The only thing worse than living without your soulmate is never having met one in the first place. You can’t lose a soulmate you never had. How do you live a good, full, happy life knowing you never met or married your soulmate? You never experienced “soulmate love.”
Here’s what a reader called Nicole said on How to Keep Going After Your Soulmate Dies:
“The only thing worse than living without your soulmate is never meeting your soulmate at all. I never met or married my soulmate. I am in a good marriage, my husband and I have been married for 25 years. We raised two beautiful daughters and have one grandchild. But now I am looking back on my life and wondering what choices I would make differently. One of my daughters is pursuing her dream of being a Doctors Without Borders doctor. The other has a degree in theology and is married to a missionary. They have a son and are living God’s calling. I’m happy for my daughters but unhappy that I never met my soulmate or married a kindred spirit.”
Perhaps you feel the same way as Nicole. Maybe you’re married to a good man, but he isn’t your soulmate. Or maybe you met your soulmate long ago, and lost him. Perhaps your soulmate died, or wasn’t even someone you wanted to marry. Maybe the people you’ve always been closest to were good friends, dear family members, or even beloved animal companions.
Can you learn how to be happy without a soulmate? If we define “soulmate love” as emotional connection, then yes! I believe we can be happy without meeting or marrying soulmates. But my answer isn’t the same for you, and there are no quick tips or hacks for living happily without your soulmate. Hopefully, my will help you see that you’re not alone. Maybe you’ll even feel a fresh ray of hope and peace as you move forward into your life.
How to Be Happy Without Finding a Soulmate
Here’s the rest of Nicole’s comment, which really resonates with me:
“I am only 50 years old and I feel like I never lived MY life, if you know what I mean. I married a good man but he’s not my soulmate. At this point in my life I know I’ll never find a soulmate. How do you live the second half of your life when you don’t know who you are? Can you be happy without finding a soulmate?”
I’m turning 50 soon and am wondering about the second half of my life, too. I wrote 5 Ways to Make the Second Half of Your Life Meaningful…and I’m learning that reflecting on the first half of life is a wise way to journey into the second. Further, coming to terms with the idea of never meeting or marrying your soulmate is an important part of both halves of life.
Learn the definition of a “soulmate”
What is a soulmate? According to the dictionary, a soulmate is someone you have a special — almost spiritual — connection with. A soulmate is someone you have an emotional connection and deep natural affinity with, someone you feel comfortable with. A soulmate understands you, and is on the same path physically, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. You are aligned with your soulmate…which is why losing your soulmate is devastating.
A soulmate doesn’t have to be a husband, wife, or intimate partner. It’s anyone you have an emotional connection with. One of my readers said his dog is his soulmate. Another says her grandmother was her soulmate — and she lost her grandma when she was 21 years old. Even then, she said, she know she would never meet another soulmate like her. A soulmate can be a good friend, sister, cousin, coworker, or even someone you met once or twice and have a long-distance connections with. Soulmates can be platonic (intimate but not sexual or even romantic).
Allow soulmate love to take different forms, sizes and shapes
In 9 Signs You Found the Lifetime Love of a Soulmate I quote Alan Wolfelt, author of When Your Soulmate Dies: A Guide to Healing Through Heroic Mourning. “Soulmates’ love is not only deep, it is daily. Most soulmates live in the same household, and their lives revolve around one another. They enjoy sharing the rituals of their daily lives, and even when they part four separate activities – for work or for individual hobbies, for example – they tend to keep tabs on one another throughout the day with phone calls or texting.”
I wrote that article a few years ago; now, I wouldn’t try to define soulmate love in such specific terms. You don’t have to live in the same household as your soulmate. You can have a deep, meaningful emotional connection with a man or woman you don’t live with — and that your life doesn’t revolve around! For instance, one of my dearest soulmates was a friend I knew when I lived in Africa for three years. She was a fellow teacher at the international school we both worked at. We live worlds apart now, but I will never forget her. She was a soulmate, a kindred spirit…and I will meet her again in the new heaven and earth.
Look past the idea that you never found a soulmate
When people search for a soulmate (or ways to be happy without meeting or marrying their soulmates), they’re yearning for emotional connection. They want to feel loved, cherished, valued and worthy. The reason What to Remember When You Feel Like No One Cares is always one of my most popular articles isn’t because people aren’t sad because they never met or married a soulmate. It’s because they feel unloved and unwanted.
Emotional connection in a relationship — soulmate love — affects how we feel about ourselves. When we feel loved, we see ourselves as lovable and worthy. We feel safe, cared for, supported…not alone or misunderstood. “This kind of connection is called secure attachment, where we see ourselves and others in a positive manner, and as a result, we feel safe and more confident to explore new things and face life’s challenges,” writes Judy Chu in Making Emotional Connections in Relationships on the Redeemer Counseling Services website. “Moreover, when we experience healthy emotional connection in our relationships, we will have more empathy for others, more patience for differences, and greater tolerance for our own faults and negative feelings.”
Seek emotional connection — not necessarily “soulmate love”
If you obsessively focus on the thought that you never met or married your soulmate, you’re allowing your expectations to rule your thinking. You’re allowing yourself to believe in the myth of perfect love, soulmates living happily ever after forever, and Hollywood endings. You’re buying into the lie that finding your soulmate guarantees a happy life. And when you allow yourself to think these thoughts and believe these lies, you rob yourself of the chance of true joy and peace. You disempower yourself.
Instead of yearning for the soulmate you never met or married, become more aware of the people you already feel an emotional connection with. Maybe you feel most connected to animals! Many people feel stronger bonds with animals — dogs, cats, horses, birds — than people. Animals can be soulmates or kindred spirits…and perhaps in some mysterious way, they are actually part of us. Build on the emotional connections you already have.
If you haven’t met a kindred spirit or soulmate of any kind yet, consider joining a different type of group. In Do You See What I See? Echoes of Pleasure I describe how joining a contemplative prayer group changed my life.
Are you married to someone who isn’t your soulmate? Read Emotional Disconnection in Marriage – How to Feel Less Alone.
In peace and passion,