How to Heal Your Heart Without Relationship Closure

Relationship closure after a breakup is important, but not necessary for healing your heart. It can be healthy to have a formal end or goodbye, but relationship closure not always possible. And even when it is possible, it may feel unsatisfactory or too sad for words. These eight ways to heal when a relationship ends without a good-bye will help you move on after an unexpected loss or breakup.

On End Your Affair With a Married Man and Heal Your Heart, a reader asked how to heal when there isn’t relationship closure. Her boyfriend abruptly broke up with her after three years together, and she sees him at work every day. “I can’t get over this breakup,” she said. “I know it’s because we didn’t have relationship closure but he refused to talk to me about why he wanted to break up. How can I heal when I see him all the time, when we didn’t even say good-bye properly?”

One of the most important things to remember about healthy relationship closure is that it has to involve physical and emotional distance. You can’t heal and move on if you’re still seeing your ex-boyfriend – and it’s even more difficult when you’re physically and emotionally involved with him. These tips will help you heal and find closure after a relationship ends, even if you didn’t have a formal good-bye.

Relationship closure is easier to write about than actually do. I understand how difficult and painful it is when someone just walks out without a word of explanation. It’s a terrible way to leave a relationship. And sometimes you lose someone emotionally and you’re forced to continue seeing them socially or professionally (such as a difficult breakup with a coworker you were involved with). Maybe you are parenting children together or you’re still part of the same family.

But you can heal without saying goodbye to the person you lost. Yes, it hurts. No, it won’t be easy. Yes, it will be worth it. Here’s what relationship closure is, plus suggestions for letting go of an ex-boyfriend or ex-husband.

What is Relationship Closure?

Healthy relationship closure happens when you talk about why your relationship ended– whether you’re a married wife, common-law girlfriend, estranged sister, or ostracized family member. Relationship closure involves honest, healthy, open-minded, nonjudgmental communication.

In my article about letting go of someone you love, a reader said she doesn’t feel she has closure after her relationship ended. Her fiancé of nine years wasn’t honest about why he left her. They didn’t talk about it, and so she wasn’t able to process the end of her relationship with him. This is unhealthy – especially if she doesn’t learn how to find closure on her own.

ruining my relationship the past

Relationship closure is important because it can teach you why your relationship didn’t work out. This can help you see yourself and your ex in healthy ways, and show you how to grow. Relationship closure also helps with letting go of someone you love. Closure can help you learn from the mistakes you made, and prepare your heart to love someone new.

Relationship closure helps you heal by setting your mind at ease about how your love relationship unfolded and why it ended. Even if you made mistakes and were part of the reason your relationship didn’t work out, closure can make you stronger by preparing you for future love relationships.

Denying someone closure when you’re breaking up is worse than unhealthy: it’s damaging and destructive. Healing comes faster and easier when you’ve had a chance to say goodbye.

Getting relationship closure is difficult because…

When you’re the one who needs or wants to let go of the relationship, you may find it easier to avoid talking about it! It’s natural for people to want to avoid pain. Relationship closure is difficult because it’s painful to talk about our problems, weaknesses and faults. Most of us aren’t taught how to manage conflict or work through problems in a relationship, and we find avoidance easier than discussion.

Relationship closure often triggers pain and grief, which is why some people find it easier to simply walk out or let go without explanation. This is what my reader’s fiancé was doing when he ended the relationship without giving her the gift of closure. He was trying to avoid causing her — and himself — pain, but he actually made things more painful in the long run.

Even if your relationship ended without a formal good-bye, you can heal your heart and move forward in your life! It’s a process that takes work, but it’s worth the effort.

8 Ways to Heal Your Heart Without Relationship Closure

Ideally, relationship closure involves two people. In reality, however, sometimes people simply walk out of our lives without looking back.

Throughout this article are resources for saying goodbye without formally ending a relationship. But, you have to realize that you’ll never learn all you need to know about healing without closure from a blog post like this. This is a summary of different ways to heal your heart, but there aren’t any easy or quick tips for emotional healing. Healing requires time and energy – but it really is worth it!

1. Write through the grieving process

Your life has changed. You have lost a relationship that meant something to you. You are grieving, and grief takes time. Part of the grieving process is learning how to let go of a relationship without talking about why it ended or how to move on in healthy ways.

One of the best ways to cope with the end of a relationship when you don’t have closure is to write. You’re grieving the end of a relationship, and writing will help you sort through your thoughts and feelings. You might write your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband several letters that express everything that’s inside of you – good and bad, ugly and beautiful. The letters can be as long as you need, and can even be divided into different “categories.” For instance, you might have a “Letter of Our Memories” in which you write about all the bad and good times you shared. You might have a “Letter of Confusion” that simply consists of all the questions you have for your ex. You can write one really long letter, and add to it for days or weeks.

Should you send the letters to your ex? It depends how you feel after three months have passed. Put the letters away for at least three months, and then re-read them. Would it change anything if your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband read the letters? What purpose would it serve? If you believe it would help with your own process of relationship closure, then you might send the letter. But for now, you need to focus on healing.

If you feel stuck in the grieving process, read Words of Comfort When Your Heart is Broken.

2. Refresh your home and work environment

If your ex-husband or ex-boyfriend moved out of the house, you might consider finding a new place to live. If someone you love passed on, you might even consider moving to a different state or province. I know this is a huge life change, but I think it’s one of the most practical ways to heal a broken heart when relationship closure is missing. Changing your environment will change your thoughts and emotions. You’re forcing yourself to see life and the world differently, which can help you move forward.

Do you think saying goodbye without relationship closure would be easier if you lived in an entirely new place? Even if you can’t move your home or change jobs immediately, allow your mind to play with the thought of living in a new environment. Where have you always dreamed of living, working, or wandering? This is your chance to explore the world with fresh new eyes!

Remember, however, that “wherever you go, there you are.” We don’t leave our emotional baggage behind when we leave a geographical or physical location. Going through the grieving process when a relationship ends without closure is the only way you’ll heal your heart and soul. Moving can make the process easier because it forces you to change your routine.

3. Reach for the stars

In her comment above, my reader mentioned that she worked hard on her career. Her job took a big portion of her life and time. Now might be the perfect season for her to explore other parts of her life and personality. She might carve out more free time to explore her hobbies, travel, or take classes.

One of the best ways to deal with anything in life is to continue working on your spiritual and emotional growth. Have you felt the power of spiritual energy, have you heard the heartbeat that drives our whole universe? Whether you call that spirit God or the Universe or a Higher Power…it will only help you to dip into it. Re-establish your relationship with God, read books about healing without relationship closure, connect with people who uplift and inspire you.

4. Remember who you were

Here’s what a reader called Kathleen asked about relationship closure: “How do I turn things around and be a fun girl to hang out with again? I’m confused and anxious about approaching any oncoming situation, even things as small as our next phone call, and who should initiate it!” The best way to overcome this anxiety is to stay in touch with your healthiest, happiest, most authentic self. This means staying connected with friends and family who know and love you, expressing your thoughts and feelings in creative ways, and staying as physically and emotionally healthy as possible.

Make a new friend. Just one. You don’t need to abandon your old friends or avoid your old haunts to find relationship closure. However, you may find it refreshing to build new friendships with people who don’t know you from your “old relationship” days.

5. Learn how to let go of someone you love

How to Heal Your Heart Without Relationship Closure

I wrote 3 Powerful Secrets and 75 Tips for Healing Your Heart because I needed to learn how to let go of my sister. Letting her go was the most painful and difficult thing I ever did.

My sister walked out of my life. She told me she never wanted to speak to me again. It was confusing and so painful because she gave me no reason or explanation. She just said she didn’t want to have a relationship with me anymore. Period. I always feel like I have to explain myself, because it seems like I must’ve done something to deserve being cut out of her life! But I didn’t. She also ended relationships with our other family members without any explanation, so I know this is something she needs to do.

Anyway – I needed to learn how to heal my heart without relationship closure, so I interviewed life coaches, counselors, and grief coaches on letting go. I know how shocking, confusing, and heart-wrenching it is when you’re letting go of a loved one. It’s devastating – and it changes how you see yourself. Learning how to let go of someone you love is about rediscovering your passion and identity.

Here’s what a reader recently emailed me about Letting Go of Someone You Love: “I gobbled the book down. Great help in putting things in perspective and in taking positive thoughtful action. Many thanks for sharing your wisdom and experiences.”

6. Talk to a counselor or psychologist

I’m a huge fan of counseling because therapists help you see yourself and your relationships more clearly. When we’re grieving, we can’t see or think straight. Our brains are going through all sorts of changes and emotions, and we’re literally traumatized. This makes it difficult to find healthy relationship closure on our own.

A counselor can help you see why you’re having trouble letting go of an ex, and help you learn to find closure on your own. My reader mentioned that she was pregnant but lost the baby; this can seriously complicate the whole process of letting go without relationship closure.

If you’re dealing with a complex situation or complicated grief after losing someone you love, you might want to call a helpline or join a support group. Get help, reach out! Don’t tackle this whole idea of “relationship closure” alone.

7. Recognize that you are responsible for your feelings

Nobody can “make you feel anything.” When you feel any emotion, you can choose whether to let that feeling sweep you away or derail it and put a more positive emotion in place. Those feelings of worthlessness or being unlovable are emotions you have control over – you do not have to feel that way.Remember that letting go of someone you love isn’t something you do once – and poof! You’re free, healed, and happy!

Rather, letting go is a journey peppered with steps forward and steps backward, good days and bad days, peaks and valleys. It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye.

For more suggestions on healing without relationship closure, read 6 Things You Need to Know About Uncoupling After a Breakup.

8. Journey from abandonment to healing

Abandonment to Healing Relationship Closure

If you feel abandoned (which often happens when relationship closure isn’t part of a breakup), read The Journey From Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life by Susan Anderson. Most people lose a piece of their heart when say goodbye to someone they love. But, life after a breakup (even without relationship closure) can still be meaningful, happy, and exciting – and there is love and laughter after breaking up! It just takes time to heal.

Susan Anderson’s book will take you through the stages of grieving over a lost relationship, and help you heal without saying good-bye directly to the person you lost.

If you have any thoughts on relationship closure, please comment below. I can’t offer relationship advice or counseling, but you might find it helpful to share your experience. Read through the comments on how to detach from someone you care about. You’ll see you’re not alone, and you may find strength and hope in the stories of other readers.

Expressing your feelings on not having relationship closure might help you heal and move forward. Writing is a great way to process your thoughts and work through your emotions. Also, when you share how you coped without relationship closure, you help others with their own endings.


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167 thoughts on “How to Heal Your Heart Without Relationship Closure”

  1. letting go is awfully painful and slow. No closure is totally hell. Just learned its ok to not let go completely. thought something was wrong with me, but its normal….found someone new and she is terrific, understands my fears and doubts, she is really helping by taking things slow, and thats just what i need. there really is hope for a happier and brighter future. one day at a time…….their loss is your gain… wishes…

  2. I just moved out yesterday, and we’re still talking but she is confusing me because she asking if we are broken up. Then she wants me to visit her and financially take of her still. She says she knows that I will be back, but I feel differently and at the same time I feel like it really hard to let go and I want to try to work things out but I keep thinking that there is a reason why I am leaving my happiness and success. Staying in a relationship with a person who has insecurities is taxing and tiring. I’m not perfect but I know what is going to make me happy and that’s my freedom and space. I’m strong but this is one of the most hardest thing I had to in life

  3. I have been a big closure person most of my life. In my younger days I would write out these long letters and after some time has passed I would read them and if I still felt the same way I would give them to the person. I never did it to get someone back and I find it odd and creepy that people are doing that. That is not what closure is about. Closure is closing that door not trying to pry it back open. For me it has always been about resolving karmic debt between two people so that the emotion associated with the seperation is disolved due to a clearer understanding and taking accountability for your actions that harmed somebody. I really don’t understand what a lot of people are talking about. I have never expected a response. I have gotten some and all but one was positive and helpful.

    Sometimes they just say thank you and they understand or rarely they will have something to add about what they were thinking or their motivations that helped me to empathize with where they were coming from. In the end for me it was always the end of contact. For me anyone I was seeking closure from was not someone I wanted to remain in my life. Usually though you don’t need a letter, you can sit down and have a real conversation.

    As I have grown older I have changed my opinion on some of the past letters I have written. Educating myself on things like NPD and such I would no longer have written some of those letters. I consider myself lucky to have not gotten a response from on old toxic relationship as I now realize that person had many narcissistic behaviors and that letter could have really furthered the toxic interactions between us. Another closure letter to a toxic ex lead to him stalking me.

    So yeah even though I do think they can be good for people, I would be much more careful about who I gave one to. I actually don’t think I would ever write one again based upon my experience. I just thought I would add my experience. And maybe suggest people should stopped using the excuse of closure to manipulate their ex back into a relationship bc that is pretty dishonest and gross, not to mention by the very defination of a closure letter an outright lie.

  4. Relationship breakups are like a death. When somebody dies, whether you liked them when they were alive or not, you tend to think of all the good things about the person. You forget about how this person hurt your feelings, how they forgot to buy you a Christmas gift, how they yelled at you or said and did stupid things that affected you. You think of only the goodness of that person….you cry because you want to relive that good stuff. Reality is that the person is GONE. Do not try to get them back because all the bad stuff will resurface quickly and then you need to breakup once again. YOU BREAKUP FOR A REASON. Time will get me back to being a happy person again. I know that the man I was seeing was not the man for my future. I know that I would be upset, crying, and would feel cheated. I want and need a man for my future….a man that makes my life easier not harder. A man with integrity. I don’t need to take care of a man like he is my child. I’m already a mother to my daughter and that is enough. Men who need you to wipe their butts is not a good relationship! I tell myself to get over it….it was really a joke relationship from the start but I tried to make it work….it never will! I made the final call fast and closed it ….blocked him on my phone, removed all pictures of him, all memories that I had around the house were removed…..GOODBYE. I am still upset on day 4 but it will be okay each new day for sure. I would appreciate any comment to help me feel and stay strong. Thank you for reading.

  5. Thank you, I’m going through a difficult time. My boyfriend, my X … it’s still so new 😕 My X, he doesn’t know how to communicate but I think it’s an excuse, I think it’s selfish, he doesn’t want to talk about it because he’s shamed of how he ended this and it’s easier for him to avoid me. That’s what hurts me the mist, I’m not worth an explanation or “I’m sorry” or to even say goodbye in a loving, healthy way.
    I know in my heart I will never get the closure that I need. I’ve cried about it, prayed about it and my pain brought me to your website, I was looking for some answers, something that would help me make sense out of it.
    The break up was inevitable, its sad when a relationship has to end but if it isn’t working, it’s time to move on.
    My pain is coming from how easily I was disposed of and if my intuutionbis correct, how fast I was replaced. It’s my ego, not wanting to be replaced. This is one of the reasons I don’t believe in going from one relationship to the next, without grieving and healing from the recent breakup, your just going to caring all the baggage from the last one into the next one. The way my ex boyfriend ended our relationship has left me feeling angry and bitter, no closure has robbed me of the good memories, it took the beauty out of our 3 years together and left it ugly and messy. I know someday after I’ve healed, the good memories will be there, I just wish I didn’t have to go through all this to get there. The way he is ending this makes me feel that everything the the two of us experienced together, was meaningless to him, I feel so betrayed.
    I’ve got God, hes hot my back, he always has. He has never let me down before. So my healing will come from, letting it go and trusting God. Your article help me tremendously thank you very much.
    Sincerely, Kim

    1. Hi Kim. I was in a relationship that had to end but I didn’t know how to do it. I kept it going because I didn’t want to hurt him, I didn’t want to yell and scream about it, I didn’t want to feel sad and lonely. I didn’t want to break up and then change my mind again and again like we were doing every other week. I knew that I was in the wrong relationship with the wrong man early on but I wanted to have a man in my life. It took me until just a couple of days ago to pull the plug really quickly. I called him at midnight and he answered. I called him late because I just had to get it over with. I told him I had to breakup with him and that I was done being manipulated and I hung up quick. WOW….I did it! No going back now. It has been 3 days of sadness, horrible closure I know; however, it was for the best. I now have a chance to find love again. That was not my future. I don’t feel bad for him…I just need to get myself on the right path and not ever call him or text him again. It was the best way…QUICK OUT! Lots of crying, yelling, and blaming was avoided. Time heals all wounds. We will be ok Kim. Hang in there. You’re probably young and love will find you again. I am older but have a good outlook. Happy New Year.

    2. Hi Kim,
      I was crying reading your comment because i totally felt the same as you. He said he needed time to think but he never said anything and is now back in the dating site. Me too believes that going through the pain from break is essential. But not getting an explaination, not getting the proper goodbye makes it more difficult. I hope you are doing well now since you wrote your feeling and mind out here. Its still new for me. Everyday is a struggle but I know i made the right decision from walking away.

    3. Hi Kim,

      I swear right now it feels like I’ve written this. Literally down from the 3 year relationship, feeling of betrayal and being replaced faster than a lighting.

      I’ve been broke for the last 6 months trying to make sense of it all. He refused to speak to me or give me a proper goodbye. He decided it was over and then boom that was it, no talking or a kind way of saying goodbye to the amazing feelings we shared. I know this is because he has started seeing someone which feels like the biggest betrayal of everything we shared as he has moved on so soon without even breaking up with me properly.

      I am absolutely devastated and struggling everyday, crying thinking about him with another woman and sharing moments with her that he had with me. It’s literally killing me on the inside.

  6. I really loved this article. After almost 3 years of pain and torment off and on I felt like I was slowly getting over the pain of a failed 6 years relationship. She was my world, my star, my everything. I would give her the world and in the end, she ended up leaving me for the man she always hated for cheating on her with her best friend and they lied saying she was raped and he avoided it. We adopted 4 cats over the years and they were my best friends in the world. I had many friends and was the center of the party but the friends abandoned me after our breakup because she stayed unphased while I wad crushed. Its not easy to say goodbye to the woman you knew you were going to ask to marry you, and god I’d turn back time and treat her right this time but she has no trust for me. Lauren, I will love you now and forever but I have Jenn now. A loving beautiful woman who truly loves me and treats me right every day. She is the woman ill marry, spend time with every day, give all of my love too because she’s there for me while you’re not. I was picturing my life with you forever but that dream has since faded by both of us. I wish you all the happiness in the world but I wish you had been honest in the end instead of hiding you were sleeping around while I was working to pay your bills, buy your alcohol, spoil you and ruin my credit for the next 5 years. I will never understand why you did what you did but I cant keep doing this to myself. Jenn loves me, and she deserves every ounce of my love like I gave you before you threw it to the curb. I was wrong and self-centered. You taught me how to act like a man, and dont give up on my dreams and I wont ever stop doing that. Goodbye my dearest love, we started two ships sailing together into the night but now we sail apart. May we both find happiness

  7. I really like your article and help me so much,i was abandon 3 days ago for a guy who told me that he was into me so bad, he text me 3 day ago and he was so cold like he never knew me, i make the decision to text him and ended i try to call he didn’t answer me back, i feel bad, because it happens after the day i had intimacy fr a first time with him. so this is my situation i feel so desperate, but i think its not right for me to call him and ask for an explanation. thank you

    1. Hi Meri. We women are emotional and we appreciate a man who can satisfy our emotional needs. We wanna be told we are beautiful and special and we buy into a man’s lure. We think that sex is love and we give in and then think that the man is in love with us too. Well, men are shallow and actually worse off than we are. Emotionally, we wear our feelings on our sleeves and we get hurt but men are the ones who have deep emotional issues because they hold emotions in and suffer in the long haul. Just believe in KARMA and you’ll be just fine. I’m just now getting over a one year relationship. He’s shows no compassionate when it comes to my feelings. He’s a cry baby, has so many problems and I refuse to take care of him anymore.

      HIS LOSS…..I WIN…YOU DO TOO! Stacy

  8. I was pals for 10 years with a man I met online.
    We texted semi regularly because he was very work oriented. Because he lived in another state we only saw each other about 6 times. I looked forward to receiving his messages, they got me through some pretty rough days. One day, he just stopped communicating. No explanation. I have no idea what happened! Wed had tiffs over the years but always worked through them. I am heartbroken.

    1. Susan, I had this happen to me and I also had to do it to someone else. It seems like life happens….it’s not that there is any bad feelings….just no feelings anymore….people move on. No answer, no reason, just happens.

  9. My boyfriend is driving me crazy with his lack of communication. He just wants to be happy, have fun, and never discuss things to determine compromises. It’s a vicious circle and I listen to all of his boring life obstacles and drama which is overwhelming. My life is together and simple, I appreciate sharing my ideas and feelings; he has no time for that and usually doesn’t respond. Then I go home and cry, feel upset and tell myself I AM DONE! He calls, acts like all is forgotten. I can’t survive in a relationship without communication. It seems to be all about HIM…..when I try to tell him about ME… always goes right back to HIM. H E L P

  10. I was infatuated to and in love to the same guy from 8th grade and all through high school back in the 1990s. As a now fully grown woman I have insight about emotional struggles that I had at the time. He never offered to be in a relationship beyond friendship with me, and sometimes was mean to me because he didn’t want me to have special feelings for him. I couldn’t help it. I just was attracted to him. That’s how it was. We graduated from high school, and went to different colleges, and he went on with his life, and I with mine. I am sure that he is married by now and has children, and I hope all is well for him. While neither of us have seen one another since high school, all this time I have had dreams about him, most of the time dreaming that we are still in high school. More recently, I was having dreams that I attended a high school reunion (which I have not attended one yet because I didn’t know when or where they were) and that we were both there as adults, and that I was emotionally coming to terms with him being married, etc. The problem is, I was having dreams about this every single night for weeks until recently, which bothered me. Granted, I have recently been looking up others that I went to high school with, but have chosen not to “friend” the gentleman I had special feelings for when I was in school because I didn’t know if I should. I wish well for him and for his family and his life. I will say that during my freshman and sophomore years of college I had a hard time grieving and missing him, wondering how long his hair was, if he got a hair cut, how he was doing, and just missing seeing him and hearing him. It was like having experienced a death. It is my assumption that the lack of a sense of closure is a cause of having had dreams intermittently about him and recently every single night until the last 2 – 3 weeks. It really bothered me even though they weren’t bad dreams. Wondering if there is anything that I should do.

  11. I am truly lost. My 3 year relationship ended after my ex boyfriend admitted to me he had an affair for a second time!!! He tried to have his cake and eat it too. After I told him he couldn’t have both he left. Paying bills still after he left out of guilt. Now everytime I look at these walls its a constant reminder that im alone. I feel stupid because I want to move on from him, but I don’t know if I have the strength. Everytime someone calls me I’m in tears. I haven’t eaten a full meal in almost 2 weeks. Haven’t slept more than an hour for almost 2 weeks. After this nasty break up I still love him. I am driving myself crazy because I keep asking myself why did you leave me for someone else. He gave me bulls**t reasons, but nothing that Made since to me. How do I find closure in a situation like this

  12. 5 months ago I discovered my boyfriend of 6 1/2 years was leading a double life with me and his ‘ex wife’. After years manipulation and psychological abuse I finally discovered the truth after searching very hard. He never left his wife. He still lives a lie, living with his wife and 2 children.

  13. I truly don’t know where to begin… I am a devastated, heart-shattered man who lost the love of his life to a woman who suffers from Paranoid Personality Disorder.
    In my brief six month relationship, I had never been so happy in my life! I was in complete ecstasy for the first three months until her hallucinations and paranoid delusions resulted in multiple breakups and makeups until finally she couldn’t take it anymore.

    Every step of the way I used every bit of my exceptional problem solving abilities to rationalize and analyze why she overreacted and was so unforgiving. No matter what I said or did she absolutely refused to take any responsibility in any of our breakdowns instead always manipulating and emotionally abusing me by consistently telling me it’s always been my fault!

    After researching the internet for terms used to describe her behavior, every single psychological organization categorized 17 of her symptoms as belonging to a person with Paranoid Personality Disorder. What makes it worse is they all say those people never seek treatment on their own believing its never their fault and are suspicious of even the most credentaled medical professionals. Ironically, this woman has been working as a certified psch registered nurse for over twenty years! She is a pathological liar and convincingly pretends to be an innocent victim at all times..

    This realization alone plus all of my wonderful experiences with her is ruining my life. I find it very hard to accept it and am still head over heels in love with her! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

  14. I am still in the process of trying to heal my heart and emotions of my breakup from my ex-boyfriend of 2 years that happened 2 years ago. The reason that I am still hurting is because he didn’t give me the gift of relationship closure. As soon as we broke up he ended up marrying his ex girlfriend that he told me he was just friends with. I guess I was a fool for believing him. I was just trying not to be classified as the jealous girlfriend so I still allowed him to be friends with her. Then she started up a business and he signed up under her which made them have to have constant contact with each other (meetings, promotions, etc). I’m just so mad at myself for giving him a chance because when we first met, he had just broken up with her because he claims that he wanted to be with me. If I paid more attention to the red flags, I should have ran for my life because I would have saved myself from this heartbreak💔. It’s such a huge process trying to mend my broken heart. I’m also dealing with Multiple Sclerosis and Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia so this broken heart has been so tough on me. So to make a long story short, I started noticing dramatic changes once we made it to a year and a half in our relationship. He stopped calling as much as he usually do, he stopped coming over as much, and stopped taking me to family events, parties, etc. There is one day that Is so hard for me to forget. The final time that he took me to the Detroit Auto Show, He made me feel so low. He kept leaving me, he wouldn’t take any pictures with me, he wouldn’t introduce me to his friends that he ran into and he looked like he was so mad at me like I did something wrong. I should have called my parents to come pick me up because I felt so disrespected. But I was just trying to understand and hang in there with him. Then he did one thing that let me know that something was going on. He told me that he just wanted us to work on our friendship. He just wanted us to go to movies and stuff with no strings attached and I tried it. But I was so in love with him that it was hard to suddenly be cut off emotionally in that way so I told him I couldn’t just be his friend. So after that I thought things would go back to the way things were before but he grew even more distant. So I called him while he was on his way to work to see what was really happening with him and he just went off on me saying that he wasn’t fulfilled in our relationship so we got in a huge argument. So emotions was running high so I told him that if he wasn’t fulfilled than we should just call it quits. After that, a couple of weeks later I was trying to see if he wanted to talk but he turned down every opportunity. lol and behold, I look on Facebook and I see him and his ex which was his new girlfriend in a picture with him and his family. My heart fell to the bottom of my chest. Then 3 months later, I found out that him and her is married now. Even though I have been making every attempt to let all of this go, my heart is still broken. I’ve been in 2 relationships since then and this has constantly been on my mind and I’m still hurting because I never got any closure. He just walked away. That was my first long term serious relationship so I think that’s why it fell so hard on me. It was his 4th long term relationship so I think that’s why it was so easy to walk away. I just wish I never met him because he’s married living the good life with his wife while I’m here still trying to heal my broken heart 💔. I know that in the Bible it says that God is near to the broken hearted and I know that I will be healed one day. There is so much more bad things that he did but this all sums it up in a nutshell. I’m just trying to move on totally with my life but it seems like the past won’t me no matter how hard I try. I really need help. 😔

    1. Girl I understand you completely. I’ve also been looking for ways to heal my heart. Everything you wrote about, is pretty darn close to what I’ve been through. You’re not the only one, I understand your emotional struggle. 💞

  15. I was recently dumped by a text message after a year and a half relationship, things were good, I never ever seen this coming at all! I was already on my way to his house to talk to him cause he wasn’t answering his phone, when I received the text. I got to his house and my garage door opener didn’t work and the tv was on and the shades were all drawn. I sent him a text when he wouldn’t answer the door that I was at his house and could t get in, he replied he wasn’t home and the garage door opener broke that week, Huge lie cause he never ever leaves anything on when he isn’t home and the shades are never shut!! I sat and waited for a bit, then left and headed home, after I left he finally answered the phone, and he was beyond mean and horrible to me. He said he was done, never ever wanted to see me again and didn’t love me, he was moving on. I asked moving on, with someone else? He said No, but three days later he is in a new relationship with a married woman, who was just married in July, and this was her fifth marriage!! He met this woman a month earlier when she came into his business to get her vehicle and she gave him her number. He told me about this and said he would never ever go out with her….another lie. He refuses to talk to me, and has totally shut me out! Im beyond devastated about all this and completely hurt, but I am pretty sure this new exciting fun relationship won’t last and he will experience the pain he has caused me. He always said he hated liars and cheaters, but guess what he is a huge liar and cheater!! He said he would never ever do this kind of thing to me and would never ever leave me, and he did all of the above. This hasn’t been easy and I struggle daily but it is getting a bit better, and hopefully soon it’s all behind me and he is hurting cause he got blindsided just like he blindsided me!!

  16. I need advice. I was in a relationship with a man, John (his sister was married to my brother) who moved to my town after living far away in California for 20 years. He moved here to be closer to his sister. We became friends first and had a great relationship of support & kindness before he moved in with my 2 kids & I. I have been divorced for 10 years and we met 3 years after my ex left us abruptly and married again within a few years of the divorce. I was severely traumatized from the divorce and was forced to move from our family home because I could not afford to stay here as I was a stay at home mom and had no job & my ex spent all our savings & had to sell the house as he could not keep up with the mortgage. I have had to move 4 times in 10 years which has been very difficult for me & the kids as I have never lived with such instability. I am having trouble finding a job that pays enough to live on. So John moved in to help financially, but also because he realized we both supported each other mentally, I have depression, he has depression, paranoia & PTSD. Two years ago his only child tragically committed suicide in California 6 months after her boyfriend also committed suicide. John never married her mother, but had a very close relationship with his daughter & had spent 3 months in California trying to help her recover from boyfriends suicide. John was the last one she saw hours before she committed suicide. That same month, my father died. We also moved into a house John’s friend helped us buy after he asked me to get married so the new house was suppose to be a fresh start as a new family. John returned to house I moved into solo after his daughters funeral. He was a mess, grieved alone & isolated to his room most of the time. He yelled out in anger at me for over a year & I gently tried to help in whatever way I could. Then a year later his sister died suddenly after a brief illness from cancer. He was devistated, as was I, even more. He left abruptly with no communication in middle of the night 6 months ago. Then sent his friend who owns the house into town to tell us John will not be returning, he has to sell the house & we have to move quickly! To say I was shocked is putting it mildly. I have been devistated w/ no closure. We moved again to a crappy rental, I lost my job & became an empty nester all within a months time. The house we lived in was taken off the market & I just found out John moved back into that empty house & is living there permanently!!! It is literally 10 houses around the corner & I pass by every day as I just took a part time job 3 doors up caring for an elderly lady. It’s driving me crazy knowing he is back there, what was suppose to be our new family home. I want to go over there & knock on the door & take a walk to just see where his head is & ask how he could devistated us like this. He took the last 6 months traveling around seeing family on east coast & in Europe. This is MY neighborhood & city where I grew up… I introduced him here…why would he come back here & to that same house??? The beauty of our relationships
    was that it just developed very naturally over time & I was completely myself around him, he was great company & most importantly made my kids and I laugh again. I have never loved someone so intensely as I have him. I have no desire to meet someone else, I totally &. completely wanted to be with him. He is constantly on my mind. I miss him terribly and am so lonely, even after he was not very kind in how he left & made us move. He will not answer emails so far & spun the story to make it look like I was the evil one in the relationship, I’m assuming to justify his actions. Everyone keeps trying to tell me to move on, but the problem is, I can’t. I was the one in the relationship & I still love him & there was no closure. What do I do???

  17. Wow this article blew me away, I broke up with a ex 2 years ago (just told me we could not see each other anymore, that’s all I got. My mum also had died 8 months before this due to cancer so was grieving the loss of I loved one .

    2 years later and I am still not over the breakup as I did not understand the concept of breakup closure. Which I now realise I did not get.

    Having read the article I understand finally where I am at and now can work towards healing some very painfully open wounds .
    I am feeling positive already and that something I haven’t felt for the last to years

  18. Our minds remember all the good things and erase the bad. I was hurt when I found out my ex had gotten married. I couldn’t stop thinking about how she dressed, her job, what their life was like. It drove me crazy that this was constantly on my mind all of a sudden. It is back in my mind because I was thinking about how much my life I’ve done nothing. I was a victim of a crime it ruined my life & I am dx with PTSD. My mind just stopped recording all I have left to replay is what was and what is. I remember how selfish he was how he basically was always given everything he wanted by the women in his family. They thought I was damaged goods and not good enough for him. When he was the one that was locked up for almost 20 years. They said they would cut off supporting him if he stayed with me. I know I was in no position to. I know also that if he really wanted to be with me he made no attempt. He told me he had met someone then I found out they had gotten married. His life is great got out of jail, his family purchased him 2 cars. They moved into the townhouse I stayed in when I lived with his mom ( that’s when I found out how she felt about me) He is a manager at a fitness club and his wife has a great job, etc.. I’m thinking wow his life is better than mine and he had just gotten out of jail. I’m 47 no friends, receive SSDI, living with my parents. Mom takes a good chunk the price of me staying here. My dad looks at me and he can’t hide his feelings which is disgust. I’m overweight. Its my fault because I stopped living and it has been so long and so much wrong in my life I don’t know where or how to start again. Everyday is a struggle to just stay alive. Part of me is saying I’m so deep I can never rise again the other part says I want to live I can do this. I know I hv strayed off the topic but with everything Im going thru underneath it all is a broken heart.

  19. Through out my adult dating years has not had any great relationships. Even when i was married it was a terrible experience. I have endured alot of hurt over the years. Some say its bad choices in men (pattern) or it may be karma.
    I met this love at work which i was his boss. Trying so hard to hide the relationship i finally quit. But there has never been a time he could not ask me for anything or i automatically donr for him. He was my KING. I found out last year that his detachment was he moved in with his baby mama and kids. I killed me cause i went to the house i almost die. He was so hateful and rude finally He gave me “its not you its me” and in due time i will probably want to see you again. Within 3 weeks we was together again he explain what happened and was too coward to tell me and PROMISE to always be honest with me no matter what it is. Everything was ok except when he and baby mama had move back in with his mama until baby mama could find a stable job and place for kids. He didn’t skip a beat with me was always reassuring me nothing was between the two of them only co-parenting.
    Yes as months went by i just wasnt settle bout his current arrangements but tried to understand bout the babies. I had a breakdown when i told him “she won” no way i could complete. She will always have him. He got really upset to see me in such pain. He dried my tears and reassured me its us forever etc etc. About a week or two after that…he said he had car problems and i notice his convo was changing. His phone services was suspended. On the night my granny died i tried his number guess what it was on. So he gave me an excuse like he left with the babies to chill with his nephew. Instead of calling he texted me. I wasnt feeling that. I finally call he got really rude and cruel and hung up in my face. Then next day said overly thinking when i send numerous texts and calls. All that week of mourning needing his comfort i had to call him. He call once or twice. Then he text me on an issue came up that he is having to deal with bs with baby mama and sorry i have to go thru this with him and the sooner he can get them in a decent place better off we will be. I basically call to give him my views on baby mama and her thoughts…they are together. He never agreed. By the next day or two he stop by nout 20 minutes to pay his condolences. He had a different vibe. But i was hurting cause of death that i only assumed it. I ask next day was we ok he said yea we cool. He said he’ll be on time for funeral to comfort me. He said he was coming to see me later. No show and phone services suspended. I feel like he got a new phone. Long story short…someone deliberatly told me at the funeral why he was absence. Two weeks ago, He and her and kids move to another town (same area we talk about), got a house, he been working, he never had truck issues. I think i blackout it was too hurtful. Still havent seen him or heard from him. I think my sis seen him pass by a day after the funeral but he didnt stop. Im left without explanation i wasnt even worth a lie. Im beyond the deepest hurt ever. I just last night was able to talk with God about it. I decided i been to hurt and damage that its unbearable that im moving. in the opposite direction. I left a text to express myself and hurt (i know i should have let him know im hurt) and let him know i knew he moved two weeks ago in with her and kids. I know he love his kids so much but it seem like he cant let go of her neither. Im so devastated that i want to crawl into a cave and rot away. Im left without answers. Its like i didnt matter at all during these 2 years. Do anyone have any thoughts

  20. After 17 years this is how it ended.
    His text
    I am sorry I hurt you Teena. I don’t want to see you anymore. (See me?) Please stop calling and texting me.
    Havent talked to him or seen him since that text. When I needed to move out his only words through text were F##k you and F##k off.
    He needed me gone for another to move in.
    No closure is devastating!
    I’m working on me. Learning to love myself first.
    Still hurting…

  21. I fell in love with my friend when i was engaged to someone else. He was in love with me first. I tried to hold back but i couldnt. We both new that its not gonna end well because we both were madly in love but could not do anything about it. We agreed to be with each other happily as long as we get as close as we can till we have each other. I assured him that i will be fine once i am married. I will be able to move on. Because his biggest concern was that i would not be fine and he was very scared for me. He took care of me like a mama bird takes care of her baby. towards the end i realised that i cannot possibly live without him but it was already too late. Now i am married for almost 10 months now. I cannot seem to get over him. I am constantly trying to find out whether he misses me. But when i feel he doesn’t it’s killing me. We agreed on the fact that our love is so strong that what’s there in our heart will always remain. Rest is just life. We have to move on strong. But when i feel there’s nothing left for me in his heart. It’s killing me.

    P.S. My husband/fiance at that time was made aware of alll of this situation before marriage. It’s not like i cheated on him.

    But this feeling is eating me alive. Everyday i am trying to figure out how i can take my life. I am worried for my husband,him,and my parents what all they’ll have to go through if i do something like that. But i just want to stop living. I know it’s wrong to think that way. But i cannot go forward like this.

    I was always moderately religous.Even now i have started turning to Him for more help. Reading more Quran . keeping myself busy. Taking care of my husband. Everything. But i’m exhausted with this life

  22. Hi
    My relationship which was the first very deep but short one for me ended without closure now. The reason was we (*specially he) could not see any future due to difference in our family culture. Infact he never promised of longevity and made it clear in early stage that he is looking for dating someone casualy with no promise of marraige and being forever. But we somehow during this journey lost our pace and got involved deeply loving each other from core of our hearts. As promised by him to his family to go for arranged marriage by parents he knew he could not change his mind for making a future with me and his family is everyday in search of girl of their culture. I changed the place a month back as i could realise it was hard for both of us to create distance staying in the same city and workplace. We still love each other and are in touch. I proposed idea of going to no contact zone so that we can get over this. But he insists to stay friends, be cool with the sitiuation and act mature. He says he do not want to lose contact with me and to continue as friendly relation. Over calls or texts he is sometimes emotional and express his love, his feelings and some days he behaves like another friend specialy when i start to express any emotions or pain. He avoids and ignores my being weak and emotional also lectures me to be cool and move on. But it is getting really difficult to handle this sitiuation for me. I try to keep myself busy still crave for his messages and calls. At the same time I get hurt due to such ignoring attitude when i try to make any emotional confession of how i miss him or how i love him. Though he sonetimes express his emotions to me but he gets scared when i do the same and starts avoiding conversation then. What should i do please suggest?

    1. Because us men are just to drunk to even think about being hurt.
      That’s partly a joke, but real. After 22 years of a seemingly good marriage my wife just disappeared one morning from a hair appointment. Just gone!
      I don’t drink or do drungs but that first day I tried both and that couldn’t come close to dulling the mind numbing pain.
      It’s only 4 months since that day and I’ve had days when I think I’m all good to go. Then I wake the next morning and it’s all back. I was figuring a few weeks and I’d be on my feet again, not happening.
      I’ve got VA Doctors, therapist, and Nutritionist helping me but they don’t understand Spousal Abandonement Syndrome and very few other people do either.
      If another person tells me to “Just get over it!” I will politely ask him to move into my home and I into his, only he has to leave his wife there and after a week or two he can call me and ask for his wife back.

  23. My 4 year relationship just end with a man that I truly truly loved. The one thing though he didn’t treat me very good after the first 8 months. He physically, mentally, verbally and even sexually assaulted me. I know that I didnt and don’t deserve being treated so poorly but there was one area that never was bad and that was when he would sleep next to me every night and hold me in his arms till I feel asleep. I am lucky to get 3 hours of sleep a night now because I need him, But Those 8 months in the vey beginning is why I stayed. However, the next 3+ yrs brought many night of tears for me of feeling unloved b a man I wanted to love me so much. He is the only man that has ever made me feel special and that he was proud of me. I forgave him for many things he had done to me. On March 22nd he walked out of my life and is moving out this weekend from his apartment directly above mine. The pain of him not next to me in bed everynight or ever seeing him again makes me not want to breath. I cant take this pain anymore and would rather commit suicide. I feel worthless and that I am not loved. If a man says he loves you than how can they not care enough to say goodbye or something. I don’t have the strength to do this and just want to stop being. All I focus on is what day can I take my life.

  24. I agree with some of these ideas on how to heal your heart without relationship closure, but disagree with some of it also. I think the person you love the most is the one you are afraid of losing; because if you are not, what’s the point in being with them?

    I’ve been in relationships where individuals have let me go, and I’ve let them go, and we say, “I’ll always love you, because I care about your well-being and happiness;” which may be true, but do you really, deeply love that person? Would you choose them over anyone else? Probably not. “I don’t fear losing you, technically because I don’t really care if you are in my life.”

    However you find someone who sparks your soul, makes you happier than anyone else in the world, they stand out to you; and you love them so much, losing them is painful. You do care if they are in your life. That’s true love in my opinion, and its so hard to heal from that kind of relationship loss without closure.

    With that being said, honesty trumps that. It’s ok to be afraid to lose someone, and still be honest with them; because it couples with trust and communication. “Yes, I’m afraid to lose you, yes I’m still going to be honest with you despite that, yes do I trust I can tell you, and yes we can talk about it.”

    If someone purposely leaves you (breaking up, not passing away) without relationship closure, you need to stop loving them. You can say, “I’ll never stop loving you,” and listen to sappy love songs; but over a very long time, fact of the matter is, you can’t truly give your love to anyone else until you let go of the person you’re continuing to say, “I love you,” in your heart. You’ll be tormented if you continue to love someone who left you, or wasn’t afraid of losing you. If they loved you, they wouldn’t be able to go without seeing your face, hearing your voice, asking for you input, or spending time with you. If you still think of them continuously, You haven’t let go of them and the reason is simple you love them and trying your best to let go. but truth is how many are you going to let go, how many times are you going to tell yourself that “it wasnt meant to be” serious?.

    1. Thank you. I really needed to read your comment. You are right. If someone loved you then they wouldn’t leave you hanging without a proper end… leave you in pain with grief that has no answer. I am learning a lot from my pain. I’m learning don’t ever do this to someone else. Show them respect. Say a proper goodbye. Let them go.

  25. Hi. I was reading this article on how to heal your heart without relationship closure.. and have tried the letter part. Me and my boyfriend started really good and sweet but as months passes by.. he started to change.. i have always ask him whats wrong and whats with the sudden changes but he just said.. nothing has change.. he was sorry if i ever felt like his already ignoring me and felt like i was lost somewhere in his mind that he could forget me but what he always said is that he never did.. that hes still the same as the first day i meet him , that hr wouldnt do it. but im feeling the opposite of what he said. Id tried to understand him that maybe im just overthinking things and jumping into conclusions but i dont know.. thats what i really feel. thats what he makes me feel.. I just keep quite and wrote him a letter instead weeks before he leave to his homecountry for a month vacation. Id wanted to tell him everything, that im hurting and im in pain. but i just couldnt.. so i wrote him a long letter that expresses all my feelings towads him. i gave it to him on the day of his flight.. And I asked him to read it while his on the plane.. I just thought that the letter would make him realized how i really feel and we will get back to what we used to be or atleast he could feel my pain.. but its nothing of what i expect .. A month away from him and we parted not okay.. well for me.. i was not okay, were falling apart. and i hate it how he used to believe that were still fine while making me feel the opposite. He reads on the letter and send me back a few words as his reply.. he said that yeah maybe even together we can no longer say a word but we should have always hold on to each other ,that he will always be there for me.. and hold on to me. Bu then again, its been week that hes away and im feeling the other thing.. Id like to wait to wait for him till he comes back and talk with him in for once and for all cause i dont wanna makr a decesion now that were away. cause id really want him. thats twhat my heart says.. but my mind wants to give up . id like to stop thinking about him. that maybe we could have just end without even talking about it and just focus on healiny myself from pain cause what i feel is that im the only one whoa hurting.. and now i feel like he doesnt even care about me anymore.. that maybe he wont mind if il just leave out of his life without a word.. I dont know.. can u please tell me whats best thing to do.. I would really appreciate it.. Thanks..

    1. Dear Aya,
      I think you might be able to gain some insight into what’s happening if you read “Attached” by Amir Levine. It sounds like you and your bf are stuck in what’s called the “anxious-avoidant trap”. I know how you feel, I have been where you are, and reading your letter felt like listening to my own thoughts in past relationships I’ve had. I hope it helps you.

  26. Dear Fiona,

    I’m so sorry that your relationship broke up. It’s painful and heartbreaking to lose your best friend. It sounds like you miss him so much, and you’re having trouble moving on. It really is especially difficult to heal your heart when you don’t have relationship closure.

    It sounds like your ex-boyfriend does not want to have any contact with you. He is blocking all of your attempts to contact him, and he is not able or willing to give you answers about why your relationship ended. It also sounds like you are not able to let go of him for the relationship.

    I’m glad that you’re willing to write about what you’re going through with this breakup. I believe writing is one of the best ways to heal and grieve the breakup. I encourage you to keep working through your feelings of loss and grief. Writing is particularly helpful because it gives you the opportunity to really feel your feelings and process your thoughts. So I encourage you to write through this breakup, to learn how to heal your heart even if you never get relationship closure.

    Here are a couple questions to get you started:

    What is preventing you from moving on?
    Do you believe that if you had relationship closure, you would be able to move on and heal your heart?
    What is one thing you can do to start healing even if you never get closure from your ex-boyfriend?

    You’re welcome to write your thoughts here, but I encourage you to spend more time writing in your private journal. Pour out your heart and examine your beliefs about yourself, your ex boyfriends, and the breakup.

    And, here’s an article that may help the healing process:

    Words of Comfort When Your Heart Is Broken

    Take good care of yourself, Fiona, for you are worth taking good care of.


  27. I’m in my 40s and my best friend of 10 years, and lover for 4 years, has left my life without closure. It’s been 6 months now and I feel like I’m stuck in a loop going from shock and disbelief, to anger, to despair, and back to shock again. He was about to move in with me, I had prepared my teenage son for this, told all my family and friends. He had some loose ends to tie up and the last thing he said to me was that he wouldn’t be in contact for a few days. I waited, when he didn’t call I called him, and found the number blocked. Every way to contact him is blocked. He has gone back to his ex, and they live close by to me. I’ve written letters which he hasn’t answered, I’ve dumped his stuff in his driveway, I’ve even sent him a printout about how damaging ‘ghosting’ someone is. The only response was my key posted back in an empty envelope. He could have put in a note, just the words ‘it’s over’ would have made a difference. Sometimes I drive home and half expect to see him in the driveway. they live nearby, and he runs an art school, so I see one or the other from the car almost every day. I drove past him recently and didn’t stop, I was too upset to even speak to him, so I guess I missed out on my chance for answers. I don’t think I want to hear his answers. It took me 10 years to really get over my sons father – I dont want to be stuck in this hell for another 10 years! I can’t move house, I feel trapped and so so sad all the time.

  28. Great advice, thank you. Unfortunately, this is something that happens all too often and I myself experienced it firsthand. It takes a lot to forgive, move on, and be able to trust again. The support of loved ones is huge and I found that reading articles like this and books on the subject also made me feel less alone and out of control. A fantastic book I found was, “The Accidental Divorcee” by Laura Scott ( I love it because it’s not only a “survival guide” so to speak but it’s so very personal and it covers everything from a cheating spouse to custody battles and even how to cope with taking off your ring. It’s a quick read full of sound advice and it made me feel better than I have in a long time. There is no quick fix for divorce/separation but there are some fantastic resources out there

  29. Thank you Laurence, I have fixed the typo! I’m so glad you pointed it out.

    The sentence now reads:

    “Healthy relationship closure happens when you talk about why your relationship ended– whether you’re a married wife, common-law girlfriend, estranged sister, or ostracized family member. Relationship closure involves honest, healthy, open-minded, nonjudgmental communication.”

  30. You wrote “Relationship closure is when you – whether you’re a married partner, boyfriend or girlfriend, disgruntled colleague, or unhappy family member – don’t discuss why your love relationship ended.”

    Unless I’m deeply confused, this appears to be a typo; it should read “Lack of relationship closure…”

  31. i find it hard to talk to my previous girlfriend and I made up excuses as I preferred another person. Why hurt? Cos it is less than letting her figure it out? Still I feel ashamed and would like to apologize. Won’t waste words here, she’s the one I should be writing

  32. I was so happy to stumble upon this article through pinterest actually. I left for the army earlier this year and met another solider in the latter half of my training. I came from a normal suburban upbringing and he from a rough, thugging environment. We both enlisted to better our lives. His background never bothered me although at times I wondered if it made us too different. But we actually complimented each other wonderfully. I felt like I knew him my whole life. I learned early on that although he was only 21, he had 2 small children and was separated from his wife..their mother. I didn’t like the messiness of that but continued our relationship. After a month the commitment and the strong mutual feelings freaked him out and he stopped communication. We still had to see each other every day in training. After 2 weeks of that small talk began and I told him I still desired to be with him. We got back together and the relationship was better than the first time. We were truly in love. I completed my training 2 weeks later and went back to NJ. Two weeks following that he completed his and I drove 6 hours to spend his graduation weekend with him. I spent a lot of money on traveling and helping him but I didn’t care. I feared he would leave me when he returned to his chaotic reality. He also lived in MS, 18 hours from me. Our relationship continued solid for 2 weeks. Video chats and constant communication helped us. We loved and missed each other deeply, of that I will never have a doubt. Just this week, I woke up the day after Thanksgiving to no messages which was unusual. I called his cell and my number was blocked. So I tried from my landline but he figured it out and blocked it too. I received no communication the whole day. The second day following I was so hurt and confused. I sent about 25 messages over 2 days to him via Facebook since that was the only outlet I had left. He finally responded with 2 words, “I’m done.” Then he blocked me there too. That was it, no reason, no closure. No decency to tell it over the phone or video. He blocked my number in hopes I’d take the hint and he’d never have to speak to me again. This is a very fresh wound. I’m hurt and confused. I love him so dearly and everything in the relationship was wonderful which makes it worse. Our last messages spoke of how we missed each other and it wouldn’t be long before I’d see him up here for new years. The outside factors, the distance and his processing divorce, made an imperfect situation but what one is perfect? I just could never have done that to him, how could he do that to me…even out of the respect for the friendship we had first. He blocked all communication, so he is in control. I can literally never contact him again and I’ll never know why…

  33. Hi Guys,

    I’m an Assistant Producer at the TV company Twofour Broadcast and we are looking for people to take part in a new prime-time TV series for a major channel.

    This new series will explore unresolved past relationships, and we are specifically looking to speak with people who want to rekindle love, ask some burning questions or find closure for once and for all.

    During this warm and positive experience couples who are no longer together will have the opportunity to meet again in a relaxed and comfortable environment, to talk through their relationship honestly and openly.

    Anyone over 18 can apply but must be based in the UK.

    Please email for more info.

    Thanks 🙂

  34. For You

    You tossed me aside like so much sh*t—so much garbage.

    But I am NOT sh*t. I am not garbage.

    That is why I grieve for you. That is why I weep for you. That is why I have trouble moving on. For YOU.

    For you are not garbage.

    And I am sadder than sad that you treat yourself so.

  35. Author, maybe it’s just my misjudgement but in your beginning paragraph u mentioned how difficult it is to provide closure in a breakup. To me u are coming across sympathizing and validating people who do not provide closure.

    Denying people closure is common, but it doesn’t make it ok. That’s kind of like saying crime is understandable because those who commit it had a rough life. Denying someone relationship closure is unclassy, cowardice, and disgraceful. Just because it is difficult to fulfill doesn’t mean it’s ok to deny it. Running away from your duty do the right thing (as a human being) is never OK.

    It’s not a matter of formal closure. People’s emotions is not a business transaction… it’s a matter of being genuine and showing compassion for another human being. It’s about doing the right thing… not about what’s materialistic.

    Also, if u are talking about saying goodbye to someone u love, hence u are the dumper… the word love should have no business in the issue since u dont break up with people u love… let alone deny them closure because u find it too difficult. Denying relationship closure is stabbing someone in the back to make things easier for yourself… and u can honestly have the audacity to say u love that person? Cmon.

    1. Im pretty sure I read that the author states how important it its for relationship closure but was just stating that sometimes its not possible. Theres a short paragraph which deals with why someone might not speak to another about why they’re ending the relationship but I don’t think its empathy that the writer is giving but an understanding and whilst is not ok in most circumstances to provide no explanation, someone might be in an abusive relationship where the other doesn’t deserve an explanation.

      I had a best friend who never provided me with relationship closure – there was a hug on the train platform but no ‘Im never going to talk to you after this day and I shall henceforth ignore every email you send me’ . After 5 years I still struggle with it but I realise that she had clearly changed and didn’t have the strength of character to tell me or to talk to me.

      I feel that you’re bitter about the relationship that you’ve clearly been left ‘high and dry’ and you are not seeing things objectively. Suppose someone takes an unbelievable amount of emotional grief from another person over a duration of time? They might love the person they’re ending the relationship with but realise that without ending the relationship they will be reducing themselves emotionally

      I hope you find some peace and forgiveness in your life

  36. A lot of people – both men and women – can’t deal with the “formal closure” of a relationship. We aren’t taught it, and it feels so uncomfortable and scary to say goodbye to someone we love. Especially if the breakup isn’t a mutual decision!

    The best way to heal without closure is to learn how to let him go. You can’t do anything to change how the breakup happened, but you can change how you think about it. The idea is to change the story you’re telling yourself about your relationship and the breakup.

    Here’s an article that explains what I mean:

    Help Getting Over a Breakup – How to Change Your Story

    And here’s another post that may help:

    How to Stop Thinking About Someone

    Have faith. Trust God that this relationship wasn’t meant to be – but that you will find the one that IS meant to be! Believe that your life is unfolding exactly the way it’s supposed to.

    Hold on tight!


  37. My boyfriend of nearly 18 months had a mental breakdown due to stress, depression and anxiety. A couple of weeks after we spoke about how we wanted to get married and would be together forever, he TEXTED ME at 7am on a random thursday morning to say that he was having second thoughts about us and then after leaving me handing all day he broke up with me in the middle of the street at 11pm at night. Slept with me a few days later after saying he wanted to get back together and then asked for a ‘break’ a week after that after being too busy with work to see me all week when we were supposed to be repairing our relationship. He broke my heart, utterly and completely. Zero closure. I still don’t understand what went wrong. I’m so sad and am moving continents next year to get away from the memories and from the pain. We thought we were soulmates. We weren’t perfect (who is?) but had a beautiful, fun relationship.

  38. I started dating this Haitian man over a year ago. Things progressed, we got intimate, communicated very well, talked about the future, etc. About 9 months into the relationship I started to fell like he was pulling away. He told me that the year before when he went to Haiti to visit family he met a woman and became involved with her. She asked him to help her come to the US. He did and the short of it is he never told until a week before she was to arrive here. They have been married for almost a year now. He told me he didn’t want to tell me because he loved me and did not want to loose what we had. Yes, I did continue to see him once she got here, after they married and on/off breaking up with him. I gave him the “good bye letter” and had not seen him for at least three months and had avoided any conversation with him. Well three weeks ago we had sex and also one week ago. The evening of the last sex session I asked why he never talks about her. He said what we have is between me and you. That left a bad taste in my mouth so to speak. He had me thinking “how stupid can you be… this man is playing you for a fool.” The next evening I told him I had to speak to him and asked “what do you expect me to do”. The dumb answers and nonchalant attitude lead me to tell him not to call, text or come to my house and I walked off. Blocked his number. Tonight I just had to send him a text message telling him basically that he was not the man I though he was: he insensitive, selfish, self-centered and a cheater. I felt sorry for his wife because she is here and has to depend on him to take of her. I felt a sense of relief but still feel like there is no closure. Why could he not just have told me from the beginning; it has me feeling like I was just something to occupy his time until she got her. I am trying to be angry or vengeful but it hard. I have asked God for her to forgive me. I don’t think he was honest with her about me either. Should I reach out to her?

  39. me and my boyfriend were together almost a year as a matter a fact e broke up with me a week before our one year all because a picture of me and my cousin was taking way out of proportion its been hard it got so bad he told me heed be happy if I killed myself and I almost did but then I realized that hes not worth it if he really loved me he would have trusted me and would have came to me to find out but no he had to ask his family and people that had no idea about it its been hard but ive leard to move on now I am in a new relationship and im so much happier

  40. I wish I had seen the site a while ago. I was involved in a long distance relationship with a woman and I felt she and I were very much in love. I felt she and I had a great deal in common from out interests in travel and music, things we read before we knew each other and even out emotional reaction to situations. She was someone I felt I knew my whole life after knowing her only a couple of weeks. We constantly communicated with each other and saw each other monthly for about ten months. At some point, she started to change and I sensed she was having a change of heart. I loved her very much and knew losing her would be very painful, so I asked her if she had met someone or the distance was beginning to make her feel lonely and frustrated. She said no and I believed her, but felt there was a problem. She picked a fight with me just an hour before I was to fly back home from visiting her. At the time, I asked her why she would bring up something like this right when I was wanting to kiss her good bye until o saw her next. This would be the last time I ever saw her. She called me about a week later and told me she needed a break from me. I knew what it meant. For about a week, I didn’t press her on it. The calls and texting between us came to a screeching halt. I did finally get her to talk to me about a month later and tried to tell her goodbye. She became angry with me for wanting to tell her that and refused to tell me goodbye. That was the last time I ever talked to her. I had already sold my house in my home 1700 miles from her so I could be with her. I had already planned to move closer to her, so I decided, in my irrational state of mind, to move out to her city anyway, even though she was no longer talking to me. I was a mess. About two weeks after I moved to her city, I went to her house without warning to see if I could tell her goodbye the right way. She was living with her dad still, her mom recently dying of cancer just three months prior. Her dad answered the door and was surprised and confused about what I was doing there. He didn’t know me since we had never met, but after a few minutes of taking in their porch, he figured out who I was. He told me that my ex didn’t want to see me. If she and I had not been as close as we were over the prior ten months, I never would have made such a move. But my soul needed that closure. Closure I never got. It pains me still, even after I had started dating someone else now, almost 15 months after the last time I saw my ex. Lack of closure is torture. If she had had the decency to see me and say I’m sorry, but I’ve met someone else, I could have lived with that. I know I wouldn’t want to be with someone that didn’t want to be with me. But by failing to do so, I can’t help but feel she loved me in her heart, but chose to leave for other reasons, possibly money. I will never know for sure and it hurts to think that she may think our relationship regrettable, even though there was so much love and energy between us. The lack of closure is torture.

  41. Thank you for being here, and sharing your experience so bravely and honestly. Your stories help other women who are struggling with the same thing. Not having relationship closure is so painful, because it really is difficult to heal without saying good-bye.

    May you find peace in your soul, forgiveness in your heart, and love in your life.

  42. My live in finace’ of 7 and a half years left one day while I was at work. He quit his job, packed his things, changed his number, dropped facebook and moved 1200 miles away in one day. We had no arguments, money problems, infidelity and no fights, name calling or anything like that. He was just gone. No explanation, no note. no phone call and we had a great week leading up to this. I was at the point in my life I could say I was extremely happy with my life and who I was with. He was my best friend and I thought he would be here forever. Everyday I have wondered what did I do, what did I say and what could I have done different. If only I knew because he never ever said anything was ever wrong. So no closure is a horrible way to end a relationship. It leaves the person wondering about answers they will never receive and what they did to warrant such a cruel and inhumane action against them. So please if you break up with someone tell them to their face. Show them some dignity and respect in the moment when their world is crashing down on them. I know for me this no closure is the most horrible and hardest experience of my life. It hurts and I have no one to blame but myself because I was never told anything.

  43. My story is long. I won’t go into minor details. My ex who had been my best friend for years ( even though we live 3000 miles away from each other) we had a close bond after our intimate relationship as best friends. I care very deeply for him still. He just let me go, stopped all communication, blocked my phone number. I knew all his ex girlfriends as I know he had remained friends with all of them, I was never, not once jealous of ANY of them. I respected that he was a sensitive and caring man. He started seeing a younger girl with a very sad past. They were on and off. He finally left her because of his ditrust and manipulateness. Then I find out he is back with her, and I am happy for him.
    Since he would not call or communicate, I wrote him a goodbye letter. One page, I told him I needed closure for ME! I know , because he told me, that she was extremely jealous of our pure friendship. I can’t imagine him with a woman like that, but its his choice, just as it is mine to let him know my feelings and that I never wanted anymore communication with him.
    I also wrote a very angry , very blunt letter and burned it along with some Sage to clarify the energy.
    I know I am strong and have been single for quite some time and also aware soooo many men and women cannot survive without a dramatic relationship. Not for me, when I find the right relationship (whenever) I will cherish it and always be honest, love me or hate me, I KNOW who I am and am flexible, but can decide who I chose to spend my time with, not cling on to something because I need to be in a relationship. For anyone reading this, thanks for sharing your stories and YOU are stronger than you think, even though it is painful. Peace!

  44. The last time i talked to him I asked him if he wanted me to leave him alone, he said no I just need some time to figure things out. Two months later he completely stop communication w me. I feel its over just digusted he didnt have the decency to tell me the truth.

  45. I briefly dated a man in college. I say briefly, because it was. We were inseparable for only five weeks. That’s it. Just five stinking weeks! After that, he just kept standing me up. He just stopped being my friend all together. No more romantic walks, no more talking for hours. No more anything…. No warning either. I’d wait around for him like a lost puppy dog. He started hanging out with other girls, and made ME feel guilty about it since we weren’t in an exclusive relationship or anything. I would find myself pining for him. I allowed myself to foolishly wait around for him time and time again because I was happy being with him. It was stupid. When I was away from him, I was paronoid, jelous, and desperate. I even tried to befriend his ‘latest’ girls just to be with him- or just to see what she had that I didn’t…. I eventually realized how stupid I was being, so I allowed myself to move on.
    Fast forward ten years. I am married and I am happy. My husband is the greatest man I have ever known. We have a family together and my life is complete. But lately, I’ve been thinking about this old flame. I don’t want to be with him. But I want something. I want to know why he played me. I want to know why I was so disposable. I have never ever opened up to someone that soon. He made me fall in love in just five weeks. So desperately in love. But I don’t love him anymore, so why am I thinking of him? Why do I want anything from him?

    1. Hi Jane,

      I was in the similar situation (i would say exactly same – 5 weeks) but just that here I am a boy and the other person was a girl. Everything you mentioned is almost same in my case also. She just walked away saying that she no longer love me and she just respects me as a nice human being. 🙁 I am so hurt because why it is so that in the end, a nice soft soul has to suffer. I wanted to talk to someone about it or just discuss and then I found your post. Shall we someday find time to talk ! ?

  46. i have a boyfriend we had a little argument last week because i found out that he's lying to me although it's not a big deal but i felt lost in trust to him.. he's my ex he dumped me before without saying anything he just shut me .. he ignorrs like he didn't know me and then after 3 month of silent treatment i saw that he already someone so its hard for me because we didn't talked about our breakup i waited for him no matter what even though i know that he abandoned me, he already have a new love i still freaking loved him and i know i am stupid but that is how i felt so i unfriended him on my fb so that i cant see updates and how happy he is in his new girl. then after one year i feel better but i still loved and remembered him but not as same as before.. then suddenly he adds me up on my fb..without any hesitation i accepted him and message him how are you.? .i know he's lying that he said he didn't replace me for another girl and stupidly i believed him even though i knew it's a lie because i have discovered that they broke up. i want to be with him again so i told him i still loved him.. then it happens. i feel blinded with my love for him i didn't see all his lies . though sometimes i feel important and loved by him but then now… i discovered that he is lying to me he go out with his intern mates without asking permission from me. everyday i waited for him . i only got his text when he will go to hoapital and then when he will go home.. then we have a little argument last week and now he didn't text or call me unlike before so i know there something . until now its been a week he still do silent treatment. i dont know if our relationship ended like before. im afraid to text him because i knew he will just see it … what will i do?

  47. i started seeing somebody on a dating phone app. we kicked it off super well, conversation was far from boring. silly and getting to know eachother. we talked day in and day out, finally met a week later and that nervous feeling went away fast. we met up every week atleast once because of our schedules… but anyway, we knew eachother for one month. i feel dumb. but i felt a real cool connection with him. and i thought he felt tha same… we had a miscommunication over texting of course which got talked about. but he slowly stopped talking to me afterwards… and i still think bout him, i think, what did i do wrong? why did someone i feel so close to jus like stop talking- no closure? why do i feel so hurt about not knowing? i beat myself up about it my friends tell me but im not sure how to move on. its been over half a year and i feel like a fool saying that. i dont hate him, i simply miss him and hope for tha complete best. im not sure how to move on and let it go. when i think i have, i really havent. thanks for reading, i appreciate an responses.

  48. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen


    I’m sorry I can’t give advice on your relationship, or tell you what steps to take next. You might think about these questions, though:

    Why aren’t you being honest with your current girlfriend? It sounds like you have a whole separate life – you’re keeping secrets from her. How does this affect your relationship with her?

    What do you hope to hear from your ex-girlfriend? How will that bring closure to your relationship?

    What can you change in your life, to grow emotionally and spiritually healthy?

    It’s really important to trust your feelings, especially if you believe something isn’t right in your relationship. Sometimes people can’t end a relationship properly because it’s easier to just walk away. Finding relationship closure and ending in a healthy way is painful in the short term…but really important in the long run.

    That said, however, sometimes it’s better to leave the past in the past, and move forward in healthy ways in the relationships you’re currently in.

    I wish you all the best.


  49. This really made me feel like there is hope I could get over this feeling. It sucks for all of us to go through this & experince. The most part that hurts is we don’t even know why this happened. My story is hurtful to me but maybe to others they don’t think its that bad when it really is. I met this guy on the internet we started talking I know him from before. He’s very much older than me & this is my first time dating someone older then me too. We were 16 yrs apart! & Im expecting a baby when I met him I was 4 months pregnant. It didn’t bother him we took it slow at first we had to sneak around for the first week because no one knew about us. But months went by n ppl started to find out. Did I mention he wasn’t the babys dad? We went on for 3 months then he just stopped talking to me we always texted each other everyday. Then he just stopped n I still remember the exact day n till this day he hasn’t ever texted or anything. Before he did this he told me he wanted to stay away from me till the baby comes because he wanted me to take care of myself. But I don’t believe him I think he found another women or back with his ex? Its been almost a month since he stopped talking to me. My due date ain’t till the end of this month. I wish I knew why men do this? I wish he could of just told me..

    1. Omg that’s sound just like my story except it was not on the internet where I meet him it was at a store. I too was pregnant 5 months to be exact when I met this man. I remember he asked me was I married or do I have a boyfriend. I responded truthfully that I was not with Anyone. We started talking and he was 16 years older than me which was cool cause I like older men. We went out like almost every other day he had to see me like every day. He called me , text me like 3 or 4xs a day we were going pretty
      consistent up till I was 8 months pregnant. He just vanish the last time I talked to him he said that he was finding a new job at a better location btw he is a mechanic .I call, text went to his apartment left a note on the car, I just wanted to know what happened? 2 to 3 weeks went by he finally called me and said that some dude assuming it was the man that I was pregnant by came up to him saying that we were together and that he is breaking up a happy home Blah blah. . So that’s why he just vanish. I did my investigation and could not decide if it was true or not. But I did reassured him that i have no one but him so we started back talking it was not like before I would only see him on Saturday night then Sunday morning he would come up with an excuse to why he had to leave.. Each time he would tell me how such a good woman I am and how when I have my baby that’s when he will be over here every day to help out, cause he know that I don’t have any help yada yada… This time he was supposed to come over and cooked And give me some money. I have not seen for 2 Saturdays don’t respond to my text or calls. I’m due on the 29 of June . I believe that he has vanish for good this time. I feel like I need to know why if he don’t come back about time when I have my baby well he just moved on to maybe another pregnant women idk

  50. Just want to share my experience. I recently came to know that the girl whom I deeply love and who I believe is the one for me, got married. The day I came to know of it, which was a few months back, I was shocked to the core and was in a state of complete denial. Both of us were together for close to 6 years and were planning to get married. It was the first relationship for both of us and in the hindsight I can say that we both were really happy with each other. While I was the energy, she was the calmness; I was the stupidity, she was the reason; I was the variety, she was the stability. However hard I try, I do not find a single instance in all those years when we were really pissed off at each other and hoped that maybe we shouldn’t have met. But they say, sometimes all the love and happiness in the world is not enough to keep something bad from happening. And it did during late last year when we both entered a no contact phase without even saying a word to each other. Basically our families disapproved of each other (I am in India) and we both somehow just stopped talking. Maybe we were afraid, maybe we were guilty of bringing pain to our families or maybe somewhere we expected each other to do something but none of us did. We kept exchanging status messages online and to me at a least it was a sign that we both miss each other and things will eventually work out when tempers cool. I started working on myself and on planning how to win her back but I guess sometimes late becomes never. Not even 5 months had passed and I came to know that she married (maybe family pressure, maybe she had actually moved on, maybe something else) and now all I am left with is questions which I may never get answers to. All I am left with now is to try and find a meaning to my life without all the reason and serenity that she used to bring in our life.

    I have tried most of the things listed above– writing a letter (which I never got a reply to), changing the environment, trying a different lifestyle, meeting new people but all in vain. Upon reflection I can say that true peace can come only from within. Of course, external inputs matter but until you accept the reality they can only so much help you attain peace. And it is the accepting reality part which becomes all the more difficult when you don’t have a closure, when you don’t know why he/she didn’t give you a last chance, why all the love just turned meaningless in a few months, when they can’t talk to you even once. I guess of all the break-ups/separations these kinds are the hardest to cope up with. You know that the only thing you can do is live a life but there’s such a big hole in your heart that everything seems meaningless, you lose the will to live, the purpose of achieving your career goals, your material aspirations. But all you can do is flow with the flow because at some point of time you have to learn to respect other person’s decision and make room for a possibility that maybe they had no other options. And if you try to think positively, just try to answer this question for yourself. How do you want to meet the love of your life whom you were separated from (for whatever reasons) down the road, maybe after years? Do you want to be a miserable person or do you want to be somebody who got their life on track? Just think that if the other person also truly loves you how much pain will it bring to them if they see you miserable? So, if not for yourself (which in most cases people should), try to get up and be a better person. I am trying and have faith that I will one day and I hope you will too.

    What matters is not how hard you’re hit but how hard you can be hit and still rise– Rocky Balboa 🙂

    1. The day you posted this message is the day someone I deeply loved got married. Our families had also disapproved our relationship and we would talk very rarely. I still wish he had given me one last chance, I wanted to undo everything when I realized he was getting married but looks like he didn’t want to come back and that hurt the most. 6 years he held on and I needed this one last chance, but the ship had sailed. I still look back and think what If i had called him in Feb, would he have taken this step. Often I blame myself for not having stood up at the right time, but at times I feel, had he really wanted me, he would have come back when I cried for him. It always easier for the person who moves on especially marriage as they tell themselves they did something for the larger good etc etc but it is horrible for the other person who is left behind – Horrible is an understatement. Hang in there. I am.

    2. Thank you very much for that
      I have been reading up for months on healing, but found your response as one of the most empowering.
      I am sure you are much younger to me but wise helpful words can come from anywhere. I hope you are in a much better space now.

  51. In 2012, my mom passed away at a young age from a long term terminal illness. My girlfriend of less than a year had also lost her mother a couple years prior. The time we spent together was the deepest I’ve ever fallen in love and I’m embarrassed to admit that I even went ring shopping because I was convinced she was the one.

    A month after my mom died, my girlfriend broke up with me for very obscure reasons. I knew there had to be something more. We never talked about it again and her walking away, on top of the grief from losing my mom, sent me into the deepest, darkest depression of my life, alone.

    Most of my friends and family were very upset with her for leaving me during that time. I never blamed her though, because I was a miserable mess and I can’t imagine watching a lover lose their mom after already losing yours.

    Since then, I wake up every day, for the last 2.5 years, aching in pain, longing for my ex. To complicate things, I now live with a new girlfriend, who is unaware of my feelings for my ex. Every time she asks about my anxiety or depression, I tell her it’s because I lost my mom, a partial truth.

    I write draft e-mails to my ex on a regular basis that I never send and I’ve tried everything to get her out of my mind. She asked me never to contact her after the breakup.

    Recently, my ex moved with a few miles of me. We haven’t lived this close to each other since 2012. All of a sudden, I have this yearning for closure, a conversation at least, but I also want to respect her boundaries and my current girlfriend from the shock of finding out.

    My question is: Would it be right to ask my ex to meet for a conversation about our breakup to talk about why she left me? Is that either more likely to make me fall deeper in love with her, or clear the air so I can live happily with my current girlfriend? The worst case scenario would be seeing my ex, her rejecting me again, me falling into a deeper depression and my current girlfriend leaving me over it.

  52. My ex died last week of cancer. We basically faded away without closure about 5-6 years ago. It was a choice I made because I had a crazy ex wife that made my life hell with our son, she didn’t want me to be happy.
    After a couple years, as my son got older, I started seeing other women and I was too worried to contact my ex girlfriend in fears that she had moved on and was living a happy life. Come to find out at her funeral that she was heartbroken and never got over me. I am coping with hate for myself and guilt that I never contacted her, or even tried to rekindle our relationship as I grew stronger and my son grew older.
    I’m super happy with my current relationship and maybe everything happens for a reason, but I will always love my ex who died and always wonder what could have been.
    I let her go in hopes she could find happiness without all my drama, but instead broke her heart and mine too.

  53. I came across this article while on my daily quest across the internet for answers about my failed relationship. My partner and I split up almost six months ago and, even though I don’t cry about it anymore, I still think about him every minute of every day. I haven’t spoken to him or seen him since we parted ways. He didn’t have the decency or respect to end things to my face. He simply told me that he refused to compromise on the size of house we would live in (he wanted to live in a 100 sq. foot “tiny house” and wouldn’t budge from his position) and that he would not go to couples counseling (something I was trying so hard to get him to do). I was furious. I had sacrificed and compromised so much in our relationship and he cared nothing for my needs or feelings. He did not take ownership for hurting me and even used the “nobody can make you feel anything” line when I told him how badly I was hurt. That is why, after reading this article, I felt compelled to comment. When I read the bit about “nobody can make you feel anything”, my blood started to boil. I DESPISE when people say this. At best it is completely ignorant; at worst it is sociopathic. It is also wrong. It’s called cause and effect. Someone’s actions can absolutely MAKE you feel a certain way. In reading all the comments above, the other posters are feeling something very real and the causation is directly related to their exes. Plain and simple. There were certainly instances in our relationship where I said something hurtful (without the intent of BEING hurtful), and my ex made sure to tear into me about how I made him feel bad… But nobody can make you feel anything without your permission, RIGHT?! I apologized because it was the right thing to do..because your words and actions CAN make people feel bad. My ex, on the other hand, never apologized when he did and said things that hurt me. So, I beg to differ on this article’s assertion that nobody can make you feel anything. Our exes can most certainly make us feel all of these awful feelings during and after a breakup. Cause and effect.

    1. Yess, Initially when a partner or ex says something, yes it can make you feel a certain way, but what heres the difference you have the ultimate control of your actions … so if your ex yells, cusses, or is mean .. you have the overall the power be like nope ima walk away ima take a breather, ima not let that person get to me, so yea you may feel some anger or sadness but ultimately you have to tell yourself, hey imm not gonna sit here and mop all day or stay mad and want to punish the wall, no you try to change your feeling in a positive way, like they say “you can’t control their actions only your reaction to it” … granted its hard, really hard but if you want to be out of that funk you can and will.

  54. We split after 8 yrs up due to his issues relating to drugs and alcohol… I always took him back believing he would get there .. I went to Oz came vpback feeling stronger then found out he’d met someone she fell pregnant straight away … We both struggled I stepped away and it’s been a yr of still sleeping with him with real feelings he said he still loves me I still love him… 1 yr on I’m back to Oz and asked him for closure … He’s avoiding it after agreeing to talk and close the door for good. He said he wants me to move on yet won’t keep away from where I still live and wants to bring her into my local..!!! Its destroying me and I feel I want to move on in my life I don’t want to come back and see him playing happy families where I live..

  55. I had a boyfriend I dated for 4 yrs in high school, after that he dissapeared from the hood and relocated to another state without saying goodbye, I tried to look for him but he would not communicate back to me. heard he had other girlfriends, the next thing I heard he had left the country to persue his aducation elsewhere. I was hurt and torn apart. I met some1 new who was great with the confusion and all and I got pregnant of him. We got traditionally married and things ended up really badly between us and I went back home with my child. That is when my high school ex boyfriend came back, I explained to him my situation and he said he was alright with it. We dated for 3 more years without a commitment. He used to say he needs to be financially ready first which I understood. Finally he became financially stable, and thats when he started pulling away from me and the next thing I heard he is now married. He told my cousin that he could not marry me was because I had a child now. I was so hurt , I felt even though I have a child, I can still make a good wife and he used to confess it. He used to say I will make a wonderful wife and life partner. I felt so betrayed and hurt for he was my first love and true love and he had done the same thing to me twice now. use me and dump me. There was nothing wrong with him not wanting me now that I had a child, but he should have perhaps told me from the begining than to waste 3 more years of my life looking up for something serious only to be ditched the last minute. I did not confront him thou for what he did or said. Am I not sure if I am being selfish or he was entitled to his own taste? was it the child’s issue or it was that he didnt love me, if it was the child’s issue why did he not sy from the begining?

  56. If you can’t find the light at the end of the tunnel…if you can’t even find the tunnel…my prayer is that you find relationship closure in the darkness of your current situation. Maybe you’ll never be as happy as you want – and that’s your choice. Maybe you’ll never be as wealthy, or as undamaged as you were before this relationship ended.

    Don’t let this relationship and this person steal your light, energy, and strength. Don’t give him the power to destroy your ability to find the light at the end of the tunnel! I pray that you accept that this relationship ended without closure, and you have to heal without saying good-bye. I pray you find acceptance, surrender, and peace in your life. I pray you find yourself, God, and everything you need to become whole again. I pray you find Him, and let Him make you the person He intended you to be. Amen.


    1. 28 years ago my whole world was crumble alot of stuff happened in my family I was engaged and married and divorce within 3 years I thought I found closure.
      But recently I sent my ex husband a email about located a high school friend. He told me that he didn’t know anything about her. in my 1986 I got pregnant and then aboarded the baby after I had it done my ex blame me And told me that I should have keep the baby. Then shortly afterwards he accused me of sleeping with my birth brothers which was untrue, my family was falling apart I had two deaths, my parents where divorcing, my adopted brother was in a accident and wasn’t exspecting to live. I felt my ex and I driftig apart cause after he blame me for the abortion and told me I could have keep it and I didn’t trust him. Also my ex and my birth family got into a fight my birth brothers damage his vehicle and threatened to kill him. Someone told the cops that he beat me and but they’re was a complaint on him. I wasn’t a victim and he wasn’t a abuser he never miss treated me not until my birth family was in our lies.
      for the passed few weeks I have been talking to him he told me that he divorce me cause of the problems with my birth brothers. My question is I feel like he isn’t being honest. I was recently in the hospital in a coma I tried killing myself. I also told him how I felt back then about the abortion how I felt guilty empty and hurt that he wasn’t there for me that I needed him I gave him the choice to keep talking to me or just stop he told me he wanted keep talking to me. I was remarried in 1993-1998 divorce again My ex has been several times and he currently on his 4th marriage. His wife didn’t want him to talk to me so he been talking to me anyway. He told my oldest daughter the only reason why he concerned about me was I was married to him. I feel like his not bring truthful to me or his self. Do you have any suggestions to help me.

  57. 9 years after the divorce I ‘m still living a nightmare. I have read almost all articles on the subject of closure. Also on the subject of self pity, forgiveness, and all the feelings related to the subject. Still I feel worse than never.
    My husband , a Baptist Minister told me with a clean face that he was in love with my friend, his sister-in-Christ and how they had been at it for over 10 years. My marriage of 27 years was over and my life and our son’s destroyed forever. He married her less than 3 months after our divorce.
    My problem is: I believe I have done everything on the book to let this go: therapy, depression treatment, etc, but as days goes by I feel worse : I see no closure on site. I have only one thought : I must make them hurt like I am hurting. Even if that means physically hurt either one them. I don’t care what happens to me afterwards; it can’t be any worse than this pain I feel. My frustration is that I feel there is something wrong with me: after all this time I am getting worse , when I read about people getting all together in less years.
    What light? I can’t even find a doggone tunnel!

    1. My heart goes out to you. It happen to me also. My husband left without a word at Christmas, it has been 8 years, my anniversary is the 31st. I never saw it coming, and to have no closure is the worst feeling. So much of yourself in a marriage, building your life gone without a trace. I read today, to remember the joy I felt and happiness of my future. Tomorrow I will celebrate and remember, treat myself, hug and love myself. I didn’t do anything wrong, I was a loving beautiful wife, always someone he could count on. I have nightmares, I call them mikemares, the emotional destruction, is incomprehensible, and not only my pain but my sons. Disrespectful, mean, selfish, so many awful despicable loathing coward. I know God is the answer, this is in his hands, I can’t question, or spend my energy on him anymore, yes I have feelings, and sometimes like tonight, as hard as it is, I have to live through a memory of a happy time in my life with the hero I was idolized, but he is long gone, and all I have is me, take care of me. My love was true, and God is faithful, and I was God like. So when I close my eyes and lay my head down, I can say, I was a good wife, and he had a great life. Love to you Maria.

      1. Thanks for posting Pam. I envy you; you have a belief ; after what happened I got this phobia for anything religious. I loved, I trusted a man of the cloth and I trusted God. It is beyond me how He could allow something like this happen on His own temple. Oh, I know about the don’t blame the innocents because of the guilty thing, but I would be dishonest with me and everybody else if I faked this.

        1. You are not alone, I have trust issues also, it comes with the trauma of it all. Remember even people who hide behind God, will be brought out from the dark into the light. The Love of God to you Maria, and I pray for peace of mind. Also thank you for sharing, so important to remember how many of us are out here sprinkled on our journeys, more so in solitude. Tell me your troubles, join us all together with God.

  58. 9 months broken up from a 4 year live in relationship with gf..found out she was cheating during our entire relationship with multiple men 3 months after apology no explanation no remorse no guilt no tears nothing but a stone cold expressionless face in the end.. How she could be so cold after 4 years is a mystery to make matters worse she entered into new relationship with an aquaintance of ours within a month of our breakup .I’ve had no contact since breakup..

    Feelings of self blame…guilt…loss..anger have been my companions everyday since…closure would have helped ..a simple it was me not you or even it was both of us…the way she left it isn’t right and yet she is the happy one having moved on within weeks while I’m still having to rebuild myself..

    1. Sorry for what you are going through Tom! I’m going through a breakup too, where my ex of 1 year just refuses to talk to me or face me. He’s ignoring all my messages and notes. Grant it there were some problems, but I always was willing to work it out. We never seemed to be able to sit down and talk it out. Sometimes we didn’t, sometimes we didn’t. We had a bad fight on NYE and he stormed out and hasn’t wanted to talk about anything. No even break up! I know he cares, and we spent a ton of time together. Even an 8 day backpacking trip in the backcountry! My point is that just leaving things like this is so terribly toxic. I wake up everyday with guilt, self blame, unworthiness of love etc. I personally would never let someone suffer that way. If it were me I would let them talk and listen however which way the outcome is. Are these people human? I feel like all the time we shared was meaningless..I still need to reach out for him and try to understand what is going on. It feels like he just threw up a wall and cut and run. I guess that is easier for some than feeling?
      Take care.

      1. I’m going through exactly the same..i have begged for months…just for him to at least tell me we are done..i would give a kidney for him, I pushed everyone away for him..and now im alone. I did whatever I could for him, I would stay home and wait for him just to have a chance to talk to him for even an hour, 5 years…he stopped talking to me in our anniversary, he spoke to me again when he found out I crashed, he said we could talk about that later..and then nothing..that was the 1st of November of last year. Yet still I haven’t had a single message from him… Why would someone who would comb my hair, bring up marriage himself without me hinting at it…suddenly do that… is as you say. are these people even human? The only thing that hurted more than what im going through is that I couldn’t be part of his birthday.. I didn’t care it was our anniversary I wanted him to spend time with his friends and brothers..

        He left me and I hate the fact I still have hope.

        1. Hi to Tom, Mary and Anonymus,

          I am going through the same thing as you guys. My hubby of 6 years and + 1 of relationship, said he doesn’t love me anymore and wants a divorce out of the blue! I never expected of him to do something like that. Since that day onward, he has been behaving like a total stranger. Ignoring my smss, mails, calls, blocking me……our marriage was really bad at that point, but I never tought he would just leave me high and dry like that:( Not talking abput it at all, and changing over night…so I did a bit of research, and talked to my therapist, and came to conclusion he has Aspergers syndrom…it helped me a lot to understand his behaviour and his actions and his silence…maybe you should look up on interenet about the subject, because that’s how most of the times they act after a break up, which is not normal for us….I hope you guys find your answers like I did…

          Be stong!

    2. When someone walks out of your life, let them. There’s no use in wasting your time in people that leave you. What you make of yourself and your future is no longer tied to them, Yeah. You might miss them. But remember you weren’t the one that gave up. I went through a similar situation I was involved with this girl for 5 long years. She was a really good actor I caught her in her lies, But at that time I was in denial I didn’t want to believe that, she’s really that type of a girl. No matter how smart you might be. The truth will always catch up with you one day! She was fooling me all this time I never understood why. Until I lost my License wasn’t able to work or do much I was in pretty bad shape, That’s when she started to show her true color’s I stayed doing what I was doing. Cause I really wanted to know the truth. She started staying out all night with her friends, So she claimed But I knew it was more than just that. She became very disrespectful towards me and started to treat me really badly I guess when your involved with someone else and your in a relationship it becomes really easy to disrespect your partner cause your secure at the other end. anyways we fought all the time, and she would purposely make me mad, She was waiting for me to snap so she has an excuse to get up and leave, She turned everyone against me overnight, packed up and left in the morning, We never talked since I could say that every girl no matter who she is, All the girls have skeletons in there closet, And when you finally find out there secret’s they get up and leave!

  59. I think that it is really stupid to let go of someone when both of you love each other. It really makes no sense. There may be a few cases when there is simply no other choice, but simply out of will? That’s not love.

  60. I’m getting married soon and I have a huge problem with my future husbands ex girlfriend, 1. They knew each other way before they became romantically involved, in that time they had 2 kids. 2. Those kids are now adults. My problem is why cant he cut the emotional strings and apron strings with her….he even allowed her to come into our home when I was not present, knowing full well how I would feel about that, mind you we had just got into a fight because of her the night before…..what am I to say or do about this…..if we dont get help with this issue and get married, we will not make it as a married couple

  61. Dear April,

    Writing a letter to your father is a wonderful way to find relationship closure and healing. It sounds like you already have an idea about what you want to say, you just need to get the whole thing written on paper. I’d use a pen and paper, not online.

    I encourage you to share what’s in your heart. Write a first draft — don’t think about sending the first version of your closure letter. Your first version is meant to be you just saying everything that’s in your heart and mind. Sleep on it for a couple of days, and write a second version. I might ask a trusted friend or family member to read the second version – but it really depends on what happened between your father and you.

    I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful. Writing a closure letter in a relationship is a very personal thing, and I’m not the right person to help you through the process. I’m too far away, and on the internet! Please find someone in person who knows you – even a counselor or pastor – who can give you the support you need.


  62. I really need closure. I had a good male friend I lived with for almost 2 years. I was in love w/him, and he just wanted me there for money -=- but I was too stupid to see that. No, we never were intimate together, tried 2 times and it failed miserably! Known him for 14 years… and nothing! So, 6 months ago… I packed up, moved back across country (back home). Left a job, an apt w/him (no lease broken), and although I struggled a little financially, God has been great to me. Today he called me… and we talked for less then 5 seconds… all he could say was ok… so not sure why he even called!

    I broke down and cried when I hung up… I really did, just really broke down. I prayed for closure, I even texted him back and told him Ineeded to talk to get closure.. but now, if he never calls back that will be ok. Because now I realize just how great God has been to me, I have food to eat, and a roof over my head… a job, faith, peace and serenity, a way to make it thru… and God is blessing me. Emotionally it takes time… and I’m starting to get closure. I will be okay, I do just know that when you tell someone you love them and they really are your best friend, and their response is “you are a good friend too”… that’s like them telling you to F&^&%$# off… and it hurts bad… and I’m never putting myself in that situation again!

    I do still have love for him, do love him and always will… but in a different way, but I realize just how grateful I was and am that he was there when no one else was… and now… I realize God was there all along, and I stayed my welcome WAY TOO LONG!!! It will be okay, this too shall pass!!!

    Onward and upward!

  63. I feel I really need to write a closure letter to my father. Things between myself and my siblings and their spouses has gone downhill very badly. I do believe a huge amount is due to his wife. She has definitely driven a wedge between all of us. Their adopted daughter even criticises my daughter. It’s to the extreme. I have some ideas. Would you help me? Any suggestions good or bad no problem. Hate, Hurt, Feelings of being unworthy, Pain, Grudges, Frustration, Complain and wine- What makes me upset?, Unhappy, Pointing out all my flaws, Abandonment, I want to avoid pain. POSITIVE AT THE END Honest, Healthy, Open minded Non judgmental communication.

    Thank you, April

  64. Dear Beth,

    I’m sorry for your loss – and your husband’s leaving is definitely a loss! It’s the end of a very important chapter in your life, and it takes a long time to grieve the end of a marriage. It’s especially painful when you don’t have relationship closure, and you have to heal without saying good-bye properly.

    My prayer for you is that you find the strength and courage you need to grieve and let your husband go. May you connect with God, and find peace and serenity in your new life. May you find relationship closure even though you never had the chance to say good-bye to your husband in a healthy way. May you find the right people and resources to help you move on, and may the next chapter of your life be more fulfilling and interesting than you can dream right now!

    Thank you for being here, and for sharing your story.

    In peace and passion,

  65. Hello Louise,

    I’m sorry it didn’t work out with the man you were involved with. It sounds like he cares for you a great deal, but can’t see himself being in a relationship with you. Ouch! That is very painful. My heart goes out to you.

    I believe God approves of my choice of husband because we were friends for 17 years before we married, and neither of us married anyone else in all those years. I believe God intended us to be together, and I feel at peace with our marriage.

    One major sign you’re meant to be together is if the man you’re in love with, loves you back! If he doesn’t feel it’s right, then God isn’t the foundation of your relationship.

    It sounds like you need to let him go, even though you may not have relationship closure. You need to accept the breakup, and trust God that someone else will come along who is right for you.

    I hope this helps, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


    1. I am suffering. My husband of 32 years left without a goodbye 2 months ago. He made a plan in the week or so before leaving and kept it from me. He made believe he was going to work each day, but didn’t go. He even called me on his break. When he didn’t come home, I tried to call and received a text that said “ran away”. Since then, no word to me, our grown children, his parents. I found out that he took his retirement money early, some cash from the house, and was in Florida where he planned to start over. No contact information, no phone, left me with all of the bills. He had been despondent for several months, but said he wasn’t feeling well (he had been in a serious accident several years prior and had some problems). I kept making dr appointments for him , and he went, had several surgeries, most recently on his knee. He had been out of work for a few years and had been working for a year at a factory, and I found out it wasn’t going well. This was not his career of choice. We had fought quite a lot over the last several months, due to his withdrawn nature, but I never doubted his love for me. He did doubt mine for him a few times. Now he is lost to all, and I do not know if we will ever hear from him. He is 56 years old and left everything behind, it seems like forever. I wish I could have some kind of closure; I mostly want him to come home. I love him desperately.

  66. Dear Ebony,

    Thank you for sharing your faith and inspiration here! It sounds like you’re a stronger, healthier, happier woman because of what happened in your relationship. You’re using your experience to help others – you’ve gained wisdom and insight.

    Stay true to you and God,

  67. For those of you that have a relationship with God, just know that things will get better. Keep your faith, keep you head up. What ever you do, don’t go back. Especially if you know for a fact that you did nothing wrong. You submit, and chase, and crawl, and cry, they lose all respect for you, and honestly you will not realize how bad you look on the outside in. Let them realize what they’re missing out on. LET THEM MISS YOU. I’m living proof that by walking away from someone, even without closure, they came back and wanted to be with me. They wanted to be apart of my life again. Unless you feel like its truly sincere (always check with God before you make any moves.) Then don’t go back. Let go, let God have his way, something better will come along. I cried many nights when I had been broken up with. He did what he wanted to do with me and left and moved to another state. No goodbyes. Nothing. Never had closure, and I assume that I will never get it. Then there was another relationship, I chased after this guy for years, loved him with all my heart, he told me he loved me too, then he just stopped talking to me out the blue one day. It was cold and heartless. I couldn’t stand it. But I finally walked away and God revealed to me why he just stopped talking to me. He had a girlfriend the whole time he was dating me and kept trying to hide it. So he stopped talking to me out of guilt, and left me with a broken heart and an unsettled mind. Now I live, eat, and breathe love, love for me, love for myself, and love for who the true One is in the future. I hope and pray for the best, and I wish for the best. For those men that hurt me, I plan to never look back. Life is about moving forward onto to bigger, better, and sexier things, and when it comes, only God will be able to move me. I love me and respect me. Never again, until death…with I make a move, unless God approves.

    1. Hi
      Can you please tell me how you know that God approves with your choice of man. You sound like an interesting person to talk with. I have sadly been very hurt by a man who claimed that we are not on the same ‘faith’ page. I am catholic and he is christian and heavily into his faith. Unfortunately I received an email to tell me he was never going to marry me, see a future, we can’t just be friends because of the bond we have. He can’t see me again because is he attracted to me and needs to distance himself. I tried to call him a few days after the email and send a text to say that I received the email and I was ok with it ( although truly gutted) and wished him luck. I’ve heard nothing and I now know he had moved back to London.

  68. Sometimes the only thing you can do when a relationship ends is wait for time to pass, and your heart to heal. Sometimes there is no closure, no formula or tips for making things better.

  69. Dear Corinne,

    Thank you for sharing your relationship. I’m super happy to hear that you’re a Christian! I believe that your suffering through the end of this relationship will bring you closer to God, and that He will help you find ways to help other people through their pain.

    About seven years ago, my sister cut me out of her life with no explanation. I believe I know why she left me, but she didn’t give me a chance to say good-bye. It still hurts me every day, but I know my pain can actually be helpful to others….if I let it.

    How did your breakup improve your life, or your relationship with Christ?

  70. Dear Kim,

    Thank you for sharing your experience. I think people with strong family ties will often choose their families over their partners, because they were raised believing family is the most important thing in life. It probably was not easy for your boyfriend to choose his family over you, but…he did.

    My heart goes out to you. I am glad you are looking into volunteer options to keep yourself busy – I hope you keep trying until you find the place for you! And, maybe you could think about going back to school or traveling. Anything to pull your head out of your relationship, and into a fulfilling, challenging life.

    Let me know how you are doing! You WILL heal and survive…it just takes time.

    Wishing you all the best,

  71. I feel like I retreated backwards. In college, I dated a wonderful guy (so, I thought) who I thought was the man especially made for me. We met in fall 2002. He and I would converse after class. I had no idea he was crushing on me. He would want to study with me for midterms and finals. I would arrange a small group and still no idea he crushed on me. Then one day we exchanged numbers, we chatted over the winter break. Classes resumed in January and he bought me late christmas gift to my dorm. It was a Yolanda Adams CD, chocolate covered raisinets, and random candy. They were the very things that we discussed over the winter break. I was so touched. The rest is history. He asked me to be exclusively his we professed falling for each other and we were a couple for 2 strong years. We were honest to one another. We had each other’s backs. We were our own A team. Then fall 2005 rolls around. Our senior year. He seemed like he was constantly under stress. His studies had suffered and he was one of the leaders of one of the leading organizations. He also held a part time job. I was pretty busy myself with classes, work, and campus activites. So, I told him that we don’t have to see each other so often so we can both have a breather. We were still committed to each other but instead of seeing one another 3 times during the work week and every weekend. We can see each other and every other weekend. It was a senior year and we felt like we should hang with friends more since we wouldn’t see them perhaps after college.

    Then the betrayal comes. He secretly began to chase after another woman on campus…a sphomore. I think they met in the same class we were taking that semester. When we were together, I trusted him so much and he trusted me, so working in groups dominated by the opposite sex was not an issue. He alsways assured me through his talks, actions, and attention that he was mind and I his. by the end of the fall semester of 2004, he acted sooo strange. I thought it was still the stress because surely he would tell me that he had a change of heart. I trusted that.

    Then 2/5/2005, long story short, he finally told me he had another love interest that he wanted to pursue and get to know this girl. I was crushed!!! Then later I learned that other people on campus believed us to be broken up since Dec 2004. I had no idea I was broken up. I was the last to know. The belief was that I could not let go of the relationship, which was why I kept coming around in January. I had no idea.

    I graduated from my undergrad with the identity of the “ex girl that could not let go.” Nevermind that he lied to me and never said anything. The funny thing is that one of the talks we had (we had several talks that just made me absolutely MISERABLE) he said if I ever did this to him, he would fall APART. Then why do this to me???

    It’s now Feb 2013, I’ve dated since then, but that relationship still haunts me. I moved states away and developed a fulfilling lifestyle. I have a stronger foundation with Jesus Christ and I find myself talking about this with my christian friends. It helps alot especially 1 John 2 or 1 John 3(if he was of you, he would’ve stayed, but since he is not he was not for you). It put things into perspective.

    Recently, his friends and one of my friend’s husband kinda work together and I was reminded of the pain just by the sound of his name. I would never be with him again but man does the pain hurt.

  72. The pain is so awful. The feeling of “I can’t see how I could ever love someone else and feel the depth of it like I did this one person.” In my case we had distance and age difference, me being the older one and him younger. It never made any difference to us. After 2 years we decided to move in together. When his family found out they made him choose between being with me and being disowned by the family forever or stay living at home, where they seriously wanted his income because they refused to work and make money themselves. Presented with the choice, he told me I was very sorry but he was staying with his family. He wanted to still be my friend, us see each other once in a while, take vacations, etc. I know he is not good dealing with emotions. I have not contacted him, however because of a group we are both involved with, he knows some of what is happening on my end. I did not freak out, but rather I told him I understand. Although he doesn’t know it, I am a wreck. I can’t seem to keep thinking maybe he will see his family is just using him and want to come back. I am taking steps as I have began getting out of the house, taking classes, walking…..but the hardest thing is I work a season job and this is my off season. I don’t go back to work for 2 months. All this time on my hands is making it so awful because I think of him. I don’t have a lot of money to just up and do things. The places I have contacted to volunteer to fill my time is not accepting volunteers. I’m so confused.

  73. I have a close friend whom feel for him.He went out with somegal he met online.Things were great of course then after a few months they started fighting more often.Then they will have great times in which they clicked in which they worked great together.He(Mr.R)tells me that (Ms.V)used to get him aggitated easily that things felt strange depressed after a couple days together,They didn’t live together.I ve met Ms.V a few times as well good gal.She was a professional type looking for a carear type of guy .Then one day they were somewhere for the weekend she start getting ticked at him as he was waking up as they were ready to head home she ran out started to yell at him then he got pissed turned around then pushed her away. She lost her balanced then sprained her ankle.They hanged out with one another a couple weeks later she ended it completely .Just out of the blue no contact was mean on the phone.She then started doing things every weekend with friends going on trips around the state with all her friends, opening her own expanding business, seeing someone new.That’s all great except my friend Mr.R practically paid for everything to just keep her afloat of her bills for six months this went onwards.She called him out of the blue talked for a while then decided to ask questions that were bothering him she didn’t want to talk about anything he had to tell her.She never returned or answered calls from him in the meanwhile shes living the life my friend is living in his car trying to find work she has nothing good to tell him.He tried to save the relationship he was the one who was trying to talk to people for recommendations,he has felt terrible so much so that he won’t goout with anyone thinking he might get ticked off at someone.mS.V told Mr.R that she would not reconcile tha she is moving sucessfully forward. I think to myself what a “witch” you know she wouldn’t be there for him if he was on a deathbed yet she goes to tearfully see her ex-husband of a heart attack.Mr.R was always there to help her out whenever he could they lived 35 miles apart.He did so much for her yet he’s hurting now she tells him blank off.that he did so many unforgivable things she never admits shes wrong.She should at least show appreciation for things he did.Instead she couldn’t care less about him now that she has wealth,friends,new lover, new home I would never forget her for that.I’m close friends with Mr.R heard both sides of story.

  74. Relationship closure is difficult because it’s a process, not a one time thing. That is, you don’t get closure or heal overnight. It takes weeks, months, or even years to get proper closure.

    It does help to be able to say goodbye, though. Healing seems quicker when you can talk about why your relationship ended.

  75. I dont even know if I need closure or not,since I now know im not dealing with an honest person,and closure involves honest communication,which I know I will not get frm him,I have just resorted to Prayer! Im soo hurt,devastated and cant just get him out of my mind.I did everything for this guy,why he chose to hurt me the way he did i have no idea.Getting closure will only allow him hurt me more with his lies and cock and bull stories!I am a very angry woman who is scared of geting closure.I hvnt said a word to him after I saw him with the other woman,not a word! but I believe Prayer is the best and only closure that a person in my situation needs at this moment.

  76. When I sit and think about how much I put into the relationship how loyal I was to a person who didn’t care I shut down thousands of time cause I couldn’t understand why he didn’t love me I did everything right but nothing was good enough for him I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me I chase him I gave him I put 100 percent than one day I was tried I don’t care why he couldn’t love me so u don’t need closure u need find urself and when u did and ur tried everything eles will be alrite

  77. Doesn’t matter which way you look at it or what steps you follow. It still sucks. The memories both good and bad haunt me daily. What was what is now and what might have been are my constant companions. All the years of my life have led to this moment and do I look back at what I’ve gained and lost with acceptance or remorse? I don’t want this anymore. I have truly learned that there are some things worse than death. One being waiting around lost in misery and simply waiting to die. It’s good to hear some of your success stories, it brings comfort knowing that at least some of us made it.

  78. After being with a woman I loved dearly, who I bought a car, and put through nursing school, who was divorced and living with her parents..for 5 years, come to find out when she finished school, she had actually had another man on the side, whom she had married three years prior, and yet continued to see me the whole time, 3 times a week, every week, sex, dinner, all of it. Not only taking my money, but my love. I had told her that I was done over text when I found out she was married. That was it, no closure, just anger on my side, wanting to tell her husband, but I never did. I wrote down all the negatives, all my anger. I couldn’t get her out of my head for a long time, a couple of years, so much anger. I dated, exercised, and did all the tips they recommend to get over someone.

    I must have dated a hundred women over a two year period. All of which wanted me, but none of which were my ex. And one day, I just woke up, and that was it, She wasn’t worth my thoughts anymore, she would regret not having me in her life, more than her in mine. I found closure in my own self.

    Not but two weeks later after that, I met a woman that just blew me away, and I was finally really open to love again, or at least taking the chance again. Closure or not, it just takes time to get over a broken heart, there is no quick fix, we are human, not machines. Closure is a figment of our imaginations, moving on is the reality.

  79. thank you so much for your article. I need closure very badly from my relationship as I have been struggling for months, and I just cant seem to let her go. I honestly don’t know how to say goodbye to this woman, despite all the attempts that I have made so far. Thanks for sharing anyway

  80. I realized that i needed to go to the process. I have been married two times and currently married for the 3rd time. I thought when i married my first husband i was going to die if he was not in my life. I put up with him physically abusing me and not comimg home for weeks. I did’t get the chance to make him pay for the abuse like jail or talk to him about a divorce he just left and never came back which left me without closure. One day something inside said to move forward, because it’s someone or something better out there. The second husband had to deal with my failed marriage to my first husband. I treated him like a option and was still yearning for someone else. The scars my ex husband left cost me a chance of being in a good healthy marriage. That loser was not worth my time or tears and my baggage broke up are marriage to a great guy and now he’s married to a great girl. I hurted for a long time and one day it was all over, no more pain just lessons learned. The present marriage is harder then both because he is wounded to, however, what i’ve learned is i will be alright if his decision is to leave or I leave due to us not being able to fix are differences. Love is a gift and should be easy not full of doubt; if he loves me? if he loves me not? I’m thankful for the journey and now i just want to love people that love me like my family and friends.

  81. I did quite a few things that I read in this article. I changed friends, career, I even took up extreme hobbies like mountain climbing, I also went to counseling for a while. The funny thing is I hadn’t felt better about myself, the way I looked, the positive attitude I have about life and the future. Then it happened the inevitable ex wanted to talk and all I could do is say NO in everyway I could think of – so it begs the question do I need to know why? He was never honest to begin with so who’s to say he’ll be honest about what happen now? I didn’t want to run the risk of dredging up our past the marriage and all that he had done – I want to move on as if he was someone I had met once long ago and thats’s it! Maybe I’m crazy but I lived through the pain once and I never undserstood the why’s so how is that going to change. I feel like speaking with him only give him power again – knowing what I am doing and how hurt I was…. I don’t know this article touched a cord because this all happen last night and now I can’t get it out of my head – ugh! and yet it was a simple call – imagine had I took the time how many steps back he could of set me….

  82. Closure isn’t something we find outside ourselves. I think we need to find our own closure in our own selves, especially if our ex-loved ones aren’t willing to help us with it. Relationship closure can take years, and sometimes never happens.

    I’ve found relationship closure by reading books that help me accept and be at peace with myself and my life. Other people find closure by burning relationship mementos, or writing letters, or moving to a different city or country.

    Maybe relationship closure isn’t something to seek…maybe instead we just need to accept that we’ll always feel attached to that person.

  83. chel,this is a sad situation to be in, raising a child with two parents is hard enough let alone by yourself..Maybe look at getting some counselling just to talk through with someone other than family or friends they cant always be objective.I know i wouldnt have got through my sadness without talking to someone else who didnt know the other person.Your therapist can maybe just give other suggestions that may help,and even put you in touch with others in same situation.You need to be emotionally strong for your little one thats coming in body and mind.My heart is with you..all the way from Australia.

  84. Im trying to find closure for the relationship I had with the father of my child. I’m still pregnant, at 22 weeks along and no matter how happy I am to be expecting, even without the father, I still feel the feeling of doubt and sadness about not having him in our lives. I haven’t seen him since I was three months and he hasn’t spoken to me or replied to me in over a month. He’s disappeared for all I know. I know his way of dealing with our break up is just not to confront it at all, but I’ve been the type to always talk things out and seek amicable closure from my meaningful relationships.

    The hard part about letting go is that he’s literally a part of me.I have a part of him growing inside me and that makes it much harder to just move on because I’m reminded everyday of him, almost every minute. I’m trying to be strong for the baby and the last thing I wanted to become compromised is the happiness I feel about expecting. I’m seeking ways to find closure on my own. I emerse myself in work, I’ve started a business, Ive been working on my house to prepare for the baby, I’ve even started to write a letter to him, which I won’t be sending.

    One of the things I’ve realized while writing that letter is how confused my emotions are. I can’t write objectively yet as when describing one thing without fault, I’ll describe another thing in an amicable fashion, and the next thing in a condemning fashion. Its become clear to me that I still have love for him and wish things turned out better, but I also feel intense hatred toward him and distrust. I know my emotions are my own and essentially independent of him. It’s much easier said than to done to find closure on your own and truthfully, it feels damaging and defeating.

  85. The words closure,heal,get over,time whatever you want to call it sometimes just doesnt cut it..there are some things in life that we will never heal from,however as long as our hearts beat and our lungs pump,the world keeps spinning and we get up, get dressed and show up, life will go forward and we will move on.NOt necessarily get over and all those words but move forward.And some days you just feel like crap and thats ok.But one day you will notice you went a whole day without crying,and that is moving forward..

  86. Melissa,

    Oh wow… does your post bring back memories! I dated a man in my city (lets cal him Scott), met him online, things moved very quickly. He so loving, incredibly attentive, remembered EVERYTHING I told him. We laughed, danced, sang, spent hours on the phone weekly. I was CRAZY about him! One evening we were to go to dinner theater when he called and said he had to work late (covering for an ill employee) which was not unusual. I had to run my nephew to his job (his car broke down) before dinner theater, and was stopped at a traffic light about two blocks from Scott’s work when I just happened to look at the car in the lane next to me and saw Scott with another woman (it was at the time he normally got off of work). We made eye contact. After the light changed I pulled into a parking lot and texted “I thought you had to work late”, he never responded. I was crushed. I never heard from him after that. A month and a broken heart later I got a call from a woman saying she was Scott’s live-in girlfriend of 2 years (she was the one I saw him in the car with). He accidentally left his cell phone at home that day (he never left that phone unattended.) It buzzed constantly throughout the morning so she thought there might be an emergency so she looked at the calls. That’s when her world was shattered. She found out he had 7 other women he was doing this with. She called all of us. He was a psychopath and was lying to us all (One of the women he was “engaged” to was a psychiatrist, she didn’t even suspect). He had asked four of the 7 women to marry him. He used a friend’s apartment and told us it was his. He had a brilliant mind and was able to remember every little detail about all of us, never confused the facts about any of us (I know this because four of us got together one evening and compared facts, none of us suspected anything). Two of the women he was involved with were from out of town, one of them was flying in the next week to spend the entire week with him. His current girlfriend didn’t suspect anything. Long story short… I actually got closure when I found out what kind of person he was. Even then – it took time to heal and I mourned. He manages a restaurant 2 blocks from where I work, I still think of him everytime I pass it (only without pain now.)

    Melissa, a man would not have someone he cares about fly into town to be with him and stand her up. I’m sure you suspect by now that something isn’t right here. I wish you could have a better answer, and more closure. Whatever you do – DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT. We are human, we want love and affection – and we tend to trust people to be who they say they are. And you are right, sometimes time is closure.

  87. I met a man when I was on vacation, it was completely random and it was a complete shock that he pursued my attention the very day I left to go back home. We were inseparable. He called me every single day, and we very quickly began talk in any way that we could. Nightly Skype dates, texting, the whole package. I became swept up in him in a very short amount of time. We we’re very clear with our feelings from the very beginning, stating how we felt about each other and putting it on the table that regardless of just meeting and living in different cities, we wanted to get to know each other, and that included in person as well. I began to feel things for him I never felt before, and that includes my past relationship of 4 years. I was easily falling for this man and I could not control it. We we’re right “there” together.
    We suddenly hit this awkward stage, and it was as though I was scared I had showed too much, scared him off, or worse. I couldn’t handle that so I made sure he knew (even if in my head I couldn’t help but wonder) that I did not carry expectations and that we we’re just living in the moment, taking each day for what it was. It began to get real, almost as though we evolved a little.
    But unfortunately the hiccups continued, and I was left hot and cold. I knew that something had changed, but I didn’t want to really say it out loud. The hardest part is even when I slowed things down he’d always come back and sweep me off my feet. There were so many times he did this, and anyone who knows what it’s like to be in my shoes knows how hard it is to resist. Because regardless of any situation you just want to be with your person and be the cause of their happiness. I didn’t know it would cause me so much pain to not get out when the signs were clear. I was so clouded by every emotion I remember from the start, living and breathing on past moments together. Thinking it was IMPOSSIBLE for him not to care about me because every time he always came back.

    At one point it was almost as though I thought I lost him for good, it was like he disappeared and through many sleepless nights and MANY cries, I was prepared to say my last goodbyes and hold my own even though I felt so weak inside. To my surprise he came back and said sweet nothings and told me he hadn’t forgot about me. Every woman’s dream right?!
    Well I should have known it was a dream. And I should have let it go, because when I continued onward with him he ended up hurting me more than anyone could ever imagine, more than I ever knew was possible for him.
    We planned for me to visit him, we both expressed our greatest excitements’, and truth be told I was ready and prepared to just experience an amazing weekend and know that it could potentially be as far as I’d get. Little did I know he would stand me up, and I would spend an entire weekend in his city alone with my hopes and heart crushed.
    He started off with texts saying he was running late, and then he would disappear on me. He just continued to say he was on his way and then he’d leave me hanging. Eventually he just quit all together and I never heard from him again. I expressed my deepest sorrow to him, and regardless of how angry I felt inside, I never let him have the satisfaction. I kept my composure, and even let him know he could be open and real with me, and if he wanted out of my life to just say it because it was ok. I never did hear from him again, and I probably never will.
    The hardest part is not knowing and having everything left unanswered. I’m left here clobbered and I just wish so bad I could have closure so I could move forward with my life.
    This article is helpful, but truth be told the only thing that will really make things better is time.
    To anyone who is suffering heart ache, just know it will get better. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But one day.

  88. Im trying to find closure in my on again off again relationship which has been going on for around 2 years.He is in a 12 step program which makes things a bit more tougher as they have a few extra issues to deal with.He told me a month ago he loved me but then within that same week he told me he had met someone else.I didnt get any real answers to why, as he is a recovering addict they really struggle when faced with any kind of emotional trauma as in relationship to answer that question was really naive of me to ask it. the article is so true that you have good days and bads backwards and forwards..Dont give yourself a hard time and try and turn those wounds into wisdom.

  89. Well I went out with a gal for about a year.We did a lot of good things together.I was thoughtful to her always glad to see her even though she lived 50 miles away along witht the fact she had worked long hours at her work.We started bickering at each other then it came down to yelling at each other then one grabbing a rag stuffing it in her mouth for a second after telling her to stop yelling at me three times.Another time I has slapped her in the shoulder after arguing she claimed had a bruise from it.She then tells me that we bring out the worst in each other.Well she brought out a lot of good as well.I really have feelings for her yet she rarely text or talks to me after these last two months.She tells me that she can’t see me anymore yet I feel strongly that I could help work it out with her if she’s willing.It’s a trust thing now,she knows I like her back despite the fact her friends are on her side yet my friends try to reach out talk to her.Does anyone feel that this is a lost cause? I feel that I have a slight chance,it will take some work yet if somehow I could break through then with her co=operation different approach there may be a chance.

  90. Me and my bf been together for exactly 4 months but it felt like 2 years he was the best thing that happend to me i guess you can say but when i found out he wasn’t happy and he was miserable it mad me sadder I TRIED TO fix things but nope. I lost my virginity to him which makes it alot harder to get over him :'( and he has more reasons why but won’t tell me he blocked me on f.b nd ignores me Help

  91. I understand that it’s difficult to tell people something that you KNOW will upset them, I have had to do it myself in the past and its almost as uncomfortable giving the “bad news” as it is receiving it. However, when did it become okay to stop treating people with respect and dignity? Social and digital media (Twitter, Facebook, Instant messengers, email) make it easy for us to connect, to stay in touch, but at the same time they give people a “mask” that they can hide behind. These “tools” can dehumanize and disconnect us from the senses we rely on, and leave us wondering what the person on the other end is actually trying to say to us…

    Closure in a relationship is something we might never receive. If you cared for the person to begin with, if you ever honored that person at all than take the high road and tell them in person, or over the phone that you will be moving on. Yes they might be hurt, angry or sad by your disclosure, Yes you might have to put up with a feeling uncomfortable for a few minutes, but in the end they will respect you for delivering the news to them with kindness, and more importantly – they will begin to heal.

    For those of you who have posted here above and below my post – I’ve walked in your shoes, I know your pain. The buck stops here though… I refuse to treat others like I have been treated! Responsibility, dignity and kindness… do it!

  92. My ex-boyfriend dumped me 4 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuses to have any contact with me. I’m so confused, and we have no closure in our relationship. I was wrong and now it’s too late.

    Thank you for writing this because it helped.

  93. After five long years my heart aches with pain my mind is in shambles and my life is in pieces I really don’t know how to move on I’ve been in two relationships one for four years another for five years I’ve be doing this since I was fifteen years old things seem like nothing is really meant to be I just need to heal so I can live again

  94. and im bearly 20 years old and im willing to fight for this love that my husband and i havee i love him and im his love soildier his 23 i guess well see eachothe once were on our 30s damn its sucks i try not to think about it because its a longg time the worst part is that i dont my papers and not legal and i can even goo see him to prison maybee people hellpp

  95. My Story started in 2006 i was 15 i had me the love of my life (thought so than)We were the happiest couple ever that everybody hate it on it lastes almost 3 years till he left me unexpectally without the courtesy to even tell me he didnt wanted to be with ,not just leave me aftyer everything my family and i had done for him,i love him withh alll my heart i was down for hiim to the foelest we did everything together we already had our plans for our future but that day we never talked to each other again as a couple was one afternoon that we had gotten out of school early ;i walked him to the bus stop to go with that bitch but i didnt know and than before he got on the bus he gave me a a good bye kiss and tight hug and told me i love you p for some reason after that i felt like if i was never gona see him again and yup he shine me off straight up ever sinse that day dammnn it broke my heartttttt into million pieces it was such a deep sharp shocking pain that didnt even make me cry and didnt want to!at some point till 2 months later i go to his house and try to pick up some stuff and im getting to the apt and i seen him with her in a lil slut dress and him holding on to her i was surprised and try to beat her upp but they didnt let it happennn it was horribleee;its been 3 years and we never when back im guessing he stilll with her he had came bak to me 1 year after he came to visit my mom end up stayng wit me that night we spend a whole day n night together just talking and for the next day he lefttt and dissapeared from my life once again witout telllin me nothing n didnt even come to my moms birthday the same day he left DAmnnn the was time that really broke my heart and broke down in tears it was the worst depression in my life i hqad finally realised that he didnt love me or even cared about me after everythinggg thats when i decided to move one than 2 years after i met the man of my dreams and became my huisband i was finally happy again thinking everything was gonna b perfect than now he gets locked up for 8 yearss and im goinnng bcrazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy why dis happen to meeeee :(but i believe and loooking forward them better dayss

  96. Hi everyone. I am going through the toughest time of my life. My husband of 3 years has left me with no explanation..just ignoring me. He is from America and I am from England. We were planning on me moving there really soon.. and saw eachother every month.
    He is in a band and tours every now and then, but that has never been a problem till this tour… we have been having some problems but nothing major.. yet within a week of being on this tour he started distancing himself… hardly any replys to my messages on fb.. NO calls.. becoause he was out of signal(so he says) and too busy and tired and ill etc.. all the excuses, that funnily enough never bothered him before during the hundreds of tours.
    I have a strong feeling he has met someone else on this tour. He wont reply to me.. wont talk to me about anything. I just dont know what to do. My whole life is my marriage and my child (who he is step dad too) I just dont know what to do… :’-(

  97. Its not really easy tryin to move on without closure, i am going throu a rough patch as well after my ex boyfriend broke up with me two months ago.. The break up was all unexpected because just before i got a text message from him telling me we should break up we were really in good terms, he told me that he wanted to be alone for a while, i accepted cos i thought it was not really over and that he will come back and start again, well i contacted him a month and a week after but he told me he had a girlfriend, after some time he invited me via social network and told me he was cheatin on me and stuff so that is why he broke up with me but he is still dating the same girl, i still think there is more… 2 months down the line he called me saying that he misses me and that i should visit his place when schools closes cos hes at varsity and im at college, (we were in a long distance relationship and i am the one who gets to visit his place). after i got this strange call from him, i am really depressed its like i moved back to step one, i try so hard not to contact him again and i know i wont but i still have hope that we will get back together but i also know that im wrong and that i have to move on. any advice would really help..

  98. I am in a situation of not getting closure early on coming back to haunt me. I fell in love with a guy when we were both 19, I think maybe we were too young but despite how we felt about each other it fell apart because he wouldn’t let me in. For 3 years afterwards I searched for answers begged him to take me back the works. Eventually time healed me enough to find someone new, and I fell in love with him. Its not the same love I had then but it’s far more than I thought I could. Now my ex is back pouring his heart out to me trying to give and get closure. I think he actually is trying to win me back instead. He says that he wishes he had said what he wants to say now back then so I’d be with him today. But its just too little too late… love isn’t a game. If our closure chat was even a year earlier today I would be with him

  99. I met the most wonderful caring man that came into my life when I felt just lost. Our life was perfect, we loved each other in a matter of weeks , we couldn’t be apart at all. At night if he wasn’t there I would wake up short of breath. Looking back maybe it was to soon , he was only 20 I was 23. We broke up 2 years in because he said he was scared to love someone so much and find his soulmate at 22. I was heartbroken I couldn’t sleep , eat or even go to work then 2 weeks later he took me back and said he’d made a mistake. Once again all was perfect, my world turned again , it had colour . Then once again after another year passed us by he left me saying he wasn’t ready for this to be his last relationship. Once again I’m heartbroken I only want him no one else, he keeps calling and saying he wants me in his life as friends but I’m not sure anymore . How can I get closure if I still hold hope he’ll rescue me again from my misery? Can relationships be ok the third time around or am I fooling myself? All I hear is how you never forget your one true love but I don’t wanna forget , a part of me knows he knows I’m the only women for him, to make matters worse he has aspergers ( a slight form of it ) and I’ve done a lot of reading on it so maybe this is what confuses him so ? I’m completly helpless 🙁

  100. my x wanted to end the relationship because he doesnt want to hurt me further. he admits his feelings werent as strong as my feelings towards him. there are many other reasons on why he wants to break up too. however, he said he still wants me in his life meaning remains friends but i refused. so he said “with the greatest respect and wishes” and “wish the best for you and farewel” what does it means? he said it means see you at some time. im confused. i dont want to cut him out of my life but im doing it because it’s best for us.

  101. I met someone when I turned 19, he was my first love. I didn’t really like him at first, but the more time we spent together, the more I fell in love with him. I loved him so much that I didn’t want to hurt him, I guess I got my wish, he hurt me instead. We had a long distance relationship, visited back and forth, went on vacation together, I love him dearly. He just stopped calling and that was that. I emailed, phoned and wrote, I did all that I could possibly do to reach out to him. The only thing I didn’t do was go out there to him, and he knew I couldn’t. It has been over 10 years now and I still wonder why, I really despise the feeling of not knowing. I always wonder how the person you adore and love and share mutual feelings can do something like this, how can they live with themselves like nothing never happened? How can you wipe someone out of your life and just move on. Now I found him on facebook, sent him “friend request” didn’t even accept. He left me for a single mom with kids and now they have their own family. I have moved on, I have my own family as well, I love my husband dearly but I still wonder what happened. I sometimes wish I could walk up to his face and all I want to ask is why? I wish I can erase that part of my life and enjoy my beautiful family without pain and sadness in my heart. Stop hurting people out there, why can’t we just say how we feel?

  102. Myble…

    I feel for you and had the same situation. I am also 50ish. I reconnected with a teenage crush via facebook and had a tumultuous 2 yrs.We are both divorced. The first summer we began seeing eachother, many plans were broken, cancelled whatever however this guy would call and text me at least 20 x a day. I learned after that summer he was seeing a younger married woman. It ended. By that October, we were on again and things seemed good- he met my kids, called all the time but after some nasty defensive behavior , I learned once again, he was with that same person- we fell apart Jan of 11.By April of that year, he reached out to me saying she had gotten too dependent on him, he was disenchanted and it was over- so once again, we went away for the weekend and it began again.I could tell once again a month later when he kept blowing me off, she was back. Don’t ask me why but by July 2011 we had gotten together again and going strong for 7 months. He would call and txt me daily , spent every weekend at my home, met my family several times. He ended up being my best friend. Not sure how it happened but he missed a night, which was no biggie but the next day exhibited weird behavior, tried to cancel upcpming plans saying he could ot coem to my home as my daughter was sick 3 days before and it may be infected, so I went to his home- I gave him a belated small token for valentines day( a small cheap gift and card)- he freaked out and said our relationship was over because I don’t listen and we were NOT supposed to exchange gifts, I was dumbfounded! That’s no reason to dump someone..I had a strange feeling, and I learned in a few days that the married woman had left her husband and had reached out to him months prior and was calling all the time- they had sex onbe night and that was the reason he was so rude to me the following day. I know there’s no right way to hurt someone but he insisted he was never in contact with her, and that I was nuts and possesive,I guess I just kept calling and texting expecting an apology which here it s a month later and I never got one. It just upsets me that he kept going back to the same woman, I probably would have gotten over this faster if he was playing the field and met someone new but it’s always her..the min she reaches out- he goes running to her. It just happened so quickly- one night we were ont he phone for 2 hrs- th next nght he doesn’t call and when he does, he’s rude, and a total stranger lookingor an excuse to get rid of me!It’s always easy to say move on when you’re with someone else as he is, but I am alone and that’s all I think about

  103. I am in my 50’s and doing “online” dating. I met this guy – we hit it off immediately, went out 2-3 times a week for about 3 weeks. He told me repeatedly how crazy he was about me, he would text and email me multiple times a day to send me “kisses” or tell me he was thinking of me. One evening he told me he thought “I was the one, the one god had meant for him”. Then the next morning he texted me and said he didn’t want to see me again – AND he didn’t want to talk about it. I was upset. About 10 days later he texted me asking how an ill member of my family was doing. I replied. The texts went back and forth and we ended up talking over the phone for an hour and a half (not about us), we laughed the whole time – had a great time. Then he asked me out for dinner and to talk about what happened to “us” the following evening. Again, a wonderful evening. He told me the reason he broke up was because an ex-fiancé had told him she wanted him back, that I had never done anything wrong. He wasn’t interested in the ex, but it was messing with his head. I could understand that, he also asked me out for the following day. That turned out to be another fantastic day (Sunday), told me how much he really cared for me, that he had missed me, that he wanted to date again if I would consider it. On Monday I didn’t hear from him – figured he was busy. I texted him in the evening asking how his day went and he replied he had been very busy and was tired. We didn’t speak further that evening. The next morning I sent him an email saying I realized he was dealing with some heavy issues right now (his elderly mother was also ill), and that it was fine with me if he wanted to go “slowly”, as I didn’t want our relationship to be another burden on him. That I would totally leave it up to him to decide how frequently he wanted to get together. (My goal here was reaching out to him because I knew he was in emotional pain, I thought I was being caring). Tuesday, he sent me a good morning text then no word from him. Tuesday night I met a friend (female) out for a couple of tacos after work. While I was there he sent me a email that said: “Wow, I can’t believe you don’t want to see me for the next few weeks, seriously? Thats it, I’m done. Don’t try to contact me cause I’ll block you. There is something seriously wrong with you”. I showed my friend his email and the email that i had sent him and we both were absolutely floored. How could he have so misconstrued my email to him? I was hurt and pissed off. So I went over to his house to try to talk to him and tell him I had NOT tried to break up with him! (My girlfriend also said “you should go talk to him in person”). So I was at his apartment for about 12 minutes. I could see lights on, and see him moving through the blinds, but he wouldn’t answer the door (it has a peephole, so he could see it was me). I wasn’t loud, i just knocked lightly. I also texted him, and tried to call him the few minutes I was there. Finally he answered with “if you don’t leave in 2 minutes I am calling the police”. Well now I was really upset, and I sent him one last text asking for 2 minutes of his time to try to explain things. No answer, so I left. But my hands were shaking so it took me about 3 minutes to type that text. I then got in my car and drove home. The police contacted me by phone as I was pulling into my driveway. They asked if I knew why they were calling – I said yes, and that he had asked me to leave by text, and I left. They said I didn’t do anything wrong but if I tried to contact him again he could potentially have reasons to file a harassment charge. That my boyfriend might want to contact me after things died down, and if he did then it was perfectly fine for me to reply to him. SERIOUSLY? He called the police on me for being at his door for 12 minutes? For the love of God… I told the policeman he could assure the guy that would not happen, I would never try to contact him again. And I haven’t, nor will I ever, ever want to have anything to do with him again. But honestly, is it so rare that people want to talk to someone in person after a “text” or “email” breakup? And is going to their home ONE TIME unannounced “stalking”? I should have not gotten involved with him again after the first time he broke it off with me. I did learn a lesson though… I will NEVER show up at a guys home unannounced again (nor have I in the past). But this online dating stuff is just so impersonal! Interesting find though: after asking several friends what they would have done in the same circumstance. All the women said they would have gone over to the guys house to try to talk to him (these women are all age ranges). All of the guys said “there is no way I would have gone to her house unannounced”. So maybe closure is something women need more then men? Ugh… I am still embarrassed that the police called me!

  104. I did have a closure with best friend.We werent together.I did expect it to end this way because he wasnt good to me like before.He didnt ask about me or care if i missed college for example.We used to always have fights regarding why he doesnt show the care he shows for his other girl friends.He always assumed im insecure.We ended our relationship via the phone.He said we could still be friends but not close friends.The last phrase caused me soo much pain that i am still in denial and i still try make things better between us but i knw it wont get any better

  105. @ SARAH,
    We all have our own perspective, that is what makes us individuals, seeing how you are thru his eyes is fair, IF he is willing to see things through your eyes also. He says really mean things, so does Perez hilton, people usually say the meanest things to those they love, but that does not mean it is okay. You should look forward to what will come your way, he is a strong, honest, capable and faithful man and having him propose and offer you a chance at a new life is great, accept his proposal and start a new life, forget the mean things he said, he probably meant it to help you grow into a better person. To become as perfect as he is in his mind. Just because someone in another country is starving and drinking disease infested water, does not take validity from your own pain and troubles. cancer effects people rich or poor, so if you happen to have better financial circumstances, does not mean your pain is any less important. Goodluck in your marriage


  107. HELP!
    I was with my ex bf/finance for 4 years and we broke up for the dumbest reason ever and sadly 1 month later he ended up gettin a new gf. So overall its been 9months since things ended and he’s been in a relationship for 8months now :/…it sucks so bad and we have not said one word to eachother in those 9months. I recently have been seeing him around town and its killing me cause I never got closure. I feel like approaching him but I’m scared that he might think I’m stupid for still thinking about it. Idk what I should do

  108. I just received closure that was long over due for a relationship I was in. I was madly in love with this man, completely and totally head over heels in love. I would have died for this person but it did not work out. We ended up in a long distance relationship and were torn apart. Over the past five years we have kept in touch and talked about how great we were and how much we care for one another. We spoke about getting back together and even at one point did. After I graduated college we stopped talking a bit then around Thanksgiving of that year he came to see me. It was awesome, I thought we were finally on the up and up. In Jan. 2012 I found out he was married, he had gotten married in June 2011! I was destroyed. How could he do this to me and her?! I finally flipped out and told his wife, I told her everything that happened though my whole involvement with him. And at first she was mad but later she apologized, she had never realized that she was originally the other woman. I have finally come to accept it and it feels like a complete weight was lifted off me. I am sorry for his wife about what happened but I could no live with it anymore, I had to let her know that he was screwing us over. I hope she ends up happy and eventually with someone who is much better than he is.

  109. My story may seem a little odd. I re-connected with my first love after 25 years. I never got married or had any children always thinking that one day we would be re-united. We dated from 17 to 20 years of age and she broke off more than once but always wanted to come back after about 1 month. Even had an affair with my best frined at the time. I had not heard from her for 2 years after the final breakup and she called me out of the blue to tell me she was getting married. Well, 25 years later, I find her on facebook, send her a message and we hook up for dinner 3 months later ( I was sort of nervous to see her again ) We started a relationship, and because of her super busy schedule, I got to see her maybe once or twice a week, but always had this knot like feeling in my stomach. She is a chartered accountant but has also become a healer, a tarot card reader and claims to be a witch and says she sees spirits( bad ones) attached to me. I am a simple man, live in the moment as much as possible and love to create ( I am a full time artist in the public metal sculpture field). after a year and a half of dating, her telling me I am the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with, she started to not answer her phone or respond to me emails anymore. I surprised her one evening by showing up at her place un expected which ihad never done before. Her place was a mess, smelled of old cat litter, stuuf everywhere and she invited me in, like she was happy to see me. Asked me if i wanted to spend the night. A friend had driven me 70km out to her place, so I told him she wanted me to stay and he left. When I got into the house, she told me she was sick all week at work. I asked her what the trouble was, she said it was me . She said that everytime we had sex, she was sick for several days afterward because the light in her came into me, but the dark from me went into her and made her sick, and for that reason she could not have sex with me anymore and made me sleep in a separate room that night. I called my friend up a 2 am to come and pick me up and he did, thank God. I have not heard from her since and it has been 2 weeks and to tell you I had no real closer but believe these words ” Narcissistic people” and look it up and it might help you to heal. I am on my way to a quick recovery because the further away I am from her, the safer I feel. I called her ex husband and he told me she took their then 6 year old daughter to an exorcist to have the demons exercised from her and the 14 year old is still traumatised to this day. And her poor ex, made him sleep with garlic under his pillow for 7 years and had him throw out all of his belongings and their daughters toys claiming they had evil spirits attached to them. Thank the good lord.


  110. I don’t completely understand how I messed things up, but I understand that I only see through my own perspective. I’m trying to see our relationship and myself through his eyes, but don’t know where to start. I don’t know whether to feel free, and relish in the possibility of where I will go and what I will do, and finally enjoy the interests that I had set aside, or feel sad for the man who proposed to me, and made me think about having children that looked just like him. I suppose in the larger picture, there are hungry, scared people around the world that would love to have my problems, and its not as if we invented some new scenario. It’s just that to me, I’d started to look at the world with him. It was nice having such a good friend, better than I’d ever had, for the last few years. I will stand by saying that he says really mean things, though. All in all, I wish him happiness and a good wife in someone else.

  111. ive been involved with ths guy for over 10 years. i have been thru a lot with him. Although we never really committed to one another he always had my heart frm day one. We lost touch for two yrs then he came looking for me and we reconnected n it was wonderful. i told him ive loved him frm day one and that even tho we lost touch he never left my thoughts. so it sounds like a happy ending right? wrong its been one year we reconnected and im jst not sure if he can truely give me wut im looking for. but at the same time i love him with everything i me. so much that it hurts deep down n my soul to think that maybe i have to set him free if he doesnt want the same the same thing i do? hes the first thing on my mind when i wake n the last thing before i close my eyes. i just dont kno exactly how he feels and its slowly killing me. i just need to kno becuz only then can i begin the process of letting go. until thn my heart is so heavy and i feel so vulnerable n weak. there r days whn ive tried to tell myself to move on thn he does or says something that makes me realize y i continue to hold on. So tell mr how do u let go of the one u have loved for so long bt never really had. i kno my answer is in that same sentence bt my heart just wont let go????

  112. Heather.

    I know how you feel. I am going through the same thing… Always doing the thing the other partner wants because we love them, giving things up to make them happy again 🙁
    Truth is, that person themselves are the clingy individual. Let me tell you something…. You’re beautiful, you are so special. You are a stunning person in mind , body and you know why… Because you know how to love someone! I have been so devastated the passed few months, the women I chose to marry , have children with and bought a house with just upped and left me. What’s worse is she is my manager… I have now found out it’s due to a string of affairs she has been having…with other people at work. I gave up so much for her and still love her to this day…but we just were not right together. It hurts so much… I’m healing, and now understand I WILL get better. I have goals, a new job, I keep myself so busy but I don’t suppress my pain because pain is healthy and it will pass.
    What I’m saying is, ride the pain, really feel it. Cry regular but the way to heal is to remove he problem. Lose every memory of him, if you like box up all those photos, don’t wear the cloths he bought you, remove all visual items of him. Today I went sailing, I throw alot in the sea… It really helped.
    Treat yourself often but don’t become selfish, if you believe in God, take a moment to be near him, history says God is close to the broken hearted, his heart was broken often by others. He/it will give happiness over and over again sooner than you think…
    Keep yourself healthy, take walks in the sun, help other people and be concerned for the people that love you, not the people that hurt you. The road is a tough walk, but I promise you will be a phoenix from the flame my friend.
    It’s hard, I’m feeling it too

  113. Devasted after break-up

    My ex, who i was with for 7 years, half of which was an engagement, recently ended things without any reason. He moved out with no warning and moved back in with his parents. I was shocked and devasted. Although he insisted that we were fine and he only moved out to have a little time to fix himself and his attitude, less than a month after he moved out he broke up with me. I continued to try to fix things and after 2 weeks back together he broke up with me a second time, by text message! Now he refuses to talk to me. On the one occasion that we did speak he would only say that he wasn’t happy and it, our relationship, “just didn’t last as long as either of us expected”.

    I don’t know what to do now. I realize now that he was emotionally abusive and I have no way of getting closure. I don’t believe the abuse was ever intentional. We both grew up in emotionally abusive homes and don’t know how to behave healthily in relationships. I’m considering trying to get him to meet me so I can confront him about the abuse and let him know how hurtful it really was but I’m not sure if I should. He also told me that at the end it felt like he was dating himself and that I only went along with whatever he wanted because it was what made him happy. He was right but I know now it was the result of the emotional abuse, I did what he wanted to avoid confrontation and criticism.

    Is there anyone who can help me? I feel so lost, rejected and worthless now.

  114. My story is about a rollercoaster relationship that somehow always got stronger each time. It started in 9th grade when he asked me to the dance. I went with friends and he joined me there. Apparently, his family was gone for the weekend, he was supposed to go but ended up wanting to go to the dance with me. Lots happened in between…. we were from 2 different worlds. He was cool and I was artsy. He ended up in a boarding school and I stayed in Connecticut. Summer came and went and we saw each other on and off. EAch encounter was special and no Rocky roads…until one summer night when he was supposed to pick me up and never did. I walked about 7 miles home, crying until I got sick. A year later we met up again at a concert. WE talket and then that was it. We both were going off to college so we knew that this was not going anywhere. Until he came to say good bye to me and promised to contact me once he was at school. He did. I was in Boston and he was in Bethlehem. Far away from each other….he called me every morning and I called him every night….letters came weekly…romantic, creative and füll of emotions…. we would meet in Connecticut when we could….this one October weekend was so special…. we had gone on a walk in a park…he gathered leaves together, so we could lay there looking at the sparkling fall day together…eh said that one day he was going to build me a house in the Woods, where no one could find us or hurt us…. i was confused but found it to be romantic….it made me fall in love with him even more…2 weeks later we returned home to find out he had cancer….tumor in his eye…he dient want to see me after that and sent me a cold card stating he had no time to see me over christmas break… i was a mess. My whole world fell apart….i gained weight and my emotions took over everything…3 months after his operation, he called and asked to see me….he missed me. So I drive the 8 hours to see him, with no money in my pockets, I arrived and he and I fell into each other arms…he is the love of my life…and I am assuming I was his….I had my doubts though…about a handsome guy in college….being faithful…come on… we were 18 going on 19….i began to feel that being there with him was the most important thing for me….but what about next week… were we going to go back to this long distance much had happened until then…I lied about what happened to us to all the people at school…. I could not have sex with him…because of my weight gain….because I was not sure why he really wanted me there….he was frustratedand of course I did not know how to communicate with him…. no one ever loved me before….i left…we both cried…but i knew he needed someone healthy….and a chance to be at school with other girls…and have fun…that i was only a bürden…..i needed him….and i really loved him…that much. going back was hard….and i never stopped suffering the loss of him….but i had to move i did… I left Boston and moved to DC. about 18 months later… he contacted me…. so i called his home… his mom gave me a number to call…i did..he asked if he could call me that night…and he did…we talket for hours….and he asked if he could call the next day…i agreed….then the most amazing thing ever happened….he arrived at my building the next day….6 hours in the car. i was so shocked that i did not know what to do…. i told the woman at the front desk…this is the man of my dreams….i looked at him…we went up in the Elevator…to my apartment…and i did not know how to act…what am i supposed to do…so i offered to show him around the city..( how stupid was I …off with the shirt…sex and no thinking…. would have been the right thing to do) WE came home, i cooked…he was not crazy about the food…maybe he was nervous. i suggested we go for a walk. we did. and that is when it happened…the door to our emotional past opened up…we talket and explained…and worked on us… he kissed me with so much passion….and I was never happier. He took me to an emotional place, I have never shared with anyone else, in my life. All that mattered at that point was us. He stopped to say…my parents think that we are too young to feel this way about eachother…. he said it but i did not listen, closer. That night we made love to each other….our first real time…yup….i think too much…and i let my mind take over… from the time we left the park downstairs to the time we ended up in bed…all these thoughts of him maybe having had another woman…took over…why was he here..what was going to happen…..the next day we got up..happy..both of us.. we went to his car….he looked at me and said…everything is going to be ok…dont worry….we kissed and he drov e off… i never heard from him again….30 years later….he is still on my mind…there isnt a day that goes by that i do not think of him….. and there is more… help

  115. It’s hard, really hard in fact….
    I put my life savings on saying that part of the ‘move on’ is meeting another person…
    The injured party suffers the most with letting go. Sadly I’m the injured party at the moment and I don’t want to let go of my beautiful ex partner whom I still adore – but shes happy and with another man, not interested in me at all…. Strange hey? Why do I want someone who only hurts me…. Hope these feelings change soon

  116. The only closure I could get at 30, is when I finally decided to meet my married ex gf after 7 years of her trying to get us together for a dinner. Although she had alot more in mind, even after living abroad, married to a good man, having a beautiful daughter, what not, I managed to limit the amount of physical intimacy, by being conscious and as clever as possible. There’s just something strange about that number 7. For seven years, she called, emailed, begging subtly for a meet which I always turned down, simply because she had another man. But the more I tried, the harder it got and we finally met, for a very memorable night, yet not without it’s issues.

    We were childhood sweethearts, grew up together, always loved each other, witnessed the death of a parent each, fought for each other, stood back to back, defying family to split. At 23, I took off, having suffered depression, loss of focus, all kinds of troubles. We could never understand why we split, although I admit, she gave her all to keep the relationship together. She tried everything, until a point where she gave up. What we had, well, I don’t think I can ever be that lucky again. To this day, she manifests in my dreams, sometimes in other family members who were close to her, mom and bro especially. She admits she’s always thinking about me, anywhere, everywhere, with her husband. It’s terrible in many ways, for years I told her to get over it, but she could not and made our meeting her top priority. She said she got her closure the next day and was ready to move on, at last but she did call a half a dozen times more for a few more days, till I left town.

    I’m really hoping to God, she has moved on, although the issues in her marriage, well…….

    But I do hope and pray for her. Don’t want to be in the middle of affairs, hurt children, shattered husbands. Not my thing, never will be.

    Have to admit that life is much, much harder than we really know. The things we strive to stay away from, hit us hardest, when we least expect it. Saying no, quite clearly, is a challenge, even if that means trying not to break a long, lost love’s heart at the cost of your own and her husband’s. She was the most loving woman I could have met on this planet, and I mean that with every fiber in my being.

    Love to all women out there

  117. I am over 40 and I thought people my age didn’t behave this way, I’ve been seeing a man for a year who suddenly stopped speaking to me 3 weeks ago then made his split with me offical via facebook! I was completely devesated that he didn’t have enough respect to tell me this directly or even call me on the phone. It is so cowardly to use social media to hurt someone like this and make no mistake when you do something like this it’s your intent to hurt the other person.

  118. I was in a relationship for 1 1/2 years which was pretty shaky. We had some great times but also not so great times. We always had a problem communicating and honestly never told each other how we felt. The end of our relationship was due to a misunderstanding which I yelled at her. We didn’t talk for a week and then she broke up with me over email. She said that she can’t put it into words but needs to move on. The problem is is that we work together and I still haven’t had any closure. It has been almost 2 months and we still have yet to talk to each other at work. I finally sent her a letter which told her how I felt about her but I except the breakup and acknowledged everything that I did wrong in the relationship. She still can’t talk to any of our mutual friends about the breakup. I still feel like there is no closure but since I sent the letter I’ve been able to start moving on. I have no clue even if she has read the letter. Last week she confronted me and told me not to give any of her stuff back for a couple months. I had never seen her act this way with me. It’s like I don’t even know her. The problem is is that we work together and will be spending a lot of time in the same area. I guess I just have to take care of myself but I still feel if we actually had a mature conversation about our relationship we could eventually reconcile and rekindle our love. I just wait patiently for the time

  119. Me and my ex “broke up” about a week ago after over a year of being together. We had broken up a few days before then, and we got back together. I felt like I didn’t feel the same, but I was wrong. We had gotten into a fight and I told him that I would text him later. We didn’t talk for that next few days. So, I just figured he didn’t want to be with me, cause he changed his relationship status on Facebook as ‘single’. Then I text him yesterday and told him I wanted my stuff by Friday. He told me I would have to wait, because he and this girl had a date. They had been talking all throughout our relationship, and once he was free, he went straight to her. I keep blaming her, but really they’re both to blame. I still love him so much and I don’t know what to do… I never knew he was like that. He told me that he wished he never told me he loved me. How is that supposed to make me feel. I know he’s just trying to hurt me, because I hurt him, but I never would’ve done what he has done to me. He bought me this necklace for Christmas, and he wanted it back to give to her. I keep trying to be okay with it, but I’m not. We never even officially broke up. I don’t understand what I’m feeling, though… I don’t know if I feel jealousy towards her, anger towards him, hurt by it all, or is it all of the above. I really need some advice on how to let him go. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

  120. I have been ‘seeing’ this guy for just over a year. He told me when we first met that he didnt want a ‘relationship’, which i was ok with, but neither of us ever intended it to last more than a couple of weeks. As we kept catching up, i think some complex feelings developed but he was still adamant that he didnt want a relationship but still wants to continue seeing me. I always assumed that he would kiss/sleep with other girls when he went out, but not actually knowing wether it happened or not, i was fine with. Anyway a few weeks ago, we were both at the same night club, and he kissed another girl infront of me. Obviously i was upset, he apologised and we moved on from it like nothing happened. Then again, 2 weeks ago he does the same thing. This time i called him up on it, understanding he is not interested in anything serious, but still his actions were so disrespectful and embarassing and i couldnt put up with it. He told me ‘thats what he enjoys doing, its how he has fun and he has no intention of changing’. If this wasnt enough of a sign that he doesnt care about me, i dont know what is. Anyway i continued to see him, then 2 days ago we were at the same place, and again he started kissing other girls. I got ridiculously drunk, started doing the same thing and just made an absolute fool of myself in front of him and his friends. I have absolutely no memory of the night but at the end of the night i went outside to find him, and i found him on the beach with another girl. I went home at this stage and jsut broke down. The next day he sent me a message saying ‘we have had a good run and he has enjoyed his time with me, but what he has been doing is unfair on me and we cant keep continuing to do it. he hopes we can still consider eachother friends, and for the record he didnt have sex on the beach nor did he intend to, and hes sorry for upsetting me’…. I have no idea what to do now. I know i need to move on, and i know i can, but its more the thought of him being with any other girl that upsets me, i dont want him to have what he has with me, with any other girl. And i stilll just want to be with him and put up with all that, because i dont want a relationship either but i cant not have him in my life. and i cant just be his friends. Any advice would be amazing!

  121. It has been comforting to know that I am not the only one that feels hurt since my closure with my ex-girlfriend never materilize except with a “Dear John” letter and a failed one on one goodbye. It is okay to feel these feelings as long as I recognize it and use coping mechanisms to deal with it. I am sorry that each and everyone of you has been or still is feeling hurt. After 25 years not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. Met her in high school and I went into the military since i couldn’t afford college. Made a miracle deal in technical school and got stationed one state away from my ex. She wanted to get married and since I asked to wait until I got an education and a good job so I can support a family. I definitely was not a romantic type of individual and didn’t know how to make her feel special, especially lacked good writing skills. But every opportunity I had to be home with her I went. When the pressure got real high for permanent commitment I continued taking 3 college courses every semester since I worked at a power plant at night for the military active duty. Four months before I was going to get out, taking 3 college classes, and acquiring a state boiler’s license, studying for below the zone rank promotion board she gave me the “Dear John Letter” and I have been devastated ever since. I did everything wrong after that but was able to at least keep my composure to keep my career on track and now I have a great family-wife from college and three children. Unfortunately, I haven’t smiled since and I have done the positive things keeping super duper busy and accomplished many things to keep my mind off of her but I slip every oncce in a while and still grieving.

  122. I was left 4 months ago by a fiance of four years. I was told he wasnt happy anymore and wanted at 34 years old to get closer with his fmaily. I ignored lies and cheating once when it was early on, i forgave him. he seemed to have changed and we spent so much time together there wasnt time for him to do anything else with anyone. Then he started working nights and well hooked back up talking to an old female friend from HS and calling texting each other when i wasnt home or he wasnt. I asked why and he said to get advice about us. She didnt even know me! I knew then something was going on. I have no clue if he cheated on me before he left I have no way of knowing. I do know after he left that same week he was paying for a motel telling me he didnt want to sleep at his parents. Since then he has wanted to be friends again and honestly we have gone places and i do go over to see him and there is stil intimacy between us. I want to let him go I want to get revenge i want to see him upset like i am but most of all I want to forget this feeling that since i let him do things it all i deserve and will forever find ppl like him or be alone. I am scared and sad and hurt. I have seen his sites online he is signed up on for things and dating, i have asked him about it and all i get was i am not anymore over and over. then its i want to rebuild us to regain what we had then its just friends and we will see. he doesnt even let his family know we are tlaking still or trying as friends. he is 34 i am 38. what is wrong with him but most of all why am i letting him do this to me? I am so afraid to be alone and be with myself. I just do not know why I cant let him go and stop the hurt and sadness and just try for once in my life to live for me and not others and take care of me. I am taking these tips and going to hope i can pull myself through this. thank you

  123. i guess it is like “i’m not good enough?” – i keep blaming myself even though i know that this is not the way to go. i have this huge hankering for the old times, but this is not a possibility.

    i knew my marriage was over before it finally hit rock bottom and i’m very disappointed that my husband (huh!) had so little integrity that he brought the girl to be with my kids and in my home when I was abroad. I’m very disappointed. she took my hubby and now he’s allowing her into my home and befriend my kids when i’m not there? pardon me but WTH!

    so i figure we can just let it go. i’m going for counselling next week or so but i guess it’s not gonna be an easy affair.

    i hope to be divorced soon, as silly as it sounds. it’s less stressful than finding that your husband – who has the image of a saint – is sneaking behind your back. he not only lacks courage, but more importantly he is showing our sons that he has no integrity whatsoever.

    and it’s sad, because i’ve known him since 1991 – or at least i thought so.

  124. I have been with my ex for three in a half years. I loved him very much, he was my first love. We have been on and off, but we stayed strong and it seem to me as if it was getting better and better.:) Until something happened dumb fight, where he did not want to be with me anymore and he was dealing with alot of stress. He left me and months later he wanted to be with me again, I said no I was not ready yet. We were doing well giving each other space and beginning as new journey with each other. When I was ready to be with him, he said no. From that point on I have not heard from him. I tried contacting him. But i have not got any response from him. I am hurting so much. I didnt get no explanation, nothing. He left and that was it. He could not even talk to me face to face. Its been four months. Ive heard from his friends thats he has been busy with work. I cant let it go, and its so hard on me. I trusted someoneso much and how can someone not talk to me and let me know why..and just leave me as if I was not meant anything to them, especially when we were doing soooo well!

  125. I sort of had a relationship with a girl…what I mean is, I thought she was the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, and she still is, but, she is a year (now 2 years) ahead of me in school, so she graduated a year before I did. I wasn’t able to go to her graduation, so I never really got closure on our “relationship”
    We had talked before she graduated. not the day of graduating, or the day before, but years prior, and within the year she graduated (high school stuff, you know.) She was there for 3 years, and the only reason I kept going to school. I’ve made mistakes with her…a lot of mistakes…and I want to take them back…but she’s off at college and I have no way of contacting her. I used to have her email, but I’m sure she’s changed it by now. Her friends…well, I don’t think they’ve kept in contact with her. so, I dunno what to do now…I’m a hollow shell of a man that used to have a heart.

  126. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    I have a bit of a different situation. I don’t have any relationship closure with my sister…five years ago, she told me she never wants to speak to me again. She wouldn’t say why. She’d been pulling away for about 2 years before that, shortly after I moved to Africa for a 3 year stint.

    I keep telling myself that she ended our relationship without saying good-bye properly for reasons that are inside of her. It’s not about me; I did nothing to deserve being cut out of her life that way! I wasn’t a perfect sister, but I did not deserve to be treated like that.

    So, not having relationship closure doesn’t just affect breakups of love relationships…it’s family stuff, too. It hurts just as bad. Maybe more, because family isn’t supposed to leave you forever.

  127. Yes Laurie, I think that is the toughest part. Not knowing why. Not having a reason from the other side on why they left, or why they estranged themselves. I was left and not told why. Even though I asked and confronted. The answer I got was “I have my reasons and I don’t want to talk about it”. Then you lay awake for nights and nights thinking it over and over again, what it could be you have done. If it might have been something you could have changed or avoided. I think that is the toughest part on why we cannot get closure so easily. If someone told you, it’s because my feelings changed and I don’t love you anymore, it would hurt, but eventually you could get past it. But not knowing why just keeps hounting your every thoughts…

    But it’s great to know that we are not the only ones that feel this way. It gives me courage to work on getting past this. 🙂

  128. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    I think relationship closure has to come from within. I’m coping with a very painful family estrangement, and I have to heal without saying good-bye or even knowing the reason for the estrangement. So, I have to create my own relationship closure. It sucks and it’s heartbreaking, but it is what it is.

  129. I agree with you Sam so much. And I feel for you. He didn’t give you the closure you needed, most likely because he was a coward of facing you. But that would have been so important for you. He moved on found himself someone new and lived his life, while you were going through emotional hell. I’ve been there and still am there myself. And I know people tell you move on and be happy again, your ex is not worth it, but no matter what you do, no matter how much you try to keep busy with other things, keep you mind busy the ghosts always catch up on you and it all comes back in a second. Just wanted to shout out, you are not alone and I wish you all the strength you need to finally get that closure for yourself.

  130. I do not have closure at this moment, and I found out that he is seeing someone else, so I must move on. Whether he was with this girl when we were involved is irrelevant, he is with her and not me and I never will be with him. I did everything I could to be there for him and I will always remember our late night phone calls and texting sessions until the other one fell asleep. I am really confused and disappointed. I have to let the confusion go and accept him for who he is: someone I thought he wasn’t.

    He used me and it sucks. But I ended it and he is gone and he can’t use me anymore. I was miserable when I was with him because of the uncertainty and doubt. Right now I am pretty emotionally damaged and slowly learning to trust men again and looking to date.

  131. It’s so hard to move on without closure. I am going through a hard time right now exactly because of that. My ex and I never really broke up. At the time I just didn’t feel ready for a relationship but I truly liked him. We just drifted apart, he went on a trip , I went on a trip, there were some failed communication attempts and them before I knew it it was over. But I never really got to feel it was. So several months passed by and I still have this unease feeling when I think about him. A few days ago I found out he just got married and that was very hard. Since then I have done anything to get over it and move on but it’s hard. I have cried, allowed myself to be depressed and just be sad for a while; I have done the whole ritual and just finished writing him a letter that I might not send it. I just needed to vent. I got rid of everything that reminds me of him. But still I fill like I never got the closure I needed. I think I will only really get over it after I meet someone I really like again. Thanks for the article though.

  132. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thanks for your comments, Ally.

    I agree that proper relationship closure is the best way to heal after a breakup…but unfortunately, closure isn’t something that all couples get when they split.

    Hope to see you in these parts again!

  133. I believe that proper closure should be done when couples decide to separate. More than a healthy move, it aids both of them in letting go and moving on. It also helps them learn lessons which they can apply or avoid in future relationships. Great tips you have there Laurie. I’m sure couples will find these useful. Thanks!