Is the Affair Really Over? 5 Signs He Will Cheat on You Again

He swears the affair is over, but how do you know if he’ll cheat on you again? Here’s how to see beyond what your boyfriend or husband is really saying – and how to trust that still small voice inside you.

“It’s been six months since I found out my husband was cheating with his assistant,” says Miriam on 5 Signs Your Boyfriend Will Cheat on You Again…and Again. “We decided to stay together and try to work things so, but I can’t stop myself from going through his jacket pockets, desk drawers, glove compartment and his car, you name it. How do I know if he will cheat on me again? I am trying to trust him but I’m still always looking for signs that he’s having an affair. How do I get over this, how do we move on and rebuild our marriage?”

Do you really want to know the truth? It’s possible – if you have the courage and strength it takes to see beneath your boyfriend or husband’s words. Listen, for the truth wants to come out. And it will set you free (but it’ll hurt like a son-of-a-gun first).

How to Know if He’ll Cheat on You Again

how to know if He Will Cheat on You Again“If you’ve been betrayed, you’re likely to worry that you can’t ever trust your husband or boyfriend or feel secure in your relationship again,” writes Dr Janis Abrhams Spring in After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful. “Are these worries justified? Obviously, there’s no foolproof formula for evaluating your risk, but there are five indicators that offer clues.”

In this article, I share Dr. Springs’ five tips on how to know if he’ll cheat on you again. After the Affair is an excellent book for couples dealing with the aftermath of cheating, and I highly recommend it.

These tips are just a glimpse of the iceberg in your relationship; Dr Spring’s book will help you figure out if you can save your relationship and move forward in healthy ways, or if you should say good-bye and let go of the man you love.

1. His underlying attitudes about cheating in relationships

Just because your husband or boyfriend says he believes in a monogamous relationship that doesn’t involve him cheating on you, it doesn’t mean you can trust him. Most men say they wouldn’t have an affair. Almost every man would agree that cheating is wrong. Even if your boyfriend or husband swears he wouldn’t cheat – or cheat on you again – it doesn’t mean he really won’t have an affair.

To this, Dr. Springs adds that if your husband or boyfriend can’t give you the verbal reassurance you need, then you might want to be wary of trusting him again. What are his underlying attitudes about cheating? If he doesn’t think cheating is wrong, immoral, or unethical, then he’s likely to cheat on you again. If your boyfriend or husband has a casual, dismissive underlying attitude about cheating, then he may not be trustworthy.

Here’s a list of statements that reveal a man’s attitude on cheating:

  • What my wife or girlfriend doesn’t know won’t hurt her.
  • I only have one life to lead, and I deserve to be as happy as possible.
  • The affair lets me satisfy my needs without breaking up the family. I’m doing it for the kids.
  • People aren’t meant to be monogamous.
  • Cheating is okay if the wife or girlfriend doesn’t find out.
  • I have no impulse control.
  • I never promised my wife that I would be the perfect husband. She knew I was a cheater when I married her.
  • Since my girlfriend probably knows I’m cheating on her but isn’t confronting me, it must be okay as long as I don’t rub it in her face.
  • Men aren’t biologically programmed to be in monogamous relationships.

If your husband or boyfriend says or even jokes about any of the above statements, his underlying attitude on cheating is casual and dismissive. This means he doesn’t think cheating is a big deal in a relationship, thus, he may be more likely to cheat on you again.

2. His past history (deception and lies? red flags?)

You’ve probably heard it before: if a man cheats on his wife or girlfriend to be with you, then he will cheat on you with another woman. In other words, a cheater is a cheater is a cheater. If he found you sexy and attractive enough to cheat on his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife with you, then he likely will find another woman sexy and attractive again.

And the beat goes on.

That said, however, being attracted to a woman is not the number one reason men cheat. Men have affairs primarily because they are lacking emotional and physical connection in their relationship. To learn more about why men cheat, read 9 Ways to Know if Your Husband is Lying About Cheating.

“A man with a history of duplicity is more likely to lie and deceive again then someone who has strayed only once,” writes Dr Springs in After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful.

how to know he will cheat on you

5 Signs He Will Cheat on You Again

“For example, when my client Marilyn looked back over her 12 years with Marshall, she saw that he had been double-faced from day one. Marshall’s pattern of lying extended beyond his sexual behavior and social relationships.… I’m not suggesting that a single affair is more forgivable then 17, or that having only one means cheating won’t happen again.

However, a man with a long record of lies and deceptions is more likely to have difficulties breaking this pattern than a man who only cheated or strayed once.”

3. An inability to communicate openly – both you and him

“Partners who are aware of their needs and can negotiate them in a spirit of reciprocity and compromise are more likely to stay at home and work through their relationship issues,” writes Dr Spring. “Partners who are unaware of their need but expect you to intuit them, or who keep them bottled up inside for fear of creating conflicts, are likely to vent their unhappiness fester and grow. Holding you responsible for their own feelings of alienation, they go and search satisfaction in another person’s bed.”

If your boyfriend or husband is the “strong silent type” who never talks about how he feels or what he needs from you and your relationship – and he has cheated on you – then it is possible that he will be unable to talk about what led him to cheating in the past. This lack of communication and insight doesn’t guarantee that he will cheat on you again, but it does make it more difficult to have a close, trusting relationship with him.

4. His inability to hear you and empathize with your pain

Men who cannot get beyond their own needs and appreciate yours are more likely to cheat again. If your husband or boyfriend is dismissive or cavalier about how hurt and betrayed you feel – and if he doesn’t care how sad it makes you feel to be wondering how to know if he’ll cheat on you again – then he may not care enough to stop himself from a future affair.

Can your husband or boyfriend:

  • Appreciate what you’ve been through, and understand the emotional damage his cheating caused?
  • Feel compassion and remorse for your pain?
  • Listen to your point of view, even if it differs from his own?
  • See you as a separate person with thoughts and feelings, someone other than just an extension of himself?

If your answer to most of these questions is no, then you need to ask yourself not, “Would my husband stray again?”  but rather “Why wouldn’t my husband cheat on me again?” If he doesn’t see you as a woman with feelings and her own identity, then he doesn’t respect you. And if he doesn’t respect you, then he’s more likely to cheat again.

5. His unwillingness to take responsibility for cheating on you

“Unless your partner is willing to explore why the affair happened and accepted fair share of responsibility for it, your hopes for a committed relationship are likely to be built on sand,” writes Dr Spring in After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful.

She shares this story:

How to Know If He'll Cheat on You Again.jpg

How to Know If He’ll Cheat on You Again

“Kevin had an affair six years ago, but to this day he refuses to talk about it with me,” a 47-year-old decorator complained to me. “I knew almost none of the details, but it sits between us. I feel its presence. I don’t believe he’s cheating on me anymore, but I have no security about tomorrow because I have no understanding of where I went wrong, or how, or whether, he’s changed. And I doubt he does, either.”

When nothing is learned from the affair and nothing changes in your relationship, the problem remains. And so does the temptation to cheat again. Here’s how to know if he’ll cheat on you again: you and he don’t talk about the affair or your relationship, and you pretend it never happened. Or, he refuses to say anything more about it.

Do you feel like your husband or boyfriend isn’t telling you the truth, but you aren’t sure? Trust your intuition, your gut instincts. Your subconscious picks up on signs that your conscious mind isn’t aware of. Your gut never lies. Trust it.

If you want to save your relationship, read Rebuilding Trust in a Relationship After a Secret Love Affair.

How are you feeling, after reading these tips on how to know if he’ll cheat on you again? I can only imagine how hurt, confused, and scared you feel. I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but you are welcome to share your story in the comments section below. 

I can’t give relationship advice and I don’t know if you can trust your husband or boyfriend not to have another affair. But, you may find that writing about your experience will help you listen to the best possible source of wisdom: that still small voice inside of you.

Will he cheat on you again? Relationship help

how to know if He Will Cheat on You AgainIn How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful, Linda J. MacDonald offers practical advice for partners who strayed and want a second chance at rebuilding their relationships. She encourages men who cheat not to minimize the impact of their actions.

“Face the ways you have hurt your wife and family members,” she says. “Accept responsibility for inviting negative or angry responses from your wife or girlfriend. Retrace your steps to better understand your choices. Recognize the selfishness of your thinking and actions. Know you broke your marriage vows [or your commitment to a monogamous relationship], and freely admit this to your partner.”

how to know if he will cheat on you againIn Not “Just Friends”- Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity Shirley P. Glass shares “a new, fact-based, scientifically and therapeutically responsible approach” to cheating – which is a topic she says is fraught with public and professional misconceptions.

Drawing on research studies (her own and others’) and clinical cases from her 25 years as a psychotherapist, Dr Glass explores “the new crisis of infidelity” resulting from platonic relationships that become progressively intense.

“Few experiences in life are more traumatic than learning of a beloved partner’s intimate betrayal,” she says. “The private calamity of discovering that your partner has become someone you don’t recognize and has lied to you as if you were an enemy blows your secure world to pieces. In just a few seconds, the safest haven in the world is turned into the source of the greatest treachery.”

Dear reader, may you find guidance and wisdom, hope and healing. May your relationship be covered with forgiveness and love – whether or not you decide to stay with this man. May you move forward into a new season of your life with courage, confidence, and strength. And, may the peace that surpasses all understanding fill your hearts, minds, and soul.

 

xo

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7 thoughts on “Is the Affair Really Over? 5 Signs He Will Cheat on You Again”

  1. Good information a few years too late like 43 for me. My husband cheated on me all my life.
    I knew he was but I wanted to keep a stable home for our kids. Our kids left and he did too not by going out the door but by chasing young girls and women and whatever. Finally, I prayed God would do whatever it took to bring me a decent husband and it broke bad he ended up in all kinds of troubles. And again he came home he is worn out from his life broken and destroyed by his life he wants my sympathy and love. I have nothing left to give him. I am here now taking care of grandkids cooking meals doing the same things I have always done. Faithful as a dog but now when he asks me do you love me and trust me my answer is always the same I trust God nobody else. Please don’t email me he and I share the same email and I don’t want to hear any thing about it.

  2. Ladies, it’s time to face the terrible truth about men. They are selfish and they are not wired to love you as a real human being. At best you’re a c*m bucket to him and a maid. Men have two needs from women: sex and stroking his puny little ego. Think about this. If a man truly loved you would he perv on other women in front of you? (One of the number one complaints about men from women is that he is constantly jerking his neck in the direction of another woman). Would he become disinterested in you the minute you get your first wrinkle, gain a few pounds, or give birth to his child? Men are not wired to love us. They are wired to impregnate us and move on. That’s why as time goes by, he automatically begins to lose interest in you and his eyes start wandering to other women, younger more fertile women. Sure, in the beginning he may pull out the stops with love and affection, but just long enough for him to fulfill his biological imperative. This is also why men who are rich and powerful cheat on their wives more often. Because they can. They will risk everything to fulfill his natural imperative to reproduce with as many young, fertile women as he can get his hands on.

    Men are as faithful as their options. All men want to be with as many chicks as possible. And if you are just average he gets his needs for girls through p*****raphy, clubs, staring down girls on the street and any media which is constantly introducing young, beautiful women. The only ways you could possibly hope to keep a man truly faithful is to keep him away from close proximity with other women and the media or to remain young and beautiful forever with the ability to morph into a different woman every night.

    Even if a man has no issues with you, you show him love affection and ply him with constant affection he may still cheat on you. If he works with young things, or he has lots of power and money that brings him into proximity with girls who like his power, you can just give up the notion of faithfulness. An open marriage may be the best thing for you or better yet simply stay single. Either way, you will never be loved, only exploited. Men get tired of you real quick because they are wired for polygamy.

    It is a mystery to me why women think they can get emotional intimacy from men. They don’t even want to listen to your problems half the time, and think women’s concerns are trivial. Rely on your women friends for emotional support and friendship. It is not possible with men. I know some of you ladies may think but I have guy friends. The only way you could have a guy friend is if he is gay and has no s**ual interest in you whatsoever. Otherwise you have a guy friend who is hanging around you with an option to get you in bed at some later date. In fact he targeted you for “friendship” because he thought you were cute to begin with. Look it up. I’m not making this sh* up.

    The only man who truly loves you is your father, and he could be jiving too.

    1. why is it up to the woman to affair proof her marriage or relationship? My ex left me for someone totally revolting and unintelligent. That relationship did not last long and I ended up taking him back. What a mistake that was. All he does is talk about her and believe me she is a total loser. I might have understood if he left me for someone better, but way worse. What gives. If you have to spend all your time making sure he’s happy then what is he doing for you?

  3. Will he cheat again? It’s up to the wife or girlfriend because men are weak and ruled by their other “head.” In fact, when it comes to other women they will do everything they can get away with.
    All men desire to sleep with multiple women, even when they claim to be in love with you. This is what they are wired for. At some point they grow tired of being with you unless you’re a supreme game-player who can keep his interest peaked. Even still the urge to look at, be in proximity to and enjoy other women never leaves him.
    If he is an alpha male he can fulfill these needs in a more straight forward manner. If not there is men’s magazines and other media, random women on the street he may gawk at Hooters and strip clubs or platonic friendships with women he works with or attends school with. He will choose these “platonic” friendships based on his sexual attraction to these women. You will have to police this behavior to ensure it doesn’t escalate to addiction or emotional or physical affairs because he won’t. He may think he loves you and doesn’t want to lose you, but its difficult to control and part of him doesn’t really want to.
    That’s why as a woman you need to be on guard about the other women your man is in contact with. If he’s weird about other women you may have a problem.

  4. Hello, ive been married for 5 years. At first I wanted a different life i was so young later to realize i had everything I ever wanted material & with my husband/son… But within the years I finally realized my husband cheated with his boss. He didnt want to choose between me or her… My husbands 43 in 25 & the “OW” is 54 he says theyre love was different theyre older & they ended it suddenly cus I called her & said in tired of them playing games cus he wants 2 be with both of us. Will he cheat again?? He says I pushed him away but ive been working on everything he asked me to I thought he wasnt seeing her but he bought new pants comes home from work & I’m checking the pockets I see a hair that looks like her hair color how should I address it ?

  5. I’ve been with this guy for about 10 years. He cheated with me while his wife was dying from cancer,BIG RED FLAG I missed.
    Later I find out he had been cheating on his wife for many years RED FLAG, overlooked it.
    A couple years into our relationship he gets a few txt messages that he erased before I can see him them, hmmm. .
    A few arguments and months later i find out he’s been “flirting with a woman at the post he visits 3x a week, I’m pissed but was talked into staying, again. Year or so later I find a e mail telling a friend he finds her desireable and wondered if she would have sex with him. She said NO thank goodness. He tells me he was just seeing if he still “had it”? I’m pissed but stay with him! I’m so stupid and addicted!
    He’s been asking me to move to move in with him. OK trial run. I still kept my condo. Now a year later I think he’s at it again but I need proof so he won’t deny everything. He always says I don’t have proof. I want to just leave but…. I don’t think I can make it on my own now. He talked me into early retirement and now I can barley afford the mortgage.
    So what do you think of him? He said he can change, but really can he!? I know I’m really off the wall ridiculous stupid for sticking around.

    1. I hope you have been able to give yourself some grace by now. I just read your post and my heart goes out to you. I have been in a MM relationship for 6 months and I plan to end it once and for all this weekend. I have never felt so alone, lonely days and nights. I am invisible in his life yet everyone knows him in mine. I have been upfront with my family because he kept saying he was getting divorced and leaving her. That is an outright lie. It keeps getting pushed back because of some or another excuse. I am no longer willing to be treated like this any more. I want someone who is healthy in body , mind and spirit. and Available! My MM lied to me for 2 months and I had no idea he was married. When I found out, I was floored. And already in love with him.
      I have truly found that when a man is a cheater… he will cheat again. Find someone who loves you for the lovely you that you are. You got this! Prayers for you!