Getting Out of the “Couples Mindset” After a Breakup

How do you live alone after being half of a couple for so long? These tips for getting out of the “couples mindset” will encourage and inspire you. You’ll see you’re not alone, and discover a few ideas for moving on.

“When you have been functioning in life as one-half of a couple, you become ‘conditioned’ to thinking of yourself in those terms,” writes Carole Brody Fleet in Happily Ever After. “All of a sudden, you are no longer one-half of ‘Mr. and Mrs. The-Two-Of-You,’ yet your emotional being is still in the one-half of a couple’ mindset.”

Your brain knows you’re not longer a couple, but your heart stubbornly refuses to move on. Your heart is broken—perhaps even stuck in the past. Your heart wants to go back in time, to the way things were. Your brain, however, knows it’s time to get out of the “couples mindset” and start moving through the breakup even if you’re still in love. These tips will help…

Some breakups are easier to handle, depending on who initiated the breakup. If you left your boyfriend or husband, you started grieving and letting go long before the actual breakup. You already started moving away emotionally and intellectually; all that was left was a physical break up.

But if you weren’t prepared for the breakup—or your husband or boyfriend unexpectedly passed away—then you’ll find yourself struggling. The good news is that you’re open to learning how to get out of the “couples mindset” after a breakup! The bad news is that it takes time.

How to Get Out of the “Couples Mindset”

It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

Acknowledge your emotions

Sometimes we need to tune into our hearts and spirits to understand how we feel. Our emotions are a huge part of who we are whole women. Our feelings can guide and inform our decisions, and help us understand who we want to be.

But our emotions can also be misleading and overwhelming. Our emotions can lead us down dark paths and drown us in a pit of despair. Our emotions are important, but they can’t be the focus of our lives—or even our days! They’ll destroy us because they’re up and down, good and bad. They’re unpredictable and often harmful…and that’s why we need to use our minds.

Remember the mind part of “couples mindset”

how to get out of couples mindsetYou may feel sad and alone because you’re no longer part of a couple. This is a normal part of grieving the end of a relationship. But, if you allow your heartfelt grief to control your mood and attitude, you’ll never get out of the “couples mindset.”

Have you noticed how much power your thoughts have over your emotions? If you think things like “I’ll never be happy alone” or “Getting out of the couples mindset is impossible” then you feel terrible. The more you focus on the grief, depression and loneliness after a breakup, the worse you feel. What you tell yourself has the power to control how you feel. Your feelings have the power to change your decisions, choices, and life.

Decide what to set your mind on

This Blossom Tip is simple, but not easy. You can decide that it’s time to get out of the couples mindset. I don’t know what you’ve been telling yourself since the breakup, but I suspect you’ve been struggling with loneliness, grief, and isolation. That’s a normal, even healthy part of the healing process. It’s a sign your heart is working through the pain.

After my breakup I thought I’d never get over my boyfriend. I thought I’d never heal—and that’s what I kept telling myself. I told myself I’d never move on, I wasn’t good enough to be loved, and I’d never be happy. And those thoughts set me back. They became my mindset for a couple of years, and as a result I took a long time to heal.

If you struggle with unhealthy or untrue thoughts, read How to Stop Believing Lies About Yourself.

Get out of the “couples mindset” one step at a time

Decide what mindset you’d rather live with. You’re not part of a couple now. Maybe you want to adopt a “healthy woman” or an “adventurous traveler” mindset. Maybe you want to set your mind on blossoming into the woman God created you to be. Maybe you want to rediscover who you were before the breakup—or before the relationship even began.

What will you set your mind on? Pick a phrase or goal. Reflect on it when you’re drowning in the fear that you’ll never get over the couples mindset you lived with for years. Even better—choose to set your mind on things above. Rebuild your relationship with Jesus, for He is calling. God knows you, loves you, and is waiting for you to return to Him.

When you start to feel sad and overwhelmed because you’re not part of a couple, choose to focus on your new mindset. It really is a simple Blossom Tip that has the power to change your life…but only if you make it a habit. Only if you choose to grow forward, knowing you can’t go back.

Blossom into who you were created to be

Miss Him Like Crazy Laurie Pawlik She BlossomsI wrote When You Miss Him Like Crazy for my She Blossoms readers who feel helpless, hopeless, and alone.

You’ll feel encouraged and happy when you discover the 25 Blossom Tips in When You Miss Him Like Crazy! The tips are practical and inspiring; they will heal your heart and change your life. This ebook will help you move from broken to blossoming after a breakup.

Each Blossom Tip highlights a different aspect of who you are—spirit, heart, soul, body, and brain. This holistic approach helps you move forward in different ways, according to your personality, interests, mood, energy level, and lifestyle.

Your thoughts – big and little – are welcome below! Writing is one of the best ways to work through your feelings about getting out of a couples mindset. Writing can help you untangle your emotions and figure out how to move forward.

I read every comment, but don’t worry. I won’t give advice or tell you what to do. It’s your turn to talk.


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2 thoughts on “Getting Out of the “Couples Mindset” After a Breakup”

  1. I need help on how to live alone and love it too. Because I just feel so desperately sad – and lonely. Being with your husband for 33 years is such a long time. It’s all I knew. Now I’m just so lost, and hurt that he would leave me for another woman. I don’t know how to get over this. I keep thinking about them together and it kills me. I want to be happy again. I just don’t know how to be happy on my own – with no partner. My beautiful kids are all grown up and have lives of their own. And I just seem to go to work every day, go home to a cold, lonely house and fall apart – still. I keep trying, but am failing miserably.

  2. maryann barzelatto

    I am in the couples mindset, not because of a breakup, but because my husband died. I was Edo’s wife for so long, that I don’t
    know how to be anything else. I also seem to hate the club that I now belong to, The widows club.
    I need help on how to live alone and love it.