These five “core needs” will help you get through a breakup — even if you’ve been sad and miserable for months. You may already have done the most important thing, which is to simply say “I need help getting through this breakup.” Admitting that you need help, you need something different or better to help you through a breakup, is called the first step for a reason.
I’m not going to tell you to look on the bright side of the breakup or focus on positive ways to deal with breakup stress. I won’t tell you that your relationship failed for good reasons, and in the long run — when your tears have dried up and your broken heart has healed — you will actually be relieved about or even grateful for breaking up.
Nor will I give you a list of things to remember when you miss your boyfriend. You’ve already searched for breakup help and tips getting over a man you love. You already have enough information from your family and friends. Instead, these five things you need to help you through the breakup will change how you think and feel about yourself. And that, in turn, will help you heal and move forward into a bright, fresh new season of life.
I found these five core needs in a family magazine. The article was written by a Christian psychologist whose goal was to help parents cope with brokenhearted children. As soon as I saw those core needs I realized they were exactly what we — adult women whose hearts are hurt — need to help us get through a bad breakup or difficult divorce! And I knew I had to share them with you.
5 “Core Needs” to Help You Get Through a Breakup
These five core needs will help heal your heart and lift your spirits. It may be painful or even scary to face the truth — especially since you’re already hurt because you’re going through a breakup — but if you take time to consider my questions you will grow forward.
Don’t underestimate the importance of writing. Expressing your thoughts and emotions in writing can help you get through a breakup because it forces you to slow down. Most of the time you don’t even know what you think or how you feel until you write it down. So, I encourage you to write your answers to the questions I ask. You can share your thoughts in the comments section, though I think writing (or printing, which is what I do) by hand is better. Hand writing has a different effect on your brain.
That said, however, you can simply think about these five things you need to get through a breakup. Thinking is good, too 🙂
1. You need security — who can you trust?
This core need isn’t just about getting through a breakup, it’s about nurturing trusting relationships with friends and family members for all seasons of your life. Learning who you can trust is important when you’re wounded emotionally or physically. Even more important is being a trustworthy person so others can rely on you when they need help getting through their own breakups, divorces, or losses. Who do you depend on? Can you trust your friends or family to own their mistakes, apologize, and ask for forgiveness? Who was there to help you get through your breakup? If you feel like you have nobody you can trust in your life, now this is the time to start fresh.
2. You need belonging — who accepts you?
You need to know that people believe in you and accept you for you are. After a breakup, you’re especially vulnerable and sad. This is when you really need to rely on your friends and family to accept you no matter what. This doesn’t mean they’ll support every choice you make or let you self-destruct instead of getting the help you need to get through the breakup. Your true friends and family will be honest with you. They’ll help you see the reality of your life — including the reasons your relationship failed and perhaps even the best way through the worst part of the breakup. Now may the perfect time to look for true friends who listen, show compassion, and love you for who you are.
3. You need aptitude — what are you good at?
Accepting a breakup you didn’t want is easier when you’re good at your job, passionate about your recreational activities, or working with your strengths at home or in the community. What do you do well? Just as importantly, how are you using your strengths to improve your little pocket of the world? If you need help getting through a breakup, you may feel like you’re not good at anything. Maybe your self-esteem or self-image took a blow. Maybe you even feel like you’re the worst, most unlovable person in the world. This may not be the best time to try new things…or maybe it’s the perfect time!
4. You need self-identity — who are you?
Figuring out who you are can be tough after you break up with someone you love — especially if your relationship was long-lasting or the breakup was unexpected. You may have lost yourself in the relationship, and now need time and energy to recreate your self-identity. Focusing on rebuilding yourself and rediscovering your passions will help you get through this breakup. If you don’t have a strong sense of self-identity you’ll fall into bad habits with the wrong people. You may even start an unhealthy or even abusive relationship because you don’t know who you are or what you want. A strong sense of identity will help you get through not only a breakup, but anything painful in life.
5. You need purpose — why are you alive?
Ah, my favorite questions! What are we doing here, why were we created, who are we, and where are we going? I used to struggle with these questions a lot. I still do, but much less because my self-identity is built on Jesus Christ. I not only believe in God, I follow Jesus and spend time soaking up the presence of the Holy Spirit. God gives my life meaning…and I’m beginning to believe that my purpose is to empty myself into my writing to help people who are suffering.
What is your purpose in life? Thinking about this might help you get through a breakup that destroyed your sense of self. If you no longer know what you think or believe about yourself, now is the time to re-evaluate your life. Breaking up with someone you love is one of the most painful experiences you’ll ever face…but it doesn’t have to destroy you.
In fact, a breakup can help you grow bigger, bolder, and more beautiful in every way. Getting through this breakup can change your life in ways you never expected! But before all that can happen, you need to learn how to let go of someone you love.
What do you think, how do you feel? Your big and little comments are welcome below.
With His love,
P.S. Are you missing someone or something more than you thought possible? Read 4 Meaningful Ways to Hold on to Hope When You’re Lonely.
Is your relationship in trouble? Get 7 Steps to Fixing Your Marriage from relationship coach Mort Fertel. It's free and helpful, no strings attached.
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