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How to Decide if You Should Reconcile With Your Husband

after breaking up uncoupling process

Here’s what you need to know about getting back together after a separation. Reconciliation is common for many couples who have separated or divorced, but is it a good idea for you?

“My husband is desperately trying to reconcile our marriage after we separated,” said Lynda on Emotional Disconnection in Marriage. “I feel he has changed for the better, but I don’t know if men ever change from what he did. I feel so guilty that our daughter is split and she loves her daddy. But I don’t know if I ever could love him again. If we got back together I could possibly have the life I always wanted, and be able to stay home with my daughter and have more children. But how do I know if he would do everything all over again (mental and verbal abuse, an affair)? I wouldn’t want to put my daughter through that! And would I survive it the second time? Any advice or insight you might have about getting back together would be appreciated!”

There is no formula that will tell you if getting back together after separation is a good idea for you and your family. So how do you know if reconciliation is a better choice than staying apart and rebuilding a new life without your ex?

You must listen to that still small voice, and trust your intuition. Below are several things you need to consider before deciding if getting back together after separation is a good idea. This article was inspired by my many readers who don’t know how to decide or even start reconciling after a separation. You are not alone – and you may see yourself in their comments below. Reading through the situations of other women may help you see your marriage in a different light – and this may help you make a decision about getting back together after separation.

Research on Reconciliation After Separation

Research from the Personal Relationships journal shows that reconciliation after separation is surprisingly common. Ending a marriage or long-term relationship is difficult emotionally and socially, yet a high percentage of couples break up and then renew their relationship with the same person.

One study found that as many as 40% of the sample had reconciled after separating, with 75% of the respondents reporting at least two reconciliations with the same partner. Most separated couples think about reconciliation, and getting back together after separation is a healthy plan for some people.

But, is getting back together a good idea for you and your family? Here are a few things to consider about reconciliation after being separated….

How to Decide if You Should Reconcile With Your Husband

Try not to take anyone’s advice about whether you should reconcile after a separation.

Reconciliation After Separation

How to Decide if You Should Reconcile With Your Husband

Rather, focus on your own inner wisdom and true self. What do you really want to do? It’s scary to trust your intuition or gut feelings, but in the long run you are a better indicator of good decisions than all the advice in the world.

Here, I share a few thoughts about getting back together after a separation, inspired by my reader’s question about reconciliation after separation. Your situation is different, but the questions I pose may help you decide.

What caused the separation?

Some couples end their relationship because of unresolvable differences or conflicts that can’t be accepted. Others decide to get separated because they simply need time and space to think.

Consider the reason for your separation. Does getting back together make sense to you? If the point of separation was to take time and space to re-evaluate your marriage — and if you and your ex are both leaning towards getting back together — then perhaps reconciliation is a logical next step.

Reconciliation is more complicated and sensitive than getting together in the first place. Rebuilding a marriage or relationship involves getting over a broken heart or disappointment in your ex-husband, which requires forgiveness and hard work. If you know your reconciliation will be rocky, consider seeing a counsellor who specializes in getting back together after a divorce or separation.

If your husband has a drinking problem, read How to Help an Alcoholic Husband.

Take a step away from your emotions

At this point, it’s important to take a deep breath and put your emotions aside. You may feel guilt, love, fear, hope, dread, confusion, anger, frustration, concern – you may feel like you’re drowning in an ocean of emotion! But your emotions shouldn’t make the “getting back together after separation” decision for you.

In Should You Try to Get Your Ex Back? 16 Questions to Ask Yourself I offer a list of healthy reasons to reconcile after a separation. The best reason for getting back together after separation is to assess whether something has changed in your relationship or marriage. How do you know if your ex-husband has changed? You date him.

Re-establish your relationship without formally getting back together

Who says reconciliation after separation means moving back in together? Why do you have to decide today or tomorrow to rebuild your marriage?

Use this time – the in-between time and space – to get to know your ex-husband again. Reconnect with him as if he were a new man and you were a new woman (because you’re both different, right? If neither have you have changed, then what’s the point of getting back together after separation?).

If your husband balks at, criticizes, or ridicules the idea of dating, then you’re one step closer to knowing if you should get back together.

Go slow – don’t let your husband push you into reconciling after a separation

Here are a few signs you should not reconcile after a separation:

  • Your husband isn’t giving you time to think
  • He is desperately trying to get back together
  • He’s pushing you to move back in with him right away
  • He’s jumping from one relationship to another
  • External parties (in-laws, parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, etc) are pressuring you
  • You’re getting back together out of desperation, guilt, or other unhealthy reasons
  • You’re not being true to you if you get back together with your husband
  • Your gut instincts are telling you not to reconcile with your husband
  • You feel better and happier without your husband in the house
  • You feel emotionally manipulated or controlled by him
  • You like your life the way it is, without your ex-husband

Getting back together after separation is a big decision, and you need to take your time. I repeat my suggestion to date your ex-husband. If he doesn’t want to take six months to re-establish your relationship, then he’s not serious about building a strong foundation for your marriage.

Attach conditions to getting back together after separation

What do you want to see happen in your marriage, if you were to reconcile? You have the power to set conditions – you need to assert your strength and set the tone for the future of your marriage (or divorce). Stand up for yourself; don’t let your husband push you around.

Figure out what you want your new marriage to look and feel like, and tell your husband. Be specific and clear: I want to know I can trust you, so I want access to your phone, email, etc. Don’t be afraid to tell him what you want. If you’re scared to talk to your husband, then perhaps you should stop thinking about getting back together.

Get counseling – especially if your husband was abusive

In How to Know if Divorce is the Best Decision, I describe why counseling should not be a last resort, but rather a healthy step to take when problems first arise. If your husband abused you, then you absolutely definitely need to go to counseling as a couple.

Do not reconcile with a husband who abused you, but did not get help for it. Do not believe his words that he has changed! Believe his ACTIONS. How has his behavior changed? Is getting back together after separation a good idea for you, or are you running back to the same old problems?

Listen to your intuition

The most powerful source of wisdom and truth that still, small voice inside of you.

How to Decide if You Should Reconcile With Your Husband

Reconciliation After Separation

Maybe it’s intuition, or God, or the Universe….whatever you call it, it really is the best source of advice you could ever ask for. You need to get quiet and listen to it, for that voice will tell you what you need to know. That voice will tell you what the next step is. Get out of your head and away from your emotions, and connect with your inner self. Your still small voice knows what decision you need to make about getting back together with your husband.

Here are some questions to help you work through the decision process. Coming up with your own answers has a much greater effect than asking for advice.

  • How did your marriage affect your behavior, thoughts and emotions?
  • How did the separation or divorce affect your behavior, thoughts and emotions?
  • How does reconciliation protect you from being vulnerable or hurt?
  • What is the purpose of getting back together with your husband?
  • What would it take to make your marriage painful enough that you would leave him for good?

Which path (reconciling with your husband and rebuilding your marriage, or proceeding with life without him) leads to more life, possibilities, and purpose?

Go where the life is. Find ways to clear noise and clutter of unhealthy attachments, bad relationships, unhappy people. Listen to the still small voice of God – of divine wisdom and power! Be quiet so you can hear. And, own up to the choices you’ve made and aren’t making. Don’t let past decisions ruin your future…you may grieve your loss, but you will be alive and growing a healthier future. You will be Blossoming.

In the comments section below, feel free to write the pros and cons of getting back together after separating with your husband. Take this opportunity to freewrite reasons you should and shouldn’t get back together with him.

Help for Getting Back Together After Separation

separating and getting back togetherMarriage on the Mend: Healing Your Relationship After Crisis, Separation, or Divorce was written by Clint and Penny Bragg. They’re a married couple who knows what it means to get back together after a separation – and divorce – of 11 years.  After their divorce and after living 3,000 miles from each other, they were remarried. That’s when the difficult work of restoration and rebuilding their marriage began.

The Braggs know that couples who reconcile after separation or divorce face a unique set of challenges, including unresolved arguments, poor communication habits, unforgiveness, and betrayed trust.

In Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed, Gary Chapman offers insights and hope for couples who have separated and wish they could be reconciled. When doors slam and angry words fly, when things just aren’t working out, and even when your spouse has abandoned your trust, there is hope.

I welcome your thoughts on getting back together after separation below, but I can’t offer relationship advice or counseling. Sometimes it helps to write about your experience, even if you don’t get feedback.

If financial problems are a factor in your separation – or your reconciliation – read How to Make a Difficult Decision in Your Life.

My prayer is that you make the right decision about getting back together separation, for both you and your family. May you go slow, listen to the still small voice, and make a decision that has positive consequences for the majority of your loved ones.

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95 thoughts on “How to Decide if You Should Reconcile With Your Husband”

  1. I absolutely agree with majority of the reasons why one needs not reconcile after separation, but your portrayal of a “husband” in this case is extremely negative . You place more emphasis on “the man” as if he is a monster.

  2. Pros:
    1. Not having to split my children from their step-grandparents and step father whom they love
    2. Financially more stable if he’s able to keep a job
    3. Get a little bit of help from him with the house and perhaps the kids and house
    1. Never know when he may do drugs again
    2. I may have to separate the kids and myself from him again if he goes back to using
    3. Never know when he’s lying about paying bills, rent, etc.
    4. Financially supporting him, myself and my children
    5. Having to constantly stand up for myself and justify why the children come first

  3. Thank you for your prayers. Personally I left because I was tired of getting accused of adultery. I mean I would give her reasons to but I never did anything. I’ve made mistakes but I’ve always been there for my family. But it wasn’t right of her to be throwing it in my face every time she got upset. I left mad and I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t leave her for no other woman. I’ve tried to talk to her. She doesn’t want to speak to me. Every time I try and get a conversation she says “Don’t start”. And I back off because I don’t want to get her mad. I know she’s unhappy at her parents house. She calls me for help whenever my kids aren’t behaving and to straighten them out by talking to them. I want to tell her to handle it by herself since she wants to be by herself but I don’t want to fight with her anymore. I wanna give her all the support I can give her even tho I’m not there. I know she can’t do it by herself. But she wants to struggle. She can live here in my apartment whenever she opens her eyes. I hope she opens her eyes soon. I can’t say that I’m over her because I’m still in love with her and I want to love her the way I never did when we were together. She wanted attention and affection and I never gave that to her. And now that’s all I want to give her. I wanna do all the things she wanted. To hold her hand. Kiss her. Hug her. Cuddle with her. The small things I took for granted. Roxanne, my eyes opened up the moment she started not caring anymore. I’m not telling you to do that. But kinda back off and give him space and he’ll come around. I’m rooting for you.

  4. Hello,

    My name is Jorgen . I am a Canadian citizen currently residing in Vancouver. My family (wife and son) and I relocated from Toronto to Seoul, South Korea in January, 2017. My wife left me on April 27, 2018 and took our son. Ever since my now ex wife left me (April 27, 2018), I have not been able to see or talk to my son.
    My wife filed for a divorce in Korea which was granted to her in my absence on March 15, 2019. I was informed of this decision through a Korea friend in Seoul, South Korea. My wife and I got married on 28 December, 2012.

    I am new in Vancouver and came here as I was offered a position as an academic manager in a school. Besides, I had no other choice but to leave South Korea, because my sponsorship visa expired. I have been trying to open a way to communicate with her; however, she has completely blocked me. I have tried to send child support to our son, Daniel, asking her via numerous emails and even through a friend to provide me with a bank account number. There has been no reply at all.

    I need to add that once before, a few months into our marriage, my now ex wife disappeared, citing arguments and misunderstandings. A couple of months later, she surfaced in South Korea. This was back in 2013.

    In January 2017, we decided to relocate to South Korea. I found re-adjustment to the new environment quite hard. In the meantime, my wife became more and more distant and less supportive. We had arguments like any other couple; however, I grew more and more emotional and anxious, due my sense of isolation and loneliness, and our arguments became more frequent. I even broke things a couple of times. Unbeknownst to me, she had been collecting evidence to get divorced and win full child custody.

    Ever since she left, she and her family have stone walled me. I know that she reads my emails and sometimes forwards them to her older brother (I have installed an email tracking program on my computer). My ex is not rich and her brother has his own wife and kids. Her mother is not rich either. Her brother emailed me a couple of weeks ago about my Korean credit card debt asking me to respond the notice from the bank. I thought that it could be away to find a way to contact her or to at least know about my son. Several times I offered to send child support, but she never gave me her bank account information. I sent clothes for my 5 year old son, which has been received.

    I am now working on myself and am doing my very best to change, not just for her, but for my life. I am truly tired of my old self and am determined to change. I have been emailing her almost every day, which I admit, is obsessive. I am truly remorseful and I hope that there is a way to make amends and look after my son, and if possible, my ex. I can’t give up.

    I would greatly appreciate your advice.

  5. You said you’re trying to give your wife space and you don’t like it but you don’t have a choice. I am feeling the exact same it is difficult especially when you want to fix it and miss that person so much more than they could imagine. I miss my husband I love him and miss his smile and laugh but I’m praying that being patient and giving him time will help and he will come back.

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