You want to be in a good relationship with the right man, yet you keep attracting men who aren’t available. Maybe you even feel like you’re dating the same man over and over! Different name, same problems. Perhaps he’s emotionally unavailable, financially bankrupt, or even married to another woman.
“Why do I keep attracting men who aren’t available?” asked Regina Brett in God Never Blinks: 50 Lessons for Life’s Little Detours. “The universe answered, ‘Because you are afraid of men who are available.’”
In this article, you’ll learn how to stop attracting unavailable men. You already know how to recognize the signs of bad relationships. You know what type of man you want to date. You are a smart, capable woman who has a lot to offer a man who is healthy and available! It’s time to grow into yourself, find the right guy, and start building a relationship that will help you Blossom into the woman God created you to be.
This article is inspired by my lovely She Blossoms readers who keep attracting the same unavailable men over and over. I found a treasure chest of information in Regina Brett’s Lesson 14 in God Never Blinks, and weave quotes from her book with my own thoughts on dating men who are available and healthy.
5 Ways to Stop Attracting Men Who Aren’t Available
First, ask yourself if you’re afraid to date men who are available. This is a perfectly normal, natural fear – especially if you’ve been hurt by past relationships. Maybe you lost your husband and feel guilty or weird about dating again. Maybe you’ve been lied to, stolen from, or even abused by your boyfriend or ex-husband. Maybe you had an abusive or unhealthy father growing up, and you don’t know how to trust men. So you attract guys who aren’t available, or who are the same as what you knew in the past.
The good news about seeing your pattern of attracting unavailable men is that you have the power to change your life! Being aware that you have control over who you attract into your life – and why – gives you the freedom and strength to make significant changes.
1. Stay away from secret relationships
“I picked men who wouldn’t stay,” writes Regina. “Men who weren’t available. Men who were married, engaged, dating others, lived out of state, or were addicted to alcohol or work. Men who would never completely commit. Nice guys who stuck around scared me until I finished years of therapy.”
In Tips for Dealing With Secret Unhealthy Relationships, I describe the importance of avoiding men you can’t introduce your family and friends to. If you’re hiding your relationship, then you’re dating a man who is not available. Unavailable guys include gay men, priests, married men, men involved with other women, geographically distant men (but this can be solved if he’s a keeper!), and men who are afraid to tell others they’re dating you.
If you can’t talk about your relationship openly, you’re dating the wrong guy. Why are you doing this to yourself? Take time to write through your feelings. It’s really important to understand why you keep attracting unavailable men, or you’ll just keep making the same relationship mistakes.
2. Ignore his appearance
You’re offended and angry when men judge women based on their skin color, body size and shape, and hair, aren’t you? It’s foolish and disrespectful to look at someone’s appearance and decide who they are.
One of the best tips on how to stop attracting unavailable men is to look at his qualities on paper instead of his appearance. What does enjoy doing outside work, how connected is he to his family and friends, how does he spend his time, what does he value? Get to know who he is apart from his appearance – and aside from how much you’re attracted to him. Can you be friends with him? Can you go on road trips and spend stressful nights in hospital rooms with him? That’s far more important than his hair color, height, weight, or body shape.
3. Stop waiting around for an available man
A man doesn’t make your life meaningful, deep or fulfilling. Only God can fill you with joy, power and peace that surpasses all understanding. A man is a wonderful, exciting part of life…but so is feeling healthy and fit, having good relationships, exploring the world, and growing into who you were created to be.
Stop wasting your time and energy on men who aren’t available! Especially if you’re dating a married man. You know how destructive and unhealthy it is, how wrong and offensive. You know you’re ripping your soul apart, and you may even hate yourself for it. Stop waiting waiting for things to change. Get out of the endless toxic thought cycle of “why do I always attract unavailable men?”
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4. Tell people that you’re an available healthy woman
“Tell the world what you want in a partner,” writes Regina. “Tell yourself first. Write it down. Get the shallow stuff out – the height, weight, income – release it and let it go. Then sit in the quiet of your soul, go down to the core, and ask ‘What do I really want?’”
Yes, you want to attract a healthy available man…but what does that mean? Even more importantly, how do you become a healthy available woman? You can’t expect to be in a solid relationship with a healthy man if you’re an unhealthy woman. A man can’t make you emotionally, spiritually, physically or socially healthy.
5. Blossom into who God created you to be
“Be you 100 percent,” writes Regina. “One man I dated told me he liked everything about me except he thought I was too spiritual. Is there such a thing? What did he expect me to do, believe more in him and less in God?”
When you’re Blossoming into who you were created to be, you’ll be yourself fully and unapologetically. You’ll be comfortable in your own skin (with occasional bouts of insecurity, self-doubt and fear because that’s the way we are), and you’ll know how to attract men who are available, healthy, supportive and kind.
“I don’t want someone who tolerates me,” writes Regina God Never Blinks: 50 Lessons for Life’s Little Detours. “I want someone who celebrates me.”
This is one of my favorite books; Regina combines personal stories with life lessons to offer support and encouragement. She reflects on everything she had learned through becoming a single parent, looking for love in all the wrong places, working on her relationship with God, battling cancer and making peace with a difficult childhood.
No matter what you’re going through, never forget that God never blinks. You’re safe and loved. Trust Him and keep walking forward in faith. The stronger your personal relationship with Jesus, the quicker and easier you’ll recognize men who are good for you. The Holy Spirit wants to help you make good decisions and have healthy strong relationships! Let Him help you.
How will you stop attracting unavailable men? Your thoughts – big and little – are welcome below! Writing is one of the best ways to discover what you really think and feel. Take time to stop and listen to the still small voice, and you will start healing and moving forward.
I read every comment, but don’t worry: I won’t give advice or tell you what to do. It’s your turn to talk.
Laurie's "She Blossoms" Books
Growing Forward When You Can't Go Back offers hope, encouragement, and strength for women walking through loss. My Blossom Tips are fresh and practical - they stem from my own experiences with a schizophrenic mother, foster homes, a devastating family estrangement, and infertility.
How to Let Go of Someone You Love: Powerful Secrets (and Practical Tips!) for Healing Your Heart is filled with comforting and healthy breakup advice. The Blossom Tips will help you loosen unhealthy attachments to the past, seal your heart with peace, and move forward with joy.
When You Miss Him Like Crazy: 25 Lessons to Move You From Broken to Blossoming After a Breakup will help you refocus your life, re-create yourself, and start living fully again! Your spirit will rise and you'll blossom into who you were created to be.