Comfort and Healing After Your Husband Leaves You for Another Woman

Saying – even just thinking, “My husband left me for another woman” – is heartbreaking. You’ve been betrayed and lied to. Your heart is broken. You will never be the same. But, even though this may be the lowest point of your whole life, you are here. You are searching for ways to cope when your husband leaves you for someone else. This means you’re ready to start reaching forward, moving forward, and healing your heart.

“I can’t believe this happened to me, the pain is unbearable,” said Esmie on How to Get Over the Pain of Being Cheated On. “I spent nearly two decades of my life with my husband, just to watch him walk away. I didn’t know he was unhappy or that I’d be searching for tips on how to cope when your husband leaves you for another woman. Do men who leave their wives after all that time regret it? Do they feel guilty about what they have done? I know it doesn’t matter because when someone wants out, they want out. It’s just sad some people think marriages are so disposable. Before we got married my husband pursued me so hard and he wanted to rush to get married. So I said ‘yes’ and now…he files for divorce and that’s it. Wow. I pray for the day to come when I don’t wake up feeling this huge anchor on my chest, the day where he is a distant memory and I wonder what the heck I ever saw in him.”

I don’t know if men who leave their wives regret it, or if the pain of betrayal ever really goes away. I don’t even know if time heals all wounds. But, I do believe that you CAN recover and rebuild your life. You might even find a way to be happier and more fulfilled than you ever were before.

You might even Blossom.

7 Ways to Cope After Your Husband Leaves

Here’s what one famous wife said when her husband walked out:

“I’m not sure what the future holds, but I do know that I’m going to be positive and not wake up feeling desperate,” said Nicole Kidman. “As my dad said ‘Nic, it is what it is, it’s not what it should have been, not what it could have been, it is what it is.’”

It is what it is. These aren’t the most comforting words in the world, are they? But it’s the truth. And the sooner you can accept the truth, the quicker you will begin to heal. Part of accepting the truth might be learning Why He Had an Affair and How to Recover. Your husband’s leaving may be the worst betrayal in marriage and it may be the worst thing your husband could ever do to you…but it’s what happened. The sooner you can accept that it is what it is, the sooner you can move on and create a better, more meaningful, happier life.

Here are seven tips on how to cope when your husband walks out on your marriage. This isn’t legal or financial advice; it’s how to heal your heart and self-esteem.

1. Realize that his leaving isn’t a direct reflection on you

No matter how beautiful, successful, slim, or rich their wives are, some husbands will be unfaithful. Men cheat and leave their marriages for a wide variety of reasons – many of which have nothing to do with their wives. To learn more about cheating husbands, read Is Your Husband Cheating? 5 Signs He’s Having an Affair.

More importantly, remember that your husband left you for another woman because of his problems – which aren’t a reflection of you! It’s not that you’re not good enough, or she’s a better woman. To be able to say “my husband left me for another woman” and survive, keep reminding yourself that your husband left you because he has his own issues.

2. Learn how to forgive your husband for leaving

“When you forgive, you in no way change the past – but you sure do change the future.” – Bernard Meltzer. This may be one of the most difficult thing to do after your husband leaves…and it’s the most necessary.

Don’t carry around the bitterness, misery, and pain of an angry woman. Don’t allow his choice to dictate how you live the rest of your life. Don’t let his mistakes drain the joy, love, and spirit out of your life!

Learn how to forgive. Actually, I should have put “grieve the end of your marriage” at the top of these ways to cope when your husband leaves for another woman. Right now, you’re grieving the loss of your dreams, the end of your marriage, and the pain of discovering that your husband won’t be spending the rest of his life with you. Allow yourself to grieve, and learn how to forgive.

3. Stop comparing yourself to the other woman

You have strengths and weaknesses that she doesn’t have, and she has strengths and weaknesses that you don’t have. It’s pointless and futile to compare yourself to her, to try to figure out why your husband left. It’s a waste of time and energy! Accept the fact that for some reason, your husband had to go. It’s not even about you; it’s about him.

If it makes you feel better, make a list of your strengths and her weaknesses, and read them when you feel down on yourself. But I actually think it’s better not to compare yourself to the other woman at all. You need to focus on moving onwards and upwards after your husband leaves, not on what the other woman has that you don’t. This is your time to concentrate on healing and personal growth. It doesn’t matter who or what she is…what matters is that you have a life to rebuild, a self-image to recreate, and a new identity to focus on.

When He Leaves: Help and Hope for Hurting Wives by Kari West and Noelle Quinn will give you hope and encouragement as you learn how to cope after your husband walks out. There are no easy answers – but you can reach out for companionship and the knowledge that you are not alone.

4. Spend time with women who survived when their husbands walked out

Who will walk alongside you, as you work through the pain and process your loss? If you don’t know who to talk to, consider asking your friends and family members if they know a woman whose husband left her.

How to Cope When Your Husband Leaves You for HerIf she survived the end of her marriage in healthy ways – and if she’s stronger, happier, and healthier – spend time with her. Ask if you can buy her a coffee; learn how she overcame pain of his cheating on you and leaving. Soak up her courage, health, and wisdom.

One of the best ways to survive a traumatic event – and learning how to cope when your husband leaves you for another woman is definitely a type of trauma – is to connect with people who know what you’re going through. Gain strength and healing from women who have survived similar problems in life. Join a grief support group, or form your own little group of women who surviving such a major change in their lives.

5. Let go of your old hopes and dreams for your marriage

If you think your marriage isn’t over, read How to Know if Your Relationship is Worth Fighting For. But don’t fight reality. Don’t allow your wishes and pain to change how you see the truth. It’s better to face and accept the truth – to surrender to what is – instead of wishing your life could go back to the way things were.

And remember that you’re not just grieving the fact that your husband left you for another woman. You’re not simply mourning the loss of him as a man. You’re actually grieving the end of something that was so important to you. Your marriage may have been the focus of your life, and saying “my husband left me for another woman” may be the most painful words you ever utter. You lost something you believed in and thought would last forever. So, you’re grieving the end of the marriage you thought you had, that you hoped you had…you’ve been betrayed, and you aren’t as innocent and trusting as you were before.

This is a huge loss, and I am sorry you have to go through this. But to heal, you have to grieve not only the loss of a husband, but the loss of your marriage, the loss of the things you hoped for on your wedding day. You need to grieve the painful reality that your husband left you for her, and that you have to rebuild your life.

6. Get help coping with the end of your marriage

Counseling is about making sense of your life, and figuring out how to move on after betrayals, heartaches, and heartbreaks. Talking through your problems with an objective counselor, spiritual leader, or psychologist can help you let go. An objective professional can help you see your big life picture and your more detailed personality characteristics.

husband left me for herIn He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After 40, Erica Manfred Erica Manfred shares her own divorce experience, as well as the advice of experts, with specific sections tailored to women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s.

If you feel lost and helpless because your husband said he doesn’t love you anymore, don’t spin your wheels alone. Invest in yourself emotionally and spiritually – a counselor or a support group for divorced women can help you make sense of what why your husband left. You need to focus on picking up the pieces of your life and starting a fresh new chapter of your life.

how to cope when your husband leaves you for another womanRunaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife’s Guide to Recovery and Renewal by Kari West and Noelle Quinn will help you start feeling better yourself, your life, and your future. It won’t be easy, but you WILL survive.

7. Start something new in your life

This is your chance to embark on a new chapter in your social, professional, personal, or spiritual life! Volunteer, take a solo or group vacation, join a new gym, take a night class, join a support group, check out a new social club, quit your job, go back to school. Surviving a breakup can be about growing into the woman you were meant to be – and about exploring a different part of your life and personality. This may be the end of one stage of your life…but it can be the beginning of a whole new era! It’s up to you…

For more tips on coping when your husband leaves you for her, read How to Let Go of a Relationship.

If you need to talk about why your husband left you for another woman, please share below! Sometimes writing is the healthiest thing you can do. I can’t give advice, but I’m here to listen.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

1,318 thoughts on “Comfort and Healing After Your Husband Leaves You for Another Woman”

  1. I am a 37 year old woman with 2 teenage kids My husband left all 3 if us 5 months ago for a woman he met a work. We were a close knit family the 4 of us did everything together. And back in January he told me he met someone else and shes black and I am white (he is white also) I am not racist I’m simply pointing it out because I know I couldnt compete Physically she and I are complete opposites and for that reason I felt I couldn’t compete I don’t know anything else about her other than the few details hes given me. He moved in with her a month after he left us and I say us because he didnt just stop communicating with me He stopped being a dad to our kids too! Sometimes he will send them text messages but they are so hurt at this point that they don’t even open the messages. Both my kids are struggling because of this blow and I am more angry at him for that than anything! I see the pain in their eyes somedays and I just dont know what to do! How can a “Man” be a dad for 13 and 15 Years to 2 wonderful children and then quit out of nowhere!! He and I were best friends He was my Everything! We never argued or anything he was head of our household and we all did whatever he wanted I did everything I could to make sure he was happy And now that it was all for nothing I cant help But be mad at myself because I sacrificed my own happiness And at times my kids happiness just so He was happy. It makes me sick to think I spent 17 Years trying to make this man happy and keep him happy and I got 2 Great Kids but I’m struggling to support all 3 of us now because I get No Help from my husband whatsoever He refuses to give me money And we have both changed our #s He cant reach me He doesnt even know when or where we moved once or twice a month he sends these random text messages to our kids saying “I love you” But this just started and for months he didnt even try to talk to them so they dont want anything from him Unless he comes home But he hates me now so I know he wont come back He is all into his new girlfriend and out of respect for her he is truly hateful towards me (well he was when we were still communicating) Now we dont talk or text or anything And it’s so sad because he was my world and this all blind sided me I thought our marriage meant something to him like it does me I thought our family was worth fighting for How can he just walk away after 17 years?!! I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel but I hope and pray it shows up soon because this emotional roller coaster filled with more sad days than happy days is really wearing me out. I’ve lost 26 lbs. Which is Great but I cant sleep and I barely eat I don’t let my kids see me cry anymore which means I break down in the shower just about everyday. I don’t have any friends here just a few acquaintances and my mom and sister are both 10-12 hours away I would move closer to them but I don’t want to take my kids away from the little bit of stability they have left at the moment because they are both struggling enough as it is At least I hope I’m making the right decision by staying here honestly I dont know I have never had to make such big decisions on my own before so it’s tough I found this website and I’m hoping sharing my story to all of you who can relate will help me in moving forward because this is by far the hardest thing I have ever done.

    1. Anyes, please read other women’s stories here. You will find the way you feel right now is so typical of others’ experiences it’s uncanny. Why men do these things is a mystery. Are they all jerks or are men so different to us and we never realised? I ponder this every day.

      Cry, yell, vent to your family by phone….whatever it takes to get the anger and frustration out of your system. I promise that as difficult as it is we are all testament to the fact that you will survive this and you will be happy again. What crazy place is head is at we women will never fully understand so don’t bother trying. Just concentrate entirely on you and the kids and making life bearable. Return home to the family if you want. You too are important. We tend as mothers to put our kids first but they are adaptable and being with a mother who is supported and happier is good for them as well. You will find that the children and you will forge stronger bonds due to this. A lot of good things will come out of this I promise. At least you know what type of person he really is. We were all fooled into thinking they were better people than they really were.

  2. It happens to a lot of good women.
    My husband put the divorce on hold in March and now he started again and running on fumes…

  3. My husband and I have been married for 28 years. We have 3 kids who are adults now. Almost 20 years ago we started a business that we run together. About a month ago he started talking about how unhappy we both were in our marriage. And I agreed with him, I wasn’t happy. He was drinking all the time, staying out late and partying like he’s a 20 year old. Add in the recent next door neighbours that moved here 3 years ago who the wife likes to drink and party too. Over the past couple of months I started noticing things like when we were over at their place if she disappeared somewhere so did he. I called him on it asking him if he was sleeping with her. He never said no I’m not he would just talk in circles and make me think he wasn’t. But this past Sunday I discovered that she (the neighbour ) had moved out of her home and since we were having so many problems I confronted him on it asked him again if there was something going on still he talked his away around it. It wasn’t until I looked up our phone records and realized how many times they talk and text and for how long that I just finally came out and said ‘you are sleeping with her’ Then he finally admitted it. Now , 4 days later he’s living with her and I don’t sleep, all I do is cry and each day feels like forever. I’ve found a new level of hell. I can’t see past right now. I don’t know how to get through this. My doctor prescribed sleeping pills but my brain won’t settle long enough. My husband and my dream was to go up north and live there. We bought property and last year started building. We were scheduled to be in the house by the fall. Now this! I can’t believe this has happened. Of course all I do is think the last few days. I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it’s there but it’s just darkness right now. I’m in so much pain. It’s hurts so much

    1. Oh Lesley, we all have been there and felt the same level of despair. Just last August I was where you are right now. I wanted to kill myself, planned how and fought so hard against the impulse. I was desperate to end my life but afraid to take that final step. My son took me to the doctor and I was admitted into a private hospital covered by our insurance. It was 3 weeks of sanctuary as I was nurtured and cared for and counselled. I cried a lot of the time but I began to see for my kids’ sake I had to get through it. I screamed abuse at him over the phone, made empty threats, saw a lawyer, cried some more and talked and talked until my friends and kids were no doubt fed up. Alone I plotted revenge and wrote him hate filled emails. It helped me to process all this anger, rejection and helplessness and every now and again there would be an epiphany. We sold the house, split the assets and went our separate ways. He went off on an overseas holiday that we had planned to take but she went with him. Some weeks I took 3 steps forward and the next it would be 2 steps back but I got there faster than I thought. I began to see that I hadn’t lost anyone worth having and deep down I had known this for years. Eventually I began to see his girlfriend as my saviour. If she hadn’t come along I would have stayed with this idiot forever. I wondered whether God had actually worked in a mysterious way to save me from a life of deep unhappiness. I found it wasn’t hard to live without him it just took time to adjust. If I make it sound easy I can assure you it wasn’t. But every month I felt a bit better and by 4 months I was pretty good. I bought a property and I move in next week. He has been decent enough to give me more than 50% without a lawyer getting involved. We share our dogs and we are now perfectly civil to each other. He is still with her but she’s very well off and won’t let him move in. I think he probably regrets going but won’t admit it (I haven’t asked) because he knows I would never agree to living with him again. I look at him now and see what a shallow, immature fool he is. His kids have no respect for him but are polite. He has lost far more than me. You will get through this and you will find a new way to live and be happy. I still have moments of disbelief that my life took this direction but I just take a day or week at a time and make no long term plans. I never drink but in the early days I took brandy with a sedative to help it work. I inhaled essential oils, i played calming meditation music off Youtube and I eventually could sleep again. Seeing what happened as a positive thing for me changed my perspective. Lots of stories here like yours and millions more out there suffering through things like this. Be kind to yourself and do whatever brings you some little bit of happiness. Like me you may get through this faster than you think.

  4. Hey ladies, it’s me again! How can my husband of 17 years, 23 total, just act like I never even existed to him! It blows my mind and hurts my heart so bad! How can he just drop off our kids, then go right back to her and their little apartment? I don’t get it! My heart is completely broken!

    1. Dawn I just wrote a response to Therese but I will say this to you as well.
      When we stop trying to understand how he could do this to us we do ourselves a favour. Don’t imagine he thinks like you because he doesn’t. Men are often emotionally small children who want what they want and that’s it. Just concentrate on looking out for ourselves and our kids and don’t waste your energy thinking about him. He’s not thinking about you, I guarantee it.
      When I realised that thinking about him and her was just tormenting myself, (I wasn’t even on their radar), I decided not to give them any of my energy and thus empower him to hurt me more. It’s not easy because hate and resentment are addictive in a way because we feel justified in our anger. But our anger is counterproductive to our own happiness so please try not to let it overwhelm you.

  5. In April 2018 My 53 year old husband whom I’d been with for 22 years and raised 2 boys with left me for a 22 year old sex worker he met at a rub and tug exotic massage parlour. They are still in a relationship together. I was totally blindsided.
    The weird thing was at first when he was discovered he refused to move out of the marital bed or the house and started being extremely verbally abusive. He was trying to protect his assets and kick me to the curb. After a long battle which involved a period of nesting I am finally in the marital home with my boys. He is living with her. It was a trip to hell And back and his vindictive and abusive nature was shocking and frightening.

    My husband and family had been the center of my life and I truly thought we’d be together till death do us part. I’d put him on a pedestal and thought I couldn’t live without him. The betrayal took a big toll on my youngest son.
    At first the pain was so bad in my heart I literally felt stabbed I could feel the pain like a knife going in my heart and coming out my back. This lasted for months.
    He has been bitter in divorce and is seeing to it that I don’t get anything. He’s punishing me even though he is the one that left the relationship. It’s costing a fortune in lawyers fees and he is being extremely difficult. He has already fired his lawyer and is on to his second.
    I went to therapy, got a job, started dating took care of myself and did everything to nurture and help myself. However, despite moving forward it’s still a battle and recovery is never linear. It does get gradually better.
    Working hard on my self pity and victim mentality and focusing on gratitude rather than bitterness is both challenging and the only way forward.
    Truly feeling and being with my darkest emotions and releasing and not denying them was the way forward. Sometimes I was afraid to truly feel my emotions and release them because it seemed they were so powerful they would kill me. I was so scared and vulnerable and felt truly alone.
    It took a year for each decade of marriage to truly heal. Be kind to yourself. Be patient. Have faith you can heal and do these things for yourself.

    Reading The book “letting go” the pathway to surrender was life changing for me. It’s what made the penny drop for me. I would highly recommend it to anyone struggling to find a way forward.

    I’m happy to have found this forum to share such a painful experience and to know that I am not alone.

    1. Wow, Therese, that is one awful experience you’ve had. You are an amazing woman to have survived and come out stronger and wiser. We all have different stories with the same theme and we each have different strengths and weaknesses to overcome but what is apparent is that we can get there at our own pace and learn a ton of stuff about human nature on the way.
      One thing I’ve definitely learnt is that men are very different to women. They have different needs and different ways of thinking than we do. When we try and understand them it’s difficult because we can’t fathom their mental process. Apparently a woman’s focus on her children and family is different to a man’s. We don’t feel like it’s a huge sacrifice to put them first but they seem to think they’re denying themselves something when they do. And that makes them resentful and dissatisfied particularly if they think we don’t value them enough. Of course we don’t necessarily feel valued either but we just get on with it because we’re not as egocentric and we accept situations that aren’t perfect particularly as we get older. We resign ourselves to the situation and make our girlfriends and families a source of comfort and an outlet for our emotions, particularly if our husbands are emotionally unavailable to us. This further alienates men who start looking for some other woman to make them feel special and to provide some sexual excitement and there is always some bitch who doesn’t view marriage as a impediment to her seeking a relationship. Of course I have made a lot of sweeping generalisations about men and women but in most cases I believe this to be true. When we stop trying to understand how he could do this to us we do ourselves a favour. Don’t imagine he thinks like you because he doesn’t. Men are often emotionally small children who want what they want and that’s it. Just concentrate on looking out for ourselves and our kids and don’t waste your energy thinking about him. He’s not thinking about you, I guarantee it.

  6. It is so nice to hear stories like mine! My 40 year old husband of almost 17 years cheated on me, with a 25 year old girl he hired at work. We have been together for 23 years, since we were 16 years old. He lied about it for 2 months, and was going back and forth. I found out and filed for divorce at beginning of March. He got an apartment with her right away after that! It is killing me! I am broken and my heart is shattered! We have a 13 year old boy and a 9 year old girl. He has told my kids many times that their mom and dad being separated or divorced is something that they never had to worry about. He just flipped like a light switch to another person. I have good and bad days, but most of time I am just devastated. I have been a stay at home mom ever since our son was born, almost 14 years ago. I am basically lost and don’t know what to do with myself. He seems so happy and I am miserable and it just isn’t fair! We haven’t even divorced yet and he is flaunting her all around town, and I have to see them everywhere! I hate this!

    1. I am sorry Dawn that you too are a member of the club and are suffering the same devastation that we all have suffered. You can rest assured that you are not alone in how you feel and are among friends here. I wish I understood the male psyche that makes them forsake all the things supposedly dear to them for the excitement of being with someone new. Nor do I understand how other women can have affairs with our husbands and live with themselves. There is a great deal of pure selfishness in this world and if you’re like me you sure hope they pay for all the pain they cause. I do so hope karma exists. Some days I look around me and all the havoc he has caused and I think “All this upheaval in my life and our kids’ lives just so you can sleep with someone else.” In a nutshell, that’s what this is all about. One can’t help but wonder what they tell themselves to justify what they have done. In the beginning that bothered me a lot ie all the lies about how it was all my fault. Not so much now the dust has settled. The truth becomes apparent eventually and if it doesn’t, so what? My life is my only focus now and I am anxious to be settled and getting on with that life as soon as possible. It’s a process that we all need to go through; the slow business of coming to terms with it, the grieving, the pain of rejection and then the sun coming out again and the realisation that life goes on and we can adjust. Some of us hang onto the anger longer than is healthy but we all cope the best way we know how. Do try to behave with dignity and pride for the sake of your children. They are learning how to cope with loss from their mother. When my kids tell me how well I’ve pulled myself together, I smile and think “If you only knew”. But at least they have one parent they can be proud of and depend upon to behave like an adult. (I did fall apart initially but I quickly realised this was doing nobody any good, least of all me.). Just getting out of bed and looking after your kids is a monumental effort at times but it gets easier as time goes by. Don’t let your kids suffer too much from the actions of their dad. Loving our kids and wanting to ease their pain must be our focus and it will help you ride out the storm which does not last forever. One day you will be glad he is no longer in your life. I look at my husband now and wonder what I ever saw in him.

      1. Thank you so much Anna! It is just so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now! All I see is darkness and I am trying.

        1. I know Dawn, believe me I know. I’ve been there and come out the other end but even so I still have moments when I think “Has this really happened? Did he really just walk away from our lovely family and lovely home and comfortable life just to sleep with someone else?” But yeah he did, without a moment’s hesitation. Men are so stupid. Their brains are located you know where. And to think I was dumb enough to waste 40 years if my life on him. More fool I, I guess, for never realising just how selfish and shallow he really was. And seriously I have no respect for him any longer. I wouldn’t take him back under any circumstances whatsoever and I hope one day to have the pleasure of telling him that.

  7. I pop in from time to time,and god how I’ve felt everything you are all feeling. Its over 3 years since the preverbial hit the fan and boy has alot happened.
    Let me tell you what I’ve learnt…
    Never accept the crumbs he offers, know that whatever he says,IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!
    Take great care of yourself, even if you feel terrible, get out,push yourself and build your circle of friends.
    I know the feeling of not sleeping,not being able to focus,the constant talking to anyone who will listen,but you realkt dont realise just how brave and strong you can be.
    I cut my ex off immediately, and that was hard,only communicated regarding our child. I fought for reasonable maintenance and got everything I asked for,I went back to work,hit my own ar,handed him the other car back ( that was a high point,just seeing his face), I sought out a brilliant therapist and found out the biggest thing ever… I’m a great person,who adds value to so many.
    Took my ex 6 months to realise that the OW wasnt exactly what he was looking for. He started being extra nice,complementing etx,but I simply didnt entertain him. I know I’m worth far more than he will ever know.
    2 years after the split I met a man by sheer chance who has changed my world. We fell in love very quickly,something that hit me right between the eyes and I havent been happier.
    The ex is in a sad place and has lost everything,and he knows it…hes told me many times. We are able to chat and he remains a good dad.
    There is life after cheating. If you think your relationship can be fixed great,but I was never a second place kind of woman. I will never let any man treat me and his family with such distain. We were always worth so much more. Hugs all. Keep fighting to get through it,be KIND to yourself and YES,you we ALWAYS ENOUGH xxx

    1. Sasha you are a hero. Thank you for coming back to share that you are doing so well. My ex left 5 month ago and he moved in with his mistress. I have good and bad days. Today was one on those bad days were I just missed him and our family so much, but your history gives me hopes and reminds me that I’m worth 10000x more than all this. Is a process and I look forward to start a new life. Thank you!!

      1. Hey maya, just keep going ,your doing great. Those days where you feel like you will burst,through thinking about him….STOP!!! Go for a walk,listen to music really loudly, redecorate,and re focus.. .whatever floats your boat. You are worth 100000000x more than he will ever know.

        This is your time,so use it productively. I’m 52 and gave so much more energy ( most days) I feel valued,loved, sexy,and I know that life can be great.
        Hugs bunny xxx

    2. Sasha, thank you so much for sharing. I tell women now, the best thing that you can do for yourself when your husband cheats on you is to walk away and never look back. I made the mistake of fighting for my marriage when my husband cheated on me for two years straight. It was a lot of back-and-forth over that 2 years but finally the affair ended. However, we never fully recovered from all of that and it was a mistake for me to stay. It literally changed me into a different person. Several years later I was still so heartbroken and there was so much of what happened that remained unresolved: felt like I never got closure and he was never fully remorseful for what he did and as a result I ended up in my own affair that he found out about. I was planning on leaving but he asked me to stay. He started fighting (or so it seemed) for the marriage and I stayed but he eventually became resentful and the covert emotional abuse started. It’s been almost 20 years of drama between the two of us and I attribute all of it to his affair and the fact that I didn’t see my worth enough to leave. I will tell any woman today that if he cheats on you, learn to forgive him but DO NOT STAY. I thought I was the lucky one who kept my marriage intact and that he came back because I was better than her or because he loved me and not her. I sit here today and say that SHE was the lucky one that got away. Most of my marriage after that was filled with so much confusion and heartache. I did more damage to myself by staying.

  8. I totally feel for you. You are better off without him. Mine left me for my ex widowed best friend. And do you know what they just dont care, and they feel absolutely no guilt. I like you turn 50 at the end of this year. You have to learn to live and love yourself, and do what makes you happy. My thoughts are with you. It eventually gets better but takes time.

  9. We were high school sweethearts, married for almost 25 years and 3 kids (1 in college & 2 in high school). It started 3 years ago when he cheated with a co-worker. He said it was over and wanted to work on the marriage. Well, it was never over and they continued to cheat. She left her husband and 3 kids over a year ago and finally he left me about 2 months ago, right before COVID hit (‘Im in TX). He says he doesn’t want a divorce, but I think he just doesn’t want to look like the bad guy. He still denies he left me for her, but when given the choice….he picks her over our life. I am completely devastated. I turn 50 this year and have been with him since I was 17. I am a homemaker and haven’t really worked since my oldest was born. Besides being completely devastated emotionally, I don’t know how I am going to make it financially. Getting out of bed is difficult, much less trying to find a job in the economy. I hate sounding like such a sad sap, but my life as I knew it is over. I feel like I have lost everything and he just doesn’t care.

    1. Hi Wendy

      My husband went to see his old flame in October last year and sine then has moved out, then took our son to live with hi in February since he had back problems that turned to be metastatic prostate cancer in March.
      I feel the same as you he does not care anymore.
      He came back from seeing her a totally different person that only cares for the OW.
      He told me one day as I was crying when he picked up our son ( when our son still lived with me in January ) Go to the doctor and find a job I want you to be independent.
      He said that as I felt I was drowning…
      I do not feel like doing much these days…
      I always have the television on when I am not asleep to keep me company and it helps me not thinking about the betrayal and the heartache…though even when I am watching Grey’s Anatomy thoughts keep coming in…
      Have been unable to sleep in the bed since he slept there one night after he came back from being with her in October.
      I am like you Wendy it is hard to get out of the couch…
      Wonder if he thinks it was really worth to be like a man again and destroy our family.
      I have had so many times the thought that it would be so nice to fall asleep and not wake up.
      I hear it get better…
      I have no family here in California except for my daughter who says do something positive MOM and my son who stays at his dad all the time now since March because he wants to help his dad who has cancer.
      The good thing in my life is 2 female friends and my cats and dogs; they want to be around me and my television.
      Yes I hear you Wendy…you are no alone having been abandoned by a cruel man.
      I turned 55 in January.
      My husband chose to feel young again with an old flame who is 9 years than him.
      Coincidence that they pick younger women?
      No they are old men who want to recapture their youth.
      Good luck with that having metastatic prostate cancer!

    2. Hi again Wendy
      Forgot to mention that like you I met him when I was 15 and he was 17 in the south of France and now 40 years later…
      You are in Texas, I am in Southern California.
      You see Wendy a woman can be from any country, have any kind of body, any skills,
      a man is always tempted to be a superman.
      I call this kind of men: a super douche!
      Hang in there Wendy, it is terribly hard but it gets better then worse then better and again better little by little…or does it?
      Seven months and still I feel my life is over…
      You would think your kids would side with the dumped one who is totally heart broken.
      I have been told they cannot pick one parent…

  10. Hi all, a friend suggested I attempt to contact others who might understand what I’m going through and this seems to be the right platform. My husband of almost 30 years came home just on 4 weeks ago and announce that he was cheating on me and was leaving…. that was it! nothing more or less, I like my 2 adult sons were blindsided.. we were all getting on really well, actually what felt like the best family unite in many years. we had just spent a lot of money on to be upcoming overseas travel to celebrate our 30th wedding ann. i thought our relationship was good…. now i am lost… we are all feeling betrayed and i personally am not sure how i cane move forward.

    1. Well as you can see you are certainly not alone. My situation very much the same ie 38 years married, planning an overseas trip, totally blindsided, adult sons unable to believe it etc. it hardly seems possible that it was 10 months ago as so much has happened. Firstly, I went to pieces and wanted to die. Kids found out and took me the doctor who said I had to go to hospital. In Australia this is very affordable under our health system and I had 3 very peaceful weeks in a lovely place being counselled and supported. I decided that I would have a life without him and I wanted it to start NOW! I insisted our home be sold immediately because I was not having him back, not a second time. He did this 17 years ago but it didn’t work out and I took him back. I thought at 64 he would be over such nonsense but he is still sex mad and thought he would get more from her. I think that is the reason he left. He was like I’m leaving with some bullshit excuse and was gone that day. So I distracted myself with the sale of the house while he started planning his overseas holiday with her. Some days my anger was overwhelming but I had friends to talk to and the boys were wonderful. I worked hard on letting go of the anger, I really did.
      He has bought a dump and I have bought a brand new townhouse and move in a few weeks. Meanwhile I live in my son’s house and he moved in with his girlfriend. I negotiated a good property settlement and we share our dogs. As predicted by me the new relationship has not worked out as he’d hoped. They went to Paris and had to return early due to Covid 19. She sees very little of him now which I think has disappointed him greatly. He has started being very friendly towards me now which is fine cos he knows I will never take him back. I am no longer angry and have made a new life for myself centred on a few good friends and my children and grandkids.
      This is not where I thought I’d be at 68 and I do have a few stress induced health problems but I’m quite happy now. I know I’m resilient because that’s my nature. Had a lot of crap to contend with in my life from relationships and I had to be or go under. I come on here to try and help others because it helps me in the process.
      Believe in yourself and your self worth; lean on your boys a bit but not too much; crying helps; look to the future and how to get the best deal for yourself; I played the victim card (to make him give me more than half) for all it was worth; but don’t believe you’re a victim because therein madness lies. I find distraction helped tremendously but I still got depressed and cried a lot for the first 6 months but I never stopped working towards a better future. I actually feel sorry for the poor schmuck who has come out of this worse than he expected. Did I mention this woman has millions in the bank? Turned out she didn’t want to share it with him. LOL.

  11. It happens to me 3.5 years ago and I am still alone. Mine did the same left me for my bff. I am no longer bitter but I do not trust men now. I would like to get back out there as I am pushing close to 50. I tried dating sites for bigger women but all they want is s** I give up. But karma has bit him in the butt as he is not doing so well health wise but then that is his problem. Learn yo love yourselves and in time the pain will go away.

      1. Someone asked me if I was happier now after living apart from my cheating husband for 10 months. I had to really think about. The thing is I was reasonably happy living with him despite his annoying habits and frequent absences. After 38 years you accept all that and don’t expect or need domestic bliss. It was massively upsetting to be left for this woman he hardly knew. He was convinced she fancied him and she probably did but I don’t think it has worked out at all as he expected. We still talk civilly. I can’t maintain hostility for long, it’s not in my nature.
        Anyway there is no way I want him back that is for sure, not now I’ve recovered from the shock and have bought my own place. But am I happier? Probably not. I’ve gained some and I’ve lost some. We are all supposed to have a happiness quotient that we operate on as a norm. After winning the lottery people report after about a year being no happier than they were before. I think that’s me. I’ve gained my equilibrium and I’m about where I was before this happened. Not sure if others agree but we are all different. At 68 I can’t be bothered with men anymore, that’s for sure.

  12. Last year I caught my husband of 10 years having an affair with a business associate. He is still with her. I struggle most with him being in a long-term relationship with someone that destroyed our marriage and I struggle with embarrassment for both me and my kids. Anyone find themselves with similar struggles? How do you deal with this?

    1. Hi Meghan,

      I am going through a very similar and painful situation. We were married for 8 together for 12. We have 4 kids- a family business- and his new partner moved from 4 hours away and bought a house within 2 miles of ours. He left 2 weeks ago on Saturday and I am not coping well. If you would ever like to chat (I know that may sound strange) I am here for you. Danielle

      1. Hi Danielle,
        This has just happened to me, my husband is leaving me for a work colleague he has known for 8 years… we have been together for 12 years and he has also admitted to cheating on me throughout our whole relationship. We have two small children, the youngest is nearly 2. This is now day 3 and I just can’t cope. I’m in a hard situation as I’m living in Helsinki, Finland with him and the children as my husband is from Finland and I am from the UK. I can not legally take the children to England and I couldn’t actually do that to them or him, so I’m now held hostage here away from my family who I need right now. He was also in total control of the finances and I have not been working, we signed a pretty tight prenup so I’m just now left with nothing in a country that’s not my home. I just don’t know how I’m going to cope. I’m so sorry if this message is too much I just don’t know what to do or where to start xx

      2. Hi all. I’m glad to have found this page. My husband left about 6 months ago and is in a relationship with my friend. I have a hard time understanding how I can miss I’m so much even after all this and how he can’t miss me the same. I want to be able to not care but it’s hard. I still want him home .. we were married at 18 for 11 years. We have two kids and they miss their family being together.


        1. Beth, you are grieving for the marriage and family life you had. Of course you miss your husband, there is a huge void he has left behind. It is unfortunately true, however, that there is no void in his life right now. He is caught up in this new adventure which proved so irresistible to all the men mentioned in this forum. He may miss aspects of your life together but he is where he chooses to be and that is his focus right now. We all have to accept the reality of that fact.
          I don’t want my husband back but he was not much of a companion to me, even at the best of times. I was considering asking him if he now regrets leaving me, as his new relationship has not panned out as he hoped. I want to hear that he does but I thought better of asking. Even if he does he won’t admit it, and there is a good chance he still thinks it was worth the gamble. His regard for me was not what I thought it was or he would not have left. I think we grieve for what we thought we had but the reality was something quite different in our husbands’ minds.

    2. Meghan, the same thing that has happened to me, although my ex led a double life. I found out 4 years into our marriage; foolishly took him back, I was vulnerable as I lived in a city with no close relatives/close friends. I was gaslighted at every moment, manipulated and fed so much lies I actually started to believe I was going mad! If I questioned him it was causing us/our relationship to focus on what he’d ‘done wrong’ instead of focusing on ‘our future’ this level of commitment to deceit pathed his life ya straight back to his work colleague who maintained this type of relationship until I suppose female hormones kicked in and she was looking some serious commitment from my ex. It worked…. oh I gotta give it to her, she played a blinder; took herself on a 3 month world trip and told my ex that he better have left his family for her! He left on New Year’s Eve sneaking out like a coward in the middle of the night. That was 3 1/2 years after I discovered the affair. So in hindsight I wasn’t myself on empty promises. Initially she didn’t want him, I suppose let him wait as she had done. So yes two days later he wanted me back, this time I refused I told him I’d to have some dignity. I was very kind in those initial weeks. Then once he’d told his wonderful parents he reverted to Mr Nasty, this above all broken my heart, the realisation that he really doesn’t care about me. He has done some awful things since the new year, but I’m still strong – I will never be broken. I turn 45 tomorrow, a young 45 I’m told! I’ve been told my sparkle has returned and I embrace every opportunity that my future holds. I now know they have rekindled their relationship and now I’m struggling with her now being part of my daughters life. She can have my lost dreams, she can have my husband but my daughter is just one step too far. Covid-19 have put a stall on out divorce. I gotta play this sensibly, I have to take from this marriage and much as possible. I must point out in order for his career to proceed I stopped working to be mum for a while. I have to go back into n a junior position and work my way up the ranks all over again but now at 45. That makes me bitter. Also his earning potential is triple mine. I wish I knew how this story will play out. Maybe one day I will read this comment and finish the story. Until then Meghan should you need to chat I’m your woman, sometimes we forget how wonderful we are. Chin up better things are in store for you I just know it!
      Love Tracey

    3. I’m going threw the same thing!! My husband and I were together for 16years married for going on our 10year wedding anniversary in August. He snook out one night while I was asleep. Just 2 weeks ago. She was an ex boss/ friend of mine. That clearly knew we were married and together. We have 3 children the relationship has been rocky for a long time. I’m trying to figure how to heal from this for me and my kids.

  13. Last year, during what I thought was a tender moment my husband of 30+ years, tells me he has been involved with someone else and was no longer in love with me. He’d been having an affair with a co-worker, who is in an abusive marriage, for over 5 years. He is going to “save” her. I was shocked, I had a good husband, he never gave me any idea that he was unhappy with our marriage. I love him, so I asked that we try to save our marriage. He agreed. One year later, things were going ok. Intimacy was still off, but we were getting along very well. Then he was seen by a good friend of mine with the other woman, parked, and obviously involved. When I confronted him he confessed he was torn between the 2 lives he had created and did not know how to get out. Apparently, never seeing her again was not an option. Now,we have been in lockdown since March, we get along very well, as we always did,things are polite but distant. He speaks to her regularly but has not had any contact. I feel like my life is on hold, yet I’m afraid of the future. That is my story. I haven’t told anyone about my situation so this feels good. Thank You for allowing me to share it.

    1. Hi Christina,
      Same thing happened to me October 19th of 2019.
      My husband of 30 years and friend for 39 years went to a “business meeting in Munich” on the 13th.
      But on the 15th a man called my house to ask for my email.
      The man said he wanted to send me infos about my husband.
      I did not give him my email of course but asked him where he was calling from he said:”Andorra” and I hung up shattered.
      In August I had seen a photo on FB from a woman who had slept with my husband when she was 17 and my husband was 25.
      I called right away my 23 year old daughter who called her dad who told her he had goe to see someone.
      My daughter did not tell me of course this but came back home and waited for her dad to announce to me he went to see paola and wanted a divorce to be with her.
      She was accusing her husband of being abusive and an alcoholic.
      And she was working in a spa.
      My husband did not think he was saving her since she had a job.
      After that horrible 6 weeks in the same home.
      On the 4th of December he moved out.
      Then my 14 year old son started to live with him in February.
      Then on March 5th my husband was diagnosed with metastatic prostate cncer and my kids and I were there to hold his hand for his back surgery.
      He asked me to come to his home with him since he was on his won.
      Then since I saw him talking to his woman on his cell I decided to go to my house.
      Since then he has my son an never once did he call me or invited me for me to see them.
      He put the divorce on hold.
      And I am simply miserable.
      My only support is two female friends I have who are also my neighbors.
      I do not see the end of the abandonment/cancer/covid-19 horrific tunnel…

  14. After 10 years with my husband, He came home from work one day crying and after much comforting on my end, confessed to me that he did not love me anymore and wanted a divorce. This came out of no where. Especially because I thought everything was completely fine. We had just purchase our home and almost settled into it. We were even intimate up until the night before he broke the news. If you asked me if there was any signs, id say there was not. Of course we would have typical fights, but not to the point that it would lead to this. He would look at me in the eye everyday and tell me he loved me. For the next week after he broke the news he would come home late (saying that he wanted to be alone), but felt to me as almost as if he was trying to avoid me. Id would try talking to him, determined to find a reason for this sudden change and my words would fall on deaf ears. He stopped coming come that Friday, saying that a break would do us good. And a few days later he came back home to confirm what he had already told me. That he simply did not love me anymore and that there was no hope that a break would go us any good. That his mind was simply made up….I never received a response. He walked away and asked that I file for divorce or tell him how to do it….He asked for my ring back and I said i was not ready to give it to him…I asked him every day since he broke the news whether there was another women, and he would say there was not.

    On Sunday I turn on my computer to find that his emails were open, an email being for a reservation he did for the best hotel/room in town for next weekend. This reservation was made the night he confirmed everything to me.

    So here I am, rushing to get divorced because that is what he wants. I am here feeling as empty, worthless, and sad as can be. Trying to not only figure out what went wrong, but also trying to find out what I failed to give him that was pushing him away. I was dragged through the mud and even still i love him. Even still I hope that he comes back. Every ounce of me trying to stop myself from going down there and seeing it for myself. But know that it would do me no good but hurt me more. After giving him every opportunity to be honest with me, why lie about it? Why treat me as if I never existed. He avoids my texts, blocks my calls and only has responded via email to the divorce papers I sent him.

    How can a man erase someone from their life so easily?

    1. Dear Daniella I wish I had an answer to your question but this whole Wife Abandonment Syndrome is completely baffling to me. While I accept the fact that men and women are wired differently I cannot explain or accept that in your case, my case and all of the other women that this has happened to how these men can completely forget us as though we never existed. My soon to be ex only gets in touch with me when it is to move this whole divorce process along. Like you, I had to file for a divorce that I didn’t want and pay for it because he wanted the divorce and he claimed he didn’t want to spend the money. He wanted me to do it online myself. I realized this was not the way to go because I did not feel I could handle that, work full time, keep it together and make sure that I didn’t come out of all of this losing everything.
      On top of everything else my son is having such a hard time with all of this because like me he has abandoned our son. My son has a family of his own so while he is not a child the loss of his father has really taken its toll on him. He wants answers of how his father could act as if he doesn’t even exist. I don’t have an answer for him.
      I feel that I have moved forward in this whole process, it’s been 9 months since this whole “mess” began, but quite honestly between trying to keep it together at my job everyday, be on my own, deal with the loss of the life I knew and trying to come up with the answers for my son I feel like ending it all. I know I wouldn’t ever do that but that is just how hopeless I feel.
      I didn’t want to make this all about me but I just don’t know how these men can discard their families so easily. This man has abandoned a loving, devoted wife, a loving son that is serving his country, a daughter-in-law that always emotionally cared for this man and a beautiful innocent 3 year old grandson.

      1. Michele, It was comforting to know that there is someone out there that is going through similar troubles as mine. But you are right, no matter the differences between men and women, there is no excuse as human beings to so easily dispose of someone the way that we have been. I feel as if that has been the worse part of this whole ordeal….along with other things. The fact that after spending everyday with this person, they can simply not speak to you at all. Since he left, the only communication I have had has been a response to an email I sent him with divorce documents. Really?… it has come down to only communicating via email? He has blocked my calls, so I am sure text messages as well. Trust that I have not attempted to get in contact with him since, so its not like I gave him a reason to do this.

        I also find it hard to believe that these men would have the audacity to ask us to file for divorce. Like you, he asked me because he did not know how, and I am sure because he did not have the money to pay for it. WHY DO WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING THAT WE DO NOT WANT TO DO? The moment the words left their mouths, they took control of our lives and have been directing them for their benefit. They want out as fast and easiest as possible at our cost. That alone shows the lack of consideration or love they have left for us. Especially in your case, to walk away from his Son? Your son should not have anything to do with the situation. He should continue to he a father over anything else.

        I gave this man EVERYTHING. I’ve made life changing decisions by taking him in consideration and have done everything to make the life we had. I still refuse to believe this happened, but then again we all can. I just wish I did not feel as empty as I do. I feel as If I am no longer myself.

    2. Daniella, I was asking myself your last question only yesterday and we were together 38 years and have children and grandchildren together. He treats me as if I am a stone in his shoe that’s annoying the hell out of him. There is a simple answer unfortunately and that is all about sex and the way it makes men feel to be with a new woman. I know that’s painful to hear but it’s the truth. They say monogamy for men is difficult and I suppose it must be true. They weren’t designed by nature that way and while there are many men who are decent and honourable and resist the attraction of other women they don’t exist in my world or yours or any of the women who post here. I’m still reeling from the fact that he wanted your ring back. ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME? I’m sorry but that takes the cake, it really does. If anything would make me fall out of love in a split second it would be that.

      We toss the word “love” around very liberally when it is such a difficult word to define. What your husband is really saying is that he flat out doesn’t care about you now he has something more tantalising in his life. He may feel guilty but it doesn’t sound like it. At least both of my cheating husbands stopped intimacy once their affairs began. I’m sorry to say this but your husband appears to have few redeeming qualities but I know that doesn’t lessen your pain any.

      How you feel is how we all felt in this situation. It’s hell in the beginning and I remember thinking I could not possibly bear the pain of rejection, loss and fear of the future. The hurt was crippling and seemed insurmountable. It turned out not to be so and I know it will be the case for you too. First you must allow yourself to grieve which is right and natural but always keep an eye on the place you want to be at the end of it ie accepting the truth and ready and able to move on. Get out and about as much as possible visiting family and friends and talking this through. Face the truth of who he has shown himself to be. Maintain your dignity. You did nothing to deserve this by “not giving him what he needed”. What he needed was immature and self serving. Never, ever, ever give the ring back so he can give it to someone else. Not after 10 years. He gave it to YOU my dear and it’s like asking for all the birthday presents back you’ve given a sister or friend if she says something you don’t appreciate. Out of the question.

      Time heals, it truly does and I wish life had a fast forward button I could push for you but it doesn’t. Rest assured everyone here knows how you feel and we were all shattered as you are. Mine was 10 months ago and I found quickly getting on with my life helped enormously. Got busy and sold the house and bought a condo for myself. I am supposed to move in at the end of the month. I plan to make it beautiful on a meagre budget. Someone told me to watch Grace and Frankie and I found lots of stuff to relate to there. It doesn’t matter what your age is when this happens the hurt is the same. Distract yourself by looking after yourself in the best possible way eg go for long walks, spend time with others, do a Marie Kondo on your life and possessions, be selfish and do only what you feel you can, eat delicious food, read good books, listen to soothing music on Youtube. Every day remind yourself that this man is not worth your love and time.

      If you take him back he will do it again, I promise you. I know that from experience. At the moment you want your old life back but that life was a mirage. He’s showing you who he really is so please pay attention.

      1. Anna, I genuinely appreciate your response as I did not anticipate to receive any at all. I guess it has much to do with the hopelessness I’ve been feeling the last few weeks. I would have never in a million years anticipated that he would cheat on me with anyone else. Had he shown signs, I would have been more accepting of the fact that he simply fell out of love with me. Strange to even say it, but is it true. Especially when he would make me feel as special as he did. Everyone saw the love we had; friends, family, coworkers…and they would even phrase us for keeping that “high school sweet hearts” kind of feelings for one another for so long. He looked at me in the eye almost every day to tell me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. That same weekend we were planning on the next city we would move to. We even cooked dinner together and made love. At least that is what I thought it was. As you said, we tend to throw the work love around easily, as sometimes one person can feel it but not the other.

        I am still contemplating whether to give him the ring or not…there are other things on the line that are worth more than keeping a ring I will ultimately get rid of. He claims he wants the ring back in order to pay off some of his debt. I know his excuse does not make his request any easier, and should make me angrier.

        I have done few of the items you suggested. As much as i want to lock myself in my house and grieve I simply cant. Work must go on and bills need to get paid. Especially when he left me with everything to deal with on my own. I fear that I will not be able to move forward when I have not yet had the opportunity nor have I began to accept what has happened to me.

        I am sorry that you were left as well. I can honestly say that NO ONE, no matter the circumstances, deserves to be abandoned. Especially when your life was filled with children and grand children. Not only did he walk away from you, but from them as well.

        In the last few days I’ve only wondered if they would ever feel any remorse for the hurt and life changing events they have caused?

      2. Anna, thanks for your post. You are so right that they are showing us who they are, so we need to believe it. My husband of 30 years left me, my 19 yr old son and my 21 year old daughter. Our oldest would be 23, but he died 4 yrs ago. I am still very much grieving my son, and now a marriage. Our young adult children struggle with depression – and my husband walked out on all of us. For someone else. For more fun. What a selfish ass! That is who he is; I just need to believe it, and move on – somehow.

    3. Hi Daniella,
      I read your post and I have been wondering the same thing since the 19th of October of last year: How can a man can erase their wife like that?

  15. I found out my husband was having an affair last November. I moved out when I found out. He spent 4 1/2 months living with her but telling me the whole time that he didn’t know if he wanted to get divorced, he just needed time to figure things out. Back in the beginning of April they broke up and he moved back into our old house. He spent the last 4 weeks saying that he wanted to try and work things out he just wasn’t sure we’d be able to. Last Thursday he said that at this point in his life he would not take the other woman back. I said maybe we could try and work things out. We had a small argument on Sunday and I found out today that he spent the night at her house last night. Why did he keep lying to me and manipulating me these last months? Everytime I said about divorce he kept saying he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do and he refused to sign any papers. It is so incredibly hurtful. The cheating was bad enough but the lies about getting back together are even harder to deal with

  16. After 33 years my husband left me for another woman and in the process destroyed our family. I didn’t know there was even a problem. On the night he asked for a divorce I suggested we go to counselling and he said our 33 year relationship and our family wasn’t worth saving. Now our family is torn apart and my middle daughter is having mental health issues.

    1. It may sound like a cliche that men are so sexually obsessed that the attractions of a woman who shows them some attention can see them throw away long-standing relationships that formerly nurtured and satisfied them, but it is true nonetheless. As their wives we are hardly given a passing thought in the process. It is humiliating and painful and we are crushed to discover how little we mean to them. I still ask myself, did this really happen? How could he discard me and his family so easily? I suppose there are women who do this and I suppose if ever I had been tempted I would have justified my behaviour by naming all the little things that had annoyed me over the years and by claiming I was never fully appreciated.
      My point is that human beings are a curious lot and women can never understand what makes men tick. Remember that book about men being from Mars and women from Venus? I think I will read that again. My guess is your husband may feel a twinge of regret for your daughter’s mental health problems but ultimately he will not be deterred from this new path he has chosen.
      I came across an email today I sent my husband 4 months ago detailing all the pain his actions had caused and he didn’t even bother to reply. He treats me as if I had been the one to leave him, and can barely be civil to me. I console myself by remembering that I did nothing to deserve it and my behaviour is at least unreproachable. You can’t make someone care if they don’t. We can rant and rave and protest but in the end we just have to learn a way to make a new life without them. It’s nearly 9 months now and I have done it because I had to. I feel grateful to be free of this jerk and able to forge ahead. I’m lucky to have enough money to do so. I’ve lost a lot materially but gained a lot emotionally. I recovered more quickly than I thought possible. I still have moments of hating him but they pass quickly. Now I pity him for being so patently unworthy of all I have to offer. Let time take its course and let the healing happen. It will if you allow it. God bless.

    2. My husband told me on 8th Jan this year that he had met someone, been having an affair and there was no future for us. We have been married 36 years, successful business, 2 great kids and grandchildren and I didn’t know there was anything wrong. I told him to go and he is in a flat – not moved in with his mistress who has a child and is 15 years younger than him. We met up since and he said he fell in love with her – she is pushy and loud, the exact opposite of me.
      Since lockdown I have struggled to take in what has happened. He communicates through family. No one can understand why he has done this but when there is money about there is always a woman with no morals. When I look back I realise what a selfish person he is but I just carried on doing everything to support the business and family; and I think whatever I did would never have been enough. We were on the verge of retirement and I feel like my life has been turned upside down.
      More and more I am reading similar stories to yours and mine and keep telling myself that it wasn’t me. What happens to men when they get older. It’s so hard but support from friends and family is crucial but like you my children are finding it hard with such betrayal from someone they used to look up to.
      I hope you come out of this stronger even though there’s a mountain to climb.

      1. What does happen to men? My personal theory as I have stated here many times is that their brains are ruled by their sex drive. For most of us women, our brains are ruled by commonsense. I am sure this is true of my 64yo husband who found a woman who paid him attention and it was all over for us. It made no sense whatsoever and it still doesn’t but if he would leave me for the promise of sex with her……I no longer wish to be with someone like that. He’s shown his true colours and if I’m honest I could have predicted this. At some level I knew if a woman came along and showed interest he would be unable to resist. He’s intelligent but is not sensible and I managed our lives very successfully and we were well off. While my resources have halved I would rather live in reduced circumstances than be with this fool for the rest of my life. To have anything to do with him now would be detrimental to my self worth. He does nor deserve me and frankly I couldn’t care less about what happens to him now. He’s already made several poor decisions and admitted his new relationship is not what he’d hoped for. LOL.

      2. I’m so sorry you went through this. It sounds very similar to my situation only his mistress is 20 years younger and was a former student, mentee and (I thought) good friend. It was all so very sordid but there it is. She was six months pregnant when he informed me we were through and kept her a secret until I did some sleuthing and found out the truth. I had no idea whatsoever. They are now married and within 2 1/2 years have two children – at age 40 she was desperate to have children, had never had even a boyfriend nor a job, was fully supported by her wealthy parents, and I think at age 60 he saw a chance to be a hero and to have his narcissistic need for adoration fulfilled by children and by this desperate and clinically depressed woman. It’s been three years for me now and it still hurts. And it seems just as I find some sort of happiness, something happens to bring back all the hurt. Tonight’s a bad night and I’ve found myself on this forum, trying to find some comfort. There are so many of us. Hang in there, okay? Just keep moving forward. Even if it’s just one step at a time.

  17. I totally agree with you in regards to not wanting to be with a man again. He split when I was 46 and he was 66. His affair partner is 53. But then again that was 3.5 years ago. And now being 49 I still do not want a relationship with a man. I did everything did all the cooking cleaning and also the yard work, it was never ending. And I can get a good nights sleep now and not be tired at work the next day, because he would have the tv on all night, because he was retired. My ex best friend his new chick now is lazy as all get out and does nothing. I still talk to him, but he cannot understand why I hate him so much, those were his words. He would get her a coffee and knew what she took in it and never once in 17 years did that for me. And he even cooks for her which he never did once for me. So yes I am still bitter, and even at the time that he split I went and seen a therapist. She told me to just let go as it is not hurting me in the present time but it is hard for me to let it go. It goes around and around in my head.

    1. It went around and around in my head too. I obsessed over them and what they were doing and saying about me. Then it occurred to me that I wasn’t even on their radar. He wasn’t thinking about me and how I was coping and neither was she. She was worrying she would be perceived as the other woman, which indeed she was and he was just trying to finally get her into bed. That’s when I realised that by thinking of them I was empowering them to go on hurting me. And I wasn’t going to do that. They did not think about me so why was I wasting my time obsessing over them. When my thoughts went there I said “Thank you God for taking him out of my life. You saw how I was treated and you sent this woman to remove him from my life and give me a better life without him”. And I still think and believe that. I should have got away years ago but I was afraid. That cost me at least $100,000 of my inheritance from my mother which he ended up causing me to lose. Fair enough. I deserved it for being stupid and staying with him.

      1. I just found out New Years Day this year after he didn’t come home New Years Eve. After 45 years of marriage I actually though I meant something to him. I’m doing what you said I feel like their talking, plotting how to get me to divorce him. Which I will I just need to move out first as he won’t leave. I need to get my bearings, I still feel in shock. I know I need to get started but I feel I’ll. Which I am in emotionally sick.for awhile I actually thought he would choose me. At least I now know that would be the worst thing he could say to me. I feel stupid for even wanting him to stay. That’s the only part of my thinking that is healthy right now.

        1. Teresa,
          I’m so sorry to hear your husband is putting you through this after 45 years of marriage. I don’t understand how the men we have given our lives to can treat us like we’re disposable. I like you battle with wanting my family back together – 25 years of marriage, 2 kids 14 & 20.
          You can do this Teresa!

  18. My partner of 30 years has left me for another woman who he has been having an affair with for 9 months who he claimed was just a friend
    She is 10 years younger and has just had a divorce where she has received a huge settlement and has offered the world to my partner including giving up working etc etc
    She plans to move to a large house with land in the countryside
    She has two girls who she shares joint custody with her ex husband
    My partner was still living in our home and seeing her he also used to be constantly on his phone and it didn’t matter if I was sat in the same room !
    He regularly would tell me where they had been for food or things about her it would make me so upset
    We have been through months of him saying don’t worry it will fizzle out or that he was trying to end it !
    As of this week he is now living with her
    We have two daughters one is 23 and one will 21 in May she still lives at home due to the corona virus and the stay at home rules she reported her dad for travelling between our house and the house of the woman he is having an affair with the police said they would tell him that he is not allowed to live in two houses
    So he has stopped coming home we haven’t heard from him for a week
    He hasn’t taken any of his belongings
    I’m absolutely devastated and broken into a million pieces

    1. Our stories are so similar ie long term marriage, 2 grown kids, rich friend he starts to see a lot of etc.
      If you look back at old posts you will see stories of similar situations and how we felt and coped. You are lucky to have 2 loyal daughters supporting you. My boys were supportive but less inclined to openly oppose their father. I wanted them to hate him as I did but in time I see how that was not the right thing to have done. Anyway we are now all civil with each and a lot of the angst has gone. I no longer grieve for my marriage which was not great in truth. I don’t want to write the same thing over and over so if you can be bothered I suggest you read my earlier posts (this happened in August 2019) and see how I felt at the time and how I progressed through to the stage now where I feel relief to be rid of him. You can’t fast track unfortunately, you have to suffer all the pain, the grief, the profound disappointment, the intense anger and the moments of utter despair. I did not think I would ever reach this point of acceptance and certainly not as quickly as I did but time heals all wounds if you allow it. My husband’s relationship did not end up as he hoped. They are not living together and she does not want to be with him as much as he would like. Whatever. I see her now as an angel from heaven who forced an end to a marriage that I could not see was as bad as what it was. Without her I would be still stuck with this jerk. Best wishes to you.

      1. Hi Anna
        Thanks for your reply. Reading your post has helped me to think I hopefully I won’t feel as awful as I do For ever as at the moment I can’t see me ever being happy again !
        It would be so good if I could fast track this time in my life where I feel so lonely ,sad, hurt ,desperate etc etc
        Every morning I wake up feeling the same ! The house feels like an empty shell !
        All I think about is my partner who I still love and the woman he is with !
        It is constant torture !
        But I know deep down I have to put my ‘big girl pants on ‘ and get on with my life without him !
        The thing I hate worse is that he tells me he will always love me and still does !!
        I will find your previous posts and have a read
        Thanks for your reply

        1. I said the same thing to my friends ie “I don’t believe you when you tell me I will feel happy again”. Lucky for me I didn’t love my husband in any true romantic sense. He annoyed me a lot of the time but I thought we were a partnership none the less and he did seem to love me until she came along and sympathetically listened to all his gripes about how badly he was treated. This was nonsense of course. Any sane woman would have left him years ago but I stayed because I was committed to the relationship. If I was often short with him it was because his drinking bugged me so much because of how imbecilic he became when he drank. She is a drinker too so he didn’t have to worry about that. Also he refused to do anything around the house because he was retired and intended to enjoy himself. Looking back I see now it was all about sex, full stop. I think while we women weep and gnash our teeth and try to understand what went wrong we are forgetting the obvious. The promise of sex with someone new is a huge temptation to most men. They are ruled by their sex drive and the need for a willing, more exciting partner. We’re no fun anymore, it’s as simple as that. Their ego is dependent on women finding them attractive. His life has gone to pieces since he left me and he has made one stupid choice after another. Not my problem anymore. He isn’t the decent person I thought he was and I stay civil with him because it is in my best interests to do so. He still owes me money for a start and I need a break from my dogs occasionally. He will take them for a week and allow me some freedom. I see now the happy life I thought I had with him was an illusion. Like my son said, you become dependent on your partner when you are together a long time and it takes time to adjust. I discovered a new way to live with friends and family that I find more fulfilling. I could not have predicted that at the beginning, but it became apparent with time. I wanted him back for the first 3 months but then slowly my perspective shifted. I never want to be with another man EVER. Having a single friend to hang out with helped. In fact she and I are like sisters. We really enjoy the time we spend together. It is enough for now.

        2. Hi, after 30 years of marriage my husband left me for a much younger woman. It’s been a year and I am still grieving terribly.

          1. There comes a point where you need to get professional counselling if you are suffering this much. We are all different and fear different things and grieve differently. But you can get stuck in the grief cycle and not progress which maybe is your situation. Counsellors can get to the heart of the problem which is rarely what we think it is. If we go on doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result….well that is not going to happen is it? Acceptance is the key to happiness. Good luck.

          2. Tania,
            Why do men leave their wives?
            They want something new and more exciting without realizing that the honeymoon phase never lasts.
            I have been grieving since October 2019 and
            I used to cry every day and then the father of my children got his metastatic prostate cancer diagnosis beginning of March and it made me get another perspective.
            Of course the OW did not come rushing to take care of him!
            She lives in Europe.
            I did that, taking care of him after his vertebrae surgery and first days at his house.
            Please know Tania you are not alone in your situation.
            Watching lots of shows on Netflix and Hulu, gardening and learning facts on my chrome book help me thinking less about this horrible situation.
            Hope this helps.

          3. Hi Tania,
            A year is not long enough to get over something like this so don’t beat yourself over the head with it. It’s 23 years of marriage and a year and a half for me. You’ll grieve as long as it takes. Don’t give it a time limit or it may having lasting affects. Just do everything you can to think positively, do things for the joy of it, therapy, long walks, anything to get out of the head space if it plagues you consistently. Have those days to grieve, then put your big girl pants on move to one positive and or joyful thing. It is one of the hardest thing to get past. You don’t want to get stuck in a slump that you can’t pull yourself out of. Now, that would be worse. Remember, you don’t want to feel this way forever. These are the things I try to do. Some days I succeed and some days are horrid. Just keep doing things that bring you some small joys and accomplishments which will in turn bring back the truly confident and happy person you once were and then some if you work hard at it. It will be worth it!!!

          4. Hi Tania
            Sorry to hear
            My husband of 18 years is leaving us ( me and my two boys ) for a MAN that his been with for 4 yea. This is a different ballgame…
            I am 52, he is 56 years old. Our sons are 14 and 15 years old. he just moved out of house . I am sure this will take me more than 1 year to heal. Right now I am focusing on my boys and work..

  19. I have been married for almost 27 years. We have 4 kids. Last year my husband was diagnosed with Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the throat. Stage 1. Surgery was successful. The cancer journey for me and my kids was ineb of the hardest experiences I have ever gone through. My husband treated me horribly and yet I continued. I became the father, the therapist, the handy man, work full time and took care of him. He battled me on everything, unless it came out of the Doctors mouth than I knew nothing. He finally finished chemo and radiation around May of 2019. Post survivorship I thought would bring us closer.. He started going back to the old eating habits or none at all, smoking cigarettes again (in front of our kids) and he became very angry and cruel to me. Started shutting me out of Doctor appointments. Verbal abuse started in and got ugly. He blamed me for anything that happened. I thought by giving him distance in the house would help. He refused to talk to me and open up which has always been a problem.

    I found out 15 days ago right before the covid 19 shutdown that he was having an affair. I kicked him out and he jumped on it and now is living with the other female! He has abandoned our kids and me during this pandemic. I am shattered. He now wants a divorce. I am terrified of the future. I was a stay at home mom for 18 years, something we both agreed on and niw he does this?! I am terrified that I will not be able to support my kids. Child support and alimony will not be a forever thing. I know nothing of the process. Everything is hitting me at once and is overwhelming to the point of panic attacks.

    I do not revel in it but there is comfort knowing others are going through the same.

    I choose to live in love and light despite what this man has done to me but I am very worried of how to take care of my kids.

    1. Coming face to face with our mortality can change people who have previously thought little about dying. So he took out his fear, anger and frustration on the easiest target, you. Now he’s recovered he’s desperate to get as much excitement out of life while he can. He frankly sounds like a horrible person. I am not American so do not know what you are entitled to but I would suggest you do your best to find employment rather than rely on him to support you. Do not be defeatist and believe no one will employ you. It is important for your self esteem to enter the world of work and be independent. He will no doubt have to pay child support and if he is employed it should be easy to collect if he refuses to pay. If he is self employed it may be more difficult as it’s harder to collect. I worked in Child Support collection for several years. The information you need to know should be available on line. Your children will have formed their own opinion watching how he has treated you. It is important that you model for them the right behaviour on coping with setbacks. Think about being trained in something worthwhile like nursing for example. If you know anyone who can help you find work then don’t be afraid to utilise those contacts. I doubt if I would be mourning this man but I understand mourning for the way of life you had.

      1. Anna,
        I understand that you tell Nina to find employment but myself was terrified when in February my husband seeing me crying an drowning told me to fin a job and be independent and it was INCREDIBLY SCARY for me THE IDEA to have to find a job since I have been a stay at home mom all these years.
        My husband is a patent agent and earns a good living.
        Now he is going through metastatic cancer treatment.
        My 14 old son is staying with him though till end of January he was living with me
        seeing me cry.
        I am very grateful to Laurie’s blog:” Love Blossoms” especially during this abnormal global situation.

        1. Yes Anyes, I can well imagine how terrifying it is to contemplate employment. My husband left me the week after my daughter’s partner left her after 13 years together. We were both devastated but her having a job was life saving for her. Being retired and knowing my previously comfortable life was no longer sent me into a psychiatric hospital for 3 weeks. My daughter had the distraction of a busy job to take her mind off her situation whereas I sat alone all day and night wondering how I would go on alone with nothing to live for. I began to look for a job as a driver for a pathology lab picking up blood samples from doctors’ offices. At 67 it seemed like a job I could manage and it would give me a reason to get up in the morning. As time went on I found the distraction of selling the house kept me from dwelling on things, then when it sold I began to look for my new home and I move in mid May. My husband left last August so I’ve come a long way. I am no longer looking for a job as my husband and I continue to split our retirement income and I am perfectly happy living my new life. I would not have thought this possible in Sept 2019. Planning for your new life will become necessary at some point. Working gives structure to your life, it enables you to meet new people and make new friends, it means HE is no longer controlling you financially. With this comes growth and a new way of life becomes possible, even enjoyable. It sometimes looks like climbing Mount Everest but you only have to take one step forward every day to make progress. Often it feels like two steps forward and one back but gradually you begin to see things change. Here I am 8 months later realising that my life is now better than it has been for decades. I am less tense, less stressed. I don’t have the money I once had but I don’t care. I don’t have the million plus home either and I don’t care. I wouldn’t have believed it possible but here I am. I don’t have young children to cope with anymore so that made things much easier. I feel for those of you dealing with your children’s pain as well as your own. It’s tough, really tough. I went through that when my first marriage crumbled due to infidelity.

        2. I know what you are going through. I nursed my ex of 17 years through chemo and did all the irrigating of his new bladder as he had bladder cancer and had one rebuilt with a part of his colon. This was 3.5 years ago. I am still single. He left me regardless for her a married woman and my best friend, and after I nursed him through cancer. He damaged me greatly. I am now so much better but when I left he had me so down under his foot, I had no self esteem. I only realized he was a covert narcissist after I left him. I was 29 when I met him, he is 20 years older than me. He did not want children as he had already 2 grown children. He had himself nipped. I just feel like now, that I wasted my youth with him and am still quite bitter but only with him and my ex bff. I have nothing to do with her at all. Her husband died a year and a half ago and now they are together. When he was done chemo he told me he wanted to be with her, so I left. He can have that dumb blond of his(excuse the expression) as she is a little on the dumb side.

    2. Dear Nina,

      The betrayal and heart break are a process that get better with time.
      How can a family man do this especially during this extremely difficult time?
      You will be taken care of.The law is for you and your four kids.
      I too stopped working 24 years ago when my daughter was born.
      I wish I could make all the pain go away because I am going through the same situation as you.
      My son informed me yesterday that my husband, who got diagnosed in March with metastatic prostate cancer, started vomiting because of the treatment.
      I believe in doing the right thing always and I was there for the cheater during all March during his hospital stay and surgery.
      Guess what I am back in my house and he never calls..
      Such ingratitude.

  20. HORRIBLE DIVORCE: I met my husband when we were just 16. We conquered all obstacles of a long-distance relationship for the first 4 years, we went to university together and I helped him found his Silicon Valley IT company. I made him take an education, I made him successful and I supported him 110% through our 15 years of marriage and financially. Half a year ago things started going bad in his/our company and he didn’t get along with the hired CEO, so he got demoted. Due to his new role in the company, he started traveling more, but everything seemed fine on the home front. In early October we were talking about having our first child this year, and in november he told me “he loved me to the moon and back” before he left on a business trip. 5 days later he gets home from the trip and tells me, that he isn’t sure that I am “the right kind of wife for him”! He makes the most unfounded arguments for his case and starts going out every night to avoid me. 7 days later, he tells me – that he can’t jeopodize an upcoming business trip – but intends to leave me upon his return. I felt so betrayed and no amount of words can express the pain one feels – I lost 5 kg. in no time, and I had trouble eating/sleeping for the first 2 months. He was my soul-mate and he just gave up on us like that – without reason! Or so I thought – turns out he started having an affair with one of the employees in company (who also went on the business trips after he was demoted), she still haven’t left her husband (till this day – mid april2020) but my husband jeopardized everything – he jeopodized his company and lost his job trying to cash in a few extra millions to provide for her, rented a huge apartment for her to leave her husband with their 2 year-old child. Got a tattoo and thought it smart to try cocaine. He has been a nightmare – posting his new lifestyle all over social media, used an unseemly amount of our money, told me how sexy she was, how he bought toys, told me they were planing to have a child this year. At some point I found him back in our place, mentally unstable because “she” wasn’t responding to him – so I had to send him to a psychologist to make sure he was doing “okay”. Five month in – and the divorce is still on-going, some days are “fine” and some days I feel like taking revenge (I could get her fired in no time and I could tell her husband) but it wasn’t really her fault that my husband turned out to be such a fool and if she ever manage to leave her husband, she will get a fool for a new husband, who will leave her eventually when she has served her purpose, unless she manages to leave him first for a new office affair with her boss.

    1. This is the same story i have,(job, we talked having a family, and then i am not good for him), i found out about other women but he lied and hider her till two months ago, and then he took her to our house where they live now. They do have a pattern i guess.

  21. I join this group to get word of encouragement, coping with loneliness after my husband left me for a mistress and she have two sons for him

    1. I think unfortunately all of us here have gone through what you feel.I believe it is not about you, but about him and his insecurity about himself. It’s stupid, and the last thing you want to hear, but it takes time to figure this out. I still, after a year and a half, look at his pictures with the new girl (he left me for), and they live in our house. They hang out with friends who were also my friends. I wonder what life would be like for us now. it’s not good to do that, but well, im human. But if he’s gone, it’s because it’s easier to find someone than to solve a problem you (we) had. Takes time but you will be ok…we will be OK

      1. What you said is true Nina: men prefer to find a new girl than to solve problems with their own wives and it is indeed very selfish and a coward way to handle things.
        My husband so far has “enjoyed” his new woman twice, one time on a trip with the woman middle of October 2019 and on on another trip to Andorra at the beginning of January 2020 while my son and I were in the house in Southern California.
        In March he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and learned that the cancer had spread to his lungs, liver and hips.
        Now I am alone in my house since in February my son started to be his ally and started to live more with him than with me.
        I feel a bit lonely but prefer to be on my own than with people who do not treat me right.
        I have hope not to be alone someday.
        And that is going to be difficult since there is the new covid-19 nightmare situation.
        But where there is life there is hope.

        1. Dear A, my situation may be much better because we did not have children. I had a miscarriage and 6 months after problems started. He talked to all the important people (my family, his parents) that I have changed, and I was, I was not the same after miscarriage. I had no understanding for his job, 18 hours working (we had two cars, a house, no money problems, didn need to work that hard, but he is that way), I could not be ideal, I could not stand his parents, I withdrew and i was the problem, i also belived it..until I found out he had a mistress. He lied to everyone that he had nothing to do with her, but he still decided to get a divorce, because he had plans with her. Now they live together in the house that I have arranged, there were bare walls when we started living there. Honestly, it’s hard sometimes because everything seems perfect in his life, but still I don’t think it is. And honestly when I think I have a good life too. After a year I started seeing someone, slowly, and only now do I see how good things can be. That someone can have time for me, that they dont need to work for 12 hours a day. Ok, this covid has made us all a bit nuts, but i belive that your husband is not a happy person. He left his children, ok, he left you, fine, but he left his son and now that boy is with him, helping? You raised a good boy. Think of karma. I’m sorry he’s sick, nobody deserves that. I know how hard it is to be sick. Can you only imagine what henis thinking? My mother was diagnosed with two tumors, and with my divorce, the two of us struggled with that. And you realize then that nothing matters but health. Stay safe with the idee that positive thing will happen.

          1. Dear N,

            You are the first person to reply to one of my posts!
            Made me happy!
            Small things…
            What you say is absolutely true.

            This man made poor choices.
            How can a father abandon his own is beyond me.
            My husband also told me I did not like his family when actually I made him book tickets to Montpellier, France last July so he could see his dad he had not seen since his dad remarried in 2010!
            What he tells me I am doing bad actually shows his own bad thoughts.
            Today at 1pm my son asked me if
            I could pick him up from his girlfriend, I said yes.
            ( His dad started vomiting because of the injection he was given yesterday.)
            At 3pm my son called again to say his dad said he could not go.
            I asked is it because he does not feel good?
            My son said his dad said because of virus…

            My eye!…
            Yes karma…
            I cannot get over that last Mother’s Day we went to Palm Desert zoo, the living desert and my 24 year old daughter and son and husband we were all together.
            A year after all seems apocalyptic.

          2. i also had a problem with his family, more specifically they with me. they wanted me to be a “schoolgirl”, to drink coffee with them every day, have lunch .. but I’m not like that. Now he has a girlfriend who is from another country, a different religion, who I believe is doing all this. But i think positive. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that’s why your husband did all th
            e things he did. the virus will pass, this madness will pass, the fact remains that he is the man who made some bad moves.

  22. My husband of 17 yrs told me his love for me had faded away over the last few months and left 3 days later . We had a great marriage very happy. He lost his job on 13th jan a very good job he had waited many years to become general manager , he was called in and told he wasn’t the right management material for the new company along with a manager below him . He was devastated the two of them would meet up regularly to talk about their unfair dismissal which according to the texts I found was all work related but 2 weeks later he was saying he missed her and had feelings for her sending her love songs . 6 weeks later he left me . I’m just devastated

    1. With you he feels like a failure whereas this woman, who is in the same predicament, feels like a safe haven where he will not be judged for losing his job. This has been a huge blow to his ego and self esteem which you no doubt realise. Under these circumstances he may come to his senses and realise this woman is just a diversion that makes him feel better about himself. A lot of men need to feel powerful in some way and losing his job no doubt took that away. I’m often quite scathing about men who leave women who are loyal and caring but in this case, if you really want him back, you might try patience and understanding. Some people can’t forgive an affair but many can. In my case I understood the temptation and forgave and we never spoke of it again. This last occasion I had no desire to understand and knew I’d be a fool to take him back. I told him so quite quickly and I no longer care whether he regrets leaving or not. His love affair has not developed as he’d hoped. Too bad, so sad.

    2. Hi Julie,

      I am with you.
      Last October my husband of 39 years ( we had met in high-school ) went for a “work trip” in Munich and came back to tell me and the kids that he had gone to see paola and wanted a divorce.
      My daughter, 23, and I were devastated.
      My son, 14, did not seem to react, maybe because he had started to go out with a girlfriend.
      On 4th of December he moved out but did not live with woman since she lives in andorra and does not have main custody of daughter.
      February my son started to live more with him.

      Complete DESPERATION AND DARK THOUGHTS between the 19th of October to beginning of March.

      March 5th the cheater got diagnosed with prostate cancer.
      After a surgery on the 14th he asked me to stay with him since neither daughter nor son were available.
      After my son came back to his house I stopped coming to his place and prefer to be with my cats and dogs in my house even with lockdown.
      So much incertainty…

    3. Dear Julie,

      As Nina said it does not reflect our errors but theirs.
      Being abandoned is the worst feeling.
      I hope his lover abandons him so he gets it.
      Do not know if this post will go through…

  23. My husband hired a young woman to work for him because he didn’t work well with men. I never met her. She was like a mystery. He told me I had nothing to worry about. One day I showed up to where they were working. They work alone for hours. So I showed up and met her. She was really pretty. I told him I didn’t fee comfortable with it and have him an ultimatum because when I met her something seemed fishy. I felt something in my gut that she liked him and that he could like her. It was my intuition. That was in like October. We argued and then I see cured to just deal with it but things started to go south in our relationship. He started acting very different and talking very negatively about our whole marriage. We were starting to argue more often. Christmas sucked, New Years sucked, and on January 3 he told me he wanted a divorce. My story is so long and so complex this is not even half of the story. So to save my marriage I thought I should move out and give him some space. I wanted to don’t trial separation. Over a period of two months, he completely shut me out, went snowboarding, Universal Studios, Knotts Berry Farm, and Disneyland with her. The woman I was not happy about. He said nothing happened until we were already separated. I then one day I saw on Instagram that she moved into our house. She completely redecorated the house, so I went to the house and kicked her out. They said she was only there to work during the COVID-19 virus. I didn’t believe it because she decorated and had everything you could imagined then I asked where she was sleeping and he said in the guest bedroom. I ended up finding her pillow in my bed and her glasses on my nightstand. He didn’t know that I saw the pillow and tried to hide it and sneak it out using a blanket. I caught him and called him out in his lie. My husband denies that nothing happened between them but she was sleeping in my bed. Our box of condoms is down to 4 and we had more before I left. I kept finding her stuff even a week after kicking her out. My husband moved out too. I was hoping he would stay and work things out, but no he’s with her. I am devastated. I feel completely hopeless. I’ve lost everything. I’ve lost the man I love and I don’t know how to cope with it or accept it.

    1. That’s an awful story and I know only too well how you feel. You are experiencing profound grief and you can’t fight this. We all go through it and it must take its course. You must face the truth that this man you love is not who you thought he was. He is a liar and a cheat and he has treated you with contempt. You will grieve the loss of the person you thought he was but he is not worthy of your love if he has done this to you. Unfortunately men and sexual desire is an explosive situation and a lapse can be forgiven but this is more than a lapse. I forgave my husband for one lapse and it was okay for 18 years until the next woman who came along and showed interest and he was off again like a shot. I was devastated and I grieved and 9 months later I can see clearly now who he really is. His charm is fake and now he knows I’m indifferent to him he doesn’t bother to try. I am the same person because I’m genuine and don’t use charm to get what I want. He, despite what he used to tell me, did not really value me and now I see all the things that pointed to that and I ignored. This realisation did not occur overnight. When it does and you realise what you loved did not exist but was an illusion, you begin to heal. It has happened to millions of women and will go on happening. I believe a lot of men are different to women. They just are. Their hormones rule them and if they lack self control and discipline….well this is the result. Know you are not alone and we are all here for you on this difficult but ultimately freeing journey.

      1. I agree with Anna recovering from abandonment is a process that has to take its course.
        We all are united!
        Am so very thankful to the wonderful lady Laurie who created this blog.
        Talking and writing are very therapeutic.
        The man I loved prefers to call his OW from Peru instead of fighting cancer and covid-19 at home with me and cats and dogs who he loved too.
        One time I brought Cookie to his house when was caring for him after his back surgery, Cookie is an adorable chihuahua terrier mix who he adored and adored him and he said I cannot touch her, bring her back.
        Who is this man?
        Maybe Satan took his soul when he went to see the OW in October.
        Neither my daughter nor I are able to recognize this person…

    2. Dear Melissa,

      You suspected something was happening in October, I hear you.
      In October my husband pretended to go to Europe for work and came back saying he wanted a divorce after having been with paola. ( no capital for this name )
      I completely understand that you kicked her ut.
      I would have done the same thing.
      It took me several months and his diagnosis in March of a metastatic prostate cancer for me to be less heart broken.
      Please know Melissa that all we ladies who have been scorned and abandoned will be better off without these miserable “human beings”.
      I found myself since the 1st of January after a month of him moving out to have taken to watching movies and series to take my mind off the betrayal and the state this has left me.
      I am not crying anymore but still obsess daily about the very difficult situation.
      I found help in talking to my friends, I have to say that talking to my 24 year-old daughter and 14 year-old son was a flop since they could not stand to see me crying or complaining about their dad leaving me.
      His relatives never called me though I pushed my husband to visit his dad last July who he had not seen for 11 years after a new marriage.
      Now my husband and his dad are often talking on the phone. ( My husband told me his dad is 86 and he has cancer so…)
      It looks Melissa I served my purpose to make them reconnect but this is all.
      I find these men despicable and let God do what he thinks he needs to do.
      Some men are just scum…
      We will have to find better!

  24. Husband of 10 years left me and my two small children in Georgia. He moved to Indiana to go to ‘seminary school’ but soon learned that he was moving in with a woman he was having an affair with. He lied to me, my children, his family and our friends about why he really left. He was too much of a coward to tell anyone the truth. Till this day he will not own up to having the affair, but everyone knows the truth because he flaunts his new girlfriend on social media. People are wondering how he is already engaged 2 months after being divorced. I am now fighting to get my 1 year old daughter back because he abducted her out of anger. Please keep my children and I in your prayers. God is in control.

    1. Yes we are all in God’s Hands.
      I never imagined my husband I knew for 39 years ( Was 15 and he 17 when met )
      would leave me for an old flame.
      He went for a “business trip to Munich” last October and when he came back he announced to the kids and I he had been to see a woman and wanted a divorce.
      Beginning of December he moved out and February my 14 year old son started to be more at his dads.
      On the 5 th of March he was diagnosed with cancerous lesion in prostate, lungs, liver, hips and pelvis.
      I do not wish for anything anymore: I am in Gods Hands.

      Stay strong.

  25. My husband just call out of blue and cuss me out for no reason.he was very upset but I didn’t no why, then I found out that he had a girl friend. And he got mad at her and took it out on me. I felt so hurt, I couldn’t really believe it. Two days later. He left he iLife me.that’s the day my life fell apart. I call him ans rex him but he never responded. This man broke my heart, please help me I am sick in side.

    1. I’m so sorry for your loss, but PLEASE be encouraged. Him leaving had everything to do with him not being happy with himself. You will survive this. Trust God.

    2. We all know here how dreadful you feel and how shattered you are. 8 months ago it happened to me and I can hardly believe how much I have healed in that time. I hated him for awhile, wanted him back for awhile, but then I found distraction was the answer. I focused on selling the house and getting a new life established as quickly as possible. I see now how he made me into someone I truly wasn’t. His selfishness, lack of consideration and bad temper had made me bitter, resentful and complaining. Now he’s gone and I’m glad of it. I’ve become a nicer person now because I harbour no resentment anymore. He’s making stupid decisions and is under her thumb and I just shake my head and laugh. I know I’m the true winner, being shot of that lying, shallow and cheating person who pretended to be otherwise. She can have him, they deserve each other,

      1. I love your response as it feels so similar to my feelings and the stages. I am only a little over 4 months in my ordeal after a 29 year relationship but am really feeling g more like the positive person I use to be! As for him, he is making bad decisions presumably based on her. 4 months to the day that he totally shocked me and walked out, he married his girlfriend. At first I felt disrespected and like it was a slap in the face because we were together 29 years and didn’t formally get married. But gave my head a shake and laughed! I am looking forward to moving on and getting a new place and living my best life! I never thought that I would be in this place so quickly but the love and support of friends and family has made a huge difference.

        1. Heather I am so glad you have come so far so soon. We both know it wasn’t easy. I came close to ending it all out of despair and the desire not to go on. I utterly believed my life was over and was sent to a psych ward for 3 weeks to recover. Boy, did that get my troubles into perspective. Friends and family were my lifeline as they patiently listened to my outpourings of grief and sadness. He, of course, was planning a trip to Paris with his new love – the trip we had been planning together. I wanted revenge and spent hours plotting but knowing I would never do it. I wrote a letter to her but never sent it. I was crazy for awhile. But then around 4 months I began to feel differently. The house was sold and I began looking for a new much more modest home. I had Christmas with my family and felt happy. There were moments and occasionally there still are when I wonder how he controlled me emotionally with his moods and hair trigger temper and how I didn’t realise sooner what I was suffering. He never put me first in 38 years. Not ever. All of this takes time to reflect on and some of us get there faster than others but all of those who said it would take years to recover were wrong.

          1. Anna,
            I had read your previous post and did not realize you had been 38 years together like me and him.
            I used to say his name, Francois, so often, he barely said my name when he needed to know where he had left his keys or wanted to scold me.
            If someone had told me in April 2019 that in a year I would be on my own with the covid-19 situation,him having cancer and him having left me for his old flame of 32 years ago, I WOULD HAVE LAUGHED IN THEIR FACE!
            I am not laughing these days but not desperate like was after the first months of the betrayal.
            His old flame is in Andorra ( between France and Spain ) and she took him into her husband’s bed in October and in January with her 9 year-old daughter in another bedroom but cannot come now.
            He had told me after seeing her in October that with her he did not lie with her…
            With the prostate cancer he may have not been able to do much…
            What he did to my 23 year-old daughter and 14 yer-old son and me and to her 9 yer-old daughter and her husband is cruel and amoral.
            He has been in excruciating pain with back pain due to cancer and his cancer has spread to liver, lungs, pelvic area and vertebrae.

            I do not when we all are going with covid-19 situation but if he had listened to me these past years and gone to the doctor to have his stomach pain checked up he might be better now.
            Instead he chose in July to write to her ad betray us all.
            That was his choice.

            I would like to see recent comments from you ladies!

  26. My story is almost like something from a soap opera, but here goes!

    I have been with my husband for 12 years (married happily) for 7 years, he left me in February for someone 9 years younger than him who he has only been seeing for 2 months. We have 2 children, a boy and a girl together, and as far as I was aware we were very happy! I know perfect doesn’t exsist, but our life and the life we had with our kids was pretty much perfect, we done so much together as a family and it was always evident how proud he was.

    I discovered the affair in January and initially he was distraught and cut off all contact with the OW, however, after 2 weeks he admitted that he initiated contact again because he ‘couldn’t help himself’
    To make matters worse, this OW was a friend and also lives in the same street as us, so it really is a complete messed up situation 🙁

    He announced he was leaving last month, claiming that he never dreamed he could do such a terrible thing to me, but for the fact he has makes him think theres more to it and that he has real feelings towards her and feels they can make a go of things and be happy together.
    I am devastated as I did not see any of this coming and genuinely believed me and the kids were enough for him, I keep questioning where it all went so wrong.

    1. Hi Dawn,

      Your story is so similar to so many of us. Mine too left me 6 months ago after 25 years together and 11 years married for a woman at work who he says he had been seeing for 2 months. I suspected an affair, confronted him and he left to move in with her leaving my daughter and I devastated. I cried every day for 4 months and took control by filing for divorce. Now 6 months down the line I still cry but am relieved that I know the truth and no longer have to walk on egg shells wondering what is going to happen next. TIME is the magic word, it settles but will leave its mark and know that you are worthy of better. Be dignified and don’t play their games. Mine refuses to see me, he has admitted to our daughter that the grass is not greener and that he is responsible. I had absolutely no idea and it is the shock that really gets to you. Not a steady demise of a marriage but one you invest in and then you realise you get nothing in return. Believe in karma. There are many of us rooting for you and my heart and soul goes out to you

    2. Hi Dawn, my story is so similar to yours. I was with my ex for 13 years and married for 8 years. We have a girl and a boy. We were a happy family; we were both proud of what we were forming together. One day he came home late and drunk, when I checked his phone, I found messages with a woman he had been with that night. When I asked him, he did not denied it, he said that he left with the intention of being with her but that nothing happened. I was so upset and hurt, I asked him to separate but he asked me not to and I decided to work things out. Two months passed in which I suffered so much because he was with me, but he was different, he was treating me with so much indifference. His attitude led me to look for him one night, I found him her. I saw them and that night I asked him to leave the house, and he left without any objection.I know that they are still together living their best lives. He still cares for the kids. It has been 5 months since he left and I am in constant pain, I have good and bad days. This situation has been doubly painful because my father also abandoned me for his wife, I had a beautiful relationship with him, and he simply took me out of his life because his wife doesn’t like me. I have a broken soul because I never had a stable family, that’s why I appreciated and cared for mine. My faith in the Lord is what has me standing.

    3. Dear Dawn,
      How can a man can abandon his family is beyond me.
      My husband of 30 years plus 9 of before we got married went on a “business trip to Munich” in October 2019.
      When he came back he announced to my 23 year-old daughter and my 14 year-old son that he had gone to see paola an old flame and wanted a divorce.
      We were devastated and he became a complete stranger.
      For six long weeks he torture me being in the house then moved out on the 4th of December.
      Then in February my son started to live more and more with him.
      Felt doubly abandoned…
      Then in March he got a prostate cancer diagnosis and he was so glad we were there for him for his tests and back surgery.
      Then he became awful again after he was done with my help on his return from the hospital and my son returned to his house.
      I am in my house with my cats and dogs and better off than with persons who do not do the right thing.
      Hopefully someday I will be not alone anylonger but it is a tall order with the covid-19 situation…
      I would love to see comments please!

  27. Well my story is a little different from everyone’s that I’ve read, we aren’t married. It would’ve been 6 years in October that we were together, and we have a child together and he has a daughter and I’ve been in her life since she was 5. In 2018 he told me that he got a girl pregnant and stupid me, I decided to stay and give another chance because I was scared to leave and I was in love. Now fast forward to last week he left me and says he’s in love with this new woman and that he loves me (yea f**king right) and he’s been with her for a year. I know I was dumb for even staying but I desperately wanted to believe that he could change and things could workout. He literally moved out from our home and moved in with her the same day. I don’t want to get into all I’ve done for him or how loyal I’ve been, because you ladies know how it is. You give a man ALL that you have and they use you up and move on to someone else like it’s nothing. I just feel so stupid because I’ve given him chances and if anyone was going to end the relationship that should’ve been my card to play but it’s like in the end he still won and she wins as well.

    1. Dear Kayla,

      please keep this in mind and don’t ever forget! YOU have won! THEY have lost! How can two selfish cheaters win? How can a woman feel happy in getting a man cheating on his family? What has cheating to do with love? Cheaters attract each other because they accept the bad part in each other. I know the pain you are now going through. It brings you to places you thought never existed. Please pray for healing. Your own healing. Let God take care. When a man betrays without guilt it’s because he lost all that was good in him self. The person he betrayed at most is himself. He is believing in an illusion. Please be strong. Remember this, his cheating has nothing to do with you. It is the emptiness inside of him. He is now feeling strong and thinks he is better than you, better than his family….. He must feel this way in order to justify what he is doing. He must act this sefish way and believe that it is right, that it is love because it is the only way he can accept for who he now is. It justifies his selfish actions. When he sees your pain and your weakness, he takes this in his twisted mind as an acknowkedgement that his actions are right. He is blind to honesty, If he faces the reality , the true reality of what he is doing…. it would be far too painful for him. Believe ME, his pain would be greater as the pain you are now facing. He cannot and wont face the truth! It is so much easier running off to another woman. To the woman who has exactly the same twisted mind as he has. He is full of dishonesty and lies! The other woman too! Can love, honesty and a true heart go well together with lies, betrayal and selfishness? NO! So please, remain truthful and honest with a true heart beating inside of you. He needs to be with the other woman as she is blind as he now is. Your honesty and love reminds him what a betrayer and dishonest person he is. Your goodness reflects his wrongs! That is why he left….He cannot face it. It is far too hard for him. You are stronger! He is far too weak to admit and repent…. at least for now. By being so selfish, it helps him be strong! Pray for strength and healing. Pray for him who has completely LOST himself…. So now you know….. who has really lost. May God bless you and guide you through this storm…. Trust in Him and have faith! You will then come out of this painful storm and be stronger and more beautiful than ever! Believe me…. After 20 years of marriage, I have been rejected in such a cruel way. To day after nearly 4 years……. I feel so blessed. A healing that fills me with warmth, strength and love. Gods grace will lift you! It will mould you in a wonderful, strong and peaceful person….. My prayers for you🙏🙏🙏

    2. Dear Kayla,
      Right now you feel that the two of them have won but trust me you are the winner here. I know it doesn’t feel like that now but you know that you were a loving, giving and caring person to this man and his daughter. You were all of those things because it’s the only way you could have been. You are a woman like all of us that did all of the right things for the man you loved and I’m sure still love. Don’t feel like anything that you did was wrong or dumb. It wasn’t. What he did was all of those things and unfortunately he has turned his back on you and the life you both had for this other person. Why they do it has nothing to do with you or me or the countless other women that this has happened to. I truly believe that. They are driven by their own wants, insecurities and selfish desires. They turn their backs on us as if we never existed as a way of justifying there cruel and heartless actions. I am so sorry to hear that another loving woman has had her heart ripped out. Trust me I know that’s how you feel. All I can tell you is that you are not alone. I am still trying to get myself through all of this but what I want to tell you is please do not waste your time trying to figure any of this out because you can’t. The best thing you can do is to know that you were and are a loving person and that you did nothing wrong. If you are a faithful person know that God wants you to be happy and that he hasn’t abandoned you but saved you. God bless you.

  28. My husband of 28 years left me for someone he reconnected with on FB. He was the love of my life. I met him when I was 15. We were having problems in our marriage and he was staying at our summer house off and on. I told him that I would be coming to the house for the 4th of July holiday. He told me he wouldn’t be there. I realized then that something was going on. It took me all of maybe 2 hours to piece it all together. I took my dog and got in the car and drove to the house of the person I suspected and there was his car parked at her house. The car my late father left him because like everyone else thought he was a good guy. My whole body began to shake. I couldn’t believe my husband had been lying to me and he was never at our summer house but with this person the whole time. I took a picture of his car outside of her house and sent it to him. He texted back, “sorry you had to find out this way. “ He is still with her. I have filed for divorce. I can’t believe that this has happened to us. He abandoned me and my son. He doesn’t even contact me. When I found out he told me it wasn’t her fault, it was my fault this happened. I was a great wife to him. I loved him, never even looked at another man, supported him emotionally and always had his back. My name is on account tied to his debit card and every month I see all the restaurants and flower shop and wave runner rentals that are part of his new life. I am devastated and heartbroken. I pray and have faith and have turned it over to God. I have a plaque in my bedroom that reads, three little words, pray, trust, wait. I know I will be better off on my own but I lay in bed knowing he is with her and it is killing me. I think about taking my life but know that I can’t do that because of my faith and my son. I can’t stop thinking about him. I turn to my friends and they are really too busy in their own lives. I thank God for my job so I can pay my bills. I go to work, come home, eat and go to bed alone. On the weekends I don’t even shower. I just lock myself in the house and cry so much that my eyes ache. All the time knowing they are out on the town and he doesn’t even care if I’m dead or alive. Why do I still love him so much.? What is wrong with me?

    1. Men are different to us. I know I’m generalising here but a lot of men crave excitement and passion and the thrill of being with someone new. I think their brains and a part of their anatomy are not connected in a meaningful way. Look at what he’s done and ask if these are the actions of someone who deserves your love. Right now he’s having the time of his life and you and your son are not on his radar. Are these the actions of a good guy? But you know that already and you want your old life back and nothing will change while you are waiting for him to return. I know – I’ve been there and it sucks. You have chosen to wait for him to return and no one can say if he will do that. God does not always answer our prayers otherwise this world would be a very different place. He does give us challenges however and expects us to face them with courage. I would pray for the strength to go on alone with dignity and faith that something better lies ahead. Do not read his bank statements and try very hard not to even think about how happy they are. You are torturing yourself. Instead you need to create a new life. Take your son out to dinner, go to the movies on Saturday night even if it’s the last thing you want to do. Plan a holiday if you can afford it. If his not returning is too painful to contemplate at least try to enjoy yourself in the meantime. And while you do you may begin to realise that life does go on and you can be happy without him. I think counselling is a good idea as are self help books. You may need some medication to lift your mood. Pray for the best outcome for your situation because his returning may not be it. I think you may be stuck in the denial phase of the grief cycle. Best of luck and may God help you to move forward. You can be happy again if you are open to the possibility.

      1. I was so happy when I saw two responses. It is so comforting to feel that someone cares. I don’t think my initial post was clear so I wanted to make sure you knew where I was in this whole process. When I said I turned all of this over to God and I had a plaque that read, three little words, pray, trust, wait, I was not implying that I was waiting for my husband to come back to me. I realize that I am on a path that I may not ever have chosen but that doesn’t mean that things are not going to work out. I know God has plans for me, so instead of me asking for what I think would make me happy I have turned it over to Him. I know that He knows what is best for me. I do pray for strength to be able to accept whatever it is. I am praying, trusting in God’s plan for me and waiting to see where this road takes me. There are times though when I am so down but I know that is to be expected. There are times when all I do is think about him. I don’t want to think about him or her. Truly I don’t. What he did was heartless and that the last thing he deserves is my love but I also feel like I will never stop loving him and that is what concerns me. I tried to get therapy but I keep being told that I have to be put on a waiting list or be seen during the day. That doesn’t work for me because I have to work and I prefer to keep my private life private as far as my job is concerned. For now I am trying my best to stay strong, remain faithful and know that God wants me to be happy.

        1. After I had posted my response Michele I did wonder if I had misinterpreted your post but it was too late to change it. Sorry if that caused you any additional distress. I think I was lucky that I no longer loved my husband by the time he left. In the first 10 years of our marriage there were enough disappointments over his behaviour to chip away bit by bit every last vestige of love and affection I had for him. I didn’t end up hating him I was just indifferent. When he went away for any period of time for work I never missed him at all and yet his leaving me still made me fight the impulse to kill myself as I couldn’t picture a happy life alone. While I obsessed over him and his girlfriend I realised one day that they weren’t thinking about me AT ALL. I simply wasn’t a concern, for her especially and no doubt she thought I deserved it. He told everyone I was crazy and they chose to believe him. Anyway I started researching how to stop obsessing and one site I visited suggested I forgive them both and to say it out loud whenever thoughts veered in that direction. So I did. It had the peculiar effect of stemming the bitterness I felt. Like Jesus forgiving those who crucified him because “they know not what they do”. I also from time to time dreamed up revenge scenarios but I knew I would never carry them out. Then I remembered the line in the Bible “Vengeance is mine saith the Lord” and I ran with that. It wasn’t my place to judge as I couldn’t see the situation objectively and no doubt I contributed to the demise of our marriage. I left retribution if there was to be any up to God. But I have loved and lost in prior relationships and it is very hard to stop loving when you care deeply. I decided that if my love was true than I should be happy for him. If I wasn’t then my love was contingent on being loved back so how much did I love HIM or was it was a selfish love? Like how a mother doesn’t stop loving her children or wanting them to be happy even if our kids start showing that they no longer care about us. That is true love, when the person’s happiness is more important than our own. With the man in question I had to face the fact that being with me would have made him miserable so I had to stop wishing he’d come back. It took a long time to integrate all that and for me to realise it had happened for the best. These are difficult ideas to process but I suggest you think how God expects us to accept the challenges in life and fight to overcome them. There is a lesson always in every bump in the road. Your lesson is to forgive and accept and realise there is a new path for you to explore now and when you finally realise that you have got to the point of acceptance you will appreciate how much wisdom and fortitude you have gained in the process. My son lost his first born child and now 3.5 years later he says how much better he is for the experience. He feels now he has the resilience to cope with whatever life throws at him. I hope soon you will feel the same. So try forgiveness and genuinely feeling it in your heart. I think it will help.

    2. Dear Michele,

      please be strong. I very much understand what you are going through. Same thing happened to me after 20 years of marriage. I know your despair and the terrible pain. What I can say for sure is that you have absolutely nothing to do with his cheating! It is the emptiness inside of him. He is missing out on all that is good and honest. Please let me know if I can help you. Gladly I can send you my email. You can then write to me at any time! I am now three years after betrayal and through the grace of God, standing healed and so strong like never before! Hope I can help you.

      God bless you!

      1. Rosa forgive me for taking so long to reply back. I cannot tell you how helpful your words were. I realize that this person that I loved so much really was and is incapable of truly loving me. I realize that all of the years we were together he really never treated me well. While it is true that many a night it kills me that he is with someone else it is also true that when I think of how he truly was with me I realize that I’m better off on my own. I am struggling but like I said I know God wants me to be happy. Thank you Rosa.

    3. I would be happy to be your friend to support one another. I have been left by my fiancée. He says he found someone else. The past 11 years we have had together it was just like we were married. We had such a connection. He is my best friend. He cheated on me a few years ago and I forgave him and we got engaged and he promised he would never cheat on me again. Well last month around my birthday he told me he lied and lives with guilt and is sorry that he hurt me, but he cheated on me one other time before. I told him that was also two years ago and that I forgave him. Then like 5 days after that he tells me he met someone else. No I love you, no more I miss you. He just asks “How am I doing?” He said he wants to still be friends? I’m grieving the loss of him hard. He always treated me so well, he said he loved me always and forever every morning and night. Our wedding was this year. I was looking forward finally marrying my best friend. I am so deviststed and like you I cry so much missing him, I grieve the loss of him, I pray he will come back because I don’t want to lose him, I cry because I fear he is gone with this woman forever. The thought of him taking down all of our beautiful memories on Facebook and replacing them with her and him, kills my heart. If you want to connect to support each other I’m here for you.

      1. Jamie I am so sorry that you too are going through this. Although it helps to not feel like I am going through this alone it truly saddens me that there is another loving woman out there that has had her heart broken. I don’t know how people that say they love you can hurt you so badly.
        As each day goes by I slowly realize how much better off I will be without him. He barely is in contact with me but when he is it is nothing but lies. When I look back at all the years that we were together, unlike you I realize he never treated me well at all. It was me loving him and him just taking me for granted and not truly ever really caring for me.
        I don’t know how you feel about this but I feel that God has stepped in and is saving me. I would have never left him and I don’t know what would have become of me. I want to tell you to be strong. I know you still love him and want him back but I’m so sorry to say this, but I believe he will hurt you again. All relationships have problems but when bad behavior becomes the norm something is wrong. I don’t believe this is what you should accept. You deserve to be loved honestly.
        I am here to listen if you ever need to reach out. I will keep you in my prayers.

    4. Hi Michelle,
      same thing happened to me last October 2019.
      Husband I met when was 15 rekindled with old flame last July and went to see her in October and told me and kids he wanted to be with her.
      I have been in a painful fog since the end of October…
      The kids were supportive the first weeks but after started to withdraw from me.
      Who want to be with an emotional wreck?

      1. Hello Anyes. I’m sorry that you are going through this. It is the worst thing I have had to go through in my life. I just finished reading the book, Runaway Husbands that I saw on this website. I read it in a day and a half. I had my pencil out and was underlining and writing in the margins like crazy. I have to tell you that knowing I am not alone in this whole crazy Abandoned Wife Syndrome is both helpful and comforting. I know that I am getting better even though there are days when I fall back into my not showering, not leaving my house all weekend routine. I find it comforting in a strange way that my husband’s total disconnect and total not caring if I’m dead or alive is a common trait amongst these men. I really thought it must be me but I can see the bigger picture a bit more clearly now. The problem for me is that I’m still in a place I don’t want to be. I am still unable to get beyond that this person is with my husband. It is so painful and hurtful. I hope and believe that things will get better. My faith is keeping me going. I just feel so alone and I hate that they are together. I realize though that my husband is not a worthwhile person. He is a narcissistic liar that truly abandoned me. He turned his back on me and never looked back. I want to tell you to try and be strong. I want to tell you to be proud of yourself. I want to tell you that you didn’t deserve this.

        1. I found out today through my daughter in law that the woman he left me for is now 6 months later becoming disenchanted with him. He complained to her he feels rejected because this woman no longer wants him around all the time. I figured he is probably annoying the shit out of her as he did me. He is sex mad and was always groping me which is sooo annoying when you are just trying to cook dinner. He saw this as rejection of him physically and he was expecting her to be more responsive. She will not allow him to move in with her which has really disappointed him. My d in law said he had tears in his eyes. I felt sorry for him but then I remembered how he had not given a damn about walking out after 38 years because she had shown interest. I think it was a fun flirtation for her and now she has got more than she bargained for. And he has got less. The fact is I have learned that I am happier without him and I don’t need a partner like I thought I did. I can do it all alone and I’m not beholden to anyone else for anything. It was hell at first and I very nearly killed myself but that was shock and fear for the future. I put up with his immaturity and selfishness and gave him the freedom he wanted but that wasn’t enough. Really it’s justice isn’t it? Now I know how heartless he can be I would never consider taking him back and he knows it. Just let things take their course. He won’t be happy with her either because he has unrealistic expectations. Most men do. They want novelty and excitement instead of loyalty and contentment. As you sow, so shall you reap. It’s called karma.

          1. Dear Anna,
            This was a very reassuring post you have done and you are perhaps at the same timescale as me although mine moved in immediately with affair partner and coworker after 25 years together. I hardly hear from him at all now and I have to say that I am calmer and better with the “no contact”. I get butterflies in my stomach if there is a text and he has avoided us for over a month now. To hear the disenchantment from the other woman on your side is interesting and as you say, perhaps life has a way of sorting these things out and to know that you are better off without him means that you have done a great deal of healing in that time. I aspire to do the same. I too was at my worst at the beginning, when I wanted to take my own life and it was only the kids and the thought of them having to pick up the pieces that made me think twice and not go through with it. I was definitely in shock for around 3 months, lost weight and didn’t sleep. Still working my way through day by day and trying to take each moment as it comes. Thank you for the update on your story and sharing.

          2. Your response inspired me so much and had given me hope. I am nearly 6 months separated. My husband of 11 years walked out on me and my 4 month old daughter to be with someone he just met twice overseas while on a business trip. He cheated on me while I was carrying our child. I’m slowly picking up the pieces of my shattered heart. The only thing that gave me strength is my daughter. It will be harder for me as I still have to co- parent with him. I decided that our only contact will be for visitation schedule and nothing else. I just realized that over the years I was with him, everything was about him. My world revolved around him. The moment I took care of myself, when I was pregnant, he found somebody to take care of his needs. It hurts so much. Every night I pray for peace in my heart and mind. I don’t want him back but I want him to feel how he made me feel. I know it’s bad to wait for the karma bus but I just can’t stop hating him. I just need to give myself time.

        2. Dear Michele,
          Yes no one deserves to be abandoned.
          So hard and yet I believe God has a better plan for all of us ladies who were betrayed!

    5. I feel exactly like you do. He was my first everything. It’s been a year since he left and I still cry all the time. I can’t believe this is my life. I never wanted to be a single mom. I thought we had a great marriage. Sure, there were bumps as with any marriage, but nothing big. I truly believe he was bored. Work, kids, bills, you know, grown up things. Like you, I saw all of the stuff he was doing to. Everyone says it will be get better, but I just feel like I am stuck.

      1. Boy Colleen do I hear you. My husband was the love of my life, my first everything too. I can’t believe that I was replaced so quickly. It’s like “we” never existed. I try not to think about him but I tell you this the only time I don’t think of him is when I’m at my job. I don’t want my personal business out there. I come home from work and just sit in my living room chair and think of him, go up to bed and lay there and think of him, if I go anywhere I feel like all I do is see couples. I’m actually afraid that I’ll run into them. I don’t know why this had to happen but I do believe that God is saving me. That may sound silly but I truly believe that. If it wasn’t for my faith I don’t think that I could go on. I don’t think that anyone can really understand how painful this is unless it’s happened to them. I know he doesn’t know the pain I’m going through and what makes it worst is that I know he doesn’t care or think of me at all.

    6. My love nothing at all is wrong with YOU. His actions despite what he says are not a reflection of you at all. You are worthy and beautiful. Do what your plaque says. PRAY, TRUST, and Wait.

    7. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! I am currently going through the exact same thing (heartache and mentally wise). There’s not a feeling to describe it. Today I went and bought a bunch of “self help” books to read in hopes that will help….like you mentioned, friends are too busy and so on ya know?! Such a helpless desperate feeling especially with a child or children involved, I know as well. If ya ever need to talk my email is I hope it has or will get better for you.

      1. Thanks so much Sarah. I too am on my second self help book with a third one waiting in the wings. Thanks for your email address. It is so helpful to not feel so alone. I know that at anytime I could reach out to my friends but I really don’t want to be the one initiating the calls all the time. I have a feeling that I am probably much older than you as my son will be 34 next week but the pain is just as real for myself and him as well. I will be in touch. Michele

  29. My husband of 23 years left me 5 months ago. Things had changed in our marriage. We were communicating less and arguing a lot. Sometimes we would resolve it and others we wouldn’t. I’ve had anxiety and depression for 27 years. I would talk to my husband a lot about things that bothered me at work, etc. on top of that we stayed home a lot. I was getting bored and he was always tired and go to bed by the time I was getting off work. I work retail and wouldn’t get home sometimes til 10 pm. So on the weekends I wanted us to go to dinner or movies. But we sat at home a lot. We would get carry out and start watching a movie and he would fall asleep mid way through. So there wasn’t any quality time together. Anytime I mentioned going out he would say he didn’t have the money. I offered to pay but he would always say to just keep it. We would go out but he would barely talk and look miserable the whole time so it would ruin my time. We would get into arguments often and blame each other for different things. Very rarely were they resolved. The next day it was if nothing happened. I was angry a lot and resented him. It was to the point I wouldn’t talk to him much bc it would usually be an argument after. I mentioned several times going to counseling and he absolutely wouldn’t go. I still loved him regardless and never though we would get divorced. I mentioned getting a separation and he just wanted a divorce. I tried to talk to him but the more I said I didn’t want
    the divorce the more angry he became. He was so cruel to me by yelling at me and went as far as mocking me when I started crying. He ended up leaving bc I said I wasn’t leaving the home and didn’t have a place to go. I was against the divorce but he wouldn’t talk to me about it. He left and wouldn’t return any of my phone calls and wouldn’t tell me or my family where he was living. When I asked him why he wouldn’t tell me, his response was he didn’t want me to show up there. My health got worse and I lost my job and I ended up in the hospital. My family still talked to him and told him I was in the hospital. He refused to visit me. It was so inappropriate how he handled it. I didn’t understand the change in his personality and blamed myself. He blamed me for things that happened ten years ago and was just now telling me about it. My family and friends said there has to be another woman involved by the way he completely shut me out by not explaining anything to me or having more compassion towards me. I started looking at his Facebook page daily and one day I was blocked. I opened another Facebook account and noticed he tagged a woman with a photo. I saw that they had been communicating since July. I went back to my first Facebook account and tried to find her and realized she had me blocked too. It was then I knew that he was having an extra marital affair with her. I googled her name and found her address. To find out she lives two streets over from me. I went to the address and walked up to the door and there on the ground was a package delivered to my husband with her address in it. I couldn’t believe it. Of course he denied it and said he wasn’t living with her the whole 5 months. Then she put a picture of the two of them together during Christmas as her profile picture. They both deserve each other because they are emotionally detached. And any woman that would get involved with a married man doesn’t think much of herself to begin with. I honestly wish he would’ve just been honest with me about being involved with her. I would’ve still been hurt regardless but I wouldn’t have blamed myself for 5 months. I’ve lost complete respect for him. I was married 21 years for nothing. He didn’t want to work on it and thought it was easier to just escape. He didn’t take any accountability and said I needed to go to counseling on my own. I now can’t afford the home on my salary bc I have a job making less pay than before. I’m getting temporary spousal support that doesn’t amount to anything and have to put the gas, electric, water, cable, internet, Rumpke in my name since I’m still living in the home. I didn’t have a choice but to stay in the home. I lost my job bc of anxiety and depression. I couldn’t afford to rent an apartment, condo or anything without an income. So now I have to leave my home bc I can’t afford to put utilities in my name. My life has completely changed regardless of if I want it to or not. Im very bitter bc he handled things irresponsibly and is irrational. He hasn’t taken any accountability

    1. Dear Krista,

      I hear your pain especially when you say you were crying and he was mocking your pain…
      Was crying in his office where he started sleeping and he was saying:”we will go to a restaurant in Temecula!”
      My 14 year-old son came out of his bathroom and said :” NO! NO!”
      Guess what the OW is still over there in Europe.
      Unfortunately my son has sided with his father after only 2 months of seeing me crying and then this February he started to live with him more an more.
      I did not realize there were so many ladies out there that were in same situation as me…
      One thing for sure even if men are abandoned too they do not like to write about it.

  30. I was married for 31 years. My husband had an affair with a 29 year old coworker and walked out on our family. We have a son that is 28, if that gives you an idea how I’m feeling. He took my future, or at least the future i thought i had. I haven’t worked in 18 years and i have an auto immune disease that he couldn’t be bothered to learn about. The man that swore to live me till death do us part told me maybe i would qualify for medicaid. I feel old and left on the shelf. I was willing to forgive him, but he has suddenly decided he hasn’t been happy in years and is no longer in love with me. I’m so broken right now that i don’t know what to do .

    1. Kelli, my story is similar to yours. 38 years and arthritis in both hands and hip. Had to cancel hand surgery when he left. That was 6 months ago. The first few months I was an absolute mess and ended up in hospital for 3 weeks with severe depression. Cried constantly and felt helpless and hopeless. He didn’t give a damn. I decided to take charge of the situation and made it clear to him he was never crawling back. I don’t know what your situation is but I was okay for money…just. I hated him and her and immersed myself in that hatred at first. Gradually I realised I was empowering them to hurt me more so I tried hard to not think about them. I have sold the house and bought myself something. I am already happier than I was for 38 years. He annoyed and maddened me for decades he was so immature and selfish and that’s gone now. I have reconnected with girlfriends and spend more time with the kids and grandkids who were wonderfully supported. I healed slowly. Acceptance is the key but it isn’t easy. He and she are off to Paris next month and that was hard to take but now I don’t care. It takes time and perseverance to take control of your new life and be happy again. I’m proof it doesn’t have to take years. I got most of my mother’s inheritance back (he wanted half) and that made me feel so much better. I have a new home to look forward to. Nowhere near as beautiful as the house we had but it’s all mine and he isn’t in it. No one can predict your journey but do whatever it takes to get there as fast as possible. He has shown what an awful shallow person he is which is why you will be happier without him. Don’t dwell on being a victim any longer than necessary. It wins you no sympathy in the end and people tire of it. Allow yourself to go through the grief cycle which is natural. 6 months ago I was in a psych ward and now I’m truly happy. It can be done. Best wishes.

      1. Thank-you so much for your story. Your words about empowering them to hurt you really resonated with me. I am almost 3 months into my separation and I thought I was doing good but had a few really bad days after seeing social media posts of my ex and her proclaiming their love and half naked pics. I try to avoid seeing anything about them but I had a moment if weakness. This awareness that I am empowering them to hurt me should help me to stop it. I will also be moving into a new home as soon as I can and will look forward to that. I can’t wait until I am truly happy again.

  31. 2 weeks ago my husband of more than 25 years and together 27 years came home and the first words out of his mouth were that he was in love with another woman. And that he was leaving. I dropped to the floor. He said it has been going on for about a year. I’m not saying we were perfect but this isn’t something I expected! He says he still loves me and will never abandon me and our children but he already has. He’s staying with his mother as he lied to his mistress and told her we were separated and she is angry now. I don’t know who she is. At first I was very angry but now I miss him, I feel like a desperate loser! Once in a while he texts me and sends me mixed messages and my emotions are all over the place. This week I have an appointment with a therapist. I’m hoping she can help me figure out where I go from here…I am so lost. I haven’t told many people. I feel embarrassed and afraid of how they will see me.

  32. Ten years so all my 30’s I get to be told on blue tooth by some girl that said he was late coming home to me is because he isn’t coming home. Spent week of Christmas in a mental faculties he left me with a dog and cat and homeless.
    I’m devastated and have been stuck in a stressful mental psychosis I’m lost and alone they are trying to repo car got shut off notice for almost everything, I never saw it coming and they sent me pictures of the good sex, who puts others at risk for std and aids and telling me they been together 6-3 months who’s counting! I’m hurting and it triggered my other mental illness borderline personality disorder. Really just hurting!

  33. Hi Ladies,

    I’ve followed this thread for almost 2 years. Similar story, my husband has turned into someone I don’t know after 20 years together and moved out 18 months ago. We have 3 daughters. We still own a business together which we still do regularly meet at work. So far, no one has filed for divorce yet. He rarely visits the kids ( 13 yo, 14 yo and 18 yo). The eldest has just started her Uni degree in The Netherlands, and no contact with him since Aug 2019 until 2 days ago which was my husband’s birthday, she told me that she emailed him but I didn’t ask what’s in the email. It was as per my suggestion. I don’t know if everyone will agree about this but I thought that no matter what I should raise the girls to become good people. My daughters are all still upset about him leaving the family but somehow now they get use to not having him around. As for me, it is getting better but yet there are ups and downs after 2 years I found out about the cheating. He is now still in a relationship with this other woman, travelling here and there, even she posted their activities in her social media. I do still cry once a while and I wonder when will this stop.

    True …. TIME is everything in this process. I am not the same person as I was last year.
    I get better. I travel more. I did my first triathlon last year. I take swimming lesson. This year, I’m going to do my first Full Marathon. Just signed up for Chicago Marathon 2020 last night. I will visit my daughter next week for 2 weeks. Just trying to be a better person everyday with more self-love. Pursue my own happiness without neglecting the kids.
    For everyone out there, you are not alone and I am not alone. Life goes on and we should make the best of it. XOXO

    1. Hi Martha,

      What you say that he has turned into somebody you do not know is exactly what I think and feel.
      I realize reading all the posts of you ladies that we experience the same pain even if the circumstances are different but similar…

  34. Chris, you are going through exactly what I went through. Together/married for many years, 3 children, husband met someone at work! Threw him out 23rd December 2018!
    3 weeks is no time at all. Everyone’s different but here’s how I dealt with my ex.
    *I grieved for about 3 months
    *I blocked him on any social media
    *I cut off all contact, other than email contact to arrange child arrangements/finance.
    *The less I knew the better!
    *I got a solicitor and started divorce proceedings (2nd affair btw).
    *I confided in many friends.
    *I cried (a lot)
    *I got stronger
    *I read lots of self-help books
    *I got counselling (And still have it!)
    *I started to think that I was the lucky one because I am still in my 40s and have been given the chance to be me again.
    *I didn’t blame myself, I blamed him. Yes the relationship was a 2 way thing but the decision to have an affair was entirely his!
    *I’m now fighting him through the courts for what me and our 3 children are entitled to.
    *I have minimal/rare contact other than email. It has helped me heal. I was lost with no purpose in life but I’ve realised I’ve as much right to be happy than him so that will keep me going.

    It’s gonna be a long road ahead if you decide to go it alone but it will be so worth it. It will feel like time has stood still but it’s your body and mind healing. Time is the biggest healer in all of this.
    I wish you all the best. Just get through each day focusing on eating and sleeping and your children. Xx

  35. I recently put my husband out of the house a day after Christmas, after finding out he has been having an affair with a younger women,which works at the same place his does. We are both 48 and married 22 years. We have 3 children. 23,20, and 12. I have actually known him 30 years. The woman he is having the affair with is 26 years old. I actually found out about it on social media. When I contacted her, she told me she had been seeing my husband for a year. He told her we were divorced and even showed her papers. She refers to me as the Ex. Me and her got into an heated argument over my husband. She has shared with me screen shots of their conversations,and he does nothing but talks about me like a worthless piece of trash. I didn’t know he felt that way about me, cause he never expressed those feeling to me. Now, that he’s out of the house, I’m so depressed, can’t eat, and has anxiety attacks on a regular basis. I can’t seem to shack it off. It’s been 22 days since he left. We are still consonantly arguing and fight. I recently found out where she lives and drives by there occasional to see if he’s there. He is still seeing her and I don’t know what steps to take next. He is telling me he just need time for him to get himself together and to give him space so he can be happy. I sometimes call him in the middle of the night because I can’t sleep to over his house. I have spent the night three times since he has moved out. When I leave It’s all those feelings back again. I know for a fact he is this see her too. So, I can we work on things if he continues to see this other women? I know I need to move on, but I don’t know how. I been with this man 30 years. How do I move on. I am tired of feel like crap every day. I don’t think it is bothering him on bit. The pain is unbearable! I just want feel normal again. Should I file for divorce or give it more time. I don’t know what to do. The other told me they had a close relationship and she’s not going anywhere, didn’t care about him being married. She there to stay!

    1. How you are feeling is absolutely normal. It’s horrible and you want the pain to end. You hope he might realise what he’s lost and come back to you. You know in your heart you shouldn’t want him back but you do. You know that the way he talks about you is dishonourable and disrespectful but you tell yourself he doesn’t mean it. Men who do this are not good people. They love the idea of being fought over by two women. Get him out of your life even if it hurts like hell because he will hurt you again and again. He doesn’t deserve you and he wants this younger woman who makes him feel like he still has it. He may not be evil but he’s not someone you can trust anymore. Keep him at arm’s length and for your sake and the 12 year olds do everything you can to stay away from him. It will feel better at times and then it won’t but hang in there. You know this is the right thing to do.

    2. I know exactly how you are feeling. Today makes 8 days since I kicked my husband out, but in fact, he as not been there for a long time. We have been together for 28 years, but he cheated on me constantly. We have 2 children, ( 17 & 12) but he as 4 others that I know about. I stayed because I didn’t want to start over. Know I realize that while he was physically with us, he was always somewhere else emotionally. My heart is in a tight knot and I cry and have tears in my eyes right through the last 8 days. I know if I call him to come home he would, but I know his heart is with someone else and that’s too hard for me to bear. I know I’m doing the right thing finally for myself but I hurt so much right now, it’s almost unbearable. I’m praying for strength not to call him and my daughter is encouraging me to start enjoying myself and to try not to look so sad. My kids are doing better than I am, they are glad to not have to deal with is constant quarreling and moodiness but I know they miss him too but are trying not to make me feel worst because they have seen how he as treated me.

      1. There is no easy way through it. It’s a loss and leaves a massive hole in our lives. Many of us will relent and let them come home only to be sorry later. Others will let them return thinking it’s much worse without them. No one is judging you if you do, we all have been there and know how it feels. I have decided I’m grieving the loss of my married life, not him exactly. I liked being married and 38 years is a long time. I did not always like my husband however but I tolerated his often neglectful behaviour. If he turned up today at my door begging me to take him back I would consider it but I know it would be the WRONG decision to agree. This is my fate now, to start afresh at 67 when every part of me longs to be where I was 12 months ago before things went bad and she came into our lives. I do believe in fate and I think I needed to be free of him so she appeared and lured him away. I must/have to believe this and it will be revealed to me in time as the best thing that ever happened. We want the pain to stop but taking him back will just mean a different type of pain. I don’t think many men change who they are.

  36. Dear Ladies,

    I want to address this to each and every one of you and this is such a horrible situation that we have all found ourselves in. It gives me comfort to know that I am not alone and I am nearly 4 months on since my cruel discard after 25 years together and I still cry every day trying to make sense of it all. The biggest thank you for sharing your experiences, the pain and heartbreak is at times unbearable. Losing your pride, self-esteem and identity is all something to process. What I am learning is there is no time scale. We are all unique and need to be kind to ourselves. The key word is narcissism, look it up and you will find some answers. Not pleasant, but you may see that it is them and not you that has the problem. They take their problems with them, we learn about ours by feeling the pain and grief. Thoughts and prayers with you all. Thank you.

    1. There is such a lot to process and it comes in fits and starts. The biggest one for me was realising how little he cared about my future. He simply didn’t give it a second thought because he DID NOT CARE! Then there was the fact that he was about to go to Paris with his girlfriend when we had planned to go on that trip this year. I hated that he was happy and I wasn’t. I also had to grieve the loss of the person I thought I was married to ie the person I thought cared and loved me and was basically a nice guy. I don’t think he is a narcissist, I think he is more a sociopath who hurts others without caring and always puts his own needs first. I made sure he knew how much I was suffering so that when property settlement came around I could cite that as him owing me more than what he wanted to give. I pleaded with him in person because it’s easy to say no in an email. I also practiced forgiveness and it helped that I also believe in karma. I said “I forgive you” several times a day because it helped me to heal. The best advice I got was “Don’t be a victim” which is basically being sorry for yourself. Sh*t happens and as bad as this seems it is not the worst thing that could happen. We’re alive and functioning if barely. Concentrate on making the future as good as it can be; the past is gone and can’t be changed. Think about making today a good day and then pretty soon they will be mostly all good days. Don’t try and be super woman, just get through the essentials. If you need to rest get sick leave based on stress. It’s a sickness too. My doctor got me to have 3 weeks in hospital in a psychiatric ward because I was suicidal. It was lovely to be able to sleep, cry, sleep and heal while someone else cooked and cleaned for me.

    2. Jennisea,
      You are definitely on to something. I just found out that my husband is indeed a covert narcissist. What all of us are experiencing is narcissism with our spouses. The love bombing, instant and intense rush of emotions, devaluation and then the abrupt discarding.
      May we all heal, seek our own happiness, find a newer and improved version of ourselves and sincere peace.

  37. DEBBIE
    January 12, 2020 at 8:06 am
    Hi I’m Debbie my husband has left me and I am devastated. I go over all the awful things he has said and done to me and it hurts so bad.. I just can’t seem to get over this it’s been 3 months and I’m still very low. How do you begin to build a new life after being with someone 15 years and they just up and go. I seen him last week and he hit me and said the most awful things.. please if anyone any advice I feel like I’m never going to get over this

    1. 3 months is not enough time I’m afraid. Time heals all wounds, as they say, and I know that’s not much comfort now but it’s true. For me it helped to get the house sold as quickly as possible and a financial agreement drawn up. Getting these things set up helped me focus on the future not the past. I was with my husband for 38 years and he left 4 and a half months ago. Only after these things were drawn up could I begin to heal. I still have bad days but they are getting fewer. Most importantly you need to want to heal. To do that you have to not want him back and then you have to believe your life will be better without him. That is harder than you might think. Every time you feel angry tell yourself. “I forgive him” and say it several times. It denies him the ability to make you feel bad because, hey! You forgave him! Try to not think about him too much and distract yourself when you do by going on line or making a coffee and reading a magazine. Eventually you will find it has got better without you noticing. It’s something you just have to rise out sadly.

    2. I can promise you, you will get over this! A broken heart is like any other broken part of your body. It will take longer though, as the hurt is much deeper.
      I am a year on and still have a long way to go. I have to sit back and watch my husband of 20 years move on with his new woman.
      Take this time to be thankful that you’ve been given the opportunity later in life to rediscover yourself. It’s not easy and can sometimes feel so lonely but it’s a great opportunity. Focus on you. Eat well, get exercise, read books (I’ve read lots of self help books), think about the things you’ve always wanted to do. Take yourself back to the person you were before the relationship. The dreams you had. You get one chance at life. We all came into this life as individuals and have every right to make your own happiness.
      Those men who treat women like this are not truly happy deep down. You are in a more positive position than him. He will take his problems to the next woman and so on.
      Just take each day and be kind to yourself. Good luck x

      1. Jackie,
        Your passage speaks volumes! One thing is for sure, these men are broken and lost. Somewhere lies a broken and hurt little boy that is still screaming for attention that he did not receive a lot of as a minor, or he received too much praise and validation from a narcissist parent.

        Many of the men mentioned throughout this thread all have very similar traits and patterns for the various types of narcissism. Humans with compassion, empathy, and remorse cannot just pick up and leave suddenly without a conversation or sincere desire to at least talk and see where the relationship or marriage went wrong. Women that they professed there love to or claimed to be so in love with, committed their life too in front of family, friends, and as the mother of their children can simply pick up and leave without a trace to be with a woman that they barely know? This is all done just to have their sorry ass egos massaged? These are not the men that we vowed our lives to honor and cherish until death do us part.

        I can speak personally that the so-called man that I feel deeply in with is not the same man that I know today. He no longer exist. My marriage was a scam. A fake. A fraud. His new identity is now of a sinister monster. An emotional killer and abuser.

        The only way to go at this point is to heal and move forward and go on strict no contact. If you have children, a third party can be in the front line when dealing with a spouse that has left and has replaced you with their sea turtle chia pet. Find a trusted family member, friend, member of your church or a court-appointed advocate to deal with your spouse until you can relocate whom you used to be before the relationship/ marriage. Somewhere along the lines, we lost a little bit of ourselves trying to be everything to everyone but ourselves. I know that I forgot to be me. Today, I am stronger than I ever have been in my life, and I will never allow another person to hurt me like this again.

        The betrayal, lies, deceit and gaslighting is the upmost worst that I have ever experienced. The lack of him taking responsibility for his actions, and then placing the blame on me as if I was the one who cheated. We will somehow get through this terrible time. It feels like an eternity for me. I have been separated for seven ½ months and I realized that I will be the one to seek divorce. This also infuriates me to no avail because he was the one who cheated and left abruptly! Why am I the one to start the process? I did not cheat but I know that to move forward with my life, I will be the one to file and reclaim my life back.

        Again, I wish everyone the best in finding your jump start on healing, rediscovering who you are and locating a newer and improved version of you, sincere happiness, joy, smiling, laughter, lots of wine and more wine. If you need to throwing darts at their pictures, scream for no reason, be angry, do not block your feelings of frustration or disappointment, grieve my all means grieve, cry and then write your feelings down in a journal. You will soon recognize that moving on is the only and final way to heal and get back to loving you again. You must understand that the marriage is dead. The man you married is no more. He is a broken man that is no longer able to be a part of your life or any of our lives.

        God Bless & Healing to All

      2. It helps reading through all of these posts to know I’m not alone. My husband left my 2 year old daughter and I the day after Thanksgiving when I found out about his affair (this is the second one btw). It’s been two months and he is still with her. He said they were “just friends” and it “just happened”. He refuses to end the relationship, says they’re in love, even tried to introduce her to our friends (they refused to meet her). I feel destroyed, mourning the loss of my marriage, my best friend, our dreams. But his actions make me question if those things ever existed. I filed for divorce two days ago. Enough is enough. I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster but knew the only way I could really start to heal is to file. Hardest and best decision I’ll ever make. I still have a long road ahead but I know in my heart I’m doing what’s best for myself and my daughter.

        1. Kerry,
          It seems as if all of our stories of what we are going through is so similar and familiar. Sometimes I get really sad because so many wives are still able to be in some type of contact with their husband’s, even if it is limited. At least many have been able to talk things out with them.

          Mine has completed discarded me and my children so easily and abruptly without a care in the world. I too am seeking a divorce. I just want this nightmare to end so that I can finally take back my life and move forward knowing that he is legally no longer part of me.

          Acceptance is the hardest part but I have faith that all of us will see victory soon!

        2. I agree Kerry. I immediately put the house on the market thus cutting off any avenue he might have had to try and return. His friends supported him leaving me because they thought me a controlling bitch. By that they meant I occasionally insisted on being a higher priority in his life than them. Not being a big drinking, party loving type did me no favours either. I should have left him years ago but I was afraid of the future alone. Now, by his leaving, I see fate forced me to face that fear. I sometimes still want my old life back but it’s gone as sure as if he had died only I would had more money if he had! Not facing reality would have been the easy course to take but nobody wants to be around a “victim”. So every day I have to remind myself of that and try to make each day pleasurable in some way. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. You just have to go on putting one foot in front of the other. Good luck ladies!

    3. Dear Debbie,

      I have felt so low since October 2019 and still feel a bit less low since March…
      But I wonder if it is because my children and I learnt he has metastatic prostate cancer.
      They say we will get over this…
      Do you think cancer can make men change inside their heads?
      My BFF says I should no wonder about the whys but on getting better, I know she is right but it is only normal to ponder these questions.
      I used to hope for a miracle and he would pick me eventually but now I think this less and less.
      Must be healing after all!

  38. My ex of almost 17years did that to me. She cheating before Irma ,then hatched a plan to leave to protect our kids beforeIrma hit. Then sealed the deal physically cheating with him. Found out only when I caught The Clap from her cheating(thank GOD it was curable). She ended the relationship and her rebound only lasted until January 2018. I forgave and took her back. She needed a surgery, so I was used again until she got better. Then poof, gone again. But this time making sure with her lies, that I couldn’t see nor speak to our kids ever again. Come to find out she was nothing but a narcissistic person like her mother. She followed in her mother’s footsteps and did to me what she did to my ex’s father. False love can make you a fool and blind to the writing on the wall.
    But the LORD says to forgive and forget. I can’t hate my ex for the teaching of her mother. Because I will always love my kids, so I can’t hate my ex. Just a reminder to those who have kids with an ex. If you hate your ex, it will only show to your kids you hate them too. For they are of you and your ex.

  39. My husband left me after 26 yrs only to say I deserved better. I am beside myself and astonished that he chose this path after my support of his military career and law enforcement careers and raising our son. He has basically walked out on the both of us leaving everything behind and a mess in his path. I have a heavy chest and feel I can’t breathe easy. Our divorce is final and I expected him to fight for us. PTSD and depression has played a huge role and I can’t fix everything I know. But I was always there to support him.

    1. Husbands who leave are not thinking about what we did for them. They are imagining a whole better life without us in it. It’s very hard to accept that but some people are focused only on themselves and nobody else matters. Don’t take it as a personal insult; it’s just his crappy way of dealing with life. It’s easy to blame PTSD when you’ve been in the forces and maybe this is a factor or maybe he isn’t mature enough to cope with the reality that life is often boring. I know my 64 yo husband thinks that he has one shot at life and nobody is going to hold him back, least of all the woman he married 38 years ago. I now realise how much more pleasant life is without him. I no longer have to walk on eggshells in case he blows a fuse over something unimportant. It’s not fair, you didn’t deserve it but it’s happened and now we are free to live a better life without our miserable husbands.

    2. Hi Susan hope you are ok. I know it is so hard I am in the same position. My husband has left me and I am devastated I just think about him constantly wondering what he’s doing and cry every day.. sorry no great advice to give to make you feel any better. Just know you are not alone feeling how you do: message if you would like to talk. x

  40. 1. DEAR STEPHANIE Needing to pour out my heart and receive advice from women who have been left by their husbands for another woman. I’m 33 years old with a 5 year old daughter and a 7 year old son and after 13 years together, (married for 9) my husband left me It wasn’t unusual for him to sleep over at a friends house. That was your first mistake. You don’t sit by and go along with your husband spending the night at another person’s house. It is unusual for a wife to put up with this kind of behavior. He moved into the apartment with me for 2 weeks and then left. He choose to live with another woman and refuses to come back. I would be financially secure if I wouldn’t have stopped pursuing my goals to help him through legal issues. I did that to have him betray me. I was faithful throughout the marriage. I kept my vows. Prayed for him. I feel humiliated. We’ve been abandoned. The answer is to divorce him and move on but I’m a Christian and I can’t seem to shake the feeling that God wants me to stay. It is true in the bible that God hates divorce. Read 1 Corinthians 7:15 New International Version (NIV) 15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. You can continue to pray for your husband who is an unbeliever but you need to let him go. Don’t use God as an excuse to the a door mate.

  41. Amansa, How can anyone take advantage of my grief to get a second chance to hurt me how can he hate me that much ? He doesn’t hate you, he it just very immature and can’t stick to the program. It is him. I was a flawed character. What hurt the most he blamed the end on my silly comment. I say any excuse is better than no excuse. He will tell himself what ever he has to say to make himself feel better. I kept saying it can’t be. And you are correct it is not that. He is screwed up in the head and can’t take ownership for what he does. if it’s that there is someone else I can walk away without guilt or blame but he is denying it even though his van is outside her house and until I told him I knew trying to text to keep me interested what is wrong with him. There is something wrong with him and you can’t fix it. What is wrong with you is you are refusing to face the truth. You need to stop living in a dream world. He is Not the love of Your, he is the love you wanted him to be. You need to move on and get rid of him in order to move forward with your life and then happiness will come to you but it will take a while and you must be patient. Join a grief support group. Meet other people but don’t jump right into another relationship. Take a break. Take time to get your head together. It is important to get to know yourself and not be in a hurry and be desperate to get into another relationship. You are not ready. And people can sense that you are messed up right now and they will take advantage of you. They will know you are desperate like a dog can smell fear. Don’t rush yourself.

  42. I READ MELISSA STORy. He cheated and left multiple times. Melisa kept taking him back. This is your whole problem, you don’t keep giving a man who cheats over and over again multiple chances to return to you. You are giving your power away. ” Melissa had zero support system.” You can seek out a support system. There are grief groups you can join. Melissa is feeling sorry for herself and that has to stop. ” he told me we are done. he’s talking to a 21 year old. ” ” I begged and pleaded.” It is never a good idea to beg a man to stay with you. Get your dignity off the floor. You don’t lower yourself to beg. You can let him he has hurt you and hurting you is not acceptable. I told him he needs to leave. he left. Good move telling him to move out. Good move that he left. This is your first stop in recovery. Have as little contact with him as possible. I will tell you this is not easy to do but in the long run your will take back your self respect. It will take time to get over this but be patient. Don’t worry about finding another partner who you feel madly in love with. Let a man come to you who shows you love, even if you don’t immediately feel like you are head over heals with him. Love can grow. Your life is not over. It is better to if the man has the more stronger feelings for you. That kind of man most likely won’t hurt you and eventually you will grow to be happy and have a partner who always lefts you up and values your company. About a year ago some other man expressed interest in me. I slept with him. Okay so my made a mistake. It is okay. Stop beating yourself up. Get a grip. Learn from that and don’t do that again. Don’t be in a hurry to have sex with a man. Take your time. If he is the right person for you, he will wait and sex can come much later. our mutual friend has told him what happened. my ex is acting like this is my fault. my life turned upside down and taking all the blame. Wanting so badly for this man to want me back. How do I let go? How do I move on? I don’t feel I deserve to.

  43. I know exactly what you are feeling. The desire to have things as they used to be is very strong. We remember a time when we got up each day confident of what the day would bring. We did things together with a partner and it felt safe and secure. Now it doesn’t feel like that all, in fact just the opposite.
    I suspect if his new girlfriend dumped him mine he would come crawling back full of BS about how it wasn’t what he expected and how it was so much better with me. But it would be BS and I would be an idiot to fall for it.
    He didn’t honour me enough, or care enough about me to resist the temptation of another woman. That is not acceptable and we do ourselves a dishonour if we think it is. I remind myself every single day that I did nothing to deserve this. I put up with a lot of crap from him for 38 years for him to fall for the first and second woman who paid him any attention. And he was happy to walk away from a beautiful family and force me to sell the home I love and give him half the proceeds.
    Some days I feel so depressed I forget what he has done and just long for my partner back. We did not have a fraught and stressful life but it was not enough for him. He wanted more excitement in his life and his choices devastated a lot of people, most of all me.
    And so I resolve that if he returned it would just be a matter of time before he did it again. There are millions of women living alone and being happy. At 67 I am one – most of the time. I just have to keep plugging along. I don’t ever want to go through the last year again. I must listen to my head which tells me this is the best path to take and ignore the emotions which say “But maybe….”. No, no a thousand times no.

    1. This has just happened to me. He’s 73, I’m 67 and he up and left to move to another country with an ex from 50 years ago. It was very sudden and cruel. He also wants to sell our home soon. I’ve told him I won’t be rushed into this. He’s left a trail of shock and devastation behind. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and feeling overwhelmed by it all. He has always been selfish with narcissistic traits so this is just another example and I’m sure I’ll be happier without him. It just hurts that he could be so cruel and heartless.

    2. Wow… What a powerful story Anna! We all have so many similar stories of how our husbands left us so easily and abruptly. It baffles me that just receiving a little attention from another woman can justify them to leave a loving wife, children (biological or not) their home, finances and any businesses that you all acquired as one. All for just a little attention and sex.

      This is mind-blowing for me still after seven months of being without my husband. I recently found out that my husband is a narcissist and he had already started the process of discarding and his smear campaign with his enablers, and flying monkeys against me before I even had a clue.

      Thank you so much for your encouraging words of wisdom. I needed to hear this today, as I too was feeling depressed and missing the “marriage” and the benefits of being married to a masked emotional murder. This may be to harsh for others, but how he left me with no remorse is what he did to me and to our family. Reading your passage just gave me the strength to move forward with my divorce and for me to complete my own closure.

      As always, I am wishing everyone complete happiness, peace, prosperity, hope to find healing and sincere love one day.

  44. Hello,
    My husband and I seperated this March. He was talking to another woman online. She lived in New York and he filed for divorce in April to go be with her. We live in Texas and he made it as far as Louisiana when he left in May. He decided to come back and give our marriage another chance. He said he stopped talking to her for awhile then he got distant again in October. He left again in November and I found out on Christmas he was living with her. She moved from New York to be with him. I don’t know what to do now. He says he doesn’t know what he wants he’s still deciding as he hasn’t filed for divorce yet and I haven’t either any thoughts would be appreciated

    1. I am in an affair recovery group. They talk about ambivalence. When the husband can not decide between the affair partner and the wife. The advice is to not push for a decision, do not try to compete with the affair partner. There is a lot more, and I do not want to muddle it, so google the subject about ambivalence and affairs. Good luck. Worry about taking care of yourself above all else. Health inside and out is the most attractive thing a person can posses.

    2. I was told once by a very wise woman that his indecision is a decision. My husband left for his younger playmate in february of 2018. Wanted to come back in the summer of 2019 however I was apprehensive. One day I decided to surprise him at his condo, he told me repeatedly they were not an item. When i showed up unannounced, she was there and he panicked. Needless to say it solidified it for me that they cannot be trusted. Their actions, not their words is what counts and unless they are doing back flips to regain your trust. Leave them to wallow in their self pity

    3. I keep thinking I’m getting stronger and more accepting every day. I tell people “I’m over it” and even my psychologist agreed with me. And then Friday I found out he is taking his girlfriend to Paris in March. Almost instantly I was right back where I started with feelings of intense pain so bad I just wanted to die. I rang my son and sobbed hysterically for half an hour telling him I couldn’t take another blow while he kept assuring me that I can and how he and his siblings are there for me and understand and can’t do without me. The house has been sold – my dream home I got to enjoy for 1 year – and I move out in March. A lot has to be done re packing, moving, cleaning and he will leave it all for me. I honestly understand crimes of passion. I genuinely want to kill them both but of course I won’t. It’s just the anger and hurt overwhelms me sometimes. I’ve never experienced anything like this before. I wrote him an fyi email telling him how hopeless and fearful I am. I didn’t expect a reply and I didn’t get one. However 24 hours later when I collected my dogs from his place I didn’t lock the door properly and he’s on the phone complaining bitterly to me implying I’m an idiot. After baring my soul and telling him how I’m struggling he gets offended by my “carelessness”. I think that was the biggest wake up call of all. He has no compassion, no sense of honour, no shame at the misery he’s called. All those years (38) and he didn’t give a damn. But one thing is also true. He doesn’t give a damn about anyone but himself and his new girlfriend will discover that in time. The fake “nice guy” image he’s projecting is just a pretence and he won’t be able to keep it up forever. I truly believe he is incapable of truly caring for anyone but himself.

  45. My ex-husband and I were together for 7 years, of which we lived together for 6 years and were married for a year and a half. We lived in a house with his parents on our floor, but these people never accepted me, they are traditional and my family is completely different. we were a lot different, but I thought we loved each other. certainly, he worked a lot, 17 hours a day, in other cities, and I always respected that, but we had everything, the house, the cars, but he wanted more and that was always a problem. after I got married I was pregnant but I had a miscarried and since then I have changed, seen that I do not want to sit home and wait for him to come home from work, eat alone, be alone. we started to move appart, and I saw that and wanted to fix it, but he said everything would be fine, he wasn’t feeling well, that he was hit by the loss of a child, that he needs time. he also talked to my family and even blamed me for needing help because I’m cold and arrogant. I tried everything until the moment I saw the messages with his colleague..that killed me and he was not the least bit sorry. i moved out, left everything, he didn’t let me come back to our home to take the things, he packed it. he told his parents that he had nothing with that woman, and he brought her to the same town and found a job, and now they are happy together. he lied to everyone, to me, to my family, to friends, denyed that he was with her and now he is with her .. and it pains me that he lied and wonted to make me blane. I am now fixing my life, it took me a while, and I am still angry beacause he made everything in his life he wanted, and now I have to start all over again. fortunately, I met a man who is wonderful, I have friends, a good job, but it took me time, tears, to realize that he had a problem not me, and that he did this to another girl before me..he left her after he started something with me and i did not know that at time. i was desperate after i miscarried but obviously this was supposed to be so, all of this. Now he does not care that this woman is of another faith and his parents are very religious. it’s still hard for me to accept that everything in his life is great, I guess it’s the ego, but I see that a lot of women find themselves after all, they are better, because after all i think he is the one who has some problems with himself.

    1. There is a sense of disbelief in many of these posts; disbelief that the person we married could become this whole other person we never knew was there. That has been the hardest thing to accept. I wasn’t crazy in love after 38 years but he seemed happy until temptation came along and he couldn’t resist. His ego was so deeply flattered and at 64 I daresay he thought he was embarking on a whole new life far more exciting than ours together. I called her a “home wrecker” on Facebook and she was so humiliated that she tried to pretend there was no relationship for a few months. That must have been a disappointment for him while she kept him at bay but of course it is all out in the open now. Our friends have accepted her as is partner which hurt more than I can say. I have cut ties with those people completely. Their phone numbers and email addresses are blocked and they can’t see what I’m doing via FB either. I don’t miss any of them. When he left nobody picked up the phone to see how I was doing and the mantra “we didn’t want to get involved” was frequently spouted. They clearly didn’t care enough to comfort me is the way I see it. It was very hard for me to see him happy and I was very bitter but I had to let go of that. It was doing me harm to be thinking about them together so I block those thoughts as much as I can. “Judgement is mine, sayeth the Lord”. And does it really matter HOW I got free of him? The important thing is to be free from his insidious presence and not have to be around this duplicitous person. I concentrate now on the happiness I feel being alone and free from external stress that I never realised was there.

        1. Glad
          I truly understand your pain. I am going through the same thing with my husband. He left and moved in with his mistress. She is pregnant and he is now the step wanna be dad to her daughters. I guess all of our husband’s are living a great life without us?

          No one really understands what we are truly going through. People say that they do but they get tired of hearing the repeated stories of how we are still hurting and trying to make sense of what has happened to us.

          I sincerely pray that we find peace, happiness, much needed trauma therapy, healing and ways to create our own closure.

          Sending you sincere love, hugs and peace 🙂

        2. Dear Glad,

          We all feel the same that’s why it is important that we write how we are feeling and share our thoughts together. Hang in there, some mantras I keep telling myself are “ it will pass” and “nothing stays the same”. Find joy in the smallest of things, a beautiful day, birds singing and the love of friends and family. I have been so overwhelmed at times that I’ve not wanted to carry on, my children have been the only thing that has kept me going. We can’t create more chaos and drama as it’s not fair to them. None of us have asked for this. Love, commitment and loyalty is not enough for these men, we have all done our best and could have done no more. There is enough wickedness and we and our families don’t deserve more. I just wish I could escape all this horror and so I try to use distraction as much as possible. It doesn’t always work but it’s a start. From all the self-help I’m researching, we have to work through the emotions, feel them as painful as they are. I have cried every day for the last 3 months. The biggest question is “why?” and we will never get a straight answer from them, so finding our own solutions is all we have. Keep sharing lovely people and my love to you all. There are some good souls in this world and start by finding them here.

  46. I am happy I stumbled across this while I was looking for help on how to get through my husband leaving me. We were together for 29 years, since I was 17. He met up with a former acquaintance in November 2019 and left me and our children mid November and moved right in with her. I was completely blindsided as i had no idea he wasn’t happy. Days before he left we were planning our winter vacation. Today they are professing their love for each other all over social media. He hasn’t worked in 15 years due to health issues and I have supported our family. Now he is planning on moving across the country with her to work and said he doesn’t know if he will see us again. I can understand not seeing me again but I don’t understand abandoning our beautiful children who are both in post secondary school. I flip flop between good days where I know this is best for me to bad days not understanding how he could do this and being angry that he didn’t communicate with me how he felt before it was too late.

    1. Dear Heather. There is such a common thread amongst us all. At this special time of year when peace and goodwill should reign supreme we should remember that we have done nothing wrong and have only loved unconditionally. The hard bit is when you don’t see it coming. My love and thoughts are with you all. We must and will survive this and perhaps fate will deal its hand one way of another. My very best wishes to you all who have commented for 2020. A new year a new start.

      1. Elizabeth
        Thank and so many others posting, especially during the holiday season. It will a rough time for many of us but I know with prayers, faith, support of family and friends we will all make it.

        Good Luck to all!

      2. Jennisea

        You post is so very encouraging. I have wondering what was it that I did so horrible that he had to abruptly leave without a conversation or pre-warning? I have learned that my husband is a narcissist.

        2020 will be an awesome and promising year for all of us. The hardest thing is to understand that many of our husbands were not who they seemed to be. We must take the time to mourn the death of our marriages (this would only be a feasible solution if reconcile is no longer an option) and cope with all of the expectations and dreams we had in our marriage. This is a hard pill to swallow. Society has also warned us that a failed marriage is on the person who was left behind ( in some cases).

        May we all learn to heal and forgive our spouses. I am 7 months out and I am only understanding it will take time and small steps. May we all stay encouraged and take our time with healing. Wishing everyone the best.

        Sending hugs, peace and happiness to everyone going through severe trauma, heartache and pain.

        1. Hi Tiffany,

          Tough for you also having the prospect of another child being subjected to this trauma and like you I have also been researching Narcissism which also for me ticks a lot of boxes. I also think that for my conscience it is better to work through our pain of being discarded so cruelly rather than just crash through life creating more problems like conceiving another child in such a car crash situation. You have to feel sorry for them and would not want to be in our husband’s shoes. My husband is 63 and affair partner 53 so I am hoping that this is not a possibility. For all you lovely ladies, continue to be yourself, don’t change, remember YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG! This is their problem and we hope and pray that fate will deal its hand in the fairest way. Heal, believe and be at peace with yourselves. We did not deserve this but maybe it is all a sign that we have better times to come. Be strong and let’s keep supporting each other. As Tiffany says, you don’t want to keep on and on with family/friends who cannot possibly understand how it consumes our every waking moment. So let’s keep writing. Love to all.


    2. Hi Heather… I am so sorry about betrayal and pain. You are better of without him. It may not seems like that now because this is new, but you will get your healing. I turned to God in my time of grief and he is helping me.
      Heather my husband of 20 years left me for a friend….while my mother was dying of cancer. I lost both my husband and mother at the same time.
      A woman who could do this to another woman deserves a self centered man like your X. God help them to come to a place of seeing how their selfish behavior hurt people… PS it is hard for narcissistic to see and understand their behavior.
      Love your children and don’t speak evil of their father. Teach them how to treat women and love them.
      Also seek God he will comfort you.

    3. My husband did the same this year after 38 years. I fail to see what is so special about his new woman that he could give up his family and our life together to be with her. It beggars belief. I know women have done this too but they simply are not good people. They are selfish, dishonourable and opportunistic. I did not know the man I married was so unworthy of me and the family we created. He has become a despicable figure in all our eyes but he could care less. It’s a huge and difficult adjustment but I now see it as the universe doing me a favour getting this man out of our lives. I feel I had the wool pulled over my eyes for so long and now my life is more peaceful with little aggravation in it. His absence has made life better in so many ways. This Christmas was the best in years without him getting drunk and embarrassing me.

      1. Oh Anna. This could be me talking, as an almost identical thing has just happened to me and our family and friends. It was all very sudden and everyone is in shock. Like you, I can’t understand how someone can be so dishonest, uncaring, cruel and walk away from everyone and everything. It is narcissistic. We also had a lovely Christmas without him drinking too much and being rude. There are so many women in similar situations. Take care.

    4. Heather,
      I can sympathize with you. I went on a one week trip in October when I got back my husband of 31 years told me that either he was going to the house or I was but we needed a separation to work on our problems. We went to a marriage counselor to reconcile. The second week it came out that he had no intention of reconciling and was leaving me for someone else. She was a mutual friend of ours. And they had first kissed in June in MY car!!
      It kills me that he just went through the motions for months!!
      And everything was just coming together for us financially. Now he wants to cut me out of things. Just adds insult to injury.

  47. My heart truly goes out to each and every one of you. Over two yrs ago I found out my husband of 18 years whom I share 3 boys with was having an affair with the wife of his best friend of over 30+ yrs. The day I found out I kicked him out, but then I wanted him back and then I didn’t. I was up and down with emotions not sure what I wanted. During my struggles he continued to see her and was just as confused as I was. Part of me wanted to fight for my marriage and fight to keep my family together, but part of knew that the healthier thing to do for both of us and out boys was to let him go. He was an alcoholic and dabbled in drugs through the course of our marriage. He was not that involved with my boys, I’m the one who gave them the drug talks, sex talks, broken hearted talks, family always come first talks, he never went to school functions, award assemblies, parent teacher conferences, school sports, kids dr appts, etc. He’s excuse was he had to work, cuz he’s self-employed. All the teachers and coaches always thought I was a single parent. Guess I kinda was. There were LOTS of times he didn’t come home or was late cuz he was out drinking and partying. He almost missed the birth of our middle son, which he showed up drunk and smelled like alcohol.

    He has now been living with her for 1yr & a half, raising her son who is the same age of my youngest. He never sees the boys, mostly cuz they don’t care to see him anymore. He’s lied to them, doesn’t put them first and now they know what kind of person he really is so they refuse to see or talk to him. Since he’s been gone I made it point to show my boys that nothing was going to change in his absence, that our lives were going to continue to keep moving forward, we were a complete family without him, and I was still going to continue to do everything just as I did when he was living in the house and no matter what they can always count on me.

    I often ask myself, “does it take a stronger person to stay or a stronger person to leave?” The answer depends on the situation and what you are willing to endure or put your family through.

    I tried dating thinking it would fill a void and I met a really great MAN who wanted to show me and give me the world. My boys liked him and he really cared for them, but I got scared and felt things were moving too fast especially
    considering I wasn’t divorced yet, so I broke it off. Instead I started working on myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I joined a gym, started listening & reading self-help books, started to go back to church, and even went on a retreat. I’m still going through the divorce process, its been a long battle so I’m not 100% where I wanna be. However I’m surely on my way and I’m so much happier than I have been in the last 15yrs and so our my boys. I’m still not dating YET, cuz I’m waiting for my divorce to be done. Maybe I’ll meet that great Man again or find another great one. I can honestly say though, I can see the light, the moon, the stars, the sun and my happily ever after coming soon.

    Keep on living and I promise you ALL will find your happily ever after!
    I’ll be praying for all of you. God Bless!

  48. He left me broke, homeless when he left abruptly to live with his mistress and her children. He has pranced her around as the love of his life for everyone to meet. For some reason, he will not confirm his relationship on social media. This man always wanted to take pictures on and place them on social media. Now, he refuses to create a new page and no longer brags about his beautiful relationship. It makes no sense. He even had gotten her pregnant a few times while we were still living together as husband and wife. She is pregnant again.
    The problem with all of this is, why won’t he start the process of divorce? He did everything to be with her, so what not make the s**t complete? Why would want to stay married to someone that no longer serves you purpose and whom you despise?
    I love that this question has been asked because this is exactly how I feel.

  49. I have been a single mother for 5 years after my husband disappeared with his mistress in to the thin air. I have done all my possible best to get my husband back home but instead he filed for divorce.

    1. Hi Michelle. I felt sad reading your post because it would suggest you are still grieving for the loss of your marriage. The one truth we all have to face is that our husbands don’t want to be with us. It’s hard on the emotions and the ego but’s the way it is. Five years is a long time to grieve and if I were you I would seek out a grief counsellor for your sake and the sake of your children. Once we reach acceptance of the situation we feel we are on the path to healing. Ask yourself “Why do I want him back?” He does not care about you and the kids and is not someone you need in your life. If you can’t see a counsellor go to the library and borrow every book on grief you can find. It will feel a whole lot different once you stop chasing the illusion that this man is someone you need to be happy again. Good luck!

    2. You are so very lucky that he least he wants to file for divorce. I also mean this in a positive way. I just want to this to be over because I am so angry but tired of caring this burden alone.

      My husband has been gone for six months, so any chances of him coming back are desuetude. He has made his decision to make her his “wifey”. He has introduced her to all of his friends and family as his woman. Purchased her a car and provides for her and her children. They have been living together since the day he walked out on June 23rd. She has been pregnant at least three times. We were even pregnant at the same time while we were married living together.

      Wishing you peace, happiness and healing.

  50. It’s 3 months since my husband of 38 years walked out to be with another woman. I was so desperate and wanted to end my life. It was all that I had lost that affected me; my marriage, my beautiful home, my comfortable future. I did not love him but I was happy enough in the marriage as I had to learned to accept him for the way he was. I underestimated how flattered he was by the attention of this other woman and didn’t regard her as a serious threat. I’m 67 and she’s 58 but I look young for my age. She is the direct opposite of me and they are very alike. Both like to drink, play golf and watch sport on TV. When I’m being objective I can see how appealing this must be but most of the time I’m angry because I know I’m smarter, savvier and an interesting person. How dare he prefer her, right? It is really becoming a problem for me because my ego has been shattered. I obsess over their relationship and people know it, which makes me ashamed. I should be stronger than this. I know that life will be better without him – it already is less stressful – but my life is on auto pilot and I have too much time to think about what he’s done. He shows no remorse and the kids are basically on my side but they’re coming around to seeing him as less of a monster which hurts. I hate the fact I can’t control my emotions right now and am just treading water. The house is for sale and he is anxious to get his money and move on. He is angry I get to live here while he has less luxurious accommodation. He thinks I should be paying half his rent. I then start thinking this other woman is driving his behaviour which is probably not true. She has millions did I mention? She has played it cool with him so far to avoid looking like a home wrecker I think but I reckon things are hotting up now. Why do I care so much? I don’t want him back but I suppose I want him to want ME back. It’s ego isn’t it? I have to let go and find some peace. Gosh it’s hard.

    1. Oh Lord, I hear and feel your pain. My husband left me after 30 years for a woman whom he knew and broke up with BEFORE he met me. He told me he has always loved her, when he broke the news he was leaving me early last month. He said he loves both of us. (LMAO) I was broadsided and shattered. I am trying to find ways to believe my life isn’t over. That I can find joy again. At 68 years old, my older sister insists I am still young, that I have a joyful life ahead of me. Difficult to believe. Started to look online for help and found this website. It’s just what I need to hear! And you, too, my dear, there are some excellent resources here for you to avail yourself of. Sending MEGA HUGS to you, woman. You are beautiful, you are smart, you are strong. You can do this, going forward, without his sorry ass tagging along!

      1. Thank you Nancy. I have to beat this and stop obsessing. I have begun to try and block thoughts about them by switching to thinking about something else when I catch myself. I then say “I forgive them” because in my heart I really do. My brain thinks otherwise which is stupid. I must forgive to move on and have the life I deserve otherwise I am empowering them to continue to hurt me. Ego is the enemy because I really don’t care that much now I’m reconciled to the split. Life is better without the thousand niggling little irritations he caused me every day. I am just resenting that he left me and not vice versa. Over the years I considered it many times – he left once before in 2003 for someone else but she didn’t want him – but when I suggested it he would burst into tears! It is what it is and I’m not destitute. I will live comfortably and I have accepted that. It’s a process I guess. I am probably jealous that as usual he looks to have fallen on his feet. He has this woman and I have peace so I should be rejoicing. Must soldier on I guess.

  51. My Husband and I have been together for 7 years. 2 years ago he finally made the choice to get clean and become a better husband and father. We have 3 kids, the oldest is my step-son. I saved my husband’s life and brought his family back around him. I helped him fight for his child and was there to help build a true father son relationship. his son is now 11 and I became his step-mom when he was 4. we also have a 5 year old and 3 year old together. I have helped him build many bridges between friends and family and together we made a beautiful world but it wasn’t fully whole yet. He still had two more children that he hadn’t seen in 16 years and has tried many times over the years to get in touch with. Finally, on his oldest son’s 18th birthday he reached out to my husband. I helped my husband talk to him and calm his fears through the process of getting to know his son. We finally met him in person last year at Christmas and he just fit right in. He loved us and we loved him. My husband’s oldest daughter did not want to meet him until this September. My husband went out to LA to meet his 16 year old daughter for the first time since she was born and also met up with their mom. and now after all this beauty my husband told me he is leaving me for their mom. They hated each other for 16 years and didn’t want anything to do with each other through the years and this women took away my husband’s children for 16 years, but now they are in love. They had kids together in high school and were drug addicts together and they both cheated on each other and ran away from each other but now after all this time it’s true love a first sight, or that’s how my husband explains it. We were beautiful and I thought helping bring his whole family around him was a good thing but apparently I was wrong. Every day in our relationship he told me I was his one and only, the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and that he “f**ing Loved Me”. He was even writing this the week of when they first met. But I was a fool to believe he was real. He lost me and our beautiful world and now I have to deal with him everyday because we still have to live together and show the kids they are still loved through all of this. my husband’s girlfriend is visiting this week and I am so full of emotion I don’t know how to hold it together. I’m trying to be a good mom and person but it’s getting really hard at the moment. He also is acting like nothing has changed and still wants to be my best friend and good dad and says he cares about me. I am a mess..

  52. My husband told me 3 days ago he was leaving me for another woman.I confronted him on the phone as he works away all week and returns at weekends.I had recieved no phone calls from him in 3 days ot texts and knew something was wrong. When he told me I could not believe it we had been on holiday to Maderia for his 60th just a week ago. But a part of me could. He has agreed to let me live in our house and support me and has apologised for his behaviour. So you say all is good for you now Kate. Time will heal and you have a new start.
    My life with him 16years as been hell. Violence, cheating, controlling mental torture and totally not allowing me to be as an invidual when with him. He could be kind, never loving or showing any form of affection only in the early days. Mental cruelty was his game. Yet i stayed as i loved him. I did find someone in the mists of all this as I found he was having an affair many years ago and i met a guy who was repairing our ceiling he was loving kind and adored me,but my husband was my partner at that time kept texting me writing me love letters and won me back and asked me to marry him.Which i did. Its my wedding anniversary on Halloween spooky 11years but now im the pumpkin. I knew many times he was texting and ad seen a conversation on his phone whilst on his birthday but didnt want to spoil his day. I kept strong and hoped it would go away but this action I donot reccomend it never goes away. We went for a meal and i went to hold his hand and he pulled it away.I knew then it was too late.
    He now tellm me I am attractive and have a fantastic personality and am a great woman now hes free from his lies and deceit. We are talking like when we first met and he is still here at present on weekends. I find it hard when hes talking to her and just told his mother. This kills me inside. I will be 60 next year and i feel frightened and lost but at least the pain and mental torture of making me feel ugly, undesired, no sex, constanly making me feel inadequate in his presence is over. A new chapter but a scary one. But im free now to be me and find a new life as a single woman. Where will the next adventure take me. Be optimistic all x

  53. My husband walked out on me and my son after 17 years of marriage. He had been in my sons life since he was 2. So I was devastated when my husband left us for someone with no job, no car, and legally lost her kids by the state her sister has legal rights to them but they reside with her and my husband. It was like we where tossed out and replaced. I would wake up ever night screaming and thought I had the worst dream ever just to realize that it wasn’t a dream that I was living that nightmare. This went on for over 2’s only been 6 months now that he walked out , I started a new job bartending and it was just what I needed, I’m not ready or even thinking about a relationship but it has gave me my self-confidence back and I have made several friends there. It’s still hard , I still cry myself to sleep at times and I have more good days then bad ones now . I’m not even close to being okay but I do know that I had to quit making my life a ” poor me” it still upsets me to see him and I’m not strong enough yet. I have finally let him go and that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my 46 years on this earth I felt like my soul was ripped out of me . I still have a long way to go because I lost myself so kmow I’m focusing on who I am and what I want and need. I have been reading up on how to help me cope. I do still catch my self thinking ” what did I do wrong, why he did this and so one but I’m better then where I was 6 months ago . Honesty, 6 months ago I wanted to die cuz I didn’t know if I could or even how I was going to live my life without him . It’s a slow process but Im starting to feel my self getting better, not for him but for me

  54. Mari, I am right with you. My husband left me for a coworker and I am praying it falls through and he realizes what he has done and is filled with regret and comes back to me. What is wrong with me?

    1. Seeing the dates here and a recent post I just had to say my heart goes out to you. I too have been left and my husband now lives with his affair partner who is also a coworker. The pain is unbearable and my heart feels broken. I didn’t see it coming. I want so much to recover but can’t see it yet. I live in hope.

      1. I didn’t see mine coming as well. I felt like I was going to die. I just take one moment at a time. My husband is saying he is not going to move in with her right away but I see it happening as soon as she moves here. All I can do is know that he lost me, I did not lose him and I deserve so much better and so do you. He does not get to take away my beauty in life. he can just watch me bloom without him. It is my time now.

  55. I’ve read a few of these and it seems a common theme that the men are blaming us for their mistakes. I’m 8 weeks into my separation with my husband of 14 years. I found out he was having an affair with a coworker in August. He hasn’t spoken to me about it, he still denies everything. It’s utterly ridiculous and to cowardly. I want to discuss our marriage – I know I did things wrong. And even though he thinks I’m a horrid black hearted evil person I just want accountability. I want him to own up to what he did. He actually was surprised when I served him with divorce papers. He said he thought we would talk about it but he hadn’t spoken to me in 6 weeks and been ignoring my calls and texts. That’s the thing ladies they are turning it around on us. And it’s bogus.

    But what I’m struggling with tonight is how the switch flipped. Suddenly I am disposable, I am less than a stranger to him. Where 9 weeks ago we shared a bed, we talked about our day and our kids while watching shows together, now I don’t deserve even a text response. That is really bothering me. There aren’t words to explain how hurt and used and betrayed I feel. Like many other woman I suspected the affair but was told I was crazy and nothing was going on. I never thought he would do this to me. The man I’ve known for 17 years is a stranger to me. He’s more than a stranger.

    I’m sorry we are all going through this. I hope you ladies are doing better and I will pray for all of us during this truly difficult and suffering time.

    1. Wow… We are going through the same storyline. I just don’t understand it. One minute they are loving, and then BOOM! they walk out with no explanation or care in the world. It seems that the only thing that these men, our husbands, could care less about how we feel or how they hurt us or the children. I felt you exact pain when I read your post. I feel so alone and ashamed of my now broken and lost marriage. I haven’t heard or seen him since June 23rd when he walked out the door to be with his mistress and her children. At least you don’t have to worry about pregnancy. We both were pregnant at the same time, and she has since then been pregnant and miscarried. She is now pregnant again. In my situation, I have to face the music that he chose her over me and the marriage is officially over. I waited six long months for him to wake up. I guess he is in love and wants to make a long lasting commitment to her now. The sad thing that makes me so angry about this is, why won’t he just divorce me and get on with it?

      I pray and hope that all of us heal, learn, find happiness within ourselves again, get our lives back and become a better us then we were before!

      Sending sincerest happiness and joy to you, and anyone is reads this 🙂

  56. Hi everyone
    It’s an awful nightmare when a long marriage ends or any for that matter, I have been married for 23 years and very very happy, ( right) how could I not see it coming, I have been proud of “ my strong marriage” I often got up and said .. wow my life is literally perfect, well was I wrong, 3-4 weeks ago my future ex husband says he hasn’t been in love with me for the past year, meanwhile we have been on about 6 vacations as a family and 2 alone on top of that we used to take small trips to find each other over and over again, I have 2 boys 22 and 16, the youngest doesn’t know we are actually divorcing … I’m working in that and yes he is staying in the house for now until he “ saves some money to move out he can’t afford anything since I’m the one with a career but he does have an special friend which he spends the whole day texting calling and taking out. I can’t believe I didn’t see anything wrong but I guess I was busy trying to pay the bills, it’s very painful to see him already with a new life while we are still married, I trusted him completely I feel I’m dying little by little and I just wished he would leave already, my lawyer gave him about 6 months to move out as per my request but I regret this. I want to end this suffering already

  57. It’s our second marrriage,and my husband went out,but the problem here is he is hiv and aids diagnose using the drugs but has stop taking it,i think he left me because I am negative,and his mistress is positive ,I have try to sacrifice many a times taking him back Everytime he went out and coming back but this time i think it’s over.i think i will overcome.

  58. I suspected my husband “John” was having an affair at his faith-based organization when he was constantly slipping her name into conversations. Then he moved her into a position under his leadership and gave her a huge raise. No matter how suspicious I was, he denied it, grew angrier and called me psycho. Once John got deeply involved with this married woman he wanted me dead (he’s plead out on charges). I came to discover he was constantly at hotels with her, has spent our entire life savings and more on her and claims it is God’s will for him. “Sue” then began divorce proceedings to divorce her husband for him. They’ve secretly been living together, sneaking off to hotels, have gone on trips and I discovered they were having sex at lunch at the hotel around the corner from work. John and Sue have convinced everyone at work that they have “saved” each other from horrible marriages and that God has blessed them both. Sue is not a Christian and John now acts the part in public but behind the scenes is having fun doing all the “bad boy” stuff he’s wanted to do. We were married almost 15 years, together more than that. When I found the hotel bill- with a room for two adults, breakfast in bed and couples massages- I knew-and I threw up that night over and over and sobbed like never before because I knew he was with her and it was the proof that it was real. I filed for divorce the following day.He claimed they went there as lonely friends and slept in different beds. Really?! He’s blamed me since day one as we had separated (but lived together) when I insisted he pick me or her and he told me I was crazy and nothing was going on. He said that was the end for him and that I pushed him into it. This is not his first affair but he claimed the rest were “just emotional.” To top it off, he made me give up my job, family, friends, etc. and move overseas with him to the USA. Now, I can not leave to go home unless I am willing to leave my children behind (which I won’t) due to custody rules in the state we are in. I’m now desperately seeking a work visa while he plots to deport me. I’ve begged for him to allow me to go back to England with the kids but he has said no. His new woman Sue now laughs and mocks me as much as he does. He actually took her on every single “bucket list” trip we had planned while in our new home in the US. He purchases t-shirts and hats everywhere he goes will wear it around the children and I to flaunt where he has been. He laughs and says he won and that they are soulmates and that he will be married for her for life (turns out they have been engaged to each other while both of them were married!! He even took my teenage daughter Julie shopping for Sue’s engagement ring and told her not to tell me claiming it was a surprise for my birthday). There is a baby boy that also was born that might be his and he claims too he wants to have (more) children as I am now infertile after having my 2 and having complications. He said she’s a “real” woman. Everyone at his work believes his lies and are fully supportive of them as a couple. I’ve lost so many mutual friends. I cry myself to sleep, I read my bible, pray, write in my journal, see a Christian counselor and have sought out help from my church but nothing is taking this raw, awful pain away.I’ve lost 40 pounds and now am in perfect shape but he still does not care (Sue is very large). I’ve begged God to please show my husband what he has lost but my husband only sees gain. He’s got a “new” family now. I’ll be losing my house and he still wants to deport me and take our kids. He told me he will destroy me for ever calling the cops on him and furthermore he is out to prove I am the insane one and he’s the victim. I watch our kids so he can go on cheating and he plays Disney dad when he wants to or when it is his court ordered visitation but he spends the time bad mouthing me, getting the kids to play with the new woman and to tell her how great she is and he has convinced them while there that Sue will be a wonderful mother to them- even though her husband Greg has showed me text after text in which she says she hates my kids. They are now planning their honeymoon and wedding and are purchasing a large home together- and they are both still legally married! Our divorce has been a nightmare but is finally nearing completion. I begged, pleaded and tried to reason with him to go into marital counseling with me but he coldly shakes his head and says “I never loved you” and “I never want to be with you again” and has told me he never knew what real love was until he found this woman. They’re still constantly together- working and sleeping over together- and having a grand time. I’m left with half his cheating debt, potentially declaring bankruptcy from all the debt and my legal bills and I’m struggling how he could throw it all away and trap me in a foreign country with no remorse, guilt or shame. He says from a Christian standpoint, he’s on fire for God and that “everyone sins” and says “whomever has not sinned, throw the first stone.” He said he asked forgiveness but he’s like King David who gets to keep his affair partner. I can not reason with him and I continuously pray my pain goes away and that I somehow can forgive and move forward. Despite his rage, anger, depression and abuse, I loved him and I feel stupid I feel that way even still. Especially after how he has betrayed me to my core. I keep telling myself that God has something better for me and that God has brought me out of a terrible marriage and that maybe John and Sue are not as happy as they appear…but I am worried they will have that happy marriage and that it’ll validate his claims that I was the problem (despite me jumping through hoops to please him!). I have read all the “we cheated and found the love of our life” stories online and now I am scared I’ll have to watch them be in love forever. And because he is doing so well financially too …he just seems like the blessed one while I deal with little ones who are sick, wrecked finances and daily fear he’ll have me thrown out of the country. He recently went on a wonderful tropical vacation and posted the happy pics everywhere while I am at home & struggling to pay the bills on a house I will lose. And yes, there are days when I can only cry out to God with “why” and “please help this pain to go away.” I know I did not deserve this but I replay everything wondering if I could have done something different to keep him….It doesn’t matter now though. It’s so awful to be thrown away like trash and so easily replaced.

  59. Thank you for this post. I’m going through it myself. I have two small children, five and ten and my husband of twelve years has left me for a coworker fourteen years his junior (thirteen years mine). It is hard not to feel cliche. The old tired mom being left for the single thirty-something year old coworker. It hurts. But I am determined to survive this and not only survive, THRIVE!

    And look, the victim of an affair isn’t always the victim of the marriage. I thought we were happier than not but it isn’t like I didn’t contribute to our issues or have things that I need to work on before and during any future relationships. We all have issues. Don’t let anybody say, “It is all your fault.” Don’t let them pass that on to you. If they were as upstanding as they are pretending to be, as innocent – they wouldn’t have lied and cheated on you with another woman. Don’t carry that weight. But I believe I shouldn’t be a victim either. I don’t want to play the role of poor poor me, how could he do this to wonderful little me? Life happens. Affairs are as old as marriage itself. I am going to use this opportunity to look at what I contributed to our marriage, where I want to improve and take that with me into a future relationship. I know he is taking his same sad broken self into that relationship with his coworker and she has her own issues if she is willing to be with married men. Obviously commitment isn’t something either one of them respects. But whether they end up happily ever after or break up in two weeks is not my problem. Their relationship is not going to define my happiness. It is what it is. I remember seeing a quote from Nicole Kidman saying her dad said something to the effect, “It is what it is. It’s not what is should have been, not what it could have been but it is what it is.” I like that. I also like this from Eckhart Tolle, I think allowing yourself to grieve and move through it allows for true growth. Don’t give up on yourself ladies!! We will persist!
    “When there is no way out, there is still always a way through. So don’t turn away from the pain. Face it. Feel it fully. Feel it — don’t think about it! Express it if necessary, but don’t create a script in your mind around it. Give all your attention to the feeling, not to the person, event, or situation that seems to have caused it. Don’t let the mind use the pain to create a victim identity for yourself out of it. Feeling sorry for yourself and telling others your story will keep you stuck in suffering. Since it is impossible to get away from the feeling, the only possibility of change is to move into it; otherwise, nothing will shift. So give your complete attention to what you feel, and refrain from mentally labeling it. As you go into the feeling, be intensely alert. At first, it may seem like a dark and terrifying place, and when the urge to turn away from it comes, observe it but don’t act on it. Keep putting your attention on the pain, keep feeling the grief, the fear, the dread, the loneliness, whatever it is. Stay alert, stay present — present with your whole Being, with every cell of your body. As you do so, you are bringing a light into this darkness. This is the flame of your consciousness.”

  60. I find myself writing this in disbelief, heartache and despair. My marriage of 28 years is over and he blames me for everything. He has been seeing a coworker for the past month even though he said he has fought the feelings for awhile. He hasn’t been happy with me for years he said. He said he drinks because of me. I am not attractive anymore. I am the cause of it all…. The logical side of my brain said are you kidding me? My emotional side is writing this to strangers at 3:34 am because I feel like I’m dying. I guess I should start by saying I have 2 adult children, married and 3 little grand babies. The loves of my life and I would do anything to not cause them pain. Today, I know that I am going to by saying that he is leaving for awhile and he had an affair. I worry that they will hate him and also silently hope that they are ticked off as hell. I have been a stay at home mom most of my life with side jobs here and there. I had finally found an area of work I loved and was going to try and make a business out of it. Now I need to find a way to survive. We were in the middle of planning a vacation, now I have no idea how to make it through the next day. My father is 96 and on hospice and lives with my 88 year old Mom. I am their care giver outside the hospice system. There is no way I can tell them without it destroying them. I realize I have been depressed. I am sure this all has contributed to it all for years. He drinks 12 beers on average on the days that he is off, blaming me saying I am the reason why. I have listened to what he has said and acknowledge that I have plenty of problems and mistakes but he won’t yake any ownership. None! He is the one that had the affair, NOT me. I don’t know what to do, or how to go on. Help needed

  61. To Cha your story sounds very similar to mine except we were together for 39 years with four children and 8 grandchildren its been 14 months now and i am still hurting but it is getting better he left me for a lady he met while doing his job as he owns his own business and meets a lot of people going into their homes doing quotes etc he started going healthy and doing bickram/hot yoga someone alerted me to the fact he could be having an affair when i confronted him he denied it and still hasnt admitted it fully to me or the children though he is now taking her to NZ to meet his mother and siblings i am so hurt as it just seems so soon to be doing this we have gone through settlement but not divorce as yet .He totally blamed me for his leaving me told me i changed but never explained how told me i pushed him away but i dont know how i know after 39 years our marriage was a bit stale but i thought we enjoyed each others company and we hardly ever had bad words to each other and i had no idea he was that unhappy we went away together in our motorhome just 3 weeks before he left me after i confronted him i came home after spending a night with my sister to find all his clothes and personal effects gone i have found out a lot in the last 14 months how he has known her for 10 years and has been going to her for massages (she is a masseuse among other things life coach etc ) i am now left on my own to try and work out how i will carry on with life without him around he told me he has moved on and expects to be able to talk to me amicably and like he has done nothing wrong i get very emotional when i see him but i am still very hurt and angry about the deceit and that he didnt talk to me about his feelings ..I am now trying to look forward and start a new life i will be financially ok and my children have been very supportive .Cha you said all is lost at the end of your post but no its not we have to pick up the pieces and move on like they have at this stage i feel i cant forgive him but i maybe one day i will but i know i am feeling better everyday and sometimes i think im glad hes gone now .. i hope things work out for you Cheers

  62. My husband of 18 years asked me for a separation/divorce the day before our 18th anniversary so he could be with another woman, in which he claims was always his first love. I already had twins, 1 years old, when we got married and now they’re in college. This was supposed to be our time together, to recreate our love and do fun things we never got to do, now that our kids were grown. But as I found out, he claimed he never felt like I was the center of his life. After three years living apart, for work purposes, but still seeing each other of course, he says we grew apart. Within the last few months he reconnected with this old flame and lied to her by saying he and I were separated for three years. During this time I had no idea what was going on, unaware he was unhappy or had reservations. I even made plans to quit my job and move to his location to be with him. Of course she’s going through a divorce and he was her savior. I found out about the old flame accidentally, and he eventually told me half truths about her, but we planned on working on our marriage. He came home for his birthday recently and we had 2 wonderful weeks of love, intimacy and looking at apartments that we could move into since his lease was almost up. Only to find out he went to go see her the day before he left to go back to his other locations/job (she was staying with her mom who lives about 2 hours from me during her divorce). She conveniently had just gotten a job ~30 min from where he lives and was back in that state for a few days before her big move. He lied and went out with her again and after calling him several times that evening, his phone picked up by accident and I could hear them together talking about me during their date. He lied and said I knew they were together and I didn’t really care. I was devastated!! I called and texted again until about 2 am. He finally picked up, said we should see other ppl and separate. After a lot of tears, yelling, anger and almost flying to his location to confront the lady who probably now lives with him, he’s bought her a huge engagement ring and I’m seeing a lawyer to file the paperwork for divorce. We never went to marriage counselor and he never really tried to work on our marriage. I feel like his 2 weeks with me was like a fling, because he had already purposed in his mind to be with her. I still love him, but I’m also filled with so much anger and heartbreak. I struggle against finding ways to hurt them as badly as they’ve hurt me. My two grown kids don’t know yet, but I’m extremely worried since they both struggle with anxiety. They’re worried that the ppl they love most will leave them due to certain recent events in their lives. He’s the only father they’ve ever known and now he’s leaving for another woman and wants to have his own child with her. I pray every day that I can forgive and start to feel better, but my pain is so deep that I feel like someone is constantly cutting my heart in little pieces. He’s living it up with his fiancée, while I’m in constant pain. Mind you after 18 years, he now has his dream job and makes a lot of money, lost some weight and finally felt good enough about himself to leave me. One of his excuses for staying with me all these years was bcuz everyone always told him I was a great catch, so he settled for good enough. Now that his confidence had built up, he left me. Funny thing is I never saw it that way. We both had issues, but we helped each other heal throughout the marriage which I thought brought us closer together. The years apart didn’t help, but according to him he always felt a certain kind of way, but never communicated with me, which he admits was his fault since He didn’t want to rock the boat. But if he had at least spoken up about his feelings, I believe we’d still be together today. At least he would’ve known that he was always the center of my life and there was no one else I’d rather be with. Now all is lost!

  63. Maureen
    I am 69 years old and it is seven months since my husband left me for someone else. We have been together for 19 years and because he has Aspergers syndrome he has been difficult to live with. I have to admit that we had not been intimate for a couple of years but to understand this you have to understand the condition. He is very intellectual and just after Christmas he told me he was leaving me to pursue a relationship with this younger woman who he has had dealings with for the last year and is also his intellectual equal. Although I wasn’t happy in our relationship he was my husband and I was willing to work it out. He wouldn’t even try. I find it still hurts me as I am trying to get him out of my system. I do believe I will be better off without him as being with someone like that is quite draining emotionally but it will take time. I do all the things recommended exercise, catching up with friends I even had counselling which I no longer do but there are times when I think I still need it. I live in a small town and he lives just around the corner from me and his girlfriend lives a bit further from him. I am not sure they will live together as she labels herself as “resolutely single”. Whatever that means. Perhaps it just means I am single because I can’t get anyone else. That is the bi**hy side of me coming out. It is hard not to think about them together but I am trying to change that. I appreciate all the comments from all these ladies and feel for them as well. I know that I will be okay and so will they. It doesn’t seem like that in the early stages but we will all come out of this much stronger and good things will be in our future. We mustn’t let these dirt bags ruin our lives because they really are ruining their own even though they don’t know that yet.

  64. My boyfriend of six yrs left me for a woman he just had met in a game and she’s living very far so he rarely have seen her. I though we were happy together with our five yr old daughter who he loves so much. But just like that he left me for her. He had lots of plans for the future and I though we were getting married this year. He barely knew her but he said she’s better than me and that he loves her now. I read all their Facebook messages and I was shocked that they’re going to build a family together, everything is happening so fast! All our family and friends still can’t believe this is happening because they thought we were okay (and I though so too), he’s still denying about having a serious relationship with this girl to everyone including his parents, in fact he can’t even tell his dad. He’s not even telling his friends and if I didn’t find out in Facebook he even would have fooled me.
    I don’t know what’s wrong with his mind, he even boast that the girl knew about his kids and me but she accepted everything. A decent woman wouldn’t even dare enter a relationship with a guy with a family. I’m so angry but I need to forgive and forget.

  65. My boyfriend of 7 years left me for another woman. We had just moved into a new house together, which I paid half for. 2 weeks later, he told me and my 5 year old daughter to leave. He moved a new woman in the house a week after that. I feel broken, alone and hurt. I didn’t know people could be so cruel in this life.

  66. Isabella look up steps to wellbeing you can refer yourself online, it does take time but they offer counselling I went to dr and they offered no help, but this provides a counsellor free, also relate they deal with us broken ones too it’s not just for couples although they do charge it’s not as expensive as private . I am so sorry for you and know it’s hard being strong you do need someone to talk to happy to text etc if that helps I am in the UK and although my issues are from a much shorter relationship I have and am there

  67. My husband left me after 23 years of marriage and a beautiful 21 year old daughter.
    I am devastated….. he has left me for a woman half my age and they seem blissfully happy building a new life together while I am left in pieces.
    I am trying to get some counselling but cannot afford it right now.
    My children have been hugely supportive but I find now I am keeping a brave face and not really letting them see how sad I really feel.
    I live in the UK …. can anyone give me an idea if there are any support groups I could attend?
    I just want to feel normal again if that is at all possible…

  68. My husband left me for a younger woman and I cannot let go. I’m so hurt and bitter and I still pray he will come home.

  69. I feel like I am dying! There is no true description of the feeling!!
    There is so much to the story, and I have lived in my mind over and over so much, that it isn’t even in me to type it all out, to explain it to you!
    I just know, that I miss him so bad! I see now the wrongs I did, in our relationship!
    Never an affair or even a thought of one, but the fact that I didn’t show him the appreciation he deserved!
    But then again….I filled his plate, I peeled his baked potatoes, salt, peppered and buttered it……carried him his drink, plate, napkin, and fork….to wherever he may have been sitting! He never had to get out of his recliner! The only thing I didn’t do, was go to the bathroom for him, and that was only because I couldn’t!
    Why why why was I not enough?
    I can not imagine another body in my bed…another body in the blasted recliner, another set of arms around me……. and he is actually on his second woman in the last 6 months!!!
    Why? Why? What? What? How? How?
    I do not know how to come out of this hole I am in!!!!!!
    I still long for him, and would seriously think about taking him back, if he asked to come home!!
    But the truth is…he seems to be having the time of his life!
    He has left me financially impaired! I had to scramble our dogs some eggs….because o dont have the money to buy food for them!
    I had to count the change in my car, to have enough money to get myself a half a pound of bologna!!!
    WHY….do I even allow the thought of this man…enter my mind? Let alone cause me to cry every other minute of EVERY DAY??
    Thanks for listening!!
    I sure wish you had the miracle cure!!!

  70. I was married for 13 years. My marriage has been deteriorating for some time so it was bound to unravel. I was his loyal, faithful supportive and trusting Wife. He had an additional wild side that went out of control. The last incident is when I found out that he was having an affair 2 weeks before our 14th wedding anniversary. Out of the blue my husband just sprung the divorce talk on me. I was so hurt and being an independent woman, I thought I could cope with being single. It was so hard to move on so i had to reach out for help. Our marriage therapist thought that “something” was not right about my husband.

  71. My husband recently left me for another woman. We have 3 beautiful children together. He has emotionally drug me around for the last two years promising me he would return home, but every night he never shows, every phone call to him goes unanswered when I want him next to me, how can I still love and want him after this long affair. Why won’t he leave her and come back to me. How do I let go. I don’t want to feel this anymore.

  72. Hi
    About 3 months ago I found out my husband of 8 years was sleeping with his 20 year younger secretary. I have been in shock since. When I found out I packed his bags and he has not been welcome on out house since. We have two young girls, 6 and 5 years old. The first week after I found out he was a total wreck begging me to forgive him saying he didn’t know why he did what he did. But now 3 months later he is living with the other woman. He sees his children as much as he can but they stay all together in HER house. According to our children he sleeps with them in their room or on the sofa whilst they are there. He supports me financially 100%. Except for one very weak moment of mine I have kept total No Contact with him. I only answer text messages about the children, never phone calls. I am heartbroken! I miss him so much. We had a whirlwind romance where he proposed after 3 days. Everyone all his friends and his family said I was the best thing that ever happened to him and everyone is in total disbelief of what he has done. During my moment of weakness he said he loves me and always will But is no longer in love with me. He fell in love with this younger woman. 3 days ago he told our daughters that he was wanted to be mums best friend. What kind of thing is that to tell your children when you have just left the house where he lives with his new girlfriend. I am trying to keep my children safe in this knowing that both mummy and daddy loves them. But they are so confused and don’t understand. I also struggle with not saying anything bad about the other woman who slept with my husband behind my back for months. I have lost 30 pounds and struggle to sleep. There are good days when I think I will be OK and then there are days when I cry over nothing. He has not filed for divorce and most of his things are still at our house but I know he is not coming back. How do I move on?

    1. I can relate. It seems as though my husband flipped a switch and became someone else. He said how much he loves me, but still went with the younger other women. His whole family is in disbelief, it was totally out of character for him, and they all say I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I struggle, but somedays are better than others now. It has been three months since I found out, and one month since he verbally admitted that he did not want to work things out with me. I had also kicked him out immediately. This is what I have been doing to work towards healing. Mind you I don’t want to merely heal, I want to thrive! Every time I have an emotion I let myself feel it. I don’t stuff it, I don’t try to make the pain go away I just let it wash over me. I don’t want that energy to get stuck in my heart and come out later at a bad time. Now is the bad time, so I might as well deal with it now. I imagine that my heart is broken wide open (which it is) and I let it be broken. I am not trying to heal it. I found out that when my heart was broken open, a whole lot of love came out. It has to go somewhere. It used to go to him, but I have to redirect it now. It’s in there and we shouldn’t block it just because we aren’t giving it to who we thought we were going to. I give more to myself now. I just imagine it as a never ending river and it is all flowing out of my heart, some to me, some to my kids, and some just out to who knows where, just out, with no limit to how much there is. Keeping my heart open means I won’t close it off to myself, or close it up with yucky stuff trapped inside. Secondly, everytime my mind starts going over all the lies, all the possible what if’s and different outcomes, I literally say to myself, yes those were and are all possibilities, but they are not what is happening at this moment, so I don’t need to use my energy on them right now. All our energy should be for ourselves and for our kids and building our new life. The fact is, you have now outgrown him emotionally. Just the fact that he thinks he can be best friends with you right now shows how detached he is from his actions and their consequences, and his selfishness. He is an emotional 2 on a scale of 1-10. You have outgrown him, and you will continue to do so. Go for it! Take the opportunity, keep growing, the more you grow and keep your heart open, the more life will give you. I am right there with you! We are going to become emotional 10’s and live beautiful lives because of it. This is what life gave us, let’s take it and do more for us than we ever imagined we could. Everyday I am going to feel pain, and everyday I will let it flood me if it needs to, and everyday I will be thankful that I am high enough on the emotional scale to actually care about myself enough to feel the pain and not hide, stuff, or resist. The pain sucks, but it is way better than what the alternative. I also found the BEST website/blog ever. It is called Post Male Syndrome. Talk about putting things in perspective. Seriously, check it out. Everything from how to get over him, to self esteem to many fantastic bits to put in your toolbox to count. Ok, hopefully something I am doing will help you too. If there is anything you are doing that has been working please share!

      1. Katherine, you’re words are so true and reading them just reinforces what I have to do. Thank you and I hope all goes well for you sweetheart xxx

      2. Thank You for your words! They are indeed very true. He is completely detached from me and what he has done. All he used to give to me now goes to this other much younger woman. I am still so angry and feel so betrayed. Whilst he feels nothing.
        I am doing my best to move on. I have had my lawyer start writing up the divorce papers. I am trying to fix up the house ready to sell so I can get a place that is mine and not ours.
        I will be OK.
        I will give all my love and energy to my children.
        My house will be filled with love and laugh whilst he will miss out on the largest parts of his children’s childhood.
        I wish you all the best too on this journey we did not want to take but maybe it will take us places we never knew excised.

  73. I am 64yo. My husband and I were together 12 years. He is 57. When we met it was like one of those hollywood moments. He was besotted with me and wanted to live with me and marry me within a short time. I felt So comfortable with him and believed I had met my life long partner.. He always swore he would never ever hurt me. He rang me one day from work and said he was leaving, then he wouldn’t talk to me about it again. I was in total shock for the first 6 weeks. I lost so much weight. That was 5 months ago. He has happily moved on with his new woman as if I never existed. To top it off I have to work full time again to pay him out of my house. I spend every night and parts of the day thinking about them and I am still in disbelief. I try to keep busy and plan things for myself but my mind keeps drifting back to ‘them’. I just want to spend a day, a week, when I don’t feel pain and grief and I can not think about them anymore. I know this may take years and that makes me feel so so sick. I don’t think I will ever get that trust back again at my age. If this can happen when I thought we had a perfect marriage, then that’s it for me.

    1. My heart is breaking for you, I know that feeling only too well, it happened to me too. I was married (happily) I thought,for 27 years, then I found out my husband was having an affair,,,, totally devastating, it broke my heart because he didn’t confront me, didn’t tell me he was unhappy, just did the complete dirty on me and my children, didn’t have the guts, just had a sordid affair, that was bad enough, but to add to my devastation, I found out that he had drained our bank account, stolen personal stuff, lies, etc, you name it,,, 😪, lied to my children, awful!! Devestating!,,, time is the biggest healer, it truly is , take time to mend your broken heart, ,,, then get tough! Be strong, fight for your self, don’t let him beat you down, you are a great strong person, don’t let him beat you,,, he is the biggest loser, believe me xxxx

  74. How to make the pain stop after a break up? Can’t eat or sleep, I feel depressed. How can I make myself feel better and sleep better?

    1. I am here to tell you that 2 months ago I wrote that post on here about my broken heart. I am SO happy. Trust me when I say you will be so grateful for the second chance. For the first month I couldn’t even sleep in our old bed. I took sleeping pills which only allowed me to sleep for a total of 2-3 hours. I lost so much weight from not being able to sleep and stress. I was crying and anxious all the time. It gets better. So much better. Reach out to me anytime. I promise you in 2 months time you’ll be happier.

      1. Thank you Melissa for your encouragement. It’s been 5 months for me and it’s worse than ever. I’m going to see a psychologist because I’m actually feeling so low I don’t think it’s right. I KNOW I will move on eventually. When he left me I was absolutely gutted because I knew there was going to be at least a year of grief. I don’t care what anyone says. It’s worse than a death.

        1. Kathleen I totally agree I felt I was healing it’s been 6 weeks the last two weeks I can hardly get off the carpet constantly crying and breakdown considering if o even want to carry on, where does this come from surely things should get easier not harder nothing helps and really don’t want to go on anti depressants I wish I could just rub myself away with a big eraser

          1. Amanda, it’s really horrible the feelings we have to go through. I’m expecting it will be another year before I can feel a bit like the old me again. I feel for you too. I have been going through our property settlement. I owned everything and he was in debt when I met him. And yet I still have to pay him out of the house. He really doesn’t care about the position he has left me in and has happily moved on with his woman. I cry every day and night still. My family are the only ones keeping me together. Try to think of something to look forward to each day and look in the mirror every morning and night and tell yourself how much you love YOU 😍

        2. Kathleen you are so brave and strong well done you have got this and your family is so lucky to have you. Self love is a hard one though isn’t it especially when you know they could get you back in a second if they ever wanted to, but they don’t. I am struggling with learning to love myself when no one else seems to be able to, i know I have read everything that loving yourself is all you need and no one else to validate that but no not when you have gone 3 days without speaking to another person, but I will be back at work soon and that’s where I hope to find myself bury myself in work
          I hope you manage to keep as much of your money as possible not fair that he should get anything but it’s only money and who cares about money as long as your happy xxx

    2. Hi Cassandra,
      Get a therapist, get on anti depressants to bear some of the brunt of the pain, meditation, breathing exercises, a support group of friends and family that are solely in your court, lots and lots of hugs, exercise, punching bags are awesome, positive mantra to say in your head to get THEM out of there, join a Private Facebook page with others going through the same thing, I love my group. I lost 40 lbs during my split. Everything I tried to put in my mouth I would gag. I would sleep but wake in the middle of the night thinking about THEM. The antidepressants helped with the sleeping. I just couldn’t function without them in the early stages. Uggggh, it’s horrible horrible. Try some or all of these. Do things you love. Avoid any triggers. Stay off social media to find out things you don’t need to know. It will only hurt you more. Tell friends and family that’s you don’t want to know anything if they hear something. Again, it will only hurt more. Go no contact with HIM. Begging and trying to get answers does NOT work in your favor because you won’t get any satisfying answers so don’t try. Again, it will only hurt more. I am sorry for the pain you feel. Been there and it’s horrific. It does get better, I promise but it’s a grueling process. Get your support group together as soon as possible. You can’t do it by yourself. Good luck😢

        1. I love the girls on my Facebook private site. Alyx Carpenter is the administrator and one of us. She has to accept you in the Wonder Women facebook page. Yes, these women are Wonder Women. Love them all and you will too. Just friend request Alyx.

          1. Thank you Lisa, I cannot seem to find the group, there are several using the same group name… darn. Do you happen to know the URL?

          2. Hi Heather. You need to send Alyx a friend request. It is a secret group and she is the only admin. She will then add you to the group 🙂

  75. Well ladies I have been on both sides of this situation. I met my soon to be ex husband at work. We became close, he told me his marriage was over. We started seeing each other. He was still living with his wife, but nothing was going on between them. He finally divorced her, but they still lived in the same residence for a year after that. He had bought me a ring ask me to marry him. I love him so of course I said yes. I fought to have him with me we broke up several times. Ex wife finally moved and we had a start. Wrong. He was never completely invested with me. He became emotionally and physically abusive. Everything was my fault. And some things were my fault. I couldn’t understand why things were this way. Living together he would get upset pack up and leave for days sometimes weeks. Then it was he was wrong and sorry, he needed me. Then I found out he has been seeing the mother of his first child (never were married) for about 6 months. I still married him this past September. We have split up several times, each time he goes and stays with her. He insisted on divorce in April, we filed papers. Now he says he doesn’t want it he loves me. This has all been hard on me. I was the other woman, now I am the wife and there is another woman. Karma does come back. I thought his marriage was over when I got involved, and he has told the other woman now the same thing. It hurts, I’m upset, down on myself. But I am going to get a divorce. Because I have realized that he has an issue with commitment, not only with me but most women. I am his 5th wife. I pray daily for him and myself. God sometimes let’s us have trials to learn from them and to grow. It isn’t fun, but it happens. Life is precious be thankful for it. Live to the best of ur ability. And also I have apologized to the wife he was married to when I met him. She has forgiven me and I’m thankful for that. Know that u can’t control them and their actions, just your own. Prayers for everyone and their situation.

  76. My now ex husband of 16 years left me for another woman. One moment we are talking about a family vacation to Disney with our son and the next moment I am being served divorce papers. We never finished our family and I never got to have more children which I had always dreamed of . He however, divorced me, got married and had two children all in two years!! From that point forward me and our son no longer existed. It’s been 4 years and I am still not able to get over it. l can not get over all that has happened and all that I lost. And this other women stole my life. They even moved to the area when planned on moving. When I see their perfect family photos with mom, dad, one little boy and one little girl. (Our son NOT included) the pain is unbearable. Will I ever be ok?

    1. Christine, I was touched by your story. My husband left 6 months ago for a woman he’d known 3 months! We have 3 children and were together 23 years.
      The first 2 months were unbearable but I’m getting much stronger. The hardest part has been trying to get my head around being treated like I don’t exist.
      You will get over this, you have to start looking at the situation from a different viewpoint. Yes it feels like this other woman stole your life but what in fact happened was, she gained a cheat in hers. It may appear that they have the perfect life, but with 2 young children, life will be tough for them. It won’t all be a bed of roses.
      He has set you free to live yours. These men who can move on so quick are really just filling one gap, immediately with another. Many men are useless on their own, which is why they normally have another woman lined up before they leave. Your son will be very lucky to have you instead of a disappointing role model and in time you may be able to finish your family with someone who truly loves you and wants to invest in you and not himself. It’s very hard not to sit and think about what they’re doing, but when you do, bring the focus right back to you and think about what you’re doing that day/week etc.
      It seems there’s no justice in this world for men who cheat, but I also believe in karma. One day, he will feel the guilt of what he’s done. Just be positive and be grateful that you don’t have a cheat in your life. After all, that’s something she now has to worry about! Good luck x

    2. Christine,

      how I understand your pain. My now ex husband of 20 years served me too with divorce papers and has forgotten me and our beautiful son totally. Please keep in mind that it has nothing to do with you. It’s absolutely not because you were not good enough, fun enough or gor what ever reasons you may think. When a husband betrays his wife, he loses him self. All the goodness and light in him turns off…,,,it fades away….. Please be aware that once a person comits adultery, everything that he was is gone! The person that your ex husband now is, is NOT the same person he was before he comitted adultery. I felt so hurt and desperate because I could not believe what a person I had in front of me, hurting me and our son so much with such selfishness….. I really thought he was an allien! I searched my husband like crazy…… thought, my goodness this stranger is a copy of my husband , my real husband got kidnapped! I finally got my peace when I realised that evilness got completely hold of his heart. It had nothing to do with me. He may be happy for a MEANTIME but one day reality will really hit him hard. Do you think it is love between your ex husband and his now second wife? Not at all! Love is honest and it is kind, not hurtig and NEVER betrays. True love is never built on betrayal and lies! He is now married to a woman who helped him betray his family! Please Christine, understand this, their happiness“ is an illusion and based on lies, betrayal and selfishness!!!!! Love is not selfishness! I still feel angry and sad but I am not hurting anymore because I lean my self in Gods grace and pray always for his amazing grace. Christine, YES, the hurting will fade away. Then sadness comes in BUT a new and amazing strong woman is born! You are a beautiful strong and honest mother! You had the best part of your ex husband……… not her! The other woman helped to destroy a family! Do you envy her???? Do you envy a woman who lost completely her self esteem by marrying a betrayer and a liar?????? Your ex husband also lost all that is good in him by leaving a faithful wife for a woman that has no morality at all! The moment your ex husband betrayed his family is the moment he died. He killed the man with honesty, goodness and true love…..He destroyed him self. What now is left is another man, a stranger……..Leave this stranger. You have every right to grieve but don’t lose one more tear for such heartlessness! He is not worth it! This stranger is not good anymore……Look forward to a new life for you and your son. Take this as a chance to grow stronger, more beautiful and be proud of who you are! Not a cheater, not a liar, but a person with a true heart filled with warmth and love! My prayers go out to you!

  77. We were married for 8years now, he left me for her. I’m 32 years old with 2kids. I’m still struggling to accept the truth, I keep on calling and texting him, begging and hoping things will be ok. I’ll call him and ask him to forgive me that maybe I wasn’t woman enough that is why he cheated, you know most of the time he doesn’t answer my calls or even respond to my messages. The sad thing is that when he got that job out of town our plan was that he will work few months there then we move there and go start a new life that side as things were not going right for us here, but in just 2months he got that job he was already cheating on me, He started working there in September 2018 and I went to visit him on the 09 November 2018, 10 November that Saturday I found out that he has a girlfriend, my husband only apologized like someone who broke a glass like its not a big deal, then when I was about to forgive him for the sake of our marriage even though he apologised like he doesn’t care if I live him or not, he told me that he have 2kids out of our marriage that he made while I was still his wife with 2different woman, 2014 and 2015 when those ladies told me they are pregnant he denied being the father, that its not his. And I believed him coz he can be really convincing. I can say he has been cheating on me since we got married he just was respectful and he can apologize, so I’ll always forgive him and we move on with our lifes. But what now he turned into something I don’t know, he is totally different, he uses every bad word he can to hurt me. Is like he doesn’t really care what his words are doing to me. Since November he treat me like trash, he even blame me that he has been hiding his kids because of me, because he didn’t want to lose me. And then he told me that he loves the other woman and he won’t leave her, that she is DIFFERENT. Till today believe me when I say I’m still begging him, I don’t know how to let go, I’m really trying, and he treats me bad but I’m still after him, I love him, I know that I’m a fool or that’s how people see me but I can’t help it, I really love him. I need help as I’m struggling from high blood and short breath due to this things that are happening. I really don’t know what to do or how to deal with this. I’m sure he is so proud that I cry for him and making a fool of myself. Im just so broken. All I do is crying and praying for him to come back, at all times I wanna be alone in the house, closed doors and don’t even open the curtains, I just wanna sit in the dark just to cry and pray.

  78. Ladies, ladies, ladies.

    I know how you feel when your husband says he wants out of the marriage (usually to marry another woman), you can’t believe it’s happening, you’re in shock, your stunned, miserable, incredulous and wondering “What am I supposed to do now?” It’s as though your life is over. But it’s not; you’re just going to start over with another life. And you will survive.

    Here was my situation: married 26 years, four children, three (at the time) grandchildren, was a stay-at-home mom for years, went back to college as soon as my youngest entered kindergarten, took years to get a degree because my husband’s job required that we move every 2-3 years. I also started working again after many years. I didn’t have a career; I had jobs, usually in food service. Graduated with a B.A. in History (totally useless, a big regret) and ended up living in a small, rural community in the middle of nowhere by 2006. All of my children had married by this point. That autumn my husband of 26 years (I’ll call him Chad) informs me that he wants to marry a woman (21 years younger than him) who had been a house-guest of ours that summer (I’ll call her Amy). We were having martial troubles but I never expected this–and I’d been good friends with Amy. Chad had a good job & was willing to walk away from everything–me, children, grandchildren, his profession–just to be with her. Classic mid-life crisis. I was in shock. We’d let our problems go unresolved for too long and now this. The next day he apologized, said he was crazy, that he really loved me & he was going to stay in the marriage & try to work things out. I was more than happy to start all over again. He called Amy & told her that he decided to stay with me. She cried & said she knew he would. I wish I could say that Chad & I worked hard to repair a damaged marriage & remained married. That didn’t happen.

    He stayed in the marriage legally & physically, but that’s it. From that point on he wouldn’t even kiss me, kept calling his out-of-state girlfriend, speaking to her practically all day while he was at work, for HOURS at a time. He was a manager & not even doing his job, running up long-distance phone bills. He was treating me horribly, yelling & losing his temper at the most trivial things, I was scared to even initiate a conversation w/him because I was afraid he’d find a reason to blow up at me–which I realize now was guilt on his part, taking things out on me. He knew what he was doing was wrong but it’s as though he couldn’t stop. There was an emotional connection to this girl that he never had with me. I suspected Chad was still communicating with Amy but never confronted him directly. He knew I thought he had stopped the phone calls, emails & text messages. He let me believe what I wanted to believe.

    To make a long story short, we filed for divorce right before X-mas. I never wanted out & never said, “I don’t love you anymore,” but I couldn’t compete. His heart was with someone else. I didn’t hire a lawyer although my parents offered because we had so few assets that I didn’t see the point. When we filed the paperwork I noticed it was quite lengthy & wondered how he had the time to fill it out so quickly. Answer: he had filled it out months ago. I got alimony for 5 years and 50% of his VA pension.

    Living in that small rural community (where my friends helped me get through the most horrendous period of my life) was not where I needed to be as a middle-aged, now-single woman, so nine months after the divorce I moved thousands of miles away back to my hometown where my folks still lived. My three youngest remained behind as they had already married & had families of their own. They understood why I was moving away & didn’t blame me.

    Life didn’t get any easier once I relocated even though I thought it would. You can’t escape problems by changing your zip code. I somehow managed, had to get out of food service due to physical problems, got a job on an office, my parents helped out, I’m making ends meet. Hard to believe that the last year I was married, we earned almost $100,000 together. A few years later I was on food stamps because my income had dropped so much.

    It’s been 13 years since my divorce & never thought I’d see the day when I wouldn’t be hurting any more. Well, I still hurt a little, that’s normal, but I’ve made a new life for myself. The whole experience was like being gutted; I survived but the scars are there. Chad & Amy married a month after the divorce and, believe it or not, is STILL married to her, still living in the same area (more or less), haven’t seen him since. Sadly, our family has paid a price. Our children still hold a grudge against him and can’t stand Amy, their stepmother (for a few of our children that’s putting it mildly). They live 20 miles away & hardly see him, he hasn’t hardly seen the grandchildren (now up to 8). They fly in to see me whenever time/finances permit. I’ve probably seen our children more times since the divorce than Chad has. Life hasn’t been easy for him; he eventually quit his job, then took another job & was fired, took another low-paying job, now he works out of his house. His wife has struggled with breast cancer. His father & sister passed away. Our oldest (who moved out of state in 2001) has seen her father only once since 2004. He never has made an attempt to try & visit her. He got what he wanted–Amy–but it came at the expense of his family. I doubt things will ever be the same.

    In any case, I learned a few lessons from this whole miserable ordeal. It was the only way I could learn them & I’m passing them down to anyone who cares to take the time and read them:

    1. If your spouse wants a divorce & you don’t there isn’t much you can do about it. If he refuses to change his mind, let him go.
    2. You’re going to be very emotional throughout all this and not thinking clearly. Please don’t let your emotions get the better of you. Think things through, otherwise you might do/say things that you’ll regret later.
    3. Every state has different laws when it comes to divorce. Go online and found out the laws in your state. Be prepared.
    4. I regret not hiring an attorney, didn’t see the need for one. Maybe you don’t want one or need one but check to find out if it would be in your best interest.
    5. I get half of Chad’s military pension, but I had to apply for it as part of the divorce settlement. If it’s not in the divorce agreement, I don’t think you can get it after the divorce is final. I’ve heard that some ex-wives have been turned down by the courts for asking, but I personally have never known that to happen.
    6. If I outlive Chad, I lose my half of his VA pension–and I desperately need that monthly check. That never occurred to me at the time. I really regret–and perhaps a lawyer might have suggested it had I hired one–not telling Chad to take out a term life insurance policy with me as the beneficiary, payable upon his death should he pass away before me as part of our divorce agreement. I’m told I can get some of his social security, though. Haven’t really check into it.
    7. Learn a marketable skill. I was in food service but couldn’t really support myself on it. I still don’t have a career; I have a job. If I could do it over I’d go to a technical school and become a CNA or something. The health field is wide open & the money is good.
    8. KNOW WHERE YOU STAND FINANCIALLY. This was one of my biggest mistakes, totally my own fault. We weren’t very good at budgeting money & by the last year of our marriage we were sitting pretty good. I had no interest in bills beyond putting pretty stamps on the return envelopes. I never even looked at the bills; Chad handled everything. He knew I never looked at the bills, so he wasn’t worried calling his girlfriend on his cell phone (not our landline). I often wonder what he would have done if he had known I scrutinized the bills every month (especially the phone bill). He couldn’t have gotten away with as much. Know how much you have in the bank, what you income is, who you owe & how much. This is going to be a big part of your divorce. Being in the dark about your financial situation can really hurt you.
    9. If you think counseling will help, do it. We went to a marriage counselor (100 miles away) but it was too late; Chad had already made up his mind & it was a waste of our time. I regret not going to a counselor years before. It just might have helped (couldn’t have hurt).
    10. Fortunately, I had a lot of good friends around who were in total sympathy with me. It was very therapeutic for me to talk with them about what was going on in my life, they knew I needed that as a sort of therapy. All I needed were listening ears. If you know someone going through the same thing, be a listening ear for them.
    11. Try not to badmouth your ex in front of your children no matter how you feel, it won’t do any good. It was hard for me not to do that but I learned. Our kids were in their 20s when we divorced, and to this day they still hurt. Kids always end up hurting the worst (I think) and ours were no exception, no matter the age.
    12. Be patient. You can’t rush things. You believe that all this emotional pain & turmoil you’re experiencing will last forever. It won’t. The pain gradually lessens but it takes time.
    13. Last, but not least, happiness is a choice. I learned this lesson very clearly right after Chad told me he wanted out, then pretended to reconcile with me. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I was crying all the time. I felt like a dark cloud was over my head that would never leave. Sometimes I felt like the walking dead, like a zombie–I was hurting that much. One day I said to myself, “When will I be happy again?” and the answer came right away: “When you want to be.” From that moment on I realized that even though I was going through an absolutely miserable situation that was out of my control, I could still put a smile on my face.

    Fast-forward to 2019. I am now 60 years old, I now have 8 grandkids, my children stay in regular touch with me, I struggle with poor health (osteoarthritis in my knees & back, already had a knee replaced a year ago), I swim most mornings & try to do yoga (can no longer walk very far), I have a receptionist job that doesn’t pay well but I love it & have good benefits. My 10-year-old car is paid for. I’ll never be able to afford another car but so what? I have good friends who I can count on. My poor mother has lung cancer and won’t survive the year, but I’m glad I can be near her. My oldest child is flying in this week to spend some time with me and to see her grandma (my kids adore my parents and have been scraping money to fly out & see her this year). Life is good and I’m happy.


    1. Wendy, thank you for sharing your story. I wish that all this pain and heartbreak never happened to you. I am so encouraged by your words of wisdom and am taking them to heart. It is hard for me to “choose” to be happy. When I try to be happy, everything around me reminds me of what I lost. I feel that if I try to move on and forget the pain, I am doing a disservice to myself. But I really do want to be happy. I wish all of this never happened.

  79. I stumbled on this after having one of the worse days I’ve had since my separation. I truly felt like I couldn’t breath and feel like I’m not sure how I’m going to make it through all of this. I am 40 years old and I found out at the end of November 2018 that my Husband of just one year (5 years together total) had been having an affair with his married coworker for many months and to top it off we had just had a our first child two months prior. We started dating In 2013 and relocated to a new state in 2015 for his job. I uprooted my entire life for him to support him and moved away from all our family and friends. However, We had a wonderful happy relationship and I loved and trusted him so completely that the thought of him cheating was laughable to me. But he did. I found out the first time because her husband found their messages on a hidden application on her phone and contacted me letting me know. So I confronted my husband and he seemed genuinely terrified to lose me and our daughter. So we agreed to work on it and celebrated Christmas as a family traveling back to our home state for the holiday and everything seemed like we were really connecting as a family. He was even telling our families that he was ready to transfer his job back and get us home with our support system and we returned to our state and put our house up for sale. I truly thought he was serious but as time went on things started to fall apart. He started to distance himself and speak to me in a way I didn’t even recognize him. He honestly turned into another person all together but continued to say he was jot speaking to her, that she was working on her marriage as well and that this was just who he is now. We continued to go to counseling (he was lying the whole time so it was useless) and in February I found out that he has not stopped talking to her at al after we sold our home and moved into an apartment thinking we were going to move back to our home state soon. I continued to fight for my marriage and he said he had truly discontinued any interaction with her even with work stuff and for a few weeks he seemed to truly meet it. The at the end of March he finally told me that he has never stopped being with her, that they have planned on divorcing both me and her husband and that he does not feel anything for me anymore, and should have never married me. I found out that that had been seeing each other since 3 months after our marriage and 2 months into my pregnancy. He told me that he loves her, she is the only one that makes him feel alive, and she fulfills what he needs out of life. We filed for legal separation in April and he signed over everything to me including full custodial custody of our daughter giving me permission to return back to our home state as my job(I had been working remotely), all our family and friends where there and for me to stay in This other state would have been mentally exhausting for me to have no help or support. So we signed on May 2nd and he rubbed our daughters head and walked out of the apartment knowing I was leaving in a week and never returned. I have officially been moved a week and a half as I write this post. He has only contacted to tie up a few loose ends, he will be cordial and say he hopes things are going well, but will never actually ask about what’s happening with me or most importantly his child. I had fooled myself into thinking that once we were all gone (me, our daughter, dog and cat) and he was fully alone that he would feel some sort of sadness or remorse but I was very wrong. He is becoming friends with all of her friends has found a new place to live in the water and has told me that he still feels nothing about any of this and has no drive to ever correct this. I am just so at a loss as to how I could be so disposable to him, we did not have many issues, we loved a comfortable life. I always termed to have more passion and romance but it just seem to go to the wayside and now he is doing all that with her and is in love. But even more heartbreaking is the fact that he has said he has no plans to move back and will be staying there indefinitely. So now my beautiful baby girl is not only going to be a child of divorce (something that was very important to me to never do to a child) but will never fully have her father involved and I am now her only care giver. I am also a women of faith and that does bring me comfort but right now It’s just all so overwhelming and feels like I can’t wrap my head around any of it and the pain and fear of what this life is going to look like seems unclimbable right now. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

    1. Dear Melissa, my heart goes out to you and I know exactly how you’re feeling. I was married for 27 years, I loved and completely trusted my husband, and I found out he was having an affair. I could not and would not ever take him back, I have recently divorced him. He moved straight in with her, I found out how devious and sly he really was, as it all unravelled!! He stole, lied , cheated, plotted against me and my children, turning into someone I barely recognise. It was awful, heartbreaking, ,,, . Now , 17 months later, I am divorced, I fought hard to keep our home, I kept my friends, family, dignity, and have become a new independent woman, I still have my moments of sadness and anger but it gets less and less day by day. Take one day at a time, hold your head up high, be strong. Let the two losers have each other, they will never be happy because they are both cheats, they will never trust each other, that is my karma, keep strong, thinking of you x

    2. Dear Melissa,

      Your story really resonates with me except that I do not have a child, and I am so sorry to read your story because going through this with a child as well must be just awful.

      My husband left me in February, we had been married less than a year and like you, I thought we had a great relationship with few issues. I had sensed a bit of a recent void between us and like you, I had always been the more affectionate one etc, but what we had really just needed to do was talk things through. Overall I’d say we had a pretty great time together.

      We were actually on our honeymoon – a 2-3 year cycling trip around Europe with our dog. We had ridden from England all the way to the top of Norway, then down through Finland and Eastern Europe to Slovakia, where we had found somewhere to live and work over winter in the middle of mountain wilderness. There was just us and a young family there. We started to spend a lot of tome with them, eating together most days, working together, we even had our Christmas with them etc.

      Then, just like with you, one morning – totally out of the blue – her husband showed me secret emails between them on some app or email platform I’d never seen before. I ended up travelling across Europe by train and bike with our dog, after a couple of weeks back with friends in the Czech Republic. He flew back to his parents in Scotland shortly after it happened.

      I just found out a week or so ago that he is returning to Slovakia to be with her. I am very fortunate that – very surprisingly to me – I actually met someone new just 11 days after we split up, but I have still been in absolute turmoil and the start of this new relationship has been dominated by my grief over my marriage ending. Fortunately my new partner is much older than me and worldly wise and very understanding and supportive.

      I really feel for you, your story is absolutely heartbreaking. I hope that in time, when you are ready and the right person comes along, you find someone who is deserving of you and who truly loves and respects you.

    3. I’m not sure how this works with commenting on an old post but here goes. I wrote this post almost a year ago. When I read it now, it reminds me how far I’ve truly come. I know over the past year I would get angry at all the people telling me “it will get better”, “you won’t hurt like this forever”, “life will go on”, etc. I would get angry because I’m my desperation and grief I just wanted someone to see me, see this terrible thing that had happened, and be ok with the fact that I wasn’t ok. So all that being said…I still feel like it’s important for those of us who have a bit of time under our belt to remember what it feels like in those first few months. It’s awful, and that’s ok to feel that way. However, I can now see that those things are all very true. Also, everyone heals at different paces and everyone has their own hurt and betrayal to deal with, so don’t measure your progress against another’s. There is no wrong way to heal. It’s been a year for me and while I’m telling you it gets better, it doesn’t mean that its ALL BETTER. I still have days where I look at my life in disbelief, that the man I trusted more than anything no longer exists, that I’m alone now while he has (what seems to be ) everything he wanted. I am still hurt and angry. The hardest part is the pain I feel as a mom watching my child grown up without her father while he is being that to three of his mistresses children. Those things will still cut…but it hurts most for my kiddo.
      As I’ve worked towards getting her and I settled and starting our new life things have really just become normal and the pain, while still there, is different and sometimes much less. I know that I will probably feel sadness for quite some time…I still get angry when someone says they are ok being single or found someone to be with right after…because I’m not either of those things. But hopefully a year from now I’ll be able to comment again and share even more encouraging healing!
      One last thought to share, the moment you allow yourself to really realize that “his actions are not a reflection of your worth, the are a reflection of his” you will feel empowered to start moving forward. 🥰

      1. Thank you Melissa for giving us an update on how you are doing. I return to these posts when I get a notification and appreciate everyone sharing their stories but to see some positive growth in that time is reassuring. They still serve a great purpose to us all and I have seen many of you comment that it is them who has the problem and not us but in the dark moments it is easy to try and blame ourselves. I still do, although in my heart of hearts I know I was a good wife. Today is a sad day for me. My divorce has gone through and I have cried for what I have lost. It has broken me for now but when I feel stronger I will not let it define the rest of my life. Today I need to grieve. Thank you everyone and please keep posting… it really helps

  80. We had a marriage that both of us described as magic. Out of nowhere in March he told me he had started an emotional affair in February. First he said it was a symptom of his low self esteem, and that in December he had a “breakdown”. We had made a huge move in July and our son was having a hard time adjusting, so was I, but things were feeling better. It was a temporary hard time that had nothing to do with our relationship. His work did not pick up as he expected, and I thought that was the cause of his esteem issues. I let myself believe that his feelings of failure were the cause of the affair. I was so painful, but I thought I could move forward. The problem is that he went back to the affair, I just found out that in April he referred to me as his ex-wife. He planned a month an d a half trip to @clear his head”. I backed away and just gave him space to figure things out. He swung from wanting to be with me, and wanting to be alone. The affair person is married and not leaving her husband. He said he was just riding out the affair until he went on his trip. I then found out he had been attracted to her since August, so the self esteem excuse doesn’t fit. He doesn’t want to be together when he gets back, and after finding out it all started a while ago and not because of any self esteem breakdown issues, I know I am done with him anyway. It just hurts to know he had a lot of time before anything actually happened to make other decisions, he could have communicated with me, or at least left me prior to betraying me. I would have been heartbroken, but not shattered. We could have gone to counseling and faced things respectfully. The hardest part to accept is that he did not even try.

    1. Hi ladies, I felt so alone when my husband of nearly 11 years left me but I know I’m not the only person this has happened to. We were together for 17 years and like I say married for nearly 11 years. We met when I was 16 and he was 19 and we have been each other’s everything ever since. We had some problems in our relationship because we wanted a baby but each time I fell pregnant we lost the baby, this happened 5 times but we pulled each other through and found out it was due to an illness I had. We worked together to get my health back on track and then he had a mental breakdown and I needed to help him. Again we dealt with it together and I helped him get back to work and feel positive again. In July last year we were then given the go ahead to try for a baby and we were born so excited and happy and couldn’t wait to try. In amongst this he had a young girl of 18 who worked for him and I felt she was over friendly with him even when she left to go uni she was still contacting him but he told me there was nothing to worry about as she was just a friend and way too young for him (being 17 years his junior). Our relationship was going from strength to strength and then in November he stopped taking his antidepressants and changed, he became snappy and was prioritising work but I knew he had a lot going on so I just continued to support him and come December our relationship was good. However in January he walked out on me but after 3 days he came back and we had a big discussion and sorted it all out and our relationship was the best it had been for a while. Then I found out I was pregnant I was so happy but he wasn’t as he had now decided he didn’t want kids. 2 weeks later (the night before Valentines) I couldn’t cope with the way he was acting and called him out and he told me he couldn’t be with me no more and had fallen out of love with me but he kept saying he didn’t want to break my heart and he was so sorry but needed some space to be on his own. I tried to get him back and suggested counselling and dating again but he said he couldn’t do it at the moment he just needed some time. In the meantime we had our 12 week scan and he was my husband again showing me affection, caring etc and I got excited then 4 days later I found out he was seeing someone else, but but just anyone else, the girl he had worked with who I was worried about. Not only were they seeing each other, 2 weeks after he walked out on me he had met her and slept with her and had already been up to her uni (a week before our 12 week scan). Fast forward 2 months and he is a completely different person. He doesn’t care about me or the baby and doesn’t check in to see how I’m doing with the pregnancy, he treats me like crap, blames me for things going on and acts like I’m nothing and a piece of on his shoe. This girl is now his GF and he is in love with her apparently. I’m heartbroken. We both wanted this baby for so long and now it’s finally on its way I feel he has abandoned me for a child. He has also filed for divorce not even 3 months after we broke up and has told me he isn’t buying anything for the baby. He has basically ruined the dream family I’ve had in my head for so many years. We were such a good couple and all my family and friends thought so and then now all of this. It’s like he is a different person and I’m not sure what happened. Up until he left we still had an active sex life and we still told each other we loved each other, how can you just lose all feelings and love for someone who has been your everything for so long. I can’t believe I’m going to be a single parent and he is treating me so badly. I’m trying to keep going for the sake of my baby but it’s hard when I hear about him and her and that his taken her to meet his family etc already. I know it’s not something I’ve done and I know this isn’t my fault but I can’t stop thinking what did I do wrong and why he has done this to me after all these years.

  81. My ex and I were together since 16. Had a baby by 18. We are 29 now and our son is 11. We had a toxic relationship. I put my life on hold so he could get his career going meaning I did not get a proper education or even a drivers license. He cheated and left us multiple times for different girls. Each time I took him back. I had zero support system and zero self love or self worth. I would always take him back. Almost a month ago he told me he isn’t love with me anymore and he wants change and we are done. Over text message. Come to find out he’s talking to a 21 year old girl (we are 29) from work who apparently gave him the confidence to leave me. I begged and pleaded until I realized I just couldn’t anymore. I told him if he’s already seeing someone else while having sex with me and sleeping in my bed he needs to leave. So he left. About a year ago after years of neglect some other man ( a mutual friend) expressed interest in me.I was at a low point and I slept with him. I instantly regretted it and knew it was wrong and I wanted my family to work. Fast forward to our break up and our mutual friend has now told him what happened a year ago. So now my ex is acting like this is my fault and I’m disgusting. So I sit here with my life completely turned upside down and no support system taking all the blame. Wanting so badly for this man to miss me and want me back. How do I let go? How do I move on? I don’t even feel I deserve to.

    1. Hi Melissa…I am so sorry to hear about u pain. I was in your place a few months ago. My husband of 20 years left me for my friend who is 17yrars his junior. I was so devastated. I cried and cried and hope he would miss me and return home. Please take my advice and find support in a church. Learning to pray is the only thing that ease my pain. Please forgive his so God can take revenge and fight your battle. Every wicked thing he has done to u will fall back on him. If his new relationship don’t work he will come back to you if you don’t realize your value….He will use u and move on when he finds the other girl. You have to learn to be single again because that is the only way you true husband will find you. Start an exercise program and eat healthy. Take careof your self. And love the blessed child u gave birth to. That man is a narcissist…therefore he doesn’t feel your pain and everything is your fault. He will not see you as someone he caused pain. To him you deserve the punishment. Darling he has no plans for you. Get your heart ready for the next man who will love u for u and think your faults are cute. who will honor and respect u as the previous woman. Stop thinking about that man… forgive him and take control of your life..Your future will be bright. The good thing is…he left you at 29….and not at 40. U have a great future.
      Love and Peace.

  82. Hello I recently learned my husband having another affair sad thing is it is with my who I thought was my friend 13 years. Not sure how long this has been going on but it probably doesn’t matter at this point. This is just one the affairs I’ve learned of. I love my family and husband and I’m just trying to get my life in order. I had to leave our home and stay with my daughter. Just taking it day by day right now.

    1. Candy M Callahan

      I am obsessed with is she better than me. Is she better in bed. I want to know what she looks like. Is she prettier than me. And I keep flipping out on him. How could 20 years of marriage easy to walk away from

      1. NOTHING about her can be better than you!!!! Believe that! She is a miserable selfish person to involve herself in the destruction and pain of your family ! Let your husband and the other woman sit in their misery of what they are doing to you and your family! Believe me one day it will all come to them and they won’t be able to handle it! God does not honor sin! You are a courageous, loving, powerful woman and you need to pull that love you have to your husband and shower it all back on YOURSELF. Watch what happens over time and your pain and obsessing will calm down it will i was that way! It’s your husbands LOSS and one day he will see it! Love yourself try hard fight, it is hard but fight for who YOU are…… with love angie

        1. Excellent advice, I totally agree. I was married 27 years, we promised each other we would never hurt one another by having an affair, we would be honest with each other, even if it meant heartbreak that one of us was falling out of love with one another,,, but,,, men are spineless, well my ex husband anyway!! He was a coward, he just had a sordid affair with a cheap tramp, who is known to have had several affairs with married men! 17 months later, he is miserable, but he is stuck with her, he is afraid to live on his own. They are constantly quarrelling, arguing and don’t trust one another, I just sit back and let them carry on being miserable, let them have each other, the grass definitely wasn’t greener. He broke my heart and destroyed my dreams, now it’s his turn to live with the anxiety, stress and turmoil. Ladies, keep strong, time does slowly heal, xxxx

  83. So my stupidity is probably to blame for why I am here, I met the ex when I was 14 he pursued I rejected, until I was 20 then I fell in love. It was on and off eventually found out he was living with someone and had kids when I was around 25 so I ran, but he was always around not proud of it but we did still see each other on and off for around another 10 years but no love, I had a serious relationship for 12 years and never saw him at all then after I bumped into him and realised I still loved him, he was in the same relationship but he never stayed there overnight he was living with his mum but he hadn’t ended it totally. So we started again he ended the relationship and virtually moved in with me it was hard at first I felt guilt etc and couldn’t go to family things so I didn’t hurt her etc but 2 years in it was just getting better and better then suddenly a text saying he has just come out of a 32 year relationship and wasn’t ready. I was in shock until a week later there he is on Facebook with his new love he had, according to her as she messaged me been with her for months he was only with me because I had money and a nice house and he was hoping I would pay for him to go on holiday. I tried to recover but don’t think I did really I had built my world around him was so lonely and confused. Then my precious dad became ill and I dedicated my life to trying to get him better then on 21st February my dad died I had nothing and was devastated, 2 days later ex came back said I love you I always have and want to be here for you, it was over with the ex and he wanted me, I didn’t let him back in easily I tested and made him jump through hoops but he did everything I wanted and was there for me and so so kind and loving I thought I was going to be happy, his ex was stalking him and sending me messages but we talked about it he said open them she is just upset but o chose not too. So two months in I felt him pull away And instead of leaning back I tried to make him happy. Then a silly comment of me saying he was boring because he had been so quiet blew up to him storming out when I looked round all his stuff has gone. So turns out he is back with her when I opened messages she was saying that it had never stopped each time she slept with him some were lies as he was here the whole time. But basically this man must have come back to me to repair something that was wrong in his relationship with her, ok I have done wrong in the bit how can anyone take advantage of my grief to get a second chance to just hurt me again, how can he hate me that much I have only wanted him to be happy. What hurt the most is he blamed the end on my silly comment I kept saying it can’t be that please help me because if it’s that there is someone else I can walk away without guilt or blame but he is still denying it even though his van is outside her house and he until I told him I knew trying to text to keep me interested what is wrong with him and more importantly what is wrong with me he is the love of my life but I don’t want him to be the story of my life I want to be happy and move on but don’t know where to start or even what makes me happy anymore any advice would be appreciated

  84. Really needing to pour out my heart and receive some advice and encouragement from women that have been left by their husbands for another woman. I’m 33 years old with a 5 year old daughter and a 7 year old son and after 13 years together, (married for 9) my husband told me that he wasn’t in love with me anymore and left me for another woman. My post is going to be really long but I feel like I just HAVE to get this out because I feel absolutely crushed inside. I met my husband in 2005, when I was just 19 years old and he was 20. I had just completed my freshman year of college and met him while I was working in a restaurant during my summer break from school. He wasn’t in college at the time or even working consistently. He was living with his grandmother at the time in a really bad neighborhood and we couldn’t be more different. I’m very introverted, reserved and smart. He’s very extroverted and likes to party and socialize all the time. I grew up middle class and my parents have been married for over 30 years while he was raised by a single mother who was forced to move he and his sisters to several homes all over town after his father had left the family in pursuit of other women. I was very shy and didn’t date at all in high school because of it, putting most of my time and energy into my grades. So I didn’t even know how to drive so I was very very naive when I met him. But for some reason, when I met him, I didn’t feel that awkward shyness when we met and he made me feel comfortable, he made me laugh. I just felt safe and accepted with him so we started dating. We dated all through college and married shortly after I received my degree. Things were going pretty well until one day when EVERYTHING changed. He came rushing home one day in January of 2009, fell onto the couch and stated that “his life was over.” I of course, being his wife, was immediately alarmed and asked him what was going on. In a frantic voice with tears running down his face, he stated that he had been over to a friends house the night before and his friend had invited a girl over. They were all drinking and laughing together but after they were done with this, his friend and the young lady went into the other room to have sex while he fell asleep on the couch. He says he woke up to screams and yelling, saying that the young lady was stumbling around drunk and yelling that she had been raped by them. He says he has no idea what happened between his friend and the girl but he knew he had nothing to do with it since he was sleeping. It wasn’t unusual for him to sleep over at a friends house every now and then. Looking back on it, there was no reason in the world that he should have been doing this but then again, by this time, I was just 24 years old and this was the first relationship I had ever been in. And now, this man was my husband so I thought oh, if he wants to spend a night a friends house every now and then, I guess that’s ok. I don’t want to smother him too much so maybe it’s healthy to do that. But he wound up being accused rape because of this so obviously it wasn’t healthy. I didn’t believe for a second that he actually did this and still don’t. He’s never shown any signs of ever doing anything like this and after the rape kit was performed on the young lady, none of his DNA was ever found but the friends was. This was a devastating time, truly devastating, but I stood by him and supported him through it. And even though no DNA was found tying him to this rape, he was still charged with it due to the testimony of her and the friend, who both stated that he was involved. He was facing over 10 years in prison if found guilty in court so he decided to plead guilty and take a plea of 7 years probation, out of sheer fear and anxiety about going to prison. Even though he avoided prison, he has to register as a sex offender for many years to come. This has ruined so many chances and opportunities for advancement in his own life but I stayed with him and supported him. He found jobs here and there over the next few years but the moment people found out that he was a registered sex offender, they immediately went to their bosses or HR demanding that he be fired. My heart would break for him when this happened because I didn’t and still don’t believe he ever raped anyone. And I saw how terrified he was to face trial even though his lawyer had built a strong case in his defense. He didn’t wanna go to prison for something he didn’t do so he just plead guilty to take the deal that would avoid that. He avoided prison but couldn’t keep a job to support himself or our family since we’d go on to have 2 kids within the next 2 years. Since I don’t have a criminal record or anything and also have a college degree, I took all the finances in my hands, put my plans for grad school on hold and worked to support the family while he watched the kids. I knew he wanted desperately to provide for his family but he couldn’t so I thought well, our roles will just have to be reversed and I will work to provide financially while he stays home with the kiddos. It worked for awhile and O thought he was okay with this arrangement but he eventually changed. He started leaving as soon as I came home from work and not returning for days, leaving me with no one to look after the children while I worked. I eventually lost my job because of this and couldn’t keep up the with the bills with no income so we were evicted from our home with a 1 year old and a 6 month old. This was absolutely devastating and it split our family. I moved into my parents house with the kids and he moved in with his mom. And there we stayed for the next 5 years, unable to find anyone that was willing to rent to us with an eviction on our record. We tried our best to spend as much time as possible together but when you’re living in separate homes, it’s very hard to cultivate a marriage. We didn’t have extra money for hotels or anything like that to even be intimate with each other so that part of our relationship died. He always told me that he loved me and that he was doing everything he could to find a home for us to be in together again but deep down, I knew that he was spending time with someone else. He wasn’t spending much time with me at all, just merely texting or calling every now and then. And finally just about a month ago, I found a landlord who was willing to rent to us. The kids are in school now so childcare isn’t as pressing of an issue so I’m able to work and support the family. He moved into the new apartment with us for 2 weeks and then left, stating that he loves me but just isn’t in love with me anymore. He’s met another woman with 3 kids of her own but is financially stable. She has a big house, gave him a truck to drive and is fine with him living off of her. She’s fully aware that he is married and doesn’t care, even going so far as to text me pictures and videos of her in bed with my husband. He’s even posted pictures of them kissing all over Facebook and just carries on as if I don’t exist, as if the kids don’t even exist. They are devastated and asking why Daddy doesn’t want us anymore and it breaks my heart. I put my goals and life on hold to help this man just for him to betray me for someone who has more things to give him. I would have those same things and be more financially secure too if I wouldn’t have stopped pursuing my goals to help him through his legal issues. And I did all of that just to have him betray me. I was faithful throughout the marriage, never cheated not even once. I kept my vows in every sense of the word and he didn’t appreciate that at all. Stood by him, prayed for him, everything a good wife would do. But all I got for all of my support of him was his behind to kiss. And I feel so humiliated, so embarrassed. So unbelievably hurt and devastated for not only myself but for my children. We’ve just been rejected and abandoned and it hurts. It hurts a lot. I know the obvious answer is to divorce him and move on with my life but I’m a Christian and even though I have more reasons than not to divorce him, I can’t seem to shake the feeling that God wants me to stay and fight for the marriage even though he is gone and clearly doesn’t want to. Is it normal to feel this way? Should I pray and just hope that he’ll change and come back home? Or should I just let it go?

    1. Hey Stephanie I’m Trice. My husband did me the EXACT SAME WAY. That’s why I can relate to your story. As I’m typing this we are going through a divorce as we speak. He told me about 3 weeks ago that he wasn’t in love with me anymore and that I deserve someone to make happy because he cannot give me what I need. He had been staying out lying saying he going to the store. Going to go see a sick a Aunt. Going to hang with his male friend he work with, all stuff but was just lying to me. But then when I get ready to confront him about it. I’m getting in his nerves. I’m not his mama. Leave me alone. U don’t trust me. Just a bunch of BS. Now we just bought a big beautiful brand new house not even two years ago. Our forever home. We have two girls 12 & 15 we been together for 18 yrs. So just Imagine how devastating and sickening I’m feeling. Like a nightmare. I know that he’s seeing someone else. I just know it. This past Easter Sunday, this Bastard brought who ever she was to our F@ck!ng HOUSE while me and the kids was at church. I checked our cameras and seen it. Talk about low! No regard no respect. Pure reckless. And for that I know I’m definitely DONE. Not mention he has cheated before 2 years ago big time on me and I for gave him for that. Thinking after buying the house, we would make a fresh start from the past but nope. He eventually went left again. But I should of not took him back after that because he only brought back 7 more spirit demons with him that made the relationship even more worse because he still wasn’t fulfilled and still not. Probably will never be. He has no resting place just drifting from one person to another. And I’m glad that he is definitely out because I don’t need the heartache Manipulations lying anxiety and everything else. So now I’m looking for a apartment too like u. I never lived on my own. I been with him since I was 18! And I’m 36 now. But god has my back. And as for u, there’s only so much praying u can do. I know that your a Christian woman, I am too, but I prayed for him to the moon and back 100 times and no change. So u have to look at patterns instead of promises. Cause unfortunately some ppl just are not going to stop doing what they do. Like my ex. But one day they will see who was there for them and who really loved them. Let it go and give it to god. You deserve better.

      1. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your encouraging words! No one ever really understands how bad this kind of hurt and betrayal feels unless they’ve been there. As much as I am sorry to hear that you and so many other women in this world are going through such difficult times, I find comfort in the fact that none of us are alone in this and that we can encourage each other. I totally agree with your decision to not stand for him cheating and getting a divorce, especially because of the fact that you have 2 little girls. You would never ever want those precious girls to believe that when they marry, their husband is supposed to be allowed to cheat on them multiple times and walk in and out of their lives. That would break your heart all over again, to watch your babies grow up and repeat those same mistakes and know the pain that they are experiencing. Him bringing that female ( I said “female” because no REAL woman would ever stoop so low as to sleep with another woman’s husband) to your home is beyond disrespectful and I’m so glad that you recognize that. What makes it even more awful is that you just NEVER think in the beginning that your own husband would ever just completely disregard your feelings and dishonor you and himself like that. But ohhhh, how I have come to realize in my 33 years on this Earth that even the people that you love the most and have done the most for will change on you and push you to the side quicker than strangers. It definitely humbles you and can even make you question whether or not you’ll ever really give all of your love to another person again. But with much much prayer and support from great women like you, I’ve decided to file for divorce, continue to allow God to heal and strengthen my heart and look forward to the MAN that God is going bring into my life. And I want you to continue to do the same thing. Let’s make this pain work FOR us, not against us!!! Let’s get in the best shape of our lives, both physically and mentally, and show our children and women all over the world how to rise above even the most devastating of circumstances. My ex and I were heavily involved in church and have not filed for divorce yet but he has posted pics of him kissing her all over his FB page, even captioning one with ‘Grateful and Blessed’. When did God start blessing adultery??? Lol smh But all the hours that I spent looking at her picture and comparing her to me and wondering why her could have been spent forging my dreams ahead after such a long time wasted in sheer depression and pain. I’m not making a ton of money on my job, just barely getting by, especially since he doesn’t help me financially either. I need a Masters in my field to really make a significant income and I only have a Bachelors right now. But I’m determined to get ahead and leave the pain of all of this behind. And I’m certain that you can do the very same thing. We all can. With God, all things are possible!!!!! Here’s to the new us!!!

  85. I have been married to my husband 32 years. He was truly the only man I have ever loved. He had a 13 month affair , never let me be completely out of his life. We somehow survived that , but in between there were little things, talking to someone etc. .
    Last July, he met someone. They just talked then progressed on until he managed to pick a fight and leave for the weekend. Monday morning he called me saying he had made a big mistake, he was done and wanted to come home, I let him. I don’t know if I am stupid, or what. We had a blissful 4 weeks until , he had breakfast with her. He would leave his phone and tell me how he wanted me to trust him, only after the fact to find out he had another phone to call her.. While thinking life was wonderful again, I came home from work and he told me he loves me , but he is not in love with me. He loves her wants to be with her. So I told him it’s me or her. He said in my own time I will end it, I proceeded to help him pack his clothes . He took everything and left. That night he called me 10 times. He has been gone for a week, and I blocked him from my phone. He still class and text. When I’m at work he calls me there. He emails me when I don’t respond, if he wants this then why doesn’t he leave me alone. He tells me I’m probably going to go to a bar and meet someone, I don’t normally go to bars but maybe I should. Why is he not allowing me to get off this emotional roller coaster. I am hurt enough and how am I supposed to even begin to heal, somebody please tell me… I’m lost

  86. I caught my husband cheating with a coworker, after everything blew up he moved out,he said he couldn’t handle the fighting that we needed time apart. Come to find out he was still seeing her. Now that the affair didn’t work out he wasn’t to come home. What do I do?!!

  87. My partner left me 6 months before we were due to get married on my birthday. That morning he told me how much he loved me and would never leave, then she turned up and he left with her, I am struggling to breathe and put one foot in front of the other, he won’t take my calls, answer my messages. I really feel my life has been a lie for the last 6 years, I go from being really angry to absolutely devastated by this. I miss the man I loved and the life I knew, the pain is all consuming.

  88. I cought my husband having his third affair last summer, since then I have filed for divorce and he has moved out. We had been married 18 years and have two beautiful children now in their teens. There are days where I’m ok and others where I don’t want to go on. I have loved ones that are really supportive but I sometimes find it hard to reach out. In the end, I was no longer happy with my ex, he didn’t talk much with me, we didn’t have anything in common, but I was willing to make it work. He decided to jump ship and I’m left picking up the pieces. Sometimes I feel unlovable, like there’s something wrong with me, after all why would he betray me over and over? Other times I say to myself “It’s not me, it’s him. What kind of man does this to his family?” I wouldn’t wish this on anybody.

    1. dear Julie
      You have nothing to do with what your husbands sinful decisions are it is his inadequacy and personal issue within himself. I had to learn that within my own marriage also. My husband has had so many affairs I cant keep track. One thing I do know now is that we try to love them and in hopes that the love would change them and that”s not so. The more we keep forgiving them and they continue to do it to us again, it breaks down our self worth and esteem. Please don’t feel unlovable, please don’t. Take all that special love you have inside yourself that you have to give, that your husband did not want to receive and turn it back on YOURSELF!!!!! Spoil yourself, look in the mirror and tell yourself who you are and give yourself the LOVE! Its not easy I know, I have been abandoned since December and it is getting better. I have a good day then boy it hits you like it was the very day! The roller coaster I want off, but we have to go through this to get all the special blessings that is coming our way! I bet we can look back on this one day and say wow look how bad it hurt and the trauma I was in but dang, My life is beautiful now and better than before!!!!! I have read, studied, and sought counseling from my pastor that has dealt with me and husband for years and you know what, my husband has a sexual addiction. Very sad but if they don’t acknowledge it it will never change. When I read your comment my first thought was you are so brave, you filed for divorce and you took a stand for your life! Now if we could only snap our fingers and have the pain and thoughts go away, that would be a blessing. Please remember that NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU FOR HIM TO DISHONOR YOU THAT WAY, ITS HIS MESS LET HIM HAVE IT AND OWN IT HIMSELF. You are too special of a woman to be devalued, made to feel unloved! LOVE yourself Julie try hard and fight< I am trying right along with you trust me! In kindest regards Angie

  89. My 50 year old husband had what I believe was an emotional affair for 6 months with a 26 year old. Actually, I am not sure…my heart wants me to believe that, but my head tells me it was more. He has been having an affair since July with our 37 year old neighbor. I didn’t know about either, except I had suspicions about #2, as he is never home…has NEVER been home and has always left my daughter and me at home for years. He works from home and has always told me he needed time out of the house afterwork. Not placing all blame on him, yes I drank a lot of wine because I was lonely and depressed. He also says he left because of my drinking, I was drinking because I was lonely. I have been dry since January and I am going to counseling by myself as he refused to go.

    He has gaslighted me for months, blaming everything on me…telling me I was an episode of intervention, he was nothing but a paycheck, etc….when in fact all I did was try to make life simpler for him by doing EVERYTHING possible in and around the house including all activities for our daughter.

    I am not so much upset about losing him as I am feeling humiliation, shame, betrayed. There is a huge anchor sitting on my chest and I can’t even make it through the day without crying. I read many books about saving a marriage, the 180, tried not showing my emotions in front of him, being nice to him, giving him choices rather than making decisions for him (yes, he also said I was controlling). I have retained an attorney because I know there is NO WAY I can EVER be with him again….but that doesn’t help what I am feeling right now.

    1. Very similar situation as mine. Still raw. Know you’re not alone. I am hearing from friends now who have had similar issues. I didn’t know. The blaming and coldness that the man dishes out. So we feel ashamed and isolated. We’re portrayed as crazy or controlling. But when you get the courage to tell friends…you’ll here a lot of me too. You’re not alone and you’re not to blame for his actions.

    2. Going through exact same minus I don’t drink. I am very familiar with gaslighting. My husband has perfected it. I too have lost all hope and will have to face this is the end. He’s having an affair with his employee. Still denying it even after I caught him kissing her goodbye when he got out of her car to drop him off at his truck. Their meeting place because she’s married too, to a lawyer by the way. We have 4 innocent kids caught in the cross fire. 12 and over. All teens. I am very lonely and very struck with grief.

  90. Roxanna Rene Abraham

    My husband left me almost 9mths ago after well April 13th woll be 34yrs. Its still very hard but I let it be that way he left for another woman and im brong honest shes not a good person. But he stiill comes to me for things like money and food. And i allow it. I need help to be strong to let him go to tell him no.

  91. MARG

    My husband and I were togeter for 37years . EarlyJanuary 2018 he told me he didnt love me anymore. I was in complete shock.. He slowly was withdrawing from me . Then My beautiful Grandson was born.. He want doing well Then in a week He was diagnosed with a rare cancer out of my daughters womb in January 2018. The whole family was in shock.. l was looking after my Granddaughter for 6 weeks so my daughter could go visit her baby .l spent 10 months supporting my daughter looking after my Granddaughter and when l wasnt with her l was at the hospital spending time with my grandson as we didnt know how much time we had with him . Going through 21 surgerys ,chemo , infections ICU..
    His such a fighter we brought him home later October..
    This is when l started seeing a big change him not wanting to have nothing to do with be pushing me away. Not respecting swearing at me wanting to be alone. All l wanted was to spend time with him . We finally got our family home. He moved out 2 weeks bfore Christmas. I went to stay at girlfriend for New Years. On the 6 January my sons girlfriend text me saying that her and my daughter had to let me know that he had another woman in his life… My children knew before l did.. How can he be so cruel. What was l to him in those 37urars??
    He still has come back home twice to collect a few thing’s. No explanation nothing. Just abounded his family. 3 beautiful grown children and 5 grandbubies..
    How do men do this? Stick there head in the sand. Wont come finish whats been his for 37years. I dont get it l probably never will… Not being responsible
    I havent even dealt with my grandson being unwell and in remission now let alone my stuiped husband aged 56 running off with someone from his work. What hurts the most about this is while my grandson was fighting for his life he was having an affair. What time of women is she ? SO HURT

  92. MaxieP
    Hello, my story is a little different I think. I say I think because I didn’t read everyone’s stories. My Ex left me for another man. I know this is another story line!

  93. Hi all
    As a man I read the posts also trying to understand and find closure:
    Was married 34yrs 11months. About 6 years ago me ex and I started having personality conflicts and in essence to have my way I started lying to her. I played online games that caused emotional cheating and I found a way to experience an outlet which otherwise would have made me go out of the marriage. I felt that it was under control
    Being mere online chatting as I had never cheated on her in all 35yrs. She is a very religious woman and had very little tolerance for anything ungodly. She caught my 3 times playing online and caused us to sleep in separate rooms but we reconciled. I never met any on the woman I interacted with online and it was not my intention to ever leave my ex. My two daughters aged 32 and 35 knew of the issues my ex and I had but I never stopped loving or caring for my ex till the end. 6 months before I walked out the house never to return my ex of 55yr spent a night kissing and cuddling a 28yr marine on a visit to my daughter in abu Dhabi. After her return from abu Dhabi and having her ego boosted by younger men’s attention she treated me like a dog for two months. I stopped the online gaming and joined tinder and had a few sexual encounters as felt payback was in order. I knew sooner or later I would be caught out which is what happened.
    My ex found out and asked me to leave and filed for divorce. I gave her everything, I left with my clothes and some tools and a bed. Her alimony per month is 80% of my income.
    I remarried quickly after considering my situation and realizing that going back to my ex wife would never work or be the same considering her hard Christian values. She begged me back a month after I left the house but I had already given my new wife my solemn promise not to hurt her or leave her. I never wanted to get divorced but she told me to leave and I did. Her filing for divorce immediately and turning my daughter’s on me and withholding my grandsons from me ever since has not been easy. I was so hurt by them all that I was prepared to break into my old house and comit suicide in it for them all to find me there but thank goodness I have been able to get past that idea. I remarried soon after the divorce was thru with a wonderful woman with 3 adopted children. She is financially stable and I can look forward to my old age stress free. Personally I’m overindebted with very little to show for 34yrs marriage as she got everything including my daughters grandkids and assets. There is alot that I miss and mourn but i need to focus now on me and my new family as my ex family want nothing to do with me except pay her alimony. I gave her a stay at home life to raise my girls only to lose everything and my daughters and now I must pay her for the rest of my life because of the life I gave her.

    1. You lied and were online with other women. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t meet them and never intended to. You should’ve talked to your wife and thought about her instead of just yourself. Was she supposed to put up with what you were doing? Just because you didn’t meet these women or have sex with them, it was still cheating. If you weren’t doing anything wrong you wouldn’t have been hiding it. I don’t understand how men or women can do this to their spouses and their kids. If you’re not happy you don’t cheat! You talk to your spouse because they’re not a mind reader!

  94. I left my ex after 17 years together. I found out he was having an affair with my married best friend. I confronted him about her and he said if I didn’t like it that it was just too bad. So I went and got pre approved for a mortgage, shopped around for a house and bought one. After that was all said and done he comes down with cancer. So I nursed him through it, and then told him I was leaving after his chemo and cancer was gone. When I told him I was leaving as he treated me like crap he said it was my fault as I was fat. He could and has never owned up to being a total jerk. Now my ex married best friend’s husband passed away 5 months ago and they are now moving in together. I quit being friends with her when I left my ex 2 years ago, as I cannot stand either of them. I am still bitter and angry and am having problems moving on. I have seen and spoken to therapists and I know I should just let go and move on and be happy but I still feel a rage against the 2 of them. Her husband knew about them as he was physically incapacitated and encouraged them. Then they wondered why I didn’t want to be friends with them anymore. I just shake my head at some people. I need to stop being angry and get on with my life.

    1. Reason being is he told me if her husband passed away he was leaving me for her anyhow. And sure enough they are together. I hate them so much how do I get over it?

  95. My husband left 2 weeks ago and I’m in complete agony. He says it’s not because of her but there is no other place he would be. I came home after work and all of his stuff was gone from our home. Said he wanted a divorce, left me a letter and walked out the door and haven’t seen him since. We have been together for 13 years. Married for 1 1/2 years. I caught him having an affair through text messages 1 week before Christmas. She is 8 years younger than me. He told me he started seeing her in aug. he broke it off with her after I found out. But she kept messaging him and vis versa. told me he loved her and they have a deep connection. He blocked me on his phone so I can’t even contact him. It’s like I never existed to him. All I see is the two of them together with a new life…a life that was supposed to be ours. Up to the day he left he said he loved me. It’s like he was living a double life but he choose her. I’m completely shattered. I’m left with so many questions and no answers. Feel so alone. How does someone throw away 13 years of a life together with someone like this…any comments back I would really appreciate. Thanks for listening.

    1. Hi Kate – Your story is nearly identical to mine, I am heartbroken right now and do not know what to do. A week before Christmas, I found out about an affair my husband was having as well, and he also told me he had ended it. However, he has been secretly seeing her for the past three months and I think is on the verge of leaving. He hasn’t officially told me yet, but I am assuming that is the next step. We have been married for 14 years, and have three young children. We have so many memories and all I can think about is how much I want things to be back the way they used to be, and I have no idea how this could happen. How could someone throw away such a perfect life that we had, I am completely lost, confused, and shattered as well. I need to keep it together because of my children, and I assume we will all have to go to some type of counseling together. One thing I do know is, that there is nothing I could have done to prevent this from happening, it is not my fault, so you should know it is not yours either. Just wanted to let you know there is someone suffering the same pain that you are, maybe somehow this will make sense some day. I pray every day for peace, and that he will snap back to his old self. Praying helps tremendously if you haven’t tried that, and also make sure to surround yourself with supportive people. I could not have gotten through this ordeal so far without the support of my in-laws (yes, my husband’s family nonetheless). I will pray for you as well.

      1. Hi. I know how you feel. I was married for 13 years and with my ex husband for almost 14 years. He had an affair for at least a year while working out of town. I didn’t suspect anything till he came home for good. He was only coming home once a month. I never thought he would ever do this! This home wrecker he is with us hideous and she is 32 and he’s 43. She looks more like she’s 52! She has never been married and has no kids. He left and acted like everything was my fault. I was a stay at home mom and took care of everything. He tells me to get over it after he blind sided me! My girls are young. They were 11 and 7 when he left. It will be a year in June. Our divorce has been final since January 1st and he got engaged in October and is getting married a week before our anniversary in October! His family is treating me like I’m the one that had an affair. I can’t stand any of them anymore or him! They don’t care what he did to me or my girls! They are just excepting this home wrecker like nothing has happened! My oldest is almost 13 now and won’t have anything to do with him because of what he’s done. He tries to blame me for that too! He’s the one that told them 3 weeks after he left that he had a girlfriend! I swear he’s a narcissist! Everything is always about him and what he needs and wants! You’re lucky your ex’s family isn’t treating you like crap. I am angry and hurt and can’t believe he is getting married already! I just don’t understand how he could’ve done this to us!

    2. Hi Kate. Please look after yourself.
      Rest and feed your body well. You will feel better just give it time. I am sure you feel like you never knew him. My now ex husband & I were together 24 years. 22 married. He was my best friend and lover. I thought I knew him and we would grow old together. We chose not to have children by choice and enjoyed our life travelling and our families. I was v close up his parents.
      He started acting strangely. He started an affair but never would be honest even when I confronted him with evidence after 4 months of horrific limbo. I never got any answers or truth. Even when she had got pregnant while he was still living with me – he was still insisting it was a friendship
      I divorced him and got my own place. He moved out of the area. Within s year he moved back and bought a house 6 doors away with the other woman and child. We commute on the same timetable. He denied it but knew where I lived.
      I cannot afford to move again. Financially I now have to work full time up to retirement with a mortgage.
      I don’t know if he’s happy. He never wanted kids. There doesn’t seem much karma.
      However, believe me, you will become strong & independent and find a new life for yourself. Not the one you envisaged, true, but you will be happy again.
      In time you will come to accept there will not be answers. It’s hard. Men are cowards and they can’t face up to the guilt. Don’t be surprised if he lashes out at you or blames you
      You are not to blame. Stay Strong. Look to your friends and family for support. They will get you through this.
      I hope this helps iin some small way.
      Yes I do miss him still but I look at it this way – I had his best years of him, his youth. Like you did. They have the old man that is coming. You will find love and happiness again. Bless you. Please feel free to reply.

      1. I am suffering too. I’ve been married 18 years and have 4 children 12 and over. All teens. My husband and I have been having problems a long time. He emotionally checked out 2-3 yrs ago. I tried like hell to reach him but he wouldn’t talk to me. Went to counseling few times he wouldn’t budge. We have been physically separated 3 months, supposed to be a trial, give space. I found out last week by catching him with this woman. He’s still blatantly lying but I have proof. He is having an affair with one of his employees that he’s been good friends with they have worked together 6 years. She is married too. I am completely devastated and feel he is in love with her just knowing how close they were at work. He has said “ he’s at point he wants divorce “ after I’ve been asking him for over a year and him telling me he doesn’t. He sent me so many mixed signals last 2 years. He has gaslighted me so many times making me feel crazy. She doesn’t have kids but is married she’s 46 he’s 44. It’s such an unfair playing field when they are only around each other during stress free uninterrupted times. He is showing anger and coldness, I don’t know this man, and especially when I said he’s risking his career. He said the only person risking his career his me if I go to the company “ with false allegations “. I see no empathy no concern for what he’s putting me through. It hurts more than I can bare. I have very little emotional support.I would appreciate any help or advice I can get from women that can understand what I’m going through. Thank you.

        1. Hi Heidi,
          I was reading your lost and while I wasn’t married anything near as long as you l, our stories are similar. My husband was having an affair with what would be his subordinate but she is on another “team” it is not necessarily against the rules but is very much frowned upon and does put him at risk. BUT they don’t care. And what you said about how it’s unfair because they get to be around each other when it’s stress free etc. is exactly how I feel! How could I have competed when she was there to have a beer or joke around, have that exciting passion of secrecy and risk. I was the one holding our lives together. Making sure groceries were bought, bills were paid, laundry done, and our child taken care of. Of course being at home with me wouldn’t be that fun I didn’t even have a chance. The thing is the women my husband left me for is still married and has three children. She knew who I was and that I had just had a child and that I had no clue what was happening but she still did it. Now they want to be together:..they are playing it safe (as I have found out from one of his confidants) and making it seem as though they are just friends as she tried to leave her husband without losing the child wrong etc. I have full confidence that they will be together at some point and I would like to think that reality will hit them…but as I have read from so many people there is a good chance they may be perfectly happy and never look back. I am just starting to deal with the fall out of all of this and I have my ok days that are followed closely with unbearable ones. But I do try to keep reminding myself that God never wanted this so it will never be the “right” path for him to be taking…and yes he may find happiness but it will never be the happiness that was intended for him. That being said it doesn’t stop the hurt and anger from over taking me. And also (sorry to be so scattered). Ya you also mentioned the coldness etc. that had been another extremely hard thing to deal with is the complete disregard for me or anything we had created. He has complete indifference for me and is the worst pain to know you mean nothing to someone you love. I’m sorry that I don’t have better advice as I’m just starting in my journey but I can say this site and realizing I am not completely alone is a wonderful step. So I’m here if you ever want to chat!

    3. Also identical to my story, after 15 years of marriage he left in Dec (for an acquaintance he had been secretly seeing since Aug 18) , when I was away with our daughter, (he booked this flight to get us out of the way) when I arrived home he came back to me after she threw him out but only because I exposed him of texting me while he was supposed to be with her. He came back only to pretend he wanted me, then asked me to go visit family in February 🤔 nearing valentines day, which I refused. He left 3 weeks later after a drunken night out and never returning home. For him to contact n say “where do u think I am”!!!!!!.
      Anyway she deserves him, after knowing already he’s a cheat and lier.
      I packed my stuff and moved countries with my daughter to start a new life.

    4. Kate I am going through the very same thing you are I know the betrayal, shock and horror are just too much to bare. I am trying to learn from this. He never deserved me. I’m in agony too so I really feel for you. I know just what it’s like I’m living it

    5. Married for 15 years with 4 kids. He’s cheated before and I new something was up but hoped I was just being paranoid with trust issues. Find out he was having an affair for months! Looking back things make sense now. He had started a new job at a hotel and started working rediculous hours even spending the night there ( something we fought about often). He had become distant and not interested in sex. I chalked it up to him being tired from long hours at work. He didn’t get me a Christmas present. At my birthday he didn’t even want to sit next to me… I was so confused. He didn’t get me a present then either. Now I find out he was buying her gifts all along and they are “ in love”. I’m devastated. Never thought I’d be 36 with 4 kids and begging for my job back that I thought I’d never have to go back to since I was a stay at home mom now. Every time he talks he’s so nonchalant like he’s done nothing wrong. Crying does nothing. He’s just ready to be divorced so they can start their lives together. Meanwhile I’m stuck answering all the tears and questions our kids have. I have really good days where I see a rainbow up a head and believe others when they say his relationship won’t last and that one day he’ll be sorry and miserable. And then I have days like today where all I do is cry and feel like I can’t live through this. I scour the internet for similar stories just to know I’m not alone but the pain is still there. I go from blaming myself to realizing he’s just an awful person. I’m in mourning of everything I dreamed we would be and everything we would have. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with and all I can do is pray that they end up miserable.

    6. Omg this happened to me around the same time. I am still stunned about it. I am lost. We have a 11 yr old together so it makes it harder. Idk what to do and how to do things right now. Completely lost. I hate him. I know it’s a strong feeling but it’s how I feel. It hurts to the very core of my heart. I don’t know how to even begin not to care. I just want to scream kick n cry all day. Staying strong for my son is so hard. I know how you feel n can only imagine what you are thinking n what you want to do. We did so much for them for them to leave us for a younger 27 yr old. For what!!!!????

  96. Hello everyone well this is my story i am 63 we had been 39 years together 34 married to whom i thought was my soulmate i had 2 little girls from my first marriage then we had two beautiful boys who are now men one married with 4 children the two girls each have 2 girls of their own now so 8 grandchildren all up i became aware 9 months ago that my husband could be having a relationship with another woman i immediatly blamed myself as our sexual relations had come to a halt after i went through menapause i told him i wasnt enjoying sex he took it very personally and basically turned his back on me we carried on for 10 years being intimate only occasionally up until 5 years ago it all stopped we still enjoyed holidays together he even bought a motorhome 12 months before leaving me and built the home of our dreams 7 years ago . But 9 months ago i was alerted to the fact he was seeing someone else when i confronted him he denied it but i kept questioning him he came home from work after 3 days of me having meltdowns and said i think we should split and coldly told me how things would be wanted to be amicable because we might “cross paths” in the street he would be fair with splitting assets i could get myself a “little place ” you wont be rich but you will be comfortable” then i stayed with my sister on the saturday night and came home sunday all his clothes had gone from the wardrobe passport and dog no note just devasation for me , we rarely argued and i let him make all the decisions he runs his own business which has been quite successful and ran all the finances he is still paying the household bills but basically told me i should have done better for myself i earn $600 a week he earns$160,000 per week i know this is long but i need to get it out
    SO 9 months of grief sorrow hurt anguish lonlieness frightened in limbo waiting for settlement as he is trying to give me as little as
    possible he has turned into someone i dont know his new woman is life coaching him he changed his diet smoothies healthy he talks to himself in the mirror so im told he grew a beard which he never ever remotely seemed interested in he started hot yoga 3 years ago he moved in with a woman a friend he told me i said why dont i know this friend you know who all my friends are its still so raw and i cant stop thinking about him the things he said to me etc i need to get past this i have loved and trusted this man for 39 years

    1. Lucy
      You are not alone, it’s like they have flicked a switch and moved on.
      It’s the painful, cold hearted,callous, cruel things they say and do. They will say anything to justify what they have done.
      If you remember back when you both first met, it was exciting and sex was great. But life gets in the way, we age, we go through the menopause. I thought we would age gracefully together and enjoy retirement, how wrong was I !!
      He’s experiencing excitement , lust which doesn’t last for ever …..then what is he left with ?
      Surround yourself with close friends and family for support. Take one day at a time, and try to achieve one thing a day if it’s only getting up and showering ….you’ve done it!
      Look after yourself, try counselling, massage anything for yourself xxx

  97. I posted on here at the beginning of the month after finding out that my husband who I had been with from being 14yrs old and married to for 6yr had been having an affair and left me for her well he wouldn’t tell me who she was but he swore that I didn’t know her that she didn’t live anywhere near me or work in the area well yesterday I found out who she is and was shocked to learn that I know her and she works in the local village Costa coffee where my husband has been going for the last 8 months and lives in the area also but if that wasn’t enough to take in she is now pregnant with his baby or so she says as she has also been seeing someone else at the same time I looked on her profile page and she is fat and nothing much to look at he has been buying and sending flowers to her whilst she’s at work and he sed he couldn’t have our daughter on Valentine’s Day/night and now I know why as she has been openly posting where they have been going they went for a romantic night away to Leeds in a hotel she has photos of flowers that he buys her nearly every week he’s treating her like she’s some princess and yet she is really ugly I was expecting her to be very slim and gorgeous looking so I did laugh when I seen her photos and when I went to her work to confront here she actually doesn’t care that she has took my husband away from me and a daddy away from his little girl, she lives in a scruffy flat always out drinking even during the day her family are a load of small time drug dealers basically the scum of the earth type and he’s absolutely besotted with her she is everything he used to call names about for being scruffy I can’t understand why he has left a good decent wife and his daughter for this person who has had more men than hot dinners and is some sort of party animal, his family are treating me like this even though I’m the one who is the victim in all this I spoke to his mam on the phone who kept shouting sarcasticly at me ‘youse weren’t together’ but we were together this girl has been so open on fb page she even changed her relationship status to in a relationship on the 11th January which when I found out about him cheating I asked him how long he had been seeing her and he sed two weeks it’s nothing serious but I am going to see how it goes with her now if he was telling the truth he should of started seeing her on the 14-15january yet this girl has change me her status on the 11th so they have obviously been seeing each other for weeks before that as I wouldn’t of thought anyone would change it the day they go on a first date?! And now she pregnant and he says it’s nothing to do with me and truthfully I don’t think he was ever going to tell me about any of it I think he was just going to wait till I seen them out and seen that they were together and that she’s pregnant I find myself struggling as to why he could be so cruel to me when we took 4 year to get our daughter as we really struggled and we lost our first baby yet he has an affair and she’s pregnant straight away if god is good it’s not his it’ll be the other mans and I can laugh at him for being a fool but I know I’m not that lucky for it to turn out like that he grew up without a father cos his dad did exactly the same to his mam and he always sed he wouldn’t do it to me or our daughter as he struggled growing up knowing his dad was playing happy families with his other kids and ignored him yet this is what he is going to now do to our daughter I have told him to never ever come to my home to collect our daughter agen I’ve told him he ain’t seeing her as I don’t want her to get hurt in all this he has turned into the most spiteful selfish and rotten person I honestly don’t recognise him anymore please if u have been in this situation tell me it’s gets a bit easier over time cos right now I am beyond crushed to pieces

    1. Hi Gemma. Oh hun, it’s hard,and I get it, been there. Please,don’t stop the relationship with his daughter,she still deserves a daddy. Regardless of what’s happening with you two,don’t remove his chance of seeing her just to get back at him. Now, this is going to become hard, but leave him to it. That means no ringing,texting,trying to meet up with him. You are the most important person right now, and yes your husband has completely lost his head, but you need to hold it together for that little girl. Like you my ex went off with the local town bike. Did many unacceptable things, and I went no contact. Kept it up for over a year,only discussing our daughter. In that time it made me realise I deserved better. Six months into the relationship of the century he would turn up uninvited,trying to feel wether or not I missed him etc. I never gave him anything,shut the door on him. It was extremely painful, but you can get through this., if I did. He soon realised what a mistake he made, but for me it was too late. I could never take a man back who cheated. You may surprise yourself,but it really is early days. Sort your finances out. If you can photocopy everything, bank statement says etc. See a solicitor, because he has a duty to pay child and spousal support. Don’t,listen to any excuses he makes. He’s in the honeymoon phase a time the moment, usually lasts 6 months to two years. The chance of this relationship working are very slim. I mean not trying to give you false hope,but statistically they have a 10% chance of making it…not much is it? Anything you say will fall on deaf ears so say nothing. It’s time to grow balls,and take care of your business. Surround yourself with people who love you,and get out the house. Meet friends,and start building a new life,because he may not come back, or you may decide you don’t want him.
      It’s been two years for me,and if he were the last man I’d never take him back. We now coparent,and he’s said numerous times what a dick he’s been, how sorry he is, how much he loves me. Too little too late. I’m indifferent,and my ex is now moving into his own place,after shacking up with the OW for 16 months. Sad isn’t it. Hugs my darling, you can get through this, take it day By day,and take really good care of yourself and that’s little girl xxxx

  98. So devastated. My father and mother just died and I had our baby.. hes now 10 months old, I’m a breastfeeding mother and am not working. I just found out my husband is having an affair with a women that he had an affair with 10 yrs ago… she knew what I had just been through and she contacted him off fb.. I don’t know what to do.. he also just filed 4 divorce and he has just restarted this affair 2 weeks ago.

    1. Do you have any friends or a church that you could reach out to during this terrible situation? I’m so sorry and I’m devastated for you. I’ve been in a similar situation, and some women are complete sociopaths. This doesn’t have anything to do with you. This is your husbands defect with intimacy. He likely needs to join a addiction group in the area of sex and love addiction. Focus more on making yourself stronger. Can you reach out to a counsellor? If so I would get an appointment with one to help you sort out next steps. Your first inclination might be to keep this all private. But you’ve not done anything wrong, reach out to friends, and any family that you might have to set up a support network for yourself. You are in a critical place to be caring for your baby, and also caring for yourself at the same time. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but things will get better. This has nothing to do with you, or something you don’t have, or fulfill for your husband. This is your husbands issue, and he may have told you he stopped having an affair 10 years ago, maybe he did maybe he didn’t. but I guess is he’s been keeping in touch with her, and or other women too. The baby will have brought all of these issues for him to the surface. And this is likely why he’s filed for divorce. A marriage counsellor might be able to help, but more than likely he needs to go to a professional who is trained in addiction counseling. Im so sorry and I hope you ‘re able to get the support you need for yourself and baby. Take care.

    2. So my situation has changed dramatically my husband has been trying to win me back after realising the woman he left me for was not all that and the grass wasn’t greener etc but what I can’t get over is they were together for 2 weeks and she fell pregnant straight away she is now 12wks pregnant and furious that he has chose to be back with me his wife of which he has been with for 15yrs she calls herself his girlfriend and me the ex she doesn’t understand she was an affair in our marriage and nothing more she acts like she’s the wife and I’m the other woman I don’t want him anywhere near her but now there’s a baby on the way and he wants to be apart of the baby’s life I find myself praying it’s not his as she was with her boyfriend whilst sleeping with my husband I know the outcome isn’t going to be what I want and I’m stressed as we have decided to go to marriage counselling to get back on track but I just think the baby is gunna change it everything when it’s born and we have a 2 year old girl who is so confused as to what is happening around her.. any advice would be appreciated ladies xx

      1. Gemma
        I really do not understand how you can take your husband back so easily after this betrayal? The same thing happened to me and he got the other woman pregnant. That was the nail in the coffin for me. Up until then there may have been a chance. He had lied and lied. How can you trust your husband ?? How do you know he won’t have another affair? Did you suspect?
        FYI we were together 25 years from the age of 21 so it was very hard. He was my soulmate and Best friend or so I thought. So Much longer than you. But I’d lost all respect for him.
        And I had to preserve my own self respect.

  99. Hello ladies,

    I am coming to you because I believe that I need advice regarding my situation. I am not yet divorced but very probably soon to be, and while I’m trying my best to stay strong in those hard times, I can feel my strength disappear day by day. My husband and I have been married for 6 months but in a relationship for 8 years; we were in a long distance relationship for most of the relationship, but being both students it seemed the most logical solution. During those 8 years, we encountered hard times but we always pushed forward in hope of getting married. Finally in January 2018, we decided to marry, be able to finally live together (yay!) and create a family. I thought all was going well; he’s on business trips often for work so we were still apart from each other but the comforting thought that he’d come home to me was just so incredible. I have always been very devoted to him and I am fiercely loyal; I never strayed nor have I ever doubted this marriage. He is a very extroverted person, always surrounded by friends, while I am quite introverted and enjoy being on my own. I never ever doubted him regarding all his friendships.Sadly last weekend, while he was on a business trip to Italy, he told me he was going to meet one of those « friends » that he met online and that he’d be too busy having fun to call me or text me; I found that very suspicious, but decided not to be overly paranoid over a friendly meeting. It turned out that this girl he met was his « girlfriend » and that before coming home, he had sex with her, followed by the promise to break things off with me so they could officially be together. This came to me as a total shock; I was so hurt, so in pain and cried for hours and hours, being lost and not knowing what to do (I am from France and I left all my family and friends behind when I came to live with him in America). He told me that he didn’t love me like before, that he loved her so much, he couldn’t live without her (they had been talking for only 4 months mind you) and that while he was thankful to me for all the times I was by his side and helped him, he didn’t love me anymore. I decided to be strong and told him that I wanted to talk to her on the phone, that I wanted to hear her version of the facts; he agreed, and I proceeded to tell her all about how I didn’t know that my marriage was « ending » when she was having sex with my husband and how he lied, how he manipulated both of us and was trying to get the best of both worlds. I tried to be empathetic with her because I refused to hate the « other woman » and I just really thought of what would be the best for her, as a woman. She told me that she was sorry for hurting me, that I had been wonderful to call her and be so kind and that she’d cut all ties with him as soon as we would hang up the phone. Long story short, she did just that (blocking him on all social media platforms) and my husband went mad; he started breaking everything around him, screaming at me to « get the f*** out of his house », that I had « ruined his life », that he « never wanted to see my face again ». I was terrified of this man, this stranger inside this house where I had started to build upon my hopes and dreams… I ended up calling his mother because I had no idea how to control this epic tantrum and she managed to tear him a new one about his behavior and actions towards me. It was good to feel like someone was on my side; that I had not been crazy for doing what I did. Anyways, while discussing the imminent divorce today, he said to me « you and I could remain friends and see each other from time to time; after all, after almost 9 years, we’ve built a lot of great memories, right? It would be a waste to throw it all away». I was flabbergasted by this total display of empathy and felt even more insulted by those words than by the whole affair; he asked for some time to think about it and change his mind about the divorce but I’m already packing my bags and rebuilding my dignity because I know how this will end. He wants to go back to Italy to be able to get « closure » from this girl, but we all know that wouldn’t happen; he’s just trying to justify getting there to see her again. We had planned to have a baby this year, I had started repainting the walls for the nursery, we got two dogs….I’m just exhausted and so disappointed… I spent so many years building myself and my life up for this marriage, just to realize I wasn’t even loved… he wants to keep me as an emotional crutch but I deserve more than this, I deserve to be loved and cherished. I deserve a man, not a child; I know he will never change, but I resent myself for loving him so much even after this. Going back to France with no home, no job is going to be tough, the face of my parents when they will pick me up at the airport.. this is going to be so hard… I ‘m just heartbroken from what I know we could have been; if he had just decided to not give into sin and kept his eyes on God and me, we could have fixed that. He’s not even truly sad about me leaving, he’s more sad about her which, in turn, makes me even MORE sad. Anyways, thank you so much to anyone reading this monster of a comment and sorry for my English, I know it’s far from coherent and smooth. Any message would be appreciated as I feel so alone and broken, any comfort would be very welcome. Thank you so much everyone.

    1. Please remember to keep your eyes on God. He has been my rock throughout my situation with my soon to be ex. You are not alone in this situation unfortunately. My go to verse has been Jeremiah 29:11. Stay strong in your faith. your family will not. be disappointed. They will be there for you.

    2. Antionette Johnson

      Elizabeth Johnson

      I am sorry sorry for you pain. I went through pain and anguish….my husband of 20 years left me for his younger woman. She is 17 years his junior. While my mother was on her death bed..he was having a relationship with someone I knew very well. She came to my home and ate…sat beside me in church and spoke to me on the phone.
      My x divorce me quickly and moved out.
      I can attest to the fact that prayer and the word of God works….trust me u will be better off. Prepare your heart for your future husband.

  100. Oh how awful. I am so sorry and feel your pain as I went through that terrible time myself. It’s been almost 5 months for me. My husband left me for someone 15 years older than he is. She is 63!!!
    I am going through the divorce process right now. I don’t cry nearly as much as in the first 3 months so it does get better. I chose no contact maybe that is what is helping me adjust. I am angry though but keeping it to myself with the use of a punching bag. I am seeing a counselor so you might try that if you can. I also chose to be placed on antidepressants for the anxiety. The anxiety was debilitating for me. I had to do something to help myself. Exercising helps. I would either walk or run. Journal journal journal. Get the feelings out don’t suppress them. If you don’t you may become depressed. After this is over and you have felt all you need to feel to heal, you will be better for it in your next relationship. Acknowledge what went wrong in this relationship to ensure you don’t take any problems into your next relationship. This time will be for you and your daughter. Find yourself. This is what I am trying to do. I have been a wife and mother for 22 years and just don’t know what to do with myself. I am forcing myself to do this as I really don’t want to do anything at this point. I am trying to get myself moved 5 hours away from them. I am going back to my home town where family is. I need them right now as well as my son. I am frightened for my future but if I work hard, I can make a life for myself. You will as well. Do your grieving for however long it takes but try to avoid do it around your daughter. Think positive thoughts. That is what my counselor says. Say positive things to yourself all day long. Eventually, you will believe you will be happy again and have this amazing new life with a new incredible guy. You are still young. You will have an amazing life eventually. This is the new norm. People are divorcing all the time and are having amazing lives. That is what I am trying to think. I am 57 so it will be harder for me. I am still not sure if I want one but if I do meet one, who knows how I’ll feel. You can do this and feel good and even great again you’ll see. Sending love your way. I know how you feel. We’ll make it!!!!

  101. My husband left me on New Year’s Eve for another woman I was shocked as only 2 days before he was talking about having another baby and holidays in the new year we had been together since I was 14 and he was 16 he was my best friend through life it hit me like a ton of bricks when I found out 2 weeks later that he had been seeing this girl behind my back I am having to move out of the marital home and start again with our 2 yr old daughter I feel like I am being punished for something he decided to do to me he hasn’t apologised and won’t tell me who the girl is or when he met her he’s very protective of her and calls her his girlfriend to my face it’s very hurtful as I thought we were happy planning another wonderful year together but now I feel everything he had planned to do with me he’s now going to do it all with her we have now only been separated for 4 weeks and his ‘relationship ‘ with her is growing stronger as he stays with her at her home most evenings and doesn’t want to take our daughter out because he would rather be with her it’s as if he has pushed aside all his responsibilities for this younger woman he’s 32 and now acting like he’s in his early 20’s my friends and family say it’ll be a flash in the pan and he will regret it all but I’m not too sure he says he hates me but I’ve done nothing wrong to him it’s as if he has forgotten how happy we were for 15yrs because he’s in this love bubble with her now it’s crushed my life I haven’t eaten for 7 days I can’t sleep cos every time I close my eyes I imagine him with her and can’t cope with the emotions of feeling like I wasn’t good enough for him I hate him for what he’s done to me & our daughter but still love him and cry all the time because I know it’s over for good and I can’t come to terms with the decisions he’s made in ending our marriage for this new woman I feel worthless, ugly and unwanted by the one person who alway told me he loved me he even text and told me 2 days before he walked out on me which is why I’m finding it so hard to come to terms with I have no family support I was close to his family but they are agreeing with what he has done to me and will soon be welcoming this new woman into the family and I’m sure she will be sat in my marital home next week when I have moved out I have asked him to keep her away until the divorce is finalised but I do t think he will because he doesn’t care how much I’m hurting he’s just gunna do what he wants he dropped our daughter off tonight and rushed off to go to her house with all the new clothes on and trainers that I had just bought him for Christmas and now all I can think about is Valentine’s Day I used to have to remind him to get me a card and flowers but I’m pretty sure he will be rushing to the shops to buy this woman gifts and spoil her when he should be doing all that for me please someone on here who’s gone through this tell me the pain eases over time because right now it’s killing me inside

    1. My dear Gemma, Omg my heart is breaking for you so much I don’t have words for you! My husband left me before Christmas and just like you blames me for everything that he is doing wrong! He says mean things to me and more! It’s only been almost 2 months for me and I do want to tell you that since December 14 when he left my heart and stomach do not feel the same way or is a little better. I did not not eat for 28 days straight not could I sleep at all. I too dreamed of my husbands coworker and him together and sweetie please let me tell you to please fight to change your thoughts on something true and lovely and kind! I started tormenting myself with the thoughts and one day I said wait a minute I’m not gonna give this woman the satisfaction of controlling me from a far I WILL NOT. I am better than her she is empty and selfish and does not have a heart ! Same goes for your situation , this is their sin they created and trust me it’s not gonna last cause it’s sin, a LIE, God does not honor this. The consequences of their actions are gonna come trust me because you did not deserve this it’s cruel! That’s how I feel what my husband is doing. I pray that you experience some comfort and peace in your heart today! I pray that you will dig down in the strength and the courage that YOU HAVE and stand tall! Your are NOT worthless , ugly or unwanted! Your husband is loosing a loving beautiful and courageous woman that gave him the love she had and he is missing out! My pastor told me Angie your husband is NOT happy out there doing what he is he is miserable trust me and one day he is gonna coming crying to you when it hits him and at that point you will have the best response for him that God is going to give you and you are gonna have the most unbelievable peace about yourself that you will know you won’t have any regrets of your response !! Please please believe that all of us here on this site are going through all this heartache for a reason. We are ALL going to be OVERCOMERS and make a difference in someone else’s life watch. Because we have experienced it we can give back to someone else hurting and in pain. I wish I had a magic wond to heal your heart right now this moment, I don’t want anyone to feel the pain I do not at all! The love you have for your husband that he is rejecting turn it ALL around on yourself and fill yourself with it! I say to myself I’m going 1 day at a time with this broken heart and yes it doesn’t hurt like it did a month ago! Your name is going to be in my prayers tonight like all of us on here! You are special and strong even if you don’t feel it right now YOU ARE! With love Angie

      1. Thank you so much for your kind words I have now moved into my new home with my daughter and feel much better I still have a little cry at night as my soon to be ex husband has turned into a whole new person and has no respect for me as his wife or mother of his child he continues to see this other woman and has said to me he is going to see how things go with her I have told him numerous times that I will never take him back so to be sure that he has made the right decision in picking this other woman over his family.. hopefully in time when my broken heart is healed I can find my true mr right who will treat me and my daughter well x

        1. Update on my Situation within a small space of time I’ve lost my home my husband and my daughter has lost her dad the woman he left me for is now pregnant he wasn’t going to tell me I had to find out who she was by myself and that I know her she’s lives in the same area as me and now he thinks it’s great that he’s going to be a daddy again now I know this girl and she is well known for running about with other men sleeping around she was infact seeing someone else the same time as my husband so if god is good it will turn out this baby is t my husbands and I can have a good laugh at the life he gave away for a little liar just like him I feel crushed by this news and his close family are thrilled there’s a baby on the way now a lot of his other family find it to be a disgrace and have said they will not be welcome in their homes which gives me some comfort in knowing that people understand the hurt he is causing by the actions of these two awful people I have told him my daughter will be having nothing to do with the baby and I sharent acknowledge it as her step brother or sister now I know I may sound petty in doing so but he used to cry to me because his father had other children and lived with them and not him and he was always treat different to them and I won’t allow my daughter to feel like she’s an outsider and not worthy of her fathers affections please If u have gone thru the same please tell me it gets easier because I have had to deal with all this in the small space of 8wks it’s too much to take in and it’s crushing me

    2. Dear Gemma,
      I really sympathised with your situation as lots of things you said were so true of my situation. I discovered my husband had been having an affair on Dec 22nd 2018. This was his 2nd affair. The first one was 13 years earlier and we worked through it. We have been together since we were 19 and barely spent more than 2 days apart in all that time. As far as I was concerned, he was my soulmate and I imagined us growing old together. He obviously had other ideas.
      I asked him to leave that day and I haven’t seen him since. We have had lots of contact through messages as we share 3 children and that has been our main focus for communicating.
      I informed the husband of his mistress about the affair soon after Christmas and their marriage ended too. My husband and his mistress are now making a go of things, living separately. This is the part that is tearing me apart. It feels like they are now sailing through life, leaving devastation behind them and only interested in satisfying each other. Friends say to me, oh it won’t last, but I believe it will. I think they will have to make it work as they’ve given up their families to be together.
      This has been the worst pain I have ever endured and I’ve not been able to go back to work since Christmas, yet he never had a day off.
      Some days I enjoy being able to do whatever I want but then other days I feel such grief and I can’t stop crying. This week, I just can’t seem to get the two of them off my mind. He’s even saying to my teenage boys that she’d like to meet them one day, the poor kids are still dealing with grief! They are having regular contact but they really don’t know how to move forward.
      I’m having counselling, starting next week, so I’m hoping this will help and just keeping myself busy with friends but it’s so hard when I’m in my own company.

      1. Hi Jane,
        I am so sorry for your great loss. I know exactly how you feel. It is so hard dealing with this. I’ve lost 40 lbs since September. It’s difficult to even pick myself up each day but I do. It helps to have others going through the same thing so if you need a chat, let me know. We are better than they are. We were faithful wives and did everything for our families to ensure their happiness and comfort. We will find our happiness again as long as we do for ourselves first. We have to make ourselves a top priority so we can move on to find that happiness. Let them flounder and have regrets for what they did to us. One woman on here has an ex that says he made a mistake and she feels nothing when he tells her. I love it. Someday we will able to feel nothing when they express their regrets and we can say we feel nothing for them. They will be pathetic shells of men. No contact has worked for me. Maybe it will for you as well. It has helped my healing. I have my son here with me to offset the loneliness and soon I will have all my extended family around me. I will not be alone.

        1. I’m going through the same thing, I was told by text from his mistress that she has been seeing my husband for a year. It has destroyed me.

    3. Dearest Gemma,
      It’s as though we have the same husband. You are so strong and can do this. My husband is 35, he is still living in my home with me and our two children. His 25 yr old girlfriend is due on the 28 th with “their” son. I am filing on Tuesday morning. He refuses to move out,but has stopped all responsibilities involving our family. Including ignoring bills to buy this “woman” an Iphone. I don’t know how we will get through this, but we will.

      1. Aww Stacey I really feel for your situation you are such a strong woman to have him still living with you and your children I can’t believe how men think they can treat us women who are decent wives if god is good the disgusting home wreckers that they have left us for will treat them like crap and it’s onky what they deserve. The hurtful things they do like getting these women pregnant is disgusting when I found out yesterday who my husband had been cheating on me with I had a little laugh as I seen her photos on Facebook and she’s so ugly and fat he always tortured me over my weight (I’m a uk size 12-14) so average size but this one he has got with is about a uk size 20-22 and her face is also really fat not that I have anything against bigger ladies but when he tortured me I honestly thought he would have got himself a model girlfriend very slim so I did laugh and I went to her work place and confronted her she was really bold as brass as though she had done nothing wrong and rubbing her stomach saying they’re happy they’re having a baby baring in mind the both swear they have only been seeing each other for 6 weeks and she’s 4 weeks pregnant if they are to be believed so in a space of 6 weeks they are supposed to be so in love he has flowers sent to her work in place and they have been to Leeds for Valentine’s Day/night and she has been openly posting all of this on her Facebook page and doesn’t care that she has took my husband and my daughters daddy but we will all get through this I get so much comfort from this page as we are all going through the same situations it’s like counselling I appreciate all your kind works we are now strong independent women xxx

      2. I hate that us women have to go through all these terrible emotions due to our husband being disgusting lying cheaters my husband was a living caring person who has now changed towards me completely I had to find out for myself who the skank was he was cheating on me with and then I found out she’s now pregnant with his baby this is all within an 8 week time line he says they have been seeing each other for 6 weeks which I wouldn’t even think she could tell she is pregnant they’re trying to tell me she’s only 4 weeks but he admitted yesterday he’s been seeing her for months so she could be further along it has destroyed me as me and my husband were going to have ivf to have a child but we did fall pregnant naturally and he always said his family meant the world to him which in hindsight has been a lie as he has now moved on so quickly to start another family I feel he is now turning into one of those men who move from woman to woman and leave a trail of children behind, I feel for you situation so much and it does help coming in here and opening up to other people going through the same situation as ourselves xx

  102. Dear Judith My heart breaks hearing your story it sounds just like mine! I truly don’t want anyone to feel the pain I am experiencing from my husband leaving also! You say you don’t beleive in God we’ll that is all I have to hold on to and He is truly giving me courage, his strength, his grace, and most of Love to see me walk through this trial and sadness! I have faith that God is going to work this out for His good and whatever it will be will be the answer that is going to perfect for my life. This woman that supposedly loves God is a lie! God will not honor her sin at all HE WILL NOT. God says cengangence is mine , believe that my dear, this woman is not a believer because God hates adulterey and divorce! Shame on her for even speaking on it shame on her! I pray that one day you will find peace coming into your soul and a sense of calm and when it happens that is God ! He will never leave us or forsake us. Wow I’m so mad with you at the fake , insecure, deceitful woman. My prayers are for healing for you and your family total restoration and I pray for deliverance! With love Angie

  103. I am 3 weeks into my husband leaving me after 30 years of marriage. I just turned 50. I know nothing but him. I went to bed January 7th married to the best man in the world and very in love, and woke up to him leaving me. He had a “friend” at work. He claims he was never unfaithful, but just days after he left, he said he is “starting a relationship” with this woman, his friend. We had 3 children; our daughter was killed in a car accident 7 years ago at the age of 18. I thought we lived through the worst life could bring. I was wrong. I am living through this apocolypse again, just grief over him instead of my dead child. This woman told him he was the second coming of some saint who was to sit at the right hand of Jesus upon his return. She is religious, we were not. I am not. But how do I compete with someone who strokes an ego like that? Then the same woman, who believes in God, breaks the 6th commandment without losing a beat. I saw him today and he just tries to make me feel guilty, he is losing weight, he is going to lose his job because he is living with her where he works, etc etc etc. I love this man, more than life itself. But right now, I despise him so much, I never want to see his face again. My sons are 28 and 23 and they are still in shock that the man they knew and loved could hurt our family so badly, hurt their mother so much. But all I can do is think of the two of them together, and it is so unfair that my days are consumed with those thoughts. I don’t pray to God, I don’t have alot of friends, I just have my family, they are the most important thing to me. But this man threw us all away like garbage. Our sons, our grandson, our pets, me. For a woman he knew for 6 months. Maybe she gives him sexually something “new”. Who knows, he lies about everything. But finding other women who have gone throught this, who are going through this…helps to know I am not alone. I know I need counselling. I have to find a therapist because I have to be vocal to someone. It is not fair to always talk to my boys about this. They have to deal with their loss too. But I just want to stop thinking about him and her and how betrayed I feel. Thanks for letting me rant <3

    1. Hey Judith…I’m so sorry your going through this. It is heart breaking. I’m two years down the road,and it does get better I promise. As your feeling so desperate,may I suggest you go no contact. Let him get on with it. I did this pretty much from the beginning, only engaging if it applied to the children. Whilst in no contact,I discovered through the pain, that he could own it lock,stock and barrel. Yes, your husband will paint you out to be a lot of things,this is to justify his own behaviour. My ex moved In with the OW Several weeks after we split. I simply let him live his disgusting life,got a job,made new friends,got rid of friends I couldn’t trust and started making new memories. I simply faked it till I made it.
      Let me tell you what I learned…after a while, I stopped thinking about him,he on the other hand pretty much realised after several months that his new wonderful life wasnt that great. Fast forward,he’s about to move into a new place on his own, has told me numerous times he messed up, he loves me…blah blah blah, how sorry he is, and much more. In the two years I’ve kept quiet, dignified and it’s only recently I can actually have a conversation with him. I feel nothing!
      I’ve come to realise I’m worth so much more, and even after being with him for over twenty years,The deceit is too much to be able to trust him. His life is completely ruined, he is miserable,and I made sure I got what I deserved. It’s the biggest most desperate thing I’ve been through, however, I’m stronger than I realised,I can do it alone…but more importantly I’m showing my teen daughter that mum won’t stand for his crap.
      Be kind to yourself, try and get out as much as you can, joinclubs in your area,and start pushing yourself. Sounds like your ex is having a hard time. Tough I say, let him! Hugs hunni xxxx

    2. Hi Judith, I am so sorry you are going through this. You are still in the early stage and it’s still absolutely horrible. I don’t know how I got through that time except that I would walk or run whenever possible. I am seeing a therapist and she is really helping. Definitely see one. I am also on antidepressants. I am willing to try anything. I’ve lost 40 pounds. It’s almost 5 months for me. We were together 22 years. He is now with the 63 year old neighbor and he is only 48. It’s a nightmare. I am moving in 2 weeks about 5 hours away. This town is not big enough for the 3 of us. All my friends here have abandoned me because they just don’t know what to say to me. I’ve lost all. I am going back to my home town. I am desperate to make a new life for myself. I just don’t have a choice. I can’t imagine a life without him but I have to make it work and try to be happy again. I don’t do well sad all the time. It’s just not me. I can’t even think of having another relationship to have this happen again. I am so scared of that. What an experience this has been. I don’t know what I am feeling now maybe just numb maybe depressed. I am waiting for the antidepressants to start working. At least I don’t feel completely broken like I did. I was a loving wife and mother and did everything for my family. I think about what I am going to do now. You are probably thinking the same thing. Well, don’t go that far out. Only think about moment to moment or you will drive yourself right over the edge. Too many changes all at once so don’t think about too far in the future. Think of only positive things to avoid depression.Think about things you are grateful for. I know it’s hard but do it. It will help you to avoid thoughts of them together. I think my husband is going through a midlife crisis. He is so confused and don’t know what he wants and it happens be a woman 15 years his senior. His birth mother is 1 year older that this woman. Well, if he changes his mind, there will never be going back after the pain He’s caused me,

  104. My husband and I were high school sweethearts, got married at 18, have 3 grown children with 4 beautiful grandchildren and have been married for 40 years. We have had our share of problems but for the most part have had a good marriage until about the last 4 years. He has left me several times for 2 different women. He has become abusive in the last few years as well especially since he has been becoming attached, shall we say.. Each time he has left he has done it with a note secretly while I was gone or asleep. I in the past have truly tried to fight for him, for our marriage, this time I am finished. It’s killing me to have to tell my kids that he left again, to see there faces, hear them say Mom please don’t take him back… I loved him with everything I am, gave him some of the best years of my life… I have been hurt not only physically but emotionally by him and I just can’t keep doing this to me….

  105. Hello, I never thought my husband would do this to me, but he did. We married on 12/09/2017. A few months after that, I noticed some changes in his pattern, coming home later, on the phone more, etc.. I started to pay closer attention. I started to have that “gut” feeling, that something wasn’t right! I confronted him with my concerns, and he sweet talked me out of it. Again that did not take the feeling away. On May 6th of 2018, he went to let the dog out in the middle of the night, I quickly grabbed his phone and found the messages from the other girl. I cried screamed, the works. A few days later we decided to do counseling. I forgot to mention that the other woman was also married. I thought counseling was going great. Her husband reached out to me two weeks into our counseling sessions of screenshots between the two of them talking again. I got upset yet again. We continued counseling. Our counselor was not happy! – But I stayed. Almost a year later I thought everything was going ok and it wasn’t he was still seeing this other woman. This time I had enough! I moved out of the house, and know I’m dealing with severe depression, and still wanting to fight for our marriage. – Because I’m so deeply in love with this man. He’s telling me we are separated and need time apart for now. Which I think is not true. – Because he’s still continuing to see this woman! I feel like such an idiot! How can I love someone that has hurt me so much!

  106. My ex Husband definitely left me for another women. We tried making things better but no matter what I did it wasn’t enough. He was very emotionally abusive and I left the marriage lately I lost my appetite and can’t sleep he one minute wants me then he doesn’t I no it’s time to leave but dont no how to stop loving him nor sleeping with him please help.

    1. I’m also dealing with the same situation how to I get past this pain. I still love him after catching him 3 times with the same woman!

  107. Hi. I literally only jumped on Google to find some type of advice because I’m starting to get frustrated that my mind won’t or can’t think of anything else but my husband & his new gf. I’m so over having them rule my every thought. There is nothing I want more right now then to just get on with my life & try & forget what’s happened….I’m about 3 months into the break up & we were together 10yrs married for 3yrs. Between us we have 4 gorgeous boys. This girl I speak of was a work mate & she was also married, but hers only lasted 8 months because she left her husband for my husband. I put 110% into our relationship & only to be left like this. I’m scared I won’t ever get over this. I want to so bad I just don’t how to😔

    1. I am right there with you. I have been with my husband for 15 years, married for 12 years. we have two beautiful children and now he has a child with this woman who he had an affair with for 4 years. I say have been because we are still married and he refuses to divorce me. I didn’t want to be the one to file because I didn’t want him to seem like the victim but I think it is high time I just face the facts. we had tried to mend the relationship for the last year, during which he left me about 10 or 12 times because he just couldn’t be without her. we even moved states to work on our marriage but he left me in the other state to move back to her… then he moved back to my state to once again try to fix the marriage. I have been emotionally abused by this man for far too long and although I am scared that he will drag me back in the relationship, I am doing everything I can to let go and stay away. The other girl, because a real woman wouldn’t take a married man from another woman, worked with him for those three years and saw the lifestyle that we had together. we went on trips and had a beautiful 2 story house. She lived in an apartment and was married to a bum. But she left her husband for mine. After the reveal he left his job, we lost our home, and are now living with family in another state. He of course is living out of his car because he feels that that is better than living with me and his children. I know its hard to move forward but after all he put me through, I woke up and realized that he will never be able to leave this woman and I am the one that is going to have to file. It may feel like you will never get over it, but eventually (God-willing) you will look back and realize that it was his loss. He had a good thing and he gave it up for a child, a lost little selfish girl. It’s what keeps me going. He will realize that he made a mistake and it will be too late.

    2. Hello Natasha I’m going through the same exact thing we were married for seven years and have 2 boys together. It’s been 6 months for me and I’m still walking around like a zombie. I have no appetite and my stomach turns every time I think of them together. I just want to get on with my life soooo bad but I can’t! It’s taking over my entire life. The fact that there are kids involved makes it so much harder. Maybe we can email each other and get through it together

    3. The similarities to our stories are crazy. I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 3. We have 5 kids. We are both 33 and have 5 children between us. He has a n affair with a 22 year old coworker and is convinced they are in love. He Told me a few days ago he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. He has since seen our children but will not even look me in the face. Guys I am falling apart. He has been gone 5 days and o can’t function. I just want to wake up and not feel this anymore. I never thought it was possible to be thos sad or hurt. I miss him everyday. The worst thing is I lowers myself to talk to the other woman and she flat out told me that she would never stop looking for him as long as he looks for her. It kills me that he has given her everything that I have earned. I want to die. I don’t want to feel this anymore.

  108. Hello,
    I am 4 months into the break up of a 22 year marriage. We are going to do the financials this weekend. It is happening so fast. He left me for the 63 year old neighbor and he is 48. It’s just wrong. I cried for the first 3 months. Big wrecking sobs. I had crippling anxiety. I’ve been seeing a therapist and she is really helping me. I don’t have anyone here for support. My whole neighborhood of friends don’t invite me anymore now that we are now t together. I don’t know if they invite the old fat ass w&@$e and the cheater. I feel so alone aand hurt. I work and come home to my beautiful house that I will not have for long. The wasband’s mother will be buying me out. I will be moving close to my family as I really need them right now as well as my son. My wasband was a functioning drug addict for 15 years of our marriage. I don’t know why I stayed but hoped every day that he would quit. He finally did it and I had 3 lovely years of a sober husband and now this. However, I am better but I don’t know what the future holds and trying to take one day at a time because anxiety was over the top thinking about the future. You just can’t think that way in the beginning. It was just send you in a tailspin. I am not crying nearly as much and the anxiety has lessened considerably and so totally grateful. I still think about them together a lot but I block it with positive thoughts like “I can get through this” “I’m going to have a happy life”. I just say them in my head like a mantra to distract myself. My therapist suggested it and it seems to work. If you say it over and over again, you will eventually believe it. I am will to try anything at this point. I am working on me. I am going to have to be selfish in my meeting with the wasband on the financials just like she told me when he left me for the neighbor. I have to support myself and support our son through college. We will be living with my mother until I can save enough to buy a house in that expensive area. I’ll need a job first. I can’t bear living in the same town with them. I think moving is the best thing for me. I am so happy I found all of you going through the same mess I am going through. My heart goes out to all of you.

  109. Please post anonymously

    I’ve been married for 15 years together for 17. We have two children. 12 year old son who will be 13 soon and 11 year old daughter. Also have a step daughter who is 17 years old. We met online. He told me he wasn’t married nor had kids. Later on I found out he was married and he had a baby on the way. By then I was head over heels in love with him. I was only 21 years old. I tried to move past him lying to me and for a few years things got better. We got married when I was 23. He was very secretive after we got married. He wouldn’t let me have a key to our mailbox at our first apartment which we lived at for 2 and a half years. When I would walk past him when he would be on his laptop he would close it right away. He never let me touch his phone. I had endometriosis so I was in pain almost every day. We also lived 6 hours away from anyone I knew. Once we started trying to have kids I found out I wasn’t able to have any kids. I became very depressed. We moved closer to our family which helped. Then I became pregnant. Once my son was born a few months later my dad started getting sick. He had cancer. I became depressed again plus I was hurting all the time. My daughter was born the following year. I started hearing rumors that my husband was cheating on me with our neighbor. He was always over there. He said it wasn’t like that. He just talks to girls and there is nothing wrong with that. He wouldn’t be loving and affectionate he said you don’t give me time to be. My dad passed away right before my daughter turned 1. I went into a deep depression. I wanted to go to marriage counseling but he said we didn’t need it. He would try to work on our marriage for not even a week then he would become distant. I have migraines and also fibromyalgia. When I had confronted the neighbor she told me to talk to my husband. We moved shortly after that because our house had black mold and was making all of us sick. He didn’t talk to her anymore. We bought a house and things started to get better for awhile. I still didn’t do much. When I would try and cook it would be very painful. I would clean as much as I could. I stayed home with the kids. Every now and then I would miss a field trip and he would have to take them. I was on antidepressants and they made me hear voices which I didn’t realize the pills were making me hear the voices. In 2015 my friend was constantly flirting with my husband. It made me sick how they acted like a couple. Everyone saw it and when I would mention it to him he would become defensive and say I was crazy. I ended up being committed for two weeks for almost taking my life. He then almost left me. In 2016 he almost left me again but said he wanted to work things out instead. In 2017 she became pregnant and all our neighbors thought he was the father. He was mad that I was upset about this. The end of 2017 I was at my moms on the weekdays helping her take care of my grandparents and only coming home on the weekends. My grandpa passed away in November of last year. He had Alzheimer’s. I then still helped my mom with my grandma. I was able to look at his phone and read text messages he was sending to one of his friends. He was telling her how the party is over now that the wife can no longer help since her back is messed up. He also kept calling the girl that’s supposed to be just his friend my girl over and over again. Then he was talking about another girl how they hugged and he felt cared for that he hadn’t felt that in a long time. I confronted him and he said he was sorry he hurt me. This summer He wanted to work on us really work on us this time. We we’re being more loving towards one another sending sweet little texts. I thought we were doing better. December 7th he told me he wants to separate. That he has met someone else and is in love with her. They have been texting for months and hanging out. I even asked if I had anything to worry about and he said no we’re just friends. The person he has met is actually a friend one of ours who is married as well and also told her husband she wants to separate. He told me I can’t make him happy. He loves me but he isn’t in love with me. He hasn’t been in love with me for years. He said our marriage has been over for years. He stopped living in our home January 2nd. I’m heartbroken and confused.

  110. My husband of 12 years decided he wants to stay with the other woman who is older than me and left me alone with my 3 kids ages 11 below. he started having an affair in 2017 and got the woman pregnant. He has no work and relies on the other woman’s income to survive. The baby was born in february 2018 but sadly died december 2018. He always say to me that he chose to stay with them because of the baby but doesnt love the other woman and that as soon as this is figured out he’ll soon come back home. But now that their baby is gone, he is still there and cant find any excuse anymore. He wants me to wait for him until he finds the right time to leave her. In our country, there is no divorce. It breaks my heart that he is enjoying the best of both worlds. I honestly want to end things with him and move on but he doesnt. I have tried to talk to him about filing for annulment but he is begging me to give him time to think and sort his feelings. I dont want to wait and i want to be done being miserable. I am being positive that i can surpass this and i should not hold back anything anymore.

    To all the ladies here who are suffering like me, WE CAN DO THIS. let us not bitterness and anger take us over. It is not the end of era for us and i know God has a plan for us why this is happening. We just have to be strong for us and for our kids.

    1. Dear Cvd,

      God is with us all the time. I am so happy to see how you already lean on Him. You are now the light of your family. Pray for your family and especially for your children. May Gods grace and blessings guide you through this terrible storm. From this terrible pain we all go through when a husband abbandones his family we need to see Gods beautiful love He has for us! I wish you all so much strength! Through Gods love and grace, I am standing strong and feel so blessed in His love! God has a plan for us as you have said, and Gods plan so so perfect! To all you beautiful women….. You WILL make it, because God is now with you…. Please believe this! Blessings to you all🙏🙏🙏

  111. Hi. My husband left me for in 2008 and he took everything that we had and gave it to her. He threw me out of our matrimonial home. We had two kids by then. Then I told my pastor. He prayed for and my husband said I should go back to my house but with no furniture. I went back in 2011.He used to visit me then I go t pregnant. Then the other lady was angry and he left him. He had another girlfriend with two kids. I am not staying with him. We visit each other. This festive season I have been calling and he was not answering my calls then I decided to go and check on him and I found him with the girlfriend that has two kids. I was going with my kids and he chased us away and now he is not talking to us. Am so hurting. Please hehelplp

  112. Hi. Did search for how to cope when my husband left me for another woman and found this. I’m 50 years old and spend the last 35 years of my life with him. Our marriage was not perfect of course but out of character he began distancing himself last April and 3 weeks later says he wants a divorce. Found out a week later he was in love with another married woman who had already left her 3 young children and husband a month before. They had planned all of this. We have 2 boys, ages 18 and 14. We are all devestated by this, tho my younger one seems to be dealing well…its hard to tell…I think he’s trying to be strong for me. Since my ex said he wanted me to be taken care of, I have a condo I bought from money from the separation so I have no mortgage and he provides some support. Never been on my own before and Im so scared. I am also incredibly angry at him for leaving me for her!!! It makes me sick if I hear that he’s spending the night with her and doing things with her he never did with me! I do not know how to move on at all. I want to. I am just SO lost and hurt that he seems like he is moving on and happy with her. None of this makes any sense to me and I suspect I will NEVER understand what happened! So now I am left to try to figure all of this out. I dont even know where to start. I have no false hope that we will get back together so Im glad I am not dealing with that. I am just SO ANGRY and SO HURT! I dont know where to begin to let go and move on.

  113. My husband of 7 years left me for another women and got her pregnant during our separation we have 2 little girls together and he was messing around with her during our whole 2 years of marriage. I feel so confused lonely and have built up anger and I found myself comparing myself to the other women. I have tried to move on numerous times and once again I’m back to square one trying to move on in my life. Everyday for me have been ups and downs but mostly downs but more problems just continue to be added to the fact he decided to leave once again. He have known this women for some months and I been with him since I was in high school but he gladly fought to be with her instead for fighting for his wife and kids . It been very hard for me to move forward from this situation but I’m currently filling for divorce.
    I thank you all for any help I really just needed a outlet to express the huge changes that’s going on in my life.

  114. Hi Ladies,

    I’ve been reading through all of your posts and they have really been helpful. My story is certainly not the worst I’m quite young (19) and I am finding it really hard to cope with my split even with God’s help. I was with a guy my age for roughly 2 years. We were extremely close and had plans to get married once w finished school and start a family. I was very happy and I always thought he was too until a week before everything fell apart and he seemed distant. I suggested breaking up since he seemed so miserable however it was not what I wanted. He retaliated with saying that it is exactly what he wants and that he “can’t do it anymore.” I begged him to stay and have been doing so for 3 months straight until I found out he immediately started seeing a new girl after it all ended and has refused to call me or meet up with me since we broke up. He was not a god follower like me and I was struggling with several mental health challenges at the at the time which were difficult for him. But I just don’t understand why he didn’t want to fight for our relationship after so much of our lives was spent together and how someone can fall out of love and in love with someone else so quickly. I keep wondering whats wrong with me that after 2 years of showing someone who I am, I wasn’t good enough.

    Thank you so much for any help.

  115. My husband left me 11 months ago after 40 year of marriage and I am struggling just as much today as I did when he left. I feel such deep rejection, anger and lonliness . I feel like I’m in deep black hole and will never get out if it. He says there is no other women but he is very friendly with someone. I have lost all respect and the most important thing I’ve lost is trust. I have asked God to feel my pain, see the pain and take it anyway but it’s just not happening. Can you please please give me some guidance. I’m just so tired of all that has happened and I just can’t cope anymore

    1. My husband left me in July 2018, we had been married for 42years. There was no one else involved at the time, but he has struck up a friendship, that he hopes will become more than that. He is a DJ in his spare time and I trusted him do I g his monthly gig I didnt know be was building this friendship. He has filed for divorce and it’s all happened so quickly. It is hard to come to terms with and feels very lonely in our home on my own. I havnt sat crying all the time, I have got out and made new friends and am gradually building a new life for myself. The house is on the market a d I shall find somewere that’s just mine. The thing that’s keep g me awake at night is imagining them making love, and it’s torcher. If I can get past that I will be doing well. I’ve been with him for a life time s d unfortunately I relied on him for everything. I am getting stronger though and I will probably always love him.

      1. Hi Jacque. How are you doing. My situation is so similar to yours and I admire you for the strength you have and wish I could be the same. As you are I am trying to move on by going out and meet new people but still struggle on a daily basis. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you

    2. Abandoned and Broken

      Wow I feel so bad for each of you. I just went through this too and can not manage to get myself together. Cried much of the afternoon and feel so sad.

    3. Hi Maggie
      For me it’s only been 22 years but try to get out with friends. Get on an exercise program. But some clothes even if you have to buy them second hand. Get a hobby. Find things you really like to do. Get on antidepressants. You are in the depression stage. It is so easy to feel sorry for yourself but it does no good for you. You will become stuck. Don’t do it. I am only 4 months into my breakup to divorce. I am seeing a therapist which is helping. I do have trouble doing anything let alone trying to do any of the above. I will try. I just starting my antidepressants so waiting for them to kick in. Never taken them before. I am willing to try anything as I have a lot to do. I have to move half my stuff 5 hours away. I am so grateful I have the opportunity to move away from my ex and our neighbor together. The town is not big enough for the three of us. I hope you can get out from under the funk you are in and live a little. At least try a little. I know it’s hard to do anything when you feel this way but it will help you little by little. Surround yourself with family and friends. Talk. Get it all out. Get a punching bag and cut loose.

    4. Hello Maggie I am in the same exact situation it’s only been 6 months for me but I can’t take feeling like this anymore! It’s taken over my entire life. We were married for almost 7 years. We had two boys together who are 5 and 1 so I know I have to try for them. I honestly just wish I could sleep my whole life away so I don’t have to feel this pain anymore.

  116. I have been married for 30 years to husband and I found messages of him telling a co worker he loves and misses her. So I truly lost it due to I knew something was bothering my husband and I kept asking to be honest with me but he wouldn’t. My husband has been unfaithful a lot and I keep forgiving and praying that the darkness he has inside of him would be replaced with the man I know is in there but he just won’t let him out due to his enormous pride he has! So I put him out the house because I was terrified that he would say I was leaving and to hear from him “she make me happy” that just made my heart drop. He says he didn’t confide in me when I asked because of guilt! He also says he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore he doesn’t know why he keeps doing this? He must know why you can’t do this your entire marriage and not know why? He initially was angry at ME for putting him out like it was my fault and I took that on me like what did I do to and alaways do to make him want another woman! It is the most painful thing that controls your mind to wonder what I did , why wasn’t I enough for him? So now today since he’s been gone I’m so so deeply hurting because he says he needs to figure this out on his own, figure out why he keeps hurting me and I get that but he still is with this other woman that he works with everyday and it kills me. She gets the benefit of my husband but I’m alone with my 2 grandsons that live with us and just feeling so much pain. He says he loves me but that is not stopping him from pursuing the co worker. I feel so so sad, humiliated, angry, lonely, confused , and just wanting some answers from him! Is a man really that cruel or is my husband that sick with so much bondage! I pray for him so much it hurts and I pray God will take care of all this. But in the mean time sometimes I hold my breath to not feel the pain!

    1. I’m so sorry to hear what’s happened. My partner of 14 years has/is being unfaithful. I found out two days before Xmas and the bottom dropped out of my world. You see it wasn’t the first time, plus all the secret online Instagram communications. The day I found this last one out I told him it was over. The conversation lasted two minutes with no pleading this time. Last year I caught him out and he begged me to stay, I’ll do anything to make this work he said. That’s how this time I knew it must end, he didn’t keep his word. Intellectually I know I did the right thing, emotionally I am overwrought with grief, second guessing whether I did the right thing and hysterical that I’m now alone. My forever man gone, I know I’ve done the only thing I could but my heart is broken.

      1. Carol W, I’m so sorry you are hurting ! My pain is enough it makes me sad that so many of us are in this situation. I hear you when you say intellectually you made the right decision but emotionally it feels completely different. I put my husband out he got angry, said I didn’t even give him the chance to talk to me. But the fear comes over you expecting to hear what you don’t want to hear so we react. I just would wish in all this he would figure this out WITHOUT the other woman. It’s like they need that bandaid to make them feel they are not that bad of a person. We know the other woman is saying everything they need to keep them going! But truly what is reality? I pray you get some peace in your soul and the answers you need for whatever is the best for your life! I know I would love it, this pain is horrible and very overwhelming!

        1. Thanks Angie, appreciate the helpful comment. I’m busy moving out of our house, selling furniture etc. Sadly my ex won’t even respond to emails asking him for info, I feel as if he’s turned this into my fault and is busy playing the victim! I’ll definitely get through this and am loved my many friends and family.

          Take care, peace and love.

          1. Never regret making that choice to not take him back. I took my husband back over 10 times within a year. This past weekend he told me he was ready to commit but after his child support hearing for this child he had with this girl, he decided he was not ready to commit, yet again. It seems as though these men have so much conflict within them but what they are really struggling with is greener grass. If they only knew that it was turf… Reading what everyone is going through is really helping me. the other woman is definitely telling my husband everything he needs to hear. when it is time to move on, its time to move on. I am now living with no regret. my choices are what gets me through this mess. I am making the choice to be happy, I am making the choice to stay away, and I am making the choice to start new.

    2. I first commented on here dec 31 and some days have gone by! I have ok days and then all of sudden something hits and it feels like it just happened all over again! I am really trying to be strong and get my worth in myself back but things keep happening that bring you right back to beginning. My husbands car is in driveway due to he took other one out the garage and of course what do I see in his car ! A box with the other woman’s name and address on it where she ordered him something and he left the box in there. I know it might sound small but dang my heart dropped again as if I just found out! I know he is with yes, but when it’s in your face it is really terrorizing to your soul! I started my day off in prayer and felt good and then I see this, I know it’s just the enemy trying to keep me thinking about them and wanting to make me feel unworthy, unloved , humiliated, angry and unforgiving but I’m trying really hard to strong and lean on God because at the end of the day HE is in control of ALL! I ask God how can my husband do such cruel things in my eyes because HE is the only one that knows my husbands heart and I sure can’t wait for an answer. This is just devastating because the love is still there for this man you just can’t erase 30 years of someone being connected to your soul! I read all these comments and pray always for all of us to get healing it’s just not right for us to be treated this way! I wonder what my husband would feel like if this happened to him! I wonder always, the biggest thing is he happy because evidently it wasn’t me that could fulfill it! When I do have to speak to him he sounds aggravated I don’t hear happiness in his voice so what’s the point of all this just to destroy an entire family and the woman that has stood beside him for all these years and this isn’t even the first infidelity ! So So So sad.

      1. So yesterday I saw my husband for first time in awhile. It was the hardest conversation I had. He asked me if I got what I wanted when I looked on his phone and saw he was cheating, of course I said NO! He said to me basicly this is what I get why hes not here in the home because I put his stuff in the car, I put him out. So naturally its my fault, he has no ownership in the fact he is with another woman hes just focused on me putting his stuff in his car. He also said in the past he told me if Im gonna look for something to be wrong he said why not just give it to me then, so he cheats WOW WOW WOW Im in such disbelief at his responses. So im the fault of him seeking woman for happiness, when every time my husband has never restored his family, its just bury it. I really had to pray so hard that I wasnt crazy hearing this because I would start believing Im to blame. HE IS SO ANGRY, BITTER, AND LOOKS SO UNCOMFORTABLE AND UNFORGIVING. It is so so hard to keep the voices out your head THAT YOU DIDNT DO THIS ITS NOT YOUR FAULT! I wonder all the time is this woman fulfilling him or making him happy? Im not understanding the rage because I am not having the affair he is!

      2. Hello Angie, I went through the same exact thing I was only married for 7 years with 2 kids a 5 year old and 1 year old. I found him cheating and kicked him out. I guess I was hoping he would try to make things right. That only made him get closer to her. He keeps telling me that she meant nothing before but with me kicking him out he was hurt and she was there. I beat myself up everyday asking myself what if I didn’t kick him out. It’s been 6 months and I am still walking around like a zombie. My ONLY reason for getting up in the mornings are my kids other than that I really think I would have gave up. I wish I could just take this pain away. I’m losing hope and feel like life is just not fair.

        1. Dear Laura. My heart breaks to hear you are so much pain. I want you to know that the decision your husband made when you put him out and my husband has nothing to do with us doing that act! Our husbands left us already when they decided to start up the affair think about that! My husband said that to me and I told him he had left the minute he decided to have an affair! He actually said TRUE! The one thing that is getting me through this mess is I am drowning myself in Jesus and the word of God! God WILL and has already taken care of all this pain and heartache we all are experiencing and it has already been solved! I don’t know your spiritual beliefs but hang on to that promise. I ask God everyday to help me to forgive my husband and the woman because you know why? When we do forgive we are releasing them to the Father for him to take care of this mess for us! Today in this world there is such an attack on families and marriages that it is insanity to me! After my last post I saw my husband again and it was like I was feeling sorry for him because he looked so sad and unhappy! Our husbands are not happy they are masking the pain that we forced them into their lie and they want to turn it back on us so they don’t have to face reality that they ruined there family for a fantasy, a fantasy that God is not going to honor! They belong to us they are our husbands. I feel that forgiveness will set us free from feeling captive to these thoughts and these other woman! Don’t give her that power NO don’t please!!!!! Don’t get me wrong it is a daily fight and I’m gonna fight and want you too with me to let these men see they did not break us! I have this quote on my phone it goes; God will put you back together and make you stronger right in front of the people who broke you❤️❤️❤️❤️ Let’s beleive that together let’s do it , let’s not give the enemy the power to destroy us and our family let’s do it!! I am trying to force myself to do a little something daily even if it’s just getting out of room and going into another room! So please with a deep heart of compassion for you and all of us on here let’s do it! Let’s see what God has in store for us only HE knows and it is going to be PERFECT !!!! With love and concern. Angie “When the time is right I the Lord will make it happen”. Isiah 60:22. “The pain that you’re feeling can’t compare to the Joy that is coming”. Romans 8:18

  117. all the seven steps gave me a better expect at looking at things I’m still really hurt I’m going to be hurt for a while because he also loves this woman and had a baby by her this past October 2018 and we tried to rekindle our marriage and it didn’t work and he left me again and went back to her again and I kept blaming myself but I know it’s not just me its hard because I have two young children and I’m striving and doing the best I can paying bills with a very high rent

  118. Yes ladies we would love for you to join the group. Please send a friend request to Alyx Renee Carpenter and she can add you to the group. We are all here for each other through this painful time.

    1. Hi Klae
      Could I please be added to the group on Facebook? I tried to add Alyx as a friend but the option wasn’t there. I didn’t send her a message but I’m unsure if she’ll receive it because it might go to her other folder instead of her inbox? I really need to talk to other women in my position, tell my story and get it off my chest. I’m struggling so much these days, since he left, nothing makes sense anymore and I can’t function properly. I need help.

  119. My husband of 5 years has told me yesterday boxing day he loves another and left me today. I’m totally numb and finiancally scared. We rent a place in his name all bills were paid by him, he says he will continue to pay for everything if not I’m homeless. I am a lot in debt paying for things we did together so I have no savings.
    He has left for a few days to clear his head but I don’t think he will return. We have a dog who I am having and my husband will take out for walkies etc every so often.
    I just need some advice on how to cope right now. I blame myself for letting us drift apart.

    1. T I am so sorry you are going through this. We all understand how you feel. Alyx creates a Facebook group and we are all on it supporting each other on a daily basis. She can add you too it if you would like. I was on the same situation as you 9 months ago… except I found out the hard way. My husband just ran and gave me no answers. He still supports us though. I never had to worry that way. Try and keep your head up. I know how hard this is and the pain you are feeling but it will get better with time. Don’t blame yourself. It is not your fault. They choose to not fight for your marriage and run into the arms of another. Right now you need to find yourself, love yourself and realize how amazing you truly are xx

    2. T my heart goes out to you.
      It’s so painful and raw for you right now.
      Lean on family and friends for support, go on line and read as much you can.
      It’s not just down to you to make a marriage work, who said it would be easy!,
      Join the FB group, it helps to know so many of us are in the same boat, and are really supportive to one another.
      Most of all be kind to yourself, seek counselling, see your Dr.
      Take care of yourself x

  120. My husband was a serial cheater through our 20 year marriage, and he eventually found one he was willing to leave me for. Both of them were married when they met. Now, less than a year after we filed foe divorce, they’re engaged. All over social media (which I should not look at, I know) she flaunts their many vacations, elaborate date nights, her huge engagement ring, and their new million dollar home. There is a reason she makes her social media public, and I’m sure it has to do with rubbing my and her ex-husband’s noses in their perfect relationship. My in laws accepted her immediately. People all around them are celebrating their happiness.

    I can’t help but think, what about me? I was a good wife. I was loyal. I gave him do-over after do-over. I put up with affairs, lies, and alcoholism. I listened to him cry over the pain that comes with being a first responder. Why am I being punished? Where’s this karma everyone swears will come along? Why has she received more love, attention, vacations, and gifts in the last year than I received in 20? Doesn’t help that she makes more money than I do and is 100 times more beautiful.

    With all that has happened, and given my age (48) it is virtually impossible to feel like there’s a happy life waiting for me.

  121. I have been married to the same man for 33 years. He cheated on me around 10 years ago and I took him back. He cheated on me again around 3 years ago after I broke my ankle and I could not be the wife he was use to. And now he left me for good. He is with a younger woman which she is skinny and seems to be carefree and just recently found out that he worked with her. When my daughter needed to leave her apartment she asked her dad to help her move but he told my daughter he could not since he doesn’t see his new girlfriend to much so I guess he put his new girlfriend first and not his own child. I see them at least twice a month together because he lives only 5 minutes from where I live. When I see them then it starts the grieving process all over again. How do I ever move on. Now that i am older I feel no one will want me because these older men are going after the younger ones to boost their self esteem to make them feel alive. I am all alone and is always asking the man above – why does my ex get to have someone to love and I have no one after what he has done to me. Always picturing them in my mind together.

    1. Sherry,

      I understand your pain and believe me their happiness will not last long. I have learnt that a woman who takes a cheating husband must be really broken inside. Dear Sherry, your husband will never find true love because a man who abbandones his family has a very serious problem with himself. How can it be love when based on betrayal, lies, selfishness and dishonesty? After so many years together I know you feel very alone. BUT there are persons out there who still have honesty in their hearts. You asked why did he find love? Sherry he didn‘t!!!!!! He lost the greatest blessing God gave him. He is the one who is completely lost! Please believe me, it is lust that he is gone for. Not love! Love has nothing to do with what he is now doing….. NEVER! He is living in the greatest illusion of his life! When the dust settles down he will realize what he has done…. What a terrible pain he will go through believe me. A woman who helps him cheat on his own family is made of pure selfishness….. a woman who is desperately empty inside!!! Please be strong! It takes time to heal but believe me, with Gods grace you WILL reach to the point where I am to-day. I feel blessed so much through Gods grace. I am living alone with my son and I feel so blessed of having him in my life. Be strong for your self and your beautiful daughter! You are the one with honesty and true love in your heart. Think this, when you look into your daughters eyes, do you feel shame and see loss of respekt in her eyes? NO WAY!!!! You will see lots of love and gratefullness, because she knows what a strong and wonderfull mother she has! What do you think how she wiill look upon her father? She sees half a man… that lost everything that was good, just for pure selfishness! Remember this, you are NEVER too old to find true love, because true love has no age, no rules of how old or young or skinny we are…. NO WAY true love sees the light you have inside of you….. and your light is so strong and so beautiful……..God bless you!!!!

      1. Rosa,

        I needed to read this today. It’s two years. I have moved forwarded but still don’t understand the cruelty and lies. He lives with her over a year now and doesn’t talk to me at all. After 26 years together, I never thought I see this from him.

        Thank you.

        1. My dear,

          take courage. My now ex husband is living with who knows who since a year too and since a few months does not even pay maintenance for his own son. It is so painful but so easy to see what they are going through. The more time goes by the grass seems less green and the perfect soul mate does not seem so perfect anymore. Now they decide to deny this and put their anger on their faithful spouse as if they are responsabile for their unhapiness. It’s so easy ! They try to show through their anger against us that they did the best decision of life and scold us like naughty children. All I say is poor soul! Think this……. if they were happy would they be so mean to us????? Try to turn the situation…. what if you were the one who left? If you were soooo in love and happy with your new partner why should you be a monster to others????Do you see what I mean? A person who is happy and in peace with one self does not need to be angry….. I know a fine man, who is so kind and fills me with so much appreciation and attention. Wow…. what a difference I see in him! He wants nothing in return from me but shows so much patience and loves just to be with me. I feel so good and peaceful with my self that if that fool of my ex husband will come with repentance… you know what I would do? Give him such a great hug with love and wish him truely all the best for his own future because I have learnt what true love is. I do admit, I still have deep feelings for my ex but not angry with him anymore! I truly wish the best for him because I am happy and in peace with myself. Do you know what I am trying to tell you? If your husband is truely happy then why does he react like a monster??? Very simple! He is not happy!!!!! A happy person CANNOT treat anyone badly….. absolutely no one. Please pray that God will guide you. Your husband is angry because the sin inside of him gives no peace. Goodness, honesty, self esteem and love has nothing to do with lies, cheating and deceiving. He is lost in sin, he lost all that is good inside of him. Do you now still ask your self why he is so mean to you? My ex husband denied who he is and let darkness in the moment he committed adultery! By comitting adultery he gave up his spirit of light. Can a person living with darkness inside be kind and understanding to others? Never. He SEEMS to be happy with the other woman because she is just as dark inside herself just like he is! You are full with light! Darkness hates light because the darkness knows….. the