Breaking up was the right thing to do, but your heart aches. Here’s how to get through a breakup when you’re still in love with him, you miss him, and you wish your relationship could have turned out differently…
“I broke up with my boyfriend of six years, and I know it was the right thing to do,” says Adelle on 6 Things You Need to Know About Uncoupling After a Breakup. “I had started to emotionally detach from him about a month before the actual breakup. But still, I’m finding it hard to go through this. I’m surprised that the breakup is so painful, especially since I’m not still in love with him. I love him but I know I’m not in love with him, if that makes sense. I think I just miss the idea of being in a relationship with him because he was a great guy. And what if I don’t find someone else? My struggle is learning how to get through a breakup when love is still alive, and not being scared of the future.”
Getting through a breakup it is never easy – even when you know breaking up is better than staying together. We were created to love and be loved. We were meant to be in relationship with each other. Being alone isn’t natural, even for people like me who are introverted and who prefer to be alone most of the time! I love spending my days writing and blogging alone… and I love when my husband comes home at the end of the day.
You are normal if you’re wondering how to get through a breakup when you’re still in love. Your feelings of sadness, regret, and loss are natural – even though you know you have to accept that your relationship is over.
You are not alone.
How to Get Through a Breakup When You’re Still in Love
Have you written about your feelings yet? If you haven’t spent time working through your thoughts and feelings about the relationship and breakup yet, then I encourage you to start writing today. I recommend writing in a private journal. But, many people find it helpful and healing to write online in their own blogs or in the comments section of articles like this.
There is something about writing – especially by hand on paper – that helps you get to your true feelings and thoughts. And that’s one of the best tips on how to get through a breakup, especially when you’re still in love. Get to the heart of the matter, and you will start healing.
Give yourself time, space, and room to breathe
Take time to heal. Getting through a breakup isn’t something that you can do quickly in one day, or overnight, or in one week. You won’t find quick tips for healing after breaking up online or in a book – though books can be incredibly helpful! Books are always my first “go to” places whenever I’m encountering a new problem or situation in my life.
Take a deep breath. Give yourself space, time, freedom. Unplug. Allow your feelings to untangle themselves. Give your soul room to breathe. Let your body heal from the loss of this relationship. Let your mind accept that this person won’t be a major part of your life anymore. You will get through this breakup if you surrender to this loss.
Just let it be. Just be here, now. Take a deep breath and know that everything will be okay. You will heal, you will get through this breakup, and you will eventually love again.
You have time.
Balance times of quiet healing with bouts of energized activity
“Give yourself time to actively grieve,” writes Lora in In How to Stop Thinking About Your Ex and Get On With Your Life. “You have lost a huge part of your life and it takes time to heal. But at the same time start thinking about who you are going to become. You have lost a piece of your self-identity, and you need to recreate yourself. This can be good news, if you allow yourself to think that way. This breakup can be a massively and hugely positive life changing event for you, if you teach yourself to be strong, positive, and healthy.
At the same time, start thinking about how it would feel if you let go of your pain and grief. What will it feel like to wake up in the morning and not be burdened by grief? If you really want to know how to get through a breakup when you’re still in love with him, think about what would it be like to feel happy, light, and YOURSELF again! It’s time to let go of the pain and pick up the healing.”
One of my favorite things about life with God is the freedom to rest in His will, and the requirement to actually do things to move forward in my life. How does this relate to you, to learning how to get through a breakup when you’re still in love? The idea of balance. After breaking up, the healthiest way to heal is to give yourself time to grieve the end of the relationship and push yourself to get out of your comfort zone.
Be careful what you feed your mind and soul
When I was searching for tips on how to get through a breakup when you’re still in love, I found websites and blogs that were screaming at me.
All that noise, those popups, the big flashing advertisements, the two sentence paragraph broken up by huge photos and pictures of things not related to getting through a breakup after losing someone you love.
There is so much noise on the Internet – even if your laptop or phone is turned off. The noise isn’t just what your ears hear, it’s the flashy splashy pictures and celebrity news and Click Here and Sign Up for This and Watch Me and on and on and on…it’s not healthy, it’s not conducive to healing, and it won’t get you through a breakup when you’re still in love. It may distract you for a time, but it won’t heal you.
Turn off the noise
Instead of searching for answers on Facebook or YouTube or Pinterest or Twitter, turn it all off. The answers you need are already within you. You already know what you can do to get through this breakup. You already know how to heal and recover! There is a still small voice inside you – call it your intuition, call it your gut instincts, call it God – that is so wise. It wants to give you good things, to heal and grow, to be happy and find love again. Your job is to tune in to it and hear what it is saying to you.
You don’t have to stop using the Internet forever or for the afternoon. Just take 30 minutes away from your phone. Take an hour to read a book (even if it’s an ebook on how to get through a breakup when you’re still in love!). Take two hours and go for a hike, a walk in the forest, a stroll down your street. Take your dog for a long hike in the mountains or a romp by the lake. Take your best friend for a walk on the seawall. Turn off NetFlix for an hour, and maybe even all day Saturday or Sunday.
If your relationship isn’t actually over yet, read How to Break Up With Someone You Don’t Love Anymore.
Ask for help getting through a breakup
Stop saying that you’re okay when you’re not okay. Don’t tell your coworkers, family, friends, and neighbors that you are fine. Stop putting up walls and pretending that you know how to get through a breakup when in fact you’re dying on the inside because you’re still in love.
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It feels uncomfortable and even scary to say to somebody, “I need help getting through this breakup.” But if you choose the right person to say this to, you will find help and support that will show you how loved you are. There is nothing to be ashamed of and there is nothing wrong with saying, “I feel lonely and I need to talk. Do you have time to listen?” This is the sign of a brave, courageous, smart woman. Saying, “I feel anxious about the upcoming holidays or birthday because I’m not sure I will be over the breakup by then. I may still feel like I’m in love with him. Do you have any suggestions to help me? What worked for you?”
Choose acceptance over resistance
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned about life is the value of accepting instead of resisting the things that happen to us.
“Resistance of any kind is a major source of stress, negativity, and even depression,” writes Brian Tracy in Kiss That Frog!: 12 Great Ways to Turn Negatives into Positives in Your Life and Work. “The opposite of resistance is acceptance. It is important for you to accept that a change has taken place in your life and then move on.”
Tracy adds that accepting fact as reality is the first step to taking charge of your self and your emotions, getting through the breakup, and moving on to a relationship that is healthier and better for you.
“The inability to get over a bad situation is a major block that holds people back, often for many years,” he writes. “One of the marks of maturity is to accept that you are not perfect, that you make mistakes. You have made bad choices and decisions in the past that have led to bad results and consequences. So has everyone else. So, accept that your relationship is over. Even more importantly, eliminate the words ‘if only’ from your vocabulary. Accept that the breakup has happened and cannot be changed.”
Accept that you still love him…and your love will fade in time. You will get through this breakup, you will heal, and you will be happy and whole again.
Learn how to let go of someone you love
If you really want to survive a broken relationship when you’re still in love, stop distracting yourself from the pain. Instead, go through it until you come to the other side.
I wrote 75 How to Let Go of Someone You Love: 3 Powerful Secrets (and 75 Tips!) for Healing Your Heart because I had to get through a breakup with someone I still love: my sister. She cut me out of her life several years ago, and it was the most painful “breakup” I ever experienced.
To write this ebook, I interviewed life coaches, counselors, and grief coaches on letting go. I know how shocking, confusing, and heart-wrenching it is when you’re letting go of a loved one. It’s devastating – and it changes how you see yourself. Learning how to detach when you’re still in love is about rediscovering your passion and identity.
Going through the pain of a breakup is not for the faint of heart. That’s why we tend to ignore our grief after a relationship ends. We shove the pain down and pretend it doesn’t exist. This may be a short-term way to get through the day – especially with the distraction of the noise of the Internet – but it is deadly in the long run. Unfelt pain will rise up again in the future. It must be felt to be healed.
How are you feeling? Feel free to share your thoughts below on getting through a breakup when you still love him. While I can’t offer advice or help, I do read every comment. I encourage you to respond to other readers’ comments on this or other articles if you feel led, and to share your story. Writing often brings clarity and insight, and can help you process your feelings.
Help Getting Through a Breakup When You’re Still in Love
In Getting Over A Breakup: 75 Easy Steps To Get Over A Breakup, Kate Anderson offers easy to follow steps, broken into three sections, to help you get over the pain of a breakup and to move on with your life. My tips on how to get through a breakup are more emotional and spiritual and practical; if you need practical advice and help, you need Kate’s book.
She shares: tips for dealing with social media, friends and family after breaking up, huge mistakes to avoid, help for getting through the moments of pain and anguish when you still love him, and methods for remembering the good times but never forgetting the bad times, help dealing with being single and alone, and different ways to move on with life.
Necessary Endings by Dr Henry Cloud is one of my favorite books on how to get through a breakup of any type. I love this book because it’s not just about recovering from the end of a romantic relationship; it’s about ending a variety of different relationships without getting stuck in the past.
May you find wisdom and healing, strength and courage. May you give yourself time to heal and get through this breakup in healthy ways. May your love grow more mature, and may this relationship teach you valuable things about life, yourself, and love.
Your thoughts are welcome below! I don't give advice, but you can get free relationship help from marriage coach Mort Fertel.