Even if you’re married or in a good relationship, you’ll still struggle with feelings of being unloved and unwanted. It’s normal, because even the best man in the world can’t fill the emptiness – and neither can marriage, children, a good career, or money. That’s the bad news.
But wait, there’s good news! I have lots of ideas for coping when you feel like nobody loves or understands you. I was inspired to write this article by a reader who is struggling with feeling unloved and unwanted by her boyfriend. She gave him everything, and he still didn’t love her.
“I revolved my entire life around my relationship,” said Nan on What to Do When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Want You Anymore. “I gave my boyfriend all I had. I tried to fix him. So many bad things happened to him and I tried to be his rock, his strength. I wanted to show my boyfriend that I truly loved him. And he used my love to take advantage of me. He pushes me away, and I’m left feeling unloved and unwanted. What do I do?”
What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you read Nan’s comment? I was struck by how completely and fully she dedicated herself to her boyfriend. She committed her life to him because she loved him and wanted him to be happy. She tried to be everything to him…and yet she still felt unloved and unwanted in her relationship.
Nan is a loving, kind, compassionate woman who just wanted to love her boyfriend and be loved in return. There is nothing wrong with that! It’s normal and healthy to want to be in a good relationship or marriage.
The problem comes when you dedicate your whole life to a man, and you expect him to do the same. The problem comes when you expect more than a relationship can give.
When You Feel Unloved and Unwanted
Every person’s relationship is different. Every woman’s needs and personalities are different. This means there is no single answer for what to do when you’re feeling unloved and unwanted by your boyfriend or husband – or if you’re in love with an emotionally unavailable man.
This what I do when I’m feeling unloved and unwanted. Give each tip some thought. Maybe write about it, or even pray about it. Take time to really reflect on why you feel unloved and unwanted by your boyfriend, and what you’ve done in the past to overcome those feelings.
Remind yourself that a man can’t fill the emptiness in your heart
We were created with an aching emptiness in our heart, spirit, and soul. This emptiness is normal, it’s just part of being human. God created us to love and glorify Him, not to dedicated our lives to a person, relationship, family or career! We were created for a specific purpose, and it’s not to fix our boyfriends or serve our husbands or sacrifice our lives for our relationships.
Boyfriends, husbands, and relationships are good and healthy parts of life. But they can’t be the reason we get up in the morning. Men are awesome and I love being married, but I don’t expect my husband to make me happy. I expect to feel unloved and unwanted because people are human. Husbands and boyfriends make mistakes, they say the wrong thing, they hurt and disappoint us…and they follow their hearts. And so do we.
Expect to experience times of feeling unloved and unwanted
Here’s more of Nan’s story:
“My boyfriend started to push me away. I knew it was coming because I was feeling unloved and unwanted for three years. He said he didn’t want a relationship and we never say goodbye in person because he was too busy. He didn’t have time for me, but he’s not too busy to be all over social media….I spend 90% of my days crying and wishing I was gone. I have a perfect son, I have a lot to be thankful for, I know that. But I can’t see through this.”
Feeling unlovable after a breakup is normal – we expect to be heartbroken and sad when we’re recovering from the loss of a relationship. But it hurts to feel unloved and unwanted in a relationship while it’s actually happening…but the truth is that even the best relationships and marriages involve times of feeling unloved, unwanted, and alone. If you’re aware of this difficult truth, you can prepare yourself to walk through the dry spells without losing yourself.
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Fill your life with the love you were created to receive
I grew up feeling unloved and unwanted; my mom is schizophrenic, I didn’t meet my dad until I was almost 30 because he lives in Israel, and I was in and out of foster care for most of my childhood. I had to learn how to deal with feelings of being unloved and unwanted my whole life, not just with my boyfriends or husband.
And I dealt with it the wrong way. I was desperate for love, yet I didn’t know how to give or receive it. I felt unlovable and unworthy, yet I didn’t know how to heal or get emotionally healthy. I didn’t know what to do when I felt unloved, so I ate. It took me a long time to learn that I can’t find love in food – or even men.
For me, the only solution is Jesus. In fact it’s the only way any of us can experience true love and worthiness! We were created to glorify God, and no matter how good or healthy or long your relationship or marriage is, you will experience times of feeling unloved and unwanted. But those times will be fewer and less painful when you have a personal relationship with Jesus.
When you feel unloved and unwanted, look up. How are you responding to God’s call on your heart? Are you putting all your time and energy into your relationship or marriage?
Maybe these feelings of being unloved and unwanted by your boyfriend are signs that it’s time to open your heart and mind to a bigger, better, more beautiful love. Maybe God is calling you into a greater, deeper, more amazing love that surpasses all the love you could ever hope to experience in a relationship.
Your thoughts – big and little – are welcome below! Writing is one of the best ways to discover what you really think and feel. Take time to stop and listen to the still small voice, and you will start healing and moving forward.
I read every comment, but don’t worry: I won’t give advice or tell you what to do. It’s your turn to talk.
With His love,
P.S. If your boyfriend or husband doesn’t just make you feel unloved and unwanted, he actually says he doesn’t love you, read How to Cope When He Says He’s Not in Love With You.
Laurie's "She Blossoms" Books
Growing Forward When You Can't Go Back offers hope, encouragement, and strength for women walking through loss. My Blossom Tips are fresh and practical - they stem from my own experiences with a schizophrenic mother, foster homes, a devastating family estrangement, and infertility.
How to Let Go of Someone You Love: Powerful Secrets (and Practical Tips!) for Healing Your Heart is filled with comforting and healthy breakup advice. The Blossom Tips will help you loosen unhealthy attachments to the past, seal your heart with peace, and move forward with joy.
When You Miss Him Like Crazy: 25 Lessons to Move You From Broken to Blossoming After a Breakup will help you refocus your life, re-create yourself, and start living fully again! Your spirit will rise and you'll blossom into who you were created to be.