How long have you been struggling with – or avoiding – your relationship problems? These solutions to even the worst difficulties in your relationship will help you move forward, grow, Blossom!
Before you scroll through my solutions to your relationship problems, take a moment to think. Pause. Put the phone down, lean back from your iPad or tablet, and think about your relationship.
What, in your opinion, is your biggest relationship problem? Write it down. Who is the primary cause of this problem? What are your expectations of your boyfriend or husband, and of your relationship or marriage? What needs aren’t being met, and why? The healthiest and best way to find a solution to your relationship problems is to identify the cause. This means you have to look at both yourself and your relationship expectation honestly and objectively.
Then, after you take a good hard look at yourself, take time to put your partner under the same relationship microscope. Not to pinpoint him as the cause of your relationship problems – or the solution! Rather, to look at your relationship from his point of view.
What would your boyfriend or husband say the biggest problem in your relationship is?
If you can’t answer this, then your first relationship problem is ignorance. This doesn’t mean you’re dumb; it means you simply don’t know enough about your partner to solve your problems.
9 Reasons You Can’t Solve Your Relationship Problems…Plus Solutions
Here are the nine biggest relationship problems (which are different than the warning signs of a bad relationship). I’m willing to bet the problems you’re facing fall into one of these categories, and the solution is right in front of you.
But of course, just because the solution is clear doesn’t mean it’s easy.
1. You’re trying to solve the wrong problem
What relationship problems do you think you have? You wrote them down the first time I asked this question, right? Compare your answers to your boyfriend’s…do you and he agree about what your relationship problems are? If you haven’t talked about your problems, then you can’t figure out the solutions. If your boyfriend or husband isn’t aware that there are problems in your relationship, you may feel hopeless and helpless. But you’re not!
The solutions to this relationship problem: First, talk to your partner about your version of the problems. Ask him for his perspective. Give him time to think and respond; you’ve been thinking about your relationship problems for a long time, right? He may not be ready or able to just come up with the response you want. If days or weeks or years go by and your boyfriend or husband still hasn’t figured out that there are problems in your relationship, then you have two options: 1) change your expectations of him and your relationship; or 2) try to convince him of your perspective, and get relationship hlep.
2. You’re procrastinating
The second reason you can’t solve the problems in your relationship is avoidance. You know exactly what relationship problems you’re dealing with, but you’re putting off “the talk” with your boyfriend or husband. It’s painful, confusing and emotional to talk about relationship problems. If your partner is the indisputable cause of the problems, then it may scary or difficult to face them. So you procrastinate, avoid, and live with the problems in your relationship.
The solution to this relationship problem: Decide that “enough is enough” — you’ve lived this way for long enough! Make a list of steps that will help you break down this problem and start dealing with it. Take one step at a time, one day at a time, one hour at a time. Start untangling your emotions so you can break free.
3. You’re not taking responsibility
This is the one of the most common relationship problems that women write about in the comments section of all my articles! The majority of my readers refuse to take responsibility for their relationship problems. It’s always the man’s fault, for being a disloyal husband, bad boyfriend, or cheating partner. Most of the women who write about their relationship problems focus on their partner…they take no responsibility for their own choices and decision to stay in an unhealthy relationship or bad marriage. All relationship problems are caused by both partners, to different degrees. Even if your relationship problem is 100% caused by your boyfriend or husband, you’re contributing to it if you refuse to deal with it in some way.
The solution to this relationship problem: Ask yourself how you’re helping to create the situation you’re in. Be honest, brutally honest, with yourself. What could you be doing differently? Maybe the way to solve your problem is to leave your husband or move out of your boyfriend’s house. This is taking responsibility, and it’s good for you! It’s painful but good.
4. You’re giving up too early
Most relationship problems take one, two, three or more attempts to solve. Whether you’re dealing with parenting conflicts, arguments about aging parents, money fights, different personalities, ex-wives or ex-husbands, addictions or cheating in your marriage…it takes time and effort to find the best ways to solve your problems.
The solution to this relationship problem: As a couple, commit to working together to finding the best ways to solve the problems you’re facing in your relationship. Decide that you are a team, that you will work together to find solutions — without giving up too early. Arm yourselves for the future, and resolve to keep working together even when it’s hard.
5. You feel overwhelmed by the problems in your relationship
Feeling overwhelmed and helpless is common, especially if you’ve been avoiding your relationship problems for months or years. Some couples avoid or deny their problems for decades of marriage! This makes everything too overwhelming and big to deal with….so you continue to ignore the problems. It seems easier to “deal with it tomorrow.” Of course, tomorrow never comes.
The solution to this relationship problem: Break your problems down into smaller, more manageable chunks. If your most pressing problem is your addiction to gambling, for example, start talking to people who can help you cope with your compulsion. If this seems like too much, write down a description of your ideal life. What do you want your life to look like in one year? How can you create the conditions it takes to get there? If this makes you feel even more overwhelmed, brainstorm other solutions to your problem. Take it slow, easy, simple. One step at a time.
6. You don’t ask for help when you need it
The good news is that you’re searching for “solutions to relationship problems” — and you’re still reading this article! Awesome. This is one way of getting help. But you know it’s not enough. You know you need different ideas on how to solve the problems in your relationship or marriage…but you don’t know how to get the help you need.
The solution to this relationship problem: Ask the right people for help. I’m not the right person; I can’t help you solve the problems in your relationship. You may feel like you’re asking for help by writing about your relationship problems in the comments section below, but the truth is that it’ll get you nowhere. You need to ask a counselor, therapist, psychologist, doctor, pastor, or lawyer for help solving your relationship problems! Don’t ask strangers on the internet for relationship advice, because they don’t know you. They don’t know your boyfriend or husband, or what’s really going on in your relationship. Ask someone who can actually help you solve your problems.
If you need help, read 5 Best Ways to Get Good Relationship Advice.
7. You’re not communicating what you need and want
Is it possible that your relationship problems are actually easier than you think to solve? Wouldn’t it be amazing if you simply needed to ask your boyfriend to call when he’s going to be late for a date, or tell your husband how used or criticized you feel when he makes unsupportive comments about your friends, your cooking, your parenting or work decisions. Or…even more amazing…what if you figured out that what you really need and want is an unconditional source of self-worth and love — and that you can never get it from a man?
The solution to this relationship problem: First, figure out what you’re lacking. Write this down. Write down the reasons you need this thing you’re not getting in your relationship. Ask yourself if you can really get it from your boyfriend or husband, or if it has to come from a different source. Remember that your partner can’t be your savior. Your boyfriend or husband is just a guy with weaknesses and faults. He’ll disappoint you because he is a man. Don’t look to him as a source of your self-worth, purpose, or reason for being alive. If he can give you what you need (eg, emotional support for specific problems), then communicate it to him.
8. You have unrealistic expectations of yourself and your partner
Ah, one of the most common reasons you can’t solve your relationship problems: your expectations are completely unrealistic. Childish and immature, even. Did you really expect yourself to feel “in love” every day, all the time? Did you really expect your boyfriend or husband to change his basic personality traits or let go of bad habits? Your expectations are the biggest reason for your disappointments and pain. Your unmet expectations are the biggest source of suffering in your life.
The solution to this relationship problem: Identify what you expect from our boyfriend or husband. Make a list, and be specific. And be honest! Pretend you’ll never show this list to anyone (and in fact, you don’t have to — you can tear it up the minute it’s written). What are your relationship expectations, and how are they contributing to the problems in your relationship? How many of your expectations are realistic? If you’re brave, you’ll show this list to someone you trust. You’ll ask for an outside opinion of your relationship expectations.
9. You don’t acknowledge reward yourself for progress already made
Finally — you made it! The final reason you’re not finding solutions to your problems is that you haven’t celebrated the problems you’ve dealt with and overcome as a couple. For example, my husband and I coped with infertility. Not only did we keep our marriage strong through this, we actually learned ways to celebrate our childless situation. I’m grateful now that we didn’t have kids, and I celebrate the fact that Bruce and I came through this together. We’re stronger and happier than ever before, and we trust God more than we ever did.
The solution to this relationship problem: What problems have you and your boyfriend or husband already solved? What can you celebrate as a couple? Take time to enjoy the progress you’ve already made. See how far you’ve come. Look at your relationship together, and marvel at the beauty of the love you have. Enjoy your union, for you were brought together for a reason.
May you find love, joy, and peace in your life. May God bless your relationship, and may you take time to look up and thank Him for the partner He has given you. May you open your heart to the love and grace of Jesus, and may you accept the wisdom and guidance of the Holy Spirit.
And may all your relationship problems find the right solutions, and bring you closer together as a couple.
Your thoughts are welcome below! I don't give advice, but you can get free relationship help from marriage coach Mort Fertel.