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How to End a Relationship When You Don’t Want to Be Alone

Being alone can be lonely, boring, and even scary…but it’s better than staying with a guy who isn’t right for you. Here’s how to end a relationship even when you’re scared or reluctant to start life on your own…

“I’ve been in the same relationship for 18 years,” says Nikki in response to How to Know if a Man is Emotionally Available for Love. “He’s a good man. He’s not abusive, he doesn’t drink or gamble or even smoke. But he has never been able to love me fully, he always held back, and I let the relationship keep going. I couldn’t admit that I was scared to be alone. I stayed with him because even though I knew our relationship wasn’t improving or even that healthy, I couldn’t face life as a single woman. Now I’ll be 40 soon and I don’t want to live in fear anymore. But I’m still scared to be alone, so how do I end my relationship?”

You’re not alone if you’re scared to be alone – here’s what Jack says on my article about letting go of someone you love: “I have a tremendous fear of being alone, but even with us living under the same roof, I’m as lonely as anyone can possibly be. I realize it’s over. I can’t end our relationship and stay as a roommate, watching him run around. I can see he’s unhappy, which makes me unhappy. I’d be doing him a favor by leaving, because at least he would have the freedom I know he wants.”

I think Jack would be doing both his partner and himself a favor if he ended his relationship. It may be easier in the short term to stay with someone even when you know the relationship is over, but in the long run it’ll only make things worse. Nikki has learned that, and Jack is in the process of learning it as well.

Ending a Relationship When You’re Scared to Be Alone

These tips are easier said than done, especially for a full-time writer like me! I love being alone. I didn’t get married until I was 35 years old (we’ve been married 11 years, so I guess I don’t love being alone as much as I thought). I’ve never lived with a boyfriend, never had a long-term love relationship outside of my marriage. I lived in Africa as a single woman for three years and traveled to many exotic parts of the world…all by myself.

I love spending time by myself. I prefer being married, but I think there’s a lot to be said for being alone.

If you can no longer ignore the warning signs of a bad relationship, it’s time for you to start learning how to be alone. The sooner you face, accept, and live with your fears of being alone, the sooner you can move forward into a happier, healthier life.

Learn why you’re scared to be alone

Maybe you’ve always lived with a husband or boyfriend, or you’re worried you’re not financially able of taking care of yourself. Maybe you’re worried about what friends, family, coworkers, and the neighbors will think if you’re alone.

One of the first steps to overcoming your feelings about being alone is to figure out the root of your fear. Maybe you were raised by a single mother, and are scared of the potential problems of raising your own kids by yourself. Maybe your parents have been married for 50 years, and you want to live up to their marriage expectations. Or, maybe you feel like you’re too shy to date, and can’t face more rejection in a love relationship.

Start writing down your fears…and your solutions

If you can learn the reasons you’re scared to be alone, you can start dealing with them. But if you just feel a vague fear or even terror at the thought of being single, then you won’t be able to move forward. You can start figuring out your fears by taking at least 15 minutes to write, write, and write more of your fears. Find a quiet place, take out a notebook and pen, and freewrite whatever comes into your mind when you picture yourself ending your relationship and being alone in a new life. Let yourself experience your fears, anxieties, and concerns.

You don’t need to start solving your problems right away…just get them out on paper. When you’re ready, you can start writing down the solutions or ways to overcome your fears of ending the relationship and starting over in your new life.

Find your Higher Power

The truth is that you’ll never find the strength and courage you need if you rely on yourself alone. You simply don’t have the energy, wisdom, or willpower to give yourself all the support and guidance you need. You can’t do it all alone.

How to End a Relationship Scared to Be Alone

How to End a Relationship When You’re Scared to Be Alone

And, you can’t rely on your friends, family, grown children, or your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband to bolster your strength and courage. They’re doing the best they can to manage their own lives, relationships, thoughts, and emotions! They’ve got their own fears, struggles, problems, and issues to take care of. They love you but you can’t depend on them to give you an unending supply of hope, faith, encouragement, or energy. You can’t rely on them to teach you about ending a relationship and facing your fears of being alone. You need to find a source of Higher Power that will give you a constant river of energy, love, hope, faith, and courage.

Maybe you call this source of spiritual strength and energy God, or a Higher Power, or the Universe. It really doesn’t matter what you call Him….as long as you find Him.

Stay connected to your source of strength, energy, and power

It’s one thing to know God exists. Maybe you’ve felt His presence – and maybe you’ve even prayed that He shows you how to end a relationship when you’re scared to be alone.

The key to finding the strength you need is to keep dipping into His flow. Can you feel the hum that reverberates through the Universe? Can you hear the engine that is constantly and quietly driving everything we see, feel, hear, and do? No matter if you can’t…it is still there. It’s that still small voice that is telling you what you need to do. Stay connected to that voice, to the flow of the Universe that is here for you.

God created you, He loves you, and He has a plan for your life. You may not be where you hoped you’d be at this stage of your life, but it’s not too late. This is an exciting time for you – it’s your chance to raise your head, take a leap of faith, and re-create your life! This is your chance to do something you’ve never done before. Yes, you’re scared to be alone. And yes, you can do this. But you can’t do it alone.

Think of yourself as strong, independent, and healthy

Another step that may help you stop being scared is to start reframing how you see yourself. Instead of clinging on to your boyfriend or husband and feeling scared to be without him or her, start detaching.

Emotional detachment means different things to different people. To me, it means you can be in a healthy love relationship but not fixate on your boyfriend or husband. For example, detaching from someone you care about can involve going to events and parties by yourself, taking a weekend trip alone, or making plans with your friends that don’t include your partner.

You might also start spending time with strong, single, independent people who are happy and healthy. Their sense of wellness and strength will rub off on you. You’ll pick up their positive, independent energy.

Speak your truth

“Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes,” said Maggie Kuhn. This is especially important when you’re learning how to leave a relationship even though you’re scared to be alone!

Scared to Be Alone, Ending a Relationship

Scared to Be Alone, Ending a Relationship

The other night I dreamt about women standing up in a huge auditorium and saying what’s on their minds and in their hearts. Two women talked about how hard it is to keep their hair looking good – the first woman felt alone and scared; she asked the second woman to stand with her. Then another woman stood up and announced that she’s finally pregnant! Her husband started their announcement; she loudly and proudly finished it. Two other women played their instruments – a trumpet and a tambourine – in celebration and support.

Our voices matter. My voice matters, and so does yours.

Even if your voice shakes

It doesn’t matter if you speak up about something as “inconsequential” as how to keep your hair from frizzing up in the rain or why you decided to go to Colorado instead of Columbia. It doesn’t matter if you’re announcing a baby bump, a new business, or a bike ride down the block. It doesn’t matter if you’re not sure how to end a relationship and start a new life, if you’re scared to be alone or anxious about what people think of you.

Be scared, and do what you need to do to take care of your life. Speak up, tell your husband or boyfriend what you need. Be honest and authentic. Your voice matters. Your spirit, your energy, and your plans have a real and direct effect on the world around you – whether or not you see immediate results.

Stand aside and let the critical voices pass

I’m a wee bit embarrassed to admit how judgmental I was of the first two women who spoke up in my dream.

“Who cares about how hard it is to keep a hairstyle looking good?” I thought. “How boring!”

I can’t always silence my critical inner voice – or the judgments of other people – but I can step aside and let those voices pass right on by. Instead of sitting in the crowd judging other women for what they say, I stand alongside those who actually have courage to stand up and speak out.

If you end your relationship, you may be criticized and judged. You’ll have to prepare for that. It’s okay if you’re not ready to speak your truth, if your fear of being alone is still overpowering your dislike of your relationship. It takes time to figure out what’s in your heart and mind. Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes, and you will Blossom in wildly unexpected shapes, colors, and sizes.

Be bold. Be brave.

Moving onwards, reaching upwards

letting go of someone you loveI wrote 75 How to Let Go of Someone You Love: 3 Powerful Secrets (and 75 Tips!) for Healing Your Heart because I needed to learn how to let go of my sister. Letting her go was the most painful and difficult thing I ever did, but I had no choice.

To write this ebook, I interviewed life coaches, counselors, and grief coaches on letting go. I know how shocking, confusing, and heart-wrenching it is when you’re letting go of a loved one. It’s devastating – and it changes how you see yourself. Learning how to let go of someone you love is about rediscovering your passion and identity.

Ending a relationship when you’re scared of being alone is a process. Give yourself time to come to grips with the idea of solo living. Part of overcoming your fears is acknowledging and voicing your fears of being alone – which I invite you to do below.

Read books that make you happy to be single, if you’re scared to be alone. You need to focus on the positive aspects of being single – which include improved self-confidence, independence, strength and a renewed sense of self-worth and self-respect.

scared to be aloneMeditations to Heal Your Life by Louise Hay is a fantastic book for healing and growth. Her insights and encouragement will enrich your body, mind, and soul, while giving you practical knowledge to apply to your day-to-day life. Tell yourself that you are in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing. Use her meditations to affirm that you’re doing the right thing with your life and your relationship, and that you can move forward boldly and open-heartedly.

Do you know it’s time to end your relationship, but you’re scared to be alone? I welcome your comments below. I can’t give you advice about your relationship or life, but you may find it helpful to share your experience. Writing your story often brings clarity and insight, and can help you heal.

For more tips on how to end a relationship when you’re scared to be alone, read When You Can’t Let Go of the Past.

My prayer is that you find the strength and courage you need to end a relationship, even when you’re scared to be alone. May you find hope and faith, wisdom and clarity.

Is your relationship in trouble? Get 7 Steps to Fixing Your Marriage from relationship coach Mort Fertel. It's free and helpful, no strings attached.

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105 thoughts on “How to End a Relationship When You Don’t Want to Be Alone”

  1. I’m 50years old I’m retired due to health issues. I have been on an off with a man who has been very on again off again. He recently was incarcerated and he found the Mormon religion and seem to find his way but without me. This hurts I had waited for him till he got out and since he’s been out he’s turned into a good man but complicated. I’m scared of being alone I still
    Love him but I don’t know if he wants me to be a part of his life. I have abandoned everyone for him. I’m alone and I don’t know what to do about him and I. Because he still comes around. I’m scared

    1. Thank you for being so honest, Cherlyn, and for sharing this glimpse into your life. It sounds like you’re coping with so much. Love and life and relationships sure can get complicated! Especially when two people aren’t on the same page about their future or plans.
      I was thinking of you when I wrote this article:
      3 Ways to Cope With an “On Again Off Again” Relationship
      I hope it helps you find the courage, strength and wisdom you need.
      Take good care of yourself, for you are a child of God…and that means you’re worth taking good care of!

  2. Chrissy, I totally relate to your story. I’m trying my best to move foward in a new city but didn’t know where to start.. after 6 months of grief I am finding myself again but I miss my partner every moment. How do I move on after 20years of commitment, the thought of being with a new partner does not make me excited but I’m lonely at the same time. I really just want my partner back but he has moved on without me. I find strength reading motivational quotes and have reconnected with spirituality, but I still feel lost without him. Seeing him move on so quick has hurt so much and I just wish I didn’t feel so betrayed.
    I started doing the things I used to love for strength but I lay down at night and feel a deafening pain from my chest, I miss him so much.
    It’s been hard and I just keep remembering the abuse I suffered at his hands and wonder if I could ever find a man that would treat me with respect and loyalty.
    I had my dog when we separated but 4 months into the break up she passed on and now my father is fighting cancer 30000kms away. My mother is estranged so I have dealt with so much alone in 6months. If I can get through this much I hope you can all find the strength to find love in yourself again and a more positive life with or without your partner.
    Remember to hold on to any snippet of hope you have and tell yourself that there is a plan for your life and if he’s meant to be part of it in the future he will be.
    For now this is your life and you need to get up and dry your eyes, be present and get on with living the life you were blessed with.

  3. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years and nine months. We began dating at age 16 and we are now 18. He and I have always had arguments since we began dating , but we truly loved each other . We’ve gone through two break ups in high school and I made that choice because we needed time to change and grow. Although up till this day we keep on arguing non stop over little things . Until yesterday I asked if he cared about me and he responded I care about Thai relationship and I have feelings for you . I began to cry when I read the message because he had never told me before that he has feelings for me. He has always told me that he loves me . I found it suspicious and heart breaking how he said that rather than saying he loves me. I don’t know if I’m over exaggerating or not. I’m starting to think he no longer loves me and at the end of the conversation he said I’m overthinking it. I know my relationship isn’t healthy but I’m scared to end it and be alone because I can’t bare the thought of having to do things on my own and not have him by my side . Also to go to college on my own and not with him .

  4. I’m afraid that he will give her what I wanted with him just to upset me. He will throw it in my face and she and him will joke about it. His ex I feel he’s making plans with her as soon as I leave they will be back together.

  5. I am struggling with the idea of being alone in life. My divorce just came through, my two kids are grown. They live in different cities and have their own lives and children. My mother has gone on to be with the Lord, my father is wonderful but very old. My siblings live in other parts of the country. I’m dating a man casually but it’s not serious.

    I’m alone in life. Who do I put down as my emergency contact? What do I do when I have to take time off work because I’m sick and there isn’t a second income to pay the bills? Who will I go on vacations with? I will eat alone, watch television alone, go to the movies alone.

    I know the Lord will provide and be with me during all of this but it is still very scary and I struggle with what my life may end up like. People see me as outgoing, ready to be in the crowd and busy all the time. That’s because when I sit still I get scared and realize I am alone most of the time. I’m not that interested in the man I’m dating but I tell myself it’s better than being alone. So, I put on a brave face around family and friends so no one worries about me. I act like all is well because I don’t them to be concerned. They have always known me as the strong one, but inside my heart aches and my mind races and I am scared.

  6. I’m in this now. We are both 22, togther since 18. And i dont do stuff i really want to. I dont even wanna do the laundry just easy things. When i look at me now i dont recognize myself i always think about what happend to me i was a young happy lady with big dreams. Now i’m isolated and full of sadness and hate. I get so sad about my life when i think of it because i didnt want all this. I just wanted a happy life. My boyfriend wont grow up well he thinks everything will work out easly. How can he be so naive? We are not happy i tried to tell him many times. Its not normal we shouldnt have that life at 22. And i feel so guilty about breaking up on one side because i dont want to hurt him and on the other side i am so scared to be alone. What will i do what do i like? I dont even know and it makes me break in tears. I want to just press a button and then have a new life. I got a messy family with lots of problems i dealth with also as a child i was such an unhappy child and teenager. But i always saw the good in everything its like i’m a totally new person i really cant understand myself. I want to be the person i was with 18.

    1. Girlllll me too. I’m 25 and we’ve been together since 19. I moved in with his parents and everything started falling apart. I feel the exact same way as you and even grew up in pain and well. We decided to talk to a therapist. I have a feeling I want to leave but I’m not sure if it’s right or what I even want. I only know I want peace. He’s not a bad person at heart but has his own abandonment issues and self issues. If you’ve done anything I would love to know


  7. I have struggled with excepting the truth
    …l have been in love with a Sociopath for years he free me in. Jesus Christ has to save me when l realized what he was l wanted to die because l couldn’t believe he was so deceitful. 2years passed and he came back, speaking deception…l have been do bored l entertained him cause l was bored. Nothing with him had changed and it hurts cause my eyes are open now. He tried to get me to let down my guards and belive his lies.l pray daily and ask the lord for strength to walk away.he came back to rob me. This time it hurts because l know what he is and it hurts knowing he is so sick. I get scared he will change or l will miss the change. I pray for the strength to completely understand god would not let me miss love or want me to be used and manipulated.

  8. Thank You. Exceptional article. Just moved out, after 17 years, finally the pain of being with someone I no longer loved became more than my fear of being alone. I just keep saying, God has a plan for me, and I believe in God.

  9. I have been with my wife now for about 5 years. I grew up in a very religious family, and living with someone and not being married was looked very down upon. My wife and I met when I moved back to my home town. We had known each other for about 3 months, and I got transferred about 1000 miles away for a job. I missed her dearly and wanted her to move down. Of course, with us not being married this was not OK with my family. I felt that I loved my wife dearly, and “why not just get married?” I was not ready at all. I have felt uneasy since we got married. I always felt that I was forced into love and never got to experience it for myself. We obviously didn’t know that much about each other after only knowing each other for a few months. The pressure and anxiety of being felt like I was forced into marriage drove me absolutely insane. I started trying to find peace in another girl, and I ended up breaking it off with my wife and she moved back home. I quickly got scared, worried, and felt absolutely horrible for what I did. After a couple weeks I moved back home to make things right with her. Time went on for a little bit of happiness, but then I began to feel the same yet again. I ended up leaving again for about 10 months. She ended up dating someone else and moving in with them. I felt very lonely, and yet again tried to make things right. I moved back and she tried again. She went through a horrible stage of fighting with me and drinking, and I ended up acting out again with another women, and she did with another guy. We ended up working through that as well. But a year later, I still feel the same at. She says she loves me more then anything, and I do believe her. I just don’t know why I can’t stop feeling like this relationship is so toxic for the both of us, and that I am not truly in love. I feel sad and depressed a lot, wondering if I am missing out on true love. I know I have made a lot of mistakes, by I just don’t know why. I don’t know if it’s me just being a bad person, or if I really don’t love her. I don’t want to be single and live that bachelor life, I want to find someone I can’t live without. We have just been so terrible to each other, and I don’t think the past can ever be fixed and forgotten on both ends. We argue like insane children. I feel terrible about myself for the things I have done. I am not talking bad about her, but she has such a crazy temper in arguments. I can’t stand the fighting, and the lack of trust. She has never really trusted me again, and I don’t either. I could go on and on, but just want to throw some ideas off you all reading this. Thanks for your time.

    1. I think that guilt is keeping you there. That and fear. Don’t be afraid… Trust in God again and find your true self only then can you find a love that is true.

  10. I feel like I have no identity without man. Who Wil I do sweet things for, make fabulous new recipes for, who will look after my car on my budget. Who will fix the leaky sink. Who will I snuggle up to on a cold night or during that scary movie. Who will I plan my holidays with. Who will take me to emergency in the middle of the night when I am in pain. Who will put lotion on my back. Alone I will go crazy. Couples friends will be out. If u talk to much to someone else’s man that’s not acceptable, that’s if u get invited without being a couple. It is all so overwhelming. Feel to old to start over. Plus I would have to rent a room from strangers to afford, don’t even have a bed. I guess occasionAL man is better than none. Don’t care for dating seen at all. Kind of scary out there these days. He would probably say whatever makes u happy, go then.

  11. I have been with my boyfriend Tom for 2 and a half years and we live together. I just keep finding myself getting annoyed at him for the same problems over and over again, his childish sense of humour, inability to have a serious conversation, laziness, lack of drive in life, etc. But I am too scared to be alone to leave him, in spite of having considered it for a long time and having gone through a cycle of working on our problems, giving up on them, then deciding to work on them again and so on.
    Our relationship first started when I was still with my ex, I suppose because I felt bored, we had problems, and many other things. I cheated on him with Tom for about 3 months before we broke up mutually. I felt extremely ashamed about doing this and in some ways regretted starting the relationship with Tom because I felt then that I had no option to work things out with my ex because I had already started to emotionally detach from him and attach to Tom. If I’m honest with myself, I probably should have given myself some time to be single but yet again I was afraid to be alone, and to let Tom down as he was going through some difficult stuff at the time.
    In spite of all of this, I stayed with him and was happy for a while, as he was very different to my ex for the right reasons, but as it has turned out, for the wrong ones too. We were going through a rough patch about 6 months ago, and in a moment of stupidity I ended up cheating on him. I absolutely hate myself for doing this again and have no good reasons for it. He found out, we broke up for about a week before I begged him to take me back. I feel like such a childish coward for flip-flopping so many times and still hate myself for hurting him so much. Although we have surprisingly moved on, I have lost so much confidence because of the lack of trust we have had to battle through and I feel like I cannot do anything without checking in with him, just so that he feels reassured. I honestly don’t know why he took me back as I did not deserve it. And on top of this, our old problems still reemerged.

    Yet I find myself not having the strength to break up with him. I love him but I am with him for the wrong reasons. I suffer with depression and anxiety sometimes and past break-ups have been so emotionally devastating for me, adding to that the worry of finding a new place to live, and being alone (due to my work pattern I barely have time to see friends or family), fear of sinking back into depression, hurting him again. I feel so pathetic, being a grown woman and not being able to deal with these things. Part of me feels like staying with him is the easiest option.

    1. Serena, I am so touched by your story. i myself am in a similar situation and was looking for a solution online. I am actually married to a man whom I started dating while being with my ex. Now that we have been together for almost 3 years, I am the most miserable person. Yet I can’t leave for many reasons including that I am afraid of living alone and having to deal with regrets and grief.
      I believe it would be best for you if you left your actual relationship. It seems to have so many dysfunctions and you would end up destroying it and breaking up anyway in the future. So, better do it now, stop losing time and grieve for a while until you start feeling happy while being on your own. How long will you go from relationship to relationship and stay for too long because they are not the right ones for you out of fear of being alone( since I feel that this is a pattern that you are repeating)? You are missing out the right guy.
      That being said, I don’t think that this kind of drama should be the center of our lives. People come and go and our happiness should not depend solely on them.
      Now, I myself have to put this into practice. 🙂 We can keep in touch if you want to talk.

  12. I love this article -thank you! I have to end a relationship I have been in for 3 months. He is an alcoholic, I am not a priority, and this will go nowhere. I have not dated in 10 years. My fear with the breakup is if I will feel guilty leaving, how to handle that, and also the unknown feelings I will have once. Right now, he has not contacted me in 3 days, although we had standing plans for last night. I heard from a friend who saw him that he is on an alcoholic bender (totally new territory for me). Anyway, it’s also: “What if he never contacts me again to give me the forum to break up?” Yes, sounds wacky – bear with me here – I’m trying to express it the best way I can.

  13. Had social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder all my life with being constantly down. Rarely go out, I can force myself, have had a few jobs in the past outside, but it was always very hard. Had counselling and been on meds twice, off them now, nothing helps. I was hoping that when I moved to be with my boyfriend that I might be able to force myself to get a job and try and live with his love there with me.

    Was with my ex for 10 years, that fizzled out but I still kind of house share with him and our two dogs who stays with him. I met my now boyfriend two years ago and love him so much. It’s long distance and that doesn’t help anything. Recently had a visit with each other for a week and it was awkward neither saying what needed saying etc, and he’s now questioning his feeling because he said it felt different, off, I said it was more likely because we hadn’t seen each other for about 6 months and things weren’t being said as well.

    Then comes the biggest issue we’ve had, kids, he has kids and I don’t, he doesn’t want anymore though he said at the start of us that he did but has changed him mind, I am on the fence and panicking about it majorly, some reasons I do want kids, some I don’t, but he’s saying it won’t work because of that, he’s confused, angry, hurt, doesn’t know if his feelings for me have changed, says he loves me but his actions in the past week have devastated me, usually we message all the time, it’s gone to only every few hours and then it’s brief, I’ve been so upset and pouring my heart out to him and he’s distant and cold, says he’s numb, hasn’t said anything nice and comforting to me all week even though I’m on the edge. He says he’s either going to blow a fuse with everything in life or break down, I feel the exact same, I really can’t take it all anymore.

    I don’t want to be single, don’t want to have no one, don’t want to start all over again just to risk hurt and pain and upset again, I do get very dependent on who I’m with and make them my whole world, I just can’t bare to think about him saying it’s over, it’s scaring me so much. I can’t help it and know that it’s not healthy to put someone as your everything, but I was thinking when I moved to be with him that maybe I’d try and make a friend, I do have a mutual friend where he lives that I met through him so would have her as well. But he’s all I think about and want and want to do everything with. We’ve always talked marriage and me moving to be with him. Now it feels like he doesn’t even like me anymore, though he says it’s because our recent time together was crap and felt different, and all the kids stuff as well.

    I’m panicking over losing him big time. And panicking over the whole kids thing as well. So scared to get older alone with no one, I have no friends, only my mum and dad, my sister lives no where near me with her husband. I have nothing and no one, If it wasn’t for my ex and my mum and stepdad I don’t know how I’d live or where, I have no money etc.

    I’m on the fence with kids, on one hand because he has them as well, it’s always in my face, knowing what I don’t share with him and would have wanted to, knowing he has all the good parts of kids as well that I don’t get to have with them, knowing he has that love off them and for them and I don’t. And just having someone to love that much forever, having a little life to help grow and love and to love me. I know there’s no guarantees but I have nothing right now.

    On the other side of the fence, having a baby is massive, I can barely get myself through the days. I do like not having kids, having my time etc, and time with my boyfriend just us, and with my anxiety issues as well on top, I have no life and I know that no baby is going to give me that or solve all my problems. And a baby would take our time away from each other and what we want to do in life. I just don’t want to get to being older and regretting what I don’t have, if he ends up leaving me at some point anyway, I’d lose him and the step family I’d be in with him and everything and have nothing anyway.

    So I really don’t know what to say, I’ve told him I’m for and against kids, but if he thinks I might want them then we can’t be together, I’m really scared to say I don’t because of major fear of that and ending up with huge regrets and sadness and alone. He’s saying about the few days that felt awkward he doesn’t know if he feels the same, it felt different, I said that’s just because of those issues. There are some things that I don’t like about how is he but that’s in every relationship isn’t it. He is so kind and caring and loving, beautiful and is usually nothing like this with me being so distant which is why it’s so hard to take and I can’t cope with it, just can’t.

    That is tearing us apart and the distance. I really don’t know what to do anymore. Or say to him. I don’t want to lose him. To think of being alone again it panics me, I was with my ex for 11 years and my boyfriend now 2.

    I feel sick all the time, I wake up and instantly get hit with all the thoughts and feelings again, and it hurts so much, I feel a constant ache in my chest and sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, I feel like I can’t breathe all the time and he acts like he doesn’t care. I can’t take break ups, I hate my life, I hate waking up, I just want to sleep all the time. I really can’t cope.

    I’ve been to the doctors a month ago when she took me off medication because they weren’t helping. She gave me a leaflet for supporting minds talking therapies, haven’t called them yet. Just feel so sick and down and I really don’t knwo what to do. I’ve spent hours today again searching online about what to do over the kids issue, and hoping that he doesn’t end it with me as well. Is it better to be part of a step family than none at all, even if that means moving away from my mum and dad and ex who our dogs stay with. I really really am going to have a breakdown I can’t take it, and during all this I’m pretending to be ok with the people I do see mum stepdad and ex etc they know I’m very down and not happy but that’s it. I’m scared to death he’s going to break up with me. I don’t want to start over again, don’t want to risk not finding someone else, or finding someone else and it being even worse than this is at times with everything. Everything scares me so much.

    I don’t know whether to say to my boyfriend to come and see me again, see how that goes, then maybe go and stay with him and go from there, if he even will or wants to anymore, he said the other night when he was angry on the phone that sometimes he doesn’t even know if he can be bothered anymore, I cried and he shouted again. He has anxiety issues as well and some anger issues too.

    When he left I spent two days in bed crying, since i’ve gotten up but not left the house, just sit on my own all the time as usual, hating my life so much and feeling like I can’t take it all anymore. For me if my relationship is ok then that’s my rock if that goes bad then my world falls apart as it is. I’m just so so sick of it all. And I really don’t know what to do.

    1. Faith your story brought me to tears because of how closely I connect to your story. It is crazy to find people who are in the same situation and also fear the same things. I feel that in the society we are in it is always advertised as a much better life if you have a husband, kids, a nice house, etc. From the beginning of my long downhill spiral into depression due to the same thing you do, making them our number one priority and really abandoning our own lives in order to just be a PART of there’s, I have also done lots of reasearch but also reached out to the women in my family to ask why I am like this. What is it about me that cannot bare the thought of not having someone to come home to and rely on to make me happy. Although they rarely even do! honestly the most beneficial part to my “road to recovery” was talking one on one with my mother. She also, was the EXACT SAME AS ME when she was younger. She cried and told me she couldn’t believe I ended up feeling like her when she tried so hard to make sure I wasn’t influenced too much by her mental breakdowns after breakups all throughout my childhood. While it seemed at first like oh great now my future will resemble my mothers where she still cries daily over the man she lost 12 years ago. She is now almost 60 and has no hope in finding someone and will not let herself even try since she continues to relentlessly blame and hate herself for him leaving her. She believes she doesn’t even deserve happiness anymore from whatever she might have done to make the love of her life leave her. It saddens me that I resemble my mother so much when she was my age and now I am absolutely terrified to end up like her. I love her and she did the absolute best she could in our extremely dysfunctional family but I can’t help but feel the need to take action NOW while I am only 24 and to not keep dating these men who I know don’t deserve the love and satisfaction I throw at them on a daily basis. Which was exactly how my mother was. She was in abusive relationships her whole life and I believe because those types of men LOOK for women like us who they know will treat them like kings without giving much back. For me personally I have become very empowered and motivated by free spirit thinkers who have lots of great advice as to why you should be alone because there is no point in wasting our only life not even TRYING to be happy. It’s ridiculous if you think about it. And remember that relationships are only a part of your life. Just as a job is a part. No one really knows the meaning of our lives but it’s up for us to figure it out ourselves. If your future daughter told you exactly what you told us, what would you tell her? Oh stay with him do not be alone. Or would you be like are you bleeping kidding me. Get out there now and ditch him the second you feel you need to. You mentioned how many days and times you sit and cry upset. There simply is no need to waste time on that. There is no time to waste in this frighteningly short life we’ve been given. In this time of being upset you could have stepped out of your comfort zone, walked into a local hangout bar and just start talking to people! depemdinf on where you live, you’d be surprised how many people are at bars just wanting to talk to people too. Who knows where these changes will take you. You can have a fully different life in a month if you really wanted to. New job, find a new city to live in where there’s people like you, possibilies are endless it just takes a lot of courage and a push. I wish you luck with what you choose to do. Don’t let this fear of being alone stop you from being happy. It is the exact thing that will forever keep you unhappy.

  14. Dear Anne,

    It really does sound like you’re trapped. You can’t move forward – you can’t end this relationship because you’re scared to be alone. And yet you find your boyfriend to be tedious, difficult, and unfulfilling.

    Here’s a question for you: What is one way you might deal with the grief and pain of a breakup if you did end this relationship? How have you coped with disappointment in the past?

    It’s possible that you’re telling yourself the wrong story. You’re saying “I don’t know how to deal with life if I end this relationship.” What if you told yourself a different story? What if you said, “When I am ready to end this relationship, I will deal with my pain and grief by………”

    The bad news is you keep telling yourself how hopeless, tedious, lonely, and depressing your life is. The good news is that you can tell yourself a new story. You have that power! But will you take it? Can you actually find the strength and hope you need to revitalize your life?

    I hope so. I hope you look upwards in faith and outwards for power. I hope you find the courage and energy you need to learn how to end this relationship even though you’re scared of the future.

    In peace and passion,

  15. I’m 21 and in a relationship with a guy. He’s a year younger than me. It’s been more than a year that we first got together. It was kinda fun at first and we were happy. But now he’s become this whiny kid who only wants attention to himself. I’m currently working from home and I barely go outside. All my friends have moved to different cities and I’m too lonely. I’m only holding on to him because he’s the only one available. Being in this relationship has become so tedious and it’s always give and give and get little or nothing in return. I don’t know how to deal with life if I end this. I’m tired but also alone and depressed

  16. Dear Alejandra,

    You are doing the right thing! You ended a relationship even though you’re scared to be alone – and you are focusing on your own growth, healing, and self-care. This is good, so good. You won’t regret it. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it.

    Don’t give up. You are firmly planting yourself in a garden that’s better and healthier than your old relationship. That was then, and this is now. This is a better, brighter, happier now than you could ever imagine!

    Take heart, and know that God has a beautiful plan for your life. He loves you, and He will bless you with a husband and family that cherishes and adores you.


  17. I dated this Man for about 10 months, I met him at a bicycle event, my bike gave up and he waited at the tope of the hill and helped me get back with the group, we talked the entire night and eventually became an object, sounds crazy now that I’m in detail. I was looking for a serious relationship and he was probably not that interested because he always said he didn’t want a relationship , a few months after dating I told him we were looking for different things and we should date other people , he never stopped coming around, eventually we were sleeping together seeing each other very often, I loved his attention, taking me out all the time, calling me, taking me to nice bars, dinners etc. I let go of my idea of having to make it be an official relationship and decided to just have fun, one night he said we should meet and talk, I told him if he was going to tell me he didn’t want a relationship I was fine with it that I knew there were plenty of other Men that would want Me, and he said the total opposite he asked me to be his gf! I was shocked, along the way my expectations started running high and started to make him feel uncomfortable, I also started realizing his drinking was not something I wanted to deal with, every time we went out with his friends I had to beg him at 4am to please go home, and he would become rude saying things like…”do whatever You want, You go home” , or once he pushed me yelling, “leave me alone”, I always handle my drinking I would always be the sober one taking us home on a bike, next day I had to sit and tell him stories about everything that happened the night before, and how he acted. most of the time he said he forgot, it would annoy me but I would deal with it, never told him to control his need to drink to the point of no return, I didn’t want him to feel I was trying to change him. From the beginning the Sex was not the best, he was usually the one lying in bed while I did everything else, at first I was ok with it, but later I started to realize, wait a minute here.

    I realized in the long run I wanted a future, a home children, a happy sex life, but than I also realized my family were so happy I had a boyfriend so I was willing to deal with everything and balance the good, somehow deal with how annoying he would be when he would drink, it was almost like dealing with a wall, I knew I was alone every time he was drunk, I knew his financial mess was not gonna be good for a very long time, and I was willing to settle for a non happy intimate life just so I won’t be alone and my family can continue to be happy and leave me alone about the topic of being single.

    It didn’t end up working out anyway, I’ve set him free, I don’t call him, I don’t message him. I’ve released him. his the one that begged me a few days to have dinner and talk, I went and we ended up having a blast and didn’t even have a “talk” like he wanted. I was a little annoyed by that, but realized I had a great dinner and that’s all that matters.

    I want to concentrate in self healing, from the inside out, I want to heal my soul, and I want to be ok with being alone and work on myself because at the end of the day that is the only way I will attract a long lasting romantic relationship..

    thanx for reading if You did!

  18. I am dating a divorcee, he has 2 kids and his ex wife battles with mental illness. He got the child custody and is overseas for 1 year assignment. I am a virgin we havent had sex and he does it himself when he’s up. He always felt indebted to me as he thinks im too good for a 2nd hand man like him who comes with a burden. Yesterday he broke the news to me that his ex wife’s family called to tell him she attempted suicide and the family and his children want her to stay with them (and him) after his overseas assignment. I am heartbroken and i am feeling so resentful towards his whole family. He told me he is not on good terms wirh his ez wife and staying together will be hard he couldnt stop this because of his kids. Im heartbroken and im starting to resent him. If i break up with him now i feel lonely and only he can give me the companionship and love i always yearn for. Please dont judge me but what can i do? 🙁

  19. Dear Jones,

    Thank you for writing about your experience – it takes wisdom and strength to share what you’re going through! Many times we hide what we’re dealing with, so I really admire your courage. I’m sorry you’re going through this in your marriage, especially with your possible future health issues.

    I wish I had good advice to give you about leaving a relationship when you’re scared to be alone – or that I had a magic wand that could turn back time and erase pain – but all I have to offer is my writing. So, I wrote an article for you…

    The Most Powerful Way to Deal With Your Fear of Being Alone

    I will keep you in my prayers, for strength and healing and comfort. May you reach out and find support and love in your friends and family. And, please do keep in touch with us at SheBlossoms.

    You might be encouraged by my free weekly newsletter, called SheBlossoms. I help women look upwards to grow healthy and strong, emotionally and spiritually. You may find it helpful, and you can sign up above.

    Take care of yourself, and stay open to God’s love, healing, power, and freedom.


  20. Hi Laurie,
    I have been married for about 6 years now and it was never a smooth relationship. I have a very inconsiderate irresponsible secretive unromantic and stone hearted person. I am the only child for my parents. Though I am married I have always taken all the responsibilities of the home on my shoulders. I have been independent all my life financially and in domestic affairs. I am pregnant right now and want to break up with my husband. But i am scared of moving ahead because I work for the IT industry as a programmer and its not my cup of tea. I would like to change my profession but iam also scared of earning less because right now I earn very well. If I change my profession to something I am passionate about I am sure I won’t earn this much. But i am unable to take the stress at work. In addition I would have to take the responsibility of my kid alone if I divorce my partner. Also health is another factor. My family has a genetic history of diabetes and eye problems. I am scared that if I fall sick someday and not able to earn who’s going to feed me. Please advise me on how do I prepare myself for these two issues and move on. I feel totally helpless.

    Thanks in advance

  21. You can have a better life – and you know it! You just don’t know how, you don’t have the courage yet. You haven’t convinced yourself that it’s time, or that you can do it.

    And maybe there’s a part of you that feels safe in this relationship because you know what to expect. You want to end it but you’re scared to be alone…and right now there are more rewards for staying than ending the relationship.

    I just wrote an article called How to Create a Better Life:

    Maybe it’ll help you take one step further in your journey…

  22. I have been in a relationship for a yr now. My partner has texted other women behind my back. Lies to me. Has abused me. He doesnt help me much. I do most of the things n a relationship myself. I moved to another state to be with him. I have no family here. No ride to get things done. Im scared to leave him becuase i have no family here. I have my own place. He lives with me. Dont have patients for him anynore. I feel trapped. When i get the courage to tell him to leave. He tells me no and doesnt. I then end up giving him chance after chance n nothing changes. Sum1 has offered to treat me right n has been waiting patiently for me. He knows im confused. He is a couple houses down from me. I feel valued by the man a few houses down. But i just cant seem to grow the courage to leave my relationship for a better life.

  23. harriet cummings

    Ive been with my boyfriend for about 1 and 1/2 years and he has cheated twice during this time and i forgave him but now i am starting to realise i was only with him because i have no other friends. Im not sexually attracted to him anymore and i know that i deserve better but i know ill have no one to talk to and ill be worrying about what he’s doing but i know in the long run i will benefit from it but im so scared of being alone. I just feel so trapped and dont know what to do. Please someone help me

    1. This is the exact way I feel. Idk if u will see my comment but I’ve dated my big for 2 1/2 years and he treats me horrible. We fight a lot and I live with him and his family. We’re young btw. But I pretty much don’t talk to anyone from high school anymore and life’s different with a baby. So he’s the only person I really talk to. I’m so lonely but I don’t think it’d change much if we broke up. It’s going to be hard and lonely. He has tons of friends and a big happy family. And I have neither and no support system. Just myself. I’m mostly worried about his drinking habits after I leave cause his family loves to drink it up

  24. Bonnie (Continued)

    I’m 19 by the way. And on my end I can say that I am having trouble letting go of the past but I feel like as soon as I do, something else comes up. I can tell he loves me and he’s really trying to do good but I feel like I can’t wait forever to get his act together.

    1. I feel the exact same way! I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years ! I know he loves me and he tries sometimes, but lately it’s like he just cant seem to stop doing little or big things that hurts me and causes an argument. I’ve reached the point where it’s like okay Katie , you are not supposed to be arguing everyday and crying, it’s time to leave but to think of being without him, after 5 years you can imagine that his family is like my family and vice versa. I know he doesn’t want to end it but he’s changing and I’m tired of being miserable when we should be happy.

  25. So I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 4 years now (on and off). He cheated the first time we dated. Then I ended up coming back after a few months. Then constantly lied. So I broke up with him again. Recently we got back together but (this may be tmi) then he gave me an std from a fling he had while we weren’t together. I’m so confused on how I feel now. Apart of me wants to leave but then another part of me wants to go. He says that he has not cheated or lied during this relationship, which I believe. But it sucks that a fling from when we were apart has affected us both. I’m not sure if I’m staying because I don’t want to be alone. Apart of me wants to believe that things will go right the way he says, because he really does have a great heart. I’m just not so sure what to do anymore. Any advice?

  26. Im 19

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years (september 2013) we’ve became bestfriends and everything but I can’t help but feel that I cannot see him in my future…i’ve thought about breaking up with him because i don’t think its fair im with him if i am feeling like this..but when I am with him the feelings completely go away but when I’m away from him I keep gettting that feeling…

    I don’t want to leave him because I value him so much and his friendship but I know if I do he’ll ignore me and never speak to me again, which i also do not want..
    I tried to go on a break with him to try figure things out but he didn’t let me- he wanted to keep things going and made me promise i’ll never ask for a break again because i think he deserves better.

    I just dont know what to do- i dont know whether to leave him or not because i don’t want him to lose him completely as a person but i just dont see us going anywhere in the future if im 100% honest.. :///

    please helppp

  27. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    It’s difficult to end a relationship, especially if you’ve been together for years. We learn to rely on our partners even if they’re not the healthiest or best for us. Sometimes it feels easier and safer to stay in even the worst relationship because we’re scared to be alone.

    But, being alone and happy is better than being in a relationship and miserable.

  28. I’ve been in a “relationship” for the past 4 or so years. We started out as friends with benefits, and eventually I caught feelings. He didn’t want to be in a relationship but wanted to continue doing what we were doing. We didn’t hang out or do anything except have sex. When I told him I didn’t want to continue on doing this he decided to become more serious. He was out of work for a good 3 of the 4 years that we were together; which was also the reason why he could not take me out or do anything with me. I’ve caught him on nearly 10 separate occasions throughout the span of our “relationship” trying to meet up with girls, on dating websites, etc. On one occasion I caught him sending a text to a girl in which I texted her and asked what the extent of their relationship was. She told me he had met her online and she had been to his house, had sex with him, and then he became almost obsessed and aggressive that she blocked him on all forms of communication. He denied this until I confronted him saying that she knew exactly how his house looked in which he admitted that she came to his house, but that was it. I don’t believe him and I have a hard time to this day believing him about anything. I’ve loaned him a lot of money to help him out when he was not working, I’ve spent countless hours driving him around, picking him up from work and dropping him off at work, getting him grocery’s when he could not afford them, but I still feel bad. He never invites me out with him, never takes me out, always cancels our plans, and says he loves me but it doesn’t feel right; and hasn’t for a long time. I try to communicate how I feel but he doesn’t want to hear it. I feel so used and trapped. I’ve broken up with him every time he’s cheated on me or tried to meet girls online, but somehow always get manipulated into getting back with him. He’s broken up with me on the grounds of, he didn’t like my attitude. I’m far from perfect, but I literally have done and continue to do everything for somebody who can’t even keep a date with me. I’m unsure if he actually loves me or is just using me for money, sex, and transportation. I can’t fathom in my mind holding onto a relationship for this long for those three reasons. I don’t think I want to be with him because I don’t think he has it in him to be faithful and committed to me. He seems to think everything is fine all the time, it is for him i suppose, not for me though. I know what I have to do which is end it with him once and for all, but it is easier said than done…

    1. It sure is but if you let him treat you like this, he will. It is the hardest thing to do but believe me you WILL feel better after the initial shock has gone. There is light at end of tunnel but you might have to use a magnifying glass to see it as first. Just think – would you rather be on your own and happy or with someone and not.

      1. CardiologistInSeattle

        Anne, I hope I don’t come off as mean-spirited, but how do you know for a fact that someone else will feel better after doing what conventional wisdom dictates? How does anyone know there is what the individual experiencing her/his life would consider light at the end of the tunnel? I followed similar advice and divorced an abusive person 13 years ago. In all honesty, looking back on things, I wish I hadn’t ended that relationship.I do not like being alone, and am, objectively speaking, not an attractive enough human being to attract and retain new partners. I won’t go into details, but I am confident it’s not my personality or holistic lifestyle or my many, many efforts to remedy what I consider lacking in my life. In essence, the problem I have with advice such as yours is inherent in the false dichotomy of, “would you rather be on your own-and-happy or with someone and not?” The prospect of being alone-and-happy for many, many humans isn’t even reasonable–despite all the pop and professional psychology articles to the contrary. It doesn’t matter what anyone else feels on the matter; it only matters what the individual living her or his life feels about being perpetually on her/his own. Moreover, as difficult as it may be to appreciate, one can be happy enough often enough with someone who is in certain instances abusive. Even the lack of the remembered (or perceived) pain of loneliness may validate an otherwise unhappy relationship enough for a free adult to justify staying in it. This to me seems a judgment call–not an objective and static fact.

        I don’t mean to go on and on, and I’m not trying to be cruelly critical. But professionals and acquaintances who thought they understood my life and needs better than I do strongly encouraged me to end my marriage years ago. Never did one of them hold me when I was lonely. Or sleep next to me to help me fall asleep–or stave off the ensuing years of insomnia no doctor could help me with. Once the advice had been repeatedly given and the encouragement followed through, I was left … alone. Older, undesirable, and painfully alone. Every day I regret having followed others’ advice on my own life, and the countless guarantees that never came true about how much better it would all get.

  29. I’ve been in a relationship (or should I say was) for a little over five years. We did not live together but he would come and stay with me every weekend, usually from Friday through to Sunday evening. The problem is that whenever a situation arises and I need to talk to him he to discuss whatever is going on, he gets very frosty, sulks and usually ends up packing his things and leaving, usually asking for my engagement ring back. I would not hear from him so I would always be the one to make contact and try and sort it out, telling him that whatever it is can be sorted and basically almost begging him not to end it. I have lost count of the number of times he has left like this. Each time I tell myself that that is it, no more, but the pain of losing him or fear of being alone, thought of him with someone else, never finding anyone again just gets too much and I end up contacting him. Well it was New Year’s Eve 2015 and I had something on my mind which I wanted to talk about, nothing tragic or terrible really, just something I wanted clarification on. I started talking to him, not getting angry or anything, just very calm. Within minutes I could tell his whole body language changed and on came the frostyness. I told him that I feel I can’t talk to him as whatever I say seems to cause him to get agitated and grumpy and I end up feeling that I need to apologise all the time. The conversation was obviously not going well so I decided to go upstairs for 10 minutes. Within those 10 minutes he came upstairs, packed his stuff and left. Again. Am feeling so empty now, he has gone and what do I do. I want to be strong and get through this as feel that I am staying in this relationship and trying to keep it going just because I don’t want to be on my own. Can anyone relate to this and help me?

    1. I can absolutely relate to this. I feel the exact same way with my boyfriend. I wish that just once, instead of leaving, he would stay and put aside his own anger and just hear me out. I know that not being able to talk to him about anything is a massive warning sign and all I want is for him to listen when I need him to. I also know that waiting around and hoping he’ll one day change is pointless. He’s just not right for me. I don’t understand why I can’t let him go. I wish I could help you but I know how hard it is to be in your position.

      1. I have tried to end things but only go back a few hours later. I just haven’t got the guts to do it. As soon as I start talking to him about anything that has either got to me, upset me or is just on my mind, he just immediately puts up a wall and either goes off and sulks or packs his stuff and leaves. The first time he did it I should have said fine then, if that’s what you want to do and shut the door behind him. Instead of that I went running after him, telling him that everything will be ok and almost begging him to come back to me. Since then he has done it time and time again. Almost feels like he is testing my love – pushing me away to see how far he can go. I hope this makes sense. I feel so insecure in the relationship, never knowing if I go out if he will be there when I come home. I panic if when I call him he doesn’t answer – thinking is he ignoring me. I feel so needy of him, thinking I can’t do anything without him. He has commented about some things that I have worn in the past – nothing racey or anything – just things he said are a bit see-thru in the sun or things he thinks will make other men look at me. So I don’t wear them anymore. If we are out he says he sees me looking at other men and smiling at them. I don’t look at anymore – just the ground. If I have to deal with contractors through my job he gets agitated and stuff. I feel like I have to tread on the proverbial egg shells all the time for fear of upsetting him and him leaving me. Got I’m so pathetic. You are helping me – just knowing that someone else knows exactly what I mean. Feel so alone with all this. Well I am now has he has left – again – but this time I am going to stick to my guns and get through this pain, hurt, upset, crying and just generally feeling bad stage. I know I will get through it, just need to be strong and find something inside me. This relationship is going nowhere and am not going to waste any more of my life on a man that keeps running away. Life is too short.

        1. I know exactly how you feel. I find myself needing to end the cycle or it will continue. One thing I did realize is that we teach people how to treat us. When we are upset, angry about something they did that we truly find unacceptable, we draw a line in the sand. We give them another chance and when they do the same thing over and over again, we keep drawing another line in the sand. They can see that no matter what we’ll keep taking them back. I think we need to stop the cycle. Give one change to explain how you feel, hear them out. if they do it again, let them know this is the last chance. If they truly wanted to have a healthy and happy relationship with us, they just would. People make mistakes no ones perfect but if they know what thy are doing with have a consequence of losing us and they still do it. It’s difficult but we need to be with people who treat us well.

          1. You’re so right. I have got to think, well do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person who makes me feel this way or do I want to make a change now. I feel constantly scared of saying something in case it upsets him or annoys him and then he leaves. I am always on edge. Just avoid things to stop him leaving. Why can’t he just listen to what I have to say instead of copping the hump and packing his stuff and going. We all get angry at times and need a bit of time out – I get that – so he could say well I’m going out for a walk or drive for an hour or so to calm down. That’s normal. What’s not normal is him keep packing his stuff up and leaving me. I keep going through the pain of a break-up time and time again. It bloody hurts. I do love him so very much but that’s not enough. I need to end this cycle.

  30. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thank you for being here and sharing about your relationship. It sounds like you’re struggling with a variety of different things, but the bottom line is that moving forward with your relationship isn’t the best thing for you right now. You care about your boyfriend, you don’t want him to be alone, you’re scared to tell him the truth…but you can’t continue the way things are going.

    What do you think you should do? How would you want him to treat you, if the roles were reversed?

  31. Hello, i am 18 years old. my boyfriend and i have been dating for 3 years, we started dating my freshmen year of high school (his sophomore year). things were going great, it was my first real relationship, i had never really had a boyfriend before then. i never thought it would go so well.. until the 2 year mark. we started fighting about stupid stuff. we started growing up but in two totally different directions… he got kicked out of his dads house and lived with a friend and his family while i stayed in a very loving family, but just thinking about him being in those situations stressed me out, and continues to even today. we broke up here and there because i felt like i never had the chance to date around and i started drifing away from my best friends, i cant tell my best friend anything because i feel like i bring it up so much (maybe once or twice actually to her) that i don’t want her to get bored with me or get annoyed. i have no one to talk to about any of this!! it started getting so bad that this whole situation is a big massive ball of stress. my boyfriend is doing a lot better, he made up with his dad, has a great job and plans to go to college next year. hes doing all these adult things while my mom still does my laundry. another thing is that im going away to college next year, out of town 3 hours away. he is the sweetest guy anyone could ever meet, he cares about me so much, and loves me. but i feel like ive treated him so bad for getting stressed that he should break up with me but he hasnt. today ive tried talking about the future to him and asked if he thinks he is missing out on anything and if he thinks there is someone out there better suited for him, he said “Maybe, but i hope i never meet them. because i already have the perfect girl right here.” and here i am thinking of what it would be like to be 30 living in a large city, at a bar and meeting someone like its love at first sight, or meeting someone in college that i fine so interesting that i want so badly to get his attention… What the heck am i supposed to say to that??? HELP. SOS. i know i am an awful person for this but please help!!!!

    1. Hi brook. My thoughts on this is that you’re still young and you sound like you want to live your youth. Don’t feel bad about it. It’s normal to want to. Even though your boyfriend is a nice guy you can’t settle for what he wants. If you want to adventure your young life you can’t string him along either, just wouldn’t be right for him. If you’re still having these thoughts you’re going to have to break it off with him before you both go to college and you can both have a fresh start. If you’re meant to be with him it’ll happen some how. I think you should enjoy your youth while u have it. Having a boyfriend this young is hard. You want to try new things and make new friends. I’m sure at some point while he’s in college he’ll feel the same way. He’s still young too. You both are still growing up. Don’t make the mistake of staying with him when you’re eager to live your youth. I hope this helps you.

  32. Im 35 and my wife of 5yrs just came back from a deployment and ask for a divorce. I kind of seen something coming with about 2mths out. At that time our conversations got shorter and she didn’t want me to talk dirty to her anymore. That’s when I started to have our 3 year old son sleep in the bed with me because I started to feel alone. Let me go back for a second. Before she left we live with her mom in a town where I didn’t like and had a hard time finding work because there wasn’t a lot around and I wasn’t use to that liven so I started school and said that’s what im going to do while she gone. Basically being a stay home dad for our son paying my bills with my grant money and GI BIll money. Well about two months before we slowly moved into a place of our own. So now when she left I was left in a house that I really didn’t want because I didn’t think we could afford and I was going to be alone with just my son in this big place. Well she left and my son and I got into a routine to keep us from getting to bored. But really we I was alone waiting on my wife. I don’t like her mom so we stayed to our selfs and try our best to make it on our own. Well like I said the first part of her deployment was ok because we talk like we always do so I fine with sleeping a lone. Then she told me to stop talking like that and stuff. That’s when I started to feel a lone id wake up lost and would reach to see if my son was there and id feel better. When she got back she had to stay at a hotel for two weeks because of military reasons. When long story short on the third day back she ask for the divorce over the phone and I was devastated. when she finally was able to come back to the house I was like ok we will talk and see whats up. But she closed me out of everything she wwouldnt let me touch her and told me to get out 2 days later. Its been three weeks of not sleeping and feeling a lone or being in my routine. I guess what im asking is how do you fill the void she left me with? All I want to do is call or text her at night and feel like im pushing further away. How do I fill it so I give her sometime. Its only at night that I cant sit still or during the day when im not around anyone. Please help me try and fill the lonelyness

  33. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thank you for sharing your experience. Ending a relationship is very difficult and scary, especially since we were created for connection and love! We need each other to survive.

    It’s natural to be scared to be alone, and to hesitate to end your relationship. You’ve been with him, you know him, and you know what to expect from him.

    But is it enough?

    I wrote this article, to help you see that you DO deserve better. You just need to find strength and courage, and to remember that your life is too precious to waste being afraid.


    May you find freedom and faith when you look upwards, and may you trust God to lead you in the right direction.


  34. i’m 25 years old and i’ve been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years and i can honestly say that i am very unhappy. In the beginning i was so blissfully in love but in the last 4.5 years i feel like we haven’t grown as a couple. We do not live together, he neglects to tell his family about me because i am not his fiancee, i have only met his friends once and he’s perfectly content with leaving the country for graduate school and maintaining a long distant relationship until he’s ready for marriage (in a few years). He has yet to meet my family for his own reasons which makes it very uncomfortable during special family dinners when my family often suggest that I’m dating someone invisible. I’ve always longed for the kind of relationship that involved my boyfriend coming over for thanksgiving and christmas dinner or just being close with my family in general but he doesn’t seem to want that. We want completely different things. Over the years he’s become my best-friend and i’ve become so dependent on him as a companion that i’m afraid to be without that company but i also don’t want to settle for less than what i deserve

    1. You don’t deserve that kind of relationship. If you stay with him you most definitely are settling for less. If you see yourself with a man that is going to love you AND your family and wants to spend tI’m with you and your family as well, and he doesn’t want to do it, he’s gotta go. As hard as it is to let go you have to do it for you! You will feel the pain after da breakup like that but you learn more about what you want for your life. You become dependant on yourself (which is the best feeling ever) and you become more confident in you. Don’t let any man hold you back. And better yet, don’t let YOU hold you back. The pain doesn’t last forever and you will run into a man who deserves you.

  35. I am 27 and I have been with my boyfriend almost 8 years. He is older than me and he does not want the same things out of life as I do. He does not believe in love, marriage or having children. It is his rule that we do not meet each other’s friends because he thinks it gets too complicated (ie What if I am friends with one of his friend’s girlfriend and they break up etc.). He does not communicate his feelings very well, he typically just shuts down and becomes silent, which tortures me. He freqently does not want to talk about what is bothering him even though I want to, because I feel communication is so important in a relationship.
    I also feel that he is not compassionate enough, I struggle with anxiety, germ phobia and depression. One time I was having a panic attack (because he was mad at me) and I was hyperventilating so heavily that he could hear me through the door, he came in and said “That is exactly what I mean, you take things too far”. He thinks that I just need to “stop” having my anxiety, and he critizies me frequently.
    I do feel that it is time to move on howerver I am really afraid to leave because I don’t have any friends and am afraid of being alone, and ontop of that I do not drive yet because of my anxiety. I feel very isolated not having friends and not driving.I did make a few friends during this relationship one I decided to stop being friends with her, the other he strongly suggested I stop hanging out with her (which I did).I feel very dependant on him because he drives me everywhere, he is very helpful and generous in some ways.I don’t want to waste more time a relationship that cannot go anywhere.
    he hangs out with he friends at night 3 days out of the work week, then on Saturdays and Sundays he leaves in the morning and stays out for anbout 7-8 hours. All of this makes me feel like his friends have a higher priority to him than me(especially since I don’t hang out with his friends).This is a huge issue for me, I feel as though I am in a pseudo-relationship with him. He is affectionate enough but the only other normal” thing our dynamic is that we are monogamus relationship.

    1. Hi Madison. You need to get your anxiety under control. Rigjt now you’re letting it take over your life. You have to be able to be dependent on yourself and not any man. One of the best feelings in this world is when you can depend on yourself and no one else. It’s nice to have a man you can depend on in a relationship when needed. But to fully depend on him gives him all control over you. It also may have put a huge weight on that man that he doesn’t know how to really handle. If you really want to stay with this man maybe you 2 should seek counseling for your relationship and you yourself should seek counseling for your anxiety. Right now your relationship is out of control. It’s not ok for your boyfriend to be out all the time like that. When in a relationship there’s limits to everything on both his and your end. If you want to stay with him you and him both need to seriously change. You should be happy with yourself first and theN with him. He should be treating you like his queen. And behind every man is a strong woman. Show him you are that strong woman and that you handle your stuff. Start over with yourself. Learn to become more confident in you. You sound like you need to start by finding counseling for your anxiety first and then do something drastic, go get your hair done and get a new edgy modern cut with a new color, get your Brazilian wax, get your mani and pedi and love yourself , feel yourself (meaning feel confident ). Maybe you should even take a break from him and figure yourself out first. Get to know you 1st. You have to know and learn that it’s okay to be by yourself. It’s ok to not have friends. A lot of times friends bring you down anyway. Don’t feel bad for yourself. Persue your career and make money. Be a go getter. This all helps you to be confident in you like never before.

  36. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. At first everything was great. He was everything i had wanted. Said he wanted to settle down and by a family man. Spending time with family was more important than going out and being with friends. Then reality hit. we moved out together with my 3 boys from a previous marriage and all the little things he gladly did when we weren’t living together came to a halt. Weekend trips for his hobby became more and more frequent and longer as time went by. Then we got the bombshell that his 3 girls would be moving in with his full time since their mom was pulled over for her 3rd DUI with 1 of the kids in the car. This rocked our world. Rooms had to be rearranged, house rules modified. And it appeared that the girls were given much more slack because they were “adjusting”. His daughter schemed with her mother to come up with an elaborate story that my son raped her. which caused my 14 year old being arrested and detained without me even talking to him or telling his story. Come to find out she admitted it was all false and they were just trying to get the mom to get placement back. this devastated me. I started going to a therapist, reading self help books,. parenting books. all to figure out what i’ve done wrong. This past month every time my oldest son did something my boyfriend didn’t like he was belittled and verbally abused. It broke my heart to hear this words and i asked my boyfriend to please stop and asked if he would go to therapy or parenting classes because kids need encouragement not harsh words. this past weekend my boyfriends girls were eating in the living room and when they were caught they blamed it on my kid. without even gather info or verifying it was the case he starts calling my kids names and blows up. turns out it was the girls and one of their friends but they were scared to admit it because of how angry he was. This started a huge argument that carried into the next day when i tried to talk to him it was yelling after 10 seconds and i was told he will not change until my lazy kids change. i made the mistake of texting my boyfriend mom thinking she could talk some sense into him. It did’t work. It made it worse and now he tells me he is leaving but on his terms. So I have to live in my house (lease is only my name) till he can get his stuff ready to leave. 3.5 years we have been together. I feel used and abused. It makes my physically sick to be in my house with him there rubbing it in my face he is going to get a nicer place without me and how he is going to attend parenting classes and change for his kids. But for someone reason I am upset that he is leaving? why? why do i still want him? why am i scared to be alone? how do i realize this is for the best?

    1. Please get this man away from your kids ASAP. Put your kids first! He is & already has done damage to them & you need to think about your KIDS FIRST- how does this & how will all this affect them for the rest of their lives? Please get them into therapy,you keep going to therapy- if you can’t afford it, try to go to a women’s shelter & get free counseling because this is abuse. Verbal & mental abuse is abuse & can cause long term effects. You have choices & you need to put yourself first & your kids first. Your kids at this point do not have the choice to be or not be around this man & these manipulative daughters & their mother. It is up to you to protect them. No man is ever worth that. Look into your son’s faces & think about how they must feel around this man. (No he will NOT change- but get worse)

      It won’t be easy but life isn’t easy. Living with an emotional manipulator/ verbal abuser is worse. Think about the DAMAGE HE will cause to all 4 of you in addition to his daughters. That’s a lot of people. He will never change & you can’t love him enough to “fix” him.

      Keep reading this blog & other positive books & get as much info as you can about verbal abuse, domestic violence, controlling men, & so on. Even Pinterest has good info too. For some reason we as women are willing to subject ourselves to less than what we deserve and for what? So we won’t be alone? You know that you deserve better. You must love yourself first & never depend on a man or you will never be in a relationship & be truly happy. You have to step back & look at the situation & ask yourself “what would I tell my sister, best friend, daughter, son, aunt, mom, etc. ?” meaning that: we should listen to that little voice inside because we know that we are worth more & we should not be treated as such. We KNOW when it is wrong because we FEEL it & we would never want (or advise) one of our loved ones to be in the SAME situation.

      Your name is on the lease, call a lawyer or a cop & see if you can have him kicked out? Have a restraining order put against him. Do NOT LET him BULLY you or your sons ANYMORE! That is a sign of a weak man. Pathetic when a man belittles others. Especially children. Do not believe what he says! He is going to parenting class?? GOOD- he NEEDS that & therapy. But watch. ACTIONS speak louder than words. You should not wait though- your sons are MORE IMPORTANT than any man! Make new friends. Get on Internet & find out what options are about the lease situation. YOU are in CONTROL– please do not let him have control anymore. You can do this- you & your boys are MORE than worth it.

  37. I’d like to remain anonymous, but I really want to put my name out…I’m 26 years old, engaged and unhappy. I love my fiancé to death, but I don’t feel as though he does. We have a beautiful chocolate lab and apartment but nothing feels like home. We are engaged because I was on the verge of leaving after three years of just being a girlfriend. He proposed and is hesitant to get married because he’s: finishing his doctorates, doesn’t have money, and wants to pay off all loans. I get it, but that means I have to wait to be married and have a baby at the age of 35 :/… I was okay with this plan until I started noticing that most of my friends were getting married not because they were at the age, but because they really love each other and all they wanted to do was “seal the deal.” In my situation, I feel like marriage has to be on his terms, not ours. He has no friends, and plays video games for two hours when he is bored or stressed out. We don’t have sex because I work, I’m stressed out and I feel lonely. I’m scared of leaving him because I’ve never had a good solid group of friends and I’ve always been in a relationship. I’m in tears writing this because I’m tired of pretending that everything is okay when I know I’m not happy.

  38. Hi, I’ve never done this before. I’ve been reading everyone’s comments and I feel like I can relate so much. I’m young, 25 years old. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 9 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. We had a great relationship until she was born. He seemed to stay stuck in time and not grow up. I’ve been such a great mother and partner. I’ve changed my whole life and dedicated it to them but he just wants to go out and be with his friends. He wants to come home late and be out all the time cause he doesn’t know how to be a family guy. He basically grew up in the streets. He thinks he belongs out in the world just like his life used to be prior to us getting pregnant. I feel so lonely. I’m alone with a two year old at my house waiting for him to come and he never does. He says he wants to change but he doesn’t. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but his actions say something totally different. I’m scared to let go of the only thing I truly know. I love him and want this gs to work but I’m tired of this. I catch anxiety at the thought of him leaving me and my baby. I worked so hard to get us to the place that we are in that I refuse to let go. I’m hurting but I don’t know how to detach myself. I’m being played with mentally everyday. I feel like we are in a roller coaster one day he loves me and another day he wants to be someone else away from me. Help!

  39. I have been in a on and off again relationship with my current boyfriend. I know things are over between us. We don’t communicate anymore for fear of arguing, we rarely have sex (honestly I don’t even desire that with him anymore), and I feel as though we both just go through the motions, but never connect.
    I feel like my problem is I have no family to speak of and moved states away to be with the person. I feel utterly alone and don’t know what to do to make things better. If I weren’t with him, I’d truely be alone….

  40. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Anonymous,

    Thank you for being here – it takes alot of courage to share your feelings about being scared to be alone, but knowing you need to end your relationship. It’s very natural to feel like you have to deal with this all by yourself. It may even feel like nobody else has marriage problems, and you’re the only one who has ever struggled with a difficult or unhappy relationship.

    You’re not alone. Many women feel the same way, and have nowhere to turn. My prayer is that you find hope, faith, and strength to make decisions about your life! May you be courageous and strong.

    I think the first step is to allow yourself to feel embarrassed about your relationship problems. Accept that you wish this wasn’t happening, and that you don’t want to talk about your problems with anyone.

    The next step is to be brave and courageous…and tell someone about your marriage. You need to swallow your pride and share your struggles with someone you trust. If you feel like you can’t tell anyone you know in person, then call a distress line or women’s help line.

    The longer you hide your feelings – the longer you feel ashamed of how you feel about your marriage – the worse it’ll get. Talking about how you feel, saying “I’m scared to be alone but I need to end my relationship” will make you feel better.

    My prayer is that you find someone in person to talk to. I pray for strength, courage, and faith! May you know deep in your heart that when you confide in people and share how you feel, you WILL find healing and ways to move forward. Keeping your relationship problems a secret will only make everything worse. I pray you find the resources you need – counseling, books, people – and the inner fortitude you need to be honest.

    May you reach out for help, and be happily surprised to find help is out there, waiting for you.


  41. Hi , reading some of the comments brought me to tears I hear a little bit of my marriage in each comment. I have been married for 14 years and with my husband 17 years. We fight I would say 2×3 a months we have two boys one 8 and one 3 we no longer sleep with each other and honestly there’s no desire to. I hardly hear I love you, you look nice or anything positive it a lot negative my husband is very hard on the boys. I grew up spoiled I always got what I wanted and was really never thought how to handle money when I met my husband I was still living at home so I had no rent no bills so my work money was play money and I know that this is one of my problems because it’s stil the same but it has become bad on my en. I’m at the point that I have realized that we are done but for some reason I just can’t say it’s over. I don’t know if it’s because I worry he would not have a place to go or if it’s I’m just scared I can’t do it alone or if it’s just being a single mom . I am embarrassed to post this I don’t want to invoke my family because they will judge and don’t want to involve his family and I have know one for advice

  42. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Papillon,

    Thank you for sharing how you feel in your marriage. My prayer is for wisdom and guidance, that you clearly and easily “hear” the right thing to do about your relationship. May you find the right resources to help, whether it’s a support line, a marriage counselor, a book about saving your marriage, or even online counseling for couples. May your husband see how serious his lack of communication is, and how deeply it affects you.

    I pray that you never need to search for the words “scared to be alone but I need to end my relationship” again. My prayer is for healing and connection with your husband, for good discussions that may be difficult but that reset the foundation of love and emotional intimacy between you and your husband. May you and he renew your vows, and recommit to one another. Amen.


  43. Hi! I am 34 and married to a great man, he is loyal, faithfull, takes care of me if i am sick and would drive to the moon and back for me. The thing is he doesn’t express himself, doesn’t talk, will literally sit with my family for dinner and not say one word.. i am being truly honest when i say most of the days all I hear from him is ” morning babe, im off to work” then when I come home ” hi babe” then “love you babe, goodnight”. I’ve expressed to him how I am feeling lonely in our relationship, and he says he understands but is incapable of changing. He was so much more communicative the first year; as soon as we married it completely changed! I am his third marriage and both the previous wives complained about their loneliness in the marriage and he left them for wanting him to change. Its like he is repeating the same story again and is expectating a different result. I truly believe him when he said he would make it different and get communication help. But I know our relationship will get to the same place his two previous one went. And it makes me scare to leave such a great man, i dont know if any guy had truly loved me like he does, but the silence and the nonexisting communication are making me unhappy. Its hard to know what to do…

  44. Dear Steph,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing how you feel. It takes alot of courage to admit that you’re scared to be alone – and that you need to end your relationship.

    I wrote this article for you: http://whenlovebugsyou.com/hope-for-women-stuck-in-a-relationship/

    My prayer is that you find the courage, strength, and support you need to break up with your boyfriend. I pray you feel your fear, AND you still move forward because you know that’s the only way you’ll ever be happy. May you accept that ending your relationship will be painful…but it will also set you free in amazing ways! May your faith, peace, and courage outweigh all the reasons you’re staying in this relationship, and may you find the truth in your heart and soul. Amen.


  45. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years now,we have had a few bumps along the way and recently I have hit a road block. My boyfriend behaves very poorly a lot he chucks temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his way, he gives me death glares when I bring up something he doesn’t want to talk about, he can never communicate properly with me, and he rarely makes me happy anymore. I’ve tried numerous times to work things out with him, but I can’t expect him to change and I know its not right to try to however I can’t find it in my self to break things off, one reason for this is because he lives with me. We are both 18 and living in my mothers house until we move out, the reason he is there is because his father threw him out of the house. I don’t know what I would do about this, I don’t want to chuck him out on his ass but I don’t know how we would be towards each other if I ended things. Another reason is I’m worried no one else would ever love me, I never thought anyone would to begin with unitl my current boyfriend came along. I scared that if I end it with him I’ll be alone forever. My last reason is that i m worried what my friends will think and I know it should only matter what I think its just that we regularly hang out as a big group of 4 me and my bf and our friend and her bf (also a friend). I’m worried that our whole friendship could change due to this. I finding it hard to cope with how I feel and regularly cry because I can’t deal with it efffectivly. I appreciate any advice you can give me on this matter.

  46. Fear can stop us from doing so many healthy, exciting, positive things in our life! It’s so much easier to stay in an unhealthy relationship because we’re scared to be alone. The end of a relationship can be devastating, but it can also be liberating and oh so good for us.

    My prayer is that you find courage, wisdom, and strength to leave this relationship. May your faith and trust overcome all fears you have. May you feel the fear, but move forward anyway because you are empowered and inspired by God. May you connect with Him, and be filled with joy, peace, and comfort. May you know that you will walk in safety if you are tuned in to your Creator.


  47. I have been with a guy for 5years,I love him and he loves me too at least its one thing am sure of,but all over a sudden he changed,he’s treating me like a piece of garbage,he doesn’t know how to communicate, he was sweet and kind to me before but now he talks to me rudely,he says that he is stressed and that I am being a stress to him but the truth is being a stress is that all the time I tell him how much I miss him(is that a stress or a good thing to hear?) am now 5 months unemployed,he has been helping me financially but I feel we are no longer happy,every time I think of cheating him to get happiness but I am not that person at all,we used to share everything but now,he doesn’t tell me anything and am feeling so lonely because when I am into it,I get into someone and forget myself and try to make him as happier as possible, he makes me an option when I make him a priority,I never go out with him in a public place or have lunch with him near his work,all these years he has never introduced me to his family and when I ask why he says that he likes keeping his life personal,I have been patient to all this stuff untill he started talking rudely to me whenever I ask him something,I think am scared to be with other guys when I have spent many years together with him,I am scared of being cheated because he isn’t a cheater and other guys out here are cheaters,I am afraid of losing financial support,I am afraid every time I do wrong things he forgives me but me I get so impatient,but I wanna move on and may be find someone out there who will make me happy,because he loves me but am not happy,and I need to have both,please help me am so confused,what if breaking up with him will be the worst thing to do.I have never been scared like I am right now.oooh God please help me make a good decision

  48. Dear Antonius,

    I don’t believe that nobody else will want you! There isn’t just one person for you to love – your girlfriend isn’t the one for you, but that doesn’t mean that nobody else will love you.

    You’re hanging on to a bad relationship because you’re scared to be alone. You know you need to end this relationship, but you’re afraid of the future.

    Staying with someone out of fear and desperation is no way to live. I know it’s hard to break up – I’ve stayed in bad relationships for a long time, too. It hurts to break up, and there is always the fear that nobody else will love us.

    Your feelings are normal, but they are not TRUE. You are letting your fear and anxiety about the future rule you, instead of taking control of your life and making decisions that are healthy and good for you.

    What if nobody ever loves you again? Is staying in an unhealthy, unloving relationship better than being alone?

  49. Hi I am 31 I have lived with my girlfriend for the last 11 years and I know it’s over but I am afraid that nobody else wants me and I don’t want to leave her

  50. Dear anonymous,

    Thank you for being here, and for sharing a glimpse into your life. I wrote this article for you:


    I know you didn’t say you want to forgive yourself for anything, but that’s what came to my mind when I read your comments. You’re a smart woman, and you know you need to end your relationship. It’s okay to be scared to be alone!

    I think you’re smarter, stronger, and healthier than you think you are.


  51. I’ve been “with someone” since I was 12. I’m now 21 and have a daughter with my latest and not-so-greatest boyfriend. It’s ridiculous. I have no idea how to function on my own, yet here I am trying to start my own business. I’m stupid for doing that, I know. But I have a list of high standards a mile long for how to raise my daughter and I can’t live up to them because I’m insecure and stupid. Her dad has a very unhealthy brain, more unhealthy than mine, and I’ve tried to get him to do a healing program with me but he doesn’t think he has a problem. Yes, he’s a pot head alcoholic who only thinks of himself. All I wanted was to prove to my parents that I could bring home somebody respectable….lo and behold they liked this guy. Sick. They had such high standards for me, then gave up on them once I proved my stubbornness by trying to jump from a moving car.

  52. Thanks for being here, Kim. It’s definitely easier to keep going instead of changing your whole life! It takes a lot of time, energy, and courage to end a relationship.

    But…what’s the alternative? Staying in a life that makes you unhappy? What kind of life is that?

  53. My husband and I have been together 11 years. There have been ups and downs for sure. We had a silly fight last night and now he is moving out. Part of me feels okay about it but I am scared of being alone and being able to make it financially. He means a lot to me but is a negative person and he is very tough on the kids. Maybe the kids & I will be better off. It is easier to just stay with someone and put up with things you shouldn’t than flip your whole life? Thank you for your articles and website.

  54. Dear Luba,

    It sounds like you and your partner love each other, but don’t know how to build a healthy, happy relationship. You are aware of the problem – a lack of communication – but neither of you know how to fix it.

    Have you tried couples counselling? That may be helpful, as it’ll give you an objective perspective on your relationship.

    I notice you commented on this article, about being scared to be alone but needing to end your relationship. Do you think this is true for you? You know it’s over, but you’re scared to move on?

    Stay true to you,

  55. We have been together for almost 10 years. We have gone through so many ups and downs and we still love eachother a lot, however just about a year ago we broke up and he moved out. We had no contact for several months, but then started talking again and decided we wanted to give this our ultimate try, and know in order for our relationship to succeed we both have to put in a lot of effort. We rented a house and within 3 months of living in it are constantly fighting for the past month. I feel as if I am pulling my weight, and have stuck to all the things promised on my end to make it work, however he is just falling back into his old habits. We have a serious lack of communication, and anytime I try to talk to him he just bottles it all in and storms off and doesn’t take to me for days, then apologizes and nothing is discussed. I tried writing him a letter the last time to put all my feelings out there, he read the letter and said he would work on it, but within a few days we are fighting again. I feel as if I should finally give up on this relationship, but at the same time still love him so much. We went through so much to make it work again, I feel dooped that I believed anything he told me. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

  56. Dear Lisa,

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts here! You’re an insightful, courageous, smart woman. I believe that you will find the balance between giving yourself to a healthy relationship, and keeping the most important parts of yourself intact.

    Keep writing, and keep believing in yourself.


  57. My husband and I are finally realizing our marriage is over.
    I think I mainly am with him because of my own insecurities anyway. It was really a doom destined marriage. He was probably never the husband kind of guy. He likes women too much. I guess I don’t blame him. Many women are attractive. He has a hard time with his eyes wandering! He has gotten better. He used to be into so much porn, going to strip clubs and getting into sex groups online. Most of his friends have been female so I am honestly surpised he even noticed someone like me. I am quiet, reserved and very introverted,
    excpet when it comes to writing. I can write like Jim Carey, Robin Williams or Eddie Murphy can joke! I love writing and it’s my whole world. I love bringing others into this world. Maybe he liked the innocent girl thing he saw in me. I was the real thing. I had been raped at age 3 or 4 so it was no act. I really did not know much about sex and did not like it much. It was a hard issue for me to work through and I have been in counseling on and off for my own insecurities of the abuse and psychological effects it’s had on me through out my life. I was raped numerous times in adult life as well. Men just used me for my body and quite frankly, I got used to even co workers or bosses raping or touching me inappropriately.
    I think the thing that drew me to Isaac was his sensitivity to
    respecting me and not wanting to have sex unless I was ready or wanted it.

    He also was a more domineering type which I liked at
    first. This is from his time being in the military in the US Army! It felt like he was strong and could protect me. Guys never messed with me when I was with him and I liked the feel, but slowly it has turned from a Blessing to a curse of feeling like I am not even there or alive. I feel like people only notice him whenever we go out in public and it makes me feel like my opinions or thoughts or words do not matter. He says I can join the conversation, but I am very soft spoken and he is loud especially in certain situations. Usually I am never heard. I guess this is more my fault than his but I just have to feel like i am shouting in order to be even heard. I guess this is also why I like writing better. People listen. When we try to talk about our problems with each other, it never comes out right. I just feel like we need to separate. We get into big arguments and sometimes it gets physical. He can get my blood boiling sometimes in a way no other person ever has before. He will hurt, push or belittle or hit and then I will shove him or bite him to get him off me.

    I have a fear of being alone, but sometimes I think that is exactly what we need. I do not feel I am that bad of a person, but I also do not like being with someone who is going to turn me into a monster, too! I still love my sweet nature and do not want to lose that part of me. I don’t want to be a door mat either, though.

    I just want to be me and not be scared or fearful of being raped every two seconds because I happen to be a friendly person who loves wearing dresses and just because someone stands by the bus waiting to get a ride, does not mean they are a hooker or want to be touched in a seductive way! I have come to hate men, because of how many have treated me!

    I do not want to be a lesbian, but I have never been messed with, violated or abused half as bad with a female as I have with men and it is disgusting to think like that, but that’s what I have realized as truth! I know there may be some good men out there which I can probably count on one or two hands. I am about to give up on the whole concept of “Love” and just have female companions like I did most of my high school years, having love of males mainly as a state of mind thing or fantasy day dream than anything that can become a reality, because love and romance is so much more enticing within the confinements of my mind than in real life!

  58. Hi Brandon,

    Thanks for being here! It sounds like you know you should let your girlfriend go because you don’t love her the way she (and you) deserve to be loved.

    Yet, you can’t break up with her because she’s your security blanket. And the truth is, you may not find someone who loves you the way she does. She has accepted and loved you through a lot of bad choices on your part…and I actually hope she comes to her senses soon! I think her love is doing a disservice to you both. You both deserve a healthier perspective on life. You’re both settling for less than you deserve.

    You’re young, and obviously desirable (after all, those girls cheated with you!). Let your girlfriend go, encourage her to find someone who treats her better. You’re using her — and that’s not nice.


  59. Dear Laurie,

    My name is Brandon, and I’ve been in an on/off relationship for 3 years now. Started dating in high school and now we are 20. I cheated on her a lot before and we discussed it, she wanted to work through it, so I felt very loved that someone would want to do this for me, for us. So I clinged on, and now we argue ALL the time, and can’t seem to get anything right. I admit that I am partly at fault for not meeting her halfway as much as I should, but so does she. We discussed how to improve our relationship many times lately, and it’s just not working out. I lover her deeply, but I don’t think I’m in love with her anymore.

    I’m afraid to be alone because I feel like I won’t ever find someone who loves me as much as she does. but at the same time I like the idea of embracing the unknown.



  60. Dear Nette,

    I’m so sorry you buried your baby son, and that your marriage ended. I can only imagine how difficult it is, to have life so dramatically different now than it was when you first got married. You’ve been through so much.

    I think you’re very wise, to embrace this stage of your life. It is necessary – you’re right – and if you accept it, it’ll help you move towards healthier relationships. And happiness and peace!

    I wish you peace and happiness. May you find it in your life. Make connections that fill you with the beauty and wonder of life, and help you cope with the fear of being alone.

    Blessings and hugs,

  61. hello ms. adventurouswriter..i stumbled upon your website and love it. i am feeling fearful of being alone too. i buried my 2 year old son, divorced my husband within 4 months apart. my oldest daughter lives in another state and my 2nd oldest child is getting ready to leave the nest too. so yes, i’ve been feeling a bit scared of being by myself although i know it’s something that is needed at this time. i will do my best to embrace this time in my life as a necessity so i can move toward healhty relationships. i will resume back to journaling too. it was very helpful. once again, thanks for information you share on your wesbite

  62. Dear Nanes,

    Thank you for being here! It sounds like you’re at the end of your rope with your marriage.

    Do you really want to leave him? Sometimes relationships go through ups and downs, which are normal. If you and he haven’t tried marriage counseling – or if you haven’t talked your feelings through with sometime you trust – then maybe that might be worth doing.

    I wrote this article for you:

    You Don’t Love Him But Can’t Leave Him – What Do You Do?

    I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts!


  63. Dear Anna,

    Thank you for sharing your experiences here. It sounds like you’ve been feeling stuck in your relationship for a long time.

    I agree with you, that medications for panic attacks aren’t the solution. But I strongly believe that getting professional support will help you move forward in a way you can’t do alone.

    I wrote this for you:


    It’s important to remember that the most difficult, painful decisions in our lives are the ones that are the most right for us. Easy decisions – like choosing to stay in your relationship because it’s easier than disrupting your whole life and hurting someone you care for – don’t bring the same level of pain.

    I hope the article helps, and welcome your thoughts.


  64. I’ve been in this relationship for 7 years. 6 of those years we lived together. we now have a 2 year old son. In the past he has cheated on me (a lot). now he’s being faithful and I’m sooo over him. i keep telling myself if i had a job that could allow me to pay rent on my own then i would break it off and i also sit and think about everything i need him for. I don’t like for him to touch me and his presence annoy me. i just feel if my life was in a better place he wouldn’t even be in it. I NEED HELP!!!!!!!

  65. I am 40 years old. I’ve been in a serious relationship for the past 9 years with “Al”. We’ve been living together for 4 years. I have a 15 yr. old from my first marriage. For the last 6 years, I have been doubting whether I want to be with Al. About 6 months ago, we broke up for just 2 days, and I experienced my first horrible and frightening panic attack. I was physically ill and had no emotional control. Because of that panic attack, I continue to be with Al. I don’t want to experience that loss of control again. I know it’s because I have experienced much loss in my past. I know that I can probably see a doctor and take meds. But I’m so afraid to go through it again. I won’t be able to work or take care of my daughter. I will feel the loss and pain again. No one knows how I feel. I have a great career, live in a nice area, take good care of myself, etc. But I can’t take the step to leave Al. He would be devastated. But look at us, 9 years, and no marriage, never bought a house, no kids. He’s a wonderful and kind man. I’m not in love with him. I never was. I’ve become so accustomed to this limbo life. It’s wrong I know. Year after year, i promise myself that the relationship will end. I’m so disappointed in myself. I feel weak. But on the outside, no one would ever know. I fear having the talk with him, feeling the pain, seeing him pack things up, feeling the loss of him for days, wondering if I made the right decision. Too much to bear sometimes. Any words of advice would be much appreciated.

    1. I feel as though I’m going through the same situation you’re in…only mine is barely five years, a ring on my finger, but he has no desire to even think of a wedding. I’ve broken up a couple of times with my fiancé and I think the last time I did I had the same panic attack. Omg it was horrible. I’m tears right now thinking about it. I wish you were close by I would have invited you to have drinks and discuss this..you do not deserve to be like this and I hope when you leave “Al”you can share your outcome and advice for me because I think I’m going into the same mess as you are :/ stay strong

  66. i would like to try and work out why i give so much in a realationship and i get very little in return emotionaly
    Im always worrying and cant for the life of me understand how this person who says he loves me so much but after a row he will ignore me for weeks at a time then all of a sudden he acts in a desperate way and will go to all lengths to get intouch and proclaim his dying love for me.
    After 3 years of this same old routine i no in my heart not to go back and get back on the merry go round yet i do every time

  67. I think I’m gonna end my relationship now. After months of trying to be with this guy, he has always failed me. He still talks to his ex as if there are in relationship (wrong on my part to read his messages) and he says he stopped seeing her while ago before meeting me but they exchange messages daily. I agree it started off on a wrong note we’d physical relationship with me in long distance relationship with someone else. But as soon as i realized I loved him, I had reduced my conversations with my ex. But I’ve been trying and trying all this while just to hear 3 days ago that I meant nothing to him all this while and his ex is altogether a different and important person to him. Seems he took it as “Friends with benefits” and I just got entangled to much into him emotionally. He says he needs time off we live in same house and its been 3 days already it is difficult and I have a gut feeling nothing is going to be good again. I am just trying to get to terms that he doesn’t care or feel anything about me. so its better to call it quits maybe.

  68. Dear Casey,

    You DO deserve to be treated with love and respect! I admire you for feeling anxious and scared, yet you are thinking about ending your relationship. That takes alot of courage and strength, and I hope you realize that you are an amazing woman. You CAN get more out of your life, and you deserve to be in a relationship that makes you feel happy, healthy, and whole.

    You cannot change him, but you can change how you respond to him. And sometimes the best response is being scared to be alone, but ending the relationship anyway.

    I wish you all the best, and will keep you in my prayers!


  69. I’m very anxious to leave him. We have spent almost every day together the past year and a half, but he hurts my feelings too much and doesn’t respect me. He is not an intimate person and I thought I could live with it but I can’t. I deserve to be told I’m pretty, to be hugged, and kissed. We all deserve that. I am putting myself out there and going on a date. When I told him, he seemed fine but he was quieter. We will see if his true feelings come out about it.
    he expects me to just know his feelings and decides when we are in a relationship and when it best benefits him to say if we are together or not. Im 25 years old and need to start my life now. i have a lot of positive experiences with him, but the bad ones are really bad and still hurt. He could be so much more if he would open up. Such a waste, I feel so much anxiety when I think our routine together will be ending, but i have no choice. I’m not happy enough. I’m not getting what I deserve and he won’t provide it for me. I hope he can still be some part of my life, such as a friend. I fell hard for his charming exterior. Deep down he is very dark, almost scary. 🙁 be strong my loves!

  70. I have been married for 27 years. We have two children and one still living at home. I have always felt alone since the beginning. I feel it’s over between us. There have been things that I look back on that just tore me apart inside making me loose all respect for my husband. I haven’t seen or spoken to my daughter for three years and I think it has a lot to do by some of the things he has done. He would rather listen to a bar maid then to me when it comes to discussing anything. We hardly ever talk. I figure why talk to a wall. I’m afraid to leave. I have never lived on my own before, I’ve never had a career. I’m an artist and can do several things. But no schooling or my own income to back me up. I chose to stay home and raise my kids.

    I feel like I am literally dying here. When my husband is home I basically hide in my room.

    Please help!


  71. So yeah I am a dude and I am looking for advice. I was married for 13 years we have one child who is 4. May I had enough and asked for a divorce. I am terrified to be alone and I think it is why I stayed in the marriage for so long. It should have been over only 2-3 years in. I am worried about what if something happens to me and I can’t work, can’t shop, can’t cook? What if something happens and no one finds me for days or weeks? How am I going to keep my child happy when she is with me or fed health meals she likes? Is my child going to even want to spend time with me? How will I ever find someone else to be with or will I ever? I think I masked over these fears by instantly reaching out on-line to what ever dating sites I could find and talking to who ever would talk to me. I am told I am not an unattractive guy and I am funny and very likable (if I believe that its a different story), so finding ladies to talk to wasn’t hard to do. But now only a few months from the divorce I find myself in a relationship in which I want out of and now the fears come back. What will I do all by myself on the weekends when my daughter is not around? At nights when home alone? I don’t do the bar thing and don’t want to start. I live in a small town of only 6k people, I don’t want to move because I want to stay close to my child. I work in an office of all dudes who are married and are not wanting to go hang out some place. I am getting older now too. I never believed before getting my divorce the whole “there are lots of fish in the sea” but there is. How do I know when the right fish has found me or me them? I don’t want to go through another 13 years of not being happy. I realy find it hard to hurt someones feelings and tell them it is over. But I did ask for the divorce and even now I wonder if that was the right choice. And now how do I break up with my current relationship, she is making plans months down the road already. I look forward to having free time until I am in it and don’t know what to do with it. I have hobbies but they are hard to enjoy alone. I am a very communicative person who will I talk to? I am not expecting answers to these questions or to ever see responses to this post, I guess I am venting. I feel like I want to go back to my marriage for my childs sake but I know that is wrong for me or feel like it is but then i feel like we might work it out, not sure. I think the biggest thing to keep me from feeling lonely is someone to talk to, whenever the need arises. Anyway thanks for letting me vent. Have a nice day

    1. I see where you’re coming from. Marriage, as of now, sounds scary but I know that it’s different for everyone. Do you have any friends? Do you have close family near you? You really love your daughter but it would make her sad knowing dad is pulling through a difficult marriage just for her. Because you are getting divorced doesn’t mean you don’t love your daughter- and you can always explain it that way to her when she has doubts. All the actions that you have done to make her happy because you want to will show and she will see it. If you’re a very social guy or someone who is talkative I think you’re able to get up and find things to do 🙂

  72. With my situation, I am wanting to throw the towel with my husband. Yeah, we both have made mistakes but he is unwilling to sacrifice. I am willing to go to financial and marriage counseling to save our marriage. He wants everything his way or the highway. He has no clue on what a husband does and looks like, but wants rule the coup. At least get with some other men that have been married awhile and get advice from them. No, he knows everything! He has no goals, no motivations to be something, but it’s my fault that he is that way.

    I’m stressed right now because I have one year left in the Army. My goal is to pay all of my personal debt off. Even though I don’t have a lot of cash after I pay everything, my husbands check (unemployment and college) make up for it. But he feels like I should pay all of my personal debt, and the rent, and food, etc. He threatens me all the time about leaving. My house isn’t in his name, but we have the apartment lease, TV, and washer and dryer in our names. Plus I am in the Army still, because my husband is a civilian now, even if he decides to never get a job and leaves, I have to pay him $700 per month because he is my dependent.

    I love my husband and want things to change, but I am so miserable. He can be very selfish and I don’t think he fully comprehends the meaning of marriage. My parents have been married for 31 years while his mom and step-dad are divorced and live together. But I am the dysfunctional, cold-hearted one?!?

    I just want to finish my Army time and know if my husband is really going to stay or going back to live with his mother. I know that if we didn’t work out, I would still be ok. I might have some bills still, but I already own a house, so I have a place to stay, I have lots of experience in different skills, so I am not worried about a job and I’m working on my B.A. in Business. And I’m close to my parents, so if I need anything, I have that support.

  73. My boyfriend im with is an x drug addict . I feel inlove with him bc of his big heart. Hes been sober almost a year im not a drug user… I took a drug charge for him
    and now I have a felony on my record we’ve been together for almost a year now he’s getting high again and it’s hard for me to leave him what do I do I look at his face when were sleeping in heat looks so beautiful and I feel like I just wasted a whole year of my life on him and I am very afraid to be alone

  74. Im in a relastionship of 1 year and 6 months, i feel like he wont commitment to me, ive been telling him for months that i need something to prove we will be getting married one day but he wont do it.. so i left him and im broken. i love him and have been threw way to much with him, and i just want to be happy and im not happy, ive grown to hate the person i love so much, i dont know what to do anymore.. is it worth feeling so low, i hate sharing a bed with a person i cant stand;.

    1. @ Kayla- I’ve been where you are, like four years ago. It’s never easy and I hated hearing “it’s better when you just leave him.” I ignored that advice until I really had it. I realized this person was controlling me and I was not doing anything about it. It went from love to hate quick under a year. I felt like a crazy woman talking to myself about deserving something better than what I was living with. It turns out, my self talks were a sign that I was suffering and I needed to get out of that situation. I moved back with my parents, saved some money from my paychecks and moved out. Being alone was the worst feeling but I had the chance to focus on my self for once. I really believe that you can do it.

  75. my husband and i are having a bad communication..its a long story why this happened, to sum it all up,,my husband said he doesnt love me anymore,but i still want him back after we both had mistakes, and i can feel some if the ‘i don’t love you ‘ part is true,but still he is mean to me especially when he’s with his “ne found friends” at work,im very confuse why he acts and treats me like i am a nobody. we were friends since high school and we got married 10 yrs ago,we have 2 beautiful daugthers and we separated 3 yrs ago…i hope to find some answers because this situation im in makes my everyday life miserable..i still, maybe in the deepest part of my heart wants him back…

  76. @ dana, you are worrying about the wrong thing. dont worry about if he will be happy with someone else. worry about making yourself happy. I’ll assume you base your happiness on your spouse’s happiness. Been there, done that. let’s just say it didnt end well. i’m not saying your situation is just like mine, but but sounds familiar. Make Yourself Happy. try it, it’s a Good Thing.

  77. im currently in a going on a 2 year relationship with a man who is rather older than me but thats not the issue. When we first started seeing eachother i was on cloud nine always smiling when he came around me. I had a really strong love for him, But over the months we broke up here and there had or fights but this last break up that lasted 3 months kinda just took everything good i seen in him in the begining and chunked it out the window. Im still living with him its been pretty much a year since that “spat”… I thought that maybe if i gave it time the feelings would come back and everything would get better, But it hasnt. we argue so much i dont like sceaming at him the way i do he just makes me so mad tho, i have went an intire week just telling myself i need to end this i cant even stand his skin touching mine while we lay in bed anymore. He says his love for me is strong but for me its just not there anymore… im really scared to move out because i have no high school deploma, no job, Nothing i dont know how im going to do it…

  78. He doesn’t trust me but takes me on romantic road trips…and plan ahead for others…. what do you think that means… he makes comments that he don’t trust me but does things like road trips for me and he says its for me….

  79. In a relationship on and off for almost 6 years…. not happy some times…but I’m not afraid to be alone but afraid of him being happy with someone else…help me what should I do?