5 Ways to Stop Obsessing About Him


Obsessive love is powerful – and destructive – because your heart is captivated. When you can’t stop thinking about him, your life is ruled by an impossible relationship. That’s the bad news. But wait – there’s good news! You CAN stop the destructive train wreck of obsessive love, and you can get emotionally and spiritually healthy again.

What’s your story? Maybe you can’t be with him because he’s a married man, or maybe he’s emotionally unavailable. Maybe you’re unequally yoked; you’re a Christian and he’s not a believer. Maybe you’re getting divorced after 25 years, and you can’t stop thinking about him because he betrayed you. Or maybe you’re hopelessly in love with a coworker who doesn’t know you’re alive. But really, it doesn’t matter what your exact circumstances are! Obsessive love doesn’t care about the facts…it only wants to be together.

I was inspired to write this article by a group of kind, nonjudgmental, loving women who have been supporting each other in the comments section of my article on breaking up with a married man and healing your heart. In fact, they were so supportive that I had to turn off comments on that article! We were approaching 1,300 comments, and it was too much for one blog post.





So, I decided to write an article to help women who are struggling with obsessive love, and who can’t stop thinking about a man.

Here’s a recent comment from the married man article:

“Only recently have I truly accepted the fact that the man I love isn’t leaving his wife,” says Anon. “I am only getting the crumbs of his love and emotion. I’m not even good enough to call or message even though He says it isn’t fair to me but I can’t imagine me not being in his life. What am I supposed to do? I can’t stop thinking about him and I know I have to let him go, but I can’t. He was my soulmate and I believe that. I can’t even be mad because I started this affair, I knew what I was doing. But love is love. Now, how do I get out of love without feeling the weight and guilt of losing my soulmate? I still want him to call. I still want him to leave her, but I know he won’t.”

How to Stop Obsessing About Him

These tips are for all women struggling with obsessive love. If you feel like you can’t stop thinking about a man you’re in love with, you will find a least a seed of hope and healing here.

1. Stop saying “I can’t stop thinking about him”

The more you tell yourself that you’ll never get over this relationship, the harder it’ll be to heal and move on. You believe what you tell yourself, and your feelings follow your thoughts. So, instead of saying you can’t stop thinking about him, focus your mind on positive ways to move forward.

In your private journal or the comments section below, write a replacement for the “can’t stop thinking about him” thought. For example, I’d focus on thoughts of healing, hope, joy, and letting go. I’ve been hurt really badly in past relationships — but I healed and moved on! Those past hurts and breakups helped me see that I can let go of a past relationship and be free and happy again.

2. Get to know your shadows and weaknesses

“Your shadow refers to all the things you hide, push away, or run from,” writes Hibbert and Those in Who Am I Without You?: Fifty-Two Ways to Rebuild Self-Esteem After a Breakup. “Your shadow is the things you deny and wish you didn’t see in yourself. The more we run from or deny the shadow, however, the bigger and scarier it becomes. It’s only in exposing shadows to the light that they disappear. As we face our weakness, our darkness, we take the shadow’s power away.”

Who Am I Without You? has a great tool for not only seeing and healing your shadow, but for rebuilding your life after a relationship ends.

If you’re focused on this obsessive love and you can’t stop thinking about him, then you’re not looking at someone more important: you. Well, actually, Jesus is THE most important person you could ever look at because only He has the power to heal you. For now, though, you need to take your eyes of this man (especially if he’s a married man who is cheating on his wife, who he vowed to love and cherish). Stop giving into to the selfish weak parts of your heart, and start learning why you’re so obsessed with this relationship.

3. Look at yourself through your mom’s or daughter’s eyes

Imagine sitting down with your mom or daughter, and telling her all about this relationship.



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obsessive love can't stop thinking about him

5 Things You Must Do to Stop Thinking About Him

What would it be like to tell her you can’t stop thinking about him? How would it feel to explain the depths of your obsessive love, the length of the dark shadows in your heart? What would she say about this relationship, and how would see see you?

If you can’t tell your mom or daughter about this man – or your feelings for him – then this relationship has the power to destroy your life. But it’s not just the relationship that has power — it’s your shadow side and weakness that is giving in! You are allowing feelings of obsessive love to control your life. You are giving in to the idea that you can’t stop thinking about him. You are being weak.

But, you don’t have to be weak anymore.

4. Find light, life, power, strength, healing, and freedom

Are you humbled and maybe even crushed because you’ve seen your dark side? Good. Perfect! This means you’re ready to be filled with the light, life, power, strength, healing, peace, and joy of freedom. You must hit rock bottom of obsessive love before you can start to heal and rise.

You can’t do this alone. You won’t find the power, strength, and healing you need in yourself — for you know how weak you are. You spirit is willing, you want to stop thinking about him, but you can’t because you aren’t God. You are simply a woman in love.

And, you won’t find strength you need to overcome the power of obsessive love in the comments section of online articles – even if they’re all about how to stop thinking about someone. Why? Because you’re simply dwelling in the pit of despair. The more you write and talk about what you can’t have and can’t overcome, the stronger those feelings of helplessness get.

5. Renew your mind

Stop allowing your emotions to rule your life! You are a grown woman, not a two year old child. You are smart. You are worthy of healthy love and a committed relationship that is filled with respect and honor. You are valuable because God created you in His image, to glorify Him. You are beautiful because God has a mission and purpose for your life.

obsessive love can't stop thinking about himIn Living Beyond Your Feelings: Controlling Emotions So They Don’t Control You, Joyce Meyer teaches how to live beyond the emotions that can control us. She discusses obsessive love, uncontrollable anger, jealousy, fear, insecurity, loss, and grief.

It’s time for you to start focusing on what you want to CREATE in your life, not what you wish you had. Dwell in the land of possibility, hope, and freedom – not the wasteland of obsessive love. Stop saying you can’t stop thinking about him. Start cleaning up the mess and moving on with your life.

What say you? I know it’s hard to overcome those powerful feelings of obsessive love. I totally get it; I’ve been there. But, I also know that there comes a time for us to get out of the shadows and start living in the light.

It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

Your comments are welcome below! I’d love to hear from you. I don’t give advice, but you may find that sharing your story will help you heal and move on. Sometimes just getting it all out can be the most healing thing we can do…as long as we don’t dwell in the pit of despair.

Take a deep breath. Look up. Feel the light on your face. Receive the love of the spirit. You are alive and well, and you are here for a reason.


Do you need encouragement and inspiration? Click here for my free Blossom Tips newsletter! One email a week, short and sweet.

xo


798 thoughts on “5 Ways to Stop Obsessing About Him

  • Laurie Post author

    I’m so glad you found each other, for support and encouragement! You’re in my thoughts and prayers – I really hope you’re able to move on, into a new season of your life. A season of fresh joy, new love, and renewed faith. May you also find a love relationship that is healthy and whole, and that helps you Blossom into the woman God created you to be.

    If the man you love isn’t helping you flourish and grow in positive ways, then it’s not love.

    I have to close the comments on this blog post, because it’s starting to slow down the page load times. But I don’t want to cut off your conversation! We just need to shift over to a different space, so this article doesn’t gum up the works.

    Come, talk here:
    https://howloveblossoms.com/how-to-break-your-addiction-to-a-toxic-relationship/

    Take good care of yourself, for you are worth taking good care of. If you aren’t receiving my weekly Blossom Tips and encouragement, sign up here: http://eepurl.com/ca2mJr . Last week I introduced Blossy, who is our new mascot 🙂

    xo
    Laurie

  • lois

    As my saga continues, MM and I hooked up again last night. It was unexpected and kind of strange. I did ask why we do not go to hotel room and he said that he overthinks the situation and at times freaks out about it. I did enjoy it; but it is very strange this time. In the past, I would send me a text afterwards saying how much I enjoyed it, blahblahblah; but I did not and had no desire to either. Even today, I feel different…I could careless if he is feeling guilty or how is managing today. I am kind of numb and frankly even if he said he felt guilt not sure that I would believe it. Maybe this is a step in the right direction…a little less of me is totally back with him; if that makes any sense. After last week and the lies, I just feet different…it is so weird. I hope whatever it is that it continues because it is nice to not feel badly for his guilt, etc. I hope things are well with all of you. Lots of hugs!!!

  • Lois

    Hey. Felk. Just wanted to wish you well tomorrow and know all of us are here for you. We all understand and have been there dreading to see them and not knowing what to expect. No matter what happens or doesn’t happen, you are a strong woman and have given us support and encouragement and we are here to do the same for you. Sending hugs and prayers.

  • J

    Hi ladies,
    It’s been the usual rollercoaster week for me. I told him clearly last week that I would attempt friendship with him and nothing else, that we have no romantic option at all for right now. I’m too emotionally drained for it after enduring his discussions of trying to have sex with his wife. He told me that he tried but is unable to perform with her and maintain an erection because as long as I’m in his arms, all he wants is me. I told him that if we continue in this emotional rollercoaster we are ruining any chances of what could possibly be in the future because although my heart still loves him, I’m beginning to resent him in my head for these ups and downs. He agreed that we should work on our marriages but attempt friendship. Well this turned into him asking me if I’m having sex with my husband, his pleading to just hug me, him sexting me all of the time, having non stop conversations about being together, him begging to just feel my body against his, seeing each other daily and talking all day, etc. He went to dinner with his wife last night and texted immediately when he came home. Told me he had a nice evening with her but had many awkward moments as he thought of me too many times to count. Asked me about intimacy with my husband and I told him the truth that it happened but was very difficult because I thought of him the whole time. I told him I was quite upset about this because I felt awful being with my husband but thinking of my mm who I’m in love with. He said he’s not attracted to his wife whatsoever and only wants me and is in love with me. Then he said our marriage have no chance of working if we continue to see each other at all. As long as he sees me, he wants me. I said ok if that’s what you want. I just can’t understand why if he loves me and only wants me, and I love him, why can’t we move on from this mess and really be together. I truly believe absence only makes the heart grow fonder, but he says he needs to find out if he can forget me if he doesn’t see me. I don’t get this. His children are grown. Why can’t we do this for real. Divorce happens. Life goes on and people end up better off. But the lord wants him to work on his marriage he claims. He’s at his church right now counseling on the sacrament of marriage?!?! He wants to talk later. I’m sure he will just repeat that we need to work on our marriages because that’s what’s right in gods eyes. I’m so drained. Wow it still hurts so much. I want to forget him so badly but I love him so much. He is my confidant and the person I’m closest to. Will absence make the heart grow fonder or is it out of sight out of mind?

    • Felk

      Hi J, It does sound like the usual roller coaster. He can’t figure out what he wants. Or he wants things he can’t have (both relationships guilt-free). You know we’ve all been here. Our MM have given us mixed messages and we’ve given them mixed messages. He’s asking you about your sex with your husband and telling you that he needs to find out if he will forget you if he doesn’t see you. I think he legitimately wants to work on his marriage (or believes he should), and he wants to be with you. The problem is the roller coaster that leads to, especially if he is back and forth with guilt. You’re right that your MM could choose to leave his wife and he’s not choosing that. Or choose the affair without the constant second-guessing and guilt. But that’s easier said than done. Whether “out of sight, out of mind” works depends on how committed you are to that. If you’re really committed to NC, then “out of sight, out of mind” will eventually work. It’s interesting because it seems like both of you are trying (and not) to end it. But, that’s no good. It’s the roller coaster. I really wish you luck, but you’re still in a tough spot. You do have to pick one, though. The in-between will continue to drain and hurt you. And you certainly shouldn’t listen to him talk about attempting sex with his wife.

    • Lois

      Hey, J. Wow…you’re an amazingly strong woman because that’s one hell of an emotional roller-coaster. I do understand how easily you can be sucked back into it and get to the point you’re emotionally drained. My heart goes out to you! I know what’s like to have MM use religion and it is daggers to the heart because we already know what we are doing is wrong. What he’s doing to you is wrong and you don’t deserve it. If God was telling him to work on his marriage than he would not be talking to you much less sexting and wanting to know your sexual relationship with your husband. I cannot imagine having to hear about his sexual dysfunction with his wife that’s just crazy. He sounds like a narassist. I’m sorry and don’t mean to hurt your feelings but what he’s doing to his emotional and verbal abuse. I realize all of us deal and tolerate things that others would not. My MM has issues of his own and has done things too that even I question what I am doing. Since he doesn’t have kids, could he be afraid if his wife taking his money and/property? Have you asked him what keeps him in the marriage? Lately, I have questioned whether their marriages are really as bad as they claim. For me, I don’t think MM wife has clue and he lives two separate lives. As long as, he allows her to spend money and do as she pleases, I don’t think she questions his whereabouts. Plus she has kids at home to take care. Anyway, I just think you deserve better and really need a break from him to clear your head. It’s hard to think when his messing with your head and emotions. Can you block him? I’m sorry but cannot remember, Do you work with him? I’m thinking he wants space so give it to him. Then you can have time to figure things out. Its easier said than done but a think even a few days of NC may give some peace and much needed rest from it so you can rhink. Sending hugs and prayers!

  • Lois

    Hey. Ladies. I have a scenario to run past you to get your thoughts. I attended a meeting a few weeks ago and another person reported that he had been working with MM on project since September but new the department had been busy, etc. After the meeting someone told MM that this person threw him under the bus. I spoke up and said that i didn’t need that he had been. Later that evening, I explained what was said and told him that it was being exaggerated and not true. No reply so next day asked if he had gotten my text. He said yes and he’d contacted someone else who was there and was told the about the same that I said so he couldn’t understand why someone would exaggerate. So he knows this was untrue. Okay this past week, he asked one of his employees to complete the project that had been mentioned in the meeting. He lied and said he had been thrown under the bus at a meeting so this project should be priority to get done. He asked my friend who had affair with him before me…yes he’s been unfaithful at least twice in the last five years. Okay. I honestly don’t know what to think because he lied and beared false witness on someone who is already disliked by people. Why would he do this? Keep in my mind he still has study bible on his desk and has made me feel so horrible about trying to get right with God. I am just curious on your thoughts. This really bothered me because I am a very upfront person. If you don’t want my opinion than don’t ask is my approach. Is it normal to be like this and say you have a good relationship with God. Or is this just amother excuse that he uses. I know often he says one thing and tells something else to someone else. For example, he went on vacation and never once mentioned he went deep sea fishing only that he and his family went on a dolphin excursion. He told another person he went deep sea fishing. I’m hooked on fishing and go all of the time in summer. Love to kayak and fish, but he never told me. I don’t know why he wouldn’t tell because we talk about fishing all of the time. I know it wasnt because it was a family excursion his wife is not or his kids the fishing type. I’m almost certain it was a lie. I have thought about things today and just trying to weigh the pros and cons and wrap my head around things. I am really soul searching. Look forward to hearing your thoughts.

    • lara

      Hi Lois, I really get where you are at with wondering about the lies. I have been there done that too. The best advice I can give you is to go back and re-read some of your writings. You mentioned the lie about the worker earlier and you already said you were bothered by it. Now you might be doubting yourself because you care about the MM, but you also have to hang on to your truth or you will lose a piece of yourself in the process. And YOU need YOU. Throwing someone under a bus is a red flag. Maybe it could be excused? on some occasions but which ones? People in the ginormous city where I live are cut throat and competitive at work on any given day, and yes occasionally people throw others under the bus usually to advance themselves, but it is a cold and calculating act, no? You need to ask yourself this question. Where would YOU draw the line? It may be that you and the MM have different values and you are okay with that, but try to not trick yourself into ignoring your own hunches and then values (i do this all the time with the ex MM) because those tricks on your won self will cost YOU, not him. Can you bring the whole matter up with him and talk to him about it? Of course, if he is lying and if in addition, if he is a “silent” type, (like mine was) chances are he won’t enjoy a “talk” like that. But don’t you have a right and a need to know?

      • Lois

        Hey, Lara. Thanks for your response. You are right, I need to go with my gut instinct and be very cautious. I don’t want to admit that he is dishonest. However, I will no longer allow him to make me feel guilty about coming between him and his religious beliefs because what he did was wrong. It made me realize he uses it as an excuse and he knows it bothers me. No matter what his excuse could be…it doesn’t make it right. Ironically, my husband was watching adrain Rogers on television who is a preacher and his sermon was on bearing false witness. It helped put things in perspective and know without a doubt he was wrong. I do plan on asking him about it because I want him to know that I know…if that makes any sense. Thanks again for your support.

  • Lois

    It’s day 3 of basically no contact and would like to say it’s getting easier; but it’s not. He was included in a group text last night where I sent a picture of my twins playing high school basketball. He did respond to the group and regretted even including him; but what is done is done. Today, I am feeling rather sad because he has not made any attempts to communicate except he did say hi and smile in the hall late yesterday afternoon. I know it’s best to let things play out and see if he makes any attempt. It does hurt because in my heart I know he has not going and only forces me to face the truth that he really does not care much less feel they way that I do. Yesterday, I was really aggravated about him lying on someone but honestly, I was really hurt that he told my friend who he had an affair with a couple of years ago about his newest medical aliment. It may sound silly; but he is having sex with me and have to hear about his personal stuff through other people. I really have my feelings hurt and my stubbornness will not let him know that he has hurt me again. I am disappointed that to think he never truly cared for me and it hurts. I cannot make someone have feelings, so there is not left for me to do except suck it up and move on. Thanks for listening. Hope you have a wonderful weekend.

    • Felk

      Hey Lois, Good for you for 3 days of NC at work. I know how hard that is. I am nervous about going back to work next week. I’m not sure if your MM cares less about you than you do about him. But it doesn’t really matter. Like you said, you can’t make someone have feelings that they don’t have. But even if he has those feelings, what’s most important is that his guilt is making it miserable for him (and you). And please don’t wait for him to say something to you about how you’re ignoring him. Please don’t wait for him to make an attempt to talk to you or get close again. When we wait for them, we give them so much power to treat us poorly. We have waited long enough. You have to ask yourself what you’re waiting for and then recognize that it’s not going to happen. I have been waiting for my MM to say he made a huge mistake ending it with me and that he wants me back. I want him to say that he realized in our time apart that being with me is better than not being with me. But it’s not going to happen. I say this to you because I’m trying to use this next week when I have to see my MM again. I know it’s going to hurt. I’m going to see him and wish he’d come to me and say things to me about how much he missed me, but he won’t. Not because he didn’t miss me, but because he’s trying to move on for the sake of his family and that’s why he ended our relationship. The only way I’m going to be strong is if I know I’m not waiting for him. Oh, next week’s going to be hard!

      • Lois

        Hey, Felk. Yesterday, I did speak with MM and it was me who initiated the conversation. He had asked about a video that was done for marketing and took it to him. I didn’t really have to but it gave me an excuse to break the ice. I really your comment posy about the intent of my NC and I realized I was doing it for the wrong reasons. When I do NC, I need to for the right reason and I’m not to that point…not yet. I don’t think either of us are truly to that point. I think you’re right about him not wanting to admit his feelings. I do think he’s good at hiding his emotions or maybe he does have narcissistic tendencies but my feelings are genuine. I have to get to a point where enough is enough. Yes, there are times that I feel that way but it’s when he ends things or does something that makes me feel that way. Honestly, I don’t want to end things. I am okay with his us being together ever so often…just don’t like the on again/off again. As you can tell, I am not there yet, so why put myself through hell or until I have to…if that makes any sense. We did talk some yesterday and he wasn’t sure where he was things anymore than I wasn’t sure…it was just nice to talk to each other and nit hurt. He did make the comment that he missed talking to me more than other meaning sex. So, I don’t think he’s using me just for sex. I think he does like the conversation…but I could be wrong. I don’t know. The only thing I do know is that until I am ready to really be done all of these efforts of NC is pointless. He may decide next week to end things and if he does there’s nothing I can do about it. I have to get to a pint where I want to let go. I am not sure what it will take…who knows it could be the next time he ends things or maybe I wake up one day and these feelings are gone. I just know that I am not there. So far now, I have to take one day at a time until the time comes. I know you understand and appreciate the support. Thanks

        • Felk

          Hi Lois, I suspect my MM and I will have a similar “break the ice” conversation at work this week, too. It’s not easy, but if you work together, at some point, you just have to talk so it’s less awkward. The longer you go without talking, the more awkward it becomes. The problem with doing NC for the wrong reasons is that you probably won’t stick to the NC and you’ll just be miserable if he doesn’t respond the way you want him to. When you do NC to really be done with him, I think you feel stronger. You still might be sad because you miss him, but you’re no longer waiting around for him and you don’t feel the rejection (because you’ve chosen the NC). And, yeah, you do have to get to a point of “enough is enough.” If you’re not there yet, then NC probably won’t work for you yet. I believe he misses you more for your conversation than for the sex. Isn’t that what we miss more with our MM? It does sound, though, like you’re not ready to be done and you still have hope for you and your MM. Just try not to give him too much power and control over the situation. Try to stick up for what you want and need. Try not to let him treat you poorly just because you don’t want him to leave you. That’s what I did at the end of my affair because I could feel it ending. And I regret that. I don’t regret the relationship at all. Those were a great five years. I don’t engage in too many “If only I had done X differently.” But, near the end, I didn’t stick up for myself enough because I was scared. And maybe sticking up for myself would have ended the relationship sooner, but I wish I had been okay with that at the time because I’m the type of person who sticks up for myself and expresses my needs. And I had done pretty well across the five years, but I got scared at the end and was more pathetic than I wish I had been. I know it’s normal and understandable, but that is one thing I regret. So… if you’re going to try to continue to make this work, try not to be scared to ask for what you want. Of course, that means accepting that he might end it sooner, but, remember, if he ends it because you’re being strong and showing self-respect, then it’s good that it’s ending. I know, easier said than done, but we try to help each other on here with what we’ve learned in the process.
          As for your other message about him possibly lying about the person throwing him under the bus and about deep-sea fishing, I don’t think we know enough about that situation to know what he was doing. If you generally do not find him to be a liar (outside of the affair, of course), then there’s probably another explanation for what he did. However, if you’re starting to see a pattern of lies, then keep an eye out for such things and try not to make excuses for him. As for the God stuff, I think you know the answer to that. He’s having an affair. He’s obviously willing to break commandments and not act in line with what his religious teachings would support. Generally I find that most people are willing to bend their religious beliefs when it suits them. I mean, we all try to be moral people, but look how we were willing to bend our morality and enter into an affair because it felt good to us? We humans are selfish creatures. 🙂

  • Lifelessons

    Hi Ladies…

    (DAY#6 NC)
    CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME HOW CAN MM GET UPSET WITH ME ABOUT ANYTHING…I KNOW HIM WELL ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT HE IS UPSET BECAUSE I DIDNT COME TO HIS JOB TO HAVE LUNCH AND I DIDNT ANSWER SOME PHONE CALLS FROM HIM….How can he be mad at me, doesnt he know this is not an easy situation to be in!

    I have been MIA for a few weeks. I finally decided to give NC a try. He made sure to call me the night before Christmas, and Christmas day. He does tend to call me daily. I talked to him a few days after Christmas on a wednesday (he dropped off my christmas gift befire he went to work) and he said am I going to see you before you go back to work and I said yes. Well that Thursday someone was suppose to come to my house but she didnt come over therefore i didnt go down to see him at his job. Friday came and my child had a doctors appt so again I wasnt able to meet with him for lunch. Friday when he called me after work, he says well i thought you were going to see me this week and I said well I apologize, i didnt do anything at all yesterday. He said you shouldnt have said that, you couldve kept that part to yourself. I said what ??! He said yea you telling me you didnt do anything at all but yet you didnt make it down to my job to have lunch with me. I said well my kids aunt was suppose to come over and I waited around for her but she never showed up so my day was a wash. He said its ALL GOOD!!! When he says that its not really all good. I said to him i never know uf thats sarcasm or youre really saying its all good. He changed the subject which was cool for me. Anyway we got off the phone he said he was going to call me back but he didnt. The next day, Saturday…I text him and he never replied. He typically doesnt miss a day of talking to me. So later that night, early Sunday morning around 2am i text and I said No conversation today huh, well yesterday since its technically Sunday and I blocked him after that. Sunday New Years Even, he called me 8:56pm and 9:03pm but i didnt know because I had blocked him. I unblocked him after I noticed he called but I refused to call him back so I havent spoken to him in a week which is the longest time we have gone without communicating with each other. This will be day #6 NO CONTACT! I am stubborn and I refuse to give in. I have thought about it but I decided, i cant care enough to call him…I just cant! The end of January will make 1 full year of dealing with each other and if he is upset because I didnt come see him than so be it. I know I was off for 2 weeks and he has been dying for me to come to his job and have lunch with him and I really wanted to but I have never made him a complete priority in my life so I dont try hard enough to get down to his job. I am not a priority to him and my kids leave to go with their dad every other weekend and he doesnt seem to be able to figure out how to make sure he sees me every other weekend so why should I be pressured to come to his job when he wants me to. I would love to have some closure but I am NOT calling him. I cant believe we would end it like this considering we talked so much. I think he is just as stubborn as I am and he decided that because I didnt amswer him hes not calling me until i call him.
    Im so annoyed by the whole thing…SOMEONE PLEASE OFFER SOME ADVICE, AN OPINION OR SOMETHING. I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE MY MIND TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HOW HE COULD BE UPSET WITH ABOUT SOMETHING SO MINISCULE WHEN IVE BEEN HERE FOR ALMOST A YEAR DEALING WITH HIM AND HIS BAGGAGE!

    • Felk

      Hi Lifelessons, I’d love to offer some insight into what your MM is thinking, but you know it’s hard to know. It’s hard to know if he was upset with you because you didn’t visit him at work or if he just wasn’t able to call/text you that Friday and Saturday for other reasons (and then he got mad when you didn’t return his calls on Sunday). However, if you say that he doesn’t usually miss a day of conversation (and he ignored your text on Saturday), it sounds like he wasn’t replying on purpose. If he was upset, it sounds like he was pouting for not getting his way about you coming to see him at work. But, I don’t blame you if you don’t feel like he makes you a priority, why should you? Right now, I think you’re both in a match of stubbornness. He didn’t text you back Friday/Saturday so you blocked him. Then he called you twice but you didn’t see it because he was blocked. Then you unblocked him, but now he’s annoyed that you ignored those calls on NYE so he’s not calling. Good for you for not giving in if this nonsense has been going on for a year. If you don’t feel that he’s giving you enough or treating you well, make him come to you. Make him call you again. While I know how hard affairs are and my MM treated me pretty well, I do wish I would have stood up for myself and made him come to me a little more often than I did. I gave in a little too much and it made it easy sometimes for him to disappear and be unfair.

      • Lifelessons

        Felk,

        I appreciate your comments always! So I DID NOT give in and call him. He called me Friday morning and i did answer. He said Babe whats up ?! I said nothing im just pulling up to work…He said did you try to call me and I said NOPE he said why, i said i figured you were busy and couldnt talk to me and he said well you remember me telling you my screen my cracked and I needed to get a new one and I said yes so he proceeded to explain how his phone wasnt working but the phone was breaking up so i hung up. He didnt call right back but he called me a few hours later to see if i was picking his kid up to take him home after practice so i said yes we got off the phone.

        He called me friday night we talked for about an hour. He called me this morning (Saturday) to ask me to meet him for breakfast and I told him I could when the kids leave to go with their dad. Of course I went to meet him. It was more like brunch, during that time he explained in detail what happened with the phone…the screen was completely blacked out and he doesnt know the last four digits of my number so he couldnt call me, he didnt get messages at all because he couldnt see the screen. He said he knew i would be salty with him for not contacting me for a week but he knew he couldnt come to my house and knock on my door to tell me his phone was broke and he said babe i just couldnt remember the last 4 numbers. He said, “i really wished you had called me because I could get incoming calls but i couldnt call out”. He said well i thought at some point you would call me. I asked him what he did for New Years and he said he was working, he said i even called you but you didnt answer. I just listened to him. I felt so crazy because he wasnt mad at me and I created an entire scenario that wasnt real.

        Of course brunch lasted forever, so we talked about many things. He was telling me how he was when he was in college. He said he had different women and he said well i shouldnt be telling you this stuff because you will look at me differently. I said I know you are not an angel. He said listen when i was younger i thought I needed to have a lot of women but at this point if i can just get my needs met by one woman I am really ok! He has said that to me before…before we had sex (which happened about 3 months after we started “dating”) we shared many conversations about us and relationships. He said to me, he wishes his wife would be more affectionate with him and more sexual with him because if she was he would be content but she is determed she will not be that sexual. Back then i wasnt sure if he was telling me that because he thought that was what i wanted to hear but as time went on and i listened to him talk i thought…hmmmm this sounds like it may be the truth and he is not much of a liar (at least I have not caught him in a lie or suspected it) so…..
        Today at brunch he says babe i really am getting too old to deal with different women. I just need one person to do all the things i need and I am ok. People will tell you exactly who they are and yet you still wont get it….
        He is definitely looking for a long term girlfriend who can fulfill all of his needs that his wife doesnt and I am sure I cannot be that for him but Guess what….i still like him just as much as I did when we first started dealing with each other. This is the craziest situation that I have ever gotten myself entangled in!

        • Felk

          Lifelessons, good job not giving in and calling him. Even if he wasn’t calling because his phone was broken, it still shows a lot of strength from you. And it sounds like you stayed so calm through all of the conversations, too. So good. And it’s a good lesson in how we can really get in our heads about what they’re thinking (when it’s something entirely different). I know many times throughout my affair that I concocted all sorts of scenarios about why he wasn’t contacting me, and usually I was wrong and it was just that he was busy (and had nothing to do with us). Like, these weeks apart over the holidays, I’ve concocted all sorts of scenarios about how he’s over me or he won’t want to be my friend anymore, but truth is it’ll most likely be just as it was when we last saw each other. Him not being over me and me not being over him and it being hard with both of us just trying to move on and do the best we can with being friends. I really liked the thing you said about how people will tell you exactly who they are. You are right. For me, right now that means when my MM said our relationship wasn’t working for him, he meant it. And it isn’t something I want to talk him out of anymore. For a while after the break-up, I thought he’d realize the mistake he made and he’d come back to me. But he didn’t make a mistake. He did what he needed to do for himself because it was too hard for him. And I need to listen to that.
          It’s good you know that you cannot be his long-time girlfriend to give him what his wife can’t. In time, you’ll choose to be done with him. I can hear it in the things you say.

          • Lifelessons

            Felk….

            It is so wild that we make up things to fit the narrative we have resonating in our mind. You arw right about me being able to choose to be done. I do believe that. I am sure he is filling a void right now and I am not ready to end things. I cannot believe how “in control” I have been when it comes to my emotions. I am normally a needy, attention seeking woman in relationship and I have learned so much from dealing with him and this situation. I see I can have some self control and be more proactive vs reactive. I will talk to him about the girlfriend thing…Just want to pick his brain a little more…I want to tell him how i feel about it. I text him Saturday night and said, I thought I was going to see you later. He called me Sunday morning ans said, babe you know I told you I wasnt doing anything at all. He said when I left you, I went home and had a netflix kind of day. He said, I thought you had things to do. I said, I just had to get my eyebrows threaded and that was it. He said listen babe(in a very sincere voice), let me explain something to you…I have to tip toe around here and hint around to try to get some from her and most of the time she is not willing to give it up so I dont want to do that with you, you should be able to call me or text me whenever for me to come around there to give you what you need. I said well you know I have been available for you every other weekend when my kids are gone so if you wanted to cone around you knew where I was. He said well I just wanted you to know you can call me to come around any time. Felk, I honestly believe he thinks I am his girlfriend and whatever his wife is not willing to do, i should be willing to do and I need him to be clear about where I stand with this. I am willing to do whatever I want to do, when I want to do it and on my terms…I enjoy all of him, I really do even his aggresive approach to things but I need him to understand, while this can be fun and fulfilling momentarily…I still have to look out for myself because he is always going to look out for him. He told me in the beginning he would always have my best interest at heart and that he knows this can be one hell of a situation to get involved in but he was willing to take the risk and he understands how much of a risk it is for him because he could lose it all and for me I have everything to gain. I didnt care about what he said in the beginning because I had convinced myself that I would not sleep with a MM. However, I feel I have so much to lose as well especially if she finds out. I just think we need to have a talk to clear things up….

            However on the brightside, I am focusing on becoming healthier. I have a fitbit now and some motivating coworkers so I have some other things that I can focus on outside of him and my children. I am super exited about that…I still pray that GOD sends me a great husband. I was losing sight of wanting to get married but I know I want companionship and commitment. I want to grow with someone and I know better than to think I am going to grow with him for the rest of my life. I have girlfriends who want to set me up with guys and before I was hesitant but I am ready to meet some new people and date. I dont know how he will feel about it but it doesnt matter.

            You know what I do fear with all of this…knowing when its time to let go!

            I hope you had a productive day. I am curious to hear how things went with you and MM now that the break is over. Im sure you will give some insight into that.
            Ttyl
            😘😘

    • lara

      Life lessons, your words read like a page out of my life! My ex MM is upset with me right now too. What you describe is the exact same behavior I experience. It is mind boggling. First he ignored me and took me for granted. Then I broke up with him over a year ago and I blocked him. I realize blocking him is for ME. It is the only time I feel psychologically free from this nightmare Blocking is not for him. It is for me!

      But then I unblock it’s because I feel guilty that I have cut him off like that. I don’t want him back. I really don’t. I just feel guilty. He had two very hard life events last year at the same time I broke up with him (his father died on the same day for one) and I told him I would not just cut him out of my life entirely (as I had done in the past) because of course “I cared” about him (in a general way). But am I lying? I sent know myself sometimes. Each time I unblock him, it’s like he is right there demanding to know where I am. Where I am I? I am trying to live my life! But this does not seem to register with him. He seems to be unable to hears it. And I get a tiny bit of hope up that maybe he ‘cares” after all.

      From knowing him many years and talking to a therapist and doing research I know this man is truly a classic narcissist and I am a classic “empath”. This is potentially lethal combination (for him, not me). I can go down the tubes emotionally with this and have in the past. As for him, the world revolves around HIM and his needs. I am peripheral but he does in fact need me to PAY ATTENTION to him. He probably cheats because he needs constant attention and admiration. No amount is too much for him!

      It doesn’t matter how many times I leave him; he seems to not register it. He simply waits till I weaken, which I did so many times in the past. On the other hand he does NOT want to be with me in real life or leave his wife. This has never been about him leaving her. And he refuses to say “I love you”. And he takes me for granted and does not care when I need HIM! I think we are now (post beak-up) still emotionally tied up in very unhealthy way even though the sex part is over. Now it is I guess it is what might be called the remnants of an “emotional affair.” It is feeling very horrible.

      Here is a good and typical example: A huge issue and very difficult happened over New Year’s to my adult son who is 30. (I am divorced many years) It was very painful and I had to use all my emotional energy to help him. Anyhow the MM was blocked because I had of course blocked him again over X. I must have known he was trying to reach me and I was feeling guilty again so I unblocked for one day after the episode with my son was over just to see if he was trying to say “Happy New Year”. BAD MOVE on my part! He was there on my phone texting instantly. When I explained to him I had been around on New Years Day and in the middle of a family crisis it is like “he could not compute.” He could not empathize with my situation. All he heard was I was “next door” “free” when he was trying to reach me and, “How could I have done that to HIM?” He was trying to reach me!

      The reason I need to block him is for ME because these mind games are utterly exhausting and very debilitating. I was raised by a narcissist mother and I am told that is how I could possible find another narc attractive. I feel like I need to sell my house and get away from this but I love my house and I am also a landlord so it is part of my income. On the other hand I read things like this and know how serious this situation can be: “the truth is you are dealing with the greatest cocktail of physiological and emotional addiction you could ever imagine – and you are hooked to a master manipulator who knows every move to keep you stuck, emotionally at the very least, if not physically.” https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-leave-the-narcissist-with-your-emotions-intact/

      What I have done over the past few days is to order the book above “Living Beyond Your Feelings”. And I start every day with prayer and meditation and a tarot card reading and reading. (I do tarot for myself) I try to stay as close to God/Goddess/Higher Power as possible. And I come here and vent and talk THANK GOODNESS! I so appreciate having this forum to talk with you all. And my therapist is back from her holiday next week. I do believe we can help each other and if I am helping anyone I am very very grateful that all this misery can be put to some goos use! Sending love to all.!! Lara xxx000
      PS I in no way think that ALL of us here are dealing with a narcissist. Each one of us here has to figure that out on her/his own what the emotional dynamics are that led us to these miserable situations. But free advice: If you think you are dealing with one then READ UP on the subject! They are a world unto themselves.

      • Lifelessons

        Lara,

        You give me so much hope! Im so proud of you and how far youve come. I remember you from the forum before this one, I was Pat on that one. I have no clue as to whether or not he is a narcissist but I know he thinks I am his girlfriend. If I be completely honest (which I know I can) I use to think it was cute. Not the idea of dealing with someone else’s husband but the fact that he enjoyed me as much as I enjoyed him. Everyone likes to feel special…it is a wonderful feeling. However, we are a year in and he is comfortable with me now. He is clear about needing a girlfriend and as I said, I dont knw that I am willing to be that for the long haul. This is the type of situation that weighs heavy on you…unless you are just into messing around with MM. I dont think I have read a message from anyone here that didnt have mixed emotions about dealing with this type of situation. This is truly the epitome of a rollercoaster ride. My emotions are always up/down. I am just happy I have all of you wonderful ladies to support me no matter how ridiculous this is.

  • Hope

    Hi all,
    Just wanted to give you guys an update too, I am holding ok too after my bad patch. Mm insisted on being friends and I missed him too, so thought being friends will be a better option, at least I get to talk to him and I won’t miss him that much compared to NC. Didn’t work for me, his wife is going away for 2 weeks and he said he will miss me like crazy during that time. I knew he just wanted me to come over so we could have sex. It was like a light bulb moment, I have struggled so much and longed for him but in the end it was just about SEX for him. I told him I am going dancing with my friends on Sunday and somehow I could tell he was jealous. He then says he is worried my husband would be jealous (my husband has physically abused me in past, it’s the main reason I got into this affair. I felt like I had nowhere to go and here was this ‘perfect man’ who I thought would save me. . My husband has changed since I called cops on him after he bashed me badly, after that he hasn’t raised his hand on me. We are not in love but I have my reasons for not leaving)
    Little did I know this ‘perfect man’ was only using me for sex. Anyway so I asked mm if he himself was jealous that I was going, one thing led to another and he said he felt like I compared him to my husband which he felt was unfair as my husband had treated me so badly in past (I have been physically and verbally abused but I think this pain that we are experiencing is way worse than someone hitting me physically). I told him I didn’t mean to compare, etc. Then I straight up asked him if he had any plans for our future? Did he just get into this for sex and accidentally fall in love with me? Did he get into this having no intention of having a future with me? All he said was ‘I am so sorry I can’t give you a “normal loving relationship” that you want. Sorry it has come to this. I hope you can forgive me for all I have done’ I told him I forgive him (I felt I should, I know his wife she is a good person) and that I respect his decision and he should concentrate 100% on his relationship with his wife. Told him I’ll cut myself off from his life and that I will block him so we can both move on someday. And I blocked him. It’s difficult to explain but I feel the weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I am not constantly checking my phone to check if he messages me. At the moment I am feeling ok. Thank you for listening and take care all you gorgeous ladies 🙂
    Hope xxx

    • Felk

      Hope, that is SO strong that you blocked him. And I hope that the weight that you feel has lifted remains and you can keep up with the NC. I’ve had some of those moments of “freedom” where I stopped checking my phone and it’s wonderful, but I have not yet blocked him or cut off communication entirely. But I am getting to the point of being done waiting for him to come back to me. Today I feel strong. I’ve missed that feeling.

      • Hope

        Thank you Felk and good on you for feeling strong and positive! Yay that’s positive news 🙂 Yes I understand the moments of ‘freedom’ it’s a good feeling to be able to enjoy the moment rather than thinking or wondering how someone else is feeling right now. I am the same Felk, I have experienced only few of these moments but I am hoping we girls have many more of these moments. I know what you mean by ‘you are getting to the point of cutting off communication to some extent’ that was me Felk 3 or so months ago. But 3months on I am here. Back then 1 day of NC was torture, felt like I couldn’t live without this man that I love so much. But 3 months since the break up I understand what Lara said, once the fog begins to lift you begin to see things clearly. NC isn’t that difficult now (been doing it constantly for last 7 months) I know think it’s best for me to let him go. I am trying to take your advice to Lois on board, ignore him for you, because you need to, not because you want him to notice. I have copied that in my phone and read it when I find myself thinking about him. I know you are nervous about Monday and I hope and pray it goes well for you, Lois and all others. Please try not to let the situation upset you, you are a very strong woman Felk, you have helped us so much. All the best 🙂 I am rooting for you girls! And lastly if things go wrong be easy on yourself, it’s OK to be sad/upset, ask for answers. It’s absolutely OK. You are in a very tough situation and it really is very hard. You are doing the best you can 🙂
        Hugs and prayers xxxx
        Hope

        • Felk

          Oh Hope, I do feel pretty strong. It’s scary knowing I’m going to see him tomorrow, but I’ve felt a lot of healing over this time apart. NC really does work! NC is no longer torture for me. Not at all. Yeah, that’s how it felt at the beginning and probably for the first 4-6 weeks. But nearly 4 months later, and I feel a lot stronger. I rarely feel overwhelmed anymore, and I hope that doesn’t change when I start seeing him at work again. I also felt like my life wouldn’t be as happy anymore now that we were broken up, but, yeah, that feels different now (as I knew it would… even though I couldn’t “feel” it three months ago). I know it will continue to get easier, even if there are still hard moments. I also know that next week will be hard, but I know that will get easier, too. And, yes, as the overwhelming feelings go away, you start to see it all more clearly. Right now, what I see most clearly is how we need to stop holding onto what was. He and I were both still holding on after the break up. And understandably. There was a lot of good stuff for five years. But holding on was just hurting us, and we need to stop talking about what was and deal with what is. Being friends will still be hard, but it will be easier without all the reminiscing about what was and longing looks into each other’s eyes.
          And, like you, I keep reminding myself of my advice to others on here about making choices for yourself and not in the hope that he will notice or respond in a certain way. Make choices that are kind and honest and consistent with what you need for yourself. If he responds well to that, great. If he responds poorly to that, you’ll know you were true to yourself and it will feel strong. I know I will still be sad at times for a while. Five years is not easy to “get over.” And I’m really going to try to remember what you said about going easy on myself if next week is harder than I expect. I want to be strong, but I’m going to try not to beat myself up if I feel miserable again next week being reminded by how close (yet how far away) he is. I worry he will ignore me and I’ll feel rejected all over again. I worry we’ll laugh and talk like old times and it’ll hurt all over again. But, thinking it through and talking it through with you all on here has me feeling strong going into tomorrow and can’t ask for more than that.

          • Hope

            Hi Felk 🙂
            I am so glad you are feeling strong. You GO GIRL! This time you send a message that he no longer to chose the outcome. It’s your call too. That you are capable of being fine with him ending things. It’s no longer just his call.
            Yep NC works! 🙂 It brings peace, you are able to be in the moment instead of constantly waiting to hear back. Yes among the hard moments it will continue to get easier. I know the feeling of holding on to what little remains for as long as possible but if we will be back at this exact same spot again is it really worth it? Don’t know, for me I think it’s not. I have accepted that it ended for good. Glad it ended before innocent people got hurt.
            I can understand how scary it must be to see him again, not knowing what will happen or how the situation will turn out. I used to dread seeing ex mm at work after an attempt to break it off. Just know that we are all here for you. It’s OK if things don’t work out, you can try again later. Hope you have a good day at work filled with smiles 🙂 hugs and prayers xxxx
            Hope

    • lara

      Hope you have been through the ringer with your husband! You are one strong woman and I am rooting for you now matter what you decide to dow with the MM. Did you have help to get though those violent episodes? Abuse of any kind is no joke. And it is all too easy to fall victim to it. Take good care of YOU even if it seems completely selfish because it isn’t. I know this myself. I have been though emotional and psychological abuse from my mother, and then some of the men I chose to be with including the MM. I love that you asked yours straight up about his intentions. Way to go! His apologizing and asking for forgiveness sounds sincere as does your resolve to end this and go NC. I am so impressed with your strength, Hope.

      I too heard the: ‘I can’t give you a “normal loving relationship that you want and should have” from the MM. That is real heart whammy. isn’t it? It made me cry and cry. Then I could not leave him as he was such nice person wasn’t he? I also heard this line from my ex MM: “I am too problematic for you. You deserve someone of your own” But you know what? He was never big on actually apologizing and he sure never asked for forgiveness.

      Now looking back. In fact, I dont think he said these things to me because he really actually meant them deeply. I now think he said them because he knew I would admire him for saying them. He knew these were the things to say to get my respect and love, and then STAY with him, If that makes any sense. My ex MM is a narcissist for sure, and I have to re-condition myself in order to be able to re-hear what the words really mean, as opposed to what they sound like they mean. It is crazy making but I am getting the hang of it.

      My devotion and love to my ex MM fed his need for admiration and flattery and he would do anything to keep me saying those things, feeling those things, and naturally expressing those things sexually to him. It was ALL GOOD for him! As long as I was admiring him and having no needs of my own, everything was “fine.”

      Our jobs as the women in these crazy situations is to figure out who is the man (the MM) who we are involved with , who are WE in the situation, and what are the dynamics at play? It is not easy and the going is slow. But I think we can learn a lot about ourselves from these painful experiences. I know we have so many striking similarities however I know there are also very specific and individual differences as well. sending love to you all! Lara

      • Hope

        Thank you Lara for understanding and showing so much respect and support. It means the world to me, thank you. I have always thought of you as a very strong woman to have endured so much in life and for you to say that about me means so much to me. Most people judge me (think including ex mm) for going back to my husband but thank you for understanding. When the violent episodes happened in the beginning I tried to hide it (I am not proud of what I did back then, going back I would speak up!) After hitting me he would feel guilty and I spent days trying to make HIM not feel guilty. In laws were adding fuel to the fire. One day my daughter who was 18months old at the time got pushed and began crying that’s when I said enough and called the cops. Told him to pack his bags and leave. I was on my own for a while. My family lives in a different country but it’s amazing how many people helped me. I had a lot of people supporting me, friends, colleagues and strangers. I am very grateful. That day I sent a message to my husband, if he couldn’t control his anger I would be calling the cops in a heartbeat and fight him in court. I told him I did not want our daughter to think it was ok for a man to a hit a woman. I asked him how he would feel if she married a guy like him? Told him he needs to be a good role model because she will compare guys in her life to her father. I know they say people don’t change but I think he did. He has never done it again.
        I am so sorry about the abuse you endured from your mother, as a parent we always want to protect our little ones, it must take a really evil person to do what she did to you. Good on you for standing up and fighting it. The thing with abuse is that they will keep doing it until one day we STOP them, say enough is enough!
        Your ex mm sounds like a real narcissist. It must take so much courage and power to decode his mind games, what a manipulative moron!! The ‘I can’t give you a normal relationship, hope you can forgive me for all I have done’ made me cry and cry. My heart goes out to you Lara for going through the same thing. It truly is/was the most painful thing that I have endured. But I am sure we all can put it behind us. You are right in saying it can be done.
        Yes the real job is to try and figure out who the mm really is? My situation is similar to yours. It was too good for HIM, he will never end it. I need to I want to stay sane. He reached out again (I am not proud of it but I unblocked him, kept thinking about him asking for forgiveness and how he could never give me a normal relationship) I told him I need time to be his friend, can’t do it now when my feelings are not in check. He said he wanted my kiss. Really is all about sex. I have serious questions on whether it ever was love or just lust and attraction? My gut tells me he is not going MIA (like usual when I ask the tough questions) only because he wants me to come over and let him have sex with me when his wife is away. Not happening. No doubt in my mind that I’ll be staying far away. I’ll keep on NC as much as possible. I really was more peaceful when I had blocked but then started feeling bad that I ended it on my terms, not giving him a chance to say anything. Thanks again Lara for everything. I’ll always look forward to hearing from you 🙂 thank you so much for helping a woman half way across the world. Take care, God Bless xxx
        Hope.

  • Lois

    Good morning, ladies. Just wanted to give you a brief update. I am still holding strong and kept things strictly business. Matter of fact, he walked past my office earlier and said good morning…acted like I did not hear him; had my headphones listening to music. I have walked passed him twice but he was speaking with someone else; so neither of us spoke. My friend/co-worker who had an affair with him a few years ago said he told her yesterday that he found out from doctor that he has a gluten allergy. What amazes me is that he has never, ever discussed his medical condition with me; only back in April when he ended things because he needed to focus on his health and he had been hiding things for awhile but would no longer be able to do that because people who notice the changes…blahblahblah. Anyway, I doing okay and hanging in there….just keep those prayers coming! Thanks!

    • Lara

      Lois Stay strong! And yes I am praying for you. As long as you work together or are next door to each other (like I am) it is VERY VERY difficult. Seeing each other can easily trigger one or both of you to want to go back to the old times. How easy it is to slip backwards….Be careful! Sending hugs, Lara

    • Felk

      Hi Lois, Sounds like you had another good day at work. Remember to try not to care whether or not he’s “noticing” you ignoring him. Ignore him for you and because you need to and not because you’re trying to get him to miss you or care that you’re ignoring him. Try not to wonder if he notices. Try not to wonder if he’s going to say something to you about it. I know that’s easier said than done, but ignore him so that you can move on. He notices. I guarantee. But he may not say anything to you about it because he’s trying to move on, too. And he may say something to you about it. That’s going to be the hardest. Because you know that will feel good in the moment and then feel awful when more doesn’t come from it. As for what he told the other woman about his gluten allergy, you’ll drive yourself crazy thinking about the things he did and didn’t tell you. He likely didn’t tell you because he was trying to keep a distance between what he was doing with you and his personal/private business. He was trying not to get too close because it was an affair. I know that hurts, but my MM did the same thing. We would be so close at times, and then at others he wouldn’t tell me things that seemed so easy to tell. As best you can, try to remember that none of it really matters if you want it to be over.

      • Lois

        Hey, Felk. You are right and should not wonder/worry if he is paying attention. There are so many red flags with this guy that I know it’s best to end things but it is so difficult because I do no want to. If he would continue and not play the mind games, I probably would be okay with the affair and hooking up every now and then because I do enjoy the sex. Just being totally honest. However, it is been over a year and half of on again/off again that I am tired of it. I think, he maybe just as confused but would never admit it if it was true. I just do not know and so freaking confused. I am struggling and hope my stubbornness kicks in overdrive. Like you said, I will drive myself crazy trying to figure out his behavior/motives. It really hurts that he does not put forth more of an effort to communicate with me and makes me feel like he never truly cared. I know what needs to happen but my heart is broken once again. I am trying to stay strong and hopefully, the next day or two will be easier…take one day at time. Thanks!

        • Felk

          Hi Lois, I know what you mean about how you’d be willing to continue the affair if he’d just be more communicative and he wouldn’t be so back-and-forth with the guilt. But, that’s wishful thinking. I also would be happy to continue my affair if my MM could go back to separating us from his marriage and not feel the pressure and guilt. But that’s not the reality. So, just because we’re willing to continue the affair, it doesn’t mean that they are or it doesn’t mean that they are willing under conditions that treat us with respect. Your MM might be willing to continue your affair, but it seems like he’s going to continue with the low communication and go MIA at times. Or maybe he’d be willing to continue the affair, but only with the sex and not giving you the closeness that you want. That is and will be miserable for you. My MM has chosen not to continue with the affair and in the three months after the break up, sure there were plenty of mixed messages with him sending me sweet texts or email or telling me to my face that he was still in love with me. But he wasn’t playing games and he wasn’t being mean. He was trying to figure out how to move on after a five-year affair. He was scared and holding on. He was still torn and finding it hard to let go while knowing he had to let go. He and I were trying to be friends. I like to cling to the warm things he said three weeks ago when we last saw each other, but I probably should be paying more attention to the fact that he’s communicated so little with me over these three weeks (and always initiated by me). That seems the bigger clue as to what he wants. It really is an “actions speak louder than words” sort of thing. And consider that with your MM, too. So, instead of trying to figure out what he’s thinking just assume that if he wants your relationship, he will tell you. I read about that a few weeks ago, about how we shouldn’t sit around waiting for them to come back or keep trying to remind them of our existence (texts and emails here and there) because they know we’re there. If they want us, they will come for us. And you know I type these things dreading seeing him on Monday. I wish I could go to work with strength, but I know he will act casual and give no special attention to the three weeks we just spent apart. And it’s not because he’s not hurting. I know seeing me will be hard for him, too. But he won’t act on it, and that will hurt.

  • lara

    My MM was back to try and see me at New Years. He works next door. He will never leave this affair. Ever. It was too good for him.
    Only I can change and I have. I left! We have not had sex in over a year. It’s hard as hell to reject this man I will always love (in some ways), but I do reject him. It feels like I can never get away from this mess. But I have! And have I been doing this for months and months. For me, to do this it is quite simple really:

    I ask him how his wife is? I say, “how has it been holding hands with her this week?” “Sleeping next to her?” “How was Christmas Eve?” “New Year’s Eve?” “I saw that lovely picture of you and her on Facebook”…etc

    I mention his wife all the time and this pisses him off. And it turns him off. He does not rage or yell. He just silently stews. He figures I will change my mind sooner or later. And then he leaves. It is really as simple as that. And it turns me off too. The thought of sleeping with him becomes horrible when I think of her and speak about her OUT LOUD for us both to hear.

    I hate doing this to “us”. I really do. I am “destroying “us”. But I realized there is no “us” after all. There was never an “us”. It was a total lie and a total illusion that I was part of an “us”. Actually I was the third wheel for a “them”. “Those two” were the “us” and I was like an attachment to him to use when the going got tough with “them”. No more.

    I hate being this with with a man I cared about so much. But I am sick of him and her and I am sick of their marriage and it’s supposed “problems”. I am sick of being a side piece, a booty call, and frosting on his damn cake. I am sick of him thinking I will just “get over it” and that my feelings are less important than his or hers. My feelings don’t count. I am soooo sick of this triangle. I am tired of making his marriage “bearable”. I am sick of the fact that he is NEVER around when I need him. I am sick of the fact that I know him, but then again I don’t know him at all.

    He is silent a lot. Not a talker. I love that about him. But it makes it very easy for him to cheat when I think about it. On the outside he looks calm and measured and I have always loved that about him. But now I realize that there is so much I never see. Of all those things I never see the biggest red flag thing (that is finally obvious to me now) is that he plays an excellent game with his wife. But he is a real back stabber to her as well. He would make a very good poker player. Or con artist. The latter is what I feel he is now. And my affair went on and off for more year than I care to admit. I have nothing for all my efforts and love in the end except for the final realization that he is an expert con artist. I guess I kind of deserve it as adultery is yes, a mortal sin and I participated so I am part of the “wrong” action. But I am done. Whether or not adultery is a mortal sin, I have learned a hard lesson. In the end of my affair I have ZERO GOOD THINGS. I am left only with so much bitterness and anger. Lesson learned. Back to the drawing board!

    • Lois

      Hey, Lara. I was reading your post and the MM that was in your life reminds me of the MM in mine because he is silent does not show his emotions. As you described, he would be a good poker player because you cannot read his emotions. This characteristic is what attracted me to him because he was kind of mysterious; yet very charming. I just had a conversation with my friend who had an affair with MM and told her that I think he was wife does not have a clue the life he portrays to all of us. I think, she believes their marriage is good because he is so good a manipulation. I feel that he allows her to stay at home with the kids and let’s her buy and do and she pleases so she does not question his whereabouts. He has a business on the side and is constantly working odd jobs to make money for his family, so she does not have a clue that when he comes home at 5:00 that he has been with me having sex…he probably tells her it was one of jobs that detained him. He is definitely not a person who I want to have a real relationship with, so right now I am able to keep my distance because I find him rather repulsive right now. There is a situation at work where for certain that I know he is lying about and just cannot believe he pretends to be a righteous person but bears false witness upon someone and lies on top of it. I do not understand it and definitely makes me think about what else he lies about. He has such a way about him that I am totally upset right now but he could put a spin on it that would make me rethink what I know to be true. He bothers me that tells me that he cannot be without me because he is trying to get right with God; yet he lies and manipulates. Sorry, I am really aggravated right now. Although, I know is it my own fault for being in this situation, I am finding myself tired of being used and his fall to person when things are hitting the fan. I decided a couple of days ago to stop initiating things with him to see if he comes to me…if not, I have my answer that he truly does not care and honestly right now even if he would, I am really turned off by his behavior and actions toward lying on someone. I sure hope and pray this time it is enough to have learned my lesson. Thanks for listening. Good luck and thanks for posting.

    • Hope

      Thank you Lara, I needed this today. I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself and doing what’s needed. Your mm thinking you will change your mind sooner or later sounds exactly like my mm!! He too feels the same, although we haven’t had sex since we broke up in October he still feels I’ll go back to the crumbs sooner or later. I have hit my bad patch again. Tried friendship with mm but simply didn’t work and am back in the ups and downs again. He said he misses me everyday but then says his wife is going away for 2 weeks soon and he will miss me like crazy then, how crazy am I to still love this man so much?! He clearly just was in it for sex and accidentally fell in love with me. Here’s the truth, I wish he left his marriage and we are together but he has never even considered it. Makes me the crazy and selfish one to wish all these things. Took me 3 years to realise he will never make me his partner no matter how much I love him, for him it was all about sex and that really hurts. How can men cause so much pain to others just so they can have sex?? I think it hurts us women more than it hurts them. Mm is in love with me and I know he is but has he cried that much for me like I did for him? does it hurt him when I spend time with others as it hurts me listening about his outings with his wife? NOPE
      One thing my mm has never felt is the guilt, so many of mm here feel the guilt but mine never did and I am not sure why. He always said there was nothing wrong in what we did and that there is no reason for me to feel guilty, he has been married for 40 years I wonder why he never feels/or at least expresses the guilt (may be hides it but he has never once told me he felt guilty. He always felt strongly that there was nothing wrong in what we did) In 3 years I made numerous attempts to break it off but him not one. May be because it was easy sex for him. Thank you for listening and staying positive 🙂

      • Lara

        Hope and Lois I have so much identification with both of you! Lois we both found that strong silent mysterious type of guy sexy but yes, yours like mine has kept a wife and mother of his children happily at home for ever and she gets to spend his money etc. I don’t think the wife of my ex MM asks a lot of questions. But I find it incredible she does not know. On the other hand I often wonder if she too might be seeing someone else? Who knows. All the questions make me sick because I never ever get REAL answers. I am always wondering and in the dark and not knowing where I stand etc.

        Hope, my guy like yours has NEVER felt guilty about having extra marital sex! It chills me how he can have no guilt actually. WTF? On the other hand maybe he is lying but wants me to have sex with him so he makes like there is no guilt involved? Who knows. Like I already said, I have too many questions and too few answers. He too never considered leaving his marriage. So then why can’t these guys let us go? I really do NOT think it is because of “love”. A “loving person” would let us go and wish us the best in our futures with another guy: Someone else! These affairs seem to be all about obsession not “love”.

        With these MM’s (in many cases) I think it really is all about sex. Again I am really puzzled. It really does seem to be all about sex as far as I can figure. The power of sex is very strong. I will agree on this. As for “how can men cause us so much pain just so they can have sex”? That haunts me too. It seems to be so selfish as to be unbelievable! I always think I was far too naive for this affair. I fell hard into love. For me the sex made me feel I was totally “in love” and wanted to be with him. For him it seems like it was like eating a chicken wing. (When the meat is off the bones and in his belly, throw the rest away!) Grrrrrrrr

        • Hope

          Thank you for the numerous times you have helped me Lara. It really is scary that he never might have felt the guilt but as you said may be he did but he wanted me to keep having sex with him so he never told me that he did feel bad/guilty. Who knows. Yes having so many questions and few answers makes it difficult to get closure and moving on all the more difficult.
          I think you are 100% right, with my ex mm it was definitely all about sex. That is the most hurtful part for me. It hurts that he never really had an intention of having a future with me, it was just about sex.
          Being used as you described like eating a chicken wing, when the meat is off the bones and in his belly throw away the rest.. this sends chills down my spine. I am so glad you escaped the situation. Good on you Lara, I keep saying it but it’s true we are so proud of you and what you have achieved. I’ll keep you all in my prayers. Take care and once again thank you for all your insights, they have helped me and so many others. Hugs xxx
          Hope

      • Lois

        Hey, Hope. I very sorry you are struggling right now. I definitely do not have the answers but do understand what you are going through and it hurts like hell to think you were only being used. For most of us, we got in this situation because we were unhappy and needed to fill a void. We didn’t intend to fall in love but it happened and now we are trying to do what’s right but it’s so difficult. It doesn’t help that these MM have fallen in love too because they were trying to fill a void too. Don’t get me wrong I think some of these men are narassistic and enjoy the head games and are incapable of loving someone. Some I think would like to be with their affair partner but things get complicated when kids are involved and have to respect they chose their children over mistress but they are still human too and want to fill void. I can’t say for sure where your MM lies in all of this because maybe he’s a little bit of everything. Im not sure how anyonr could cheat and not feel guilt…it’s a litte alarming that it doesn’t bother him. Why does he stay married? Regardless. It doesn’t make it easy to just walk away especially if you work with tgem. It’s truly a gut wrenching experience and is am emotional rollcoaster. Since you are the one who ends things, he obviously is okat with the situation and will continue as long as you will allow it. Can you continue lIke you are now? It depends on what you can live with and know that he can’t always be available. If you can’t then you’ve answered your own question. Of course it’s always easier for us to give advice but taking our own advice is little different. Just know we are here for you. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers. Whatever you decide. I hope it all works out for you because he deserve to be happy.

        • Hope

          Hi Lois,
          Thank you for your help. I am grateful for people like you, Lara, Felk, J and so many other kind ladies. And thank you helping me answer my questions, as Lara said it’s hard to get closure with few answers and so many questions. Yes working with ex mm and trying to move on is very hard, you and Felk are very strong ladies in doing so. I know very well how hard it is I used to work with my ex mm.You can do it Lois, so can Felk!
          Do I want to continue like this? Absolutely not. I am tired of the ups and downs. I am tired of him feeling no guilt while using sentences like ‘on our(him and his wife) trip to Spain this happened’. It hurts bad now but I wish to get out before it gets much worse. I have learned from this forum that the more time we are engulfed in the affair the harder it is to move on. Thanks again Lois. Hugs and prayers to you too. Hope you find happiness too, you deserve it. Hope everyone on this forum finds happiness and with time we could all put this behind us. Hugs and prayers xxx
          Hope 🙂

          • Felk

            Hi Hope, If you’re able to get out now, of course I encourage that. I don’t know when that window closed for me, but I know early on (maybe first year) he and I wavered on whether we should continue the affair or just keep our friendship as is. I don’t regret continuing the affair with him. It was a really enjoyable five years. But I’ve been hurting for almost four months now, and I know I still have more months of pain to go to get over it all. Five years is a lot to get over, so that’s why I encourage you to get out now if you’re already mad and sad often. For my MM and I, things didn’t get bad until the last 9 months or so. By that point, I was in deep and it was really hard to get out. Took 9 months for him to finally get the strength to end it. So, if you can get that strength, kudos to you.
            And thanks for the encouragement. I head to work Monday to see my MM for the first time in three weeks and I’m nervous as heck about what I’m going to feel. And I know my MM is going to feel the same way. I know he experienced all these ups and downs we talk about. My MM was also the quiet/private type (and I’m thinking that maybe there’s something about the type of man who has an affair… the one who’s colder and not as good at expressing emotion?) so he will hold it in well at work, but I know he’ll be struggling, too. I know some of these guys are selfish jerks, but I think some of them are just like us. They’re hurting and dealing with it in the best way they can. We wonder what they’re thinking/feeling. They wonder what we’re thinking/feeling. If you remember Spark on here a few months ago, he was saying pretty much what we were all saying about missing and hurting. Maybe men just hold in the pain more where women want to reach out? And maybe we read that as these men not caring, but I almost think they care more.

  • Nomad

    Hi Felk,

    NC day7 (after countless cycles, each stretching longer) and met new year resolution for 4 days 🙂 1st 2 days were hellish, couldn’t function and kept imagining he’s brewing something with another new target.We also started with harmless WhatsApp didn’t we? Yesterday I managed to stop stalking their last seen and curb my wild imagination because I’m hurting myself.

    What you last wrote strikes a 90% of resonance except that I’m still not as calm and understanding as you. The space that I’m giving him is us drifting towards natural death; it is helping him to adapt and to quit us in a less abrupt or more easing manner. He was kind to console me that who knows, we may still have feelings after 3-6 months. But he needs the space to be rational, to manage his guilt & fear and regain his conscience because it’s morally wrong to cheat and we mustn’t destroy lives especially the innocent people. How sensible and righteous. I’m fading in his life by granting him the space, yes, I should be thankful that I’m given this chance to repent and redeem; this is how things should be and most affairs end secretly. I must understand his decision and stop “hating” him for forsaking me because im seemingly guilty of possessing narcissistic behavior (yes I think he’s an empath as I read more so we had been toxic).

    We had numerous honest heart-to-heart hoping it will get him to reveal how much he feels for you and how he doesn’t want this to end, yes, I set myself up for a lot of pain. He said he didn’t know if he wanted to end, it’s up to me and he’s always thinking about the HOW TO (how to love without fear and guilt; how to help me to “enjoy” the best of both worlds. Last meeting on 29Dec, he was still assuring there isn’t another woman and it’s isn’t easy to have sex with wife though they bought a new bed and is going to sleep together while settling the kids in a separate room (for few years, all 4 of them slept in same room, his way of convincing me it’s inconvenient to have sex). He also assured me that I had the best, the sweetest, sexiest of him in this lifetime. However, the sensibility, guilt and fear seems to grow during the space I’ve given since Nov (28days of record breaking NC). I chose not to celebrate his birthday in Dec by escaping to overseas and he tried to look for me, waited for my birthday wishes. He was on leave the entire dec and caught up with family bonding time, great to break away from work and doing stuffs for the kids and house (rearranging sleeping grouping… I had anticipated it but was burning in jealousy when it finally did happened)

    Felk, if you were me, how would you tell yourself to think and react if you learnt that they are now sleeping next to each other every night and she’s now within an arm’s reach if he has needs (he’s sexual but guilt gets in our way and he stopped initiating; either he feels really bad and not worth the risk or he doesn’t want to give me hope, making me feel used). It’s unreasonable to make him “promise” me not to touch the legal one right? And i asked myself, so what if he sleeps with his wife? So what so what? It’s beyond my control especially now he said it’s good to end. I told him sure, let’s leverage on the power of the new year to quit the wrong and live the right. I was too proud to plead. I still want him but I shouldn’t settle for less at the expense of my self respect (in his eyes, long gone); but now I can’t because he has decided to forsake me for family and peace. My fault to empower him because I thought his kids are much younger and he’s struggling at work for survival, so like you Felk, I often compromise to suit his convenience and often suffer after office hours, weekends, holidays and dec.

    Lately I experienced that “he may not say what you want and it can really hurt if you don’t hear what you want to hear.” then my fear and panic triggered as I seeing the relationship IS ending.

    Everyday, I’ve lot of thoughts about how I need to let him go. How he’s struggling too much and it’s causing him too much pain, and we can’t have anything good while he’s still struggling with guilt. (More guilt means lesser love/lust towards me right?) He needs to work on his own stuff, and, he now wants out. He stops initiating and didn’t even let me know when he drops by office. He would place the document for my signature in my tray (in the past he would seize such opportunity to connect).

    I want to think like you about feeling good about recognizing that he needs space. That I don’t want him while he’s suffering about it all. We were good and rough for 1 but this past 7 months was rough as the NCs worn us out and then he started to realize with honesty that he is not suitable for an affair, too much to bear and too draining. I drain him out and dry.

    Interestingly, it felt easier for me during Nov & Dec. But since I’m back after Xmas and hearing things I fear or didn’t want to hear, makes it really hard for me. I cried and felt pathetic and abandoned.

    He loves me. He told me 7 days ago in the voicemail. Then he gave up and blocked me.

    Will I wake up tomorrow able to take comfort in trying to let go because it’s the best thing for both of us right now.

    Felk and all that could feel me, I sincerely hope to hear from you to help me to pull through another weekend.

    Love you all!

    • Felk

      Hi Nomad, Good job on 7 days of NC. Keep trying to do more. And as you’re saying, it gets easier over time. If you’re able to take comfort in knowing that letting go is the best thing for you, then keep reminding yourself of that. Lately, I’ve been getting strength by recognizing that letting go is the best thing for me… because it’s the best thing for him. Meaning, he wants to focus on his family. He is the one who ended our affair. I need to respect that, and give him a chance to work on his marriage. It does no good for me to hold on to something that might not happen, and it also does no good for me to be caught in limbo with him (which is where we were for the last three months after the break up). For years, he made it clear that he wanted me and us. Even when he struggled a bit with how he was treating his wife, he made it clear to me that he wanted us. Then, about a year ago, he slowly stopped doing that. The struggle because greater and he stopped telling me that he wanted to continue us. He had more doubt about it all. It sounds like it was similar to your situation where the last 7 months your MM realized he wasn’t suited for an affair. For me, it was 9 months of my MM slowly pulling away from us until he ended it. Those 9 months were full of ups and downs. We still had good times through those 9 months, but I felt more anxiety than I ever had in the affair and it was getting miserable for me. I wasn’t as happy anymore. I was holding on, waiting for him to choose to continue our affair and that was kind of pathetic. I don’t want to be pathetic anymore. I don’t want to wait for him anymore. I want him to choose us, and, if he can’t, I want to let go. I’m not saying it’s easy. I type strong words here, but I have all sorts of fear that when I see him on Monday, I will miss him all over again and desperately want to be with him. As best I can, though, I’m going to try to remember that it does me no good to wait for him. Time to move on.
      As far as your MM sleeping with his wife, I think you have you accept that as a part of marriage. Jealousy is the worst and it’s inevitable when we’re with MM, but it is unreasonable for you to ask your MM not to be intimate with his wife. Like you say, so what if he sleeps with his wife? When my MM and I were having the affair, I assumed he still had sex with his wife. We rarely talked about it (and that’s really smart to NOT talk about your spouses), but I figured it was happening and what was most important to me is that my MM made it clear that he wanted to be with me. And he did. He also said little things here and there about how the sex was better with me. That helped.
      The hardest thing for me is accepting that I can’t have my MM in my life the way I used to. It felt really good to get that attention and affection from him. It felt really good to talk and kiss and laugh as we did. It’s hard to lose that. And it’s hard to think that he didn’t want that enough with me to keep it. That’s the hardest part. It hurts my self-esteem. It’s the rejection of feeling that didn’t think we were worth continuing. But that’s all true. And I have to accept it. He loved me and he still loves me. He misses me. But he chose his family, and the more I try to get him back or the more I dwell on it, the more miserable I am. So, going to keep trying to move on.

      • Nomad

        Dear Felk, I’m starting to experience what you are anticipating next week. I’ve restarted NC after he rang my desk and we met for lunch yesterday. It’s getting harder to endure NC and I wonder where did I gather my courage and strength to sustain a 28days NC in Nov.

        After lunch, we kissed goodbye and by the night, I was shocked that he deleted and blocked my contact for the very first time in 19months!!!! Despite last 7 months of me giving him shit that made me realize I could fit into the label of a narcissist, he endured like an empath (yes I started to read abt N & E) And never once blocked or deleted me. Why? What’s happening?

        Let me share what we spoke over the 1hr lunch… desire sparked but we agreed to end and exercise self control to help each other, we were thinking of room but he said the thought itself triggered guilt and he abruptly ended the lunch saying he needed to rush back to office. I was dumbfounded. .

        I again caved in all because he rang my desk and told me he loves me and misses me and fought hard not to call me. I thought I could handle with calmness and dignity especially he was the one who called me first (I was secretly thrilled). Over lunch, I Again turned him off by grilling him asking him if we are ending. He kept quiet and admitted it’s very difficult because he’s still has this greed and selfishness wanting the best of both worlds. He asked me my rules of engagement, if it’s possible to NC long period then get together to unleash our desire. I said it doesn’t work for me. I asked if we are still hopeful. He replied it’s difficult due to the guilt and the fear, he doesn’t want to destroy family so how we must contain the damage just between the 2 of us; and mentions of my spouse added on to his guilt even more. I asked if he knows how difficult it is for me in this vicious cycle and I’ve my guilt too. He said noted. I told him since he’s no longer serving me any purpose I don’t know why I’m still not letting go.
        He said it’s because of him he knows, he’s no longer giving me attention and affection but i had the best of him! He has never showered so much affection and lust to any other women (including his wife?); he apologized because he has issues and many grey areas of indecisiveness and caused me so much pain. I told him to remind himself what he has just righteously outlines – guilt, not worth the risk, difficult to continue and it’s morally wrong. I know he’s not listening but I repeated that we can never be friends… friends don’t hurt, I can easily walk away from friends who let me down or cause me any tension. He suggested meet next week and I am so tempted. I rejected next week, I rejected two emails invitation on my birthday. If only he said let’s continue and he could manage his guilt and accommodate to my needs and wishes to make me happy and normal but it’s clear that he wanted out yet still lingers in confusion and indecisiveness.

        I’m brewing the whole day because I’m being blocked and deleted and this whole day has been crawling and agonizing.

        Felk, I think I’ve to admit, like you, I’m actually not ready to let go but I’m fooling myself to believe that I am and I must. What am I holding onto when he’s guilty of even throwing me crumbs to give me false hope. No resolve after spending dec away and thinking I’m stronger to move on by new year!

        • Felk

          Hi Nomad, I’m glad you got to talk to your MM yesterday if it helped you get some understanding of his thoughts and feelings. It sounds like he feels similarly to you where he’s trying to end it but can’t entirely let go. I know all too well the discussions about still wanting each other and then him ending it abruptly because it all becomes too real (or because he was getting too turned on by your talk about getting a room). It’s funny that he suggested NC for a while and then getting together to unleash your desire. When my MM and I were trying to come up with “solutions” to our situation, I thought about that one. I never suggested it because I don’t think it would work, and it seems like you know that. All that would happen is that in the NC period, you’d long for each other and it would be frustrating because you couldn’t have each other for a while. My MM lost hope also for the same reasons your MM did. There was too much guilt and fear about hurting his wife and family. I know we want them to say they can continue with us and manage the guilt and fear, but they can’t. They are being honest with us and telling us that it’s too hard for them. And it does no good to try to force it. So, your MM is blocking you and deleting you (btw, how did you know he blocked you and deleted you?) because he’s trying NC. Just as we try NC.
          Unfortunately, just because we’re not ready to let go doesn’t mean we shouldn’t. I think we all know that. I know I have to let go. And I’m kind of ready. So, what does it mean (to me) to be ready? It means that I don’t want to try for more with him. It means I will continue to attempt our friendship (since we work together), but I won’t try to talk about us or feelings or what could be or what was with him anymore. And it means, personally, I’ll try to stop waiting. I’ll try to stop thinking about what he’s thinking about me. I know what he’s thinking. He misses me, as I miss him. He loves me, as I love him. But he wants the relationship over so it does me no good to keep worrying about what he’s thinking. And, if I keep thinking about what he’s thinking, I continue to act for him and not for myself. I continue to be controlled by what I think will be most likely to get him to come back to me. And that is pathetic, and I don’t want that anymore. I know tomorrow (and the next day and…) will be hard, but talking this through with all of you and hearing about your experiences has helped me think about my own situation so much. I will keep you all posted. Continued good luck to everyone!

  • Brook. C

    Wow it’s quiet embarrassing how many of us are saying I miss him, I love him etc… I can also guarantee that at least a few of us are dealing with the same man. After reading all these comments I am even more convinced that being with a married man was the worse mistake of my life.
    I still ask myself what in Gods name was I thinking, surely I must’ve vulnerable. Ladies this is no Joke stop devaluing yourself and Move on.
    I too dated a married man whi lied about his status but quiet frankly when I found out he was marrid it was the beginning of the end. At first I begged him to promise he would never leave me and then I stayed lost and devalued. I am disgusted in myself… How could I even tolerate such nonsense. I finally realise the adultery is the worse sin because the pain it brings its not bearable and that is why God tells us not to commit Adultery… remeber God doesn’t say explicitly say don’t fornicate as he does about adultery.
    Trust me ladies it gets better.. your mind might deceive you a bit longer than it should but eventually u will get over it and move on.

    • J

      You are so right. Worst mistake of my life and I feel completely disrespected and devalued. I’ve never been treated this way in my life. I’ve never let anyone make me be second. It’s like I’m a non priority and I’ve allowed myself to accept crumbs. Like that’s all I’m worth. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. He changed so much once he knew I fell in love with him. All I want is to stop loving him, stop caring about him, stop thinking of him. It’s a terrible nightmare which I want to wake up from. I can’t even believe I’ve accepted him outlining his sex attempts with his wife. It’s completely disgusting.

  • Nomad

    I had a difficult day ruminating all by myself and creating tension and scenario in my head; and tomorrow when I wake, I want a change. I want to say enough is enough. I’m being cruel with myself when mm has already moved on, last seen was 2hrs ago and should be happily and soundly asleep…I can’t complain that life is unfair because I chose to be my own worst enemy…didn’t want to start a new year this way…

  • Marie (aka screwloose)

    It’s been 6 months since I last saw him 1 since the last random text 4 since any conversation. It still hurts but what hurts most is seeing how much of a fool I was. I believed I was special and I was wrong . I believed everything he said . I was the one he loved and would forever. I didn’t want to see the lies that were right in front of me. He replaced me so easily . If he loved me like I did him he would not have been able to do that. I have found so many things on line so many other women he was flirting with. I probably wasn’t the first and I wonder if there were others at the same time as me. I feel bad for his wife. All I can do now is accept the hurt because honestly I deserve it for even being in this position. All the days and nights I cried, didn’t eat, felt sick. He was most likely having sex with someone else. That is such a painful truth to swallow. If I had it to do again I would run in the other direction. So for those considering a mm or new to it maybe you will be one of the lucky few that it actually works for but you may also end up like I did. Broken hearted and scared for life.

  • Lois

    Well ladies, I hope all of you have a wonderful New Year and wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide. My new year resolution is get free of this emotional roller-coaster. MM has been on my mind every day that I have been off with my kids for Christmas break. Although I know they do not have a clue what’s been on my mind, I am well aware of it and feel so guilty. My boys are teenagers so they don’t hangout with me too much and it’s not like I’ve neglected them…just wasn’t in a cheerful mood which isnt uncommon because holidays are hard on me anyway due to difficult childhood. I have found myself wishing the days away because I wanted to find out what’s going on with MM and was anxious to get back to work. Now I am dreading to return to work because I don’t know what to expect and would like to get my feelings under control before I see him. I’ve given our situation considerable thought and he’s right about our affair driving a wedge because I realized it has with my husband. The difference is that I don’t blame him unlike him blaming me for the wedge between him and his wife. This is my fAult in falling in love with him…no one to blame but myself. Over the holiday, I realized how much I pull away from my husband when he toucheS me in my heart I want it to be MM. Thisis not fair to him. Yes he’s an asshole and has other issues but he does love. The spark left our marriage a long time ago. He’s extremely jealous of our kids and it has caused us to drift apart. I love him but not in lovewith him. I know the feelings I once had for my husband is now felt toward MM. It’s going to be difficult but I have to end things with MM and some how to fix my marriage. I’m not sure that it can be but having MM on m uh heart I will never know. There is no future with MM and honestly not sure that I would want one. Maybe if it was just for sex but not even sure then. I don’t think I could trust MM…he has had an affair with me and know for certain with one other person since he started work 5 years ago. The other person he had an affair with is certain she wasn’t his first because he was too calm about going to hotels with her. She had never done anything like that and was a nervous wreck. They lasted for a few months. He had promised her yo leave wife but neverhappened. He would also go MIA with her too. He told her more stories than with me. Like he did undercover work. He also bought her cards and has never bought me anyrhing. It’s kind of hard to know the person who your MM cheated with before especially when he has not said or done things with me Iike he did with her. For example, he told her that he loved her buy has never told me he’s only.said in.a chat that he thought I knew his feelings for me were more than just caring. HE told me his feelings for me were more than he ever felt for her…so what’s that supposed to mean. Unfortunately, I can’t tell my friend about our affair because it would ruin our friendship. They both know I know but she doesn’t know that he knows I know. Sorry if that’s confusing. Anyway the thing is that I need to focus more on my family and let go of MM. I’m really looking forward to b ed free of these emotions and days of worrying to be over. I will keep you posted. Happy new year!

    • Felk

      Lois, more power to you if you can do this. You know I know the feeling of desperately wanting to see someone and then dreading seeing that person. Right now, I’m eager to see my MM. But come Sunday, who knows how I’ll feel about the prospect of seeing him the next day. I figure it will be that usual mix of eagerness and tension, and it won’t live up to what I want and I’ll end up feeling bad at the end of the day. Even though this break has helped me a bit, he’s still in my head every day and I think it’s because I know I will see him soon. I think the process will just continue to be slow for me. It’s getting better, but there are still setbacks and ups and downs for me. What I wouldn’t give right now to hear him say he missed me. I know he does, but I just want to hear him say it. But then all that does is drag me back in. If really hope you can quit your MM.

      • Lois

        Thanks Felk. I appreciate your support. It’s easier said than done, so we will see what happens when I go back to work tomorrow. I think the break has been good and truly grateful for this site. I read everyone’s post and can relate to many of the struggles. However, I have not experienced the romance like most of you…the dates, dinner, gifts, hotel rooms, etc. I think it was J who commented how one sided this affair has been and very correct…why bother.Although my feelings for him are genuine, I am not convinced his are because his actions say differentl. I know he struggles with the guilt or at least that’s what he says. I do know neither of us plan to leave our marriages, so once again…why bother? Even if I go back to work tomorrow and he still wants to be together, I know it is only a matter of time and i will be right back here trying to get through the pain because he’s ended it again. It seems there’s a pattern about every 2 to 3 months he cannot deal with the guilt, the affair is morally wrong and he’s trying to get right with God, he has to think about his supposed health issues, his wife is making more of an effort so he needs to respect the effort, blah blah blah all of which requires him to end things with me. Oh don’t forget the wedge the affair has driven between him and his wife. I have to agree with J and yes im mad at how he treats me and the excuses he uses. I just don’t understand why he keeps playing the game…guess using me to satisfy his void. I don’t know and really tired of trying to figure it out. I just let my emotions get the best of me and fell in love with idea of being in except I chose someone who doesn’t even show me love. Yeah, I need to figure things out and work on me. I am hopeful to take one day at a time and try to refocus my thoughts on other things that will help me find me agsin. Regardless if I end things, work on my marriage. I have to do dome real soul searching. Thanks for listening! I will keepyou posted. Happy new year! I hope things truly work out for you!

        • Lois

          Well, it has been a struggle today. It’s funny (not really) how I had good intentions of NC but did not seem to work that way. It’s my own fault which is why I am so freaking aggravated at myself. I had all of this negative energy that was going to help me break-free until I see him and my heart starts pounding and my mind starts wandering. It really is not his fault because I am the one who cannot seem to leave him alone. We briefly spoke earlier today. A few hours later, I sent him a chat asking how he was doing…he replied, I am okay I think. We chatted back and forth about general stuff; how was your break. etc. For whatever reason, I tell him that I may have missed him a wee little bit…he replies with a winking emoji. Then, I start wondering what he meant by the winking emoji. I know, “what is wrong with me”? The sad part about all of this is that I let myself have feelings for him and not sure those feelings are reciprocated. Do you think I should be honest with him about how miserable my break was because of our situation? How I know and understand that we need to end things because I am tired of worrying and wondering? Should i just suppress these feelings and start NC? I am not thinking logically and really confused.

          • J

            Lois,
            No, I do not think you should tell him how miserable your break was. I wouldn’t tell him anything at all. I wouldn’t do anything or say anything pertaining to your relationship. He has become accustomed to you pursuing him through initiating contact and saying you miss him. He thinks you’ll always be there if he wants you and therefore doesn’t have to do one thing to keep you around. If he wants you in his life, let him put you there, don’t force yourself in. Just my advice. I think he’s taking advantage of knowing how you feel about him. He can walk around with his bible and act like he’s trying to be godly, have sex with you when he feels like it, go back to his trying to make his marriage work and ignore you. It’s ridiculous. If he really wanted to work on his marriage he wouldn’t be having sex with you. I would be professional in work, and act normal. I don’t think you want nc, try keeping contact friendly but not romantic or sexual or flirty. See if he starts it up if you don’t. Try resisting him if he starts it up and see how he reacts. I wish I could follow my own advice, but I am doing much better. I think. Good luck

          • Felk

            Hi Lois, I know the funny/but-not-really stuff. We have to laugh or else we’d be crying. Actually, I laughed the other day while I was crying about my MM. First, try not to be mad at yourself for going back on what you said you’d do. If NC is unrealistic, maybe it’s time to be honest about that? I have never said I’d try NC, because I know I can’t do it (at least not yet). So, I try to find something that works for me. I don’t think it’s pathetic to not be able to make NC work. Maybe I tell myself that to feel better, but you and I work with our MM. NC isn’t really an option for us. Second, I know how we can obsess about what every little thing means. I’ve spent way too much time decoding my MM’s last e-mail to me. What does the wink emoji mean? I think it means he’s trying to stay friendly without being too friendly. He’s trying to be kind to your admission of missing him without admitting he missed you. He missed you, but he doesn’t want to say it (for a number of hard reasons). Third, should you be honest with him? It depends on your motivations. If you want to have this honest heart-to-heart with him because you’re hoping it will get him to reveal how much he feels for you and how he doesn’t want this to end, then you’re setting yourself up for a lot of pain. If you want this honest talk because you just want time with him and you want to know he cares enough to have this talk with you, you’re setting yourself up for pain. If you want to have this honest talk with him because you need that for closure and you think it’s fair/kind to tell him this before you cut things off, then, sure, do it. I’ve had the honest heart-to-hearts, but they are mainly with the goal of getting him to admit he still wants to be with me. And he usually does admit that, but then he says he can’t and that it’s too hard and it hurts all over again. I say that you should have the honest talk with him only if you really are ready to end it because he may not say what you want and it can really hurt if you don’t hear what you want to hear. Only when you’re ready to end it will you be ready to hear anything he has to say. I think it’s really good and strong to have the honest talk without fear of the relationship ending. I want to get to that point. I’m not there yet, but I can tell I’m getting closer. If you still want him, don’t tell him it’s over if you don’t mean it. Just keep trying not to have much contact with him. Today, I had a lot of thoughts about how I need to let him go. How he’s struggling too much and it’s causing him too much pain, and we can’t have anything good while he’s still struggling. He needs to work on his own stuff, and, then, if he wants to come back to us, it will be better because he’ll have had the time to work on his own things the way he’s wanted to. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to let go as easily as I say, but today I felt good about recognizing that he needs space. That I don’t want him while he’s suffering about it all. We were good for many years, but this past year was rough as he agonized about the decision to leave his family. And, of course, he sided with his family (and that’s fine with me), but being with him while he agonized over this was miserable for me. There were so many ups and downs, and I felt bad way too often. So, as best I can (and it won’t be easy), I’m going to keep trying to respect his space (while we maintain a friendship) and not try to push a relationship. I am in love with him. But I’m going to try to push that aside, be happy we had that time, and just hope that eventually we get back to that (without waiting around for him to decide). No more waiting. Of course I know it won’t be easy, but it’s felt easier over these weeks, and it felt easier today thinking about how I need to give him this space. He’s in love with me. He told me weeks ago. I have what I need. What he needs is time to sort it all out.
            What led me to all of that today was talking to a friend about his recent divorce. He has a 12-year-old son, and their family is devastated after he left his wife. He wasn’t having an affair and he didn’t leave for another woman, but now he’s in another relationship and his ex-wife is miserable and his kid is angry (and my friend is constantly stressed). I thought about how my ex-MM is trying to avoid this exact situation. He made the hard choice to leave a relationship while he was still in love (oh, my goodness were we still in love), and he did this so he doesn’t devastate his children’s lives. He and I had been together for five years, and he got to the point where he was considering leaving his family. He was resenting having to leave me to pick up his kids. His wife was questioning him about what was wrong and she was getting suspicious. He was feeling awful about what he was doing to his wife and kids. He was feeling awful about leaving me. Something had to give, and I respect him for choosing his family. It hurts, but that’s the right choice. If things were that bad for him (they weren’t that bad for me), then how could I ask him to continue with me? So, today, I take comfort in trying to let go because it’s the best thing for both of us right now. Who knows how I’ll feel tomorrow, but maybe this helps you a little bit.

          • Lois

            J and Felk, thank you so much for your advice and support. I thought about texting him last night but did not. My stubbornness kicked in and refused to give him the self-satisfaction especially if he chose not to respond. Today, he has been busy with stuff at work. He has tried to make small talk the few times that I have seen him; but did not really engage in a conversation. I think he does assume that I will always be there for him and takes advantage of my feelings. The few times that I have gone several days of NC has driven him nuts. So, I am curious how he would react to me keeping it strictly business. Do not get me wrong, I do not want to play mind games like he does. Since my feelings seem to be under control today why not take advantage of it and see what happens when I am more businesslike. I do not have anything to lose; the worse that can happen is that it stays like that and finally be free of the heartache. Felk, you are right we do have to laugh to keep from crying and some times we cry too. I really appreciate your take on things because you are able to put things in a different perspective that makes sense. You are right and I am not ready to end things and be done, done and until then I need to figure out what works best for me. I am not ready to have that heart-to-heart conversation but as you said that time will come. I have respected that he needs space and tried to give it to him. Yes, I weakened and told him that I missed him. However, he was the one who turned the conversation into something sexual that lead us to having sex. He probably did have guilt over the holidays and maybe he is second guessing why he weakened because I did as well which is common in our complicated situation. It is difficult at times living two separate lives and would hope he would chose his family over our affair because he knows that I am not leaving my spouse, so why would he chose me over his kids. If he is any type of dad, his kids should come first because my kids will always be my priority which is why there is a wedge between my husband and I. So far now, I am going to figure out the best way possible to handle the situation and take advantage of my feelings being where they are and keep things businesslike…I will keep you updated. Felk, thank you so much for your insightful perspectives and support. I am so grateful for this forum!

          • Felk

            Hi Lois, Nothing wrong with stubbornness, but I’d call it strength. You resisted the urge to text him. And I completely know what you mean about not wanting to play games. As best I can, I’m trying to make choices that are not game-playing just to try to get him to show me some attention or affection. Not only is that mean to him, but it doesn’t always work and then we just hurt more. Like you said, if your feelings were under control today, take advantage of it! I have felt that way at work. I have felt the days where I feel more under control, and, oh, do I like those days. Where I just walk down the hallway not caring at all if I run into him.
            What I’m feeling is most important is honesty. I want to stop acting out of fear (that he will leave), and start being truer to myself. It doesn’t mean ignoring him (unless that’s what I need). It means still trying to be friends (if that’s possible). It means not waiting around for him to decide if he wants to be with me. And it means not being scared to tell him how I feel about me, us, and all of it. I’m not there yet, but I really am feeling stronger lately. The only way I move on is if I stop worrying so much about what he’s thinking and feeling. It’ll be a slow, hard path, but I’m going to try to stick to it. (Now, let’s hope I don’t crumble when I see him Monday.)

          • Nomad

            Hi Felk, let’s hope for the best that you are mindful and can hold it. Take deep breath and this too shall pass. I feel you vicariously about your worry to crumble after NC for so long and just when you feel readily stronger. I know your mind has been rational and understanding and you take comfort in engaging yourself in all positive light and protecting the both of you despite the seemingly insurmountable difficulties to deal with the reality and situation now. After reading about you, I learnt to be honest and here I am, sharing with all of you here that if he unblocks me and contacts me the next time, if there’s another chance, I’ll take it. For the past 7mths, I still couldn’t let go, I still want and desire him but I tried so hard to bury these feelings thinking that I’m making progress. I realize that I’m hopeless in trying to leave, even after two overseas trips in dec thinking by Jan, I’m done. I’ve empowered him to come and go, we will be done unless he executes the breaking up and gives me no hope. I’m still here waiting and hoping after he starts sleeping with his wife, seeing how lively, humorous and “flirtatious” with other female colleagues. I’m still here after hearing about his guilt and fear and sins to be with me, feeling awful as a husband and father and a man, and I’ve become the third wheel as in the guilt has fueled him to make up to his wife and kids e.g. he has become more patient and understanding towards his wife, he hugs and tell his kids that he loves them, he’s making effort to speak the love language that his wife does, for the first time, he wanted to take leave to celebrate her birthday and brought her to posh restaurant to celebrate his and he making more effort to offload her and Be home more often. There’s no way he could go against his guilt to meet me after work or even want to “waste” time texting me to and fro. As I am typing, I feel pathetic and these are the heartbreaking truth why I should have enough and no reason to hold on anymore. But I just said I would go back if he returns, didn’t I? Just the few paragraphs above I just said so! It’s no longer about me giving us another try, now, he’s hoping to feel less guilty towards me by seeing that I can function just as well as 19months ago.

            Deep breath… let’s celebrate another day of NC. Thank mm for not contacting me…I can’t do anything else about him and this relationship. I can only wait despite I know I should stop waiting and wasting and hopefully one day miracle will happen that I’ll wake up one day without feeling the tension and the pain in my heart…

        • Hidden

          Hey Lois,
          amongst all the stories, i relate to you best. Though mine doesn’t give me this crap about feeling guilty blaa blaa blaa. Anyway, long story short, he dumped me a day before he went on a family holiday and stated it clear that we can no longer carry on what we had. That was on the 17th of Dec. We were on NC till Xmas eve, he sent a greeting text over. Which I stupidly replied with a simple blessed xmas. 2 days later, I couldn’t fight the urge and texted him again, asking him how he was. He replied “to be honest about it, I am not doing good”, and afterwhich, asked how I was getting along. To which, I again, stupidly wore my feelings on my sleeves and told him that everyday was a struggle for me. That very night, I drunk texted him, wanting to ask him how he could have just walk away and not look back. Thank god, I woke up to my senses and deleted the text before he could read it. The very next day morning, he messaged and asked about the text that I deleted. I didn’t reply. He followed with another text telling me he miss me, but we cannot continue like in the past. That totally messed me up, and was kind of the aha moment for me that this guy was just a mind f**ker! So I replied that night, that it was very clear the first time he said it. There wasn’t a need to repeat. Why the heck would someone decent enough want to break another person’s heart twice? Anyway, fast forward to New year, again the greeting came. But this time round I ignored it. Yesterday was the first day of work, and I had a morning meeting with him. When I stepped into the room, my hands were shivering. I couldn’t bear to look at him in the eye. Every part of me was dying and screaming in pain. But I survived. I walked out of the meeting room feeling stronger (though I don’t deny my day was messed up after that). And guess what! The man I thought loved me, the one who said he will always love me even when he was breaking up with me, was happily talking about his family holiday with a co-worker before I arrived! Heck! This morning, I came into the office with a belated xmas gift on my desk from him. I am intending to throw it back at his desk. Call me vengeful, or spiteful, I don’t care. I am more important than him now! Anything that will make me feel better! So yes! I’m out of this shit! It’s tough having to see him in office. But no, I’m not going to act like I’m all pally with him. A friend will definitely not hurt me the way he did. So no. No hellos at the walkway. No byes at the drive ways. Just purely another passerby! I’m really praying that you can get out of this too!! By the way, I sent you an email previously, that was at my lowest point. I’m surprise how far I came along!

          • Lois

            Hey, Hidden. I would like to apologize for not responding to your email…it must have gone to my spam account. I am getting ready to leave for my kids’ basketball game but will check later and let you know. I am so sorry for not being there when you needed someone because I know all too well how it feels and it sucks! Did he give others in the office Christmas gifts? If not, I will definitely give him the gift back because it sounds like my MM and cannot make up his mind what he wants. The MM in my life does not initiate conversations; it is always me. Recently, he did send me a text and told him that I could not believe it because he never initiates anything. It is quite difficult to break free of the addiction and that is exactly what it is an addiction. It makes it even worse when you work with them because it is almost impossible to do NC…although, I have managed for about 7 days which was my longest. So, I guess it is possible just difficult. I wish you the best of luck. I will check my email later tonight; again I apologize. Thanks

  • Nomad2018

    Dear Felk,
    Like you, I do not think that my MM is a bad guy. Since day one, he didn’t promise me anything but hope to last with me for 10 yearr; and we will not divorce. His kids are his world and I couldn’t fault him (he tends to emphasise his kids only) but he actually hopes to get the best of both worlds (I am his fantasy world). We were strongly attracted to each other last May and fell madly in love. All the highest (no one else mattered) and lowest (right now, Guilt, Fear and Conscience are growing so much that it’s a sin to even whatsapp me, he became paranoid of being exposed), I think we have gone through alot all in the 19 months. I have always been jealous of his wife, hated the waiting, insomnia, anxiety, heartache, soul-crushing feeling, needless to name all these because everyone here must have experienced the same. Lately, someone told me I am actually my own worst enemy, fighing against a losing battle and ruining myself. It is so obvious I must let go and move on yet I just keep ruminating and ruining my life.

    May 2016 – May 2017 – there were ups and downs but he was still madly (irrationally) in love with me so he had been patient in pacifying me and returning (each time he would MIA to manage his guilt, let the guilt subsided and he would manage to find his ways back despite me blocking him on my mobile. He would appear at my office desk, ring my office desk, email me or leave me voicemail). Because we are still “together” after all these emotionallly roller coaster times, after torturing each other until we are both mentally and physically drained, it made me believed that this love was real and deep. I think I am wrong. I think it is simple because he is greedy and selfish and couldn’t let go of how I could fill his void. I keep thinking that once his wife stops being repulsive to him, he will dump me so meanwhile just check in on me and lead me on. He said they were no sparks with his wife. They stopped having sex since we started. They are just living under one roof in a mundane way and parents to two young girls. Yes nothing new to what most MM would tell the other woman. I am married with older kids and my spouse is a wonderful and doting husband so much so that I think i don’t deserve him. It is hard to explain why I have cheated. I think i am addicted to the feeling of falling in love and enjoying sex with mm. He is sensitive and sexual; he sweet talks (when he feels like it); in short, he is the opposite of my spouse. He is a better lover while my spouse is a great husband.
    Jun 20017 – I started harsh NC, countless cycles but failed each time. I would block him everywhere i could. Over time, this has “backfired” as in he becomes numb to the NC drama, he was able to resume his life before me focusing on his work and family and occasionally check if I have unblocked or I have weakened. Initially he couldn’t function and he started to drink and loose sleep then he bounced back but until today, he would still miss me but lesser and lesser he told me. Our NC became more frequent after getting back for 1-2 days, and the duration apart stretched longer with each cycle. I used to feel like dying when I NC for 1-2 days, then 3-4 days then by Nov, the record was NC for 29 days. He came to my desk on 29 Nov and was worried that I stopped missing him. I was furious because my effort of the hardest attempt to uphold the NC was destroyed.

    It has been 7 months since the flip flops and i know in my heart, I have lost him. For some reasons, he is hanging on but seems to be trying his luck to be friends with me however I told him we can never be. NC works better for me but he suggested give each other space say 3 months, and after 3 months, we would have come to a natural death so he prefers a less abrupt approach. I told him it doesn’t work for me. Each time we NC, I suffered hell lot. During the initial months, i cried over the loss, I missed him so much and I couldn’t function at all. I lived like a zombie. Past few days I cried for myself, it is a different type of crying, I cried because i feel that I was pathetic. Here’s why…

    In Dec, I went away for 1st trip of 10 days, he would email me, left me voicemails because he was blocked by me. I deliberately missed his birthday to be overseas and that has saddened him. After I was back, I caved in because I missed him a lot and I had been suppressing my emotions for long. Then I went away on a second trip for another 10 days. This time, he was obedient as in i told him before my 2nd trip to NOT send me emails, voicemails etc because I needed the space. Honestly, I still want him and us, and if only i can relax a bit, maybe we can last long. Honestly, I am afraid to be dumped/abandoned and that he would stop feelng for me after dec; I am always fearful of him rekindle with his wife and forsake me. I thought I must run away fast before all that happen. He was jealous about my trips and asked if I have slept with my spouse. Howver, he was never pushing to invade into my privacy (he does respect if I don’t wish to share and he is never the one who initaite to ask about my family and my spouse; even when I asked, he would prefer not to say much becauase it would trigger his guilt and the truth might upset me further, he always say telling me the truth always work against him). He rather not know but I am always curious about him and his wife. He knows I am insecure, possessive and irrational and causing me more miseries becaause i will never win over his legal wife at home in all aspect. I told him before I am envious of his female friends and colleagues because he is so lively, humous and witty with them, can easily meet them for lunch and after work but when it comes to me, he said it is getting difficult to talk to meor text me or meet me due to guilt and fear and I am different from other female friends/colleague. Fact is, he is comforatble to remain in a sexless marriage and a wife who treats him poorly so he said…no communication, always sounded frrustrated and agitated, refused to take photos with him unless with the kids, somehow I don’t believe. He would do anyting to keep the family intact and complete sos that his kids can grow up in a healthy and loving environment.

    After i returned from my 2nd trip, l felt that I was recharged and refreshed, more ready to move on. But the moment i reached office, many things triggered my emtoions and memories! I couldn;t function again. I heard he came to office to meet a female colleauge over some events but he didn’t come to see me! He seems to become closer with her and they have been texting each other and I had to pretend to her that he’s a acquaintenance to me. At that very moment, I lost myself and called him to ask him why. I told him i had to see him. He came reluctantly and told me he didn’t like to be commanded. We had a 2 hour coffee whereby he told me a few things that were enough to kill all my hopes and I think i was shattered.

    He said he is now more sensible and it is good to end before it is too late, before we hurt the other innocent people. He knows he had to focus on his career and strive hard towards promotion next year so he would be busy at work and home (his way of saying he has no time for affair). He assured me there is no other woman and I had the best of him as a lover. He told me I am draining him unfortunately and he didn;t know how to please and pacify me, just too draining. When we were apart, he would miss me but when he reached out to me, he would start to anticipate the drama I am going to stir and get turn off, back off to avoid dealing with me. he said its damaging him psychologically when he’s being blocked by me.He felt stressed and pressured because I am expecting too much from him, so much so that he didn;t feel like telling me he missed me or loved me because he didnt want to lie or say things that i want to hear. He wanted to say things he meant but those words never came…Usually i would ask if he miss me or love me and he didn’t like it because those times he would be put on a spot whether to “lie” or not. It could be that he felt the love and wanted to say it naturally instead of being asked but I tend to think that he couldn’t say it because he didn’t want to lie to me that he loves me (truth is it is an addiction and not love). Yes, i am negative and that could be the main reason why I pushed him away. He said my stunts and drama has prep him well to end our affair. He knows how to find his innerpeace (that is to remove me) and focus on his priorities (which I am not). He still fantasized about me but he has phobia dealing with the aftermath and he didn’t to make things harder for me to endure. Hence he stopped calling me baby, flirting with me and didn’t suggest sex becuase he didn’t want me to feel used. He admitted he actually couldn’t handle an affair well and that the guilt is way too excruciating to bear and it is as if a time bomb waiting to explode. He’s apologetic that he’s hurting me due to his own issues and causing him to MIA and re-appear over the 7 months but deep down i know, feelings are fading…. he just missed the high and good times we have had but refused to admit that we couldn’t return to that stage after all that we have gone through.

    It is really bleak and hopeless to get back no matter how. Isn’t this what I wanted and should thank him that we have finally reached this stage of near resolve? He is dumping me but too kind to spell it out.

    That night, I text him “Baby, i love you and i will understand” “Goodnight baby”… I waited… his reply was “good night”
    I replied “say good night baby”…I waited… his reply was “nightz bb”

    Then, i started crying… crying for myself because this time I felt pathetic that i had to command him to see me, ask him if he loves me or misses me still, asked if he could kiss me, tell him to say “good night baby”. I didn’t cry because I lost him… I know i cried because i felt so pathetic and sad for myself throwing my self respect and self esteem away. I got what i wanted that day i.e. saw him in the day, told him I love him and missed him very much, before we parted I asked for a kiss, told him to say to me “good night baby”, all he obliged becauseI asked. I cried because I had to ask. I blocked him that very night.

    The next morning, he must have realised he was being blocked and left me a voice mail “What’s happening, pleaes call me and I need to talk to you ok? love you (was faint but sounded like it)” Deep breath… how should I be feeling? thrilled to hear from him or drained to hear that he cared? it is exactly such unsynchronously timed actions between us that drained us. When I am back, he would retreat and when I decide to let go and quit the addiction, he would throw me some crumbs, all these drive me crazy.. later in the afternoon, he sent me pictures of his lunch via Facebook messenger (i realised I didn’t block him there but I have unfriended him on facebook many months ago). I ignored but could feel that I am tempted to run back to him before he cooled off. This morning, he sent me “mu” via Facebook messenger (means, miss you) and then nothing else throughout the day, it is very typical of him to MIA on weekends. I tried harder to ignore and went out on a dinner date with spouse to distract myself.

    I really didn’t want to waste anymore emotions and time and let him into my life starting from the new year.

    • Felk

      Nomad2018, you have a lot of honesty here. You talk through the ups and downs pretty clearly, and it seems you’ve tried a few times to end this affair and have NC. Your MM isn’t making it easy for you, too. He says that he can’t deal with your drama, but then he’s texting you the next morning saying he wants you to call him and that he needs to talk to you? Sending you a FB message saying he missed you?
      Wow, is that hard. I desperately want to hear that my MM misses me, but the back-and-forth with your MM is sending you a lot of mixed messages and that would be really hard for me to deal with. Although it’s hard with my MM mostly not contacting me over these holidays, it’s definitely better for me that he’s consistent and not sending mixed messages. My advice is definitely to ignore him if you’re really serious of ending the affair. If you don’t feel you can do that yet, my next advice is to have an honest conversation with him about his mixed messages. It’s scary, but it will cause you less pain in the long run to be up front with him about his mixed messages and to ask him what he wants moving forward. How you can’t have him telling you that you’re too draining and how he wants to focus on work/home and then the next day calling you and leaving messages about needing to talk to you. And it’s possible that he’ll say that he just needs to cut off contact and I know it’s scary, but it will be much better than this roller coaster that you’re dealing with right now. It seems like you’re both trying to do NC but it’s not working. Maybe you need to have some direct conversations? I don’t know. For me, I know talking it out is what feels better, but I know sometimes that also prolongs the feelings and makes us want more. Just keep trying to do what’s best for you.
      I know the crying about feeling pathetic. That happened to me earlier this week. I’ve cried about missing him, but this past week, it was tears about feeling pathetic that I was still asking for more than he could (or would) give. That I was still waiting for him and still hoping he’d give me some signs that he missed and wanted me. And he did (a little), but it was so little that it felt pathetic and reminded me of how I’m still waiting and I need to stop. I think we need to feel pathetic sometimes. It’s a kick in the butt about respecting ourselves more and not putting up with bad behavior. And I don’t mean that these men are intentionally treating us badly. I mean that they are doing what they need to do for themselves, and we need to do the same. I don’t know what that means for your situation, but do whatever you need to do for yourself and, as best you can, stop filtering that through what he would think about it or how it would affect him or how it might affect your chances at a relationship with him. I say this knowing that’s what I do. I still spend too much time worrying about how my decisions will affect our chances at a relationship. I need to do what’s honest and what’s best for me, and then let the chips fall where they may. Not doing anything mean or callous, but letting the relationship survive if it’s strong enough to survive after I take care of myself.

  • J

    Hello, I had a long talk with my mm. I had previously told him a few days ago that I want him to work on his marriage, but it’s this strange limbo because we are still talking non stop and texting all day. Well the other night he suspiciously had to go to bed and I asked, which I shouldn’t have but I did, if he was going to try sex again. He just kept being kind of aloof and saying he wasn’t sure. Then said we shouldn’t discuss this. Funny how the night before he was fine with sexting me until the middle of the night while his old wife (his words) was asleep. Anyway the next morning he again said we shouldn’t discuss these things. I never brought it up again. So last night we were talking as usual about other normal topics. He brings up that he thought of me all night and then says he shouldn’t tell me this but of course tells me anyway. I didn’t ask, he brought it up even though supposedly he didn’t want to talk about it. Announces to me that yes he did attempt sex with the wife but feels I’ve completely ruined him because he could only get an e for a few mins with the help but then immediately lost his e and couldn’t recover it. He claims it’s all because of me because “his wife is nowhere near as sexy as me” and tells me that there’s absolutely no comparison and as long as I’m in his head he can not get excited about her because all he thinks of is me. But he wants to keep working on being with her and hopes he can forget me. Then he wanted to know if I slept with my husband. Funny how he suddenly wants to talk about it. I tell him yes and he says he can’t hear the details because it’s too much for him to think about. Then says he’s happy for me that my marriage is moving in the right direction and he’s not there yet but hopes he can be at some point. I then tell him I believe that’s a ridiculous thing to say and it’s not even natural because clearly we’re in love with each other. I then told him the choice is no longer his and that I made a decision that I’ll attempt friendship with him but that I no longer want to have a intimate relationship with him again. I told him he’s treated me poorly and I’m no longer putting myself in this awful position anymore. He swears that he knows and is sorry but that he did those things to push me away so I’d reject him because he couldn’t resist me on his own because he loves me so much. Told me how he respects and loves me so much and wants me on his life because I mean so much to him. Told me loves me over and over and how important I am to him. I really don’t know if I can be friends with him because I’ll admit the truth to you ladies, it kills me thinking of him working on his marriage. I wouldn’t tell him this. I want his marriage attempt to fail. I’ll sorry but I love the guy deeply and I can’t stand thinking of him with her. But I really want to set him free and see if the old saying is true. Set it free and if comes back to you it was yours. I want him to come back on his own. Ladies, please tell me, is what he said normal? Why did he suddenly just have to tell me about his sex attempt that didn’t work when he previously said we shouldn’t discuss it? Is it all a manipulation? Why tell me that he can’t get excited about her because I’m in his head? But then say he’s happy my marriage is going in the right direction? It feels mixed to me, maybe he’s just so confused. I noticed that as soon as I told him that I made a choice and I no longer want a romantic relationship he suddenly told me he loved me like 5 times and also started calling me his pet names like baby and darling and my love. Is it normal to tell me about this failed sex with his wife? I don’t even know what’s normal anymore. Please any advice or thoughts! As usual he’s got my head spinning. Please help!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Felk

      Hi J, Your honesty is great. The only way we get through this is if we’re honest with ourselves about what we want. That you want his attempt with his wife to fail is just an honesty that’s hard to admit to others, but of course you do. You’re in love, and you want him to love you only. I also want my MM to realize that his marriage can’t go back to the way it was (which means I’m rooting for it to not go back to the way it was). But it can’t go back to the way it was. Their attempts will fail. However, that doesn’t mean they’ll leave their spouses. And I never wanted my MM to leave his spouse.
      I think your MM is going through the typical confusion that we all go through in an affair. We want to wish the best for the other person because we care about them (he is happy if you’re happy that your marriage is getting back on track), but we really don’t. How many times did my MM express sadness when I told him my marriage was being affected by our affair? Was he really sad or is that what he thinks he’s supposed to say? I never lied about that to him, though. When he’d say his marriage was being hurt by us, I never said that I was sorry or “Oh, that’s too bad.” I just acknowledged it as a truth of what an affair does to a marriage, and I felt happy that he was shifting his attention to me. I think your MM is talking about his sex attempts because he’s confused about it and he wants to hear reassurance from you that yours isn’t working, too. He says he doesn’t want to talk about it, but of course he really does. Curiosity and jealousy get the best of us. So, yes, it seems pretty normal. But it does also seems manipulative (which is normal, too). He says he doesn’t want to talk about it and then he does. He needs to pick one way or the other. And it’s good you’re being more direct about that with him.
      Of course, I would give you the advice to be done with him and let him come back to you if he wants. I want to do the same with my MM. But you two are texting all day and you’re just going to quit? That’s impressive if you can do it, especially while you still have so much contact. But, if you can do it, that would be great. Only thing, if you give him an ultimatum or you say you’re not going to put yourself in this position with him anymore, stick to it. Don’t say it if you’re not going to do it or else it really puts him in a position to take advantage of you.

  • Lara

    Hello Felk Believe me, you will get there if you want to! But only if you truly want to get out and stay out. I have been working hard for a long time at this. My longest No Contact (phone text email etc) was 5 years! No contact! Iwnet on with my life and things were GOOD! I went to graduate school in my chosen field and I used another support blog like this one for support to get out of the affair. After graduate school what did I do? I stupidly started up right with him again!

    It is so easy for me to do this…he is right next door and I have always been intensely attracted to him. And I have always loved him. And he has always known this. So this equals the dreaded “dead in the water” state of affairs for me, the mistress. In other words, he ain’t leaving his wife ever because he has me already (had me). I will talk more another time about strategies I use to detach from him but really it is a very slow and painful internal process for each of us I think. It does not matter the advice given. The one who hears the message must be ready. Only another person in the situation (male or female) knows the agony we go through trying to end an affair.

    What I DO want to say here and now is that before he arrived at my door before Christmas with the bottle, he and I had spoken on the phone. He had to excuse himself because he got an e. I asked him about it but he tried to hide it from me. Last time he was in my house (a long while back) we were trying to do a puzzle together and the same thing happened. He got an e and then he fled from the house. (Again trying to hide it from me) He is in total denial about us breaking up. And I would bet that this also happened during our “hug” before Xmas day but my hands stayed upwards on his hair (purposefully) and I broke the hug quickly.

    What I am trying to say is that friendship with this guy is IMPOSSIBLE. We will never EVER get past sex EVER. I have known him years and years on again off again blah blah but our affair was first of all intimate and so that aspect will never EVER go away no matter what either one of us tell ourselves. Telephone talks turn sexual, meetings and discussions turn intimate, I walk by his restaurant and see him and I feel sexual, etc etc. I really think there is a brain chemical addictive aspect to this. (You can read about this on-line) For me and this man, platonic friendship is simply impossible! And I never felt this way about any other man. So I don’t even try to fool myself about this anymore. If I see him, I long for him, I want him, It is automatic. And he me. I am ready to get back into bed with him. Simple as that. Even after 5 ears absence we went back to Square One. That’s just the way it is. I accept this and I grieve not having this. But I am looking for alternative pleasures that hurt me less! And I have found several! I really truly have! And it does not involve a male or sex LOL

    Just know: I quit drinking 17 1/2 years ago (with help) and so I do know the process involved in quitting an addiction. I know how it feels. And I know how I came out so much far better on the other side even though it hurt like hell at times. But it took time. Over a year in fact before I started not wanting a drink. They say love and sex addictions are some of the hardest addictions of all to break! Many affairs fall into addictive behaviors and processes and the dopamine centers in our brain love it and then crave it. And we can not stop.
    Sex addiction equals crack/cocaine I have read. SO PLEASE BE FORWARNED LADIES : This is no joke getting out of these situations. We all need to prepare ourselves well in advance to be successful Much Love and Peace to you All!! Lara

    • Felk

      Hi Lara, I know that a person has to be ready to be done before he/she can even start making progress towards that, and then it’s still hard. I’m not ready to be done, but I do feel closer to that. It is complicated, of course, by our desire to stay friends. And I am in no denial about the sexual desire and all that you say about it. It may be impossible for us to be friends without that desire, and maybe I’m okay with that. I have to test it out to know. I know there will be pain involved in that, but for now I think it’s worth it to try. I am married and he is married, and neither one of us is asking the other to leave their marriage. Without those expectations, I think it’s easier. Not easy. But easier.
      It’s funny the things you say about your ex-MM getting an en at times you’d be talking and he’d flee. I’d always suspected that, at times, when my MM and I were talking and he’d pull away (like physically move farther away from me), he was getting an e and he needed to distance himself! It’s funny because they can’t deny what their body is telling them, and then they flee to try to get control.
      As for the addiction, yes. It still feels like that to me. Even though the time and distance continue to help, there are times when he and I are close and all that dopamine is released again and then the next day my brain longs for it and I feel pretty bad (withdrawal). I’d imagine he feels the same, and that’s why we’re both struggling with all of this still. The honesty as I said above is that I don’t think either of us is done or ready to give up. I think we’re still holding on to what we were or hope for what might be. There are more honest conversations (and pain) in our future, I’m sure. But I’m going to keep being honest with myself and, most importantly, I’m going to be honest about why it ended and how I do not want to sit around and wait for him to decide to be with me. It’s over. It’s over for a reason. And if we can salvage a friendship, okay. If not, well, okay, too. (Ha! Did I convince anyone I’m okay with that? I’m trying to get to that point. That’s the goal.)

      • lara

        HI Felk, Please know I would never judge any one’s process on this board: yours or anyone else’s here! We are all in the same boat and we all have to find our way out of here, one way or another. But hearing each other’s voices is so helpful isn’t it? I am so glad I can come here and vent and listen learn etc. The companionship I feel here is so comforting in fact. I felt triggered today when I saw my ex MM’s cell number come up on my phone. I have blocked his calls and text of course but suddenly I panicked thinking my phone own was calling him somehow…Why was his number there? Who knows. IS he trying to send me another one of his many “telepathic” messages? Who the hell knows.

        These small flashes of memory and/or desire that happen randomly during the days weeks month and even years after a break up is what makes a successful break up so difficult I think. Like you said BOTH parties are in withdrawal and neither wants to back to dull and boring “reality”. And there are so many memories to deal with….so many big and small reminders!

        We used to be very open to each other about our desires etc but now since I have ended the relationship he is trying to hide it from me I guess. Maybe this so we can “still be friends”? I have no idea. Lies are on top of lies when it really comes down to it. An affair is not about love based on trust. How can it be? We have not had actual sex together in over a year.
        That part is true.

        I really think the lousy statistics for people leaving a marriage for an affair partner have mainly to do with this sense of mistrust that is always at the back of everyone’s mind in an affair and probably even afterwards when it is out in the open. Put that together with the fact that the person leaving the marriage never has a chance to grieve from the loss of the marriage and heal from it and VOILA…the second relationship (the affair that has now become an open and “legitimate” relationship) is often doomed. I tried to be as honest as possible in my relationship with the MM but how many lies did we each have to tell each other just to make the affair work? I pushed down my real feelings and needs again and again. I never trusted his version of what was going on in his home. I have always thought: ‘If it was so bad why didn’t anyone leave?’ (Being divorced I had to myself over and over) He never trusted me after I dated and slept with other men (even though he told me to do so) etc.etc. Lies on top of lies! Now lies and desire lies and denying feelings lies (He was always lying about or trying to minimize his feelings for me). So many lies…what was the main attraction I ask myself now? Was it really just sex I too was after? Who knows….

        We lie to ourselves as well sometimes. What I NEVER miss about my situation is all the lies and all the stupid games. I go soooo sick of that part. And I was also feeling horribly about his wife increasingly. At first I believed all his stories about her and how she had never really loved him and that sex was never passionate etc…etc…..But little by little I started to wonder what was HER side? What would SHE say about HIM? And what was the truth?? I had nightmare after nightmare about her and finally that is when I called for it to end. I had this horrible feeling that if I did not end it we could get caught and all hell would break lose. And I know he is never going to leave her. Why go thru all that kind of drama if he is going to stay with her anyhow?

        • Felk

          Lara, Your strength continues to inspire me. Yeah, hearing other’s voices on here is really helpful, and having a space to vent and talk about my situation is helpful. As we know, in an affair, we have few other people we can talk to. And, oh my goodness do I know you’re not judging my process. 🙂 Everyone here has been so supportive, even when giving tough love. Sometimes we need tough honesty. It helps to hear it like it is, instead of hearing what we want to hear. Right now, I’m trying to not ask to see him this week. I’m trying very hard to recognize that distance is what we continue to need and if he wants to see me, he can ask.
          I think you’re right about the trust issues in affairs. How can we ever fully trust someone who we know can so easily lie to someone they supposedly love and care about deeply (their spouse)? My MM didn’t lie to me a lot the way you describe with your MM, but my MM does lie a bit about his feelings. He lies to himself and to me. And he’s admitted that. Right now, I think he’s lying to himself about his marriage and how it can go back to the way it was if he quits us. But I can’t blame him for hoping he can fix his marriage. And I know I need to give him the space to try to do that. That’s the hardest part. In general, though, he’s pretty honest about it all. More honest than I am to him. I was plenty honest with him, but I held back my feelings at times, too. Especially when I knew the relationship was getting harder this past year and I got scared he was going to end our relationship, I really held back and that was probably a mistake, but I try not to beat myself up too much about it. Just doing the best I could with a hard situation as we all are.
          I think it’s also good to ask what we DON’T miss about the situation. We spend a lot of time missing the good things, but there were really tough things in the affair. (Granted, I’m still at the point where I miss more good things than not missing bad things.) And there’s the thing you say about getting caught. So often I’ve thought about how fortunate I am that I didn’t get caught and my husband and I still have a good relationship. If either one of us would have gotten caught, it would have been horrible. Much, much more horrible than the break up.

  • J

    Hello everyone,
    Thanks so much to the responses I had to my previous post. You’re all so right, he’s a very manipulative man. It’s so clear to me now how he’s been playing me like a fiddle. I’m sure he’s a narcissist, the way he love bombed me in the beginning. He was all over me, he knew everything about me and all of my vulnerabilities and played into them. I tried to push him away for months. In fact he tried years ago to continual talk to me in the gym but I wouldn’t give him the time of day at first. He chased and chased and pursued me. Learned about me asking me questions and paying such attention. He became every single thing I needed. Then after so long I gave in a little at a time and he knew he had me. I was the most important thing to him. I could call anytime and he’d come running no matter where he was. His wife didn’t matter, nothing mattered except me. If I was upset about something he’d spend hours trying to make me feel better. If I tried to break things off he’d cry and beg me not to. If I had any jealousy about the wife he’d fix it. He would cancel plans with her or go out any times I wanted him. Then once he knew I was so in love with him, he started changing. Little by little he changed and I’d detect little differences on him but he’d convince me I was wrong. He even claimed that he told his wife that he no longer loved her romantically and slept in the spare bedroom. Now I don’t even think that’s true anymore. He told me his wife begged him for another chance. Little by little he had adjusted our situation so it’s absolutely perfect for him but a hellish nightmare for me. Yes, hell and horror. The worst thing that ever happened to me. I made so many excuses because I loved him so much, we are best friends, we are soulmates, etc… it became so convenient for him, he could be working on his marriage spending time with her because of god speaking to him while having me on the side. Ending things with me but then always getting me back. I’d be so happy he wanted me back that I’d take less and less each time and lose my self respect. Up until recently accepting him telling me about giving his wife. Really! How demented is that?! But he’d always spin it, he told me god told him to work on his marriage so he had to, he couldn’t stay e with her because he’s not attracted to her, so he gave her pleasure. I accepted that! I accepted him telling me that he couldn’t maintain an e with her so she gave him o. Then he told me how being with her is nothing in comparison to being with me. I’m disgusted with myself for accepting these terrible horrible things. His constant cancelling of plans, his blowing me off, his pushing me away, his refusal to hug me, then wanting to have sex with me in his car when he wanted me, his extreme jealousy of my time with my husband but he can do whatever he wants. I’ve become nothing to him, a doormat that he can wipe his feet all over and it disgusts me. The relationship we had that was great and loving for a year is no longer. Now it’s this horrible nightmare. I’m ashamed of myself. I am a young, attractive, kind, professional woman. I could have any guy. My mm confused my head and manipulated the hell out of me so I’m not even seeing things clearly. He asked me numerous times to do something today but then had a meeting at his church to discuss marriage! Ha! Disgusting! Now he’s told me we can’t spend much time together because his wife deserves more. Funny thing is that I never even told him I would see him. He is a master manipulator and narcissist. I’ve tried ever angle with this guy. He always comes out on top and I’m left waiting for him to throw me some crumbs. I spend a lot of time with my husband this week and had a very good time. He wants to nurture me and take care of me and that’s what I need. I don’t want to me part of this hellish nightmare with my mm man anymore. He wants his wife, he can have her. I don’t want to compromise who I am anymore. I don’t want it to be his decision anymore or how he feels. What about how I feel and my decision?! Good luck every single lady on here, Lara, felk, Lois, nomad, hope, just to name a few. Let’s stand united and take our power back. It’s our decision, not theirs. How about we don’t want them anymore! I don’t want to be an option to my mm anymore, I was an opportunity and he just lost it!

    • Lara

      J you are making AMAZING progress ! Your growing strength and clarity really shows! Yes I loe it we as women have the right to “not want them!”. How did this become all about them anyhow? We gave up power to be accommodating and “flexible” with these guys because we fell hard for them. But we got run run over by a train too, and flattened. Now let’s get strong again!

      My New Year’s Resolution is to become more of a Bad Ass Female 🙂 Always wanted to be that was too afraid men would not like me etc. I think the opposite is true however: Good men love Bad Ass women! (By Bad Ass I mean tough/ strong/ outspoken/ not so gullible and weak.. In charge of our own destinies!…) Feel free to add to the list here ladies! Many hugs Lara

      • Felk

        Lara, I love what you say about giving up power to be accommodating and “flexible.” I did that (and, of course, it’s good to be accommodating in a relationship). But I thought I was being “flexible” because the situation was complicated. I thought I was being “flexible” because he had kids and it was harder for him to find time for us. And, at times, I was. But, at other times, I was just being weak and scared to stand up for what I needed. I was too worried that my demands (to be treated fairly and with respect) would make him leave and so I stifled my needs often. To be clear, he is a good guy. In all of this, I don’t want to make him out to be manipulative or cruel or any of those things. He’s selfish. But so am I. He wanted control. But so did I. But, I gave in more than he did and gave up power that made it easier for him to get his needs met at the expense of mine. Unfortunately, there are rarely great outcomes in affairs. So we can’t be surprised when our needs aren’t met.
        I’ve always been independent and opinionated and dominant (and selfish and controlling). I’ve rarely compromised my needs for men. (And, yes, men do like confident and strong women. Or, like you say, the men who are worth being with.) Out of fear of losing him, I eventually acted in ways that weren’t consistent with who I am so the break up was also good in the sense that I was losing me a bit. Not entirely, of course. But, the break up was a reminder that the relationship wasn’t working for either of us anymore. I’m not there yet, but I feel much stronger and much less likely to compromise out of fear. If he and I are to be friends, I need to be honest about what I need. Thanks for all your words and encouragement.

        • Lois

          Hey, Felk. I was reading your response and what you said about us accommodating their needs I’d so correct. I was the same way with MM. I have kids too but it was and still is about him. It was when it was convenient for him or when he was in the mood. For the past year and half, I kind of walked on egg shells and didn’t push my needs out of fear he would end things. I am very outspoken so like you said I wasn’t consistent with who I have always been. I’ve said before it is like all commen sense leaves me with him. Just like now, if a friend of mine would ignore my texts and refuse to communicate with me for days there would be no way on hell that we would still be friends. I’m sorry and understand he may need the space or wants to be with his family but dang it tell…don’t igore me. I wouldn’t treat him like that or maybe I should. He couldn’t handle no contact fir 6 days and he knew why because he ended things and I was struggling to not be weak. You know, the more I think about this…it really makes me mad. I have been struggling all day because I miss him and wanted him to respond. I even weakened and sent a funny picture about how coldit is outside and nothing…no response. I sent the same text to another friend who is also male and he responded with a funnier picture. I’m not having sex with him and he at least responded…it was a joke. Why do I continue to torment myself? What will it take for me to say enough is enough? I can see how some people on here would continue because their MM buy them things, go out to dinner, actually have romance in a private setting not a wham bam in an office (I’ve never even seen him naked)…that’s right in a year and a half, he doesn’t tell me his feelings, he doesn’t initiate anything, he doesn’t give me a compliments (maybe 3 or 4 times)…what in the hell am I thinking! Well thanks for letting me vent because I have been struggling and feel better. Thanks

          • Felk

            Lois, I’ve been thinking about some of the same things that you have – about how they go MIA without saying anything. In the past, I’d told my MM that I understood if he needed space if things were getting too hard or if he felt he was neglecting his family, but I asked him to tell me that’s what was happening. He rarely did. It always felt unfair for him to just disappear without a word. I told him (and we had good talks about it), but he didn’t change. It seemed like something I had to accept if I wanted our relationship. It seemed like something I had to accept as part of this complicated, messed up situation we put ourselves in. And there is some truth to that, but I let it go too far. I didn’t assert myself enough. As far as your MM not responding to the funny picture you sent, my guess is that he’s trying to create space for himself. My guess is that the affair is hard for him, too, and I think men have a tendency not to communicate to deal with difficult feelings whereas women tend to communicate to deal with difficult feelings. I’m not saying all men and women are like that, but these seem to be tendencies where men tuck it away when they’re in pain. When my MM didn’t respond to my e-mail for a week, it hurt. It felt unfair. It felt that, once again, he’s dictating the terms of our relationship. But, doesn’t he get to respond when it feels right for him? I know he’s hurting. He told me that two weeks ago. If I know he gets distant when he’s struggling, it makes even more sense that he would now that we’re broken up. So, that’s why it’s easier for your other friend to respond. It’s not that your other friend cares more than your MM. It’s that he cares less. When we care less about the implications of our text/e-mail, we send more freely. But, just because my MM is hurting and is creating space because he cares too much, it doesn’t mean he wants to get back together with me.
            That’s the problem with knowing he’s still in love. It makes me hope he wants us back together, but that’s not necessarily true. And I’m still struggling with that.
            For five years, though, I had the affair you’re describing… we went on dates, he said all of the lovely things to me (including “I love you”), he gave me gifts (not extravagant gifts, thoughtful gifts), we spent tons of time together at work and outside of work. We chatted for hours online many nights each week. I know he considered leaving his marriage. He considered it more than I did. And whether he realized he couldn’t leave his marriage or he thought I wouldn’t leave mine, he came to a breaking point. The problem is that we were both still in love when he broke. Sigh.

          • J

            Lois,
            Of course I don’t know your particulars, but your mm seems very selfish. And like a hypocritical liar walking around with his bible. I’ve noticed in previous posts of yours that it’s all about him and you never seeing him naked. And about it being about him and his not waiting for you to climax. Why bother?! It’s seems so one sided. I do believe my mm has manipulated me at times, but we’ve spent so much time together, going to dinners, lunches, museums, walks, parks, day trips, movies, shops, etc.. we have bought each other gifts. He tells me he loves me all of the time and he constantly tells me I’m gorgeous and beautiful and classy. It sounds like your man is a user. I’d be very mad if I were you. Then no response to your text. My mm has never ever gone MIA on me. He always responds, he always texts first thing every morning, all day, and good night. If I call, he answers. He even bought me a phone to call him. I’m sorry for how you’re feeling. You should tell him that you don’t want to be disrespected anymore, just like you would a friend. And if he doesn’t like it, it’s his loss. Good luck

    • Hope

      That is awesome J. You go girl!!!! I am so glad to know that you are on the right track!! You are a strong woman, don’t take this guy’s bs anymore. We are all here for you. Sending hugs to all you lovely ladies xx
      Hope.

  • Felk

    Hi Lois, My MM e-mailed me yesterday (in response to something I’d sent a week ago… yeah, he waited a week to reply when he usually replies the same day or the next day), and it’s weakened me a bit. I felt so strong yesterday after thinking about it all and not wanting to wait for him any longer. Then, I read his e-mail and I hear how casual he sounds, and I think all about how he must be getting over me and moving on (even though I know he’s still hurting a lot). But I read his e-mail and it just makes me miss him more. It makes me want more. And the problem is that I can’t have more. It seems the only way to stop wanting more is to stop contact, and I can’t bring myself to do that yet so I’m stuck on the rollercoaster still. It’s unfortunate, but I think I just have to ride this out for a while, continuing to talk to him here and there, continuing to think it all through, until I finally am done. I wish I could block all contact with him like Lara and others on here have been able to do. Obviously, working with him doesn’t help, but I could do more to end our relationship (or what’s left of it) and I’m not doing it. I still have difficulty imagining a life where he’s not in it. Sigh, that reminds me of when he said the same thing to me just over a year ago. Oh, how do I let him go? I’m trying to remind myself about how it took him a week to respond to my e-mail, and how he’s trying to send me a message with that. How I need to let him go if we’re ever to have a chance. Because, right now, it’s still not working for me.

    • Lois

      Hey, Felk. I am sorry you’re feeling this way but unfortunately I understand where you are and it sucks! I made the comment one time that even his smile would melt my heart. The last time I tried NC that’s all it took was a smile and he knew because I told him so. I know that I’m weak so NC means don’t lol at me, don’t talk to me, no contact! Do you think he replied to your email to see if you would respond? Does he normally make contact with you? Mine never maybe a handful of times in a year and half. The past two days, I have been horrible and thinking about him especially since he went MIA. They have to know what they are doing to us. Since we work with them. The situation is even more complicated. I have to say that if I had to do things over again. I would have never sent that text saying how much I missed him because all I did was set myself up for more sorrow and got right back on the emotional rollcoaster. I had finally made progress and it all went right out the window. I do want him but I cant deal with the on again off again. I get to a point and slide right back down. I understand you not being to a point of no contact but you’ve been doing. Honestly, I found it really bothers MM on my life because he told it was hard to judge my emotions because I was so distant. I told him that’s what he wanted to end things so I had to whatever it took to get past the pain to suppress my feelings. Honestly, I was convincing myself how big of a jerk he truly was for playing games with my emotions. I want you but can’t have…blah blah blah. This last time he told me that it was driving a wedge so I used that hurt and turned it to anger which is how I managed to continy the NC. I’m convinced by his silence that he will tell me next week that they had a wonderful Christmas but the guilt was unbearable so he needs to end things and truly focus on his marriage and church. Etc. I’ve been through it too many times. So, I have decided he’s right but it’s the emotional rollcoaster with him that is unbearable. I’m really upset that he went MIA because I let my guard down again and feeling used and manipulated. He may not care about my feelings but I do. I think each of us has our own unique way of dealing with things. Some have been abld to move on, some try being friends, some can endure NC…some do it all little bit of it all. We have to do what works best for us. I think, it’s true that we have to get to the point that we CANNOT do this any longer. Some of us may take longer to get to this point. The good news is we have each other and together we will get through it. I truly believe it has helped being able to be honest with all of you. Its so nice to know that it’s not just me that others feel the pain, happiness, etc being involved in a complicated situation and struggling to get through it. Hang in there.

      • Felk

        Hi Lois, Thankfully, it’s not too bad this time. Time and distance are really helping me heal. It was temporarily hard seeing his e-mail, but it’s felt quickly better. And, no, I don’t really think he sent the e-mail to see if I would respond. I think the e-mail response is his attempt to maintain our friendship (while getting some distance… and that’s why he didn’t respond for a week). I know my MM has always found these holiday breaks difficult and I suspect this break is the same where he’s trying to take distance from us to minimize his pain. I understand, and it’s actually helping me, too. It’s possible after the break he’ll say his feelings have changed (and he doesn’t want to be friends or he’s more committed to his marriage), but I don’t think that’s what will happen. I think, after the break, he’ll still be in love and I’ll still be in love and we’ll see each other at work and it will be hard. I’m just hoping that the break has given me some strength to not wait for him to come back to me, and to, as best we can, just be friends. I feel stronger now, but, like you say, who knows how I’ll feel when he smiles at me next I see him? Also, you know I take the philosophy that people have to do what works best for them. NC cold turkey works best for some (and it’s really good advice), but, for me, it’s not the right approach. It’s never been my style after break-ups, and I’m friends with many exes. I’d prefer to take some pain to get to a friendship than to have no friendship with him at all. Granted, this has been the hardest one, by far. Thanks for all your support, though. It helps a lot.

  • Nomad

    Hi Felk, I’m crying at this very moment because what has happened to you 3 months ago is happening to me now.

    He forsakes me to return to his family… my situation is very similar to yours except that I forced and failed many nc since 6mths ago and this time he has finally snapped and ready to end us…he hopes we could remain as friends (we are colleagues) but it’s impossible for me…

    Just when I thought I’m over him, I actually broke down when he’s leaving for real.

    • Lois

      Hey, nomad. My heart goes out to you because it’s a very sickening gut wrenching feeling. It sucks and mentally and physically exhausting. I wholeheartedly wish that I could take away the pain you and the rest of us endure so we could let go. In reading others post who have been able to move on, it seems like we have to hit rock bottom to get to a point that we can’t endure anymore. I am honestly not there or wouldn’t have weakened last week. I do feel that I get stronger each time. Just know we are all hear for you and understand your hurt.

    • Felk

      Hi Nomad, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this right now. I know all too well how painful it is in the weeks immediately after the break up. I am a happy person, and I was surprised by the depths of my sadness. It was excruciating. Like, lay on the couch and not want to do anything else but wallow in misery excruciating. Some days I felt I could not smile. Waking up each day was the worst. Sleep gave me such relief from thinking about it all, and then I would wake up and have to face reality all over again. And I was nauseated almost every day in the beginning. The withdrawal was emotional and physical. It was the oddest thing to me, but I know it was the withdrawal from the addiction to the affair. Knowing doesn’t make all of the pain go away, but I think it helps to know what you’re going through. It’s withdrawal from the “high,” and it takes time for the brain to heal from that. But, it does get better. It doesn’t get better suddenly, unfortunately. There are ups and downs in the healing process. But it will get better the less you have contact with him. Having any contact rewards the brain again and then it waits for more, and when it doesn’t get it you experience withdrawal all over again. The only way to get the brain out of that cycle is for time apart. I’m going through that now, and it’s working. But allow yourself to be sad. It’s normal. And, as best you can, try to shift your focus from your MM and try to distract yourself. I don’t mean to ignore your pain or be in denial about the break up. For me, what helped most was writing about it. I journaled at home and I wrote on here. I also read about affairs and healing online. I also used the Mend App on the iPhone. (I still use it and it helps me with advice for moving on and for being compassionate with myself about the healing process.) And if you’re still miserable after weeks, consider therapy. There is no shame in recognizing that losing someone we love can be crippling and we need help to overcome. For now, please just know what you’re going through is understandable when you lose someone who was a big part of your life. But, also know that the affair ended for a reason. Each affair has its own specific reasons for ending, but most affairs end because it is an impossible situation with no good resolution. We constantly want more and cannot have it. We try as best we can, but, ultimately, if one or both isn’t going to leave their marriage, then it becomes too hard. I still thought my affair was worth the struggle, but it really was a struggle. I didn’t want our relationship to end, but I am not in denial about how hard it was and how unhealthy it was at times. I also was doing damage to my marriage that I did not want to leave. I am so fortunate that my husband did not find out, and that he is still in love with me. I miss my MM. I miss us together. But, it ended for a (good) reason. I still have to remind myself of that often, but it helps me move on. I haven’t moved on yet. I still have ups and downs, but I’m feeling stronger lately and you’ll get there, too. I ached like I never have before, but then that ache dulled and then that ache wasn’t there every day. And that’s where I am now. I know that soon enough there will be no ache anymore.

  • J

    Hello everyone. Happy Holidays to all. I so appreciate all of you and your words help so much. Sometimes I’m too broken hearted to reply, but I check daily and read all of your comments. Unfortunately I’ve fallen back into the same pattern with mm. We had about 10 days if nc, he kept trying to reach me. I gave in, he then pushed me away again, I told him that’s it and I’m going to work on my marriage. I told him my husband is offering me so much more. I told him I still love my husband. He said I should work on my marriage and told me straight out that he will not leave his wife. I asked why he told me for over a year that we will be together and he said the lord has spoken to him now and he must work on his marriage. Well working on our marriages and resisting each other lasted one day. He got a room for us. We had a great time. He bought me several Christmas gifts. We’ve been meeting daily and talking non stop. He’s been telling me how much he loves me. He’s been very loving and sweet. However he has obsessively asking me if I’m sleeping with my husband. He has told me that he needs to be with me again. He’s told me that he hasn’t been able to be intimate with his wife again (since those 2 times which were supposedly were the only times in 3 years). He’s told me how being with me is the best it could ever be. Well he’s been getting angry thinking of me being with my husband and has accused me of lying when I told him I haven’t. He said he knows I have been and wants the truth. This has been a nightly conversation. We talk every night until midnight as both of our spouses fall asleep so early. The other night we didn’t speak and I was very worried since we do every night until we say goodnight. He had gone out to dinner with her. Said he drank too much trying to drawn his sorrows and he fell asleep. Was very apologetic. I asked if he was really intimate with his wife and he swears he was not. But went on to accuse me of being with my husband. Last night we met and he was very sweet and affectionate. Then we texted all night as usual. I was busy for 20 mins in the middle of texting and he went crazy accusing me of sleeping with my husband during that time. I told him I was busy on the phone speaking to my mom, but he insisted I’m lying. I said I’m sorry you’re so upset but that’s not true. He became irrationally upset and told me we are both very bad and what we are doing is very very bad. He said goodnight and that was it. I said do not speak to me like that. It really hurt me because I don’t feel I’m a bad person. I’m just in a bad situation. Well today he said he’s going to be busy with his wife and I should plan to be busy with my husband and not him. We had plans for Friday and he said we shouldn’t do anything because we need to resist each other. I said ok and 15 mins later he texted me if I want to meet him at the gym. I went and we worked out normally and talked nicely as usual. I tried to give him a hug goodbye and he said just a hug because we need to resist each other but told me that just hugging me gave him an erection because any physical contact with me does. He also mentioned he needs to start going to daily masses. He then said he was in a hurry to leave because he and his wife are going out to dinner for a nice night out. I said oh to rekindle things? He said I don’t think so because I’m not attracted to her yet. But he maybe could be if he didn’t see me anymore and if she’d lose weight and lose her big belly which he hates. Then he left and said he will talk to me later. I’m so confused ladies. I know this was long. I’m at my end. I can’t handle these ups and downs anymore. He thinks I’m a play thing or something. He doesn’t want me sleeping with my husband but then he pushes me away. This constant emotional roller coaster is taking a toll on my health and making me have panic attacks again as I used to years ago, but I overcame. Now because of this man, they’re back. I can’t believe I’m letting this one man take me down. Is he purpose playing head games with me? What does he even want with me? I’m sure he’s pushing me away today but if I just wait a few days he will be all over me again. Please help me!!! I’m going crazy.

    • J

      Just to finish what happened last night. While he was out to dinner he texted me from the bathroom to check in. Then texted as soon as he arrived home. Said he could talk in a few. Disappeared for almost 1.5 hours, comes back and says he’s sorry but he fell asleep. Claims he’s was drinking again to dull the pain of how disappointed he is in himself. I asked where the wife was and he replies right next to him as they fell asleep on the couch and he was resting his head on her. I asked if anything happened sexually and he made a joke then said not at all. I truly believe in my heart he purposely made me wait that 1.5 hours just to hurt me. He knew what I’d be thinking that they were doing it, and I believe he gets pleasure in having this control over me. It’s amazing to me that I didn’t see this before. I could be wrong and maybe he fell asleep, or maybe they did have sex, but I really don’t think so. I could tell he was happy to have me waiting for him and being upset. He must be a narcissist, which I’ve wondered about. Then this morning was all sweet to me. Sexting me all morning about his fantasies with me. Then all of a sudden says he can’t talk about it anymore because he received a phone call from the church and they want him to deliver a speech on the sanctity of marriage. What a joke?!?!! He is such a hypocrite. I said I don’t think you should do it. But he told me it’s his responsibility to the church and the lord. Help me!!!!!!

      • Felk

        J, I agree with the others on here who are suggesting you get out of this relationship. We all know affairs are a mess, but your MM seems to be manipulative and controlling. He tells you that he’ll be back in a few minutes and then he disappears for 1.5 hours. Whether he did it on purpose to make you jealous (awful) or really did fall asleep, he didn’t care enough to be around when he told you that he’d be around. He’s texting you when he’s out with his wife, and then he’s telling you that he’s resting his head on her? Not cool. It seems he’s jealous about your time with your husband or his perception of your sex with your husband, and he’s trying to make you jealous in return. An affair is hard enough without the people in it intentionally trying to hurt the other. As far as his use of the church and god, it seems like he doesn’t know what he wants and he’s a mess. All of these reasons are good reasons to try to be done with him. Best of luck to you. I know how hard it is.

    • Lois

      Hey, J. I am sorry to hear that you are hurting and struggling so badly. Unfortunately, I understand all too well. It’s bad enough that we know on our hearts that bring in an affair wrong and goes against God but to have someone who you have fallen in love use God and religion to make us feel worse or use as an excuse is totally freaking wrong. As you know, the MM in my life has done the same to me and has gone so far as to put his study bible on his desk. I’m not the only person who has noticed and questioned the purpose. It’s like he’s trying to prove to people that he’s a true believer…I honestly don’t know but it didn’t seem to phase him when we were intimate in his office and it laying there. I top weakened after several days of NC. At first I was so happy that it happened and now regret it. Once again. He got what he needed and back to the same old crap. I contacted him and he responded a couple of times and has been MIA ever since. Like you, I’m so tired of the emotional rollcoaster and head games. Felk and I have communicated through this post and she haS helped explain some of his behavior. I’m just so tired of worrying about if I have made him feel guilty by contacting him. He knows it bothers me and I worry if I doNE something because I’ve told him. He tells me I worry too much and nit to take his distance personal. Huh how else can you take it? Although our MM seem to be alike, he has never discussed his personal life with me. He’s only said his wife changed after having kids bit she’s been trying and has improved which is why he ended the last time to honor her improvement. Truth be known, she probably has one miserable life. I have noticed more and more that he lies about things that he shouldn’t. So I don’t know the real truth about things. I’m not even sure he knows. I’m not sure that he really had feelings for me because his actions don’t show it. I can’t imagine what you are going through because your MM seems to really messing with your head by sending mixed messages. Why does it matter that you have sex with your husband…you are married and not some 85 year old lady. You have needs and so does your husband. If he is that jealous and doesn’t want you to be with your husband than he needs to leave his wife and be with you. Maybe you should remind him that the Bible says we should take care of our husbands…not sure the exact scripture would are supposed to. I’m really upset that he haS done you this way because I know it’s a dagger to the heart. You question whether he’s right but you’re not a bad person. We made a mistake and in doing so fell in love. The good news is that we can change things and make things right but it’S not going to be easy. However, I know you…all of us can do it through the support of each other and God’s forgiveness and strength. We may stumble and weaken like we both did…each time we get back up and carryon. I think eventually we will get to the point that they can no longer cause us to weaken and stumble. I know for me this last time I surprised myself the progress made. Look at you, 10 days of NC…was this the longest? Who knows maybe this time it will be 15, then 20, so on to eventually there is no need because it no longer hurts…The desire is gone and the emotional rollcoaster has stopped. So please let’s both get back on our feet and challenge ourselves to start NC and go even longer. I’m here and so are the rest of these ladies. We can do this! Let’s start a New Year drama free. Sending hugs and prayers!

    • Felk

      Hi J, Oh, it sounds like you’re really in the thick of it. It’s hard for me to give much advice here since it seems you’re still really wrapped up in the relationship with this guy. From what you say, it does seem like your MM is a bit manipulative and mainly wants you when he thinks you’ve been with your husband. Of course, I understand his jealousy, but it seems like he wants it all – to work on his marriage and to keep you from sleeping with your husband. He wants you and his wife all to himself. It doesn’t work that way. It does seem a bit that he’s playing games. I’m not saying he’s doing it intentionally. I’m sure he’s confused and a mess, too. Affairs are a mess for both people. I’m sure he wishes he wasn’t jealous, but we all know how hard it is to have a relationship partner who’s in a relationship with someone else. It sounds like your MM wants you until he has you. He tries to get you back during NC and then pushes you away. Assuming he’s not just a cruel jerk, I think it’s rollercoasters for the MM, too. I think they (like us) want it all. I want my MM and I want my husband. I think they are trying to tell themselves to be good husbands and work on their marriages but then they can’t let go of the affair. Just like we can’t let go. And I think they push us away (and drag us back) as a means of control in a situation where we have little control. His accusations of you sleeping with your husband are pretty unfair (not only because you’re allowed to sleep with your husband but because you’re flat-out telling him that you’re not). I know that jealousy got the best of my MM a few times, too, and he’d make accusations that were absurd. Jealousy will destroy you in an affair if you don’t come to terms with the fact that each of you has a spouse. Obviously, I’d give the advice of NC again, but, if you’re not ready for that, maybe an honest conversation with your MM about how you shouldn’t talk about your spouses (and especially not about sex with your spouses)? Keep that as separate as you can.

    • Hope

      Hey J,
      Glad to know you are ok. This man is manipulative as hell, it would be great if you have some outside help in this, may be therapy? I saying this because he knows how to play you and would be good if you had more support. Don’t beat yourself up for going back, we have all done that at some point. You can only get stronger from here. Find a distraction J, avoid doing things with him. It will be very hard at the start to resist all the attention but remember this attention that he gives you comes at a heavy price. It comes at the price of your self respect, your sanity, your emotional stability and inner peace. He has the nerve to tell you great details about having sex with his wife but gets angry at the thought of you being with your husband. What a hypocrite!! He is using God’s name in vain. I believe being kind to others is more important than reading a holy book, I think that’s what God wants us to do, to be kind to one another. And this man is anything but kind to you. Makes me so angry that he manipulates you like this! If that was me I would kick his backside. You are a wonderful person J, don’t let him bs you and say anything else. You just like all of us just got involved in a bad situation. He is taking advantage of your kind nature and your love. One day you will tell yourself enough, no more. That day you will be willing to do whatever it takes to break free. Attention that we crave for in these situations is only momentary and soon the dark reality sets in. Take care of yourself.
      Hugs Xx
      Hope.

  • Jo

    Another holiday profile photo of MM’s family that shattered my heart. It’s been 3 months since the breakup, I’ve moved on to dating world but why do I still allow him to break me??? Their big smiles just cause tears in my eyes, why did I even look at her facebook? Is it true he has moved on and no longer cares about me? I should want that, but I don’t. Ladies, please help, I can’t take this anymore, I can’t stop crying
    :((((

    • Felk

      Hi Jo, I, too, saw the family holiday photo that my MM’s wife posted on FB this weekend. Best advice… unfriend her or block her so that you can’t see pictures. It hurts too much and these reminders just draw us back in to all the thoughts and feelings. I don’t know how long you were in your relationship with your MM, but it’s likely he still cares about you. My MM broke up with me three months ago and it’s hard to stop wanting him to keep caring about and thinking about me. Two weeks ago he told me that he still feels all the same feelings for me and is still in love. I’m not sure it helps me, because it gives me mixed messages and makes me think we’ll get back together. I’ve had some time apart from him over the holidays, and I’m trying to get to the point where I know we need to be over. I’m close. We were together for 5 years and it was damn good, but, in the end, it wasn’t working for either of us. It got too hard, and I need to recognize that. It’s so good that you’re dating. It’s not going to be easy or immediate, and don’t beat yourself up too much for not being over your MM yet. It’s completely normal to still feel for him. But keep trying to move on. Keep trying to focus elsewhere. It will get better. And I’m sure you’ve already noticed days where you feel better. I still tear up once in a while, too, when there’s a reminder, but I feel SO much better than I did just two months ago. I still have hard days, but they’re getting fewer and I physically feel better. I can tell there’s progress. I sometimes get frustrated that I’m still not over him, but then I try to remind myself that it’s okay to be sad and that it’ll take time. Just keep trying to do what you can to focus elsewhere.

  • Lara

    This story is so pathetic I don’t know whether to even bother telling it. I broke off my affair with a MM last Easter and I have been feeling pretty good lately! But then my ex MM showed up at my house right before Christmas. He had been trying and trying to (supposedly) to reach me by text or phone but of course, I had blocked him on my phone. Mind you he works next door to my house so I have seen him quite a bit thru the window of his restaurant but he rarely sees me which is the way I like it.

    Anyhow I told him I blocked him because I could not stand anymore waiting around for him to contact me or not and that it was both demeaning and excruciating and infuriating! So he threw a lot of his guilt at me (!) saying how hard he has been trying to call me and he ws worried etc. etc etc. And then he gave me my gift for Christmas which was a bottle of alcohol even though I have not drank any alcohol in 18 years and I have told this him repeatedly. Ahem.

    We had a little hug, no kiss, just a momentary hug and then he left. I would not let us get into anything heated. If he felt rejected he never showed it at the time. But I was scrambled emotionally all that day over this incident. Because I was feeling a wee bit guilty (he knows how to push my buttons still) and a wee bit “wobbly” I decided not to block him on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day since he might want to say “Happy Holidays”. I unblocked during that time. Well he NEVER texted or called to say Merry Christmas Eve or Day! grrrrr He always used to do this and play these games.

    Boy was I mad at myself to falling for that guilt once again. He is a real narcissist tried and true and everything is all about HIM. But he is blocked by ME ! again and I guess I am good to go until next Christmas LOL

    • Felk

      Hi Lara, Good for you blocking him for all of those months, good for you not getting into it with him when he brought you a gift (alcohol?!? Even though you’ve told him you don’t drink alcohol?!?), and good for you blocking him again. It is demeaning and excruciating and pathetic how we wait around for these MM to contact us and then they’re in our head all day when they finally do. I waited all Christmas Day for my ex MM to contact me and it didn’t happen. I need to be done waiting for him. If he wants me, he knows where to find me. If I’m waiting, I’m just putting myself on hold and just ready to be at his beckon call. I can’t keep doing that. Don’t beat yourself for unblocking him for two days. We’re human. We have feelings. But good for you for blocking him once again.

      • Lois

        Hey, Lara. I proud of you for blocking his number in the first place. It’s easier said than done so kiddos to you. I wouldn’t beat yourself up for unblocking him…it’s hard to fully let go and like Felk said we are human. I not sure why he brought you alcohol but think you handled it pretty good. I would probably fall over if my MM bought me anyrhing…lol! Just keep up the good work and don’t let a moment of weakness get you down. We are here for you!

        • Lara

          Louis, Thank you so much for your kind words! They mean so much to me. My son was here when the MM came over so really I was saved from having to see him alone very long. After the MM left my son asked repeatedly, “Why did he bring you alcohol? Doesn’t he know you do not drink?” I shrugged it iff but then again it IS very telling isn’t it? Yes indeed. Everyone who knows and cares about me knows I do not drank and stopped 17 years ago due to a PROBLEM I had with alcohol!
          But several people including the MM never seem to believe me. What does that say about him?
          Yesterday I poured out all the alcohol out and threw away the bottle. No need for any more memories of him here. But do I slip sometimes and still feel feelings for him and still miss him? Oh yes I do: Lois like you said we are only human! Thank you xoxo Lara

      • Lara

        Dear Felk,
        I did another idiotic thing and looked up his wife’s Facebook page which seems to change privacy settings constantly for some reason or other (unknown to me). Anyhow there they were the Happy Couple all dressed up beautifully for Christmas. She is very VERY pretty and well dressed etc. In a bright red and tight fitting dress showing off her very petite figure. He (always) looks “off” somehow…no matter what pictures he is in…….he is always a bit awkward…in general he is less handsome than she is pretty…is he insecure after all? maybe he is. who knows? he is always a bit stiff…..

        But, bottom line he never called on Xmas eve or X Mas day, (very typical behavior from the past) and bottomline I found that rude and unbearable, (as usual) and bottom line one I blocked him again, and bottom line is I feel hurt again! But truly not nearly as bad as last May! And I honestly do have my eye (half of one eye) LOL on someone else now after all these months 🙂 And that momentary hug with him was barely worth my time.

        I DO NOT want back into that sickening affair whatsoever. It was Christmas time and I slipped into some kind of imaginary nostalgia and now I need to move out of that place and back into my real life and that real life is getting better and better without him! At least without all the daily abuse and drama is gone and I can make my art, exhibit, show up for work more refreshed, see more of my real friends, tend to my own needs and health a whole lot more! These are the gifts of leaving a situation like mine.

        I really think the reason so many of us persist with these loser men is that we never get full closure with them. So many of them lead us to believe it is all “the fault” of this anonymous third party who we barely know (the mysterious ‘wife’).

        Without this closure and without answers we persist in trying to solve the situation never leave unless we know for sure it is hopeless. But these men rarely let us think it is hopeless in my humble opinion. We are too much of a good thing for them and so they string us along……

        In the “affair fog”, I become fixated with the thought that I can love him better; I can know him better; I can give him so much more quality time than she can. I can make hime smile, I can heal him with my love, etc. This is all very co-dependent as I now know. And I secretly believe I deserve something for my all efforts. And why should I let her win? I did all the work! etc etc. the spinning thoughts go on and on if I do not stop them. An affair makes ones mind like mashed potatoes. All level headed thinking seems to vanish. In its place is cobwebs and daydreams and longings for love in my brain.

        The round and round thoughts of my mind get worse and worse as I get sicker and sicker in my “love” for him. Now I finally know that if I really love him I must let him go. Real love knows when to throw in the towel and that is what I did. P.S. I will maybe never get my closure or my answers. It sucks. Oh well.

        Now I am realizing that some of this ruminating on my part protects him from my real deeper feelings of feeling utterly used and abandoned for someone else. These feelings are so ugly and horrible that my Herculean efforts to love him better, fix him, make this all busywork CONCEAL my inner abandonment and sheer depression. That is why I say to newcomers to this discussion this: You might need therapy and you might need medication. You WILL need an outside support group and real friends in real life to help you. This stuff is a very sticky emotional web and very very hard to get out of. Anyone see Netflicks “Stranger Things”? Think that gooey ropey monstrous mess! And that is what trying to get out of an affair with a married man often feels like. aaarrghhhh

        • Felk

          Hi Lara, Good for you for blocking him again. It’s so strong. I wish I had that strength. I’m getting there. Slowly. I do feel so much better than I did even a month ago, but it’s still slow progress. I am envious that you are at the point of not wanting back into the affair. I still want him back. I still miss our time together so very much. And part of the problem is that we’re attempting a friendship and it teases us with what we used to be. And we both feel it. And I don’t know if we’re making an honest attempt at a friendship or we’re holding onto the old relationship. Either way, it’s really hard to have that temptation in front of us and not be able to act on it. But, I really would like to get to the point of letting go of the desire to be in a relationship with him again. I’d love to stop wanting that. Like you say, I believe I need to let him go. “If you love them, set them free.” I want him to work on his things and focus on his marriage/family if that’s what he wants. I don’t want him to feel the level of angst and guilt that he was feeling. And then I want him to decide that he wants me in his life. See, I’m not ready to be over him yet. 🙁

        • Hope

          Very well said Lara. Great stranger things reference btw!! I love that show, will smile next time I see goey ropey monstrous mess. We are all so proud of you Lara, you go girl!! You deserve so much happiness and so many smiles. Glad to know you are interested in someone else, yay!! You never cease to make me smile (half eye?? Lol!) I hope and pray everything works out for you lovely lady and I am sure it will.
          Hugs xx
          Hope.

  • Should know better

    Hi- I recently found this website. I started a relationship with a married man a month or two ago. At the time I was also in a relationship, and actually initiated the relationship. I knew he was married from the start. I had intended to have a friend who was going through a similar hard time in relationship to me, but we just clicked right away. He was amazing in every way and made me feel things I hadn’t felt in forever. Problem is that I shortly after meeting him I got the courage to leave my relationship. It was time. We talked about him being married and what our options were. He made it clear divorce was not an option because “it’s just life”. So we decided we could either have an affair knowing it risks hurting at least 4 people (he has 2 stepchildren that he’s raising as his), just be friends (both of us knowing this being unlikely to sustain), or go our separate ways and not think of each other anymore. He says he wants somewhere in between the first two… which is what?… Me just being there for him whenever he wants? We’ve met several times and been intimate. But in the short time I’ve known him it’s been a roller coaster of emotions- between trying to convince myself I’m okay with whatever he has to give to being hurt because he choses his family over me. When he wants to (read: when he’s lonely) he can be so attentive and wonderful and make me feel so amazing. And yes i am In love with him and for however cheesy it sounds feel like he’s my soulmate. And despite the fact that he says he loves me I know that he has no intention of leaving his wife and that this relationship is not sustainable. I am a smart well educated woman and am not leaving a terrible 18 year relationship to end up being a mistress to man I love and can’t have. So, I’m here looking for strength to let go. He’s gone on vacation with his family now for the holidays. And as he obviously doesn’t need me now is texting very minimally, once or twice a day. I’ve decided to stop responding. If he’s gone for two weeks and I don’t respond maybe I’ll Have the strength to tell him to be a man and fix his marriage the right way when he gets back from vacation.

    • Lois

      Hey, should know better. Unfortunately, we all know roo well about the emotional rollcoaster you have been experiencing. I would suggest ending it as soon as possible because the longer it contines the more you get sucked into it and harder to get out of. LIke you, I got involved with MM knowing he would never leave and was satisfied being on the side. Honestly, I would have probably continued because I too am married with kids and have no intention on leaving. I had the best of both worlds but MM has ended things several times over the last year and half. He says the guilt us too much and he goes to church so it’s morally wrong. I didn’t really understand his behavior but you will find people like Felk, Lifelesson and etc on this forum who can provide a different perspective. I do understand MM behavior somewhat but the fact is that my feelings are pushed to the side…it is all about them. Unfortunately, I think if you continue you find there are more downs than ups. It’s quite difficult to get our of especially if you work together. Please read other posts and know we are to listen without judgement. Take care.

    • Lara

      ‘Should know better’ you are so right! You did NOT leave an 18 year old relationship just to be someone’s mistress (lap dog). You and every one of us deserve better! Welcome aboard and please: Stay here and READ! READ! And use even ounce of strength and will that you have got and LEAVE him. He is a clear and present danger: that is your MM! He will break your heart into 5 billion pieces and maybe never even say “I am sorry”. Are you strong enough for that? It is horrific, stuff and I would never wish what I have been through on anyone else. LEAVE! Many hugs Lara
      PS I was just looking over this kind of decent book I bought a while back:
      “Will he really leave her for me?”/”Understanding your situation/Making decisions for your happiness” by Rona B. Subotnik coauthor of “Surviving Infidelity”. It ask all kinds of really good questions and helps you to make a plan if you are in an affair. I recommend it!
      I also highly recommend the “Go Ask Suzi” website and programs for affair partners. Very well done! (Look for her on the internet)
      Good luck!

  • JJ

    Hi Ladies, I’m so glad to have found this site. Like you, I am in a relationship with a MM. It started out innocently enough. He was someone I had a small crush on back in college. We met again last year at a friend’s wedding and kept in touch. We arranged to meet at a concert in NYC (where he works but doesn’t live, and where I vacation to often), but he didn’t show up because, as a mutual friend told me, he found out I was coming with my then boyfriend, and he had more than a friendship interest in me. That got my attention a little, and by last summer, that boyfriend and I were breaking up. Then the MM invited me to a music festival being put on by another mutual friend, again in a state where neither of us live. I went with some girlfriends and met up with MM. We hit it off amazingly and eventually ended up back at his hotel room. I didn’t notice the wedding ring till I was naked in his bed. Ugh! But it was a little too late to stop at that point. I guess he wasn’t being disingenuous since he had it on the whole time. I just didn’t notice. So that was on him. But we had such a powerful connection. And I had lost my true love husband to a sudden death 3 years ago and didn’t think I could feel that strongly about another man again. I let my emotions get the better of me. So we met up the following month in NYC for 3 days. It was incredible and romantic. Then we met up in Chicago the following month for another romantic weekend. I feel so strongly in love and connected to him, and he is really everything I would ever want in a man. He is smart, he loves music, he is sexy and sweet and tall and great looking, plays guitar, is spiritual and in shape, reads a lot, has successful career and lots of good friends…. But he has a wife and children. They have been through counseling in the past, which he said was not helpful. She wanted to try again, and I encouraged him to since he seems to want what’s best for the kids. He says she’s cool and that I would like her (no thanks, I’d prefer to not meet her unless they are divorced or we are definitively not a couple). Now he’s back at home in the mountains with no work on the east coast again for a few months. I know he’s going to put effort in to counseling again. I know in my head I have to accept that and cut off my feelings. But I am a very emotional person, and it’s so hard coming off such an intense time to go cold turkey. He said we should stop texting because his friends who have gone through divorces have had the text records examined to help find fault. That gives me a mixed message as if he’s considering divorce. Of course I am respecting that, but it ties my hands on communication, leaving it up to him to call me. Honestly, I now keep the phone close by just in case. It’s driving me crazy, and I know the right thing is to just stop the whole affair and tell him to call me again if and when he’s divorced. But, as I said, I’m a very emotional person, I believe in love, I’m amazed to feel this way again after losing the love of my life a few years ago. I would really love some words of encouragement and support, any advice, etc. to help get through this. In my head, I know what I have to do. In my heart, it is so hard. Between calls, I think of things to say to him to let him go, but then on the phone, I’m all mush and so happy to hear his voice that I forget all about that. I have a lot of male friends who have professed their undying love for me, ask me out on dates, etc., but I just spent 2 years in rebound relationship (after my husband died) with a nice guy who was great on paper but just didn’t excite me. None of these other guys do either, even though they are all wonderful friends. The bar has been raised so high with my MM that I think it will be hard to even consider dating anyone else. Thanks for allowing me to rant and for reading this far, if you did!

  • Lois

    Well ladies, I am finding myself very confused and aggravated. Although my feelings for MM are genuine, I so wish that hadn’t gotten myself in this situation. It’s so hard to do what’s right. I should have used this time apart to put distance between us and was doing great until yesterday…sent him a text wishing Merry Christmas. Then, I contacted him again today to see if he’d be in the office any this week. Why did I do this? I think a part of me wanted to see if he’d respond and he did both times. But what does this prove…nothing really. In my head, I thought if he replied it meant he was missing me too because usually when he goes MIA he doesn’t respond. I seriously doubt in a couple of days that his feelings have changed because nothing changed in the month and half that we tried to end things. I’m so tired of feeling like this having my emotions all over the place. Felk and I have communicated through this post and she’s helped me realize lots of things. I’m grateful for the support. I know what needs to happen…it’s just doing it and sticking to it. We have another week before going back to work so I’m hopeful to begin the NC and take one day at a time. I will consider yesterday and today as a moment of weakness and try harder the remainder of my break. I wish it was that easy…sigh!

  • Karlene

    I recently meet a MM he comes into my work often And is my brother supervisor.. I didn’t think anything was going to happen he came by few time and one night one thing lead to another and now I’m freaking out crying and a emotional wreak I feel so bad like I’m such a disappointment to everyone to my family … I have not date in so long and he came along away good looking charming and I was in awe of him .. now it’s holidays and I knw he with his family I won’t here from him until he goes back to work .. I can’t live this kind of life I knw I need to walk away before it gets worse and times I think … what would once more be ?? It couldn’t hurt because all I’m all honesty I do want to see him I forgot what it was like to be wanted and desired … this is awful I hate it and the feeling I’m getting I can’t tell anyone about it I’m feel so ashamed I don’t lnw what to do

    • Lois

      Hey, karlene. I understand and my heart goes out to you because the feelings you felt were very real so is the pain that comes with being involved with a MM. If you read through our posts, the majority of us would tell you to get out now because the longer it contines the harder it is to end it. I truly wish that I hadn’t gone down this path. I have always been strongly opposed to people cheating. I somehow somewhere lost my values and morales so please don’t do the same. It may feel good for awhile but eventually it does catch up to you. Please don’t allow thus mistake to weigh on you too heavily…we are human and make mistakes. Wishing you the best of luck.

    • Lara

      Dear Karlene,
      Welcome to the board and thank you for your words! I remember the beginning few months of my affair with a MM so well. It was all electricity and sex and passion and feeling like no force could keep ever us apart from each other (not even “HER” (his wife)…

      Alas a mistress wakes up fast one day (maybe a holiday when he is not around or a weekend when he is with “her”) and then next thing you know you feel as cold and lonely and abandoned as though you were floating on an iceberg in Antarctica. The is your future if you stay with him I am afraid to say. Can still you get out? Can you force yourself to come to your senses? Are you STRONG? Please run don’t walk away from this situation!
      Stay here and read and will yourself to snap out of the affair fog! You deserve better! A man all your own who can love you 24-7! We all deserve that! Sending hugs, Lara

  • Blues

    When I met my guy he wasn’t married, in fact he is someone I worked with for 5 yrs. We dated for 5 months I was beginning to fall for him and him for me then one weekend he got married to a woman he has been in a relationship with for 10 yrs. Did I mention we worked together for 5 yrs and never any mention of a relationship let alone a fiancé and now wife. I found out on social media but not on his page m. He posted a picture that triggered me to go to his sons page and there before my eye was my boyfriend and his new wife. Their happily ever after. I confronted him he denied it. I sent screen shots of him at his wedding and reception. So he couldn’t deny it. I was going through and extremely difficult time in a legal situation and my bf got freaking married.
    After the dust settled he wanted to talk about what happened and honestly I wanted to say things and ask why he would do this knowing he was getting married. He never told me he was engaged and everything up until this moment led me to believe he was only mine. Shell shocked and in this horrible grief I couldn’t pull myself together. So I decided to start dating online bc maybe that would distract me. I went on dates but it wasn’t the same. In the mean time he was pleading with me about his love for me and didn’t want ito lose me. His persistence sucked me back in. Reminder he is a newly wed. We went on a trip together he spends the night at my house. He made me his priority. I am in grad school so I have limited time and though I hate everything it’s convenience has me sucked in. I know he will never leave her, I know we never had a chance, I know I am better then this but I haven’t been able to leave him alone. Every time I pull away he steps up his pursuit. This is the first time I have been in an adult relationship over the holiday in 8 yrs. I have children who I focused on but my heartaches and this is unbearable. I let him know this and he is trying to smooth it over but at the end of the day it is always going to be like this and I can’t handle it. I know what I have to do but easier said then done.

    • Felk

      Hi Blues, All of us on here know it’s rarely easy in these situations. Once you fall in love, it’s hard to get out of the relationship. But, your MM lied to you in a way that most people on here haven’t experienced. He completely hid his other relationship and got married without you even knowing (and then tried to deny it when you confronted him). There’s a level of lying with him that would really concern me. Also know, as a liar (I’m married) and as someone who had an affair with a MM (another liar), I’m not judging you and I’m not drawing a hard line about lying… but this level of lying of your MM seems to be abnormal. As best you can, try to cut off contact with him. I know, easier said than done.

      • Lois

        Hey, Blues. I have to agree with Felk and strongly encourage you to break free from this guy. We are on this post to help each other through a tough and agonizing situation because we got involved with MM. Although the majority of us were aware of them being married, it still hurts regardless of the circumstances. Honestly, I can’t imagine your situation and the hurt to find out his deception. I don’t mean to talk badlly and pretend our MM are not deceptive because they are but what this guy did to you is horrible. He’s a newlywed and won’t admit it makes things even worse. Please don’t let this guy take advantage of your heart.I don’t know you but no one should be treated like that…you deserve better. I’m concerned that he will only cause you more heartache and pain. Please end it now before you get too involved because the longer you continue the harder it is to let go.

    • Jo

      My goodness Blues, please please don’t let him suck you back in again, whatever it takes! I can’t even imagine what went through his mind when he was saying his vows to his new wife… to be able to say it to her with a straight face while pleading his love to you behind her back??? It’s one thing if the guy has been married and things got stale after a while, but the dude is newly wed!!! I’ve just saw my MM’s wife’s facebook photo of their happiness and it hurt so bad I had to come to this site and cried about it just a few minutes ago, but holy crap, after reading your post, I only feel your pain and anger right now. I am so angry and sad for you. Go on here everyday if you have to, talk to therapist.. I’m happy to give you my gmail if you want to chat up, anything to keep your mind strong, girlfriend!!! All the best to you Blues.

    • Blues

      Thanks guys,
      All the things you are saying I have said to myself. I am seeing a therapist. I have been married before and my husband was a narcistist who cheated. I have been the married woman and now the other woman. I think the hardest part for me is I was happy for the first time in along time he woke a part of me up that I haven’t seen in awhile. It felt really good. When I was divorcing my husband it was a process of ending thing and that is what has been so difficult about this I didn’t have time to move through the process of ending a relationship it just ended so abruptly and sh**ty. When I got sucked back in it was part of the reason. The other part is knowing everything removed a kind of weight. I don’t let people get involved w my kids. So there is parts of this that work. I am miserable and realizing it’s not worth the heartache no manner the convienance of the situation. Do I think he is leaving his wife no. They’ve been together for 10 years and from what I gather this is what they do. Do I want him to leave her I don’t know. Mostly no but little part yes. I am processing through this and just take every opportunity to really think about all this and move forward in my grief.

  • Hope

    Hi all,
    I know holidays are really hard for us and I just wanted to let you all know that you are all kind hearted, caring and compassionate women who deserve all the happiness and smiles! So many of you have helped me, a complete stranger! All you guys have been a ray of hope in my life and I would like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. In many aspects you guys know more about me than my closest friends. I broke it off in October and haven’t gone back and a major reason for that has been this site. People like Flek, Lara, Life Lessons and so many of you kind hearted ladies. Today I wished him Merry Xmas and didn’t hear back for 3 hours (usually he wishes me first thing in the morning) then without me asking he makes an excuse of why he couldn’t get back, I didn’t feel like responding as I had spent Xmas morning checking my phone waiting for his reply, after that he sends me another text saying he is thinking of me, missing me, wishing I was there, he loves me, etc. Made me realise he might be a narcissist after all.. he knew I must have been waiting to hear from him and immediately started to play with my heart strings. Holidays are so hard to deal with. He has been trying to woo his way back since October but I stood my ground. I still love him but can see I am being used to fulfill a void and refuse to let him treat me as a back up anymore. Yes it hurts, some mornings I find myself alone, have no-one to talk to and it’s when I miss our conversations but have realized those conversations/attention come at a heavy price, at the price of my self respect. I can’t remember how attempts I have made in past to break it off but this is the longest I have lasted. I have no desire to go back to the up and downs. Sometimes I feel sad, I just tell myself it’s ok to be sad and grieve. It’s ok to feel he didn’t choose me. I choose ME 🙂 my feelings over his. My needs over his. Sending love and positive thoughts to all of you. Please take care of yourself over this tough period. We are all here for each other. Merry Christmas to all you gorgeous ladies, I wish you all a very happy and prosperous New Year filled with lots of smiles, happiness and good health. God bless xxx

    • Lara

      Thank you Hope and Merry Christmas right back at ya! Merry Christmas to all of you ladies here on the board. I know this is one of the hardest times of the year. Felt, you amaze me with your patience and understanding of why these men might act the way you do. I feel you are so wise and accepting. It really helps me. I have a story to tell about my Christmas and my MM, but suffice it to say that for now I really want you all to know how much I appreciate each and every one of you. We are on a a rocky boat in tough waters and I would not advise any woman to take this ride with us as it is so very painful. But once here we DO find each other and we have so much in common in our situations that we find we DO find we do not need to suffer alone anymore! This is the greatest blessing of all. I am sending Love to each and every one of you! xxxooo Lara

      • Felk

        Hi Lara, You are kind to say the things you do and, of course, I post here not only to help myself in talking it all through but also in the hope that it will help others. I do feel a lot of patience, understanding, and acceptance. I feel that I know what I got myself into. I feel I know what he’s going through because I’m going through the same thing. I feel the best way to get through this is to be honest with myself about him, about us, and about my own feelings. I don’t want to deny how hard it is. I don’t want to deny that I still want to get back together with him. No point in lying to you all or myself about that. But, I think honesty is the way we get through this. And it’s also honest to say that along with all the understanding I have, I also have sadness. I miss him. I miss us. That was five years of a relationship with a lot of laughter and love. And, it’s not gone. Except it is. Sigh. Feeling all the love still but not having him the way I used to is still the hardest part of it all. And I’d imagine he feels the same way (and he’s told me this recently). But he also wants to focus his attention back on his marriage and family. No matter how much I want him to be with me, I can’t ignore that was his choice three months ago and that he’s still trying to do that. And, to be clear, I don’t want him to leave his marriage. I have never expected that. I did naively think, though, that we could continue our affair indefinitely. We’d done it for five years, why not five more and then five after that? But it was hurting our marriages, and, credit to him, he was more willing to try to stop the damage to his marriage than I was. So, for now, I continue to think it all through, get advice from you all, and just take one day at a time.

      • Hope

        Dear Lara,
        Thank you for your kind words. I agree with you completely, Felk has given us so much insight on why mm act the way they do, so have you. You both along with many others here have been the biggest reason why I was able to break it off in October. Yes we are all here for each other through this bumpy ride. Hope everything went well during the Christmas for you, please do share with us your interaction with mm when you are ready. Sending you lots of love and hugs too.
        Xoxo Hope

    • Felk

      Hi Hope, Your words really are befitting your name on here… you’re giving people hope that they can get over these relationships. You’re honest about how hard it is, but also honest about how important it is to not give in to the temptation and to put yourself first. The most important thing we can do is put ourselves first. As I said in another post this morning, I didn’t send the Merry Christmas text that I wanted to send for a number of reasons, but one of the reasons was that I didn’t want to wait for his reply. And I would have. Maybe he would have replied in 10 minutes, but maybe he would have replied in an hour or three hours (or maybe not at all). And it would have progressively made my day worse yesterday if I had to wait more than his usual response time. Or maybe he would have responded quickly and with words like your MM saying he missed me or something similar to make me feel all the things again. And then I would have spent the first hour feeling happy and then the rest of the day wondering what it all meant and wondering why he wasn’t doing more to get me back. Distance is the best thing one can do. It’s just true. And it’s hard.

      • Lois

        Hey, Hope. I would like to thank you for your kind words and admire your strength. Like you, I am so grateful for everyone on this post because I can be honest with judgement which means a great deal. This isn’t something you can admit to others…I’m ashamed for getting myself in this mess. After several days of NC. I did send MM a text wishing him Merry Christmas and was quite surprised when he responded within minutes. I truly figured he would not because of the guilt. He ended things the first of November and we hadn’t been intimate since end of September. Last Tuesday, we ended up together so I figured he would ignore me over the holiday break from work. Then like a dummy sent him another text today. He responded again. However. I know all too well what it’s like waiting and checking my phone for a response. I have never chased after a man so I get aggravated with myself. Unfortunately, the holidays are extremely painful for all of us. I truly wish it was as easy as we wished it was to be rid of the emotional roller-coaster we are on…wow its exhausting and tired of thinking and trying to rationalize his behavior and comments. Felk commented on my post and said her MM said he wad still in lobe with her. We both wondered which was worse her knowing or me not knowing. It’s tough no matter what the situation is because we fell in love. I admire the strength you and Felk because I am just not there yet. I think a person has to get to the point of no return before they can end the emotional rollcoaster. There are days when I think I am there but I weaken. I have to admit I have come along way because each time…it does seem like less of me truly goes back and the length of NC gets longer each time. So thank you Hope. Felk, Lifelesson and other ladies for encouragement and support.

        • Hope

          Hey Lois,
          We are all here for you. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, give yourself a break, we are only human and we all make mistakes. You are just as strong, you recognised that you need to break free and you will, in your own time when you are ready. For me it was all the small sacrifices that I had to make, slowly it got too much and I knew I couldn’t keep doing it to myself. It is an emotional roller coaster and I am sick of it. As all heartaches, it will take time. On days that I feel sad I tell myself it’s ok to be sad. Slowly I will miss him less each passing day. The positive is I feel good about myself, for doing what was needed for me. Also I feel good that I am not being used to fulfill a void in his life. Thank you for your kind words. Remember you are just as strong, it is not easy to be in this situation and deal with all this pain and we are all doing it. We are all here with you.
          Hugs xx
          Hope

      • Hope

        Dear Felk,
        Thank you so much for your kind words, they mean a lot to me. I do hope to help others just like you, Lara and so many other kind hearted, gorgeous ladies have helped me. On my really bad days, your comments with many others keep me going. Good on you for not giving into temptation and not sending a wish to mm. It’s exactly what happened to me, didn’t hear back for a while then felt good for few minutes and before I knew I was in tears. Next time I know better. You are very wise in saying distance is the best we can do. Thank you for your insight, your comments have always helped me. Your comments about why mm might not share minute details about their lives with us hit a nerve. Take care of yourself Felk, hope this new year brings you lot of smiles. I wish that everyone here.
        Xoxo Hope

  • Lois

    Wel, ladies. It’s Christmas Eve and it’s been 4 days of NC…told him that I wouldn’t contact him over our break for the holidays. I decided it was best to use the time apart to start putting distance between us so we can truly end things. With the help of people like Felk on this forum, I have a better understanding of why MM may act the way he does which has helped me to get to this decision. He and I may truly have feelings and enjoy the companionship. The reality of it all is things can never be with us for many reasons. There are more downs than ups and the emotional rollcoaster has to end. For the past several days, I have thought about him quite often and wondered if he was thinking about me which isnt a good feeling. I want so badly for these feelings to go away. The last time we were together. I told him that I did have feelings for him which opened the door for him to say how he felt but he didnt. During our last attempt to end things, he did admit in a chat that his feelings were more than just caring. If so. Why didn’t he say something? I’m just tired of thinking and trying to rationalize his behavior. I’m just tired of the emotional stress of it all especially when you know things will never be…why do we torture ourselves….they dont. In my situation, it’s been about his feelings and wants…not mine. He goes MIA and I’m left wondering has he decided to end things, has rekindled things with his wife, does he miss me, etc….what an emotional nightmare. As I said, this forum has helped me to understand why he may act the way he does but I still have uncertainties and my heart aches. It’s really tough and my emotions are everywhere…thanks for listening! Merry Christmas!

    • Felk

      Hey Lois, I’ve had four days of NC, too. Not really by choice, though. So, if yours is by choice, good for you. I’d love to be strong enough to initiate NC, but I still can’t. For me, we said we’d likely contact each other over the holiday break so there is no intentional NC. He is just not contacting me these last few days because this is what he does. He goes MIA during the holidays and it’s painful. Like you, I have spent that time over the years of our affair and this year, too, wondering if he’s thinking about and missing me, if he’s rekindling with his wife, if he’s deciding we can’t have a relationship and that this distance is good, etc. But, in my rational moments, I know that he does miss me and he’s not rekindling with his wife. He is merely taking this time to try to heal and move on as he has chosen with the break up. He is just trying to focus on his family as he said he wanted to do. And he is missing me very much. Last I spoke to him, he told me that his feelings had not changed and he was still in love with me. He says it hurts to be away from me. It makes it easier and harder. I want to know he feels that way for me, but it also makes it harder to understand why he goes MIA now. But I know why. He’s trying to adhere to the break up. He’s trying to be there for his family. He’s trying to hurt less by not teasing himself with our relationship. Sigh. Lois, your MM didn’t say anything when you said you had feelings for him because it’s too hard for him to admit. Because he’s scared to say it out loud (although he confirmed in your chat). And possibly because he’s trying not to make it harder for the two of you if you’re trying to end this. He likely feels conflicted. He feels things for you, but he feels guilty about those things and he knows he’s not going to leave his family. So, he likely figures it does no good to tell you how he feels about you. And maybe he’s right? Like I said, I think I want to hear my MM is still in love with me, but doesn’t that just draw out my pain? Doesn’t that just make me sit here all these days and think about why he’s not contacting me if he’s still in love with me?
      Lately I’ve been telling myself that he needs this break. He needs to know he’s trying with his family. If I push contact too much, it will just make him feel worse about it all. That doesn’t do either of us any good. And, if I’m really honest, I need this break, too. That’s harder for me to admit, but I have felt better being away from him than being at work with him. It’s a slow struggle. But it is getting better.

      • Lois

        Hey, Felk. The last time MM and I spoke, I told him that I wouldn’t contact him over the break. I thought it would be best for both if us to focus on our families. He never contacts me anyway. I have to initiate everything. I did send him a text thus morning and wished him Merry Christmas. I was surprised when he almost immediately replied Merry Christmas. I honestly didn’t expect him to respond because he too hoes MIA and it is awful. I kind of understand what you were saying about its too hard for him to admit because I have never come out and said I love you it’s always been I have feelings for you. You are right, I don’t think his feelings for me have gone away in a couple of days that we have been apart. After 3 months of no physical contact and a month and half of us trying to end things, we caved to our desires and feelings because we do still want each other. I know the holidays are hard on him so I have just grown used to him going MIA so that’s why I was surprised that he responded. I don’t want our affair to ruin his time with his family anymore than I want it to ruin mine. I do miss him but thus emotional rollcoaster is taken its toll because it cannot last forever. The situation just sucks. Hope you had a great holiday with your family.

        • Felk

          Hi Lois, I really wanted a “Merry Christmas” text or email from my MM yesterday, but I did not get one. I really wanted to send one to him, but I did not send because it was his “turn” to write. Last I “talked” to him was an e-mail exchange about a week ago, and, as I said, it’s his turn to respond so it felt pathetic (and pushy) to send him a Merry Christmas when he clearly was choosing to take a break from communication. I am trying to give him the space he seems to want. As you say, I didn’t want to interrupt his time with his family if that’s what he was choosing. Of course, I also was hoping he’d choose to communicate with me on Christmas. Two weeks ago, he told me he was still in love with me and his feelings had not changed since he ended our relationship three months ago. I know he is trying to take this space over the holiday break to figure things out and to give himself a chance to focus on his family. I know he feels he hasn’t given himself enough of a chance to get over us as we have remained friends (although much less communicative and spending much less time together). But, I think we both don’t want to get over us. I think we’re both holding on because we don’t want to let go of what we had. It’s a sad honesty (especially since I don’t think he’s admitted that fully to himself yet). I know he is worried we are going to fall back into our relationship, but, honestly, I think that’s what we both want. It might not be smart, but, as we all know, it’s much more complicated than dumb/smart. And sometimes you have to let yourself make mistakes to really learn. If you try to force yourself away from something, I don’t think you really get over it. We are in love. It is not fake or a lie. He is not a narcissist (or if he is, then I am, too). It was love made over five years, and that’s not going away any time soon. So, I’m unsure of what to do. I’d love to say that I will just forget about this and move on, but anyone on this site knows it’s not that simple. On the plus side, the NC for over a week hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be. It’s hard, but it’s not overwhelming as it felt three months ago at the beginning of the break-up. Granted, let’s see how I feel in another week if there’s still NC! Part of me wants to just let the NC go as long as he’s going to let it, and then we’ll just see each other back at work after the new year. But you know the other part of me wants to contact him. We’ll see which part of me “wins.” So far, I’m “honoring” the NC that he seems to want (even though when I last saw him he said that we should not force NC over this time apart if we really want to see each other).

          • Lois

            Hey. Felk. I so wish I had your strength because I weakened again today and contacted him. Believe it or not he actually responded. I admire your ability to stick with your decision. I had hoped to go the entire break. Do you work in education? Just curious because I do and off for holiday break. Why do you think he responded? Normally when he goes MIA so honestly wasn’t expected it. Then, like you said, I was happy for awhile but the remainder of the day he has been on my mind heavily and regretted contacting him. I’ve done nothing but dwell on the situation and think of him and hoping that I didn’t drive him further away by contacting him. Ugh….the emotional rollcoaster sucks!

          • Felk

            Hi Lois, I read what you wrote about my strength, and it took me a minute to recognize that it was strong not to contact him for the last 7 days. At first, I only felt weak in still thinking so much about him. But then I realized that you’re right. It took a lot of strength not to contact him over these days, especially on Christmas. There have been so many reminders here and there where I wanted to text him and share that with him, but I didn’t. I’ve been thinking about that strength a lot today, so your words helped. Related, I’ve been thinking about how he hasn’t contacted me in a week. How he didn’t contact me on Christmas and how I need to pay attention to that. How I can’t just sit around waiting for him and hoping he’ll give me some little morsels of attention. I know he is still in love with me. I know he is torn and struggling with it all. But, so am I. And I can’t keep waiting and hoping he’ll want to come back to me. We ended for good reasons. It wasn’t working for either one of us. I still thought it was worth it so I wanted to stay in the relationship, but it was hard for me, too, and there were so many ups and downs. There’s a lot he and I would need to be honest about if we were to continue, so I’m going to try to put my needs and wants first from now on. We were in a hard situation, but, in the last few months, I got weak and I was so scared we’d end that I let him treat me in ways I shouldn’t have.
            I know all too well what you mean about worrying that you contacting him these last two days will drive him further away. I’ve had those thoughts so many times through these three months (and in the months preceding our break-up). It’s a terrible way to live. We can’t be in relationships and be worried we will drive them away with our honest attempts at closeness. Sure, if we are behaving terribly, we should worry about driving others away. But if we are asking for normal reciprocation or expressions of closeness, we should not be worried about driving another away. If our normal (and fair) attempts at closeness drive another way, it’s not a healthy relationship. I am trying to take that lesson to heart, and I’m going to try to continue to express what I need/want and if it drives him away, then we should not be in a relationship. Too often, my emotional needs were pushed aside for his. I let it happen because I thought his situation was harder because he has kids and I don’t. But I compromised myself too much. You know I don’t want to make him sound terrible. He wasn’t, but I also didn’t assert as much as I should have at the end. I was too scared to lose him. I let that fear control me. I can’t let that fear dictate anymore. Easier said than done, but I’m going to continue to try.

          • Lois

            Hey Felk. MM and I chatted for a little bit today. Then, he went MIA. I am so tired of worrying. I cannot express how grateful I am for your advice and support. You are right…why should our feelings be put on hold. If I can’t contact him without him being so guilt ridden that it drives him further away then we do need to end things and be done. Honestly he has attempted several times but I end up contacting him and one thing leads to another. I have tried being friends and no contact and neither have been successful. I can’t take all of the blame because I don’t twist hid arm. This last time. I did send him a text that missed him and he’s the one that turned it into sexting. I’m not sure why he went MIA today…guess I said something wrong. Who knows but it only reinforces that my feelings don’t really matter. It’s all about him and his feelings. I may not be to the point where I am 100% done but I am getting there. It maybe a slow progress but it is progress. Take care. I will keep you posted.

  • Begonia

    Hello…I am new here.I found this post from the original post and the comments are so helpful. I have been seeing mm since beginning of September, so almost 4 months. I am also married. We both have kids. We both have said we are falling in love, but then he got scared and backed off a little… Now it is the holidays so we are busy and haven’t seen each other much and I am gaining some clarity. My marriage is almost over. I want a divorce (I wanted one before I met this mm, it’s not due to him). He is obv not too happy in his marriage but he told me he is not unhappy either. He isn’t lying to me saying he is getting divorced but rather he’s telling me he doesn’t know what he wants, but he doesn’t want to leave right now, this year. I’m freer to go out than he is so I keep getting frustrated that he cannot go out, cancels, etc. I saw him today after 13 days of only texting… We kissed, passionately as always and I’m afraid it drew me back in. I should have said no to meeting him and I could have been on day 14!!! I don’t know what to do. I think I should break it off because I hate that he still has an ok time with his wife but I want to leave my husband, so I am alone a lot of nights because I choose not to hang with my husband. He is not alone because he hangs out with her. I’m rambling now, sorry. I feel that maybe with some support I can break it off. But I also feel that I love him and we could be soul mates. Do I want to just turn away from that, or wait a little longer and see what happens? Shouldn’t I work up the courage to get divorced, and then be able to date freely, and find an unattached man? What if I can’t find anyone I love the way I loved him? I’m 50 btw. Thanks for reading 😔

    • Lara

      Hello Begonia,
      You are not alone in your questions! Welcome to this forum. I have been around here for quite some time and told my story numerous times. I got involved with my MM many many years ago 6 months after my marriage was falling apart and while I was still separated. I am basing my advice on my own looking back but of course hind sight is 20-20. Yes you should absolutely break it off with this guy. NOW. Run do not walk! First of all the end of a marriage is a very very vulnerable time and it is a time when we are drawn to all kinds of things to escape from the pain. Even if we want OUT of the marriage we still must grieve. So number one, you are in a very extremely vulnerable position right now. Divorce is a very big deal and you have to get though the process one step at time. (Been there done that). The new MM is a distraction from your pain. It is natural to seek a distraction. I certainly did the same thing. But like yours, my MM was “unhappily married” but not as inclined to leave. (Get this: He is still that way today and never made a move away from his wife and I caught them holding hands in front of my house back in the spring when I finally said “ENOUGH”) When I confronted him on that heart piercing image he said, “we always hold hands!” HUH??? He said they are “not “very” sexual however”. Huh?? Puhlleaassseee. Cry me driver buddy. 🙂

      Many of these guys are unhappy enough in their marriages to justify them (in the heads) to cheat but not mature enough or strong enough to go to marriage counseling and work on their problems head on. So they cheat. You are a deflection for him too from his perceived “problems”. This is a highly addictive set-up and I fell hard into an affair for that reason. This affair went on and off in my life for too many years to even count. But I have finally gotten out after more tries than I could count on two hands. The “hand-holding” episode was a karmic SHOCK to my system I guess.

      Many of these MM men will never go away in fact (on their own). In other words, YOU will have to end it not him. They are not strong enough! Mine wants me back as his “Number Two” UGH and why not? In his mind, we had a great time and he never had to take any responsibility for my welfare! Meanwhile he was lying to me and lying at home. So my advice to you is: Get out now! Please get out now! Affairs are like lobster traps…very easy to get into and very hard to get out of.

      In your case, the relationship is still new and you can still get out relatively “unscathed”. The longer you stay the worse it will get. Loneliness is not the worst thing and will motivate you to finalize your licorice and then work on a whole new dating life which many women tell me is actually fun! As for your age, I am older than you and I have learned so much in my time on this planet. I know I can STILL find a single and available man, one who will cuddle with me at night and listen to my days as I tell him. A married guy is a guy who seeks to avoid resolving his dilemma at home and who, ultimately tries to drag yet another unsuspecting woman into his mess. By nature this is selfish and shady behavior. Stay away! Let him resolve his own mess at own! Your love can’t fix him even though we think our love will be strong enough. It simply is never enough unless the MM rises to the occasion and figures out how to either fix the mess at home or leaves the situation. And then make themselves available free and clear to us! These men can suck the living daylights out of a compassionate and naive woman. It happened to me! Bless you as try to move forward in your life! It will NOT be easy but the sooner you do it the less painful it will be! Hugs, Lara

  • PeggySue

    Hi Ladies,

    My story is a long one, as they all are, but I want to fast forward to where I am today with a bit of background first This may help some who are in love but want to stop the affair. Mostly those that will relate are the few single women here that do not work with the MM. The running theme here seems to be both parties are married with kids – who are “soul mates”, where the MM plays games, where the MM has had numerous affairs, but is “guilt ridden” and they work together.
    ,

    I am sharing because I have some answers right from the MM’s mouth. I realize sadly, if we all Google “why do men stay in unhappy marriages” or “how do men mentally deal with an affair” or “why is it that far more women than men initiate divorce” we all really have our answers. There are only a handful of reasons, so we can just pick a few, but I admit feeling some sense of closure now that I have some specifics.

    I am single (never married) with no kids and had an affair with a MM for over a year. It’s hard to admit to myself that I loved him, and of course I thought he was different and we were different. I realize now that I was wrong.

    We met because I had hired him to help me with yard work/home repairs/etc. I knew him for 4 years prior to the affair. He was always patient, nice and kind to me; going above and beyond because that is the type of person he is. We used to chat a bit as we often worked side by side, and in conversation he had told me a couple of times that he was unhappy with his wife, but that was more in passing than a full conversation. To be honest, I really didn’t care about hearing about his personal life; I just wanted to finish whatever work we were doing. We never flirted and I remember once thinking that he would drive me nuts if I were with him because he really liked to talk. The last time he told me that he had really had it with his wife, I actually told him not to leave. I said “men never leave, and they don’t want to be alone”. I ended with, “you’ll be remarried in 2 years”. That is what I believed at the time and I still do more now than ever, but I still ended up in an affair.

    Things changed for me when we had sort of a ‘bonding’ experience. It sounds crazy, but suddenly I started thinking about how much I trusted him, how nice he had been (especially most recently) and my feelings started to change. He started calling me to chat on his way home from work and then started calling during his lunch hour. It still was a friendship, but we started spending time together. I work from home and have a very flexible schedule and his job allows flexibility at times. We were at my house most of the time, but we did go out occasionally. It was not a physical thing at first; I didn’t let him kiss me until after about 2 months, and about 2 months after that we became intimate.

    I am fortunate that he never played games, he never once tried to break it off, and he never told me lies saying that he would leave (although he couldn’t exactly keep his story straight about why he was staying married until very recently, but I won’t get ahead of myself).

    I tried to end it many times because I wanted to be with him and was not happy being on the side, but I was always the one to contact him and it would start again. This was not a fun experience for me, and I can’t understand how anyone can think this is any type of ‘thrill’ or ‘exciting’ because I spent far more time being unhappy than happy. I’ve never cried so much in my life, but here is the good part. After about a year, I got tired of the situation. I got tired of staying in my lane and always being available for him. I got tired of him always putting himself first because he was so afraid of getting caught. That was always his priority, not getting caught; I was never a priority.

    I ended it in July, saying that I had had enough. I had already started therapy and prior to that I did a lot of research online and have been reading here for a very long time. I realize now that I allowed everything to happen. I allowed it to happen because I lost my self respect and I lost my dignity. It breaks my heart that some women tolerate this for years, and I write that with zero judgment. I remember someone wrote here ‘every time I went back, a little less of me went back’. I remember thinking that I had the same exact feeling, and finally, I just had nothing left for him. I got tired of hearing about his life, his *real* life because he obviously didn’t want me in his real life. I got tired of waiting around for him. I got tired of having to end a phone call mid-conversation because he arrived at home. I got tired of spending every weekend missing him and waiting for Monday to come while he went about with his life. Mostly, I got tired of caring about someone that didn’t *truly* care about me. While he was always good to me, and I know he cared about me, he didn’t care enough to be with me.

    I hired him to do some work about a month ago. Mostly because 4 months had passed and I wanted some answers and had some things to say to him. I actually got emotional because the hurt feelings suddenly resurfaced, and I started explaining to him how much he had hurt me. I told him that I now realize he was just using me all along, and I started asking questions, and I got some real answers for a change. He *offered* to talk to help me understand and get over this. Suddenly the man who would never open up is opening up and offering to talk about this? He sincerely apologized for hurting me. He had never done that before. He told me that he didn’t appreciated me, and that he knew everything I did was because I cared about him. He was suddenly honest because he feels guilty that he hurt me *and* more importantly, I asked him if he knew how lucky that he was that I’m not the type of person to go and tell his wife. He said yes, that he thinks about that all the time. He is grateful that I am not blowing up his life by walking (yes walking) a few streets to his house and telling his wife. He said that he knows he is lucky because his wife would definitely not stay quiet if she were in my shoes. Believe me the thought has crossed my mind to tell her, BUT here is the thing. What would that do for me? Mostly it would hurt his kids and I don’t want to do that. I’d love to make him hurt like I do, but I know it won’t matter. Even if she did make him leave, I don’t want him by default, and I told him that. I asked what he had planned to do if he had gotten caught, and he said he would see what she wanted to do! If she would let him stay, he would stay, but he would still see me. If she wanted a divorce, he’d get a divorce. Can you image?

    I know nothing will change for him because he can’t create a happy marriage alone, and so he will stay in his bad marriage forever. He told me that he is not happy, but he is afraid to be alone. *That* is the reason he is staying married. He also said that he believes that all relationships are good only for the first year and then they all end up just as his is. I asked him if he ever considered leaving her to be with me, and he said ‘no’. It hurt to hear that I was never even a consideration, but it was good to hear so that so I can understand just how foolish I was. I’m lucky that he is finally completely honest whereas before he would say very little but use the typical excuses: “staying for the kids”, “I’m not ready to leave my marriage, but it will happen someday, I just don’t know when”, “I don’t want to lose everything I’ve worked for/so much time invested” blah blah blah. Finally I have the truth…..fear of being alone. The worst part is that he never thought that he didn’t have to be alone…he could have been with me . To him of course, that was probably too much of a risk because if it didn’t wok out with us, then he’d be alone. That exact thing just happened to a friend of his whose wife left him in June. The friend quickly got a new girlfriend and when that didn’t work out, he told my MM he should have gotten back with his ex-wife. Another one afraid to be alone. Is this how they all are? And people wonder why I’m not married. Ugh.

    I know that the best revenge is a well lived life. I am trying to make myself happy, learn from this and never repeat it again. I don’t ever want to lose my self respect again in this type of situation or any other situation. It’s also nice to *know* the type of relationship he has. I look on Facebook occasionally and that doesn’t even make me feel bad or sad. I used to be envious that she got to be with him. Now I just see a great big facade. Of course they ‘look’ happy. Who doesn’t smile when a photo is taken? Yes, I know that there must be some happy times, but for the most part, I know what really goes on, and with all of that, I *still* don’t matter. I wasn’t enough. That is what I have come to accept.

    I’m ashamed to admit that I really do not feel bad for his wife, and I mentioned this often in therapy. I have guilt over not having guilt. This is because while he never complained about her to me ever, I couldn’t help but piece together a very clear picture of her based on things that she had said or done over the past almost 6 years – including the type of mother that she is. I have no respect for this woman; rationally I know that no wife deserves this, but I can’t seem to have any remorse and that still bothers me. What makes me *almost* feel sorry for her is the fact that her husband is staying with her out of fear of being alone. I think that is worse than being cheated on.

    I read an article that said the other woman plays the “but he’s happy with me” game. I definitely did that. I know he was happy with me, and I thought that eventually, he would want to be happy with me full-time. Since I know that men rarely leave, I thought it would be easier for him to leave if he knew he could leave and be with me. That was 100% my fault, and I take responsibility for the excuses I made in my head. I rationalized so much. I think I let it go on, because deep down I didn’t want to admit it was all a huge disgusting mistake. I also knew all along, that he would never leave if he had the best of both worlds. So finally now, he has only his one world, and that’s the one he wants. I drive by his house often (even though it’s not exactly on my way home) and I love to look at the fancy car she had to have and new truck in the driveway, the house promptly decorated for Christmas right after Thanksgiving, but *I* know what a mess the relationships are on the *inside* of the house.

    The sad part for me is that while I don’t even want to speak to him since I have no desire to be his friend since it would only be on his terms/time constraints, but if he called me tomorrow and said he wanted to leave his marriage to be with me, I would probably say yes. See, I still have my own work to do because my head knows better than that, but I’m being honest. I also know that I’ll never get that phone call so I truly need to move on, and I mostly have, but I’m not quite there yet. I still think about him every day and very often. I worry that I will never feel the way with anyone else the way I felt about him. I worry because I liked who I was when I was with him. He was my biggest supporter, fan and truly accepted me for who I am, BUT I’m not going to romanticize this and talk about “soul mates” etc. Most women in affairs from what I read here are married; they all married their “soul mates” right? At least they have their “soul mates” and also usually have kids to focus on. I don’t have those things to occupy my thoughts or time. I also had this man in my home so there are reminders here along with many things that he fixed or gave me, but at least I finally did stop it for myself. I’m proud of how far I’ve come, but I know I have a lot farther to go. I sit here writing this while tonight I have another first date – yup; I joined an online dating site. I’m doing all the things ‘they’ say to do. No contact (well only for my answers), therapy, seeing friends, start dating etc. and I still hurt over this every single day.

    • Jo

      Hi Peggy,
      I can’t help but responding to your post, it’s like I wrote them myself! I got involved with my MM 9 months ago and broke it off 2 months ago while I was getting divorced from my ex-husband. I decided that I did not want either of the men in my life, since they both hurt me emotionally. Now I’m single and free, trying to do all the things you do: seeing friends, start dating, therapy… but I still hurt everyday thinking about him. Like you said, it’s a facade and everyone smiles for photos. In his therapist’s words, the fact that he fell in love with me sheds a light on the real situation of their marriage. But why, why do I still feel the pain when I saw a new photo of him and his wife and baby on her facebook?? I even went psychotic and started comparing his body language in the photos over the years that she posted on her FB to see if he’s really happy now (i.e. how he doesn’t have his arms around her, how big his smiles are…). I know I know that’s so stupid of me! I’m just trying to find every possible way to fool myself that he’s not happy with her. But then other times I think if it’s that bad, anyone would have left the marriage. Even I, who has always been afraid of society’s judgments, confrontations and arguments and disagreements at home, had the gut to leave. Therefore I have to stop making excuses for him. Plus, if they want us to be in their lives, they would make that very very clear. Your words just hit it right on the head and give me pain, we know what really goes on behind that facade, but with all of that, we still don’t matter. It’s OUR hope to possibly be with our MM one day that keeps us from moving on. But you’re so right, we all know we’ll never gonna get that phone call from them saying they’re leaving their marriage to be with us. (So much pain still just writing that down!)
      PeggySue, I am proud of you for making your way back to dating world. Hope you will have a lot of fun, and if you still remember to come back here once you find your new love, come share the news with us!! Would love to hear more success stories from those of us who have moved on from this toxic relationship (if you even call it a relationship!). I think it will give a lot of us hope and courage to stay strong through NC period!

      • PeggySue

        Hi Jo,
        Your comment (and the other) brought me to tears, but they were happy tears. Thank you so much for your encouragement. I wrote my post hoping to help someone else, and I feel that these comments helped me.

        I mentioned that if we Google “why men stay in unhappy marriages” or “why do women initiate divorce more often than men” we really have our answers. Here it is:
        You are a strong woman who wants *happiness* and won’t settle for less. These men (not all) are basically cowards and do not put ‘happiness’ first. My MM actually told me that ‘men are different’ when I asked him if he wanted to be happy. Most men are just fine with “enduring” and get through each day. I remember very early on – when he and I were just ‘friends’ my MM was away for the weekend with his family. He called and actually sounded like he was nearly ready to cry. He said that sometimes he wanted to drive and keep driving until the car just ran out of gas. I was trying to say things to make it better for him, and I asked how he got through it, and he replied “I just keep thinking…..tomorrow is another day”. A few hours later, he sent me a picture of him riding go- carts with a great big smile on his face. We can’t understand because we don’t think like they do.

        I forgot to write this in my first post, but mentioned Googling “how men can mentally deal with affairs” Basically they keep it separate in their heads; they compartmentalize. I’m sure women can do this (my therapist said that’s what I did with my guilt) but I know that is exactly what my MM said he did. That’s why I realize now, that from day *one* it was never a consideration for him to leave; no matter how happy he was with me. Very early on he said to me, “we can’t fall in love” I remember thinking at the time “who does this guy think he is?”, but my point is, in his mind, *leaving was never an option*. It didn’t matter what we did, they were never going to leave. I think I read that there is about a 3% chance that a MM will leave for the other woman, and usually it happens within the first 3 months because the man was ready to go anyway……we really never stood a chance.

        Again Jo, thank you so very much, and P.S. I had a really nice time last night. He is a truly nice guy which is what I want. He said he’d like to see me again, and we’ve been texting all day. The *best* part is, while I’m not super excited (yet), I thought of HIM before I thought of the MM when I woke up this morning. That is progress 🙂

        Best wishes and please keep me posted.

        • Felk

          Hi PeggySue, I’ve been reading what you’ve written here and you say good things. I especially liked the things you wrote about how men might “endure” unhappiness more than women. That’s certainly consistent with the fact that women initiate break-ups and divorce much more often. I think men might also feel more pressure to fulfill the “provider” role than women, and they may feel like more of a failure if they leave their wife and kids (especially since it’s typically assumed that kids will reside with the mom upon divorce). Four months out of your relationship with the MM, and it’s good to hear you’re going on dates and trying to move on. The thing that struck me most in what you wrote was the part about how you woke up and thought of the new guy before your MM this morning. Oh, how I know what a big deal that is. My MM is still usually the first thing on my mind each morning (three months post break-up). I long for the day that’s not the case. He was the first thing on my mind for the last five years so it’s not surprising that’s still happening even three months after we broke up (especially since we work together). It’s getting better and I feel so much less sad than I did just a month ago, but there’s still a ways for me to go.
          I also noticed that you commented in another post about how you didn’t have a husband or kids to “help make that easier” when you stopped your relationship with the MM. Maybe it is easier if you’re married or have kids, but it doesn’t feel that way to me. It feels like if I were single, I’d be able to get into new relationships to help me move on. Because I’m married, I don’t have the opportunity to find a new love. I think for single people there’s probably a fear that you’ll never find a love like your MM, but for married people I think there’s the realization that your marriage will never be as exciting as your relationship with your MM. And since we’ve already been married to these people for a long time, I think there’s truth to that. It’s not going to go back to the passionate relationship it once was at the beginning of the marriage. I’m not saying it’s easier or harder to be single or married in this situation. Just giving you my perspective as a MW. I’d imagine it’s about as hard for all of us regardless of our relationship status. We were all addicted to the excitement of the affair, and that’s a hard thing to get over, especially when there is love and caring there, too.

          • PeggySue

            Hi Felk,

            I’ve been thinking a lot about what you wrote. I think I might understand better now why so many women say their affair is exciting and are addicted to the sex, the relationshipt is like a drug etc. As I said, I never felt that. It was just nice; that’s the only way I can describe it. We were friends first and foremost, and he was easy to be around because our personalities were compatible. He never played games or went MIA. I think the key difference is that for me, I wanted to and was able to be in a relationship with him because I was available to do so. That’s what I wanted, but obviously he did not.

            Most women here are married and as you said (I think you hit the nail on the head) you know your relationship won’t go back to the passionate one that it was in the beginning. I also think it’s unrealistic to expect that, but I can understand why it’s harder to give up the affair. You have nothing to lose really. By that I mean, for me, the longer I stayed, the more time I wasted. I wasted over a year of my life in that mess instead of looking for someone that could be with me 100%. I even said that to him once. “I’m just wasting time and you are just passing time”. Every day that I stayed with him I made *his* life better and happier. He would have stayed in the affair with me for the rest of his life, and he told me that.

            Just some background on me. I’ve never been interested in being married. I never had the dream of walking down the aisle in a long white dress, or having my ‘special day’, of marrying my ‘soul mate’, meeting ‘prince charming’, or living ‘happily ever after’. This type of thinking (in my opinion) can only do one thing, and that is lead to disappointment, which might explain why so many women are disappointed. I think romantic comedies are b.s. with their ‘happy endings’. Life is just not that way. Shame on anyone that teaches that to their little girls.

            Any relationship is hard. There are disagreements and happy times. This goes for the relationship with my mom, or my 2 best friends of many many years. There are ups and downs, but if you married a friend, there should be genuine caring about the other person’s well being, there is affection, respect, trust, compromise etc., that is what you fall back on. That is life. Passion fades – period. Relationships built on the physical are doomed because that doesn’t last. When people recite their vows and say they can’t wait to “grow old together” I think that’s just what growing old together is. Accepting that the newness fades just like that new car smell 🙂 What you do after that, well that’s another story.

            I know it is easy for me to say, but if you do have that foundation, I’d consider myself very lucky. While I’m not looking to be married, I am looking to be in a relationship with someone that I enjoy being around, that I can trust and is kind and respects me.

          • Felk

            Hi PeggySue, I didn’t feel addicted to the sex, but I think there is an addiction to the reward/reinforcement of the excitement of it all – of feeling in love again. He and I were friends for years before anything physical happened or before we really got emotionally involved. But, it’s not surprising that it started out as a friendship. A lot of women on here write about friendship first. That’s what draws us together. You make good points about being married or single and in an affair with a MM. I can understand why you felt that you were wasting your time if it was clear to you that he wasn’t going to leave his marriage. For me, it never felt like a waste of time. I wasn’t going to leave my marriage and I didn’t expect my MM to. I think I would have stayed in my affair for the rest of my life, if my MM was willing, but it got too hard for him. Maybe he wanted me to leave my marriage? I don’t know. He never said that to me.
            Although I’m married, I don’t have “soulmate” or “happily ever after” thoughts about marriage. I never did. I’ve always been realistic about relationships and how the passion fades. That will happen in any long term relationship regardless of a piece of paper that says you’re married. It’s as you say, you have to be ready for the passion to fade and you have to have the other things – closeness, trust, respect, friendship, etc. That’s what sustains long-term relationships. I have that with my husband. That’s why I never wanted to leave him. Now, why did I cheat? I suspect there is a complicated and simple answer.

        • Jo

          Omg I’m so happy to hear your date went well, and even happier to know your first thought was not the MM!! That’s great progress if you ask me or anyone on here. I’m really hoping I will get to that day when I feel indifferent towards his existence. Xmas is now and I’m just anxious to see what happy pic his wife will put up on her fb profile :((. I tried tinder and bumble but I feel like I’m not interested in the men enough to keep up w conversations, so i ended up dropping them, have made no progress, have gone on no dates, and finding myself crying at night again lately resenting him for letting me go when I asked for breakup, for making things happy as usual at home for his wife… although I was the one asking him to work on his marriage and what he’s doing makes sense. Sorry I’m ranting again. I thought I have it together but apparently not.
          Anyway, happy holidays to you PeggySue and everybody on this blog! Enjoy the food and spirit, and try to appreciate what we have… and perhaps what we don’t have (i.e. the cheating married men)!

          • Felk

            Hi Jo, The holidays are hard, aren’t they? I’d been doing pretty well leading up to today, but today I’m finding myself missing him more than usual. Sucks. I’m going to try to focus on my family and all the other good things about the holidays, but I know he’ll also be in the back of my mind for most of the day. I, too, dread seeing his wife post the holiday family pic on FB. I haven’t seen it yet, and I’m just hoping that she posted it a few days ago and it didn’t show up in my feed!
            I know you know all of the things, but you asking for the break up was strong and good and you’re moving in the right direction. You miss him and you’re sad and that’s normal. Be compassionate with yourself and don’t beat yourself up for missing him. It’s normal to miss someone we cared about. Especially around the holidays. And you’re trying with dating and that’s good, and it’s okay that it’s not working yet. I wanted to be over my MM suddenly, too. For weeks, I kept waiting to wake up and be over him. And then I realized that’s not how it works. There are ups and downs, and I will feel better some days and worse others and, after five years together, I know it’s going to take me more than three months to get over him. Sometimes I still cry a little about it all, but when that happens I tell myself that it’s normal and I let myself feel sad… but I try not to get sucked into the sadness and I focus elsewhere (and it usually works now… although it didn’t work two months ago). It’s taken time to get to this point.
            Any break-up is hard, but ending an affair might be particularly hard because we feel that we weren’t chosen or, worse, we feel that he chose someone else over us. That’s always the worst at the end of any relationship, and it’s inevitable at the end of an affair. And even though we always knew she was there and we were willing to put up with it, at the end, he chose his marriage. As you say, you asked him to work on his marriage. You understand that people can’t just easily give up their marriages. I don’t know if your MM has kids, but when they have kids, even harder. How could we expect them to leave? My MM has kids, and I never expected him to leave. Honestly, he considered leaving his marriage more than I expected (and more than I considered leaving mine). And I think that’s what drove him to the break-up. I think he felt he had to chose me or his family, and, of course, he chose his family. He couldn’t keep going through the strain of two relationships. I don’t blame him. It’s SO hard. I lived it for five years with him (and I’m still going through it with him… as we’re still expressing feelings for each other through the break up). I know how hard it was to be married and be in another relationship. There was so much badness, but yet we’re addicted to the goodness. I, too, long for the day I can wake up and he’s not the first thought on my mind. I know how you feel. All of us here do. But it’s gotten so much better for me over these three months. It’s taken time and it will take more time. I probably make it sound easier than it is (because I have pain still), but thinking rationally about it all helps me a lot. That’s what makes me feel the strongest.

          • PeggySue

            Stay strong Jo. You will feel indifferent soon. It’s only been a couple of months for you, and the holidays can make it harder for some people. I understand the crying at night all too well – even after a couple of months had passed and up until recently, I did the same. I too was the one that ended it, but it doesn’t matter that were the one to end it because we didn’t really *want* it to end, we wanted it to be different. Since they had no intention of leaving, it would not be different so we finally had to end it. We have to be proud of that. You *do* have it together because you did that. Not to mention you also had the courage to divorce and start therapy. Go easy on yourself; I’m very proud of you.
            I hope the past couple of days have been better for you.

    • Angela

      Hey PeggySue,

      I read your post and I must say I completely relate to it as I too am a single woman and I got into the same mess with a MM. The things that your MM said to you were exactly what my MM said to me. He never promised me to leave her and never said anything bad about her.

      I also feel guilty for not feeling guilty. Its been 4.5 months of NC and I think I feel better. It hurt my self esteem and my pride that I wasn’t good enough for him, wasn’t worth the fight. I have been on several dates since NC and initially I used to compare every man with him and no one ever close to how he treated me or how he made me feel. But as weeks passed away, I have come to terms with not having him in my life and looking out for a guy who is good for me.

      I really hope all the women here find the strength to come out of the toxic relationship. Trust me its like detox, the first 4-6 weeks we will have crazy withdrawal symptoms but if we are strong enough to get out of that, it makes us a stronger person with great will power.

      I was reading a book on self help and it said that we attract these type of men due to our own insecurities. Let go beautiful women, you are strong and successful and gorgeous. Feel that about yourself and the right type of men will follow 🙂

      • PeggySue

        Hi Angela,

        Thank you for writing because I do feel like we are the minority here – single, but more importantly, we *stopped* and we didn’t have a husband or kids to help make that easier.

        I don’t have a lot to say except a heartfelt thank you. Wedo have the same story. Good for you for the self help book, and you’re right, I’m sure that is why I attracted this – insecurity. I hope I’ve overcome that though.

        Stay strong – I’m sure you will. 4.5 months – that is so great!!!! 🙂

        P.S. We have to stop thinking we weren’t good enough or worth the fight. It’s not *us* Please read my comment above to Jo (just so I won’t repeat).

    • Lara

      Peggy Sue, I absolutely ADORE your words and think you nail it when you describe the way it feels to be in an affair:
      “I got tired of hearing about his life, his *real* life because he obviously didn’t want me in his real life. I got tired of waiting around for him. I got tired of having to end a phone call mid-conversation because he arrived at home. I got tired of spending every weekend missing him and waiting for Monday to come while he went about with his life. Mostly, I got tired of caring about someone that didn’t *truly* care about me. While he was always good to me, and I know he cared about me, he didn’t care enough to be with me.”

      Triple AMEN! to all that!! from me. I got so tired too. And I do not miss it. I do miss the guy sometimes (less and less) but I never miss the way I felt in the affair as you describe so well above. That was pure torture and very demeaning for me and my self-esteem plummeted.

      Good luck on your path! Be very careful of the post-affair friendship thing. He will try to reel you in believe me. The gifts you never got may arrive on your doorstep, and the words you never heard before suddenly might start to tumble out of his mouth. And you might just find yourselves right back in his arms. I sure did many times. And then what? Gradually he will return to his old neglectful and MIA behaviors and you will be so angry you gave in to him one more time. Post-affair friendships rarely work with these guys unless the sexual chemistry is really truly DEAD DONE GONE and for me, it simply never was. That chemistry is a vicious drug and is so addictive and I am hear to swear on that. 🙂 Hugs Lara

      • PeggySue

        Hi Lara,

        Thank you so much for the well wishes and the warning. I wrote above (somewhere) that I really never had the excited or drug/addictive feeling, but you can read that explanation above 🙂

        I did just want to clarify one thing. I am not trying to have a friendship with him at all. I have zero interest in that and made that clear to him way back in July. He kept asking if he could call me, or if I would call him, and I just kept saying no. I’ve had enough.
        He never contacted me after that. I hired him to do one job in late November, which probably wasn’t smart, BUT I did want to say a few things and I wanted to get some answers – and I did. That was the end of it.

        When I say I got tired of the situation, I really did. I have no desire to be friends with him for 2 reasons.
        1. like I said, this was not based on sex or excitement or an ‘addicted’ feeling. We had a real friendship and for him, that is missing in his marriage. Why should I be his friend, and (finally putting myself first) what would *I* get out of it?

        2. He would be *perfectly happy* to be able to call me – on his lunch hour, or on his way to/from work, or on his way to the gym etc., and then go on about his life. I’m tired of making *him* happy. He said once when I had previously tried to end it, that he felt he was losing his best friend. See there, I’m a woman, I already have a best friend (2 in fact 🙂 Yes, he’d also be missing sex with me, but he can have sex at home. The friendship was very important to him, and you know what, I won’t give him *that* satisfaction. That also would be giving him ‘best of both worlds’ and I’m finished doing that in any way, shape or form. A friendship would be on his terms, just like the affair was. It would be the same exact situation for me – without the sex. No thanks.

  • Lois

    And the saga begins, I really enjoyed the time MM and I shared yesterday. However, it left me with lots of uncertainty especially after coming to work and finding out he is out of the office for the remainder of the week. He never mentioned any of this to me yesterday, so it left me wondering…did his conscious get the best of him? I know his kids are home for Christmas break. Then, I found out that he is hosting Christmas at his house this year for his family as well as hers. I asked him yesterday if he had any big plans…he said the usual family stuff. He ended up having to come in to the office for an unexpected meeting, so I did have a chance to speak with him and reassured him that I did not expect anything out of what happened with us yesterday. I told him that I hoped the guilt did not weigh on him over the holidays. He said he was doing pretty good with it; but could not promise me it would not bother him over the break. I expressed how much I enjoyed it and he said he did too. I told him that I would not bother him over our work break. Honestly, I do not know what to expect after we come back from break, so part of me wants to use the time apart to build up my wall because most likely he will come back and say the guilt was too much and he cannot do it anymore. The other part of me wants to hold on to what we shared and hope it continues. I do not know what to do…maybe a little of both. I know there is not future for us…neither of us will ever leave our families but it seems we cannot break free of it. Truthfully, I do not know if I could have a real relationship with him because not sure that I could trust him. He has has two affairs that I know of at work in the last five years that he has been here. Yes, I know that I am doing the same. However, my situation is different because this is the first and last for me and have been with my husband for 30 and no else until this happened with MM. So, I wonder how many other affairs has he had? Then, I think back to the conversations him and i have had about him feeling trapped and how our situation was driving a wedge between him and his wife. I read through posts yesterday and someone commented that there comes a point when you know it’s time to call it quits. There are times when I feel that way but there are times when I do not, so maybe that’s why we cannot seem to do it. I really just do not know and totally confused. My head says one thing while my heart says another. I am probably not making much sense…my emotions are going crazy. The strange part about everything, I can give others advice on how to handle situations but I cannot seem to take my own advice. How do I know if it’s really love that I have for this man or is it lust? I am so grateful for this site because it allows me to share my feelings and know many of you understand the heartache, happiness, passion, confusion, uncertainly…the emotional roller-coaster. Thank you for being my sounding board!

    • Felk

      Oh, Lois, how I know the feeling of suddenly finding about your MM’s plans that he never told you about. Oh how often that happened in our relationship where I’d wonder why he didn’t tell me about something as simple as you say – that he wouldn’t be in the office for the rest of the week. But, I think this is their way of keeping their marriage separate from their affair. I think it’s also their way of keeping some control of the situation, as it’s a situation that we know we feel little control (because we can’t have everything we want). But it’s a situation that’s filled with secrecy, not only the secrets we keep from our spouses, but the information that our married other keeps from us. It’s so very hard to deal with. I also understand what you say about how you worry about how the guilt will weigh on him over the holidays. In the five years my MM and I were together, we always found the holiday time apart particularly difficult. Not only because it was extended time apart but because we were spending it with our families and I know we were sad and worried. Sad that we didn’t get to spend time together at the holidays and worried that the other was rekindling with their spouse. I also know that the time during the holidays would remind him of how he wasn’t being a good husband and father. So, I understand your worry about your MM’s guilt. There is not a lot you can do about that, though. It is understandable guilt. I would take what he says at face value about his guilt, even if it sounds hypocritical as he has an affair. It sounds similar to my MM’s situation. He was worried about the damage he was doing to his marriage, and he was anguished about not being the husband/father he wanted to be. He started to resent his marriage and family around this time last year, and I know that was a tipping point for him. He felt he had to choose, and it took him about 9 months to choose but ultimately he chose them (and I never expected him to leave them). Or he’s trying to choose them and he’s still struggling (as it sounds your MM is).
      I also understand what you say about not being able to have a real relationship with your MM. I feel the same. It isn’t a trust issue with affairs as much as he has some characteristics that I just don’t think would work as well for me long-term as my husband does. My MM is great, but there are traits I’ve noticed over these years that do not match as well for me as my husband does. But we want these MM to supplement our relationships. We want both. It’s selfish and greedy, and this is why we find ourselves in this mess. 🙂
      But, as to that last part about why you can’t take your own advice, well, I think it’s because the “advice” we give others in this situation is often unrealistic. We say what is theoretically best but is often impractical or not what is actually “best” for any given person. There is no one-size-fits-all method of breaking up, especially in an affair and especially when you work together. Do it at your pace and on your terms. If there is one thing I’m trying to do better in this break-up than in the relationship is that I’m trying to be more assertive of my needs. If we are to be friends or if we are to get back together, it can’t be only on his terms. He had a tendency to assert with me in ways that were not always fair, and I know it was partially because he didn’t feel that freedom with his wife. He also struggled with expressing emotions and he would use that difficulty to monopolize our emotional sharing such that the focus was usually on his emotions at the expense of mine. I don’t want to make him sound terrible. He wasn’t. But, I’m trying to use this break up to recognize what I want and need and assert that moving forward. I’m trying not to be scared of our relationship really ending. Have to be true to yourself, and, for me, right now that means a lot of things, including trying to keep him in my life.

      • Lois

        Hey, Felk. Thank you so much for your response. You have no idea how much it is appreciated because it sounds like our situation is so familiar and you have opened my eyes on a few things. Although the MM in my life has tried to explain to me about the holidays and the guilt, I could not wrap my head around what he was saying. However, I finally get what he was saying after reading your post. I am wondering if the comment he made about how our affair was driving a wedge between him and his wife was more about the resentment he feels. It also makes sense about why he does not tell me things like being out of the office. I also wondered if he does not tell me because he thinks it would hurt to know the truth, but really I would rather hear it from him than someone else. I guess, if we do continue after the holidays, I will say something to him about it. You were right about MM having characteristics that I am not sure that I could live with in a long-term relationship. You are right, MM fills a void (supplements our relationship), so we have the best of both worlds which is selfish and greedy. In the past, MM would not really say much about his wants or feelings but on Monday he was a total different guy texting me how badly he wanted to, etc. He even admitted on Tuesday that he did not know what got into him because he was off the chain. I think, for the first time, I go to see a side of him that he does not let out and told him that he was a nice change. You may recall last week, I was attempting the NC and wondered why he replied to email when it was not necessary and thought it might have been his way to reach out to me. I think, I was right about that because since we were together Tuesday, he was not responded to text or email and both were work related…well, I did send a personal text that he did not respond to either. I really do enjoy being with him but the way I feel today and all of the uncertainty for the next week or so really weights on person. I do not think it is fair that his emotions and feelings should come before my mine and ignoring me and going MIA is not cool with me. It’s another holiday where I have all of this weighing on me, so can I really enjoy my family with all of this chaos in my heart and head. I am really leaning toward the notion of using this time apart to distance myself and try to block out this feelings for a man who cannot or never will be mine. I already told him that I did not expect anything from him after us being together, so maybe this is the time to do it. It would be nice to not have these feelings and be free of it…or will I ever be free of it because we work together? I do not know…really confused! I am fairly certain that he will have guilt…understandable…and he will distance himself over the holiday break. It is like I am preparing myself for the worst and hoping for the best to avoid feeling the pain and having my heartbroken again. I too feel that my needs and wants should be considered just like not telling me he will be out of the office. Just know that I truly do appreciate your support as we muddle through this mess.

        • Felk

          Hi Lois, I think they don’t tell us things about what’s going on in their marriage/family because they think the truth could be hurtful (because they don’t want to hear about what’s going on in our marriage/family). I know my MM was pretty jealous/sad about my “life” with my husband even though we shared very little information about our married lives. For the most part, I didn’t want to hear about his life with his wife, but he seemed to go to the extreme with that and not share “normal” information that I would have liked to have known (like if he was going out of town). I think they also don’t tell us because they are trying to separate the two. I know my MM, especially as the affair continued, had a lot of trouble separating in the sense that he’d be thinking about me when he was with his wife and kids. And that made him feel very bad/guilty. He felt like he wasn’t being a good husband/father if he wasn’t fully present for them. So, I know he would try to separate me from his other life as much as possible to make it easier for him. I know he felt bad about hurting his marriage. I know he felt his wife didn’t deserve it. Even if he didn’t think she was as good of a match for him, he also felt that he’d made promises to her (in his wedding vows) and he wasn’t fulfilling them as well as he could. And then there was the resentment issue. Last year, after we’d been together for almost four years, he started getting frustrated that he’d have to leave me to do things with his wife or with his kids. And when he started feeling bad about picking up his kids, for example, I know that’s when it really became a problem for him. That’s when he really started to feel guilty. He’d been able to separate us from his kids pretty well, even if we were affecting his marriage. But when we he started feeling bad about doing things for his kids, I know it weighed heavily on him.
          But, it’s as you say… there are so many ups and downs. They go MIA and it’s very hard. My MM would go MIA especially around the holidays and it was really painful for me. And when I’d tell him, he’d say that it was how he dealt with the difficulty of our situation, but it felt unfair. Even if it wasn’t unfair, it was pretty rough and sometimes it would make me physically sick missing him. Like, I couldn’t sleep or I’d be nauseated all day. It was no good. But, I was willing to put up with it when I knew he wanted to be with me and when he was making attempts to make time for us. But slowly, this past year, he pulled away to make the end of our relationship easier for him. It was a pretty rough year as I could feel it happening but couldn’t bring myself to end our relationship. And it’s still rough. I’m still in love. He’s still in love. Yet, we’re trying to be broken up. I, too, would love to be free from these feelings. I would love to be over it. But I’m not. It’s much easier now than when he ended it three months ago, but we are still in limbo and it’s still not working well for either of us. And I also wonder, like you, if we can ever be free of these feelings because we work together. Generally, I do think we’d eventually move on or bury these feelings so far away that they wouldn’t be an issue; but working together makes it a really slow process. For now, I just try to go day by day thinking through it all and reminding myself about why we didn’t work. Reminding myself also that my feelings are important and I can’t just be there to take care of his guilt and his struggles. And, like you, I’m going to try to enjoy myself with my husband this Christmas, but I know I can’t entirely while this all weighs on me. I try not to beat myself up about it as I know it takes a long time to heal from these sorts of things. I just try to make slow progress towards closeness with my husband and it works a little. And I will try to make slow progress towards distance from my MM and this holiday time away is helping with that, too.

          • Lois

            Hey, Felk. I appreciate your insight on things and grateful your MM shared his feelings about the guilt because it makes sense. The MM in my told me he feels like a horrible father and husband because his wife seems to be making an effort. He said she changed after her last pregnancy but who wouldn’t after having triplets. My life changed after having twins. Yes he has 4 kids thus even more of reason why he can’t leave even if he wanted to. It would wreck their lives and I can’t and don’t expect him to. It just stinks because I really do have feelings for him. It’s sad but I was okay with being on side if it meant having him in my life. I know that sounds pathetic but he does seem to understand me. I may be wrong and he may really be narassastic. I do know there are times when he lies about things that he shouldn’t…one if those characteristics that I could not live with and have a long term relationship. I just like having the best of both worlds…yes it’s selfish. However, I know that I need to take use this time apart to put distance between us. I do take comfort in what you said and hope that my MM feels like your MM because it does make it sense and may help me through the tough road ahead. I’m going to put my efforts in making this holiday season a good one for my family. Merry Christmas. Thank you!

  • Lois

    Well so much for us ending things…we hooked back up again this evening. Yes I know but mmmm it was nice. He said it had been too long and how we did well for a few months. I told him that I did have feelings for him and he said you do know our situations are complicated. I told him that I was well aware and just because I have feelings doesn’t mean anything that Im not going to leave my situation nor do I expect him to. He said okay. I told him that I didn’t know where this left us that we would take one day at a time. Okay here’s the kicker…you remember me telling you about him bringing his bible to work. I got ready to leave his office after we had sex and there on the corner of his desk was his study bible. It actually kind of made me feel bad. I don’t know but it just didn’t set well with me. For someone who is overwhelmed with guilt because of church how could he mess around with me and see that lying on his desk. Any opinion on that one? I honestly don’t know what tomorrow or next week may bring but for that moment together I enjoyed it. I do know it’s only a matter of time and he will be overcome by guilt or so he says and my heart will be broken. I am hopeful and have learned from this past breakup that I can do the no contact. Each time, I go a little further and went 6 almost 7 days this time. It may not seem very long but it was the longest especially working together. His office is just 3 offices down the hall from mine so the,NC is brutal. However, I couldn’t have done it without all of your support. I will keep you posted. Sending lots of hugs, prayers and Christmas cheer your way!

  • Lifelessons

    Im so backwards…he just called and we talked for a little while. He said do you have to work tomorrow and I said no, im off all week. He said ok, tomorrow is a good day for me to see you…or is it ?! I said i have a few things to do he said what time i said well there is no set time. He said ok well I will be there around 9am, I will call you when I am on my way. I said ok like an idiot. Im so mad with myself for not saying NO you cannot come here to get a quick fix. Grrrrrrrr such an idiot and then I will feel some type of way…this is such a rollercoaster ride. One minute I want to figure out a way to break it off and the next minute I am having sexual urges/fantasies about him. Maybe he wont be able to come over tomorrow….

    • Lois

      Hey, Lifelessons. Unfortunately, it seems like all common sense leaves my mind and body when comes to MM. Why do we keep going back for more pain and disappointment? We both know that these MM are never going to change. Yet, we allow them to put us on an emotional roller-coaster. I mean we are the only ones who cannot stop it but we do not. Like you said, one minute I am doing the no contact while trying to suppress my feelings the next moment I have these sexual desires that will not get out of my head. I have read many posts and heard others talk about our situation being like a drug addiction and truly is because it seems to overpower my better judgement. Just know you are not alone in this mess. I am truly grateful for this site because it allows me to discuss my feelings without being judged. Keep me posted. Take care!

      • Hidden

        Hey Lois,
        I read your posts and could totally relate to your situation. I work with mm too. And am married with 2 young kids.

        I was dumped 2 days ago. After he decided I was putting him through too much emotional punishments. I have been going back and forth between hating myself for the many tantrums I’ve thrown, and hating him for dumping me right before he flew off for a grand family trip for 2 weeks.

        I’m going through hell now and had a bout of panic attack this morning. I really don’t know how else to seek solace. It feels like it will never get better. Especially when the new year starts and everyone will be back at work.

        • Lois

          Hey, Hidden. Sorry you going through…we can all relate to what you are going through and it sucks! How long have you been with MM? It doesn’t really matter how long because it hurts but I do think the longer it goes on the harder it is to let go. In my situation both he and i agreed and continue to agree that neither of us will leave our marriages. I know that sounds horrible but it is too complicated and neither of us want to hurt our kids. His situation is different because his wife’s family is out of state so she would move closer to them. It’s just not a good situation. Would you leave your husband for him? Are you sure he’s worth it? The MM in my life has ended things several times and it mentally and physically is painful and makes you feel like someone has knocked the breathe out of you. Its a gut wrenching feeling and you feel depressed. The last time he ended things was early November and I have been struggling. Last week, I started the no contact and have to admit it works the best for me. Unfortunately, I only lasted 6 days because he and I work together which makes it difficult. The first day or two was the worst but allowed the anger of dealing with the emotional rollcoaster to kind of turn myself against him. I did well until he and I bumped into each other. His smile melts my heart and unfortunately fell in love with him. Anyway, I think you need to figure out exactly what you want..? My email is riverrat1020@yahoo.com. please feel free to contact me. Sending prayers and hugs.

        • Lifelessons

          Hey Hidden,

          Are you open to therapy ? The panic attacks are not good. I want you to be healthy…I am amazed by these men! The nerve of him to break up with someone because of emotional punisent. It will not be easy to let go but you will have to eventually. One day at a time, one step at a time. Take the next two weeks to focus on you, reflect and revaluate the situation. Vent to us…we wont judge. Seek therapy (if youre interested). The ride is bumpy but you can do it!

  • LifeLessons

    I dont know what to do anymore….

    MM called me yesterday morning and we were both on our way to the same store. He walked by the car and waved at me and my youngest child of course she naturally waved back. Once her and I walked in to order our food, the young man who took my order said he paid for your food so I said O OK. MM walked over to us and began talking to my daugter. I said Thanks again for the food. He said no problem. He said well I am going to head out because I have to work today. I said ok.

    I text him around 9p and said hey are you still working…he calls me at 11 and he said he got off about 9p but they had to meet up with some friends at a restaurant i told him about. I was feeling some type of way about him going out with his own wife. He has not spoken about any negative things regarding her. Him and I havent been sexually active in over a month. I have so many mixed emotions…
    A part of me feels like I just want it to be over because i cant take all this talk about what him and her are up to and I remember him telling me that if she would just have sex with him he wouldnt even have to mess around. Im assuming since they are in a good place my needs cannot be met and that makes me feel used. I understand shes his wife and her needs are more important but I feel like he is keeping me around as the back up and I dont think I want to be around for that. The other part of me feels ok with us not having sex with one another, because it makes me feel better about myself. I dont feel as guilty about messing around with someones husband. However, emotionally the feelings are still growing. I cant understand why he has to talk to me every day. We are almost a year.in and I thought that would die down. I want to ask him what is his plan for me for us ??! I want to know if he want us to just be cool/cordial with one another ??? Our kids being friends, attending the same school, playing the same sports, and having classes together doesnt make me feel good about this ending. I have so much anxiety about how it will be for the next 3 yrs of them being in school together. Its high school so neither of us have to go to the school often but we will see each other because we live 5 minutes apart we go to the same local stores. This was a horrible situation to get in. I thought I had gotten pass the “making poor decisions” phase. It was not the best choice to get involved with a MM but to get involved with one that is so close….
    I never ever tell him how i feel about him because I dont think I should. However, he knows I dont feel really good about what we do…he is always making sure he tells me he is not a bad guy because I told him in the beginning before we had sex that this was the worse thing that I had ever done and he did not like that. I didnt mean any harm but it is. I have always been pretty good about not touching other peoples belongings without permission. It was something I learned as a child. At this point ladies…i am not sure what to do or how. Do I tell him how i feel so he at least is aware ? Do I just start NC without fair warning ? I wish I wasnt single…or at least had other guys to talk to…

    • Lois

      Hey. Lifelesson. My heart goes out to you because I understand all to well the situation you are in except I’m married. Unfortunately, it’s quite an emotional roller-coaster and agree with you about being raised to not touch others belongings. I still won’t get in my mom’s purse. Lol. Honestly, I don’t understand why he feels the need to tell you about their sex life and activities. Wow that’s daggers right to the heart! I couldn’t handle knowing. How would he feel if you would tell him stuff like that? I can guarantee he would not like it. If you decide to do NC, I was given advice from someone on this post that made sense…what’s the purpose of telling them you’re starting NC…just do it…you don’t need to give them explanation. He really doesn’t deserve it either. I’m like you and tired of the head games and emotional exhausted eith it all…part of me what’s to be free of it whIle the other part wants to be with him. The mm in my life would no way want me knowing or being around his wife and kids so I can’t imagine being in that situation. That makes it even more stressful. I would suggest you do what will make you feel better. If you think by telling him how you feel will make it easier to move on then do that. Just do what’s best for you and not worry about his feelings…I think we’ve worried too much and deserve to be happy. Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way. We aren’t bad people….just made a bad decision. Hang in there!

      • Lifelessons

        Lois,

        Thank you for your advice. It is so difficult! He came over earlier today and of course we had sex multiple times. He had to go to work so he took a small nap and I was watching him while he was asleep and I had so many thoughts racing through my head….How long can you do this, does he really like you/does it matter, is he just taking advantage of your vulnerability, you should start NC today, what do you really want…those were just some of my thoughts. He asked if I was picking the kids up today because he may not make it back home in time. Of course he called when he was on his way home.

        Unfortunately, im complacent with certain aspects of this and I know I need to do something different. I am 34 and I am still SINGLE, I tell myself that once I meet someone I will move on from the relationship with MM. There are moments where he make me feel special and alive and there are moments where i am sadden by the whole thing. I know I am repetitive…I have to come here to vent because I cant vent to many others. I made the mistake of telling a few people but I quickly shut that down by telling them I ended it. I have one girlfriend that knows the truth about him and I and she told me when I was ready to end things I will
        She said she will have the wine and tissues on standby.

        Thank for the prayers…I need it

        • Felk

          Hey Lifelessons, your friend is right. You will end it when you’re ready. I’ve gone through the whole debate of “you can’t give him up” to “you must give him up” and “I can’t keep doing this” and “I can’t stop doing this.” It’s so hard. We’ve been broken up for three months now but because we’re still friends, it’s not over for either of us. And we still debate what is best. Should we get back together? Should we stop being friends entirely? It’s all so hard. But I’m doing the best I can with a really hard situation. I think he and I are slowly figuring it all out. It’s hard. It’s painful. But we care about each other and we’re trying to respect that. I’m a MW so I’m in a different situation than you. If I were single, I don’t know if I’d think about it differently. I understand you asking how long you can do this. If you don’t think he’ll ever leave his wife, it would be hard to be in that affair for a long time. Not that I don’t understand why you’re in it. You know I do.

          • Lifelessons

            Felk,

            I am surprised you two have been able to remain friends and I can only imagine how difficult that was in the beginning. I can see the MM and i remaining friends because of the nature of our relationship and the fact that our kids are friends unfortunately his wife knows I am his friend and she is ok with us being friends. It makes me feel like a horrible individual everytime I think about how she says I am sweet and she appreciates me really helping them out. I mean she is getting me a gift for Christmas😩. I dont know how successful we would be at formulating a platonic friendship but I would be willing to try. I just dont want to deal with how akward it will be if we decide not to deal with each other at all. I think about what the kids will think, will his wife be suspicious as to why we dont speak anymore etc. We communicate about many different things, he has been honest with me from early on in the relationship and throughout. He is a cool dude. Honestly speaking he is one the coolest dude I ever met. I will continue to rely on this site as a resource. Thanks for your advice

          • Felk

            Hi Lifelessons, us being friends is really hard. It is likely us just holding onto our relationship and finding it difficult to let go. It’s also recognition that we work together and it would be impossible to have NC. So far, I guess it’s working okay in the sense that we haven’t “relapsed” back into a relationship (although we have spent time alone holding hands and talking about how our feelings for each other haven’t gone away), and in the sense that we haven’t quit the friendship completely (although that is constantly my fear… that he will decide this is too hard to be friends and he will say we can only communicate at work). It doesn’t seem that he wants to cut off contact, but I hate worrying about it. I wish I could not care, but being friends is keeping me caring. Right now, we’re off of work for the holidays and it’s mostly been easier to be away from him. But I still miss him and, as we are away, I worry that he will fall out of love with me. I know I should want that, but I don’t. And I know he won’t fall out of love with me across a couple of weeks, but I do worry he will decide distance is for the best. It all still makes me sad. I miss our relationship quite a bit, even if I know rationally that it wasn’t working for either one of us this past year. It had become too hard to be in love and be apart. Over five years, we let it get pretty far and we let it affect our marriages. I never did have the guilt about hurting his wife or his marriage, as you do. However, I also never expected him to leave his marriage and I always understood why he had to prioritize his family.
            I can’t really recommend anyone try a platonic relationship with their ex right away. It’s not a good idea for all the reasons people say. It’s too hard to be “just friends” when you still have feelings for each other. That is what we are struggling with right now. But, obviously, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I like that we are trying and that he is still in my life. I like knowing that he still cares about me and is still in love with me (he told me last week). Complicatedly, I try to accept that we’re over while still hoping we’ll get back together at some point in the future. It’s a mess. 🙂

  • Lois

    Unfortunately, I let my emotions get the best of me and sent him a text letting him that I really did miss him. He immediately responded which is out of the ordinary and said you sure about that. I responded yes and then he said it was tough judge because of my distance. He told me that he missed me too. The next thing I knew he made a sexual comment and before I knew we were flirting again. We flirted some through text on Friday..then he went MIA. I sent him another text asking if I’d said something wrong. He replied not all. I honestly don’t know where this leaves us because part of me just wants to forget that we’d flirted and go back to no contact. I’m tired of the emotional stress. It will be only a matter of time and will be hurt all over again. I maybe reading too much into his comments. I wasn’t the one who initiated the sexual comments. I just told him that I missed him. . So what do you think? I have to admit that I was kicking myself in the butt for texting him to begin with because I had gone 7 days. I’m just confused but so tired of the games. Thanks. Sorry to disappoint everyone and caved to my emotions.

    • Lifelessons

      Lois you are not disappointing us. We are not here to place judgement on you. We are all working through similar situations. I think you have to take this thing one day at a time. You have to try to stay strong and not give up. Do you want to play these games forever ? Do you want to have your emotions running wild ? Or do you want to be free from him and really move forward with your life. You may have to ask and answer these type of questions daily in order to remind yourself of your goal. Continue writing here for support!

      • Lois

        To be honest, there is a part of me who wants to be free from all of it but the other part desperately wants to be with him because the sexual desires. I truly do not get it because it’s not like the sex is spectacular because he does not last very long. I keep replaying what he said about feeling trapped and driving the wedge between him and his wife, but the desire to be with him is so strong that I push those thoughts to the side. I am feeling pathetic today because him and I are talked through chat today. Of course, I have to tell him how much I miss and want him…which irritates me that I even went there with him. I know, in my head that if were to have sex he would just go MIA for awhile then tell me the guilt ate him alive…blablahblah…and how church made him feel even worse. I have been down this road too many times and know better. So, yes, I am kicking myself in the butt for breaking the no contact because now, I have to get these suppressed again…when will I learn enough is enough!

  • Lois

    Ugh…today is day 7 of NC. There is a part of me that wants to reach out to him but the other part says HELL NO! This is longest we have made it through NC; usually by now I would have caved and contacted him to say how much I miss him. For the life of me, I just cannot get passed him telling me that he felt trapped and the wedge it caused between him and his wife. I asked everyone today who I work with if they needed lunch while I was out and did not ask him…of course, I felt badly for doing that but I just cannot speak with him right now. It’s hard to even make eye contact with him. When I let myself have feelings for someone, I do so with all my heart so it is really hard to let go and build up that wall. Yesterday, he replied to a couple of emails that he really did not have to which made wonder if he was missing me. Today, I emailed him a schedule and heard nothing back, so maybe I just read more into things yesterday. I miss him but need to be strong and think of how far that I have come. Even if, I did reach out to him, it does not mean he will respond like I want him to, so I am just setting myself up to be hurt all over again and have to start NC from day one again. I just cannot do it!

    • Felk

      You’ll drive yourself crazy with the “is he thinking about me?” or “does he miss me?” thoughts. The answer is “yes.” If you are fresh off a break-up, even if he was the one to end it, he is missing you. I went through all of this right after the break up (and, still, I think about whether or not he’s thinking about me today… he is). I obsessively wondered if he was missing me as much as I was missing him. I wanted him to. It seemed like it would hurt less if I knew he was missing me, too, but does it? Maybe it would be easier to get over if we knew they were moving on and not thinking about us? Best thing you can do is NC. That’s how you will move on.

      • LifeLessons

        Lois,

        Stay strong! One day at a time…you can do it! Start a journal, if you havent already. I cannot remember from previous posts if you are married or not but counseling is a good resource for moving forward. If you are married you may have to explain that to your spouse but it can be extremely beneficial. Continue reaching out through this site, it helps! Ive been writing I dont get a lot feeback but just reading other people comments and stories are helpful.

      • Lois

        Hey, Felk. Thanks for your response. Although I did weaken, you’re right about driving myself crazy wondering if he misses me or not. Unfortunately, he did tell me that he missed me too but don’t really know if it’s true. I was on day 7 of NC and now feel right back to square one and will have to start all over again. I’m kind of dreading tomorrow because it’s hard working with him. Part of me hopes he will want to be with me again and the other part was to be free of it the emotional stress. Ugh…I shouldn’t have contacted him but I did so I can only blame myself.

        • Felk

          Hi Lois, I’ve gone back and forth on the I should/I shouldn’t contact him stuff, too. I’ve sent him a text and then berated myself immediately after for sending it. I’ve sent him e-mail and then immediately regretted it. But, I’ve also sent text and e-mails and haven’t regretted it. And it’s all part of the healing process because I’m doing what I need to do. I try not to beat myself up too much for doing the best I can to move forward (whatever that means for me). As you know, I’m trying to be friends with my MM and it’s complicated. So, I understand the process is different from everyone. If you really believe you shouldn’t have contacted him, then try to learn from it and start over with NC and try to go even longer this time. You know I work with my MM, too, and it’s really hard to see this person or just know he’s nearby. It sparks all the thoughts and feelings (and it does it for him, too). Maybe with the holidays coming up you’ll have some extra time off work? I hope so. That will help with the separation and NC.

      • Hidden

        You reply gave me strength. I’m going through a terrible post break up with mm. If you would be kind enough to let me reach out to you via email or any other form? Mm dumped me on Sunday. He said that was the final straw after we broke up 7 times before that (all initiated by me cause I couldn’t come to terms to being second to his life, thus the contestant emotional break down and arguements). We haven’t contacted since Sunday. And his last message to me (after I told him I understand why he was breaking up with me) was that he will always love me. But honestly, that just made the healing process even harder.

        • Felk

          Hi Hidden, The hardest part is the first few weeks. It’s going to be excruciating. I don’t think it helps much to know that, but you will get past it. Things will get better. But it will be really painful and really hard at first. It sounds like you know, with the seven breakups, that this relationship with the MM was not good for you. It sounds like it was already too hard and you knew (deep down) you needed to end it. Being second is really hard, and that’s all we can expect to be with a MM. I understand why you wanted to leave. As best you can, try to stick to NC. Every day is really hard in the beginning. I had days where I could think of nothing else. I would lie on my couch and just think about how much I missed him and the void I felt. It was physically painful. I was nauseated, I had back pain, and I felt numb to happiness. But it got better. It’s three months later now, and I feel so much better. There are still ups and downs because we work together and we are friends, but time away is what helped me most. So, take advantage if you have time away now for the holidays. Take advantage of this break and distance. Time and distance are what heals. And I don’t want to make it sound easy. It’s horribly hard. It’s still hard for me, but be compassionate to yourself. Let yourself be sad. But be honest with yourself, too, about why the relationship wasn’t working and why you ended it so many times. Being honest is what helped me the most. Being honest about how our relationship wasn’t working for either of us anymore. We wanted more but neither one of us was ready to leave our marriages so it was too hard to want each other and not be able to have it. I also journal about it a lot. That helps me, too. And I use the Mend App on my phone. That has helped. One day at a time. It will get better.

          • Hidden

            I woke up this morning with a crazily strong desire to contact him. I have since deleted his number (doesn’t help much since I have already memorized it) but was so tempted to add it back onto the phone book just to see if he is online on WhatsApp.im so so screwed.

            I kept thinking if he misses me and is hurting tight now too. I know this is bad for myself and I kept telling myself that whatever has happened, it’s all in the past. What he is feeling or doing right now, doesn’t affect me anymore. As much as I want to convince myself..it’s just not working out. 🙁

  • LifeLessons

    This is the weirdest situation that I have ever been in. I know you all may judge me a little, i am judging myself! Last night our sons had a sporting event and neither of us was there but his wife was able to attend the game. My child called and said oh his mom dropped me off…which means she knows where I live!!
    He calls and says you wasnt at the game so she took your child home and I said yes I know. He said he knew I wasnt going to be there because he knows i have a different activity I attend with my younger child. I said boy oh boy how akward will this be when this is over…I said I will still have to see you all. He said well you dont have to see us and I said but of course I do for the next few years and he says well I guess that means you and I will make it work for the next few years. I said you really are something else, I said I just dont know how to feel about the fact that she thinks I am this sweet girl who helps them out time to time with their kid. He has told me she says I am a nice sweet person…I said I am not a nice person he says yes you are! He said do you think we can combine our gifts for you for Christmas and I laughed, he said seriously…she is going to send me out to pick up a gift for you because you help us out. I said I dont want to take a gift from her, i feel bad enough on the inside! He said well she should be thanking you forreal! His phone started breaking up so who knows what he was saying. We havent had sex in a month but talking to each other daily is not good, its becoming an emotional attachment which is not good for me. How in the hell am i going to get out of this with him and his family ? If we stop, will the kids sense the tension, will his wife notice something because she knows we talk?
    I love talking to him, he makes me laugh and we talk about life, kids, work, relationships etc..so its confusing because on one hand hes a good buddy to talk to, and on the other hand hes having an affair with me. Ehhh…this is such a horrible thing I have gotten myself involved in…I want to let go but then I dont because I dont want to feel lonely. This is so desperate of me to actually continue to deal with someone elses husband…I am so embarrassed of myself! Grrrrr….what do i do ladies ???

  • Ash

    Hello ladies, I just have to tell someone, who won’t judge, this is why I am here. I prayed, and repented, but my hearts still aches. I was in a relationship with mm for over 6 months. We are both 38 and I am married also. I have good marriage, he is too, just something got missing and we both ran into each others arms (unfortunatelly). Our families were close to each other, and we were good friends. Both of us have the same personalities just like our spouses are alike aslo. I was having problems in my marriage, and he was also, and here we go. I am so mad at myself for allowing it to happen, but whats done is done. We are very emotionally close, or I should say we were, because I let go 4 days ago. We did have physical relationship also, which every time will make him feel quilty (I was feeling guilt too, but I am so in love with him that this feeling I just shut off). He will start hiding from me, stop communicating, etc. I tried to let go, and he did too, and every time he will want back, and I did take him back (an idiot in love I am). This last time I had enough. We did talk and depart friends, but I know that it is no friendship possible between us. We are attracted to each other like crazy, our brains fall out when we are together alone. So I know I lost a friend. I am hurting emotionally and physically, like some heavy weight just laying on my chest. I am very ashamed of what I have done, I believe in God, and I am crying to Him every day, every minute. I think I am going through withdrawals like an addict. I do feel good, and all of a sudden this pain hits me, so I go to my closet, and just cry like crazy.
    I have to face him 2 times a week. I can try and get out of one time, but still have to see him. I am not showing my emotions, and always with a smile on my face, but it does hurt. I am trying to focus on my husband, and kids, and other things I love to do, but I do still let thoughts about him to creep into my mind. He did tell me that he will be waiting for time in our lives when we can be together, that I am the love of his life till his last breath. The funny thing is that I do believe him, but I do know that we cannot live double lives, and distroy our families, lie to our spouses, children, ruin our souls. I know the decision is right. He agreed to cut contact as much as possible, except these 2 days a week. We stopped texting, calling. I am hurting, and I am crying. I mis him very much, especially our emotional closeness that I havent had with any other man in my life. I do believe it will get better. I am praying it will happen very soon because sometimes this pain feels unbearable. I am emotionally exausted, but I am looking forward to healing. No one knows about us, but I am hurting so much, I needed to talk to someone and found this forum. I dont want to be judged, I am doing it to myself already, I know that wht I did is wrong in so many ways. Thank you all for your thoughts and stories, they did help me. I pray for healing and peace. I will be thankful for any word of encouragement, I really need it.

    • LifeLessons

      Hey Ash!

      Its not an easy situation to deal with. Try not to beat yourself up too much. You are human and we all make mistakes, or bad choices. Im sure it hurts and it will take time to heal from this but you are trying to move in the right direction. Have you sought out any type of therapy or marriage counseling for you and your husband ? I am not married so I cannot relate in the manner but I can only imagine how challenging it must be. Both of you are lacking something in your marriages and you need to figure out what that is so you can communicate with your spouses and move forward. I thought it was hard for me being single and dealing with a MM but im realizing that no matter what its a tough situation to be in. You have to keep your focus on your kids and your husband. Being on this site has made me think a lot. I didnt realize so many people were dealing with this. I often wonder if people marry the wrong person or are men and women just selfish…I have never been married so i dont know. There is so much infidelity in the world that it makes me wonder about marriage. However, for you if you love yourself you will let this affair go and really dig deep to figure out what youre looking for and tell your husband what you need so he can provide it for you and if you realize he cant then you may need to move forward. You are strong and you can get through this youre a woman you were born strong and never forget that. If you pray, pray about this and take it one day at a time.

  • J

    Hello everyone,
    Well my rollercoaster continues. I’m so confused I no longer even know what to think. My mm begged me to still communicate with him after 10 days of no contact and him driving to my home and work. Kissed and hugged me, said he can’t resist me even though god wants him to work on his marriage. Then told me things have to be different and he can’t keep putting me first, which is news to me because I haven’t felt first in a year. He’s been on wife non stop to lose weight, hoping he will become attracted to her. Told me he attempted sex with her for a second time (after 3 years of no sex supposedly). Said he couldn’t stay erect at all. So he gave her oral sex, which seems very odd to me. Would a man who isn’t attracted to his wife give her oral sex. I just don’t know what to believe anymore. Then I went away over the weekend with another man and he pretty much went crazy with jealousy. Non stop questions asking me if I had sex with the other guy. Admitted he was in a jealous rage and suddenly needed to be with me again. Now he’s asking me to go to a hotel with him again this weekend. I don’t think I want to after he was with his wife because it truly makes me sick to my stomach. He also has told me that he still wants to make his marriage work but can’t live with out me. In the same conversation he asked me to go to a hotel room and later told me he’s taking a class with his wife to get closer to her. I asked him not to do that and he just said sorry, then was sure to tell me he made this arrangement with his wife during the no contact period when I was ignoring him. Trying to punish me? He changes what he says everyday. Pushes me away and then wants me back. Is it all a manipulation to keep me around as his back up plan? Is he truly a narcissist? Does a man who is really so not attracted to his wife really give her oral sex? I asked him if he liked it and he said it was ok but was nothing in comparison to being with me. I’m so confused? Would it be absolutely ridiculous and degrading myself if I go with him to a hotel room? It was bad enough before when he was telling me our relationship was going somewhere and we’d eventually be together. But now I’m supposed to continue seeing him while he’s supposedly working on his marriage??!! Please help! Any words of advice, thoughts or opinions will really help.

    • LifeLessons

      J, its amazing how these men confide in us and give us details that we could go without. The nerve of him to inform you of sexual acts he perform on his wife. I think you have to make a decision about whether or not you can tolerate him working on his marriage and seeing you at the same time. As far going to the hotel of course its not the best thing to do if you are trying to get out of this but if you do you are human so dont be yourself up too much. Its not easy to break things off but you can do it if you really want to. I just cant believe he gave you details of their sexcapade. How insensitive. He may honestly care for you but he is not willing to make a committment to you. I think men try their hand and they see what they can get away. The MM im seeing told me that men ride it until the wheels fall off which means he will go with this for as long as you will so you have to decide what you want to do and all of us are here to suppsort you as you figure it out.

    • cjay

      J, please do not meet MM for sex at a hotel (or anywhere). Respect yourself and remind him of his commitment to his marriage. I can’t believe he thinks discussing sex with his wife is appropriate. The class they are going to take is supposed to make them closer physically and emotionally. He cannot focus on his marriage and have sex with someone other than his spouse. Do not let him manipulate and confuse you. Stay strong. Remind him that he’s committed to staying with his wife. His actions and words need to reflect that commitment.

      You didn’t comment on your feelings about the other guy. I’m assuming he is single. No judgement from me if he’s not :). Did you enjoy time spent away from MM?

    • Lois

      WOW, J. I am not sure what to say except I can understand why you are so confused. As you know, the MM in my life uses his relationship with GOD as an excuse and now says he needs to honor his wife’s efforts in changing, so he could not be with me anymore. Oh and do not forget that I have driven a wedge between them. Although, he has never came right out and said they do not have sex he has made comments about not being to last long because it has a long time. WHATEVER…it is one lie after another, so I do not know what to believe. Honestly, I would not go with him to a hotel after telling me he gave his wife oral sex…to know where his mouth has been kind is repulsive. I cannot believe he would tell you something like that…talk about daggers to the heart. At one point, I was willing to wait on the side to see if MM could repair his marriage but after this last time and things he said about feeling trapped, I do not think so anymore. It has been 6 days of NC and my eyes have opened to many things. I am so tired of the emotional rollercoaster. I truly want to be free of it. If they want to fix their marriages, I say let them. I do not know about you but for me, I was the one who was at his beckon call, brought him candy, sent him flattering messages, and I can count one hand the number of compliments he gave me over the last year and half. Trust me, I did more for him than he did for me. Is he worth the drama and heartache? Even if you did go with him to the hotel, the next day or next week he will ignore you and go right back to the same old excuses. You have come to far to let him weasel his way back in. We all deserve better! It’s not easy because we have feelings for these men; but what about our feelings should not they be considered. Of course, it is always easier said than done. I know, I have been down this road too many times. Sending prayers. Please keep me posted. My personal email is riverrat1970@yahoo.com. Feel free to contact me.

    • Lara

      J, never assume you are weak because you fell off the “no contact wagon”. nothing could be farther from the truth. You are strong as hell because you tried no contact! And you made it work for many days! Bravo! Many of us have to try No Contact many many many times before we can get it to work. Yes the first time NC is shocking and awful and we miss them with our entire being and can barely breathe without them. and so many of us go back. But each time of NC does get easier I promise! But their shitty treatment of us rarely changes! They go on treating us like second class citizens while we love them back with all our hearts. Most of these men are emotionally sick (narcissists or other illnesses) and we let them hurt us. We don’t do it consciously but in the end we let them because somehow this feels familiar to us. Now, only we can stop the pain and no one else. I have been thru it so many times. But I am free at last from my Mm! many of these men treat us in very neglectful and disrespectful ways. And we take it because we, too, are emotionally unwell. We might be love addicts or we might be co-dependent or we might be depressed and anxious after a major life event or we might have low self esteem in general or maybe we were abused a children…..But a healthy and strong woman would never be in our shoes. She would not let herself get caught up in some else’s problems like this this, someone else’s mess. We mistresses are used to the abuse from somewhere else in our lives. So we “match” with these men wherever they are. We have “chemistry” with them. But we CAN get out! And so can you! Expect to need some outside support, a therapist and perhaps medications…a 12 step group if needed. We do not need to stay forever prisoners in someone else’s marriage…someone else’s mess! Let your mm figure his own problems out! It it not our job to fix these guys or their relationships with thei wives. That is THEIR job. Our job is figuring out how to live OUR own lives with or more likely, without them! The way I finally left it with my MM is this: ” yes I do love you and did for many years but now I am sick and tired of being number two in your life. My love for you is not enough of a force to mak everything right. Go home and figure out your own mess! Stop dragging me into your mess! If you ever become single and you feel like contacting as a single man, a free and clear and available man, then you know how to reach me. Until then I am going on with my own life! I deserve so much better than this. And ps no we can not be friends…..as you know, we have tried that over and over and it does not work for us.” Good luck j I am rooting for you and for all of us here on this board!

    • Hope

      Hi J,
      Just wanted to check how everything is going and that you are doing well. Hope things have improved for you and that you have lot more smiles over this holiday season. Take care.
      Hope xxx

  • Lois

    Sorry, I keep posting but have found it to be helpful as I struggle with letting go of MM. It’s day 6 of NC. Although I do miss him, my emotions are kind of numb. I have included him on a couple of emails that were strictly work-related and he has responded only to me; thank you; thanks for keeping me in the loop, etc. on things he does not necessarily need to respond. I am not sure if it’s way of reaching out or what but the old me would have replied your welcome…no problem or something but not this time. As I posted, I have bumped into him a few times in the hall but never made eye contact and he never spoke. Today, he walked passed and sort of glanced up…he smiled and said good morning. I told him last week that even his smile melted my heart, thus, we needed to have no contact. Maybe I am thinking too much but seems like his settle way to have some kind of communication. What do you think? am I overthinking it? Either way, I do not plan to have any communication with him. This is what he wanted and cannot get passed him telling how trapped he felt at times. Just needed to vent, so thanks for listening. I am so looking forward to these feelings going away.

    • Felk

      Hi Lois, No apologies for posting here. That’s why we all post here… to feel understood, to know others have experienced the same thing, to try to figure out what we’re feeling and thinking, to try to figure out what he’s thinking and feeling, and, most, to just give us a place to vent and write and think and feel and distract ourselves from the obsession of him. Kudos to you, really, for 6 days of NC and I know how hard that is when you work with someone. Hard to know if his replies to you are a subtle way of getting a little contact with you, but, probably. If he doesn’t have to respond to the e-mail, then it’s probably just a little way for him to feel close to you. No matter how much we want to be mad at them (and sometimes they deserve our anger) they’re often hurting, too, when the relationship ends (even if they chose to end it). You’re doing the right thing with no contact, though, if you want to be done feeling the awful/hard/miserable/excruciating/obsessive stuff that we’ve all felt. Space is the best thing for the both of you. I really do believe that, even if you’re to be civil and friendly again at work, you need space to get over the intense feelings. Keep reminding yourself that he said he felt trapped. He meant it. And he didn’t mean it as a knock on you. It was the situation, but if the situation wasn’t changing, then he was still going to feel trapped. For me, I remind myself of my MM telling me multiple times, in the months before we ended, how he felt he had no choice but to continue and he felt resigned to our situation. Really romantic, huh? He was so worn out trying to be present in his marriage and be present for me, but he felt he couldn’t leave either (especially because he has two children). While I didn’t want him to leave me, I also didn’t want him to stay with me because he didn’t know how to leave. I wanted him to be with me because he wanted to be with me, not because he didn’t know how not to be with me. I don’t know if that makes sense, but at some point several months ago, it felt like he stopped choosing us and started feeling trapped. I know he still loves me. Maybe that makes it easier. Maybe that makes it harder. I don’t know. But I know that he did the right thing by ending it. He was worn out, and his struggle with us wasn’t making me feel very good.

      • Lois

        Thanks, Felk. I really appreciate your support and response. I am going on day 7 of NC and it has been tough especially on his birthday. I just keep replaying what he said about feeling trapped in my mind. During all of this chaos, my friend passed away from cancer, so it has been an emotional week for many reasons. My hurt is nothing compared to the hurt my friend’s family is feeling right now. To be honest, I am not too sure he really has feelings for me other than filling his sexual void. Last week was the first time, he told me in a chat that he had feelings for me greater than just caring. I replied really and he said well I thought you knew how I felt. His actions never showed it. I always had to initiate the conversation and our sexual times together because I think he liked the teasing that led up to the sex. Reflecting upon things, I always made sure his needs were met but never mine…almost one time it lasted longer and came to close to climax but other than that it was always wam…bam. Sorry for too much information. I am just trying to wrap my head around things and sort through things reality. I enjoyed the chase, the passion and excitement of being sneaking around closed doors but in the end it was never going anywhere. I did not have any intention of leaving my family nor did he. So, I take it one day at time and come to realize “It is what it is”. Hell yes it hurts and it’s a struggle. I am trying to move on and get past these feelings. Thanks again!!

        • Felk

          Hi Lois, I definitely know how other issues with family and friends can make our stress worse through all of this. And I also know that we try to put our pain in perspective thinking about what others, in much harder situations, must be going through; but it’s fair to say your pain is real and hard. A break-up can be as devastating for people as the loss of a family member. Obviously, I don’t mean to minimize your friend’s situation, but I mean to say your pain is real and bad, too. It’s not self-pity when we feel bad about our terrible situation. It’s a terrible situation. We lost a relationship that we valued and that gave us joy. We’re allowed to feel awful and for a while. I’m glad you got to hear that he had feelings for you beyond caring. I’m also sorry that you didn’t know until recently. That has to be hard to hear as you’re trying to move past him. As far as the sexual stuff, no worries about TMI. We’re adults and we have sex! I don’t know if he was selfish in bed or if its more how women and men are taught, and how women are taught to care about men’s pleasure and men are taught to care about men’s pleasure. I can tell you that my MM cared so much about my orgasm that he started to make me feel inadequate when it didn’t happen. He started to ask me what was wrong (um, nothing, it’s just harder for women to orgasm during sex… that’s science) and it made me feel bad and made it more difficult for it to happen as I got all in my head about it. But it’s selfish of him, right? It’s about him and how it made him feel to make me orgasm. Ugh. And, like you, I almost always was the one to initiate conversation and plans. It was frustrating, but he struggled more with the affair than I did. He has kids. I don’t. He had more responsibilities than me so it was easier for me to plan. Did I wish he planned more? Sure. But did I know what I was signing up for?
          Yes. And, I don’t want to talk bad about him. He’s a good guy. I mean that. It’s not delusional or rose-colored anything. We both did our best in a really hard situation. I’m guessing the same for your MM, too. For me, it makes it a little easier to recognize we both tried our best. It makes me regret less or want to push less for a reunion. We did our best and it didn’t work. And before you think I sound all calm and reasonable about it, I’ve spent most of the day nauseated missing him. So, still trying to move on and it’s a slow process, but it really is happening. Three months post break-up I feel A LOT better. Like you, I never intended to leave my marriage so I also reflect on how lucky I am that I wasn’t caught. We get caught up in the excitement and passion and we’re willing to give up anything for it. It’s short-sighted and there could have been lasting damage to my marriage, and I got lucky. Thank you for keeping writing here. It helps me, too.

  • Lois

    Hello everyone. It’s been 5 days of NC. I’m actually proud of myself for not caving yesterday to tell MM happy birthday. I have been tempted several times and would compose a text then delete it. I just cant get past him telling me how he felt trapped and how the affair drove a wedge between him and his wife. He told me numerous times that the guilt felt was for the kids not his wife. So, I was a little confused. He still continues to bring his study bible to work and lay it on his desk. I don’t think he opens it…just seems for show or maybe it’s their to remind him to ignore the temptations. I’m really clueless on his motives. I confided in a friend who is a counselor and she basically said the same as all of you. Sounds like a narassist and not to let him manipulate that this has been all my fault. She said he wants to blame me for his actions and only he can control what he does and doesn’t do. She said it’s an addiction and treat it like one. I’m taking one day at a time so hoping for day 6 of NC. I really am trying. It’s not easy because I miss the bantering but not the emotional rollcoaster. I have seen him several times but don’t make eye contact. It’s hard but I’m stubborn. Hope all of you are doing well. Thanks for listening. I will keep you posted.

  • Lois

    Ugh, I am struggling today! I bumped into MM in the hall and did not even make eye contact. I looked down at the floor. Then, I walked passed his office and sure enough there lies his Bible on his desk. Do you think it’s for me and others to see? Or is it for himself, so he does not backslide? He may be full of crap about the church and religion thing…he may attend but that does not mean is spiritual. My friend told me he attended church during the time he had an affair with her…but did not use that as the excuse it was always the guilt about his kids. I think the church excuse is for my benefit because he knows it bothers me. I just want to be free of the emotions and want the desire to be gone! Today is his birthday and do not plan on saying a word about it. I thought about him over the weekend but not like before it was more that I felt pity for his family. He has had two affairs in the last 5 years that I know of, so how many more has he had that no one knows about? I know he was very flirtatious with an instructor who told me one night at happy hour that he had told her how bad things were at home, so i often worried if they did not hook up. Thus, another reason I would never have a relationship with this guy because I could not trust him. Before this affair, I had been with the same man for 30 years and have no desire to get involved with anyone again. So it blows my mind that he did again with me after ending it with my coworker. There just seems to be a pattern and do not think he can stay faithful to his wife. Just keep me in your prayers as I struggle today to keep my distance. It is has been 3 days of NC and plan on making it 4!!! I am taking one day at a time. Thanks

  • Lois

    It’s me again. First, I would like to let foreverwaiting that I met MM wife today at Christmas play. It was by accident but she was very friendly…not like I thought. I actually felt horrible and felt badly for you because she is married to a real pig. I went to this Christmas play and bought seats. You are not going to believe who set in the row directly in front of me….MM and 3 of his kids. We didn’t even make eye contact. He was probably squirming in his seat. I hope the guilt truly hit him like he claims. I did very well and have surprised myself as to well I’m handling it. Like I said, I felt more sorrow for his wife who doesn’t have a clue. I don’t wish bad things on anyone. I truly hope he’s not the pig that I believe he is and he’s trying to do right by his family. I just don’t know but for his kids I hope it’s the truth. I also hope the way I feel right now continues because I just feel numb and pity for his wife.

    • Thistooshallpass

      Lois,
      My heart goes out to you. You have a lot of fortitude and the story above is a testament to your strength. I would’ve run out of there like a crazy person.

      Perhaps this is a sign from above to remind yourself that he is unavailable. If it keeps you away from him please keep this memory in the forefront of your mind. When you feel somber think about a daughter, sister or best friend in a similar relationship. What would you implore them to do? What would you want for them? Love yourself as you love others.

      If you need closure please identify a way to attain that. Write a goodbye letter and don’t send. If you need to speak with him and say goodbye do it now and close the door permanently. I have not spoken to mine since last Wed when we parted ways. I will tell you that I felt some semblance of closure but not entirely. Endings aren’t pleasant even if it’s somewhat amicable. They are riddled with painful emotions thus you never walk away feeling like everything was said as intended. There’s still so much confusion, angst and doubt. Anyhow, I’ve resigned to the fact that I have to let go on my own. I have to figure out my own salvation and I will as will you.

      I wish all the wonderful contributors here a wonderful holiday season whatever you celebrate.

      • Lois

        Thisshallpasstoo, I sincerely appreciate your kind words and suggestions. I’m actually proud of myself for not caving today. Normally, I would have apologized for the award situation and told him how badly i felt for putting him in that situation even though it was by accident. I didn’t this time. It’s his birthday party and it was a struggle but didn’t speak a word or even make eye contsct. This is what he wanted…to end things. So I’m doing just that leaving him alone and moving on. Truth be known, it probably didn’t even bother him that I was distant because it’s what he wanted. It most likely bothered me more. Oh well. It’S day 4 of no contact and hopeful tomorrow will be less of a struggle. Please continue to keep me in your prayers!

    • ForeverWaiting

      Hi Lois!

      I realise all the notifications have suddenly been going to my junk and not my inbox…and thought everyone had got busy over December…and now I’m way behind!

      Firstly thanks for the original reply to my last message to you. It’s important for me to remember that like myself when I first started in the ‘affair’ that we all have reasons for ‘falling’ into them, life is complex, confusing and scary sometimes. Emotions control us and we feel trapped. But all have reasons still to leave our relationships. Your husband is guilt tripping you like all 3 long term partners of mine did (and all 3 were violent). The guy I was with for 6 years sounds like your hubby minus the kids, no friends and also no family here (they lived in NZ, so the other side of the world and he didn’t speak to them), he threatened to kill himself as did the last bf if I left him. But I had too. Both are alive and kicking today with new partners, it’s all threats and you must realise you are not responsible for your husbands happiness, he needs to find his own friends just like you etc and he is not you child under the age of 16. He is an adult.

      Anyway, reply to the above – this is how I expect my ex-AM gf of 15 years to be, probably such a nice person who is I can only guess down-trodden and probably the ‘witch’ they make out to be, who have stand up for themselves constantly to these pigs as you so well put it.
      An amazing lady who I spoke to on here from last September and helped me through the first 8 months who directed me towards the Narcissist sites and gave me the strength said her MM and his wife worked where she did at the same company. She said that is wasn’t until the MM didn’t leave when he said he would (after almost 5 years, it put her into shock) and she started to move on, he left the company, she would see his sad, dishevelled and tired looking wife turn up at the office, this once confident well respected women she first met 10 years previous whom she used to be jealous of was was actually a shadow of her former self.
      She then said that she realised this MM she thought of as an amazing man who moaned about his wife wasn’t so great afterall had probably treated this poor wonderful woman so badly she had been trodden on until there was nothing left, and it was so obvious when she turned up each day. But during the last 5 years, as she was having an affair with her husband, she didn’t notice. There are always 2 sides to a story.
      My ex AM made me think his gf was a nasty piece of work, a narc herself, a controlling horrible women fuelled with issues. In fact, this supposedly horrible woman he lived with ran his company alone in a warehouse (at first), looked after his baby AND his teenager from his previous marriage whilst he spent time with ME and he worked LONG hours 70 miles away daily, ran their HUGE home, put up with HIM (he was an arsehole to me sometimes, silent treatment, controlling, got VERY angry – I dread to think how he treated her full time as I only spent a few short evenings with him in the week – no wonder the poor woman had a short fuse and was defensive, he was horrible!).

      So yes feel pity – and no he doesn’t feel guilty- and even if he did – he isn’t doing anything about it. these men don’t want to get caught, that’s all it’s about!
      I still feel awful for his girlfriend, not him. She is going about her life thinking all has been fine after their crappy break-up in 2010 (within 1 week after about 6 years together he was shagging some woman at work, she found out a year later which wasn’t great). But they sorted things out and had a baby. When the baby was 11 months old we started an affair…..he was the biggest liar on earth. 5 years on he is playing the family life like I never existed. He used to go MAD saying he’d prove to me he IS leaving and he WILL prove it. Well….here I am 17 months going NC….(until recently). Hahaha well I wish I listened to my friends…but they are very good manipulators and love to use us to feel better about themselves. What a waste of my precious time!

      Anyway – yep poor wife! I wish for her to be set free to be allowed to find a man that will truly love her, to commit to her fully, 100% and be true.

      Lois, I hope you are OK and had a lovely Xmas. I have had the flu and a chest infection for 4 weeks and my elderly and ill parents came to stay. I now have some time to catch up on all the messages here!. Merry Xmas and a happy and hopefully better 2018.

  • Lost In Love...

    My Trauma started 32 yrs ago, I was 23 He was 29 and a state police officer I was a dispatcher both different agencies, It was love at first site for both of us, we were both married to others. we started an affair in 1985 about 1 yr after we met, that has lasted on and off for 32 yrs now. he would come visit and talk with me, I knew he was interested in me and I loved it he was so tall and handsome, In Oct 1985 he found out I was separated, that same night he came looking from me at the Police dept, so after work at midnight I went out riding with him, my life changed that night forever, even though my husband and I got back together a few months later, we continued our affair until Aug 1988 when he transferred to a different city and did’nt tell me, I wondered why he had not called me so I called his sub station and found out he had transferred I was so heart broken, and devastated he had always treated me like a queen we never had not 1 disagreement, he was always so sweet with me, we got a long so well and had so much fun together. my husband always had girlfriends and 2 children with other women while i was married to him, and was very abusive, so this man was the best thing that had ever come into my life, while my husband was busy taking care of his girlfriends this man took care of all my wants and needs and taught me about love, I never had with my husband.

    So 4 years later in 1992 I get a phone call from MM at work, he had called a friend of mine at her work and asked her for my work number which she gave him, he wanted and begged to see me and I said I could’nt because that was really the only year my husband and I were doing good and getting along, so I refused but we exchanged numbers and kept in touch. Now its May 1996 my husband moves out with his new girlfriend and it just so happened that my MM called me that same week, said he wanted to see me and if I would go meet him in his hotel for the night, I could not resist the offer I missed him so much and still loved him we had the best night, after that we still kept in touch my husband and I divorced in 1999, which I did see my MM 1 time in 1999, then again he transferred and did’nt tell me, we lost contact again, and for 18 years I new nothing of him, I was busy raising my kids working 2 jobs and helping with grand kids and yes he was a daily thought of mine, I still loved him and missed him but went on with my life, So in July 2017, he finds me again on FB, I wake up that morning and I’m shocked but not surprised that he has found me again, we talk without seeing each other, we decided that we would wait until Oct 23 which would be 32 yrs ago that we had our first date to see each other, by now were both still in love, we talk almost every day, and finally after 18 years were back in bed together, we spend the whole day together and enjoy each other, I’m still single and he is still married to the same women. I’m now 55 and he is 62 and boy what I would do to make him mine, I love him so much and he is still the most handsome man I’ve ever laid eyes on, but things have changed even with all this new technology, I cant call him, I cant text him and can only respond when he has time to talk, if he wants to tell me something but I cant respond he puts DNA on the text, do not answer.. He’s not so sweet anymore, he no longer treats me like a queen, I’m not a priority, he says i’m so busy I don’t know when I can see you again, especially during the holidays, i’m like wait a min, if you love someone you want to spend time with that person especially during the holidays, he says we have to plan and I’m like “you have to plan not me,” I can see you anytime, so needless to say I’ve only seen him 2 times to this date, I’m now on anxiety medication, cant sleep at night and having a hard time dealing with not being able to see him as much as he promised he would see me, want so bad to move on, but so afraid to loose him again, I’m afraid if I loose him this time it might be forever, life is to short…

    • Jazzman

      Hi Lost in Love… Your situation is much more complex. But the basics are the same as all of us here. In love with a MM. Cannot be with him. He says he loves you too. This can go on for years and decades even, as is evident by your case. Have you seeked out therapy for this? How can this man give you anything? Are you willing to live on crumbs for the rest of your life? Is being handsome and charming everything to you? How about honesty and integrity. Is that important?

      You can still live a decent life from here on, if you cut contact with this man. If you still want to live a decent life. You could still meet someone else. So what if they are not as good looking. Looks are not the judge of anyone’s character. Only judge people by their action. Not by their words, their looks, their status nothing. I want you to know that what you are going through a lot of us have been through. We are all trying to help each other out to live better more humane lives. I wish the same for you!. He is obviously not going to leave his wife. I think he has made that clear in the decades you have known him. Even if he does leave her, he might never be happy with that choice. I want you to find the peace and happiness you are looking for and you will not find it waiting for this man. Think about it. Meditate and ask yourself what you truly believe.

      Good luck!
      alliswelllouis@gmail.com

      • Mary H Tarango

        Thank you so much Jazzman for your response, everything you said is so true, I know I need to move on, I know he will never leave his wife for me, and I probably wouldn’t want him to, because he would probably do the same to me that he’s done to her. I want so much to have the energy to move on, I know I can never forget him as much as I want to, I just want my life back and him out if it.

    • LifeLessons

      Hi Lost in Love,

      An amazing story that was. 32 yrs?! It has only been 11 months for me but I can see how that could turn into years. When someone can make you feel so good, why on earth would you want to let that go. However, you cant allow your health to decline while waiting around for him. You still have to take care of yourself! Continue to keep yourself busy with your family. You have to keep in mind that things have changed over the years and you have to roll with the changes.

      I couldnt understand how my grandmother could be in such a open relationship with a MM. Growing up, i had a lot internal judgement but as an adult I can see how and after reading your story I can see how it lasts so long. My grandmother was seeing a MM from 1985-2014. My grandma is now 75 and hes older than her and I honestly think the only reason they stopped seeing each other is because theyre older and both have health issues. My entire family new about the affair…most of my aunts (her daughters) didnt agree with it at all. It caused confusion at times because when my grandma had a stroke, he called 911 but was unable to come to the hospital and my family was upset but even then in my head, I remember thinking what do they want from him he is a MM. Once she recovered and came home he came around to see her. He always seemed like a nice guy and I didnt understand how he was married but had a open relationship with my grandma . I remember her cooking thanksgiving dinner and she would say I have to put this food away for Mr._____ and he would come over the next day to sit and eat. My mom and i just had a conversation about it and she explained to me…his wife knew about my grandma and his family loved my grandma but because of their religion he did not divorce his wife and he would not divorce his wife. My grandma was still legally married to my granddad but they had been seperated since I was born. I havent heard or seen him around in a while so I am unsure if they still see each other but throughout my life their relationship has always been on/off. I use think what type of life is that…to know someone would never be all yours and you have to sit around and wait until they are available, you cant have table talk with your girlfriends, you would be judged by everyone. Who wouldve thought I would find myself in the same situation. Its such a rollercoaster ride…one minute you are on cloud 9, the next you are asking yourself how long can you live like this.

      I am not sure either of you will allow things to be over forever because 32 yrs on/off is a long time but I would say you have to think of yourself and what you want and committ to that! If you want to move forward with him you already know the odds are he will only be available for you part time, you will have to accept not being able to call him and see him on your time. If you know you cant take this and it will continue to affect your health you have to do some other things and date other men, keep yourself busy! Im afraid, I am going to be in this situation with a MM for just as long as my grandma….I dont know if I want to break things off and I enjoy having him as a companion because that is what he is for me. We talk daily and that is what I enjoy I dont need him to shower me with gifts or to have sex with me daily (although the sex is amazing) my life revolves around my children and he make me feel like a woman not a mom. However, I think how long can I do this with him as a secret…will our kids catch on because theyre friends and have classes together, will his wife find out because she knows we talk and she thinks Im a sweet person (that makes me feel sick) and she has told him she thinks Im a sweet person and she is supposedly getting me a gift for Christmas because I help them out with their child (I help everyone out especially when it comes to kids, that is who I am as a person). I wonder how akward it would be if we stopped dealing with each other but our kids are friends, they play the same sport, they attend the same school and theyre in the same grade, we live 3minutes from each other, I did not think about these things when we first got involved. It is stressful at times but you have to keep yourself busy and keep you as your number 1 priority.

      Best Wishes

      • Lost in Love

        Thank you so much for your response, I can only Imagine the love your grandma had for MM, holding on to it for so long the love in her heart for him. That’s how I feel and really wish I could keep him forever. If only he could promise me more I would settle, but in reality I know I need to go on with my life, just so afraid of loosing him forever…

  • Lois

    Hello, everyone! I finally made a decision to send MM a chat telling him that it’s best we have no further contact because the remaining friends thing was not working. I had made progress and every bit of it went right out the door last week when things heated back up again. Of course as always, I initiated the conversations but he was receptive to it! If timing would have been better, we would have been caved to the sexual desires but we both had to leave work. He actually texted me that he was disappointed it did not happen and wanted to know more about the dream I had mentioned. I was back on cloud nine again to only things crash down around me once again. I should have left things as they were but no sent him a explicit, descriptive email Saturday about my dream. I did text him asking if he still wanted to know and he said yes. I have been so wrapped up in this guy that I have been listening to his church service that are streamed live to know what to expect out of him. Please do not judge me, I do believe in GOD and cannot believe I have allowed my values and morals to decline. I do enjoy the preacher; he is very good and trust me I felt convicted too because he spoke about sin and hiding sin, etc. It felt like the service was directed at us…I KNOW IT WAS BAD! So, I sent him a text apologizing for my behavior that caused both of us to weaken. He was out of the office Monday and partially Tuesday. I even questioned if he was staying home to keep his distance from me but he claims plumbing issues…who knows the truth. We did finally talk on Tuesday and he said was to struggling with all of it. I sent him a chat…he replied but I did not reply to it, so he must have gotten concerned because he replied again “must of said something wrong”. I had myself convinced it was best to leave things alone but for the life me I cannot do it! He has been carrying his Bible with him every day to work and leaving it on his desk…guess to give me a message who knows? After reading the posts here, I decided the NO CONTACT is the only way for me to end this nightmare. I do not want to but I cannot force him to be with me. So, I sent him a chat explaining why I thought NC was needed, etc. No response. After only 1 day if that, i contacted him and told him that I was struggling and he said he was too. We chatted back in forth and finally I went to his office to talk in person. He admitted he has feelings for me. He said his wife has been really trying so he needs to respect that she is putting forth an effort especially for the kids. He told me that he felt our affair had a put a wedge between them; but he has always said he did not feel guilt because of her it was the kids. Once again, who knows the truth? He agreed we could not be friends and distance is the only option. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I told him to give me a day or two and thanked for his patience with me until I can suppress my feelings. He made the comment that he regretted going down this path with me and knew better after having gone down the path before with our coworker which did not end well because she hates me. He said he has tried stepping back from the affair but has felt trapped because I would not let go. This hurt me and told him so. Yes, I would initiate the chats but he had a way about him by his comments and body gestures that let me know he was receptive to the flirtation. Just like he made the comment one day last week, that he probably would not last long because it had been such a long time…which I took that him and his wife havent had sex in while. Does this sound like a guy who wanted to end things? I deleted his number in my phone because he wont contact me, it’s the other way around. Unfortunately, I have the number memorized but it’s the mental thought that I made the step. I have also blocked him from my chat, so I do not see his name and give in to the temptation to contact him. My stubborness has kicked and do not see myself making him feel trapped again or driving the wedge further between them. I actually feel badly for his wife because in 5 years he has had two affairs that I know of…I think he has a problem? I do need to figure things out with my marriage but once in this mess is enough for me! I will keep you posted.

    • ForeverWaiting

      Lois

      You are not driving a wedge and you are not drawing him in or doing anything to stop him growing up.

      This man simple wants to have a wife at home and enjoy affairs on the side. He seems to ‘mirror’ you and pretends to feel guilt but anyone that can have affairs, and more than one in a marriage does not feel guilt and has a heart of ice – and will always blame the wife!.
      This man is just a cheat and no bible carrying or preaching or wonderful service giving can hide that fact. He took his vows and is breaking every single one and needs to stop hiding behind this and lying. How day he make a mockery of a religion and the special vows many hold dear.

      Also, what about your poor poor husband? Doesn’t he deserve to be set free and to find a partner that is faithful to him that focuses 100% on them? Now I’m in a 100% committed relationship I realise the emotional damage all this does and the waste of the partners time. Both your MMs wife and your husband deserves partners not wasting their time. I think you need to evaluate your unhappiness at home and consider leaving your marriage and starting afresh, your husband deserves better.

      Also stop analysing your MM movements and service, he just wants an affair and knows you will come running. You also never have to explain you’re going ‘NC’ – you just do. You have nothing to explain or justify. Find a hobby, do some charity work and throw your energy into something worthwhile rather than something so wrong and damaging. And most of alll stop hanging on to something thats going nowhere with a manipulator who seems to hide behind a bible and his status… what a narcissist.

      • Lois

        Hello. ForeverWaiting. I sincerely appreciate your response and agree with most of it. I am actively involved in lots of things and have tried numerous times in my marriage. Unfortunately, there is another side to how I got to this point to have an affair. If thints at home were different and was treated well, do you think for a second I’d be in this spot. I’ve been married for 28 years and have 3 children (19 and twins 15). My husband resents out children. It’s been a constant fight about them playing sports. He us obsessed with money and about 2 years ago went off the deep edge with religion to the point he no longer listens to music it’s sermons. The kids and I do nothing wrong. He has no friends. My boys have asked that I not leave because he has no one. I do lII’ve him but not on the love. I’ve told him numerous times things need to change and they do for awhile. I can’t hurt my kids and take away their life. I’m trying to make the best of it. In doing so, I’m working on things at home but have to get MM out of my heart. That’s why I am here…searching for help and support to get through this mess. I enjoyed the passion felt between MM and I but have realized it’s not worth the risk of children’s respect. I can and will get through it. There will be tough times ahead but I will manage and succeed to be rid of MM.

    • Thistooshallpass

      Hi Lois,
      No interaction is the best for you. Every time you do, it’ll send you into a whirlwind of confusion and sadness. No matter what they say or do something will lead to further pain. There’s no way around it. I’m more content without him in my life (when we’ve taken pauses I felt relieved but missed him). I can’t be friends with someone I want romantically. Hearing about the spouse, his family and even little things like grocery shopping or little errands together sent daggers into my heart. It sends a very clear message that he is sharing his life with another woman and that is not me. I can’t torture myself with that and hence I bid him farewell. The longer you distance the better you’ll feel. It may not be a linear progression but it will be a vast improvement from the current state. Please keep us posted! I’ll do the same to keep myself in check.

      • Lois

        Thistoshallpass, thanks for your response. I totally agree that time and distance is what we need. It is like daggers to the heart when you see or hear about their life with family. MM took his wife to work function. Luckily I was there but it was the first time he has taken her to anything. He’s been there about 5 years and one other time took his wife on a trip. We’ve never met her or the kids. He keeps his home life pretty secret other tHan bits and pieces he wants to share. He used to say how horrible she was and wouldn’t cook or clean….spend lots of money. Blah blah blah. He now claims she has realized she needs to change because she’s not the same since having triplets 10 years ago.. Who would be. I can only imagine the kind of life she has because he works alot. He has a company on the side so he is constantly working. I know what an emotional roller-coaster it’s been for me and I only know the charming side of him. Anyway, I am making progress and eventually get myself our of this mess.

    • J

      Wow!!!! Your mm sounds just like mine! Reading your post actually really upset me! These men and their bs and twisting and manipulating! Please, walking around with a bible!!!!!! Sounds just like my guy! I need to collect my thoughts and respond more later! Be happy to be rid of him. I just wish I was rid of mine and I wasn’t so weak breaking no contact. Oh right, that’s because we are the ones who “can’t let go”!!! Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh jerks

      • Lois

        Hey, J. It’s definitely difficult when they use the religion card to make us feel guilt. I made the mistake of telling him the first time he used this tactic to end things. I told him that I was firm believer in God and couldn’t let my desires destroy and/or interfere his relationship with God. So from that point, he has used this to end things along with the guilt for kids and now the wife. I don’t know maybe he is trying to do what’s right and things are improving at home. It’s been just a roller-coaster of emotions that I’m confused. I want to be from all of it and can’t wait to able to resist the temptation. Thanks for the support.

    • LifeLessons

      I pray for us all…it is such a sticky situation! Once you are in it. It is so hard to become detached from it! Reading this forum has uncovered so much for me. I did not realize how many people get entangled in this type of love web! I have been in 2 long term (1 longterm 7 yrs the other 10yrs on/off) relationships and 2 short term (short term 1 year each). In every relationship I was cheated on and the long terms I stayed for further emotional abuse and they cheated again and again. I am 34 years old and I have always been in a relationship and I have gone to therapy on/off since I was about 24. It has given me insight into why i made some of the choices ive made. I know I need to go back to therapy to gain further insight on how I got myself into a relationship with a MM. I have never cheated on someone and couldnt imagine what it would have felt like to be the other woman. I had the chance to speak to 2 of the other women the guys I was with were dealing with. One of them told me he told her these stories that seemed like lies to me but once I was able to go back and actually reflect on the relationship and when I did I realized he gave her his interpretation of what the relationship had become. He told her we were breaking up and he told her about our drama and all of that was true but we always got into battles and continue to be together. It was challenging for me to finally end that bad relationship and here I find myself in another horrible situation. I often wonder if I sick/twistedly wanted to unconsciously see what it was like to be the other woman since I have always been on the other side of this because I just knew after all the heart breaks it caused me that I would never be apart of this. I have shared all that to say…therapy is a good start to at least figure out why you have gotten yourself to this place and you should gain some strategies to help you move forward.
      Best Wishes 😊

  • Kev the married guy

    I’ve been in relationship with my lover for 2 years, we have set several dates to break it off (that never works), but I cant live the double lifestyle…..so I spoke to my wife about separating, its not fare to her or my lover………..Very nervous and scared….

    • ForeverWaiting

      Kev!!

      Well done!! I feel so proud even though I have never met you you’re an honour to know. You are doing the right thing and should feel proud too. It’s fair on your wife to set her free to find a man who will truly love her and will not cheat. Fair on you to move on from this ness and live a better pure life and clear your mind. And help your lover decide.
      I would advise space for you and your lover as in the end it may not be what you ultimately thought you wanted. But the first step IS separating from your wife as the crux of this is your marriage which is now just based on lies and disrespect and your poor wife deserces better.
      Well done you! Don’t be scared!!! there is a better and truer life out there for you all. I left my ex after a years affair…. and a bitter twist was my ex AM never left his partner when promised…. but it was the best thing for me as I obviously wasn’t happy otherwise I wouldn’t have been in an affair. My affair partner was a narcissists asshole and I’ve been in a loving relationship with the beat boyfriend ever for over a year. I’d never go back so all the break ups were worth it! I found mt true love, my ex has moved on and haopy abd the ex AM is still stuck in his pathetic lie and I feel sorry for his long term gd but its not my problem.

      I promise you once you move out and find your independence, all the emotions and shock has calmed, is beat for everyone as you’re all set free from the entanglement of deceit to find real love and respect. You are an exception, well done again!!

    • LifeLessons

      Hello Kev!

      I have been debating about sharing this recent conversation with the MM but I would like some input from a male or anyone else that is willing to share their opinion…..

      I thought I posted yesterday but Im guessing it didnt upload. I have been seeing a MM for 11months. We met 2 yrs ago at a sporting event that our kids are apart of. Year one we barely spoke to one another and last year he began talking to me at every game. After about a month or so he asked me for my facebook and sent me his phone number so i sent him mine. We began talking immediately. He asked me out on a date and i said yes (he is an attractive man so i was excited to go out with him) we chatted on our date and i asked him if he was married or seeing someone. He said yes he was married and I said well why are we on a “date” he said he has invested too money and was not willing to lose out on that. At that time I told him I wasnt interested in an affair and I have never had an affair but I have been cheated on more than once so I couldnt be anything more than a friend to him. He said ok! We talked regularly and we hung out a lot. 3 months went by and there was no sex but playful banter and then it happened and was out of this world! We continued to talk daily. He told me he had an affair before with a female who he really cared about. I asked so many questions and he answered them all within due time. He even has a tattoo that is in memory of that relationship. Her husband found out and she stopped all contact with him and he said that really messed him up. He told me women seem to think men dont have feelings and emotions but he said men do they just show it differently. He said that relationship ended 6-7 yrs ago. He use to tell me that him and his wife wasnt intimiate often…he said she would decide to have sex with him once or twice a month. He said she wasnt affectionate and he is. He said if his wife would just have sex with him he would not have come on to me he said that in response to me saying I wouldve never thought I would deal with someone like him and be caught up in an affair.

      To speed things up…him and I recently had a long talk. He told me he was going out of town with his wife and my feelings were so hurt (as if I am his woman and he was doing something wrong) i never told him I was hurt about it because I felt that it was not my place to feel any type of way. Well he made sure he talked to me for longer periods of time days prior to him leaving and the day before he left we talked for an hour and I made mention of me being single and hoping I meet someone soon and I make mention of me being single and I said i cannot believe I have been dealing with you and this situation for almost a year but he said babe listen you always saying something about you dealing with me and he said well I dont tell you how I am feeling but I have never dealt with someone like you that is single he said I told you the person I was seeing was married so it was different. He said this is new and different for me too. I said what ???! Please tell me how me being single affects you in anyway…I said its a lot, i said what like a lot of work. He said something like that, he said its a lot of pressure. I didnt understand that nor did I know how to take that so I said it is a lot of pressure…didnt realize that and I still dont understand how it is pressure for you. He said it just is. So what i want to know is what do you all think that mean ? Maybe its exactly what he said but I dont see how its pressure, if we are talking daily and having sex sometimes….what pressure can it be for me to be single and I have never asked him to leave nor has he said he was leaving, so it just made me feel a way. He is typically an upfront type of guy and no nonse so I havent caught him in a lie nor has he made promises to me. I know about 2 months ago I said to him that it felt like we didnt hang out that much and he would just come over for a few hours for us to have sex and relax a little but no hanging out and he told me the next day that he didnt want me to feel like it was just about sex so we didnt have to have sex until he was able to take me out. I said ok! So he asked me to hang out but I couldnt and then I saw him a week after that and he told me he just came to see me and i was aggressive and came on to him he resisted a little but eventually gave in. After that he tried about 2-3 times to take me out but my schedule was busy so i couldnt go. He told me last week that he hope I can see that it is not him but my schedule is busy.
      As i am writing this…I think I have figured out what he means by it is more pressure dealing with me because but I am still interested in what you think that means…it has me really feeling some way! I dont want to be “pressure” for anyone.

  • J

    Hello ladies,
    You’re all going to be so disappointed in me, I’m disappointed in myself. I broke my NC because I couldn’t take it. I felt like I was ripping my own arm off or something, I couldn’t breathe or work, I was having panic attacks and crying, I couldn’t eat for days and was getting so lightheaded and weak. The idea of him out there and reaching out to me non stop was killing me. So I thought I just call him once. Then he drove to my house and we talked. He did say that he can’t give up on his marriage because of God. But said how sad he is and how much he love me. We ended up hugging and kissing for hours because he said he can’t resist me. He drove to my work 3 days when I took time off, he drove 45 mins to my work. He’s been searching for me everywhere everyday. Admitted that he couldn’t be intimate with his wife again, said he tried but physically could not get it working. The first time it hardly worked but only worked a little as he watched a video first to get it started. He’s trying to make it work because he thinks that’s right because of his religion. Maybe he’s not a narcissist freak. Maybe he’s really just a very confused man who fell in love with another woman but feels extremely guilty. I don’t know, I’m so confused. I couldn’t stay away but can I really handle seeing him while he’s trying to make his marriage work? Can i handle him telling me about his sex attempts even if they don’t work?

    • Marie (aka screwloose)

      J
      No one here will say they are disappointed we all have been there. Its hard it really is. I’ve been where you are. And I still make excuses for his behavior and try to justify his actions and I haven’t seen mine in 7 months . I blocked him from social media 3 months ago and blocked his numbers 1 month ago when he said he accidentally called me. Yet then spent the entire day texting me only to blow me off the next day. What makes me push on is reading up on Narcissistic behavior and then really thinking about our conversations my head knows he is a narcissist but my heart still doesn’t believe it. There really is no easy way to get over this . Whether he ends it , or you do. It has taken months and multiple attempts with then NC for me to get to where I am. You will get there but it takes time and a lot of crying and pain. I still cry and miss him I honestly don’t know why…!but I do. It has eased though. To be honest I don’t need think it will totally be gone for any of us. Just keep trying because is all yoU can do xoxox

    • ForeverWaiting

      J, this is how narcissists work! He tells you he is trying to save his marriage but spends 3 hours kissing you? He lies to you that he can’t get his physical side of his marriage going? trust me that’s what my MM told me but that’s a lie to make YOU touch them so we believe they don’t have any physical contact with their wives!

      Yes they are confused – stay well away. Look at the damage it is doing to you. He is emotionally manipulating you to feel OH SO SORRY for him, poor poor confused MM who has fallen in love with another woman and having an intimate affair with her whilst the wife has no idea – poor guy!! And then us mistresses feel sorry for them and for years go round in circles and then come to this website and realise it’s all it is. Manipulation.

      He won’t leave the marriage and blame reasons out of their control… God. Kids. Money etc (all IN THEIR control… please don’t let this utter rubbish fool you). And don’t let the fact he drove 3 hours to come and talk make you feel special, he just wants to keep the affair going and panics so keeps chasing. I always believed its because my MM was going to leave one day as he promised and he too wasnt physical with his wife and he too couldn’t leave because of valid reasons. All BS.

      My friends just telling me to find a free man and I didn’t understand because can’t they see how unhappy this MM is with his wife, how evil she is and how desperate he is to leave? Only I saw this. My friends were so blind!! So I thought…..

      I cut contact 15 months ago. He is still with her and absolutely fine (5 yrs after crying she made his life hell…. what a great actor!!!)
      I am with a wonderful bf of 12 months who is all mine and I spend weekends with. No complications, no lies, no secrecy – just 2 of us in this relationship.

      As I’ve said many times they are VERY good at manipulating and seem the most genuine people on earth and do a good job at making us believe them. Stop. They have 1 goal – to gain your empathy by lying and manipulating and to make sure the wife, whom they probably have a pretty normal relationship with doesn’t find out.

      Stop being used, you are a wonderful woman and wasn’t put on this earth for this. Much love x

  • J

    I feel so awful in NC. He emailed me again begging me to just let him know I’m okay. Apparently he’s been driving around looking for me where I usually am, and hasn’t seen my car. Because I’ve been avoiding him. He said he was worried sick and to please let him know. So I sent him a one word response saying yes, I’m okay. Then he sent back just thank you. Now I’m so upset. Did he really just want to know I’m okay and now he’s done?

    • Jazzman

      Hi J

      I felt bad too when my MM reached out after NC. said how are you. thats it. then he left me alone. Don’t read too much into it frankly. They cant do it. If i was dying or in pain he cannot come help me anyways. How dare he now show his fake concern. He can go be concerned about his wife and family. That should be his first and only concern J. not you or us.

      Focus on yourself. Focus on NC. Stay strong. Email if you would like to talk more.

      Best wishes
      alliswelllouis@gmail.com

    • Thistooshallpass

      J,
      So now that he knows you are ok can you institute no contact? I know exactly what you’re going through. You stop talking for days and feel the agony of missing them. You desperately want to hear from them. They reach out feverishly and the desire to respond is building and building inside of you. Finally you give in and their response back is so anticlimactic you feel incredibly let down. You start questioning everything and rereading all of their messages. It’s such a dead end trap. These relationships are so cyclical we’re all like hamsters in a wheel. I’m totally guilty of repeating the same behaviors and expecting different results. Eventually you have to draw a line in the sand and say enough is enough. I’ve posted a lot today bc I finally blocked his number, blocked his email, deleted the account he used to contact me and now my phone is next to impenetrable. Try and really take inventory on your feelings. When and how often do you feel good about him? Let me guess… when you’re together or in communication. How often could he find free time to see you? Once a week or every two weeks? Not good enough… Even the communications from time to time probably left you feeling needy, insecure and helpless especially if he talked about his family. They are capable of lifting you to the highest place and dropping you to the pits of hell. It’s such an extreme of highs and lows. If I assess my feelings I felt genuinely satisfied about 10% of the time. We all deserve more. This is the time when you have the permit your head to lead your decision making process and not your heart. You’ll get through this with flying colors. Keep posting. Clearly that’s what I’m doing lol

  • J

    It’s been 9 days since I’ve talked to him. It’s not any easier. I have moments when it hurts so bad I just want to curl up and cry. I miss him so badly. He emailed me again asking me to talk to him and telling me he misses me very much. I want to talk to him so much. I understand that no contact will help me get over him. Won’t it help him to get over me too? Won’t he eventually just forget me if I keep ignoring him? Yes, I guess there’s part of me, a big part of me, that wants this time to make him realize that he can’t live without me.

    • ForeverWaiting

      I’m sorry J to bw brutally honest but he can, is and has always lived withour you and will. He’ll keeo emailing whilst you email back and will give up when you definitely stop…. he is just hoovering at the moment. He kmowsnwhat he is doing, lreasing the buttons to make you give in.
      I thought the same, when my ex AM lost his job I went into shock as had worked with him for 4 years then suddenly didnt see him 5 daus a week – he lived 70 miles away, was truely awful. After a week I felt awful so stopped texting. I thought he’d go into panic, start missing me, go mad…. I was convinced he’d turn up on my doorsteo on a weekend and declare finally after 4 years he’d left . NO – he just carried on with his life.

      Trust me…. they are all the sane and I didnt believe it until I came on here. Took me 3 goes after he lost his job and 3 months to finally cut off for good. Its been 15 months. 5 yrs on, he is still with his supposedly awful gf of 15 years… living a happy life.

      He will mot come running, he wants your attention.

      One thing friends said and I read many times in the first year was if the MMs were going to leave its in the first 6 months MAX…. its true, in fact I think its 3 months . I have seen it with my own eyes woth friends, relatives and colleagues who years later are still happy.

      NC…Contact… a little contact…. they either leave or they don’t – this middle ground is the BS they make up. To dangle the carrot.

      Get out, move on and find a real man deserving of your attention and one that has the same idea of what love is. Oh, and a non narcissist! Take care x

      • cjay

        Hi all! I’ve only posted twice, but read daily. My heart aches for each of you and me whilst I read. I’m currently in a “relationship” with MM that I’ve known 27 years. We had a 3+ affair while I was married. I separated from my spouse, he did not. I ended the affair. There was NC for over 20 years. I’m not on social media. He tried reaching out to my daughter on FB. I thought he was my soul mate. I loved him very much, but could bare the thought of going through the pain again. I’d never really given my heart to anyone. Spouse & I went to counseling, I went back. Then after 15 years of marriage, I left again. This time we divorced. I then started another affair w a different MM, which lasted appx 12 years. We did work for the same company and had a short fling 20+ years ago, I ended that 3 years ago. They are both still with their wives. I have a cyclical pattern, I know, I just don’t know how to break free of my own comfort zone. I can’t say that ending an affair while married is easier vs being single. It’s painful either way. I’ve been divorced since 2003 & haven’t tried to date or start a relationship with a “real” single man.
        Fast forward. My high school best friend talked me into a girls weekend last week & I met someone. I gave him my phone number. He called me yesterday. I don’t know why, but I cut the conversation short and feel guilty that I put in motion something that could be a new start for me. Also feel guilt because I’m still involved w MM & this is somehow a betrayal. “Get out and move on” is a wonderful concept. I’m just not sure my heart can.

  • Lois

    For those of you who work with MM, how do you handle being around him? Do you think it’s possible to go back to friendship? The MM in my life ended things again and it’s been an emotional roller-coaster. I try the NC but haven’t been successful. Truly, I think because I still want the jackass. It’s like a drug addiction. He doesn’t do any of the pursuing…it’s me but he has a way about him that draws me in. I’m an intelligent educated woman but all common sense leaves my brain with him. I’m just to the point that it’s not worth the heartache. I do well for several days then it seems to creep back up on me. So, I would like to hear how you handle things. Thanks for listening and look forward to hearing your advice.

      • Lois

        Hey, Louise. Thanks for asking these questions and making me think because I am not sure the real advantage of us being friends. Unfortunately, I do not think we could ever go back to just being friends without having awkward times. I have found NC to be the best method for me because I am too weak and find myself drifting back into old habits with him that eventually weakens the both of us. He does not like the NC because it bothers him that I cannot even speak to him; but I think it’s time I worry about me instead of him. Thanks for listening and providing me your email address…do not be surprise to hear from me!

    • Thistooshallpass

      Hi Lois,
      I work with my MM and I report to him. Let the good times roll… We’ve been on, off, friends, lovers, no contact, you name it. I’ve found that I made some peace by letting him initiate contact. I do not email, call or text. Sometimes I’ll IM through our business Skype but otherwise it’s up to him. I’ve been unsuccessful cutting all contact completely even after I attempt to end it. There have been countless attempts. I say attempt bc the same scenario plays out with him somehow maneuvering his way back into my arms and good graces. I fear conflict and tension with a coworker and a boss to boot. He claims he can’t go from intimate to just friends and the idea of us being on bad terms with no social interaction at work pains me more than anything. Some days I feel strong and ready to move forward without looking back. Other days I’m freaking out inside bc I haven’t heard from him and can’t shake my neediness. At this stage I suspect that my way out is for one of us to switch jobs, him to end it or me to fall for another guy. I’m going to try one of the dating apps 🙂 Is your guy interested in friendship? Are you interested in a platonic relationship? What do you want out of it? Personally, I’ve become too emotionally dependent upon him and the demise of the friendship saddens me most. Do you have others at work to connect with? Acceptance, detachment and release meditations help me if you want to tap into your spiritual side. This may sound mean spirited but it’s also comforting to know that it’s not easy for the attached person either. They go through emotional stress from an illicit relationship. You’re probably handling it better than you give yourself credit. Best wishes and lots of hugs your way.

      • Felk

        Hi Lois, I, too, work with my MM and I echo a lot of what Thistooshallpass says. For one, it’s really hard. So, yes, we are trying a friendship (and, yes, I think it’s possible). We were friends before the affair, and, of course, as the friendship grew closer, so did the likelihood of an affair. So, it’s hard, when the affair ends (he ended it three months ago after feeling it was too hard to live two separate lives… he hated not being able to be with me fully but he didn’t feel he could leave his two young children… and I do not fault him for that… hence me not hating him and still wanting a friendship). Immediately after the break-up (we were together five years), I desperately still wanted him in my life (and I think he felt the same way) so we agreed to try to remain friends. It was slow-going and VERY hard at first. We greatly reduced contact and tried to minimize time we spent alone in the first 4-6 weeks. Slowly, we have increased contact a little, but it’s still rather low (and that’s my MAIN recommendation for remaining friends). First, you both need space. Obviously, you care greatly for each other and there are all sorts of feelings still there so, without space, there is just agony of temptation or the danger of falling back into the affair and risking a worse outcome (as you prolong an affair that isn’t working for one or both of you). I HATED the space/distance. I missed him so much. I missed everything about us, and I felt this horrible void/emptiness. There were reminders everywhere, not to mention seeing him at work everyday. I hated that I didn’t have access to him the way I used to. In the past, he’d be in his office, and I’d just stop by to chat, and, now, I felt like I couldn’t do that, shouldn’t do that. It was excruciating to not have that closeness with him. We talked a little in that time, but, mostly, I felt that the talking just led me to feel worse and miss him more after. Maybe it helped to remind me that he still loved me and missed me, but that simultaneously made it harder to “get over” him. If he still loved me and I still loved him, couldn’t we make it work? For the first several weeks, I figured he’d realize he messed up and he’d want me back. I thought if we stayed friends, he’d see what he was missing and admit his mistake. Those are destructive thoughts that just keep you hanging on, though. So, eventually I got to the point where I realized that I have to move on and accept his decision, and that’s the ONLY way we can be friends. If I keep hoping for more, I’ll be miserable. If I keep trying for more, I’ll drive him away (and I’ll be more miserable). So, three months in, we’re trying. That’s all I can say. It’s still hard. I feel better. I feel stronger. I feel more in control of the situation as I feel more choice in moving on and accepting what’s happened. But, I went to lunch with him yesterday, and it’s hard still. We have such a good time together, and I can feel the tension of wanting more. I can feel my brain screaming for closeness (that I still feel and want to express) as I hold it in. And I know he feels the same, because he’s said it. And I know it’s not easy for both of us. I don’t know what’s right, honestly. Sometimes I think it might be better not to be friends because it’s still too tempting and painful, but, then, as Lois and Thistooshallpass say, I just can’t imagine not having him in my life that way. He meant so much to me for so long, it feels worth it to try this friendship. And I’m glad he feels the same way (for now). I’ll keep checking in here, though, and letting you all know how it’s going. It’s helped me a lot to read what you all say, and it’s helped me to read elsewhere, too. It’s helped me to journal and think through everything, and it’s helped me to try to re-focus on my marriage. Mostly, it’s just time and space that help. Although it’s excruciating in the beginning (like lay on the couch and cry, nauseated all day excruciating), as you give yourself space, as you give yourself room to be sad, as you distract yourself and focus elsewhere, those intrusive thoughts will be less frequent. You’ll miss him less. You’ll feel more yourself. It’s still sad to me to think about not being in love with him anymore. I loved being in love with him, but I know that I need to put that behind me. That’s the only way we really can be friends. I’ll let you know how it goes!

        • Thistooshallpass

          Hi Felk, when I read posts from married folks I assume it would be less painful than the single person bc you have love elsewhere. You and many others have made it evident that you still go through the breaking up process. I’ve always had this strange notion that once you were married your heart only had room for one romantic partner. I know our hearts can love multiple people but it’s still so mystifying. Do you think the married men grieve too? I guess we’re all trying to reconcile, get past this, move on and find comfort somewhere. I can’t wait to reach the stage of indifference. I wish that for everyone here.

          • Felk

            Thistooshallpass, oh my goodness do I long for the stage of indifference. I am not there yet, and I don’t like still caring so much about what he’s thinking and feeling. But, to answer your question as best I know, yes, they grieve, too. My MM is quite clear about how hard this is on him, and, as far as I can tell, we’re feeling pretty similar things. He ended our relationship while we were both still very in love. It wasn’t like his feelings had faded. He just got to a point where it was too hard on him doing two relationships. Can’t blame him there. The thing you say about one’s heart only having room for one partner is complicated. I kind of think our brain/heart only has room for passionate attraction to one person at a time. So, as that grew with my MM, it faded with my husband. But I still have a close/warm/friendship love with my husband, and I think that’s what you can have with multiple people at the same time (as we do with close friends, family, significant others all at the same time).
            Obviously, I think a break up is hard on anyone (having an affair with a MM) whether you’re married or single, but I get why it would seem it’s easier for MW because we still have someone. Interestingly, I’ve thought this break-up would be easier if I were single because then I could move on to someone new and find new passionate love to replace what I’m feeling for my MM. With my husband, it is very different. It’s not as simple to find passionate love with him again. But, I’m sure we all just think it’s easier in a different situation because it’s just so damn hard.

        • ForeverWaiting

          Obviously this is just my opinion and I know when you’re ‘in’ it and this ‘mess’ (and trust me, it’s all just mess – I was where you are now 5 years ago) you can’t actually see what the REAL issues are.

          Firstly as you’ve had intimate relations and there is more than just platonic ‘friends’ with your ex MM/colleague, you can’t be friends, it’s as simple as that. Unless you left your job, moved away and returned in 3 years and over everything and with a new life….then maybe, but not now. This whole ‘friends’ thing is a way of holding on and not letting go, deep down you both know this. I went through the same when at the time I still lived with the ex bf. I decided after 6 months i couldnt live like that but also knew we could not be ‘friends’.
          The ex AM followed me, literally around for 3 weeks at work….persuaded me to go for drives and you can guess what happened. I was with a violent and emotionally abusive bf at the time and the ex AM knew how to press the buttons to get me to give in.

          Which brings me onto your marriage. You are focusing loads on the ex MM. Which is raising many red flags with your marriage – this is not a marriage. Why drag your poor husband through this? You’re not happy, he wouldn’t be happy or even stay in the marriage should he know you were not only having an intimate affair but bad fallen for the MM. The trust and respect has gone. Your husband deserves the right to find someone who won’t do this to him.

          I’m not having a go, it happens. I did this to my ex, he was violent, left bruises on me, but I walked away a year into the affair (and stupidly also thinking the ex AM would leave too…. 3 yrs later you guessed…. he did not!).
          But my horrible ex deserved a chance to be with someone that didn’t cheat and after I left him he calmed down and went and got counselling.

          I was having an affair because I wasn’t content and fullfilled in my relationship (I turned up at work each day shaking in fear, my narcissist ex AM caught me at a vulnerable time)… . It’s a cop out!! I never felt sorry for the ex AMs gf (of 15 yrs, they also have a baby, well shes 5 now!) but I do now. OMG do I want to give his long suffering gf a hug and set her free!

          So I think those on here that are married – the problem is at home; leave and start afresh. Its liberating, to stop using people as your security blanket – both the MM and the husbands And those (most on here) waiting for the MM to leave – they wont.

          I left the bf, then the MM. I’m now over a year into a faithful, normal loving relationship with just the 2 of us and when I think back to mid last year and the 5 years run up until then I wonder how the hell my life ended up so complicated and it makes me fell ill/sick!

          I was writing exactly what you guys are!
          ‘I miss him’…. ‘I want to be friends’ …..’I need him’…. it wasnt until I realised I was focusing on someine with a life I couldn’t be a part of and needed to focus and sort MY life out…that none of this was true.

          Its very hard when you work with them, but it is just work. Text your Mum/friends/dad/Nan/dog/cat instead…..and sort out your own relationship issues. Affairs are part time escapes which cause even more problems which can devastate even more lives. It is not worth it. Set yourself free both – neither are making you happy. Move onto brand new relationships. Much love x

          • Felk

            Foreverwaiting, you make good points. It’s a process. Part of my process is attempting a friendship. Maybe I will realize (or he will) that it’s too complicated, and we will stop attempting a friendship. I live my life trying not to regret, and I would regret not attempting a friendship with him. I know the danger of wanting more still. And I know how it’s making it harder for me to move on. But it is getting easier. Slowly. It’s taken a lot of effort holding back, putting distance between us, and refocusing on my marriage. There are set-backs, of course, but I’ve felt a lot of progress over these three months. It will be sad if this friendship doesn’t work, but, if it doesn’t, I’ll know that was for the best (and at least I tried to make it work).

          • ForeverWaiting

            Well it depends what you define as friendship, most friends you’d openly want to invite them to your house, introduce them to other friends, family members, colleague friends and introduce them to people in other circle of friends.

            If this ‘friendship’ is just you and him, with no one else involved, and you’d never introduce this man as a friend to another frend outside of work, or your husband or a family member, then he isn’t a friend – and he is just still an affair partner, but an emotional one. You are still hanging on to the affair, but hiding under it using the title of ‘friendship’. There aren’t such things as regrets as life goes on and you have a life away from him outside of work, a whole life and you need to concentrate on this and stop hanging on to a friendship that doesn’t and can’t really exist, because it will be one in secret, just like the affair, and it’s just causes stress and more anxiety and it’s not worth it

            Throw yourself into new friendships, join groups, find new hobbies and new people to talk too, your relationship and set your MM free to concentrate on his life. Again just my opinion; I just think the whole ‘needing friendship’ is a way to justify hanging on to the affair in a different way. It’s such a waste of precious time when there are so mamy amazing people out there, who can become real friends who you’d invite to your home who you can openly talk to anytime of the day. ‘Friendship’ with the MM will still be in ‘secret’ so it’s not really friendship. Good luck with everything anyway, I know how crazy hard it is!!! But you will get there! x

          • Felk

            Appreciate the words Foreverwaiting. I’m not sure a friendship won’t work, but a friendship, the way I want it (with closeness/sharing/warmth), may not be possible (or not for a long time). We are friends. Others at work (and outside of work) know we are friends. I can talk about his friendship with others. And, while I understand your point about secrecy, that doesn’t define friendship. Friendship would seem to be defined by the relationship with another – sharing/disclosure/support/similar interests/spending time together/liking/commitment. Can we be there for each other the way some of my other close friends can be there for me? No. But that’s okay. Not all of my friendships are of equal depth/closeness/reliability. And, sure, a friendship is likely better if you don’t have to keep it a secret, but we have friendships we don’t share with others (for various reasons). I’m really not trying to be picky, just saying that it is and can be a friendship. Now, can it be a friendship without wanting more or constantly feeling tension? I don’t know. For now, the answer is “no,” but that has changed a lot over the last three months. There is a lot less tension and wanting. But maybe those problems can’t go to zero and maybe they will always be a barrier in the friendship and we will decide it’s not worth it. I have been friends with my exes (my best friend for the last 20 years) with no sexual anything any longer. Is it possible? Yes. Is it easy? No. Is an affair different? Yes. I know your advice comes from a good place and from experience. I do appreciate it. But, for now, I’m going to keep trying this friendship thing.

          • ForeverWaiting

            Hi Felk, I do agree with you and myself am friends with a short term bf I dated 10 years ago, there is nothing except a buddy type relationship, which is lovely. But you need that break away to then come back to a relationship of friendship.
            To get over that ’emotional bridge’ of hanging onto the affair emotions to be just friends with no feelings whatsoever.
            So sorry that point I didn’t add. I tried to just be friends 8 mths into the affair 5 years ago, the ex AM couldn’t handle that (I was fine with this as was trying to focus on and handle my violent relationship at home……he knew this and looking back what a mean Ahole!) and wiggled his way back in.
            But I just think you need time out, proper time out to get over emotions just like you would have with your exes you’re good friends with. It’s quite unnatural to go straight from an intimate relationship with feelings to ‘mates’. And yes indeed friends come in all shapes and forms, and I have recently chatted to my ex AM, but there is still an air off strangeness because of who he used to be to me… my ex affair, and its so very different to being close to an ex boyfriend. Again friends can work but after time apart, as you may find as this break you may not need him. I always thought I did, as he had been my rock for 5 years (so I thought) ….. within months I found I didn’t need him out at, or even want him in my life. I’m not the only one on here who felt like this. My bf wouldn’t mind me speaking to an ex…. no way on this earth would he entertain the idea of the ex AM as he was cheated on and what sort of oerson does that make me look and keeping the friendship going? We are hardly going to pop in for dinner and the ex AM was sad I turned down the job but I thought all the lies he has already told his new colleagues about me, and friends. There are so many lies surrounding us I guess that’s why I don’t see friendship working. I’m glad you don’t have to lie to everyone and things are more in the open. His colleague friends didn’t even know he lodged with me in the week and his gf thought he lodged with them! Of course all our stories are similar but unique and different, I’m just advising a little space and time can go such a long way for sanity and clarity as mentioned before, friends with an ex boyfriend is very different from being friends with an ex affair partner. It’s hard to advise because of varying circumstances and needs, but the main thing is taking care of your health both physically and mentally as I know how ill it can make you. You’re doibg very well as I never broke away until he lost his job, the worst thing I thought that ever could hapoen turnes out the best thing in the world – I’d still be the mistress today begging him to let me date etc!! I’m 40 next year…so I’m very happy to hear everyone on this site is now moving on best they can. It’s not easy and again can only talk through personal experience. Its not easy but lofe isnt either!

          • Felk

            Hi ForeverWaiting, your words are really good. It has helped so much to read what people write here. And I’ve known that NC was best, but, working together, I didn’t think that was an option. But, unfortunately (or fortunately), I’m getting closer to realizing you’re right and that this friendship thing can’t work right now. We’re both trying so hard to do this right (and he is not being manipulative or trying to weasel time with me or anything bad… he’s just trying to be my friend while also creating boundaries), but we both still have feelings and it’s leading to continued tension/awkwardness. As expected, we have a great time when we hang out, but then there is the bitter reality that we are no longer together and it’s hard to continually feel those ups and downs. He’s also said that it feels better and then worse after we spend time together. That’s no good. It’s lessened over time, but it’s still too painful sometimes, and I don’t want that anymore.
            Just last night, I barely slept because I was all in my head about our issues and how I worry he’s going to end our friendship at any moment. This is unhealthy. I’m healing, but too slowly because he’s still such a presence in my life. Starting next week, I’m going to try NC for a few weeks. I’m not sure if I can do it, but I have vacation time for the holidays and will not see him at work for an extended time. There is no better time to try NC!

      • Louise

        Hi Thistooshallpass,
        I’m very sorry to hear that. Constantly having to see your MM is not a good situation. I dont see my MM at work. We met elsewhere. So it is easier for me to be NC. I started NC in Nov and we have only spoken 3 times since. He has not reached out to me after my last outburst. I feel sad and isolated all the time. But I don’t want his friendship. One of my good friends explained to me that I can continue loving him in my heart but his friendship will hurt me because I will always want more and he will be ok just being friends. Does that make sense?
        I know the emotional dependance. I felt that way too once. I thought I would be miserable and did not want to live without him. But you know what – you can survive. You can thrive. But you have to give yourself a chance. Try to find other people or activities you like doing. There will be something. It can be religious, it can be a sport, it can be an art. something. Dont continue to willingly walk in fire. He wont stop this. I can already tell you that – you can read that. You will have to just try to find another job. Because as long as you are around him the attraction will take over plus the whole idea that you cannot have him makes him more attractive in a very unreasonable way. Stay strong.

        Best wishes
        alliswelllouis@gmail.com

        • Thistooshallpass

          Hi Louise. Thanks for your encouraging words. I thought friends was possible but after our last chat today I immediately recognized that friends is so far from possible or desirable for that matter. Who wants to hear “we”, “us” or anything really about their personal life bc it will come up. I don’t know how your MM behaved but when mine wanted to get together he would shower me with attention, throw compliments my way and talk up our relationship. The next day after spending time together he may say hi but the tone, words and his general attitude would take a 180. I can’t put my finger on it but there was a cool air of indifference like he got his fill and doesn’t need me for a few days until his desire kicks in again. Don’t feel badly about the outburst. I’ve done the same numerous times especially after a day when we’ve been together and he treats me like I’m whatever to him. He denies it when I’ve called it out and responds like I’m emotionally unstable. From what I’ve read here it’s their mind F games they play. The fortunate thing is that we can work virtually and sit anywhere in the office so I can very easily avoid seeing him in person. I went nuclear by blocking his number, email and removing my account from my phone so there’s no possible way for him to reach me. Also, it’ll force me to not continuously check my phone for messages. I’ll tell you that your MM is most likely not ok with just being friends. Guys develop emotional attachments too but the only thing you have to worry about is taking care of you and putting yourself as number one. I’m excited to get out of this prison bc if I’m truly honest with myself, this has been the primary contributor to my anxiety, depression, loneliness. How long has it been since you’ve been in touch? You said Nov. Do you find that you think about him less and your emotions are starting to level off?

          • ForeverWaiting

            Yes who cares if these MMs want to be friends or not.

            The truth is to both of you these men are NOT friends – far from a friend, they just want your attention. Put your energy into real friendships and focus on yourselves. I’m so very glad you can work anywhere in the office, I couldn’t when my ex AM (attached man) worked with me, on same team and he was a few desks away. It took him losing his job for me to REALLY see the light after almost 4 years, whilst entangled in his utter manipulation it’s hard to see the lies whilst in them.

            We are made to believe we NEED them, we believe we need their emotional support, we have become to rely on them SO much and they even persuade is that they need US. Truth is they don’t. And truth is WE do NOT need them. It’s all the part of the narcissist manipulating you like they have done for weeks, months and years. It’s part of their capture, grooming, hoovering, spit out, pull back in, rinse and repeat.

            You were a whole person before you met the MM, you are still a whole person now. I’m sure this isn’t what you dreamt of when younger…. don’t let go of your dreams. Prince charming doesn’t cheat on his wife, manipulate and lie to her, his children, his family, friends and colleagues…. find a mistress…. screw her around, emotionally manipulate her….make her lonely, anxious, afraid….. and worst of all – waste her precious time. Time we cannot get back. Time we should be spending with parents, friends, family and a man who is single or at least our REAL bf!

            Take that time right now. Your time. Don’t give that time to the MM. He has a life, a really really messed up life – step back, open your eyes…. redirect them into a pure life and away from his. What kind man does what he is without every pathetic excuse under the sun?

            Take care of your health – its such a stressful, lonely, sickly and confusing situation to be in, I promise you its not worth 1 second more. Take care and keep on moving on. To all of you reading this. Much love x

      • Lois

        Thanks for your response. I cannot imagine having MM as my boss…wow that would be tough! We have been the same way; on/off/friends/lovers/no contact/contact, and it is quite the emotional roller-coaster. Like you, I have good days and bad days but last week was a bad week. I just do not get it…and do not know why I am so fixated on this guy. He is not even my type but he is so damn charming and his smile melts my heart! I honestly do not know what I want out this relationship because I do not see myself ever being with this guy beyond the affair. I would never expect him to leave his family nor would I mine. When things are good between, there is sense of happiness that overcomes me that I have not felt in long time. However, the bad times out weigh the good because about every other month he is ending things because of his conscious and religious conviction. He was filling a void in my life but not even sure about that anymore because is he struggling…do not know what to believe anymore. He wants to be friends but not sure I can do that without weakening. I am putting some distance between us because I need to figure things out. Thanks for listening.

        • Felk

          Hi Lois, your words are so familiar. I know all the ups and downs, and how it’s so good when it’s good, but the bad typically outweighs the good in the affair. In my situation, it was missing him when we were apart and it was his struggle/tension (with separating us from his marriage) that he continually brought into our relationship that caused a lot of pain for me during our five-year affair. For the last 9 months of our relationship, he was constantly struggling with what to do and it was not fun. We still had great fun together and, as you say, there’s a happiness there that we’re not feeling elsewhere. So, it’s filling some void… which is probably the void of being in a long-term marriage and the passion fading. But, just as you say, I was unlikely to leave my marriage for my MM. I didn’t think he’d be a better partner. There are many great things about him, but I had never really considered leaving my marriage for him. So, of course I understood when he decided to end our relationship to concentrate on his marriage and kids. But, why do we do it if we know we’re not going to leave our marriage… it’s that high when being together, right? There is an excitement and happiness that takes you back to the beginning of a relationship over and over (because you never habituate because you’re apart so often).
          I can’t fault you for thinking a friendship won’t work. We’re still struggling 3 months later, but, lately, it’s felt a lot better. It takes a lot of effort to make it work, and the problem with that is that effort/commitment keep you invested and there are still a lot of feelings between us that constantly threaten the friendship. There is still that awkwardness/tension where we both know we’re feeling things and not saying things and we’re trying to be “normal” with each other. Then there are the times when we’re honest and talk about what we’re feeling and it feels warm/close and then really hard when you realize you can’t have that closeness anymore. And there’s the happiness I still get when he texts me. Or how much we still laugh together. I just can’t imagine giving these things up, though. I’m going to keep trying my hardest to make this friendship work.

        • Thistooshallpass

          Hi Lois,
          Thanks for responding. ForeverWaiting summed it up beautifully and she is in a healthy, loving, committed relationship which is what everyone here is worth. As you mentioned your MM is filling a vacancy in your life but it’s at a really high price to your health. I would give yourself as much time, space and distance as possible. There is no future and why invest your time, resources and energy on a relationship that won’t come to fruition. Now that I’ve blocked his number and email I feel so safeguarded. I cannot believe that I didn’t kick this fool to the curb when he told me he was not leaving his wife. That’s on me although he could’ve done right by his loved ones by not engaging in a romantic relationship with someone. Please consider the block.

    • Thistooshallpass

      Hi Lois,
      I wrote you yesterday and after sleeping on it and a horrible talk with him today I want to revise my response. I’ve decided to cut all contact and move on 100%. Friends is not an option for me. I don’t think friendship and feelings can coexist. It hurts so much and today I feel really f’ed up over everything. I’ve set up a new email account and plan to delete my old account that he used. I’m going to block his number and at work keep our convos strictly professional. It’s going to be a tough adjustment but having him in my life in any capacity is excruciating and soul crushing. I literally can’t wait to put this behind me and move the heck on. Please read some of the posts below on no contact and why it’s absolutely necessary to sever all ties. I’m sure after a few days pass I’ll feel really weak but I’ll have to remember his recent line to me about what he is going to say to his wife on their death bed. Um yeah… daggers in the heart. F him and this entire toxic relationship. If you want to chat privately my new email is lotusblossom1118@gmail.com.

      • Jazzman

        Hi Thistooshallpass, Lois, Felk,

        I’m just responding to everyone if thats ok. I’m also giving myself a different name from Louise. Since its confusing af. I was not sure who was responding to whom at a point 🙂

        My situation is different in the sense I don’t have to see MM at work. So its great and I can do NC. I completely 100% recommend not being friends. I’m sorry but friends are there to support you, to make you feel better, to share in your joys and sorrows, and NOT to the cause of your pain. Would you willingly be friends with someone if you knew that they will take advantage of you. Should we not protect ourselves? Even if they do not take advantage, you and MM have a history. You have a sexual primal history. It will give you flashbacks if you keep seeing him. This is why trauma victims do not like to go to the scene of the crime. In this history of relationships – it will be said that anyone who has stayed in Contact, will eventually get back to old ways. It’s just the way we are built. Nobody stays in touch with their ex-husbands correct? If you miss him, if you miss the companionship, tell me what good is it to get half of that? you will NEVER be able to move on if you get any of it from your MM. Your heart will always be tied to your MM and moving on will not be a possibility. If you need companionship try to replace it in more healthier ways. Like with a friend, a dog, another available guy anything. a hobby. but not your MM. Value yourself more ladies!

        Love,
        Jazzman
        alliswelllouis@gmail.com

  • Need help

    I need support from all of you…. (excuse my English) I’m in love with a MM and want to stop, we have been working together for 10 years, and I know him very well professionally and socially. 5 months ago I decided to have the “summer of yes” after being single for 11 years and when he asked to see me I said yes, and stupidly me thinking it was nice to have someone to like me and desire me it was a trill, I’m 45 and dedicated the past 11 years to being a single mother, his attention was just everything I craved and imagined it will be, the sex, texting, small touches and kisses during work was the best I ever experienced…. it supposed to be a summer fling, while my son was out with his father, but I couldn’t stop. I knew he was married and there were no promises made at the time. 4 months after we started I tried to end the affair, but he asked me to just be patient and wait for him, that he was going to leave his wife, i said nothing, and continue with the affair. I
    I noticed nothing was changing and found out he took his wife to a work event, after he told me that he asked for the divorce, of course I confronted him and he told me she showed up with out him knowing (i know). Anyways, by this time I’m deeply in love with him and can’t stop it, we had a deep conversation two weeks ago and he asked again for me to wait and I agreed and give him until may 2018 to get his stuff in order…. well, I can’t do it, i went to thought a divorce, a painful one if I might add, and I can see he is just full of it. He is 51 and doesn’t have kids with her, he could just ask for the divorce if he really wanted, move out and file for the divorce if he REALLY wanted one….. so this is where I need you, all of you to encourage me and be my support, I can’t tell anyone about this, and I can’t do it alone. I always thought I was happy, beautiful, smart and independent, endured my first divorce and have done amazing things with my life, but it seems this has taking over me and I’m not myself anymore…..

    • LifeLessons

      Hi Need Help,

      You are much stronger than you know. If you have been able to endure this…you are one hell of a woman! Therefore when you are ready to end it, you can and you will. I am sure NO CONTACT will be challenging for you if you are in the same work place. I am not sure if there is any way for you to be seperated from him while at work ?! If so, try that out. However, you have the will power to do whatever you set out to do. A single mom for 11 years ?! Again, youre a hell of a woman and please dont forget that! I am a single mom of 2 and dealing with that by itself reminds me constantly of how strong I am. I found that writing in my journal is helpful for me as well. Its hard not being able to talk to your good friends about this…you typically rely on them to support and encourage you. Unfortunately, this situation is not many of us are willing to share with our friends. I strongly encourage therapy as well. Its helpful when you are finally ready to end things. Therapy has helped me overcome many things in life. I went to therapy regarding my current relationship with a mm and the therapist told me if I wasnt ready to leave him alone, therapy wasnt going to be as useful for me so I stop going. I know that was not the right choice to make but I knew I wasnt ready. I believe when we are really ready to move on we will. Your mind believes what you tell it. If you believe you are stuck, guess what….you are stuck! If you continue to tell yourself you deserve more and you dont have to put with someone elses baggage, guess what…you will move on. Of course, just like anything else, it takes time. We are here for you, Best Wishes!

    • Felk

      Hi Need help, my best advice is go with your gut feeling. If you feel that he is full of it and making excuses and lying, then I would encourage you to end the affair. I know that’s MUCH easier said than done, but, as you hear from a bunch of us here, the longer you are in the affair the harder it will be to get out. You’ve been in the affair for 5 months? I know you are already emotionally invested, but the sooner you leave the better. From experience, I can tell you that, 5 months into my affair, it would have hurt to end it, but it would not have been the terrible pain I felt when he ended it after 5 years. (That was three months ago, and it is still hard… given that we work together.) If you feel that he is sincerely trying to leave his marriage, you can set a date (in your mind) to see if he really will follow through. As a lot of people have said on here, if he really wanted to leave, especially since he does not have children, he would leave. It is complicated, but it is that simple. If this is a man who you trust and potentially see yourself having a long-term relationship with (were he to get a divorce), then I would suggest open and honest communication. You’ve made an ultimatum for May 2018, but there’s no rule that says you can’t move that earlier if you need more from him. If you are past the point of trusting him to end his marriage or you can’t wait any longer, then dig deep and try to end your affair (and cut off any contact that you do not have to have with him). As many others on here have said, cutting off contact is a key part to healing. It is VERY hard to cut off contact with a person you love who is also a friend, but remaining in contact only prolongs the hope and the pain. Also, there is some truth in the saying, “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, it was meant to be.” Leaving your MM might be what it takes to get him to understand that you are serious about wanting him to make a choice between you and his marriage. Right now, he can have it both ways. Why would he end his marriage if you’re willing to stay in an affair with him? So, sometimes you have to leave to show him that you are serious when you say you want him to leave his marriage.

      I work with my MM (and I’m a MW), and my MM and I are trying to remain friends (since we had a good friendship before the affair… which led to the affair). It’s been hard. I want the friendship with him, but I also feel that it strings me along, reading signs of more where there are none or hoping that he’ll eventually want to restart our affair. Because we are friends, we’ve talked about how we feel, and he feels the pull back to us, too (as he tries to stay committed to the break-up and his marriage). I say this all, though, to tell you that it’s gotten a lot better for me. My MM ended our affair 3 months ago, and, even though we work together and still socialize at times, I’m healing. For maybe 4-6 weeks, I felt a lot of loss and sadness, which were particularly difficult at work. But, for the last 4-6 weeks, I’ve felt better. I’m coming to terms with the affair being over, I feel more myself, I have hope we can have a friendship, and I’m trying to build closeness with my husband. There are a lot of factors that go into getting over the affair, but the two main things are time and space. Even though he and I still see each other, we have cut down communication dramatically. It’s very hard initially, but it helps.

  • J

    I woke up today after after 4 days of nc feeling so angry and mad at him. The first day he texted me several times until I blocked him. Then the second day he emailed saying please, please don’t cut off all communication with me. But also confirmed God has told him he’s doing the right thing by not seeing me. I’m feeling uncontrollably angry. I feel like I might even want to tell his wife. I don’t know if I can handle this. Or I might break and send him some very mad email. I can’t talk to anyone. I’m going crazy in my own head. I don’t know what to do. We truly used to talk non stop all day. It’s only 9am and we would’ve already have spoken 20x by now and probably have seen each other running and talked on the phone by now. Is he missing me too? This is soooooo painful. I can’t take it.

  • ForeverWaiting

    EVERYONE – this is a repost to a reply. But as it is coming up to Christmas I know its hard, was almost 4 months for me this time last year, I timed it but fortunate to date a guy 3 times in September 2016 (he’d veen cgasibg me 7 years!) and then met my bf in November. I was still healing and going through the motions but I made a choice. I was signed off for stress leave. Anyway, please read. All I can say with NC it is hard but you have to put focus elsewhere. We in the 21st century are unfortunately attached to our phones, but also without Lauries amazing website (thanks Laurie, you are a blessing in my life I have never met!!) I may still be in a worse position!.

    I read and read and read. I’d jump up at 5am to see replies on here, be on my phone all day at work reading LB stories here (my colleagues noticed this!!). But instead of me thinking ‘I’ve gone NC, not contacted him, the bastard hasnt even text me’ (we used a messaging service he hid on his phone, more recently its been linkedin, haha these men NEVER change!!!!!) I read here and spoke to others. After 2 months I stopped checking when he was online and then deleted the app. He added me to whatsapp….. i kept checking that…. then in time took his number off my phone.

    It’s a gradual thing and do the NC as best suits you. BUT…. if you just miss the chit chat and attention, you need to find a way to fill that void. Lots of advice on this website and just chatting here can do that. Become obsessed with reading about narcs (google this) and I can tell you something….. you wont want to text back. Makes my skin crawl!!! do not think your MM is anything but one! It hurts, just remember you won’t die and mental pain heals.

    You were a WHOLE person before you met this predator who pounced on you at a vulnerable time, you are still that WHOLE person now. You’re also a lot stronger too, you just don’t know it yet!!!

    Sending you hugs and energy, I know how tiring it is –
    mentally, physically, emotionally and worse – spiritually!
    The fact they mess with our beautiful spirits (as we are empthatic people) is utterly unforgivable.

    Right – read about Narcissists. Google HG Tudor – he is hardcore and if you find it too much, look at the website
    Quora and read expert advice. EDUCATE yourself and this goes to EVERYONE!!!!! And I don’t mean hours…. I mean MONTHS – READ READ and READ!

    I’m 15 months out a 3.5 horrific affair where I was totally controlled during my last childbearing years. I still READ and NARCISSISTS daily. So everytime you want to reply (but best off block him, although theres always a way to contact you with modern technology) – READ! Come in here – read the stories – LEARN – they are the same, NONE of us are exceptions, NONE.

    That’s how I did it – I kept returning here…. even in the middle of the night; reading love blossoms, stuff about narcs – was awful at first but helped and then explained my situation. Goal post moving, we are objects, we fulfil parts of their lives.

    For those that are married here – concentrate on that or better – leave your marriages AND MM – start afresh as neither are healthy or right.

    For those going round in circles – break free, expect it to hurt for months and be the hardest thing ever, because its the oddest and loneliest situation ecer, but I promise in a year, thia time next year you won’t even care about the MM and breathing a sigh of relief!!!

    A wound will hurt, scab over and then heal.

    All the time my attached man (but gf of 15 yrs and 2 kids) soent with me he should have spent eith young baby (!)…. what a disgusting human. And yeh we put these guys on a pedestal!!

    The connection you think is amazing is because they mirror you (read up)

    The excellent sex is because you do it in secret (read up)

    Its not love as you dont know them full time, 7 days a week, normal life (read up)

    They control you (read up)

    Inseatd of waiting for their texts – read read read and educate!!! Come here and talk to others and throw yourself into all the relationships you’ve let go downhill because you’ve focused on a MM who is giving you nothing ans starving his poor wife and children of attention. His wife is not the b1tch of ass he amkes out. Narcs blame everyone else, everyone foe their misfortunes. My ex AM blamed his ex wife, she was mad, his current long term gf mad…. but still stayed witg bwr 15 years and had a chils wuth her too… so mad stays with her? nah, ge is happy to have an awesone good looking fun intelligent mistress on the side and lie to both! I was promised the world and delivered nothing but lies but also controlled to the point he wanted to know where I was all the time and I wasnt allowed to date. Please; don’t go through my loneliness. Break free – be the survivor – not the victim, have a New Year. New you. Give yourself a chance and smile! Read and educate instead of replying.

    Make NC about something else. Make NC about freeing time up to LEARN. Much love xx

    • Felk

      I have to reiterate the advice from ForeverWaiting. I know a lot of what she said is what we’ve read before, but she says it so clearly and directly and she repeats all the important information. Most importantly, cut off contact. That is what is going to work the best. It’s going to hurt a lot. Like, a lot a lot. But, as ForeverWaiting suggests, replace that void as best you can – read, talk to friends, write, etc. You will get over this. Just keep that in mind. It won’t be fast, but it will happen eventually. I’d also suggest allowing yourself to be sad and really sad. It’s normal in a situation like this. Yes, it sucks bad, but knowing it’s going to suck for a while can help you feel a little control (about something that feels entirely out of your control). I’m about 10 weeks out of my MM breaking up with me, and it really does get better over time. I still have days of sadness, of course, but I also have days where I’m not sad and I feel like myself again (and I wouldn’t have said that a month ago). As some of you may know from reading here, I work with my MM and we are still friends. That makes it VERY hard to move on. This is why I support NC. He and I have reduced contact, but we’re maintaining a friendship (that involves spending time alone once in a while). Different things work for different people, and, for me, I wanted this friendship (even through the pain). It has not been easy. It is STILL not easy. He feels similarly, and I feel it helps me (sometimes) to talk about with him and (sometimes) it’s worse after talking about it with him (because I miss him). But he made a choice. And the most important truth for me in all of this is that. He chose his family (and rightfully so), and I need to move on. It has been very hard to accept that truth (i.e., how can he let go of our love?), but he is doing what’s best for him and his family (as promised in his marriage vows and when he chose to have kids). I don’t know if he’s a narcissist. And if he is, so am I. I know some of these MM on here are awful to you, but he was not awful to me. We had five years of a difficult/lovely relationship, and, sure, there were narcissism signs from him (but I have those tendencies, too, after all I’m all married). So, sure maybe he is a narcissist, but mostly what I focus on is the fact that he wanted the relationship to end. I cannot make him be with me. I want him to be with me out of choice, and if that’s not his choice, I don’t want it. We all deserve someone who wants us and only us. I’m not there 100% yet, but that’s what helps me… as does reading, using the Mend app, and journaling about my affair and my marriage.

    • Louise

      Hi ForeverWaiting
      How did you deal with the fact that he might never pay for his sins? I sometimes wishes his wife would find out. But I know its wrong to tell her. How do you deal wit the fact that people do terrible horrible things to another human being and just get to walk away.

      • ForeverWaiting

        Hi Louise, firstly, it’s best to always calm after you start the NC or calm down the contact (I slowed the contact down, 10 texts a day to 6 to 3 to 2 to 1 then none…. I weaned off him, then went NC, you need to fins what works for you all).

        Oh yes – I wanted to tell his long term gf and the ex wife (he has a 15 yr old with her and lives 15 mins away – gis ex wife hates the gf of 15 years and would bave delighted if spilling the beans – that hate each other – what a fire I’d have caused as the in laws also live so close AND the old in laws hahahaha!)

        But – one thing a much young (late 20s) Danish friend of mine said who met him a few times ‘never ever tell the gf, he is unhappy, he is a lonely sad old man, let him live, in denial, in his own shit’ – she said that before I stopped talking to him, how very right she was and is!!!

        Why? they broke up in 2010 after 6 yrs of being together very briefly and within a week he’d hooked up with someone else. They got back together 2 months later ans his gf found out a year later and she flipped, and has never let him forget it.

        Another – he will always be worried I will spill the beans, there is always a chance I will tell mutual close friends; my friends could easily send her photos. He is relaxed ad I doubt does worry, but there is always a chance.

        And…. I am in a relationship, I bave something he does NOT have. I’d hate to be him, them, the kids. He has nothing. Even if he fell in love again (impossible – no respect there, please dont worry about that, the marriage is BS and a laugh!!!) its not real – none of it os. Xmas day, bdays, easter – all a lie. And when I’m curled up on the sofa with my wonderful boyfriend in my faithful relationship with just the 2 of us – I just want to thank him, the ex AM! For setting me free to find a DECENT human. Hell, I almost ended up wasting my life on a dirty Asshole!

        Also…. this is the big one too…. You tell the wifw. All hell breaks lose. He knows stuff about me, I could get in trouble. Apart from that. Shit happens. Family goes mad. Kids split up. Wives leave. Broken man. You laugh when they break up and he’s single and lonely and loses home and money. Deeo down best thing as he doesnt love his wife right? Ok, so a few years go by, ex wife finds lovely man (good for her!) remarries and lives happily (excellent)… ex MM also has got ovwr hell, dates, finds new love, is happy, marries.

        You see the thing is – you tell the wife, he loses everything – in time all will heal; kids settle – you’ve just set your ex MM free!!!! he will get over it as he is a narcissist and most normal people do move on. He doesn’t respect or love his wife anyway, why set him free to find new happiness?

        Focus on you…and let him always bave that worry you’ll say something – don’t do his dirty work and don’t set him free from his unhappiness!!

        I’m so happy now in my PURR relationship. My bf is in the kitchen cooking, I’m sure my ex AM is at home lying to his gf using her as an object.

        Narcissists don’t possess normal emotions. Leave them to swim in their own shit as my friend said, they are already paying for their sins!

      • ForeverWaiting

        Sorry for my typos! So hard on my mobile bit hope that makes sense!

        At the end I meant PURE.

        He knows I laugh now… I walked away and it’s obvious I used him to get a job then turned it down and hardly spoken to him since.

        I feel nothing. You will feel nothing. We live on emotions

        There is so many bad things going on in the world the ex AM is SO IRRELEVANT I’ve no desire to even TRY to make him pay…. I’m doing that by being so happy with my life whilat he carries on being the sad same person he was when I met him 6 years ago. A liar. He tokd me his Dad had cancer 2 years ago and his Mum in law, now I think tgat was a lie too!!

        Letting go is the most liberating thing as focusing on myself I’ve come leaps and bounds, I focused on a guy with a family and whom already had a life for 4 years – I got NOTHING out of it!!! As all those promises of a house, job ay his company and children with him were lies.

        Paying him for his sins would backfire and waste more time. So I focused on me which left him to swim in his poop. Found out he is skint, hiding behind his 6 years old and still hasbt veen on the holiday he moaned ge hasnt been on cos if ‘us’…. full of BS he was! 4 years of my life.

        Please girls….learn from my experience – treat it like any normal break up!!! Stop saying its hurts..of course it does… but it will go after months… stop counting NC days… see it as for good…

        Much love x

  • EmotionallyDrained

    I’m so glad I have found this site with all you ladies on here. I’m in a horrible situation I just cannot seem to get out of. My head is exhausted from the time I have given this man and I just want to stop and him not be in my life anymore. This is what my head says but my heart is in so much pain I just keep hurting myself going back to him time and time again! I’ve been reading all of comments for a a week now and it’s really helped me with the NC part which I did for 11 day’s and then he’s contacted me tonight and I’ve let myself down and replied! Wish I hadn’t at all!

    • ForeverWaiting

      Hi EmotionallyDrained,

      Sending you hugs and energy, I know how tiring it is –
      mentally, physically, emotionally and worse – spiritually!
      The fact the mess with our beautiful spirits (as we are empthatic people) is utterly unforgivable.

      Right – read about Narcissists. Google HG Tudor – ge is hardcore and if you find it too much, lool at the website
      Quara and read expert advice. EDUCATE yourself and this goes to EVERYONE!!!!! And I don’t mean hours…. I mean MONTHS – READ READ and READ!

      I’m 15 months out a 3.5 horrific affair where I was totally controlled during my last childbearing years. I still READ and NARCISSISTS daily. So everytime you want to reply (but best off block him, although theres always a way to contact you with modern technology) – READ! Come in here – read the stories – LEARN – they are the same, NONE of us are exceptions, NONE.

      That’s how I did it – I kept returning here…. even in the middle of the night; reading love blossoms, stuff about narcs – was awful at first but helped and then explained my situation. Goal post moving, we are objects, we fulfil parts of their lives.

      For those that are married here – concentrate on that or better – leave your marriages AND MM – start afresh as neither are healthy or right.

      For those going round in circles – break free, expect it to hurt for months and be the hardest thing ever, because its the oddest and loneliest situation ecer, but I promise in a year, thia time next year you won’t even care about the MM and breathing a sigh of relief!!!

      A wound will hurt, scab over and then heal.

      All the time my attached man (but gf of 15 yrs and 2 kids) soent with me he should have spent eith young baby (!)…. what a disgusting human. And yeh we put these guys on a pedestal!!

      The connection you think is amazing is because they mirror you (read up)

      The excellent sex is because you do it in secret (read up)

      Its not love as you dont know them full time, 7 days a week, normal life (read up)

      They control you (read up)

      Inseatd of waiting for their texts – read read read and educate!!! Come here and talk to others and throw yourself into all the relationships you’ve let go downhill because you’ve focused on a MM who is giving you nothing ans starving his poor wife and children of attention. His wife is not the b1tch of ass he amkes out. Narcs blame everyone else, everyone foe their misfortunes. My ex AM blamed his ex wife, she was mad, his current long term gf mad…. but still stayed witg bwr 15 years and had a chils wuth her too… so mad stays with her? nah, ge is happy to have an awesone good looking fun intelligent mistress on the side and lie to both! I was promised the world and delivered nothing but lies but also controlled to the point he wanted to know where I was all the time and I wasnt allowed to date. Please; don’t go through my loneliness. Break free – be the survivor – not the victim, have a New Year. New you. Give yourself a chance and smile! Read and educate instead of replying.

      Make NC about something else. Make NC about freeing time up to LEARN. Much love xx

    • ForeverWaiting

      Hi EmotionallyDrained, read my comment above. Much love and hugs. Stay Strong, stay the whole person you were before you met. You need you, not him xx

      • EmotionallyDrained

        Thanks ForeverWaiting for your reply.

        I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m married, in a marriage with a fantastic husband and two amazing girls and then there’s him….. he’s not married but living with his Long term GF and young baby. We had no contact for 18 months in which this time he has his daughter then a month ago he got back in touch with me out the blue…. saying he was missing me and wanted to know how I was. This is just a snippet of the story as what happened before we cut contact 18 months ago was a f**kin car crash. My husband found out and luckily forgave me after a hellish year. You couldn’t write in a book what happened before and after my husband found out. Anyways I’m just lost. This guy is complete wanker, doesn’t treat me in a way that I deserve but yet I just keep talking to him like a fool. What is wrong with me. I know what’s right and wrong I know I should in no way be in touch with him at all but I just don’t know what it is!

  • Holly

    Ok I was just about to ask the same question. I believe that NC is the healthiest way to rectify this situation but I just can’t and I feel so tortured when I do. We have become best friends too and it’s very serperate from our intense physical connection but it also leads back to it bc we both can only give so much self control. For the first time since I’ve met him he has told a future for us is not possible and that helps so much. I’m not going to beg for someone to work towards a future with m. When I apply no contact is feels worse. But when I can talk to him and he remains platonic I can be ok mostly. He never holds it against when I do lash out. I apologize bc I don’t mean to. Yes I do want to be with him and it’s frus but I also don’t want to lose my best friend.

    • J

      I know exactly how you feel. I’m going thru the exact same thing. I try to stay away but it kills me. I feel I’m being tortured I miss him so bad. He’s my best friend. But then again, why would he hurt me the way he did detailing the sex act. We’ve tried to be just friends in the past too but can’t seem to maintain it. He always breaks down and touches me and one thing leads to another. But this time, I don’t want to see him or let him touch me after he had sex with his wife after 3 years, so he claims. He told me he was trying to work on things with her, but this is too much. No way. Said God is calling him to do it. I can’t get the sex act out of my head. It’s all I think of all day and night. I guess I was supposed to feel better when he said it was nothing in comparison to being with me. We haven’t talked in 4 days and I feel such pain. He sent me an email begging me not to cut him off from communication, but also letting me know that God said he’s doing the right thing staying away from me. I just don’t know. Part of me is praying he will come to his senses that he can’t live without me. Stupid right?!

    • Felk

      Hi Holly, I feel a lot of what you said. I’m still friends with my MM, mainly because we work together and because we were good friends before the affair (which led to the affair). NC is the healthiest response. I’m sure of it, given how much better I feel the more space he and I put between us. But, of course, we communicate at times (and hang out alone), and I’m choosing that over NC. Like you, it was too hard to imagine not talking to him at all, cutting him out of my life entirely. Thankfully, he still wanted my friendship, too. As you say, NC feels worse than spending time with him more platonically. It can still hurt in that it reminds me of what we used to have and now don’t have, but I feel we’re on the path to a platonic friendship and then it’s worth it. Granted, I worry that our platonic friendship will lead us back to a physical relationship and then we’ll be in a similar mess or worse (where he doesn’t think we should be friends). We’re taking it slowly, trying to be honest and open when we spend time together, and trying to be realistic about what our friendship can be. P.S. I miss him so very much still. 🙂

      If I were to give any advice to people considering continuing a friendship after their affair ends, I’d suggest a period of NC and then trying to get back into the friendship. He and I did not do a period of NC, and the first few weeks were excruciating. It was gut-wrenching to be around him and not be able to be with him. We would spend time alone (like going for a drink after work), and I would be so happy (i.e., that high), and then I would crash that night or the next day with the misery of realizing we were no longer together that way. Now, three months later, things are much better, and I don’t feel that horrible low after we spend time together, but it was WAY too tempting and teasing right after the break up and I wasn’t in a good mental place to be spending time with him knowing we couldn’t be more.

      • J

        I just don’t understand this. I’m so glad it works for you, but I don’t want to be friends with my mm. If he’s not going to leave her, then I’m not going to be his friend. I would feel he’s using my friendship to get through his marriage. I’d be enabling him to keep continuing. My mm has always told me that his wife his very boring and they don’t communicate well. That my personality and conversation brightens his day. So being just friends with him would be filling his void and allowing him to continue in his unfulfilling marriage. No thanks.

        • ForeverWaiting

          Yes you are very right – being friends with your ex MM who was using you, using his wife and everyone else around him is just fulfilling his selfish nasty needs.

          Who’s needs enemies when you have a ‘friend’ like that?! he is NOT a friend and anyone on here saying they’re friends with these MM in reality just can’t let go and just supplying these narcissistic men with the fuel they bleed from you – stop.

          Escape….. I feel very fortunate I could, their poor wives who aren’t in the know are living with vile cheats and they can’t escape. These are not people you want to call friends! Wake up…. love yourself and find real friends and put effort into those who REALLY care about you.

  • Lois

    What an emotional roller-coaster! Sadly, we do it to ourselves because we do have the power to stop it. It just hurts so bad that it’s easier to go back into the mess than feel the hurt. Or least for me it is this way. Several weeks ago, the mm that was in my life told me that things at home were slowly getting better, he wanted to take on more of an active role in church and could not as long as he was with me plus the guilt felt because of his kids was just too much. To get more of the story, you can scroll down but this pretty much sums it up. I read your posts and wonder why the hell I am so fixated on this guy. He has never initiated anything, never expressed his love only that he cares about me…well heck I care about lots of people but not do not sleep with them, so what does that mean? Anyway, it has been a rough going through the emotions because like many of you, I did fall in love with you. I understand love makes us do strange things but have do not think rationally. I am strong a person who has triumphed through hell in my life and do not understand why I am putting up this jackass. Every ounce of common sense leaves me when dealing with him. A weeks ago, I weakened and told him how badly I missed him but understand he needed to work things out, if possible, for his kids. I offered to step back and let him see if he could work things out and if not, I would be waiting for him. Keep in mind…this was a guy who was 100% certain it was over between…guess what, he agreed to my proposition, so to me it does not seem like he is that committed. So, I started the no contact for awhile except in group texts with coworkers. I had done so well and made progress until Monday. After an extended holiday, I saw him Monday and all of those feelings resurfaced. I was so mad at myself especially after contacting him. I told him that my feelings resurfaced seeing him and apologized for contacting him but I really missed him. Much to my surprise, he replied and said he felt the same about me. So, it has been all week back and forth, how we miss each other but struggling to be strong. I was off my chain yesterday and would have easily had sex with him. He refrained from the advancements but later told me that he was a wet mess thanks to me. We chatted back and forth. Today, he is having a bad day and grouchy. Part of me wants to be with him but the other part wants to be free of him. I asked him yesterday why he has never really been with me; it’s always been after work hours in the office. I have never seen this guy fully undressed. Strangely, I have fantasized about being, being with him, so I wanted to know the reason. He did not know what to say which is unusual for him because he do not catch him off guard but this did. He finally said that maybe it was because he always knew it was wrong so deep down he could not do it. Okay, I do not understand because being with me in his office is wrong too? So, I am more confused now. I know in my heart what needs to be done. I just need to block him from my life and move on. I am married to a man who finds me attractive but the passion is no longer there. I have been trying to rekindle it but not sure we can. Please keep me in your prayers as I continue to figure out this mess which I have created.

    marriage and if it did not work out, I would be waiting for him. Of course, he was fine with this idea for a guy who is 100% certain that he wanted to end things…sounds like it right. I have told him numerous times that I cannot have any contact with him but yet he still tries to say hello, good morning, etc. because we work together. I have done fairly well the past few wee

    • Hope

      Lois this guy is a jackass. In his head he must think of himself as some self righteous demi God. You don’t need this crap, you really don’t. What a moron! Just block him or stop contacting him and try to move on. Remember to treat it like an addiction, try not using/not contacting him. I can understand how it must feel being in a marriage where the passion seems to have been lost but let’s admit it, going to mm was not the option, we took the easy way out and now are paying (I did the same). But it’s still not late, you can do this. Just try to get through one day at a time without his attention. Find other things to do, be it work or making contact with family again. First few days of NC are hard but when you learn to get through your days without mm’s attention you begin to realise that it can be done! I’ll keep you in my prayers, all of you lovely ladies on this forum. Take care xx

  • J

    I haven’t talked to my mm for 3 days and it hurts like hell. We normally talk all day, thru text or phone calls, and we see each other at least 2x a day. We normally text all day, hundreds of times a day. We know every single thing the other is doing every minute, even what we eat for lunch. This is the most we having communicated in years. It’s killing me. I can hardly work and cried several times. I almost told colleagues. It was my limit when he told me in detail about his sex act with his wife. I blocked him on everything, but he found a way to email me and begged me not to cut off all communication. But also told me how God has called him to work out his marriage and a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. But he’s deeply sad because he loves me so much and I’m his best friend and he’s never had a connection like the one we have. I didn’t respond. But this is killing me. I don’t know what to do. I’m going crazy, I really love him so much. Will this absence make his heart grow fonder or will he forget me? Please help

    • Clair

      My MM told me basically the same thing. His wife is having surgery next week and he needs to step up on his end. I do understand that but it makes me so mad when really if you needed to step up you would of done it 2 years ago before you started talking to me. They get to feeling guilty and want to do right but their addicted to us as much we are to them. I haven’t seen my MM in almost 3 weeks but talked to him the day before thanksgiving.

    • Hope

      Hi J,
      I am so sorry for the pain you are in. Please don’t contact him, whatever you don’t contact him. Remember what women who successfully moved on said on this forum, treat it like an addiction because that’s exactly what it is. It hurts like hell because you are in withdrawal phase, trust me I am in the same phase and I know how it hurts. After weeks of NC and peace mm brought me to this same phase again but I am determined to move on for I don’t deserve this, no-one does. You being his best friend, they all say that, mm said that to me too. Yes mm told me the same thing that he never had that connection with anyone else. Whatever BS they feed us the truth is they want us to put up with the situation and stay where we are, nothing will change! Your mm crossed a line when he spoke in detail about having sex with his wife, I have serious questions on whether he even cares about you, may be you are just an object to feed his ego. How many more years are to be wasted trapped like this? It does hurt but as others said the pain will lessen each day. You don’t need his attention to get through your day and once you learn to get through your day without him you will be fine and days will feel much more peaceful. Find things to do in your day that will help you get through your day without his attention. You can do this, take care xx

  • Hope

    Hi all,
    Today I have hit rock bottom again. Ended things with mm more than a month ago but he keeps sending me texts saying he misses me and he is barely ok. I know this is a trap to suck me back in (this worked in past but this time I knew I truly could not take any more of this CRAP). He sent me a text saying me missed me and we talked for few minutes but then he didn’t reply for hours, me being the idiot that I am checked my phone every 2 minutes. Finally told him I am trying to move on but it’s hard for me to move on when he contacts me, told him to stop and that I can’t even be his friend at this point. He sends a sad emoji and says ‘that’s so sad. We are so close and so good’ so I ask him ‘If we are so good and if you love me that much why do you let me be in pain? No woman deserves to be in this secondary position’ he then said ‘fair enough I won’t contact you’ that’s it, didn’t even answer my question of why he never even thought of doing what was needed for us. I was doing so well and I am a mess again. NC brought peace until this happened. I do know with every message he sends I take 2 steps back instead of moving forward. I know I did the right thing

    • ForeverWaiting

      He is a narcissist. You are an object to him, to purely fulfil his needs. His wife is an object, friends, family…. colleagues – everyone in a narcs life serves a purpose.

      He will not answer you, even if he did, he does not care, things will NOT change. Block his number and accept only you can change things. See this as the same as the same as a break up (although when I ‘broke up’ I came to the realisation we were never together – you can’t be, they already have a family, we’re just extra objects, secret ones).

      Narcissists are wonderful actors, liars, they do superb jobs. In fact, many don’t even realise it and believe their own BS. They live in a fantasy world and blame everyone else, espeically the other half. Oh and then its the mistresses fault!. I wish I could add my story here, again (been on this site for 16 mths). But for work purposes have been in message contact for 4 or so weeks with my ex attached man after 15 mths of NC. He never came running, 3.5 yrs affair, he eveb STOPLED me getting a bf, we were planning fertility and at the point of treatment – 2 years of apps….they do not change. I pulled away when he lost his job and he lives 70 miles away….things changed, he was NEVER leaving, I was convenient. A convenient object. Men with hearts do not have affairs. I got the job at his work place. Luckily something amazing happened the same day the paperwork came through and I turned it down! Life is a funny old thing. And the best thing? we chatted and laughed via message for 4 weeks and now I’m so glad I dont have to see him again! Ive had a wonderful bf for a year who thinks i was just chstting to ex colleague/flatmate, this ex AM still secretly chatting to me – laughable! what a sad sad old man. Still a liar. Still living in secret! My new relationship reminded me what happiness is. Before I met him I was happier NOT having AM in my life after initial shock. But give it time. Took me a good 6 minths and thats even with new bf in my life. It’s not easy, but you won’t die. They are lying about everything – I wish I knew that from the start and I wish I had found this website 5 years ago!! Much love x

      • Trish

        You are correct foreverwaiting. It been 6 months of nc for me after a 10 year relationship with mm and his wife knew about me. He moved in April. Now listen, he left his cloths and kept th and parking pass. So did he really move. No. On top of that, he still wasn’t making his self available and had the same behavior when he was living in the house with his wife. He is a true narc and it would take the whole page for me to explain. He never came running either but his daughter stayed in my ear, which made me always go back. So he never had to do any work. This time I changed my number and she doesn’t have it either. One last thing, the last time we broke up for 5 months he started sleeping with one of my old employees just to pay me back. His words not mine. But still says he live me…LMAS OFF. it does get better and the pain does lessen each day.

        • Hope

          Thank you Trish for your words of a support. Wow 6 months, you go girl! So weird that his own daughter would want to help him do this, that’s sick. He slept with someone else just to get back at you! Yeah that’s not love. Yes these mm love only themselves. It’s just I was doing so well in NC and all of a sudden he says all this and now I am feeling the pain again. Absolutely no way I am doing that to myself again and going back, I’ll be strong and move on. Thank you Trish, you have given me hope that I can do this too, we all can. Take care xx

      • Hope

        Thank you so much ForeverWaiting for your advice, I really needed it today. I am so happy for you, I am glad you found a man you deserve and your work environment has changed for good (I have read your story and know you have been through a lot) He is a narcissist, as much as I don’t want to believe it, it is true. I am just an object to feed his ego. After 3years he never even spoke about leaving for me, it was never a consideration and me being the naive woman I am just hoped if I pleased him enough one day he would. It won’t happen I know, have realised it for weeks. I was suffering from post natal depression and he helped me at work and that was it, he is 33 years older than me I can’t even believe I did this, I am so ashamed of myself. I’ll move on and go back NC, no more entertaining him I told him I can’t even his friend so this is it. I was fine for weeks of NC and now after yesterday I feel like we broke up again. Thank you for helping me, God bless xx

        • ForeverWaiting

          Stop! I keep reading this on here and it’s the first thing us victims and poor amazing women (and men) have to stop doing.

          1) You are not naive; they are predators and narcs target vulnerable soft people at their most sensitive time. There you were with post natal depression and BAM….. here comes the narc to help…..

          2) You should NOT be ashamed, absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. Forgive yourself for being human, you again a target for being an empath, a highly empathetic person who was struck at a time of low self esteem at a truly hard time of your life, a little help, suddenly entwined in this unimaginable horror. I was in depression because I was still with my abusive ex…. when I decide to cut off with my ex AM, I was at breaking point – how does that work?!

          What we must all do is realise we are NOT to blame. We are not stupid, naive, dumb, weak, needy, sad amd all those other silly names we call ourselvesm We have been manipulated into this situation where our minds have been programmed to the point we think we can’t live without them. However intelligent we are, we have been programmed – every element of our lives….

          So give yourself a rest, pat yourself on your back and forgive yourself for being human with emotions.

          Everyone on this site trying to escape needs to understand you dont just feel better after NC for 10 days, or 3 months – the shock goes on for a while But it gets better, and life starts to go back to ‘normal’. But its the same as a normal break up, just harder as nost people dont know… and most cant support. So its the worst thing Ive been through. I cant believe I chatted to him for 4 weeks, just like old times, but so funny as soon as I turned the job down, as soon as I ssid many final few (friendly) words, I had no desire to chat to him.

          When you go NC, you will hurt, exoect pain, but instead of thinming so much about him/them… you need to start thinking about you. They have nothing to offer you, happiness, stability, truth, faithfulness or anything near to normality.

          It’s not until you’re months and months that you’re out of the situation you realise how screwed up it is. How they were having sex with their other halves..how they were having and do have normal lives – they lie to us, they lies to their wives and family. I despise him, I really didn’t want to return to my current work place, now realise what a blessing!

          So please – this is nothing to do with you, its all them. Give yourself a break… manipulation of the mind is a nasty thing. Love yourself, break out that circle and down a new road – no one else will do it for you, only you can; it really is that simple, one steo at the time xx

          • Hope

            Thank you ForeverWaiting your words have helped me on my toughest day so far. I was 4 weeks pregnant and today I lost my baby. I miscarried. I can’t help but feel all the stress I was in played a role. My daughter is almost 5 and I had my hopes high of her having a sibling. It’s all gone. Today hit me like a brick in face. I was so focused on sadness of losing mm, thought that was the worst pain ever. But no the worst pain is something happening to own baby/loved one. Today is new chapter in life, I’ll pray and move on. For so long I blamed myself for my situation, today from your words I do believe it’s not my fault. I’ll pray for all of you and your happiness too. Thank you for a helping a stranger in need. May God always bless you all xx

          • ForeverWaiting

            Hi Hope,

            I’m so so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. But stay strong and although it could have been stress, it may have been natures way of doing it’s little thing. I have been there many times (still childless, its fine, will come on to that) but you will get another chance, and maybe at a stronger time in your life when you’re not so emotional too :).

            Now you mentioned ‘I was so focused upset losing MM’ or something like that. What you need you realise is you NEVER had him – NO ONE has these men. Even their wives DO not have these men. Their children do not have these men. Their focus is never 100% genuinely anywhere except on themselves. They do not hols normal emotions.

            So yes your reality has only ever been your child, your family, your friends, your home, your work if you do and most importantly – yourself. These MM are NEVER EVER reality – EVER. Yet we waste precious months and years of stress. And our health. Our poor health.

            Everyone – please read:

            I suffered locked jaw for over 2 years and had to see a specialist, only now I am healing. My right jaw completely swelled to the point when I visited my parents (they are 300 miles away) my Dad noticed, he has onsetof dementia and notices little! I could not eat until midday as the swelling caused me to not be able to ooen my mouth after sleeping. It first caused clicky jaw and ny doctor said it was the wirat case he’d seen in 40 years. Then after a few specialist appointments another doctor daid I also had swelling in the ledt side. At the time I blamed my ex bf who was abusive – I realise now the ex AM caused all this!!!! He still to this day dlags off my ex bf but at least the ex bf was mine, 24/7!!

            Children:
            And also, with the AM we went through fertility tests – for those who dont know, yep the attached guy also webt as far as fertility hospital and all the appintments at 3 different units in 3 counties with me over 2 years! went to great lengths to keeps the BS up! I have multiple fibroids; these are so bad now and were 18 mths ago a doctor who has done scans for 20 years so she has never seen so many – I suffer badly, in constant pain, swollen; sick, anaemic. I’m 40 next year, the affair started when I was 34, what a waste of my most precious childbearing years. To play on what I was most desperate for – children of my own!!!! He even made me neet his young daughter when she was 20 months old; to pull my heart strings (what a wonderful father – her poor Mother, how disgusting!!) I met his lovely innocent daughter twice again after this- basically before she turned 3 and she got too old and before she said anything!.

            He would talk about us ALL lving in his big house all together as a family (2 daughters, our kids) us having fertlity and giving his young daughter and her half sister a proper happy family as his long term gf, his young daughters Mum doesn’t give her that environment and home is a sad place with 2 unhappy parents. What utter rubbish I understand now!!

            But 2+ years ago – I believed every word as he needed me to feel sorry for him, he created this fantasy world for us to live in, he created this hell world he had to live in and couldn’t escape yet and promised me the world including children and fertility.

            The MMs create a big lie. None is reality. The only reality is everything you had before you met. Every text, every meet, every thing they say, everytime they touch you, every present and every promise by the MM is a lie and not reality. You never llse something you never have. Hou can’t break up with someone you’ve never been with full time in reality.

            Take care Hope, keep warm; eat well, hold your 5 yr old close, your reality, what you have always had. Put every piece of energy into what you 100% have. Now read and educate as much as you can. When the time is right you’ll fall pregnant again and it’ll all be fine, I promise you. Your mind will be in a good place, the MM will be in the past and not even a thought and you’ll ve in a very good place. Much love xx

          • Hope

            ForeverWaiting I wish I could give you a big hug xx It’s true not all angels have wings and you truly are one for me and for so many of us on this forum. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so very sorry for all that you have been through, it’s too much. I cried when I read your post today about what happened between you and ex AM and how he manipulated you for so long. You are one of the strongest woman I know, we are all so proud of you ForeverWaiting and I pray you get all the happiness, laughter and smiles that you deserve. May God always bless you with happiness and good health. Having a miscarriage is heartbreaking, I was there in emergency and I couldn’t do anything to keep my baby safe, I just kept bleeding and it was over. The tears have stopped but the loss is still there. I am so sorry you had to go through miscarriages too xx
            The loss of my baby is way worse than anything else. I don’t feel any need to contact him and will make sure that I don’t. You are right ForeverWaiting I can’t lose something that was never mine. Thank you so much for helping me ForeverWaiting and for helping so many others like me. What a great and kind person you are, shame on ex AM for not being able to see that but his loss and he never deserv you anyway. I am so glad you found happiness. You are a blessing in our lives and in lives of everyone around you. Take care and I thank you so much for giving me strength at my most vulnerable phase.
            Love,
            Hope xx

    • Needhelp

      Hi Hope,

      I am in exactly the same position. After 4 months my mm is still sending me messages saying he misses me but has never said he will sort his situation out. The last conversation I had with him before we split was him saying he was going to sort it out. Three weeks later he went on holiday with his family. Yes it might already have been planned but it was the final straw for me.
      I know I should just block his number. I’ve blocked him on WhatsApp but for some reason I can’t bring myself to block his number completely. I guess I’m not strong enough yet. Hopefully I will be one day.
      It’s hard when they are saying how much they miss you. I know he cares about me but I will never be happy in this situation and it makes me angry that he expects me to put up with it. I won’t get sucked in again – I’m not going there. Hope you have the strength to resist. I know how hard it is. I think they know we find it hard and use it to their advantage.

      • Hope

        Thank you so much NeedHelp you have no idea how much your words have helped me, I needed this today I thought I was doing well and it all came crumbling down yesterday. Today I was frantically looking for advice here. I understand how you feel, mm going on holidays is always hard. Good on you for standing your ground, 4 months is great effort you should be very proud of that (I wish I am able to do the same, I know for sure I have no choice if I want to save myself from misery I have to do this/ We have to do this) . This morning I became weak again and apologised to him for lashing out yesterday. I know I’ll be fine again after few days of NC, I just need to get through this tough phase. I was on right track but he brought me down again but we all get back up. We are stronger than we know. Thank you so much for helping me.

    • J

      I’m so sorry. How did no contact bring you peace? Because for me it hurts like hell. I feel I’m being tortured. All I think of is him.

      • Hope

        Hi J,
        First few days hurt like hell but when I found things to do with myself during the day, whether it was work or making contact with friends again (no-one knows) it got better. I realised I didn’t need his attention to get through the day and just being on my own meant no drama which brought a lot of peace. Now I’ll go back to NC and do what I did weeks ago, good luck xx

  • J

    Who does that? What mm tells you they had sex with their wife for the first time in 3 years. Then says but it didn’t compare to being with you and I still love you. Who does that?????? What demented man looks at you in your face, a woman who has loved you with their entire heart and soul, and says that? A sick and crazy man. Definitely a narcissist. No good man would ever do that. Just end things with me and leave me alone. Don’t tell me that and stare at me waiting for my reaction. It’s truly the cruelest thing anyone has ever done to me. I will never love this man again.

    • Clair

      Oh that’s nothing compared to what my MM did one time. We were texting one night pretty hot and heavy stuff. Don’t hear from him for about 15 min. When he text back I said what happened? He said oh I went to the bathroom. Then he said I can’t lie to you, I went and woke my wife up and you can guess what happened! Like I can’t tell you the hurt and emotion I felt. He apologized and was so sorry saying he just wanted me so bad and thought about me the whole time. Still to this day that sticks out in my mind and still makes me sick. But what did I do? Acted like it never happened.

      • J

        That sounds sick and deranged. I cannot stand what these men do to us. Maybe some think we made our bed so now we need to lie in it. That’s just not true. We are people with feelings who got caught up in terrible situations. I feel I was used for so long. He knew my every insecurity and gave me exactly what I needed. He knew my issues from the past, he made me need him. Now I hate him.

        • Clair

          Looking back it does make me sick. And I feel sorry for his wife cause she has no idea who she is married to. And after that he gets mad at me for getting upset at that!!! It’s been almost a week since we’ve talked and 3 weeks since we’ve see each other. We last talked Wednesday before thanksgiving and we said our goodbyes and then that Saturday he posts to Snapchat a picture of him and his wife!

    • Hope

      J I think he is only doing that to make you feel jealous and compete for his attention. This is some sick move. Shame on him for doing this to a woman who truly loves him. Don’t let him get to you please. Stay strong, we are all here for you

  • J

    I am truly in so much pain I feel like part of me has died. He hurt me so badly tonight. Has been texting me all day and acting sweet. Asked me to meet him, acted normal and then said I have to tell you something. Tells me that he felt in order to really try to make his marriage work, he had to have sex with her. They haven’t in years. He has told me repeatedly, over and over, up until just days ago that he can’t get an erection with her because she’s so unattractive to him. Said he prayed over and over for it to work with her. Said he was able to get an erection, he thinks it helped because she left most clothes on. He said he couldn’t finish because he lost his erection but she helped him finish in another way. Said it was nothing in comparison to being with me. Said he did think of me during the act. Said he love me and I still drive him crazy sexually. I just sat there in total silence because I don’t have 1 word left for him. He then asked me if we’re going to run tomorrow as we usually do. I have completely reached my limit with this man. He has ruined any chance of us ever having anything in the future. I hate him so much right now and he completely disgusts me. I feel like I could vomit right now just thinking of him. I hope he is very happy with his choice because I never want to see his face again. It’s crazy how the face I loved and adored for so long has now become the most disgusting image to me. I hope I never see again as long as I live. I don’t even want to waste one word talking to him ever again. I need to learn to live without him, create new routines, and truly forget him and this horrific pain. I will never understand why this happened to me. I pushed him away in the beg so many times and he pursued me over and over. I will never trust like that again. This is the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. How do I move on like I need to? How do you think he will react to my complete ignoring of him? Please help me. I hope no one else feels this pain right now because it’s killing me.

    • Needhelp

      J,
      I am flabbergasted by what I have just read. This man is an absolute a*s. He tells you these things as if it’s a good thing he’s being truthful but he is a complete user with no respect for your feelings. I’m so sorry for your pain. I know how it feels to hit rock bottom – you think they can’t possibly do anything else to hurt you more.. and then they do.
      This man is not only disrespectful to you but also his wife. I’m so sorry but he will never bring you happiness, just like my mm won’t for me.
      As much as it hurts try and use this as the turning point – if you let him get away with this he will think it’s ok to treat you like this again in future. Use that anger and channel it to help you move away from him. You are too good for this. I’m so angry with this man!

      • J

        Thank you so much for your support. I’m stunned that he could be so cruel. I could never look at him the same. He’s been texting me several times last night and today since breaking the news to me. I’m truly disgusted by him. He keeps asking me to run with him and asking why I won’t talk to him. And also said he prays I will forgive him because he will love me always and forever. What in the world does he want from me? Does he actually think I want to speak to him after this and continue seeing him??

  • J

    Hello everyone,
    Another holiday gone, spent wondering what he is doing with his wife and family. Such a waste of time when I could be enjoying my life. He did ask me to run in the morning and texted me all day on and off. He’s been talking about his usual guilt. I told him I want to move on this week but then he texts me all day and acts like I said nothing. I said I’m so sick of it all. He said okay let’s be friends because you mean so much to me and you’re the closest person to me in my whole life. Said he loves me and I’m his best friend, but he can’t hurt his wife because that would be so selfish and against his religion to get divorced. I said ok, friends, so do not touch me. 5 hours later he’s kissing me and touching me. I should’ve said no but I love him too so it feels impossible to stop him. Afterwards he said we can’t do that and I agreed and told him I want him to work in his marriage. He said he does NOT love his wife romantically but hopes he will someday. I said okay, please work on your marriage then. A few hours later he’s sending me all these flirtatious texts telling for how much he wants me. Then in person started the physical contact again. He said he tries so hard to resist me but he can’t no matter what. Then the next morning again mentioned how he wants to try to rekindle romantic love with his wife, and prays it will happen, although says he feels nothing for her right now. Back and forth, over and over, it just keeps repeating. I think it’s quite selfish and demented to tell me he loves me and can’t resist me and initiate physical intimacy with me, and then a few hours later tell me he’s working on his marriage and wants romantic love with her. I feel like screaming at him to leave me alone then! It’s almost cruel the way he keeps telling me that. I know there’s only one possible ending, it’s just when will I be strong enough to resist him too. I know with our level of constant communication and seeing each other daily, it will crush him. I think that’s the only way to make him realize his true feelings. Right now I’m a bandaid on his marriage, making his marriage doable because he’s getting his joy from me.

    • Thistooshallpass

      Hi J. I’m here too after another holiday wondering and ruminating while they’re on vacation. It’s soul crushing and after this past week I’m so checked out. I’ve said it before but I have to make this stick. Living with resentment is poison and anger only hurts its container. I want to go into the new year with a clear conscience. Anyhow, your story sounds very similar which is no surprise. We all could write the same book with the quintessential tragic ending. He can’t live without us but can’t leave either bc of whatever f’ing reason they give. Let’s call a spade a spade. They want the comfort of familiarity and home and the romance of someone new. We’re just enabling their marriage and every time I feel sad I’m going to remind myself that without us they’re forced to work out their problems on the inside. I hope you and every one of us here can do the same when we have a moment of weakness. Let them stew in their own juices. We are a prize not to be taken for granted or accept anything less than 100%. God bless!

      • J

        Thank you. You are right. I’ve enabled his marriage for a long time. I think I actually fixed his marriage. He’s told me that he’s a much better communicator now because of me, and this will help him in fixing his marriage. Just another slap in the face.

    • Hope

      Oh J I am so sorry Hun!! Xx So sorry for the pain he is causing you!! You are right in thinking he is selfish. If HE NEEDS to work on HIS marriage he needs to stop messing with you!. When will you be strong enough to resist him?? when you decide enough is enough. I know the number of times I tried to break with mm but always went back. This time it was all enoug for me. There comes a point where we realise taking care of ourselves and who WE are becomes more important than some addiction. I have lost track of since when we are not together (think it’s a good thing). He still contacts me and tries to entice me back but I have refused. I need to this for myself, NC bring me peace. Take care of yourself J, this man is not worth your tears xx

    • Jo

      J, your words resonate so much with me! I broke up with my MM over a month ago and have been on a emotional roller coaster since. I was doing well the last 2 weeks, then on Thanksgiving, I stupidly looked up his wife’s facebook page and saw a happy family picture on her profile pic. I thought I was already over him, but as soon as I saw the pic, my heart dropped, I broke down and cried uncontrollably. That is just to tell you that even though I broke up, it still hurts like hell sitting at home wondering what he could be doing with his wife, if they have rekindled their romance and maybe having the best make up sex, making more plans for their little family together now that he feels all guilty about what he has done. At least my guy has never said he wanted to work on his marriage until I forced the question on him the day I broke up. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through having to deal with his inconsistent behaviors and affection toward you. Yes it is very selfish of him to play with your emotion like this, and that’s exactly what he’s doing, whether he’s aware of it or not. Please please just do it, end it with him. This is one of the things that you just can’t overthink but just do it. In fact, there’s nothing to think about, he’s happy with the status quo, we, the other woman, are not. Yes it will hurt like hell (I’m still in pain everyday thinking of what we used to do together, what we used to say to each other, our favorite/not-so-favorite songs, walks on the beach, food we shared, not to mention the amazing sex, how he made me feel appreciated and treasured). Yes, he is a good man, but not to me. Just like yours, he could be a perfect person, just not to you and for you, until he proves it with his actions, which will NEVER happen. You know it, just have to accept it so you can build up the courage to break up. Now after breakup, I really believe what stopped me from breaking up was my secret and unconscious HOPE that he would one day make my dream come true and be with me for good.

      J, bite the bullet and do it, there is true happiness waiting for all of us on the other end. You will be able to get over him, one day at a time, you can do it. Us women are stronger than the temptation to take the crumbs of love that our married men give us. Ask yourself if you were in his shoes and loved him this much, would you let him suffer everyday the way you do now ? Would you give him the best time in the world, then go back to your marriage and tell him you want to do the same to your spouse instead?

    • LifeLessons

      Hi J, you are strong enough. You have to believe that in order to make some changes when it comes to how you deal with him. If you are strong enough to tolerate his up/downs as well as his stories about what he wants with his wife…you are strong enough to walk away. I think a lot of us are looking for a certain type of attention and its part of the reason we dont walk away. We enjoy the attention we recieve and some of us have enjoyed it so much that we have fallen in love with a man that is enjoying himself with more than one woman. I think when you are fed up you will realize your strenght, you just havent gotten to that point yet. Continue to check in here for support it helps. This is a judgement free zone and I love it!

      • J

        Thank you everyone. Your words are helping me so much right now. I’m in so much pain with the recent developments of him telling me in detail all about having sex with his wife after 3 years. I be finally reached my limit. I blocked him in every way he contacted me. I’m going to dif places so I won’t see him. I can’t. He is no longer the man I loved. Every time I think of him all that comes into my head is his disgusting description of their sexual act. I wish I could get it out of my head but I can’t. It’s all I’ve thought of since he told me. I can hardly work, or talk to anyone. I just keep thinking of it. Why would he ever tell me about this? I’m so sad because deep down inside I had this blind faith that we really were soulmates like he told me so many times. I believed that our love would prevail. It’s the end of my faith too, which is also very very sad.

  • Monica

    My affair with a married man started 14 months ago. When we started he was married for 2 years, 1 kid. When I broke it off, 3 years married and 2 kids. I was devastated when he broke the news that she was pregnant. The baby was conceived just before we met as they wanted to have a sibling for baby number 1. (I did the maths and it all checks out!) He fought so hard for me to stick around and like a sucker I stayed. I have never felt this way about a man before and quite honestly I can say I probably never will. My wounds are still fresh and I can’t stop thinking about him.

    I broke down to him just after our 1 year and told him that I am tired and can’t do this anymore. I said he’s made it obvious that he can’t leave because of his kids so what does he expect me to do? He was speechless, he has been seeing a therapist about our situation because he desperately wants to be with me. The therapist contacts me regarding him and I’ve gone to a few sessions myself.
    After I ended it one night in a McDonalds car park, he messaged my mother on Facebook thanking her for raising someone like myself and telling her how he feels about me. My mum found out about my affair, as I still live with her (I’m 23 years old), so I came clean and told her everything. She recently went through a bitter divorce and wishes she had left a decade earlier, so do I! So she offered the only advice she could give based on her situation, “if you aren’t happy, leave. I stayed in a marriage for my babies and my ex destroyed me and now my babies have grown up and left me to live their own lives. I’m not with my true love and spent my entire marriage unhappy because I thought sacrificing that for my kids was the right thing to do.” MM agreed and thanked her for the advice. He still tried to contact me via social media so one day, after an anxiety attack, I removed him from social media and privatised all of my profiles. He messaged me regarding my move and I told him that his constant contact dragged me under every time. I love this man with all of my being. He has come clean to his cousin who knows every intricate detail of his life, this cousin isn’t fond of his wife and only wants to see MM happy. I’m not sure of the details of the conversation as the therapist reached out and told me. I feel in my heart he will leave, and not because it’s what I want but he is seeing a therapist, telling family that he loves me and even reached out to my own mum. He visits my family’s restaurant to see me and tries his hardest to remain in contact. Maybe our timing isn’t right, but I can’t help but feel so alone, sad and isolated. MM has told me that his children will one day meet their step-mum and he can’t wait to make me Mrs. Smith* (changed surname for protection). I would show my mum these messages and she would feel sorry for us both, she’s been in a position where she wanted out of her marriage and to find someone that genuinely loved her, but with 3 kids and being a single parent in the 90’s, it was hard for her.

    He knows our story, and if he ever reads this I want him to know that I will always love him, whatever decision he makes. Sempre e per sempre bedduzzo.

    • Lara

      Monica, I hope for the best outcome for you. I also hope he isn’t deluding himself you or both. But you know this already. Whatever happens: Stay strong! You deserve your own man to love and cherish you. We ALL do!

      • Monica

        Thanks Lara! It’s so hard for all of us, doesn’t matter the situation. The only advice I can give anyone on this forum is this, break it off. It’s not because you don’t love him, but simply because if you truly love this man and want to be with him, you want your relationship to come from a good place. He knows what it’s like to be with you and obviously feels a sense of happiness because he wouldn’t return. In order for the relationship to work, I do believe it has to come from a more pure place. Break it off because you love him and truly want to be with him, a clean fresh start will give the relationship the chance it truly deserves.

  • Holly

    I do completely agree. I’ve been reading this blog for a while now and it’s such a healthy support system in a situation where you feel so isolated. I really did think our connection was so unique bc I’ve never experienced it or heard of such strong and easy chemistry between two people (aside from those lucky few people everyone knows who actually found their person in life and everyone around them can see they’re meant to be). My biggest question is how are all our situations, feelings and connections so ridiculously similar? How do all these men act and think almost the same way? It does help me cope this whole thing isn’t a once in a lifetime thing and all this is so much more common then I ever thought. I haven’t convinced myself yet to believe what we have isn’t so special that I’m willing to endure all this torture to hold onto it, but bc of this support from all of you it’s finally a recognizable concept for me. So thank you all of you for sharing, supporting, and help one another through this.

    • LifeLessons

      Holly it is amazing how so many of us are experiencing the same thing and the men are similair. Sometimes I feel that humans have inate animal like tendencies. The need to have more than one “mating partner”…It seems like is such a difficult thing for men and women to be monogamous just as animals…they only know polygyny. This may not make any sense to anyone else but me but I find it interesting. Anyway, the purpose of me making that correlation was to say that is why so many of us are going through the same thing in my opinion. I know many people believe cheaters are the worst people who ever lived but theyre not. I am single and I use to believe that I would someday find the one person who wanted to share the rest of his life with me and only me. Well I got into at least 2 long term relationships(over 5yrs) and 1 short term(less than 5yrs) and each male cheated on me and within my family, my greatgrand father cheated, my grandfather cheated, my dad was a habitual cheater. I am a chatterbug, I talk to my friends, their friends, strangers, the homeless, etc and have heard so many stories from other women and men relating to them cheating or being cheated on, some of the cheaters has done it for years and has never gotten caught. I realize once you get married you are suppose to let those types of behaviors go but how do you let go of something that is innate ?! Again this is my opinion and maybe I am rationalizing it because I am seeing a MM lol…I know we all deserve someone who will love, honor, and respect us enough to be monogamous. It just seems like a rare commodity. I wanted to do some research to see what the commonalities were for why we find ourselves in this type of situations. I have gone on a rant(so sorry😩😩) but I hope I was able to articulate why I feel we are all in the same scenario! When we are ready to overcome this we can and we will…in due time!

      • Lara

        Hi Life Lessons, I used to think exactly like you! But time has taught me there are cheaters and there are monogamous people. In other words there are BOTH. Many men are quite loyal and monogamous by nature. And many women are the same. I do believe one can find a truly monogamous partner if that is what you want to find. Marriage takes work of course and commitment (!) but many couples do work on their marriages and stay quite happy. That was never in my “genes” however….I did not witness my parents in a happy marriage and I had no idea what a happy marriage would look like or how to find one! So I gravitated to what I knew: other people like me with relationship “phobias” or “issues” like always wanting an “out”. My former MM and MANY other MM’s have serious relationship issues as well. That is why their marriages do not keep them happy. It is often not the wife’s fault at all but of course that is who they blame. That is because they are not looking deeply into their own relationship patterns and styles. I know my MM well enough to know he has real trouble communicating intimately and expressing his true feelings, especially anger. When he was pissed off at his wife we always had a great time and great sex! (I only realized so much of this recently after our break up) I am in therapy and getting some help with my own intimacy issues which many so called “mistresses” have. For me I like a lot of space or I feel suffocated by a person. I am also afraid. I actually liked NOT seeing the MM every minute of the day so I could do things on my own. In other words, I liked having my own space and life. But I hated hated hated him having a wife! I will never do that again.I don’t think I could survive another affair emotionally. I hope this is helpful to you or someone else.

  • TB

    Just 10 days ago I ended my relationship with a MM that lasted 15 years. It has been an emotional rollercoaster these last years and this page has given me so much hope. I felt so alone. This break up has been very hard, but I can also say a part of me is feeling better already. I hope to post my story one day because I think it will be a huge step in my healing

    • LifeLessons

      Wow…15 years! I am 10 months in this and feel that it is such a rollercoaster and as much as I say I want to get out of it, I dont! I often wonder, how such a confident, beautiful, intelligent woman like myself has gotten caught up in a situation like this. Others have told me I have a heart of gold so i am just shocked at myself. This site is helpful and I am encouraged when I read this. Stay Strong and Best Wishes

    • cjay

      TB, having the courage to post is a start. I was in a 12+ year affair with MM#2. I haven’t seen him in 2 1/2 years. He still contacts me. I stopped answering calls a few months ago. It’s just too difficult to talk to him. He’s been texting a lot lately. I replied yesterday, I know I shouldn’t have. It was a text about something other than “us” and I do miss him, sometimes. It’s getting easier. I remind myself how he lied to me, how I isolated myself to be available for him, how I allowed him to ruin birthdays, holidays, etc. He and wife just celebrated 25th wedding anniversary. He kept telling me the same BS that others post here; they don’t sleep together, they make “appearances” for sake of family, blah, blah, blah. TB, you are not alone! We’re all here working through pain, grief, tears and heartache. Stay strong. Find the courage to post your story. Hopefully small steps will heal your broken heart.

      • TB

        Yeah ladies I dont know what is going on but life hit me like a ton of bricks this year. I have no idea how I got myself in this mess. I look back 15, 10 years ago and WTF was I thinking.Why didn’t I walk away when it was easier. Im 38 now he is 51. I dont want to waste anymore time with this man. Time just went by so quick and everyday I stay in this mess is another day I’m unhappy. We worked together for 14 years so that was a huge reason it continued so long. But I’m not going to lie, there are strong feelings there. Feelings I cant even explain. We were together everyday.
        He stopped by last night. I have him blocked from my phone and we didn’t talk for 10 days. I honestly dont even know how to stop this anymore. Its him that won’t let me go. I am trying so hard on my end to stop all contact. He will just come to my house, call my father and beg him to talk to me (yes my family even knows him). The longer you stay in this mess the harder it is for sure.
        I am so desperate I am thinking about taking 2 months and going to FL and staying with a friend just to be out of here and get my head together. I have a business that I just cant get up and go… but i am really trying to find a way that I can.
        I read your stories and I know how hard it is. Me and him sparked right away, our connection was ridiculous. He always chased me. I tried to run so many times. Everyone at where we worked knew we were together. He made things obvious. His wife found out about me many times, she has had boyfriends also. They have 4 kids together. Divorce papers been filed, then never signed. It has been hell. He says he knows deep inside we will be together one day…. but when he is 70 lol??? I just want to see what else is out there at this point. I went on a date last week and it was so nice to have someone I could talk about a future with. Just so hard to have feelings for anyone else right now 🙁
        Gosh I wish I could tell you all to RUN.. do whatever you have to do to get the hell out. But I know its not that easy. They give us hope only to never follow through.

        • Lara

          Hi TB
          I so enjoyed reading your post as I too had a very long term affair…the total time was twenty (gag) years. However there were many breakups and I did try dating other men and being in other relationships so the truth is over those twenty years, the MM and I were involved for ten total years and the other ten years i was off trying to forget him and live my life without him! And I did! But alas I always felt he was my true love (still do some days). He works next to my house and so unfortunately I have a deep association of “home” with him. He says his wife never really loved him and I believed him. But this spring I saw them holding hands in front of my house! I finally got a chance to confront him recently with that and he answered, “we always hold hands!” I just about died inside. I said this is the non-romantic marriage you told me about? He said “That does not mean anything else goes on between us”. Honestly at that moment I saw what a good liar this man is and always has been. Boy can he lie on his feet. Any man who can have an affair long term has to be a great liar just by definition. He lied massively to her. Now I know he lied massively to me as well. And he was definitely sleeping with her! What sane woman would stay in a sexless marriage? And since they were “always” hold hands they sure as hell have sex! The trouble is I thought I was different than her and that our relationship was real and that he would not “need” to lie to me. I called it quits at Easter and for the year before that we were mostly off. SO I am proud of myself for those actions. But this relationship and the mistakes that I made in trusting him and in giving him so much truly felt love and attention still haunt me.

  • LifeLessons

    Hi Everyone!
    I havent been on here in months. Im Pat and I too have a MM as a “boyfriend”. It was nothing I planned to get involved in. The first time I saw him was in 2015 at a sporting event that both of our kids are involved in and we had small talk refarding the sport maybe one or 2 times during that season. The following year our kids participated in the same sport where we would see each other again and this season 2016/17 he would talk to me. I never saw him with a ring or anything. He decided we would exchange numbers in Jan “17”. I was attracted to him from the few months of us chatting together during practices. We went on a date and one of the questions I asked was, are you married and he answered yes but…we just really pay bills together etc. I didnt believe what excuse he gave and i told him we could be cool but nothing more. I went on dates with him after that and we talked about many different things he invited me to work events where we joked about me meeting someone there. After 3 months of “friendly” dates we had sex. I felt bad but did it again and again. 10 months later I am still caught in this vicious cycle of him!

    It is such a rollercoaster. I like him, i lust after him and then I dont want anything to do with him. Due to my busy schedule I am not always able to answer when he calls or be available when he needs me to be so that has helped me to feel I still had some control. We havent had any major fall outs with one another but he doesnt like how im not available all the time. Well anyway this is beginning to really get weird for me.

    #1 Our kids go to the same school and he said his wife told him I seem like a sweet lady and if he could contact me to see if I could help them out by taking their kid home sometimes after practice. I could not believe what he was saying (I recalled a conversation him and I had one night while he was home and I said why are you calling me while youre home and he said oh she knows i talk to you) I said why does she know we talk to each other and he said because I give him info about school and activities and she asked how does he know and he told her from me. Ok, I was annoyed by this for a little while but moved past it.

    #2 Well last Weds he invited me to an event that is semi formal. I said she is not going and he said oh she will be there and I said what ??! He said yes, I said oh no you didnt…he said what he said is that too much, its too much aint it and I said yes why would you do that. He said ok you right sorry!

    #3 A few days ago I called him and he said guess what, my wife said she appreciate you helping us out and we definitely have to get you something for Christmas and I was just taken back by this. I said oh no she doesnt have to do that and he said but she is. I said there are a few kids I take home so this is nothing special because of US. He said she said you are really sweet and nice and she want to show her appreciation. I got off the phone!

    #4 Saturday the kids had an event we got to the school at the same time and he rolled the window down and said you know I couldve pick them up this time and I said oh its fine. We pulled off…I stopped home and then went to get something to eat and guess who was there…yes he was there too. So the lady behind the counter said awwww is that your girlfriend and he smiled and said yes she is. I looked at the lady with a serious face and she said so sorry. He said this is my girlfriend. I said stop it with an embarassed face.

    I have not spoken with him since yesterday but I am having some feelings and emotions about all of this. U was doing ok with controlling my emotions but I am beginning to feel overwhelmed. I know leaving is what everyone will say I need to do and I know that…It is so hard once youre sucked in. I do not want to be single for another year or so because Im stuck being the “girlfriend” of someone elses husband. I want to date and I make sure he knows that. He even said we could stop having sex until he has taken me on dates because he does not want me to think it is just about sex and in my head I said…it is just about sex. I would love to date other people and Ive been on dating websites but it is not working out for me. I just needed to vent to you all.

    Thanks for reading.

    • Clair

      My situation is a little bit like yours. Our kids are the same age. They were friends and that’s how I met him and the wife. Went to their a house a time or two to pick my child up from a play date. Next thing I know he’s messaging me. Innocent at first but then it got more involved and serious. Wife thought I was the greatest thing cause I helped out with their child from time to time. Fast forward to now it’s been 2 years on and off. We’ve broke up and got back together so many times. The longest we went without seeing each other is 6 weeks but talked a time or two between but I was over it. He really hurt my feelings so I honestly didn’t want anything to do with him. School started again and he messages me wanting to see me and talk and we ended up together again. He’s always the one to end it or say he needs a break. We are both married and its affected my marriage, and me physically and mentally. I’ve gained weight, I’ve lost weight and I’ve been a hot mess. We live in a small town so we see each other at school events and town events. It’s hard because I wish I didn’t see him and I could move on better I think. As of right now he doesn’t know what he wants. I’m so sweet to him and he can be so ugly to me and I wind up getting hurt. Just like today. I’ll text and he won’t reply. I know I don’t need to be with him but it is an addiction. For him and me both. When he does end it, I’ll start getting better and feeling better and then he’ll text and I’m back to square one. It’s a cycle that I just wish I never started on.

      • LifeLessons

        Wow…yes, very similair stories. I am single and thought if i had someone else to occupy my time and my mind that i would be able to get rid of him easier but I guess that is not the case…
        I dont have many friends to talk to about it so it is nice to come here and vent. I was feeling so weird about his wife saying how sweet and nice I am and knowing she feels like they have to get me something for Christmas.

        You were so right about it being an addiction and that is why its such a challenge to break away from the MM…

        • Clair

          As of today me and him are not together. He gets in these phases where he feels bad and says he needs to step up at home and he’ll say we need to stop. That’s where we are right now. Told him this morning I would let him go. Not because I want to but because I know that’s what he wants right now and that I’ll miss him: he replied and said he was very thankful for me and he’ll miss me more. I know he cares for me and he struggles just like I do. We want to be better but we can’t seem to really let go because if he doesn’t text me within the next few weeks I’ll be surprised. It always happens this way. I know we shouldn’t be together but I still love him .

          • LifeLessons

            I totally understand and what do you do ?! I mean really…once feelings are involved, you feel stuck. Youre not stuck but you have trained your brain to think that you are therefore it is extremely challenging to do something such as move on. The brain is so powerful, so much so that a lot of us have tricked “it” to believe we are not strong. When the truth of the matter is…most of us are SUPER HERO STRONG! A weak person cannot be in a situation like this at all. I am not saying you need to deal with a MM to know your strength but I am saying there is alot a strength in woman that can take on all of the baggage that comes along with dealing with any married man. I honestly believe that if we told ourselves WE CAN do it and WE CAN leave them and WE CAN move on and WE WILL we may actually be able to make changes…we typically say its too hard and I dont know how to let go. This is my opinion and if I did this myself I would probably be better off but since I dont listen to my own advice…I continue to stay stuck lol! Funny but not funny

          • Clair

            I totally agree! I know I can do it but then things will remind me of him and it makes me sad. I’m still friend with him on social media and I know I need to delete and cut all contact but a part of me wants him to see what I’m doing and then a part of me wants him to not know anything and wonder. I want him to miss me and want to know what I’m doing.

          • Lara

            Life Lessons You are inspiring me with that talk of us being STRONG. Yes we sure are!
            I totally agree. Maybe “too” strong sometimes if I may add. We bear up under incredible circumstances.

  • Lois

    I’m struggling today and have mm on my mind. The last time there was contact was Friday morning. I have posted my situation but very similar to many of you except we agreed neither of us would leave our kids. I never meant to fall in love but it happened. He’s never admitted his feelings only recent when he ended things again that by telling me his feelings would only make it harder for us to move on. We have been off and on for about 17 months. I’m on cloud none when things are good but it’s an emotional roller-coaster. He claims to have medical issues and only told me that he wouldn’t be able to hide his condition. He told a couple of coworkers he has brain tumor. My friend who had an affair with him said he told her about the tumor in 2013. I’m guessing there’s no tumor and uses this to his advantage. He claims the guilt eats him alive to be with me and how morally wrong it is because he goes to church except he lies about stupid stuff like saying things are ordered when he hasn’t done it, telling people one story when it really happened a different way. I pretty sure lying is morally wrong. Anyway, he ended things and I went no contact for about a week. I explained to him my silence was needed to get over him but he continued to say good morning or hi in the hallway. We finally spoke he told he was 100% certain to end things and work on his marriage but things have been better. I saw him and his wife leaving lunch one day. It bothered me and texted him. We charted through text and agreed the situation sucks but he had to end things. We tried it his way and stopped the no contact and tried to be friendly but nothing more. This doesn’t work for me because I am weak and he knows it. Thursday I texted him and he actually responded. He normally doesn’t so there is no evidence. We flirt texted. I jokingly told him that he was fired…it’s a joke between us. So Friday morning I sent a text to see if waS feeling better. He replied and I replied just had you on my mind. He replied why…thought I was fired. Then nothing…had not responded. So I said screw it and tired of the games. Then today, I feel so compelled to reach out to him but I’m trying hard to have no contact. Is it me or does this guy seem narassastic? I found out his brother was diagnosed with cancer in April which was about the time he ended things because of his health and told me he would not be able to hide his illness any longer from people. He claims his church wants him to take over communication but found out the brother who has cancer is also the communication director at his church. It seems he is living his brothers life or maybe it’s a coincidence but don’t think so. I am tired of the games but there’s an addiction like a drug. I need help to get through this and no people like you understand all to well how hard it is. Please pray for me.

  • Nomad

    Felk, I haven’t seen mm since 1Nov and he rang on 13Nov sounded platonic and no more Baby or miss me. Then mia for another week. I’m confident that we will not see each other in nov and Dec as long as I block him and he stays rational enough to forsake me. Nc is finally looking promising this time.

    Felk, you mentioned “there’s a reason every website and piece of advice on ending a relationship tells you NC is the way to go. Even if you think you’ll want to contact that person again, at least give yourself some period of NC (like 2 months) before you consider getting in contact again.” I think after 2 mths, I should be over him, accepted and adapted, i wouldn’t want to consider and dumped all my efforts into the drain. I’m looking forward to quit this addiction and move on at least for myself before repairing my marriage.

    I do not practice what I preach or decide too!! I am very sure I’ll not befriend him. He’ll be a stranger whom I feel indifferent. Yes it’s VERY hard but I’ve no choice.

    I feel you and all you said about “some days”. I too experienced the same. Least you still get to know that he missed you and thought about you every day whereas with each passing day of nc, I think I’ve faded to near zero existence and not even the lust is lingering.

    I am avoiding my husband and it’s really hard to rekindle the passion and desire, no way no matter what i try or hint. I won’t say I’ll keep trying because I am incapable of executing my decision as far as this mess is concerned.

    • Felk

      Nomad, you know I understand your pain. I still feel an uncomfortable tension, almost every day, between feeling in love with my MM and knowing that I have to stop being in love with him. It is an awful tension that is worse some days than others, but it’s generally just this feeling that something is missing. Thing is, I now know I want it to be over. I know I want that tension gone. For a while, I wasn’t sure I wanted to let go of the love. I loved the feeling of being in love with him and just didn’t want to let it go. But, now, I’m recognizing that I have to. It’s no good for me to hold on. It’s making me miserable, and even though I know it’s going to hurt a lot to let go of him, I want to stop feeling this tension every day. So, I accept that I’m going to feel sad and anxious for a while. We were in love for five years. That’s going to take more than two months to go away. But, I am committing my efforts to my marriage and rebuilding my closeness with my husband. For about a month after my break-up, I couldn’t feel close to my husband. I “tried” but I was still so overwhelmed with sadness that it did no good for me to try to force myself to be close to my husband. But, gradually, over the last month, I have started building closeness into our relationship again (e.g., picking a TV show for us to watch together on Netflix). Through this month, I have still found it hard to initiate physical intimacy. And I don’t even mean sex. I mean just holding his hand or touching his arm. But, slowly, I have tried, and he is responsive but not smothering or pushing (as I’m sure he can read my hesitancy, but has no idea why I’ve been so distant for years). But, last night, we lay in bed and watched TV for a few hours and I lay in his arms, and it felt nice. It didn’t make me forget about my MM and it didn’t make that tension go away entirely, but it made me feel hope that I can get close to my husband again. I know it will be slow. I know I have to be patient. I know there will still be pain, but I know part of what’s going to help me move on is rebuilding my relationship with my husband. You’re right to focus on yourself, too. I know I need to do that more as well. But I’m making sure to continue exercising to stay healthy and get that endorphins release. I’ve taken more baths, too. Just trying to pamper myself and also give myself quiet time to just think about it all. And I’m trying to force myself to stop thinking about my MM. That’s been the hardest part. My mind still goes to him as a default because there are so many daily reminders. But, slowly, I know that will change. It already is changing. I would like to get to the point of being indifferent about my MM. That would be nice. I figure that’s going to take quite some time, though. The hardest part for me right now is that we still see each other and are attempting a friendship. A very hard honesty that I am dealing with is that I’m not sure we can be friends (right now). And I’m not sure what to do with that yet.

      • Lois

        While reading your posts, I could totally relate to that tension feeling. The feeling like something is missing. The last time my mm ended things in June really knocked me for a loop. He did the day before I left for my family vacation which did impact my trip no matter how hard I tried to not think about him. What a jackass! The no contact really helped me but caved toy desires about mid August. ThIngs had been okay since. Of course, he would have his days of supposed guilt and wouldnt return texts or chats. It has been an emotional roller-coaster. The last time we were together was end of September. I have to initiate everything even communication. I know…how sad right and fell in love with this guy! Ugh. when he goes mia, my stomach gets that tension feeling and it’s a mental drain because I am awaiting for him to tell me it’s over. So for the past several weeks, I kind of had that sickening feeling so I was preparing myself. I went cold turkey for about a week with no chats, etc. He finally apologized for his distance and felt relieved. Then, I had a conference and he was there…thought maybe we could finally be together instead of an office after hours but he said no. He decided things were going to well at home and needed to work on his marriage. So. I do understand why I need to say enough is enough but it’s really hard. I miss the bantering and excitement of being with him…the thrill of the chance. He doesn’t like the no contact but it works better for me. I can’t be his friend right now. I’m too weak. I realized reading your post that I need to do what’s best for me which is to go cold turkey with no contact. Easier said than done because I have struggled all day and want to text him. I can’t do it….just keep telling mysrlf this is what he wanted do screw him. Thanks for listening.

      • Nomad

        Felk, among the stories here, I found yours closest to mine, our struggle and giving mm the benefit of doubts, finding excuses for them and trying to understand the ending is for the best in long run. it’s hard to hate hence I hope to achieve indifference. Except that I kinda envy you had a “good” five years with mm whereas I started to end after 12mths and the remaining 6mths was painful and helpless watching the love fading, contact dwindling to almost none, witnessing a death slowly and naturally. Finally he accepted and adapted. For each day without any sign of him, I think to myself “Thank you for not contacting me and making moving on easier”. I give myself a pat on my shoulder for taking baby steps for let things be.

        However, this morning I was crushed again… last fri he left a missed call when I was on leave and the moment I saw that familiar number, my heart failed me, I couldn’t breathe and tears just welled up. Then i saw a work email sent by him to our project group. He definitely saw my out of office message that i was on leave and would be back on mon. Then something caught my eye at the bottom of his email which felt as though I was being stabbed and left to die if I didn’t try harder to save myself. It was a one liner “Planned leave 1Dec to 1Jan” it hurts…. thoughts were torrential… what would he be doing, how is he spending the entire month? Work is suddenly not overloaded and stressful and that he could afford to be away? Is he going to clear up the other bedroom for his 2 girls so that he can sleep with his wife on the same bed? Easier to reach out to her and make out laying next to each other? (For years he’s been sleeping with one kid one one bed and wife with another kid on the other bed, that’s how he made me believed that they hadn’t sleep with each other for years and he’s ashamed to tell me because I won’t believe. Yes I don’t believe) what grand plans is he coming up to rekindle the sparks with his wife in dec? I just burst into tears when I was overwhelmed by all these wild imaginations. why can’t I do all these with my husband?

        Felk, hsve you ever want to confess to your husband, perhaps it might lessen or release the guilt within us? for the 5years together, did u have to suffer or cope with the jealousy, agony and tension of him sleeping with his wife? Or did u believe him that he didn’t or you weren’t affected whether they slept together or not. For him, I think he self talked to accept that it’s reasonable I slept with the legal one at home hence he would expect me to understand if he slept with wife. But I couldn’t and my marriage turned platonic and my husband thought it dry spell was normal. After im exhausted with all the lies he told me (he’s smart to lie that they didn’t sleep, wife was repulsive, kicked him away etc. to avoid my hysteria and over time learnt to tell me things I want to hear instead of the truth), I’ll shut down my brain and remind myself it’s none of my business, don’t reach out for any updates about him because I’m no longer involved and what he thinks, does and feels will only bring me more pain.

        Hope to hear your sharing Felk. My affair was cut short because I couldn’t manage my jealousy, insecurity, insomnia and the lies.

  • Cherry

    Hello everyone! I have been coming to this forum for awhile now, but have never posted anything. I’ve just read the stories and cringed to how similar they all are to my own story. It is absolutely awful that we all put ourselves through these emotionally draining and painful relationships.

    My story: about a year ago a met a man through a mutual friend. We talked and hit it off! It was an everyday talking type thing from morning until afternoon. In fact, it still is. However, I started to notice that the conversation would die off around the same time everyday in the afternoon, and on weekends we talked hardly at all. I became suspicious and sure enough, he is married! When I found this out we were a few months in. He was great at covering it up whenever I asked questioned. I was so hurt when I found out. But yet, I didn’t leave. And that was my mistake. Here we are almost a year into this love affair and it is tearing me apart. I found out he has 2 kids. One that is baby. In fact not even a year old. This made me feel absolutely awful! But I fell in love with him, and I just don’t know how to let him go! I know I need to because it is becoming too much to bare. He always talks about how miserable he is and that I just don’t understand. How he’s been unhappy for a long time but he just doesn’t have the balls to cause any conflict. Never once has he expressed any guilt to me about the situation. He says that I’m his everything and he would do anything to be with me. And that I’m his first true love and the only one he loves. She doesn’t interest him anymore and he has nothing left for her. All of these things he says, but yet he still won’t leave her. I know the kids play into because they are young. But why?! If you’re so unhappy, in which I truly believe he is! It just doesn’t make sense. And it is starting to really bother me.

    How can get the courage to leave the one person I love so dearly?! When will enough be enough?

    How do you guys do this for so many years with your mm? No way I could handle this any longer than I already have. It’s eating me up!

    • LoveHugsHappiness

      Oh wow had to reply to this in short – i started posting here a year ago when I had to change my life aroubd after alost5a 4 yr affair, where I was also controlled and it started off like yours – attached guy with 2 kids, 1 from ex wife but spent 50/50 with him and long term partner AND yep….baby under a year! we got close at work but I did find out a few months later re gf of 12 years and kids.

      Same lines…. I’m sorry. I had a full on life with him, left MY bf (right thing to do girls – read way too much on here about married women in affairs with husbands….why dont ypu see the problems – you’re unhappy with your current partners and with the WRONG partner, the affair is a great distraction and you’re totally ignoring that fact and just going on about the MM and focusing on them. Leave you marriage and let your poor husbands find women and loves that will not cheat – at the same time leave your MM too to their lives. Then go out there and start afresh. Its what i did and you look back to the utter madness!!!)
      anyway….yep 3 years on he stopped me dating so unless busy with friends life was lonely as dont love where i grew up and moved around, i kept myself busy but the pain is awful. We used to argue and he’d go mad saying he’ll prove to me he’ll leave. We worked directly with each other and mamy lost jobs last year including him – so suddenly didnt see him anymore as he lives 70 miles away, was awful. I was going through work stress too and we were due to start IVF! i theb started to hate him after coming on this website ans reading about narcissists etc. I look back and itbwas so twisted. It took me a good 9 months to feel strong agin but within weeks of NC I started to date, met my wonderful bf and been together a year. Ex attached man still with the gf of now 15 yrs he claimed to be sooool unhappy with and cried 5 yrs ago he couldnt habdle beibg with anymore, i was hia everything. He was leading 2 lives, he’d soend time with my frirnds and family when they visited and they thought he was my weekday flatnate. The goalposts were noved constantly, not with just date leaving but everything – hoe well his business was doing and how and when he could leave, one minute its fine if his gf and younger child moved back to ger county, a year later no way he wants them close…as long as they can afford to rent. 6 months later no cant leave he wants her to afford to buy…..never a good time to leave. the first 18 months i was wobbly after leaving my ex but was patient. But then had had enough as had been 2.5 yrs! he claimed they never had sex etc and of course realise all rubbish! but what hurt me most was the fact he first understood i needed to date….a week later wheb i got chatting to a guy, then on the phone, he went crazy the evebings he stayed in the week. I had to share him, but he wouldn’t share me. He totally controlled me and it was a 1 way thing.
      I could say a million things nut dont think your atory wwould puld be any different.

      We are merely objects in their lives. Just like their wives and gfs are. We all serve a purpose. I came off FB as although wasn’t friends etc hated seeing him pop up. I avoided a leaving do in March as a friend of his started renting room in my flat at the time then lost his job. Things now totally different – we are talking again but only because I’m job hunting and applied whrre he works not and he kept telling my friend to contact him. Yep fishing me back in, hoovering, but i have a new life now and this is business.

      What you have to do is get over the ’emptional bridge’. Everyone here is living on emotional. Not logic or sense. Now I’m in a committed relationship with a lovely non abusive guy for the first time ever (I’m 39) I realise how screwed up many are and how manipulative they can be and are.The attavhed guy emailed in March saying our friend told him that i wasnt going to this leaving do as he was going to ve there and he was sad etc as he wanted to catch up. Catch up i thought?! omfg!!!! I left my ex of 3 yrs Iived with, went through 3 grs of tests with this AM, was faithful to a guy who had a total life and family and kids….went through depression and trauma…then he emails saying he respected i pulled away?! no i expected him to come running!

      What im trying to say is the MM will say you are his everything, and we want to be exceptions, but we’re not, the fact their assholes and do this behind their partners backs show what sort of cold hearted people they are anyway!

      I KNOW my bf, we spend weekends together, i see him Sunday mornings…. my ex AM didnt know me, we stole time together, exciting sex and chemistry – its ALL Fantasy. A few do leave but sooner rather thab later, months not years, i have friends that have been through this. But 3 months not 3 years – and yes with 3 young kids too and no excuse!
      If they are not in a position to leave they should not start affairs. They are cold, selfish and out to please themselves, need the attention and we are wonderful beautiful ego boosts. I know now the ex AN is loving my attention a year on but for me its business, if I dont get the job then i wont speak to him, if i do its great. Im over the emotion and have something he doesn’t – a faithful relationship where it’s just me and my bf. He loes next to his gf every night knowing he spent 4 yrs in bed with me lying to her. Its not a life I wish for. I feel so so sorry for the womam, and this is a woman I used to be jealous of – I wish for her escape now too!

      Those who are married – set your partners free, go and find a partner who fulfils you so you don’t hace to be in an affair and do the right thing for them. Peace & love x

  • Liza

    I am on 16th day of NC. My guy is still with his wife. They dont have kids and I dont understand why he wont leave her if he loves me and doesnt feel ‘ that way’ about her. I think she is prettier than me. He told me last aug that he wont be able to leave her and that he has taken marriage counselling and will work on his marriage. In the last 14 months we hooked up many times and spoke to each everyday many times too- only when he was at work. Around her he wouldnt touch his phone so as not to upset her. He kept telling me he loves me and that if he was in my place he would walk away and not torture himself like I am doing. He has taken many vacations with her in the last 14 months.. I think to make her feel that he is working on the marriage and wont leave her. Over the last 2 months things between him and me got ugly. We used to fight everytime we spoke – I wanted more and he now wanted a platonic friendship. He said he really wanted me in his life and that was the only way we could be in each other’s lives. I couldnt change the way I felt. I love him so deeply, like I’ve never loved anyone before. I thought he was my soul mate. I am 34 and really have not met anyone like him. I really thought he loved me. I didnt want to break up his wife’s marriage but I thought he loved me too. I still do. Maybe I am fooling myself. I am taking professional help and have lost 8 kgs. I cry a lot. Some days for hours.. no man has made me this happy or sad. It wasnt the ideal situation, but i genuinely loved him. I am really struggling to move on. I dont think i will ever feel this way about anyone. I am just so unhappy and trying so hard to do the right thing. They say that if you love someone you have to let him go. I have. He has the right to be with whoever he loves.. but what about me? Did he not love me? I really dont think he lied..

    • Nomad

      Liza, similar situation about the contacts being limited to office hours only. If he has no kids, I would’ve met up without his wife and told her about her cheating husband. Why would I do that because he (my mm too) wanted the best of both worlds, from wanting to continue in a milder manner to what he last said to me “I wouldn’t mind if we can be best friend”. I’m to be blamed for my miseries. My mm made it clear that he’ll not divorce and we must keep it a secret and bring it to our grave. He gets cold sweat when he thinks about getting caught.

      I’m mentally drained and started to hate him… but hating a person is a waste of time. I want to feel indifferent towards him then I’ll experience inner peace. So how to execute my decision? I don’t know…

  • Screwloose

    After 2 months of NC he called and texted me. Told me he filed for divorce and wasn’t going to ignore me and wasn’t playing games with me. Of course talked about himself, how he wants to move to Arizona. Never once said he was sorry for how he treated me never once said he missed me or still loved me just said we handle things differently and it’s hard for him too. Guess what the next day ignored me again. So now I’m back to square 1 and heart broken again. I wish I knew why they did this. What do they gain by pulling you back in and slamming the door again. And why did I let him. I really want to stop thinking about him and crying he obviously has moved on why can’t I ,

    • Hope

      Sorry Screwloose it’s a painful situation to be in. ‘Filed for divorce’ is a strong statement, do you believe him? If this was just a lie to suck you back into the relationship then he can’t be trusted at all. He is treating you badly and you have to put up with his whining. May be just accept the pain, accept that there will be hurt for sometime but it’s all for the greater good. He is way worse than many mm mentioned here. Take good care of yourself X

      • Screwloose

        Thank you Hope. You have no idea how horrible he was hence why I went with the name screwloose. Last year on his birthday i bought him gifts lunch and dinner on mine he showed up , got drunk wrote me the most horrible text. And yet each time I took him back. He is a classic narcissist. I’m a smart girl I see the classic signs of abuse the honeymoon phase ext. Do I believe he is getting divorced? Maybe… more importantly I need to figure out why I put up with him and how to change it. And that is hard . Talking and reading on here helps. I actually feel bad for his wife . He has done this to me for 2 year I’m sure he has done the same to her for much longer. I did finally block him on everything. I’m sure I will go through my ups and downs with the pain maybe it’s more the rejection or shame I feel .

        • Hope

          Sorry he treated you that way Screwloose. You are absolutely right in thinking even if he is getting divorced you don’t need his crap in your life. I can’t even imagine how hard it is for you to try and get out of this. It’s OK to struggle and experience ups and downs. You CAN DO THIS!! Take care of yourself

    • VickiP

      Oh Screwloose – i am in the same position! I cant believe when i read these posts that other people could possibly be going through the same thing I am and yet here you are. I got the all – filing for divorce. We are moving forward. it will all work out. And then nothing. I dont know which way is up sometimes. After all that he has done I still want it to work. I question my sanity sometimes. And yes, I have been in therapy for those that are questioning whether thats a good idea. It helps if you let it. For me, each time he reaches out, even if its what he thinks is good news, it opens up the wound again. And Im left waiting with him in control once again. Its never ending

      • Marie (aka screwloose)

        Vicki I’m sorry I don’t wish this pain and confusion on anyone. As I was reading your post I was justifying why to unblock him in my head . Telling myself he has pushed me away because going through a divorce must be hard . Making excuses for him in my mind. Just like you I would go back to him in a minute. The beginning was so good. The end not so much. I’m not going to unblock him though because truth is he pushed me away before he filed for divorce. I sometimes question if there is someone else even though he says there isn’t . Even after everything I still love him with my whole heart and cry daily when I think about how it initially was and that I know that it will never be the same again. The trust and faith is gone. That is actually funny .. trust a married man.. it’s been 5 months since I have saw him yes it’s gotten easier I’m just waiting on the day to totally forget him. Although he has told me one day he is just gonna show up… my last words were I’m not a puppet for him to play with when it suits him. How are you making it through?

        • VickiP

          Thank you for your words. I’m not making it through. I’m still in denial. I keep thinking that someday I’m going to wake up and this is all gonna be a really bad dream. LOL but after seven years it’s not. I’m still in the thick of it as much as I keep telling myself I’m not. He supposedly filed for divorce. The twisted all of this is I see her every week. We’re in the same circle. Don’t ask it’s such a long complicated story someday I will tell it all. She acts as if nothings wrong he tells me he filed for divorce. I don’t really know which way to turn. All I know is that I make myself strong, I’m so strong in my daily life, I’m a single mom. I do it all! And yet when it comes to him I am so weak and I am so not strong I don’t know any other way to put it. I really just pray that someday I’ll find the strength to just close the door and just not pick up when he calls

          • Needhelp

            VickiP I know exactly what you mean. I am also a single parent of three small boys. I work full time, look after my kids, do everything around the house. I hold it all together. I know I am strong!!. But when it comes to mm I feel I have been pathetically weak in the past. Part of it is definitely an addiction. It has been ‘over with him as far as I am concerned since August now despite him sending me loads of text messages. I have really tried to stop responding . I’ve blocked him on WhatsApp and stopped re-reading his messages hundreds of times. I’m trying to keep myself busy.with other things as I know I need to break this addiction and basically train my brain not to think about him all the time as a default.
            I have noticed a difference – almost like an acceptance that it’s over. It still hurts but I know it’s just not meant to be with me and him. He will never leave. I don’t like it but I accept it. I really want to move on and put this behind me. I think you honestly need to want to move on for it to happen. Up to now I haven’t – all I’ve thought about is how much I want him and it’s prevented me from moving on. For the first time in 5 years I feel there may be a light at the end of the tunnel. Because I WANT to get over it. It still hurts and it will take a long time but I do think I have a chance of achieving it and that feels good.

          • Vickip

            Thank you once again for your words. Yes I need to want to move on. I think I do and then the promises come and I’m in again. Today is thanksgiving. He told me he filed for divorce. So why then is he spending it with his daughter? And ultimately with her. There is no reason. So I yelled and told him it was unexceptable yesterday. He’s doing it any way. My feelings don’t matter. I was mad. Hurt but more mad. I was strong and resolved. And today I m just hurt. Can’t believe I still buy his lies. Ultimately it comes down to he is in the man I thought or hoped he was. That man would not continue to hurt me. I need to find the strength to walk away. I’m so glad it Sounds like you have

          • Needhelp

            Hi Vicki,
            My mm did something similar – last July he told me he was going to sort the situation out with his wife because he couldn’t bear the thought of losing me. Within the following three weeks he had gone on holiday with his family. He said it was to celebrate his daughters birthday and what kind of a father would he be if he didn’t. I wouldn’t have had a problem if a) he had told me and b) he had gone on the understanding with his wife that they were no longer together. But instead he continues playing happy families and doesn’t seem to understand why this hurts me so much. I know if I continue waiting for him to sort his life out I will waste mine in the process. I’m fed up and frustrated that I seem to desperately chase after something that makes me so miserable.
            My biggest fear is that I will look back in years to come and feel I didn’t make the most of the time with my kids when they were young because I was forever thinking and obsessing about him instead. Whatever i am doing he is always somewhere in my mind and I hate it Kids grow up so quick – I really need to stop this and focus on them 100%.
            I am really trying but it still hurts!

          • Vickip

            thank you so much for your words. I hate gent another holiday has been ruined by them. I read everyone’s story and they mirror my own in so many ways. I don’t get calls asking me back. I wind up reaching out. That seems to be the biggest difference. I can’t seem to get over the fact that someone could like to me so convincingly. And I believed it! Over and over again. I’m falling apart again over this holiday. And I dread knowing Christmas is around the corner. I should be happy and enjoying my kid and yet here I am again.

          • Needhelp

            Hi Vicki,
            To be honest the calls wanting me back are a curse – they just mess with my head. He doesn’t do it because he wants to be with me – he just wants things back the way they were. With me trapped in a miserable existence. I know it sounds crazy but if he stopped I would be gutted as I would know that was the end. But at the same time it drives me crazy because it makes it harder to move on and it makes me mad that he chases me just to get things back to how they were. I sometimes wonder what goes on in my own head!

  • Lois

    It’s been awhile since I have posted and but nothing really has changed…the same old emotional roller-coaster. My mm has ended things so many times out of guilt, supposed health issues, and do not forget that he is going to church it is morally eating him up inside, etc…that it’s hard to take it serious when he says it’s over. Unlike most of you, the mm in my life will not share his feelings only that he cares deeply for me. In April, we ended things because of guilt and health issues. He claims the guilt is because of kids. He would not tell me about the health issues only that it would be noticeable and would not be able to hide his illness…guess what! No noticeable change except he is gained some weight but he eats junk food. I am beginning to think he is somewhat of narcissist and manipulates people to his advantage. More and more his lies are catching up to him and others have noticed…yes we work together which makes it hard to move on. A couple weeks ago, he told me things at home were going well…better than they have been for a long, so he thought it was best to not be together plus his church wants him to get more involved. I was heartbroken but not like in the past…maybe because I know it’s only a matter of time. The last time he ended things was in June and it lasted until mid-August. Of course, I somewhat chased after him but nothing like in the past. When he ended things a few weeks ago, I found myself out of town at conference and ended up getting trashed. Later that night, I prayed to God for him to take away the desire and to heal my hurt. I am married and have been for about 28 years, so I have someone to go home to who may be a jerk but he would never cheat on me. I think, the years of resent me got the best of me with this mm and seeing how the affair helped my friends marriage, I thought it was possible for me too…if that makes any sense. Anyway, I did finally tell the mm a few days ago that my feelings were much deeper than I thought for him because his happiness is more important than my own. So, if ending things would make him happy and he can repair his marriage for his children, I would step back. I asked if he was 100% certain and he said yes his mind was made up to repair his marriage. Of course, I would never let him know how badly I was hurting only stated that it really sucks. Later that evening, I was struggling and texted him…he immediately replied which seldom happened unless he was in the mood to have sex. Most of the time, he would ignore my texts; however, I did not text him very much. Anyway, I caved and told him that I would step back and wait for him to see if he could repair his marriage. Now, ladies think about that…how low did I stoop on this one and for what 20 minutes of intimacy together in an office after hours. He agreed to the proposition. Does this sound a like a man who is 100% certain to fix his marriage? Why does he play games? The more I think about things the angrier I become. I did ask him how he truly felt about our situation and he answered that if he told me it would only make things harder for us to let things go…what in the heck does that mean? I really think he has issues. He did my friend the same way except supposedly he did tell her that he loved her. I am so stupid. Why cannot I see him for who he truly is and let him go?

    • Hope

      This man sounds awful Lois. You are right, he sounds like a narcissist. I can’t believe what he did to you. What an a##hole!! This isn’t your fault Lois and NO you didn’t stoop low, you are in love and are simply listening to your heart. I would suggest to try not to succumb to the temptation of contacting him. Lois we are all in charge of our own happiness. Let’s not give that much power to anyone in our life. You are very strong Lois to be able to endure all this and you CAN break free. This man sounds like a moron. Please don’t blame yourself, this isn’t your fault, he is manipulating you. Hey if I met this man I would surely tell him off for doing what he did to you!!!!! It’s so UNFAIR. Let this freak work on his marriage. You don’t need that crap in your life. Please try and focus on other things in life, try to find happiness within you (I know it’s hard but let’s try please) don’t give him attention, see how that makes him go crazy! Even if he doesn’t show it I am telling you it will bug him. He sounds like a nasty, manipulative man who doesn’t deserve you. Take care of yourself

      • Lois

        Thanks Hope! It’s been really tough. Unfortunately, I did reach out to him again and we chattend through text…somewhat flirted. Then, he went silent agent. This tone I haven’t reached out to him since. I composed an email to him but never sent it. I just want him out of my heart. If I told the whole story about this guy, I think you would be shocked. Today is a real struggle and could use lots of prayer. I have to free myself from this tangled web.

      • Lois

        Thanks Hope. I’m really struggling today. I know my silence kills him and it’s what I need to do. Just pray that I have the strength. I sincerely appreciate your kind words and grateful there are people like you to help me through this because I can’t tell anyone.

        • Hope

          Hi Lois,
          How are you doing? It’s OK to break and reach out (we have all done that at some point) So long as you remember that you/we need to break free or else the same cycle will be repeated. I’ll pray for all of you. Take care of yourself. You CAN do this!

  • cjay

    New here. I’ve been divorced for 15 years. Still single. Ended a 12+ year relationship w a MM 2 years ago. He lives in another state, but traveled with his job. We talked everyday, saw each other at least twice a month. He helped me financially. His wife found out and things just got too complicated. No contact now because he only wants to talk about us. He’s still with wife & I finally realized there is no “us”. I ended the relationship. It hurt. I miss my best friend.
    Fast forward, I’m one year + into another relationship with another MM. We were involved 25 years ago (while I was married), for about 2 years. My family knows about his status. He’s not leaving his wife. I’ve met his adult children & he’s met mine. He too lives in another state, about 2 hours away. He stays over at least once a week. We go out as a couple. I know (in my gut) he’s seeing other women.
    I’m not sure why I continue this cycle of non-commitment, non monogamous relationships. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. This is just as easy as it is difficult.

    • Hope

      Hi Cjay,
      I typed a reply to you yesterday but I think there is something wrong with my phone so trying again. I am sorry for the pain you are in, everyone on this forum has experienced/is experiencing similar pain and suffering. 12 years with mm must have taken a toll on you. Somethimes it’s just life. It certainly is NOT YOU as you are a victim too. I am still trying to heal and move on. What I found useful was some soul searching. What in me was missing to make me fall into this relationship? I have already listed my reasons in another reply. In 3 years with mm (I refuse to say ‘my’ as he is NOT mine) I realised I had made him my world. Because of this my other relationships suffered. Now I have slowly started rebuilding those relationships, I am calling my mom everyday, talking to my parents more often, making an effort to meet my friends, focusing on my little one and thinking of taking a new course via work. The thing is I had become SO OBSESSED with mm and gave him so much time without realising my relationships with friends and family were suffering. So I would suggest to catch up again with family/friends. Focus on any other thing that makes you happy. It will be hard Cjay but once you start to move on you will be able to enjoy life more. You are a strong winnable Cjay to have endured so much in past 13+ years, you CAN do this!

      • cjay

        Stories are always longer than one post. I feel stronger knowing that others struggle with the same rollercoaster, perhaps in different & not so amusing places in life. I am in awe of the support that strangers are giving one another. I was not happily married, as can be assumed with the prior affair. I felt like I was loosing myself. Spouse was rarely present, we slept in separate rooms, he never said that he loved me. I was very lonely. I left twice. The first time was when I was seeing MM#1. I was very young and thought he loved me, believed we would be “together”. Like many others on this post, he broke my heart. Truthfully, I allowed it to happen. MM wanted to stay with his family and keep me on the side. I broke it off, completely, no contact, at all. Spouse & I went to counseling and I stayed in the marriage, faithful but unhappy, for another 10 years. Leaving spouse 2nd time was one of my best decisions. I finally graduated from business college, got a better job & bought my first house. MM#2 worked at the same company. I didn’t want the financial complications or rejection I felt when married, so I think MM#2 felt “safe”. I always told him NOT to leave his wife. I lied to my family & friends about his marital status. Holidays were a b*tch. I know how much he lied to her, and I felt bad for taking something (time, sex, attention) from her. I started pulling away about 2 years before she found out about the affair. MM#2 still calls, I don’t answer. Volume has decreased from daily to now monthly. I’m not trying to be mean. I think he needs to work on his marriage, and telling me more BS is only hurting all 3 of us.
        I contacted MM#1. He tried to find me, reaching out several times over the past 25 years. I’m not easy to find. Not on social media, keep personal contact information private. I finally caved and we’re a year into this (again). This time my family & friends know that he’s married. It does’t make me feel better that my parents, siblings and children know. I’m a very private person. The thought of dating is scary. Maybe I don’t feel like I deserve more, because I can’t give more. Perhaps, I don’t want to give up any more of my heart and soul. I’m searching for answers as I type in this post. In addition to a business degree, I also have a minor in psychology. I graduated summa cum laude. I’m intelligent, physically attractive, healthy and underneath insecure. Thanks to all that pour out your hearts, pain and advice here.

        • Hope

          I understand your story much more now Cjay. It’s been a rough road for you but please understand YOU DO deserve more. You are so talented, clever and beautiful woman (buisiness degree wow!). I truly understand the feeling of mm being ‘safer option’ but they ARE SO NOT!. Putting yourself out there can be scary but so many women here have proved that it can be done Cjay, just imagine how beautiful life would be when you meet someone who won’t make you compromise this way? Someone who will happily spend his time with you and won’t keep you a secret, holidays won’t be hard but instead will be something to look forward to. There is always hope. Take care

  • Hope

    Hi all,
    How is everyone doing? I haven’t heard from this forum in few days and I miss hearing from you all!. After almost 5 weeks of NC I became weak, relapsed and made contact. Causal hi hello (he said he loves and misses me but I didn’t say it) but after that I felt SICK for making contact again (this has NEVER happened before!). Previously I would be relieved that we were talking again but not this time. Something in me has changed I feel. I have recognised there were some issues within me (low self esteem, depression, lack of attention, etc.) that made me fall into this situation. Been in NC again for few days and have to say I feel better again. Feel happy that I am not disrespecting myself anymore. No more compromise, listening to ‘we’ in his sentences and feeling bad that he means him and his wife and NOT me and him, trying to please him all the time, etc. I feel happy and am trying to enjoy little things in life. STAY STRONG everyone.

    • I thought I was different

      Hope,
      I needed this today. I am trying to end a relationship of 3 years with my mm. The reference you make to “we” that you knew it was never you and him as much as it is him and his wife. This hit home today! I need to walk away. His father passed this past week and horrible I can’t be there for him but sure bet she was. He tells me she was for her but not for him. How did I become so messed up in the head that during this horrible time, I think of them together?? I’m not that kind of a person but this is what I have made myself! How? How do you walk away?

      • Hope

        IthoughtIwasdifferent I understand how you feel, I really do. How did we become so messed up and addicted to a man who causes a havoc in our life?? We can’t change the past, let’s just accept we made a mistake which is causing us so much pain, let’s do ourselves a favour and try to heal. I understand you want to be there for him but please understand it’s his choice to NOT let you be there. No need to be jealous of them, if their relationship was so great this would have NEVER happened. Let them live their lives and deal wit their issues. Let’s think of OURSELVES for once. Their ‘WE’ never involved us dear, it was always himself and his wife. With mm it was always ‘we bought the house .. years ago; we went to our sons place; we had friends over; these things don’t happen in our family’ it was all about his wife and I was just some cheap sex stop. I have allowed this man to treat me like this for 3 years, NO MORE please. We have taken the first step towards healing by being on this forum. Let’s get out of this poisonous cycle before it’s too late. Others on this forum have proved that it can be done, let’s give it a try X

    • Felk

      Seems it’s a good sign, Hope, that you didn’t feel good after contact this time. The good/relieved feeling after contact is what draws us back in. It really is like a drug. Talking to them makes the bad go away, even for just a little, and so we want more of it. Thus, it’s really good that you didn’t feel that this time. 5 weeks of NC is really impressive, and clearly you’ve healed a lot in those 5 weeks if you felt sick after and you feel good after a few days of NC again. There’s a reason every website and piece of advice on ending a relationship tells you NC is the way to go. Even if you think you’ll want to contact that person again, at least give yourself some period of NC (like 2 months) before you consider getting in contact again.
      I do not practice what I preach, though. If you’ve read my posts on here, I work with my ex and we not only see each other almost every day at work but we have extended talking sessions about once/week (either at work or we go for a drink). We started out as friends for a few years before the affair started, and we’re trying to be “just friends.” It is VERY hard. Some days I feel strong and some days I miss him so very much. Some days I feel understanding for why we ended (come on, we’re both married, I know how hard it is to maintain two relationships… and he has kids), and some days I can’t understand at all how I will stop missing his love. Recently, when we were out, he made it clear that he missed me and thought about me every day. That was so nice and so awful to hear. It felt so very good to know he still feels that way, but it just reminded me of how painful it is that we’re not together. It’s been almost two months since he ended our relationship, and I definitely feel better, slowly. I know the fact that we’re still in contact (and friendly contact) is making it harder for me to heal. I hope to get to a point where I can appreciate the love we have while recognizing (and accepting) it cannot be more than that. Right now, I still want more and that is not good. It makes me sad many days.
      As for my husband, I’m slowly trying to rebuild there, but, after a five-year affair (that my husband did not know about), it is hard to feel that closeness with him again. He is lovely and open and wants closeness, but as you can read above, I’m not over my other guy yet, so it’s hard to give to my husband. But, I will keep trying. I want to be close to him again, so here’s hoping it works. And I know I have to try harder or I’m leaving myself open to much more hurt from my ex.

      • Hope

        Thank you Flek, that means a lot to me. It is so much harder for you as you work together and see each other almost everyday, that’s TOUGH when are trying to heal. Please be proud of yourself for making an effort to heal and for making an effort of being close to your hubby. I hear you girl, it’s HARD to do so after the affair, I am in the same boat. It will WORK Hun you know why? Because your hubby made an effort to make you his priority which mm will never do! As much as we wish they did we all know deep down that it will never happen in most cases. Just have faith. Whatever problems we have in our marriages this relationship has more chances of succeeding than the one with mm. I know I sound selfish but we have to start thinking rationally just like mm. They were never OURS. On some point most probably they used us. You are beautiful and caring woman Flek (the fact that you are helping people you don’t even know says a lot about how awesome you are!). None of us are bad people here, we just got stuck in an awfully painful situation. A sentence I read on his forum helps me a lot ‘HE IS NOT MY SOULMATE, IF HE WAS HE WOULD MOVE MOUNTAINS TO BE WITH ME’. He would NOT make me feel like a dirty little secret if he truly loved me as much as he says he does. This is pain is NOT worth it, we all deserve better. Flek, on days you feel weak/miss him please write your feelings here or we can email. Stay strong all you lovely ladies, we are worth so much more than we give ourselves credit for. Big hugs X

      • Nomad

        I’ve answers to why I’m addicted.
        I’m lonely, bored and deprived of attention and affection.
        Why is it so difficult to quit the addiction, simply because I refuse.
        I refuse to try to work on my marriage because I love but stopped falling in love with my spouse of 20yrs. I chose to be negative towards making effort to save my marriage.
        I refuse to execute my decision to let go and move. I chose to be weak and continue to cling on to the fond memories in which he made me feel alive. I chose to turn blind to the misery of anxiety, heartache, insecurity, endless waiting, feeling used at his convenience, jealousy and obsession.
        I refuse to be honest with myself.
        I refuse to quit and will succumb in taking his call if he ever call, checking on his last seen and calendar which do me zero good. All these stalking will always trigger my anxiety, nerve wrecking and curiosity mode.
        I refuse to accept the current situation. I am still waiting and hoping (though I keep preaching what right I should do) and chose fantasy at the expense of myself, my self respect and sanity.
        I refused to make effort to love myself. I tried to pamper myself by doing all the cliche activities like yoga, walk with nature, shopping, massage, drama marathon and even tried one session with therapy BUT I refuse to immerse and register that they helped (or not). I refuse to fill the void that he left behind. I refuse to heal sincerely.
        I refuse to believe that he is now rational and has forsaken me. I still think that he’s real and deep.

        I still feel the pain and cry whenever I think about how could he forsake me and my foolishness. He’s still the first and last one I think about each day. I still fantasize about him. I’m allowing myself to waste my life over him. I still can’t believe he’s gone and he’s able to move on.

        I can dwell all I want but I’m left with no other choice but nc. Felt that I let myself down in that he gave me no choice but not because i want to quit as a decision to love and respect myself. Unless he comes back and tells me he loves me,that itself is a miracle or wishful thinking. Haven’t seen him since 1 Nov…Have I made progress at all? I managed to sleep a good 4-5hrs on some nights. He’s still being blocked and stops making attempts to contact me. This time should be it and let this be a secret forever…

        • Nomad

          Healing is a choice. Time don’t always heal, acceptance does. We healed because we want to and we saved ourselves. I admit my mind and heart are still incoherent that’s why I’ve yet to heal… and I’ve been adopting consumer self care (spa, hair care, manicure, fine dining, shopping and splurging) which left me a bigger emotional void asking myself why am I spending mindlessly and fooling myself that I’ll feel uplifted and confident. It’s wrong so what then is self care that help us heal, let go and move on. I’m still hoping and waiting for him to realize I’m his loss and we could work out something to live a secret life together. Self destruction and I won’t heal because I’m confused about acceptance. It’s my choice to hope and wait, I don’t know when will I hit rock bottom, only when I did, will I be forced to pick up the broken pieces. Isn’t this rock bottom already where from daily communication, always find time to connect by meeting, calling and texting, and now reduced to one call in nov so far. If you chose to go, please don’t come back…

          • Felk

            Nomad, have you considered talking to a therapist? I know, in the first month after the break-up, the pain was so bad that I considered it. I know that I was wondering how I could handle this on my own. One of the hard things about this situation is often our friends don’t have the same sympathy given that we were having an affair. In my situation, the main problem is that I didn’t tell many people about the affair because I was married, too. So, I have very few people to talk to about it. Thankfully, I have one friend who knows everything and she has offered some advice, but she is not a really close friend and I haven’t had as much support as I would have liked through this break-up. Just hearing what you’re saying, I think you might benefit from getting some professional help (if you have that access). If you don’t want to or can’t do that, I found an app called Mend that has been helpful. I am not affiliated with this app and am not trying to sell anyone anything, but I think it’s helped me. It’s an app for your smartphone that does daily check-ins, gives you daily tips/boosts, has articles about all sorts of break-up issues, has a short audio clip each day that gives you advice for moving on, and has space to journal about specific questions they ask you to consider. It’s free for the first week and then $10/month after. For me, the support provided is easily worth $10. It is not a ton of support, but I have found it helpful in my situation. And I plan to continue my subscription for another month. I feel a lot better about it all, but I know that I am not healed yet. I know it will still take time, and, as you say, acceptance. It’s a slow process. That’s one of the hardest things for me to accept. Each morning I wake up, I want to be over it all, but I know that’s not how it works. Today, though, it feels better. Weekends are often like that for me because of not having to see him at work, and that just reinforces for me how important it is to keep my contact with him as low as possible. I’m not saying I always heed my own advice, but it’s pretty clear to me that no contact is the best way to heal.

          • Nomad

            Felk, I never believe that counseling would work. However, I am so desperate that I attended 1st session last week and doubt I’ll go back again. I was asked to write a letter to myself and to mm to open up my feelings and seek closure. I told her sorry it won’t work. I filled her details of my situation when th mm. She asked me to tell her in the next session what do I want to achieve from the session, my decision and how can she help. Huh? I thought why and what are obvious? I’m there to seek help but she asked me back how can she help??? My takeaway is that only I can save myself and it’s because I want to ; she’s going to just listen to my obsessive ranting and offer cliche advice like love and respect yourself, keep myself occupied, pick up new hobby, spend time with family,exercise, meditate etc. I didn’t pay just to be heard. That’s my 1st session. I need to find the missing piece within me and connect with myself blah blah and all these time are theory and not helping because I couldn’t appreciate.

            I told her I’m sick of writing and I’ve been journaling since we started 18mths ago. Wrote abt why I’m addicted, why I should end, what can I leverage on to quit the vicious cycle, how to execute my decision, tracked my mood and recorded nc and progress on daily basis etc. at times I gave up because i get tired abt repeating myself and angry that I wasted so much time on him even after he’s gone.

            It’s really hard to see him or hear him. I always cave in. Since I last met him on 1Nov, he has been working from another location hence it helped with the nc. Come dec, he would be clearing his annual leave the entire month and I would be totally out of sight out of mind. Because of that, I too, took2wks leave because I didn’t want to spend dec in the office hoping and waiting for him to call or appear at my desk. If he didn’t, I couldn’t function at work, I would be tempted to unblock him, stalk his calendar and last seen, but all these just cause me more pain, anxiety and disappointment. I’m panicking because I’ve dwelled too long and made no progress. Some days I fear that I’ll become indifferent towards him and stop thinking of him… I’m that screwed up…somedays I would choose to think that he’s exercising self control not to contact me with the intention or rationale just like Spark who explained he was equally hurt but he has to force it. Some days I would think that he is loving everyday of nc because he has never love me, just used me and because he’s now a 100% doting father and loving spouse after getting rid of guilt and no more fear! Some days I would think that he found another woman who is easier and accommodating to cheat with. So what if he is or he’s not???im losing patience with myself.

          • Nomad

            To add: I find myself locked in a race against time and him. Losing patience and panicking because I’ve wasted so much time and still dwelling and helpless about watchin the time ticking away; because he made better progress in healing and restoring his life back to normal (before me), he’s quick to resume his daily life, focusing on work and family, making them happy, he’s making time to pick up new hobby and money making skills, run his marathon, pursue his dream, plan for family activity to create more happy memories with them. That’s why I panicked about “losing” or being left behind and stuck, in this race of moving on, I always had a head start but he caught up, surpassed me and living even better than before because he has learnt.
            It hurts… it’s been 2hrs since I saw his missed call and leave plan in Dec… I couldn’t function at work again

      • Nomad

        I haven’t seen mm since 1Nov and he rang on 13Nov sounded platonic and no more Baby or miss me. Then mia for another week. I’m confident that we will not see each other in nov and Dec as long as I block him and he stays rational enough to forsake me. Nc is finally looking promising this time.

        Felk, you mentioned “there’s a reason every website and piece of advice on ending a relationship tells you NC is the way to go. Even if you think you’ll want to contact that person again, at least give yourself some period of NC (like 2 months) before you consider getting in contact again.” I think after 2 mths, I should be over him, accepted and adapted, i wouldn’t want to consider and dumped all my efforts into the drain. I’m looking forward to quit this addiction and move on at least for myself before repairing my marriage.

        I do not practice what I preach or decide too!! I am very sure I’ll not befriend him. He’ll be a stranger whom I feel indifferent. Yes it’s VERY hard but I’ve no choice.

        I feel you and all you said about “some days”. I too experienced the same. Least you still get to know that he missed you and thought about you every day whereas with each passing day of nc, I think I’ve faded to near zero existence and not even the lust is lingering.

        I am avoiding my husband and it’s really hard to rekindle the passion and desire, no way no matter what i try or hint. I won’t say I’ll keep trying because I am incapable of executing my decision as far as this mess is concerned.

    • cjay

      Does anyone else think perhaps the person we are cheating is ourself? We hurt, we wait, we want more, we love unconditionally, we deserve to give ourselves more. I recognize myself in almost every post. You ladies are like virtual sisters. No matter how old, how long you’ve been in this situation, or where you live, we all have a common bond- the MM. Not mine, not yours, he is hers, theirs – always. As I start to decorate for the holidays, I am feeling melancholy. I tell myself that I am strong. Perhaps if I make it my mantra, I will be one day. Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on events that have brought us to this moment. What is important to us, what we’re thankful for in life and perhaps to celebrate who we are today. I wish you all strength, peace and courage this holiday season.

  • Lisa

    It doesnt feel like the mm does much suffering or real hurting the way we as the ow do. He is the one that is able to step into and back out of both lives at his conveinence. Whether it be w us or some ow hed be doing it with. Only because we allow it though.
    By the same token i want to explore my thoughts of his logic. As i try to figure out my own, i wonder what he thinks besides the supposed guilty feeling that he supposedly feels … i just wish i could hear it from the horses mouth.

  • J

    I am literally torturing myself about my mm and his wife. He’s always told me how he loves her as a friend but is not attracted to her at all. For reasons such as her weight, her lack of motivation in life, her wanting to just sit around the house, her not being very intelligent and lack of conversation, her disregard for her health, etc. he’s also told me they haven’t been intimate in years even though their son moved out of the house since he’s in his 20s. He’s told me how she tries to kiss him and he doesn’t like it at all and tries to stop it ASAP. Recently she’s been trying to make herself more attractive. She’s getting her hair done and dying it, something she’s never done. I told him I feel very bad did her that she’s trying so hard if you will never feel that for her. He told me that he does think she will look more attractive if the gray is gone, but he’s not sure if that’s enough to be attracted to her physically. I find this very upsetting. Shouldn’t he know immediately how he’d feel. He’s told me many times that he’s so attracted to me because of my beauty but it’s so much more, including our connection and my traits overall. I’m confused by him saying he’s not sure how he will feel about her new look. Any insights? From the men? Could her dying her hair actually make him attracted to her again? Even though she’s still the same person he hasn’t been attracted to? Please help this is torturung me!

    • Lara

      J it is not about the hair. It just seems that way. The grey hair can be changed in 30 mins but the relationship issues are much deeper. He should of course know whether he would be attracted to her if she changed her hair, because she is still his wife and he still lives with her. At one time he loved this woman enough to marry her. And her the same for him. Now she is cheating on her and with that comes a lot of guilt. Never underestimate the power of those marital bonds. Sometimes couple can reconnect with each other, even after all kinds of down times. Look around on the internet and you will see hundreds of sites for married people who want to move beyond an affair and get their marriages back on track. Since she seems to be trying to re-attract him she is not willing to let go of him without a fight. As “the other woman” we simply can never know what will happen between because we are not there in the room with them! This is why affairs are such torture for women and for men both. Our well being is in the hands of someone who is already committed to the well-being of someone else. It sucks, I know. Oh how I know. Take care of YOU, J! No one else will. L.

  • Mad’lyn

    I have felt so alone on this emotional roller coaster for two years. And now I am finding there are so many women walking the same secret path! Two years!! More than two years! I lie to myself, my parents and my children. I lie to my friends. This man has been my best friend, my caretaker, my financial support, my boss, my everything. Quite literally everything. Im so dependent on him, and I am terrified of life without bim.

    I am also terrified of life with him.

    I stopped trusting him a long time ago. His wife found out he has been cheating on him (but I am not the one she knows about… he says he made someone else up, but honestly, I have had clues and instincts that suggest he has not been truthful). His world is upside down. They have no kids. But he has a plethora of excuses why he cannot leave his wife; including he wants to wait until my kids are no longer living at home. So, here he is, rebuilding his relationship. Going on vacation with his angry wife. Spending more time with her. How, may i ask, does someone invest so much energy to save their marriage if they intend to leave their wife in the future when my kids grow up? Is it hust me, or is that completely ridiculous?

    God forbid I express my feelings of guilt, shame and lack of trust. When I do that, he labels me “psychotic”, and i have anxiety issues. He tells me I create stress in his life that he does not need. He makes me feel like I am a bad person for having any feelings of doubt, shame, regret etc. because it adds to his stress. And, what he stresses about outside of our “relationship” is “none of my business!!!” So in summary, I am supposed to shut my mouth and just “enjoy it.”

    He has done a lot of things for me. Too many to list. But I am not allowed to do anything for him. All he asks is that I do not question our relationship, do not talk about feelings and do not stress him out. Am I crazy to feel like I am missing something?! Yes, he does a lot for me (and reminds me all the time), but I am not emotionally satisfied. Is that wrong? Does that make me psychotic? I have enough knowledge with a B.S. in Psychology to know that I am not psychotic, but he does a great job of making me think I am a horrible person for needing some reassurance that I am not a terrible home wrecking person.

    Oh wait, he cannot give me that assurance because that is exactly the person I am! When my feelings of insecurity came up because I was looking for some reassurance, I was yelled at. Screamed at over the phone. And then he told me he was done with me. He said he gets nothing from the relationship. He does everything for me, and sacrifices everything for me, and I give him nothing. He said now I will never know what our future could have been like. He did an amazing job of making me feel like I did something wrong by having negative feelings. But I know it is his way of hurting me and making himself feel like he is in control. So I guess that is it… he dumped me. He turned everything on to me and told me to look in the mirror and realize that I caused this to be over. And of course he added that he will make my life miserable. This scares me. Bad enough I have to deal with the heartbreak, but what did I do to deserve him going out of his way to make my life miserable (other than stressing him out causing him to lose his source of sexual gratification and a woman he could control)? I am not sure where to go from here. But I guess I am not alone. Is anyone else in a relationship with a married man that is mean and hurtful?

    • Lara

      Mad’lyn this man sounds like a real nightmare in my humble opinion. He has threatened you with “making your life miserable” and humiliated you by telling you “you will never know what your future will look like.” ugh….Please get as far away from him as possible! I am not sure how he is both your financial support and your boss but this situation sounds very very sticky and I would urge you to not only stay around here and READ READ about the patterns of many of the married men we women can encounter in affairs, but also seek a strong and supportive outside support system (friends , family, therapist) to help you deal with all of this. It is okay for us to ask for help and okay for us to admit we have made relationship mistakes. We are all only human and we do mess up sometimes. But for your own good please disentangle yourself form this man as he is very controlling and not looking out for you but only himself! My hugs to you! L.

  • Nomad

    Day 6 of NC and I’ll accept he’s gone for good and for my wellbeing. I’ll understand that he’s feeling the pain and hurt but it’s more important to act rationally and righteously to end us. I’ll internalize what Felk & Spark’s perspective.

    I can only get better. I’ve only myself to help me to heal.
    Fake it Force it until one day I can wake up without him as my first thought.

    • Lara

      Hang in there Nomad and Stay STRONG! If you want more than crumbs in your life DO NOT CONTACT him! I am rooting for ya. 🙂 L.

      • Nomad

        Hugs Lara! Thank you! But the shame of rejection and the reality of him leaving forever this time are overwhelming me this morning…

        • Hope

          You will feel better Nomad. You will get through this pain and emerge stronger for you deserve so much better and so much more happiness. I read your story in the previous post too, I am so sorry for the pain you have been for so long. I agree with the NC advice here, agree with it being an addiction, either we are using or we are NOT!. This is my fourth week of NC and I am slowly staring to feel better. Most men in these situations that we put on a high pedestals are really NOT our soulmates because if they were they would have moved mountains to be with us (I have made an effort to remind myself of this, it helps me hope it helps others too). I am married too. 3 years of affair has taken a toll on my marriage, me and hubby have drifted apart and now it will take a lot of work to get back to where we were. But I am READY for I am done feeling like shit, constantly comparing myself to mm’s wife. F it!!!! If mm is PERFECT then I’ll settle for a less perfect man who doesn’t treat me like a dirty little secret. I feel selfish for getting into this affair and putting my hubby through this(he doesn’t know but I feel guilty for pulling away from him). I am grateful no-one found out and am ashamed that I did this. We often see mm as some demi Gods but may be we are only seeing part of who they really are. Big hugs and prayers for you. You GO GIRL. I am rooting for you!! Take care xo

  • Louis

    I have been following this blog for almost 8 months now. When I started, I was in a similar situation.
    1. I was married
    2. Got a divorce due to MM.
    3. MM said he loved me forever.
    4. I waited. patiently.
    5. Nothing happened. He ALWAYS had excuses.
    6. I Finally started therapy and doing a lot of things to heal myself. To learn that maybe my obsession with him was truly due to a lot of other factors in my life and my self-esteem.
    7. In the end, remember Nothing in life is permanent. The way you are feeling right now will not last forever. Always remember that. If you get 5 good minutes in the day cherish them. That’s better than 0. It is important to have people who love you in your life. Maybe you can find a friend or a pet you feel love for. Good luck ladies. Trust me, it’ll get better.

    Send me an email at: alliswellLouis@gmail.com and I would love to help anyone else. I received a lot of help from online strangers and I would love to pass the favors.

  • J

    So my mm and I attempted no physical contact for a few weeks. I told him its a good idea and I think he should work on his marriage. Well he decided it’s too unbearable and he loves me so much that he can’t be around me without wanting to touch me. Says his life will never be the same since he’s found love with me. Our connection is too intense and he will never feel that for his wife. However still feels such guilt that he doesn’t know what to do. Says he thinks he’s selfish and should just be satisfied with his friendship with his wife, but he can’t let me go. I’m not sure what I want anymore. His wife asked him to go away on an international trip. She’s also trying to make herself more attractive to him by losing weight and dying her hair. Will that actually work? I’m so confused.

    • Thissitesavedmylife

      Mine uttered the same words almost to the letter. Please don’t give in. What do you want and need with someone where a physical relationship is involved? His needs are already met and more with two women in the picture.

      My guess is you want stability, commitment, love, devotion and not another full-time partner in the forefront of his life. Don’t give in please. They’re incredibly manipulative when it comes to getting their way. I’m sure he’s telling the truth about his attraction, care and feelings toward you but it’s not enough. When they go on the trip a part of you will die inside. I speak from experience and need to follow my own advice. God bless! Stay strong and feel liberated!

    • Hope

      Hi J,
      I agree with thissitasavedmylife please don’t give in. You deserve so much more than the crumbs he is offering you. I too feel he is trying to manipulate his way back. Just remember no matter how good you are to him he might never give you the kind of love you truly deserve. Big hugs xx

  • Spark

    Ladies, I need some advice. Actually, it’s more like understanding of the situation I’m in. I figure there are enough here that can at least give me some insight as to what the OW is thinking and feeling. After all, it’s very rare to be able to ask a rather large group of women who in this kind of situation.

    Years ago, as a volunteer counselor at an in-treatment facility, I helped a young teenager out of a situation that impacted her health Let me be VERY CLEAR: There was ZERO attachment or attraction to her. She was a young kid in a group setting for about 2 weeks and I was in my late 20’s doing volunteer work. She was a very positive kid who just had control issues. Always a great smile and fun personality compared to the others who seemed to be so depressed and even suicidal. Again, there was NO attraction…not even a hint on my part. I finished by volunteering and moved on to some other work.

    About 5 years later, I ran into her in a local mall and was so happy to see her doing really well. She had taken care of herself and was very happy to see me. Again…ZERO attraction on my part. Then about 3 years later, while giving a speech, she was in the audience and came up to me later with this huge smile. I could tell she was a bit nervous around me and was beginning to think she might have a slight crush on me. About a year later, I ran into her again at the same venue, where she followed me out to my truck and made it very clear in words that she was very interested in me. I have to admit I was a bit flattered. After all, she had grown into a very attractive woman who any man would kill to have on his arm. It made me feel a bit uncomfortable and I didn’t say anything. I wished her well and that I was glad she had done well in life.

    I didn’t hear from her again for a couple of years when, out of the blue, I get a series of letters from her. She had moved to the east coast to take a job in TV. Her letters stated that she was so happy to have seen me again and that she was doing well. I showed my wife these letters and then threw them away. I never responded to them. Not even to the Christmas cards she sent. They eventually stopped for 12 years, when things drastically changed.

    I had been thinking about her for the past six month and even tried to locate her online. (That right there tells you I was starting to become more interested in her. However, it was nowhere close to anything deep) No luck. So I simply gave up. Then 2 months ago, I walk into a local coffee shop and there she is with her mother and a friend. She was shocked and surprised about as much as I was. She stood up and gave me a huge smile and a long hug. I have to admit that I was quite taken back with her. This was no longer a young girl. She was a grown woman. We made a time to get together and catchup on things.

    I met her for lunch and was attracted to what she had become: confident, playful, outgoing, intelligent, no-nonsense, and certainly very pretty. I could tell she was very nervous and that she wanted to tell me something. We never got to that as I could tell it was not the place or time. Eventually, we would meet for lunch and coffee. I told her upfront I was married, but was having serious issues at home. She told me that she had a boyfriend in another city but was not drawn to him at all. We texted and called. I could tell that I was growing more attracted to her and that she was doing the same with me. We even went to the car races together…and her boyfriend was there. But I could tell there was no attraction to him, or to her from him. She even drove a hundred miles out of her way to see me for dinner at a speech I was making in another city. Eventually, I made the fatal mistake of sending her some flowers and a note after she had a rough day at work. The note was pretty deep. She texted me and told me she had the same feelings for me and that she had a crush on me since she was young. But according to her, it was no longer a crush. It was real.

    To shorten the story, we would meet and talked very deeply about each other. We would hold hands, hug each other, and even did some work on repairing damaged homes for the needy. Kisses were out because she said there is no way she could hold back if we did so. But trust me…we were VERY close to some long passionate kisses. She told me she was always nervous around me because “Wouldn’t you be nervous if you had everything you’ve ever wanted sitting in front of you?” We went to a bar one night to watch a game when she came out and told me she loved me. We were suppose to meet last Saturday to spend the entire day together watching movies, eating Thai, and drinking a bottle of wine that had bought from France as a gift to her.

    That day never came.

    That morning after the trip to the bar to watch the game, she texted me and said she was so excited to be with me that night. I didn’t respond until later that day saying it was great, but we were going to have to call the day off because I was having trouble with all of it. I didn’t tell her that it was because of the certainty of sleeping together, and the feelings of guilt. That day, we texted some brief texts. She said that she loved me and that she didn’t say those things lightly because of some past relational issues with other men. I made a second major error. I happened to be driving by a cafe/club and saw her car. I impulsively wrote a note saying she was a wonderful woman and had dramaticallly impacted my life. I also wrote that I loved her. It was a very short note which I left on her windshield.

    That Friday, I texted her and asked how she was. I also apologized for the note and wished her well on an upcoming out of town job interviews. Her texts were very brief: She told me she just wanted it to go back to the day when she first met me at the cafe upon her return to the city. She also stated she wished she had never told me how she felt. Of course, it was me who opened that door. I told her that was impossible to go back as friends because of what had happened. One can’t simply turn off feelings for another like a light switch. The rest of her texts were: “Thanks” “Ok” and those types of things. I told her I would contact her Tuesday (today) to set up a time for a face to face. My last text to her was “Don’t worry. We’re both going to be fine. I promise” She never responded. I’ve decided not to have any contact with her. I’m not texting her a time or a place as I know it would cause more problems and even potentially make me feel much worse. There are other details. However, you get the jist of the story.

    So my questions:
    1) Could you provide me an idea as to what is going on in her head?
    2) What is her emotional state?
    3) What is her possible image of me right now?

    I would seriously would love to hear your feedback, criticisms, and even questions. Thanks!

    • Spark

      Quick edit:

      To clarify… FWIW

      1. She did agree to a face to face when I asked her if that was okay. I told her I would contact her with the time and place, and she agreed. However, I never followed through.
      2. When I first contacted her to say it was off for that Saturday due to the fact I couldn’t take it, I did tell her I loved her. She responded saying she loved me too, and she stated she just wanted to go back to the way things were before we first recently met, and that she thought that she should have kept her love a secret from me.

      • Thissitesavedmylife

        Hi Spark, if you check out my post a few comments below I provided some insights into the female mind during and after the ending of an affair. It sucks for both parties bc there are no winners, only survivors.

      • Hope

        Spark,
        Good on you for recognising it was wrong and doing the right thing but that poor woman must feel horrible right now. You rejected her 2-3 times then told her you loved her but cancelled everything (I understand your reasons for doing this) and went MIA? which might have made her feel like you didn’t care? But you are right, meeting her now would only make things worse. I think she still feels you are a good person (and you are). No wonder she feels she shouldn’t have said anything because you said you loved her and then backed off. She probably knows your wife and your marriage comes first and doesn’t want to get involved. Please stay on the right track, don’t chase her/contact her, she sounds like a wonderful lady and deserves so much more than anything you can ever offer her (you don’t want her to experience pain like most of us do). If you love her please let her go as you have no plans of giving her what her love truly deserves.

      • Esme

        Hi Spark,

        Here is my advice, I am marriead and held an affair with a man I consider the man i loved for almost 3 years. He recently walk away from our affair. I gather you are still married… as much I wish to tell you what emotional stage this women is in I do not believe that is the main focus. I will focus on you because the last thing I would like for you is to be in is kind of pain that is left after an long affair. The intrest and attraction you obtain of her was as you stated her confidence, her will power, charisma, and success. It could have been that she found the same in you but recently you are changing because of this new relationship. My advice is before you change any futher evaluate your life, wants and needs. If you find you marriage broken and unfixable then focus on either making it happy again or letting go. So that your new encounters and relationship get a fair chance to flourish. Believe me nothing will poison a relationship more then a person that doesn’t have control on their own life.

        I once told my lover that as much I love him that our relationship started wrong.

        If you really have feeling of love for this women and you can see a future with her then first let go of marriage you are in and focus on yourself to build yourself up. Continuing and pursuing this new women will only make you happy for a short time and miserable for a long time.

        Focus on yourself and what is best for you.

        Best of Luck,
        Esme

      • Lara

        Dear Spark,
        I feel like your situation is different despite what i said before in one of my comments to you. Now that I have read your story above, I understand the person you were with was a very young teenager and you helped her in a troubled time. This I feel can complicate s this situation by a lot. Trauma bonding is real and perhaps she was relying on you as a strong adult male or even father figure at that early time? Did she put you an a pedastal I wonder? And did she continue to do so even when she was older? I admit to being out of my league here as to giving you any advice as to what to do now. I am posing these questions to get you to consider these other possible aspects of this situation if you have not already. Also, the nature of her problems back then when you helped her would certainly seem important to consider. She may have seemed like just a “kid” to you back then, but she have perceived you as someone quite important to her personal growth and life from the very start. L.

    • Felk

      Spark, you know what she’s feeling. She’s feeling hurt and rejected and she’s in mourning over the loss of your relationship. She’s feeling foolish for telling you she loved you. She’s worried she drove you away with that admission, but she also knows that it was important for her to be honest and if that drove you away, it’s for the best. She wishes she could go back to that day you met again and go back to just being friends before it was all ruined and before she felt this crushing pain. Her emotional state? Crushed. Devastated. When you’re that in love and someone suddenly ends it, it’s horrible. You know how bad it feels for you. It’s worse for her since it wasn’t her choice. But now you have to leave her alone. You know that. Do not contact her if you cannot offer her the relationship she wants. What is her image of you? I don’t know. She may feel deceived. She may feel used. She may feel you’re selfish or cowardly. She may also have pretty much the same image she always did of you, and she’s just hurt. My break-up didn’t really change my image of my MM. I knew who he was, and the break-up was pretty consistent with that. That’s about your ego, though. If you don’t want a relationship her, it doesn’t matter what she thinks of you anymore.

      • Nomad

        Agree! Do not contact her if you can’t give her happiness. Though I’m now still hoping mm will loose his self control and contact me but no, he has gradually and over the past 6mths managed to control himself and wean off me. I thank him for that and making things easier for me and for the better in long run.

        Don’t ever start and think that you can end it, let go and move on eventually when novelty and curiosity wore off; thinking that returning to spouse is easy and life goes on. Things will NEVER be the same. I am damaged and god knows if I’ll be normal and happy again despite so many promises from all here that I’ll heal and feel indifferent.

        I feel relieved that it’s still not too late for you and happy for her that your self control and rational thinking are firm and unwavering. I went in knowing he will not divorce and perhaps he thought it’s safer with a mw. It’s our 18mths anniversary in 9days time, I think I’ll stop counting the nc by then. He once wanted us to last 10yrs but I laughed it off telling him I’d be happy if we could make it 6mths. Fact is, his guilt and fear grew as he got deeper, my jealousy and anxiety infested and suffered so much pain, hurt, insomnia, losing myself, and as I downloaded my hellish life to him, I guess that helped me to quit me because that made him feeling terrible and guilty both ways. So! I forcibly chose to understand in good light why he finally left this time, as Felk said, couldn’t fault him for choosing his family. I am the mistake. He’s the source of my pain and insomnia. I am in denial to sound so rational and righteous to be honest but I’ve no choice now. It’s my ego. Worse if I cave in and slap with rejection and it’s agonizing to repeat the tumultuous cycle that makes me feel I’m still wasting my life.

    • Nomad

      Spark, how are you feeling? Are you still missing her? Are you still exercising self control not to contact her? Are you still hurting? Or you have let go and moved on? Life with wife is better than before? I hope to know because I think my mm should be feeling the same?

      Day 9 of nc and I’m feeling worse… missed him much more… feeling hopeless that this is it and he’s not coming back…

  • Rebecca

    Hello everyone,
    After researching how to break up with a MM, I found this site. NC started last night and I am so HURT! I had to leave! So MM is my coworker, it started out innocent (doesn’t it always start out this way???) He would compliment me, and we would have small talks here and there. I didn’t know he was married, he never wore a wedding band, and he was a very private person. We exchanged numbers, and we started texting everyday……… fast forward…… a month into sleeping together, he told me he was married, and he wasn’t happy. I felt sorry for him, and wanted to be there as his “support.” The sex was amazing!!!! There was so much emotions involve, I thought I had found my soulmate. He made me a lot of PROMISES; he told me for 7 months that he will end his marriage of 13 years because he’s unhappy, he would married me— he just wants me to be patient with him, be his “ride-or-die!” (I’m dying alright!!!!)
    We planned on moving in together, and he wanted to be apart of my son’s life…… after planning for 7 months, 2 weeks ago I asked him: “what if she calls my phone when we move in together babe, should I tell her, yes you live here but she needs to discuss that with you?” OMG! He got mad! “No, you shouldn’t say anything to her, that’s not your place, you only have one option, telling her you’re my coworker!!!” I felt soooooo hurt and broken!!! I immediately broke it off with him, but went back two days later crying, asking him “what is the truth???” He then tries to explain that if I tell her about us, I will mess up his “exist plans, and me of all people should be more understanding since I was divorced!” Where did Mr. Charming???? Who was this NEW person??? PLEASE tell me everything he told me was true!!!!!

    I officially end it last night after thinking how much he used me: he stayed at my apartment, as his family lives three hours away, and when he goes home on weekends, I don’t have from him, he used me for companiship, sex, love, and affection…. everything he wasn’t getting at home! (Well so he says)

    Where should I start with my healing? Any suggestions?? I have never felt so used in my entire life! 😢

    • Spark

      Hi Rebecca.

      So sorry to hear about your situation. There are many wonderful ladies who can help walk you through this much better than I can.
      As a guy, I can only approach it from my point of view.

      The good news is YOU ended it. That says something extremely powerful and wise on your part. (Not to say that those ladies suffering from the MM dropping them are not wise). You saw how he was treating you and decided you were way better than that. Personally, I think that’s pretty awesome.

      Stick with the NC. It is your tool and only key to survival. If you give that up, you will make it much worse, and even open up yourself to a much more damaging and hurtful situation. You have the upper hand in this. So, do NOT ever contact him again for ANY personal reason whatsoever. Since you are coworkers, see if there is any chance of transfer or moving to another location. Try to keep from working on projects together. If you can’t, see if another person can be included in projects. This will make it more bearable and keep you from acting on the temptation of reaching out to him to “see how he is” or any other reason/excuse.

      From the way he acted, and the fact he didn’t tell you he was married until after he slept with you, he sounds like a real chump…a user. Look at it this way. You dumped a loser from your life. He’s probably mad and may even be hurt. But his hurt is more out of a completely selfish and narcissistic reason. He’s more concerned about himself and his standing than he is for you. You don’t need people like this in your life. There are many good men who don’t act that way.

      Yes, it hurts like HELL. And it will for some time. But you will overcome. Just stick with the NC as far as your work situation allows. It’s crucial you do this. You’ll win in the end, and he will wind up the biggest loser. Hang in there!

      • J

        Spark,
        Why can’t you get divorced and be with the woman you actually love? I don’t understand why you don’t think staying married is wrong when you’re in love with someone else. Your wife could find someone who loves her fully.

        • Spark

          Hi J.

          Thanks for the comment. Actually, it’s a fantastic question!

          In my view, it’s all about commitment. I made a promise to a woman I loved at the time. I can try to justify and rationalize by saying I didn’t love my wife when I married her. But that isn’t true. In fact, she is perhaps the sweetest, kindest, faithful, easy-going, loving, patient, and nicest woman on the planet. But over the years, things changed. She seems to have lost herself. She’s a pretty woman, but she no longer has confidence in her femininity. And for me, that is a MAJOR quality in a relationship. Her laid-back attitude has turned her into a woman who likes to sit on the couch and read books as much as possible. Thankfully, she’s recently started going to the gym with me. But she hates to put any effort into it from her own desire. I seem to have to push her to it. To simply put it, she seems to be turning into an old lady 30 years before her time. Whose fault is that? Some of both. But I will take most of the blame as I’m certain there are hidden things about me that are not good which I just don’t see. So, I admit my failures may cause this.

          As for me? I am much more adventurous, and that has left me quite lonely. In fact, I travel the world usually by myself. I sit in Paris cafes enjoying the tranquility…all by myself. I visit old ruins and castles…all by myself. I even ski the French and Swiss alps…yes, you guessed it: By myself. Funny story, but I once was approached and strongly hit on by a former Peruvian fashion model in Instanbul. (Lord knows why me!) She made it very clear what she wanted to do. However, for me, I didn’t want the sex. I wanted the companionship. So, I walked with her in the quiet streets, hugged her goodnight, and then went to my room. I’m sure she was quite dumbfounded that I didn’t take her home and make love to her. 🙂

          So… Who is to say that all I’ve gone through with my wife won’t happen all over again with the OW? Right now, I have to look at this rationally, as all of us here have to do. It’s important we don’t look at it from the emotional standpoint as our emotions fade and change. Do we love ALL the qualities of this other person? Have we put a halo around them in which we fail to the see the negative things that would make us cringe if we were married to them? Am I hooked on the same feelings I had when I first dated my wife? Truth be told, I’m probably in love with the wonderful high I have with the OW. I don’t think so. I really enjoy her. She’s a fantastic person whom I think I could spend my life with. However, I can’t trust myself and my emotions at the moment.

          I heard a statistic from a nationally known marriage counselor who stated 90% of those who divorce their spouse for another person…never marry the other person. Those 10% who do? Well, research has shown 90% of those fail within the first three years. It looks like the odds are HEAVILY stacked against any success rate for a happy post-divorce marriage. If I were to leave my wife and get with the OW, chances are it would fail…and then I would again be going through the entire emotional roller coaster we all seem to be going through.

          There! How is that for a totally long rant!?! 🙂

          • Jo

            Spark,
            From reading your response, it seems to me that you’re afraid of failure when you leave your marriage to be with someone else, afraid of the emotional roller coaster and lack of stability that a marriage offers. You sound exactly like me a few months ago. May I share with you from my experience?
            I too was a married woman, had an affair with another MM thinking I would never leave my marriage for the MM because of all the statistics that you listed, the chance of happiness with the other person is just too low. My biggest fears: What if my affair worked out, we’d be together, go through the stages of a relationship or even marriage, ups and downs, and find myself in the same spot? Am I just infatuated with my MM and that will die down eventually? Am I just being immature and throwing away a perfectly good thing? Will my lover and I still love each other the way we do now? Otherwise, I’d just be devastated and back to square one.
            Well 6 months after the affair started, I told my lover I wanted to end if he couldn’t give me his all, and also got a divorce from my husband. I’m now still going through emotional roller coaster at times because of the divorce, and of course the ending of the affair. The wound is still very fresh for me as it just recently happened, but as I go through this, I am also realizing that, I can actually live without both. I realize that I didn’t need to get a divorce to be with my lover, I didn’t need to run to my affair at all.

            Yes I am in pain, yes I still go on emotional roller coaster, but then don’t we go through that anyway if we choose to do nothing to fix our situation? We were all brought to this website for a reason! I guess what I’m trying to say is, there is life after divorce. I have no doubts you and everyone on here can go on with our lives too, whether we pursue our happiness with our affair after the divorce, or not. In fact, day by day, I feel more in control of my life and my happiness more than I ever before. And if later on I feel I have made a huge mistake with all these decisions, then I guess that’s lesson to be learned about myself, and I’ll just be more prepared to make better decision in the future. Of course I’m not advocating everyone to just get divorced when you’re not happy, but give it all to your marriage for a fresh start. If after all the effort, it fails, I don’t think you’ll regret later on if you decide to leave. At least, that’s the case for me.
            Hope you will find clarity and happiness soon, no time to waste in this life!

            “A ship in harbor is safe — but that is not what ships are built for.” — John A. Shedd.

  • Heartbroken

    Hi all,
    Hope everyone is doing ok. I am feeling a bit low today and could use some support. Comments on this forum have been helping me, Thank you so much Lara, Mary, Bevcha, Flek, list goes on! I broke it off 2 weeks ago (have tried breaking up numerous times but the pain feels unbearable and I end up going back to him for more). I know he loves me but I am tired of being with an unavailable man. I only have myself to blame for this pain as I became a part of this voluntarily. I am trying to take one day at a time and trying to focus on my little one. Hope it gets better, hope I get over him someday. Big hugs to everyone dealing with this pain. Xx

  • Spark

    From a guy’s perspective.

    I’ve noticed most of the comments are from women. Since this site is geared toward women, it makes sense. 🙂 But let me fill you in on how men in these situations often see it.

    Yes, there are many men who are in adulterous relationships strictly for the sex. However, there are just as many who are in one for the companionship, feelings, and ‘hope’ for what seems a brighter future. Trust me on this one. As a MM, I had a brief relationship with a single woman 15 years younger than me. I met her a long time ago while helping her through a tough situation. There was zero attraction on my part during that time. She told me I would always be her best friend. However, I still had no attraction to her. We lost contact, and recently ran across each other after 20 years of no contact. Something sparked between us and we soon became more than friends. Thank God no sex was involved. We wouldn’t even kiss, knowing where this could lead. She was very intelligent, confident, outgoing, fun, spontaneous, and extremely attractive. We spent many times alone, hugging and just holding hands.

    We had planned to spend a day together when I decided to tell her there was no way we could continue. It was in a text and not even in person. Telling her was extremely difficult. I have been through the most rigorous special ops training in the military where the washout rate was 90%…,but I can tell you that breaking off this relationship was THE most excruciating, painful, hurtful, tormenting, mind-numbing, depressing and difficult thing I have EVER done. I have thrown away everything I have ever received from her. All texts, phone messages, records of incoming calls, receipts, and even the pens I used to write her little notes….ANYTHING that I had that reminded me of her. She had become a drug in which I needed to go cold turkey, even if it left both of us in extreme pain.

    Ladies, we men often make a fast breakway not because we are using you, but simply because we are hurting just as bad as you are. We have the EXACT same feelings that I read here pertaining to how women feel. There is zero difference. Sometimes, however, we so desperately want to communicate and reach out…either by texting, a quick call, or even a glimpse. But if we do that we know we are now hooked back on the drug. It’s only been a few days, and I can tell you there is a huge temptation to reach out. But if I do, then the process starts all over again and I can’t survive that strain.

    So…. Yes, there are some bad dudes who do nothing but use women. Then again, there are also many bad women who use men. Just consider the fact that perhaps these men are acting this way because they, too are hurting and don’t know how to get out of the situation.

    • Felk

      Really appreciate your commentary here, Spark. I’m a MW who had an affair with a MM, but I posted something similar on here a few weeks ago about how I thought my MM was feeling similarly to me (hurt, confused, lost, missing, wanting, unsure). I posted about how I knew it was very hard for him to end our affair, and how it actually showed strength on his part (given that he was doing it to save his marriage and not hurt his family). I think it will help other women (and men) on here to read your words and know that the MM are often hurting just as much as we are. And I think it’s important to point out that both men and women can be selfish, awful, etc., but that, typically, people are just being human and normal in these situations. Also, I think it’s important to recognize that both people are being selfish in these situations. We can’t just blame the MM for being selfish and terrible. We know we are getting into relationships with MM and we know it could cause a lot of hurt for his wife (and kids) if they ever were to find out. We also know that it likely does cause hurt for his wife and kids (as he pulls away from them to give attention to us). We are hurting other people, even if indirectly, and we know it. Gotta look at our own behaviors in this, too.

      • Spark

        Hi Felk,

        You make some excellent points and observations That’s the biggest problem with extramarital relationships. One day, they will have to come to an end in one of two ways. 1) Someone will break it off. 2) One will divorce. Usually, it is number one.

        The breakup is SO difficult. One of the big reasons is that the relationship is a high. It is emotionally involved and makes us feel so good and awesome when we are with the other. Of course, that’s because we really don’t see the bad in the other person, only this halo. Any flaws we do see we rationalize away. When the breakup happens, we lose the high and crave it like a drug. What we are all going through is exactly like a drug addict going through withdrawals. That’s why cutting off all contact and moving on is EXTREMELY difficult. We hurt emotionally and even physically. Our bodies get suddenly hot and our skin feels like it’s on fire. If only we could crawl out of our skin!

        One of the things that triggered me to drop the relationship is when she told me: “I am so impressed and in awe of your integrity. I have never met someone like that.” That statement hit me right between the eyes. After all, if I was so full of integrity, then why was I seeing another woman?”

        Finally, I can promise you I wish she would text me, call me, or make some type of contact. I haven’t heard a word in four days and it killing me thinking she probably is angry and/or hurt. Of course, it’s simply about my ego, and it’s best she doesn’t make any contact for her sake as well.

        All the best to everyone here!

        • Felk

          Spark, you say good things again. No doubt about the relationship high. We probably don’t look at affairs fairly (when we’re in them). We idealize this relationship with the other person, especially in comparison to our spouse, because it’s all fun and laughter and sex (for most of us). We get to see the best of each other without the daily hassles of married life. We don’t go through the habituation to that other person. We get to feel the excitement of wondering when we’ll see that person again (when we’ll get that next “hit”), and because we don’t get to spend that much time with them it always seems new and fresh. As I said, I was in this for five years, and it still felt new and exciting. Well, our relationship did; the difficulty of being apart and the strain of continually lying to our spouses took its toll. What you say about integrity is similar to what my MM felt. I know that he didn’t feel like he was being a good husband and father (or a good boyfriend to me). Ultimately and ironically, some of the characteristics that led me to fall in love with him were what led him to recognize that he needed to end the relationship (i.e., integrity). It sounds like it was the same for you.

          I can’t speak for your other and I don’t know the details of your break up, but you’re likely right in saying she’s hurt and angry. My guess is more hurt than angry, but, again, I don’t know the circumstances of your break up. She likely just needs the space that she is taking. She likely has been given advice from everyone to cut off contact entirely (at least for some period of time like a few months). And you know that’s smart. My MM and I had a few close talks after we broke up and they were only a band-aid, and I always felt much worse after (because I missed him even more). Also, you sound like a pretty smart guy, and I’d have to guess you’d pick a pretty reasonable woman so she’ll, ultimately, know that you cared for her but had to do what was “right.” I know that I had nearly no anger towards my ex. I knew what I was getting into, I never felt he lied to me, I always felt he loved me, and I knew he did what was best for him and his family. It hurt like nothing I’ve ever felt before when he ended it and that lasted for weeks, but it’s feeling better (6 weeks later). It still hurts. I still miss him, even though (or because) I see him at work nearly every day. Is wanting contact with her still just about your ego? Or is it also about missing someone who was a part of your life? For me, it’s both. I know I feel the rejection of him choosing his wife (i.e., my ego), but I also know I feel this void of five years of having that closeness with him.

          I’m sure different strategies work for different people. I like the prospect of a friendship with my MM (and we’re doing okay with that so far), but I also know that cutting off all contact is likely the smartest route for most people (and it’s what I would recommend to anyone). Transitioning to a friendship with my MM will slow my healing process, but it also offers something with this man that I love. It’s worth it to me.

          • Spark

            Felk,

            Many thanks for the comments. Very insightful and interesting.

            As for wanting to contact her, its both about missing her and my ego. But I know if I contact her I will feel worse for contacting her. But do I ever want to be with her!!!

            I’m sure all these feelings will pass as my head starts to put everything together in the correct way. But that is a long process.

            Thanks!

          • Nomad

            Spark,
            If she were to contact u, would see her as one who’s desperate, losing her self respect and dignity, and turn off because she doesn’t know how to love herself ?

            I think my mm, like u, has suddenly switched to a rationale mode, and seeing the big picture and end point.

            While you are experiencing all these excruciating pain, are you able to hide these near death feelings and function at home? Why didn’t my spouse detect anything amiss for the past 17 mths? I’m sure there were wkends where i was living like a zombie and dropped hints that my heart is elsewhere, I felt so guilty and very tempted to confess. Please share from your experience, what is life for you at home? After hearing your perspective, I feel hopeless about him coming back and helpless to watch us heading to an end… dying every day.

    • Christine

      Wow. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish other men would speak up, too. They are often and easily made to be the “bad” people because they disappear so quickly and easily and we view it as they never loved us. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of men that just dump the mistress and go back to their lives to escape the complications and maintenance.

      • Spark

        Thanks Christine,

        Happy to share it. In fact there is much more to it that makes this situation so bizarre. However, I left out a HUGE amount to keep all of you from having to go through the whole situation. However, I’d be more than happy to share it if anyone is interested in hearing about it. I promise you its a bit strange and twisting, and yet quite romantic. Just be ready for a long read.

        And perhaps one of you ladies will be able to tell me what she might have been thinking in all of this. Sure would help me understand.

        I have a feeling there are more bad men than there are women in these kind of things. Guys tend to look at sleeping with a woman as sort of a conquest. One test is to see how he acts after the breakup. If there is no pain, then yes, you were probably a notch on the bed. If there is a great amount of pain, then you meant something. Those guys are the ones that need to be exposed to their families.

        Hope your day goes great!

        • Thissitesavedmylife

          Hi Spark, personally I’d love to hear the unabridged version of your story. It might be cathartic for you to journal online. I can’t speak for her but I can offer a female perspective. Apologies in advance for being verbose. I entered into and stayed in my illicit relationship for the following reasons:
          1. We had mutual chemistry, sparks and attraction
          2. I fell for his personality, intelligence, success and looks
          3. I had been dating casually but had not felt such an intense attraction in a long time
          4. I was lonely and totally longing for male attention from someone I was interested in romantically
          5. I didn’t think about long term consequences and was living in the moment
          6. He flirted and showered me with compliments
          7. I turned a blind eye to his marital status. I was living in fantasy land bc his wife was not in my line of vision.
          8. Low self-esteem
          9. Foolish hope that I might be the exception and not the rule even though stats are highly unfavorable in these cases.
          10. Sex was off the charts mind blowing
          After endless breakups and makeups I finally lost it this weekend. I found out his wife took him away on a surprise luxurious spa vacation somewhere. Even typing this gets me all worked up again. We had plans this week and I told him to piss off. He alleged that they weren’t intimate but it’s everything it stands for that breaks my heart and soul. We work together but virtually so I’m doing everything possible to perform well in my role and act like nothing is fazing me. As for my emotional state following the breakup this is where I stand (your ex may be experience one or many of these fun emotions):
          1. Resentful that you have a partner to go home to
          2. Rejected that you chose your spouse over her
          3. Relieved that she doesn’t have to spend free time checking her phone and ruminating about what you’re doing
          4. Anger and hatred toward you and herself for getting emotionally involved with an unavailable person
          5. Jealousy over your significant other
          6. General sadness, depression and numbness that come along with an ending or any loss
          I have a feeling that all of the above are significantly less intense since you weren’t physical together. I respect you both for not permitting it to go that far. You are incredibly disciplined, wise and selfless. I wish you all of the success, happiness and good fortune. I look forward to hearing your story.

          • Spark

            Wow! That is very powerful! Thanks for posting it. It’s very insightful

            I’m hoping you are able to get over your situation soon and with less pain. It sounds as if you have had to deal with quite a bit of difficulty and emotional bruising.

            I hope my OW doesn’t have to go through a big ordeal. Unknown to me, she has been carrying the torch for me for the last 25 years! I never knew it until we met up again and all came out in the open. (The unabridged story is listed in another post above) My closeness to her began three or so months ago. Her desire for me has kindled for 25 years! So, I’m assuming she may a hard time dealing with it, especially since I was the one who pulled out. I really hope she doesn’t and can move on quickly,

            In fact, I would rather bear the pain for her if it helps heal her wounds so she can resume her life. Of course, I will probably never know as I am strict on my NC rule.

            Take care, and many thanks for sharing your hurts.

        • Lara

          I hate to say this Spark but with the details you just shared about her having carried a torch for u for 25 years, and now you KNOWING that, I would say ALL of Thissitesavedmylife’s Second set of numbers in her long post above apply. Definitely all of the numbers for her, but most likely some of of them for you too. I hope I am wrong but I have seen many situations in my time trying to exit my affair and I have learned a lot.

    • Lara

      Thank you Spark for your words from a guy’s perspective. It really helps to hear a man’s point of view. It is nice to know men have feelings and longings and regrets just like we women do. I dare say you are unlike my former MM in many ways. And unlike many of the MM’s I read about here. My MM and I started with sex from the very beginning. He complained to me that the romance and passion had gone all out if his marriage and that I meant everything to him because I was so passionate and because I wanted him all the time. I got the feeling that I had a real role in his life and that I was needed. But as time passed I realized I had been duped. Yes he liked (loved) the sex and the love and attention I gave him, but no, he could not l (would not) eave his wife because she was the mother of his children. This went on and on for years with many break ups and get back together’s as I struggled to understand how he could do such a thing to me. I became very hooked into the relationship emotionally as well as physically and I repeatedly sought to “prove him wrong” so I could redeem my rapidly falling self esteem. (My self esteem fell into the gutter anyhow because he never changed.) Many MM’s follow this pattern. It is so telling that you say, “Something sparked between us and we soon became more than friends. Thank God no sex was involved.” You clearly showed a huge sense of self control in your situation and also a knowledge of the consequences. You seemed to be aware of the repercussions of hooking in another woman. My kudos to you! Too bad so many other married men do not act like this.

      • Spark

        Lara,

        So sorry to hear about your pain and hurt. Seems like you really loved him. To feel that you “had a real role in his life and that I was needed” is so powerful. When that appears not to be the case, then the pain is intensified a million times. Your esteem drops and you feel worthless.

        Sex is INCREDIBLY powerful. It’s the only act that allows two people to just about physically touch each other’s soul. Once it happens, you are hooked on the person in a deeply spiritual way. I can’t begin to describe to you how difficult it was for the both of us not to have sex. However, if it had happened, I think the breakup would take much longer, be much more difficult, and probably would lead us back together again.

        Lara, your worth is not determined by how another man feels for you. It is determined by the fact you are a woman created for a purpose in life. I’m not sure where you are in all of your healing process. If you’re over it, then great! If not, I promise you it will happen…even though I’m still trying to find it in the middle of a huge amount of pain and hurt.

        May you have a great and wonderfully happy life!

        • Lara

          Spark, Thank you. I think you have read me correctly. I especially like to hear (and re-read often) the last paragraph. I need that. Yes I lost a perceived role in my ex MM’s life. For me that was huge. I too can scratch the scab by going back to him, but it will not solve anything. I need to move on…to move straight forward not backwards. And out of harm’s way. I still see him from a distance as he works right near my house but most nights i force myself to look away. The nights I don’t are always MUCH WORSE! Looking away means I am taking care of myself and I am too strong to let another man’s marriage ruin me. Looking away means in the distance I hope to find a new lover, a new person to care of but one that will also take care of ME. The process is NOT easy ; that is why we all seem to relapse so much. I never judge anyone for going backwards. I have done that a million times too. Like you said sex is INCREDIBLY powerful and the lure is too strong sometimes. But I am done with this fish and need to catch another one. I have seen this movie too many times and already know the unhappy ending. SO I continue to STAY AWAY. (Broke up in May this year) I wish you the very best too! (And the same to everyone else on here too) L.

    • Heartbroken

      Thanks for trying to help Spark. Still feels unfair. You said you love her yet feel no responsibility towards her? Wife always comes first right. Geez if only I had listened to my brain. Never again as it’s a waste of time and brings so much pain. Hope everyone dealing with this heals.

      • Spark

        Heartbroken,

        I believe you may have pulled the quote from another person. I reread my post and cant find where I wrote that.

        It seems like you’ve really been through the ringer. However, it also appears that you are much wiser and know when to recognize when this sort of thing is about to happen again. So good for you.

        Finally, one piece of advice… change your forum name. Yes, you are heartbroken. But if you continue with that, I promise you will have a tougher time getting over it. It’s a constant reminder to yourself that you are broken. You have enough to deal with than always reminding yourself as to where you are.

        I hope you find quick healing and peace. And you will. It’s closer than you think.

        • Hope

          Sorry Spark my mistake, I have been reading many comments and got it mixed up. Thank you, good on you for doing what’s needed.

          We all have had to deal with pain and suffering. Hope you heal quickly too and find peace. Stay strong, God Bless

          • Spark

            Love the new name! Yes, there is Hope! It may not seem like it because the enemy continues to whisper in our ear that there is never any hope for a happy life. Hang in there!

        • Hope

          Thank you Spark. Yes there is hope for all of us. Yes are all doing the right thing here. Take care. Hope your pain goes away soon too.

    • Kev who thought he was the only MM guy on this site

      Its been close to 2 years since I’ve been in the relationship with my lover….and I’m so confused the only way that I can break it off is cold turkey…………I know if I don’t do it that way it will never end.. I experience a lot of the feelings that is posted on this site..(to know a little about my story have to read previous post)

      • Spark

        Hey Kev!

        Glad to see there’s another MM here! We guys need to stick together, eh? 🙂

        Seriously, though, I feel you pain. Brother, it’s tough. You and I (as well as the many wonderful ladies on this site) are in the middle of a huge emotional Cat 5 hurricane. In fact, it is more like a death. We have let go of someone (or have been let go) and we have to accept the fact that we must never strive to see or hear from them again. That is what makes it so difficult. There is grief, denial, anger, and all the things that go with mourning. If you contact her for ANY reason whatsoever, you are pulling the scab off the wound, an injury that will take some time to get over. If we reach out to them, we have ripped open the scab. If we continually pick at it with thoughts and fantasies about them, we will slow the process tremendously.

        There is good news, though. It will end. That’s a promise. Controlling our thoughts, being confident in who we are and our abilities, and being there to help others is a GREAT way to get out of this state. It will take some time, but it will happen.

        Looking forward to hearing on the progress you and everyone else are making throughout the following days. Just think of how wiser and solid we all will become when the storm passes!

      • Nomad

        Hi Kev… I remember you… so for the past 2 years you are still missing her and holding back from contacting her? Did you move on well with your life after her and things are well with your wife? Lovingly growing together?

        • Kev

          Sorry for the misquot from the last post……..I meant to say it has been almost two years with my lover…….last September was going to be our breakup day after we celebrated my 40th birthday but as of now it looks like we have become stronger as a couple…

          I think I have believed the lie so many of us have believed and that we can just go back to being friends like we were before the affair.

          As a married man it’s very confusing and I hate the emotional roller coaster. We both have talked about the possibility of marriage and we wrestle with the idea all the time………

          I would be putting so much on the line and have so much to loose and I wrestle with this thought what if I leave everything to be with this woman and it don’t work…………

  • J

    I can so relate to what others are saying. Nomad, like what you’re saying about obsessing over the wife and their life. I’ve walked away from him so many times, but what always gets me back is I can’t take the thought of him with her. It kills me and I feel uncontrollable. I start constantly wondering what are they doing now, is he starting to enjoy her company, has he had sex with her even though he says he hasn’t in over 2 years because she’s physically so repulsive to him. I wonder if he’s forgetting me. My mm has pushed me away before, he’s told me 100 times that he rather be with me and I’m so much better for him, and he’s in love with me vs her he just loves as a friend. But he says the guilt is eating him up and he can’t handle the severe stress of a double life. He’s said this before, but after a few days couldn’t handle the no physical contact with me and always started it back up. This time it’s been a week and he’s kept his hands to himself and wants to be friends still. Everything is exactly the same, nonstop talking all day, doing things together, working out together, just nothing physical. I don’t know how long this will lady or if I want it to. He claims he’s working on his marriage. Which I don’t get at all. How’s that possible with the woman he claims is so stupid and fat. But the idea of them together really upsets me to the point of nausea. I really feel I’ve fixed his marriage in a sense, he gets his fun times and great conversations with me, so he doesn’t focus on what he’s missing with her. Plus the guilt makes him act extra nice to her and forget why they are so incompatible. Help!

    • Nomad

      Hi J, when I read your post, I thought I wrote it!!!
      I’ve fixed their marriage! Guilt fuels him extra nice to her to make up his conscience and I give him the other bit of his world that he’s not getting from her.

      After NC for 8 days, then 2 days ago he rang my desk telling me he needed to hear my voice and updated me that life has been routine for him, kids are his happiness, avoided talking about his wife. This is after I’ve lived miserably and painfully for 8 days so dead sure that that was it. I struggled between hanging up versus cave in just to hear his voice …He didn’t ask me for lunch or unblock him from my mobile. He asked how’s my weekend, what did I do, how’s work, was I able to function (why did he care when he has already damaged me).
      I repeated I’m fine many times… I asked him back how’s life without me without guilt? He replied normal, quite routine at home and busy at work, life goes on…. so, his thoughts didn’t quite obsessed with me like how he did to my mind…. so, he called because he’s horny and time to try his luck if he could get for a short fantasy today, yes today, he asked 2 days ago if I could meet him today as he has lots of leave to clear so today he could spare few hrs to feed his addiction. I was being so ridiculous because I actually felt excited and happy that he asked! Then the other inner voice screamed at me to sober up, do not succumb to moments of deprivation and reset all my efforts and never be able to quit this vicious cycle. Then yesterday he went missing again… didn’t call my desk and I continued to block him. I supposed he regretted initiating and eaten up by his guilt so he disappeared again.

      Back to the conversation, I asked him why did he call??? When he’s living so well, coping so fine, going back to his life 17 mths ago before us, why called and threw away the effort of moving on??? Isn’t a guilt free and fearless life is more important than cheating with me? I’m so not worth the risk and taint his moral values, which he realizes after 17 mths. Why did he call instead of exercise self control after I’ve cried for him to understand if he can’t love me the way I need and the way we were, please go. I thought I made it very clear the very last time we sat down and talked so sensibly. I couldn’t remember his reply to all these why’s that I’ve fired at him. Well, it’s the same as why I picked up his call and held on… but I know why… I still hope that he could love me…I still want to justify I made love and not offer sex for free.

      I’m on the way to office… I hope he will not attempt to find me and get me to cave in and go to room… then I’ll tell myself o did well, this too shall pass… honestly it is very hard to resist…so let’s just hope that his guilty conscience makes him let me go and stop dragging and torturing me..

      I tried to get close to my spouse but I failed… it was so bad that I felt nauseous… I lost patience and at Cold War with my teen daughter and didn’t bother to repair or reconcile, I even think of detaching myself from her so that she cannot hurt me again and again. Then why is it so impossible to detach myself from mm?!?!? I’m so damaged that I put mm before my family, wasting my time, space and emotions on a worthless piece of shit. I still see no light at the end of the tunnel, I’m just avoiding and in denial, bluffing myself that I’m improving, I can quit mm…

      I read all the messages (from Lara, J, Felk ..,) all of which I could resonate, dug out all the words from my heart so vicariously… they helped…we are not alone and I really envy those who had saved themselves and moved on… please don’t give up on me…

      • J

        Nomad,
        Thanks so much for your reply. Please start acting rude to your mm. Tell him you want him to work on his marriage. Tell him you’re bored of him and don’t want to be with him. Act as happy as can be. Your mm is being so careless with your heart because he thinks he owns it and he can have you whenever he wants. Let him know he can’t anymore. Let him enjoy his horrid relationship with his wife which he obviously was bored in if he was with you. I told my mm man the same things. Told him sex is off the table and I want him to move on. Guess what? Suddenly he’s as nice as can be. And he’s seeing the boring future with his old fat wife (his words).

        • Thissitesavedmylife

          J, thanks for writing this post. I thought it was one of my former comments. Go figure! Our stories are identical. I’ve literally gone back and forth with him at least 20 times. She’s fat and he is not attracted to her. I’m his ideal and he didn’t know what he was missing until I arrived in his life. All the same lines about how wonderful we are and they are sticking around for the kids. IDK what gets me to return. I guess pain has a short shelf life and I forget oh so quickly how ugly it feels when he takes vacations with her or celebrates holidays with her. Today I found out that she took him on a surprise getaway this past weekend. I’m assuming for their anniversary. I literally felt like someone disemboweled me at that moment. Yet he has told me straight up that he’s not leaving her. I feel like we are filling the gaps in their marriage and mending their wounded relationships. Why do we accept this crap? I hate him and myself for repeating this vicious, torturous cycle. How do you all break free from this addiction? I allow myself to get sucked back in after each ending. I know this is dead end and total insanity. I find myself incredibly jealous of his wife yet I’m sure she is prob a loving, wonderful woman that deserves 100% devotion and commitment. If anyone has any success stories on how they broke free and feel great… that would be awesome!

          • Hope

            Thank you so much for your stories and the support. This site has been a God sent. Thank you all. Hope everyone recovers and gets over the pain. Hope we all find the happiness that we deserve.

      • Mad’lyn

        Why do I put the MM before family?! Such a great question. I do that, too! And it angers me so much. When he crushes my spirit and makes me feel bad for expressing my insecurities, I am so consumed. I have NO ONE to talk to about it because its a secret affair and everyone would hate me if they knew. So, I take the abuse time and time again. I think this time he is serious about breaking up with me and making my life difficult as punishment. And here I am, locked in my room and unable to function. My poor kids do not know why I cry so much. I want to be done with the mental manipulation. I am struggling to get go. But that is because the MMs put us in this dependent position. They have made us feel like we NEED them. And feel that way we do!!!

    • InWaiting

      Oh, J,

      I can so relate to all you said. All those thoughts about the mm wife were ruminating in my brain over and over again, for months! Now that I am out of it, I can clearly see that I was just helping him to be happy with his wife, he needed someone on the side, something exciting to live with his marriage routine life. If you are out of his life, he is not going to be happy with his wife, at least not for long. He will start being bored again, not happy with the everyday life with his wife, etc. So he will either try to get you back or he will start looking for someone else. All the “guilt” conversations are bullsh.t. This helps him to look good in your eyes. If he felt guilt, he wouldn’t have a long term affair.
      Your no-physical relationship with your mm is not going to be for long. He will want excitement and physical contact again at some point. He just got spoiled by having the best of both worlds for quite sometime. You spoiled him too. He is sure that he can get you back at anytime, so he can allow himself to be distant now. But do YOU want this to continue? It’s an addiction and the longer you keep going, the longer time and the greater amount of pain it will bring you once you decide to finally stop it. Mine was about 8 months, and after that 12! months of suffering, going back and forth between NC and getting back with him, being depressed, being hurt, being in pain.

    • Heartbroken

      So sorry for your pain J. We have all been there. Please try and focus on YOU. Try not to think about his life. He doesn’t deserve you. You deserve someone who will always be there for you and not someone who uses you to fill in the gaps. You don’t want to be stuck in this same cycle again. YOU deserve better!! Hugs to you xx

  • Nomad

    At this very moment, I’m feeling so vulnerable and hurt, tears just keep falling… I miss him and even if I cave in and text him, this time he could turn around to plead me to let him go, he had successfully quit the addiction, and starting afresh, not letting anyone to plant guilt in him or risk breaking his family. Such self talk helped to bring me back to reality. Reality that he has forsaken me (when I was the one who left first did hundreds of times); reality that he has moved on and unlike me, he doesn’t cry wolf, he doesn’t look back. I drove him away and I should be grateful to giving me what i want now, ie. get out of my life, isn’t it?! What exactly do I want? How to love myself ? How to be sure that I’m accepting the harsh truth now ie. He’s gone forever? I couldn’t be friends with him, we are still working in the same company, I’m drained of acting tough.

    “When it hurts to move on, just remember the pain to hang on” do I grown to prefer the pain to hang on? I can’t because I’ve no shame, no self respect. He would think I’m cheap.

    It’s still so agonizing and dangerous whenever I’m alone with so much time to overthink… I thought I am getting bettt every day but suddenly I’m attacked by all these revolving days him. At home, I feel so sinned, I don’t deserve to be living

    • InWaiting

      I am so sorry for all your pain Nomad. And for other ladies too. I was in the same situation several months ago. I am well over it now. I no longer even like that mm I was with. Seriously. It was indeed just an addiction. A very strong addiction.
      If you ladies are suffering so much because the guys seem to walk away with no any regrets, and they just keep their happy lives with their wives, why don’t you ladies make the affair fact known to the wives? Does it worth to be that good and keep suffering? I know, I know, you would say that it would not stop the trouble. Oh, it will help, if you suffer that much about the fact that he just trashed you, then trash him as well. I have not done this to my former mm, but if I have a chance in the future, oh yeah, I will.

    • Heartbroken

      Nomad hope you are feeling a bit better today. I am so sorry for the pain you are in and I understand. I recently broke up with my mm and this time I think it’s forever. I am so tired of the highs and lows. Try not to think of his life. You are an affectionate and loving woman and you deserve so much more than this. Stay strong please, I feel your pain and I am feeling the same pain. We will all help each other though this. Stay strong. Xxxx

      • Nomad

        Hi Heartbroken,
        I am feeling worse because I’ve caved in and heard even more hurtful things from him because I told him I rather hear the truth then say things I wanna hear.

        He said he loves his kids and couldn’t imagine if we were found out, his world would collapse. He admitted he’s less crazy for me, getting more comfortable with spacing out, less guilt by not contacting me yet he still think of me… yes, yawning bullshit.

        Have I hit rock bottom? I want to but how

        • Heartbroken

          Dear Nomad,
          So sorry for pain he has caused you. Please don’t beat yourself up for caving in, we have all done that at some point! I caved in today and replied to mm. I think the reason he said was to hurt you and make you want him. That won’t work this because you have become stronger and have support here. We know it’s over, we know we can’t go back, we know we will just waste our time and cause overselves more pain if we go back. I understand it is as I am in the same boat. But at least we know we are not helping their marriages by giving them what they are missing. Stay strong girl you have got this. If you feel weak just keep comments on this thread. We will all help each other through this tough time. God bless xxxx

    • Thissitesavedmylife

      Hi Nomad, mine is also at work and that makes it significantly more difficult to walk away. There is no clean break. I loved your quote about remembering the pain of hanging on vs the pain of letting go. If you feel sad and this may not offer enough consolation, please remind yourself that you helped another soul and that would be me.

  • Nomad

    NC Day7 And I shall stop counting… this time he’s really gone for good. Perhaps he has realized and admitted we were addiction and now that we quit and healing in progress, let’s avoid anything that will cause more hurt and harm. It ain’t worth the risk, time & emotions. 17 months I’ve wasted while others have lived their life decently if not to the fullest. Why couldn’t I quit him successfully but now left licking my wound to heal only when he decided to stop contacting me and let me go. He said he’d stopped his greed and selfishness, he needed to focus on survival, career and loving his kids more. Love & Lust, he has been there done that with me in the fantasy.

    I read elsewhere that after the affair was exposed. , a mm told his wife that he said he loved his mistress because he had to say things she wanted to hear to pacify her, he was guilty about the white lie. How sad… I think my mm almost never say it because he was guilty? Each time I asked him, he replied yes and wished he didn’t have to feel pressured to confront himself if it was love with me. Why is it so hard to admit defeat? Wives always win. His still in bliss and perhaps noticed a positive change in him, thanks to me, I taught him how to love, please and be vulnerable to a woman. I cannot imagine she’s enjoying better sex with him now that he’s gotten better in bed. Such petty and toxic thoughts are killing me. Whereas I avoided my spouse more, physically and emotionally because I compared, because mm is still in my mind and heart. I’m in such a mess.

    Come dec, I’ll be away from office, he’ll be enjoying vacation with family. Is this it?

    • Lara

      Nomad I know how hard this hurts! I have been through all of this. Try not to think about him or them (him and her). Try to focus on YOU. They don’t deserve your energy and time. Let them work on their own problems and you on yours. “Feeling Guilty” ? Nope. My mm would cheat in a nano second if he knew he’d have great sex and that he would not get caught. Many married men have the same behavior in their affairs.. And thats exactly what I provided for him. By being “quiet” I actually helped him lie. Now the thought of him makes me ill in fact. He is a liar and a cheat and I seriously doubt he is repentant as that is not his personality. He is all about “Live for Now”! G-A-G…. He will never feel truly guilty.

      • Heartbroken

        Dear Lara,
        Thank you for your kind words. You are so brave. This is just what I needed to hear now when my tears won’t stop. My mm would cheat in nano second too for good sex and if he knew he won’t get caught. He actually told me a few times that he believes in living in the moment. Hurts badly but I feel free. I am hoping to repair my broken marriage. Never thought I’ll be in this position. I hope and pray we all find happiness. Xoxo

  • J

    I’m so very hurt, any words would help. I trusted my mm time and time again, it’s been almost 2 years, even though he disappointed me over and over. A few weeks ago I told him I couldn’t continue, he admitted to not putting much effort in anymore in making me happy. I told him I don’t want to ever be intimate again. Well this seemed to reinvigorate his desire to get me back again. He was super sweet and was back to his old self that he was for the first year of our relationship. Told me of his true desire to just be in a relationship with me, convinced me to be with him again intimately, told me how I’m his true love. A few days later my husband saw us working out together. I said lets just come out and be truthful. Well he decided this gave him so much guilt he can’t continue anymore. Wouldn’t even admit if he loves me anymore. But he wants to be go on seeing each other as friends. I’m so hurt. I truly believe he’s my soulmate. I risked everything for this man and I love him so much. We had a real connection and did everything together. He was my whole life, my best friend and my love. I don’t know how to stop my real love. But I’m so confused, how could he end us? I want to get divorced anyway because my heart loves someone else, but I know I won’t be with my mm. I’m an honest person and just want to live in truth. He said he needs to try to work on his marriage one more time. But if he loved her, he wouldn’t have been with me for 2 years. It kills me to think of him working on things with her. But I’m sure it won’t work as it hasn’t in years. Plus, if you’re in love with someone else, how can you work on your marriage?! Do I be his friend? Sorry I’m all over the place, I’m just so hurt its hard to even think clearly.

    • Lara

      Hi J
      I am so sorry for your hurt and confusion. I doubt anything I can say will make you feel better but I do feel you. It seems like he does not want to lose the sexual intimacy part he has with you. But he cant seem to make a practical move to be with you in reality. The guilt he feels means partly that he has not processed what he has been involved in with you. I definitely do not think you can be friends with him. I also think mean and women often have different definitions for “love” means to them. I would not rush into a divorce until you have had a chance to really settle yourself with this affair partner. I say all this from experience. L.

    • Nomad

      Hi J,

      I’ve gone through countless cycles of reinvigorating his desire to get me back and very quickly after I gave us another try, he would retreat, it’s either he’s busy at work or guilt but it’s no longer me, not even 5mins a day and totally out of sight and out of mind after office hours and the moment he’s home. Things have plummeted very quickly (also accelerated by me and my cold turkey treatment to end us) and he said in reality, we have so much to struggle in our daily lives, guilt & fear sank in and snowball, so when the oxytocin wore off after the initial 6mths, he was able to switch between reality and fantasy. Unknowingly and seamlessly, he trained me to settle for his crumbs, l thought I hit the rock bottom last wk when he went MIA for righteous reasons like busy or neglected his family (I may not come next in line after them). Busy is a lamer excuse than guilty to face innocent pple at home. The best he did was to text me “gm b” and that’s all for that day. I had to find an excuse for him that that his way of letting me know he missed me, how pathetic! Anyway, enough is enough, he has already starved me to near death. I blew up and told him to fuck off for real this time since he couldn’t do much to keep me by his side, except sex on demand and at his convenience. Then disappeared for few days to manage his guilt.

      I thought I’ve hit the rock bottom!!! But after 7 days of NC, I’m
      fighting so hard not to think of him. It seems like he has successfully morphed me into settling for less and immune to the pain of holding on, waiting, wasting. I’m so worried that couldn’t grief enough of losing him forever. It’s too dragging and draining. Can anyone who has successfully let go and moved on please share some survival tips?

    • Needhelp

      I can identify with this. I told my mm on 3rd august it was over after he went on vacation with his wife. That was the final straw for me since he had only told me a couple of weeks previously how much he wanted to be with me, couldn’t bear to lose me and was going to sort his life out.

      Since this time he has gone through periods of sending me endless messages trying to get me back. It’s as if when they realise they have pushed you too far and risk losing you they suddenly want you more.
      I have noticed however that from all his messages there is not a single one that says ‘I’m sorry’. Nor is there a single one that says he intends to sort the situation with his wife. None. He just wants me back in my place where I was before.

      It’s hard sometimes because I had been starting to feel better but after a barrage of his messages I feel low again. I admit I replied to some of them but this was because I wanted him to know how angry I was, how much he humiliated me and how p*ssed off with this situation I am. It’s made me realise that recovery is not a linear process. Having Ups and downs is normal. What’s important is not caving in. I agree with Lara that it’s important to remember how crappy he has made you feel over the course of your relationship. I have had some serious lows in the last 5 years. The highs weren’t worth it. Because they weren’t really real.
      Sometimes it’s hard to admit to myself I wasted nearly 5 years waiting for a man who was never going to be mine. A man who wasn’t the perfect man I had made him out to be in my own head. Instead he’s a man that cheats and lies to his wife and has strung me along with false promises.

      What I need to do now is stop driving myself crazy trying to work out what is in his head and how he really feels because I will just never know. I also need stop listening to him when he says ‘you should have given me a bit longer’, ‘you didn’t trust me enough to wait ‘… Because I doubt I’m the only one on this site to have heard that. Its a ploy to sow that seed of doubt and make you wonder if you should have waited longer.

      It’s been 3 months now and I can see some positives. I no longer obsess about him on WhatsApp. I feel more appreciative of my family and friends. I feel I am starting to accept the idea of life without him. Im making plans for the future. I still can’t bear the thought of never speaking to him again but I’m sure I’ll get there. Just one day at a time. I’m trying to remember that although it may hurt some days at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel this way. Going back to him means no light. Only more hurt.

      Good luck to you all – I send you all virtual hugs ! X

  • Lara

    This site is really wonderful for all of us. I so love reading everyone’s words here. It brings me a great deal of comfort. I really have very little to add in general. I have told my story here already. “Thissitesavedmylife” really nailed it in turns of the physical and practical things that we can do (and need to do) when we are really ready to break it off. But we have to be ready. Working with someone who is an ex-affair partner (or having him work next door to your house…which is my case) makes it EXTRA hard.
    I broke it off for good Easter of this year but before that it was September of 2016 that I began to leave him…. (We had a bit of a “slip” over the holidays (Xmas 2016) but it was brief. He gave me a bigger gift than he had ever given me before and I accepted it. Then of course we had sex. But I still managed to pull away again but we were still communicating like we were still “together” via text/phone. I have known him for years and years….I am too embarassed to give the actual number…..we had an off again on again thing……Finally this spring I saw him walking hand in hand with his wife on my street in front of my house. I was like, “HUH????” That really did it for me. I never felt so pissed off and insulted and all that goes with it. I have made many breakups over the years with this guy (and I have dated other men) but this year I finally did it. Cut the cord with the man who was the love of my life. That is past tense now. WooHoo! I am finally sick of him and this whole never ending drama. So I blocked him went to therapy got anti-D’s and really I MADE IT! I cant believe it but I am STILL sick of him. He makes me ill and I am not attracted to him anymore. This is a first for me as in the past I would always go back to him. I had always thought he was my soulmate and my true love forever. But nope in fact he was married. DUHHHHH. However, unfortunately I still have to see him around as he works next door..(I mean I have a pretty good chance of walking out the door and he might be around with or without her or with friends…he is the restaurant business so there a lot of down time. Yesterday I was honestly thinking to move away (in my head) as this having him nearby thing makes this just really yucky for me. In fact I won my home 25 years and love my house and neighborhood. For his part he seems to act like he is just “fine”. Last night when I was walking home from an errand I saw him and his wife in his place of business. I crossed the street ahead of time to avoid him seeing me but he was practically hanging out the door to give me a big wave anyhow (like we are just old , good neighborhood friends) with his wife standing at his side. UGH. It was so bizarre. I found it balls-ie to be honest. How the hell can he pretend like I am just his old friend? I couldnt figure out why he was acting that way. Why not just ignore me as usual? Or run inside in the opposite direction like usual? I thought to myself “Is it because he is so well adjusted after me leaving the long term affair that we had that now he can casually wave to me with his wife standing right next to him?” “Or is he trying to make me feel really badly I gave him up and now look he is back with here?” Who the hell knows. These games make the proximity to these guys so hard. Working together after an must be even worse because your paycheck and career are on the line! Oh what sticky spiderwebs we weave with these men, often so seemingly unable to stop ourselves before we are too far gone.
    And oh I have paid the price a heavy heavy price. But I continue to be so sick of him and so sick of the whole thing that I have not gotten sucked in again. Hurrah! And I feel SO MUCH BETTER better than I though I ever would without him! ( I am single and in my late 50’s) Dont’t be afraid to get up and walk away ladies! If I can do it anyone can, I swear. Sending hugs and courage, L.

  • Imisshim

    I cannot believe how many women are in the same boat as I was/am. I am in tears reading through your stories, how could we let ourselves be in this situation?!! I was in a broken marriage when I met my MM online, we started out saying to each other that we’d see how things go, but no intentions to change anyone’s situation. Well my marriage came to the breaking point, irrespective of the MM and I got a divorced. I wanted to know for sure in my heart that I was leaving the marriage for my own good, and not for a rebound relationship, so I broke up with MM before asking for a divorce. The day we broke up, we confessed love to each other and cried like babies.. Well we couldn’t stand NC for even a day and we started talking and seeing each other again. He’s a sweet and kind to everyone, and we clicked so well from day one of talking to each other… We both couldn’t believe how fast we fell in love with each other, and it just got deeper by the day…He even tried to learn my language and would attempt to talk to me with his awkward pronunciation. It melted my heart how sweet and caring he was. Naturally, the more I love him, I started to get jealous of his wife. I could feel my heart in pain when he didn’t respond to my texts until late at night, or he would say he fell asleep.. my imagination got the best of me and I cried myself to sleep more frequently. He told me they’re grown apart from each other over time, and they’ve been together for a very long time already, but somehow they went with the marriage and just had a baby when I met him. They thought having kid would fiz the marriage but it didn’t work out that way. Regardless, I could not bear the pain and jealousy I felt everyday, so I ended with him last week. It’s been a week of NC and I feel like I’m dying inside.. I cry everyday thinking of him on my long commute to work.. I still remember his words the day we broke up, how he wanted to go everywhere together, to have me meet his fam and friends, and to meet my family.. We both cried hard the whole time. I know its hard for him bc his baby is still very small, and I do know and feel in my heart that he loves me.. I love him dearly and never met someone I could connect so well emotionally, intellectually, and physically. I’m hurt so much and I’m crying as I’m writing this, I know it’s the right thing for me to do, but god, this is killing me.. I miss him so much!! I will continue to follow this blog to stay strong, and to support all of you! Ladies, let’s create our own happiness instead of waiting for a committed man to make you happy! I hope all of us will find our own happiness and peace in our heart very soon.

  • Maria

    Knew MM for two years before anything happened. Had secret crush on him. Then we agreed to have sex and after that I fell head over heels for him. I’m divorced for four years, two teenage kids. He’s 10 years younger than I am and when our affair started his baby was one month old and the other one three years old. I’m 45 and he’s 36. The sex was amazing, I had never had such amazing sex before. My body was constantly happy. He was always very sweet, hugged me so much,couldn’t stop looking at my naked body, always told me he had never felt a connection like this with anyone before and had never had sex like he does with me. We spoke for hours on end about everything. He took me out publicly, held hands and kissed me in public. A couple of times we went out and did things that were new to me. I loved every experience and felt young and great to be with him. I took all this for love. It has been 11 months. I broke it off after 5 months because he made his whatsapp profile pic of the four of them. I couldn’t bear to see the wife in the pic even though he wasn’t even hugging her. I told him that I loved him but couldn’t handle it. He cried in front of me that day. A month later he called me on Mother’s Day to congratulate me and 5 days later I called him and told him I wanted to be back with him. Every time I’ve been with him has been absolutely amazing. But there are several things now that I haven’t liked. He makes plans with me to do stuff that I’ll enjoy but doesn’t set a date. The last straw was last week when we went out to dinner but he asked me to drive cause his truck was out of fuel. I drove and he paid for dinner and drinks but I felt really disappointed because now he didn’t want to pay for gas money to go out with me. I feel like he wants to spend the least amount of money possible to be with me. In the almost one year that our affair has lasted he’s only given me two low-cost gifts. He wrote me on Thursday saying that he’s helping a friend out with a difficult situation (friend’s getting divorced) and hasn’t been able to see me. He said he is dying to be with me, to hold me and to speak for hours like we always do. He said he really hasn’t been able to and that he feels anguish to not be able to see me. For the first time ever I didn’t respond his message. I have loved him so much during this year but I want to value myself more. It’s not like he was ever mine – I think it was more the idea of him in my head. He will never leave his wife and even if he did I’m not interested in being with some cheapskate. I have $$. I never ever paid for anything but didn’t like the incident of his truck with no fuel.

    I wrote all the above three weeks ago but never posted it….

    NC now for three weeks. I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. I don’t think he’ll try to make contact and I know I certainly won’t because now I’m putting myself first. I just don’t understand why I still feel so attracted to him??? Sex was amazing but for the year our affair lasted he was always very stingy, no presents, no surprises. He always listened to me and he was always very in tune with me during sex. He always made sure that I was satisfied and that I would come. I hadn’t been treated like this before during sex. The time spent with him was my high. But that was really it. I miss him so much and I don’t understand why as he was never really there for me. We only met up about twice a month – usually sex was involved and the whole time spent with him was amazing. The rest of the time was not very happy for me – waiting for him to text me or call me, waiting for him to set our next date together. Always waiting and getting really excited when I knew I would see him. I know I deserve someone who will be there for me ALL the time, not just twice a month… and I still can’t stop thinking about MM. He called my BF last week (I met him through her and they’re still friends). He told her he bought new car and would have liked to show it to me. When she told me this I felt happy because he missed me – but I also think about what you ladies have written that we just get to listen to all their success stories but their successes are not for us, they are for his wife and his children. And here I sit thinking how he was stingy when it came to me, he told me he didn’t have any money – but just two weeks after NC he went and bought himself a new car. And after all this…please someone tell me why I still miss him so terribly.

    • Nomad

      Hi Maria,
      NC 4 days, I restarted after the hundredth time and each time thinking that I’ll be successful after 17 mths. This time could be because I got him to block me and deleted my no instead of me dogging it but failed each time after he found ways to sneak back yet didn’t treasure me, gave me crumbs despite me telling him explicitly I’m giving us another try, please don’t waste me. His excuse was busy and stressful at work. I retorted if it’s not work, it’s always his growing guilt, holding him back from texting me, meeting me after office hours. No more affection and attention.

      My story is very much similar to yours as in “Sex was amazing, eager to satisfy me…stingy, I paid for meals and he paid for room, rarely any present and surprises except 1 song he wrote on my birthday, hadn’t been treated like this before during sex. Same here, I miss him so much and I don’t understand why as he was never really there for me. We only met up about twice a month – usually for biological needs. The rest of the time was not very happy for me – waiting for him to text me or call me, waiting for him to set our next date together. Always waiting and getting really excited when I knew I would see him. Otherwise, insomnia, jealousy and insecurities will attack me.

      Last straw was, he buried himself into work, was fine when we didn’t meet or connect for 1wk, he said that’s his way of managing guilt. I blew up! He then met me. Even in the room, he didn’t want to enter me due to the guilt that it’s a wkday and he needed to help with chores and kids. But chores and
      Kids had always been there since day1. If he’s sick of me, then be a man, let go and break up clean.

      I was devastated when I saw his work calendar that he 2 weeks leave in dec, going overseas with family. I waited fir him to tell me, he didn’t. I asked him and he said it’s the annual getaway and bond with kids. This happened last dec too but back then he would bother to assure me and he was anxious abt my feelings and would text me whenever there WiFi, even text me in toilet. But after he returned, he was cold towards me and things started to dwindle. He explained it was guilt and he enjoyed his family time so much that he’s afraid of losing them. This time, he nonchalantly admitted that he evolved and wanted to fully immerse in the time spent with family , sort of setting my expectations that he would cast me aside. I was further stabbed when I learnt that he had to clear 4 days of leave but he has no intention to plan it for me and with me. So what’s there left when we aren’t texting, lunching , busy during office hours, no plans to meet??!

      So last sat, I told him not to torture me anymore, if it’s not busy, it’s guilt, it’ll never be me. Don’t come back just to starve me and throw me crumbs, lesser and lesser. Why haven’t I grown sick of him? I told him I felt used like a convenience store, how could he have the heart to hurt me like this? To see me living in misery, neglecting my own family and not functioning at work at home. I cried and he saw. He he then agreed that he will help and end it. He admitted he was greedy and selfish and addicted. But it’s never a question of choosing between kids and me, I’m far from being a piece of jigsaw to complete his life. He assumed the rule of our game is implicit.

      Will I be able to let go And move on from here? I’ve no confidence.

      • Lara

        Nomad I know how you feel, I really do unfortunately.
        The only way you can ever move on from something like this is is when you have had enough of this treatment. I think we all might have to reach some sort of bottom with what is really really awful behavior towards us on the part of these guys. Think about addiction and what it takes for people to finally want to stop drinking using etc. They have to reach a bottom first. One of the always I helped myself was I started journaling my feelings toward him even when I was still with him. And I wrote down what REALLY happened. That way he could not whitewash the truth like he is so very good at doing. And I wrote down all my horrible dreams. I still have all this stuff on my computer, the fights and break ups and the bad stuff is all down in words. I force myself whenever I have a momentary longing to go back to him, to read my words and I am astounded at how badly I let him treat me. I really punished myself over adn over again trying to stay with him and always patch things up. The question is why did I do that? When I finally got a view of what I was allowing to happen to ME I was so ashamed I could do this to my won self. I decided I could no longer put him number one in my life. I had to put ME number one in my life. Get a pretty picture of yourself when you were little and tape it on your bathroom mirror and look at it a LOT and ask yourself, did this beautiful girl ever deserve all crappy treatment? Ask yourself: When did it become okay for her to absorb all this pain and drama from a disloyal and still married man? This might help. I can say it does help me.

        • Nomad

          Hi Lara,
          Hugs….I thought I’ve hit the rock bottom and hysterically drove him out of my life, warned him don’t try to contact me ever, avoid me as much as possible at work, don’t call my desk line which is the only thing I couldn’t block, don’t ever use me like a convenience store, don’t bother to manage guilt when sex ain’t worth that risk and mental torture, just quit the addiction for good, reborn and get rid of all guilt, especially when wife knows nothing yet!

          After one week of absolute zero contact, this time he actually gave up! I should be celebrating my freedom and excited to compensate my time wasted on him. I wrote down all the negatives about him to remind myself, including the lies he told, playing me out on dates because of guilt, half hearted and reduced connection because of guilt, started to make up to his wife, even planning to take leave to celebrate her birthday which he didn’t do before the affair, resentment towards her was dissolved by the guilt I’ve planted in him, making attempts to show concerns and hold her hand, relieving her from chores etc.

          I began to obsess over his life with her. What were they doing? Where were they going? Was he having more fun with her than with me? What was so great about her anyway? Has he made love to her yet? That’s why he no longer needs me? Is he relieved to have gotten rid of me so that he’s peaceful and resolved? All these thoughts are driving me crazy. I’m in denial, the truth is that I still bear hope!!! Then next moment I could rationally thank him for being so cooperative this time by stop coming back.

          This is not right, I miss him much more after 7 days of nc…

    • Lara

      Hi Maria
      I so related to what you said about the money. My guy was like that too. But always buying presents for his wife to keep her happy! I used to think it was because he felt so guilty about cheating on her but the truth was he was treating me like the “unnecessary expense” one. Stingy. UGH. It make you feel awful right? I really get that part. You ask why you miss him? Well the sex sounds great so I take it you miss him because sex like that produces powerful chemicals in our bodies! Sex feels like a high and when it is gone we have to expect that we are going to miss it. Affair sex is almost always passionate, magical, intense, all-in, etc….read all the stories here. It is a big reason we get involved and then stay involved with unavailable people in the first place…because we love how it feels to be with them! And next we equate those feelings with the real deal: LOVE! But too often we have been duped. These men have been extra sure to make us happy sexually because they know they are not giving us much of anything else. And we grovel for the other (tiny) gifts that come our way. But they never plan to really take care of us in the ways that count the most: emotionally and psychologically. They often stay with us because we are fairly cheap and steady great sex when you think about it! They are not stupid. But we are! But we can get OUT and stay OUT! Then we have the final power back in our hands. 🙂

  • Holly

    I’m not young but young when it comes to technology I’m antiquit . I’m 35 and pretty computer illiterate. I have been reading these comments for a awhile now and they are so inspiring, i want to be a part of his blog.I’m in counseling and taking antidepressants. I really am trying.
    i am a really open person, so people say. i wait to break down and struggle so i can’t cause more pain with my situation in private.

  • Felk

    I feel at such a loss and am looking for any words of wisdom from any other ladies on here. My MM and I were together for almost 5 years. I am married, too. My MM and I work together. He ended it about a month ago, after making it clear that it was just too hard to keep separating our relationship from his marriage (and kids). Neither one of us ever promised to leave our spouses. We talked vaguely of hope that, one day, we might be together, just us, but I don’t think either one of us ever expected that. So, it’s not that I feel he broke any promises. I mostly understand that it simply got too hard for him to maintain the lies and guilt. And he also said that it was simply feeling too awful, every day, being apart from me and not being able to be together (and it was affecting him at home and hurting his marriage). How can I blame him for not wanting to ruin his marriage? I was trying not to ruin mine, too. When our affair started, we were both happy in our marriages. But, of course, over time, we grew closer and closer where we started to pull away from our spouses. He started wanting more and more with us. I wanted that, too. And this is what became unbearable for him. He said he started feeling a constant tension at home. He started feeling like he didn’t want to leave me to go do things with his kids. And then he started feeling terrible for feeling that. I don’t blame him for not wanting to endure that, and I can only respect him for choosing his family. I would have loved for him to be able to keep “dating” me, but I believe him when he said he was worn out. That it just wasn’t working for him anymore. Problem is… it was still working for me. When he ended it a month ago, he was clear that he was still in love with me. He was also clear that he still thought I was better for him than his wife, but he simply did not want the difficulty of maintaining an affair anymore. So, how do I get over him? I haven’t ripped the bandaid off. He’s doing much better than I with reducing contact (although I’ve reduced contact, too). In the month since the break-up, we’ve spent some time alone together talking about it all and then some time alone together hanging out trying to enjoy our friendship. During those times, I think it will all be okay, but then the next day, when I realize, once again, we are over and I don’t know when I’ll get alone time with him again, it is misery. I spend almost all day every day thinking about him, wondering how we can get back to the friendship we had (before the affair started), and wondering if he misses me as much as I miss him. I ache nearly all day. I want to try to refocus on my marriage (and my husband is great), but I feel overwhelmed with sadness and like I have no space for anything else right now. I want to try to reduce contact even more (although I can’t make it zero since we work together), but I miss him so much and I find it hard to not find ways to talk to him here and there at work, just to make myself feel better for just a moment. I know I need to get over him. I know I need to stop hoping he will beg me to come back to him. I just don’t know how to do it. Help.

    • Thissitesavedmylife

      Hi, I read your story and felt the need to write. Mine too is at work which makes the no contact rule not quite so straightforward. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Remember this too shall pass. Perhaps look at this at this as a learning experience. Growth often does not come without pain. What have you learned about yourself here? Do you need to work on self-love and self-esteem? What’s happening at home that needs your energy? How can you improve your current relationship? Here is my advice and what I’m currently doing to move on forever. Resolve to look forward and let go. No convos, IM, email, phone calls, coffee, texts, alone time outside of professional subject matter with this man. If he tries to be friendly be polite but firm. Wish him a great day and tell him you can’t talk and appreciate him honoring your wishes. Treat this like an addiction. You can’t have a little of a drug bc it’s an all or nothing proposition. Either you’re using or you’re not. Very rarely do I believe in black and white but here is the exception. Do not go back bc you will have to start this process all over again. Pray, meditate, use positive affirmations, go to therapy, work on self-improvement. Invest your time and attention into your current relationship and family. Do not lean on him for comfort. Think of his wife and family. They deserve 100% of his love and you’re giving them such a wonderful gift by leaving him alone. Be honest with yourself. You can’t be friends and while that’s a painful pill to swallow, it’s the reality. You are giving yourself the best gift of all. There is no future here. It’s all fantasy and happiness is wanting what you have. Happiness is reality and not fantasy. This is just fantasy. One day at a time. We can all conquer this mess.

      • Felk

        Appreciate the responses. You say wise things about recognizing that his choice (to go back to his family) was good and that I cannot fault him for wanting to give them 100%. And I don’t. I take comfort in knowing that he made a choice that put his kids first. I miss him and us, but he was becoming miserable trying to separate his two lives and it was impacting his family (and our relationship). I think about how it’s mainly women on here writing about the difficulty we’ve had in ending our relationships with MM, but I figure he’s feeling a lot of the same things we’re writing about here. I’m not saying every situation on here is like mine, but it’s not just wishful thinking to believe that our MM are caring, loving people (just like us) who made a bad decision to cheat and then got swept up in it all, too. Just as we found it hard to quit our MM, they found it hard to quit us. My MM made a hard decision (to end us). We had five darn good years, and, sure, he was selfish and unfair to his wife and family. I’m not saying he’s a saint. But I’m not either. I made selfish choices and was unfair to my husband as well. I don’t know if it will help others, but it has helped me to see this all from his perspective, too.

        It’s now been just over a month since we ended our affair. I’m feeling a lot better. It’s still not great, as you all know. I’m still sad, and I still miss him and us. But it’s no longer overwhelming me. I’m no longer consumed about what is no longer. I have moments (okay, hours) where I’m distracted by what used to be, but it is no longer all day long. What’s helped me is to think about what I do have (my husband and my marriage), and to write about it. Writing about what’s good in my marriage and with my husband has helped distract me from my ex. I’ve also started trying to (very slowly) build closeness with my husband again. It’s been helpful to focus on something other than my ex. It’s helped me to think about what wasn’t working in my affair and recognize why he ended it. And if you’re honest with yourself, you know what the problems were and why it didn’t work. Write them down. Read it to yourself over and over. You didn’t work for a reason. And it was helpful to put some distance between us. Immediately after the break up, we were trying to be normal. We still had lunch or went for drinks, and that made it worse for sure. I wasn’t ready (and he wasn’t ready), and, while it felt good when we were together, when we parted it just made it harder (to accept it was really over). So, we went a week with none of that (and very low contact). That helped a lot. And, yes, it’s helped to know that he and I are still friends. I know that doesn’t work for most people, but he and I work together, and we started as good friends and I can’t imagine not being friends with him (and it seems he feels the same way). I really don’t want to make it sound easy. I struggled this morning at work, knowing I would see him and not be able to go to him as I used to. But, as best I could, I tried to not think about what he was doing and whether he was thinking about me and all those other dangerous thoughts. I just did my work and thought about going home to my husband and other things I wanted to do tonight. And it worked (well enough).

          • Felk

            Hey Nomad, I really don’t know if he’ll come back to me. It’s honest to say I still think about (and want) that, but it’s also honest to say that I don’t expect it. I trust that he meant it when he ended our relationship. I know that he needed to end it. You ask how he could bear to let go, but he’s doing it for his family. And he’s doing it for himself. Being together five years, obviously we grew very close, and I know our relationship was affecting his marriage. I think it got to a point for him that if he and I couldn’t be together, he couldn’t keep feeling miserable at home about us not being together. It was hurting his family. So, how could he bear to let go? I know he struggled and he’s still struggling. Just a few weeks ago (and the last time we talked about “us”), he told me that he still feels it every day. I think it will be hard for both of us for a while. But, I have to trust that he ended our relationship because that was the best decision for him. So, will he come back to me? It’s possible I guess, but I’m not going to try to make that happen. I’m going to try to give us the distance and space we need right now. As you know, he and I are still friends (and we work together) so it’s rough to give as much space as we need, but we’re managing and time is healing. Some days are harder than others, but I can feel myself moving on and being okay with it all slowly. It is so very hard to simply wait for time to heal, but it will. Especially if you give yourself that space, if you recognize why your relationship ended, and if you start to focus on other things (whether that’s yourself, your friends, your family, or new relationships).

    • Screwloose

      I think we can all agree it’s not easy . All of us have similar yet different stories . The one thing that I have noticed in each story is it appears to be easier for the men to move on. My situation is only similar to yours in the way we were both married. Yours you know loved you mine I want to believe he did but I also believe there is many more now and mine was abusive verbally at the end. Everything I have read says to move on you need to cut off all contact. Does that help. Probaly. I still cry , wonder and question every day but I’m forced to move on. I’m not sure how you are gonna move on while seeing him everyday. I think these situations change us forever. What I’ve started trying to do is look inside myself and figure out why I felt I did this . What I need to change in me to move on. Like you my husband is great too. I was alway plaqued with guilt yet my need for the other was so strong. Besides the fact that. My MM won’t talk to me anymore what I focus on is the pain. I don’t want my husband and kids to feel this kind of pain which they would if I got caught or left. I pray a lot too. For strength and forgiveness.

  • Kris

    Dear Laurie,

    I’m so grateful that i found your website with all those beautiful tipps, thank you so much for those beautiful words it really helped me to see things more positive. God bless you.

    Maybe it’s not important but i would like to write here about my story that hurts me in the last months… i never wrote comments but here i will. So the last two years i was in my free time with a guy and it was the frist time i felt like someone is like me… even if our life’s are so different. But i felt a deep connection, it’s the first time i had a friend ( he was like a friend plus) we had the same religion and first time i find for myself out how much It means and was connecting us.

    So i spend two years with this guy and our relationship was like that between a girl and boyfriend but he told me once that we can’t be together because he’s that one i need in my life.. ( I’m a really young mother of a son) but we didn’t stop going on that way… i was in hope and thought this was something so great and i felt so much love for him like i never did for a man. He was like my best friend and lover and i thought he knows that it’s something so good we had.

    And then was a time he was really busy because of work and we couldn’t see us. So when he was free he went to visit his mum or brother (they live in another city) and i was like always why you don’t have time for me… and then he said we can’t go on like this he likes me so much and I’m very important for him, but he won’t be forever in my city and we should stay normal friends. That was really hard for me but the hardest was when he was in nyc for a short time (2weeks because of work) and posted some new pics on the internet with a new girl. I think he’s in love with her now i could see it in the pic…( he wanted always to move to nyc). I’m asking myself how things can change so far… once i was that one he was crazy for, he was Often talking about future and us and then it was so easy for him to find someone new to fell in love with… since I’ve seen this pic i didn’t contact him anymore it’s like he’s gone (ok after 2 months i was writing him but just to know how he is). He wanted to be my friend but not in that way he was and i couldn’t play that one for him because i could never see him just as a friend. I miss him and those times but i hope god has planned something better for me.

    In love K.

    • Michelle

      Hi,
      I’m new to this. I feel like I’m dying and really need someone to talk to who understands what I’m going through. I Became involved with a MM that I work with a couple months ago. I know I should have just walked away when he told me he was married, which is what I tried to do but he just kept pursuing me. I was vulnerable and very lonely and I’m sure he could sense that so it was easy for him to get what he wanted from me. We started out as ‘friends’ but it quickly became much more and now I’m extremely hurt and alone again. Not knowing what to do. I still have to work with this man. We both just started with the company. This is so messed up.

      • Thissitesavedmylife

        Hi Michelle
        I too work with my mm. I’m sorry, I actually report to him so you can imagine how that complicates matters. You have only been involved for a couple months so please please please spare yourself and walk away now. I too accepted the flirting bc I was lonely, hadn’t felt such strong chemistry in awhile and felt vulnerable due to emptiness inside. I suspect a lot of us ladies are feeling empty hence we enter into relationships that mirror what we feel on the inside. Damn that self-fulfilling prophecy. Your relationship is new and you haven’t become too emotionally attached (just an assumption based on length of time together). You’ll only feel lonelier and more hurt than you felt before he came into your life romantically. I would tell him you met someone and you want to give this new relationship 100% of your attention. Lie and spare yourself any further pain. I tried to get out numerous times but never used an airtight reason. If you try to rationalize and use your moral compass as an out they’ll just manipulate you into coming back. Mine used every trick in the book and it worked sadly. Time is precious and now you’ve gotten a taste of the burn. It’ll only get worse. Don’t be fooled by the honeymoon phase. Go out and date and work on yourself. Although I wish I had never started this tryst I will say I’ve made some really positive changes in my life. Eliminating the affair is the last big positive change on my goal list in the near future. Of course self-improvement is a path and not a destination. I’ve reached the year mark with my mm and have to draw a line in the sand. I wish you all the best! Please read as many stories on this site as you can. We all tell the same story with slight nuances. Sadly, what is helping me to stay strong is the thought of him not having his emotional support system (i.e. me) around anymore.

  • Aria

    Hi

    One year a go I cut my relationship with my married man and I was so Brocken so sad and depressed. I was shaterd and I spend my days crying, wishing for death to free me from all the pain and sorrow I was going through. I wrote here and talk to others and I was wondering why there isn’t any of us who wrote about her success after those days to be a hope for others cause I couldn’t believe good days will come so I said to my self I will be that one. And now I’m here promising you it will pass. Yes. Slowly and full of pain but you will be fine again you will find love. Don’t give up on your desicion.

    • ImFinallyDone

      Thank you for this aria…trust me I believe it will get better!! I think I finally reached the point where I don’t wanna speak to him ever again..I wanted to be his friend…but it’s not working the way I thought it would…

    • Screwloose

      Aria you are right I have not seen really much saying all is better. It has been only a month for me after many months of going a week, then two . Idk finally something clicked in me . I honestly don’t want anything to do with him. I can listen to our song without crying which was impossible before. I think what helped me was a male friend told me I was a game he is done also he don’t care and nothing I said or did would change that. I read that over and over day after day and started looking back at our relationship and thought maybe that is what it was . A game to him I know he lied about his marriage . So yes it does get better and believe me when I say I cried everyday day for months . There were days I thought I was never gonna get through this . And I did . I don’t want to be his friend . I don’t want to talk to him . I don’t wish bad on him. I just don’t want anything to do with him. I deserve better. It feels like that relationship never was.so stay strong you will get through but it isn’t easy.

  • Needhelp

    So it’s now 55 days of nc and some other thoughts have been on my mind today…
    After 4 1/2 years i have never seen my mm on my birthday. He’s sent me flowers but not wrote a card obviously… I’ve never seen him on his birthday either. Nor have I seen him at Christmas or any other special occassion.

    I’ve never been away anywhere with him. I’ve spent two nights with him in 4 1/2 years.

    I’ve not met any of his family or friends. He has not met mine.

    He’s been to my house but not for more than 3 hours or so at a time. I’ve never been to his house obviously.

    Do we even know each other?

    We have no relationship. It’s all fantasy, BS, call it what you want… Speaking on the phone and texting is NOT a relationship.

    If I were in a situation where I was married and seeing a single guy, would I expect him to hang around for 4 1/2 years whilst I stayed with my husband.. ? Making promises about leaving that never amounted to anything? Never seeing him on his birthday? Would I expect him to be ok with me going on vacation with my husband every year while he stayed at home on his own? Would I have any respect for that man??? I don’t think I would…

    How would I feel if he stood up to me and told me he had had enough of my false promises and that he deserved to be treated better and not to contact him again whilst ever I was still in a relationship with someone else? I’d probably respect him more. I’d probably think I’d just let a good man slip through my fingers….

    • Thissitesavedmylife

      Excellent points! I’m writing this down in my journal and will return to it when I feel weak. How can we expect to garner respect when we’re not respecting ourselves by staying true to what we need and deserve? This is awesome and I truly appreciate every beautiful, remarkable women that has posted on this site. You have saved more people than you realize.

    • Imisshimstill

      Wow… eye opening points you made! I will keep referring back to them to help me stay strong through my NC period and healing process.. thank you so much!!

  • Needhelp

    After 53 days of nc on my side something else has occurred to me: how would I have felt if he had left his wife for me?
    Actually not great… As much as I wanted him, if I am truly honest with myself I think I would have had an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. That feeling that tells you you can’t really trust him. I know what he is capable of because he has cheated on his wife for over 4 years with me. Do I really think that was a one off which he would never repeat again? Probably not… As much as I’d like to think we had something special i know it would have always been there in the back of my mind. And these things have a habit of eating into you.
    These relationships are just poisonous whichever way they go. Better to get out now. I’m sick to death of his disfunctional relationships and no longer want the drama, highs and crashing lows of it all. I honestly think he has no comprehension of how badly he has hurt me and messed with my head. But that’s because his own head is too far up his own a*s. ..!

    • Screwloose

      Those exact feelings were cause of many argument so with me and my MM. Initially I trusted him completley believed everything he said . He loves me .Doesnt touch his wife until one day I was looking at comments on his face book and there was someone new. He had been traveling with work and it was a bartender from the restaurant he ate at a lot. He said all they did was talk . Idk about you all but I just don’t become Facebook friends with random people. That’s when all the mistrust started and all the arguing . That is was a year ago. I just never trusted him after that . He even unfriended me on FB because he said I was to jealous of innocent comments. Well when your the other woman you know mostly the comments aren’t innocent. I have had random contact with him over the last past 3 months . Mostly me crying and asking why he has become so mean and what happened to the guy he was with me. I finally blocked him 2 weeks ago. Best thing I did for my healing is tell my mom. She points out lots of things to me. Reading these helps to knowing I’m not alone. And I stopped looking at his pictures on line. Today was actually the first day in 3 months I haven’t cried. Hopefully I can continue to heal and learn from this . And all of you do too

      • ImFinallyDone

        I hope he gets caught….it’s unfair for them to move on…and we sit here in pain….I hate this strong hold they have on us….you should send those messages you saw on FB to his wife…

  • InWaiting

    Hi ladies,
    All your stories are so relevant to my own. I was wondering about one thing. I am not sure why sex is so good with a MM, is it because it’s a high-and-down relationship, so you get a better release in bed? And I am curious if any of you tried to have only a sexual relationship with your MM? For example meet sometimes just for the physical pleasure and nothing else. Would this work? (I am thinking about myself, not sure if I would like to go that direction. Any advices are welcome).

    • NeverAgain

      Unfortunately for me, I have to have an emotional connection with someone before I can have sex with him. This is why when we first started seeing each other it was fun. We knew each other, same friends, etc. so knowing him and his quirks was fun, he was one of those guys that can always make you laugh so hard you’re crying. For example, he was the kid in school that could get you in trouble. But it got carried away when after about 8-9 months we were on this outing and he ended up coming back to my place-I had a house and no one, so it was easy, especially for him. OMG! The sex!! I couldn’t get enough! I felt I was reborn. So, no not for me. I always hated that term “Friends with benefits”….also he gets the benefits and you are left feeling miserable after he goes home to wifey. How many times have you cried after he left? Now I’d rather have a toy and not the heartache.

      • InWaiting

        Thank you NeverAgain for your input. Yes, I am the same way, I can only have sex when I have feelings for a man. Specially great sex. And I was thinking that even I do have feelings for MM, maybe I can somehow treat it just for my own pleasure? I am not sure if it’s doable though… It’s just tough to be alone and it may take long time before I meet someone and develop feelings for him. Maybe I can train my brain to just have a great time with the MM and nothing else?

  • NeverAgain!

    Hi everyone,
    Well my MM and I were acquaintances for quite a while when he started working with me. At 1st I thought he was little goofy but then he came across as actually very charming (and really cute!) and I knew he was married but I convinced myself he was probaby unhappy. I thought we could just be friends but I didn’t realize it would turn into something like what I have read here on the forum, but it did like everybody else’s. I do have to say that I was part of the blame too. I’ve been cheated on 2 times in my life so I kept telling myself that I didn’t know his wife and I never wanted to know anything about her so I couldn’t hurt her. But anyway as the years went on the tears flowed freely, no public displays of affection, no holidays with him, no vacations, no time with him with my family, 1000’s of breakups and NC, asking him why he wouldn’t end it. The tears and heartache. Friends and family thinking you’re crazy for giving your life up for a married man, it’s really very unhealthy.
    The unfortunate thing is that it went on for 10 years and that’s when I drew the line and finally told him that it was over. I had wasted 10 years of my life waiting for somebody to tell me what to do with mine. However I was pretty busy with my business to even notice…. I broke up with him well over a year ago and lucky for me I got sick at the time with breast cancer too. God’s cruelest punishment. So that was my way out of the relationship and my way of pushing him away. It took every ounce of my strength to not reach out to him. I told him that I did not want him to be subjected to what I was going through. He took that so well that I was shocked that he could walk away so easily.
    So now we’ve only been in touch through text and emails because of work (why is it always work related?!) but have seen each other 2 times once for lunch and the last time (2 months ago) was when we fell back into bed together again. I think I needed that because it showed me it truly was over.
    So he texts me today and says he misses me (uh huh…). I’m not feeling much for him anymore except sadness, so I look for some inspiration on the Internet to tell him that it’s truly over. And I find this wonderful forum! So I told him “I do miss you too or miss what we had but I think it’s done. Taken a long time but we knew all along what it was…” I have a wealth of information on how to get through it and yes it does take a lot of alcohol, tears and friends who will listen!
    Anyway, thanks for letting me purge. I’ve been on here for over 4 hours reading posts. Good luck to you all!

    • Feeling Lost

      It’s been 5 months since I’ve heard from him and I still feel pain every day! His wife was dx with breast cancer and he said he had to end it because the guilt was too much and her cancer brought things into perspective for him. We are no longer friends on any social media. Reading your post helped me today. Thank you. We were together for nine years and he said two months before she found out she had cancer that we would never be apart. I, too, am married so very few people know and I have minimal support to help me through this.

      I won’t sugar coat it at all…the last 5 months have been incredibly difficult and painful. Every single day, I feel pain! But this forum has helped a lot. Thanks again for sharing your experience.

      • J

        Feeling lost,
        I can feel your pain. My mm’s wife was also diagnosed with breast cancer. He said he still couldn’t let me go because he loves me too much. Told me that when she’s recovered he’s leaving her. But then the guilt got to him and he said he’s not sure he can ever leave her now, even though he acknowledges that he’s in love with me. We still haven’t broken things off. I try to distance myself but then I miss him so much it kills me. His moods constantly fluctuate, he needs me he says. He says he can’t let me go. But our time has become so limited. It’s horrible for me. I really love him but think I’ve reached my limit. Today he said that now that her radiation is finishing he needs to help her get healthy. Even more time away from me. I just don’t think I can handle anymore. It’s a terrible terrible awful situation. I’m tortured with him but I’m tortured without him too. No win. I wish I knew then what I know now. I need help to get through this but I can’t talk to anyone.

  • J

    I’ve been reading everyone’s comments and they definitely help me everyday. I’m at that point where I’m asking myself what is really in this for me? It’s not enjoyable anymore, it’s actually horrible. Completely horrible. The time we used to spend together has almost vanished all but the few crumbs he throws at me when he instinctively can tell how tired I am of it all. The man he used to be who would do anything for me and take risks for me is gone too. We can’t do anything. And I’m supposed to sit around waiting for him to come home from the beach or kayaking or his anniversary dinner??? All for what? I’m not getting anything. He’s the only one gaining because he has me when he wants and he’s a loving husband too. I’m on the losing end no matter what, and I’m young and could get someone else if I wanted. I don’t even know if I love him anymore. The constant hurt had made me turn cold to him.

    • NeverAgain!

      Hi J, yes it does get mundane after awhile. What do they say about insanity? The definition is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. That’s us to a T! I am on the other side of that relationship but I’m still alone and single So I can’t say I’m happy-happier than before tho. But at least I’m not waiting for him to give me a call or text and a crumb. Good luck and hang in there and do everything you can to run, RUN as fast as you can to get away!!

    • Needhelp

      Hi J,
      No you are definitely not supposed to sit around waiting for him whilst he gets on with his life. This is the thing with MM, they want it both ways and they seem to have a talent for making us feel bad or guilty if we dont let them get it!
      It’s been 53 days of nc for me now and what I have realised in that time is my MM has been doing exactly that – having it both ways for the 4+ years we have been seeing each other. Saying he wants to be with me and then giving me some ‘poor me’ story about why it is sooo hard for him and he is in SUCH a difficult position blah blah blah. It’s all BS at the end of the day. He will still be with his wife now even though he has texted and called me a few times (to which I’ve managed to not reply). He’s just trying to lure me back in. Well I’m not going there again. It’s true that if you keep doing the same thing you will always get the same outcome. Being understanding of his so-called situation has got me no where. As much as I sometimes feel lonely I know I am better off on my own. At least I am giving myself the possibility of meeting a decent man in the future instead of wasting my time having the life sucked out of me by a man who truly does not deserve me. I’ve realised I am too good for him. It’s quite funny really when I think of all the time I’ve wasted desperately wanting him to pick me and being so incredibly jealous of his wife because she has got what I want. Why??? The man is nothing but a convincing liar and a cheat. I deserve so much better than that. So do you. So do all of us.
      It’s hard sometimes but I need to keep going to get through this. I look forward to the day I can look back on this whole sorry mess and think ‘wtf was I thinking?!!!!’ xxx

  • Hurt

    So i comment a long time ago but things got “better” but now need to end it for good. The short story, we were friends in highschool, then reconnected later. We were just friends for 2 years he tried to kiss me,I turned away but then it started. He had been married for 5 years. It was casual still friends but some benefits. His wife got pregnant after trying for a few years though the 8th IUI he had always said i hope it does not work and with all the IUI thought it never would. Well it worked and that was the first time I went NC, I was feeling better after 2 weeks but of course he contacted me :(. We started again slowly more friends this time with a bit of on the side stuff but not like before and I was good with that. Well the Baby came and I know I need to end this. He says he will make time for me but i know it needs to end. H never expressed love openly about his Wife but now I see it in his face on the pictures of the baby. I need to go no contact but also feel I dont want to hurt his feelings. So I still dont have his number in my phone from last NC but he has texted me so its there need strength to delete it. I am sad I have to do this he is a friend I have a shoulder to cry on and has helped me through a lot. I wish that my first reaction to that kiss so long ago was what I did and then my heart would npt be breaking. Please help me with the strength to get away!!!

    • Lara

      Hurt, RUN don’t walk away from this. It is toxic for you. Read the stories here. No matter what your feelings are, “love” is never enough when there is a wife involved and now a baby! You will only fall down lower and lower in this situation. It is life-sucking and utterly depressing to be a mistress. Take care of YOU number one! Sendng hugs, L.

      • NeverAgain!

        I agree with Lara! Leave and don’t look back! As hard as it is it does get better! My MM had grown children and grandchildren and still would not leave his. You are better than this, remember that!

        • Hurt

          Thank you both. I just need to keep telling my self get away. This last week has been easier then most. He has contacted me a few times but i just don’t reply and he is so pre occupied with his other life that he has not contacted me as much as normal and I have no desire to contact him I am strong!! and I can do this for me!!!

      • Feeling Lost

        Lara,
        You said it better than anyone else can….it is life-sucking and utterly depressing to be a mistress. The highs are always great but only last a short period of time. Then you’re left alone and full of pain. Five months since we’ve spoken. Although I still feel pain every day, I am getting stronger. Anyone thinking of getting mixed up in an affair needs to RUN before they lose themselves to a painfully hopeless situation!!!