You don’t need a marriage quiz or relationship test to find out if your husband still loves you. Here are the most common signs a marriage is over, plus encouragement for the journey you and your husband are on.
“In my work doing marriage coaching, I have noticed that very often the turning point in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom,” says marriage coach Mort Fertel. “It’s not until they’ve been through the worst that things start to get better.” And, remember that asking ‘does my husband still love me?’ is one of the most common questions wives have during a rough patch in their marriage. So – are you going through the normal ups and downs of a relationship, or is your marriage over? Here are several signs a marriage is over, plus help seeing if your husband still loves you. This will help you see your relationship more clearly.
If you’re wondering if your husband still loves you, take heart! Your marriage is normal if you’re questioning your relationship, because all married couples experience highs and lows. And, sometimes a marriage needs to hit rock bottom before it can be revived and rebuilt.
Feeling like you’ve hit bottom in your relationship isn’t necessarily the worst thing to happen. Sometimes rock bottom is where you need to be, so you can save your marriage. Read through these signs your marriage is over, and be open to ways to rebuild your relationship.
At the end of this article I share several books that will help you heal if you already know the answer to the “does my husband still love me?” question. But first, read through these signs your marriage is over with an honest and open mind. But, don’t give up hope! You might be able to save your relationship – you just might be at rock bottom right now.
Is Your Marriage Over? 7 Signs Your Husband Doesn’t Love You
Remember marriage coach Mort Fertel’s words: just because you’re struggling with problems in your relationship doesn’t mean your marriage is headed for divorce court! The following issues may represent the end of one stage of your marriage….and may herald the beginning of a new, healthier chapter of your life. Yes, even if your husband had an emotional or physical affair! Why? Because cheating husbands who want to recommit to their marriages are often more likely to build stronger relationships with their wives.
If you’re wondering if your husband loves you because he had an affair, read How to Know if You Can Trust Him After He Cheated on You.
1. He isn’t aware – or doesn’t understand – how his actions affect you
If your husband doesn’t understand how his behavior is affecting you – and even worse, refuses to listen to your perspective – then your marriage will be difficult to rebuild. To rise from rock bottom, both partners have to see how their actions or inactions are affecting the relationship – and both partners have to be willing to work on their own issues. If your husband refuses to accept responsibility for his part, then you need to decide if you want to stay in your marriage the way it is…or end it.
It’s sad and scary when your husband refuses to see what’s happening in your relationship. It’s heartbreaking to think he doesn’t love you anymore. But, his refusal alone may be the only sign you need that your marriage is over. Your husband’s denial and avoidance is telling you how he feels about you and your life together.
2. Your husband knows how you feel, but doesn’t care – or blames you
Does your husband want to change? Does he care about working on your marriage? Most importantly: what does your husband say when you ask him if he still loves you?
Communication is important in a marriage, but it depends on what is being said. It’s also important what is NOT being said. A loving, committed husband says, “I love you. You are important to me. Our marriage is important to me. I want us to be happy, and I will do what it takes to save our relationship. Yes, I am still your husband and yes, I still love you!”
However, if your husband blames you for things that are wrong in your marriage or your lives as a couple, then he doesn’t love you. Maybe he’s looking for a way out of the relationship, and he’s using you as a scapegoat. You can stay up all night trying to figure your husband out. You might even stay up all night trying to communicate with him…but if he doesn’t care how you feel or whether your relationship is healthy, then perhaps it’s a sign your marriage is over.
Marriage coach Mort Fertel says, “Ironically, communication techniques sometimes give people clarity that they don’t care what their spouse thinks or feels. They ‘got it,’ but it doesn’t matter to them anymore.” Communication in a relationship doesn’t matter if your husband doesn’t care how you feel or what you think.
3. Your husband changed – you have a feeling he doesn’t love you anymore
You are the expert on your marriage. You are the expert on your husband and yourself. You know things deep in your heart and soul that nobody else can possibly know.
If you have a feeling your husband doesn’t love you, then you are quite possibly right. I think you’re searching for answers on the internet because you already know the truth in your heart. You have heard that still small voice, your subconscious is picking up on hints and clues, and you have already asked ‘does my husband still love me?’ a million times in your mind, heart and soul.
But take heart! Yes, it is devastating to believe that your husband no longer loves you. It is rock bottom! You may be at the lowest point in your marriage. However, this isn’t necessarily a sign your marriage is over. All married couples go through ups and downs, and all relationships need care and attention. Not connecting with your husband right now doesn’t necessarily mean it’s time to think about divorce. His lack of love may simply be a feeling that will pass. You and your husband may find a way to graduate beyond your feelings, and live in the true action of love.
When you first got married, you may have felt understood, heard, and connected with your husband. Time passes, and the stress of daily life and kids and jobs and money and house all take a toll…and you find that you’re not connecting anymore. This isn’t necessarily a sign your marriage is over – it just means you need to make the time and effort to reconnect.
4. You have different visions of your future life together
Your husband wants a four million dollar home on oceanfront property; you want to live in a cottage in the country. Your husband wants six children; you’d rather be childfree. Your husband wants his elderly mom and dad to live with him in his four million dollar home; you can barely tolerate a family dinner with them. To keep your marriage together, you need to agree on your vision as a couple or family – and put each other first. Your financial goals, parents, or careers must be prioritized lower than your marriage.
Sometimes you don’t need to read signs your marriage is over because you already know divorce is the best option. If you aren’t financially independent or able to leave, read How to Get Money to Leave Your Husband.
5. You’re not physically intimate (but this isn’t necessarily a sign he doesn’t love you)
This may not be a sure way to tell if your marriage is over because it depends on your and your husband’s physical and mental health. But if you have no love life to speak of, then you probably aren’t connecting on an intimate emotional and physical level. The less you connect, the less healthy your relationship is…and the more likely your husband isn’t feeling love for you.
Again, take heart! It is possible that you’re simply in the dry desert valley of your marriage. Can you regain intimacy? Yes, you sure can – if both you and your husband want to revive your love. Start working on the emotional aspects of your marriage, and the physical part will happen naturally.
6. You fight the “wrong” way in your marriage
How are your marriage conflicts discussed and resolved? If you have no conflicts, then you’re not being honest. If you can’t stay focussed on the issue at hand – opting instead to bring up past mistakes or reopen old wounds – then your marriage may be leaning towards “over.” The more you bring past conflicts into current arguments, the less healthy your relationship is. This isn’t necessarily an answer to your question about whether or not your husband still loves you, but it is a communication pattern that reflects the health of your marriage.
Learning how to resolve conflict in your relationship may involve going to a counselor, or simply reading books about communication. But this goes back to the previous sign your marriage is over: are you and your husband willing to do the work it takes to reconnect as a couple?
7. Your husband says, “I don’t love you anymore”
The biggest warning sign that your marriage is over is when your husband actually tells you he’s not in love with you anymore. If you’ve heard those words, my heart goes out to you. These are painful words to hear. We were made for love and companionship; hearing the man you love say he no longer loves you is heartbreaking.
You may be wondering about your husband’s faithfulness to you, but it’s important for you to know that an affair isn’t necessarily a sign your husband doesn’t love you. Many couples survive marital infidelity, and even have a stronger bond because of the cheating. Other couples split up right away, while other marriage limp along for years or decades…and the cheating partner remains unfaithful. Cheating in and of itself isn’t necessarily a way to tell if your marriage is over…it’s how the partners act after the infidelity that determines if they’ll stay together.
If you and your husband have temporarily separated, read How to Decide if You Should Reconcile With Your Husband.
Find your sources of strength, power, and healing
Facing the idea that your husband doesn’t love you anymore is painful. It hurts.
It’s rejection of the deepest kind, and it cuts into your heart and soul. Your husband’s lack of love affects your self-image and self-esteem, and it changes how you feel about yourself.
Allow yourself to grieve the end of your marriage as you knew it to be. It’s possible that your marriage isn’t actually over. You and your husband might save your relationship, or agree to stay married but not as the loving couple you once were. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you find several sources of love, strength, power, and healing.
Don’t hide your problems from your friends and family. Above all, don’t hide from God. You were created for a purpose, and you are incredibly important. You are worthy and valuable. Your presence matters. You found Blossom for a reason – even if love isn’t blossoming in your heart or marriage.
Take care of yourself. Read Words of Comfort for When Your Heart is Broken.
You will heal, and you will be happy again! Find your source of joy and peace, healing and faith. Reach upwards. Open your heart to God, and allow His healing and power to guide you in the right direction.
How to Save Your Marriage Before It’s Over
In How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, Patricia Love and Steven Stosny say that talking about your relationship makes women move closer but it makes men move away. They studied this dynamic between men and women, reached a truly shocking conclusion: talking about marriage pushes husbands away. So, asking if your husband still loves you may put up a barrier between you and him.
Even if you have the best of intentions, talking about your marriage doesn’t bring you together, and it will eventually drive you apart. The reason for this is that underneath most couples’ fights, there is a biological difference. A woman’s vulnerability to fear and anxiety makes her draw closer, while a man’s subtle sensitivity to shame makes him pull away in response. This is why so many married couples fall into the archetypal roles of nagging wife/stonewalling husband, and why improving a marriage can’t happen through words.
What are the natural phases of a long-term, committed love relationship? Read Love Cycles: The Five Essential Stages of Lasting Love by Linda Carroll. You’ll recognize where you are in the cycle of your marriage, and start understanding different strategies for staying happy and committed, even in difficult times.
In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert, John Gottman offers strategies and resources to help couples collaborate more effectively to resolve any problem, whether dealing with issues related to sex, money, religion, work, family, or anything else. Whether you see all seven signs your marriage is over – or just one – this book can help you save your relationship. It’s packed with new exercises and the latest research out of the esteemed Gottman Institute, and will help you lift your relationship to its highest potential.
If you’re still confused and unsure, read 8 Signs He Doesn’t Love You.
I welcome your thoughts on these signs your marriage is over. I can’t give you advice and I don’t have the answer to the “does my husband still love me?” question…but the books on saving your marriage may help. You might also consider getting marriage coaching from an online source of support, such as Mort Fertel. He gives relationship advice, and shares his perspective on the signs of a marriage ending.