You know deep down your boyfriend doesn’t love you, but you just can’t break free. Here’s how to be with a man who doesn’t care about you. This relationship advice was inspired by a reader who feels “addicted” to her boyfriend but knows he doesn’t love her the way she loves him…
My boyfriend and I broke up after a bad fight,” says Natasha on When You’re Addicted to a Person – 4 Ways to Break Free. “We stopped talking to each other for a few weeks. He got a new girlfriend for four weeks, then he broke up with her. Now we’re seeing each other again. He doesn’t treat me bad but he doesn’t care about me. He is quite negative. I know he is not the right one for me. My boyfriend also said that I shouldn’t take our relationship so seriously because he doesn’t want to hurt me again…but I can’t stop myself from needing to be with him. It’s not about lust. I am really addicted to staying with my boyfriend and sleeping in his arms. Please help me get out of this relationship mess! How do I be with a man who doesn’t care about me?”
The way I see it, you have two choices:
- Stay with this guy who doesn’t care about you and keep feeling bad about yourself
- Find ways to be strong, learn how to STOP being with a man who doesn’t care about you, and rebuild your life
Since I can’t encourage you to stay in an unhealthy relationship (option #1), my tips are focused on learning how to live without a boyfriend who doesn’t care about you (option #2). The healthiest way through this quagmire of pain and despair is to find your way to the light, love, and freedom.
How to Be With a Man Who Doesn’t Care About You
You know what? You can do this! You CAN find ways to be happy, whole, and healthy without your boyfriend. You can learn how not to be with a man who doesn’t care about you. You are a valuable, lovable, smart woman who deserves to be with a man who cares about you and loves you for who you are.
And you are more loved than you could ever know. Keep reading, and you’ll see what I mean…
Face the truth: he does not love or care about you
Yes, it’s painful and sad to admit that the man you love doesn’t care about you. It hurts really bad.
My heart breaks for you. I know what it feels like not to be loved the way you want and need to be loved. It is heartbreaking and lonely, especially if you’re scared or worried you’ll never meet someone new. It’s terrible to be rejected by a man you love. It’s devastating to admit to yourself that your boyfriend doesn’t care about you.
But if you want to heal and move on from this unhealthy relationship, you must face the truth. You have to admit it so you can start moving forward in your life. Write about it in your journal – describe how it feels to admit that the man you love doesn’t care about you. Pour out your pain and disappointment, your grief and heartache. Admitting the truth to yourself will help you heal.
If you think you’re all alone, read 8 Signs He Doesn’t Love You the Way You Want to Be Loved – especially the comments section. You, my girl, are not the only woman who is learning how to be with a man who doesn’t care about you.
Notice what you tell yourself
In her comment above, Natasha said she can’t stop herself from needing to be with her boyfriend. “I know he is not the right man for me,” she said. She’s already completed step #1: her brain has admitted the truth to herself.
But her heart hasn’t accepted it. She says her boyfriend doesn’t care about her. Her boyfriend says he doesn’t care about her. Natasha’s brain knows that her boyfriend isn’t lying: he really does not care about her, and he is telling her to learn how to be without him. But Natasha’s heart is refusing to admit the truth to herself.
Are you like Natasha? Maybe you’re telling yourself that you can’t learn how to be without your boyfriend, or that your love is strong enough to hold this relationship together. Maybe you’re praying for his love to develop or grow; maybe you just can’t face the thought of being alone. But you will will never be able to move on if you keep telling yourself that you’re “addicted to his love” or you “can’t live without him.” Those are lies that keep you stuck in a damaging, destructive relationship with a man who doesn’t care about you.
Learn why you’re staying with a man who doesn’t care about you
It’s not about being addicted to your boyfriend. You can’t be addicted to a person – though I know it feels like you are! You’re dependent on him, you’re getting something from this relationship, and you want your boyfriend to be something he’s not. You’re staying with him – and you’re searching for tips on how to be with a man who doesn’t care about you – because you’re afraid of pulling yourself away from this relationship.
Why are you staying with a man who doesn’t love you? Write down at least three reasons or benefits you’re getting from this relationship. What is your boyfriend doing for you? What are you doing to yourself by staying with him? What is this relationship costing you? How is this relationship affecting your life? Other relationships? Self-esteem?
Learn how to let go of a man who doesn’t care about you
In How to Let Go of Someone You Love, I encourage readers to learn how to live without the people they love most. I wrote this ebook for myself, when I had to let go of someone I loved very very much.
This ebook isn’t just my advice – it’s a compendium of more than 75 action tips for healing and moving on after any type of loss in your life. After my breakup, I read books about moving on when a relationship ends, interviewed relationship counselors about letting go of love, and talked to grief experts about healing after a breakup. I put everything I learned into the ebook so I could help others move forward in their own lives.
Facing the truth about your boyfriend’s feelings for you is the only way to start healing and rebuilding your life.
Find your power and source of strength
Remember that I said “you are more loved than you could ever know”? It’s the truth: God loves you deeply and unconditionally. He created you and is right here with you. He won’t protect you from pain or heartache, but He will bring you through it…if you trust Him. Take a deep breath, look up, and allow the engine that runs the universe to fill you with His love and power. You will find the freedom you need to let go of destructive relationships if you learn how to trust God.
If you want to learn how to be with a man who doesn’t care about you, you need to find a deep unquenchable source of strength, love, and power. You can’t do this alone. Nobody is strong enough to let go and heal from broken love all by themselves. You know this is true – that’s why you’re searching for advice and help on how to be with a man who doesn’t love you! You need support…and the best, strongest, most durable source of support is Him.
Learn what “love addiction” is
“Love addiction is a compulsive, chronic craving and/or pursuit of romantic love in an effort to get our sense of security and worth from another person,” writes Ann Smith in How to Break the Pattern of Love Addiction on the Psychology Today website. “During infatuation we believe we have that security only to be disappointed and empty again once the intensity fades. The negative consequences [of holding on to a man who doesn’t care about you] can be severe, and yet the love addict continues to hang on to the belief that true love with fix everything.”
Smith adds that the causes of love addiction are fairly easy to identify: inadequate or inconsistent nurturing, low self esteem, absence of positive role models for committed relationships and indoctrination with cultural images of perfect romantic love and happily ever after endings.
So, how do you learn how to be with a man who doesn’t care about you? You find ways to increase your self-esteem, improve your feelings of self-worth, and find positive examples of healthy committed relationships.
Rebuild your self-worth and own your power!
Yes, you CAN listen to the truths that your boyfriend is telling you. Yes, you CAN stop yourself from wasting your time, energy, and life on your boyfriend. And yes, you can live without this man. Women all over the world are living happy and healthy lives without your boyfriend…and so can you.
You may not feel strong enough right now to learn how to be with a man who doesn’t love you. Give yourself time. Sometimes it takes a few days, weeks, or even months of preparation and planning before you actually make a healthy decision.
You know you’re tearing yourself down by staying in this relationship. You know you deserve better, and that you’re wasting your love on this man. You need to find ways to get strong, whether it’s by reading books that teach you how to grieve and let go of love or by trying new things in your life that help you build self-confidence and self-esteem. Maybe you need to spend time with people who love and support you, or you need to take a solo weekend retreat on your own. Maybe you’ll even renew your relationship with God, and see the possibilities for your life that only He can give you.
You’ll find yourself again. It will be hard, but it’ll be worth it.
Help letting go of a man who doesn’t care about you
In Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love, Pia Mellody, Andrea Wells Miller, and J. Keith Miller unravel the intricate dynamics of unhealthy love relationships and show us how to let go of toxic love.
Through twelve-step work, exercises, and journal-keeping, Facing Love Addiction compassionately and realistically outlines the recovery process for Love Addicts, and Mellody’s fresh perspective and clear methods work to comfort and motivate all those looking to establish and maintain healthy, happy relationships.
Here’s what one reader says:
“From time to time, during recovery from love addiction, painful feelings will surface. They are triggered by whatever or whomever you’re dealing with day to day. When I was in a relationship, it was hard because I couldn’t get away easily to process the triggered feelings. Facing Love Addiction offers suggestions that are good, but not that easy to do for me. Now that I’m not in that addictive relationship, I’ve followed my therapist’s suggestion to identify the triggering event, the root cause (usually from my childhood), and replace the painful feeling with thoughts, words, and deeds that make me feel better. This 3-step process takes tremendous discipline because many times I just want to stick to my lifelong habit of self-pity, depression, and pessimism. But it works to help me overcome feeling addicted to love.”
In Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He’ll Change, Robin Norwood helps women understand why they hold on to men who don’t care about them.
- Do you find yourself attracted again and again to troubled, distant, moody men—while “nice guys” seem boring?
- Do you obsess over men who are emotionally unavailable, addicted to work, hobbies, alcohol, or other women?
- Do you neglect your friends and your own interests to be immediately available to him?
- Do you feel empty without him, even though being with him is torment?
Then you need to read this book. You’ll learn how to recognize the roots of your destructive relationship patterns and get a step-by-step guide to a more rewarding way of living and loving. This is an especially good book to learn how NOT to be with a man who doesn’t love you, and how to move forward in healthy and happy ways.
If you’re ready to think about breaking up with your boyfriend and moving on, read How to Leave a Man You Love – But Can’t Live With.
What do you think of these tips and resources? While I can’t offer advice on how to be with a man who doesn’t love you, I do read every comment. I encourage you to respond to other readers’ comments if you feel led, and to share your experience. Writing often brings clarity and insight, and can help you process your feelings.
Your thoughts are welcome below! I don't give advice, but you can get free relationship help from marriage coach Mort Fertel.