Insecurity may be caused by your own low self-esteem, or it may be a result of a critical or demanding husband or boyfriend. These tips on how to stop feeling insecure in your relationship will help you dig up the roots of your insecurity – which will help you fix it.
When did you first start feeling insecure in your relationship? If you can identify where and why your insecurities began, it’ll be easier for you to learn how to be more secure. For example, one reader called Kiki said she first started feeling insecure when her husband started developing Facebook friends with his female friends from college. He spent a lot of time online with them, which impacted his relationship with Kiki. Take a close look at your own relationship or marriage…are you feeling insecure because of your boyfriend’s or husband’s actions, or because of your own self-confidence issues?
For the first decade (10 years!) of my marriage, I was the source of my own insecurity. I lived in constant fear of upsetting or irritating my husband. He wasn’t abusive or mean, but I could tell that sometimes I irritated him. This upset me, so I walked on eggshells.
I became the source of all sorts of problems in my relationship – and all because I was too sensitive and insecure to realize that sometimes we irritate the ones we love! This is just part of being married, of living with someone, of relating to a spouse every day for years and decades.
Do you feel insecure because of your own issues, or your partner’s reactions to you? Take time to figure this out.
What to Do When You Feel Insecure in a Relationship
Now, I’m dealing with a different type of insecurity problem in relationships.
We’ve been married for 11 years so I’m much more comfortable being myself than I was when we were first married! Now, it’s not my self-confidence…it’s my husband’s impending field trip.
My husband is soon leaving for a two week business trip. He’s a geologist, so he leaves fairly regularly. Every time he goes away, I am plagued by insecurities, doubts, and fears. Mostly I worry that I haven’t loved him enough, and that his helicopter might crash and take him straight to the arms of our everlasting Father. Since I’m not ready to lose my husband, I feel insecure in our relationship.
Why do you feel insecure in your relationship?
The first thing to do is figure out if your insecurity stems from you, or from him. Sometimes we’re insecure because of our own issues, and our partners simply magnify that insecurity. That happened to me in my marriage; I felt more insecure after we got married, not less. It wasn’t my relationship or my husband that made me feel insecure. It was me.
You can say it out loud, or write it down. I encourage writing because it gives our brains time to process our feelings and emotions. Giving yourself time to think and feel will help you to identify why you’re feeling insecure in your relationship.
If you feel insecure because you’re not a priority in your relationship, read What to Do When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Time for You.
Go beyond the obvious reasons you feel insecure
My less-obvious reason for feeling insecure in a relationship is my lack of confidence in myself as a wife. I don’t feel like I’m a good enough wife. Rather, I wish I could be more physically affectionate, verbally supportive, and emotionally accepting. What about you – what are your internal reasons for feeling insecure in a relationship?
For example, if your partner cheated on you, then cheating is the obvious reason you feel insecure. But, what are your deeper emotions and feelings of insecurity in relationships? One of the best tips on how to stop feeling insecure in a relationship is to identify the roots of your insecurity. Sometimes it’s internal, sometimes external. They key is to figure out what’s happening in and around you, so you know how to deal with it.
Here’s an interesting thought about men and security: “One of the best things about men is their confidence, their rightness, their ability to go with their gut and produce,” says Rochelle Schieck in Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World. “I rarely overhear men in cafes talking about how differently they could have or should have done something.”
Find your secure, everlasting source of security
Are you looking for security in your relationship or partner? The problem is that relationship security is fickle. Some days (or hours) we feel totally connected to our partners. We’re secure, happy, and content. Other days (or hours), we’re fighting with our partners about toothpaste or infidelity, and our security vanishes. The way to stop feeling insecure in a relationship is to look outside your partner, beyond what he can give you. My husband can’t make me feel secure in our marriage; I need to find security from an everlasting source.
This is the key tip on how to stop feeling insecure in a relationship! When I feel scared, doubtful, or bad about myself for not loving Bruce enough, I turn to God. He is my source of never-ending security, love, freedom, compassion, and strength. I don’t rely on my husband or relationship for security…I am learning how to rely on God.
If you’re staying in an unhealthy relationship, you might find Does He Love You? 7 Signs Your Marriage is Over helpful.
Step into the powerful flow of everlasting security
I’m dealing with what people think of me, my blogs, and my email newsletter. It’s always a struggle for me because I care what people think. My roots of insecurity go deep. They’re mostly dug up, but every once in awhile, a weed pokes through.
Here’s what I wrote in my journal this morning. I’m a Christian believer, alive in Christ, so I’m writing to God:
“I must remain in Your flow of life, grace, peace, joy, and freedom! My core must be saturated with You, Your holiness and Holy Spirit and son. When I am in You, when I am a conduit of Your grace love peace freedom and joy, then I am truly me. Authentic. Real. Honest, alive, and pure. Then, I can say ‘Here I am, send me.’ Then, I can speak write act teach and BE without hesitation. This is true holiness, and it is not self-conscious. True holiness is spirit-sensitive, awake, and alert.”
And, true holiness will help me – and you – learn how to overcome insecurity in relationships.
Know that you are deeply loved
Men, women, family, friends – they will all let us down because they’re human. They love us and care for us, but that can’t be our source of power, love, or strength. We need to find freedom and security in something Bigger, Stronger, and Mightier than we are. God!
My prayer is that you and I both learn how to turn to our only powerful, secure, and loving source of security. May God help us to rely on Him for wisdom, courage, strength, and confidence that all our needs are taken care of. Thank You for loving us. Thank you that we don’t need relationships, marriage, partners, jobs, money, family, or anything external to help us feel secure! We only need You, and You are available to boost and energize us anytime we turn to You.
In You Are Loved: Embracing the Everlasting Love God has for You, Sally Clarkson and Angela Perritt say that when a woman feels deeply loved and cherished, her whole outlook on life is infused with energy every day. We’re all born with a desire to be loved…and loved completely for who we are. Unfortunately, many of us seek this complete, everlasting acceptance and personal validation in all the wrong places or with the wrong men.
What I love about this book is that it teaches us that validation, acceptance, and relationship security can’t come from our partners, relationships, or external circumstances (eg, how big our last paycheck was). Security can only come from a higher source of validation, love, and freedom.
What are your thoughts on how to stop feeling insecure in a relationship? You can write them here, but I encourage you to write them in your journal. Developing self-confidence is so important – and it’s a process that takes time and energy. Start right now, by answering my questions about relationship insecurities in your journal.
I can’t offer advice, but you may find it helpful to share how you feel in the comments section below.
Your thoughts are welcome below! I don't give advice, but you can get free relationship help from marriage coach Mort Fertel.