Whether you’re coping with a breakup or a temporary separation, surviving “no contact” in a relationship feels terrible. These tips will help you find hope and healing, peace and rest. I gathered both practical and emotional strategies for living without contacting someone you love.
The first tip is from a woman who made the painful decision not to have any contact with a man she fell in love with. Her story is a little more unusual, because she was having an affair with a man who was married. In her comment below she doesn’t say if he broke up with her or she broke up with him, but she advises women to stick with a “no contact” rule in a relationship – no matter how painful it is.
“My advice is break it off before he does,” says Stephanie in How to Break Up With a Married Man and Heal Your Heart. “No contact in a relationship feels awful, I felt stupid and used. Like a cliche. But having ‘no contact’ in a relationship has helped me so much. I’m no longer crying every day. I am moving on. I am dating single men that can actually take me out to dinner. The man I has having an affair with only took me to dinner 3 times in 5 months. It was ridiculous what I was willing to settle for. Yes, there are days when I miss him but because it’s absolutely no contact, but the intensity is diminishing. I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel happy most days and I love dating men that want to be seen with me. I’m not going to have sex until I’m in a committed relationship and am setting healthy boundaries.”
Stephanie also encourages women to read Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl by Natalie Lue. I’ll link to this books at the end of this article, so you can learn more about them. First, though, here are several ways to survive no contact when you’re in a relationship with someone you love…
How to Survive “No Contact” in a Relationship
One of my favorite ways to survive anything in life is to think of it as a season. You aren’t Blossoming in this season of your life, but you are gaining strength and energy for your future.
You will get through this, and you will feel happy and healthy again!
It just takes time.
Know that your pain and heartache will fade
As Stephanie says, the intensity of a painful “no contact” decision does diminish with time. It hurts at first because you’re used to having him in your life, and your hopes and dreams revolved around this relationship. Maybe you were even married to him, maybe you have children together. Not having contact with a man you loved – or even who you still love – is like a dagger in your heart.
But, this, too, will pass. You will learn how to live without the man you love – and you may even be happier once the grief and pain fades. Hold on to the fact that hearts heal, wounds close, and spirits are revived. Have faith, and believe that your joy will return in the morning.
Find healthy distractions when you feel sad and lonely
I found a helpful tip for surviving no contact after a breakup in the same article that Stephanie commented on: find a supportive online forum to participate in. For example, Angelina said she copes with the pain of not seeing the guy she loves by coming here to Blossom. She writes about how she’s feeling, she reads comments from other women who are surviving “no contact” in a relationship, and she feels better.
Writing can be a healthy way to distract yourself from heartbreak. It can also hold you back, though! If you find yourself writing – or talking – all the time about the breakup, the man you lost, or how terrible you feel, then you’ll only prolong your pain. You aren’t focused on healing; you’re dwelling on the pain of your loss.
And that won’t help you heal.
Think about things that are true, good, and healing
When I find myself dwelling on the painful things from my past, I shift my thoughts to the love, grace, and light of the Holy Spirit. I don’t try to stop thinking about unhealthy or sad things, I simply refocus my thoughts on things that fill me with love, peace, power, and strength.
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Where do you find hope and healing, love and life? How has God protected and sheltered you in the past? How has He healed you, strengthened you, loved you? When you’re struggling with the pain of not contacting someone you love, you need to shift your thoughts. Your emotions will follow and you will feel better – but only if you refocus your thoughts on things that are good, true, beautiful, and healing.
Allow periods of pain and brokenness
We suffer. Relationships can be painful, life is hard, and love hurts. The downside of loving anyone is the pain of loss and broken relationships. The grief you feel is awful…but the only way to heal is to keep going through the darkness. Allow yourself to sink into it – and hold on to the anchor of Jesus. His love and power is the only way you’ll survive this season intact.
The best way to heal from a breakup is to be firm about the “no contact” rule. It’s like a Band Aid that is ripped off – the pain is excruciating at first, but if you focus on healing emotionally and spiritually, your suffering won’t be for nothing.
Keep trying until you discover what works for you
Me, I cling to God. I believe in Jesus and I have felt His comfort, peace, and strength. I find His presence more healing and helpful than online forums, relationship blogs, or even books about surviving “no contact” after a breakup.
What works for you? Some women listen to breakup songs that help them let go of someone they love. Other women write poetry or talk to their girlfriends or even travel. Many women find unhealthier ways to survive without contacting their boyfriends or husbands, such as eating, shopping, drinking, gambling, or even self-harming.
Have you tried several strategies for coping with a “no contact” rule, or none? Feel free to share what does and doesn’t work for you. I’d love to hear from you in the comments section below! Your voice matters, and so does your pain.
While I can’t offer advice, I do read every comment. I encourage you to respond to other readers’ comments if you feel led, and to share your experience. Writing often brings clarity and insight, and can help you process your feelings.
Resources for Surviving Without Contact in a Relationship
In Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl: The Definitive Guide to Understanding Emotionally Unavailable Men and the Women that Love Them, Natalie Lue describes the relationship between emotionally unavailable men and the women who love them. She explains how and why some men make promises but don’t keep them, aren’t able to commit to a relationship, and even use women.
The more you learn how and why you get involved with men who aren’t emotionally available, the faster you’ll survive a “no contact” rule in a relationship – whether or not you initiated the decision to break up.
In How to Let Go of Someone You Love: 3 Powerful Secrets (and 75 Tips!) for Healing Your Heart, I share what I learned about letting go of the past and moving forward in love, light, and life.
I interviewed relationship experts and grief counselors to find the best tips for moving on without contact in a relationship, and I share everything I learned in this concise, easy-to-read guide.
If you find yourself wanting to break the “no contact” rule, read How to Be Strong About Not Getting Back Together.
May you find hope and healing, life and light. May you accept this season of your life for what it is, and may you find new joy and faith in Jesus!
And may you be filled with the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding.
Your thoughts are welcome below! I don't give advice, but you can get free relationship help from marriage coach Mort Fertel.