How to Decide if You Should Reconcile With Your Husband

Here’s what you need to know about getting back together after a separation. Reconciliation is common for many couples who have separated or divorced, but is it a good idea for you?

“My husband is desperately trying to reconcile our marriage after we separated,” said Lynda on Emotional Disconnection in Marriage. “I feel he has changed for the better, but I don’t know if men ever change from what he did. I feel so guilty that our daughter is split and she loves her daddy. But I don’t know if I ever could love him again. If we got back together I could possibly have the life I always wanted, and be able to stay home with my daughter and have more children. But how do I know if he would do everything all over again (mental and verbal abuse, an affair)? I wouldn’t want to put my daughter through that! And would I survive it the second time? Any advice or insight you might have about getting back together would be appreciated!”

There is no formula that will tell you if getting back together after separation is a good idea for you and your family. So how do you know if reconciliation is a better choice than staying apart and rebuilding a new life without your ex?

You must listen to that still small voice, and trust your intuition. Below are several things you need to consider before deciding if getting back together after separation is a good idea. This article was inspired by my many readers who don’t know how to decide or even start reconciling after a separation. You are not alone – and you may see yourself in their comments below. Reading through the situations of other women may help you see your marriage in a different light – and this may help you make a decision about getting back together after separation.

Research on Reconciliation After Separation

Research from the Personal Relationships journal shows that reconciliation after separation is surprisingly common. Ending a marriage or long-term relationship is difficult emotionally and socially, yet a high percentage of couples break up and then renew their relationship with the same person.

One study found that as many as 40% of the sample had reconciled after separating, with 75% of the respondents reporting at least two reconciliations with the same partner. Most separated couples think about reconciliation, and getting back together after separation is a healthy plan for some people.

But, is getting back together a good idea for you and your family? Here are a few things to consider about reconciliation after being separated….

How to Decide if You Should Reconcile With Your Husband

Try not to take anyone’s advice about whether you should reconcile after a separation.

Reconciliation After Separation

How to Decide if You Should Reconcile With Your Husband

Rather, focus on your own inner wisdom and true self. What do you really want to do? It’s scary to trust your intuition or gut feelings, but in the long run you are a better indicator of good decisions than all the advice in the world.

Here, I share a few thoughts about getting back together after a separation, inspired by my reader’s question about reconciliation after separation. Your situation is different, but the questions I pose may help you decide.

What caused the separation?

Some couples end their relationship because of unresolvable differences or conflicts that can’t be accepted. Others decide to get separated because they simply need time and space to think.

Consider the reason for your separation. Does getting back together make sense to you? If the point of separation was to take time and space to re-evaluate your marriage — and if you and your ex are both leaning towards getting back together — then perhaps reconciliation is a logical next step.

Reconciliation is more complicated and sensitive than getting together in the first place. Rebuilding a marriage or relationship involves getting over a broken heart or disappointment in your ex-husband, which requires forgiveness and hard work. If you know your reconciliation will be rocky, consider seeing a counsellor who specializes in getting back together after a divorce or separation.

If your husband has a drinking problem, read How to Help an Alcoholic Husband.

Take a step away from your emotions

At this point, it’s important to take a deep breath and put your emotions aside. You may feel guilt, love, fear, hope, dread, confusion, anger, frustration, concern – you may feel like you’re drowning in an ocean of emotion! But your emotions shouldn’t make the “getting back together after separation” decision for you.

In Should You Try to Get Your Ex Back? 16 Questions to Ask Yourself I offer a list of healthy reasons to reconcile after a separation. The best reason for getting back together after separation is to assess whether something has changed in your relationship or marriage. How do you know if your ex-husband has changed? You date him.

Re-establish your relationship without formally getting back together

Who says reconciliation after separation means moving back in together? Why do you have to decide today or tomorrow to rebuild your marriage?

Use this time – the in-between time and space – to get to know your ex-husband again. Reconnect with him as if he were a new man and you were a new woman (because you’re both different, right? If neither have you have changed, then what’s the point of getting back together after separation?).

If your husband balks at, criticizes, or ridicules the idea of dating, then you’re one step closer to knowing if you should get back together.

Go slow – don’t let your husband push you into reconciling after a separation

Here are a few signs you should not reconcile after a separation:

  • Your husband isn’t giving you time to think
  • He is desperately trying to get back together
  • He’s pushing you to move back in with him right away
  • He’s jumping from one relationship to another
  • External parties (in-laws, parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, etc) are pressuring you
  • You’re getting back together out of desperation, guilt, or other unhealthy reasons
  • You’re not being true to you if you get back together with your husband
  • Your gut instincts are telling you not to reconcile with your husband
  • You feel better and happier without your husband in the house
  • You feel emotionally manipulated or controlled by him
  • You like your life the way it is, without your ex-husband

Getting back together after separation is a big decision, and you need to take your time. I repeat my suggestion to date your ex-husband. If he doesn’t want to take six months to re-establish your relationship, then he’s not serious about building a strong foundation for your marriage.

Attach conditions to getting back together after separation

What do you want to see happen in your marriage, if you were to reconcile? You have the power to set conditions – you need to assert your strength and set the tone for the future of your marriage (or divorce). Stand up for yourself; don’t let your husband push you around.

Figure out what you want your new marriage to look and feel like, and tell your husband. Be specific and clear: I want to know I can trust you, so I want access to your phone, email, etc. Don’t be afraid to tell him what you want. If you’re scared to talk to your husband, then perhaps you should stop thinking about getting back together.

Get counseling – especially if your husband was abusive

In How to Know if Divorce is the Best Decision, I describe why counseling should not be a last resort, but rather a healthy step to take when problems first arise. If your husband abused you, then you absolutely definitely need to go to counseling as a couple.

Do not reconcile with a husband who abused you, but did not get help for it. Do not believe his words that he has changed! Believe his ACTIONS. How has his behavior changed? Is getting back together after separation a good idea for you, or are you running back to the same old problems?

Listen to your intuition

The most powerful source of wisdom and truth that still, small voice inside of you.

How to Decide if You Should Reconcile With Your Husband

Reconciliation After Separation

Maybe it’s intuition, or God, or the Universe….whatever you call it, it really is the best source of advice you could ever ask for. You need to get quiet and listen to it, for that voice will tell you what you need to know. That voice will tell you what the next step is. Get out of your head and away from your emotions, and connect with your inner self. Your still small voice knows what decision you need to make about getting back together with your husband.

Here are some questions to help you work through the decision process. Coming up with your own answers has a much greater effect than asking for advice.

  • How did your marriage affect your behavior, thoughts and emotions?
  • How did the separation or divorce affect your behavior, thoughts and emotions?
  • How does reconciliation protect you from being vulnerable or hurt?
  • What is the purpose of getting back together with your husband?
  • What would it take to make your marriage painful enough that you would leave him for good?

Which path (reconciling with your husband and rebuilding your marriage, or proceeding with life without him) leads to more life, possibilities, and purpose?

Go where the life is. Find ways to clear noise and clutter of unhealthy attachments, bad relationships, unhappy people. Listen to the still small voice of God – of divine wisdom and power! Be quiet so you can hear. And, own up to the choices you’ve made and aren’t making. Don’t let past decisions ruin your future…you may grieve your loss, but you will be alive and growing a healthier future. You will be Blossoming.

In the comments section below, feel free to write the pros and cons of getting back together after separating with your husband. Take this opportunity to freewrite reasons you should and shouldn’t get back together with him.

Help for Getting Back Together After Separation

separating and getting back togetherMarriage on the Mend: Healing Your Relationship After Crisis, Separation, or Divorce was written by Clint and Penny Bragg. They’re a married couple who knows what it means to get back together after a separation – and divorce – of 11 years.  After their divorce and after living 3,000 miles from each other, they were remarried. That’s when the difficult work of restoration and rebuilding their marriage began.

The Braggs know that couples who reconcile after separation or divorce face a unique set of challenges, including unresolved arguments, poor communication habits, unforgiveness, and betrayed trust.

In Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed, Gary Chapman offers insights and hope for couples who have separated and wish they could be reconciled. When doors slam and angry words fly, when things just aren’t working out, and even when your spouse has abandoned your trust, there is hope.

I welcome your thoughts on getting back together after separation below, but I can’t offer relationship advice or counseling. Sometimes it helps to write about your experience, even if you don’t get feedback.

If financial problems are a factor in your separation – or your reconciliation – read How to Make a Difficult Decision in Your Life.

My prayer is that you make the right decision about getting back together separation, for both you and your family. May you go slow, listen to the still small voice, and make a decision that has positive consequences for the majority of your loved ones.


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102 thoughts on “How to Decide if You Should Reconcile With Your Husband”

  1. It’s been 7 months of separation, after he left me for another woman because we had both become emotionally and physically neglectful. We’ve spent time together in the last few months and he shows signs of wanting to reconnect but there’s a distance. He says she’s not the woman for him but he hasn’t ended it. He’s unwilling to commit to focusing just on me and says he’s afraid if it doesn’t work out he’ll be alone. It’s heartbreaking because I have regrets and I have loved him for so long. I’ve tried to put aside my pain and jealousy and give him space, but it’s so painful. I’ve given ultimatums, backed down, been kind and loving and felt crazy at times. I just don’t know when to give up.

  2. Taking a break from my 14 year marriage is scarey for me. I do not want to lose him. But I do not feel important enough in his life. My husband waits days to respond to my texts. He calls me on fridays only….if I am lucky.We see each other bi-weekly. (Mind you, I pay the cell phone bill.) He is a calm man, whom doesn’t express his feelings. I love my husband deeply and want to reconcile. But I feel like time is up for us in his eyes. That is why a relationship break is important. To give him space to think and decide his best path.

  3. Hi I was in a similar situation. When we tried to reconcille, it was not the same. It’s very difficult to forgive and forget. I tried a lot to move on but that feeling that I can never trust him was always there. I finally took a decision and left. My kids were also suffering due to constant fights and arguements we were having. The truth is I never saw any major effort from his end. My kids are teenage girls & they understood why we could not stay together. Also, they supported me on the leaving because of infidelity issue. So much so you can hide from kids! Only thing I made sure is their father is involved in their life. I never restricted my kids or my husband from being in each other’s life. As parents we try our best to support and be there for our girls but marriage is over. I am still going through the pain of breaking up! It will take time to heal but staying in the marriage was more difficult especially when the offender does not show much remorse. Now there is no hope. It’s time to re-build my life, although at 44 it sucks but thats how it is. You need to do what you need to.

  4. My husband and i are back together, after a few months seperation due his having affairs. It came to a point wher i lost complete trust in him and our marriage. We have been married for 13 years with 3 children. I think i allowed gettin back together coz i was afraid of being loney or starting a new life without him. Now im in it but i really feel that as much as i try but it will never be the same. Kids were very happy with us gettin back together but now i cant pretend – how do i get out without crushing their happiness.

  5. In 1987 my husband loaded me on a bus at the amtrack station and sent me home to my mothers with a guardianship to be assumed the savings account, and a letter telling my mother because I would not have sex with him or keep my word about a promise I had made two months before going to Rome on vacation. My promise was if he stayed home and worked for a 22 year old so they could go marry in Rome that upon my return I would be a willing sex partner and travel companion any time any where and any way he wanted his vacation.

    The problem was he was taking off right after taking everyone to his fathers when we came back on a three week western road trip without regard for any of the hundred with less seniority than he had, over 100 were going to be set back in their plans by three weeks.

    I put my foot down about it telling him we would figure something out for the time we decided after the first of January 1988. If nothing else he could take a stay cation and just rest. He blew up saying he had not had a day off in nearly six years, he had done everything asked of him the last two years then asked me was I going to keep my word. Crying I told him I could not let him use his seniority in the UAW to harm other plans. 30 minutes later I was on the bus him his father and tw deputies that were serving him with an order to go to work. Hes punching his father to the ground and chasing the deputies as his brothers held him back.

  6. Hi everyone, My husband who has left me for 7 months because of his new found mistress is back, We have been married for 14 years with 3 beautiful kids. I love my husband so much but I could not stop him. I need our marriage to work, I have read countless books on how to please your husband but none worked.

  7. I absolutely agree with majority of the reasons why one needs not reconcile after separation, but your portrayal of a “husband” in this case is extremely negative . You place more emphasis on “the man” as if he is a monster.

  8. Pros:
    1. Not having to split my children from their step-grandparents and step father whom they love
    2. Financially more stable if he’s able to keep a job
    3. Get a little bit of help from him with the house and perhaps the kids and house
    1. Never know when he may do drugs again
    2. I may have to separate the kids and myself from him again if he goes back to using
    3. Never know when he’s lying about paying bills, rent, etc.
    4. Financially supporting him, myself and my children
    5. Having to constantly stand up for myself and justify why the children come first

  9. Hello,

    My name is Jorgen . I am a Canadian citizen currently residing in Vancouver. My family (wife and son) and I relocated from Toronto to Seoul, South Korea in January, 2017. My wife left me on April 27, 2018 and took our son. Ever since my now ex wife left me (April 27, 2018), I have not been able to see or talk to my son.
    My wife filed for a divorce in Korea which was granted to her in my absence on March 15, 2019. I was informed of this decision through a Korea friend in Seoul, South Korea. My wife and I got married on 28 December, 2012.

    I am new in Vancouver and came here as I was offered a position as an academic manager in a school. Besides, I had no other choice but to leave South Korea, because my sponsorship visa expired. I have been trying to open a way to communicate with her; however, she has completely blocked me. I have tried to send child support to our son, Daniel, asking her via numerous emails and even through a friend to provide me with a bank account number. There has been no reply at all.

    I need to add that once before, a few months into our marriage, my now ex wife disappeared, citing arguments and misunderstandings. A couple of months later, she surfaced in South Korea. This was back in 2013.

    In January 2017, we decided to relocate to South Korea. I found re-adjustment to the new environment quite hard. In the meantime, my wife became more and more distant and less supportive. We had arguments like any other couple; however, I grew more and more emotional and anxious, due my sense of isolation and loneliness, and our arguments became more frequent. I even broke things a couple of times. Unbeknownst to me, she had been collecting evidence to get divorced and win full child custody.

    Ever since she left, she and her family have stone walled me. I know that she reads my emails and sometimes forwards them to her older brother (I have installed an email tracking program on my computer). My ex is not rich and her brother has his own wife and kids. Her mother is not rich either. Her brother emailed me a couple of weeks ago about my Korean credit card debt asking me to respond the notice from the bank. I thought that it could be away to find a way to contact her or to at least know about my son. Several times I offered to send child support, but she never gave me her bank account information. I sent clothes for my 5 year old son, which has been received.

    I am now working on myself and am doing my very best to change, not just for her, but for my life. I am truly tired of my old self and am determined to change. I have been emailing her almost every day, which I admit, is obsessive. I am truly remorseful and I hope that there is a way to make amends and look after my son, and if possible, my ex. I can’t give up.

    I would greatly appreciate your advice.

  10. Hello everyone. I hope some of you can help me with my dilemma. I have been married to my wife for 6 years and been together 12. We have 2 beautiful kids. 10 and 4 years old. We have been separated for almost 2 months. The way things started was when I walked out on her. I packed up my things and left. After we had gotten into an argument the night before. I was done with her trying to control me and with everything I did. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. I drink but just to have one or two. I work my butt off. I’ve even worked 2 full time jobs for 2 years. Just so my family can have everything they wanted. Yes I admit that they way I did things by leaving was not the best idea. The first week I left she was begging for me to get back with her. She was doing everything to try for me to go back. The thing is that we lived with her parents. And they had told me that if I had left then I wouldn’t be able to come back. So they had a big part on us not getting back together even if I wanted to. She had suggested on us getting our own place. And I was still mad and annoyed by her on insisting on us getting back together that I would reject anything she would try. The second weeks come and my eyes open up. I was staying at my brothers apartment cuz he told me I could stay there until I got on my feet. But that second week it was my turn to have the kids with me. It hurt me that they didn’t have their own bed like they did when we were together so that made me have a change of heart. And the fact that I missed her so much. By the second week she was over it and she gave up. She was over me. I’ve been begging her for us to get back together and save our marriage but she doesn’t want to. I was never violent with her but I do have a bad temper and raise my voice at times. But never put my hands on her. I did do a lot of things like neglect her. I wasn’t that affectionate with her like she wanted. Or communicate with her. Whenever she wanted to talk or have a small conversation I would just say that we had nothing to talk about. I was very naive and prideful. But honestly if I wouldn’t of left like I did. I would of never of opened my eyes and seen how much she was worth. And how much she helped me. She always put me before her. She was a very good wife and mother and I never noticed it until it was too late. When our 2 child was born we had our own place. We were very happy. No fights. Nothing. Happy to have had a very healthy babygirl. But then a year later her parents asked us to move to their place so we can save for a house. They’re the type of parents that butted into our relationship. They always had something to say but didn’t help. We always had to tiptoe around them. To this day I stay trying to get back with her. Our kids are suffering the most. My daughter which is 4 now. Cries and says that she wants us together. My son cries as well. Telling her to give me one more chance. I applied for an apartment and got approved and waiting till next month to move in. I didn’t get the place for me. I got the place for them. My wife and kids. She lives 45 minutes from where she works. The kids school and babysitter live in the same city she works. I got the apartment in the same city so it can easy for her. Everything is literally 5 minutes from the apartment. I’m trying everything. I have no more anger in me. Or fights. I want my family back. I want my wife back. I want to give her her space but I don’t want her to move on. Cuz I don’t want to move on. I know she has people telling her what to do. Because she would never do this. She’s a family person. Please I need advice from a girls point of view. Thank you

    1. My husband and I have been married 5 years. My husband left insisting that I was controlling I just wanted more than the life he kept wanting to live I wanted a home and a vehicle to be added to the bank accounts and have access to the money and car and to see check Stubbs and bills he worked an hour away I knew no one in our town and we had moved multiple times due to him spending and not letting me have part of the finances to make a budget his debt caught up to him and he would blame me for not having money when he was spending it. I did not want to be trapped all day long inside an apartment he moved us away from family and kept us secluded from people and we only went out went he wanted us to. All that you described yourself is how he is. How you described your wife wanting conversation and you would say there’s nothing to talk about is how we were. We’ve been separated 6 months now. I have 3 children ages 3 and under. We lived with my parents for a while to save for a home too but my mother was controlling. Even if we wanted to get back together she is against it and my relatives. My husband was not physically abusive and worked a lot. Work caught up to him we did not ever see him he worked holidays birthdays. He is repeating exactly what his dad and mom did to him he abandoned us. He is not showing any effort to reconcile or restore our marriage. He controlled the finances vehicle bills credit cards and was messing around he lied and manipulated and we have grown apart no matter how much effort I have put into our marriage. I am willing to reconcile And heal and restore and forgive. Everyone is saying it’s a lost cause. I keep praying and believing. I believe in the vows I made so I am going to do all I can to be satisfied that I know I did all to save my marriage even if it means just to give him space knowing he said he had moved on and wants a divorce but since we have no communication I don’t know if he’s changed his mind recently. I wonder and hope that he wants to come back and restore our marriage and be a father to our kids. He has a lawyer the day he hired him he had a car wreck,racked up insurmountable amount of medical debt and terminated our health insurance and sent his grandparents to our home to harass us. His family i do not trust with our kids they drink party gossip and are part of destroying our marriage . There has been multiple court reset dates. I’ve hired a lawyer but he recently passed away at age 65. So everything is put on hold I can’t help but feel like God is saying be patient I’m working on him. This whole situation is a nightmare and is the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with. It’s made me rely on God only. I put my faith and trust in my husband I relied and depended on him more than God. Only God can restore and reconcile my husband and my marriage. He can change his heart and remind him of the love we had and what he gave up and what he has to loose. My advice to you is pray nothing is too big or small for God he can move mountains don’t give up. But rely solely on God where people say it’s impossible nothing is impossible for God. Whatever happens believe that God has this and thank him.

  11. Rhonda – I would talk with her about why she won’t accept it and why she is against it. Maybe she has wise points for you to consider. But you are all adults and in the end, this is your decision to make. If this is the direction you’ve chosen to go even after considering wise counsel, then she will need to come to terms with it.

    1. Thank you Roxanne. I’m not really a religious person just because when I was younger it was forced on me by my mother. (Jehova’s witness) but I still believe in God. I’m not gunna say I pray because I don’t but I do have faith that we will be together once more. I know she’s enjoying her single life right now cuz she never really had one. We got together really young. I know where I messed up and I know what to do to make things right. This separation has made me a better person. Better father. And if we got back together I’d be a better partner/husband. In a couple months my career is gunna take off and I want her to be a part of it because she’s the one that got me into this field. I was too stubborn to admit it before. But thanks to her I have this job. And I’m working my ass off for her and my kids. I’m happy right now being by myself. But I wanna be happy with her. I wanna be happy in love with her. I miss all the small things she would do before. I’m trying to give her her space. I don’t like it but I don’t have a choice right now.

      1. What you’re saying answers a lot of questions I have for my situation and is similar to the thoughts I have. I’m not religious either just relying on God instead of myself this whole situation has drawn me closer to God.a lot of what you’re saying is what I want my husband to wake up and realize if he hasn’t already I want him to what that for me. He’s a security guard and I did all I could to help him pursue a career in criminal justice but he got stuck at a place where committing adultery is common. I just wish I knew why he left maybe it’s like what you said if you didn’t leave you wouldn’t have realized how much your wife meant to you. I’m hoping you get back with your wife and it strengthens your relationship and I’m praying that God blesses you with abundantly more And health and all blessings for you and your family and just like you I’m enjoying being single and hoping and waiting that my husband comes back.

      2. You said you’re trying to give your wife space and you don’t like it but you don’t have a choice. I am feeling the exact same it is difficult especially when you want to fix it and miss that person so much more than they could imagine. I miss my husband I love him and miss his smile and laugh but I’m praying that being patient and giving him time will help and he will come back.

        1. Thank you for your prayers. Personally I left because I was tired of getting accused of adultery. I mean I would give her reasons to but I never did anything. I’ve made mistakes but I’ve always been there for my family. But it wasn’t right of her to be throwing it in my face every time she got upset. I left mad and I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t leave her for no other woman. I’ve tried to talk to her. She doesn’t want to speak to me. Every time I try and get a conversation she says “Don’t start”. And I back off because I don’t want to get her mad. I know she’s unhappy at her parents house. She calls me for help whenever my kids aren’t behaving and to straighten them out by talking to them. I want to tell her to handle it by herself since she wants to be by herself but I don’t want to fight with her anymore. I wanna give her all the support I can give her even tho I’m not there. I know she can’t do it by herself. But she wants to struggle. She can live here in my apartment whenever she opens her eyes. I hope she opens her eyes soon. I can’t say that I’m over her because I’m still in love with her and I want to love her the way I never did when we were together. She wanted attention and affection and I never gave that to her. And now that’s all I want to give her. I wanna do all the things she wanted. To hold her hand. Kiss her. Hug her. Cuddle with her. The small things I took for granted. Roxanne, my eyes opened up the moment she started not caring anymore. I’m not telling you to do that. But kinda back off and give him space and he’ll come around. I’m rooting for you.

  12. What if your grown (25yr) daughter would be upset if you reconcile with ex husband ( who isn’t her father). What if she won’t accept it?

  13. I have been married for 28 years and have seperated from my husband for nearly two years.

    I still feel very guilty as he has no friends and his family are very distant to him
    Because of his personality.

    I have left him before a couple of times but always ended up going back to him.

    I do not earn that much but just abt managing to make ends meet.

    He also is a hoarder and that really makes me angry as I like my house to be clean.

    I have suffered mentally and physical abuse and I know if I had not taken this step I would have ended up being depressed.

    I am lonely but I feel I am at peace.
    I am 58 years old and I work full time but sometimes I feel I also want to leave the working world
    But cannot do that as I am own.

    My husband wants me back for the company as he is lonely and also in years to come I would have to end up nursing him as he suffers from Atrial fibileration which eventually leads to a heart failure.

    I all most see him most weekends and we go out as well.
    But sometimes he iratate me so much and I lose my patience with him.

    I just don’t know what the right thing to do.

    Looking forward to hearing from you.


  15. Omg, you poor thing! You’re young and have been through so much! Don’t be manipulated by this man/child anymore. You deserve better!

  16. Hello everyone,
    This is a bit of a long story and I am gonna try to shorten it a little bit, but here it goes.
    My husband and I had been together since I was 16, (Now 21), and we married when I was 18 years old. He was always a bit older than me… 7 years older than me. He was 23 when we got together. I know, I know I was young, but yes in my state it is legal. Anyway, at first I was just head over heels for him. I felt as though he made me feel like the only person in the world, and with me growing up with confidence issues, it was something I was not used to. I think back now, and I believe I was in love with the idea of love. I was in love with the idea of marriage and the perfect wedding. I was sorely mistaking when I thought of those things, but I do now realize. We married when I was 18, and everything was great. A couple months before, we had broken up because I felt as though he was extremely childish and needed to do some growing up. Well, about maybe a week, I am not completely sure, went by and he calls me. He was extremely upset and such and was talking about suicide. Well, he ended up taking almost a whole bottle of pills while he was on the phone with me, and ended up being very disoriented and such. I ended up having to call his mother, (he had moved back in with her), to go and check on him after I told her what he had done. He was sitting in his car in their drive way and was foaming at the mouth and all. Well, he ended up on the psychiatric floor at the hospital for almost a week. After he got out, we ended up getting back together. Well, we got married and things at that time were great. About maybe a little less than a month went by, and he turns into this completely different person. No where near what he used to be like. It was like he did a complete 360 with himself. Well, I thought it would change and things would go back to normal, but they never did. This past year, (2018), he pushed me to my limit and i left for about a week and went and stayed with my mom, just to give us both some space. We were constantly arguing. We could not be in the same room without arguing. Well, he ended up asking me to come back and told me that if things were not different within so and so amount of time that we would separate. Now, he has told me many times that he would change, that he was going to go and get his GED and go to school to better himself, and a bunch of other empty promises. He has been promising me these things for about 3 years now. So, I came back deciding that I owed it to myself to give my marriage another go, because I did not want to marry just to turn around and get divorced. Well, things never changed. They had gotten worse. My brother divorced his wife because she was cheating on him for a year before he found out. He moved in with us. Well, my husband and brother are best friends. They have been for a long time. They also love to play the game on the Xbox. Well, that is all they did. My husband would go to work, come home and get on the game for the rest of the day and most of the night. I would be ignored completely. We ended up arguing even more. I would lay in our bedroom by myself for hours and he never checked on me, and I would end up going to bed by myself, crying myself to sleep because I felt like I was not worth his attention. I would try to go and speak with him about our problems, telling him, ” hey you know we need to talk about these things and try to figure out a solution.” He would just laugh in my face and ignore me. Well, I ended up telling him to remember those days because I tried to come to him and work on things. I told him one day he would realize it and he would want to try then and by the time that it happened, I would be at my wits end and not care anymore. Well, what do you think happened? Months went by and day after day I slowly began to not care anymore. Well, when he realized everything he came to me. I told him the words I had said that day, and he got mad. During the next couple months he had constantly accused me of cheating on him. No matter how many times I would prove it to him that I wasn’t he would still accuse me anyway. I got tired of being blamed for something I did not do. I was always told “If your significant other is constantly saying you are cheating, it is probably because they have a guilty conscious.” Anyway…. he left on his own accord not very long ago, after he flipped out about me trying to get him up for work. In the 5 years that I have been with him, I have never been afraid of him, and I was truly afraid of him that day because he got so angry, and got so loud and started breaking things. Well, he packed all of his things except a few smaller things and he left. He went back to his mothers. Now, we live in a house that my grandmother bought for me. Its a small single wide, and I am currently still in school and not able to work. She paid all of the bills here and agreed to as long as I got my education done and got a good job and then I could take over. Well, he works full time…when he goes in… and pays his car payment, insurance, and phone bill. He never offered to pay anything here or take responsibility. He has never known the full responsibility of living on his own, and he is almost 28 years old. I feel as though he is still very childish, and he lacks major communication skills. He will not go and get his GED and no matter what I do to try and motivate him, it never works.

    Anyway, we went and signed the divorce papers, and I filed them and then he begins to constantly want to battle me to get me back. One minute he is saying that I can take my time and figure out what I want, then the next he is all depressed and talking about wanting to die and then he is trying to rush me into making a decision. I am struggling with myself mentally, physically, and emotionally because on top of all of this between him and I, I lost my grandmother last month. She was the person I always went to that could provide me clarity. I honestly do not know what to do with the situation between him and I, because I am ready to move on with my life, and start paying myself some attention. I have always been constantly worried about everyone else, and I feel like with him I am raising a 28 year old man. I want someone to grow with, and achieve things, and motivate each other. Someone with initiative and such, but I love my husband. I really do, but I can’t figure out what to do no matter how deep within myself I look. I am not sure that I am looking for anyone to give me answers here, but I thought that it may help to just type it all out. If anyone has any advice, feel free! Thank you for reading, I appreciate it.

  17. I’m accidentally discovered my husband of 32 yrs
    cheated on me when I was very sick and just as our daughter was about to become engaged.

    When confronted, it took days for him to finally admit to it. We immediately separated and the sordid details eventually came out. It was carefully planned for him to participate in a foursome (with one the same age as his faughter) that a friend of his encouraged him to try. I was so disgusted.

    At the advice of my clergy, I decided to give marriage counseling a try; I didn’t want to give up on the vows I’d taken. After 2 months, I discovered he’d gone to a meetup about open marriage. I was hysterical.

    In order to get him to agree to a post nuptial agreement, and said after it was signed, I’d return to counseling. He has been seeing his own therapist and eventually moved back in. He’s been helpful and has planned some dates, but he is impatient that we haven’t made as much progress towards reconciliation as he thinks we should have, and the thought of being intimate with him again terrifies me.

    Am I fooling myself that I can learn to love him again?
    Ive been trying so hard to work on reconciling due to the upcoming wedding.

  18. I have been physically separated from my husband for one year but emotionally for two after I found out he was cheating. We were married for 17 years before all this came down. He went into a crazy downward self destructive path after he got involved with this person. He ended up losing almost everything including his brilliant career, savings, business, our home, and ultimately us, my daughter and I, his family. His discard of us was cruel, manipulative and with malice. He gave me two years to get my life together. He gave a list of things I needed to accomplished by July 2019. He was so cold and never showed any compassion or pity even though I have stayed to cared for him and our daughter and had not work for 15 years. He destroyed his relationship with his daughter with his lies, his lies became pathological and sick. He had her convinced that I was “sick” and I was making up stories and wanted to destroyed the family, he denied his affair till all the truth came out and it was our teenage daughter who paid the biggest price. I knew he was lying, I knew he was deceitful, I knew he was playing games but he was so powerful and I was so weak from the pain of losing my family. I eventually moved out a year ago in November and started to put my life together slowly, last year was very hard because in the middle of my own struggles trying to survived, heal and have stability for my daughter (a senior in HS) he will come back to us in cycles of push and pull. He will profess his love for us and his remorse, we will get our hopes up and as soon as he showed up, he will disappeared. He will blame us if we dared to confront him. My daughter and I, separately began recognizing the pattern. His relationship was of a toxic nature, alcohol, maybe drugs and of course breakups and hookups. Every time he will breakup with her, he will look for us. Moving forward to today, January 2019. My ex, of course is back with and “Epiphany” he thinks and swear that he has “clarity” He knows now that my boundaries are very clear and my red lines aren’t in sand. He recognizes that he is “dealing with a different person”. In his words “He wants his family back”. When he first contacted me in December, crying and for the first time apologizing for what he have done to the family and for all the horrible things he did to me and our daughter. I felt this rush of energy and optimism, the love was still there along with the hope. I gave a name to my “hope” last year “malignant optimism”, took it from a book I read on NPD. I felt alive from the day of that phone call until we started spending “dating” time together. I need guidance of others, I need to identify if I am listening to my intuition or if I am listening to my hurt feelings. Do I love him still or did I feel out of love with him. Maybe I have’t heal completely yet. Should I give time? Should I just file for Divorce finally and close this chapter, because I know in mu guts that he will never change. Whoever reads this and resonates with their experience, please reply. Thank you. (I am a second language speaker, my apologies for grammatical, editing errors)

    1. Tina – I am sorry for the pain that your daughter and you have suffered. I do not have much time to write now, but I think you know in your heart whether you can trust him and whether he has changed. In my experience, I have wanted many times to trust my husband and think he has changed, but he’s always eventually showed his true colors (that his abusive behavior had not changed).

  19. I have been in a rough marriage coz of his temper n anger now we’re staying separate.. but even today after so much of hurt humiliation n violence i have forgiven him… I’m not able to forget my life’s 21 year’s given to him …today after separating I’m suffering more i want to get back again and live a happy life but i don’t know what is in store for me..I’m tired mentally and physically and from the core of my soul

    1. Monica – I am sorry that you are facing this. In my own life, I feel it has truly been the choice between “a rock and a hard place.” I’ve been separated from my husband for 2 years now. I am in a much better spot emotionally, not fearing his behavior and abuse or bring subject to the intense verbal abuse. But I still struggle with depression and anxiety. I have grown stronger and more resolute in my commitment to not pursue reconciliation unless my husband can take responsibility/accountability and address and correct his abusive behavior and beliefs. But then I feel stuck in limbo, not able to move on with my life either way because he is not doing what he needs to in order to reconcile.

  20. My wife and I have been together for 12 years and married for one year (married March 23rd, 2017). She divorced me on November 6th, 2018. We have two kids together ages 3 and 7. A boy and a girl. Around 10 years into our relationship, we separated over my verbal abuse. While we were working it out, she cheated on me. It destroyed me completely. I prayed for months, and somehow we got back together. We never resolved these problems between us. My anger over her cheating kept coming up. In December of 2017, I put my hands on her. In April she pressured me to move in with her to a new place. I refused at first because of our unresolved problems and fighting. Eventually, I gave in and moved in with her and our kids. We argued for an entire month. In May, she served me with a restraining order. I had to leave with nothing. In June I contested the order for visitation with my kids. I won supervised visitation with them. Two days later at work I was arrested. She filed a criminal complaint and for divorce. Three months later I was tried for felony domestic violence. I was convicted. I know this sounds terrible. She was my best friend and the love of my life. I feel I was for her as well. I have a hard time every day. I don’t know where I belong anymore? I want to reconcile with her someday. I’m in a batterer’s intervention program. I go to counseling, and I also meet with a marriage therapist. I’m changing my life around, because I don’t want to be the man I was. I want to be who I used to be when she first fell in love with me. Does anyone have any advice??? Please.

    1. Speaking from the positions of your wife, keep making the changes you need to make tonbr the man you want to be. If you both are committed to reconciliation, then you will have the opportunity to show her younhave changed and rebuild the trust and respect you’ve lost. And definitely leverage couples therapy!

  21. Hello, me and my ex husband has divorced twice!! There was error on both parts, he started cheating and me being spiteful i did also. We have 3 children together and 1 that is not his from a relationship before him. Ive went through so many things with him and we were married for 5 years together a total of 9. Recently i moved and lost my job and got into a finacial bind, out of desperation i moved him in to help. Very quickly i realized why we seperated, we had no communication nor trust. He says all the right things but when it comes to actions..well its a hit or miss. I want to move on with my life bc i think there is someone better. I dont wont to string him along but i feel the damage is so severe to me that i may never trust him again. I went to jail for fighting him bc i caught him with another woman and he often plays on my insecurities. Today when i came home there was roses and flowers, a bear and a card where he apologized for his behavior. I don’t know what to think, like is it just a game hes playing or is he foreal. im very confused at this point and i am interested in another man whom ive never been sexual with nor actually met. We are from the same home town and he has qualities that reminds me of my dad whom i admire so….not sure what to do at this point.

  22. My husband and I have been together for seventeen years and married for eleven of those years. He has always had a pornography problem since we first moved in together fifteen years ago. We broke up several times because he constantly lied and I constantly found his lies. Finally after on and off for several years he asked me to marry him. I told him yes and that he could have his porn regardless of how I felt about his lies and what it did to me mentally. I did tell him that if I ever found that he hid or lied to me about porn again then we would be through. Well… Just found out that he has been looking at porn behind my back for the past five years. Even when he was allowed to have his movie collection on Adam and Eve and in our closet. Two children later. We just bought a beautiful new home. I just finished school and this is when I found out about him. My world fell apart. I left him and we have filed for divorce. I feel like this huge weight has lifted and for the first time I am living and responsible for me and my children. Our final divorce paperwork is in two weeks.He wants me to change my mind and come home. He wants to get counseling because he realizes he has a problem. The torchure on my part is that he so good looking, smart, witty, and an amazing dad. But he is not a good husband. He has always belittled me. He tells me how things are going to go or that in reality his way is the logical way. My gut says finish the divorce but something inside me says no…. Get the counseling. I just don’t want to go through the rest of our lives not trusting him. I am so heart broken as well.

    1. Hi Kristen,

      I read your story and feel a connection, as my husband is addicted to porn also. I was just wondering how things are for you now, what decisions you’ve made?

      My husband and I have been together for over 13 years (married 9.5 yrs), and we’ve been struggling for a couple of years. We got in a huge fight on our 9 yr anniversary and I suggested that maybe we should separate and see if this is really what we want. He was so mad that I said that. He didn’t speak to me for 3 weeks.

      We talked and said we would go to counseling, but I wanted him to go to counseling individually, as well. I have been seeing a therapist for over a year trying to work through my own issues and be a better person. I just wanted him to do that, too.

      Over the past few months, our communication has only gotten worse, to the point that we hardly even talk anymore. He makes no attempt whatsoever to reach out and let me know that he even cares. He’s always on his phone “reading”. I’ve felt so disconnected from him that I stopped having sex with him altogether. It has been about 3 weeks.

      Two weeks ago, we got into an argument and he seemed so cold to me and just completely checked out. It made me suspicious so I checked the history on his computer. I found an article read on getting back out there. When he was taking a nap with our 5 year old, I took his phone when I went to pick up our son.

      I found all kinds of trashy porn subscriptions, and other things that made me feel so betrayed. He was looking for his phone so he knew I had it. When we got back I told the kids to play outside. My husband and I went into our bedroom, and I confronted him in an angry rage. He said, “What?” “What’d you find?” Even though he knew what I had found because I sent screen shots to my phone that he saw on his iPad. I have never been violent with my husband or anyone for that matter, but I just lost it. I threw the phone at him, banged on his chest, cried and kick him. He said, “ What do you expect when you’re not having sex with me?”

      This whole incident took 5 min, but after I threw the phone at him, he started to secretly record me. I tried to leave right away, but he left before I could. So I had my kids and we drove around looking for him. A few hours later 2 cops were waiting for me in my driveway. They arrested me with my kids there, and said, “Don’t worry, your husband is waiting down the street.”

      I had to stay the night in a horrible, disgusting, cold jail. At 5:00 AM the pre-trial judge sentenced me to wear an ankle monitor and not return to my house or have any contact with my husband. A couple hours later, I was served with a restraining order from my husband. This was a first offense and I weigh 120 lbs. He is very strong and muscular.

      He filed for divorce the next day and inquired about selling our house. I couldn’t see or talk to my babies for 4 days after I was ripped from their arms. My son later told me that Daddy said, “Mommy’s not going to live here anymore.” I was so angry, hurt, and confused as to why he would go to such extreme measures over that. I know I shouldn’t have gotten physical with him, but I just can’t believe he would do all of this to the woman that he supposedly loved, the mother of his children.

      I’m so devestated, angry, and confused. The worst part is my kids suffering. They don’t deserve to be put through this. He never even gave me a chance to talk to him about this. He just completely kick me out of my life. I don’t have any family and no where to go. He does have family and could easily stay with any of them.

      I have tried to talk to him. I have apologized, begged, pleaded, everything, but he still won’t drop all of this. I just don’t understand. He deleted the account that I found all of this stuff on. I just know there has to be more to all of this. I don’t know what he was doing online, but it is killing me not knowing. Why?? Even after all of that part of me still loves him, but I know we could probably never trust again. I feel so lost and alone. Any advice? – Marie

  23. This article really hits hard. I am pleased to say I have had the pleasure of reading it. Thank you so much for the wonderful advice and allowing me to be my own questionnaire.

  24. Hello

    I grew up with my ex husband since 17 years old, married at age 23, and divorced at age 27. Right before I filed for divorce he had become very close to an older woman he worked with (45 years old) and they were always “friends” and still are “just friends” to this very day. A few months after divorce I reached out to him while he was having “party single time” I reached out to him after a long year of trying with him he refused to give up this older woman friend, so fine I left him alone. Now 11 months after that he began to text me Oct 2017. We out hung out once and then had an “ignore period” I thought one thing and he thought another thing after we hung hence the silence, but anyways he reached back out to me few weeks ago and of course yet again he poured his heart out to “I miss you, I love you, I want a future with you, I want you to move down with me and lets get re-married/start a family”. Well he wants to be “friends” very first and build from this friendship, we text almost every day, phone calls here and there and hang out once a month, while he continues to be “friends” with this other woman. And when I call them friends, they spend almost every weekend together, they travel together, they sleep next to each/have sex when together, they’ve basically dated for years now without the title. He doesn’t pursue the official title because he 1-wants me back and 2-wants to be with a woman who can give him children (she’s 18 years older than us). He said once he knows and feels he and I are good friends then he’ll say his goodbyes to this older woman friend and then focus on just he and I/become a couple again. He knows all of my concerns with this older woman, and I understand about being friends, as right after divorce when I called him I became very jealous of his friendship with this older woman which he and I have discussed and overcame it now. But he said I need to prove I can be his friend first, not be jealous of her and once I prove that he’ll walk away from her 100%. Yes deep down a am a little hurt/jealous but REFUSE to act out on it. I am so confused, and hurt, like he messaged me this time around! Why cannot he not rip the bandaid off from this woman? He tried dating other women over the summer but no success/no match and his woman friend become possessive and pushed him for a relationship with her in return he said NO I don’t love you like that and I want kids. Why he is still holding onto to her? Is this normal to become friends again like this (text/few calls, hang out here and there) before proceeding with any kind of future? I don’t want to wait and wait and wait around like I did for the entire year (even tho I had mess up’s) and still have my heart broken esp since I’ve grown so much as a woman. IF ANYONE has similar case or any advice/opinions etc please reach out to me.

    1. Oh boy, Jamie! Your ex sounds like he has moved on very quickly and this shows little sadness or grieving time for him. I think he is manipulating you by expecting younot to be jealous but that’s just from what you have written. You don’t mention why you divorced and so those reasons should be looked at -are those issues still there? This other woman on the scene makes it very hard for anyone to be clear about what they want from a reconciliation. I think you need to write a list of pros and cons of getting back together and examine your motivation and his attitude also. Hope it becomes clearer as you stop and think.

    2. Jamie, he wants you to “prove” yourself to him, THEN, and only then, he will leave the other woman…..honey, he is stringing you along. He wants his cake (any woman he wants at the time ) and eat it too…. (have you when ever he decides, for you to make yourself available to him)! He is not husband material. For your own sake, leave him to his selfish ways and stop letting him manipulate you. He knows what he is doing is wrong!!!! Move on. He is wasting your time. Good luck.

  25. I am married for 6 years, separated since late October, although we discussed it a year before that and decided against it. In hindsight we should have went ahead with it because we’d never have had this past year of Hell. He says if we had done so then, we would have worked it out pretty quickly and got back together. I have moved out but am miserable at my parents house. We don’t have kids together. I have a grown son and a teenaged daughter who wants her room back. We were best friends and so in love and it just kills me that we have reached this point. He has admitted to having an emotional affair and I know her but he has moved on from her and has said he loves me and wants to fix this. His actions don’t always show me that. He’s been unemployed for a while other than odd jobs and is an addict who fell off the wagon for quite a while. He is clean again but there are still people coming around who could trigger his use to start up again quickly if he doesn’t get rid of them. We fought so bad at first when we split up because he was still holding a grudge against my behavior that prompted his original wish to split. I always came home from work and griped and complained about it and took everything out on my family and I regret that. Finally I gave up that behavior and decided it had to stop. And it did. He says he sees the changes I’ve made and we have decided to date each other again. We spent several days together last week while my daughter was away and had the best time. But since then he’s been distant. I asked why and he finally said he felt like we got too comfortable during that time and it was moving too fast. We didn’t have sex even though I sure wanted to but we still had an amazing time holding hands, watching movies and cuddling and I did stay the night all that time with him. I’m scared to death that we won’t make it now that he’s backing off. I’ve barely seen him this week and we had discussed hanging out tonight but he’s blown me off. He keeps saying he’s busy working and fixing things at the house and at other peoples houses and getting things ready for the next day. He has time for everyone and everything but me like he did before last week. I call and he rarely picks up, if I text him I might get a reply, but it could take hours. We have both forgiven each other for our issues and mistakes and I’m assured that the other girl is NOT in his life or thoughts. We have dealt with that and aren’t going to bring that up again. And he says he’s past the stuff I did that hurt him (all the complaining and hateful things I said for a long time). I know it’s my fault that the issues started but the drugs and those who are still coming around that need to go away. I love him with all my heart and every time we see each other he’s sweet and affectionate and he still looks at me like there’s something still there. And he says he just needs time and doesn’t want to mess it up by rushing. It’s been almost 3 months and our original agreement was a month. He is looking for a regular job as far as I know but I can imagine he’d have an easier time finding work with his background than he’s letting on. So I’m not entirely sure that he’s looking as aggressively as he says he is. I talked to him tonight about sexual things that we’ve talked about before and have done (we are really adventurous) and he said it made him feel weird hearing me say those things. Why? I asked if he was still attracted to me especially since we’ve had sex during the separation on several occasions and it was just as great and passionate as ever. He said he was definitely still wanting me physically but he just felt weird with me saying it on the phone. He couldn’t really say why but maybe it’s that he’s trying to take it slow? This is a man who is very sexual so it blows my mind that he’s not trying to rip my clothes off constantly like before. We groped each other every chance we got and now it’s like he just wants to be friends. So yea the actions don’t match the words. He says there’s still love there and that means there’s a chance. So why am I the only one pursuing here? If he’s so willing to fight for it, why doesn’t he seem to be fighting as hard as I am?

  26. My husband of 25 years had an emotional affair it only last a month of texting. We tried to work on it for 3 months I was an emotional wreck. He was completely shattered after seeing how upset I was and started questioning his love for me. Actually he questioned our last 25 years of marriage. I asked him to leave he did. We have been separated for 1 month. He still questions his love stating how could I possibly look at another woman and love you. It has pushed him into a state of saying he’s worthless, no account, I deserve better. Etc. we have 3 children all teenagers. He and I keep on close contact and he comes to our home every weekend and spends all day. All weekend. Mostly just he and I hanging out together the kids come and go. He helps with the everyday chores while there. We haven’t been intimate during this separation .
    I know he loves me by his actions and his kindness. But he continues to question himself and our love.
    I have since asked him to come home and work on our marriage he says no.HELP WHAT SHOULD I DO?

  27. My husband and I separated after being married for 2 years. We have been separated for 3 years now. We have tried off and on to make it work, but each time it ends in heartbreak. I stayed away from him for a year, we both dated someone else, but just a few months ago, he started texting me again. Within the last 2 years, I have strengthened my relationship with God. I am serving in a church ministry and have been working really hard to find myself. I have changed for the better. I am healthier, happier and so full of joy! Since he came back into my life, after telling me that he has changed and he knows what he wants, he has proven to me that he is still the same. He is stealing away my joy and constantly picking on me because I go to church, or that I have a stronger relationship with God. He lives 30 minutes away (on the other side of town), he never asks to visit me, never wants to drive to my house. He tells me that when he is home, he would rather stay on that side of town with his family and my step-son. He rarely sees my daughter or even asks me out on a date. I just don’t really know why he even came back into my life? I was fine before he texted me…but now I’m confused as to what the heck he wants?? HELP!

    1. Hi dear
      You are indeed a brave woman! Its difficult after separation to manage your emotions and also take care of finances and a child. Having said that, people rarely change. If its possible, ask your husband his true intention of coming back to you. If he dodges the question or does not have a clear answer, then he is not being sincere or is still confused. Be open to listening to him amd trust your gut. Also, for your own sanity and happiness continue to participate in church activities or whatever gives happiness at this point. Have you both tried counselling? In some cases it does help, but lot of hard work is required from both the parties in question. I hope you reach in your life soon where you want to be. Sometimes, the things which are right now difficult help us to become a stronger and better person to enjoy our life to the fullest. Make a decision to wait till he changes or accept the situation and move on. Hang in there.

  28. I’ve been separated from my husband for a year. He left me for someone else, and I have tried in every way to let go. But after 28 years of marriage 3 kids and 3 grandchildren I can’t. We have become friends again. I’ve even been friendly towards his girlfriend. Whom he has had an extremely toxic relationship with btw. I hate that it took us separating to see where we each went wrong but it did. I want so bad to try to get it right. I’m never going to stop loving him he is the only man I want.

  29. Me and my husband are separated. We go out on dates to rebuild our marriage, plus we communicate now. We listen to one another, i go to his job and we have lunch together.

    1. How has your reconciliation been ? I am currently starting to date my husband after separation of 3 months.
      He used the whole I love you but not in love with you line with me.
      But suggested we start dating again.

  30. Hi
    I have been with my husband for 24 years married for 15. Had 2 children together and went through loss and financial difficulties together. We were best friends same tastes in spirts we evwn play together and mivies music etc . after a short period of him being absent from the marroage ie. Not helping with the kids or housework etc he started going iut alot with work people who were all women. I totally trusted him and took him to their parties even though i was never invited. Then after a few months he truned super cold for abiut a week and when i confronted him he just said he wasn’t happy, was done trying and was leaving. He always seemed happy until recently and never said a word! I was devestated and when he mived iut he seemed very unhappy. We started to reconnect through the kids and he started to say things like telling the kids we would see him home more etc etc. Then one day my daughter told me she saw him with the work ladies and they were holding hands. I was obviously angry and confused and when i confronted him he denied it and based in what the kids said later it seems to have been a misunderstanding. I have to work towards rwbuilding trust but he has gone cold again with no reconnection. He has been gone 4 minths and this latest cold snap is is a little over a month long. I have been working hard through therapy and educating myself to make myself heal and grow but i am at a loss at how to proceed!!

  31. My wife and I have been separated for 3 weeks now with me moving out. She knows my intention of having the separation is to cool off and evaluate what areas of my personality I need to change and eventually try to make the marriage work. However, I am confused as to why she agreed to the separation in the first place because she asked for a divorce initially. She has told me that she needs time to be alone because we’ve been fighting so much lately (before and after the separation). She also needs time to heal. In addition, she said that she is not in a hurry to file for a divorce. But she wants me to learn to take care of myself, become independent, and find happiness outside of her. She also has told me that she can’t promise after her emotions have healed, she will want to reconcile.
    I guess I’m confused as to whether or not this separation will actually work for us or it’s only delaying the inevitable of her filing for divorce. She tells me that if I ask her now, because she is full of pain and hurt, she wants a divorce. She’s giving me mixed signals. She tells me that she will help me with my rent if I can’t find a job, but she won’t talk to me (all communication have ceased a few days ago after I made the mistake of pleading and begging her for 2 weeks into the separation).
    I want to do what’s right for us and quite frankly at this point, what’s right for her. I never cheated on her, but my inability to control my emotions have led to a lot of verbal abuse towards her and drastic behavior (excessive gambling or taking drugs) during my temporary insanity, sort to speak.

  32. I been married 11 years separated 1year I was 15 when I met him married at 16. Went through a lot of mental and physical abuse. Broke up last year even though he was trying I was sick of it. Now that it’s been a year he got his stuff together and has a good job and is there for our 2 children. Wants to be a family again and support us. I’m nervous about it because he’s the money maker he’ll have the power and he can be a bit controlling.
    I also found a new boyfriend he is very sweet to me and kids but he has no source of income. I’m supporting us. I’m happy with him but having no money and no support from him is starting to get to me.
    I’m thinking of taking back my husband.

  33. Been married 16 years this year, with this last one being toughest. My wife moved upstairs to another room in Nov 2016 after a stupid argument, But this felt much more. I had an emotional affair in April/May and while nothing happened, I devestated her heart. I have made some mistakes over the years by lying about money and where it was going..basically all trust with her is now gone and I feel gutless and empty. I love her so much, despite her shutting me out. She joined a recovery group at our church in DEC, and said i was emotionally abusive (i will never ever hit a woman).. So i decided to do my own recovery from all the things that destroyed my marriage. THe lying, deception, and I am just crushed. Tonight i found a message on her computer that some guy wants to meet her for coffee. We are separated now and it was heart breaking to read that. I am working on changing myself and my habits/problems that lead to the decay of our marriage. Only thru Christ I can change and I will be listening for God’s voice to tell me where to go / what to do next. I am praying for reconciliation, and love the idea of dating my wife again. But right now, it feels hopeless.

  34. Hi,I’ve been in separation with my husband for 5years now.3 years back my first born told me that her father is dating someone.So I decided to move on with my life.I tried to file for divorce but our process is very slow.I’m starting to feel jealous about the partner that he is with.He also asked me to reconcile with him,he left that woman.He wants to see his family back together.He will never sign those divorce papers.I’m now feeling something for him,yet I still have someone I’m still dating.I don’t know what to do.I don’t know how to tell the person I’m dating that I’m ready to try to make my marriage work.The sad part is that this man tried all he can to put food on the table for my kids.He tried so much to make my kids happy,but my heart miss my house now.Should I tell him how I feel or should tell my husband we can take it slow while I’m still trying to end this relationship.My husband doesn’t know about this person.

  35. I just found out 5 weeks ago My husband after 15 years has been unfaithful 7 times in our marriage and before this also. I thought he was a loyal man and utterly shocked by this behaviour. He portrayed himself so well until i found evidence of past infidelities! I asked him to leave, no second chance. He has since had a breakdown and in counselling. We have 3 beautiful children. What a waste. As much as i see his pain now i told him i cannot take him back as i have to much respect for myself. I continue to be amicable for the childrens sake as he is a good dad but my small inner voice says walk away with your head held high which is what I’ve done because i deserve better and i am strong!

    1. Amanda Goncalves Sy

      Good for you. Over a year now for you. I would love to hear how you are getting on. I have separated with my husband who does not want to separate but I feel so let down by him and I’m very confused. That’s why I’m on this site but loved reading your post. You sound strong and I hope it’s all working out for you. Amanda

    2. Wow! Good for you. Separated after leaving an emotionally abusive husband and turned violent once. He desperately wants to get back together and has since HAD to leave how per court order. I’m here with my one year old son and 8 hours away from family and friends. He has a very high profile job making over 300K and I am a stay at home mom. I already called off our first wedding for the same reasons and we got back together. I am done. I don’t care if my lifestyle changes or if I stay single for all eternity. I’m not going back with this man and reading your story makes me all the more sure of myself. I’m worth far more.

  36. My husband suddenly left our family months ago for another woman, who we both knew from our neighborhood association. He filed for divorce and immediately moved to another state with her. Now my husband wants to reconcile, after a year apart. I’m struggling to decide but I think I can’t be with him again. Some bells just can’t be unrung.

    1. Wow sorry to hear that. I agree it would be difficult to ever trust him again after the betrayal and abandonment, unless you could see that he has significantly changed and was completely remorseful and seeking forgiveness, realized what an awful decision he had made, etc. but could he guarantee he would never think to do that again !?

  37. My wife and I split 9-15 we both cheated on each other and That was the main cause for the collapse of our marriage. I worked to much and neglected we feelings. When I found out about what she was doing I was so hurt I turned off emotionally completely. We went on for another 6 years and I started to cheat on her. In my mind I blamed her for the problems. I was to short sighted to see what my actions did to her. During the divorce process we spoke about trying again and, and again I shut her out. I started to see a counselor 8 months ago and he’s helped me to see how a lot of the problems we had were mine. I grew up in a very bad home with abuse and mental abuse as well. I didnt know how to have a loving relationship cause I never saw one. I realize now How lost I truly am without her. I spoke to her about my feelings but she is dating now. I feel hopeless cause I feel I threw away the best thing in my life and don’t know what to do.

  38. Hi. Married for 23 years. Mentally and emotionally abused for most. Separated for 1.5 years…. divorce in progress. Husband wants to reconcile. He’s been in therapy for 4 months. Claimed ownership for his part. During the separation I met a man that i like. I am now conflicted. It is very tumultuous- i am agonizing over which path to take. Monetarily, things were great with my husband. I never had a want. This new guy has made my decision to give my marriage another try more complicated.
    I am going back and forth in my head, and the stress is intense.
    Long history with husband, children together, he knows me so well, the comfort level etc….
    But what if it goes back to the way it was????
    I am stuck!

    1. Sorry for your difficult situation. I don’t have advice, but I wish you clarity and confidence as you decide if you should reconcile with your husband. I completely agree with your worry of him being abusive again/returning to the same situation. That is what I am most scared of in my own situation. Things were so incredibly bad the two times I had to separate from my husband that I wanted to die (I don’t otherwise have a problem with depression, but the abuse was so bad that I saw death as the only way to end it). Now, we’ve been separated for 7 months and I resonate so much with the “reasons you should not reconcile.” I feel better and happier without him. But maneuvering divorce is such a overwhelming and scary thought. We have three young children and I fear most for their safety and not being there to protect them if he were able to get some kind of custody. His parents also are abusive, toxic people and I fear not being able to protect my kids from them either. I’ve been a stay at home mom for six years now and I can’t imagine being able to find a job to support my children and myself on my own.

      1. Hi Mara, I understand completely. Fortunate for me, my 3 children are grown, so it’s only me I have to worry about – and I still worry!
        Like you, I am not a career woman. I have just completed a medical coding course, and hope to become certified soon.
        I ask myself this question a lot….. if I had a crystal ball, and I knew I would succeed and not fall…… would I go back to my husband? My answer usually is probably not.
        Most of my conflict is due to fear. False Evidence Appearing Real!
        Sure, I can go back to him. I would have security, money problems would be gone, but will I truly be happy?
        My husband has been my safety net for many, many years. He knew that too…..
        I cringe at the thought of being under his thumb, but yet I still entertain the thought of a reconciliation……LOL

        1. Good Job on taking steps to be able to financially support yourself! From reading what you said, it seems like the main reason you would reconcile is the financial security that your husband provided, which he also took advantage of to control you. My situation hasn’t changed since my last writing. I feel like I only see “the life” if I reconcile With my husband. I feel my love and trust in him has been completely destroyed and I don’t want to make myself vulnerable to that intense kind of hurt ever again. I believe mature love is a choice, but I don’t know if choosing to love him is a wise choice. His mental illness (bipolar with psychosis) compounds the problem, and he is still not completely well either. My kids and I were ripped from our home and our lives and I still don’t feel we have a life or a future where we are. I just don’t know where to go from here. I am so fearful of the legal process of divorce and custody and what is best for my children and also how can I support them on my own?

          I honestly feel if my children were grown up it would be a lot easier to make the decision to separate for good, which is what I feel I would choose at this point.

          i can understand how divorce rates have increased as women have been empowered by the financial freedom that a career brings. You don’t really have freedom to leave if you don’t have the means to support yourself…

        2. Married for amost 8 years, together for 10, recently separated after his anger, fueled by alcohol this time, caused him to assault someone (not me). He has been verbally, psychologically abusive, manipulative, and very secretively controlling. He has been physically intimidating, throwing hinges, following me yelling/criticizing. He is also definitely mentally ill, which is no excuse but an exacerbator. We have only been apart a short time, but we have not figured out any plans yet for the separation, basically me and my PTSD from him cannot take it anymore and I told him he can’t come home. I have been working on my list of boundaries and what I may have done to contribute to his anger, while understanding that my part has nothing to do with justifying or excusing his anger or behavior. I guess I’m just lost and confused about how to try and structure a plan for separation and reconciliation. I have been looking everywhere for examples of rules he should need to follow, but I have been so warped by what is right and what is wrong I can’t find in my heart to decide what I really need.

          1. The best resource I found was a book written by Leslie Vernick, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. It takes you step by step through it all. I definitely recommend you get it ASAP. She also has a Facebook page and a website with a blog and tons of useful articles.

            One thing I will tell you, is that no reconciliation can happen (successfully) unless your spouse first acknowledges his issues and takes the steps necessary to rectify his wrong behavior and beliefs.

            Here is one article I was able to find with a quick search:

  39. Thank you for writing this, it is very helpful! My husband is pressuring me and rushing me to reconcile but I am not ready. Our young children and I had to leave because it wasn’t healthy or safe for us (he has been in a manic episode with psychosis which results in him being extremely irritable, emotionally abuaive, aggressive, and make many irresponsible, impulsive, destructive decisions). I am happier and healthier without him, but Getting divorced scares me (worrying about custody of the kids and their well being). I also don’t know how I could rebuild my life apart from him since I haven’t worked outside the home for six years now.

    One of the things that scare me
    Is that he still isn’t back to his baseline. He seems okay won’t our limited contact, but I can tell he is putting on a front. The one time I was alone with him , he started the angry verbal abuse just like before.

  40. Thank you for writing this, it is very helpful! My husband is pressuring me and rushing me to reconcile but I am not ready. Our young children and I had to leave because it wasn’t healthy or safe for us (he has been in a manic episode with psychosis which results in him being extremely irritable, emotionally abuaive, aggressive, and make many irresponsible, impulsive, destructive decisions). I am happier and healthier without him, but Getting sicorved scares me (worrying about custody of the kids and their well being). I also don’t know how I could rebuild my life apart from him since I haven’t worked outside the home for six years now.

    One of the things that scare me
    Is that he still isn’t back to his baseline. He seems okay won’t our limited contact, but I can tell he is putting on a front. The one time I was alone with him , he started the angry verbal abuse just like before.

  41. Hello Rachelle,

    I don’t give advice about reconciliation after separation, or relationships, or life – so there is no way to contact me! If you need marriage advice, please follow the Mort Fertel Marriage Coach link in my article – he gives free advice to couples.

    If you are in distress, please call a local women’s helpline. I’m not a counselor, and I can’t tell anyone what to do with their lives – nor do I know how to counsel women through crisis situations. Please, call a local organization for in-person help — or get in touch with the marriage coach I listed if you need help with your relationship.

    I wish you all the best – I hope you find the help you need. If you’d like to share your story here, I may be able to give some thoughts — but I don’t give advice and can only share what the Spirit whispers in my ear.

    In peace and passion,

  42. Dear Amy,

    I hear your confusion about your husband’s behavior – why does he want to spend time with you and your kids as a family, when you are separated from him and don’t want to reconcile? He may not want to talk about reconciliation either, or perhaps he’s reluctant to bring it up because he’s scared of rejection.

    It seems to me that your husband is having a hard time letting go. He really does love you and his kids, and he knows your family life is over. I think he loves the idea of you all as a family together….but he doesn’t want to be faithful. I think he’s having a hard time saying good-bye to his family and spending time together. It actually seems to make a lot of sense to me; he loves you all but doesn’t want to be married and faithful. He wants the family part, but not the “fidelity to the wife” part.

    Your husband may also be processing his grief and loss about the separation and upcoming divorce. He may not want to talk about reconciliation – or not know how to reconcile – but he is sad that your marriage is over. He’s finding it difficult to just walk away. Maybe he even regrets his actions.

    I can’t continue to guess what your husband might be feeling, but I encourage you to take time to think about what you want in your relationship with him. When you figure that out, then set your boundaries so you can protect and take care of yourself.

    Questions for you:

    How do you want to see your relationship with your ex-husband unfold? Start making decisions that take you in that direction.

    What does “family life” mean to you now that you are separated? This may be an ongoing process that changes as you all do, but for today and this week…how do you want to live as a family?

    Who is someone you trust that you can talk through your separation with? Processing your thoughts and feelings is really important. Writing is especially important, because it’s healing and it can help you figure out what you really think and need.

    I hope this helps, and wish you all the best as you move forward in your life. Feel free to come back here anytime and let me know how you’re doing!


  43. My husband and I separated about 4 months ago. The main reason was that he was cheating and showed no effort to change. While I was staying with him he cheated and lied and there was no reason for me to trust him. I stayed with him for about 2 years after I found about the affair but he continued to lie about ending it. Finally I asked him to move out. Since we have separated i am very clear to him that I dont want to be friends with him but he behaves as if everything is normal. He will spent time with the kids every week, take them out. He even insists i accompany them. He got me gifts on my bday and celebrated our anniversary and took me and the kids on vacation as well. Niether of us have spoken of reconciliation nor I am interested. What I dont understand is if he is involved with someone else (the reason for separation) then why does he wants to spend time with me and celebrate bdays and anniversaries? Should I clarify? Or let it be…has any one experienced similar situation?

  44. Dear Shad,

    It sounds like you need to give your husband another chance. You want to save your marriage for your family, for yourself, and even for him…and that is an honorable and understandable desire. Unity and connection is in our nature! We were built to be together, to experience life together.

    When you’re trying to decide if you should reconcile with your husband after a separation, you really need to know that you have given your marriage every chance of surviving. You need to know that you did everything you could. If you walk away too early, you might regret it.

    It’s very wise to go slowly. Give your husband time to really settle into the changes he said he’s made. It’s easy to say “I want to work on our marriage” or “let’s save our relationship”….but it’s more difficult to actually do the things that save marriages.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. May you listen to that still small voice that is always there to guide you. May you be strong and courageous, and not swayed by fears or insecurities. May you take your time as you decide if reconciliation is the best step for you and your family.


  45. My husband and I were married for 7 years when we separated. This year, One year later, I filed for divorce but when I was about to have him served he reached out to me and told me that he would like to work on our marriage. When we were married there were no issues relating to abuse or infidelity, but there were issues relating to commitment to family, and putting family first, which had always come very easy for me because I had a much different upbringing than my husband. I felt like I was both the man and the woman of the home , I felt alone, single most times, and very unhappy. I worked from home, so I would stay on my computer much later past the end of the work day. In many ways I blamed myself, as I let some of the issues go on for much longer and allowed my husband to make excuses for him not pulling his weight in the home. We took vacations at different times in the year, because I planned mine around the kids schedule and he did not. I hated my life after a while, I would get upset when he came home, and I just wanted to be alone, since this was how I felt in the relationship. We tried counseling, but the pastor was inconsistent and so was my husband. My husband would not move out of our rented home, so I took the kids and left. After months apart we have been in communication because of our 3 year old. We have been open about dating other people during the time that we were apart, as I felt there was definitely someone out there that could be a better man to me. At present we are no longer dating other people, and I feel like I owe it to him to see how he has changed and to see if there is a chance for us. I know sometimes it is said that we should not stay in a relationship for the kids, but I feel like I have an obligation to try, to see if we can reconcile to make our family whole. We live separately, and I do not feel that this should change at this point. He has asked me out, and comes to spend a few hours with us, and we plan on starting counseling. I want to take things slow, I feel really confused about everything and the reconciliation process, I am just taking baby steps at this point. Any advice?

  46. My husband and I separated recently. We’ve been married for 16 months now and it’s been an abusive relationship in all types of way. I want to figure out myself and fix my own issues so I can be a great mom and wife but I feel like is a waste of time to try to fix my marriage because it’s broken down and I’m emotionally drained and I just want to focus on my kids. And I feel it’s unfair for me to try to fix something that I’m the only one that’s putting effort into. I’m so confused.

  47. Ive been divorced for over a yr now im miserable an so is he but he has been sick for about 10 yrs of our marriage we were married 25 yrs he was verbally abusive at times an to our 3 children they are all grown now he wants to reconcile ive tried 2 other times but we end up fightin because he says stuff to offend me. I still love him an he really needs me he doent have anyone else that voice I hear it sayin try but I dont know my kids are upset that I even talk to him still. But I know its not their decision to make its mine

  48. I neglected my spouse of love and affection, let her down, used her past against her. She put me down, didn’t value the little things I’d do for her while she was studying, told me I wasn’t good enough that I didn’t deserve things because I didn’t make enough to cover our monthly expenses. through our 5+ years of marriage my mother never accepted her and my parents were going through some martial problems also. Instead of finding a balance and keeping my foot down to protect my wife, I lashed out and didn’t prevent anything from happening. She has asked for a divorce and I agreed. But deep down inside it doesn’t feel right, she feels it’s the right thing but wants to remain friend’s and hopefully if I turn hell inside out for her she’ll take me back. I had not seen her since June. We met so she can tell me her divorce decision, she returned only to pack her things and we talked, cried and held each other tight. I feel like we’ve bonded even more than ever. Yet continues with the divorce proceedings and told me she needs time to heal. I will do everything I can to make things right. I love her very much and ever day I must carry my cross, the burden of hurting my wife. I hope and pray that she takes me back so that we can achieve the goals that we once shared. I dearly miss her.

  49. Sometimes outside opinions only complicate matters and make things more confusing. The only person who knows you, your partner, and your relationship is you. That’s why it can be a mistake to ask for advice about reconciling after a separation — because only you know the details that other people can never know.

    So, I ask you….what is holding you back from reconciliation? What is the block, the obstacle, the thing that is stopping you from giving this relationship a second chance?

  50. I am just so confused. My husband & I have known each other 18 yrs, 13 of which he ‘chased’ me, together a yr & now married almost 4 yrs. Last yr I found him talking to other women online, after a lot of fighting both due to that & him not holding a job, we seperated for 8 mos. I have moved back thinking we need to give each other another chance, he has now got a stable job, telling me I can stay home. Well, I am staying home since I did take care of him for years but he promised counseling, take care of even my petty things, like keeping my hair nicely cut (petty). I’ve been back almost 2 mos now & still no counseling, haven’t had my hair cut since moving back, I just internally am questioning my decision to come back. I notice my happiness was mostly during our seperation which leads me to ask myself ‘Did I make the right decision?’ I do love him, as he does me BUT am I crazy to say that sometimes love just isn’t enough. So, I guess I post this looking for outside opinions/knowledge. Please help.

    1. I’m not sure you will ever get this as it is now almost a year after you posted it. My husband and I are separated. (Together 11 yrs married 8) This is our third separation (I know..jaw drop). The first time we had financial difficulties and I lost my job. We rented (always have) and he was stressed about “making it” bc he had just started his new business. I came home from being out of town at a family event to an empty house. It only took him a week before he was begging to work things out. I moved to my parents three hours away for two months. Second time was three years ago. He said he just couldn’t do it anymore and he just wanted “to date me”. I was furious and told him it’s marriage or no contact. That didn’t last long at all bc I ran to him when I needed something (the man stuff likecar issues etc. and I had no family or guy friends within hours of me). We dated each other and things were great. I loved it and he again begged me back after a two year separation (dating). I didn’t want to go back as I felt safe knowing he couldn’t wreck my world by forcing me to move again but eventually I did. He wanted me to change things about myself during both separation periods (I hate cooking) but I never tried or wanted to do it. (When together, We had a clean house but he felt I didn’t do my share enough. I work part time but it’s physical work so I was extremely tired all the time). He still wanted me back. We moved in together again a little over a year ago and as soon as our lease was up he asked for a divorce. This time is different. It feels very different. I feel the loss and I feel I failed. I should have taken things more seriously but in my mind all I wanted was to just be around him…that simple. We’ve been separated again for a month. This time we fought more and he fought to take more things like all our holiday decor. He has contacted me once saying he hurts everyday and that he’s worried about me and wants me to be okay. I asked him what he wanted from me and if he was trying to be friends with me and he said he doesn’t want anything from me. It’s hard and I feel like I’m on a really bad rollercoaster. He was the only man I have ever really wanted. I was single before him for a long time bc I wasn’t interested in anyone…like no one, lol. Now I feel I’m back to finding out that I still want no one else. I haven’t really tried to date. It’s too soon and it’s so hard to let go. I almost fight with myself to not let go…why? I also wonder if all the websites tell you to learn what you did wrong and not do that in the next relationship why not just work to not do it with the person you love. Don’t get me wrong he was not perfect at all. Communication sucked, he made huge financial decisions without me, made all the plans and told me last minute but I have this deep yerning to be around him. It like I’m pissed and feel betrayed but love him too. I fight to not text him and I want to update him when good things happen in my day but at the same time the betrayal also makes me not want to hear from him or maybe just fear I won’t hear what I want. I just feel like I have a lot of work to do on myself. Motivation to cook and plan meals bc I suck at it. I just can’t wrap my brain around that bring a good reason to end a marriage. I was mad at him for taking $4k from savings for my son’s college and we stopped talking much. I was trying to get over it in my own time but never told him the reason for the distance and honestly I was happy with the distance at the time. It was perfect for me. What does that mean? How can you be happy just having someone there but would rather be distant with them? Idk. Uggghhh I may never know. Maybe I’m just not marriage material.

  51. Hi, I am so conflicted about my marriage! Have been with Michael for 5 and a half years and we’ve been married for only 10 months 9 of which if been pregnant! We fell in love and moved in together really quickly sex was good we argued a lot but we was passionate. This all faded after time and due to money worries and stress at work we drifted apart and became more like friends. We were still in love and knew we had to work these long hours to survive. We had a lot of really good holidays together then he proposed and we got married. He always messed up and did things to hurt me but I always forgave him I guess he’s always been a little immature but everyone has told me he’s a much nicer person since meeting me. He always wanted kids and had asked me for years for them but I was never really ready. After the wedding we decided I’d come of my pill and if it was meant to be it would be. Literally a week or two later I was pregnant! We was happy but also very scared and shocked because I dont think we was truly ready 🙁 then Michael spiralled out of control he removed himself from the marriage and gave me no love or attention he was hurting me everyday. If had an awful pregnancy and been so depressed and alone. Then he racked up a huge gambling debt and started flirting any hanging out with a girl in work. Finally I pushed him to tell me what was going on and he told me he didn’t love me anymore and wanted to meet someone else. I was heartbroken and heavily pregnant facing life as a single mum! I was devastated and begged him not to leave. We’ve been split up for over a month maybe 2 and I no longer beg him to stay I have accepted it. At the beginning I hated him and a lot of things were said and a lot of arguments were had. He moved into a bedsit he didn’t want to move out until after baby was born but I forced him into it. He said to me he wants a divorce but he has also once said he’s not 100% sure. I’m now 5 days past my due date so if let him move back in to help me with baby for the first 2 weeks. We’re being friends and talking only of everyday things or the baby not the relationship. I don’t know if I want to fight for my marriage or let it go? I’ve realised my worth and me and the baby deserve better then him but I still love him I’m so conflicted on how I feel. Any men out there that can she’d some light on his actions???

  52. Dear Thomas,

    I am so sorry for your loss. The death of your wife is a terrible grief to bear, and regardless of how your marriage unfolded, it’s still incredibly painful to lose someone you love.

    Please, go talk to someone in person. A grief support group would be ideal – you need to process your grief and learn how to resolve your feelings of pain and regret. It would help you immensely to hear how other widows and widowers are healing, and to share your experience with others.

    A grief group that focuses on addictions – similar to Al-Anon – would be so helpful, I think.

    Here’s an article to help you learn about grief:

    How to Survive the Grieving Process

    You might also consider getting one-to-one counseling. There are so many difficult feelings to process; I really believe you’d benefit from in-person support. Seeking help online is a great start, but it’s so important to get in-personal guidance and support!

    I will keep you in my prayers; I’ll pray for healing and strength for you.

    In sympathy,

  53. I have a problem I don’t know how to resolve, but it’s not about getting back together after a separation. My wife had a drug program. Her parents didn’t realize it. We we’re inseparable so she stop using drugs. We had 14 good years together. But the I got sick. I needed a kidney transplant. Things changed, she stopped coming home. We’d fight, but she was clean. We’d test. She went to live with her parents bc she said I was become way too upset and depressed over my upcoming kidney failure. After a few months sh’d came back but in that in that time So much changed.
    She spent her paycheck on drugs. Guys would text at 3 am and she’d take her phone in the bathroom. So the last 2 years she moved back home and hung out with druggies she got fired for stealing Xanax and other drugs.
    So almost under 2 weeks, she committed suicide she was hanging out with her friend talking about it. They found her she hung herself next morning.
    So this is it, I don’t even think she loved me anymore. I miss her more then I could think anything possible. Why didn’t she call me like when she left. Lucky I talked get town a called EMS. WHY COULDNT SHE CALL ME. Did she just really stop loving me? I know people say their marriage is special but ours was. She accepted me even thou I contracted HIV through hemophilia. She said everyone need love. And we loved each other. Or I thought she did. she did I love her more then my own life, more than anything possible. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her.

    She was smart a avid reader & not just chick lit. She loved movies and going to concerts and living no near to NYC, we saw great shows and had great experiences. We loved the museums she always found these great unusual things we could do. She broadened my horizons.

    Finally this is it. I’m not divorced, not separated. I’m a widower. Can I wear my wedding ring?

    I don’t know if is the right forum, but please help

  54. It has helped me tremendously that I have always had a clear idea of what was necessary for us to get back together. This has never changed since day one of making him move out. He had been drinking, turned into a couch potato, and was lying about it constantly so that I wondered if I had lost my mind. But day one I told him that because I could no longer trust him by his words, I would need to judge him by his actions. He needed to take care of himself financially, physically, and treat me well for a period of time before I would consider reconciliation. Because I have not wavered on this it has made it much easier for both of us to know where we stand. He seems to be doing better. But more time is needed and more time together (dating) to know if this is true. This time I am honoring my instincts.

  55. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Rodel,

    The idea of getting back together after a separation after almost 10 years is quite romantic! It would be a lot more romantic if you and your ex-wife weren’t married to other people, and didn’t have children with those other people.

    I can’t tell you if you should reconcile with your ex, but I do have a few questions for you to think about. I encourage you to write your answers in a private diary or journal. Working through your thoughts in writing is a wonderful way to decide of getting back together after separation is a good idea for you, your ex-wife, and your children.

    How will your current wife respond to the news that you want to get back together with your ex-wife?
    What will your children say? How will they be affected?
    What has changed in the past 10 years? You and your ex-wife haven’t had much contact. What makes you think reconciliation after separation is a good idea?
    Who is your wife today, and how has she changed in the past 10 years?
    How have you changed in the past 10 years?

    I encourage you not to follow your emotions — such as the warm sentimental feelings of love you have for your ex-wife. Of course you feel love for her! You were married to her, and your thoughts about her are idealized, warm, and comforting. It’s much easier to love a woman when you haven’t been living with her and doing the hard work of raising kids together.

    Please consider the effect a remarriage to your ex-wife will have on your children and wife. Please don’t follow your emotions and whims without considering the consequences on your family.

    I wish you all the best as you consider getting back together with your ex-wife. I pray for wisdom, guidance, clarity, and insight.


    1. Thank you for a warm response.. 1st I thought that we were going to talk about our separation and closure of our relationship but when the days goes buy everyday talking to to each other. I can’t hide the love which I have to her and as she said same feelings that we have.. I hate her because of what she did but I love her and nothing changed because we’re married and she’s the girl I wanted in the rest of my life.. but what she did is is too painful it’s a surprising… but still until this time I can’t hide my feelings that still I love her… its difficult for me to to decide because there is one girl I know that she loves me and that is my current wife today.but still I cannot say she’s my wife because we’re not married..Thank you for a giving me a great advice…

    2. We haven’t talk to each other for the last 10 years… just 2 months before when we start to talk to each other.. and we found out after talking to each other lots of emotions and forgiveness of what happened.. suddenly we are saying still we love each other.. Please pray for me God hive me wisdom and guidance thank you very much…

  56. It’s been 9 years almost 10 years this coming March 2016 when me and my wife are almost separated.. We don’t have any closure about our relationship being husband and do you reconcile after a separation when she didn’t give a chance to get my side, she didn’t talk to me and she throw me away and don’t want me anymore. But i try to talk to her and and keep our relationship being husband and wife and being a good father to my daughter. it didn’t work and after 2 months she went abroad and when I saw her on a social site she’s having a relationship to other guy and I decide that she don’t love me anymore.
    My wife had a child with that guy, after years passed I met one lady and am having a relationship with her. we have 2 kids, but four months ago i talked to my first wife again. she was always on my mind even though I have already my family and she also has her own family. we still love each other and we both want to reconcile. I thought we are going to talk about formal closure of our marriage but instead we are talking about how to fix our families so we can be together again. still I love her and she loves me…. can you give me the counseling regarding reconciliation after separation for so long? thanks.

    Rodel Capellan

  57. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Samantha,

    I can’t tell you if you should reconcile with your abusive, critical, angry husband. Only you know what’s best for you, and only you know what you have the strength and courage to do.

    I’m curious, though…is it possible to go back to your family for help? It really is difficult to make it as a single mother with small children, and it’s definitely easier if you have support. Living in a new place doesn’t offer much support, financially or emotionally.

    Can you return to the place you were living? Are there resources or support systems there, that might be able to help you?

  58. Hi myself and my husband has been seperated for 3 months now, he has been abusive throughout our marriage and we have 3 small children. He says he wants to reconcile but phones me up late at nite to tell me everything i do wrong. But if i do he gets upset and says lets just leave everything. Im currently unemployed as he brought me to a different province. My heart cant handle the pain but im a bit worried financially. Please help

  59. I found your tips on how to know if you should reconcile after a separation very insightful. My only major comment is that it is written as if only the woman in the relationship should be making this choice… these same questions face men in these situations as well. I would prefer if this was written to address the situation from the point of view of the husband or the wife…

    But thank you for this! Well written!
    God bless you all in your journey!

  60. This is something that I have been struggling with for way way too long. It has caused me a great deal of anxiety and stress. I am quite conflicted about it. I am quite content living separately from her and she seems to be content away from me, though both of us are lonely. I hope to resolve this soon and gain some peace about the whole situation. Wush me luck.

  61. My stbx and I have been separated now for a year. I do miss him from time to time. It was VERY hard when we first separated, but I am enjoying living alone. In the past he has physically abused me but I decided to stay with him. The abused stopped a long time ago but I still feel the inner pain.. I thought I was over it but my oldest son talks about it sometimes.. he was around 10-11 at the time he is now 38. I stayed because I had 2 small sons and did not think I could make it on my own. Him and I married pretty young and we each had a lot of baggage. Not blaming him for everything, I had issues myself. I have been in counseling for several years and I have asked him over and over to go with me to counseling which he felt he did not need counseling. We separated because he was not paying the mortgage and we were left with the decision to sale the home or it go into foreclosure. We put the house on the market.. At that point we decided to go our separate ways.. he left the house first and I left about a month later. He wants to reconcile but I am enjoying living alone and I am now talking to a friend that I have known for over 30 years and we get along great. He has been divorced for over 10 years. He lives in a different State therefore we are not physically seeing each other – We enjoy talking to each other over the phone.. We are getting to know each other all over again. I will be divorcing my stbx not because of my friend but because for several years my stbx and I were basically living as roommates instead of husband and wife.. we made GREAT roommates..but not husband and wife. I had to pretty much keep my feelings to myself and could not express how I felt because it sometimes made him angry and defensive… he was not the one to talk things out in a mature, settling manner. For all of you that are thinking of reconciliation, don’t think of the years you were married, think of the marriage itself. Follow your gut instinct.. it will not steer you wrong. I have been with my stbx for 30 years but I cannot tell you how many of those years I was ACTUALLY MARRIED.

  62. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    If you want to reconcile with your spouse after a separation, you need to follow your heart and listen to your spouse. By “follow your heart”, I mean contact your spouse and say you want to talk about reconciliation. Ask her out for coffee or on a date, and forget about how it “should” happen. What do you have to lose? After all, you’re already separated! Reconciliation is possible only if you take risks and be vulnerable.

    By “listen to your spouse”, I mean truly HEAR what is said about getting back together. If your spouse says reconciliation after separation is only possible if you go for marriage counseling, then off you go to marriage counseling. IF your spouse says reconciliation after separation is only possible if you quit your job and move to Timbukto, then it’s time to start drafting a letter to your boss and looking for places to live in Timbukto.

    My prayer is that you take a deep breath, and listen to your heart. What do you want from your marriage? Why do you want to reconcile? How can you ensure a separation doesn’t occur again? Those are important questions, and answering them will help you move forward and save your marriage.


  63. Help here I have readed but have so questions. me and my wife are separated it has not been long and I want to be with her every minute. I have not be abusing her but I have not been a nice husband. I would love to work things out. but she and I have cheated on each other. mine was pronography and talking to other women on dating site. and she went out and physically cheated close enough to having an affair. so what do I do?

  64. My husband and I have been separated for 3 months now.He has been verbally abusive to me,he drinks,he doesn’t want my oldest kids around,he won’t get counseling and always act as if his life is miserable because of me,O and when he does things or say things to me he says that he hasn’t done anything and that I’m crazy.Well I left and I am so happy without him but want my marriage to work.I’m a Christian and believe that God can do anything but not sure about going back to him because he hasn’t changed.I moved back home to California and hes in Texas I love it here in California and don’t know if I want to stay in Texas again but he won’t move here with me a so I have a lot on my plate to think about.

  65. I found your article very I interesting and was wondering if you could give me some advice. I found out that my husband has been cheating on my for 2 years, I gave him a second chance on the basis that he would stop contact with the OW. He did for 2 weeks and when she contacted him he resumed his affair. I found out about it 2 weeks later and kicked him out of the house. We have 2 young children. We have been separated for 6 weeks and he sees the kids often. Since the separation, the only difference I have noticed is that he’s around in the evening, so I know I can leave on my own. The question is I still have very strong feelings for him and you advice to date, so should I do the first step and set up a date or should I wait for him to do it?

  66. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    I wish you all the best as you reconcile with your husband after separating! May you find peace, joy, and hope in your marriage – and may you both work towards the common good of your family. I pray for wisdom, healing, and faith. May you find joy in each other, as well as the love and acceptance that is the foundation of all healthy marriages.


  67. I am in this situation right now. We have been “separated ” for 5 months he was here all the time and when he started dating and stopped coming it drove me insane with lose fear greif and jealously , so we are reconciling i figure after 22 years and 3 children its worth a shot. Wish us luck

  68. I think all couples should consider reconcilation after separation, because divorce is terrible for the whole family. I know each situation is different and not all married couples are happy together but I believe they should at least try. My parents divorced after two years of separation, and I wish they reconciled.

  69. Thank you for your comments – they are helpful to people who are struggling to decide if they should reconcile! It’s a huge decision, but I think it helps to read perspectives from others who have been in the same situation.

  70. When the time came for me to decide to reconcile, I evaluated how I felt when he wasn’t around versus when he showed up at the doorstep.

    Eventually, I opted to end the marriage because I was clearly happier without him than I was with him.

  71. I think the advice you’ve given here is solid especially for a woman suffering abuse. When there’s abuse involved it’s important to spend a lot of time in prayer, take one’s time and also go with one’s gut feelings.
    I hope she makes the right decision at least for her daughter’s sake who’s fond of her Daddy.

  72. My husband did try to reconcile, but since I left him, I did not consider it. It turned out well, as he married someone more compatible. I’ve often wondered if we could have worked things out, but I never learned how to communicate with him, and now it’s a moot point. Still, now I’m single, as my second husband died, and I’m pretty happy by myself.