How to Overcome Depressed Feelings After a Breakup


Post break up, you may feel depressed, lonely, afraid, and anxious. Here’s how to overcome depression after a breakup, plus important tips on how your body and emotions are reacting to the end of your relationship.

Your heart feels emotionally broken, but did you know the breakup had a physical effect on your body as well? Your heart is physically responding to the stress of the breakup – and that’s why it’s so important to take care of yourself post break up. Feeling rejected because of a relationship breakup has serious negative effects on different parts of your body, because emotional pain activates the same pathways in the brain that physical pain does. That’s why your whole body, mind, soul, and spirit hurts! In this article, I describe 1) how your body is physically responding to the stress of a relationship ending (post break up depression and anxiety); 2) the 11 most common emotions people feel after breaking up; and 3) and how to overcome breakup depression.

Post break up, your body experiences many complex physiological and psychological changes – which is why depressed feelings after a breakup are so common. It’s like you’ve been hit by a truck! Your body may be in shock, especially if your ex boyfriend already has a new girlfriend. Most of your physical and emotional responses – even depression – are due to raised cortisol levels in your body. Cortisol is the “stress hormone”, and it’s released in much higher levels during emotional and life changing events.





A breakup can make you feel out of control – and this can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, and uncertainty. Your head, stomach, eyes, and immune system are negatively impacted by post break up stress and anxiety, and your body actually experiences pain and withdrawal symptoms.

Learning how your body is reacting post break up will help you overcome breakup depression.

The Physical Effects of a Breakup on Your Body

What did you feel in your stomach, guts, and head when you first broke up? If your heart dropped into your stomach and you felt physical pain, then you’re 100% normal. That’s exactly what heartbreak does. A study in the Journal of Neurophysiology revealed that broken hearts actually cause physical pain – that stomach drop, a headache, nausea, and full-body aches.

Your weight may increase – especially if you’re an emotional eater

The stress during and after a breakup can cause weight gain, especially around your tummy area. It also causes your body to crave sugar and fat, which leads to mindless eating. You may also feel like you’ve been punched in the stomach. Intense emotional pain can activate the same nerves as physical pain; you literally feel rejection in your body.

Your eyes swell and become puffy

Are you crying through this breakup? That’s good, because tears are emotionally and physically cleansing. Crying will help you heal and overcome breakup depression. Emotional tears are less salty and more watery than “regular” tears (crying caused by physical pain). Crying after a breakup will make your eyes swell up more and look puffier because the water moves by osmosis into the saltier tissues.

Your heart is physically traumatized

Cardiologists have found that it’s not unusual to see older or less healthy people die of a heart attack within the first two weeks of a spouse’s death or an unexpected breakup. This is because your body has higher adrenalin levels, which pushes it into “fight or flight” mode. Breakup depression won’t lead to death, unless you succumb to hopelessness and loneliness. But you won’t! I can tell that you’re a survivor.

If you need help moving on, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love.

Your skin might break out after a breakup

Depression and stress are linked to psoriasis, eczema, alopecia, and acne. If you’re prone to eating high fat, high sugar foods (chocolate, potato chips, ice cream), then your skin will be affected even more. If you use food to help you overcome post break up depression, then your skin might get worse before it clears up.

Your brain may feel foggy and slow

Being in love activates the same portion of the brain that drugs do, and a breakup leads to painful withdrawal symptoms.

breakup depression post break up

How to Overcome Depressed Feelings After a Breakup

Researchers from Stony Brook University gave 15 men basic math equations to do after they viewed pictures of their exes after a breakup. While the men were looking at these pictures, the researchers studied their brain activity. They found that the exposure to memories of their ex-lovers activated regions of their brain that are also active in cocaine addicts who are in withdrawal and experiencing physical pain.

Brain scans of broken-hearted people found that that the breakup of a relationship produces a similar response to cocaine craving. So, you’re experiencing anxious and depressed feelings partly because your brain is literally going through withdrawal symptoms.

Your immune system is weakened

Are you fighting a cold or the flu, in addition to feeling depressed and anxious? You’re normal. Post break up, your body’s defense mechanisms are low and weak.

Since the stress of breaking up affects your immune system, you’re more likely to experience colds and the flu, as well as various autoimmune diseases. According to The American Psychological Association, the depression caused by a breakup, induced social isolation, and feelings of loneliness can all contribute to an increased chance of various health problems after the breakdown of a relationship. This, in turn, can lead to increased feelings of depression and anxiety.

Your sleep patterns may be disrupted post break up

Going through a breakup can mess up your sleep patterns. Maybe you’re sleeping more than you did before, or you’re not sleeping enough. Maybe you’re used to sharing a bed with your partner; his absence makes it even harder to sleep. If your nervous system is stressed, you have high levels of cortisol in your system, and you’re lonely…sleep may not be your companion. And this becomes a vicious cycle: if you can’t sleep, you feel stressed. This increased stress leads to less sleep, which drives up your stress even further.

And finally, people who have gone through a divorce are more likely to suffer from mobility issues, such as difficulty climbing stairs or walking short distances. The stress from a breakup can also cause muscle spasms and tightness throughout your body. All of this combines to increase breakup depression, anxiety, and even fear.

A list of all the bad things your body is going through at the end of your relationship isn’t exactly what you expected when you searched for “how to overcome depression after a breakup”, is it? But it’s important that you know that you experiencing the normal depressed feelings and physical symptoms post break up. Knowing how your body is responding to the shock, anxiety, and depression of a break up will help you recover better and faster.

11 Emotions You’ll Experience After a Breakup

After breaking up with someone you love, you will grieve. Here are the most common emotions people feel after a relationship ends. These post break up feelings – from shock to depression – are contributed by writer Kevin Thompson. He’s been helping people overcome with breakup depression for five years.

1. Shock

If you didn’t see the breakup coming, you might be in a shock for quite sometime. You will be thinking things like ”Everything was fine a few days ago, how can this happen to me.” The good news is shock will not last for long. The bad news is shock is probably the easiest of emotions you will have to go through.

2. Denial

If you had constant fights and arguments that lead to an “almost breakup” quite often, then you are likely to be in denial after the breakup. You will probably just convince yourself that this is just another one of those situation and you and your partner will make up soon enough. Denial can last a while until reality creeps in and smacks you on the face with the fact that it’s really over.

3. Bargaining

Bargaining, more commonly known on the internet (and the world) as “Get Your Ex Back.” Don’t get me wrong, getting your ex back can be a good thing if you have a good reason to get back together.  But you have to understand that bargaining is also just one of the emotions after a breakup. And getting back together just because you are going through a phase of grieving is not a good decision. In fact, you might end up regretting this decision if the relationship is not right for you.

4. Sadness

This is the phase where you just feel sad throughout the day. You get up in the morning, drag your feet to the bathroom, look in the mirror and see your pathetic face thinking, “Will I ever be happy again?” You slouch your way to the kitchen, pour yourself some cereal and manage to drag yourself to your daily activities. Sadness is not the worst of the emotions you’ll feel after a breakup. Because we all know that it will pass. What’s dangerous is obsession.

5. Obsession

You keep thinking about your ex. You stalk their Facebook, hack into their email and go over all their activities like you are working for the NSA. In fact, you go out of your way to find out where they are going for their yoga classes and you stand across the street to make sure they are not with someone else. Your day starts with your ex and it ends with your ex. You are obsessed with your ex. Obsession can be tricky business because it won’t stop until you absolutely stop all contact with your ex and delete any means of indirect communication with them (like Facebook, twitter etc.) You have to go cold turkey on your ex, even though your emotions after breaking up may feel like they’re overwhelming you.


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6. Anger

Then there will be days where you will think of nothing but your ex’s faults and how they did you wrong. You will think to yourself that you are glad that the relationship is over and you will hope that they suffer for what they put you through. Even though it’s a step forward, holding a grudge against your ex is not the best way to move on.

7. Loneliness and depression

overcoming depression after breakupOf course, with hate comes love – another common emotion after a breakup. You will think of all the wonderful qualities your ex had and how much you miss them. You will feel like you were and probably are still in love with them. Again, remember it’s just a phase and you should just let it come and pass like every other emotion.

8. Fear

During a relationship people start identifying themselves as a couple; they see themselves as a part of a team and after the breakup, they find themselves suddenly alone. This new life comes with fear. Of course, it’s OK to feel fear, as it is just another emotion. What matters is how you deal with it? Do you run back and hide behind the idea of getting back together with your ex, or do you face it head on?

9. Empowerment

If you start taking control of your life after the breakup, you will feel empowered and realize that you don’t need your ex to be happy in your life.  When you realize you have conquered your fear of being single again, you will feel like you can achieve anything you want.

10. Acceptance

You will start accepting the fact that you two have broken up and there is no going back. Instead of looking back, you start planning forward. You start thinking about your happiness and your goals in life. You start planning a life, without your ex in it.

11. Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something that will come a long time after the breakup. But it’s something that is very essential in moving on. When you forgive your ex for everything wrong they did, you forgive yourself as well. At this time, you have truly moved on after the breakup.

For more help with dealing with emotions after a breakup, read How to Heal Your Heart Without Relationship Closure.

3 Ways to Overcome Post Break Up Depression

We were build for companionship, so feeling depressed post break up is not only normal…it’s healthy. Give yourself time to grieve the end of your relationship. Don’t rush it. We were programmed to protect the relationships valuable to us, and your grieving process is your way of letting go and healing.

You lost an important relationship in your life – even if it wasn’t healthy – and it’s not easy to just “get over it.” The more valuable the relationship was to you, the more dramatic your grieving process will be. You’ll experience most if not all of the emotions in the above list – including breakup depression.

1. Understand the actual cause of your breakup depression

Depressed feelings after a breakup can bring back deep-seated memories about being abandoned as a child, says psychologist Dr Susan Quilliam, author of How to Choose a Partner. We are programmed to need human contact and to be affected when human contact is withdrawn.

Overcoming Breakup Depression

3 Ways to Overcome Post Break Up Depression

“Therefore we suffer when we are abandoned,” says Dr Quilliam. “At some point everyone in childhood thinks, ‘Oh no! I’m alone and I’m going to die!’ A breakup awakens those emotions and makes us feel insecure, angry and sad.”

So you’re grieving not only the absence of your boyfriend or husband, you’re also dealing with issues from your childhood. If you have unresolved grief from your past, those emotions will rise up after this breakup. Depressed feelings will be stronger. Anger may feel overwhelming. And, your grief may be intense. In fact, the grieving process post break up is similar to losing a loved one. You may feel shock, denial, grief, anger, resentment, self-blame, helplessness, fear, and depression. Your body will feel the effects of all those painful emotions swirling around. Learning how to overcome depression after breaking up involves being aware of all this going on underneath the surface.

2. Listen carefully to your spirit, body, and soul

Have you dealt with depressed feelings in the past? If you’re prone to moderate or severe depression, then you need different ways to process your grief. Learning how to overcome depression is unique to each woman, which means you need to listen to what your body and spirit is telling you. You may need physical healing in the form of increased self-care (eg, soothing bubble baths, calming acupuncture sessions, a physical checkup from your family doctor). Or, you may need emotional healing from a counselor or psychologist.

Take time to listen to what your body is telling you. What do you need to do for yourself? How have you overcome feelings of grief or anxiety in the past – and have you experienced post break up depression before? Determine what recharges and refreshes you. The best way to restore your physical, emotional, and spiritual health is to give your body the rest, nutrition, and exercise it needs.

3. Go through the pain – don’t avoid it

You may feel tempted to avoid dealing with the pain of breakup depression. Why? Because it hurts a lot. It’s not easy to allow yourself to experience the waves of grief, anxiety, fear, and other scary emotions. You may feel like you’re going crazy. You may feel like you’ll never recover if you allow yourself to sink into the emotional abyss of your heart.

Writing in your private journal is one of the best tips on how to overcome mild depressed feelings. Journaling won’t help if you’re dealing with severe or even moderate depression after a breakup, but it can help you process the lighter feelings of sadness and anxiety. Listening to music can also be helpful – I posted a long list of breakup music in The Best Breakup Songs for Letting Go of Someone You Love.

Help for Overcoming Depression After a Breakup

emotions after a breakupIn You Can Heal Your Heart: Finding Peace After a Breakup, Divorce, or Death, Louise Hay and expert David Kessler discuss the emotions that occur when a relationship leaves you brokenhearted, a marriage ends in divorce, or a loved one dies. With a perfect blend of Louise’s teachings and affirmations on personal growth and transformation and David’s many years of working with those in grief, this empowering book will inspire an extraordinary new way of thinking, bringing hope and fresh insights into your life and even your current and future relationships. You will not only learn how to help heal your grief, but you will also discover that, yes, you can heal your heart.

letting go of someone you loveI wrote 75 How to Let Go of Someone You Love: 3 Powerful Secrets (and 75 Tips!) for Healing Your Heart because I needed to learn how to overcome depression after my sister left my life. Letting her go was the most painful and difficult thing I ever did, but I had no choice.

To write this ebook, I interviewed life coaches, counselors, and grief coaches on letting go. I know how shocking, confusing, and heart-wrenching it is when you’re letting go of a loved one. It’s devastating – and it changes how you see yourself. Learning how to let go of someone you love is about rediscovering your passion and identity.

Here’s what a reader recently emailed me about Letting Go of Someone You Love: “I gobbled the book down. Great help in putting things in perspective and in taking positive thoughtful action. Many thanks for sharing your wisdom and experiences.”

How do you feel, now that you have an idea of how your body is physically and emotionally responding to the end of your relationship? You may find it helpful to share your experience of post break up depression, or tell me how and why your relationship ended. I can’t offer advice, but writing is a healthy way to work through and overcome depression after a breakup.




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17 thoughts on “How to Overcome Depressed Feelings After a Breakup

  • cath

    I feel horrible afraid, angry,hurt and bloody lonely…its been two years me and my baby daddy separated but it feels like yesterday…I can’t go a day without thinking about him…I don’t know if is love or obsession. ..i’m tired of the way I feel…i’m hopeless towards life and love again…..

  • Richard

    I have been depressed for a long g time and it fluctuates. I met a n girl recently and we got on very well. Unfortunately we are 1 1/2 h away from each other. She said yesterday that she can’t do that distance even though she likes me because she has a very high libido and needs sex more regularly than I could give from that distance and with my busy work. I’ve been rejected before and it does trigger my already existing depression. It gets very difficult even though I know logicly I shouldn’t be too worried. She wanted to cut it off early as she worried she could not control herself with me that far away. It seems so unlucky for me. I’ve explained to her my depression and told her that I would unfortunately have to cut all contact to help myself get through. Especially knowing that in the past if I could contact an ex then I may hurt them more by talking about how I’m hurting. It sucks big time that I’m still alone and I always wonder when something will work out for me.

  • peppermint

    My boyfriend of 2 months broke up with me on christmas eve because he was angry with me. till now, i feel sad and hurt and it is taking me a long time to recover. in fact, although it has been more than a month, the sadness i feel is as strong as it was on day 1. i feel a constant need to reach out to him and knowing what he is doing and i get very upset when he does not message me at all. i feel empty and depressed and cannot concentrate on anything around me.
    i have not spoken to anyone about it because our relationship was a secret. we did meet each other twice, but with friends. i think he still feels something for me because he did make it a point to turn up for the gathering, knowing im there. he even told me he was not turning up but he did! but im getting mixed signals from him. he never initiates texts to me and i have been the one initiating all the time. his responses are usually a few words or emoticons. but after the recent gathering, he did message me to ask if i was home safely and if i want to catch a movie the next day. i rejected him as i had something on. but we made plans to watch a movie this weekend. during the gathering, he appeared sad when i was leaving earlier than him.
    i know he is a person who knows how to conceal his emotions well and i think he is trying to withhold. but yet im not sure if i am just trying to console myself thinking this way. he did not provide me with any closure and i find it hard to move on because i think he still feels for me. i am tempted to tell him that i do love him and hope to see if he will give us another shot.

  • Laurie Post author

    It takes time to overcome depressed and sad feelings after a breakup, because you are grieving a huge loss in your life. Your heart is broken. Your spirit is dampened. You may be worried that you won’t find anyone else to love…and you may even feel scared that you’re not lovable.

    Going through a breakup or divorce is painful. And, breaking up has a direct effect on our identity and sense of self-worth. So you must give yourself time to heal. You are saying goodbye to someone you love, you are emotionally detaching from this person who meant so much to you. Your heart is recovering from loving and losing an important relationship.

    Here are two great resources on to help yourself heal and overcome depression after a breakup:

    Who Am I Without You?: Fifty-Two Ways to Rebuild Self-Esteem After a Breakup
    http://amzn.to/2gn3w3N
    Comprised of fifty-two small chapters, the tools and exercises in this book are easy to apply, and will help you pick up the pieces of your broken identity, put them back together, shine yourself up, and get back out into the world—whole again and better than ever.

    Words of Comfort When Your Heart is Broken
    http://blossomtips.com/words-of-comfort-when-your-heart-is-broken/

    You will heal, and you will be happy again. Give yourself time to process the grief – and pay attention to any signs that you may be “stuck” in the grieving process or spiraling into depression. If that happens, talk to a counselor and get help. Don’t continue to struggling on your own.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • small

    Hello, thanks for the article on how to stop being depressed after a breakup. It is really great.It’s been over 6 months since I dump my ex. The first couple weeks were ok, we still talked and texted each other but now that we no longer talk as days pass the more i miss him. I moved from a different state and doing perfectly fine sometimes but it also seems like hell some other times. He cheated over and over, so at one point I got tired, it doesn t make any sense for me to keep dumping him and taking him back when he keeps doing the same old thing. At one point, he wanted kids and wanted to marry me but we both young and haven t even finish school yet so I did not want to and explain to him the reason why… To make the story short, I am 100% sure that I do not want him back but I can’t stop thinking about. I feel guilty because of the way I dump him and I really want the best for him in life. He is very insecure, undecided, depressed, and like keeping things to himself.I was the one there for him whe he needed someone to talk to, be there for him but i feel like he was just taking advantages of me because he would cheat then I would dump him and he would text me saying that he really depressed and need someone to talk to…
    I really got tired of the game and got really confused abt it like are you using me, do you love me, or do you need me. I love him and would like to be there for him but I definetely don t want someone who keep cheating on me. That is straight disrespectful, you can get me sick and everything. And the entire thing was confusing cuz when he gets mad he would say things like I can hurt you, i can do this, i can do that. One day he be like i love you, i want to be with you, i am sorry for this for that please forgive me, move to this state with me, please take the birth control out, i want to have kids with u, let s get married, let s do this let s do that, you are mine i don t want you to talk to anyone, let me see your phone, who s texting you, why…. Then another day he be like get out my life, don t call me, don’t text me… I definetely don’t want to be with him but I can t stop thinking about him nor stop caring for him. What do I do?

  • Elise

    Hi my name is Elise. We were in love. But the way we got together wasn’t right. He hurt a lot of people to be with me. But we lived together for a year and a half, happiest ever, both of us. It was the best thing ever. With me being happy, he was as well, but he always felt guilty. It killed him inside all the guilt. I was understanding about all of it because I know if he had the choice, we’d be together, but we don’t. He needed to try & fix his family. It really hurt me. He’s with his family, they are working on the problems, but happy. Me….well I don’t know. I’m not sad about him anymore, it’s been 5 months. (Don’t get me wrong I have my moments) but overall im good. Just in general, my life, I just feel lost. Completely lost. Not happy, sad. I don’t know what’s next. I don’t have any idea what I wanna do as a career. I am not taking classes this semester. I live back with my parents. I hate it. I want my independence. I’m just lost. I dunno

  • Priya

    Hey guys please help me. I know I am not different but currently in a very catch situation.
    I loved a guy for 4 years. He loved me too. But his perception to life differed from mine. He was always there for me. But since our ideology of life didn’t match up we had been constantly fighting and finally we just broke 2 days back. I am still thinking about him if I did the right thing.
    He is now ready to go and marry whoever his parents have fixed. I understand that if I marry him I need to adjust a lot with his family as our families differ in culture and creed.
    I am now confused whether to go back to him or move ahead and accept as life comes in.

    Please help.

    • Trevor

      It’s going to be OK if u keep on looking you will find the right one .There is so much people in this world to be hung upon sad for one person!maybe I could be the one for you ?good luck with everything!!!

  • Isha

    Hello my boyfriend and I are complicated, weve been thru break up many times before but the last break up we had was the most painful and it breaks my heart like my world is lost. But he said to me ” We are not finished but we arent together like we were” What does it mean? we still communicating tho but its like a friendly messages. It was all my fault , I was the one who ruined the relationship and shattered our relationship, bcuz of my insecurities thats why, he have had enough of it but the last time he told me was ” We need both a bit of space” Im so confused.

    • Criss sara

      I think he’s fond of you so don’t stop talking to him.
      But I do think that someday he would be no longer be talking to you .
      so don’t be upset cause he knows that you are a girl that he wants and you’re the right choice.
      So don’t make him upset don’t take up any stress nor give it to him just be calm and enjoy like children do.
      I hope it works.

  • Priyanka

    Thank you for the article on the emotions after a breakup, this came really helpful to me. several feeling of loneliness, sad, anger that’s described here I can totally relate to these days. I will try to look forward to my career and goals

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thank you for your comments on these emotions you’ll feel after a breakup – I’m glad the post was helpful.

    I’m sorry you broke up with your boyfriend, Leigh, but glad for you that you have broken free! It takes alot of courage and strength to let him go, to end a relationship. I admire you for finding your way back to yourself, for being smart and knowing that the relationship wasn’t fair to you.

    I’ll keep you in my prayers, for growth and healing and peace and joy. You will feel happy and centered again, and you will be so glad that you are where you are! It just takes time.

    Be well, take care of yourself.

  • Leigh

    I’ve gained a lot of insight and hope by reading this and the other articles regarding breakups and keeping strong. Thank you. I broke up a month ago with my boyfriend of 3 years, it was me realising that i had stayed in a relationship that had not been good to me emotionally and spiritually. It was a very hard decision to make because I love him so much. I love him unconditionally, throughout his infidelities and lies and disrespect…He had some amazing qualities too though. I spent so much time compromising my morals and beliefs to be with him because I believed he had potential to actually treat me the way he promised to..I lived for an idea instead of the present situation in the relationship..I lost myself along the way and one day I asked myself what my beliefs are? What are my dreams and goals? When I couldn’t answer this i knew that I had finally been drained of all I had to give in the relationship. I knew it was time to find myself again before I was too far gone in the resentful and detached place I had been in for a few months. I knew it was unfair on him to up his efforts if they were going to be futile. The damage was done and as much as I wanted him to be the one, he just wasn’t..It was unfair on me to be repeatedly treated in a manner I wouldn’t previously have accepted and it was unfair on him to have to bend his true desires in his life to make me happy…life is too short and precious. I only want the best for him, his happiness, even after it all… I see him everyday as we work together, it’s been hard..The situation has finally hit home and I am faced with many emotions that you have mentioned above. I am hopeful though and go day to day knowing my emotions will eventually settle. Sometimes ‘knowing’ doesn’t sooth the moments pain felt and the memories keep flooding in…I keep strong knowing I am EXACTLY where I should be in my life, nothing has been by mistake and i have no regrets.

  • Claire Laraine

    Please know that what you are feeling and experiencing right now is completely OK. You are at the beginning of your healing journey, you are going to go through all the emotions this article talks about. Its important to stay connected or start to re-connect with yourself during a break-up especially if you are feeling lonely and lost.

  • Lil'mammy

    My boyfriend and i just broke up 2days ago… and its been hell for me… i feel like my world is tearing apart, i feel so lost, i blame mysef for evrything. iiiiiiii just cant stop crying… i av no friend… he has always been my only friend, i cut off all my friends just so this relationship could work, but it didnt… now my world seems so void, i wake up everymorning with a very heavy heart… im more like a loner right now