How to Leave Your Husband When You Have No Money


How do you leave an unhappy marriage or bad relationship when you have no money? These tips and resources will help you get money to leave your husband. I felt inspired to write this article by a reader who feels trapped in her marriage…

“I want to leave my husband but I have no money,” says Christine on Emotional Disconnection – When You Feel Alone in Your Marriage “I have two kids, I’m pregnant with my third, and I just don’t know where to go. I have no family who can help, they live in a different state. I have nowhere to go. I lost my job, and I am trying to finish school. I don’t have money to leave. I don’t know what to do. I am so hurt, scared, sad, angry and just alone now. I have three beautiful kids with him and I hate to think how much this will hurt them. I can’t believe I was a fool and let him do this to me time after time. Can you tell me how to leave your husband when you have no money to support yourself?”

I wish I had the perfect solution and the right things to say to you. You may feel lonely, lost, and trapped in your marriage – and you have no idea how to leave your husband when you have no money. But I don’t have magic tips or easy answers.





Read through my tips, and scroll through the readers’ comments. Some women are brainstorming tips on how to find your dream job, while others are sharing money-saving secrets for women who have little or no income. As you can see from their comments below, there are no easy answers!

Even so, one of the first things you need to do when you who have no money to leave your husband is to start finding little ways to take control of your life. Maybe this means finding ways to earn a little bit of spending money, even by babysitting, cleaning houses, or becoming a virtual assistant. You need to inventory your skills and abilities, and find ways to optimize them. You’ll never have enough money to leave your husband unless you start taking action. You’ll feel scared and anxious – we all do when we’re making big life moves – but now is the time for you to learn as much as you can about money and your financial future.

One of the most important things to deal with right away is how you feel. If you feel powerless and helpless, you won’t have energy or confidence to work towards getting money to leave your husband. Start doing things that help you feel powerful, strong, and confident.

How to Leave Your Husband When You Have No Money

These tips are all about taking action. If you really want to change your life and leave a guy who doesn’t love or honor you, you need to start moving forward. You can’t get financial support unless you start reaching out for it. Once you start reaching out with a positive mindset, you’ll be shocked at how easily money will come to you.

Here’s what one reader told me she’s doing to earn money to leave her marriage:

How to Leave Your Husband When You Have No Money

How to Leave Your Husband When You Have No Money

  1. Collecting cans and turning them in for cash
  2. Asking my neighbors if they have any odd paying jobs I can do, such as washing windows, weeding gardens, etc.
  3. Taking online surveys to make a few extra bucks a day (about $3, not a huge amount but it helps build my stash)
  4. Every few times I go to the grocery store or Walmart etc, I buy a $5 gift card. Even if can only do $.50 etc do it!
  5. Selling household items on ebay. May only profit $.75 but again, all small steps leads to bigger rewards. kids your kids outgrown clothes etc. You would be amazed at what sells!
  6. Using coupons to get free and store the TP, toothpaste etc in a box or at a friends. Again, little things add up. I have a box of Shampoo, toothpaste, soap, TP, etc ready to go. This will help me when I am starting out and not having to buy and spend what little money I have

Every journey starts with a few small steps – and sometimes the best step is visualizing what you’ll say when you finally do have money to leave your husband. Start dreaming about your life, planning your future, and thinking about all the possibilities.

1. Remember that help is out there – but you have to ask for it

Many financially dependent wives say they have no help, nobody to support them, nobody to go stay with. They may feel that way, but it’s not the truth. How do I know? Because if my neighbor came over and said she has no money to leave her husband and asked me for help, I’d do something. I may not give her money, but I’d help her and her kids in some way.

If you have nowhere to go, read What to Expect at a Women’s Shelter or Safe House.

I also know that wives who feel alone aren’t really alone because my mom was a single parent. She was also schizophrenic, and we moved to new city every six months or so. She had no friends, no money, and a severe mental illness…and yet she managed to find money help! How did she find it? She went to Social Services, to churches, and to my grandma for help. Don’t think of yourself as “trapped” – though I know that if you’re looking for ways to get money to leave your husband, that’s exactly how you feel. Focus on the fact that you WILL get money to leave your husband. It’s just a matter of time and planning. And taking action.

2. Create a plan to leave your marriage – it’ll make asking for financial help easier

Sit down, give the “poor me I have no money to leave my husband” a rest, and put your brains to work. How much money does it cost to feed and educate your kids? Forget about the frills – kids don’t need iPhones, laptops, or video games. Can you stay with family while you save money for your own place? How will you support yourself?

If you have specific plans to leave, you may find it easier to ask for financial help. If you’re asking family for money help, read about loans between family members.

3. Learn what types of financial support you’re eligible for

Talk to Social Services about financial resources for single parents. Start by calling the office closest to you. If they can’t offer money or other help, ask them for three other numbers to call. Call your church, and talk to your pastor. Don’t just ask for financial and spiritual support; ask for practical resources that can help you leave. Ask to be connected with other women who were financially dependent, who rebuilt their lives.

Every three months, canvassers from the Single Parents Food Bank come to our door, asking for donations. My husband gives money every single time because he knows single parents need money help because raising kids is expensive. But it’s not impossible, my friend.


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4. Talk to a lawyer – and learn about alimony

 

Here’s a solid piece of advice for leaving your husband when you have no money:

“The demise of a marriage is never a happy event, but sacrificing your sanity to a narcissist is not a healthy option,” writes Hara Estroff Marano in Letting Go of a Narcissist (Psychology Today magazine, July/Aug 2016). ” Your husband isn’t looking out for you or your relationship, and such active disregard can go a long way to making you vulnerable to depression and despair. It is especially important now to pay attention to your own needs and take action on your own behalf.”

Dr Marano advises women who don’t have money to leave their husbands to prepare and plan in advance. Don’t move out of the house without consulting a lawyer first – unless you are in physical danger. Talking to a lawyer or family mediator doesn’t necessarily mean hiring a divorce attorney long-term, just seeing one for advice. This will save you money in the long run.

“Alternatively,” she adds, “it may be possible for you to get help through the civil or family law clinic of a nearby law school. You may very well be entitled to alimony, at least until you are financially self-supporting. Also, make note of your husband’s private accounts; all assets acquired during the marriage must usually be divided equally. And do make a record of all instances of abuse.

You won’t lose everything when you leave your husband, though it may feel that way. Remind yourself what you are walking away with: your life, your health, your future. You may not have money, but you’re getting from a bad marriage and a steady stream of fear and disappointment.

It’s time to take care of yourself.

5. Learn how to think strategically, not emotionally

how to leave your husband no moneyIn A Woman’s Guide To Financial Security After Divorce: The Basics: Creating A Solid Foundation (Think Financially, Not Emotionally®), Jeffrey Landers describes the critical first steps you need to take after your divorce to establish long-term financial stability. It’s extremely important for you to learn how to support your goals and vision with a sustainable spending plan that ensures your long-term financial security.

When you’re searching for tips on how to leave your husband when you have no money, you need to know the pros and cons of keeping your marital home and how to determine if selling makes better financial sense. You can’t rely on your emotions when you’re planning your future; you need to learn about reverse mortgages and why this unique tool might be a wise choice for you.

Yes, you need money right now. But you also need to start thinking about smart ways to use your retirement and investment accounts – and other sources of income – to add to your cash-flow and extend your financial longevity. You have to learn which assets are most favorable and what strategies are best for managing (and ultimately paying off) liabilities. This is part of taking action, and it will help you feel more in control of your life.

6. Open your own savings or checking account

Many financially dependent women don’t have their own checking or savings accounts. No problem! Even if you only have $10 to your name, you need to get to the bank and start your journey to financial dependence…and perhaps even wealth! And yes, single income families often live close to the poverty line. I grew up poorer than dirt – we even slept outside a few times. But I grew up to be a strong, vibrant, smart, educated, motivated, happy, Christian woman. I learned resilience and strength from my single parent childhood – and I respect my mom, who had no money and nowhere to go, but she left her husband.

Do you have a checking or savings account? Go to your nearest bank – or do some online research about financial institutions – and find out what you need to open your own account.

7. Stay focused on your future

It’s easy to get overwhelmed, anxious, scared, and depressed about the journey you’re about to go on. Don’t let negativity or fear stop you from leaving your husband! Stay focused on what you will achieve in your life, and how much better it will be for your kids and yourself. Write down your goals for a year from now: how much money do you want to be making? What friends do you want to spend time with? How do you want to spend your days? Remember that it takes time to save enough money to leave your husband.

Start a journal, and write down all your hopes, dreams, and plans. Don’t let your current situation stop you from dreaming. Your thoughts really do determine your future – and it is now time to starting Blossoming into the woman you were created to be.

8. Get strength from women who felt financially trapped, but left their husbands

“I was in that situation for 23 years,” says Sheila in response to How to Know if Divorce is the Best Option.

leaving your husband with no money

leaving your husband with no money

“I finally opened up my own checking account, started saving a bit at a time, and made plans. When I finally made up my mind to leave, it took less than a month to finalize the plans. I gave myself a deadline and stuck to it. When you stay in a marriage like that, you enable every negative behavior your husband possesses. You become the martyr.”

It wasn’t until she made up her mind that her plans started taking shape. She stopped wondering how to leave her husband without money, and started actually making plans to end her marriage.

One final tip for women who need help leaving their husbands when they have no money…

Ask yourself, “Am I better off with or without him?” I suspect you know deep down that you’d be better off without your husband, but you can’t leave him because you feel stuck and helpless. My heart goes out to you, and I wish I could sprinkle magic dust on your problems and make them all go away!

But I can’t. All I can do is encourage you to stay hopeful and courageous, and to find strength in blogs like this and in-person support groups. Surround yourself with women who want to help you grow and move forward in your life…and don’t give up on your dreams.

How will you leave your husband when you have no money? Start thinking about the story you will tell your daughter after you’ve rebuilt your life! I welcome your comments below, but I can’t give advice. But, you may find that sharing your experience brings clarity and insight.



SheBlossoms newsletter

xo


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325 thoughts on “How to Leave Your Husband When You Have No Money

  • Laurie Post author

    Anonymous,

    I’m sorry you’re going through such a terrible time with your husband. It sounds like it’s been so difficult for you, for such a long time. It also sounds like you’re waiting for God to show you the way. What do you mean by that – are you looking for a sign, or a miracle?

    What are you willing to do to change your life? I think you have more power, more strength, and more wisdom than you realize! I also think there’s more help out there than you know about. Reach out, reach up, reach sideways. You’ll find the help you need, the resources that will support you and get you to a new stage of life.

    I am sorry that life is so hard for you right now. My heart goes out to you, and I wish you weren’t going through this. But, my friend, there has to come a time when you take your life into your own hands and start making decisions that feed your soul and brighten your life.

    What do you think?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Laurie Post author

    Malia – Thank you for being here, and sharing your encouraging thoughts on leaving your husband when you have no money. You are starting over at 62 years old, and that is just amazing. I’m so proud of you, and I will keep you in my prayers!

    I love that you said this: “God WILL bless the work of my hands, as it says in Scripture, but if my hands refuse to do anything but wish for a million dollars, the Lord will not bless that.”

    You are inspiring and hard-working, and I know God will bless that. Have you signed up for my Blossom Tips newsletter? I really hope you — and everyone reading this — sign up today. I’d love to keep in touch, and help you Blossom into who God created you to be!

    Here’s the sign-up link:
    http://eepurl.com/ca2mJr

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Anonymous

    I am 62 years old and I have been married to a narcissist verbally abusive man for 23 years. He is very controlling, pays no attention to me at all. He will not even look at me when Intalk to him. He makes me feel
    Like the most unattractive woman on the face of the earth. I have been irresponsible with money over the years as a way of giving myself temporary pleasure in this hellish environment. When the money ran out I started eating and now I am also fat. Fat and broke! I do not have a clue where to go, I have no money and no family to help me. I have thoughts of suicide often to escape this life and avoid being a burden on my son who is 36 and has MS. He is married with 2 kids so he doesn’t need me to burden him. I am so depressed and so unhappy. This man has taken my best years from me. He is also an alcoholic. He never drank before we got married and now it is almost daily. He gets very mean when he is drinking. I don’t know how
    much more of this I can take! I pray every day that God will show me the way. At 62 and with major back problems, I don’t have people clammoring to give me a job. I feel so hopeless.

  • Gail

    I feel so damaged and depleted and sick to my stomach every day. I have been married for 4 years and have been put through more abuse from a tremendously callous and narcissistic man that has zero empathy for not just me but anyone that crosses his path. I have a business that is also tied into his, without his referrals to my business i will probably sink. He drew up a prenup from hell that i gladly signed thinking that if i showed him that his house and his money was of no interest to me that when we married he might soften up and start treating me like the woman he said he loves. Not the case, the marriage has been verbally and emotionally abusive since day 1 and he has isolated me from all friends, bad mouthing anyone and everyone that i am friends with and that make me happy, one of his best tricks. He accuses me of sleeping with anyone that is male, he threatens to make my life miserable if and when i divorce him and he threatens to destroy my business as he has done to others that have crossed him in some way. I have sunk about $100,000 into “his” house and just read in my prenup that i am not entitled to any of that because of some complicated paragraph in the prenup that says what ever is put into the house in the marriage is not “community property”. I am terrified to leave even though I have saved enough money to survive a few months on my own. I have no family support as they told me not to marry him to begin with and my mom just had a stroke which she thinks might have been caused over all of the drama in my marriage. He has also threatened me with a very nasty and expensive divorce which i do not have money to hire a lawyer if i am to avoid living in a homeless shelter. I have 2 small dogs that are the only comfort i have and a shelter is not an option. I feel so trapped and alone and helpless emotionally! I know that this might all sound pathetic, why not just move out today!?? I ask myself this everyday! I think this abusive man has depleted all levels of self esteem in my already bankrupt concept of Self!

  • Christine

    Iam currently stuck in a marriage with a man who has temper problems, breaks things from time to time says hurtful things to me example:getting fat should start exercising, stupid,bitch,I spend all the money (witch is crazy) iam useless. When he gets into these fits my two daughters are scared and he will even go as far as telling them it’s mommies fault ,she’s the reason all this is happening. I hate him so much and I know me and my daughters would be way better off without all this hurtfullness hes addicted to pills and drinks and smokes pot ,he’s a bad influence in our lives but Iam so scared to leave what he might do ,how I would make it

  • Jennifer

    33 years I’ve been married. I thought about leaving in 2009. We moved to an isolated rural area with the crash of 2008-9. For a new job he got. I haven’t worked since. I’ve been plagued by depression and illnesses. I do not love him. I feel very isolated and alone w/o friends. I feel stuck.
    Your article helped me sort out the confusion and put things ina step by step practical order.
    I will start this today.
    Much love and respect for your iron will. I will reread this many times I am sure.
    Sincerely,
    Jenn

  • Malia

    At 62 years old, I have made the decision to start planning on leaving. I love writing and I’m a good writer. I began a book several years ago but have only written maybe 20 pages. Tonight I have made my decision I will spend time every single day writing and finishing that book. When my book is finished I will self-publish through Kindle and Amazon. I made the Lord a promise that I will work on that book every single day, stop being a shopping addict and put what money I can away into a safe hiding spot. My way of dealing with this sociopath-relationship was to over-eat and spend money until there’s no money left in the account. I was previously married for many years and divorced in 1997. He passed away in 2003. Last year I found out I was eligible for widow’s benefits. My son, who is 39 years old is also eligible for survivors benefits because he is disabled. I receive $662 a month and he receives 311.00. It is possible that there are women out there who don’t know this and can be eligible for this kind of money…you have to check with Social Security. You know, God will honor faith and I know it’s so terribly difficult to have faith in anything when you’re facing a future that seems to be absolutely hopeless and helpless. I could beat myself up because I could have saved so much money all these 20 years living with this maniac, by paying myself an allowance every week from his account, that he gives me access to, to do the shopping and such, by saving whatever it was I took out for myself. But I spent it all instead and now I have absolutely nothing…no money to get out on my own. I have done everything my way all these years and I have nothing to show for it. Now it’s time to do things God’s way because He wants better for me than I wanted for myself. I have read many of these comments and my heart has gone out to them and all I could do was pray for them. But I will tell you again that God highly honors faith in his son Jesus Christ. Even if you have absolutely nothing but a prayer in your pocket, then take that prayer every day and pour your heart out to God and tell Him exactly what is going on with you and the help that you need. This will be your very first step with going forward and trusting that He will show you, as days go by, what you can do and how you can do it. Maybe the Lord will cross your path with someone who can help you or lead you to information that will give you help and hope. Maybe you are eligible for Widow’s benefits or your child, for the Survivors benefits. It is a start. If you are not eligible and you have nothing else to hold onto, you can hold on to Him. I have decided that I will no longer depend on this relationship for my happiness (it’s actually been a nightmare) but I will depend on the Lord for my health, my happiness, and my future. For the past week I have made a decision that I am going to get out of here on my own and be independent again. Since then, the Lord has been urging me every day about writing this book and finishing it. I am trusting that He will multiply my profits and bless me and who knows, this could easily be a start of other things He opens up for me as I trust Him every day and move forward. So many years have gone by and I always had this dream that God would miraculously dump this huge amount of money somehow into my lap that I could live on for the rest of my life so I could get away from this man. After listening to Andrew Wommack’s message called “Living in God’s Best” I realized why that is not gonna happen for me. God WILL bless the work of my hands, as it says in Scripture, but if my hands refuse to do anything but wish for a million dollars, the Lord will not bless that. Even if all I can do is begin to write every day, He will bless “the work of my hands” and through that, one day I will be able to walk out of here and support myself. For others, if all they can do right now is put those hands together and pray…as long as their heart goes out to God in faith asking Him for help and trusting that He will do that, He will bless those hands full of tears, and that is a start.

  • Trisha

    I am glad I am not the only one. I have been married over 12 years and have lived with physical,emotional, and psychological abuse. Luckily no kids. My husband always made more money and had more money than me . We keep our accounts separate. I pay all my own bills etc. I don’t make alot but enough to get by. Certainly not enough to go get a place. My parents can’t help. I have seen two attorneys so far.Getting ready to schedule a 3rd meeting with one.My husband has bipolar narcissistic etc issues. You never know what you are coming home to. It is too expensive to live around here. Who has $2500-$5000 laying a round to hire these attorneys to start??It is a joke. I have thought about just ending my life because the whole situation makes me sick.Hubby is seeing a gold digging homewrecker and he spends his free time with her.Women are just screwed in todays world.I have too much debt to just “leave” plus I would be living on the streets.I keep praying that God will make a way but I am not seeing it. Its sad when you never ask family for help or money ever but the one time you do no one can help you 🙁 Glad I am not the only one

    • Memory

      Hey Trisha, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I am going through my own issues as well. I would love to talk to you some more, if you do not mind .

    • Jane Vargas

      I would love to talk you in regards to your story my name is Jane I am struggling in a marriage I can get out of I read your story and my heart started beating way to fast please if you could respond to me
      Thank you kindly
      Jane

  • Anonymous

    I have been married for 10 yrs, we have 3 children. My husband has always been the “bread winner” in the relationship. He mainly works out of town every other day so I was always left being the primary caregiver, which I’ve enjoyed watching my children grow and learn. However due to the sparatic schedule he had I have been unable to find work with being unemployed so long. He within the past two yrs has gone from loving father to crazy cussing and verbal/emotionally abusive to not only but the kids. I’m at my wits end with it, previously suggested coming keeping which he shot down, so now here I am trying to make a plan to leave and how to go about getting a job to help save up. Wish they had an employment agency geared to helping women get on their feet again would definitely be helpful for times like these.

  • Emily

    I am so happy that I found this page. I am married for 36 years to a man who is 16 years older then I am. Last year I actually saved his life. He had a Triple A and an infection called Colangitus. The morning I took him to the emergency room, they told me he was not going to make it. Well, he did make it. I left my job to take care of him after he got out of the hospital and since then its been downhill for him and I. We have not had sex in a year, and he is VERY nasty. He has never been this way. All we do is spar with one another. When I tried to talk to him about it, he told me if I am not happy I should do something about it. I have been in my room for the past 2 months, I hardly eat cause my stomach is always in knots and if I eat I feel very naucious. When I tell him its time for me to get a job he tells me I dont need one cause I have him. But really I know I have nothing. My kids are grown and I have been looking for work but I cannot fond a job suitable for me to go out on my own. All I do is sit here and cry, apply for jobs and hear nothing back from them. I feel like the biggest waste of life these days. And I know my sad attitude probably refects in my face and my voice. I used to be happy and try to find that part of me again, but I cannot. Im really scared about my future. I have no family left, well cousins and stuff but I am not close with them. And due to my always being sad, I lost all of my friends. I honestly feel like I have nothing left. The things that my husband and I had in common are gone. So what do I have left with him ? Nothing. Do you know what I can do to get happy again so that I can move on and better my life? I sure hope you can help cause I am now at rock bottom.

      • Al

        I feel like this is well I have no money of my own my husband and I do not own our own home and he keeps saying that I’m a martyr I cry and I cry every single day I’m 55 years old without a college degree. My husband doesn’t even have a savings and he just keeps yelling at me get out just get the F out if you don’t like it here. We have lived very Separate Lives and everytime I tell him I’m sad and cry he makes fun of me laughs and calls me a big whiner and reminds me of every fault that I have constantly. I am hurt I am scared. I still have a 13 year old son who is very affected by all this. I’m scared to death as I have no skills current skills to have to look for a job. My parents keep telling me to stay just stay that’s all that you can do but I can only do so much with the abuse and telling me that I’m a worthless piece of crap. I honestly don’t know where to go or where to even start. I can’t afford an apartment of my own unless I get a job my husband does have a job but we’re in great debt. I’ve lived like this for many many years we’ve been together for 25 years and I have not had a job since my oldest daughter was born who is 19 years old so all the current skills that are needed out there in the job market I don’t have. I’ve applied online many times and heard nothing back. I do have to get out I can’t take it anymore. I will need to get my husband to get to agree to at least pay for a little apartment and then get down on my knees and pray cuz I’m a great believer. I’m sitting here right now was crying and crying and now I right before I started writing this down got down on my knees and prayed and I know I have to leave the situation I can’t go on like this any longer and it’s not healthy for my son. Does anybody have any advice of where to go and ask for help I suppose I can start with my church. And like one lady said I wish there was an agency or somewhere to go that will help Empower women in our situation because we do have so much to give, we’re just so insecure and browbeaten that we need to find our strength in the Lord. I live in a little bedroom upstairs in the house that we don’t even own just rent. I have forgotten the woman that I once was, a confident one. All we do now is fight all the time and I have no more fight in me . I pray that the Lord will tell me what my gifts are and I can utilize that and honor him somehow while making money of my own. I just need to get out with my son. I’m so glad I found this site I thought I was alone and all in all this and I wish we could just all get together and Empower one another and help one another. I would appreciate any advice that that have worked for anyone of you on this site. So glad I did find this site it gives me hope.

  • Laurie Post author

    If you had enough money to leave your husband, what would your plan be? Where would you go, what would you do, and how would you get there?

    • Kat

      If I had enough money to leave I would move to my friend’s place in AZ. Her and her spouse just separated and we’ve already discussed it. However, I feel guilty because most the utilities are in my name and my husband is on disability and unable to afford to connect them in his name. I have a car I could drive, but it is being financed in both names, me listed as primary. I have a newly acquired job that allows me to work at home from anywhere. My problem is guilt and worry about him wrecking my credit. The trailer we rent is in my fathers name, so it would also cause the family issues. I just feel overwhelmed.

      • Jennifer

        Kat, I’m sorry. I first felt confused as well.
        Get his name off your credit cards. Cancel them. Tell him they were stolen. Do not get any new ones yet.
        Open a separate savings account in your name only. Use a friends address for billing ( let the friend know what you are doing first) put 20 bucks in it. Keep adding to it every week. Just having this account will make you feel better, more powerful and clearer in your quest. Buy a burner phone and keep it charged in a safe place.
        It is starting that counts.

      • Rosa Rosa

        Kat: Does your husband treat you well? You did not state if you just wanted to divorce or if you were in a very bad situation. If you have tried to work things out with your husband and have not been successful, then that is another story. Sometimes people are just not suppose to live in the same household together. It’s hard to offer advice because I don’t have all the details. But first you should take very good care of yourself, and focus on maintaining your financial security, good mental and physical health. Confirm with your friend in AZ that you would like to consider her offer, but be certain about your plans. If your husband has family or friends, chances are they will be able to help him out. if you are in any kind of situation where your are concerned about your safety or having to tolerate verbal abuse, you should not hesitate to set a plan in action.

  • ann

    i have endured abuse from husband for years, rape, physical open violence, financial, emotionally, he trapped me with kids and i have bearing the shame of his rape unreported cus i was protecting the child caused by the rape. in turn i feel ashamed and resentful for not speaking up. i have no choice no matter what i do or say everyone gets hurt. he even strangled me and dislocated my jaw to shut me up from screaming during one of his beatings.life sucks i have no one. i grew up n foster care. he breaks promises humiliates me breaks my property.lies to others about me. i feel afraid isolated unloved trapped. this is unfair and inhumane. his brother n him both tryed to assault me, terrorized me against my will. unreported i am ashamed to bear these burdens.. i only hoped to protect the kids. but at what cost? truly. i am lost depressed no self esteem unheard cries. broken promises. self loathing.

  • Brittney

    I need help, he’s not my husband but boyfriend of 5year with two children.
    I’m mentally abused.
    I’m told if I leave him I’ll need to make money cuz I don’t have a good job history and I’m having a hard time finding work that goes with my older sons school and my one year old isn’t in day care yet.
    How does someone like me leave peacefully with out losing everything. Everything we have is ours.. but he claims I leave it all will be his… I’m very lost but baby number 3 is on the way and I need out.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Bonnie,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing the struggle you feel about leaving your husband. You’ve been through so much! It’s not just about finding money to leave him…it’s the whole emotional separation that is difficult and heart wrenching. And, your children not wanting to have anything to do with you…it’s overwhelming and sad.

    How are you doing these days? Have you come across any ideas about what to do first? I welcome your update, and would love to hear what you’re doing in your life.

    – Laurie

    • Bonnie

      Thank You Laurie,
      I am just taking one day at a time. He has already moved out of state.I have started a new job as of 7/24. I have been reading some comments about saving a couple dollars here and there, which I want to start. I just need to decide where I want to live. I do not want to leave the location that I am at right now.. Right now the house is in both names and I am living there and my husband is still paying the mortgage. He knows that if he stops it would put in a very bad place.
      I know I have to decide, but I go from feeling abandoned and lonely, to trying to deal with the situation.
      One day I am strong and say to myself “I need to stay because of insurance and then the next day I think that I would be better off on my own.
      I am hoping that within 60 days I will be off of probation at work and it is a union, so that is in my favor. The only thing now is dealing with standing 7 hrs a day. That’s the hardest thing right now.Since he left last year I have lost 81 pounds which is a good thing.
      I am physically and mentally tired from working. I have been working again since 2016 but it was a desk job and I didn’t have to be on my feet and legs.
      I am hoping I can get through the winter before he forces me to sell my home. But I do feel it is for the best. But what bothers me the most is I have to give in to him AGAIN.
      This relationship has been so full of disappointments and heart aches that I just want to get it over with. For a couple years I just felt like I wanted to die and get it over with. He’s 4 years younger than I am and just doesn’t either care, and/or want to see my side of things. It’s all about him and it has really always been that way. He thinks that my depression can just go away and I have explained time and time again that it is a disease that I cannot control.
      I am also ADHD and that in itself is a struggle for me. I would have thought that he would understand since he has the same conditions that I have. I just chose to take meds where he refuses because he says he doesn’t like the way it makes him feel. I have talked to him till I am blue in the face. I’m done. I have to find some kind of happiness. I think that since I am 61 that realistically feel that I only have 8 or 9 years of youth left.
      But will keep plugging away and hope that between November and April of 2018 that I can get everything figured out. I just have to save some money.
      Thanks for reaching out and will keep everyone updated. 🙂

  • Alicia Stanley

    I am in a really lonely place. I have absolutely nobody to help…no family or friends…but I have decided that it is time to go. I have been with my hubby for 18 years and I have gone from a single mom who worked 3 jobs, plenty of friends and a positive outlook on life….to a lifeless drone who has no friends other than on FB (and hear about those ). My hubby is in jail at the moment and my child and I are struggling to survive….i have inlaws who have helped with rent….but now my father in law has started calling me out of the blue hitting on me …its disgusting and has happened years ago and when I told on him…I was called a liar, druggie,crazy…but this time I have recorded a lot of the gross convos!! All I hear is how we might lose our house (rental) and they even talk about me in front of my son(13) and have him terrified of losing our home….there’s a lot more I could write but I really just want to know how to leave him…i wont have a car or anything and there ate no shelters here at all.

    • Leslie Nope

      Hey Alicia, I’m really sad to hear about your situation. I’m dealing with a similar one, although without the crazy in-laws. I just wanted to comment and tell you about a few things that I’ve learned about:
      -Depending on the size of the city you’re in usually your township can offer some kind of assistance or at least direction to what programs are available in your area.
      -A lot of shelters (especially ones for battered women) will allow women to come in from other cities, or even other states. I would have a hard time believing there’s not a shelter in your entire state. A bus ticket wouldn’t be too expensive and would at least get you there.
      Again, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, and I pray you can find strength and courage, we both need it. *hugs*
      Also, as an afterthought, I guess this would only really be helpful if you live in the US. I have no idea about other countries.

  • Cills

    About to have a Rant!! It really annoys me how women (sometimes men) and children are not protected in these circumstances. When a couple chooses to have children together, it is a joint venture and lasts until those children are old enough to fend for themselves…no matter what happens in the relationship. The fact is, usually there is a primary caregiver while the other parent works… (not that i agree with this either but thats another rant). Why is there no protection in place for the primary caregiver!!!!! Are we not worth anything in monetary terms?? How is it fair that a man (or women), whos been able and free to work on their career (at the expense of the primary caregiver) comes out better off at the end of a relationship (financially speaking). Is it not fair that the parent whos career has been able to advance, pay maintenance to the parent who had to sacrafice theirs for THEIR children?? at least for the same period of time that the parent was unable to work full time. In my case i had two boys 5 years apart, meaning i have had a preschooler for 8 years of my life and have had to put my career on hold because of it. I come out of a marriage with less then half the pay packet of my then spouse as a result….yet i am still the primary caregiver, meaning the children’s quality of life also goes down. Yet the other parent gets to swan off into the sunset with all their free time and good paying jobs to form another relationship….i see it happen all the time and there is nothing in place to protect the primary caregiver….i mean someones got to do it !!!!. Gets me so annoyed. We should be paid a percentage of their earnings for the period of time our careers have been compromised due to children….i would think that’s fair.

    • Cills

      so i guess what i’m trying to say is how sad it is when i hear of mothers especially in situations where they feel they can’t leave a long term relationship because of money….i know my rant doesn’t apply to everyone on here…..but the way i see it is if you’ve been in a long term relationship with someone there shouldn’t be any mine and his….you should have access to “his” money as its also yours….sad that so much abuse goes on in relationships around money….and it is abuse.

  • Bonnie L

    I am 61. Major depression and everything that goes along with the disease. Been married 28 years and I can’t remember being happy. When I was single I raised my son, had a job, an apartment. my own car. Money was tight but I survived,
    My husband is one of 12 children, they grew up very isolated and they were never to have friends over to visit. After I married things just went down hill from there. I have 3 adult children, with 2 of the children by him.
    He couldn’t and can’t make a decision if his life depended on it. When I make a decision and it doesn’t work out he a pain in the “ass’.
    I left my family and moved to where his family lived. Which was a 3 day drive across the country. I lived there for 19 years and all the places I lived were rat holes.
    After my third child was born I got pregnant again with my 4th child and I miscarried.
    That’s when I had to start making meds.
    I have been on 7 medications just to get thru the day. I realized that I was taking medications just to get through the day to numb my feelings.
    My husband was transferred with his job. He promised me that when we moved we could have our own house.
    When I moved the state said that I was taking to much on a couple of my medications and I fell apart.
    I found a house which was a new build for a really great deal. I showed my husband and family and he signed the papers along with me. We moved into the house 5 years ago and I have been through hell and back.
    He refused to help me pick things out, the brick, wall colors and when I picked the items out he always said that he hated my choices. After the third change I told him to stuff it.
    The day we moved into the house I was so sick that the hospital said I wasn’t to do anything.
    Then he’s said that the house is mine and he hates living here. We had only been in the home a month when he told me he wanted to move back to where we moved from. I told him that he was free to move but I was not going back to a place I hated and to a place where his family treated my like crap. My depression was so bad that I couldn’t function day to day. He’s never taken up for me and has always made he feel like crap. My youngest is a girl and she lives with us. She treats me like garbage and he never tells her not to talk back to me and takes her side. Dosn’t make her pay rent. Lives with us free.
    I left 3 years ago for 3 months and went through drug rehab just to get off some of the medications. He refused to help me and I had to move back.
    He finally did move out a year ago and he said that I didn’t love him because I didn’t follow him.
    Now, I am so depressed that any kind of stress is magnified 100 times. At night when I go to bed I cry myself to sleep. He’s trying to force me to agree to sell the house. I know I need to cut my strings but I am so scared that I will not be able to live. I am so scared that I will end up on the street.
    None of my 3 children want anything to do with me. My emotions are all over the place from hour to hour.I am not sleeping right and I have to take something just to keep my mind from racing.
    I talked with him the other night and he told me that I had threatened to kill him if he made me sell. I don’t even remember the conversation. I think he’s making things up now.
    There is so much to this story that I am just sick over the whole situation.
    Where do I start? I’m lonely, tired, depressed and I just want my children to love me. I feel abandoned, isolated, and just feel like there is nothing to look forward to.
    I spend way to much money just to make he happy at the time.
    I need help and do not know what to do first.
    WHAT DO I DO????

    • Alicia Stanley

      Omg …your story sounds very close to mine…I wish I had some ideas but I am totally overwhelmed. Too. You seem so cool though…look me up on facebook if you wanna talk.

      • Bonnie LaBarre

        Hi Alicia, I tried looking you up on Facebook but their are several Alicia Stanley.
        I would need to narrow the search. is their a way to locate each other?

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Pamela,

    It sounds like it’s been a long, difficult 12 years of marriage! And the thought of leaving your husband when you have no money is overwhelming. I can only imagine how difficult it is…and I admire your courage to make this decision to leave. It does take more strength to do what you believe is right than to stay in a hopeless, unhappy marriage.

    But, doing what you believe is right isn’t easy, is it? Especially when you don’t have resources, money, or support.

    Have you called a womens’ help line or resource center in your community? That would be my next step, I think. You mention you have health issues that prevent you from working…are there financial resources available for women in your situation? I know it depends on your community, city, and even county or state…so you need to call around, and find out what types of support exist.

    You might also try calling legal aid, or a women’s legal organization. They may have help for women who want to leave their husbands, but have no money.

    What other advice have you received?

    Hoping and praying for you,
    Laurie

  • Pamela

    I have been married for almost twelve years. Almost since the beginning, we have had major financial problems. It’s been one thing after another. We did not have any children together. I have felt stuck for many years due to being financially dependent on him. I have had various health issues that have kept me from working. I do not get any kind of “allowance” to buy clothes. I basically tell him when I need something (toothpaste, etc.) and he will get it. He will give me a few dollars at a time (enough to get some kind of junk food) so I can get something to eat when I go out. He pays the bills. If I need new clothes I tell him and he will decide when we can afford to get the items and where to get them. My name is on our bank account but I don’t really know why because if I got money out or used the credit card he would have a fit. We have had many arguments over money through the years. I’m no longer in love with him and haven’t been for years. He treats me more like his daughter than his wife. He is 59 and I am 48. I can’t stand living this way any longer. I have been miserable for years. One of my biggest concerns about divorcing is not having anywhere to live. I have already asked my mom if I could live with her and my dad and she said no. My brother is living with them to help them out. I have a sister but she lives in Alabama. I am in Virginia. I have a daughter from a previous marriage that is going into her senior year of high school. I just want to be free and happy again. Any advice would be most appreciated. Thanks.

    • Alicia Stanley

      What part of VA? Im close to Richmond! Maybe we could work together or just support one another….Im on FB Alicia Lynn so look me up!

  • Laurie Post author

    Thank you for being here, and sharing your story. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to be unhappy in your marriage, but not have enough money to leave your husband. It’s a difficult situation, and there are no easy answers. Especially when you have loved ones depending on you.

    What resources or organizations for women exist in your area? It might be worth giving them a call, and finding out if they offer any type of financial or other support. Most of those organizations don’t advertise the type of help they offer — you really have to call and find out what resources exist!

    And…consider what sacrifices you’re willing to make to leave your husband. You may have to start completely over from scratch, with nothing.

    Can you do this? Do you want to do this?

  • Nellie

    I have been married for 42 yrs. I have put up with him putting me down , running me down to his friends, after I clean he goes and makes a big mess, throws clothes everywhere after I had ironed folded them. I heard him tell my uncle he only married me to take care of him and I was his hired hand. When I heard that I stopped doing his laundry and only do what I have to for my uncle n I. I have noticed he’s not being nice to my uncle who I moved in with us cause he was being abused. My husband wants me to pay rent lets me drive his car. I am fed up and I have talked to my uncle and he stands behind me 100 % but says it’s not time yet. My husband gets a disability check and has spent all the savings we had. He doesn’t give me money says it’s his and he pays bills and what he wants to eat. My uncle helps with food as well. I so want to leave but I have no money and I need to take care of my uncle he’s the only family I have left. Not sure on how to move out. Any advice. I have been praying for a God to help n show me what to do. Thanks

  • Lorie Raschick

    My husband and i have been married for 33 years, and he has verbally abused me for many years. He just told me last week that he told our apartment manager that in 30 days he will be moving. I am unemployed, and have no money. We have 3 grown children, and he has managed to trash talk me so much, that they no longer want anything to do with me. I have no place to go, and he doesn’t care. He never has. I told him he is a heartless piece of crap, and he just chuckles at me. He has never defended me or had my back. He always takes the other persons side. He says he no longer wants to be with me, but just wants to move out. I have to do all of the paperwork at the courts, and it is very painful. My head is spinning, cuz he has nevr cared from day one. I dont even know where to turn. Can anyone give me some suggestions?

  • Patience

    Hmmmm, am just afraid that I may die one day, if I don’t leave this marriage. But come to think of it where do I go to? My son is 3years old. My husband is a chronic womanizer, he nagg for any little things to the hearing of neaboughs he beat me, telling that I can live his house if I want to, he doesn’t take care of me. He has money. If they ask the child to pay any money @school he complain why do I tell tell him, that o should go and pay. He knew he don’t give me money, am not working, the little business am running Ihe make sure i don’t save. I feed my self, my son, my sister and my husband niece. He left for work Monday come Friday sometimes Saturday. He was leaving this kind of life till the first wife left. He is much older than me, he supposed to take me like a daughter. Instead he treat me bad I cannot get any support from him. I just read his text telling one of his girlfriend to move in with him at his place of work. Am depressed, frustrated, angry, sick, tired, mad, am just 25 but I have taken what my mother have never thought of. My parents are not financial buoyant. I don’t have saving to rent a house, feed my sister and my son. I cannot go back to my mother she’s sick. Am tired no support, he will be at enjoying him self, he don’t care how we survive before he return, he don’t even call, if I call he don’t pick. This was a man that was showing me love. After one child he has turned to devil. Am having heart achening to my back. Anytime am hurt the pain is in my heart. Am afraid of heart attack or failure.

  • Margarita warner

    I am living with an abusive housband verbally and emotionally, I left my country to marry him with my two daughters that are not his. He knows I have not enought money to leave And make a life without him
    I have called the cops several times after abusive situations and most of the times they are in his side because he acts totally diferent when they come home
    I have been working hard to could make my life and my daughters much better but still is not enought to cover all expenses.
    He knows that I still need his money . Money that he had always had the control over it since the first day we got married.
    He is always on his phone, Texting with other women and playing his war games.
    He is always saying that we have the house bad, always demanding the imposible in order to say that I am never enough good for him as a housewife ,in my work (even if I work hard at home he is always complaining why I work at home ) that I need to get a better job
    All the times he says there is the door open ! You can leave
    I never put a gun on your head to make you move from your country sooo you should leave and go back to your country.
    Is a humiliating situation all the time
    He says why should I change if you do not clean the house and keep it clean it as I want
    Why should I give you money if you do not know how to spend it
    I always says is a matter of time but is not easy to make a life here by your self raising two kids when I do not have support at all
    I do not want to go back and to my country after all I have done here and working hard to make grow my art business That in the beginning he said he was going to support.
    But in reality he never did . I have done all by myself.

  • Kellie

    Hi. I am so grateful to read all of these comments and not feel so alone. All my friends think I’m crazy for still being with him. They don’t understand. We got together when we were 14, I was smitten by my teenage love. We got so serious so young and at 18 i fell pregnant with my daughter. We both lived at home but soon moved out together before the baby was born. He was a really bad drinker, very angry. He would verbally abused me most of the time with the occasional shove. Our daughter was born via emergency c sec, I was young and scared. The following day He returned to the hospital seemingly drunk. I couldn’t believe it. Things didn’t improve after she was born. Thank God for my mum at that time. When my daughter was around 8 months it go so bad that I left with her and moved into my mum and dads. This only lasted a few months and then my mum got breast cancer, while I wasn’t coping with the news He was there to help me emotionally which led me back into his arms. Following this he gave up drinking altogether, and was sober for 5 years. In this time we had a second daughter, bought a house and got married. Life was so good and we were so happy. 8 months after buying our house, my mum became terminally ill and passed away 3 months later. My world was shattered. My number one supported gone. As if that wasn’t enough to go through he Then started drinking again….i was devastated, I was trying to adjust to this new life of him drinking again and my mum not being here and keep it together for my girls, and ontop of that I then became my dad’s carer. Wow. My life was in total chaos, and then I found out he was on ice. I didn’t know what to do everything was just so crazy and he was messed up and needed help, so I tried to help him….for one whole year. Eventually he became way to unpredictable and I left with the kids. I got a part time job, got a loan and bought a car, rented a unit and just did it all on my own while he got worse and worse. He didn’t see the kids for 4 months straight. Then suddenly his grandfather passed away unexpectedly and he turned up on my doorstep and collapsed in my arms. I brought him in and he just cried for days, and from that moment on he was back and off the ice and getting himself right for our girls. But with this came a new addiction to marijuana. From the moment he put down the ice, he smoked weed to replace it and at the time I was ok with it because compared to the ice it wasn’t an issue. While we were apart he stayed in the house and the mortgage didn’t get paid nor did any other bill so the bank were ready to repossess it and I managed to save it. With his addictions to drinking, drugs and gambling I was always the one who took care of the money and the bills. So back in our house and 3 years later, he still hasn’t gone a day without pot, he is still a gambler, still drinks and will occasionally become verbally abusive. I am now studying nursing full time, the kids are 8 and 10 and I am always running them to some sort of activity, I run the house, take care of the finances, help run my husband’s business and take care of my dad. He has lost all interest in us and our life. He NEVER asks about my uni, he doesn’t have any interest in attending things at the kids school ect. He is high every minute of every day and if we argue about it, he will belittle me and remind me that he works and pays the bills and puts a roof over our heads. He is so nasty. We are rarely intimate and just a few night ago he turned up home from the pub mid week absolutely drunk and was abusing me verbally in front of the kids calling me names and when my eldest daughter tried to stand up for me he bullied her aswell. He is nasty. The next day he is ALWAYS sorry and he will apologize and expect everyone to move on. I do purely for the sake of the kids.
    Recently I packed a bag for me and the girls and left, then i realized we have no where to go. I have no money, no job and no way out. I visited a friend for a few hours (who has 4 kids and no space) then went home. I slept on the couch and the next morning he is so smug. Believes that it was all me because I spoke and he claims that I know he will lose it if I keep talking when he doesn’t want me to. I have no doubt he is schizophrenic and has got major anger issues. I don’t love him anymore but he won’t leave and I have no where to leave to. He believes today is a new day and we should move on. I hate him. I want out. I am midway through my degree and when I’m done I will have my dream job and my independence. I wish he would just save us the grief and move out….but he would never. This is our family home and he is just destroying it. I am already a single mother basically, I am 29 years old and just don’t want to live like this anymore. My girls deserve better. He claims to be this amazing husband and father because he works hard but it takes so much more than money to be a provider and a good person. I feel so stuck 🙁

  • Cara

    Ladies, i cannot tell You how much i feel better knowing that i am not alone.
    I really want to leave my husband because I cannot take it anymore. I am 30 and we have a 5 yo who is really starting to be worried and stressed because of the situation.
    I left my Job to Follow him in a another country (which do not allows me to find a. Job…) so basically I feel like a desperate house wife cliché but without the finance. I m taking care of my. Lovely son but that is it, I’m not allowed to spend His money, have to justify every movement and stay. At home all day! He has a very good job so people really. Look at him with admiration and respect, its killing me because I feel Every day I’m dying a bit more inside. I loved him but after 7 years of lies, disrespect moral abuse, alcool abuse especially in front. Of people. I. Am thinking of leaving the country and re start from scratch BUT I have nothing, no money. My husband always makes sure that I don’t have the card or reminds me nicely that I do not. Work for it.
    I am lost in a no so friendly country 16 hours from my parents. My life is a waste, I’m educated, funny (people say) not too bad looking and I’m dying of sadness in front of my. So I’m feeling powerless.

    • Shalini

      I’m going to almost the same situation. 33 with a 3 yr old daughter who is my everything. Living in a country 15 hrs away from home with a husband who drinks almost daily and does nothing for me financially. I don’t love him anymore and haven’t in years! He’s a great father to our daughter so this is the ONLY glue holding us together but at the end of the day, I want to love my husband and be happy.. both of which I am not!

  • carol Passini

    I am 62 years old. I have been fighting cancer off and on for years. I have lived with a man for 20 years. He is very abusive. He treats me so horribly. He lies, and comes and goes when he wants. He is just so awful and there is just to much to post. I am lied to and disrespected. I am the last thing on his list. He puts all his male friends first and talks so badly about me behind my back. He tries to get me mad and when I do, he will use his phone recorder to record me while I am mad and he makes sure he talks sweet .. He will act like a victim that is getting picked on. He will then play the recording to his friends and say that is what he has to go through. In reality, I am so good to him. I stay home and keep a beautiful house, and cook a clean I have never had a vacation or gone anywhere in the 20 years. He takes trips to go fishing or skiing with his friends often. During my last check up, they found an aortic aneurysm… I was told not to let my blood pressure get high. But, I can not help it when I am getting abused on a daily basis. I have no money to leave or support myself. I do not tell people in my life my problems. I am embarrassed to do so. He walks all over me and has no loyalty or respect for me. I want to leave so bad. I don’t want to get so upset that my aorta bursts. . I have four beautiful grandchildren who love me and I love them. They are really all I have. I am so unhappy I cry all the time. Because I know I can’t leave because of no money, I find myself thinking of suicide. Anything to get away from him… I just want a little home of my own where I can take care of myself. I want to live in peace while I have time. I am not a very healthy woman, and I have been through so much all my life. I do not tell my girls about anything because I do not want them to be disgusted with me. I just want to get my dignity back… I want him to no longer have the ability to abuse me… He knows I have no money or anywhere to go so he does what he wants. even if it is treating me like something on the bottom of his shoe. I don’t know what to do anymore,,, I am so tired…

    • Elizabeth Hagen

      JUST LEAVE. I know it is hard but I have done it in the past with one child and am about to do it with 4. My husband does the same things your husband doe except he plays xbox instead of going anywhere. He barely holds a job and when he does he just leaves us high and dry. I also have major health problems and I also scared to leave. When I did it before I was really healthy also able to work full-time. I know it is hard but our kids (and grandkids) deserve having us in their lives. If you or If die our husbands may end up putting our loved ones in a bad situation. You may think “oh he is good to the grandchildren” but believe me when you are not their to shield them and take the abuse things can change. Our situations are so much alike I wish we could help eachother. Talk to your daughters fist, they may be able to help you and their is nothing wrong with you only him. I wish you the best and hope you can take that one scary step and just do it. It will be hard for a while but you will start feeling better and better every day you are are way from him. I would also go see a doctor and councelor and try to get disability so you can support yourself. Best of luck and all the love in the world for you and yours. It really is possible and not just a dream. Reach out you will be surprised how many people and places care!

    • Miserable inVirginia

      Carol, this sounds like my situation to the tee. I am 66 years old and also have nobody that I can turn too, feel so alone. He even bad mouths me to my two adult sons and plays victim as to where he will get pity from them and everyone. Tells me all the time to “go to hell”,trust me, I think I’m there. No way to live, but how do you make a change with no money and no one to turn to. I pray everynight to just die in my sleep, which I dont get much of, totally tired and wotn out emotionally. I feel your pain, God Bless you,and pray you find a way. We were blessed with loser’s!!! Dont give up the fight!!!

      • Emily

        Mine plays the victim as well. Even when he was ill, they thought I was flipping out when I would tell people how ill he was. They would call him and he would tell them he was fine. Until the morning he almost died. But this year his family does not even look at me cause he seems to have them brainwashed that there is something wrong with me. He goes to his brothers house for dinners and such and does not tell me they are having dinner. Then he tells them I am home sick when they ask where I am. I am so tired of crying and having my eyes swollen. I forgot what it is to smile.

  • Jule

    Finding this thread is such a relief to me. I’m struggling so bad right now and to know others are feeling similar things is unexpectedly comforting. I am a stay at home mom of 3 boys, my youngest is 2 and has some very serious health problems and disabilities so my life revolves around his issues which is why I no longer have a job. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and after we had our second son (year 2) he became very violent. Punching me in the face multiple times, one time even beating me so badly on the bathroom floor that I thought he would certainly kill me. The cops were called that night by a neighbor but I was already in my car leaving with my kids. I regret so much not telling anyone what happened. I was so embarrised. He quit drinking 3 years ago after a dui and sin e then has not been violent but verbally and emtionally abusive and demeaning to me and even our boys sometimes. Recently He had a compete mental breakdown and went crazy , was put in psych ward and put on all kinds of meds. He has no interest in our children and it’s sad to say I don’t feel safe leaving him alone with them. I tell myself I stayed through so many terrible things what will people say that I’m leaving over some emotional abuse. Ugh internal battle. But I have zero money to my name and he makes it very clear that the money he makes is HIS. I don’t know where to begin but I know I need to get out bc I’m starting to see aggression in my boys, and they deserve better than this constant fight. I’m so so sorry for rambling on, it just felt so good to release all of that lol

  • Gloria

    I wish I had money to leave my husband but I’m still saving up. I want to be financially secure before I walk out of this marriage. These tips helps more than you know, thank you. It’s good to know I’m not the only one in this situation.

  • Polly

    It’s so funny how everyone thinks women who are abused get ANY help. I called the police on him one day when he wouldn’t stop raging in hopes of scaring him into stopping. He is NOT physically violent but yells and slams things. In my home state I had used this successfully against my dad when he was raging and it made him not do it again but nothing bad came of it and it was just a warning, I hoped the police would just give him a warning and I had tried everything but he just wouldn’t respect me and it was getting out of control.

    Unfortunately we had just moved to a state with a mandatory DV arrest policy I WAS NOT AWARE OF, so the police OUTRIGHT LIED TO ME asked me where he was so they could “talk” to him. I asked the officer outright if it was “just talking” and the officer lied and said yes. He hadn’t been physically abusive but they arrested him anyways and I got to find out just how politicized and life ruining the domestic violence laws are in some states.

    They arrested him and instituted an immediate 6 month restraining order. Of course they didn’t offer me ANY HOUSING SUPPORT and my husband pays all the bills, so we drained all our savings with him living in a hotel for a month and me being in an apt. At the end of 6 months we were nearly destitute which almost caused us to go homesless. Because of the HORRIBLE IDIOTIC mandatory arrest policy we had our savings drained and almost went homeless, but guess what? I still live with him. You know why?

    Because the DV services offered me NOTHING (in addition to harassing me with political rhetoric which I told them not to do because I don’t vote and I’m not at DV services to be politically harassed) and I don’t have family. So now I just live with a man who hates me for having him put in jail and things are NO better but we are out 10 grand and my savings are drained and my husband has violent criminal charges ( even though he did not touch me at all – yelling is a violent crime according to the liberals in this horrible state) which DO NOT PROTECT ME FROM ABUSE but DOES make it difficult to survive and find housing.

    I hate smarmy liberals who virtue signal about domestic violence “helping women” – DV LAWS do not help women as much as they DRAIN MONEY FROM PEOPLE and RUIN THEIR LIVES. They also can’t help but force their social justice politics on abused women. Why would I leave a marriage and put myself in the hands of a bunch of stuck up social workers who try to rape their already abused clients with an extra helping of political rhetoric.

    I tried to escape an abusive husband, but the women at DV services were much worse and are politically rabid here. I’m apolitical, do not vote and do not adhere to or want to hear about political parties yet somehow that is all the DV services here are – a party headquarters.That’s unacceptable to Domestic Violence counselors who live eat and breathe vile politics and then try to force them on women who try to use their services. Domestic Violence counselors are vile, snarling political hacks who try to force everyone around them to be as hysterical about politics as they are. I will NEVER seek out social services again,

    I’d rather be controlled by my husband than twenty-something airheads at the DV center who are politically abusive – they actually tried to push race and gender politics on me. How dare they!!! I am trying to leave an abusive marriage to a man of my same race and they are harassing me about gender and race politics and “white privilege”. Domestic violence centers are a joke and are places to further abuse downtrodden women with shallow politics.

    I hate politics and will never votes again after being harassed by domestic violence services with political rhetoric.They love their life ruining DV laws that simply DON’T WORK and make things 100% worse, because the political rhetoric is that it “helps women”. NO IT DOESN’T it just drains your bank account and sets you up for the homeless shelter. I’d rather live with a loveless jerk than be on the streets any time. So DV services are self-congratulatory and thats about it. Your feelings are never taken into account, they just want to control you and shame you and force their crazy politics on you.

    So I won’t try to leave my abusive marriage again, it’s horrible to be abused, but the alternative (having strangers force their fringe politics on me) is worse. The DV mandatory arrest laws are a money making scheme that leaves couples drained and abused women with LESS resources and less support and MORE harassment. After trying to get help from domestic violence people I just hate them and will NEVER use social services or call the police again. I’d rather die than give my life over to people who have such little respect for others and the DV councilors are sociopaths on a control trip themselves. I value my autonomy too much to hand it over to fools. Better to be abused by someone you know than someone you don’t.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Connie C,

    I totally get it – it may feel embarrassing and shameful to go to your mom and dad and asked for money so that you can leave your husband. Your parents are smart, and they knew that he wouldn’t be a good guy for you. But you had to find out for yourself! That’s what we do, we live and we learn and we move on.

    Have you considered asking your mom and dad for a financial loan? You don’t have to ask them to give you money to leave your husband…perhaps you could ask them for X amount of dollars and tell them you will repay them in X number of months or years. This way, it won’t be like you’re asking them to rescue you from your marriage or give you money to save you. You’ll simply be asking for a short-term loan until you get back on your feet again.

    What are your thoughts on this?

  • Connie C.

    Hi,

    Thanks for these tips for leaving your husband when you have no money. My mom and dad are financially comfortable and have money that they would give me if I wanted to walk away from this relationship. The problem is that I am embarrassed and ashamed to ask them for money. They knew that my husband was bad for me, but I ignored all of their warnings. I just feel stupid. I really want to leave and I have no money. I know my parents would give me as much I needed to leave him but my pride is stopping me. What do you think I should do?

    Sadly,
    Connie

    • Lola

      You cannot sacrifice yourself because of your pride…just suck it up..tell them you admit they were right and you are wrong…it’s not the end of the world…most of us here would absolutely give anything to be in the position to ask someone who could help us…plesae don’t allow your pride to get in the way of doing what is best for you.

  • SquatchD

    Here’s how to leave your husband when you have no money: falsely accuse your husband of abuse, and file a protective order. Make sure it’s believable enough so it will last a good long time. This should give you at least a couple of years where your husband pays everything while you’re living in someone’s spare room somewhere.

    • K

      Who in the world does that. It is important that when a woman who is getting hurt is understood to be honest. Why would you want to clog up the system?

    • Jess

      SquatchD you are obviously the abusive “husband” in that relationship you just described, considering the way you express your opinion/emotion in regards to (Here’s how to leave your husband when you have no money.) Perhaps your purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

  • Glenda

    I just can’t believe all us women are having to go through this!! I am in the same boat, trying to get enough money to leave my husband. I’ve been married for 25 years & have 2 grown sons. And I was the “strong, tough one” out of us 3 kids until I meet my husband. I want out of my marriage so bad for years but to scared to do it.

    My marriage started out abusive before we got married. First, he is 14 yrs older than me. Second, He’s been married 3 times before me & Third, He’s an Alcoholic (although he claims he’s not).

    I never had any boys in school that was ever interested in me (so I thought) so we my husband came along & gave me just a little bit of attention, I thought that was the greatest thing. Come to find out it wasn’t. He would take me to places I’d never been before then make me go into a gas station to buy his beer. I felt so ashamed & embarrassed because I don’t drink but did it anyway. When I came back out, we would have driven off. Well my parents never taught me how to call long distance so I would start walking. He would eventually come back & pick me up but he also wanted to know how many men had I slept with while he gone? He has always accused me of doing that from day one.

    Now, it’s about 3 1/2 yrs later & I’m 8 months along with our second son. All these years before, he would go to work then go straight to the golf course & play golf with his buddies & drink more beer & gone every weekend doing the same thing. So that one day when he was home, he again was telling me how that nobody would ever want a BEACHED WALRUS or I was fat as an elephant but yet he was just accusing me of sleeping with all his coworkers & golf buddies. I finally had taken enough when he put his finger in my face!! I BLEW UP!! But not for long, the next thing I remembered is remembering see stars. When I came to, I looked over to my right to see my 3 yr old son standing in his doorway & just screaming crying not realizing what’s going on. I picked myself up off the floor & grabbed my son & tried to get to the front door but he was to strong & I couldn’t get by so I ran to our bedroom, locking the door. Still not realizing all the blood I had on my face where he had just punched me. I sat there for a long time wondering if I should call the police? But I was afraid that if I called them, they would take my son away. So I didn’t & regret every day I didn’t.

    I’m so sorry I pretty much told my life story but what this amounts to is that I’m not happy since day one & I want to live the rest of my life Happy, Go to as I please, Come home when I want to, don’t have to answer why this amount of money is missing or why did you have to go there? Why did it take you so long? You are you talking to? And most important, I will be allowed to see & talk to my family again!!!

    That’s GOALS FOR GETTING OUT OFF THIS MARRIAGE!!

  • BB

    Compared to others, my marriage isn’t that awful but we are both unhappy. We can’t seem to ever have a healthy argument, mostly ugly fights that don’t get resolved. My husband verbally abuses me when we fight. It’s not to the extreme awful, sometimes it is and others more subtle. I didn’t realize how this affected me over the last decade until a friend told me a year ago that his language is considered verbal abuse. I went to see a psychologist and learned how my husband’s way of communication is controlling, manipulative, a bit abusive, bully-like etc. My doctor helped me out of my depression (that is due to my environment), I’m slowly getting stronger but having difficulty with divorce. I think I love my husband but not sure how much I’m in love with him. I don’t feel attracted to him but I can’t help to wonder if this is just a bad phase in our marriage. My husband doesn’t think he verbally abuses me and thinks it’s normal when people get angry and sometimes say things they claim they don’t mean. Am I just making excuses for him? We don’t have any children (“we both” are not able to, but he blames me) we have pets we love as our kids. My marriage therapist says we should split but I can’t help but to question him and wonder if he’s even a good therapist or not? Does it have to be extremely horrible to divorce? When we got married I moved to where he lived. I’m away from family and friends. I lost my career over time (isn’t a place to live for my field) and the city I live is small, where it’s difficult for a minority to get work. It’s hard to save money without your husband’s knowing. I’ve been saving a little because I know if I were to divorce, it would be gruesome. He will try to make my life difficult and lawyer fees won’t be cheap. If I were to divorce, I could live with an old friend out of state, a place where I would have a better place to find a job. Starting over is intimidating. It’s nice to know I would have a place to go… but I don’t know if I should divorce or not!? He’s not physically abusive but we are distant from one another. He’s still attracted to me but he won’t take responsibility for his faults and accept that he does hurt me with some verbal abuse…

    • Amber

      U should still leave leave leave. I am currently stuck n want to leave but have no money, it is far worse with children and wish my child was not his sperm.

    • Carol

      Your situation is almost like mine, but my husband is worse. He verbally abuses me every time we disagree, or i don’t do as he says. Sometimes he physically abuses me, like squeezes me very hard to hurt me, throws me on the sofa, threaten me…every time like that I have to threaten to call the police, then he stops. All of that happened when I was pregnant, and even after just a few days after i delivered my baby, i had a c-section, he still did all that to me. I left a few times to stay with my friend when I was pregnant. Now with the baby, I can only leave once I decide to file a divorce. His excuses are like what you said, he said all people curse and call each other names when they fight, they said horrible things that they don’t mean it. He curses me and our baby since he wasnt even born, and still uses the baby to hurt me. And then he would apologizes. He has anger issues and some spychological issues but refuses it. When I asks him to go see a therapist, then he blames me because I didn’t do the thing he asked, and that triggers his horrible temper, so it’s my fault. Since he has a PhD, so he thinks he is smatter than anyone, so anyone tries to give him advince he would insult them, including his mom. He no longer talks to his mom since she told him not to do something. We just married for a year, my love for him was long gone coz I couldn’t believe I fell in love with a horrible human being like him. I know I will divorce him very soon, I married him right after college, and gor pregnant very quick. Now I have my precious son, i’m ready to leave him until I can find a job to support for my son and I.

      I consider this is my life mistake since i let my emotion/my love for him blinded me. I knew I shouldn’t marry him but I thought with my love I could help him. But i was so so wrong, and I had to pay a hard price for it. My love for him died quickly after i realized he can’t be changed. I have no feelings for him any more,he chooses to live that way. And I need to take my son far away from him otherwise he would make our son the unhappiest person on earth.

  • Laurie Post author

    Dear Better Than This,

    Thank you for writing about your experience – it takes courage to share what you’re going through in your marriage! Many of us hide what we’re going through, so I really admire your strength. I don’t know much about being a Jehovah’s Witness, but it sounds like it’s been a major journey in your life.

    I wish I had good advice to give you about how to leave your husband when you have no money – or that I had a magic wand that could turn back time and make everything good again! I think the reason it’s difficult to find articles on HOW to leave a marriage is because every situation is different. My route to divorce is 100% different than yours, and ours are both different than my neighbor’s, or your sister’s, etc. There really is no specific set process or steps on “how to leave your husband” because it is so dependent on your situation and marriage.

    However….one of the best places to start is to all your local Social Services organizations or womens’ resource centers. I have no idea what is available in your area — this is work you have to find time to do. I know it’s stressful, I feel for you! But the stress of staying in this marriage is worse than the stress it’ll take to learn how to leave your husband.

    You won’t find an exact map online or even in person, through a Social Services organization. You need to create this map yourself, one step at a time. YOU CAN DO IT! I know you can do it, I can feel your spirit of survival in your story. Yes, it’s stressful…and yes, you will find healthy ways to deal with the stress.

    Nobody avoids stress. Not even babies, or children, or wives who are totally loved and cherished by their husbands, or Christians, or Jehovah’s Witnesses, or husbands….EVERYBODY has stress in their lives! We must learn how to cope with stress because we will never, ever avoid it. That’s a myth.

    Another step towards leaving your husband is to look at what’s holding you back. It sounds like you’ve done that, and once your oldest is in a dorm, you may be more free to leave. In the meantime, I encourage you to get as emotionally and spiritually healthy as you can! The stronger and more grounded you are, the easier all decisions will be. Well – nothing will be EASY – but you’ll be more confident and peaceful in your choices.

    The most powerful source of wisdom and truth that still, small voice inside of you. Maybe it’s intuition, or God, or the Universe….whatever you call it, it really is the best source of advice you could ever ask for. You need to get quiet and listen to it, for that voice will tell you what you need to know. That voice will tell you what the next step is.

    Here are some questions to ponder, and to help you gain awareness and insight into your own self.

    What is the most difficult aspect of leaving your marriage?

    What specifically scares and worries you about leaving your husband?

    How does staying with your husband keep you safe?

    How does your marriage protect you from being vulnerable or hurt?

    What would it take to make this your marriage painful enough that you would leave your husband even if you had no money or resources?

    What are you not willing to do?

    Which path (staying in this marriage, or learning how to leave your husband) leads to more life, possibilities, and purpose?

    Go where the life is. Find ways to clear noise and clutter of unhealthy attachments, bad relationships, unhappy people. Listen to the still small voice of God – of divine wisdom and power! Be quiet so you can hear.

    Here’s another article that may interest you:

    5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship
    https://howloveblossoms.com/stages-of-leaving-an-abusive-relationship/

    Take care of yourself. Listen for that still small voice – for you are smarter, stronger, and braver than you know. May you find peace, love, joy, compassion, and goodness. May you create a life you love, filled with hope and faith. May you Blossom!!

    In prayer,
    Laurie

    • Better Than This

      Laurie,

      Thank you SO very much for the encouragement. You will never know how much your words mean to me. You give me some truly insightful things to think about. He is around me SO much that I barely have time for anything. It’s hard for me to think straight, to plan, to EVER call social services, anything. I’ve taken the advice of many ladies and will try to begin working on my credit. Though I still don’t know how or where my son and I would live after my daughter is in a dorm.

      My credit is completely shot, I’ve got the IRS judgement on my credit now (even worse), and, now, no job. Well, there’s our business, but I don’t plan to have my name mixed in with that anymore after the end of the year. So, I don’t know how in the world I will qualify for somewhere to live. I have my student loans that I don’t pay all of the time. There’s always one excuse or another from him. If I could figure out HOW I could, at least, pay that on time every month without him knowing about it, that would be golden. Why without him knowing? Because, he’s totally controlling and confrontational. He, apparently, doesn’t want what’s best for me.

      I’ve checked the local women’s shelters – all full. No hope there. I’m not so sure about my family. We are nowhere near as close as we used to be. I just don’t know. ??? Bedsides, he has threatened to do things to them before. I’m not sure how serious he was about that, but who wants to take a chance, right? My city is going through a major boom right now, good for probably being able to find a job (though I haven’t worked for someone else in 9 years. He may have threatened my ex boss after I quit???) and bad because there are no openings for income based apartments. Most apartments are new and go for $1700 and above per month. I’ve considered subleasing (sort of makes me feel uncomfortable). Corporate housing would at least cut out the additional utilities but again I would my credit.

      Then, you think: my life or comfort? It’s all so distressing. I will just have to play it by ear and listen to my instincts. I would like to transition smoothly (for the sake of my kids) but will do what I have to do.

      I appreciate you taking your valuable time to address my concerns. Those questions you listed, I am going to seriously ponder over. That’s real life questions. Thanks.

  • Better Than This

    I, too, am unfortunately involved in a horrible marriage that I fantasize, almost all day everyday, about being out of. I’ve read some posts here, trying to get some ideas on HOW I might leave. I have to say that it’s quite disturbing how many of us have been or are currently in abusive situations. One might think: if this many people can’t get out of their situations, how can I? I choose to maintain a positive attitude, especially because I have kids.

    My situation is SO SO messed up on so many levels. I don’t know where to start.

    Our relationship began in the usual classic narcissistic manner. He was so interesting, complimentary, concerned, and generous when we started out. He just seemed SO into me. I loved that. It turns out that all of that concern was his way of getting an angle on me, to use against me later. Now, we spend tons of time around each other. I can hardly breathe. He is very talkative, including with the ladies. Me, on the other hand. He wants me to pretend that no one is walking around. Don’t talk to them. Don’t be friendly, like in a common pe of way. None of that. In short, he is absolutely controlling, crazy, with an explosive temper if he feels like he isn’t getting his way.

    Now, I’m normally an extremely vocal person. So, I usually voice my concerns. Since I’ve decided that I definitely want to leave, I’ve tried putting everyone’s advice to use by not voicing my opinion. It’s hard though, almost impossible. But, he is like a dog. He can tell something is up. He’s talked about how he isn’t stupid, and I can just give up on my plans . . . He isn’t stupid.

    I feel like the stupid one, ultimately. I gave so much up for this relationship. I will NEVER do it again. I’ve learned my lesson.

    If you know anything about being a Jehovah’s Witness, you know I gave up a lot. We both submitted to that religion, trying to do what’s right. We both realized they had some major bs going there. So, we gave that up. I’ll give him that much. However, he likes to throw up how we should be going and feeds into a lot of their masagonist ideas. It’s too much. My two kids, 11 and 17 from a previous marriage, have to go without doing so many things. and for what? We don’t go there anymore. We know it ain’t where it’s at. But he wants to continue to NOT do any of the things that they stand for. It’s too much.

    I can’t wait to get the oldest into a dorm. After that, it probably won’t be as hard to leave. I don’t know.

    In addition, he doesn’t drive. He messed that up for himself, but always has somewhere he needs to go. Next to his abusive nature is that he will not put his name on nothing. NOTHING. Obviously, i’m like wtf is REALLY going on.

    He is terrible with money. He is a big spender, except not on the things we need (healthcare, good food, house repairs, etc.) And now, there’s a lien against me, on my credit report, from the IRS. I’m over the moon on being pissed off. But, where would we go. How would we get out? Will he make good on his threats against my kids, parents, family? He’s definitely crazy. I’ve seen that.

    I just can’t take it anymore. Everyday life is just so difficult. I have PCOS and am supposed to stay far away from stress. I guess you know, I’m totally stressed. I totally don’t know what I’m going to do. Bad credit, haven’t worked for 9 years, with children, tax an older age. Any suggestions are welcomed.

    • Ksren

      I have 4 children and my husband knocked out 2 teeth when he assaulted me. Every day i get up and get it together, sometimes with fishing wire and twine, but i am realizing I wont survive, be it physical or mental if I dont leave. I have been saving for months now and progress is slow. What gets me through the moment is visualizing the future where i am free, safe, and most of all, open to good experiences that will come as soon as I am not under his thumb. Its like being in a cell with a view of just a corner of the sky. It is the sky over the place where he can not hurt me anymore. I empathize with you completely.

      • Mary-Lou

        You need to call mobil crisis and social service.. Immediately
        Never stand for being hit by Anyone ever.
        And even if It only hapoen once…it will happen again eventually.. We tell ourselves oh he didn’t mean to or he promises never to do it again.. Just like they promise not to have a drink..
        Or their sorry… Yah right if they were truely truely they would nit of said it or done it!
        I’m proof of it.. Also married to alcoholic 8 years.. And he promises and he’s sorry..blaaa blaaa blaaa.
        Girl take your babies and call mobile crisis or social services. They can get you out fast and while your husbands at work so he can’t bliw up at you.. They will make you safe.
        And when you do make sure you are totally alone and pour your heart out to them!! They understand what your going threw because some of the workers have been in your shoes. Tell them everything.
        Us women need to stand uo for ourselves against abuse of any kind.

        • K

          Thanks i know this is right on and am appreciative for the words. Its true. They never change once they crossed the line and hit a woman. It becomes easier for them after that. And the battered one feels fear again and again. I am tired of looking at my body covered with bruises my lover put there hate. Why doesnt he ever take it seriously how hard he hits and how much it hurts. I feel horrible every time I anger him. I shouldnt gel ashamed amd worthless bit i do. I threw my life away on him and he has destroyed everything i had. Its like im waste deep in mud. How can i just swim.

      • Victoria

        Ksren, please do not let this continue for one more second. You need out now for your sake and for your children’s sake. Even if he has not physically harmed the children yet, you are still allowing them to be in harms way! And they have already been mentally and emotionally harmed.
        Please get them and yourself out now and let your children learn that this is not okay! It is not okay to hurt another and it is not okay to be hurt by another. Even if you don’t want to save your own self, Save them now!

        • K

          Thanks Victoria. I am still financially trapped and he threatens to find me and take the children away if i tell him i have to leave. He has blocked every exit and sometime i feel like you are right, that i can do it but sometimes i feel like everyone hates me even my mother and children.
          He wont allow me to talk to him and tells me to “suck a d*ck”. He threatens to have me arrested or committed if i wont shut up. I have saved some money but he is ruthless, trying to ruin me. Today i feel utterly hopeless so it was nice to hear what you are saying. Its good advice but i honestly feel like my life has been destroyed and obliterated. I hear word for word what D. Kirk and Squatchd say in the comments below. Its all me, hes a good husband and i am crazy. Its very hard to come up with the wherewithall to go when i know it can get much worse if i leave. I keep planning but it seems more like a pipe dream than a goal. He didnt get violent until i was 7 months pregnant with our 4th child after six years of marriage and knowing his family since i was 12. Today is not a good day because i am afraid to come out of the basement and anger him. I dont know how i got here sometimes and dont know how to unravel myself from him. Its not a good day. I appreciate you giving me strength and motivation but im really unhappy and hopeles today. I dont know where to begin.

          • Victoria

            In my case, there is no physical abuse. Mental and emotional abuse can make a person so depressed that it is difficult to get out for years upon years. This is where I am. But mental and emotional abuse always accompany physical abuse. So you are triple whammied.

            In my case, I can’t get support from agencies. I never even had children so that decreases my chances for help. It’s just me trying to figure things out for myself and get strength to do what needs to be done.

            But I thought that there was help from agencies for people who are physically abused especially if children are involved. You have Internet access. I guess I’m not understanding why you don’t get away. They can hide you. You can firm choice not to ever contact him again. Isn’t this right?

            You have to do this. You have to get your children away from this. They need to know that it is not okay for people to do this to others. This is up to you. Make sure that they won’t grow up and do it to someone else or let someone do it to them.

            You are not the only one who is being affected by this.

          • Victoria

            No, it is not you at fault for what he does. I don’t believe that. Don’t let anyone make you think that. Ever. He is wrong! No male should ever use his strength against a female. He is showing his weakness by doing that. He probably would never come against a male physically.

            My concern was the children as well as you should not stay. I have read further down in these comments and I am seeing that people say that the agencies don’t give the right kind of help for you to break free. I thought that was what they existed for. This is terrible. Surely there has got to be a way.

            Please don’t ever let anyone make you feel that what he is doing is your fault. D. Kirk is wrong.

  • WorkingMom

    My husband and I have been married almost 15 years. We have 3 kids, 7 and under. He is verbally abusive to me and I really need to get out for my own mental state but also because this is an awful environment for my kids. I am depressed on an almost daily basis. He stays home with our kids. Summer has been awful for the past 2 years. I have been telling him since last summer to get a job if he is so unhappy. He has not. And last Fall he cheated on me with another mom in my daughters class. I work full time but I feel stuck because I can’t afford to support both of us out on our own. His excuse for not working is either he can’t find a job that would cover childcare (I disagree) or he can’t pass a drug test. He does little to nothing to make a change. His priorities are for himself. I work 8-5 Monday to Friday and then come home to the same responsibilities that any other working mom comes home to. He plays baseball on the weekend and is usually gone the entire day on Sunday. He says he deserves that time. But the larger issue is that he wakes up angry and that’s his attitude almost constantly. He is angry before his feet even hit the floor. Telling me what I have already done wrong whether it be with the kids or whatever. Then I get calls at work about you need to come home early so that I can go to the grocery for dinner. He is home all day and doesn’t take care of things like washing clothes, making or planning dinner, washing dishes. If he does any of those things he does them half way and leaves something for me to finish. He says it’s not fair. On the weekend I clean, wash clothes, wash the mountain of dishes, etc. Then he complains and says I am trying to check out from taking care of the kids. I try to explain that people do both but when I am having to make up for a week of nothing done, it takes away time from our weekend. I would love to be spending that time doing something fun. I am tired and worn down. Sick of being talked to like I am dirt. Tired of being called and cussed out while I am at work. Tired of waking up and leaving my house in the morning crying because of the hateful things that were yelled at me or my kids. Tired of coming home to someone that is miserable but takes it out on everyone else and refuses to change. I admit that I am guilty of working late just because I dread coming home. It’s not healthy for any of us but I feel so stuck because he has nothing to support himself.

  • Teahna

    I have been in married to my husband for 6 years we have a beautiful 5 year old son who is my world. My husband slowly started to take control of everything in my life now I am at the point were all of my family lives clear acrossed the country and I have absolutely no friends I am actually scared to even try to make friends in fear of upseting him. He doesnt physically abuse me he has pushed me a few times but physically no he isnt. He controls everything even though I work fulltime I have no money since he takes it all when I get paid my husband makes 4 times more than me but he takes all of my money so I have nothing to use unless I ask him for funds and give him a good excuse for why I need it. I have to ask permission to go to the store and he checks grocery and shopping bags as well as reciepts whenever I go shoping to ensure I dont buy anything but what he allows the is when he actually lets me leave the house by myself and when I do he ensures that my son is with me at all times. Since he is always accuses me of cheating I have to literally walk with my head down and not say anything about my environment because he feels that out of respect if any man walks by I should not see them or make it look like I see them. He has accused me of cheating on him saying that I am addicted to looking at men even though I never do I am to scared to even look up from the ground to even look at someone by accident. I have no car and whenever I tell him that I want a divorce he threatens to take full custody of my son. The one good thing I can say is that he is a great dad he treats our son completely differently but when it comes to me he will yell at me and degrade me for leaving a wet rag in the sink instead of hanging it up. I feel hurt trapped and pissed at how he treats me. I know that I am a great woman I am smart loving and caring I work full time I take care of our home our son and I go to school but he calls me lazy even though all he ever does is go to work come home and sit on his ass. The horrible part is that even though he treats me this way I still love him and would be the happiest woman in the world if he would just love me the way I needed to be loved. But I know that this is probably a delusion and it will never happen. I want to leave so bad but with no money no car and a young son finding a way out is going to be hard. I do have a plan which is to slowly build my credit find a way to hide some money away so I can leave and get a car so I wont loose my job. I wish all of you the best and I know God is going to continue to watch over us all.

    • Jodi

      Reading your comment has tears to my eyes. It’s just amazing to see and know I’m not crazy and many other women is going through this same very thing. Having my son is a blessing and it’s more harder to leave but I will remain positive that it will happen. Married to him now for 12 years. He’s an officer in the navy going on 20 years. I will loose my benefit and he will be well off but I know I will have my sanity back. It’s hard without family or friends near by you know. I even find myself going crazy most days and have to remain strong for me almost 2 year old baby. I plan to get money when I grocery in cash back to Open me a saving account. He’s a great father but an abusive emotional and control man and I have suffered long enough. I’m 32 and I will not continue in this.

    • Markie

      I’m in a similar situation to yours.. Been in a relationship for 8 yrs. I’m only 23 and we have a 8 month old son. I don’t have a car because he’s lead me all over the place through our time together and I had to sell mine so we could have a place to live and stuff to eat. Now he knows he lead me through all kinds of shit and now he’s trying to make it up to me or something because he’s been going to work while I stay home with our baby.. He says I’m a good mother and he knows being with my baby makes me happy.. That being said.. It’s crazy our abusers are people there has got to be many other women who have seen their bf or husband be really ‘good’ to them.. However.. Back to the point where I said he put me through hell in the past.. I realized he never really took care of me only takes care of his damn self.. And what motivates me the most to leave him is that I don’t want my son to like him. He’s pushed me twice while holding the baby.. And he hit me when I was about to have the baby.. And when I was pregnant I walked my butt to work everyday And I PAID THE RENT. He gave his money to friends and spent it on drugs. Yeah. Now he says he wants to make it up but the man has zero motivation and hasn’t got up with the baby at all. He did a few times when the baby was around 3 months. Now he lazily lies in bed. And skips work. I am starting a full time job soon. And college. I plan on pretending to be happy with him and lying low to buy a car. Then saving to move. I’m giving the money to my mom so he can’t touch it. If I have to live in a shelter so be it. My family is werid. They wouldn’t take me before I had my son and nothing is different after. They are too caught up in their own stupid realtionships. Must of been where I got the idea to get in mine. This man turned me to do stuff I would never do.. Buy food stamps.. Live with people I hardly know.. To support his lifestyle. Not mine. It’s time I live life my way.

  • Laurie

    I don’t know of any charities that offer free or inexpensive cars to women who want to leave abusive relationships, but I encourage you to contact a women’s advocate in your community. Different cities, states, and provinces have different resources available to help women who need money to leave their husbands.

    A women’s advocate would know what is available in your area, and be able to help you dig up the help you need.

      • Jennifer Kour

        I would have to say that being a rich country that USA doesn’t really have too much to offer for women with children who wants to leave their abusive husband and a bad marriage. It is written on websites that you will get help from this place or that place but when you actually go to these places for help there is none. A women who takes care for her children can not work until her children are 5 years of age even then the children do not attend school full time. She have to beg her husband to send her children to daycare but it’s too expensive. She works at home cleaning and cooking while her husband sits on his ass at home because he is the one making money. She doesn’t have peace of mind because she is doing her job 24/7. There is very little chance for her to get out of this hell until her children starts to go to school. It is very difficult to find job because she was not working for so long and finds really pathetic jobs that pays nothing. I really think that this country really need to step up and do something for women like me. Having jobs with daycares, having daycares which do not cost arm and a leg. We want our kids safe and sound. I really feel that all having some sort of money Support even before filling for divorce so a women will not go into that hell hole again for financial problems.

  • Jordan

    I am 27 with a 7 year old and aa 2 year old. I left my oldest sons father when he was only 3 months and moved in with my parents. He was extremely abusive and i never wanted my son to feel scared, see him hurt me or possibly hurt my son. When i got pregnant the second time i planned on an abortion because i was still living with my parents and my boyfriend just started being verbally abusive and i actually broke up with him a week prior to finding out. He refused to help pay for an abortion and said he would change. I was right about the fact he wouldnt change and he doesnt seem to love his own son at all let alone my other son. My 7 year old is old enough to know when matt is in a bad mood and i ask him to go in his room and put on headphones but my 2 year old is witnessing all of the hostility and hears all the nasty things said about me. My car broke down for good finally and he refuses to get me a new one. He manages all the finances i dont have cent to my name and no way to get a job without a car. I need help! Does anyone know of any charities that give used cheap cars and offers help with getting a part time job? I want to be able to be on my own with my children safe and not learning to be abusive and angry like their fathers.

  • Laurie

    You have the courage and strength to share what you’re going through here…and that’s the first step towards getting money to leave your husband and take care of yourself! You may not be ready yet, but you will be ready one day.

    I wrote this article – 5 Secrets for Surviving When You Have No Money – for you:

    http://theadventurouswriter.com/she/how-to-survive-when-you-have-no-money/

    You are stronger than you think, smarter than you believe, and more courageous than you know. Do you believe this?

    xo
    Laurie

  • Dawn

    I have been married for 4 years with my husband. In the beginning of our relationship he seemed perfect, he doesn’t drink, party, or cheat. But later in our relationship I found out that he has a mental illness where he gets angry very easily. This has caused countless arguments.
    But by the time I found out about it I was pregnant with our first child and having complications.
    So I tried to make it work…But he kept manipulating me and threatening to leave me, emotionaly abused me, saying such things like, you are not worth living, you were a mistake, but just days later when he was nice again I mention it to him and he claimed he never said it??
    This has happened so many times but he always does or says something different that hurts me. I ended up pregnant again…But after months of him ignoring me and our growing baby in my womb and our 2 year old son…he finally called me and wanted to meet up…
    He got a hotel and sleeper with me, because he didn’t want me to know where he lived. At the very end of my pregnancy, when I only had a month left he took me back and we got a new apartment….Now our baby girl is 7 month and our boy is going to be three…
    He is still threatening to leave me..His problem is he can’t commit…I’m his 6th wife…
    I wish I wasn’t so blind to all of this for so long…
    But now I’m stuck…I can’t leave my husband because I have no money…I have no way…

  • DW

    Hi, I am in a weird situation. I am not going through domestic violence, but I am living a life since being with this man that I seem to be in a constant state of confusion. Every time I think he’s ok he does something that really offends, hurts me and makes me think about leaving him. We have been married almost 5 years now and the thing that seems to get me the most besides our financial hardships is he keeps getting my character or intentions wrong. He accuse me of things that is not even my character. I think to myself how can you spend so much time with me and don’t really know me? It really makes no sense. He is a veteran but he finds ways to stay unemployed or underemployed so we can’t buy a house with his VA loan, we have a complete family now with children, he doesn’t seem to want the best for them. It’s like he’s got some thought in his head and is opporating from it and if I dare find out what it is I would probably leave him right away. He is good at helping the kids get homework done, looking out for me in general, but when it comes to really doing for this family he is not motivated and I can’t understand that. What makes things really hard is that I am a black woman and there really isn’t any real support for women like me out there. I am judged harshly by society as it is and not supported. I noticed when other races of women are in bad predicaments people want to lend a helping hand (sometimes), but for black women they some how think that you deserve it, they don’t care or that you did something wrong. So a lot of black women suffer in silence. I really, really just don’t know what to do. Any suggestions? Thanks.

    • Victoria

      Hi DW. It is so interesting reading reading your comments as it seems so much like something I would have written. Except I am white.
      In fact, the very reason i am on this site is because of the way my man treats me, I keep thinking I should get out. He thinks that I am someone that I’m not. I don’t have friends or any support because I have allowed him to put me into this condition. And I have to constantly defend myself against accusations. I have been the main financial support and bill payer. And I have always come after his family.
      I have suffered alone in silence for many years now. I am not sure why you think it is a racial matter. I do not believe it is. I have always thought it is a male vs female matter. It just seems to me that unless both sides want it to work, and both work at it, it won’t. Communication between the sexes is very difficult. And this will work only if the two can get past self.
      I have searched and searched for help and not received from organizations. But I did find much help when I started to seek God. When I started praying a lot and reading the Bible and asking for help and understanding.
      But it is still very difficult when he doesn’t want the same thing. And I still don’t have hardly any human contact.

      • Lucy

        Victoria and DW…same here. No physical abuse (well, for the most part) but mental “games” like you describe. Gaslighting, emotional abuse, telling me I’m doing things that I am not doing, blaming me to justify his horrible actions, not contributing to the planning and well-being of the family and household, but insisting that he gets what he wants. He agrees to things, only to tell me later he’s changed his mind, or never agreed, or that I had done or said things I didn’t say or do. It’s like a total mind-screw. It takes time to figure it out. It causes distress, depression, embarrassment and more. Reading these things helps me to NOT question what I believe is happening, what i KNOW is happening. Typing this helps this to be be real for me too. I’m constantly questioning myself and my sanity. But that’s what he wants, right? I am sane. You are sane. We are strong. This is NOT RIGHT. I am making plans to leave.

        • Meg

          I think we see a lot of patterns of long-term issues here. We ask ourselves why and how did we walk ourselves into these situations? We want to know we aren’t the crazy our lives have made of us. We aren’t alone, but as the piece states, there are no easy answers. Sometimes the out doesn’t present itself until you’re ready to do the work.

          I grew up in an abusive household, thought I knew all the signs and symptoms and swore it would never happen again.
          Married military because I was military (already a single parent from abusive ex). The guy I married was the first person in my life who appeared to believe in me. I was SO taken!
          Got out to raise our kids during his deployments. Paid off his debt for him during first one (said it was his ex’s fault), and saved him many thousands the next. Never cheated, always showed support. Got a BA (so proud after being a small-town drop-out); but now, haven’t found any way to get a job with it.
          Now I have 12 years with someone who has systematically taken everything. Can’t have friends even call while he’s home. Two kids, college Dept, no family/friends, no car, not allowed to have money, can’t do anything without being told I’m wrong or weak. He plays mind games like a pro, and suddenly I realize he’s been doing them all along but I was too trusting. He’s thrown us into debt time and time again and won’t talk to me about it. Now, he’s even forced me to homeschool the kids because he wouldn’t take them to the school to get registered; even turned it into my fault.
          He also has stated many times he’d take the kids away – even has tried to turn them on me. With a daughter going to college soon, I can’t see leaving before that can happen.
          There are times I wonder if I’ll make it; then, I realize I must. Because to give up is not only giving in to him, letting him win, it’s also giving up on myself.

          BUT…with all that being said, everyone has come here looking for help. That, in itself, is the best step. The first. The moment you know, somewhere in you that you’re worth more. I’m proud because I haven’t given up. All of us should know that. Find the steps YOU need to take and GET OUT. You don’t deserve whatever you are suffering. Hang in there, and keep trying!

  • Rose

    I’m 53 years old. My husband screams at me for nothing. He only gives me a few dollars a month so I can buy shampoo and toothpaste. He forced me to work for him for the past 23 years. No pay check.. No social security paid in. I have nothing for retirement. He will not give money for groceries. He has to go to the grocery store on a daily basis to get the what he thinks we need. I hate him and the life he makes me live. I have no money. I want a real life. I want to leave him and start a life of freedom before I die. But.. There is no help to get away. I’m at the point that I’d rather be dead than live another day without some type of freedom.. Happiness..just want to work and be independent. I’ve worked as a paralegal for 23 years for him. I want a life. Or maybe he’ll just go ahead a kill me and I can have freedom then. There is no hope for me left.

    • Lynn

      Think outside the box. Do you file jointly? You may be able apply for a credit card or loan in your own name and wont need his signature. I have done this. I am by no means telling you debt is a great idea BUT if there is a choice between leavin abuse and a little debt, I will take debt. There are options to get help with debt BUT there is no help with an abusi e spouse. You can talk to a therapist, family, friend, etc but unless you’re bleeding, they leave the decision to you on how to help yourself. So do it

      • Justine

        Just take all the money out of his bank account or sell his stuff its yours too because you are married.one time my boyfriend stole money from me called the cops and they said it didnt matter because we lived together just sell all his crap dont kill yourself bc of that asshole we all die sooner or later might as well keep living til u die.

    • susan

      oh my and Amen!!! I am 54 and gave up everything I had left for Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde! Charming, caring, put me on a pedestal until I had nothing and he had control. Now every time I have anything that I bring up that he does that is inconsiderate ( like making me wait with dinner with no clue where he is) he says ” get the f #&% out!!!!! With no where to go I have been taking it . I would give the shirt off my back to help someone but you would think with family and friends I could get a lift up, but they only listen and say ” get out and good luck” What I wouldn’t do to leave today to be able to walk out and watch his head explode. It’s all about the control. I’m not even married to this piece of work but I am on a mission to be free. The only problem I see is my age. It’s hard to get work that pays enough to be on my own on top of having to get another car, security deposit, rent, insurance etc… SO overwhelming!!! Please don’t give up. Where a door closes a window will open!!! I’m right there with you sister!!!!

      • EJ

        Well I’m 63 and been married for 20 years. The last 10 has been horrible. I was stupid enough to remarry him after he cheated on me with someone young enough to be his daughter. He is bypolar which makes him go from happy, sad, to out right A – Hole. It got so bad that I put him out,& changed the locks. He was so out of control that he lived in his car and finally lived in the casino’s lounge. I guess I took him back cause I felt sorry for him even though he was mentally abusive. Now he drinks every day, hardly works, passes out on the sofa @ 5pm,every night. He is no longer a provider, mate, or companion. We are very close to being homeless. I’m tired of living this hopeless life but I don’t have the money to leave. I know having a plan and a road map to a new life is a great beginning. I’ve been there with 2 kids with my first husband who didn’t allow me to work. He was physical and mentally abusive and controlling. I wanted to die, in fact I did try to kill myself. But when I didn’t die, i got up and out of the hospital bed and got a NEW attitude. With no job experience, no money but what he gave me, I figured it out. It took me 5 years to get him out of my life. So I’m sharing this story with all the mothers that feel trapped and alone. You can do it. Keep the faith

      • K

        Im simply astonished at the sheer number of men who act this way. I was in the bank opening my personal account when the agent asked me what was wrong seeing my tear stained eyes and wow, wouldnt you know it shes been through it too. Too many people I meet say exactly the same story and its such a quiet national shame that always ends up swept under the rug. I empathize completely. Wish i knew how to do more.

    • Hd45471565

      I am in a similar situation. I am 40 and have been with my boyfriend for 15 years. I “work” for him but receive no paycheck. He says i dont need a psycheck since he pays all my bills. He stays out all night, cheats, goes to strip clubs and just treats me like the help. I have two older kids that aren’t his and a 3 yr old who is.
      I basically run his company for him because he is too busy spending time with his strippers to do it himself.
      I have access to his bank accounts but he threatens me with arrest if I take out more than what I need to pay bills or run the company.
      Is he able to press charges if I just take the money and run?

  • Amber

    Well, I’ve been married 5 years& was forced to leave the place we had. I recently got hit by a truck on my bicycle so I can’t work right now. I always gave all the money I made to my husband, ALWAYS. He has a better job now& throws every penny he spends on me in my face. Because I couldn’t help support us financially we lost my childhood home I have lived in my whole life. 30years of things I had to go through alone was traumatic enough. He is an alcoholic& verbally abused me pretty much everyday. He also hit me. Beat me while I was still having trouble walking& using a cane. I lied for him, kept it a secret as much as I could. It didn’t matter what I did I was wrong,stupid,useless& every other awful thing you can say to someone who you claim to love. He forced me out with nowhere to go,not a dime to my name& completely broken. I’ve never had to depend on anyone before.it’s totally new to me. In the last 8 months I’ve gotten run over& almost died,lost the only home I’ve ever known,had my father choose his new wife over me & been left by the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Everyone is telling me I’ve done the right thing but it doesn’t feel right. I’m beside myself. But at the same time I know it would have continued if I stayed& it’s better this way. I was always fiercely independent& he broke me down.that’s not what a truly healthy relationship does. I’m only 29 so I know I can start over. Things just look so bleak right now& I guess I just wanted to share my awful experience so it might help someone get out before the abuse gets out of hand. I have no idea what I’m going to do or how things will turn out but I think this is the bottom for me so I can only go up right?

    • Joan

      Oh my, I am so sorry for the pain u r going thru right now-and not to sound callous- but I am very glad this is a recent comment about how to get money to leave your husband – so that I might be able to tell u something of use in good time…!?
      **Beautiful beginnings are sometimes disguised as painful endings**- so if yours is something to go by then u have a lot to look forward to!
      This is a biggy and the universe never dishes out more than u can handle.
      Try and analyse the meaning behind these events without emotion- when u can- and synchronicity can help u flow in the right direction. Also keep an eye out for messages / guidance from your “guardian angels” or whatever u might call it/them – like messages on number plates, repeating numbers, animal encounters…and remember they cannot help if u do not specifically ask / allow it. No, I’m not a kook-it’s just a suggestion-if it’s not for u that’s ok – but it won’t hurt either! Wishing u a fabulous life! xox

  • Dee

    Iam in an abusive marriage also seems like a lot of us Women is going thru this today its been 9 years i ive been Married n it’s been nine years of pure hell!! the problem is my husband doesn’t talk to me at all it’s call the silent treatment.The worse kind of abuse a woman can go thru .just imagine being in a house with a man n he toatlly ignores u dont tells u Nothing!! At All Iam also in the process of leaving but not financially able now but believe in Name of Jesus i will leave soon trying to get help from organization n my Family members

    • Lucy

      Hi Dee – My husband does this too. The silent treatment for weeks and months on end. If I try to broach a subject I am met with a verbal assault about all this stuff that I do and he won’t stand for and I basically can’t get a word in edgewise even thought he acts like he’s having a two way conversation, talking for me and then yelling at me at the answers he just spoke on my behalf. The silent treatment is the ultimate abandonment. Our marriage counselor then looks at me and asks what my role is in all of this. Really?! It’s appalling. I fantasize about leaving. How is it that so many men are like this?

  • Amy

    I’m writing this post locked in the bathroom. He’s knocking on the door and just tried to take the door nob off. I wish I could say that he was beating me but he’s not. He’s nice and kind and gentle and all that at times– he’s the one who got me out of my abusive situation with my narcissistic family who bullied me and scapegoated me from birth. He found out about narcissism and helped educate me on it. We realized together that his father was also a sadistic narcissist, although not physically and sexually abusive like my family. His abuse was all mental, and that’s what he is doing to me. I can’t take the emotional and psychological abuse anymore. I’m just trying to start over, live my life, and be happy again. I’m 26 years old and despite the hell that I went through being the daughter of 2 cult leader sociopaths, I’ve never stopped believing in myself and in my dreams and because of this I’ve had so many incredible opportunities and am starting a career for myself as a creative director and fashion stylist. I’m so close to landing my dreams and supporting myself I can feel it!! Even despite social anxiety, crippling ptsd, barely any money I’ve made the most of what I’ve had my entire life and there are miracles all around me. I’ve been with my husband for 6 years, married for 1. It’s such a long story, he used to be an alcoholic and stopped drinking. He improved himself and lost a bunch of weight. Our relationship got better. But I don’t know if it’s good enough. He controls all the money, I can barely work because like I mentioned above I broke through amnesia and Stockholm syndrome 9 months ago to realize I had been spiritually, ritually, sexually, emotionally, etc. (all forms!) abused by my parents. We moved to the city and away from them right after, so I could work towards my dreams and heal. So here I am healing but I realize now he is like them too. I can’t even trust my own sister because she is/was abusing me too. Literally EVERYONE in my life has abused me in horrific ways, I don’t mean to have the victim mentality but I see it now. I don’t know what I am going to do, but I believe in all these miracles I have manifested literally OUT OF NOWHERE. So somehow I am going to manifest my way out of this. I am going to start a fund to help other women in similar situations. Thank you all for reading this scattered message. Peace be with you all.

    • Suzi

      I would like to be your friend. I have never experienced the things you have, but I have my own story -as I guess we all do- and I am also alone and stuck with a controlling abuser. I have been with mine a lot longer -partly because I kept bouncing between him and my equally toxic mother. We also have kids -who don’t want me to leave him- which complicates everything, believe me. Like so many women I know the biggest mistake that I have made is not leaving sooner. Yes, it’s hard with young children, but looking back, it would have been a lot easier when they didn’t have opinions about it and before I had this guilt of letting them see this and learn from their father. Now I have the added depression of feeling old and letting him take away the best years of my life. You may feel that your life is bad right now, but maybe this will help a little -you have some things that I wish I could have. You are young. You have been with him a short time and have no children together, you made it to the city and you have the world and your dreams at your fingertips. Get out, get away -don’t look back. Get well first, if you have to, but DON’T GET PREGNANT. Personally, I think that you would heal faster in your own little place, working toward your dreams. I would LOVE to be able to do that, AND YOU ARE RIGHT THERE! You can almost touch it. Don’t let him steal your dreams and life from you. You are not alone 🙂

  • K

    Its insane to think so many woman are going through this. Im terrified of leaving. I have no job. Two kids with him. He’s a disable veteran who was wounded in Iraq. Im 26. Ive stood by him through everything and Im to the point I cant do it anymore… Ive stuck around for soo long just for my children. Im so unhappy and I dont know how to leave. Im scared of losing my children he threatns he’ll take them! I dont think he can. He has no reason he could other than hes the father. Im not an unfit parent. Im just scared he could get them and they’re my world! Im scared of going through a messy divorce. I dont know what that’s like.. I dont know anything about it.. I need help. Guidance.. Something. I dont wanna do this anymore! Im tired… Soooo tired of suffering and soo tired of fighting every single day with him. Hes not the same person I married. And honestly the feelings just arent there anymore… Anyone have any suggestions? Advice??

    • Anon

      Im going thru it now, need money to leave my husband. 17 yrs of marriage to a bipolar narcissist who was an illegal – he threatened to take the kids to mexico n Id never see them again. if ur telling the truth, the parenting investigator in court WILL listen. They can tell. Its a long road, but better poor but safe.just dont do any wrong or illegal things, no matter how much he pushes n threatens you, stay in a church support group, even if you dont feel like it, keep going…keep going….be honest – tell your fears…it will come out in your favor.

  • Emerald

    I need help, I’m 29 and married to a complete narcissist we have 7 children 5 biologically mine and he controlls everything and everyone I need out but I have nothing No job no friends no family because he’s made it so. My oldest is a teenage girl who is becoming more aware of the bad situation and a little depressed her self about it. I really need to get away from this situation I’m hurting all of the time I don’t even want to get out of bed 90 percent of my day. I’ve tried to find help locally but I’m constantly told there’s no funds for me and I know if I can just get the money for an apartment I can make my life and my children’s lives better. I wish there was some help for me I don’t want to live this way anymore I want to live happy with my kids so bad it hurts!

  • A

    Well, it makes me feel a little better knowing I am not the only person who stays in a relationship just for the simple fact that I don’t know how to leave. Yet, on the other hand, it is terrible knowing there are so many people out there that are like this. I am 34, I have been married 10 years. I honestly feel like I have been pushed to the point of hating him. We have 3 kids, the oldest is not his biologically he has raised her from birth. Now that she is a teenager, she is beginning to see the things that I go through. In the beginning he was a little controlling, but I brushed it off. Then it progressed. He was allowed to have friends and family, but I was not. With three small children, at the time, he would leave and go out with friends all hours of the night. I would stay home with the kids. I am not one to really “go out” ever. I don’t want to drink, I have never done drugs, it just isn’t really my thing. I also enjoy having my kids with me. I like to do things with them involved. He eliminated all of my friends and alienated MOST of my family. Over the years, I got lonely and created a Facebook page. He did not want me to do this, but eventually he caved and “allowed” it. I reconnected with some friends and made some new ones (coworkers, etc) and he “friended” them as well. I had a few family members and friends who wanted to try to get together. See me, see the kids, etc. I never ever once made plans with any of them without including him. I always invited him and asked him to come with me. He forbid it. He would NOT allow it for one minute. We share a car, and anytime I had plans to do something he would leave and force me to cancel my plans. He has now gotten to a point of not allowing a relationship with HIS family. Claiming that if I am close to his sister we will just talk bad about him. So, he doesn’t want me to talk to his sister anymore. Any person I become friendly with, he cuts them out of our lives and doesn’t allow it. He is not involved in the kids at all. He claims he loves them and cares for them. Yet, he won’t go to their school performances. He won’t be involved in homework, conferences, nothing. He treats my daughter the way he treats me. Everything that goes wrong, a drink is spilled, something breaks, etc it is ALWAYS my fault or her fault. He calls me EVERY single name you can think of in front of the kids. He wonders why none of us ever want to be in the same room with him. We have all gotten to where we just do not like him. His whole presence is just negative and mean. He is a hermit now and refuses to really do anything at all. He won’t play with the kids, he won’t go out to dinner, etc. On Easter this year we went to his families house for a huge Easter get together. It was the most fun I have had in a really long time. The entire time we were there he gave me evil looks telling me he wants to leave. Then come to find out later that two of his uncles were sitting in the living room talking VERY perverted about me. He was there in the room, and he was condoning it. Someone else in the family texted me that night and told me about it. He was talking about me like that as well. I am not even a person to him. I am an object I guess. I gained some weight, I am normally a very small frame. I got up to about 130 pounds. He would constantly tell me how fat I was. I have recently started dieting and eating healthy and working out. Not because of him, because of my own self esteem. I have lost about 15 pounds. I am feeling better and I think looking better. NOW he insults me telling me I look like a drug addict and that I am too skinny. Nothing I ever do is good enough for him. The difference between myself and some of the other women I see that are in this kind of abusive relationship is this: I don’t feel down about myself. I do not feel like a victim I do not feel like he has torn down my self esteem. I feel more pissed off than anything. I know I am a good mom. I have been a good wife to him for years. I have always had my own job, money, etc. He is NOT allowed to mess with my self worth! Here is where I may seem to contradict myself. I am stuck. While I may have a good job, and a little extra money. I do not have my own car, and I do not make enough to support myself and three kids all alone. I don’t know what else to do. I feel stuck until the children are older. Then what?! There has to be answers. I have called shelters and other things you can do. None of these programs help a WORKING mother. I do not know what to do. I have been looking for answers for years, and I come up with nothing. I sympathize with every single one of you. He doesn’t deserve you. You are better than him, and your kids are better than him. When the time comes and a way comes along all of us will be where we need to be. Just keep your heads up and know that there are answers out there, maybe we just aren’t asking the right questions?

  • DgP

    I turned 26 20 days ago and I was mesmerized by a man 15 years my senior almost 4 years ago. All the promises of the wonderful life he’d give me, All the things and memories we could make and do together.
    Instead I got a man who controls my every move. I’m not allowed to have friends or money. I have no family and even though there isn’t much help for women with children, this had been even more obvious by the replies to this article, I have no children and I can tell you from experience there is NO help out there for women without them. If I leave I’ll be homeless, penniless, no vehicle, and since I haven’t been allowed to work and was not aloud to finish school, per his orders even though I was already part way through and enrolled when we married, it’s almost impossible to find legitimate work. So basically I feel the world has left me with the most appealing option of burger flipping, if I’m “lucky”, and living in some group home where I get to be the victim everyone wants me to be and that’s a role I refuse to play. I have Jesus even though he’s never supported that either but it just feels like there is no out. I feel sometimes short of death this hell on earth is the fate I’ve been doomed too. And I also agree with the earlier comment can collections and coupons won’t save me. He may not hit me but I think some times it would be much better than the mental, emotional, and financial abuse and control is far worse. I’ve been physically abused on occasion by him but it’s my fault either I “start” it or I have a “history” so he has a right. Atleast those marks heal. I’m at the point I think there isn’t anything to save me. I damn sure can’t find any means of help since there isn’t any programs and with no fam and since he’s been so successful at alienating me from anyone and everyone I guess this is my own personal hell.

    • Jodi

      I was in your situation without a job and no kid. I always like medical office jobs so I volunteered at one for a good while to Build up credential and a resume. I now have a son with him and wish I had gotten out before this cuz it complicates leaving. It’s harder with kid or kids. Take use of this please.

  • Wendy

    Wow I can’t believe there is so many of us going thru the same, I feel that we are f**kd from birth.
    This is extremely sad.
    When you have children/illness/nor carrier/no family is really very difficult to get out.
    Let’s be realistic, selling some cans and clothing here and there won’t be enough for rent or food or anything, life is so extremely expensive, If we struggle married, single your practically doomed to live in poverty, wich is the reason why most of us can’t freaking leave.
    Im sick of this pos, I wish I had some family to help me out, I have two lil boys and a girl on the way, I’ve been very ill, I don’t want my kids in a shelter, I’ve heard very bad stories.
    This is just too difficult and painful.
    It would be nice if we could all make a group so we can talk to each other about our situation, I’ll leave my email in case anyone feels like talking
    wendy_bluecookie at hotmail.com

    • Anon

      I know you believe youre not getting affected by him… but you are. A woman who wasnt abused would NOT put up for even two minutes of what is going on. She’d leave. Im no income and stuck with an abuser with LOTS of income. Id leave if I was able. But he is still allowed to see the kids under supervision – its still breaking me down inside, and Im still not free. Im broken inside…I see healthy free non abused women and theyd never put up with what I have to and do…I dont know how to get free of him, but still let the kids be with him & also abused?? No way….so I go with to the visits….Just stuck….and still no money….

    • K

      This is the truest most on point and articulate description of my life i have ever heard. I agree with you and know what we are up against. The nearly impossible task of getting blood from a stone. I feel like i threw my life away on someone who took it and destroyed it. I have two degrees and skills but i dont even believe that can help. And honestly i dont see how i can even get a job i am such a nervous wreck. I used to have confidence, dreams and ambition. What tf happened to me???

  • allie

    I recommend trying online surveys if you want to get money to leave your husband. Mint vine is my favorite because I have made the most money from it. The longer you stick with it, the more money you make. I have been a member for 8 months and I only do about 3 surveys a day and I still average about 30 dollars a week which adds up quickly for minimal effort.

  • Catherine

    I’ve read through a lot of these comments, and for the most part many are really good. But let’s face some cold hard facts. It’s hard to leave an abusive partner when you have no money. Yes everyone, feel bad for you, yes there are many agency out there to lend a hand. But the simple fact is many of these programs are geared towards keeping you a victim mindset. You’ve left, what are your options? A shelter? Counseling? A shoulder to cry on. What about the woman that is fed up with being a victim and just wants to get on with her life? What about the lady that wants to pack up and get as far away from the jerk as she can, does not want to languish in a shelter while they hum ha, let’s talk about it, poor poor you!!! That sucks! Where are the organizations that give true financial help in getting the hell out and staying out. How about FUNDS!!! Real funds!!!! For a Uhaul, gas money, hotel fare, and food money, and rental deposit for when she gets where she is going. That’s real! That’s help. And of course we will hear, well many of them go back and that would be a waste of our funds. Really? If she is crazy enough to return after getting a real opportunity to get out. Make her and the jerk she returns to financially responsible to return the grant or loan as it were. But don’t keep punishing those of us who truly want out and just lack the funds to do so.

    • pj

      Catherine!!! This is what I am dealing with right now. SAM for 20 years. Husband mentally and financially abusive. Everyone wants to hear my sad story…but no one wants to help with REAL FUNDS. So I am stuck here until I raise enough funds to get out. Secretly working to build my nest egg until I can break free. Thank you so much for expressing what is REALLY happening to scores of women everywhere .

    • Crista

      Yes Catherine you are right bcuz I am guilty of it myself! I have left numerous in my 17 year marriage to have no other choice but to come back. There was even one time that he gave me the money to leave but of course it wasn’t near enough. I am just so hurt and confused as to how someone can be so immuned to love and its surroundings. Did he really just not know that I was down sick when he got totally pissed at me for the kitchen being dirty? Really? Does he truly “just not know” or “understand” what his duties are as a husband, although I have even gone over them with him 1001 timeS? While he sits, staring at me NEVER saying a word. Then coming up with a reason to leave my presence. It all began 2 years into our marriage. When I realized it then… I knew then… It was over! I asked him if we could please just divorce so that he could find someone to make him happy and so we didn’t put the kids through hell. He refused. Oh things have worsened. I am now in the worst depressed state I have ever been in, he hasn’t helped me with any of my goals or dreams so I have NOTHING, so I’m STUCK!! I have diseases and conditions and must have insurance which he supplies from his work and I have no job, no money, and I’m not allowed to spend his money. Therefore, I’m screwed! I am working on a solution to my problem tho and I think I almost have it!!! I wish everyone the best of luck!! I know this is the saddest most hurtful depressing thing I have ever gone thru. It has completely been my life for 15 years, I have been begging him to love me!! Well, I’m sorry to say, I cannot do it any longer! I hope God will forgive me, I seriously cannot go on this way!! I cannot see someone I dearly love this unhappy any longer!!!

        • Sammi

          I’m 29 and on my 11th year of marriage, 12th year together. 3 have 3 kids. I’ve never had a job, he was in the military for 7 years of our marriage and working didn’t make much sense. Now he loses his jobs left and right and we are always broke. He tells at me and tells me that I ruined his life and that I don’t do enough. Even though social services said it didn’t make sense for me to work, it would all go to childcare. No way to leave.. no money, no family…. no choice. As much as it sucks, it seems like a better option to stay and know we have a roof over our heads, than to walk away with nothing, no job experience.. no money. It’s impossible to leave once you have been committed to not working for so long. I’ve been called so many names… I don’t expect much from him, just for him to do as he promised and provide for us. Because I cant. He’s not capable of handling the house and kids. Something he’s made clear over the years.

    • Claudia

      Hi..O yah..I’ve been in this cycle for 24 Yrs..I’ve lost My Career..My Health My Pets.. He Ruined My Credit and now I’ve Been Living in a Bedbug Roach Motel for the last Three Yrs because We We’re Evicted.. I’ve been to so many Agencies..and they don’t Help worth Shit unless Your willing to jump through all their legal hoops. file OP against Him..do the whole Police n Court Routine. They wouldn’t even give Me a free Bed when I was sleeping on the floor for years..I live in Chgo..Rents for Studio Aot.are zoo expensive and I have 2 little dogs and shitty credit..Maybe Sec8 or HUD but it’s hard because I’m a 56 Yr white woman with no kids. I’m so sick n sleep deprived cause this Asshole drinks every nite n keeps Me Up so I can’t even function or get a job or even do normal Appt s from 8-6pm..Its a Long waiting list for Sec 8 Housing 5-10 Yrs..I applied for Medical n SSI n Food Card but it’s so Minimal I can’t even pay the Rent for a Studio and let’s talk about Owning a Car or Car Repairs or Emergency Vet IR other unexpected problems..Reality is having a regular source of Income…Who wants to live in a Shelter?? How much more humiliation does One need..U are Spot on !! Real Money to Move out of State and even Supporting an Aot.for 6 months realistically because Unemployment is another reality for women in their 50s.We need work skills n $$$..Our Government spends billions on war machines rather than Woman trying to just start over at Midlife.. Il Pray for U and Ur a strong Woman.. Me too..Use all if Your good resource Friends..also for help..I wish I got out Years ago before My Life became a living Hell..I don’t even have a honeymoon cycle He’s Just nonstop Abusive. Rageaholics Alcoholic.. Have to remember Who I was before I met Him which was a Beautiful Calm Peaceful loving Woman.All I feel is dissention n Evil towds this Man.of My Bad Karma..turned Me soo Bitter from My True Self..I will somehow someway escape this Year no matter what.

    • Meg

      You are right. My story is ironic. My career was spent as the director of a domestic violence & sexual assault agency…I later married a defense attorney. He turned out to be a horrific abuser. It really can happen to anyone. He is well respected. My story is like everyone else’s…its hard to write about. I am so trapped, its like prison…there is no help at all. He is very powerful. Everyday I spend jn a state of anxious confusion…knowing he will kill me soon. He is a monster, that everyone loves. I used to run dv shelters, so I know they are out of the question. I also know that he volunteers for our local one…bc he is such a ‘nice guy’…and we would never be safe there anyway. I wish I had something better to say. I began my career bc I truly wanted to help women…and thought I could.

  • Hope4us

    Wow.. with all the comments on this page, just imagine what all of us could do for each other, together if that were possible. It is so sad and disheartening to see so many people having such similar horrible circumstances. And I can relate, since i want desperately to take my young son and myself out of our current situation and don’t have a clue how I possibly can.

    • MaryB

      It is sad, but it helps to see others in the same boat. I promise you, if I ever get the opportunity, I want to start a grant fund for victims of emotional and financial abuse.

    • Victoria

      I am having the same thoughts as I scroll through all of these comments. It’s all so sad. I had no idea that the agencies were not very helpful. I never tried because I figured they only help people who have children. But the way it sounds from the comments, they are not doing the right things to help. Surely, those who have been through the system should be a part of the planning process for these agencies.

  • D

    I am 26 I have three kids ages 7,3 and 2 years old. My boyfriend is 31. I have been in this relationship for 8 1/2 years but not married. I met him when I was 18 and I first moved in with him after not being together no longer than six months because he gave me a black eye “on accident” which was the first time he introduced me to his father. While living there we fought physically almost everyday and always have accused me of sleeping with other people even until this day because when we met I was talking to someone else. Fast forward, we been through so much stuff but when he is in a good mood all is well, but when he get in his accusation mood I turn into a baby and non stop crying. He call me a hoe and I should get paid, he tells me I have sex with our neighbors his co workers the stranger across the street or if I even look at anyone. He calls me a b***h, but then says sorry for everything when he’s done and says he loves me and wants to be with me forever and doesn’t ever want me to leave and he didn’t mean that stuff and only said it because he’s mad and doesn’t trust me. He gives me mixed emotions. I feel like I’m always sad and unhappy. I do everything besides take care of us financially. I go to school full time and stay home with my two youngest everyday all day, pickup my daughter to and from school everyday, cook, clean, do laundry just everything for him and this family, I’m loyal faithful and dedicated but yet I get treated like crap. I have no job, no car, no money to leave. Where do I go….I’m scared I want to leave but then I don’t want to leave because my kids. He tell my kids “mommy want to take you away from me” and my 7 year old understands that. Even something as silly as starting my period I feel like I have to tell him when I start because if I don’t I’ll get in trouble. Like it always starts an argument and turns into I’m pms because Ima Seeing someone else, why r u singing that song who are u thinking about, what are u doing on your phone, why is your phone beeping and I say because my emails then he says who’s emailing you. Everything I do everything I am is wrong for home but then he says he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me and wants to see me do good. He has my mind confused and hurt. Idk what to do. He makes me feel like everything is my fault every single thing. I can recall many times things he has done to me. We had an altercation after him accusing me and healing in front of my kids at me
    He charged at me while I was cooking and I had a knife and I cut his chest a little bit then he charged me to the couch by my neck choking me in front of my 3 kids and niece and nephew. I no everyone says just leave just leave its not easy. I have no place to live other than with him and no car to get anywhere to leave to. I have many more stories and sometimes I feel if it wasn’t for my kids I probably would have committed suicide already.

    • Terri

      I know the feeling. Been 13 years for me. 2 kids later. Left him numberous times but always come back. The last time I left him he stalked me for months. I feel hopeless. I don’t like that he calls me names in front of our kids. I don’t want them to think its ok. My dad abused my mom.. Probably why I’m here in this situation today. He yells at me for the dumbest stuff. Belittles me everyday. I did try to kill myself once. He doesn’t know that. I told him recently I want to leave and I can’t do this anymore. He threatened to kill himself. Today was his birthday.. His parents took us out to dinner. At the end of dinner the baby wouldn’t stop crying. I kept asking if we could go. He had a beer left and his dessert on the way. He ingored my comments about leaving for awhile.my baby is tired and crying. He finally agrees to leave then drills into me in the parking lot. Saying I ruined his birthday again like every yr. that I’m lazy and don’t take care of the kids… Both my kids were w us. I sat in silence the whole drive home. I have no self esteem. I lost myself. I’m so lonely. I’m beyond depressed. i tried telling him i was depressed and was thinking of getting on anti depressants. he tells me no. i dont need “drugs”. i just need to take care of myself. i think about taking the pills and hiding it from him. Sometimes I wish I never would have had kids w him but I love my kids so much. If it wasn’t for my kids I would have killed myself by now. I just wish I could get away from him.go somewhere he can’t find me.

    • Janet

      Wow why does this sound so familiar? How is it possible that MOST men are like this? Then they call US insecure?! It is sad that im here reading this because that means im not alone. I have a almost 3yo and ive been with this guy for 14 yrs nx month. I think at this point im more angry at myself. I left him for 2 months and he managed to make me feel like i was still stuck and i ended up coming back to the house. He got my mom (were i was staying) evicted by calling the code expection on my moms place where we later found out wasnt legally rentable. I had no choice but to come back. Because like many have said here , it better to hv a roof over our childs head. He already has 3 DV charges and is going to trial to fight it. I feel so soo stupid for coming back because his promises of change where short lived. Loke many of you I have no job no money and to top it off he’s home EVERYDAY since feb due to a auto accident he had. He suffers with epileptic seizures and even LIKE THAT hes still a monster in my eyes. I find myself full of hate for him all i wanna do is run away. But with a small child, no money, no car …..thats very hard 2 do. We had cps come and i even protected him out of fear that if he got in trouble it would come back 2 me. I have an anxiety disorder thanks to his abuse over the years and he knows how to trigger my anxiety and then plays the ” you’re mental ” card. He used to drink but stopped after a motorcycle accident he had in 2012 and he was doing better amd one day in 2015 he was laid off due to his employer suspecting he was using drugs on the job. His own mother told me she believed he was using drugs …come to later find out that she KNEW he was using but just wanted to “hint” it to me so that it was (I) who discovered it. And sure enough i found the damn meth ! And all this time ive kept it from others. I didnt think he was so into it . But hes a lost cause. Hes still using but refuses to admit it. I hope god forgives me but i dont understand why hes still here . I hurt myself for thinking like that. But this man such shows me he dont wanna be alive. 2 accidents later a beautiful son , our 1st home , his seizures and yet he still rather waste it all away on meth! I ask myself why has god allow this to go on? But i know its not god. It is ME! Why must we feel so trapped? Im going to escape this life. Idk how much ima find a why to leave this year. Enough is enough. Thank you ladies for sharing your story. I wish u all the best and pray we all find courage, and guidance on how to move fwd with this part of our lives. God bless.

    • LL

      He is destroying your children’s lives, call cops, go to the nearest hospital! File for a restraint order against him immediately!!! Nothing will get better unless you do something about this!!! HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU OR YOUR CHILDREN! LEAVE NOW!!! If you need to set up a detailed plan, how to leave him, contact me now at
      Dearmom-org@outlook.com Please for the sake of your children’s lives.

  • Nithya

    Hello all dears,happy Christmas. I am well educated but unemployed 33 yr old with 21/2 yr marriage with an it senior manager.I have had issues communicating,expressingy views and have been dealt with sneers and putdowns.I came to know he gets very angry rarely and smashes things in a rage.I was seeing a psychologist 6 months into our living together and stopped it due to his constant in approval of the treatment and in cooperation.but thanks to the doctor,I patiently worked to stand up my feet and am now close to startingy own massage business and also found I can take tuitions for children here in Sydney.originally from India.days back I came across a book on abuse by Beverly Engel and found it very helpful.title is “breaking the cycle of abuse”. It says how you were bought up influences how u choose your partners.you tend to choose a person close to your abuser to help the occasional realisation of betrayal in life from early on which can be very depressing.I found why I took all the verbal abuses and how I was a silent girl all the time(people would call me shy but intelligent).it was true I was afraid of confrontation.I did not search for jobs like I should have to avoid people,failed to establish a career because of low self esteem and stood for the snide remarks fooling myself that I am hiding myself by ignoring them.I feel too unstable in this marriage and can’t talk about this to parents since I think I was also influenced by one or both of them.I feel safer than most of u here.so sad hearing physical abuses.I have retaliated due to verbal putdowns etc.so am guilty of attacking him too
    But learned the lesson now that working silent and not giving to anger is better.great to have this website.thanks to the owner .thanks to all of u here sharing stories I feel relieved.To better days. ….. a toast.

    • Nithya

      Just as I reported his anger issue,we had an incident the night before when he has banged our bedroom door open so that it has come out of its hinges.When I called over his sister,he says I want to show off all what has been done to me and to gain pity.I wait patiently before going to police not wanting to spoil his career.this March he hit me badly that I still have neck pains.Can I give him another chance?I don’t know.

  • Teresa

    I have been married for 5 1/2 years…..together for 7 1/2…..prior to meeting him I worked two full time jobs for almost 17 years, just to be able to support myself…I always dreamed of returning to school but the money was tight and so was my available time to put in what it took to get “A’s” to get into a good program and allow me to gain a better job. When I met my husband thru some friends, he seemed perfect for me, we had the same dreams and likes….at 36 yrs old I thought I had found the one made just for me. We became engaged a year 1/2 later with all the dreams I thought we were going to obtain, children, 2-3, names picked out and everything! When I dropped my one full time job and my classes to help plan and pay for the wedding, he began “obsessing” about me going back to school as soon as the wedding was over and he really was pushing for me to go into nursing, something I definitely did NOT want to do. But because he is well educated with an excellent paying job, I listened to his advice but all along kept saying “I really don’t want to be a nurse”. I wanted us to open up a checking and savings account before the wedding and he said we would after the wedding. Well that still hasn’t occurred and I now have been told it’s his money and non of my business.

    I wait on him, handle all of his medical issues and bills, etc. this time also allow some time to think about what I really want for a career. Nursing is not and never has been but I didn’t it because of him and I wanted to be a good wife. I applied for OTA at the near by community school and was accepted. It’s a two year program and I love it but again it is very demanding. By the time I am done I will have been unemployed for 4 years. Told my husband when I am done I’m thinking about doing traveling work because the money seems good and I have a lot of catch up to do, retirement, student loans to pay off and I want to buy a little home in the country. My husbands response was “well if you do that then we are done I guess”…..I just burst into tears and haven’t been able to stop crying since the other day. I have done everything I possibly could to try to make this work, including going thru two years of hell in a career he wanted me to do, not me and to get NOTHINGin return. He refuses to even talk about finances with me and will never share accounts with me he said, said he doesn’t want kids because I yell to much (which is NOT true) and said he will fix up the house when he has time but he’s not buying a house because I do not contribute and I’m lazy and don’t want to get a job. When I asked him what it is he thinks I do he said “You go to school and take care of your father, big deal, get a job and contribute!”……I just am at my breaking point and asked him to please file for divorce, I have $3 left in my checking acct and that is all I have to my name and can’t afford it, but he can! (He makes close to $100,000 a year). He said my student loans are my responsibility and not his and he’s not helping with payments (although EVERY time we are with his family he acts all living and says every time how he’s going to start helping pay down my student loans).

    I don’t have the money to go to counseling so here I am today on this website PRAYING someone can offer some guidance and words of wisdom….I feel I have done all kinds of research and read books on how to make a marriage better but I feel like I’m knocking at a door that my husband refuses to hear. Even my tears he just stares and me and I can see he tunes out. Then walks away and speaks sweetly to the dogs(at least he is sweet to them which they deserve and I am grateful for)…..I just don’t know how much more of this I can take…

  • J

    Collecting cans? Really? That list is a joke. How the hell isthe 6-8 bucks a month that list provides going to help any one get away from an abusive spouse?

    • Lierre B.

      I agree. I need to leave an abusive relationship…from a spouse who hasn’t even looked for a job in over 3 years. I have serious problems with my heart and I am no longer able to work. I do not qualify for help from the government (or so they say). Picking up cans and clipping coupons are not going to pay Dr. bills or for the medication I need. What about a home, heat, and food? I am at my wits end, and without family or friends to help, I am literally scared out of my mind.

    • Catherine

      Ain’t it the truth!!!! This is what I am talking about J. It is humiliating enough that one must suffer abuse from the one that professes to love her, and then must be degraded further by picking up cans!!!!! My Lord!!!! We need real programs with REAL FUNDING. Given to the victim to vacate and stay gone!!!! This means money to move, money to settle. U hauls, gas money, food money, rental deposits. Nobody says they have to put it in her hand. Pay uhaul, give her an exxon gift card to make sure she makes it to where she is going. Then give her a week or so stay in a shelter while she looks for a place to stay and then pay the damn deposit on the place!!! If she is weak and goes back after all that help. Make sure she signs a legal document that says she and the abusive jerk must return all the funds received. Oh, they won’t pay. That why there is garnishee.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    I’m sorry for what you’re going through – but I do “tip my hat” at your bravery! It takes a lot of courage to be honest about your marriage, and your wish to leave your husband. Of course, not having money to leave him puts a huge stumbling block in front of you.

    What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

    If you have nowhere to go, read What to Expect at a Women’s Shelter or Safe House. Reaching out for help may be your best option, even if it’s the most difficult one.

  • Latoya

    I have been in an abusive marriage for 6 years. I was 25 when I got married. I have 2kids and one that is not his. I have been smacked bitten and had items thrown at me and yogurt thrown in my face my car has been damaged. I am feed up and biding my time for income tax refund. I am afraid that once I get my refund he will try to take it or sabotage my money so will have to stay. I know by reading these comments he is a sicko. I will stand strong and get out for me and my kids so sad he can not change for himself he is a non working abuser and will surely rep what he has sown thank god for wisdom and peace that surpasses all understand read the bible spiritual healing first Jesus will build you up from there.

    • Tish

      Been reading this thread and can relate to a lot of women here. I’m married with 5 children. My husband and I have been existing in a loveless, sexless marriage for half of our marriage. I’m a stay-at-home (at his request after I confronted him about a suspected affair), homeschooling mom (with his approval and encouragement). I left a promising career based on his promises to take care of me and the kids without fail. He recently had to close his small business in January so our income took a big hit which added all the more stress on our marriage. I have no job, no degree, but am in the process of starting a business that could potentially provide much more financial stability atleast for myself and the kids incidentals. Husband accuses me every chance he gets of lying, cheating or some other deceitful thing. Even questions me about $20 and $40 ATM transactions asking what I need cash for an why can’t I use the debit card (so he can track what I’m doing and where I’m going). I get cash back from grocery store, etc to pay for little things I or the kids want/need but no real access to cash. There has been physical abuse, there’s definitely emotional and mental abuse, and he tries to bully me but I’ve begun to stand up for myself over the last couple years. My problem now is how to leave when I have no money, no 4 year degree (I have a 2 yr degree) but have been out of the workforce now for 8 years. He seems to think I can just get gainful employment with the twinkle of an eye and all our problems will be solved. Placing my kids in public schools is a sickening thought for me because of the environment of our local schools. I do EVERYTHING for the kids, while he has the freedom to come and go as he pleases (games, parties, etc) while the kids and I are home or at extracurricular activity or homeschooling lessons or tutoring my learning challenged son. He devalues me at every turn and trivializes my contribution to our home because there’s no tangible income attached to it. He never stops to think that his liberties are possible ONLY because of MY dedication as the SOLE nurturing parents. He has a feeling of superiority because he pays the bills but never stops to think that if he were to ever be forced to compensate me for all that I do within the 4 wall of our home, he wouldn’t come close to being able to afford it. He twists my words, manipulates situations, and obsesses over minute issues that are detractors of our real problem. RESPECT. He doesn’t respect me. Has called me vile names in front of my children and spoken ill of me to his friends, He pretends to be caring if we happen to be seen out together, but is cold and distant the second we come home. I bury my head in the lives of my kids and pray to God for mercy to get me through each day. The times he does bring up the state of our failing marriage, it ALWAYS ends up the same way “I’m the problem and he’s the victim!” I have support from family and dear friends, but no real place to reside with 3 children. I hate to even think of displacing my children and uprooting their lives without a plan of action. He hides money and doesn’t account for all of it annually so trying to get child support/alimony will be nearly impossible. I feel physically stuck, but my spirit is free because I’m a believer in Christ. I literally don’t know which steps to take.

      • cataber

        I hear your pain and hear allot of my own in what you say. I have been in a relationship for 12 years now. I have 2 boys the youngest special needs. I feel stuck I have cried and been stuck for a good long time now not knowing what to do. I went through a separation for a year when an addiction of his was uncovered and I believed the children were unsafe. I would of left then buy he had all the family assets tied up and hidden untraceable or a least very hard to account for. I don’t see any open doors at all to leave. I love my two boys and keep telling myself we are better if I ignore my pain and we press on in a loveless marriage….like you I do not want to uproot my children. I am stuck.

    • Tonja

      Start calling apartments to get on wait lists and or to know how how much is needed to move in. I do agree on selling what you can and pocketing that money in an account with a different address. Keep all your passwords private or change them. If you know how to do your own taxes do them on line so that the money can be put in a specific account of your choosing. Just know you have to leave the moment you get the money in your hands.

      • Saffron

        Tonja, if you plan to leave, don’t say anything to him about it. Remove your emotions, start being a prepared woman and make a list of things you will need. Save money. Sell things. Find a place to live and get your career and mind ready for being independent. You are best to tell only family because you need to do this safely, and quietly. Stay strong and keep your energy up! It will get better, you will get through it! Take good care of yourself!

  • Candie

    I am 28 years old i have three children ages 10,7,and 6 i have only been married 4 months but have been with my husband 11 years. I just found out he is a heroin addict, i have tired to help him get help it is pointless. He has stolen all of our tvs, money from my payroll cards and even sold our kids video game systems. I had a great paying 3 rd shidt job but i had to quit due to his useage, he got fired from jis job and we were evicited from our home. We are loving with his parents in a one bedroom house, which means my children and i sleep on a hardwood floor and he sleeps on the couch. Our daughter has the hardest part with sleepingbon the floor because she had brain surgery in 2012 and it hurts her head but he doesnt care. I work, cook and clean after 7 people 4adults and 3 kids, i take care of a dog that doesnt belong to me. I get no help from him or his family with our children so as soon as i get them on the bus for school i leave for work as soon as i get off work i get them off of the bus get them snacks help with homework than do everything. I am leaving him by qorking the maximum 20 hrs allowed in my state than getting cash assistance from my job and family building as sson as it kicks in i am taking my kids and never looking back. If his mom choose to keep giving him momey to use than she can bury her son alone too. My kids dont deserve to watch as she helps kill him.

  • Debbie

    I guess I’m in better shape than others. Married 10 years, no kids, but also no job and I’m an alcoholic. He just put his wedding ring on the counter. He is truly a good man, stable job, bills paid on time, kind and loving. I screwed it up. So, what do I do now? I am unemployed, not abused, no kids, and no family. WHAT NOW????

  • linda

    How do I get money to leave my husband? I been married for 20 i have 2 kids,he tell me that i do nothing around house,and i disrespect him tho he was got up set with me and my son for laughing in kitchen over popcorn and came into the kitchen and push me into the refrig,he said it was my fault for ignoring him and night he was yelling me thing i didnt do , so advoid thing i just didnt talk to him,wen he cant find things its me and kids he cailms we take his stuff. not so, he just places stuff all time.i ask him if he was going to get wood for winter he said no because we dont care what he as to go throw to get it,and last night he got pudding into me and boys and we dont want any at the time he got mad and said i bring thing for them to eat thier wore eat it but if u bring to them they will, so im not going buy any more food at all,he get mad if we get into the food and eat it and if dont eat it he’s get upset.

    • C

      You have a BULLY in your house. I know him well. I have one too. He’s moody, irrational, temperamental, and a lot of horse Dunn is your fault and rarely is never his! Yeah I know him well.
      First understand it’s not you!!! And then respectfully decide are you staying or are you going? Write down your pros and cons. And let me help abit your kids have their father now under the same roof with them, how are they benefiting?
      If your husband seems upset most of the time it’s to suppress everyone in his household to commend to his will. Weather he’s happy, sad, or just have no flipping idea what his own deal is, he’s trained you all in the household to almost hold you breathe and wait for the “god” in the house to tell you all what’s next. I know this well.
      You can’t help your husband. He is who he is, and let that sleeping dog lay.
      You have to decide if your life and it’s misery and luxury are worth staying or going. I would not worry about what everyone thinks or says, and honestly I would mainly rely on myself when it comes to your care and your children.
      Move out for a year. Don’t make an announcement about it because he will block you from advancing to leave him.
      I’m sure you will acknowledge he behaves like he wishes you weren’t there yet he’s if it seems you could leave he behaves like he’s die if you did.
      Help yourself, build yourself up, and join swim end group, weather it’s a walking or jogging group, but get out of that house and get some you time!!! He’s going to object and at this point you shouldn’t care, or when you get to that point. Because you have to rebuild who you know you are! And not according to who he’s told you are.
      You are a mother and it sounds like you have boys, get them out of that before some poor girl later when they are dating is being treated poorly like he does you. Help make your boys better Men by showing them their father isn’t who they need to become without expecting major problems in their lives.
      I truly hope you understand your husband is just HAPPY being unhappy! And even if he acts and behaves nice in public like mine does. WHICH made and has made leaving and getting help pretty hard, BUT not impossible.
      I wish you all best, if nothing more you most definitely are in a mental abusive situation. He enjoys how he treats you (sick I know) in his little brain he feels it keeps you in line and on your toes. Some people enjoy stressed out people around them, it helps them feel powerful and relaxed. Crazy huh? But true! Research alpha wolves and when they mate. The male and female bite, beat up and attack everyone. Give them pure and total hell, and chemicals are produced by the rest of the pack that dramatically decreases their sex drives, increases their cortisol levels of stress, and even has them fighting amongst themselves according to rank to really get the nasty abisuve behavior in. A circle of primal hot mess! But ensuring the STRONG survive.
      Decide your husband will not suppress you. And understand when you are making positive changes and improving upon yourself he will not be supportive

    • Sherri

      I have been married to a controlling emotional psychological mental abuser 20 years. I have two sons 13 and 15. I have been working oN a plan of escape for nearly a year now. I know how hard it is to even have the courage to make that first step. Our fighting and his abuse is affecting the boys and they are insecure angry and having a very bad time. I opened a checking account got two charge cards and have been saving. He controls all the money. The other comments are exactly right on. Educate yourself. Find out about your financial situation and where and how the money is. I found at least 8 hidden accounts. I go to Walmart and get Cashback . It does not show up on MY account. Please respond we can help each other. Or others who havre help us. We can do it we can gain control for our childreN and ourselves. Sherri

  • Rose

    I’m currently sitting in a grocery store parking lot crying and reading these comments. I feel like my story is nothing compared to some of these. I have a job, a car, and no kids. I am not married but I have been with this man for six years. I have no family to help me. I want out of this loveless, sexless, and emotionally abuse relationship but I have no where To go. My job is not enough to get a place of my own. My bf acts decent around everyone else in public, but then is horrible to me at home. He doesn’t want me to have any friends. He doesn’t want me to better myself in any way. I want to grow up, but it feels like he wants me to remain a child. (I’m 20 years younger than him!) I don’t know what to do. I feel like a prisoner.

    • Lulu

      Rose, you can be free. The first thing you need to do is get off of your knees. Stand up, take a deep breath, and decide you are going to help yourself. It doesn’t matter that your situation is better or worse than anyone else’s situation. You are living your life, not theirs. The only way you are escaping this is to make the decision to live a different life. If you do not have relatives or close friends to ask for a safe place to stay, then you need to reach out elsewhere. There are a network of people who can take you in temporarily as you get out on your own. Ask for help. If you are a Christian, call a few churches and ask if they have assistance for abused women. Seriously Rose, reach out and tell someone you need help getting out. Do not waste another season of your life on him. Eventually he will use you up and throw you away. Sooner than later, these “worse than me” stories will be you. Get out before you have children living in your hell. Stop thinking and feeling and make a plan, right now.

    • Lost

      I’m in the same position as Rose. Going on 5yrs now.
      It started with him finding reasons to blow up on me when I’d cone back from seeing friends so soon I had none. I had a full ride grant to the university of my dreams and before I could even finish my last quarter of college he decided there were no jobs near by for him and he made us move, from my home, the state I loved, to a place I didn’t belong where I wasn’t to make friends. He made broken promises that in a year we’d move back to my home but after a year he decided we were moving to yet another new state, far far away from my family. I don’t have the income to care for myself and now I have a broken education. He’s old fashioned and strict. I just want to go home. I’m so alone I’m basically dead. Some days I think I should just take the bus home and live under a bridge. There isn’t anyone I can stay with. I’m going to spend the last of my 20s a lonely prisoner. I have no hope

    • Ty

      Rose, I feel you hun. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years and you just described our relationship… loveless, sexless, I’m 13 years younger than him, etc. I’d love to talk to you more, maybe be each other’s support or something. Email me? I would love someone to talk to who is going through the same thing I am. ..

    • donyaajones

      I am secretly storing and saving my money to leave my husband. Making sure my credit is on point. We are women we are strong and we deserve better than this. Trust me when I say it wont get any better. We found this wedsite to find and help each other ladies. Let save ourselves and those of us with children they deserve better.please stay strong, you’re not alone. Love you all.your sister from another mother

  • Christine

    I have been in and out of my relationship for 8 years and I don’t have money to leave him. He has pushed me, grabbed my arms and shook me, slapped me around, used my hair as a hold to drag me across rooms. I thought it was the drinking and so left him and allowed him back when he quit. Since then there have only been a couple of physical moments and that has only been pushing me down and shaking me. But he doesn’t really have to hit me, he knows I am scared of him when he gets angry. I have lost respect for him from his lack of ambition, and him not only not knowing how but refusing to learn how to fix things around the house, and his wanting to quit working a “real job” and get a part time min wage one. I get so frustrated and I feel like it’s all on me, the house, the kids, work, bills, doctors ect.

    I hate this life. If it was just me that would be one thing, but I have 4 kids that will be affected by this. 2 from my previous marriage, 1 from his, 1 together. I don’t want to leave and not be in his childs life anymore, but I can’t continue to allow my daughters to be in this either. My final thought is if he wants to be King of the castle that is fine as long as I am treated like a Queen. If he wants a partnership that is fine as long as we are partners. But he can’t be King and treat me like a serf. And partners share the load they don’t hurt the other, and they don’t create rules for one that they don’t have to follow themselves. I am a grown woman and it’s time I suck it up and start acting like it.

  • April

    I’m so lost, confused and ready to give up. I have been married for 37 years to a man I was sure I would die with, we have 3 children and 4 grandchildren who I love more than life it’s self. My husband lost his job and decided he wasn’t going to work any longer at age 57, we are a struggling lower middle class with no savings, lost our home no car and he still let my daughter pay our bills while he waited for SS disability, before this happened I worked on and off even started a good business in FL it was he who said move back to TN you’ll never have to work again you can stay home with the kids, sounded great to me so I did. In that time I became disabled myself with heart failure and myopathy and because I was married and didn’t work long enough to pay into SS I didn’t qualify for SS nor did I expect to get it for I was married and my husband provided for me in every way, health insurance included. So still upset that my husband has given up on working knowing we have no safety net and let my daughter pay every bill we have to keep us housed with not a second thought, left me wondering who is this man I was so in love with? Now it gets even worse for me he tells me at my age of 55 to get a job he got his SS, now I have to worry about myself, his disability came in and he has health care now but not me, i’m just nobody to him and our government he gets Medicaid but not his wife of 37 yrs, who by the way was turned down because I’m married to him. I can’t stand on my feet for more than 10 mins tops my hands and feet are swollen and hurt 24/7 I take absolutely nothing for the pain I just deal with it and he tells me to get a job. I can not tell you how much that hurts and leaves me lost I don’t know what to do anymore I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.

    • Cassandra

      I too have a husband who has decided to stop working at the age of 29..we have a 1 year old son. I’ve been the only one working since I got pregnant because he’s having some sort of drop out of life crisis. He verbally abuses us and I deal with things from him daily that I won’t speak of here. Here makes me work to support its while I have high blood pressure and herniated discs in my back. He rarely helps with my son and we would be so much better off else where..but my husband totaled my car when I was 8months pregnant…with me in it…and now I can’t get ahead to save for a car. I can live with a friend who lives 30 miles from my job but I would have no way to get there or to day care without public transportation. Feeling very stuck and I know my day will come. And so will yours. Stay strong willed and of sound heart and mind. These lazy no good men will get what they deserve in the end..keep your chin up and fight fight fight for your disability. Get a lawyer who takes no money down to fight for you. Good luck

      • Neo

        I am in the same situation April. At 30 years old he has a year whithout work and evertime Ask him to find a job he stars screaming at me, and I have to pay for everything sometimes I dont even have for food because what I get is not enough for food or buy clothes for my baby. I want to leave him but I dont have any savings. Have you found the way?

      • donyaajones

        Cassandra
        Where I live the neighboring state is about 30 miles south of us and most of the cab companies offer a flat rate to commute passenger especially when they no its guaranteed salary. Maybe you can reach out and see what kind of deal one would be willing to help you with and something else some times if your supervisor knows that you are having to move and nothing Eleanor they may offer a more flexible schedule to help out with your son giving you spitted more time to get him there.

    • donyaajones

      April,
      Have you tried to appeal the SS administrations decision.Some times it takes a good Doctor to assist or good medical documentation. My sister collected a small about of SSI as she did not have enough points to qualify for full benefits either.But most states deny if you have been disabled for less than a year or if your income has been above the requirements of the state. A disability lawyer may be able to help you as well becauseyour health aliments are worthy of assistance. Stay strong sister and hang in here. A sister from another mother.

    • Anon

      You have to get the divorce – get a credit card to pay – anything. You qualify to recieve half of any social security HE made all those years too, in divorce court. Once ur away from the hurt, which is REAL, and you STAY away, you get to church, read help books, read Safe People, join support group, get a job sitting, even sleep in a car or RV, look ANYwhere for positive just like its food or medicine, build up from the inside out – not $$ – that will come later after youre building the emotional health first! Ur online now – get online more, fibd health groups, support groups are MAGIC for healing the REAL wounds inside – get fresh energy spiritually to choose healthy veggies, unprocessed foods, stretches, exercise slowly, walking club, then standing job, — dont feel sorry or ever return …just keep going forward and away to positive situations

  • Michelle

    I want you to know that you have helped me. My husband has been abusing me for years (he has grabbed and poked me hard enough to leave bruises, he burned me with a curling iron, he has pushed me on MANY occasions – once causing my jaw to slam into the nightstand – and I’m frankly tired of making up stories of how I got hurt. I can tell that no one ever believes me anyway.

    He has forced me to abandon all of my friends – and tried with my family. He tells me constantly how fat and worthless I am and how I ruined his life. He has refused to watch our daughter so I could visit my Mom in the hospital (she’s is in a coma and has been mistreated by the hospital – he was supportive for a few days and then started to get angry at me for making him do so much around the house and forbade me from talking about the hospital at home).

    I was recently prescribed Prozac by the psychiatrist that he and I both see (and whom I’ve told about the abuse). I’m terrified for my 9 month old daughter. He quit his job 2 1/2 years ago and has only worked sporadically since then – it’s always someone else’s fault that the job ended) and I’ve been paying for everything – Insurance, electricity, rent, groceries, diapers & formula, doctor appointments, gas, car insurance, and on and on. I also lost my job in January so things have been really stressful. I have been getting unemployment (which is exactly as much as rent), I got a pretty good tax refund and I cashed in my retirement fund so that he could follow his dreams and have his own business making websites (he’s a programmer). So far he’s still working on the sites and I’m at the point where I have to take out loans to pay the day-to-day bills and will have to file bankruptcy soon.

    I started researching how to leave him when I had no money and I found your post. I found a shelter in my area with a 3 month program to help abused women and kids get started in a new life and I am creating my exit plan now. The only thing I’m not sure of is how I will take care of my Mom while I’m at the shelter, but I’m certain I can figure that out. I am so grateful to you for not only writing this, but for sharing it. Thank you. From deep in my heart, for all abused women, thank you, <3

  • lisa

    im 24 with a daughter who is 4. I left 2 jobs to go back to my partner and “try” to be a family for my daughter. I don’t have any outcome therefore have to rely on him for everything. I tried to make money out of dropshipping (he paid for stock) it failed and i got accused fo wasting his money I tried with another idea and he called me stupid this cost £20. and he refused I even asked him to pay via paypal if I borrowed money from a family member as I don’t have bank card or paypal and he said no! whenever I cry he calls me a spoiled little brat and stupid. i don’t get to go out with friends if i try and go he will say DO WHAT YOU WANT and make me feel bad. im not allowed to wear revealing coz if i do he will look me up and down and say im embarrassing myself . When i say i think hes controlling me he will say whatever get a grip grow up. everytime i try leave i always come back because my mothers house isnt practical for me and my 4 year old child. he doesn’t show me any affection or love, i feel like i would be happier without him but scared of what me and my daughters future will be like as i wont be able to give her what i can now as he is the one with money. he always makes everything out to be my fault and will never speak about things, i want to leave and be happy for my daughters sake but this is slowly sending me back into depression and i don’t know how much more i can take. when we argue he says stuff like ur this and that ur crazy our daughters better off without u. some advice would be appreciated. xxx

    • Wendy

      Lisa, I had many episodes where I would leave and return to my abuser. Emotional abuse and financial abuse is very real. You are NOT crazy, he is trying to confuse you so you won’t leave. I went through depression, sleep deprivation, etc. for years. My husband controlled everything financial, and anytime I stood up for myself, it would become a battle. From spending time with friends, career paths, taking enrichment classes, or when I made money he would always put me down, and say awful. Awful things to me in front of my young children. So….. I began researching what abuse was, what narcissitic personality disorders were. I realized I was living a sick person, that I was in an unhealthy environment. So I I finally kicked him out after he became violent, and threatening. I said I would call the law if didn’t leave. I am so relieved I did because I was the one always leaving with my two young children. After he left, I slept all night. I felt like my emotions were back to normal, and then I made a plan to get my children and I out. And you can too! Get grounded, don’t show him your emotions, and start making your escape, do it for your daughter! Start taking money to set aside, find your allies and rally them up, don’t have allies yet, go get them! You can do it, and when your ready it will fall into place! I tried to leave for years, if you do it while your daughter is young, less prolonged exposure to the yuck! Surround yourself with people who love you, who are kind, and who support you Peace on your journey! Help will come. Good luck, your daughter needs you!

      • Karen

        I researched Narcissitic and bingo described my husband to the tea! I left him years ago when he had a child outside our marriage but before that he had a 4year relationship with the woman. We’ve been married now for 20 years and he continues to make excuses the things he continues to do to me. I already have to deal with this child he had and seems to be sooooo absessed with but I also have to deal with the fact that He just won’t leave her alone, he uses that child as an excuse to excessively call her and text her he always has an excuse for his actions and not to mention his Narcissitic personality makes the situation even worst. You just got a job going on two years ago for the first time in the 20 years we were together before that I took care of the family I can’t work now cause I’m pregnant , and now that he has a job OMG no matter what he does to hurt me I have to here ” I’m paying all the bills, I’m busting my ass everyday and this is what I get”. I went into Facebook which I rarely do to but he something to me to make me think he was hiding something and there she was posting a long birthday letter to him saying how he’s her best friend and how she love him and he’s been a great example for her and so on and so forth…umm…a married man cheating on his wife with u is a great example??!?!! He liked it on Facebook alone with all her selfies! He left after I brought it up so I licked the doors and wouldn’t let him back in but he broke the window and forced himself in and now he won’t leave! I don’t know what to do to get away from this man I have no where to go I’m stuck here for now trying to plan an escape!

    • Cassandra

      Your story sounds just like mine..I know this is scary and we never thought we’d have to consider these things..but like someone above said…contact your local shelter for a exit plan..contact weave in your area..job resources…day care….car…one thing at a time.

  • gg

    I am emotionally broke I’m from Philippines ! My husband is a control freak ! He does’nt trust me ! He always accused me of adultery ! For eight years I try to be strong ! But now it all sink in my mind that I’m more than a prisoner ! I don’t have money he controlled me whenever I go ! I’m not allowed to get a job! My child witness how sad and emotional I am ! I apply a job online hope it will work.

    • Lienli

      Hi I’m also from the Philippines and my husband is verbally and emotionally abusing me.. Telling me I’m worthless and calling me names.. He also smoke weed and get angry easily.. Im want to leave him for the sake our child cause I don’t him to grow up in this kind of situation

    • C

      Definitely gain your independence so you can get money to leave your husband! Join a group, whether it’s a meet up or Asian support group. That way you will meet people and begin to have resources and information that otherwise you just do not know about. Take your child if you have too, but preferable not. Start walking or jogging to give yourself time to think and strategize.

      And know this isn’t forever! You have made a choice and it’s not allow yourself to continue to be treated this way. Good for you! I hope the online job helps. Pass it on if it’s livable money. There are financial grants out their for immigrants. Just be careful when you are ready to leave him. I wish you all the best!

  • Rivka

    I have been with my husband only 8 years, he is my 3rd husband. I am saving and planning to leave him. I am honest in that he is not the only one to blame. However over the last 5 years I have made leaps and bounds in personal growth. I had no business marrying anyone during the time of my life i did. For that I blame myself. And I am only struggling with the guilt of him being alone or not finding anyone else at his age. He would be perfectly content staying in a loveless marriage. I feel imprisoned. Thanks for this article on how to come up with ways to set back money. He is dwindling away our income and we bring out the worst in each other. Together we are both not responsible, reacting to life emotionally. Now I feel confident I can do what I need to do.

  • kim

    Hi, I am the Kim who you said could go to hawaii or mexico and retire because I was having 200.00 bucks a paycheck come out and go directly into my orange account with hubby’s paycheck. So 400.00 a month I was saving for 4 years. Plus I saved other money like I got cash back from every super market trip. Cash I would put into my cleaning supply cabinet in my home made safe which was an empty lysol wipes container. I did use the money saved in my home made safe a lot when things got heated. Instead of waiting for the abuse to start I just avoided it all together. I never parked my car at the hotel I was staying at. I bought a separate cell phone so my husband couldn’t track me because I never took it with me when I’d leave. And I have (all good things can be used for bad things too) GM vehicles with onstar so he COULD track where I would go. So I got to know the managers at the hotel that I’d run away to and They would park my car at various spots safe in town. Built in GPS sucked but hey I decided to check on him a few times. Boy was I not at all shocked. I caught him in a few less than honorable situations since my first post here two years ago. Abusive people most times are also cheaters too. At least the abusive people I have been lucky (not!) to know thus far in my 55 yrs on this planet have been big time cheaters. Oh I learned how to disable ONstar on my car by the way. The internet is great supply of knowledge on all subjects. I learned to take no chances.

    I’m happy to tell everyone it wasn’t easy but I did follow my four year plan of leaving my Narcissistic husband. I bought a tiny house 3 hours away from my ex

    My current situation isn’t perfect but I’m in control now of my life. I did want to move to Oregon but I can still move there. I don’t feel so pressed like I did before. Before I felt my life slipping away wasted in a meaningless life of survival only. No joy, No special person to share my life with. My kids grown and living an hour or two away too busy to see what hell I was seriously living all the years they growing up. My birthdays would come and my husband was so wrapped up in himself and how great he is, He would say lets do our birthdays. His just days before mine. So we’d go out to eat and it was a chore. We would end up fighting and he would not stop at a few insults. either no gift or some after thought that was something I didn’t care for. Men, FYI, do not just give women random scents that the woman hasn’t herself chosen prior. It’s a personal thing and what smells good on one doesn’t smell good on another trust me. I just had to throw that in. But back to subject of topic. I need to tweek a few areas of my life yet but I can’t tell you how much better it is. The future is looking really super bright for me. Ladies, planning is a must. I know it seems evil but really it’s not. If a man abuses a woman and she gets away before she’s carried out in a pine box. That same selfish mentally twisted sick man isn’t going to be on his own funding your lifestyle away from him. As a matter of fact he will probably be a broke guy if he has been keeping a girlfriend or two on the side. Once you’re gone these women will put on the pressure and he will need new narcissist supply (controlling people) YOU ARE VALUABLE AND IMPORTANT. SO DO PLAN AHEAD LIKE I DID. Also I found a great life coach at church that I saw two to three times a week to keep me motivated. BE GOOD TO YOU! This life is short. Don’t waste it unhappy and/or in danger from abuse. Good luck to you all. If I can do you can too.
    .

    • C

      Kim, how inspiring and some really major pointers. This one I’ve learned since last Friday has gone behind my back and racked up all sorts of insane insecure credit card debt in my and since 2002. Here I’m sitting here thinking because of the delinquencies and the write offs from me not having the money myself to pay the credit cards I did know about he insisted I pull out. Now the credit card is in my name and I never even knew about! And coming from a guy who had verbally beaten me to pulp and reminds me often hoe awful of s money budgeter I am, yet when we are so behind on bills which feels like since I met him, if it gets too scary I’m usually the one he throw the bills back over too. Often not doing what’s agreed at all! Because o project our bills out 4 months ahead. And he makes sure no consistent amount of money comes in so we can never clear anything up! ? I haven’t approached him because he is a liar and had established feeling extremely comfortable with lying to me so I feel bringing it up was pointless. But I closed them out and now applying for an special ID, because I’m filing taxes separate close to the time I’m planning to exit out of here. I will get money to leave my husband by Fall 2017.

  • Debbie

    Hi.
    I m in a 38 year marriage that is unbearable. I am 58 my husband 61. We operate a small business together, owning name only. I have been there since my daughter started kindergarten…26 years ago…. Now since the economy has gone sour we are suffering barely holding on to our home of 20 years. Needless to say our marriage has been in trouble for quite some time. For the last couple of years I have been secretly saving money when ever possible. My personality is quiet, I keep to myself, guess you could call that an introvert. I do not speak to him except for concerns at the business or our 2 grandchildren. He is manipulative towards me and drinks beer and smokes pot. I told him several years back I did not love him and after some time we decided to stay together for our grandchildren but I want out. I want to be happy and free of him. He has life insurance of which I am beneficiary so he tellse I will get that when he dies…. We have no health insurance so when he dies the funeral home and hospital will get it…. So where does that leave me… Out in the cold… I must escape this regardless of the business or financial cost… He holds these over me…my grandchildren are very important to me. They are very close relationship wise to the both of us but I am at the end oft rope…I have a health issue looming on the horizon but for now I am dealing with it and have not seen a doctor due to the expense. Have only spoken to my daughter concerning it. I m not sure what to do next. My self esteem is and has been low due to my childhood. I must find help somewhere or all is lost.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    If you’re looking for financial help to leave your husband, do an internet search for terms such as: women fleeing domestic violence, safe houses for women, money help for women who want a divorce, free legal aid for married women, divorce help for women, free counseling for women, etc.

    Do a local search — which means you need to search for those terms with your exact location. This will help you find support and other resources. I don’t know the specific types of money help for women who want to leave their husbands, but I believe that if you Google those terms, you will find different organizations.

    Call the places you find, even if you don’t think they can help you. Just call and explain what’s happening, and see what they say. They might be able to guide you in the right direction — but you need to take the first step, and call!

    I pray for strength, courage, and faith as you move forward in your life.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Katherine Martinez

    I am in a manipulating marriage that I can’t breathe anymore. I have two small girls ages 8 and 11 and I am trapped myself in the time being. I have managed to save 1000 dollars but its not enough to get out. He has physically touched me twice, once with his chest he bumped me and then he grabbed both my arms and pushed me to intimidate me as he was yelling at me because I didn’t want to talk to him and asked him nicely to leave me alone. I only fear that the first time in 2007 when he rammed the table to my knee my little was 2 1/2 at that time and now she is 11 and she had to see him bump me/chest me two months ago as she stood there staring at the wall. I asked her if she saw anything and she told me no, but I just have this feeling that she is not telling me the truth. My fear is that he will try again but I did tell him that if he does one more time, I will not hesitate to contact the police. I am afraid and just dont’ see how I can financially live in the place I’m living alone, I only earn 28k a year and to be able to financially support my girls is so rough. He claims he will not help me but I know the only way to find out is to actually go to the courts but truth is I need to leave first because he isn’t. He’s managed to manipulate my brother and sister and even my father but I was able to communicate with them and I’m praying that they just see and feel that I can’t be in this marriage anymore. Its so unhealthy and I just want to break free. So please if there is any local agencies that anyone knows in Coral Springs, Florida, please guide me. I am an educated woman but I am so underpaid and I am willing to do what I can to just break free from him and allow my girls to have somewhat of a life of breathing as well.

    • sportydoe

      Almighty God, I am in such need. I throw myself on Your mercy and ask for Your help and strength in freeing me from this abusive relationship.

      I am exhausted and drained and do not know how to escape this vicious cycle. My mind was so overwrought in survival that it took a long time for me to realize I have been abused verbally, mentally, emotionally, spiritually,
      sexually and physically. My self-esteem is at an all time low.

      I know that this is not Your will for me. I know that nothing good remains in this relationship. I know that I will need divine strength from above to make my exit.

      I recall Jesus said, “But when they persecute you in this city, flee into the next.” It is truly time for me to move on and leave behind the terror and fear that keeps me from functioning as a whole person.

      Almighty God, I just don’t know how to do this. I just have so much anxiety in breaking free and in starting over. I need You to give me a sound mind and a plan of action. I need support and aid from others, and I need to forgive myself for clinging to this relationship for so long.

      I implore You, God to set me free.

      I implore You, God to help me to plan a safe exit.

      I implore You, God to daily guide me.

      I implore You, God to give me sanity and peace.

      I implore you God to help me financially to relocate and support myself.

      Help me, Lord through this transition period and lead me into a land that has promise. Help me, in the name of Christ Jesus, I pray. Amen

    • Amy

      Katherine, you have already made the difficult (and correct!) decision to leave. Children that see that kind of contact eventually see it as normal & acceptable! That something you’d never want for your girls. You may want to speak with a hotline and maybe they can direct you to a local place that will allow you to move in with a zero security deposit or a private rental that you CAN afford. In NJ, The court system will doc pay checks and the child support goes directly to the primary parent. Where do u live? First, leave. Then file for primary parental rights. I will say a prayer for you… I believe you can make it happen! I also believe you can be successful & happy.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    May you find the financial help you need to leave your marriage and start over. My prayer is that you find more than money: may you find wisdom, guidance, peace, and emotional support. I pray that your life becomes filled with surprises and circumstances that make your decisions easier, and that you start to marvel at how well you’re taken care of! May miracles be yours, and may you be able to see when they happen.

    May you get MORE than the help you’re looking for – may you find faith, hope, resources, and compassion. May you find strength and courage, and more than enough money to leave your husband and rebuild your life.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Carli

    Thank you for this article! I am in a situation where my husband is a good person just not the person I want to be with. I have no money, friend, or family so I have no help or support. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in trying to find a way out.

    • Sarah

      You are not alone. I’m right there w you. Hubby’s been talking w another woman for about 4 years saying they’re just friends (she has lived in a different country for 2.5 of those years), said that the company he was working for sent him to New York 2 weeks ago but wouldn’t give me flight or hotel info… I called his boss to get the return flight details so i could pick him up and was told they didn’t send him. I’ve given him a bit over 11 yrs, 4 of them married, and we have an almost 3 yr old. I can’t take the lies and emotional abuse but don’t have any money right now and the bills are piling up. We had a fight tonight about him hiding things on his phone. He asked me to do something on it and then aggressively snatched it away from me before deleting a lot bc I asked what he had to hide. I’m done but not sure were to go thus ending on this page. Hang in there and we will get through this!

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Danielle,

    I’m not sure who you can contact to help you get home, but I think the first place I’d start is by searching for a women’s support organization or distress line in your area. Different states, regions, cities, and communities have different types of help available for women who need money and other types of help for leaving their husbands. If you try calling one women’s support line, that might lead you to a different organization, which might lead you to the one that can help you.

    My prayer is for strength for your emotional and physical journey, and for a healthy baby. May you find the right people and resources, and get the help you need to get out of the relationships and into a good place. I pray that you make wise decisions for your future, and hold on to the people who treat you with love, kindness, and compassion. May you build healthy relationships, and may you learn how to make smart, good decisions for you and your baby. Amen.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Yvonne,

    It sounds like you really are putting your faith into action, and taking actions that rely on faith, prayer, and trust in God! Good for you. You are working hard towards leaving a bad relationship and creating a better life for you and your son.

    I pray for continued strength as you move forward, as you continue to make plans to leave, and as you think about your future. May you find the money and other resources you need to leave your husband, and may everything fall into place quickly and readily. I pray for courage, energy, faith, trust, peace, and patience as you make decisions about today and the future. I also pray that you take time out each day to connect with God, seek His peace, and be filled with His spirit. May you hear His voice and be comforted by His presence and never ending love. Amen.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Jessica,

    Thank you for being here. It sounds like you’re in a difficult place in your life – you feel hopeless and helpless. You need money to leave your husband….but more importantly, you need strength, courage, faith, and resilience. Because without strength, courage, faith, and resilience you’d still be stuck, even if you had all the money in the world to leave your husband.

    I wrote this article for you: http://whenlovebugsyou.com/when-you-regret-getting-married/ .

    My prayer is that you find the right people in your life. I pray that you tap into the energy, strength, courage, and hope that is already in you! May you connect with people who can help you – and may you allow yourself to be vulnerable and humble, and ask for help. May your eyes be opened to the options and possibilities in your life, and may you accept the help that will be offered if you reach out and ask. I pray for strength, courage, and hope. I pray for your kids, and for your and their future. Allow yourself to be weak, and rely on God’s strength. Accept the help He offers in the form of people and resources.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Danielle

    I’m sadly in a situation where I am currently starting my 6th month of pregnancy and have no insurance due to the fact that I keep getting put off to wait longer to find out if I got approved. I got divorced in November, and I live with the baby daddy, who is…. still married. I live with him, his wife, and their kid. Their marriage has been over long before I met him or dated him. I have lost my job due to so many family deaths in a short period I had to go to funerals. But because I had no money to travel for those my family paid. But now that I am stuck in this situation and realizing I need to leave. Yes I shouldnt have gotten in this situation in the first place. But now I know I need to leave and my family refuses to help get me home. I don’t know what to do or who to turn to. Is there any help or advice anyone could perchance give as far as who I should contact?

  • yvonne workman

    I have been in my relationship for 5 years and I have experienced two incidents of physical and the other incidents have been emotional and psychological abuse. My mate is very manipulative and uses words to hurt me. I am a very confident woman and I am very disappointed in myself that I allowed this to occur as long as it has and I have prayed and asked the Lord for financial provision to move ASAP. I have a two year old son that have witnessed his father’s tyrants and I know that that isn’t a good example for him. I have been very proactive and have contacted my local sheriff and other deputies that have written and documented information and I have formulated a safety plan and is trying to be proactive regarding the steps indicated on the plan. I have applied for school and suppose to be starting back in May to complete my Master’s degree which I am very excited about, I have tried to generate leads to bring income into the house through writing assignments and is looking to hear back from an employer about a possible freelance writing position, which I am hoping and praying I get because it will allow me to have the monies to leave ASAP, I have talked to my mom and let her know that I am leaving as soon as certain steps are taken. I would go to her house but she definitely isn’t in no position financially or otherwise to help but she is a strong emotional support system and I thank God for her. Please keep me in prayer as I am a strong, confident woman that loves God and loves my son and want what is best for both of us. The BIble states emphatically that “faith without works is dead” and so faith and works is definitely in operation in this process. My mate knows that if I had the financial means, I would have left him a long time ago. He has no idea that I have contacted the sheriff, formulated safety plan and all that I am doing to try to move asap, I literally have all my stuff packed and ready to go! I am not saying anything, I am must taking all the possible steps I need to take to get out of this situation and as I stated to the sheriff’s office, if nothing else pans out and after all step have been taken and I am still having a hard time, then the women’s shelter will be my last result. I am contacting friends, talking to hotels, etc. I just want to be proactive and make sure I do everything I can first before going to a shelter. I m going to only need a place to stay for about two months because school starts in May and I can get me and my son family housing on campus. I am praying and asking God for wisdom in this process, while being very prayerful and strategic in the process. Please, please keep me and my baby son in prayer as I am anxious to leave and start afresh for the both of us.

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    My prayer for all women who feel stuck in bad marriages – who need financial help to leave their husbands – is for the right resources to show up. May you meet people who can offer you help, find books that strengthen you, and make connections that bring you faith and healing. May you see that money is helpful, but it won’t make you happy. I pray for wisdom and guidance as you gain insight into yourself and your situation, and for clarity as you think about how to get money to leave your husband. I pray for peace and joy, and a strong connection with your Creator. Amen.

  • Jessica

    I’m 27 and been married to my husband for 10yrs we have 3 children I feel completely hopeless he’s emotionally and physically abusive then he will be this amazing man that makes me happy & then when the fights begin the abuse starts i feel so helpless I have no family close by no friends no support no car no job i don’t know what to do I feel so bad for my kid’s that they live like this i wish i can give them a safe happy home but i didn’t even finish high school i regret so much getting married to my husband.I’m always in my room the only time i eat is when he leaves to work I’m stuck in a situation that i feel like i will never get out my kid’s see me cry all the time they just look at me with their little faces and it kills me i can’t get out of this situation

  • Torey

    Got married to my husband at 18, he was 25. He got me out of a bad home life, I was being kicked out and was threatened with being homeless when I finally turned 18. We got married August 2014 and two weeks later I was pregnant. He has always had issues with percocet use but was getting clean when we met. But after we had the baby he dabbled here and there but I recently found out he spent 1000 dollars, that he admitted to spending on drugs. I have no idea what to do we are set to move in five days already put down our payments on the place. I know I want out of this marraige but I have a baby, no job and no where to go. anyone in a similar situation have advice!

  • Laurie

    Dear Michelle,

    Thank you for having the courage to share your story here. I wrote an article for you and all women who need money to leave their husbands:

    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/how-to-become-financially-independent-controlling-husband/

    I can’t give advice or information because I don’t know anything about you, but I encourage you to start researching the possibilities! You have a job, which is awesome. And your kids are independent, which is also awesome. It will take sacrifice and strength to figure out how to take care of yourself, but I know you can do it. You did it once before, which means you can do it again.

    Read my article – hopefully something there will give you an idea, or inspiration. I will keep you in my prayers – may God bless you as you seek peace, happiness, and meaning in your life.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Michelle

    Hello

    I am a mother and have been in a abusive marriage for 35 yrs. Mental, physical,emotional,etc. I left my husband for 2 years, thinking he would change. He fooled me and other people into believing he changed. With in a month of me coming back the abuse started again. He knows financially I can’t make it on my own, and he always want me to pay something so that I have no money left from my paycheck to save to leave. I want out of this marriage so bad, but I don’t have the money to leave my husband. There are many nights I lay in bed and cry. I have not family support and I do not want to burden my kids. I want them to stay focus on school and finish. If there is any information you can give me to help me please. Thank you.

  • Diana Starkey

    I live in northern califorina. If you can contact me…I will help you
    In Anyway I can. For those who are living in horrible circumstances and have small
    Children and babies and who look at their sweet faces and think

    “For you, I will.” Then, for them , Do. I will never shut my door on
    Someone who needs help especially children.
    I have my reasons as well for researching “moving on from relationship”
    (Less than healthy relationships anyway).. and ended up here reading for two hours!
    But for heaven’s sake.. you will be safe here. Fed. Helped, clothes,
    And perhaps this is what’s meant for me as well, New friend(s), New strength and
    Support system…combined resources… I read so many of your posts. I see that a good deal of
    Time has already gone by since a lot of these. But I’m sure there are new one too.
    And I just can’t help but think to myself while reading these, why on earth
    Don’t we help each other…so here I am…I have a safe place, I have resources and necessary
    Needs are well within reach here. So many possibilities. And together, let’s just do it.
    Let’s make this happen today. Now, I am excited about a new journey. Now, it will happen.
    Are you going to come with me?

    • Kathryn

      I can’t leave my state. But I would love to talk further with you about getting money to leave your husband. I don’t have any family. My dad has never been in my life and my mom was murdered in a home invasion six years ago. I have no other family. I’m in an abusive marriage with two children. He’s a doctor, I stay home. He has all the power. I only need someone to talk to. Please email kathrynrumfello2279 at yahoo.com

    • Alone

      I’ve been married almost 14yrs! However I’ve been with my husband for 22yrs we have four children one in college high schooler elementary & my toddler who was diagnosed with autism. I’m in a different state can’t leave all that my children know. My son goes to college here my daughter loves her high school so I’m have to stay in my state. I’ve tried in this marriage Lord knows I have stuck by this man through thick & thin! I found a great paying job in 2012 & thought to myself this is it I can begin again BUT was layed off last year!

    • Dawn

      I am in a 16 year marriage. I have stayed in this marriage thinking I could change him, things would get better if I just did this different or if I just kept my own counsel and let him do because then things wouldn’t be so bad. I thought of every excuse to explain all the bad away. I had always thought that I didn’t want my children to grow up in a broken home because that would make me a failure – to my kids, my family and everyone who saw me. It only became physical once but there have been too many times to count that I wish (really prayed) for just a punch, slap, kick – anything but the constant name calling, put downs, and overall treatment. The physical would have been easier to me because it would have hurt less, healed faster and not have created such a scar on me. I am to the point where I have to leave. He has taken away my family and friends by isolation (relationships I will never get back because I misplaced my loyalty in him) and everything down to my self esteem. All I have left are my children and I refuse to loose them. I live in North Carolina and need ANY help you can provide. I will provide any proof you require to prove that what I am saying is true and any proof you need showing any help you provide is truly going to assist me in the exact way it was meant for. Please email me. Any help is tremendously appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read my request and for any assistance yo may be able to provide.

    • amanda

      Hello, I live in the northern California section too and was wondering if you knew about any resources I could use. I have been a stay at home mom for about two and a half years so I have no income but I really want to move out of my loveless relationship. I have no family on this coast and no where to go. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

    • Michelle

      I have been with my husband for 17 years. we have 3 beautiful daughters whom along with me walk on eggshells daily. He started using oxy to get high about 5 years ago, so needless to say our lives have went spiraling downward since he started this journey. I left once and came back after 6 months as he had promised he was done using (one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made). He owns his own business (such a joke) so he only works when he wants to which is usually only to get more drugs. I pay for pretty much all household bills, which leaves me unable to save up to leave. I put my name on the section 8 list about 3 years ago and call to find out my position on the wait-list weekly (I am #1078) so I think it will probably be about one more year. My job is closing it’s doors in 2 weeks so I am desperately searching for a new one. i am not trying to be a “Poor Me” but I feel so tired, as if the life is just being sucked out of me.

  • Lost Girl

    I’ve been Married 10 years and I only knew my husband for 3 months before we got married. Less than a year later I was pregnant with our first son. All thru my pregnancy he was mean to me always blaming me for everything and all I ever did we was cry. Things got better because we eventually ended up breaking up for a couple of months then we got back together . About four months we were back together doing good everything seemed fine. Come to find out his pill addiction was back and the the things he promised for the new baby was out the window. We never spend any money on the baby. Then then babies come. and we have nothing except what the hospital and what my mom gives. We ended up having tripets. Now four years lataer I wish I could pack up and but I have four kids , no money, no food and no where to go. I live in a one stop light town so I know there’s no way for we to get with my kids. I just want scream I feel helpless

  • Erad Aklilu

    I have merried before 6 month ago and my wife is 5 month pregnant.I work abroad country as a seaman.I left my wife since she was 3month pregnant and i am supportive by financial and take care of her,but now she want to divorse me for no reasen.Her complain is thay am not follow her idea.But i am the one who earn the money and knows what is our plan for the future that is according with the money i get so what is the solution to save my merriage.

  • Me too

    I am married over 25 years to my college sweetheart. We have two lovely children. Our biggest problem is always been money. My husband is a big spender and doesn’t know how to save money, which is a marriage killer. We went through so much together, but he still didnt learn his lessons. He is over 50 and should be planning for retirement, but we are not even close.

    I really want to leave him and start fresh…i can save without pouring my money on his debts anymore.

    My youngest son who is 10 years old pled with me to wait until he goes to college. I love my children but i am worried that my husband will destroy our happiness and our future completely if i do stay. What should i do?

    • me three

      i am in the same boat as you. Married 27 years and he can’t save a dime. He collects SSDI and sits home all day online buying crap on eBay. My kids r grown but we have a house we r paying for And I don’t want to lose it. I am at loss. How much more can I put up
      with. I see no end of his spending. I work 50 hours a week while he sits here just piling up the debt. Not sure that to do.

  • Jennifer

    My husband and I have been married for 5 years now. My emotional and verbal abuse didnt start until about a year ago. Since then his temper has escalated to throwing things at me, yelling, he has taken it to the next level recently of punching holes in the walls. He has never laid a hand on me, but I get verbally and emotionally abused almost everyday. I get called a worthless piece of shit, he tells me I am going to wind up under a bridge one day. I will never be anything regardless of what i do with my life. I am only 26 years old. I am in cosmetology school. I dont have a job right now but thats why I went back to school I could make a better future for myself. I want to pack up and leave, if i do that I have no where to go. I will be living in my car and I can only do that for so long because of school. I have to come to school dressed and looking like I am going to work. I cant do my hair in the car or wash my clothes in the car. I have bought a cheap prepaid phone for emergencies and I cant have any friends or social groups. I am only allowed to go to school and the grocery store. I have asked about transferring schools so I can go stay in a shelter for the remainder of the time that i am in school. I have to have 750 clock hours to transfer, I only have 300 so i cant transfer. If I withdraw school to leave him, I will owe the full amount of my student loans, I will have no kind of license or a job to pay back $20,000.

    At one point I did think this was my fault. My step father was verbally and emotionally abusive towards my sisters and myself. In my mind I thought it only made since that I would marry someone just like him. Im not depressed or broken inside. I take what he has to say and let it go in one ear and out the other. His abuse has made me incompetent of feeling any kind of emotional feelings, empathy, sincerity, love etc. I have learned to mask everything so well you would never know the pain and heartache I feel on a day to day basis. Like I said Im not depressed or anything like that. I just have learned to live one day at a time and I am looking towards the future. I have currently been making plans and goals to leave as soon as I am eligible for transfer or as soon as I graduate.

    • Debbie

      When you go to the grocery store stash 5$ in your pants pocket lose your receipt in the store store money in the pockets of your pants hanging in the closet. Talk to a friend at school ask if you can come stay with them for about a month I bet they will then go get a part time job work out a plan with a hotel close to your school. Stay there awhile they may even give you a part time job. You have to leave your husband and finish school it won’t be easy but you do have options and free time at school away from him that you can work these things out your instructor may even be willing to let you miss a half day without him knowing to plan and get out. Best of luck. I am currently helping a co worker who finally broke down at work. So people will help if they know what is going on.

    • Marjatta

      Hi Jennifer,

      My heart breaks for you. You say you are only 26 years old, but it seems like you’ve lived more than a lifetime of sorrow with a person who calls you a “worthless piece of shit” and tells you that you are going to “wind up under a bridge one day.” Those are not words of love or concern. Those are words of control in an effort to keep you feeling down about yourself and insecure about your potential. Those are words from a person who doesn’t appear to be able to love anyone, let alone you or himself.

      Eventually, there is a line in the sand that is drawn when a person can’t take the constant barrage of negative messages (regardless of how subtle they may be) from a partner who presumably loves them unconditionally, yet always stresses that they would love them more “if only you would …”

      If anyone you are close to makes you feel “less than” and you know in your heart of hearts that you are being the best you can be in God’s eyes and in your own eyes, then rest with a clear conscience and fret no more. You are perfect just the way you are … never let anyone else tell you differently.

    • Frankie

      My husband started out the same way yours did. Trust me when I tell you that after he breaks your belongings, then begins punching walls, that he is very close to hitting you!
      I suggest you try to get along with him until you’re able to transfer or graduate from school. Please, for the love of God, do not get pregnant! You are much better off and in a better place than most of us here! Don’t let him coax you into staying either! Think about how the walls and doors that he punches. Trust me on that, because I’ve lived through it. He WILL punch you one day. I hope you’re able to get out soon! Just focus on school, and be sweet to the creep until you’re out of there!

  • Corgy

    Why is it always women that seem to have the divorce without money problem? I guess guys are out to lunch then. Can’t make enough money to live on my own, guess I’ll just have to be homeless after I leave the B**CH.

  • Maria

    I think it’s better to struggle with money and live in poverty than stay married ot a man you don’t love or can’t be with anymore. How do you get money to leave your husband? Get a job, borrow money, stay with friends or family. Talk to people about your marriage and ask for help. ASK FOR HELP. People will help you, maybe not by giving you money to leave your husband but at least by supporting you as you start over in a new life.

    • shann

      In a abusive relationship your embarrassed and you also dont want someone to use it against you later and if your rushing to get out you usually wind up back in either the same relationship or a new one so unless you’ve been there don’t judge

  • Nancy

    The best way to get money to leave your husband is to keep your money separate from the very beginning. And don’t quit work to look after your children.

  • Art Copple

    It’s not just women in this situation. I want to leave my wife because she is manipulative and controlling, but I can’t afford to divorce her. She would take everything. Clean me out financially. How does a man get enough money to leave his wife? That’s why husbands and wives hide money, so divorce doesn’t make them go bankrupt.

  • Linda Kons

    I feel for all women who are trying to get money to leave their husbands. It’s hard and the best thing to do is lower your standard of living, I think. Go to a shelter, and be prepared to start from the ground up. Give up everything. That’s what I did. It’s not fun or easy, but you CAN leave your husband even if you have no money.

  • Laurie

    Dear Leslie,

    Have you contacted legal aid? Another option is to call the law studies department of a local university, and see if they offer clinics or hour-long sessions with student lawyers. These clinics are often free. I know it’s very difficult to qualify for legal aid, and that women who don’t have money and want to leave their husbands often find themselves destitute. It’s a terrible fact of getting divorced, and I don’t have the answers.

    My prayer for you is that you find the resources and people you need, to help you move forward in your life. May you find peace, spiritual security, and faith — for those qualities are far more important than money or assets in a divorce. I pray you discover a new sense of spiritual peace, hope, and confidence that your life is unfolding just as it should. May your heart be open to all the possibilities, and may your eyes see your life in a new light. Amen.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Leslie Eisenmann

    Laurie,
    I see you have commented on others situations, I work full time, at times tried adding another part time job, Its not a question of being emotionally ready for divorce, My husband has went above and beyond on emotionally abusing my 2 kids and myself, my son is to the point of wanting to call the police and turn himself in for wanting to cause harm to my husband, not physically, solely so law enforcement would get my son out of this house. I can provide a living, but my husband has kept me so broke with overdrafts and not financially helping when needed. I can’t save the money for a lawyer, since my hours were down from 40 to 25 for a year, my husband esp took advantage of not helping, only reason he pays 1/2 of house payment is d/t last time I filed for divorce the judge made him start paying 1/2 of house payment. He has never helped with medical bills, nothing for the kids. He likes to egg on the kids tempers, and then threatens to call the police on them. There is so much more. I need to get my kids out like yesterday and feel there is no more time to try to get a functional budget, I keep getting drug down more and more the longer we stay. My other dilemma, is once I am able to file for divorce, my husbands mother will help him financially with a divorce, no matter the cost, regardless of what her kids do, she always stands by her kids. And we’re in our 50’s. I need help, but don.t know the pathway to turn anymore. Bright Horizons usually just wants my kids and myself to attend group sessions. That doesn’t stop my husband from abusing or us being in the situation. My main thing is I need help with money for a lawyer to get divorce, once I start the proceedings I can get my husband out of the house.

  • Cynthia Maddison

    Has anyone thought about getting a loan so they have money to leave their husband? Maybe not a bank loan but a loan from family members? When I left my husband 5 years ago I asked my grandmother for a $3000 loan to get me started. I just finished paying it back, and I feel good about it. If you borrow money from family to leave your husband, make sure you plan to pay it back within at least 5 years.

    • Lesile

      I have thought about siblings for a loan, though d/t bad farming years etc, they are strapped themselves, so won,t ask, my parents have passed on. Thought about consolidating loan with my house, though my husband would then find out. And with his temper it is not good that he knows before things are started. I worried as finances continue to worsen that someday I won’t qualify for a consolidation loan.

  • Laurie

    Dear Amber,

    You aren’t alone, even though you feel so alone in your marriage, in your home, in your friendships. You need to know that you’re not alone and that you can find help leaving your husband. It’s not just money that you need, it’s emotional and spiritual support.

    I encourage you to talk to people in person about the way your husband treats you and your daughter. You and she deserve so much more than this. You are a valuable, worthwhile, lovable, important woman who is in a bad situation. I believe you have the courage to get out of this marriage and away from this man. Your husband is threatening and isolating you, and I don’t know how much he has. I believe abusive men use verbal threats to control and manipulate women, but their threats are sometimes empty. I don’t know your husband, so I don’t know if he will do what he says.

    My prayer is that you find the strength it takes to be honest with people in person. I pray you are able to talk to people, and keep talking until you find the help you need. May you find courage and hope. May you connect with women who have been through similar situations, who can help you leave your husband. May you find financial support, emotional guidance, and spiritual strength to rebuild your life. And, I pray you protect your daughter and show her that women do not need to stay in homes where men are abusive. Amen.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Laurie

    Gareth, thank you for sharing your insights and tips for women who want to leave their husbands! Your advice is very supportive and valuable, and I love hearing how kind, compassionate, and encouraging men can be. Sometimes I get accused of “men bashing”, but I’m just writing in response to reader comments.

    Here in Canada, one of my favourite radio talk show hosts – Jian Ghomeshi – was recently accused of being violent with women. It’s so sad and I’m heartbroken, because I really liked him. He was fired from the CBC, and is suing them for $55 million dollars.

    The reason I’m thinking of Jian is that you, Gareth, are the antidote to the negativity I feel about Jian! It’s just so good to hear a man standing up for, defending, and encouraging women who want to leave bad relationships. I really appreciate your comments.

    I quoted you in my article about when to end a relationship:

    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/when-to-end-a-relationship/

    My prayers are with your mum’s friend, that she is able to find the strength and courage to continue her journey towards safety, health, and healing.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Amber

    Am a 29 year old stay at home mom. I was born and raised 1000 miles from the state i am in now. I came here to visit friends and thought i had fallen in love. I moved here in 2009, moved away from all of my friends and family. I thought it was my chance to start over, to better myself. My boyfriend is 11 yeas older than me. The first year was amazing. Then i got pregnant. He never came to a drs appt. The night i had my daughter he said he had to go hime and feed the dog. I got a call from a friend he had gone out to the club. I spent three days alone in the hospital. From the day i brought My little angel home until she was about two he did nothing for her. Never changed her fed her got up with her. Nothing. Kept telling me he works and i do t so why should he be doing these things. My daughter is now almost four.he has also til this day never been to her xrs office. Or her daycare with she started last year. She is the most amazing child. He is constantly yelling at her. Threatens to spank her all the time. There have been a few times hes left red marks. Or he will grab her by the arm when hes mad and i yell at him. I keep telling him shes only three and its not right. He tells me im disrespecting him. I try to feed her before he gets home from work becahse otherwise the whole time shes eatinv hes yelling at her “stop using your fingerz, hold your fork this way dont do this dont do that. Its to the point where i cant even finish my food because im so stressed. Here within the last year he has started having these outbursts at me. Hes mad because i recently was diagnoised with pelvic inflammatory disease due to the mirena. And it hurts to have sex. He doesnt care he gets so mad when i dont want to that he will tell me things like im not buyi g you another pity pack of cigarettes or do t ask me for anything. Also he is OCD so no matter how much i clean the house its never enough. He will literally inspect the room i cleaned and point out anything that isnt to his standards. I went back to school this past year to help me be able to care for myself and my daughter. Well on sunday he grabbed my daughter by the arm and i told him to be easy. He starts screaming at her to pick up her puzzle she sat down to pick it up and she was tryinv to tell me something but everytime she went to talk hed yell plPICK UP THE PUZZLE after he said it about cour times i said alright she heard you. He started yelling abouy how i have no respect. A couple mins later she said daddy i do nt like you. He said you know what I Do t care all i said was “Bryan” he looked at me and said i dont wanna hear nothing from you all yu do is take care of Kylee and sit on our a$$. I got my daughter ready and we left. We went to his parents house foralittle while. I came back and he haznt said two words to me since sunday. I have no gas in my car and i have school tomorrow, ive gotta bring my daughter to school in the am. I want out so bad. But i have noone here everyone who cares about me i left 1000 miles away. I feel so stuck. Not to mention im so scared he will fight me for custody his family has money for a good lawyer, mine does not. I feel like everything i do or say is wrong. I kniw within the ne,t few days hes gonna tell me he wants me out and i have no clue where i will go. Anytime he has given me money i have to tell him why i need it and he has to have a recipt. I have no friends here because since i became a stay aT home mom i never have money so i cant really go anywhere to meet people. I feel so alone. And im trying so hard to stay strong for my girl. I do t deserve to be talked to like im nothing abd she does t either.

    • Amber

      There are just too many things to list. But hes always on me about something. Says im making excuses a few months ago a guy ive know since i eas a kid commented on my facebook picture. My b/f woke me uo at seven am ywlling that he wanted me outnof the house yelling me to move back with my mother. And that i couldnt take my daughter.. it scared me thats the only reason im still here. I cant stand the thought of loosing her or of him havig her.

    • Unhappily married

      Can you leave while he’s not home? Go to a shelter with your daughter, or ask a pastor for help? You need to be safe, and your daughter needs to be safe.

    • Amanda

      Did he sign anything when she was born? Or were you married to him at the time of birth? If not then legally he has NO rights to your daughter. Even if he did sign but your not married, you can take her and run. Do NOT leave her with him Bc he could also keep her from you. Honestly the best thing would be to establish custody, so he can’t tell her. Good luck!

  • gareth

    Dear all,

    I am a 43 year old man. My mother, 73, has a female friend about 40, who is in an abusive relationship. He sounds like a right bastard. He sounds a lot like the men described on this forum.

    I do not know my mum’s friend, bar two meetings with her. I do recognize someone in distress, however. I gave her some money and I am now researching what community services we have in our area. It turns out, there are a few. In fact, coincidentally, I actually know a domestic abuse professional who works for the police. She was in the same position herself years ago. Know she works helping women in this situation. She is just about the smartest woman I ever met, and she was in a terrible relationship years ago. Now she helps sort the situation out. I am hoping there is a woman like my friend near to all of you.

    The personal tales on this forum cut me up. For any woman reading this I would just like to say if a man is bullying you never for a moment think it is your fault, or your brought this on yourself. You just have ended up with a really ignorant stupid human being and the first step should be to get out of his physical proximity. His physical energy grows with making you feel bad, so to stop his energy growing get away from him. I know this is what the article is about, and it is hard, but it has to be hard to stay too….and then it will never get any better.

    You might feel he controls you to the point of paralysis. My mum’s friend is in this state. He wakes her in the night, calling her the most horrible names. He takes her clothes, sells her car…takes all the money…I could go on.

    But seek help. My mum’s friend went to the library, free internet, to start the search. Then through talking to my mum, who is not superwoman, she met me. And through me, and others, she is going to get help. She got out a little bit into the world, even though she just wanted to curl up into a ball. They were small steps, talking to people, listening. You never know what social contact is going to bring. We don’t know what is going to happen with my friend…but the static situation of daily bullying is going to change, if I can do something.

    I am telling this lady, my mum’s friend…”you are not an expert in this situation. This is the first time you have been here. It’s been going on for a long time, but it’s still your first time. So get help from experts who have seen 1000 women in this situation. Get some options, all the options. You deserve them and a thousand more. But one you might find out about just might be better than the crap you are dealing with now”.

    Screw “The Secret” and other diluted spiritual nonsense. And don’t go through your garbage looking for coke cans. Get to the internet, find a professional, and tell people who are around you that this is the path you are on. You will find allies.

    Breathe.

    Sidetrack.

    My Dad is a real bully, or would like to be. We are retraining him, day by day. I have had to come and live with my parents to monitor his behavior, for a year at least. This is after years of trying to get my mother to leave him. He’s a bit mental, my dad, but we know he has some good deep inside. But everything on the outside is shit, (if he is in a bad mood). However, now if he starts up, I just appear…and he has to back down. A bit weak really, like a child. These bullies can be a bit pathetic, like their personalities are hanging on by a string. Thats why they have to defend this situation…control…wont let you this…wont let you that…

    you leaving might make their universe fall apart. They might not even notice you’ve gone. Either way, better.

    I’m blathering, and I will stop. I am not a nice man all the time. I have said bad things to my loved ones. I’ve behaved badly, and live with memories of me losing my temper with my partner sometimes, and acting emotionally. I think most men would agree with me, men can be arse-holes. Men and women behave badly, particularly badly with the people they are closest to. This is normal (ish) but not nice, and should be surrounded with apologies and regret.

    But systematic abuse of other human beings is way way beyond this, and if you are suffering from it, then don’t suffer out there in silence. Get help. You might feel you are the most isolated being on the planet, but you can FIGHT to make contact with someone. Pick up the slightest tiniest spiritual reserve you have, that bit of courage you would use to fight for good, and use it to fight for yourself.

    Some people on this planet draw energy from being skilled at an art form, an expert in their field. Some get energy from feeling connected with everyone and seeing how precious life is. Some get energy from calming their mind and conquering their emotions. Some people feel energised by helping others. Some get energy by making others laugh, or even just a smile. Some people just feel good by making their small corner as happy as it can be, in this scared and greedy world.

    If you are living with someone who is getting energy from making you feel bad…when they have so many better options…then get professional help now. You are living with a mental case. They will get stronger as you get weaker so the time to fight back is right fucking now.

    Don’t cut out the coupons, fight to get help. Get the internet. Get your community resources.

    Talk to people.

    And wishing you strength, the love of goodness and the triumph over terrible adversity.

  • Laurie

    Dear Anni,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing your story. It sounds like you’ve been through alot in the 17 years you’ve been with your partner! And you feel stuck and isolated, because of his abuse and your own health issues.

    I wish there was an easier way out for you, because it sounds like you need more than money help. You want to leave your husband, but you feel stuck because there aren’t any people or shelters to help you. You need financial help, but you also need emotional support. And, even if you had all the support in the world, the truth is that it’s very difficult to leave a long-term relationship and start over. It’s not impossible to get money help for women who want to leave their husbands, it’s just a huge endeavor.

    My prayers and thoughts are with you, as you think about what your next step might be. I pray you find the money help you need, and that you’re able to connect with other women who wanted to leave their husbands — and who were successful! May you find a good social worker, counselor, or support group to give you hope and faith and confidence. May you find the help you need, and may you start planning for a chapter of your life.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Anni

    I am trying to get away from my partner. We have 2 children and have been together 17 years, though we are not legally married. I was diagnosed as having schizophrenia well over a decade ago, though it has been suggested that it is actually Asperger’s, and more recently I have developed symptoms of PTSD. I mention this because it is keeping me from leaving.
    From his severe emotional and mental abuse I cannot speak to strangers, beyond online. I don’t talk on the phone. I run and hide when someone comes to my door. I used to be completely different. I had friends, people would come to me for advice. I was outgoing, talented artistically, intelligent in many aspects. Now I am a shell of myself. I barely do anything. I mostly read to pass time, partly as an escape. I don’t mind being alone, I never minded. I don’t want to depend on anyone else but I am in a horrible situation that I cannot get out of. I don’t know how to escape from him on my own and I need help. I feel like I was taken hostage in some ways. He manipulated me, played a victim role, and lied to me from the beginning and I didn’t even notice until almost a year later. I couldn’t see the danger. I didn’t see the subtle abuse, which only grew more monstrous.
    I try to stand up to him and defend myself but it doesn’t matter what I do. He keeps doing the same things to me over and over. For example, he does the total opposite of what he says he will do. Daily. He also twists events around that happened, and tells me I have said and done things I know I have not (gaslighting). He is so cruel to me, but then he is completely different around other people, always helping them and kind. He never believes he is to blame for anything he does. He will burn food and blame everything but himself when he was the only one in the kitchen. He spends money recklessly, drives recklessly. I refuse to pay his tickets anymore. He lost his license from the accumulation of speeding tickets and I was forced to drive him to and from work for a year once. He dresses up in fancy, strange, clothing, for attention. The few times he does say anything to me it is to make sarcastic, bullying remarks, and when I call him out on them he blames me for not being able to take a joke. In fact when he does anything hurtful, if I tell him, he gets angry at me for asking him to stop. yet all the while he is bullying and making fun of me he will call me affectionate names, like “baby” and tells me constantly he loves me though he treats me like an enemy.
    I have tried being nice. I tried fighting back. I have mirrored him. I have ignored him. He hasn’t even noticed. His behavior never changes. He intentionally ignores me in extreme ways. If I speak he completely blocks me out. He will often fall asleep or just walk away if I ask him a question. He will ask me something and I will tell him the answer, and he will ask a dozen more times. It is all intentional.

    His neglect was so severe once, he did it non-stop for several months and didn’t say one word to me. I thought I was a ghost and didn’t know it. He made me question my very existence and it was maddening beyond words.
    Another example…I had a dear friend pass away, she was murdered, I was so shocked, I cried for nearly a month. I was so deeply depressed over the loss and the tragic way she died. He told me he didn’t notice I was even slightly depressed or anything was wrong.

    He plays all sorts of cruel tricks on me and lies compulsively about anything, even small meaningless things like what he ate. He makes up fanciful, elaborate stories about himself to strangers. He has cheated on me over 80 separate times, the last which I found out 2 years ago. He spreads all sorts of lies about me and our children, too. He gets obsessed with strangers and acts like an entirely different person around them often making up an entirely different history every time, to use them for feeding his attention seeking, low-ego, and if he can get it, sex. It’s like living with Jekyll and Hyde.

    He has borderline personality disorder, and though it affects individuals differently, for him it is properly labeled as Casanova syndrome. He has been in and out of therapy, when he goes. He was also hospitalized for suicide. I saved his life once and I regret it. When I found out about all the affairs, 2 years ago, I demanded he had to leave he pretended to get a bag of clothes and overdosed on a cocktail of over-the-counter pain pills.
    I would never intentionally hurt anyone but he is so cruel, he makes me regret saving him. I often wish I let him die instead of inducing vomiting and having rushed him to the ER.

    I barely eat. I can’t sleep. My hair is falling out. I keep gaining weight though I only have a few small pieces of food a week. I am so exhausted all the time. I don’t go outside very often. I rarely see sunlight. I broke a tooth 2 months ago and can’t call a dentist for an appointment because my anxiety of people is so extreme.

    I feel like he is intentionally killing me in some secret way, that it gives him some kind of pleasure. When I was better, before I stopped being able to speak to others, I tried finding a therapist in the tiny “city” I live in, and they all refused to take me as a patient. They would tell me they didn’t have the time to treat me properly. They wouldn’t even try.

    I have nowhere to go. I have no friends anymore. I tried to go to my family and they told me to just stay with him because they cannot help me. They didn’t even care. They were also severely abusive to me through my entire childhood, physically and mentally. There are no shelters where I live and even if there was one, I don’t see how I could go because people terrify me. I don’t leave my house. I can’t be in crowds or groups of any sort.
    I feel like I am dead and my children are being destroyed. I feel such guilt for not being able to care for them better. I try to tell myself it will be okay, that it will change, an opportunity will come, it cannot stay this way forever, but it isn’t working. I feel like I have failed for not having the resources to leave him. I receive disability but often he doesn’t work and we live off of my tiny income.

    I don’t know what to do. I feel like the only way out is if I die. I am a prisoner in my own home. I don’t trust anyone because of all the horrible things he has done to me. I have been scouring the internet for a long time trying to find some ideas, some way out and the only thing I keep seeing is though the circumstances may be slightly different, I am far from alone.

    • Susan

      Dear Anni,
      My heart goes out to you. Your situation is almost the exact same as mine. It is covert abuse. It is very damaging because the abuser not only makes us question our own sanity, but slowly wears away the few supports we have had. Like you ,I have no supports (they all abused me anyway) and have been unable to find a therapist to treat me. I have Aspergers traits and depression. Now because of my husband, I have almost debilitating anxiety and have to work full time although horrible hubby takes all the money. My husband changed almost exactly a year after we married, and he engages in many of the same awful abuse tactics as your partner does (the gaslighting, constant lying, irresponsible behavior). It has been the worst thing I have ever been through. Thank you for your post. It really helped me to feel less isolated. Do not give up!!! You have helped me so much tonight. I am sure that you are helping other women as well. You are in my prayers. Susan

    • Sheryl

      I am so sorry you’re going through this! I am going through the same situation. Living on limited income has made it difficult for me to be able to get it. Do you have any family in another state or area you can stay with? Something has to give! You have the same issue with anxiety, and not being able to be around alot of people, but the thing is, I’m sure he knows that and that’s why he’s using your situations against you! He’s trying to make it to where he’s not going to change, and knows it will be difficult for you to leave because of situations that won’t allow you to! You have to pull everything out of you, and leave! He’s going to drain you in every aspect, and believe me without proper help, he’s not going to change! It will get much worse believe me. I’ve been going through this for nine years and not a single change! you have got to be the one who overcomes your obstacles and say, if I don’t leave your mind will be so overwhelmed from it you will lose a part of yourself that will be hard to get back! You definitely dont want kids being exposed to this types of behavior, they will do this as a adult, or go through this as a adult. I’m sure you wouldn’t want that to happen! Also you don’t want them when they get older to have questions to why you didnt leave! Its extremely hard, believe I’ve been trying to get out of this for years myself. I don’t have any kids with him, I have one and my son is grown, but my family looks at me like whats wrong with you that your staying! the answer is my self esteem is gone! I’m sure your’s is also. Sometimes we tell ourselves things and really underneath it all, we dont have the confidence! You have to say, you know what, if I go to a shelter, they might help me, they might dont, but honestly, What do I seriously have to lose right now! Believe me, if you left unfortunately, hes gonna move on and do this to someone else. He really sounds like a socialpath, and their is honestly no medication for that or nothing! God can deliver him from it only! So with that being said, dont tell yourself that you cant be around people, and start to really try to be open for change. You dont want these things to keep you in this type of situation by no means.If you need to contact me to talk, you can reach me through fuller.sherelle@gmail.com, sometimes people need support I was also in a previous abusive relationship that I got out of, try not to be scared and take a chance it can change your life into happiness, god bless!

  • Laurie

    Dear puttingmyfootdown,

    It sounds like you’ve been through so much with your husband and family – financially, emotionally, spiritually, and socially! It’s been quite the roller coaster, it seems, and you’re ready to get off that ride.

    Do you have a plan to leave? Creating a financial plan with a practical list of things to do can be very helpful when you’re leaving your husband. And, getting support from friends you trust (not money necessarily, but emotional support).

    Leaving your husband isn’t just about getting money help, is it? It’s about taking care of tons of loose ends so you can start fresh and new. But that’s easier said than done!

  • puttingmyfootdown

    Continued…

    The dog. I bought a pure bred off my sister’s friend. One of them has this great idea! They would call their friend who had a stud and when the puppies were born they’d share the profits with me. Um, wait. What? You’ll share the profits with me? But first let’s go over the facts #1, it is MY dog not my husband’s and #2, the fact that I signed a contract saying I could only breed under certain conditions or I’d get sued. The second my dog could get fixed, she was.
    One of them finished college (thanks to our taxes because of course, they were able to cry wolf that we kicked them out of the house and got a full boat of welfare) and the other had the guts to want to have the party at our new residence, which is owned by my family member. The weekend that my family member and I were to set off to go visit other family was a perfect weekend and of course the only weekend they had available. Yes, seriously. They thought they could just come and throw a bash at someone else’s home they hardly knew.
    And sadly, my husband thinks their behavior is perfectly normal and okay. I’m the royal “b” word and if I say “no” to any of their schemes, I’m not being fair or considerate of them. Huh?
    So because I do not support them for lack of morals and for the constant disrespect I, in return, am to suffer. I have no access to our bank account information and it’s none of my business what my husband makes or takes home each week because I might catch on to how much he gives them. Yes, he “helps them out” still. Even after what they did and never spoke a word of “I’m sorry, what can we do to help fix this”…I’m not allowed to grocery shop without him, I can only drive my vehicle (that’s in his name) to where he approves, I should get a job to help him help out them (I absolutely refuse to work until they are out of my life). And my favorite, when we go on vacation one of the tags along with their child totally expense free but heaven forbid I had the guts to ask for a new $18 track suit from Walmart because mine is ripped, ragged, and doesn’t have life left.
    And most recent and why I will not back down and have decided this is what pushed me off the cliff…One of them showed up to my child’s birthday party with this great idea of an account they wanted to open in my child’s name. All they needed was my child’s social security number. Immediately the red flag flashed before me. My husband couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t give in or didn’t want to because this was “such an awesome thing”! Yeah good idea but only when it’s controlled and put on my table by the right people! So I told thanks but NO thanks and I did appreciate the information. Later I tried expressing my legitimate reasons as to why I didn’t feel comfortable (and yes I had to explain my discomfort because of the house thing, my husband forgot! *eyeroll*) and thinking my husband understood and agreed with me I felt okay but still had a gut feeling…yup! Days later my husband still went behind my back and gave this crook my child’s vital information! I found out by the welcome letter in the mail. They refuse to cancel the account so I did what I had to do. Took a family member up on their offer of paying for a lawyer. These crooks will never do me or my children wrong again.
    Oh yeah, and if I leave him, I’ll have nothing. I won’t have a car but that’s it. I have my respect for myself and kids, I have my morals to trust in Gid. I have all I need.

  • puttingmyfootdown

    It is a really great feeling to know my feelings do not stand alone. As I read through my heartaches for each of you because I do know how it feels to be treated so low, especially when you do and give so much. Although our stories may not be exact; they are all a bond that only each of us will ever understand.
    Here’s my story:
    I have been with my husband for 10 years. We’ve only been married for a year. He is a fun person to be around, kids just adore him as he does them, and he is great with building things (just built me a greenhouse as a matter of fact), we both enjoy the same things in life; where to vacation, where to live, etc. If you saw he and I on the street you’d most likely think we “had it made”, as do most of our friends and family.
    Well….there’s obviously a reason I felt a need to search for ways to leave. And there is. In fact, there is what feels like a million reasons to go. After 10 years, finally, I am making my exiting plan.
    See, my husband has this group of people called “family”, in this this case just two members (three if you count a child already learning from them) who have done nothing but constantly caused problems. These family members have this “thing” that they feel everyone else’s hard earned money and possessions are theirs. If a vacation is spoken of, they have a dozen reasons why they should go too but of course, on our or another’s dime.
    The first year I met my husband he was convinced into real estate with these “family members”. Needless to say my husband and I are still unable to get a home loan for many more years to come and have had to resort to living with my family. And us getting a new vehicle or credit card like they can, HA! Even though my name was not on the home guess who’s credit still got dragged through the mud? You’re right, not their’s! And yes, I was naive. I was dumb. I thought “saving” the house was going to be a nice reward for my little family. Yes, because they convinced me that if I put all the bills (which they ran up) in my name and was able to “put the house in my name”, the house would get saved, my little family would live in it, and the best part I’d have about $50,000 to not only pay of my college loans but to fix the house up and gain more equity! And I fell for it.
    So you’d think they wouldn’t have guts to ask, beg, or expect? Haha! Yeah…no. Nope. I got a dog from my sisters friend

  • Laurie

    It sounds like many women are completely helpless when it comes to getting financial help to leave their husbands. This is very sad, and I’m sorry some women are going through this. It seems like it’d be a terrible feeling, to feel trapped in a marriage because of money. After reading the comments women have left here, I feel like some women have no choice. They’re stuck in unhappy marriages, and they can’t leave.

  • Laurie

    Dear Joanna,

    I am very sorry to hear what you’re going through – and I don’t think money is the solution to your problems with your husband. No matter how much money you had, you’d still be scared of him.

    Who is the strongest person you know? Who can help pull you out of your marriage? Tell me the names of two women or men who can help you leave your husband. Then, tell me what you’ll say to them, so they help you.

  • Laurie

    Dear Ashley,

    Are you able to attend a church by yourself? I think that’s the first thing I’d do if I were in your situation. Start reaching out to the community and the people around you, and try not to rely on your fiance for any type of support. I’m sorry to say this, but I think you need to rely on yourself. Your fiance won’t give you the love or respect you need — or that your children deserve.

    Go to church, go to a women’s Bible Study, and build your own family. That’s even more important than finding money to leave your husband!

  • joanna

    Hi my name is Joanna iam 26 years old have 3beautiful kids and been married 9years with and abusive “man” our realationship started great but once we started living together he started being abusive fiscally and verbally i was too in “love” to leave him so i didn’t we started having kids and in between he was still acting up plus he startedccheating and sleeping around and puttin me down now its been a year thats full of discussion he’s getting so verbally aggressive he puts me and my family down saying iam nothing that iam just a parasite that iam never going to be something in life that my sisters are only gold diggers bitches and that my parents are nothing cause they never did nothing in life hes also said that he wants my sister he alsoleft my bruised from my arm andhe hit my oldest son with a belt on his back and i have ppicturesto proof it and so on so nowits been almost 5months that we have not had sex and we talk to my pparents and we decided we were going to separate but now he doesnt want to move out or leave my alone he says if he’s not happy he’s never going to leave me be happy and he ddoesn’t want me to go out to visit my cousins he wants to take and bring me back from where ever i want to go nobody can come visit me and if he takes the kids for the weekend i have to stay home alone cause he gets mad. Iam scared to leave because he’ says that he could take the kids away cause i don’thave a job or a place to move out iam very sstressed out i need someone to tell me what to do please

  • Ashley

    I have been with my fiance for 7 years. We have two kids together, a one year old and a two year old… He has always worked and I have always went to school. Now things have turned violent and he constantly stays on his phone which is password protected to the T. I just don’t know what to do. Two years into a relationship we moved from KY to FL and we have lived here every since. We do not attend a church, although I would like to and I do not have any living family. I just dont know how to live and be able to provide for my two little babies by myself. I don’t even know where to start. I am lost and I want to be happy again. I just feel like my life is done that this is what I am going to have to deal with. The romance is gone. My birthday was in November, nothing. Our 7 year anniversary was in April, nothing not even a gift or a meal. VAlentines Day, nothing. He can afford it because he works as a manager at a huge air conditioning plant and makes 16.75 an hour.. I just need help and guidance.

  • Laurie

    Hello Amanda, have you tried counseling on your own? Sometimes we need an objective opinion to sort through stuff. Talking to a counselor might give you insight into your marriage and your reasons for staying married. You might even get advice on how to leave your husband – and how to find money to live on your own.

  • Amanda

    Hello me and my husband just hit our 19th anniversary, we have always had a rocky relationship, there has been no trust from the mo net we had met, there has been abuse, we have stuck through it though mainly for our children, I am feeling more and more unhappy, like, if i dont get out soon Im never going to be myself again, I have suggested counseling, although we have done it before and they put my husband on medication, so hes says he doesn’t want to be put on anything so he wont go, I do feel stuck and alone, we literally live two separate lives, the weird thing about it though is we are still sexually active, and the only reason I am is because I like sex… our finances are put together and everything is in both of our names including our mortgage, I know I couldnt make the mortgage and car payments on my own, I could really use some advise…

  • Laurie

    Hi Connie,

    Thanks for your thoughts on my article about saving money to leave your husband. You’re right; my tips won’t help all women leave their husbands. Yes, it would be helpful to have a list of resources so each woman knows the exact type of help she could get in her community. It’s a huge undertaking, and there are no easy answers that fit everyone.

    Sincerely,
    Laurie

  • connie

    I read your tips for getting cash to leave a husband and I was astounded at how completely useless your tips are. A woman trying to leave a relationship can’t always do all the things you suggest. I’m disabled, physically unable to do any of these things. To suggest to anyone to go to a neighbor’s house asking for odd jobs is ridiculous! Are you from a tiny town? I live in a city in California where murders are common and neighbors don’t look at each other and certainly don’t talk to each other. I don’t know if you want to help or hinder with the suggestions you made. It’s all completely unfeasible. An older woman who is physically disable cannot go about collecting discarded cans! Are you kidding? I hope you’ll take down you tips and quips and get real. Offer some REAL workable solutions, and at least give community resource information. Try to think outside the box you’re using and think of ALL women, ALL ages, and the fact that these suggestions you make would take quite a long time to make a dent in a woman getting money together to leave a bad situation. You sound like you’re living in a silly dream world. I’m not trying to insult you. I’m merely reacting to what I’ve just read on your website and hope you’ll realize people come here looking for good information. Yours gives your readers the feeling that it’s hopeless, it’ll never happen for them, and then to tell a reader “small steps” when they need help and are feeling desperate puts a frivolous and uncaring spin on this.

    • Galene

      I completely agree. I’ll let you in on a little secret Connie, when your husband makes $100k a year but you have no access to a penny of it, you won’t find financial help at any social service offices because the household income is too high. Yes, you may have assets (your half of property that is owned, maybe you have a car) but you have NO liquidity and that is what a person needs to move. Some of us who are being financially abused have no or bad credit, so bank accounts and credit cards are not going to happen. My husband has removed my name from all bank accounts, he stashes cash away and I have no idea where he stashes it. Luckily we have no debt. In my case, the only think I do have is my part of the house (only because he can’t get my name off the deed) and that is not something that will pay for a divorce, nor an attorney, nor the deposit and first months rent. Ask others for help? I have no family, my friends are not in a position to assist and my neighbors wouldn’t know me if they saw me out somewhere. Save change from the grocery? He does the grocery shopping, he wouldn’t give me a dollar to buy groceries, this makes me laugh. Buy a gift card? WITH WHAT? I have been saving change whenever he graces me with a few dollars but today, I discovered what I had been saving is gone, he must have found it and decided it was his. Get a job, wow, that sounds like an excellent plan. Except when you are considered a senior citizen employers are not lining up to hire you no matter how many applications you submit. It’s just not as easy to save a few thousand dollars as you make it sound. Every penny I manage to scrape up has to go for doctor copays (no, he does not pay for me to see a doctor for my chronic medical condition, he sees it as unnecessary.) If it was as easy as you seem to think it is, I would have been out of here 20 years ago.

  • Laurie

    Dear Brenda,

    Getting financial help to leave a marriage is often one of the biggest obstacles! It may be even more difficult when you’re of retirement age (though some people don’t retire until age 70 and beyond).

    Thank you for being here, and for sharing your experience. I wish I had the right words or the right advice to give. I also wish I could offer money help to all women who want to leave their husbands, but alas. As you know, money don’t grow on trees.

    What resources are in your city or neighborhood? Have you looked into local women’s shelters or community organizations? Sometimes the only way to get help is to start knocking on doors and sharing our needs with people. Can you tell me what options are available to you, what things you’ve already tried?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Brenda Pruitt

    I am a 66 year old woman I really have no skills to work out side home.when I married women stayed home and took care of children and home.i was happy to do that .my children are grown and have their own family’s.i have a lot of health issues I have degenerative and crippling arithiritis. I am a Christian we have had a fairly good marriage,he was hard on our children,growing up but has always provided for us.as long as things went his way everything was ok.but he always treats me like I am not as good as he is ,I’ dumb,ican’t do anything right.all he thinks about is sex ,when it’s over ,he was never happy with my performance.years ago he had affairs (which was my fault) after they were over I forgave him we had 3 small children and I thought it was the best thing to do now that aim older i truly regret that decision.as the years i lived with criticism about everything he wanted to know where I was who I was with what I was doing every minute of the day .it got worse he accused me of everything everyday when he came home he continually harassed me about who i had been with what man I was withi will try to make this shorter I have lived with this for years verbal abuse ,disgusting things 4 years ago we lost our grandson .He was the most In my husband!s life in his pain and greif he has taken that on in verbally hurtful igrieve alone in silence.he has been retired for several years so he is home all the time ,it is so much worse.He was in the National guard for 40 years he has insurance that pays for our medications.If i leave I don’t think I would be able to keep that.ihave Medicare but it won’t pay for medications that I need to be able to function I draw 608.00 per month social security.Where is there help for women like me?

  • Laurie

    Thanks, K, for the suggestion to read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne! That’s a great way to get money to leave your husband – the book encourages you to visualize and start working your way towards getting what you need and want in life.

  • Laurie

    If you feel trapped in a relationship and you have no money to leave, it may be helpful to start thinking in terms of where you CAN go and what you CAN do to get out.

    I don’t know what friends, relatives, or resources you have in your life, but I believe there is a lifeline there somewhere. Sometimes when we’re feeling trapped in bad marriages, all we see are the closed doors and dead ends. We focus on our feelings of helplessness and powerlessness, and we feel trapped and alone.

    It’s not just money you need to leave your husband. Many women have money, and stay in terrible marriages. Often, what you need is one lifeline, one thread of hope, one person who supports you. I believe that if you look around your life, you will find that person who can help you do what you need to do.

    I believe in you, that you have the power and strength to recreate your life. Do you believe in yourself?

  • Helpmeplease

    Someone please give me advise! My husband and I live thousands of miles from our family now because he is military. My mom is homeless and lives in a shelter, my grandmas husband is a sex offender so even if I did have a plane ticket back home I would have any where to go. Regardless of what you may think the army family advocates suck and do not help if you need to leave a military spouse. Only offer counselling and food/resources if you stay married. We’ve already been to counseling and it has not helped. I do not have any children so its hard to find a shelter. And since we are in California the shelters are overpopulated and there is no room. And the nice ones are specifically focused on mothers and the Hispanic population. My husband is very controlling and manipulative. I cannot laugh too hard at the TV without having to explain why. He also wakes me up several times during the night for me to give him oral sex, sex, and to ask me what I am dreaming about and if it was about him. So I am constantly tired. I do have a job but its not even 9000 a year and he spends all of it on smoking and drinking . He also calculates my check so I can’t hide extra money. We share a car and when he’s mad at me he doesn’t take me to work so my managers hate me. When he gets mad he slams me into walls and sometimes will twist my neck to “calm me down” and since I slapped him for that the other night( I couldn’t breath) he said he would tell police I’m abusing him.

    • Ninfa Doyle

      Leave him before he kills you, look at your own resources, ( education, skills etc.) in California everything you own as a married couple is community property and you’ll get half, including his pension and other benefits, assuming you have been together at least ten years. Good luck.

  • Alone in a cage

    Hi, I have no kids, no job, no car, no family, no friends. My husband is severely mentally ill, emotionally and verbally abusive. I’ve been married for not quite four years and wanted out for the last three. We don’t even have a bank account since we live on his SSI that comes on a card now. I also have no phone, no TV, nothing I could sell on E-bay, even this post is on a library computer. I was in a very bad place when I met my husband, parents were about to arrange a marriage for me, and my husband and I were at least the same age, had a couple things in common, and he didn’t think I was ugly.

    I really don’t know how to get out. We have no friends or neighbors who could help. I’m trapped in fundy-ville, and a lot of people we know think it’s a sin to divorce for ANY reason, let alone when there has been no adultery.

    • K

      Read “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne on your next trip to the library. If you can’t find it at the library sneak a preview at a major bookstore like Barnes and Noble. If you can get your hands on the video that’s Eve better. Also google ‘ the lilac tree’.

      …and by the way, always believe you are beautiful because you are you.

  • Laurie

    Thanks for your comments, Ludy. I think it’s important to try and keep your own stash of money separate from your husband’s money, so you can be financially independent and strong. Even if you don’t want to leave your husband, you need to be able to stand on your own two feet.

    • Helpmeplease

      Also he is very smart so it seems he is one step ahead and his mom is a defense attorney so she will kill to keep him out of trouble. Some days I work from 9-6 and he gets off at 3 and is like where’s dinner when he knows I’m so tired. And on his off day he plays video games all day and ruins the house and so I spend my whole off day cleaning and washing at the Laundromat walking several trips to get coins and haul clothes cause he wont leave the car. He has also cheated on me twice( that I know of) I’m always so tired and depressed. When he’s mad he tells me to pack so he can “send me back” but I wouldn’t have anywhere to stay. I wish I could leave. Its so frustrating sometimes I wish I could go back in time and not meet him. And sometimes I want to die cause there doesn’t seem to be a way out.

  • Ludy

    I’ve been married for 34 years, unlike many of you in this blog I am not going into thorough analysis of my dysfunctional sexless and loveless marriage of convenience. For about past 10 years I am so READY to leave.
    Even though, Laurie gives the advice to stash the cash and to open separate bank account, in the eyes of legal system spouses can’t keep money a secret from one another, as everything would be divided.

    Even lottery winnings would be divided between spouses. Doesn’t matter if you’ve got $3, or $3K hidden- all will be taken from you and divided. In worse case, everything might be taken from you!

    if there is a trusting friend, or relative it might work, but if there isn’t , lawyers will “make their ” business to find hidden assets!

    • stayinganonymous

      I am in pretty much the same boat Ludy. We’ve been together for 32 years now and when I quit drinking 8 years ago I realized what a selfish little man he was. We were only drinking buddies all those years. I am talking with church friends who have invested in real estate and have small rentals and am stashing everything I can. He drinks every night after work, coming home when he darn well feels like it and doesn’t have enough respect or courtesy to even give me an explanation OR excuse. I’m through with the fights and the disrespect. He can find himself another “maid”. I only work part time but am trying to sell an old vacant property I invested in years ago and that will be my “cushion” until I can get another part-time job or a full time job. I cannot live like this the rest of my live! In fact, I can’t live like this very much longer! I hide at my computer pretending to do extra work that I didn’t get done because I cannot stand to listen to his drivel all evening as he relives every moment of his day.

  • Laurie

    Dear Pamela,

    Thank you for being here, and for sharing your story. It sounds like your husband’s health has really taken a toll on his mood and personality, as well as your marriage.

    I don’t think anyone should be guilted into staying in an unhappy marriage. He’s manipulating you by saying that he’ll suffer if you leave. It’s a terrible circumstance to be in – both for him and for you – but he is an adult. It’s not your job to care for him…but your vows did say “in sickness and in health”!

    I think you should talk this through with a counsellor. I can’t tell you if you should leave your husband. But, I don’t think you should stay in an unhappy relationship because it’s not good for you or your kids.

    This is a huge moral decision that requires a great deal of thought (and prayer, if you’re a believer!). The more you talk it through with objective people that you trust, the better able you’ll see what you should do.

    I hope this helps, and welcome you back anytime to write out your feelings.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Pamela

    I have been married to my husband for 15 years. We have a 7 and 3 yr old both girls. We have always had a rocky relationship. But sinve he has become disabled it seems that it has become even worse. He has decided for whatever reason that he doesn’t want to take care of himself. So with this said it has taken a toll on myself as well as my kids. The doctors have told him if you don’t change and start taking care of yourself you will not be here long to take care of your family. I work a full time job and I am saving money to get out. My only thing is I. Know within myself that if I leave him he will not last long and he uses this against me. I need help in deciding what I should do. I can also say that my oldest child and him do not get a long and she has told me a lot lately to just leave daddy. Please give me some advice.
    P.s he won’t go to counseling.

  • Laurie

    Shamelle,

    It does sound like you’re stuck! I’m struggling to find something to say that is helpful, but I can’t.

    It doesn’t sound like you want to leave him…you want him to change. But he won’t change, so you’re stuck with him the way he is, or you’re forced to make a major upheaval in your life and sell the house, file for divorce, and start over on your own.

    What would that be like?

  • Laurie

    MsWisdom, I wish it were that easy! It takes alot of time before those alimony and child support payments come out of his paycheques. And if he doesn’t get paid in cash, it’s even more difficult.

    If you want to leave your husband, it’s better to try and have your own money. Easier said than done.

  • Shamelle

    I’m married to a lazy, insecure, bullying, drinker. He’s never violent or physically abusive, but can be terribly insulting to me. He does have good sides, he cooks and shops, but there his contribution ends. If he cooks, he never even soaks a pot, so that I have to spend the evening after work cleaning his mess. Only for him to repeat the process the next day. He cooks because he knows this is the only thing he can do, does not have the cop on to see the amount of massive jobs that need to be done in the house. We don’t need his food, but we do need the hot water to be fixed. My son adores him, like I said, he’s not a bad man. Just a bit useless and a mistake I made. I’m a bigger eejit not to have listened to my head years ago. Problem now is we have a mortgage. I work full time and he is self-employed. Somehow he has managed to put in more ‘work’ hours than my 43 hour week. My timeoff is spent cleaning the house, I wouldn’t bother but it’s not fair on our son to live in a pigsty. He still spends hours on Facebook drinking wine, then going to bed too late and waking up moody. He’s either hungover or drinking these days. Have tried to talk to him, he manages to spin it into an argument and sulks for hours. All I want is for him to grow up and see that we need to make a plan, this is no life. I can’t drag our son away to a life of uncertainty, but I can’t leave him with him as he will end up neglected and sad, so I’m stuck. And he knows this.

  • MsWisdom

    Ladies once you decide to file for divorce you can request child support and alimony from your ex. This money can come right out of his weekly pay check which is set up by the court upon request and be sent to you.

  • Laurie

    Dear Kim,

    I think it’s great, how strategic and thoughtful you are in planning your “escape”! It sounds like you’ll have enough money not only to leave your husband, but to move to Hawaii or Mexico and retire 🙂

    Thank you for your comments, and for inspiring other women to start saving up and thinking ahead.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • kim

    I started funneling 200.00 bucks each payday (that’s 400 a month) from account where my hubby’s checks were deposited into. And I just forgot about it! and I saved other money here and there into my mad money fund stashed at my house. It’s important ladies to build up these accounts, but also very important to build up cash too for emergencies where you can’t wait for the bank to open to get yourself away from abuse and into a safe motel room for you and your kids. I personally stash my cash in a empty lysol wipes plastic container that sits with other cleaning products under my sink. My hubby would never find it since he would never ever be cleaning anything in our house. people who come to rip off your house while you’re away usually don’t clean either as they toss your pad.
    My plan is a four year plan. I’ve got two in already, two to go. I’ve cleaned up my credit and keep an eye on it to make sure it’s always in good standings and so I can rent anywhere I find thats safe and affordable when the time comes for this girl to say see ya

  • Laurie

    “Go, be the woman you were created to be. It’s never too late to be happy.”

    I love that, RJ — thank you for writing it! And thank you for sharing your story, I wish you all the best as you free yourself and live a bigger, better life.

    Stay connected – let us know how you’re doing!

  • RJ

    Hello,

    I’m glad I came across your article, it reminded me about where I am in my own personal journey. I dated my husband a year before we got married and we are coming up on our 2 year marriage anniversary and 3 year couples anniversary. Sadly I didn’t have much time to get to know my husband before things got serious and we were separated a lot of the time because he had joined the military months after we started dating.

    I can really only blame myself because I was exposed to a lot of signs. He was extremely jealous, insecure, and immature but instead of running like I should have, I felt the need to “prove” to him that I wasn’t a cheater like his past girlfriends. Flash forward three years, he hasn’t changed and things have gotten a lot worse. Because of his highly stressful job, and drug history that I didn’t know about, my husband is a legal substance abuser. His choice of drug: Spice. Spice is synthetic cannabis and it’s 10X as more potent than regular majiuana. His addiction has spun out of control and it has pushed me away. Among the addiction, he has grown emotionally abusive and has physically broken a lot of my things in bouts of anger.

    My husband is so far in his addiction that no one can tell him anything. I was told to report him to his command and that went absolutely nowhere. He self referred himself and never tested positive because it is extremely hard to test for spice. It also doesn’t stay in ones blood stream too long and they have to send the results to Georgia just to find anything. He has gone from a 1.5g pack a week to 3.5-5g per day. It has literally taken control of my marriage.

    He no longer sleeps in my bed, yet wants sexual contact with me, so I’m alone in my room. This saddens me but doesn’t bother me as I’d prefer to be in my own world using my free time to make and save money than to be around him when he’s high 24/7. He destroys our home, vomits any and everywhere (without cleaning it up) has extreme uncontrolable bowel issues, coughs uncontrollably, and walks around like a zombie. He’s also “borrowed” from me without my permission to suffice his addiction. His latest act was to total our $17,000 vehicle on his way to buy more and now would rather pay a taxi to get more than to pay a taxi to get groceries for our home. I feel neglected, cheated, and angry a lot of the time. I started a small business and desperately needed the car and he totaled it beyond compare, now my small business is on hold.

    I have found some work from home that is a bit alternative, though legal, which will get me quick cash and fast. My family is spread out all over the US and I much prefer to struggle on my own. I have given my husband a 6 month “turn around” period in order to make this work. Unfortunately for him he isn’t trying to change, and refuses to get help and he has 4 months left. I am plotting, saving, and mentally preparing myself for my move this August. I hope to have $7,000 saved up in order to restart my life. I’m a little scared, but I’m looking forward to being free from my marriage.

    Thankfully I am still in my 20s and we have no children and I can start over without really looking back. It’s extremely hard to love someone so much who is just damaging themselves and the person they claim to love. Unfortunately with drugs/alcohol involved a human being will always come second and I’m not okay with that. He expects me to just except him as he is and just deal with his addiction. It’s tough because you love them deep down even when they hurt you over and over. I used to melt when he would go on his knees begging me not to leave or report him. I took him back each time but he has to hit bottom and he won’t with me here. I’m here to say that I will not stand for it in my life and I’m getting out before this all becomes too familiar. Before I no longer feel I have a voice.

    I can only pick up the pieces and move on while I’m still young. I can’t imagine having a child with him and I refuse to. I saw these signs but I thought that he was serious about changing his life around. His father and brothers are addicts as well and he was trying to move away from it all when he joined the military. Sometimes the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and it’s up to us as females to know someone before settling down, making a commitment, and being trapped. I know you cannot always predict the future but never again will I go into a relationship without an exit strategy. I thankfully have a separate bank account.

    Kuddos to the ladies who’ve shared their stories, kudos to those of you who got out, and I pray for you ladies who are reading this and are still stuck. If you get tired of being sick and tired you WILL push through any hinderances and break out of that relationship. Never feel hopeless as long as you have breath in your lungs. If not for yourself, do it for your children. He has NO power over you, mentally, physically or financially. Do not believe that. Ever. You can walk away, and you WILL when you get good and ready to. Just know that there are organizations out there who will gladly except you, feed, and clothe you. Don’t be embarassed or afraid to take yourself and or your child and stay in a shelter until you get on your feet. There are lots of programs who will put you up in an apartment or a home, give you food, and even job courses/classes. It’s never too late to be who you’ve always wanted to be, no matter how beat or worn down or old you are.

    And never forget to “check” any new men that come into your life. You could be repeating the cycle or even inviting a stranger who claims he wants to help you but only wants to prey on your children when you least expect it. Take it from me, I’m a child sexual abuse survivor who was hurt and molested by several different men while being raised by a single mother.

    Go, be the woman you were created to be, it’s never too late to be happy. I’m 28 and in 4 short months I’m freeing myself and I’m going to live the best life I can, without him.

    R

  • ASH

    I appreciate the tips in this article and I am like many of the ladies. I quit my job almost a year ago to be a SAHM. Ive since enrolled in school and finished a certification course. My husband is a alcoholic and I’ve decided to file for separation but I have no job no money and can’t get government Assistance cause we still live in the same house. I He changed our checking account so I would no longer have access to it. I have started doing many of the suggestions in this article till I have enough money to move out. These comments have helped me because I know there are others who know what I’m going through. If anyone would like to share suggestions or just vent feel free to email me at ash12231981@gmail.com Thanks and be blessed

  • Laurie

    Dear E Joyce,

    Thank you for your comment; I’m sad you don’t have enough money to leave your husband. I often think my articles about love and relationships don’t have the solutions. They’re tips, but I realize they don’t offer solutions for everyone.

    Does your husband support you financially? Sometimes we have to make sacrifices – like staying with a man because we can’t afford to leave. It’s hard and sad.

    Life isn’t for the faint-hearted, is it?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • E Joyce Morris

    I am 66 years old and was basically forced out of my postion over a year ago. My social security is tied up because I am in repayment mode until at least September.
    My husband is a narcisstic personality and he does not see a problem with having a “relationship” with a woman that is a volunteer at the hospital where he works. He’s planning on giving her and her parents plants for Easter.
    I am trying to set aside money but there are so many bills that are having to be paid that it is difficult to get too much at a time without something going into default.

  • Laura

    I have no idea what to do anymore. I am in an awful marriage with a man who is a pathological liar with a “sex addiction”. He has been emotionally unavailable to me for the duration of our marriage and has spent much of his time and our money having sex with prostitutes, even when I was in the hospital, etc. His parents are aware of what he has done, yet treat me as if I were a waste of life and disrespect me constantly. I live in a house owned by his parents and him. I am a SAHM to a pre-schooler and an infant. I have no family. I have desperately been trying to get out of the marriage for years. All money I had saved prior to being a SAHM was spent by him as I had trusted him and put all my money in a joint account. My kids are exposed to constant fighting and always see their mother disrespected and upset. It has already affected the pre-schooler. I am at the end of my rope.

  • SoL

    I am a mother of three my son 11, daughter 7 and the baby we have together is 2. My two older ones are not his. He has been cheating on me ever since I became pregnant that I know. I had a job Army active duty for 5 years he made me get out, end my time in service because he thought it would be best that I needed to spend more time with the kids. I have his two kids from his previous marriage living with us for the past year and a half. A boy 8 and girl 7 so I have 5 kids in my home. I have put up with a lot. he also gave a sexually transmitted disease but thank God it was curable. I do everything for this man I forgive him all the time. I take care of all the kids he doesn’t do anything or help me with anything. all he does is work goes out on the weekends and parties. if not goes away on the weekends to play softball and I stay home with the kids. he calls me name insults me anything you can think of. the only thing he hasn’t done is hit me. I just found out that this may he will know if he gets custody of his kids or they go back to their mother. apparently he told his kids that if the judge ruled in his favor that he was going to pack his and their stuff and leave my home because he didn’t care about the other two he was talking about my two oldest. and that he knew it wasn’t fair for the baby but that he wasn’t going to deal with other kids that weren’t his because they had me. today I actually got a message from some girl telling me his cheating on me and I have no clue who she is. I don’t know what to do if I should tell him and confront him. I don’t have a job and no money to leave him. I need help so bad I want leave him but I have no family or anywhere to go. I have fallen into depression and I don’t know what to do. can someone please help me or tell me what I should do. he is very verbally abusive and mentally I don’t think I can go another month like this. please help me

  • Laurie

    Vanessa,

    I’m glad your refund is helping you to leave! Thanks for commenting, and for being an inspiration to other women in bad marriages.

  • Laurie

    Dear Lisa,

    Is it possible for you to get a job? The “kids” are now old enough to support themselves, at 18 and 19, so all you have to worry about is yourself!

    What was the last job you had?

  • Vanessa

    I too am in a pretty bad situation…I’ve been cheated on, lied to, pushed around while I was holding our newborn. I am so unhappy. My light at the end of the tunnel is this tax return. Because of the child credit approx 5,000 I received. You can get this even if you made a very small amount of income on a w-2 or Even babysitting can be self employment. You’ll have to pay tax on it but it will just come out of your refund. I’d talk to a tax professional and see if there is anyway you can file. I’m not married so it was easier for me to hide but I’m just throwing that out as it is tax time. I received my refund and am getting out of here!

  • Lisa

    HI IM IN A RELATIONSHIP W A GUY WHOS MUCH OLDER THAN I HES 65 IM 38 HE EMOTIONALLY & MENTALLY ABUSES ME & DRINKS OFTEN & SAYS HURTFUL THINGS TO ME HE FINICALLY SUPPORTS ME I DONT HAVE A JOB A CAR OR

    ANY SAVINGS I NEED HELP I

    HAVE AN 18 & 19 YR OLD

    WHOM LIVES W US THEY ARE
    NOT OUR CHILDREN TOGETHER I WANT TO LEAVE SO BAD HELP ME

  • Laurie

    Dear IronMommy,

    Thank you for sharing how you succeeded in leaving your husband!

    It’s incredibly difficult to leave when you don’t have money, but if you rely on others and ask for help, then you can do it. Asking for help is hard because it requires you to be humble. It can also cause feelings of shame. But, after you go through the worst part, then you’ll be able to breathe again. You’ll be free and independent and happy. Life will never be perfect, but you’ll be in control of your own life.

  • IronMommy3

    I know first hand what it means to leave an unhealthy relationship. About 3 years ago I left my boyfriend of 7 years. At that time,we had two young daughters together. 2 and 4 years old. I had no job, and practically nothing saved. Living with him was torture. He was such a momas boy, couldn’t make a decision on his own to save his life. When his family started interfering, and I found out he was a pathological liar, and cheater, I said goodbye. I love myself and my kids too much to settle for second best in a mans life. I moved in with my parents, worked a couple of shitty jobs, until finally getting hired somewhere I loved. I saved up, and moved out on my own after a few months of saving. I was so happy. I can not tell you the feeling it is to breath clean air. Where your so comfortable in your own home, in your own skin. While I was making a beautiful life he was living with his mother! It’s possible to be happy. Believe in yourself. Screw money, screw all the impossibilities. It’s very possible. And trust me, when your tired enough, you will find away to escape your situation. Now I’m getting ready to leave my new boyfriend because like the old, he can’t find a healthy boundary away from his so called family. We have a daughter together and that can’t stop me from living a healthy life with her, and my other girls. Time is your friend, it’ll heal the wounds that might be imbedded on your soul. I promise there’s more to life then the life your currently living. Trust yourself. Your life is where you take it.

  • Laurie

    The only thing worse than being in a dead marriage is staying in a dead marriage.

    Is money holding you back from leaving your husband? If you had enough money, would you leave him?

  • Pigtails

    I’m in a dead marriage, & have been for years. How did I let my life get like this? I
    wish that I would have run the other way. I have destroyed my life & my child’s. My
    child hates him. I have wasted so many years, & you really can’t undo those years.
    We have been wrong for each other from the start. We have never been compatible
    nothing in common, I don’t even see why we got together in the first place. There is
    so much wrong with this. I’m so unhappy & miserable, & I don’t see it changing any
    time soon. Wrong for each other… & I’ve known it for a long time. I’m just like alot of
    others at a dead end….. And I know it is hopeless & it always will be sad to say……,

  • Laurie

    Selling Avon is a great way to get money to leave your husband – thanks Jamie!

    One of my friends sells jars of dried spices to make dips with. I can’t remember the company, but it’s located in BC, Canada. The dried spices are delicious — even I buy them (and I’m not a foodie).

  • Jamie

    I have been selling Avon to make money he doesn’t know about. If you have a second mailing address, this may be an option since you don’t have to do parties with Avon and its only $10 to start. Just keep catalogs in your purse and leave them everywhere! And use the included website to sell too! Avon does the rest with online sales! YourAvon.com/JamieWilkinson

  • kymykat

    when I was twenty years old I woke up one day and realized I married a total control freak and was 500 miles away from my family and friends with a new baby who was always sick. My husband was selfish and unrealistic about the reality of life with having a baby and being married. I didn’t just pack up and move 500 miles back home to my moms. I sat down and seriously started thinking and I’m not the best person with prayer but I asked for help on this one. The next day I started thinking again about how to make money fast with a new baby at home. I knew just a few women at church but I still knew paying for babysitting was going to slow down my collecting money to leave. I wrote down the mountain resorts biggest draws of people from out of the area. The people living in the town itself all were pretty strapped for money so I had to look outside the box. Then my friend from my old hometown called saying she was coming up to ski in two weeks and if I could watch her baby. BINGO! that was it. I said yes of course and after hanging up the phone researched the babysitting available through the big ski resort. As I was hoping they provided care for toddlers only age 2 and up. nothing for newborn to age 2. Well I got myself licensed by the sate of CA. I did the smartest thing that people said was a waste of my time. I made an appointment with the guy who ran the mountain ski resort and I told him I could help him attract more skiers this year by my sitting services. I explained that when I was booked up I had other licensed women who were available. He loved the idea and he also did all my advertising for me. I charged 25.00 a day which meant the parents needed to be at my door by 5:30 pm (8-5:30) Also I charged 25.00 per every 15 minutes after 5:30 for those people who thought they would ski all day and then go off and dine out before getting their baby. Believe me I raked in a lot of cash that way from people with a lot of money who tipped on top of it usually. I got the best moms through church to also be licensed and I used an answering machine the ski resort paid for to take all my calls for my services. Let’s just say when my abusive husband decided to push me around one day in late spring I was able to wait for him to leave for work and pack up my baby hand over the answering machine to my assistant sitter and wish her a wealth of happiness and drive away with over 12,000 in my personal bank account. that was in 1981. I could have probably been a very wealthy woman had I just be able to have my husband removed from my condo and me stay and continue to work that business I started.

    be creative. think about what your area is lacking and provide the best of whatever it is.

  • lisa

    i have only been married shy of four years with two young children. i want out but with no money and family my husband is all i have. i fear for my children loosing there father and me being alone. i just cant put up with all of the fighting and being sick from it all anymore. i am still young and have my whole life ahead of me. some say we got married to young. it seems to be true. how do i walk away or become strong enough to hold on or should i even try any longer.

  • robynsc

    i wanted to give just a few pieces of advice (nothing professional):

    -there is a lot of good info out there – if you can’t afford to buy books (i wouldn’t because hopefully they are ONE TIME need only) go to your public library. if they don’t have the book you need, there is a service called inter-library loan where they can borrow it from another library. there may be a nominal $1 fee but much more affordable than borrowing.

    -for those who don’t want to leave because they feel it will hurt their children: if you are arguing or not speaking, happy one day, angry or sad the next, think about how THAT affects your children as well. one of my favorite authors once said, “children are like walking video cameras.” they are a lot smarter and more aware than you think. which environment would be better – you, by yourself, raising them in a more peaceful, nurturing environment or what you currently have?

    -hang in there. i know, but it’s really all you can do, so DO IT! constantly visualize a future for yourself. the one you want. a future where you are okay. i go to sleep every night thinking about me, living on my own in a house in phoenix, arizona with a big, wooden front door. it has a small entry way and a galley kitchen. it has a sunken living room. i’m in the kitchen looking fit as all get out, in my running clothes, when the doorbell rings. and it’s my soon-to-be-ex-husband. i’m kind and cordial and friendly and it seems we have a good relationship in my dream (which we kinda have now, just tainted with 28 years of cheating). he tells me he misses me, i say the same. he asks if we can start over and i say no. and off to dreamyland for me! i carry that dream around with me in my heart until God clears the way for me to leave. create your dream and carry it around until God clears the way for you. i pray you all receive peace in your lives. and thank you all for your sharing your stories.

  • Diana

    Its actually really sad to see that so many of us are allowing this to happen to us. I too am in a unhappy marriage and want to get out but do not make enough money to survive on my own. I want to leave now and not wait but can’t and the state won’t help unless I divorce him and I can’t do that at this point. I have no close relatives that I can talk to because they all hate him and diowned me years ago and now I see why. I am sympathize with all of you and know what your going through. Hope that one day we all find our true happiness before its too late.

  • Wanna

    Hi I want to leave my husband but I dont want my kids hurting, we’ve been living with his mom on and off the whole time we’ve been married 7yrs now, now we’re living here again and its gotten really bad with his mom she puts me down cause i cant find a job even though I’ve been looking so hard I keep telling my husband he need to get me out of here I’ve been crying all day today he seen me and just walked of I really fell alone he say he love me but he’s never there for me when it come’s to his m I dont even fell like a woman anymore… I pray all the time that god help me I.m so tired, I dont know what to do nor say anymore I’m tired of him and his mom I have nothing anymore because of him I want and need to get out of this but how do I do that with two kids ??

  • hope

    Shalom Everyone, here is a tip, you can petition in your serogate court in your county whats called a emergency injunction and that will hopefully become a permanent injunction ( look it up ) and this will give you an opportunity to seperate and take some time, this will also give you some sort of reliefe, and you can apply for a stay away or refrain from order of protection, and custody if there is children, but first pray and seek a domestic violence counselor or someone you trust, you can talk about this all day, but know that this is not about divorce it is just about getting yourself back and forgiving your self and loving yourself, Know this and Remember Jesus loves you, blessings,

  • Suz

    I have been married to an emotionally abusive man for 37 yrs…totally unhappy…He is so insecure..he has to put me down to make himself feel big…I am very Christian ..that’s why I have hung on.i feel like I am dying a slow death

  • Laurie

    Dear Suzy,

    Thank you so much for sharing what you’re doing to get money to leave your husband! You are an inspiration and a survivor. Every little nickel and dime counts, and soon you’ll have more than enough money.

    I had to add your tips to my article, because they are so practical and helpful.

    If I come across ways to make money on the internet – such as filling out surveys, like you mentioned – I’ll post them here. That’s a fantastic idea.

    I wish you all the best, and thank you for being here.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Suzy

    Lets change this discussion and focus on ways to move forward. We all have a story and now we need to make things happen.

    ~I am collecting cans and turning them in for cash
    ~ I ask my neighbors if they have any odd paying jobs I can do?- Wash windows, weed gardens etc.
    ~ Take online surveys to make a few extra bucks a day (about $3, not a huge amount but it helps build my stash).
    ~Every few times I go to the grocery store or Walmart etc, I buy a $5 gift card. Even if can only do $.50 etc do it!
    ~ Sell household items on ebay. May only profit $.75 but again, all small steps leads to bigger rewards. kids your kids outgrown clothes etc. You would be amazed at what sells!
    ~ Use coupons to get free and store the TP, toothpaste etc in a box or at a friends. Again, little things add up. I have a box of Shampoo, toothpaste, soap, TP, etc ready to go. This will help me when I am starting out and not having to buy and spend what little money I have.
    ~

  • Laurie

    Dear Lulu,

    It doesn’t feel like it right now, but you are on your way to a healthier, happier life! Maybe you’re crying all the time because you’re grieving the end of your marriage, and you finally know that you have to leave your husband once and for all.

    I wrote this for you:

    Why Do I Keep Going Back to Him?

    I hope it helps. Let me know how you’re doing.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Erin

    Wow…. No real helpful advice just a bunch of book titles & self help waste of money…..
    Women have searched this title on google looking for advice on how to go about leaving their husbands (which is why you’ve plugged so many books under this title). Number one reason is because they have no sorce of income they feel trapped (yes tell them to go and spend the money they don’t have on books).

    • Lisa

      Totally agree with Erin,there really is no help,all the suggestions are nuts…your just screwed ladies,no one cares until you’re dead,then the people at all the domestic violence fund raisers,get extra money for themselves,because you will never see any of it,just another charity taken advantage of people in bad situations.good luck..we all need it….

      • Julie

        I so agree with Erin and Lisa!!!!!! Tried to leave now for thirty years. Domestic violence will only help you if they can manipulate you to do what they want…they don’t care!!!!!! It’s alabout money for them. The police side with the narcisstic LIAR husband who can make you believe anything!!!! You have cuts bruises and bleeding and the narcisst will convince them you are the problem!!! Help out there..WHERE…. Most people with mental health problems like the bloggers mother will make it because she is a good LIER,,, that is the way it is…I have gone to my church…..they act like my husband walks on water!!!!! Well that is because he is a LIAR! Well also a women said until God helps you….yes she is right on…. Visualize what you need and keep doing it …..that is what I have been doing along with prayer!!!
        One big reason why we are in this mess is because one of our parents is like our husband… And we marry one of our parents personalities… The children will follow one parent or the other no matter biological or not….the parents they live with….also it will make you a person stronger within yourself. Married to an abusive husband, financial, or lier, or cheater or all of the above…..God will make sure all will be made up for you if you keep his commandments and all other things right in your life….BE HONEST… BE TRUE TO WHO YOU ARE….DONT BECOME LIKE HIM.. It is easy to do…but don’t lose who you are..when things get bad and you can’t even be around your kids, or get off the floor….dig up from your heart the mother you wanted even in bad times.
        Feel what the truth is for you and follow your heart, listen from your chest, put your hand on your chest when you want what is right for you and you will know what is best for you! You are sane!!! Go enjoy what you do have, even if it is just a patch of grass inThe front of where you live or get to a park and thank God you have the beauty and what that park may have that makes you feel good inside.i mean get on your knees and tell Heavenly Father you are greatful for all the good you have and for the hard times that will make you stronger!!!! These are ways you can help yourself, find what ever it is that can take your mind off the abuse from him… When you have done something for you and your kids or loved ones you do feel better and stronger inside. Always always speak from your heart even to the abusive one. When he says something to you….just say … It really hurts when you do these things..
        Men like to think they are good providers…. Tell him baby needs more diapers or Johnny needs more food to grow or more lunch money or something on this line to help out for later… And always plan ahead… We women are good at that..

  • lulu

    i am 37 years old, i have been married to my husband for 18 years, we have six children together. I guess im a complete co-dependant and domestic violence victim(verbal, physical, and sexual). My husband i think is very mentally unstable. I am staying at my moms 30 miles away from him, he gets mad at me and throws me out, i got the police to stand-by as i went and got my children the next morning, cause he wouldnt let me have them. I have left him numerous times but me like a big dummy always gos back believing him that everythings gonna be alright, he calls crying with the same story all the time, like he doesnt know why he does it. This is taking such a big toll on my im not the same person no more, i want to be a good mom, but some days i just cant stop crying. And on top of everything, im broke, no money no car,and left him with only the clothes on our backs. How do i do this?

  • Yvonne

    My husband and i have been married for 22 years coming up on 23. He has been physically abusive as of late to my youngest daughter,son, me and my mom. I also have to older children a son and daughter my childern ages are 16,18,21,22. The two oldest kids have now taken to their father and will do anything and everything to hurt me. My husband has as i have come to find out been cheating on my and planning to divorce me or 4 years i know for a fact he has another account and has put thousands of dollars in it while our joint account is in the red of over $200. He will give my youngest daughter money if she begs but the most he has ever given her is 60 dollars. Not only has all of this has occurred during our supposed marriage but he has turned to bestiality. My daughter and I both saw her dog licking his lower parts although he will never admit it. We called the police when he beat on us and was told in the report we were embellishing. Of course it doesn’t help that my husbands nephew is the governors right hand police officer. I don’t know what to do im out of funds living with my younger kids in our home with my mom and bills are getting sky high. I need out.

  • Donna

    Hello
    Married for 8 yrs. been together for 14have a 4 year old. I’ve been miserable no sex no communication no job I pay everything rent , bills etc. rather be with friends than his family or me. No relationship. I want a better life for me snd my child. Spends every dime I make on his stuff he thinks ges a teenager. I had enough I need a man!
    I need peace and stability!
    How do I get him out?

  • linda

    Iam sixty six years old. Married , miserable. He is a control freak. Everything is halfed.Even ask for half the gas to go in lawn mower.Pay my way when we go out to eat,when we go or do anything. iTS LIKE A PARTERNSHIP.. I want out really bad..help help….I dont have many years lefy has it is. Need advice on money enough to go

  • Willow

    I am much like Thegoodwife, I’ve been a stay at home mom for the past 23+ years. House is always clean, gardens nice,raised 4 of our 5 kids to adulthood, I homeschool my kids and do my best to take care of my husband who is an emotionally abusive alcoholic. I had a “ah ha” moment today when I realized that staying is disrepecting myself because I am putting up with so much and have for the past 10 years of his addiction. I need to get out. I told him I wanted a divorce in Feb of this year and asked my mom and dad for help. They are divorced. My dad stopped talking to me. He believes divorce is wrong now because he still loves my mother after 30 years of them being divorced and my mom adores my husband and thinks I am crazy to leave when I have it “so good”. She says I need to stop doing things to upset my husband when he is drunk. That’s the end of my family that can help. I went back to school last year after finding a lump in my breast and thinking this could be the end and do I really want to spend it like this? I sold things to get that education. I almost wish I had sold things for a divorce as I am unable to find a job and am looking at more schooling. To which my husband likes to toss the cost in my face. I try to look for a job but he then says I need to be there for our youngest son. My thoughts then think of what would happen if I was at work and not here to protect my son from his father. It just feels like a mess but I really need to sort this out and find a way out of this nightmare. Living with a drunk is to stressful. I just don’t know where to start. Thank you for this article.

  • Laurie

    Dear Jay,

    I’m sorry to hear how your husband has been treating you and your marriage. I’m glad he’s a good provider — but you’re right; it’s not enough. It sounds like you’ve already decided you want to leave your husband, but you need financial help.

    I wrote this article to answer your question:

    I’m a Stay at Home Mom – How Do I Divorce My Children’s Father?

    I hope it helps, and invite you to write out how you’re feeling anytime. Writing really is good therapy!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • Jay

    I am so sad in my marriage. I found out my hubby of 14yrs had been cheating on me. Actually, not the 1st or second time he has done this. Up to 4 active ladies at the same time as of Feb,2012. Was also in contact with three young ladies outside the country. He met them when he made his yearly trip to our country. Such a long story. I have tried to forgive but the pain is still there. He claimed to be sorry after weeks of not apologizing. I am a stay at home mom with 5 kids ages 12 to 1yr. I DESPERATELY want to leave. I have no means. My family is so far away. The pain of not leaving is killing me. As of three days ago, I found out he still had numbers to two of the ladies. I have NO trust at all concerning this guy. He is a pathological liar. I want to leave like crazy. Having him in my life is a growing cancer. Having to see in the house casts a deep cloud of saddness over me. There have been days we were fine but all it takes for me to feel sad again is the name of something or somebody and the old feelings come rushing in again. His b-day was last week and from the day before to this day, I have been so so sad. Why? Because, his two last b-days, he had a woman with him.Well, the one of last yr, he was suppossed to have the same girl but because they were not on good terms as of that time, it didn’t happen. So, this yr’s b/day was miserable for me because all I did was picture him with the other woman. What do i do? He is a good dad, more of a good provider for me and the kids but that is not enough for me. Pls, comment.

    Jay

  • Jeni

    I have been told by my mom in law my husband was just too young… i mistakenly believed he was mature at 18 when i was 30… i wasnt looking for marraige and have had previous abuse from an ex. my second mistake was being honest with him about my past which he assured me id never hurt again. we have a 5 year old and have been married for 5 years. bank account is in his and his moms name. i lost my job and the cars are in his name. the house is in his moms name.

    when she comes over theytalk outsideon the porch. worse i have a 13 yr old and 10 yr old was prior marraige living with and older daughters on their own. he got drunk last xmas as did my daughter and supposedly they ended up sleeping together. i tried to forgive ( shes 19) but now im too old too fat too stupis
    d and dont know my place. sit when i say sit fetch my clothes do my dinner make sure i have work clothes to be successful blah blah… im a workhorse… a mule and he takes care of himself to porn and dirty stories on literotica and xhampster 18 young….

    why stay? ive reserched and called and tried to get help. their is no help without my proof of rent. stepmom wont give it.

    he wont let her. i also ended up stripping ( he said it turned him on my mistake for believing him and trying to save marraige)which failed and he says if i go to court or bring him down for slapping and choking me then he will tell them im a prostitute…. he will telly my daughters my family his family.. he hates me so much my 13 yr old gets grounded for everything bad shes does months at a time and screwams at her saying better to be feared than loved. she is in a behavior clinic i cant afford and he says hes not paying. she od on pills and is afraid to come home with him around. i need a place now but with no money ( i tried everything to save he finds it and i get in trouble w slapping or denial of sex… can i withdraw and move half of the money in that account? i have the debit card the bank knows me and i have our logins… wld i get in trouble for this? i put money in there all the time every time i get a job, sell a comp, clean a home ect…. he hoards it so he can leave me and to make sure i cant. please advice anyone? im losing friends family cant help and churches and shelters cant here either….

    im losing hope to ever get out alive…

  • Henci

    Gosh, thank goodness to read these posts so I’m not so alone. Its been 9 long years of marriage. I have to say I also feel trapped in that I am a stay at home mother of 2 children under 8. I also work part time from home doing three different jobs to make up extra cash as I have no “rainy day fund”. I used to have one of those funds and I kick myself for believing in my husband that our finances will turn around. We ended up using my rainy day fund to coast us along. I’m still in a financial tight position which I never thought I would be in at this age in my life. I used to have it all before marriage…a good paying career with all the bells and whistles (pension, stock plan, paid vacation, great position,) I had money in the bank, rsps and I owned a condo. I sold the condo to buy our house along with part of my RSP and he did chip in some money but my folks had to pay off a debt of his so we could actually get our place. I gave up my job/career to be a stay at home mother figuring we would live off his income which seemed surivivable as long as his income remained steady which it never has been in 9 years. The entir year is a roller coaster with my scrambling to find ways to make ends meet.Last year we almost filed BK but after I did lengthy hours of research realized we don’t need to go that route. (he’s shelfed the hole issue while I still today search for a solution which will be best) No one can touch us as we have no real assets. Long and short of this all, is that he also has been emotionally disconnected since our last child and works 7 days a week (avoidance I call it). Life is too short. I’m working hard still to bring in extra cash as he doesn’t always give me enough. As soon as he thinks I have money, he backs off. I really thought we would be able sit together and go over our finances once and for all…sorry this is so long. I guess I just don’t know how to get the guts to leave. I’ve been formulating a plan but I stop at the thought of my children. I just never fathomed that I would divorce but I don’t know how to stay in this marriage any longer. I will also feel very disconnected. I would love to move aross the entire country which would be devasting for the kids. Such at horrible spot to be in. I can still coast in this marriage but its financially and emotionally draining…pretending we are just a typical family? Dysfunctional. My folks are still married for over 50 years. They know what is going on but are committed to marriage…but I’ve been waiting for the flag for them to say…its ok to leave. I need a nudge..and clear path. I’m hoping I can find and learn through others postings. I just don’t know where to go and rebuild my life.

  • AmyA

    Though I have a master’s degree, I am unable to obtain a full-time teaching position in this awful economy. My husband’s salary and my part-time job barely keep us (and our three -17,14,11- children) afloat. He is emotionally abusive and I want out so very badly. The thing is, not only will he never leave the home without a fight, but paying for a divorce seems like a pipdream and worst of all my children will be devestated in so many ways. These hurdles seem insurmountable to me. Do I continue to wait for my children to grow up so that my life can begin?

  • Gia

    My husband is the opposite of the non working man, he works 70 hours a week, pays the few bills we have. I worked until a few years ago when I took emergency custody of our grandchildren. What’s the problem? He is a financial hoarder. He has unknown amounts of hidden cash. He has closed our joint accounts and has opened them in his name alone. He’s so controlling with money that he even does the grocery shopping. I literally must ask for and then account for every penny I am given. I get a very small amount of child support from the children’s father, but it barely pays for their school expenses. At the present moment, I have 57 cents in my pocket. There is no chance of saving anything. I need to see a doctor, but have no money to do so. I have no family, my parents died years ago, no siblings. He’s always been this way, but it was never a problem as I was always financially independent until I was forced to leave my job. One of the children has special needs and needs someone here full time. They have always lived in our home and I refuse to consider turning them over to anyone but their mother who is finally seeing successful sobriety. I am now in my 50’s, with no savings and no access to any cash and no where to go. He sees a person like me, with no job as having no value and is growing more and more emotionally abusive by the day. It doesn’t matter that I take care of our home, I don’t earn an income so I am worthless in his eyes. He’s never been a pleasant person, but now he is just hateful and mean. He really sees me and the kids as a huge burden. This is what truly being trapped is all about. I know I am depressed, I am sick of not being able to provide the kids with anything but necessities and not being able to do anything unless he approves. I am also very concerned about my health. I have a car, it rarely has more than 1/4 tank of gas. I have managed in a years time to save about $30 in change. I will be dead before I can afford to leave. I look back and ask myself how this happened..but I know the answer. I was dedicated to my family…that’s how this happened.

  • thegoodwife

    Hello,
    i live a very different life then most women in the 20th century.im a stay at home mom with 4 children. i have the home spick and span and dinner on the table by 5. mind you every night at 5 for the past 16 years. my husband and i have comfortably settled into our roles as provider and homemaker like a fifty’s sitcom. i am now in my 40ies and have taken a long hard look at who i wish i could be….im what people would call a “kept wife” and its so crazy…how did i let it get like this? the women at our local bus stop talk of trips and family adventures…the closest i get to adventure is the weekly supermarket trip. he has complete control of all money..all cars..our home..etc. i have always been grateful for him assuming the entire responsibility…now im not so sure…feeling really scared because i want to be free…i want to leave him!!!! help

  • SHELLE

    I have been married for 12 1/2 years. I never see my husband because of the way we work,it has really taken a toll on our marriage. I look forward to seeing him and he looks forward to anything but that.. We havent made love in over a year and I just feel so unloved… Sex is definitly not everything but we dont hold hands or hug or kiss unless we r saying good-bye. I just feel so alone and lost, just need some advise… Please!!!!

  • Tammy

    Im stuck and saving but, may take forever. I have 4 kids one is starting college so he is ok. My other 3 have to have me. I have a 9 yr. old son that has autism and is nonverbal and my only family is 600 miles away. All I get is I will pray for you. I received a small inheritance and put down on our home and had monies to buy my son a car. He blew that plus took out loans and credit cards and I can’t even get school clothes for my kids now. He was seeing this woman on the side when we got this house. A job don’t know bc there are no daycare or afterschool for my disabled child.here u have to live apart 60 days and then have a legal separation before social services will help. I have been married 20 yrs. everything is in his name no one wants to deal with my son so I will save forever and then go to my mothers. He wants me gone and just sickens me.bc I want to be outta here. My kids are 6,9,16,and 18. I am very blessed bc they are great kids and my son has lots of therapy and no one or place will accept him..I do have a plan but good things will come. I’m sure of it.. Up where my mom is I could at least find a church I could attend that accepts special needs.

  • feminist

    D.kirk, are you kidding me? Obviously women can be equally distructive in a marriage, the author didn’t claim otherwise, however, that isn’t what this article is about. (Why are you even reading/commenting on this article?) You ‘find women use their emotion as their main driver’? As compared to what, using our dicks? Oh, right, men are entirely logical. It comes down to this, if a woman doesn’t want to be with her spouse anymore she doesn’t have to be, period. Cry all you want that you are taking your vows seriously while your wife is ‘stretching the boundaries’ and ‘immaturely’ misbehaving. Take my word for this, i guarantee your wife is completely miserable if this is how you consider her. Frankly, you don’t deserve a woman. You are falling victim to the whole spirit of the point you were trying to make, that so often we hate the circumstances that we played a role in bringing about. Even with that being said, she can leave your ass if she wants to, for any or no reason. Screw the vows (that’s just my opinion, but don’t get me started on marriage).

    • Julie

      I sooo agree with feminist!!!! Wow really???? He has the nerve to think he knows about women!!!! He sounds like your tipical judgmental womanizer who has no respect for himself!!!!! Woman hater basher!!! Thanks D.Kirk…..
      You helped women see who men like you really are!!!! YOUR POOR WIFE

      • Julie

        P.s. And by the way…..a man who would say such things,is a man who sees only his side and she has no feelings! Gee who does that sound like ummmm a NARCISSTIC maybe????? Oh and you said too often you have seen women practice the art of manipulation to their husbands demisze?? Yes that what we really want !!!! A husband who is worthless and can’t do his husbandly duties so we can DO IT ALL???? Oh yes that’s what we want ……line up girls I’m sure we are waiting in line to see who you pick for your next victim!!!

  • A

    Dear 2 old 2 Be Stuck ,

    I had an ill child and left, it took me 7 years of saving in a jar i barried in the back yard but I left and fled to a sheltter, I just couldn’t take the physical abuse or the verbal belitting any more, I had a daughter whom had left due to this at only 16 and she had my grandbaby, I had a 3 year old when I left, and my 16 year old was living with her boyfirneds parertns we went into a shelter. Its been 2 years now and I am out of the shelter and on my own, it was hard, and misreble and at times I thiought of crawling back becasue it would have been easier, but it gets better. I just had to keep thinking about the effect it was all having on my kids, and while the sccrafice was hard, it was worth it. Get some therpy at a free clininic and get into a support group, I was in both for many years before I could actually leave, but you can do it. I’m not going to lie to you I am poor as poor now but there is peace in my life and my kids don’t have to be in a hostel enviornment anymore, and eventally the money will come, I’ll find something better or get better training to make a better wage. Its hard to be poor but harder to hate each waking day, get out before you loose the strenght to care anymore, you can do it, I started out by using coupons at the grocery store, each .50cent off i save off the groceries, I put in that jar, he was never the wiser to it, every can or plastic bottle i recycled change in the jar, every beer that soab drank I recycled the dang can it adds up quick.

  • vanessa

    Hi i am 35 years old and I’m stuck in a loveless marriage i have three wonderful children and no job my husband works from 7am till 4 pm he just got done from being gone for two years and now he’s back to his old self sometimes i think. He loves me like the stars and then he calls me a name I’m not asking for a romeo but at least he can not call me words in frount of family i have thought about leaving ..driving my. car off a bridge or wishing someone would break in our house rapeing me to the point of death and seeing if he even would care starting to belive if i hung myself he wouldn’t even notice…i really could ues any advice

    • K

      Please dont drive off a bridge, and please, please dont buy into D.Kirks idea of a marriage in the comments below. Your life is valuable and deep inside there is a place in you who knows that, intsinctually. Tap into your motherhood and nurture yourself. You can survive this.

  • D. Kirk

    This is just amazing as far as advice when it comes to destroying a marriage. I find women to equally be capable of sabotaging their marriage in many ways and are often extremely destructive when they do it.

    To many practice the art of manipulating what they perceive to be true to suit their desire to bring about the demise of their relationship at their husband’s expense. I’ve seen it too often. I’ve watched women force their husbands into untenable positions. I’ve been married for 25 years now and have come to full realization that a spouse (husband or wife) can be limited in his/her maturity level, known as arrested development. Both men, just like women, can be lacking in maturity to the point where they tend to be destructive in relationships, thus make bad partners.

    So tell me how do you address such behavior, if you are man who believes in his vows, while your wife strives to stretch the boundaries, but doesn’t learn to control herself appropriately? It makes life with such a person very challenging and difficult, especially not knowing when she’s going to behave badly, thus immaturely.

    So women can be equally as abusive as males and even more so in today’s society. They often get away with it and the male is considered the pariah most of the time.

    If a husband is a bad husband, cheats on his wife, then do what you need to do, but make sure its true, and not a perception that has been made into reality when its untrue. I find that many women use their emotions as their main driver, rather than sensible reasoning, thus faulty perceptions becomes a skewed reality. To forgive a cheater takes a tremendous amount of inner strength to overcome. Even in such cases, make sure that you (husband or wife) are not driving your spouse into another persons arms as a result of being disrespectful. Cheating is just a bad thing and does significant damage to a marriage. Forgiveness is key, but if you can’t get rid of the emotional anguish that comes with it, then move on in amicable way. Remember at some point you did claim to “love” the person.

    Majority of counselors these days are not worth their weight in gold anymore. In most cases they have issues that they push on their patients, resulting from a failed relationship they had. So be careful, if you pursue counseling. Counseling is good way to help a couple to heal, provided that both people are being honest. If one person (husband or wife) can’t be honest, then do not waste your time and money.

    Before ending the relationship, make sure you are not pushing his buttons to make him into a non performing husband. I find that many women these days emasculate their husbands, thus the husbands withdraw and shutdown as a result when its actually the women who has not learned to respect her husband. Decent husband will do responsible and honorable things, but they are still human, thus respect goes a long ways. Too many women today for some reason seem not to get this at all, thus ruin their relationships intentionally….and never learning that maybe she is the problem.

    I know this, because my wife keeps trying to do this. I keep forgiving her, but she consistently hits below the belt. Remember the gift of the tongue that is prone to females can do a lot of damage, and yet women end up being surprised and vilifying the man(husband) because they do not want to face the truth about their own behavior.

    • Ksy

      Clearly written by someone who never had his teeth punched out by a spouse. Men always blame women for their own toxic behaviors, dishonesty and indifference, and avoid (pull away) everything so their conversations never address their own selves. This is why it is so cliche that men dont talk about resolvong any issue and berating the counseling help who may actually help. I thought this thread was to help women support each other in the circumstance of financial control. Your post offered nothing but shame and judgement, so i question the agenda you have resulting from your poor choices in relationships and your personal lack of maturity which brought you her to blame strangers you dont know. Please express how your post helped anyone at all.

      • SquatchD

        Funny, but it seems like there is a lot more judgement of me in your post than I made of anyone else. You know nothing of my situation. I know it was a somewhat sarcastic comment, but it refers to an abusive behavior that a man could do to a woman as well.

        • K

          This thread is anything but funny and sarcastic . I dont think of these women and I subconsciously sabotaged our relationships and I know I never wanted to be abused or lied to. I dont judge but many of the things you said made me feel accused and hurt because they mimic much of what my abusive husband says. He is a prince at work with his friends, so no one knows the side of him that is harmful and abusive at home. He tears me down and makes me feel like i am not able to stand up to him. Some women use their words to fight back when they reach their boiling point. If you see that in your wife, it could mran she needs you to be kind more than ever. I dont think a woman is to blame for things her spouse does, almost like his actions were my fault. I refuse to accept that. You say you are being hurt. Why dont you leave? You are in a forum where women can discuss leaving abusive spouses when they are financially controlled. Its not about making sure your spouse is actually abusing you before they leave. We are looking to share solutions and talk about our experiences because so many women feel ashamed and worthless because of the abuse. Its hard to reach out, but it helps. I hope you may learn empathy and compassion so you may peacefully handle your “below the belt” wife situation I know nothing about. Share your story,

          • K

            Btw, I am the girl in this thread who had her teeth punched out. I have been saving for two years and all the tips included in this thread helped me save that much faster. I hadnt even thought about cash back at the grocery, or a container of cash in a cleaning agent “safe.” Everyone is telling their story and giving great ideas. I treasure those comments.

  • cmom

    we’ve been together 17 yrs married for 7. two fantastic kids 13 and 11. the house comes with his job. he works on the property under contract gets paid a small amount biweekly but doesnt have rent or utilities besides cable, and cell phone. we do have other bills of course like credit cards, car payment, etc. at this point i stay not only because of money, but because of the kids. i dont want it to affect them or the positive future that is ahead of them as a result of their superb academic achievements thus far. i dont hav family to support me until i get on my feet…i have gone back to school trying to work on getting a good paying career since i had kids first…im searching like crazy for a job and it hasn’t been looking very promising but as soon as i get something i plan on getting my own seperate account and saving…it seems like its going to take forever im not getting any younger..it might have been helpful if we owned our own house we could sell and split the profit for a new start. besides the birth of my kids it feels like wasted time

  • saffire

    Men are main cause of womens strife most often in life.. simply because they’ve abandon their traditional role of being a real man, standing up and properly supporting their families. I have no respect for any man who doesn’t work or have a job, and any man who abuses a weaker vessel is outright satanic! If you find yourself living a nightmare with such a man, you do whatever you have to, to leave & support yourself and kids! Life is to precious & short to let a miserable man ruin it!

  • glory

    2 kids been together for 8yrs & no we are not married. he quit his job to be a stay @ home dad (what?! i know) but i swear it was to be lazy!
    Our 6yr old is in camp he is mad that i pay $350 bi-weekly 4 her to attend i pay $1100 for rent @ work am making $9 an hr part time! 30hrs max.
    How do I do it….our youngest collects SSI each month for her which only lets me add $400 to rent every month (they know this) I only get food stamps thats like $300 every month so you do the math & ask me how am doing it? my mom gives me the extra $400 each month for my rent so that her grandchildren won’t be homeless (AGAIN) i can take my daughter out of camp but my boyfreind doesn’t go any where or do anything with our kids, when he worked he made salary & only paid rent i never saw a dime go to our household or kids now i make sure he atleast has a $20 bill because he is with the kids i would kick him out but his family member is our landlord & i can’t get daycare unless am on welfare so done with life but my kids need me!

  • TooOld2bStuck

    I’ve read the tips on financial advice on leaving a marriage but I don’t think it would work for my situation. 3 years ago, after I lost my home when our business failed (yes I stupidly put it up as collateral) I’m ineligible for any kind of bank account (I worked in that sector for 20 years – & due to bad credit prevents me from working in banking again as well). So lets say I save funds & hide in an envelope, that won’t work either because every dollar I’m allowed has to go back into the household expenses. My youngest son, still living at home works close by & if I leave, he has to leave w/me making us both homeless & would prevent him from getting to work. It’s a part-time job he finally got after 3 years searching, he’s also Type I diabetic (he is not my spouse’s son) & costs of test strips, 2 insulin types, etc. make leaving nearly impossible. If I were to go to a family member, I would then have to drive 20 miles each way simply to take my son to work & he can’t support both of us. I have been looking for work for five years and due to my poor credit found that every pay check is substantially garnished as my current husband never filed for bankruptcy which he promised to do. Both of our credit rating was destroyed by the business failure (previously both highest rating) yet as always he is unscathed by it & secured a job in the financial field through the good ol’ boy network where we live. The reason my credit is worse is the house was in my name & the bank that should have had a 1st lien failed to file at the courthouse so when the bs bank lien realized they were in 1st place via default, they claimed 1st place & the other bank filed against me personally instead upon foreclosure. The mistake was their doing but I’m paying personally for it whereas the business failure was a separate issue. There are also no churches in my area that would give any kind of handout to someone they don’t know and if they did, it would be a street beggar’s amount & not helpful enough on a monthly basis for food, sustenance & meds which both my son and I are currently on (mine is high blood pressure & thyroid). I’m in a terrible situation as it concerns obtaining work, money, and health care if I leave. My husband is constantly bullying me about money and the stress has become unbearable over the years. I appreciate the suggestions on finance above, but due to my son’s health obligations & the driving distance of my family; I’m at a disadvantage. I say this not out of “I don’t really want to try” I say it out of the knowledge that comes from working in the financial industry for so many years, running my own bs for five years & knowledge of what’s available locally. We live in a very rural area with no financial support system & a drive so far away that gas becomes cost prohibitive. Sorry if I sound like a whiner, but I’ve thought this through, I’ve worked calculations, and I am at a loss. I don’t know what advice you can help me with but any would be appreciated. (My son doesn’t qualify for SS benefits/disability; I do not either as it must be physical or mental, neither of which apply)

  • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Hi Wadi,

    Thank you for commenting. I’m sorry your husband isn’t giving you money for things you desperately need. Maybe you feel powerless and trapped, which aren’t good feelings.

    If you have a specific question, I can try to help. Do you want to try to change your husband, or do you want to get money so you can leave him? If you just need someone to talk to, I welcome your thoughts here.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  • wadi

    My husband gives no finiancial support wants more kids does not bring any money I only needed five dollars to buy medicine he had but won’t give me I feel so bad. I’ve been going thru this for 9yrs. I’ve tried to get him to help but he doest care