How to Cope When Your Husband Leaves You for Her


Saying – even just thinking, “My husband left me for another woman” – is heartbreaking, but help is here. These tips for coping when your husband leaves you for her will help you survive even when you’re completely shocked that he walked out.

“I can’t believe this happened to me, the pain is unbearable,” said Esmie on How to Get Over the Pain of Being Cheated On. “I spent nearly two decades of my life with my husband, just to watch him walk away. I didn’t know he was unhappy or that I’d be searching for tips on how to cope when your husband leaves you for another woman. Do men who leave their wives after all that time regret it? Do they feel guilty about what they have done? I know it doesn’t matter because when someone wants out, they want out. It’s just sad some people think marriages are so disposable. Before we got married my husband pursued me so hard and he wanted to rush to get married. So I said ‘yes’ and now…he files for divorce and that’s it. Wow. I pray for the day to come when I don’t wake up feeling this huge anchor on my chest, the day where he is a distant memory and I wonder what the heck I ever saw in him.”

I don’t know if men who leave their husbands regret it, or if the pain of betrayal ever really goes away. I don’t even know if time heals all wounds. But, I do believe that you CAN recover and rebuild your life. You might even find a way to be happier and more fulfilled than you ever were before.





You might even Blossom.

7 Ways to Cope When Your Husband Leaves You for Her

Here’s what one famous wife said when her husband walked out:

“I’m not sure what the future holds, but I do know that I’m going to be positive and not wake up feeling desperate,” said Nicole Kidman. “As my dad said ‘Nic, it is what it is, it’s not what it should have been, not what it could have been, it is what it is.’”

It is what it is. These aren’t the most comforting words in the world, are they? But it’s the truth. And the sooner you can accept the truth, the quicker you will begin to heal. Part of accepting the truth might be learning Why He Had an Affair and How to Recover. Your husband’s leaving may be the worst betrayal in marriage and it may be the worst thing your husband could ever do to you…but it’s what happened. The sooner you can accept that it is what it is, the sooner you can move on and create a better, more meaningful, happier life.

Here are seven tips on how to cope when your husband walks out on your marriage. This isn’t legal or financial advice; it’s how to heal your heart and self-esteem.

1. Realize that his leaving isn’t a direct reflection on you

No matter how beautiful, successful, slim, or rich their wives are, some husbands will be unfaithful. Men cheat and leave their marriages for a wide variety of reasons – many of which have nothing to do with their wives. To learn more about cheating husbands, read Is Your Husband Cheating? 5 Signs He’s Having an Affair.

More importantly, remember that your husband left you for another woman because of his problems – which aren’t a reflection of you! It’s not that you’re not good enough, or she’s a better woman. To be able to say “my husband left me for another woman” and survive, keep reminding yourself that your husband left you because he has his own issues.

2. Learn how to forgive your husband for leaving

“When you forgive, you in no way change the past – but you sure do change the future.” – Bernard Meltzer. This may be one of the most difficult thing to do after your husband leaves…and it’s the most necessary.

Don’t carry around the bitterness, misery, and pain of an angry woman. Don’t allow his choice to dictate how you live the rest of your life. Don’t let his mistakes drain the joy, love, and spirit out of your life!

Learn how to forgive. Actually, I should have put “grieve the end of your marriage” at the top of these ways to cope when your husband leaves for another woman. Right now, you’re grieving the loss of your dreams, the end of your marriage, and the pain of discovering that your husband won’t be spending the rest of his life with you. Allow yourself to grieve, and learn how to forgive.



If you need help moving forward...

Sign up for my free weekly Blossom Tips

* indicates required



3. Stop comparing yourself to the other woman

You have strengths and weaknesses that she doesn’t have, and she has strengths and weaknesses that you don’t have. It’s pointless and futile to compare yourself to her, to try to figure out why your husband left. It’s a waste of time and energy! Accept the fact that for some reason, your husband had to go. It’s not even about you; it’s about him.

If it makes you feel better, make a list of your strengths and her weaknesses, and read them when you feel down on yourself. But I actually think it’s better not to compare yourself to the other woman at all. You need to focus on moving onwards and upwards after your husband leaves, not on what the other woman has that you don’t. This is your time to concentrate on healing and personal growth. It doesn’t matter who or what she is…what matters is that you have a life to rebuild, a self-image to recreate, and a new identity to focus on.

When He Leaves: Help and Hope for Hurting Wives by Kari West and Noelle Quinn will give you hope and encouragement as you learn how to cope after your husband walks out. There are no easy answers – but you can reach out for companionship and the knowledge that you are not alone.

4. Spend time with women who survived when their husbands walked out

Who will walk alongside you, as you work through the pain and process your loss? If you don’t know who to talk to, consider asking your friends and family members if they know a woman whose husband left her.

How to Cope When Your Husband Leaves You for HerIf she survived the end of her marriage in healthy ways – and if she’s stronger, happier, and healthier – spend time with her. Ask if you can buy her a coffee; learn how she overcame pain of his cheating on you and leaving. Soak up her courage, health, and wisdom.

One of the best ways to survive a traumatic event – and learning how to cope when your husband leaves you for another woman is definitely a type of trauma – is to connect with people who know what you’re going through. Gain strength and healing from women who have survived similar problems in life. Join a grief support group, or form your own little group of women who surviving such a major change in their lives.

5. Let go of your old hopes and dreams for your marriage

If you think your marriage isn’t over, read How to Know if Your Relationship is Worth Fighting For. But don’t fight reality. Don’t allow your wishes and pain to change how you see the truth. It’s better to face and accept the truth – to surrender to what is – instead of wishing your life could go back to the way things were.

And remember that you’re not just grieving the fact that your husband left you for another woman. You’re not simply mourning the loss of him as a man. You’re actually grieving the end of something that was so important to you. Your marriage may have been the focus of your life, and saying “my husband left me for another woman” may be the most painful words you ever utter. You lost something you believed in and thought would last forever. So, you’re grieving the end of the marriage you thought you had, that you hoped you had…you’ve been betrayed, and you aren’t as innocent and trusting as you were before.

This is a huge loss, and I am sorry you have to go through this. But to heal, you have to grieve not only the loss of a husband, but the loss of your marriage, the loss of the things you hoped for on your wedding day. You need to grieve the painful reality that your husband left you for her, and that you have to rebuild your life.

6. Get help coping with the end of your marriage

Counseling is about making sense of your life, and figuring out how to move on after betrayals, heartaches, and heartbreaks. Talking through your problems with an objective counselor, spiritual leader, or psychologist can help you let go. An objective professional can help you see your big life picture and your more detailed personality characteristics.

husband left me for herIn He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After 40, Erica Manfred Erica Manfred shares her own divorce experience, as well as the advice of experts, with specific sections tailored to women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s.

If you feel lost and helpless because your husband said he doesn’t love you anymore, don’t spin your wheels alone. Invest in yourself emotionally and spiritually – a counselor or a support group for divorced women can help you make sense of what why your husband left. You need to focus on picking up the pieces of your life and starting a fresh new chapter of your life.

how to cope when your husband leaves you for another womanRunaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife’s Guide to Recovery and Renewal by Kari West and Noelle Quinn will help you start feeling better yourself, your life, and your future. It won’t be easy, but you WILL survive.

7. Start something new in your life

This is your chance to embark on a new chapter in your social, professional, personal, or spiritual life! Volunteer, take a solo or group vacation, join a new gym, take a night class, join a support group, check out a new social club, quit your job, go back to school. Surviving a breakup can be about growing into the woman you were meant to be – and about exploring a different part of your life and personality. This may be the end of one stage of your life…but it can be the beginning of a whole new era! It’s up to you…

For more tips on coping when your husband leaves you for her, read How to Let Go of a Relationship.

If you need to talk about why your husband left you for another woman, please share below! Sometimes writing is the healthiest thing you can do. I can’t give advice, but I’m here to listen.

xo



What to Do Next...

1. Stay connected! Sign up for my weekly "She Blossoms" emails.

2. Meet kindred spirits by joining our private "She Blossoms" Facebook Group.

3. Take advantage of free relationship advice from marriage coach Mort Fertel. He also offers "7 Steps to Fixing Your Marriage" - no strings attached.











Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

657 thoughts on “How to Cope When Your Husband Leaves You for Her

  • dee

    Hi all I read alot of your threads and it helped me a great deal. I have just broken up my partner and best freind of 15 years ,3 weeks ago. he is 60 and met a 31 year old, he was having an affair with her since Feb 2018 and I found out at the end of April not because he admitted to it but because I checked up on his travel history and discovered the betrayel.. I was suspicious in Feb/MARCH But he kept denying it and telling me I was being mad, I belived him thinking it was all my fault.
    Once I found out he kept changing his mind telling me he wanted to make the relationship work and then saying he was not interested in making our relationship work as he loved me but was not in love with me. He told me he was in love with this woman he was having an affair with. He moved out 3 weeks ago and I feel a sense of shock . He is now moving in with this new girl , but he calls me every time he needs validation around his Job. How long does this phase last ? Any input would be great.

    Many thanks .

    • Misti

      I’m kind of in the same situation. He left in January. He is 50 and the bimbo is 34. He just told me last week he doesn’t love me anymore again. He hasn’t said that since he first left. I have been trying with him for six months, calling him trying to go to lunch. He has taken 3 vacations with her while I raise our youngest son alone. He has done nothing as a father besides go to his baseball games. I’ve finally reached the point where I’m not calling him or texting him. He didn’t even try to see his kids on Father’s Day. I’m sure it’s because she didn’t have her kids either. She is married also so they both destroyed two families. I can’t forgive him for not still being a father. He is not a part of our family anymore and I need to quit pretending he is. Give yourself six months and you will probably turn the corner where you don’t want to talk to him anymore. Good luck and lots of hugs

  • Michelle

    It is a year tomorrow that my husband left for a younger wi
    Woman (15)years a coworker I have only seen him once we corresponded only to text about dividing our Ira I am coming along I guess but today is a really sad day

  • Carol

    Hi everyone, I don’t seem to be making much progress and it scares me. After being married for 27 years he left after I had major surgery, said we drifted apart but there was someone else. My heart is totally broken. His solicitor is sending bullying letters demanding I sign for a clean break and not claim for spouse maintenance as he won’t be able to live. He emptied both bank accounts and changed all utility bills to Kyle name and I’m now on disability benefits just to survive. What is upsetting me more is that I can’t seem to stop thinking about him and her together, even images of them, its so distressing and my anxiety is through the roof. I still can’t believe he did this, I’ve never been on my own before and I’m scared. Is it normal to have these obsessive thoughts and images like this and will they ever go away as I’m so worried they won’t. How can these men be so cruel and put us through such emotional pain, it hurts so much, people tell me to forget him and move on but I’m trying too but not getting very far. Love to you all. X

    • LaurenKeithKC

      Ok. The fact that you are still alive and able to make a post is tribute to you doing very well. This is one of the most brutal and traumatic things you will ever deal with in your entire life. It causes PTSD, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and horrible obsessions. I tell you that not to be depressing but to commend you for making it this far and for you to be gentle on yourself. It is a horrible thing to endure but I can say after one year I am much stronger.

      • Carol

        Thank you Lauren, yes it is horrific, I never saw it coming and certainly didn’t expect all these awful feelings, fears and emotions. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through it but I’m glad you are getting stronger it gives me hope. Take care x

    • rosa

      Hi Carol,

      so sorry to ser you go through this! I wish I could help you. Believe me I am going through this just like you since two years. It is perfectly normal the way you are thinking and hurting. It feels like they are raping our soul every day. I also have the terrible and torturing images of my now ex husband together with his mistress. Please believe me that time will show you the truth and you WILL heal. Once a Person falls into such deep sin they lose everything that is good inside of them. It is the evilness in their heart that changes them so much. They are complete strangers and the Person they used to be is gone. I know the battle in your mind as you keep thinking there must be something good about your spouse. You just cannot accept and believe that he ever could take such abusive actions. I know you still love him….. BUT you love who you THOUGHT he was….. NOT the stranger that is so cruel. I am still in disbelief and shock. My ex husband did just the same things after 20 years of marriage. As time goes by and the healing comes…. even if with tiny baby steps, you realise that it is not you that made him go….. it is the weakness inside of them. It is how emotionally immature they are and that they were not MEN enough to have a family. Unfortunately time changes a person and the cheater shows who they really are! It is not you!!! It is their low self esteem that makes them who they are. The more they treat you cruel is because they know deep inside that the best is in YOU! They are angry at themselves… they cannot accept their flaws and loss of integrity. They cannot accept that YOU are BETTER……. Evil hates goodness, lies hates the truth…. Be strong and pray for his lost self. Don’t let hate and anger overtake you…. keep your heart beautiful and kind. May God bless and protect you. Leave your husband in Gods hands and pray for him as he is losing the greatest blessing in his life…. his family! My prayers go out for you and for all those whi are going through such a hard trial in life……

      • Carol

        Bless your heart Rosa, I really appreciate your words of comfort. I’m so sorry that you and everyone here have had to be treated this way. It does rip out our heart and soul. People keep telling me to move on as all that woman has got is a liar, cheat and a thief, its true but first some reason I still miss him but know I could never take him back but I don’t think he would anyway as he’s infatuated. I don’t even know why I feel jealous of her, none of it makes sense. I can’t wait to go a whole day when I don’t cry, think of them or feel anxious, I so hope that eventually happens. Everything you say I can relate to Rosa. Thank you so much, big hugs xx

    • Sasha

      Hi Carol, hugs hunni. Everything your feeling is pretty text book. I do hate it when people say move on. It’s like we are meant to squash over 20 years of memories,and forget the one person you trusted with your life. It’s very much one step forward an£ two steps back.
      Your getting there ,and will get there. Stop thinking of them, it serves no purpose,other than to distress you. When your mind wanders,mentally stop that thought and replace it with something else. My trick is to thank the bitch for taking him off my hands.( in my head ofcourse)..she can now have the misery of thinking will he cheat on her,cause between the pair of them,the trust thing will be a massive bone of contention. Concentrate on you, and your health. You have gone through probably the most distressing time of your life. BUT, your still here, able to tell your story,able to show compassion to others…
      My ex is adamant he never cheated. Do I care.? Not really. Asking numerous people including my kids,if I’m dating,and when I ask him to stop because it’s none of his business,he says it’s just conversation…can you believe the BS he comes out with. I was able to tell my ex, I would never take him back, I was a much nicer person without him in my life,and I deserved a real man with integrity. Something I never thought I’d say.
      I guess we are all mourning the people we thought they were. But you never know anyone 100%.
      So today, do something nice for yourself. Tell yourself, he doesn’t deserve you,and fake it till you make it. You are a beautiful,honest soul who CAN get through this. Hugs xx

      • Carol

        Dear Sasha, thank you so much for helping me. It is hard when others think we can move on so quickly. I just need to get the intrusive thoughts and images of them out of my mind. I try distraction, I just imagine them all happy and cosy whilst I’m like this. I’m still in shock really to think he did this during my surgery, took all the money and never bothered one bit how I’d cope alone. You are one amazing lady and I admire you and everyone here for the way you are going through this yet helping others. Someone scared me today by saying if I don’t stop thinking about them now then I never will and that prospect is terrifying as its distressing. Take care Sasha and thank you xx

        • sasha

          Dear carol, you will get past this phase , I promise you. Just think of all the shitty things he’s done when you were at your weakest, and thank your lucky stars you don’t have to put up with his shit ….he’s shown you exactly what he’s capable of. You don’t need that in your life. Funny thing is I have never thought of them together. Perhaps it’s because I really don’t care. He showed his true colours and dragged or tried to drag our daughter into his sad pathetic life. Only that backfired!
          See it like this, he wanted that life, leave him to it, and he will eventually see what a shit life he’s entered. But just concentrate on you, getting better,and carving out a new life. You can do it. Hugs xxx

          • Carol

            Thank you sweetheart, he has done some truly wicked things that’s why my emotions are confusing me as I don’t yet hate him like I should and I suppose I keep thinking she must be better than me as she wasn’t ill. He’s now got his attorney sending demanding letters saying I have to sign a clean break in 48 hours and refuse to go for spousal maintenance as he won’t be able to live yet he drained both bank accounts, changed all utilities to my name and left me penniless so I’m on disability. Thank goodness I have a good attorney who said she will not have me bullied. Thank you Sasha I’m just praying they leave my mind soon, he’s turned my world upside down like they do to all of us and the anxiety isn’t helping. Take care love xx

          • rosa

            Carol,

            it will take time to heal. Remember this, how EVER can this other woman be better than you. NOT in a life time. She is helping your husband to destroy his family!!!! I also asked myself a thousand times a day… what does she have that is better than me? The truth is absolutely NOTHING… She is so low that she attracted a married man that completely lost his sense of mind by cheating on his family. A woman that is so desperate, desperate enough to accept a loser and a cheater in her life! Is this the man you would like to have your future with? We all do mistakes and we are not perfect. Our „husbands „ think at the moment that they are so perfect that they have a right to treat us in such a cruel way. The anger they show us is the anger they have inside against themselves! The more goodness and patience you show the angrier they get. So please prepare yourself for this. It is the sin that is blinding his heart and mind…… all you can do is pray for him as he is losing his soul. You are fighting not against flesh and blood but against evil spirits….. Your constant prayers will protect you and your family…. God bless you!

          • Carol

            God bless you Rosa and thank you. The heartbreak they cause to us all is incomprehensible that’s for sure and the constant obsessing about them is driving me crazy. I don’t even know why I think she’s better or that she’s won as I could never do what she did to another woman and she’s now got a liar, cheat and a thief. I suppose I just don’t want them to be happy and it feels so strange and sad to be alone and not part if a relationship anymore. Also I think its because we had no choice in this, they took our choice away and that’s not fair. Everyone says times a healer, I so want time to go by as right now its so hard to imagine getting over this. Thinking of you Rosa, thank you so much x

          • Kimberley

            Hi Carol I have been reading your messages and can so relate. its 18 months since my husband announced he wasn’t happy and left to live with my stepdaughter, within weeks he was with an old “friend” and within months its was official he swears he didn’t leave me for her but its quite matter less isn’t it. He went from my soul mate and a really decent guy since a month before leaving and up to this day he has turned into someone I don’t recognise, nasty uncaring and down right cruel. He has flaunted said woman in front of me its like he has wiped out our 32 years together. She is horrid, never liked her before, unintelligent not attractive and older than me. I actually went in a pub at the weekend where my step granddaughter was and he was there with her talking to my stepdaughter and laughing it was like a dagger through my heart. I don’t know what happens to these men, how the callous uncaring streak comes in I think it must be a guilt thing they know they have done a bad thing but too arrogant to admit it. My husband since he left has had two minor strokes and now I have heard he has been diagnosed with Prostrate cancer. I have just lost my best friend to it and he never even texted to say sorry. I have mixed feelings about this not sure how to think, sorry he has it as I would be anyone but I just cant worry about it its not my problem now its hers, So much for this wonderful life he has planned without me.
            Keep strong I was doing really well till this last lot of news hit me seems he is always lurking in my mind for different reasons now. Take care. Kimx

        • Sasha

          Lets not forget that IF they wanted to our exes wouldn’t have done what they did. It’s not just down to the trollop. Our husbands made their choice. I’m not so quick to just blame the trollop. My ex made a decision,and regardless of the outcome, he valued his family less. That speaks volumes to me. These men aren’t worth taking back. Imagine it, never being able to trust them? Once that trust and respect for you has gone, kick them to the curb,and let them carry on. Yes my ex has asked to come back, and his behaviour shows me and everyone else he’s unhappy, well he can stay unhappy. He deserves every single crappy thing he got. We deserve so much more,and by heck, I deserve a better man, and will never settle for a cheating,manipulating,selfish twat!

          • Carol

            Yes Sasha it definitely takes two and our husbands had a choice, I said to mine was she worth losing his whole family for and he said YES so that cut through my heart like a knife. They deserve everything that they get, I just don’t want them happy, it feels so unjust and unfair. I need to get strong like you, I’m working on it. Thank you, take care x

          • Sasha

            Dear carol, I have bad days,I really do. But my mentality is she can keep the lying twat. She can keep his dandruff, his oversized body, his lying nature, his snoring, his cheating….cause he will! She did me a favour,lying on her back….he’s no catch believe me,I lived with the man for many years.
            The honeymoon period will end then he’s back to a mundane relationship, only he’s now not living with his family. And without less money hahaha
            My ex took trollop to our holiday home four times last year, but get this…he was meant to go last week, and said to our daughter he wasn’t going because he’d miss her…what utter bull! He would never forfeit a holiday. So my guess is he hasn’t gone cause his parents are out there. I was looking forward to a weeks break from his crap.
            We may never know what the true story is, but I see a stranger who I don’t particularly like very much ….and you will too. You may even be a better person than me and forgive all the shitty things he’s done. I can’t because he’s tried to drag our daughter into his mess…to me that’s unforgivable….
            Carol, you are a far better person than he will remember when you’ve long forgot about him. In the dead of night, the time will come when he questions what’s he’s done.
            Come on girl, you are a wonderful.beautiful soul who will get through this. Let her worry now, cause she’s already had a taste of how deceitful he can be, let her start questioning him when he’s late, or if his phone goes off….oh to be a fly on the wall….

          • Carol

            Hi Sasha, everything you say is so true, I need to remember the many faults and annoying traits he had and there were plenty. I suppose after 27 years I miss being part of a relationship as I’ve never been alone before. I resent him for causing this stress which has increased my anxiety. I know he’s going to lie about his income and outgoing and say he’s not living with her and I know he says he can’t pay spouse maintenance as he won’t be able to live yet he emptied the accounts and left me penniless so I’ve had to go on disability benefits. I so won’t them both to feel pain like they’ve put me through, all husbands and these other women don’t deserve any happiness, my children said Karma will catch up with them but will it I hope so. Like you say one day they will realize what they lost, they deserve to be alone and penniless for ever. Take care love xx

          • Rosa

            Dear Sashs, I so much hope I will see my ex the same as you now see yours. Karma has seemed to hit him quite quick enough! I admire your strength! My ex seems to be the happiest on earth even though he is still lying his pants off about me. Imagine….. after cheating, lying, stealing and cruel manipulation he writes to his son and says the following…….. Life is unique, never say never, take all the chances you get. Enjoy life…. life is not a battle and most of all you do NOT fight for love. Dear son, you must understand my point of view. I would so much like to give you my experience……. Please someone help me, what experience does my ex husband mean??????He showed his son how he lied, manipulated and mistreated his mother. He posted photos on facebook naked in bed in a hotel room after„ doing“it with his 23 year old Filipina…..and then he plays the victim to his son saying „let me explain to you my point of view so that you can understand me and see that your mother is the bad one😱😱😱😱I really begin to think…. help an alien has taken over his brain……To all you beautiful woman out there, I can tell you one thing for sure, if our husbands left and cheated on us it is because they knew deep down…… we were far too good for them….. so their low self esteem made them search for someone just as good as them…. another cheater and loser… ….Pleas keep being strong!!!! Big hugs!

  • Sasha

    Hey ladies. I feel so sad for the way all your husbands and partners are and have behaved. It’s almost text book,the way they all behave. I decided to get some counselling,because after over a year I still couldn’t get past the completely letting go. Yes I went no contact, yes I went back to work, yes I made sure he paid the right maintenance,and yes I made sure his relationship with our child was maintained. But in the dead of night I’d wake,feeling the loss,and even though I will never take him back ,I just wasn’t sure why I felt this way.
    Here’s what I’ve learned….
    It’s ok to feel sad sometimes at the loss. It’s ok to feel scared at your future. It’s even ok to want to wring his neck.
    Here’s why my life doesn’t need his cheating ass back….
    He’s a liar, a cheat, a manipulator, a very,very sad man who thought the grass was greener
    Here’s what I’ve endured over the last year….
    Stalking, constantly asking my friends and their husbands what I’m up to, who I’m dating, asking the kids if I’m dating , wanting to come back,turning up for silly things, trying to be my friend ( ughhh) putting on weight,looking completely lost, drinking more, gambling more.
    I’ve had him hug me, grab my hand and try and keep hold of it, had him tell me and the kids how beautiful I look.
    Now I’ve told him numerous times it’s over. I’ve tried to remain dignified,however our daughter is in therapy due to his pathetic behaviour,and Monday was the last straw,when yet again he fired off questions at my daughter. She’s been through enough!
    He lives with the OW, and he’s got exactly what he deserved. He tells everyone his life is fine, but friends see a broken man. I told him to stop asking, because it would never change things. I’m sad that this man who I spent over twenty years with, has ruined his life. I really try to empathise, but I guess I’m not there yet.
    Ladies you will get through it, you will be able to breath without that pain in your stomachs,you will be able to laugh again. I hope in time I can meet a man worthy of me, because I’m one hell of a woman,great mother and loyal……and he knows it!

    • Ilene

      Hi Sasha,

      You are one hell of a woman!! And you should be very proud of who you are! You held it together during the entire ordeal and you kept your daughter as your top priority. And that is awesome! You are a great inspiration! And there’s nothing wrong with getting counseling, glad you’re getting help and support through this. It is very hard, and I have gotten the inspiration from you to keep moving forward! After 20 years of being with my husband, I married him for I fell in love with him, and looked forward to spending the rest of my life with him. His drinking and his leaving me, the kids and the dogs to be with another woman is devastating. I feel very sorry for him, for I truly believe that he has damaged his brain with his drinking, and it seems like he thinks he is 2 different people, I really dislike the person he has become. And I realize that the part that hurts the most is that he does not seem to care about the pain he has and is putting me through. How could the person I married have turned into this person?

      I understand your pain. The hole my husband has left in my heart is very noticeable, and I see yours is too. Is it so unfair that you give yourself to a person and they shove you aside just like that. Then they seem confused, and they think that everything is ok and that you want to be their friend? And continue having another woman on the side? After the way they have disrespected you and the family, how can that be? They are lost, and they can’t have it all. Specially not at your expense. You do not deserve that, you deserve so much more!

      You’re an awesome person! It is a HUGE obstacle to get past! But you will find somebody who will treat you with respect and love who you are! When you least expect it. Take pride in the person you are. Your daughter will get her strength from you, and you will both be ok!!

      You have come so far! And you are a great inspiration! Let your inner beauty shine!! It will guide you through this!

      Wishing you lots of happiness in the near future! You and your daughter deserve it!
      Thanks for inspiring me!
      Ilene

  • Mel

    Hello everyone. I recently married my husband last august. We were together for 10 years before that. Im just in total shock. Im getting through it yes, but to hear your husband (who you just heard him say the most sweet and loving things during our wedding.) Say that he has no feelings for you, and that he hasnt in the past 3 years; it really kills you. It all started wheb he quit his job and started working with pur neighbor (whos a drunk) and they wpuld go everyday to the bar and there was this bartender. Ughh I never liked him going to the bar and he use to hate going to bars. During all this the homewrecker was getting him to do stuff around her house and protect her from her crazy ex. I told him it wasnt right, but he wasnt himself. I gave him 2 weeks to decided and he pulled me along with little hope. Sending pics of our wedding rings around his neck to coming home and giving me the slightest hope. It was pure torture. So in the end we broke it off. I had to give my dogs away and move into my parents house. Its like we didnt just get married or something. Now he wants an annulment, and i told him to shut up. Like dude im getting a divorce youre not annuling shit. Im still angry but im getting through it. 🙂 this all started in march and its been one month since the split. What hurt the most before i moved was that he said hed never be with me again and he would only cry a tear if he regreted us. It stings. It really does, but i dont think i could take him back. Hes broken, and i didnt break him. No matter what my issues were i could fix all of mine. He chose to run. So let him have his cake and a lot more too. 😉

  • spicy dijon

    My husband left me for his employee 31 years his junior. I found about the affair April 10th. He told me today he is done. He thinks about me but he is NOT considering there will be any more “us.” She is not pretty, not “hot”, not smart, not accomplished. She lives in a rented room and he is living there with her. I have no words for the depth of my grief.

    • Carol

      Sweetheart I so feel for you. My husband if 27 years left at the end of march just as I was recovering from major surgery and emptied the bank account. He met someone else, said she listened, he is infatuated. It hurts so bad doesn’t it, total shock and like a bereavement. I’m finding daily life hard, I expect you are too love, I keep thinking of them together very obsessively and its distressing me as I’m worried that will never stop. Plus I don’t understand why I still miss him and have feelings for him when he totally abandoned me and his family for her. This site is amazing full of wonderful people and Lauries words and advice help so much. I’m thinking of you, love Carol x

  • NadiaJ

    I have posted before but I am still finding things incredibly hard and would really appreciate some support and advice. After having an affair almost ever since we moved into our long dreamed of brand new home – which I discovered at the end of last year – my partner of fifteen years eventually moved out at the end of January and moved her into a one bedroom flat just up the road from our home. He has changed completely and is like an alien. He seems besotted. It is so childish. He has spent the last four months pressing her to get divorced (she is shooting her mouth off to someone indiscreet who keeps me informed) but insists, to me, that he has made a huge mistake and that he wants to come home, that he misses me, loves me, loves our life. To her he is saying he misses our house, that he will never have another house like it and saying nothing about me except that he has to handle me carefully and he knows he needs to just tell me to f off. She seems to be calling all the shots which is so unlike him. He is usually the one in charge and he likes it that way. She told him he had to come round and tell me to back off and leave him alone and what he did, instead, was visit and have dinner with me, telling me how nice it was to be home, kissing me, cuddling me and telling me he had made a huge mistake but it was “difficult” to come back. Difficult? He confessed that she is pregnant. He has three adult children and has NEVER wanted more. He will be fifty by the time it is born! He said he was hoping she would terminate it and then he still wanted to come home. But she didn’t get rid of it and he said he would have to stay. Now he says she might get rid of it. I am so distraught. I don’t have a family because he did not want one. She was having fertility issues in her marriage, obviously her husband, and supposedly her “pill” must not have been working. It is so obvious to anyone with a brain that she has got pregnant on purpose – she saw rich baby daddy, but he just cannot see that. He says she’s been in tears over it. But that’s because he’s said he doesn’t want it! Even if she gets rid of it, if he stays with her she is going to want a family and he has never wanted more children! He wanted to retire soon. He is introducing her to people as his girlfriend, introducing her to work colleagues, friends, has started putting their evenings out on social media and yet he hasn’t even officially told anyone in our lives that he has left me. And he tells me he wants to come home! He is talking to her about getting married before it’s born but, to me, is nearly in tears when he speaks of it. He absolutely doesn’t want it. I just don’t know what to make of any of this. I can barely breathe through the pain of it all. In the past, when he has abandoned his previous wives/partners (there are four of us now) he has always got away with leaving and then introducing a new person as if there was no cross-over. He is trying to do the same, I think, stopping me from exposing him by saying he intends to come back. But then I cannot imagine he wants this life, with her, when he has NEVER wanted a family. He scowls at kids that come near us in restaurants. He has so little patience for them. And working the hours he does he is never going to cope with a baby. So I am torn as to what to believe. I just don’t know what to do. He is under pressure from her to sell our home. She has already said to him that whatever funds they get are for their future and the future of any family they have! What a money-grabbing ho she is. They have only known each other five minutes! They both have somewhere to live. I will have nowhere! But he is not pressing me to sell the house. So, again, I think he is torn or maybe does want to come home. But all his words to her say the opposite. He rarely contacts me. But if I am out of touch he messages to say how much he misses me, that he cannot stop thinking about me. And he left post-its all over the house saying how much he missed me. It is just torture. Please help me.

    • Sasha

      Hey Nadia, it’s hard isn’t it. Even with the resolve I have of never taking him back. I think we are all at different stages of letting go/ grieving etc…
      He’s pretty much in the worst nightmare , kid on the way ,50, and from what you say can’t really be sure of what he wants. For your own self preservation stop contact,and get counselling.i feel the pain your in, the words jump out at me,and I know that feeling. It’s gut wrenching! As hard as it will be ,cease any contact,because every time you answer his calls/texts,he knows your there.
      That one person who you trusted has made your world come crashing down around you, but you can get through this.
      I’m over 14 months down the road, and although I’ve never been so sure of NEVER taking him back, when I have doubts I remind myself exactly how he’s behaved.
      My ex is now working overtime telling the kids how beautiful mum looks, asking if mum has a boyfriend, offering to do jobs in the garden if needed….he can kiss my arse! He’s stuck with the trollop who looks like an OAP….and he deserves every miserable minute he gets. I’m not a vengeful person, but I’m a great believer you get back what you put out in the world….
      The best thing I did was cut off all contact and let him get on with it. And lots of support! Hugs hun, your just having a bad day. Be kind to yourself and let him worry about what he’s going to do…..he caused his own misery xxxx

  • R H

    I’m saddened and I don’t know how to let go. Married for 21years with 3 children – 1day out of no where my husband said he wanted a divorce and that was it! 2 weeks later he moved into an apt- I then found out he immediately started seeing one of his asst. mgrs which is 20 years younger. I’m devastated and he’s happy and in love – it’s only been 3 1/2 months- during this Time I asked if we were doing the right thing and if he was happy – he said he wants a divorce and to move on- pretty sure he had an affair with her – he hasn’t denied it – why do I still live him – why can’t I stop crying – why can’t I let go – why does he get to be so happy???

    • Karen

      I’m going through the same thing. My husband and I have tons in common and he was always really attracted to me. After kids, he started chasing a younger woman. Then cheated with her, then left me for her. We’re in our 40s, she’s 28. It’s gross and not because of the age difference really just because if the commonness of this story and how pathetic it is. We’re not pathetic, they are. I’m finding happiness again by focusing on being able to make choices without his approval and really going after goals I’d felt held back from before. Don’t get me wrong, she is visiting the area for the first time and I’ve been crying for 3 days but I’m gonna let myself and then brush myself off and keep going. They’re fools with tiny egos that need the validation.

  • Ilene

    Hi,

    I am truly sorry for all you who have gone through this and are currently going through this. My hat goes off to all of you who have come out of this ok and as a stronger woman! I am not sure I have the strength to do so, but I’m trying my hardest. My heart is broken beyond repair, and have tried my hardest to try to understand what happened, why is this going on, why did he just bail, why after giving my husband 20 years of my life, he just constantly lies straight to my face and is so cold hearted towards me? Does he really have no remorse? How can he have chosen this other woman who has filed for divorce during their affair, leaving her husband in a state of shock. How can he just move out shortly after to be with her and tell me we need some space to try to work on our issues? But I don’t see him working on anything with me, just spending all his time with her when she does not have her kids? And when she is busy with her kids he comes to see me and the kids and is with us for no more than a couple hrs? How can he put this woman above his 4 kids, ages 13, 11, 9 and 6?

    I found out about this woman almost a year ago when my oldest daughter, she was 12 at the time, came to tell me that daddy was hiding in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet, texting on a phone she had not seen before. I confronted my husband about the phone, we got into a wrestling match over it and he ended up smashing it to pieces! He just said he was texting a friend, and since she was a girl he was scared I would get upset and got worried and that is why he smashed it. I’m an idiot, deep down I figured she was more than just a friend but I really wanted to believe him. Why would he have done this? Why would he lie to me? So I figured I’ll try my hardest to get him back, before his friendship with this woman turns into a full blown affair! But I failed, it has been the worst and most painful year of my entire life! Some days I wished I were dead, just so I did not have to feel the pain I was feeling, but I could not think of leaving my kids behind with this person, who I have no idea who he is! He is not the person I married, nor the person I had kids with! This person is a complete stranger! He had started drinking heavily a couple of years ago, and turned into a drunken fool, and of course, met this person at a bar. Of course, he blames me for his drinking and of course, it’s my fault he ended up meeting her. I get it, we have 4 young kids, I had gotten laid off not too long before he met her, and was thinking of making a transition to teaching, as it would be a more compatible schedule with the kids, and was busy driving them around to all their activities as I was the one who took care of all their activities, and would let him stay home and cook dinner, as he said that was his stress reliever after a long stressful day at work, so I gave him some quiet time at home after work so he could de-stress. I thought I was doing a nice thing, but I guess he was feeling neglected.

    But anyhow, I ended up figuring out who this person was, found out where she lived and found out her husbands phone #, and texted her and my husband and told them to put an end to their affair for our kids sake, or I would have to text her husband and let him know. She said she would back off, I guess my husband was not so interested in that and got upset at me. Anyhow, my husband would disappear for hrs saying he had errands to do. Took me a while to figure out that errands meant he was going to see her. Yes, I was a fool!! The husband ended up figuring something was up between the 2 of them, and he told her to stop texting my husband. My husband was pretty depressed and upset, but I thought finally, that would be the end of the affair. But on New Year’s Day my husband was gone for most of the day “running errands” and I realized they were together. I asked my husband, he said yes, he spoke to her, and I just lost it and texted the husband to let him know they were hanging out again, and that is when I found out she had moved out right before Xmas, and had taken their 2 girls with her, and asked him for a divorce. In January my husband told me we had issues so he was looking for a place as we needed some space to work out or differences. I had asked him quite a few times over the summer and fall to chose between me and her, and if he wanted her to leave me and let’s get divorced.
    But he said he did nothing wrong and didn’t want to get divorced, he wanted to to try to work out our differences and blamed me for yelling at him all the time and that was the reason he needed to move out. Yes, we had been arguing, I had argued with him about his drinking for a couple of years now, and asked him to cut down on his drinking and asked him to spend time with me and the kids, and help me with the kids a little more, for I really seemed to have no time to even keep up with the house work. The arguing got worse when she came into the picture and he seemed to have all the time in the world to spend with her, but no time for me or the kids and no interest in helping me. Started dissapearing most of the day during the weekend to go to bars with her and who knows what else, and coming home late after work to eat dinner with her and have some beers, for as he said, they are human beings and they need to eat and drink and what’s wrong with meeting just a friend for some beers and share some laughs after a long day at work. I didn’t understand why he chose to spend all his time with her and really didn’t want to accept the fact that it was obvious he was having an affair and had no problem lying to me, and making up after work excuses to be with her.

    Anyhow, he moved out in Feb. Promised me he would come every day to see me and the kids and cook dinner for us, but that was just another lie. He would only come on the days she was busy with her own kids, because as he told me, they were both mature grownups, who are just friends that make each other laugh, to help each other get through this tough time in their marriages. And they had an agreement to not be around their kids when they were together. He never gave me his new address, and told me he would only after I agreed to let the kids come over. His visits were short and only on days she did not have the kids, and he wouldn’t come every day on the weekends when she had the kids. Instead of cooking, he would take the kids who wanted to go with him to the pub to eat dinner, while he had a couple of beers. I did figure out where he lives, also hired a private investigator who told me she stays over at his place, drove by it one night to see for myself and sure enough her car was there. I told him I will not allow my kids to go there until we’re in the process of getting divorced, for they do not need to see that daddy lives with another woman while we’re still married. And he said that I am interfering with his relationship with the kids for I do not let him take them to his place. And he also told me that now that he does not live with me he no longer has the urge to drink like he used to, and that should be evidence that his drinking in excess was my fault, and that I should be very thankful to this woman for she is just his friend and is helping him sober up. I know from her husband that this woman drinks heavily and likes to go out to bars a lot and drink.

    I ended up hiring a lawyer, and I told my husband I want a divorce. He is upset at me and wants 50/50 custody and does not want to pay much on child support. He said he would get rid off her and try to work things out with me after I told him I would give him one more chance after he came over one evening to tell me he missed me and the kids. But then I found out he spent the night with her and I believe went out drinking with her the next day for he had a raspy voice when he came to the house, which he usually gets after drinking quite some.

    I really believe my husband is an alcoholic. Not sure if he gets drunk every night anymore as I don’t see him at night, and if the first thing he goes for on weekend mornings is the bottle of beer? Maybe he is cleaning himself up? I don’t know, but I have read that alcohol dependency can change the addicts personality, and make their life revolve around alcohol. I think he is a functioning alcoholic, as he is still holding onto his job. Or maybe it is just my trying to find an explanation to his hehavior.

    Why do I have such a hard time letting go? I never considered divorce as a way out, I said in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad when I got married, and I meant it. It’s obvious he did not.
    I even resented God for making me go through this, if it ends in divorce and that is frowned upon as a Roman Catholic. But then I started praying for my husband to be able to see what he was doing, and for her to see what she was doing, but no answer to my prayers. So now I pray for the strength to make it past this, and for the kids too.

    I just don’t understand how he can be so cold hearted and have no remorse, and keep lying to me that she is just a friend, even though I know she stays at his place most of the time she does not have her kids. And how he wants to start having a better relationship with his kids now, but only when she has her kids. And how he can spend money on her but tells me money is tight now since I kicked him out of the house and he needs to pay rent, so he can’t help me pay for the kids activities, which he has never paid for or helped me with before? How can he put her above his own kids? It just blows my mind! And does he want a relationship with the kids to pay less child support?

    I don’t understand it. Why do I feel like I need to help him for I really honestly believe he needs help and will regret what he has done. How can I feel bad for him when he is the one who has walked out on me? Why am I angry that now he’s saying he will be a good dad? Is that even true? How can he come over and think that everything is just fine and he tells me I will be his friend forever? He has betrayed me, and hurt me immensely, it’s more painful than anything I could have imagined pain to be, I’ve even had 4 kids without pain meds, and the pain is a million times worse! There is no way to describe in words how painful it is to have your heart ripped out of your chest and stomped on and thrown in the garbage when you have kids with the person who has done this! You know you just can’t walk away from them. You get to see them during the healing process and after, for the kids.

    I don’t know how all of you have been so strong and made it through this! I truly hope I have what it takes to get past this nightmare! I admire you!! And I hope my kids don’t have any long lasting effects from this. Most of the time they don’t want to spend time with him, and I feel so very sorry for them too. I just hope we can all make it past this, and I will be ok when he gets to have the kids, which he has not ever had overnight on his own. I don’t think that I’ll ever be able to forgive him for what he has put us through. All for his own personal satisfaction when life just got a little too busy. I guess easier to bail than to deal with reality.

    Sorry for the long story! It feels good to get it off my chest! Thanks for listening … and thanks for the advice in the posts, will try to use all the wonderful advice that I have read in these posts to try to make it through this horrible nightmare …

    Thanks!

    • Sasha

      Hey Ilene…..massive hugs hunni, I feel your pain with what you have written, and know your going through so much pain at the moment.
      I know your hurt,and cannot believe what your husband is doing, however you now have to concentrate on you and your beautiful children. Whatever you say,will never be enough.
      I would not let my ex have my child if he was drinking constantly, especially if he was picking her up in the car. You say you think he uses alcohol regularly, well I certainly wouldn’t agree to 50-50 parental access…..start to think about your children s future and yours. Your husband has not only lied and cheated, but ruined your kids view on him. Let him live his life,playing house with the OW….they deserve each other. She may have saved you from many years of future hell….you deserve to be with a man who cherishes you an£ the kids…..how long do you think they will last anyway. Cause his drinking is a real issue,and he won’t be ble to hide it forever….seems the pair of them got what they deserved. Living with a liar,who deceives….hows that going to work when the dust has settled…a house ,where both don’t trust….that’s karma.
      Irene, it’s bloody hard not to want to scream at him, and he will expect it, cause his ego will be larger than ever. Don’t!
      What worked for me was to cut him out I’m edi. I only discuss anything pertaining to our child. Other than that, it’s no contact all the way. I’m never rude, but I decline getting into any kind of conversation. I’m not interested in what he thinks,and it’s eaten him up.
      Get your big girls pants on, and start making those changes,to better your life. Yes it’s hard, but each day will get better. If you have to give yourself ten minutes a day to think about him,then really stop yourself….use your friends as allies,and for support. Eat well, try and sleep ,and really take care of yourself. Your kids need you…
      a friend said something very profound to me early on after my split..,she said,if it were your daughter what advice would you give? I knew immediately….haven’t looked back,even though he’s asked to come home, stalked me, asked friends about me cried to our child, gambles, …..karma repayed him,and his life is far worse than mine could ever be….always here if you need a chat xxxx

      • Ilene

        Hi Sasha,

        I am very sorry to hear you had to go through this too!

        Thanks so much for your advice and kind words! I hope I can fit into those big girl pants! I did tell my lawyer I want full custody, but he said we would have to allow him some weekends since he has no DUIs nor issues with the law. But he would try to help me get as much custody as possible.

        And you’re right! It is very hard for me to not argue with him! I am trying not to, but some of the things he says are very irrational to me, and just him thinking that he tells me he is not really drinking that much anymore, I can’t quite take his word for it. But he is going to go that route with his lawyer. He has a very high tolerance to alcohol and has never had a hangover so he claims he can’t possibly have a drinking problem.

        And actually, I did tell him if his daughters husband was like him, what would he have done? I told him I would have shown up at their house and taken her and her kids with me. You’re right! I never thought about it that way, for me, for my case. I was thinking more along the terms that he has an illness and he needs my help, one day he will realize it and then I will be able to help him. I thought I could do something about it, be strong enough to help him be the man he was once. But that man is long gone, and you’re right! Letting him go would be the better option in this case. It just makes me nervous if the kids end up sleeping over there, well mostly my 6 year old, as I worry if he wakes up, or daddy falls asleep before him, that he may wander off or something if my husband is not paying attention and does not hear him.

        But thank you so much for pointing that out! I’ll think of it from a different point of view.

        And yes, I don’t understand how they can have a relationship based on lies and be happy! But yes, you’re right, maybe once the honeymoon stage is over, and reality sets in, their dishonesty will be seen between them too. Or who cares, if they are happy, as long as they don’t hurt my kids feelings with empty promises.

        My kids are my biggest concern! I always wanted them to feel loved and grow up in a happy home. If my husband does not want to be part of that then that is his loss.

        Thank you so much for your kind words and advice! I will start thinking of it that way and do my best to move on without him and accept that it’s ok to let him go. And yes, I have to start thinking less of him, I just can’t understand why he is willing to throw it all away for this person. It just seems like such a big mistake to me! Maybe she has done me a favor and I will find out in time.

        It doesn’t make the pain any less, but I see there’s hope in the future to get past this.

        Thanks so much for listening to me and sharing your story and thoughts. It helps to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to keep moving forward.

        Thanks!!

        • Sasha

          Ilene, I love that you are putting the kids first, because like me you are the responsible parent. I see myself as the go to parent for our child. Our relationship has become even closer since the split,and I’m there for her 100%.
          It’s funny how at the beginning we feel out of control,but that doesn’t last long. I truly believe that the time we spend getting through the crap of separation,makes us stronger,and able to enter a better and more rewarding relationship later on. Where as the cheater doesn’t change,only dealing with keeping their head above water. My ex has had to deal with being ignored by mutual friends, having to pay for two households now ( cause the woman he’s with has CCJs,and will have to sell her house in January….then the shit will hit the fan, cause they will only be able to rent) having his relationship with his daughter change which is the saddest thing,cause she was always daddy’s girl. To hear my daughter say she hates what he’s done and who he is ,really breaks my heart.BUT, he managed to do that all by himself.
          He’s overweight verging on obese, is drinking more and gambling. He’s literally parked outside our home daily to conveniently pick our daughter up…we Are 15 months down the road and he’s still trying to find out what I’m up to. Saturday our dog went missing and he turned up to help look. Once we recieved news he’d been found he came bounding through the back garden grabbed me and hugged me. And I felt nothing but pity for him. Because I knew he would never be part of our family again….at the beginning I to,d him he’d made his bed, now he had to lie in it,and I’ve stuck with it. I can’t have a man back who shows so little respect for not only me but his only child. And he knows it…..here as always …hugs xxxx

          • Ilene

            Hi Sasha,
            So sorry to hear about your dog taking off! But glad he was found!

            It’s awful what addiction can do to a person. It is very sad! It seems your ex misses you guys, but yes, the lack of respect is extremely hard to get over.

            My husband’s lawyer received a letter from my lawyer stating that 50/50 custody may not be in the children’s best interest and asking my husband what his schedule plans would be to support that. And also that our marital house, which is where I am with the kids, may be the best base home for the kids. My husband got really upset and started texting me very angry messages. He actually scared me a little, but i don’t think he would hurt me. But that was a new side to him I’ve never seen before.

            My oldest was also daddy’s little girl. She is also pretty upset with him over his behavior in the past, embarrassing her in front of her friends when he was drunk, and for moving out. It’s hard on them too! Yes, I also find it extremely heartbreaking! I just don’t understand how he can think that what he’s doing is normal and justifiable. And all he wants now is for the kids to go to his place. How can a husband and a father be so proud that he has his own separate place to live?

            My husband still looks ok, he claims to be drinking a lot less, but I don’t know that for sure. He has been lying for over a year now, so how can he think his word is all I need, to believe that is true? He still is doing ok at work. But I truly believe he is still drinking. Today he told me he has 2 lives, and that when he is with the kids, he is a member of this family. How can he think that is acceptable? How can he think there is nothing wrong with what he is doing? I think his behavior and his thinking are totally irrational! I believe the alcohol has messed up his brain. I think he has an alcohol dependency issue, and that he is a functioning alcoholic.

            And yes! I feel like I have no control! I sure hope that the kids will not resent me for divorcing their dad. And that we continue having a strong relationship,and they can know they can count on me!

            I just don’t understand why my husband is doing this? And can’t understand how he can think that everything is ok!

            That is great you’re standing your ground! Sorry to hear you’re still dealing with this! And I hope I can be strong like you!

            Thanks!
            Ilene

      • Carol

        I’m still so distressed over NY husband if 27 years leaving. I’ve now started having panic attacks and hate being alone. Everyone tells me to pull myself together and move on. Yesterday I had to see him for the first time since march, I tried to be strong, he got tearful hugged me said he loves me then went back to her and last night he text all cold again and doesn’t want to try again. Why do this to me, I’ve already filed for divorce as he emptied the bank accounts. My problem is I’m constantly thinking about the two of them together its dreadful, how do I stop will there ever come a time when I will not think of him. Love to you all x

        • Misti

          Hey carol, I am so sorry. This is absolutely the worst thing anyone can put you through. I’ve finally stopped crying everyday so I will say there is hope. You have better days coming. I quit calling and texting him and it has helped some. I don’t expect anything. I quit waiting for him to come over. Weekends are hard because we don’t hear from him. He’s a cliche now. A deadbeat dad that doesn’t even try to see his kids. He thinks because he’s still paying the bills that he didn’t abandon his family. Well he did. The one thing that is helping me is I’m redecorating everything that reminds me of him. My next step is to quit answering when he does call. If he calls it’s only for being so ness for me to do something for him. It’s never personal. He never asks how I am. He doesn’t care about me at all and the sooner I let go of him completely the better off I’ll be. I wish there was a fast forward button to get us through the worst of this and get to better days but just know we are here for you and take one day at a time. It will get better. Hugs xoxo

          • Carol

            Thankyou so much Misti, its so terrible what these wicked men put us through and how they mess with our heads. Its like as soon as they meet someone else they become strangers and turn so nasty, leaving us penniless and making us feel like its our fault they cheated. What scares me is despite the lying, cheating and stealing I still miss him and have feelings for him, I don’t understand why, there are moments when I think I hate him. I so hope these feelings go away. Another really distressing thing is him and her are in my thoughts constantly, I imagine them laughing, happy and all loved up while I and the children and grandchildren are devastated. Will there ever come a day when I don’t think of them or don’t care what they are doing it scares me. I so feel for you and your dear family Misti, I’m thinking of you and every other person going through this nightmare x

  • Laurie Post author

    I wish I had the right words, the best advice, and the most helpful tips on what to do when a husband leaves! But there are no words that heal a broken heart.

    I’m so glad you’re here for each other, that you can walk forward knowing that you aren’t alone. Take heart, and hold on to the hope that your life will become brighter and better than you can imagine! You will recover, you will heal, and you’ll be happy again. Keep moving forward, one step at a time, and you will find yourself in a whole new place. And it’ll be better than the old place.

    Here’s an article I just wrote, to help a husband cope with the shock of his wife leaving. Perhaps it might help you a little…

    4 Steps to Recovery After a Shocking Marriage Breakup
    https://blossomtips.com/how-to-recover-shocking-marriage-breakup/

    Take good care of yourself, for you are worth taking good care of.

    xo
    Laurie

  • Carol Packer

    I’m devastated as my husband of 26 years left me at the end of March while I was recovering from major surgery. He said he couldn’t cope with my illness. There is another woman involved. He emptied the bank account. The letters from his solicitor are awful and full of lies. He’s like a changed man so cruel. . I cry all the time I feel so hurt and betrayed. How can i stop thinking about him and missing him as despite the awful things he’s done I still have feelings for him and I don’t know why. Please help I’m scared and feel so alone. Thankyou.

    • Wendy

      So sorry this is happening to you the best encouragement I can give you is life still goes on just keep waking up and praying it helps believe or not my husband was abusive as well and the more I think about it he was just downrite crazy he cheated on me for years and when he cheated this one time I left and had fun with another guy well he used that against me of course when we decide we were gonna try and work it out this was before we were married long story short he would make up lies he wanted to belive about what me and the otger guy did and he would get so angry even when i told him those things never happened but him being crazy he believed his own lies and abused me for them I prayed for god to just have him understand everything he did to me and know that he was wrong and one day he apologized to me and told me how much of the way he was handling things were so wrong from him cheating not helping with the kids not helping financially he said all the things I was feeling about him my faith became stronger he would never have said those things to me and I couldnt believe it and all i could think of was god I asked for that even if we never got back together at least he knows and I know he knows and I can never allow him or myself to blame me for the demise in our marriage cause lord knows I tried…bottom line you and only you know when and how to let go no matter how many people tell you, when your done your done and you will continue on without him its hard but you can do it its his lost remember that…

      • Carol

        Thankyou for your kindness Wendy, I’m so sorry you have endured this heartbreak as well. Its awful how it makes us feel worthless, I feel cast aside like trash. I thought he was my soulmate as he was so lovely, kind and caring but now he’s like a stranger, a monster, the letters from his solicitor are full of lies and so hurtful. He’s left me having to claim disability as I’ll never be well enough to work again, he’s left me penniless by emptying the accounts. I’m thinking of you Wendy and everyone on here going through this nightmare xx

    • Sasha

      Hey carol. The lies justify his action to leave. Ofcourse you still love him, because you weren’t ready for it. Your hoping against hope he’ll come back. All natural Hun. It’s natural to feel scared too,but you know what, you CAN get through this. Take each day at a time. As hard as it is ,start by getting your life back. I felt the same to a certain degree, but then I was more pissed with the woman he chose….I put my big girls pants on,and simply worked on me!
      Try not to ruminate about them, because whatever you think, you won’t be close! Let him get on with it. And ask yourself, if you deserved to be cheated on by a lying,cheating weak man! My guess is not. I’m over a year down the line, and had my ex begging to come back, crying to the kids,asking my friends regularly about my life. I’ve almost forgiven all the nasty stuff he’s done,because I’m so over him. Yes I still think about him from time to time, but I’m a different person now. I’m in charge of my own future and he simply isn’t part of it. The grass may look greener for a lot of these cheating men, but when the honeymoon period ends,they soon realise that what they wanted was right under their nose. Love yourself for the beautiful woman you are,and be kind to yourself….hugs xxx

      • Carol

        Bless your heart Sasha, you are so kind and I can relate to all you say. I can’t wait for the day that I don’t think of him or them anymore. They are constantly on my mind. He’s made me feel like I’m a bit of trash, no longer needed. The worst but was knowing he first went to a solicitor two days after my major surgery 400 miles from home, then left not long after I returned home, he drained the bank accounts yet now I’m on disability benefits he says I can work as he’s not paying me maintenance. He changed all the utilities into my name has ran up debts which he blames me for and is even trying to get my car which is my independence. I’m so glad I have my grown up children and grandchildren but sad for them as he’s abandoned them too. I am so sorry you’ve endured this dreadful heartache but take great comfort in your words and advice. Thankyou so much, love to you.

    • rosa

      Hi Carol!!!

      Please be strong. You are not alone out there. These terrible things are happening neary daily! Same thing happened to me after 20 years of marriage. I know how you feel. You are acting fully normal. When they cheat they go cruel and angry… they do this in order to not feel guilty and try to put away their bad conscious. You think an alien has taken over their body… they are NOT the person who you married. You can‘t believe who this person is! It is like your good husband got kidnapped and a very baf copy is left behind. Protect your self and your children. I wish I could help you, God is with you…….

      • Carol

        Dear Rosa,
        Thankyou so much for taking the time to help it means a lot. You are so right in all you say, I feel total shock and like I’m in a bad dream. One moment I think I can do this, the next I’m in floods of tears. He blames my illness, said he couldn’t cope and doesn’t love me like he used too. I just hate thinking of them, I so hope there comes a tine when I don’t. I’m so sorry you have gone through this and all the others who have, no one deserves it do they. Thinking of you and everyone here xx

        • rosa

          Dear Carol,

          when the evil takes over there is nothing you can do. I always think that the dark side of these cheaters has taken them over completely! Please be strong . My prayers are for you amd all these strong woman who are now going through the most painful time of their lives. Keep in mind, all this has NOTHING to do with you. It is the wickedness that has taken over them. It is the only way I can explain. My now ex husband did just the se. He stole 40 thousand euros and blocked me from the bank! He opened a bank account in the Fillippines for his mistress and gave her 500€ . As if this was not enough he also bought an appartment over ther for 20 thousand €😱😱😱😱Ma son and I are saving every cent each month so we can survive! So as you can see, when the devil takes over they are insane!
          In addition to this he stopped paying my sons monthly handy bills of mostly 15 € per month and preferred to pay 80$ a month for his porno!!! And guess who found all of this out…… my son of 17…. I guess we need to pray for them as these are lost souls! Big hugs to you!

          • Carol

            Rosa, sweetheart that’s terrible, I’m so sorry for you and your Son, like you say our ex is now a complete evil stranger and when they lie, cheat and steal it just leaves us in total shock and having to ouck up the emotional and financial pieces. Then the lies they tell their solicitors, I don’t know how they sleep at night. My heart goes out to you Rosa and everyone else as its like a nightmare that we can’t wake up from. I’m left on disability benefits due to the surgeries and complications yet he and his solicitor are insisting I’m well enough to work so he won’t need to pay spousal maintenance. Take care and thankyou, I’m thinking of you x

  • Laurie Post author

    Thank you for being here, for sharing your story. I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you – I can feel your pain, confusion, and hurt.

    Take heart, for you will come through this. Take your life one day at a time – one step and one moment at a time! Just go slow, and give yourself time to heal. You’re in a bad spot right now, for sure, and your heart is broken. Give yourself the tender love and care you need. Be kind to yourself, and gentle. If you ever needed love and compassion, it’s now!

    Try not to worry about the future. Just take a deep breath, and do what needs to be done today. Focus on the slow steady growth of healing, and your future will unfold. You’ll start to feel bright and happy again — you’ll be surprised! Little bits of light, laughter and joy will creep into your heart and spirit. Your days will get better…and these days will be behind you.

    Here’s an article that may help you move forward…
    How to Heal Your Heart After Your Marriage Falls Apart
    https://howloveblossoms.com/ways-to-heal-your-heart-after-marriage-falls-apart/

    Take good care of yourself, for you are worth taking good care of!

    With love,
    Laurie

    • Carol

      Thankyou for this post it means so much at this dreadful time Laurie. I’ve never felt so worthless and devastated. He ran away and left me just after major surgery, at my most vulnerable time, he emptied the bank account and I’m on disability benefits now just to get by. My heart goes out to everyone who has been through this it is going through it, love to you all x

  • Lynn

    Hello, it’s been about a year since my husband left. He just came to ke one days and said that he didnt live me anymore. I wanted to do counseling and he did go one time, but after we left he said that it was going to be too much work and he wasn’t going to have time for that since he was starting nurse anesthetists school. We had been stressed for several months, but so many things happened in our lives in a 3 month time span that we lost each other. Last year, his father passed of ALS in January , my grandmother fell and broke her hip and had to be put in a nursing home, his brother moved 5 hours away and then his mom and little sister moved 5 hours in a different direction. He also had to quit his job and start school…but he still blamed me for all of his stress.
    Throughout this last year we have had times where we didnt talk for weeks and times where we went on “dates” a few times a week. It was up and down and he wanted to stay in touch with me no matter what. All along though there had been one girl that worked on the same unit as him at the hospital and he would text her quote a bit. Eventually I fix d iut that they had met for dinner a few times, would meet up to run and such…but he always swore that she was just a good friend and he was not interested in that way. He ended up finding for divorce in December and I was honestly floored. Even the day of our divorce (February 8th) he picked me up we went to court and then dinner after.
    Well, about 2 months ago her ex fiance saw him at her apartment and called me, I confronted my ex about it and he told me that she had gotten into the same school as him and she would be starting the program this year and that he was just dropping off some books and things for her to use. I told him that I could t keep doing this that I still loved him but that I couldn’t be in his life if he was going to be such good friends with her because I believed that she had been trying to get in between us this entire time. He cried so much when I left his apartment that night and so did I. We hadn’t talked until about 2 and a half weeks ago, he randomly started texting me just to talk. I was short with my answers, but nice. He said that he missed me and was so alone and missed his family. He talked about school and life. This continued for a couple of days. I agreed to meet him to see how I felt around him because I was supposed to be going to his sisters graduation this weekend and riding back with him. I wanted to see if I could handle 5 hours in the car with him. He agreed to meet with me. That was on a Friday and we were going to meet maybe Monday.
    Well Sunday came and he randomly text me that he didnt think it was necessary to meet that we should be fine and that I shouldn’t feel awkward. I just said okay and joked that he was trying to get out of seeing me, he said no, but he didnt think it was necessary.
    Monday came I didnt hear from him, Tuesday I messaged him about a present I had gotten for his sister for graduation. I wanted him to take it to her since it was jewelry, I didnt want to mail it. He said okay. I asked when I could drop it off because I didnt just want to leave it in his mailbox, he said he was busy that night and the next night too. I asked if he was seeing someone and he said that he was. He had just started seeing her that weekend. I was floored. He told me so many times that he didnt have time to see anyone. He didnt want to see anyone because he wanted and needed to focus on school. That’s why he didnt want to work on us, because he couldn’t right now. I found out that Thursday morning that it was the same girl that he used to work with at the hospital. I was running and errand before work and it was right by her apartment…his, our, truck was outside. I called him and he answered, he admitted that it was her and that he was just so alone and just wanted to be happy and was looking for happiness and wanted to see where things went with her. He had spent the night there, he said that they had been studying and he just stayed because it was late.
    She is literally a homewrecker. She had been engaged for 5 years before and during this. A few years ago she cheated on her fiance with a married man that had a wide and child. They got caught and she split that family up. Fast forward to now. I knew this was her plan and warned my ex when we had just started having problems and he said it didnt matter because he wasn’t interested in her like that.
    Now I’m not even sure how to feel, I told him that I would always be here for him, but not as long as hes with her. I feel so dumb. Has this been their plan the whole time? Has she just taken advantage of the situation? How do I deal with all if these feelings of self doubt. We were married for 7 years. I’m almost 30 and feel like I’ll never have a family now.

  • Denise

    Today is exactly one week since my husband told me he was talking to someone else, didn’t love me anymore and left. It’s like I don’t even recognize this person even his face changed. We were together for 14 yrsand married for 7. I feel like I’m loosing my mind. Nothing makes sense since we where ok just last week making all these great plans for today ur family. I degraded my self when he told me he was leaving, I begged, pleaded, poured my self, and even hurt my self in front of him. I knew that wasn’t going to help, but I was so desperate (still am) all these negative thoughts go threw my mind, but I’m trying so so hard for the sake of our 3yr old daughter. They say if you love something set it free and if it’s meant for you it will come back to you. I can’t take this excruciating pain and my damn mind won’t let it be, he says he’ll still be my friend and that he cares, but he refuses to stop contact with the other woman, saddest part to me is she knows his married and continues to have something with him, who does that? I look forward to the day where he no longer lingers in my thoughts and heart.

  • Maria

    Hi! I really don’t know how to cope with this. Last november, after 5 years of marriage and 7 together, my husband left me because he didn´t feel the same about me anymore (his words). Or course, three months later, he told me he was seeing a woman from work, and what´s worst, he had already introduced her to our 2 year old daughter. That only two weeks after he left us!!!! To make matters worst, in january he took this b**h on a trip with our car, the car we bought together (never even wanted to get out of town with us) and… went to live with her to the appartment where we were going to live! And appartment that took a long time to get finished… two years. I put all my life’s savings into building that appartment, but it is in his father’s name. I trusted them both because they were my family. I went to see that appartment 3 days before he left and told him pleased as punch that it would be over in a month… of course, he didn´t waste his time and just left. He left me in a rented appartment a town away from my parents, without a job (his family’s business, where I had been working for the past year and a half, closed a week after he left me), in debt and completely heartbroken. It was totally out of the blue. I didn’t see it coming. 2017 was a terrible year. First he found out he had a mild degenerative genetic disease and then doctors found he had an aneurism which in the end wasn’t and then the family business had to close. So it was worry after worry. I stood by him through thick and thin, praying to god that he wouldn’t take him away from me… and he took himself away instead. In the process, I lost my husband. Now I’m picking up the pieces… I had to come and live with my father for a while and have, after 6 months, found a part time job. I am worried about my daughter… he tells her I’m bad, his girlfriend even told her i’m a cunt. And they play in bed together! I thank god for my little girl, she is a ray of sunshine and bright as can be. Last week she told me her father had bought a new TV and that he had bought his girlfriend a watch. And that when he says he doesn’t have money to buy his daughter a pair of shoes! I left him all the furniture in the house, except what was mine from before and a few of the things we’d bought together (a washing machine and a TV LOL), i didn´t want anything that reminded me of him: left him all his presents and all. Sometimes I’m ok, but some days I go through the motions, wondering what happened and just seeing the other woman’s face in my mind all the time (I knew her, of course). He says he wants us to have a good relationship, on our daughter’s account, but when we are nice to each other it just kills me, it is as if we were still together. I’d rather fight… It hurts less. (Sorry if I sound too chaotic…)

  • peace

    Hmmmm, we’ve been husband and wife for over 28yrs. He’s had multiple woman n girl friends, had children with them, some of who i nurtured n still nurturing together with our three chn. The last time i gave up on him is when i learnt of his affair with a girl two yrs younger than my daughter n that they hv two children

    • Misti

      My husband just took his mistress to Mexico for a week. I haven’t seen him since. He’s hasn’t been a father since he moved out at the end of January. He told me he was going with a guy friend and then she posted a picture on Instagram of Mexico. I’m so stuck. I’m always crying after together for 27 years and married for 20 I don’t recognize this man. He has totally thrown away his family and doesn’t even care. How do you get yourself to move on? It’s been almost five months and I’m still wishing he would come home. My three kids all say he is trash and why would I want him back. Heaven help me

      • rosa

        Dear Misti,

        I am so sorry you are going through this. Wish I could be with you and give you all the support you need. I know exactly how you feel. After 20 years of marriage and being together 22 years my now ex husband is living „ happy“ with his 20 year old lover. I feel your pain seeing their pictures on Instagram. I saw pictures of my ex with his fillipine naked in bed after doing it in the hotel room. They had nothing better to do as to post it on facebook so that my 17 year old son could see it. I guess the evil has taken over them completely. They are completely lost and in a very thick fog. What I learnt it has absolutely nothing to do with you! It is the brokeness they have inside!!!! I din‘t know who my ex is…. I think an alien must have over taken his mind!!!! They turn to very selfish monsters! One day they will wake up but until then so much pain and tears have been shed. Please do not blame your self and God bless your children!!!! It hurts and you wish everything would be just a bad dream…. Please be strong! Your kids are with you and they are behind you. My prayers are with you!!!!!!

        • Misti

          Thank you so much! This really touched my heart. Today has been a really bad day. I can’t quit crying. I get business emails saying to my husband I hope you had fun in Mexico and I lose it all over again. I don’t know how to get through this pain. And I really can’t believe I still love him and everything he goes hurts so much. He thinks coming over and talking to the kids for ten minutes in a two week period is being a dad. It breaks my heart. I could never not be in my kids lives and he doesn’t care about any of us. My youngest is 14 and says he doesn’t care but I know he does. This is killing me.

          • Alice

            Misti and Rosa- can we please connect off of here somehow? I’ve been married 25 years and my husband is seeing someone younger than our daughter too. Could the three of us connect somehow to support each other?

          • rosa

            Hi,

            of course I would love to connect with you! I live in Germany…. my email rosanna_manes@gmx.de. Wold love to hear from you. Please write so that I can send you my number… we can contact with whatsapp❤️❤️❤️

  • Martha

    My husband 58 yr old retired drinks and is abusive when drinking …he left me and and been gone for a week . not the first time he does this but I know he is with the other woman. I want to move forward .without him.. I know I need to let go . just need extra encouragement . to keep gpi g on

  • Maria Craituna Galang

    My husband left me exactly a week ago and it left a hole in my heart. He has not texted me or anything because he is so mad at me for taking my car from him which is his source of income. He is a grab driver. (Like uber in other country). I know he loves the other girl and he doesnt love me anymore. But i just wish he will text to ask about his kids especially my youngest whom he is very fond of. But im already expecting the worst. That he will not even bother to ask about our youngest son. Just want to move on and forget the pain and anger.

  • Steph

    Hi. I’ve never reached out before on a site like this. I was 45 and my husband did what all these husbands did. For 25 years he seemed like a great husband. I loved him very much, and we have three daughters and I loved our family life. We always from when we were engaged that said divorce was not an option and we were together forever. I discovered his affair by stumbling on a secet email account. He said he would break it off, but just couldnt help himself and went back. He said he was weak and it didnt mean anything. Then bit by bit I discovered more- there had been many prostitutes and one night pick ups on business trips over many years. He had a list of sexual exploits – at least 100 women, and photos of women taken in secret like walking down the street. This affair also had been going on longer than I thought. I couldnt understand what was happening- it seemed impossible that my devoted Christian husband, wonderful dad, fun loving beautiful kind man could even do anything like this. Everyone liked him, he was so nice, and didnt ever let on he was anything but this sweet guy. I thought he must have a split personality, or be bi-polar or have something wrong. He was an expert liar. Then he left us- he played the victim who was going through a mental breakdown, but less than 2 months later he was back with her. He did it that way so he could say he broke it off with me first before hooking up with her- he seems to be the only one fooled by that lie. So here I am 2 years later, he divorced me, married her 3 weeks after the divorce, and like all the other men talked about here, totally changed. He became cold, said what people want to hear, dresses differently, acts superior, and even talks differently. She has 2 girls of her own, much younger than our three older teenagers. It seems his goals were to first win over his new family – many expensive holidays, most often to places he once took our family, building a new house, fun things. Now he has that, his next goal is to have one big happy family. He tries to acheive this by only seeing our girls with his new family present. For example, ask them(or expect them) to come to dinner with them, invite them on his family holidays. He will not see them on their own just as a dad wanting to spend time with them, despite them asking. He says ” this is my family now, and you have to accept them. They are just kids- dont be mean to them.” My girls have been abanded and replaced, and they feel so unloved. They tell me it’s like their dad died and they have to spend time with this new guy. Their grief has been enormous, as has mine, but he dismisses it as me being dramatic. My kids have all been on anti-depressants and had anxiety. One daughter was suicidal but got through it. I hate how I miss him, how much pain I still feel, how valuless, fat and ugly I feel, how much I can’t stand the thought of being alone forever, how I feel trapped, how I still cry at night if I think about it, how he hurts the girls so much, how he never seems to have any consequences for his actions, how society just accepts this as just the way it is, how everyone puts pressure on me just to get over it and get along, and how life can go from what seemed to be great to a horrendous illusion in such a short time. I doubt he ever loved me at all, as I know as someone who genuinely loved that love would stop you from hurting someone as much as he has hurt me. Was it all a charade, a game, or playing out a fantasy? Am I such a bad judge of reality and character that I was so easily deceieved for 28 years if you count our dating years. I still dont have a proper settlement, I cant move on because the girls have to finish school/college and the house is in the area they go, and I love living with my girls and treasure the time I have with them before they move out. I wish he would feel remorse and sadness for his loss of us, but he doesnt seem to have any, except he is annoyed the girls arent fitting in with his plan for one big happy family with his new daughters. My faith in humanity is very low. I have become isolated and withdrawn. I wish I could be really living life like so many other women do after divorce. I don’t want to let him ruin the next 30 years of my life but feel such great loss I am afraid what if my heartbreak is too much to recover from. .

    • Sasha

      Hi Steph. I know you feel like it’s the end of the world,your emotions are all over the place and you can’t see anything positive,because I’ve been there. My ex was happy to quash the last 22 years together and try and live the Brady bunch dream with our young teenager and his trollop and daughter…only he hasn’t banked on our child’s response. She wants nothing to do with his pathetic life. Now for the first six months he did everything he could to get our child on side….then reality hit. He also realised his new fabulous life wasn’t so fabulous. I never begged, asked for his time or rang or texted him. I went no contact,unless it was about our child. I handed the car back, brought my own,got a job,and forced myself to get back out into the world.
      If your waiting for remorse, it won’t come,because at the moment he has to justify why he left you,and by showing remorse,it shows weakness. The hardest thing to do is realise the relationship has ended,but whilst your going through the motions and not trying, you are giving him every reason why he made the right decision. You have your kids which is a blessing. You get to see them every single day, share their moments ,hug them,laugh with them…..
      I was very fair with access,but my ex takes it to the extreme….I have to reign him in once in a while,I’ve had to put up with over 12 months of him stalking,even though he lives with the trollop. I’ve had him turn up on the doorstep numerous times for reasons that are so pathetic it’s laughable, he’ wants to come back, misses the life we had, wakes up every day and wonders what happened….me on the other hand, found myself, started loving myself for who I am and told him in no uncertain terms that if he were the last man I wouldn’t be interested, because I deserve so much more… yes it’s hard, but it does get better ,I promise…. and yes I still have days when I want to ring him about something great that happened,but I simply cannot be with a man who lies, manipulates and found it very easy to rub our noses in his horrible sordid shitfest. And I didn’t have to do anything..I sat back and watched his sad life unravel. I also tried to co parent,but as I was playing by his rules he filled our child’s head with such crap that she now has to have counselling..for that I can’t forgive him…well not yet. Be brave, stay strong, and start each day with a positive. Give yourself a few minutes each day to talk about him,then stop yourself. When you think of him, force yourself to stop..it’s hard but in the long run, will make things easier…and try not to ruminate….it’s the worst possible pain, but life still goes on,and your kids deserve their mum to be happy…hugs Steph, you can get through this xxxx

    • Soph

      Steph your story sounds a lot like my Mothers. She was married to my Father for 25 years and he left her and divorced her. My mom has three girls my two sisters and myself with my Father. We definitely felt replaced and it wasn’t easy accepting that he remarried right after divorcing my Mom to the woman who has bee. Trying to break them up for years. My Father even had children with the other women while married to my Mom.
      And what hurts the most is now I’m going through it myself. My husband of 8 years told me he was never in love with me. He’s been cheating and loves this other woman. And he’s leaving me for her. She has the same situation as him married the same amount of time and also has three kids. I’m so hurt but I know this is right. I appreciate his honesty and it opened my eyes. I honestly can’t make anyone love me. And when he spoke about her it sound like pure love. And accept the the challenge of learning who I am on my own. I accept the new chapter in life. I feel bad for my three boys I never wanted a broken home for them. But life happened. Now I have to refocus myself on me like I should have done years ago.

    • Veda

      I never reached out of this kind of site before neither, i hear you Steph. My husband left me with the woman that i know, we used to play tennis together. She spent time on BBQ with us, we were friends. And she knew that we were married and happy together for more then 22 years, yet he is living with her now for more then a year, while still married to me. Total BS! I am still frozen in time and i cant move .. i feel like my vital energy is drawn out of me. I didn’t even confronted her yet…unlike him ~ asked him for separation which he postpones and keeping me in hope that he will return!? What makes him think i want him back?? We have two beautiful and smart boys that are 22 and 17 and this hit me on my head so hard that i still feel dizzy from it and going through my life and work etc. like some kind of Zombie. That is not my nature. I am jolly and fun and like to dance and sing … now all my motivation to do anything just vanished. I am 39 years old and stuck in the state of shock and disbelieve. I have good friends that want to help but i can only see that only i can help myself, yet im frozen. I started separation process today and hope to get out of this nightmare fast.

  • Sasha

    WEll, we have had a terrible week. I knew my child was finding things a little difficult,and in those times, I’ve tried to be there for her, encourage her relationship with her father,listen, nurture,and most of all show her how much she is loved. I received a call from school,saying she had a panic attack and had broken down. It seems all the questioning, angry dialogue about me she has to hear has taken its toll. At that point it was decided counselling was the best step forward. I cannot tell you how much my heart broke for her.
    I spoke to her father and explained it was unacceptable and it was to stop immediately. His reaction was to minimise what was going on and then slag off the trollop daughter…..he’s a real prized idiot! No other words!
    I have come to realise that he really is a pathetic specimen,and I’ve also come to realise I’m not standing for any more of his BS. So when he turns up and it’s not his access day,I will be telling him to go,if he continues to talk rubbish to our daughter I will be rectifying his behaviour….he even told her not to tell the grandparents about her getting counselling…..I bet he did! God forbid they should realise their son is a manipulating, egotistical piece of work….and all because I don’t want him. I’ve tried to show a United front, I’ve tried to include him in decisions about our daughter…what else is there.? And all this from a man who cheated with a woman who looks about 60 with a large tattoo on her neck…ughhhh

  • Neema

    What if your husband doesn’t conclude that He is going to divorce but He says that, he cant leave his girl friend?

    What do you do as a wife?

    • Annie

      I am going through same situation where my husband does not want to divorce me. He can’t leave that girl instead he left the house. My husband has known that girl for one year, she sell drugs and hooked him on pot. My husband has so much hate for me. I dont know what to do. He chose a trash over his family.

  • Sasha

    Hey ladies…I really cannot decide wether my ex is stupid or using our child to get back at me..he has been harping on about how much maintenance he pays and how he shouldn’t pay it,and if he got his own place ( at the moment he’s living with his trollop) then she would spend two nights with him. When she said she didn’t want to he said that he wouldn’t get his own place..like a spoilt child. He asked her if she loved me more than him,pretty pathetic in my opinion. Has reminded her that the house we live in is his,forgetting my name is on the mortgage…and it goes on and on. I’ve bedn fair with access,fair with maintenance,especially with what he earns…and still he moans. He knows I won’t take him back,so I’m just not sure why he’s behaving so obnoxiously….any ideas ladies?
    I’ve sent him a text and explained it’s unfair to do this to her and to please stop,and surprise surprise no response…I’m at my wits end ,it’s so tiring….

  • Young

    No need for revenge. Just sit back & wait.
    Those who hurt you eventually screw up them
    Selves & If you are lucky, God Will let you watch.

  • Alice

    Hi everyone – my husband left me in November after 23 years of marriage. He had been having an affair with a coworker (who I have met several times) for 1 month. He moved out the house the day after he told me then two weeks later moved into her rented apartment above a pizza shop. He then announced he was going away for Christmas with her, which upset our 2 children but just didn’t seem to care. We had a happy marriage and we had a very healthy relationship all the way through the marriage but then stopped abruptly when the affair started. It was the biggest shock of my life – I trusted him implicitly. We had immigrated 6 years previously to Canada from the uk where we had a successful business but wanted a better life for our children. It was a completely joint decision. He now says that he only came because it’s what I wanted and he gave it all up for me WTF – and it was the worst thing he ever did. He has tried setting up two different businesses since coming to Canada, both failing. Every time we argue he keeps saying this and it’s not true, he’s actually mental, he never expressed once any doubts about coming. Now he’s bought a house with this thing (who’s 32 and can’t even get a credit card her credit rating is that bad – he’s 49) she also has two children she has 5 days on and 5 days off aged 4 and 6. And I know that every time the kids go over he makes excuses to get out of the apartment. It’s not just the affair and leaving – it’s the horrendous way he’s treated me after all this. He’s a bad man and he was the kindest most honest person you could ever meet before this.

    • Annie

      So sorry you are going through this, unfortunately it seems it is common that good men change into someone unrecognisable when they detach from the wives they previously loved to bits! I like you was married 23 yrs to who I thought was my soulmate , we were together 31 years he was my best friend! He left saying he wanted to be alone, no responsibility etc etc 9 weeks later I found out he had been seeing a 32 yr old co worker ! As soon as I found out she wasn’t prepared for me trying to save my marriage and she dumped him!!
      He continued on through his midlife crisis and very quickly met and moved in with another woman who is his age! He’s now her mr wonderful paying for expensive holidays treating her apparently like a princess!!
      I have filed for divorce have taken over mortgage and continue to mop up the mess he left behind… I pray for one day karma will bite him on his backside!
      Try focus on you take care of yourself love yourself xxx

      • Alice

        Annie – are stories are very similar. It really hurts though that he didn’t even want to give us a chance. As soon as I found out he moved out to be with her. We were so in love before the affair started, he’d send me love notes in my lunchbox 2 weeks before the affair started. It still all feels like a dream.

        • Annie

          Aww Alice I know exactly how you feel Hun!! It’s like grieving a death you need to go through all of the process to get through! You will get there it takes time ! I’m 18 mth in but still have my wobbles, unlike our cheating hubbies it’s not that easy to switch off our feelings!
          Try and focus on you and be kind to yourself! Find you again and be happy your better off without someone who would treat you so badly! Much love A x

    • Sasha

      Hi Alice. Your story resonates with so many of us. It’s like they have a personality transplant. Hunny, concentrate on you and the kids. As hard as it seems,and as hurt as you are, nothing you do or say will make an ounce of difference. So don’t put yourself through more hurt.
      Realistically his new affair relationship won’t last the distance. He’s in the throws of passion, lust, and his brains are in his trousers. He thinks he’s in love,so let him live it…because before too long, her kids will make him think big time,about his kids..whilst he’s playing step dad to her kids, he will wonder about his own. Him passing the blame for emigrating is a cheap shot to justify his decision to leave…believe me it’s all about them feeling better about what they have done. I went no contact almost immediately and only discussed our child. I took a long look in the mirror and realised any man who chooses to do what he did, does not deserve my time. I let him get on with his love affair, he moved in with her pretty soon after too. They really are sad and pathetic. So find that strength inside you,and get out. Take the kids to the park, meet up with friends, re decorate….whatever stops you thinking about him. I’m a year in and my ex has realised his life is one big shitty mess. He’s told me he will always love me, misses us, etc….and I’ve told him he made his bed he can lie in it…I will never ever take him back. I am worth so much more.
      My life has changed ,but I’ve got my spark back, and he knows it. Hunny , I guarantee,that once the dust settles he will compare her to you in every way. He will wonder what your up to,why you haven’t called to stroke his massive ego….. patience my dear…..these men think they have it all, but when every day life gets in the way, they are stuck with a second rate woman ,who they won’t be able to trust…..let the fireworks commence! And to add, why do they never go for better….always cheap, nasty women….but never forget ,these men made the decision to cheat,and ultimately if they choose such women, they don’t deserve us! Hugs xx

      • Alice

        Thank you for your advice & support, you really don’t know how much it helps me to hear from other ladies. Your right about the trading down. The only thing she has on me is the age, I’m better than her in every other way.

    • rosa

      Dear Alice,

      don‘t believe a thing he says. When a person cheats on his family they turn to be real aliens! It is scary the way they treat you and how they TRY to justify their reasons for leaving. Deep down they know that what they are doing is so very wrong and that there is absolutely NO excuse in this world to justify what they are doing. Believe me, they act this way because they are without peace and so angry….. at them-selves! They know that what they are doing is very selfish and that they are showing their lowest self. In order to live this anger they need to find their scapegoat and that is you. Please do not take any blame for his cheating. We all make mistakes and we are not perfect. But a person who puts himself higher as his own family, is a person who has a very low self esteem. It is their internal problem. Please be strong. I know exactly the pain, anger, hurt and despair you are going through! My still husband has decided to abbandon his family after 20 years for a person half his age. For me he was my angel. So loving and caring and most of all so honest. Soon after he left me I thought an alien overtook his body and mind. He is cold, emotionless, cruel, manipulating and such a perfect liar!!!!! He is NOT the man I married. I guess it is the sin inside of them. When one commits adultery…. one loses his soul……

      • Alice

        Hi Rosa – it’s so true He is unrecognisable, even physically he has changed he doesn’t look like the same person. He has lost a lot of weight (and he was thin to start) he’s grown a full beard (has never had one before in his life). He has actually aged 10’years in 5 months. I still get crippling pangs every now and then but I’ve turned a corner. I haven’t cried for over two weeks now and Im starting to gain some weight back (I lost 24lbs due to stress). I helps so much to hear from other people going through the same things. Thank you

        • Misti

          Oh my word my husband grew a beard also and lost thirty pounds. I’ve lost so much weight also due to stress. This is the most painful thing I’ve ever been through. We run two businesses together so I see him all the time and he just walks into the house without knocking like he never left. I don’t know what to do

    • Alice

      Thank you so much for your feedback – I was thinking my experience was the worst I had read about, it sounds bad but it really does help knowing this situation has happened to other ladies – and they recovered.i have no family here for support and although my kids are older I don’t want them burdened with my problems. Just being able to tell my story made me feel better. I just need karma to crap all over him and I will be happy 😊

    • Becky

      After 21 years together with ups and down, I found a card on the 23rd of December from the woman he had been having an affair with for the last two years. I investigated further and found messages and semi naked photos from his 12 years younger co worker.
      The woman two years earlier I had a bad feeling about at a work function only to be told there was something wrong with me and iam paranoid. The last two years he has rejected me and pushed me away, hidden his phone, worked late and gone away on business trips. I confronted him last year asking if he was having an affair to be told I was crazy and needed physiological help. He convinced my 19 and 14 year old that there was something wrong with me when he would pick arguments just before they would enter a room to get me upset.
      I waited a month before confronting him about the affair, he lied and said he wasn’t, then he lied and said he was but not with her, then he finally stopped lying but not acknowledging he had done it.
      Now he is blaming me saying that I have caused him so much pain over 21 years, sighting things that have not happened so more lies, and me having post natal depression 19 years ago as reasons for his behaviour. Sadly he is a good manipulator and my kids are angry and upset but directing it at me. Because it’s easier to be near him because he isn’t upset.
      He refuses to leave the house and is making sorting out financial affairs easy, we have moved overseas and interstate for him to pursue and achieve his career with me looking after our children and my career taking a back seat, only to be told now I am a sponger, lazy and money grabbing amoungst other names.
      I am feeling lonely, scared for the future and most deeply hurt by his betrayal and subsequent blame he is placing on me. But the worst pain I am feeling comes from the rejection I feel from my children. Still so raw

    • Misti

      So sorry you are going through this. I am going through the exact same thing. My husband just turned 50 and his mistress is 33 with two kids. I found out New Year’s Eve and he moved out the end of January. Got an apartment and bought furniture for it without telling me. We have three children and have been together for 27 years. I am devastated. I just want my husband back and I cry every day. I don’t know what to do

    • Veda

      Oh my, I keep reading so many similarities with my situation here. We also immigrated here and soon as we got permanent residence off he goes. After 22 now 23 years of marriage.. same as most of you here .. never saw this coming, we were a unit now we are separating… BOOM out of no where … the only difference is he left me for an older woman … and she apparently has money. That is what he is saying to me … and i cant believe that he would found that justifying from my side.. i mean wth.. You are leaving your family that went through all this with you for a woman who has money? When did money ever brought happiness in the real way to anyone. I think i would feel better if he fell in love then doing this … is that odd?

  • Tracy

    5 years after our divorce I had hopes we could build a new relationship, when he always flies back, also hoped for him to have better bonding with our son. But 5 years on he has informed his mum who is very close to me and my son still, he wants to start a relationship with another women. Worst of all it’s the women who broke our marriage 5 years back, all along they have been together, but it has taken him 5 years to tell his mum.

    Will he really stay in a good relationship with this women? How can he leave me and his son?

  • anna

    I’m at 61 year old, my husband is 53 he has cheated on my three times for which I forgive him as he begged for one more chance, found out before Christmas he was cheating again so I kicked him to the kerb for real this time, he has moved in with this latest one who lives almost on my doorstep,but still texting saying he never wanted to part and will always love me !!!!!!!. hes flouting her around town in front of my family and friends , I have seen his new woman but she drive off at high speed either through quilt or fear, she is the 6th woman and home he has had that I know of . I have to be honest I’m not coping very well with it all, the last text I had was him telling me he wants out house sold and wants his half; so that could leave me home less. Keep praying to god t9 help me through this xxx

    • No

      What? 61 and he’s 53 cheater. Okay first is it your home? Is it one you bought together if you already owned it prior to marriage wait are you married to each other? If so, he has committed adultery and good he is letting everyone see it. Do you have kids together I have no way of knowing how long you were together but 6 times CHEATING on you. Why do you let him back..sounds like the house is yours in which case REGARDLESS OF HOW LONG YOU WERE TOGETHER IF YOUR HOUSE WAS ALREADY YOUR HOME BEFORE HE SHOWED UP IN YOUR LIFE HE GETS NOT ONE DIME HE HAS NO CLAIMS TO YIUR PROPERTY. ALSO, IF YOU BOUGHT HOME TOGETHER HE CANT KICK YIU OUT HE CHEATED. GO TO YOUR LOCAL SUPERIOR COURT AND ASK ABOUT THE FREE LEGAL COUNSELING TO FILE DIVORCE AND HOW TO FIGURE OUT PROPERTY ISSUESS AS WELL AS A RESTRAINING ORDER. i would mention to the local pd that your gusband has a who’re who tries to run you off the road and you need their advice because you are afraid for your life, as well as the increasingly more aggressive threats from your husband and his mistress who are threatening your homelessness.,do not sign any papers nothing not one..you can also call DIVORCE attorneys who always give you one free advice question you may even get an appointment with one for advice just know the only law firms never giving even one free answer to anyone asking for a desperately needed direction during such a tragic gut wrenching time are the christian law firms still holds true we cannot figure it out the ones who advertise how godly they are thee only law firms NOT helping not even one free answer to one little question. So YEP go see a lawyer bring your legal paperwork marriage certificate rental agreements or mortgages btw if you are leasing a property and you are not listed as a renter or leasee then you have to move..sounds like you are a home owner and he just shacked up with you used you and now thinks he’s been there long enough to take your house. Get a lawyer don’t be dumb anymore or trust and believe you will end up homeless and penniless..go cover your ads girl! And don’t be foolish have a boyfriend who has his own stuff. And doesn’t need yours.

  • Sasha

    Just thought I’d check in ,and wondering how everyone is doing.
    As each day passes it gets easier. Believe me when I say ,your ex or soon to be ex will have far less impact on your life as the days,months and years pass. It’s a year for me,and even though my ex has now resorted to slagging me off, mainly because I don’t care to have him back at any cost, I ignore all the nasty things he says.
    I have sat back and realised that my ex must be in a far more brutal place in his life than I . He’s now gambling daily, doesn’t go home till nine at night,and asks far too many questions about me. As long as he continues to be a father I’m happy with the way my life is going.
    Never let them see you as weak,hold your head up high, and enjoy something about each day….and love yourself for the fabulous person you are.
    Any man who cheats,rubs your nose in his bullshit,and lies and manipulates,does not deserve a second chance.

    • Anika

      I agree with you Sasha. Looks like your ex is paying for his stupidity. I asked my ex if he can find out how much I would get for my engagement ring and my wedding band. His face… That moment was priceless!

      • Sasha

        Happy Mother’s Day …..that did make me laugh….I’m in the process of selling his brand new bike he never used,and the golf clubs….he’s had a year,I take that as he doesn’t want them back,even though I’ve given him enough time….I’ve had a fabulous day with the children,been spoilt rotten…now that’s what it’s all about.
        My ex just looks a pathetic mess. Over weight,now seen in the bookies daily,that’s if he’s not trying to follow me. Telling everyone he’s met the love of his life,but doesn’t go home to her till nine at night….crying to both my grown up son and our teenage daughter…..it’s pathetically sad. I on the other hand ,hold my head high,don’t entertain putting him down,cause he’s managed that all by himself….I wish that in time he finds some peace,and becomes a man the kids can respect. As it stands the poor man is going through the motions,his life ruined,missing the family…and he managed it all by himself. His life will never be the same ,ever!

  • Guiamila

    Hi, I’m kim, 26yrs. Old. I don’t know what to do in my case. We’re in a relationship for 7yrs. And married for about 4mnths last year since he left us. And 1mnth og giving birth of our son. I don’t know what did I do wrong, I give him all his needs but seems it’s not enough for him. All I want to do right now is to file a case with them since they are both government employees. Is my decision right or not? How can I move on? It hurts me a lot because I want that my son will grow as whole. Please do help me. Thank you

  • Anika

    Remember girls- we are survivors.Yes we are.. You may not feel like that at the moment but that time will come, I really believe that. I posted my message few days ago, I felt so lonely, so weak. I’m starting to think that that b***h has made me a favour. He is her problem now! I helped him overcome his addictions, helped him spread his wings and he left me and 2 young daughters for some trash.He is a TRAITOR! All of them are, ladies! Stand tall, be proud of yourself, empty your mind. Think about Karma.Sooner or later.. But you know what, I’m not going to wait for that, I’m better than him. If there is a God he’s on our sides. Stay strong, we are the winners after all that..x
    ps. Sorry for my grammar mistakes, english isn’t my native language.

  • Sasha

    Well ladies, seems my ex is ramping things up . Because his life isn’t going how he planned and he’s decided I’m the better option, he’s being oh so very caring…ughhh! He’s now best pals with my 27 year old son( not his son). He’s gone out of his way to get him a better job with one of his friends. Very thoughtful hey? Only when he lived here, he didn’t have any time for him. He keeps asking our daughter how I am, and pops up everywhere. I wonder when he actually gets any work done. Yes not going home yin 9 most nights according to what he’s told our daughter…seems his new life is turning into a nightmare….I so wanted to be friends when we split, be able to co parent together, and I really do try to few the better person, but I’m still not at the forgiveness stage…what he has put our daughter though over the last year still has me shaking my head. I’ve told him we will never get back together.many times but he just doesn’t get it. Ego bigger than a rhinos….. but I will continue on my new journey ,and bee life..I’m far nicer,far happier(most of the time) and even though it’s scary, relishing my future.

  • Anika

    My husband is leaving me for another woman. I found out few weeks ago. I always stand by him, I was nursing him through his illness, I was looking after our beautiful children and now he’s leaving. no matter how good you are, how beautiful you are, how much you care if the person you trusted decided “to spiced up” his life. And he swore he will spend rest of his life with me. Now I feel so lonely but I have something he will eventually loose – love of our young children. He betrayed them the most..

  • Sadeeqah

    Hi… my name is sadeeqah iv neen married for 20 years ,my husband left me fo a younger woman nd I really can’t cope ,my family is veey supportive nd try nd helo but notjing seems 2 help , I have 4 kids thts taking it very hard nd tht kills me evens more im 38 md geel like some1 just pulled a mat out of me… Im been up more than 24 hours I cant sleep I cant eat I have a few medical conditions md feel very sick , im just trying 2 pull tru , I dnt knw how im scared I tryed talking 2 God bit it feels like he left me 2 I just want 2 forget this ever happened …. pls help I dnt knw what 2 do

    • Rosa

      Hello Safeeqah,

      I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel and how it hurts! The same thing happened to me. Please keep praying. God is with you believe me. God will help you through. It seems at the moment you won‘t make it and that the pain overtakes you…. BUT you WILL make it! Please don‘t give up. God is with you and He is holding you. Please keep in mind you are valuable and a beautiful mother of four children. Your husband is the one who is losing it all. NOT you! Please keep strong. My prayers go out to you and your children! You will make it…….Believe me, you WILL make it. You are not alone. God is with you🙏🙏🙏

      • Wendy

        Thank you so much for the encouragement its so hard sometimes still but I believe I’m going to make it I keep fight everyday to thank you

    • Wendy

      Hi I’m sorry this happened to you I totally understand the pain I was with my husband for 13 yrs and we have 4 children together and I’ve come to realize that it hurts so much because of what your used to and you feel like the one person you thought you knew you really dont some where in our relationship it been a breakdown but i never thought it would result to either one of us leaving and when he left and still to this day I wish we could be back but I know it will only be the same thing so I just live in my truth the funny thing about my husband is that he just enjoy playing games I found out not only did he leave me to be with someone else while he’s with her and she thinks she’s won my husband, he’s also in a relationship with another women (he won’t divorce me)yea it hurts sometimes I just lay in my bed at night and cry cry as much as you need and when you done wipe your tears and find something to do to take your mind away really quick its hard and I think everyone has a different thing to make them feel better you just have to stay strong and it will get better because he lost and he will realize that

  • Wendy

    I have been knowing my husband since i was 15 I had a child at the time we were of course so in love we had our first child together when I was 17 we broke up a year after that because of him cheating he told me because i was more loyal to myfamily then to him however we got back together two years later and had 3 more children things have been rocky for about 7 years I struggled with finding my identity and he has always been a cheater I love him so much because of his good quality he’s a great father and he tried teaching me how to build for the future but i have never been receptive because i didn’t trust him long story short he told me he would never leave me so we got hitched and he didnt wanna tell anyone a year later he left me and told me he only did it for our children now he living with us but goes to see his girlfriend every chance he gets he’s told me he don’t want to be with me but then he tells me he does and still talks about our future I told him im not gonna allow him to treat me like this any longer and I contacted his girlfriend he then proceeded to give me separation papers and I ripped them up but now he totally friend zoned me but still lives with me and i despise him and he’s not even after by it I’m so confused but im not it crazy I know what it is I just don’t want it to be so i still find myself think what if changes but then I don’t want him back cause its not fair to me how he handled thing plus he wont tell me this is his girlfriend he keeps denying it and lying so i can’t seem to find closure

    • Kimberley

      Hi I have been catching up on the recent posts, my husband left me after 31 years last years after behaving very badly for months, said no-one else was involved but then flaunted his “old friend” in front of me within weeks and told me it was official within months. He has behaved very badly since, treat me terrible and been really nasty totally different man to who I thought I knew all those years.
      Any way its funny how Karma works, I try and have as little contact with him as possible but do hear from friends bits of what he is up to.
      Apparently his new girlfriend wont have him living there so he is still staying with my stepdaughter and her family (over 13 months now), he hardly has any work as he lost a lot of customers through his treatment of me. He had two mini strokes last year. He argues a lot with his girlfriend, her son is on the run from the police so that’s causes more problems.
      Well as for me I have quite enjoyed living on my own, I have got the nicest garden I have ever had and started decorating the two things I always hated and never did. I go on holidays with friends, (he has just about lost all his). So as much as I never wanted this part of my life to be like this (I am 57) my life is pretty good really his is a disaster, he looks terrible and is still being nasty with everyone. I look at him and don’t recognise him, sometimes think I had a lucky escape.
      So all of you that think you wont get over them going trust me you will and you can come out of it the other side learning allsorts about your strengths. I am so sorry that we were betrayed so but don’t let them take more of you than they already have, its there loss. Kim UK

      • Laurie Post author

        Thank you so much for sharing, Kimberley! Your words of wisdom and encouragement will help us move forward in hope. I’m so glad things are unfolding well for you, even though you never expected this season of your life.
        I’m glad you’re here! 🙂

      • Wendy

        Its so much harder for me to move on because he’s still living in the house and expect me to still be there for him and when i put my foot down and tell him i dont want to he wants to say all the ways hes been there for me and when we’ve been there for each other its so hard to be going through this situation a part of me wants to just leave and go stay with a friend but I have a responsibility to my children and its just so hard because i cant seem to close this chapter and don’t know if I will ever be able to do so

      • Maria

        Thank you for sharing your story Kimberley. It gives me hope that one day, Karma will eventually catch up with my 61 year old ex husband who left me for a 25 year old after being married to me for 34 years.
        You are an amazing woman!

        • kimberley

          Hi Maria trust me i am not amazing at all, its been a matter of making the best of a total mess. My worst issues have been how its afftected my 83 year old mother who was so close to my husband its nearly killed her. He didnt go near her for weeks before he left and hasnt spoke to her since i hate him for that more than anything he has done to me. I have realised one thing through all this no-one can build happiness on other peoples misery my husband has made a right mess of things,he looks ninety and is with a woman who everyone thinks is a joke. They all think the grass is greener and it just isnt. But it doesnt matter how unhappy he is as long as i can move on and i have, not easily but i cant imagine now ever loving him strange isnt it. My hatred and disgust for him has made it much easier. Love to you. xx

          • Maria

            Hi Kim, It took me nearly two years before I was able to tell my 82 year old mother coz she adored him. My mom took it pretty well – I guess she is trying to be strong for me. When I start missing my previous life, i think of all the horrible things he has done and somehow i snap out of it. These men are evil and don’t deserve any more of our precious time. One day, I hope to be where you are – able to say that I have moved on. hugs xx

          • kimberley

            Hi Maria you will get there i have been better since i have no contact and have stopped going to my local pub so i dont have to see them walking in together in front of me with no shame. Its not how i wanted my life to go i thought i would grow old with him and on top of that one of my best friends has terminal cancer and i have been caring for her so thats two people that arent going to be there. I am lucky that i have managed to keep the house and we have no children so there wasnt the trauma of that at least, i had a miscarriage years ago but because of health problems i never tried again. I think things would have been worse if i had had to move another stress i didnt need. I quite like my own company thank god and have some good friends but its not been easy. I actually went to see my GP a few months ago as i was having palpatations because of his nasty ways and she gave me some antidepressants called Sertraline and they really have lifted my mood and made me feel better. I am going to make a start on my spring garden tomorrow something else i find enjoyment in. He is going to India with the girlfriend in March just hope he stays there. Love to all Kim (UK)

          • Maria

            It must have been pretty tough seeing them together. I don’t know how I would react if i see them. It is a possibility because they live close to where I work. I hope I don’t ever see them. I hope your ex moves away from where you are – preferably to the moon:) take care!
            hugs from down under xx

  • Sasha

    Hey warrior ladies….been afew weeks,and my cheeky ex has floored me with his behaviour. Some will know that he wants to come back,has cried to my adult son…blah,blah,blah. He knows the answer is a big fat NO! Well Monday,my daughter wasn’t well, and due to work commitments I asked her to ring her father to take her to the doctors. No problem there…only as I was ready to leave for work, bold as brass,he walks into the house,and tries to greet me with a kiss. ( he’s always very touchy, feels, trying to hug or hold my hand). I asked him what he was doing, but laughed it off,as our daughter was in the same room. Inside I was furious. He plonked himself on the sofa ,so I got my coat,told our daughter to get her school bag and ushered him out the house. All the time he’s asking me how work is, how my car is going …..for a man who made the decision to try another life, he sure looked unhappy. He’s piled the weight on, looked like he hasn’t even put a comb through his hair …generally looked like sh@!. The whole incident has left me feeling insecure,angry and dismayed at his behaviour. Why would he think it ok to just stroll in MY home as if nothing had happened. I must admit I felt a tad sorry for him too. So even though I know I’m making progress,and my life is far better without him in it, why have I felt so angry literally all week. Not forgetting him turning up in the village I work in, middle of the day, when he should be working? It’s like he’s back to stalking me…but still living with the trollop. Told our child he’s there because it’s somewhere to live! Bravo,,another thing that manes our daughter question her fathers integrity!

  • Rach

    I found out on December 13 that my husband of 13 months was having an affair with a woman 15+ years older than him and 22+ years older than me. He abandoned me on a holiday and returned home where I thought he was coming to think and to get his head sorted. He actually returned to our house, packed his stuff and moved in with the old home wrecker. I was, I am devastated. I’m seeing a counselor but it’s slow progress and I see it taking many months before I see light at the end of the tunnel again.
    We had been trying for a baby and were yet to get pregnant, for that I am thankful. That while I’m gutted not to be a mum, I know that I won’t have to have further contact with him once our separation documents have been signed.
    It’s a terrible thing to go through and I truly believe you can only understand the real pain if it’s happened to you. My counselor says that regardless of what happened in the relationship (could have stabbed him etc) there is no excuse for infidelity. It’s just not ok. The blame on ourselves has to stop.

  • Debra

    Well, I’m joining the ranks of you beautiful women. My Navy husband cheated on me while his ship was ported in Hawaii- 3 weeks ago. I just found out less than a week ago- I found out, he didn’t have the guts to tell me. I left all my family, my grown girls, my well paying job and our home all back in Virginia to move to Guam to be with him. We got here October 21 and he deployed November 8. I felt so isolated and alone here. But I set to the task of setting up our new life and home here.

    He messaged and called constantly while deployed. Never once did he give an indication he had been unhappy. Like literally, he went to a mutual friend’s house, she was there and he gave it no thought as far as consequences. Since that day he has maintained full contact with her via messaging, texts and they play PS4 all day and night where I can hear him talking to her in the headset. He has decided he wants to pursue a relationship with her- leaving me homeless, jobless, but most of all hopeless right now. Oh, the kicker? She is married to a Navy guy herself who is deployed! So a cheater cheated with a cheater. I really feel like she has sunk her claws into him to bale her out of her own situation. But he doesn’t want to work on anything, he shows no remorse for the pain he’s causing. So yeah, this is my life now. We are stuck under the same roof until the Navy sends me and my household goods back to the states.

    I feel lucky honestly I have an amazing support system of friends and family. It really helps to know I’m not the CAUSE of the affair but simply the by product. I feel hurt, shocked, betrayed, ashamed and mostly just sad right now. All the uncertainty in my future is still overwhelming . I go through waves of wanting him to suffer and be miserable to throwing myself at his feet begging him to think about what he’s doing.

    Each day I experience waves of just sheer pain and sorrow that wash over me. And then sometimes I’ll hear an empowering song on the radio that will make me feel better. I guess when people ask if I’m ok the answer is no, but I know I will be.

    • Julie

      I’m so sorry this has happened to you. The pain is excruciating I know. But remember this is not your fault. For what it’s worth your husband is caught up in a fantasy but the main thing is you look after yourself and put yourself first. Not easy when you’ve put him first for so long. There is a website called Chumplady.com which has helped me stick with my resolve. She has also written a book which I’m currently reading. Note both the website and the book is from the position that you have had enough and want to end the marriage because of infidelity. Remember this is no reflection on you and all about him and his lack of values and morals. You are enough xx

    • sasha

      Debra, hugs to you. But you can get through it. I remember those early days, and the pain is hard to take. It doesn’t matter what we think or say it won’t change anything.
      Nobody can tell you how to feel or behave, but going no contact worked wonders for me. Yes it was hard, yes I had so many things I needed to say, but whilst they are in the throws of their fantasy ,nothing we say will make a difference. I’m pretty much still going NC after nearly a year. In that time, I’ve worked on finding myself again. Yes there are days when I miss him, want to talk to him,ask him things,but the way I see it is ,he had his chance. I only discuss our child,when needed,and know it’s the right thing to do. My ex, is desperate to come home ,realised he had what he wanted all along…well tough! I like my life, I have great friends old and new,I make sure I go out regularly,and I’m laughing more day by day, week by week. Do I still love him? Yes, but only because he’s the father of our child. Do I respect him? That would be a big fat no! He lost that with all the crappy things he’s done over the year. Do I want him to be happy? Yes. What’s ironic is when he’s with our teenage child he moans constantly about the OW,says she gets on his nerves and he is only there for somewhere to live. He asks how I am, what I’m up to, turns up unannounced with silly reasons,and I guess it’s his time now to work through it. Debra, you will get through this,but remember this is not your fault,no matter what he says…cheaters have a knack at passing the blame to make themselves feel justified. It really is empowering to know that after 22 years, I can live without him. I’d rather be alone than with a man I could never trust again…..hugs xxx

    • For the better

      They violated article 134 of the uniform code of military Justice. I know this because my ex husband did the same thing. He had an affair with a married coworker whose divorced was finalized this month as ours will be as well. The 25th. It is unfortunate that people who took and oath to protect their country can’t even uphold to their own marital vows. But you will get through this. File for spousal support to get back on your feet. If he refuses, go to his command. The navy looks down on infidelity. Not to inform them
      Of his transgressions but to help you get back up. It’s the least he can do. Sounds like a child to me. Sometimes these other women do us a solid though. Because they are with people who are willing to do the unthinkable with them. God has a way with telling us we don’t need certain people in our lives. Don’t wish I’ll but wish nothing but happiness for them because two people who are willing to destroy another person’s life and put them through this trauma…. well…. they deserve each other. Hang in there!

  • Pam French

    My husband is finally leaving me after almost 35 yrs. it was mostly good, but the last 3 yrs he hasn’t been happy. We moved to Oahu in 2012. He basically disappeared from our marriage emotionally, in 2014. The part no one can relate to with me, is he’s not even in love with another woman! No affair going on! I almost wish there was another woman. I’m lost and confused any help/advice??

  • Sasha

    Morning ladies.
    I’m almost a year without my cheating ex. It’s been a very tough year,however I’ve learned so many things about myself. I CAN cope without him, I like who I am,and so do my friends old and new, nothing about him cheating was my fault,no matter how many times he said it was, and the biggest thing…life is for living.
    In the early days I stumbled through each day,wondering why. Then I decided that was doing me no good, so I got myself a job after being a stay at home mum for several years. I went NC almost immediately unless it was regarding our child,and even though my ex has done some pretty stupid things I’ve remained dignified,not lost my cool ( even though at times I could have socked him one) and let his little love story play out. I don’t ruminate about them, from where I’m sitting they don’t have much going on. So as time has gone on his life is unravelling day by day. He’s seen most days in the wine bar after work,drinking alone, looks terrible, has put on more weight, tells me he wants to come home, met with one of my family members crying,saying he’d made such a mess of things,and how he loves us dearly and would do anything to have his old life back.
    Now I don’t want him to be unhappy,but I certainly dont want him back. In the early days that was all I thought of, wondering how he could throw over twenty years away,and when we split, I was very dignified and agreed it was the right thing to do. What I hadn’t banked on was how I would feel once he had gone, then finding out he had been cheating ,well it tore my heart in two. But, I have realised, that although I will always love him as the father to our child, Our splitting was the right thing to do.
    I take no comfort in knowing he is suffering,but these men who think it’s ok to cheat and don’t have the balls to leave before entering a new relationship have only themselves to blame.
    Take each day as it comes,give yourself a time limit each day to cry,and think of them, then consciously stop….fill your days with fun, laughter,and use your anger productively…when I felt anger, I’d clean….or walk the dog. What I’m trying to say is life is for living, don’t waste a second of it. Hugs to you all xx

    • Rosa

      Hello Sasha,

      I admire your courage and your strength! I am still struggling after two years of seperation and now being forced to divorce. After 20 years my husband deceided to cheat on his beautiful family for someone half his age. I am still trying to understand how can a person be so heartless and so cruel. I have learnt that his cheating is not me. It is the broken person inside him. Of course we all do mistakes but to destroy a family because of ones hurted ego??? It just shows the weakness they have inside. I am still hurting and still living in shock. Where on earth is the loving and caring husband gone? How can a person change so much? My „husband“ is putting all the blame on me and worse of all he is trying to justify his actions with his son!!!! I guess I will never find an answere.

      • sasha

        Hey Rosa. You hit the nail on the head…their ego! They are getting older, their day to day life is sooo ordinary,they feel something is missing. Well, stop the press, once all the excitement wears,they are stuck in a relationship that has the same ordinary things …like shopping, paying bills, only with less money. My daughter has seen the man she thought was the best thing ever, dissapoint her. I’ve cradled her when she’s come home, after she caught him lying, after he grills her about mom,it’s so sad to witness. I make excuses for him, because I want them to have a great relationship,however he just ain’t that smart,and continues to dissapoint her all the time. She absolutely loathes the woman he is with ,and silently I hate her too,because she most certainly isn’t anyone I would want my daughter to know….but I keep quiet,never tell her my feelings,listen and hug. Rosa, these men are selfish, and their oh so perfect lives are nothing but a smoke screen. I can see how miserable he is,and I ignore the silly games he plays to get a reaction. He tries to make you feel bad, because that’s his only way of justifying what he has done. Inside I can guarantee he is in great turmoil. Him trying to justify his actions to your son is a low blow and I’m sure your son will see through his BS. Just concentrate on your son and yourself. Make plans with friends,even if it’s to catch up,re decorate, change things,keep busy. We have no control over their actions, but we sure as hell have over our own. Rosa your two years down the line, and still here. You have the gift of having your son with you,so don’t waste any more time worrying about your ex. You are loved, you are strong and you are getting stronger day by day. Hugs Hun,and here if you need anything xx

        • Rosa

          Dear Sasha,
          thank you for such comforting words. There was a time I thought I was the one loosing but as the days go by I realize they are the ones who lost…. EVERYTHING! They have lost the respect of our children! How low and shallow is this. How broken can a man be inside to cheat on the persons he should love and protect with his life! The person they betray the most are themselves. A cheater is not because of who you are but because who THEY are! Dear Sasha they do not know what true love is. As long as they do not take responsability for what they have done, they will never find their peace. At the moment they are out of Gods will. They are lost! Really Lost!!! I am so sorry that you are going through this. Give a huge strong hug to your daughter! She has got every reason to be proud of such a strong mother! Think this way Sasha…. our „husbands“ can have the most ten top „beautiful“ woman of this world but putting them together they will NEVER have the value of a faithful and beautiful wife. NEVER!!! And they know it! Big hugs to you!!!! God bless you and your lovely daughter! Pls keep in contact. Would love to hear from you and of course I will always be here for you. Greetings from Germany!

          • sasha

            Rosa, how spooky. My mother is German and I spent many happy with my Oma and Opa. Thankyou for your kind words. You are so right. Let’s keep in touch ,because i would love to see you come out the other side ,like the Phoenix rising from the flames. I’m almost there. I don’t feel sick when I see him any more, in fact I don’t really feel anything. I just want my daughter to know she is so very much loved,she is my priority and always will be. My family are truly fabulous. Theirvsupport has been brilliant. Sending positive vibes to you and your son,and hugs xxx catch up soon…

          • Rosa

            Wow Sasha the word is really small 😊😊Your mother is from Germany! I am living here since 26 years. My parents are italian. I am so glad that you are lifting up and soaring high! I hope to meet you soon so that we can both fly so high. I am living in anxiety…. waitng for that terrible letter which shows me the court date. I am so scared of it. I don‘t want to see him. I fear him, I hate him and I feel so dum… dum because I feel so ashamed of seeing him. He will compare me with his other woman that is 25 years younger than I!!!!!!! I feel sooooo old😞 I know it‘s silly because a girl at such young age throws herself on a much older and married man… has absolutely no compare to me!!! Dear Sasha, that‘s exactly the point. The other woman will NEVER reach our value. They are cheaters and liars… just like our cheating spouses!Please stay strong. God bless you!!!

      • Maria

        I’m so sorry you are going through this. Know that you are not alone and there are others who have suffered like you did and survived. My 61 year old husband of 34 years just married his 25 year old “toy” and their first child is due any day now. We will never understand nor will we get an apology for the betrayal, the lies, the massive hurt they caused. Like you, I’m still trying to move on – whatever that means. But I will not spend one more minute of my precious time thinking of a bad, immoral, evil person anymore. Life is too precious to spend one more minute on him. It is easier said than done, but i found that No Contact really helps.
        Sending you a big hug and I hope you find it in your heart to be strong and move on. This too shall pass and from this experience will rise an amazing, beautiful, stronger, wonderful woman and that is YOU!

        • Rosa

          Hello Maria,

          please be strong! I keep adking my self, what on earth is going on here??? Times are changing so much and it‘s showing so much evilness. It is like you said, just pure evilness! What I have learnt in this terrible storm is that it is not us….it is the brokeness they have inside. I now feel sad for my STBX😞You know, the ones who have really lost are those who have lost their self worth. These are persons who have such a low self esteem that they need to cheat. They need to prove themselves that they still „ have it“.They need acknowledgement and appreciation because they don‘t know how to appreciate themselves! It is the emptiness inside that tortures them and they think to resolve their internal problem by getting it externally. This of course will NEVER work….. Can a broken person who destroys a family and leaves his precious wife, the woman he chose to love and share his life with, ever find a better person? Of course not! Our „husbands“ can only be with a person that reaches their level… they are just as empty and broken inside. It hurts to see how this person you trusted so much change into a stranger….. It is the sin that has taken them away…. it‘s not them anymore. They have lost God… My prayers go out to you! Let us beautiful woman stay strong… because we have still our worth, moral and self esteem. Unfortunately they have lost ALL of it……They have lost themselves AND their most precious blessings God gave them…. their wife and family… Huge hugs to you!

          • Maria

            Hi Rosa,
            I hope one day we can tell each other that we have truly forgotten them and we can laugh about it.
            One day, the tightness in our chest will go away and be replaced with peace.
            One day we will totally fine. hugs back to you xx
            Maria

  • Julie

    My husband of 22 years left also this past October. I feel so lost and broken and am finding it so incredibly hard to move on. I married him at 18 years old and have lived for him and my girls (who are now 12 and 24) for this whole time. I’m so heartbroken and sad, he already has a gf which he swears he just met but I do t believe him. He has cheated before and I thought I could get over it and trust him again but I guess I never fully did.
    I’m so lost I’m so many aspects: first of all, I still love him and had never been able to fully see my life without him.
    Second, I’m from another country, my whole family is there. He was why I lived here. For 22 years. I feel so alone. His family was truly my family since I got married so young and they have all written me off , he is a very spoiled man and in their eyes he can do no wrong so none of them have offered me any kind of support or even bothered to ask me if I’m ok. I feel so alone, I have friends but family is so important to me and now I have none around.
    Third, my girls are hurting. I can see it and it bothers me that he doesn’t at all seem to care. When he was about to move out, I found a notebook he had written in for months about what he would get out of moving out and it said: more freedom, more time to do what I want (mentioning hobbies like playing guitar , etc) and more money). It was so hurtful to see how he was basically thinking about it for that long .
    And lastly, he will not admit to anything , will not answer any questions I ask him about why and stuff. He says it’s all my fault, becaus I didn’t make him happy and didn’t treat him well enough .
    Im hurt, I feel like damaged goods, I’m angry at the betrayal and finally, I’m heart broken. He was such a huge part of my life, I don’t even know who I am without him. I know, it’s pretty pathetic but it’s true. I’ve never even been on a real date.
    I do t know how to move on, i feel overwhelming grief.
    Thank you for providing a place for me to let this out of my chest and sorry it’s such a long post.

    • Andrea

      Hi Julie, I’m so sorry for your pain!! It is a grieving process you need to go through to get through the fog! You need to concentrate on you and learn to love you again! I know it’s really hard but wasting your energy on him will just delay your healing!! ( I did this and do wish I’d not spent so much time worrying about him)! Join a group make some friends and find you again! When you’ve been in a relationship for so long we do lose a little bit of ourselves use this time to reinvent yourself and build a new life!! I promise I’m time you will get there!! Stay strong xxx

    • Sarah

      Hi Julie, I know how awful you are feeling at the moment as I am going through the same but without the children. Was with my husband for 20 years and married only 3.5 years ago. We both adored each other and he’d frequently tell me I was the love of his life and hoped he’d die first as he wouldn’t cope without me. Then suddenly in Oct 2017 he left. Said he wants to live on his own and that there’s no-one else. I think I believe him as he’s living with his parents but I don’t know if he’s depressed, having a mid-life crisis or it’s permanent! The pain we feel is almost unbearable and I think about him constantly from the minute I wake up to when I go bed and cannot believe our future is gone without even a fight. I don’t hate him at all as he’s a good person as he says he was lonely and wanted to do things with me but I prioritised other things before him. He says he just wants me to be happy and doesn’t want me to lose our home and is giving me everything and has even taken on a debt in his name so I can afford to stay here. He’s even giving me money each month to cover shortfall until I remortgage in my name only. I’m sure it’ll get easier in time for us both and I just live in hope that he’ll remember what we had together and thst the grass isn’t greener elsewhere. Maybe when he’s living on his own eventually, in a damp flat with hardly any furniture and none of his home comforts, thst he’ll think about what we had. I’ve changed myself, I wasn’t a bad person but just needed tweaking and now go to the gym and lost 2 stone ( which knocked him for six when he briefly saw me for half a second the other day and he couldn’t stop texting me thst week)! However he’s got his emotions back in check again now and we’re now back to radio silence. I wish I could give you words to make you feel better but I think time is the only thing we have and it’s time that will show us what our future will be. I think I will get to the point where I will say “ I don’t need you to be happy but I want you, so that we can make new memories together”. Who knows Julie, men are funny creatures.

  • DANIELLE

    Hello,

    I’m at a complete loss so I thought I would just write down how I get here. I was looking up support grounds for women that are left during pregnancy for another women and I found this site. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for 2 years. We finally went and saw a fertility specialist and went through a procedure to get pregnant and it worked. I found out at 5 1/2 weeks pregnant that he was having an affair. He started the affair before we went through with the procedure. He left our house and had not returned. He is now living with his girlfriend and I’m 14 weeks pregnant, living in our house that I can’t afford and taking care of our two dogs. I’m trying so hard to put one foot in front of the other, but he takes her on all of these vacations, and just completely wrote me off. I don’t even know how to heal while I’m carrying his child and he is acting like I don’t matter af all. I guess I just wanted to tell people that I’m hurt, sad, devastated, angry, and so afraid that I will never come back from this.

    • Rosa

      Danielle I will pray for you! Please be strong for the beautiful life growing inside of you. Your husband is now blind and is not aware of what he is doing. Please it is not you but it is the weakness and emptiness in him. Please take courage and let God lead and protect you! God will guide you. Please let me know if I can help you. If you need someone to contact at any time let me know and I will send you my email.

      Gid bless you!

    • Julie

      Danielle
      I am so sorry you are going through this. I know the pain and stress of going through IVF treatment (unfortunately it didn’t work for me) and also the pain of my husband having an affair. The only thing I can say is to concentrate on that new life growing inside you. It is a blessing and will get you through your hardest days and give you a reason to get up in the morning. As to why our husbands do this to us, I have no idea. I struggle with that thought every day. Hang in there. You went through a lot to get pregnant and God has blessed you with this gift. Thinking of you xx

  • Lauren McCullough

    My husband separated from me suddenly without warning 4 months ago and started having a affair right away now he has moved her in and says he thinks he loves her… I am still in love with my husband and want to work on are marrige

    • Robin Grayson

      My husband of a year started staying out not coming home. He would be gone for a few days then back. Then he just came around during the day. I was told he is cheating he denies it. I then called local motels found a room in her name and he picked up the phone. He has not been home since. He tells me there is nobody else but I was told they have a place together. I told him if he wanted we could separate he has no. Today was the first day we had made no contact with me at all. I feel as my life has ended and I can not go on. Whybwill he not admit this? Why does he just leave me here wonderin? How do I get over all this pain and heartache?

  • Nadia

    I discovered in early December that my fiancé and partner of nearly 15 years has been having a relationship with a much younger woman (13 years) and plans to leave me for her. He has been telling her all the things he told me, in exactly the same terms, how perfect they are, how she completes him, how happy he will make her. He is narcissistic – I have realised over the years. He is all about power and appearance and how he is regarded. He wears the best suits, the best cufflinks, the best ties. He absolutely hates anyone to think badly of him. I became suspicious in September after hearing him on the phone. He got really angry and, with hindsight, he has been really angry with me for more than six months for no real reason. He has cheated before and he was angry then too. He is blaming me, saying it is all my fault because I never got over his previous affairs which were many years ago (those I know of). He says we should have split then, that it is all my fault, that he doesn’t love me anymore, that it is nothing to do with this woman but he just wants to be on his own and that he hasn’t been happy for eight years. This is such a shock. We just bought a new home and were so excited we danced around it. Their affair has been going on since we first moved in, it seems, and he has been planning to move her in and kick me out, all the while having be style and decorate it. I am utterly heartbroken. I can deal with the physical aspects but the emotional side is crippling me. He has told her he loves her, asked her to marry him, they are talking about having a child. He never wanted children with me. He has two grown up children and did not want anymore. He is now saying we never married as he had no intention of ever marrying me and “why did I think we had never gone through with it”. He says he wouldn’t have gone through with it. I feel I cannot function. He has been really nasty about our house saying he has paid more and he would rather see me in court and waste all the equity on legal fees than pay me my share. I have a lovely home, what I thought was a lovely fiancé who I adored and I thought we were happy – a bit boring maybe and stuck in a bit of a rut as we entered middle age but happy enough. I get on with his family, I have done so much for him and all the while he has been planning to kick me out and move in this young woman who is, herself, married and has not yet told her husband. Her husband doesn’t know. She just asked him to agree to a period of no contact so she can be sure of what she wants but he has bombarded her with loving messages telling her he will make her so happy, she is the one, they are perfect and that over the last 7 months they have, in fact, spent lots of time together, that they fell in love before anything physical happened and that it is real and perfect and he would wait for her till the end of time. I am at a loss as to what to do. I think he is having a mid-life crisis. I should have been different over his previous affairs. I should have either left or, in the end, got over them. I have, instead (and not realising) held them against him because he would not discuss them or really apologise or give me closure. And this has driven him away. I don’t know whether to email her to tell her he is a serial cheat and beg her to leave us alone, to warn her. If she tells him he will go mad and his rage is frightening me. If I don’t I suspect there is little chance she will choose her husband, given how infatuated she is with mine and given how much charm he is laying on. He is impossible to resist. I know I shouldn’t but I really want to give us a chance now we have actually gotten to the root of the issue and I can make some inroads into moving forwards. But he is acting like he hates my guts. He says he cannot bear when my name comes up on his phone as he knows I am going to go on at him. He has paid so little attention over the years, always putting his ambitions, work and himself first. It is devastating to feel that I do not know him at all and that he can have so little feeling for me after so long or, worse, to feel he actually hates me. He is so callous and cold I barely recognise him. I feel so isolated and lonely. I have spent so long waiting around for him to have a moment to spend with me that I see few other people. I have lost the opportunity to have children as he did not want them and he says he has been unhappy for years. Surely he should have told me if that was true, to give me chance to be happy with someone else. I am lost and alone and feel I will never cope without him, ever find happiness or meet someone else at this stage in my life. I am so desperate I just don’t know what to do.

    • Sasha

      Hey Nadia. These cheaters are in a realm of selfishness. You have done nothing wrong. Cheating is all about their own inadequatencies. Not yours! Please,as hard as it may seem, just concentrate on you. Let him go,and stop wondering about the why’s! I know it’s hard cause that’s exactly what I did. I made a conscious decision to cut him off immediately. No discussions, no begging, nothing! They talk about No contact on a lot of these sites. Done say 30 days others say 60….Well, I’ve been doing it for ten months,and it has been my saviour. I only communicate if it’s to do with our child. I learned to re love myself, get a job, pay the mortgage, bills, etc…..it’s very therapeutic.
      Nadia, your not alone….you really are strong….you put up with his BS over and over again. You deserve so much better. The egotistical narcissist gates being cut off. Because it’s always about them. Let me tell you, that dignity and self worth are valuable resources during these shitty times. Keep telling yourself you deserve better and get gawd his chance.
      My ex asked to speak to me just before Xmas,and told me he still loved me, missed me, our life, felt sad when he saw me, told me I was the best thing he ever had. I let him talk,and said nothing. Well nothing worth saying ….I told him to go home back to his OW. I felt liberated,and knew that although there was still some feelings there, there wasn’t enough for me to take him back…..hell im worth so much more. I may be 50, but my life deserves happiness…I will not be treated with such contempt…because he felt pissed that I never made him feel number one ( whatever!) karma has a funny way of turning up…..Nadia you deserve happiness, it may not arrive today, this month, this year….but that’s your time to work on you….hugs Hun

      • Nadia

        Oh Sasha, i am trying but I feel so bereft. I was content not to have a family because I loved him so much. But now he is not going to be in my life I am not sure how I feel about that and it is too late for me. And to know he is talking about children with her is just killing me. He is stringing me along, saying he is thinking about not leaving that he knows there is a lot to lose – he is only interested in the house and that I can take half of it. But all the while he is constantly messaging her, telling how wonderful she is, how much he loves and how nothing will change. I am driving myself mad with it. Is she so naive to think he is telling her only the truth? That we do not have sex? That we have not got along for years? yes we were boring but that was because he won’t ever take time out from his work. But he is lying to her repeatedly in their messages. About all sorts of inconsequential things. It is hardly the basis of a love story and a perfect relationship. I am so overwrought I can barely function. I haven’t eaten properly since I found out – at least I have lost some weight. I cannot concentrate. My work is suffering. I feel I am letting my colleague’s down although they are being so kind. But I have so few friends because I have spent the last fifteen years waiting around at his beck and call in case he had some spare time in the evening. I have tried to plan things with him in the evenings and weekends but his work always comes first. He now says he didn’t want to plan anything because he doesn’t enjoy spending time with me. I feel he jus recalling a different relationship! This is not the relationship I was in 🙁 I am so unhappy I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I have loved him with all my heart since the day we met and to have him say I have not loved him, he hasn’t felt loved and that is why he has looked elsewhere is just more than I can bear. And to lose him to her and watch them marry and have a family so late in his life. He has abandoned so many women in his past. I really thought he had grown up at last. So did his family 🙁

        • sasha

          Nadia, I’m crying reading your response. I so feel for you. Can you block him from ringing or texting, change your phone. Why would he be texting you all those things? Cut him off ,now,because you won’t feel any worse than you do already. While he’s still contacting you everything is so raw for you. For me going no contact ( which I’ve maintained for nearly a year. Blocked his number from house phone,and mobile, however he can still text) was my salvation. I don’t want to know what he’s doing, and although in the early days it was hard,I did it for self preservation. Everything he says is to justify his decision to leave. Let him go Hun,and as hard as it is start rebuilding your life. Exercise is a great way to release that happy feeling. I know some will say fight for him, that’s down to you, but I think you need to concentrate on just you. You have done nothing wrong. He was lucky to have you. If he can’t see that now, he will in time. As for them talking about children, let them talk….he’s lying to you and lying to her…not a great start for them is it. My ex lied so much it made me think why I’d want a man like that in my life. They really are pathetic. I know you can do it…I’m rooting for you.. hugs xxxx

          • Nadia

            We are still in the same house. He is stalling because she hasn’t left her husband yet. They are in a stalemate. He isn’t texting he’s telling me these things and flaunting his affair under my nose it is just awful. And I have nobody. There seem to be no support groups near me. I am so alone.

      • Susan

        I’m also going through this,after 34 years ,mug husband is confused and says he has feelings for another women. Our marriage has endured difficult time,he’s a alcoholic in recovery,and gets close to other women in the groups,it’s not th3 first time he has done this,apparently an emotional affair ie except able for him,but not me.Hes destroyed our realatoinship countless times emotionally and financially,I always took him back and started over ,yet it’s like he doesn’t realize how many times I’ve bailed him out suffered in silence ,he’s says I’m the strong one ,well he made me strong for sure.The pain and hurt l8ke your carrying an anchor in your stomach is overwhelming,my 84 year old mom cry’s for him and can’t believe it,loves him more than her own son .Im more angry at myself for staying this long I’m 55 now and know I must let go as I will never be able to forgive him,I don’t feel anger like the other times ,just so very deeply hurt and simply depleated.

  • Donna Farmet

    After 20 years of marriage I was also cheated on. My husband was on dating sites while we were married and living our normal life together, sex and all. We had issues with our fiances at one time and he always complained about sex, either he wasnt getting enough or it wasnt satisfying enough. He says that it was always a chore for me. Keep in mind that we were having sex at least 3 times a week. He has always accused me of cheating, lying, etc.. We (I) was also raising 3 boys, worked a fulltime job, etc. Anyways we are now splitsville and he says it was all my fault. He says he chased me for 20 yrd and says something happened to him when he turned 50.. Any ideas on what is really going on here?

    • Rosa

      Hi Donna, I am so sorry to hear this. I tip on the famous mid life crisis. Same thing happened to me after 20 years of marriage. All I can say is that when a husband cheats on his wife he knows he is doing so wrong and in order to calm his guilt and bad conscioussness they blame their innocent spouse. I am going through the same as you. My husband blamed everything on me for his cheating. Please believe me. It is absolutely NOT your fault! I think that when a spouse commits adultery it is because they feel empty and have a great low self esteem and it shows how insecure and weak they are. I once heard that somehow they feel depressive and just cannt accept that they are growing old. When they don‘t have peace in their hearts this is what happens. Please don‘t ever put any blame on your self! It is them that have lost God in their heart. Pray and leave it in Gods hands. Never give up in praying!

      God bless you!!!!

  • Monika

    Hi Ladies,
    I’ve recently experienced my husband leaving me. We have a 5 year old daughter and 4 year old son. We were high school sweethearts and we’ve together for almost 18 years and married for 8 years. For the last few months he’s been so emotionally abusive towards me. I kept asking and asking what was wrong. Then he and the kids would start going on outings with his coworker and her kids. I didn’t think anything of it since she’s been to our house plenty of times. Then one day, I noticed the joy in his face when he said her name. I kept it in and finally one day I exploded and asked if he’s having an affair. He denied it. Well, on December 4th her husband went into her phone because also had his suspicions. He saw all the emails and texts. My husband finally told me that day. His plan was to tell me after Christmas so we could get through the holidays. He spent 2 weeks here and then I finally kicked him out. He was constantly on his phone. Not even paying attention to our children. I am so broken. I started seeing a therapist. I am ok one day and the next day I’m not. My focus is on the kids and my job (barely functioning). Ladies…this is so fresh- what kinds of things helped you cope. I am constantly thinking this woman is at his new apartment. Can’t grt it out of my mind.

    • Jord

      My husband left me a week before our anniversary. We had been together 8 years also… I’m 25 with our 5 year old.
      He is in the army and iv lived as a single girl and waited for him. In October he said he was leaving the army for me And his son and this where looking up.
      Beginning of Nov he met a 22 year old who is the female version of him apparently and began his 2nd life and affair.
      When he told me he was leaving me I begged him 2 admit it was for someone else. He swore on our son life there was no one else and lied and lied and lied. Eventually I had to hack into his snap chat… there she was there was the pictures.
      He had lied every time he said the army where making him work he was with her. He had even gone backward and forward on this Christmas leave to see her…. lying to everyone. He then told me boxing day he needed to be on his own so couldn’t see our son and was going back to camp… I believed him. Instead he went to a cabin in the woods in Cornwall…
      He hasn’t asked once how his son is. Hasn’t turned up when he should have to have him. He hiding with her. So I finally lost it with him and he now demanding when he sees our son. I have said he is 2 upset atm he need to make our son his priority and he can have him to his heart content. But atm he lied to much and put her over my son 2 much.
      8 years down the drain for a 22 year old has known 2 months.
      I am absolutely broken. And an absolute mess

  • Broken

    My alcoholic husband walked out on my children and I last night, yes on christmas day!! We have been together for 16 years, married only 4 years. We have two little girls that are 7 and 9.

    He originally walked out on December 8th to be with a 22 year old girl at his work, he was gone for almost two weeks. He came back on my birthday, December 21st, I think only because the guilt was hitting him hard and it was almost christmas. It was a really long hard few days while he was at home, he talked to the other girl constantly and of course that upset me. He couldn’t be here telling me that we are working on our marriage and still talk to her. He even left to take her to lunch on Christmas Eve. I tried to stay strong and encourage his interest in our marriage but obviously it wasn’t enough. I know a lot of the stories on here weren’t dealing with alcoholics so maybe my story is going to be different. As soon as we got back from having Christmas with his family last night be told me that he was sorry and that he couldn’t do it anymore. He was of course drunk, so he had to call the other woman to come pick him up. He didn’t take any of his stuff with him last night, which means he will be back for his stuff and his car. I am having a major problem standing up for myself, I want him to be here with us and don’t want to push him away, but he can not keep walking all over the girls and I. I have been a stay at home mom for the last 10 years, and recently started working part time at a preschool. Definitely do not make enough money to support myself and the girls. He hasn’t threatened taking money away from us or to stop paying the bills but i am still extremely scared for the future. How could he make a decision to walk away from everything we have built together the last 16 years? and for what? I know he doesn’t have responsibilities at her house, she probably doesn’t nag him about anything and he is obviously living in a fantasy world. I am so very broken and really just want this all to be over. Unfortunately i know it is going to take time, a very long time and that’s the last thing I have patience for right now.

  • Sad Jane

    I caught my Husband lying by chance on our first wedding anniversary and he tried to cover up with more lies. I tried hard to brainwash myself that everything he said was true that he did not have any affair, and continue living like with him for the next few weeks. I have also asked to check his phone, he did not allow saying that I would invade his privacy. He had been acting suspiciously. Few weeks of torment, I was unable to be myself. One day, I snoop his phone and caught him lying again. And that was the last chance I told myself. I suggested D and he agreed steadily, no sense of guilt or remorse. I was truly hurt, nine years of relationship ended and yet he could suggest me to go online dating. How did he become so heartless suddenly, am trying so hard everyday to move on but it’s so difficult. He was the one that I loved so deeply.

  • Trisha

    I’m reading all of your posts and it’s so heartbreaking.2 years ago my husband said he wanted to start seeing other people.We still live together.He’s been with several girls.One in particular is just like me in many ways and we look alike.Really strange.I still love my husband .He is bipolar and seems like he is never happy.I’ve tried to keep everything together.This last week I thought about ending my life and on top of that I have started to process what has really happened with everything.Divorce is too expensive and I can’t afford an attorney so I’m screwed.He has way more money than me.We have been married over 12 years.The pain hurts really really bad.Thank God we don’t have children.Just dogs.My life really feels like it’s over and I am only 39.I’m wondering if I can pull through Christmas coming up.

    • Emma

      Hello Trisha,
      I also read this post today and I just saw your comment. I can only imagine the pain you are going through. I know what it feels like to be so depressed that you want to kill yourself and I want to tell you please don’t do it. I know it’s what people always say and I am a stranger too you. But I know that there is always a glimpse of hope and I you can find a way out of this situation, even if you can’t see it right now. Are there any friends and family that you can stay with or get help from ? Perhaps you can find a way to make more money ? I’m sorry I live in the UK and things are different plus I’ve never been divorced but look into your options please try. Your life isn t over there always a way to move forward. Your husband also sounds like he may be classified as emotionally abusive so perhaps that could also be something that could be used to help you out of this situation in terms of receiving help from a organisation or something ? Maybe you could get a loan ? Sorry if none of my suggestions are helpful. I’m pretty young and I don’t have any experiance with divorce or marriage but I just had to say something because I felt horrible about the thought of you killing yourself. The world would be a darker place without you. You are meant to be in this world don’t let him take that away from you. Im sending love your way. I will be praying for you. I hope you can keep going and remain hopeful until you find a way out of this x. See if this article is helpful =

      http://www.oprah.com/relationships/what-to-do-when-you-cant-afford-a-divorce

  • Sasha

    Hi ladies it’s been afew months since I last commented. Working through anger, trying to get on with my life,and working hard to create a secure,supportive and nurturing home for my child to come home to, in all the chaos. As some of you know I went NC almost immediately and only communicate if it concerns our child. My ex rubbed our noses in his perfect new ,all singing and dancing relationship,and we simply have been muddling through. So it’s been 10 months and I’m doing pretty good most of the time. This weekend saw a massive shift. I texted my ex asking if he would like to open Xmas presents with our child Xmas day in the morning,and I would be happy to walk the dog,and let them have time. A couple of hours later ,he dropped our daughter off and wanted to speak to me. Firstly asking how I thought our child was doing,then telling me he’d never stop loving me,he thinks about me all the time,has felt sad,was desperate when I didn’t wish him well on his birthday,and wants to be sat back on our sofa. I told him it was unfortunate he felt that way,especially as he is living with OW,and it showed he had no respect for her either. ( not that she deserves any,but I will stay true to my self belief and at the end of the day she’s a human too). I guess I surprised myself. He kept hugging me ,trying to hold my hand,saying he hated the man I was with. ( erm, what man is that then.) I do love him, although I don’t think enough to want to go back. I’m grateful he was honest, however what he put us through,was sheer hell, and yes I take part of the blame for the way things ended. Perhaps I need to try harder,as I’d all but given up a couple of years prior…but I will not gloss over the bespicable way he treated us after we split. All because he was angry I’d checked out,and never fought for him. I know he would be back in a heart beat…..but I’m not sure it’s right,or would be any better. For now I’d like to think we can communicate and show a United front for our child.

  • Maria

    My 61 year old husband of 32 years recently married the 25 year old girl he started dating when we were still married. She is now 6 months pregnant. I can’t seem to accept this and forgiveness is so far from my mind at the moment. I really hope Karma keeps count of all a person’s wrongdoings. I have so much bitterness in me and I feel so lonely being on my own after being married for so long.
    Please help me

  • eve

    Hello, my husband just left me for another woman. We have 2 kids a 2 and 3 year old together. He comes to tell me now that we are on a family get away 100,000 miles away from home. I don’t know what to do with my self knowing my kids will not have a mommy and daddy home.. that another woman will be around my kids it’s seriously killing me right now… i love this man so much and specially love my family and to know we won’t have that anymore is completely breaking me.

    • Sasha

      Eve,do nothing. Even though your world is falling apart…do nothing. Let him go, say nothing and concentrate on your children. At the moment he’s in the throws of the affair…she will be on a pedestal,and he will rationalise his decision by thinking she’s the one. She isn’t! Leave him to work it out. As for your kids, I suggest you ask him to let the kids get use to him going before he introduces anyone to them. Most child experts say a year to get use to mum and dad splitting. If he loves his kids he will agree. I split with my partner ten months ago, only discussed our child and worked hard at getting on with things. It took him this long to decide he still loved me,wanted me,missed me…….only one problem now…..I’m not sure I want to go back with him. I never responded or gave him any idea of my thought, just listened to what he had to say. I know eventually he will be desperate,so I will let him stew in this thoughts….it’s hard,and you need to fill your time,but you have to make him miss you, reinvent yourself, when you see him,make sure you look your best….you can do it! Remember he has history with you,something he doesn’t have with her.

  • Katie

    My husband and I have been together 23 years, married for 21. We have 2 daughters, ages 16 and 14. I was completely blindsided 2 months ago when he said he was “bored” and wanted out. I thought we had a very good marriage, shared interests, shared social life and independent social life and hobbies too. I recently found out that he’s been having an affair with our younger daughter’s elementary school teacher. She has left her husband of 10 years to be with mine. She lives in our neighborhood and her children and my children have mutual friends. It’s like my husband has morphed into a completely different person and I don’t understand how he can be so selfish when he was previously so loving. I love the person that he used to be but despise the new version of him. It’s so difficult dealing with all of the various emotions and I’m feeling and dealing with his constant demands to go to mediation and split accounts, property, figure out what to do with the house, custody schedule, etc. I know divorce is common but had no idea how extremely difficult everything would be.

  • Brittany

    Hello, the last time I commented was around october when I left my story. After almost 9 years together and almost 8 years of marriage my husband and father of my soon to be 3 children that I thought was my soulmate left me for a 21 year old. This happening as I’m carrying our third child and home taking care of our other two babies while he is away in Ohio (we live in Arkansas) was painful betraying and heartbreaking to say the least. Well to this day he is still with her. I found out that he took her to north Carolina with him to his next job. This hurt as well considering when he first left her wouldn’t let the kids and I come with him but he is taking her on the road with him. And when we welcome our son in a few weeks he will be bringing her with him. He tells me that she will be apart of our kids lives weather I like it or not, something that I refuse to allow to happen but know that I have no choice. I Wanted to think it was the drugs and drinking (he was hooked on meth before leaving and I found it while we were visiting him) I wanted to believe it was these things that did all of this but it was him not loving me..at all..that did it. It hurts that he cares so much for her in their short time together and that I mean nothing at all to him. My heartbreak means nothing. I have tried so dang bad to move past it all but how is that even possible. Im struggling in more ways than one. I lost my apartment because he wouldn’t send me money, I’m going to raise 3 kids as a single mom making minimum wage (its $8.50 in At) I lost my husband, my kids lost their dad (he would rather stay on the road working then come home and uses the “I don’t know when its a good time to call” as his reasoning for never callimg them, and im going to have to deal with this woman being in my kids life. Im going through so much all the whilr he’s living happy and getting the life he always Wanted

  • Tina

    My husband and I have been together for almost 18 years and we have three sons. He asked for divorce back in March but never left the house. I kept trying to work on the marriage during this time and he kept telling me that he didn’t want to be married anymore, he didn’t want to be in a relationship, he just wanted to be by himself and wanted peace in his life because all we did was argue. He assured me over and over, promised me over and over that it wasn’t because of another woman. Well, I just recently found out that he had been talking and texting a woman for at least year-and-a-half, maybe even longer. When I found out I kicked him out of the house change the locks. He has been gone for 5 weeks now and I found out that he has been spending time with her, taking her out and sleeping over at her house. He says he doesn’t love her but he doesn’t say that he loves me either. I am devastated and heartbroken and so are my sons. He has shown No Remorse for what he has done and continue to see her. Oh and did I mention that the woman that he’s seen is the wife and now ex-wife of one of his best friends of almost 35 years. My two older son’s don’t want anything to do with him and he blames me for it. He blames me for the entire breakup of our family, he blames me for his cheating, he blames me for kicking him out the house and changing the locks, he blames me for everything! I want to hate him so bad but for some reason I love him and I want him back. I feel so stupid, I never thought I would be the woman that would accept a man to cheat on me until it happened. How do I cope and move on with my? How do I find peace and happiness, not just for myself but especially for my son?

    • Lala

      Men. I wanted mine back also, until a week ago when his new girlfriend contacted me to let me know how much he loves her and wants to be with her. I also found out he told her we separated 5 years ago, when it only happened 6 months ago. Also, he’s been seeing this woman for a while. Long before we ever split. My husband blames me for everything also. I don’t know why he just can’t “own it’. Own his part. Own what he’s done. Own the fact that he’s the reason this all happened. I don’t know why he won’t own it, but I’m not at all surprised either.

      I married this man twice. We separated 27 years ago. We remarried 26 years ago. Our first marriage lasted 10 years. The second, 25. I’m 59 years old. And now by biggest fear is that I’ll never love again.

      Here’s the thing, about going back. I did go back the first time around, but……there hadn’t been any cheating. No lies. No disrespect. We just had issues we couldn’t seem to resolve. I wouldn’t go back now, even though my heart feels as though it’s been ripped out of my chest, I cry all the time (and I have never ever been a crier), and I feel like my life is over. I miss him so much I can’t see. Well, let me rephrase: I miss the man I thought I knew. I miss a guy who no longer exist. I miss a guy that was always honest. I miss a guy that was caring. I miss a guy that would have done anything for me. I miss a guy who loved me and took care of me. This guy, the one I left 6 months ago, is not the guy I married, either time. This guy lies. This guy is sleeping with someone else.. This guy cares about someone else now. This guy is not a guy I want to be with.

      I guess what I’m trying to say is, no matter how much it hurts (and I know at times it’s so painful I question whether or not I even want to go on living) I wouldn’t want a man back that didn’t want me. I know, no matter what I’m feeling right now, no matter how horrible, that this pain will pass. It won’t pass as quick as I wan’t it to. I won’t ever even go away completely, but I wouldn’t want to be with someone who I stopped mattering to. Alone will be better. And at least alone I will, some day, want and have the opportunity to be with someone who I do matter to.

      • Tina

        Thank you for sharing your story and I’m so sorry you are going through a difficult time. My heart aches for you and I understand the pain.

        I’ve told my husband that his relationship with her will never last or have trust because it was built on lies, distrust and the problems & issues we had in our marriage and the problems & issues they had in their marriage. They both have insecurity issues and can’t tell the truth about anything. People are always telling me what comes around goes around and they will both get what’s coming to them. I wish it will happen sooner than later!

        I truly hope someday you can find happiness and love. I’ll be praying for you…..

  • Jackie

    My husband of 20 years left me. Moved to another country and now I’ve learned that he has another just after 2 weeks. He accidentally charged the his new life to my credit card and that is how I learned about it. We have no children because of other issues. Now it’s too late to start over for me. I really don’t know where to pick up myself. He says he wants to help me but it hurts so much. He says he loves her and that’s there is nothing I can do about it. It feels so unfair.

  • Hillary

    I have a heartbreaking story to tell. 15 yrs ago my husband cheated on my and impregnated this women. After months of back and forth I decided to work it out. She put him thru hell with his daughter those first years and I stood by his side. Fast forward 15 yrs. My life was good, just that morning we were talking of the future. That evening I was hit with the I dont love you, I feel nothing for you, I am no longer attracted to you. I grabbed his phone and read thru his messages and found he rekindled his relationship with her. He says that she has nothing to do with this, he has had these feelings for a long time and just started talking to her about 6 months ago. I asked him if there was any chance we can make this work and he looked at me with the most look of disgust on his face and said I can never touch you again. The heartache is unbearable. He is still living here in the house he said he is leaving after Christmas. I stopped working many years ago due to health problems and now the anxiety of trying to figure out how I am going to keep a roof over my kids heads is making me sick. i am not sure I will ever be the same after this. I put my whole heart and soul into this man and he has shattered me. He openly text and talks to her on the phone to, coming home from work he was on the phone with her. I feel foolish and my self esteem is gone.

  • Quanita Robert

    I have been married to my husband for 7 years. And he has pushed me out of our relationship to be with a younger women. We are both 29. I do have infertility problems I believe he left for that reason. We broke up a month again and now this woman comes around his family. When I tell you I am so hurt. I cry every single night. I didn’t know I had problems conceiving. I lost my best friend and my husband, he was everything to me. He just threw me away like a piece of trash. I don’t know how to stop crying, I don’t know what to do. I never thought this would happen to me. I’m so lonely and heartbroken. I miss him so much that it’s killing me inside. Sometimes I just feel like giving up on myself. What man is gonna want me with my infertility problems.

    • Cynthia

      Hi Quanita. I know this is hard to hear, but there are many men out there who do not desire to have children. I know, because my son is one of them. He looked for a woman who was professional and did not want children. He is very happy now with his wife. They travel and do so many things.
      My situation is devastating also. But I have been married 42 years, and who is going to want an old woman of 65 years old? I am so heartbroken. I am at a loss of what to do. I can’t stop crying. C.

    • Lynda

      The man who takes you As u are is a real man that deserves everything u offer. Your fertility is not the problem it’s your husband who has issues. My husband abandoned me and our 3 kids after 20 years together and watching your babies grieve their dad when they are innocent is devastating.i am 10 months post separation and still crying and shocked as to what happend and why. Just breath, look at all the stages of grief and don’t rush your recovery you get there when you get there. The heaviness in your heart will pass eventually. Stay strong you are and always will be the better person.

        • Lynda

          I think the pain and memory of it lingers and will for what feels like forever, but with time u get better at dealing with it. Until u find a new love it will never leave U. I hope u cry less each day, run a little further and fantasise how karma is going screw him over… that’s what makes me smile and friends who get angry for me.

    • Hanna

      I was 29 when my husband left me for another woman… I was 12 weeks pregnant with our second planned child he moved straight in with her then made me sell the family house so he could buy a bigger one with her. I understand your pain, the pain of betrayal and embarrassment and missing your best friend. But it gets easier and it wasn’t meant to be, start a fresh, be alone for a while and grieve the loss xoxo

        • Miya

          Everything in life happens for a reason and your ex husband did you a major favor by leaving you right now and not 10 years down the line. You are still young and as you said it is best that you enjoy YOUR OWN company which will lead you to become more independent. Years down the line you will mentally thank your ex for pushing you to be the person you are in the future. Life is full of obstacles but it really shapes you as a person. Best wishes!

  • Cynthia

    I am utterly devastated. Today my husband of 42 years told me he wants to leave our marrige and move in with another woman. This woman followed him in his band, and seduced him,
    . After only 2 months she wants my husband to live with her. She will take care of him she says. This is all after her husband left her a year ago. Supposedly she was depressed and now she is doing this to another woman. ME . She is a family wrecker. I cannot sleep and my chest aches. He is willing to throw away all we have been thru for a 2 month fling. How can that be? I do not understand. I want desperately to talk to someone but I have no one. I would never talk to family or out 2 grown children. I am embarrassed. I hurt so badly I want to end my life. What do I do?

    • Heather

      Oh my, this sounds like my story. My husband is living with her after only being with her 2 weeks, if that. I try to eat and it goes straight through me. I try to sleep and as soon as I close my eyes I picture what he’s doing with her, what he’s telling her, if he’s showing her things he showed me, letting her listen to music we listened to. I can’t do anything without thinking of him. I miss him, I miss us and I want him back so bad, even though I know I deserve better… I want him, my husband! I hate her for knowing that he’s married and it didn’t bother her. She’s 54 years old and he’s 30! I’m just so sick about all of this!

      • Cynthia

        Thank you all for replying and giving advice. I am totally amazed how many women are out there in my situation. Unfortuneately, it makes one feel not alone, but it doesn’t help the heavy heartache.I am still devastated and decided to go to the dr. yesterday when I had trouble breathing. My chest hurt so bad, and I hadn’t slept in 2 days. My ekg showed stress, my blood pressure was way up. I feel nauseous, the pain in my chest is so hurting. My head aches. I am not crying as much and I don’t know if that is good or bad. I just feel this heavy sadness that just won’t go away. I am thinking I am all cried out. My dr. ( a woman) thank God, was so incredibly understanding and caring. She gave me a list of therapists, but no one is interested or available. And what can she or anybody do but feel sorry for you?
        The HARDEST thing is I have is no one to talk to… a body sitting next to me to relate to. I try to get my husband to talk about it and he says adamantly he doesn’t want to talk about it. He/we decided to wait and “see what happens “ and reaccess in January. I don’t want to ruin our family’s holidays. How do I live? What to say? It is like things are normal, but there not. We are like just existing. I am walking on eggshells. He acts normal, but there is an absence of him….I don’t know how to say it. i have to cook Thanksgiving and part of our family is coming, and I don’t know how I will keep it together. I keep,asking myself, what is the right and what is the wrong thing to do? I want my husband to change his mind and stay, I love him so much, but this woman will continue to follow my husband’s band and “be there” unless he ends it. She is Satan tempting him the way I see it. I asked my husband how do I know if this will,happen again and he said you don’t . How am I supposed to,live with that? I said I would go to his band jobs, and he said no, he didn’t want to worry about a shit fight between me and her as he will be working. What does he expect me to do? At what point can I trust someone in the family and talk to someone about it. I thought about my brother in law. We are “ outlaws “ together and often groan and moan about family stuff, but I am afraid he will accidentally tell my husband’s sister. I am a talker and much need someone to listen and understand. I guess this is the best way for now. I have heard from so many caring people. But no one seems to know what to do or have an answer. Cause we are all devastated and don”t know what to do. My heart goes out to all of you in my situation. Cynthia

        • Dani

          Cynthia my heart aches for you. I think (as painful as it is) it is best if you move on from him. Let the family members know because if he is willing to leave you for her, they are bound to know one day anyways. Grief, cry, and feel the pain because once you endure all that emotions you will feel lighter in the future. Treat it as a death of your husband. If he was so easily persuaded by a women who he has known for a short time and is willing to throw away almost half a century of marriage then who is to say he won’t do that again in the future? Get on your two feet and move far away. Seek therapists that are willing to hear about your pain. Love is a beautiful thing but it can be so painful. Give yourself time to heal. Invest on your hobbies and YOURSELF. Surround yourself with your family and children. Life is short and you need to make the most of it. 2018 is approaching and you should mark that year as your new beginning. Make 2018 the year of Cynthia. Lots of love and please keep us updated.

      • Pained by divorce

        My husband of 17 years told me a month ago he wanted a divorce. The pain I feel is horrific. I cry every single day. He met a girl online in July. Once I found out, he stopped until mid October when he text her and started things up. A week later he asked for a divorce. I don’t know how anyone gets through this. We have 2 amazing children and they are devastated. All the paperwork is filed and we will be divorced in a few months. My world has been turned upside down.

    • Rosa

      Cynthia I am so sorry!!!!! Please don‘t doubt yourself! It‘s not you. Please keep in prayer. Believe me God is hurting for you. He feels your pain and despair. Please pray. God hears you and He will protect you. Your husband has been taken by sin and fell for temptation. Never forget, it is not you. Why are you embarressed? You have done no wrong!!! I feel your pain. I am going through this too and feelings of guilt and shame are wrong! You are faithful, have two wonderful children and you are a lovely mother!!! Please keep strong! Please don‘t give up. You are so prescious to God. Give your pain over to him. God is with you!! My prayers are for you. Gid bless and protect you!!!!

      • Julie

        I know your pain only too well and I am still living it every day. I am also undergoing cancer treatment at the same time. It is not you it is him. You have done nothing wrong. One breath, one second, one minute at a time. Whatever it takes. Some times I feel so angry and others so weak. Know this has absolutely nothing to do with you. It is his weakness not yours. It is hard I know but you are worth 20 of him.

        • Cynthia

          Hi Julie. Thank you for responding. I feel so sorry for you ! I can’t imagine being sick while going thru this devastation. I will pray for you. I went to the dr. yesterday. She called to check on me today. I just don’t want to live anymore. I am praying, but God is not answering me. I know I did nothing wrong. I keep telling myself that and that I am a good person. I feel so alone. C.

  • Heather

    My husband and I are from Louisiana, and in May we moved to Mississippi. September 30th was my husband and I one year wedding anniversary. October 25th I caught him talking dirty to his manager at work over the phone. When I questioned him about it, he blew up and yelled he wanted a divorce, out of the blue. He was adamant about me leaving. So on November 3rd, I came back to Louisiana alone. It is November 19th today and I’m just so lost. He calls me maybe once or twice a week from HER number but denies that he is with her! I don’t know if he thinks I’m stupid or what, but it’s obvious he left me for her. Keep in mind, he is 30 and she is 54. I know I deserve better, but I want him back. He tells me he doesn’t love me anymore and he wants a divorce, but deep down I don’t believe that’s what he really wants. He said the reason he wanted out was because I complained too much. His parents said he is just looking for an excuse. He doesn’t take responsibility for anything, everything is my fault. Again, I know I deserve better, but I want him back so bad. I’m so lost without him and my heart really hearts because of this. I’m just waiting for him to call and say he’s sorry and wants to work on things. I don’t know what to do anymore. We both changed each other’s lives. I had depression and social anxiety. Being with him helped me with all of that and I was able to get off my medication. When I met him, he was an alcoholic who his family didn’t want him around because he was always in and out of jail. When we got together, I changed his life because his drinking slowed down tremendously and he didn’t go back to jail in 3 years. His family was wanting him around, and he would do things with his family. They thanked me daily for saving his life! I just want our marriage back before she got into the picture.

  • Cyndi

    My husband left me for his co-worker after 10 years of marriage. I was completely blindsided and devastated. We tried to work it out for 3 months after I found out but he eventually chose her. I think he only tried for those 3 months because he was waiting for her to make her move because she too was married with 3 kids. We have an 8 year old son who is so hurt and angry now. He has major separation anxiety issues. It’s been 19 months that we have been separated and 11 months divorced but I still love him. But I also hate him. I question all the time what I did wrong, what does she have that I don’t? I don’t know how they both could have been so willing to hurt so many people and be selfish. My husband NEVER gave me a clue that anything was wrong, ever. As far as I was concerned we were fine, happy. It wasn’t a perfect marriage, of course, but it certainly wasn’t bad enough to warrant an affair or divorce. I think it’s my weight. I gained 70 lbs being with my husband in those 10 years and I think he just got grossed out by me. His mistress/now girlfriend is thin. How do I move forward and stop being so damn angry and bitter? Will he ever get his karma? They say that men always come back, well mine hasn’t and he probably never will. I’m just so disillusioned by love and trust.

    • Lynda

      Living it and trying to make sense of it. Exercise is the best revenge and it’s the best treatment for depression. So the 70 pounds u put on with him in your life should be the first you loose without him in your life. Just walk and then run, set mini goals and do it with your son. Share the adventure, join a running club, just try to get outside cause being home just allows you time to think about what u lost. I too am waiting for the karma bus to arrive but it must have broken down cause he not only stole my happiness but gave away my ever after as well. Thanks to FB they get to spread their love for all to see. Stay strong and can’t wait to hear when karma slaps him n the face

  • Jo

    My husband of 7 years (together for 20) started going to a gym class a while back and got really in to it. He talked a lot about the woman in the class and even occasionally they’d all go for a drink after their workout. Foolishly I trusted him only to be told recently that a girl 18 years his junior (he’s in his 40’s) had asked him on a date and instantly he was gone. He tells me that they haven’t actually been on a date yet but are emailing and texting each other but he thinks she could be the one.
    I’m devastated that me, our family, our future and future plans were so easily discarded. I’m questioning why I wasn’t enough, what a 25 year old would want in someone his age and fearful of mine and my families future. I’m disgusted in him and feel so angry at his selfishness and how shallow he has become. I know I’ll get through this but it’s so hard right now.

  • DEE

    My husband cheated on me 13 years ago, I forgave him and stood by his side. He had a baby with this women. Just the other day he informed me that he no longer loves me and doesn’t find me attractive. I found his phone and it confirmed for me he started another affair with this same women. He just earlier that day was talking about the future and bam I hate you. I am absolutely broken, the heart ache is more than I can bare. I have no job, no savings, I have nothing. How do I move on from here.

    • Jo

      Hi Dee – I feel your pain and betrayal. I’m in a similar situation myself and don’t know the answer to get through this – which I guess is why we’ve ended up on this website – looking for answers. Everyone says to be kind to yourself and that’s true, but I’m not even sure how to do that. I think what I have learned so far though is that it’s ok to be numb for a while. Not everything must be sorted right away and to just keep breathing in and out one day at a time. God bless.

  • Elize

    But how do you just stop loving the man that means the world to you.
    How do you let go off someone you cant live without?
    Even if he wants to try again I am so hurt. I cant trust and that is why I dont stop fighting.

  • James

    Hello I’m looking for advice on wondering if I’m doing the right thing. I filed for divorce and the initial hearing is in about a week. I’m a male 40 years old and my wife is 41. We have a daughter together and she will be 5 in December.
    We have been married for 11 years and it has not been a Rosy marriage. There have been issues of infidelity, absence from each other for extended periods, no willingness to forgive and move on even years after things occurred. Overall it has been a tumultuous relationship filled with turmoil and a lack of stability. She has never wanted to be a part of my family and her family I hardly even know is there in another country. Essentially it has been just me and her and our daughter.
    Throughout our marriage I have always worked a job that required longer hours and also through the marriage I have never forced her to work and she has willingly worked for about 2 years out of our total time together.
    About a year-and-a-half ago my wife went to Mexico to begin the process of repairing her mother’s house. Understandably this is going to be several months and in fact she did come back after 3 months of being away. She was here in the United States for about 2 months months then left to go back for an additional amount of 6 months which was not necessarily planned. After this time she came back and was here for about another 2 months and then she left again to still take care of unfinished business that was back there. This whole time I was taking care of my daughter and working hard to make a living to provide for her and for us. The last time that she left I’d had enough and filed for divorce. I wouldn’t say that just her being absent was the contributing cause but more so the feelings of abandonment loneliness and the lack of support and making our family a priority.
    In the end I’m not so convinced that divorce is the answer it every minute that I spend thinking about it I don’t ever see myself being happy with her.
    I feel like I’ve been used for the financial support through the marriage and that in the end that’s what has become the main focal point. During this last trip for her to Mexico I had met someone and had an affair that lasted about a month.
    Upon her return I broke all ties with this person and ever since she has been back she’s pleaded with me on a daily basis that she loves me and that she doesn’t want to get a divorce. I still feel compelled to divorce her as even though the Affair was short-lived it opened my eyes to how another life could be.
    I think that my biggest beef is that now that she is back her whole world is about our daughter whereas for the time that she was back in Mexico it was her choice to be there and to be away I’m not just her daughter but her husband as well.
    Perhaps this is wrong and I would be open to any viewpoints.

    • Rosa

      Hi James,

      I know how it feels when you are let down from your own spouse. All I can say is love is a choice and a comittment. You may now think that the grass is greener on the other side but it isn‘t. In every relationship there will be trials to take.You have a marriage and a family to save. Show your strength and honor your self by fighting for your family. Please try to work this out with your wife. Fight for what you believed in! Divorce is not the answer. Hapiness lies within you! Do not try to complete yourself by trying to find someone else. Please give your self and your family at least one last chance! Owe it to your wife, your beautiful daughter, your self and most of all to God who has blessed you with a family! Please find God and someone that can help you. Divorce and destroying a family is not the answer to be happy, believe me. Find your happiness in your self and fight for what you have chosen in the beggining… your wife and daughter!

      May God give you wisdom and help you in this very difficult moment. God bless you and your family…. and PLEASE don‘t give up!!!!

  • Brittany

    Hello all,
    My husband left for work in Ohio while our two kids and I remained in Arkansas. Things were good between us and then he stops all communication. Then a few weeks ago in, a text message no doubt, that things arent what we wanted them to be and that our relationship has grown toxic and unhealthy (only because of his drug problems before he left and the fact he stopped talking to me) and that we should be civil for our children and then two days later informs me that he has found someone that makes him happier, healthier and an all around better man. Really!! How can a 21 year old (he’s turning 29 december) that you barely know make you happier than the woman you share children with, that you have Shared so much with for almost 9 years together. Let me add that I’m 7 months pregnant with our third child so it made everything so much harder. Needless to say I have been trying to get him to come home before with me and the kids and be a family because we haven’t been together as a family since he left in may. And of course he ignores every text I send about us making it work and giving our marriage another chance instead of running away. Its all very hard to handle because we were always very happy and in love and then he started a drug problem around august of last year that I never even noticed. Apparently the drugs aren’t an issue anymore because he passed multiple drugs tests so he’s just a willing jerk that leaves his pregnant wife for a much younger woman with no responsibilities. And what made it worse is he’s going to be taking her on the road with him for work when he refused to take the kids and I with him on the road. Im the foolish woman that wants to have hope that since we shared so much and that since this woman holds no value as the mother of his children or heck for anything except for the fact she has a slim body and can go to the bar with him and won’t complain about his drinking, I want to have hope that he will miss me and change his mind. But considering he is wanting a divorce badly and not talking to me what so ever, I know I need to just move on and let go of this man that I love so much. I just don’t know how to because I want more than anything to keep my family together.

    • Rosa

      Brittany I am so sorry. Please keep in mind that it has nothing to do with you. The problem is in himself. A spouse that cheats shows a great weakness in him self and it is absolutely not you! Please keep strong, you have your beautiful children and soon you will be blessed with another child. Never forget that God is with you and He is protecting you. Keep strong in your prayers. Believe me God hears all your prayers and He will be with you ALWAYS. I feel your pain! My husband left me after 20 years of marriage for a girl half my age!!!
      You will make it because you are very precious and a wonderful mother.

      God bless you. My prayers are with you!

  • Barb

    My husband, one week after our 25th wedding anniversary, met me at the door while I was returning from a bridal shower of a friend’s daughter. He said I am divorcing you. I thought he was joking, as he had said the day before how much he loved me, and given me a video of our life together, 25 diamond bracelet, and even painted his toe nails ILUVMYWIFE. He said he hadn’t loved me in years, and was moving out. He left me for his mistress I had no idea about, but met her through one of my best friends. Apparently, he had been bad mouthing me to family, friends, and his over 100 employees for years. I am an educated woman with two professional degrees, and nobody said anything to me. Apparently I was an abusive alcoholic. He came back after a year, stayed for two months, left for his mistress (her third husband divorced her for her adultery) then begged for a second chance. I found out he continued seeing her for another eight months, until the day before she married her fourth husband.

    Husband blames me. My children, away at college during this time, said Dad had to leave because I was a liar.

    He says his cheating was 100 percent my fault. I have been periodically stalked by this woman. He also admitted to previous non-sexual dating with a few other women.

    How can I ever get my Trust back? Oh, yeah, the mistress followed us on vacation, and left a solid underpants in my beach bag.

  • Kate

    Last Wednesday after 7 years my husband told me that he can’t lie snymore and wants to leave me for another woman. We just moved out from our flat to save money and get a better one. I stayed with my sister he stayed with his mum. He ignored my calls and messages. However i suppouse to meet him today to finalise the financial side. I don’t feel strong enough to face this man. He was so cold and heartlessness over the phone.
    I feel drained and tired. I don’t know what to do.

    • Lynda

      Hi Kate , if u are not ready to meet with him don’t the money issues are not going any where and he can bloody wait. Get your strength and be brave, don’t be forced to do anything u are not sure about. Emotions can get in the way and u are most likely going to play nice cause u love him. He won’t, so be cautious. Get advice from someone u trust and even take them with u, he has a plan already (stupid one) so don’t let him decide what is best for u. I hate saying it but it really is just one day at a time and u will get better at dealing with it. Crying is what we do best and it’s a great way to release your emotions, stress and frustration. Sending u a big hug and know that I understand your pain.

  • Lynda

    Hi all, my story is not that different to all that I have read. What I need today is some courage to keep going. I am 9 months into my separation and having to say “my husband left me and our kids for someone else”. Still crying every day, I would love to hear about how you survive or how karma got justice for u.

    • Sasha

      Hi Lynda….it has been around eight months since we split,finding out afew weeks later he was cheating…my only grace was it was mutual. However, I think it’s hit me harder knowing he cheated… unless it’s about our child I have absolutely nothing to do with him. I went no contact pretty much immediately…as hard as it has been I decided to eat right, not ruminate and to take each day as it came. I went back to work which was a godsend,and although that horrible feeling in my stomach still rears its ugly head from time to time,I’m coping pretty well. He on the other hand isn’t doing too well. He moved in with trollop ( my affectionate name for the OW) and was eager for our child to meet her. He incensed me, but I tried to take it in my stride. He’s played dirty,but he just isn’t too bright. He’s threatened to stop paying all the maintenance….hasn’t happened because I very shrewdly photocopied all bank statements, savings statements,and all his other business dealings prior to him catching on,in the early weeks.
      I love the fact he knows nothing about my life,and yes he constantly asks about me to mutual friends ( those friends who you feel you can’t trust, just cut them off, saves time and people going behind your back)… he isn’t the man he was, he looks terrible, tells our child he still loves mum, and asks her if mum still loves him…he went through a phase of telling me what I had to pay for,trying to hold on to some kind of control, but I just let him Whitter on…..he’s tried to hug me,waves at me when he sees me in the car, has had me followed..I could go on,but one thing I have that he can never take away is my respect, pride and dignity. Yes I still love him, but not enough to want him back. We spend half our lives together,I championed his career, and was his biggest fan. I hope in time I can converse without looking at him with utter disgust. It’s sad really because he’s stuck with a woman who by all accounts he’s not happy with ( too many people are telling me, he moans about her, talks to her disrespectfully and is never seen with her in our village) and the fact he cheated and she knew he had a family, I’m guessing the trust issue will be a major part in their bullshit relationship. Karma works its magic and he got exactly what he deserved. The grass is never greener, life still gets in the way,and the excitement of the affair soon fades…and they are left with a shittier life, and having to stand on the edge,looking in on the wonderful family they had. And yes I’m guilty of making mistakes in the relationship, but I own them, learn from it, ready to meet someone special who thoroughly deserves me… chin up babe, we will get through it,and in time thank our lucky stars.xxx

      • Lynda

        Thank u, I think what pulls me down a lot is the fact that he did wrong but refuses to have anything to do with me cause it’s too uncomfortable for him. He posts how happy he is on FB with the SLAG (OW) and only gives 4 hrs every second week to his kids, lives with hers as she has them every second week. Broke her marriage up so she could destroy my and steal my husband. There is no co-parenting as he refuses to communicate with me and then it’s only via text or email, which is always about money. Which he never has apparently but goes out every weekend drinking. I am glad u have your life in order, good luck finding a real man who deserves u

        • Sasha

          HEY Lynda…hope your ok. I wish my ex would stick to access times. I’ve been very fair ,he sees her mon,wed,fri,and every other weekend on the Friday overnight. Just wish he would stick to it. He’s at our house daily waiting outside to take her to school,or turns up beeping his horn for her to come out…every day is a nightmare. He texts her about twenty times a day, rings all the time. I don’t say anything,but my 13 year old says it’s too much. She would never say anything because she wouldn’t want to upset him,but I see her frustration. I feel for her,and him, because I know he misses his old life…but everything he has done over the last several months have shown me just what a pathetic piece of shit he really is. He thought his life would be better, well from where I’m standing it’s pretty sad. He lives with a trollop who looks about 60 yet is younger than me. ( have to say that made me feel great when I saw just how low his standards had got), a woman who cheated with her best friends partner whilst married, a woman who took her child on a date with another man,whilst she was married,I’d say he met his match…and I laugh to myself every time I think about it. He took away his right to co parent when he treated us so shoddily….after what he put our child through,I’m not sure I even want any kind of relationship with him ….yes it’s hard, but realise one thing, when the dust settles,and they realise just what they have lost, the only looser is them…..in every sense of the word….

  • Annie

    My husband of 24 years left last sept on my birthday – he said the usual I need to be alone figure out what I want I’m not in love with you anymore!! Nine weeks later I found out he had been having an affair with a 32 yr coworker (16 years younger) ! I was devastated , when I found out she decided he wasn’t what she wanted and had no more comtact! He on the other hand lived the single life to the full! He now says he’s moving in with a woman he’s known a few months!! Total opposite of me and totally the opposite of what he would have found attractive! He tells me he’s no money yet I know he’s taken her on two holidays abroad, weekends away etc!! So hurtful he has now distanced himself even more even from our three children! I was doing ok getting stronger but since finding out this latest bomb drop I feel just awful again ( diahorroea appetite loss insomnia ) I’m so disappointed I e let it affect me this way and really do want to move on! I would like an apology from him for all the hurt he’s caused and for him to show al least some remorse! Am I being unreasonable? Thanks Annie

  • Julie

    Hello. Well my story is a doozy as well. Second marriages for both my husband and I. We met in 2001 and married in 2003. Had our ups and downs over the years like everybody else. He runs his own business which involves night shifts. He has had this for 20 years. Over the years we have drifted further apart – sleeping in different rooms because of his shifts and I’m a light sleeper. Soon it became a permanent thing. In late 2013 he was so distant that I asked him what was wrong. He said he wasn’t happy and wanted to go. I begged him to stay to try and work things out but we fell into the same old routine. My resentment built of him putting everyone and everything before me. In late 2013 my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer so the next 8 months all my time was taken up with her before her death in August 2014. My father then became ill and died 3 months after that in 2014. My grief was huge as I was the one who had to handle everything. Fast forward to March 2016 and I knew my marriage was in trouble. Spoke to husband who again said he was unhappy. Tried everything I could to get things back on track but he just wasn’t responding. In February and March this year both his parents died. A month later after that I discovered he had been cheating on me with an employee for the last 2 years. I never thought he would do it as ex-wife and ex-fiancée had done it to him. His mistress has broken up with him 5 or 6 times in that period because he wouldn’t leave me. Apparently she has Parkinson’s and wanted to concentrate on her health and family. He agreed to try and sort things out with me (no promises he said) and all was going reasonably well until I was diagnosed with cancer in August. There were many weeks of tests before my diagnosis and my mind was on my health naturally. I have to have out of state treatment and his reluctance to accompany me at times was confirmed last week that he is seeing her again. He ‘loves’ her with such intensity he says that he thinks about her all the time. He is completely obsessed. She is the female version of him so he says. From what I can gather she initiated contact again but who really knows. He says I wasn’t supposed to find out about it until after my treatment had finished. I am gutted. I love this man with all my heart but what sort of person could see another person when his wife is having cancer treatment in another state? He says he wants to continue supporting me through my treatment. He hasn’t told her that I know because he doesn’t want any pressure from her. My heart is broken beyond belief. I am sitting in the airport with him waiting for my flight wondering what the hell I’m doing. I feel so weak to not give him the boot and get on with my life. He is being so nice to me and hiring a car and saying we will go to the places I said I wanted to go. This whole situation is so screwed up. Why should I be the one to tell him to go. If he wants to go he should go but doesn’t want to look to be the bad guy. I have him physically but she has his heart. I am so tired by my treatment. Part of me wants him to stay as I somehow still love him and the other says just go. I know he will still be seeing her behind my back. So sad angry hurt. Stop the world so want to get off. 😢😢

    • Kim

      Oh Julie I am so sorry for your predicament, the last thing you need when you are battling cancer is the stress of having your husband behaving like this. Not sure what to advise, you sure as hell don’t want him to stay through pity when he wants to be elsewhere, but I know its not a good time to face the big trauma of other life changing event. Don’t know what it is with men and wanting to look good while doing bad things. I really hope things turn out ok for you and really hope you get the all clear very soon with the treatment. My husband texted me about his affair being made official two days after he knew my best friend had been diagnosed with stage four cancer. Amazingly she has been the one that propped me up. Got everything crossed for you be brave xx

  • Patrice Dalton

    After 18 years and 2 children and many affairs (On my husband’s part), finally one of the affairs stuck and he is now choosing her over our family. I am lost at this moment and can’t seem to get through the grieving process. I feel stuck and angry that he has the comfort of this woman to help him cope with the loss of our marriage while I just have myself. I know that it will all get easier with time but getting through it is harder than I imagined. As a mother I have to get up every morning, go to work, get kids ready for school and pretend that every thing is ok when I constantly have to fight back tears most of the day. I really just want to get away, start new but that’s not an option right now. Not sure what I’ll do to begin to heal but I know I have to do some something.

    • Colleen

      I am going through the same thing, my husband left me 3 weeks ago and told me and our 2 kids that he has a girlfriend that he met in August but did not start going out with her until he moved out. I have been with him for 21 years married for 7. i was a teenager and i am devastated. I do not know how to go on. The thought of him with another woman makes me sick to my stomach every minute of everyday. I like you have to get up every day and go to work and take care of my kids but most mornings I do not want to get out of bed 🙁

      • Patrice D Dalton

        I am sad that you are going through that because I know how hard it is. I just keep telling myself that I will get through this and am taking it one day at a time.

      • Rosa

        I so truely unterstand you! I am going through the same thing. After 20 years of marriage and being together for 23 years my husband left me for a very young girl that is only a few years older than our son of 17. It is a year now and I know all the pain and anger you are going through. It takes the light out of your soul and you just cannot believe what on earth happened to your husband. He seems to be a total stranger and sometimes I think an alien must habe replaced him with a very bad copy. You may not believe me now but please keep strong, the hurt and pain will be groe less with time. Don‘t do the huge mistake in trying to search the blame in you. Husbands who cheat have lost a true heart. They are lost in complete selfishness. It is a problem they have within. It is not you. May God aleays be with you and God bless you!

  • MLP

    My husband of 27 years has moved in with his mistress. Her name is Karma. I hate that word. He also has another girlfriend on the side. But Karma is his supposed soulmate because they do lots of threesones and group sex and controlled gang banging. I’m a Mormon. I am so very heartbroken. Five kids including an anorexic daughter desperate for him to come back. I can’t sleep or eat. It’s been 8 months since d-day. Does it ever ever ever get batter?

  • Aaisha

    Hi,

    I’m trying to come to terms with my husband walking out on me. My story is so complicated I just don’t understand himand his leaving at all, as we had everything in life and a man who has everything can still do this???

    I am 29 years old, I have a masters degree from london school of economics, I have a very successful online business. We got married in 2011, my husband who I have known my whole life, has a degree in psychology, which my parents paid for his education. So naturally we all believe him when he says he is a psychologist in Charing Cross hospital with a 30k a year job. At this time I had just finished my masters. We got married in 2011. My husband has OCD and never liked me to move his things or open his post or put his clothes away after washing and ironing. I didn’t think anything of it as it was from the very beginning of our marriage and of course I trusted him because I have known him my whole life. (So recently I find out that he was never a psychologist and for the past 9 years he has been a kitchen assistant barely making 15k a year. Remember I never looked through his post or his bank statements . Please carry on reading there is a whole lot worse )

    So we were living in a very small flat in 2011, my business was doing well. I made enough money in one year to a buy a 4 bed semi detached house in south london. So in April 2012, we purchased the house. The mortgage was under my name only, as my husband said to me that we just wanted a decent house not over the top and there was no need for us to get the maximum we could, so he didn’t apply for more than only what I could get. The house was also only put under my name because he told me, it was all my money so it just made sense and that he trusts me with everything. So I’m paying the mortgage and all the bills whilst he’s not paying anything. In June I get pregnant with our son, he was born in march 2013, unfortunately he was born deaf and therefore had a lot of hospital appointments with heating aid fittings and cochlear implant reviews. Now his appointments were in Birmingham because that’s where he was born as I was with my parents when he was born, so we decided to keep all his medical needs in Birmingham because the centre for his hearing impairment was one of the best in the country. This meant that I had to be in Birmingham a lot with our son whilst my husband was in london and his job ( as a kitchen assistant but told me a psychologist), then unfortunately another tragedy occurred in our family and in January 2015 my husbands brother was shot dead and we now had responsibility of his parents and his brothers wife and kids. I completely understood the situation and was fine with my husband supporting them financially as I was okay supporting us in london. He started going to his parents country every few months leaving me and my son for 3/4 months at a time. I started arguing that His parents can come to us but I can’t do this all my life, I’m exhausted doing everything and that they have no need to live there when they can simply move here, my son has medical needs so I can’t move. My husband always refused. I tried everything to get my son to talk, but wasn’t advised that he best thing for him to learn quicker would be to have a sibling, so we decided to try for another baby, baby was born in march 2017, she was healthy, hearing and I was so happy. I had the son and daughter I always wanted. She was 3 days old and I was in hospital with infections from the birth because of a complicated after delivery with the placenta. My husband left saying he couldn’t get paternity leave and he really needed the money to support his parents back home. I again was understanding even though I was not able to recover. I again decided to stay with my parents. Because I could not do it alone. My son at the same time was starting special needs school as he had also been diagnosed with autism as well as being deaf. I felt iverwhelmed and alone with 2 children despite being married. But still I was selfless and thought he needed the money. My husband then told me 3 weeks after the baby was born that he is going back home to his parents for 3 weeks. We argued, I said you couldn’t get time off for me and the kids but you managed to get 3 weeks to go back home. He went. He called everyday, we argued a lot. I was stressed and he was absent. So on his birthday 7th may, he was still with his parents and I got an email from a hotel, he had spent a night there. I was shocked as they have a house 10 Minuted from the hotel so what was the need. I sent him a text saying I know you were with someone else. He sent me a text saying he couldn’t believe I could gunk such a thing and send him such a text on his birthday. I felt so bad. He switched his phone off from me and told me there was no way I would be able to contact him, he will only call me when he felt like it. This angered me, made me so depressed as I had just had a bayby and made me sleep deprived which affected my kids as I wasn’t able to be there for them I was so tired. My husband returned to london on 22nd may, he did not come home, he didn’t even tell us he was back. He never answered my calls and one day he came to get his car stayed and left. and brother got so fed up of my husbands behaviour so he started trying to find him, he found him parked outside a house about 1 mile from our london house, he stayed in the car all night, my husband came out with a woman. My brother had a fist fight with my husband, police were called, there’s an ongoing court case. Later that night my brother said you bought him that Mercedes and he’s using it to impress other women let’s take it back, we took it back as I had the other set of keys. In it we found the other woman’s name, Mrs… she was also married. We googled her and yes she was married with 3 kids. So my husband was having an affair with s married woman with 3 kids who is 35 years old and has no education. So she is older than me, she had no business and no education. Also, I know I am not miss universe but she is uglier than me. Anyway, after finding this out, my brother decided to change the locks of our london house, so I did. After I changed the locks my husband decided to contact his cousin who also lives in london, as he had nowhere else to go. His cousins wife contacted me, after he fed them the wrong story to hear my side of the story, I told them and they believed me, he told them that the girl was his patient, and she was a suicide case he was helping her. (Remember he’s not a doctor, he’s just told that to everyone, he’s a kitchen assistant), so his cousin then called around mutual friends to see if anyone knew what my husband was up to and he found out that my husband also has another wife in his country with another child. Who was born in 2014, a year after my son was born. Now this is illegal, but because the other wife is in a different country it is not enforceable in the uk. I was even more depressed. My son was born with so many problems and my husband was sleeping around so he had gotten some air hostess pregnant and had to marry her. Who also is older than me. She is 40 and is very bad looking. So he has a wife and child in pakistan and a mistress in london who is also married with 3 kids and also has a Pizza Hut delivery guy as a boyfriend and has my husband too. My husband is currently unteachable. The phone number I have is always switched off. It’s been 4 months and he is with his london mistress. She has told my husband she won’t be divorcing her husband. My husband still hasn’t filed for divorce and my lawyers advise me to wait for him to do it. But it’s been 4 months and he hasn’t. I have also found out from his real place of work that he hasn’t worked there for 6 months, so when the baby was born he was unemployed but still never stayed to help me with the kids. What kind of person does this?

    My question is we had everything, why throw it all way for places where he knows is nothing, why have another wife without leaving me first, why did he come back after he married the other woman, why not leave then or leave after he had the child with her, why have another baby with me?? Why mess me up so badly, why not leave me first. Why have s mistress when I was pregnant with our second child. Why not be their for the kids while I was not well??? Also what kind of women marry a man who they know is married with a disabled child?? Knowing she is a second wife??? What kind of woman becomes a mistress knowing he is married and he knew she was married too with 3 kids. What kind of people ruin so many lives???

    So long I’m sorry. There so much more I could write but it’s so messed up I don’t understand any of what my husband has done to our little family!

    • Fallon

      Hi Aaisha, Your story is so moving. It’s terrible. He has absolutely no heart and soul and unfortunately in the case of the other women, if they knew about hour situation, like attracts like. He is not the man that you thought that you knew. Now that you know this, know in your heart that you didn’t do anything wrong or deserved this in any way. Because he probably feels like such a failure in life, he made so many poor self sabotaging choices and dug himself in deeper and deeper holes in the process. He ended up with a less attractive woman. Inside and out because again, he attracted someone who he felt was more on his level. You and the children are so above and beyond this man and his sociopathic behavior. I hope that your heart heals quickly and you are able to get pass this pain quickly for the sake of yourself and the children.

      • Aaisha Shafi

        Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I’m trying my hardest to the best for my kids but I have days I just can’t cope.

  • Laurie Post author

    Thank you for being here, and sharing how difficult it is to cope when your husband leaves you for someone else. It’s a betrayal and a heartbreak that isn’t easily overcome. But, you know what? You can and will overcome this.

    Allow yourself to experience feelings that you have. Your responses to your husband’s departure are normal and natural. You may wish that you could respond differently, and say and do things in different ways… But you have to allow yourself freedom and forgiveness. This is the first time you’ve experienced something this traumatic, so you are learning how to be, what to do, and what to say.

    Be gentle with yourself. Be kind, and take good care of yourself. Know that this is happening for a reason, and that everything will turn out fine in the end. In fact, things may turn out to be better you ever imagine.

    Blessings,

    Laurie

  • Fallon Wilson

    Hi ladies,
    Wanted to add.. watch as many episodes odf snapped just as a reminder to how far a man can take you and where you absolutely do not want to end up doing. Read women who love too much and how to build a second skin for your soul. Time is without question the best solution, the events that you held and pined about and dissected will eventually subside. Time to whittle down your inner circle to only those people who are empathetic and team you. You are fragile enough now. If I think of anymore pointers, I’ll add. Keep strong and carry on. Xo

  • Fallon Wilson

    Hello ladies,
    I stumbled somehow on this site looking for reasons why men leave good women for other women. I looked within myself recently and felt some sort of relief by saying it was my karma for killing a butterfly in second grade and other nonsense. Just to have an answer!! Anything to justify why I had been dumped. This goes to show that until you release this pain and come to a closure within yourself, you will continue to confront these issues in the next relationships as well. The saying, everything is a lesson or a blessing.
    I met the absolute love of my life, got pregnant, had a beautiful baby boy born prematurely because of complications and I’m sure because of the stress I experienced throughout that entire time with my ex. He wanted me to have an abortion, dumped me, left me on the side of the road.. my heart bled. He left for this woman that I put in my head was better than me, why else would he desert me like that. I had zero self esteem. To not make this into a novel, our son died. He wasn’t there to comfort me at all. Spent the night of our son’s death with his new woman while my breast leaked milk. Devastating beyond belief. His family forced him to attend the funeral. Longer story shorter, forward two years later, my ex overdosed and died. It still left so many open wounds because I never was able to get closure within myself as to why he treated me that way and more importantly, why did I allow it. I wanted him and loved him more than anything. That feeling was so powerful and I don’t wish that upon anyone. My grief is ongoing but was able to meet a new man with similar behavior.. until it’s put to bed, it’ll re occur. What I can give you ladies in terms of hope is that YOU WILL live to see karma. It may come in the form of what you will see or hear happens to him and her, (even though you do not wish his upon them) or you will see good karma come into your own lives if you let it. Good karma for yourself by not seeking revenge but by being a lady with your head held high. They are beneath you and don’t deserve your tears. Release the pain through them for now but your good karma will come in the form of peace of mind. There is absolutely no better feeling. Bless you all!

    • Sasha

      THAnkyou for sharing….I’m six months down the road. My ex has literally rubbed mine and our child’s nose through his disgusting life. as hard as I might I’d say I managed to stay calm 90% of the time. 2 weeks after splitting he asked our daughter to meet her, seven weeks later he moved in with her ( love story of the century), happy to blame me for the apparent shit relationship we had of 22 years. He’s taken her to our holiday home, weekends away,I’m sure we all know the score…..I went no contact pretty soon after the split,difficult when you have to talk regarding your child. He’s stalked me, asked many friends about me, came to the house demanding that I not see any men or bring them in the house ( I told him not to judge me by his standards), tried to manipulate our child by putting pressure on her to meet the OW, manipulated a situation where the OW turned up whilst he took our daughter on holiday abroad….. Any respect or love I had for this man went a long time ago. I pity him and his life, but during the last six months I’ve returned to employment, brought a new car,connected with old and new friends and day by day life gets that bit better. Just recently he seems to have done a complete u turn. When I handed him the car back he brought for me before the split, the look on his face was worth the wait. The man who constantly told me I had to pay him for the use of it,decided I could keep driving it, …well he was too late, so now he’s lumbered with a car he has to pay for. When I discussed the mortgage and said I needed to let the mortgage company know, he begged me not to….I felt quite sorry for him actually. He even tried to hug me,which was uncomfortable to say the least….and I still see karma working. Only the other day he to,d our daughter he still loved me and always would as I was the mother of his child. When she asked if he loved the new woman he said she was alright…..when he picks our daughter up he always tries to converse or grab a peak. Is he happy, he’ll no….am I happy- day by day I laugh more, smile more….cheaters deserve every crappy thing they get coming to them…ladies, don’t waste time worrying , I see a shell of a man who has lost many friends along this journey, who is stuck in a relationship where both thought nothing of cheating.id say the karma bus is riding over them daily……ladies and gents…never go back to the chest. They had you once,and didn’t realise just how good they had it.

      • Fallon Wilson

        Hi,
        Of course hindsight is 20/20. In the moment one becomes blinded by rage, pain, hurt, low self worth and endless questions. Woulda coulda shoulda. Obsessions to their so called new perfect romance. It’s all a facade that years down the line you do finally see clearly. That’s the hard part, it takes time. If only you tell yourself daily or remind yourself when you were betrayed in the past, how now you don’t even remember the details and that story and the persons involved are the least of your worries and the last person to partake in any of your thoughts hopes and dreams. That day will come!! These people will live to see and understand the grave mistakes that they have made and evidently the person that they lost will never return. Even if you do return by some fate, it’ll never be the same and you will find strength in knowing that he will never control your heart again. He will begin to make your skin crawl. You will loose all respect for that POS. You will see her little more than a piece of trash that “took” this man away from you but is he even a man? He isn’t. She is a POC and her self esteem believe or not is even lower than what you think yours is. You know why? Because she is a beggar and beggars can’t be choosers. If she could choose, wouldn’t she choose an upstanding single man or stay with her husband and have a moral caliber worth something? Think about it. These people are garbage. Your life will again have smiles and laughs and love. Not a facade. Hang in there. Xo

      • Colleen

        I am struggling right now. my husband left me 3 weeks ago and told me and our 2 kids that he has a girlfriend that he met in August but did not start going out with her until he moved out. The day he told my kids about her (ages 5 and 12) he said he wants them to meet her. My daughter (age 12) refuses and said if she is around she will not be and he has to make a choice. she has always been a daddies girl but i’m certain he is going to ruin that. I have been with him for 21 years married for 7. i was a teenager and i am devastated. I do not know how to go on. The thought of him with another woman makes me sick to my stomach every minute of everyday.

        • SAsha

          Hi Colleen,your story is identical to mine,and yes I went through so many emotions but the one thing I knew was I would NEVER forgive him for the way he treated our 12 year old. She was a daddy’s girl too. Two weeks after the split he wanted to introduce his trollop,five weeks later he took her to our holiday home, and several weeks later moved in with her. The pain of watching my daughter so upset,made me turn into warrior mom! I went NC almost immediately,wouldn’t engage in any kind of conversation with him unless it was about our daughter. And then something happened….I grew balls! I found a job, started connecting with other people, made more time for our daughter…quality time. I made sure that every time I left I the house I looked the best I possibly could. He on the other hand was asking everyone and anyone about me,asking about me, turning up at the house for silly things, following me in the car……I just totally ignored the behaviour. And god I can see the madness in him. He looks like sh**t, has put on more weight,and has started moaning about the OW….(people are only too happy to tell me). Now during the last seven months he has moaned about money, told me I had to pay for the car he got me…..my answer was to buy my own and hand him the other back…his face was a picture,and I’m not ashamed to say it gave me great satisfaction. So he’s having to pay half the mortgage,pay for two cars,give trollop money to live with her…..I see karma working every day. Only last week he told our daughter he still loved me cause I’m mom,and when she asked about if he loved the OW,he said she was alright! I think of him less and less,and after 20 something years together,I’d say I’m on the right track. We never argued but did get in a rut. What I’ve learned is I’m a strong woman who realises her worth,and I will never go back. I also know that I should have paid more attention, but hey,I can use that for the next relationship. I don’t wish him malice but then again I don’t care what happens to him. All I do know is I see the regret,this man who recently tried to hug me (uncomfortable or what),is desperate to have even a little part of me in his life…well that isn’t happening any time soon. Stick with filling your time Colleen…don’t ruminate,that sh**t just stops you from moving on…and enjoy your kids,because they are the ones that will keep you sane! Good luck Hun. X

  • Jane K

    My husband travels for work, he takes his Viagra with him. He tells me that his medicine is not my business. Sometimes he doesn’t answer my calls for hours and its always that his phone is shut down or the battery is low. He taunts me too, like when I peek at his phone, the phone history is up and waiting for me to see that he deleted my missed calls. He told me that I would never catch him because he is smarter than me. The last straw was when he came home and insisted on doing his own laundry, the first time in 12 years. His father ran around all the time and I know that history repeats itself but he always assured me that he felt sorry for his mother and would never do that. I realized that I know nothing about him other than what he tells me. He could be with underage girls or young boys for all I know. Its so hard on me right now because I feel so scared and alone. i also feel hollow and stupid for letting this go on for so long, and embarrassed to face people, to tell them that he is gone. I wish that I never married this POS and fell for the story that he gave me.

  • DASmith

    I understand how painful it is to live in a marriage with a partner who chests and lies. Over several years, my ex husband cheated many times with different women. There was always the underlying feeling that he was with me only until he could find someone better. I was never enough. We had two children together, and my daughter from my first marriage. We dated for 9 years, while I raised my daughter. After about 8 years together, I broke off from the relationship and moved away. I got grant money to go back to school, found work. I kept my own place and have always been strong independently. I think he liked me better that way, than when I had to depend on him in our marriage. He drove 5 hours almost every other weekend to be with me, and eventually proposed. At first I hesitated, and said we need to talk. He talked me into moving back home, and wanted to live together. After we talked, our understandings seemed mutual. We became pregnant with our now 27 year old daughter, and got married. We had our son 2 years later. I didn’t go back to school full time like I had planned. After a total of 25 years together, he finally met someone, and left me. There were a lot of lies & cheating over the 16 years we were married. I wasn’t sure if I could trust him anymore. I was angry a lot, and hurt. Raising 3 children, holding down a busy career and keeping everything going by myself at home felt like a three ring circus. His announcement that he “met someone he wanted to pursue a relationship with” came two weeks before Christmas. He moved out that weekend. I found out later how much pornogrophy he was watching. No wonder I was never enough, I was compared with and expected to live up to what he was watching.. I discovered a while box of videos!
    He used to tell he wanted me to earn more money. I was only bringing in about $40k a year because I chose to work part time so I could take care of our children. They were active in various Sports that kept me running! My husband at that time made $120k a year. But he still thought I should be making more… Maybe if I’d have finished my education!! As our marriage ended he told me that he did the “honorable” thing when he married me… My response was, Huh? You know, he married me because I was pregnant! He did his honorable thing, he wanted out now! I reminded him we were together more than 8 years, and were already engaged and living together when we conceived her. He got angry and yelled a lot arguing my point, and then walked out as usual. We met through common friends when I was about 17. We got together in Spring of 1982, and divorced in 2010… I grew in this relationship from my 20’s to my mid 50’s. I am now 61, and still single. I grieved whole heartedly, thought I forgave him and accepted her. Yet I still don’t know if I will be able to have trust in an intimate relationship again.

    • Meg

      Sometimes it’s best to remain single considering how selfish these men are. As for your ex his expectations are too high for a women and eventually he will get bored as the years go by. The honeymoon period will soon be over and the reality will kick in. Takes affair couple many years to reach to that point. The best revenge is to just move on and focus on yourself. Go to gym and engage in activities that you enjoy. Focus on your children’s lives and take this time to grow close to them. Being 61 is not that old. I have seen many of my professors from university who are hitting their 70’s (they just love teaching hence the reason why they never retired) and they don’t even look in their 60’s! Life moves on and remember your ex lost the moon while counting the stars. Best wishes!

  • Judy

    My husband of 32 years left me. He stated that he checked out of the marriage then happened to find the other woman. I have been with my husband since I was 15 yrs old….I am now 51 yrs old. We have 2 great kids and 3 beautiful grandkids. He just stopped calling and texting me and the kids during the day as he normally did….became distant….would pick fights with me so he could leave….alot of lies until I found a card from the mistress. My kids are hurt And told their dad that there was a way to end the marriage and it was not with a mistress….then to move in with her. My life is upside down…..So sad and mad…hard to function.

    • Rosanna

      Hello Judy,

      so sorry to hear this. I can feel with you! There is so much unbearable pain. I am going through the same! My husband left me after 21 years of marriage for another woman half my age. Please be strong. I know it is so hard and makes one so angry. It doesn’t matter how we are…we may be perfect, beautiful, loving or just a nagging wife, if they want to cheat it is because they have a problem inside! It is them NOT you! A man who leaves his family is actually betraying himself. He who cheats shows how week and insecure they really are with themselves.

      Please keep strong!

    • Kristin

      I am dying inside. I am in the same sinking boat as you. I ran away and eloped with my husband when I was 17. We are less than 2 months from our 33 anniversary. This past Thursday, 15 minutes before we headed to our youngest daughter’s Freshman dorm to kiss her goodbye, My husband told me he wanted a divorce. The first day I was in shock and didn’t say anything. The next two days I cried, begged, and pleaded with him to try counseling. That is when he told me there was zero chance of working it out, he had been having an affair with a married woman he met while doing business in the Philippines. She’s 12 years younger and he is “in love”. I am literally phychotic with hurt and betrayal, I can not eat, sleep or maintain a coherent thought. I don’t even know who I’m married to. I also found that he has funneled at least $600,000 of our money into a company he started in the Philippines, has a secret bank account and credit cards that he uses to buy her lavish gifts and take her to resorts. He has absolutely no interest in trying to make our marriage work and I feel completely pathetic because even after he confessed to his affair, I asked him if we could still try and work it out. We decided to wait until after the holidays to tell our 18 and 22 year old daughters. We have always been extremely close to our children and know it is going to be completely devastating to them. As much as I want to scream and tell them what a loser their Dad is, I know it would only hurt them more so every time they call, I wipe away my tears and pretend everything is fine. He keeps promising that he will be a “stand up guy” and leave me financially independent so I don’t have to go back to work. For awhile at least. He has proven he can not be trusted but I’m afraid if I bring lawyers into it, he will get very vindictive. At this point my future looks like its not worth living.

      • Tamara

        I’m so sorry to hear your story mine is much like yours. I have been married 27 years and with my husband for 28 years.This October marks one year since he came home and out of the blue told me that he loved me but not the way a husband should love his wife. Can I just say that I didn’t see that coming at all. One month later he admitted to calling his ex girlfriend from when he was 15 just to tell her he was sorry for breaking her heart and he wants to see her cause he still has feelings for her. He has been living with her since February of this year . I feel like a piece of toilet paper that he wiped his axx with. He went from calling me multiple times a day and confessing his undying love to me to treating me like a stranger. Did I mention we have five children ages 24 to 16 and how my heart breaks for them every time one of the states how he cares more about his current girlfriend and her family than them. I wish that I was rid of my heartbreak but the wound is just as fresh today as it was last year. Life keeps moving forward but I hide my pain and smile. I have always been a strong woman but I never thought that I would be this person that I am. I really loved and was loyal to this man and he ruined our family. But we are trying to rebuild and redefine.

      • Meri S Preece

        Hi Kirstin,

        I am so sorry to hear about your situation. We are in the same sinking boat. My old husband also have relationship with a woman in Philiphines. Its half of his age, 30 years old and they met in a bar in Singapore while she worked here as a nightclub girl.

        I am in the midst of divorce now and with on going compulsary couselling from Court.

        Please PM me and we could share our story.

      • Marian

        Hi Kristin, it’s 2 am in the morning and I just read your message. My heart aches for you. My husband informed me early in June that he no longer wants to be married so I know what you are going through. We have been married almost 14 years. Somehow I was able to keep myself from crying and begging him to stay. He would offer no explanation as to why he no longer wants to be married. He quickly said there was no other woman which I have a hard time believing. None of it makes sense to me. He promptly filed for a divorce and has sent me numerous text messages trying to get me to sign the decree just the way his attorney wrote it up. I refuse to be a pushover and hired an attorney just to write up the divorce for me but not to represent me.

        For the first couple of months I felt sad and in disbelief but for the past couple of weeks my heart has been heavy and I can cry at the drop of a hat. I’m fortunate in that my family has been very supportive.

        I’ve read tons of articles on divorce and listened to just as many YouTube videos on how to cope. I decided to get more involved with other people. I joined an exercise group, started back to church and got involved with a women’s meeting with several women from this church. It has helped a lot as otherwise I would be a basket case staying home by myself. I recently joined a Divorce Care Group. I’ve only been once so far but it has helped to boost my spirit. I would recommend it to you if it’s possible.

        Everyone tells me that I will get through this and even be better off for it. I know I will but it’s still so hard at times and so hard to believe he can just walk away from our marriage. I had no clue that he was planning this. He would not talk about it at all saying he didn’t want to argue with me. I wasn’t being argumentative with him. I’ve went over and over in my mind what I should have done to maybe have prevented this but I know it’s to late. I also know if there were things I should have done I’m not accepting all the blame. One other thing that has helped me is writing down all the reasons why I will be better off, all his bad qualities. When I reread them it helps me to not be so sad about this.

        I’m not sure when the divorce will be final but I think it’s close.

        I will be praying that God lifts you up. If I was there I would give you a big hug. You sound like such a nice person and you certainly don’t deserve this kind of treatment. Even though I am also going through this, I feel sure you will come out strong and better off for this. I’m willing to get you will eventually meet someone else and even be happy you went through this.

        I hope to hear that you are not only surviving but you are also doing much better. God bless you.

      • Lynda

        Sweetie I feel your pain, it will never go away but u will get better at dealing with it. It may feel that the only way to get rid of the pain is to stop living. I too have been devastated by the one person who promised to be by myside forever. I am 9 months in after D day and have had 2 tear free days but the tears are silent now. I pray to the karma gods to give him and her what they deserve at least a taste of what emotional pain feels like. My kids are what keeps me going, so stay strong, stay focused and know that he is going to lose his girls cause what he has done is unforgivable. I want my husband back every day but could I live with him no knowing what he is capable of. On day at a time is what I told myself and my kids. You will always be the better person and just know that you have a lot of sisters right here with you.

  • Sarah

    I’ve been with my partner for 17 yrs since I was 14. We have two children together.
    Over the years his cheated on me, his currently cheating on me but this time it’s different, it’s not just sex (not that just sex makes it ok), I found out she’s over 10 years younger than him, just out of uni. His been taking her to spa retreats, hotel breaks, meals or constantly.
    Always taking pictures together, selfies…
    He even messages her when his laying in our bed!

    When his with her he won’t message or text me. He ignores all my messages.
    She knows about me and the kids but doesn’t seem to care… his promising her his going to marry to her and have kids with her, the latest message was about how his going to propose and his going to be big.

    It’s literally killing me inside! I can’t function properly.
    I keep thinking how he doesn’t do them things with me, the spa hotel was the hotel meant for us, never took me!
    He leaves our home to run to her who lives an hour away.
    I cry constantly, I get angry quickly. I feel like I’m on my own and I’ll never meet someone.
    I love him so much.
    He blames me for him cheating. He won’t tell the truth fully, gets angry at me and lies. But I see the messages.

    I know it’s over in my heart and I need to move on but I don’t know how.
    He comes home and spends time with me and the kids, kissing me, saying he loves me but it feels false and his just doing it for now to keep the peace.
    The other night he even called out her name twice whilst sleeping! Like he forgot it was me in the bed with him and he wanted her to cuddle him.

    How can I stop this feeling of hurt? And pain? Get my life back, feel like I have a life?
    I’m hating my job and I’m jeopardising it right now cos I can’t think straight…

    • Sakina

      This sounds horrible Sarah, and you surely, in fact nobody deserves to be so blatantly cheated on. As hard as it is you need to leave him. Now. Else if you keep hanging around there’s a good chance he will force you to leave, once he officially replaces you with the other female.

      Try to find a way out. If you can stay with friends or family, then that’s great. If not, try to look for a place of your own. Whatever it is, start safeguarding yourself and your poor soul from this man. You have to make it a priority to quit this relationship. It’s only the right thing to do in this case.

  • Lisa

    I really enjoy reading your information it was very Helpful. My story will sound familiar to you I was married and still am but going Thur a divorce for 32.5 years I caught him 10 years ago cheating and forgave him now ten years later here I am catching again cheating on me but this time he wants a divorce here I going Thur this I just want it over with and him out of our life’s. I have adult children who hate and are very hurt by their father choice of ending the marriage I have know this man all but five years of my life that 50 years I would never dream it would happen to me But I just want it over and to begin a new chapter with my family and maybe one day Love again 😊 thank you

  • Laurie Post author

    Thank you for being here, and for sharing your stories. I wish I had the right words to say, to give you comfort and hope. I just want you to know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers, and I’m really sorry that you had to experience this with your husband. Sometimes life and relationships just blindside us, leaving us shattered, helpless, and alone.

    Take heart. Don’t give up hope that your life can change and become brighter! Things may seem dim and dark now, but I believe you’re on the cusp of fresh new season in your life. Your life has changed dramatically – in some ways for the worse. But, in some ways, there may be new little sprouts of hope, faith, peace, and joy.

    “Look, I am doing a new thing!” God says. “Do you not perceive it?”

    How are you doing today?

  • Linda

    My husband of 38 yrs. left me. He lost his job in 2010 so we went to visit his mom out of state an 8 hour drive from our kids and grandkids and my family. We never left his mom got sick with lung cancer and I took care of her.
    Before she passed away she asked my husband and I if we would take care of her husband who had COPD.. of course we said yes.
    My mother inlaw passed Aug. 2014..my mother unexpectedly Jan. 2015. Father in-law Oct. 2015. Stepfather inlaw Feb. 2016. Stepbrother inlaw 2016.
    My husband was seeing another woman the whole time I was caring for his family.
    My heart is broken he left me in a house that I have been packing up for the last year because we were headed back to our kids and grandkids.
    Since I haven’t worked out of the home in over 20 yrs. I’m in way over my head. Now I have to figure out how to get my things moved back to Texas without any kind of monetary help from him.
    I’m 61 and having to depend on my kids. This is not how things were suppose to go.
    I just know this is a sadness so deep that I can hardly breathe.
    Thanks for listening.

    • rosanna

      Hello Linda,

      I pray that God will help you and that you will find peace in Him.I feel with you and I wish I could give you a big hug! I know what you are going through or at lesr how you feel. My husband left me after 20 years of marriage for another woman half my age! He left me with a huge debt and will not support me financially either. I will have to loose my house and try to start all over again. I have a beautiful son of 17 that is such a blessing. Please keep in mind that when our husbands leave us and feel the need to start their lives with another woman it is their internal problem. They are empty inside and have lost them selves. Running away will never resolve their problems. Please believe me it’s not you or me they are running away but from them selves. Please keep strong! Would love to keep in contact with you.

      God bless you!!
      Rosa

  • Paige

    My husband kicked me out of the house, jobless, 8 months pregnant and come to find out he’s been having an affair with a girl he met at his CrossFit class. It’s been only a little over a month and they’re already in a relationship! This is the worst emotional pain I’ve ever felt in my entire life, I’m due with our child next month. All I do is cry and pray.

  • Lucia

    It’s been four months since my husband of 8 years told me he doesn’t love me. He says he doesn’t see a future with me. My hear was torn into million pieces, but after I found out he was talking to another woan I felt worthless. I am grieven and it hurts. He left me. I never thought we were going to go through this. I am lost and I pray I can overcome this asap.

    • Charlotte

      Hi Lucia
      My situation sound similar to yours, we’ve been together 8years and I thought we were happy and had a future until one day he said he wants different things, he’s not happy, he’s got debt etc but something didn’t make sense. I thought we would live happily ever after until I then found a holiday booking he’d made a month earlier with another woman, I was devastated, my life was tipped upside down and I was scared.
      A few months have passed and I still am sad, I miss him but then recall what he’s done and get angry at myself.
      You will overcome this, look to the future, be with others who care for you and take time for yourself. Talk to people around you if it helps if you don’t feel like then sometimes company is enough. I find each day can get a tiny bit easier. I am a believer in things happening for a reason ( I’ve no idea what the reason is yet though)
      Keep positive and take each day at a time.

  • anonymous

    After 20ys my husband has left our son & I for another woman & her 3 kids. He hasn’t seen nor spoken to our son since he moved out. I hate feeling like a failure & seeing my sons face sad when he thinks of his dad.

  • Lisa Costa

    I’ve been married for 22 years…23 in July…and another 4 years not married…so like 27 years with this guy?! We have a 17 year old daughter….she is getting ready to graduate high school in a few days and go to prom and get ready for college. I’ve suspected his cheating with the owner of his company’s 29 year old married daughter who also works there…he is 52 and balding. When he started going to work early and taking a shower in the morning (he delivers propane, so he always showered at night) I knew something was up. I ignored it, hoping it would run it’s course, and that my daughter might not have to be affected by it. But, how much can you ignore? It came to a head last night when he pretty much announced that yes, he is having an affair and it’s been going on for a long time and he’s surprised I didn’t figure it out sooner. All this in front of my daughter. This is supposed to be happy time for her…graduating HS, prom, getting ready for college, and he ruined it all. We are both devastated. he still hasn’t left…I’m assuming he’s waiting for the girlfriend’s husband to vacate. she lives probably 90 minutes from where we are, so it should be interesting to see how how he handles stuff with my daughter. Right now, she said he is dead to her. I’m sure that will change. It scares me how angry I am at him. I really hate him. he’s blaming me for it all!!! How did I know he was unhappy??? I didn’t make him screw his boss’s daughter. Why didn’t he leave before all this happened? It would have been painful, but not like this. I am so hurt. I can’t eat or sleep or even drink too much water….I keep puking. I have a dr appt today to see if I can get some meds for the anxiety. I know I have to be strong for my daughter, and I know eventually, it will be OK. I’ll find happiness again, and hopefully, he will be miserable for the rest of his left. That felt good to vent.

    • Shauna

      Hi Lisa, I feel your pain, when kids are involved it’s a hundred times harder. My ex of 22 years changed over night.the only saving grace for me was I was relieved when he went. How they behave is all about them. Don’t let him blame you, because it’s his choice, be there for your daughter,and look after YOU. It’s hard but I chose to block all phones, I only talk if it’s with regards to our 12 year old. It’s been over 3 months since we split,and every day I think of him less and less. My ex has stalked my FB via his sister ( she was quickly removed then blocked) moaned about money, came round to the house and begged me not to see anyone,constantly asks my friends husbands who I’m seeing, where I go out, blah blah blah….he’s pathetic, just like most cheating rats. I will never,ever hold the respect I once had for him, I’ve got a new job, new man, re invented myself,and have a brilliant close relationship with my daughter. I occasionally wobble,but I cannot understand anyone who would want to take a cheat back…..oh and he looks like shit! Karma hunny! Hugs xxx

      • anonymous

        It’s strange how part of me feels relieved that he’s gone even though I have moments of missing him. Hell it was only 20ys of my life. I miss a memory. The old him. When I think about him living w/his new girlfriend & her kids I hurt for our kid who’s being ignored. The other funny thing is he gets arrested for his behavior she bails him out & has no idea he called me the same day. I wish I could be a fly on the wall to hear how he tries to justify why he’s being charged w/violating a RO. Not to mention if he cheated on me w/her what makes her think he won’t do it to her?

    • Amy Laskowski

      i am sorry for what you are going through. The heartbreak and pain are indescribable. My story is similar together 23 married 21 years one daughter. On her 18 birthday she caught him sending inappropriate pictures on tinder. I asked him to leave next day told him to come back we’ll work on us. He refused and said he deleted account but didn’t so for 2 and half months he lied and betrayed me. He claimed he was working on self then gonna work on us. Would come over for 5-10 minutes throughout week and Sundays to go out to lunch to see daughter and I would hug him tell him I missed him he would say I know I just can’t come back yet. Then end May because he posted pictures with her someone told me about it I confronted him he still denied and finally next day told me he’s in new relationship. It has been hell going through this and he said he felt this way for over year half that he cares for me and loves me just not in that way. It’s funny though because 2 nights before she caught him on tinder we got in a fight and he told me regardless of his flaws he never thought about divorce. Now he claims that she has nothing to do with his decision to want a divorce and he’s in love with her. He claims that his decision was not influenced by her even though he was with her the whole time he decided this. I cannot believe he would throw away a family for someone with 4 arrest 5 judgments. She has no career, 2 different children one as young as 6 with 2 different men never married and the last child she had to file paternity suit because she had to prove who the father was. My family has been destroyed and my daughter will not talk about it because she gets so angry. I’ve tried to get her to counseling it she refuses and I worry because one day it will hit her the damage he’s done. He acts like he’s done nothing and I shoujd just accept it and move on. He doesn’t feel he destroyed a family that’s it’s just different.

  • Jessi

    My husband of almost 19 years and together for 20 years has left me for another woman. We have three teenage daughters together. I should’ve known better when he had the first affair when I was pregnant with our second daughter but I chalked it up as we were young when we got married and having two kids so young can be overwhelming. We actually became better after that. At least I thought. Then five years ago he started saying that he could do whatever he wants with whoever he wants so he started going out with a group of coworkers along with the OW. So the affair started with her in October and went through to April. I knew something was wrong but we were still intimate and we were trying new things and going out with friends but he was still with her too. He finally confessed to me he’s been having an affair. I told him he’s got to choose her or me that he couldn’t have us both and that he needs to stop talking to her. But he kept talking to her and then tries getting me to feel sorry for her that her dad had cancer. He would keep telling me over and over for years that he just can’t get over her. A year after I was told about the affair I was diagnosed with MS which turned my life upside down. He was supportive at times but was more worried about the money. He’s always been worried about the money. My health due to the stress of everything got so bad I was begging him to come home cause I couldn’t do it by myself and needed help but he said he couldn’t. Then he had me stay at a motel for a week when he was home so he could see what it wa like without me. Then he went back to traveling. He told me about the affair at the beginning of April. He says he just can’t do it any more. He says he can’t breath. He says it’s not me but him. My girls and I have moved into a townhouse with our dogs. He is at the house which is being sold as we speak. We signed papers to start the divorce procedures. He’s off doing his life but has stayed in contact with the kids and supportive of them, I’m sitting here thinking why was I not enough or good enough. Am I that bad of a wife or person that he just throws me away like a piece of trash. Everybody keeps saying it’ll get better but how do you deal with the pain that is killing me inside.

  • Shauna

    After 22 years together ( I never wanted to marry) we both decided to split..I’d known for afew years that I didn’t love him the way I should. I also know perhaps had we both tried harder,we may have been able to save the relationship. Even the night we decided and told our 12 year old he asked me if I was sure and if we should try again. I said no. Two weeks later he asks our daughter if she wants to meet his new GF. ( I actually think he was in a short overlap relationship, texting etc but have no proof, and don’t care tbh ) Five weeks after that he moves in with her. Tomorrow he’s taking her to our holiday apartment….to say I’m mad is an understatement. He’s someone I don’t know, don’t like and wish I could just walk away from. Difficult with a child! He’s got his sister to snoop my social media page, would ring up for silly things, asked if there was anyone else, then came round the house two days on the trot pleading with me not to see this man he thinks I’m seeing ( male fB friend comments ) and says he won’t pay maintenance unless our daughter can stay at his gf house…he has totally lost the plot. I will never go back,ever, but the anger I have towards him is scary! And I’m not sure why I’m so angry other than the hurt he has caused our daughter by telling her every little detail….if someone out there can give me the answer ( please don’t say just move on) I’d be grateful….. He’s the laughing stock of our village, which is sad in itself. I’ve had to block all phones, iat the moment I don’t contact him at all,unless it’s to do with our daughter…help cause I’m not sure why I feel like I’m going mad!

  • Anne

    After 30 years my bipolar husband left me for a Women 20 years younger than me! He is showing no emotions. It’s like he can move on without any regret,shame or concern for me or his adult children who live in our home. How on earth do I get through this. I’m scared.

    • Rita

      I hate to say it but time, and find yourself someone who cares for you. It worked for me. Dated a lot until I found someone I liked that liked me the same. Now I can’t even re bet my x husband of 16 years. Say good bye to people that hurt you and find a nice guy, there still some out there…

  • Alana andrews

    I was with my 1st husband for 10 yrs & 15 with my husband now. I have 3 girls 28, 25 & 23, he has a son 19 that we raised since he was 4yrs old, 2 grand girls 4yrs & 1yrs old. We rasied all under the same roof & they all graduated & went to college. We had some really hard growing pain with all the kids that destroy our relationship in the beginning. My husband worked more than he was home & he carried the financial burden in paying all the bills. While I was a housewife with a home daycare & taking care of the kids school needs, & all household necessities. I took care of the good care of my family to the point where I lost pieces of myself in the process of making them happy. I didn’t know who I was or what I like to do. I know my husband felt like he was carrying the world on his shoulders doing everything for the family. It was hard for both of us. Then my husband started cheating throughout this marriage & being very disrespectful.
    I’ve been thru DUI’S, sickness, dealth, forecloser thru thick & thin. I loved him unconditionally. I forgave him because I genuinely loved him & thought it would get better & it did. We went to marriage counseling because of his issues & he did change after 10yrs. He WAS FINALLY FAITHFUL & started putting this family 1st after he did all his dirt. I had some health issues & he catered to my every need cook, cleaned, washed clothes, took care of the kids & worked. Then our home went into foreclosure & we had too move. Two of the girls moved back home with their kids & our son was just graduating now he’s caring all the weight. We haven’t sept in the same bed in 5yrs things we back to the way it was but he just didn’t cheat. He felt like he lost himself. After we moved he started going to the gym, buying him clothes, taking mancation trips & “doing him” now he was no longer emotional attached to this marriage or family.
    This past yr has been the worst for both of us. I was excited about my new job but couldn’t show it. I thought now I can work out of the home & find myself. The kids was older & they drifted away, & it made me feel like I had no purpose so this was good for me. We were arguing more & yelling at each every day. He found out about my X in September now he wants a divorce, I’ve been call bit@#!, I’m contagious all mind of stuff. I didn’t know what to do any more it hurts me to see the fact that I hurt him. He will not forgive me he said He don’t have a forgiving heart like me & that was what I choose to do. After all the crap I put up with now I can’t bring up his past & it didn’t count. Smh!! He avoided me every day for about 4 months living under the same roof not even seeing each other at for weeks. The house is empty & quiet he works over nights & I work days.
    I feel trap being here the feeling of being REJECTED, UNLOVED, & I’m hurting so bad that death sounds good compared to the hurt I’m going thru alone. Yes I gave him his space–however be clear that I’m not okay with him dating anyone else during this time. He will not even look at me & now the always taking her out wearing everything I bought him from Head to toe even his underwear. Now he’s buying her things & taking her down town all public. I was so embarrassed one of my friends saw them together & didn’t even know what we was going thru. All of our family don’t all know they just saw us Xmas & the ones who do know he turned them against me like he was the faithful husband. Im just glad it wasn’t one of the kids is so disrespectful. Now he feels I betrayed him in this marriage he did out of his mouth that he has been faithful for 5yrs & not even worth saving because I’m not but paperwork to him & he don’t love me anymore. Now I’m left along to take care of myself, while still trying to be friendly to him in his situation just to keep down drama for the kids. I told him last week that was done, I’m not cooking for him nor will I be available. He is really upset with me now because I won’t sign the paper, cook for him or stay & help him pay the bills til the lease is up. I just want my husband back the way it was when we met. I told him nothing can destroy our relationship from the outside it’s from the inside out & we can get thru this. He says there’s no way in the world that we could ever be together again.  I can’t stand it. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand it. I loved and still love him so much. I wonder does he really love her?? Can he?? How can someone just move on with someone else like that? He doesn’t even seem to be concerned that i’m barely functioning.😢😢

  • Annette

    Let’s see I had dated my husband in high school for about two years before I had broken up with him he took it really hard. So 27 years latter we reconnected it feel like we never broke up. So we ended up getting married and I thought we were enjoying our lives together. Well on April 4, 2017 he was dressed for work and laying on the couch playing on his tablet. As he was putting his shoes on I can tell something was on his mind so I had ask him what was wrong and said this without looking me in the eyes. He said that he was not in love with me anymore and he is in love with his ex wife that verbally abused him. Almost three years of marriage then he went to work like nothing happen. So when he came home from work that night he got a few things and left to go be with her in Florida. He told me that he has been texting her she paid off our truck which I didn’t know until he left also I found out he change his mail address in Jan this year. I try calling and texting to get answers and he won’t respond to anything it’s like I am dead to him. I treated this man good he was the love of my life. I am so hurt by him. He even posted on his Facebook page that he is in a relationship with her and were still married.

    • Shauna

      Annette, I’m so sorry you have had to go through this. Delete his FB from your friends list then block. Don’t contact him, start with working on you. It’s hard cause even though I don’t want my ex back, im still angry….

    • pat

      My husband left me after 28 years he went of with a younger rich one he has come back a couple of times and like a fool I believe don’t him only to get hurt and humiliated again and again I’m still in bits and it has been 2 years I do still love him and will never move on what a sad woman I am

  • Juhi

    Thanks for the post. I ve been really depressed this past few months.. My husband of almost 3 years left me for another woman. We were engaged until he moved to Japan at August last year and than things started to get weird. He is 48 I am 19 and the OW is almost 60! He break up in November, telling me that he loved me but liked her and wasnt able to keep it going.
    I took a month to stop trying to contact him (he blocked me in EVERY SINGLE THING). In December she read my messages and they humiliated me.. he sent me to hell and told me that i am nothing to him and that he wants me to disappear… I am so so hurted…
    I love him so much he is one of my best friends. I told the OW to take care of him because he was a very nice person but she treated me poorly and said something like ”you cant compete with me”.
    I cant understand why he left me for her! I always did EVERYTHING to him, i am so glad i am not pregnnat or something like that. But it stills hurt.. I need him in my life, he is like a father figure to me.. I am still scared and depressed. I ve gained 5kg, and was trying to lost weight but now its everything ruined. I am so done.. he was everything i had, i.. i tried so much to be kind to him but.. Sorry i am really hurted..

    • Kim

      Hi all my name is Kim, just come across this site and really moved by the things I have read. My husband left in November, it would be our 30th wedding anniversary this year and I thought we were the unbreakable couple, until about three months before he left he turned into someone I didn’t know, he was nasty, cruel staying out late, drink driving, to be honest by the time he left it was a relief. But as with most men they don’t leave for nothing especially my husband who had a great life golfing and living like a single man, we don’t have children so no money worries. He is now with one of his old friends who has been with just about all our town and has the IQ of a brussell sprout, they have both been vehemently denying any romance for months until he came clean last week by text! on the very weekend he knew my best friend had been diagnosed with cancer. I hate him with a vengeance although wouldn’t have him back under any circumstances. The thing that’s has upset me the most apart from him seeming to forget anything that’s happened in the last 30 year (has abandoned my 82 year old mother who adored him and has been ill over it all) is the change of personality he has had, its like he has turned into a sociopath devoid of feeling, being as nasty as he possibly can over everything. You would think walking away from all you know for 30 years would be enough damage done especially now its official with the brussell sprout ,without being nasty and cruel. Is this a guilt thing? How can someone change so much?? It makes you lose faith in people. Hope you all go on to live happy lives and hope as my old mum says “god doesn’t pay his debts with money”. Km, England.

  • Catherine

    Husband of 38 years left me, also a chronic alcoholic, retired from job. He went to HS reunion and hooked up with thrice married ex girlfriend from early sixties. Divorced me,married her, she divorced him after three years, and now he has married nice woman he knew from elementary school! She, it seems is financially secure and they have been married for about 18 months. So, he divorced me in 2010 and married #3 in 2016! I am still trying to wrap my brain around all of this! Think a good shrink would have a field day with him! Also, he tried to make my life a living hell after he left me.

    • Angela

      My story belongs on the Jerry Springer show. It’s very embarrassing and hard to talk about.
      I’ve been with my husband for 20 years. He left me this past November. Well, he got busted actually. For many years I’ve been told that he may have had affairs. I just could never prove it. So, for many years I’ve turned my head. I started a new job last year and was very drawn to a co-worker. But, never acted on it because I loved my husband very much.
      One day our 15 year old daughter called me at work because she had found dirty text messages on her dad’s phone that wasn’t from or to her mother. This was the beginning of the end right here. This incident pushed me over the edge. And I began an affair with my also married co-worker. I moved out to sort out my feelings, but I never fully left my husband. He’d call crying begging me to come home. And I did. My affair lasted about 4 months.
      Going back home was like walking into a war zone. Our 20 year old son had moved in his 20 year old girlfriend with her 2 babies into our home. So home life became hectic. Never a chance for me & my husband. We both began drinking. Something we had never done before. And one day I decided to check his messenger.
      And there it was. Him and our son’s girlfriend chatting back and forth. My son had tried breaking up with her and telling her to leave and I was so blinded that I didn’t even see this going on under my nose in our Home! She wouldn’t leave and now I know why.
      My husband also just turned 40. A couple of days before he left I noticed him wearing an earring. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings when I noticed it. So I said nothing.
      He left on November 3rd and has been with this 20 yr old girl ever since. But, because of my own guilt and affair I turned my head. And thought well he just needs some time like I did. But, I lived in my apartment alone. My husband and this girl have not left each other’s side since he left. They moved in with one of his co-workers in his basement.
      I told him my boundary was him finding them a place. And what has he done? Found them a house to rent. He came and took our daughter with no discussion. She’s free to do as she pleases. And nothing I can do because we are legally married. Another kicker is he don’t want a divorce. Says it’s a waste of time and money. Yet refuses to fix us, blames me for everything, won’t pay our bills. He says I’m on my own.
      Not to mention the betrayal to our son. My husband thinks because they were broken up he is doing nothing wrong! My son had tried to forgive, but they end up fighting.
      I feel like at first this was my punishment for what I had done. But he’s taken this to another level! I am seeing a counselor to talk to. She don’t know what to think. His behavior is so erratic that she don’t know if it’s mid-life crisis or if something in his own mind has snapped.
      And my husband really don’t want a divorce. That’s the kick in the gut for me. And not to mention their “relationship” is plastered all over FB. He even has support from my family members!
      Him and this girl are telling each other they love each other. Which my counselor says is hog wash! That he don’t love her he’s just using her for an ego boost.
      I have filed for divorce and temporary relief. He’s left me in a mess with bills and he knows it.
      I can’t help but wonder if he’ll snap out of it once it hits his paycheck. I’ve told him you can’t live two lives. You can’t have a wife and girlfriend. Life don’t work that way. I have my good days and bad days. I lived my life for this man and our family. I can’t fully let it all go. My husband isn’t himself. He looks horrible. Like life has been sucked right out of him. But he refuses to leave this little girl. But, I’m pressing forward. As hard as it is. I have no choice. But, I’m lost and live in my own regret and shame everyday. If I hadn’t looked at his messenger that day. I never would’ve known. I’m blaming myself for all of it. And it’s embarrassing to even tell..

  • used and abused

    hi its not the affair or the leaving that hurts but the vile behaviour that he has shown towards me bullying shouting being vile name calling lying even when outed. Yet i have been honest and never shouted argued all i want is for him to sort out the last bits and go. I know that I will never get an apology but what i want is the last of the stuff sorted out and him gone for my friends to perhaps understand that i dont want to know what he does or where he is or that they have seen pictures of them together. is that to much to ask or even expect from a man with no shame yes but my friends no

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Sara,

    I’m sorry for your loss, for your children’s loss, and for your husband’s choice. It’s painful and sad when a family breaks up – and when kids lose their fathers for no good reason. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

    One of my family members is experiencing a painful divorce, and their children are suffering greatly. I have a lot of thoughts on telling your kids about the separation and divorce, so I wrote this article:

    How to Help Your Children Through a Painful Divorce
    https://howloveblossoms.com/helping-children-cope-getting-a-divorce-advice/

    Read it, let me know if anything seems helpful to you. And as I told Heartbroken: acceptance really is the best way to cope when your husband leaves you for another woman. Surrender and let him go. Grieve and heal, so you can get healthy and strong…and so your heart opens up to love again.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Heartbroken,

    The best way to cope when your husband leaves you for another woman is as simple – and as difficult – as acceptance.

    Surrender to your husband’s decision. Accept that he is focusing on this other woman, and he has chosen to leave you behind. Allow yourself to grieve your new reality, and start looking forward.

    I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I wish it wasn’t happening to you. But the fact is that the more you struggle and fight and rail against your life as it is, the worse you will feel.

    What would it feel like to simply accept that your husband has left you, and let go of everything you wished your marriage could be?

  • Sara

    About 6 weeks ago my husband, whom I’ve been with for 23 years, told me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. That he’s unhappy with me and his job. He’s leaving me and our children and leaving his job and considering moving from our home in Canada to look for work in the USA.

    A few days later it came out that he met another women online and he’s going to be with her in Ohio.

    I’m working hard to accept that our marriage was not in a good place. I’ve not been happy for years myself. What angered me is that we didn’t try and work things out, and now it’s too late.

    What’s bothering me most right now is that he’s leaving the children. He’s ok with only seeing them once a month and a couple of weeks a year. That I’m going to be a full time single parent. This angers me. I know people who are divorced but have 50/50 custody. I told him that is what I’d want when he asked me what I wanted. But he’s not interested in staying around here.
    The children only know that we are separating and we will be selling the house and staying in the same schools. I don’t know how they will react to him actually leaving the country. He’s such a optimist that he thinks it will be great! Yet he’s not even around now to help them get through the hurt of our separation.

    Have you got any advice on how to help the children through this once he’s actually gone?
    Thanks,
    Sara

    • Sal

      Sara,

      I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult and emotionally challenging part of your life. To be left like you describe is the utmost hurt when you still have feelings. leaving the kids to is so distasteful on his part.

      I am 61. Let me tell you this. My feeling is you are left to raise your kids on your own.. I know the fear and anger you are feeling. I went through this too. You didn’t mention your kids’ ages. This is how I would proceed. Spend as much time as you can with your children. Rear them the very best you can. Be sure they know you love them. Be positive. Encourage them. Do your best to hide your anguish and now focus on what how you can become a fantastic mom and show your children the courage you have. They will highly respect you. It is tough raising children on your own, but the reward is they will soon be adults and if you are able to create a close bond all together with them, you will have your children for the rest of your life! They will come to help you as you grow older and you will be so thankful you had them! I have girlfriends who had a heck of a time raising rebellious kids that I thought nothing would ever become of them. To my surprise, they grew up to be very successful and adore their mothers. For the men, that is their lose. Sure, the kids will suffer from the husband’s selfishness, but they will prosper. Feeling pain and hurt in one form or another is not something we can totally avoid in this life. Give it your best. You will feel very good about yourself later and promise you that you will care less about the scrondrel ex. His days of suffering lies ahead. You’ll have your kids – he’ll have nothing. Think about it and do your best.

  • Heartbroken

    I am having a very hard time dealing with my husband that left me. Everyone tells me it gets better but I really don’t see any way it can.

    My husband started his own business 4 years ago. I supported him and cut back on everything from our very comfortable lifestyle that we had always had. I took care of the kids and kept our home nice. He has always been a hard worker, or so I thought. He would always work late hours even though for the past 15 years, I begged for him to be home to have dinner with me and the kids. He was always too busy. I always felt that I was not a priority and told him on many occasions throughout our marriage. This past year has been the hardest year ever. He stopped paying on our house that we built and we lost it, had to move out of the area (away from all my friends) and moved back to my hometown where I grew up.

    He was always traveling for his job, but when we moved here, he traveled much more. He would leave on Sunday nights and would tell me that he is tired and would come home on a Saturday morning flight. I always tracked his phone and he was where he said he was so i wasn’t worried about him cheating. I always tracked bc he was depressed and didn’t sleep and I would be afraid of him falling asleep while driving.

    On Halloween, he told me that he wasn’t happy and I would be better off without him. We had just celebrated our 15 year anniversary which he wasn’t home for. That night, he told me that he loved his job more then his family. I asked him if he wanted to work on our relationship or just get a divorce. He cried and said he didn’t know. He had to leave on another trip and when he came back 4 days later, we talked about counseling and working to communicate better.

    He had to leave on a trip again the next day, and that’s when I got a facebook message from some woman with pictures of her and my husband. She forwarded me all the text messages and emails between them telling me he said he was divorced. She now knows that he is married but they are still together. My husband left me for her after she called me and told me everything.

    After doing a little investigating, I have since learned that she is actually a prostitute that my husband hired over 12 times and now he thinks he is in love with her. He had been taking her all over the country on his business trips. Meanwhile, I always asked if he would take me on trips so we could have mini vacations. He always told me he didn’t have time. He has also opened over 5 credit cards in my name and maxed them out paying for things for her – all the while, I have been living on a very small income and not doing things with my kids bc we “didn’t have the money”.

    He is still taking her all over the place and showering her with gifts. He doesn’t talk to me and once in a blue moon calls the kids, but blames me for not allowing him to talk to them. But the irony of it all is that the whore has 4 kids of her own and he talks and texts them everyday. He never had time for us in all the years we were together.

    It is so hurtful and I am so heartbroken. I loved him even though he wasn’t perfect. No one is. I did everything for him. He just told me the other day that he really believes that I never loved him. He tries to tell me I forced him to cheat because I was not a good wife. That is so far from the truth. He told this woman that I abused my kids and he was going to kidnap them and take them away from me. He also said that I was a mean and hateful ugly person. How does someone talk so bad about someone they have been with for almost 20 years? I cry all the time. I can’t really function because all I do is think about what they are doing together. I don’t really eat, I don’t sleep and I am just numb. I feel like there is a huge weight on my heart. I think I would be happier if he was miserable, but the fact that he keeps telling me this prostitute is the love of his life, it’s like a knife stabbing me over and over.

    I keep waiting everyday for him to call or text or email me telling me he made a terrible mistake and that he wants to come home, but I know that will never happen. How do you just walk away from your family that loved you so much? I don’t think I will ever understand. I just don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. My friends are supportive but all of them tell me to snap out of it. I can’t make my heart catch up to my brain. How do you deal?

    • Donna

      Oh Heartbroken, time is what it is going to take for all of us to heal. I am 5 months into this and I can tell you that I am much better today than I was than the first 2 weeks. It was all I could do to hold liquids down initially. Sometimes it is good to look in the rear view mirror, to see where we were and think about where we are going in our personal journey. Please take care of yourself first, and everything else will follow. If you have to set the alarm earlier for me time, do it, or have me time when your children are in bed.
      My husband tossed me aside like a grocery bag, not even worth a second chance or any effort. This speaks volumes about him, not me, which I tell myself again and again. Right now, if my husband did beg for my forgiveness, I hope that I could grant it so that it would help me move forward.
      I read blogs like this and others to help me cope. I also read about narcissists, which I believe my husband is, but had no signs prior to this.
      I started working out to boost my confidence, and to help me sleep. Also I hope that a strong body will give me a stronger mind. If you like tea, try sleepy time tea at night. The last thing I do every night is say “Let go, let God”
      Please believe that you are going to get through, around and over this, because we will.

    • Ariana

      My story is similar, but our departure started in feb and we were never married but together for 9 years. We have 2 sons and he helped raise my eldest from my first marriage. Definately, difficult. So now that a few month have passed by for you, how are you now?is he still blaming you? Is there any remorse from him?

    • Angie B

      That’s heartbreaking to read. It amazes me how they manage to just shut out every part of their life up until they leave. Similar story, 24 years, coming up for a year and I can’t really function. I have no place, don’t belong anywhere if that makes sense . I used to be driven, now I just exisit.
      Hope u are moving forward, at least by a little.
      The slapper will probably end up ditching him for something better, fingers crossed!

  • Donna

    We have been married just 3 months shy of 35 years. Moved across the country for his new Operations and Sales manager job. After 4 months, I started working there too and just loved my job! The twice married 33 year old receptionist really struggles doing the job and was ready to fire her, because she was not capable of doing all of the duties correctly. He moved her into a sales position, where they now openly flirt with one another. After 4 months of constant training I ask him if she is capable of this position. He assures me she is doing great and still needs help closing a sale. August 2nd he comes home from work and tells me I have never been happy in our marriage, just matter of fact. I disagree, he asks me where I have been happy, I start naming places we have visited and state that a bad day here and there does not equal a bad marriage. We do everything together and have the same common interests. He goes on saying that he sees how I light up when we visited our sons, it has been a year since we’ve seen them! Beginning of July we had a realtor showing us a home to purchase and spent weekends shopping for furniture! Sadly I did not take the bait, so now he tells me he feels nothing for me, nothing and to get a boyfriend, he does not care! I can honestly tell you I felt as though I had asthma, I could barely catch my next breath from crying/ sobbing so hard. I fall asleep and at 3 am I think of his cells phones, I demand he unlock them, he does and I find all of the texts and emails stating they love each other, are soul mates, the hotels they are going to and body parts!15 of the texts was on a Saturday where we had all been working together preparing for the end of the month. I kick him out, he moves in with her, I ask with her husband? He says he left the 2nd week in July. Fast forward to Dec. They moved into our apartment that we shared right after I left that I just found out about. He didn’t even help me move! Her 2nd divorce was finalized 3 weeks ago and he is more than ready to dissolve ours. I have moved back to the east coast and am currently living with our youngest son and his wife trying to pick the pieces of my life back together. I struggle with the deception from both of them as I feel they set me up. This is most horrifying situation of my life. My sons, family, dear friends and my faith have kept me going with a glimmer of hope that my life will get better than it is right now.

  • Alison Mann

    I have been with my partner for almost 7 years. After having two husbands who used to beat me, he was the kindest, sweetest man I’d ever met. The only problem we had was his adult daughters. Despite my doing everything possible to get along, they hated me and made my life hell with their jealousy and vindictiveness. We survived this though and were really happy.
    At the beginning of this year he started to pull away. Due to my severe abandonment issues from childhood, I became very clingy and needy and it made him even worse. He became very depressed as he has severe work stress and also his ex wife decided to take him to court for yet more money. He cut off intimacy in April and on holiday in Switzerland in June, he told me that he’s been controlled all his life and never done anything for himself and wanted to start going places on his own and making his own decisions. He said he loved me, but the passion had gone. I immediately accused him of having an affair.
    He kept telling me all through the summer that we would be okay and just needed to heal. In November he said that he didn’t want us anymore. I went to pieces. I wanted answers and eventually he said that he was in love with one of his employees; a 32 year old Polish woman, who is 21 years younger. He then left and after an hour at the village pub, came home and said that none of it was true and he had said it to give me the reason I was seeking.
    He rented himself a 3 bed house and left me homeless. I’ve been staying with my son and have had to give up my job as tomorrow I’m moving 60 miles away to live with my daughter. He said that he needed to sort him himself out and that he was leaving the door open to the possibility of us getting back together. He said he needed to miss me.
    His children stayed with him at Christmas and posted a photo on facebook of them and there was another woman. I bombarded him with texts and phone calls, which he ignored. He eventually met up with me yesterday for coffee. He still wouldn’t say who this woman was. I spent the time accusing him and he said that he wants us to remain friends, meet up for days out etc and who knows what the future holds?
    I just can’t deal with it all. I can’t eat, sleep or handle anything. If he wasn’t going through what appears to be a breakdown, it would be easier, but it’s just destroying me being out in the cold.

  • TC

    My husband of 27 years just told me a week after my 49th birthday (October 14) that he loved me but not the way a man should love his wife. Then in November he told me that he was in love with his girlfriend of 30 years ago when he was 15 to 16 , we met when he was 17 and we got married when he turn 18. We have had a great marriage over the years. We have been through so many things four years of him being a marine which included Dessert Storm and time in Turkey. Then I supported him while he earn his education in political Science and then law school . We have five beautiful children ages 23 to 15. If you ask anyone in the family they are as shocked as I am of this recent epiphany of his. He has been a husband who has adored me throughout our time together with the most beautiful words a man could say to a woman. Even two weeks before he dropped the bomb on me he was dedicating live songs to me and telling me how he would love me forever. Now he is in love with his first girlfriend and they are planning their lives together. He tells me it’s not a choice because if he had to choose he would choose me but he feels that she is the missing piece of his puzzle. He wants a divorce because he can not live with her if we are not divorced because it’s wrong. He has already gone to see her and has broken our commitment if vows. I. Am heartbroken and just overwhelmed with the position he has left me in. It Sucks because I love him and I have to let go of all the things we where planning three months ago for our future our family our retirement and have to educate myself and get a job in my 50’s what a terrible thing to do to somebody who stood by you in good times and bad and all the other ups and downs and journeys that build a great marriage

  • Judith Anderson

    we have only been married a little over a year but have been together 14. shortly after we were married in August he met her in March, it continued all thru the spring, summer and fall and he left yesterday. He says he loves me but is not in love with me and wants to be with her. His behavior makes no sense and I have been by his side while he went thru his cancer treatments and he may need more. He acts like he hates me. I cannot even talk to him right now.

  • Lily Smith

    My story is rather different. My husband which i never lived with, lives in Germany. Our relationship of 4 years seems a lie now. We have always traveled to see eachother for all our relatiinship. He has meet my family and i met his. We were 1 legal step before me relocating me and my son from a previous marriage to germany where he is deployed. 1 week ago i found out he is seeing another women there. He has no plans on leaving her and he is done with me. I felt betrayed because we have waited 4 years to be together. All along he lied and cheated on me. He blocked me form all point of contact and went on with his life. Like im some disposible person. The sad part is that he made my son believe that he would be his new dad. I realize God has sheild me from this man. If i would of left my life, job, family and went after him and then i find this out in Germany, i would of been stuck for real. I know this is Gods will but it hurts. It hurts being blocked from a person u had contact every single day for 4 years. Its barely my 9th day and all my dreams of living with him and our future of germany have been shattered

    • Tai

      I just came across your story and hopefully you are doing better. Yes , you are correct. God allowed you to see the REAL him before you made a major move to uproot you and your son. Yes, it’s painful what you’re going through but he is a coward. Straight up! The very least he could’ve done was talk to you like a man to give you closure, not throw a rock and hide his hand like a five-year-old. You really dodged a bullwt. He sounds unstable. It will take time but you will get over this. My advise to you is to seek God and wait on His guidance when selecting a mate next time. Ask God if this man is the one He has for you and He will show you but you have to be patient during the wait. Another thing, don’t sleep with them unless you’re married to them. This is how women end up bonded to them. Not to say they won’t leave a marriage but like I always say. If he will commit fornication with you, he’ll commit adultery on you because he doesn’t boundaries. If he respects you, he will respect your body and mind as well. If he doesn’t have a REAL relationship with God…..Run!!! There is a reason Gods laws are in place and it’s to protect us. Hopefully you have a relationship with God so you can be led by His Spirit. Acts 2:38 is His plan of salvation if you don’t know. Take care and God bless!

    • wilson jennifer

      I know exactly how you are feeling. I have been married for almost 19 years. My husband walked out on me 10 months ago and it has been the hardest time of my life. I had discovered his affair with a woman that is 15 years younger than him. When I questioned him he moved out saying he has not been happy for 3 years, which happened to be the same time we were going to have another baby. He was unexpected but a true blessing. We have a 17 year old and a 3 1/2 year old. We thought we were never going to be able to have another baby as I had 4 miscarriages. I feel he is going through a mid life crisis. He still denies the affair but she has been traveling with him and she is always with him. Even so much that she is now hanging out with my brother and sister n law. I feel betrayed by everyone. I continue to pray and hope my husband wakes up and realizes what he is giving up.

  • Laura

    My partner of close to ten years started an emotional affair about 6 months ago with a woman he works with who is 11 years younger than him. I found out and confronted him – he told me it was a terrible mistake and that I was the only one for him and he would do everything in his power to prove it to me. I decided to give our relationship another chance. We started seeing a couple’s councellor together and he had me, her and all of our mutual friends convinced that everything was fine. We even spoke about trying for a baby, chose the names, everything! Then i discovered recently that he is continuing his affair with this other woman and that it’s now at the stage where the 2 of them are discussing him leaving me, behind my back. I discovered this only 1 day after our most recent councelling session in which we discussed re-building trust in the relationship. So, I confronted him again and he admits he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore and he’s leaving to be with her. It’s just so incredibly confusing to be treated in this way. Did he keep me around while he moved on emotionally from our relationship to make it easier? Did he keep me around while he was making his mind up about what was best for him, or until he knew she was committed enough that he could jump into his next relationship? The betrayal is enormous. He knew how much I wanted to have a baby and now I am 33 and single and he willingly took an extra 6 months of my life with no intention of staying. He says he didn’t know how to tell me and didn’t want to hurt me but that’s just so cowardly and such an immature way to handle your feelings. I think in the long run it will be the best thing that’s happened to me as who wants to be with someone who can lie and cheat for so long in that way, all while we consciously discussed and tried to repair the damage from the original affair! I am devastated. I have moved out so have no home and I had to leave our dog with him too. All the while he moves onto the next girl to live happily ever after. It seems to unfair. I loved him so very much for such a very long time and to think he didn’t even have the respect to honour our very loving relationship with some respect is sickening. It makes me wonder if I have spent 10 years with someone who never loved me at all. He has shattered my self-esteem; he’s been watching me torture myself trying to hold the relationship together. What type of person can play with someone’s feelings so carelessly? I’ve wondered if he is a narcissist. I guess I don’t really know. I’m trying so hard to be positive and focus on myself, of course it’s near impossible. He dominates my thoughts every waking moment and then at night he’s in my dreams. Seems to cruel.

    • Maddie

      Your story seems very similar to mine. My husband left me for the chance of being with another woman who was also in a relationship and has a baby. She hasn’t left her partner yet but has said she wants to be with my husband. I’m working on accepting what has happened and moving on. How are you going now?

      • Laura

        Hi Maddie,

        I am trying to work on the same. I have good days and very very bad days but I suppose that’s normal and to be expected. It’s difficult to come to terms with the loss of your whole life as you knew it. Sometimes I battle to stop the obsessive thoughts and remain positive; I’m doing my best. Everyone says it will get easier and I’m sure they’re right. How are you?

    • rachel

      Your husband sounds like a classic covert toxic narcissistic personality disorder. They lack empathy. It doesn’t exist only their fictitious foreself exist. It is insatiable, lustful, cheating and never ending desire for narcissitic supply. I too have suffered at the evil hands of these sort of folk. He never had any intention of reconciling with you. They love to hurt empaths. They actually ate us. Look up narcissistic personality disorder on youtube

    • Brit

      You story is the same exact as mines as well. We managed to have a doctors appointment with the fertility doctor the same week I found out about her. She also thinks it is extremely funny and ok for her to be with my husband. I dont understand why anyone has to go through this at all. The range of emotions is daunting.

    • Olivia

      I am in the exact situation. Their emotional affair has been going on for months if not years. She’s 12 years younger than he is. He started a fight and told me he had depression so I moved out. I came home to find her things in our house 4 days after I left. I’m crushed and completely blind sided. He brought her to our bed. To make matters worse she has had sex with at least 2 of his friends. I don’t understand.

    • kate

      Your situation is very similar to mine, in the fact that my husband of 11 years left me back in July, for an older woman of 40, Czech lady, with lots of money. They are currently travelling the world together… He issued me with the divorce papers a few months later. We were 13 when we met, started a serious relationship. This is my first ever break-up at 35. So hard et painful, still 5months on… I to am consumed day et night with thoughts about him et her having fun. Only Christmas day, they posted their engagement on fb, so another slap in the face their. I hope in time these continuous thoughts will diminish et I will be able to forget him, move on be happy with someone else again in the future. Kate

      • Angela

        That is truly awful and I feel for you. He is a piece of work! It would be good if you could keep yourself surrounded by your friends. Mine have been a great support.
        He is very aggressive towards me and even his new woman has been messaging from his phone, as if he hadnt hurt me enough he gets the boot in. 6 days down the line and trying to stay sane, house has to be sold also. Worst thing is him acting like we never happened at all! Also his family have backed off including my stepson whom I was close to.
        Time for you to let a good man into your life, they aren’t all bad!
        Thanks for your kind words. Hope you get distance eventually x

    • Lorraine

      Laura I’m sorry that you’re going through this awful time in your life. I am also in the same position. A few things of what you have wrote are the same as my husbands actions. Cowardly actions! They don’t seem to have a back bone when it comes to leaving their wives, they find another woman to go to first before they can move on. My husband is 54 and he left me for a 25 year old who looks like she belongs on the Jeremy Kyle show! It’s just unbelievable. Not only do we have to deal with the fact that they have lied, cheated and seemed to have walked away without a care in the world but he has ended up living on a hell hole of a street which he wouldn’t have wanted to even walk down at one time. It causes us to be totally embarrassed and disgusted. But you know what? What goes around comes around and I believe in Karma do let them get on with it! We will become stronger with time and will have our lives back I track just as theirs are about to fall to pieces again. Upwards and onwards girl! X

  • Cheryl

    My husband announced after 15 years together he is leaving me for a 20 year old girl from work (he’s 37). It cam as such a bolt out of the blue, he never said he was unhappy, even after I first found out about it he told me he loved me and it was a mistake so I took him back only for 2 weeks later him to announce he was leaving for her….again!
    We have 2 boys together and i have 2 from my 1st marriage (also cheated on me!), and our oldest together is 14 selective mute and autistic, he can not cope with what is happening and it’s breaking my heart to see him suffer. His Dad doesn’t seem to care the hurt he has caused us all, he just cannot wait to run off with his ridiculously young mistress (our son is only 6 years younger!).
    I am so hurt and grieving for what I thought our marriage was, the future I thought we had together and the loneliness I am feeling at the moment is all consuming.
    I know I will get through this eventually and come out the other side stronger, I do not even recognise the man who has walked out on us. He is a mean spirited, bad tempered selfish person who does not deserve us.

    • M

      He is a piece of crap human. Garbage. I’m sorry for your son. My son is similar. And my ex too.
      Karma will be awful to them. And the girl will tire of him, trust me. And he looks like a LOSER to everyone lol

    • Gwen

      Cheryl. you are literally me(39), except I am nearing 5 months now since my ex husband (37)chose to leave the marriage for a very young girl (19), and QUICKLY RUSHED me out of our home we shared for 10 of our 15 years together while I’m left here in the middle of a road I never wanted to be on again, stranded, left to pick up the pieces -all while he moves on like the past 15 years, and I , never even existed.

      Sadly, My 16 year old son (ALSO from a previous marriage in which my ex husband cheated) was the one who notified me of the betrayal. This was after my husband couldn’t get me out of our home fast enough in the beginning of August-when he made the choice to throw us out so callously, completely blindsiding me with this whole thing-all whilst I wondered why he was repeatedly lying, starting ridiculous arguments, nitpicking everything from how I “let myself go” in the past few months (as in gaining as little as 5 lbs), to the way I chewed my food , when he was around at home for almost the entire month of July (I have since learned from him, he met her on July 1st.so he knew her for a whopping MONTH when he kicked me out.). At the time, I was not only working a physically demanding full time job which included a two hour commute both ways, but was also running HIS home based business full-time, which enabled him to even MEET and have $$ to wave at this little home wrecking wench in the first place.

      ~Since the day he threw us out , I had began to, and over the last 5 months, (aug-dec) have lost 35 lbs, and I’m now back to the size I was 16 years ago, when we decided to become a couple when he moved home from college after graduating, and after about 4 months passed of my shocking finding of my FIRST husband cheating on me. WITH A 20 YEAR OLD. (However my 1st husband and I weren’t that old back then. But STILL.)

      ~ as of yesterday, they as in my ex and new girl, are gone to Europe for new years. My son told me that lovely info too. More sickening news that a 19 year old replacement is getting to enjoy my ex all to herself now over her holiday break from college. In a foreign country. Talk about moving fast. They just have barely known each other 6 months, and she’s been living with him since her holiday break started in early DEC.

      Sorry for the rant, just wanted to let you know you’re not alone Cheryl, and anyone else going thru the heartbreak of losing your husband to betrayal and cheating . I would have sadly probably reconciled a few short months ago, in fact I was about to, until that night when my ex dropped the bomb on me of the fact that he was going full on with this young immature girl who is nothing like me. And even threw in the fact that it was too late for me to have healthy children with him now, as I am 39. Thanks for throwing the last jab in there and reminding me I’m probably no good or useful to any other man at this point either. Not that I would even CONSIDER another man at this point in time. I’m still struggling daily that my husband is gone forever to make babies with…a baby. Ugh. 5 months has gone by and I’m really still getting cut deeply every time I start to feel a teensy bit human, I hear from my son or mutual friends we had about their escapades and lavish life they’re living as its plastered all over fb. And to think my divorce isn’t final, nor are my things back in my possession yet, as I don’t even have permission to enter what was once MY home to get my belongings, and then I hear from someone now his new gf is posting all over fb how she is ” going through JUNK and taking things to the dump” that are probably MINE. PUKE. All while he is full speed ahead with his foot on the relationship accelerator with her…I’m sure as soon as the divorce is final, they’ll be married within a month at this rate. I’ll never understand how. Just wanted you ladies to know if you want to chat, I’m here to listen anytime! Sometimes we all need a shoulder, especially someone going through the same type of personally unwanted divorce. we never asked for being left for someone else.

      • Ren

        Sounds like my life… husband of 10 years refuses to provide spousal support but runs around every week with his chick from the bar( soon to be ex is a alcoholic)

  • Karen

    My ex left me about 2 months ago and started dating my sons therapist. I was so heart broken but after many confrontations I realized he is just not worthy of what I have to offer. we have two autistic children and he has left our family to go play house with her and her autistic son. No matter what anyone else says I know it’s hard and it hurts but any man, especially the father of your children that disrespects you in this way is clearly lost and childish. No matter what i know I will pull through and be the role model my boys need me to be.

  • Sandra

    My husband has been cheating on me for 6 years with another woman and they have a child together. When I found out I forgave him but he never stopped seeing her and just a few days ago he filed for divorce. He is willing to leave his 7 year old autistic son and me with nothing. I feel like I am dying inside.

    • BrokenAgain

      I feel you. My husband has been cheating and lying and gaslighting me for 5 years. Finally left me for his most recent “friend”. She has been smug and sending messages. I have been blocking her. Why would another woman condone this? How can my husband do this to me? I’m so broken, I can’t imagine ever healing. :,(

      • SweetRed

        Everyone heal in a different way. My husband is a cold piece of work. He thinks he’s some type of pimp. Getting over on ladys that get on dating websites. Beware of Jason porter. He’s a Lier told me he had 3 kids the baby momma that he left me for said he has 6 kids. Lied to her n said that the tattoo on his arm is his dead grandma come to find out it’s the other baby momma name. Come to find out he told me he was never married he was married to the second to last baby momma for 12 years. Told me the oldest child momma was dead nope she’s not. He don’t claim three kids. The last baby momma the one he left me for beats him. So for him marrying me she will beat him for that. That’s the reason he left the 1st time.

    • Arran

      My partner has done the same to me we have a 3 year old autistic daughter and she just left after 7 years , If you’re like me and you honestly loved you’re partner and you wanted, thought and were told you were going to be forever happy then there is nothing wrong with you AT ALL!!!!! I understand all the thoughts that are going through you’re head
      I’m feeling them to I really am the pain is unbearable , I believe these websites are the best place for me right now speaking to people in my situation you are not alone the same broken heart as you in a different place , x

    • Angela

      Hope u are managing to move forward. My husband left me on Christmas eve for a younger woman after 23 years. I am completely numb and grief stricken

  • Beka

    My fiancé left me a week ago for another woman. We have an almost 2 year old son together, and I just hit 24 weeks of pregnancy with our second son. I can not stand the betrayal and the hurt that he is causing me and our baby growing inside of me. I am coming to terms with the fact that this is what it is and this will not define me as a person. I read countless messages between him and his new mistress meeting up together and then coming home and lying to my face about where he’s been. All while I am waiting at home missing my fiancé and crying myself to sleep wondering what the hell is happening to my relationship. I was too blind to see it coming. I hope I can come out of this a stronger person, and I hope I can find the courage to love again. I don’t have many people to talk to because no one I know has been through a situation like this. I thought maybe it would be helpful to get some of this out with other women who are experiencing the same disrespect and heartbreak. Stay strong, ladies! Easier said than done, though.

    • Li

      I’m going through something similar. My husband of 6 years left me for his co-worker two months before our anniversary. He said he wants a divorce and is leaving at 3’oclock today. What?! I was 8 months pregnant. I knew he liked this woman, but he denied it for 2 years. Now, I find out that they have been sexually involved while he and I also have been (if you know how pregnancy sex is, you know how it is). I was so emotional, especially when my 4 yr old daughter was the one who told me about them two sleeping together. I am now with family and my two children trying to make sense of it all. His family still wants us to be together, but I’m convinced that it’s over. To think, the other woman is less attractive with 4 kids! All I can do now is stay positive, hide my tears, and hope one day that my daughter eventually stops asking for her daddy to come get her and take her to our “house”! God is real, and I believe that he will comfort me during this time and present to me the blessings that he couldn’t give me while I was giving so much to my husband. I admit, that I made mistakes as a wife, but that is no reason at all for him to leave me without trying to fix us first. Divorce is common, but it’s not right. I know that I will meet a man that will value marriage as I do. God says to “trust me, and follow me”. As long as I do that, I’ll be fine. It’s been 3 months, and I’m not in jail or dead. I must be doing something right. Prayer, talking to women who have been through it, staying busy, and attending fellowship as often as possible is the best thing to do for me. It sucks that we have children who will want to see their father, but guess what…. All things are possible through Christ. You never know what tomorrow brings…. That’s all I’m saying.

      • Patsy

        My husband is an alcoholic and I asked him to leave 4 months ago. He recently told me he has met someone and has fallen in love with her. He drinks everyday. He has been telling me he still loves me and needs me in his life. We have been together 15 years and I have been struggling with his alcohol addiction for that long. We have four children and we are all hurting. We deserve better. I go to 3 AlAnon meetings a week for support. I go to AA as well. I have a counselor working with me on codependency. I go to church because I need God in my life. He is the only one who can change me. I know one day my husband will wake up and regret what he has done and we will not be around. I am not a reflection of his disease. I will recover. I am hurting because of the lack of trust in our marriage. I valued the sanctity of marriage and he didn’t. He will answer to God someday. Thank you God for helping me take the positive from my memories and leaving the rest.

    • Diana j Gonzalez

      I feel your pain of learning how to cope when your husband leaves you, I hope you get past this and have a healthy baby who will always love you.

  • Angela

    My husband became involved with a woman he went to high school with at least 6 months ago. I believe closer to a year, and also that there were others before her. He left me and our 9 year old son and will not call our son on his own cell to speaks to him or text despite my emails asking him to. It has been 3 weeks and nothing. I filed for divorce and he is hiding. He works still but is not accessible there. I have been getting his mail still and received a credit card statement showing he put a deposit on an apt 2 weeks before he left. When he left he took 2,000 out of our joint account and bought a $30,000 Harley for him and this person to ride on. He left is each a note and said he is a liar and cheater and I don’t deserve that. No kidding. He’s a coward and she is trash who left her husband and daughter. I cannot get past my anger and immense hatred for them both. I don’t know how to get past my stupidity for trusting and loving such a terrible person who drank and was nasty when he did. Yet I’m not good enough and this person is? I feel broken sometimes and others I feel strong. It’s a roller coaster everyday. My son doesn’t even want to see him and said he doesn’t really miss his dad. Further more, if he wants her so badly then why is he hiding from being served divorce papers when I told him they were coming and asked for us to be civil.

  • Laurie

    Yes, it’s not “just” about losing your marriage after your husband leaves you for another woman. It’s about the death of your dreams and your old life…and it’s about your kids having to face a whole new reality.

    There are no magic breakup survival tips or secrets for rebuilding, I’m afraid. It’s really hard to start over after a betrayal like this.

    But there is hope! Have faith that you will survive this, you will rebuild, and you will be happy again! You can do this. Trust God, trust that He didn’t create you to be unhappy or bitter. He created you for a specific purpose. He created you to live fully and deeply…and this is your chance.

    Hold on to what is good and true and right. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and soon you will be running!

  • patricia

    I am going through that hell right now, how do I cope when he left me for another woman? I married my husband in 1992. We had 2 kids together. He drank alot that he cannot drink a couple and stop he has to drink till he passes out near enough every night. That put a strain on our marriage but he refused to see it and I thought one day he would realise he has a problem and seek help plus I loved him.
    I am facing bankruptcy and have to start from the very bottom again on my own while still trying to access help for my son’s condition. And yet I was still begging my husband to reconsider and to give us another go. I feel so lost without him. He hurt me like I never thought possible. I feel betrayed and cheated and yet I still want him. And today he tells me in message that he just wants to move on. I have been a mess for weeks or months but the last few days have been the worst. I just cry for nothing. Out of nowhere tears pour out. I honestly don’t know how I will overcome this one. I have overcome alot over the years but I feel this is just too hard for me to do. I feel like I am worthless cause if the man I gave my all to for 23 years, the father of my children can just throw me aside like a piece of old junk. What chance have I got in life? I am 47 years old with nothing to my name, facing a life of debt and most probably poverty and the man I thought was my best friend just wants to move on. How can people be so cruel and uncaring? And how the hell do I even start to rebuild my life? I didn’t just lose my husband, or my marriage. I lost everything and I am expected to move on.

    • Michelle

      I completely understand how you feel. I just found out that my husband has someone else (and has been talking to her for months) last Friday. When I found out he went directly to her house and has been there since. I can not stand the fact of knowing where he is right now. Me and the kids are completely devastated and heartbroken. I honesty thought that we were better than we have ever been. We (even until the day I found out) were that “sickeningly loving” couple. We never fought and actually held hands and cuddled all the time. It wasn’t about sex bc that is a problem that we have had for years, his testosterone has been messed up. So he had a wife at home that would give it to him any time he wanted it. And like you I just want him to come home. I don’t care what he has done I just want our marriage back. I’m starting to wonder if it’s possible to die of a broken heart. It’s the worst pain ever. I’ve been living on Xanax for the past few days, it’s the only way that I’m able to function. In 6 months we would have been married for 10 years, about a week ago we were even talking about going some place tropical to renew our vows. So I honestly have no clue how someone who claimed to love meso much can just drop me like yesterday’s trash.

      • Bonnie

        I sure understand what you are going through! My husband is with the married whore next door. She began pursuing my husband a year ago. I only found out because his nephew caught them kissing and he told my son. My son checked his phone and took photos of the text messages, photos and videos. I was devastated!!!! I confronted him and I punched her in her slutty face when she touched me and began pushing me out of a store I didn’t realize she worked in. I have copied their filth pics and have left them at her house for her husband to find. He knows about the affair now, but she has moved out, and I am sure with my husband. He has lied to me for years, yet I also thought things were getting better. I didn’t know he was lying until my son gave me the evidence. He is after money. I told him NO more debt with my name on it! She has property, a new house, etc…and plans on selling it. He was intrigued with that. I am beyond livid. I left my home, my friends and family, and my 2 businesses when I married him 13 yrs ago. It has been hard since day 1 because of his jealous sister and mother but I thought things would get better over the years. They have passed an STD on to me and I sure hope I am awarded damages for that!!! The crazy thing is, I love him and if he would go to counseling and get this crap figured out and dedicate his life to me and our marriage, I would take him back. I also was waiting here at home for him. He was never turned down for sex. Never! We would hold hands when we did go somewhere and we would enjoy talking to each other…so what the hell????? I am totally sick over it!!!

      • Hurt

        I totally know what you are feeling, I’m going thru the same thing and my chest is always heavy! I don’t know how this will work out but I’m believing God for the best. My boys are my hope….. I gave my all to this guy but he is apparently a Gold digger. He is on all social sites, I even spoke to the lady and she apologized only for her to turn around and tell my husband to move in with her!!!! The law of Karma is just around the corner…. I’m broken totally, have got no help whatsoever…… Beware of Phantombruce, Dave Yemo or David. Those are the names he uses……

    • Ashara Dayne

      I totally sympathise. I felt exactly the same after I discovered my husband had been cheating for years. I became severely depressed and my life fell apart. That was six years ago. The only thing that helped was meeting someone new. You need a certain amount of time to go through the grieving process and experience the seven stages (disbelief, anger, bargaining etc), but after that I think it’s possible to get stuck on anger and make yourself ill.
      You need the support of family or friends to get you through. Keep busy and distract yourself if you find yourself ruminating endlessly.
      I was plotting all sorts of revenge, in fact I posted her details on shesahomewrecker.com, but it didn’t really help.
      What we all did wrong was trusting our husbands to keep their marriage vows. We should all be taught never to totally trust a man not to stray, then it won’t be so devastating when it happens. Especially these days. If you join a dating site there are literally hundreds of young attractive men looking for sex with older women. If that’s what you want go for it. I didn’t want it but ended up meeting someone who is young, super fit, lean strong and great looking. Sex is fantastic. After years with my fat ugly selfish arrogant ex it is refreshing experience. It is the only way IMHO.

  • C

    I just find it crazy…my husband bought me flowers v day that Sunday held me so tight then went to work never returned. No call, text nothing I had found his car n that’s all it took he was caught. He came to my job I work at my daughters school n he would stare at me but no words or text. So I finally told him through text not to visit her there. We are still married 12 years July he now lives with his co worker mistress and still hasn’t told me a thing she is married also. He says he’s not coming back but he’s not sure about divorce. They were recently both fired from there job for having sex at work. He comes to get my daughter sometimes and acts as if he’s doing nothing wrong. I have fasted 35 days n pray daily for restoration its been 4 months. I feel he is confused. He’s never been away from his daughter one day until this. We also had a great marriage n were like glue never done anything without the other. But at work he had her. He will not have contact with his family either idk what to do, this is literally like a death. One month after he left me my mom passed away. This has been the hardest thing ever!!!

  • D. Whitney

    Very quickly, in just a matter of a few months, my husband withdrew emotionally from our marriage. He was my best friend and had been for 13 years. I asked him what was going on, but he would just give his standard response, “nothing.”

    Two days after Valentine’s Day…which he did not acknowledge…he asked for a separation. He said WE were just not happy anymore. I tried to explain to him that I loved him very much and that I was willing to do whatever it took to make our marriage work (I would have gone to hell and back for him)… But, it didn’t matter. I moved home to my parents while he moved out. Two days later he was researching divorce.

    After four, of the absolute worst weeks of my life, I found out that he was already living with her. He had come home many times during throughout this month to visit me and our cat. He even made love to me twice…but he was in love with another woman.

    I can honestly say, that this experience has changed me. I’ve lost my trust in others and my innocence. It has not even been one year since our divorce, and he’s already celebrated his one year anniversary with her. My pain still overcomes me some days. When will I recover?

    If my closest friend, my family, my lover, my everything was capable of such betrayal, then anyone is.

    • Paula

      This happened to me after 23 yrs of what I thought was a stable loving marriage. I won’t bore you with details such as he left for another woman who had divorced her husband after 25 yrs… We all we friends and attended church together for years. Long story short I did a heck of a lot of research and found “Chaos Kid Midlife crisis.” You can google it and get free info and videos to listen to that will likely explain your husband actions to a tee. I’d love to hear from you after you look at that. It’s epidemic but life goes on. I’ve since remarried a Wonderful man

  • Mary

    So, my story is a bit different. After 25 years of marriage, my husband told me he cared about me but he wasn’t in love with me. I was stunned, to say the least. We had done marriage counseling a few years earlier, when he had confessed to an online affair and after several months of that, he had pronounced us “cured.” Ha ha!

    So, about 5 years after that, he announces that he needs to leave. I said, okay, I will help you tell the kids.
    He refused to even consider talking with our kids together about it. It took him another 6 months to actually leave, in the meantime, we still slept in the same bed, but I would try very hard not to accidentally touch him. So that meant no real sleep. Ugh. Anyway, one day the kids and I came home to find his golf clubs, his suits and his toiletries gone. That was all he took. Oh, and the Beatles’ CDs. He told our daughter that night, after a baseball game, that he was going to stay in the city. He never really ever talked to our son about it. But right after he left, I found out about all of the emails, coffee dates, dinner dates, gifts and such to several other women over the years. He’s an idiot.

    It’s now 13 years later, and we are just now finalizing the divorce. We tried 3 other times to do it, but he always backed off, scared of how much it would cost him. And, foolish woman that I am, I thought I was comfortable with the status quo.

    He has not been miserly. Our finances are joined. He and I have put the kids through college, and paid the mortgage on the house and his apartment. But now he has decided he wants to finalize everything, because it will be ‘cleaner’ that way. I read that for ‘girlfriend is pressuring him to commit to her.’

    My worry now is that I will not be business-like enough during the divorce process, and will have to accept a reduced living circumstance. I’m not very good at being angry at him. I want the kids to feel like they can have both parents at the same events, etc, but I feel that if I press for a more favorable settlement, I will alienate everyone. So, after 13 years, I need that sense of injustice, of anger, to motivate me to take care of myself.

    • Bonnie

      I have filed for divorce and I will do everything possible to get all I deserve out of this mess. You need to take care of YOU!!!! He obviously is taking care of his whore, so you need to get all you can to take care of your life. You are NOT the one who left the marriage. You did NOT cheat on him, and you have taken care of your children. Find a good attorney and write down every single thing you can think of that has happened that can help your case. It will save you money when the attorney can read that and not have to call or talk to you in person when ever there is a question about something. YOU will NOT alienate everyone!!!! YOU have every right to expect to live the life you have lived with him as far as your living arrangements. He did this. He made the mess, now let him clean up the mess he has made when he chose to cheat on you and leave you. You don’t have to be rude or hateful, but you do need to take up for yourself. He has been selfish in considering only what he wants, and he didn’t give a flip about honoring his vows to you, so take care of you!!!! If people want to blame you, they need to be told to back off. This is your marriage and your spouse. They have NO right to judge you! I apologize if I come off harsh, I just know how badly this hurts and how evil it is to do to someone and you don’t deserve it!!!!

      • Req

        You gave him tranquility to earn all that money. It’s yours as well and not any other women. If you don’t use it any other women will

  • Karen

    I am so grateful for all of you sharing. The ending of my marriage ended like many of yours. My husband of 10 years left me for another after cheating on me behind my back with the OW for going on a year this June. I have never been as devastated as I was when I found out. I thought I was losing my soul. It felt like someone ripped me apart and left me to bleed out and die. I don’t believe I have felt pain and betrayal like I did that day. And it’s funny because til this day he will still not admit that he’s with her. I found out about her because for months I kept having a feeling like something was going on. I would ask him many times over and over and he would just deny it. He started coming home late and a couple of times not at all. When I would confront him he would tell me that he was drinking with his friends and that he would pass out drunk on the couch. I though something was up but never that he had someone else. He was a great husband and father to our 2 kids. We didnt have a perfect marriage but I thought we had it all. We were working towards getting a house together and upgrading our cars and going on a family vacation one day and the next i read through his phone and find out there was someone else. Its been about 5 months now since I found out and about a week since we stop living together. He doesnt check up on the kids, doesn’t call or nothing. Its like he never had a family. I often find myself wondering what kind of man leaves behind his kids? His wife without a second thought? What kind of woman goes after a married man perfectly knowing that we have been together and have kids? People tell me that karma will set things alright and some days I want to sit back and watch them suffer and other days I wish I didnt have to see his face ever again. Tere are days when all I do is cry and want to call him and talk to him, just to hear his voice tell me that we’re going to be ok. And there are other days when I dont care what he does. What hurts the most is that I feel like he divorced the kids as well as myself.

    • jj

      The worst kind of mind boggling pain.

      Ironically in their selfishness they actually lose the very best of themselves: their children.

      He will get the relationship with them that he earns.

      It’s cliché and sounds trite but stay strong. Don’t even go after him for anything it will only result in chaos. just work harder focus on you& focus on those beautiful kids.

      After years of broken agreements and lies I filed for divorce from my husband of 20 years … I knew there was
      other women.

      11 days later he was moved in with a woman and her child… she has no contact with our children or myself. Ignores us all. Erased us from his lifeand is absent at all significant ceremonies and holidays including birthdays. .. so busy with his ” new family.”

      A man that leaves his own children with a turd to begin with and we were dumb to be with hi.m.

      Google NPD A man that abuses and then replaces his family is a selfish jerk. I can’t wait for karma to catch up because she will have to be with him 21 years to be dumber than me!!
      IT HURTS!! that’s all I can say I feel your pain and it’s a mind-boggling heart-wrenching anguish.

      An abuser’s rejection is God’s protection. Xo hug

    • Marcie

      I’m going through the same thing, my husband of just 2 years, together over 20 years just left me. We have a 16 year old son who he hasn’t spoken to or text since he left. My husband was most definitely having an affair, he had a jeep he was devoting all his time to last fall. He started being gone all the time, weeknights, weekends. He would deny anything was going in, just 4 wheeling, which I was not invited to enjoy. I just work stay home and take care of the bills our home and our son while he frolicks in the woods. He has multiple females on his facebook which I am not a part of, secretive with his phone, to the point I thought he was going to start something with it in his anal cavity to keep private. The last time we had sex, he went limp. Never did that before, the time before that he did the same thing. When that happened and accused him, he said it was stress. I lived this man so much, so much so that looking back he really dumped on me quite a bit. I put up with way too much! I’m lost and heartbroken.

    • Josie

      karen, know you are not alone you basicaly descride my situation right now.My husband off almost 11 yrs left my 3 young kids & I behind for another woman who also has 3 kids but by different man. I was left with everything the house the cars the kids. All but him, he has no time for our children. All he has time for is his new family as many of us have said on here. I know the feeling its an emotional roller coaster one day you are the strongest woman you have ever been & then the next day you are broken, your heart is hurting & you are at a lost for words.At times i almost feel bipolar so many feelings so many thoughts of how i failed as a wife a woman a friend. At the end of the day when my kids are in bed i walk around my home I look at pictures i walk to our family room & wonder how am I ever going to move on passed this stage in my life. for a few weeks i didnt have an answer. Then one day I looked up to a picture of my 3 kids at a pumkin patch that only the kids & i attended. then at another picture of a school carnival that he also didnt attend & so on. i started to notice that so many things that the kids I did were without him so then I realized i have always been fine without him. know I have been separated 1 12 months i would say exact days lol…but am not going to. & of course it still hurts the betrayal is unbearable still I try to stay positive & i keep praying that god keeps my children & I safe. As for my husband I still ask for the same & a little more. Lets stay optimistic we are strong moms woman & we will find the outlet to this stage in life!!!

  • Marie

    Why is it that after almost five years, I still can’t get over what my ex-husband did? Even after finding a wonderful man last year who cares about me and loves me for who I am. Why is it that it still hurts? I find myself thinking back to that time almost six years ago when my world came crashing down. When I found the text messages to his co-worker, now his wife. The months that followed were of confusion and pain like I never knew. How could the man I trusted the most with my feelings do this to me after 15 years together, 12 years of marriage and a beautiful daughter? He told me he hadn’t been happy for years and that we just weren’t meant to be together. When I confronted him about his co-worker, who he had been texting, calling and spending time outside of work with during his marriage to me, I was told that she wasn’t the reason he was leaving. And she was also married at the time. When she divorced her husband, the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with told me he was leaving me and never coming back. Then he just walked away as I lay a crumpled, crying mess on the floor, and he never looked back. I felt like a piece of used garbage. This wasn’t supposed to happen! My dreams for the future were gone. My hopes for my daughter to have a normal family life and not come from a broken home were gone. And then, to top it all off, after the nightmare of a divorce, only three months later, he married her. And had our devastated daughter attend their wedding and stand up at the altar with them. I lost over 40 pounds, couldn’t eat and was severely depressed for months. I went on anti-depressants and could barely get out of bed. To this day, I still have flasbacks to that time in my life. Not as much as I used to, but it does cross my mind from time to time. Certain things will trigger me to think about it. It totally changed who I am. I watched my daughter have to grow up so much faster than she was supposed to. After he left, and still to this day, she is not the same girl she was. Sure he sees her during visitations and every other weekend, but she is exhausted from going back and forth between two homes. The twinkle in her eye is gone and I swear I have not seen her smile a genuine smile since it happened. And it is still so hard on me when she spends time with him and the woman who helped end my marriage. I still can’t believe this happened to me. I know I am better off without someone who had so little disregard for my feelings, but it is still something that haunts me to this very day.

    • Ashara Dayne

      Oh I do so feel for you! My husband said and did almost identical things and it’s so difficult. He did it 9 years ago, although I only found out the truth 6 years ago. I really can’t offer much in the way of advice, only my heartfelt sympathies, hugs and support though all of this. Take comfort from the fact that your daughter knows it wasn’t your choice or decision. Unfortunately many men are simply too selfish to consider anyone but themselves.
      I’ve only recently started feeling anything like recovered.
      I think what has helped me a little is the realisation that I was a total fool for not realising that the commitment of marriage and the vows taken simply don’t mean a thing to these men. There are books galore that might help. Look on Amazon. Get a kindle if necessary. But you’ll probably just kick yourself for not looking before he cheated and left. It’s the ultimate betrayal, you and him against the world turned into him and his gf against you. You need to work through the seven stages of grief. I finally realised I was nearly there when I felt nothing on my 29th wedding anniversary on Monday. He will probably cheat on her too. Once done it’s a line easier to cross again.

    • D

      Not much to say except your story is almost identical to mine except that my daughter, now 15, has no interest in seeing her father. He spent much of the first 12 years of her life sitting in a basement drinking… My son, 12 also feels likewise. The “Other Woman” is just now getting a divorce from her ex – 2 kids… her daughter skated with my daughter for years, so yes, we knew one another. She swore she would never leave her husband because he/she would never be able to afford to live. My ex’s family is incredibly wealthy. Do the math. Fortunately, I don’t have to live with how hard it is for my kids to spend time with him or him/her. They are not interested. She probably won’t move in with him right away… she wants her spousal support! Like you, I know I am better off… He would mock me for being upset about anything… like hurt. Sad really. But yes, his behaviour, his lack of caring because he wanted to be with someone else will continue to haunt me for a long time. My heart goes out to you… it truly does.

    • Ti

      Hey! It’s been more than an year since your post and I am not sure if you are checking on this website or not but how are you coping now? I have never been in a relationship and reading all these post has instilled a fear in me that I will never be enough for someone to spend their lifetime with me. They will eventually find someone better, funnier, prettier, better personality, etc etc. I don’t understand how people can walk away from a long term marriage? Don’t you grow an attachment to your spouse after building an entire life with them? How can you “fall in love” again when your spouse / partner has been by your side through every obstacles? It’s even harder when there are kids involved. I am 23 and I don’t know what my future holds but one thing is for certain. I think I will remain single and end up adopting (which I have always dreamt of because I want to give a child the life they deserve). I hope you are doing well now and remember that your ex lost someone who loved him more than anything in the world and you lost someone who didn’t love you enough (read this somewhere else but it definitely brings a peace in mind). He is at a greater loss because he lost someone like you and will end up having a daughter who will resent him in the future. Majority of affair marriages never last forever due to it being built on betrayals and tears. Everything in life happens for a reason. It takes time to move on but eventually everything falls in place. Couple years down the road you won’t even think of your ex anymore. The scar will always remain but you will become stronger. Best wishes and please update on your life 🙂

  • Maruska

    When I woke from our divorce, I found my husband had been in a relationship with another woman. I found all the pictures on facebook. His daughter even told friends I caused the divorce and so I deserved all that came my way. I lost my job, had to relocate. We were one year from retiring. I am so disappointed in what a man can do to a woman and vice versa, that I simply will leave the relationship thing to those strong enough to go thru a divorce. For me it is just so horrible that I will never recover completely and again my waste of time to find another is just something I can not bring myself to do. Divorce is a disgrace!!!

  • Tanja50

    My husband,ex husband now , walked out on me after almost 20 years of marriage. His reason was “I am not in love with you anymore “. Translation “I am having an affair with a young co worker “. He changed all bank accounts , stopped paying the mortgage , stopped paying his sons college tuition. He was plain evil. I was devastated for about 3 months. With the help of my faith I gathered all my strength and hired an aggressive attorney and filed for divorce. He wanted the young minion , well I wanted financial security. So I went no contact and fought him in court for every penny he had. I was awarded spousal support and I came out the winner. A person who cheats and betrays , lies and deceives is not worth fighting for. I let him go. I was done. I had it. Now 3 years later my life is happy, peaceful , calm and sane. I was tired of playing detective , I was tired of questioning my own self worth. Divorcing him was the best decision. Was it easy ? Absolutely not. But standing up for myself and my son made me a stronger more resilient woman. My son and I survived. My mom was able to help for great legal counsel. My ex stood no chance. God was in control , he fought my enemies and in the end gave me the victory. My advise is “if he leaves , let him go,don’t beg, don’t cry for him. ” he is not worth it. My only regret is not divorcing him sooner and “trying to make it work ” for 20 years.

  • CJS

    It just sucks doesn’t it, this stuff!!!??? Well the pain for me is still pretty fresh. My partner just moved out 3 days ago officially even though we were talking about separating throughout the last 2 months after I found out about his emotional affair with his coworker. Well it was an emotional affair that had been going on for 8 months and they kissed once. We were together for 9 years. He is Italian and I am American, I moved to Italy because I love it here but I also moved here for him. I feel so bad, so stupid and dependent on him! This past year has been rough, he was gone for 3 months for a research project and then within a week of him returning I broke my ankle real bad, was in the hospital for 2 weeks and was laid up at home on disability out of work for 4 months. In the beginning I could not even take a shower or do basically anything myself. Then I just felt his constant distance and his increasing attention with his cell and texting people. So one night I checked his cell, which I never do, and found things I was not happy about. Now two months later we are broken up, I am in a foreign country, at least I have a “good” job, and at least now I can walk and take care of myself. I feel horrible, I cry, I get angry, I feel like life is over sometimes. For me 9 years feel like forever, even though people tell me I am young – I am 31, I do not know what to do. I do not know who I am or what my life is anymore!!! I never would of imagined this happening. My ex boyfriend before him cheated on me too so I chosed this guy because I thought he was loyal, dependable, honest and trustworthy. This is the last thing I would of ever thought he could do to me. I feel like I do not even know him, did he ever lvoe me, how can this be? My family back in the US is not the most stable, besides my brother, so his family became my family and I love them, I adore them. They still call me and come to see me etc. as they said I am like their daughter. They support me and feel bad for me, at least his family are on my side! It helps, but sucks, to know others are in the same position. But it still hurts so bad!! I just don’t see myself ever moving on, ever being able to trust again or love again, because it seems as though love sucks. We had a hard year and I thought I handled it quite well considering, it sucks that he didn’t and just closed the book and moved on without even trying! Now I have created a life abroad that is slightly falling apart, I feel lost, confused, hurt, sad, depressed, angry, disappointed, shocked etc. aaahhhhhhh

    • Rabina

      I understand your pain I was married for 8 years and out the blue my husband said he felt like a hamster on a wheel. Well he was cheating on me with a co worker and he stayed out all night and was staying out her house now they are leaving together. It hurts and I also feel like how can I trust and love again after I gave a man 8 years of my life? I just have to take it a day at a time but this is one of the worst years of my life and I pray for all of us to find healing and one day find a man that will forever be loyal

    • Jules

      For over two years I searched phrases like: husband leaves his wife and husband leaves but never calls. I thought my husband might be schizophrenic so I searched that too. No matter what I read, nothing sounded like what I was experiencing. Most of the information I came across suggested ways to get him back by implementing no-contact.

      If I had known that he was a psychopath I would not want to know how to get him back. I would want to know how to get rid of him for good. It was not until I searched: pathological liar, did I find information that explained what my husband was. Before I learned he was a psychopath, I would tell him that he lacked empathy, and ask him over and over how he could treat me – his wife as badly as he did. Nothing ever really rattled him, I since learned that they call that flat affect. Anytime things got heated between us he would just leave.
      Gaslighting is Common with Psychopaths

      In the beginning of our marriage he would regularly accuse me of seeing and sleeping with other men. It was infuriating because I am a loyal person and honored my marriage vows. Here I had my husband who I loved, accusing me of being unfaithful. As a result I would wonder if he was saying that because he was being unfaithful. Today I am certain that was the case, but at the time it just made me second guess myself. On and on it went. The lies were never ending, and I never understood what was really going on until I learned what a psychopath is.

    • Angela

      Wow, i have read many stories about coping when your husband leaves for another woman…yours struck home and to my core. I feel like you could be a younger version of me 24 years ago. it hurts so bad, and to have the same guy who broke your heart do it again 24 years later? I feel you.
      You got me with your last sentence; I came back to the states, started my own new chapter…he followed willingly. I knew back then, he wasn’t the man who really wanted to commit to me, but he did and I still do not know why. I would have never believed that he would abandon his family; I didn’t, I caught myself and did the family first thing. WTH?
      This hurts on so many different levels and from so many different directions.n Just when I think i’ve got this? Bam! Something spins me into a valley that I do not want to be in. God has been the key for me and I profess his love for me and mine for him. Pray and pray and pray some more.

  • Rue

    Hi Ladies

    After reading all your stories, I feel much better. I have been married for 4 years with a man I truly loved.We have a beautiful 2 year old together. Things became worse when he started seeing another girl called Chanel. Last year I tried to organize a trip for the holidays and he told me he couldn’t go because he had business plans yet he had organised a trip with Chanel to go to Swaziland for the holidays… This year he started going for days, then weeks until I moved out on my own on 07 May 2015. Soon after I had moved out, Chanel moved in. Well she is completely my opposite, she has tattoos all over her body, drinks a lot and is a heavy smoker. I don’t neither drink nor smoke. He never made progress to get us back together, or to let us talk. Now their lifestyle is hilarious…every weekend they will be out partying and they blow money in different directions. Its hilarious, because whilst I was there I would make sure we save money and buy things for the house, I would take care of his younger sister, I was that ‘wife’ who is always home if not at work. His relatives are all supporting me and they are failing to accept this new girl. He doesn’t seem to care.Its like he was given a love portion or something. Last week I asked if we could talk and he told me to come over saying his girlfriend wont be there, then next thing when I got there, the girlfriend is there laughing at us and they left me and our daughter outside(by the balcony) and went to drink only to come at 2 am and started harassing us. It was horrifying. I grew up without a father and I don’t want my daughter to go through the same thing. I am broken. I badly want to take away that crazy love spell which she put on my husband. I have fasted and prayed. Nothing seems to happen. Maybe its time I face reality..he is just never coming back. Maybe he is happy clubbing and living like a teenager. Only God knows.

  • Jen

    Hi ladies- it simply sucks that we all have been dealt this hand. I have a question – beyond the grief/devastation/feelings of abandonment, etc. – how have you dealt with wishing he would “snap out of it” and come crawling back? It has been a bit over a year since my husband bailed on me and my 2 toddlers (one with special needs) for a work colleague who was 15 yrs. younger (same story!) Same with your stories…he swore it had “nothing to do with her” and everything to do with me/us (my fault???) I didn’t even know we had issues…he certainly made it seem like he adored me and lived for his family (he would tell me/anyone who would listen, exactly that, until the day I caught him cheating). Anyway – a bit over a year and yet I HATE MYSELF for saying this, but I still am wishing he would “snap out of it” and want to come back. The girl moved from LA to be with him in CT, and as far as I know, they’re living together. He chases after her and worships/adores HER now (just like he did me). It is killing me. Many articles say after 3-36 months the guys snap out of the chemical “rush” that comes from this kind of affair, and then they realize they messed up. This said, it doesn’t seem to be happening. They seem more serious then ever…I’ve even seen them photographed out with his WORK colleagues (like others here, it makes me FURIOUS that people seem to accept this relationship as if he has done nothing wrong – what is wrong with our society????) I know he cheated, he lied, he bailed…he left me holding the bag on everything and on his way out, he was angry/mean, non-communicative…just AWFUL to me. So of course I shouldn’t want him back. But….how can I turn off this need to have him snap out of it? Have your ex’s come back at this point, groveling? I know a lot do….but other research suggests they are just Narcissists and will never feel real remorse for their actions, and we are best off leaving them out of our hearts, forever. UGH.

    • Ashara Dayne

      Hi Jen,
      I am so sorry that this happened to you when your children are so young. My husband cheated and left me years ago and I still harbour hopes of reconciliation. It’s not gonna happen.
      Well it certainly won’t if you do what I did. I tried writing a heartfelt email about our life together and my hopes for the future etc. and he showed it to his gf and they laughed about it.

      Just build yourself a new life. When he has the kids go out and meet people. Heck, do it when you have the kids. Find someone new if you can. I haven’t but I feel like all the men I do know are taken. I think the only way he’ll miss you is if he sees how happy you are with someone else. He probably senses that you want him back so just feels like he can walk back in when he feels like it. Once that option seems less solid he may realise what he is losing.

    • Annie

      Hi Jen,
      Omg I feel like you are telling my story. I’ve been separated for my husband for about 2 years and I just can’t seem to get over it. I took me a long time to accept that he wasn’t coming back. I didn’t want to hear it or accept it, I wanted him back for a long time regardless of all the awful, cruel and humiliating things he did to me. I finally started going out and meeting other men but I’m having a hard time because I’m completely traumatized by what my husband has done to me I don’t ever want it to happen again that it makes me very mistrustful. My husband is still seeing the women he left our family for but cheats on her too. She is aware of it but is holding on to him for dear life. My husband is successful and she is 16 yrs younger she loves the new lifestyle my husbands money has afforded her so she is determined to hold on to him. I have also accepted the fact that I can’t stop him from dating all these other women but I can’t stand the fact of him still keeping the woman he left us for around. I don’t understand if he’s still being with other women why he feels the need to hold onto her. I feel as long as that particular woman is in the picture I won’t be able to get over what they did to me and my children. In my heart I want it to be anyone else but that woman. It’s a bad day to day. ?

      • Ashara Dayne

        That’s exactly how I feel, too. He cheated on his new gf after they’d only been together a short while, then texted a ‘friend’/customer about a message he’d received from a previous lover (one he’d cheated on me with years earlier that I was oblivious to-she finally dumped him because he wouldn’t leave me for her). The message was ‘the best f*$k I’ve ever had wants to meet up-what should I do? Once they’ve dipped their toe in (his name) lake there’s no turning back’ or somesuch similarly humiliating garbage. Despite this, and despite multiple emails I received from her telling me how she’d had enough and was finished with him, and how unhappy she was, she’s still clinging onto him for dear life. They aren’t living together but I’m assuming they go on expensive trips abroad together (I know they’ve done so in the past-to 5-star spa resorts alone which we’ve never done). He has never acknowledged that only ever spending time with her on expensive dates and holidays is going to see her looking and behaving her best. Sometimes I wish they would live together so that she’d know the mundanity of living with him, but he says he doesn’t want to. It’s easy to get along when you don’t have a house and three kids draining you constantly.

        She is a pure golddigger and everyone working for him knows it. They all hate her yet he treats her like a queen. His business partner can’t say anything. If I mention her he gets angry. He knows she’s a Golddigger but doesn’t care. She’s not even particularly attractive or young, although she is slim and glamorous. She looks younger than she is despite eating junk and smoking, so I guess he’s paid for her to have cosmetic surgery. He pays her a salary despite her no longer working. I just wish she’d go away. I know she’d be off like a shot if she could get someone better, but she never will. I wonder why she’s so keen to keep hold of him when they’ve no children together, but of course it’s the lifestyle.
        He lives in our marital home, which is 7000 square foot, I live in a tatty house in need of renovation of 1500 sq ft. He refuses to sell, despite asking hundreds of times. He won’t divorce me probably because he’s afraid he’ll lose everything but he cheats the system to avoid taxes and buys everything on expenses. When I threaten to divorce him to force him to sell he tells me I’m ‘unbelievably selfish’ because the kids don’t want to move. Every day I think about suicide. The only light at the end of the tunnel is that in 5 years he’ll get his pension, which will be enough to buy me a decent home without selling. He’s said he will, but how can I believe/trust him after all the lies?

        • Kerry

          Ashara, he won’t buy a house for you once he gets his pension. You asked how can you believe him? You can’t! If you have a daughter, would you want her to just roll over and accept what you’re accepting from this man?
          Collect as much evidence that he is evading his taxes as you can, contact the best divorce attorney you can, do not warn him and file for divorce.
          You have allowed these incredibly selfish people to decide how your life should unfold for too long. It will be difficult but take control of your life. You will gain so much self respect and lifelong respect from your children because their mother fought for them. He called you selfish? From what I’ve read in your post, you’re the only unselfish one in this group.

      • Rebecca

        My story is that of all of you on here. Like you I am devastated My husband left me for his drug meth 1 year n half ago. And is living with his cousins wife. She put her husband in a home because he hasMS and didn’t want to care or him. She lives in a large home on property .in the beginning which was 5-6 years ago it was all about his sick cousin and how he had to be there to help with the ranch. I had suspected this. But he alwAys denied it. We had everything,the homes the cars, three grown daughters All paid cash for their college. All very successful.Had everything I was the happiest,sex was Great, Always had money Went on vacation every year. After 36 years of marriage Married to my high school sweetheart he decides he doesn’t think he Loves me anymore. I was crushed M y heart was ripped out of my chest. It’s almost been two years.he tells me he Loves me, to have faith n hope. But him living there And still deny he’s having affair or on drugs. Which I ‘m now is still happening. I keep thinking that he’s going to walk in the door.an d ask for me back. I have nev err r been so sick in m life. I’ve lost 35 pounds and in counseling Been in the hospital for anxiety. Lost my mother a month after he left. I pray for him daily. Thank you posting all your stories It helps to read My story but from you. God Bless

    • Kerry

      Jen, every woman who has been cheated on and reads your story, can relate to every emotion you’re feeling. I too have gone through the same thing. It’s been 11 years. My husband and I owned a very successful company, were married for 12 years, she was a low level employee, we had two young children and I found out he was cheating. I was devastated. I won’t go into all the details but I will promise you that if you start focusing on your children and yourself, it will become easier. I know it’s hard to see them at company functions and even harder to accept the fact that people seem ok with this affair but it will work out. Btw the wives and girlfriends of his friends do NOT trust her.
      The first thing I did when I confirmed the affair was to file for divorce…take your power back…he will definitely pay attention! Secondly, as much as you love him, realize he’s not in that frame of mind.
      Put you and your children first in every aspect.
      Don’t worry about whether or not he thinks you’re nice or a good wife…his mistress isn’t “nice” and she has his attention.
      Cry everyday if you must because it hurts but also do something really nice for yourself every single day.
      There’s very little chance he’ll marry this woman. When the excitement settles and he realizes he’s lost the respect of his friends, colleagues, family and especially his children, he will have to blame someone.
      He won’t blame you…you did nothing.
      He won’t blame himself…if he’s already shown you what he’s made of.
      He’ll blame HER!
      He probably won’t marry her because she’s the type of woman who cheats with a married man and has no problem taking a father away from his children.
      This can go on for months or years but if you genuinely take care of yourself and your children, he’ll be back. Whether you take him back or not will be your choice and yours alone.
      One more thing, one day you will become the forbidden fruit and his mistress, if she’s still around will be in the position you’re in now.
      This all sounds like an evil fantasy of a scorned wife but this is how it unfolded for me and a few women I’m aware of.
      And no, when he came back, I had long moved on with a man so much more worthy of my love. I really hope this works out for you.

    • Lyssa

      I just found last Monday my husband had been cheating for three weeks with our children’s preschool teacher. After five days he had even asked her to marry him. In a way I feel sorry for her. She had been foolish enough to believe every lie he told her. He is very charming after all.
      This past week, week four of their unending “true love” I have found out that all of his family knew, and they all have been lying to me as well.
      I keep trying to find the logic in it all. She is 39, has twin 1 year olds. Lives with her mom, lost her job over him. Has no car. She was just engaged to another man April 10, yes two weeks later she became engaged to my husband.
      Their plans were to get married July 4, yet we are still married and wouldn’t have gotten divorced by that point.
      He is currently in jail for domestic violence, he wasn’t happy about the divorce papers. She doesn’t have the cash to bail him out. Once he is out, he will be homeless, jobless, car less. Family less. We have two children together and one on the way.
      I hate him, and still love him.
      I know that their true love is really a desperate attempt for her to find someone to take care of her and her kids aka he works and she plays stay at home. Sadly he is an illegal, and can’t find a real, stable income. I wish I could just sit back and watch this mess unfold and then scream I TOLD YOU SO.
      But if I was being honest with myself I would also admit that I miss him, it’s been a week since he went to jail, he has had no contact with either of us. I wish he would get his head cleared and magical figure out what he is doing is stupid. That he has been this huge mistake. To come crawling back, to beg me to stay with him. I would be stupid enough to let him.
      Maybe it’s a good thing I know that he would never do it anyway. He is too absorbed with saving face. He has to go through with this Jr high “true love” crap

  • Effee

    Thank you for this web site. I am feeling particularly depressed today….reading the thoughts and feelings of others helps me understand that I’m not as isolated as I feel.

    I am disabled due to an accident. The medications to control pain and other effects from traumatic surgery left me, after 42 years in the workforce and as the major earner in our household, unemployable. 32 years of supporting this “husband” and when my income stopped so did his affection for me.

    Three years ago this “husband” came home from work and said “see ya” and left me alone for 3 days. When he came back he was cruel beyond belief, breaking my things and yelling at me that he never did think much of how I treated the family. Excuse me? Is this the same man who told me I shouldn’t be such a pushover. The same man who repeatedly said I needed to learn to say “no”? Is this the fellow who said I shouldn’t be such a “friend” to my kids? This “guy”, the one who always criticized my tolerance now said I’m mean, I’m a liar, I’m petty, I’m so hard on the kids that they all hate me. Something was definitely up. Yep, it was another woman. To make matters worse, someone I was close to. I told him the best thing for him, and her, would be to leave…..leave the state because if someone asks why we separated I would tell them the truth.

    Now this “husband” is saying “oops, my bad. Sorry” and expects me to “build a new relationship” with him. I cannot. I’ve tried. My life has been destroyed. There is no trust. I can’t stand for him to touch me. I feel erased, betrayed. He rubbed out my life and everything I thought I was working for. It’s been replaced by cruelty, mockery, tantrums and tyrannical outbursts that I’ve not seen matched, even by a 3 year old. I’ve had to protect my assets to ensure the children’s inheritance because he’s tried to gain control of them. When I suggest we need to end this game the ensuing chaos leaves me bewildered and feeling abused. He insists the relationship be fixed while, at the same time, does everything he can to rip it to shreds. It’s been 3 years…..I cry every day.

    Dear Web Site, thank you for listening

  • Angel

    My husband left me when I was delivering my baby.
    Things changed when he found out I was pregnant, He stayed at work and slept in his van and when at home never touched or slept with me. He must have planned every thing, because when I went to the hospital he donated all our belongings, even cars, he quit his job, cancelled all our insurance, credit cards, cleaned out savings. The only thing I had was the clothes on my back and maybe 45 dollars. He did leave me in a small box all his ID shredded . Last I knew he disappeared, last seen on a bus out of town. I was living on the street and I had social service take the baby and now she is with a temporary family, she’s warm and feed.. I’m trying to get back on my feet but it has been tough. I will never involve my life again with another man.

    • mary

      this exactly what my husband did to me, his in new jersey and im here at the Philippines, he got mad at me all of a sudden, he told me things that are not true, he abused me, ignored he didn’t respect me, etc, after that i knew something fishy is going on , yes he was chating with his ex gf in his high school days, now he said he doesn’t love me, the hardest part was i got sick bec of this trauma. i gave him everything, and he had ro leave me. what hurt me most is he brainwash our children and my family, that its my fault . since is very polite the way he talks with my children and family yhey believed him. now he left me for his girl . i have to stand up and support my children . i just hope my children would be on my side and see what was really going on. i have big plans for them, but if they continue in believing there father , it would hurt me.more i.hope they would help me as a single parent and stop believing there father and hating me. im a good mother , and i love my children unconditionally. the pain right now is hurting me. since it was only yesterday that there father told me that he doesn’t love me already .

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thank you for being here, and sharing what you’re going through. I know your experience will help other women who are experiencing the pain of being left by their husbands. Even if the husband was a jerk, it’s still a devastating betrayal to be left for another woman.

    May you experience the healing, peace, and freedom that only God can bring. May you see yourself as a beautiful child of God: loved, precious, and valuable. May you connect with Him, and let His peace and wisdom rule your heart and your life. May you find light, love, and joy as you move forward in your life. May you see with eyes of hope, compassion, and strength…and may you live in light and freedom.

  • Tracy

    I have a 4 month old baby boy. I found out about my husband’s affair when our son was four weeks old. Since then, he left me for this other woman. She is leaving her husband, whom she has three children with, for him. He blames me for our split. Says he never loved me, and stopped being attracted to me during the pregnancy. Says my pregnancy was all about me, and he was lonely. I’m still in the shocked phase. I’m focusing on my baby and taking it a day at a time.

    • Emily

      Thank you for your post, reading these posts from other women help me realize I am not alone. I just recently found out my husband was speaking/seeing another woman while our son and I are currently in a different state due to a job opportunity. We have had our issues off and on and I have been dealing with identity issues of being a mother and stay at home mom and just being lost and not knowing who I am. I guess my unhappiness affected the love and affection I showed him because he questioned whether I still loved him or not, and of course I did! Long story short he found someone else and said our marriage was over a long time ago which is just a stab to the heart… I am just trying to pick up the pieces and just praying every night that I heal and stay strong for my son…

  • Jen

    My husband left two years ago this month. Despite making huge strides in my life I am still struggling with the loss.
    We were together for 18 years of which we were married for 8.
    Our marriage was plagued with many problems the biggest of which were my inability to have children and his depression.
    Long story short, in the end he left me to be with another woman, someone he had a long term relationship with through a band he played in. We knew I one another and she had been to our home on numerous occasions.
    His leaving was very sudden and I learned of some financial deception and lies after he left. He told me we would make decisions about our relationship together and I even attended a counseling session with his therapist at his request. Shortly after that he stopped going to counseling and requested we divide our assets.
    The lies and cowardly nature of the break up, including the false promises have hurt me badly.
    I work so hard through my own counseling , to move past him and his role in my life. I am,doing so much better than I was last summer but am frustrated by my residual feelings of love and loss.
    I would like to date again, which I am finding challenging at this stage in life.
    I often find myself experiencing a profound feeling of loneliness. I have no family and no children. I have a wonderful circle of many friends but they a have their own families.
    Sometimes it helps to hear from other women who have experienced this as most of my friends have not. Thank you for this forum.

    • Ashara Dayne

      My heart goes out to you. My husband cheated, but the lies and deception are so much harder to deal with than the infidelity. I blame myself for never even suspecting it as a possibility, if I had I’d have probably realised far sooner. The truth only came out after our separation and even then only in dribs and drabs. And only because he cheated on her and she said she’d tell me if he didn’t. That was five years ago and he still lies/refuses to talk about her. He doesn’t live with her and claims he doesn’t want to but I know he spends a lot of money on her. Even now I hope he treats her the way he treated me as it would make her miserable and leave, but she clearly is just a gold-digger will put up with him until someone better comes along (unfortunately my cynical self now believes most people are like this). I feel completely destroyed by it because I felt like I was manipulated and deceived and had no chance, they were playing games where they both knew the rules and I wasn’t even aware I was involved. It’s the first time I felt any sympathy for Princess Diana. I just want her to disappear.

      • Annie

        I feel completely the same as you do. Why does it seem that these people just get away with all pain and betrayal that they caused? I’m angry, bitter and resentful. This woman stole my husband but seems to rewarded for bad behavior. Life Sucks!

        • Ashara Dayne

          I think it is a sad by-product of the ‘permissive society’ started in the 1960s. Of course it was wrong that young single women were forced to give up babies for adoption due to the shame of being an unwed mother, that and the shame of divorce was all due to the leftover repression of Victorian society. But we’ve swung too far the other way. While I feel sleeping around is fine if you’re single, and having babies outside of marriage shouldn’t be shamed, it’s now got to the point where too many people (seems like men to me, but I’m sure there are women who are the same-just not in my circle of friends- all his friends are philanderers or divorced) think the same rules apply even when you’re in a committed relationship. Men seem to think it’s easier to find someone new than to work on problems.
          My husband never tried to discuss or work on problems. In fact, he outright told me that he thought that it shouldn’t be necessary. Mainly because he wasn’t prepared to change and didn’t expect me to, either.

  • Nicole

    My husband of 17 years left me for a woman he had me while on a plane. I thought we were happy. He is military and was gone for 3 months. When he was gone he got drunk on night and slept with someone. Instead of telling me he kept it a secret. But he shared his guilt with this woman on the plane. He picked up the kids and I (yes we have to teens) and moved us 4000 to AK. Once here he said he needed some space. But that he would not leave me, he loved me, we would figure it out. I pushed him to take the space he needed, I didn’t know that he had been talking to the woman from the plane. Once I pushed he decided to pursue her and they formed a relationship. I found out about her the day after Christmas when she skyped him in the shower. He had left his computer on my counter. I confronted him and he said yes he loved her. He never really loved me . That he wanted a divorce. I love him with all my heart and know that that is not true. We were happy until he met her. We were strong. We were best friends. She knew he was married and talked to him anyway. Laura Smith. a teacher in Pine Grove took the love of my life. She is not in the same state as us. But she holds him. He says he didn’t leave our kids he just left me. But he really left us all. I miss him so much. I miss talking to him, dreaming with him, touching him. I am starting my life from scratch. I have always moved with him and put our family first instead of building a career. And now I feel like I am adrift without my anchor. In a new place, new job, trapped. My hope and dreams were all intertwined with him. I dreamt of sitting on our porch together enjoying each others company etc. The physical side of our relationship was strong as well and now that is gone. I just don’t know how it happened, how I didn’t notice, how I could have messed up the most important thing in my life. I still want to hope that he will see and come home. But what if he does not? I am loosing hope. I miss him and my life and my dreams.

    • rhonda

      I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t know what to say but I’m going through something very similar. Married 4 years, he gets a better job and he met another woman.He met her in April , left me in may and moved into her place in june.U have to pray and ask God to give you the strength beyond what is normal.I know it’s hard.Its been 3 months of separation.I miss his body, money.I see he doesn’t care at all about me.i finally stopped calling him and texting him.

  • nuraan

    It’s so sad to read all these stories, I always believed in the power of love but now I don’t know anymore. It’s been a year since I found out my husband of 9 years was living a double life. He cheated with a patient of his, he worked as an addictions counsellor in a rehab. He is a recovering her ion addict. I supported him and stood by hum all those years he was using and was so proud of him. We have two sons. He didn’t tell her we were married but lived together cos of financial reasons. When I found out she was 3 months pregnant. And they only met a few months before that. When I confronted her she told me they in love having a baby they soul mates, but she was on drugs at the time. I was devasted my world ended. Every night he would say his working or at AA meetings but actually was with her. My insanity begged him to stay. He didn’t he left to be with her. Months later I was trying to get my life together when I found him on my doorstep crying he can’t live like this, he lost his job had no money they lived with her mom and she was still battling with drugs. I felt sorry and took him in. He promised he broke things off. I found he lied. The baby was born. He again chose her and left. He has cheated before and left and I took him back. But this time was different there was a baby. She sends me emails and messages to leave him alone he is hers and will never leave him and even made him tattoo her name on him. Every time I try to move forward he keeps doing stuff that makes me go backwards. I pray everyday to forget I love him to be free of this pain. I blame myself for allowing him to take my power. And I blame myself for always having hope that he will come back when in reality he will never change. I leave it in God’s hands and live one day at a time and focus on my two little boys and most importantly ME. I deserve so much more!

    • rhonda

      I feel your pain. He lied , lied, lied.i asked him if he was seeing another woman.He said no. He said it’s me.He stayed out over night.He wouldn’t answer his phone . he says I was calling him too much. We always called each other. Many WOMAN HAVE THE Same problem….it’s sad.i never want to get yo get married again, nor can I trust a man.This is how I feel . He’s making good money now.He can give me and show how much he cares.Now it’s going to the other woman. Lies and deception.look at the way Jesus was treated. What do I expect. ..the man I married is a pig

  • Ashara Dayne

    This is so common. Why do they lie about there being someone else? When I found out my husband had been seeing someone else 5 years ago I was fine about it at first, as he’d already left.
    I spent years trying to figure out why he ignored me and the kids, coming up with excuse after excuse. It never occurred to me that he was seeing someone else.

    Even after he told me (which he only did because he’d cheated on her and she was so angry she threatened to tell me if he didn’t) he still lied about the timing and the nature of their relationship (I quizzed him about it-had they been away together etc).

    He lied and lied to the point where I thought she meant nothing, so I wasn’t bothered.

    But then she emailed me and the truth started trickling out. She lied too, but not as much.
    I finally discovered the truth when I found receipts for flights, hotel bookings, etc.
    When I realised it had been going on for a long time before he left I was devastated. He confessed to cheating ten years previously, too. Assuming they are the only times, it was when I had a small child.

    He hated how I struggled to cope with housework when I had a small child. The first was ok but the second and third I struggled. He never made allowances for when I was unwell.
    He still won’t discuss her but I know he spends a lot of money on her, she is a gold digger and he doesn’t even care.
    I still haven’t got over it and am unable to cope with life.
    He calls me unbelievably selfish when I demand he sell our 7000 sq ft home (which I hated as I couldn’t keep it clean & tidy) so that I can live in a nicer house (I live in a tatty dilapidated house which I hate as it’s too small – 1000 sq ft). What a joke! He has everything he wants while I have nothing.
    I wanted to move closer to my parents/brothers/aunt (we moved away for him in 87), but by the time he acknowledged the marriage was over (correction-I realised. He never said it was over and still hasn’t. He is incapable. His previous lover ended it when he refused to leave me for her), my children now refuse to move.

    It just seems to me that men just help themselves to what they want with no regard to who they hurt or what damage they do.

    I’m now too fat and old to get a new relationship but I hate men now anyway so I don’t really care. I’m just bitter that he just gets all he wants while I get nothing.

    He even pays for his gf to get cosmetic surgery/Botox etc. I think he’s one of these men who values men for their wealth and women for their looks. He just keeps his opinions to himself so I didn’t know. He does this because he just assumes everyone else believes exactly the same things he does, and if they don’t then they’re lying!!
    I know I’m better off without him but I’m angry that he waited until he’d found someone else. Some men just can’t be alone it seems.

  • Tunisian

    My name is Tunisian.; my husband of 11years has recently walked outta my life without saying anything. Juster moved in with another chick whom divorced her husband for mines. After all I’ve went through with him. His Drug addiction for many years I fought for him to beat. Rehab after prison then rehabilitate again I mean I believed. High hopes for us and with nothing said he dips on me and the kids. I’m so heartbroken and empty rite now and he don’t even care. Wont apologies to us. After I losted my home. He moved on with her. I’m so broken. I left my job. How long will this heartache last. Someone please hear me. Women with surely broken hearts now or past. I need some Mindanao advice. Before I do what I really want to do. SNAP.

    • rhonda

      Please don’t snap.my husband of 4 years who abused drugs and alcohol the whole time in our marriage has left me for another woman.He started a new job making good money.input up with his nonsense. He was only on the job 3 months when he met her.we were already having problems but he created them so we could argue.Atvthis time he’s drug free.He never went for counseling. He stopped for the job.this hurts me because he didn’t stop for him or our marriage. We are separated for 2 and a half months and he’s living with her.they only new each 4 months and they are in love.i caught him in a lie.i found out he was cheating and living together in one weekend.and he still tries to see me.i cutting all ties…it hurts very much

    • carleendaqueen

      Keep going it will be one day he will find out that shevwont do all the things u did for him just know he wasn’t the one for u its hurts but there is a reason for everything keep living the hard part will pass just love urself and ur children and stay strong

  • Sam

    You have to love yourself before you can move on. My husband of 15 years left me for a young girl amidst my battle with cancer. I cannot explain the feeling of abandonement. I had been there in his worst moments and carried him when he couldnt walk and now i felt short changed. He left the house and told me that he didnt know if he would end up with me again later in life but he just needed to find his peace.
    I begged him to stay with me even if we werent together as a couple until my therapy was over. He said he couldnt do that for me. That he was my friend and that i could count on him and i could call him.
    I was on my way home from an appointment and ended up stopping on the side of the road to vomit nut i didnt quite make it all the way out of the car. I called him and asked if he could pick up our daughter at camp so she wouldnt see me this way and he was brutal. He yelled at me, belittled me, saying i couldnt control his life and that my cancer was my problem.
    Well, i quickly learned that his 43 year old self had actually left me for a 26 year old who started spending time with my daughter just two weeks after he left me. At first i was in shock. My emotional health and anger didnt helped me focus on getting better and stronger to fight my cancer. I sometimes even tjought of dropping the treatment.
    Then one day i went to the doctor and she saw that my depression was out of control. She told me i needed to come to terms with my situation. She asked me if this is really the kind of man i wanted? A man who walks out when im at my worsrt? A man that treats me like i was a terrible wife and im diaposable? She said make a conscious decision to be happy and its ok to cry every now and then, but then wipe your face and go make happy happen.
    I am now only four months short of finishing my radiation. I have a strong support group and i remind myself how these people thatthat i barely know me are more reliable than him.
    I didnt need him to get better like I thought…i just needed to rely on me and give myself everything i had given him for 15 years…my self love.

    • haley

      I feel ur pain…same problem ..have cancer and he left..
      I pulled all the plugs even his job….don’t mess with a sick girl that got u in the family bussiness …so there goes his car n everything …lol 13 yrs n I feel better not allowing another women my things…I’m back to my job I want to vent n love me more than any man can…

  • Colleen

    It’s so helpful to read about other women going through the same thing. My husband of 14 years told me in January that he hasn’t been happy “for a while”. It was all so sudden. We have 3 beautiful children together and we were just getting ready to move into a brand new house we’d been waiting 3 years for. The whole time he was acting so happy to finally be getting our home!

    He came to pick me up from work and we sat in his car because he wanted to talk. He started by listing all the things I didn’t do for him that made him believe I didn’t love him anymore…I was blind sided. Where was this coming from? For a week we talked and cried and he wouldn’t change his story. Finally I asked again if there was someone else and he very reluctantly admitted that there was “someone he was starting to have feelings for”. After a week of blaming me I finally understood what the real reason was. And worst of all, this was not the first affair. When I was pregnant with our third child he started an affair that lasted almost 2 years before I found out. It was the worst time of my life (until now) but at the time I believed we could put our marriage back together. Now I feel like a complete fool.
    He was so convincing and made me believe that it was all a big mistake and he finally realized what he would be throwing away if he left me. So now here we are, 4 years later and it’s over. The minute I heard him say there was someone else, I knew…that’s the end. I couldn’t go through that again and I also knew that it’s who he is. So selfish, taking everything I had to give and not caring how much he hurts me.

    My mind tells me not to care, that it’s his issues and she’s not better than me…but I wish my heart would feel the same way. I’m humiliated, I feel worthless and ugly. I feel used up and like no one would ever want me now. I hate the thought of the two of them together and I think it’s so unfair that he made sure he found someone and secured a future for himself before he dumped me. I feel like garbage left on the side of the road.

    It’s been six months and I’ll admit, I cry a lot less now than in the beginning. Some days are better than others, It’s a bit like a roller coaster. I spend a lot of time with my supportive friends, keeping fit, and with my kids most of all. They are the true joy in my life! My self esteem is totally shot but I’m working on it. I’m trying to find myself again and not see myself in relation to my failed marriage, but see myself as a person. This isn’t the end, it’s a journey and hopefully a new beginning.

    • Evie

      Colleen, I can completely understand where you are coming from. I was married for eleven years and we have one child together. I found pictures on his phone and confronted him which he denied right up until we signed the divorce papers. The ink has not dried on the divorce and she is already spending the night with him at his apartmentm I just saw them together in the park today riding bicycles and she was riding my bike. I have since gone No Contact in order to heal myself from such a Narcissistic individual. I understand the roller coaster of emotions you are/were on. It takes time to move past such a devastating life altering experience. Best wishes on your Journey of recovery and remember to be kind to yourself. You are not alone!

  • Anna

    I have been with my husband for 20 years, married for 12. We were together since I was 13. He asked for divorce citing his reasons as he wanted to do things like go to Vegas, try new beers at bars, and things of that sort. He also said I was controlling and mean, which I admit was partially true but due to his alcoholism and my questioning whether he had been drinking. Later I come to find out that was not it at all, but rather he had been cheating with his co worker who is 10 years younger. The co worker has met me and my children before and worse yet I work with her mother. We have two girls, 5 and 8, and it has been so hard. He treats me like he doesn’t know me and talks down to me in a condescending manner. I feel like I don’t know him. He is even asking for alimony and he works a decent job not to mention that he is the one who cheated! I have spent a lot of time reflecting and wondering if there was something I could have done differently. Maybe if I wasn’t so hard on him about the drinking, if I dressed nicer, if I was skinnier. What pushed him into this girls arms? Yes he may not have been the best match for me but I was comfortable and we had built a life together. I have no clue of what it is like to be on my own since I was with him since I was 13. It also really bother me to think of him with someone else. I wonder if he treats her better than he treats me. I am just at a point that I can’t understand why.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Ale,

    You should listen to your heart and your gut, and do what you think is right. Your therapist is wrong for telling you what to do. A therapist’s job is NOT to give you advice and tell you that you should wait while your husband has his affair!

    Counselors should never tell you what decisions to make in your life. Rather, they should teach you how to listen to your heart and make smart decisions so you decide if you should get a divorce on your own. You need to learn how to assess the various reasons for divorce, and decide what you need to do with your life.

    Your therapist’s job should be to give you tools that you can use for all life decisions – not just if you should get divorced or not – and teach you how to trust yourself.

    I wrote this article for you: http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/reasons-to-divorce-should-i-get-divorced/

    I hope it helps, and wish you all the best as you move forward. I also encourage you to think about talking to a different therapist. I know it’s a pain to find someone new, re-establish a relationship, etc…but I really believe your therapist is out of line for telling you that you should wait for your husband’s “mid life crisis” to end.

    Follow your heart, trust your gut. You are the expert on you and your life! Take time to connect with God, and ask Him what His plan for your life is. Make decisions that bring you peace — even if they’re hard!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Michelle

    I am the same as all of you 42 days ago, my husband came home to tell me he hasn’t been happy for 2 years (very shocked over this because we were always having fun) when I asked why wasn’t he happy I never go a true answer. We talked for several hours and I still didn’t get any answers. When I asked if there was another women he said he had no time for that. It only took me 24 hours to find out there was indeed another women the new girl he works with. He cut me off like I never existed to him or mattered and wouldn’t communicate with me. I tried everything but all he cares about is this other women now. I feel like I have wasted 15 years of my life caring and loving someone that I don’t think ever cared about me or the two dogs we got together. I will never understand how a person can do this. I just know I want to shut my brain off and stop thinking why, how, when…..
    Why this happened?
    How do people hurt another person and not even care what they have done?
    When will the hurt stop and when will I stop crying?
    I am trying to stay strong around all my support, but I don’t know how much longer I can last I am about to crumble.

    • Vanessa

      Michelle,
      The reaction of your man was the exact same as mine wrote me off as if i did not exist.. it is now up to six different lies about why he broke it off but everyone and myself know that if you break it off and move in with a new girl the day you move your stuff out.. obviously something was set up and going on more than ‘just friends hanging out.’ It is gut wretching, you feel that you cannot ever shut your mind off, it never leaves, i wake up with nightmares, night tremors, and night sweats. Anxiety in my stomach 24/7 and to think this nightmare is my reality every morning is completely miserable

      • Michelle

        Vanessa:
        I can tell you all that you’re going through it will go away. I still have sad days I’m human, but they don’t come like they use too. Get yourself a great support group and do things you never did before. I never did much for myself because he thought it was stupid or lame. I have done more for myself in the last 2.5 months than I did in the 15 years we were together. I made him my world (and end then end it still wasn’t enough) he walked away with a snap of a finger. But when people say you’re better off without him I’m starting to see they are 100% correct. I promise you it will get better and day by day he’ll just be a memory and your closing that chapter in your life. The best is yet to come.

  • Michelle

    Hi ladies,

    Your post made me want to tell my story. My husband of 16 years kicked me out of our home 3 months ago, everything he said to me that night was all lies. I believed him but thank goodness for women’s intuition it only took me 30 hours to figure out he was having an affair with a new girl at work. I’ve heard this is her 6 marriage she has broken up. We have no kids thank goodness. Im just trying to understand it all and process it. I question things everyday. I wonder how a man who was happy 4 months ago lets another women come in and he just doesn’t love me anymore? Everyone says move on he is a dirtbag, I wish I could snap my fingers and forget everything about him. I wish a lot of things. Him and the OW already tell each other they love each other. The night he kicked me out or as he put it “give me time” she came over and he had her in our bed. I’ve seen their messages and he begged her to leave her husband and she finally did. I feel like everyone is okay with what they have done. I don’t have support groups in our town, but talking to women going through the same thing will be good for me. I want to know how you cope, stop the constant thinking, letting go and getting rid of the hurt, hate and anger.

    • Leanna

      I know exactly how you are feeling. I have been married for almost 19 years. My husband walked out on me 10 months ago and it has been the hardest time of my life. I had discovered his affair with a woman that is 15 years younger than him. When I questioned him he moved out saying he has not been happy for 3 years, which happened to be the same time we were going to have another baby. He was unexpected but a true blessing. We have a 17 year old and a 3 1/2 year old. We thought we were never going to be able to have another baby as I had 4 miscarriages. I feel he is going through a mid life crisis. He still denies the affair but she has been traveling with him and she is always with him. Even so much that she is now hanging out with my brother and sister n law. I feel betrayed by everyone. I continue to pray and hope my husband wakes up and realizes what he is giving up.

      • Michelle

        It’s so hard. I don’t understand how a person can hurt another person so deeply and they don’t care. I feel like I never existed to him. People keep train me what I want to hear. Like what comes around goes around and just wait karma will get him. I feel like no one thinks he is doing anything wrong. I just hate it. I can’t bring myself to listen to music because it was one of our favorite things to do. I also can’t go to the store because I seen him with her shopping together. They go on dates and do everything together and they both are not even divorced yet.

        • Vanessa

          Michelle,
          Everything you have posted is exactly what I feel and have experienced down to the whys and what the hells? To go from loving and happy to a place where I dont exist.. how can you do such a thing???? It is a hurt that is indescribable it is a train that hits you the blade thats cutting you and you pray and try to stay positive but every hour is a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions. The karma to come back around is what keeps me going but I do still get angry because well… if he’s “happy” with another woman ignoring me taking her out all over where our friends see and you leave who you loved to move with her then will karma come? When you’re laying with her or doing something do you ever consider me? The reality is no…. they don’t care and at times people say “men suppress and deal with it later women deal with the emotions now” well… what if they never deal or think about it? You find yourself still giving the situation energy and worry that will go no where. I hate the feeling when people act like it is just nothing when they see him too but in the end… we need to be sure WE are happy not them, they made their choice, they made their bed and can lay in it. I can’t even go to the store yet by myself or drive without thinking I will see him or his car.
          The killer of my situation is that he met his woman paying a cable bill and began to flirt, she tried to be friends with me, and one day I saw her eyes looking at him and I knew. Sure enough he said it wasnt cauz of her he has been unhappy for months (couldve fooled me) and lied to everyone that he moved in with his sister… nope STRAIGHT into her apartment and her bed!

        • Carol

          My husband also moved out of house shortly after I found out he cheated on me. And is still with her! I think they are living together. I found out about it April 26!2015. And here it July 4th. I moved out of the marital home a few weeks later. He keeps leading me on, during this time I see pics on her Facebook.. Her in the boat, his truck, their apartment. We have a son together and he hasn’t helped us out at all. This is so hard and stressful….make it all go away

          • Michelle

            Carol :
            It will go away I promise. Get yourself a good support group. Block them on Facebook. You’re just hurting yourself looking at their nonsense. I’ve had to tell friends that are still friends with my stbx on Facebook I don’t need to hear about his life. Keep yourself busy. Do things for you. But I promise you will heal. I still have days where I’m sad. I’m also human. The way I see it. This is a chapter in my life I have to go through its a sucky chapter, but I can’t change the past all I can do is live each day to the fullest and look forward to the next chapter in my life. Not to spoil the ending you’re going to be OK!

          • Lee

            I’m praying for all of you and myself… its funny when your in pain you always think your the only in the world that going through it. Guess what your not alone, and just think today somewhere in world someones life will change because of their husbands sad senseless choices of action. My husband of 6 years left me almost 2 yrs ago, we had a miscarriage, then we healed together, i though we as was happy he always been good to me,and out the blue things seemed off, come to find out he admitted he cheated with his coworker shortly after he moved in with her told me his happiness wasn’t with me. My heart dropped he became cold, then ruthless and started t. defend her like as if she was me. then later she got pregnant now the baby is 7 months we tried to have a family of our own just months prior. what monster does that to his wife. With God Im healing,and moving on. I now relocated to another state to start fresh it wasn’t easy I get my days however the blow has lessened. I don’t contact him or nothing i been silent, ill let God deal with him. I still cry but I trust God and my process. Please beautiful ladies… just know you are loved and you will get through it. Also forgiveness is key for yourself and to live again. overall just know your not alone…

            Blessings!

    • Sharon

      Hi ladies
      I totally understand every comment and feeling, where to begin, my husband and I had been together 30 years until I caught him cheating via a text message and because I wanted to believe him when he said they were only “friends” the kiss they had was a drunken mistake, even to the point of desperation to save my marriage and wanted him to love me the way I loved him I even sat in their company (often), believed the lies until I caught them again, again both drunk and same excuse used, this caused so many arguments and he wouldn’t break contact so as hard as it was I told him it was over, he moved into the spare room hoping on my part that this was just a mid life crisis and he would see our marriage was worth fighting for…how wrong was I, for 7 month he remained in the home coming and going whenever he wanted, feeling like my nose was being rubbed in it everyday as he was still seeing this other person but coming home to all the comforts until for me enough was enough and I told him to leave, this affair ( he still to this day denies it) had gone on for nearly 2 years, for me 2 years of the most gut renching pain of my life. He moved into his own place 5 month ago just 5 min walk either side of both me and her and although for me broke my heart I now realise it was the best thing I could have done for me. It’s unbelievable how much he has changed and definitely not the man I’ve known all my life, the cheat and liar he never was. I got the ‘I will always love you’ line too much of a coward to admit he didn’t want to be with me anymore which I wanted to believe soooo much, I still have bad and painful days but they are getting less, slowly I am getting on with my life and certainly wouldn’t want to go back to where I was and this is what I tell myself every time I miss him, he is living a lie still sneaking about with a home wrecking tramp who clearly doesn’t want to commit to him but I’m also learning to respect me as he couldn’t and telling myself often that I won’t be second best to anyone, I’m taking 1 day at a time and getting stronger by the day as I know you all will, good luck to everyone going through the same nightmare xx

  • ale

    My husband left me for another woman or I kick him out three months ago. I have been feeling desperate, sad, depressed, everything. I’m on `professional therapy and it has helped me a lot to get through this nightmare. The thing is that my therapist says that I should no ask for the divorce yet, since she advises me that the affair is not going to last and that he is having a middle age crisis. That I should wait. But lately I been having thoughts that even though he was a good hearted person he has changed, treats me like dirt and I feel he doesn’t deserve me. I should not wait for him to realize how much I care about him and love him. I have read so many articles about the affairs and that they do not last but the wait time is at least two years!!! I cannot imagine myself waiting for him that long, he doesn’t deserve me or our kids. We have three kids that really miss him. It is not fair.
    Should I wait because at the end it might be worth it or should I file for divorce???

    Thanks.

    • Em

      My husband has been w her for 2 years since I found out and left. We’re still married, have a preschooler. I told him the affair would be short lived and that he would miss his family. Truth. Now she’s moving out, (guess she got tired of being an option too because he’s been trying to make me the OW-professing love and I miss you’s the whole time they were together.) For the longest time, I felt obligated to uphold my commitment to the marriage and wait it out, but this is the 2nd affair, different woman I found out about.) Ultimately it takes two. One person can’t fight for the marriage. When I did, he told me to move on and I did. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS! He waited for me to become an option before he left her, if at all. Of course he’s going to mourn the loss of their relationship and still have feelings for her and never ve happy with either choice.

      Guess what that makes me? A rebound from his affair. The man needs to be alone. And so do I. Don’t do it. Don’t wait it out. You still being there validates the behavior. I’m not that girl anymore. I know exactly what you are feeling-you still owe it to the marriage, but you dont. Don’t make someone a priority who makes you an option. Yes, he might realize his mistake once you are no longer an option but that doesn’t mean he’s willing to do the work to address the marrital issues that led to the affair in the first place.

      And are you really willing to be that snoopy insecure wife? Will you both be able to get passed the anger constructively or will you punish him for the affair the rest of the marriage? Can you really trust him again? That’s what happened-i never got passed the first affair so I punished him with my anger which led to the second affair. There was no hope for real recovery. Before we didn’t have a kid. Now we do, which both makes me irreplaceable and yet I wonder why a man would wait till he was married with child to hook up witha chick he’s apparently known for years.

      If your husband honestly finds fault with his actions and does everything imaginable to woo you, get help and gain your trust back after it’s all said and done- give yourselves more time and space to grieve the passed and perhaps you both might see how much you’ve grown apart and that you are no longer compatible with him even if you have a family. Personally, I’m an honest person and I’m not compatible with a man who continually lies to himself to justify his actions. It was never my move and it’s not yours either. Look at his actions more than words.

      I’m thankful for the blessing in disguise that was the affair. It showed me that we were a bad match and that his answer to marrital problems was an affair rather than seek help. Sometimes you have to choose the lesser of two evils-heartbreak or stay in a toxic relationship.

    • Em

      P.S. My husband is 41. I’m about to be 30. Yes, there was some midlife crises stuff on his end. But he has a pattern and a long track record of women. Our relationship is great now, we get along and my son’s bond with his dad is stronger now that he gets one on one time. I don’t see his affair partner girlfriend for the 2 years they’ve been living together, (smoke and mirrors on his part-trying to keep her out of my sight and out of my mind apparently,) although I did confront them both when it first happened and demanded they look me in the eye and give me a sincere apology.) Either way, I’m happier on my own and our son has transitiioned well although he still sometimes says he wants us to live together again. I have my own place, been starting to tackle the things for myself that housewife life didn’t leave any room for. My house is clean, I come and go as I please and I no longee have a criticizing husband who’s never happy with anything I do for him or for myself. Yeah, I’m done being “the cool non jealous wife.”

  • Camilla

    Dear Okianne
    Four months ago my live-in boyfriend left me for another woman. He and his two kids moved out shortly after.
    The OW was the one who contacted me telling me about their three month affair.
    A month prior he had told me that he didn’t think things between us were going so well. I was dumbfounded. I really thought we were happy. I asked him several times if he was seeing someone else, but he denyed it. We ended up crying in each other’s arms where he told me that it was us forever and that of course he loved me, more than anything.
    So the following month was very intense. We really reconnected and were intimate every single day.
    The night before ‘she’ wrote me, he told me he loved me and that he had made plans for our Summer vacation (6 months later).

    The Next day everything changed. The text came in and he broke down and admitted everything.
    I reached my hand, telling him I thought we were better than that and that I would find it my heart to forgive him, if he loved me.
    But he couldn’t. It was almost like he was broken. He cried as much as I did. But he still left.

    Now he doesn’t want me to see the kids, who I have known for 6 years, since they were 5 and 9 years old.
    He is still with her, and although everyone I know tells me he is misrable and that they will not last, he has made no attempt to reconsile.

    I am beyond grief.
    I have been seeing a psychologist and I have experienced an overwhelming support of love and affection from everyone I know.
    They are all shocked because they really thought, as did I, that we very a very loving and loyal couple.

    I don’t really think it’s going all that better, four months later. Sure I sleep better, but it’s still hard to get our of bed sometimes. The hårdest part is to focus. I can only do that a few minutes, than he enters my mind once again and dreaming of him and our life is all that I seem to do.

    After having dated two years he told me he didn’t want any more kids. I was sad, but I didn’t want to Loose him, so I gave up having kids for his sake, and now I feel betrayed and lonely, having perhaps missed the opportunity to have kids of my own. I am 43 and not to keen on being a single mom, even though some have suggested I go have a kids now.
    But that is just too much to take in right now.

    I feel betrayed because not only did he lie and cheat but he didn’t do anything to salvage our relationship, I feel he should have worked harder considering what I gave up to be with him, but also because we had a lot of Things going for us, even he will admit to that.
    I
    Everyone tells me ha’s changed, that he doen’t laught much around her, but that they think he will go a very long distance in his new relationship to justify what he did, even though he’s not happy.
    I can’t say, maybe he is just really happy and this is the new him. The OW has always been his least favourite type of woman and everything he says and does is the exact opposite of everything he’s ever stood for before.

    He turned 48 years last year and got promoted a year ago, it was a difficult year because he became more stressed than ever before, but he only blames ME for not being happy in the relationship, not his new job.
    I didn’t even know we were unhappy. Maybe naively, but never the less, I thought our love was strong enough to endure anything. Well, at least mine was.

    I feel like the last month we were together he really wanted to stay with me, and the OW sensed that, Thus the text where she told me about the affair.
    However, he still chose to leave so maybe the love just wasn’t there.
    I don’t see him but I bumped into him in the street the other day and he still can’t look me in the eyes. Shame, I guess.

    It was a mixture of wanted to hug and kiss him, telling him how much I still love and miss him, and wanted to kick the crap out of him… I did neither.
    I just stood there thinking that I will have to learn to love him from afar. Him and his kids.
    The loneliness of that thought is overwhelming.
    I can’t imagine my life without him and watching him move on, miserable or not, is most of the time too much to bear.
    I wish he hadn’t told me that he loved me and that we were forever so shortly before it all happend, because that is what I remember and what still confuses me.

    Would I take him back – heck yeah. Would it be easy – hell no.
    But since I probably will never get the chance then I guess that it’s one thing I don’t have to worry about.
    Therapy is good, my friends are amazing and my family have moved heaven and earth to make me happy. But I’m not.
    Losing the love of your life, I guess will take time to overcome. Losing the two kids I loved is unbearable.

    What’s a girl to do?

    • Pathetic

      Try a 40 year marriage, A high school sweetheart 16 and 18, four grown amazing kids, putting him through college, post grad and medical school. An affair with a patient that made international news and dragged my family through the mud. Legal problems because of said affair. Lying about the affair right under my nose because I worked full time in his office. Another year of lying because he was meeting with an attorney regarding the case. Being in marriage therapy for a year, and waking up one day to a second cell phone in our marital bed, a pay as you go phone, and finding out there has been another woman the whole time you were in therapy. He packed a small bag and left the house. “I’m not happy, I haven’t been in a long time” He does not take my calls, does not respond to e-mails, says he still loves me but won’t give up other whore is by the way is 30 years his junior. He stopped almost all contact with 4 kids. Won’t be honest with anybody about anything. Heartbroken, destroyed, and can’t figure out why this happened to me at 60 years old. i was looking forward to the next part of our life together, now at 61 I am alone and lonely. We were fighting a long, but I never expected any of this. My kids have been unbelievably great. Most friends have run the other way. A few have been my lifesaver, literally. I understand exactly your pain. Would I take him back, yep, but that is really pathetic and just asking for more hurt. Haven’t stopped crying in six months. Don’t know when I will stop crying. I hope you find some kind of peace or at the very least a way you can put it in your mind that will make sense. I have read post after post about this, especially men in their 60’s. They all use the same line. Psychologist, Psychiatrists, meds, etc. nothing works. Anxiety through the rough. I wake up in the morning and start crying immediately. I will cry out of nowhere, just about everywhere I am, uncontrolled. I just want this pain in my chest to go away. Wishing you wel

      • Camilla

        I certainly wish you well also!
        I just found out that my ex has already dropped his new girlfriend like a hot potato because apparently she didn’t quite turn out to be this amazing, understanding woman afterall. Quite the opposite.
        Because when everything comes down to it, a mistress will not act that differently from a wife, when their relationship becomes everyday in their relationship.

        So she is out of the picture, and I know from mutual friends that he wrote to them, saying he had finally realized what an idiot he had been and that he was sorry for all the pain he had caused.
        He hasn’t contacted me, though. I take it out of shame.

        But I am still kind of waiting for the excuse, although I know from everything I have learned and read online, that it will probably not come, so I guess I will settle for the fact that he wrote to someone else and admitted his wrongdoings.

        I really hope he takes some time to reflect about what he threw out – and for what? A relationship that lasted less than 6 months.

        Worth it?
        I am still hurting and missing the man I believed him to be, but he probably does not exist any longer.

        For those of you out there, it’s been 5 months since he left me, and I am finally feeling just a little bit better- just a little bit, but still. The knot in my stomach is not as tight and I find myself laughing more.
        So hang on – there’s is hope!

        • ale

          Hi Camilla. I hope everything works out for you!! You gave me hope that everything is going to be ok, at the end. May be not right now but eventually.
          I’ll hang on.!

      • sadtoo

        Pathetic that is the saddest thing… I’m crying everyday everywhere too..married 18y replaced coldly children ignored I’m treated as if I never existed.. I’m 53.. feel like I’m.100.. please update us did it ever get better????

  • Gudrun

    I need some advice as well. My husband left his ex-wife 7yrs ago with 3 small children. I’ve met and married him about 4-5yrs ago. This past February he went on vacation to meet his kids for the 1st time in all these years. After coming back he told me that he wants to go back to his kids to give them a better life. Apparently his kids and his Ex made him feel bad about leaving years ago and no to make himself feel better he is leaving me to go back to them. I’m really confused, because he says he still loves me, but he also loves his kids and want to be there for them. Unfortunately his kids live in Australia.

  • Tan

    My husband is a RAT – after 14 years of marriage he decided to end it with me after having an affair with an Thai hooker on and off for 4 years.(I took him back and forgave so many time!) Its the way he did it that hurts the most, the lies and deceit were incredible!. Left me homeless after selling our house and running with the profits to be with her! I thought about suicide, i was told to my face that I wasnt enough of a women for him and that I never would be…:( He said he didn’t love me and was going
    anyhow Karma already working , he’s out of money and now struggling…. I have been a mess but slowly getting myself together, with a job and a place to call home. (i actually now make more money than he did) Take my advice… A leopard never changes it spots! get out with your dignity intact and don’t ever look back. its hard, but just remember they don’t care about you and have created their own path of destruction – let them destroy themselves. its quite fun to watch…..

  • Cristina

    Hi, I am not sure if I ever should comment, as I have no proof of my husband walking out on me and our 3 year old daughter for someone else. But I have always suspected that he was seeing someone as he was going out until really late, even taking once a mystery taxi that his friends thought was a taxi home but he never came home and said he ended sleeping in the couch of a friend of a friend (who I don’t know and obviously never asked him further about). He stopped having sex with me probably since the birth of our daughter, hardly ever picked up the phone when he was out drinking with friends and coming back all drunk at crazy hours so I always suspected he was with someone. We have been separated for over 7 months, and 2 months ago he told me he was seeing someone and that it was quite steady and serious. Funny enough, he said this to me and was not even 2 months since the time he said he met her. I asked him to tell me if he met someone else as I thought this would help me move on, but it had the opposite effect because I kept thinking that he left me for her. Call me paranoid, but 3 weeks after he first broke the news (by whatsapp, and in retaliation for asking him to be more responsible with visitation times and communication), he asked me for permission to introduce this woman to our daughter. It baffled me. Was this relationship so solid in less than 2 months that he needed to introduce this woman in my daughter’s life? As confusing as this can be for a toddler who hasn’t yet understand what’s happened and refuses to believe we are not together anymore? Sent him some information about what experts recommend to do in these situations, that is to wait until a relationship is super solid to introduce a new partner into a child’s life, but he was furious and wouldn’t even bother reading the links and extracts from a book I sent him by email. He told me that all this was a load of bullshit that “marital affairs happen all the time and saying something is too soon or not is just a load of bullshit”. Obviously this has been haunting me since then and the only explanation I have for his request to get them to know them so soon is because he left me for her. We separated in september and in june he was talking about having another child and we were considering moving city and even went to see some houses. He is being very responsible with child maintenance and I keep thinking that he does this driven by guilt. The only reason for leaving me is that I was grumpy and nagging, you know, the typical blown out of proportion excuse that men who don’t want to be responsible in a marriage and with helping in the house have. I think he will never tell me the truth, and the fact that he has moved on so quickly after 7 years and has this urgency to share the time he has at weekends with this woman makes me think he didn’t had the courage to tell me he was leaving for someone else. To be honest, the excuse for the separation was so so silly. We had been having a hard time for the last 3 years, but the actual incident that was the cause of the separation is nothing compared to bigger arguments in the past. So I am confused, heartbroken and deeply sad. I moved to his country and left everything and everyone for him and now I am in a country where everything reminds me of him, and I am unable to leave to go to mine as it’s so far away that would mean that my daugther would never be able to see her dad, if lucky once a year and that is not fair for her.

  • Jenie Lim

    to all the women whose husband left you for another woman, just remember its not the end of the world. we women should be living for ourselves and not for someone else. if you are not their priority, just don’t make them your priority. i was there before and i still feel pain now when i think of the cruel words my x said to me. but being a mother of 3 i know i have to be really strong. “sometimes the right path is not the easiest one”-from grandmother willow.

    limjenie.blogspot.com

    i hope all woman will live for themselves like me. hope my blog above will help to inspire people with the same plight to move on positively. live your own life

    • Vanessa

      Oh goodness Jenie you hit it on the head! if youre not a priority then they shouldnt be. I decided that the next person I get serious with and allow into my life i WILL be a priority, i WILL be treated with dignity and respect, and i WILL be able to trust and love just like i know i can and deserve to show someone and them to me. It hurts and is so hard to imagine it happening but we all know someday sometime it will happen. Drudging through the mud and remembering the harsh words or hurtful comments, the tears, the hurt, the embarrassment, betrayal, abandonment…. it is an unreal nightmare that is a reality! keep you HEADS HIGH LADIES! you only live once so please remember you!

  • cinthya

    My husband leaft me 6 months pregnant for another women i dont know what to do i know i might sound very dumb because i want him bad please sone one tell me howbto get over this pain

    • Lisa

      Cinthya,
      This isn’t a person you really want, your better than that. A person that can walk out on you while pregnant with his child is not the right person for you. Its painful right now but one day soon enough the pain will be gone.
      You will be okay, much better things a head for you. This I know!

    • Sam

      Cynthia my heart goes out to you. My partner had two affairs when I was pregnant and I found out at 8 months. I had him back but it’s been hell. He’s repeatedly cheated and left me several times. I don’t have proof but I know he’s on dating sites snd has a phone he thinks I don’t know about. I just want to say that part of me wishes I’d never let him come back the first time as now he has no respect at all. I’m trying to get over it but I’m scared of being alone snd I am mourning the life I thought we would have as a family. I believe it will get better and it’s just a matter of time xx keep strong

    • Monica

      Cinthya i feel your pain. I’m 7 months pregnant and my husband left me for someone else last month. It’s been so difficult because i never imagined he would leave me especially while i was pregnant. I myself does not know what to do. It’s so hard because no one wants to go through a pregnancy alone without their husband. I to would have taken him back but the fact is he doesn’t want to come back. He’s out enjoying the trill with her while i’m left her to deal with this pregnancy and pick up the pieces. It’s so hard because i’m am so scared when it is time to have the baby what’s going to happen, will he be there, will he just come and visit and then leave, will i be alone without him at nights with the baby. It’s so stressful and i feel so bad and scared for putting this baby under stress too. How are you coping?

    • C

      Going through the same. 8 months pregnant, due next month. I have a 2 and 3 year old. My husband has left us for someone he has been seeing since January. He continued to lie but I found out accidentally, now he finds it hilarious. He became verbally, emotionally and physically abusive when I saw him – I am just lucky he worked in another country or the abuse could have been much worse. He was fine in December and one day he just changed. He has had an affair, the woman knew I was pregnant and that I had two young kids (she is in her twenties) and is completely fine with the situation and understands he is a ‘package deal’. I mean WHAT. My babies do not go with him AT ALL. If she thinks she is getting her claws into my babies then she has another thing coming.

      I still feel ill on a daily basis, some days are better than others. I have had to move back to my ‘hometown’, somewhere where I haven’t lived for ten years. I will likely be living on a council estate after living a nice and comfortable life. I am just in complete shock how he can do this to me and the children.

      Some days I struggle. He has his new care-free life where he can shut the door after work and has no responsibilities other than to enjoy time with his new companion. I have the kids to look after daily which is hard, I doubt I will meet anyone new for a long time as I really will be a ‘package deal’ that cannot offer time for my new partner like he can. Yet, he wants to come back and play happily families and wants full rights to his children.

      I just want to go back in time and not marry him. I can’t believe he is putting me and the kids through this.

      I don’t think I will ever understand. When I was suspicious he told me I was ‘sick in the head’ to think he could do something like that and had the whole world believe that I was delusional. I was right. When I confronted him when I found out and I asked how he could do that to us, he said ‘ I don’t know. Just know I just can’.

      He has obviously told his parents a different story. But he admitted to me he slept with her straight away on first meeting. It was someone from work.

      We will never know the whole truth. Just know that some men are just arseholes.

      • Annabel

        Actually men like these are narcissists . They are people who are empty inside, always looking for the next fix . They are addicted to excitement , newness and anything but peace. They have no ability to feel love nor empathy . Eventually the same will happen to her.
        It’s devastating to realise this but ultimately freeing . Don’t be tempted to have him back in this case as you would let yourself in for more of the same. They cannot change . It is a disorder .
        All you can do is heal yourself and be an agent of your own change or we will keep attracting the same type

        • Annabel

          The red flags that he is actually a narcissist are:
          Quickly into new relationship after a one night thing
          Ability to just do this without conscience ” because he can”.
          Trying to accuse you of being “sick in the head” ” delusional “. Trying to convince others you were . All examples of “gas lighting” .
          I’m guessing you also carried all the home load, walked eggshells around him, lived with anxiety you couldn’t put your finger on .
          These are all red flags of narcissism personality disorder

          • Vanessa

            Annabel,
            You are so dead on! in addition I was the payer of all the bills and going out. He worked and paid half of a few bills but never came close to what I had to cover, then he goes and jumps into another divorcee’s life in her apartment with her dog, just jumps to another person’s life and RUNS from responsibility.. THEY ARE RUNNERS we are FIGHTERS.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    May you find peace, acceptance, and hope as you move into this new stage of your life. It’s shattering to accept that your husband left you for another woman – especially when you have kids to care for. I can only imagine how difficult it is to balance your heartbreak with your love and responsibility for your kids.

    My prayer is that you find ways to process your pain and grief, and protect your kids from the adult emotions that separation and divorce brings. May you find strength, hope, and faith as you make decisions that will affect you and your kids’ lives. I pray for guidance and wisdom, courage and support from surprising sources! May you find helpful resources, family counselors, divorce lawyers or mediators, divorced mom support groups, books, and even blogs that help you deal with the shock and pain of rebuilding your life after your marriage ends.

    May you find the silver lining in this dark cloud – and may you start to heal and be hopeful for your future. Good things are in store for you, after the storm ends.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Natalie

    My husband of 7yrs and partner for 12yrs left me 4 weeks ago for someone he only met a few weeks before. We have a 6yr old son together whom I have to care whilst having my heart shattered. We always had a loving relationship and he never complained about a thing, even when I asked him if he was sure that he was ok. When I approached him about this other woman that had wangled her way into his life, he said he was so confused because he is happily married and loves his family. But then he refused to go for marriage counselling and left our family home. He has cut off all family and friends, and is cold and cut off towards me. He is seeing a psychologist, but I am sure he is probably just using her to justify his actions. I believe in marriage and the commitment I made to him, but 4 weeks later and no response from him, I have been left with no choice but to request that he divorces me, as he is making it clear he does not share the same belief system as i do in marriage (even though when we did counseling before our wedding he seemed not to have a problem with commitment). Our son is totally confused and hurt, the 3 of us were inseparable and then 1 day his Dad just left and wont say if he is coming back. My son can only do counselling once my husband has committed to a decision, which seems to be divorce.
    I know that he is not the person I thought he was and that I deserve to be with someone who is better than this, but I still miss the man I loved for 12yrs, and the idea of having had a loving husband and Dad for my son. It is all just so utterly confusing having to go through this with a child who deserves better.

    • Desha

      Natalie,
      I’m 7 years married, 12 years together as well. My husband left me 6 weeks ago and is already living with another woman. Unlike you, we struggled through the last year…he became very cut off from the marriage…but the pain of loosing the love of my life is hard to cope with. When I think I’ve hit rock bottom in the pain department…I find even a darker place. Everyone is telling me that time will heal…but the problem is getting to that time! We will get through this!

  • Annonymous

    You guys are the best! About a month ago, which was about a month after bring told by my same sex partner of 20 plus years the he wanted a divorce I found and posted a comment on this site. I was in a pretty bad place then. I am so grateful for Annabel replying to me and letting me know that she understood my pain. i am so grateful to have found so many beautiful voices express our common pain, hopes and trials on this site. It really helped me see that I am not alone and there is light at the end of divorce. It’s been about two months now since his announcement and I cannot belive already the progress I have made. I read everything I can on the topic which has helped tremendously. Today, I am able to and continue to be emotionally detached from him and started focusing on taking back my strength, dignity, and care and concern. I now do everything I can to prepare for my future, while at the same time accept and even look forward to the charthotic soul healing that frequent crying provides me with. We still live together as I await financial settlement and rarely if ever speak. At first, the silence felt very uncomfortable but now I accept it as a gift for me to listen to my own thoughts of what I plan for my future. You know guys 2 months ago, I felt so humiliated by his actions because I felt as if I had GIVEN him all of me and he discarded it. But since then I’ve realized that I never Gave him me. No! Instead what I did was LEND him my trust, my love, my joys, my passions, and hoped that he would know how to care for these gifts. Well….he didn’t! So now My focus has been on Reclaining what I lent him and using my gifts to forge into my future. I know I have a long road to recovery ahead of me, but I am grateful for days like these when I feel strong and positive and thought I would share my experiences with everyone here so that we continue to support each other with realizations that WE WILL AND CAN GET THROUGH THIS and that it does get better.

    With much love to all of you….

    • Annabel

      You write so eloquently and thoughtfully about the stage you are at right now and as you say , it is another stage of a long journey .
      This learning to be emotionally detached is just such a great step . I too am living in the same house but practising detachment . It is amazing our capacity to learn something we never thought possible.
      Anyone we have ever loved will remain a part of us in some way but our love was strong and true so that’s why.
      One day we may view it as part of our life’s journey and an opening up of our life especially if they were controlling .
      As you say so well, we only lent who we are . We are still ourselves with all our talents and capacity to love
      May you find joy again

    • rhonda

      L love your words.i previously wrote s out my husband and his infidelity. He came over the other day.I was happy to see him, he was happy to see me.he Said HE NEEDS To Talk To me.We hug and kiss each other, bcuz i still miss him.although he’s done terrible things to me.I get in his car his , we get somthing to eat.On the way back, in his car he shows me a bag and it papers . He’s filing for divorce. I was stunned.yet he tells me ho.lives me and misses me.i guess the OW has given him a choice. Bcuz at some point he was still trying to see me.Im hurt , but I know I’m better off.Bcuz he has a crack habit . He been doing crack for many years now.And has a good job.you see I know all his ways.but I will never put myself in this predicament again.I will get my papers and we have nothing more go say to each other. I will be good to myself love myself , heal myself..Ll the best to all of you and keep your head up , be strong

  • Laurie

    May you find strength and acceptance, especially if you’re still broken because your husband left you for another woman. I pray for peace, strength, and wisdom – and for the courage to keep moving forward even though you’re heartbroken that your marriage fell apart.

    May you grieve the end of your marriage in healthy ways, and may you see what you need to do.

    May you balance action with acceptance, movement with periods of silence and prayer.

    • Monique

      I am a mother of 7 and have several grown kids and one 17 year old left at home preparing to graduate. My husband left me a year ago for another woman. I didn’t know until a few months ago that it was for another woman. I thought he was just in some sort of mid-life crisis and just was behaving like a total stranger. Maybe I just didn’t want to believe it was for another woman. We have kids in college and kids getting married. I am traumatized because he was a good father and a faithful husband. It saddens me and brings so much pain to know that our large family is now broken. I never saw it coming. I would always as if he was happy and ok and if their was anything that he felt needed improving in the marriage. He would tell me that I was wonderful and he wouldn’t change anything about me. I don’t know what happened and I am doing everything that I can to stay busy and involve myself into new activities. He has distanced himself from everything.. The kids, family and friends. We were self employed and now I am running the business alone. He lives with his new girlfriend and recently told me that she is pregnant. The kids and I feel stumped on. He is just doing things and being reckless as if he has no concern about how any of this makes us feel. Please pray for me that I can stay strong and assist my kids with being strong as well. Two of them graduates from
      College this year and one from high school, they don’t really want him there. One of the older kids got married out of the country and he bought his girlfriend that we really knew nothing about at the time with him. It was a sad situation…… Pray for my family and I…..

      kind regards,

      • diane

        Im so sorry. I was married 17 yrs and he just left me and our kids for some skanky woman he worked with. My kids are so angry at him too. Came out of the blue for me too. But he’d been cheating for a few months. They’re apparently in love. Ugh. Hows your situation going?

  • Laurie

    Dear Dawn Govin,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing your experience with your husband and his “other woman.” I think you need to allow yourself time to grieve the end of your marriage. Before you start moving on and surviving the breakup of your relationship, you need to grieve your loss and face the pain. I don’t know you and I don’t know how long it’s been since you realized your marriage is over, but I do know it’s important to process negative emotions and let ourselves heal from heartache.

    If I were you, I would take time to acknowledge the pain of hearing my husband with another woman. I’d also start making plans to move forward in my life. Where do I want to go, who do I want to be, what do I want to do? Now’s the time to start recreating myself! The future can be very exciting, if we allow ourselves to dream and let go of the past.

    My prayer for you is that you find a healthy balance of processing your grief and staying positive about the future. May you find strength, energy, peace, and hope as you think about what your future looks like — and what you want to do with your life! May you connect with God, who is the eternal never ending source of hope, faith, and love. Amen.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

    • Aonymous

      I can’t do any of what you suggest. Over the last six years there has been many things happening in my marriage, not just this last affair or any affairs, but many many other hurts. I am in therapy, we’ve been to marriage therapy, I read everything on line I can get my hands on. He left this time 10 weeks ago.I can’t seem to pull myself together whatever I do. I am not a good reader so all these self help books do me no good. He says he still loves me, he does not want a divorce, and is not in love with this girl, but he just needed some peace in his life that he could not get from me because of everything in the past I could not let go of. I am trying to get help for myself and learn to try to stop holding on to things, but I start my day out crying, taking anxiety meds, and can’t stop crying until about 4:00 p.m. I’ve lost all interest in everything. I try to get on my treadmill but I can only go about five minutes and then fall apart and have to lay down. I have pushed all my friends away with the exception of a few that no matter what I do, won’t desert me. I love my husband of 40 years and want my marriage back. How can I stop crying, what can I do. Having trouble moving on, trying everything, but it has been one thing on top of another and I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, on meds, but nothing seems to be helping.

      • annonymous

        I am home alone right now as my Sam sex partner of 20 years, age 52 is out with his new obsession, a 23 year old. He told me at first he was confused and then he said inwNt a divorce just a month ago. I was shocked by the news and ever since he seems happy and free to pursue his new love affair. I feel so abandoned and pathetic here knowing what he is doing as I have to live in our house until he offers me a settlement or simply throws me out since he controls all finances and always has. I am trying to be strong but reality is right now, my heart is broken, and I can beraly muster the strength to go on wanting to live.

      • Annabel

        This is totally normal for anyone let alone someone married so long. I know as I’m in the same length marriage and situation. The grief is immense. it is like they have died and in a sense they have. Crying, while feeling wretched is cleansing and will stop your body getting really sick. You just need to be with those friends who are super close where you can be yourself.

      • Rabina

        First you need to pray and take it a day at a time you won’t be able to move on u less you fully let him go and it’s wrong for him to still hold on to you when he has moved you being angry is better then being sad. Once you understand and accept the marriage is over and you are to great of a women to be #2 you can start the healing process

  • Nancy

    Don’t give up hope when your husband leaves you for another woman. Don’t let bitterness or anger destroy you, or make you wish your life was over!! I was so unhappy when my husband left our marriage but I have healed and recovered, and now I help other women deal with the pain of divorce.

    Be strong and take heart.

  • Laurie

    Thank you for sharing your support and help for women whose husbands left. It’s really important for us to hear from other women who have survived, who can show us that there IS life after the pain of a divorce.

    • Dawn Govin

      Hi. Thanks you for being positive. It helps to hear it. Im trying. My husband moved to Texas in June for work. The unemployment rate is out of control here, and he wanted to get his foot in the door working in the oilfields. The plan was for me to leave NC and join him when he rented an apartment and furnished it. He is an alcoholic who has been in recovery for a few years. He fell off the wagon soon after arriving and ended up incarcerated for being drunk in public. After a week, he was released and went to stay at a local rehab center. He called me and I was supportive of him because I saw how well he did when in recovery. He was on a waiting list to get into a residential program, so he was able to leave the center campus every day until he goes into the wellness program. I have been sending him money to his account to help him and telling him how proud I am. He was 30 days sober. Anyway, his behavior changed a few weeks ago and he told me he needed me to send a nude picture because he needed sexual relief. I didnt want to and then he changed. He told me that if I loved him I would or pick up and move down right away so he can be with me. I cant afford to do that right now. He was talking to me less frequently and then only at night when he was in bed at lights out. A few days ago he called me up drunk and started an argument over something so trivial I cant remember it. Then he said; ” I want you to know im sorry. Since ive been down here I met a girl. She is 10 years younger than me.” That would make her 23. I didnt let him finish before I started yelling at him and telling him I knew something was wrong. The whole time he was trying to say ” I did not do anything”. I was so upset I hung up. Several hours later I saw that I had two new voice messages. When I listened to it, I heard him say something muffled, a girl said “Please do it” and then” No dont turn that on”. Then I heard them starting intercourse. The phone was right next to them. The message ended and the next one started. It was them still doing it. He must have redialed when the first one ran out. I got to hear the whole thing until after he finished and then I heard him pick up the phone and turn it off. I was in complete shock and my heart was beating fast. I called him after I could breathe. For once he picked up right away and sais what’s up? I told him I had heard the message and before I could say anything he hung up. Im so sick. I blocked his calls and havent talked to him since, but the sound of them together keeps playing in my head. Im trying to move on. How can I be positive ? He emailed me yesterday saying he loves and misses me. Like nothing happened. I wo

  • maria

    I really love Louis so much that I thought I cannot live without him. I was married for 7 years with 2 kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every day… it got worse when he filed for divorce. I didn’t think I could cope when he left even though there wasn’t another woman involved. He wasn’t cheating on me. I tried my best to make him change his mind and stay with me because i loved him with all my heart and didn’t want to lose him but everything just didn’t work out. He moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce.

    If your husband has left you I believe you can cope and overcome the pain. Trust God to help you through and support you. He can take away your pain and help you cope with your husband leaving and filing for divorce. Believe because otherwise what do you have?

  • Alexa J.

    To all the women whose husbands left them for another woman, I just want to say hang in there!!! My husband left me exactly five years ago and it was horrible to go through but I’m better, much much much better now. Life goes back to normal and you can even be happy again, but only if you try to put your life back together. If you don’t accept that he’s gone you won’t heal. The best tip in this list is to start something new that heals you.

    • Sarah

      My husband did not leave me, he had an affair, I took
      Him back, but he drinks a lot now on his own at night, I think he
      Misses his other woman, pls help

      • Sheila

        I have experience that same thing for the last two years. my partner of ten years had an affair with ah married woman. I found out about it, confronted them both and her husband. My partner drank for two years. This past Christmas he told me he was going to reach out to her and see if what they experienced was real. So, yes your husband is mourning her. Now I am in more pain than before. He tells me he loves me but she is the one that takes away all his pain.

  • Laurie

    Thank you for being here Michele and Yessenia, and sharing your stories of your husbands. It’s so painful when a husband leaves for another woman, and no breakup survival tips could ever be enough to heal the pain.

    I don’t know how some people can just walk away from their marriages and families, and hardly even look back. My friend’s husband did the same thing a couple years ago, and the whole family is still reeling from the shock and pain.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you as you move into the next chapter of your life. May you be blessed with healing from the pain of the breakup. May you be blessed with courage and strength as you move on to the next chapter of your life. And may you find hope in the presence of others.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Yessenia

    I’m hurting soo bad right now. My Army husband decided to separate from me after 4 years of marriage & 5 years together. Not to mention that I just recently gave birth to a beautiful daughter 2 months ago. In NC, you have to be separated for a year before you can file for divorce. About mid-August, I noticed my husband would talk to his “female friend” who is also married and who supposedly lives in Spain in the Air Force. His “female friend” knew that I was his wife and that he had a 2 month old daughter with me. His “female friend” would contact my husband by facebook and telephone and confide in him about her issues with her husband and everything. I didn’t think anything of it because I trusted my husband and never thought he would betray me. He was a good man I thought until now. I thought the love was there. Everyone thought the love was there. We did have our issues with him complaining about certain things like nagging but I never thought it was issues that would cause our marriage to die. I figured we could always work on our issues to make our marriage better but I guess he didn’t think so. He told me that he would be with me forever for better or worse. I guess not. Towards the end of August, my husband’s “female friend” called my husband and told him that she was divorcing her husband. My husband told me what was going on with her and I told him that “his female friend” is vulnerable now and would rely more on him and catch feelings for him. I told him that if it gets to that point, he needs to cut all ties with his “female friend” because it will affect our marriage. My husband took what I said and put it in one ear and out the other. After my husband’s “female friend” told my husband the news of her divorce, everything in my marriage went downhill. My husband started emotionally detaching himself from me. I asked him what is going on with him and he told me the news. He told me he wanted a separation. I felt shocked. I felt like my heart was crushed. He told me that he was unhappy and doesn’t want to be with me anymore. He told me that he thought about his life without me, and that he was ok with it. I couldn’t believe this man who I loved unconditionally with all my heart and who I just had a baby with could say this to me. I felt like he was ripping my heart out. He tried to make me feel like everything was my fault just to justify his reasoning for doing what he was doing. I cried, I begged, I pleaded to him to give the marriage one more chance. I told him that I didn’t realize how serious the situation was and that we could go to marriage counseling. I told him we have a daughter who needs her father. None of that worked. He had made his decision and was sticking to it. He decided to move out a couple days later. After my husband moved out, I found out that he was spending countless hours on the telephone with this “female friend”. She would call my husband at 1 in the morning and throughout the day and talk for hours with him. I calculated how much time he was talking to his “female friend” and found out that there were times they talked for over 6 hours in one day. I thought the emotional connection he was building with her could have been worked on with me. I kept trying to figure out how could a man leave his wife and baby for another woman. I kept trying to understand why his “female friend” who supposedly is a woman who prays and is religious, would help break up another person’s marriage. Sounds like she a hypocrite to me. Not to mention, she is also into “paranormal stuff”. I truly feel my husband is lost. Instead of him going to God for guidance with his issues, he turns to psychics. My husband has spent hundreds of dollars contacting psychics on a daily basis. During our marriage, he would call psychics periodically and when I confronted my husband about it, he would never tell me why he would call the psychics. Now I know. He finally told me that he would call the psychics to talk about his marriage with me. Instead of going to a licensed counselor for help, he went to a psychic to get his counseling. I think what really hurt me the most was when I found out my husband was calling 1800 flowers and 1800giftbaskets every week to buy his “female friend” stuff, it really hurt me. I feel hopeless and helpless. I can’t understand how he could move on with his life so quickly and leave his wife and baby to fend for ourselves.

    • Michele

      Your situation is sadly so similar to mine. I’ve been married for 16 years (known him for 17) and we have an 18 month old daughter. My husband habits started changing in May. When I asked, he would say I was “always on him”. I tried to ignore it thinking he was just being a jerk but in June he said he didn’t know if he wanted to be married anymore, I was crushed. I tried to be strong and act normal for my daughters sake. But he kept talking about needing to be on his own, in his core he needs to be on his own. In the meantime, he was getting a ride from his female coworker/employee. I offered to take him to work while his car was in the shop but he adamantly, refused my help. He could wait for her and go in late which he never used to do. Needless to say I was suspicious but wanted to believe him. Meanwhile, each day seemed to get worse and worse at home. He stopped kissing me goodbye and started sleeping on the couch. He kept telling me what I wouldn’t do ( I.e. I want to sit and drink, but YOU don’t want to. I would respond I would love to sit and relax with a drink, but it’s Father’s Day and we have the baby. Drink if you want but the baby and I will go shop. Needless to say he pouted and followed us around.). In July, he traveled with”work” and with her. He would even not come home when the conferences were in town. He also started telling me about the single people in his office inviting him out but wouldn’t show me emails. He even left me and the baby on July 4 to go drinking “alone”. He was out until 2:30am and slept in the room over our detached garage. Later I found out, from this woman’s husband of 19 years, that she didn’t get home until 3am that night. I couldn’t believe it, each day kept becoming worse than the next. In August he packed a bag and officially moved to the room over the garage. He thought he could stroll in and out of the house whenever he felt like it, watch tv and eat my food. I said that isn’t how living apart works. You have to let me know before you come over. So right before he wanted to see my daughter usually around 6:39-7, he would text me, he’d unlock the door, play with her until about 8 or 8:30, then promptly leave and his car would be gone until after 11pm. Not the actions of a once religious married man, huh? I went to visit family back home at the end of August. The day I left he went to an attorney had her send a letter to my mothers house saying he was divorcing me. He also withdraw a large sum of money from our savings account and began locking me out of credit cards and withdrew the money from our checking account. He even decided to take over the finances, something he had never done the entire marriage. I saw the money withdrawal before the divorce letter, so when I called him(family is out of state) to confront, his psycho self acted like, hey what’s up? I asked about the money, he said I will be getting a letter from his attorney about setting a visitation schedule. WTH? He is such a coward he has yet to this day say he is divorcing me. In FL, only one person has to want the divorce and no separation is required. So now to September. He signed and served the divorce petition and had it sent on the 10 year anniversary of my father’s death. He texted me before I returned that he got his own apartment. Had to get my attorney to make him give me the address, roommate status and if baby friendly because he wants my daughter to stay with him.
      So I’ve since contacted his mistresses husband and we have confirmed so much. She called my dirtbag at 1:30am and talked for more than an hour while her husband was in the next room. He has been out with my daughter in public with his mistress on several occasions (even in July before any moving out) letting her care for my child. He’s even been caught at her house at 4am while her teenage daughter was home. What’s sad is that this behavior in Florida is tolerated.
      That is only a piece of my story, there are so many more betrayals and hurt. I can’t believe I didn’t see this level of crazy throughout my marriage. It baffles me that from May to September he threw out 17 years together away with no remorse or attempt to fix. He refused to go to marriage counseling. Now I’m fighting for everything because somehow he thinks I’m the bad guy.

    • Mandy

      Me too..10 years together, 5 kids (newest 2 months old..) my sister just committed suicide on August 28 🙁 I just caught him red handed in bed with the dispatch trash on September 20..a total douche bag move..he is..a very weak worthless male..it is new, so still hurts, but my kids are much happier, well behaved and relieved..it has as odd as it sounds lifted a very big wieght off of all of our shoulders.. (well the baby didn’t know..but with my other 4 the sudden change or disappearance of him has only been positive, they were happy when I told them he was not coming home!?!) he is/was EXTREEMELY abusive mentally always and physically quite often..he is a truck driver so he was not home much anyway..but when he was it was generally hell for the kids and I :(..it was hell the day (day and a half) before he came home, when we knew..high anxiety all through the house..he had been telling me I was pathetic, useless, stupid b!*#ch, retard..phsyco, bi-polar, crazy..you name it, he spit on me, bashed my head into walls, through me across floor, into walls, squeezed my face..etc..I thought I loved him..and I was so down on myself believing it was me that made him act how he did, I lied to the police when I called 911, said it was an accident or if they asked I always repeated ‘I’d rather not say’ I was scared if I did I would be in more trouble, no one would believe me anyway, and I was afraid he would turn everything on me and get my kids taken away..I was SUCH an idiot..I feel terrible for what I let my kids see 🙁 and go through..if only I had known. A friend of mine was over the other day, and told me something which made perfect sense..the only thing I am missing is what I dreamed about having with him, what I desperately wanted so bad to have with him..NOT anything I had..that was last Thursday, and it really made me realize that and feel better..it is recent but I am truly already feeling better! I haven’t been hit, thrown or spit in for a few weeks and I haven’t been told how crappy of a person I am for the same..which makes a HUGE difference!!! I know now! This will take time, and I really can not believe that all of this is happening to me/us (my kids) right now..a LOT to deal with..but I can ONLY be positive! and I know our lives will be so much better than ever! I am getting back to being ME!! The happy, positive, independent, strong, amazing girl I was 8-10 years ago before I meg the jerk or before the abuse started..a weak man couldn’t handle a strong girl like me..he needs a needy weak woman what he was doing to me all along..I guess I just wasn’t weak enough with all he tried to make me..I know this is mean, but the trash he is with now can have him..and best worst wishes from me..both pcs of trash..no good woman would sleep with a married person with five children!!! Both horrible miserable ppl..& his immediate family! his sister, brother in law and mother and father who knew he was cheating!! Just disgusting :/ sorry for the rant..feels better letting it out, it is sad these things happen, but everything happens for a reason? I guess, so make the best you can of it for yourself and any sweet wee lives you are responsible for 🙂 (I think covered most of my dilemma, probably missing a few things, I am sure..but got the ‘jist’ out)

      • karen

        My husband of 22 years(been together for 25) just left me for his mistress that I didn’t know existed 4 days ago. We have 4 children, one who got married 6 days ago, and one who is pregnant. All are over 16. Trying to live day to day right now, but he is my best friend. Hard not to keep talking and reaching out. He is all I have ever known. I know life goes on but when does it feel like it?

      • bree

        Mandy Hi I just read your comments,from a while back, and it sounds alot like my life..I am having a hard time I have four kids. My kids father of eleven years is leaving. Hes a truck driver, lol hes been physically abusive ,mentally abusive, Im blamed for talking to a guy friend on the phone, but He can talk to girls and take pictures. Ive also been spit on I kid,you not in the kitchen. Unbelievable. Everything is always my fault. He always says he has never did anything wrong. Its so weird, but one week he really loves me then, the next week, he wants nothing to do with me Like I am garbage. I dont understand..It is very disturbing.And when I am going through something horriffic, thats when hes the happiest , to see my saddness…may God bless you!!

    • Phenomenal Woman

      We spend so much time loving a man until we forget to love ourselves. No man should be your everything. God should be your everything. When a man decides to leave let him go! Just know if he left he was never the one for you. The worst thing that could happen is you stay in an unhealthy marriage and you wake one morning stuck and your youth has faded. Women we need to learn that some men are placed in our lives for a reason, season, or a life -time. Its up to you to seek God to know which one. If God ordains your marriage he will maintain it through times of discomfort.

      As women we see things in our potential mates that are red flags from the very beginning; however, we choose to ignore the warning signs. If this issues are not addressed before marriage than what we are saying to this man is that his behavior is acceptable. TD Jakes said, “Why should a man change what we are willing to tolerate.” Now we want play the victim or want God to clean up our mess. Woman we can pay a great cost when we attach ourselves to mates that should have not been ours from the very beginning. So allow him to go to that other woman maybe she is the one. Be grateful that he moved out of the way; therefore, God can send your true Boaz. And when this man arrives it will be a love you have never experience before. In the mean time love yourself, know your self-worth and count your blessing. Food for thought ladies-Turn to the book of Ruth in your bible and read about Ruth and Boaz

  • Laurie

    Dear Leanna,

    You might not be able to stop loving him, but your heart and soul will eventually heal. It may not seem like it right now, especially since you’re starting a new stage of life with your toddler….but you will come through this. Have faith, and hold on to the hope that brighter days are coming! This may have been shocking and overwhelming, but you will get through it. You’ll look back one day, and marvel at how much you survived.

    Have you talked to a counselor about how to deal with the emotions and practical aspects of your husband’s departure? There are many things to consider, and it might help to have an objective, supportive perspective to help you sort through everything that needs to be done.

    My prayer for you is that you are able to find the courage, energy, and strength you need to work through this. May you find faith and peace, and may you trust God that somehow He will support and hold you together through this. May you have hope, and may you find the right resources to help you move forward in dignity and strength. Amen.

    Sincerely,
    Laurie

  • Leanna

    My husband of 18 years left me 6 weeks ago. We have been together for 23 years. I am a complete mess and begging him to come home. I hate that I feel so weak. My husband has always been a drinker but the last couple of years he has been hanging out with 20somethings (he is 43). I believe it’s a mid life crisis. We have 2 children (16 and 3). Our 3 year old was not planned and after I had him I got really sick and had to have a kidney removed. He blames me for getting sick. So instead of being there for me he went out partying. There was many nights he wouldn’t come home or of he did it would be around 3am. He use to be a good man and he loved me. But I know the people he hangs out with encourage his behavior. I wish I could stop loving him. He told me he is happy living away and right now he doesn’t know if there is a future for us. But at the same time he said he is not ready for a divorce either because he doesn’t know.

    • Ann

      My husband left me November ,2013. He is 43 years old said He no longer loved Me anymore, we were married for 23 years and have two grown children. He was seeing a younger woman in her thirties. We are now almost finished with the devoice process. I managed to focus on only me and My children and I have made it though all the crying, not able to sleep at night , lost 40 lbs and feel better about my self. Hang in there and realize You have the best part the Children and You will pull through this just fine. My husband started drinking more and more thats when I knew he wasn’t happy with me and my children. He doesn’t have anything to do with them.But thats fine they have accepted that and they have also moved on. You will get stronger each day.

  • Laurie

    Dear Keasha,

    If hoping that your husband comes back helps you heal, then maybe it’s worth hanging on. But I think true healing comes from accepting that your husband has left you for another woman, and moving forward into a life without him. There were problems before he left, and if he came back there will still be problems to deal with. It might not be good to live in a world of hope — and ideal world that’s not realistic.

    If I were you, I’d cut all ties and move on. I’d work through the grief that my marriage is over. I’d keep telling myself that I deserve a man who won’t just walk out and move in with a woman 20 years younger. I’d also keep telling myself that a real man wouldn’t hurt his children so deeply.

    My prayer for you is that you connect with God, and find strength and faith to sustain you. May you talk to a counselor or therapist more quickly than you anticipate, and may your kids grieve and move forward. I pray you find the right resources, people, and organizations to support you as you move into this new stage of life. And I pray that you are filled with the energy, peace, and joy that only God can give. May you heal from this experience, and move forward in love and faith. Amen.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Keasha Forbes

    My husband and I got into an argument almost 2 weeks ago. He left that night, and didn’t come back. He said he couldn’t do it anymore. Almost a week later I got a text from a girl saying that my husband had moved on. He is living with her. She is 24 he is 42. He says he still loves me, and that she understands that. He has sent me a couple of very sad song videos to watch about him missing me. I’m not naive. I thought maybe he will come back, but he would not still be with her if he was going to come back. I realize that. We were together for 9 years. There were never any other women. He gave this girl a ring, he told her everything about me. Horrible things. We have a 5 year old son that he says he misses really bad, but has only seen him once. He has 2 other children that are teenagers, and I have 2 other children, and a Grand baby. All children are very hurt by this. I have poured my heart out to him, and he says its still not enough, and if I would of asked him not to leave he wouldn’t of. I have blocked him and her on Facebook, and I had my number changed. We can only talk through email which I’ve thought about blocking him on that as well. I gave him all his things that he left here which hurt really bad. He moved me to this very small town about a year ago because of his work. Now he’s with her in this same town. I don’t know anyone hardly, and everyone seems to know her. She doesn’t have a good reputation. At first I felt like I was dying it hurt so bad. I’m a little better now. I’m trying to get into therapy, but its not easy in this town. I plan on moving to Florida in April where I agree up when my lease is up. Thanks for listening to my story. Please give me any advice you have that you think will make me feel better. Will he regret this and want to come back or should I cut all ties and move on? Its just so hard when I’m hurting like this. Thanks again.

  • Laurie

    Dear Zara,

    It sounds like the past few months – or couple of years – have been confusing and sad for you. Your husband has changed a great deal, and doesn’t seem to want you to be part of his life anymore. I’m sorry – I wish I had the right words to fix the pieces of your broken heart and heal your soul!

    All I have to offer is prayer. I pray that you are able to find peace as you move towards the next stage of your life. I pray that you connect with your God, and that you gain energy, peace, joy, courage, and strength from your spirituality. I pray you get emotionally and physically healthy, and become a stronger, happier, smarter woman because of this relationship and its breakdown. And, I pray you find the right friends and support system, so you can find your place in the world. May peace and and strength be with you.

    What are your next steps?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Zara

    Hi, I moved to Asia for my Husband’s job about 2 yrs ago. We have been married for 8 years but my marriage seemed to come to an end like lightning. I always thought I had a very good husband, someone who would never cheat, even though he travelled a lot with his job, would never betray me. I first saw an issue when I saw some inappropriate text messages in March. The woman was based in another country. But she moved to where we are at beginning of April and I started to see a change in his behavior – wearing cologne, going missing on a Sunday eve (later transpired she arrived on that day and he went to meet her on the pretext of going to work), lipstick on his collar. He denied he was involved with anyone else. Things seem to get worse as I saw the changes in him, we agreed to maybe him staying in a hotel for a week also due to his work pressure and he was saying hurtful things to me which I was totally dumbfounded with, such as he was not happy, not happy in the life he was in, which I could not make sense of. Plus I had no one to talk with her in Asia as all my family is in the UK and US.

    After he went to stay in the hotel at beginning of April which was for a week, he never called other than text. After the week, he did not want to come home, kept extending, saying he still had a lot of work to do and it was best he stayed there. The hotel was about 10 min drive from where we live and he did even come to see me at the w/e. I cried and beat myself for asking him to move out for a week. I felt so alone, no one to talk with. I effectively sent him into her arms. Anyway, when he did move back, he started to come home around 1 am and finally admitted early May that he had met someone else and it was her. I asked him to move out as the situation had become so untenable. His constant lies, coming home around 1am to 2 am on the pretext of working late when in actual fact he was visiting her.

    I then unfortunately discovered pics of a trip he made to US in early June and it transpired she was with him. Some of her poses are quite disgusting so it is easy to see how she is reeling him in. She is in her early 30s, he mid 40s so you can also see the appeal for him.

    He has basically abandoned me in a foreign country that I came to for his job and career. Up until I saw the pics, I was hopeful. He would send me text messages, saying he loves me, is missing me. But unfortunately actions speak louder than words. I am not able to get those images of them out of my mind. It was surreal, it was like I do not exist but that is my H with another woman. How can he look himself in the mirror?

    After the trip he came round and was apologetic but that was before I saw the pics. He seemed to be remorseful saying he did not like the person he became in April and May and had treated me really badly. But I could not get a straight answer from him if he was still seeing her. But then I saw the pics and it gave me the answer and the fact that he was a liar and cheat. I have since stopped all contact with him. It has been 3 weeks now since the pics episode. I still wake up in the middle of the night, thinking about how could he throw everything away so quickly, for someone he does not even know that well? How could he just walk away from me without even a backward glance? When he came to pick his things, I was crying but he still left me on my own. I could hear his phone going as she was texting him. He had so little respect for me and she was clearly more important to him! It is still unbelievable that someone who I had loved so much and shared so much with could just turn his back on me? Did our marriage mean so little to him?

  • Laurie

    Dear br0kendreamer,

    It sounds like you’ve been through so much the past couple of months. Your husband has abandoned you, and you’re left to pick up the pieces. It sounds like you’re all alone, as well, with nobody to lean on or get support from.

    But, it also sounds like you’re a strong woman who can survive your husband leaving you for another woman! You are smart, competent, and able to take care of yourself. You’re independent. You can rebuild your life – and even find a new man to love! I believe in you, that you can start over.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you all the best as you survive this breakup, and welcome you back anytime to tell me how you’re doing.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Laurie

    Dear Cindy,

    It sounds like you want to protect your granddaughter, above all else. She’s very lucky to have you in her life, and I believe you will surpass the challenges to continue to love and care for her.

    Have you called a free legal counselling office? Also, do you think your husband will want to have custody of your granddaughter?

  • Laurie

    I just got an email from a woman who is having so much trouble saying the words “my husband left me.”

    It’s devastating, but I hope you know you are not alone. Don’t isolate yourself. Find ways to rebuild your life and confidence. Hang on to God, or a Higher Power. Spend time with women who are strong, who are survivors.

    • cindy

      an hr ago we were planning vacation w/8 yr old grandaughter we have guardianship of. a 1/2 hr ago his grlfriend text checking to see what time they will meet today. not only is that devastating im also afraid i will lose custody of her since his income and a stable home helped get her. if i lose her i will lose my mind. i know its bleak. i want to protect her. no use asking why. it is what it is. but i dont know how to deal. God help us. my heart and very soul r broken. i have no idea what to do. im not rich or well to do. i work an live paycheck to paycheck. i cant bre:the

  • Laurie

    Dear Lea,

    I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking about you in this New Year, and praying that you’ll find peace and acceptance. Your husband left you for another woman, but that doesn’t change who you are – and it doesn’t make you less lovable, valuable, or amazing!

    May 2014 bring you peace, hope, and love. May you find the love you deserve, and a life you love.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Gina Martens

    I found out my husband was having an affair a little over 2 months ago. We have been together for 23 years, married for over 18. We have 3 sons, and lost 1 son at birth. Our oldest son (17) was diagnosed with autism at the age of 4. Our middle son (13) has a rare eye condition that affects his gross motor and cognitive skills. Our youngest son (11) has no special needs. Both the oldest and middle son may very well live with me forever. We’ve known this for some time and my soon to be ex used to say that he would never leave because of this fact. I am currently seeing a counselor and discovering all the red flags that were given to me from the very beginning. When we first met, he told me he wanted an Edith Bunker. I thought he was kidding. He is the most selfish man I know and he expects to be catered to. He has never done a load of laundry, dusted, cleaned a toilet, shower, sink, floor. He doesn’t do h-w, make lunches, or even go through the kids’ book bags for that matter. I am responsible for everything inside that house and much of the outside, too. I work full-time as a teacher. He is a truck driver but actually has nice hours. He does short runs throughout the day that allows him to be home around 4:30-5:00. Some days earlier and some later. Yet he will always throw in my face that I work less therefore should do more. That is fine. I accept that, but what I couldn’t accept was the fact he did NOTHING. We started having problems over a year ago. We went out to eat to discuss what we could do to save our marriage. He does not agree with counseling. We wrote a list of things he would like from me and vice versa. One of his items was to greet him at the door when he gets home from work each day. My biggest wish was for him to help me in any aspect for 20 minutes each day. The next day I obnoxiously greeted him at the door with a big hug and smile. I never got the 20 minutes. Ever.
    Two months ago on a Sunday while doing laundry I found my husband’s underwear tucked or “hidden” in his jeans. It seemed suspect to me and yep, sure enough…there was “stuff” on them. I went down into the basement where he was watching the football game and showed him. His face immediately turned bright red and he tried to say that perhaps he had a wet dream. Like that’s ever happened to him before. My parents were heading over so I didn’t have much opportunity to discuss further. I didn’t sleep well and on my way to work the next day I called. He supposedly went out with guy friends on Friday night. I asked him again who he was with and he repeated that he was with his friends. I then told him to please tell me the truth. There was a long pause. My heart sank right then and there. I knew. He said we would talk about it when he got home. I was completely devastated. And yet I had gone through this with him before.
    His reason? I bitch too much. I told you I’ve been through this before and that was when my oldest was just a year old. The reason then? We didn’t have anything in common. That coming from a guy that only likes to go out drinking. Kinda tough for me to do when I get pregnant on our honeymoon and then nurse for a year. And you all know that there were numerous other ones inbetween these two affairs.

    So as POS sits across from me, telling me again that all I do is bitch, I sit there numb. While I agree that it had gotten to that point, I know why it did. I try to explain that it is a cause and effect. A vicious ugly circle that we just couldn’t get out of. Yes, he can blame me, but he must also take responsibility himself. Finally, I look at him and calmly say, “I’m letting you go.” I get up, look at him once more and say it again and while doing so I feel an enormous amount of peace.
    How I wish that peace would always stay with me. Alas, it seems to be a fair weathered friend. Some days I feel good, great actually. I am optimistic and have high hopes for a much brighter future. For all of us. Then I have terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days. Days were I wish I could crawl inside a box and never come out. And often there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to my emotions. Of course him going on vacation with her to Nashville just two months after finding out doesn’t help me any. Nor does having my friends and family see him out with her because he frequents our stomping grounds when they are together. Or finding a bottle of Cialis in his truck.

    • Emily

      Gina, I know what you mean about the peace being a fair weather friend. I also oscillate between days/hours when I feel like I can let my ex go and move on, and days/hours where I want nothing so much as to scream at him and the woman he left me for. The latter feels good in the moment, but always costs me down the road. It opens the door for him to hurt me in some way. Observing a no contact rule is hard to maintain, but I feel that a little more power accrues to me every day or week that I can get by without writing him or responding to his emails. Both routes are painful, but your description of the peace you felt when choosing the path of letting go sounds very persuasive and worth attending to.

      • Gina

        Emily,
        I took a vacation with my boys to Florida over Thanksgiving break. Drove 18 1/2 hours down there through rain the whole time. Drove in my nephew’s compact car. There were 5 of us all together and it was tight quarters indeed. My kids did not bicker or fight once on the way down or up. First vacation ever that they didn’t. I believe it is because they didn’t have to listen to their father and I bicker. Yes, it was peaceful and I didn’t miss him at all. I pray for you. I pray that you realize it is NOT your fault. There is nothing you could have done to avoid all of what you are going through. And I pray that you never feel so low again that you contemplate suicide. No one is worth that.
        Gina

    • Andrea

      I can so empathize my husband left for the other woman when I was 6 months pregnant with our 3rd. You get through it, the pain ends and you do eventually get peace. Faith helps, God will heal your heart. You are also allowed to pray for his return…if you choose that route you need to be really strong. A group you can google is Charlene Stienkamp. Believes there is,more hope than you think…God is on the side of reconciliation. We did sign up to stay committed through the “worse” …it is an option and maybe why you are grieving is because of the fact that you are being told there is no hope when the simple fact he took vows with you had children with you proves that there is!! God has been in the marriage with you
      ask His direction. May you hear loud and clear!

      • Andrea

        My step father used to say, in middleeast if they don’t have a big enough dowry, they’ll burn the wives to death. I see the humor in it now…i could not see it then, at least we were not set on fire, right?

  • Shannon

    Emily… I am going thru a divorce. He left me three times this year. I know how you feel. Email me if you want to talk sh28nnon @ ymail.com. There were a ton of days that I didn’t want to live anymore. It’s slowly getting better. he doesn’t seem to b grieving either

  • Laurie

    Dear Emily,

    My heart goes out to you, you have been through so much! I know what it’s like to feel like an orphan – I don’t know if that’s what you feel like exactly, but I don’t have any family other than my mother. She’s schizophrenic, and not really a “mom” the way many mothers are. So all I have is my husband – we don’t have kids.

    You asked for suggestions on how to survive, but I hope you realize you’re already surviving! You are grieving the loss of your marriage, and the idea that your husband could leave you for another woman. It’s painful to grieve, but it is so healthy. You need to process the painful emotions, in order to get strong and centered so you can move on.

    I don’t know where you are spiritually, but I encourage you to explore your faith. When I think of God and my relationship with Jesus, I feel peaceful, calm, joyous, secure, and loved. My faith and spirituality gives me a grounding that no man, woman, child, or any person could ever give me.

    That’s how I survived the losses I’ve experienced in my life. What do you think – how are you doing spiritually?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Emily

    I, too, relate with many of these experiences. Two months ago, my partner of 11 years told me he’d been having an affair for about a month, was falling in love, and was ending our relationship. Like many of the other women who write here, I was blindsided, although we had had our major ups and downs over the years. Still, I trusted him and the relationship completely, and now I feel and know I had taken it for granted and could have been tending to it and to him better. The same was true for him, but no matter, he had made his mind up and is “determined to sever all ties between us.” He has been aggressive and cold – he says he is being kind because he does not want to “give me false hopes” by being nice or communicating with me. I have been in and out of near-suicidal states. Maybe this is harder for me because I was adopted, and both my parents had died by the time I was in my mid twenties, and I have no siblings or children by a previous marriage. So I have lost my family again, and with a harsh abruptness. (On the other hand, I am sure abandonment hurst like a bitch for anyone.) I am still in shock. He appears happy and has shown no remorse. Apparently, I am mourning the relationship alone. He is in love and spends all his time with his new girl friend (something I have to know because we live in a duplex and I can hear his comings and goings. No I cannot afford to move and I do not want to lose my home on top of losing my relationship.) I have a great therapist but I still feel like this pain is unendurable. It gets better for a day or two, but then I descend back into pure hell. Thank you for reading this (anyone who has) and I welcome any suggestions on how to survive.

    • lea

      I am sooo sorry. I am going through the same thing. I was married for 16 years and we separated and I thought we were going to work it out and I found out he has had someone else for months. I am devastated. cannot eat sleep etc. I feel like I will never get over this. I have a 5 year old son so I have to! he does not seam to care..he too is all happy w his new girlfriend. it is so physically painful I dony know how to cope. how r u doing as of lately?

      • Emily

        Dear Lea, It is indeed physically painful – just painful in every way. I also have trouble eating and sleeping. I finally got a script for ambient and I am taking a low dose every night. Not ideal, but I am sleeping. The inability to eat is harder to overcome. How are you doing?

        • lea

          thank u for your post. not doing so well. the pain is just so bad I cannot understand. I thought I was stronger than this. I am a secure smart woman but all that consumes my thoughts is my husband and the girlfriend tog. he finally admitted it today. our divorce should be final in ab a month but I was in such denial that it has hit me like a mack truck don’t know how toget my life back on track. how did u cope? I know it takes time..but what can u do other than pray and function? I am not getting anywhere. I should be soo pissed and want to move on..the worse he is the worse I am. what is wrong w me?? will this last??? I am not myself and cant see myself anywhere close?? do u have children? advise?? again…thank u for your concern!

    • lea

      I feel the same..i am the only one that is upset after 20 years of being tog. this new girl thinks she found prince charming. we were seeing each other …I was talking ab how we could work things out and he was agreeable…then all of a sudden..same thing,,,cold says he does not want to lead me on, we had been sleeping tog for a month and he denied it bc his homewrecking skank heard ab it. we need to talk on email. going to try and sleep now. will pray for you. lets talk tom and I will give u my email..our sit is very similar. God bless u and hope u can get a good nights sleep. xoxo

    • rose

      Emily, I know exactly what you are going through. I just found this site and I know your post is old. I hope I am doing this right and you get this message. I was married 19 years when we separated. I have been separated for 5 years now and I am in the middle of divorce proceedings. I am going to lose everything and he his extremely happy with his much younger girlfriend who he showers with utter lover, gifts and attention. I found out my husband had a porn addiction. We did not have sex the last five years of our marriage before I decided to separate. I wanted to go to counseling. He told me he had problems but he would always have my back and be my best friend. Now since he found a real piece of trash that is into the same sexual deviation as him, he has totally abandoned me. I have no family. And no children either. Just a few close friends who have families of their own to deal with. I guess I sound like a broken record so I don’t talk about it as much. All I have is my home and I am going to lose that so he can support a whore which he is already doing. They gloat on facebook. I am devastated and I don’t no how I can make it through this divorce. I feel like25 years of my life have been wasted. Would love to talk to you.

  • susan

    i caught my husband on a sex site and he had payed to go on this he denied having a affair but i found her phone number and email in his phone he left me for her shes 65 hes 53 hes blaimed me saying i have a drink problem and ive changed this is all a lie he has had me arrested he gets the police on me all the time saying im harrasing him he doesnt give me any money , he has accused me of trying to stab him and hit him with a hammer another lie hes 6ft6″ im 5ft1″ he has turned him back on his children and his grandchildren ,the woman has no children just a dog ive seen her once she is so ugly and looks really old and rough totally what my husband said hed not touch with yours he is like a different person ,i loved my husband so much i would have done anything for him we had a good life a wonderful r v and went off regular with friends and family we had our own business that we set up together in property service he now says its just his i get nothing at all from him hes cancelled my car insurance without telling me cancelled the telephone ,and sky tv ,and put the house for sale and stopped putting money in the bank to pay the mortgage or any other bills i pay for everything out of a small wage ive had to take out a bank loan to pay a solicitor for divorce proceedings he wont admit to adultery and she wont either even though ive got witness and proof the kids are heart broken as he just ignores them the small grankids cry because grandad ignores them ive lost 4 stone in weight and ive tried to committ suicide i love my husband so much i want him but not the person he is he is her slave he wears a new wedding ring thats not mine im soso bitter that bitch has turned him in to a stranger weve been together 27 years always been best friends never kept aruments going we forgott straight away we had a amazing sex life although i did have to nagg him a bit cos he didnt want to do it as much as me he was everything to me and we always said we would be together forever and would never cheat on each other he loved me so much and i told him every day that i loved him ,if you believe in black magic i would say this is something she has done to get my man he was mine through n through my soul mate my lover my gorgeous husband my life feels like its over how can he want that ugly old barren woman when hes got gorgeous kids a sexy wife size 10 that adores him i do not no how to go on anymore i just want him back its not getting any better hes been gone 14months now im too old to start again not as old as her just a tad older than him how do i go on any help would be grately appreciated thankyou can someone give me any answers plzzz love susan xx

  • Laurie

    An unexpected breakup is more difficult to deal with than a divorce that you’ve been thinking about for months or even years. If your husband leaves you for another woman and you didn’t see it coming, the pain is more shocking and I think more difficult to survive.

  • Rhonda

    My husband went to the DC rally and never told us he wasn’t coming back instead he had the other women tell me on face book. I feel betrayed about it because he wont even talk to me. It was out of the blue for me. trying to sty positive and keep my mind off him and our dreams.

    • Alyssa

      Hi Rhonda

      Your story touched me, my husband moved our son and I to SC four years ago, away from family. In November he decided it would be a good idea to have his parents move here to help us, he had a plan though.. A few weeks before they arrived, he started staying out late, lost over 80 pds in the four months before they got here, texting women and just not coming home. He walked out of our home in May of this year, took our car, and refused and still refuses any contact with me, his parents don’t speak with me either. He claims I told him to leave, but that is not true. He left moved in with another woman within one month of leaving us.

  • Laurie

    My husband left me for another woman…it’s the hardest thing you’ll say out loud. Protect yourself by getting financial and legal advice — call a legal aid lawyer and get all the info you can about divorce in your state or province!

    • Janna

      I have known my husband for 17 years. We dated in high school and got married in college. He was my first boyfriend. We should be celebrating our 10th anniversary in December but instead I think we will be signing divorce papers. We have 3 beautiful children…the youngest has special needs. I have loved him through 3 affairs and a DUI but this time it’s different. I promised him and myself I wouldn’t put up with another affair or anymore drinking. He has been home from his most recent deployment since May and my gut was telling me I needed to check the phone bill. I ignored it for a while but last Thursday something made me look…he spoke to one specific person for over 2000 minutes last month! and when I confronted him, he said that I really just needed to leave him because he was a bad person and couldn’t quit cheating.

      I know I’m being an idiot for wanting him still. He won’t change. He even told me today that he doesn’t think he will change and doesn’t want to do counselling again. He says he loves me. And I believe him but that almost makes it harder. I know i will never be able to trust him again. In my brain I know that. But when I go to bed at night all I want is for him to hold me and to tell me he is sorry and it was all a big mistake or that I was having a nightmare and of course he would never cheat on me again because he loves me and always will.

      I know I need to divorce him but I hate to put my children through that. I don’t think they know anything…I could be wrong but I think they think everything is fine. So I think they will be blindsided. My parents divorced when I was 5 and, while my parents handled it as well as possible and I had a good step dad, I NEVER wanted my children to go through this. I am sad not only for the future I had dreamed of for myself but also for my children. They won’t be able to wake up on Christmas morning with both parents to watch them open presents…they will have to split weekends between parents. They have already lived through 2 deployments without there daddy around in their short lives. How do I do this to them? How could he do this to us??

      I have to keep stopping myself from begging him to stay…How do I get past this? Through this? How do I know my kids will be ok? And what about 6 months from now when he comes crawling back and begs me for another chance??

      Broken hearted…and feeling unloved.

  • Laurie

    Dear Rebecca,

    Thank you for being here! I’m glad you shared your story with me, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Your comments inspired me to write an article about getting back together after a separation. The most important things I can tell you are to 1) ensure your husband has pursued counseling for his abusive behavior; 2) take your time making this decision; 3) don’t make a decision out of guilt or intimidation; and 4) remember that people rarely change – and if they do, they have to be very very motivated and very very consistent.

    The most important thing is your husband getting counseling. People don’t just stop being abusive! It takes hard work and dedication to look at the reasons you’re mentally and emotionally abusing your wife, What therapy has your husband undergone, to help him see his reasons for abusing you? What work has he done to change?

    Believe your husband’s ACTIONS (eg, going to counseling, joining an anger management group, taking classes about marriage and relationships, etc). Don’t believe his talk. Talk is cheap, talk is useless unless it’s backed by action.

    Here’s the link to the article I wrote with you in mind:

    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/reconciliation-after-separation/

    You deserve a happy, healthy man and a happy, healthy relationship. Never forget that you’re teaching your daughter how marriage works, what self-esteem and positive self-regard looks like, and what love looks like in real life. Love isn’t just mommy and daddy being together — it’s how they treat each other, how stable and consistent they are.

    I hope all this helps, and welcome you back anytime to keep talking things through. I’m not a counselor and I can’t tell you what to do, but I encourage you to keep writing things out. Writing will help you connect with yourself!

    Stay true to you,
    Laurie

  • Rebecca

    Dear Laurie:

    Mine is kind of a long story too. My ex-husband and I were engaged and married after only a year, and of course for that amount of time plus another year we were inseparable. Seemed to be the perfect couple and I was the happiest I’d ever been. After our 1 year anniversary in his last semester of college things took a fast and horrible turn, and while in my last trimester of pregnancy with our little girl, he started to pull away. When we found out she was a girl he went insane and ignored me the whole day, saying horrible things. Then, realized how wrong he was and came home with a huge apology and flowers. A few weeks later during his finals he started staying late at the library to study every night. Soon I got insecure and frustrated and started asking him to study at home in his office. He started to be extremely mean for no reason. He was emotionally abusive. I started to be afraid to look at my text messages back from him, knowing each one would be a knife in the heart. I found a letter in his office he had written telling me he had fallen out of love with me and was depressed and couldn’t be happy with me. Also, he was a “writer” and I found a notebook of a series of letters he was writing in someone else’s name that when confronted told me it was for a book he was working on. I was in misery, couldn’t eat, or sleep. It just felt like the air crushing me every day. I did everything I could to try and make him fall in love with me again, including taking all the verbal and mental abuse he was heaping on me, and all it did was make him say more mean and hurtful things. 2 weeks before my due date, the day I found out my mom had breast cancer, I found an email that she had written him on FB, that said how much she loved him too and couldn’t wait till they could be together. He had met her in French and she had known all about me and our baby girl. Even saw the ultrasounds. When confronted he left me that night and sent me into early labor two days later. Came to the hospital, pretended nothing happened. Stayed in my bed with me. Then sent me and our daughter home with my parents and went to his new GF’s. They dated for almost two years after and I finally moved on and dated someone else. But 6 months after he left he started apologizing and trying to get me back. Now its been about 2.5 years since and is desperately trying to rekindle things. I feel that he has changed some for the better, but I don’t know if men ever change from what he had done. I feel so guilty that our daughter is split and she does love her daddy. But I don’t know if I ever could again. Technically, if we got back together I could possibly have the life I always wanted, and be able to stay home with my daughter and have more children, but how would I ever know if he would do it all to me again? I wouldn’t want to put my daughter through that!! And would I survive it the second time? I just don’t know what to do!

    Any advise or insight you might have for me would be GREATLY appreciated!!

    Thank you,
    Rebecca

  • Laurie

    Dear abandoned,

    It sounds like you’re healing from that shocking, painful letter from your husband! Thank you for sharing the actions you’re taking to heal and move on with your life.

    You will go through ups and downs as you recover from the shock of your husband leaving. But eventually – if you keep focusing on rebuilding your life in healthy ways – you WILL be happy again.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Laurie

    Dear Melissa,

    Thank you for sharing here; I hope it helps to know you’re not alone, and you WILL survive.

    I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Laurie

    Dear Felicia,

    It’s heartbreaking that your husband could even think of leaving you after 25 years of marriage! You supported him in so many ways over the past two decades, and he turns around and moves in with another woman. The pain and betrayal is overwhelming.

    My heart breaks for you. I wish I could give you advice that can help you heal faster and move on, but I have nothing.

    I just told Marie in my last comment, that this is her opportunity to rebuild her life from scratch. This could be an exhausting and painful thought….or you could turn it around into something that actually improves your life in the long run.

    There’s a time to grieve the loss of your marriage, and the expectations you have of your future. And, there’s a time to remember that you are a role model for your children. Teach them to lean on God’s strength, have faith that things ARE unfolding the way they are supposed to, and know you are loved in a way that far surpasses anything a man could give you.

    If you could do it all over, what would you do differently? I wonder if there’s a way to start doing some of those things now…

  • Laurie

    Dear Marie,

    Your husband didn’t turn out to be the man you thought he was. Hindsight is always 20/20, isn’t it? It sounds like he used you, then tossed you aside when he didn’t need you anymore. My heart goes out to you – you invested your time, energy, and life in your marriage, and you’re left with nothing.

    What makes you think he’ll prosper? You asked why the wicked prosper, and I don’t think we know if he’ll prosper! I know it seems like he’s living the high life…but I suspect he’ll end up alone, sad, and without meaningful relationships. Not to mention what’ll happen after his soul meets his Creator.

    What’s left for you? The chance to rebuild your life. This may seem overwhelming and crushing, but how you look at it will determine how happy you are.

    If you could do it all over, what would you do differently?

    Can you start making those choices now?

  • abandoned

    I feel the pain with all the women who were abandoned by their husbands. I am going through the same thing. One day i found a letter from him saying he doesn’t feel the same thing anymore.and wanted to talk to me about our options. OF course i fell down on my knees and my world just fell apart that very second. He asked for time to think so my 3 year old daughter and i left. before two weeks he told me he made his decision and said he wants divorce. now we have a separation agreement about our kid so for father’s day my daughter was with him. when my daughter came back, she told me she was with minnie( i guess that’s the woman he chose over me)… i didnt get to see these woman or i might have pulled her hair for destroying my family but whose to blame??? my ex husband for letting this happen to our family… I still cry and cry a lot but, now i try to pick myself up, i have the time for myself that i didnt have when i was with him…. i was overweight before and now i turned my misery to healthy eating and i’ve lost 25 lbs…. i go to the gym whenever i have time..
    it still hurts me from time to time… one day is better, one day is worst. like the other comment said. karma is a bitch… ill just wait for the time that will happen… hahaha..
    to all the women out there.. we can survive this..

    everyday i tell myself these words:::::
    this too shall pass, everything passes and changes and turns into something you would never have imagined, if you will only let it.

  • Melissa

    Yes I have been married for ten years a abusive man. we recently separated and I found out he is seeing someone else he told me our marriage breakup is all my fault and of course I believed him. Right now I am completely devastated can’t sleep or eat I feel very betrayed I have him all of me and he through me to the curb when someone else came along I realize I shouldn’t want top be with such a monster anyway I just keep thinking he will treat her better and I’ll see it all we have two children together Andi currently don’t have a job I’m about to lose my car I just feel so devastated I don’t know what to do. I am praying for God to give me strength

  • felicia

    Hi Laurie,

    i am struggling with this too. I have been married for 25 years this aug. but it is such a long story and i dont even know if i have the right to be upset but i am. let’s see shortest version –
    married young,alcoholic to christian, 4 kids, after the last child the drinking got heavier and i felt the drift i did fight, but the wrong way – 4 years ago we separated he said he needed time i did not like it but we still kept contact and talked but he wasnt ready to come home then around oct 2012 i noticed he talked to me diff and i asked if there was someone he said no. we know the same people ( together 27/ married 25 people love to talk) he took this woman to a new years eve party – he doesnt do parties in jan this man who needed more time moved in with this woman. he said he wanted to work things out with me and we tried it was great better than in years – no sex and he didnt come home then i started asking questions it seems like he was treating me like the other woman i got impatient and we were back at square one i cant believe it now this week has been like ten years because i discovered that he and this woman along with some couples we know in common have rented a beach house in ocean city for the week he’s showing her off! im physically ill it just cant be she is not the wife and he always told me we couldnt afford to vacation like that now he has money? i struggled for years to have his back when he couldnt afford to provide for his family now hes resposible? im sick! i dint eat for 2 days then i got hungry but so sad i cannot express the pain

  • marie

    My husband left me after 22 years of marraige. We have 3 children. He is a 52 year old retired master gunnery sergeant (USMC), and met a woman, 35 y/o, with a 10 year old, who is presently in the Navy at Camp Pendleton MCB, CA. I asked him why he was breaking up our family, because everything was going good. He said the sex with her was really good. I felt like I was hit by a frieght train. He did not come home one weekend, and texted me Monday, saying he was filing for divorce. He had secretly filed for seperation. What a coward of a Marine, who served 30 years in the military. I supported him all those years. He pursued me and wanted to marry me. I was a young nurse and on my own. He admired that. He’d brag to his friends he was married to an RN. My parents weren’t sure what I saw in him, and asked why would you want to marry someone who makes less money then you? I should have heeded to what they saw. Steven came from a broken family. His dad left his mom for another woman. His sisters are divorced. His whole family, in East Dubuque, Il. believe that they each have the right to be happy, and divorced is an option. If I knew then what I know now, I’d have never married into the Smith family and all their crazy thinking. After going through a nasty divorce, he wanted 1/2 of all our assests, and is now living an adulterous lifestyle. I told him he’s going to hell and he said smuggly, “Heavean is not an option for me. You don’t know all the things I’ve done.” He wines and dines women and takes them on weekend trips, and ignores his own children. Me and the kids are all hurting. He’s moved on to live his new life, acting like he’s 25 y/o. He left me holding the bag paying the mortage, bills, insurnces on the cars, everything. I was an at home mom for four years, and now I have to go back to work and start life over at 52. I have to go back to school and work and try to hold the family together. I barely make ends meet each month. I’ve let go of him, and hate him so much for destroying multiple lives. Everyone who knows me has been hurt by his adultery. I have so many of the same feelings you all have. Why do the wicked prosper?

    • Phenomenal Woman

      Dear Marie,

      I understand how detrimental this may have been for you; however, you have been holding on to this baggage far to long. You have not truly moved on because you stated that you hate him. Yes, he has hurt you and your family; nonetheless, you give him way to much power by allowing him to continue to steal your joy.

      You stated that he pursued you and the bible does say, “When a man finds a women he finds a good thing.” He found you but you chose him when everything inside of you probably said he is not the one. We as women can not change a man unless he desires change. Even God gives us free will.

      Your life is not over as a matter of fact its just beginning. You are wiser now and am I sure a very intelligent women. “Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” By Steve Maraboli

      From my heart to yours,
      Phenomenal Woman

  • Laurie

    Thanks for your comments, Ellen.

    You’re right that your husband has taken the problems he had with you into his new relationship – he’s not moving forward into a new life. He’s just replacing one woman with another.

    I don’t understand how some men can move from relationship to relationship like that, with no care or commitment. It’s so hurtful, and causes so much pain to everyone involved.

    I wish you healing and hope as you recover from this breakup. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Laurie

    Dear Marie,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing about your marriage. It sounds like you miss your husband and relationship…things are different now, not by your choice!

    I wish I had some sort of insight or wisdom to share, but the only thing that comes to mind is “acceptance.” I encourage you to accept your life the way it is right now, instead of wishing things were the way they were before. Your marriage as you knew it is over. Your husband, as you knew him, is gone.

    This is your life now. The more you struggle against it, the more difficult it’ll be. I hope you are able to find a full time job that replaces the part-time jobs – I know how time and energy consuming it is to work at more than one place!

    I wrote an article about starting over in your 60s after your husband dies, for another reader:

    http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/starting-over-again-60s-husband-died/

    It might give you some ideas for creating a new life, and show you you’re not alone. I don’t think you can reclaim your marriage and life the way it was…I think it might be better to focus on starting a new life.

    What do you think?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Ellen

    I can feel for Anne, in the March comment. My husband of 11 years left me about 2 1/2 months ago and a week after leaving rented a house with the other girl. It’s been a constant emotional battle one day I’m good the other day not. He left me for a co-worker that is 27 years old, he is 37 and I’m 43.
    We have no biological children together, but I have 2 sons with a previous marriage that my husband raised as his own. we tried to have a child of our own and I had a miscarriage, when he left me he said the new girl can give him a child he always wanted.
    No matter what I never will understand why men don’t believe and live up to the marriage vows. It is very hard to understand the why’s but all I can say is try keep telling yourself do you really want to be with someone that will disrespect you so badly.
    I ask that of my self everyday when I start crying and missing him. and all he has done is taken all the problems we had into this relationship.

    • br0kendreamer

      This is what happened to me. He completely ignores us. He blamed me. I worked hard to help build a company invested all my money to help him get it off the ground. He used my contacts and with his hard work we finally were going to be able to take it to the business level. Then he gave 49% to his work partner. Told me not to worry he would take care of me and the kids. I was worrying g for nothing. Then he crashed the van went missing for days. We have been in a long distance relationship for 8 months to build the company in a better location. He left me 2 months ago. But it seems like yesterday. He blocked me on fb. Blocked the kids. I knew he was seeing someone the last few weeks but thought with the kids out of school I could drive out patch things up. But he has been horribly mean he is younger then me but he alwaysade me feel bueatiful and loved. We had just recommitted in march he swore the online stuff was done he wanted his family back.. One month later a week beforewe were putting our stuff in storage and staying the last few weeks of school with friends he informed me thathe couldn’t make it till at least the 15 or so. Not sure and that we couldnt move out there for4 or 5 months. I should have found a house I was being selfish and not giving him any say. Then he told me he was not coming back to me anyhow he would come get his stuff when he could. Or I could take it to his dads! I had to pack and me and my 15 yr old had to move everything we owned and lost a great deal. He tells me to leave him alone he owes me $8000 probably more. And I have all his stuff I have to pay storage and lug around d because I can’t actually go through it. My mother the only family I have as I’ve no sibs disowned me and won’t even talk to her grandkids. He tells me he hates me because I ruined his life. That I took all his dreams and I should be grateful for the 7 years and leave him alone he is having a child now with “the one” meanwhile the day before they got the news there’s pics of them chugging down beer and her saying she was so drunk she missed work. he is 29 she is 22 and I am 42. I did try to leave him.when I was stronger and had more support feeling he would do this . am I stupid for believing him so long. Did he just use me. Well I got him fired from the contracts he got using my name and has lost the company. He says but he lies about so much I don’t know what to believe. It hurts so bad to see in a relationship with Chelsey on his fb status when he would block me and unblock.me and add a bunch of women all the time. Have online relationships this last year has been hell. I just thought he was getting it out of his system and now we were coming out and we talked about camping ect. And then this he says he will pay me when he has the money and be here eventually to get his stuff. Like what the hell I cry all the time each day is like a new knife.

  • Marie

    Thanks for this site. My husband left me 26 months ago to go to live with his first cousin. Their fathers were brothers. We had been together 26 years and married 23 years. He was 72 when he left. We had a good marriage, full of love, sex and compassion. We were on a Spiritual journey together. I am stunned and gutted. He had not seen this cousin in 50 years. His sister told him to look her up when he was in FL. Now there are divorce papers going back and forth and I cannot get my life together. He did not want me to work for years and now he offers no support and canceled my government health insurance. The cousin is behind this. She wants all of his limited funds. We have a cottage that we were about to move into for our retirement. His 44 year old son who has goofed off and lost his business, home and family is now living there. My husband is enabling him to continue his childish lifestyle. I love my husband and miss our life together. In December we went before a judge about a divorce. In the hearing my husband kept saying that the only thing wrong with our marriage was the interference from members of his family. The judge kept asking him if those people were out of his life and my husband said yes. The judge kept rephrasing the question and my husband kept answering that the only thing wrong in our marriage was these interfering family members…so the judge denied the divorce. Now there are new divorce papers. I think his son is also behind this because he wants our cottage. He is 74 now and I will be 70 soon. It is so hard to “start over” at this age. I am working 4 part time jobs, one of which is physically hard. I cannot find a good full time job. I wonder how long I can keep up this pace, especially with no health insurance. What an I do to reclaim my marriage and my life?

  • Laurie

    Dear Michelle,

    Thank you for sharing here. It sounds like you’re in shock about your husband – but you know you have the strength to get through this! You are resilient – you’re like the Bounce Back Babe 🙂

    In all seriousness, I wish you all the best as you cope with this major life change. Taking it one day at a time is the best thing you can do. I hope you have people you can lean on for support, both in person and here on the internet. Feel free to come back anytime and let me know how you are.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Michelle

    My husband left me and threatened to take my daughter and stated that I would never see her again. I felt like I was so blindsided and that
    all of his friends new about what he was doing and was about to do
    before I knew. I am still hurting right now but I know that I am a strong person and I will get through this. The hard part is that my husband has told so many lies and I have had to defend my self and my honor. I feel so hurt but I am taking things one day at a time.

  • Laurie

    Have you ever thought that maybe your husband’s leaving you is the best thing that could have happened to you?

    I wonder if it ever turns out that way…that a husband’s “abandonment” actually turns out to be a gift…

  • Mary Alex

    My Husband left me a year ago. No warning, no communication nothing. He just came home one day and said he didn’t want to be married anymore. He told me his heart wasn’t in it anymore and he wanted to leave me 5 years ago. I was heart broken and beyond hurt. I believed what he said because I always believed everything he said. It wasn’t until after we had signed the decree( he pushed as quick as possible. We were divorced in 2 weeks) that I found out he left me for his coworker. The lies began coming out and I soon realized he had been lying to me for our whole marriage. Instead of it destroying me I let is empower me. I became a stronger, more confident women than I had ever been. I met the love of my life a few months after the divorce at the top of a fire tower at 5am. What are the chances of that happening. I don’t know what the future has to hold and if I will ever get married again, but I know that whatever may happen I’m a stronger person for going through what I did. Its also very reassuring to know that karma is a B*TCH!

  • paul muller

    My name is Paul. I cheated on my wife and she left me. I feel terrible but I cant change what I did. I hope your article helps her, because I sent it to her.

  • Sandra

    My husband is an alcoholic and has formed a strong friendship with a lesbian at his work. She has recently split from her partner. She send shim texts saying she is so in love with him and tells him to start a fight with me so they can go to the pub. He lies about seeing her on week ends and they drink and smoke and party together. I confronted him about this relationship as I am waiting for him to get counselling on his drinking. Our marriage is on the rocks. He said he doesn’t want to give up drinking and she does thing he like such as going to the footy and drinking. I threw him out yesterday.

  • Laurie

    Dear Sharon,

    Life has really dealt you a difficult set of cards, huh? I’m sorry that your husband left. That’s such a difficult thing to bear – especially introducing your kids to her after such a short time! He really isn’t thinking clearly.

    I hope you’re able to find the in-person support you need. I hope you meet strong, enthusiastic, spirit-filled, happy, and smart women who can help you crawl out of this fog and into a happier, healthier life.

    There are some tips in this article that may help:

    Depression After Breaking Up – What to Expect and How to Survive

    I’m glad you already see that life will be better in the long run without him! It’s mourning the end of your marriage that is so painful in the short term.

    I welcome you back anytime – feel free to share how you’re coping.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Laurie

    Dear Kia,

    I am very sorry for what you and your daughter are going through, and your 7 month old as well! It’s heartbreaking. I don’t know why some men do this – it’s selfish and devastating.

    I think you and your daughter need to get family counselling, so you can learn ways to cope with your husband’s betrayal. She wants her daddy, and you need to find ways to help her heal. You need to learn how to teach her to be strong and resilient, and how to live without her father.

    Can you call a counsellor today, and start getting guidance on how to cope with this? Tell me how it goes.

  • Sharon

    My husband took all of his things and moved out last night. The reason.. the same woman he left me for 2.5 years ago that at that time just wuit talking to him or having anything to do with him. 17 years and this is the 8th affair that I am aware of. I look at myself and wonder why I was never good enough? He took our kids 16 and 9 to meet her yesterday after he has only been seeing her for a little over a week. I donlt want my kids to like her better than me. She gets to be “fun” while I have to be the heavy at home harping on bedtime, homework and all the other stuff that goes with being a full-time parent. I hate him, know I will be better off without him, but my heart hurts so bad. I can tell you a hundred positives why it is better that he be gone but none of them seem to melt the fog. I hate being a mess in front of my kids while they see him and her together laughing and having a grand time. I don’t really have anyone I can talk to as my paretns are gone and I’m not close to my sister. I was never given any chance to cultivate frienships outside my marriage so there isn’t anyone to go to. Not to mention I am sure people get tired of me going on and on. Thanks for listening. 🙂

  • Kia

    My husband admitted to having an affair. the day before Valentines day he told me and it hurt me to the core. We have two children together. The youngest one is only 7 months old. This new woman is pregnant and their are starting a family. How can a man leave his family to start a new? I cried and cried trying to make sense of this. Getting a divorce is not cheat and im trying to pay for college.

    My other daughter is 5 years old and she wants her dad to be there, but he doesnt want to. We live in the same town and Im afraid that Im going to run into them together. Can someone please help me in this.

  • Laurie

    Dear Kay,

    Thank you for sharing your experience. It can be so difficult to overcome the betrayal of a husband leaving you for another woman, and learn how to trust a man again. I do not think men realize how destructive their cheating actions are, and how much pain they cause when they betray their wives.

    Have you talked to a counselor about your feelings? It sounds like you are stuck…and I believe you CAN get unstuck and find love again!

    There are no guarantees that the next man will not cheat. I have no guarantee that my husband will not cheat on me. But, I have to trust that our marriage will unfold the way it is meant to…and that I have the strength and courage to face whatever comes my way. Cheating husband or not.

    What do you think about seeing a counselor?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Kay

    My hubby left me years and years ago for another woman, and I still feel pain and have suicidal thoughts. Not all day everyday, but everyday certainly. I’d feel better perhaps if I too had the distraction of love in my life, but find it quite hard to consider dating as the trust is gone, and having been on the dumped end of all my relationships (i sound like a catch don’t I!!) I’m too much of a coward to move on in that sense. Oh well, maybe he’ll take his new ‘for better or worse’ vows he took recently to heart this time. I wonder if these people really know the true destruction they cause. Probably best they don’t and they actually just have happy lives, no sense in us all going down with the ship! My advice to those going through the same thing is to love yourself. My thoughts go out to you all, you are not alone x

  • Laurie

    Dear Eileen,

    You say “I am unable to move on and get over him.” Is this true? Do you really believe you aren’t able to detach yourself from him, physically and emotionally?

    You also say, “He is ensuring that I remain emotionally attached to him.” Again, is this TRUE? Does he have this much power over you? Do you have so little control over your emotions, thoughts, decisions, choices, and behaviors?

    You are a smart, strong woman. You have bounced back from other problems in your life, and you have the power to survive this.

    Don’t give your husband all your power. You are freely and willingly giving him everything he needs to do whatever he wants – he does not have control unless you give it to him.

    I am sorry your husband left you for another woman. My heart goes out to you – it is a very hard betrayal to recover from, and you will never be the same. But you gave him so many years of your life…why do you want to give him your future, too?

  • Eileen K

    my husband moved out 14 months ago after I discovered he had resumed an affair with the same woman he’d had a 3 year affair with back in the 90’s, I forgave him and took him back last time but I was aware by his actions with his mobile phone etc. that he was still hiding something and I knew in my heart that he had never broken contact with this woman, it led to many arguments and accusations on my part when he would accuse me of being neurotic and storm out, even convincing my grown up sons that I was insane but you know when someone is lying and hiding something. In between these episodes he would tell me how much he loved me and at times I believed that maybe it was all in my imagination. Then in 2010 I noticed the signs again, suspicious phone calls, unexplained disappearances, he stopped taking me out, turned his back on me in bed. Eventually the tension between us was at breaking point. I knew he was having a full blown affair again and knew it was with the same woman…he still kept on denying everything but beyond that would not talk to me, he had totally blanked me out, After a year of terrible strain I eventually forced him to leave our home in aug 2011. It broke my heart, I still loved him deeply but could no longer live with the strain. After a about a month he moved into rented accommodation and it was my 50th birthday and he gave me beautiful gold ear rings and said it was always me he loved, I was so happy and was ready to forgive him and give him yet another chance (stupidly but he could always get around me) From there he began calling every morning and night, we would have breakfast together, he would call in the evening and we would sit and watch telly together, usually have sex too then at bedtime he would leave and go back to his own place, Whenever I would mention him moving back he would clam up and refuse to discuss, in fact he never wanted to discuss anything to do with our previous problems. At weekends he would not call because he would be out in the pub with his friends, but he would call next day for sex and of course to ask if I needed any groceries …!!14 months later I am still in the same boat, he continues to have the best of both worlds, goes out socialising with his friends and their wives and quite happy to lead the single life but on the nights when he has nowhere to go he comes and sits with me and our grown up sons and plays happy families ? Note in the 14 months that he has been calling to me his mobile phone has not rang once in my company in all that time, either he leaves it in his jeep or if it’s in his pocket he keeps it on silent !! It is clear from this that he has not changed and in fact instead of trying to bring him to his senses I have made his life a whole lot better. He is enjoying living the single life and he can play at being a part time husband and father when he has nothing else to do and is feeling lonely….I have told him several times that if I dont get a commitment from him I will not allow him to continue to come and go in my life as he pleases. If he had any intention of rebuilding our marriage he would at least start taking me out but he refuses to be seen in public with me, says we are not ready for that. I have gotten myself into an intolerable situation much worse than I’ve ever been in. I allowed him back into my life thinking it would lead to a reconciliation but this was never his intention. He has the perfect situation now, sex without commitment with his own wife, never taking me out, goes to the pub with the boys whenever he chooses and no one to answer to when he goes home ….meanwhile Iam unable to move on and get over him, he knows where I am all the time and I dont ever know where he goes after he leaves my home at 10.30 every night? He is ensuring that I remain emotionally attached to him while he is probably still seeing this other woman too… please can anyone give me advice as I am consumed with despair…!!!

  • Laurie

    I think the worst part is the first few weeks and months after you find you your husband is leaving. Although, my friend’s husband left her a year ago this month, and she’s still as devastated today as she was when she first found out. It’s awful for her and her kids.

    Give yourself time to get over the shock and pain of betrayal. After you’ve grieved the end of your marriage, you have to find ways to pick up the pieces of your life. I know it’s easier said than done, but you have to force yourself to rebuild your life.

    What’s the alternative?

  • destroyed-desolate-disparing

    In March is 15 years together, 10 years of that married. I met him when I was 20. I thought I knew love before, but never like with him. 3 years ago, in my lonely and stupid state I started a bit of a text affair. Nothing physical, but I bonded with someone going through the same as me. We seperated for a year, and it was the worst year of both our lives. We came back stronger, and had a rededication ceramony. During all this emotional rollercoaster I confided in my best friend. She has always been my rock. The last few months I could tell something was different. He always kept ppl around us, never a moment alone. He works 2nds and I work 1st. I looked forward to the wknds. A few wks ago I stayed up on a friday night, looking forward to quality time with him. He came home late. I was already asleep. That week, my best friend asked me out for a drink. I told her I was afraid I was losing him. She gave me advice on how to bring him back around. Just 2 days ago he finally admitted the night I waited up, he slept with someone. Guess who!! MY best friend. Oh, they apparently are close now. Have so much in common. He has feelings for her. She will not communicate with me. I am the bad guy. It’s my fault things are the way they are. If I wasn’t so pushy about keeping him to myself, and for always being angry that we are never alone, then he wouldn’t have found what he needed in her. I could KILL right now. (that’s my feelings talking. I won’t do anything) I want to lash out and hurt something. I won’t of course, but it’s making me feel weak not to show how much they hurt me. I should be fighting for what’s mine, right? But they’ve put me in a spot that fighting will not resolve. The real sad part, is I considered overlooking this and working on us, as long as she falls off the earth. He says he doesn’t know. He isn’t ready to cut ties with her. He won’t say we’re done, but he’s set me up to be the one to call it. Her child calls me Aunt. How are they going to explain that Aunt is gone and mommy is #$%# Uncle???? Oh, I’m sure they’ll paint a lovely picture of how I made it this way. And what scares me most, is I leave and everyone else accepts the new girl. 15 years, and I am more alone now than ever. And I don’t even have a best friend to talk to about it. I am extremely hurt. Breathing is hard. Focusing is harder. I just want to feel him cuddle me, and tell me this was all a bad dream. It hurts to know I won’t feel that security again. I know, get out there. Find new activities, blah blah. I’m sure in time I will, but for now HELP! How can I possibly place one foot in front of the other at this point? I text him a pic of me and him laughing together after our ceramony. I left a nasty letter about how they can tell their friends later how they hooked up. They can say his X wife brought them together. I am stuck in this house for at least a month or 2 to gather the funds to leave. The first separation, I drained my 401k to do this. I even helped with his bills while I was gone. But I was the bad guy, I felt I needed to make up for what I did. Now, it’s on the other foot, and I haven’t a dime to up and leave. It’s his mother’s house, so I can’t make HIM leave. And I keep picturing them as living my life, but its her instead of me. I’m dying here! How do I live through staying here the next couple of months, knowing they are “together”?? Please God, help me. I have been through a pretty rough life. Nothing has hurt this much…

  • Jessica

    I am 19 and have never been married but I was with my ex boyfriend for 3 years. He was 6 years older than me. I should have taken a man of his age being interested in me as a warning sign, but I didn’t know any better. I kept it a secret from my family until I turned 18. He made me feel so special by saying things that I thought were meaningful like “I’m so happy to see how happy I make you and to see you smile”. He made me feel so happy and so important. He would say “don’t ever think you aren’t worth the drive”. The relationship was long distance, but it was only a half an hour away. During the whole relationship he only came down to see me once and I came up to spend every single weekend with him because I had obligations to go to school the rest of the week. The fact that he really never came down to see me and got extremely upset with me when I told him I was sad he never came and saw me should have been an indication of how insensitive he was to my feelings. He told me that he didn’t even want to talk to me when I brought up him not coming down, because he said I was apathetic and immature. About 7 months into our relationship, he moved in with this woman who he had graduated with. She had a ten year old son. He told me she was in a relationship and I foolishly thought nothing of her. But one day when I had arrived into his small town to see him, I drove right passed him and in the passenger seat was his roommate. They both saw me and I didn’t didn’t even get so much as a wave hello from him. My heart sank but I thought I should give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him what’s up. I went to his house and it was locked, so I just went home and felt pretty worried and anxious. He didn’t answer his phone, or my texts and didn’t even contact me until 2 days after that. He sent me a long text message saying how me and him should be just friends and that things with him and I were getting too serious and he wasn’t really looking for anything. I was devastated. I had wasted so much time and energy on this person. When I went to tell him how hurt my feelings were, he talked the whole time giving me reasons on why he didn’t like me and that the way I made him feel bad about him not wanting to come down was the end of the line for him. He said he needed his freedom and he didn’t owe me anything because we weren’t married. I thought he owed me respect and I thought that if you tell someone you love them that means you want to see them. I started crying on the phone with him and he told me to shut up and that he had to go and that was the end of that for about 4 days. I couldn’t believe way he was treating me and the situation… Then 4 days later I went onto Facebook only to see pictures that his roomate had taken of him with his shirt off. I literally felt sick to my stomach. I had called up mine/my exs best friend for answers and he informed me that my ex had asked him not to tell me that he was sleeping with his roomate pretty soon after they had moved in together. I got played and cheated on for 2+ years… She was single the whole time, he lied about that. I can’t believe I didn’t realize the warning signs. She would get so mad when I would come over, and he would console HER and he would spend so much time with her son. I’m and idiot for not seeing it. I feel really bad about myself because he left me for a woman who had a baby at the age of 15, abused illegal substances while her son was at school, and went to jail for fraudulent checks. I thought something must be very wrong for me for him to leave me for such a bad womanx but I’m also realizing that maybe he wasn’t such a prize either. I sort of feel lucky to find this out, but horrible that it had to be 3 years after the fact. I just wanted to see the best in him, and now I just hate him. This all happened about a week ago and I’m having such a hard time wrapping my head around all of this. I did not deserve this and the pain and constant thought of him cheating is driving me up a wall….writing this helped me calm down a bit..

  • Jules

    In January 2010 my husband seemed to be in a bad mood again when I asked hiked what was wrong and he said he wasn’t happy in our marriage and wanted some space. I was devasted and begged him to go to counselling. He agreed and for six weeks we went to weekly counselling which appeared to help and we began to communicate better again. We were on holiday in the February when I began to get suspicious of him phoning ‘work’. I checked his texts any there were several from someone which made it obvious he was having a affair. He wrote to her “I don’t know why but you make my heart swell”. It cut through me like a knife. I confronted him and he admitted that he had being having an affair for six months. After a very long and emotional day he swore to me that he didn’t want to lose him and wanted to make our 25 year marriage work. He said he had been depressed after his mother died and as I had been tied up nursing my dying mother he had turned to her at work for support.

    All was good for six months and I gave up my very busy job to take some time out and concentrate on my marriage. After sixx month he changed to become moody again and told me work was very stressful. I tried hard to make life easier at home and slowly became a bit of a doormat who he put down and made fun of. At other times he was loving and talked about our future together which was why when he got out of bed one Saturday in July 2011 saying “he couldn’t do this anymore” I was completely knocked sideways. He left the house and the next day sent me an email telling me what he wanted for his life and how he expected me to behave. I couldn’t believe after 32 years together he could treat me like that.

    A week later his best friend told me that my husband had admitted to him two weeks before that he had had an affair with this woman from work for over three years, he had taken he on business trips and had thought they could make a future together. That he loved her and missed her. When I met him the next week he carried on lying to me and told me that the failure of our marriage was all my fault because I never supported him, was materialistic and only thought of money. He sai that he didn’t respect me as a wife and mother and didn’t love me.

    I was completely shell shocked. This was the man I had loved unconditionally since I was 20. Who I had followed around the country and world when he was in the navy, put my own career on hold and run his home, looked after our children, endured months of painful separation for 22 years only to be ditched when I was no longer needed. All he could say was that it was my fault that we never communicated. I didn’t see him again for another 10 months. I heard he was back with her which didn’t come as any great surprise as I always thought he left for her but kept it a secret so people didn’t think the worst of him.

    A year on and I have filed for divorce as he is trying to get me out of our house.

    It is hard to realise that the person who was your life is no longer there. Another hard thing to accept is his brother and sister and their families have completely ignored me for all these months and have readily accepted the other woman in my place. I had looked upon them all as my family and I have lost them too.

    I am waiting for the day when I don’t wake up crying and when I can actually look forward to the day ahead. At present there is nothing good in my life. My children are busy with their own lives and appeared to have accepted what he has done and met this other woman.

    I am terrified of what the future holds both emotionally and financially. He earns 5 times the amount I do but that doesn’t seem to make any difference and I am having to fight for every penny.

    I have tried not to be bitter but cannot help myself knowing that he could walk away after all that time together saying such intentionally cruel things and appears to be very happy in his new life without any remorse whatsoever. Whatever happened to karma?

    • Duts

      It is sort of like mourning for the death of your beloved. How are your kids content with what their dad did? Join a support group and surround yourself with positive people. It’s been 5 years since your post and I hope things looked up for you since then. Remember that every heartbreak brings strength you never imagined before.

  • sophia gaines

    how can you be married for 20 years and have children and just wake up and leave your wife for a younger woman, who dont want you but ur money or live off you! the other women is a HOMEWECKER!marriage suppose to last foreve but we will always have the other women to ruin it for us…. so ladies dont stop living your life because of ur loser hubsand n the other woman… live ur life to the fullest, take care of your health, get some fashion, buy specials things for you n dont be afraid to start dating or having fun! if u had children live for your children… when he is his 80s he will come back to you because his younger wife left him so someone younger n he in debit! just walk away in some expensive shoes that he paided for and i mean dont look back…….. live your life!!!!!!!!!

    oxoxo Sophia Gaines

  • joce

    been married for 7 years,known my husband for 12 years.4 years ago he had an affair got the girl pregnant.we almost got divorced then but the last minute decided to work things out.it was okay for a while and then this august he stopped calling me and just texts if he has somthing to ask.then i found out that his ex mistress is in the same state where we live and suspects they are seeing each other.he denied it and claimed that the woman is already married.then he packed up his stuff last month and told me he wants space and time.then now he said he wants divorce.although he denies it,i know that there is another else.im so lost….

  • Jay

    In January of this year I fell down the stairs and broke my elbow in three places and had to have an operation, during this time while on the mend I slept on the sofa which lasted a few weeks, in the mean time I didn’t realise the my husband at the time was feeling rejected, I did on many occasions try to sleep in the bed but was afraid of disturbing him as he had work the following day, I would be able to sleep during the day.

    Over the few weeks whilst on the mend, my husband started to be distant but I put that due to our little butchers business not doing so well.

    I returned to work on a phase return and felt I started to achieve things whilst in work my husband starting to get more distant and started staying out late on weekends sometimes may not even come home till early hours, he said he was playing cards with his mates at Mark Chick house.

    When it came to our anniversary I had a card but nothing else and it wasn’t at all affectionate as any of the other anniversary cards I had previously. Then when it came nearer my husbands birthday he said he wanted to go away alone for the weekend and that would I mind looking after the shop, so I did, when he returned home I found women’s glasses in the car and asked who did he go away with but he said no one he went alone. I will never get to know the truth there at all.

    A few weeks later he told me that he feels our marriage is not working and best if he moves out, yes I was hurt but tried to ignore this and continued with being together, but by the weekend I could see he wasn’t really there and asked him to go.

    He left and told me he was staying up his mates Marks, later I found out he was staying with another women, so I send her a message to ask what’s going on she told me they were just friends and that she was giving him somewhere to stay so he could sort himself out.

    Kevin was calling to the house at times and checking to see if I was ok this was making things difficult for me and then I found that he was staying at this women’s house and told him never to see me again.

    Through the weeks to follow I had a break down with anxiety and stress and Kevin would call in to check on me, he then eventually came back, to try and make another go at our marriage he promised he wouldn’t go to the pub where the women was and would work on us being together.

    That lasted a few days before he said this is not working, all because he wanted to go to the pub. So I got dressed and went out myself and low and behold so did he, he went to the pub I had a row with him over the phone and told him good bye. He thought I was going to do something stupid and came looking for me.

    I found that he then was going towards this women’s house so I messaged him to say I’m on my way up and have this out with him and her right now.

    He told me he’s not up there and on his way to the shop to stay, so I told him I’m on my way to the shop.

    When I got there he told me never again its over between us and he will never let another women get this close to him again, eventually I went home, but before I did he asked for a cuddle then I went.

    The following day I said he could stay in the spare room until he finds somewhere to stay, for a while it was working fine, but then he took a birthday card to this women and also called in there a few days later.

    Because of this I told him to go get lost and never come back I chucked all his close at him and threw what ever else I could at him.

    He had the cheek to say look what I am leaving with its not much is it, I said well you’re the one who wanted to leave not me.

    I have had no contact at all with him and recently found his dads seriously ill in hospital and I was not told by him or the family which really hurt me badly, I want to see my father in law and mother in law as they are part of my family but I’m scared Kevin will be there with this women, I can deal with Kevin being there but not this women she has no right to be by my family’s side at this moment in time.

    I will go and see my father in law today in hospital just to see how he’s doing meeting my mother in law, and for my own sanity. at the end of the day my in laws have been in my life for a long time and i don;t want to let go of them too, why should i?

    ive tried to be friendly to me husband but he doesn;t seem interested at all this time round.

    so i will continue with the no contact let hm go his way and i go mine.

    but underneath i know i still love him as he was not whats hes become,but i know i have to let go of him forever now.

    Jay

  • Sue

    My husband of 27 years left me today – I am desolate. He met a women only a couple of years younger last year – he wanted us to be friends because he was such good friends with her. She has two younger children. I knew something was wrong at the beginning of the year but it took me until June to actually find evidence and then he denied it and said they were just good friends, I gave him the benefit of the doubt – this was my husband with whom I have shared everything I wanted to trust him completely. I found out a few weeks later that he was having an affair with her and had been for more then six months. He was sorry – we went to counselling and he said he wouldn’t respond to her emails (she always initiated). I found out yesterday he did respond to her and had been seeing her again. He says he is head over heels in love with her but he still loves me. I arranged for him to stay at another house and clear his head but he just spending more time with her. My marriage is over. What now? My grown up children are spending time with me but they don’t know what happens next. I am not sure how to carry on – keep breathing and one step at a time. I know I am strong and I will get through this but it is so very, very hard. I need to leave him alone but we have spent every day together for the last 28 years.