You may not be able to choose whether you’re single or married right now, but you can choose how you’ll feel about it! Here’s what to do when you’re sad because you haven’t found the right man to marry.
First, know that you are not alone. And you are normal, valuable, and worthy of finding love and being loved in return. You feel sad and lonely because you were created for companionship. God created us to spend our lives in families and communities, with partners. He created us for love and companionship. This makes it worse, doesn’t it? Why on earth, you may be wondering, are you still single? So not only are you sad because you aren’t married you may also feel confused, unworthy, and unlovable.
A long time ago, I grieved the loss of my dream of getting married and having kids. I spent a lot of time learning how to be happy single when I wished I was married. Recently, I received a comment from a reader who is so sad she never married, she wishes she was divorced. She’d rather have experienced a marriage breakdown than a life of being single. Here’s her comment, plus a few ideas on how to cope with feelings of sadness and loneliness because you never married…
Even though I adjusted to the idea of never getting married, I never gave up hope. I didn’t expect to find someone to spend my life with, but I never stopped dating or meeting new people. It did get tiring, and I often felt hopeless. But I knew my happiness couldn’t depend on a man. I eventually got married when I was 35 years old! But now, looking back, I wish I wouldn’t have wasted my time and energy being sad that I was single.
I wish I would’ve used my time, energy, creativity and resources to do pursue joy and peace, instead of grieving my single status. Then I would’ve had no time to be sad because I never married. I’d be too busy enjoying my life.
And that is my hope for you.
When You’re Sad Because You Never Married
“For appearance’s sake I wish I could say I was divorced rather than never married,” says a She Blossoms reader on When You’re Tired of Being Alone. “It’s very hard not feeling like something is different or wrong with me. The rest of society pairs up between the ages of 28 and 33. I had an affair with a married man. It reinforced the insecurities and doubts I have about the fact that I’ve never been married.”
It must be very difficult to struggle with insecurity and self-doubt when you’ve never been married – and you care what people think. This reader puts so much stock in the opinions of others, she would rather go through the emotional heartache and financial destruction of divorce than be single her whole life.
I admire this woman for knowing exactly how she feels (insecure and self-doubtful) and why she feels that way (she cares about what people think of her). What about you? Have you taken time to figure out exactly why you’re sad because you’re single?
Identify how you feel about never getting married
If you want to feel happy and healthy, you have to go beyond the general “I’m sad because I’ve never been married” feelings. Sadness hurts, but it’s a vague feeling that can’t be addressed. In order to feel better, you need to tease out the specific reasons for your feelings.
For instance, do you feel insecure and unworthy because you’re the “only one” who never got married? Do you feel ugly and unlovable because you haven’t found the right life partner? Maybe you’re scared about your future, about getting sick and dying alone. Maybe you’re lonely because you don’t have children, or worried about your financial future.
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It’s hard but important to dig in to your specific feelings. Just becoming aware of how you feel about never being married – beyond being sad – will start the healing process.
Ask yourself if you feel socially outcast
Not feeling like you belong is one of the hardest parts of being single. You feel like everyone else is in love – or at least married – except you. You don’t feel normal or healthy. Maybe you’re even tempted to wear a ring on your wedding finger so people think you’re married. Your family members ask why you never married, and you have no idea what to say.
Being a single woman over 40 isn’t easy…especially if you want to be married. It’s hard to live with the daily reality of disappointment and sadness.
Again, it’s difficult but important to work through the sad feelings of never being married. It hurts, but the pain is part of the healing process. Accept your sadness, and grieve the loss of your dreams. You’ve lost something really important to you, something that you were literally created to be part of. Take time to honor your feelings, and grieve your loss.
Take a deep breath
When I finally got married at 35, I thought we’d live happily ever after. But you know what? We discovered we couldn’t have children. We didn’t want to adopt or foster kids, and the fertility treatments we tried didn’t work. So then I had to learn how to be happy without children. And that is a whole different type of grief.
No matter what life you’re given – whether you’re married, divorced, single, widowed – there is always, always a thorn in the rose. If you get married, you’ll find stuff to be sad about. If you have children, you’ll have problems to deal with. If you get divorced, you’ll have to start over. If you’re widowed, you have a lost husband to grieve.
Take a deep breath. Consider the idea that you may be sad even if you do get married. Maybe your feelings of sadness, loneliness, insecurity, or unworthiness have nothing to do with your marital status. Maybe you’re sad because you’re not receiving love, power, strength or peace from Jesus.
Write about it
Your thoughts – big and little – are welcome below! Writing is one of the best ways to discover how you really feel about never getting married.
Maybe you thought you were sad, but really you were coping with society’s or your family’s expectations. Maybe you thought you were lonely, but really you’re quite happy being on your own. Maybe you thought you were spiritual, but you’re missing a personal connection with Jesus Christ. Take time to stop and listen to the still small voice. He will lead you forward. He will help you learn what the desires of your heart truly are, and He will guide you home.
I read every comment, but don’t worry: I won’t give advice or tell you what to do. It’s your turn to talk.
With His love,
Need marriage help? Get free relationship advice from Marriage Coach Mort Fertel.
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