How to Know if Divorce is the Best Decision

If you’re struggling with the difficult “Should I get a divorce?” question, you may need an unbiased external perspective that isn’t overwhelmed by emotion. Here are 10 signs to help you decide if divorcing your husband is the best choice, inspired by Should I Stay or Should I Go?

should I get a divorce“It takes a lot of bravery to look right at the truth of your situation,” writes Lundy Bancroft in Should I Stay or Should I Go? A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can – and Should – Be Saved. “Sometimes it’s hard to look at what you know to be true because it seems like you won’t be able to face the overwhelming sadness of it. These kinds of sad feelings seem like they’ll never go away. It seems like life as you know it will end.” He adds that one of the prevalent features of life with an angry or controlling husband or boyfriend is that he frequently tells you what you should think and tries to get you to doubt or devalue your own perceptions and beliefs.

One of the reasons it’s so difficult to know if you should get a divorce is because your life will be forever changed – and so will the lives of your family. One season of your life is coming to a close. Even if you stay married and rebuild your relationship, you’ll be embarking on a new stage of your marriage.

Asking “Should I get a divorce?” is the first step to a whole new season of your life – for better or worse. Below are 10 reasons divorce is the best decision, plus encouragement to move forward in strength, faith, hope, and strength.

Change is hard, especially when it means your whole life will be upheaved! Deciding to get divorced is a huge decision. It’s emotionally destructive for both you and your husband – not to mention your children, family members, and even your friends and coworkers. Divorce is incredibly expensive financially; in fact, I’ve heard that it’s the number one cause of poverty among single divorced mothers.

However, the cost of a divorce shouldn’t be the deciding factor. More important is your current marriage situation (how bad is it?) and the long-term consequences of staying in this relationship (are you losing yourself, your spirit, your heart and soul?).

In How to Make a Difficult Decision in Your Life, I describe one strategy for deciding what to do: decide who you want to be and start choosing actions that help you get there.

Should You Get a Divorce? 10 Reasons to Say Yes

“We had an ‘open marriage’ and lost that incredibly special foundation of trust and intimacy with each other,” Amy Kristine on Divorced Men And Women Reveal What Was Missing From Their Marriages (the link to the original article on the Huffington Post is below). “We became more like roommates than intimate partners.”

No matter how you feel about your husband, you’re wondering if ending your marriage is the right thing to do. No one can tell you if you should get a divorce, but these reasons for leaving an unhealthy, unhappy marriage may help you decide.

1. Your husband is violent or threatening towards you or your family

There is never an excuse or reason for physical, sexual, emotional, or mental abuse in a marriage. Regardless of what you’ve said to “cause” his reaction or done to “make him” be cruel towards you or your children, it is not your fault. I worked at a shelter for women fleeing domestic violence, and I know how difficult it is to leave an abusive marriage. But if you’re still asking “Should I get a divorce?” even as you’re healing from your physical or emotional wounds, then I’m here to tell you that YES. You should get a divorce.

Read What to Expect at a Woman’s Shelter or Safe House, especially if you don’t have family or friends who can help you leave.

2. You don’t recognize yourself anymore

Have you become a stranger to yourself?

How to Know if Divorce is the Best Decision

“Should I Get a Divorce?” image via unsplash evan kirby

If you’ve completely lost touch with who you are (or were, or wanted to be), then your marriage has eroded your sense of self. Losing yourself isn’t about feeling confused or unfocused, or needing a few hours alone to reconnect with yourself. Losing yourself is not even knowing who you are anymore. If you’ve lost yourself, you don’t know what you believe in, what you really think, or who you really are.

“Begin making choices based on what makes you feel freer and happier,” says Martha Beck, “rather than how you think an ideal life should look. Feel your way towards happiness.”

3. Your love for your husband has died

“It was though there was a door to love between us,” writes a wife in Should I Stay or Should I Go? “He kept slamming it closed when he’d act that way, and I kept opening it. I kept talking, working, pleading, asking, crying, trying. I kept opening that door to love. One day I reached out, and there was no handle on the door. It was just gone.”

Walking away is the most loving thing you can do in a relationship that can’t be saved. Saying, “yes, I should get a divorce” is a sign that you still have the ability to love yourself, save yourself, and become healthy, happy, and whole again. Staying in a loveless marriage isn’t helpful to your husband, your children, or anyone connected with you.

4. You’re waiting to stop loving him

Have you already accepted that your husband isn’t the right partner for you? Maybe you know for sure that he won’t change because you’ve been married for 25 years. You know he doesn’t love you, and you may even suspect he never did love you.

And yet, you still love him. This is natural! It’s completely normal to love your husband even if he hasn’t been loving towards you. You married him for a reason, you’re sharing your life and money and children and possessions with him…of course you love him. But, the feeling of love isn’t a reason to stay in a unhealthy one-sided relationship. It may feel confusing and strange to decide you should divorce a man you love…but sometimes we need to let go of someone we love in order to save ourselves.

5. You have no energy to keep fighting to save your marriage

“We don’t take your commitment lightly,” writes Bancroft in Should I Stay or Should I Go? “We understand that you’ve committed yourself deeply to this relationship. We also know that women in destructive relationships work so hard and endure so much that they finally reach the place of not wanting to do it anymore.”

It’s okay to honor your exhaustion and your feelings of helplessness. Good relationships take hard work and commitment, and the rewards is more connection and love. Destructive relationships steal your heart, soul, energy, and life – and marriage is not supposed to be like that. Honor yourself by allowing yourself to say yes when you ask yourself, Should I get a divorce?

6. Your husband breaks promises he made in counseling

If you and your husband went to marriage therapy or couples counseling, you may have been given “tasks” to help rebuild your relationship. Maybe you both committed to a specific type of change, or to try a new ways of relating to each other. Maybe your husband even made the changes he promised, and you started to believe you shouldn’t even think about getting a divorce.

Leaving a marriage is a good decision if your husband breaks the commitments he made during counseling and if he refuses to be answerable for his actions. If deliberately he hurts you, threatens to harm himself or your family, cheats on you and lies to you, then you need to get emotional support from a counselor or a trusted friend. It’s very damaging to start rebuilding trust in your husband, only to revert to the original unhealthy relationship.

7. You’ve tried everything, but still ask “Should I get a divorce?”

For your own peace of mind, you need to try different ways to save your marriage before you decide you should get a divorce. Read Should I Stay or Should I Go? A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can – and Should – Be Saved – it’s an excellent, in-depth resource for saving a relationship. You could try couples counseling or marriage therapy, go on marriage or couples retreats, or engage in an online marriage coaching course.

But, you also need to know when to let go.

“You deserve to be cherished, to feel loved and supported in your partnership,” writes Bancroft in Should I Stay or Should I Go? “You give these things and you deserve them back…We don’t want to see you martyr yourself to be there for a man who is not doing a good job of being there for you.”

You want the best for your husband, your children, and your family as a whole. You’ve glimpsed the loving, kind, warm nature of your husband – after all, you married him for a reason! But you also need to know when to stop trying to save your marriage, and when to start saving yourself. If you’re being repeatedly torn down or treated coldly, you have the right to let your marriage go.

8. You want but aren’t getting the intimacy you need

Some marriages are positive and healthy even without physical or emotional intimacy. It depends on the couples’ expectations, lifestyle, agreement, and physical needs. Emotional connection and/or sexuality isn’t a key need for some women and men, so a lack of physical intimacy isn’t a big deal.

How to Know if Divorce is the Best Decision

How to Know if Divorce is the Best Decision

However, if you’re not receiving the emotional intimacy or physical affection and contact you need from your husband, then you may need to move on. Many women need emotional intimacy, or they wither on the vine. Women – and men – need to know their spouses are invested emotionally and physically in their marriages, that both partners are trying to give the other what they need.

“When I reflect on what was missing from my marriage (and I am feeling honest), I usually come to the same conclusion: Me,” says Al Corona on Divorced Men And Women Reveal What Was Missing From Their Marriages (the link to the original article on the Huffington Post is below). “I wasn’t invested enough. Sure, I can lay blame and say it was because my partner did not give me what I needed, but truth be told, I could have been better. I could have found a way to keep us on track. I could have done more.”

9. You told your husband you would leave if he…

On 8 Ways to Cope With an Alcoholic Husband, Ramona shared that she told her husband over and over that if he got drunk at noon again, she would leave him. He continued to drink every day at lunchtime; she continued to threaten him with a divorce.

Have you repeatedly drawn boundaries with your husband – and has he repeatedly ignored them? Then yes, without a doubt you should get a divorce! This is one of those times that the answer is clear and obvious. If you and your husband are going around and around in circles, you’re enabling each other. You’re trapped in a codependent marriage. You’re just helping each other dig deeper and deeper into the pit of despair instead of inspiring each other to rise, grow, and Blossom.

10. You know deep down that you should get a divorce

Choose authentically. Listen to the still small voice inside you that knows what you need to do. Ask that still small voice, “Should I get a divorce?” and listen carefully. Pay attention to your body. Draw upon your deeper wisdom. Ask yourself for advice, and be honest with yourself. It will be a relief to learn what’s true for you – even though it may mean some painful days ahead! But this will be authentic pain that will lead to authentic joy.

“Our relationship while married had somehow developed into a non-meaningful one,” says Amy Johnson on Divorced Men And Women Reveal What Was Missing From Their Marriages (the link to the original article on the Huffington Post is below). “I felt like we were robots getting through the day. We looked happy superficially, however just below the surface, we’d grown into two different people, and the connection and partnership we’d formed all those years ago was no longer a sustainable one and we were so unhappy. Now that we are divorced and our relationship is based solely on raising our children, I consider it one of the most meaningful relationships I have.”

Final thoughts – should I get a divorce?

Remember that it doesn’t serve you to stay in a marriage that is unhappy or unhealthy. You aren’t doing your children a favor by refusing to take action in a relationship that you know in your heart isn’t good.

What do you say? While I can’t offer advice – or tell you the answer to your ‘should I get a divorce?’ question – I do read every comment. I encourage you to respond to other readers’ comments if you feel led, and to share your experience. Writing often brings clarity and insight, and can help you process your feelings.

Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what could be.

The pain of making the right decision will be soothed by the joy of becoming your authentic self. When you make your choice, inner resources will begin to unfurl in you. External resources – people, money, jobs, support networks you didn’t know existed – will start to appear. Your future will start to arrange itself. What lies ahead is far greater than what lies behind…if you have the courage to reach upwards and inwards, and Blossom into the woman God created you to be.

Have faith. Take heart.

Quotes from Amy Johnson, Al Corona, and Amy Kristine were excerpted from Divorced Men And Women Reveal What Was Missing From Their Marriages, on the Huffington Post.


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41 thoughts on “How to Know if Divorce is the Best Decision”

  1. I know it’s the right decision to leave but I’m terrified. We have been together for over 30 years and starting over is scary. I am always walking on eggshells hoping not to say some innocent remark that he takes the wrong way and blows up into a huge argument. It’s like he’s Jekyl and Hyde – I never know when he walks in the door if it’s safe to say hello or if I should just get out of the way. I’m exhausted and I just can’t do it anymore, but I have felt this way before and stayed. The difference this time is he actually threw his cellphone at me head, missing me by inches. He hasn’t apologized, we haven’t even spoken since it happened several days ago. With the pandemic going on, we are stuck together in this house. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

  2. I think divorce is the best decision but I just can’t bring myself to pull the plug and leave my husband. My husband is an addict, and his current drug is adderall. I spend about $300 plus monthly to keep him decent. I told him almost a year and a half ago to stop doing drugs. He’ll stay up for days. Our house is piled high with trash, unfinished projects. I tried taking trash out but he would not let me. He is verbally abusive, has pushed me more than once, threw objects, and yesterday he locked me out of the house. I was hurt, but yet I felt peace. I know he has a disease (addiction) but he has made no efforts. It’s only gotten worse. He has never worked. Should I leave or stay? I love him but I am unhappy, and he is not the same man I married.

    1. You should go. If nothing else, separate yourself from him. There are legal separations through court you could do also. But if he is abusive, protect yourself from his controlling and hurtful ways. You never know when it will get worse.

      I recently forced my addicted and abusive husband out as well. I’m not sure about divorce yet, but I refuse to let him be near my daughter again because of the abuse.

  3. Was on anti depressants for 20 years. Been completely off for almost 1 year. Didn’t really have to feel feelings fully as I was numb. Prior, I had an explosive temper that I struggled to control. (Was an emotionally abused child.) Was told it will be another full year before I know how I will be. It is strange to have feelings again and trying to deal with them. Had an explosion tonight and my husband told me to “get the f out”. I shouted back, “you”. He has been after me to get back on anti depressants since I got off of them. I have to find my support elsewhere. I can’t even go into all the things that went on that added to the craziness. When I first came off of them, my adrenals tanked and I was living off of 1.5 – 4 hours of sleep a night. This went on for months. It started to get really crazy. Menopause and withdrawal collided. (Yes, I withdrew slowly and it went well until done for a few days.) He is 22 years older than I am. I wish I could completely describe all the ways I feel emotionally abused. I no longer know who I am. It is like I woke up and keep wondering how I got so old and how did I get here? My daughter barely speaks with him and he doesn’t understand. My youngest recently told me that, “He treats you like crap and you keep taking it. When will you fight back?” I told him that all it does is cause him to get mad, then I may get the silent treatment for weeks at a time. I learned long ago that arguing back only has worse consequences. Then I feel guilty because I am trying to keep my side of the street clean and God doesn’t like resentments, which clearly I have. God also doesn’t condone divorce. So I keep working on myself, trying to be a better person. I have health problems now that are not resolved so have tests coming up and chronic pain. He has chronic pain too which makes him irritable. I have gone to counseling and brought him to it at one point and he is fine as long as I am the identified patient but as soon as she started to get into his stuff he got all huffy and wouldn’t listen and bad mouthed her to me. I have tried to talk about it in the Christian circle but am told we need marriage counseling. It would be up to me to set it up and probably pay for it. It seems like it is always up to me and I am tired. There is so much more and it is so complicated that I can’t see straight. And now, because I yelled at him and lost my temper due to the chronic stress, I can plan on getting the silent treatment for quite awhile. I don’t even like myself anymore. I guess for now I just be quiet and keep praying and listening for a response. I hope God brings me home but at the same point, when I leave here, I would like to leave in victory, not like this. I also don’t know if part of his problem is age related. If that is the case then I should stay as it would fall under, “for better or for worse”. It’s been going on so long that I just don’t know. What I do know is that I haven’t worked a job that is good enough, now I am too skinny according to him, and the list can go on and on. I feel loved by God, but unloved by family and my friends don’t know. I’m not sure I have the words to describe what I feel. I guess “lost” is about as close as I can come. Our prayer group got uncomfortable when I asked for prayer and more or less swept it under the rug. But really, what else could they do? I have contacted my counselor again to get back into it. I feel so depleted I almost feel like someone else needs to take over and tell me what to do and guide me through this.

  4. I read a very interesting article about fear based vs goal driven people. I have been staying in my relationship out of fear, mostly. Fear of losing that extra income, fear that I won’t be loved by someone else, fear that I’ll damage our daughter by breaking up the family, fear of being alone and trying to make it work on my own. All of those fears made it worth it to just keep going in the same relationship.

    My husband is not a good decision maker financially. He was raised poorly, with a mentally ill father figure.
    I am concerned if I stay with him, I’ll never have a good life . This month, He didn’t pay the car payment fully, and so they came to reposess it. Now he’s hiding out , trying to come up with the money to get it in good standing. It’s already been repo’d once. He chose not to tell me both times, even though I told him the first time this happened that he needed to tell me . I only hear about when the repo man comes to my door asking for the car.
    This is just part of the problem . I’m too old to be going through this with some guy. I see everyone around me doing something with themselves and he is always just scraping by. I don’t want to do that forever . But he always repeats his mistakes. He hardly learns from them.
    He’s been gone for 2 weeks + and I don’t miss him . I don’t miss having sex with him and Im adjusting to being alone. It’s making me realize maybe I don’t need him. We never had a great sex life and hurts and pains along the way have made me block him off. I have never found his body attractive, very skinny and bony, with no real muscles , unless he works out which is never. I don’t ever fantasize about him doing anything to me sexually anymore.

    I never wanted to date him but he just sucked me in . It was like a soul connection but it has faded so much.

    He fights for us to be together if I ever say I want to break up and Im starting to think I just need to plan to leave behind his back instead of telling him, and him going crazy.
    It’s hard though , I want to just tell him how I feel sometimes, but then I remember that I have, and we are right back here again. It’s a waste of time and energy.

  5. Of all the articles and help I have been looking for and things I have read about possible emotional abuse (in denial numerous times until last week and now everything is different), narcissistic patterns and my codependency ways, THIS IS THE BEST ONE. Thank you. Thank you. This speaks to my soul… it aligns with my soul and also reminds me to have faith. A lot of the other articles are about how tough it’s going to be and breed even more fear and anxiety. But your article felt like a guide to allow what I already felt, even though scared. I can only write this for now. But will be back when I have more time. I appreciate this loving site. Here’s to the path of authentic self love.

    1. This to shall pass like all the chapters in life. I must go on and choose divorce. My dad says do not think about how many times because that does not define who you are! We need you most of all healthy! That’s it that’s what I am choosing and with God everything is possible! I have not missed any miracles he has already given to me.

  6. Im so confused and dont know What to do anymore. we struggled with depression Since i was a young teenager, and im still cdealing with it every day. My husband is the type of Person that cant understand depression( hes the type to say just get over it Why let things get to you. You let stuff bother you way to much) so needless to say I cannot talkto him when I have my lowest Lows, I have no one, Im struggling with who I am, I feel like I have lostmyself, I am at the point where I have to fake smiles. I don’t know Where to turn I don’t have anyone to talk to, I feel like I need to ask permission for and anything everything.
    There are so many emotions running through my head and body that I dont even know what to think or Say. Imjustgoing through the motions of life but not living. Iwant to do more things however I know that if I make plans my husband meraciously came up with something that I wanted to do previously and now it’s happening so I have to cancel my Original plans. I don’t want to keep rambling on and on but like I said before, there are so many emotions and thoughts running through me that I need to get them all out before I go crazy. I need some serious help and I don’tknow where to go or where to turn.

  7. May you find wisdom and courage as you struggle with this major life decision. It’s so hard to know if divorce is the best option, especially when you have children and even babies to take care of. It’s never an easy choice.

    I wish I had the right words or advice, but I don’t. All I can do is pray for you and your family. May God pour His wisdom, love, healing and peace into your life. I pray for hope and help, for clarity and insight. I pray that you make the best decision for you and your family – whether it’s divorce, staying married, or getting individual or couples counseling. May you find the right people, support and resources so you can move forward with faith and courage. Above all, may you sense the presence of Jesus in your life. May you be surprised by His guidance and strengthened by His love.


  8. I’m glad I found this site. I’ve been unhappily married for the last six years. We’ve got a toddler and one on the way. My husband shut me out sexually for the first four years of our marriage, he had issues with premature ejaculation. He never admitted it or sought for help, so as a coping mechanism and to remain faithful I checked out emotionally in that regard. He came around in the fourth year but same empty promises of seeking help and now we don’t bother with it because it’s terrible. We literally only did for procreation purposes. He doesn’t trust me, he never has in fact he calls me a lot through the day just to know where I am. He’s laid back and unhappy with his career but isn’t doing much to improve that or our finances. Whenever he sees me getting frustrated and looking as though I want to leave he starts the usual begging and buying of gifs. Meanwhile on my birthday anniversary etc he doesn’t buy me anything neither does he take me or his son out. He’s emotionally unavailable. He’s literally repulsive to me now because of his hard and mean nature. I can’t even stand the thought of me kissing him. He says he’d improve but after over 4 years of counseling in our 6 year marriage there isn’t any improvement. He changes for about two weeks and that’s about it. If something isn’t convenient even if it involves his son he isn’t doing it.he loves his own company and even tells us he’d be in the sitting room if we decide to be in the bedroom. I’m literallt only thinking about my child and the one unborn because our son is so close to him, divorce would damage him. I’m unhappy and frankly uninterested in making it work. How do I know these aren’t more broken promises? It’s been a pattern and I’m just not sure it will change. When I look at him I see him as the father of my children. Outside that, I nothing him. No hate, no love. I am pregnant and broken. He says let’s go for counseling again and he’d take out time to spend and reconnect emotionally and physically but I just can’t bring myself to believe him. My mind is closed and I don’t know how to open it.

  9. I have a 9 week old son. My husband doesn’t have any thing to do with him or me. He never touches me or our son. When he gets home from work he goes upstairs and changes and plays his video game. Sometimes he watches tv “with us.” He never wants to hold him, talk to him, help with bathtime, nothing. In the mornings before work when our son is up he doesn’t acknowledge us, just walks downstairs to watch tv or play his game. I told him last night I need more. He said I know I know you touched and talked to.

    Wow. Like I’m a burden. I tried so hard to get him to engage our son and talk to him last night, and he said “he’s talking a lot I didn’t want him to stop if I tried.” He was playing his game and I asked him to stop, He came upstairs and just fell asleep. Very alert when playing the game. He has an excuse for everything. Our son cries when he does try to hold him about once a week because he doesn’t know who has him and has no connection.

    I feel like I did nothing to deserve this life. I try so hard to do sweet things for my husband and be understanding that he needs his space, but he never touches me or acknowledges my existence. I don’t want this for my son. But if we divorce, his family will want to see the baby so they’ll fight for custody even though my husband could care less. I don’t know what to do. I can’t keep on being in such a loveless life and so alone. But I can’t lose my son. I can’t subject him to going to his dads house and being ignored the entire week. At least with us together he has me all the time. This is torture and I feel so beaten down and discouraged.

  10. I am currently facing a very difficult situation. I am unhappily marriage with two Kids.I recently moved to London Ontario with my family from Africa, leaving my very secured Job.My Husband is a PHD student and I am looking for a job , which is not forthcoming yet.
    To cut the story short , My hobby wants a divorce as he feels we are not in the same social class. Meaning I am not equally as educated as he is.He wants me to move out when I secure a job and make some savings to be on my own leaving my girls with him.

  11. The list sounds so easy but in reality is so hard. I’m 57 and between a car accident and my husband’s temper I deal with a lot of pain which makes a job impossible but I was denied disability 2 years ago. When things are good they’re so very good and for years I thought I had a handle on his triggers and finally managed to avoid or at least minimize the the violent and destructive fights that was a part of our early years but now everything has came full circle I can no longer predict what may set him off and sometimes I wonder if what additional damage to my health the stress is causing is worth the effort.

  12. Why is it that only husband is the bad person every thing you said about if divorce is the only solution portraying the husband as the problem and wife the victom well that’s my marriage as we speak 24 years together but it’s the opposite with my marriage and I’m stressed frustrated lost ???????

  13. I am just in the process of moving out after being with my husband for 13 years.

    Our problems started about 3/4 years ago after our second child.
    He’s a good man, he’s a great dad and he works really hard.

    But I just felt like any work I did I was just a wage and it was an annoyance for him to have to fit round,
    He hasn’t told me he loves me for years and questiined why he says because he’s not sure he does?

    This all built up to me developing feeling fit someone else at work and that has opened to my eyes to issues we have he is fully aware of my feeling for someone else I told him all about it

    So now I am trying to be authentic and staying with who I am, being married for love, feeling like I am making a massive mistake moving out but not knowing what else to do?

    I asked him if we could start again build slowly , he said no that’s wasn’t enough for him,

    Wilk I gain some perspectuve once I move out and realise what I am loosing

    I have two young boys who we will share time with,
    Now that the time I am going to be without thdm everyday approaches I think no amount of personal happiness is worth how much I will miss them?

  14. I have been married for 19 1/2 years to someone I thought was a good hearted person when we met. Years later, he is verbally abusive and has resorted to insults, criticizm and hurtful and hateful statements to me when he is angry. He is very sarcastic and often will yell at me for no reason and then kiss me and thank me for doing whatever. I know he is narcissistic and controlling– he got that behavior from his mom. I can no longer live this way and seriously planning on leaving. there are no children involved as he already had a daughter by his first wife and did not want more kids; I do have a big furbaby that is my only child, shelters are out of the question. Money is nowhere to be found and I am looking to move 6 hours to be closer to my family. I have reached my enough!! Don’t know if he will try to stop me from going. I just need to trust God that He has a much better life planned for me than what I am currently living. Any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated. Loved your article and thank you for understanding.

  15. Hi, I’m so glad I found this page because it gave me some perspective but I would still like to see your opinions.
    My husband and I have been married for 8 years and 4 months ago had our third child.
    First my husband doesn’t support me financially because he says you have a source of income but he will occasionally pay the rent and two other bills. But I pay for the internet my phone and I buy groceries once a month and then he will go buy groceries if the food finishes.
    Second he has explosive anger where he goes from 0 to rage. Example the other day I asked to go run some errands with my two children while the baby he slept. He said no the car doesn’t have gas then I said that’s okay I will put gas then he said no again and I said but why I’m fine with putting gas then he said I’m in a bad mood stop making this long and under my breath I said wow this man is crazy then he says didn’t I tell you to stop then he grabs the baby’s chair and throws into our 50” screen tv. I couldn’t believe he did that and started yelling at him and then he says I’m sick, my kidney hurts and then I said that’s no excuse. Btw I bought the tv with my money along with everything else in the house except our bedroom set he bought that. And that’s not first time he breaks stuff. Anyways he got dressed and left. Next day he tells me I’m going on a road trip with my friends and then I said but I thought your sick then he ignored me and left. Bottom line he wasn’t sick, just having a bad day that he didn’t even tell me about.

    There is actually too many things that go on in our marriage so I’m just going to give the ones that are making me want to leave…
    He disrespects me on all levels.. from cursing to putting me down and making me feel ugly
    He lies to me a lot…
    When we get into a fight he has to make it huge and he will block my number from his phone, he won’t sleep in our bed, he will barely talk to the kids, he will ignore me on all levels and sometimes he will leave the house and stay with a friend.
    A month after I gave birth, my husband and I fought so he left the house for a month!!! He didn’t even bother checking on us.

    Any insight would be great! Thanks!

  16. I am so heartbroken at the thought of yet another divorce. We have been married for 3 years, together for 4. We have a 3 year old together and he has one almost adult child whom he was never married to the mother and I have 3 children from a previous marriage. My last marriage ended for the same reason and I’m starting to think it’s me. I know I can be difficult as I am very female and pretty high maintenance, but I also give too. I support my husband 100% domestically and he supports up financially. I take care of myself and I am very willing to meet his needs in the bedroom. I hear from friends that is a problem in many marriages yet they seem happy. My husband and I fight constantly. It usually has to do with my feelings being hurt or from me not feeling adored by my spouse. Then when I bring it up, he gets so mad. If I even look a certain way after being disappointed it throws him into rage. He will scream at me and call me names. This happens a few times a month. We have had problems in the past with his alcoholism and me with jealousy. Those are good reasons to argue, but now we just argue over everything. I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of divorce, but I know being married isn’t healthy as of now. We truly are a mess. Seems so stupid. If you love someone why is it so hard to want to meet their needs like in the beginning. Perhaps he really doesn’t love me and that’s why. He would say the same about me I’m sure. He says I always make him feel guilty. If he would just reach out and show me he loved me by action and touch and time, I wouldn’t feel the need to ask for it and show disappointment when I don’t get it. Which gives him rage. Absolute rage. He calls me every name in the book and says some of the meanest things I’ve ever been told. For instance the last two times: we hiked up a mountain and at the top his friend was calling, he answered it and talked to his friend immaturely for a few minutes. I was taken back as we were out of state on a romantic getaway and just hiked up a mountain to a beautiful lookout. I got silent and he started on me saying here we go again etc. I said I was offended but will get over it. He hiked down way in front of me and drove us into town crazy and screaming at me. Then the last time was this weekend. He promised me that we would walk on the treadmill together during our gym visit. After my class and his weight lifting, he came to get me and said let’s leave. I said I thought we were going to do the treadmill together and he told me all the reasons he didn’t want to. I again got silent as I was disappointed again and in the car on the way home, more cursing and screaming at me. I literally didn’t say anything except I was looking forward to that time together. What do you all think? What is going on here? Seems so stupid but obviously isn’t because a marriage is a stake here. Can anyone possibly from my husbands side explain what is going on? I’m so confused and at a loss:( My heart is heavy.

    1. Hi. I’m so very, very sorry for your pain and anguish! I think I have some idea what you are experiencing.

      Although I’ve never met your husband from what you describe he sounds as if he has Narc borderline personality disorder. If that is indeed his issue there will be absolutely NOTHING and I do mean NOTHING to appease him.

      Take care of yourself and good luck.
      listen to your intuition it will guide you correctly.

  17. You’re in my thoughts and prayers, JJ. It’s so sad and difficult to let go of hope for your marriage, to face the truth and really assess whether divorce is the best option.

    But, there’s also freedom in this! Jesus called us to love and serve each other, the way He served and loved us. He was never abusive, manipulative, or controlling…and He would never condone abuse. If your husband isn’t loving you in a Christ-centered way, then the answer to me is clear.

    Of course, I know that it’s never this easy. You may know the truth about your marriage, but it hurts to let go. Walking away from even the most painful relationship is hard. It won’t be easy, JJ….but it facing the truth is always worth the pain it causes.

    Stay in touch. Sign up for my email newsletter. You can never have too much encouragement to Blossom into who God created you to be!


  18. Hi Laurie
    So glad I found this website as acknowledging the truth my marriage is finally over has been a long time coming!
    I have been married 17 years, my second marriage and it is hard to think here we go again so I have stuck with years of being shouted and sworn at ( and if you knew me you would appreciate how unbelievable that sounds!) .
    I am criticised for not doing the very thing I have been criticised for doing and the last straw came this week when I asked my husband to help hold a shovel while I moved some dirt and got told it was my problem!!
    I feel there has been no compassion or cherishing of our love for sometime and intimacy between us is a thing of the past. Some of that is physical due to medical reasons but for my part why would I want to be hugged and kissed let alone make love to someone who grinds my self esteem to dust.
    Whenever I try to talk about things my husband brings up how he has ‘brought up my kids ‘ ( from first marriage) forgetting I also brought up his 3 although they left earlier and how he has been good enough to pay for everything, and while I was ill with cancer treatment , but I earn as much as he does now!
    He also hides money from me, and says it’s for a Rainey day. In fairness when we have been short he will provide but then if ever there is an argument he throws up how he never has his money .
    I find it all so exhausting now. I am sure I am not nice to live with anymore because he has turned me into someone I don’t recognise, and emotionally I feel shut down. The timing of his latest outburst could not have been worse as my mum has just had a terminal diagnosis, I have got a new dog ( on adviseof therapist after I had acompkete breakdown last year when my dad died and mum had a brain haemorrhage)because I find emotionally that my dog is surest support , their love is unconditional and I can focus on just walking and breathing and being with the dog. My husband latest tirad is to tell me he doesn’t want a dog in our lives and it feels like he just taking away deliberately the only thing that is keeping me from going nuts.

    As a Christian I believe in the sanctity of marriage and commitment but feel I have tried over and over again and there is none of me left to fight now. I also don’t believe the way my husband is towards me is biblical and when I look at those of my friends in strong Christian marriages how there husbands love and support them it just breaks my heart. I can’t remember when he last told me he loved me, I can recall 3 occasions in the last week when I was shouted and sworn at. Enough has to be enough .
    And yet I am strangely calm no tears , I think he has killed the last bit of love I was holding on to. Thanks for listening.

  19. Three months ago my husband of 27 years left me for one of our family friends. He was having an affair with her for almost a year, and is in love with her. He plans to spend the rest of his life with her. He moved in with her shortly after he told me. We started the divorce process and I know it’s the best decision. But husband somehow thought I’d be okay with this and we’d all still be friends. I don’t know how he could be so delusional, but he’s surprised that I don’t want to associate with them. I’m getting exercise, have reached out to friends, am on an antidepressant, am seeing a counselor and have begun journaling. What else can I do to take care of myself and move on?

  20. I’ve been married for 32 years. My husband has always lied to me, there has been some physical abuse, but more mental abuse than anything else. I just said to him that I finally figured out why I was so depressed. He just looked at me, so I continued with saying that I’d knew he didn’t want to be here and that he didn’t love me. He just looked at me, left the room and went to bed.

    I have no family except for grown children. My story is a long one so I won’t force you to listen, I just don’t know what to do. He won’t go to any kind of counseling. He says that I’m the one that has all of the problems and issues, why should he go. He has lied to everyone that I know saying that I’m crazy. Imstarting to believe him. Please help me.

    1. Sue,

      Please accept my most sincerest of support for all the pain you have endured over the years. From what you have described in your submission it sounds as if you husband has little if NO empathy for you! He sounds like a narcissist. My advice to you is to find the quickest way to get as far away from him as possible.

  21. I’ll be married for 12yrs next month spouse only been able to hold a job for two yrs at the most
    Not providing or being a good husband trying to leave without him knowing any places in Houston Tx. Any feed back help

  22. Dear JAS,

    I don’t know if your relationship with your husband will continue to improve, or if he’ll fall back into old patterns. I don’t think anyone can predict what the future holds for your marriage – not even your husband or you. Sometimes we think we have something managed and under control, and it pops up to bite us. Other times we worry and fret for nothing.

    What do you think about acting as if your husband will continue to be the husband you always wanted? Instead of wondering what the future holds, maybe you could just live it and see. Maybe you could put off the “is divorce the best option?” question until you actually have a problem to deal with. Until then, maybe you and your husband could just live and see what unfolds.

    How does that idea feel to you?

    1. Thanks Laurie, I think I’m just angry and full of resentment for the last 20 years, I need to own that and work through it. I would love to feel like I’m in love, to want to kiss and hold him- but I don’t. I don’t know if I’ve ever loved him or if I did it was so long ago I can’t remember. Im not sure if I’ve ever loved anyone except my children. I feel empty and that I’ve been playing a part in a play and don’t know who I am anymore. I’m going to work on who I am and take it from there. I do need to just accept the present and try to enjoy my husband being nice, for however long it lasts. Thanks for replying Laurie

  23. I’ve been married for 20 years, we have two teenage children and I don’t love my husband anymore. He was never there for me or our children- I’ve spent most of the last two decades being miserable, moaning about him never having the courage to leave. He’s controlling, aggressive, lazy and selfish- or should I say was.I don’t know when I stopped loving him but it’s been a long time, i can remember being angry and let down by him from before we married, I married him because I didn’t think I deserved any better. But i had enough last year and got the courage to tell him I was leaving- since then he has been 80% better, less angry and controlling nicer, more loving to me. I thought he’d slip back but he’s been like this for four months. The problem is I feel it’s too late, I resent him for so much over the years, I don’t want to kiss him, cuddle him or tell him I love him- he tells me all the time and I answer- yes I love you too but I don’t. But now he has become the husband I wanted but I can’t forgive him for the past- and I don’t want to waste another 20 years with someone I don’t love or like but he is really trying. I tried many times to leave but he would beg for me to have him back then two weeks later he’d start slipping back. I’m miserable but scared and don’t know what to do anymore. I’m scared of being on my own but scared to stay with him. Can I fall back in love with him? Or should I stay as he treats me well now? My son has got himself into lots of trouble for the last 8 years- drugs, theft and now mental health issues and leaving would affect him but I’m scared of never finding someone I truly love. I know I have to be the one to fix this but I don’t know anymore, I’ve been dealing with this for 20 years. Thanks for listening.

  24. The main difference between separation and divorce is that divorce ends the marriage. Spouses return to an unmarried status and are thus are allowed to remarry. Separation lets couples keep their married status while acknowledging that they are no longer living together.

  25. Dear Over,

    In one of the “save your marriage” books I recently read, the authors said that emotional exhaustion is one of the main ways a person decides that divorce is the best decision. She is simply too tired to keep fighting, to keep trying, to keep working on the marriage and hoping things will change.

    It sounds like you’re at that stage; you’re just tired of the whole exhausting trial of being married.

    One question that occurred to me while reading your story was this: How are your kids being affected by you and your husband?

    For me, that would be the deciding factor.

    What do you think?

  26. My husband and I have been married for almost 10 yrs and have 3 beautiful children together. To get straight to it I have now asked him for a divorce for the second time. The last time was just over a yr aho and we decided to try to work it out for the kids and do couples therapy. I have stood by my husband through more than most women would have. Between drugs, constant fighting, gambling, and potential prison time over several yrs I can say that I’ve been a decent wife through it all and stood by my husband. But I have gotten to a point where I’m exhausted. I’m what’s considered a married single mom sense I’m at home with kids and my husband is on the road 90% of the time for work. My husband has accused me of giving up on everything I do but I am just emotionally checked out. I don’t know what to do anymore. I do love him but I feel like I’ve gotten lost along this crazy road of life. All I do is take care of my wonderful babies that I lover with all my heart and take care of the home and bills. I don’t know if I can keep trying to b strong and keep trying. It shouldnt b this hard to b happy and I’m at a loss.

  27. When I said “stop analyzing and Scripture”, I meant in context of trying to decide if you should divorce your husband. I didn’t mean in general, or always! I just meant that the exact answer to your question may not be actually in God’s word.

    I totally agree with the apostle Paul, who describes all Scripture as ‘God-breathed’ (2 Timothy 3:16). The Bible is not just inspired in the way that artists, poets, composers and musical performers can be said to be inspired. It actually has God’s breath, his Spirit, in it. The Bible is one of the main ways in which God speaks to us.

    Scripture is necessary for our continuing faith and growth, because ‘every part of Scripture is God-God-breathed and useful one way or another – showing us truth, exposing our rebellion, correcting our mistakes, training us to live God’s way. Through the Word we are put together and shaped up for the tasks God has for us’ (2 Timothy 3:16–17, MSG).

    As the Catechism of the Catholic Church puts it, Scripture is ‘written under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, [with] God as [its] author’. – from Nicky Gumbel’s Bible in One Year, October 24 commentary.

    I will keep you in my prayers!

  28. I believe the reason God hates divorce is because it is destructive for the whole entire family. Divorce is disunity and disconnection — and our God is one of connection, relationship, unity, and peace! So of course God hates divorce….but that doesn’t mean divorce shouldn’t exist, or be pursued. It just means it’s heartbreaking. Like, for example, putting a beloved pet to sleep because it is too sick or old to continue living. God hates death, but sometimes death is necessary. That’s how I see God and divorce.

    Only you can decide if divorce is the best option for you. I encourage you to set aside 30 minutes every morning, and seek God’s will for your life and marriage. Just open your heart and mind. Take out your private journal, and write your heart out. Write questions, tell God what’s happening, describe how you feel and what you think. Ask Him for help, guidance.

    Get it all out in writing, on paper, in your personal journal. Take time to listen. It sounds like you’re scrambling around so much, you’re frantically searching for permission to pursue divorce. I don’t know if Scripture has that answer for you….but I do believe God does.

    Take a deep breath, and grow your relationship with Him. Seek the Holy Spirit — look for that peace that surpasses all understanding. Give Him time to talk to you! Maybe your number one question shouldn’t be “is divorce the best option?” Maybe your question should be “God, how do you see me? What do you want for my life? How can I know you better?”

    And, I encourage you to stop thinking and analyzing Scripture. It sounds to me like you know in your heart what you want to do, but you don’t feel free to pursue it. You want a clear answer from God, and you want it from the Bible. I don’t know if you’ll get that…but I know you WILL get peace from Him if you pursue His Holy Spirit.

    I will keep you in my prayers!! May you feel the flow of His goodness, love, acceptance, and peace in your life.

    In Christ,

  29. Laurie, I have gone to so many ministers and I am a Bible believing Christian. The Bible is clear that unless there is adultery, divorce is not an option. The main scripture other than “God hates divorce” is from 1 Peter Chapter 2….he writes…”18 Slaves, in reverent fear of God submit yourselves to your masters, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh. 19 For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God. 20 But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. 21 To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.

    22 “He committed no sin,
    and no deceit was found in his mouth.”[e]
    23 When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. 24 “He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” 25 For “you were like sheep going astray,”[f] but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.” So, you say, but this is about slaves, and yes, he is addressing slaves/or employees….slaves cannot escape their masters. Then, he writes in 1 Peter 3 “3 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.” I loved your response and dream of the day I can escape this life, but cannot find any scripture for ME to get me out. I know for a FACT there has been no adultery committed and I understand why God allows divorce because of the violation of the covenant between man and wife when he enters another….I don’t know, I just wish so bad I had a way out. Also, thank you for your compassion.

  30. Dear LH,

    Thank you for being here; I am sorry God hasn’t healed your marriage or helped your husband overcome his anger problem and bullying tendencies! It sounds like you already know if divorce is the best decision, but something is holding you back.

    I don’t have any answers for you, but here are some questions that help me make difficult decisions in my life. You may find it helpful to write your answers down in your private journal, and to wrestle with your own thoughts and emotions until you find peace. It’s entirely possible that God isn’t healing your husband because of reasons we’ll never know…and the crux of faith is surrender to His will.

    Maybe God’s will for you and your husband is divorce. I don’t know…but here are a few questions for you to ponder:

    How is your marriage affecting your behavior, thoughts and emotions?

    How does staying with your husband keep you safe?

    How does your marriage protect you from being vulnerable or hurt?

    What would it take to make this your marriage painful enough that you would seek divorce?

    What are you not willing to do?

    If you ask Jesus about this, what do you think He would say?

    Who is someone you know that is healthy in this area that can help you?

    Which path (staying in this marriage, or deciding that divorce is the best decision) leads to more life, possibilities, and purpose?

    Go where the life is. Find ways to clear noise and clutter of unhealthy attachments, bad relationships, unhappy people. Listen to the still small voice of God – of divine wisdom and power! Be quiet so you can hear.

    Here’s another article that may interest you:

    5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship

    Take care of yourself. Listen for that still small voice – for you are smarter, stronger, and braver than you know. May you find peace, love, joy, compassion, and goodness. May you create a life you love, filled with hope and faith. May you Blossom!!

    In prayer,

  31. by the way, I have brought my circumstances to God for YEARS and begged for Him to help… husband is a huge bully and always throws everything back on me. I have read the Power of the Praying Wife, watched “War Room” fasted, prayed, begged others to pray for me….he is still a bully and treats me like dirt from the bottom of his shoe. I am grateful I never had children, and the door never opened for us to adopt so others can’t be affected by the way he treats me, but my dog senses it and cowers every time he comes in the room. When he starts screaming at me, she runs downstairs to get away and won’t come out until he leaves. Does that tell you anything? I have had people say, “it takes 2”, well, I get the brunt of it….

    1. My husband is a bully too! He used to admit to it after screaming at me for hours… but now, he’s calling me abusive. I knew there was a problem when I had said, “I wish you would just hit me.” I’m not proud of it… but it “felt easier to walk away.” How are you now? I realize this is from years ago…

  32. 2, 3, 5, 7, 8 and 10 fr sure, and 1 if you count mental and emotional as ‘abuse”. He has never hit me but has screamed at me 1000s of times and then denies it and bullies me to no end and we have not had sex in YEARS

  33. Hi Laura,

    Thanks for your comment! I agree – love is a choice, and not loving each other is not a criteria for divorce. It’s not the only way to know if divorce is the best decision.

    When I said “have faith”, I meant have faith that if you seek wisdom and guidance, you will make the decision that is best for you. Deciding if divorce is the best option is extremely complicated, and not as easy as just referring to the Bible and the Holy Spirit. There are so many painful and extenuating circumstances that lead to divorce, and I don’t believe that a husband or wife should stay in an unhappy or abusive marriage just because someone tells them “God hates divorce.”

    Yes, God does hate disunity and disconnection and conflict. He doesn’t want families split apart, or couples divorcing just because they don’t “feel the love.”

    Every circumstance is different, and every person must bring their situation to God. There is no one black or white answer – and that’s why I encourage believers to have faith when they’re trying to discern if divorce is the best decision for them.

  34. You end by saying “have faith”. There is zero faith that God can do the impossible while basing your decision on the above. Love is a choice. Yes, it does take two, but not loving each other is not criteria for divorce when you know God. Shouldn’t the Bible, and the Spirit within be what leads one’s decision to divorce?