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5 Ways to Stop Wanting Him Back After the Breakup

The breakup had to happen, yet it breaks your heart. You can’t stop wanting him back! These tips will help you move forward without your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband, and inspire you to walk into a new season of life.

After a breakup or divorce, you can’t just merrily move on with your life. Unfortunately, it takes time and effort to learn how to stop wanting him back – even when you know the relationship wasn’t good for you. Your heart needs time to heal, and these tips will help you.

The Blossom Tips in this article are inspired by a reader’s comment. “I can’t stop thinking, hurting, and wanting my ex-boyfriend back,” says Indira in response to How to Overcome Depressed Feelings After a Breakup. “This emotional state is paralyzing me. I feel like I am obsessed, I miss him, I can’t stop wanting to see signs that my ex wants me back. I tell myself this breakup was meant to be and we can’t be together. But even though my head knows our relationship is over, my heart wants to be with him. How do I stop wanting him back?”


My “She Blossoms” articles — especially the ones about healing your heart after a breakup — are divided into five different categories. This ensures I cover the whole spectrum: Spirit, Heart, Soul, Body, and Brain. And, the separate Blossom Tips help you identify which works best for you.

5 Ways to Stop Wanting Him Back

One of the most important things to ask yourself is, “What usually works for me?”

For example, if you’re often comforted by your friendships, then you need to reach out to loved ones for support. If you’re more of a cerebral woman, then you’ll find it helpful to change your thinking about how to stop wanting him back after a breakup. If you’re a woman of faith, you’ll find healing and peace in your relationship with Jesus.

There is no one right tip on how to stop wanting an ex-boyfriend or ex-husband back after a breakup. But, these ideas will help you find what might work for you…

1. Spirit – Set your heart on unfailing love

Sometimes a woman can fall into the trap of believing that a man — whether he’s a husband she’s been married to for 45 years or a new boyfriend she’s madly in love with — is the only purpose in life.

How to Stop Wanting Him Back After a BreakupSometimes, women set their hearts on men and relationships. They expect husbands and boyfriends to make them happy; they forget that husbands and boyfriends aren’t just prone to normal human weaknesses and failures, they’re also candidates for disease and death.

The healthiest tip on how to stop wanting him back after a breakup, divorce or even death is to set your heart on a love and peace that never fails. No human can offer the joy, freedom, peace and love of Jesus. If your heart is set on God’s love, then you’ll find it easier to stop wanting your ex back after a breakup.

Note that I didn’t say faith makes loss or life easy! Just easier.

2. Heart – Accept the misty shadows of grief

This loss will always be with you. There is no “getting over a breakup” when it comes to losing love. You gave your heart to your boyfriend or husband, and now all you can think about is how much you miss him.

After losing or breaking up with someone you love, your heart will always feel the misty shadows of grief. You’ll always miss him — and this is normal, because you loved him! You gave him your heart, and your heart will never be the same. But, you will stop wanting him back if you focus on healing and moving forward. You will learn how to stop wanting your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband back in your life if you find the balance between grieving and healing.

3. Soul – Get it out of your head

Do you write in a journal? Get it all out. Spill your guts on the page, all those heartbreaking emotions and obsessive thoughts and crazy dreams of getting back together with your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband event hough you know it’s unhealthy or even impossible.

Write about how you feel and why you’re struggling with these feelings of wanting him back. If you’re more artistically inclined, get out your crayons or oil paints, glues and glitter guns. Creating something that represents your feelings will help you express those tangled emotions, which will help you heal. And with healing brings freedom from wanting him back after a breakup!


4. Body – Shock your system with a shower!

My most recent and interesting physical tip on how to stop wanting your ex back is to take a cold shower! The shock to your system will jolt you out of the pit of despair, the cold water will take your breath away, and the soap and shampoo will symbolize your journey into a new season of life.

Just try it. The next time you’re struggling with those overwhelming feelings (I want him back, I can’t go on without him), plan a physical gesture that will give you hope for a new beginning when you don’t want to be alone. If you’re like me and hate the idea of a cold shower, plan a different activity. It should be something that shocks your system, though. The shock will remind you that you are growing forward, and that you will stop wanting him back.

5. Brain – Analyze why you want him back

A cognitive tip on how to stop wanting your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband back is to analyze your feelings in writing. If you keep going round and round in your head, you won’t move forward. An intellectual approach is to learn how to stop wanting him back by answering these questions:

  • What do I miss most about him? About being a couple?
  • What would it feel like to stop wanting him back?
  • How have I coped with breakups in the past?
  • Why do I want him back so bad? What does he offer that I’m missing?
  • What am I not willing to do to change?
  • If I prayed about this, what would I say?

Feel free to share your answers in the comments section below. Sometimes it helps to know someone is actually reading your words. Writing for others can sharpen your thinking and clarify your sentences, which will help you see why you can’t seem to stop wanting your ex back after a breakup.

One final tip on how to stop wanting him back…

How to Stop Wanting Him BackIf you’re obsessed with your ex, read Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts: A CBT-Based Guide to Getting Over Frightening, Obsessive, or Disturbing Thoughts.

In this book, Sally M. Winston and Martin N. Seif offer proven-effective cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) skills to help you get unstuck from disturbing thoughts, overcome the shame these thoughts can bring, and reduce your anxiety. While this book isn’t focused solely on “how to stop wanting him back”, it can change your life.

Your are not your thoughts. Don’t let them control you — especially if they’re creating anxiety, pain, depression and hopelessness in your life.

You’ve already started recovering from the pain of the breakup. Simply searching for tips on how to stop wanting him back after a breakup is a step towards healing! It’s time to reroot your faith in God and walk forward into a new season of life.

Here’s another article that may help: When You Miss Him Like Crazy.

What do you think about my tips on how to stop wanting him back after a breakup? Your thoughts – big and little – are welcome below! I read every comment, but don’t worry: I won’t give advice or tell you what to do. It’s your turn to talk.

May you Blossom into who God created you to be.


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37 thoughts on “5 Ways to Stop Wanting Him Back After the Breakup”

  1. I reread these messages in hopes it will give me the strength I need to block him, to let him go but I can’t. I want to so bad because I know this relationship isn’t healthy and it’s not going anywhere. I’ve been with my mm for 13 years. He was my first boyfriend when we were just teenagers. We were each other’s first for everything. I moved away we got back together in our late teens and it didn’t work out again. 10 years later we run into each other and we pick up like it hadn’t been 10 years. Only thing different is he’s married and I’m divorced. We started only seeing each other every few weeks now we see each other almost everyday. We talk and text daily. He comes over after work almost everyday. He’s literally my best friend. We have tried breaking it off many times and we give in after 2 days. I know I deserve so much better. But I can’t imagine just letting go of him. He helps around my house as if he lived there. He’s with me and my kids for our birthdays. Comes over for dinner. He never stays the night of course. He’s only over for hours at a time. I divorced my husband 17 years ago and of those 17 yrs I’ve had my mm around 13 years. It’s like I’m single at least to the world I am but I’m not. Or am I? My kids have been around him the last year or so and some of my family members have met him. Having my family involved makes it so hard. They have expectations that we can’t fulfill. They want to know why we haven’t moved in together or when is the wedding. Those questions from my family kill me. Because I know it will never happen. He won’t leave and I know by him telling me he can’t leave his wife because of he kids is bull. I know if he truly wanted to be with me he would be, right? 13 years is so long I don’t know how I’ve done this to myself for so long. I told him I can’t do another holiday season and not be together. The holidays just kill me. I’m so strong but yet so weak to do what I know I need to do.

  2. In February of this year my father died and 2 days after I started chatting to a MM on a blogging site. We were both lonely and vulnerable and we began chatting continuously. He supported me through Dad’s death and I am grateful for that. We didn’t meet for 7 weeks after our first chat as he lived 3 hours away. It was obvious to both of us that the connection was based on regular conversation, emotional and occasionally physical intimacy.
    3 weeks ago his wife discovered the messages so it is over. I loved him very much and it has been hard, I’ve deleted photos and messages and he has blocked me on FB and the blogging site, so NC is a reality. I know I will get over this because I deserve better, but the emotional roller-coaster I’m on right now is very difficult. I’m sleeping, eating and exercising, but I have an analytical brain that won’t shut up about him. I know it wouldn’t have worked longterm but I’m impatient to get over him and find a good man.

  3. Daisy you posted August 5, 2018. Are you still with your mm? Everything you wrote in your post was like me reading my own story my own feelings. I’ve been with my mm for 13 years. It’s been off and on but the last 5 years have been pretty steadily on. He’s my best friend and I don’t know how to let him go. We’ve had many discussions about stopping this but we both can’t. Has anyone on here stayed just friends with their mm? Or is that to hard? My heart breaks each time he leaves. I get so lonely and sad. I tell myself how did you get here? Why do you do this to yourself? I cry all the time because I love him but I know we’ll never be together like a real couple. He recently told me about a month ago that he can’t leave cause of his kids. He wants to but he can’t. Isn’t that what they all say! I was holding on to that one percent chance that maybe he would leave. But actually hearing him tell me with tears in his eyes that he can’t broke me to pieces. I’ve tried pulling back a bit putting some distract between us. But it’s hard to lose your best friend. We talked and texted everyday. How does one go from talking everyday to no communication? I can’t do it. We can’t do it. We’ve tried and failed. How do I find the strength to do it? I know it’s wrong on so many levels and I probably deserve this heartache.

  4. No Name, I went through the same thing. It’s hard especially in the beginning, but much better later. You realize one day that you got your power back, and it feels very liberating. All of a sudden I saw how many times I was just used. I know he loved me, and maybe still does, but somehow I don’t care anymore. I love myself. Grieving alone is hard, I opened up to my friend and she was very supportive and it really helped, but I also was journaling. When I stoped contacting him, I saw how imperfect really our relationship was. How much I was giving, and it was always conditioned from his part. I also realized how weak men are…he wanted safety of his home and wanted excitement that I was giving him, and wasn’t ready to make a choice.
    Love yourself, nourish yourself, because no man on earth ever can take you away from yourself. Hugs to you.

  5. Tomorrow is it. I posted back on Sept 29, 2018 under No Name. Been communicating in secret since Feb 2017, crossed the lines in May 2018 and still at it. He’s broken it off before, I have also, and now he’s back at trying to do right by his marriage. I told him that I deserve better than to be treated like a yo-yo and that it was his loss because I was always supportive and encouraging to him. He said he regrets nothing, loves being with me, that this hurts him and is very difficult for him to do. At the same time he says he needs my help and that this friendship is very important to him. I told him that I think he’s afraid of feeling more than he wants. But, I see selfishness in him that I don’t like. Meanwhile my husband is trying so hard to make us work. And we have a child. Both parties do. I feel so sad and alone because I must grieve in secret. I must grieve the loss of a friendship that should’ve never crossed the line. And I have to get it together for my sake. How does one grieve what one should never have had? It’s not like one can cry on anyone’s shoulder because society judges you as evil and immoral. I know this isn’t me. I know I’m better than this and deserve more than this. Tomorrow we’re supposed to meet to say bye to the physical part one last time. He thinks I’ll always be there for him. He doesn’t realize that for me, tomorrow is goodbye to everything. And God forgive me, but for me, tomorrow is about me taking control and saying bye on my terms, not his. He will have to live with what he is letting go. And I will have to live with losing one of my best friends, and work at reconnecting with my husband so he can go back to being my best friend as it should be.

  6. My ex-MM committed suicide 2 weeks ago today. Needless to say, this is devastating. I am grieving, oscillating between all of the stages. Today, I am in the, “he was a narcissist and you knew that, let it go,” stage, but yesterday, I was consumed with longing for my “soulmate.”
    Please let me tell you our story. We met online. We were both married (I’m still married, have done full disclosure and we are doing well in counseling). Within 2 weeks, ex-MM proclaimed love. Red flag, but I believed I could handle it, not take it seriously. By month 3, I was completely consumed in the fog/fantasy and accidentally blurted out “husband” to him once. He loved it, said he also thought of me as his wife, etc.
    The sex was, by both accounts, phenomenal – his word. It felt like stars aligning. Cosmic. Otherworldly. The best I have ever experienced and will ever, I am sure.
    Devaluation (narcissism) began slowly and almost imperceptibly. Nothing major, just distance and a sense, on my part, things had changed.
    I dumped. He pursued. We rekindled. He told me they were divorcing. I dumped. He pursued. I resisted. I was nearing the point of fully calling it quits when he firat attempted suicide.
    I listened, was understanding, tried to get him to see someone, even my therapist was open to him coming. But he would not.
    His pursuit heightened. He pulled out all the atopa, love bombing me once again. Finally, he took me to his house (wife had moved out). He made me meet his son (I didn’t want to, I was trying to end it).
    4 days later, he discarded me. Harsh and cold. No explanation. I raged at him verbally, felt completely devastated and finally gave up.
    He dated someone new for 8 months. I tried and repeatedly failed at No Contact. Also was worried about his mental health. About 2 months ago, he tells me he attempted suicide again. Full of anger and completely distrustful, wary of manipulation, I cautiously supported him. He seemed to have tuened a corner. Tried again to hoover, and I went no contact for real this time.
    One day, curious, about 1 week ago, googled his name. I found his obit. Them his daughter’s social media post. It was suicide.
    So many confuaing emotions arise from a relationship with a narcissist, and then again from a suicide death. It has been a roller coaster. I miss and also abhor him. I feel intense pangs of “love” and also regret, guilt, shame. Sometimez, relief and humor.
    Support from all of you is greatly appreciated!

  7. I just ended a relationship that was with a married guy. It literally absorbing all of my time. I know there are others, even though he denies. You feel like a frigging yo-yo. It’s like being toyed with. What really gets me, is he always wants to text right under his wife’s nose. That really bothers my conscience. We almost went to lovemaking mode, but I couldn’t go through with it. I ended our conversations yesterday because I know this relationship will never work. I am amazed at how many women are dealing with these types of me.

  8. Hi Sasha, he was able to get a message to me as I unblocked him once cause I just wanted to know if he was leaving me alone. There was a good night last night and a good morning beautiful this morning. I said nothing. Then this afternoon he texts please give him 2 weeks to file for his divorce. To please give him this chance to prove his love for us. For some reason I was furious! I texted him back after all this time? I said please do NOT get this divorce BECAUSE of me. He has to to this for himself. Then he freaking said, so does that mean even if I get the divorce, we might not be together? I told him do not put this on me. That I don’t know how I will feel if he actually goes thru with it. He responded with I love you.

    Are you kidding me? After all this time, I really call it quits, I’m done, over 2 years and seems like he’s been testing me or something! I’m so pissed.

    I need a drink now. Hugs! Kathy

  9. I know what you mean by draining. It’s exactly that. Deep inside we know it’s bad for us, but can’t stop. We need out fix. My thought will be keep him blocked. The thing that I learned is that they need us just as we need them. It’s all energy and they want to feel our love. When we stop contacting them it starts hiting them hard also. What is helping me is to keep reminding myself that I worth more than what he was giving me. Well I’m married also, my marriage is just one sided and I’m on my own it is, but I’m not trying to justify my affair. I also really love the book by Helen Mia Harris about no contact rule. It’s ebook, and it has very good points in it. When I feel weak, I reread it, and keeps me grounded and strong. The hard part for me is that we have unavoidable meetings once a week, sometimes twice. I can skip maybe one or two, but will have to attend them or I will be in trouble. And knowing that he still has feelings for me makes it hard. Anyway, I will keep you in my prayers and I do hope we all will be emotionally well.

  10. Sasha*, thank you so much! The back and forth stuff was draining me. I kept telling him one day I would walk away and never look back. He kept chipping away at my heart, at my trust, at my inner peace, and now I just feel angry and want him to leave me alone. I did unblock him this afternoon and he sent one text saying that having someone ignore you that you love is so hurtful, but he still loved me. I just blocked him again and didn’t say anything. If I say anything then he will keep up the sad conversation. I got my apartment key back last week too. I don’t know what I want anymore. I just don’t want this anymore.

  11. Kathy, I’m very happy for you. Stay strong. I’m myself recovering, and will be praying for you for sure. The main thing is do not to repeat the cycle. My relationship was on and off, and I always was taking him back. I do understand that you love him, and it’s fine to love him, but not to the cost of your own inner peace and self respect. I’m in the healing process, and grief still comes in waves especially knowing that both of us deeply love each other, but it’s ok. True love if it’s true is lasting and if it meant to be it will be no matter how young you are. If you ever need a shoulder or support,please feel free to email me. nan-2s@yandex.ru I will be happy to support you.

  12. I finally did it! I broke up and blocked him. It’s so hard because he’s heartbroken and keeps saying I’m his first real relationship even though he’s still married for over 30 years to a woman he says he can’t stand and can’t stand him. But for the 2-1/2 years we’ve been seeing each he’s not left, they supposedly live in separate rooms in the big house, which he keeps telling me over and over that he hasn’t touched her in years! But we hook up, have fast food or go out, usually after he gets off work, then he never, I repeat NEVER spends the night with me! He has to get up around 3am to get home to feed the cat, get a shower and meet on a conf call with his partner for work. Weekends always suck. I always end up waiting for him cause he HAS to mow his lawn so the HOA wont get after him. He ends up getting to me late afternoon and I’m usually pissed cause he doesn’t answer phone calls or he left his phone in his truck, etc. When I get tired of it and break it off he is amazing with poetry, love notes, promises, and all the memories. He was my first boyfriend 40 years ago when I was too young. He went in the Marines and I wrote him letters for years. Turns out he has kept every single letter from my innocent 14 yr old self writing love letters to him all these 40 years! I loved the sweetness of that! My 26 long year marriage of neglect and emotional abuse I ended shortly before we reconnected. It seemed like destiny that we found each other again!! I believed everything he told me. I fell in love with all that we both wanted in life but never had. BUT ladies, he still NEVER LEFT HIS WIFE! I was still the other woman! I deserve better and I am a child and woman of zGOD! He did NOT create me to be anyones second best, number 2, and NOT treated as perfect Royalty! After this I will not settle for anything less. I made it clear to him that I won’t be treated like this. Then he’s so dumb that he asks if we can still meet for dinner and can he still call me!! This morning he text me that I must be mad at him that I’m not talking to him, he was confused. I replied that I did not hate him and there should be nothing to be confused about. I made myself very clear. I would not meet him for occasional dinners, have phone calls or anything else. This is over. Then I blocked him. Please pray for me that I will continue to lean on the Lord and my mom. And and support from you sweet ladies. I’m 56 years young and really fell in love with this man and still love him. I must stay strong and learn to love myself and move forward. There is someone else out there for me.

  13. Kathy, it’s painful. I’m encouraging you to cut the communication with him. The longer you keep being with him, the longer pain will last. It’s hard, believe me, I know, but it is possible. Love to you.

  14. I am getting out of 2 years relationship with MM. I’m also married. We do love each other, but sometimes love is not enough. It is painful in so many levels, but deep inside we all know that it’s not good for us and must end.
    Our relationship was on and off one, and as I look at this now, very unhealthy. We did give each other what we lacked in our marriages, but the realization that we can’t be open, we can’t show our feelings, is very strong. We had our last talk, told each other about our feelings and decided to move on. He wants to be a godly man, and I respect it. I want to be a better wife and mother. I know deep inside that I will always love him and he will love me, but right now us is not going to happen. We cut our communication, deleted apps that kept us connected. We have meetings once a week, sometimes twice that will be hard to avoid, but I will try for my own good, and will keep distance. I’m following no contact and going to stick to this, it’s easier now since all the lines of communication are broken. No temptation, no coming back. We do have to chose what’s important and good for us at the end. Every comment here is full of pain, but it’s possible to heal. I tell it to myself. I also know that if something meant to be, it always will be. I want to encourage every hurting soul here to realize that we deserve more than to be an option, we deserve to be a priority. I keep telling it to myself and it helps. Please, be strong to cut the ties with MM. I’m married myself, but I did fall in love with one. But I’m not a victim, I know i gave my love to him, and he loved me also, but like I said sometimes love is not enough. He is trying to do what God wants him to do, and I love that about him and respect it.
    For those of you, who aren’t married, but dating a MM. Please, stop that because it’s someone free and special awaiting for you there. My love and my broken heart goes to all of us. Deep inside I know it was all for a reason, life’s lesson, but I’m letting go and surrendering. I told him Good bye and he said, see you soon, but I repeated good bye, he didn’t realize it fully just yet, but it is a time when good bye has more hope and promise for me than see u soon. I did close the door, and I lost a key. Love to you all.

  15. Hi Elena, thank you for sharing your story. I’m going through a final break up with my MM. Our situations are very alike, except I’m married also. It was going on for 2 years now. On and off by mostly his choice. I finally had enough. It were always conditions from him, like don’t text at home, don’t do this, that, but I somehow had to be always available for him. I know what you are going through. Finally told him it is over, he still asked me to be his friend and keep loving him, but it’s just a gap he wants to have to come back. I’m sticking to no contact and will try to avoid him, which is hard because we have socials together with our families. I’m empty emotionally. Cried it all out, but decided to stay strong. I’m not sure he won’t try to come back. But I want to do what’s good for me, and I wish you the same. Believe me, I was in this yoyo relationship and it’s not healthy. I did confront him with that and told him that I’m tired of his on and off, of his want to be with me and guilt afterwards. It’s better for the two of us. I want to be free from that. Your comment only confirmed to me that I am on a right track. I wish you the best. It’s hard to let go, but sometimes it’s the best thing we can do for ourselves.

  16. Help please!! We saw each other last night. It was nice but he left like always around 11pm cause he had a busy day today at work. I’m ready to end it after reading all these amazing articles that really hit me hard. But he’s so wonderful and I hate this! I asked him if he could meet me for a drink. He’s across town and said sure but suspects it’s bad news cause this isn’t my first break up with him! Should I do it now or wait? He said he had the worst day ever too. UGH

  17. My story is different yet exactly the same. I have been friends with my MM for about 11 years. He and his wife were part of our group of friends so I know her also. She is a raging alcoholic, and we all have known this for many years. She was always the sloppy drunk that either fell and got hurt or caused a scene at BBQ’s or dinners at friend’s houses. I really didn’t even know how bad she actually was as I saw her only socially. About 8 years ago I was involved with a man that was also a horrible alcoholic, which of course I thought I could “save”. Went through hell for a couple of years where I hid from all my friends so they would not worry. Finally got out of that situation and ran into MM and we started chatting about how dealing with an alcoholic was SO hard, he did not know what had been going on with me as I was too embarrassed to let anyone in our group know till it was over. We bonded…..I knew exactly what he was going through and he knew what I had gone through….and the connection started. Honestly the last 4 years have been wonderful, minus the GUILT I have and knowing that he always goes home to her. Holidays put me in a horrible funk as they are still center around their family, which I get. He has an adult son and we have sat down with him and talked to him about what is going on. I think he understands. I know my MM loves me and I love him. I also know he is NEVER going to leave her. He has told me this, I get it. He cannot throw her out on the street, even after EVERYTHING she has put the family through. She can’t keep a job as she has been fired from at least 9 in the last 4 years. She will not get help for her drinking, will not go talk to anyone, she doesn’t think she has a problem at all. She doesn’t like him in any way, he really doesn’t like her either, but I love him and I get the short end of the stick. I can give him all of me and my spare time and I don’t get any extra time of his. I can listen to him rant when she has been fired from another job and that isn’t enough. Why does he not want to be happy and not live in that turmoil? Why do I stick around for what spare time he has for me? I can’t call him when he is at home, yet he can call me whenever he needs or wants to. No matter what I do he is never going to be mine. He says all the right things, when we are together. We usually have a beautiful time together. We live in a small town and everyone knows…. Or at least they believe they know. Our friends have finally accepted the idea of us together but I believe that they worry as they also know he is never going to leave her and I am starting to have hurt feelings, I really did think I could handle the situation but I have found it is out of my control. I am trying to walk away as I type this and it is SO hard. I have texted him that I didn’t think it was best if we saw each other for a while, of course he says we need to talk. If I talk to him he will suck me right back in, say all the things that I want to hear and I will be right back here broken and sad in a month. I almost think at times it would be easier if I knew he was in love with her then I could say he was being selfish and wanting the best of both worlds. This just makes me feel like I am selfish for wanting more. The ups and downs are almost too hard to deal with. Let’s see how long I can hold out and not talk to him. Once I do talk to him I know I am not strong enough to stand up for myself because I do love him. It’s like a really bad Yo-Yo diet and no one gets the results they are looking for. Thank you for letting me vent.

  18. Hi Kalyn,
    How is the healing going?

    I was also involved with a MM, and will share my story this evening.
    Thank you for sharing yours.

  19. Hi Olivia,
    Thank you for sharing your story. I must say, I was surprised to read your MM is a priest, but it only goes to show that he is human and just as capable of sin as we all are.

    I have a story about my relationship with a MM also, which I plan to share this evening.

    Since your article was written in December, I was curious to know if you have heard from him since you said goodbye?

    Thank you again for having the courage to share your story. Because we fear judgement on such an issue, it isn’t such an easy topic to discuss. However, it is through the stories others share that I find the strength to tell my MM “No. No more.”
    There is healing in being able to relate to others, and to vent on our own experiences.

    I hope your healing successfully.
    XO

  20. I relate to so much of what you said. I’ve been with my married boyfriend for 6.5 years. Extremely painful. He has lied so many times and I haven’t had the strength to break it off.

  21. Hi Laurie. Your article on “How To Break Up With A Married Man” really helped me a lot. Please allow me to post my story here. I know maybe I should go counseling to a therapist or go to counseling group. Maybe I will do that. But at least for now, I want to share my story, a story that only me, him, and God knows.

    First, my MM is a priest. Second, he is my ex-boyfriend’s older brother. Third, I lost my virginity to him.

    I met him when I attended an event where he was a speaker. When I first saw him, honestly there was a feeling of being interested in my heart. But I saw him as the brother of my ex, and at that time I knew it couldn’t be more than that. We also had a chance to chat in the event, a little I asked how my ex is, and he also asked how my family was doing.

    My MM and I promised each other to always “keep in touch” and after returning from the program we started whatsapp-ing. Initially only brief talk, but over time our conversation became more intense. We started calling at midnight within 3 to 4 hours, and began to give attention to each other. Right at his 38th birthday, when we were calling at midnight, I gave a happy birthday greeting. And there he expressed his feelings, he said he loved me. Honestly at that time I had not dared to reply to his words, I was still confused with my feelings. First, he is a priest. Second, he is my ex-boyfriend’s brother. My naivety appeared. I know cheating is wrong in the eyes of God, but maybe this is not the relationship of affair that seems to happen in general. Maybe this is what God wants, for me to support him and vice versa. I know the relationship between him and his wife is also not good, so maybe my position here is to fill the blank that his wife cannot fill. Maybe this is a “special case”. And because of all that, I finally ventured to repay him, “I love you too”.

    After we officially became couple, it felt like heaven on earth. I was enveloped in love as I needed. I also gave the best that I could to make him happy. We began meeting at hotels. The sex we did was truly amazing. And the third time I met him at the hotel, I lost my virginity.

    Behind all the beauty of this relationship, several times we often argue. I know I am very jealous, and so is he. But every time we fight we always find a way to make it up, whether it’s discussed properly, or through sex.

    Day after day we passed. I also tried to be a “wife” that was good enough for him. I always reminded him of his health check-up schedule, reminded him of his schedule, and reminded him to give gifts to his wife and children, and other things.

    Our days are so “beautiful”, and I am too immersed in that feeling. Even though we fought several times, we always returned to each other’s arms.

    We passed 3 years. Behind all the beauty and all the dreams we built, I began to feel something had changed from him. Once when we were spending the night at a hotel, when he fell asleep, I opened his cellphone. And there I found his conversation with another woman, giving each other attention and lovely greetings like he used to do to me. Woman whose age is not much different from his daughter’s age. When I confronted him about the woman, he only replied that there was nothing. And only limited love as to a child. And the stupidity of myself at that time, I “apologized” to him for being jealous.

    After a while, our relationship began to deteriorate. I became a person who was insecure, easily suspicious, easily angry, and all other bad things. And from him there is simply no “effort” to improve this relationship, and to safeguard my feelings.

    The peak is when we last calling at midnight. There he asked to have sex by phone, and I refused, because I said it would be in the morning tomorrow when I wake up, he would return like yesterday and no longer “try” to guard my feelings. But that night he promised to fix everything, and finally we did sex by phone. And just exactly like what i thought, he didn’t contact me in the morning.

    I texted him but he didn’t reply. I called him but no answer. It’s like he disappeared all of sudden. In my down time, he treated me like that. I was very devastated. It all felt like my world had collapsed instantly. How come a man, mature enough, ended a relationship just like that? Doen’t he know that I also have feelings?

    It took me some time to realize that indeed he had found someone else, as the other woman. I pull all the consciousness I have left, and all the strength that I still have to not contact him anymore. I do left the last message on his whatsapp, a voice note containing all the goodbyes, shrouded in tears of course. And after that, our relationship officially ended.

    From my story, I know I was the one who is extremely wrong. And I will never stop asking for God’s forgiveness for what I have done. I was too immersed in my feelings and dreams, and it was too difficult for me to escape from all this. I can no longer control my feelings. I know this is very wrong. I feel very sorry to his wife and family, whom I already close to, but thank God they did not know about my affair. Until now I was still struggling to forget him. But I know I’m not alone. I pray for all who have been in my position and are in my position. Hopefully we all have the strength and courage to move forward in life, because there will certainly be lots of exciting things waiting in front of us. I know karma is real, but I also know God’s grace and forgiveness is everlasting and eternal for those who truly seek it.

  22. I recently broke off a relationship with a MM. We’d been seeing each other for almost 2 years. We’d known each other since middle school, became friends with benefits in college, became a couple in our late 20’s but broke up after I found out that he’d been cheating on me. I was heartbroken. We each married different people and went about our lives without contacting each other. I divorced after 17 years of marriage. One evening, after working late, I was coming off the elevator to head to my car and we locked eyes. I hadn’t seen him in years. We hugged and he asked if he could walk me to my car. As we walked, he said he wanted to talk to me and asked if I could meet him for a drink the following week. I said yes. We met at a restaurant the next week and, over drinks, he told me that he was sorry for breaking my heart all those years ago and that he’d waited years for the opportunity to apologize to me. He told me that he always considered me as the “one that got away”. We finished catching up on our lives and as he walked me to my car, we kissed. I drove away giddy and confused. What was I doing?

    Our affair quickly ramped up from that very evening. I could work remotely, so I would get hotel rooms close to his work sites so we could be together. If my kids weren’t home, he’d come visit me here. When we weren’t together, we’d talk on the telephone all day (in between conference calls). But we could only talk or be together during normal business hours and in between our actual work duties. Weekends were hard. Holidays and birthdays were harder. But when we were together, it was magical.

    I know that I love him deeply. The problem is that I know he loves his wife and kids and will never leave them. I want a deserve a full-time love and he can’t give that to me. I would love to hear from people who have successfully moved on from being the Other Woman…people who have found true and lasting love. Those testimonials would help offset the pain I’m feeling now. It feels like my 2nd divorce.

  23. I’m currently dating a married man. He means more that life to me because he loves me just the way I want to be loved. I grew up without the love of my father , I didn’t experience the unconditional love that most kids recieve from their father. This has put me in a state of inferiority, lack of confidence as I hunger for that love which I didnt get from my Father.
    This is the reason why each time I find someone who can give me the love I desire, even if it’s little, I don’t let it let go. I was in a relationship with the married man I’m dating presently even before he got married, but he chosed a different lady over me despite the fact that he promised he won’t ever hurt me. I felt for it and gave him my all.I loved him with all my strength, I love him with all my being. I was severely heart broken when he told me he was getting married in one week time.
    I cried, I grieved and I cut communication with him but I couldn’t handle the pain and disappointment.
    After the wedding, he contacted me, telling me he’s sorry and that he loves me sincerely even though he’s married.
    I fell for it again because he was giving me the love I needed, he was giving me the affection and love I didn’t get from my Father. I had to settle for less because all I ever wanted was to be loved.
    Since then I’ve been with him, we meet only when he’s chanced, the moments we had were stolen moments which we took advantage of to create beautiful memories for ourselves.
    Although I knew I deserved more, I couldn’t let go of him because the little he offered meant the world to me.
    I am living in pain , envy and jealousy. Each time I think of how he puts his wife first, each time I see him and his wife together along the street or at a ceremony, I begin to tear up wishing I was the one he was with.
    I have tried severally to breakup with him, to cut communication but i can’t bring myself to do that. I have prayed and fasted but yet nothing.
    It’s difficult to separate myself from him.
    Reading from your bloc has really given me the strength to move on, I’m willing to take the next step, I’m willing to let go although I know I will seriously get hurt, I’m willing to let God heal me and I’m willing to move to a new page because I deserve best, I deserve true love, i deserve to be fully Happy and I deserve inner peace.

    A word of advice to women out there especially single mothers.
    Please don’t deprive your daughter’s of the love of their father. That love plays a vital role in their lives, no man can ever give them that love except their father.
    A Father’s love to his daughter give her confidence, gives her a hight self-esteem and give a sense of belonging.
    She won’t have to settle for less just because she needs to be loved.
    I am a victim of this situation and I wouldn’t like any one to go through what I’m facing.

    Thanks

  24. I’m currently dating a married man. He means more that life to me because he loves me just the way I want to be loved. I grew up without the love of my father , I didn’t experience the unconditional love that most kids recieve from their father. This has put me in a state of inferiority, lack of confidence as I hunger for that love which I didnt get from my Father.
    This is the reason why each time I find someone who can give me the love I desire, even if it’s little, I don’t let it let go. I was in a relationship with the married man I’m dating presently even before he got married, but he chosed a different lady over me despite the fact that he promised he won’t ever hurt me. I felt for it and gave him my all.I loved him with all my strength, I love him with all my being. I was severely heart broken when he told me he was getting married in one week time.
    I cried, I grieved and I cut communication with him but I couldn’t handle the pain and disappointment.
    After the wedding, he contacted me, telling me he’s sorry and that he loves me sincerely even though he’s married.
    I fell for it again because he was giving me the love I needed, he was giving me the affection and love I didn’t get from my Father. I had to settle for less because all I ever wanted was to be loved.
    Since then I’ve been with him, we meet only when he’s chanced, the moments we had were stolen moments which we took advantage of to create beautiful memories for ourselves.
    Although I knew I deserved more, I couldn’t let go of him because the little he offered meant the world to me.
    I am living in pain , envy and jealousy. Each time I think of how he puts his wife first, each time I see him and his wife together along the street or at a ceremony, I begin to tear up wishing I was the one he was with.
    I have tried severally to breakup with him, to cut communication but i can’t bring myself to do that. I have prayed and fasted but yet nothing.
    It’s difficult to separate myself from him.
    Reading from your bloc has really given me the strength to move on, I’m willing to take the next step, I’m willing to let go although I know I will seriously get hurt, I’m willing to let God heal me and I’m willing to move to a new page because I deserve best, I deserve true love, i deserve to be fully Happy and I deserve inner peace.

    A word of advice to women out there especially single mothers.
    Please don’t deprive your daughter’s of the love of their father. That love plays a vital role in their lives, no man can ever give them that love except their father.
    A Father’s love to his daughter give her confidence, gives her a hight self-esteem and give a sense of belonging.
    She won’t have to settle for less just because she needs to be loved.
    I am a victim of this situation and I wouldn’t like any one to go through what I’m facing.

    Thanks

  25. I am a married woman who began having an affair with a married friend. In the beginning we were simply good friends. We had a lot in common (i.e. similar childhood experiences, similar problems with our fathers, etc). We would text regularly, but the messages never crossed the line. Then his wife saw a text in which I shared the excitement about an exam. She went crazy. She accused him of cheating and called me all sorts of names. She threatened to come to my job. I told my husband about it and showed him all the text messages we’d shared. At that time, there was nothing going on. I didn’t see him in that manner. I saw him as a friend only. I had nothing to hide. My husband felt that he was to blame, that he was trying to get in my pants. He said that all men only want that. That no man is capable of wanting a friendship with a woman unless sex is involved. I admitted that the amount of time communicating was too much, but I defended his intentions. Some time passed where we communicated less. My marriage was struggling a lot. I have always been a perfectionist. Everything in life must be perfect. My husband threw this event in my face for over a year. I say this not to justify, but just to clarify what transpired. We began communicating again as friends only, but now we had to do so in secret. Months passed. A year passed. Then I began noticing that my friend was somewhat freezing me out. I confronted him about this and he confessed that he had feelings for me and was attracted to me. He was always supportive of anything I did. Whether it was school, work, how I was as a mom. He never judged me. When he shared these feelings with me, I said that none of that mattered because nothing would change since we were both married. He asked how I felt toward him and I admitted for the first time that I felt an attraction too. We continued still as friends. Still no iffy messages between us. This went on for a month or two. Then certain messages began. Slowly. Messages that were personal in nature. Intimate information. We met up one day and we kissed. It felt like fire coarsing through me. I stopped the kissing when his hands began to roam. Time passed. But, now we had made physical contact. The messages intensified. One day we met up again. I don’t know what the intentions were on his behalf then, mine were not to have sex. But, it happened so quickly. That second time we kissed, things escalated so rapidly. Next thing I knew it happened. After a few weeks he said he needed to focus on his marriage. I decided to stop contact with him. I grieved. Cried. It felt like the first time when our spouses forbade us to be friends. Days passed. I felt at peace with it. He then contacted me. I ignored him. He kept calling me. He called my job. We have to work around each other at times. Finally I asked what he wanted. He said he wanted me as his best friend, his girl. That I would be his girl for life. That he loved to see me smile, loved making me laugh. I asked why he gave a crap, it wasn’t his place to do so. He said he didn’t know why, but he did. He said that we were better than to allow a small disagreement end our friendship. I was sucked back in. We both tried to avoid engaging in sex again, but still texted and spoke by phone regularly. Sex happened again. And again. It’s been three times now. We were in a place where we treated each other as a spouse. Sick I know. He’ll check in on me. See if I make it home okay and I do so as well. He recently confided in me that his wife expects too much from him because he never complains. He’s the breadwinner. He’s paying her student loans, etc. We both work in a high stress career. He says she doesn’t get it or understand what he’s seen. The worst part of it all is that we both advise each other to work on our marriages. In one sentence we say that. In the next we are talking about sex. Recently we were planning to meet up. He said he would let me know if he could get away. I asked later on in the day, and he said he couldn’t get away. It bothered me because I felt that he should’ve just said no from the beginning if it wouldn’t be possible. I expressed that to him. He said that he couldn’t get away from his family. That I should understand that since I’m married too. That he is already dealing with one problem, he didn’t need two. I was in the process of texting an apology to him, when he said maybe we should pump on the brakes for right now. I remained calm because I understand that his wife doesn’t stay calm. That happened this Friday. The entire weekend I’ve been grieving again. Feeling intense guilt. Self loathing. This isn’t me. I have always been a good person. With strong values. My father was a cheater. His father was a cheater. We are our fathers. I want to cut all ties. But, I’m afraid I will buckle. Part of me feels that I need him. With him I don’t feel judged. Since there was nearly a 2yr friendship prior to anything changing, it is incredibly tough for me. The other part feels like a monster. The other part feels like my soul will go to hell. Like a failure at being a decent human being. My husband doesn’t deserve this. We’ve had our struggles, but I know that he loves me selflessly. And here I am loving him selfishly. Cutting all ties isn’t an option because we will see each other at work occasionally. I know what I need to do, but I don’t know how to mister the strength to do so. The physical boundary was crossed in March, but the emotional connection has been there since our friendship became a secret. Part of me sees him for the selfish person he is, and the other part empathizes because I am a rotten person also.

  26. Thank you so much. Every time I think of him, I get angry at him and at myself. I remember the anguish, the waiting, disappointments, my tears and how I went out of my way to pleaser him in everything. He use to bring me roses, beautiful bouquets.
    Last week, I went out and bought myself a variety of colored carnations. I thought, I don’t need his f……g Flowers.
    It is slowly getting easy. I have blocked his calls, I don’t want to see his picture when it rings. But I listen to his messages. “I love you, etc etc”
    Maybe he does, in his own way, but not that way.
    I don’t know how long he thought I was going to be around waiting for HIS time, HIS day , HIS hours.
    Our routine was, sex, sleep, dinner, (in my home)
    He bath, changed his underwear and after 5 hrs, go home. It angers me to think of this.
    It’s been awhile now, that I wanted to leave him.
    For my sanity, because I know it is wrong, Morally, spirituality, in every aspect.
    No one sees or accepts infidelity or adultery.
    So maybe, I will never have a man who embraces me,, maybe I will never have sex again. But, I had that pleasure, ….. nothing lasts forever.
    I have taken out of my room all his teddy bears. With “I love you”. Taken his slippers and bathrobe out, where I don’t have to see them.
    Soon, I will take some of his clothes out of the drawers and give them away.
    Thank you all for reading this. It helps…
    Can you believe, he wrote me an e mail telling me he can’t sleep at night and holds on to a pillow thinking of me and carreses his body .
    BULL S… ..! He has his wife next to him.
    Most likely he does think of me and ends up having sexy with his ugly wife. Because she is old and ugly.
    Stay there buddy.

  27. Anita.
    My heart is with you.
    I thought my 3 years with this man was long time but reading your story has shook me.
    15 years waiting !!. Of anguish and other feeling it is to much.
    Be strong you have given everything you have if he doesn’t realise then move away
    15 years is too long giving opportunity to change.
    Maybe changing the place and jobs would help. I Don’t know. But I can say only recover your life.
    Sending you a hug.

  28. Hello ladies…. Well I think it is finally over… 3 years down and still the same old song and boy were there alot of songs. Every song that comes onto the radio reminds me of him, of us. He has let me down for the last time and I have to move on. He will never leave his wife and I am tired of being second best. He was my true love my soul mate but I can’t and won’t stand for this hurt anymore. I still have to pluck up the courage to delete the messages and photos but I will and then will be able to heal fully.

  29. I am still struggling ! I am that wants the break. I feel he is only using me, when he has the time. After 15 yrs of this I have come to the point I don’t want this. I haven’t seen him in two months, I miss him. But I know things will not change and I don’t want this.

  30. Dear Daisy. I have no words to describe what I feel when I read your story. F*******!!!!!
    Half of what u write is basically what I would write about myself.
    I FEEL u fully.

  31. First off, thank you for this platform!! I knew my story was not unique, but I didn’t anticipate how many of us share similar stories. I’ve wish I can send you all direct responses or words of encouragement but phew – it’s a lot! So instead, here I am sending virtual hugs and lots of energy to every single woman out there who fell in love, are still in love, are still with or are healing from being with a married man! Strength and solidarity, sisters!

    My story: I met this wonderful man last April through online dating. We both weren’t looking for a romantic relationship, just new friends & connections. He married his playmate, whom he’s known since they were 12 y/o. They started dating each other when they were 18 & got married in their late 20s. They have a 4 year old daughter & 1 year old twins. Same circle of friends since they were young & apart from my married man, some others also ended up marrying each other (yuuuupp!!).

    When we met, he was separated from his wife and lived in separate houses. They co-parented, some nights the twins would be with him or his daughter would be with him. He left because there was something lacking after many years of being together or he felt his feelings were no longer the same and he was tired of the fights they got into. He needed to figure things out and frankly, also wanted to know and experience the world outside of the same woman he’s been with since he was 18.

    Since we met, we just clicked. Two professionals with high paying jobs in high positions in our companies. Smart, level-headed, aware individuals. We were also both quite pragmatic. I entered into a relationship with him with my eyes wide open. I knew the risks and the possibility that he might go back to his wife. We both were just looking for fun and a friends with benefits (FWB) kind of thing. As our time together progressed, we discovered our intense attraction towards each other and the deep connection. Needless to say, we developed a deep and explosive relationship and in just a month’s time, we were the best of friends and talked about anything and everything…and the sex was great 🙂 Did I say we lived in different cities and therefore, didn’t have the pressure of worrying about people seeing us? Anyway….

    Last June, his son got very sick and this put a lot of pressure on the co-parenting, the going back-and-forth between houses and having to run to the other house in the middle of the night when his son had to be rushed to the hospital was just too much. So they agreed for him to move back in and have up the apartment he was renting. Our nightly conversations and meet-ups got disrupted. I didn’t mind his moving back in and took things in stride. As I said, my eyes were wide open and I wasn’t really looking for a romantic relationship or commitment even if we were already aware of how we were starting to feel towards each other (but didn’t dare say it out loud or articulate it). Then summer came and our time together was even more disrupted since they moved to cooler temperatures for the kids not to suffer and the house was smaller and he had no privacy.

    Since they were separated up until summer, the wife didn’t really exert any effort to save their relationship and didn’t have any initiative to try to win him back. Understandably, I can imagine how tired she was as well and perhaps also felt the distance. Note that I always sided with the wife when some arguments ensued between them. Yes, this was how FWBish we were. Anyway, a few weeks ago – my man said, hmmm surprisingly he has a better relationship with his wife and that they were fighting less and she’s more open with him again. I guess the summer holidays, the beach and their parents helping them more sort of alleviated their stress…et voila they started spending more time together and planned more “family” stuff together. This was the most inconvenient timing because we were getting even more closer and were planning our two weeks of a holiday together.

    This week, all of a sudden his mother-in-law hacked a plan to bring the two closer again and during one our supposedly night together, I received a message from him saying that he couldn’t make it because his wife showed up and wants to talk to him. I KNEW something would happen and so I told him…we started our relationship on trust and honesty, to make sure to let me know that next day if she is trying to get him back and if he…gave in. My heart and instinct knew they would end up finally having sex….

    ….and they did. He called me to tell me everything. How torn he was and how sad he was, etc. Even cried, etc etc etc. I was in pain. I didn’t expect to be this hurt especially since all throughout our relationship we were both clear. This was not supposed to happen – feelings didn’t factor in, just sex. But we’re higher beings with emotions so we did end up falling in love with each other – this doesn’t mean, however, that he wasn’t still loving his wife and kids.

    In the end, him giving in and having sex with her also made him happy for all the right reasons. But also sad and devastated because he also has learned to love me and didn’t want to lose me. Regardless of how painful it was that he is now back with the family and that he was now having sex with the rightful woman who has rightful claims over him….I immediately broke up with him.

    I suddenly find myself broken hearted with a man I’ve only known since April. And now we are both suffering from our broken relationship. But who am I kidding…he may be hurt and sad and crying for me but at the end of the day, there is also happiness that his family is now back together again.

    He had his fun and experience and adventure with him. Short lived and a surprising abrupt end to ours which left me and him reeling from the pain but now…he is back with them.

    And all I can do now is pick up the pieces of my aching heart and learn how not to yearn for him and want him. To not miss him and remember the time he wasn’t part of my life so that I can breathe well again and enjoy life. I’m still finding my footing here because this is the first time I actually fell in love in this manner with a married man. All I can hope for is to survive this and remind myself, this too will pass. Right now my heart bleeds and I’m facing it head on. I’m made of tougher material and want to also protect my own dignity and self-worth.

    My advice to anyone is to rip off the band-aid and do cold turkey. Cut ties. No contact. Move forward. Yes we love our married men, yes it will hurt and we will miss them so much so that the pull to go back to his arms is strong even if you will always be second or third…you, I…we must be strong and move forward. In the long run, eventually…it will pass and life will be sunny and light again. And perhaps new love will come…someone who will love you with no inhibitions, someone you can call yours and you his……

  32. I have read your article every time I feel sad about this breakup. It helps. But it is so very, very painful. What I read assures me that I am doing right. I have been trying to break this relationship for a long time. I finally wrote him, to tell him so. 15!yrs of this anguish of waiting is driving me mentally and physically sick.
    I am taking a trip and hope that this will help me.
    It’s so hard, but I know nothing will change

  33. I have been in love with my mm for 7 years. I would say that just about everything about us is perfect except our timing. We went to high school together, but didn’t know each other back then and reconnected several years ago through some high school friends’ events/parties. The attraction was intense and far deeper than anything I had ever felt before in my life. I knew immediately that he was special, and felt like I had met him before. It was love at first sight. He told me that he felt exactly the same thing for me. We started communicating, and things developed quickly. Right away we were in love, and began a beautiful affair. Even though I knew it was wrong, I couldn’t help loving my mm because no one had ever made me feel the way he made me feel.

    About a year and a half later, his wife found out about us. He decided he needed to break things off with me, and it was devastating.
    We ended up going virtually “no contact” for about 2 years, which about killed me. His marriage survived – but just barely. A large dynamic is that he “takes care” of his wife, and codependency seems to be keeping them together as well as the guilt involved with hurting their kids, the extended family, the friends, etc. (They have been married 23 years). I do not believe he stayed with her because he is in love with her although I believe he does love her on some level.

    The grief and trauma of losing him for two years was nearly unbearable for me, with the way things ended there was just no closure, and I wasn’t able to fully move on although I tried and just thought about him every day. After 2 years he contacted me again and we resumed our affair. I took it as proof of our true love that he came back and jumped back in full swing. This relationship has given me the highest highs and the lowest lows of my life. He is a wonderful writer, has written the most beautiful letters to me, he is passionate, handsome, and interesting and he makes me feel beautiful and special. Our sex life is unbelievable, but he is also a romantic and my best friend and we tell each other everything. We both believe that we loved each other before we met each other and that we are “split-aparts”. The time we spend together is precious to me and I live for the moments that I can see him. Although we make love all the time, we also spend time together that is not just having sex. We have traveled together, not a whole lot as that just isn’t practical and requires a lot of lying and planning, but we do. We meet up and talk and just hold one another, and we take walks together. We communicate nearly constantly.

    It is NOT an easy relationship and it is NOT a relationship I would recommend to anyone to get into. The instant he leaves me, I start to miss him and the crushing loneliness and depression sets in…. I spend most of my time alone, which includes eating meals, taking long drives, sitting in my room staring at my phone wondering when I will hear from him. I have even taken a trip to the beach by myself for the weekend, just me and ‘him’ on my phone. Holidays and weekends are the worst. We are in constant communication but it isn’t enough. I long for more time with him and to be able to take him to events, for us to travel together, sleep in the same bed at night (something we have only done 3 times in 7 years together). I long to post a photo of us together, to share with people in my real world my mm who is such a part of my internal world and my life. I feel like I am lying to everyone. I spend excessive amounts of time overthinking and worrying about what will happen to him or me and how either of us will know if something bad happens. I spend excessive amounts of time worrying about getting sick and dying and us not having our chance to be together. I do have friends but I don’t talk to most of my friends about him for fear of being criticized or judged. I feel like I have to hide a huge part of who I am and live my life in secrecy. I have become more introverted and prefer to hang out alone rather than be with people most of the time as a result of this relationship.

    Since we started seeing each other again, he has never told me that he will leave his wife. He has told me that he knows we belong together, but he just can not bring himself to leave her and hurt her that way. He has told me that he believes in his heart that we will end up together – he does not know how or when but we will. He says that he is in love with me, but he still loves his wife too, although he loves us in different ways. I do get angry with him that he can’t hurt her, yet somehow in all of this, it is okay for me to hurt. He doesn’t want me to hurt and has told me that he knows he isn’t good for me in this way, but we always come back to the same thing. It’s a pattern we’re in now and we have the same discussions about every month. At times I feel like he has some narcissistic traits, that he lacks empathy for my situation as well as his wife’s true situation as the entire thing is a house of cards built on lies, and everyone is being hurt and lied to in some way and realize how dysfunctional and toxic this entire thing is. I feel foolish and angry with myself and with him that I keep their codependent relationship going by loving him so well and fulfilling his needs to the point where he can avoid making changes in his life – changes that might bring us together. I want him to be authentic and live his life truthfully, but he just can’t do it. I am an honest person in every other area of my own life, and I hate hurting people, but this part of my life that doesn’t reflect those values. And I hate that.

    I have read about trauma bonding and i know that this has a lot to do with why I stay in this relationship. I just wish that it was easy for me to realize that there could be something better out there for me and someone who could give me everything. Instead, all I think about is how much I love him and that he gives me everything in those little moments of time. And I tell myself I would rather have a little bit of something with the right person than everything with the wrong person. I just can’t be with someone I don’t love. I can’t even talk to another man. I don’t know how he can be with two people at once. I can’t do it. I’ve also been faithful to him for almost two years now.
    He recently told me that he still has sex with his wife – ‘not that often’ as he says – but they still do. It was like a knife hitting me right in my heart when he told me that. I guess I knew they did but asking him and hearing his reply was like bringing the genie out of the bottle and it hurt so bad to think about that.

    Sometimes I feel like there is no hope… no way out of this for me. I truly love him and just want our chance, but I know what I am doing is wrong on so many levels. .

  34. Hi. I really need some advice. I got involved with a mm last year and we are still current friends. I badly want to end it. I can’t believe I was so naive and gullible and didn’t think of how badly the situation could’ve turned out . Long story short , not only is this guy married with 2 kids but I can’t help but think he had a thing with one of our coworkers. I don’t know him that well.. but I know the look he gives me… I know how we interact and whenever I see him and our coworker interact it makes me sick bc it is the same way him and I interact. It truly makes me question my worth. But at the same time I don’t want to lose him as a friend. I love him deep Down. I want to tell him everything I feel but I want to end things none the less. It’s to the point where we don’t talk now for days. I only see glimpses of him at work and he still tries to sugar coat things and pretend like everything is ok. I usually play along although it kills me inside. I know he communicate with our other coworker regularly and that also makes me sick. I’ve done so much for him… more than I’ve done for anyone and it hurts that he won’t even acknowledge it. I feel like I’m just a sex object… I don’t know how to end things amicably. Help!!

  35. Dearest Blosso,
    I was reading this email thinking you know exactly how I feel. Why do I keep wanting my ex back when he doesn’t want me or love me.
    He broke up with me one year ago after 20 years together which was totally unexpected for me. He said he had a wonderful life with me but wants to experience new things in his life now and wants fireworks and doesn’t love me any more.
    Well he went overseas for 12 month keapt writing to on a almost weekly basis about his experiences.
    Silly enough I keapt hanging on thinking he will come back if things don’t work our.
    He did come back and it fealt like he was a different person. I so much wanted my love back but all I got is this man that just doesn’t care.
    Now why do I still feel so sad and heartbroken ? He likes to stay in touch but realy has no idea how much this is hurting me.
    He left again to find a new life and wife (which is like me but not me he says ) how can I make sense of this.
    My brain says let him go you deserve better than that but my thoughts are always with him.
    I just want to let him go
    I just don’t want to think about him all the time
    and most of all I like to get my sleep back and not dream and think about him with this new wife he may have found now.
    I have stopped writing to him and that’s sooo hard to.
    Oh dear now I have written a lot down and knowing that you will read that and understand means so much when your heart is broken.
    Thank you so much for your emails I’m so glad I get to read them and look forward to it.
    Love Christine x