How to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships

Insecurity may be caused by your own low self-esteem, or it may be a result of a critical or demanding husband or boyfriend. These tips on how to stop feeling insecure in your relationship will help you dig up the roots of your insecurity – which will help you fix it.

When did you first start feeling insecure in your relationship? If you can identify where and why your insecurities began, it’ll be easier for you to learn how to be more secure. For example, one reader called Kiki said she first started feeling insecure when her husband started developing Facebook friends with his female friends from college. He spent a lot of time online with them, which impacted his relationship with Kiki. Take a close look at your own relationship or marriage…are you feeling insecure because of your boyfriend’s or husband’s actions, or because of your own self-confidence issues?

For the first decade (10 years!) of my marriage, I was the source of my own insecurity. I lived in constant fear of upsetting or irritating my husband. He wasn’t abusive or mean, but I could tell that sometimes I irritated him. This upset me, so I walked on eggshells.

I became the source of all sorts of problems in my relationship – and all because I was too sensitive and insecure to realize that sometimes we irritate the ones we love! This is just part of being married, of living with someone, of relating to a spouse every day for years and decades.

Do you feel insecure because of your own issues, or your partner’s reactions to you? Take time to figure this out.

What to Do When You Feel Insecure in a Relationship

Now, I’m dealing with a different type of insecurity problem in relationships.

How to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships

How to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships

We’ve been married for 11 years so I’m much more comfortable being myself than I was when we were first married! Now, it’s not my self-confidence…it’s my husband’s impending field trip.

My husband is soon leaving for a two week business trip. He’s a geologist, so he leaves fairly regularly. Every time he goes away, I am plagued by insecurities, doubts, and fears. Mostly I worry that I haven’t loved him enough, and that his helicopter might crash and take him straight to the arms of our everlasting Father. Since I’m not ready to lose my husband, I feel insecure in our relationship.

Why do you feel insecure in your relationship?

The first thing to do is figure out if your insecurity stems from you, or from him. Sometimes we’re insecure because of our own issues, and our partners simply magnify that insecurity. That happened to me in my marriage; I felt more insecure after we got married, not less. It wasn’t my relationship or my husband that made me feel insecure. It was me.

You can say it out loud, or write it down. I encourage writing because it gives our brains time to process our feelings and emotions. Giving yourself time to think and feel will help you to identify why you’re feeling insecure in your relationship.

If you feel insecure because you’re not a priority in your relationship, read What to Do When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Time for You.

Go beyond the obvious reasons you feel insecure

My less-obvious reason for feeling insecure in a relationship is my lack of confidence in myself as a wife. I don’t feel like I’m a good enough wife. Rather, I wish I could be more physically affectionate, verbally supportive, and emotionally accepting. What about you – what are your internal reasons for feeling insecure in a relationship?

For example, if your partner cheated on you, then cheating is the obvious reason you feel insecure. But, what are your deeper emotions and feelings of insecurity in relationships? One of the best tips on how to stop feeling insecure in a relationship is to identify the roots of your insecurity. Sometimes it’s internal, sometimes external. They key is to figure out what’s happening in and around you, so you know how to deal with it.

Here’s an interesting thought about men and security: “One of the best things about men is their confidence, their rightness, their ability to go with their gut and produce,” says Rochelle Schieck in Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World. “I rarely overhear men in cafes talking about how differently they could have or should have done something.”

Find your secure, everlasting source of security

Are you looking for security in your relationship or partner? The problem is that relationship security is fickle. Some days (or hours) we feel totally connected to our partners. We’re secure, happy, and content. Other days (or hours), we’re fighting with our partners about toothpaste or infidelity, and our security vanishes. The way to stop feeling insecure in a relationship is to look outside your partner, beyond what he can give you. My husband can’t make me feel secure in our marriage; I need to find security from an everlasting source.

This is the key tip on how to stop feeling insecure in a relationship! When I feel scared, doubtful, or bad about myself for not loving Bruce enough, I turn to God. He is my source of never-ending security, love, freedom, compassion, and strength. I don’t rely on my husband or relationship for security…I am learning how to rely on God.

If you’re staying in an unhealthy relationship, you might find Does He Love You? 7 Signs Your Marriage is Over helpful.

Step into the powerful flow of everlasting security

I’m dealing with what people think of me, my blogs, and my email newsletter. It’s always a struggle for me because I care what people think. My roots of insecurity go deep. They’re mostly dug up, but every once in awhile, a weed pokes through.

Overcoming Relationship Insecurity

Overcoming Insecurity

Here’s what I wrote in my journal this morning. I’m a Christian believer, alive in Christ, so I’m writing to God:

“I must remain in Your flow of life, grace, peace, joy, and freedom! My core must be saturated with You, Your holiness and Holy Spirit and son. When I am in You, when I am a conduit of Your grace love peace freedom and joy, then I am truly me. Authentic. Real. Honest, alive, and pure. Then, I can say ‘Here I am, send me.’ Then, I can speak write act teach and BE without hesitation. This is true holiness, and it is not self-conscious. True holiness is spirit-sensitive, awake, and alert.”

And, true holiness will help me – and you – learn how to overcome insecurity in relationships.

Know that you are deeply loved

Men, women, family, friends – they will all let us down because they’re human. They love us and care for us, but that can’t be our source of power, love, or strength. We need to find freedom and security in something Bigger, Stronger, and Mightier than we are. God!

My prayer is that you and I both learn how to turn to our only powerful, secure, and loving source of security. May God help us to rely on Him for wisdom, courage, strength, and confidence that all our needs are taken care of. Thank You for loving us. Thank you that we don’t need relationships, marriage, partners, jobs, money, family, or anything external to help us feel secure! We only need You, and You are available to boost and energize us anytime we turn to You.

How to Stop Feeling Insecure in a RelationshipIn You Are Loved: Embracing the Everlasting Love God has for You, Sally Clarkson and Angela Perritt say that when a woman feels deeply loved and cherished, her whole outlook on life is infused with energy every day. We’re all born with a desire to be loved…and loved completely for who we are. Unfortunately, many of us seek this complete, everlasting acceptance and personal validation in all the wrong places or with the wrong men.

What I love about this book is that it teaches us that validation, acceptance, and relationship security can’t come from our partners, relationships, or external circumstances (eg, how big our last paycheck was). Security can only come from a higher source of validation, love, and freedom.

What are your thoughts on how to stop feeling insecure in a relationship? You can write them here, but I encourage you to write them in your journal. Developing self-confidence is so important – and it’s a process that takes time and energy. Start right now, by answering my questions about relationship insecurities in your journal.

I can’t offer advice, but you may find it helpful to share how you feel in the comments section below.


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6 thoughts on “How to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships”

  1. i see my self lost because of my insecurity i waant like this before. i just had a fight with my boyfriend yestaday and while thinking i decided to look for him right now, i thought may be i shouldnt text or call him until he look for me. after reading your post i understood why i fill insecure. i dont have a job right now and am 29, i fill like am too late in hving my own family. he isnt that good in communicating and i know that, but i get scared when he dont look for me for a month, i hate calling or texting him countlessly, but am afraid of loosing him now, simetimes i feel like am a desperate girlfriend, and i dont like being that way, i hate ma self when am that way because it make me blame him so much. i dont have any other option than staying low and just look for a job even tho it is difficult because i keep thinking about him.

  2. Thank you for sharing your experience and feelings. It takes alot of courage to express how you feel, and I am grateful you are here.

    Learning how to stop feeling insecure in a relationship is a process that takes time and effort. It’s so important to find your sense of self-worth and self-image OUTSIDE of your love relationship. If you let anything besides God be your source of self-esteem, you will be let down.

    I wrote this article, to give you more tips for building a feeling of security in your self-perception and relationships.

    5 Steps to Overcoming Insecurity in Your Relationships

    Look inwards and upwards. Don’t rely on a man to build your esteem or help you feel good about yourself. Build strength, joy, and peace in your relationship with God. He created you, He loves you, and He is always waiting to fill you with freedom, love, and joy!

  3. I feel so lost within myself. My husband is so confident within himself it makes me feel diffrent. Our relationship started out rocky and has grown, but I feel so scared when he leaves for work that he might confide in other women for “things” that I might not have within myself. We used to talk about everything and now that we are married (2 months) things have become very lonely. He’s a truck driver and his ex, has implanted a lot of horrible things in my head. And they are stuck there and I don’t know how to let it go. Everything she has told me in the past, I always wonder. Is he going to be honest to me? Is he going to get tired of me? Am I good enough? It is very hard.
    My anxiety is so high and my mom tells me to pray about it. Times I fall asleep crying and not knowing why. I just want him to love me for me and forget about what his ex has implanted in my head. – feeling lost here, don’t know how to stop feeling insecure in my relationship.

  4. I’m insecure with my boyfriend because he’s successful and stable unlike me. His friends all graduated and is living the life. As for me, I don’t have enough friends. I only have one bestfriend who sadly is an introvert with a lot of issues. I don’t have parents (mom died, dad has another family) I don’t have any siblings. I’m all alobe basically. The relationship we have is so stressful. He has brought nothing but stress to me, and it pains me even to attempt to leave him. Because I found family in him. It hurts seeing me like this.

  5. My insecurity is that……. My boyfriend is 6times rich than me….. I know that it won’t affect our relationship ….. But I’m afraid .. his so called the rich family…. won’t like a girl like me…….. I want a good understanding between mine and his family…. But I’m afraid…. this money in the future would create a huge problem

  6. evangeline cainglet

    I felt insecure until now when my husband started to save some pictures of his co officemate on his mobile phone.i confronted him and he answered that he felt crush on that girl but he prayed to God to not inlove that a housewife and i feel really insecure when he started do this to me.he promise not to this anymore and he said that he really loves me.but i really hurt untill now.i f felt that i wont trust him anymore.rightnow everytime i think of it i felt weak and insecure.pls help me or give me some advice.thank you so much.