How Do You Leave Your Husband When You Have No Money?

If you have no income or financial support, you may feel like you’ll be stuck in an unhappy marriage forever. How do you leave your husband when you have no money? These ideas and tips will give you something new to think about. Even if you don’t find an idea that will work for you, you might find support and comfort in the readers’ comments at the end of the article.

You are not alone. You are seen. You are heard. There is a way out, and you will find it…especially if you reach upward to God and inward to your intuition for the strength and courage you need.

“I want to leave my husband but I have no money,” says Christine on Emotional Disconnection – When You Feel Alone in Your Marriage “I have two kids, I’m pregnant with my third, and I just don’t know where to go. I have no family who can help, they live in a different state. I have nowhere to go. I lost my job, and I am trying to finish school. I don’t have money to leave. I don’t know what to do. I am so hurt, scared, sad, angry and just alone now. I have three beautiful kids with him and I hate to think how much this will hurt them. I can’t believe I was a fool and let him do this to me time after time. Can you tell me how to leave your husband when you have no money to support yourself?”

I wish I had the perfect solution and the right things to say to you. You may feel lonely, lost, and trapped in your marriage – and you have no idea how to leave your husband when you have no money. But I don’t have magic tips or easy answers.

Read through my tips, and scroll through the readers’ comments. Some women are brainstorming tips on how to find your dream job, while others are sharing money-saving secrets for women who have little or no income. As you can see from their comments below, there are no easy answers!

Even so, one of the first things you need to do when you who have no money to leave your husband is to start finding little ways to take control of your life. Maybe this means finding ways to earn a little bit of spending money, even by babysitting, cleaning houses, or becoming a virtual assistant. You need to inventory your skills and abilities, and find ways to optimize them. You’ll never have enough money to leave your husband unless you start taking action. You’ll feel scared and anxious – we all do when we’re making big life moves – but now is the time for you to learn as much as you can about money and your financial future.

One of the most important things to deal with right away is how you feel. If you feel powerless and helpless, you won’t have energy or confidence to work towards getting money to leave your husband. Start doing things that help you feel powerful, strong, and confident.

Leaving Him When You Have No Money

These tips are all about taking action. If you really want to change your life and leave a guy who doesn’t love or honor you, you need to start moving forward. You can’t get financial support unless you start reaching out for it. Once you start reaching out with a positive mindset, you’ll be shocked at how easily money will come to you.

Here’s what one reader said she’s doing to earn money to leave her marriage:

  1. Collecting cans and turning them in for cash
  2. Asking my neighbors if they have any odd paying jobs I can do, such as washing windows, weeding gardens, etc.
  3. Taking online surveys to make a few extra bucks a day (about $3, not a huge amount but it helps build my stash)
  4. Every few times I go to the grocery store or Walmart etc, I buy a $5 gift card. Even if can only do $.50 etc do it!
  5. Selling household items on ebay. May only profit $.75 but again, all small steps leads to bigger rewards. kids your kids outgrown clothes etc. You would be amazed at what sells!
  6. Using coupons to get free and store the TP, toothpaste etc in a box or at a friends. Again, little things add up. I have a box of Shampoo, toothpaste, soap, TP, etc ready to go. This will help me when I am starting out and not having to buy and spend what little money I have

Every journey starts with a few small steps – and sometimes the best step is visualizing what you’ll say when you finally do have money to leave your husband. Start dreaming about your life, planning your future, and thinking about all the possibilities.

1. Remember that help is out there – but it has to be sought

Many financially dependent wives say they have no help, nobody to support them, nobody to go stay with. They may feel that way, but it’s not the truth. How do I know? Because if my neighbor came over and said she has no money to leave her husband and asked me for help, I’d do something. I may not give her money, but I’d help her and her kids in some way.

If you have nowhere to go, read What to Expect at a Women’s Shelter or Safe House.

I also know that wives who feel alone aren’t really alone because my mom was a single parent. She was also schizophrenic, and we moved to new city every six months or so. She had no friends, no money, and a severe mental illness…and yet she managed to find money help! How did she find it? She went to Social Services, to churches, and to my grandma for help. Don’t think of yourself as “trapped” – though I know that if you’re looking for ways to get money to leave your husband, that’s exactly how you feel. Focus on the fact that you WILL get money to leave your husband. It’s just a matter of time and planning. And taking action.

2. Create a plan to leave your marriage – it’ll make asking for financial help easier

Sit down, give the “poor me I have no money to leave my husband” a rest, and put your brains to work. How much money does it cost to feed and educate your kids? Forget about the frills – kids don’t need iPhones, laptops, or video games. Can you stay with family while you save money for your own place? How will you support yourself?

If you have specific plans to leave, you may find it easier to ask for financial help. If you’re asking family for money help, read about loans between family members.

3. Learn what types of financial support you’re eligible for

Talk to Social Services about financial resources for single parents. Start by calling the office closest to you. If they can’t offer money or other help, ask them for three other numbers to call. Call your church, and talk to your pastor. Don’t just ask for financial and spiritual support; ask for practical resources that can help you leave. Ask to be connected with other women who were financially dependent, who rebuilt their lives.

Every three months, canvassers from the Single Parents Food Bank come to our door, asking for donations. My husband gives money every single time because he knows single parents need money help because raising kids is expensive. But it’s not impossible, my friend.

4. Talk to a lawyer – and learn about alimony

Here’s a solid piece of advice for leaving your husband when you have no money:

“The demise of a marriage is never a happy event, but sacrificing your sanity to a narcissist is not a healthy option,” writes Hara Estroff Marano in Letting Go of a Narcissist (Psychology Today magazine, July/Aug 2016). ” Your husband isn’t looking out for you or your relationship, and such active disregard can go a long way to making you vulnerable to depression and despair. It is especially important now to pay attention to your own needs and take action on your own behalf.”

Dr Marano advises women who don’t have money to leave their husbands to prepare and plan in advance. Don’t move out of the house without consulting a lawyer first – unless you are in physical danger. Talking to a lawyer or family mediator doesn’t necessarily mean hiring a divorce attorney long-term, just seeing one for advice. This will save you money in the long run.

“Alternatively,” she adds, “it may be possible for you to get help through the civil or family law clinic of a nearby law school. You may very well be entitled to alimony, at least until you are financially self-supporting. Also, make note of your husband’s private accounts; all assets acquired during the marriage must usually be divided equally. And do make a record of all instances of abuse.

You won’t lose everything when you leave your husband, though it may feel that way. Remind yourself what you are walking away with: your life, your health, your future. You may not have money, but you’re getting from a bad marriage and a steady stream of fear and disappointment.

If you have to, you will find a way to take care of yourself. Find other women who can support and encourage you — and who you can help and support, too! If you’re staying in an unhappy or unhealthy marriage because you don’t think you deserve better, read How Women’s Circles Help You Stop Feeling Bad About Yourself.

5. Learn how to think strategically, not emotionally

In A Woman’s Guide To Financial Security After Divorce: The Basics: Creating A Solid Foundation (Think Financially, Not Emotionally®), Jeffrey Landers describes the critical first steps you need to take after your divorce to establish long-term financial stability. It’s extremely important for you to learn how to support your goals and vision with a sustainable spending plan that ensures your long-term financial security.

When you’re searching for tips on how to leave your husband when you have no money, you need to know the pros and cons of keeping your marital home and how to determine if selling makes better financial sense. You can’t rely on your emotions when you’re planning your future; you need to learn about reverse mortgages and why this unique tool might be a wise choice for you.

Yes, you need money right now. But you also need to start thinking about smart ways to use your retirement and investment accounts – and other sources of income – to add to your cash-flow and extend your financial longevity. You have to learn which assets are most favorable and what strategies are best for managing (and ultimately paying off) liabilities. This is part of taking action, and it will help you feel more in control of your life.

6. Open your own savings or checking account

Many financially dependent women don’t have their own checking or savings accounts. No problem! Even if you only have $10 to your name, you need to get to the bank and start your journey to financial dependence…and perhaps even wealth! And yes, single income families often live close to the poverty line. I grew up poorer than dirt – we even slept outside a few times. But I grew up to be a strong, vibrant, smart, educated, motivated, happy, Christian woman. I learned resilience and strength from my single parent childhood – and I respect my mom, who had no money and nowhere to go, but she left her husband.

Do you have a checking or savings account? Go to your nearest bank – or do some online research about financial institutions – and find out what you need to open your own account.

7. Take it one small step at a time

It’s easy to get overwhelmed, anxious, scared, and depressed about the journey you’re about to go on. Don’t let negativity or fear stop you from leaving your husband! Stay focused on what you will achieve in your life, and how much better it will be for your kids and yourself. Write down your goals for a year from now: how much money do you want to be making? What friends do you want to spend time with? How do you want to spend your days? Remember that it takes time to save enough money to leave your husband.

Start a journal, and write down all your hopes, dreams, and plans. Don’t let your current situation stop you from dreaming. Your thoughts really do determine your future – and it is now time to starting Blossoming into the woman you were created to be.

8. Get strength from women who felt financially trapped, but left their husbands

“I was in that situation for 23 years,” says Sheila in response to How to Know if Divorce is the Best Option.

leaving your husband with no money
leaving your husband with no money

“I finally opened up my own checking account, started saving a bit at a time, and made plans. When I finally made up my mind to leave, it took less than a month to finalize the plans. I gave myself a deadline and stuck to it. When you stay in a marriage like that, you enable every negative behavior your husband possesses. You become the martyr.”

It wasn’t until she made up her mind that her plans started taking shape. She stopped wondering how to leave her husband without money, and started actually making plans to end her marriage.

One final tip for women who need help leaving their husbands when they have no money…

Ask yourself, “Am I better off with or without him?” I suspect you know deep down that you’d be better off without your husband, but you can’t leave him because you feel stuck and helpless. My heart goes out to you, and I wish I could sprinkle magic dust on your problems and make them all go away!

But I can’t. All I can do is encourage you to stay hopeful and courageous, and to find strength in blogs like this and in-person support groups. Surround yourself with women who want to help you grow and move forward in your life…and don’t give up on your dreams.

How will you leave your husband when you have no money? Start thinking about the story you will tell your daughter after you’ve rebuilt your life! I welcome your comments below, but I can’t give advice. But, you may find that sharing your experience brings clarity and insight.


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535 thoughts on “How Do You Leave Your Husband When You Have No Money?”

  1. This has some great advice, but I am the husband who is being verbally abused and controlled by my wife. She has control over the money, house, cars you name it. We basically live separate lives where she controls it all…what is a husband to do with no money? What help is there for me? Nothing…I am tired of being made to feel like a useless slave in my house…

    1. Honestly I hated how this was worded from the the beginning. It should say “spouse”. Society needs to stop assuming all women are innocent and men can’t be stay at home parents.

  2. I left my husband 4 times but always went back, even though he hurt me worse each time. I thought I had no one, but when he left me to die I went to the police station for the first time. A really nice woman took my details and I told her everything. They took a statement and arrested him and put me in a place of safety where he could not find me. I was scared, really scared but thought if I stayed with him I’d die.
    I’ve started the divorce procedure with the help of a divorce organization and solicitor and got an injunction. I’m starting to breath again. There are people out there to help, don’t think you are alone! He always said to me no one will ever believe you and I thought he was right, but he wasn’t.
    You deserve better and the sooner you leave, the better. Be strong.

  3. Screw ‘The Secret’ and other diluted spiritual nonsense. And don’t go through your garbage looking for coke cans to find money to leave your husband. It’ll take forever. Get to the internet, find a professional, and tell people who are around you that this is the path you are on. You will find allies. Get help from experts who have seen a thousand women in this situation, and who helped them know when to end a relationship. Learn what options you have. Believe me you will find something that is better than the relationship you’re dealing with now.


  4. My life is HORRIBLE because my husband will not leave, he will not change , he is a lying, abusive ( physically and emotionally and verbally) sneaky, drug abusing and Lord only knows what else, monster.
    He is a sociopath (textbook ).
    He sucks my life out of me, he makes me wish I was never born.
    I truly believe this man is evil. He hurts me and smiles about it, if I cry he shrugs his shoulders and says ” go away b*tch”. He is cold and calculated and unfeeling.
    A soulless beast. He has done such horrible evil things to me. Things I can’t even speak of or write about.
    I beg him to go and he says ” no”
    ” u go”… I’d go in a heartbeat but I don’t have enuff money. I can’t just up and go so easily with little ones. In my case I’ve dealt with his trash and manipulative personality for 15 yrs. I would leave him. But I have nowhere to go, and no money saved. I never knew life could be so hard.

    1. I am in a similar position. Our last child is going to college in September, if Covid 19 evèr goes away. Im slowly putting away money.

    2. Wow this sounds very much like my boyfriend Except he’s not physically abusive . I have been thinking of ways to leave him. We have a 1 year old son together and I have a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship and her dad is awful as well. It’s very overwhelming. I have to tell you that how you described your husband -that is terrifying and you as a mother have a duty to get u and ur kids away from him. He sounds extremely dangerous. Also you have to try to let his mean words slide off of you bc there is no validity to the cruel words of narcissistic ppl! He has been tearing you down to make you feel like you can’t leave. You are a strong woman and you can find a way out! I found a way out of my past awful relationship, it was not easy but I did it- and unfortunately have landed in another one- but we only have 1 life and we are better than giving in and spending the rest of our lives unhappy with these psychotic jerks. You deserve much better than settling and living in agony. I wish I had good advice for you but I really did want to respond to this because it reminds me of what I’ve dealt with and it’s such a lonely experience. Pls hang in there and start planning and find a way to save some money ❤️You and ur babies deserve a better life. Document everything that’s happening with him so that when you go to court you have documentation and you can get child support and custody❤️It’s not easy but wow you will be so happy to be able to look back and say that you got you and your kids away from this jerk.

    3. I am in a very similar situation and feel stuck. Except I’m 4 months pregnant. And have been layed off cuz the covid19. I’m constantly abused verbally, mentally and it just recently got physical. Everything I do is wrong. But I’m dependent on him to pay my car payments and everything right now cuz I have to have a car for Dr. Appt etc. Im constantly a “loser who won’t ever amount to anything” and a “dumb $#”?!” When I cry (which is rare cuz I don’t let him see me hurt.) He laughs and says “poor you”. Yesterday he got mad at my driving and slammed my head in the window. I literally have know this guy 28yrs. We have been friends our whole lives. Since we were 5. And it hurts me that I finally seen his true colors. And it took me that long. When I got with him I had a job, a place, a car, and was very independent. But slowly I’ve become dependent on him. And now I have nothing but my car and a little baby in me. I feel like a failure and weak because I’ve allowed this and I have no money or anyway to fix it. But I’m trying to get help. I will be working again soon it’s just can I take the abuse that much longer. And it hurts that someone I love so much can treat me this way. Especially while I’m pregnant and sick all the time.

    4. My life sucks right now.
      My husband is very physical, emotionally, mentally abusive. He is very draining. I just been through so much with him. I have two boys not his and we share a one year old child together. He is Muslim l am Christian. That’s a big difference right there. He started off so charming in the beginning so sweet than just changed. I really saw a big change once l got pregnant with are child who is now 15 months. He have just anger outburst sometimes. We never can have a normal conversation without him yelling or screaming. He is very controlling. I can bearly go anywhere. He don’t let me take are son anywhere. He threatened if l leave l can’t take are son he diplomat status. He also from Saudi’ Arabia. I’m from United States. He also don’t get along with my youngest son who is only 8 he don’t get along with his father he don’t allow me to communicate with him. We let my son go over his father house till the coronavirus was over, but my husband got in argument with his dad and now saying my son not allowed back to are home and want me to sign over joint custody and only want my son here every other weekend. I’m fed up with my husband. He also called my 8 year old he a shit like his father. Please l need advice answers because I’m fed up with him. He think get rid of my son and we will live happy. My oldest son, our son together and him. I just will never throw my child away. He think it will be less issues if he is with his father

    5. @ARYANNA
      I’m in more or less same state, which you described. But the thing is i am a 17 year old girl, my dad is over controlling us. He wants us to go away. You can’t live with in a home where you are not wanted. My mom is not educated, and we don’t have any money. I literally thought of ending my life, but didn’t. I know my dad does this as he has a lot of money so he turned arrogant. We feel stucked. And in the recent days we get thougts of this very very often. We don’t know what to do.

      1. As a mom, I am begging you to not do anything to hurt yourself. Your life will get better and your mom doesn’t deserve the sadness of losing her child. That would be my worst nightmare. You have choices, especially if you reach out to teachers, churches, department of family services… they will direct you towards resources. You can get finished with school and move out in the very near future, also. You will get past all of this and your life will be great and this will be a distant memory. Please just try to reach out for help to adults who are in your path, even if you and your mom have to be uncomfortable for a bit, it is better than staying.

    6. I am so sorry for you. I feel like I am living your life. My husband is the same way and says the same things to me. I’ve been married for 13 years and everyday gets harder for me. He gets more mean and nasty. I also have 2 children which have seen his behavior towards me. I am nonlinger very talkative around people or our friends because I never know if what I say will put my evening in a downward spiral. He drinks, emationally and cerbally abusive, and I recently found he is doing drugs. I fear now more than ever. I feel like I dont have a year to try to get things in order but I can’t afford anything now. I am saving as much as possible every pay. I fear that if I even try tonleave with my children he will come after me. But I tey tobtake it day by day. I’m sorry you are in this similar situation and I pray our paths will find us in a better place soon. This is hard as hell but people say we can do this.

  5. Thank you for writing this. It’s so hard to be in this position especially without any guidance. Your post has given me hope and a way to try and stay positive and find my way out.

  6. I am in a unhappy unhealthy marriage I married him because I felt like I was forced into it by him and family members. We argue all the time nothing seems to be getting better. We don’t touch each other at ALL we don’t communicate at ALL I feel as he is my roommate than my husband. I feel as I have to babysit him and always always asking for help. I have a 5 year old daughter which she ISN’T HIS. He doesn’t spend any quality time with her at all he throws a fit like a kid when I nicely ask him to play with her and spend time with her. He is depressed all the time and he makes me depressed. I wanna leave him and raise my daughter by myself without him. I am gonna start saving money every time he gets paid it’s totally time for a change. I will need to find a full time job day shift some where which I have bad social Anxiety horribly that’s the reason he worked the years we have been today. We recently got married back in September 2019 and we were together 3 years before we got married I left him several times in the past but it was hard to stay away from him when I daughter was depressed when he wasn’t around because she thinks that’s her daddy he was the only man around her entire life. I am stuck because I don’t wanna hurt my daughter and I don’t wanna stay in a unhealthy unhappy marriage and her see that to.

    1. I could of wrote this myself. I feel your pain and daily struggles. We must remain strong internally and positive to reach where we want to be. Way easier said than done and i for one don’t know if it’s possible but we will never know by not trying or worse by staying in this endless miserable cycle. When your feeling down, re read this article, it helps me as i go through this journey

  7. Why is always on the man for I’m sick of my nut job wife sick of being hit being told that I’m not doing anything to show love I’m sick of being the one who is paying all the bills and all she’s wants to do is sit and bi**h at me for everything. she Qiut her job she take off with her ex boyfriend two times in a row but yet it’s always the man’s fault.

    1. The difference is pretty clear. In this article they talk about how a woman who has no money can leave her husband. You said you make all the money in the house – so if you’re unhappy, just leave your wife 🤷‍♀️

    2. My husband say’s the same things about me. And you know what, I’m sick of being the nut job, the nagging bit**. But in my situation yes I’ve created all these big problems over the past year, but my husband refuses to see the reason I became the way I am! My problem was he stopped caring about anything I had to say. Although we do have sex often enough, I could walk into the living room completely naked and he wouldn’t even notice. Anytime we would fight, I would be called stupid, annoying, retarded, an ugly person, a cun* a bit** ext. Words like those, being called those names over and over eventually cut like knives and you start to believe you are these things. He would complain my cooking sucked, the house isnt clean enough. I have a 12 month old and since I had him I do everything a housewife should do with that baby on my hip. If I asked him to hold our child for 3 mins it would be fine. But if the baby started crying I felt guilty and ran to take the baby. Hos own dad cant handle it, but wont say so. So from a womans perspective….. woman become these nagging horrible bit*** because of all the little things the men do. If a woman is treated the way a woman who is loved is, I promise you you would be dealing with the woman you are. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe your wife does these things because she never really cared for you (and yes there are sick woman like this) if I’m right my apologies to you. But 99.9% of woman only become the bit** they are because there’s a man behind her who treats her like crap. Words alone let alone actions can damn near kill a woman who truly loves her man. Woman are fragile and can only take so much.

  8. I understand the helplessness in a situation as far as the issue here is concerned. When you have dependent children and you yourself is also financially dependent on your husband it’s really difficult.
    While all the suggestions sound reasonable, time is of the essence at the same time. Being physically in danger is not so much different from being in an anxiety and stressed state on a daily basis.
    All those things that were suggested will take time and what with having to take care of young children on top of everything else. While waiting for that cash from collecting and selling beer and soda cans, you are being slowly and consistently torn apart. Some of us are not young anymore to wait a year at least to start all over again.
    It makes it easy to say now when you got out when you were younger.
    We all know that jobs are scarce for people in their 50s. Not to mention the current economic climate, although they say is good; in reality, it doesn’t reflect on the majority.
    In other words, besides the fact that the world is already on your shoulder, well meaning suggestions essentially puts a ton of bricks on top of it all.

    1. I hear you, Maria. I’m 63, unable to find a full time job, and have no family left living who can help me out. If I don’t stay with my husband, I’m looking at homelessness, poverty, even starvation and death. I try to forgive myself for staying, because as human beings we are programmed for physical survival — and I have to stay to survive. If you can’t survive physically, who gives a damn if you are divorced and free from a bad marriage. This is the part of it that nobody seems to understand — not well-meaning therapists, not society at large. Talk about feeling completely alone and totally misunderstood! I hear you. It’s easy to say; virutally impossible to do.

  9. This is all good, but what a husband in the same situation? Men are looked on a little differently.
    I retired from my job with Ford motor company to follow my wife around the country, and raise our daughter. She maintains all the financial issues, and works, while everything else. She’s controlling, and belittles me in front of our daughter. She’s had an affair with a co-worker in which I forgave, because I thought it was my fault for being depressed. I begged her to stay with me because I couldn’t stand the thought of losing my daughter. I think back and it’s disgusting.
    My health is in shambles because of all of it, and I can’t get a job with my issues. At least until I get them fixed, which I’ve been trying for the better part of a year now. (Not having the best luck in that regard)
    But I need to leave soon, and can’t seem to get any help…well, because I’m a man:(

    1. Hi, Ken. Do you have 2-1-1 where you live? Contact them by phone or online and ask about resources for men in crisis. They might be able to help or at least point you in the right direction with resources. I hope 2020 will be a good year for you. All the best.

  10. Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have been married to my husband for 25 years. I have tried to leave so many times but taking my kids out of their home is so painful, I repeatedly go back for more! Each and every time thinking things will be better if I can just do more, be more patient, etc. My husband even went through years and years of counseling before it became evident that he was just showing up, that looked good. Now, me and my two daughters are suffering so much. I have started having anxiety attacks where I lose all of my muscle tone and it really scares me… but I do feel I have no where to go. I stopped working 20 years ago to raise our children. Now I am 56 and have a 17year old, and 14 year old still at home. Our issue is finances. He stays in charge of finances and I am certain has an issue with Financial avoidance. He has gone through my inheritance and “our” retirement. I was told to leave and protect myself but I am so scared. However, reading this made me see that I am doing the right thing. I cannot let my daughters witness their mother, who really is a very strong, intelligent woman, be destroyed. He says he is not intentionally hurting me, but it feels so intentional. My goal is to get out by the end of January!

    1. Rebecca, I know exactly what you’re going through. You are NOT alone. Do whatever it is you have to do to get out. Don’t let this man waste the best of you. I’m in that same rut as well, and I plan on being out of here with our son by spring. Know that you have others pulling for you.

    2. I’m really stuck, I have left my home and moved in with him some how it has turned into me paying all his bills and neglecting mine I was supposed to be saving money, now I cannot put my money towards fixing my home and going back, I have no where to go and Everytime I leave he makes me take the kids with me, I have no car and anywhere I go he has to be with me I need help so bad

  11. My problem is I have physical disabilities We have our own business that I work in when I can. At least once a week.
    I also feel bad because our 2 kids are involved with the business now and if I get a divorce then I will be taking money away from them. It’s very complicated.

  12. Wow. You lost me at “collecting cans”. FFS, what world do you live in where a mother of three can survive by collecting cans and washing windows?

  13. What an absolute load of rubbish.
    YES there are so many women trapped with arseholes who cant afford to leave.
    Doing odd jobs and selling items for a 75 cent profit is both STUPID and extremely ridiculous. Collecting cans WT actual F.

    1. I thought the exact same thing! This is ridiculous advice for 2020! Might as well tell someone to go live in a cardboard box, because at least that’s better than staying, right? I mean, who wouldn’t be better off living in a box under a bridge rather than living in a house with a roof and a bed and food and a car?! Survival is overrated anyway, no? Some people are on a completely different planet divorced from reality.

  14. Hi Mark – I’m too a male in my 40’s feeling very trapped and sad. This problem definitely runs in both directions. Seems it’s less of a male/female thing and more of an ego/money earner thing. Some people aren’t mature enough to be able to realize that earning $ isn’t the most important thing in the world and their misplaced importance on their own achievements turns them into intolerable tyrannical dictators.

  15. I have come to this site out of some sort of desperation, realizing that there is really no way out for me, after foolishly passing by every opportunity to leave. I can’t find a help line, a support group, a friend to talk to that I trust. So I really want to tell anyone who will listen and who is younger that you need to make a change now, ASAP, while you are still young because when you get older, it becomes near impossible without a great support system or family.
    I am 60 years old, been married over 26 years. Not my first marriage, so clearly, I do have my own baggage. I was determined to make this one work and it seemed like it would initially. My husband seemed smart and was very charming and I thought I could trust him, so rushed into marriage after only a few months although I had committed to not even dating as I was putting myself through school, focused, had a son to raise on my own. He was certainly charismatic, but I made that choice, and it is all on me.
    My husband was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder 8 years ago, but clearly signs of that illness reared its ugly head for at least 25 years of our relationship and did a great deal of damage–I retain PTSD from it, my son sought years of counseling. The verbal abuse, control, was horrible during his “episodes” which increased over time.
    He is also, at the very least, ego-centric, and I put aside all my dreams and goals for his own schemes and plans and projects, with him always promising that someday my turn would come, that this one was the one we could bank on. Over those 26 years, I took all sorts of crappy jobs instead of going for the graduate degree I wanted to insure that I could have safety and security, but I lost that chance to pursue what I was on track for. I listened and believed and waited for that change. Problem is, I allowed my old baggage to dictate behavior I thought I had healed in myself. I should have known early on from when his friends came up during our wedding reception to tell me about how just before he met me, he was on a series of drinking binges. He was once addicted to cocaine. During our reception he disappeared to smoke marijuana with his friends–he never thought anything of it.
    Two arrests for DV (amazing it was only that few over the years, I hid it well) so many psychotic episodes (i did not know that is what they were until he ended up in the hospital due to one) lots of psychological, some physical abuse, and here we are. He has been medicated for the past 7 years, and is like a zombie now in his personality, increasingly, but he self medicates in addition, doesn’t work and has never held a job beyond 3-4 months. It is like he is a child but makes no real effort to be otherwise.
    I collect a very small disability due to exposure to a toxic substance which causes me imbalance and dizziness and I have painful arthritis (stress?) it is hard for me to drive. I have been pondering leaving for years, but have had no support system or resources. No family, my best friend passed away, we moved to a new town about a year ago, and there isn’t one person I know or trust enough to turn to now in my life. I agreed to go to counseling 9 months ago after we moved (we basically couldn’t afford the house we had, so had to sell and leave the home we loved because my piecemeal jobs were not enough for the upkeep and he thought he was too good for anything menial–still does). In all that time, he continues to make excuses, becomes defensive, and pretty much is forgetful which his excuse for everything. Recently he has begun to cook a few meals, vacuum. Tired, sleeps late every day, has to be told everything like a child. Yet, the friends he has made (all child-boys) he talks and jokes with, always accommodating to the mother he love/hates, can function better IF HE WANTS TO.
    We have not been intimate in years, and I can never trust his word as he has never truly owned up to what he did in the past, or made it better, but over the years because of his diagnosis, he got the help and the doctors and support groups he needed, and I kept taking care of him, waited for him to change, now I truly believe I have waited too long to leave and I see it so clearly. I don’t know if I can save myself, but perhaps someone else will listen and heed my warning.
    I have found myself getting angry, very angry, it’s bad for my health. My son recently married and lives across the country, I dare not divulge to him how unhappy I am because I am trying to preserve his happiness after all he was exposed to growing up. It would be cruel.
    I have a few rescue cats and I would never abandon them, so in order to leave I must plan carefully.
    If I cannot leave within a year’s time, I worry what will become of me. Heart attack? Stroke? Cancer? I am sad almost all the time, lonely, and no one to talk to, hopeless, hurting, broken, sad sad sad, but I keep on.
    Any one of you who is looking to leave a bad relationship and is younger–I see now all the ways I could have done it and failed to, that is my fault— know that your children are counting on you to do the right thing, if you are young and employable, there is a way. It is not easy AT ALL, but don’t become me, looking at old age with what feels like nothing much left, no purpose or meaning. Get out while you can, if you have friends and family, enlist their help. Be honest with yourself. If it hasn’t changed by now, it won’t. They never change. Oh they promise, but then you are left with yourself to wonder why you sentenced yourself to unhappiness. DON’T BE ME.

    1. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Your story sounds just like mine just longer. Mine has been going on for 13 years but basically almost identical. I have left once but my living situation didn’t work out and we had to come back. We have been back for a year but I have been getting more angry as time goes on. I can’t stand to look or hear him.
      I live in the bedroom when I’m not taking care of my son. You have given me the courage to move forward and allow my son to have to grow up like this.
      I hope you will find the strength to move forward. 60 is not old. I am 52 and have an 11. You can do this!!! I have faith. I will pray for you. Good luck.

    2. I feel the same way .. I think I am in the same situation..I wish you the best outcome… I think I could not have said it better myself…Bless you..

  16. I have tried to go to social services but they could not Offer me money food for myself, let alone money to live. I’ve asked everyone and no one can let me stay until I get on my feet. I have a disability and need reconstructive surgery but I don’t qualify for Medicaid or SSI. sometimes you really are just stuck with a loser husband who thinks only of himself, lost our home, has no money to pay bills and have to use his friend and my brother to sleep and go back and forth to their houses to live so we don’t wear out our welcome. But it’s getting old. I clean both their houses to earn our keep, dont eat most of the time…don’t qualify for food stamps. Can’t work a job because I have a damaged pelvic from surgeries to remove a rare tumor. Can’t move in anywhere to a new place because we owe so much money from previous utilities and no money for security…pretty soon they will be repossessing our car. I want to leave him because not only does he mismanage any money we have but he literally sucks the life out of me. I do all the work..he has a job but it doesn’t pay much. He is my only source of income. I have a dog that is our family dog and I’m not giving him up at this point. He’s not my problem, it’s the husband. I’m really stuck and destitute. Trying to help my brother sell my mothers house to pay for her care in the nursing facility…she has s reverse mortgage so it’s a fight. I cleaned and packed her whole house while being homeless myself. I’m so not well but can’t go to doctor because I have no insurance and don’t qualify for family care. It’s really bad…not sure what’s going to happen at this point. Sometimes, it’s just the way it is.

  17. I’m a women with two kids a part time job and no way of saving. My family all live in a different country and I have no way to leave. He constantly causes problems in my family by starting arguments and looking down on what they do and how they live. I don’t know what to do.

  18. Hi, Mark:

    I’m so sorry about what you’re going through. Thank you for your courage, for stepping forward to remind us that men can be in abusive marriages, too. Stay strong. You matter. I know it’s hard because, like you, so many of us are in the same kind of situation. We hear your voice because it is our own. You have a support system here. I know happy I was to find this site, myself. You keep going. Keep your eyes open for that one, small thing that can make a way for something better and bigger to happen. I will keep you in my heart and mind, and I will be pulling for you.

  19. This isn’t only a women problem. I am a man in my 40’s and on disability. The government doesn’t care if you receive enough money to live on, so I am literally stuck in an abusive and toxic relationship. I have no family, and nowhere to go. There is no help either, even emotionally, because this is not something a friend can relate to. I keep praying for a miracle that will just never come. I have already lost 9 years in this situation and that is time I will never get back. Sometimes it feels like there is only one way out, and that isn’t what I want.

  20. I’m grateful for this source of information, Like many on this thread, I am also struggling. I’m fortunate enough that we don’t have children being involved in this madness. Maybe I feel the need to be heard, vent, write it out and know that someone can sympathize and spare a kind thought, even if in passing. My husband struggles with depression, however, as he has been climbing the work ladder, he’s been becoming more and more vain. He makes comments about the weight I’ve gained (i’m confident it is stress related weight gain) he belittles me and makes me feel terrible for who I am. I know I am a good person, but not sure why I stay. A good book to read for anyone who cares…”Too good to leave, Too bad to stay …by Mira Kirshenbaum” it helps you to prioritize why you should stay or not. I found it somewhat helpful, but obviously not too much since I am still in this delicate predicament. I’ve been taking the full force of all of my husband’s verbal abuse for 11 years. I’m starting to realize how much it is costing me and my sanity. I have self doubt, low self esteem, and complete loss of self worth. I know that deep down, there is still a good man underneath all that sickness and selfishness…I just don’t want to be around anymore while he wallows in his own problems. I feel like an empty shell, I’ve given all the emotional support I can, and don’t feel that there is any left to build myself back up.
    Thank you for anyone who reads, I guess its just good to get it out there.

  21. Hello I am looking to join a support group for women wanting to leave their husbands. I am making plans but need extra support.

  22. Hi I’m 57 need help. I paid my lawyer some money already still owe him 1300dollars. I’m all alone here no friends or family. My kids can;t help they live so far from me I can’t even et to their homes.I’M on ssi and get very little my husband takes it to pay his bills. I do manage to save a few dollars every wee and give my lawyer that. Most of the time I don;t eat i have money to pay for food. I do look in garbage cans for food when no one can see me.I have held out signs in the street begging for money its very hard for me to do that. I was my only way to get extra money the my husband doesn’t know I have.It have taken me a year to say up most of all you must either go to your Dr and have records of the abuse or call the police. I had to do both. I have no one I can turn to for help. I’m still living in my basement of the home when I go to court I will ask the judge to let me stay down here til everything is including the settlement. he told me it will take about a year. He is also cheating on me, beats me, calls me names, its all my fault I called the cops on him because hit was kicking hit pushed me to the ground broke a rib and left lots of bruises and i have pictures of all this sometimes it has taken 3 people to get him off me.I need help now i have no way to get help I called and called many places no help. Money is the key to getting out that is something I don’t have and can’t get much of I cry most nights and sleep maybe 2 hours a day or night. I’m on so many meds that i cant get. i only get a few a month and I can tell the ones I don’t get. Is this killing me yes it is . I can tell already I feel 10 years older just not eating or getting my meds. I try to get the ones that are most important. can’t get them all. is I;m suffering and no one to talk to. I am very lonely. I pray to God for help every night to take the pain away from me. Yes I am sad lonely hungry hurt betrayed and made to feel like i can’t do anything right. I know i need help and no way to get it.

    1. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.. I feel like no one is there to talk to about things as well…I hope you find a way out and know that there is hope and always an ear to listen…at least I hope this is what this place here is for…

  23. I love this article the only thing I can say I disagree with is the having some family or friend to stay with or talk to even if you think you don’t. I really don’t! I was adopted by my grandparents and their other children could not stand it. They thought I should be put up for adoption. By the time I was an adult no one in the family liked me my adoptive mom was the only one I had my adoptive father almost smothered me to death a few times. But back then I was to scared to say anything. And it was not as heard of teen pregnancy and grandparents adopting their grandkids. So when my dad died in 04 and my mom 17 that left me with 2 elder aunts and one elder uncle how all died within a 2 year span among 1 cousin Dying in her car due to a seizure while her kids were at school and her kids found her when they got out of school. Another cousin getting hit by a car and killed. And then my husband lost his dad aunt and brother in a year span. And 3 off our good friends died. I have one friend she is in the same boat stuck living with her daughters dad. My car got repoed I am driving a car that might make it a few more months. Our house is in pre foreclosure. But my soon to be ex is in a trial period trying to save the house. While the 2 Nd bank that he has a Home equity line of credit is trying to sue for what he owed them. Once the house went into foreclosure they decided to freeze our account then let us get behind so they could sue us for almost 13,000.00. So money is a serious when everyone that could help is dead. Social services don’t care it your family is struggling due to hardship and hard times. You make a penny over their low limit you don’t Qualify. I am trying to get on disability. But will have to be divorced before I can qualify. And the man I am married to males to much. But not really his net is half his gross. With the rising cost of everything. It’s hard to live. It’s hard to save pennies with an Alcoholic husband. I am going to have to take advice from above and just open a bank account to put whatever I can save in. Because I woke up this morning and everything I had managed to save and still pay bills and keep us feed was gone pretty much I have 20.00 now. When I had almost 900 saved. It sucks I can’t work. But I have to many problems so I am gonna haven yo ask for some kinda spousal support unfurl I get my disability. And live with my soon to be ex even after divorce till I can save enough and have a reliable car and care for my daughter. She is number 1. Always I have to do what I have to do to keep her safe and feed and thriving. We have had it rough together a lot especially after the one person who we loved the most and she loved us the most passed away. I knew it was gonna be a struggle. I never knew it would be as hard as it has. Besides all the death we have had. So much sickness and injuries. I still struggle day to day but threw all this I have found I must be stronger than I think. Because living with a full blown Alcoholic. Is awful. They lie cheat spend all your money on Alcohol and cheating. A shelter may be our only option if I can find one. That will allow us to stay till I can get disability. Because I cannot work. I barley have any short term memory left. Do to medical conditions I have and stress only makes things worse. This won’t be the first time I have had to start all over with my daughter after a cheating stealing ex my first took all we had and left us homeless. Some friends took us in back then but that was over 12 years ago and their family has split up. So I can say I honestly have no friends to stay with or family. It’s gonna be sticking out as long as I can with my soon to be ex in his house or a shelter for women and their kids. To try keeping and trying to save money when with a full blown Alcoholic is very very hard without it starting conflict or fights. Cause when they want money to drink or they want a drink they will get it and they don’t care what they are Sacrificing. As long as they get their fix. Trust me talking, Interventions, family interventions, friend interventions going as far as asking them where they want to be buried because they are diabetic and taking all kinds of medication. And drinking strong Alcohol on top of it. Recipe for disaster and they don’t care. And it’s been like that for years and gets worse all the time. I tried to stop it before it got out of control. But if Alcoholism runs in our blood and they’re in alcoholic. Its very hard to get them to stop. Because After years and so much it overcomes them it becomes them it forms them it defines them and the person they are. And in my case it has turned he is just a mean person. He is not physical but when I say mean I mean it he is MEAN!!! To the point you want to run away. And never come back. It has become a toxic and I let things blind me to it. If I would have stopped wishing for him to be better after years and years. And opened my eyes sooner we would already be out. But now we are stuck. We are selling things and having a sale soon. But it won’t make us enough to live off. So now till the divorce is done and things worked out we are stuck in a bad position. That I will be getting me and my child out of ASAP. I will be opening a bank account he will not know about or be on. Because I can’t save money to get out if he is gonna take/steal everything I save. So now once again once I get enough to open an account that’s what I am doing and putting every penny I save in there. It’s almost like he wants to see if he can drink himself to death I don’t know. I just know I have tried everything to get him help, and get out of this place we are in. And nothing has worked so it’s time to say enough is enough. I am at that point but not financially. My advice to any woman would be to have your own account somewhere and make sure there is money in it and you put money in it. Never rely on any person or man yo take care if you. Always have a back up. I have seen some well off couples that seemed so happy break all the sudden and the women end up in bad positions and with their kids at least 90 percent of the time make sure you can take care of yourself and kids in the case something happened to your husband, your partner, or you needed out. Having your own money is safe way, it is a very smart thing to do and I can say I should have started several years back. Don’t stay in a marriage to try to help somebody to change to be better one can only get better if they really want to same goes for getting help it’s useless if they don’t want it. If the love of one is gone and one still has love the one with the love ends up hurt. So if you have the gut feeling your not loved like you love them and you have a crap ton of problems fights and issues. Then it’s probably best to get out as early as possible. If not you could end up like me. In my 40’s a daughter and no one except one friend in almost the same boat. No money no savings and what we did have was taken so women keep some money for yourselves and save it and be forget about it. I never dreamed when I fell in love with this man that it would ever in a million years end like this.

    1. Thank you for your comment. I’ve been unemployed for 20 years. I’ve been a FT mom and housewife w no income for that long. I have not missed anything my kids have done. 2 kids are grown but 2 teenage daughters still live here. He and his mom (who has been my arch nemesis from day 1) have and are doing everything they can to brainwash my daughters. So far it’s working and scares the daylights out of me. I have never met more evil people in my life. I agree that family and friends won’t do anything. Mine don’t want to be caught in the middle. My dad has offered me security away from abuse but it’s on a couch in his basement and that’s all I have. I’d have to leave both teenage girls and our pets who are all seniors that rely solely on me. I am stuck. As much as I’d like to be positive, it gets shot in the dirt the minute I try to do something.

  24. I’m 21, pregnant with my first husband and I have known one another since 7th grade. We dated back then, he was my best friend. Totally different person, now. He’s in the army, and he makes all of the money. He told me when we got married that I didn’t have to work, so I haven’t. I’m pretty much a housewife. We’ve only been married for 9 months, and I’m so miserable. He holds everything over my head. When I threaten to leave, he takes the car keys and my phone because he pays for them. We’ve gotten into physical fights. He emotionally abuses me, and he degrades me all the time. I moved away from home to marry him, so I have no family here and no where to go, on top of that, no income. When I threaten to leave, he also threatens to take our son away once he’s born, which scares me. My son is my savior, because my husband makes me feel like I want to die. I just don’t know what to do, where to start..can anyone please help me? I feel so trapped. I know I deserve more than this.

  25. I am 36 with two teens. I have been with my husband for 10 years. He is 26 years old we never had complications with age difference and everyone in both of our family accepted and loved each of us as their family until we moved across the state’s about 3 years ago, and he started hanging around kids half my age, even younger than him, now lately our bills are all overdue I have been recently diagnosed with medical conditions that stop me from doing any hard work even though i am still looking against my doctors wishes, which is super frustrating, I don’t want my kids to end up with a mom in a wheel chair. We have been fighting alot and he cuts me down deep about not getting a job to help with the bills, we live in a small apartment and tried having another adult in here to help pay but it’s too crowded and my husband wants to hang around them more than his own family. He constantly complains about anything that has to do with parental support, even though he put his foot down 6 years ago on the biological father paying child support because he is supporting them and the bio didn’t want anything to do with paying support to begin with so now I have no income for my children. My husband does work on the road so he does things against our marriage, that hurt me. He constantly puts down women, As if they were garbage lately, not caring the toll it takes on me or my kids. I am so far away from home I don’t even know what to do I am literally stuck. Ive been wanting to leave him ,Where do I go from here

  26. I have only been married for 2 years but we’ve been together for 11 years. We met in middle school and he was my first love, and I thought he was perfect until he started cheating on me. I blamed myself because I have always been shy and timid to show affection and maybe he was looking for that. Still, I stayed with him and after high school I worked and went to college but I hated what I was studying and I hated my job so he offered to take care of me. I stayed at home while he worked and I never got any education so it has been so hard to find a good paying job. I always get rejected. I go to job interviews but never get calls back and this is getting to me. I feel like I can’t find a way to provide for me and my son to get out. We fight constantly and I threaten to leave him but he just takes it as threats because I never do. I recently found pictures of him and a coworker together which I had told him to stop talking to since I had found previous messages about them flirting. I don’t want to continue this cycle of pretending like it’s not a big deal and act happy in this marriage when I am so broken inside already.

  27. I have been married for twenty six years and for the last ten, my husband has been a meth and heroin addict. He recently overdosed on a road at 5:30 in the morning and was narcaned by the police. I was able to get him into rehab a few days later, his first time in a facility. Over the course of his twenty eight days in rehab, I found out about a disturbing amount of extra marital affairs. I went to the family program at his rehab for four days where he proceeded to tell our counselor that everything was my fault, including his cheating. He has been home almost two months and I think he is still clean. Yesterday, however, I found evidence of continued cheating. I am beyond mad at this point. After everything I have put up with and still standing beside him, he continues to disrespect me like this. He works for his parents and they have continued to pay him through all of this. I work full time but we have a son with a disability. He has said he won’t help with his care or insurance. We pay our son’s rent as well and he is refusing to help with that if I leave. I am stuck and I don’t know what to do. If it were just me and my financial needs that had to be met, it would be a no brainer. I just don’t make enough to sustain a household for myself and one for my son. I am just so overwhelmed and I don’t know what to do.

  28. I’m 26 with a 4 year old little boy who will start kindergarten soon. I’ve been married almost a year to who I thought was the love of my life. On and off dating for 8 years. I found out recently that husband has been cheating on me with escorts/prostitutes. He’s spend thousands of dollars and it has been an almost daily thing with him. We’ve had a happy marriage and have sex regularly, I don’t nag at him and I’ve always done things right for our marriage. The first time I caught him was 3 months ago, he told me that he liked to talk to them to get a thrill out of it but never went further. The second time I caught him he finally told me the truth and told me details of what the escort and him did. I am devastated. I have no money, no job, I am a full time student and I have a year and a half to go. I don’t have any family around here. My mom is on drugs in a different state and my father left me when I was 12. I don’t speak to any family and I am too embarrassed to talk to my friends about this. My husband is saying he’s going to change and reach out for help. I’m clueless on what to do if I should move on or try with him. I don’t know how I will provide for my son and I and I’m so close to reaching my degree. I have so much hate in my heart right now and I am just stumped on where to go and what to do. He is the money maker of the household and he tends to hang it over my head. He always says “you wouldn’t be with me if you had somewhere to go” after this has happened. I drive myself crazy wanting to check his stuff daily. Please help with advice, love and prayers because I need to feel love again.

  29. The thought of leaving your husband – especially when you have no money – can become scary and overwhelming. Two important things to remember: 1) Take it one little step at a time, one day at a time, one decision at a time; and 2) Talk to people in person who can help you create a realistic action plan.

    Getting help and doing preliminary research on the internet is a good way to start gleaning tips for leaving your husband, but you need solid advice that fits your exact situation. You may need a lawyer, or just a good accountant. You may need to talk to the police, or just your family and friends. No matter what your situation, it’s important to get as much information as you can! Call or visit local women’s groups, advocates, social services, and support groups. Support groups are an especially powerful, helpful source of inspiration and information for women who have no money.

    Jesus, I ask for Your love, grace, and strength to cover these women. Be with them as they prepare to leaving their husbands. Help them find the money, resources, support and friendship they need. Give them hope and faith, courage and resilience to face the journey. And, Holy Spirit, bless them with wisdom and insight! Help them make good choices; help them make decisions out of a heart of peace, love, and forgiveness. Give them wisdom above all…and a healthy sense of curiosity about what You are doing next in their lives!

    With His love,

    1. Finally, someone who gets it!!! I made a vow, years later to find out I made that vow alone. How ever still a vow I made before God and Family. So the bought of leaving a man who is emotional abusive ,and has been for 17 years, is not an easy decision, due to the vow I made. How ever my heart just can’t take much more. I want the freedom of me again. I am afraid! Afraid to go, afraid to stay, because I’m not living my fullest life with this man.
      But,,,how do I get there from here??????

      1. I met a guy when I was 19 and he was 32.12-13 year age difference but our conversation was the same. 2 months later I’m informed he has 3 kids to my none. Well now the baby mother is upset a new girl is in the picture and doesn’t want anything to do with him or the you know she dropped them off and left them. Wouldn’t see them for weeks wouldn’t call would dick and Dodge them..wouldn’t do anything for her own kids…so now I’ve left my mom’s house and living with him in his mother’s at the time he’s not working but his mother made it clear for me to be there I had to work and clean her house…I thought I wanted love I thought I wanted a man. I got a job quick to be with my man. Fast Forward 10 years and two babies later I’m now a stay at home mom of 5 I live like I’m 50. I have no friends don’t really speak to family and I’m MISERABLE. the only good part of this story is MY KIDS. We eventually got out his mother’s basement and got a apartment BUT SHE CAME WITH US I’ve had to fight her I’ve had to fight him and even his children have gotten checked a few times. ITS HELL. I WANT TO TELL YOUNG GIRLS EVERYWHERE DONT FALL FOR THAT “BOYFRIEND CRAP” ITS JUST A TITLE. STAY HOME AND LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS THIS THE PATH THEY WANT US TO AVOID. SPEAK UP AND DONT LIVE IN SECRECY THATS HOW THEY WIN…THE PART WHERE THE LADY SAID WHAT AM I GOING TO TELL MY DAUGHTER? I WANT HER TO BE STRONG SO I HAVE TO BE STRONG..WE WILL OVERCOME LADIES WITH WOMEN SUPPORTING WOMEN WE CAN OVERCOME

  30. I need to get out of my marriage but I don’t know how to do it. I am 46 with 2 kids age 11 and 10. I own a house with my husband and I have no money. Any recommendations on how to prepare to leave? How much money should I save, etc. should I plan to get an attorney? I am not in love anymore and living a miserable existence, but I need to do this right.

    1. Cara, inch by inch life’s a cinch, yard by yard its real hard!!! I am in the same boat, but I have more faith for others than myself. I am 64 years of age, I keep waiting hoping for change,,,,,, here I am still waiting. You can’t wait for your life’s best, sometimes you must make it happen. Talk with your friends, those you can TRUST, and will help you, not the nosey friends, the caring friends!!! The heart must have what the heart needs. There is a way!

  31. Thank YOU for giving me the “Umph”” I needed. I have been married 20 years…if you want to call it marriage. I am with a HUGE Narcissist and an Anger Agressive Bipolar to boot. Its just cycle after cycle and I am exhausted. Our children are grown and out of our home. I see nothing to keep us glued anymore. Truthfully, This started failing 10 years ago. Maybe I had Co dependent issues. Idk anymore. Truthfully, I don’t care. I just know this is isnt healthy. Side note: I asked him in our last “serious” conversation….what he saw that I was good for him. He stated “Well, you cook for me, you clean the house, you steam clean my carpets, you make sure I have lunch every day and you do my laundry” I was FLOORED. Then I asked him to tell me the same answer as to what he saw that his MOTHER was good for him. I got “Well she is there for me when I need to talk, she loves me —thats for sure, and she always took care of me. That was it. I was AWAKE. I saw where he stands. Want to hear the crazy thing….his mother walked out of his life a year ago stating she wanted to “part ways” because they got in an argument. Yes, I know it sounds like I am ranting. I guess I finally just needed to vent and state the truth of my life. I now know….I am NOT helpless. I am a grown 46 year old woman and I can do anything. Here is to saving change, buying gift cards and hiding cash to get my own place! Thank you ladies for everything you provided in advice!

    1. Thank you for telling your story. I’m married to narcissist (17 years on the 24th) and we are in one of his ‘cycles’ right now. It gets dark and completely takes hold of me. I am also 46 and coming to terms with the fact that things are never going to change and I need to leave. I asked for a sign and then read your post. I guess you’re that sign. So thank you.

  32. Thank you for PRACTICAL information. In the paralysis of trying to leave, even the simplest of tasks seem mountainous.

  33. I’m married 6 years 3/21/13 and my husband is an alcoholic. I feel like I’m getting nowhere in life due to his insecurities and controlling ways not allowing me to work or go school to better myself. When I’ve brought up divorce or leaving him he gets verbally abusive and threatens he’d make it worth it if I ever tried to go which I’m terrified in the past he has hit me.and I know he it but I’m scared yet dying the longer I stay. We have 2 kids together he uses them for an excuse to work it out…… I’m afraid to travel 13 hours home with my 4 kids alone.

    1. I’m married for 28 years my husband is verbal when he drinks. My kids are grown but I wish I had left when they were little because my oldest still remembers how mean we were treated. My husband recently I had helped him get into addiction doctor but he quit and I caught him drinking. I’m tired of the cycle and I have no job right now but I’m selling our house and leaving him. It doesnt get better it’s just a cycle. Good luck and God bless

  34. Hi my names april I was thresghtend to marry this man so I did how do I get out of it so Its like it never even happened help me out

  35. Antoinette Mosley

    I am in this marriage and I feel stuck, want to get out. Tried of being in this loveless marriage. We are room mates.

    1. Hi l know how you feel it is hard to leave without being able to without money of your own but ask your seif this are you happy?

  36. I am a pharmacist, but haven’t worked as one outside the home in 15 years due to my son’s issues. We adopted him when he was 22 months old. The first several weeks he was home, he was fine. His first pediatrician even remarked that he was the largest and healthiest internationally adopted child she had ever seen. Days after that appointment his behavior and personality significantly changed. He has been kicked out of or shunned from practically everthing. I was fielding all the phone calls from school. I was taking him to all the appointments. When school got so bad, I pulled him out to homeschool him.

    Ten years ago I figured out what helps him and eventually got him well enough to try a regular classroom again. That school was willing to work with him. I was still getting phone calls and having meetings, but he thrived, won awards, including perfect attendance, won first place in a regional archery tournament in the elementary boys division, was recognized at the county level for a poem he wrote, etc., etc. When he moved up to the middle school, things went downhill again so I ended up having to pull him out again and homeschool him. It also doesn’t help that my husband and his mother (who never went to college a day in her life) have sabotaged and made fun of the regimen that helps my son for 10 years now….even though I am a clinically trained doctor of pharmacy and figured it out when no one else did….including several physicians.

    I helped put my husband through school. I helped him start his business. I paid the portion of his student loans his income didn’t cover. I paid the mortgage and car payments. We always did what he (or his mother) wanted to do, went where he (or his mother) wanted to go. After our son vecame ill, my husband began berating me for not having his meals ready or laundry done or house clean when he got home but would plop down in front of the TV when he got home instead of helping me with those duties or playing / taking care of our son…because he was too tired. He was bad at running a business. I cashed out stocks and gave him the money to help his business even while I was still working as a pharmacist. We refinanced our home several times to put money back into the business. He never helped me homeschool and when he finally did occasionally “help” with our son, he took him to movies he was way too young to see or to concerts and then would text me how proud he was that our son got to smell pot and see naked boobs.

    The recession in 2008 hit his business, but not as hard as when our state changed insurance facilitators for their Medicaid program. When a recruiter called him about taking a corporate job,he took it and began the tedious process of selling his business and relocating us. Before it sold, I cashed out all of my retirement and gave it to him so he could keep his business open so there would be a business to sell. He took a significant loss when it sold and still owes a ton of money to several people because he didn’t set the loans up correctly and can’t bankrupt without bankrupting personally…which he refuses to do. The buyer also didn’t purchase the account/ receivable so he gave me that to collect in addition to homeschooling our son by myself and getting the house ready to sell by myself with little funds. It was then that I found out that he had been writing off the accounts of several of our “friends” and family…including my family…people who knew we went through infertility and adoption. People who knew that our son had medical issues and that the insurance we had at the time had put a permanent psychiatric rider on him so none of his medical bills were covered. Now since I have called him and these people out on it, I am the crazy, selfish one. They are on his side because they benefited from what he did. We are cohabitating until I can get all of my proof and can find an attorney who will take my case for free up front until I can get alimony and child support….if there even is such a person.

    I want to start a non-profit that provides instruction / education to help families with children like mine or with Type 2 diabetes or obesity, because the regimen that helps my son can help with those too..and other health issues, but those are the ones I have experience in. After going through this, I want to own cottages with a central cafeteria / club house (for meals and regimen instruction) and also provide a safe haven for moms in similar situations so they can help their children and maybe have home business / small business workshops so they can get out too if necessary. Stay-at-home moms, particularly those with kids with medical issues are so undervalued!

    We relocated to the area near the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. I have already scouted out the area where I want to have my retreat if anyone wants to mentor me or help me with the non-profit… 😉

    I will not go down without a fight!

    1. I’m in Kentucky and what you are describing would be a dream job for me!! That is if I was courageous enough to go. Prayers as you continue on your journey!

  37. I just hit 60 aside from freaking out over that, I was more annoyed with myself as I vowed by 60 I would be gone. I no longer love my spouse and have been miserable for years. He has become nastier through the years due to the fact I refuse to be intimate with someone who calls me horrible names ( we can all guess the main one ). I see no future and each day is akin to grounds hog day. I can hardly keep my head above the water so to speak but muddle along as though some magical thing will occur and change this situation. It will not. We are all victim of allowing willingly or not Men to control, we raise our children but never think of ourselves because getting old seemingly for most is a long time coming, nope! The no place to turn is very real, few woman shelters are available, if you have no car you cannot work. A vicious cycle. At present I am struggling with where to start.

    1. Cynthia…i will be turning 57 this month and everything you wrote is exactly my situation and how I feel. U have started putting aside money last month because I can not take it any more. He lost his job, and works on his own now and just puts out enough money to keep bills afloat monthly, may need to have prostate surgery and refuses to put cash up for a months he may not work so we may loose the house, I’m sick of being with someone who won’t listen to common sence, we havr no relationship and each have our own bedroom, suck of it all, saved over 200 the past few weeks, not much but it’s a start. If you want to talk, my email is sincerely, Laura.

      1. Well, what to do when the alternative is being poor and husband makes a huge amount of money? He’s so mean that he complains when I go to the doctors and have to pay for the deductible – I have a health problem which hinders working long hours or customer service jobs. I would end it all, but the rest of my extended family need me. I don’t know how much longer I can go on – I used to have my looks, but now even that is fading.

  38. Hi Everyone,
    I’m in a similar situation as most of you. Bad marriage for 23 years and severe mental abuse that has also greatly effected our adult children. PTSD is a real problem for me.
    I have been watching a you tube channel called “CheapRVliving”. This may or may not work for some of you but in the end it’s better to get out with your life, mind and spirit intact.
    This channel chronicles MANY woman ( and men as well) who’ve had to leave their lives behind, all for different reasons.
    The great thing is they show you step by step how to live comfortably in very small spaces, like cars, vans, cargo trailers etc.etc.
    Now I know this might sound wonky to some, however…..these woman are incredibly happy they did it.
    They also show you how you can make a living on the road and most of these people live on less than $300.00 a month,and put most of their earnings into savings.
    In every state there is public land that you can stay on for free and there is a whole wonderful community out there that look out for each other. These people are NOT bums, they are people just like you and me .
    ALL the woman are extremely happy in their situations and have made great friends that love to help out.
    They talk about everything from safety on the road, bathroom stuff, how to prepare food, and anything you could possibly think of.
    It’s given me great hope and we could all use a big dose of that. Even if a person did it for a short time, just to get out!
    You may have to put your belongings in a storage locker and buy a cheap cook stove, most of what you will need is already in your house.
    As far as the kids are concerned you just tell them “we are going on an extended camping trip”. I understand some of you might have to wait til summer time, when school is out. Check out the homeschool laws in your state, you may be able to pull your kids out without much hassle and educate them yourself. If you taught them to walk, talk and eat with a spoon, you can do it, I guarantee it!
    I homeschooled my kids for 14 years, in Washington state, super easy to get it set up. If I can help you in anyway, I’m glad to do it.
    The things you will need to start….. is a cell phone, a vehicle, toiletries, essentials, food, all important paper work, like birth certificates, SS#’s, anything of value, jewelry, cd’s, and anything you can sell.
    Where there’s a will, there is a way. But you can start by just watching the video’s, it will be a tremendous help, if anything it will give you ideas and hope.
    G-D Bless you all 🙂

      1. Hi Paula,
        I love what you’ve done here; Hope is a great thing and sometimes it’s all we need to get going.
        I cry pretty easily and have for years; your “thank you” means more than you know.
        I found some other info that might be helpful for those in need of medical, dental and or vision all free through a program called
        RAM (Remote Area Medical).
        If someone is interested, look it up on the web and see if it’s something that will work for you.
        I’ll keep posting little tid-bits as i learn more. If that is alright with you 🙂

        All the Best~

    1. Wow!!! Thank you so much!!! Not sure where I’m at, at the moment… but RVing is something I seriously started thinking about…I will surely check out the you tube channel! And the medical stuff. I think I would be more concerned about vehicle registration, licenses plates and home address…

  39. Hello, I’m 57 been married 34 years.. I ve gotten where I hate…I started hovering so I could get independence.. but I cant get ahead.. he m as in es me account egg or every dime. And honestly still camt put nothing house is in my name from my papa.. nothing can touch it.. I left him. He gollowed.. bbn ow I cant get him out.. snd he has no extra money to leave.. I have animals.. we don’t sleep in same room for 4 yests..I stay gone working 12 hrs a day plus 4 hours travel in ng to work.. I come home and the house. Yard, garage, everything is has become distraught.. I have to take of work to get things done.. how can anyone set in clutter and filth.. i go to my room and stsy.. hes hollering and bitvhing all the time.. if i do t answer the damn phone i get th oriented screamed at.. always questioning me.. will not let me tf ouch his phone but he will pick mine up and call the people in it..he will humiliate me in fing feed up . But cant leave with animals.. tired tired.

  40. It hurts. I am not married, but I have an almost one year old with someone who tells me in front of his kids that I’m stupid and never do anything right and I suck. That I’m unworthy and unlovable and need to be someone else, someone who is anyone but me. He says if I am hurting it’s my own problem and nothing to do with him. He says if I’m not useful he doesn’t want me. He says I need to be the one to change. He says terrible things about my dead mother, who he’s never met, and how she failed with me. He won’t let me talk to anyone. If I tell anyone and he finds out he’ll leave me. He threatens to hire a lawyer to take my child because he knows how and he has custody of his two from a previous relationship because their mom didn’t want to be a mother anymore. I am afraid for my son’s future. The only thing I look forward to is the joy of raising and loving my son. I look forward to nothing else. He’s the only thing of value that i have left. It’s hard to get out of the house even to shop because he’s in school and working one day a week and there’s three young kids and never a good time to get out.

    1. I’m so sorry you are dealing with such a mean person. Do not believe the lies he tells you about yourself. You are doing him a great favor taking care of his kids while he goes to school and works. He needs you. Maybe he got his other kids because their mother wasn’t around, but that is not the case with you. You are a dedicated mother and the outcome doesn’t have to be the same, he is just saying that to scare you. Do you have family you can go and live with? If not please talk to a women’s shelter–even if it’s not physical it is certainly emotional and mental abuse. The threats to take your child for no reason is abuse. The isolation from friends and family is abuse. A shelter can help you. God bless you and your son (and those other two innocent children).

  41. I am a 20 year old stay at home mom. We have a 1 year old and we are 3 months away from having our second. I was in my first semester of college when I got pregnant with our first. Since then I’ve been living with my fiance, we got engaged 2 months after finding out we were pregnant 5months into the relationship. I’ve never lived on my own, barely even experienced college life or just life in general. I hasically became a housewife at the age of 18 and I have been that way tor the past 2 years. I have been in and out of work because I couldn’t keep a job long enough because my daughter and I would get into poor health at times and my jobs weren’t that flexible. He’s made so many job changes and has so much debt, we are barely even living but we can’t get any state assistance. Anyways, our relationship went down the drain after our daughter was born and then he injured himself at work becauee he was hungover and he stayed at home for 6 months healing after surgery. What’s sucks is that he got better at 4 months into the recovery, his doctor even told him he could help out with the baby. He never lifted a finger and complained changing diapers was too hard, making a bottle was too hard, simple little things that didn’t require much strength were too hard for him. We fought a lot at that time, I was juggling a new baby, housework, grocery shopping, work and trying to make meals while also having loads of stress from. Breastfeeding and the ups and downs of that. There was a even a time before our daughter’s first birthday were I was so emotionally, physically, and mentally done with all the arguments, his lack of help with house work and the baby that I broke up with him. Sadly, it lasted only 2 weeks because i didn’t have money to move out and he would cry everyday so I just gave in. Then we got pregnant with #2. He has made barely any progress with helpimg out with our daughter or even housework. He has 2 chores trash and living room. It’ll be 2 weeks before trash gets taken out and it’ll be a month before the livingroom gets cleaned. I have to nag him like I’m his mom just to get him to take out the trash instead of always playing his video games. I haven’t even gotten a break from our daughter because I know he won’t pay attention to her. There was 1 night i went on strike, not cooking or cleaning and he had ordered himself food but never even shared a bite with our daughter even though i asked him to orser her some food as well. He conveniently “forgot”, my poor baby was crying on the floor because she was so hungry and he wouldn’t share with her. I’ve been so stressed out about everything and to make matters worse I’m experiencing prelabor symptoms. But I can’t rest, because he will not take care of our 1 year old. We’ve had physical fights, heated arguments in front of our daughter and I’m at the end of my rope. I love him, i really do and I’ve tried to compromise, tried to change, tried to listen and also express myself calmly but I just can’t be his “mom” anymore. We are living paycheck to paycheck and he won’t allow me to work but I’ve been secretly filing out jobs applications and looking for 1 bedroom apartments, I’m just really scared of if this is right fot me and my babies. I’ve tried to stick it out but I’m drained and I don’t want my girls to see me resent their father. I want to be free in the sense of finally being able to be my own person and raise my babies in a less stressful home. I want to even try to get a degree, I just want to finally be a single adult, because i know i have the strength to do it on my own. I’ve already told him that i feel like a single mom but someone pays my bills. I want to be responsible and finally take charge of my life and happiness.

    1. You have to ask yourself what your definition of love is and is this really it? This guy is NOT going to change and seems to have no feeling for you or his child (how could a loving father ignore a crying child?). You are young and have the rest of your life to live so please do leave him and have a much better life. I should have gone years ago.

  42. This is me, it has been for years. There’s no love between my husband and I. We haven’t been physical in years, we don’t even share a room together. For our 25th wedding anniversary we did nothing, we didn’t even go out to dinner. We never do, that’s part of the problem, he won’t go anywhere with me or anyone. He only wants to stay home and play piano. I tried to prepare myself for our crappy anniversary since I saw he didn’t care but I spent the days before crying my eyes out and even then he didn’t hug me or ask what was wrong, he just played his music and ignored me. It’s bad enough now that even the thought of my dying sounds better than remaining here since I already feel like I’m dead.

    1. I’m so sorry. Is there anything you can do to prepare to leave? You have a lot of support on here from women (myself included) who know exactly what you’re going through!

      1. Sadly no. I spent the night of my 25th anniversary looking to see how much I need to try and scrape togehter in order to leave and where I could move to. The biggest part of the problem is I no longer live stateside; I was stupid and agreed to move to his country where I am completely isolated. I had told him that if he ever loved me he would at least get me a card for our anniversary. No card, no flowers, no hug or kiss, absolutely nothing. I spent that night telling myself ‘I have to escape, I don’t want another year of being treated like I’m nothing more than his housekeeper’.

        1. Do what you have to do to get yourself out. I know you’re in his country, but do you have or know anyone who might can help? If you’re close to the States, if you can scrape enough together just to get to the first state over the border, Good Lord, that would be freedom! Don’t give up, okay? Please don’t. I’m pulling for you. It may take some time, but keep getting together what you can. Little by little, bit by bit, you’ll eventually have enough to make a move. DON’T STOP, okay?

        2. I know just what you are going through! My husband and I have been married for 28 years next month. He started sleeping on the couch 50% of the time within the first two years of our marriage. We haven’t been intimate in nearly four years at all. He sleeps in the basement. We have two children now. I hate it that they are seeing us living like this. We hardly even speak, and when I try to talk to him, most of the time he treats me with loathing and contempt.

          Then, every now and then he will actually be civil, and it tends to get me confused. I AM SO TIRED all the time and have lately began to have issues with digestion and sleeping. I am SOOO encouraged by this blog! I have counselled off and on with a woman pastor who also divorced 36 years ago from a physically abusive husband. After seeing her for over 2 years, she agrees that I’ve done all that I can do and that God will not force my husband to do what he needs to do to help save our marriage. She said that kids are very resilient, and that I need to concentrate on providing an atmosphere of peace and well-being for myself and my children. She assures me that God will help me to do this, but I need to make a decision and then stick to it.

          I have decided that I want to separate, at the very least. Living with my husband has become toxic for me. I will continue to read this blog for sure. Thank you so much again for publishing it. God bless you all!

  43. I am 22 with twin toddlers (3 years old) and am pregnant with our third child. I do have a job but I don’t make much. Since we found out I was pregnant the first time I’ve relied on him. I was very sick that first pregnancy and was on bed rest for half of it due to preeclampsia. So he made all the money. I have a checking and savings but there is little to nothing in them. He has a past with addiction. Drugs and alcohol. To my knowledge he’s been off the hard drugs since we’ve been together. We were friends first and I helped him get sober. But he’s always had a problem with lying and being what my mom calls a “BSer”. We broke up for a while because he got aggressive and we were fighting a lot, back in 2017. Since we had the twins all responsibilities aside from bills have fallen on me. When we split, he fought me for custody but made little to no effort to actually have our kids. Things like that. Eventually we decided to work it out because I couldn’t stand to see my kids so heartbroken without their daddy and I love him too. He got some help and slowed down a lot on the drinking. For the most part, 2018 was a pretty good year for us. But just recently he’s been slipping back into old habits and behaviors. Drinking and always wanting to go out is becoming a huge issue and he’s been taking off and spending money we don’t have on alcohol and smoking cigarettes and driving drunk – which is what scares me the most!!! I don’t know what to do. I’ve gone through this with him time and time again. I promised myself the last time we got back together that if he went off the rails again, I’d leave. I’m pregnant with our third child, 27 weeks. I have next to no money and the one car we share is technically his. It’s financed and in his name so he can control that! I have to be careful but I think leaving is what is best. I can’t keep putting up with this! Please comment any ideas or serious tips that can help.

    1. Hi Serena,
      YES definately leave! He is dangerously unresponsible and your kids will pick up on his behaviors, if not already. I hope you and the kids are not in the car with him when he is driving drunk, shame on you if you are! Your children and you need a peaceful loving home without him, the children may miss their dad for a while but that is NOT and excuse to stay. Dont be like my grandma’s who blame their kids for staying with their crappy husbands. Now, your pregnancy may slow you down for a while but make plans to move in with a family member soon. It’s obvious that God is telling you to make the change in your life because no one is going to come down and magically fix things, we must take action!!

  44. I’m sick and cant work and cant get disability. I need a caregiver, someone to help with housework and groceries and our kid when I cant get out of bed. How can someone like me leave?

    1. My son and I are disabled but cant get disability. We live in the worst situation. I’ve been a housewife for 29 yrs. Even if I could get a job it wouldn’t pay enough to cover our health costs and I’m ill so often I dont think I could retain the job. Over the years of abuse I developed PTSD on top of my other health problems. I wake up in a panic and go to sleep in panic. The stress is just too much to bare yet we are dependent. Oh, what a nightmare.

    2. You cannot leave. Unless you can make a living online which is incredibly difficult. I am in your same condition. I have improved my health completely by eating organic and exercising everyday, I never abused my body or did drugs or alcohol, and I am still getting sicker everyday. He gave me an std and I think he is poisoning me. I am screwed! LOVE AND MARRIAGE AND HAVING KIDS IS THE WORST THING A WOMEN CAN DO!

  45. I have been married for 25 years. Most of those years were good, but the last 6 or so have been plagued with addiction, emotional abuse, physical abuse and financial ruin. Our 3 kids are now grown and gone and my mental and physical health are declining due to stress and emotional abandonment. I have no job or car or money. I feel trapped and alone and have contemplated suicide on many occasions. This past year has brought more heartache due to a family squabble with my siblings over my mothers declining health. I have alienated myself from them for my husband and now I have nothing and nobody. He makes fun of my mental health calling me crazy and never supporting me emotionally….which is what I need most right now. I also have no insurance to get the medical help I need. Any suggestions or advice will be welcomed…..please tell me where to turn before I hurt myself.

    1. Please call 1-800-273-8255 to speak to someone immediately. There are people who care about you, even if they may be strangers. I am one of them. I care about you and am worried about you, Susie. Please, please call the hotline, even if you have decided not to actually harm yourself, there are people there who can talk to you and help keep you safe. Please respond here as well so I know you are safe.

  46. I’ve been married 40 years- found out in 2010 -2011 my H has basically been cheating (last one was 10 year affair) since before we were married, one nighters, 3 somes, lap dances, porn, with all the secrets. With therapy and “seeing the light” his behavior has improved – no affairs since 2010 but still lies, porn, etc. until about 2014. I was in such shock I was diagnosed with PTSD – acted a lot like abused wife. Still get triggered on a regular basis and my health is deteriorating- even as he gets better. Only residual now is his anger/defensiveness when something triggers me and I express pain. He thinks I should be over it. I would like to be; another part of me just wants to say I don’t need this- and leave. I am retired from a good career- I could always go back but don’t want to- would rather babysit my grandkids. But sometimes, living with him, I get days of being in fight or flight mode. Do I get help to be able to calm myself or should I just give up and leave? Advice?

    1. Your health is at serious risk in this marriage. Do what you have to do, especially since you can take care of yourself financially. Please. Don’t let this man keep contributing to your health declining. Leaving may be best.

  47. I love the LAST COMMENTS …..about what you will tell your daughter. That should get someone THINKING. It’s what I tell my friends with daughters. I always comment that your sons will learn from a man HOW to TREAT A WOMAN and your daughters will learn from her mother or a woman HOW she IS TO BE TREATED.

  48. Seriously? Do odd jobs and on line surveys? That’s going to support not only the woman but her kids? I don’t even have kids and I know that I’d be basically homeless after the cost of the divorce with my meager income.

  49. My heart goes out to all women here on this topic and comments and to those who aren’t here. I thought I found the love of my life! After being a single mom since 19 and being in the army for 10 years it was hard doing both as I had to leave her a lot. I found a wonderful man whom she now loves as her dad because she’s never met her real one.

    I’m always very nervous now my heart beats like I’m on a roller coaster if I know he’s almost home or I see him not knowing what mood I’m working with that day. We’ve been married 4 years- it didn’t start to Sho until 2 years in. I know I should of waited longer but shoot I was already 35 and my first marriage. Well a black eye, 6 stitches in my head., a fractured breast bone and jese he will strangle me to let me know his power and I put this on my daughter I never yell or am mean because I know what happens he will break everything including me. He will find me if I leave – there is no safe place. When your dealing with a super narcissistic maniac you choose life over freedom … may sound like I’m brainwashed but no. Until you’ve lived it and know this person WILL FIND YOU I I cannot look over my shoulder my whole life just take me out here. Sounds horrible sounds tragic but once you’ve been in it for a while your numb to life.

    1. I came here looking for advice bc i have found myself in an emotionally abusive,controlling marriage. He supports my 3 kids and i and has even adopted them so i really thought this was the one! I said I’d NEVER get married and i’d never let any man mistreat me after i got away from my kids bio dad after 13 years of severe physical and emotional abuse. Like you, I COULDN”T leave bc he would find me and it would be SO MUCH WORSE when he did. I couldn’t put him in jail bc when he got out, he would beat the hell out of me for having him locked up. Restraining orders? lol TERRIBLE idea! I was only able to leave bc we both got caught up in a ring of ppl doing illegal stuff and went to prison. He had a prior record and i did not so I was out in a year while he still had almost 2 to go so I RAN as afar and as fast as i could. I found my now husband and he “saved” me and my kids so i was blinded by that so much i wanted to keep him forever as he HAS to be the one right? 7 years into it i’m seeing that he’s super controlling down to what “we” eat ,how late “we” watch tv,etc. I’m terrified of leaving bc i’ve NEVER been without a partner not once in 37 years but i HAVE to after all my kids and i have been thru to get here! I’m trying to get past the “stuck” area whuch is why i’m here 🙂 you CAN do it! it’s not going to be easy,you’re gonna find ways to feel guilty, better for the kids to just stay,etc but you all deserve better than that! I ended up giving up my 3 youngest to my mom to get them away from their bio dad bc i knew i could see them and they would be safe from him. 5 years of that and i met my husband and adopted my own kids back lol I really hope my sporadic thoughts give some help or push someone to not settle for “OK” or a ” LITTLE BIT” of emotional abuse.

    2. Layla I am in a similar situation. Never in a million years would I have thought I would be the one saying I’m in an anusive marriage. My husband comes from a lot of money, I am legitimately scared to leave. I know I can take my son and run, but he is so possessive I am afraid of that he will do to my family. Like you said, it’s stay and live or leave and god only knows. It sounds crazy just to type it out, but unless you live it, no one could ever understand.

      Trying to remain hopeful

  50. I tried leaving my husband and calling 211 for any shelters for my kids and I…. They made me feel so stupid for calling. They said, “You have a husband who takes care of you and you still want to leave?, Sorry. We only help women who are abused.. I felt so helpless and alone. I know never to call again.

    1. Judith, YOU’RE an inspiration. Your strength and will give us all the strength to keep fighting to get out of our own difficult situations.

  51. I have been married for 26 years. He has always worked and my work has been on and off here and there. I have not worked since 2012. 2 years ago, we moved away from my family after a very huge family fight. My husband started his own business 3 years ago and is very successful. Our kids are grown. We recently adopted 2 little boys. I care for them completely by myself 24/7. He does nothing. He works, comes home, eats and then its phone/computer/bed. No family time and no help. I cook, clean, do laundry and the kids. He will not even stop on his way home for milk! I have to wait for him to get home, load up the kids and go. He has never got up, never gone to the dr. never changed a diaper. He doesn’t mow the yard, fix the repairs or nothing! He has 2 credit cards and a savings and checking. I have NO access to any of it. I’m supposed to be tough! I cant be sick. I can’t have a migraine. I have to be a man and handle it. He is a tough guy so sick, half dead or whatever, he still gets up and goes all day so I cant be feeling anything close to that. There are times I have been doubled over in pain begging to go to hospital and he tells me to suck it up. The boys have medical until they are 18 but I have nothing!! When one of his friends cancels an outing for fishing due to staying home with their sick wife, he always calls the guy names and gets mad. I get a check for the boys once a month. I get diapers, wipes, milk, clothes, baby wash, etc. Whatever is left goes to cleaning supplies. toiletries and food. Then when I ask for money because I have run out for the month, it is a long, gut wrenching battle. He doesn’t discuss any plans with me. He just gets up and leaves and comes back whenever he wants. If I go anywhere, he calls to find out where I went and why I didn’t go earlier in the day. Like, does it really matter when I go? I have NO friends, NO family anymore and I feel like I am in prison. He put up safety privacy screen along the whole front fence. The gate has to stay closed ALL the time!! I cant have no one over but he can have his friends over. I tried to get a job and he said that he will not help with day care. Once I calculated what my paycheck would be, I would be working just to pay for daycare. He works and he pays the bills so HE makes all the rules. I get no money, no breaks, no fun, no friends and no time. 2012 was the last time we hugged, kissed, had sex or even said I love you but yet when I leave, he has to know where I am. We sleep in separate beds in separate rooms. My car is even in his name so literally, I HAVE NOTHING!! I want out! I don’t want my 2 boys treating women like this. Its not okay and its too late for me but I have to help my boys because they will not be taught that treating women or anyone like this is okay. I will never be happy again and I will never love again, but I need to know where to start and where to go to get started. I just want peace in my life!! I could go on and on, but I think I’ve said enough to let you know how horrible it is. My advise to anyone in my situation, start now and get out. It will NOT ever get better..

    1. I wish I could hug you. I am so sorry for all you’re going through. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I’m in the same situation. Keep fighting, okay? You may have to consider going to a shelter with your children for women in crisis. Contact one in your area and see if they can provide for cab fare to get you and your children to them. You may even have to put aside some of the children’s money just to do that. Whatever it takes, whatever it takes…

    2. Your story really hit home with me i wish i could reach out to you. Im in the exact same situation. Im 22 with a 2 yr old and me and my husband have been together 3.5 years and hes the exact same way im trying to get out before we get deeper into it but it seems impossible ! If you find anything out let me know !

    3. Married approaching 10 years.. Came to find out, he is gay, but all was ok up to year nine,.. got to the ninth year and he physically checked out.. now he has emotionally checked out.. I told him we could divorce by next May.. he just said.. ok.. I put my blessing on it. I never expected to hear that. No sex since last may.. right down to no affection at all.. He has always been so good to us.. then this last year.. he was just so cold… I have never cried so much in my life.. We have a 8 year old child.. but I have 3 grown children from a prior marriage. They are all with me. So we have nowhere to go.. My eldest daughter is expecting in March.. and came to be near me so that i could comfort her in her time of birth. My parents have passed. and We are fairly new to Atlanta and know of no one who could help us.. I am employed but not enough for us to survive on our own. Maybe 2 or 3 of us could meet, and plan to find a place to live,.. as we all seem to be somewhat in the same boat.. i could afford a third of a rent.. I just know we need help just getting out.. Maybe some of us can step out on faith and help each other..

  52. I’m a stay-at-home mom. I’m not married and I’ve previously escaped a bad marriage only to fall into what turned out to be a bad relationship. My boyfriend was great in the beginning but it’s become obvious that he’s given up on being a good boyfriend. We’ve been together for 3 years and have 2 kids together, a 20 month and a 6 month. My relationship started getting bad when I became pregnant with our first kid. He almost became a different person, it was as if he knew I was trapped now and now he can just treat me however he wants. Where he used to be attentive, caring, sensitive, loving, and always wanting me, he’s become distant, rude, insensitive, short tempered, verbally abusive. We’re currently in counseling when he can make it, otherwise, I sit by myself and talk. I can’t share how I feel about anything without him either ignoring me or blowing up. I’m constantly walking on eggshells and am fearful to discuss even simple daily matters with him. It even annoys him when I have a bad day. Even on our good days, he spends the day being sarcastic and picking on me, he rarely compliments me and only really does so when asked to. I’m reaching my breaking point. I have a 7 year old son from my previous marriage whom I don’t want to think it’s okay to treat women the way he treats me, I don’t want my other smaller children growing up witnessing our toxic relationship. I love him and I often feel stupid for loving someone so much that treats me so badly. I’ve broken things off a few times only to collapse and fall right back into it, thinking he might change and sometimes because I just feel like losing him would be worse than anything. I’ve even apologized and begged him to stay when I was never in the wrong, I actually often apologize to him when he hurts me just to try to end an argument. All our arguments last for hours and he never wants to talk and constantly deflects and calls me names. I feel like a broken woman. We currently live with my mom because our previous housing situation was unbearable. Staying with my mom for an extended period of time isn’t an option. She was abusive to me as a child and a few times as an adult. She likes my boyfriend and often sides with him while ripping me apart and saying things like I have no friends and can’t stay in a relationship because I don’t know how to love. She threatens to kick me out every time we disagree about something. I don’t talk to any other family. I also have one friend whom lives on the opposite side of the country and as much as she’d like to help, isn’t in any position to do so. I’ve tried local services and am either always told they’ve no money left to give or they’ve run out of room. I’m at a loss as to how to stop this whirlpool I’ve seem to have found myself in.

  53. I have been married for 13 years together for 21 and boy have things changed I was a working single person living on my own before we met after i had our son he wanted me to stay home worst idea ever over the years he has become jealous narcissistic immature and untrustworthy He takes advantage of every situation and everything is my fault always. He has fits like a two year old I never even heard of people arguing because he thinks I looked at a man yes looked. He has no self control and acts out every chance he gets. He loves an audience when his friends are around he will just pick fights with me because he knows i’m not ignorant and i won’t argue with him and make myself look as foolish as he does arguing over silly stuff like what music to play when we have company im trying to make everybody happy and just want what he wants. We did our DNA test and he actually got mad at me because of his results what i no makes no sense but thats been my life arguing over nothing. He puts his friends first they are his world they can do no wrong even when they disrespect me and our son racially O he apologised to who not me or our son but its fine with him. His family is just like him he is definitely one of them I don’t speak to them anymore thank god. No one should have to live like this i’m constantly in a state of stress we live check to check rent our home and he is horrible with paying bills every thing is late only paid after disconnection notices come out. There is no hope of alimony he can’t afford it and I don’t have family that I can get money from so I feel trapped. I live in sunny cali but there is no fairytale here.

    1. Hi, Deborah. I think most of us know this feeling. Do you have any family who can help or talk to? Any religious support? Any crisis centers near you for women? If you have 2-1-1 where you live, they might can help with safe places for you and your children, if you’re a mom. I hope this helps.

  54. These comments are all so so familiar to me! I’ve been with my husband since middle school. I’m 34 now and he is 36. He’s a verbally abusive mean as a rattlesnake type of guy. I use to say that I couldn’t leave because he was such a good father. But now I’ve met my breaking point. We have two children 15 and 2. My 15 year old always takes up for his dad! Why wouldn’t he? That’s all he knows! I have this guilt weighing on my shoulders for staying this long, for allowing my son to endulge in utter violence. I have swore to myself that I can’t do this to my 2 year old, who by the way, adores her dad!! We both make decent money so I can’t use that as an excuse, right! Wrong! I’m always coming up with some type of reason I can’t get out! He is the “behind closed doors, type of person”! No one would believe me if I did tell my darkest secret! But when is enough?!?! Hopefully soon! I mean it this time! I have got to get myself together and make it through this! I don’t owe it to myself but I owe it to my kids! They don’t have the choice, but I do!

    1. Hi, Brooke:

      Your husband can still be a good father, whether you stay or not. Your son is going to respond however he will, whether you stay or not. Even if he becomes angrier with you, that’s the trade-off you might have to deal with. None of this is easy, but you have to be able to take care of yourself. You deserve to have peace and to stay on your own feet. It’s better for your children to have peace in a one-parent household than to live in one filled with tension and abuse with two. When you feel ready, talk to someone about how you’re feeling and the difficulties of your guilt, clergy or a therapist. You need a listening ear that can help. All the best, okay? We all understand on here, and we all feel you. We support you!

  55. I am 32 and was diagnosed with cancer almost 2 years ago. My husband is no longer nice. Is is emotionally abuse and has changed from the person he used to be. Our daughter started picking up on how he treats me and now has started to bully me if he’s home. It’s too much. I hate who he has become and am upset that my daughter sees and is picking up on it. I haven’t been able to work since my diagnosis and don’t know how to leave him 😢

  56. I have been married 21 years. I feel more alone now than before we married. He doesn’t touch me or initiate intimacy. He says it’s my fault. I become very angry because physical and emaotional needs aren’t met. I feel extremely sad and alone a lot of the time. but My Husband is a serious Covert narcissist. Very smug and reserved. He is a deep Saddist. We have seen a marriage councilor for last 4 years that was the absolute best! We were working on the marriage and making steps. The last meeting with the councilor, he suggest I get a job to help out because my Husband suggested it so we could catch up on bills. husbands business wasn’t going so well. I didn’t want to do it but I did get a job. Before we could see the Marriage councilor again, the councilor died. I am devestated!!! I worked the job 1 day because the second day I couldn’t stop crying. I feel I’m living a hopeless life. I love my husband but don’t get that affection back. I feel depleted since I don’t have the councilor anymore. I can’t move forward or backwards, but at least reading the post here I don’t feel so alone. Reading this is helping me deal with this loss. I also feel like the marriage is over because we are really going at each other now. Just thank you to who all have put their stories here. It is helping people get through this life.

  57. I discovered I was living a lie as soon as I became ill with oxygen issues etc. I guess I was deemed worthless to the spouse after my body went down. It’s disheartening when your spouse refuses to put you on the health insurance. There are a million things I go through unmentioned, but I will survive. I can still move around but with limitations. My kids are grown. I really want to move on my own, focus on me til I get where I need to be.

  58. While I’m more scared of the impact this will have on my son I do worry about the money but, figured something will work out. I winder if we can reclaim my late husbands social security I was getting before I married this man who does nothing but, make me feel like I’m nothing.

  59. I am 32, been married 4 years and have 2 boys (2 and 6 months). My husband is not the man I married and he has become verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. He cannot control his rage when he gets angry and I feel like there is just nothing left to do but leave…. but I am a stay at home mom and don’t know where to turn. He knows he holds money over my head so I won’t leave. I don’t even know how I could afford a babysitter to work. I don’t have a college degree and was only a Nanny before having kids. My mother in law has encouraged me to open my own bank account and not tell my husband (her son) about it. I have come to the conclusion after many years of suffering his many forms of abuse that he is just not a nice person and he is not well mentally. It’s really a hard decision to make to take our children and leave and to make steps towards breaking our family apart… but I also feel like I am not the one making that decision… he is by his inability to control himself and his awful actions and words.

  60. I can’t take my husbands psychological and emotional abuse anymore.. And financial he controls everything he even bought our home and put it in his brothers name.. I’m 51 very little work history.. I have no money or access to it.. he gives my money in an envelope each week and monitors every penny of it.. we are going on 29 years of marriage I have severe depression ptsd nightmares and I’m traumatised by him.. Yes he plays the victim.. I have no one.. no family or friends.. My dL is exspired because of my mental state. I get suicidal but I won’t do it.. I figure my health will just deteriorate.. He eats and sleeps like a baby.. he has no empathy.. a total self absorbed lying naricissit.. He tells everyone I’m crazy and has destroyed my life and reputation.. I don’t think healing is possible at this point.. I’m scared to death about my future and how I will support myself and live.. I’m so hopeless.. His words cut through my soul.. I don’t know what to do.. where to go.. I’m so afraid and he uses abandonment to abuse me too.. How could a human being hurt another so bad? I don’t understand.. I’m scared to be alone I’m not sure how to handle it.. PAIN

    1. I’m in exactly same situation if you found any resources please please let me know. I have no job and he takes my car everyday. So no way to even get job

  61. After 30 years of marriage, I’m done! I’m tired of being told, every day of my life, “how much I cost”, “how being bipolar is an excuse” trapped in a 2 bedroom house every day, no medication, no friends, isolated. I feel worthless. I have nothing, absolutely nothing. My children have “their own lives and problems”. I have physical problems, but don’t qualify for assistance. Husband won’t give me $ to getmy drivers license. OMG! Look at how I sound. There are so many worse off than me. At least the physical abuse has ended. (But it’s always lurking) There is something wrong with me. I have no where to go and no way to get there. I live 30 miles from the city. I try to save $, but I have nothing to sell. I can’t clean houses. That’s why I’m stuck here. That’s why I stay. I just don’t want other women to end up like me, that’s all.

  62. Thank you for being here, and for sharing your story. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to want to leave your husband – especially if he’s hurtful or even abusive – but feel trapped because you have no money, resources, or help.

    But, I do know what it’s like to feel helpless, lonely, and hopeless. It was a hard and scary place to be. I’m sorry you’re going through this marriage, and that you’re struggling.

    I keep thinking of this article I wrote a few weeks ago:
    How to Get Out of the Rut You’re Stuck In

    Maybe it’ll help you consider different possibilities or options. The most important thing to remember is that you aren’t as alone as you feel. There are people who can help you — it’s just that you haven’t found them yet! Don’t give up, don’t lose faith in God. Keep moving forward, and trusting that you will come through this.

    A brighter future awaits…but you may have to walk through a dark valley first. Stick with us, here at She Blossoms! Join our weekly Blossom Tips newsletter – you’ll find encouragement and inspiration to keep moving. Here’s the sign up link:



  63. I want to leave too. I have 2 kids(4yr,10months) and nowhere to go. I already asked my family for help but they can’t. I did get a part time job. But he literally takes my whole paycheck. I don’t know what he does with it because he makes very good money and can afford everything by himself. I feel trapped, defeated and helpless. He doesn’t even acknowledge the kids, it’s like their an inconvenience and when he does he is always yelling at them and me. I’m always walking on egg shells I never know what mood he will be in when he gets home. Comes and goes as he pleases. I can’t, I rarely leave the house. I never have the money to go do anything, and if I did he would purposely leave the car on empty. Then that would be my big adventure for the day going to the gas station lol. My life’s pathetic. Very controlling and I’m sick of it. I feel like I’m settling because I don’t see a way out of this verbally abusive relationship.

  64. I can’t leave because she said I would never see my kids and crush me in Child Support. There is literally nothing I can do

    1. Mike, I’m really sorry. I know that men go through marital hardships, too. About seeing your kids and child support, that’s what our legal system is for. You have rights as a parent to see your children, so be ready to fight for them. Also, find out from legal aid (if money is an issue) or an attorney how child support works in your state in regards to your income, so you can know what’s fair regarding your kids’ financial care.

  65. My husband is a liar narcissistic pig and I have 2 children one is special needs and he doesn’t treat our children good

  66. Barbara Hackley

    ?I am turning 65 in July and I have been in a relationship Marriage. My husband is a parasitic jerk and I am a convenience to him, I don’t believe that he loves me. HE IS A USER and I pay the bills. I Want Out!

  67. I am 31 yrs old and have been married for 12 yrs. I have 3 children. My husband is jealous, controlling, a pathological liar, bipolar, etc. He refuses to take medication. He is emotionally abusive. He is physically abusive if I even mention leaving. I have tried counseling, drs, preachers, everything. He sold my car so I have no transportation. I am a stay-at-home mom. I have no access to money. My phone is not reliable. I literally have no help and no where to go. I feel like my situation is pretty bleak. I feel like I will never get away.

    1. My God, Nicole! Do you have any family you can e-mail? For the love of God, please don’t tell this man when you want to leave. Is there anyone who can help? You may have to quietly, carefully pack any important papers you have in a suitcase you can hide, with a few days’ wearing for you and your children, so you can escape. You may have to call the police to escort all of you out and to a shelter or family member’s home. Your situation is dangerous and extreme, so your departure will have to be fast. You cannot leave any clue about your getting out of there with your kids. When he goes to work is when you need to be gone. If you have to pick the kids up from school, then do it. You simply may not have any other option. The most important thing is for you to get yourself and your children somewhere safe.

  68. I’ve been with my husband since I was 17. I’m 38 now. When I was 34ish, I fell in love with another woman. My husband wanted to try and make our marriage work after the dust settled from that. I feel awful because everyone on here is talking about how awful their husbands are and while mine is far from perfect, he is a good man. I just can’t…be straight anymore. I’ve always been attracted to other woman. But I was in denial until I fell in love with that woman. I was raised in a super strict Baptist home and the shame I carried around…I cannot even begin to describe. When I met my future husband, I felt zero attraction for him, but I saw that he was a good person and that he was truly in love with me. I figured that was all I would ever need. But now…all I want is to be with another woman. I cringe when he touches me. It’s not fair to him but I don’t know what to do. I’m the bad guy. I have 4 kids. I volunteer at their Christian school everyday. It’s going to be beyond devastating to my family if I ever come out. I don’t want to hurt anyone so I stay quiet. But it’s getting harder and harder. I have no one to turn to for help.

    1. Hi, Casey:
      Do you have any access to LGBQTIA organization information in your community? Please see if you can locate some of these groups to help online. If you don’t have access to a computer at home, then try your nearest library. I’m sure they’ll have support for you. I hope this helps.

    2. I know a few women who although they are attracted to women choose to marry men. One is a huge advocate for doing marriage Gods way. She is also in a group with like-minded people. I don’t know how many of them married, But as I understand it all would eventually like to. Maybe if you found a group like this one with lgbt Christians dedicated to living Gods way it would be helpful to you and your family. Or at least help you in your decision. Divorce is devastating to the family, kids, and finances. Personally, I think it should be avoided if possible.

  69. My husband is an alcoholic, he admits it like he’s proud of it. I know the relationship is not good and have known for a while now but I’m honestly scared to leave. Not physically but emotionally and financially. He has broken me down to the point where I feel worthless. I told my mom I was gonna leave as soon as I save up money and she looked right at me and said no you won’t, she doesn’t believe me cause I’ve been saying this for years. I feel so alone and scared. I have severe student loan debt, a car payment which of course he is the main signer on, and some other bills… I’m not perfect by any means but I know deep down that I don’t deserve to be treated like a child, I’m 43 years old not 10. I’m currently working as a bartender which no paper trail of tips so can’t claim that as income so I’m gonna start looking for a factory job again I guess… Wish me luck please

    1. Loralee, hi. I’m so sorry about your situation. Even if you can’t claim income for your job, can your boss maybe give you a reference? That could help if you have a resume, so you can put down how long you’ve been a bartender. It’s hard to break away from a marriage you’ve been in for years, but it can be done. I’m going through the same thing too, but I had to realize that I have to find some more money some kind of way. I don’t make a lot of it myself, just being a caregiver. Still, if you use a computer, maybe you can get a job online. I’m going through an application process right now for a transcription job. It’s not a lot of money, but it will help if I can get it. The job I’m applying for is only part-time and the work goes up and down, but it’ll pay every week and it’ll be some kind of money in the pocket. I found it on Rat Race Rebellion. It’s a site that checks out legitimate work-from-home jobs. There are lots of different ones. I hope this helps!

      1. Thank you I will check into your suggestions… Weekend was horrible, he was supposed to pick my daughter up from work Saturday at 2 but instead got drunk and was passed out. I had to scramble around to try and find a way for her to get home… I was so mad. Now today he was being sweet as pie go figure. Just so frustrated right now.

        1. Oh…I know that drill. Doesn’t that crap just piss you off royally? He knows he screwed up, that’s why he’s being all sweet. I don’t know your husband, but I do know that behavior. It IS frustrating, dealing with that. Keep your head up, Loralee. When you have time, please check out that site, Rat Race Rebellion. They have some good stuff and advice on there. Is going back to school an option, online, maybe? I finished my degree on there, and now I’m just trying to match it up with some volunteer experience. That’s all I have wiggle room for, but I believe it’ll help me down the road. I’m grabbing at whatever straws can pull me forward because I want to be out of here by July! Keep at it, okay? Even if you have to do it bit by bit. I’m pulling for you, Loralee!:)

    2. Hey I feel like I’m in the same boat…I am on a limited income due to disability..and have been trying to find help either just a support system hopefully I’ll b able to find someone to share expenses with …I know and have known for a long time but I feel so trapped and scared….I need help too…

  70. “If I only knew then what I know now,” is the story of my life. I have been with my husband now for 35 years and it has always been about him. It took my nearly 30 years to figure out that if I had loved myself when I was a young woman, I wouldn’t still be chained to the narcissistic alcoholic that I am married to. I am no more than a shell now and have allowed my to grow ugly from the inside out. I have no job, no money, no friends and no life. I used to be strong willed and could handle the manipulative bastard’s abuse, but now my health is so poor that most times I give up because I have no fight left. The advice given sounds good on paper, but in practice it’s hard to squirrel away money when the breadwinner goes on spending sprees due to his bi-polar, and spends it on beer which he drinks likes a fish. He guzzles beer like its water. lol (If I don’t laugh ladies, I’d be drowning in my tears.) My sense of humor is one of the things I have left. My self worth is long gone and my self-esteem left with it. A few years ago after reading a blog on this very subject, I gathered enough strength to start planning, but the manipulative bastard stole my thunder by screwing up the bills which I had to fix, and for the icing on the cake he stopped taking his psych meds. This is a manipulation tactic that he has used for years to get me to focus on him,(which by the way, always works.) I once more placed myself and my needs on the back burner. I’m mad at myself for not being able to find the strength to fight.

    Reading through the comments I’ve discovered that as we do not give themselves enough credit ladies. It is through inspiration from others that we gain our strength. You know what…I’m going to pull myself up by the boot straps once more, and begin to plan my escape from this hellish marriage. If I fall down, I’ll just return to ‘Love Blossoms’ for a shot of courage. Ladies, we need to stick together even if just for a few kind words, or a shot of encouragement. I wish everyone the best on their journey to freedom and happiness. And thank you Laurie for sharing your knowledge and offering your compassion. Peace, Love, & Understanding.

    1. I’ll do it again as well. Since you are. We can do it one more time, because this time we’re not going to cave for any reason.

    1. Hi Lisa I feel for you I used to live in Florida but im in Texas now.I am in a bind as well but I hope you find a good support system.I opened a bank account and started saving a few dollars a week.

      1. Dealing with the same thing here recently started saving as much as I can. Some days I feel as if it is taking forever and I lose confidence but I remind myself that I know WE can all do this!!! The greatest support is the support of someone who has stood in the same shoes as you and made it through!!

    2. I also live in Florida but in a small town which you can guess is impossible to get help in small towns and I can’t work because I have 4 small children.

  71. I need encouragement to leave my husband is there any sites where i Can talk to women who have been in My postiton. I only ask for My 3 children.

    1. Hi, Candrettie:

      Look up “women crisis centers”. There are usually safe places in every major city. I hope this helps.

  72. I don’t know what to do!? I’ve been married 12yrs and everything was great in the beginning.. I just never knew what a lier my husband was and once I found out its been so tough! I have tried everything and the losing ,the stories etc, its getting so overwhelming I just can’t take it Anymore! I deserve love, happiness,trust,honesty,etc,etc! I just don’t know what to do anymore! Help!!

    1. I’m going through it too, Chris, so I definitely feel your pain. First thing: Do you work? Get ANY financial resources you can scrape up to hide for yourself. Can you live with a family member or a friend until you can get on your feet? Check in your area for resources for women-a crisis center, even social services. I hope this gives you something as a start to work with. All the best!

    2. Hi Chris im so sorry try to be encouraged, joy comes in the you have a good support system? Please find one to help you cope i know its not stuck as well but im trying to stay encouraged.

  73. My situation is almost the same. Iam 26 years old and ive been with my husband since i was 17 it never was easy now that i look back on it. It was all about controling meh. Last summer i left with the kids i was fine until he called meh talking bout how much hes grown and he wants to start freash…lol that was funny cuz here i am now with no job no education. I think thats the way he wants it.i am hurt inside…i donno kno what to do hes has the car the house all in his name.

    1. Hi, Anaya:

      I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It’s not easy to just up and leave, I know. I’m in the same situation. Do you have any access to money at all? What about services for women in your area? For me, I just put away whatever few dollars here and there I can get. Every little bit helps when you’re starting from nothing. Really consider even the smallest ways you can scrape up some money to save. Even if it’s a handful of dollars after you go grocery shopping. Women in our situations have to figure out how to be really creative. Good luck to you, okay? I hope some of this helps, even a little.

    2. Ive been through this with my ex husband. It was hard gettinf out but I luckily made it out. I had to start over, everything was in his name but I was glad everything was in his name. It left the financial responsibilities behind on him and I canstart over and get a more affordabke in my name. It took me about a year of planning thatni kept to myself since my husband was a alcoholic i thought sharing my thoughts would only make things worst and he might get physical. Just know it’s going to be hard the first couple of months or even yrs when youre on your own but trust me you will emotionally feel so free and happy and realize you were worth much more. Just remember it actually is greener on the other side haha. Good Luck!

  74. I’m confused though about the advice to start your own bank account to put money away. Once you finally get divorced wouldn’t you have to report that account and then he would be somewhat entitled to it as a shared asset that was made while together? I’m a stay at home mom and I do have a job but it really doesn’t pay a ton and everything I make goes to bills. My husband had refuses to look for a job. He has a gambling problem and lost 2k in the last week. He believes he can provide for the family solely through gambling. At this point I’m ready to leave. But his gambling has completely ruined my credit, to the point where when he tried to add me to what was suppose to be our joint account the bank refused me. We only have one car. So it really would take a lot of work for me to leave. The gambling is really our only issue but i’m just tired of living like this and don’t want to spend the rest of my life worrying about if we will have enough money for things. Also the fact that he isn’t trying to make sure our kids have a good life is enough for me to be done. I have a plan to continue with these circumstances until my youngest is in school, which is in 4 years. By then if I can manage to get my own account than if I did $100 a month in that account over the 4 years that could really add up and be a great start to my and my kids future without him. But at that rate I don’t know if it would be better to just hide the money in the home so that he would never have access to it and I wouldn’t have to make him aware that the money ever existed during the divorce

    1. Hi, Michelle:

      I understand what you mean, but can you hide the money you save? I just bought a book safe with a key. It looks like a dictionary and it’s simple to use. There are different ones and you can get them places like from Walmart, Target, Office Depot. I’m sure they have them on Amazon too. I just keep mine in a box with my personal books, which my husband doesn’t touch, and he has no idea. Even if you don’t use one of those, think of ways to tuck money away in hard-to-find places your husband doesn’t explore. You gotta do what you gotta do.

  75. Ok so for the most amount of our relationship, I completely was financially independent. I made sure of it, because this has always been an abusive relationship: power games, control, sporadic violence, even before the kids. I feel daft saying it but there it is. There’s quite an age difference between us, for many years I felt under his spell. I was making plans to end our relationship when I found out I was pregnant with my oldest (son). So “we” made a go of things living together (we never had before). It didn’t work out, I left, thankfully I had kept hold of and subletted my rented flat and I had somewhere to go. He worked his way back in, we got back together, he moved in, I found out I was pregnant again. I gave up my flat, we got a bigger place (all the while he kept hold of his flat btw). I struggled, terribly, with the two kids, we were running a business together by that point (I’d given up my financial independence) and boy did he enjoy that control. I lost it for a while, really became badly depressed, pulled myself out of it. We moved in with my mum to help out with my dad who had dementia, but my other half sabotaged it, he left, and eventually I did too, got my own house, he never joined me. I was fully independent. I had left him. I started to move on with my life, started dating. Things were looking up. Somehow, and as I look back now, and realise how stupid I was, I let him work his way back in again. He moved in with me and we got married. At this point, I became financially dependent on him as he encouraged me to give up work, and I did. We ended up getting a great opportunity to move abroad, and for two years, things were ok. We lived on a beautiful little island in the middle of the Carribean, things looked like they were finally working out, we had glitches, and the odd violent episode, but I was ok, he was ok. Then I found out I was pregnant again, he didn’t want me to keep it, but he didn’t want me to terminate either, not on the island anyway. So i returned home to terminate, and found out then that my dad was dying. I couldn’t do it. I returned, still pregnant, but with plans to go back home with the kids, and got back in time for my father’s death, and have been back home ever since. Financially dependent, sure. He was far away. we didn’t talk much, made vague plans to return. Then, Christmas just gone, he has lost his job and he’s back home, angry, volatile, uncaring, unloving. And today, he attacked me (I give birth in 4 weeks), well actually he didn’t get a chance to get to me, because i made it to my car in time and locked the doors, so he just trashed my car instead, right in broad daylight in the middle of the street. I got away with my windscreen wipers dangling and my wing mirror damaged. Someone had seen this all happen, and called the police, so I heard from his mother. I’m back at my mum’s again (where I’ve been staying since I returned) and although I have no money, nothing for this new baby, a lifetime of shattered dreams and extreme exhaustion from this volatile, shameful relationship, I know I’m going to find a way and move forward, get a career and get life back on track. I have to for my kids. I’m trying to process right now the last 15 years of my life, and how I’ve ended up, in my mid thirties, in this situation. I know I have to keep going forward and this time not look back. I have to get him out of my head. I don’t know how I let myself get manipulated by him. I’ve just tucked my kids in bed, my mum helped me carry my daughter up the stairs, and they went to sleep with smiles on their faces. They have had more stability in the past three months at my mum’s than ever before. There’s always been the underlying simmering tensions of the volatility of our relationship, the unlit torchpaper just waiting for its spark. These past three months, it was never lit, not once. They’ve come out of their shells, are doing great at school, their behaviour is amazing. I can’t and won’t throw them back into the uncertainty of this volatile relationship. This child in my belly will never know it. I need to make sure that I break free this time for good. It’s going to take strength, determination, sheer bloody hard work, but I will get there.

  76. I am in a similar situation right now. I have a separate bank account however, the area in which I live, there are no jobs. I am 46. My only child is grown. I have no money to leave. What little money I make guess to my car payment. Without that, I would be without the part time job I have( cleaning houses). My husband has no desire to do better. I live in utter filth. He gets a social security check in which he canceled his medicaid. There fore, he has to know pay medicare priemums. He turned down Habitat For Humanity to fix the house. He bails his 38 year old method affected daughter out of jail, pays her fines, loans his other grown working children money, signs loans, borrows money from his 90 year old mother ,then duns my son and myself for money to pay bills. 17 years of this. He also has a drinking issue. There is nothing I can do because I don’t have the money. Oh, I’m looking. So any advice will never greatly appreciated.

    1. “My husband has no desire to do better.” Judy, I feel your pain. I am so sorry for what you’re going through. It is the exact same with me: a husband who’s comfortable with being a failure. He has low esteem, and he never even tried to work on it. Like you, I’m scraping up money here and there where I can so I can get our son and myself out of here. Keep doing what you’re doing, Judy. Keep working and keep saving. It does all add up. Every little bit helps. Also, think about your skills. What can you do now that might help you to make more money? This is something I’m wrestling with too. Do you have friends who you can babysit for? Walk a neighbor’s dog? Do you have anything of value you can sell? Do you have any skills for making things? Can you do a little more at your current job to pick up a couple more hours, maybe? I know how tough it is just trying to navigate with your hardships, but working at it. Something might pop up that you haven’t yet considered. Hang in there, okay? I hope this helps. All the best!

  77. I decided to write because as a single young mom I have learned that it’s not easy to raise a son, but I want to try my hardest to make sure I will be able to raise a man. It’s scary knowing that eventually I do have to leave my boyfriend because I am just not being treated correctly. I am constantly being verbally abused, he constantly tells me I am not good enough little by little he hasn’t eaten away at my own self-esteem and I know that is not ok. I am only 23 years old, I graduated from a university and shortly after I found out I was pregnant. I then realized I was in an abusive relationship, but I can’t support myself because I don’t have enough money and no help for babysitting. It’s hard to leave my boyfriend because I am scared of the unknown, he takes care of all the bills and feels like because he pays for everything that I am not worthy of having any say in our family. Meanwhile I take care of our son, he doesn’t even have to change a diaper and if he does he complains. I waitress on weekends to pay for my own car and bills and I still get told that I am a nobody. I know this is an unhealthy realtionship and the only reason I am hear is because of comfort and I do love him, I just don’t feel the love in return. My question is what made you do that leap of faith in starting to prepare for the life you see you can have? I see a life with no stress, no anxiety and being loved unconditionally by myself because I deserve to love myself once again.

    1. Hi, Natalie. My heart goes out to you. What is your degree in? When my son was little, I worked in a daycare, and that really helped with babysitting. Maybe that’s something worth trying? Even a few hours a week might help. Take a little time to sit and make a list of things you need to do to leave. I know for me, this really helped me work through those unknowns. It’s a good way to mentally take back some of that personal control and ease those fears a bit. I’m inching along myself, but every time I meet another goal on my list, I feel more confident. Stronger. It feels more possible that I can really leave this year. Maybe think about looking into public housing for you and your son. It’s a place to start while you figure out your next move forward. Maybe you can look into what the criteria is for eligibility. Also, check with your state’s workforce commission. They might have childcare assistance programs that can help. All the best, okay?

    2. Please don’t stay. I have been in this type of relationship for almost 40years. I believed I was unworthy. I believed he had the right to be boss and to control me. Don’t do the same. You land up feeling useless and depressed. He will cut you off from your family and friends. Please you are so worthy of much more and so is your son. Don’t let him see what his dad does to you because eventually he will do the same because you let his father do it. And he will learn that you aren’t deserving but you are.

  78. Oh…my…God. So many women on here are in the same boat as me. I’m 50-years-old, and I am living in a 23-year-long marriage built on never-ending financial poverty, social stagnation, and perpetual emotional depletion and frustration. For my part, I tried so long to find full-time, steady work around work and school schedules, but it is SO difficult when you never have the money to keep a car on the road and live in a city that’s more spread out than its bus service can really handle. It’s so stressful trying to line up trips for employment. My husband used to work at night and that worked for years, but the companies he worked for started cutting night shifts, and that really put me in a bind with finding work because I had to be at home for our son-who has autism, ADHD and developmental disability. I’ve had to turn jobs down because we didn’t have a car or the bus just didn’t go by the area. I’ve also noticed that once I turn 40, it was as if I became invisible. When I spoke with a state workforce commission representative, and had her comb over my resume several times over the years, she just told me point-blank, “Mrs. Paula, ageism is real, and I think that’s what you’re coming up against. I’m 45, and it took me a very long time to find this job. With your skills, you should be working, but that is our reality too often at this age.” It took me over 20 years, but I finally finished my college education online. I haven’t worked since 2008, I’ve had zero contact back about interviews, and now I have OA in my knees that’s severe enough to keep me from even being able to walk to the bus stop. I can’t stay on my feet for more than 10 stretches without having excruciating knee/feet/ankle pains.

    My husband: His self-esteem is so low that he admits that he’s a failure-and he’s completely comfortable living with it, while doing absolutely nothing about it. For around 14 years, I tried to sit and talk to my husband about how we can change our lives for the better, only to be met with nonverbal passive-aggressive behavior or else I was just blatantly ignored altogether. He just adopts this cool, flippant tone and says, “Well, if I lived on my own, I would happy with what I make (mind you, after working throughout our marriage, he doesn’t make $30,000). If we need anything, my family can help.” That decision has been the bane of our marriage, and I have been trying to escape it ever since. I have no money and no family who can help me. I’ve tried to get on housing, but I recently found out that the waiting list is 3-5 years.

    Around 2008, I gave up trying to talk to my husband and just started focusing on trying to finish my college education. I had 2 years completed. I finally finished, but I swear no one will hire me. I shifted gears mentally, and am trying to see if I can just work online from home because of this. I’m now working on my certification for ESL, and I’m scraping up and saving what I can where I can. It’s so much harder because my husband is very sick now, and when he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid. What’s happening is that we’re now worse off than we were when we first married! So, it’s way harder now to save up anything, but I’m trying. I really trying. I fight to stick to the date August 2018 because on that date, I’m out of here. I get money from the state for our son. It’s so little, but it will have to do. Our lease for our apartment is up next year on July 31st, and I’ve always decided that I will NOT be applying for another year. I can’t take it anymore. It’s affecting my emotional health, draining me spiritually, and I’m starting to feel the stress in my body from dealing with all this. There’s more to tell, but I know I’m not the only one with problems here. I don’t want to take up too much more time. Just typing all this really does help because I got it all out! Thank you all so much, ladies and gentlemen, who are also struggling to leave. And many thanks to She Blossoms for having this forum.

    1. Paula, I’m the same age and have been married the same number of years!

      I’ve told my husband it’s over and that I will no longer be living with him as his wife. But we have 9 kids together, 5 still at home, and so we’re coexisting in the same house, and it’s hard. I’ve worked from home doing medical transcription for the past 10 years so I could be here for the kids, but it’s part-time, and I have to pay for all the extras for the kids (plus hygiene items, etc), so it seems every time I get a little saved I have to take it out again. He has a decent job but is very tight with the money (gets it in cash and hides whatever’s left after bills). Whenever I mention getting a full-time job outside the home, he says it’s better for the kids if I’m here. I actually agree, but what I haven’t said to him is that I think it’s better for the kids if he’s NOT here.

      I know a lady who wanted to leave her husband and her dad asked her, “Does he support you and the kids? (Yes.) “Does he beat you or the kids?” (No.) “Then put your suitcase back in the car and go back home.”

      Unfortunately, that’s not enough for me. My husband is an alcoholic (not drinking for the time being but without counseling or support), and while he’s never hit me or the kids, he does have a violent temper, screaming, yelling, throwing things, just scary. Myself and almost all our kids suffer from anxiety. Our 19-year-old daughter has actually offered to help me financially to leave him if I need it.

      I think my next step might be to seek out a counselor for myself, and perhaps that person can help me to find other resources that might be beneficial to me and the kids. Meanwhile, I’m collecting coins. One dollar at a time is better than nothing.

      1. Hi, Laurie: “I know a lady who wanted to leave her husband and her dad asked her, “Does he support you and the kids? (Yes.) “Does he beat you or the kids?” (No.) “Then put your suitcase back in the car and go back home.”

        I hate when men have that blind spot about other men’s behavior. They just don’t (or don’t want to) get it. It makes me so mad! I know exactly what you mean. It shouldn’t be enough for you, and it’s outrageous for that poor woman’s father to tell her that it should be enough for her. Using a fist isn’t the only way to abuse someone and just because he supports her financially doesn’t mean she should just shut up and suck it up. I’m almost done with the first part of my certification program, and that’s the only thing that keeps me going some days. If I didn’t have that to focus on, I would be a mental mess right now. I need support myself, so I know where you’re coming from about that, too. By all means try every resource in your region that’s available; there’s has to be something out there for you. All the best, Laurie. Keep at it!

  79. My husband divorced me after 27 years, but we were separated for four years prior too. I was given a lump sum of money and the house, but I am not able to drive. He canceled the insurance on my car, when we were separated and I never knew it. So I drove around for a year and a half with no insurance. Now I can’t get a company to insure me. I have been getting around by Uber for basic needs. But you have to be able to drive to keep a house going and work. Help what do I do as I am sinking.

  80. My husband had an affair that lasted almost a year. I found out in May and am still not healing well. Then less then a month ago my Mom passed away. I know he loves me. But I’m no longer happy with my choices and need a break from everything and everyone. Is there any way to do this and decide later if I still want to leave? My Mom always said if I could financially provide for myself I’d be fine. And I’m starting to think that’s true. But o don’t want to be a hidden oh anyone else. How do I do this and how do I ask for advice if you can’t give any? Crazy confused. And depressed.

  81. Hi,

    I’m 37 years old, been married for 13 years with 2 kids. Having no family around, after my 1st child was born we came to the decision that I would have to stop working. My oldest is now 10 years old. This year I made the decision to go back college and follow my dream to be a nurse.

    Well, this year many things have happened. My husband was condemn for assault to a man and is now on probation. He swears he has nothing to do with this and he is innocent. Which I have my doubts. Then while this is going on I had my house searched and was put in my garage with my kids for 2 hours, they were looking for drugs. I was blindsided again, they got him with pills, nothing in my house. But I was told that if that was in my house they would’ve taken me. How could he do this to my kids and I? Put us in this situation? And writing this, how can I still be with him. Well, I’m with him because of my kids, because I feel bad mostly for my so. That is 7 and is crazy about his father.

    My husband and I haven’t had an intimate relationship for more than 1 year, because I am so disgusted at everything he put us thru, I don’t want him to even touch me.

    I haven’t left yet because of my kids, I don’t have a job. I am contemplating on driving for uber for a while so I can save some money, but I also now want to focus in my career and study, and maybe I’ll put up with this situation until I have my profession.

    Only today there was a huge blow up in front of my kids again, my husband being abusive, accusing me of things I’ve never done. Going back 10 years in the past and throwing everything on my face.

    He is sick. He needs metal help. Not even his sisters can put up with him because he is very abusive to them as well.

    I’m so done. But now it’s before Christmas and I don’t want to hurt my kids. My daughter cried to me today, she said she doesn’t like the way her dad treats me. She said she feels so bad when he is abusive to me. She actually used the word abusive, which was a shock to me.

    He was screaming and saying – You call me a drug dealer- which I didn’t do it. My kids thought he was calling me a drug dealer. It was terrible. And I can’t even dream about telling the kids what he has done. He is in the process of being judged . Might go to jail, and I have to hide everything from them.

    I’m so upset,so done, and not sure what to go from here. My family leaves in another country.

    1. Sounds a lot like my story. 13 years together, we have a 10 year old, I have my LVN but can’t find a day job, and I have a narcissist, tempramental, cheater for a husband. I feel confidant that one day I will be free from this relationship/life and can make a good life for myself and my kid. Good luck to you! Have confidence for your kids to do what is best long term.

    2. Hi, Can you get in touch with any crisis centers in your area? They can help, and be a safe place away from the abuse for you and your kids. Good luck!

  82. Hello lady’s I am in the same situation and I’m looking for someone to talk or place to go I’m really sure and decide to be free to live a normal life like any other person in this world. If we the woman’s can talk and support each other with talking, money, just listening, or any other way why not help or not share your experience to help others woman’s??? It is free to talk and listen other people why not? Sorry for my English but I try my best, I think the language or the nationality is not a problem or inconvenience in this case because the pain each day is the same in every abused woman.please women share more your experience, help more each other, is so easy to judge this days. I’m young woman and I am been abused in so many ways, I olso know that I am a strong woman with no bad habits, discipline and I trust in God. I’m not saying I’m the best person in the world or better then others, or judging others. Every woman came to this world to be happy because we are the Creator of the wonderful baby’s by the grace of God. Just the fact that we are women’s we have a lot of obstacles in this life but in the same time God gave us a wonderful gift of many blessings things that only woman’s can do.Women’s think about this words from a young lady who are lonely in this country and barely know English. If I can dream to be happy one day you can do it

  83. Thank you so much for this article. I’ve been married 25 years and I just know now it’s time to go. But I have no family no friends or money at this point. We were homeless for awhile and all my family has passed away. Friends he kept me away from so at this point in lost. We have a truck in his name, he makes 2 times as me and he always reminds me. I couldn’t even get to work without his truck. I rode the bus for 2 years which I’m fine with but where we live there isn’t a bus. So Idk know what or how? Advise for living with my daughter who is 16 would be great. I’m a hard worker and I know I can do this….juzt trying to stash money if possible. 3 dollars so far lol …just started today

    1. Good for you. 3 dollars is 3 dollars closer to your goal. Every penny adds up. I don’t have any advice,except to not give up. I sincerely hope you the very best. You can do It. There is no force greater than a determined woman.

    2. Michelle, you & I are in the exact same boat, almost. 23 years married, kids grown, one grandson I am helping to raise. Lost my job (reduce in force), everything in his name. I am 46. I have one sister, that’s it. She has just divorced, starting over herself. All of the other family we had are deceased. I need to leave. I’ve left before but he finds me & makes me go back home. I have no savings, lived paycheck to paycheck. He has 4 vehicles, let’s me drive his truck only to work, when I had my job. I am not in good health. No heath insurance. He is resentful to me since I lost my benefits.i just found out his has a girlfriend. My mind is gone. I wish there was a broken wife’s club so we could all help each other. Sounds corny, but I don’t know anyone like me, I am isolated. I would jump to help someone like me if I knew I could help. Maybe not financially, but help in other ways; baby sitting, food, I would give what I could & maybe get help also.

      1. Wow. Ditto to everything you said here. My heart goes out to all of us. It seems here that I’m not alone in my struggle, and I wish I had answers for all of us. This article was great and uplifting. Glad we read it. We’ll do this. How I don’t know. But we will.

        1. Where where do you live Kay I live in Dallas I’m 10 years older than you but I feel you. I to suffer from terrible loneliness and not in good health and scared to death. I try not to focus on the future too much and live in the present but it’s very very hard. I currently do not have a job and have not had one in 20 years and I’m way out of touch with today’s new skills so I have to find money to even put myself through some kind of schooling in order to get a decent job. The job offers that I have gotten our part-time and do not offer benefits and I greatly need benefits. I would love to grow old with someone. Even if I never find love again which I hope I do I hope to find great friends that I have things in common with I imagine living like The Golden Girls but I know that’s just a TV show. I know though that there are so many lonely Noli people out there like us I was reading an article the other day about an epidemic with Millennials and loneliness. I love this site and the fact that I’m not alone going through this helps.

    3. I applaud you, Michelle! Like Me said, 3 dollars is 3 dollars closer to your goal. See if you can get in touch with a crisis center in your area. They will NOT tell your husband where you are. They can help with shelter for you and your children. Another way to put a little money aside. Does your husband give you cash for groceries or anything like that? If there’s change, put that aside too, even if is just $1.00. Check inside couch cushions, if you have to (I’m serious. I’ve gotten change from the vacuum cleaner!). Pocket any change that falls out of laundry in the machine or after clothes are dry. I see loose pennies and nickels around here, I scoop them up and put them in a change can. It all adds up, coin by coin. I think it’ll help to keep building a small cushion for yourself. You work, and that’s good. If possible, put aside $10-20 dollars every paycheck. If you can do that, then look into opening a free checking account online. Going paperless means no account paperwork coming to your home. You can put money in when you go to work. I hope this helps, I really do. You already have a plan of account, saving some money, and that’s a great start. You can do this!

  84. What if you are a man in an abusive relationship? Straight or gay? Women’s shelters are not an option for us and men’s shelters are frequently not safe?

    1. I know that there is a man’s tha are suffering from a abused and toxic relationship please don’t fell like your the only person in this world who is been abused for a woman because even a woman who is being abused for a man have to recognize that there’s a man’s who are good people and living with a bad woman
      Sorry for English, I hope you understand me

        1. Your welcome!! Is wonderful for me to be a little help for you just by reading and giving my opinion to you!! I don’t judge nobody and if you need to be listen I’m here for you or anibody, I hope you be stronger every day!!

          1. I commented on here months ago, in an emotionally and physically abusive marriage. I had convinced myself i couldnt make it on my own so fear kept ne in my marriage. We have 3 young children and have been together over 10 years. In September he crossed a line that I knew there was no returning from after he choked me in front if our children. He is mentally unstable and thought choking me was funny, I was so scared but the next day I filed a PFA against him. It’s been 3 months I decided to drop the pfa only bc he is trying to get help with his phycological problems (everyone says I made a bad choice though) I have the children and he visits a few times a week. But I have never felt more happy and strong and I finally feel safe. It’s so hard bc I was a stay at home mom but I’m making it work and my kids told me they’ve never been happier. That makes it so worthwhile. Please try to plan an exit to get away from these people destroying your happiness, life is to short you deserve to live a free life. My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who is still stuck. If i ever cone into money i want to start an organization to help moms who have no means escape their painful marriages and start over because no one should ever feel stuck!

  85. This was a great article. This is life…right now except not only am I going with no money; I also have to declare bankruptcy. I feel I’m just existing. I know this is the right choice. Thank goodness my grown children are supporting me (and moving away with me) I’m 44 and not sure how I will declare bankruptcy as well as better my $14/ hr job. Need advice. Thanks.😊

  86. One other thing I meant to say is that before I did it – filed divorce- i prayed for so long for a miracle that God would help Me – I prayed for a miracle to work it out but it did not happen. Stuff started getting shut off in the house and the husband was making my son miserable.
    Just wanted to add that.

  87. Hello,

    I am commenting and I do not know why because I cannot find an answer. This has been going on so long.I have done so many things to get out but I do not believe I can unless I have a miracle. my sister and an associate both told me not pray for his “demise” because I was. I actually had a full-time job and I filed for divorce – 2nd time filing. My son was miserable. The husband was being so mean to me and told my son he could not have internet to play his games at his dads place. He makes about 4 times what I was making.i know that I was doing the right thing but I soon ran out of money between the lawyer and all the bills I had to pay in the house. But he was begging me to come back so I did because my son was miserable and I could not pay my bills . I don’t even believe before I filed that I thought my son’s life would change. All I thought of was getting out. I cannot take that- my son doesn’t deserve it. I just wish …’s so miserable. I even started tithing praying that God would bless me financially and that he would …… I don’t know send him to work in Alaska forever and my son and I would not have to see him again. I do not know what to do. And I do not want to lose my house. I’ve been living here for 15 years. Been married about 21 years. I have heard some people say they are truly blessed financially when tithing . I have heard people say that it took a year tithing. My Lord, I cannot wait that long.


    1. I can empathize with you on so many levels Keisha. I also prayed to God to lift my financial burden and become free. I can pray until Im blue in the face and nothing will happen I’ve even started doubting God which is bad i know but i just feel like he has forgotten about me. My best advise is to maybe look up some work from home jobs that’s what Im trying at the moment but be careful because there are lots of scammers out there. Start saving every penny and get far far away. Many blessings to you amd your son.

    2. Hi, Keisha:
      If you’re looking for work-from-home jobs, try the site Rat Race Rebellion. It’s free, and has a lot of job variety. They actually research these jobs, and you’ll recognize many of the companies that are listed.

  88. Great article with practical, real life advice. I have been in abusive relationship for many years. All my friends and family say I need to leave- as if it is just a matter of standing up for what is right. They don’t understand the logistics and reality.

  89. Anonymous,

    I’m sorry you’re going through such a terrible time with your husband. It sounds like it’s been so difficult for you, for such a long time. It also sounds like you’re waiting for God to show you the way. What do you mean by that – are you looking for a sign, or a miracle?

    What are you willing to do to change your life? I think you have more power, more strength, and more wisdom than you realize! I also think there’s more help out there than you know about. Reach out, reach up, reach sideways. You’ll find the help you need, the resources that will support you and get you to a new stage of life.

    I am sorry that life is so hard for you right now. My heart goes out to you, and I wish you weren’t going through this. But, my friend, there has to come a time when you take your life into your own hands and start making decisions that feed your soul and brighten your life.

    What do you think?


  90. Malia – Thank you for being here, and sharing your encouraging thoughts on leaving your husband when you have no money. You are starting over at 62 years old, and that is just amazing. I’m so proud of you, and I will keep you in my prayers!

    I love that you said this: “God WILL bless the work of my hands, as it says in Scripture, but if my hands refuse to do anything but wish for a million dollars, the Lord will not bless that.”

    You are inspiring and hard-working, and I know God will bless that. Have you signed up for my Blossom Tips newsletter? I really hope you — and everyone reading this — sign up today. I’d love to keep in touch, and help you Blossom into who God created you to be!

    Here’s the sign-up link:


    1. Thanks because that is exactly what I say PRAY don’t understand why I keep this denial up, God I do need help does anyone know whi to turn to if I get sick and die he get away with it ??

  91. I am 62 years old and I have been married to a narcissist verbally abusive man for 23 years. He is very controlling, pays no attention to me at all. He will not even look at me when Intalk to him. He makes me feel
    Like the most unattractive woman on the face of the earth. I have been irresponsible with money over the years as a way of giving myself temporary pleasure in this hellish environment. When the money ran out I started eating and now I am also fat. Fat and broke! I do not have a clue where to go, I have no money and no family to help me. I have thoughts of suicide often to escape this life and avoid being a burden on my son who is 36 and has MS. He is married with 2 kids so he doesn’t need me to burden him. I am so depressed and so unhappy. This man has taken my best years from me. He is also an alcoholic. He never drank before we got married and now it is almost daily. He gets very mean when he is drinking. I don’t know how
    much more of this I can take! I pray every day that God will show me the way. At 62 and with major back problems, I don’t have people clammoring to give me a job. I feel so hopeless.

    1. Damn, he has done a number on you. The ONE thing about this article is I don’t agree with it’s “tone”. If someone is physically abusing you, no matter what age, education, #of children – GET OUT – I wouldn’t even stick around to “earn money” bit by bit. They are dangerous to everyone around them. I worked for a DV Shelter; all ages, shapes and sizes – these people will help you in every way possible…someone will hire you.

  92. I feel so damaged and depleted and sick to my stomach every day. I have been married for 4 years and have been put through more abuse from a tremendously callous and narcissistic man that has zero empathy for not just me but anyone that crosses his path. I have a business that is also tied into his, without his referrals to my business i will probably sink. He drew up a prenup from hell that i gladly signed thinking that if i showed him that his house and his money was of no interest to me that when we married he might soften up and start treating me like the woman he said he loves. Not the case, the marriage has been verbally and emotionally abusive since day 1 and he has isolated me from all friends, bad mouthing anyone and everyone that i am friends with and that make me happy, one of his best tricks. He accuses me of sleeping with anyone that is male, he threatens to make my life miserable if and when i divorce him and he threatens to destroy my business as he has done to others that have crossed him in some way. I have sunk about $100,000 into “his” house and just read in my prenup that i am not entitled to any of that because of some complicated paragraph in the prenup that says what ever is put into the house in the marriage is not “community property”. I am terrified to leave even though I have saved enough money to survive a few months on my own. I have no family support as they told me not to marry him to begin with and my mom just had a stroke which she thinks might have been caused over all of the drama in my marriage. He has also threatened me with a very nasty and expensive divorce which i do not have money to hire a lawyer if i am to avoid living in a homeless shelter. I have 2 small dogs that are the only comfort i have and a shelter is not an option. I feel so trapped and alone and helpless emotionally! I know that this might all sound pathetic, why not just move out today!?? I ask myself this everyday! I think this abusive man has depleted all levels of self esteem in my already bankrupt concept of Self!

    1. Gail,

      This sounds horrible.!!! One thing I can say is that I do not think I will ever get marrried again. Listen one thing I can say that is completely miraculous is that you should start tithing. After I typed this today I had a huge argument with my husband and said a bunch of terrible stuff to him. I don’t think God wanted me to say that but I couldn’t help it. This husband is so mean. I do not even understand how a person could be so mean but he was abused as a child I know. Maybe the things I said about wishing I had never let him come back hit him. he was so depressed when I filed for divorce. I don’t know why. Sometimes I think he is crazy and has no soul so that is a shock to me. Anyway he gave me some money today and I paid tithes and offering on it. I did not expect that. And I needed it. I will tell you it has been very rough being married to him but it has been a little better . I pray and tithe …. pray that God will fix this SOMEHOW. I do not know how he will fix it but KEEP PRAYING and tithe and I’m sure God will fix it for you. I don’t know if it will happen right away. Can you ask for help from a friend, a church member.???

      Pray and ask God to help.

      God bless you and I am very sorry,

  93. Iam currently stuck in a marriage with a man who has temper problems, breaks things from time to time says hurtful things to me example:getting fat should start exercising, stupid,bitch,I spend all the money (witch is crazy) iam useless. When he gets into these fits my two daughters are scared and he will even go as far as telling them it’s mommies fault ,she’s the reason all this is happening. I hate him so much and I know me and my daughters would be way better off without all this hurtfullness hes addicted to pills and drinks and smokes pot ,he’s a bad influence in our lives but Iam so scared to leave what he might do ,how I would make it

    1. Dear Christine,

      I am so incredibly sorry that you are having to deal with such a horrible abuser! You are right, you all will be better off when you get away from him. Nobody deserves to be treated that way! I implore you to call the crisis help line in your area (use Google to find one), and tell them what is happening, and that you need to find the nearest women’s shelter. They can direct you to the right people who can help you and your daughters to escape and start to lead lives free from abuse and fear. If you cannot find a phone number, call your local police department and ask them. They should have a list of resources to share with you. Stay strong, do it for yourself and for your girls’ futures! Peace and love!

    2. This sounds exactly like my situation except no pills. I’ve wanted to leave for 7 years now except I am a stay at home mom.

  94. 33 years I’ve been married. I thought about leaving in 2009. We moved to an isolated rural area with the crash of 2008-9. For a new job he got. I haven’t worked since. I’ve been plagued by depression and illnesses. I do not love him. I feel very isolated and alone w/o friends. I feel stuck.
    Your article helped me sort out the confusion and put things ina step by step practical order.
    I will start this today.
    Much love and respect for your iron will. I will reread this many times I am sure.

  95. At 62 years old, I have made the decision to start planning on leaving. I love writing and I’m a good writer. I began a book several years ago but have only written maybe 20 pages. Tonight I have made my decision I will spend time every single day writing and finishing that book. When my book is finished I will self-publish through Kindle and Amazon. I made the Lord a promise that I will work on that book every single day, stop being a shopping addict and put what money I can away into a safe hiding spot. My way of dealing with this sociopath-relationship was to over-eat and spend money until there’s no money left in the account. I was previously married for many years and divorced in 1997. He passed away in 2003. Last year I found out I was eligible for widow’s benefits. My son, who is 39 years old is also eligible for survivors benefits because he is disabled. I receive $662 a month and he receives 311.00. It is possible that there are women out there who don’t know this and can be eligible for this kind of money…you have to check with Social Security. You know, God will honor faith and I know it’s so terribly difficult to have faith in anything when you’re facing a future that seems to be absolutely hopeless and helpless. I could beat myself up because I could have saved so much money all these 20 years living with this maniac, by paying myself an allowance every week from his account, that he gives me access to, to do the shopping and such, by saving whatever it was I took out for myself. But I spent it all instead and now I have absolutely nothing…no money to get out on my own. I have done everything my way all these years and I have nothing to show for it. Now it’s time to do things God’s way because He wants better for me than I wanted for myself. I have read many of these comments and my heart has gone out to them and all I could do was pray for them. But I will tell you again that God highly honors faith in his son Jesus Christ. Even if you have absolutely nothing but a prayer in your pocket, then take that prayer every day and pour your heart out to God and tell Him exactly what is going on with you and the help that you need. This will be your very first step with going forward and trusting that He will show you, as days go by, what you can do and how you can do it. Maybe the Lord will cross your path with someone who can help you or lead you to information that will give you help and hope. Maybe you are eligible for Widow’s benefits or your child, for the Survivors benefits. It is a start. If you are not eligible and you have nothing else to hold onto, you can hold on to Him. I have decided that I will no longer depend on this relationship for my happiness (it’s actually been a nightmare) but I will depend on the Lord for my health, my happiness, and my future. For the past week I have made a decision that I am going to get out of here on my own and be independent again. Since then, the Lord has been urging me every day about writing this book and finishing it. I am trusting that He will multiply my profits and bless me and who knows, this could easily be a start of other things He opens up for me as I trust Him every day and move forward. So many years have gone by and I always had this dream that God would miraculously dump this huge amount of money somehow into my lap that I could live on for the rest of my life so I could get away from this man. After listening to Andrew Wommack’s message called “Living in God’s Best” I realized why that is not gonna happen for me. God WILL bless the work of my hands, as it says in Scripture, but if my hands refuse to do anything but wish for a million dollars, the Lord will not bless that. Even if all I can do is begin to write every day, He will bless “the work of my hands” and through that, one day I will be able to walk out of here and support myself. For others, if all they can do right now is put those hands together and pray…as long as their heart goes out to God in faith asking Him for help and trusting that He will do that, He will bless those hands full of tears, and that is a start.

  96. I am glad I am not the only one. I have been married over 12 years and have lived with physical,emotional, and psychological abuse. Luckily no kids. My husband always made more money and had more money than me . We keep our accounts separate. I pay all my own bills etc. I don’t make alot but enough to get by. Certainly not enough to go get a place. My parents can’t help. I have seen two attorneys so far.Getting ready to schedule a 3rd meeting with one.My husband has bipolar narcissistic etc issues. You never know what you are coming home to. It is too expensive to live around here. Who has $2500-$5000 laying a round to hire these attorneys to start??It is a joke. I have thought about just ending my life because the whole situation makes me sick.Hubby is seeing a gold digging homewrecker and he spends his free time with her.Women are just screwed in todays world.I have too much debt to just “leave” plus I would be living on the streets.I keep praying that God will make a way but I am not seeing it. Its sad when you never ask family for help or money ever but the one time you do no one can help you 🙁 Glad I am not the only one

    1. Hey Trisha, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I am going through my own issues as well. I would love to talk to you some more, if you do not mind .

    2. I would love to talk you in regards to your story my name is Jane I am struggling in a marriage I can get out of I read your story and my heart started beating way to fast please if you could respond to me
      Thank you kindly

    3. Trisha I am married with a bad bad man and olso I have no kids,I have been married for 9 or 10 but I realize that I don’t wanna be waiting for a miracle you have to move now now is the time as many of this wonderful woman’s in here I have thinking in a lot of crazy things even on being homeless because leave with someone like him is impossible I found this website because I’m trying to escape from this life from my husband, I don’t care were.I’m 28 Im not from this country but I’m legal but I don’t have money but please don’t judge me for my age.The only thing I know is if I found any place to go and star my life a new and normal life I will take it. I am smart girl,I am lonely in this country and see that even in this country many women’s are abused in so many levels is sad very sad.One day I would like to create a foundation to help women’s no matter if they are marry,widow’s, with kids, older lady’s because I understand that is the situation and the other part, the abuse man’s are making all this problems and making you to duplicate for your life looking for someone who can really hear you and understand you with out judging you.Not every woman have the brave enough to tell the truth about her life, her real life with a abuse man. I young I praying to find the way,the people, the person who wants to help me, I don’t have kids,I can work and live with someone who would like to help a woman with a little space in their home, I’m just asking for a home to live temporary while I work and earn a money to star over but I know there is s shelter for women’s like us but I have been there and I know for my experience is not the solution for me, for others woman’s meaby.But the truth is in this cases we need support Love support and olso a home or place to star again.Many times I think I know there is many people who would die to have a company in theirs lifes, for example a gramma or lonely woman or man who wants a real company in theirs life. I always dream about find some old lady who don’t have kids or who wants a daughter to share her loves, I miss my family and my mather. Go back to my country is not a option I deserve to be here I am a permanent resident and I didn’t enjoy the life here because my husband I still love him but I know this is a abuse and toxic relationship, please don’t judge me, at my short life I have been suffering many levels of abuse

  97. I have been married for 10 yrs, we have 3 children. My husband has always been the “bread winner” in the relationship. He mainly works out of town every other day so I was always left being the primary caregiver, which I’ve enjoyed watching my children grow and learn. However due to the sparatic schedule he had I have been unable to find work with being unemployed so long. He within the past two yrs has gone from loving father to crazy cussing and verbal/emotionally abusive to not only but the kids. I’m at my wits end with it, previously suggested coming keeping which he shot down, so now here I am trying to make a plan to leave and how to go about getting a job to help save up. Wish they had an employment agency geared to helping women get on their feet again would definitely be helpful for times like these.

  98. I am so happy that I found this page. I am married for 36 years to a man who is 16 years older then I am. Last year I actually saved his life. He had a Triple A and an infection called Colangitus. The morning I took him to the emergency room, they told me he was not going to make it. Well, he did make it. I left my job to take care of him after he got out of the hospital and since then its been downhill for him and I. We have not had sex in a year, and he is VERY nasty. He has never been this way. All we do is spar with one another. When I tried to talk to him about it, he told me if I am not happy I should do something about it. I have been in my room for the past 2 months, I hardly eat cause my stomach is always in knots and if I eat I feel very naucious. When I tell him its time for me to get a job he tells me I dont need one cause I have him. But really I know I have nothing. My kids are grown and I have been looking for work but I cannot fond a job suitable for me to go out on my own. All I do is sit here and cry, apply for jobs and hear nothing back from them. I feel like the biggest waste of life these days. And I know my sad attitude probably refects in my face and my voice. I used to be happy and try to find that part of me again, but I cannot. Im really scared about my future. I have no family left, well cousins and stuff but I am not close with them. And due to my always being sad, I lost all of my friends. I honestly feel like I have nothing left. The things that my husband and I had in common are gone. So what do I have left with him ? Nothing. Do you know what I can do to get happy again so that I can move on and better my life? I sure hope you can help cause I am now at rock bottom.

      1. I feel like this is well I have no money of my own my husband and I do not own our own home and he keeps saying that I’m a martyr I cry and I cry every single day I’m 55 years old without a college degree. My husband doesn’t even have a savings and he just keeps yelling at me get out just get the F out if you don’t like it here. We have lived very Separate Lives and everytime I tell him I’m sad and cry he makes fun of me laughs and calls me a big whiner and reminds me of every fault that I have constantly. I am hurt I am scared. I still have a 13 year old son who is very affected by all this. I’m scared to death as I have no skills current skills to have to look for a job. My parents keep telling me to stay just stay that’s all that you can do but I can only do so much with the abuse and telling me that I’m a worthless piece of crap. I honestly don’t know where to go or where to even start. I can’t afford an apartment of my own unless I get a job my husband does have a job but we’re in great debt. I’ve lived like this for many many years we’ve been together for 25 years and I have not had a job since my oldest daughter was born who is 19 years old so all the current skills that are needed out there in the job market I don’t have. I’ve applied online many times and heard nothing back. I do have to get out I can’t take it anymore. I will need to get my husband to get to agree to at least pay for a little apartment and then get down on my knees and pray cuz I’m a great believer. I’m sitting here right now was crying and crying and now I right before I started writing this down got down on my knees and prayed and I know I have to leave the situation I can’t go on like this any longer and it’s not healthy for my son. Does anybody have any advice of where to go and ask for help I suppose I can start with my church. And like one lady said I wish there was an agency or somewhere to go that will help Empower women in our situation because we do have so much to give, we’re just so insecure and browbeaten that we need to find our strength in the Lord. I live in a little bedroom upstairs in the house that we don’t even own just rent. I have forgotten the woman that I once was, a confident one. All we do now is fight all the time and I have no more fight in me . I pray that the Lord will tell me what my gifts are and I can utilize that and honor him somehow while making money of my own. I just need to get out with my son. I’m so glad I found this site I thought I was alone and all in all this and I wish we could just all get together and Empower one another and help one another. I would appreciate any advice that that have worked for anyone of you on this site. So glad I did find this site it gives me hope.

        1. Wife in abusive marriage who is an attorney

          For every woman who is married to a husband who makes more money or has more retirement assets, meet with one or more divorce attorneys immediately and ask them to bill you for any time if they charge for an initial consult. You are entitled to half of all marital assets and alimony, as well as some of his social security benefits. Don’t be afraid. Call a lawyer and know that your legal expenses will be covered by your marital assets including his retirement and any house or other assets not excluded by a a prenup. God bless!!!

  99. If you had enough money to leave your husband, what would your plan be? Where would you go, what would you do, and how would you get there?

    1. If I had enough money to leave I would move to my friend’s place in AZ. Her and her spouse just separated and we’ve already discussed it. However, I feel guilty because most the utilities are in my name and my husband is on disability and unable to afford to connect them in his name. I have a car I could drive, but it is being financed in both names, me listed as primary. I have a newly acquired job that allows me to work at home from anywhere. My problem is guilt and worry about him wrecking my credit. The trailer we rent is in my fathers name, so it would also cause the family issues. I just feel overwhelmed.

      1. Kat, I’m sorry. I first felt confused as well.
        Get his name off your credit cards. Cancel them. Tell him they were stolen. Do not get any new ones yet.
        Open a separate savings account in your name only. Use a friends address for billing ( let the friend know what you are doing first) put 20 bucks in it. Keep adding to it every week. Just having this account will make you feel better, more powerful and clearer in your quest. Buy a burner phone and keep it charged in a safe place.
        It is starting that counts.

      2. Kat: Does your husband treat you well? You did not state if you just wanted to divorce or if you were in a very bad situation. If you have tried to work things out with your husband and have not been successful, then that is another story. Sometimes people are just not suppose to live in the same household together. It’s hard to offer advice because I don’t have all the details. But first you should take very good care of yourself, and focus on maintaining your financial security, good mental and physical health. Confirm with your friend in AZ that you would like to consider her offer, but be certain about your plans. If your husband has family or friends, chances are they will be able to help him out. if you are in any kind of situation where your are concerned about your safety or having to tolerate verbal abuse, you should not hesitate to set a plan in action.

  100. i have endured abuse from husband for years, rape, physical open violence, financial, emotionally, he trapped me with kids and i have bearing the shame of his rape unreported cus i was protecting the child caused by the rape. in turn i feel ashamed and resentful for not speaking up. i have no choice no matter what i do or say everyone gets hurt. he even strangled me and dislocated my jaw to shut me up from screaming during one of his sucks i have no one. i grew up n foster care. he breaks promises humiliates me breaks my property.lies to others about me. i feel afraid isolated unloved trapped. this is unfair and inhumane. his brother n him both tryed to assault me, terrorized me against my will. unreported i am ashamed to bear these burdens.. i only hoped to protect the kids. but at what cost? truly. i am lost depressed no self esteem unheard cries. broken promises. self loathing.

  101. I need help, he’s not my husband but boyfriend of 5year with two children.
    I’m mentally abused.
    I’m told if I leave him I’ll need to make money cuz I don’t have a good job history and I’m having a hard time finding work that goes with my older sons school and my one year old isn’t in day care yet.
    How does someone like me leave peacefully with out losing everything. Everything we have is ours.. but he claims I leave it all will be his… I’m very lost but baby number 3 is on the way and I need out.

  102. Dear Bonnie,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing the struggle you feel about leaving your husband. You’ve been through so much! It’s not just about finding money to leave him…it’s the whole emotional separation that is difficult and heart wrenching. And, your children not wanting to have anything to do with you…it’s overwhelming and sad.

    How are you doing these days? Have you come across any ideas about what to do first? I welcome your update, and would love to hear what you’re doing in your life.

    – Laurie

    1. Thank You Laurie,
      I am just taking one day at a time. He has already moved out of state.I have started a new job as of 7/24. I have been reading some comments about saving a couple dollars here and there, which I want to start. I just need to decide where I want to live. I do not want to leave the location that I am at right now.. Right now the house is in both names and I am living there and my husband is still paying the mortgage. He knows that if he stops it would put in a very bad place.
      I know I have to decide, but I go from feeling abandoned and lonely, to trying to deal with the situation.
      One day I am strong and say to myself “I need to stay because of insurance and then the next day I think that I would be better off on my own.
      I am hoping that within 60 days I will be off of probation at work and it is a union, so that is in my favor. The only thing now is dealing with standing 7 hrs a day. That’s the hardest thing right now.Since he left last year I have lost 81 pounds which is a good thing.
      I am physically and mentally tired from working. I have been working again since 2016 but it was a desk job and I didn’t have to be on my feet and legs.
      I am hoping I can get through the winter before he forces me to sell my home. But I do feel it is for the best. But what bothers me the most is I have to give in to him AGAIN.
      This relationship has been so full of disappointments and heart aches that I just want to get it over with. For a couple years I just felt like I wanted to die and get it over with. He’s 4 years younger than I am and just doesn’t either care, and/or want to see my side of things. It’s all about him and it has really always been that way. He thinks that my depression can just go away and I have explained time and time again that it is a disease that I cannot control.
      I am also ADHD and that in itself is a struggle for me. I would have thought that he would understand since he has the same conditions that I have. I just chose to take meds where he refuses because he says he doesn’t like the way it makes him feel. I have talked to him till I am blue in the face. I’m done. I have to find some kind of happiness. I think that since I am 61 that realistically feel that I only have 8 or 9 years of youth left.
      But will keep plugging away and hope that between November and April of 2018 that I can get everything figured out. I just have to save some money.
      Thanks for reaching out and will keep everyone updated. 🙂

  103. I am in a really lonely place. I have absolutely nobody to help…no family or friends…but I have decided that it is time to go. I have been with my hubby for 18 years and I have gone from a single mom who worked 3 jobs, plenty of friends and a positive outlook on life….to a lifeless drone who has no friends other than on FB (and hear about those ). My hubby is in jail at the moment and my child and I are struggling to survive….i have inlaws who have helped with rent….but now my father in law has started calling me out of the blue hitting on me …its disgusting and has happened years ago and when I told on him…I was called a liar, druggie,crazy…but this time I have recorded a lot of the gross convos!! All I hear is how we might lose our house (rental) and they even talk about me in front of my son(13) and have him terrified of losing our home….there’s a lot more I could write but I really just want to know how to leave him…i wont have a car or anything and there ate no shelters here at all.

    1. Hey Alicia, I’m really sad to hear about your situation. I’m dealing with a similar one, although without the crazy in-laws. I just wanted to comment and tell you about a few things that I’ve learned about:
      -Depending on the size of the city you’re in usually your township can offer some kind of assistance or at least direction to what programs are available in your area.
      -A lot of shelters (especially ones for battered women) will allow women to come in from other cities, or even other states. I would have a hard time believing there’s not a shelter in your entire state. A bus ticket wouldn’t be too expensive and would at least get you there.
      Again, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, and I pray you can find strength and courage, we both need it. *hugs*
      Also, as an afterthought, I guess this would only really be helpful if you live in the US. I have no idea about other countries.

  104. About to have a Rant!! It really annoys me how women (sometimes men) and children are not protected in these circumstances. When a couple chooses to have children together, it is a joint venture and lasts until those children are old enough to fend for themselves…no matter what happens in the relationship. The fact is, usually there is a primary caregiver while the other parent works… (not that i agree with this either but thats another rant). Why is there no protection in place for the primary caregiver!!!!! Are we not worth anything in monetary terms?? How is it fair that a man (or women), whos been able and free to work on their career (at the expense of the primary caregiver) comes out better off at the end of a relationship (financially speaking). Is it not fair that the parent whos career has been able to advance, pay maintenance to the parent who had to sacrafice theirs for THEIR children?? at least for the same period of time that the parent was unable to work full time. In my case i had two boys 5 years apart, meaning i have had a preschooler for 8 years of my life and have had to put my career on hold because of it. I come out of a marriage with less then half the pay packet of my then spouse as a result….yet i am still the primary caregiver, meaning the children’s quality of life also goes down. Yet the other parent gets to swan off into the sunset with all their free time and good paying jobs to form another relationship….i see it happen all the time and there is nothing in place to protect the primary caregiver….i mean someones got to do it !!!!. Gets me so annoyed. We should be paid a percentage of their earnings for the period of time our careers have been compromised due to children….i would think that’s fair.

    1. so i guess what i’m trying to say is how sad it is when i hear of mothers especially in situations where they feel they can’t leave a long term relationship because of money….i know my rant doesn’t apply to everyone on here…..but the way i see it is if you’ve been in a long term relationship with someone there shouldn’t be any mine and his….you should have access to “his” money as its also yours….sad that so much abuse goes on in relationships around money….and it is abuse.

    2. I agree with you completely. 20 years and 5 kids later, he has a great job and was able to get a college education during our marriage. While I stayed home, not able to go to school or further my career because of childcare issues. We met working the same exact position, except he was paid more. Now he is acting like the children and I are burdens and mentioning the financial freedoms of his single friends/and married friends with grown kids. He’s the one that wanted so many kids, I was fine with 2. And now I fear that after all these years of sacrificing and tolerating his overall control over my life he’s just going to leave me with less than nothing. And he knows the power he has now and is being so mean about it.

  105. I am 61. Major depression and everything that goes along with the disease. Been married 28 years and I can’t remember being happy. When I was single I raised my son, had a job, an apartment. my own car. Money was tight but I survived,
    My husband is one of 12 children, they grew up very isolated and they were never to have friends over to visit. After I married things just went down hill from there. I have 3 adult children, with 2 of the children by him.
    He couldn’t and can’t make a decision if his life depended on it. When I make a decision and it doesn’t work out he a pain in the “ass’.
    I left my family and moved to where his family lived. Which was a 3 day drive across the country. I lived there for 19 years and all the places I lived were rat holes.
    After my third child was born I got pregnant again with my 4th child and I miscarried.
    That’s when I had to start making meds.
    I have been on 7 medications just to get thru the day. I realized that I was taking medications just to get through the day to numb my feelings.
    My husband was transferred with his job. He promised me that when we moved we could have our own house.
    When I moved the state said that I was taking to much on a couple of my medications and I fell apart.
    I found a house which was a new build for a really great deal. I showed my husband and family and he signed the papers along with me. We moved into the house 5 years ago and I have been through hell and back.
    He refused to help me pick things out, the brick, wall colors and when I picked the items out he always said that he hated my choices. After the third change I told him to stuff it.
    The day we moved into the house I was so sick that the hospital said I wasn’t to do anything.
    Then he’s said that the house is mine and he hates living here. We had only been in the home a month when he told me he wanted to move back to where we moved from. I told him that he was free to move but I was not going back to a place I hated and to a place where his family treated my like crap. My depression was so bad that I couldn’t function day to day. He’s never taken up for me and has always made he feel like crap. My youngest is a girl and she lives with us. She treats me like garbage and he never tells her not to talk back to me and takes her side. Dosn’t make her pay rent. Lives with us free.
    I left 3 years ago for 3 months and went through drug rehab just to get off some of the medications. He refused to help me and I had to move back.
    He finally did move out a year ago and he said that I didn’t love him because I didn’t follow him.
    Now, I am so depressed that any kind of stress is magnified 100 times. At night when I go to bed I cry myself to sleep. He’s trying to force me to agree to sell the house. I know I need to cut my strings but I am so scared that I will not be able to live. I am so scared that I will end up on the street.
    None of my 3 children want anything to do with me. My emotions are all over the place from hour to hour.I am not sleeping right and I have to take something just to keep my mind from racing.
    I talked with him the other night and he told me that I had threatened to kill him if he made me sell. I don’t even remember the conversation. I think he’s making things up now.
    There is so much to this story that I am just sick over the whole situation.
    Where do I start? I’m lonely, tired, depressed and I just want my children to love me. I feel abandoned, isolated, and just feel like there is nothing to look forward to.
    I spend way to much money just to make he happy at the time.
    I need help and do not know what to do first.
    WHAT DO I DO????

    1. Omg …your story sounds very close to mine…I wish I had some ideas but I am totally overwhelmed. Too. You seem so cool though…look me up on facebook if you wanna talk.

      1. Hi Alicia, I tried looking you up on Facebook but their are several Alicia Stanley.
        I would need to narrow the search. is their a way to locate each other?

  106. Dear Pamela,

    It sounds like it’s been a long, difficult 12 years of marriage! And the thought of leaving your husband when you have no money is overwhelming. I can only imagine how difficult it is…and I admire your courage to make this decision to leave. It does take more strength to do what you believe is right than to stay in a hopeless, unhappy marriage.

    But, doing what you believe is right isn’t easy, is it? Especially when you don’t have resources, money, or support.

    Have you called a womens’ help line or resource center in your community? That would be my next step, I think. You mention you have health issues that prevent you from working…are there financial resources available for women in your situation? I know it depends on your community, city, and even county or state…so you need to call around, and find out what types of support exist.

    You might also try calling legal aid, or a women’s legal organization. They may have help for women who want to leave their husbands, but have no money.

    What other advice have you received?

    Hoping and praying for you,

  107. I have been married for almost twelve years. Almost since the beginning, we have had major financial problems. It’s been one thing after another. We did not have any children together. I have felt stuck for many years due to being financially dependent on him. I have had various health issues that have kept me from working. I do not get any kind of “allowance” to buy clothes. I basically tell him when I need something (toothpaste, etc.) and he will get it. He will give me a few dollars at a time (enough to get some kind of junk food) so I can get something to eat when I go out. He pays the bills. If I need new clothes I tell him and he will decide when we can afford to get the items and where to get them. My name is on our bank account but I don’t really know why because if I got money out or used the credit card he would have a fit. We have had many arguments over money through the years. I’m no longer in love with him and haven’t been for years. He treats me more like his daughter than his wife. He is 59 and I am 48. I can’t stand living this way any longer. I have been miserable for years. One of my biggest concerns about divorcing is not having anywhere to live. I have already asked my mom if I could live with her and my dad and she said no. My brother is living with them to help them out. I have a sister but she lives in Alabama. I am in Virginia. I have a daughter from a previous marriage that is going into her senior year of high school. I just want to be free and happy again. Any advice would be most appreciated. Thanks.

    1. What part of VA? Im close to Richmond! Maybe we could work together or just support one another….Im on FB Alicia Lynn so look me up!

  108. Thank you for being here, and sharing your story. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to be unhappy in your marriage, but not have enough money to leave your husband. It’s a difficult situation, and there are no easy answers. Especially when you have loved ones depending on you.

    What resources or organizations for women exist in your area? It might be worth giving them a call, and finding out if they offer any type of financial or other support. Most of those organizations don’t advertise the type of help they offer — you really have to call and find out what resources exist!

    And…consider what sacrifices you’re willing to make to leave your husband. You may have to start completely over from scratch, with nothing.

    Can you do this? Do you want to do this?

  109. I have been married for 42 yrs. I have put up with him putting me down , running me down to his friends, after I clean he goes and makes a big mess, throws clothes everywhere after I had ironed folded them. I heard him tell my uncle he only married me to take care of him and I was his hired hand. When I heard that I stopped doing his laundry and only do what I have to for my uncle n I. I have noticed he’s not being nice to my uncle who I moved in with us cause he was being abused. My husband wants me to pay rent lets me drive his car. I am fed up and I have talked to my uncle and he stands behind me 100 % but says it’s not time yet. My husband gets a disability check and has spent all the savings we had. He doesn’t give me money says it’s his and he pays bills and what he wants to eat. My uncle helps with food as well. I so want to leave but I have no money and I need to take care of my uncle he’s the only family I have left. Not sure on how to move out. Any advice. I have been praying for a God to help n show me what to do. Thanks

  110. My husband and i have been married for 33 years, and he has verbally abused me for many years. He just told me last week that he told our apartment manager that in 30 days he will be moving. I am unemployed, and have no money. We have 3 grown children, and he has managed to trash talk me so much, that they no longer want anything to do with me. I have no place to go, and he doesn’t care. He never has. I told him he is a heartless piece of crap, and he just chuckles at me. He has never defended me or had my back. He always takes the other persons side. He says he no longer wants to be with me, but just wants to move out. I have to do all of the paperwork at the courts, and it is very painful. My head is spinning, cuz he has nevr cared from day one. I dont even know where to turn. Can anyone give me some suggestions?

  111. Hmmmm, am just afraid that I may die one day, if I don’t leave this marriage. But come to think of it where do I go to? My son is 3years old. My husband is a chronic womanizer, he nagg for any little things to the hearing of neaboughs he beat me, telling that I can live his house if I want to, he doesn’t take care of me. He has money. If they ask the child to pay any money @school he complain why do I tell tell him, that o should go and pay. He knew he don’t give me money, am not working, the little business am running Ihe make sure i don’t save. I feed my self, my son, my sister and my husband niece. He left for work Monday come Friday sometimes Saturday. He was leaving this kind of life till the first wife left. He is much older than me, he supposed to take me like a daughter. Instead he treat me bad I cannot get any support from him. I just read his text telling one of his girlfriend to move in with him at his place of work. Am depressed, frustrated, angry, sick, tired, mad, am just 25 but I have taken what my mother have never thought of. My parents are not financial buoyant. I don’t have saving to rent a house, feed my sister and my son. I cannot go back to my mother she’s sick. Am tired no support, he will be at enjoying him self, he don’t care how we survive before he return, he don’t even call, if I call he don’t pick. This was a man that was showing me love. After one child he has turned to devil. Am having heart achening to my back. Anytime am hurt the pain is in my heart. Am afraid of heart attack or failure.

    1. I realize that you wrote this weeks ago but I just read it and I hope things are better .. I understand that pain.

  112. Margarita warner

    I am living with an abusive housband verbally and emotionally, I left my country to marry him with my two daughters that are not his. He knows I have not enought money to leave And make a life without him
    I have called the cops several times after abusive situations and most of the times they are in his side because he acts totally diferent when they come home
    I have been working hard to could make my life and my daughters much better but still is not enought to cover all expenses.
    He knows that I still need his money . Money that he had always had the control over it since the first day we got married.
    He is always on his phone, Texting with other women and playing his war games.
    He is always saying that we have the house bad, always demanding the imposible in order to say that I am never enough good for him as a housewife ,in my work (even if I work hard at home he is always complaining why I work at home ) that I need to get a better job
    All the times he says there is the door open ! You can leave
    I never put a gun on your head to make you move from your country sooo you should leave and go back to your country.
    Is a humiliating situation all the time
    He says why should I change if you do not clean the house and keep it clean it as I want
    Why should I give you money if you do not know how to spend it
    I always says is a matter of time but is not easy to make a life here by your self raising two kids when I do not have support at all
    I do not want to go back and to my country after all I have done here and working hard to make grow my art business That in the beginning he said he was going to support.
    But in reality he never did . I have done all by myself.

  113. Hi. I am so grateful to read all of these comments and not feel so alone. All my friends think I’m crazy for still being with him. They don’t understand. We got together when we were 14, I was smitten by my teenage love. We got so serious so young and at 18 i fell pregnant with my daughter. We both lived at home but soon moved out together before the baby was born. He was a really bad drinker, very angry. He would verbally abused me most of the time with the occasional shove. Our daughter was born via emergency c sec, I was young and scared. The following day He returned to the hospital seemingly drunk. I couldn’t believe it. Things didn’t improve after she was born. Thank God for my mum at that time. When my daughter was around 8 months it go so bad that I left with her and moved into my mum and dads. This only lasted a few months and then my mum got breast cancer, while I wasn’t coping with the news He was there to help me emotionally which led me back into his arms. Following this he gave up drinking altogether, and was sober for 5 years. In this time we had a second daughter, bought a house and got married. Life was so good and we were so happy. 8 months after buying our house, my mum became terminally ill and passed away 3 months later. My world was shattered. My number one supported gone. As if that wasn’t enough to go through he Then started drinking again….i was devastated, I was trying to adjust to this new life of him drinking again and my mum not being here and keep it together for my girls, and ontop of that I then became my dad’s carer. Wow. My life was in total chaos, and then I found out he was on ice. I didn’t know what to do everything was just so crazy and he was messed up and needed help, so I tried to help him….for one whole year. Eventually he became way to unpredictable and I left with the kids. I got a part time job, got a loan and bought a car, rented a unit and just did it all on my own while he got worse and worse. He didn’t see the kids for 4 months straight. Then suddenly his grandfather passed away unexpectedly and he turned up on my doorstep and collapsed in my arms. I brought him in and he just cried for days, and from that moment on he was back and off the ice and getting himself right for our girls. But with this came a new addiction to marijuana. From the moment he put down the ice, he smoked weed to replace it and at the time I was ok with it because compared to the ice it wasn’t an issue. While we were apart he stayed in the house and the mortgage didn’t get paid nor did any other bill so the bank were ready to repossess it and I managed to save it. With his addictions to drinking, drugs and gambling I was always the one who took care of the money and the bills. So back in our house and 3 years later, he still hasn’t gone a day without pot, he is still a gambler, still drinks and will occasionally become verbally abusive. I am now studying nursing full time, the kids are 8 and 10 and I am always running them to some sort of activity, I run the house, take care of the finances, help run my husband’s business and take care of my dad. He has lost all interest in us and our life. He NEVER asks about my uni, he doesn’t have any interest in attending things at the kids school ect. He is high every minute of every day and if we argue about it, he will belittle me and remind me that he works and pays the bills and puts a roof over our heads. He is so nasty. We are rarely intimate and just a few night ago he turned up home from the pub mid week absolutely drunk and was abusing me verbally in front of the kids calling me names and when my eldest daughter tried to stand up for me he bullied her aswell. He is nasty. The next day he is ALWAYS sorry and he will apologize and expect everyone to move on. I do purely for the sake of the kids.
    Recently I packed a bag for me and the girls and left, then i realized we have no where to go. I have no money, no job and no way out. I visited a friend for a few hours (who has 4 kids and no space) then went home. I slept on the couch and the next morning he is so smug. Believes that it was all me because I spoke and he claims that I know he will lose it if I keep talking when he doesn’t want me to. I have no doubt he is schizophrenic and has got major anger issues. I don’t love him anymore but he won’t leave and I have no where to leave to. He believes today is a new day and we should move on. I hate him. I want out. I am midway through my degree and when I’m done I will have my dream job and my independence. I wish he would just save us the grief and move out….but he would never. This is our family home and he is just destroying it. I am already a single mother basically, I am 29 years old and just don’t want to live like this anymore. My girls deserve better. He claims to be this amazing husband and father because he works hard but it takes so much more than money to be a provider and a good person. I feel so stuck 🙁

  114. Ladies, i cannot tell You how much i feel better knowing that i am not alone.
    I really want to leave my husband because I cannot take it anymore. I am 30 and we have a 5 yo who is really starting to be worried and stressed because of the situation.
    I left my Job to Follow him in a another country (which do not allows me to find a. Job…) so basically I feel like a desperate house wife cliché but without the finance. I m taking care of my. Lovely son but that is it, I’m not allowed to spend His money, have to justify every movement and stay. At home all day! He has a very good job so people really. Look at him with admiration and respect, its killing me because I feel Every day I’m dying a bit more inside. I loved him but after 7 years of lies, disrespect moral abuse, alcool abuse especially in front. Of people. I. Am thinking of leaving the country and re start from scratch BUT I have nothing, no money. My husband always makes sure that I don’t have the card or reminds me nicely that I do not. Work for it.
    I am lost in a no so friendly country 16 hours from my parents. My life is a waste, I’m educated, funny (people say) not too bad looking and I’m dying of sadness in front of my. So I’m feeling powerless.

    1. I’m going to almost the same situation. 33 with a 3 yr old daughter who is my everything. Living in a country 15 hrs away from home with a husband who drinks almost daily and does nothing for me financially. I don’t love him anymore and haven’t in years! He’s a great father to our daughter so this is the ONLY glue holding us together but at the end of the day, I want to love my husband and be happy.. both of which I am not!

    2. Ladies
      Thank you your stories have inspired me. We have to make an escape plan for happiness. I need financial independence from my husband and a divorce .It will not be a short road but I pray for God’s guidance and strength for us all. I am so scared for the future of myself and my kids, but I can’t continue like this. It hurts to much.
      Praying for us all!

  115. I am 62 years old. I have been fighting cancer off and on for years. I have lived with a man for 20 years. He is very abusive. He treats me so horribly. He lies, and comes and goes when he wants. He is just so awful and there is just to much to post. I am lied to and disrespected. I am the last thing on his list. He puts all his male friends first and talks so badly about me behind my back. He tries to get me mad and when I do, he will use his phone recorder to record me while I am mad and he makes sure he talks sweet .. He will act like a victim that is getting picked on. He will then play the recording to his friends and say that is what he has to go through. In reality, I am so good to him. I stay home and keep a beautiful house, and cook a clean I have never had a vacation or gone anywhere in the 20 years. He takes trips to go fishing or skiing with his friends often. During my last check up, they found an aortic aneurysm… I was told not to let my blood pressure get high. But, I can not help it when I am getting abused on a daily basis. I have no money to leave or support myself. I do not tell people in my life my problems. I am embarrassed to do so. He walks all over me and has no loyalty or respect for me. I want to leave so bad. I don’t want to get so upset that my aorta bursts. . I have four beautiful grandchildren who love me and I love them. They are really all I have. I am so unhappy I cry all the time. Because I know I can’t leave because of no money, I find myself thinking of suicide. Anything to get away from him… I just want a little home of my own where I can take care of myself. I want to live in peace while I have time. I am not a very healthy woman, and I have been through so much all my life. I do not tell my girls about anything because I do not want them to be disgusted with me. I just want to get my dignity back… I want him to no longer have the ability to abuse me… He knows I have no money or anywhere to go so he does what he wants. even if it is treating me like something on the bottom of his shoe. I don’t know what to do anymore,,, I am so tired…

    1. Elizabeth Hagen

      JUST LEAVE. I know it is hard but I have done it in the past with one child and am about to do it with 4. My husband does the same things your husband doe except he plays xbox instead of going anywhere. He barely holds a job and when he does he just leaves us high and dry. I also have major health problems and I also scared to leave. When I did it before I was really healthy also able to work full-time. I know it is hard but our kids (and grandkids) deserve having us in their lives. If you or If die our husbands may end up putting our loved ones in a bad situation. You may think “oh he is good to the grandchildren” but believe me when you are not their to shield them and take the abuse things can change. Our situations are so much alike I wish we could help eachother. Talk to your daughters fist, they may be able to help you and their is nothing wrong with you only him. I wish you the best and hope you can take that one scary step and just do it. It will be hard for a while but you will start feeling better and better every day you are are way from him. I would also go see a doctor and councelor and try to get disability so you can support yourself. Best of luck and all the love in the world for you and yours. It really is possible and not just a dream. Reach out you will be surprised how many people and places care!

    2. Miserable inVirginia

      Carol, this sounds like my situation to the tee. I am 66 years old and also have nobody that I can turn too, feel so alone. He even bad mouths me to my two adult sons and plays victim as to where he will get pity from them and everyone. Tells me all the time to “go to hell”,trust me, I think I’m there. No way to live, but how do you make a change with no money and no one to turn to. I pray everynight to just die in my sleep, which I dont get much of, totally tired and wotn out emotionally. I feel your pain, God Bless you,and pray you find a way. We were blessed with loser’s!!! Dont give up the fight!!!

      1. Mine plays the victim as well. Even when he was ill, they thought I was flipping out when I would tell people how ill he was. They would call him and he would tell them he was fine. Until the morning he almost died. But this year his family does not even look at me cause he seems to have them brainwashed that there is something wrong with me. He goes to his brothers house for dinners and such and does not tell me they are having dinner. Then he tells them I am home sick when they ask where I am. I am so tired of crying and having my eyes swollen. I forgot what it is to smile.

  116. Finding this thread is such a relief to me. I’m struggling so bad right now and to know others are feeling similar things is unexpectedly comforting. I am a stay at home mom of 3 boys, my youngest is 2 and has some very serious health problems and disabilities so my life revolves around his issues which is why I no longer have a job. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and after we had our second son (year 2) he became very violent. Punching me in the face multiple times, one time even beating me so badly on the bathroom floor that I thought he would certainly kill me. The cops were called that night by a neighbor but I was already in my car leaving with my kids. I regret so much not telling anyone what happened. I was so embarrised. He quit drinking 3 years ago after a dui and sin e then has not been violent but verbally and emtionally abusive and demeaning to me and even our boys sometimes. Recently He had a compete mental breakdown and went crazy , was put in psych ward and put on all kinds of meds. He has no interest in our children and it’s sad to say I don’t feel safe leaving him alone with them. I tell myself I stayed through so many terrible things what will people say that I’m leaving over some emotional abuse. Ugh internal battle. But I have zero money to my name and he makes it very clear that the money he makes is HIS. I don’t know where to begin but I know I need to get out bc I’m starting to see aggression in my boys, and they deserve better than this constant fight. I’m so so sorry for rambling on, it just felt so good to release all of that lol

  117. I wish I had money to leave my husband but I’m still saving up. I want to be financially secure before I walk out of this marriage. These tips helps more than you know, thank you. It’s good to know I’m not the only one in this situation.

  118. It’s so funny how everyone thinks women who are abused get ANY help. I called the police on him one day when he wouldn’t stop raging in hopes of scaring him into stopping. He is NOT physically violent but yells and slams things. In my home state I had used this successfully against my dad when he was raging and it made him not do it again but nothing bad came of it and it was just a warning, I hoped the police would just give him a warning and I had tried everything but he just wouldn’t respect me and it was getting out of control.

    Unfortunately we had just moved to a state with a mandatory DV arrest policy I WAS NOT AWARE OF, so the police OUTRIGHT LIED TO ME asked me where he was so they could “talk” to him. I asked the officer outright if it was “just talking” and the officer lied and said yes. He hadn’t been physically abusive but they arrested him anyways and I got to find out just how politicized and life ruining the domestic violence laws are in some states.

    They arrested him and instituted an immediate 6 month restraining order. Of course they didn’t offer me ANY HOUSING SUPPORT and my husband pays all the bills, so we drained all our savings with him living in a hotel for a month and me being in an apt. At the end of 6 months we were nearly destitute which almost caused us to go homesless. Because of the HORRIBLE IDIOTIC mandatory arrest policy we had our savings drained and almost went homeless, but guess what? I still live with him. You know why?

    Because the DV services offered me NOTHING (in addition to harassing me with political rhetoric which I told them not to do because I don’t vote and I’m not at DV services to be politically harassed) and I don’t have family. So now I just live with a man who hates me for having him put in jail and things are NO better but we are out 10 grand and my savings are drained and my husband has violent criminal charges ( even though he did not touch me at all – yelling is a violent crime according to the liberals in this horrible state) which DO NOT PROTECT ME FROM ABUSE but DOES make it difficult to survive and find housing.

    I hate smarmy liberals who virtue signal about domestic violence “helping women” – DV LAWS do not help women as much as they DRAIN MONEY FROM PEOPLE and RUIN THEIR LIVES. They also can’t help but force their social justice politics on abused women. Why would I leave a marriage and put myself in the hands of a bunch of stuck up social workers who try to rape their already abused clients with an extra helping of political rhetoric.

    I tried to escape an abusive husband, but the women at DV services were much worse and are politically rabid here. I’m apolitical, do not vote and do not adhere to or want to hear about political parties yet somehow that is all the DV services here are – a party headquarters.That’s unacceptable to Domestic Violence counselors who live eat and breathe vile politics and then try to force them on women who try to use their services. Domestic Violence counselors are vile, snarling political hacks who try to force everyone around them to be as hysterical about politics as they are. I will NEVER seek out social services again,

    I’d rather be controlled by my husband than twenty-something airheads at the DV center who are politically abusive – they actually tried to push race and gender politics on me. How dare they!!! I am trying to leave an abusive marriage to a man of my same race and they are harassing me about gender and race politics and “white privilege”. Domestic violence centers are a joke and are places to further abuse downtrodden women with shallow politics.

    I hate politics and will never votes again after being harassed by domestic violence services with political rhetoric.They love their life ruining DV laws that simply DON’T WORK and make things 100% worse, because the political rhetoric is that it “helps women”. NO IT DOESN’T it just drains your bank account and sets you up for the homeless shelter. I’d rather live with a loveless jerk than be on the streets any time. So DV services are self-congratulatory and thats about it. Your feelings are never taken into account, they just want to control you and shame you and force their crazy politics on you.

    So I won’t try to leave my abusive marriage again, it’s horrible to be abused, but the alternative (having strangers force their fringe politics on me) is worse. The DV mandatory arrest laws are a money making scheme that leaves couples drained and abused women with LESS resources and less support and MORE harassment. After trying to get help from domestic violence people I just hate them and will NEVER use social services or call the police again. I’d rather die than give my life over to people who have such little respect for others and the DV councilors are sociopaths on a control trip themselves. I value my autonomy too much to hand it over to fools. Better to be abused by someone you know than someone you don’t.

  119. Dear Connie C,

    I totally get it – it may feel embarrassing and shameful to go to your mom and dad and asked for money so that you can leave your husband. Your parents are smart, and they knew that he wouldn’t be a good guy for you. But you had to find out for yourself! That’s what we do, we live and we learn and we move on.

    Have you considered asking your mom and dad for a financial loan? You don’t have to ask them to give you money to leave your husband…perhaps you could ask them for X amount of dollars and tell them you will repay them in X number of months or years. This way, it won’t be like you’re asking them to rescue you from your marriage or give you money to save you. You’ll simply be asking for a short-term loan until you get back on your feet again.

    What are your thoughts on this?

  120. Hi,

    Thanks for these tips for leaving your husband when you have no money. My mom and dad are financially comfortable and have money that they would give me if I wanted to walk away from this relationship. The problem is that I am embarrassed and ashamed to ask them for money. They knew that my husband was bad for me, but I ignored all of their warnings. I just feel stupid. I really want to leave and I have no money. I know my parents would give me as much I needed to leave him but my pride is stopping me. What do you think I should do?


    1. You cannot sacrifice yourself because of your pride…just suck it up..tell them you admit they were right and you are wrong…it’s not the end of the world…most of us here would absolutely give anything to be in the position to ask someone who could help us…plesae don’t allow your pride to get in the way of doing what is best for you.

  121. Here’s how to leave your husband when you have no money: falsely accuse your husband of abuse, and file a protective order. Make sure it’s believable enough so it will last a good long time. This should give you at least a couple of years where your husband pays everything while you’re living in someone’s spare room somewhere.

    1. Who in the world does that. It is important that when a woman who is getting hurt is understood to be honest. Why would you want to clog up the system?

    2. SquatchD you are obviously the abusive “husband” in that relationship you just described, considering the way you express your opinion/emotion in regards to (Here’s how to leave your husband when you have no money.) Perhaps your purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

  122. I just can’t believe all us women are having to go through this!! I am in the same boat, trying to get enough money to leave my husband. I’ve been married for 25 years & have 2 grown sons. And I was the “strong, tough one” out of us 3 kids until I meet my husband. I want out of my marriage so bad for years but to scared to do it.

    My marriage started out abusive before we got married. First, he is 14 yrs older than me. Second, He’s been married 3 times before me & Third, He’s an Alcoholic (although he claims he’s not).

    I never had any boys in school that was ever interested in me (so I thought) so we my husband came along & gave me just a little bit of attention, I thought that was the greatest thing. Come to find out it wasn’t. He would take me to places I’d never been before then make me go into a gas station to buy his beer. I felt so ashamed & embarrassed because I don’t drink but did it anyway. When I came back out, we would have driven off. Well my parents never taught me how to call long distance so I would start walking. He would eventually come back & pick me up but he also wanted to know how many men had I slept with while he gone? He has always accused me of doing that from day one.

    Now, it’s about 3 1/2 yrs later & I’m 8 months along with our second son. All these years before, he would go to work then go straight to the golf course & play golf with his buddies & drink more beer & gone every weekend doing the same thing. So that one day when he was home, he again was telling me how that nobody would ever want a BEACHED WALRUS or I was fat as an elephant but yet he was just accusing me of sleeping with all his coworkers & golf buddies. I finally had taken enough when he put his finger in my face!! I BLEW UP!! But not for long, the next thing I remembered is remembering see stars. When I came to, I looked over to my right to see my 3 yr old son standing in his doorway & just screaming crying not realizing what’s going on. I picked myself up off the floor & grabbed my son & tried to get to the front door but he was to strong & I couldn’t get by so I ran to our bedroom, locking the door. Still not realizing all the blood I had on my face where he had just punched me. I sat there for a long time wondering if I should call the police? But I was afraid that if I called them, they would take my son away. So I didn’t & regret every day I didn’t.

    I’m so sorry I pretty much told my life story but what this amounts to is that I’m not happy since day one & I want to live the rest of my life Happy, Go to as I please, Come home when I want to, don’t have to answer why this amount of money is missing or why did you have to go there? Why did it take you so long? You are you talking to? And most important, I will be allowed to see & talk to my family again!!!


  123. Compared to others, my marriage isn’t that awful but we are both unhappy. We can’t seem to ever have a healthy argument, mostly ugly fights that don’t get resolved. My husband verbally abuses me when we fight. It’s not to the extreme awful, sometimes it is and others more subtle. I didn’t realize how this affected me over the last decade until a friend told me a year ago that his language is considered verbal abuse. I went to see a psychologist and learned how my husband’s way of communication is controlling, manipulative, a bit abusive, bully-like etc. My doctor helped me out of my depression (that is due to my environment), I’m slowly getting stronger but having difficulty with divorce. I think I love my husband but not sure how much I’m in love with him. I don’t feel attracted to him but I can’t help to wonder if this is just a bad phase in our marriage. My husband doesn’t think he verbally abuses me and thinks it’s normal when people get angry and sometimes say things they claim they don’t mean. Am I just making excuses for him? We don’t have any children (“we both” are not able to, but he blames me) we have pets we love as our kids. My marriage therapist says we should split but I can’t help but to question him and wonder if he’s even a good therapist or not? Does it have to be extremely horrible to divorce? When we got married I moved to where he lived. I’m away from family and friends. I lost my career over time (isn’t a place to live for my field) and the city I live is small, where it’s difficult for a minority to get work. It’s hard to save money without your husband’s knowing. I’ve been saving a little because I know if I were to divorce, it would be gruesome. He will try to make my life difficult and lawyer fees won’t be cheap. If I were to divorce, I could live with an old friend out of state, a place where I would have a better place to find a job. Starting over is intimidating. It’s nice to know I would have a place to go… but I don’t know if I should divorce or not!? He’s not physically abusive but we are distant from one another. He’s still attracted to me but he won’t take responsibility for his faults and accept that he does hurt me with some verbal abuse…

    1. U should still leave leave leave. I am currently stuck n want to leave but have no money, it is far worse with children and wish my child was not his sperm.

    2. Your situation is almost like mine, but my husband is worse. He verbally abuses me every time we disagree, or i don’t do as he says. Sometimes he physically abuses me, like squeezes me very hard to hurt me, throws me on the sofa, threaten me…every time like that I have to threaten to call the police, then he stops. All of that happened when I was pregnant, and even after just a few days after i delivered my baby, i had a c-section, he still did all that to me. I left a few times to stay with my friend when I was pregnant. Now with the baby, I can only leave once I decide to file a divorce. His excuses are like what you said, he said all people curse and call each other names when they fight, they said horrible things that they don’t mean it. He curses me and our baby since he wasnt even born, and still uses the baby to hurt me. And then he would apologizes. He has anger issues and some spychological issues but refuses it. When I asks him to go see a therapist, then he blames me because I didn’t do the thing he asked, and that triggers his horrible temper, so it’s my fault. Since he has a PhD, so he thinks he is smatter than anyone, so anyone tries to give him advince he would insult them, including his mom. He no longer talks to his mom since she told him not to do something. We just married for a year, my love for him was long gone coz I couldn’t believe I fell in love with a horrible human being like him. I know I will divorce him very soon, I married him right after college, and gor pregnant very quick. Now I have my precious son, i’m ready to leave him until I can find a job to support for my son and I.

      I consider this is my life mistake since i let my emotion/my love for him blinded me. I knew I shouldn’t marry him but I thought with my love I could help him. But i was so so wrong, and I had to pay a hard price for it. My love for him died quickly after i realized he can’t be changed. I have no feelings for him any more,he chooses to live that way. And I need to take my son far away from him otherwise he would make our son the unhappiest person on earth.

  124. Dear Better Than This,

    Thank you for writing about your experience – it takes courage to share what you’re going through in your marriage! Many of us hide what we’re going through, so I really admire your strength. I don’t know much about being a Jehovah’s Witness, but it sounds like it’s been a major journey in your life.

    I wish I had good advice to give you about how to leave your husband when you have no money – or that I had a magic wand that could turn back time and make everything good again! I think the reason it’s difficult to find articles on HOW to leave a marriage is because every situation is different. My route to divorce is 100% different than yours, and ours are both different than my neighbor’s, or your sister’s, etc. There really is no specific set process or steps on “how to leave your husband” because it is so dependent on your situation and marriage.

    However….one of the best places to start is to all your local Social Services organizations or womens’ resource centers. I have no idea what is available in your area — this is work you have to find time to do. I know it’s stressful, I feel for you! But the stress of staying in this marriage is worse than the stress it’ll take to learn how to leave your husband.

    You won’t find an exact map online or even in person, through a Social Services organization. You need to create this map yourself, one step at a time. YOU CAN DO IT! I know you can do it, I can feel your spirit of survival in your story. Yes, it’s stressful…and yes, you will find healthy ways to deal with the stress.

    Nobody avoids stress. Not even babies, or children, or wives who are totally loved and cherished by their husbands, or Christians, or Jehovah’s Witnesses, or husbands….EVERYBODY has stress in their lives! We must learn how to cope with stress because we will never, ever avoid it. That’s a myth.

    Another step towards leaving your husband is to look at what’s holding you back. It sounds like you’ve done that, and once your oldest is in a dorm, you may be more free to leave. In the meantime, I encourage you to get as emotionally and spiritually healthy as you can! The stronger and more grounded you are, the easier all decisions will be. Well – nothing will be EASY – but you’ll be more confident and peaceful in your choices.

    The most powerful source of wisdom and truth that still, small voice inside of you. Maybe it’s intuition, or God, or the Universe….whatever you call it, it really is the best source of advice you could ever ask for. You need to get quiet and listen to it, for that voice will tell you what you need to know. That voice will tell you what the next step is.

    Here are some questions to ponder, and to help you gain awareness and insight into your own self.

    What is the most difficult aspect of leaving your marriage?

    What specifically scares and worries you about leaving your husband?

    How does staying with your husband keep you safe?

    How does your marriage protect you from being vulnerable or hurt?

    What would it take to make this your marriage painful enough that you would leave your husband even if you had no money or resources?

    What are you not willing to do?

    Which path (staying in this marriage, or learning how to leave your husband) leads to more life, possibilities, and purpose?

    Go where the life is. Find ways to clear noise and clutter of unhealthy attachments, bad relationships, unhappy people. Listen to the still small voice of God – of divine wisdom and power! Be quiet so you can hear.

    Here’s another article that may interest you:

    5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship

    Take care of yourself. Listen for that still small voice – for you are smarter, stronger, and braver than you know. May you find peace, love, joy, compassion, and goodness. May you create a life you love, filled with hope and faith. May you Blossom!!

    In prayer,

    1. Laurie,

      Thank you SO very much for the encouragement. You will never know how much your words mean to me. You give me some truly insightful things to think about. He is around me SO much that I barely have time for anything. It’s hard for me to think straight, to plan, to EVER call social services, anything. I’ve taken the advice of many ladies and will try to begin working on my credit. Though I still don’t know how or where my son and I would live after my daughter is in a dorm.

      My credit is completely shot, I’ve got the IRS judgement on my credit now (even worse), and, now, no job. Well, there’s our business, but I don’t plan to have my name mixed in with that anymore after the end of the year. So, I don’t know how in the world I will qualify for somewhere to live. I have my student loans that I don’t pay all of the time. There’s always one excuse or another from him. If I could figure out HOW I could, at least, pay that on time every month without him knowing about it, that would be golden. Why without him knowing? Because, he’s totally controlling and confrontational. He, apparently, doesn’t want what’s best for me.

      I’ve checked the local women’s shelters – all full. No hope there. I’m not so sure about my family. We are nowhere near as close as we used to be. I just don’t know. ??? Bedsides, he has threatened to do things to them before. I’m not sure how serious he was about that, but who wants to take a chance, right? My city is going through a major boom right now, good for probably being able to find a job (though I haven’t worked for someone else in 9 years. He may have threatened my ex boss after I quit???) and bad because there are no openings for income based apartments. Most apartments are new and go for $1700 and above per month. I’ve considered subleasing (sort of makes me feel uncomfortable). Corporate housing would at least cut out the additional utilities but again I would my credit.

      Then, you think: my life or comfort? It’s all so distressing. I will just have to play it by ear and listen to my instincts. I would like to transition smoothly (for the sake of my kids) but will do what I have to do.

      I appreciate you taking your valuable time to address my concerns. Those questions you listed, I am going to seriously ponder over. That’s real life questions. Thanks.

  125. I, too, am unfortunately involved in a horrible marriage that I fantasize, almost all day everyday, about being out of. I’ve read some posts here, trying to get some ideas on HOW I might leave. I have to say that it’s quite disturbing how many of us have been or are currently in abusive situations. One might think: if this many people can’t get out of their situations, how can I? I choose to maintain a positive attitude, especially because I have kids.

    My situation is SO SO messed up on so many levels. I don’t know where to start.

    Our relationship began in the usual classic narcissistic manner. He was so interesting, complimentary, concerned, and generous when we started out. He just seemed SO into me. I loved that. It turns out that all of that concern was his way of getting an angle on me, to use against me later. Now, we spend tons of time around each other. I can hardly breathe. He is very talkative, including with the ladies. Me, on the other hand. He wants me to pretend that no one is walking around. Don’t talk to them. Don’t be friendly, like in a common pe of way. None of that. In short, he is absolutely controlling, crazy, with an explosive temper if he feels like he isn’t getting his way.

    Now, I’m normally an extremely vocal person. So, I usually voice my concerns. Since I’ve decided that I definitely want to leave, I’ve tried putting everyone’s advice to use by not voicing my opinion. It’s hard though, almost impossible. But, he is like a dog. He can tell something is up. He’s talked about how he isn’t stupid, and I can just give up on my plans . . . He isn’t stupid.

    I feel like the stupid one, ultimately. I gave so much up for this relationship. I will NEVER do it again. I’ve learned my lesson.

    If you know anything about being a Jehovah’s Witness, you know I gave up a lot. We both submitted to that religion, trying to do what’s right. We both realized they had some major bs going there. So, we gave that up. I’ll give him that much. However, he likes to throw up how we should be going and feeds into a lot of their masagonist ideas. It’s too much. My two kids, 11 and 17 from a previous marriage, have to go without doing so many things. and for what? We don’t go there anymore. We know it ain’t where it’s at. But he wants to continue to NOT do any of the things that they stand for. It’s too much.

    I can’t wait to get the oldest into a dorm. After that, it probably won’t be as hard to leave. I don’t know.

    In addition, he doesn’t drive. He messed that up for himself, but always has somewhere he needs to go. Next to his abusive nature is that he will not put his name on nothing. NOTHING. Obviously, i’m like wtf is REALLY going on.

    He is terrible with money. He is a big spender, except not on the things we need (healthcare, good food, house repairs, etc.) And now, there’s a lien against me, on my credit report, from the IRS. I’m over the moon on being pissed off. But, where would we go. How would we get out? Will he make good on his threats against my kids, parents, family? He’s definitely crazy. I’ve seen that.

    I just can’t take it anymore. Everyday life is just so difficult. I have PCOS and am supposed to stay far away from stress. I guess you know, I’m totally stressed. I totally don’t know what I’m going to do. Bad credit, haven’t worked for 9 years, with children, tax an older age. Any suggestions are welcomed.

    1. I have 4 children and my husband knocked out 2 teeth when he assaulted me. Every day i get up and get it together, sometimes with fishing wire and twine, but i am realizing I wont survive, be it physical or mental if I dont leave. I have been saving for months now and progress is slow. What gets me through the moment is visualizing the future where i am free, safe, and most of all, open to good experiences that will come as soon as I am not under his thumb. Its like being in a cell with a view of just a corner of the sky. It is the sky over the place where he can not hurt me anymore. I empathize with you completely.

      1. You need to call mobil crisis and social service.. Immediately
        Never stand for being hit by Anyone ever.
        And even if It only hapoen once…it will happen again eventually.. We tell ourselves oh he didn’t mean to or he promises never to do it again.. Just like they promise not to have a drink..
        Or their sorry… Yah right if they were truely truely they would nit of said it or done it!
        I’m proof of it.. Also married to alcoholic 8 years.. And he promises and he’s sorry..blaaa blaaa blaaa.
        Girl take your babies and call mobile crisis or social services. They can get you out fast and while your husbands at work so he can’t bliw up at you.. They will make you safe.
        And when you do make sure you are totally alone and pour your heart out to them!! They understand what your going threw because some of the workers have been in your shoes. Tell them everything.
        Us women need to stand uo for ourselves against abuse of any kind.

        1. Thanks i know this is right on and am appreciative for the words. Its true. They never change once they crossed the line and hit a woman. It becomes easier for them after that. And the battered one feels fear again and again. I am tired of looking at my body covered with bruises my lover put there hate. Why doesnt he ever take it seriously how hard he hits and how much it hurts. I feel horrible every time I anger him. I shouldnt gel ashamed amd worthless bit i do. I threw my life away on him and he has destroyed everything i had. Its like im waste deep in mud. How can i just swim.

      2. Ksren, please do not let this continue for one more second. You need out now for your sake and for your children’s sake. Even if he has not physically harmed the children yet, you are still allowing them to be in harms way! And they have already been mentally and emotionally harmed.
        Please get them and yourself out now and let your children learn that this is not okay! It is not okay to hurt another and it is not okay to be hurt by another. Even if you don’t want to save your own self, Save them now!

        1. Thanks Victoria. I am still financially trapped and he threatens to find me and take the children away if i tell him i have to leave. He has blocked every exit and sometime i feel like you are right, that i can do it but sometimes i feel like everyone hates me even my mother and children.
          He wont allow me to talk to him and tells me to “suck a d*ck”. He threatens to have me arrested or committed if i wont shut up. I have saved some money but he is ruthless, trying to ruin me. Today i feel utterly hopeless so it was nice to hear what you are saying. Its good advice but i honestly feel like my life has been destroyed and obliterated. I hear word for word what D. Kirk and Squatchd say in the comments below. Its all me, hes a good husband and i am crazy. Its very hard to come up with the wherewithall to go when i know it can get much worse if i leave. I keep planning but it seems more like a pipe dream than a goal. He didnt get violent until i was 7 months pregnant with our 4th child after six years of marriage and knowing his family since i was 12. Today is not a good day because i am afraid to come out of the basement and anger him. I dont know how i got here sometimes and dont know how to unravel myself from him. Its not a good day. I appreciate you giving me strength and motivation but im really unhappy and hopeles today. I dont know where to begin.

          1. In my case, there is no physical abuse. Mental and emotional abuse can make a person so depressed that it is difficult to get out for years upon years. This is where I am. But mental and emotional abuse always accompany physical abuse. So you are triple whammied.

            In my case, I can’t get support from agencies. I never even had children so that decreases my chances for help. It’s just me trying to figure things out for myself and get strength to do what needs to be done.

            But I thought that there was help from agencies for people who are physically abused especially if children are involved. You have Internet access. I guess I’m not understanding why you don’t get away. They can hide you. You can firm choice not to ever contact him again. Isn’t this right?

            You have to do this. You have to get your children away from this. They need to know that it is not okay for people to do this to others. This is up to you. Make sure that they won’t grow up and do it to someone else or let someone do it to them.

            You are not the only one who is being affected by this.

          2. No, it is not you at fault for what he does. I don’t believe that. Don’t let anyone make you think that. Ever. He is wrong! No male should ever use his strength against a female. He is showing his weakness by doing that. He probably would never come against a male physically.

            My concern was the children as well as you should not stay. I have read further down in these comments and I am seeing that people say that the agencies don’t give the right kind of help for you to break free. I thought that was what they existed for. This is terrible. Surely there has got to be a way.

            Please don’t ever let anyone make you feel that what he is doing is your fault. D. Kirk is wrong.

  126. My husband and I have been married almost 15 years. We have 3 kids, 7 and under. He is verbally abusive to me and I really need to get out for my own mental state but also because this is an awful environment for my kids. I am depressed on an almost daily basis. He stays home with our kids. Summer has been awful for the past 2 years. I have been telling him since last summer to get a job if he is so unhappy. He has not. And last Fall he cheated on me with another mom in my daughters class. I work full time but I feel stuck because I can’t afford to support both of us out on our own. His excuse for not working is either he can’t find a job that would cover childcare (I disagree) or he can’t pass a drug test. He does little to nothing to make a change. His priorities are for himself. I work 8-5 Monday to Friday and then come home to the same responsibilities that any other working mom comes home to. He plays baseball on the weekend and is usually gone the entire day on Sunday. He says he deserves that time. But the larger issue is that he wakes up angry and that’s his attitude almost constantly. He is angry before his feet even hit the floor. Telling me what I have already done wrong whether it be with the kids or whatever. Then I get calls at work about you need to come home early so that I can go to the grocery for dinner. He is home all day and doesn’t take care of things like washing clothes, making or planning dinner, washing dishes. If he does any of those things he does them half way and leaves something for me to finish. He says it’s not fair. On the weekend I clean, wash clothes, wash the mountain of dishes, etc. Then he complains and says I am trying to check out from taking care of the kids. I try to explain that people do both but when I am having to make up for a week of nothing done, it takes away time from our weekend. I would love to be spending that time doing something fun. I am tired and worn down. Sick of being talked to like I am dirt. Tired of being called and cussed out while I am at work. Tired of waking up and leaving my house in the morning crying because of the hateful things that were yelled at me or my kids. Tired of coming home to someone that is miserable but takes it out on everyone else and refuses to change. I admit that I am guilty of working late just because I dread coming home. It’s not healthy for any of us but I feel so stuck because he has nothing to support himself.

  127. I have been in married to my husband for 6 years we have a beautiful 5 year old son who is my world. My husband slowly started to take control of everything in my life now I am at the point were all of my family lives clear acrossed the country and I have absolutely no friends I am actually scared to even try to make friends in fear of upseting him. He doesnt physically abuse me he has pushed me a few times but physically no he isnt. He controls everything even though I work fulltime I have no money since he takes it all when I get paid my husband makes 4 times more than me but he takes all of my money so I have nothing to use unless I ask him for funds and give him a good excuse for why I need it. I have to ask permission to go to the store and he checks grocery and shopping bags as well as reciepts whenever I go shoping to ensure I dont buy anything but what he allows the is when he actually lets me leave the house by myself and when I do he ensures that my son is with me at all times. Since he is always accuses me of cheating I have to literally walk with my head down and not say anything about my environment because he feels that out of respect if any man walks by I should not see them or make it look like I see them. He has accused me of cheating on him saying that I am addicted to looking at men even though I never do I am to scared to even look up from the ground to even look at someone by accident. I have no car and whenever I tell him that I want a divorce he threatens to take full custody of my son. The one good thing I can say is that he is a great dad he treats our son completely differently but when it comes to me he will yell at me and degrade me for leaving a wet rag in the sink instead of hanging it up. I feel hurt trapped and pissed at how he treats me. I know that I am a great woman I am smart loving and caring I work full time I take care of our home our son and I go to school but he calls me lazy even though all he ever does is go to work come home and sit on his ass. The horrible part is that even though he treats me this way I still love him and would be the happiest woman in the world if he would just love me the way I needed to be loved. But I know that this is probably a delusion and it will never happen. I want to leave so bad but with no money no car and a young son finding a way out is going to be hard. I do have a plan which is to slowly build my credit find a way to hide some money away so I can leave and get a car so I wont loose my job. I wish all of you the best and I know God is going to continue to watch over us all.

    1. Reading your comment has tears to my eyes. It’s just amazing to see and know I’m not crazy and many other women is going through this same very thing. Having my son is a blessing and it’s more harder to leave but I will remain positive that it will happen. Married to him now for 12 years. He’s an officer in the navy going on 20 years. I will loose my benefit and he will be well off but I know I will have my sanity back. It’s hard without family or friends near by you know. I even find myself going crazy most days and have to remain strong for me almost 2 year old baby. I plan to get money when I grocery in cash back to Open me a saving account. He’s a great father but an abusive emotional and control man and I have suffered long enough. I’m 32 and I will not continue in this.

    2. I’m in a similar situation to yours.. Been in a relationship for 8 yrs. I’m only 23 and we have a 8 month old son. I don’t have a car because he’s lead me all over the place through our time together and I had to sell mine so we could have a place to live and stuff to eat. Now he knows he lead me through all kinds of stuff and now he’s trying to make it up to me or something because he’s been going to work while I stay home with our baby.. He says I’m a good mother and he knows being with my baby makes me happy.. That being said.. It’s crazy our abusers are people there has got to be many other women who have seen their bf or husband be really ‘good’ to them.. However.. Back to the point where I said he put me through hell in the past.. I realized he never really took care of me only takes care of his damn self.. And what motivates me the most to leave him is that I don’t want my son to like him. He’s pushed me twice while holding the baby.. And he hit me when I was about to have the baby.. And when I was pregnant I walked my butt to work everyday And I PAID THE RENT. He gave his money to friends and spent it on drugs. Yeah. Now he says he wants to make it up but the man has zero motivation and hasn’t got up with the baby at all. He did a few times when the baby was around 3 months. Now he lazily lies in bed. And skips work. I am starting a full time job soon. And college. I plan on pretending to be happy with him and lying low to buy a car. Then saving to move. I’m giving the money to my mom so he can’t touch it. If I have to live in a shelter so be it. My family is werid. They wouldn’t take me before I had my son and nothing is different after. They are too caught up in their own stupid realtionships. Must of been where I got the idea to get in mine. This man turned me to do stuff I would never do.. Buy food stamps.. Live with people I hardly know.. To support his lifestyle. Not mine. It’s time I live life my way.

  128. I don’t know of any charities that offer free or inexpensive cars to women who want to leave abusive relationships, but I encourage you to contact a women’s advocate in your community. Different cities, states, and provinces have different resources available to help women who need money to leave their husbands.

    A women’s advocate would know what is available in your area, and be able to help you dig up the help you need.

      1. I would have to say that being a rich country that USA doesn’t really have too much to offer for women with children who wants to leave their abusive husband and a bad marriage. It is written on websites that you will get help from this place or that place but when you actually go to these places for help there is none. A women who takes care for her children can not work until her children are 5 years of age even then the children do not attend school full time. She have to beg her husband to send her children to daycare but it’s too expensive. She works at home cleaning and cooking while her husband sits on his ass at home because he is the one making money. She doesn’t have peace of mind because she is doing her job 24/7. There is very little chance for her to get out of this hell until her children starts to go to school. It is very difficult to find job because she was not working for so long and finds really pathetic jobs that pays nothing. I really think that this country really need to step up and do something for women like me. Having jobs with daycares, having daycares which do not cost arm and a leg. We want our kids safe and sound. I really feel that all having some sort of money Support even before filling for divorce so a women will not go into that hell hole again for financial problems.

  129. I am 27 with a 7 year old and aa 2 year old. I left my oldest sons father when he was only 3 months and moved in with my parents. He was extremely abusive and i never wanted my son to feel scared, see him hurt me or possibly hurt my son. When i got pregnant the second time i planned on an abortion because i was still living with my parents and my boyfriend just started being verbally abusive and i actually broke up with him a week prior to finding out. He refused to help pay for an abortion and said he would change. I was right about the fact he wouldnt change and he doesnt seem to love his own son at all let alone my other son. My 7 year old is old enough to know when matt is in a bad mood and i ask him to go in his room and put on headphones but my 2 year old is witnessing all of the hostility and hears all the nasty things said about me. My car broke down for good finally and he refuses to get me a new one. He manages all the finances i dont have cent to my name and no way to get a job without a car. I need help! Does anyone know of any charities that give used cheap cars and offers help with getting a part time job? I want to be able to be on my own with my children safe and not learning to be abusive and angry like their fathers.

  130. You have the courage and strength to share what you’re going through here…and that’s the first step towards getting money to leave your husband and take care of yourself! You may not be ready yet, but you will be ready one day.

    I wrote this article – 5 Secrets for Surviving When You Have No Money – for you:

    You are stronger than you think, smarter than you believe, and more courageous than you know. Do you believe this?


  131. I have been married for 4 years with my husband. In the beginning of our relationship he seemed perfect, he doesn’t drink, party, or cheat. But later in our relationship I found out that he has a mental illness where he gets angry very easily. This has caused countless arguments.
    But by the time I found out about it I was pregnant with our first child and having complications.
    So I tried to make it work…But he kept manipulating me and threatening to leave me, emotionaly abused me, saying such things like, you are not worth living, you were a mistake, but just days later when he was nice again I mention it to him and he claimed he never said it??
    This has happened so many times but he always does or says something different that hurts me. I ended up pregnant again…But after months of him ignoring me and our growing baby in my womb and our 2 year old son…he finally called me and wanted to meet up…
    He got a hotel and sleeper with me, because he didn’t want me to know where he lived. At the very end of my pregnancy, when I only had a month left he took me back and we got a new apartment….Now our baby girl is 7 month and our boy is going to be three…
    He is still threatening to leave me..His problem is he can’t commit…I’m his 6th wife…
    I wish I wasn’t so blind to all of this for so long…
    But now I’m stuck…I can’t leave my husband because I have no money…I have no way…

  132. Hi, I am in a weird situation. I am not going through domestic violence, but I am living a life since being with this man that I seem to be in a constant state of confusion. Every time I think he’s ok he does something that really offends, hurts me and makes me think about leaving him. We have been married almost 5 years now and the thing that seems to get me the most besides our financial hardships is he keeps getting my character or intentions wrong. He accuse me of things that is not even my character. I think to myself how can you spend so much time with me and don’t really know me? It really makes no sense. He is a veteran but he finds ways to stay unemployed or underemployed so we can’t buy a house with his VA loan, we have a complete family now with children, he doesn’t seem to want the best for them. It’s like he’s got some thought in his head and is opporating from it and if I dare find out what it is I would probably leave him right away. He is good at helping the kids get homework done, looking out for me in general, but when it comes to really doing for this family he is not motivated and I can’t understand that. What makes things really hard is that I am a black woman and there really isn’t any real support for women like me out there. I am judged harshly by society as it is and not supported. I noticed when other races of women are in bad predicaments people want to lend a helping hand (sometimes), but for black women they some how think that you deserve it, they don’t care or that you did something wrong. So a lot of black women suffer in silence. I really, really just don’t know what to do. Any suggestions? Thanks.

    1. Hi DW. It is so interesting reading reading your comments as it seems so much like something I would have written. Except I am white.
      In fact, the very reason i am on this site is because of the way my man treats me, I keep thinking I should get out. He thinks that I am someone that I’m not. I don’t have friends or any support because I have allowed him to put me into this condition. And I have to constantly defend myself against accusations. I have been the main financial support and bill payer. And I have always come after his family.
      I have suffered alone in silence for many years now. I am not sure why you think it is a racial matter. I do not believe it is. I have always thought it is a male vs female matter. It just seems to me that unless both sides want it to work, and both work at it, it won’t. Communication between the sexes is very difficult. And this will work only if the two can get past self.
      I have searched and searched for help and not received from organizations. But I did find much help when I started to seek God. When I started praying a lot and reading the Bible and asking for help and understanding.
      But it is still very difficult when he doesn’t want the same thing. And I still don’t have hardly any human contact.

      1. Victoria and DW…same here. No physical abuse (well, for the most part) but mental “games” like you describe. Gaslighting, emotional abuse, telling me I’m doing things that I am not doing, blaming me to justify his horrible actions, not contributing to the planning and well-being of the family and household, but insisting that he gets what he wants. He agrees to things, only to tell me later he’s changed his mind, or never agreed, or that I had done or said things I didn’t say or do. It’s like a total mind-screw. It takes time to figure it out. It causes distress, depression, embarrassment and more. Reading these things helps me to NOT question what I believe is happening, what i KNOW is happening. Typing this helps this to be be real for me too. I’m constantly questioning myself and my sanity. But that’s what he wants, right? I am sane. You are sane. We are strong. This is NOT RIGHT. I am making plans to leave.

        1. I think we see a lot of patterns of long-term issues here. We ask ourselves why and how did we walk ourselves into these situations? We want to know we aren’t the crazy our lives have made of us. We aren’t alone, but as the piece states, there are no easy answers. Sometimes the out doesn’t present itself until you’re ready to do the work.

          I grew up in an abusive household, thought I knew all the signs and symptoms and swore it would never happen again.
          Married military because I was military (already a single parent from abusive ex). The guy I married was the first person in my life who appeared to believe in me. I was SO taken!
          Got out to raise our kids during his deployments. Paid off his debt for him during first one (said it was his ex’s fault), and saved him many thousands the next. Never cheated, always showed support. Got a BA (so proud after being a small-town drop-out); but now, haven’t found any way to get a job with it.
          Now I have 12 years with someone who has systematically taken everything. Can’t have friends even call while he’s home. Two kids, college Dept, no family/friends, no car, not allowed to have money, can’t do anything without being told I’m wrong or weak. He plays mind games like a pro, and suddenly I realize he’s been doing them all along but I was too trusting. He’s thrown us into debt time and time again and won’t talk to me about it. Now, he’s even forced me to homeschool the kids because he wouldn’t take them to the school to get registered; even turned it into my fault.
          He also has stated many times he’d take the kids away – even has tried to turn them on me. With a daughter going to college soon, I can’t see leaving before that can happen.
          There are times I wonder if I’ll make it; then, I realize I must. Because to give up is not only giving in to him, letting him win, it’s also giving up on myself.

          BUT…with all that being said, everyone has come here looking for help. That, in itself, is the best step. The first. The moment you know, somewhere in you that you’re worth more. I’m proud because I haven’t given up. All of us should know that. Find the steps YOU need to take and GET OUT. You don’t deserve whatever you are suffering. Hang in there, and keep trying!

  133. I’m 53 years old. My husband screams at me for nothing. He only gives me a few dollars a month so I can buy shampoo and toothpaste. He forced me to work for him for the past 23 years. No pay check.. No social security paid in. I have nothing for retirement. He will not give money for groceries. He has to go to the grocery store on a daily basis to get the what he thinks we need. I hate him and the life he makes me live. I have no money. I want a real life. I want to leave him and start a life of freedom before I die. But.. There is no help to get away. I’m at the point that I’d rather be dead than live another day without some type of freedom.. Happiness..just want to work and be independent. I’ve worked as a paralegal for 23 years for him. I want a life. Or maybe he’ll just go ahead a kill me and I can have freedom then. There is no hope for me left.

    1. Think outside the box. Do you file jointly? You may be able apply for a credit card or loan in your own name and wont need his signature. I have done this. I am by no means telling you debt is a great idea BUT if there is a choice between leavin abuse and a little debt, I will take debt. There are options to get help with debt BUT there is no help with an abusi e spouse. You can talk to a therapist, family, friend, etc but unless you’re bleeding, they leave the decision to you on how to help yourself. So do it

      1. Just take all the money out of his bank account or sell his stuff its yours too because you are time my boyfriend stole money from me called the cops and they said it didnt matter because we lived together just sell all his crap dont kill yourself bc of that asshole we all die sooner or later might as well keep living til u die.

    2. oh my and Amen!!! I am 54 and gave up everything I had left for Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde! Charming, caring, put me on a pedestal until I had nothing and he had control. Now every time I have anything that I bring up that he does that is inconsiderate ( like making me wait with dinner with no clue where he is) he says ” get the f #&% out!!!!! With no where to go I have been taking it . I would give the shirt off my back to help someone but you would think with family and friends I could get a lift up, but they only listen and say ” get out and good luck” What I wouldn’t do to leave today to be able to walk out and watch his head explode. It’s all about the control. I’m not even married to this piece of work but I am on a mission to be free. The only problem I see is my age. It’s hard to get work that pays enough to be on my own on top of having to get another car, security deposit, rent, insurance etc… SO overwhelming!!! Please don’t give up. Where a door closes a window will open!!! I’m right there with you sister!!!!

      1. Well I’m 63 and been married for 20 years. The last 10 has been horrible. I was stupid enough to remarry him after he cheated on me with someone young enough to be his daughter. He is bypolar which makes him go from happy, sad, to out right A – Hole. It got so bad that I put him out,& changed the locks. He was so out of control that he lived in his car and finally lived in the casino’s lounge. I guess I took him back cause I felt sorry for him even though he was mentally abusive. Now he drinks every day, hardly works, passes out on the sofa @ 5pm,every night. He is no longer a provider, mate, or companion. We are very close to being homeless. I’m tired of living this hopeless life but I don’t have the money to leave. I know having a plan and a road map to a new life is a great beginning. I’ve been there with 2 kids with my first husband who didn’t allow me to work. He was physical and mentally abusive and controlling. I wanted to die, in fact I did try to kill myself. But when I didn’t die, i got up and out of the hospital bed and got a NEW attitude. With no job experience, no money but what he gave me, I figured it out. It took me 5 years to get him out of my life. So I’m sharing this story with all the mothers that feel trapped and alone. You can do it. Keep the faith

      2. Im simply astonished at the sheer number of men who act this way. I was in the bank opening my personal account when the agent asked me what was wrong seeing my tear stained eyes and wow, wouldnt you know it shes been through it too. Too many people I meet say exactly the same story and its such a quiet national shame that always ends up swept under the rug. I empathize completely. Wish i knew how to do more.

    3. I am in a similar situation. I am 40 and have been with my boyfriend for 15 years. I “work” for him but receive no paycheck. He says i dont need a psycheck since he pays all my bills. He stays out all night, cheats, goes to strip clubs and just treats me like the help. I have two older kids that aren’t his and a 3 yr old who is.
      I basically run his company for him because he is too busy spending time with his strippers to do it himself.
      I have access to his bank accounts but he threatens me with arrest if I take out more than what I need to pay bills or run the company.
      Is he able to press charges if I just take the money and run?

  134. Well, I’ve been married 5 years& was forced to leave the place we had. I recently got hit by a truck on my bicycle so I can’t work right now. I always gave all the money I made to my husband, ALWAYS. He has a better job now& throws every penny he spends on me in my face. Because I couldn’t help support us financially we lost my childhood home I have lived in my whole life. 30years of things I had to go through alone was traumatic enough. He is an alcoholic& verbally abused me pretty much everyday. He also hit me. Beat me while I was still having trouble walking& using a cane. I lied for him, kept it a secret as much as I could. It didn’t matter what I did I was wrong,stupid,useless& every other awful thing you can say to someone who you claim to love. He forced me out with nowhere to go,not a dime to my name& completely broken. I’ve never had to depend on anyone’s totally new to me. In the last 8 months I’ve gotten run over& almost died,lost the only home I’ve ever known,had my father choose his new wife over me & been left by the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Everyone is telling me I’ve done the right thing but it doesn’t feel right. I’m beside myself. But at the same time I know it would have continued if I stayed& it’s better this way. I was always fiercely independent& he broke me down.that’s not what a truly healthy relationship does. I’m only 29 so I know I can start over. Things just look so bleak right now& I guess I just wanted to share my awful experience so it might help someone get out before the abuse gets out of hand. I have no idea what I’m going to do or how things will turn out but I think this is the bottom for me so I can only go up right?

    1. Oh my, I am so sorry for the pain u r going thru right now-and not to sound callous- but I am very glad this is a recent comment about how to get money to leave your husband – so that I might be able to tell u something of use in good time…!?
      **Beautiful beginnings are sometimes disguised as painful endings**- so if yours is something to go by then u have a lot to look forward to!
      This is a biggy and the universe never dishes out more than u can handle.
      Try and analyse the meaning behind these events without emotion- when u can- and synchronicity can help u flow in the right direction. Also keep an eye out for messages / guidance from your “guardian angels” or whatever u might call it/them – like messages on number plates, repeating numbers, animal encounters…and remember they cannot help if u do not specifically ask / allow it. No, I’m not a kook-it’s just a suggestion-if it’s not for u that’s ok – but it won’t hurt either! Wishing u a fabulous life! xox

  135. Iam in an abusive marriage also seems like a lot of us Women is going thru this today its been 9 years i ive been Married n it’s been nine years of pure hell!! the problem is my husband doesn’t talk to me at all it’s call the silent treatment.The worse kind of abuse a woman can go thru .just imagine being in a house with a man n he toatlly ignores u dont tells u Nothing!! At All Iam also in the process of leaving but not financially able now but believe in Name of Jesus i will leave soon trying to get help from organization n my Family members

    1. Hi Dee – My husband does this too. The silent treatment for weeks and months on end. If I try to broach a subject I am met with a verbal assault about all this stuff that I do and he won’t stand for and I basically can’t get a word in edgewise even thought he acts like he’s having a two way conversation, talking for me and then yelling at me at the answers he just spoke on my behalf. The silent treatment is the ultimate abandonment. Our marriage counselor then looks at me and asks what my role is in all of this. Really?! It’s appalling. I fantasize about leaving. How is it that so many men are like this?

  136. I’m writing this post locked in the bathroom. He’s knocking on the door and just tried to take the door nob off. I wish I could say that he was beating me but he’s not. He’s nice and kind and gentle and all that at times– he’s the one who got me out of my abusive situation with my narcissistic family who bullied me and scapegoated me from birth. He found out about narcissism and helped educate me on it. We realized together that his father was also a sadistic narcissist, although not physically and sexually abusive like my family. His abuse was all mental, and that’s what he is doing to me. I can’t take the emotional and psychological abuse anymore. I’m just trying to start over, live my life, and be happy again. I’m 26 years old and despite the hell that I went through being the daughter of 2 cult leader sociopaths, I’ve never stopped believing in myself and in my dreams and because of this I’ve had so many incredible opportunities and am starting a career for myself as a creative director and fashion stylist. I’m so close to landing my dreams and supporting myself I can feel it!! Even despite social anxiety, crippling ptsd, barely any money I’ve made the most of what I’ve had my entire life and there are miracles all around me. I’ve been with my husband for 6 years, married for 1. It’s such a long story, he used to be an alcoholic and stopped drinking. He improved himself and lost a bunch of weight. Our relationship got better. But I don’t know if it’s good enough. He controls all the money, I can barely work because like I mentioned above I broke through amnesia and Stockholm syndrome 9 months ago to realize I had been spiritually, ritually, sexually, emotionally, etc. (all forms!) abused by my parents. We moved to the city and away from them right after, so I could work towards my dreams and heal. So here I am healing but I realize now he is like them too. I can’t even trust my own sister because she is/was abusing me too. Literally EVERYONE in my life has abused me in horrific ways, I don’t mean to have the victim mentality but I see it now. I don’t know what I am going to do, but I believe in all these miracles I have manifested literally OUT OF NOWHERE. So somehow I am going to manifest my way out of this. I am going to start a fund to help other women in similar situations. Thank you all for reading this scattered message. Peace be with you all.

    1. I would like to be your friend. I have never experienced the things you have, but I have my own story -as I guess we all do- and I am also alone and stuck with a controlling abuser. I have been with mine a lot longer -partly because I kept bouncing between him and my equally toxic mother. We also have kids -who don’t want me to leave him- which complicates everything, believe me. Like so many women I know the biggest mistake that I have made is not leaving sooner. Yes, it’s hard with young children, but looking back, it would have been a lot easier when they didn’t have opinions about it and before I had this guilt of letting them see this and learn from their father. Now I have the added depression of feeling old and letting him take away the best years of my life. You may feel that your life is bad right now, but maybe this will help a little -you have some things that I wish I could have. You are young. You have been with him a short time and have no children together, you made it to the city and you have the world and your dreams at your fingertips. Get out, get away -don’t look back. Get well first, if you have to, but DON’T GET PREGNANT. Personally, I think that you would heal faster in your own little place, working toward your dreams. I would LOVE to be able to do that, AND YOU ARE RIGHT THERE! You can almost touch it. Don’t let him steal your dreams and life from you. You are not alone 🙂

  137. Its insane to think so many woman are going through this. Im terrified of leaving. I have no job. Two kids with him. He’s a disable veteran who was wounded in Iraq. Im 26. Ive stood by him through everything and Im to the point I cant do it anymore… Ive stuck around for soo long just for my children. Im so unhappy and I dont know how to leave. Im scared of losing my children he threatns he’ll take them! I dont think he can. He has no reason he could other than hes the father. Im not an unfit parent. Im just scared he could get them and they’re my world! Im scared of going through a messy divorce. I dont know what that’s like.. I dont know anything about it.. I need help. Guidance.. Something. I dont wanna do this anymore! Im tired… Soooo tired of suffering and soo tired of fighting every single day with him. Hes not the same person I married. And honestly the feelings just arent there anymore… Anyone have any suggestions? Advice??

    1. Im going thru it now, need money to leave my husband. 17 yrs of marriage to a bipolar narcissist who was an illegal – he threatened to take the kids to mexico n Id never see them again. if ur telling the truth, the parenting investigator in court WILL listen. They can tell. Its a long road, but better poor but safe.just dont do any wrong or illegal things, no matter how much he pushes n threatens you, stay in a church support group, even if you dont feel like it, keep going…keep going….be honest – tell your fears…it will come out in your favor.

  138. I need help, I’m 29 and married to a complete narcissist we have 7 children 5 biologically mine and he controlls everything and everyone I need out but I have nothing No job no friends no family because he’s made it so. My oldest is a teenage girl who is becoming more aware of the bad situation and a little depressed her self about it. I really need to get away from this situation I’m hurting all of the time I don’t even want to get out of bed 90 percent of my day. I’ve tried to find help locally but I’m constantly told there’s no funds for me and I know if I can just get the money for an apartment I can make my life and my children’s lives better. I wish there was some help for me I don’t want to live this way anymore I want to live happy with my kids so bad it hurts!

  139. Well, it makes me feel a little better knowing I am not the only person who stays in a relationship just for the simple fact that I don’t know how to leave. Yet, on the other hand, it is terrible knowing there are so many people out there that are like this. I am 34, I have been married 10 years. I honestly feel like I have been pushed to the point of hating him. We have 3 kids, the oldest is not his biologically he has raised her from birth. Now that she is a teenager, she is beginning to see the things that I go through. In the beginning he was a little controlling, but I brushed it off. Then it progressed. He was allowed to have friends and family, but I was not. With three small children, at the time, he would leave and go out with friends all hours of the night. I would stay home with the kids. I am not one to really “go out” ever. I don’t want to drink, I have never done drugs, it just isn’t really my thing. I also enjoy having my kids with me. I like to do things with them involved. He eliminated all of my friends and alienated MOST of my family. Over the years, I got lonely and created a Facebook page. He did not want me to do this, but eventually he caved and “allowed” it. I reconnected with some friends and made some new ones (coworkers, etc) and he “friended” them as well. I had a few family members and friends who wanted to try to get together. See me, see the kids, etc. I never ever once made plans with any of them without including him. I always invited him and asked him to come with me. He forbid it. He would NOT allow it for one minute. We share a car, and anytime I had plans to do something he would leave and force me to cancel my plans. He has now gotten to a point of not allowing a relationship with HIS family. Claiming that if I am close to his sister we will just talk bad about him. So, he doesn’t want me to talk to his sister anymore. Any person I become friendly with, he cuts them out of our lives and doesn’t allow it. He is not involved in the kids at all. He claims he loves them and cares for them. Yet, he won’t go to their school performances. He won’t be involved in homework, conferences, nothing. He treats my daughter the way he treats me. Everything that goes wrong, a drink is spilled, something breaks, etc it is ALWAYS my fault or her fault. He calls me EVERY single name you can think of in front of the kids. He wonders why none of us ever want to be in the same room with him. We have all gotten to where we just do not like him. His whole presence is just negative and mean. He is a hermit now and refuses to really do anything at all. He won’t play with the kids, he won’t go out to dinner, etc. On Easter this year we went to his families house for a huge Easter get together. It was the most fun I have had in a really long time. The entire time we were there he gave me evil looks telling me he wants to leave. Then come to find out later that two of his uncles were sitting in the living room talking VERY perverted about me. He was there in the room, and he was condoning it. Someone else in the family texted me that night and told me about it. He was talking about me like that as well. I am not even a person to him. I am an object I guess. I gained some weight, I am normally a very small frame. I got up to about 130 pounds. He would constantly tell me how fat I was. I have recently started dieting and eating healthy and working out. Not because of him, because of my own self esteem. I have lost about 15 pounds. I am feeling better and I think looking better. NOW he insults me telling me I look like a drug addict and that I am too skinny. Nothing I ever do is good enough for him. The difference between myself and some of the other women I see that are in this kind of abusive relationship is this: I don’t feel down about myself. I do not feel like a victim I do not feel like he has torn down my self esteem. I feel more pissed off than anything. I know I am a good mom. I have been a good wife to him for years. I have always had my own job, money, etc. He is NOT allowed to mess with my self worth! Here is where I may seem to contradict myself. I am stuck. While I may have a good job, and a little extra money. I do not have my own car, and I do not make enough to support myself and three kids all alone. I don’t know what else to do. I feel stuck until the children are older. Then what?! There has to be answers. I have called shelters and other things you can do. None of these programs help a WORKING mother. I do not know what to do. I have been looking for answers for years, and I come up with nothing. I sympathize with every single one of you. He doesn’t deserve you. You are better than him, and your kids are better than him. When the time comes and a way comes along all of us will be where we need to be. Just keep your heads up and know that there are answers out there, maybe we just aren’t asking the right questions?

  140. I turned 26 20 days ago and I was mesmerized by a man 15 years my senior almost 4 years ago. All the promises of the wonderful life he’d give me, All the things and memories we could make and do together.
    Instead I got a man who controls my every move. I’m not allowed to have friends or money. I have no family and even though there isn’t much help for women with children, this had been even more obvious by the replies to this article, I have no children and I can tell you from experience there is NO help out there for women without them. If I leave I’ll be homeless, penniless, no vehicle, and since I haven’t been allowed to work and was not aloud to finish school, per his orders even though I was already part way through and enrolled when we married, it’s almost impossible to find legitimate work. So basically I feel the world has left me with the most appealing option of burger flipping, if I’m “lucky”, and living in some group home where I get to be the victim everyone wants me to be and that’s a role I refuse to play. I have Jesus even though he’s never supported that either but it just feels like there is no out. I feel sometimes short of death this hell on earth is the fate I’ve been doomed too. And I also agree with the earlier comment can collections and coupons won’t save me. He may not hit me but I think some times it would be much better than the mental, emotional, and financial abuse and control is far worse. I’ve been physically abused on occasion by him but it’s my fault either I “start” it or I have a “history” so he has a right. Atleast those marks heal. I’m at the point I think there isn’t anything to save me. I damn sure can’t find any means of help since there isn’t any programs and with no fam and since he’s been so successful at alienating me from anyone and everyone I guess this is my own personal hell.

    1. I was in your situation without a job and no kid. I always like medical office jobs so I volunteered at one for a good while to Build up credential and a resume. I now have a son with him and wish I had gotten out before this cuz it complicates leaving. It’s harder with kid or kids. Take use of this please.

  141. Wow I can’t believe there is so many of us going thru the same, I feel that we are f**kd from birth.
    This is extremely sad.
    When you have children/illness/nor carrier/no family is really very difficult to get out.
    Let’s be realistic, selling some cans and clothing here and there won’t be enough for rent or food or anything, life is so extremely expensive, If we struggle married, single your practically doomed to live in poverty, wich is the reason why most of us can’t freaking leave.
    Im sick of this pos, I wish I had some family to help me out, I have two lil boys and a girl on the way, I’ve been very ill, I don’t want my kids in a shelter, I’ve heard very bad stories.
    This is just too difficult and painful.
    It would be nice if we could all make a group so we can talk to each other about our situation, I’ll leave my email in case anyone feels like talking
    wendy_bluecookie at

    1. I know you believe youre not getting affected by him… but you are. A woman who wasnt abused would NOT put up for even two minutes of what is going on. She’d leave. Im no income and stuck with an abuser with LOTS of income. Id leave if I was able. But he is still allowed to see the kids under supervision – its still breaking me down inside, and Im still not free. Im broken inside…I see healthy free non abused women and theyd never put up with what I have to and do…I dont know how to get free of him, but still let the kids be with him & also abused?? No way….so I go with to the visits….Just stuck….and still no money….

    2. This is the truest most on point and articulate description of my life i have ever heard. I agree with you and know what we are up against. The nearly impossible task of getting blood from a stone. I feel like i threw my life away on someone who took it and destroyed it. I have two degrees and skills but i dont even believe that can help. And honestly i dont see how i can even get a job i am such a nervous wreck. I used to have confidence, dreams and ambition. What tf happened to me???

  142. I recommend trying online surveys if you want to get money to leave your husband. Mint vine is my favorite because I have made the most money from it. The longer you stick with it, the more money you make. I have been a member for 8 months and I only do about 3 surveys a day and I still average about 30 dollars a week which adds up quickly for minimal effort.

  143. I’ve read through a lot of these comments, and for the most part many are really good. But let’s face some cold hard facts. It’s hard to leave an abusive partner when you have no money. Yes everyone, feel bad for you, yes there are many agency out there to lend a hand. But the simple fact is many of these programs are geared towards keeping you a victim mindset. You’ve left, what are your options? A shelter? Counseling? A shoulder to cry on. What about the woman that is fed up with being a victim and just wants to get on with her life? What about the lady that wants to pack up and get as far away from the jerk as she can, does not want to languish in a shelter while they hum ha, let’s talk about it, poor poor you!!! That sucks! Where are the organizations that give true financial help in getting the hell out and staying out. How about FUNDS!!! Real funds!!!! For a Uhaul, gas money, hotel fare, and food money, and rental deposit for when she gets where she is going. That’s real! That’s help. And of course we will hear, well many of them go back and that would be a waste of our funds. Really? If she is crazy enough to return after getting a real opportunity to get out. Make her and the jerk she returns to financially responsible to return the grant or loan as it were. But don’t keep punishing those of us who truly want out and just lack the funds to do so.

    1. Catherine!!! This is what I am dealing with right now. SAM for 20 years. Husband mentally and financially abusive. Everyone wants to hear my sad story…but no one wants to help with REAL FUNDS. So I am stuck here until I raise enough funds to get out. Secretly working to build my nest egg until I can break free. Thank you so much for expressing what is REALLY happening to scores of women everywhere .

    2. Yes Catherine you are right bcuz I am guilty of it myself! I have left numerous in my 17 year marriage to have no other choice but to come back. There was even one time that he gave me the money to leave but of course it wasn’t near enough. I am just so hurt and confused as to how someone can be so immuned to love and its surroundings. Did he really just not know that I was down sick when he got totally pissed at me for the kitchen being dirty? Really? Does he truly “just not know” or “understand” what his duties are as a husband, although I have even gone over them with him 1001 timeS? While he sits, staring at me NEVER saying a word. Then coming up with a reason to leave my presence. It all began 2 years into our marriage. When I realized it then… I knew then… It was over! I asked him if we could please just divorce so that he could find someone to make him happy and so we didn’t put the kids through hell. He refused. Oh things have worsened. I am now in the worst depressed state I have ever been in, he hasn’t helped me with any of my goals or dreams so I have NOTHING, so I’m STUCK!! I have diseases and conditions and must have insurance which he supplies from his work and I have no job, no money, and I’m not allowed to spend his money. Therefore, I’m screwed! I am working on a solution to my problem tho and I think I almost have it!!! I wish everyone the best of luck!! I know this is the saddest most hurtful depressing thing I have ever gone thru. It has completely been my life for 15 years, I have been begging him to love me!! Well, I’m sorry to say, I cannot do it any longer! I hope God will forgive me, I seriously cannot go on this way!! I cannot see someone I dearly love this unhappy any longer!!!

        1. I’m 29 and on my 11th year of marriage, 12th year together. 3 have 3 kids. I’ve never had a job, he was in the military for 7 years of our marriage and working didn’t make much sense. Now he loses his jobs left and right and we are always broke. He tells at me and tells me that I ruined his life and that I don’t do enough. Even though social services said it didn’t make sense for me to work, it would all go to childcare. No way to leave.. no money, no family…. no choice. As much as it sucks, it seems like a better option to stay and know we have a roof over our heads, than to walk away with nothing, no job experience.. no money. It’s impossible to leave once you have been committed to not working for so long. I’ve been called so many names… I don’t expect much from him, just for him to do as he promised and provide for us. Because I cant. He’s not capable of handling the house and kids. Something he’s made clear over the years.

    3. Hi..O yah..I’ve been in this cycle for 24 Yrs..I’ve lost My Career..My Health My Pets.. He Ruined My Credit and now I’ve Been Living in a Bedbug Roach Motel for the last Three Yrs because We We’re Evicted.. I’ve been to so many Agencies..and they don’t Help worth nothing unless Your willing to jump through all their legal hoops. file OP against the whole Police n Court Routine. They wouldn’t even give Me a free Bed when I was sleeping on the floor for years..I live in Chgo..Rents for Studio Aot.are zoo expensive and I have 2 little dogs and bad credit..Maybe Sec8 or HUD but it’s hard because I’m a 56 Yr white woman with no kids. I’m so sick n sleep deprived cause this Asshole drinks every nite n keeps Me Up so I can’t even function or get a job or even do normal Appt s from 8-6pm..Its a Long waiting list for Sec 8 Housing 5-10 Yrs..I applied for Medical n SSI n Food Card but it’s so Minimal I can’t even pay the Rent for a Studio and let’s talk about Owning a Car or Car Repairs or Emergency Vet IR other unexpected problems..Reality is having a regular source of Income…Who wants to live in a Shelter?? How much more humiliation does One need..U are Spot on !! Real Money to Move out of State and even Supporting an Aot.for 6 months realistically because Unemployment is another reality for women in their 50s.We need work skills n $$$..Our Government spends billions on war machines rather than Woman trying to just start over at Midlife.. Il Pray for U and Ur a strong Woman.. Me too..Use all if Your good resource Friends..also for help..I wish I got out Years ago before My Life became a living Hell..I don’t even have a honeymoon cycle He’s Just nonstop Abusive. Rageaholics Alcoholic.. Have to remember Who I was before I met Him which was a Beautiful Calm Peaceful loving Woman.All I feel is dissention n Evil towds this Man.of My Bad Karma..turned Me soo Bitter from My True Self..I will somehow someway escape this Year no matter what.

    4. You are right. My story is ironic. My career was spent as the director of a domestic violence & sexual assault agency…I later married a defense attorney. He turned out to be a horrific abuser. It really can happen to anyone. He is well respected. My story is like everyone else’s…its hard to write about. I am so trapped, its like prison…there is no help at all. He is very powerful. Everyday I spend jn a state of anxious confusion…knowing he will kill me soon. He is a monster, that everyone loves. I used to run dv shelters, so I know they are out of the question. I also know that he volunteers for our local one…bc he is such a ‘nice guy’…and we would never be safe there anyway. I wish I had something better to say. I began my career bc I truly wanted to help women…and thought I could.

  144. Wow.. with all the comments on this page, just imagine what all of us could do for each other, together if that were possible. It is so sad and disheartening to see so many people having such similar horrible circumstances. And I can relate, since i want desperately to take my young son and myself out of our current situation and don’t have a clue how I possibly can.

    1. It is sad, but it helps to see others in the same boat. I promise you, if I ever get the opportunity, I want to start a grant fund for victims of emotional and financial abuse.

    2. I am having the same thoughts as I scroll through all of these comments. It’s all so sad. I had no idea that the agencies were not very helpful. I never tried because I figured they only help people who have children. But the way it sounds from the comments, they are not doing the right things to help. Surely, those who have been through the system should be a part of the planning process for these agencies.

  145. I am 26 I have three kids ages 7,3 and 2 years old. My boyfriend is 31. I have been in this relationship for 8 1/2 years but not married. I met him when I was 18 and I first moved in with him after not being together no longer than six months because he gave me a black eye “on accident” which was the first time he introduced me to his father. While living there we fought physically almost everyday and always have accused me of sleeping with other people even until this day because when we met I was talking to someone else. Fast forward, we been through so much stuff but when he is in a good mood all is well, but when he get in his accusation mood I turn into a baby and non stop crying. He call me a hoe and I should get paid, he tells me I have sex with our neighbors his co workers the stranger across the street or if I even look at anyone. He calls me a b***h, but then says sorry for everything when he’s done and says he loves me and wants to be with me forever and doesn’t ever want me to leave and he didn’t mean that stuff and only said it because he’s mad and doesn’t trust me. He gives me mixed emotions. I feel like I’m always sad and unhappy. I do everything besides take care of us financially. I go to school full time and stay home with my two youngest everyday all day, pickup my daughter to and from school everyday, cook, clean, do laundry just everything for him and this family, I’m loyal faithful and dedicated but yet I get treated like crap. I have no job, no car, no money to leave. Where do I go….I’m scared I want to leave but then I don’t want to leave because my kids. He tell my kids “mommy want to take you away from me” and my 7 year old understands that. Even something as silly as starting my period I feel like I have to tell him when I start because if I don’t I’ll get in trouble. Like it always starts an argument and turns into I’m pms because Ima Seeing someone else, why r u singing that song who are u thinking about, what are u doing on your phone, why is your phone beeping and I say because my emails then he says who’s emailing you. Everything I do everything I am is wrong for home but then he says he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me and wants to see me do good. He has my mind confused and hurt. Idk what to do. He makes me feel like everything is my fault every single thing. I can recall many times things he has done to me. We had an altercation after him accusing me and healing in front of my kids at me
    He charged at me while I was cooking and I had a knife and I cut his chest a little bit then he charged me to the couch by my neck choking me in front of my 3 kids and niece and nephew. I no everyone says just leave just leave its not easy. I have no place to live other than with him and no car to get anywhere to leave to. I have many more stories and sometimes I feel if it wasn’t for my kids I probably would have committed suicide already.

    1. I know the feeling. Been 13 years for me. 2 kids later. Left him numberous times but always come back. The last time I left him he stalked me for months. I feel hopeless. I don’t like that he calls me names in front of our kids. I don’t want them to think its ok. My dad abused my mom.. Probably why I’m here in this situation today. He yells at me for the dumbest stuff. Belittles me everyday. I did try to kill myself once. He doesn’t know that. I told him recently I want to leave and I can’t do this anymore. He threatened to kill himself. Today was his birthday.. His parents took us out to dinner. At the end of dinner the baby wouldn’t stop crying. I kept asking if we could go. He had a beer left and his dessert on the way. He ingored my comments about leaving for baby is tired and crying. He finally agrees to leave then drills into me in the parking lot. Saying I ruined his birthday again like every yr. that I’m lazy and don’t take care of the kids… Both my kids were w us. I sat in silence the whole drive home. I have no self esteem. I lost myself. I’m so lonely. I’m beyond depressed. i tried telling him i was depressed and was thinking of getting on anti depressants. he tells me no. i dont need “drugs”. i just need to take care of myself. i think about taking the pills and hiding it from him. Sometimes I wish I never would have had kids w him but I love my kids so much. If it wasn’t for my kids I would have killed myself by now. I just wish I could get away from him.go somewhere he can’t find me.

    2. Wow why does this sound so familiar? How is it possible that MOST men are like this? Then they call US insecure?! It is sad that im here reading this because that means im not alone. I have a almost 3yo and ive been with this guy for 14 yrs nx month. I think at this point im more angry at myself. I left him for 2 months and he managed to make me feel like i was still stuck and i ended up coming back to the house. He got my mom (were i was staying) evicted by calling the code expection on my moms place where we later found out wasnt legally rentable. I had no choice but to come back. Because like many have said here , it better to hv a roof over our childs head. He already has 3 DV charges and is going to trial to fight it. I feel so soo stupid for coming back because his promises of change where short lived. Loke many of you I have no job no money and to top it off he’s home EVERYDAY since feb due to a auto accident he had. He suffers with epileptic seizures and even LIKE THAT hes still a monster in my eyes. I find myself full of hate for him all i wanna do is run away. But with a small child, no money, no car …..thats very hard 2 do. We had cps come and i even protected him out of fear that if he got in trouble it would come back 2 me. I have an anxiety disorder thanks to his abuse over the years and he knows how to trigger my anxiety and then plays the ” you’re mental ” card. He used to drink but stopped after a motorcycle accident he had in 2012 and he was doing better amd one day in 2015 he was laid off due to his employer suspecting he was using drugs on the job. His own mother told me she believed he was using drugs …come to later find out that she KNEW he was using but just wanted to “hint” it to me so that it was (I) who discovered it. And sure enough i found the damn meth ! And all this time ive kept it from others. I didnt think he was so into it . But hes a lost cause. Hes still using but refuses to admit it. I hope god forgives me but i dont understand why hes still here . I hurt myself for thinking like that. But this man such shows me he dont wanna be alive. 2 accidents later a beautiful son , our 1st home , his seizures and yet he still rather waste it all away on meth! I ask myself why has god allow this to go on? But i know its not god. It is ME! Why must we feel so trapped? Im going to escape this life. Idk how much ima find a why to leave this year. Enough is enough. Thank you ladies for sharing your story. I wish u all the best and pray we all find courage, and guidance on how to move fwd with this part of our lives. God bless.

    3. He is destroying your children’s lives, call cops, go to the nearest hospital! File for a restraint order against him immediately!!! Nothing will get better unless you do something about this!!! HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU OR YOUR CHILDREN! LEAVE NOW!!! If you need to set up a detailed plan, how to leave him, contact me now at Please for the sake of your children’s lives.

  146. Hello all dears,happy Christmas. I am well educated but unemployed 33 yr old with 21/2 yr marriage with an it senior manager.I have had issues communicating,expressingy views and have been dealt with sneers and putdowns.I came to know he gets very angry rarely and smashes things in a rage.I was seeing a psychologist 6 months into our living together and stopped it due to his constant in approval of the treatment and in cooperation.but thanks to the doctor,I patiently worked to stand up my feet and am now close to startingy own massage business and also found I can take tuitions for children here in Sydney.originally from India.days back I came across a book on abuse by Beverly Engel and found it very helpful.title is “breaking the cycle of abuse”. It says how you were bought up influences how u choose your tend to choose a person close to your abuser to help the occasional realisation of betrayal in life from early on which can be very depressing.I found why I took all the verbal abuses and how I was a silent girl all the time(people would call me shy but intelligent).it was true I was afraid of confrontation.I did not search for jobs like I should have to avoid people,failed to establish a career because of low self esteem and stood for the snide remarks fooling myself that I am hiding myself by ignoring them.I feel too unstable in this marriage and can’t talk about this to parents since I think I was also influenced by one or both of them.I feel safer than most of u sad hearing physical abuses.I have retaliated due to verbal putdowns am guilty of attacking him too
    But learned the lesson now that working silent and not giving to anger is better.great to have this website.thanks to the owner .thanks to all of u here sharing stories I feel relieved.To better days. ….. a toast.

    1. Just as I reported his anger issue,we had an incident the night before when he has banged our bedroom door open so that it has come out of its hinges.When I called over his sister,he says I want to show off all what has been done to me and to gain pity.I wait patiently before going to police not wanting to spoil his career.this March he hit me badly that I still have neck pains.Can I give him another chance?I don’t know.

  147. I have been married for 5 1/2 years…..together for 7 1/2…..prior to meeting him I worked two full time jobs for almost 17 years, just to be able to support myself…I always dreamed of returning to school but the money was tight and so was my available time to put in what it took to get “A’s” to get into a good program and allow me to gain a better job. When I met my husband thru some friends, he seemed perfect for me, we had the same dreams and likes….at 36 yrs old I thought I had found the one made just for me. We became engaged a year 1/2 later with all the dreams I thought we were going to obtain, children, 2-3, names picked out and everything! When I dropped my one full time job and my classes to help plan and pay for the wedding, he began “obsessing” about me going back to school as soon as the wedding was over and he really was pushing for me to go into nursing, something I definitely did NOT want to do. But because he is well educated with an excellent paying job, I listened to his advice but all along kept saying “I really don’t want to be a nurse”. I wanted us to open up a checking and savings account before the wedding and he said we would after the wedding. Well that still hasn’t occurred and I now have been told it’s his money and non of my business.

    I wait on him, handle all of his medical issues and bills, etc. this time also allow some time to think about what I really want for a career. Nursing is not and never has been but I didn’t it because of him and I wanted to be a good wife. I applied for OTA at the near by community school and was accepted. It’s a two year program and I love it but again it is very demanding. By the time I am done I will have been unemployed for 4 years. Told my husband when I am done I’m thinking about doing traveling work because the money seems good and I have a lot of catch up to do, retirement, student loans to pay off and I want to buy a little home in the country. My husbands response was “well if you do that then we are done I guess”…..I just burst into tears and haven’t been able to stop crying since the other day. I have done everything I possibly could to try to make this work, including going thru two years of hell in a career he wanted me to do, not me and to get NOTHINGin return. He refuses to even talk about finances with me and will never share accounts with me he said, said he doesn’t want kids because I yell to much (which is NOT true) and said he will fix up the house when he has time but he’s not buying a house because I do not contribute and I’m lazy and don’t want to get a job. When I asked him what it is he thinks I do he said “You go to school and take care of your father, big deal, get a job and contribute!”……I just am at my breaking point and asked him to please file for divorce, I have $3 left in my checking acct and that is all I have to my name and can’t afford it, but he can! (He makes close to $100,000 a year). He said my student loans are my responsibility and not his and he’s not helping with payments (although EVERY time we are with his family he acts all living and says every time how he’s going to start helping pay down my student loans).

    I don’t have the money to go to counseling so here I am today on this website PRAYING someone can offer some guidance and words of wisdom….I feel I have done all kinds of research and read books on how to make a marriage better but I feel like I’m knocking at a door that my husband refuses to hear. Even my tears he just stares and me and I can see he tunes out. Then walks away and speaks sweetly to the dogs(at least he is sweet to them which they deserve and I am grateful for)…..I just don’t know how much more of this I can take…

  148. Collecting cans? Really? That list is a joke. How the hell isthe 6-8 bucks a month that list provides going to help any one get away from an abusive spouse?

    1. I agree. I need to leave an abusive relationship…from a spouse who hasn’t even looked for a job in over 3 years. I have serious problems with my heart and I am no longer able to work. I do not qualify for help from the government (or so they say). Picking up cans and clipping coupons are not going to pay Dr. bills or for the medication I need. What about a home, heat, and food? I am at my wits end, and without family or friends to help, I am literally scared out of my mind.

    2. Ain’t it the truth!!!! This is what I am talking about J. It is humiliating enough that one must suffer abuse from the one that professes to love her, and then must be degraded further by picking up cans!!!!! My Lord!!!! We need real programs with REAL FUNDING. Given to the victim to vacate and stay gone!!!! This means money to move, money to settle. U hauls, gas money, food money, rental deposits. Nobody says they have to put it in her hand. Pay uhaul, give her an exxon gift card to make sure she makes it to where she is going. Then give her a week or so stay in a shelter while she looks for a place to stay and then pay the damn deposit on the place!!! If she is weak and goes back after all that help. Make sure she signs a legal document that says she and the abusive jerk must return all the funds received. Oh, they won’t pay. That why there is garnishee.

  149. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    I’m sorry for what you’re going through – but I do “tip my hat” at your bravery! It takes a lot of courage to be honest about your marriage, and your wish to leave your husband. Of course, not having money to leave him puts a huge stumbling block in front of you.

    What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

    If you have nowhere to go, read What to Expect at a Women’s Shelter or Safe House. Reaching out for help may be your best option, even if it’s the most difficult one.

  150. I have been in an abusive marriage for 6 years. I was 25 when I got married. I have 2kids and one that is not his. I have been smacked bitten and had items thrown at me and yogurt thrown in my face my car has been damaged. I am feed up and biding my time for income tax refund. I am afraid that once I get my refund he will try to take it or sabotage my money so will have to stay. I know by reading these comments he is a sicko. I will stand strong and get out for me and my kids so sad he can not change for himself he is a non working abuser and will surely rep what he has sown thank god for wisdom and peace that surpasses all understand read the bible spiritual healing first Jesus will build you up from there.

    1. Been reading this thread and can relate to a lot of women here. I’m married with 5 children. My husband and I have been existing in a loveless, sexless marriage for half of our marriage. I’m a stay-at-home (at his request after I confronted him about a suspected affair), homeschooling mom (with his approval and encouragement). I left a promising career based on his promises to take care of me and the kids without fail. He recently had to close his small business in January so our income took a big hit which added all the more stress on our marriage. I have no job, no degree, but am in the process of starting a business that could potentially provide much more financial stability atleast for myself and the kids incidentals. Husband accuses me every chance he gets of lying, cheating or some other deceitful thing. Even questions me about $20 and $40 ATM transactions asking what I need cash for an why can’t I use the debit card (so he can track what I’m doing and where I’m going). I get cash back from grocery store, etc to pay for little things I or the kids want/need but no real access to cash. There has been physical abuse, there’s definitely emotional and mental abuse, and he tries to bully me but I’ve begun to stand up for myself over the last couple years. My problem now is how to leave when I have no money, no 4 year degree (I have a 2 yr degree) but have been out of the workforce now for 8 years. He seems to think I can just get gainful employment with the twinkle of an eye and all our problems will be solved. Placing my kids in public schools is a sickening thought for me because of the environment of our local schools. I do EVERYTHING for the kids, while he has the freedom to come and go as he pleases (games, parties, etc) while the kids and I are home or at extracurricular activity or homeschooling lessons or tutoring my learning challenged son. He devalues me at every turn and trivializes my contribution to our home because there’s no tangible income attached to it. He never stops to think that his liberties are possible ONLY because of MY dedication as the SOLE nurturing parents. He has a feeling of superiority because he pays the bills but never stops to think that if he were to ever be forced to compensate me for all that I do within the 4 wall of our home, he wouldn’t come close to being able to afford it. He twists my words, manipulates situations, and obsesses over minute issues that are detractors of our real problem. RESPECT. He doesn’t respect me. Has called me vile names in front of my children and spoken ill of me to his friends, He pretends to be caring if we happen to be seen out together, but is cold and distant the second we come home. I bury my head in the lives of my kids and pray to God for mercy to get me through each day. The times he does bring up the state of our failing marriage, it ALWAYS ends up the same way “I’m the problem and he’s the victim!” I have support from family and dear friends, but no real place to reside with 3 children. I hate to even think of displacing my children and uprooting their lives without a plan of action. He hides money and doesn’t account for all of it annually so trying to get child support/alimony will be nearly impossible. I feel physically stuck, but my spirit is free because I’m a believer in Christ. I literally don’t know which steps to take.

      1. I hear your pain and hear allot of my own in what you say. I have been in a relationship for 12 years now. I have 2 boys the youngest special needs. I feel stuck I have cried and been stuck for a good long time now not knowing what to do. I went through a separation for a year when an addiction of his was uncovered and I believed the children were unsafe. I would of left then buy he had all the family assets tied up and hidden untraceable or a least very hard to account for. I don’t see any open doors at all to leave. I love my two boys and keep telling myself we are better if I ignore my pain and we press on in a loveless marriage….like you I do not want to uproot my children. I am stuck.

    2. Start calling apartments to get on wait lists and or to know how how much is needed to move in. I do agree on selling what you can and pocketing that money in an account with a different address. Keep all your passwords private or change them. If you know how to do your own taxes do them on line so that the money can be put in a specific account of your choosing. Just know you have to leave the moment you get the money in your hands.

      1. Tonja, if you plan to leave, don’t say anything to him about it. Remove your emotions, start being a prepared woman and make a list of things you will need. Save money. Sell things. Find a place to live and get your career and mind ready for being independent. You are best to tell only family because you need to do this safely, and quietly. Stay strong and keep your energy up! It will get better, you will get through it! Take good care of yourself!

  151. I am 28 years old i have three children ages 10,7,and 6 i have only been married 4 months but have been with my husband 11 years. I just found out he is a heroin addict, i have tired to help him get help it is pointless. He has stolen all of our tvs, money from my payroll cards and even sold our kids video game systems. I had a great paying 3 rd shidt job but i had to quit due to his useage, he got fired from jis job and we were evicited from our home. We are loving with his parents in a one bedroom house, which means my children and i sleep on a hardwood floor and he sleeps on the couch. Our daughter has the hardest part with sleepingbon the floor because she had brain surgery in 2012 and it hurts her head but he doesnt care. I work, cook and clean after 7 people 4adults and 3 kids, i take care of a dog that doesnt belong to me. I get no help from him or his family with our children so as soon as i get them on the bus for school i leave for work as soon as i get off work i get them off of the bus get them snacks help with homework than do everything. I am leaving him by qorking the maximum 20 hrs allowed in my state than getting cash assistance from my job and family building as sson as it kicks in i am taking my kids and never looking back. If his mom choose to keep giving him momey to use than she can bury her son alone too. My kids dont deserve to watch as she helps kill him.

  152. I guess I’m in better shape than others. Married 10 years, no kids, but also no job and I’m an alcoholic. He just put his wedding ring on the counter. He is truly a good man, stable job, bills paid on time, kind and loving. I screwed it up. So, what do I do now? I am unemployed, not abused, no kids, and no family. WHAT NOW????

  153. How do I get money to leave my husband? I been married for 20 i have 2 kids,he tell me that i do nothing around house,and i disrespect him tho he was got up set with me and my son for laughing in kitchen over popcorn and came into the kitchen and push me into the refrig,he said it was my fault for ignoring him and night he was yelling me thing i didnt do , so advoid thing i just didnt talk to him,wen he cant find things its me and kids he cailms we take his stuff. not so, he just places stuff all time.i ask him if he was going to get wood for winter he said no because we dont care what he as to go throw to get it,and last night he got pudding into me and boys and we dont want any at the time he got mad and said i bring thing for them to eat thier wore eat it but if u bring to them they will, so im not going buy any more food at all,he get mad if we get into the food and eat it and if dont eat it he’s get upset.

    1. You have a BULLY in your house. I know him well. I have one too. He’s moody, irrational, temperamental, and a lot of horse Dunn is your fault and rarely is never his! Yeah I know him well.
      First understand it’s not you!!! And then respectfully decide are you staying or are you going? Write down your pros and cons. And let me help abit your kids have their father now under the same roof with them, how are they benefiting?
      If your husband seems upset most of the time it’s to suppress everyone in his household to commend to his will. Weather he’s happy, sad, or just have no flipping idea what his own deal is, he’s trained you all in the household to almost hold you breathe and wait for the “god” in the house to tell you all what’s next. I know this well.
      You can’t help your husband. He is who he is, and let that sleeping dog lay.
      You have to decide if your life and it’s misery and luxury are worth staying or going. I would not worry about what everyone thinks or says, and honestly I would mainly rely on myself when it comes to your care and your children.
      Move out for a year. Don’t make an announcement about it because he will block you from advancing to leave him.
      I’m sure you will acknowledge he behaves like he wishes you weren’t there yet he’s if it seems you could leave he behaves like he’s die if you did.
      Help yourself, build yourself up, and join swim end group, weather it’s a walking or jogging group, but get out of that house and get some you time!!! He’s going to object and at this point you shouldn’t care, or when you get to that point. Because you have to rebuild who you know you are! And not according to who he’s told you are.
      You are a mother and it sounds like you have boys, get them out of that before some poor girl later when they are dating is being treated poorly like he does you. Help make your boys better Men by showing them their father isn’t who they need to become without expecting major problems in their lives.
      I truly hope you understand your husband is just HAPPY being unhappy! And even if he acts and behaves nice in public like mine does. WHICH made and has made leaving and getting help pretty hard, BUT not impossible.
      I wish you all best, if nothing more you most definitely are in a mental abusive situation. He enjoys how he treats you (sick I know) in his little brain he feels it keeps you in line and on your toes. Some people enjoy stressed out people around them, it helps them feel powerful and relaxed. Crazy huh? But true! Research alpha wolves and when they mate. The male and female bite, beat up and attack everyone. Give them pure and total hell, and chemicals are produced by the rest of the pack that dramatically decreases their sex drives, increases their cortisol levels of stress, and even has them fighting amongst themselves according to rank to really get the nasty abisuve behavior in. A circle of primal hot mess! But ensuring the STRONG survive.
      Decide your husband will not suppress you. And understand when you are making positive changes and improving upon yourself he will not be supportive

    2. I have been married to a controlling emotional psychological mental abuser 20 years. I have two sons 13 and 15. I have been working oN a plan of escape for nearly a year now. I know how hard it is to even have the courage to make that first step. Our fighting and his abuse is affecting the boys and they are insecure angry and having a very bad time. I opened a checking account got two charge cards and have been saving. He controls all the money. The other comments are exactly right on. Educate yourself. Find out about your financial situation and where and how the money is. I found at least 8 hidden accounts. I go to Walmart and get Cashback . It does not show up on MY account. Please respond we can help each other. Or others who havre help us. We can do it we can gain control for our childreN and ourselves. Sherri

  154. I’m currently sitting in a grocery store parking lot crying and reading these comments. I feel like my story is nothing compared to some of these. I have a job, a car, and no kids. I am not married but I have been with this man for six years. I have no family to help me. I want out of this loveless, sexless, and emotionally abuse relationship but I have no where To go. My job is not enough to get a place of my own. My bf acts decent around everyone else in public, but then is horrible to me at home. He doesn’t want me to have any friends. He doesn’t want me to better myself in any way. I want to grow up, but it feels like he wants me to remain a child. (I’m 20 years younger than him!) I don’t know what to do. I feel like a prisoner.

    1. Rose, you can be free. The first thing you need to do is get off of your knees. Stand up, take a deep breath, and decide you are going to help yourself. It doesn’t matter that your situation is better or worse than anyone else’s situation. You are living your life, not theirs. The only way you are escaping this is to make the decision to live a different life. If you do not have relatives or close friends to ask for a safe place to stay, then you need to reach out elsewhere. There are a network of people who can take you in temporarily as you get out on your own. Ask for help. If you are a Christian, call a few churches and ask if they have assistance for abused women. Seriously Rose, reach out and tell someone you need help getting out. Do not waste another season of your life on him. Eventually he will use you up and throw you away. Sooner than later, these “worse than me” stories will be you. Get out before you have children living in your hell. Stop thinking and feeling and make a plan, right now.

    2. I’m in the same position as Rose. Going on 5yrs now.
      It started with him finding reasons to blow up on me when I’d cone back from seeing friends so soon I had none. I had a full ride grant to the university of my dreams and before I could even finish my last quarter of college he decided there were no jobs near by for him and he made us move, from my home, the state I loved, to a place I didn’t belong where I wasn’t to make friends. He made broken promises that in a year we’d move back to my home but after a year he decided we were moving to yet another new state, far far away from my family. I don’t have the income to care for myself and now I have a broken education. He’s old fashioned and strict. I just want to go home. I’m so alone I’m basically dead. Some days I think I should just take the bus home and live under a bridge. There isn’t anyone I can stay with. I’m going to spend the last of my 20s a lonely prisoner. I have no hope

    3. Rose, I feel you hun. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years and you just described our relationship… loveless, sexless, I’m 13 years younger than him, etc. I’d love to talk to you more, maybe be each other’s support or something. Email me? I would love someone to talk to who is going through the same thing I am. ..

    4. I am secretly storing and saving my money to leave my husband. Making sure my credit is on point. We are women we are strong and we deserve better than this. Trust me when I say it wont get any better. We found this wedsite to find and help each other ladies. Let save ourselves and those of us with children they deserve better.please stay strong, you’re not alone. Love you all.your sister from another mother

  155. I have been in and out of my relationship for 8 years and I don’t have money to leave him. He has pushed me, grabbed my arms and shook me, slapped me around, used my hair as a hold to drag me across rooms. I thought it was the drinking and so left him and allowed him back when he quit. Since then there have only been a couple of physical moments and that has only been pushing me down and shaking me. But he doesn’t really have to hit me, he knows I am scared of him when he gets angry. I have lost respect for him from his lack of ambition, and him not only not knowing how but refusing to learn how to fix things around the house, and his wanting to quit working a “real job” and get a part time min wage one. I get so frustrated and I feel like it’s all on me, the house, the kids, work, bills, doctors ect.

    I hate this life. If it was just me that would be one thing, but I have 4 kids that will be affected by this. 2 from my previous marriage, 1 from his, 1 together. I don’t want to leave and not be in his childs life anymore, but I can’t continue to allow my daughters to be in this either. My final thought is if he wants to be King of the castle that is fine as long as I am treated like a Queen. If he wants a partnership that is fine as long as we are partners. But he can’t be King and treat me like a serf. And partners share the load they don’t hurt the other, and they don’t create rules for one that they don’t have to follow themselves. I am a grown woman and it’s time I suck it up and start acting like it.

  156. I’m so lost, confused and ready to give up. I have been married for 37 years to a man I was sure I would die with, we have 3 children and 4 grandchildren who I love more than life it’s self. My husband lost his job and decided he wasn’t going to work any longer at age 57, we are a struggling lower middle class with no savings, lost our home no car and he still let my daughter pay our bills while he waited for SS disability, before this happened I worked on and off even started a good business in FL it was he who said move back to TN you’ll never have to work again you can stay home with the kids, sounded great to me so I did. In that time I became disabled myself with heart failure and myopathy and because I was married and didn’t work long enough to pay into SS I didn’t qualify for SS nor did I expect to get it for I was married and my husband provided for me in every way, health insurance included. So still upset that my husband has given up on working knowing we have no safety net and let my daughter pay every bill we have to keep us housed with not a second thought, left me wondering who is this man I was so in love with? Now it gets even worse for me he tells me at my age of 55 to get a job he got his SS, now I have to worry about myself, his disability came in and he has health care now but not me, i’m just nobody to him and our government he gets Medicaid but not his wife of 37 yrs, who by the way was turned down because I’m married to him. I can’t stand on my feet for more than 10 mins tops my hands and feet are swollen and hurt 24/7 I take absolutely nothing for the pain I just deal with it and he tells me to get a job. I can not tell you how much that hurts and leaves me lost I don’t know what to do anymore I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.

    1. I too have a husband who has decided to stop working at the age of 29..we have a 1 year old son. I’ve been the only one working since I got pregnant because he’s having some sort of drop out of life crisis. He verbally abuses us and I deal with things from him daily that I won’t speak of here. Here makes me work to support its while I have high blood pressure and herniated discs in my back. He rarely helps with my son and we would be so much better off else where..but my husband totaled my car when I was 8months pregnant…with me in it…and now I can’t get ahead to save for a car. I can live with a friend who lives 30 miles from my job but I would have no way to get there or to day care without public transportation. Feeling very stuck and I know my day will come. And so will yours. Stay strong willed and of sound heart and mind. These lazy no good men will get what they deserve in the end..keep your chin up and fight fight fight for your disability. Get a lawyer who takes no money down to fight for you. Good luck

      1. I am in the same situation April. At 30 years old he has a year whithout work and evertime Ask him to find a job he stars screaming at me, and I have to pay for everything sometimes I dont even have for food because what I get is not enough for food or buy clothes for my baby. I want to leave him but I dont have any savings. Have you found the way?

      2. Cassandra
        Where I live the neighboring state is about 30 miles south of us and most of the cab companies offer a flat rate to commute passenger especially when they no its guaranteed salary. Maybe you can reach out and see what kind of deal one would be willing to help you with and something else some times if your supervisor knows that you are having to move and nothing Eleanor they may offer a more flexible schedule to help out with your son giving you spitted more time to get him there.

    2. April,
      Have you tried to appeal the SS administrations decision.Some times it takes a good Doctor to assist or good medical documentation. My sister collected a small about of SSI as she did not have enough points to qualify for full benefits either.But most states deny if you have been disabled for less than a year or if your income has been above the requirements of the state. A disability lawyer may be able to help you as well becauseyour health aliments are worthy of assistance. Stay strong sister and hang in here. A sister from another mother.

    3. You have to get the divorce – get a credit card to pay – anything. You qualify to recieve half of any social security HE made all those years too, in divorce court. Once ur away from the hurt, which is REAL, and you STAY away, you get to church, read help books, read Safe People, join support group, get a job sitting, even sleep in a car or RV, look ANYwhere for positive just like its food or medicine, build up from the inside out – not $$ – that will come later after youre building the emotional health first! Ur online now – get online more, fibd health groups, support groups are MAGIC for healing the REAL wounds inside – get fresh energy spiritually to choose healthy veggies, unprocessed foods, stretches, exercise slowly, walking club, then standing job, — dont feel sorry or ever return …just keep going forward and away to positive situations

  157. I want you to know that you have helped me. My husband has been abusing me for years (he has grabbed and poked me hard enough to leave bruises, he burned me with a curling iron, he has pushed me on MANY occasions – once causing my jaw to slam into the nightstand – and I’m frankly tired of making up stories of how I got hurt. I can tell that no one ever believes me anyway.

    He has forced me to abandon all of my friends – and tried with my family. He tells me constantly how fat and worthless I am and how I ruined his life. He has refused to watch our daughter so I could visit my Mom in the hospital (she’s is in a coma and has been mistreated by the hospital – he was supportive for a few days and then started to get angry at me for making him do so much around the house and forbade me from talking about the hospital at home).

    I was recently prescribed Prozac by the psychiatrist that he and I both see (and whom I’ve told about the abuse). I’m terrified for my 9 month old daughter. He quit his job 2 1/2 years ago and has only worked sporadically since then – it’s always someone else’s fault that the job ended) and I’ve been paying for everything – Insurance, electricity, rent, groceries, diapers & formula, doctor appointments, gas, car insurance, and on and on. I also lost my job in January so things have been really stressful. I have been getting unemployment (which is exactly as much as rent), I got a pretty good tax refund and I cashed in my retirement fund so that he could follow his dreams and have his own business making websites (he’s a programmer). So far he’s still working on the sites and I’m at the point where I have to take out loans to pay the day-to-day bills and will have to file bankruptcy soon.

    I started researching how to leave him when I had no money and I found your post. I found a shelter in my area with a 3 month program to help abused women and kids get started in a new life and I am creating my exit plan now. The only thing I’m not sure of is how I will take care of my Mom while I’m at the shelter, but I’m certain I can figure that out. I am so grateful to you for not only writing this, but for sharing it. Thank you. From deep in my heart, for all abused women, thank you, <3

  158. im 24 with a daughter who is 4. I left 2 jobs to go back to my partner and “try” to be a family for my daughter. I don’t have any outcome therefore have to rely on him for everything. I tried to make money out of dropshipping (he paid for stock) it failed and i got accused fo wasting his money I tried with another idea and he called me stupid this cost £20. and he refused I even asked him to pay via paypal if I borrowed money from a family member as I don’t have bank card or paypal and he said no! whenever I cry he calls me a spoiled little brat and stupid. i don’t get to go out with friends if i try and go he will say DO WHAT YOU WANT and make me feel bad. im not allowed to wear revealing coz if i do he will look me up and down and say im embarrassing myself . When i say i think hes controlling me he will say whatever get a grip grow up. everytime i try leave i always come back because my mothers house isnt practical for me and my 4 year old child. he doesn’t show me any affection or love, i feel like i would be happier without him but scared of what me and my daughters future will be like as i wont be able to give her what i can now as he is the one with money. he always makes everything out to be my fault and will never speak about things, i want to leave and be happy for my daughters sake but this is slowly sending me back into depression and i don’t know how much more i can take. when we argue he says stuff like ur this and that ur crazy our daughters better off without u. some advice would be appreciated. xxx

    1. Lisa, I had many episodes where I would leave and return to my abuser. Emotional abuse and financial abuse is very real. You are NOT crazy, he is trying to confuse you so you won’t leave. I went through depression, sleep deprivation, etc. for years. My husband controlled everything financial, and anytime I stood up for myself, it would become a battle. From spending time with friends, career paths, taking enrichment classes, or when I made money he would always put me down, and say awful. Awful things to me in front of my young children. So….. I began researching what abuse was, what narcissitic personality disorders were. I realized I was living a sick person, that I was in an unhealthy environment. So I I finally kicked him out after he became violent, and threatening. I said I would call the law if didn’t leave. I am so relieved I did because I was the one always leaving with my two young children. After he left, I slept all night. I felt like my emotions were back to normal, and then I made a plan to get my children and I out. And you can too! Get grounded, don’t show him your emotions, and start making your escape, do it for your daughter! Start taking money to set aside, find your allies and rally them up, don’t have allies yet, go get them! You can do it, and when your ready it will fall into place! I tried to leave for years, if you do it while your daughter is young, less prolonged exposure to the yuck! Surround yourself with people who love you, who are kind, and who support you Peace on your journey! Help will come. Good luck, your daughter needs you!

      1. I researched Narcissitic and bingo described my husband to the tea! I left him years ago when he had a child outside our marriage but before that he had a 4year relationship with the woman. We’ve been married now for 20 years and he continues to make excuses the things he continues to do to me. I already have to deal with this child he had and seems to be sooooo absessed with but I also have to deal with the fact that He just won’t leave her alone, he uses that child as an excuse to excessively call her and text her he always has an excuse for his actions and not to mention his Narcissitic personality makes the situation even worst. You just got a job going on two years ago for the first time in the 20 years we were together before that I took care of the family I can’t work now cause I’m pregnant , and now that he has a job OMG no matter what he does to hurt me I have to here ” I’m paying all the bills, I’m busting my ass everyday and this is what I get”. I went into Facebook which I rarely do to but he something to me to make me think he was hiding something and there she was posting a long birthday letter to him saying how he’s her best friend and how she love him and he’s been a great example for her and so on and so forth…umm…a married man cheating on his wife with u is a great example??!?!! He liked it on Facebook alone with all her selfies! He left after I brought it up so I licked the doors and wouldn’t let him back in but he broke the window and forced himself in and now he won’t leave! I don’t know what to do to get away from this man I have no where to go I’m stuck here for now trying to plan an escape!

    2. Your story sounds just like mine..I know this is scary and we never thought we’d have to consider these things..but like someone above said…contact your local shelter for a exit weave in your area..job resources…day care….car…one thing at a time.

  159. I am emotionally broke I’m from Philippines ! My husband is a control freak ! He does’nt trust me ! He always accused me of adultery ! For eight years I try to be strong ! But now it all sink in my mind that I’m more than a prisoner ! I don’t have money he controlled me whenever I go ! I’m not allowed to get a job! My child witness how sad and emotional I am ! I apply a job online hope it will work.

    1. Hi I’m also from the Philippines and my husband is verbally and emotionally abusing me.. Telling me I’m worthless and calling me names.. He also smoke weed and get angry easily.. Im want to leave him for the sake our child cause I don’t him to grow up in this kind of situation

    2. Definitely gain your independence so you can get money to leave your husband! Join a group, whether it’s a meet up or Asian support group. That way you will meet people and begin to have resources and information that otherwise you just do not know about. Take your child if you have too, but preferable not. Start walking or jogging to give yourself time to think and strategize.

      And know this isn’t forever! You have made a choice and it’s not allow yourself to continue to be treated this way. Good for you! I hope the online job helps. Pass it on if it’s livable money. There are financial grants out their for immigrants. Just be careful when you are ready to leave him. I wish you all the best!

  160. I have been with my husband only 8 years, he is my 3rd husband. I am saving and planning to leave him. I am honest in that he is not the only one to blame. However over the last 5 years I have made leaps and bounds in personal growth. I had no business marrying anyone during the time of my life i did. For that I blame myself. And I am only struggling with the guilt of him being alone or not finding anyone else at his age. He would be perfectly content staying in a loveless marriage. I feel imprisoned. Thanks for this article on how to come up with ways to set back money. He is dwindling away our income and we bring out the worst in each other. Together we are both not responsible, reacting to life emotionally. Now I feel confident I can do what I need to do.

  161. Hi, I am the Kim who you said could go to hawaii or mexico and retire because I was having 200.00 bucks a paycheck come out and go directly into my orange account with hubby’s paycheck. So 400.00 a month I was saving for 4 years. Plus I saved other money like I got cash back from every super market trip. Cash I would put into my cleaning supply cabinet in my home made safe which was an empty lysol wipes container. I did use the money saved in my home made safe a lot when things got heated. Instead of waiting for the abuse to start I just avoided it all together. I never parked my car at the hotel I was staying at. I bought a separate cell phone so my husband couldn’t track me because I never took it with me when I’d leave. And I have (all good things can be used for bad things too) GM vehicles with onstar so he COULD track where I would go. So I got to know the managers at the hotel that I’d run away to and They would park my car at various spots safe in town. Built in GPS sucked but hey I decided to check on him a few times. Boy was I not at all shocked. I caught him in a few less than honorable situations since my first post here two years ago. Abusive people most times are also cheaters too. At least the abusive people I have been lucky (not!) to know thus far in my 55 yrs on this planet have been big time cheaters. Oh I learned how to disable ONstar on my car by the way. The internet is great supply of knowledge on all subjects. I learned to take no chances.

    I’m happy to tell everyone it wasn’t easy but I did follow my four year plan of leaving my Narcissistic husband. I bought a tiny house 3 hours away from my ex

    My current situation isn’t perfect but I’m in control now of my life. I did want to move to Oregon but I can still move there. I don’t feel so pressed like I did before. Before I felt my life slipping away wasted in a meaningless life of survival only. No joy, No special person to share my life with. My kids grown and living an hour or two away too busy to see what hell I was seriously living all the years they growing up. My birthdays would come and my husband was so wrapped up in himself and how great he is, He would say lets do our birthdays. His just days before mine. So we’d go out to eat and it was a chore. We would end up fighting and he would not stop at a few insults. either no gift or some after thought that was something I didn’t care for. Men, FYI, do not just give women random scents that the woman hasn’t herself chosen prior. It’s a personal thing and what smells good on one doesn’t smell good on another trust me. I just had to throw that in. But back to subject of topic. I need to tweek a few areas of my life yet but I can’t tell you how much better it is. The future is looking really super bright for me. Ladies, planning is a must. I know it seems evil but really it’s not. If a man abuses a woman and she gets away before she’s carried out in a pine box. That same selfish mentally twisted sick man isn’t going to be on his own funding your lifestyle away from him. As a matter of fact he will probably be a broke guy if he has been keeping a girlfriend or two on the side. Once you’re gone these women will put on the pressure and he will need new narcissist supply (controlling people) YOU ARE VALUABLE AND IMPORTANT. SO DO PLAN AHEAD LIKE I DID. Also I found a great life coach at church that I saw two to three times a week to keep me motivated. BE GOOD TO YOU! This life is short. Don’t waste it unhappy and/or in danger from abuse. Good luck to you all. If I can do you can too.

    1. Kim, how inspiring and some really major pointers. This one I’ve learned since last Friday has gone behind my back and racked up all sorts of insane insecure credit card debt in my and since 2002. Here I’m sitting here thinking because of the delinquencies and the write offs from me not having the money myself to pay the credit cards I did know about he insisted I pull out. Now the credit card is in my name and I never even knew about! And coming from a guy who had verbally beaten me to pulp and reminds me often hoe awful of s money budgeter I am, yet when we are so behind on bills which feels like since I met him, if it gets too scary I’m usually the one he throw the bills back over too. Often not doing what’s agreed at all! Because o project our bills out 4 months ahead. And he makes sure no consistent amount of money comes in so we can never clear anything up! ? I haven’t approached him because he is a liar and had established feeling extremely comfortable with lying to me so I feel bringing it up was pointless. But I closed them out and now applying for an special ID, because I’m filing taxes separate close to the time I’m planning to exit out of here. I will get money to leave my husband by Fall 2017.

  162. Hi.
    I m in a 38 year marriage that is unbearable. I am 58 my husband 61. We operate a small business together, owning name only. I have been there since my daughter started kindergarten…26 years ago…. Now since the economy has gone sour we are suffering barely holding on to our home of 20 years. Needless to say our marriage has been in trouble for quite some time. For the last couple of years I have been secretly saving money when ever possible. My personality is quiet, I keep to myself, guess you could call that an introvert. I do not speak to him except for concerns at the business or our 2 grandchildren. He is manipulative towards me and drinks beer and smokes pot. I told him several years back I did not love him and after some time we decided to stay together for our grandchildren but I want out. I want to be happy and free of him. He has life insurance of which I am beneficiary so he tellse I will get that when he dies…. We have no health insurance so when he dies the funeral home and hospital will get it…. So where does that leave me… Out in the cold… I must escape this regardless of the business or financial cost… He holds these over me…my grandchildren are very important to me. They are very close relationship wise to the both of us but I am at the end oft rope…I have a health issue looming on the horizon but for now I am dealing with it and have not seen a doctor due to the expense. Have only spoken to my daughter concerning it. I m not sure what to do next. My self esteem is and has been low due to my childhood. I must find help somewhere or all is lost.

  163. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    If you’re looking for financial help to leave your husband, do an internet search for terms such as: women fleeing domestic violence, safe houses for women, money help for women who want a divorce, free legal aid for married women, divorce help for women, free counseling for women, etc.

    Do a local search — which means you need to search for those terms with your exact location. This will help you find support and other resources. I don’t know the specific types of money help for women who want to leave their husbands, but I believe that if you Google those terms, you will find different organizations.

    Call the places you find, even if you don’t think they can help you. Just call and explain what’s happening, and see what they say. They might be able to guide you in the right direction — but you need to take the first step, and call!

    I pray for strength, courage, and faith as you move forward in your life.


  164. Katherine Martinez

    I am in a manipulating marriage that I can’t breathe anymore. I have two small girls ages 8 and 11 and I am trapped myself in the time being. I have managed to save 1000 dollars but its not enough to get out. He has physically touched me twice, once with his chest he bumped me and then he grabbed both my arms and pushed me to intimidate me as he was yelling at me because I didn’t want to talk to him and asked him nicely to leave me alone. I only fear that the first time in 2007 when he rammed the table to my knee my little was 2 1/2 at that time and now she is 11 and she had to see him bump me/chest me two months ago as she stood there staring at the wall. I asked her if she saw anything and she told me no, but I just have this feeling that she is not telling me the truth. My fear is that he will try again but I did tell him that if he does one more time, I will not hesitate to contact the police. I am afraid and just dont’ see how I can financially live in the place I’m living alone, I only earn 28k a year and to be able to financially support my girls is so rough. He claims he will not help me but I know the only way to find out is to actually go to the courts but truth is I need to leave first because he isn’t. He’s managed to manipulate my brother and sister and even my father but I was able to communicate with them and I’m praying that they just see and feel that I can’t be in this marriage anymore. Its so unhealthy and I just want to break free. So please if there is any local agencies that anyone knows in Coral Springs, Florida, please guide me. I am an educated woman but I am so underpaid and I am willing to do what I can to just break free from him and allow my girls to have somewhat of a life of breathing as well.

    1. Almighty God, I am in such need. I throw myself on Your mercy and ask for Your help and strength in freeing me from this abusive relationship.

      I am exhausted and drained and do not know how to escape this vicious cycle. My mind was