How to Stop Thinking About Your Ex and Get On With Your Life

These seven simple, effective tips on how to stop thinking about your ex-husband or ex-boyfriend will help you overcome obsessive thoughts. Take heart, for you will move on with your life. You can stop ruminating about the past – and you can rebuild your life, renew your heart, and restore your joy!

The most important thing to remember is that you’re caught in a destructive, habitual thought pattern. You aren’t trapped and helpless; you are simply in the grip of an obsessive way of thinking. Learning how to stop thinking about your ex simply requires you to break the habit. It takes energy and dedication at first, but you can stop the obsessive thoughts about the person you lost – you can let go of someone you love. Another important thing to remember when you’re learning how to stop obsessing is that you are not alone. Millions of people have broken their addictions to their ex-boyfriends or ex-husbands, and so can you.

Here’s what one man said about his ex-girlfriend: “I still seem to be obsessing about my ex. She crowds into my thoughts a dozen times a day. I’m trying my best to forget about her, but, despite what I’ve read and the advice I’ve gotten, I CAN’T GET HER OUT OF MY HEAD! I feel like I’m going through my days as half a person, with nothing ahead of me but regrets about what might have been….how do I stop my thoughts?” ~ from my article on healing your heart without relationship closure.

6 Tips on How to Stop Thinking About Your Ex

Different women find different strategies helpful. Here, I combined both practical and emotional tips on how to stop obsessing and restore your joy in life. I encourage you to try different things until you find what works for you.

The best way to learn how to stop thinking about your ex – and find what works for you – is to try different things for at least two weeks. Really incorporate one or two of these strategies; don’t just try for an hour or a day. If a month goes by and you’re still obsessing, then try another technique. Eventually, you will find what works for you.

Don’t give up. Don’t let your obsessive thoughts take over. You can be happy and you will heal! It just takes time to grieve and move forward with your life.

1. Use the dog-and-vomit analogy (it’s gross, but it works!)

It is disgusting, but hang in with me here! I recently read There Is a Season by Patrick Lane, about his journey through addiction and recovery. He said thinking about sad things in the past is like a dog returning to his own vomit. The dog-and-vomit analogy is actually in the Bible; it’s in Proverbs 26:11: “As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.”

I love this analogy because it’s so visual and concrete. I use it when I start berating or beating myself up for something I regret doing. Instead of raking myself over the coals, I tell myself that I’m not a dog and I refuse to go back to my own vomit…and I then think “Eeewwww…” and I move on. This is a very practical, effective tip on how to stop obsessing about what happened.

2. Learn how to grieve your loss

Entire textbooks are written on grief because of the importance of the grieving process. If you haven’t grieved the end of your relationship, then you’ll find yourself obsessing about your ex-husband or ex-boyfriend.

How to Stop Thinking About Your Ex Boyfriend ExHusband

How to Stop Thinking About Your Ex

I recently went to a half-day grief workshop by Norman H. Wright, author of When the Past Won’t Let You Go. Grieving a loss is so difficult – and so important! Learn how to grieve, and what to expect during the grieving process. Death isn’t the only even that we need to grieve. We must grieve all the losses we experience – even the seemingly trivial losses, such as our favorite quilt or a beloved dog or cat. Learn how to grieve, and you will learn how to stop thinking about your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband.

If you haven’t grieved about something or someone you lost in your past, you will find yourself unable to fully accept and grieve this breakup. Learning how to stop thinking about your ex isn’t just about grieving your current loss…it’s about resolving all the losses and disappointments you’ve experienced.

3. Use the “rubber band technique” to stop thinking about your ex

In psychology, a popular technique for overcoming obsessive thinking is to wear a rubber band around your wrist. When those obsessive thoughts come up, snap the band and replace your obsessive thought of your ex with a different thought (which you planned in advance).

Your replacement thought should be something that makes you feel good, and can range from “Which three pairs of shorts should I take on my Mexican vacation?” to “Wow, I did an awesome job on that work project! I really nailed it.” Learning that you can control your thoughts is a valuable tip on how to stop thinking about your ex.

My replacement thought is a Bible verse: “Come to me, all who are weary and carrying heavy burdens,” said Jesus in Matthew 11:28. “I will give you rest.” Whenever I start to feel scared, tired, or heartbroken, I recite this verse to myself. I picture myself face to face with Jesus, my little child hands resting on either side of his face. I look deep into His eyes, I see the scars from the abuse He endured, and I know I am free from suffering. Jesus suffered so I don’t have to. I accept His freedom, love, and grace. I am humbled and awed by the power of His spirit. Who needs a rubber band when you have Jesus?

4. Incorporate two new activities into your life

Here are several practical tips on how to stop thinking about your ex:

  • Plan a trip to Mexico.
  • Volunteer at a homeless shelter.
  • Be a Big Sister through the Big Sisters/Big Brothers mentoring organization.
  • Take a sushi making class.
  • Join a snowshoeing or hiking club.
  • Take Zumba dance lessons.
  • Find a new place to live.
  • Make new friends.
  • Reconnect with old friends in person (not just on Facebook)

It doesn’t matter what the new activities are, really…what matters is that you find new, interesting things to do with your life. Don’t give yourself time to keep obsessing about your ex-husband or ex-boyfriend. Practice replacing the obsession and habitual thoughts with new and interesting ideas.

5. Get emotionally and spiritually healthy

How to Stop Thinking About ExHusband Ex BoyfriendRead Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He’ll Change by Robin Norwood.

This is an especially helpful book if you find yourself attracted again and again to troubled, distant, moody men – and “nice guys” seem boring. Do you obsess over men who are emotionally unavailable, addicted to work, hobbies, alcohol, or other women? Do you neglect your friends and your own interests to be immediately available to a man? If you can’t stop thinking about your ex-husband or ex-boyfriend – or if you feel empty without him – you need to heal yourself emotionally and spiritually.

Struggling with obsessive thoughts is a sign of unhealthiness in your life and unhappiness with who you are. You haven’t build your self-image on God’s healthy, consistent, and powerful love for you. You haven’t found life – or you haven’t found a way to stay connected to His source of life and healing. If you can’t stop thinking about your ex, you need to heal how you think of yourself. You were created for a purpose, and you are deeply loved by your Creator.

6. Schedule a set amount of time be filled with regret and anxiety

If you can’t bear the thought of not thinking about the breakup, then set a specific time to let your obsessive thoughts about your ex-husband or ex-boyfriend take over your mind, body, and soul.

Decide that you will set 15 minutes at the beginning or end of the day – and maybe a 15 minute stint at lunch, too – to simply obsess. Allow yourself to ruminate over the same thoughts and feelings, and give yourself freedom to finally stop focusing on how to stop thinking about your ex. You have your scheduled obsession time, and you should use it fully. During this time you will sit and do nothing but think, wail, cry, and obsess about your ex-husband or ex-boyfriend.

When you find yourself thinking about your ex at non-scheduled times during the day, tell yourself that you need to focus on the present moment. Later, have time to obsess and ruminate. Right now, however, you must focus on what is right in front of you.

After a few days of this scheduled obsession time, you may find it exhausting and boring to sit and do nothing but think about the breakup. You may even find it unhelpful and unproductive. That’s great! If you still need to grieve, however, read Words of Comfort When Your Heart is Broken.

7. Stop trying so hard to stop thinking about the breakup

Have you heard the “elephant in the corner” analogy? Whatever you resist, persists. So when you attempt to force yourself not to think about the elephant in the corner (or your ex if you’re trying to stop obsessing), then of course he is all you can think about. Instead of focusing on the idea that you’re obsessed with love, just allow your thoughts to flow through you. Don’t try to stop them. Instead, accept the thought – and then replace it with one of the strategies I suggested above.

It takes determination and self-control to control the direction your thoughts take. But, ultimately, you do have control over your thoughts. You just need to find the willpower – and the right technique — for overcoming obsessive love.

Resources on How to Stop Thinking About Him

how to let go of someone you loveRead How to Let Go of Someone You Love. I wrote it after I lost someone I loved (and still love) very much. Instead of focusing on what I lost, I started concentrating on what I wanted more of in my life: freedom, peace, and joy. The result? Freedom, peace, and joy! It really is amazing how much power we have in our lives.

If you want to share your thoughts on how to stop thinking about your ex, I welcome you below. Sometimes writing can change your perspective and bring healing. I don’t give advice, but I read every comment.

how to stop Obsessive Love

Another great book on how to stop thinking about your ex is Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go by Dr Susan Forward. Here’s what one reader says about this book on how to stop thinking about your ex:

Susan Forward explains the difference between love and obsession – and they are two very different things! Obsessive Love is written in a nonjudgmental way, and Dr Forward’s compassion comes through on every page. This allows readers to take the first painful step: admitting that we’re obsessing about the breakup. This leads to letting go and healing.

May you learn how to stop thinking about your ex-husband or ex-boyfriend, let go of obsessive thoughts about the breakup, and restore your joy. May you find peace and healing. Most importantly, may you find God. He loves you, He has a plan for your life, and He will carry you through the most painful moments of this loss.

Choose life. Be free.



Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

215 thoughts on “How to Stop Thinking About Your Ex and Get On With Your Life”

  1. I am seeming to be obsessed when I retire for the night and he’s no longer lying next to me, or texting, or not calling or emailing. I cud m my mail constantly hoping for an email from him .I check my phone for a missed call or text which never comes.I took a room at a hotel informing him, hoping he’d come, but he never did. Only after I checked out. I’m obsessed with being in love.

  2. It has been nearly a year since I posted about how my Narcissistic Ex left me devastated and in a heap on the floor with my poodle. I want to say thank you for all your comments and support.
    Our divorce was final in February 2018. In September 2018 the State Police did go to see my ex and he was served and warned that he could not have any further contact with myself and my Poodle.
    Leading up to that he had continued to do some horrible things to me and tried to physically hurt me, I guess I let it happen because I could not accept in my mind that this was my husband. The mind can make you believe terrible things I guess.
    I work a lot of hours to support my little Poodle and myself. I have rented a nice place for my Poodle and I and have been able to furnish it, now I have a bed and furniture again. I am turning 60 years old next week and I realize that I am stronger than I ever thought I was.
    There are times when I wish I could just sit down with my ex and ask the why’s but I know that nothing he could say would help, he made me believe his lies for 20+ years. My nightmare started on June 1, 2017 and now 2+ years later I think I am really making personal strives to continue moving forward.
    My heart will always miss the husband I thought I knew but my mind knows it wasn’t real. My husband was 14 years younger than me, so what did I think would happen? What a cruel thing to do to a person, even though all our savings and my retirement is gone I can and I am rebuilding my life. I guess I just need to leave the rest to Karma.
    Thank you all for your words and support.

  3. My husband of 13 years just left me two weeks ago. He did it pretty jerky too. He locked me in our room and pushed me around for five hours physically hurting me and holding me down by sitting on me telling me how horrible I was as a wife. I left devastated and devalued because he has never done this to me before. I was in complete shock and horror. I cried and I cried as I packed my bags and left the state we lived in to move w my family. I didn’t feel safe at our place. I had to quit my job and start a new job in the state I live now. His whole family instantly stopped talking to me which is weird for them. His mom told me she will not be involved as to confuse me. I found out from some work friends he has a girlfriend he moved into our place. I don’t know know how long the relationship has been going on. I can’t stop thinking abt him and his new girl. I don’t know what she looks like but I find myself obsessing abt it. I never got closure. Instead of been a man and telling me he has moved on he physically harmed me knowing I would leave. We made a promise to each other our whole marriage if we ever fall out of love we tell each other out of respect. Every time I confronted him on the phone about his new girlfriend and what he did to me-leaving me with bruises he says ppl at his work are lying and he didn’t really harm me that much. Now he has blocked me from all his social media and he changed all phone numbers. I believe he may have changed all the locks on the doors but I haven’t been to the house in fear he will beat me again. I cry and cry. How can he treat me like this. What I really want from him is an apology and the truth abt his new girlfriend. His family has all blocked me from social media too. I can’t believe they have done this too. I have been a part of their family for 13yrs, baby showers, bday parties, bbq, Xmas, thanksgiving and grads. It’s like they all dropped me off the face of the earth. It hurts a lot. I have always been loving to them. I can’t stop obsessively thinking what I did that was so horrible. I thank God I had my family to run to.

  4. I am 28 years old and some days ago my boyfriend (32 years old) broke up with me.I feel devastated. We were 6.5 years together, we had a very happy relationship despite the fact that almost 5 years was a long-distance relationship. We have been so much in love, soulmates, we were feeling lucky to be together every day for so many years. We were both doing our PhD studies in different countries, but he was finishing his PhD earlier than me, in the end of 2018. So, during the last year we were planning his relocation to the place I live, because we wanted to finally live together. He was always saying “I love you so much, I am sick and tired of being away from you, I just want to live with you”. So, we made plans and everything. We were even discussing family plans and getting a cat in the next couple of years. So, when he finished his PhD, I helped him move into my apartment and I was so happy and excited about that. When we were unpacking his stuff, he didn’t look in a good mood so I asked him what happened and he said “my mind says I have to be here but my heart says something else”. So, after Christmas I new all the truth. He met another woman 1.5 months before he comes to my place. He fell in love with her and they slept together once. He told me that he came to my place because he wanted to try and give a second chance to our relationship. However, he never stopped chating with the other woman and he never gave a second thought on the fact that he was giving up everything for someone that he barely knows. I am feeling lost. I told him I can forgive everything if wanted to try being with me. It was so unexpected for me! He never complaint about our relationship, he never told me that he had second thoughts. Everyone at work new I was delighted that my boyfriend is finally moving in with me and after new year, when I went back to the office, everyone was asking me about my new life – which had been ruinned for ever. He told me that he never wanted to hurt me so much. I still do not understand why he didn’t even consider cancelling everything but instead he came to my place and then made me crying everyday for weeks. I am really sad, except the fact that I lost my boyfriend that I trully love with all my heart, I lost my best friend, I lost the person that gave me the greatest support and everything. How can I move on? How can I stop thinking about him? It’s even realy hard to concentrate to my work and I am in my final year of my doctoral degree. I am desperate.

    1. Hi there Georgia!

      I just wanted to leave some words of encouragement and to let you know you will get through this. I had something similar happen to me and keeping myself busy was a blessing! Obviously you want to allow yourself time to grieve, so maybe scheduling the grieving, like the article talks about will help you! Hopefully following this special schedule will allow you to better focus on your tasks at hand.
      All I know is you will get past this. You’re about to gain a PHD and that shows you’ve got grit girl!

      Stay healthy!

  5. I am married to a man who loves me, but shuts me out. He never takes responsibility or says sorry. It gets twisted to being my fault. We have been together 20 years. I was 23 & he was 31 when we got together.
    He opened his own company & refuses to put my name on it. It makes me so mad. It hurts my feelings more. I wouldnt even know where to start if I left.

  6. I was dumped recently from a man by just missing and blocked all communications.
    I was grieving and longing for a closure.
    I know we have issues. But the way he dumped me, pretty much make me desperate, ashamed, frustrated.
    I know that God is able to turn beauty from ashes. Sometimes I am strong, and other times I was so weak and can cry my heart out.
    There is no way I can contact him, he blocked me from chat application. And I don’t consider talking in any other channel.
    I cant believe how all things just done by missing in action. And it haunts me down.
    I just want him to just unblocked me. To make me feel not like a disease. To make me feel such a junk.
    The relationship closure is what I need now. I am longing for it, for move on.
    Please pray for me.

    1. My heart breaks for you. I was dumped in a text message by my husband after nearly 24 years of marriage. I was at work when I got a text message that simply said “I have moved out” I came home to a house that had been emptied, nothing left but my clothes on the floor even my own jewelry box was gone. He had emptied our bank accounts etc. it has now been 16 months and 16 days since that text message. I have spent all this time learning things about him I never knew, he had a whole other life. To say I am devastated is truly an understatement. Some days I can’t function. 24 years is a long time to believe someone really loved you.

      1. The reason why people “ghost” other people – or send a text – or call you at work where you can’t really talk is because they are terrified of confrontation. Basically this is the cowards way out. They are immature and inconsiderate. It has nothing to do with the recipient of the bad behavior. You are the innocent victim of a cad. Please do not internalize their actions or lack of respect. Yes you deserved better. But cowardly people are not capable of doing the right thing.

      2. Dear Vicki, thank you. Wow, it has been a devastating moment, and yes we need our time to grieve, to procces , to put this under “i dont understand” file..and accept that there are moments we cannot do anything about it.
        I do believe that we are going to reap what we sow. It just sometimes the pain pang in my chest.
        I find hard to functioning .
        God bless us Vicki.

  7. I am going through a divorce, a passive aggressive person who still takes no responsibility for the breakup but has moved on and is now moving in after 8 mos. of dating. We are still going through the divorce process. I can’t stop thinking about both of them. I can’t figure out why? We were married for 24 years. It is difficult for me to move on.

  8. It has been almost a year since my husband walked out after 21 years of marriage. He had sent me a text when I was at work that he had moved in with his mother. Over the next few days when I wasn’t home he and his mother emptied out our home, taking everything he wanted and decided what I should keep. He had not worked in years and I was working two jobs to support us. I found out my life had been a lie, he is addicted to opioids, online sex, meeting with local women. He took everything he could. Our divorce was final in February. I have my little poodle and all the marital debt. He is free of all responsibilities and debts. I agreed to that just to keep my dog. Since he left I see him almost daily so he can see my dog. I told him this week I can’t keep doing this and I feel bad because I know how I would feel if I could not see my dog. But he has a naracisstic personality and for years he has been emotionally abusive. I feel like I am dying inside and miss him all the time. I need to find a way to let go of what I thought was real. We did not have children together but I have grown children, my husband tried to force my daughter inlaw to have sex with him among other things. My family has been devastated.

    1. Make a list of all the bad things about him. Then ask yourself why you miss him. What was good about him? He has acted terribly and the incident with your daughter in law is unacceptable. Why can’t you get a restraining order? Stay away from his person. You’re too nice. He doesn’t deserve to see your dog or you. You don’t deserve his abuse. Explain he forfeited the right to see the dog when you took on all the debt. If you can’t do that then why not tell him you have full custody of the dog and he has no visitation rights? He is horrible to you and your family. Who knows if he would hurt your dog. Make it so you don’t have to see him anymore. You deserve it!

      1. Thank you. I have made a list and I have went no contact as of yesterday. I sometimes think I am walking around in a daze and waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I do miss him everyday but I would not want to ever have a life with him again. I guess, it is letting go out what I thought was real. I thought I had the most amazing husband and I had been told that I was so lucky to have him. He is so handsome and 14 years younger than me and now at 58 years old I have to accept that he is not what I thought he was. I have mostly isolated myself for the past year just trying to figure out how to put one foot in front of the other. I am not trying to sound crazy just trying to figure this out.

  9. I am still in the process of trying to heal my heart and emotions of my breakup from my ex-boyfriend of 2 years that happened 2 years ago. The reason that I am still hurting is because he didn’t give me the gift of relationship closure. As soon as we broke up he ended up marrying his ex girlfriend that he told me he was just friends with. I guess I was a fool for believing him. I was just trying not to be classified as the jealous girlfriend so I still allowed him to be friends with her. Then she started up a business and he signed up under her which made them have to have constant contact with each other (meetings, promotions, etc). I’m just so mad at myself for giving him a chance because when we first met, he had just broken up with her because he claims that he wanted to be with me. If I paid more attention to the red flags, I should have ran for my life because I would have saved myself from this heartbreak💔. It’s such a huge process trying to mend my broken heart. I’m also dealing with Multiple Sclerosis and Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia so this broken heart has been so tough on me. So to make a long story short, I started noticing dramatic changes once we made it to a year and a half in our relationship. He stopped calling as much as he usually do, he stopped coming over as much, and stopped taking me to family events, parties, etc. There is one day that Is so hard for me to forget. The final time that he took me to the Detroit Auto Show, He made me feel so low. He kept leaving me, he wouldn’t take any pictures with me, he wouldn’t introduce me to his friends that he ran into and he looked like he was so mad at me like I did something wrong. I should have called my parents to come pick me up because I felt so disrespected. But I was just trying to understand and hang in there with him. Then he did one thing that let me know that something was going on. He told me that he just wanted us to work on our friendship. He just wanted us to go to movies and stuff with no strings attached and I tried it. But I was so in love with him that it was hard to suddenly be cut off emotionally in that way so I told him I couldn’t just be his friend. So after that I thought things would go back to the way things were before but he grew even more distant. So I called him while he was on his way to work to see what was really happening with him and he just went off on me saying that he wasn’t fulfilled in our relationship so we got in a huge argument. So emotions was running high so I told him that if he wasn’t fulfilled than we should just call it quits. After that, a couple of weeks later I was trying to see if he wanted to talk but he turned down every opportunity. lol and behold, I look on Facebook and I see him and his ex which was his new girlfriend in a picture with him and his family. My heart fell to the bottom of my chest. Then 3 months later, I found out that him and her is married now. Even though I have been making every attempt to let all of this go, my heart is still broken. I’ve been in 2 relationships since then and this has constantly been on my mind and I’m still hurting because I never got any closure. He just walked away. That was my first long term serious relationship so I think that’s why it fell so hard on me. It was his 4th long term relationship so I think that’s why it was so easy to walk away. I just wish I never met him because he’s married living the good life with his wife while I’m here still trying to heal my broken heart 💔. I know that in the Bible it says that God is near to the broken hearted and I know that I will be healed one day. There is so much more bad things that he did but this all sums it up in a nutshell. I’m just trying to move on totally with my life but it seems like the past won’t me no matter how hard I try. I really need help. 😔

    1. You seem to be trying to figure out what you did wrong so you can understand why he hurt you. From what I read you did everything right. He was passive aggressive and trying to get you to break it off so he didn’t have to be the bad guy or explain and give you closure. Do not internalize his short comings. He’s a cheater and a cad. He will likely cheat on her too. Find a guy you deserve and treats you better. He ghosted you he doesn’t deserve your time and you deserve much better.

  10. Me and my boyfriend broke up because we wanted different things. I’m 20 and I’m doing masters and he is working. We initially planned on getting married when I am about 21. After which there were a lot of problems and I was like my studies is more important. My mom and his mom were also there (we have a different culture in India, especially Tamil Nadu where the women who must get their family approval before marriage and my mom didn’t approve, I tried hard but I couldn’t convince my mom not right now It’s so hard for me now even though I love him I had to break up because I couldn’t get my mom’s approval ) and so we broke up but both of us feel that one day we will get back to each other although I wonder whether it’s possible.We both love each other and talk to each other since that day until now. If I talk to him I feel guilty after doing it (because my mom is totally against this ) but still, I talk to him every day because I feel much worse If I don’t talk to him. I really don’t know what to do? Should I make it work or should I stop contacting him? I want to study and also have him and also my mom. Please walk me through this.

  11. I was addicted to my boyfriend, I love him so much but I messed up because of alcohol. He is not drinking but I am.
    I’m trying to stop thinking about him but I can’t. the first day of breakup I wanted to die but I thought twice. I love him even now and blame myself for everything. but I learned from my mistakes.

  12. Hi, my response comes late but its because i was researching about forgetting an ex when i bumped into this… ours was a sweet relationship, very sweet but i messed up by overreacting and threatening to leave the relationship every time things didnt go my way (juvenile and controlling, i now know) he gave me enough chances way many chances then eventually he stopped, so i begged him to give us another chance he said yes but he wasn’t the same way again he, i tried to hold up for the relationship but i just realized it won’t work and that he will never ever look at me the same way again, so i told him we should just stop trying because i believed he deserved to be happy and start afresh after all the pain i caused him, off course i apologized, he accepted my apologiy, we talk sometimes, he calls to check up on me, now we haven’t talked for like four days and i don’t feel like calling him or texting him (unlike before when i was blowing his phone with calls and texts hehe) but he is just in my mind i wake up thinking about him, through out the day at work he is on my mind, at night.., basically every time, i look at myself through his eyes sometimes, lol wondering how he would think about my hairstyle e.t.c, i really loved him like crazy but i understand its over, its just the thoughts remaining, i don’t cry anymore i dealt with the pain and guilt and i came to terms with what i did and forgave myself( it was hard work..hard work, really hard but i did) what makes it easier is i pray for his happiness, peace and joy daily, and i always pray that he meets a gal who will love him unconditionally and treat him well and that he forgets about me and all that i did to him, sometimes when i see him on fb looking happy i just thank God and i feel like i am forgiven, by loosing him i have learnt so much about myself and what not to do do next time, i believe the relationship failed for a reason because i know next time i will treat my man better and i believe so. excuse the long text

  13. One of the best ways to stop thinking about your ex after a breakup – and to accept the loss of such an important relationship in your life – is to take time to think about the purpose of your life.

    Here’s an article to help you balance letting go with looking forward:

    9 Healing Ways to Find Your Life Purpose After a Sad Breakup

    You may never forget your ex, but you can move into a fresh new life! First, you grieve. Weep. Let go. Accept. Heal.

    And, take whatever glimpses of hope, joy, peace, and glory come your way. Hold on to the good, for there is still lots that is good.

  14. I think I could stop thinking about my ex boyfriend if I had a reason to live. I don’t want to stop living, I just wish I had a life purpose.I was with my boyfriend for 13 years and I dedicated my whole life to him. He was my reason for living, for breathing, for existing. Now that we’re over I don’t know how to stop thinking about him and I don’t know what the purpose of my life is. Can you help me? I know you don’t give relationship or breakup advice but maybe you could give me something to hang on to or work towards.

    Thank you so much, Maya

    1. Me and my ex have been apart for nearly 2 years we where together for 13 years we go back and forth with sleeping together n then he always hurts me but I keep going back probably why I can’t move on. He’s hurt me again for the 4th time and this time I’m determined to move forward n it’s hard he’s the first thing I think of waking up and before I go to bed. I constantly check my phone to see if he’s messaging me even harder we have a kid so communication is a must. Have you moved on what have you done to make it easier

  15. I’m in the beginning of a divorce that came out of the blue. My wife suffers from a mental illness and got off her medication. She acted violently in the home and threatened the children. The police were called but instead of having her hospitalized, I had her go with some friends of hers. The next day they helped her prepare for divorce. I haven’t spoken to her since (going on two months) and she has changed the narrative so many times as to why she wants to get a divorce. This is devastating to me and my children. I have hope that she will remember how much I love her, but in the meantime my therapist and lawyer have told me to cool down. This is so hard since before her breakdown we lived as if we were in love and I thought she was my best friend and I hers. My life is family is being ripped apart, I cry all the time, and luckily I am my own boss, so work hasn’t really been an issue. Also, luckily I have not been hurt physically (my doctor tells me i’m healthy). I just can’t give up yet and move on when the hope is that as quickly as she broke down, she can come home. But her friends are isolating her from her life and have prevented me from speaking with her. So I’m cooling down a bit, but until my lawyer says time to quit fighting, I’m not going to stop fighting for my family. But I don’t know what to do.

  16. Dear Jess,

    I can hear your pain. You are in a good marriage and you have children, yet you can’t stop thinking about your ex-boyfriend. You know that your husband is a better man for you then your ex boyfriend, and yet you can’t stop yourself from thinking about him. I’m sorry you’re going through this – it must be confusing and frustrating to have one foot in the present and one foot in the past.

    The healthiest way to move on from a past breakup is to fully grieve the end of the relationship. If you haven’t processed the breakup in healthy ways, then it will always come back to haunt you. It sounds like you didn’t fully grieve and let go of your ex boyfriend.

    Here is an article that may help:

    How to Heal Your Heart Without Relationship Closure

    You have clearly given your past relationship a lot of thought. Why do you think the breakup keeps coming back to consume your thoughts? What is going on? What do you think you need to let go of in order to move on from the past?

  17. I started dating my boyfriend at 15, he was 17, and he was my first serious boyfriend. We dated for about 5 years and he broke up with me during college. I loved him so much, and when he broke up with me, I didn’t take it lightly. I kept begging for him back for a year because he’s basically all I knew. Point being, he tried to connect with me a few years later but still wasn’t sure about me, so it didn’t work out. I think his family brainwashed him into thinking he could do better than me, and of course he probably got over me as well, and married a really pretty girl. The problem is now, 10 years later, I’m married with two kids, and he’s still all I think about. All day and every day. I still miss him. I love my husband. I think my husband is a much better person and lover than my ex was. But my ex wasn’t a horrible person either. I do regret the break up because I was definitely immature and felt like I was the reason to blame for the break up. I was actually quite horrible frankly, very bratty and self-entitled, and embarrassingly enough clingy and controlling. So I get it, he deserved to break up with me. I’m not that now, and have matured. I just hate that he consumes my mind, especially when I’m with my husband and kids. It kills me. If anybody has any advice, please, help me out.

  18. Dear Lacy,

    That’s the name I used to call the main character of the book I wrote in my head when I had trouble falling asleep at night, when I was a kid! Love that name…so pretty.

    It sounds there was a lot of drama in your relationship with your ex boyfriend and his ex girlfriend. Wow, she really did get into your head. Actually, I should say you really let her dig into your head and make a strong little nest there. For nobody can get into your head unless you let them.

    And nobody can get out of your head unless… guessed it! You let them out.

    So why are you holding on to your ex boyfriend’s ex girlfriend?

    What is really bothering you? Reread your last paragraph. I think you nailed it. Check out the sentence after “I can’t get her out of my head.” You actually say who you are really mad at, and you say why.

    So how does blaming your ex boyfriend’s ex girlfriend serve you? What are you getting out of this? Why are you holding on to this past relationship – especially when you have an amazing boyfriend now who loves your son?

    What do you need to learn and let go of, so you can move on?

    In peace and passion,

  19. Dear Niki,

    You are grieving, and you are discovering that it’s not easy to just stop thinking about your ex-boyfriend and move on with your life. You are in pain, your heart is broken, and you feel like you’ll never be happy again. You feel alone, like nobody really understands you or can help you move on. You have friends and family, but they can’t rescue you.

    But boy, are you smart! You see how emotionally dependent you were on your boyfriend. You gave him everything for seven whole years. Your boyfriend was your life…and your life has been unplugged.

    And it hurts so bad. I am sorry you’re going through this, and I wish it didn’t have to end up this way.

    You know something? You were exactly right in your second sentence: you said you are GOING THROUGH the worst phase in your life. You are limping and dragging your sad little bottom through this grieving period, this season of heartbreak and loss. You are moving forward and healing – even if it doesn’t feel like it.

    This, too, shall pass.

    Here’s what you can do to speed up the process:

    Read How to Let Go of Someone You Love

    Give yourself time to actively grieve. You have lost a huge part of your life and it takes time to heal.

    Start thinking about who you are going to become. You have lost a piece of your self-identity, and you need to recreate yourself. This can be good news, if you allow yourself to think that way. This can be a massively and hugely positive life changing event for you, if you teach yourself to be strong, positive, and healthy.

    And finally, start thinking about how it would feel if you let go of your pain and grief. What will it feel like to wake up in the morning and not be burdened by grief? What would it be like to feel happy, light, and YOURSELF again?

    It’s time to let go of the pain and pick up the healing.

    Are you willing?

    May peace and joy be yours,

  20. My situation is kind of strange and finding any type of book or internet article that relates has been slim to none.

    My ex boyfriend and I dated for a little over 2 years. When we first started dating he had a baby boy that was 8 months old and I helped raise him till right after he turned 3. The mother of this child was a narcissistic you know what… couldn’t do anything wrong, was impossible to get along with, and she made my boyfriend at the time feel like he was nothing constantly! I tried very hard to get along with her for the sake of their child and everyone’s sanity. When she was having a good day she was great to get along with but when she was having a bad day she was impossible to get along with. This caused A LOT of frustration and arguments in my relationship and I developed a hatred for her. It was to the point that he would practically bow down to anything she wanted and wouldn’t put up a fight. It made me so angry. I am the kind of person who likes to get along with everyone, I know I am a good person and easy to get along with so if one person does not like me, I will dwell on it and do whatever I can to change their mind. That’s one thing I truly hate about myself. I wish I had the power to move on and not care.

    So long story short. Him and I had stayed together but I moved out for about 6 months to give each other some space. (This was after we were together for a year) I got a cat during that time and he had always had a pit bull. I moved back in with him but his and cat and my dog did not get along. His dog attacked my cat which racked up a $1500 vet bill that I am still paying on. He told me to get rid of the cat without caring about the sentimental meaning of that cat and that hurt my feelings. During this time the ex girlfriend (baby momma) couldn’t have been more of my best friend. She was “sticking up” for me to him about the situation which made my walls come down. Him and I were in a constant fight daily about stupid things because I was just angry with him. So I did what no one should ever do, I opened up to his ex girlfriend about our relationship. She told me I could do better and he will never change and this, that, and the other. I am pretty good when it comes to being one step ahead of people but she got be good here. The ex and I got into a physical altercation a few days later where the cops were called and now he is facing two domestic violence charges. When she found out about it she told me to call the cops, told me that I could have a cop escort to get all my things out of the house and that she would come help me. Next thing I know shes taking him clothes to the jail, having her daddy recommend an attorney and telling me not to speak to her or any of his family but to go through his attorney. SAY WHAT!? I was floored! I am not saying that because of her all this happened, but she got into my head good and got exactly what she wanted and that was him. So now, the ex girlfriend who tore him apart, made him cower down, had him in tears, and a lot of times made him want to give up on life is now as close as could be to him. He’s picking her flowers and telling her she’s beautiful.

    So here is where I am mentally screwed up about this entire situation. I could care less about my ex boyfriend. I hardly think about my ex boyfriend and I wish him the best. But the ex girlfriend… I can’t get her out of my head. I am mad at myself for letting her in my head, in my relationship. I mean, I knew better. What was I thinking? I guess I saw it as a way for us to bond. I don’t know… I currently have a boyfriend now who would go above and beyond for my son and I and he does every. single. day. I love him to pieces but I feel like I can’t move on from this situation because I can’t get over her. If that makes sense…


    1. Hello Lacy,

      There is no blame on you.
      It seems the woman you are talking about has borderline syndome.
      So it actually makes sence that you are having difficulties with dealing with the situation.
      People with Borderline are masters of manipulation.
      They see themselves as the main stars of a soap opera and they can quickly change roles in order to fullfil their needs.
      But he will never be happy with her, trust me on this one.
      And neither will she, because someone with borderline will never be satisfied.
      My mom has borderline syndrome too, and even though my parents got devorced 15 years ago; she is still pulling the strings on him.
      My advice to you is to stay away from her and your ex and be gladd they are both out of your lives, because changes are she would have turned your friends and relatives against you.
      You are very lucky to have her out of your life.
      I wish you well, don’t look at the past but look for a brighter future.

  21. Hi Laurie,
    This article helped a little. I am going through the most worst phase in my life, where my boyfriend of 7 years left me out of blue. The reason he gave was that his parents did not agree and that he did not want to go against them. This is really killing me as our Marriage talks were started and everyone knew that we were getting married.
    I am in shock as to how a person who promised me a life together and to stand in thick and thin with me, could leave me like this. This is tearing me apart, as to I am not able to get over this. 7 years is a long time, and I had given all of myself to him, including my individuality. His parents wanted me to leave my job and work and sit-at-home to which I also agreed. I am shocked as to how him and his parents could not see what all I was ready to do for them and him. I loved him dearly, more than myself. I never knew how to love myself, never did I try. I was always emotionally dependent on him, thus, I don’t know how to move on. This feels like I am thrown into a suddenly new life, unsure of what I want, what the future holds, how to love me.
    Living without him is becoming difficult. Thinking him being married to someone else is the thought I dread the most. I don’t even know if I would be able to love someone else ever. All this is breaking me apart. Gives me anxiety attacks, every morning I wake up, I forget that he has left me, it hits me hard. My friends are too busy in their own lives to give that much attention. My parents are worried, I don’t want to bother anyone. But I dread living alone, without him. I feel I am going into depression, there is no meaning of life after him leaving.
    Please help me!!

  22. My ex girlfriend started the relationship off by beating me up every time she was drunk, four years later she finally stopped but she controlled me. Another 5 years on (9 years together) and I couldn’t handle life anymore, I was smoking weed all day, i’m now in a lot of debt due to trying to be a good boyfriend. I thought that breaking up with her would be good for me but it’s been a year and half now since the relationship ended. I’ve cycled over mountains, cooked great food, moved house 4 times, learned to play the guitar, taken up graphic design, read books, taught myself to swim, made new friends, had a couple of one-night-stands. But i’m still regretting it everyday, I still hate myself for letting her go. I was her carer and partner.

    My counsellor says I have Stockholm Syndrome but I know. I love her and I threw her away for the wrong reason, that’s what I keep telling myself and I fear that if I move on then I won’t be able to take her back when she finally returns to me one day… I think we could have continued and been great together one day. I always remember the amazing times, how lovely she could be and picture her smile constantly. I’ll keep on trying new things but I miss her everyday and everyday I have to stop myself from crying. I don’t think i’ll ever love again.

  23. Dear Misha,

    You hit the nail on the head when you said that your feelings of wanting revenge are “black”! They will drag you down – and they’ll make it even harder for you to stop thinking about your ex boyfriend.

    I wrote this for you, to help you let go of him and move forward in peace and joy.

    How to Get Revenge on Your Ex – Without Losing Your Soul

    You WILL find love and happiness in a new relationship! Trust that your life is unfolding exactly the way it’s meant to. God has a plan and a purpose for you, and you will find it. Now, you must heal from the breakup and learn how to stop thinking about your ex…you must grieve and let him go.

    I hope the article helps, and will keep you in my prayers.

    – Laurie

  24. Your tips on how to stop thinking about your ex boyfriend are good. But I have one obstacle: my ex won’t leave me alone. He keeps trying to hurt me because I broke up with him, and he can’t accept the breakup. He refuses to let me go in peace. The worst thing he did last night was call my mom in the middle of the night. When she hung up on him, he kept calling back. My mom isn’t in good health. She called the police, and they visited him because he threatened her. Now all I can think of is getting revenge on him. I think he’ll leave us alone now, which will make it easier for me to stop thinking about him…except now I just want to revenge my ex! How do I let go of these black feelings???

  25. Dear Caroline,

    Thank you for being here, and for sharing your heart with us! It sounds like you’ve really tried to stop thinking about your ex and get on with your life…but something is holding you back. I wonder what it could be?

    You sound like a self-aware and insightful woman, and you’re willing to dig into your psyche to find out what’s going on. Have you read any books about healing from a past relationship, or talked to a counselor about getting on with your life? Talking to a counselor can be particularly helpful, because he or she can give you guidance and an objective perspective on your life and past relationship.

    I don’t have any answers for you, but here are some questions to help you discover what’s going on. You’ll find that finding your own answers has a much greater effect than me giving you advice – especially since I really don’t know enough about you or your situation to tell you what to do.

    How does your past relationship keep you safe from moving into this new relationship?
    How does it protect you from being vulnerable or hurt?
    How does it give you power and control?
    What would you experience if you were completely over your past marriage?

    And, here’s an article that may help you:

    How to Get Over a Breakup When You Don’t Have Closure

    I will keep you in my prayers, for strength and healing and comfort. You might be encouraged by my free weekly newsletter, called SheBlossoms. I help women look upwards to grow healthy and strong, emotionally and spiritually. You may find it helpful, and you can sign up above.

    Take care of yourself. Listen for that still small voice – for you are smarter, stronger, and braver than you know.


  26. Hi Laurie, thanks for the interesting article. In my case, I was married for five years with a man who developed an addiction to alcohol soon after our marriage. When I left him, I had to force myself, because I had always thought that he was “the ONE”, and I adored him, I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I kept crying for him for other two years and a half. I cried because I couldn’t accept that this had happened, and because I felt guilty towards him, as he also kept loving me and he experienced all sorts of troubles apart from those caused by his drinking. I felt that I broke my promise to be with him in good and bad times, and that, instead of supporting him, I ran away… and I felt responsible for what happened to him. I felt guilty, and I felt, and maybe still feel, that I can’t be happy without him, and that I can’t be happy until he is not happy. I feel guilty about being happy, while he isn’t. Rationally, I understand that it doesn’t make sense, but it looks like, deep inside, I still think he was the one, and he can’t be replaced. I have had other relationships after him, but very short, because I felt like I was cheating on him. Finally, I found someone who was so much better than him! Someone who truly loved me and adored me, and was willing to do anything for me. But… after a few months, he has left me because he feels that I don’t love him enough, and that my ex is still more important than him, in my mind. I don’t really know… I think I’ve made a lot of progress since I’ve started with him, but it’s true that I found it difficult to tell him that I loved him. But why? Is it true that I am still in love with my ex and therefore my heart is “unavailable” for anyone else, or is it simply because I don’t love this new one? But why shouldn’t I love him, if he’s perfect for me? Thanks

  27. My wife and I have been separated for 2 yrs now we’ve been married for 15 tho and I’m still in love with her!! We’ve been in contact in and out for the 2 yrs but no real quest to get back together! I’ve been a relationship doing this time but now broken up from it and I still can’t get over not being with her and it still hurts to see with another man! She sends me messages all the time telling me she loves me still, we’ll see each other soon, she tells me happy bday every year. But when I ask her to come back or do she want a divorce she doesn’t reply or say we are already because of the separation of 2 years, of course We all know it doesn’t just go away! So she tells me we will see each other soon and it will be what it suppose to be? I’m like what does that mean? Then I see her on line with another new guy saying she is grateful for him taking care of her, but tell me he cracked her ribs and verbally abuses her everyday! But our relationship was always good we broke because of a baby death. What I’m really asking is she leading me on, or should I keep waiting? Or should just divorce her because she won’t give a strait yes or no!! I’ll be really hurt if it all ends but I’m prepared to move on with my faith and building with my Lord and Savior!

  28. It’s funny, how old relationships, memories, and ex husbands can come back to haunt us! After all those years, you’d think that you wouldn’t have to learn how to stop obsessing about your ex.

    It must have been seeing your ex husband that triggered your feelings. Seeing him brought back memories of your marriage – and perhaps even reminded you of your dreams of having a family.

    Maybe it’s strange that you’re thinking about him a lot now, but to me it seems normal and natural to me, that seeing your ex husband brings up these thoughts and memories. “Out of sight, out of mind”, right?

    In my article How to Stop Obsessing About What Happened, I share 3 specific tips to help people let go of the past. Here’s the full article and link:

    How to Stop Obsessing About What Happened

    I hope it helps, and wish you all the best as you move forward with your life! And may your faith in God grow and be strengthened through this.


  29. I been divorced nearly 20 years and I had long ago gotten to the point I could live without my ex-husband and had accepted that we were not going to be together any longer. I even broke all ties with him family. I never remarried or dated because I had no mind to do so. As a matter of fact when I was young it was my mind to be married only once. But recently, his mother texted me and invited me to her wedding and I decided to go last minute. As you can imagine he was there and I tried to leave without speaking to him but was cornered by him and he asked how I was doing. And now his name is on my mind constantly. I pray and I beg not to be bothered by him because it seems as though I have a mental condition that is plaguing me. I know that eventually I will stop thinking about him because it happen before when we first parted ways. I feel the need to talk to him and let him know my feelings whatever they may be. I really do not know what they are. I know that he has moved on and I have accepted that but the question is “What is the real deal?” I know that I love him but I do not have to be with him because real love can let go and that is what I call myself doing. Our separate has not hindered me and I thank GOD that HE has been a constant companion. Anybody have any thoughts about my situation. To me it is quite strange.

    1. That’s hard but maybe you can resist your feelings when you see him. It’s hard to stop thinking about your ex and be free, but if you let go then you won’t have to go through the stuggle once again

  30. HI! We are a Creative Agency currently producing a major documentary series with the first title addressing ex partner obsession and Cyberstalking + its effects.
    Have you ever experienced a situation like that or do you know somebody that has experienced a situation regarding this topic? I believe that sharing your story can help other people and it will be fascinating to explore your thoughts on the matter. If interested, please write me back or write to reality at Thank you! Best regards.

  31. So, I am a fairly young person who just happened to fall in love with an even younger person. I am a lesbian. I am 15 years old. She was only 13 at the time. We both attended different schools. I was in Early college and she was in middle school. We were not in the relationship that long. Just long enough to get attached, emotionally and mentally. It all started by a comment on my instagram picture(Kind of pathetic, I know) she was asking for my kik. So I gave it to her and she messaged me. I had known her, since we had went to the same middle school when I was in eighth grade. We only talked for a couple of hours that day. Long enough for her to tell me that I was beautiful and all the nice, sweet things a girl wants to hear. Then a couple days later, we started talking again. She had gotten back with her ex, once again and apparently I broke that up. But it was all her choice. About three days later we met up at the middle school. That was the day that I asked her to be my girlfriend. She said yes and we went on from there. We were together for about a month and a half when she broke up with me. She didn’t give me a reason. She just did it. Then about three hours after breaking up, she told me that she wanted to try to be with her other ex. Then the next day, she came crawling back. So, then we got together again. Then a little bit after our two months, I let her do something that I should’ve waited way longer to do(If you know what I mean) it was my first time. Then she broke up with me about three weeks later. She did the exact same thing as the first time. That happened another time in December as well. Then we got back together before Christmas. Then about a month later, I found out that she had cheated on me with her ex on Christmas eve. But the funny thing is that I found that out from her other ex and she totally denied it for like five straight hours. This was in the beginning of 2016 when I found out. Then she left me again. Crawled back. Left me like two days before valentines day, crawled back. Left me again in March, crawled back and then again in april. She came crawling back once again but thats when it stopped. Now she is currently dating her ex and it’s only been like three weeks since we broke up. More than seven months and shes already moved on, or moved back.I know we weren’t together that long but she was my first actual love. She was my first everything. Now she’s acting as if I have done something wrong. She’s giving me dirty looks whenever I see her. She’s blocked me on everything, pretty much. But for some reason, I still keep thing about her. I don’t miss her or want her back. I mean I do love her, but I always will. But I’m not sad of it. I just want her out of my head so I can get on with my life.

  32. Hi i am 16 yers now i was with a girl who cheated on me 5 months ago and broke up with me ….we have reltion of 2 years bt how can she cheat on me ..when i was with him i always think she love me more than i do she was dominating bt she cheat cheat on me with another guy she abusie me betrayed my feeling nd even dont care …i m always thinking about him i dont why bt i do i want to stop thinking about him i know she not deserve me bcouz she is a chaeter i dont know what to do pls give me some advice

  33. Please help! I was in a relationship for nearly 2 years! We met in my second last year of highschool and he was a kid who had come from a bad background and looked like he just wanted to get on the right track so I decided to stay by his side and help him as he had no family or anyone and I really did like him. The first 6 months were amazing, but then he got caught being the middle guy of drug dealing (he had done this before we started going out, and I had said to him he was to stop anything to do with drugs if he wanted to date me) he got expelled from school and that was hard because I lost my best friend there and we had big plans.. Anyway as the year went on things started to get so hard! I had left my family in another country to be with him and help support him but he kept being really naughty and as time went on he stared being very hurtful towards me.. Halfway through the year he got caught drinking and driving and by then I had gone into depression as I was failing school (there was a lot of other horrible things going on) but still I thought because he loved me surely he would do better for me? At the end of the year I wanted to end things because I was going back to see my family but he begged me he wanted to work things out and do long distance and so I did but then as soon as I left he started getting very jealous and on Valentine’s Day he told me he didn’t want to be with me because he wanted female company in his bed and I wasn’t there! I tried to contact him again to see if we could still be friends but he just told me if I ever contact him again he wall call the police on me because I’m a jerk who has problems.. He got a drug conviction so he can’t leave the country but I still can’t stop thinking about him and everything I sacrificed for him and I just feel so crap constantly! I don’t want to get back with him but I do love him and I hate myself for it because he is a horrible person but I just can’t stop thinking about him what do I do! I’ve tried everything

  34. I think the reason you’re spending hours searching for answers to your situation is because the answers aren’t “out there.” They’re in you.

    Nobody can tell you how to stop thinking about your ex, because your relationship — and you, and your ex — are complicated and full of all sorts of mystery and history! You and he have been through so much together, and you and he have been through alot as individuals, as well.

    I don’t have the answers you seek. But, I do have a few questions for you.

    What do you need to do, to get out of this downward spiral?
    Since it’s not possible to suddenly stop loving him, how can you let go and grieve the end of your relationship?
    Where can you get guidance and support?

    I know you believe that you don’t know what to do and you’re lost, but the truth is that you DO know what you need to do. You may not want to admit it or face it, but you know. You have the answers. You know yourself, and you know him.

    The best way to work through this is with someone in person, who can give you the guidance and support you need. I can’t do this for you. You need to talk through your emotions, and you need to come to your own conclusion about how to let go of your ex.

    Do you really believe that you can’t move on? If so, this means you’ll be stuck where you are for the rest of your life. How does this make you feel?

    I encourage you to get one of the books I described in my article, and start finding ways to discover your own wisdom, strength and courage. You DO have the answers and you ARE strong enough to move on! You just need to reach out in the right ways, to the right people and resources. Counselors, books, even womens helplines have alot to offer…if you have the courage to reach out and call.

  35. Dear Laurie,
    I have never posted on one of these forums before but, like every else on here I spend hours on end trying to find answers to my situation as well and you seem to be the only one I’ve come across who genuinely cards and gives your honest opinion without judgment which is what I desperately need. My ex and I met and fell in love at 19 we moved into our first apartment together 6 months later and have been together up until last September. We had 11 years together, never cheated never split up so I trusted him with everything I had things got rocky when our daughter was born because financially we were struggling and it was taking a toll on our relationship but, never would I have imagined this. We have a 3 year old son and our daughter now 8 became friends with a girl in her class and in turn her mother lisa, and I became very close as wel .. after 11 years we finally set a date of October 2015 to be married Lisa came with me to purchase my gown n was on my wedding until I found out on September 6 exactly one month before our wedding that her and my fiance had been having an affair for 3 months I can’t explain the devesyation and darkness I got lost in. My fiance lost himself when he cheated and left myself and our two children. Over the last year and 7 months he has gone back and forth between myself and Lisa he literally hasn’t worked in months all he does is drink every night to numb reality and I honestly thought he made a mistake n it would never have gone this far but, every time I pull away he comes running back pleading to give us one more chance but it never lasted long before I’d wake up to him gone again. I realized I went from being the fiance to the other women and my children were in the middle and I just can’t do it anymore. He calls me crying at least 3 times every week just saying how much he loves me and doesn’t know how to find his way back he is so lost and as of right now I’ve finally started the process of letting him go but, my problem is that he was back and forth this whole time so we remained intimate and tryingto fix things well I was at least so, this is the first time I’ve cut those ties and it’s all hitting me now like a ton of bricks!! I have to see him every weekend when he comes for the kids and he continues to tell me everything I want to hear but, his actions prove otherwise. I’m trying to fit everything into one post so I’m sure I sound crazy but, bottom line is this man was all I had literally I have no immediate family he and my children are my world he was my best friend, my husband and the person I depended on an trusted most and after 11 years and two beautiful children together he just walked away for a life of partying and no responsibility I wish I could hate him or MOVE on but I can’t. I have not attempted to date because I honestly thought we would get through this now I’m alone to raise our children on a part time job and no idea how to do any of this on my own. I literally feel like I’m in mourning and he’s living a whole new life with a woman and raising her children and not his own I get so angry but. The pain is unbearable i honestly feel like I lost myself trying to fix our family and I don’t know who iam or what to do he thinks I’m always going to be here so he can take a break and play house an come back when he wants because I allowed him to for so long and for that and many other reasons I know he is not going to change and the only thing left to do for myself and my children is to finally let him go and accept this but how do I do thst? How do I just stop loving the only man I ever have? I’m sorry for the novel I truly am this is my first time speaking about my emotions and situation to a complete stranger and I chose not to talk about it for so long thinking some how if I didn’t acknowledge it it isn’t real but it is.. please give me some advice.

  36. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Your ex girlfriend’s personality won’t change. She will always be the worst friend you could have asked for, and she will never be right for you. She’s going through her own problems, and she can’t be in a relationship with you right now.

    Instead of trying to figure out how to stop thinking about your ex, you might focus on creating a life that is fulfilling, interesting, and meaningful! What are you passionate about, what do you love to do? Get off the internet, get away from Facebook, and stop playing video games online. Get into your community. Make friends who are doing interesting things with their lives, who are spiritual and deep and healthy.

    What can you do to take your power back? If you can find your strengths and joys in life, you won’t have to think about how to stop thinking about your ex. You’ll be happily riding the flow of your life!

  37. met a girl two years ago, soon as I saw her I thought this was the most beautiful women I ever seen, to my luck a year later she reached out to me, her ex fiancé dumped her and moved. , her son died. spent the next 7 months with the most beautiful women, having so much fun, we both fell in love, 4 months ago she broke it off for many reasons, her head is all over the place shes still a grieving mother, im not fully available. Dr jekyl mr hide showed up in her personality. Either way I absolutely adore this women, but she proved to be the worst friend I could have asked for. but I cannot let her go mentally. Meanwhile an ex gf is still by my side over all this, being the best friend you can ask for. I know this beautiful women isn’t right for me but cannot get her out of my system, She ended the whole thing which blind sided me. I was devastated on where all this came from. I still give her the benefit of the doubt due to the death of her son. I feel I need one more chance to be with her and when the situations allow us too. What do you suggest thanks

  38. I have tried everything. I called out to god several times, I said god if you’re as powerful as people say you are, can create everything then prove it. All I ask is for a small task.. To end my suffering. Guess what, I’m still suffering. And for those who say he works in mysterious ways, or he’s teaching me something else I call bs. I can say that if I were calling out to the sun, the wind, the Easter bunny etc. so I say to God again.. Prove it.

  39. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thank you for being here, and for having the courage to share! You’re brave and strong, and I’m glad you opened up. I can’t give advice, but I am a good listener.

    One thing you said made me curious, though….you said you have nothing to fill the void. I wonder what it would be like if you started looking for something to fill that void? What sorts of things interest you, inspire you, make you excited to be alive?

    Finding a purpose in your life may be key to stop obsessing about your ex and getting on with your life. What do you think?

  40. I am soo lost. it was my first relationship in years and was mostly consisted of a number of months of mostly emails. he wound himself around my every minute which I did worry about during as it was all done on his schedule. he was in touch from the moment I got up till the I went to sleep. he ending it by text. so couldnt get closure and finish on good terms. I never really understood how net peodophiles or con men opperated till now. he was full of encouragement and compliments online. it was like being with 2 different people. he had a much more severe form of our disability than me. He continually made me feel guilty of how his exes treated him then after telling me there was no spark he then used my condition against me the same way people have done to us both. I just feel totally used, if the spark wasn’t present from day one then he used me.he couldn’t move from the waist down and with a mix of nice words manipulated me into being intimate with him. asking that of a girl with having feelings for her is cheap, degrading and dirty. in all honestly I don’t miss seeing him in person as it didn’t happen enough and never alone but he made me dependent on the daily contact. I am mad at myself for being used. and mad at myself for letting it continue via email after we met. and I am mad at myself for not being able to get him out my head. its not him its the loss of a future i am grieving for. His main aim was sex and I didn’t give it up. he seemed really sweet and caring. I worried about having to hurt him, as in some ways he seemed very young for a man in his 30s. I should never have continued the new relationship after finding him on a web-sight advertising for no strings sex. Sorry for going on but cant talk to family and am very isolated. thanks for listening. I just want to move on but have nothing to fill the void on a daily bases.

  41. I pray daily and in my prayers I prayed that God will bless my relationship with my (now ex) boyfriend. I prayed for faith in each other and or faith in God. I prayed that we live our ways together in the way God’s will and serving other people with love the way He has teach his children to spread love. But… we break up anyway.

    I am devastated because we’ve been through a lot together and still remain strong as a couple. I raised my thanks to the Lord because we are still together and thanks for the blessings He gave me, to us. But now, I am torn because everything that I prayed for, God given me the otherwise.

    My faith is still with the Lord. Although it’s hard to accept the sayings “Everything happens for a reason..” I still can’t wrap my mind around it. How could a loving couple just break like that?

    Is God punishing me? Or is this a test from God?
    If it’s a test, then This is a test I don’t know if I can go through. I think about what went wrong..and I think about what could I do to make it different. I think about love that is not there anymore.

    I’m obsessed over the thoughts of him and wondering if he thinks of me..or miss me, which he is not. I still love him..and miss him a lot. I miss us.

    I prayed to God that he gave me comfort to my restless heart. And guide me to a better life.

    1. Hello, Deby. Today I stumbled upon this article in the hopes of getting help for my own break up. I don’t know if you are still going through the pain of your separation with the guy you love (I hope not, though), but it’s just nice to know that someone out there is experiencing or had experienced the same thing as I am.. I am still going through it like it’s happened yesterday, and I don’t know how to get him off my skin because he appears in my head every single day. I need help.. I really do.. I pray to God every night for Him to release the pain and anger the relationship had brought in my life. I know I am very young to bother this kind of event, but my life has never been that eventful ever since I met him. But now that he’s gone, without any reason why, I don’t know where to go. What can I do? I just want this to stop.. I want it over.. I want it to end right now.. How? Just how..

  42. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thank you for sharing your experience here. It sounds like your relationship ended painfully, and it’s understandable that you’re having a hard time learning how to stop obsessing about your ex.

    I can’t offer advice on how to stop obsessing about your ex. But, here are three questions to think about:

    When do you feel calm, centered, and at peace with yourself? What are you doing, who are you with, what time of day?

    What is the first step you can take towards getting over this break up?

    Why do you think you can’t stop obsessing about your ex? What are your root fears (eg, are you scared you’ll never be loved again? Are you jealous that he might move on? Are you embarrassed to tell your friends or family that you’re single?)

    The best tip on how to stop obsessing about your ex is to renew your relationship with God. He loves you deeply and sees you as His precious child! You are special to Him, and He just wants you to be happy and healthy. You will find peace and joy in His presence, if you take time to seek Him out. He will help heal your problems, and make you feel better about your life and future.

    I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


  43. I’m having problems getting over my boyfriend and I’m still seem to be obsessing about my ex. He crowds into my thoughts a 100 times a day. I’m trying my best to forget about him, however, despite what I’ve read and the advice I’ve gotten, I CAN’T GET him OUT OF MY HEAD! I feel like I’m going through my days as half a person, with nothing ahead of me but regrets about what might have been….how do I stop my thoughts and my obsession over him. He doesn’t loves me and I think he never did. Please help me

    1. @Jsntgirl, hey im on the same boat.. cant get her out of my head.. like everyday i think about things reminds me of her, seeing the type of girls that look like her reminds me of her.. too much cant focus.. sometimes im ok, then BAM. i get overwhelmed with the thoughts.. but yea you are not alone.. just imagine working with them both and seeing them both at work everyday.. thats how it was months ago until i quit. i understand your pain.. wish i can help u..or i wish we had a remedy of this.. but i also wanna know how to get rid of her out of my head…

  44. How do you get over, let go, move on, and not think about them when they live above you and you see them and their new gf everyday?

    1. How did you stop thinking about your ex? I have kinda a similar situation, except that i live with him still as housemates, we in same class in uni and most our friends all common. Have you managed your situation?

  45. Thank you for this, I’m having such a hard time not thinking about my ex… and I was the one that ended it.

    It wasn’t even a bad relationship it was great I felt so comfortable with him and we were so compatible, he was kind and trustworthy and he said himself he is/was a “nice guy” so I think sometimes because it was my first serious thing I was just nervous of something new? .. But when it came to being official online and I think the whole world to know I freaked out, I wasn’t ready and I was unsure, even though our friends and family knew. I just didn’t get why I felt so unsure after a week.

    I got confused and sick with worry I wasn’t sleeping or eating because I was confused and I thought to myself “well, if this is truly what I wanted I wouldn’t feel so unsure and I’d want to fight for this” but then am I just someone who doesn’t really try with anything and everything is effort? I had all these thoughts in my mind I decided to end it after only a couple of months of being “official” together. I think what’s worse is that we work together.

    I literally think about him all day every day (I’ve just pretty much spent my whole day off thinking of him and reading “how to stop thinking of your ex” posts. Sad I know.) I’m scared I’m going to keep thinking about him and just him when it comes to other guys too. Like, did I just mess something up that could have been great and was he “the one”. I’m scared I just bailed out on something and not try as hard as I should have and I regret it but at the same time I don’t want to try again in case I feel the exact same feelings as I did of nervousness of actually wanting it and then it messes up all over again it’d be too confusing for him.

  46. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    That’s a great question, Brian, thanks for asking it here! I think it’s wonderful that you’re interesting in pursuing a relationship with God; the peace, freedom, and joy you’ll experience is priceless.

    I have lots of suggestions for you, and can’t fit them all here! So I wrote this article:

    I hope it helps – please feel free to ask me questions about God and Christianity on that article! If anything can help you learn how to stop obsessing about your ex and get on with your life, God can 🙂


  47. Thank you! I want to follow Christ but I am struggling so much. My past relationship brought this up out of me, and I feel directionless and don’t know where to start. I don’t want to go to church and I dont have any Christian friends, what is my problem?! What Bible portions should I read? Thank you again.

  48. Hi… I am Keth…I had a break up 4 months back. .it was a 5 yrs relationship. the reason was we had too many fights…n d distance grew…but I loved him very much…I can not think of any other man in my life even now…but then he cheated me at the end…he celebrated my birthday n on d very next day told me that he was in love with someone else…now we meet every weekend for classes. ..n he seemed to take care of me there. ..talked to me nicely …n even prefer to travel with me….I was ok at first…but now its really affecting me…I dont know how to react?..I suffered a lot in the initial weeks….I feel like its coming again….I have started obssessibg about him….after we separate…n when I don’t get any response from his side….I get depressed. .n loneliness grabs me…..plz help..

    1. I wish i can be there for you.. i am in the same boat(3 years with her).. i had to quit my job, and move out of state because of this. and now im obsessing about her and the guy she cheated on me with for so long.. i spent christmas, new years, V-day alone while she was with him and we broke up 1 week before christmas. i used to live with her and we used to work at the same company and she met him there and i used to see them both everyday together laughing, enjoying themselves in my face.. theres more.. and cant type it all on here.

      I just want you to know that u are not alone we can hold each other virtually and wait for some kind of help and answer… it really sucks.. the depression and loneliness, seeing other couples happiness kills me..

      1. Hi there wish we could connect because there is no one in my circle I can talk to about my pain losing the man I loved. My situation is also very complex.

  49. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Joe,

    Thank you for being here, and for sharing your experience. It sounds like you’re feeling confused and conflicted about your relationship, and you’re very much in love with your girlfriend. I can’t give advice, but I do wonder about knowing if you can spend the rest of your life with someone after knowing her for two months. I know it’d take me longer than that, but we’re all different!

    My prayer for you is for peace, strength, and wisdom. May you listen to the guidance of people you respect, and may your ears be open to the truth. I pray that you find clarity, that you are able to see reality and your relationship clearly, even if it hurts you. I pray that the truth becomes a sword that is quick and powerful, although painful for some time to come. Sometimes we have to admit and accept what we don’t want to admit or accept….and sometimes that’s the best way forward.

    May you know deep down what the right and best thing for you and your girlfriend is, and may you make decisions out of strength and wisdom. May you not be led astray by insecurity, desperation, or neediness. I pray that you are filled with confidence, and that you make the right decision for yourself even if it causes short-term pain and grief. I pray you find ways to rebuild yourself emotionally, spiritually, and physically, and that you are guided by a force stronger than yourself. I pray for God’s blessing on your life, your future, and your body. Amen.

    In peace and passion,

  50. I don’t know why it’s so difficult to stop obsessing about your ex and get on with your life, but I do believe it’ll never really be behind you. The losses I’ve experienced in my life don’t really go away. They fade, and some days are more free than others.

    Maybe the best we can do is accept that our ex will always be part of our life, and surrender part of our heart to the past. We’re not robots; our pasts will affect us forever. We don’t have power over that, but we CAN claim power over how our thoughts affect us.

    My prayer for everyone who is obsessing about an ex husband or ex wife is for acceptance, peace, and surrender. May we we acknowledge our loss, grieve the end of the relationship, and open our hearts and minds to the people we have right in front of us. May we love fully and deeply, and may we live in the present moment. I pray for gratitude for the blessings we have – and for acceptance for the things we don’t have. May God bless our days with love, peace, joy, and strength. Amen.

    In peace and passion,

    1. Dear Laurie,
      My name is Joe and I am 36 years old and in a relationship with a woman that I truely adore. We have been seeing eachother about 2 months. I got a text from a girl I dated about a year ago that I have not showed any interest in in about 9 months. The text read that she now has a place of her own and that she was staying in her new place for the first time that night. I wasnt sure how to respond to that and my current girlfriend was laying in bed right next to me. I asked her how I should respond. She asked to see my phone, and she texted her saying, in a very nice way, that this was Joes gf, he is no longer interested. Good luck with your new place and please do not contact him any further. The girl replied back that I had tried to get her to come over to my place 2 weeks earlier, which was not the case in the least. Again, I had not spoken to this woman in 9 months. I explained to my gf that this woman is a very jealous and controling person and that is the reason it didnt workout between us and that nothing like that had ever happened. Shortly after that, a few days, she had left her work phone in my truck and asked if I could bring it to her later on that evening. I said indeed that I could. When I took her phone out of the glovebox of my truck, the phone was ringing, so I tried to answer it and when I did, there was no answer and her text messages popped up. I know that it is not right to look through another persons phone, but something, my gut, brain, heart, something was telling me that I needed to find out why I had this pit in my stomache. So with her text messages already open, there was a very vulgar text from about 2 and a half weeks earlier from a guy she used to date. Although her responce to him was in no way volgar back to him, it still made me wonder what was going on. So I asked her about it and what was going on with him. She told me nothing and I absolutely believe her. But the more I thought about it, the more it really started to bother me. I asked her about it again a few days ago, and now she says she is mad at me and doesnt want to break up, but that she needs a pause. All I can do is think about her non-stop and wonder what shes doing, who she may be talking to, where she might be, and is this the beginning of the end? We used to talk every morning on her way to work, text eachother all day while we are at work, and talk every night before going to bed. Now there are hardly no texts, no phone calls, and I feel like she doesnt even think about me. She says that shse needs time to process all thar has happened within the last week. She seems to think that I am very insecure and needy, when in reality, all I want is for her to be happy because she just got out of a very abusive relationship with a man of 6 yetars. I truely do love this woman with all of my heart and soul and would do anything for this woman. I truely believe she is who I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. What should I do? How do I make it easier on myslef, and how would you suggest I deal with what is going on in our relationship? Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

  51. My husband of 7 years left me in 1999 to date his students (he is a history professor at Elmira College). For 14 years I have been fine, found better love, and have a great 5th grade son. But I got word that over the summer, he finally married one of his students. He is 26 years older than she is. Suddenly, I am overwhelmed with thoughts of anger and sadness that are impacting my life negatively, as well as my wonderful, current husband’s well-being. Why can’t I let go when my life is so much better now than it was then?

    1. Wow. I can relate! I was married for 23 years when my cheating husband and his home wrecking former student destroyed our family. He is also a professor who is 26 years older than she is, and they got married within a couple of months after our divorce was final. It has been 4 years since I found out about his betrayal and one year since our divorce, and I’m now with a wonderful, loving man, but the hurt and anger are still inside me. I hope the karma bus hits the two of them, but I wish I just didn’t care!

  52. here is a few of the techniques I have used.
    watch the godfather. the scene with the godfather and his godson johnny?. Johnny is crying about not getting a part in the movie…I don’t know what to do godfather. Godfather, grabs him by the head and yells….’you can be a man’. So when that image pops up….say ‘you can be a man’. funny, too.
    another way to stop thinking about your ex is a meditative technique. if the image pops up just say to yourself….’thinking”. it will dissolve.
    also, and in the end…its just sex, dude
    my most effective tool has been the enormous relief that came with accepting that the horror show is gone.

  53. Dear Laurie,

    My ex broke up with me a few days ago, we were in a serious relationship for more than a year
    And suddenly he just told me that he lost the feeling (love) and that he wants to be
    Single again. He wants to go out and have fun with friends while I sit here and cry
    Over him, he caused me to neglect my friends. I love him very much, but it hurts that he does not feel the samE way.
    I know he still cares and that he wants to be friends, but he spends very little time
    With me. I keep talking to him and it hurts when he mentions his friends, I feel
    Like they were the reason he broke up with me, it really hurts that he can just
    Forget everything… I can’t help but feel lonely, he made me give up everyone, he was
    My best friend and my lover, now I have nothing.

    1. Im going through something almost the same but we been together for five years and have three kids together and 3 years ago we moved across the us so i don’t even have family we are not broken up completely as i live with hom but it feels like it

      1. What a piece of garbage (little “g”) he is to do that to you. He’s not a man.

        You most certainly DO have something. You are two hundred pounds lighter (because he’s gone emotionally or otherwise), and you have the hope of your whole future ahead of you–maybe even with someone who will actually BE a man.

        And, not to rub it in, best to have kids with someone you’re married to–are you married? Either way, I know that it hurts; but if you are married, he has a responsibility to you. If you aren’t, he doesn’t, even if you have kids. That is the downside of not being in a fully committed married relationship and having kids. Not fair to the kids either, and they didn’t get to make that decision. Not right.

        Best to you. Did you know that Christ was the first woman’s liberator? If you are married, and he has committed adultery, I guess he loses; and Christ is more than able to love you and be close to you at this time as “He is close to the broken-hearted” (Paraphrase–it’s in the psalms. Can’t remember which one, maybe 34).

        God bless you, and may you look to Him to carry you through the important decisions that you have to make at this time. Maybe you can move closer to your family again so that you can have some support at this time.

        Hope this helps and really not trying to be mean, just real and kind at the same time. God bless!

    2. I’m in exactly the same position I was with my boyfriend for just over a year I loved him so much he didn’t like my friends he didn’t like me seeing them as I would sometimes get drunk with them and he didn’t like it as he thought I might get taken advantage of so I just stopped because I’d much rather have been with him anyway I made a bond with his daughter from a previous relationship my whole world revolved around him and her I loved nothing more than being with him now he’s gone and I have no one I just sit here crying I’ve told him how upset I am and he doesn’t care he doesn’t even reply to my messages anymore and I feel like I’m going crazy I don’t see the point in anything anymore I want him back so much but there’s no chance he doesn’t want me anymore so I just sit here on my own feeling like miserable

  54. Hey guys I was married for 9 years
    She told me on the 29th of december 2014 that she doesnt love me anymore and she is filing for devorce, the worst 2 weeks of my life! now im obsessed with the fact that she is getting involved with a friend who is partaking in paganism and the occult I still realy love her but no matter what I currently say or do it is obviously wrong in her eyes!
    I need advice on how to let go with this obsession of care and concern I still have to spend 2 more weeks at our house but around every turn is a fire begging for gasoline! I started visiting friends and going out and she still wants to know where im going yet when I ask her where she went I get quotes throne in my face about we sighned the divorce settlement that stated she has no more say over me and I have no say over her from the date of the settlement, what do I do? Please help
    Love sick obsessively frustrated soon to be ex husband

    1. Hey there

      I’m going through an identical crisis and i can tell you its not good. She filed for divorce early in January a year after our daughter was born to end our 1 year month marriage. heart breaking, i can tell you that i have thrown myself at work and starting my business. It has helped but some days i just can’t help it.
      Keep yourself busy, study, work, go to as many church outings as you can, anything to be busy and add value to yourself. i’m positive i’ll be much better in future and would have added value to myself in the meantime…

  55. My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago. We dated about 4 months. I did everything for him whenever he needed help with something, I love him so much and cared about him a lot. I never asked anything from him. I have no kids and a good well paying job. Everything was so perfect and good between us. He told me he would take me ring shopping and we would settle down and have a baby together. Everything was great. But then he broke up with me and I can’t stop thinking about him. I miss him so much.

    1. Hi Stella,

      You sound like a great girl with a great heart. One that has a great giving capacity. Maybe you even gave too much.
      But you are actually lucky. If this man would of married you and you had a baby and then he left…so you experienced fun…and love…and now look forward for the real thing.

      I wish you the best.


    2. My ex broke up with me a month back after a silly fight I had started. I was just moody and I picked on his past and well I did apologise the day after that as I know was wrong to pick on anything just cause I was moody. He accepted the apology but wanted nothing to with me afterwards. I felt it was a silly reaon to break up so I begged, pleaded, tried explaining myself, he just told me “go use what you learnt in your next relationship” and was harsh so I let it go. 13 days since I’ve officially let things go. But I find myself constantly thing about him, the great times, how amazing he was and how its my fault that it all ended. I can seem to stop no matter what I do…

  56. Dear Dan,

    Thank you for being here, and for bravely sharing your experience with your ex. It’s definitely more difficult to stop obsessing and move on with your life when you see her regularly. A child makes it impossible to fully separate from or divorce a spouse.

    A couple things came to my mind as I read your comment:

    1) At some level, you will never stop caring for her because she and you have a very strong, special bond. Not caring for her isn’t a realistic wish, and if you focus on how much you want to stop obsessing about her, then all you’ll do is obsess more. I believe it’s healthier to accept that she will always have a place in your heart. This doesn’t mean you are powerless to move on. On the contrary, accepting that you will always have feelings for her will give you the power to stop obsessing.

    2) You and she had a codependent relationship. You two were meeting each other’s needs in unhealthy ways. She needed you, and you needed her. Whatever need she was filling in you has not been met. You have a void in your life and heart, and she filled that void somehow. Now that she’s not filling that void (I actually think she was distracting you from thinking about the void, not actually filling it), you have not found a way to be filled.

    What need did your ex fill in you? I encourage you to talk to a counselor. You can be the most self-aware, smartest guy in the world, but you’re spinning your wheels when you try to figure yourself out. It’s like being a fish and trying to figure out what water is. You’re drowning in it, but you can’t see it unless you reach out for help.

    I also encourage you to read More Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie. You can click one of the books in my article above, then search Amazon for Beattie’s book. I read that book every morning, and it’s one of the best ways to find acceptance, surrender, and healing in your life.

    Wishing you all the best as you heal and move forward in your life,

    1. Hi Laurie,

      I am married w/o children and so is he with children…I just want to know if the obsession will happen every time he contacts me again? It has been 18 years and every 4-5 years he contacts me to say hi…we email and then he disappears again…and I am left with a bunch of feelings and obsessively thinking about him.
      I just don’t want to keep doing it…maybe the next time he reaches out I should not answer…but I always fall for it because I cannot comprehend why we cannot have a friendship?
      Thank for reading.


  57. Dear Laurie,

    I am definitely stuck in the obsessive stage with my ex and mother of my child, and I just want it to stop. We were together on and off for 6 years. She left me and came “crawling” back 4-5 times during those years. Sometimes during these breaks she would date other men, bring them around my child, and then 1-3 months later she would break up with whoever she was dating and come back to me because “It’s not the same with anyone else” or “I want us to be a family.” I am a sucker because I still love her (I don’t know why) and I want nothing more than to be a family again and give my son the life he deserves, so I always take her back . . . only to go through the same thing months down the road. We have not been together for a year or more now, but I can’t stop obsessing over her. I am dating, but I can’t generate any interest or feelings for any other girls. I am trying. I am constantly depressed and I lose a lot of sleep over it. (even my appetite) It is effecting my work and even me enjoying my quality time with my son because my mind is elsewhere. I constantly think about who she is dating, why was she dressed up when she dropped off my son, where was she going, etc. I have my son every weekend and I love my son and take pride in being a great Dad, but it means I have to see her every week for pretty much the rest of my life. I know she has treated me poorly for years and I know she is not the one for me, but I still feel like I love her and I get jealous and worked up thinking about her with another man. I don’t know what to do at this point, but I am very self-aware of my issue and I just want to not care about her or what she does anymore, be happy, and focus on everything else in my life. Any advice would be appreciated.



    1. Dan. I was reading your letter & could not believe how similar our situations were as far as how you feel about your ex-wife & how u jst cannot stop thinking about her. It is affecting your current relationships & ur everyday dealings with life. How u still manage to love her no matter how wrong she has done you. How you have managed to take her back numerous times. And there was a couple of other similar things. The Diffrence is Im not married to my ex boyfriend & we don’t have any children together. He has verbally abused me for almost 8 yrs but for some reason, unknown to me & I don’t understand it at all, I still love him very much & would take him back today if he would come back to me. Btw: he has a grlfriend now & has been seeing her for 9 mos now so U would think I would have forgot about him & moved on, but I haven’t not do I understand it bcause I am a good person. A soft hearted trustworthy caring loving person so I just do not understand why I cannot get him out of my heart & my mind jst about every minute of my daily life. So I jst wntd U to know that your Not By Yourself!!!! I understand COMPLETELY how u feel. Some people have probly told U that u r crazy for still loving her bcause I too, have been told the same thing. But I know all too well U cannot help who u fall in love with & who U continue to love. I’ve been praying for some time for the Lord to put him out of my heart & my mind & I believe he will do that but it will be his decision as to when. So I just turned it over to the Good Lord above. Have you by chance tried to do that Dan? Just a suggestion in case u haven’t bcause I really feel for you & your pain & I pray that your heart will be healed & you can move on & find someone who deserves to be loved by you! Take Care & pray everyday for you & your son…. Connie

  58. Dear Rita,

    Thank you for your thoughts on how to stop thinking about your ex!

    Acknowledging your feelings is very important, and as is expressing them. At some point, though, we need to move forward. Feelings can’t control us, and we have to learn how to manage them so they don’t rule our lives.


  59. Your tips on how to stop thinking about your ex are good, and I want to add one I found on Psychology Today blog. There’s an article about love and relationships, and this is my favourite part: (I added my thoughts so it’s not the exact paragraph in their article)

    Don’t be afraid to look within yourself to try to understand what you’re feeling. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in all of our responsibilities that we go into autopilot and just react. If you want to stop thinking about your ex, don’t just react but feel your feelings.

    Feelings don’t go away just because you don’t acknowledge them—they move. Unaddressed feelings can manifest themselves in a number of ways—such as physical ailments (headaches, stomach or back aches) or damaging habits (drinking, compulsive shopping, eating disorders). It’s when we turn away from our feelings—from ourselves—that problems arise. And then we’re no good to anyone.

    I stopped thinking about my ex by acknowledging what I was feeling and honouring my feelings.

  60. It feels like torture, I see him 4 times a week because we go to the same church. I no longer think positively about my life. I feel like I can wake up dead! I love him so much but he had just pay Lobola to a new girl. I want him back!!!! But it seems impossible. I cry each and every day in such a way that I can’t sleep

  61. Dear Lisa,

    Thank you for sharing about your breakup here. It sounds like you’re still in the grieving process – and it’s natural and even healthy to think about your ex after a breakup! Thinking about him and grieving is normal, because you just lost someone who was a huge part of your life. It’s important to honor your relationship and the breakup by saying good-bye…and reminiscing is part of saying goodbye.

    It’s an unhealthy obsession when your grief and normal emotional response to the breakup lasts for a long time, or is excessive. In a couple of months, if you’re still thinking about him alot, maybe you’re bordering into obsessive thoughts. But at the beginning – in the first few weeks after a breakup – thinking about him and your relationship may be good. It means you’re processing the breakup, and healing from the loss.

    I’m glad you’re aware of your fears, because awareness can bring strength and power. So does your faith in God! You are not alone, even if you’re not in a romantic relationship. It’s far better to be single and happy, versus being unhappy in a relationship.

    Walk with God, my friend. Lean on Him, and know you’re not alone.

    In peace and passion,

  62. Hi Laurie, I appreciated reading this article and also the comments and your responses to them. my ex and I broke up 3 weeks ago and I have been having difficulty accepting the breakup. As a result I have had obsessive thoughts which I thought was ok at the very beginning, but now I’m realizing the thoughts are making my life less enjoyable. Unless I am otherwise occupied I tend to think of him or reminisce about our relationship. I realized that what is connected to this is a lot of fear- fear of being alone for a long period of time, fear of loneliness, and more concrete fears about some things I need to accomplish in my life. I like your suggestion about putting faith in God- that helps me with my fears. I don’t want to confuse having fear with the need for companionship. I hope that by doing some of these exercises I can begin to enjoy more of the moments I have for myself rather than receding to the past or worrying about the future.

  63. Dear Suzie,

    Thanks for sharing your story with us. Yes, I think we can be “happy”, stuck in our unhappiness and ruts and routines and inability to break free and change our lives. That’s what Thoreau was talking about, in his “lives of quiet desperation” quote.

    The frustrating thing about having the power to change our lives and relationships — and to stop obsessing with our past and get on with our life – is that it takes energy, courage, and commitment. You have accept your feelings of anxiety and fear, and focus on a healthier, happier future.

    One thing that might help is to think about why you want to stay unhappy. Why are you doing this to yourself? How are you benefiting from your pain and misery? We keep doing things — and staying in addictive relationships — because we’re getting something out of it.

    What are you getting out of this obsession?

  64. You ready for a real messed up story? Sit back, this is quite the whirlwind. I began a job 8 years ago. One of the supervisors, a man 16 years older than me, became one of my friends. He was intriguing. Why? He was older but full of life. Fun. He dated a woman, I was married. After about 4 years, he calls me. I remember it quite well. It was my daughter’s spring break and I was vacationing with her, my niece and her children. The call was pretty general, hey what are you doing… it was very coincidental, we were vacationing at the same place. He was with his girlfriend, his son, her son and friends. Long story short, he ends up inviting me to a conference he was attending the next week. It sparked something in me. I wanted to go! Although I did not go, the initial invite lead into numerous phone calls. Then a visit to my house. My husband worked out of town, so it was convenient for him to “stop by”. That lead into other things. We become intimate. He was in a dead relationship and all of a sudden I “realized” hmmmm, so was I. Or was I? This was so inviting. A man such as him finding me attractive, wanting me to hang out and have this secret fun. The intimacy was unbelievable. He brought passion out of me that I never knew existed! He introduced me to a lifestyle of meeting other couples and sharing “things” with these other couples. That, over time, ended. During all of this “fun” and excitement, I found out things about him. About his past. From co-workers. How he did not commit to anyone. How he cheated on those he was with. A lot of things. I told him what I heard. He admitted that some of the statements were true. I found where he was texting ex girlfriends, talking on the phone to his ex wife. A lot of things like that. That built a huge wall of mistrust. But yet I was having fun. It was exciting. He told me about things like when he was with his girlfriend he was still going over to his ex wife’s house and cuddling, things that I should have never been told. He told me how his children bring drama to his life and those who are associated with him. His children, mind you, are from age 24 to age 37. Not that much younger than me. They’ve had drug issues over and over again. Never had to work or want for anything. Dad always bailed them out…. During all of these new findings, we are travelling. We are having a blast. I dealt with mistrust and we argued from time to time as he told me he would never lie to me again yadda yadda yadda. Big red flag. The first time he broke that trust, I should have flew away from him! But I stayed. And I began a life filled with drama and distrust. Years have passed and there’s so many events that I could type out. So many. I think of them and I see myself as crazy! Crazy for putting up with things. I’ve now found myself in this 4 year relationship that I KNOW I need to get out of. I know it! I am unhappy. I love him. I hate the drama. His daughters hate me, and I’ve done nothing to them. I’ve stood by their side as they’ve fought drug addictions time and time again. They’ve always been jealous of any relationship their dad has ever had. His one of two ex-wives, she is evil. She is the mother of his kids. Bottom line, I realize nothing is going to change. There is no happy ever after tale here. No marriage in site, and I’m okay with that. But why do I stay?? The fun and happy times are few and far between now. I have been asked to swallow an issue with his daughter who talked trash about me to a co-worker. Things that were so untrue that I can’t begin to understand why she has said them. I have asked what have I done to her so that I can make it right, she has never apologized after two months. And he buys her a brand new car. He just says she is 35 and I can’t make her apologize, she tells me that she feels bad about it so maybe one day she will come to you and talk to you about it! I feel betrayed almost. He buys her a brand new car after she talks about me so bad and has caused so many issues in our relationship?! But yet I’m asked to swallow it. This is the straw that has broke the camels back. After all I have dealt with, this is one thing that I can’t “swallow”. He said that is the only way we are going to make it. If I am the bigger person and act like nothing happened! Do you realize how many times I’ve done that?! She’s been strung out on nerve pills or opiates and said and done things hurtful things towards me. I’ve let them all go. This time, it’s jabbed me in the heart and I can’t let it go. I feel that it’s time for her to be responsible for her actions. And he buys her a brand new car?! He says it’s his daughter and he cannot be mad forever and he can’t make her say she’s sorry. And he buys her a brand new car…. His other daughter has stollen from me, jewelry. She is a whole nother story. His son loves me. We talk a lot. He just says his sisters will always be the way that they are that they have never been held accountable for anything wrong that they’ve done in their lives.

    Okay, so now that my ongoing paragraph has ended, I need help. I need help figuring out why I am still with this man. Why do I put up with all this crap?! We are maybe intimate once a month now. We go on maybe two trips a year now. My daughter is 14. She doesn’t want to be around his family because she said they have so many issues she doesn’t want to deal with their drama! OH, and one other part…. he’s never met my family. I’ve met all of his immediate family. He’s never met mine. And only met one of my friends. I look at his cell bill online several times a month looking for those “numbers” that I know are exes. I’ve never been this way before!

    Someone tell me they’ve experienced this before!! I dread the break up because I’m scared of the anxiety that will be associated with it! One bit of good news, he retired. I still work with our mutual co-workers, but he is no longer here in my face at work. I love him, but I’m miserable. I’ve gained 20 pounds. Is there such a thing as happily unhappy? I don’t know what it is….. I’m an addict. Addicted to this person, or this relationship? I don’t know what my problem is!!! The drama has sucked the air out of me. I am depressed. I am in a mess I can’t get out of because I’m afraid of the pain associated with the change?!


    1. Suzie,

      I am in kind of the same boat as you in regards to being “addicted to love.” I would suggest reading some books that have to do with this topic and discovering what it was in your childhood that made you into this woman you are today in this dead-end relationship. I loved the guy I was with, but I was not getting what I wanted or needed when they were simple requests which made me very unhappy. It built resentment towards him and then he didn’t want to marry yet I still stayed in the relationship. I loved him and I thought if I loved him more or showed that I was so into this relationship working out that he would change his mind by wanting to marry me.

      Do not make yourself so preoccupied with what this guy does because he is NOT worth it. You’re not abnormal in your thoughts or behavior, but have enough respect for yourself to realize that this man is not worth your time. You need to realize that checking on him to see if he is contacting other people is unhealthy and you deserve to be in a relationship where you do not need to check on the guy. I did that and sadly, even after a month of not being together anymore, my insecurities are still there and I still log onto his account too. We need to face loneliness and cope with the loss and come back to reality. Face your fears and you will live a better life because of that.

      Good luck!

      1. Hi Suzie,

        I’m also in the same boat. Mine is deeply painful we lived together for 12 years very aggressively intimate so I have thought he won’t cheat or leave me. One day he told me head leaving me. I was shock. I felt that’s the end of the world for me. I just found out he had an arranged marriage. That the girl he only met in internet. I was very very depressed. I could not believed that he will do it to me after all I’ve done. When he got divorced on his first wife I was there in sadness times of his life. I feel that why this is happening in my life. Why god let it happen. Until now. I’m still fighting to these damn feelings. I still have resentment and still never forgive him. I can’t help thinking about him up to this moment. Now I taking anti depressant and sleeping pills that helps me a lot. Medicine can help a lot so, I don’t mind taking them. I remember what my aunt told me. People can really ruin your life so do not love a person too much. If you do. Your defeated. Its really hard to find men that are faithfully to their wives, partners or girl friend.

        Take care and you are not alone.

  65. Dear Angela,

    Thank you for being here and sharing what you’re going through with your husband. It sounds like it’s been a very confusing time, and you and he are spinning your wheels. You aren’t moving forward in your marriage, and you haven’t gotten to the divorce stage! You’re stuck in limbo, somewhere in between, and it’s confusing for everyone.

    Have you talked to a counselor? I don’t mean a marriage counselor for the two of you, but a counselor for just you. Sometimes the best way to stop obsessing over a past relationship is to get emotionally and spiritually strong and healthy. If you want to get on with your life and move forward — even if that means getting back together with your husband — you need to be in a healthy place. And sometimes the best way to get healthy is to talk to someone objective, who can help us sort through the confusing emotions and experiences.

    What do you think?

  66. I`m going through a time…i dont know if words could describe.My husband left over 15months ago,and it has been a roller coaster of emotions.when he first left he was gone for couple of weeks,came back but not really one morning never returned.I know im far from perfect,but he has blamed me for everything,talk to much,not enough,my appearence.his moods vary can either be somewhat polite,to one occasion not to long ago so mad that he was throwing tools,so angry at me because i was saying i missed him,and needed him home.he does text me daily,i do most of the texting:(,mainly begging and looking for reassurence that he is returning.somedays are so hard i find myself texting him over and over do you love me?are you really coming home?each time he will tell me yes,but he still hasnt.ive cried,talked,text,called,and always get the same respone,yes i told you im coming home.oneday i asked him why are you stalling?what stops you from being with me?why dont you check on me,or call?he will say im putting words in his mouth leaving abandonment,ignoring,cut me off when im a prayer warrior,truely am,i do pray all the time,but im at my witts:(ive been living off my husbands text,i love you`s and the yes response of returning,its almost unbearable.he promised he would be here for xmas,never showed,news years his phone was off,when i called him xmas i was trying not to be all girl,i was hurt yet again another no show,he got angry with me again,how dare i tell him what day it is.i feel like im on a crazy train,,ive texted him very honest about 2weeks ago and said that i love him,and my wish for us to be together,but right now it didnt seem that i was what he wanted or desired,i wasnt his peace or happiness,and hoped that would be the case husband responded by saying”i know who i want,who i love,and no im not at peace.i told him i was going through things and found some of his clothes let him know i would bring them,he replied why?i said there not being used maybe when you decide what or when your coming home,im confused!!!! because yet again,he got mad,replied,you dont listen,you havnt heard a word ive said….i looked at him and said then its time to come home,make a date,give me a answer of when,take me off the shelf:(and the only thing he would say is i am.the only way i hear from my husband is through text,mainly with my pushing,or if i drive to completely confused,my husband tells me without a doubt he loves me,is coming home,thats why i hang on.i dont know if there is someone else,i have to watch how i speak to him,ive asked am i your love?one and only,and he will say over and over there has been noone sorry for just going on was so relived to find this site,i dont have anyone to talk to you and i just dont know what to do?im lost,completely.i have tried no contact,see what would happen sometimes a random text,loveyou,sometimes nothing,all i know is i found myself begging my husband last nite,asking him to show me he cares for me,come home,and same answer,i am.:(

  67. Hello Rose,

    It sounds like your boyfriend needs time and space — and that’s painful to hear. It hurts when someone you love wants to pull away from you.

    I think the best thing to do is create a healthy, happy, adventurous life apart from your boyfriend! We all love to be around people who are alive and happy, who aren’t obsessive, needy, or desperate. If I were you, I’d focus on creating the life of my dreams. I think that would make me very attractive to my boyfriend…and even if it didn’t get us back together, I would be happy because I’d be in love with my life! I’d attract men who love me for who I am.

    I wrote this article for you:

    I hope it helps, and I wish you all the best with your boyfriend. I hope you can stop thinking about him, and start thinking about you.


  68. I am clingy, obsessive to my boyfriend and he said to me, he cannot be my full time boyfriend he said we need to relax and back off a little bit. what to do about it? It freaking me out.

  69. If you want to get on with your life – if you truly want to stop obsessing about your ex – then you need to make a firm commitment to your goals. There are no tricks, no quick tips for moving on with your life. It’s both simple and difficult: you have to decide what you want out of your life, then you need to pursue your goals with passion.

    What is one thing you can do today, to stop obsessing about your ex? It can be as little as only checking your email twice a day, or as big as starting a blog about something you love.

    1. But sorry …… its not working . Actually he has left me with no reason. And hardly we had spend 2 months together and i really love everything about that guy. I am getting rid from his memories. I tried a lot but actually I am still missing him more and more than before. I cannot decide even what to do or even what to eat? I am always lost in his memories . Infact my passion , my goals , my lies and all everything bent knees before his memories . So, now what ??????

  70. The Dog-Vomit analogy did it for me!
    My ex and I were together just over a year, and at my time of life – late 50s – it was a gift I never thought I’d have, He stuck by me in illness but when it was compounded by anxiety and depression, he left 3 months ago, and hasn’t been in touch since.
    Most of the time, I can separate the year we had – no Romeo and Juliet, no undying love, just fun and friendship – from the 3 months since. I am grateful for the first and resigned about the second. Sometimes it returns to bite me a bit though. Today my brother rang to ask if I’d heard from him, and having to say no reminded me of how shonky his behaviour now is. I was about to get really morose, googled “thoughts about ex” and found this site. Like I say, the Dog-Vomit analogy really spoke to me, and I’m not going there! Thankyou.

    1. I know what you mean about breaking up and not being in touch. I’ve been through the exact same thing. I didn’t even get the courtesy of being told I was being left!

      1. My ex disappeared without giving me a reason. After 18 months he emails me saying that he didn’t know what had happened between us but that he was sorry that it had. He said that just because he was unable to reach me that I had taken it as if he didn’t care, but that he did. I was shocked at his email. I suffered and grieved so much after he disappeared. I was just picking up the pieces and trying to move on when I got this email. Now, I’m back to square one. I think of him all the time. I obsessively check emails every day to see if there is one from him, and then when there is none…my heart breaks. I don’t want to go through this again, yet I can’t stop myself. What do I do?

  71. Goodmorning! and yes indeed Laurie God is amazing!! I think my problem has been thinking negative .. these have been my thoughts up until yesterday “what if he was the ONE” “what if i Never forget him” “what if he moves on and im stuck loving him forever?” … but last night at the church service i dedicated my mind and soul to God .. i forgot my ex was at church and concentrated souly on God and how great he is.. God took over my body and i could feel his presence,… he also told me that he was going to put me in high places but tht i must trust in him and not worry for he was with me” … so today i woke up with the mentality tht God will get me through this .. it might not happen over night but God wont leave me in this situation,… im sure he sees my suffering and the pain i go through .. especially going to church .. so i know he will reward me for it!!

    i feel like ever since my ex and i broke up , my relationship with God has definetly gotten better. i no longer depend on a man but on God for my happiness.. also i had my ex on a pedastool and with all his betrayals i can see tht every man will fail and i must never have anyone above God !!

    its so sad now tht i think about how much i let God down and how much i know i hurt his heart but now i want to take a stand and change who i was and who i am and become a woman of God .. of prayer and fill my life with his love and mercyy.. My spiritual and emotional life have been a wreck but i will continue to pray at home and at church for him to completely take over my life and bring me peace and joy.. i know my God is great and im so excited to see where he wants to take me..

    i start school today and im excited about tht.. i do think this will also help by keeping me busy.. so thts goood 🙂 but like you said its important to pray when i feel this way.. not depend on yesterday’s prayer for today’s blessing but connect with him on a daily basis.. thts what ive been missing on!

    God is truly Great and i want this to help me grow .. it already has taught me so much and i know thts what God has wanted..

    ive made a promise to God.. i used to sing in choir before i met my ex but i stoped singing for his glory.. then my ex joined the choir and we started dating and like i mentioned we were sinning so i didnt feel good being up there knowing what we were doing.. but now tht my life is becoming in order.. i promised God that when he takes my ex completely out of my heart i will join the choir again… they have try outs tonight to join the choir i prayed about it but i remembered the promise i had made God and i was debating whether to try out or not.. but i decided i would wait for God’s answer to my prayer.. my ex is the main singer and i cant be near him right now.. its sad tht i cant sing bc he’s there but i know God sees my yearning and will take him away forever because i know tht relationship wasnt healthy and wasnt based on God.. so please pray for me ,, i want to keep this promise and i want to be able to sing again.. as for now i think its best to wait for God to lead me .. thanks again for your response.. God bless!

  72. Dear Xio,

    It’s Sunday, and I’m again reminded that God is mysterious, unexplainable, and awesome. I also feel that it’s important for you – and everyone who believes to focus on reconnecting with Him every morning, every afternoon, every night.

    When you feel like you’re starting to obsess about your ex, I encourage you to replace your obsessive thoughts with prayers. Start reconnecting with God and the wonder of His creation. Rebuild your relationship — get spiritually and emotionally healthy.

    Are you healthy right now? What are two things you can do to improve your spiritual and emotional health?

  73. dear Laurie,

    First of all thank you for your response it really helps to see your point of view on things 🙂

    and well yeah you’re right ive been praying alot for God’s guidance i know above all things that im his child and tht he loves me more than anyone has or ever will.. he actually spoke to me yesterday at my church’s prayer and told me to be strong tht he would get me through this and that he’s allowing me to go through this so i can see his glory..

    so idk what that means regarding leaving my church. I have have prayed and visited other churches but when i do i feel out of place,, its not like being at my home church.. and to add to what i hadnt before.. im the president of the youth at my church . so when ive tried to leave or stop going to church that comes to my mind a voice saying”what about what i put in your hands?” and so far tht is what has me going. i give up my presidency at the end of this year and then they reelect for next year .. so if i leave now i resign and from my leadership , for the remainer of the year i leave the youth without a president.. and i dont know what to do because my ex is being really friendly with this other girl now and they are ALWAYS together at church..

    and the weird thing about our relationship was that i NEVER saw a future with him for so many reasons but most importantly because we were having sex out of marriage for 2 years tht went on so i know i wasnt in Gods direction for my whole relationship with him.. i asked God to forgive me and thts why i left him but ofcourse the flesh is weak and tried to get him back.. but God didnt allow it

    the funny thing is tht yesterday the other girl he talks to left early so after the prayer he sat next to me and was gently pulling my hair and i just smiled at him and then a little boy walked by and he said something like “when we have a kid or give me a kid” idk exactly what it was but it kinda got me upset to see he hasnt changed and sex is all he thinks about.. im just over putting him over God and i feel tht giving up what God has given me for him is not worth it especially knowing this guy is not for me.. so i will continue to pray 2God for strength and for him to completely take him out of my heart forever and for me to not look back ever again.. to look forward and keep going,.. i think time isnt what heals wounds. i think God is the only one tht can.. and i think he’ll reward my courage and cut my suffering months in half so tht it will no longer be as painful and i know he will bring the right one for me i just have to keep pushing and praying.. so please do keep me in your prayers.. noone in church knew of our realationship so i cant talk to anyone about it, but God has been great and has been there to console me , idk what is your point on this???.. thanks again Laurie!

  74. Dear Xio,

    I’m a Christian, too! I met lots of guys through church, but only dated a couple of them. It was really hard after breaking up, to see them at church (this was two different churches, at two different periods of my life). I didn’t like going to the same church as them, because my experience with God was different when I was heartbroken about a guy in the next pew! That wasn’t good.

    Sometimes, it’s easier to heal from a breakup experience when we don’t have any contact with the person. It makes letting go easier, and allows us to move on with our lives. And, moving to a new church may help you meet new people who will expand your life by showing you that God has so many wonderful possibilities in store for you!

    I ended up marrying one of my best friends, who I knew for 17 years. We both had to figure out our spiritual paths to God before getting together, and I’m so glad we got married when we did. It was worth the wait!

    Pray about it — don’t just ask God what to do, but sit and listen to His whispers and guidance. Let Him guide your mind and heart, for He knows you so well. He loves you and wants the best for you, and He won’t lead you anywhere that He isn’t. Trust that He will walk beside you as you decide if you should explore other churches, or stay where you’re comfortable.

    I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers! Let me know how you are, anytime you want to come back.


  75. hello, first ill start off by saying i was in a four year relationship with a guy named edwin, we started dating when i was 16 and im now 20. i met edwin through my church.. we became close friends and afterwards started dating which then turned into a serious relationship. In the beggining of the relationship edwin was the best boyfriend mentally and emotional wise, financially he never was. but loving him as i did i never really cared. at first i felt like this guy would be willing to take a bullet for me. 2 years after our relationship things started getting rocky, other people started coming into the picture .. i felt like i wasnt his main focus anymore.. so we were on-off again for the next 2 years. we had our ups and downs but deep down i knew i loved him.

    3 months ago after i took a trip i found out my boyfriend was telling people to spy on me, so tht made me realize he didnt trust me and was also talking to other girls(ifound out through a mutual friend i know wouldnt lie to me)
    so when i get back from my trip i brake up with him.. while on my trip i met toby(a guy i had a little fling with) so that gave me a little push to end things with edwin. he was ok abbout the break up , a month goes by and i start to feel the emptyness edwin left behind so being dumb i contact my ex and edwin mis led me by telling me he still loved and missed me. so when we met up i secretly had the idea of getting back but to my surprise he rejected me and told me he could no longer be with me anymore and tht he didnt love me like he used to.. hearing this madde me want to die.. and even after saying this i wept and begged i asked him again to try and give us a chance and again he said NO.. so i got off the car and left . the next day i changed my number and lost all contact, didnt even wait for him to reconsider bc i took this as a sign tht it was too much damage and things culd never be fixed so i was determined to move on and i still am. this was 2 months ago.. within these 2 months that have gone by ive fought the urge to get back with him and to contact him. the only issue is tht i see him 4 times a week at my church. so some days when i feel im making progress i see him at my church & brings me down again. but ive kept moving and fighting .. people have told me i must look for a new church bc otherwise i wont be able to get over him.. mind u this is my home church a place i grew up in ive been at this church for 12 years now and i dont think its fair i flee from church bc of a boy. granted it sucks and its the hardest thing ive had to do(especially seeing him talking to new girls at church) but i know i have my faith my family and most importantly i have God tht will see me through. i guess all im looking for are experiences if any one has any about similar situations where people have to keep seeing their exes but still manage to move one. thanks in advance. 🙂

    God bless-Xio

  76. Dear Laurie.

    Thank you for the response. I am truly happy I found this site. It is so helpful. I hope others find it as comforting as I do.

    I have now come to terms with moving on. It took a very long time and I hope others out there will eventually get to reach this point as well because it feels alot better.

    I have just finished my first semester of school and I feel very good about it. I will not allow someone to put me in second place because of lonlieness anymore. I have also started the process to buy a new house that I can call my own and start over again with my eyes wide open.

    Anyone else out there that has found this site I would just like to add that writing things even on here is like a journal. It helps the healing process and while time heals all wounds, every ones time it takes is different. For me it took six months to stop obsessing but it does go away. stay strong and keep pushing forward.

  77. Dear Shelly,

    I’m glad you found me – and I hope this article about how to stop obsessing helps you move on with your life!

    It sounds like your ex is using you. What he really wants is his ex wife back, but she isn’t interested. He doesn’t want to be alone, so he contacts you.

    Yes, I think it would be crazy to give him a second chance. I think you deserve more than a man who sees you as his second choice. I think he is obsessed with his ex wife, and you are obsessed with him, and it’s a love triangle that will get more painful and complicated if you keep letting him use you.

    How will you stop obsessing about him? What tips in this article will help, or what has helped you stop obsessing about something you wanted in the past?

    What helps me is starting something new. In my case, it’s blogging or school, or even a move to a new place.

    What will you do to help yourself get healthy, happy, and whole?

    Stay true to you,

    1. I`m 21 years old and had my first love experience months really was a toxic relationship, so after he broke up with me i did my best to move on.i was close to total healing till one week ago.he started to contact me again to “just know how i am.i tried to pretend i was careless but din` t last long.suddenly i told him about my feelings.he kinda had an ego boost and totally behaved like the cutest kid in town.he told me,”the only thing i can ask to you is to have calm,cause there`s has been a lot of time”.he kinda expressed like i was trying hard to come back to him while i clearly stated that even with my feelings i din`t want to return to the relationship.i cried when i was on the phone

      1. With him and i still do by my own.i`m very embarassed cause i showed him vulnerability.still show how pathetic i am when i text him.i don`t even have a reason to text him.the thing is that i have ocd and texting him has become my recent compulsion.i tend to write my thoughts to control myself.but the technique is not always usefull.i don`t want him to think i`m embarassing.the funny fact is that i asked God for the opportunity to talk to him again.the plan was to act like nothing wrong was happening.i desired to maintain my dignity and self esteem at the difficult situation.please.need at least words of compassion

        1. Hi Rei. I wanted to respond to your message because I too recently went through a break-up, still love and think about him constantly, have OCD, and the same issue with the texting. I know it is really hard to control your compulsions. Especially since he is a really nice person and always responds kindly to me (and still cares). However, every time I have the desire to text him I have just started finding projects or hobbies to take on when the feeling comes up. It is REALLY REALLY hard though. I just had to stop and realize that the behavior was harmful to me and that I need to move on. But let me tell you, it is a struggle every day! Please know that you are not alone. I am sure that you have some anxiety if you try and control the compulsion. That is normal. Being broken hearted is something everyone goes through. I have been on the other end where I hurt a person in that way too. It is just a part of life. You will be okay. Just hang in there and remember that YOU are the key to your happiness, not him. 🙂

          1. *I meant to say it is especially hard for ME to stop texting him because he is still kind and responsive. Sorry about that…

  78. Hi,

    wow, what a helpful site, just to let you know where I am in my life I feel lost, I’m a 37 year old male, and yeap Ive been dumped, I guess I’m not too sure whats happening, life feels slower at the moment, sometimes like I’m stuck in the mud.
    I admit I left my ex wife for a younger women at work, she is now 23, our first year was fantastic, she seemed to be the be all end all, then the 2nd year came along and I had a gut feeling about her texting, I had a look on her phone and sure enough she was texting her ex, I asked her about it and she constantly denied that, well not long after that we broke up for a few weeks, low and behold she had slept with her ex within the first week of the break up, but anyway I took her back, latter down the track she told me she had met a guy when we were on our break and slept with him once, well me been the sucker, took her back, you know the saying forgive an forget, well as time went by I knew I had no trust in her, I found her phone and sure enough there were texts to these 2 guys, I couldn’t believe it, so I asked her, and she said she had not heard from either one in months, so I told her I saw her phone, well that was bad she started punching me, calling me every name, well we sort of worked it out I think I just loved her so much I couldn’t let her go, so New years came along, then WHAMO a massive argument erupted in-front of everyone, not my doing, so her mother told her to leave and insisted that I remain with the family for a few days, they were so supportive, and yet it was her family, after a month or so I said we should go away for a couple of days, so we did, what a disaster that was, as soon as we got home she jumped in her car, then sent a text saying its over… I let it be, now I’m just lost without her, although 99% of the people that know me have said I’m better of with out her, I’m the 1% that differs, after a couple of days I text her, she told me she wants nothing more to do with me, and asked could I never contact her, your wish is my command lil miss. within a week she has found someone she really likes, I think that’s what is hurting me the most.
    I now realize the grass wasn’t greener on the other side.
    I know ill find someone I deserve, someone that will make me happy as I will them. I will treat them like the princess they really are…
    I will keep you informed..
    Oh and by the way, I wear the rubber band on my wrist during the day, should thoughts of her creep in, then i pull an release the band, it does help.
    Thank you

  79. Dear Scott,

    Sometimes relationships fall apart, and it’s not because of anything we did. Sometimes people leave us for their own reasons, because of their own issues and struggles. I don’t know all the reasons why people leave and reject us, but I know that often we get left because of things not in our control.

    If I were you, I wouldn’t make any decisions based on trying to get my girlfriend back. I’d figure out what I want to do with my life, and try to go in that direction.

    If you move to London, you might be looking for her on every corner and thinking about her every night. That’s not healthy, and it won’t help you get over her and get on with your life!

    I think you should accept that your ex-girlfriend has needs that you can’t fill, and is making decisions that aren’t about you. No matter how “good” or manly you are, you can’t be the person she is looking for. There is something missing in her that she is trying to fill — this is not an indication of anything missing or weak in you!

    You and your ex-girlfriend aren’t a good match, and in a few months you’ll look back and be grateful that she didn’t let things go further and longer than they did. This is good, and you will see and be grateful in the near future.

    Hang in there, and you will heal and move on. I’m glad you came back – I’m happy to hear from you! I was in Alberta, visiting my husband’s parents, so I didn’t reply sooner.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and welcome you back anytime.

    Stay true to you,

    1. Hi Laurie,

      I thought i’d give you an update on a previous post and let you know how things are.

      Since i split up with my ex, now a year and a half ago, I’ve been concentrating on work to keep my mind off it. I’m still single, but getting back to my old self and reclaiming some of the essence for life I lost in the immediate aftermath of the split. I left my job recently to fulfil my dream of travelling around the world this January, which I couldn’t be more excited about! After which i’ll return to the UK and move out of the family home to start a new chapter elsewhere. Although I still on occasions have fleeting thoughts about her which sadden me about the fact we can’t really be friends again after everything that happened (her parents also worked with me which made things a bit strange), I’ve accepted that she couldn’t have respected me enough for me to need to dwell on it too much. She has a new partner and they seem happy together, which is fine by me.

      Your advice really helped me previously, I declined the job offer I had from London because you were right, I would only have been doing it to try and salvage something that was too far gone, and left a good job i enjoyed for the wrong reasons. I’d like to thank you for that – it really helped.

      Thanks for everything, and please continue to dispense your wonderful advice to those who seek it 🙂


  80. Dear Keri,

    Thanks for being here, and for sharing your story! I hope writing it all down helped get things off your chest, and even clear up your thoughts a little.

    When you re-read your description of how your relationship has unfolded, what are the first thoughts that come into your head? How do you feel when you think over your choices, and your ex’s choices?

    Actually, I’m now thinking twice about encouraging you to think back over your relationship. You’ve already gone around and around with it, over and over, up and down, backwards and forwards. Instead of reliving the past, I think you should start thinking about your future. Instead of focusing on your ex and his partner, start focusing on getting healthy and strong! Pull yourself together, my friend.

    I wrote this article today – it may help you stop obsessing about your ex and start getting on with your life:

    Click the link, look at my tips for moving on, and tell me what you think.


  81. I am so happy I have come across this site. It is very theraputic in ways that I feel like I am keeping a journal which helps the healing process.

    But I have another concern that any advice would help with. My ex-boyfriend who 5 months ago was extremely cold towards me and acted as if he wanted me to just disappear has been contacting me quite a bit lately. I am still very much in love with him but I fear heartbreak again.

    Breifly again the short story of what happen is my ex left me for his ex wife who cheated on him after 17 years of marriage and left with another man. 6 months after she moved away that didnt work out and she came back. My ex fell for her again but continued a cold relationship with me for another two years when I finnaly had enough and I asked for a break to figure things out. He seemed extremely agreeable with that. After I had moved I found out that he was really spending alot of time with her. Taking her on the boat, going away for weekends, dinner, and just hanging out. She ended up buying a house near him on a lake and she wanted a jet ski. And yes HE bought it for her. 7000.00 dollars and he is broke.

    So last week I found out that he tried to talk to her about giving their marriage another shot and she told him her heart didnt feel that way for him right now. She still just wanted to be friends. Then he found out she went on a date or two with another guy that he was once friends with. He got very upset with her and told her if she planned to keep doing this then he couldnt be friends with her anymore.

    He does not know that his best friend is telling me this only to try to see the real thing and help me move on. but I feel like my ex realizes he just made a big mistake and wants to try to fix things with me. She is a very self-centered, disrespectful person but because she flaunts her beauty and body, people thinks shes the best.

    Now that he is upset with her he wants to hang out with me again. Like I said because I love him it is hard to say no, but I fear major heartbreak again and I guess my question is, do you think it would be totally crazy to give him a second chance if he tries? And will she always be the way she is now or come to realize she has also let a great guy go and want him back again?

    Thank you all for the advice.

  82. Hi Laurie,

    I emailed you a couple of months ago in regards to my girlfriend moving to London and thought i’d give you an update.

    It turns out, she had been cheating on me since June with at least 2 other people. She slept with one guy after a night out in June and another in the middle of the week last week after i’d been with her all day(!). I can’t describe the soul-crushing dejection I felt upon finding out (I started asking questions when I saw a very upsetting text she recieved flash up on her phone). I confronted her, and she denied it all and ended it saying she didn’t want to be in a relationship.

    She’ll now go to London, live a care free single life in the job of her dreams, leaving me sullen and forlorn, pondering what on earth went wrong. It seems unbelieveably unfair.

    I also potentially have a job offer in London, as like I said before, I wanted to go down to be closer to her for the sake of the relationship, but now I have no idea what I want…. should I take the job if I get offered it to potentially give me a new lease on life in a new city with new people? Or take my time and wait for something else? (The job itself wasn’t something I particularly wanted or would enjoy, but it’s so hard to get work in London and I want to move out of the parents home)

    My head is all over the place and even though I agreed to stay friends because I still love her, everytime we speak I now know she’ll be seeing the guy/guys she cheated on me with and it pains me to think it. I’d love to hear what you think.



  83. Hi all,
    I have just stumbled across this site due to Google searching ‘how to stop being obsessed with an ex’ as I recognize that I am really not coping with the aftermath of a long relationship ending.
    An irony here is that it was me who ended things (this time … We have split briefly on a few occasions during our time together).
    We were together for 7 1/2 years. My two children from a previous partner are now 13 and 16 so my now-ex played a huge part in the kids’ lives.
    My now-ex is a troubled character with many issues for which he has had therapy at various points in his life. I supported him with his problems throughout our relationship. He was often withdrawn and angry at life. He also had an ex-wife who was very controlling about the access he had to their daughter which was difficult for him.
    When I asked him to leave, only 3 weeks ago, it was because I couldn’t tolerate his ‘miserabilism’ around my children and around the home any longer. I did not want to live our present and future around such atmosphere.
    He left straight away, finding a room in a shared house close to where he works.
    I was pleased with the difference in the household dynamics but missed him a lot. We maintained contact by text and he picked me up from work a couple of times. We met up for chats and for dinner once.
    During the dinner he upset me by saying that, if the right opportunity arose with someone, he would ‘go for it’. This was only 10 days after he had left. This rang alarm bells for me. I had specifically requested that we leave a reasonable length of time before thinking about being with anyone else considering how long we had been together. I expressed how much it would hurt me if he did otherwise.
    Can you guess what is coming?
    A few days after the dinner, those alarm bells and a sixth sense, gut-wrenching knot inside me, lead to my asking him by text if he was seeing someone. The length of time it took him to reply was torture (it was only an hour but felt like an eternity). He then said that yes, he was seeing someone. I immediately rang him and had at earful 2 1/2 hour conversation.
    Turned out that around the time we went for dinner, possibly just before, he had asked out a colleague at work. They had been on several dates, were going out again the next day (after the tearful call) had been intimate (but not full sex … Although by now I am sure they have ‘gone there’).
    This has torn me apart.
    He has done the every thing I told him would break my heart. He has thrown himself into a relationship with the first person under his nose who is available. They have been on dates that he would never have suggested we go on (but that I would have loved).
    I feel as though I have been written off.
    He now ignores my calls and texts and so has cut me and what we had out of his life completely. I don’t understand why.
    He had few friends – I was his best friend according to him and he not had one other (a male) who he would see regularly.
    So why is he treating his supposed best friend in such a heartless way?
    I feel physically ill all the time. I am barely eating. I am drinking booze to soften the hurt. I am trying to be distracted with the many good friends I have (they are brilliant!).
    I think about what he and his new girlfriend are doing, I even imagine them having sex (talk abou torturing yourself). It hurts me to think he is putting effort into this new set-up that he wasn’t prepared to put in to us.
    He also lied when we first recently split, saying he was happy on his own as he knew he wasn’t being mean to anyone and that he wasn’t going to look for anyone else as he wants ‘to respect our time together’. Clearly this went out of the window 10 days into his solo existence.
    It smacks of rebound-ness (if there were such a word) and I am almost willing it to crash and burn.
    The refusal to have contact with me may be due to me reminding him of the crud that he was which he doesn’t want to be reminded of whilst creating his new, clean slate, persona?
    Sometimes I am strong and think, if he is such an insensitive tool, it is good that he isn’t in my and my kids’ lives.
    Other times I think of all the time we have spent together, the things we have been through (including losing a baby a few years ago) and all of the efforts I put in to helping him battle his demons.
    He even said the other day that he wouldn’t be where he is today without my input (I resisted saying ‘where, sleeping with someone else?!’).
    I feel bruised and, quite frankly crapped on. He (and now she) fill my head every waking moment. I have managed to find out who she is by some obsessive detective work online (healthy eh?!). I keep phoning and texting him and sent an email yesterday.
    Remember, it was me who asked him to leave!
    I feel like I am going just a little bit crazy with it all 🙁
    Any comments / thoughts would be appreciated. The ones I have read on here for others have been great.
    Many thanks.

  84. Laurie, thank you very much for your response. My gut tells me to keep trying. I do love him but I have to get passed my insecurities of his ex wife.

    You are right about if he didnt want to try with me he would be with her but I do not want a relationship of three so I am trying to be very carefull.

    Over these past few months I have started to grow a little more distant each day and it draws him closer. However my thoughts take over what is right or wrong and I am still very confused.

    Your feed back is very helpful and so is this site. Thank you all for sharing your stories. Heartache can cause alot of different emotions and talking them through helps alot.

  85. Dear Shelly,

    I don’t know what your ex wants, but it seems to me that if he wanted to get back together because he genuinely loves and misses you, then he would say that.

    I hear him saying he’s lonely and wants sex. But, I don’t know him or you at all. For all I know, he does want to be back in a relationship with you but doesn’t know how to say it.

    My take on it is that if he was in a relationship, he wouldn’t be contacting you. He’d be involved with the new woman – he’d be taking her and her kids boating.

    What is your gut telling you? Deep down, you know what is probably going on — and it’s the simplest, most clear option that’s usually the right answer. That is, the obvious answer is most often the right one (but not every single time, of course).

    Do you think you should keep moving ahead and healing, or take a risk and start something with your ex? To decide that, you need to know exactly what your ex wants from you.

    What do you think?

    Stay true to you,

  86. Some very good advice stated here *applause*

    I was on and off with a boyfriend of three years. We finally broke it off about two years ago. When that finally happened officially, I was completely heartbroken. And funny thing is, what helped me get over him quicker was his douchebagness. He had a new girlfriend about a week after we broke up. And he texted me to make sure I was okay and I told him no, I feel like he never loved me in the first place and the idiot just tells me that he doesn’t mean to be rude, but I should get over it already. He then went on to barade me for the things I like. I forgave him for that and we became friends. Then he became single again and started to flirt with me. I flirted back (like an idiot). A few weeks later, I texted him again asking for a second chance and he said he was dating some girl and I got really pissed off at him and he got offended by that and started the most ridiculous shpheal about how I’m a loser and the people I know are fake and all that good crap, basically calling me a nobody. So, that was the last straw. He texted me a month later, apologizing for his idiotic behaviour and I accepted his apology. We were friends again, but we really didn’t text eachother that much. Three to four months later, he texted me out of the blue that he was single again and that he wanted me back so I told him I no longer have any feelings for him and he begged and begged and I was like “no!” Lol. A good piece of advise to add to this list is to remember things you didn’t like about your ex. Did they say something to you that you didn’t like? Did they label you something? Did they do something you really didn’t like and you wanted to tell them but didn’t want to be a jerk? Think of all the bad things your ex did that you didn’t like. Think of the god-aweful excuse they used to get out of the trouble of breaking your heart. They aren’t worth that heart ache, and screw them if they think they are.

  87. Any advice would be helpful. I recently wrote my story here and I thought I was doing better after that. I had no contact with my ex until this last weekend he text me and asked if my kids and I would like to go boating with him. I was very hesitant but my kids love him and wanted to go so I went. We spent about an hour on the boat because the weather was kind of cool and it started to rain. I showed no emotional connection during my time with him. I didnt want to seem desperate so I kept my cool. However when we left we all said thank you for the day and got in my car and left. He later sent a text saying he had fun and sorry for the bad weather but maybe we can do it again sometime if I wanted to. Then he told me I still seemed a little standoffish towards him wich hurts him a little but he understands. I replied “i’m sorry you feel that way” and left it at that. but he continued to text about how long its been since he had sex and maybe he should find a friend with benefits. alll I said was good luck with that choose wisely. He is not the type for that at all so I think he was making a joke to start conversation. I am extremely confused right now. We have been broke up for 5 months and all I ever wanted was for him to come back but now I question if he is just trying to be friends and joke with me or if he is trying to keep me close in case something doesnt work between him and his ex wife whom he talks to everyday. He says they are friends and he is not sorry she is in his life but I do not want to be in a relationship of 3.

    Things are very unclear to me with the mixed signals. Advice would be very helpful. Thank you.

  88. Dear Terri,

    Here’s another article that may help:

    I’m not sure why you’re obsessing over your old college boyfriend, but it might be worth exploring your feelings with a counsellor. Maybe there is something you haven’t processed or dealt with, that you need to take care of.

    I encourage you not to focus on seeing him again as a way to solve your obsessive thoughts, because that only feeds the beast. He is not interested in spending time with you. He’s obviously happy with his marriage and life, and doesn’t want to complicate things. I encourage you to respect his wishes, and let him be.

    He’s not the solution to the problem. The solution is somewhere within you, and I’ve always been a big fan of counselling to help sort out the root of emotional issues.

    What do you think?

    Stay true to you,

  89. Dear Ayan,

    You asked me to tell you what to do, and here it is: let go of this guy, and find someone who loves and respects you. This guy is being honest with you: he wants to keep meeting other girls, he wants an open relationship. He will meet someone else, and will want to be with her.

    You are only setting yourself up for more hurt and heartache. You deserve someone who wants to be with you, not with a bunch of other girls!

    If you’re having sex with him, make sure you don’t get pregnant. You will end up trapped and poor if you keep going down this road.

    I think you should focus on building a career and happy life. You’ll meet a guy when you’re ready! Don’t push a relationship or a guy into something he’s not, because you’ll regret it.

    Let him go. You deserve better.

    Stay true to you,

  90. Hi, I just wanted to say that reading your stories and comments have been inspirational to me. I came across this site as a derperate measure to find a way that I could stop loveing my ex-boyrfriend. I can relate to everything that you are all saying. I was married before and have 3 beautiful children. But my marriage ended because my ex husband was extremely verbally abusive to me and my kids, lied alot and cheated. I couldnt do anyting right and he lowered my self esteem deeply. 2 years after my divorce I was so happy to be out of that relationship and felt good again and met the one man I thought would never lie cheat or treat me poorly. we dated for 2 years and moved in together and those first two years were absolutely amazing. he had no kids and his ex-wife of 17 years cheated on him and moved to another state with the man she cheated with. She told him she didnt love him that way anymore and her new found love was going to give her what he couldnt. This man spent his life only believing she was the only one for him. When my we moved in together we were so happy, my kids loved him and treated him like a father because there real dad treated them so badly. they looked up to him. He supported and provided alot of the things we never thought we would have. (guess you could say we felt like royalty for a little bit compared to what we came from) Well his ex-wife love affair didnt last and she came back 6 months after we moved in together. They reconnected and starting talking and said they were just friends. He told me because of how long they were married he will always love her and have feelings for her but promised me they were nothing more than just friends. I accepted and even tried to get along with her myself. it was ok at first but another two months went by and I found a letter he had written to one of her friends that asked how she was doing and that he believes there is only one true love in everyones life and she happend to be his. I cried for days because he was working out of town at the time and I couldnt tell him what I had found. He called on his way home and I explained what was wrong because I had started crying again and he asked. All he said was “I am sorry and it is not what ou think. I was just getting some things off my chest and I didnt mean them” He apologized serveral times and even wrote me a letter expressing to me that he really does love me and the kids. I forgave him and things seemed a little better but I became a litte insecure when she was around. the very next year which was only a couple months more in feb on valentines day he bought me flowers. they were beautiful but he was on a pool league and he had to shoot that night. so he left the floweres on the table and left. in mid march the lady at the flowere shop came into our restraunt that we had to eat lunch. as I was waitressing that day she made the comment to me that the floweres I got for Vday were beautiful and I was a lucky girl to get them. I said yes I was and smiled and then she said ” and how did your Grandmother like hers” I stepped back for a minute and looked and at her and replied “i’m sorry what?” she said oh yes he came in that day and got two sets of flowers one for you and one for grandma” I felt 50 pins sticking me in the heart because My grandma passed away years ago. I knew right away they were for her. My gut feeling made me ill. so that night I confronted him and asked. He again admitted getting them for her but it was only to thank her for being his friend and because he knew she was going thru tough times. I should have left that day but again I cried for days and stayed at a friends house and he cried too and called me back. He told me he just doesnt think before he does stuff to try to be nice and it hurts him that he hurts me. I was stupid enough to believe him and again becasue I loved him sooooooo deeply my heart kept saying go back. So I did. Wel all that did was say that i am ok with everything he does for her becasue for the next year and 1/2 she was everywhere he was or we were and everything. she became part of his pool league and they would stop for drinks afterwards but if I said anything about it he said I was too insecure and I should stop comparing him to my past relationship. He never verbally put me down and never stopped providing but he did become very distant. My insecurities grew deeper and I myslef becames obbessive and cold and distant and neither of us could communicated properly so there was alot of silence. the last time I saw them together I told him I coldnt take it anymore. I wanted to do something about it our get out. He in turn said his head is screwed up and he doesnt even know how to think straight. so we should take a break figure things out and start back as friends maybe just going to eat or to the movies or something. I agreed and found a place to live. he sold the house and moved to the family farm. the very next week he was seen in public with her every singal day. motorcycle riding, boating, camping he is doing it all. it’s been five months now and not one time did he try to reconnect and atleast try to be honest with me about his feelings for her or me. He does not call txt or anything . It’s like he put up a wall and if I just dissapear then he can finally have her back. Well I have become very obessed with this man and because I was so in love I don’t know how to let him go. He has hurt me so badly but at the same time I just want him to explain why and help me understand the hurt. If he came today I think I would still give him another chance because I cant seem to get him off my mind. He is there in my sleep , while I work, while I drive everything and everywhere. I have even tried changing my routine, deleted his facebook and his phone number. but our mutual friends tell me he is not happy but they know he is obessed with her. I have been to a doctor for depression meds and currently in therapy. after reading the stories here I am sorry for each an every one of you going thru this absolute heartache. So I thought why not get my story off my chest and write here with you all.

  91. Ok, I am 48 years old and I divorced about 18 months ago from a man I was married to for 23 years – he is NOT the issue. about a little over a year ago I contacted an old college boyfriend – we had dated for about 5 years – engaged, but he broke it off and I saw him only three times after the break up. After contacting him we emailed daily for over six months and now stay in touch by email only every couple weeks – he is married to his second wife – the emails are friendly – no sexting or inappropriate comments. However, I am completely obsessed with him – I can’t stop thinking about him and look for emails from him daily – I am going crazy thinking about him and don’t know what to do about it. We don’t talk on the phone – I have made statements that it would be nice to actually have a conversation with him instead of email but he ignores those comments. He also lives in a different state, but his kids live in my town – when he comes to town he never tells me before hand but after and I always say “well, next time lets grab a beer and catch up” he ignores that as well. What can I do to stop obsessing over him. I thought if I actually got to seem him this obsession would stop – I feel that seeing him would be enough to help me realize this is just feelings I have built up in my head and if I actually saw him would realize that and the obsession would stop. Any advice is appreciated!


  92. My boyfriend treats me like I’m nothing?
    3 months ago I met my boyfriend from a hook-up site. I didn’t love him at that time. He told me he loved me and after that I fell hard for him. After having sex for a few times he told me that he’s not worth it. That I shouldn’t miss him and think of him like a friend. And that we have no future together just because we both are guys and we live in a country where living together being gay is a very hard thing.

    He’s 20, I’m 21. I love him. So, I accepted when he told me he wanted an open relationship. It was so hard. He told me that when he proposed me he didn’t know if he loved me or not. In between these three months I have given him thoughtful gifts, did a lot of things that shows that I love him. But he didn’t do anything. When I needed him he wasn’t there. He doesn’t call me. We only chat over texts and most of those text are “good night and good morning.”

    When we first met, we talked a lot over texts and on Facebook. Then he deleted his Facebook and his profile from that hook-up site after we’ve been dating from one month. A few days ago he told me he wants to meet new people and make new friends and that I should do it too and that he wants to reopen a new profile in that hook-up site and that he’s not have sex with them just for hanging out. He’s bored and that he wants to live life to the fullest. I cried when I got home, I was so hurt. I didn’t show that I was hurt I just told him to do whatever it makes him happy.

    Then a few days ago I asked him that what he never took me to his home or let me meet his parents when I already introduced him to my parents as a friend. He didn’t want to tell me the reason. He never shares anything with me. He’s a very closed person. I pestered him about the reason. So, he told me that I’m a good person but he doesn’t trust me. He wants his personal life to be separate from his “gay life.” He’s scared that I might stir up drama and might tell his mom something about his orientation if we are not friends someday. I was even more hurt. It’s the first time I cried in front of him. I gave him one last gift that I bought that I thought I was going to give him when I go to his place. But that day may never come.

    HE told me he wants time to trust me. I told him I will give that time. He will see that I’m indeed a trustworthy person. But anyway, I love him so much. And he treated me like $h*t. And now I don’t want to move on. I’m just ignoring his texts. It looks like he has realized that I do care for him a lot when he has done nothing but hurt me. I tld him that I will meet him only once a year on his birthday and evey year fro mthat. So, that he will realize that I will stick around when a lot of other friends that he has or he’s going to make won’t. I know it’s a crazy idea. He told me how that’s going to make hi mtrust me if we see each other only once a year. So then he asked me that he might go for shopping someday and he wants me to come. Asked me if I will go with him. After hesitating, I said okay. Yesterday he asked me if I ate something which he never asks. I didn’t reply. I’m ignoring him. But I don’t know what I’ll do if he calls me later. What I will say when I’ve been so hurt and disrespected.

    Should I just put on a smiley face and accept to hang out with him again? Just tell me what I should do.

  93. Dear Pratik,

    Your heartbreak is understandable after losing someone after a six year relationship! That’s a long time to be together, and a cruel way to end. It sounds like it was a shock to find out your girlfriend is marrying someone else — that’s heartbreaking. It’s hard enough to get over a breakup, much less one that is so painful and dismissive.

    I encourage you to talk to someone professional about how you feel, or call a distress line. It’s normal to feel heartbroken and grieving because you lost your girlfriend, but its’ important for you to realize that she is not your whole life!

    Your relationship with her is not the foundation of your life — or she shouldn’t be, anyway! If you put all your hope and love and trust in a person, you will be disappointed and hurt. A partner should be a healthy addition to an already happy life, not the foundation of everything.

    Does this make sense to you? What else in your life is meaningful and important?

  94. Dear Scott,

    Thank you for being here, and for your honesty. It sounds like you and your girlfriend are facing a huge life change! It’s totally understandable and healthy to experience doubt, fear, and anxiety about how the move will affect your relationship. Your girlfriend is expressing her uncertainty to you, which is a good thing — she trusts you enough to be honest and real! That says alot about your relationship.

    Your girlfriend is also facing alot of uncertainty in terms of her living arrangements, job/school, and all the rest of the stuff that comes with moving to a new city — especially one like London! She’s probably feeling unsettled and worried about all the new things coming up, and one of the new things is how your relationship will be affected.

    At this point, I don’t think you should break up with her. She is expressing her doubts and fears, and she’s right to be worried about how the distance will affect your relationship.

    If I were you, I’d take it one day at a time. I’d encourage her to do the same. Take each weekend as it comes…if the long distance thing gets to be too much, then you need to talk.

    It seems to me that it’s too soon to break up just because it may be difficult to live a couple hours apart. Maybe the distance will be your undoing, but you won’t know until you try it.

    If she wants to break it off, then you have to let her go. But instead of thinking about splitting, I encourage you to give the long distance thing a try.


  95. Dear Hurt,

    Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds like you and your girlfriend (ex-girlfriend, now!) have been through a lot of ups and downs together. There are so many emotions attached to seemingly innocent or simple conversations or actions, so much emotional history, that it’s difficult to know how to get past it!

    You are handling things well – you are working on yourself and finding the support you need to heal and move into a happier, healthier stage of your life. I’m glad you’re seeking guidance from others, and I have no doubt that you’re providing support to the people you encounter at AA and other places!

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. If there’s anything specific you’d like me to hold up for you, please let me know.


  96. Hi all,

    My girl broke with me in Jan for a reason i could just not get it..” SHE IS GETTING MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE” she tells me when everything in her life was all set n had a head start to her relationship with the other person…we were together for 6 long years n then suddenly one day on skype messenger she tells me… N i that time could just not get it in my head n till date its the same situation i just cant get out her…she is all over my mind,.. i cant get eat, sleep….everything is just gone…my life feels empty nothing is left… have been trying a lot to get over but every time i fail….sometime the thought of not living triggers in…Not a single day has gone where i have not wept…
    just cant handle myself anymore…

  97. I feel this may be premature for me, because as it stands, i’m still in a relationship, but I’m fearing the worst…

    My girlfriend is moving to London soon (about an hour and a half away from me) and the closer it’s got, the more cold and distant she’s become. Recently I asked if she was OK and she let it all out, saying she was unsure she could maintain a long distance relationship, as we both have full time jobs so would only be able to see each other on the weekends, and that’s if we we’re both free. It’s crushing me, but she will go from saying this, to saying she loves me in the same sentence and it’s messing with my head.

    I’m not sure what to do… do I carry on in a fruitless endeavour to keep us going, only to potentially postpone the inevitable? or do I end it before she leaves so I can get the horrible dejection over with? I love her with all my heart, but as much as i’d love to carry on our relationship, I have the impending feeling it will be a case of ‘jumping before i’m pushed’.

  98. Dear Jack,

    Thanks for sharing your story here! It sounds like you’ve been through many ups and downs in the past seven months. Not just ups and downs, but confusion, regret, second-guessing yourself, and even love.

    I wonder if there’s something going on, external to your relationship with your girlfriend? I don’t know anything about your past, but sometimes we shy away from connection and long-term relationships because of stuff we haven’t dealt with from before.

    Your comments inspired me to write this article:

    The regret and grief you feel is normal. Most of us feel bad when we let go of someone we care about – even when we know we’re not meant to be together. But, I encourage you to look beyond this relationship and consider if maybe there are other factors that are contributing to your on-again, off-again relationship with your ex-girlfriend.

    Feel free to work out your thoughts and feelings here, or privately — or just ignore my comments! Whatever works for you 🙂


  99. Hi everyone, I thought I would share my experience because I can relate to a lot of people on this thread.

    Me and my ex dated for two years. She broke up with me three weeks ago, and I find myself obsessing over her entirely too much. The sad thing is that this isn’t the first time she has broken up with me. In fact, this is the third time she has broken up with me since February. We got back together in February AFTER she broke up with me in November.

    Our relationship had a lot of ups and downs. In the two years that we dated, we never had sex because of some issues she didn’t want to disclose to me. I respected her wishes, but it hurt because there was a serious lack of affection and when I broached the subject, she would accuse me of forcing her to have sex with me.

    We also have anger issues. I admit having snapped on her in the past when angry but in the past few months, she had been snapping on me over so many little things. It began to feel as if I was walking on eggshells around her. I began to try to practice things that I have learned like taking time-outs, praying, etc. but whenever I did, she would call me a “princess” or a “queen” for getting upset in the first place. The reason why I would do these things was in order to prevent myself from lashing out. However, I eventually raged on her this last go around because I bottled everything in.

    My ex is a PHd student and has a lot of stress in her life. To help her, I would buy or cook her dinner, clean her house for her when she was busy, and do other little things to help her out. But it wasn’t enough. She snapped on me, her landlord, her parents, her sister, the cable guy, and was constantly complaining about her stress. In fact, she almost had the police called on her when she raged on a convenience store clerk over $5. When I told her to let it go and that it wasn’t worth it, she raged on me for taking the clerk’s side and pushed me. But I let it go.

    This last go around, I simply asked her if she was ok after she had left a store angry at a clerk. She lashed out on me for asking her that because she felt that I was “projecting”. I told her I was just concerned because she was angry, and she continued to rage at me for asking her if she was ok. I held it in, but eventually I snapped and called her “crazy b**ch”. She then proceeded to call me a “fag” and “princess” for getting upset with her. I apologized twenty minutes later and even apologized earlier this week but the damage had been done. She broke up with me. Again.

    I am in recovery, and we have seven years sober come January. I have redoubled on my AA meetings, have gone back to therapy, and have began praying, meditating and journaling constantly. But I am still obsessing over what could have been. I want her back. It hurts.

  100. I broke up with my girlfriend of seven months last week. We met by chance in college (she was a freshman and I a junior). We began seeing each other and going out on dates. I hadn’t been with a girl in almost three years, so I was very excited to be dating again. A few weeks into dating this girl, however, I began to feel less interested. I believe this was likely because the excitement and attraction which accompanied our first few dates had begun to wear off. I therefore told her that I felt I was only ‘stringing her along’, as they say, and that we should not see each other anymore. Immediately afterwards the guilt, remorse, and regret flared up. So I spent the next couple of days begging for her forgiveness and a second chance, which she gave gracefully. We began dating again and shortly thereafter entered a romantic relationship.
    As the relationship progressed I continually felt as though I had made a poor decision. I often wished I would have never asked for a second chance. Don’t get me wrong, I really cared for this sweet, fun, cute, and ever so loving girl, but I just didn’t feel that she was the one for me. We had a lot of fun times together, but I often found myself frustrated with our relationship overall. Our personalities often clashed, we never really communicated our problems very well, and we really didn’t have too much in common. I began to get annoyed with a lot of little unimportant things, but they drove me crazy. Despite the wonderful attributes that drew me to her in the beginning and the fact that I still cared about her very much, I just could not shake this gut feeling that we were not meant for each other.
    When, after seven months, I broke up with her, she was absolutely devastated. I told her that I didn’t think I was ready for a serious relationship and that I needed time to figure out what was right for me.
    Again, the guilt, remorse, and regret flared, this time along with loneliness and quite a lot of pain and tears. I know it’s only been a week and healing takes time, but this is the first time I’ve ever broken up with a girl. I guess I’m just confused; I don’t know whether I’ve made the right choice or not. She was so good to me, she loved me despite all of my flaws and I feel awful for hurting her. However, she deserved the best and, being often frustrated with her and our relationship, I could not give her what she deserved.
    That’s my story, I just felt the need to share it somewhere and receive some sort of feedback. Thanks for your time!

  101. Dear Ian,

    Thank you for being here – it sounds like your ex was a complicated woman who has been through alot. That may be why you love her so much, and why it’s difficult to let her go. Sometimes we love the “underdogs” – the vulnerable and tragic – more than our hearts can bear.

    I believe you WILL find true love. You will connect with a healthy, happy, strong woman who can give you the love both you and she deserve.


  102. Hi all!
    Thought I would share my experience with everyone. My ex broke up with me a week ago today. So far, she has pretty much been all that I have thought about. I don’t know why, but I loved her. The reason I say I don’t know why, is because the relationship was far from perfect.
    This is our third break up, everytime it has been her that has ended things. There was no trust, she cheated on me early on in the initial relationship and I’m sure there’s been others too. I was fresh out of a 4 year relationship when we started dating, me being nearly 4 years older than her.
    It was full of bad, we weren’t happy together, but love seemed to keep making us come back for more.
    At one point during our second attempt together I discovered that she had met her ex when she was visiting “friends” in another city, despite telling me that he was the one pushing to meet her and she was apparently refusing.
    She was almost always Hot and Cold, one minute she loved me more than the world itself and others she didn’t seem to have any time whatsoever for me.
    When she was drinking, which as a 21 year old student is relatively often, she became this emotional/angry wreck that I (in all honesty) detested. She would shout at me, cry, tell me she hated me and so on. And then the next day, she would have no recollection of this.
    I was constantly walking on egg shells.

    Why did I stick around? I loved her.
    She had a rough upbringing, her parents split, alcohol and depression being the main root of this. No stability in the family and she takes the brunt of it being the daughter that wants to make everyone else happy. Despite what I have said, she’s actually a really nice girl.
    And that’s why I miss her. On top of that, I worry about her. She’s had moments in the past where she has tried to end her troubles.
    I know I’m not her carer, or her lover anymore.

    This time around I do feel more confident that one day I will find true love that is meant to be, or at least I really hope I do. This worries me an awful lot. I want to get over her, but it’s as if my subconsious says “NO! You will think about her all the time!”.

  103. Dear Stacey,

    Thank you for sharing here – I’m sorry I don’t have any answers for you! If there was ever a time I wished I had a magic wand, ’tis now. I’d wave it, and free you from this obsession.

    When was the last time you visited your doctor, and had a physical exam? I wonder if there is something physiological going on that is affecting your energy and mood. I know you said no amount of medication has helped, so maybe you’ve tried this route.

    Another possibility is to uproot your life! Move to a new city, get a new job — change everything up. You’ll be forced to focus on different things, and maybe it’ll help you get on with what really matters in life (which is the present, not the past!! Don’t give him more than you already have).

  104. It’s been 2 years and I haven’t been able to stop obsessing about my ex and what ‘could hav been’. I completely understand the stupidity in rehashing years-old scenarios and events I wish I could change or had acted differently in. It’s like I just can’t forgive myself for my behaviours, even though I know he was probably not a good match for me. I crave his ‘fun-ness’ more than anything and can’t find anything in my life that even compares to the ‘high’ I got from him. But, I also know there were really good reasons why I was not happy in the relationship. Now I see him on Facebook with his girlfriend of 2 years, all smiles and lovely couple-dom. He moved on long, long, long ago and I am still stuck in the past. I barely get through my days. I fake happiness around my friends because I feel they are tired of hearing me try to deal with past events. My life has been in a standstill since he left. I hate my life and no amount of therapy or medication is seeming to help. I want to get my life back but can’t seem to get let go and it’s killing me. I’m scared to date or ever love gain because this hurts so much. I hate that he has completely moved on. It just kills me because I completely thought he was who I was spending he rest if my life with. I know there are a lot of contradictions in what I’ve written here but it’s what I feel.

  105. Damien,

    Thank you for your comments! I don’t think we’d be bored with your story – and sometimes writing about what happened to you helps with healing and moving forward in your life. If you ever want to share your story, we’re here for you 🙂

    I hope you find more happiness and positivity in your life as you move on with your life.


  106. Reading some of the comments on here is helping in knowing I’m not the only one out there who struggles to get over an ex. My story is too long and sad imo so wont bore. I’m left with feelings of sadness and regret for what could have been which I think I share with most of you. I hope you all find a way of replacing this with happiness and positivity for the future as I too fight to get my life back.

    As one other poster said ‘if it was that good and it didn’t work, how good can it be when it does’!

    All the best

  107. You are right Laurie about your last sentence in your article “It takes determination and self-control to control the direction your thoughts take. But, ultimately, you do have control. You just need to find the willpower – and the right technique – for overcoming obsessive love.” People seem not to get it at first but love is a form of obsession. Actually, it is called an obsession after you break-up but while you are in the relationship it is called love. I am not surprised now that it takes a long time to get over a person because you do get obsessed with that person. It is an addiction. You come back to get that same feeling but you don’t and it is like chasing a high that will never be there again. In any case, if you are knowledgeable to the fact that you control your thoughts and behaviors, it will be easier to move on. It will not be over night but it will happen.

    I personally realized deep inside of me that I can’t see myself growing old with this guy. That he was just going to hell for me. Although, he had a sweet side and all. He had habits that I couldn’t live with like hoarding and being cheap to name a few… I said I deserve better. I got rid of him, all the stuff that he gave me and all I was left was with his memory. And I kept myself so busy for a good two months that I hardly thought of him and when I did think of him, I only remembered the negative things he did to me. I never romanticize him because I realized that I would never get that “high” back again. Chasing it would only be destructive to me. It is history and time to move on. I love me more than that obsession. And I remembered that I had a life before him and I didn’t need him back then to be happy. I got my life back and thank God for that! I never want to be in a relationship where I am giving and giving just get so little back. And lastly, you control your thoughts and what you keep as a memory or not. So be kind to yourself and make the effort to let the past behind. Don’t be addicted to chasing the high and the dream making that person change… They are never going to change unless they want to. And there is no such thing as a soul mate but there is a compatible mate for you. So don’t waste your time and go out there and meet the one that will appreciate you the most. 🙂

  108. Dear Rosanna,

    Thank you for your wonderful tips and encouragement about overcoming a breakup! I love your ideas, and hope other readers are encouraged by your strength and courage.

  109. It took me about a year to get over my ex… I found many different things that replaced him… One, Salsa and bachata dancing. It is the most sensual feeling in the world… I fell in love with it… I surf and i moved to a different city, i changed my number.. I deleted my facebook, I have good friends in my life, and i hang out with positive people. He really hurt me a lot but i canstrongly say i forgave him and i hope he is doing well. He will always be my first real love, but i have accepted that we are not good together, and I’m happier then ever. Try dancing it will change your life!

  110. Dear svenvol,

    What does your therapist tell you about how you handled your relationship and love for this woman? Are you getting tips on coping with the guilt, and forgiving yourself?

    Tell me what advice you’re getting, and what insights you’re gaining from this experience.

  111. Dear Ashland13,

    You’ve been through a lot with your husband in the past 17 years, haven’t you?

    I haven’t heard of “affair fog”, but I wrote this article for you:

    How to Stop Feeling Hurt and Stuck in the Past

    I encourage you to find ways to let your husband go. I don’t think he’ll change — he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong! Listen to your friends and family. You have the power and strength to stop obsessing and get on with your life — but you have to work at it. It’ll get easier in time.

    I hope the article helps, and welcome your thoughts.


  112. Hello, I (45) started almost 4 years ago a relationship with a co-worker (33)… due to legal issues initiaded by her ex (custody over their son), after 1 year she had to return permanently to her home-country on another continent… during 2 years we skyped and twice a year I visited her. Last year they could – surprisingly – come back for a year and we took of course the opportunity to look for a lawyer who could defend her… in vain… everything had to be decided in her home- country… I freaked out and last April I left her without any explanation after a discussion about – I don’t remember anymore… after a couple of weeks we were back together and the three of us spent an amazing time together until she had to leave in July… I “promised” her that I would eventually move to the other side of the world… and then last November – while visiting her – I realized that to continue our relationship I (!) finally had to make a decision; moving and leaving some “things” behind and starting all over again… I freaked out again… so what did I do; I broke off the relationship just like that, after a discussion about her son’s behaviour and left again (!) without any explanation… I continued my “stay” on the other side of town in a hotel and sent her one more mail apologizing… looking back I should have done it of course in a mature way and/or MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE FOLLOWED MY HEART… I really love her!… now she tells me I always was insecure about our relationship and I have to look for a reason why I couldn’t and never will commit… she doesn’t want to see/hear me ever again and doesn’t need me anymore… a personal disorder or just a too complicated situation (long distance/looking after her son/starting from scratch?) which freaked me out? I’m seeing a therapist because I feel so guilty and can’t forgive myself I hurt them so much! Thx for a reply…

  113. Thanks for your comments, Luke!

    I hope everyone reads your advice and the quote you shared, because they are nuggets of gold.

  114. Hi Marie,

    I think you should give your boyfriend space. Give him a chance to miss you, to appreciate you. He can’t see how kind, smart, strong, and loving you are when you are right in front of him! You need to step back, and let him experience life without you.

    Let him go. He’ll come back to you if it’s right for you two to be together.

    I wrote this for you:

    I hope it helps…and that you can give your boyfriend time and space.


  115. HI Laurie,

    Thank you, I am going to try the exercises that you prescribed above. I do some of them already, but my thoughts sort of spin away from me and he sneaks back in.

    I was married for 17 years and met ex when I was 17 years old. He was the love of my life and though the last two years were rocky, I think it was him making it harder so he could leave for his affair. I have heard that people sometimes create fights so that they can feel more compelled to go and have that to remember instead of all the good?

    He abandoned our daughter and I and I let him back in four times. The last time he pretended false reconcilliation and it set me back as if the last year had never occured. He’s been gone about a year all told and in the fall I was pretty detatched, though I did not know of all the cheating. Besides the virtual affair, there was a lot of online stuff I have been learning of.

    Although I keep reminding myself of all the hurt he has caused us, I think I cannot let go of the person he was before the affair began. I can’t stop mourning the dreams he killed and we are going to have to lose the house we built, where my daughter grew up.

    I got pregnant during false r and he says he wants to be part of both children’s lives, but what influence will he be? I have no wish to keep any of them apart and want them to have a father.

    I never thought the rest of my life would be this way. People tell me I am better off without him and the hurt and control-what I thought was helping me was controlling me. He is extreme narcissist and passive agressive and there are signs of sex addition coming out, yet he claims his affair “honest”?

    He started it by lying to the op and lying to me as well, so I am confused as to how he feels this is honest and going to work?

    So my questions for you are many-do you think it is going to work long term and how can I stop the thoughts of him creeping back in my head?

    I am not letting him back and am getting the locks changed. Yet I can’t stop thinking of all he has lost for the change he made in his life. He has a huge family and lost respect from many of them. It’s a small community and is getting around town, but OP lives two hours away and I think he will just bury himself under a rock there?

    I am going on vacation next month to the South and have great hope that I can put my thoughts elsewhere. It is in a warm climate with my own relatives, one who is getting married and can help with that.

    No matter how much I remember the hurt and still he hurts me, he stays in my head-or she does.

    Thank you for any ideas. I do have a counselor and lawyer who are helpful but can’t go often because of money.
    Lastly, what are your thoughts on the “affair fog” theories?

  116. Hi Laurie,
    I was living with my boyfriend for 5 months and things got very intense with him, but not in a good way. He was very controlling and at the same time I saw him looking at other girls a lot. Even flirting with cashiers, etc, but still telling me I was the love of his life. I’ve left him, but the thing is I’ve known him since high school, we had a 4 year on/off relationship and then we went our separate ways until 6 months ago when we got back together, and I moved in with him. I always thought he was the “one” and that should have been with him. I used to cry about him in the past. He wrote very romantic letters, stories, etc. He says beautiful things, but the reality of him was he was really only concerned about himself and was using me. So, why do I still feel so hurt, and wanting him to really love me the way I thought he did? I have spoken to him a little on the phone and he says he loves me still, wants me back, but it doesn’t feel real. Intellectually I understand he has a problem, is probably a narcisisst, but my heart and emotions wont seem to let go. Let go of the dream.

  117. I hope this works for me. My ex and I had been together for 3 years before she broke things off a couple of weeks ago stating that I have hurt her way too much. We have had ups and downs in our relationship but never gone to this level. We got into a fight 3 weeks ago and then made up. The following day, a girl I have known longer than my ex, a good friend of mine ask me to dinner to catch up as we havent seen in a year or so. I used to have a crush on her but no anymore. Trying to be transparent, I called my ex and asked her if she didnt mind if I had dinner with the girl since my ex knew I had a crush on her before. Well, that is where the story ended. She flipped out, and was so mad even though I canceled the dinner. Then she asked for time and space. A week later she tells me she loves me so much, but she wants to try and love another person, wants to see other people, that there is better out there for her. Told me the bad in 3 years was way more than the good (this is after she told the world on valentine that the last 3 years were the best of her life). She said she doesnt want to be friends for at least 3 years. I love her so dearly, we had even started ring shopping. I told her I would set her free, but will not give up on her yet.. It has been hard to move on, harder to stop thinking about her.. does she even think about me? is she going through the same emotions I am going through? I wish I knew. There are a lot of things people suggest that I do to help me move on, but at the end of the day, the only thing that works is time… And damn it, time is taking its time

  118. Hey….

    Thanks for making this thread, it really helped me. Especially that rubber band trick. Small, simple but effective.

    I had/have a hard time getting over my ex. The love of my life (and i dont say that lightly). So much hassle, with lyes, secrets and cheating to so many different degrees caused us to break apart.

    Unfortunatly nothing helped ease the pain. Even though it probably should have been the easiest break up to deal with. It just wasnt.

    I’ve seen a psychologist and a councellor to help me deal with this after having it nearly kill me for a second time. I know ive been diagnosed with co-dependency but this is ridiculous. Still going on loving someone who hurt me…. Sickens me.

    Maybe she was my soul mate, maybe not. But my friends have taught me that there are more deserving people out there for me. Its just a case of finding them.

    My advice to anyone else this run down is to just try and take the higher approach as my councellor sugested…. Move on, dont hate her/him. Maybe offer a hand. Let him or her know that you will always be around to “help” them if you do truly love them.
    Accept what is and make time to improve yourself. You will find someone better.

    – Wise quote from a friend “If it was that good with the wrong girl/boy…. Imagine how good it will be with the right one ;)”

    Honestly its a truely sad story, that me and (M) ended. The love i had for her, and what i thought she had for me, truley could have been magnificent.

    But remember. The reason things ended. Whatever they may be. And more importantly remember that you can be something special without that person.

    All the best to you all. (hope this helped)

  119. Hello!
    My ex boyfriend and I had been together for around 3-4 years. Our relationship has always been very happy and strong – we often refer to each other as best friends alongside boyfriend/girlfriend. However, things got rough this year when my boyfriend went to Vet school, which required him to live about 4 hours away from where I currently go to college. If we had a car the distance would be easy, but both of us are on loans as it is. Whenever we saw each other it was wonderful, however the times apart were very difficult for my boyfriend. Once or twice a month he would break down and I would end up reminding him that our relationship was worth it.

    Well, this month was the last straw. I had just been up to visit him and as usual we had a great weekend. However after I left we began to try and plan our next visit, and found out that our schedules were too conflicting for the next month! As a result, my ex broke up with me. However, he claimed that he still loved and cared for me, and still wants me in his life because he wants to have a future with me. Naturally, I responded that if I was that important to you, why on Earth would you have broken up with me!? Well, men are confusing.

    We’re currently not talking because he wants to “give me space” – personally, I’m not sure what I want now. I’m tempted to continue having him in my life, especially since we had planned a future together, but I feel like I deserve someone who is willing to be with me through ALL of the hard times.


  120. Dear Jonathan,

    It sounds like your breakup has affected you deeply, and even broken your heart. It’s devastating when you lose someone you care about.

    I think it’s important to remember that your relationship wasn’t perfect! She was lying to you from the very beginning, and you couldn’t trust her. Your relationship was a struggle from the start.

    Do you think this means you weren’t meant to be together? I do. Do you think that your relationship would get more and more difficult if you had stayed together? I definitely do!

    My advice to you is to keep reminding yourself that you weren’t meant to be with this girl. You and she weren’t good for each other, and you didn’t have a healthy relationship. Why are you obsessing over a relationship that wasn’t healthy or happy? Why do you want to be with someone you can’t trust?

    I encourage you to talk ta a counselor, and get professional help to overcome this breakup. Sometimes we’re so wrapped up in our pain and heartache, we can’t see reality. Counselors are really good at helping us see our lives and choices objectively, and supporting us as we move forward into healthier stages of life.

    What do you think?

  121. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen please answer this I want some help.

    Hey when me and my ex broke up it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. We only went out for a year. Now in the beginning of the relationship I caught her lying to me about who she was hanging out with and asked her not to hang out with her friends anymore. She had nothing but guy friends at the time. Anyways I caved in and let her hang out with whatever girlfriends she could get. I still didn’t trust her guy friends because they were the type that thinks its ok to tickle fight with girls.
    Anyways time goes by and she wants to hang out with some guy friends. I told her we talked about this. I trusted her just not them. Before we even had a serious conversation about it she broke up with me. Months later I blew up on her Facebook and now she won’t even talk to me. I tried to apologize but now her mother doesn’t want her to talk to me. I feel like a jerk the way I treated her. Now she’s dating this pot head who happens to be a longtime friend of her family’s. I can’t seem to get her out of my mind. I even tried to commit suicide once. Please tell me what’s the best way to get her out of my head?

  122. I like that thought, that the person you thought you loved can’t hurt you anymore….unless you let them. Obsessing over a breakup only harms you, and doesn’t do any good. I know it’s easy to say “stop obsessing”, and much harder in practice.

    Have you heard of Byron Katie? She’s written some excellent books on questioning your thoughts and not letting your beliefs control you.

  123. Look, if you broke up with him/her, it was for a very good reason. People don’t do things they don’t like to do and breaking up is not something people enjoy to do unless they are looking for drama. Anyway, give yourself a break and remember that there are more fish in the sea. You don’t need to obsess over a person who is probably happy and is on his/her way to the movies with someone else. Then you do the same too. Although it hurts at first, you will ultimately forget about it because at the end of the day you will realize what a very good decision it was not be with that person after all. They can no longer hurt you. So, don’t let them hurt you anymore with your obsessive thoughts. Enough is enough. They made happy at times in the past but most of the time they made you sad and you cried and fought a lot. Therefore, don’t perpetuate this lifestyle in your head anymore. They are gone and you are free to be happy and have your life back again. And Life does goes on. Quit hurting yourself over it. Love yourself instead.

  124. Dear Emmitt,

    Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you are really struggling, and I’m glad you found someone to relate to here. I wish you all the best as you move forward in your life!

  125. To stop obsessing over your ex is really hard to do especially when they give you false hope. I really do understand your pain john… I really do. I did the same thing but in a different way.

    Me and my ex has known each other since August of last year. We then got together on Christmas day which was amazing. I’ve had many girlfriends in the past which i really didn’t care about and nor did I obsess much over them but this one was different. We spent all day, every day talking to each other. Laughing about stupid stuff and we seemed to connect really well. But i had a problem similar to yours john. Because of my past of being abused, poverty, and no parents love back then. I turned into a cold heart child that heart is barely started to warm up. I had all this anger in me and i took it out on her. She told me that she couldn’t take it so she broke up with me on the Saturday after valentines day. She claimed that she loves me and still but she wants me to be happy and is telling herself that she will bear the lonesome of being single just for me to be happy. (By the way, this is a long distance relationship and i thought i should give it a chance) Well anyways, she broke up with me last weekend because her friend Kyle (which is a sociopath and try to claim me to be one when he broke us up.) told her to and convinced her. Kyle lied to us and told us not talk to each other and would help us get better by giving each other updates on each other but he didn’t. Then the following Monday, we talked to each other and told everything was the truth and we became friends and actually considered being together again when she comes down on her birthday (march 8th). It was going good, we were talking about taking the same classes at the college i was planning to go after i graduate high school. Then yesterday, she told me that it would be best if i didn’t go to her college and go to my what was my dream college before. I told her that the college she was at is my dream college. She told me it wasn’t healthy and guess what… Kyle spend the night yesterday!!! Now this morning, shes talking to me less and I’m getting really scared because we had something going on and shes my first love and I’m hers (her first boyfriend that she claim to love.) Has her feelings for me faded? I kept texting her this morning trying to avoid the topic because i want to make her smile but she doesn’t text me back and I’m worried that I’m losing her to Kyle and she has feelings for him even though she claimed that she doesn’t. I don’t want to leave her to the sociopath, shes gonna get hurt. As of yesterday, she claimed that I have a pattern when dealing with situation that she cant handle so that why she claims that we are not compatible but we were at the very beginning. She claims to still love me but Kyle keeps interfering and I don’t know what to do. I keep obsessing over her… I don’t need this now especially i left my house Sunday to get rid of the anger within myself for her.

  126. Dear Claire,

    It hurts so much when you find out your ex is seeing someone else! I know how awful it is. I am sorry you are going through this.

    How long have you and he been apart? You lived together for over 6 years, and it takes a long time to get over a broken relationship. If you and he broke up a few months ago, then it is normal to be thinking about him a lot. But, if you think you are obsessing about him in an unhealthy way, then maybe you need to talk to a counselor.

    Different people get over breakups in different ways. Me, I love to travel and get away from the environment I was with my ex in. Other people find it helpful to do other things, such as volunteering or quitting their jobs and going back to school.

    How did you get over painful experiences in the past?

  127. hi, i lived with my ex for 6/12 years, are relationship come to an end, as he said he still loved me but thinks we want different things out of life, he moved out and we remind friends and had regular face to face contact, I think deep down i was hoping he would come back, until last week he new girlfriend wrote on his facebook that they were going away together, i never even knew he was dating let alone in a serious relationship, this turned my world up side down again, i contacted him asking why he did not tell, me he said he did not want to hurt my feeling and has no control over what she puts on facebook, i know he is right and are relationship had flaws, but i cannot seem to move on and all i now do is cry, i am usually very controlled with my emotions, i feel like i am going crazy!!!

  128. Dear John,

    Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds like you sincerely regret mistreating your girlfriend, and wish you could do things differently.

    Living with regret for the past is no good, unless your regret changes your present life. It’s unhealthy to beat yourself up for how you treated your girlfriend – or to obsess about her.

    Have you written her a sincere letter of apology for the ways you mistreated her? Maybe that will help you forgive yourself. Sometimes asking for forgiveness is a way to be cleansed from the past, and move on with our lives.

    What do you think of that?

  129. Hi, this is the other side of the coin. I’m the bad guy here and I feel so guilty and depressed and I can’t forgive my self. I was in a 9 year old relationship no kids. My gf decided to leave me last month, because I mistreated her so much, and I didn’t show love or affection towards her for whatever reasons (my past, childhood, the way I was raised with no love and etc. all contributed to this failure). Now that she left me I feel like I loved her more than anyone, but without showing her affection and love she got tired of me and decided to find a new begining. This left me devastated because I never tried to change to save our relationship, now I been meditating and trying to find peace, but I feel so guilty and i feel like I won’t be able to forgive myself for what i did to her and the many times I made her cry. Every moment that I made her cry is coming back to me just killing me in pain and I feel miserable, she forgave me already, but I can’t forgive myself because it just hurts too much thinking all the damage I’ve done to her.. I’m affraid that I won’t be able to continue without her. Eventhough I have no chance of getting her back, all this made me realize I have to change… But I’m dying I can’t see a future anymore, and me thinking of her everyday is just making it worse,, I’m trully sorry for my mistakes…

  130. Dear Jade xoxo,

    I don’t know what the best way to get over your ex is — because it’s different for everyone!

    Me, I had to obsess about my ex-boyfriends until I got tired of myself. It became boring to keep obsessing, so I moved on. For me, it was time that helped me heal and get on with my life.

    In your past breakups, what helped you heal?

  131. Hey, it’s me again. A few things i forgot to metion in my comment below. We met in our first year of high school, and from the start we were good friends. Everyone said we were cute together and he had always had a crush on me, but i never realised. I started liking him in that way a year later, and my friends got us together. He was so sweet and he told me everyhting. He told me about his dad. His dad had died a few years ago from Kidney failure, and i have kidney problems myself so i understood it myself, and i comforted him. We had a few small arguments, but he always was so apolegetic straight away, but he would always get sooo jelous if i spoke to other boys.I’m good friends with my other ex and in a french lesson that my boyfriend wasn’t in, my other ex had been chatting to me (all friendly-INNOCENT-We are just friends) but a boy in my class told him i had been flirting, and my boyfriend ignored me and avoided me for ages. He was a great boyf most of the time, and i can’t stop thinking about him. Everything reminds me of him. I need help! I’m so miserable! :(:(:(

  132. Hey. My ex broke up with me about a month ago, but he just told (well shouted across the room) at my friends that i was a moody cow and that he wasn’t seeing me anymore, and then my friends told me. We had been in an argument for about a week and i confronted him and asked if i had done anything wrong an hour before. I acted as if i didn’t care at all, but i cried myself to sleep every night and i hurt so much. After a month of pretending to my best friends i had a sort of break down and cried to them and told them how much i was hurting. They were really great. I scowered the web for ways to get over him, couldn’t find anything though. We go to school together and are in all the same classes. He keeps looking at me, and a week after we broke up, he told his friends that he thought i was cute. He keeps looking at me and smiling at me and he always seems to turn up where i happen to be. I thought he still loved me like i still love him, but the other day he asked out my best friend Shannon. She said no, but he asked her 3 times again. I have acted like i don’t care, but all the next day he kept looking at me and i need to get over him because he hurt me so much and i can’t love him forever. 🙁 🙁 🙁

  133. I don’t think there is any one way to stop obsessing about your past love. Part of breaking up is being stuck with the memories – and learning from your past.

    One of the best tips for getting on with your life is staying as busy and active as possible. Get involved in your work, school, groups, community, volunteering — do stuff that takes your mind off your ex. Pursue your passions and your goals. Build something from the ground up! Get so tired during the day that you have no energy to spend lying awake at night, thinking about your ex.

    Spend your energy on worthwhile things. Obsessing about your ex isn’t worthwhile or valuable.

  134. hi there so my ex and i
    broke up3 months ago we were engaged we had been together for4&1/2 years i met him in high school and he was my first…. anyways it seems to me that no matter what i do or what anyone does it reminds me about him and every night i just hurt worse and i found out last night hes now dating my best friend i dont know how to stop thinking of all the great times we had together

  135. Hi Laurie,

    I just wanted to thank-you for this post. I’ve always had a problem with thinking obsessively about an ex-girlfriend, and have harboured some really unhealthy beliefs about this thinking behaviour. For example, I think that underlying this behaviour is a belief that constantly thinking about it will lead to some kind of ‘pay-off’. Whatever the reason, I know that I can’t stand it anymore, and my obsessive thinking is definitely preventing me from moving forward and living a full, fruitful life.

    Again, thanks a lot for sharing your knowledge.



  136. How do i get out of a realtionship that is effecting my health… I have looked thru many of way and I still find myself goin right back into it… I am beginning to hate myself and my life cause really it all revolves around him… When I try to talk to him about how I feel he states that its all good yeah for him cause he has his cake and is eating it too.. I hate myself for letting him do this to me but I blame myself its like he is a drug and I am very addicted… I want help thru what ever means but dont know where to start to get on the path of me being happy again..

  137. I divorced my bipolar physically,mentally and emotionally abusive husband almost 10 years ago. I miss him terribly even though I am in another relationship. How sick am I????

  138. Zoe, I want to thank you for your tip on looking up Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I did look it up and it fits my ex to a “T”. I do think knowing about the disorder will help me to get over him emotionally finally! It puts things in a different perspective now! Thank you again for the suggestion – it was very helpful!

  139. Hey all you people obsessing about your ex partners…. search the internet and read all you can about Narcissitic Personality Disorder…..chances are your ex has it!!! When you realise this you will find it easy to stop them from emotionally hurting you and move on with your life. All the best to everyone X

  140. hi me and my ex broke up almost a month ago. me and hin were only together for 3 months.. but we had been friends for EIGHT years. it seems i was so in love with him. but now that we are not together i just cant stop thinking about him. when i see a picture of him my heart sinks and there come the waterworks and rushing thoughts of how maybe I was the problem or the possible lies he couldve been tellin me. and i cant stand that he is happy without me… idk how to make it all stop

  141. When he and I started.. I was completely nonchalant. We met through mutual friends.. I was suppose to get fixed up with a different guy and he just happend to be there at the right place right time.. he had just gone through a break up a year before that.. and i wanted no part of it. But, it happened.. he was persistent and we had undeniable chemistry. I know it seems childish that I recall now but I would do things subconciously to sabotage it.. like, perversely reject and ignore him when he blatantly wanted me.. say things to make him jealous.. yes, childish. But, we’d overcome it.. We dated for over a year and he disappeared. I should be mature enough to keep it moving.. i should have enough self-respect to know that i deserve someone better.. someone who will not disappear without a word.. BUT, inevitably I’m stuck in obsession.

  142. I’m very young but i know how it feels to be in love, I’m in love with my ex, he was the first guy i had sex with and the only one i can have sex with he have broken up many times, but this time it hurts the most, it feels like my heart has been taken out of my chest and just put it in the trash he cheated on me many times and i got raped by an old man and he called that cheating which i don’t understand, i just can’t stop thinking about him though i shouldn’t.I know im young and there are alot of fishes in the sea, but everyone have been in love at my age

    So, if you don’t shut you don’t score 😉

  143. Ready to be Happy Again!

    I like the dog vomit one. I’ve been involved with this guy for about 1/2 year. Shortly after he told me I love you, he said he was unsure if I was the “one” (by shortly, I mean a matter of days). This occurred after an argument, but I suspect these doubts would have crept in eventually. We’ve been seeing each other since then, but not knowing if we’re going to break up or work it out has caused me heartache and anxiety. I just want to get over it, break things off with him, and move on. Yet, each time I consider doing this, I panic, and can’t seem to do it. I hoping, on my own, I can use some of these techniques and just get over him. I know once I do, I’ll look back and wonder why I ever even bothered worrying about him. I love him, but I want a healthy relationship with a man 100% devoted to me, and I will NOT settle for anything less! It hurts to let go. I tried using the rubber band technique (a method I learned a long time ago), but then got to a point where I felt like I was punishing myself for my feelings, and didn’t want to do that to me. That dog vomit idea is great though! No punishing myself!!! Associate him with vomit! LOL! I’ve also been writing positive affirmations to myself on my bathroom mirror. Today’s affirmation: “It only matters what I think about me, and I love and care about me!”

  144. I met the love of my life about a month after graduating high school twenty two years ago. We only dated for a month or so and then I went away to school. We saw each other a few times over the next few years primarily for sex. We had this hot chemistry and I never found that with anyone else. We pretty much drifted apart and I moved away to another state. We didn’t have any contact for about twelve years. About three years ago we found each other online. Caught up. Neither had been married, and the sparks were still flying. However, I had just moved in with my boyfriend. So we were in contact for a few months, and then he started dating someone, and we drifted apart again.
    A year or so later, I was curious about whatever happened to him. I Googled him, and the first thing that came up was pictures of his wedding! I admit I was crushed. But figured she must be a special person to have gotten him. It hurt, but after seeing that, I filed him away in my memories and got on with my life. No problem.
    Earlier this year, out of nowhere he emails me. Mind you he has only been married a year and a half. He tells me there is no interest in sex on her part and they fight about money a lot. He and I start emailing and the emails get quite explicit. I’m still living with the boyfriend, but no sex happening here either. I’m saving to move out right now. Anyway….so yes, this is wrong with my married ex, but I realize my feelings never left. Besides sex, something about him affected me in a way that nobody else ever did. We’re both 40 now. I’m far too old to be obsessing over an ex. But that’s what has happened. I think about him all day. It hurts terribly. He wanted to come down and see me. But now suddenly the contact has dropped off. Maybe he is getting along with the wife better? Also, he works several jobs and is extremely busy all the time. But why……why did he come back into my life and rip my heart out and then disappear again? Now I’m just feeling a lot of despair and depressed all the time. Life didn’t turn out at all as I had hoped, and I guess hearing from him and this connection to the past isn’t helping. I wish I could get some counseling to help me cope but I can’t afford it. I’m hoping that the more I go without any contact from him this will get easier. I hate allowing a man to have this kind of power over me, and the fact that I met him so young. Nobody else ever compared to him. I’ve had several relationships and all felt like I was just settling. Now here I am at 40 and what happens now? I just go on for the rest of my life hurting over this guy? I’m hoping once I move out and get back into my own place things will get better. I know one reason I’m so obsessive about the ex is that I’m so unhappy in my current situation. I keep telling myself he’s married and that’s always been a big NO in my book, having anything to do with a married man, and he is off limits now. It’s just a good thing that we have thousands of miles between us or else I’m sure things could easily turn into a mess.

  145. Yeah, I split with abusive Scottish ex-girlfriend after 5 months of worsening behaviour – after initial ‘honeymoon phase’ the arguments got worse, I saw more of her anger and aggression as I couldn’t do anything right! After an ill-advised holiday at the seaside we only lasted three days, when she turned violent and punched me in the face. Needless to say, I walked away, but still can’t stop thinking about her two months later. She was no oil-painting, but hadsome kind of ‘power’ over me – I wanted her all the time, but you only want what you can’t get, and she was full of ‘nothing’! Cheers.

  146. I had been with a girl for nearly a year, she at some point said she felt somthing change i didnt. we still were together for about three weeks from then, we still were sexually active.she ends up telling me less then a month before a year, that she doesnt love me anymore (note she really did love me and i know that and she felt terrible about it all) she said she tried to see if it would come back and it didnt..(note her close friend nearly slaped her in the face when she told her she was going to break up with me) i dont blame her for what happened and she did it the right way. but i cant get over her, after the break up i wasnt the best person i asked to many questions, she said if she liked me again she wouldnt date me(mihgt be to kill any false hope), iv lost her as afriend or next to, we nealy never talk, when she comes online or rings i feel extreamly sick, i worry that shell meet somone else, im worried thell be better then me, better in other ways. im just insecrure. i worry that somthing bad will happen to her, im worried shell do stuff with other people that i know she wouldnt do shes not that kind of person. iv got one term left at colledge with her with a class that shes in. she has gorn back to her old ways of hugging people all the time (somthing i cant deal with well even when we were together)and then when shes gorn i dont know what will happen, i already was going to do the worst case scanrio of a solution a while back, thats now completly of the table (i promised somone not to do it) i just most of the time im ocupied doing somthing, but mornings nights showers, i dont want to get out or get up. i think again. i only want to be with her. i wish i could get over her becuase i dont know if she gets a boyfriend how i will react. its bad enough as it is at the moment in how my mind wonders. my relationship with her was perfect, i couldnt have been happier with anyone else. for quiet a while after the break up i tried to have a day were we could talk face to face or just in the same room. i was going to just lay it all out say that im glad we had what we had etc. but she keept being busy and now after all i have done she doesnt want to yet, she doesnt hate me but shes a maybe on us being friends. iv always been a best friend with her and nothing less. half the time earlier i hoped shed like me again, other half id want to get over her. if she likes me after being with somone else i dont know if id say yes becuase id want to be with her, but how much has she changed and how has the other person effected her. i dont want to be less then somone else for her she deserves the best somthing i cant always be. she knew that i wanted to have kids and get married at somepoint in a year to 3 years. next time that was going to be us together when we were together i just learned a lot and was going to do better i was becoming more relxaed (note im the kind of guy who is emotinal is commited, i commit myslef completly to them, im older then i am in a sense, would do anything for her if she asked) at the end of the day i want her to love me again, i want to be how iwas before i want to come back to the life/world i was in when i was with her it was perfect. otherwise i just want to either never talk or see her again after formal happens or to just still be her friend and just be when she gets someone else. i just miss her as that to begin with all the rest is going. please let me know what you think.

  147. Hi, I’m 35 years old and I need help. I had an emotional affair with a person at workplace. When I changed station and suffered from a health issue, the person very conveniently broke off with me. I was devastated and in rage called up his wife and spilled the beans of the affair. Now after all these months, he is back in touch and wants a placid colleague type relation. I on the other hand am still obsessed with him as the emotional vacuum has not been filled since he left. Totally confused. I know I should not trust this married man with kids but my emotions get the better of me.  any advice how to stop myself.

  148. It has been 3 months since my ed-fiance and I were completely and officially over, and 2 months since I found out he was cheating with two women in different counties. I have tried to go out on dates with other people, but even the thought of being out with someone who isn’t ‘him’, gives me anxiety. I have come across this site before, and didn’t post. I have googled everything about how to overcome something like this. However, let me clarify “this”: one week into being engaged, I purchased the flowers, the gown and his wedding band. After 8 months of engagement, I was still wearing a borrowed ring, and he was starting to drink heavily. When I asked why he didn’t want to get me a ring, he said “no reason”. He cancelled plans and meetings with Realtors at the last minute, began lying and coming home late. I didn’t see the warning signs but I wish I had. When I took him to the Bahamas for Valentines day, and he bought me a pair of shoes that DIDN’T EVEN FIT(they weren’t even my size), I wish I had gotten out before I had gotten hurt. I am faced with knowing that while I tried to salvage the relationship, he did not. I see the dress in my closet and the flowers (which I refuse to open because I will just cry more) every day. I have tried to get rid of anything he has ever given me or that I owned that was once his, and even went through my computer and phone and camera and erased everything. But it doesn’t stop hurting, and it doesn’t go away. All I want is for him to realize his mistakes and apologize, and yet I’ll never get that.

    I wish the heartache would just go away.

  149. I am new to this so I can relate to feelings that are being shared. I think we can all help each other in th healing process by continuing to share our own experiences. Thank you all.

  150. WOW…..I thought I was the only one that had this problem. As I sat here and read all these, I felt like they were all in my head saying what I,m thinking and how I’m feeling. My girl friend broke up with me a little over 3 years ago. I thank about here every day. I miss her and I truly feel like I’m still in love with her. The crazy thing is that I have been married before and thought I loved the women I was married to.(Devorced now) But I never felt this way about my ex wife as I do for the ex girlfriend of now. I came to this site to seek some advice and help for this that I am going threw. I have been trying to move on and going out on dates, but nothing has helped. Its almost like I’m compairing other women to her. I know I will never find anyone else like her, but I just want to be able to move on. I’m going to try some of the things that I have read on here, but if you have any other advice please feel free to help me.

  151. Dear Morgan,

    I am so sorry to hear what you’ve been through. I was sexually assaulted, and I know how painful it is.

    My advice would be to take your own advice: stop obsessing about your ex-boyfriend and move on with your life! In this case, I think it’s better not to be friends with your ex.

    Who wants a friend who can’t be there for you?

    I wrote this article for you:

    You Were Raped and Your Boyfriend Can’t Cope – What to Do

    I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts.


  152. hi. i dated my boyfriend for a little over 3 years ad half way trough he emotionally cheated on me. but he swore he loved me and hed change, and he did. he became amazing. about a year later, i was raped by one of my best friends and i felt it was my fault so i kept it from him. a few months later i talked to a girl and listening to her talk about her rape i really relates and realized that it wasnt my fault. i told my boyfriend two weeks ago thinking hedunderstand and be there for me. i was wrong. he cohldnt handle it and left my a few nights ago but he wants to remain friends. he clamed he just needed to learn to love himself and hes not looking for another girl but only a fes days later he begins to drink alot and talk to girls including the girls he once cheated on me with. it KILLS that he can walk away so easily and that right away he tries to talk to people he once claimed he hated. it makes me question his respect for himself and his morals. although hes being a jerk and a baby about this, i love him and i can only hope he finds who wants to be, becomes stronger emotionally and then realize what he walked away from…me. i want to tell him how angry i am but i feel like if i make him mad he will stop talking to me. but i half dont want to be his friend so i can move on, but my desire to be with him again makes me want to stay. im torn. please. help.

  153. It has been 13 years since me and my ex girlfriend broke up. TO THIS DAY, EVERYDAY from the time I open my eyes I think of her. I sit here & read all these posts of lost love & think yup that’s me 100%. I think we all relate to one another (male or female). I like you can’t get her out of my freaking head. Ya sure there is times in the day when MAYBE for a few min,hours that I don’t think of her,But she Always finds a way back in. We went out for almost 3 years and I know just like you keep telling YOURSELF move on move move, Well dos it work HELL NO . Sure we can forget about them some maybe longer than others but they keep coming back into our life. I will have her etched into my heart {like a tattoo) for the rest of my days on this earth. And maybe in the next life not have to think about her. BUT I doubt it. as I sit her typing this I can see her face her her voice laughs, see her smile. you get the picture, The people we love the most in life our the ones that leave footprints in out hearts that will never go away. EVER. peace my friends an I wish you the best.Hold strong I try to everyday. with no avail but I keep trying like you do……

  154. My ex broke up with my 3 yrs ago & we were 2gether for 5, & we lived together for the 3 yrs we were broken up. Totaling 8 yrs. My ex has dated about 5 different women since ill break up, just about a few months ago my ex finally said that she has a new girlfriend. A girlfriend who is 21 yrs old & she’s 33. I obsess about my ex & I’m still hurting. I can’t move on. What is wrong with me?

  155. Hi. I happen to visit this site just like many to get over my ex.He was a good friend of mine from class.As we started to hang out together more and more he gradually became my best friend.He was extremely caring and sweet.One day he confessed his feelings towards me and he said he doesn’t have much female friends .but in this case he is sure he loves me and its not any infatuation.I didn’t love him as such but i truly enjoyed being with him.Still ended up spending quality time with him out of which he constantly reminded me that i am actually in love with him but its just that i never admitted it.Gradually i fell for him even though i was a bit freaked out with the fact that my boyfriend kept on saying all relationships comes with emotional baggage and he being a little older than me cant fool around anymore and we should be in a serious relationship and think about the future.It was the first time for me and with every day we became much closer and he made all the grand plans of getting married and having babies.I forgot to mention this .We both are from different backgrounds and from the beginning i was pragmatic and worried about this but he said he is not attached to his family and he doesn’t really care about it as his family itself is multi-cultural.He was very loving boyfriend who at times treated me badly by abandoning a drunk – passed out me on the grounds that i was embarrassing him and insulting me by saying that i don’t write his assignments for him.Still some how things worked out.Alo from the beginning itself he told me that his father is unwell .he had liver cancer and the doctor said he wont live for more than a year.But considering his detached nature to life and family .he said he never felt a thing about it when i tried to console him.The we had a winter break and both of us went home and was in touch every day and every thing went well. But one he said he has to tell me something big and he said its not about break up and its nothing bad.The very next of my returning to campus he said he never realized how much of him was wanted at home as his dad is unwell. i told him he can go home when we graduate and take care of them all. but then he said “if he goes home that means everything is over and he will get married to a girl from his community soon and he cant hurt his parents in the present situation.I felt numb for months but we remained to be friends/people in a relationships and in between he kept on saying he cant let me go and he is afraid of not being able to fall in love with any one else anymore. together with saying he will marry someone else soon and he doesn’t want to hurt his parents. I was so confused and asked him knowing everything going back at home from day 1 we started being friends why did he all this to me.then he said he felt like doing that then and doing this now and he threatened me that if i keep on asking about old promises he will cut all contacts with me.then he went around telling our classmates that”i was his infatuation and not love and i was very dumb to fall in love with him”.I felt devastated and fought with him.then we patched up and reminded his promise to be friends no matter what which both of us said time and again.then we graduated and went home . I tried to call him ones and he refused to answer and it has been two months he never tired to call me.I fell so devastated and depressed. i miss my best friend!I want to move on.

  156. Hi,
    My first love broke up with me 2 years ago and got married to someone else due to family pressure. I perfectly understand that may be he had a strong reason to do so but it still hurts that may be he did not put efforts to make this relationship happen. Whats more worse is that I can’t stop thinking about him and its becoming very painful to handle the situation knowing that he is married and might have kids. I just can’t move on and I am unable to get romantically involved with someone else as I always wanted my ex to be in that place forever.I might sound like a dumb girl but since the day he said he was getting married I went into clinical depression and that affected my studies (I was a very bright student) and now I don’t know how to succeed in anything anymore….my parents are annoyed with me as I am not interested in anything and neither I want to marry someone else and make him suffer. I have just lost interest in life itself 🙁
    Please helppp!!!!!!

  157. Ah, well I guess this advice is pretty good but I doubt it will work for me, I’m just too obsessive…
    Anyway, nice references to Mexico, you must love it there xx

  158. It’s so crazy. My first year of college I met this great guy around december. We talked and hung out all the time it was great. We finally made it official on new years day during my vacation. I had realized that I really wanted to be with him and I didnt want to wait too long before he slipped away. The relationship started ok but then it began to go downhill. We would make plans to go out and later during the day he would stand me up for his friends and not tell me. I would call and not hear from him till late the next day (he even stood me up on what would be my very first valentines day with a date), he would reschedule to make it up to me but then it was the same thing. But we did not break up because of that. I found a pic of a half naked girl in his phone dated in february two months into our relationship. I was heart broken. He lied to me about the picture over and over but i just couldnt take it so we ended it there. He called me none stop for weeks and soon they stopped. I completely cut him off. Now it is a year later and i am currently single things had picked up for me in college i received a new scholarship, I am on the deans list, and i found a new job. But out of no where i find myself stalking his facebook and calling him all the time and when im not i cant get him out my mind Sometimes i cry!!! We made plans to see each other two days before i left for summer break and guess what he stood me up again but still i cant let him go. I NEED HELP!!!

  159. i know that i dont feel nothing for him, but i cant stop thinking about him..its like my mind has nothing better to do or maybe its just that i have gotten so use to thinking about him that it has become an everyday thing ..someone please help me

  160. I broke up with my ex more than two years ago and I find myself obsessing over him almost every hour of every day…The saddest thing is I have a new relationship, which is like a fairytale in comparison with my ex.

    My ex and I onderstood eachother without saying anything, but he wasn’t the best boyfriend, we had a lot of arguements and he belittled me..

    Now I heard he moved on, literally. He is engaged and moved away, but every day there is a chance I bump into him.

    I’m jealous, desperate and realy trying to get him out of my head…If anyone wants to talk about it, please do… email me at Anyone who has experienced it and successfully overcame their feelings or who are stuck in the same situation.

  161. Broken up with my ex now nearly 2 years in august and I can’t get her out of my head!! I think about her all the time and that if we were together again it would be the perfect relationship. She is dating a new girl now and it pains my heart to see them as guest listed at events. I can’t take it anymore and have tried to meet someone else but I compare everyone to her and I have finally admitted to myself Im too obsessed and now uncomfortable with my sexuality that I have no desire to live anymore. I’m so tired and can’t handle falling in love to probably loose it again. She comes into my head first thing before bed and first thing when I wake and a dozen times in between. I don’t want to think about her anymore, or see or hear her name. I need help! I cry so randomly lately and my body tenses up and feel so heart broken in my chest. Is that real love? What is that?? I know dating will get my mind off her and help me move on but can’t seem to meet anyone either and that is stressing me out more. I am attractive girl and never had a problem before but some force don’t want me to move on and meet someone new and right now I need that to overcome my obsession and suicide tendencies

  162. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Alica,

    I was in the same boat with my husband – though he didn’t talk to his ex twice a day!

    I wrote an article for you. I don’t think you’re being jealous, but I put jealousy in the title because that’s how I felt when my husband saw his ex-girlfriend.

    How to Cope With Jealousy When Your Boyfriend Sees His Ex

    I hope the article helps, and welcome your thoughts there or here.


    The bottom line is that I don’t think your boyfriend has moved on with his life if he’s talking to his ex-girlfriend twice a day! I don’t know if he’s obsessed with her, but he needs to focus on YOU. He needs to respect your feelings and thoughts, and put you above his ex-girlfriend.

  163. Wow, thank you all for all of this information and for reminding me that I am NOT alone! My boyfriend and I have been dating/living together for over a year….earlier this year he had lunch with his ex-girlfriend and didn’t tell me about it but I found out anyway. I wanted him to come clean on his own, but he did not and when I finally confronted him about it, we had a huge blowup about it. Things went ’round and ’round and at first I told him I wasn’t comfortable with them seeing each other privately but that wasn’t ok with him, so in the mindset of ‘more flies with honey’ I compromised and we came up with an agreement that as long as he discussed it with me first or told me when they spoke, I would work on getting over my issues with it since it was so important for him that they remain friends. However, it still really bothers me. And, he is STILL keeping contact with her, albeit not as frequent as it once was, BUT I saw on his phone that they spoke twice yesterday and he has yet to disclose this to me personally. I just don’t know what to do…he assures me that he loves me and only wants to be with me and that their relationship romantically will never be again but….then why does he feel he needs to keep her in his life? Why does she not let him move on either? It is starting to really make me crazy and I just need some solid advice…PLEASE?!?!

  164. What if both parties are willing to work things out? Is it worth a try? How do you know when to believe they have changed? Sometimes obsessing about your ex works out for everyone.

  165. Great tips for how to stop obsessing about your ex and get on with your life. But ! I have found though, so many people out there will do whatever it takes to get back with their ex instead of moving on. A huge number of them are successful too. I have personally been in both situations. Sometimes it seems completely impossible to let them go.

  166. Wow. I can realy relate to these stories. I left my ex after 8 years because he is such a cheater and lier. It has been a year and I am still obsessing about him. I spend all day subtracting three hours from my day to figure out what he is doing. (Time Diff.) We finally starting talking about getting back together. He wanted me to show him how much I care so I bought the plane ticket to see him for his birthday. Two days before take off I get the call that we can be friends, he has another boyfriend and I can come and hang out with them. I totally lossed it. My obsession is now so back I can’t function. I am totally flipping out. Every crazy moment minus three. I am starting to wonder if there is a pill to make himm go away.

  167. dear diosa,
    i feel exactly the same but with my ex girlfriend but im a teenager and she was my first love i dont now how to overcome it sometimes i feel good and forget her but when she comes to my head i have this terrible feeling and i make some thoughts that i dont want to make.this also affected my marks on tests.although now its summer and i hope to overcome her cause i cant stand this anymore…anyone wants to advice

  168. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Lynn,

    I wrote this article for you — it goes beyond stopping obsessive thoughts!

    How to Stop Loving a Man Who Lies, Cheats, and Steals

    I hope it helps.


  169. I have known this man for many years. All he does is lie to me and treat me as a booty call. But I love him so much. He is now seeing some new chick. My selfesteem is shot. I hate myself. What can I do to get us back together

    1. Im a guy move on theres millions of men who would love to meet you, im just getting over a women myself. Stop thinking about your ex and be free!

  170. I am going through the exact same thing only I live with this man. I obsess about his infidelities, wonder who is with everyday he is at work. I used to check his cell phone but he got wise to that and deletes his calls.

    I have lost all my self esteem and pride. I am angry at myself for staying with him but at my age it would be more than impossible for me to get a job and support myself. I think I am more angry at me than him because I have allowed him to treat me like a door mat.

    I was never like this before. I always have had high self esteem and would never put up with this treatment. I do not know what is wrong with me and I loathe myself.

  171. hi! my boyfriend went to another country for 8 months to study. I scheduled to visit him 6 months later for xmas. Everything worked well for the first 4 months thanks to video chat and smart phones with internet. Then something happened and he seemed distant. After a few weeks of noticing his behavior I asked him what was wrong and he asked me for a break. I accepted and understood his reasons and canceled my trip. It’s been a month and as you say it’s been ups and downs, good and really bad days. I cannot stop thinking about him, i compulsively check for emails, his network status and pictures. I’m usually a very strong, positive person with a high level of acceptance of how life sets things (that comes from being a cancer survivor). But this breakup has made me a very weak, unmotivated person. Every time I try to think positively and do the things i usually enjoy, or even trying your recommendations i get a strong feeling of sadness and a sense of blockage for happy thoughts, it has affected me not only emotionally but physically, I get anxious and shortness of breath and i feel my heart is coming out of my chest. what is that? how can i stop it? please a little orientation, im usually very patient with all processes but this one is very hard.

  172. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Packing Your Troubles Away Actually Works, Study Finds

    Are you finding it hard to get over a failed love interest? You can’t stop obsessing about your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend?

    A new study from the Rotman School of Management suggests you might want to stick something related to your disappointment in a box or envelope if you want to feel better.

    In four separate experiments researchers found that the physical act of enclosing materials related to an unpleasant experience, such as a written recollection about it, improved people’s negative feelings towards the event and created psychological closure. Enclosing materials unrelated to the experience did not work as well.

    “If you tell people, ‘You’ve got to move on,’ that doesn’t work,” said Dilip Soman, who holds the Corus Chair in Communication Strategy at the Rotman School and is also a professor of marketing, who co-wrote the paper with colleagues Xiuping Li from the National University of Singapore and Liyuan Wei from City University of Hong Kong. “What works is when people enclose materials that are relevant to the negative memories they have. It works because people aren’t trying to explicitly control their emotions.”

    While the market implications might not be immediately obvious, Prof. Soman believes the findings point to new angles on such things as fast pick-up courier services and pre-paid mortgage deals that relieve people’s sense of debt burden. If people realize that the memory of past events or tasks can be distracting, perhaps there is a market for products and services that can enclose or take away memories of that task.

    The paper is to be published in Psychological Science.

    Story Source:
    Adapted from materials provided by University of Toronto, Rotman School of Management.
    .-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post…5 Ways to Make Your Wedding Memorable =-.