The relationship is over and your heart is broken. You trusted him, you loved him, and you never dreamed you’d have to search for ways to forgive him for breaking your heart. You feel stuck, like you’ll never get over this or be happy again.
You may even feel embarrassed and ashamed by how your relationship ended, or foolish because you should’ve seen through his lies. Maybe you’re scared you’ll never be loved again. What if you’re alone forever? Perhaps you’re struggling with feelings of low self-worth, insecurity, depression, and loneliness.
I understand how it feels to be rejected, abandoned, and betrayed. It hurts. And, I know how hard it is to learn how to forgive someone for breaking your heart. It’s hard. But you know what? You’re not alone. You’re facing your own unique pain and heartbreak, but you don’t have to walk through this valley alone.
Instead of my usual list of tips, I’m focusing on one idea in this blog post: how to change your heart so you can forgive him. Every point in this article is about softening and opening your heart so you can find the forgiveness that will set you free from heartache, pain, and bitterness.
4 Key Steps to Forgiving Him After He Broke Your Heart
I used to rely on self-help books and psychological strategies for forgiving people. I thought I’d find the secret for forgiveness in “mind control” strategies or my own will. I was wrong! I’ve now learned that from my heart springs everything good, bad, big, little, happy, sad. And I’m not the master of my heart, nor can I change it by myself.
The secret to forgiving him — whether “he” is an ex-boyfriend, current husband, deceased father, abusive brother, or even an offensive boss — is to allow your heart to be changed. Forgiveness comes from within, and has nothing to do with how or why he broke your heart. Learning how to forgive him for breaking your heart isn’t about him…it’s about you.
1. Decide that you will let him go so your heart can heal
Do you really want to let go of this relationship? Your automatic first response may be “Yes, of course I want to let him go!” And then you spend the rest of the day thinking about him, replaying your last conversations, wondering if you should text him, daydreaming about seeing him again, and planning what you’d say if he called you. That’s not letting him go, is it?
If you’re struggling to move on because you can’t forgive him for breaking your heart, then you’re holding on to a dead relationship. You haven’t decided to let him go. So, instead of focusing on healing your heart, you’re focusing on him. When you decide that you truly want to forgive and let him go, from that moment forward your brain will be primed to want to continue to say things or take actions that are consistent with your decision.
2. Own your thoughts and feelings
The second step to changing your heart is taking ownership of your thoughts and feelings. Yes, unbidden and unwelcome thoughts will pop into your head. You’ll relive certain conversations, decisions, moments, and experiences. You’ll cry. You’ll miss him. You may even think you’ll never learn how to forgive him for breaking your heart.
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You can’t control what thoughts pop into your head, but you can control how long you dwell on those thoughts. You can’t control how certain thoughts make you feel, but you can control how long you decide you’ll drown in those emotions.
When you start learning that you actually have more control than you realize over your thoughts and emotions, your heart will start to change. And, when your heart starts to change, then you’ll be one step closer to forgiving him for breaking your heart.
3. Focus on what is true, good, pure and right
Ah, the Bible, the source of all wisdom! Paul said to focus your thoughts on things that are beautiful, good, true, right and pure. This will change your heart and help you forgive anyone for anything.
This third step to changing your heart and forgiving him for hurting you involves releasing the negative thoughts that hold you back. Instead, pick up the positive thoughts that build you up, fill you with hope and love, and help you Blossom. Tell me, what do you know is true, right, good, and pure? Write it in the comments section below. What will you gain from forgiving him for breaking your heart? How will you change? Why do you want to be free from the past? Who do you want to be? That, my friend, is how you will learn forgiveness.
4. Prepare for the journey toward forgiveness
This, you know: before you can truly move on and be happy after a relationship ends, you have to forgive him. He broke your heart, he crushed your spirit, and he may even have wrecked your life…but you also know that he’s no longer in control of your thoughts and emotions. You are.
It’s time to let him go. You’ve held on to this relationship for too long — and you know it! That’s why you’re searching for tips on how to forgive him for breaking your heart. You’re here because you want to move forward in your life and be happy again. You’re here because you want to Blossom into the woman God created you to be.
Forgiveness is a journey…and journeys take time. It took me years to forgive someone for breaking my heart. I would’ve healed faster if I knew then what I know now: my heart had to change before I could find the forgiveness I yearned for. And, God was the only person who could change my heart. The more I learned about Jesus’ love, compassion, and forgiveness, the more my heart softened and yielded. I accepted and surrendered…and then forgiveness was no longer something I had to learn. It was who I became.
How do you feel, what do you think? Where will you find the strength, power, and courage you need to forgive him for breaking your heart? You don’t have to have all the answers today. It’s a journey, and journeys take time. Give yourself the time you need. Ask God to soften your heart. Learn more about Jesus, and let Him do the work for you.
For more tips on healing a broken heart, read How to Let Go of a Past Relationship.
In peace and passion,
Your thoughts are welcome below! I don't give advice, but you can get free relationship help from marriage coach Mort Fertel.