When you believe nobody truly loves you, you feel alone, unloved and unwanted. When you allow yourself to drown in those feelings, you feel even worse about yourself! And you keep spiraling downward. What do you do when you keep thinking “no one loves me”? How do you change your beliefs?
You can’t change how people treat you or talk to you…but you can change how you handle the thought that no one loves you. You might not be able to change your situation, but you can change how you cope with your life. You can change what you allow yourself to believe about yourself and the world, and that will change everything.
Two things to remember: 1) Your “no one loves me” feelings will always come and go. They will rise and they will soon pass, like a tumbleweed blowing through your life. 2) You have the power you need to change how you feel about yourself…and that will change how others see and treat you.
My tips are inspired by a reader’s comment on one my most popular blog posts: What to Remember When You Feel Like No One Cares. Her name is Dora; she described how her family affects how she feels about life, sees the world, and thinks about herself. Dora is smart. She used to believe no one loves her, but she’s taking her situation up a level. More than one level…she’s going all the way to the top!
“Your experience about being in/out of foster homes and your family background is encouraging,” says Dora on “I have had a tough childhood with abandonment, alcoholism, abuse, etc. And even to this day when I contact my mother, it is very one sided conversation about what is going on in her world. I don’t get phone calls from my family to ask how I am or check on me. I often feel like no one loves me. My brother passed away in his sleep due to natural causes, and no one found him until two days later! It sounds so lonely. I am so unimportant to my family that I need to deal with this with the Lord.”
3 Things to Remember When You Believe No One Loves You
When you ask yourself who loves you, do you count yourself? In other words…how do you feel about yourself? Do you like yourself? Liking yourself means enjoying your own company, feeling content in solitude, and even being able to eat in restaurants and go to movies alone.
How much time do you spend alone with yourself? I’m talking alone alone — alone with your thoughts, feelings, dreams and hopes. Can you go for a walk by yourself, just thinking and letting your imagination carry you along? I ask this because of you don’t like (or even love) yourself, then it’s hard for others to love you. And even if they do love you, you won’t know how to receive their love.
1. Think about how you receive love. How do you want to be loved?
I’ve been thinking about love a lot lately. I’m learning how I need to be loved. To me, love is listening and talking honestly about stuff that matters. God, the meaning of life, contemplative prayer, silence, and experiencing the presence of the Holy Spirit. Jesus. Spirituality. I give and receive love by thinking and talking deeply about our hearts, spirits, and souls. Thus, I feel like no one loves me when I have nobody to talk to about this deep ooshy gooshy stuff.
How about you? Before you jump on the “no one loves me” train, define what love means to you. Then you’ll have a better understanding of how you feel loved and what makes you feel wanted. This understanding will help you get through a bout of feeling unloved and unwanted.
If you already know how you give and receive love and you still feel like no one loves you, read When You Don’t Feel Good Enough to Be Loved.
2. Remember that your “no one loves me” feelings are temporary
This, too, will pass. You are going through a bout, a phase, a season. You may have strong feelings of being unwanted, unworthy and unloved right now…but you won’t always feel this way. Your feelings will always come and go, like a tumbleweed blowing through the day. Unless, of course, you hold on to them. Even resisting your feeling that no one loves you can make it stronger because you’re putting energy towards it. Resistance is a form of energy, and energy makes things grow.
So instead of fighting the feeling that one one loves you, know that it is just a passing fancy. You feel unloved and unwanted in this moment but you won’t always feel this way. In fact, it’s possible that you’ll feel different in an hour, or even ten minutes! It depends on how you give and receive love.
3. Wake up to your thoughts and refuse to believe the lies
Knowing that my thoughts and feelings of being unloved and unwanted will always come and go is helpful. But even more helpful is changing how I think about my thoughts. Byron Katie’s “The Work” is a powerful way to change how we think about feeling like no one loves us.
“A thought is harmless unless we believe it,” writes Byron Katie in Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life: “It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.”
You may think “no one loves me” but it may not be true. You might believe you’re alone and unwanted, but you may be allowing false thoughts and lies to permeate your mind, soul and spirit. You may be riding the wave of your feelings and expectations instead of taking time to investigate reality. Is it true that no one loves you, or are you feeling sorry for yourself? Maybe you’re grieving a breakup or loss, or you’re lonely or homesick for the past.
“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless,” writes Katie. “It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.”
Remember this when when you feel unloved and unwanted:
- Your “no one loves me” feelings will pass (unless you cling to and grow them!)
- You have the power to change how you feel and think about yourself. If you refuse to believe the lie that you are unlovable and unworthy then you will start to see more love in your life. Unexpected forms of love, in surprising ways, from different sources.
“The more time I spend in God’s presence – not praying necessarily, just being – the more love I feel. The peace of Jesus Christ, the warm embrace of the Holy Spirit, and the love of God the Father is overwhelming when I sit in silence. There is no love stronger than divine love from the Creator of the Universe. There is nothing like Divine Therapy to heal your heart, spirit and soul. Nobody can love us like God loves us…and I think that’s why we feel so unloved and unwanted. We yearn for God’s love but we don’t recognize Him. We try to get His love from people, and possessions and experiences but nothing measures up. So we’re constantly battling feelings of loneliness, unworthiness, and unlovability.” – from How to Stop Believing the “Nobody Loves Me” Lie.
With the love of the Father,
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