll get there. Just one day at a time. I’m trying to remember that although it may hurt some days at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel this way. Going back to him means no light. Only more hurt.

      Good luck to you all – I send you all virtual hugs ! X

  • Lara

    This site is really wonderful for all of us. I so love reading everyone’s words here. It brings me a great deal of comfort. I really have very little to add in general. I have told my story here already. “Thissitesavedmylife” really nailed it in turns of the physical and practical things that we can do (and need to do) when we are really ready to break it off. But we have to be ready. Working with someone who is an ex-affair partner (or having him work next door to your house…which is my case) makes it EXTRA hard.
    I broke it off for good Easter of this year but before that it was September of 2016 that I began to leave him…. (We had a bit of a “slip” over the holidays (Xmas 2016) but it was brief. He gave me a bigger gift than he had ever given me before and I accepted it. Then of course we had sex. But I still managed to pull away again but we were still communicating like we were still “together” via text/phone. I have known him for years and years….I am too embarassed to give the actual number…..we had an off again on again thing……Finally this spring I saw him walking hand in hand with his wife on my street in front of my house. I was like, “HUH????” That really did it for me. I never felt so pissed off and insulted and all that goes with it. I have made many breakups over the years with this guy (and I have dated other men) but this year I finally did it. Cut the cord with the man who was the love of my life. That is past tense now. WooHoo! I am finally sick of him and this whole never ending drama. So I blocked him went to therapy got anti-D’s and really I MADE IT! I cant believe it but I am STILL sick of him. He makes me ill and I am not attracted to him anymore. This is a first for me as in the past I would always go back to him. I had always thought he was my soulmate and my true love forever. But nope in fact he was married. DUHHHHH. However, unfortunately I still have to see him around as he works next door..(I mean I have a pretty good chance of walking out the door and he might be around with or without her or with friends…he is the restaurant business so there a lot of down time. Yesterday I was honestly thinking to move away (in my head) as this having him nearby thing makes this just really yucky for me. In fact I won my home 25 years and love my house and neighborhood. For his part he seems to act like he is just “fine”. Last night when I was walking home from an errand I saw him and his wife in his place of business. I crossed the street ahead of time to avoid him seeing me but he was practically hanging out the door to give me a big wave anyhow (like we are just old , good neighborhood friends) with his wife standing at his side. UGH. It was so bizarre. I found it balls-ie to be honest. How the hell can he pretend like I am just his old friend? I couldnt figure out why he was acting that way. Why not just ignore me as usual? Or run inside in the opposite direction like usual? I thought to myself “Is it because he is so well adjusted after me leaving the long term affair that we had that now he can casually wave to me with his wife standing right next to him?” “Or is he trying to make me feel really badly I gave him up and now look he is back with here?” Who the hell knows. These games make the proximity to these guys so hard. Working together after an must be even worse because your paycheck and career are on the line! Oh what sticky spiderwebs we weave with these men, often so seemingly unable to stop ourselves before we are too far gone.
    And oh I have paid the price a heavy heavy price. But I continue to be so sick of him and so sick of the whole thing that I have not gotten sucked in again. Hurrah! And I feel SO MUCH BETTER better than I though I ever would without him! ( I am single and in my late 50’s) Dont’t be afraid to get up and walk away ladies! If I can do it anyone can, I swear. Sending hugs and courage, L.

  • Imisshim

    I cannot believe how many women are in the same boat as I was/am. I am in tears reading through your stories, how could we let ourselves be in this situation?!! I was in a broken marriage when I met my MM online, we started out saying to each other that we’d see how things go, but no intentions to change anyone’s situation. Well my marriage came to the breaking point, irrespective of the MM and I got a divorced. I wanted to know for sure in my heart that I was leaving the marriage for my own good, and not for a rebound relationship, so I broke up with MM before asking for a divorce. The day we broke up, we confessed love to each other and cried like babies.. Well we couldn’t stand NC for even a day and we started talking and seeing each other again. He’s a sweet and kind to everyone, and we clicked so well from day one of talking to each other… We both couldn’t believe how fast we fell in love with each other, and it just got deeper by the day…He even tried to learn my language and would attempt to talk to me with his awkward pronunciation. It melted my heart how sweet and caring he was. Naturally, the more I love him, I started to get jealous of his wife. I could feel my heart in pain when he didn’t respond to my texts until late at night, or he would say he fell asleep.. my imagination got the best of me and I cried myself to sleep more frequently. He told me they’re grown apart from each other over time, and they’ve been together for a very long time already, but somehow they went with the marriage and just had a baby when I met him. They thought having kid would fiz the marriage but it didn’t work out that way. Regardless, I could not bear the pain and jealousy I felt everyday, so I ended with him last week. It’s been a week of NC and I feel like I’m dying inside.. I cry everyday thinking of him on my long commute to work.. I still remember his words the day we broke up, how he wanted to go everywhere together, to have me meet his fam and friends, and to meet my family.. We both cried hard the whole time. I know its hard for him bc his baby is still very small, and I do know and feel in my heart that he loves me.. I love him dearly and never met someone I could connect so well emotionally, intellectually, and physically. I’m hurt so much and I’m crying as I’m writing this, I know it’s the right thing for me to do, but god, this is killing me.. I miss him so much!! I will continue to follow this blog to stay strong, and to support all of you! Ladies, let’s create our own happiness instead of waiting for a committed man to make you happy! I hope all of us will find our own happiness and peace in our heart very soon.

  • Maria

    Knew MM for two years before anything happened. Had secret crush on him. Then we agreed to have sex and after that I fell head over heels for him. I’m divorced for four years, two teenage kids. He’s 10 years younger than I am and when our affair started his baby was one month old and the other one three years old. I’m 45 and he’s 36. The sex was amazing, I had never had such amazing sex before. My body was constantly happy. He was always very sweet, hugged me so much,couldn’t stop looking at my naked body, always told me he had never felt a connection like this with anyone before and had never had sex like he does with me. We spoke for hours on end about everything. He took me out publicly, held hands and kissed me in public. A couple of times we went out and did things that were new to me. I loved every experience and felt young and great to be with him. I took all this for love. It has been 11 months. I broke it off after 5 months because he made his whatsapp profile pic of the four of them. I couldn’t bear to see the wife in the pic even though he wasn’t even hugging her. I told him that I loved him but couldn’t handle it. He cried in front of me that day. A month later he called me on Mother’s Day to congratulate me and 5 days later I called him and told him I wanted to be back with him. Every time I’ve been with him has been absolutely amazing. But there are several things now that I haven’t liked. He makes plans with me to do stuff that I’ll enjoy but doesn’t set a date. The last straw was last week when we went out to dinner but he asked me to drive cause his truck was out of fuel. I drove and he paid for dinner and drinks but I felt really disappointed because now he didn’t want to pay for gas money to go out with me. I feel like he wants to spend the least amount of money possible to be with me. In the almost one year that our affair has lasted he’s only given me two low-cost gifts. He wrote me on Thursday saying that he’s helping a friend out with a difficult situation (friend’s getting divorced) and hasn’t been able to see me. He said he is dying to be with me, to hold me and to speak for hours like we always do. He said he really hasn’t been able to and that he feels anguish to not be able to see me. For the first time ever I didn’t respond his message. I have loved him so much during this year but I want to value myself more. It’s not like he was ever mine – I think it was more the idea of him in my head. He will never leave his wife and even if he did I’m not interested in being with some cheapskate. I have $$. I never ever paid for anything but didn’t like the incident of his truck with no fuel.

    I wrote all the above three weeks ago but never posted it….

    NC now for three weeks. I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. I don’t think he’ll try to make contact and I know I certainly won’t because now I’m putting myself first. I just don’t understand why I still feel so attracted to him??? Sex was amazing but for the year our affair lasted he was always very stingy, no presents, no surprises. He always listened to me and he was always very in tune with me during sex. He always made sure that I was satisfied and that I would come. I hadn’t been treated like this before during sex. The time spent with him was my high. But that was really it. I miss him so much and I don’t understand why as he was never really there for me. We only met up about twice a month – usually sex was involved and the whole time spent with him was amazing. The rest of the time was not very happy for me – waiting for him to text me or call me, waiting for him to set our next date together. Always waiting and getting really excited when I knew I would see him. I know I deserve someone who will be there for me ALL the time, not just twice a month… and I still can’t stop thinking about MM. He called my BF last week (I met him through her and they’re still friends). He told her he bought new car and would have liked to show it to me. When she told me this I felt happy because he missed me – but I also think about what you ladies have written that we just get to listen to all their success stories but their successes are not for us, they are for his wife and his children. And here I sit thinking how he was stingy when it came to me, he told me he didn’t have any money – but just two weeks after NC he went and bought himself a new car. And after all this…please someone tell me why I still miss him so terribly.

    • Nomad

      Hi Maria,
      NC 4 days, I restarted after the hundredth time and each time thinking that I’ll be successful after 17 mths. This time could be because I got him to block me and deleted my no instead of me dogging it but failed each time after he found ways to sneak back yet didn’t treasure me, gave me crumbs despite me telling him explicitly I’m giving us another try, please don’t waste me. His excuse was busy and stressful at work. I retorted if it’s not work, it’s always his growing guilt, holding him back from texting me, meeting me after office hours. No more affection and attention.

      My story is very much similar to yours as in “Sex was amazing, eager to satisfy me…stingy, I paid for meals and he paid for room, rarely any present and surprises except 1 song he wrote on my birthday, hadn’t been treated like this before during sex. Same here, I miss him so much and I don’t understand why as he was never really there for me. We only met up about twice a month – usually for biological needs. The rest of the time was not very happy for me – waiting for him to text me or call me, waiting for him to set our next date together. Always waiting and getting really excited when I knew I would see him. Otherwise, insomnia, jealousy and insecurities will attack me.

      Last straw was, he buried himself into work, was fine when we didn’t meet or connect for 1wk, he said that’s his way of managing guilt. I blew up! He then met me. Even in the room, he didn’t want to enter me due to the guilt that it’s a wkday and he needed to help with chores and kids. But chores and
      Kids had always been there since day1. If he’s sick of me, then be a man, let go and break up clean.

      I was devastated when I saw his work calendar that he 2 weeks leave in dec, going overseas with family. I waited fir him to tell me, he didn’t. I asked him and he said it’s the annual getaway and bond with kids. This happened last dec too but back then he would bother to assure me and he was anxious abt my feelings and would text me whenever there WiFi, even text me in toilet. But after he returned, he was cold towards me and things started to dwindle. He explained it was guilt and he enjoyed his family time so much that he’s afraid of losing them. This time, he nonchalantly admitted that he evolved and wanted to fully immerse in the time spent with family , sort of setting my expectations that he would cast me aside. I was further stabbed when I learnt that he had to clear 4 days of leave but he has no intention to plan it for me and with me. So what’s there left when we aren’t texting, lunching , busy during office hours, no plans to meet??!

      So last sat, I told him not to torture me anymore, if it’s not busy, it’s guilt, it’ll never be me. Don’t come back just to starve me and throw me crumbs, lesser and lesser. Why haven’t I grown sick of him? I told him I felt used like a convenience store, how could he have the heart to hurt me like this? To see me living in misery, neglecting my own family and not functioning at work at home. I cried and he saw. He he then agreed that he will help and end it. He admitted he was greedy and selfish and addicted. But it’s never a question of choosing between kids and me, I’m far from being a piece of jigsaw to complete his life. He assumed the rule of our game is implicit.

      Will I be able to let go And move on from here? I’ve no confidence.

      • Lara

        Nomad I know how you feel, I really do unfortunately.
        The only way you can ever move on from something like this is is when you have had enough of this treatment. I think we all might have to reach some sort of bottom with what is really really awful behavior towards us on the part of these guys. Think about addiction and what it takes for people to finally want to stop drinking using etc. They have to reach a bottom first. One of the always I helped myself was I started journaling my feelings toward him even when I was still with him. And I wrote down what REALLY happened. That way he could not whitewash the truth like he is so very good at doing. And I wrote down all my horrible dreams. I still have all this stuff on my computer, the fights and break ups and the bad stuff is all down in words. I force myself whenever I have a momentary longing to go back to him, to read my words and I am astounded at how badly I let him treat me. I really punished myself over adn over again trying to stay with him and always patch things up. The question is why did I do that? When I finally got a view of what I was allowing to happen to ME I was so ashamed I could do this to my won self. I decided I could no longer put him number one in my life. I had to put ME number one in my life. Get a pretty picture of yourself when you were little and tape it on your bathroom mirror and look at it a LOT and ask yourself, did this beautiful girl ever deserve all crappy treatment? Ask yourself: When did it become okay for her to absorb all this pain and drama from a disloyal and still married man? This might help. I can say it does help me.

        • Nomad

          Hi Lara,
          Hugs….I thought I’ve hit the rock bottom and hysterically drove him out of my life, warned him don’t try to contact me ever, avoid me as much as possible at work, don’t call my desk line which is the only thing I couldn’t block, don’t ever use me like a convenience store, don’t bother to manage guilt when sex ain’t worth that risk and mental torture, just quit the addiction for good, reborn and get rid of all guilt, especially when wife knows nothing yet!

          After one week of absolute zero contact, this time he actually gave up! I should be celebrating my freedom and excited to compensate my time wasted on him. I wrote down all the negatives about him to remind myself, including the lies he told, playing me out on dates because of guilt, half hearted and reduced connection because of guilt, started to make up to his wife, even planning to take leave to celebrate her birthday which he didn’t do before the affair, resentment towards her was dissolved by the guilt I’ve planted in him, making attempts to show concerns and hold her hand, relieving her from chores etc.

          I began to obsess over his life with her. What were they doing? Where were they going? Was he having more fun with her than with me? What was so great about her anyway? Has he made love to her yet? That’s why he no longer needs me? Is he relieved to have gotten rid of me so that he’s peaceful and resolved? All these thoughts are driving me crazy. I’m in denial, the truth is that I still bear hope!!! Then next moment I could rationally thank him for being so cooperative this time by stop coming back.

          This is not right, I miss him much more after 7 days of nc…

    • Lara

      Hi Maria
      I so related to what you said about the money. My guy was like that too. But always buying presents for his wife to keep her happy! I used to think it was because he felt so guilty about cheating on her but the truth was he was treating me like the “unnecessary expense” one. Stingy. UGH. It make you feel awful right? I really get that part. You ask why you miss him? Well the sex sounds great so I take it you miss him because sex like that produces powerful chemicals in our bodies! Sex feels like a high and when it is gone we have to expect that we are going to miss it. Affair sex is almost always passionate, magical, intense, all-in, etc….read all the stories here. It is a big reason we get involved and then stay involved with unavailable people in the first place…because we love how it feels to be with them! And next we equate those feelings with the real deal: LOVE! But too often we have been duped. These men have been extra sure to make us happy sexually because they know they are not giving us much of anything else. And we grovel for the other (tiny) gifts that come our way. But they never plan to really take care of us in the ways that count the most: emotionally and psychologically. They often stay with us because we are fairly cheap and steady great sex when you think about it! They are not stupid. But we are! But we can get OUT and stay OUT! Then we have the final power back in our hands. 🙂

  • Holly

    I’m not young but young when it comes to technology I’m antiquit . I’m 35 and pretty computer illiterate. I have been reading these comments for a awhile now and they are so inspiring, i want to be a part of his blog.I’m in counseling and taking antidepressants. I really am trying.
    i am a really open person, so people say. i wait to break down and struggle so i can’t cause more pain with my situation in private.

  • Felk

    I feel at such a loss and am looking for any words of wisdom from any other ladies on here. My MM and I were together for almost 5 years. I am married, too. My MM and I work together. He ended it about a month ago, after making it clear that it was just too hard to keep separating our relationship from his marriage (and kids). Neither one of us ever promised to leave our spouses. We talked vaguely of hope that, one day, we might be together, just us, but I don’t think either one of us ever expected that. So, it’s not that I feel he broke any promises. I mostly understand that it simply got too hard for him to maintain the lies and guilt. And he also said that it was simply feeling too awful, every day, being apart from me and not being able to be together (and it was affecting him at home and hurting his marriage). How can I blame him for not wanting to ruin his marriage? I was trying not to ruin mine, too. When our affair started, we were both happy in our marriages. But, of course, over time, we grew closer and closer where we started to pull away from our spouses. He started wanting more and more with us. I wanted that, too. And this is what became unbearable for him. He said he started feeling a constant tension at home. He started feeling like he didn’t want to leave me to go do things with his kids. And then he started feeling terrible for feeling that. I don’t blame him for not wanting to endure that, and I can only respect him for choosing his family. I would have loved for him to be able to keep “dating” me, but I believe him when he said he was worn out. That it just wasn’t working for him anymore. Problem is… it was still working for me. When he ended it a month ago, he was clear that he was still in love with me. He was also clear that he still thought I was better for him than his wife, but he simply did not want the difficulty of maintaining an affair anymore. So, how do I get over him? I haven’t ripped the bandaid off. He’s doing much better than I with reducing contact (although I’ve reduced contact, too). In the month since the break-up, we’ve spent some time alone together talking about it all and then some time alone together hanging out trying to enjoy our friendship. During those times, I think it will all be okay, but then the next day, when I realize, once again, we are over and I don’t know when I’ll get alone time with him again, it is misery. I spend almost all day every day thinking about him, wondering how we can get back to the friendship we had (before the affair started), and wondering if he misses me as much as I miss him. I ache nearly all day. I want to try to refocus on my marriage (and my husband is great), but I feel overwhelmed with sadness and like I have no space for anything else right now. I want to try to reduce contact even more (although I can’t make it zero since we work together), but I miss him so much and I find it hard to not find ways to talk to him here and there at work, just to make myself feel better for just a moment. I know I need to get over him. I know I need to stop hoping he will beg me to come back to him. I just don’t know how to do it. Help.

    • Thissitesavedmylife

      Hi, I read your story and felt the need to write. Mine too is at work which makes the no contact rule not quite so straightforward. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Remember this too shall pass. Perhaps look at this at this as a learning experience. Growth often does not come without pain. What have you learned about yourself here? Do you need to work on self-love and self-esteem? What’s happening at home that needs your energy? How can you improve your current relationship? Here is my advice and what I’m currently doing to move on forever. Resolve to look forward and let go. No convos, IM, email, phone calls, coffee, texts, alone time outside of professional subject matter with this man. If he tries to be friendly be polite but firm. Wish him a great day and tell him you can’t talk and appreciate him honoring your wishes. Treat this like an addiction. You can’t have a little of a drug bc it’s an all or nothing proposition. Either you’re using or you’re not. Very rarely do I believe in black and white but here is the exception. Do not go back bc you will have to start this process all over again. Pray, meditate, use positive affirmations, go to therapy, work on self-improvement. Invest your time and attention into your current relationship and family. Do not lean on him for comfort. Think of his wife and family. They deserve 100% of his love and you’re giving them such a wonderful gift by leaving him alone. Be honest with yourself. You can’t be friends and while that’s a painful pill to swallow, it’s the reality. You are giving yourself the best gift of all. There is no future here. It’s all fantasy and happiness is wanting what you have. Happiness is reality and not fantasy. This is just fantasy. One day at a time. We can all conquer this mess.

      • Felk

        Appreciate the responses. You say wise things about recognizing that his choice (to go back to his family) was good and that I cannot fault him for wanting to give them 100%. And I don’t. I take comfort in knowing that he made a choice that put his kids first. I miss him and us, but he was becoming miserable trying to separate his two lives and it was impacting his family (and our relationship). I think about how it’s mainly women on here writing about the difficulty we’ve had in ending our relationships with MM, but I figure he’s feeling a lot of the same things we’re writing about here. I’m not saying every situation on here is like mine, but it’s not just wishful thinking to believe that our MM are caring, loving people (just like us) who made a bad decision to cheat and then got swept up in it all, too. Just as we found it hard to quit our MM, they found it hard to quit us. My MM made a hard decision (to end us). We had five darn good years, and, sure, he was selfish and unfair to his wife and family. I’m not saying he’s a saint. But I’m not either. I made selfish choices and was unfair to my husband as well. I don’t know if it will help others, but it has helped me to see this all from his perspective, too.

        It’s now been just over a month since we ended our affair. I’m feeling a lot better. It’s still not great, as you all know. I’m still sad, and I still miss him and us. But it’s no longer overwhelming me. I’m no longer consumed about what is no longer. I have moments (okay, hours) where I’m distracted by what used to be, but it is no longer all day long. What’s helped me is to think about what I do have (my husband and my marriage), and to write about it. Writing about what’s good in my marriage and with my husband has helped distract me from my ex. I’ve also started trying to (very slowly) build closeness with my husband again. It’s been helpful to focus on something other than my ex. It’s helped me to think about what wasn’t working in my affair and recognize why he ended it. And if you’re honest with yourself, you know what the problems were and why it didn’t work. Write them down. Read it to yourself over and over. You didn’t work for a reason. And it was helpful to put some distance between us. Immediately after the break up, we were trying to be normal. We still had lunch or went for drinks, and that made it worse for sure. I wasn’t ready (and he wasn’t ready), and, while it felt good when we were together, when we parted it just made it harder (to accept it was really over). So, we went a week with none of that (and very low contact). That helped a lot. And, yes, it’s helped to know that he and I are still friends. I know that doesn’t work for most people, but he and I work together, and we started as good friends and I can’t imagine not being friends with him (and it seems he feels the same way). I really don’t want to make it sound easy. I struggled this morning at work, knowing I would see him and not be able to go to him as I used to. But, as best I could, I tried to not think about what he was doing and whether he was thinking about me and all those other dangerous thoughts. I just did my work and thought about going home to my husband and other things I wanted to do tonight. And it worked (well enough).

          • Felk

            Hey Nomad, I really don’t know if he’ll come back to me. It’s honest to say I still think about (and want) that, but it’s also honest to say that I don’t expect it. I trust that he meant it when he ended our relationship. I know that he needed to end it. You ask how he could bear to let go, but he’s doing it for his family. And he’s doing it for himself. Being together five years, obviously we grew very close, and I know our relationship was affecting his marriage. I think it got to a point for him that if he and I couldn’t be together, he couldn’t keep feeling miserable at home about us not being together. It was hurting his family. So, how could he bear to let go? I know he struggled and he’s still struggling. Just a few weeks ago (and the last time we talked about “us”), he told me that he still feels it every day. I think it will be hard for both of us for a while. But, I have to trust that he ended our relationship because that was the best decision for him. So, will he come back to me? It’s possible I guess, but I’m not going to try to make that happen. I’m going to try to give us the distance and space we need right now. As you know, he and I are still friends (and we work together) so it’s rough to give as much space as we need, but we’re managing and time is healing. Some days are harder than others, but I can feel myself moving on and being okay with it all slowly. It is so very hard to simply wait for time to heal, but it will. Especially if you give yourself that space, if you recognize why your relationship ended, and if you start to focus on other things (whether that’s yourself, your friends, your family, or new relationships).

    • Screwloose

      I think we can all agree it’s not easy . All of us have similar yet different stories . The one thing that I have noticed in each story is it appears to be easier for the men to move on. My situation is only similar to yours in the way we were both married. Yours you know loved you mine I want to believe he did but I also believe there is many more now and mine was abusive verbally at the end. Everything I have read says to move on you need to cut off all contact. Does that help. Probaly. I still cry , wonder and question every day but I’m forced to move on. I’m not sure how you are gonna move on while seeing him everyday. I think these situations change us forever. What I’ve started trying to do is look inside myself and figure out why I felt I did this . What I need to change in me to move on. Like you my husband is great too. I was alway plaqued with guilt yet my need for the other was so strong. Besides the fact that. My MM won’t talk to me anymore what I focus on is the pain. I don’t want my husband and kids to feel this kind of pain which they would if I got caught or left. I pray a lot too. For strength and forgiveness.

  • Kris

    Dear Laurie,

    I’m so grateful that i found your website with all those beautiful tipps, thank you so much for those beautiful words it really helped me to see things more positive. God bless you.

    Maybe it’s not important but i would like to write here about my story that hurts me in the last months… i never wrote comments but here i will. So the last two years i was in my free time with a guy and it was the frist time i felt like someone is like me… even if our life’s are so different. But i felt a deep connection, it’s the first time i had a friend ( he was like a friend plus) we had the same religion and first time i find for myself out how much It means and was connecting us.

    So i spend two years with this guy and our relationship was like that between a girl and boyfriend but he told me once that we can’t be together because he’s that one i need in my life.. ( I’m a really young mother of a son) but we didn’t stop going on that way… i was in hope and thought this was something so great and i felt so much love for him like i never did for a man. He was like my best friend and lover and i thought he knows that it’s something so good we had.

    And then was a time he was really busy because of work and we couldn’t see us. So when he was free he went to visit his mum or brother (they live in another city) and i was like always why you don’t have time for me… and then he said we can’t go on like this he likes me so much and I’m very important for him, but he won’t be forever in my city and we should stay normal friends. That was really hard for me but the hardest was when he was in nyc for a short time (2weeks because of work) and posted some new pics on the internet with a new girl. I think he’s in love with her now i could see it in the pic…( he wanted always to move to nyc). I’m asking myself how things can change so far… once i was that one he was crazy for, he was Often talking about future and us and then it was so easy for him to find someone new to fell in love with… since I’ve seen this pic i didn’t contact him anymore it’s like he’s gone (ok after 2 months i was writing him but just to know how he is). He wanted to be my friend but not in that way he was and i couldn’t play that one for him because i could never see him just as a friend. I miss him and those times but i hope god has planned something better for me.

    In love K.

    • Michelle

      Hi,
      I’m new to this. I feel like I’m dying and really need someone to talk to who understands what I’m going through. I Became involved with a MM that I work with a couple months ago. I know I should have just walked away when he told me he was married, which is what I tried to do but he just kept pursuing me. I was vulnerable and very lonely and I’m sure he could sense that so it was easy for him to get what he wanted from me. We started out as ‘friends’ but it quickly became much more and now I’m extremely hurt and alone again. Not knowing what to do. I still have to work with this man. We both just started with the company. This is so messed up.

      • Thissitesavedmylife

        Hi Michelle
        I too work with my mm. I’m sorry, I actually report to him so you can imagine how that complicates matters. You have only been involved for a couple months so please please please spare yourself and walk away now. I too accepted the flirting bc I was lonely, hadn’t felt such strong chemistry in awhile and felt vulnerable due to emptiness inside. I suspect a lot of us ladies are feeling empty hence we enter into relationships that mirror what we feel on the inside. Damn that self-fulfilling prophecy. Your relationship is new and you haven’t become too emotionally attached (just an assumption based on length of time together). You’ll only feel lonelier and more hurt than you felt before he came into your life romantically. I would tell him you met someone and you want to give this new relationship 100% of your attention. Lie and spare yourself any further pain. I tried to get out numerous times but never used an airtight reason. If you try to rationalize and use your moral compass as an out they’ll just manipulate you into coming back. Mine used every trick in the book and it worked sadly. Time is precious and now you’ve gotten a taste of the burn. It’ll only get worse. Don’t be fooled by the honeymoon phase. Go out and date and work on yourself. Although I wish I had never started this tryst I will say I’ve made some really positive changes in my life. Eliminating the affair is the last big positive change on my goal list in the near future. Of course self-improvement is a path and not a destination. I’ve reached the year mark with my mm and have to draw a line in the sand. I wish you all the best! Please read as many stories on this site as you can. We all tell the same story with slight nuances. Sadly, what is helping me to stay strong is the thought of him not having his emotional support system (i.e. me) around anymore.

  • Aria

    Hi

    One year a go I cut my relationship with my married man and I was so Brocken so sad and depressed. I was shaterd and I spend my days crying, wishing for death to free me from all the pain and sorrow I was going through. I wrote here and talk to others and I was wondering why there isn’t any of us who wrote about her success after those days to be a hope for others cause I couldn’t believe good days will come so I said to my self I will be that one. And now I’m here promising you it will pass. Yes. Slowly and full of pain but you will be fine again you will find love. Don’t give up on your desicion.

    • ImFinallyDone

      Thank you for this aria…trust me I believe it will get better!! I think I finally reached the point where I don’t wanna speak to him ever again..I wanted to be his friend…but it’s not working the way I thought it would…

    • Screwloose

      Aria you are right I have not seen really much saying all is better. It has been only a month for me after many months of going a week, then two . Idk finally something clicked in me . I honestly don’t want anything to do with him. I can listen to our song without crying which was impossible before. I think what helped me was a male friend told me I was a game he is done also he don’t care and nothing I said or did would change that. I read that over and over day after day and started looking back at our relationship and thought maybe that is what it was . A game to him I know he lied about his marriage . So yes it does get better and believe me when I say I cried everyday day for months . There were days I thought I was never gonna get through this . And I did . I don’t want to be his friend . I don’t want to talk to him . I don’t wish bad on him. I just don’t want anything to do with him. I deserve better. It feels like that relationship never was.so stay strong you will get through but it isn’t easy.

  • Needhelp

    So it’s now 55 days of nc and some other thoughts have been on my mind today…
    After 4 1/2 years i have never seen my mm on my birthday. He’s sent me flowers but not wrote a card obviously… I’ve never seen him on his birthday either. Nor have I seen him at Christmas or any other special occassion.

    I’ve never been away anywhere with him. I’ve spent two nights with him in 4 1/2 years.

    I’ve not met any of his family or friends. He has not met mine.

    He’s been to my house but not for more than 3 hours or so at a time. I’ve never been to his house obviously.

    Do we even know each other?

    We have no relationship. It’s all fantasy, BS, call it what you want… Speaking on the phone and texting is NOT a relationship.

    If I were in a situation where I was married and seeing a single guy, would I expect him to hang around for 4 1/2 years whilst I stayed with my husband.. ? Making promises about leaving that never amounted to anything? Never seeing him on his birthday? Would I expect him to be ok with me going on vacation with my husband every year while he stayed at home on his own? Would I have any respect for that man??? I don’t think I would…

    How would I feel if he stood up to me and told me he had had enough of my false promises and that he deserved to be treated better and not to contact him again whilst ever I was still in a relationship with someone else? I’d probably respect him more. I’d probably think I’d just let a good man slip through my fingers….

    • Thissitesavedmylife

      Excellent points! I’m writing this down in my journal and will return to it when I feel weak. How can we expect to garner respect when we’re not respecting ourselves by staying true to what we need and deserve? This is awesome and I truly appreciate every beautiful, remarkable women that has posted on this site. You have saved more people than you realize.

    • Imisshimstill

      Wow… eye opening points you made! I will keep referring back to them to help me stay strong through my NC period and healing process.. thank you so much!!

  • Needhelp

    After 53 days of nc on my side something else has occurred to me: how would I have felt if he had left his wife for me?
    Actually not great… As much as I wanted him, if I am truly honest with myself I think I would have had an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. That feeling that tells you you can’t really trust him. I know what he is capable of because he has cheated on his wife for over 4 years with me. Do I really think that was a one off which he would never repeat again? Probably not… As much as I’d like to think we had something special i know it would have always been there in the back of my mind. And these things have a habit of eating into you.
    These relationships are just poisonous whichever way they go. Better to get out now. I’m sick to death of his disfunctional relationships and no longer want the drama, highs and crashing lows of it all. I honestly think he has no comprehension of how badly he has hurt me and messed with my head. But that’s because his own head is too far up his own a*s. ..!

    • Screwloose

      Those exact feelings were cause of many argument so with me and my MM. Initially I trusted him completley believed everything he said . He loves me .Doesnt touch his wife until one day I was looking at comments on his face book and there was someone new. He had been traveling with work and it was a bartender from the restaurant he ate at a lot. He said all they did was talk . Idk about you all but I just don’t become Facebook friends with random people. That’s when all the mistrust started and all the arguing . That is was a year ago. I just never trusted him after that . He even unfriended me on FB because he said I was to jealous of innocent comments. Well when your the other woman you know mostly the comments aren’t innocent. I have had random contact with him over the last past 3 months . Mostly me crying and asking why he has become so mean and what happened to the guy he was with me. I finally blocked him 2 weeks ago. Best thing I did for my healing is tell my mom. She points out lots of things to me. Reading these helps to knowing I’m not alone. And I stopped looking at his pictures on line. Today was actually the first day in 3 months I haven’t cried. Hopefully I can continue to heal and learn from this . And all of you do too

      • ImFinallyDone

        I hope he gets caught….it’s unfair for them to move on…and we sit here in pain….I hate this strong hold they have on us….you should send those messages you saw on FB to his wife…

  • InWaiting

    Hi ladies,
    All your stories are so relevant to my own. I was wondering about one thing. I am not sure why sex is so good with a MM, is it because it’s a high-and-down relationship, so you get a better release in bed? And I am curious if any of you tried to have only a sexual relationship with your MM? For example meet sometimes just for the physical pleasure and nothing else. Would this work? (I am thinking about myself, not sure if I would like to go that direction. Any advices are welcome).

    • NeverAgain

      Unfortunately for me, I have to have an emotional connection with someone before I can have sex with him. This is why when we first started seeing each other it was fun. We knew each other, same friends, etc. so knowing him and his quirks was fun, he was one of those guys that can always make you laugh so hard you’re crying. For example, he was the kid in school that could get you in trouble. But it got carried away when after about 8-9 months we were on this outing and he ended up coming back to my place-I had a house and no one, so it was easy, especially for him. OMG! The sex!! I couldn’t get enough! I felt I was reborn. So, no not for me. I always hated that term “Friends with benefits”….also he gets the benefits and you are left feeling miserable after he goes home to wifey. How many times have you cried after he left? Now I’d rather have a toy and not the heartache.

      • InWaiting

        Thank you NeverAgain for your input. Yes, I am the same way, I can only have sex when I have feelings for a man. Specially great sex. And I was thinking that even I do have feelings for MM, maybe I can somehow treat it just for my own pleasure? I am not sure if it’s doable though… It’s just tough to be alone and it may take long time before I meet someone and develop feelings for him. Maybe I can train my brain to just have a great time with the MM and nothing else?

  • NeverAgain!

    Hi everyone,
    Well my MM and I were acquaintances for quite a while when he started working with me. At 1st I thought he was little goofy but then he came across as actually very charming (and really cute!) and I knew he was married but I convinced myself he was probaby unhappy. I thought we could just be friends but I didn’t realize it would turn into something like what I have read here on the forum, but it did like everybody else’s. I do have to say that I was part of the blame too. I’ve been cheated on 2 times in my life so I kept telling myself that I didn’t know his wife and I never wanted to know anything about her so I couldn’t hurt her. But anyway as the years went on the tears flowed freely, no public displays of affection, no holidays with him, no vacations, no time with him with my family, 1000’s of breakups and NC, asking him why he wouldn’t end it. The tears and heartache. Friends and family thinking you’re crazy for giving your life up for a married man, it’s really very unhealthy.
    The unfortunate thing is that it went on for 10 years and that’s when I drew the line and finally told him that it was over. I had wasted 10 years of my life waiting for somebody to tell me what to do with mine. However I was pretty busy with my business to even notice…. I broke up with him well over a year ago and lucky for me I got sick at the time with breast cancer too. God’s cruelest punishment. So that was my way out of the relationship and my way of pushing him away. It took every ounce of my strength to not reach out to him. I told him that I did not want him to be subjected to what I was going through. He took that so well that I was shocked that he could walk away so easily.
    So now we’ve only been in touch through text and emails because of work (why is it always work related?!) but have seen each other 2 times once for lunch and the last time (2 months ago) was when we fell back into bed together again. I think I needed that because it showed me it truly was over.
    So he texts me today and says he misses me (uh huh…). I’m not feeling much for him anymore except sadness, so I look for some inspiration on the Internet to tell him that it’s truly over. And I find this wonderful forum! So I told him “I do miss you too or miss what we had but I think it’s done. Taken a long time but we knew all along what it was…” I have a wealth of information on how to get through it and yes it does take a lot of alcohol, tears and friends who will listen!
    Anyway, thanks for letting me purge. I’ve been on here for over 4 hours reading posts. Good luck to you all!

    • Feeling Lost

      It’s been 5 months since I’ve heard from him and I still feel pain every day! His wife was dx with breast cancer and he said he had to end it because the guilt was too much and her cancer brought things into perspective for him. We are no longer friends on any social media. Reading your post helped me today. Thank you. We were together for nine years and he said two months before she found out she had cancer that we would never be apart. I, too, am married so very few people know and I have minimal support to help me through this.

      I won’t sugar coat it at all…the last 5 months have been incredibly difficult and painful. Every single day, I feel pain! But this forum has helped a lot. Thanks again for sharing your experience.

      • J

        Feeling lost,
        I can feel your pain. My mm’s wife was also diagnosed with breast cancer. He said he still couldn’t let me go because he loves me too much. Told me that when she’s recovered he’s leaving her. But then the guilt got to him and he said he’s not sure he can ever leave her now, even though he acknowledges that he’s in love with me. We still haven’t broken things off. I try to distance myself but then I miss him so much it kills me. His moods constantly fluctuate, he needs me he says. He says he can’t let me go. But our time has become so limited. It’s horrible for me. I really love him but think I’ve reached my limit. Today he said that now that her radiation is finishing he needs to help her get healthy. Even more time away from me. I just don’t think I can handle anymore. It’s a terrible terrible awful situation. I’m tortured with him but I’m tortured without him too. No win. I wish I knew then what I know now. I need help to get through this but I can’t talk to anyone.

  • J

    I’ve been reading everyone’s comments and they definitely help me everyday. I’m at that point where I’m asking myself what is really in this for me? It’s not enjoyable anymore, it’s actually horrible. Completely horrible. The time we used to spend together has almost vanished all but the few crumbs he throws at me when he instinctively can tell how tired I am of it all. The man he used to be who would do anything for me and take risks for me is gone too. We can’t do anything. And I’m supposed to sit around waiting for him to come home from the beach or kayaking or his anniversary dinner??? All for what? I’m not getting anything. He’s the only one gaining because he has me when he wants and he’s a loving husband too. I’m on the losing end no matter what, and I’m young and could get someone else if I wanted. I don’t even know if I love him anymore. The constant hurt had made me turn cold to him.

    • NeverAgain!

      Hi J, yes it does get mundane after awhile. What do they say about insanity? The definition is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. That’s us to a T! I am on the other side of that relationship but I’m still alone and single So I can’t say I’m happy-happier than before tho. But at least I’m not waiting for him to give me a call or text and a crumb. Good luck and hang in there and do everything you can to run, RUN as fast as you can to get away!!

    • Needhelp

      Hi J,
      No you are definitely not supposed to sit around waiting for him whilst he gets on with his life. This is the thing with MM, they want it both ways and they seem to have a talent for making us feel bad or guilty if we dont let them get it!
      It’s been 53 days of nc for me now and what I have realised in that time is my MM has been doing exactly that – having it both ways for the 4+ years we have been seeing each other. Saying he wants to be with me and then giving me some ‘poor me’ story about why it is sooo hard for him and he is in SUCH a difficult position blah blah blah. It’s all BS at the end of the day. He will still be with his wife now even though he has texted and called me a few times (to which I’ve managed to not reply). He’s just trying to lure me back in. Well I’m not going there again. It’s true that if you keep doing the same thing you will always get the same outcome. Being understanding of his so-called situation has got me no where. As much as I sometimes feel lonely I know I am better off on my own. At least I am giving myself the possibility of meeting a decent man in the future instead of wasting my time having the life sucked out of me by a man who truly does not deserve me. I’ve realised I am too good for him. It’s quite funny really when I think of all the time I’ve wasted desperately wanting him to pick me and being so incredibly jealous of his wife because she has got what I want. Why??? The man is nothing but a convincing liar and a cheat. I deserve so much better than that. So do you. So do all of us.
      It’s hard sometimes but I need to keep going to get through this. I look forward to the day I can look back on this whole sorry mess and think ‘wtf was I thinking?!!!!’ xxx

  • Hurt

    So i comment a long time ago but things got “better” but now need to end it for good. The short story, we were friends in highschool, then reconnected later. We were just friends for 2 years he tried to kiss me,I turned away but then it started. He had been married for 5 years. It was casual still friends but some benefits. His wife got pregnant after trying for a few years though the 8th IUI he had always said i hope it does not work and with all the IUI thought it never would. Well it worked and that was the first time I went NC, I was feeling better after 2 weeks but of course he contacted me :(. We started again slowly more friends this time with a bit of on the side stuff but not like before and I was good with that. Well the Baby came and I know I need to end this. He says he will make time for me but i know it needs to end. H never expressed love openly about his Wife but now I see it in his face on the pictures of the baby. I need to go no contact but also feel I dont want to hurt his feelings. So I still dont have his number in my phone from last NC but he has texted me so its there need strength to delete it. I am sad I have to do this he is a friend I have a shoulder to cry on and has helped me through a lot. I wish that my first reaction to that kiss so long ago was what I did and then my heart would npt be breaking. Please help me with the strength to get away!!!

    • Lara

      Hurt, RUN don’t walk away from this. It is toxic for you. Read the stories here. No matter what your feelings are, “love” is never enough when there is a wife involved and now a baby! You will only fall down lower and lower in this situation. It is life-sucking and utterly depressing to be a mistress. Take care of YOU number one! Sendng hugs, L.

      • NeverAgain!

        I agree with Lara! Leave and don’t look back! As hard as it is it does get better! My MM had grown children and grandchildren and still would not leave his. You are better than this, remember that!

        • Hurt

          Thank you both. I just need to keep telling my self get away. This last week has been easier then most. He has contacted me a few times but i just don’t reply and he is so pre occupied with his other life that he has not contacted me as much as normal and I have no desire to contact him I am strong!! and I can do this for me!!!

      • Feeling Lost

        Lara,
        You said it better than anyone else can….it is life-sucking and utterly depressing to be a mistress. The highs are always great but only last a short period of time. Then you’re left alone and full of pain. Five months since we’ve spoken. Although I still feel pain every day, I am getting stronger. Anyone thinking of getting mixed up in an affair needs to RUN before they lose themselves to a painfully hopeless situation!!!

  • Lara

    Today my ex MM finally spoke to me. He was walking up the street and I was gardening and he said “hello”. Since he is a narcissist I call this a “hoover”. He probably planned this for awhile. He was “testing the waters as per usual. And this is how I go back to him after a wfew months or even a few years!! after being free of him for a long time. This was the same EXACT way we met twenty years ago. He was trying to get me to remeber this. It was a trap and I knew it this time. Me gardening and him passing by and stopping to say “hello” (In fact he was searching for an empath….a woman with kindess and sympathy and endless patience who would listen to his tales of woe with his marriage and his wife and his poor pathetic life and feel sorry for him and even sleep with him repeatedly too). Ha! No more freebies Mister. When I looked at him I did not make eye contact. I forced myself to stare at his growing belly. He had been working out and looking kind of good but suddenly he is gaining weight and looks mopey (see my post below) and overweight in the belly I did everything in my power to NOT feel sorry for him. So I stared at that belly. “Do I want to hug that belly?” I was thinking. Nah. Pass. The one I used to ignore and pretend he did not have? NOPE. SO instead, I went on and on about how successful my garden is and I never asked him how he was doing and so he left! It is really easy to get rid of him. I just need to talk about myself and appear happy and carefree and I did that. (I have now been trained by my therapist to do this) ANd ot talk about anything personal. He got the message. Easy as pie. No more “Enticing Empath” for him. This garden started in Easter when I started yet another “No Contact” with him after seeing him walk down by street hand in hand romantically with his wife. I was beside myself when I saw that. The pain was searing. But, every time I implement “No Contact” and I leave this man I swear I thrive! Thrive! All things go better in my life after the initial terrible pain. (It lasts 2-3 months at least. They say 90 days is the turning point. And getting outside help is critical (!) and maybe some medication too.) This summer I have creted an all new garden, tons of flowers and vegetables for one. I am very proud of myself. Next I have struck an incredibly close and wonderful relationship with a woman in my field (art). Next I have been making art and exhibiting it! I attended my own reception last night! SO I am trying to say we are all like flowers and/or trees in fact. It hurts to be pruned yes, but NEW GROWTH will occur I swear! And no more hugging that belly for me. LOL Let his wife do that! and everything else for that matter.
    Loving him is and was never EVER enough to make this situation work.

    • NeverAgain

      Lara,
      You are a riot! I love reading about your fiascos with this guy, lol! Last time I saw MM I was like, whoa, that belly! I was shocked and he had jowls too. He came swaggering in like no time had passed and I unfortunately had to have sex-but that was good! I mean the sex was not, but it was good for me to finally feel NOTHING!! Yeah and when he reached out with that text yesterday that he missed me, it took about 4 hours to respond UNFAVORABLY. Well, I was reading this forum too though…

      • Lara

        Never again, I’m glad you enjoyed my humor! I DO need to laugh at this dumb situation sometimes and realize I DO deserve SO MUCH BETTER than I ever had with the MM. Isn’t it great when the physical /chemical attraction finally starts to fade and you can finally see the situation with your more of your logical mind? My former MM does not look too appealing to me with his growing belly, his depression over getting laid off, and worst of all, by far, STILL holding his beloved (ahem) wife’s hand on occasion. That one time I saw that did me in I swear! Let them console each other as far…. as I am concerned they deserve each other, both of them are liars!

  • Jazmyne

    I just broke up with my MM a week ago, No Contact day #5. And it’s hurting me really bad, making me so depressed. The affair started 22 mos ago. I’ve known my MM since we were young. He used to be my best friend, but i know deep within that he loved me at that time. I had a very short term relationship with him but dumped him afterwards because I know I can’t love him back, I realized at that time I still love my first boyfriend, who also a friend of ours . Years had passed, we lost connection. I got married (not to my first boyfriend though), had children. He got married and had children as well. Year 2015, I decided to separate with my husband, filed a divorce (until now it’s not done yet, hoping soon). It was a very ugly separation. The separation was due to my ex-husband’s infidelity, abused (physical and emotional abuse), drug addiction, consistent lies, gambling, name it!!! Prior to his addictions, My ex-husband used to be a good provider. He is not perfect, he has some flaws that I tried to brush it off . He is a womanizer, he had several affairs that I know which I just ignored, he will not admit it after all. I don’t want to have a broken family. I need to protect my children. I just hoped he will changed. As long as he will provide our need, we will be fine. Those were the things I put in my mind. I tried to cover up all his misdeeds to my family and friends, I made him in the eyes of everybody that he is a good husband, a good father and that I have a perfect family. But he did not change, he get even worst especiallly when he started using drugs with out my knowledge. I was so naive that I don’t even know that the person I am living with is already addicted to drugs. My ex-husband put me in so much trouble that at that time I don’t even know what to do. We used to have a very good life. He left me and my children without any financial support. Luckily, I have a very stable job and a strong family support. But eventhough, my life was so miserable, I tried to get up everyday because I have children to support…. 5 mos after my separation, living in misery and turmoil (my ex-husband continues to bother me), I get a message from my best friend/ex boyfriend asking how am I doing? And this is the start of my affair to a married man. He does not live close by, he worked overseas. Constant messaging and talking in the phone lifted my spirit, I felt like he filled up all the emptiness in my heart. He told me, that he’s still love, that his love and affection since we were young never went away. I believed him. We had several vacations together, I saw how much he cared for me. He treated me really well. He made me feel that I am worthy as a person, he brought back that self-esteem that my ex-husband robbed or stripped away from me. He was my shoulder to cry on, I had my friend back, and as my lover. And this time, I was put in a different situation… I’m used to be the victim, the wife but now I am a mistress…. is it easy to accept, NO….Of course, things wasn’t easy, because he has a family. From the beginning, it’s been clear to both of us that the relationship is temporary, actually I was the one who pointed this. And he’s been honest to me how he feels towards his family. He love his children, he love his family. He told me he probably loved me more than his wife but since she is the mother of his children, that’s why he have to take care of her and protect her feelings, which for me at that time it’s just fair. I just went throughb that… what the wife will be going through. so I understand him. I don’t want him to leave his family either like what my ex did. I don’t want his children to suffer like how my children suffered, I don’t want the wife to feel the betrayal like what I have experienced. I’m a good person, and I don’t want anybody to go through what I want through. But At that point, I can’t control my feelings anymore, all I know is I need him to get through day by day. Like I said earlier, he works overseas and he’s away from his family as well. So it was so easy for us to communicate whenever we wants to. Things got worst everytime he goes home for a vacation and he will be with them. It’s killing me. I started to get so jealous, so insecure. That he has a complete family, and actually people thinks that he is an ideal father, that they have an ideal family. That’s what they portray as well in social media. Nobody knows that he is cheating on his wife. Of course, the wife does not know the affair either, but probably a wife’s instint, she’s been always jealous on me. And I don’t blame her for that. Despite what I went through, people perceived me that I am a strong woman, career oriented, good mother and without boasting, as a lot of people will tell me, I am beatiful, gorgeous, sexy and smart woman… And probably everybody will be surprised if they find out what I did. That I am somebody’s mistress, that I am involved to a MM. I decided to end this toxic relationship because I know this is not what I need. He seems like he is my happiness but he also put me on so much stress , anxiety, sadness every time we hanged up in phone because the wife is calling, or the wife is on her way home, or he can’t call me because he is busy with his children, seeing them on vacation, postings of nice family pictures, etc etc etc. It’s very depressing feeling. I realized it is a lot harder to be a mistress than a wife being cheated. As a mistress, the pain is continous, you are aware that MM is cheating on you (I will still call it cheating, but probably with consent on my part, since I am very much aware that he is happily married). As a wife being cheated (my personal experienced) she will only feel the pain if she discovered the infidelity of the husband. It is really hard. You just don’t know how much I am hurting right now, regretting that I did end the relationship with MM but I need to get through this. I am tempted several times to call him, message him that I am changing my mind but I am trying my best not to. that’s the reason why I need to be in this blog and get my strenght from everybody’s experienced that things will get better. That this feeling of inadequacy and loneliness will go away after all. I want my life to get better, and to feel better about mysef again. I know my MM is not what I need to heal myself from my previous divorced and sufferings. He is not the source of my happiness because the happiness he’s giving me is just temporary. I know, he is my addiction, he gave me a certain feeling of euphoria, and then when he’s gone, I feel sadness that I feel wanting to have more time from him. This need to be changed. I need to take full control of myself. I’m hoping I can pull through the NC situation, I blocked him on my phone. I’ve been going to the church more, talking to a therapist, reading lots of blogs on how to get over a break up especially to a MM. Hoping that I can get through this and will feel better afterwards.

  • Lara

    Hi it is Lara checking in. I have not been here since aug 15 and i would say thats a good thing for me. Slowly but surely I have started to not give rat’s a ___ about my ex married man. I see him (visually) in his place of business which is near my house freqently but we do not speak. Somehow mercifully he looks MORE AND MORE like a loser to me. He is mopey dopey and seems to put very little effort into his work to tell you the truth. He hangs out all day at work with a loser buddy constantly. I am not impressed! i used to have this man on such a pedestal for so long and I believed all his BS and now I have slowly realized that I had duped my own self and my own mind. He is not all that,. I have stopped caring whether he thinks of me, misses me, regrets the way he treated me etc etc. I seriously don’t see that man doing much reflecting whatsoever about much of anything. He just sticks to his usual routine and his wife comes sometimes by to see him and then they all hang out looking so damn bored as hell all of themstr. I really think I am the winner in this scenario after all! Stay long ladies! These men are NOT the demi-Gods we think they are in when we are in love and lust with them and our brains trick us. They are just ordinary guys who are sub-par morally speaking and resort to cheating rather than trying to seriously work on their relationships. Who needs that? Think about it.

    • I thought I was different

      Thank you for this! This is just what I needed today. Just about to the point where I am also starting to see my MM in a completely different light. They always say a flower cannot grow if it is not watered and lately, the lies of not seeing each other or being “busy” isn’t watering the relationship! But maybe that is a blessing in disguise, right? It does give you the time to step back and really see what it really is. Why settle for sub-par? We deserve so much more than this. It’s been almost 3 years with my MM and I never thought I could walk away from this guy- but starting to see him for who he really is. I have realized I am helping keep his marriage together. I am someone he can come to get the boost of confidence, affection and a listening ear. What do I get in return? Let me think…. not a lot! Of course the high when we are together is wonderful but it doesn’t take long to come down after he spends the weekend with his wife! Again, thanks for this. Great to know you are doing well and knowing that others are going through this and CAN survive! I just need to pull the final straw! We all need to take control of the situation rather than let it control us!!!

  • ImFinallyDone

    I would like to update everyone…to make a long story short….my cousin died a few weeks ago…I was feeling vulnerable…so I broke the no contact rule….I told him I needed him and I wanted to see him…He basically told me it’s time to move ON….wow that shattered my heart into pieces…I guess now that his wife is pregnant he just dropped me like nothing ever happened…or maybe he’s fallen in love with her…he also said he’s not in a place where he could be there for anyone…sigh…I thought he and I could be friends….I guess we can’t…I’m hurting so much right now…I’ll say more later…tell you how found out she was pregnant..

    If anyone would like to talk one on one please me your email…

    • Angela

      Hey,

      Please stay strong. You don’t need such losers in your life. Please don lose focus. Your are a strong beautiful woman so please don’t rely on anyone “to be there for you” They never were. They only want attention and affection for themselves but want nothing to do with you. If you feel like talking ping me on dave.engel21@gmail.com

      I am on month 2 of NC. Blocked him from whatsapp and call list too. He emails me and messages me on Linked In but i havent responsed at all.Stay strong. You can do it.

    • Daina

      Your scenario seems a lot like mine with the wife being pregnant. I just found out he has a 1 yr old daughter. We were together almost 2. Everything makes so much sense now and my instincts were right all along. ..* sigh*

  • Christine

    I’m currently in the falling out period of an affair. Both of us would continue for as long as we could but it’s hard to live a lie. He’s married and won’t assess his personal life until his kids are out of high school in 5 years. I just recently got divorced after 14 years. We’ve known each other for 10+ years but an affair began 5 years ago, ended abruptly because my husband found out and then restarted months ago because he was reaching out one last time. We love each other and know it’s wrong but the chemistry and connection is like what you see in the movies. I know if we’re still communicating, I’m not doing myself any favors no can I truly be available for anyone else. I’m not at the point where I can tell him this is over and to not contact me until he is separated/divorced. I don’t want him out of my life.

  • Clair

    It had been two weeks without seeing or talking and out of the blue he calls me yesterday morning. What do I do??? Go to his house! It’s been 2 years on and off. The longest we have gone without seeing each other is 6 weeks and the longest without talking is 3 weeks and that was just the month of July so very recent. He wants me in his life and I do him but only to “be together”. He doesn’t want the responsibility of trying to make two women happy. Me and wife. He doesn’t want to talk everyday. I do understand the pressures of everyday life and then someone on the side just adds to it. Don’t know what to do!

    • Lynn

      Don’t do it. Like you, and all of us here, I was in the same situation. So many similarities in all our stories. I’ve read for months and months and not said much. You all have helped me get through one of the hardest periods of my life. Know that this is doable; that you can move on from it and find peace and happiness. It takes time and effort and work and strength. I did not think I could do it, but he did me a favor last Thanksgiving and 2 months later when I was just starting to feel better he came back and I let him. But not for long. I said no more. I’ve started dating and have met a nice man. I don’t know where it will go, but what I do know is that I can have feelings for someone else, I know I can be happy without a MM, I know I am ok alone. Stay strong ladies. There truly is hope.

      • Clair

        During those 6 weeks I was happy! Felt so much better about myself than I have the last two years. Was mad at him and myself for getting ourselves in this situation to begin with. Then he texts out of the blue wanting to see me and then nothing for two weeks and calls me yesterday. I’ll get ok and then I let him back in. I know I’m not alone but sometimes I do feel like such a horrible person.

      • Needhelp

        This is so true. I think it’s important to realise that when you start to feel better after a period of no contact you are in the ‘danger zone’. Because when he contacts you out of the blue you think to yourself ‘it’s ok’, ‘I’m feeling better, I can handle it’ , ‘I won’t get sucked in again like last time.’ Then before you know it you are back to square one.
        Ive made this mistake on more than one occassion, but what ive now learnt is that I can’t have any kind of interaction with this man ever again. It will only lead me back to the place I’m trying my best to get away from.
        35 days of no contact so far…my head feels clearer…i want to keep it that way!

        • Angie

          Hey thats so true!! Exactly the same happens with me too! Mm tries to reach me once in a month.. i know i can never be completely over this episode or be like before, but just wen i feel that m starting to feel better, he calls me out of the blue! He shows no remorse or attempts to win me back but starts bragging about his success, more money, trips, etc etc.. I CANNOT TAKE THAT NONSENSE!! Pisses me off more.. i too see him as a joke & think i can talk to him normaly since am ok now, but the result? He leaves me miserable agn! I feel that my life is all rocky while his is all roses! M back to square one like how i was before & during NC.. dont know y he has to tell me about all his shitty achievements & success.. hes like a vampire who sux the blood out of my body leaving me weak & drained out!! Last he contacted me was on aug 24th. I didnt giv him much attention but replied to his msgs. He tried to pursue me for 4 days, i didnt melt. He was shocked to see this side of mine & called me arrogant. 5th day he vanished and now its almost 12 days i havnt heard from him. I didnt contact him either. Hope he leaves me alone forever this time..

  • Nomad

    Hi, hope everyone is well, haven’t heard from the familiar and regular few, hope you guys are moving on well, healing and happier with more inner peace since it’s been a while I’ve met u guys here.

    As u might have read abt mine, gave him last chance on 22 Aug just to realize nothing has changed, he predictably retreated, threw me crumbs like “taking a nap, fyi”, not more than a handful of whatsapp (few words including hi) msg per day. By 25 Aug, I snapped because he didn’t treasure the last chance I gave. I also found out his intention to celebrate wife’s birthday which he didn’t do for years. I asked him y this year? I helped him answer was it because he had an affair and he’s guilty and wanted to make up and also he learnt through the affair what a woman wants – attention, affection, sweet gesture – he didn’t deny. I was emotionally depressed and told him to let go and stopped hurting me. He heard my sobbing over the phone and he said he couldn’t bear to hurt me and I was blaming him for all the downturn to unhappiness. He couldn’t meet my “high” expectations of being available always and sweet in fantasy land all the time.

    He went cold and missing while I still didn’t block him until 29 Aug. it hurts very much knowing that he didn’t contact even though he’s unblocked. On 29 Aug, we spoke and I said harsh words to him to push him away in a fit of anger.

    Today is nc day 4. I miss him and checked his last seen. He didn’t block me and he’s still alive. He’s having fun celebrating his kid’s birthday today. I started to imagine he and his wife and how carefree and relieved now that his fear and guilt has been taken away with me out of his life.

    Just then I accidentally hit the button to call his no and
    Ok! Sigh! Either his delighted or he broke down into cold sweat thinking I was ghosting him.

    Record of NC was 12 days. I’m no good at all. Still painful. Still want him to want me. But this time (as with each time I wanted to end it by going cold turkey suddenly and pissed him hell lot), he’s not coming back or wanting me back, his turn to scream at me ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, no more shit and toxin from me, I’m destructive to his peace of mind, suddenly I’m a turn off, he’s wondering what took him so long to see (blinded) that I’m ugly and obsessive. He couldn’t wait to run as far and quick as possible to be away from me. My recent behavior must have caused him to sober up hence he’s choosing his wife, kids, friends, work, anything anyone but me. I couldn’t accept the crumbling of this relationship over 3 months and never seem to bring it back to the state where we thought we were real and deep and we could keep it alive no matter what.

    Few of my friends knew about my situation and have shunned me after so many cry wolf episodes of letting go and moving on and truth is, it’s still dragging until I’m being dumped!

    • Monique Randall

      Stay strong! It’s very hard to let go it’s been almost six months for me with No Contact and I still think about him everyday. Although I supported my MM during his job loss period in 2015/2016, heleft me a day after I lost my job all because I held him accountable of his lack there of actions. He blocked me from communicating with him…He talked to me so bad then came back and said he wants me to be happy and he has too much going on. Bottom line, he lied about everything and told me his divorce was final in Feb and thatvhe and his wife were separated. I was in the process of possibly relocating to where he currently lives per his request but lo ittle to my knowledge, his wife was pregnant and he never uttered a word when I visited in early March (I lost my job At the end of March).

      I said all of that to say, time and inner strength will help you through times like this…Just keep reminding yourself of how he treated you and the things he said to you…That will remind you why it’s best for you’ll not to be together. You are worthy of love and the right person will see it!

    • Angela

      Hi Nomad,

      I have been following your story and you have been really brave. I was in a similar situation as well. I was with my MM for 1 year and then he found out his wife was pregnant and then we decided to mutually end it. But both of us couldn’t stay away from each other. We kept finding reasons to be with each other like his birthday and my birthday. But then came a time where i felt enough is enough. I am a strong independent woman and I DO NOT want his bread crumbs.

      You are neither bitter nor toxic, you are just in love and a victim of this situation. Take each day at a time. Im now on day 60 of NC and tomorrow is my first date in a long time. I know my mind will compare this guy to my MM and I know that a big part of me still loves him and yearns for him but I will not give him that satisfaction of knowing that Im going mad for him. Stay strong Nomad, we are all here for you. Try to move on..try to divert your mind with your hobbies or something charitable (it really helps) and then try to go on dates and just begin a new chapter of your life. I know its easier said than done, but give it a try.
      Lots of Love
      Angela

  • Monique Randall

    My married man and I started off as friends, true platonic friends. I was going through a terrible breakup (previous ex not married cheated on me with baby momma and got her pregnant). Anyway, my MM was truly a friend to me during that time as I was to him during his rough times with his wife. He said he wife wouldn’t have sex with him anymore or help him around the house. I offers ways on how their marriage could improve all the while he’s liking me more and more. Well, we foolishly crossed the line and six years later I was dumped by my MM the day after I lost my job. He blocked me from contacting him all because I told him I was disappointed on how he was not a friend to me during this terrible time. Yes, I told to him not to contact me but I was emotional–I just lost my job. Well, I end up finding out on social media that his ex-wife or wife (who knows) was pregnant and delivered their son two months after I lost my job.

    I dated my married man for six years. In fact, he was my boss five out of the six years. The relationship was toxic partly because I worked for him and because of his narcissistic ways. We argued all the time about work issues. Truthfully, he was and prob still is an emotional … However, through it all, we always find our way back into each other lives. Through the relationship, I miscarried twice (he wasn’t by side for either miscarriage), dealt with his mood swings, supported him emotionally when his father was diagnosed with prostrate cancer, endured their on again and off again emotional abusive relationship, dropped him off at the airport when he traveled back home every weekend to see his kids, lived with him while they were going through their “separation”, stood by his side when he lost his job, helped him redo his resume and work portfolio, acted as his boss for his job reference, loaned him money to pay his atty fees and child support, travel back and forth to see him during his unemployment period, travel back and forth to see him during his employment period, etc…I stayed by his side when all his assets were frozen during his divorce, He allOwed me to read the her threatening and blackmail messages to him about their kids, supported home while he rebuilt his career back in home city…I did all that to realized that he never loved me or was my friend.

    He told me their divorce was final in Feb 2017, well he actually told me he’s ready to get remarried and start a family Dec 2016, wanted me to relocate to his hometown. When I visited him in March 2017, we were in a good place. Discussing trips, finalizing what date I was going to move up there and we talked about taking a trip before he started his new big job. In fact, we begin the transition of me relocating to where he was living last year. On Christmas, he asked me to send pictures of rings I liked and pick our furniture for our new place… However, three weeks later after I lost my job he left me, blocked me, and told me we weren’t good for each other. Oh, he told me he owes me nothing, simply wow! Then he said that it’s not about us not being good for each other it’s that he has a lot going on and he wants me to be happy.

    During all this all the times I visited him he NEVER mentioned his wife or ex-wife was pregnant. I asked him about the baby and he said a baby is the least of his worries. He is a true hypochondriac so I took that as a grain of salt. The signs were there but I ignored them to keep down the drama between us. Maybe it’s my fault masked the true pain and state our fake relationship was in…I accepted he was still staying with family until he found his place so I we stayed in hotels when I visited, I accepted his last vacation with his kids she went but he never told me, I began to accept the inconsistencies in his behavior…What’s crazy I asked him in February did he need space because I knew he had a lot going on and he told me no.

    He knew his lies and double life was about to be expose but to leave and abandon me the day after I lost job was baffling it has literally destroyed me. He became everything he said he wasn’t and did the same thing my previous ex did to hurt me. Maybe this my karma for sleeping with a married man.

    I think about him often and wonder does he even think about me. Then I remind myself if he cared or loved you he wouldn’t betrayed you at your lowest point in your life. He’s beyond selfish and I literally hate him!

  • Nomad

    I’m starting NC again. It’s hopeless now. I’ve hit a dead end.
    Hopefully I can steer clear in the whole month of Sep.
    minutes become hour become days become weeks becomes month.

    Please give me the strength and support and cheer for me to let go and move on and no turning back. It is a decision to go back to my spouse before it’s too late. It is not a stunt to threaten mm to miss me and chasing after me just to treat me like dirt. He blamed himself for not meeting my expectations and causing me miseries. No more missing me and loving me. Instead all he could say now was sorry. He was online but not with me. He’s avoiding me. He’s ignoring my whatsapp.

    My parting words were “I’ll be blocking u, I’m sorry it didn’t work when I said i would give a sincere 1 last try, take care and good bye”

    I’m in pain…victory to his wife… I’m the loser after 15.5 mths

    • Needhelp

      Hi Nomad,
      I really feel for you. I know how awful this feeling is. I think one of the things that makes it so hard is because it’s not the same situation as a ‘normal relationship that has run its course and it’s time to end it. Actually you dont want to end it and know you could go back if you wanted which makes it so hard to continue nc with when you are feeling low.

      Don’t feel his wife has won though. I have felt like this myself but what I have realised is she hasn’t won at all. She is with a man who cheats on her, who lies to her. That’s not winning. It’s just a different kind of losing. If she knew about the situation I doubt she’d be feeling like a winner. I wouldn’t want to be in her position any more than I want to be in my own. I think we need to realise it’s not the wives that are the problem here, it’s the mm. They are either too weak to make a difficult decision and move on with their lives with someone else, or they like having it both ways too much. Either way they are selfish and put their own feelings first.

      It’s been 27 days of nc for me and although I have had a few wobbles I feel I am doing ok. After 4 and 1/2 years I am ready to move on and get a real life away from this mm who has totally messed with my head and my feelings. Im fed up of the drama that comes with him and all the usual lines I’ve heard from him a million times.

      Look after yourself. Be kind to yourself. Know it will take time to feel better.

      It’s hard. But you know the good thing about it? … there will be a day when you feel better. When you’re over it. When you can see this relationship for what it is/was. And whatever you feel about it now I’m sure you’ll agree it’s not healthy. No one on this site has a healthy relationship with their mm. And no one ever will. Best thing we can all do is get out. And we are all strong enough to do it. We just need to believe it.

  • Angie

    Ok so MM reached out to me last week!! Wen i had least expected him to. As usual he has nothin to talk abt except his success stories. Dont know wat brings him back to me each time! According to him we never brokeup, we just had a fight.. m talkin to him but unable to be normal with him.. i can never be normal agn. He accuses me of insultin him n not bein my old self but i cant. Found myself crying today aftee a long tym 🙁 his success stories just piss me off to the core!!

  • Zamo

    Hey ladies, I am in a point where in I desperately need to break up with my mm,not because I don’t love him but simply because of the pain I am feeling inside when rejects me.when he was feeling down nothing was going well in his life including work.I was there for him.now that all seems to be falling into place and at work things are going well.by the way(we work together same office)so suddenly he is too busy,doesn’t have time to chat or come see me.the way he talks to me this days it shows that our period is done.I need to leave him because things will only get worse from here.It’s gonna be so difficult because we work together have to see him happy every day,while I am all broken and miserable.help….how do I do this???

  • Nomad

    Help!

    We broke up again. The trigger was I found out he’s taking leave to celebrate his wife’s birthday, something which he didn’t do so for past few years. Why this year? Guilty? Want to make up? Making effort to rekindle? Lesson learnt after having me as a third wheel? I asked him why? And I told him I am jealous and I’m feeling more fearful because he’s making effort to pursue his wife or make her happy. I taught him how to win a woman’s heart and he’s applying what he learnt over the past year from me to her. He said it’s nothing wrong to remember her birthday and marked on calendar and he has no plans yet. Just marked a calendar and I was overreacting and I also took leave to celebrate my hubby’s birthday this year and bought him a watch. So… he learnt to rekindle the sparks with his wife…while I’m retreating away from my marriage. It’s silly why I hold on when I know where I stand now, we will not divorce to be together, we be haunted by guilt and fear stealing time sneaking around, we are drifting apart now that the stages of last, attraction and attachment are over, the oxytocin stopped releasing to the body, the willingness to continue wore off, so what’s left? His Biological needs? Which he would soon will be bored by the way I do it. Told him the way I see his we are ending would be he dumped me after he’s sick or bored of me. I tried ending it many times but failed because he’s greedy and selfish.

    I also couldn’t understand how he could handle his emotions about I’m sleeping next to my spouse every night, I went with spouse on dinner or coffee dates having more we-time (our kids are teens vs. his who still wearing diapers). How could he not feel jealous and possessive and angry and insane? How could he still want me? Whenever I think of his wife, it gives me the motivation to let go because I do not want to share him. I had my fantasy and I’m done. Because I failed the NC, because he gave me hope and crumbs, I foolishly think that I still want this “true” love.

    We spoke for an hr the night before. He finally agrees to let go because it pains him to see me living without inner peace, he imagined my tears, my misery and so he said he will control to disappear from my life. We said goodbye and “I love you” as parting words and hanged up the phone. I cried and let out my emotions. I couldn’t sleep that night as it hurt and I haven’t sunk into what had just happened. I didn’t block him because there wouldn’t be any messages from him anymore. No need for me to do all the stunts to reset a NC.

    The next morning, his text came in “love u baby” and no more from him that day and night.

    But it got me feeling depressed and confused and helpless and stuck for 24 hrs. I really do not want to waste a minute of my brain cell on him!!!

  • Maracuja

    Hi girls, hope you are getting better. Last time I wrote here was on July 6th as Mara.

    It was a difficult period for me before meeting MM: first time mom, relationship wearing off, unemployed, etc…I met ”L” when I started a temporary job. I am 32 and he’s 43. He gave me the attention I needed and it boosted my self-esteem. I thought I could play the game and it went on for 3 months. I became infatuated while he was hot and cold, giving me mixed signals. One week he would text me non-stop, inviting me for lunch and the next I wouldn’t hear from him. I was always the one starting conversations. He would do it when he didn’t hear from me. Deep down I knew I was attracted to the affair situation, not to him, the real man. I would feel excited when he invited me for a “date”, awesome while I was with him but feeling used and sad when it was over.

    I decided that since the “relationship” wouldn’t go anywhere and I was getting tired of the crumbs and the roller coaster, it was time to end it. This time I wasn’t going to initiate conversation and if he didn’t, then things would stay that way.

    One week later he reached to me. I thought about ignoring him but I needed closure, so I told him how the affair had affected me emotionally: my moods would swing according to his behavior and I was starting to have feelings! He said that the affair has been given him too much stress, he couldn’t deal with it anymore, so we needed to end it. I agreed and he invited me to lunch, where he spent most of it talking about what he’s been doing lately, plans for holidays, asking me how were things in my life, etc…
    I had to interrupt him and start the “breakup” subject! He said that he never promised me anything (true) and I told him his behavior had me starting to think otherwise! We weren’t on the same page anymore so there was no point in continuing! I always knew that but it hurts when you hear or say it! He asked me to cut contact and instead of starting straight away, we made out! It was a mix of excitement, anger, sadness…in the end I told him I would tell his wife! He begged me not to, as it would destroy his life and all he achieved. I wanted to scream at him, call him a liar, punch him in the face but I knew from the start what I was getting into! I always knew what the outcome would be and that I would be the one getting hurt!

    The following days, I kept trying to reach out to him, begging for another try, crying, angry at myself for being such a fool, for falling into that trap… I couldn’t handle the pain! I missed him everyday! The excitement, the passion…I wanted to see him one last time! It went from innocent mails trying to get him back to threatening to tell his wife! He never replied though, which made me realize he didn’t/doesn’t care. So I’ve stopped trying!

    Now, 1 month later of NC I’m feeling better, thinking about and missing him lesser, checking my email lesser, not getting nervous when I see someone who resembles him or a similar car brand, realizing it was all a fantasy, that ”he” never existed…but I still can’t erase the messages! I go through them from time to time…some of the things he told me must be real, right? They can’t all be lies?! It is impossible he faked all of it! I remember analyzing him when we were together…sometimes he blushed when I stared at him!

    I loved the man he was when with me but not the man he truly is, his lifestyle,etc…we are completely different so it would never work! Also how can I blame him for not even thinking of switching his lifestyle and achievements for “us”? I have to learn from this incident and never do it again!

    I’m still impressed by some of you whose affairs lasted for years! I’m sad and glad that mine lasted a few months! I don’t think he will ever try to contact me but hope that if he does I won’t be caring about him anymore!

  • Nomad

    Updates: Broke NC record of 11 days. On 12th days he was frantically finding his way back to me, “baby wru??” He said I’ve blocked him a thousands times but he’s still so into me and he missed me so much and he didn’t know I really could harden my emotions and broke NC record this time. FFW, I caved in and laid my baseline calmly that I’m given us one (last) try so can we cherish instead of wasting us wasting time. (3mths of lame NC, not mutually agreed NC was a total waste of time & effort). If he’s struggling with guilt or lost interest in me, I’m no longer his novelty that turns him lazy turns myself into his chores, then please let go. I reminded him that we’ve stopped creating memories since we celebrated my birthday in May. Is he confused that he’s in love with the ideal, the past memories and not who I’m now, after we’ve drifted so far apart? Yes he was relieved I’m back but the next day, he’s blowing cold and seemingly retreating, left me puzzled though not surprised.

    Within a day he knew I gave up again and my sincere more try was my toxic behavior (amazing that I now fit into the category of toxic partner!!). I find myself repeating that whenever I’m back, he’s back to “good morning/how’s your day/work ok?/how’s lunch?/busy working/good night etc” no more baby, miss you, it’s ice cold and I’m plunged into misery, regrets and anxiety again. He apologized and he explained he thought when I m back, it means we’ve “stabilized” like matured couple. He asked could it be loss of novelty and he’s not as crazy, I’m not as desirable. Oh no, I’m walking the path of his wife! Mundane, boring and being taken for granted. I couldn’t find any more excuses for him. I’m not even his unreal fantasy! We fought for 2hrs over whatsapp, longest ever since May. He’s thankful for the space I’ve given him since May and he achieved results at work, family bliss at home. I’m confused. Why would anyone looking to disturb a healing wound ?

    I told him I’m looking affection, attention and romance. If he has mental block letting his love and vulnerability flow on to me, then let go. I told him I’m actually happier, calmer and felt safer when I blocked him. If he can’t be with me, let go, don’t waste time because other people need us. When he’s back, he’s haunting me, I’m back to the one who checks phone obsessively, my mind was replaying good and bad memories, feeling stuck, useless, helpless, negative. My heart felt heavy and tight. Physically I’m not normal, my breathing, my head, my appetite. Mentally, I feel like I’ve given up and let myself sink to the bed of an ocean. Told him Blocking him is not a test but a decision I tried really hard to keep. There was no conclusion. I told him I needed to sleep. We were upset, angry and worn out.

    Yes I’m back for 1 day and sadness outweighs the happiness I thought this time it would be different and I’m getting it.

    How to get rid of him? How to make myself detest him?

  • Needhelp

    Hey all,

    Well it’s been 19 days of nc (on my side) now. I haven’t contacted my mm since I found out he had gone away with his family after telling me a couple of weeks before that he had ‘no plans to’…
    I’ve been on holiday with my kids in this time, we’ve had a fantastic time and I think it really helped me to not dwell on the situation and also get things a bit more in perspective – there is a whole world out there full of people I don’t know/haven’t met…why am I obessessing about this one man who treats me like s*It???!
    My mm has sent me a few texts in this time which I haven’t replied to – ‘you’ve been too hasty’, ‘you’re sulking’ , ‘I’m done’ etc. He has also called me a couple of times which I haven’t answered. So far I can only describe my feelings as a little bit numb… there’s something different about it this time (I’ve tried to end it with him before and failed). I think and hope it is because I’ve finally reached ‘that moment’ that people talk about – that final dreadful thing that makes you realise it has to end and makes you see things for what they are. This man has lied to me, he has strung me along, despite how much he might claim to love me. And you know what… I don’t want a man like that..i wouldn’t trust him for a minute! I agree with what others have said – I think I was in love with the idea of him not the reality.
    I’m hoping I can stay strong but am worried I will go on a downer at some point missing him and wanting to talk to him. One thing I’ve realised though is it’s more about a general feeling of loneliness than missing him for himself. We live 70 miles apart so I never got to see him that much, it was mainly text messages and talking on the phone. When I do feel I am missing him I’m asking myself ‘would today be any different if we were still together?’. And the answer is always ‘no’. I’d still be going to work doing the same job, I’d still be looking after my kids and taking them out at weekends (on my own), I’d still be seeing friends and family when I can … in other words my life is basically the same because HE WAS NEVER REALLY IN IT. He had his own life, he just called/texted me when it was convenient, came to see me for a couple of hours as and when he could. This is helping me realise I haven’t actually lost that much – most of what I think I’ve lost wasn’t ever reality – it was the ‘idea’ of him, the dreaming about what it would be like when we were finally together – none of it real!
    I’m also trying to look after myself more – might sound crazy but eating better, taking up yoga – I know this won’t be easy to get through but at least I have the thought that one day I will be able to look back at this and know I’m finally over it. If I go back to him again I’ll just continue this horrible cycle. Also I refuse to let him treat me like this – who the hell does he think he is? Does he not know how f**king fantastic I am??! Like we all are?!!! Well in the words of beyonce ‘if you like it you should have put a ring on it’ !!!! 🙂 HIS LOSS NOT MINE!
    Hope all you ladies are doing Ok – hugs to you all. You are all fantastic people who deserve better – let’s try not to forget that xxx

    • ImFinallyDone

      Love this!!! I was missing my ex-MM as well…and was tempted to get in contact with him…but Eff him…like you said…DOES HE NOT KNOW HOW EFFIN FANTASTIC I AM!!! That’s right their loss!!! Thanks for this!! let’s keep staying strong and motivating each other….we can do so much better than cheaters and liars…their wives enjoy it so therefore they can have it…

    • Trish

      Hi Need help, good for you with your 19 day nc. It has been 60+ says for me. My mm man had not tried to contact me at all and I’m not surprise. I think we both were at our breaking point and was ready to let go. I’m going to remain strong each day and wish that you do the same.

    • Heartbroken

      Dear Lara,
      Thank you for your kind words. You are so brave. This is just what I needed to hear now when my tears won’t stop. My mm would cheat in nano second too for good sex and if he knew he won’t get caught. He actually told me a few times that he believes in living in the moment. Hurts badly but I feel free. I am hoping to repair my broken marriage. Never thought I’ll be in this position. I hope and pray we all find happiness. Xoxo

  • Nomad

    Yesterday (day5) was a lame NC because he emailed me 2x – asked me for lunch and later another email “unblock me”. Such a simple act cost me 1hr of tears and replaying our good times together in my head, blaming myself for being so negative and paranoid, swaying to return to him etc. I deleted the email, composed and forgave myself, and buried myself back to work. suddenly at the end of the work day when most pple had left, he appeared at my desk and flashed a charming and alluring smile and pleading me to unblock him before he rushed off to pick up his daughter.

    Today, NC day6, he threw me back to hell again and why m I not surprised? BEcause he had quick fix by showing up at my desk day5 evening, chatted a few words, enough to stir up my emotions and tempt me to surrender to the fantasy and addiction, over and over again under his mercy.
    So on day6, for whatever reasons, he did it again, punished me by vanishing into thin air. I’m so foolish to keep checking for his number if it flashed across the phone display but it didn’t. I thought about him a lot today. Moments alone in the toilet or office stairway, I’ll replay our happy days, don’t know why I am so irrational! My heart hurt so excruciatingly painful today. Took many deep breath as if I lost my oxygen (him, the mm). Tears started to flow and I was in the office! I felt so defeated! What’s happening? Moments ago I was still feeling proud of myself for achieving day6, next moment I’ve an awakening thought that I should follow my heart.

    I know I should say “thank you for not contacting me, I’m a step forward to letting u go and moving on” he’s driving me crazy!!! I’m on the verge of what the heck! Shall I Just unblock him and continue, don’t hold back anymore, don’t fight against my vulnerability, I’m so mentally drained after the emotional flip flops for 3 months of forcing NC but ended up hurting me more and benefited him! He’s happier these days! discovered new interest, new lease of normal & guilt free life! Why am I such a loser, dumped him first yet still stuck on her same spot while he’s liberated from me?!

    But the issue is I’ve up my defense mechanism and he knew by doing so, I am overthinking all the negative things about him and I’m responsible for the end of us. Whenever I melted by his effortless sweet talk and return, he would definitely blow cold! Proven! He would never fail to make me regret giving up days of my NC progress just to give us one more try. Hate to see it myself that we cannot return to the initial stage. Things have plummeted so quickly!

    I really don’t know how to resolve… how to stop living without being manipulated, living for myself, putting myself first? Without costing my job, my family… is day6 the day he has decided to let me go and enough is enough as I’m an idiot who had been playing so hard to get?! is he trying on day7? All these thoughts are killing me, what’s life like before him?

    I don’t want to hate him.

  • Lara

    I guess another thing I want to say is this: Sometimes I do miss the MM who was my “fantasy” man; but he never existed in the first place. I do NOT miss the real man I found him out to be. I hope this helps. L.

    • J

      I think that exact thing all of the time. I don’t think the man I fell in love with actually exists. He was a figment of my imagination. And he knew exactly what I wanted him to be in the beginning and he played right into that.

  • Lara

    Something struck me tonight as i saw my ex MM with his wife yet again: I was in complete denial for years over their relationship and whatever was going on between them. I realized this because in fact I had seen them together so many times in the past and I had seen them on FB looking very “couple-like in so many dinner photos, etc. And I would always bring this up to the MM and say “You two do not look unhappy to me!” But somehow I always believed the MM that i was all just for “show”….that he had no choice and “had” to act like that or she would get “suspicious!” he was having an affair! Grrrrr But someone once told me this: In any “he said/she said” story there is always 1) “his” side and 2) “her” side then 3) there is the TRUTH! It is funny how denial blinded me completely. Actually it is NOT funny at all. More like tragic. I actually needed to believe my MM because I was so very invested in him emotionally and I did not think I could live without him. Really! And he knew it too. And in my head, I also needed to “win” him over her somehow, or else I would have to admit that all my time and energy spent on him were a waste of my precious time! But when I saw them hand in hand on my street it finally clicked to me that he was lying to BOTH of us all along, not just one of us. In my head I had thought it was “me vs. her” (and he LET me believe that) but in truth, he was a shit to BOTH of us! In fact what he calls “marriage” is not what most people would call it. For him marriage means pulling the wool over his wife’s eyes AND pulling the wool over my eyes too. He is not what anyone would call a “good” husband whatsoever as he is NOT loyal neither to his wife neither to me. When I saw that it hurt like hell. Yes PAIN. Very bad pain. But it totally changed me. Now after a few months I think he’s a just a pathetic loser. Let him have his wife and have the marriage he supposedly complains about! He deserves it as far as I am concerned! I hope he is bored to tears in fact. And I hope when he finds the next woman “on the side” she rats him out! I am free from the drama of BOTH of them! Why should I solve his marital problems for him when he is such a liar? And he married her not me! Now, I would never ever trust him to be “mine” and only mine. He lies so damn well, why would I? So finally I walked out and stayed out. I hope this helps someone out there. Being over him feels GREAT! I feel like I have my life back again finally! Hugs and courage to all those who are suffering in these messy triangles. L.

    • ImFinallyDone

      Yes lara!!! They are such pathetic losers…I looked at the pictures of my ex MM and his pregnant wife at their baby shower on FB…the non stop comments, hundreds of likes…I almost felt a bit of jealousy…but then I thought why am I jealous…he’s a straight up liar and a DOG…I wanted to tell her you know your husband has been having sex with another woman your entire pregnancy…smh…but instead I’ll let the next side chick do that job for me…I’ll let them live their fairytale…I’m DONE!!! I don’t miss him…In fact I hate him…

  • Kev The married guy

    Kev the married guy, Its about that time for me to end it with the woman I’m having affair with, (if you don’t know my story you will have to read previous posy) I really love her and wish I could be with her but we both agree its for our best interest to end it. Because its not right and a lot of people will be hurt if we decided to do what we want to do…. I will love this woman for the rest of my life…The question I have is how do we break it off and still be friends? What are some things that I can do or not do so that I don’t come across as the insensitive jerk that I read about on this post.

    • Nomad

      If you truly love her, stop contacting her for her good. The reason I’ve been suffering from 3mths of lame NC was because he would return and tell me he missed me despite that knowing how hard I have been forcing myself to move on. Last attempt of a successful 4 days of NC was due to wkends and two days of avoiding going to office (blocked whatsapp and phone/SMS).

      Yesterday (day5) was a lame NC because he emailed me 2x – asked me for lunch and later another email “unblock me”. Such a simple act cost me 1hr of tears and replaying our good times together in my head, blaming myself for being so negative and paranoid, swaying to return to him etc. I deleted the email, composed and forgave myself, and buried myself back to work. suddenly at the end of the work day when most pple had left, he appeared at my desk and flashed a charming and alluring smile and pleading me to unblock him before he rushed off to pick up his daughter.

      What shall I do ?! It really takes two to end cleanly. I told myself not to hate him (that would mean I love him), I told him
      To do us a favor to stay away and be thankful that I let him go (his family is his world). Still he’s using me like a convenient store.

      So, if u love her so much, can’t let go, why can’t u simplify matters by ending your unhappiness at home and be with her? Otherwise, let her go, make her understand u r not contacting her anymore because u love her so u r letting her go. U know she would suffer by waiting for your call & text, losing sleep , fighting against doubts, anxiety and jealousy wondering if u r lying abt your situation with wife, always preparing herself for the worst – the day u grow sick of her and decide to dump her, justify that the stake (guilt/fear) was way to high to continue to risk with her etc.

      So don’t lead her if u know it’s merely addiction and greed. Or lee get go if her happiness is truly yours if it’s love.

      today i shall continue my NC day 6 (not resetting)

      • trish

        good to here Nomad. it has been 60 days of NC for me. I know he will never try to contact me and the same here. His drama was to get exactly the outcome he got. Us being over.

    • J

      Kev, I’m sorry, and respectfully, but what you’re saying sounds ridiculous to me. I have read your story and I haven’t responded before. But if you and your gf really love each other then you should be together. Life happens, divorce happens. Families heal and move on for the better. You don’t think your wife deserves someone who isn’t in love with another woman? Why can’t you allow everyone to just live their truest and happiest life. Your life could find someone who romantically wants her. You and your gf could be happy. It’s time for you to step up and do the honorable thing. Which is be with the woman you’re in love with. Truth

  • Angie

    Just found out that ex mm removed me from his facebook friends list!! Dont know wats more insulting, being unfriended before i cud unfriend him or being unfriended by HIM!! 😳😳😳 i wanted to keep him on my facebook so that i cud keep a watch on his life (n he cud see how happy i m sans his presence) but my plans hav been shattered!!

    • ImFinallyDone

      Honestly I don’t think the married men care about us once the relationship is over…they move on to the next mistress to replace us…

  • MMM

    Dear beautiful ladies,
    I have read many of your posts and felt very reassured that many of us are enduring the same pain despite that our stories and experiences may be all different. I feel compel to share my story because recently I was able to change my perspective and these thoughts may eventually be of help to some of you. I don’t want to be pretentious in any way; I just wish to boost your self-esteem!

    Ironically I’m writing this post from the most beautiful office one can imagine; I’m a successful businesswoman with everything the world has to offer. I lead a group of companies; I have children, a wonderful ex-husband, friends, family. No excuses. Technically speaking my life is full. Ladies, this can happen to anyone. Believe me.

    My story begins early this year when I received a call from an old university friend that was coming to town, he needed a place to stay, he was visiting the country because a relative was dying and wanted to spent his lasts days with him. Of course I offered my house and luckily for him, I was going to be out of town most of the time he was planning to stay, so it made things easier. The night he arrived I set him up in my place and left the day afterwards. That evening, for some strange reason and in the context of his grief, we both felt a connection that was totally unexpected. We hadn’t seen each other for more than 15 years.

    I came back from my trip and he was still at home, that was when the trouble gradually began. I will spare you the details, only to say that the months that followed were charged with that roller coaster experience that we all have lived and that frustration that gradually builds up. That constant craving for the connection. I tried several times to break it up, but the more I forced it, the more it came back intensely. The last few weeks were very painful and I just didn’t understand how could I possibly leave this situation to which I was so attached. We saw each other very little because we are in different countries, but we kept writing so much that by now the amount of texts could make up a really thick book.

    In the midst of my desperation I confided to a man. My ex-boyfriend who knew me more than anyone in the world and his vision allowed me to actually reset my mind about this dilemma. He provided me an interesting male perspective. He said to me “You might think you are doing this because you are needy, you cannot survive without his love and attention. You’ve become obsessive and addicted to him. You are suffering because of him. But let’s think it otherwise. Let’s think you a have a power, a superpower. You are a caring, comprehensive, interesting, loving person and you have been able to exert that superpower over that man. It makes you feel really good. Think about it. You are craving for his attention, but you also want to be and feel that fabulous being. Darling, sometimes you just have to keep all that beautiful energy to yourself and that hurts, because you are a giver”.

    I must admit that with those words he was able to change my perspective, in a way that felt empowering, I was no longer a victim, I was just a giver that needed to use my superpower more wisely. Slowly but steadily I was able to set things straight inside my head, communicate them clearly and avoid contact. Not easy. It hurts a lot, but once we understand the various sources of our pain we know better how to positively face the future.

    I do believe the underlying trait of all of us writing here is that we are givers, we have that superpower, we just need it to use it more wisely.

    • Lara

      Hi MMM: I send you a triple “Amen” for saying so many of us are “givers”! And many of these men we describe here fall into the “narcissist” category….And empaths and narcs are drawn to each other like magnets! (Because each one has what the other one does not have).

  • Sulondon

    Hi, i wish someone here could give me some words. I am devastated, regardless how much i am trying to pick myself up everyday to overcome this, but i am shattered. Just like what somebody here already said, we hoped this to be different, that our MM would be different, and what we had was special, was true, but in the closure, it is just exactly indifferent, the normal outcome – being used and played by MM. After 5 months of crying my eyes out every single day, wishing him to be better, to love me the way love should be, i finally could end it, in damages, chokes. All the time i almost got to the exit, i fell for his trap of fake promises and lies. I could not see i was his comfort fall back when his wife is away. He used my money, he controlled me; when he sensed that i was holding myself back, not contributing money as much as he wanted, he sneaked around to contact other women, yet still keeping me in hand to drain me out while waiting for another prey to come along. Everyday, i am telling myself to forget this and better things will arrive, but it has been a month, i am still tremendously hurt. I cant forgive myself to be so stupid. I am a successful lawyer, why would i let myself be so stupid? I dont know how to forgive myself..

    • Screwloose

      I feel the exact same as you. I’m also successful and he really wasn’t. I’m still trying to figure out why he devastated me so bad. Every time I look or investigate a gut feeling I’ve been right. He has move on, used me , doesn’t care ect. Which is a knife in my heart each time. For me I look back at how he was when we are together and it breaks my heart. But truth is like so many have posted . That’s not the real him. I know how he treated his wife and at the end it is now he started treating me. What I think hurts is we don’t want that fantasy man to be that way with anyone else because we believed we were special. That’s hard to accept we weren’t. We were just convient and willing . Also maybe because you are successful probaly very incontrol of your life you actually let your guard down and let the wrong person in. That is so difficult. I don’t know how successful yours was but mine was was not at all. So that’s a big blow to you how could he not want me I’m successful. Idk how you are gonna get through it, honestly I don’t know how I am but we don’t have a choice. What I’m doing now is putting a check down everyday I don’t talk to him. As it gets longer I feel like I would look like a fool to contact him. And trust me I have thought about it. But for me his words ring in my head. My Head has moved on and I feel my heart has too. Those words and what I see on what little of FB I can see . Mine has. So i have no choice . Know you are not alone. Read these posts when you are down. And just pray. It has to get better. It’s hard to forgive your self. I’ve done a lot of soul searching trying to figure out why and how I let this happen. it has to be something from your past. Take this as a learning experience and as hard as it is work on you.

      • trish

        hello everyone,
        it funny that you mentioned success. My married man is a driver for the company we worked for. I was just promoted to a manager with a bachelors degree, and my youngest daughter just went off to college. This man doesn’t even have a HS diploma. So yes, we fall for them. I too feel like a fool if I contact him, which is what I always have done. I’m tired of the DRAMA KING. Plus what can a person do when you are told to go about your business. What a person to do when your mm move 10 minutes away from his wife and don’t give her keys back and behavior is worse than it was when he was living there. Just let go. My hearts everyday but I think about how he treated me and the words he said to me.

  • Screw loose

    I have read everyone’s stories over and over for the past few weeks. They help a lot. There is no one I can talk to which certainly slows the healing process because I too am married. Mine was a school friend reaquainted through FB we live in differnt states but we’re together often. If I’m being totally honest we argued from the beginning. So I’m not sure why I’m so devastated. But I am. We initially had an emotional connection talking all day all night then the physical came. He has gotten mad blocked me on FB ignored made up so many times I’ve lost count. He claims his wife is a drug addict and the plan was when our kids were older we would leave and be together. Here is where I’m so dumb. I have a wonderful husband. But the passion I felt with the MM isn’t at home. I often wonder if I put as much energy into my marriage as chasing my MM if things would heat up. Well the mm and I are from two totally different life styles he does not wine and dine me I pay as much as him. I would be giving up a lot to be with him. So many times he made nasty comments about my income and I always said I would give up everything for him. Things started going really bad a few months ago.When he went out of town for work he changed. I was suppose to see him over the 4th and I said no because he had been treating me so bad. At that point he decided it was over. But me I have done nothing but cry and beg for the last 6 weeks. He will give me a morsel here and there but for the most part he said we are done. I have closed my FB and messanger and deleted his numbers totally today. It doesn’t stop the hurt, the disbelief he doesn’t want me, the embarrassment of me begging the 6 weeks of sleepless nights, tears weight loss . I’m sad even though I know it would never work in the real world. I don’t know why I can’t have some pride and let go. It was the way he looked at me that went straight to my soul and that’s all I see right now.I don’t want him to look at someone else that way. Although I have a feeling he has already met someone else. I went so far as today to ask him to come see me and if he still felt nothing we could part as friends . He first said no, then maybe but he needed to deal with his wife who is asking the same questions as me.Then I tried to call him and he wouldn’t answer . Told me he is going out tonight, and leaving early tomorrow to drive home so can’t talk to me. Of course I sent a long pathetic text asking him why he wouldn’t give us another chance. No response . That’s when I deleted everything. Last week I had finally accepted us being done then one message from him this weekend got me right back to the beginning crying. So clearly something is wrong with me to even feel this way.

  • Nomad

    I’ve avoiding going to work for 2 days… not knowing if he did look for me or call my desk at work. Pulled through NCday 4 and it’s harder this time because I’ve a strong feeling that he’s not coming after me anymore. He’s finally done. I am feeling intense anxiety about returning to work in few hrs time. I’ll be crushed and shattered if he left no missed call this time. My heart is aching…. I’m so scared this is it, that he is finally done with me when i was the “cruel” and righteous one to dump him first, hoping that he’ll crawl back. He did each time and dwindling until it fizzled out now… I pushed him away! Why am I regretting?! Isn’t this what I’ve been struggling to achieve ? That he has finally and fully retreated ? Why am I so devastated and scared and nervous about returning to office to find out no missed call from him?! Been dealing and healing in isolation. i have to be back in office tmr and I can’t be running away forever. But I really can’t imagine how hard I’ll breakdown tmr….

  • ImfinallyDone

    I think I hate my MM now…I’m so disgusted with him!!!! It’s one thing to cheat on your wife…but to cheat on your pregnant wife….and he never told me she was pregnant…I found out on Fb!!! Like forever waiting said you look at the wife and think she is so lucky…but is she really?! She isn’t lucky at all….her husband lies and cheat on her….slept with me unprotected…I’m so embarrassed that allowed myself to fall so deep into his trap…but today I’m finally free…I finally see him for who really is….I want no parts of him…I’m going to throw away everything he ever gave me….

    • Nomad

      His wife is pregnant… did he ever say to you he hadn’t been sleeping with his wife for years? Mine did and if his wife ever gets pregnant, that’s an evident of a liar and my awakening rock bottom.

      Mm admitted he’s greedy, couldn’t control himself and will not divorce because his family has been his world.

      • ImFinallyDone

        No he never told me he wasn’t sleeping with her…our relationship changed and he just came around for sex…last time we spoke he told me he wanted to have unprotected sex…and ejaculate inside of me….thank God I didn’t allow that to happen….I don’t understand why…I was so shocked when he told me that…but thank God I didn’t put myself at risk to get pregnant….my whole family hates him…and they would be very upset….

        They look like such a beautiful power couple….I don’t understand why he’s doing this to her…hopefully he changes after she gives birth…

  • ForeverWaiting

    Hi all,

    It’s really hard to reply here to all trying to help, so thought I’d add some key points to sum up the real situation you’re all in rather than what you think it is (for the majority) – just my thoughts after going through the same thing.

    I haven’t seen the AM (Attached Man, 14 yrs with his gf and mother of youngest daughter) for almost a year since the day after my birthday, and stopped talking to him last September. Awful stuff happened at work so he lost his job – the dept went through transformation and was horrendous losing him at work, my rock for 5 years (and in the week, he stayed for 2 nights, but living 70 miles away I no longer got to see him! shocking feeling after spending 5 days a week with him and up too 3 nights) – but it ended up being the BEST thing that could ever happen, and I was lucky to have his friend rent my spare room as he was 1 contractor that stayed on – so wasn’t financially dependent on the AM. After finding this site, I realised my story was no different from others….. so that’s it in a nutshell! Your stories aren’t any different either – different circumstances, but the rest? They are all twins! triplets! Same personality. Same lies.

    1) You cannot ‘break up’ with your MM, he is with his wife/Significant other as his full time out in the open relationship, the affair is just that, an affair. My ex AM was so convincing, even friends asked if we had ‘broken up’ (the few that knew and had met him). Impossible! You’re never together to actually break up, even if they convince you you’re their girlfriend and the one they love blah blah BS.

    2) Of course they will make their wife No:1, they don’t want to be caught, they cleverly cover every step, remember these men are devious, only devious men cheat for so long nastily manipulating both sides. you leave? he’ll stay with his wife, he is NOT that unhappy with her!
    If I was someones wife, I’d expect to be put first…if not, I’d ask questions. oh yes…they have wives, you’re not even priority No 109….. because he does not respect you, or anyone for that matter. And if you’re a secret? You’re nothing in his ‘real’ life. And why would you want to be? He is not to be trusted by anyone, poor kids…parents…their friends too…..

    3) The golden period – they will suck you in, become laid back because you give give give…., they change goalposts (massive red flag I should have realised after a year…went back on everything he said like not caring if his gf moved with the daughter back home 200 miles away to then wanting her to stay close…so he needed the business to earn more money to make sure of this….oh so he needed more time…I gave him another year…and another…and another…..get the drift?!) – But we UNDERSTAND! of course we want what is best for their kids/business/finance, we are empathetic caring intelligent women, we do understand, no rush, must not be hasty, things have to be perfect before they leave….sure, carry on lying to us both the next year, move goalposts in 12 months time…I will understand AGAIN. Oh, what a lovely lovely man! his wife is so so lucky to have him…… (If I had understood, I’d have stopped after kissing him the first ever time and ran a mile or 10!)

    4) You forget normality, you forget what it is like to have someone with you on a Saturday night and you are their only attention, no secrecy, he is all yours, no sleeping with 2 women, throwing you breadcrumbs but oh he is your best friend!. We talk about being addicted to the MM…it’s actually NEED, they take you through the golden period and then you NEED them.
    They treat you like a queen, we are so so touched – they do everything and they seem to take huge chances (when actually they’re not, remember, they’ve covered their backs) – so they must love us!! We must be amazing like they say as they are cheating on their wives! it’s the wifes fault! And they love US! I mean they must do…sleeping with 2 women and manipulating us both…it must be love, right? they have excuses, we understand….we have no choice, we must not complain, they are doing all they can to leave or trying to resist us….oh it’s all SO hard for them – the poor poor MMs! We sympathise….. and the going round in circles continues….
    No, we are their 5% happiness, brainwashed, like when you first start dating someone, a forever honeymoon, he is a cheater, so is more than happy to enjoy this honeymoon, but as he is a narcissist, he is also very good at making you believe his sweet nothings. Nice men simply don’t do this. Narcs do….this honeymoon went on for 3.5 years for me….but it was also the most heartbreaking and depressing honeymoon period ever. Why? Because I’d kinda like to be the only woman in this honeymoon period – but there seemed to have been 2 of us…. not such a great honeymoon, not such a great man.

    I will end this there for now and add more soon. I understand, myself and others were where you all are a 1-2 years ago. Support each other on here (I’m meeting LittleFrenchie tomorrow, she is in the UK!! we have spoken for almost a year and been each others rock! she too is beautiful, intelligent, great job – but like us all, got sucked in, as such a nice lovely person).

    And remember, EXPECT PAIN! I promise you, it will go in time…mourn, cry, eat, don’t eat… the reason why it is so hard is because it’s not even a usual break up! I was going crazy, all over the place for a few months…but that’s fine, it’s all healing. You have been used and your spirit abused, which makes it harder. But I’d never ever ever go back! And like me, after time, I also promise you you won’t even LIKE your MM, in fact, the thought of him will make you feel sick, because you’re realise what this is all about. HIM.

    Make it about YOU….. life is too short, your time is utterly precious, love the man who gives you him AND respects you. He is out there….and remember, love yourself, because you aren’t whilst entangled in the MM manipulation and lies. Give yourself years to move on, but do, because only you can change things, only you can end things, you’re in charge of your life. Good luck! xx

    • Lara

      Forever waiting, THANK YOU! for such a thorough and inspiring letter.
      You really are spot on with your list of things. I have not had contact with the MM since Palm Sunday. We had a very long off and on affair lasting years and he works next door to my house. I have so much to say and so many warnings for other women in this situation but I know one really has to reach a “bottom” with a MM before one is ready to stop seeing him. Mine was seeing him hand in had with his wife on my street! I agree with you that these men all have the same lies and seem to be triplets! They are not good men and really we could never be happy with them as they are cheaters and liars. But we get blinded by the excitement and the sex and the passion and we call it “love”. It is so addictive! But so toxic too.
      I agree we are nothing in their lives and their wives and marriages are not that bad. I have been making it my business to make him nothing in my life too since Palm Sunday. All the caring I did for him was thrown away by him as he already had a wife at home. When my parents (elderly) became ill this year he was nowhere to be found. Ditto for when I had job stress this year. It was always only about HIM. A typical narcissist. It took me so long to figure this out but at least yes I did figure it out at last. But of course he wanted me to stick around. And why wouldn’t he? I was great for fun and adventure and I was never going to “tell his wife”. But like you said these men are not to be trusted and that is why their wives often watches them like hawks. I could go on and on but you and I both know these men all run the same game and use the same script. They are not worth the time or trouble.
      I have learned too: Life is short! And there are other fish in the sea! I got so tired of trying to be happy with my few crumbs. I am all crumb-ed out!

      • Nomad

        It’s so hard to believe that the “love” is reduced to lies after all … I’m still in a state of denial and each time I thought I’ve hit rock bottom…

        I know it’s not worth it but I really don’t find any meaning and any ounce of energy to live anymore…

        Been sitting around for half a day replaying how we evolved and reduced to nothing within a year and 3 months of lame nc, seeing the end soon now that he has found new interest and novelty to occupy the space I let out. It is no longer about me even I rarely asked him for a 1 hr lunch. He was excited about his new purchase, I was and we were forgotten (avoided). He blamed it on me that I killed us by blocking him until he now gave up and channeled his energy to new terrain.

        It scares me to read that some have been going through NC for months and some were with mm for years and still feeling the pain..

        I don’t know how to live day to day in a way to love myself…

        • VickiP

          My heart goes out to you! We all know the pain. We all know the despair. I wish I could say anything to make you feel better. But there isn’t. Big hugs to you.

        • ForeverWaiting

          Ignore everything the MM has said.

          Not relevant. None of it is. It does not matter. None of this.

          You sound depressed, myself and LittleFrenchie (who I met yesterday I’m from the UK and she is from France, hence the name!) both suffered depression when we pulled away and tried to move on (and have, better than ever). LittleFrenchie ended up on anti-depressants for a few months (AL part of healing and helping yourself). I felt like you and had a stressful time at work so took 3 weeks stress leave. I was ‘depressed’ but still felt a sense of relieve. When you feel down, ti’s almost like the scar to start healing…. when you are ‘happy’ with your MM, there is no way out as that feeling is nice.

          take this sad depressed feeling as a start of healing…get worse before you get better, like any injury.

          You only feel the pain if you can’t accept the lie, accept they were NOT nice men, accept it’s not over as it never started but there is nothing. The MM are with their wives, not us, simple. There is nothing more to it. Whatever BS they spin you.

          Get counselling, go to the doctors – stop making life about him as he never ever made his life about you. All this time you’re obsessing over someone manipulative who makes you feel like sh*t, are seconds, hours and days wasted on GOOD THINGS. He does not care, none of them do.

          Stop asking him for anything, you’re asking the wrong guy!

          Get some help, it will go a long way. Find other people to text and chat too, go online dating (with caution, filter well and don’t believe all people say). Fill the void with other stuff….but please please get help. You had a life before him…he hasn’t been your life…go and get that life back! He is nothing. Just nothing.

        • Trish

          Hi Nonad
          I understand but it will get better. No they don’t think about use nor do they care. They have truly moved on to other interest that can give them what they want. Of course it will always be our fault because they don’t take responsibility for NOTHING. My mm lied and cheated and it was my fault. Every time we broke up I initiated contact, that speaks volumes of how he feels about me and us. His daughter was always convincing me to go back. Now my number is changed and I speaks to no one. It is hard as he’ll. 9 years is a long time to end up with nothing and have to pick up the pieces and move on. The only person that can do this so well is them. That says a lot.

        • Lara

          Nomad, please try to get some help outside of this board. The isolation of our affairs makes it harder for us to heal because most of the time our closest friends and families may not even be aware of what is going on with us! Affairs are very destructive like the author of this blog Laurie says. Obsessive love is destructive! And very isolating. Depression is quite normal after pulling away from such a destructive force. I know for me I needed counseling and anti-d’s and I had to do a LOT of reading here and other places to understand my MM was never going to make me his one and only. But he never wanted me to leave him either. So I stayed stuck for years breaking up and then going back. This was my pattern. Now I am making myself and my own family (i have two grown sons) my priority. I have been disciplining myself each morning to consider and DO what I need to do for myself and my health and general well being. Little by little the depression will lift and you will see that you MM was not worth your time and energy! Please take care of YOU! Sending hugs, L.

      • ForeverWaiting

        Thanks Lara 🙂

        Yes agree you have to reach rock bottom, the real rock bottom, something usually happens to put you there – but it’s the best thing that could ever happen to make us pull away from these toxic situations.

        These ‘men’ (I use that term loosely!) are not unhappy in their marriages…but they DO NOT have marriages, I don’t call a marriage or a relationship just that when a one side is having an affair, pursuing other women/men, lying and being deceitful. Not much of a marriage to me! They have nothing with us and nothing with their wives, these people/men live in their own sick screwed up fantasy world.

        You MM’s wife was holding a hand that has been all over another woman….that poor woman has no idea (one day, I hope she does). When I get married and hold my husbands hand, I’d like it to have only of touched me since we got together.

        There is no love in the marriage or respect, there is none of that with the affair partner too – the marriage isn’t real, the affair isn’t real….. we live THEIR lies.

        Haha all crumbed-out- spot on! The transformation at work was the most stressful thing I’ve been through, workwise, and the AM lost his job…what a bad time…but the best ever! I soon realised, without work, we were nothing, less than the nothing we were and I didn’t realise. Like if your MM got a job 30 miles away and not next door…you’d have seen him a lot less.

        These men are opportunists, that’s all. Lets not give them that opportunity. give opportunity to those lovely men out there who are single, genuine and have respect.
        it was the most tiring and stressful time of my life (even though I got on with my life)- I’ve been through worse with exes but they gave me their time. It was just 2 of us. Out in the open. Real.

        We will never tlel the wife, that’s why we are ‘chosen’ among our other qualities. If I did tell the wife/gf, it would be for the poor woman to escape, he could be SO horrible, I feel sorry for her living with such a nasty demon. I pray all these wives and gf’s of theirs are set-free, as they deserve better too.

        • Lisa

          U know its true these mm have nothing real with us and certainly not with their wives. Their Vows dont matter to them. Their heart isnt with their family. If it was and if they did then they never would be having sex with anyone but their wives. We need to remember ladies, WE ARE THE LUCKY ONES as we know these men for what they are capable of and we know what they do. We see them as they do it. So seeing the mm with their wife, the one they made their vows with shouldnt make us depressed or leave us feeling like losers or wearing these labels of hurt our emotions make us feel, or any of the other negative light we paint our selves . What we should feel instead is, 1. flattered that we attracted a man that is married and should only be making advances to his wife, 2. Empowered because we hold the cards to take things where we want it to go … that only works if we pass on his advances btw and 3. Shes the one stuck with that fraud that really isnt a good man as our fantasy portrays him to be.
          LADIES LETS STOP GIVING THESE MM THE BEST OF OURSELVES . THEY DONT DESERVE IT AND THEY SURE DONT APPRECIATE IT. THEY ONLY USE IT , MAKING US FEEL USED. SCREW THAT.
          WE ARE BETTER THAN THAT.!

    • Nomad

      Forever waiting, please promise me I’ll heal, mm is not the love of my life…and that after time, i won’t even LIKE my MM, the thought of him will make me feel sick. It’s just impossible and unattainable now, today, tonight

      • ForeverWaiting

        Nomad – I promise you!

        Why will your MM make you feel ill? Because when you start healing, you start to feel better (you will, BUT YOU need to make steps, change your life in very small ways, but do it, only you can do this, no one can wave a magic wand, you need to be productive) – then when you think back, you’ll start to also stop thinking about all the ‘good’ times (I had an amazing time, but, now looking back, those amazing times make me feel truly nauseous – because it was a lie, he was manipulative, it was all controlling rubbish, and there I am on a short 2 day break with him, or day at a theme park, or a night on the sofa with food, wine and a comedy movie, laughing and smiling……thinking he was my world, I was his as he said, I devoted every second of my mind on him for 3.5 years….thinking I’d be with him until the day I die and beyond, but it was all BS…nothing short of BS).

        you need to start thinking of all the sad times, and the times when you were happy and then turned sad (he went home, you lay in bed upset…he let you down…he got angry etcetc). STOP putting him a pedestal – this goes to all of you.

        What we have in common with these men is they are obviously cold selfish nasty creatures (to do this to their wife, then you, then all others involved) but all women (and men who in same position) here and ALL websites have stated their MM/ attached man is

        1) Successful – which means they have high confidence, probably push to get what they want and most lie to get to the top…. we all do, think of fibs on CVs, in interviews…subtle BUT that’s what they are doing with you. How else do you think they’ve managed to accumulate wealth, big house, kids and a wife who puts up with their horrible temperament (whilst giving the golden period to you, they are not being nice to their wives…. poor women, poor us)

        2) The have money & bug houses – they all have money to wine and dine us, treat us like princesses….most are a bit or much older, the younger ones have as much in the bank, to create the world THEY want. How many of us have said ‘My MM is poor, he lives in a 1 bedroom flat with his wife and child, we can’t afford to eat out….he earns minimum wage’ etcetc?! NO ONE ON HERE!!
        Yes those with little money have affairs, and no way are all successful men cheaters…but the long term ones who have NO intention of doing the RIGHT THING and leaving, right for their wives to find someone who respects them and right for the affair partner too….we this website are entangled in.

        Would these men have such emotional, physical, spiritually and mental control over us if they weren’t wealthy, terribly confident, cold and calculation plus live in denial themselves? NO!. But we look up to them….and it’s MADNESS! these are not the sort of men I’d want my niece to look up too (I don’t have kids).
        I’d tell her to run a mile or 100….. men who are honest, have integrity, respect for all and love in a genuine way….are the men you’d want your daughters, friends, nieces…mothers…grandmothers to be with – so, why would you accept being with anyone less yourself? Because they are professional liars. Cold. live in their own dream world they’ve dragged you in too.

        It’s a long road, to recover and move on…but unless you start that journey, you’ll never get there. Last January, an ex date from almost 10 years ago who I still spoke to said ‘he won’t leave, I bet in a years time i’ll be the saying the same thing and you’ll be 4 years in’ – i said no no you don’t understand, it will happen this year, he promised….it’s the business and money, his other daughter etc.

        Well, that friend was right, by January this year I’d not seen him for just over 4 months…..now almost a year on and 12 months since last speaking to him, and 4.5 years after he cried saying he couldn’t take his girlfriend any longer and I was the best thing to happen to him…he is still living his family live, growing his business…and getting on as normal. he lief for 4 years making out they did nothing and had no life – but what another friend pointed out ‘how do you REALy know whats going on at home? I bet he keeps things normal, and lies’ – that was last September, after that comment, I never texted the attached asshole again.

        And I feel sick at the thought of him as it wasted my time, my precious mid 30s, he got all my friends I introduced him to to like him, my parents loved spending time with him (they thought he was my flatmate part time)….for me he was the best thing ever….at the time, when you’re IN THE DRAMA….you have no idea how they are actually HAPPY living 2 lives. I hate him too as he stopped me dating, fully knowing I’d meet someone. I did, and now realise again what true love is, not the BS he controlled me with. My bf is mine 24/7.

        It is hard…all I will say now is start dating, just casually, companionship, and soon you look back and think ‘I can’t believe how awful the affair made me feel, yet I stayed in it’.

        Start your journey, expect bumps in the road, to date a few idiots…but trust me, living without the MM is MUCH easier than living in what now I see as hell. Sending hugs and love X

        • Nomad

          Forever waiting, hugs and thank you for your promise!

          I’m feeling drowsy after taking anti-d and crying my heart out. but quick updates/ response to your msg:

          1) mm is not rich nor successful; he’s my peer, younger but struggling to survive work stress and bringing bread & butter home (his wife was out of job for 2 mths). He has no big house or luxurious cars. I’ve achieved much more at work at home compared to him. I was lacking love (mundane and being taken for granted) and attention and found mm incidentally.

          2) I fell hard for mm for reasons that I couldn’t find or get from my spouse. They are very different. Mm is a talented artist who could paint, draw and compose songs. He may be trapped in another industry but his dream is to pursue art once he’s done with his responsibilities towards his family. He did all that priceless and romantic things for me. He said I inspired him to draw and compose songs and poetry. We knew he couldn’t shower me with material stuffs given but he could give me what money couldn’t buy, what I couldn’t get from my spouse. That’s why I thought he’s real and deep and he’s different, we were different. His guilt and fear would get in the way whenever we grew overdosed of each other emotionally and physically hence he retreated and be back after he forgot the paranoid and jealousy and insecure shit from him which drained him and turned him off. Last was he hinted that I’m possessive which my spouse thought I was emotionless, how ironical.

          So, he’s my first and last. I’m married with teenaged kids (vs. his young kids) so I’ve no option to move on by dating another. I ever “joked” about let’s divorce our spouse and be together after his youngest reaches 18yo(>10years later). At the beginning, his response was let’s do it, let’s dream and keep it alive, and one year on, his response was evasive as if I was Glenn Close in fatal attraction, he’s so fearful that I’ll wreck him and his family.

          I’ll upd again after I reach office tmr. My heart is so tight and heavy, hurts and I can’t breath properly… i wish I’ve hit rock bottom (eg. his wife got pregnant or I bumped into them looking so loving and exposed his lies). I wish i stop wasting my life over him.

  • Angie

    Its like starting NC all over again after so much bitterness. Day 5 of NC today, since he came back to insult me last on Saturday..It still hurts, pain continues to be there but not as much as before. Wen i look back at April, May & June, i would say i was a mess! Broken, Distressed, Lunatic, Stress.. All the time!! am much better now.. healing process is very very very slow but it is there.. One thing is for sure that he wont try to contact me again, which gives me strength to move on… Another thing I have realized is that i had been so harsh & derogatory towards my hubby while i was with mm…. i ignored hubby’s needs & always put mm first, but mm always puts his wife’s needs first.. m nowhere in his priority list & he used to do nothing, n i repeat, ‘nothing’ that wud cause stress to his wife or put his marriage at risk…Maybe thats the reason he escaped god’s justice or karma as they call it.. hes soo happy with his life… has everything one can dream of: Awesumly high-paying job, more money, perks, abroad trips, family… hes havin a gala time while m stuck in a horrible job & struggling to find a good job.. m in pain & feel so used and fooled.. the good part is that m nomore a pawn in his game & moved out to live with dignity & happiness…

    • J

      Good luck and I hope he leaves you alone. Actually I hope he comes crawling back again but you completely ignore him. No insults, just ignore. Silence can be deafening. Your words really are making me realize that my mm always puts his wife’s needs before me. No matter what. She always comes first. If she says jump, he asks how high? He never ever does anything that puts himself at risk. He has no problem breaking plans with me, blowing me off completely, etc… Keeping his life intact comes first. This has changed little by little. In the beginning he did whatever he had to do to get me. Was the sweetest most accommodating man who put me first! Little by little it all changed. And it absolutely disgusts me thinking of what I’ve put up with. Yet, he talks about what a fat idiot his wife is all of the time. Unreal, but he will do anything to keep that fat idiot (his words, not mine) fooled. I’m young, attractive, have a good job, motivated, active, why deal with this nonsense?!

      • Angie

        Thanks for replying J! Wat a nice example of jumping.. its true for him as wel. 😁😁 its got nothing to do with ur mm or mine, but its the universal problem!! After reading comments of almost a 100 women frm diffent parts of the world on this forum, i hav realizd all mm put wives’ needs before anything n everything.. they hav to do it to keep thm happy n stress free so that they can get away with cheating on women like us who r nothin but a 3rd wheel… this buffoon maintains such a goody 2 shoes image in front of his inlaws.. as if there cant b a better son inlaw & husband than him.. BULSHIT!! Wen we had our last conversation on sat, i told him i had no interest in hearing stories of ur influential in laws but had to put up with ur bs.. to which he insulted me by saying he too gives a SHIT to my family.. I feel like calling his inlaws n telin thm his reality.. i used to send gifts for his son everytime n help him but gifts for his family (even his wife) n he has the audacity to tel me he gives a SHIT to my family.. WOW!! This is called true love & a real man!! as far as ur story abt puting u first in the beginning is concerned, plz read other women’s n mine stories n u wil get to know u werent the only one who got that presidential treatment initialy 😜😜they all show sum other face only while trying to woo us.. mine used to shower me with msgs allllll the time.. once he got me, the frequency reduced n eventualy, he stoppd!! He wud bluntly say he was busy or even lazy to msg! He used to cry in frnt of me so many times pleadin me never to leave him else he wil b shattered.. wheres that man gone now? I often blamed myself or my behavior that maybe caused him to change but this is how he always was.. be strong n if u feel the need to talk, write to me on angelina.ryan88@gmail.com

  • Nomad

    Met mm for lunch, 2 days after we had sex, why wasn’t I surprised that he turned cold, avoided looking into my eyes, his eyes no longer sparkled for me but only when he talked about his novelty on cars. He avoided heavy topic. I asked if I’m no longer his novelty. He said he has been distracting himself with new obsession on cars over the two months when I blocked him. He asked if I wanted to hear a white lie, if yes, then I’m not his novelty, I’m not a passerby, I’m there to stay. Truth is, he didn’t know but he has gotten used of me blocking him and thanks to me, he filled the void I’ve left with new interest, exciting novelty. He was so different during lunch compared to 2 nights ago when he talked me into sex, how much he missed me, how hard he tried to call me daily and by chance I’ll pick up his one call after 10attempts. How soothing my voice was and he asked if I’m still his baby.

    Over lunch, I scrutinized his face and I found a stranger… what do I still need from him? What do I still see in him? He’s no longer giving me attention (blame on me and my blocking) and affection (blocked, lost the emotional connection but living on past good memories). He’s only romantic and sweet when he’s horny (which he said i accused him and he’s mad that I think so low and ill of him. He’s tired of “loving” me due to expectation of him, having to always assure me. My negativity has rub it off on him.

    I can no longer believe him. I’m no longer getting love, attention, affection, desire from him so why am I still stuck ?! Back home, I broke down and cried so hard for the 1st time ever since I “decided” to end it with greatest determination after he had celebrated my birthday with me 3mths ago. It had been lame NCs. What puzzled me was, at least twice, I truly wanted to start afresh with him but whenever I’m back, he becomes cold and distant, why didn’t he treasure me? Only yo miss me when I restarted the cold turkey NC. What’s happening? After two mths, I stopped questioning what’s wrong with him? What’s he thinking etc. i know the answer, he has never loved me or want me enough. I was foolish and convenient. Suddenly I do not wish to see him ever or speak to him because I’m mentally trapped and exhausted , my words carry no weight, I’ve lost my credibility, he’s only telling me lies or things that it’s safe for me to hear.

    Cheating is fundamentally and morally wrong. I know. I’m guilt stricken when I’m home seeing my hubby who’s so stressed at work, struggling to Keep his job and he took for granted that I’ll understand he has no mood to shower me with affection and make love. so I got what I wanted from mm then (12mths + 3mths of lame NC). Mm served my needs bsck then.

    Now Since mm has changed, what’s left for me to hold on to? When will i ever wake up to the harsh truth that I must let go and move on, how to be strong hearted to resist a mm succumbing to addiction. I unblocked him just to find out he didn’t text me at all when he was online. So I blocked again, hopefully this time it could last a longer NC like 11 days.

    I’m so confused. I’m heart broken again. I’m feeling hopeless abt NC. It has done more harm to me than him.

  • Peculiar Lady

    My situation is slightly peculiar. Not long ago I moved from New York where I was completing my masters to London, where I landed my dream job. My married boss and I became very friendly, and noticed an undeniable sexual tension which we found weird, but both acted badly and pursued. We decided to have sex once and see if that may kill the tension. (I must mention that at work we are very sexually open and all adults about it so it’s quite an easy thing to do without anyone being suspicious) It was fun at first, but the sex ended up being so good, we did it over and over again. I became a different person and went on a journey of self discovery sexually. I am now so sexually aware of myself and have definitely grown in that regard sleeping with an older man who worships my femininity. He always says he doesn’t understand why the sex is so good, that the goodness is running us. Apart from the sex, we became best friends. My parents got separated quite young so I never had much of a dad and he became the father figure in my life. He is always there for me, through everything. At work, people call me his baby because he is 14 years older and everyone knows we have a great relationship, he is my mentor, I look up to him and he is always looking out for me, so naturally I’m his baby. In fact people tell us we think alike and behave alike. Someone even started saying that we look alike. He’s helped me become the person I am today and I really admire him, his advice, his care, his push, his friendship, everything, but the bad part is that I love him in a way that I shouldn’t. So many times we’ve tried to end things. Usually coming from him, he feels guilty because he feels like he is taking me down a path in life that he is so ashamed of and he is meant to love me and be like a dad to me but doing this kills him because he feels like he is destroying me instead. Because of the relationship we have and the fact that we actually know what this relationship is doing to us is so crazy. We’ve stopped the sexual part for a few months now and have tried to move on but the desires have grown so much stronger. It’s so weird that we know what is right for both of us and it’s so hard to do it.
    At some point, his wife was away so we spent almost everyday together and our bond only grew stronger, finding out how much we have in common and were great together. Another odd part is I don’t want him to leave his family for me, I’m young and I don’t know if I want to marry him, plus I love his family together, and because I love his kids so much, I would hate for them to break up. He’s never said he would leave his wife either and I’m not like one of those people that wants him to. He’s totally honest with me. He always says this kills me because I have a wife who loves me and has made so many sacrifices for me, and this is how I repay her? He never really says bad things about his wife. Sometimes she does things to upset him and because of how close we are, he’d say it, and I always try to help him see her persepective. In fact a lot of the time, I tell him he found the one for him that I could never have married him because of his BS. And a few times he says if he married me, I would’ve left him because I’m too much of a millennial to have patience with him. We really want to be the people everybody thinks we are in each other’s lives. It’s so bad even his wife sees me as his first child and she’s so friendly and nice to me.
    Most times we are happy because he treats me like a princess, and there was a time where we fought quite a bit but now we understand each other so well, and have been through a lot together and been there for each other.
    Other times, we go into this phase where we both feel guilty for what we are doing to each other and end up hating ourselves for the decisions we make.
    This is a harder relationship to get out of I think because we are both trying to get out of it, without losing the deeper bond we have. The last time he said to me I can be sleeping with any 20-something year old anywhere in the world, but it shouldn’t be you, because I love you, want nothing but the best for you and I know this is destroying you. We haven’t had sex since then, but we have had phone sex. We saw each other a few days ago, just to catch up because I had been away for a while and he was also going on holiday in a few days. We hung out in public and he dropped me home, we made out and had really passionate hugs but we didn’t have sex which we were both super proud of. It feels like progress at the moment, but I don’t think we are strong enough and I’m scared we are going to fall back into this.
    I also get a bit emotional about the fact that he always has to go when we spend time together because I’d rather fall asleep in his arms, but at least 8/10 times I need him or want him around, he finds a way to be there. I know that’s not the same as someone being yours and if anything it should scare me that he is able to make that happen with a wife and kids.
    One of our biggest fears is that we would never be able to end this till it blows up in our face and destroys the relationship and nothing would kill us both like if we lost this relationship. How do we mend this before it gets too late ?

    • J

      Sorry to tell you but there’s just no mending until you say goodbye to each other. And that means never seeing each other again. My mm often says very similar things to me. He’s quite a bit older and says he’s not right for me and wants the absolute best for me. But then he just can’t resist me. He tries to stay away sometimes, but as soon as he sees me, he says that he melts. He’s my best friend too. I feel like he’s my whole world sometimes. We talk non stop all day. Sometimes I want to stop talking to him when I get jealous of the time he spends with his wife. But I can’t do it to him because I know it would devastate him. It’s so hard.

      • ForeverWaiting

        Hi J,

        I’m ForeverWaiting and have been trying to reply to others on this website as it’s been almost a year since I saw the ex AM (Attached Man) and what I didn’t realise a year ago – what we think or have been manipulated to believe is not true, far from it – nothing is real, the feelings, love…care…nothing (unless he leaves his significant other, to be with you full time).
        I haven’t read your story but just wanted to say your MM does not want the best for you (mine still said that 6 mths after I stopped talking to him, emailed me out the blue in March), because if he did, he’d walk away and let you get on with your life. Trust me, his intentions are purely selfish and you hearing that makes you WANT to see him and carry on pining. He knows this, he wants to come across as the good guy…and it works.
        Myself and all the others on here that broke away heard the same lines, taking others experiences and realising mine was no different helped me realise what a narcissist he is and was. I was trapped for 3 + years, looking back it was all horrific! I guarantee you’ll all be happier once over the initial shock than you ever ever have been with the MM. Then you look back and think ‘what was I thinking? what a waste of my precious time and life!’

        Any man who is more than happy to cheat, married or not, won’t resist the person they fancy and who is enabling their cheating and welcomes them with open arms….what a pathetic excuse, even if his wife IS the devil. He has got away with it, he will continue manipulating you both. Who wants a ‘man’ like that? not me! It’s not love, it’s pure destruction, and it’s all about THEM.
        I used to feel jealous of the long term (14 yrs) girlfriend, all the time, I’d lie in bed alone feeling awful – but at the time I was blind and the AM helped me in other ways I depended on (money, support….oh and yes… he was my best friend! he encouraged me work and play…my mentor…my counselor…. oh how I laugh now at him taking advantage of my trusting sweet empathetic nature!).

        Now? I feel sorry for her! Poor poor woman! Whilst he was having sex with me and staying 2 nights a week playing happy families away, she was looking after his daughters and running the business…..what a horrible horrible person he is! But of course, it was all her fault….same old lines……that bad? leave! No? ah you’re jsut a nasty cheater!

        He is carrying on his life like he wasn’t cheating in the worst way possible for 3.5 years, leading 2 lives, I even met his youngest 3 times between her age 1.8 and 2.5! (she got too old and would have repeated her day to her Mum) There are no boundaries, the AM/MMs have no heart, it’s everyone elses fault. The blame is on all around them… all a boring blame game. I got blamed for lots too…and dare I EVER complain! (madness looking back, utter madness!)

        I too was convinced my AM would be devastated, I had reduced him to tears before…but when it came to the crunch, we no longer worked together, so didn’t see each other….i pulled away…. he just left it (stopped giving him fuel). Trust me – if your MM would be devastated, he wouldn’t be with his wife, it is as simple as that. I started dating after about 4 weeks, wow it opened up my eyes, even when the first guy messed me around….normality! And no BS. Good luck!

  • Nomad

    I’ve caved in after 4 days of NC. I’m feeling used but it’s my choice I know. I did it in the name of love (I want this man, I miss him, his smell, his attention – in crumbs but intense, and his lies – that he loves me). My heart won and I lost my rational and righteous mind. Effort wasted, days of living like zombies, sleepless nights crying myself to sleep, forcing and faking myself to move on, all forgotten in the spur of the moment when he appeared at my office after work. No harm for coffee so we went but we ended in a room, as usual, had a great time just to suffer days weeks after that living in guilt, anxiety, insecurities, regrets and exhaustion

    2 months of lame NC, I didn’t initiate contact but occasionally I responded to his to satisfy the withdrawal of the addiction and to ease the pain while healing. I was making slow but good progress like I could sleep/stop checking phone/stop waiting because I’ve blocked him/stop unblocking him!!!/ I could enjoy more good days without obsessively wasting my life while he’s able to live normally at home. I could consciously make effort to cook, to go out with friends, to focus at work on good days. I thought i am moving on fine. I read and reread the threads here everyday, feeling encouraged and fighting hard to quit mm together with angels here, some stories were as if mine!!! Now I am lost. I unblocked him but since we parted last night, he hasn’t text me. Not even good morning like he used to do so to let me know he thought of me the moment he woke. Last night when I reached home, he text “reached home? I better text u else u b mad again thinkin y I didn’t care if u reach home safe” I apologized to him because I think I hurt his feelings of telling (lying) him I managed to live normally with husband who started to show me affection. I even showed him my husband messages with hearty emoticons. My husband never text me as he’s a busy man who live to work so that explains why I surrendered to a mm & affair. Mm looked hurt and forlorn when he heard that I’ve moved on and I don’t need sex, his sweet talk, passion & affection feelings faded, I’ve come to my senses, I’m living well (I lied in his face as much as I could because I’m angry that he’s the one who could switch me off and live better). Then he looked so sad that he lost me, he asked me how could I when we were real and deep. I know he wants to eat his cake, let’s satisfy our needs that we couldn’t get at home. As a woman, I couldn’t stay in the grey area. But after trying so hard on so many rounds of NC in jun/jul, the longest was 6-7days. Fast forward, I soften and he talked me to a room.

    What shall I do this time? Start another round of NC? Or give another try with mm? *deep breath*

  • J

    This whole situation is so tiring and sickening that I can hardly even stand my own thoughts anymore. I’m usually a very happy and upbeat person who jokes around. People have asked me what is wrong. How can I let this one person control my life and happiness?! It’s so horrible. He spent lots of time with me on Friday because he secretly took time off work and Saturday while his wife was busy. Told me how much he loves me over and over. Was so sweet. Then Saturday night went out to dinner and to listen to music with his wife. Texted me late that night at 12am telling me he just arrived home and he’s very worried because he thinks she wants sex as she was telling him all night how handsome he is. Then he disappeared for awhile, then came back and said he’s safe because she went to bed. Even told me that he’s sleeping on the couch just to make sure she doesn’t try to touch him. Sunday morning he tells me nothing happened and he fell asleep on the couch. But then tells me that his wife told him she had a wonderful time going to dinner and listening to music the night before. I asked him if he had a good time and he tells me that he did. This is very confusing to me as he texted me throughout the night telling me he was thinking of me constantly. So I asked him why he had a good time. He said it was a great dinner, nice music, and she was fine. I just don’t understand this at all. He had a great time although he texted me saying he was thinking of me constantly and he had to sleep on the couch to avoid sex?!?! That’s a great night?! I’m so confused. He told me Sunday morning he was thinking of me and loved me. But then was rather distant the rest of the day. He also blew me off when we were supposed to meet later on because he supposedly had to help his grown (spoiled) daughter. I’m so sick of the games. I find my stomach actually hurts sometimes while I’m waiting to hear from him. I just never know what he’s going to say. Any words would help. Thanks

    • J

      An update, sure enough he’s done it again. Texted me yesterday that he’s having a very hard time with our “situation.” His wife hasn’t gone to church with him for 20 years, but since her cancer has decided to suddenly start going. Well he claims he feels such guilt because in the mass, the priest was talking about looking to the lord when you have problems in your marriage. He feels like a total hypocrite, as he’s very active in his church. He feels guilty because his grown son and daughter need him around he feels, although neither live at home anymore and are in there 20’s. I wish so badly I could go back to last year when he pursued me so aggressively. I would stay so far away from him. Biggest mistake of my life. If I only knew the heartache and pain.

      • Lisa

        J …
        Awe thats messed up that your going through it while hes over there playing the victim. Not only are you having to carry your own ( bag of) emotions, but hes trying to make you carry his too!?
        Doesnt he think that he may be hurting YOUR feelings by all this? Its an unfair situation for sure hes over there doing the back stroke, while your the one thats getting the short end of the stick.
        Your not alone girl , were all in the same boat.
        Dont be too hard on yourself, save that for him.

    • Nomad

      J, who on earth would be so explicit to his lover in the details between his wife and him ?! Didn’t he know your heart will be bleeding and breaking and feeling so helpless as you were listening so far away?! I am feeling so sad reading your story.

  • Angie

    Hi Ladies.. after so many days of staying strong and recovering frm the trauma, m feeling broken & hurt again.. mm succeeded in breaking me agn.. its been more than 2 months that i had broken up with mm. he never tried to convince me to come back but kept ghosting me n thn reappearing once in a while throwing 1-2 crumbs in shape of 1 word msgs saying hi, or writing something spiteful… anyway, i had accepted that its not gona work n was doing fairly good, until he tried sneaking in bak into my life ! the last episode that happnd arnd 2 weeks back where he sent me nasty msgs for ignoring him n i had blocked him (to avenge that, he blocked me back..lolzzz) brought back the pain agn & i found myself crying after many days.. the same day he calld me from an unknown number and tried to reconcile. told me the blatant lies agn that he loves me, wants me back etc etc etc.. i had melted hearing his BS lies agn, but that very moment i realized that the happiness wil last for only 2 minutes n thn back to the drama… desperately waiting for his msgs & calls, feeling disappointed since he still wont have any time for me, being ignored, ranking last or maybe nowhere in his priorities, the jealousy, pain & anger for his wife, n above all, forcing myself to hear his bragging n pretending to b happy in his success.. noway… i was much happier sans all this stress & drama in my life & cudnt imagine bringing those demons back inside me.. i told him politely that i have no harsh feelings agnst u n we can talk normaly but i cant love u the way i did coz last incident has left me shaken (which is true).. i told him i cannot forget the days i faced humiliation from my husband n had noone to share it with (mm had abandoned me that time). i told him lets b frnz to which he had agreed. he ghosted me again for a week n i too kept myself occupied & restricted myself from contacting him… he msgd me on saturday ONLY to brag about his upcoming international trip! asked me nothing about me or anything thats happnin in my life… anyway, i wasnt surprized since it was never about me in his talks.. but i felt so jealous to hear abt his trip! in hindsight, i was more pissed coz he has a tendency to contact me ONLY to brag abt his stuff.. i started having flashbacks of all his atrocities towards me & got so pissed that i ended up requesting him not to msg me agn. told him m much happier now than i ever was all these months… infact i event told him m happy coz i dnt hav to put up with BS & boring stories about his wife & her influential relatives… to which he punished me by writing a chain of nasty msgs.. said that he too gives A S*** TO MY FAMILY. he brought my mom & sisters in between.. Such a sick bastard.. I blocked him agn & he blocked me back… its been 2 days n he hasnt tried to reach me n i pray he never does! it was meant to end this way but wat hurts me is that he insulted me yet AGAIN! So here’s my list of why cutting him loose was the best decision of my life:
    1. Hes too SELFISH & a big NARC.. contacts me only to brag about himself. Can go on & on & on talking about his achievements (Hes the same man who got fired a few months ago from my company coz of poor performance)
    2. He never had even an iota of love or care for me.. Wen my hubby found out abt us, all he cud do was accusing me of being CARELESS & telin me beyond a point we r not together & i cant do anything for u… (N he still has the guts to try to come back in my life!! )
    3. He just used me for having a good time but could not handle it wen i asked for validation
    4. He did nothing ever to make me feel special or loved.. on my birthday as well, max he could do was calling at 7 pm to wish me (No gift, surprise, celebration, not even a msg at midnight)
    5. Coz hes full of S***, EGO & LIES
    6. Coz m exhausted beyond my capacity to try explaining to him how he neglects me all the time n how i feel abt it
    7. Coz it never was LOVE from his side… he forgot me the moment he left my city
    8. Coz he ghosted me & left me alone wen i was goin thru the biggest crisis of my life.. y did he hav to come back wen i had learnt to move on?
    9. Coz he kept coming bak only to giv me more pain & punish me more.. each time more than the previous time.. i was in an illusion that he makes an effort to reconcile coz he loves me, until i read an article on narcissists.. it said that narcs wont let u break up so easily coz they dnt wana lose their supply..there u go!
    10. Coz this affair has sucked all my energy, peace & happiness out of me while giving me ZILCH in return…
    11. Coz he crossed all his limits this time by bringing in my family in between.. this is his true face which he had been camouflaging all this while..

    I regret cheating on my husband coz of an ******* like him.. hes indeed the most disgusting & the worst person in the history of mankind.. i dont wish anything good for him n pray that he suffers for all his wrong doings towards me.. hope he never contacts me agn to insult me more… As someone here said, thr r no happy endings in the affair! Plz write back n motivate me ladies.. I really need it at this point…

    • Sam

      Angie, you are doing the right thing! It’ll take time to get over these men, but we will! Keep reading and rereading why it’s over.
      My husband and I are separated, and MM asked his wife for the same, not to be with me, nor I with him, just that we were fed up in our marriages. She has turned into a raving lunatic and is threatening him with everything. Last week we agreed mutually to end it. He’s too preoccupied with his shit, and she’s looking to nab him. Yet he reaches out to me every couple of days “just to say hi.” It’s maddening. We are still friends on FB and I won’t block, but I don’t initiate conversation. Yesterday was another “just hi” message. Really? WHY? I’m trying to move on here, don’t follow him on FB, don’t go to his timeline. We have mutual friends, so I will run into him eventually, but he lives 5 hours away, so unless he’s at his vacation home (same city as where my vacation home is, that’s how we met), we won’t see each other. It’s maddening how they still hang on. Why? To keep us hooked? Do they miss us? We had a strong emotional and physical bond, but I’m desparately trying to build my new life.

      So in brief, Angie, stay away and heal your heart, like we all are!

      • trish

        hello everyone, it’s been two months no contact and of course he hasn’t tried contacting me either. I know for sure it is over and has been for a long time. He just waited until he found someone else. My heart is still very heavy and I think about him a lot. 9 years is a long time to waste on someone you never ended up with. He’s a drama king. I will never forget the last words he said to me, which was “you can go about your business”.. Time will heal all wounds.

        • Feeling Lost

          Hi Trish. I feel your pain as well…9 years lost and it hurts like hell. His wife has cancer and he said it brought things into perspective for him. The last thing he said to me was he wasn’t mad about anything and he wasn’t trying to be mean but he had to distance himself because it was just too difficult. I asked if he still wanted to try to be friends and he said yes, definitely. That was almost 4 months ago and we have not spoken since. My heart still hurts but 9 years is a long time to love someone…I guess it will be a long time to fully let go too….every day I keep trying. We have to stay strong! That’s the only way to survive this pain.

    • Lara

      Angie BRAVA!!!!! Specatacular progress!! I have been reading all about what narcissists are like on Quora….there are so many threads on the danger they pose….Perhaps you will like reading there! Seinding hugs L.

  • Needhelp

    Hey all,
    Well I have just had a terrible moment but also maybe a turning point.
    I had started to have suspicions this week that my mm was on holiday with his family. He had told me a few weeks earlier that he had no plans to go with them but I noticed his last seen on WhatsApp was showing strange times suggesting he was out of the country. I left it a few days but eventually today I could hold it in no longer. I sent him a text to say ‘how are You’ then asked him if he was away. Then came the messages…dont start on me…you don’t understand…im having a horrible time…im in a room on my own…im only here for my daughter etc etc.
    I told him he was a liar and not to ever contact me again. I blocked him from whattsapp. He has now just sent me 5 text messages saying I was too hasty in my reply… He is not there because he wants to be…etc etc. Ive not replied to any of them and I don’t intend to.
    My brother got married yesterday and he asked me to read a poem at his wedding. It was all about ‘what love is about’. Whilst I was reading it it was clear to me that nothing what I have with this mm is about love. There is no honesty. There is no being there for each other. There is nothing based in reality. I don’t exist in his real life. I am nothing. It hurt..i nearly burst in to tears just reading it out loud. And then I find today my suspicions are right and he is way with his family again.
    I can’t back down this time because if I do I just look like a fool and he will know he can treat me how he likes. I want to hurt him. I want him to be away on holiday knowing that I have rejected him. I hope it hurts him. Even just a fraction. My hands are shaking as I am writing this and my heart is racing. I am so angry. But I dread that moment when the anger turns into hurt and that feeling that I would do anything just to hear from him or have some kind of contact with him again. Every time I think of him I try to remember a photo I once saw of him and his wife. At the time it was like a knife through my heart and still is in a lot if ways but it makes me realise what is the truth and what isn’t. He has a wife. They are a family. I am nothing but a bit on the side no matter what he says.
    The worst thing is I am due to go on holiday in four days with my kids. It’s a holiday I’ve been looking forward to all year and I really don’t want it to be spoilt by feeling down about all this. But I don’t know how to stop that happening. I suppose I can’t. I need to just remember this man is a LIAR. Would I want to be with a liar? NO. Would I trust this man if ever we were to be together properly? HELL NO. Could i actually forgive and forget all the hurt that ive been through these last few years with him? PROBABLY NO.
    Any words of support would be greatly appreciated right now. I’ve never needed them more xxx

    • Nomad

      I couldn’t call my mm a liar because he did say
      – he will not divorce and his kids are the most important and innocent pple that he loves and will protect at all cost
      – he is going on an overseas holiday trip and he couldn’t say no to his wife who always the one initiating; last yr he bothered to assure me that there was no intimacy with wife during the trip but now I’m seeing it coming in 2-3 mths time and I’ll have the urgency, a deadline to move on before it happens.
      – I’m his fantasy
      – he doesn’t know how to love without guilt and fear

      I too, don’t know how to break away knowing all these harsh truths but I do know I must not sacrifice my own family for someone worthless like mm, thanks to his honesty upfront.

      • Needhelp

        Hi Nomad,
        I think vacation time is the most difficult time of the year. My mm always says he is just going for the kids, they have separate rooms etc – of course I have no real way of knowing if this is true and it drives me crazy. Sometimes I just wish I could get out of my own head because I can’t stand my thoughts any more. I think about it / him from the moment I wake up in the morning to the moment I go to sleep. It has taken over my life.
        I was thinking about this yesterday – my kids are only young ( I split up with my husband not long after the youngest was born) and nearly every photograph I look at of me and my kids i know i was thinking about my mm when it was taken. Every one… It needs to stop. I can’t waste this precious time with my kids dreaming about a mm. I used to respect myself – I left an abusive husband and rebuilt my life. I don’t respect myself any more. I feel weak and pathetic – taking this mm back after saying it was over. Accepting this situation and being grateful for the scraps of attention he gives me. I need to get the old me back. I need to start living in reality. It’s hard but I need to do it.
        I am trying to remember that what will be harder is going through all this again next year and the year after that…
        Good luck to you – this is a horrible place to be. Hopefully we can all break out of it.

        • Lara

          “Need help
          Your list below is AWESOME and it makes me proud! You are doing a great job. This takes real work! I am really speaking from years of experience with my own situation here. Get all the outside help and support you need to get away from this MM and STAY AWAY. Even after all these years of on and off with the same emotionally abusive MM I know he will always take me back” if I just play the game “HIS WAY”. These men rarely if ever go away “for good” they play on our emotions to get us back and then we get back they keep us STUCK.
          As long as I minimize my needs and I respect all of his needs; as long as I ask for nothing but he gets to have his cake and eat it too, my MM will ALWAYS take me back (no matter what games he plays that he is ‘leaving” me). The games are all BS. And why wouldn’t he take me back? He gets great sex for free and never gets caught! So my days with my mm are OVA now that I see how much I have to demean myself to be with him. I would rather use ‘toys” than be with him honestly. At least they are not emotionally abusive! 🙂

      • Lara

        Nomad consider the advantages a MM gets from having a patient kind and sexy woman around them with no other needs than love and romance……. AND A WIFE! Of course they love us! Why not? I had young kids during my long term affair ( I was a single mom and thought no man would want me) But I was a fool and I was very pretty! duhhhh So much of the way we think as women is the way society has conditioned us to believe….we live in a patriarchal culture and we women secretly often believe we are owed less and deserve less than men do. My own mother and father and ethnicity contributed much to this thinking in my head. Misogyny is rampant in our culture just think about it. As women we often come to settle for crumbs believing this is “better than nothing” but we are just plain wrong and even Jesus or God himself would not want us thinking that way about ourselves. We are just as important as the men and so are our needs and our own kids. But it is not easy to think this way because the culture often preaches the opposite. Think about it! with hugs, Lara

    • Lara

      Needhelp
      Whatever you do, please don’t put this man ahead of your vacation time with your four kids. This is a memory-creating time for you and your family and it is precious! Try to feel the gratitude that you have 4 children presumably healthy and give your love to those who need it and want it most, not to a person who is so dumb and selfish as to throw it away. I can not take away your pain regarding this man but the more you etch that picture of him and his wife into your brain the better it is for you. Don’t cave into doubt and security. I know how hard it is. I have been there so so many times. And sometimes I still feel hurt and sad and abandoned and all those things that lead us back to these situations. But the only way he will ever be yours and yours alone is to allow for him to separate himself from his wife and then eventually divorce. You deserve love and your own man! Otherwise this love triangle can keep going on for years and years. Take it from one who knows!

      • Needhelp

        Thank you Lara, I will do my best. I am feeling ok at the moment but I don’t think what happened yesterday has quite sunk in. I know I am going to be in a bad place in the coming weeks as I have been there/here before.
        I have been thinking a lot about this situation and one thing I do know is that it will never change whilst ever I am in contact with him when he is still with his wife. Why would it? He has no reason to change anything! All I have done is make his life more bearable! Well, no more…
        I have been thinking of things to try and help me through this –
        1) stop checking my phone every five seconds to see if he has text me. This has become almost an obsession. I need to stop. I have blocked him on WhatsApp anyway so there is no point! Every time I pick up my phone out of habit I am trying to put it down without looking at it. I can’t tell you how hard it is sometimes but I need to recognise this is an obsessive habit that needs breaking…
        2) concentrate on the people who are actually in my life. In other words ‘choose the people that choose you’. My mm doesn’t choose me and never has done.
        3) try and be kind to myself and know this is going to be very difficult at times. I have tried this before and failed…please not this time…!
        4) remember that if I crumble and go back to him I will be sat here feeling the same next year, the year after that and the year after that. I remember saying this to myself back in 2013 and here I am four years later – sad but true – it can’t go on any longer. I will never have a decent relationship or, more importantly, peace of mind whilst i am stuck here.
        5) try to see some positives in this (although this is very hard). I no longer need to obsess about all the ways his wife is probably better than me, ‘what does she have that I haven’t?’ etc, wondering what he is doing, what are they doing together etc etc… the list goes on…
        6) recognise that this is an OBSESSION. Is it love aswell? I don’t know, but it is definitely an obsession and recognising that makes me realise even more that it needs to be broken.

        So for now I’m going to pack my bikini and go and try to have a great time on vacation with my kids, with the people that matter, the ones who choose me. This is a trip of a lifetime for me and I’ll regret it to my dying day if I don’t make the most of every second. We only get one life and I don’t want to waste another minute of it. I know it will get harder before it gets easier but I guess I can only take it a day at a time…

      • Feeling Lost

        Hi Lara. I read your comment and your thoughts always seem to help me. I guess maybe it is because you have gone through this for so long. Like I’ve said in prior posts, mine was 9 years and I can’t imagine how you went for twice that long. I wish we could talk. I’m having such a hard time right now. I cry a lot, but can’t mourn like I feel I should because too many questions would be asked. Oh the secrecy of affairs. It’s been almost 4 months since I’ve talked to him and I’m still in horrible pain with no one to talk to but my counselor. If you’re ever free to talk, please let me know. I don’t want to hurt anymore.

    • J

      I’m very sorry for your pain. It’s so awful sometimes. Unfortunately I can relate. My mm has been spending lots of time with his wife lately, as she’s recovering from her lumpectomy that was over a month ago. They’ve been going to the beach, dinners with friends, listening to music together, going for walks, etc. It all makes me sick to my stomach. But he says I shouldn’t care because it’s all just as friends, that he feels no attraction to her whatsoever. But he loves her as his friend. Swears they have no physical relationship. Even tells me that she attempts to kiss him and he dislikes it so much. Says it never goes further and even says that he physically doesn’t even think he could with her because she physically repulses him. I never know what to believe. I feel your pain. I’m sorry. I know how much it helps to read the comments of others going through the same thing.

  • Nomad

    Truth abt NC is not what the experts preached that it would help to get the man back. It is to forcibly end things in a cold turkey way. It allows mm to contrast and realize life’s more peaceful and breathable without the affair; the thrills is not worth the risk; their wife should be protected and appreciated as she’s innocent. What else is not clear? He’s lingering for short term pleasure, nothing true, deep nor real abt his “love” which is now gone after NC, without daily connection. Now it’s clearer to him what he wanted me for when he’s “back” initiating pathetic contacts.

    I woke up this morning what popped up in my mind was: I need to persist the NC to protect myself and not to waste life. By now he should’ve bed his wife, no longer sleeping on separate beds (each slept with 1 kid), prepared the other bedroom for the kids so that they can rekindle their deprived married life in the bedroom after few years. By now they should’ve booked their overseas holiday (which put me thru hell when they went last nov). By now he should’ve made plans to celebrate birthdays and excited bonding trips. By now, he is ready to forsake me. So why m i still not letting go? He’s destroying my life and yes I empower him and so I’m to be blamed.

    At times I regretted NC… I killed us… I caused the lost in the momentum and he’s gone.. only to be back for selfish reasons… really painful to go thru these mental flip flops not knowing how am I really progressing

  • Feeling Lost

    My heart still hurts after all this time. It has been over 3 months. Some days I feel I’m doing better and then it hits me. Nine years and now nothing. Some days I just feel total disbelief.

  • Nomad

    I’m angry with myself for not able to move on. He has gotten used of me blocking him and stopped asking me to unblock. He has stopped calling my work desk for past 2 days. Bumped into him at work and I asked if he wanted to meet after work. For the first time he rejected me, no more beaming with gratitude and delight that I’ve actually soften and initiated. He said better not as he ran out of excuse. Of course that’s rubbish, he would find 101 ways to meet me if hevwanted to. I finally feel defeated. Lame NC has faded the attraction, addiction and it has become clearer that the past 1yr was a lie, nothing true nor deep. He became comfortable with life without me. I’m again feeling so painful and hurt.

    How to let go and move on? How not to feel
    Stuck and hating myself for being so cheap?

    • Survivor of an affair

      Hi Nomad,
      I can identify with your story as I did the same with my coworker mm. I too broke up with him countless times only to go running back into his arms when he begged, pleaded and coerced me into getting back together. This last time he responded with a completely different attitude. He took a new tack with a cavalier, indifferent response followed by silence. On prior occasions our no contact would last two days at most before he’d reach out. This time… nada. I’m kind of in shock although I know in my soul that this is a true blessing not in disguise. The same applies to you. Remember that these toxic relationships are addictions and what you’re experiencing is withdrawals. The only way to move past an addiction is to starve it until it dies. I’ll be totally candid. I’m still checking my phone for messages even though I know it’s over forever. There’s definitely a space and I can feel it but it also seems so right. Personally, I’ll take the sensation of a void over a miserable, unsettling, unfulfilling, unhappy semblance of a relationship. Remember we’re creating a space for someone healthy and available to love us whole heartedly. Something that helps me move on and escape the dark thoughts that follow an ending is to remember that they are just thoughts and not reality. We are much greater than our thoughts and our ego. When you find yourself questioning his motives, intentions, etc and feel doubt rising, just stop and do not give life to those thoughts. You’ll only go crazy and wallow in self-pity. Chances are he cares about you, likes you and finds you attractive. These “relationships” are just bad for everyone and there is rarely if ever a success story. By ending this you are rising up. Focus on yourself and erase the questions about what he is thinking or doing. Take care of your needs. This too shall pass. Also, give work all your effort, show up with a smile on your face, engage with coworkers and look your best. Fake it until you make it and remember that the best revenge is living well. God bless.

  • Needhelp

    I saw this quote today, just about sums it all up for me…
    “Never settle for less than you deserve, because you’ll end up with less than you settled for”.

  • Angie

    Hi ladies! am writing after really a long time since i decided to go on MM detox for a few weeks. So its been close to 2 months that we broke up.. We kept havin on & off relationship in these 2 months, but nothing constructive came out of it. I was abiding by my decision of NC but used to reply wen he wud send me any msg. For those of u who do not know my story, my hubby almost found out about our affair after he caught us talkin on phone n watsapping multiple times. The last episode occurred a month back wen mm had called me. He was infuriated & gave me a final warning, saying that m ruining our marriage for a virtual relationship since this man wud never leave his family to be with me if our marriage breaks. (though it was already decided that we wont leave our spouses but will still LOVEEEEEEEEE each other) Next morning wen i debriefed mm about my situation, he told me ‘That is true. We never thought of having a future together 😐 ” he was blunt n firm & told me that beyond a point we r not together & will never be. he blamed me for being CARELESS & told me that i warned u several times that don’t take risk for me …. WOW…. i permanently ended it with him there & then itself thinking sumday he will realize n wil want to come back to me, he will apologize for showing so much insensitivity.. but all in vain.. wenever he msgd me during this 1 month, it was either to fight with me or tel me that he hates me… i experienced heaps of contempt from my hubby all these days accusing me of cheatin on him at every given opportunity.. i was broken but meanwhile, i started rebuilding myself by putting all broken pieces together. i went on mm detox n slowly started healing. i wasnt the same person anymore. i had moved on in my life n the pain was fading away. i was learning to take mm chapter as a joke n wanted to focus on my career & my marriage. but at the back of my mind, he was still sitting, n i wondered if he’s hurting at all… nonetheless, i was happy with my progress. things started settling with hubby as well. But as they say, the devil wont bother u while u r living in sin, he’ll bother u wen u r trying to get out. Last week, out of nowhere, mm called me. (I clearly remember one angel in this forum warned me that he will try to re-enter ur life once things r ok between u & ur hubby..Bingo!! ) he was bragging about his progress & his accomplishments.. how everything hes touching is turning into gold n hes bathing in a pool of money!! (this is the same person who was fired from his job a few months ago & was goin thru major financial crisis.. he constantly needed me to validate & stroke his ego) not only does he hav the guts to reach out to me after all his atrocities towards me, but he spoke as if we never parted. according to him, we never broke up n wer always together.. (really, wat kind of relationship is this where u abandon the other person in distress & disappear for a month?) he never even asked me how r things with hubby, forget abt apologizing. he thinks that he owns me… how can he expect things to be the same between us…. i had clearly drawn a line between us n spoke to him very formally unlike before. he started calling me everyday after that. i took his calls 2-3 times n thn i stopped… i knew for a fact this is gona hurt his narc ego & he wud punish me for that.. last night he sent me a chain of msgs threatenin me that now he wont call me or ping me since m not taking his calls. he said he was only trying to keep it alive without any motive, otherwise he has no time for these things!! he said lots more after that & i too gave him my piece of mind.. then he says that it was a mistake from his side to initiate this relationship, & he is very very happy coz HE SAVED MY MARRIAGE, he said AM A FAMILY MAN, NEVER WANT TO BREAK SOMEONE’S MARRIAGE!! back to the drama that i had exited long back!! 😐 it was like someone twisted my arm that was already broken! i found myself hurting & crying after many many many days.. i was under the impression that there’s a limit to how many tears u can shed for one person & i have already crossed that limit, so now i wont cry for him, but he defeated me yesterday! hes a bloody narcissist & comes back only to make me feel more miserable.. he cant see me moving on but wants me to yearn & cry for him all the time.. he gets a kick by belittling me.. he showed no remorse, or for that matter even showed any empathy coz i had to go thru so much trauma.. its a fact that he never kept me anywhere in his list of priorities or for that matter gave me horrible treatment, but wat puts me totally off him is wen i almost lost my hubby, he cud only show anger for me being CARELESS… i cud hardly get any sleep last night n was bawling my eyes out. i blocked him on watsapp as i was unable to handle his derogatory remarks, to which he punished me by blocking me back!! He called me today mornin & i refused to answer his calls, to which he punished me by sending insulting texts 😐 m tormented by so much abuse & stress.. i thought i was over him nicely but he again managed to chop my head!! Wen is this gonna end??

    • J

      What a sick and selfish man! Stay away from him. You were doing so great with no contact. He’s obviously a narcissistic jerk. Only calling you to brag about himself and then insulting you for wanting to move on. Stay clear! Sorry for your tears

      • trish

        I have found out the hard way when we go back to them, it only give them the impression that what they are doing is okay and it is not. For me this time, I had no contact for 6months and I let his daughter talk me into going back to him, and guess what, it got worse and I feel even worse now. I’m trying my best to take it for what it is, especially since he has told me I can go about my business. I’m contacting him anymore and I sure he will never try to contact me, since he was never the one to initiate contact in the first place. Yes it does hurt and if ANYONE has a better way of getting through this, please share.,

    • Trish

      They are helping me too. I had no contact for a month now and his birthday is Friday. I’m just to the point I don’t care anymore. I thought his daughter was my friend but its not true. She’s friends with the other woman. I sometime sit back and wonder what type of people does this. Keep the faith every one.

  • Forever Waiting

    Hi all,

    I promised myself, when I felt ready, I’d return here. I first found this site last September 2016, and with the help of 3 special angels on here (in 3 different countries!) – I escaped.

    I wanted to return to help you all, as much as I can. I’ve only read a little bit as went to the old blog (I’m ForeverWaiting, you’ll have to go back to at least last November) – but as I was told, our stories are the same. Just different, states, counties, countries and people- all I will say is the same lie.

    Before I make this too long – I want to advise to the few most recent posts that say that have had NC (no contact) and it’s the hardest thing ever etcetc…. that it WILL be!. It WILL hurt, It will confuse, and it WILL take months- BUT, the longer you leave the break, the longer the affair will go on – the longer the real pain will continue.

    Now, just because my AM (attached, for 14 yrs, not married, no difference) didn’t leave, I wouldn’t say that yours won’t. But I must point out, and this is the first thing that triggered in my brain, we are told the same thing, are manipulated (nice men don’t manipulate) and decent people just don’t do this. I was also directed to various Narcissist sites. So, I read and read and educated myself- it was HARD, heartbreaking at first. As in our head, I’m I’m sure you all agree, we are in love, they love us like no other and it’s a horrible messy situation and we feel sorry for them being stuck yada yada. I promise you now, they are not. My ex AM used to cry, write me letters when I pulled away. I found them the other day (finally moved out the flat he partly paid for, he made sure I was financially dependent on him too, some blessings and circumstances meant I could move away from that) and read them realising EVERY SINGLE word was manipulation – and not the ‘love’ he expressed. I told all my friends he was my best friend, love of my life- 3.5 years down the line, and after reading all the Narcissist articles, I triggered his behavior, and realised that’s exactly what he was.

    And since then, the few times he tried to ‘hoover’ me – whether subtly (commenting on mutual friends comments on FB so he appeared, and 6 mths later emailing me when I wasn’t going to my flatmates leaving do as he found out I wasn’t going because of him – trying to persuade me to go as he wanted to ‘catch up’ – what the hell?!) that he ticked every single box!.

    And yep, almost a year since I last saw him…he still hasn’t left (4.5 yrs on….) – this is the guy who claimed to be incredibly unhappy and on the verge of going mad -well he has lasted very well! Lies.

    The problem is, they make us think THEY can’t live WITHOUT us – but I’m sorry to report, they can if they have to. They do, and they will, they are living without us everyday!
    And if you stop chasing, they won’t initiate, unless they know they can keep the affair going. Funny enough I was the last one to text him, but circumstances (we no longer work together, so he doesn’t stay pretending to be in a hotel and he lives 70 miles away) meant he couldn’t see me, so it’s like he gave up too- he couldn’t chase, as he couldn’t offer me anything, so what was he getting?. I was SHOCKED! I took 3 weeks stress leave from work after 2 months 80% to do with him. I had to also share my place with one of his closest friends (3 days a week), but however hard that was, it gave me financially freedom from the ex AM. Finally.

    1. They move goal posts constantly
    2. Each promise of leaving is broken, they need more time
    3. They are lying to you/us and the wife and their family
    4. If that unhappy, they’d leave regardless of if we are in their life (lack of money, kids or assets won’t stop them, millions of people do each year – they WILL find EXCUSES – these will go on for as long as you let them – don’t be the enabler)
    5. I realise now I was in FAR more pain when with him, than after a few months of not seeing him and ‘moving on’. Trust me, I preferred my new life, the freedom mentally!
    6. They will promise the world, and not deliver, ever.
    7. They will promise you’ll be the exception, the 2% of affairs that work out, lie.
    8. Love and respect come hand in hand, the MM/AM don’t possess either
    9. They still sleep with theirs wives, even I fell for that rubbish!

    So again, it WILL HURT. But one thing I found early on, when I was in and out of shock the first 3 months (and it was hard over Xmas, I had a new bf and he is wonderful, but it’s what the AM did to me that knocked me for six) that when dating, it was AMAZING to have a ‘love life’ on a weekend, I started to feel normal. I started dreading Monday mornings at work. I opened my eyes. I felt normal again. The women on here SAVED me. My angels.

    My ex bfs have all been emotionally, financially and unfortunately physically abusive, I’m still having nightmares about them (the ex AM caught me at a VERY vulnerable time, ring any bells?!) – I dislike him much more than any of my exes I would have a conversation with now, they were devoted to me – he wasn’t.

    It is VERY hard when you’re in it, I was exactly the same, but read read and do more reading. It’s so hard, when you realise they are snuggling up in bed with their wives (don’t believe otherwise, if they didn’t, the wife would think…..you guessed it, they’re having an affair – they do EVERYTHING to cover- both sides!)
    My ex AM even pretended they had no family evenings. I never ever looked on FB (I only joined again last year) but did have a snoop recently and it’s quite obvious they had/have a normal friend/family life however private his settings…not private enough – HA!.

    His claim for not leaving was they had a business, he was contracting, and he worked 24/7 to build the business up on the side, they’d lose their dream house blah blah if not. I believed him as the 2 nights a week he usually stayed, he was working, he worked hard. Now I realise he has always loved business and money, and has always had a few businesses on the go, and lots of money – it was NEVER to do with us, but his dreams he’d been chasing for 30 + years. I was enabling him to have his cake.

    I used to be so so jealous of his long term gf, I don’t even really know what she looks like, but like you all, we’re told their wives/gfs are the devil. I can say now that I do not believe that, and if they are now, these poor women were probably decent happy humans when they met these nasty men, and have been crushed into miserable sad girls. Just like they did and are doing with us.

    Google HG Tudor and Baggage Reclaim – lots of information, unfortunately applies to a good 95% of us, and please don’t do what I did – and think you’re the exception, because if on here, then chances are you’re not. It’s funny as the lies and bull is over everything, I showed him Baggage Reclaim (the lady that runs the site and blogs like Laurie on here, had an 18 month affair which went nowhere) and he said ‘she is just so so bitter her MM didn’t leave!’ he kept saying that, so I believed him.

    I was told to move on (that’s not what happened in the end, he felt me pulling away, we both left it…you know…after 3.5 years – that’s not a normal relatipnship but happens to all affairs that go nowhere!), so yes that hurts like CRAZY after waiting 3.5 years AND going through IVF, we were about to go through procedures for a baby!
    But if I was a man, he’d truly got me by the balls! And even after 6 months of not speaking to him, and him knowing I didn’t want to see him (I didnt want him to know that, was a colleagues big mouth, but he did me a favour!) he was STILL trying to hoover me. They have no respect, boundaries and will not care about your feelings – never have done.It’s ALL ABOUT THEM.

    I was very lucky and the first online date (after I went on 2 dates with a guy that had chased me for 8 years, but didn’t count that!) – we hit it off and he is the BEST thing that happened to me. So, I’d like to thank my ex AM – because of the timing. he lost his job, around that time my current bf (and hopefully last!) had finished his studies and returned home, been on a few dates, a few months later he emailed me. But even if I had been single all this time, after I got over the initial shock of the ex AM not being at work, then cancelling the IVF and also being used and blind (it is NOT our fault)….I am happier. But, so grateful with the timing….2 fingers up to the ex AM living a pathetic lie, whilst I’m in a pure relationship, just us 2, I forgot what that felt like! And, if it ends, I will date again, but single men. I’m no longer vulnerable and weak, and have learnt a lot. Thanks again cheating ex AM…probably sitting at home right now wondering where he can get his nice victim, using his ever so charming facade…..

    So, the pain will hurt and hurt and hurt – but I promise you (I was deep in, very, in my head we were married! he was mine! he didn’t even have a gf! thats how manipulative they are!) you’ll count the seconds you have NC, then the hours…then days of NC…then the weeks….EXPECT PAIN, but the pain is you HEALING. Like a bruise, it gets worse and hurts lots before it gets better…… then months….then you think ‘Oh, how many days?’ and can’t work it out but think ‘ah it’s been 4 months’.

    What happens in this time? SO much happens in life! Xmas, birthdays, you’ll be ill, friends will need you, stuff happens at work, lots if you have kids….suddenly time is being filled with other stuff. Real stuff. When you start feeling better – Date. I was terrified at first. My ex AM used to manipulate telling me my internet dating had got me nowhere over the years and I wouldn’t find anyone (i’m 38) and my time is running out – so cruel! But I agreed…it was QUICKER to wait! How crazy!

    And here I am now, about to text my loving bf, who has met my family and some of my friends, who has parents that adore me as I do them, this is all I’ve ever wanted, that the ex Am promised, and never delivered. And I’m so VERY VERY glad, because he is a nasty piece of work, 2 kids from 2 different women (nothing wrong with that, but they both seem to hate him, and now I know why, I must join their team – one is the current gf!) and I’d have ended up as unhappy as them. I was going mad towards the end. He wouldn’t even let me date, after a week of me chatting to guys online after 2.5 yrs…when he agreed, he realised how real it all was and went MAD one evening, absoutely crackers. He controlled every aspect of my life (and I mean every) – whilst he had a family at home and everyone around him, my family are all spread out and I’m new to the area….I remember so many of his comments, so ungrateful, so nasty…. but I always thought he was right.We look up to them- but they are complete messed up idiots- who wants a messed up idiot? not me! and not you.

    They are wrong, they lie – keep strong, the pain is a healing wound, the wound they have caused you! well before you went No Contact.

    Good luck and stay strong – I didn’t die without him and thought I would, I’m happier than ever and except for him trying to hoover me back in….I’m stronger now. It’s taken almost 11 months to get this far….so don’t expect overnight miracles, but do remember to love yourself, take each minute, hour and day as it comes, and it will get easier.

    Please ask me any questions, maybe number them and I will get back to you as soon as I can. sending healing hugs to you all xx

    • Samantha

      Such an inspiration, you are! Thank you!
      My 5 month rollercoaster affair with my MM (I’m also married) has pretty much ended this week. He asked his wife for a separation, I asked my husband for one, too, but we didn’t leave for each other, just were both sick and tired of being unhappy with our spouses. We never talked about leaving for one another. He’s still living in his house, I am living apart from my spouse. After this all went down, I suggested I give him space to figure things out, he didn’t want that. When I asked about seeing him again, his response was “I hope, but now she’s suspicious of everything so I have to be cool.” And the contact has dwindled, he’s not writing or calling like he used to, no little kiss and love emoticons, all formal and polite. I decided last night I can’t do and made today day 1 of NC. I unfollowed him on FB and Instagram. I just can’t do it anymore. He’s hot, he’s cold. It’s so unhealthy for me, and I’m a complete and utter wreck. I need to figure out whether to divorce my husband for good or make it work (don’t see that happening, not in love). But most of all, I need to heal myself.

      As the others have posted, if you are in an affair, get out. If you think you are interested in a MM, run the other way. They all suck.

      • Nomad

        Hi Sam, I am experiencing the same… (broke up after 13mths, jun & jul were lame NC)

        When I asked about seeing him again, his response was “better not, run out of excuse to stay out” it’s lame, it’s simply “no I prefer to avoid u and the shit of forcing me to decide to end or continue, I need a break or space from you, you are a turn off when you keep forcing a closure on me”

        Yes the contact has dwindled to near zero, he’s not writing or calling like he used to, all formal and polite. He’s used to being blocked and happy to do less chores of constant connection with me on daily basis and enjoying the peace.

        I too decided last night I can’t do and made today day 1 of NC, this ought to be the 100th times and never go beyond 7days of NC and he knows too well by now.

        I unfollowed him on FB long ago. He’s hot, he’s cold. But with each NC, his hot becomes Luke warm and had difficulty telling me he missed me. I’ll text “miss u” he’ll reply “m2” how miserable. He’s cold and with each nc, he can only gets colder, lost interest and even the only thing he’s deprived from which is sex. I’ve nothing to hold on to or offer to him to make him stay. He’s like declaring game over and he’s no longer blinded by lust or romance.

        we won’t divorce our spouse. But how can I stop thinkin abt him whenever I’m alone, and when I woke and when I lost sleep?!

        • Samantha

          Of course he’s written, and we’ve talked on the phone. I told him we should say goodbye. His daughter is an emotional wreck because she doesn’t want the parents to split. I get it. But the rollercoaster is hell. When I said we should say goodbye, his response is, I don’t want that, you don’t want that. I’m just going through a hard time. I said to him words I can’t get back – I left my husband because I’m in love with you. I didn’t expect any grand future, but those are the facts. His response was, OMG, don’t tell me that, my daughter, my daughter. He’ll never leave. I get that. I prob don’t want him forever anyway. But he’s so hot and cold. When I went out with my girlfriends and posted a pic on FB, I get the immediate message, have fun, you are f-ing gorgeous. Just to hook me. It’s insane. I love this man, and I hate him too. God help us all.

          • Trish

            It’s been almost 60 days of nc for me. Even though it’s hard as he.. I’m still trying. He will and never have made contact with me.. His daughter is coming in town this week. I thought we were friends but that changed a while ago. Matter of fact she friends with the other girlfriend and the wife on fb. When I changed my number, I GAVE IT TO KO ONE. I really have to get past this.

    • Lara

      Forever Waiting, what a treat to have someone who has walked thought the fire come and tell us all you survived. Thank you!! It is obvious you went through hell but you made it out and now you even have a new healthy and normal relationship: awesome!! Girl, you are an inspiration. So much of what you said is true. And I second: reading reading reading reading and using the HG Tudor site (narcsite.com) and Baggage Reclaim and whatever else you can find! Like you said, it often takes a very very long time for us to allow ourselves to see how duped we have been by married men (or women) who are in fact, master manipulators. We protect them and believe them and yet they lie lie lie. Yes they sleep with their wives (husbands) : of course they do! It is all a lie that they don’t. Otherwise the spouses would be “on to them”. And the “all about me” nature of the narcissist is really hard to comprehend at first because they are so good at playing the “victim” and we believe them! But one can do simple tests to find out if one is dealing with a narcissist. Simply try a few things and wait for the reaction and see! I found out all about mine this way. He is SUPER predictable actually. But I am no longer hooked in to him thankfully.

    • Trish

      Hi forever waiting. My mm left and got his own place. But made every excuse not to give back the key and parking pass. Even went as far as telling me gave back the parking pass but one week later had it back in his car. How did he get it back. We know the answer. So yes they so leave but never let go. So we still left suffering. It was worse the two months he moved than it was being with him. It has been 20 says of bcc and some days are better than others. You are right. They will never initate contact. I always ran behind him. Not no more.

  • J

    All I want is for my heart to heal from this pain. The non stop ups and downs from my mm are tearing me apart. Why can’t I have the strength to just walk away and end this pain. When it hurts so much like this I feel like the only thing that can fix it is him. But that’s such a vicious cycle since he’s the one causing the pain. My mm has done it to me again, once again I’m victim to his rollercoaster of emotions. He planned a day trip for us, we both took the day off to get away. We had a wonderful day together. The best time, doing activities and enjoying each other’s company, truly a great day, ending with intimate time together at a hotel that was great as usual. We parted ways, declaring our love, and made plans to meet later on. We meet and he decides this is the time to criticize me about something very ridiculous. I tell him he’s hurting my feelings and he says he doesn’t need this in his life and states he should just go back to his boring life without me. He quickly apologizes and said he didn’t mean any of it. I tell him that I think he started a fight to push me away after we had such a great day together and were so close. He says maybe that’s true and that he doesn’t know where we are going. He says the guilt is getting to him and maybe he should just stay in his platonic marriage afterall. I say if that’s what he wants then fine. I tell him I’m sick of him acting like I’m an option rather than an opportunity. I tell him to consider how he will feel if I remove myself as an option. He says he will ponder my words and we part ways. Now I haven’t heard from him all night and we normally message all night. It hurts me so bad that he can treat me like this after everything. But why am I surprised, look how he’s treating his wife? Should I just never speak to him again? I’m so afraid of being an utter fool tomorrow and begging him to talk to me. That will completely make me his doormat. Please help! Any advice or words would help. Not hearing from his tonight is giving me such anxiety.

    • Lara

      Oh dearest J, He is jerking you around! And you are still in the thick of it where you can still get so badly wounded. I feel for you! But you must take a step back from this to get some perspective. This criticizing you after you had such a nice time is a RED FLAG. Your MM is all over the place and you are in the middle where you can get really emotionally hurt! The fact that he even dares say things like “he doesn’t need this in his life and he should just go back to his boring life without me” should tell you what he is capable of. Those words are mean and cutting. Have you been to the site Baggage Reclaim? You might want to check it out. Also narcsite.com where you can learn about narcissists from a narcissist himself! Perhaps you are dealing with a narc? It is time to take some steps to protect YOU. This man has you spinning in pain and sounds no good (at least to me). Sending hugs, L.

      • J

        Lara, Thank you for responding. It really helps just reading your words, I know I’m not crazy and it’s not just me. I haven’t checked out those sites, but I definitely will. you mentioned it was a red flag when he criticized me after having such a nice day, what do you think it’s a red flag of, being a narcissist? He said I’m being overly sensitive. Sure, it’s always my fault. Then he acts all sad and says things that are self deprecating about himself. Feels like he’s now painting himself as this poor victim and wants pity. I told him he has severe mood swings. It’s funny because I never saw these mood swings over a year ago when this began. He was so sweet, happy, and charming. The happiest guy I had ever met. It attracted me to him, I loved his spirit. I asked why he’s not like that anymore, he said this situation is too much for him and starts saying it’s not right morally. Well why did he pursue me so aggressively? Believe me, I tried so hard to push him away, over and over. He just kept at me, appearing and doing favors for me. I thought he was the sweetest guy in the world. If I said I needed a new fan, he’d appear with a new fan, if I was looking for an obscure book, he’d find it, if I didn’t have time to pick up laundry, he’d get it. He was so accommodating. He told me the nicest and sweetest things. He swore it wasn’t just to have a physical relationship with me, he said it was the real deal and he fell in love with me. I’m realizing now those were all ways to pull me in. So sad. Yesterday he told me, after sex, that he doesn’t know if he can continue because of his extreme guilt. I said why did you just have sex with me then. He said he can’t resist me. Then said maybe he needs to be home more and work on his marriage again. But we still made plans to meet later on at the gym. I told him I had a very bad migraine. I shut my phone and didn’t communicate with him all day. He texted me 23 times saying he was going crazy. Thoughts?

  • Margo

    The truth is, at least my truth is you can’t do it alone. You can’t just up and stop thinking about someone you have built up in your mind. I say the mind bc the heart just does whatever it wants. You have to take active steps to self-preserve. You have to deny yourself the fantasy. Every time a thought that you shouldn’t have comes to mind, being the thought back to reality. For example if you pictured you and him having a picnic, just before you start getting all descriptive, interrupt yourself! Tell yourself I will not make up stories, I will not try to make something out of nothing. Furthermore, tell yourself that you are happy you can still experience emotions for another human being and let it be your little secret. Why should someone who doesn’t want you get the best of you. And I think when we treat ourselves with honest kindness we accomplish more for our emotional well being than silly nilly fantasies that serve only to keep us stuck.

    Being single isn’t the worst thing that can happen, losing at love isn’t the biggest tragedy that can occur. I think the biggest loss one can experience is never knowing that God is bigger than all our problems. He has a unique purpose for each individual. Be happy that you have the space and time to think of more worthy causes. The pain is real but God’s love shields me from the scars.

    • Lara

      Margo this soooo inspiring. Thank you for your words!! I am “drinking your words up” Yes I am! Hugs to all of you ladies and men on this board! xxxx Lara

    • Lara

      Margo, Thank you so much for these words! I am drinking them up and nodding my head in agreement. I especially love, “You have to take active steps to self-preserve. You have to deny yourself the fantasy.” This is so very true. Taking active steps means the OPPOSITE of reacting. And reacting is what I did for years with my MM. He would act then I would react. Now I have taken active steps finally to love and protect myself. If he had truly cared about me this would have pleased him. But instead I have been “discarded” because I am no longer singing HIS praises. It takes some getting used to being active not reactive. But in this situation no one else can take care of me but me! A hard but necessary lesson.

  • AC

    Hi my fellow ladies.
    Just wondering if there are any of you who have a baby
    with a married man?

    How did you cope up?

    Hope I get a response. ☹️

  • Lara

    I am updating my progress as I am moving farther and farther away from my affair. Today I am asking myself: “Why did I ever want any man who already had a woman?” I know this sounds strange but the farther out I get from my MM and the more I see him with his wife in my neighborhood “playing happily married” (or whatever it is he/they are doing) I wonder this question. Why would I want THAT man? He already has someone! Before I ever got into this mess, attached men had never turned me on. I had never wanted to be a third wheel in someone’s relationship. But I met this MM at a HIGHLY vulnerable time for me and I fell for him and his stories and his victimization hook, line, and sinker. My own marriage was ending and my life was a mess and I had two young sons and I was so vulnerable and so angry too. I think I was angry enough at the institution of marriage that I did not care if I got involved with a MM who also said he was fed up with marriage. We became “outlaws” together….we went “outside of marriage” and I found this very thrilling! Of course the sex was great together; how could it not be? It was forbidden, always on the fly, always hiding from people, always so damn”exciting”!! This state of mind helped me to to get duped by the MM, plain and simple. And totally addicted to the relationship too. But he never ever was going to leave his wife. And I do think he knew this from the start. Now I am looking at him for the first time in many years and feeling no attraction anymore. This is brand new because I was ALWAYS so attracted to him through all the ups and downs in our time “together”…..Now all I can see is the woman already attached to him. He turns me off me now because I finally realize he is such a pathetic liar and all his bravado is a facade. He is a true narcissist who desperately needed me to “build him up” but in fact he had no true interest in my life whatsoever. I say this calmly as so many tears have passed, so much rage has passed, now I am left with the God’s honest truth and there is nothing I can do to change it. I too am part of the mess is what I can see. I was in the affair too. Now I must start to forgive myself, then forgive him and forgive her and so on…..until this is just an ocean away from my present life. I am asking each day for help from God (a.k.a. my Higher Power) to “show me a better way” to live. Because I was so caught in the utter excitement and intoxication of this affair for so long.

    • J

      Lara, sounds like you’re on the right path. Sometimes distance and time really puts things in perspective. It was something that happened, but it certainly doesn’t define who you are or your future.

    • ForeverWaiting

      Lara, that is a beautiful read! I just posted as ‘ForeverWaiting’ – and so much of what you said I was saying 6 months ago.

      I don’t even ask questions why I ended up with him, except yes i was vulnerable, and all the things you mention (amazing sex, time together etc) was the same for me….they tell you that’s how it’ll be when together properly – no way, that’s not natural. But being narcissists (so very glad you mentioned that word), it’s the golden period they love to keep going.

      It will be an ocean away from you current life very soon, you sound in a good place (I haven’t read your other posts, just the above) and you’re on the right track.Be proud, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I was in a nasty messy relationship and the ex AM swooped in 4.5 years ago…I left my ex for him, knowing I’d have to wait a little while, not another 2.5 years! But all lies. Just remember to all, none of this is your fault, we are highly emphatic people and the ex MM/AM’s toy with our beautiful spirits when we are at our lowest. It’s all timing, and now is the time for good things, pure things. Wishing you lots of luck, keep healing, you’ve left the disease behind, to live his messed up, impure and very very sad life – it’s a horrific existence for them, almost pointless. Best wishes.

      • Lara

        Thank you Forever waiting! What is an AM? I somehow missed that abbreviation 🙂 I am so sorry to hear your story. Leaving your ex shows how much faith you had in your MM and I can truly relate. And YES all narcissists find empathic people! It is an unfortunate magnetic attraction and it is the empath who always gets so badly wounded (at least initially). But in the end the miserable narcissist stays miserable because ultimately no one can ever live up to their impossible standards to provide constant “fuel” for them. It is so sad this has to play out in the love and sex arena where empaths, in particular, can be so naive and so full of of “true belief” in the “power of love” to change all things. Now I know that for “love” to change all things it has to be mutually felt and mutually experienced, something a narcissist can never do, sadly.
        For me this has been one of the hardest things in my life too, realizing the truth, and finally leaving my MM for good. But each day new and wonderful things happen to me along this path, and I know life can be good and plentiful and full of joy if I just let it! Sending courage to all of you, L.

  • J

    My mom has told me from the very beginning, as he pursued me relentlessly, that he does not dislike his wife. He doesn’t hate her or fight with her. In fact he says she’s a very nice person, but he feels nothing for her except the love of a good friend. He also complains that she has no motivation to do anything, is very unhealthy and over weight, and she’s not very smart. It’s so confusing to me. How will he ever leave his good friend? Lately he’s been saying that the stress of our situation is getting to him and making him feel dizzy. Is this just his way of having an out from me? Like he might say we should end things because the stress is taking a toll on his physical well being. I’m getting very tired of being told I’m causing all his stress. He also said the devil doesn’t rest in terms of his persistent attraction to me. So now I’m the devil?! Any input would help.

    • Trish

      Hi j. It’s another way for him to keep you stringing along and at the same time making himself feel good about his dysfunctional behavior. Its always going to be your fault. I heard the you stressing me out and your bad attitude story for years.

    • Lara

      Awww J…..to me, a man who does not dislike his wife has no reason whatsoever to divorce her! ESPECIALLY if he has an interesting and passionate lover on the side. He has no reason to leave his “good friend” if he can spare this person all the pain of leaving her by having an attractive, sexy healthy woman ON THE SIDE IN SECRET who also is in love with him!! This man can have his cake and eat it too for as long as you provide him with all that.
      As for you be the “devil” PUH LEASE! LOL! He is just trying to project “devil” onto you so he can justify his own actions to himself. If he wants to see a devil, tell him to look in the damn mirror! LOL He does not need to project that on you but it is sooooo common with MM’s. We the mistresses are the “devils”; they are the enchanted bewitched innocent victims who are / were “unable to help themselves” Don’t beleive that crap for a minute! My former MM once told me he had a tarot reading and the reader told him the following: “You have two women in your life. One is good for you. And one is not good for you.” I went crazy thinking I was the latter woman and he let me think I was the bad one too! Then I realized he could have made the whole thing up OR that I could actually be the one who was good for him and his wife the one who was bad for him! (I was always encouraging him in his career and his life much more than she ever did). Anyhow these just are the typical manifestations of triangulation and triangulated relationships and your MM is just trying to ease his own guilty conscience by dumping the “jezebel/devil” thing on you for his own emotional convenience. Always remember most of these MM’s are emotionally lazy and have no conflict resolution skills or emotional maturity. That is why they are cheating in the first place…because they do not see any other way out of their pain. And we women make it MUCH easier for them when we play right into their hands and let them have a a brand new relationship OUTSIDE the primary one instead of insisting they resolve the primary relationship first.

  • Nadine

    Hi guys. So it’s been 2 weeks NC and I miss him more now more than ever and he’s on my mind 24 hours a day. I wake up thinking of him, i constantly wake up in the middle of the night thinking of him (i used to be the best sleeper ever). I see things all around me that remind me of him. I thought it gets easier, not worse. I try keep busy but it doesn’t help. I feel I’m going insane and this pain will never end. I never got closure, there was no fight, no lets end it. The last text i got was that he cant stop thinking of me….well i guess he has!!!!Thank you to you all for your stories. Everytime I want to contact him, I come read the comments on here.

    • Trish

      Hi Nadine, I feel your pain. My last message was I love you. And when I tried to call him back, he never answered. That was on a Saturday. I changed my number that Sunday and have not called him since. I came in one morning town. And see that he called me from his job number. He used to me calling if I seen the number. Since he left no message, I never called. That’s his way of saying he tried. At this point, what ever makes him fella good about his self is fine with me.