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How to Get Through a Breakup When You’re Still in Love

Breaking up was the right thing to do, but your heart aches. Here’s how to get through a breakup when you’re still in love with him, you miss him, and you wish your relationship could have turned out differently…

“I broke up with my boyfriend of six years, and I know it was the right thing to do,” says Adelle on 6 Things You Need to Know About Uncoupling After a Breakup. “I had started to emotionally detach from him about a month before the actual breakup. But still, I’m finding it hard to go through this. I’m surprised that the breakup is so painful, especially since I’m not still in love with him. I love him but I know I’m not in love with him, if that makes sense. I think I just miss the idea of being in a relationship with him because he was a great guy. And what if I don’t find someone else? My struggle is learning how to get through a breakup when love is still alive, and not being scared of the future.”

Getting through a breakup it is never easy – even when you know breaking up is better than staying together. We were created to love and be loved. We were meant to be in relationship with each other. Being alone isn’t natural, even for people like me who are introverted and who prefer to be alone most of the time! I love spending my days writing and blogging alone… and I love when my husband comes home at the end of the day.

You are normal if you’re wondering how to get through a breakup when you’re still in love. Your feelings of sadness, regret, and loss are natural – even though you know you have to accept that your relationship is over.

You are not alone.

How to Get Through a Breakup When You’re Still in Love

Have you written about your feelings yet? If you haven’t spent time working through your thoughts and feelings about the relationship and breakup yet, then I encourage you to start writing today. I recommend writing in a private journal. But, many people find it helpful and healing to write online in their own blogs or in the comments section of articles like this.

There is something about writing – especially by hand on paper – that helps you get to your true feelings and thoughts. And that’s one of the best tips on how to get through a breakup, especially when you’re still in love. Get to the heart of the matter, and you will start healing.

Give yourself time, space, and room to breathe

Take time to heal. Getting through a breakup isn’t something that you can do quickly in one day, or overnight, or in one week. You won’t find quick tips for healing after breaking up online or in a book – though books can be incredibly helpful! Books are always my first “go to” places whenever I’m encountering a new problem or situation in my life.

Take a deep breath. Give yourself space, time, freedom. Unplug. Allow your feelings to untangle themselves. Give your soul room to breathe. Let your body heal from the loss of this relationship. Let your mind accept that this person won’t be a major part of your life anymore. You will get through this breakup if you surrender to this loss.

Just let it be. Just be here, now. Take a deep breath and know that everything will be okay. You will heal, you will get through this breakup, and you will eventually love again.

You have time.

Balance times of quiet healing with bouts of energized activity

“Give yourself time to actively grieve,” writes Lora in In How to Stop Thinking About Your Ex and Get On With Your Life. “You have lost a huge part of your life and it takes time to heal. But at the same time start thinking about who you are going to become. You have lost a piece of your self-identity, and you need to recreate yourself. This can be good news, if you allow yourself to think that way. This breakup can be a massively and hugely positive life changing event for you, if you teach yourself to be strong, positive, and healthy.

At the same time, start thinking about how it would feel if you let go of your pain and grief. What will it feel like to wake up in the morning and not be burdened by grief? If you really want to know how to get through a breakup when you’re still in love with him, think about what would it be like to feel happy, light, and YOURSELF again! It’s time to let go of the pain and pick up the healing.”

One of my favorite things about life with God is the freedom to rest in His will, and the requirement to actually do things to move forward in my life. How does this relate to you, to learning how to get through a breakup when you’re still in love? The idea of balance. After breaking up, the healthiest way to heal is to give yourself time to grieve the end of the relationship and push yourself to get out of your comfort zone.

Be careful what you feed your mind and soul

When I was searching for tips on how to get through a breakup when you’re still in love, I found websites and blogs that were screaming at me.

How to Get Through a Breakup When You’re Still in Love

How to Get Through a Breakup When You’re Still in Love

All that noise, those popups, the big flashing advertisements, the two sentence paragraph broken up by huge photos and pictures of things not related to getting through a breakup after losing someone you love.

There is so much noise on the Internet – even if your laptop or phone is turned off. The noise isn’t just what your ears hear, it’s the flashy splashy pictures and celebrity news and Click Here and Sign Up for This and Watch Me and on and on and on…it’s not healthy, it’s not conducive to healing, and it won’t get you through a breakup when you’re still in love. It may distract you for a time, but it won’t heal you.

Turn off the noise

Instead of searching for answers on Facebook or YouTube or Pinterest or Twitter, turn it all off. The answers you need are already within you. You already know what you can do to get through this breakup. You already know how to heal and recover! There is a still small voice inside you – call it your intuition, call it your gut instincts, call it God – that is so wise. It wants to give you good things, to heal and grow, to be happy and find love again. Your job is to tune in to it and hear what it is saying to you.

You don’t have to stop using the Internet forever or for the afternoon. Just take 30 minutes away from your phone. Take an hour to read a book (even if it’s an ebook on how to get through a breakup when you’re still in love!). Take two hours and go for a hike, a walk in the forest, a stroll down your street. Take your dog for a long hike in the mountains or a romp by the lake. Take your best friend for a walk on the seawall. Turn off NetFlix for an hour, and maybe even all day Saturday or Sunday.

If your relationship isn’t actually over yet, read How to Break Up With Someone You Don’t Love Anymore.

Ask for help getting through a breakup

Stop saying that you’re okay when you’re not okay. Don’t tell your coworkers, family, friends, and neighbors that you are fine. Stop putting up walls and pretending that you know how to get through a breakup when in fact you’re dying on the inside because you’re still in love.

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It feels uncomfortable and even scary to say to somebody, “I need help getting through this breakup.” But if you choose the right person to say this to, you will find help and support that will show you how loved you are. There is nothing to be ashamed of and there is nothing wrong with saying, “I feel lonely and I need to talk. Do you have time to listen?” This is the sign of a brave, courageous, smart woman. Saying, “I feel anxious about the upcoming holidays or birthday because I’m not sure I will be over the breakup by then. I may still feel like I’m in love with him. Do you have any suggestions to help me? What worked for you?”

Choose acceptance over resistance

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned about life is the value of accepting instead of resisting the things that happen to us.

how to get through a breakup still in love“Resistance of any kind is a major source of stress, negativity, and even depression,” writes Brian Tracy in Kiss That Frog!: 12 Great Ways to Turn Negatives into Positives in Your Life and Work. “The opposite of resistance is acceptance. It is important for you to accept that a change has taken place in your life and then move on.”

Tracy adds that accepting fact as reality is the first step to taking charge of your self and your emotions, getting through the breakup, and moving on to a relationship that is healthier and better for you.

“The inability to get over a bad situation is a major block that holds people back, often for many years,” he writes. “One of the marks of maturity is to accept that you are not perfect, that you make mistakes. You have made bad choices and decisions in the past that have led to bad results and consequences. So has everyone else. So, accept that your relationship is over. Even more importantly, eliminate the words ‘if only’ from your vocabulary. Accept that the breakup has happened and cannot be changed.”

Accept that you still love him…and your love will fade in time. You will get through this breakup, you will heal, and you will be happy and whole again.

Learn how to let go of someone you love

If you really want to survive a broken relationship when you’re still in love, stop distracting yourself from the pain. Instead, go through it until you come to the other side.

letting go of someone you loveI wrote 75 How to Let Go of Someone You Love: 3 Powerful Secrets (and 75 Tips!) for Healing Your Heart because I had to get through a breakup with someone I still love: my sister. She cut me out of her life several years ago, and it was the most painful “breakup” I ever experienced.

To write this ebook, I interviewed life coaches, counselors, and grief coaches on letting go. I know how shocking, confusing, and heart-wrenching it is when you’re letting go of a loved one. It’s devastating – and it changes how you see yourself. Learning how to detach when you’re still in love is about rediscovering your passion and identity.

Going through the pain of a breakup is not for the faint of heart. That’s why we tend to ignore our grief after a relationship ends. We shove the pain down and pretend it doesn’t exist. This may be a short-term way to get through the day – especially with the distraction of the noise of the Internet – but it is deadly in the long run. Unfelt pain will rise up again in the future. It must be felt to be healed.

How are you feeling? Feel free to share your thoughts below on getting through a breakup when you still love him. While I can’t offer advice or help, I do read every comment. I encourage you to respond to other readers’ comments on this or other articles if you feel led, and to share your story. Writing often brings clarity and insight, and can help you process your feelings.

Help Getting Through a Breakup When You’re Still in Love

How to Get Through a Breakup When You’re Still in LoveIn Getting Over A Breakup: 75 Easy Steps To Get Over A Breakup, Kate Anderson offers easy to follow steps, broken into three sections, to help you get over the pain of a breakup and to move on with your life. My tips on how to get through a breakup are more emotional and spiritual and practical; if you need practical advice and help, you need Kate’s book.

She shares: tips for dealing with social media, friends and family after breaking up, huge mistakes to avoid, help for getting through the moments of pain and anguish when you still love him, and methods for remembering the good times but never forgetting the bad times, help dealing with being single and alone, and different ways to move on with life.

how to uncouple after breaking upNecessary Endings by Dr Henry Cloud is one of my favorite books on how to get through a breakup of any type. I love this book because it’s not just about recovering from the end of a romantic relationship; it’s about ending a variety of different relationships without getting stuck in the past.

Beloved reader,

May you find wisdom and healing, strength and courage. May you give yourself time to heal and get through this breakup in healthy ways. May your love grow more mature, and may this relationship teach you valuable things about life, yourself, and love.



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11 thoughts on “How to Get Through a Breakup When You’re Still in Love”

  1. I would like to say thank you for writing this blog, reading throughly through it helped me to understand it’s okay for a relationship to end if it is no longer healthy for oneself. Reading that it is more beneficial to feel the sadness and release the emotions then to withhold them. I am encouraged to breakdown to move on with happier and positive life for myself.

  2. I am in a huge mess. My marriage is over (together for almost 15 years). The last 6 years we didn’t luve as a couple anymore. A year ago I fell in love with a married coworker… about 5 months ago we started getting closer and this closeness redulted in an emotional affair that became physical 3 months ago (he kissing me and telling me he loved me) and soon evolved to deeper relationship… We had a connection and a chemistry that I didn’t know before and I fell hard for him! Only to be told that he could never give me much more (he also lives his wife and they bought a house few months ago). I am left with a open wound in my heart as I love him dearly and work closely with him every day.. just need to move on and I am not sure how. I need to focus on my children and my own life but I am consumed with thoughts of him. Cannot even pray as I know I sinned so I made my own bed…

  3. First let me start off by saying that I was raised by a single parent, my mom. I had no relationship with my father while I was growing up. He was a void in my life. I am also an only child.

    I met a man, a great guy…I thought. From the time we started initially talking our thoughts connected and aligned. It was so refreshing to meet someone that I thought I was compatible with. It had been almost 6 years since my last relationship, so I thought finally I met someone who gets me.

    Anyway, this man is 6 years older than me and a little wiser in life lessons, understandably so. This man was my boyfriend, but he was also like a father figure in a sense with the advice and input that he provided to me about life. Our relationship lasted less than 3 months because it was a rushed relationship. I allowed him to move-in with me after 1 month because his lease was ending. This was a huge mistake!!!!! Please never do this. It happened at a time when I was feeling lonely and I thought this would be great companionship. Anyway after he moved in the relationship started to quickly decline. He was saying all kinds of good things and talking the talk about marriage and all, but my intuition kept telling me that he was just leading me on. And let’s just say to make this short that I was left feeling as though I was just an opportunity. Ladies please know that it is okay to take your time to get to know someone. If you feel rushed or pressured in any type of way run in the other direction.

    I broke off the relationship and requested that he move out after realizing that this was a huge mistake. I feel a sense of loss because I really did and do care about him. I’ll miss the feeling of knowing that a man was in the house and because of that I could sleep more sound at night. I’ll miss the companionship. I’ll miss having someone to have dinner with from time to time. I’ll miss spending the upcoming holidays with him. You might be asking again why did I break it off and ask him to move out then we’ll the response to that is I can never be disrespected in my own home. He was receiving phone calls from women in the early hours of the morning and then telling me that it wasn’t a woman when I could clearly hear her voice. He would get upset with me for asking him who that was on the phone. He didn’t like being questioned. He wanted me to end business relationship acquaintances such as car mechanic and lawn services because he said that he could take care of those things to save money. Thank goodness I didn’t end those relationships. He also started withholding affection. But without listing everything here I just new that this was not the right relationship for me going forward, but I still think of him often. I hate feeling stuck like this in my feelings. I know that it would not be the right thing to give our relationship a third try. Yes, I broke things off with him after about two months or so and accepted him back within the short time period.

  4. I’m in physical pain. My heart is sore and broken. I can’t eat or sleep. He told me 2 weeks previously how much he loved me and how committed he was.
    He said look in my eyes as I say that I never experienced such acceptance and love and fulfilment.
    Then out of nowhere he dumps me. I was with him 5 years and we were working on a programme that has just started.. He has left me to cope with no explanation. I don’t understand how this beautiful man could be so cruel

  5. Danielle mcdowell bowling

    I am going through a divorce from a man who decided to walk out and basically do it through text messaging, it’s the second time he’s done this, but there’s more to it then just that. He’s extremely wealthy, and I’m accustomed to a certain lifestyle which with him went that too. I’m not shallow and know I will be fine without that, but i wont lie that it’s really bothering me as well. I’m a smart educated woman, I’m fine with going back to work, I just hate feeling like I will miss those types of things when there’s nothing about that of importance in life. But most of all my heart is so sad of the way he has chose to divorce me and never face me or speak to me and the divorce was actually final
    Last week. He says he still loves me and can’t face me because it will cause him to cave. I’m so sad, heartbroken and I just want to get over it all!!!

  6. I am so broken hearted. Lonely, sad, and devastated that my one true love found his way back to me after 40 years. After a 1 yr affair won’t leave his wife because he’s catholic… the priest told him not to tell his wife about the affair and do something nice for her when he thinks of me. That’s when I knew I had to end this relationship. I realized he will never leave her… i cry every day…

  7. Thank you for sharing this article. It is difficult to remember the stages of grief, and that there is an end in sight when trapped in the denial phase. I still can’t believe this happened. When two short months ago we were engaged, and he spoke to me about being his soul mate and being so in love. I have tried so hard to break away, but he still pushes to see me and talk to me. Saying ‘I can’t help but pull you close’ but then leaves abruptly, and says ‘I can’t do this’ it is emotional turmoil to hear the man you love say he can’t help but pull you into his life, then leave over and over again. It’s like the breakup happens everyday all over again. I just don’t know how to handle it when he says he ‘loves me so so so much’ but then turns away from me 10 minutes later and walks out. I have no choice but to see him everyday as we work together, but there has to be a way to get through the pain when your love lost is a few feet away asking to talk to you then says all these emotionally torturous things about being his soul mate and loving you and then turns and walks away saying. I can’t do this…I don’t believe I am alone in this. I have searched hundreds of books and websites on how to tell him to leave me alone and let me heal. I have e en asked him to but he can’t because he says he can’t let me go, but then walks away or walks out and then ignores me for days afterward.

  8. Thank you for sharing this. I’m learning to accept the reality. I’m in sin, I feel quilty but I believed I will be healed soon in Jesus name.

  9. I am pleased to find this web site it has helped me a lot.i lost my husband 4years ago to leukaemia after 39 years of marriage I was lost and devastated by the lost 10 months after a male married Neibour said he would help me I was grateful as was struggling with gardening jobs I knew his wife and he seemed genuine then he started to come along talking and gained my confidence I was really pleased with company and we just talked I was lonely with the loss of my husband I felt as if I had lost one of my arms anyway after 6 months he tried to kiss me I was shocked as I was 9 years his senior And didn’t expect that I backed away and he left them he came along and asked if I would have an affair said to think about it I did think and knew I couldn’t do that he came 2 days later I said no one week later he came to do my garden I was having a bad day and crying thinking of hubby he comforted me still nothing happened and he left .he was just coming all of the time and the inevitable happened I gave in this went on for a year I knew it had to stop but was trapped with him living so near I even watched him with his wife who i new going about having a normal life i new I had to stop it but I now had strong feelings for him anyway I thought the best thing to do was move and start a fresh and get away from this affair he seemed to have no problem that I was living 2 doors away and his wife was on my door step I was jealous seeing them together and racked with guilt I was lonely and he preyed on my loss but I was in deep anyway I moved he wasn’t happy about that before I moved his wife asked where I was moving too I told her address thinking nothing of it id gotten the courage to get away and end it anyway I moved 2 weeks later he knocked on my door and it started all over again but no wife to see him by now he was saying he loved me and I don’t know why I loved him too he was my crutch after loosing my husband I still was in pain and he made me feel better I wasn’t bothered about the sex I just was resomeone to hold me as hubby did this went on for 3. Years twice he stopped coming for a couple of months as his wife was getting suspicious I was devastated and lonely he was my support anyway a bout 2 months ago he said there was a house down road for sale he and his wife were thinking of buying he couldn’t understand why I was upset I think that is when it hit me he said he loved me but he didn’t as wouldn’t have done that as new why I had moved after that my feelings started to change I realised what this Man was like he had no respect for me or his wife I had to stop it 4 weeks ago I told him not to come round anymore and said if I seen him about wouldn’t speak and would drive past him he left I said go home to your wife he went off sulking after he left I felt empowered and knew I should have done it sooner. He has kept away apart from I was going to mums one morning and he knew time I would be passing and he was walking down road i starred and drove past shaking I do miss him but I know I have to keep him away from me and get on with my life I feel so lonely as grief of husband still hard I feel as if the last four years has hurt me so much I hate this man now it is hard on my own I feel he used my grief to get what he wanted and I feel used and angry with myself for letting this man use me as he did when he decided to call in he never told me when he was coming I feel like an unpaid prostitute I now have to get through each day on my own as I told no one what was happening most people that know him says he is a nice guy but I know different he is probably looking for his next affair I will get through this I know my husband is with me now and I am getting stronger day at a time please anyone thinking of having an affair with a married Mam run for you life it will break your heart hope my story helps someone out there to send married Men packing I think my self esteem was low after the grief of losing hubby but this will not happen to me again I am stronger now please don’t think I am a bad person I was just trying to get through my grief

  10. Thank you for your comments, Sarah! It sounds like you’ve done alot of work — and getting over a breakup when you’re still in love is difficult.

    Now that some time has passed….how are you doing? Have you let go of the past, or are you still struggling?

    I recently wrote this blog post, which might interest you:

    Do You Struggle to Let Things Go? 5 Ways to Live by Faith

    Take good care of yourself, for you are worth taking good care of!


  11. Dear Laurie, thank you for writing this article, I believe it is the answer to my prayers.
    I found your website whilst trying to figure out whether to stay & work on my current relationship. Happily I have realised I have a great partner who I love in REAL life & that I shouldn’t get carried away with a fantasy life! We have been together for 5 years & are about to move to his home country.
    Unfortunately, I realise that I still love my ex-boyfriend.
    I was with him for 5 & a half years in total. We got engaged after being together for 3 years, but then split a few months later. However we soon got back together for the remaining 2 years. Although I caused the break up as I had been unsure about us for a long time & things could not have worked out, it broke both our hearts, neither of us has recovered fully, plus I have felt guilty ever since.
    There wasn’t much time between these relationships to be honest, but I tried to take things slowly with my current partner because of how I felt/feel about my ex. It took me nearly 2 years to stop crying about him every night, I think about him most days & I dream about him at least once a week (I remember a lot of my dreams, we are often getting back together but I am aware we must soon split again).
    I have asked for his & His forgiveness in my prayers but never forgave myself. Maybe I have doubted my new relationship because of the old one. A lightbulb has been lit for me this evening though thanks to you, I am going to get both your book How to Let Go of Someone You Love: 3 Powerful Secrets (and 75 Tips!) for Healing Your Heart as well as Necessary Endings by Dr Henry Cloud.
    I am ready to get over my past, I haven’t had the right tools until now.
    Wishing you all the best & God Bless, Sarah.