Home > Let Go > Rebuilding Your Life > How to Cope When Your Husband Leaves You for Her

How to Cope When Your Husband Leaves You for Her

Saying – even just thinking, “My husband left me for another woman” – is heartbreaking, but help is here. These tips for coping when your husband leaves you for her will help you survive even when you’re completely shocked that he walked out.

“I can’t believe this happened to me, the pain is unbearable,” said Esmie on How to Get Over the Pain of Being Cheated On. “I spent nearly two decades of my life with my husband, just to watch him walk away. I didn’t know he was unhappy or that I’d be searching for tips on how to cope when your husband leaves you for another woman. Do men who leave their wives after all that time regret it? Do they feel guilty about what they have done? I know it doesn’t matter because when someone wants out, they want out. It’s just sad some people think marriages are so disposable. Before we got married my husband pursued me so hard and he wanted to rush to get married. So I said ‘yes’ and now…he files for divorce and that’s it. Wow. I pray for the day to come when I don’t wake up feeling this huge anchor on my chest, the day where he is a distant memory and I wonder what the heck I ever saw in him.”

I don’t know if men who leave their wives regret it, or if the pain of betrayal ever really goes away. I don’t even know if time heals all wounds. But, I do believe that you CAN recover and rebuild your life. You might even find a way to be happier and more fulfilled than you ever were before.


You might even Blossom.

7 Ways to Cope When Your Husband Leaves You for Her

Here’s what one famous wife said when her husband walked out:

“I’m not sure what the future holds, but I do know that I’m going to be positive and not wake up feeling desperate,” said Nicole Kidman. “As my dad said ‘Nic, it is what it is, it’s not what it should have been, not what it could have been, it is what it is.’”

It is what it is. These aren’t the most comforting words in the world, are they? But it’s the truth. And the sooner you can accept the truth, the quicker you will begin to heal. Part of accepting the truth might be learning Why He Had an Affair and How to Recover. Your husband’s leaving may be the worst betrayal in marriage and it may be the worst thing your husband could ever do to you…but it’s what happened. The sooner you can accept that it is what it is, the sooner you can move on and create a better, more meaningful, happier life.

Here are seven tips on how to cope when your husband walks out on your marriage. This isn’t legal or financial advice; it’s how to heal your heart and self-esteem.

1. Realize that his leaving isn’t a direct reflection on you

No matter how beautiful, successful, slim, or rich their wives are, some husbands will be unfaithful. Men cheat and leave their marriages for a wide variety of reasons – many of which have nothing to do with their wives. To learn more about cheating husbands, read Is Your Husband Cheating? 5 Signs He’s Having an Affair.

More importantly, remember that your husband left you for another woman because of his problems – which aren’t a reflection of you! It’s not that you’re not good enough, or she’s a better woman. To be able to say “my husband left me for another woman” and survive, keep reminding yourself that your husband left you because he has his own issues.

2. Learn how to forgive your husband for leaving

“When you forgive, you in no way change the past – but you sure do change the future.” – Bernard Meltzer. This may be one of the most difficult thing to do after your husband leaves…and it’s the most necessary.

Don’t carry around the bitterness, misery, and pain of an angry woman. Don’t allow his choice to dictate how you live the rest of your life. Don’t let his mistakes drain the joy, love, and spirit out of your life!


Learn how to forgive. Actually, I should have put “grieve the end of your marriage” at the top of these ways to cope when your husband leaves for another woman. Right now, you’re grieving the loss of your dreams, the end of your marriage, and the pain of discovering that your husband won’t be spending the rest of his life with you. Allow yourself to grieve, and learn how to forgive.

3. Stop comparing yourself to the other woman

You have strengths and weaknesses that she doesn’t have, and she has strengths and weaknesses that you don’t have. It’s pointless and futile to compare yourself to her, to try to figure out why your husband left. It’s a waste of time and energy! Accept the fact that for some reason, your husband had to go. It’s not even about you; it’s about him.

If it makes you feel better, make a list of your strengths and her weaknesses, and read them when you feel down on yourself. But I actually think it’s better not to compare yourself to the other woman at all. You need to focus on moving onwards and upwards after your husband leaves, not on what the other woman has that you don’t. This is your time to concentrate on healing and personal growth. It doesn’t matter who or what she is…what matters is that you have a life to rebuild, a self-image to recreate, and a new identity to focus on.

When He Leaves: Help and Hope for Hurting Wives by Kari West and Noelle Quinn will give you hope and encouragement as you learn how to cope after your husband walks out. There are no easy answers – but you can reach out for companionship and the knowledge that you are not alone.

4. Spend time with women who survived when their husbands walked out

Who will walk alongside you, as you work through the pain and process your loss? If you don’t know who to talk to, consider asking your friends and family members if they know a woman whose husband left her.

How to Cope When Your Husband Leaves You for HerIf she survived the end of her marriage in healthy ways – and if she’s stronger, happier, and healthier – spend time with her. Ask if you can buy her a coffee; learn how she overcame pain of his cheating on you and leaving. Soak up her courage, health, and wisdom.

One of the best ways to survive a traumatic event – and learning how to cope when your husband leaves you for another woman is definitely a type of trauma – is to connect with people who know what you’re going through. Gain strength and healing from women who have survived similar problems in life. Join a grief support group, or form your own little group of women who surviving such a major change in their lives.

5. Let go of your old hopes and dreams for your marriage

If you think your marriage isn’t over, read How to Know if Your Relationship is Worth Fighting For. But don’t fight reality. Don’t allow your wishes and pain to change how you see the truth. It’s better to face and accept the truth – to surrender to what is – instead of wishing your life could go back to the way things were.

And remember that you’re not just grieving the fact that your husband left you for another woman. You’re not simply mourning the loss of him as a man. You’re actually grieving the end of something that was so important to you. Your marriage may have been the focus of your life, and saying “my husband left me for another woman” may be the most painful words you ever utter. You lost something you believed in and thought would last forever. So, you’re grieving the end of the marriage you thought you had, that you hoped you had…you’ve been betrayed, and you aren’t as innocent and trusting as you were before.

This is a huge loss, and I am sorry you have to go through this. But to heal, you have to grieve not only the loss of a husband, but the loss of your marriage, the loss of the things you hoped for on your wedding day. You need to grieve the painful reality that your husband left you for her, and that you have to rebuild your life.

6. Get help coping with the end of your marriage

Counseling is about making sense of your life, and figuring out how to move on after betrayals, heartaches, and heartbreaks. Talking through your problems with an objective counselor, spiritual leader, or psychologist can help you let go. An objective professional can help you see your big life picture and your more detailed personality characteristics.

husband left me for herIn He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After 40, Erica Manfred Erica Manfred shares her own divorce experience, as well as the advice of experts, with specific sections tailored to women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s.

If you feel lost and helpless because your husband said he doesn’t love you anymore, don’t spin your wheels alone. Invest in yourself emotionally and spiritually – a counselor or a support group for divorced women can help you make sense of what why your husband left. You need to focus on picking up the pieces of your life and starting a fresh new chapter of your life.

how to cope when your husband leaves you for another womanRunaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife’s Guide to Recovery and Renewal by Kari West and Noelle Quinn will help you start feeling better yourself, your life, and your future. It won’t be easy, but you WILL survive.

7. Start something new in your life

This is your chance to embark on a new chapter in your social, professional, personal, or spiritual life! Volunteer, take a solo or group vacation, join a new gym, take a night class, join a support group, check out a new social club, quit your job, go back to school. Surviving a breakup can be about growing into the woman you were meant to be – and about exploring a different part of your life and personality. This may be the end of one stage of your life…but it can be the beginning of a whole new era! It’s up to you…

For more tips on coping when your husband leaves you for her, read How to Let Go of a Relationship.

If you need to talk about why your husband left you for another woman, please share below! Sometimes writing is the healthiest thing you can do. I can’t give advice, but I’m here to listen.

Is your relationship in trouble? Get 7 Steps to Fixing Your Marriage from relationship coach Mort Fertel. It's free and helpful, no strings attached.


Need encouragement? Sign up for my weekly "Echoes of Joy" email - it's free, short, and energizing. Like me!


xo


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

1,136 thoughts on “How to Cope When Your Husband Leaves You for Her”

  1. It’s 3 months since my husband of 38 years walked out to be with another woman. I was so desperate and wanted to end my life. It was all that I had lost that affected me; my marriage, my beautiful home, my comfortable future. I did not love him but I was happy enough in the marriage as I had to learned to accept him for the way he was. I underestimated how flattered he was by the attention of this other woman and didn’t regard her as a serious threat. I’m 67 and she’s 58 but I look young for my age. She is the direct opposite of me and they are very alike. Both like to drink, play golf and watch sport on TV. When I’m being objective I can see how appealing this must be but most of the time I’m angry because I know I’m smarter, savvier and an interesting person. How dare he prefer her, right? It is really becoming a problem for me because my ego has been shattered. I obsess over their relationship and people know it, which makes me ashamed. I should be stronger than this. I know that life will be better without him – it already is less stressful – but my life is on auto pilot and I have too much time to think about what he’s done. He shows no remorse and the kids are basically on my side but they’re coming around to seeing him as less of a monster which hurts. I hate the fact I can’t control my emotions right now and am just treading water. The house is for sale and he is anxious to get his money and move on. He is angry I get to live here while he has less luxurious accommodation. He thinks I should be paying half his rent. I then start thinking this other woman is driving his behaviour which is probably not true. She has millions did I mention? She has played it cool with him so far to avoid looking like a home wrecker I think but I reckon things are hotting up now. Why do I care so much? I don’t want him back but I suppose I want him to want ME back. It’s ego isn’t it? I have to let go and find some peace. Gosh it’s hard.

    1. Oh Lord, I hear and feel your pain. My husband left me after 30 years for a woman whom he knew and broke up with BEFORE he met me. He told me he has always loved her, when he broke the news he was leaving me early last month. He said he loves both of us. (LMAO) I was broadsided and shattered. I am trying to find ways to believe my life isn’t over. That I can find joy again. At 68 years old, my older sister insists I am still young, that I have a joyful life ahead of me. Difficult to believe. Started to look online for help and found this website. It’s just what I need to hear! And you, too, my dear, there are some excellent resources here for you to avail yourself of. Sending MEGA HUGS to you, woman. You are beautiful, you are smart, you are strong. You can do this, going forward, without his sorry ass tagging along!

      1. Thank you Nancy. I have to beat this and stop obsessing. I have begun to try and block thoughts about them by switching to thinking about something else when I catch myself. I then say “I forgive them” because in my heart I really do. My brain thinks otherwise which is stupid. I must forgive to move on and have the life I deserve otherwise I am empowering them to continue to hurt me. Ego is the enemy because I really don’t care that much now I’m reconciled to the split. Life is better without the thousand niggling little irritations he caused me every day. I am just resenting that he left me and not vice versa. Over the years I considered it many times – he left once before in 2003 for someone else but she didn’t want him – but when I suggested it he would burst into tears! It is what it is and I’m not destitute. I will live comfortably and I have accepted that. It’s a process I guess. I am probably jealous that as usual he looks to have fallen on his feet. He has this woman and I have peace so I should be rejoicing. Must soldier on I guess.

  2. My Husband and I have been together for 7 years. 2 years ago he finally made the choice to get clean and become a better husband and father. We have 3 kids, the oldest is my step-son. I saved my husband’s life and brought his family back around him. I helped him fight for his child and was there to help build a true father son relationship. his son is now 11 and I became his step-mom when he was 4. we also have a 5 year old and 3 year old together. I have helped him build many bridges between friends and family and together we made a beautiful world but it wasn’t fully whole yet. He still had two more children that he hadn’t seen in 16 years and has tried many times over the years to get in touch with. Finally, on his oldest son’s 18th birthday he reached out to my husband. I helped my husband talk to him and calm his fears through the process of getting to know his son. We finally met him in person last year at Christmas and he just fit right in. He loved us and we loved him. My husband’s oldest daughter did not want to meet him until this September. My husband went out to LA to meet his 16 year old daughter for the first time since she was born and also met up with their mom. and now after all this beauty my husband told me he is leaving me for their mom. They hated each other for 16 years and didn’t want anything to do with each other through the years and this women took away my husband’s children for 16 years, but now they are in love. They had kids together in high school and were drug addicts together and they both cheated on each other and ran away from each other but now after all this time it’s true love a first sight, or that’s how my husband explains it. We were beautiful and I thought helping bring his whole family around him was a good thing but apparently I was wrong. Every day in our relationship he told me I was his one and only, the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and that he “f**ing Loved Me”. He was even writing this the week of when they first met. But I was a fool to believe he was real. He lost me and our beautiful world and now I have to deal with him everyday because we still have to live together and show the kids they are still loved through all of this. my husband’s girlfriend is visiting this week and I am so full of emotion I don’t know how to hold it together. I’m trying to be a good mom and person but it’s getting really hard at the moment. He also is acting like nothing has changed and still wants to be my best friend and good dad and says he cares about me. I am a mess..

  3. My husband told me 3 days ago he was leaving me for another woman.I confronted him on the phone as he works away all week and returns at weekends.I had recieved no phone calls from him in 3 days ot texts and knew something was wrong. When he told me I could not believe it we had been on holiday to Maderia for his 60th just a week ago. But a part of me could. He has agreed to let me live in our house and support me and has apologised for his behaviour. So you say all is good for you now Kate. Time will heal and you have a new start.
    My life with him 16years as been hell. Violence, cheating, controlling mental torture and totally not allowing me to be as an invidual when with him. He could be kind, never loving or showing any form of affection only in the early days. Mental cruelty was his game. Yet i stayed as i loved him. I did find someone in the mists of all this as I found he was having an affair many years ago and i met a guy who was repairing our ceiling he was loving kind and adored me,but my husband was my partner at that time kept texting me writing me love letters and won me back and asked me to marry him.Which i did. Its my wedding anniversary on Halloween spooky 11years but now im the pumpkin. I knew many times he was texting and ad seen a conversation on his phone whilst on his birthday but didnt want to spoil his day. I kept strong and hoped it would go away but this action I donot reccomend it never goes away. We went for a meal and i went to hold his hand and he pulled it away.I knew then it was too late.
    He now tellm me I am attractive and have a fantastic personality and am a great woman now hes free from his lies and deceit. We are talking like when we first met and he is still here at present on weekends. I find it hard when hes talking to her and just told his mother. This kills me inside. I will be 60 next year and i feel frightened and lost but at least the pain and mental torture of making me feel ugly, undesired, no sex, constanly making me feel inadequate in his presence is over. A new chapter but a scary one. But im free now to be me and find a new life as a single woman. Where will the next adventure take me. Be optimistic all x

  4. My husband walked out on me and my son after 17 years of marriage. He had been in my sons life since he was 2. So I was devastated when my husband left us for someone with no job, no car, and legally lost her kids by the state her sister has legal rights to them but they reside with her and my husband. It was like we where tossed out and replaced. I would wake up ever night screaming and thought I had the worst dream ever just to realize that it wasn’t a dream that I was living that nightmare. This went on for over 2 months.it’s only been 6 months now that he walked out , I started a new job bartending and it was just what I needed, I’m not ready or even thinking about a relationship but it has gave me my self-confidence back and I have made several friends there. It’s still hard , I still cry myself to sleep at times and I have more good days then bad ones now . I’m not even close to being okay but I do know that I had to quit making my life a ” poor me” it still upsets me to see him and I’m not strong enough yet. I have finally let him go and that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my 46 years on this earth I felt like my soul was ripped out of me . I still have a long way to go because I lost myself so kmow I’m focusing on who I am and what I want and need. I have been reading up on how to help me cope. I do still catch my self thinking ” what did I do wrong, why he did this and so one but I’m better then where I was 6 months ago . Honesty, 6 months ago I wanted to die cuz I didn’t know if I could or even how I was going to live my life without him . It’s a slow process but Im starting to feel my self getting better, not for him but for me

  5. Mari, I am right with you. My husband left me for a coworker and I am praying it falls through and he realizes what he has done and is filled with regret and comes back to me. What is wrong with me?

    1. Seeing the dates here and a recent post I just had to say my heart goes out to you. I too have been left and my husband now lives with his affair partner who is also a coworker. The pain is unbearable and my heart feels broken. I didn’t see it coming. I want so much to recover but can’t see it yet. I live in hope.

      1. I didn’t see mine coming as well. I felt like I was going to die. I just take one moment at a time. My husband is saying he is not going to move in with her right away but I see it happening as soon as she moves here. All I can do is know that he lost me, I did not lose him and I deserve so much better and so do you. He does not get to take away my beauty in life. he can just watch me bloom without him. It is my time now.

  6. I’ve read a few of these and it seems a common theme that the men are blaming us for their mistakes. I’m 8 weeks into my separation with my husband of 14 years. I found out he was having an affair with a coworker in August. He hasn’t spoken to me about it, he still denies everything. It’s utterly ridiculous and to cowardly. I want to discuss our marriage – I know I did things wrong. And even though he thinks I’m a horrid black hearted evil person I just want accountability. I want him to own up to what he did. He actually was surprised when I served him with divorce papers. He said he thought we would talk about it but he hadn’t spoken to me in 6 weeks and been ignoring my calls and texts. That’s the thing ladies they are turning it around on us. And it’s bogus.

    But what I’m struggling with tonight is how the switch flipped. Suddenly I am disposable, I am less than a stranger to him. Where 9 weeks ago we shared a bed, we talked about our day and our kids while watching shows together, now I don’t deserve even a text response. That is really bothering me. There aren’t words to explain how hurt and used and betrayed I feel. Like many other woman I suspected the affair but was told I was crazy and nothing was going on. I never thought he would do this to me. The man I’ve known for 17 years is a stranger to me. He’s more than a stranger.

    I’m sorry we are all going through this. I hope you ladies are doing better and I will pray for all of us during this truly difficult and suffering time.

  7. Hi everyone
    It’s an awful nightmare when a long marriage ends or any for that matter, I have been married for 23 years and very very happy, ( right) how could I not see it coming, I have been proud of “ my strong marriage” I often got up and said .. wow my life is literally perfect, well was I wrong, 3-4 weeks ago my future ex husband says he hasn’t been in love with me for the past year, meanwhile we have been on about 6 vacations as a family and 2 alone on top of that we used to take small trips to find each other over and over again, I have 2 boys 22 and 16, the youngest doesn’t know we are actually divorcing … I’m working in that and yes he is staying in the house for now until he “ saves some money to move out he can’t afford anything since I’m the one with a career but he does have an special friend which he spends the whole day texting calling and taking out. I can’t believe I didn’t see anything wrong but I guess I was busy trying to pay the bills, it’s very painful to see him already with a new life while we are still married, I trusted him completely I feel I’m dying little by little and I just wished he would leave already, my lawyer gave him about 6 months to move out as per my request but I regret this. I want to end this suffering already

  8. It’s our second marrriage,and my husband went out,but the problem here is he is hiv and aids diagnose using the drugs but has stop taking it,i think he left me because I am negative,and his mistress is positive ,I have try to sacrifice many a times taking him back Everytime he went out and coming back but this time i think it’s over.i think i will overcome.

  9. I suspected my husband “John” was having an affair at his faith-based organization when he was constantly slipping her name into conversations. Then he moved her into a position under his leadership and gave her a huge raise. No matter how suspicious I was, he denied it, grew angrier and called me psycho. Once John got deeply involved with this married woman he wanted me dead (he’s plead out on charges). I came to discover he was constantly at hotels with her, has spent our entire life savings and more on her and claims it is God’s will for him. “Sue” then began divorce proceedings to divorce her husband for him. They’ve secretly been living together, sneaking off to hotels, have gone on trips and I discovered they were having sex at lunch at the hotel around the corner from work. John and Sue have convinced everyone at work that they have “saved” each other from horrible marriages and that God has blessed them both. Sue is not a Christian and John now acts the part in public but behind the scenes is having fun doing all the “bad boy” stuff he’s wanted to do. We were married almost 15 years, together more than that. When I found the hotel bill- with a room for two adults, breakfast in bed and couples massages- I knew-and I threw up that night over and over and sobbed like never before because I knew he was with her and it was the proof that it was real. I filed for divorce the following day.He claimed they went there as lonely friends and slept in different beds. Really?! He’s blamed me since day one as we had separated (but lived together) when I insisted he pick me or her and he told me I was crazy and nothing was going on. He said that was the end for him and that I pushed him into it. This is not his first affair but he claimed the rest were “just emotional.” To top it off, he made me give up my job, family, friends, etc. and move overseas with him to the USA. Now, I can not leave to go home unless I am willing to leave my children behind (which I won’t) due to custody rules in the state we are in. I’m now desperately seeking a work visa while he plots to deport me. I’ve begged for him to allow me to go back to England with the kids but he has said no. His new woman Sue now laughs and mocks me as much as he does. He actually took her on every single “bucket list” trip we had planned while in our new home in the US. He purchases t-shirts and hats everywhere he goes will wear it around the children and I to flaunt where he has been. He laughs and says he won and that they are soulmates and that he will be married for her for life (turns out they have been engaged to each other while both of them were married!! He even took my teenage daughter Julie shopping for Sue’s engagement ring and told her not to tell me claiming it was a surprise for my birthday). There is a baby boy that also was born that might be his and he claims too he wants to have (more) children as I am now infertile after having my 2 and having complications. He said she’s a “real” woman. Everyone at his work believes his lies and are fully supportive of them as a couple. I’ve lost so many mutual friends. I cry myself to sleep, I read my bible, pray, write in my journal, see a Christian counselor and have sought out help from my church but nothing is taking this raw, awful pain away.I’ve lost 40 pounds and now am in perfect shape but he still does not care (Sue is very large). I’ve begged God to please show my husband what he has lost but my husband only sees gain. He’s got a “new” family now. I’ll be losing my house and he still wants to deport me and take our kids. He told me he will destroy me for ever calling the cops on him and furthermore he is out to prove I am the insane one and he’s the victim. I watch our kids so he can go on cheating and he plays Disney dad when he wants to or when it is his court ordered visitation but he spends the time bad mouthing me, getting the kids to play with the new woman and to tell her how great she is and he has convinced them while there that Sue will be a wonderful mother to them- even though her husband Greg has showed me text after text in which she says she hates my kids. They are now planning their honeymoon and wedding and are purchasing a large home together- and they are both still legally married! Our divorce has been a nightmare but is finally nearing completion. I begged, pleaded and tried to reason with him to go into marital counseling with me but he coldly shakes his head and says “I never loved you” and “I never want to be with you again” and has told me he never knew what real love was until he found this woman. They’re still constantly together- working and sleeping over together- and having a grand time. I’m left with half his cheating debt, potentially declaring bankruptcy from all the debt and my legal bills and I’m struggling how he could throw it all away and trap me in a foreign country with no remorse, guilt or shame. He says from a Christian standpoint, he’s on fire for God and that “everyone sins” and says “whomever has not sinned, throw the first stone.” He said he asked forgiveness but he’s like King David who gets to keep his affair partner. I can not reason with him and I continuously pray my pain goes away and that I somehow can forgive and move forward. Despite his rage, anger, depression and abuse, I loved him and I feel stupid I feel that way even still. Especially after how he has betrayed me to my core. I keep telling myself that God has something better for me and that God has brought me out of a terrible marriage and that maybe John and Sue are not as happy as they appear…but I am worried they will have that happy marriage and that it’ll validate his claims that I was the problem (despite me jumping through hoops to please him!). I have read all the “we cheated and found the love of our life” stories online and now I am scared I’ll have to watch them be in love forever. And because he is doing so well financially too …he just seems like the blessed one while I deal with little ones who are sick, wrecked finances and daily fear he’ll have me thrown out of the country. He recently went on a wonderful tropical vacation and posted the happy pics everywhere while I am at home & struggling to pay the bills on a house I will lose. And yes, there are days when I can only cry out to God with “why” and “please help this pain to go away.” I know I did not deserve this but I replay everything wondering if I could have done something different to keep him….It doesn’t matter now though. It’s so awful to be thrown away like trash and so easily replaced.

  10. Thank you for this post. I’m going through it myself. I have two small children, five and ten and my husband of twelve years has left me for a coworker fourteen years his junior (thirteen years mine). It is hard not to feel cliche. The old tired mom being left for the single thirty-something year old coworker. It hurts. But I am determined to survive this and not only survive, THRIVE!

    And look, the victim of an affair isn’t always the victim of the marriage. I thought we were happier than not but it isn’t like I didn’t contribute to our issues or have things that I need to work on before and during any future relationships. We all have issues. Don’t let anybody say, “It is all your fault.” Don’t let them pass that on to you. If they were as upstanding as they are pretending to be, as innocent – they wouldn’t have lied and cheated on you with another woman. Don’t carry that weight. But I believe I shouldn’t be a victim either. I don’t want to play the role of poor poor me, how could he do this to wonderful little me? Life happens. Affairs are as old as marriage itself. I am going to use this opportunity to look at what I contributed to our marriage, where I want to improve and take that with me into a future relationship. I know he is taking his same sad broken self into that relationship with his coworker and she has her own issues if she is willing to be with married men. Obviously commitment isn’t something either one of them respects. But whether they end up happily ever after or break up in two weeks is not my problem. Their relationship is not going to define my happiness. It is what it is. I remember seeing a quote from Nicole Kidman saying her dad said something to the effect, “It is what it is. It’s not what is should have been, not what it could have been but it is what it is.” I like that. I also like this from Eckhart Tolle, I think allowing yourself to grieve and move through it allows for true growth. Don’t give up on yourself ladies!! We will persist!
    “When there is no way out, there is still always a way through. So don’t turn away from the pain. Face it. Feel it fully. Feel it — don’t think about it! Express it if necessary, but don’t create a script in your mind around it. Give all your attention to the feeling, not to the person, event, or situation that seems to have caused it. Don’t let the mind use the pain to create a victim identity for yourself out of it. Feeling sorry for yourself and telling others your story will keep you stuck in suffering. Since it is impossible to get away from the feeling, the only possibility of change is to move into it; otherwise, nothing will shift. So give your complete attention to what you feel, and refrain from mentally labeling it. As you go into the feeling, be intensely alert. At first, it may seem like a dark and terrifying place, and when the urge to turn away from it comes, observe it but don’t act on it. Keep putting your attention on the pain, keep feeling the grief, the fear, the dread, the loneliness, whatever it is. Stay alert, stay present — present with your whole Being, with every cell of your body. As you do so, you are bringing a light into this darkness. This is the flame of your consciousness.”

  11. I find myself writing this in disbelief, heartache and despair. My marriage of 28 years is over and he blames me for everything. He has been seeing a coworker for the past month even though he said he has fought the feelings for awhile. He hasn’t been happy with me for years he said. He said he drinks because of me. I am not attractive anymore. I am the cause of it all…. The logical side of my brain said are you kidding me? My emotional side is writing this to strangers at 3:34 am because I feel like I’m dying. I guess I should start by saying I have 2 adult children, married and 3 little grand babies. The loves of my life and I would do anything to not cause them pain. Today, I know that I am going to by saying that he is leaving for awhile and he had an affair. I worry that they will hate him and also silently hope that they are ticked off as hell. I have been a stay at home mom most of my life with side jobs here and there. I had finally found an area of work I loved and was going to try and make a business out of it. Now I need to find a way to survive. We were in the middle of planning a vacation, now I have no idea how to make it through the next day. My father is 96 and on hospice and lives with my 88 year old Mom. I am their care giver outside the hospice system. There is no way I can tell them without it destroying them. I realize I have been depressed. I am sure this all has contributed to it all for years. He drinks 12 beers on average on the days that he is off, blaming me saying I am the reason why. I have listened to what he has said and acknowledge that I have plenty of problems and mistakes but he won’t yake any ownership. None! He is the one that had the affair, NOT me. I don’t know what to do, or how to go on. Help needed

  12. To Cha your story sounds very similar to mine except we were together for 39 years with four children and 8 grandchildren its been 14 months now and i am still hurting but it is getting better he left me for a lady he met while doing his job as he owns his own business and meets a lot of people going into their homes doing quotes etc he started going healthy and doing bickram/hot yoga someone alerted me to the fact he could be having an affair when i confronted him he denied it and still hasnt admitted it fully to me or the children though he is now taking her to NZ to meet his mother and siblings i am so hurt as it just seems so soon to be doing this we have gone through settlement but not divorce as yet .He totally blamed me for his leaving me told me i changed but never explained how told me i pushed him away but i dont know how i know after 39 years our marriage was a bit stale but i thought we enjoyed each others company and we hardly ever had bad words to each other and i had no idea he was that unhappy we went away together in our motorhome just 3 weeks before he left me after i confronted him i came home after spending a night with my sister to find all his clothes and personal effects gone i have found out a lot in the last 14 months how he has known her for 10 years and has been going to her for massages (she is a masseuse among other things life coach etc ) i am now left on my own to try and work out how i will carry on with life without him around he told me he has moved on and expects to be able to talk to me amicably and like he has done nothing wrong i get very emotional when i see him but i am still very hurt and angry about the deceit and that he didnt talk to me about his feelings ..I am now trying to look forward and start a new life i will be financially ok and my children have been very supportive .Cha you said all is lost at the end of your post but no its not we have to pick up the pieces and move on like they have at this stage i feel i cant forgive him but i maybe one day i will but i know i am feeling better everyday and sometimes i think im glad hes gone now .. i hope things work out for you Cheers

  13. My husband of 18 years asked me for a separation/divorce the day before our 18th anniversary so he could be with another woman, in which he claims was always his first love. I already had twins, 1 years old, when we got married and now they’re in college. This was supposed to be our time together, to recreate our love and do fun things we never got to do, now that our kids were grown. But as I found out, he claimed he never felt like I was the center of his life. After three years living apart, for work purposes, but still seeing each other of course, he says we grew apart. Within the last few months he reconnected with this old flame and lied to her by saying he and I were separated for three years. During this time I had no idea what was going on, unaware he was unhappy or had reservations. I even made plans to quit my job and move to his location to be with him. Of course she’s going through a divorce and he was her savior. I found out about the old flame accidentally, and he eventually told me half truths about her, but we planned on working on our marriage. He came home for his birthday recently and we had 2 wonderful weeks of love, intimacy and looking at apartments that we could move into since his lease was almost up. Only to find out he went to go see her the day before he left to go back to his other locations/job (she was staying with her mom who lives about 2 hours from me during her divorce). She conveniently had just gotten a job ~30 min from where he lives and was back in that state for a few days before her big move. He lied and went out with her again and after calling him several times that evening, his phone picked up by accident and I could hear them together talking about me during their date. He lied and said I knew they were together and I didn’t really care. I was devastated!! I called and texted again until about 2 am. He finally picked up, said we should see other ppl and separate. After a lot of tears, yelling, anger and almost flying to his location to confront the lady who probably now lives with him, he’s bought her a huge engagement ring and I’m seeing a lawyer to file the paperwork for divorce. We never went to marriage counselor and he never really tried to work on our marriage. I feel like his 2 weeks with me was like a fling, because he had already purposed in his mind to be with her. I still love him, but I’m also filled with so much anger and heartbreak. I struggle against finding ways to hurt them as badly as they’ve hurt me. My two grown kids don’t know yet, but I’m extremely worried since they both struggle with anxiety. They’re worried that the ppl they love most will leave them due to certain recent events in their lives. He’s the only father they’ve ever known and now he’s leaving for another woman and wants to have his own child with her. I pray every day that I can forgive and start to feel better, but my pain is so deep that I feel like someone is constantly cutting my heart in little pieces. He’s living it up with his fiancée, while I’m in constant pain. Mind you after 18 years, he now has his dream job and makes a lot of money, lost some weight and finally felt good enough about himself to leave me. One of his excuses for staying with me all these years was bcuz everyone always told him I was a great catch, so he settled for good enough. Now that his confidence had built up, he left me. Funny thing is I never saw it that way. We both had issues, but we helped each other heal throughout the marriage which I thought brought us closer together. The years apart didn’t help, but according to him he always felt a certain kind of way, but never communicated with me, which he admits was his fault since He didn’t want to rock the boat. But if he had at least spoken up about his feelings, I believe we’d still be together today. At least he would’ve known that he was always the center of my life and there was no one else I’d rather be with. Now all is lost!

  14. Maureen
    I am 69 years old and it is seven months since my husband left me for someone else. We have been together for 19 years and because he has Aspergers syndrome he has been difficult to live with. I have to admit that we had not been intimate for a couple of years but to understand this you have to understand the condition. He is very intellectual and just after Christmas he told me he was leaving me to pursue a relationship with this younger woman who he has had dealings with for the last year and is also his intellectual equal. Although I wasn’t happy in our relationship he was my husband and I was willing to work it out. He wouldn’t even try. I find it still hurts me as I am trying to get him out of my system. I do believe I will be better off without him as being with someone like that is quite draining emotionally but it will take time. I do all the things recommended exercise, catching up with friends I even had counselling which I no longer do but there are times when I think I still need it. I live in a small town and he lives just around the corner from me and his girlfriend lives a bit further from him. I am not sure they will live together as she labels herself as “resolutely single”. Whatever that means. Perhaps it just means I am single because I can’t get anyone else. That is the bi**hy side of me coming out. It is hard not to think about them together but I am trying to change that. I appreciate all the comments from all these ladies and feel for them as well. I know that I will be okay and so will they. It doesn’t seem like that in the early stages but we will all come out of this much stronger and good things will be in our future. We mustn’t let these dirt bags ruin our lives because they really are ruining their own even though they don’t know that yet.

  15. My boyfriend of six yrs left me for a woman he just had met in a game and she’s living very far so he rarely have seen her. I though we were happy together with our five yr old daughter who he loves so much. But just like that he left me for her. He had lots of plans for the future and I though we were getting married this year. He barely knew her but he said she’s better than me and that he loves her now. I read all their Facebook messages and I was shocked that they’re going to build a family together, everything is happening so fast! All our family and friends still can’t believe this is happening because they thought we were okay (and I though so too), he’s still denying about having a serious relationship with this girl to everyone including his parents, in fact he can’t even tell his dad. He’s not even telling his friends and if I didn’t find out in Facebook he even would have fooled me.
    I don’t know what’s wrong with his mind, he even boast that the girl knew about his kids and me but she accepted everything. A decent woman wouldn’t even dare enter a relationship with a guy with a family. I’m so angry but I need to forgive and forget.

  16. My boyfriend of 7 years left me for another woman. We had just moved into a new house together, which I paid half for. 2 weeks later, he told me and my 5 year old daughter to leave. He moved a new woman in the house a week after that. I feel broken, alone and hurt. I didn’t know people could be so cruel in this life.

  17. Isabella look up steps to wellbeing you can refer yourself online, it does take time but they offer counselling I went to dr and they offered no help, but this provides a counsellor free, also relate they deal with us broken ones too it’s not just for couples although they do charge it’s not as expensive as private . I am so sorry for you and know it’s hard being strong you do need someone to talk to happy to text etc if that helps I am in the UK and although my issues are from a much shorter relationship I have and am there

  18. My husband left me after 23 years of marriage and a beautiful 21 year old daughter.
    I am devastated….. he has left me for a woman half my age and they seem blissfully happy building a new life together while I am left in pieces.
    I am trying to get some counselling but cannot afford it right now.
    My children have been hugely supportive but I find now I am keeping a brave face and not really letting them see how sad I really feel.
    I live in the UK …. can anyone give me an idea if there are any support groups I could attend?
    I just want to feel normal again if that is at all possible…
    Isabella

  19. My husband left me for a younger woman and I cannot let go. I’m so hurt and bitter and I still pray he will come home.

  20. I feel like I am dying! There is no true description of the feeling!!
    There is so much to the story, and I have lived in my mind over and over so much, that it isn’t even in me to type it all out, to explain it to you!
    I just know, that I miss him so bad! I see now the wrongs I did, in our relationship!
    Never an affair or even a thought of one, but the fact that I didn’t show him the appreciation he deserved!
    But then again….I filled his plate, I peeled his baked potatoes, salt, peppered and buttered it……carried him his drink, plate, napkin, and fork….to wherever he may have been sitting! He never had to get out of his recliner! The only thing I didn’t do, was go to the bathroom for him, and that was only because I couldn’t!
    Why why why was I not enough?
    I can not imagine another body in my bed…another body in the blasted recliner, another set of arms around me……. and he is actually on his second woman in the last 6 months!!!
    Why? Why? What? What? How? How?
    I do not know how to come out of this hole I am in!!!!!!
    I still long for him, and would seriously think about taking him back, if he asked to come home!!
    But the truth is…he seems to be having the time of his life!
    He has left me financially impaired! I had to scramble our dogs some eggs….because o dont have the money to buy food for them!
    I had to count the change in my car, to have enough money to get myself a half a pound of bologna!!!
    WHY….do I even allow the thought of this man…enter my mind? Let alone cause me to cry every other minute of EVERY DAY??
    Thanks for listening!!
    I sure wish you had the miracle cure!!!

  21. I was married for 13 years. My marriage has been deteriorating for some time so it was bound to unravel. I was his loyal, faithful supportive and trusting Wife. He had an additional wild side that went out of control. The last incident is when I found out that he was having an affair 2 weeks before our 14th wedding anniversary. Out of the blue my husband just sprung the divorce talk on me. I was so hurt and being an independent woman, I thought I could cope with being single. It was so hard to move on so i had to reach out for help. Our marriage therapist thought that “something” was not right about my husband.

  22. My husband recently left me for another woman. We have 3 beautiful children together. He has emotionally drug me around for the last two years promising me he would return home, but every night he never shows, every phone call to him goes unanswered when I want him next to me, how can I still love and want him after this long affair. Why won’t he leave her and come back to me. How do I let go. I don’t want to feel this anymore.

  23. Hi
    About 3 months ago I found out my husband of 8 years was sleeping with his 20 year younger secretary. I have been in shock since. When I found out I packed his bags and he has not been welcome on out house since. We have two young girls, 6 and 5 years old. The first week after I found out he was a total wreck begging me to forgive him saying he didn’t know why he did what he did. But now 3 months later he is living with the other woman. He sees his children as much as he can but they stay all together in HER house. According to our children he sleeps with them in their room or on the sofa whilst they are there. He supports me financially 100%. Except for one very weak moment of mine I have kept total No Contact with him. I only answer text messages about the children, never phone calls. I am heartbroken! I miss him so much. We had a whirlwind romance where he proposed after 3 days. Everyone all his friends and his family said I was the best thing that ever happened to him and everyone is in total disbelief of what he has done. During my moment of weakness he said he loves me and always will But is no longer in love with me. He fell in love with this younger woman. 3 days ago he told our daughters that he was wanted to be mums best friend. What kind of thing is that to tell your children when you have just left the house where he lives with his new girlfriend. I am trying to keep my children safe in this knowing that both mummy and daddy loves them. But they are so confused and don’t understand. I also struggle with not saying anything bad about the other woman who slept with my husband behind my back for months. I have lost 30 pounds and struggle to sleep. There are good days when I think I will be OK and then there are days when I cry over nothing. He has not filed for divorce and most of his things are still at our house but I know he is not coming back. How do I move on?

    1. I can relate. It seems as though my husband flipped a switch and became someone else. He said how much he loves me, but still went with the younger other women. His whole family is in disbelief, it was totally out of character for him, and they all say I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I struggle, but somedays are better than others now. It has been three months since I found out, and one month since he verbally admitted that he did not want to work things out with me. I had also kicked him out immediately. This is what I have been doing to work towards healing. Mind you I don’t want to merely heal, I want to thrive! Every time I have an emotion I let myself feel it. I don’t stuff it, I don’t try to make the pain go away I just let it wash over me. I don’t want that energy to get stuck in my heart and come out later at a bad time. Now is the bad time, so I might as well deal with it now. I imagine that my heart is broken wide open (which it is) and I let it be broken. I am not trying to heal it. I found out that when my heart was broken open, a whole lot of love came out. It has to go somewhere. It used to go to him, but I have to redirect it now. It’s in there and we shouldn’t block it just because we aren’t giving it to who we thought we were going to. I give more to myself now. I just imagine it as a never ending river and it is all flowing out of my heart, some to me, some to my kids, and some just out to who knows where, just out, with no limit to how much there is. Keeping my heart open means I won’t close it off to myself, or close it up with yucky stuff trapped inside. Secondly, everytime my mind starts going over all the lies, all the possible what if’s and different outcomes, I literally say to myself, yes those were and are all possibilities, but they are not what is happening at this moment, so I don’t need to use my energy on them right now. All our energy should be for ourselves and for our kids and building our new life. The fact is, you have now outgrown him emotionally. Just the fact that he thinks he can be best friends with you right now shows how detached he is from his actions and their consequences, and his selfishness. He is an emotional 2 on a scale of 1-10. You have outgrown him, and you will continue to do so. Go for it! Take the opportunity, keep growing, the more you grow and keep your heart open, the more life will give you. I am right there with you! We are going to become emotional 10’s and live beautiful lives because of it. This is what life gave us, let’s take it and do more for us than we ever imagined we could. Everyday I am going to feel pain, and everyday I will let it flood me if it needs to, and everyday I will be thankful that I am high enough on the emotional scale to actually care about myself enough to feel the pain and not hide, stuff, or resist. The pain sucks, but it is way better than what the alternative. I also found the BEST website/blog ever. It is called Post Male Syndrome. Talk about putting things in perspective. Seriously, check it out. Everything from how to get over him, to self esteem to many fantastic bits to put in your toolbox to count. Ok, hopefully something I am doing will help you too. If there is anything you are doing that has been working please share!

      1. Katherine, you’re words are so true and reading them just reinforces what I have to do. Thank you and I hope all goes well for you sweetheart xxx

      2. Thank You for your words! They are indeed very true. He is completely detached from me and what he has done. All he used to give to me now goes to this other much younger woman. I am still so angry and feel so betrayed. Whilst he feels nothing.
        I am doing my best to move on. I have had my lawyer start writing up the divorce papers. I am trying to fix up the house ready to sell so I can get a place that is mine and not ours.
        I will be OK.
        I will give all my love and energy to my children.
        My house will be filled with love and laugh whilst he will miss out on the largest parts of his children’s childhood.
        I wish you all the best too on this journey we did not want to take but maybe it will take us places we never knew excised.

  24. I am 64yo. My husband and I were together 12 years. He is 57. When we met it was like one of those hollywood moments. He was besotted with me and wanted to live with me and marry me within a short time. I felt So comfortable with him and believed I had met my life long partner.. He always swore he would never ever hurt me. He rang me one day from work and said he was leaving, then he wouldn’t talk to me about it again. I was in total shock for the first 6 weeks. I lost so much weight. That was 5 months ago. He has happily moved on with his new woman as if I never existed. To top it off I have to work full time again to pay him out of my house. I spend every night and parts of the day thinking about them and I am still in disbelief. I try to keep busy and plan things for myself but my mind keeps drifting back to ‘them’. I just want to spend a day, a week, when I don’t feel pain and grief and I can not think about them anymore. I know this may take years and that makes me feel so so sick. I don’t think I will ever get that trust back again at my age. If this can happen when I thought we had a perfect marriage, then that’s it for me.

    1. My heart is breaking for you, I know that feeling only too well, it happened to me too. I was married (happily) I thought,for 27 years, then I found out my husband was having an affair,,,, totally devastating, it broke my heart because he didn’t confront me, didn’t tell me he was unhappy, just did the complete dirty on me and my children, didn’t have the guts, just had a sordid affair, that was bad enough, but to add to my devastation, I found out that he had drained our bank account, stolen personal stuff, lies, etc, you name it,,, 😪, lied to my children, awful!! Devestating!,,, time is the biggest healer, it truly is , take time to mend your broken heart, ,,, then get tough! Be strong, fight for your self, don’t let him beat you down, you are a great strong person, don’t let him beat you,,, he is the biggest loser, believe me xxxx

  25. How to make the pain stop after a break up? Can’t eat or sleep, I feel depressed. How can I make myself feel better and sleep better?

    1. I am here to tell you that 2 months ago I wrote that post on here about my broken heart. I am SO happy. Trust me when I say you will be so grateful for the second chance. For the first month I couldn’t even sleep in our old bed. I took sleeping pills which only allowed me to sleep for a total of 2-3 hours. I lost so much weight from not being able to sleep and stress. I was crying and anxious all the time. It gets better. So much better. Reach out to me anytime. I promise you in 2 months time you’ll be happier.

      1. Thank you Melissa for your encouragement. It’s been 5 months for me and it’s worse than ever. I’m going to see a psychologist because I’m actually feeling so low I don’t think it’s right. I KNOW I will move on eventually. When he left me I was absolutely gutted because I knew there was going to be at least a year of grief. I don’t care what anyone says. It’s worse than a death.

        1. Kathleen I totally agree I felt I was healing it’s been 6 weeks the last two weeks I can hardly get off the carpet constantly crying and breakdown considering if o even want to carry on, where does this come from surely things should get easier not harder nothing helps and really don’t want to go on anti depressants I wish I could just rub myself away with a big eraser

          1. Amanda, it’s really horrible the feelings we have to go through. I’m expecting it will be another year before I can feel a bit like the old me again. I feel for you too. I have been going through our property settlement. I owned everything and he was in debt when I met him. And yet I still have to pay him out of the house. He really doesn’t care about the position he has left me in and has happily moved on with his woman. I cry every day and night still. My family are the only ones keeping me together. Try to think of something to look forward to each day and look in the mirror every morning and night and tell yourself how much you love YOU 😍

        2. Kathleen you are so brave and strong well done you have got this and your family is so lucky to have you. Self love is a hard one though isn’t it especially when you know they could get you back in a second if they ever wanted to, but they don’t. I am struggling with learning to love myself when no one else seems to be able to, i know I have read everything that loving yourself is all you need and no one else to validate that but no not when you have gone 3 days without speaking to another person, but I will be back at work soon and that’s where I hope to find myself bury myself in work
          I hope you manage to keep as much of your money as possible not fair that he should get anything but it’s only money and who cares about money as long as your happy xxx

    2. Hi Cassandra,
      Get a therapist, get on anti depressants to bear some of the brunt of the pain, meditation, breathing exercises, a support group of friends and family that are solely in your court, lots and lots of hugs, exercise, punching bags are awesome, positive mantra to say in your head to get THEM out of there, join a Private Facebook page with others going through the same thing, I love my group. I lost 40 lbs during my split. Everything I tried to put in my mouth I would gag. I would sleep but wake in the middle of the night thinking about THEM. The antidepressants helped with the sleeping. I just couldn’t function without them in the early stages. Uggggh, it’s horrible horrible. Try some or all of these. Do things you love. Avoid any triggers. Stay off social media to find out things you don’t need to know. It will only hurt you more. Tell friends and family that’s you don’t want to know anything if they hear something. Again, it will only hurt more. Go no contact with HIM. Begging and trying to get answers does NOT work in your favor because you won’t get any satisfying answers so don’t try. Again, it will only hurt more. I am sorry for the pain you feel. Been there and it’s horrific. It does get better, I promise but it’s a grueling process. Get your support group together as soon as possible. You can’t do it by yourself. Good luck😢

        1. I love the girls on my Facebook private site. Alyx Carpenter is the administrator and one of us. She has to accept you in the Wonder Women facebook page. Yes, these women are Wonder Women. Love them all and you will too. Just friend request Alyx.

          1. Thank you Lisa, I cannot seem to find the group, there are several using the same group name… darn. Do you happen to know the URL?

          2. Hi Heather. You need to send Alyx a friend request. It is a secret group and she is the only admin. She will then add you to the group 🙂

  26. Well ladies I have been on both sides of this situation. I met my soon to be ex husband at work. We became close, he told me his marriage was over. We started seeing each other. He was still living with his wife, but nothing was going on between them. He finally divorced her, but they still lived in the same residence for a year after that. He had bought me a ring ask me to marry him. I love him so of course I said yes. I fought to have him with me we broke up several times. Ex wife finally moved and we had a start. Wrong. He was never completely invested with me. He became emotionally and physically abusive. Everything was my fault. And some things were my fault. I couldn’t understand why things were this way. Living together he would get upset pack up and leave for days sometimes weeks. Then it was he was wrong and sorry, he needed me. Then I found out he has been seeing the mother of his first child (never were married) for about 6 months. I still married him this past September. We have split up several times, each time he goes and stays with her. He insisted on divorce in April, we filed papers. Now he says he doesn’t want it he loves me. This has all been hard on me. I was the other woman, now I am the wife and there is another woman. Karma does come back. I thought his marriage was over when I got involved, and he has told the other woman now the same thing. It hurts, I’m upset, down on myself. But I am going to get a divorce. Because I have realized that he has an issue with commitment, not only with me but most women. I am his 5th wife. I pray daily for him and myself. God sometimes let’s us have trials to learn from them and to grow. It isn’t fun, but it happens. Life is precious be thankful for it. Live to the best of ur ability. And also I have apologized to the wife he was married to when I met him. She has forgiven me and I’m thankful for that. Know that u can’t control them and their actions, just your own. Prayers for everyone and their situation.

  27. My now ex husband of 16 years left me for another woman. One moment we are talking about a family vacation to Disney with our son and the next moment I am being served divorce papers. We never finished our family and I never got to have more children which I had always dreamed of . He however, divorced me, got married and had two children all in two years!! From that point forward me and our son no longer existed. It’s been 4 years and I am still not able to get over it. l can not get over all that has happened and all that I lost. And this other women stole my life. They even moved to the area when planned on moving. When I see their perfect family photos with mom, dad, one little boy and one little girl. (Our son NOT included) the pain is unbearable. Will I ever be ok?

    1. Christine, I was touched by your story. My husband left 6 months ago for a woman he’d known 3 months! We have 3 children and were together 23 years.
      The first 2 months were unbearable but I’m getting much stronger. The hardest part has been trying to get my head around being treated like I don’t exist.
      You will get over this, you have to start looking at the situation from a different viewpoint. Yes it feels like this other woman stole your life but what in fact happened was, she gained a cheat in hers. It may appear that they have the perfect life, but with 2 young children, life will be tough for them. It won’t all be a bed of roses.
      He has set you free to live yours. These men who can move on so quick are really just filling one gap, immediately with another. Many men are useless on their own, which is why they normally have another woman lined up before they leave. Your son will be very lucky to have you instead of a disappointing role model and in time you may be able to finish your family with someone who truly loves you and wants to invest in you and not himself. It’s very hard not to sit and think about what they’re doing, but when you do, bring the focus right back to you and think about what you’re doing that day/week etc.
      It seems there’s no justice in this world for men who cheat, but I also believe in karma. One day, he will feel the guilt of what he’s done. Just be positive and be grateful that you don’t have a cheat in your life. After all, that’s something she now has to worry about! Good luck x

    2. Christine,

      how I understand your pain. My now ex husband of 20 years served me too with divorce papers and has forgotten me and our beautiful son totally. Please keep in mind that it has nothing to do with you. It’s absolutely not because you were not good enough, fun enough or gor what ever reasons you may think. When a husband betrays his wife, he loses him self. All the goodness and light in him turns off…,,,it fades away….. Please be aware that once a person comits adultery, everything that he was is gone! The person that your ex husband now is, is NOT the same person he was before he comitted adultery. I felt so hurt and desperate because I could not believe what a person I had in front of me, hurting me and our son so much with such selfishness….. I really thought he was an allien! I searched my husband like crazy…… thought, my goodness this stranger is a copy of my husband , my real husband got kidnapped! I finally got my peace when I realised that evilness got completely hold of his heart. It had nothing to do with me. He may be happy for a MEANTIME but one day reality will really hit him hard. Do you think it is love between your ex husband and his now second wife? Not at all! Love is honest and it is kind, not hurtig and NEVER betrays. True love is never built on betrayal and lies! He is now married to a woman who helped him betray his family! Please Christine, understand this, their happiness“ is an illusion and based on lies, betrayal and selfishness!!!!! Love is not selfishness! I still feel angry and sad but I am not hurting anymore because I lean my self in Gods grace and pray always for his amazing grace. Christine, YES, the hurting will fade away. Then sadness comes in BUT a new and amazing strong woman is born! You are a beautiful strong and honest mother! You had the best part of your ex husband……… not her! The other woman helped to destroy a family! Do you envy her???? Do you envy a woman who lost completely her self esteem by marrying a betrayer and a liar?????? Your ex husband also lost all that is good in him by leaving a faithful wife for a woman that has no morality at all! The moment your ex husband betrayed his family is the moment he died. He killed the man with honesty, goodness and true love…..He destroyed him self. What now is left is another man, a stranger……..Leave this stranger. You have every right to grieve but don’t lose one more tear for such heartlessness! He is not worth it! This stranger is not good anymore……Look forward to a new life for you and your son. Take this as a chance to grow stronger, more beautiful and be proud of who you are! Not a cheater, not a liar, but a person with a true heart filled with warmth and love! My prayers go out to you!

  28. We were married for 8years now, he left me for her. I’m 32 years old with 2kids. I’m still struggling to accept the truth, I keep on calling and texting him, begging and hoping things will be ok. I’ll call him and ask him to forgive me that maybe I wasn’t woman enough that is why he cheated, you know most of the time he doesn’t answer my calls or even respond to my messages. The sad thing is that when he got that job out of town our plan was that he will work few months there then we move there and go start a new life that side as things were not going right for us here, but in just 2months he got that job he was already cheating on me, He started working there in September 2018 and I went to visit him on the 09 November 2018, 10 November that Saturday I found out that he has a girlfriend, my husband only apologized like someone who broke a glass like its not a big deal, then when I was about to forgive him for the sake of our marriage even though he apologised like he doesn’t care if I live him or not, he told me that he have 2kids out of our marriage that he made while I was still his wife with 2different woman, 2014 and 2015 when those ladies told me they are pregnant he denied being the father, that its not his. And I believed him coz he can be really convincing. I can say he has been cheating on me since we got married he just was respectful and he can apologize, so I’ll always forgive him and we move on with our lifes. But what now he turned into something I don’t know, he is totally different, he uses every bad word he can to hurt me. Is like he doesn’t really care what his words are doing to me. Since November he treat me like trash, he even blame me that he has been hiding his kids because of me, because he didn’t want to lose me. And then he told me that he loves the other woman and he won’t leave her, that she is DIFFERENT. Till today believe me when I say I’m still begging him, I don’t know how to let go, I’m really trying, and he treats me bad but I’m still after him, I love him, I know that I’m a fool or that’s how people see me but I can’t help it, I really love him. I need help as I’m struggling from high blood and short breath due to this things that are happening. I really don’t know what to do or how to deal with this. I’m sure he is so proud that I cry for him and making a fool of myself. Im just so broken. All I do is crying and praying for him to come back, at all times I wanna be alone in the house, closed doors and don’t even open the curtains, I just wanna sit in the dark just to cry and pray.

  29. Ladies, ladies, ladies.

    I know how you feel when your husband says he wants out of the marriage (usually to marry another woman), you can’t believe it’s happening, you’re in shock, your stunned, miserable, incredulous and wondering “What am I supposed to do now?” It’s as though your life is over. But it’s not; you’re just going to start over with another life. And you will survive.

    Here was my situation: married 26 years, four children, three (at the time) grandchildren, was a stay-at-home mom for years, went back to college as soon as my youngest entered kindergarten, took years to get a degree because my husband’s job required that we move every 2-3 years. I also started working again after many years. I didn’t have a career; I had jobs, usually in food service. Graduated with a B.A. in History (totally useless, a big regret) and ended up living in a small, rural community in the middle of nowhere by 2006. All of my children had married by this point. That autumn my husband of 26 years (I’ll call him Chad) informs me that he wants to marry a woman (21 years younger than him) who had been a house-guest of ours that summer (I’ll call her Amy). We were having martial troubles but I never expected this–and I’d been good friends with Amy. Chad had a good job & was willing to walk away from everything–me, children, grandchildren, his profession–just to be with her. Classic mid-life crisis. I was in shock. We’d let our problems go unresolved for too long and now this. The next day he apologized, said he was crazy, that he really loved me & he was going to stay in the marriage & try to work things out. I was more than happy to start all over again. He called Amy & told her that he decided to stay with me. She cried & said she knew he would. I wish I could say that Chad & I worked hard to repair a damaged marriage & remained married. That didn’t happen.

    He stayed in the marriage legally & physically, but that’s it. From that point on he wouldn’t even kiss me, kept calling his out-of-state girlfriend, speaking to her practically all day while he was at work, for HOURS at a time. He was a manager & not even doing his job, running up long-distance phone bills. He was treating me horribly, yelling & losing his temper at the most trivial things, I was scared to even initiate a conversation w/him because I was afraid he’d find a reason to blow up at me–which I realize now was guilt on his part, taking things out on me. He knew what he was doing was wrong but it’s as though he couldn’t stop. There was an emotional connection to this girl that he never had with me. I suspected Chad was still communicating with Amy but never confronted him directly. He knew I thought he had stopped the phone calls, emails & text messages. He let me believe what I wanted to believe.

    To make a long story short, we filed for divorce right before X-mas. I never wanted out & never said, “I don’t love you anymore,” but I couldn’t compete. His heart was with someone else. I didn’t hire a lawyer although my parents offered because we had so few assets that I didn’t see the point. When we filed the paperwork I noticed it was quite lengthy & wondered how he had the time to fill it out so quickly. Answer: he had filled it out months ago. I got alimony for 5 years and 50% of his VA pension.

    Living in that small rural community (where my friends helped me get through the most horrendous period of my life) was not where I needed to be as a middle-aged, now-single woman, so nine months after the divorce I moved thousands of miles away back to my hometown where my folks still lived. My three youngest remained behind as they had already married & had families of their own. They understood why I was moving away & didn’t blame me.

    Life didn’t get any easier once I relocated even though I thought it would. You can’t escape problems by changing your zip code. I somehow managed, had to get out of food service due to physical problems, got a job on an office, my parents helped out, I’m making ends meet. Hard to believe that the last year I was married, we earned almost $100,000 together. A few years later I was on food stamps because my income had dropped so much.

    It’s been 13 years since my divorce & never thought I’d see the day when I wouldn’t be hurting any more. Well, I still hurt a little, that’s normal, but I’ve made a new life for myself. The whole experience was like being gutted; I survived but the scars are there. Chad & Amy married a month after the divorce and, believe it or not, is STILL married to her, still living in the same area (more or less), haven’t seen him since. Sadly, our family has paid a price. Our children still hold a grudge against him and can’t stand Amy, their stepmother (for a few of our children that’s putting it mildly). They live 20 miles away & hardly see him, he hasn’t hardly seen the grandchildren (now up to 8). They fly in to see me whenever time/finances permit. I’ve probably seen our children more times since the divorce than Chad has. Life hasn’t been easy for him; he eventually quit his job, then took another job & was fired, took another low-paying job, now he works out of his house. His wife has struggled with breast cancer. His father & sister passed away. Our oldest (who moved out of state in 2001) has seen her father only once since 2004. He never has made an attempt to try & visit her. He got what he wanted–Amy–but it came at the expense of his family. I doubt things will ever be the same.

    In any case, I learned a few lessons from this whole miserable ordeal. It was the only way I could learn them & I’m passing them down to anyone who cares to take the time and read them:

    1. If your spouse wants a divorce & you don’t there isn’t much you can do about it. If he refuses to change his mind, let him go.
    2. You’re going to be very emotional throughout all this and not thinking clearly. Please don’t let your emotions get the better of you. Think things through, otherwise you might do/say things that you’ll regret later.
    3. Every state has different laws when it comes to divorce. Go online and found out the laws in your state. Be prepared.
    4. I regret not hiring an attorney, didn’t see the need for one. Maybe you don’t want one or need one but check to find out if it would be in your best interest.
    5. I get half of Chad’s military pension, but I had to apply for it as part of the divorce settlement. If it’s not in the divorce agreement, I don’t think you can get it after the divorce is final. I’ve heard that some ex-wives have been turned down by the courts for asking, but I personally have never known that to happen.
    6. If I outlive Chad, I lose my half of his VA pension–and I desperately need that monthly check. That never occurred to me at the time. I really regret–and perhaps a lawyer might have suggested it had I hired one–not telling Chad to take out a term life insurance policy with me as the beneficiary, payable upon his death should he pass away before me as part of our divorce agreement. I’m told I can get some of his social security, though. Haven’t really check into it.
    7. Learn a marketable skill. I was in food service but couldn’t really support myself on it. I still don’t have a career; I have a job. If I could do it over I’d go to a technical school and become a CNA or something. The health field is wide open & the money is good.
    8. KNOW WHERE YOU STAND FINANCIALLY. This was one of my biggest mistakes, totally my own fault. We weren’t very good at budgeting money & by the last year of our marriage we were sitting pretty good. I had no interest in bills beyond putting pretty stamps on the return envelopes. I never even looked at the bills; Chad handled everything. He knew I never looked at the bills, so he wasn’t worried calling his girlfriend on his cell phone (not our landline). I often wonder what he would have done if he had known I scrutinized the bills every month (especially the phone bill). He couldn’t have gotten away with as much. Know how much you have in the bank, what you income is, who you owe & how much. This is going to be a big part of your divorce. Being in the dark about your financial situation can really hurt you.
    9. If you think counseling will help, do it. We went to a marriage counselor (100 miles away) but it was too late; Chad had already made up his mind & it was a waste of our time. I regret not going to a counselor years before. It just might have helped (couldn’t have hurt).
    10. Fortunately, I had a lot of good friends around who were in total sympathy with me. It was very therapeutic for me to talk with them about what was going on in my life, they knew I needed that as a sort of therapy. All I needed were listening ears. If you know someone going through the same thing, be a listening ear for them.
    11. Try not to badmouth your ex in front of your children no matter how you feel, it won’t do any good. It was hard for me not to do that but I learned. Our kids were in their 20s when we divorced, and to this day they still hurt. Kids always end up hurting the worst (I think) and ours were no exception, no matter the age.
    12. Be patient. You can’t rush things. You believe that all this emotional pain & turmoil you’re experiencing will last forever. It won’t. The pain gradually lessens but it takes time.
    13. Last, but not least, happiness is a choice. I learned this lesson very clearly right after Chad told me he wanted out, then pretended to reconcile with me. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I was crying all the time. I felt like a dark cloud was over my head that would never leave. Sometimes I felt like the walking dead, like a zombie–I was hurting that much. One day I said to myself, “When will I be happy again?” and the answer came right away: “When you want to be.” From that moment on I realized that even though I was going through an absolutely miserable situation that was out of my control, I could still put a smile on my face.

    Fast-forward to 2019. I am now 60 years old, I now have 8 grandkids, my children stay in regular touch with me, I struggle with poor health (osteoarthritis in my knees & back, already had a knee replaced a year ago), I swim most mornings & try to do yoga (can no longer walk very far), I have a receptionist job that doesn’t pay well but I love it & have good benefits. My 10-year-old car is paid for. I’ll never be able to afford another car but so what? I have good friends who I can count on. My poor mother has lung cancer and won’t survive the year, but I’m glad I can be near her. My oldest child is flying in this week to spend some time with me and to see her grandma (my kids adore my parents and have been scraping money to fly out & see her this year). Life is good and I’m happy.

    HANG IN THERE, LADIES. YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS!!!

    1. Wendy, thank you for sharing your story. I wish that all this pain and heartbreak never happened to you. I am so encouraged by your words of wisdom and am taking them to heart. It is hard for me to “choose” to be happy. When I try to be happy, everything around me reminds me of what I lost. I feel that if I try to move on and forget the pain, I am doing a disservice to myself. But I really do want to be happy. I wish all of this never happened.

  30. I stumbled on this after having one of the worse days I’ve had since my separation. I truly felt like I couldn’t breath and feel like I’m not sure how I’m going to make it through all of this. I am 40 years old and I found out at the end of November 2018 that my Husband of just one year (5 years together total) had been having an affair with his married coworker for many months and to top it off we had just had a our first child two months prior. We started dating In 2013 and relocated to a new state in 2015 for his job. I uprooted my entire life for him to support him and moved away from all our family and friends. However, We had a wonderful happy relationship and I loved and trusted him so completely that the thought of him cheating was laughable to me. But he did. I found out the first time because her husband found their messages on a hidden application on her phone and contacted me letting me know. So I confronted my husband and he seemed genuinely terrified to lose me and our daughter. So we agreed to work on it and celebrated Christmas as a family traveling back to our home state for the holiday and everything seemed like we were really connecting as a family. He was even telling our families that he was ready to transfer his job back and get us home with our support system and we returned to our state and put our house up for sale. I truly thought he was serious but as time went on things started to fall apart. He started to distance himself and speak to me in a way I didn’t even recognize him. He honestly turned into another person all together but continued to say he was jot speaking to her, that she was working on her marriage as well and that this was just who he is now. We continued to go to counseling (he was lying the whole time so it was useless) and in February I found out that he has not stopped talking to her at al after we sold our home and moved into an apartment thinking we were going to move back to our home state soon. I continued to fight for my marriage and he said he had truly discontinued any interaction with her even with work stuff and for a few weeks he seemed to truly meet it. The at the end of March he finally told me that he has never stopped being with her, that they have planned on divorcing both me and her husband and that he does not feel anything for me anymore, and should have never married me. I found out that that had been seeing each other since 3 months after our marriage and 2 months into my pregnancy. He told me that he loves her, she is the only one that makes him feel alive, and she fulfills what he needs out of life. We filed for legal separation in April and he signed over everything to me including full custodial custody of our daughter giving me permission to return back to our home state as my job(I had been working remotely), all our family and friends where there and for me to stay in This other state would have been mentally exhausting for me to have no help or support. So we signed on May 2nd and he rubbed our daughters head and walked out of the apartment knowing I was leaving in a week and never returned. I have officially been moved a week and a half as I write this post. He has only contacted to tie up a few loose ends, he will be cordial and say he hopes things are going well, but will never actually ask about what’s happening with me or most importantly his child. I had fooled myself into thinking that once we were all gone (me, our daughter, dog and cat) and he was fully alone that he would feel some sort of sadness or remorse but I was very wrong. He is becoming friends with all of her friends has found a new place to live in the water and has told me that he still feels nothing about any of this and has no drive to ever correct this. I am just so at a loss as to how I could be so disposable to him, we did not have many issues, we loved a comfortable life. I always termed to have more passion and romance but it just seem to go to the wayside and now he is doing all that with her and is in love. But even more heartbreaking is the fact that he has said he has no plans to move back and will be staying there indefinitely. So now my beautiful baby girl is not only going to be a child of divorce (something that was very important to me to never do to a child) but will never fully have her father involved and I am now her only care giver. I am also a women of faith and that does bring me comfort but right now It’s just all so overwhelming and feels like I can’t wrap my head around any of it and the pain and fear of what this life is going to look like seems unclimbable right now. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

    1. Dear Melissa, my heart goes out to you and I know exactly how you’re feeling. I was married for 27 years, I loved and completely trusted my husband, and I found out he was having an affair. I could not and would not ever take him back, I have recently divorced him. He moved straight in with her, I found out how devious and sly he really was, as it all unravelled!! He stole, lied , cheated, plotted against me and my children, turning into someone I barely recognise. It was awful, heartbreaking, ,,, . Now , 17 months later, I am divorced, I fought hard to keep our home, I kept my friends, family, dignity, and have become a new independent woman, I still have my moments of sadness and anger but it gets less and less day by day. Take one day at a time, hold your head up high, be strong. Let the two losers have each other, they will never be happy because they are both cheats, they will never trust each other, that is my karma, keep strong, thinking of you x

    2. Dear Melissa,

      Your story really resonates with me except that I do not have a child, and I am so sorry to read your story because going through this with a child as well must be just awful.

      My husband left me in February, we had been married less than a year and like you, I thought we had a great relationship with few issues. I had sensed a bit of a recent void between us and like you, I had always been the more affectionate one etc, but what we had really just needed to do was talk things through. Overall I’d say we had a pretty great time together.

      We were actually on our honeymoon – a 2-3 year cycling trip around Europe with our dog. We had ridden from England all the way to the top of Norway, then down through Finland and Eastern Europe to Slovakia, where we had found somewhere to live and work over winter in the middle of mountain wilderness. There was just us and a young family there. We started to spend a lot of tome with them, eating together most days, working together, we even had our Christmas with them etc.

      Then, just like with you, one morning – totally out of the blue – her husband showed me secret emails between them on some app or email platform I’d never seen before. I ended up travelling across Europe by train and bike with our dog, after a couple of weeks back with friends in the Czech Republic. He flew back to his parents in Scotland shortly after it happened.

      I just found out a week or so ago that he is returning to Slovakia to be with her. I am very fortunate that – very surprisingly to me – I actually met someone new just 11 days after we split up, but I have still been in absolute turmoil and the start of this new relationship has been dominated by my grief over my marriage ending. Fortunately my new partner is much older than me and worldly wise and very understanding and supportive.

      I really feel for you, your story is absolutely heartbreaking. I hope that in time, when you are ready and the right person comes along, you find someone who is deserving of you and who truly loves and respects you.

  31. We had a marriage that both of us described as magic. Out of nowhere in March he told me he had started an emotional affair in February. First he said it was a symptom of his low self esteem, and that in December he had a “breakdown”. We had made a huge move in July and our son was having a hard time adjusting, so was I, but things were feeling better. It was a temporary hard time that had nothing to do with our relationship. His work did not pick up as he expected, and I thought that was the cause of his esteem issues. I let myself believe that his feelings of failure were the cause of the affair. I was so painful, but I thought I could move forward. The problem is that he went back to the affair, I just found out that in April he referred to me as his ex-wife. He planned a month an d a half trip to @clear his head”. I backed away and just gave him space to figure things out. He swung from wanting to be with me, and wanting to be alone. The affair person is married and not leaving her husband. He said he was just riding out the affair until he went on his trip. I then found out he had been attracted to her since August, so the self esteem excuse doesn’t fit. He doesn’t want to be together when he gets back, and after finding out it all started a while ago and not because of any self esteem breakdown issues, I know I am done with him anyway. It just hurts to know he had a lot of time before anything actually happened to make other decisions, he could have communicated with me, or at least left me prior to betraying me. I would have been heartbroken, but not shattered. We could have gone to counseling and faced things respectfully. The hardest part to accept is that he did not even try.

    1. Hi ladies, I felt so alone when my husband of nearly 11 years left me but I know I’m not the only person this has happened to. We were together for 17 years and like I say married for nearly 11 years. We met when I was 16 and he was 19 and we have been each other’s everything ever since. We had some problems in our relationship because we wanted a baby but each time I fell pregnant we lost the baby, this happened 5 times but we pulled each other through and found out it was due to an illness I had. We worked together to get my health back on track and then he had a mental breakdown and I needed to help him. Again we dealt with it together and I helped him get back to work and feel positive again. In July last year we were then given the go ahead to try for a baby and we were born so excited and happy and couldn’t wait to try. In amongst this he had a young girl of 18 who worked for him and I felt she was over friendly with him even when she left to go uni she was still contacting him but he told me there was nothing to worry about as she was just a friend and way too young for him (being 17 years his junior). Our relationship was going from strength to strength and then in November he stopped taking his antidepressants and changed, he became snappy and was prioritising work but I knew he had a lot going on so I just continued to support him and come December our relationship was good. However in January he walked out on me but after 3 days he came back and we had a big discussion and sorted it all out and our relationship was the best it had been for a while. Then I found out I was pregnant I was so happy but he wasn’t as he had now decided he didn’t want kids. 2 weeks later (the night before Valentines) I couldn’t cope with the way he was acting and called him out and he told me he couldn’t be with me no more and had fallen out of love with me but he kept saying he didn’t want to break my heart and he was so sorry but needed some space to be on his own. I tried to get him back and suggested counselling and dating again but he said he couldn’t do it at the moment he just needed some time. In the meantime we had our 12 week scan and he was my husband again showing me affection, caring etc and I got excited then 4 days later I found out he was seeing someone else, but but just anyone else, the girl he had worked with who I was worried about. Not only were they seeing each other, 2 weeks after he walked out on me he had met her and slept with her and had already been up to her uni (a week before our 12 week scan). Fast forward 2 months and he is a completely different person. He doesn’t care about me or the baby and doesn’t check in to see how I’m doing with the pregnancy, he treats me like crap, blames me for things going on and acts like I’m nothing and a piece of on his shoe. This girl is now his GF and he is in love with her apparently. I’m heartbroken. We both wanted this baby for so long and now it’s finally on its way I feel he has abandoned me for a child. He has also filed for divorce not even 3 months after we broke up and has told me he isn’t buying anything for the baby. He has basically ruined the dream family I’ve had in my head for so many years. We were such a good couple and all my family and friends thought so and then now all of this. It’s like he is a different person and I’m not sure what happened. Up until he left we still had an active sex life and we still told each other we loved each other, how can you just lose all feelings and love for someone who has been your everything for so long. I can’t believe I’m going to be a single parent and he is treating me so badly. I’m trying to keep going for the sake of my baby but it’s hard when I hear about him and her and that his taken her to meet his family etc already. I know it’s not something I’ve done and I know this isn’t my fault but I can’t stop thinking what did I do wrong and why he has done this to me after all these years.

  32. My ex and I were together since 16. Had a baby by 18. We are 29 now and our son is 11. We had a toxic relationship. I put my life on hold so he could get his career going meaning I did not get a proper education or even a drivers license. He cheated and left us multiple times for different girls. Each time I took him back. I had zero support system and zero self love or self worth. I would always take him back. Almost a month ago he told me he isn’t love with me anymore and he wants change and we are done. Over text message. Come to find out he’s talking to a 21 year old girl (we are 29) from work who apparently gave him the confidence to leave me. I begged and pleaded until I realized I just couldn’t anymore. I told him if he’s already seeing someone else while having sex with me and sleeping in my bed he needs to leave. So he left. About a year ago after years of neglect some other man ( a mutual friend) expressed interest in me.I was at a low point and I slept with him. I instantly regretted it and knew it was wrong and I wanted my family to work. Fast forward to our break up and our mutual friend has now told him what happened a year ago. So now my ex is acting like this is my fault and I’m disgusting. So I sit here with my life completely turned upside down and no support system taking all the blame. Wanting so badly for this man to miss me and want me back. How do I let go? How do I move on? I don’t even feel I deserve to.

    1. Hi Melissa…I am so sorry to hear about u pain. I was in your place a few months ago. My husband of 20 years left me for my friend who is 17yrars his junior. I was so devastated. I cried and cried and hope he would miss me and return home. Please take my advice and find support in a church. Learning to pray is the only thing that ease my pain. Please forgive his so God can take revenge and fight your battle. Every wicked thing he has done to u will fall back on him. If his new relationship don’t work he will come back to you if you don’t realize your value….He will use u and move on when he finds the other girl. You have to learn to be single again because that is the only way you true husband will find you. Start an exercise program and eat healthy. Take careof your self. And love the blessed child u gave birth to. That man is a narcissist…therefore he doesn’t feel your pain and everything is your fault. He will not see you as someone he caused pain. To him you deserve the punishment. Darling he has no plans for you. Get your heart ready for the next man who will love u for u and think your faults are cute. who will honor and respect u as the previous woman. Stop thinking about that man… forgive him and take control of your life..Your future will be bright. The good thing is…he left you at 29….and not at 40. U have a great future.
      Love and Peace.

  33. Hello I recently learned my husband having another affair sad thing is it is with my who I thought was my friend 13 years. Not sure how long this has been going on but it probably doesn’t matter at this point. This is just one the affairs I’ve learned of. I love my family and husband and I’m just trying to get my life in order. I had to leave our home and stay with my daughter. Just taking it day by day right now.

    1. Candy M Callahan

      I am obsessed with is she better than me. Is she better in bed. I want to know what she looks like. Is she prettier than me. And I keep flipping out on him. How could 20 years of marriage easy to walk away from

      1. NOTHING about her can be better than you!!!! Believe that! She is a miserable selfish person to involve herself in the destruction and pain of your family ! Let your husband and the other woman sit in their misery of what they are doing to you and your family! Believe me one day it will all come to them and they won’t be able to handle it! God does not honor sin! You are a courageous, loving, powerful woman and you need to pull that love you have to your husband and shower it all back on YOURSELF. Watch what happens over time and your pain and obsessing will calm down it will i was that way! It’s your husbands LOSS and one day he will see it! Love yourself try hard fight, it is hard but fight for who YOU are…… with love angie

        1. Excellent advice, I totally agree. I was married 27 years, we promised each other we would never hurt one another by having an affair, we would be honest with each other, even if it meant heartbreak that one of us was falling out of love with one another,,, but,,, men are spineless, well my ex husband anyway!! He was a coward, he just had a sordid affair with a cheap tramp, who is known to have had several affairs with married men! 17 months later, he is miserable, but he is stuck with her, he is afraid to live on his own. They are constantly quarrelling, arguing and don’t trust one another, I just sit back and let them carry on being miserable, let them have each other, the grass definitely wasn’t greener. He broke my heart and destroyed my dreams, now it’s his turn to live with the anxiety, stress and turmoil. Ladies, keep strong, time does slowly heal, xxxx

  34. So my stupidity is probably to blame for why I am here, I met the ex when I was 14 he pursued I rejected, until I was 20 then I fell in love. It was on and off eventually found out he was living with someone and had kids when I was around 25 so I ran, but he was always around not proud of it but we did still see each other on and off for around another 10 years but no love, I had a serious relationship for 12 years and never saw him at all then after I bumped into him and realised I still loved him, he was in the same relationship but he never stayed there overnight he was living with his mum but he hadn’t ended it totally. So we started again he ended the relationship and virtually moved in with me it was hard at first I felt guilt etc and couldn’t go to family things so I didn’t hurt her etc but 2 years in it was just getting better and better then suddenly a text saying he has just come out of a 32 year relationship and wasn’t ready. I was in shock until a week later there he is on Facebook with his new love he had, according to her as she messaged me been with her for months he was only with me because I had money and a nice house and he was hoping I would pay for him to go on holiday. I tried to recover but don’t think I did really I had built my world around him was so lonely and confused. Then my precious dad became ill and I dedicated my life to trying to get him better then on 21st February my dad died I had nothing and was devastated, 2 days later ex came back said I love you I always have and want to be here for you, it was over with the ex and he wanted me, I didn’t let him back in easily I tested and made him jump through hoops but he did everything I wanted and was there for me and so so kind and loving I thought I was going to be happy, his ex was stalking him and sending me messages but we talked about it he said open them she is just upset but o chose not too. So two months in I felt him pull away And instead of leaning back I tried to make him happy. Then a silly comment of me saying he was boring because he had been so quiet blew up to him storming out when I looked round all his stuff has gone. So turns out he is back with her when I opened messages she was saying that it had never stopped each time she slept with him some were lies as he was here the whole time. But basically this man must have come back to me to repair something that was wrong in his relationship with her, ok I have done wrong in the bit how can anyone take advantage of my grief to get a second chance to just hurt me again, how can he hate me that much I have only wanted him to be happy. What hurt the most is he blamed the end on my silly comment I kept saying it can’t be that please help me because if it’s that there is someone else I can walk away without guilt or blame but he is still denying it even though his van is outside her house and he until I told him I knew trying to text to keep me interested what is wrong with him and more importantly what is wrong with me he is the love of my life but I don’t want him to be the story of my life I want to be happy and move on but don’t know where to start or even what makes me happy anymore any advice would be appreciated

  35. Really needing to pour out my heart and receive some advice and encouragement from women that have been left by their husbands for another woman. I’m 33 years old with a 5 year old daughter and a 7 year old son and after 13 years together, (married for 9) my husband told me that he wasn’t in love with me anymore and left me for another woman. My post is going to be really long but I feel like I just HAVE to get this out because I feel absolutely crushed inside. I met my husband in 2005, when I was just 19 years old and he was 20. I had just completed my freshman year of college and met him while I was working in a restaurant during my summer break from school. He wasn’t in college at the time or even working consistently. He was living with his grandmother at the time in a really bad neighborhood and we couldn’t be more different. I’m very introverted, reserved and smart. He’s very extroverted and likes to party and socialize all the time. I grew up middle class and my parents have been married for over 30 years while he was raised by a single mother who was forced to move he and his sisters to several homes all over town after his father had left the family in pursuit of other women. I was very shy and didn’t date at all in high school because of it, putting most of my time and energy into my grades. So I didn’t even know how to drive so I was very very naive when I met him. But for some reason, when I met him, I didn’t feel that awkward shyness when we met and he made me feel comfortable, he made me laugh. I just felt safe and accepted with him so we started dating. We dated all through college and married shortly after I received my degree. Things were going pretty well until one day when EVERYTHING changed. He came rushing home one day in January of 2009, fell onto the couch and stated that “his life was over.” I of course, being his wife, was immediately alarmed and asked him what was going on. In a frantic voice with tears running down his face, he stated that he had been over to a friends house the night before and his friend had invited a girl over. They were all drinking and laughing together but after they were done with this, his friend and the young lady went into the other room to have sex while he fell asleep on the couch. He says he woke up to screams and yelling, saying that the young lady was stumbling around drunk and yelling that she had been raped by them. He says he has no idea what happened between his friend and the girl but he knew he had nothing to do with it since he was sleeping. It wasn’t unusual for him to sleep over at a friends house every now and then. Looking back on it, there was no reason in the world that he should have been doing this but then again, by this time, I was just 24 years old and this was the first relationship I had ever been in. And now, this man was my husband so I thought oh, if he wants to spend a night a friends house every now and then, I guess that’s ok. I don’t want to smother him too much so maybe it’s healthy to do that. But he wound up being accused rape because of this so obviously it wasn’t healthy. I didn’t believe for a second that he actually did this and still don’t. He’s never shown any signs of ever doing anything like this and after the rape kit was performed on the young lady, none of his DNA was ever found but the friends was. This was a devastating time, truly devastating, but I stood by him and supported him through it. And even though no DNA was found tying him to this rape, he was still charged with it due to the testimony of her and the friend, who both stated that he was involved. He was facing over 10 years in prison if found guilty in court so he decided to plead guilty and take a plea of 7 years probation, out of sheer fear and anxiety about going to prison. Even though he avoided prison, he has to register as a sex offender for many years to come. This has ruined so many chances and opportunities for advancement in his own life but I stayed with him and supported him. He found jobs here and there over the next few years but the moment people found out that he was a registered sex offender, they immediately went to their bosses or HR demanding that he be fired. My heart would break for him when this happened because I didn’t and still don’t believe he ever raped anyone. And I saw how terrified he was to face trial even though his lawyer had built a strong case in his defense. He didn’t wanna go to prison for something he didn’t do so he just plead guilty to take the deal that would avoid that. He avoided prison but couldn’t keep a job to support himself or our family since we’d go on to have 2 kids within the next 2 years. Since I don’t have a criminal record or anything and also have a college degree, I took all the finances in my hands, put my plans for grad school on hold and worked to support the family while he watched the kids. I knew he wanted desperately to provide for his family but he couldn’t so I thought well, our roles will just have to be reversed and I will work to provide financially while he stays home with the kiddos. It worked for awhile and O thought he was okay with this arrangement but he eventually changed. He started leaving as soon as I came home from work and not returning for days, leaving me with no one to look after the children while I worked. I eventually lost my job because of this and couldn’t keep up the with the bills with no income so we were evicted from our home with a 1 year old and a 6 month old. This was absolutely devastating and it split our family. I moved into my parents house with the kids and he moved in with his mom. And there we stayed for the next 5 years, unable to find anyone that was willing to rent to us with an eviction on our record. We tried our best to spend as much time as possible together but when you’re living in separate homes, it’s very hard to cultivate a marriage. We didn’t have extra money for hotels or anything like that to even be intimate with each other so that part of our relationship died. He always told me that he loved me and that he was doing everything he could to find a home for us to be in together again but deep down, I knew that he was spending time with someone else. He wasn’t spending much time with me at all, just merely texting or calling every now and then. And finally just about a month ago, I found a landlord who was willing to rent to us. The kids are in school now so childcare isn’t as pressing of an issue so I’m able to work and support the family. He moved into the new apartment with us for 2 weeks and then left, stating that he loves me but just isn’t in love with me anymore. He’s met another woman with 3 kids of her own but is financially stable. She has a big house, gave him a truck to drive and is fine with him living off of her. She’s fully aware that he is married and doesn’t care, even going so far as to text me pictures and videos of her in bed with my husband. He’s even posted pictures of them kissing all over Facebook and just carries on as if I don’t exist, as if the kids don’t even exist. They are devastated and asking why Daddy doesn’t want us anymore and it breaks my heart. I put my goals and life on hold to help this man just for him to betray me for someone who has more things to give him. I would have those same things and be more financially secure too if I wouldn’t have stopped pursuing my goals to help him through his legal issues. And I did all of that just to have him betray me. I was faithful throughout the marriage, never cheated not even once. I kept my vows in every sense of the word and he didn’t appreciate that at all. Stood by him, prayed for him, everything a good wife would do. But all I got for all of my support of him was his behind to kiss. And I feel so humiliated, so embarrassed. So unbelievably hurt and devastated for not only myself but for my children. We’ve just been rejected and abandoned and it hurts. It hurts a lot. I know the obvious answer is to divorce him and move on with my life but I’m a Christian and even though I have more reasons than not to divorce him, I can’t seem to shake the feeling that God wants me to stay and fight for the marriage even though he is gone and clearly doesn’t want to. Is it normal to feel this way? Should I pray and just hope that he’ll change and come back home? Or should I just let it go?

    1. Hey Stephanie I’m Trice. My husband did me the EXACT SAME WAY. That’s why I can relate to your story. As I’m typing this we are going through a divorce as we speak. He told me about 3 weeks ago that he wasn’t in love with me anymore and that I deserve someone to make happy because he cannot give me what I need. He had been staying out lying saying he going to the store. Going to go see a sick a Aunt. Going to hang with his male friend he work with, all stuff but was just lying to me. But then when I get ready to confront him about it. I’m getting in his nerves. I’m not his mama. Leave me alone. U don’t trust me. Just a bunch of BS. Now we just bought a big beautiful brand new house not even two years ago. Our forever home. We have two girls 12 & 15 we been together for 18 yrs. So just Imagine how devastating and sickening I’m feeling. Like a nightmare. I know that he’s seeing someone else. I just know it. This past Easter Sunday, this Bastard brought who ever she was to our F@ck!ng HOUSE while me and the kids was at church. I checked our cameras and seen it. Talk about low! No regard no respect. Pure reckless. And for that I know I’m definitely DONE. Not mention he has cheated before 2 years ago big time on me and I for gave him for that. Thinking after buying the house, we would make a fresh start from the past but nope. He eventually went left again. But I should of not took him back after that because he only brought back 7 more spirit demons with him that made the relationship even more worse because he still wasn’t fulfilled and still not. Probably will never be. He has no resting place just drifting from one person to another. And I’m glad that he is definitely out because I don’t need the heartache Manipulations lying anxiety and everything else. So now I’m looking for a apartment too like u. I never lived on my own. I been with him since I was 18! And I’m 36 now. But god has my back. And as for u, there’s only so much praying u can do. I know that your a Christian woman, I am too, but I prayed for him to the moon and back 100 times and no change. So u have to look at patterns instead of promises. Cause unfortunately some ppl just are not going to stop doing what they do. Like my ex. But one day they will see who was there for them and who really loved them. Let it go and give it to god. You deserve better.

      1. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your encouraging words! No one ever really understands how bad this kind of hurt and betrayal feels unless they’ve been there. As much as I am sorry to hear that you and so many other women in this world are going through such difficult times, I find comfort in the fact that none of us are alone in this and that we can encourage each other. I totally agree with your decision to not stand for him cheating and getting a divorce, especially because of the fact that you have 2 little girls. You would never ever want those precious girls to believe that when they marry, their husband is supposed to be allowed to cheat on them multiple times and walk in and out of their lives. That would break your heart all over again, to watch your babies grow up and repeat those same mistakes and know the pain that they are experiencing. Him bringing that female ( I said “female” because no REAL woman would ever stoop so low as to sleep with another woman’s husband) to your home is beyond disrespectful and I’m so glad that you recognize that. What makes it even more awful is that you just NEVER think in the beginning that your own husband would ever just completely disregard your feelings and dishonor you and himself like that. But ohhhh, how I have come to realize in my 33 years on this Earth that even the people that you love the most and have done the most for will change on you and push you to the side quicker than strangers. It definitely humbles you and can even make you question whether or not you’ll ever really give all of your love to another person again. But with much much prayer and support from great women like you, I’ve decided to file for divorce, continue to allow God to heal and strengthen my heart and look forward to the MAN that God is going bring into my life. And I want you to continue to do the same thing. Let’s make this pain work FOR us, not against us!!! Let’s get in the best shape of our lives, both physically and mentally, and show our children and women all over the world how to rise above even the most devastating of circumstances. My ex and I were heavily involved in church and have not filed for divorce yet but he has posted pics of him kissing her all over his FB page, even captioning one with ‘Grateful and Blessed’. When did God start blessing adultery??? Lol smh But all the hours that I spent looking at her picture and comparing her to me and wondering why her could have been spent forging my dreams ahead after such a long time wasted in sheer depression and pain. I’m not making a ton of money on my job, just barely getting by, especially since he doesn’t help me financially either. I need a Masters in my field to really make a significant income and I only have a Bachelors right now. But I’m determined to get ahead and leave the pain of all of this behind. And I’m certain that you can do the very same thing. We all can. With God, all things are possible!!!!! Here’s to the new us!!!

  36. I have been married to my husband 32 years. He was truly the only man I have ever loved. He had a 13 month affair , never let me be completely out of his life. We somehow survived that , but in between there were little things, talking to someone etc. .
    Last July, he met someone. They just talked then progressed on until he managed to pick a fight and leave for the weekend. Monday morning he called me saying he had made a big mistake, he was done and wanted to come home, I let him. I don’t know if I am stupid, or what. We had a blissful 4 weeks until , he had breakfast with her. He would leave his phone and tell me how he wanted me to trust him, only after the fact to find out he had another phone to call her.. While thinking life was wonderful again, I came home from work and he told me he loves me , but he is not in love with me. He loves her wants to be with her. So I told him it’s me or her. He said in my own time I will end it, I proceeded to help him pack his clothes . He took everything and left. That night he called me 10 times. He has been gone for a week, and I blocked him from my phone. He still class and text. When I’m at work he calls me there. He emails me when I don’t respond, if he wants this then why doesn’t he leave me alone. He tells me I’m probably going to go to a bar and meet someone, I don’t normally go to bars but maybe I should. Why is he not allowing me to get off this emotional roller coaster. I am hurt enough and how am I supposed to even begin to heal, somebody please tell me… I’m lost

  37. I caught my husband cheating with a coworker, after everything blew up he moved out,he said he couldn’t handle the fighting that we needed time apart. Come to find out he was still seeing her. Now that the affair didn’t work out he wasn’t to come home. What do I do?!!

  38. My partner left me 6 months before we were due to get married on my birthday. That morning he told me how much he loved me and would never leave, then she turned up and he left with her, I am struggling to breathe and put one foot in front of the other, he won’t take my calls, answer my messages. I really feel my life has been a lie for the last 6 years, I go from being really angry to absolutely devastated by this. I miss the man I loved and the life I knew, the pain is all consuming.

  39. I cought my husband having his third affair last summer, since then I have filed for divorce and he has moved out. We had been married 18 years and have two beautiful children now in their teens. There are days where I’m ok and others where I don’t want to go on. I have loved ones that are really supportive but I sometimes find it hard to reach out. In the end, I was no longer happy with my ex, he didn’t talk much with me, we didn’t have anything in common, but I was willing to make it work. He decided to jump ship and I’m left picking up the pieces. Sometimes I feel unlovable, like there’s something wrong with me, after all why would he betray me over and over? Other times I say to myself “It’s not me, it’s him. What kind of man does this to his family?” I wouldn’t wish this on anybody.

    1. dear Julie
      You have nothing to do with what your husbands sinful decisions are it is his inadequacy and personal issue within himself. I had to learn that within my own marriage also. My husband has had so many affairs I cant keep track. One thing I do know now is that we try to love them and in hopes that the love would change them and that”s not so. The more we keep forgiving them and they continue to do it to us again, it breaks down our self worth and esteem. Please don’t feel unlovable, please don’t. Take all that special love you have inside yourself that you have to give, that your husband did not want to receive and turn it back on YOURSELF!!!!! Spoil yourself, look in the mirror and tell yourself who you are and give yourself the LOVE! Its not easy I know, I have been abandoned since December and it is getting better. I have a good day then boy it hits you like it was the very day! The roller coaster I want off, but we have to go through this to get all the special blessings that is coming our way! I bet we can look back on this one day and say wow look how bad it hurt and the trauma I was in but dang, My life is beautiful now and better than before!!!!! I have read, studied, and sought counseling from my pastor that has dealt with me and husband for years and you know what, my husband has a sexual addiction. Very sad but if they don’t acknowledge it it will never change. When I read your comment my first thought was you are so brave, you filed for divorce and you took a stand for your life! Now if we could only snap our fingers and have the pain and thoughts go away, that would be a blessing. Please remember that NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU FOR HIM TO DISHONOR YOU THAT WAY, ITS HIS MESS LET HIM HAVE IT AND OWN IT HIMSELF. You are too special of a woman to be devalued, made to feel unloved! LOVE yourself Julie try hard and fight< I am trying right along with you trust me! In kindest regards Angie

  40. My 50 year old husband had what I believe was an emotional affair for 6 months with a 26 year old. Actually, I am not sure…my heart wants me to believe that, but my head tells me it was more. He has been having an affair since July with our 37 year old neighbor. I didn’t know about either, except I had suspicions about #2, as he is never home…has NEVER been home and has always left my daughter and me at home for years. He works from home and has always told me he needed time out of the house afterwork. Not placing all blame on him, yes I drank a lot of wine because I was lonely and depressed. He also says he left because of my drinking, I was drinking because I was lonely. I have been dry since January and I am going to counseling by myself as he refused to go.

    He has gaslighted me for months, blaming everything on me…telling me I was an episode of intervention, he was nothing but a paycheck, etc….when in fact all I did was try to make life simpler for him by doing EVERYTHING possible in and around the house including all activities for our daughter.

    I am not so much upset about losing him as I am feeling humiliation, shame, betrayed. There is a huge anchor sitting on my chest and I can’t even make it through the day without crying. I read many books about saving a marriage, the 180, tried not showing my emotions in front of him, being nice to him, giving him choices rather than making decisions for him (yes, he also said I was controlling). I have retained an attorney because I know there is NO WAY I can EVER be with him again….but that doesn’t help what I am feeling right now.

    1. Very similar situation as mine. Still raw. Know you’re not alone. I am hearing from friends now who have had similar issues. I didn’t know. The blaming and coldness that the man dishes out. So we feel ashamed and isolated. We’re portrayed as crazy or controlling. But when you get the courage to tell friends…you’ll here a lot of me too. You’re not alone and you’re not to blame for his actions.

    2. Going through exact same minus I don’t drink. I am very familiar with gaslighting. My husband has perfected it. I too have lost all hope and will have to face this is the end. He’s having an affair with his employee. Still denying it even after I caught him kissing her goodbye when he got out of her car to drop him off at his truck. Their meeting place because she’s married too, to a lawyer by the way. We have 4 innocent kids caught in the cross fire. 12 and over. All teens. I am very lonely and very struck with grief.

  41. Roxanna Rene Abraham

    My husband left me almost 9mths ago after well April 13th woll be 34yrs. Its still very hard but I let it be that way he left for another woman and im brong honest shes not a good person. But he stiill comes to me for things like money and food. And i allow it. I need help to be strong to let him go to tell him no.

  42. MARG

    My husband and I were togeter for 37years . EarlyJanuary 2018 he told me he didnt love me anymore. I was in complete shock.. He slowly was withdrawing from me . Then My beautiful Grandson was born.. He want doing well Then in a week He was diagnosed with a rare cancer out of my daughters womb in January 2018. The whole family was in shock.. l was looking after my Granddaughter for 6 weeks so my daughter could go visit her baby .l spent 10 months supporting my daughter looking after my Granddaughter and when l wasnt with her l was at the hospital spending time with my grandson as we didnt know how much time we had with him . Going through 21 surgerys ,chemo , infections ICU..
    His such a fighter we brought him home later October..
    This is when l started seeing a big change him not wanting to have nothing to do with be pushing me away. Not respecting swearing at me wanting to be alone. All l wanted was to spend time with him . We finally got our family home. He moved out 2 weeks bfore Christmas. I went to stay at girlfriend for New Years. On the 6 January my sons girlfriend text me saying that her and my daughter had to let me know that he had another woman in his life… My children knew before l did.. How can he be so cruel. What was l to him in those 37urars??
    He still has come back home twice to collect a few thing’s. No explanation nothing. Just abounded his family. 3 beautiful grown children and 5 grandbubies..
    How do men do this? Stick there head in the sand. Wont come finish whats been his for 37years. I dont get it l probably never will… Not being responsible
    I havent even dealt with my grandson being unwell and in remission now let alone my stuiped husband aged 56 running off with someone from his work. What hurts the most about this is while my grandson was fighting for his life he was having an affair. What time of women is she ? SO HURT

  43. MaxieP
    Hello, my story is a little different I think. I say I think because I didn’t read everyone’s stories. My Ex left me for another man. I know this is another story line!

  44. Hi all
    As a man I read the posts also trying to understand and find closure:
    Was married 34yrs 11months. About 6 years ago me ex and I started having personality conflicts and in essence to have my way I started lying to her. I played online games that caused emotional cheating and I found a way to experience an outlet which otherwise would have made me go out of the marriage. I felt that it was under control
    Being mere online chatting as I had never cheated on her in all 35yrs. She is a very religious woman and had very little tolerance for anything ungodly. She caught my 3 times playing online and caused us to sleep in separate rooms but we reconciled. I never met any on the woman I interacted with online and it was not my intention to ever leave my ex. My two daughters aged 32 and 35 knew of the issues my ex and I had but I never stopped loving or caring for my ex till the end. 6 months before I walked out the house never to return my ex of 55yr spent a night kissing and cuddling a 28yr marine on a visit to my daughter in abu Dhabi. After her return from abu Dhabi and having her ego boosted by younger men’s attention she treated me like a dog for two months. I stopped the online gaming and joined tinder and had a few sexual encounters as felt payback was in order. I knew sooner or later I would be caught out which is what happened.
    My ex found out and asked me to leave and filed for divorce. I gave her everything, I left with my clothes and some tools and a bed. Her alimony per month is 80% of my income.
    I remarried quickly after considering my situation and realizing that going back to my ex wife would never work or be the same considering her hard Christian values. She begged me back a month after I left the house but I had already given my new wife my solemn promise not to hurt her or leave her. I never wanted to get divorced but she told me to leave and I did. Her filing for divorce immediately and turning my daughter’s on me and withholding my grandsons from me ever since has not been easy. I was so hurt by them all that I was prepared to break into my old house and comit suicide in it for them all to find me there but thank goodness I have been able to get past that idea. I remarried soon after the divorce was thru with a wonderful woman with 3 adopted children. She is financially stable and I can look forward to my old age stress free. Personally I’m overindebted with very little to show for 34yrs marriage as she got everything including my daughters grandkids and assets. There is alot that I miss and mourn but i need to focus now on me and my new family as my ex family want nothing to do with me except pay her alimony. I gave her a stay at home life to raise my girls only to lose everything and my daughters and now I must pay her for the rest of my life because of the life I gave her.

    1. You lied and were online with other women. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t meet them and never intended to. You should’ve talked to your wife and thought about her instead of just yourself. Was she supposed to put up with what you were doing? Just because you didn’t meet these women or have sex with them, it was still cheating. If you weren’t doing anything wrong you wouldn’t have been hiding it. I don’t understand how men or women can do this to their spouses and their kids. If you’re not happy you don’t cheat! You talk to your spouse because they’re not a mind reader!

  45. I left my ex after 17 years together. I found out he was having an affair with my married best friend. I confronted him about her and he said if I didn’t like it that it was just too bad. So I went and got pre approved for a mortgage, shopped around for a house and bought one. After that was all said and done he comes down with cancer. So I nursed him through it, and then told him I was leaving after his chemo and cancer was gone. When I told him I was leaving as he treated me like crap he said it was my fault as I was fat. He could and has never owned up to being a total jerk. Now my ex married best friend’s husband passed away 5 months ago and they are now moving in together. I quit being friends with her when I left my ex 2 years ago, as I cannot stand either of them. I am still bitter and angry and am having problems moving on. I have seen and spoken to therapists and I know I should just let go and move on and be happy but I still feel a rage against the 2 of them. Her husband knew about them as he was physically incapacitated and encouraged them. Then they wondered why I didn’t want to be friends with them anymore. I just shake my head at some people. I need to stop being angry and get on with my life.

    1. Reason being is he told me if her husband passed away he was leaving me for her anyhow. And sure enough they are together. I hate them so much how do I get over it?

  46. My husband left 2 weeks ago and I’m in complete agony. He says it’s not because of her but there is no other place he would be. I came home after work and all of his stuff was gone from our home. Said he wanted a divorce, left me a letter and walked out the door and haven’t seen him since. We have been together for 13 years. Married for 1 1/2 years. I caught him having an affair through text messages 1 week before Christmas. She is 8 years younger than me. He told me he started seeing her in aug. he broke it off with her after I found out. But she kept messaging him and vis versa. told me he loved her and they have a deep connection. He blocked me on his phone so I can’t even contact him. It’s like I never existed to him. All I see is the two of them together with a new life…a life that was supposed to be ours. Up to the day he left he said he loved me. It’s like he was living a double life but he choose her. I’m completely shattered. I’m left with so many questions and no answers. Feel so alone. How does someone throw away 13 years of a life together with someone like this…any comments back I would really appreciate. Thanks for listening.

    1. Hi Kate – Your story is nearly identical to mine, I am heartbroken right now and do not know what to do. A week before Christmas, I found out about an affair my husband was having as well, and he also told me he had ended it. However, he has been secretly seeing her for the past three months and I think is on the verge of leaving. He hasn’t officially told me yet, but I am assuming that is the next step. We have been married for 14 years, and have three young children. We have so many memories and all I can think about is how much I want things to be back the way they used to be, and I have no idea how this could happen. How could someone throw away such a perfect life that we had, I am completely lost, confused, and shattered as well. I need to keep it together because of my children, and I assume we will all have to go to some type of counseling together. One thing I do know is, that there is nothing I could have done to prevent this from happening, it is not my fault, so you should know it is not yours either. Just wanted to let you know there is someone suffering the same pain that you are, maybe somehow this will make sense some day. I pray every day for peace, and that he will snap back to his old self. Praying helps tremendously if you haven’t tried that, and also make sure to surround yourself with supportive people. I could not have gotten through this ordeal so far without the support of my in-laws (yes, my husband’s family nonetheless). I will pray for you as well.

      1. Hi. I know how you feel. I was married for 13 years and with my ex husband for almost 14 years. He had an affair for at least a year while working out of town. I didn’t suspect anything till he came home for good. He was only coming home once a month. I never thought he would ever do this! This home wrecker he is with us hideous and she is 32 and he’s 43. She looks more like she’s 52! She has never been married and has no kids. He left and acted like everything was my fault. I was a stay at home mom and took care of everything. He tells me to get over it after he blind sided me! My girls are young. They were 11 and 7 when he left. It will be a year in June. Our divorce has been final since January 1st and he got engaged in October and is getting married a week before our anniversary in October! His family is treating me like I’m the one that had an affair. I can’t stand any of them anymore or him! They don’t care what he did to me or my girls! They are just excepting this home wrecker like nothing has happened! My oldest is almost 13 now and won’t have anything to do with him because of what he’s done. He tries to blame me for that too! He’s the one that told them 3 weeks after he left that he had a girlfriend! I swear he’s a narcissist! Everything is always about him and what he needs and wants! You’re lucky your ex’s family isn’t treating you like crap. I am angry and hurt and can’t believe he is getting married already! I just don’t understand how he could’ve done this to us!

    2. Hi Kate. Please look after yourself.
      Rest and feed your body well. You will feel better just give it time. I am sure you feel like you never knew him. My now ex husband & I were together 24 years. 22 married. He was my best friend and lover. I thought I knew him and we would grow old together. We chose not to have children by choice and enjoyed our life travelling and our families. I was v close up his parents.
      He started acting strangely. He started an affair but never would be honest even when I confronted him with evidence after 4 months of horrific limbo. I never got any answers or truth. Even when she had got pregnant while he was still living with me – he was still insisting it was a friendship
      I divorced him and got my own place. He moved out of the area. Within s year he moved back and bought a house 6 doors away with the other woman and child. We commute on the same timetable. He denied it but knew where I lived.
      I cannot afford to move again. Financially I now have to work full time up to retirement with a mortgage.
      I don’t know if he’s happy. He never wanted kids. There doesn’t seem much karma.
      However, believe me, you will become strong & independent and find a new life for yourself. Not the one you envisaged, true, but you will be happy again.
      In time you will come to accept there will not be answers. It’s hard. Men are cowards and they can’t face up to the guilt. Don’t be surprised if he lashes out at you or blames you
      You are not to blame. Stay Strong. Look to your friends and family for support. They will get you through this.
      I hope this helps iin some small way.
      Yes I do miss him still but I look at it this way – I had his best years of him, his youth. Like you did. They have the old man that is coming. You will find love and happiness again. Bless you. Please feel free to reply.

      1. I am suffering too. I’ve been married 18 years and have 4 children 12 and over. All teens. My husband and I have been having problems a long time. He emotionally checked out 2-3 yrs ago. I tried like hell to reach him but he wouldn’t talk to me. Went to counseling few times he wouldn’t budge. We have been physically separated 3 months, supposed to be a trial, give space. I found out last week by catching him with this woman. He’s still blatantly lying but I have proof. He is having an affair with one of his employees that he’s been good friends with they have worked together 6 years. She is married too. I am completely devastated and feel he is in love with her just knowing how close they were at work. He has said “ he’s at point he wants divorce “ after I’ve been asking him for over a year and him telling me he doesn’t. He sent me so many mixed signals last 2 years. He has gaslighted me so many times making me feel crazy. She doesn’t have kids but is married she’s 46 he’s 44. It’s such an unfair playing field when they are only around each other during stress free uninterrupted times. He is showing anger and coldness, I don’t know this man, and especially when I said he’s risking his career. He said the only person risking his career his me if I go to the company “ with false allegations “. I see no empathy no concern for what he’s putting me through. It hurts more than I can bare. I have very little emotional support.I would appreciate any help or advice I can get from women that can understand what I’m going through. Thank you.

        1. Hi Heidi,
          I was reading your lost and while I wasn’t married anything near as long as you l, our stories are similar. My husband was having an affair with what would be his subordinate but she is on another “team” it is not necessarily against the rules but is very much frowned upon and does put him at risk. BUT they don’t care. And what you said about how it’s unfair because they get to be around each other when it’s stress free etc. is exactly how I feel! How could I have competed when she was there to have a beer or joke around, have that exciting passion of secrecy and risk. I was the one holding our lives together. Making sure groceries were bought, bills were paid, laundry done, and our child taken care of. Of course being at home with me wouldn’t be that fun I didn’t even have a chance. The thing is the women my husband left me for is still married and has three children. She knew who I was and that I had just had a child and that I had no clue what was happening but she still did it. Now they want to be together:..they are playing it safe (as I have found out from one of his confidants) and making it seem as though they are just friends as she tried to leave her husband without losing the child wrong etc. I have full confidence that they will be together at some point and I would like to think that reality will hit them…but as I have read from so many people there is a good chance they may be perfectly happy and never look back. I am just starting to deal with the fall out of all of this and I have my ok days that are followed closely with unbearable ones. But I do try to keep reminding myself that God never wanted this so it will never be the “right” path for him to be taking…and yes he may find happiness but it will never be the happiness that was intended for him. That being said it doesn’t stop the hurt and anger from over taking me. And also (sorry to be so scattered). Ya you also mentioned the coldness etc. that had been another extremely hard thing to deal with is the complete disregard for me or anything we had created. He has complete indifference for me and is the worst pain to know you mean nothing to someone you love. I’m sorry that I don’t have better advice as I’m just starting in my journey but I can say this site and realizing I am not completely alone is a wonderful step. So I’m here if you ever want to chat!

    3. Also identical to my story, after 15 years of marriage he left in Dec (for an acquaintance he had been secretly seeing since Aug 18) , when I was away with our daughter, (he booked this flight to get us out of the way) when I arrived home he came back to me after she threw him out but only because I exposed him of texting me while he was supposed to be with her. He came back only to pretend he wanted me, then asked me to go visit family in February 🤔 nearing valentines day, which I refused. He left 3 weeks later after a drunken night out and never returning home. For him to contact n say “where do u think I am”!!!!!!.
      Anyway she deserves him, after knowing already he’s a cheat and lier.
      I packed my stuff and moved countries with my daughter to start a new life.

    4. Kate I am going through the very same thing you are I know the betrayal, shock and horror are just too much to bare. I am trying to learn from this. He never deserved me. I’m in agony too so I really feel for you. I know just what it’s like I’m living it

    5. Married for 15 years with 4 kids. He’s cheated before and I new something was up but hoped I was just being paranoid with trust issues. Find out he was having an affair for months! Looking back things make sense now. He had started a new job at a hotel and started working rediculous hours even spending the night there ( something we fought about often). He had become distant and not interested in sex. I chalked it up to him being tired from long hours at work. He didn’t get me a Christmas present. At my birthday he didn’t even want to sit next to me… I was so confused. He didn’t get me a present then either. Now I find out he was buying her gifts all along and they are “ in love”. I’m devastated. Never thought I’d be 36 with 4 kids and begging for my job back that I thought I’d never have to go back to since I was a stay at home mom now. Every time he talks he’s so nonchalant like he’s done nothing wrong. Crying does nothing. He’s just ready to be divorced so they can start their lives together. Meanwhile I’m stuck answering all the tears and questions our kids have. I have really good days where I see a rainbow up a head and believe others when they say his relationship won’t last and that one day he’ll be sorry and miserable. And then I have days like today where all I do is cry and feel like I can’t live through this. I scour the internet for similar stories just to know I’m not alone but the pain is still there. I go from blaming myself to realizing he’s just an awful person. I’m in mourning of everything I dreamed we would be and everything we would have. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with and all I can do is pray that they end up miserable.

    6. Omg this happened to me around the same time. I am still stunned about it. I am lost. We have a 11 yr old together so it makes it harder. Idk what to do and how to do things right now. Completely lost. I hate him. I know it’s a strong feeling but it’s how I feel. It hurts to the very core of my heart. I don’t know how to even begin not to care. I just want to scream kick n cry all day. Staying strong for my son is so hard. I know how you feel n can only imagine what you are thinking n what you want to do. We did so much for them for them to leave us for a younger 27 yr old. For what!!!!????

  47. Hello everyone well this is my story i am 63 we had been 39 years together 34 married to whom i thought was my soulmate i had 2 little girls from my first marriage then we had two beautiful boys who are now men one married with 4 children the two girls each have 2 girls of their own now so 8 grandchildren all up i became aware 9 months ago that my husband could be having a relationship with another woman i immediatly blamed myself as our sexual relations had come to a halt after i went through menapause i told him i wasnt enjoying sex he took it very personally and basically turned his back on me we carried on for 10 years being intimate only occasionally up until 5 years ago it all stopped we still enjoyed holidays together he even bought a motorhome 12 months before leaving me and built the home of our dreams 7 years ago . But 9 months ago i was alerted to the fact he was seeing someone else when i confronted him he denied it but i kept questioning him he came home from work after 3 days of me having meltdowns and said i think we should split and coldly told me how things would be wanted to be amicable because we might “cross paths” in the street he would be fair with splitting assets i could get myself a “little place ” you wont be rich but you will be comfortable” then i stayed with my sister on the saturday night and came home sunday all his clothes had gone from the wardrobe passport and dog no note just devasation for me , we rarely argued and i let him make all the decisions he runs his own business which has been quite successful and ran all the finances he is still paying the household bills but basically told me i should have done better for myself i earn $600 a week he earns$160,000 per week i know this is long but i need to get it out
    SO 9 months of grief sorrow hurt anguish lonlieness frightened in limbo waiting for settlement as he is trying to give me as little as
    possible he has turned into someone i dont know his new woman is life coaching him he changed his diet smoothies healthy he talks to himself in the mirror so im told he grew a beard which he never ever remotely seemed interested in he started hot yoga 3 years ago he moved in with a woman a friend he told me i said why dont i know this friend you know who all my friends are its still so raw and i cant stop thinking about him the things he said to me etc i need to get past this i have loved and trusted this man for 39 years

    1. Lucy
      You are not alone, it’s like they have flicked a switch and moved on.
      It’s the painful, cold hearted,callous, cruel things they say and do. They will say anything to justify what they have done.
      If you remember back when you both first met, it was exciting and sex was great. But life gets in the way, we age, we go through the menopause. I thought we would age gracefully together and enjoy retirement, how wrong was I !!
      He’s experiencing excitement , lust which doesn’t last for ever …..then what is he left with ?
      Surround yourself with close friends and family for support. Take one day at a time, and try to achieve one thing a day if it’s only getting up and showering ….you’ve done it!
      Look after yourself, try counselling, massage anything for yourself xxx

  48. I posted on here at the beginning of the month after finding out that my husband who I had been with from being 14yrs old and married to for 6yr had been having an affair and left me for her well he wouldn’t tell me who she was but he swore that I didn’t know her that she didn’t live anywhere near me or work in the area well yesterday I found out who she is and was shocked to learn that I know her and she works in the local village Costa coffee where my husband has been going for the last 8 months and lives in the area also but if that wasn’t enough to take in she is now pregnant with his baby or so she says as she has also been seeing someone else at the same time I looked on her profile page and she is fat and nothing much to look at he has been buying and sending flowers to her whilst she’s at work and he sed he couldn’t have our daughter on Valentine’s Day/night and now I know why as she has been openly posting where they have been going they went for a romantic night away to Leeds in a hotel she has photos of flowers that he buys her nearly every week he’s treating her like she’s some princess and yet she is really ugly I was expecting her to be very slim and gorgeous looking so I did laugh when I seen her photos and when I went to her work to confront here she actually doesn’t care that she has took my husband away from me and a daddy away from his little girl, she lives in a scruffy flat always out drinking even during the day her family are a load of small time drug dealers basically the scum of the earth type and he’s absolutely besotted with her she is everything he used to call names about for being scruffy I can’t understand why he has left a good decent wife and his daughter for this person who has had more men than hot dinners and is some sort of party animal, his family are treating me like this even though I’m the one who is the victim in all this I spoke to his mam on the phone who kept shouting sarcasticly at me ‘youse weren’t together’ but we were together this girl has been so open on fb page she even changed her relationship status to in a relationship on the 11th January which when I found out about him cheating I asked him how long he had been seeing her and he sed two weeks it’s nothing serious but I am going to see how it goes with her now if he was telling the truth he should of started seeing her on the 14-15january yet this girl has change me her status on the 11th so they have obviously been seeing each other for weeks before that as I wouldn’t of thought anyone would change it the day they go on a first date?! And now she pregnant and he says it’s nothing to do with me and truthfully I don’t think he was ever going to tell me about any of it I think he was just going to wait till I seen them out and seen that they were together and that she’s pregnant I find myself struggling as to why he could be so cruel to me when we took 4 year to get our daughter as we really struggled and we lost our first baby yet he has an affair and she’s pregnant straight away if god is good it’s not his it’ll be the other mans and I can laugh at him for being a fool but I know I’m not that lucky for it to turn out like that he grew up without a father cos his dad did exactly the same to his mam and he always sed he wouldn’t do it to me or our daughter as he struggled growing up knowing his dad was playing happy families with his other kids and ignored him yet this is what he is going to now do to our daughter I have told him to never ever come to my home to collect our daughter agen I’ve told him he ain’t seeing her as I don’t want her to get hurt in all this he has turned into the most spiteful selfish and rotten person I honestly don’t recognise him anymore please if u have been in this situation tell me it’s gets a bit easier over time cos right now I am beyond crushed to pieces

    1. Hi Gemma. Oh hun, it’s hard,and I get it, been there. Please,don’t stop the relationship with his daughter,she still deserves a daddy. Regardless of what’s happening with you two,don’t remove his chance of seeing her just to get back at him. Now, this is going to become hard, but leave him to it. That means no ringing,texting,trying to meet up with him. You are the most important person right now, and yes your husband has completely lost his head, but you need to hold it together for that little girl. Like you my ex went off with the local town bike. Did many unacceptable things, and I went no contact. Kept it up for over a year,only discussing our daughter. In that time it made me realise I deserved better. Six months into the relationship of the century he would turn up uninvited,trying to feel wether or not I missed him etc. I never gave him anything,shut the door on him. It was extremely painful, but you can get through this., if I did. He soon realised what a mistake he made, but for me it was too late. I could never take a man back who cheated. You may surprise yourself,but it really is early days. Sort your finances out. If you can photocopy everything, bank statement says etc. See a solicitor, because he has a duty to pay child and spousal support. Don’t,listen to any excuses he makes. He’s in the honeymoon phase a time the moment, usually lasts 6 months to two years. The chance of this relationship working are very slim. I mean not trying to give you false hope,but statistically they have a 10% chance of making it…not much is it? Anything you say will fall on deaf ears so say nothing. It’s time to grow balls,and take care of your business. Surround yourself with people who love you,and get out the house. Meet friends,and start building a new life,because he may not come back, or you may decide you don’t want him.
      It’s been two years for me,and if he were the last man I’d never take him back. We now coparent,and he’s said numerous times what a dick he’s been, how sorry he is, how much he loves me. Too little too late. I’m indifferent,and my ex is now moving into his own place,after shacking up with the OW for 16 months. Sad isn’t it. Hugs my darling, you can get through this, take it day By day,and take really good care of yourself and that’s little girl xxxx

  49. So devastated. My father and mother just died and I had our baby.. hes now 10 months old, I’m a breastfeeding mother and am not working. I just found out my husband is having an affair with a women that he had an affair with 10 yrs ago… she knew what I had just been through and she contacted him off fb.. I don’t know what to do.. he also just filed 4 divorce and he has just restarted this affair 2 weeks ago.

    1. Do you have any friends or a church that you could reach out to during this terrible situation? I’m so sorry and I’m devastated for you. I’ve been in a similar situation, and some women are complete sociopaths. This doesn’t have anything to do with you. This is your husbands defect with intimacy. He likely needs to join a addiction group in the area of sex and love addiction. Focus more on making yourself stronger. Can you reach out to a counsellor? If so I would get an appointment with one to help you sort out next steps. Your first inclination might be to keep this all private. But you’ve not done anything wrong, reach out to friends, and any family that you might have to set up a support network for yourself. You are in a critical place to be caring for your baby, and also caring for yourself at the same time. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but things will get better. This has nothing to do with you, or something you don’t have, or fulfill for your husband. This is your husbands issue, and he may have told you he stopped having an affair 10 years ago, maybe he did maybe he didn’t. but I guess is he’s been keeping in touch with her, and or other women too. The baby will have brought all of these issues for him to the surface. And this is likely why he’s filed for divorce. A marriage counsellor might be able to help, but more than likely he needs to go to a professional who is trained in addiction counseling. Im so sorry and I hope you ‘re able to get the support you need for yourself and baby. Take care.

    2. So my situation has changed dramatically my husband has been trying to win me back after realising the woman he left me for was not all that and the grass wasn’t greener etc but what I can’t get over is they were together for 2 weeks and she fell pregnant straight away she is now 12wks pregnant and furious that he has chose to be back with me his wife of which he has been with for 15yrs she calls herself his girlfriend and me the ex she doesn’t understand she was an affair in our marriage and nothing more she acts like she’s the wife and I’m the other woman I don’t want him anywhere near her but now there’s a baby on the way and he wants to be apart of the baby’s life I find myself praying it’s not his as she was with her boyfriend whilst sleeping with my husband I know the outcome isn’t going to be what I want and I’m stressed as we have decided to go to marriage counselling to get back on track but I just think the baby is gunna change it everything when it’s born and we have a 2 year old girl who is so confused as to what is happening around her.. any advice would be appreciated ladies xx

      1. Gemma
        I really do not understand how you can take your husband back so easily after this betrayal? The same thing happened to me and he got the other woman pregnant. That was the nail in the coffin for me. Up until then there may have been a chance. He had lied and lied. How can you trust your husband ?? How do you know he won’t have another affair? Did you suspect?
        FYI we were together 25 years from the age of 21 so it was very hard. He was my soulmate and Best friend or so I thought. So Much longer than you. But I’d lost all respect for him.
        And I had to preserve my own self respect.

  50. Hello ladies,

    I am coming to you because I believe that I need advice regarding my situation. I am not yet divorced but very probably soon to be, and while I’m trying my best to stay strong in those hard times, I can feel my strength disappear day by day. My husband and I have been married for 6 months but in a relationship for 8 years; we were in a long distance relationship for most of the relationship, but being both students it seemed the most logical solution. During those 8 years, we encountered hard times but we always pushed forward in hope of getting married. Finally in January 2018, we decided to marry, be able to finally live together (yay!) and create a family. I thought all was going well; he’s on business trips often for work so we were still apart from each other but the comforting thought that he’d come home to me was just so incredible. I have always been very devoted to him and I am fiercely loyal; I never strayed nor have I ever doubted this marriage. He is a very extroverted person, always surrounded by friends, while I am quite introverted and enjoy being on my own. I never ever doubted him regarding all his friendships.Sadly last weekend, while he was on a business trip to Italy, he told me he was going to meet one of those « friends » that he met online and that he’d be too busy having fun to call me or text me; I found that very suspicious, but decided not to be overly paranoid over a friendly meeting. It turned out that this girl he met was his « girlfriend » and that before coming home, he had sex with her, followed by the promise to break things off with me so they could officially be together. This came to me as a total shock; I was so hurt, so in pain and cried for hours and hours, being lost and not knowing what to do (I am from France and I left all my family and friends behind when I came to live with him in America). He told me that he didn’t love me like before, that he loved her so much, he couldn’t live without her (they had been talking for only 4 months mind you) and that while he was thankful to me for all the times I was by his side and helped him, he didn’t love me anymore. I decided to be strong and told him that I wanted to talk to her on the phone, that I wanted to hear her version of the facts; he agreed, and I proceeded to tell her all about how I didn’t know that my marriage was « ending » when she was having sex with my husband and how he lied, how he manipulated both of us and was trying to get the best of both worlds. I tried to be empathetic with her because I refused to hate the « other woman » and I just really thought of what would be the best for her, as a woman. She told me that she was sorry for hurting me, that I had been wonderful to call her and be so kind and that she’d cut all ties with him as soon as we would hang up the phone. Long story short, she did just that (blocking him on all social media platforms) and my husband went mad; he started breaking everything around him, screaming at me to « get the f*** out of his house », that I had « ruined his life », that he « never wanted to see my face again ». I was terrified of this man, this stranger inside this house where I had started to build upon my hopes and dreams… I ended up calling his mother because I had no idea how to control this epic tantrum and she managed to tear him a new one about his behavior and actions towards me. It was good to feel like someone was on my side; that I had not been crazy for doing what I did. Anyways, while discussing the imminent divorce today, he said to me « you and I could remain friends and see each other from time to time; after all, after almost 9 years, we’ve built a lot of great memories, right? It would be a waste to throw it all away». I was flabbergasted by this total display of empathy and felt even more insulted by those words than by the whole affair; he asked for some time to think about it and change his mind about the divorce but I’m already packing my bags and rebuilding my dignity because I know how this will end. He wants to go back to Italy to be able to get « closure » from this girl, but we all know that wouldn’t happen; he’s just trying to justify getting there to see her again. We had planned to have a baby this year, I had started repainting the walls for the nursery, we got two dogs….I’m just exhausted and so disappointed… I spent so many years building myself and my life up for this marriage, just to realize I wasn’t even loved… he wants to keep me as an emotional crutch but I deserve more than this, I deserve to be loved and cherished. I deserve a man, not a child; I know he will never change, but I resent myself for loving him so much even after this. Going back to France with no home, no job is going to be tough, the face of my parents when they will pick me up at the airport.. this is going to be so hard… I ‘m just heartbroken from what I know we could have been; if he had just decided to not give into sin and kept his eyes on God and me, we could have fixed that. He’s not even truly sad about me leaving, he’s more sad about her which, in turn, makes me even MORE sad. Anyways, thank you so much to anyone reading this monster of a comment and sorry for my English, I know it’s far from coherent and smooth. Any message would be appreciated as I feel so alone and broken, any comfort would be very welcome. Thank you so much everyone.

    1. Please remember to keep your eyes on God. He has been my rock throughout my situation with my soon to be ex. You are not alone in this situation unfortunately. My go to verse has been Jeremiah 29:11. Stay strong in your faith. your family will not. be disappointed. They will be there for you.

    2. Antionette Johnson

      Elizabeth Johnson

      I am sorry sorry for you pain. I went through pain and anguish….my husband of 20 years left me for his younger woman. She is 17 years his junior. While my mother was on her death bed..he was having a relationship with someone I knew very well. She came to my home and ate…sat beside me in church and spoke to me on the phone.
      My x divorce me quickly and moved out.
      I can attest to the fact that prayer and the word of God works….trust me u will be better off. Prepare your heart for your future husband.

  51. Oh how awful. I am so sorry and feel your pain as I went through that terrible time myself. It’s been almost 5 months for me. My husband left me for someone 15 years older than he is. She is 63!!!
    I am going through the divorce process right now. I don’t cry nearly as much as in the first 3 months so it does get better. I chose no contact maybe that is what is helping me adjust. I am angry though but keeping it to myself with the use of a punching bag. I am seeing a counselor so you might try that if you can. I also chose to be placed on antidepressants for the anxiety. The anxiety was debilitating for me. I had to do something to help myself. Exercising helps. I would either walk or run. Journal journal journal. Get the feelings out don’t suppress them. If you don’t you may become depressed. After this is over and you have felt all you need to feel to heal, you will be better for it in your next relationship. Acknowledge what went wrong in this relationship to ensure you don’t take any problems into your next relationship. This time will be for you and your daughter. Find yourself. This is what I am trying to do. I have been a wife and mother for 22 years and just don’t know what to do with myself. I am forcing myself to do this as I really don’t want to do anything at this point. I am trying to get myself moved 5 hours away from them. I am going back to my home town where family is. I need them right now as well as my son. I am frightened for my future but if I work hard, I can make a life for myself. You will as well. Do your grieving for however long it takes but try to avoid do it around your daughter. Think positive thoughts. That is what my counselor says. Say positive things to yourself all day long. Eventually, you will believe you will be happy again and have this amazing new life with a new incredible guy. You are still young. You will have an amazing life eventually. This is the new norm. People are divorcing all the time and are having amazing lives. That is what I am trying to think. I am 57 so it will be harder for me. I am still not sure if I want one but if I do meet one, who knows how I’ll feel. You can do this and feel good and even great again you’ll see. Sending love your way. I know how you feel. We’ll make it!!!!

  52. My husband left me on New Year’s Eve for another woman I was shocked as only 2 days before he was talking about having another baby and holidays in the new year we had been together since I was 14 and he was 16 he was my best friend through life it hit me like a ton of bricks when I found out 2 weeks later that he had been seeing this girl behind my back I am having to move out of the marital home and start again with our 2 yr old daughter I feel like I am being punished for something he decided to do to me he hasn’t apologised and won’t tell me who the girl is or when he met her he’s very protective of her and calls her his girlfriend to my face it’s very hurtful as I thought we were happy planning another wonderful year together but now I feel everything he had planned to do with me he’s now going to do it all with her we have now only been separated for 4 weeks and his ‘relationship ‘ with her is growing stronger as he stays with her at her home most evenings and doesn’t want to take our daughter out because he would rather be with her it’s as if he has pushed aside all his responsibilities for this younger woman he’s 32 and now acting like he’s in his early 20’s my friends and family say it’ll be a flash in the pan and he will regret it all but I’m not too sure he says he hates me but I’ve done nothing wrong to him it’s as if he has forgotten how happy we were for 15yrs because he’s in this love bubble with her now it’s crushed my life I haven’t eaten for 7 days I can’t sleep cos every time I close my eyes I imagine him with her and can’t cope with the emotions of feeling like I wasn’t good enough for him I hate him for what he’s done to me & our daughter but still love him and cry all the time because I know it’s over for good and I can’t come to terms with the decisions he’s made in ending our marriage for this new woman I feel worthless, ugly and unwanted by the one person who alway told me he loved me he even text and told me 2 days before he walked out on me which is why I’m finding it so hard to come to terms with I have no family support I was close to his family but they are agreeing with what he has done to me and will soon be welcoming this new woman into the family and I’m sure she will be sat in my marital home next week when I have moved out I have asked him to keep her away until the divorce is finalised but I do t think he will because he doesn’t care how much I’m hurting he’s just gunna do what he wants he dropped our daughter off tonight and rushed off to go to her house with all the new clothes on and trainers that I had just bought him for Christmas and now all I can think about is Valentine’s Day I used to have to remind him to get me a card and flowers but I’m pretty sure he will be rushing to the shops to buy this woman gifts and spoil her when he should be doing all that for me please someone on here who’s gone through this tell me the pain eases over time because right now it’s killing me inside

    1. My dear Gemma, Omg my heart is breaking for you so much I don’t have words for you! My husband left me before Christmas and just like you blames me for everything that he is doing wrong! He says mean things to me and more! It’s only been almost 2 months for me and I do want to tell you that since December 14 when he left my heart and stomach do not feel the same way or is a little better. I did not not eat for 28 days straight not could I sleep at all. I too dreamed of my husbands coworker and him together and sweetie please let me tell you to please fight to change your thoughts on something true and lovely and kind! I started tormenting myself with the thoughts and one day I said wait a minute I’m not gonna give this woman the satisfaction of controlling me from a far I WILL NOT. I am better than her she is empty and selfish and does not have a heart ! Same goes for your situation , this is their sin they created and trust me it’s not gonna last cause it’s sin, a LIE, God does not honor this. The consequences of their actions are gonna come trust me because you did not deserve this it’s cruel! That’s how I feel what my husband is doing. I pray that you experience some comfort and peace in your heart today! I pray that you will dig down in the strength and the courage that YOU HAVE and stand tall! Your are NOT worthless , ugly or unwanted! Your husband is loosing a loving beautiful and courageous woman that gave him the love she had and he is missing out! My pastor told me Angie your husband is NOT happy out there doing what he is he is miserable trust me and one day he is gonna coming crying to you when it hits him and at that point you will have the best response for him that God is going to give you and you are gonna have the most unbelievable peace about yourself that you will know you won’t have any regrets of your response !! Please please believe that all of us here on this site are going through all this heartache for a reason. We are ALL going to be OVERCOMERS and make a difference in someone else’s life watch. Because we have experienced it we can give back to someone else hurting and in pain. I wish I had a magic wond to heal your heart right now this moment, I don’t want anyone to feel the pain I do not at all! The love you have for your husband that he is rejecting turn it ALL around on yourself and fill yourself with it! I say to myself I’m going 1 day at a time with this broken heart and yes it doesn’t hurt like it did a month ago! Your name is going to be in my prayers tonight like all of us on here! You are special and strong even if you don’t feel it right now YOU ARE! With love Angie

      1. Thank you so much for your kind words I have now moved into my new home with my daughter and feel much better I still have a little cry at night as my soon to be ex husband has turned into a whole new person and has no respect for me as his wife or mother of his child he continues to see this other woman and has said to me he is going to see how things go with her I have told him numerous times that I will never take him back so to be sure that he has made the right decision in picking this other woman over his family.. hopefully in time when my broken heart is healed I can find my true mr right who will treat me and my daughter well x

        1. Update on my Situation within a small space of time I’ve lost my home my husband and my daughter has lost her dad the woman he left me for is now pregnant he wasn’t going to tell me I had to find out who she was by myself and that I know her she’s lives in the same area as me and now he thinks it’s great that he’s going to be a daddy again now I know this girl and she is well known for running about with other men sleeping around she was infact seeing someone else the same time as my husband so if god is good it will turn out this baby is t my husbands and I can have a good laugh at the life he gave away for a little liar just like him I feel crushed by this news and his close family are thrilled there’s a baby on the way now a lot of his other family find it to be a disgrace and have said they will not be welcome in their homes which gives me some comfort in knowing that people understand the hurt he is causing by the actions of these two awful people I have told him my daughter will be having nothing to do with the baby and I sharent acknowledge it as her step brother or sister now I know I may sound petty in doing so but he used to cry to me because his father had other children and lived with them and not him and he was always treat different to them and I won’t allow my daughter to feel like she’s an outsider and not worthy of her fathers affections please If u have gone thru the same please tell me it gets easier because I have had to deal with all this in the small space of 8wks it’s too much to take in and it’s crushing me

    2. Dear Gemma,
      I really sympathised with your situation as lots of things you said were so true of my situation. I discovered my husband had been having an affair on Dec 22nd 2018. This was his 2nd affair. The first one was 13 years earlier and we worked through it. We have been together since we were 19 and barely spent more than 2 days apart in all that time. As far as I was concerned, he was my soulmate and I imagined us growing old together. He obviously had other ideas.
      I asked him to leave that day and I haven’t seen him since. We have had lots of contact through messages as we share 3 children and that has been our main focus for communicating.
      I informed the husband of his mistress about the affair soon after Christmas and their marriage ended too. My husband and his mistress are now making a go of things, living separately. This is the part that is tearing me apart. It feels like they are now sailing through life, leaving devastation behind them and only interested in satisfying each other. Friends say to me, oh it won’t last, but I believe it will. I think they will have to make it work as they’ve given up their families to be together.
      This has been the worst pain I have ever endured and I’ve not been able to go back to work since Christmas, yet he never had a day off.
      Some days I enjoy being able to do whatever I want but then other days I feel such grief and I can’t stop crying. This week, I just can’t seem to get the two of them off my mind. He’s even saying to my teenage boys that she’d like to meet them one day, the poor kids are still dealing with grief! They are having regular contact but they really don’t know how to move forward.
      I’m having counselling, starting next week, so I’m hoping this will help and just keeping myself busy with friends but it’s so hard when I’m in my own company.

      1. Hi Jane,
        I am so sorry for your great loss. I know exactly how you feel. It is so hard dealing with this. I’ve lost 40 lbs since September. It’s difficult to even pick myself up each day but I do. It helps to have others going through the same thing so if you need a chat, let me know. We are better than they are. We were faithful wives and did everything for our families to ensure their happiness and comfort. We will find our happiness again as long as we do for ourselves first. We have to make ourselves a top priority so we can move on to find that happiness. Let them flounder and have regrets for what they did to us. One woman on here has an ex that says he made a mistake and she feels nothing when he tells her. I love it. Someday we will able to feel nothing when they express their regrets and we can say we feel nothing for them. They will be pathetic shells of men. No contact has worked for me. Maybe it will for you as well. It has helped my healing. I have my son here with me to offset the loneliness and soon I will have all my extended family around me. I will not be alone.

        1. I’m going through the same thing, I was told by text from his mistress that she has been seeing my husband for a year. It has destroyed me.

    3. Dearest Gemma,
      It’s as though we have the same husband. You are so strong and can do this. My husband is 35, he is still living in my home with me and our two children. His 25 yr old girlfriend is due on the 28 th with “their” son. I am filing on Tuesday morning. He refuses to move out,but has stopped all responsibilities involving our family. Including ignoring bills to buy this “woman” an Iphone. I don’t know how we will get through this, but we will.

      1. Aww Stacey I really feel for your situation you are such a strong woman to have him still living with you and your children I can’t believe how men think they can treat us women who are decent wives if god is good the disgusting home wreckers that they have left us for will treat them like crap and it’s onky what they deserve. The hurtful things they do like getting these women pregnant is disgusting when I found out yesterday who my husband had been cheating on me with I had a little laugh as I seen her photos on Facebook and she’s so ugly and fat he always tortured me over my weight (I’m a uk size 12-14) so average size but this one he has got with is about a uk size 20-22 and her face is also really fat not that I have anything against bigger ladies but when he tortured me I honestly thought he would have got himself a model girlfriend very slim so I did laugh and I went to her work place and confronted her she was really bold as brass as though she had done nothing wrong and rubbing her stomach saying they’re happy they’re having a baby baring in mind the both swear they have only been seeing each other for 6 weeks and she’s 4 weeks pregnant if they are to be believed so in a space of 6 weeks they are supposed to be so in love he has flowers sent to her work in place and they have been to Leeds for Valentine’s Day/night and she has been openly posting all of this on her Facebook page and doesn’t care that she has took my husband and my daughters daddy but we will all get through this I get so much comfort from this page as we are all going through the same situations it’s like counselling I appreciate all your kind works we are now strong independent women xxx

      2. I hate that us women have to go through all these terrible emotions due to our husband being disgusting lying cheaters my husband was a living caring person who has now changed towards me completely I had to find out for myself who the skank was he was cheating on me with and then I found out she’s now pregnant with his baby this is all within an 8 week time line he says they have been seeing each other for 6 weeks which I wouldn’t even think she could tell she is pregnant they’re trying to tell me she’s only 4 weeks but he admitted yesterday he’s been seeing her for months so she could be further along it has destroyed me as me and my husband were going to have ivf to have a child but we did fall pregnant naturally and he always said his family meant the world to him which in hindsight has been a lie as he has now moved on so quickly to start another family I feel he is now turning into one of those men who move from woman to woman and leave a trail of children behind, I feel for you situation so much and it does help coming in here and opening up to other people going through the same situation as ourselves xx

  53. Dear Judith My heart breaks hearing your story it sounds just like mine! I truly don’t want anyone to feel the pain I am experiencing from my husband leaving also! You say you don’t beleive in God we’ll that is all I have to hold on to and He is truly giving me courage, his strength, his grace, and most of Love to see me walk through this trial and sadness! I have faith that God is going to work this out for His good and whatever it will be will be the answer that is going to perfect for my life. This woman that supposedly loves God is a lie! God will not honor her sin at all HE WILL NOT. God says cengangence is mine , believe that my dear, this woman is not a believer because God hates adulterey and divorce! Shame on her for even speaking on it shame on her! I pray that one day you will find peace coming into your soul and a sense of calm and when it happens that is God ! He will never leave us or forsake us. Wow I’m so mad with you at the fake , insecure, deceitful woman. My prayers are for healing for you and your family total restoration and I pray for deliverance! With love Angie

  54. I am 3 weeks into my husband leaving me after 30 years of marriage. I just turned 50. I know nothing but him. I went to bed January 7th married to the best man in the world and very in love, and woke up to him leaving me. He had a “friend” at work. He claims he was never unfaithful, but just days after he left, he said he is “starting a relationship” with this woman, his friend. We had 3 children; our daughter was killed in a car accident 7 years ago at the age of 18. I thought we lived through the worst life could bring. I was wrong. I am living through this apocolypse again, just grief over him instead of my dead child. This woman told him he was the second coming of some saint who was to sit at the right hand of Jesus upon his return. She is religious, we were not. I am not. But how do I compete with someone who strokes an ego like that? Then the same woman, who believes in God, breaks the 6th commandment without losing a beat. I saw him today and he just tries to make me feel guilty, he is losing weight, he is going to lose his job because he is living with her where he works, etc etc etc. I love this man, more than life itself. But right now, I despise him so much, I never want to see his face again. My sons are 28 and 23 and they are still in shock that the man they knew and loved could hurt our family so badly, hurt their mother so much. But all I can do is think of the two of them together, and it is so unfair that my days are consumed with those thoughts. I don’t pray to God, I don’t have alot of friends, I just have my family, they are the most important thing to me. But this man threw us all away like garbage. Our sons, our grandson, our pets, me. For a woman he knew for 6 months. Maybe she gives him sexually something “new”. Who knows, he lies about everything. But finding other women who have gone throught this, who are going through this…helps to know I am not alone. I know I need counselling. I have to find a therapist because I have to be vocal to someone. It is not fair to always talk to my boys about this. They have to deal with their loss too. But I just want to stop thinking about him and her and how betrayed I feel. Thanks for letting me rant <3

    1. Hey Judith…I’m so sorry your going through this. It is heart breaking. I’m two years down the road,and it does get better I promise. As your feeling so desperate,may I suggest you go no contact. Let him get on with it. I did this pretty much from the beginning, only engaging if it applied to the children. Whilst in no contact,I discovered through the pain, that he could own it lock,stock and barrel. Yes, your husband will paint you out to be a lot of things,this is to justify his own behaviour. My ex moved In with the OW Several weeks after we split. I simply let him live his disgusting life,got a job,made new friends,got rid of friends I couldn’t trust and started making new memories. I simply faked it till I made it.
      Let me tell you what I learned…after a while, I stopped thinking about him,he on the other hand pretty much realised after several months that his new wonderful life wasnt that great. Fast forward,he’s about to move into a new place on his own, has told me numerous times he messed up, he loves me…blah blah blah, how sorry he is, and much more. In the two years I’ve kept quiet, dignified and it’s only recently I can actually have a conversation with him. I feel nothing!
      I’ve come to realise I’m worth so much more, and even after being with him for over twenty years,The deceit is too much to be able to trust him. His life is completely ruined, he is miserable,and I made sure I got what I deserved. It’s the biggest most desperate thing I’ve been through, however, I’m stronger than I realised,I can do it alone…but more importantly I’m showing my teen daughter that mum won’t stand for his crap.
      Be kind to yourself, try and get out as much as you can, joinclubs in your area,and start pushing yourself. Sounds like your ex is having a hard time. Tough I say, let him! Hugs hunni xxxx

    2. Hi Judith, I am so sorry you are going through this. You are still in the early stage and it’s still absolutely horrible. I don’t know how I got through that time except that I would walk or run whenever possible. I am seeing a therapist and she is really helping. Definitely see one. I am also on antidepressants. I am willing to try anything. I’ve lost 40 pounds. It’s almost 5 months for me. We were together 22 years. He is now with the 63 year old neighbor and he is only 48. It’s a nightmare. I am moving in 2 weeks about 5 hours away. This town is not big enough for the 3 of us. All my friends here have abandoned me because they just don’t know what to say to me. I’ve lost all. I am going back to my home town. I am desperate to make a new life for myself. I just don’t have a choice. I can’t imagine a life without him but I have to make it work and try to be happy again. I don’t do well sad all the time. It’s just not me. I can’t even think of having another relationship to have this happen again. I am so scared of that. What an experience this has been. I don’t know what I am feeling now maybe just numb maybe depressed. I am waiting for the antidepressants to start working. At least I don’t feel completely broken like I did. I was a loving wife and mother and did everything for my family. I think about what I am going to do now. You are probably thinking the same thing. Well, don’t go that far out. Only think about moment to moment or you will drive yourself right over the edge. Too many changes all at once so don’t think about too far in the future. Think of only positive things to avoid depression.Think about things you are grateful for. I know it’s hard but do it. It will help you to avoid thoughts of them together. I think my husband is going through a midlife crisis. He is so confused and don’t know what he wants and it happens be a woman 15 years his senior. His birth mother is 1 year older that this woman. Well, if he changes his mind, there will never be going back after the pain He’s caused me,

  55. My husband and I were high school sweethearts, got married at 18, have 3 grown children with 4 beautiful grandchildren and have been married for 40 years. We have had our share of problems but for the most part have had a good marriage until about the last 4 years. He has left me several times for 2 different women. He has become abusive in the last few years as well especially since he has been becoming attached, shall we say.. Each time he has left he has done it with a note secretly while I was gone or asleep. I in the past have truly tried to fight for him, for our marriage, this time I am finished. It’s killing me to have to tell my kids that he left again, to see there faces, hear them say Mom please don’t take him back… I loved him with everything I am, gave him some of the best years of my life… I have been hurt not only physically but emotionally by him and I just can’t keep doing this to me….

  56. Hello, I never thought my husband would do this to me, but he did. We married on 12/09/2017. A few months after that, I noticed some changes in his pattern, coming home later, on the phone more, etc.. I started to pay closer attention. I started to have that “gut” feeling, that something wasn’t right! I confronted him with my concerns, and he sweet talked me out of it. Again that did not take the feeling away. On May 6th of 2018, he went to let the dog out in the middle of the night, I quickly grabbed his phone and found the messages from the other girl. I cried screamed, the works. A few days later we decided to do counseling. I forgot to mention that the other woman was also married. I thought counseling was going great. Her husband reached out to me two weeks into our counseling sessions of screenshots between the two of them talking again. I got upset yet again. We continued counseling. Our counselor was not happy! – But I stayed. Almost a year later I thought everything was going ok and it wasn’t he was still seeing this other woman. This time I had enough! I moved out of the house, and know I’m dealing with severe depression, and still wanting to fight for our marriage. – Because I’m so deeply in love with this man. He’s telling me we are separated and need time apart for now. Which I think is not true. – Because he’s still continuing to see this woman! I feel like such an idiot! How can I love someone that has hurt me so much!

  57. My ex Husband definitely left me for another women. We tried making things better but no matter what I did it wasn’t enough. He was very emotionally abusive and I left the marriage lately I lost my appetite and can’t sleep he one minute wants me then he doesn’t I no it’s time to leave but dont no how to stop loving him nor sleeping with him please help.

    1. I’m also dealing with the same situation how to I get past this pain. I still love him after catching him 3 times with the same woman!

  58. Hi. I literally only jumped on Google to find some type of advice because I’m starting to get frustrated that my mind won’t or can’t think of anything else but my husband & his new gf. I’m so over having them rule my every thought. There is nothing I want more right now then to just get on with my life & try & forget what’s happened….I’m about 3 months into the break up & we were together 10yrs married for 3yrs. Between us we have 4 gorgeous boys. This girl I speak of was a work mate & she was also married, but hers only lasted 8 months because she left her husband for my husband. I put 110% into our relationship & only to be left like this. I’m scared I won’t ever get over this. I want to so bad I just don’t how to😔

    1. I am right there with you. I have been with my husband for 15 years, married for 12 years. we have two beautiful children and now he has a child with this woman who he had an affair with for 4 years. I say have been because we are still married and he refuses to divorce me. I didn’t want to be the one to file because I didn’t want him to seem like the victim but I think it is high time I just face the facts. we had tried to mend the relationship for the last year, during which he left me about 10 or 12 times because he just couldn’t be without her. we even moved states to work on our marriage but he left me in the other state to move back to her… then he moved back to my state to once again try to fix the marriage. I have been emotionally abused by this man for far too long and although I am scared that he will drag me back in the relationship, I am doing everything I can to let go and stay away. The other girl, because a real woman wouldn’t take a married man from another woman, worked with him for those three years and saw the lifestyle that we had together. we went on trips and had a beautiful 2 story house. She lived in an apartment and was married to a bum. But she left her husband for mine. After the reveal he left his job, we lost our home, and are now living with family in another state. He of course is living out of his car because he feels that that is better than living with me and his children. I know its hard to move forward but after all he put me through, I woke up and realized that he will never be able to leave this woman and I am the one that is going to have to file. It may feel like you will never get over it, but eventually (God-willing) you will look back and realize that it was his loss. He had a good thing and he gave it up for a child, a lost little selfish girl. It’s what keeps me going. He will realize that he made a mistake and it will be too late.

    2. Hello Natasha I’m going through the same exact thing we were married for seven years and have 2 boys together. It’s been 6 months for me and I’m still walking around like a zombie. I have no appetite and my stomach turns every time I think of them together. I just want to get on with my life soooo bad but I can’t! It’s taking over my entire life. The fact that there are kids involved makes it so much harder. Maybe we can email each other and get through it together

    3. The similarities to our stories are crazy. I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 3. We have 5 kids. We are both 33 and have 5 children between us. He has a n affair with a 22 year old coworker and is convinced they are in love. He Told me a few days ago he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. He has since seen our children but will not even look me in the face. Guys I am falling apart. He has been gone 5 days and o can’t function. I just want to wake up and not feel this anymore. I never thought it was possible to be thos sad or hurt. I miss him everyday. The worst thing is I lowers myself to talk to the other woman and she flat out told me that she would never stop looking for him as long as he looks for her. It kills me that he has given her everything that I have earned. I want to die. I don’t want to feel this anymore.

  59. Hello,
    I am 4 months into the break up of a 22 year marriage. We are going to do the financials this weekend. It is happening so fast. He left me for the 63 year old neighbor and he is 48. It’s just wrong. I cried for the first 3 months. Big wrecking sobs. I had crippling anxiety. I’ve been seeing a therapist and she is really helping me. I don’t have anyone here for support. My whole neighborhood of friends don’t invite me anymore now that we are now t together. I don’t know if they invite the old fat ass w&@$e and the cheater. I feel so alone aand hurt. I work and come home to my beautiful house that I will not have for long. The wasband’s mother will be buying me out. I will be moving close to my family as I really need them right now as well as my son. My wasband was a functioning drug addict for 15 years of our marriage. I don’t know why I stayed but hoped every day that he would quit. He finally did it and I had 3 lovely years of a sober husband and now this. However, I am better but I don’t know what the future holds and trying to take one day at a time because anxiety was over the top thinking about the future. You just can’t think that way in the beginning. It was just send you in a tailspin. I am not crying nearly as much and the anxiety has lessened considerably and so totally grateful. I still think about them together a lot but I block it with positive thoughts like “I can get through this” “I’m going to have a happy life”. I just say them in my head like a mantra to distract myself. My therapist suggested it and it seems to work. If you say it over and over again, you will eventually believe it. I am will to try anything at this point. I am working on me. I am going to have to be selfish in my meeting with the wasband on the financials just like she told me when he left me for the neighbor. I have to support myself and support our son through college. We will be living with my mother until I can save enough to buy a house in that expensive area. I’ll need a job first. I can’t bear living in the same town with them. I think moving is the best thing for me. I am so happy I found all of you going through the same mess I am going through. My heart goes out to all of you.

  60. Please post anonymously

    I’ve been married for 15 years together for 17. We have two children. 12 year old son who will be 13 soon and 11 year old daughter. Also have a step daughter who is 17 years old. We met online. He told me he wasn’t married nor had kids. Later on I found out he was married and he had a baby on the way. By then I was head over heels in love with him. I was only 21 years old. I tried to move past him lying to me and for a few years things got better. We got married when I was 23. He was very secretive after we got married. He wouldn’t let me have a key to our mailbox at our first apartment which we lived at for 2 and a half years. When I would walk past him when he would be on his laptop he would close it right away. He never let me touch his phone. I had endometriosis so I was in pain almost every day. We also lived 6 hours away from anyone I knew. Once we started trying to have kids I found out I wasn’t able to have any kids. I became very depressed. We moved closer to our family which helped. Then I became pregnant. Once my son was born a few months later my dad started getting sick. He had cancer. I became depressed again plus I was hurting all the time. My daughter was born the following year. I started hearing rumors that my husband was cheating on me with our neighbor. He was always over there. He said it wasn’t like that. He just talks to girls and there is nothing wrong with that. He wouldn’t be loving and affectionate he said you don’t give me time to be. My dad passed away right before my daughter turned 1. I went into a deep depression. I wanted to go to marriage counseling but he said we didn’t need it. He would try to work on our marriage for not even a week then he would become distant. I have migraines and also fibromyalgia. When I had confronted the neighbor she told me to talk to my husband. We moved shortly after that because our house had black mold and was making all of us sick. He didn’t talk to her anymore. We bought a house and things started to get better for awhile. I still didn’t do much. When I would try and cook it would be very painful. I would clean as much as I could. I stayed home with the kids. Every now and then I would miss a field trip and he would have to take them. I was on antidepressants and they made me hear voices which I didn’t realize the pills were making me hear the voices. In 2015 my friend was constantly flirting with my husband. It made me sick how they acted like a couple. Everyone saw it and when I would mention it to him he would become defensive and say I was crazy. I ended up being committed for two weeks for almost taking my life. He then almost left me. In 2016 he almost left me again but said he wanted to work things out instead. In 2017 she became pregnant and all our neighbors thought he was the father. He was mad that I was upset about this. The end of 2017 I was at my moms on the weekdays helping her take care of my grandparents and only coming home on the weekends. My grandpa passed away in November of last year. He had Alzheimer’s. I then still helped my mom with my grandma. I was able to look at his phone and read text messages he was sending to one of his friends. He was telling her how the party is over now that the wife can no longer help since her back is messed up. He also kept calling the girl that’s supposed to be just his friend my girl over and over again. Then he was talking about another girl how they hugged and he felt cared for that he hadn’t felt that in a long time. I confronted him and he said he was sorry he hurt me. This summer He wanted to work on us really work on us this time. We we’re being more loving towards one another sending sweet little texts. I thought we were doing better. December 7th he told me he wants to separate. That he has met someone else and is in love with her. They have been texting for months and hanging out. I even asked if I had anything to worry about and he said no we’re just friends. The person he has met is actually a friend one of ours who is married as well and also told her husband she wants to separate. He told me I can’t make him happy. He loves me but he isn’t in love with me. He hasn’t been in love with me for years. He said our marriage has been over for years. He stopped living in our home January 2nd. I’m heartbroken and confused.

  61. My husband of 12 years decided he wants to stay with the other woman who is older than me and left me alone with my 3 kids ages 11 below. he started having an affair in 2017 and got the woman pregnant. He has no work and relies on the other woman’s income to survive. The baby was born in february 2018 but sadly died december 2018. He always say to me that he chose to stay with them because of the baby but doesnt love the other woman and that as soon as this is figured out he’ll soon come back home. But now that their baby is gone, he is still there and cant find any excuse anymore. He wants me to wait for him until he finds the right time to leave her. In our country, there is no divorce. It breaks my heart that he is enjoying the best of both worlds. I honestly want to end things with him and move on but he doesnt. I have tried to talk to him about filing for annulment but he is begging me to give him time to think and sort his feelings. I dont want to wait and i want to be done being miserable. I am being positive that i can surpass this and i should not hold back anything anymore.

    To all the ladies here who are suffering like me, WE CAN DO THIS. let us not bitterness and anger take us over. It is not the end of era for us and i know God has a plan for us why this is happening. We just have to be strong for us and for our kids.

    1. Dear Cvd,

      God is with us all the time. I am so happy to see how you already lean on Him. You are now the light of your family. Pray for your family and especially for your children. May Gods grace and blessings guide you through this terrible storm. From this terrible pain we all go through when a husband abbandones his family we need to see Gods beautiful love He has for us! I wish you all so much strength! Through Gods love and grace, I am standing strong and feel so blessed in His love! God has a plan for us as you have said, and Gods plan so so perfect! To all you beautiful women….. You WILL make it, because God is now with you…. Please believe this! Blessings to you all🙏🙏🙏

  62. Hi. My husband left me for in 2008 and he took everything that we had and gave it to her. He threw me out of our matrimonial home. We had two kids by then. Then I told my pastor. He prayed for and my husband said I should go back to my house but with no furniture. I went back in 2011.He used to visit me then I go t pregnant. Then the other lady was angry and he left him. He had another girlfriend with two kids. I am not staying with him. We visit each other. This festive season I have been calling and he was not answering my calls then I decided to go and check on him and I found him with the girlfriend that has two kids. I was going with my kids and he chased us away and now he is not talking to us. Am so hurting. Please hehelplp

  63. Hi. Did search for how to cope when my husband left me for another woman and found this. I’m 50 years old and spend the last 35 years of my life with him. Our marriage was not perfect of course but out of character he began distancing himself last April and 3 weeks later says he wants a divorce. Found out a week later he was in love with another married woman who had already left her 3 young children and husband a month before. They had planned all of this. We have 2 boys, ages 18 and 14. We are all devestated by this, tho my younger one seems to be dealing well…its hard to tell…I think he’s trying to be strong for me. Since my ex said he wanted me to be taken care of, I have a condo I bought from money from the separation so I have no mortgage and he provides some support. Never been on my own before and Im so scared. I am also incredibly angry at him for leaving me for her!!! It makes me sick if I hear that he’s spending the night with her and doing things with her he never did with me! I do not know how to move on at all. I want to. I am just SO lost and hurt that he seems like he is moving on and happy with her. None of this makes any sense to me and I suspect I will NEVER understand what happened! So now I am left to try to figure all of this out. I dont even know where to start. I have no false hope that we will get back together so Im glad I am not dealing with that. I am just SO ANGRY and SO HURT! I dont know where to begin to let go and move on.

  64. My husband of 7 years left me for another women and got her pregnant during our separation we have 2 little girls together and he was messing around with her during our whole 2 years of marriage. I feel so confused lonely and have built up anger and I found myself comparing myself to the other women. I have tried to move on numerous times and once again I’m back to square one trying to move on in my life. Everyday for me have been ups and downs but mostly downs but more problems just continue to be added to the fact he decided to leave once again. He have known this women for some months and I been with him since I was in high school but he gladly fought to be with her instead for fighting for his wife and kids . It been very hard for me to move forward from this situation but I’m currently filling for divorce.
    I thank you all for any help I really just needed a outlet to express the huge changes that’s going on in my life.

  65. Hi Ladies,

    I’ve been reading through all of your posts and they have really been helpful. My story is certainly not the worst I’m quite young (19) and I am finding it really hard to cope with my split even with God’s help. I was with a guy my age for roughly 2 years. We were extremely close and had plans to get married once w finished school and start a family. I was very happy and I always thought he was too until a week before everything fell apart and he seemed distant. I suggested breaking up since he seemed so miserable however it was not what I wanted. He retaliated with saying that it is exactly what he wants and that he “can’t do it anymore.” I begged him to stay and have been doing so for 3 months straight until I found out he immediately started seeing a new girl after it all ended and has refused to call me or meet up with me since we broke up. He was not a god follower like me and I was struggling with several mental health challenges at the at the time which were difficult for him. But I just don’t understand why he didn’t want to fight for our relationship after so much of our lives was spent together and how someone can fall out of love and in love with someone else so quickly. I keep wondering whats wrong with me that after 2 years of showing someone who I am, I wasn’t good enough.

    Thank you so much for any help.

  66. My husband left me 11 months ago after 40 year of marriage and I am struggling just as much today as I did when he left. I feel such deep rejection, anger and lonliness . I feel like I’m in deep black hole and will never get out if it. He says there is no other women but he is very friendly with someone. I have lost all respect and the most important thing I’ve lost is trust. I have asked God to feel my pain, see the pain and take it anyway but it’s just not happening. Can you please please give me some guidance. I’m just so tired of all that has happened and I just can’t cope anymore

    1. My husband left me in July 2018, we had been married for 42years. There was no one else involved at the time, but he has struck up a friendship, that he hopes will become more than that. He is a DJ in his spare time and I trusted him do I g his monthly gig I didnt know be was building this friendship. He has filed for divorce and it’s all happened so quickly. It is hard to come to terms with and feels very lonely in our home on my own. I havnt sat crying all the time, I have got out and made new friends and am gradually building a new life for myself. The house is on the market a d I shall find somewere that’s just mine. The thing that’s keep g me awake at night is imagining them making love, and it’s torcher. If I can get past that I will be doing well. I’ve been with him for a life time s d unfortunately I relied on him for everything. I am getting stronger though and I will probably always love him.

      1. Hi Jacque. How are you doing. My situation is so similar to yours and I admire you for the strength you have and wish I could be the same. As you are I am trying to move on by going out and meet new people but still struggle on a daily basis. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you

    2. Abandoned and Broken

      Wow I feel so bad for each of you. I just went through this too and can not manage to get myself together. Cried much of the afternoon and feel so sad.

    3. Hi Maggie
      For me it’s only been 22 years but try to get out with friends. Get on an exercise program. But some clothes even if you have to buy them second hand. Get a hobby. Find things you really like to do. Get on antidepressants. You are in the depression stage. It is so easy to feel sorry for yourself but it does no good for you. You will become stuck. Don’t do it. I am only 4 months into my breakup to divorce. I am seeing a therapist which is helping. I do have trouble doing anything let alone trying to do any of the above. I will try. I just starting my antidepressants so waiting for them to kick in. Never taken them before. I am willing to try anything as I have a lot to do. I have to move half my stuff 5 hours away. I am so grateful I have the opportunity to move away from my ex and our neighbor together. The town is not big enough for the three of us. I hope you can get out from under the funk you are in and live a little. At least try a little. I know it’s hard to do anything when you feel this way but it will help you little by little. Surround yourself with family and friends. Talk. Get it all out. Get a punching bag and cut loose.

    4. Hello Maggie I am in the same exact situation it’s only been 6 months for me but I can’t take feeling like this anymore! It’s taken over my entire life. We were married for almost 7 years. We had two boys together who are 5 and 1 so I know I have to try for them. I honestly just wish I could sleep my whole life away so I don’t have to feel this pain anymore.

  67. I have been married for 30 years to husband and I found messages of him telling a co worker he loves and misses her. So I truly lost it due to I knew something was bothering my husband and I kept asking to be honest with me but he wouldn’t. My husband has been unfaithful a lot and I keep forgiving and praying that the darkness he has inside of him would be replaced with the man I know is in there but he just won’t let him out due to his enormous pride he has! So I put him out the house because I was terrified that he would say I was leaving and to hear from him “she make me happy” that just made my heart drop. He says he didn’t confide in me when I asked because of guilt! He also says he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore he doesn’t know why he keeps doing this? He must know why you can’t do this your entire marriage and not know why? He initially was angry at ME for putting him out like it was my fault and I took that on me like what did I do to and alaways do to make him want another woman! It is the most painful thing that controls your mind to wonder what I did , why wasn’t I enough for him? So now today since he’s been gone I’m so so deeply hurting because he says he needs to figure this out on his own, figure out why he keeps hurting me and I get that but he still is with this other woman that he works with everyday and it kills me. She gets the benefit of my husband but I’m alone with my 2 grandsons that live with us and just feeling so much pain. He says he loves me but that is not stopping him from pursuing the co worker. I feel so so sad, humiliated, angry, lonely, confused , and just wanting some answers from him! Is a man really that cruel or is my husband that sick with so much bondage! I pray for him so much it hurts and I pray God will take care of all this. But in the mean time sometimes I hold my breath to not feel the pain!

    1. I’m so sorry to hear what’s happened. My partner of 14 years has/is being unfaithful. I found out two days before Xmas and the bottom dropped out of my world. You see it wasn’t the first time, plus all the secret online Instagram communications. The day I found this last one out I told him it was over. The conversation lasted two minutes with no pleading this time. Last year I caught him out and he begged me to stay, I’ll do anything to make this work he said. That’s how this time I knew it must end, he didn’t keep his word. Intellectually I know I did the right thing, emotionally I am overwrought with grief, second guessing whether I did the right thing and hysterical that I’m now alone. My forever man gone, I know I’ve done the only thing I could but my heart is broken.

      1. Carol W, I’m so sorry you are hurting ! My pain is enough it makes me sad that so many of us are in this situation. I hear you when you say intellectually you made the right decision but emotionally it feels completely different. I put my husband out he got angry, said I didn’t even give him the chance to talk to me. But the fear comes over you expecting to hear what you don’t want to hear so we react. I just would wish in all this he would figure this out WITHOUT the other woman. It’s like they need that bandaid to make them feel they are not that bad of a person. We know the other woman is saying everything they need to keep them going! But truly what is reality? I pray you get some peace in your soul and the answers you need for whatever is the best for your life! I know I would love it, this pain is horrible and very overwhelming!

        1. Thanks Angie, appreciate the helpful comment. I’m busy moving out of our house, selling furniture etc. Sadly my ex won’t even respond to emails asking him for info, I feel as if he’s turned this into my fault and is busy playing the victim! I’ll definitely get through this and am loved my many friends and family.

          Take care, peace and love.

          1. Never regret making that choice to not take him back. I took my husband back over 10 times within a year. This past weekend he told me he was ready to commit but after his child support hearing for this child he had with this girl, he decided he was not ready to commit, yet again. It seems as though these men have so much conflict within them but what they are really struggling with is greener grass. If they only knew that it was turf… Reading what everyone is going through is really helping me. the other woman is definitely telling my husband everything he needs to hear. when it is time to move on, its time to move on. I am now living with no regret. my choices are what gets me through this mess. I am making the choice to be happy, I am making the choice to stay away, and I am making the choice to start new.

    2. I first commented on here dec 31 and some days have gone by! I have ok days and then all of sudden something hits and it feels like it just happened all over again! I am really trying to be strong and get my worth in myself back but things keep happening that bring you right back to beginning. My husbands car is in driveway due to he took other one out the garage and of course what do I see in his car ! A box with the other woman’s name and address on it where she ordered him something and he left the box in there. I know it might sound small but dang my heart dropped again as if I just found out! I know he is with yes, but when it’s in your face it is really terrorizing to your soul! I started my day off in prayer and felt good and then I see this, I know it’s just the enemy trying to keep me thinking about them and wanting to make me feel unworthy, unloved , humiliated, angry and unforgiving but I’m trying really hard to strong and lean on God because at the end of the day HE is in control of ALL! I ask God how can my husband do such cruel things in my eyes because HE is the only one that knows my husbands heart and I sure can’t wait for an answer. This is just devastating because the love is still there for this man you just can’t erase 30 years of someone being connected to your soul! I read all these comments and pray always for all of us to get healing it’s just not right for us to be treated this way! I wonder what my husband would feel like if this happened to him! I wonder always, the biggest thing is he happy because evidently it wasn’t me that could fulfill it! When I do have to speak to him he sounds aggravated I don’t hear happiness in his voice so what’s the point of all this just to destroy an entire family and the woman that has stood beside him for all these years and this isn’t even the first infidelity ! So So So sad.

      1. So yesterday I saw my husband for first time in awhile. It was the hardest conversation I had. He asked me if I got what I wanted when I looked on his phone and saw he was cheating, of course I said NO! He said to me basicly this is what I get why hes not here in the home because I put his stuff in the car, I put him out. So naturally its my fault, he has no ownership in the fact he is with another woman hes just focused on me putting his stuff in his car. He also said in the past he told me if Im gonna look for something to be wrong he said why not just give it to me then, so he cheats WOW WOW WOW Im in such disbelief at his responses. So im the fault of him seeking woman for happiness, when every time my husband has never restored his family, its just bury it. I really had to pray so hard that I wasnt crazy hearing this because I would start believing Im to blame. HE IS SO ANGRY, BITTER, AND LOOKS SO UNCOMFORTABLE AND UNFORGIVING. It is so so hard to keep the voices out your head THAT YOU DIDNT DO THIS ITS NOT YOUR FAULT! I wonder all the time is this woman fulfilling him or making him happy? Im not understanding the rage because I am not having the affair he is!

      2. Hello Angie, I went through the same exact thing I was only married for 7 years with 2 kids a 5 year old and 1 year old. I found him cheating and kicked him out. I guess I was hoping he would try to make things right. That only made him get closer to her. He keeps telling me that she meant nothing before but with me kicking him out he was hurt and she was there. I beat myself up everyday asking myself what if I didn’t kick him out. It’s been 6 months and I am still walking around like a zombie. My ONLY reason for getting up in the mornings are my kids other than that I really think I would have gave up. I wish I could just take this pain away. I’m losing hope and feel like life is just not fair.

        1. Dear Laura. My heart breaks to hear you are so much pain. I want you to know that the decision your husband made when you put him out and my husband has nothing to do with us doing that act! Our husbands left us already when they decided to start up the affair think about that! My husband said that to me and I told him he had left the minute he decided to have an affair! He actually said TRUE! The one thing that is getting me through this mess is I am drowning myself in Jesus and the word of God! God WILL and has already taken care of all this pain and heartache we all are experiencing and it has already been solved! I don’t know your spiritual beliefs but hang on to that promise. I ask God everyday to help me to forgive my husband and the woman because you know why? When we do forgive we are releasing them to the Father for him to take care of this mess for us! Today in this world there is such an attack on families and marriages that it is insanity to me! After my last post I saw my husband again and it was like I was feeling sorry for him because he looked so sad and unhappy! Our husbands are not happy they are masking the pain that we forced them into their lie and they want to turn it back on us so they don’t have to face reality that they ruined there family for a fantasy, a fantasy that God is not going to honor! They belong to us they are our husbands. I feel that forgiveness will set us free from feeling captive to these thoughts and these other woman! Don’t give her that power NO don’t please!!!!! Don’t get me wrong it is a daily fight and I’m gonna fight and want you too with me to let these men see they did not break us! I have this quote on my phone it goes; God will put you back together and make you stronger right in front of the people who broke you❤️❤️❤️❤️ Let’s beleive that together let’s do it , let’s not give the enemy the power to destroy us and our family let’s do it!! I am trying to force myself to do a little something daily even if it’s just getting out of room and going into another room! So please with a deep heart of compassion for you and all of us on here let’s do it! Let’s see what God has in store for us only HE knows and it is going to be PERFECT !!!! With love and concern. Angie “When the time is right I the Lord will make it happen”. Isiah 60:22. “The pain that you’re feeling can’t compare to the Joy that is coming”. Romans 8:18

  68. all the seven steps gave me a better expect at looking at things I’m still really hurt I’m going to be hurt for a while because he also loves this woman and had a baby by her this past October 2018 and we tried to rekindle our marriage and it didn’t work and he left me again and went back to her again and I kept blaming myself but I know it’s not just me its hard because I have two young children and I’m striving and doing the best I can paying bills with a very high rent

  69. Yes ladies we would love for you to join the group. Please send a friend request to Alyx Renee Carpenter and she can add you to the group. We are all here for each other through this painful time.

    1. Hi Klae
      Could I please be added to the group on Facebook? I tried to add Alyx as a friend but the option wasn’t there. I didn’t send her a message but I’m unsure if she’ll receive it because it might go to her other folder instead of her inbox? I really need to talk to other women in my position, tell my story and get it off my chest. I’m struggling so much these days, since he left, nothing makes sense anymore and I can’t function properly. I need help.

  70. My husband of 5 years has told me yesterday boxing day he loves another and left me today. I’m totally numb and finiancally scared. We rent a place in his name all bills were paid by him, he says he will continue to pay for everything if not I’m homeless. I am a lot in debt paying for things we did together so I have no savings.
    He has left for a few days to clear his head but I don’t think he will return. We have a dog who I am having and my husband will take out for walkies etc every so often.
    I just need some advice on how to cope right now. I blame myself for letting us drift apart.

    1. T I am so sorry you are going through this. We all understand how you feel. Alyx creates a Facebook group and we are all on it supporting each other on a daily basis. She can add you too it if you would like. I was on the same situation as you 9 months ago… except I found out the hard way. My husband just ran and gave me no answers. He still supports us though. I never had to worry that way. Try and keep your head up. I know how hard this is and the pain you are feeling but it will get better with time. Don’t blame yourself. It is not your fault. They choose to not fight for your marriage and run into the arms of another. Right now you need to find yourself, love yourself and realize how amazing you truly are xx

    2. T my heart goes out to you.
      It’s so painful and raw for you right now.
      Lean on family and friends for support, go on line and read as much you can.
      It’s not just down to you to make a marriage work, who said it would be easy!,
      Join the FB group, it helps to know so many of us are in the same boat, and are really supportive to one another.
      Most of all be kind to yourself, seek counselling, see your Dr.
      Take care of yourself x

  71. My husband was a serial cheater through our 20 year marriage, and he eventually found one he was willing to leave me for. Both of them were married when they met. Now, less than a year after we filed foe divorce, they’re engaged. All over social media (which I should not look at, I know) she flaunts their many vacations, elaborate date nights, her huge engagement ring, and their new million dollar home. There is a reason she makes her social media public, and I’m sure it has to do with rubbing my and her ex-husband’s noses in their perfect relationship. My in laws accepted her immediately. People all around them are celebrating their happiness.

    I can’t help but think, what about me? I was a good wife. I was loyal. I gave him do-over after do-over. I put up with affairs, lies, and alcoholism. I listened to him cry over the pain that comes with being a first responder. Why am I being punished? Where’s this karma everyone swears will come along? Why has she received more love, attention, vacations, and gifts in the last year than I received in 20? Doesn’t help that she makes more money than I do and is 100 times more beautiful.

    With all that has happened, and given my age (48) it is virtually impossible to feel like there’s a happy life waiting for me.

  72. I have been married to the same man for 33 years. He cheated on me around 10 years ago and I took him back. He cheated on me again around 3 years ago after I broke my ankle and I could not be the wife he was use to. And now he left me for good. He is with a younger woman which she is skinny and seems to be carefree and just recently found out that he worked with her. When my daughter needed to leave her apartment she asked her dad to help her move but he told my daughter he could not since he doesn’t see his new girlfriend to much so I guess he put his new girlfriend first and not his own child. I see them at least twice a month together because he lives only 5 minutes from where I live. When I see them then it starts the grieving process all over again. How do I ever move on. Now that i am older I feel no one will want me because these older men are going after the younger ones to boost their self esteem to make them feel alive. I am all alone and is always asking the man above – why does my ex get to have someone to love and I have no one after what he has done to me. Always picturing them in my mind together.

    1. Sherry,

      I understand your pain and believe me their happiness will not last long. I have learnt that a woman who takes a cheating husband must be really broken inside. Dear Sherry, your husband will never find true love because a man who abbandones his family has a very serious problem with himself. How can it be love when based on betrayal, lies, selfishness and dishonesty? After so many years together I know you feel very alone. BUT there are persons out there who still have honesty in their hearts. You asked why did he find love? Sherry he didn‘t!!!!!! He lost the greatest blessing God gave him. He is the one who is completely lost! Please believe me, it is lust that he is gone for. Not love! Love has nothing to do with what he is now doing….. NEVER! He is living in the greatest illusion of his life! When the dust settles down he will realize what he has done…. What a terrible pain he will go through believe me. A woman who helps him cheat on his own family is made of pure selfishness….. a woman who is desperately empty inside!!! Please be strong! It takes time to heal but believe me, with Gods grace you WILL reach to the point where I am to-day. I feel blessed so much through Gods grace. I am living alone with my son and I feel so blessed of having him in my life. Be strong for your self and your beautiful daughter! You are the one with honesty and true love in your heart. Think this, when you look into your daughters eyes, do you feel shame and see loss of respekt in her eyes? NO WAY!!!! You will see lots of love and gratefullness, because she knows what a strong and wonderfull mother she has! What do you think how she wiill look upon her father? She sees half a man… that lost everything that was good, just for pure selfishness! Remember this, you are NEVER too old to find true love, because true love has no age, no rules of how old or young or skinny we are…. NO WAY true love sees the light you have inside of you….. and your light is so strong and so beautiful……..God bless you!!!!

      1. Rosa,

        I needed to read this today. It’s two years. I have moved forwarded but still don’t understand the cruelty and lies. He lives with her over a year now and doesn’t talk to me at all. After 26 years together, I never thought I see this from him.

        Thank you.

        1. My dear,

          take courage. My now ex husband is living with who knows who since a year too and since a few months does not even pay maintenance for his own son. It is so painful but so easy to see what they are going through. The more time goes by the grass seems less green and the perfect soul mate does not seem so perfect anymore. Now they decide to deny this and put their anger on their faithful spouse as if they are responsabile for their unhapiness. It’s so easy ! They try to show through their anger against us that they did the best decision of life and scold us like naughty children. All I say is poor soul! Think this……. if they were happy would they be so mean to us????? Try to turn the situation…. what if you were the one who left? If you were soooo in love and happy with your new partner why should you be a monster to others????Do you see what I mean? A person who is happy and in peace with one self does not need to be angry….. I know a fine man, who is so kind and fills me with so much appreciation and attention. Wow…. what a difference I see in him! He wants nothing in return from me but shows so much patience and loves just to be with me. I feel so good and peaceful with my self that if that fool of my ex husband will come with repentance… you know what I would do? Give him such a great hug with love and wish him truely all the best for his own future because I have learnt what true love is. I do admit, I still have deep feelings for my ex but not angry with him anymore! I truly wish the best for him because I am happy and in peace with myself. Do you know what I am trying to tell you? If your husband is truely happy then why does he react like a monster??? Very simple! He is not happy!!!!! A happy person CANNOT treat anyone badly….. absolutely no one. Please pray that God will guide you. Your husband is angry because the sin inside of him gives no peace. Goodness, honesty, self esteem and love has nothing to do with lies, cheating and deceiving. He is lost in sin, he lost all that is good inside of him. Do you now still ask your self why he is so mean to you? My ex husband denied who he is and let darkness in the moment he committed adultery! By comitting adultery he gave up his spirit of light. Can a person living with darkness inside be kind and understanding to others? Never. He SEEMS to be happy with the other woman because she is just as dark inside herself just like he is! You are full with light! Darkness hates light because the darkness knows….. the light is always stronger. He sees you with anger because you remind his spirit the light that it had lost…… through lies, deceit and adultery! Keep truethfull and faithful to your light! May the light of God always be with you and protect you! I am steadily growing stronger and peace is flowing steadily more and more in me everyday because the light of God is holding me and is holding you too!!!!! Please put your self and your family in the hands of God and believe that one day you will be healed! I know there is a huge battle in your mind. You keep thinking where on earth is my husband? What happened to him? It’s not him anymore!!!! The truth is that he is gone! The person you married is not there anymore. He gave up him self! The person he is now IS a stranger. Selfishness and pride is now ruling him. If someone takes away the light from your eyes, what happens? You are blind. You see darkness. The beautiful colours cannot be seen without the shinning light. You are not seen from your husband anymore because he sees no shinning light ! Without this light he misses out on seeing your beautiful colours. He is stumbling continiously in the darkness trying not to fall by holding him self to another woman who is in the same trap as he is. One day they will stumble so hard into each other and painfully fall. When they wake up they start seeing the light and think… what on earth has happened? How did I ever get here…. reality sets in and believe me… the pain that you have gone through has nothing to do with the pain they WILL have to go through . Move forwards with your life! Please trust in Gods healing. What ever will happen never forget, your spirit is full of light!

          Gods blessings to you and your family!

    2. Sherry, I am so sorry to hear of your pain. It is truly heartbreaking to hear so many stories of wonderful women abused and abandoned in such despicable ways. I am 2 months from my dday. My husband of 16 years was having an affair and left me for her. I am so thankful to have found this blossom forum because it let me to the most amazing women going through the exact same thing. We are all at different points in our journey and we would love for you to join us on Facebook. There we have instant access to someone at any moment of need any time of day. Please join us and let the healing begin. We can be here for each other and truly grown to be the amazing women we are. I also recommend getting the book Leave a cheater gain a life. The chump lady survival guide. It is doing wonders for me. Please look up Alyx Renee Carpenter and friend her. She can add you to the group.

    3. I too feel your pain and a few weeks before Christmas just makes it worse. I have been working on myself and such thinking since I kicked him out he was alone only to get a message from his girlfriend. I had hopes of him coming home and working us out for the kids and our marriage. He came home 2 days and left again. I’m devastated. Thought I was past the pain ad it’s all back even worse since there is someone else. I feel dead inside. I want to get to the point where I hate him! It started because he said he didn’t love me. Weeks later said he was depressed and he did love me he was just depressed from his dad passing. We were good a few weeks and I was getting attention elsewhere because he said he didn’t love me so I moved forward. Maybe to soon. Told him to leave and here we are. He hid his gf from me a year and a half. Never took the kids to his house. Just carried on like he was single. We had periods of weekends together more often than not. Now I’m so broken. He actually said he’s filing for divorce this time. I can’t seem to accept it but know I have to. It just hurts. And my poor babies are so confused they think it’s a game anymore. To top it off the ow knew about me. And she’s 8 yrs younger. He just kept telling her he’s afraid to file cuz he’s afraid I’ll keep kids from him. No stupid. I don’t have a right to when they are yours too. I not have that power. Now his pockets are another story. I’ve said I wouldn’t but damn Skippy I will for my babies sake. 9 and 5 yo.

    4. Hi Sherry, I feel you, I cried when I read your story. I Have been married to my husband 29 years. He dumped me last october on halloween night. I didnt know at the time, that he had this other woman. I spent the next 3 months trying to be nice and patient, I lost alot of weight and fixed myself up, makeup and cute clothes, In hopes he would come back. Then I found it all, pictures, sexual conversations, plans . It was devestating, I had a nervous breakdown. My mother wanted to call the paramedics. He had been seeing her from before october. By January he was living with her and her two daughters. My childern wanted to pounce on their father. We have 5 , they are 28,25, 23, 19, and 17. I wanted to keep it a secret until we would be divorced, because I knew once the truth was out, he would flaunt it around in my face, and try and get the kids to meet her. Which is whats happening now. We kept it quite for 3 months, everyone boiling over with anger and frustration. And he kept lying and denieing, till one day, me and my two youngest ran into her at the market. When I saw her all the pain and anger came flooding out. I confronted her and called her lots of other things. She ran right out of the store to call my husband. Finally we all had it out with him, except the 17yr. Old. I have been seeing a therapist once a week for the past year. I feel it helps alot. My therapist says Im moving along pretty quickly. Faster than his other patients. I attribute that to my efforts to living spiritually. I pray every morning and evening, and talk to the lord thru out the day. I need him in my life constantly. The lord carries me alot of the times when I cant make it on my own. Like you, he left me for a younger, skinnier, seems like carefree whore. But thats because, they are in the honeymoon stage, and they dont share real problems, like we did. Our youngest has severe obsessive compulsive disorder, along with other anxiety issues that have been very hard to deal with and alot of work. Im the strong one and he is weaker. When it comes to dealing with issues and problems. Sorry this got long. Oh! And did I mention that he asked her to marry him 2 months after he dumped me. I’m doing better getting stronger, just waiting for the divirce to be final. Then I will be moving with our youngest out of state. Cant wait!!! He too lives up the street from from us. We see him driving around all the time

      1. Hi Veronica.
        I feel your pain. My ex has a Harley Davidson motorcycle and I would see them in the summertime when they are on the bike. She would have her arms wrapped around him. I am loosing weight but I will never be as skinny as she is. I have very low confidence at this time because I picture them being together and it’s sometimes too much to handle. The holidays were really rough this year even though he has been with her for the past 2 years. I finally came to the conclusion that he is gone forever. Then he sent me 2 texts. The first one said – sorry for texting you, I know I shouldn’t. Know you hate me and I know I am the last person you want to hear from. The next text came on Christmas night when he said -I hope you had a nice Christmas. The pain of missing him started all over again. Why did he text me this when he is still with this new girl of his. I am hoping that this year will be my turn to find a new man in my life. Thank you for reading my post. Take care

  73. Hey ladies!! Add me on Facebook if you’d like! I’m creating a safe place for woman going through this situation. It is a group called “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”. It’s completely private so no need to worry about friends or family seeing what you post! You are not alone and help is here! Feel free to add me and I’ll invite you to the group! My Facebook profile is Alyx Renee Carpenter! Hope to see you all there! Big hugs!!!

    1. A private Facebook group is a great idea, Alyx! There are a few women having a similar discussion on another article — https://howloveblossoms.com/how-to-stop-feeling-sorry-for-yourself-after-he-leaves/ . Is it okay if I tell them about your invitation? Perhaps they can join your group. Please look at their comments, and let me know if it’s okay to invite them….or if you want to invite them yourself, feel free 🙂 A private group would be a much better place to have personal conversations like this.

      Thank you,
      Laurie

      1. Hey Laurie! Yes please do! The people wanting to join the group must add me first as a friend on Facebook. Only then at I able to add them to the group. I am the only person able to accept friend requests to ensure the privacy of the group. My Facebook name is alyx renee carpenter. The name of the group has been changed to wonder women! I look forward to meeting everyone! Please encourage these woman to join this group. There’s tons of healing and women in all different stages of this hard process! Xoxo

        1. Please can you add me. I’ve just found out my husband has been having an affair for 1 year behind my back. Just found out a few days ago. We have two beautiful girls aged 8 and 4 and I’m trying to be normal for Christmas. I’ve been so up and down and feel like I’ve lost someone. He even met her last on Xmas Eve which yet again has made me feel utterly worthless. This woman has a fiance and I don’t think she wants him to find out. I’ve asked her to stay away but I can tell my husband cares for her. I feel like I have lost someone but also a horrible feeling of rejection. Despite these feelings I totally agree with the lady above saying how he is the one with the problem. And just lost someone faithful , kind and caring. I know I deserve better but someday just want my old life back as I know my girls will be affected by all of this. I’ve already been asked questions by my 8 year old about why we are not doing stuff altogt anymore. Please add me to group. I am desperate for some support right now. I’ve had suicidal thoughts but that’s so selfish of me with my gorgeous girls.

        2. A friend request icon is not available on your Facebook under Alta Renee Carpenter so I sent a Messenger message. I hope to help support myself and others going through this.

    2. Hi Alyx, It’s great idea with that facebook chat room (thank you for adding me). I saw your pictures and your little baby. The man who left you is a total loser, one day he will realise this.
      That scumbag of mine has came today to take kids out. I told him I want a divorce and leave that sh*t behind me. His question- ”Oh do you really want to divorce me?”.Outrageous! I told him I didn’t want to be wife of such a f***g cheater! His face…Sad sausage.
      He said despite what I think he doesn’t ”hate me”! I just laughed! Hate me? Honestly? For what? For being loyal partner /wife for nearly 14 years? For saving his life literally..? I stood by him no matter what, because I simply believed he was a good human and I loved him so much. There was a time when I had enough of him.He was drinking heavily and using drugs, he blew out money, never changed a single nappy. I was on my own, I just didn’t realise this that time. He begged me to stay, I paid for his detox, he hold my hand during AA meetings, I was determined to have ”my husband” back and the father for our children.And now this. This is my reward for all of things I did to him. He just found himself some trashy purple haired woman with a huge tattoo on her arse (yes I saw her naked pictures on his mobile..)Funny enough he used to tell me how much he hated tats and liked classy women.Oh well I’m glad he showed me his true face. I don’t want that pr*ck no matter what.
      Love to all of you girls

    3. Hello I would love to be added to this group. My husband left me about a month ago and I could really use support especially because I am pregnant. I already sent a friend request!

  74. Hello Ladies
    It’s so comforting to read all your letters and know I’m not alone.
    My husband of 29 years walked away (after I found out and confronted him about his affair) and moved in with OW who is 12 years younger and works with him.
    He is cold, dismissive, deals with me in a business manner and apparently he’s been unhappy !
    Initially I would have accepted any terms to keep him, NOT now, I hate him and like you say Sasha I wouldn’t p*** on him if he was on fire.
    It’s like our marriage never existed.
    The last time I saw him to talk to was August, any communication is by text and even that’s limited now, and it helps.
    I have lost over a stone, but my appetite has improved, on anti depressants and sleeping pills but look at this as a means to an end and one day I will not need them.
    Sasha you are inspirational
    It really helps to read all the posts

    1. Hey Carol, wow,wow,wow. Hunni, your doing great. I’m so proud of you,and how you e dealt with things. Day by day it does get better,and we find out just how strong we are. One of my friends got married April this year. Only to find out he was cheating before and after the wedding. She walked out on him started to rebuild her life ,and then went back to him.shes posting how fab life is,and how he is the love of her love…..she made it so easy for him, that I doubt their newfound love for each other will last. She comes across as the strongest person ever, but I don’t see that. I see a woman who simply doesn’t value herself.now I may be wrong,but they got together with both cheating,which I recently found out. I just thought that’s karma.
      Growing up my mother taught me to value myself and never ever give an inch where s man is concerned…Actions speak louder than words!
      What I’m trying to say is why would someone who professes to love you, hand out so much pain ,walk away and think it’s ok?
      It’s said statistically that 80%of men regret getting divorced,and wish they could go back. Relationships that start as affairs have far less chance of lasting. Out of 100
      It’s said between 1-5 last…..not great stats are they. And those kind of relationships are less committed…..I’d say they are the losers,
      Carol, I truly believe we have a path in life,and things happen for a reason.
      My ex has started with the same crap asking my daughter if she will ever meet his OW,and what is the reason….my daughter replied because she was happy to cheat with you..he lied and said that was rubbish. So my daughter has it confirmed her fathers a consummate liar. Sad isn’t it? I told her not to think of it like that,to think of it as me getting my life back. I’m altogether a different person,I don’t care what he does as long as he can just behave like a decent dad.
      I still get angry every now again, but more so with myself for letting his sh#t get to me.
      Women are amazing at coming together and supporting each other…long may it continue, and long may your attitude continue…Carol, you go girl xxx

      1. Sasha, feel free to add me on Facebook (alyx renee carpenter) I’m creating a super private group where woman will have instant access to support. The group is called “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” feel free to add me, I can add you to the group!

        1. I just sent you a friend request. I would love to be added to your group. Fiance of 17 years left me just this past week. He has been having an affair for over a year. I am devastated to say the least.

    2. Carol!!
      I am so relating with you on how I felt at first. I too would have taken him back when it first happened but now I wouldn’t take him back even if he begged and pleaded. I hate him so much I want to scream. Earlier tonight he told me the reason he thinks things can’t be worked out is because “there’s just nothing there”!!! I was like are you kidding me I just bore your son 4 months ago you sicko. Where the hell did the man I marry go. What’s left of him is a cruel ugly shell of a man. My heart was smashed to a million little pieces when he said that. I almost slapped him but resisted and he flinched. I yelled that he was a “f***ing coward” and went back in the house. I’ve never been this hurt in my life!!!! You sound like such a smart and strong woman! Lend me some of your strength please!

      1. Alyx and Carol…..anger comes with the territory…I still get angry. Tonight my wonderful daughter got home from school and was so upset….with her dad! It’s nearly two years on,and he still manages to piss me off. He’s so thick,he just doesn’t get it that his only daughter doesn’t want anything to do with his trollop. I could cheerfully smack him one but it’s energy wasted.
        These men create the negative crap,that will effect their kids in later life and don’t take responsibility….why the hell would you want that back in your house,near the people you love so much. I told my daughter tonight to start saying exactly how she feels…..and to be honest with him. The only thing I’m interested in is her…he can go f&#k himself and the trollop who is already cheating on him…get angry, and channel it into becoming the person you know you really are…hugs xxx

      2. Alyx I know your pain, it’s a horrible place to be.
        I cannot believe the stranger he has become, or the pain he has caused to me and my children.
        He will have to live everyday for the rest of his life knowing what he caused.
        It has taken a lot of counselling, Life coaching & acupuncture which is ongoing,together with the love and support of my children, family & friends to keep going!
        Today has been a struggle, I feel anxious and nauseous which is a regular occurrence.
        Never in a million years did I expect to be in this position, I guess you never really know someone.
        It really helps to read everyone’s battle xxx

        1. Carol,

          Yes I told my DB that never in a million years did i think he could do this or have her show up 3 weeks after they found out about her on his weekend time with them. It the Rvil that has set in. I told my parents it was like a parasite has taken over his brain. It’s evil plain and simple. Join us on FB. We all need each other and we can read and communicate quicker. We will all heal in this together and provide support and love. I am so grateful for my family and friends but don’t always be the Debbie downer when my thoughts stray to the DB. And it’s often. We can all relate to the feelings and our emotional rollers coasters that are happening right now. You can friend Alyx or me and we will invite you. Alyx Renee Carpenter. Klaesha Van Sickle 7 or 8 of us are all there already.

    3. Carol, feel free to add me on Facebook! (Alyx renee carpenter) I’m creating a very private group so that women have instant support! This is a hard time for all of us and we need to stick together. I’d be happy to add you to the group! It’s called “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”

  75. Hey all. I have not checked in lately and I am having a bit of a hard time. So my husband came home from working away. After 7 months of no answers he opened up a bit. Told me his brain is very messed up and he doesn’t know where he is going in life. That he never meant to hurt me that he has lost his best friend in all of this and there is a place missing in his heart. So I asked him if there was any hope he just kept ignoring me… finally I asked him so many times that I needed some type of closure because all he said was I was in love with you but didn’t feel the passionate in love feeling. So he said there is no hope. So when I thanked him for telling me the truth he looked at me and said I just told you what you wanted to hear. I asked him don’t you want me to be happy too? He said yes and told me how good I looked. I asked him does he want me to move on he said umm yeah and then laughed. That is his way of lying. Then I found a receipt. He bought his girlfriend a diamond ring and is now on his way to Thailand with her. He said he deserves to travel because he has worked hard his whole life. When I asked him about her he said he doesn’t know what he wants and where it is going. He is so messed up and he says he is sorry. So why do I keep holding on? Why can’t I just move on and be happy without him? He still pays for all the bills as I am now going to nursing school. He has lost everyone and now our kids barley want to be around him. I am so lost. Is he giving me false hope because he doesn’t want me to go to a lawyer? Or is it because he is having a mid life crisis and truly doesn’t know what is going on in his head? Thank you for listening ❤️

    1. Hello Nicole,

      That just plain sucks what he is doing to you. I haven’t made it very far from my dday, only a month and a half but to show up after 7 months and still play the confused card? It seems like he just wants you in limbo. How can you move on and let go if he is still playing with your head. Have you waiting there in case he decides the OW isn’t worth it. Well she’s not but too bad. He shouldn’t have done what he did in the first place. He sounds like a real winner. Laughing, telling you what you want to hear. You can’t move on but he can? What a jerk. What is wrong with these men? Diamond ring, trip to Thailand? 7 months is plenty of time to sort out what he wants. In my opinion you deserve better. I wouldn’t stand for that. 2 days after dday and No response to my texts of what are our next steps after we just closed on and moved into our brand new house I filed for divorce. I don’t play that. He was in shock that I did it that fast. I’m not waiting around for him. Loser get to stepping. 17 years I’m not waisting one more day. He can have the drama of that married woman with 3 kids, one being 2 or 3. I’m still hurt and I have my days of why doesn’t he even seem to care but this ship is sailing. Me and my boys are going to be ok. Karma, karma.
      Thailand sure is a scary place. Maybe he will come back with a missing tooth or a tattoo on his face like on the hangover.
      There is nothing they can say, no explanation that will make what they have done make sense. The fact that he’s not letting you move forward says he’s not sorry and he is still being selfish. Oh these men are fools.

      1. Thank you Kale. Your response means the world to me. I was so beyond devastated and scared how I was going to feel about him going to Thailand with someone else. Knowing that they are together . But… I am actually doing ok. I don’t think about them much and I am starting to realize I am so much better then him. I also deserve better. I think it sucks when you have a pretty perfect marriage and you don’t fight and are so loving to each other and then this. When he bought me a canvas for Christmas or last year saying he would choose me in every reality then 2 weeks later does this…… not even that lied to her so many times. And she still took him back…. I am assuming she wants her visa because none of any of this makes sense. I have now cut him off. Because I was talking to him almost everyday giving him updates of our children. But enough is enough. He has hurt me for the last time and I am sick of putting myself through this. For the first time in 7 months I feel stronger then I ever have since all of this has happened. So thank you for your response because it makes me realize that I am better and no matter what I will survive this. Much love to you ❤️

      2. And yes you are right they are fools. Because I stuck by him and took care of him for 13 years all so he could leave me for a women 13 years younger then him!! He is starting over and my life is just beginning !

        1. Klae I am so sorry. My auto correct miss spelled your name. Thank you again you made me have more strength that I needed To get through this hard time ❤️

    2. Nicole! Feel free to add me on facebook! (Alyx renee carpenter) I’m creating a super private group where women can have instant access to support! The group is called “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” I’d be happy to add you to the group!

    3. Nicole-
      This post sounds EXACTLY like my situation. I have been hanging on for 7-8 months and my husband told me that he is confused. Says he didn’t want to hurt me or the kids and that I look amazing (better than I have in years). He says he tried to work on us (completely untrue as he has had a girlfriend the whole time). How do you work on your marriage when you have an exciting thing going on the side? He can’t possibly think he has been trying. We live in same house and his GF is married and lives a town over. she and my husband spend all day together as neither has a day job. I am at work all day while they are off running around together. People see them out and about. They are rubbing my face in it and the faces of her kids, my kids and her husband. This is a mess. But it’s been about 8 months and I can’t get him to leave the house. He doens’t want the kids to think he’s a bad guy. But they know he has a GF, so… I told him that I loved him and I can see he isn’t the man I have known since we were 17. This new person he has become is cold and arrogant and MEAN. He says he is in love. This woman told him he was funny and appreciates him and I never did. WOW.
      I can’t stop thinking of the future without him. How do you all cope with that? It makes me sad to think that we won’t be together at our kids’ weddings and when they have babies and the holidays will never be the same…These thoughts are crippling. Advice? I am 48…so I feel kind of old. and like it’s too late to start over.

  76. Hello again, I forgot to ask one more question. I keep hearing and reading that the affair isn’t because of something wrong is with me. But what would be wrong with him to make such disgusting choices. What personal issues could he have that would lead him to screw a coworker and refuse to work in our marriage? We were together for so long and now I’m/we’re just not worth it?

    1. Hey Alex. Nothing you did caused him to start an affair,so let him own it. Most exes will try and justify their actions by blaming you for whatever reason…eg- not enough sex,don’t feel loved,blah.blah,blah….ignore it! It’s a selfish act and it’s all about them. My ex said we were like ships that past in the night…..that my friend is life. Personally I had stopped and relations with him because I just stopped fancying him…told him he needed to take better care of himself, tried to help him loose weight..I lost 2 1/2 stone,he lost not one pound….he wasn’t invested in making the best of himself,and I resented that…,plus I cared for my mother whilst she went through heart ops,cancer and a stroke,with no help from him….I also helped my son ( from a previous relationship) get help with his mental health issues….I’m a care giver and my family mean the world….he wasn’t my number one priority…..but then he rarely saw his own parents. I would have to take our daughter to see them…they live two minutes from us yet couldnt be arsed to see their only grandchild….and even now don’t bother! So he hasn’t been given any kind of example growing up he was left to get on with it.
      Don’t take ANY blame for his actions. Only you know what your relationship looked like,and honesty is good at this point.
      I knew straight away there was no going back..firstly trust is everything…secondly even though it hurt like hell,I know I simply missed the family feel,and an adult to talk to ……haha
      We are worth more than they will ever realise. Never forget that! Even when your knee deep in tears and snot! Show your kids that mum can do it regardless of how old they are,hold it together till they are in bed…..and DONT beg, discuss or ask questions!
      No contact is brilliant used in the right way. Use it to get yourself sorted,not to berete him,he doesn’t matter at this stage. I’ve pretty much gone no contact throughout. And yes there were times I wanted to ring him but I knew it would hinder my road to life without him.
      Alyx, this is going to be the biggest test of your life, so surround yourself with supportive people,try not to go over things too much in your head, it will drive you mad.
      It’s harder with children, because there will always be contact. If it’s too hard, maybe ask your mum,or sister to do child hand over…..that’s a nightmare in the beginning. But it does get easier. Every chance my ex has he touches, hugs,…it’s intolerable, especially as he does it infront of our daughter knowing I don’t want to create a scene in front of her….
      My ex is still with the other woman and i could blow his life out of the water,but she is so welcome to him….lies, non trusting,story teller…..he’s weak. Whilst he’s still with her he’s giving me some peace from all the BS….
      Put your big girl pants on, cause your in for a bumpy ride. Show him you CAN do it all on your own…fake it till you make it, and start taking care of yourself. That means looking your best….hugs hun. You are not the reason he cheated, he cheated because he wanted to,without a thought for his family….why would any one want to take scum like that back?

    2. They’re depressed and went back to an earlier time in life because they didn’t transition properly. The chemicals in their head have them convinced it’s the spouse because we’re the common denominator. They look around at the life they have left and with zero grown up coping skills they run. Run hard. Put their love for us in a box on a shelf. Temporarily.
      Try reading about mid life crisis. It can happen anytime between 35 and the 60s. It’s very common. It’s what you are describing.
      They’re running from responsibility and blaming the marriage. It’s not us! You have to pull way back and let them fall. They will. Let God have them. He can talk to them better than us.
      Peace.
      Look for Heartsblessing Presents on Google. She’ll help you. For sure. Also The Heros Spouse

  77. Hey girls, I’m feeling so confused today. It’s been a little over two weeks since this has all happened. My husband wants to take time away from eachother and see other people. He wants to find out what really makes him happy. So, I guess he wants to touch base in a few months? I can’t believe I actually agreed to this. It’s him essentially saying I’d like to screw whoever I want for a bit to see if the family life is really for me. For a while he kept saying he didn’t want to work things out nor did he even think they could be. My thought was isn’t it worth a shot??????? We have two little kiddos, aren’t they worth it? Aren’t I worth it? He never told me little things were making him unhappy. I deserved the chance to know that my marriage was about to explode. Now I’m left with the responsibility of raising these two kids by myself. He says he’ll still be helping l, but we all know when your kids having temper tantrums and acting crazy, an estranged ex husband miles away isn’t much help. Paying child support and taking the kids every other weekend is not being a good coparent. We get all of the responsibility thrust upon us while they get to opt out of full time parenting and screw whoever they want while we’re left sitting there with broken hearts. I had a few questions and I think I mentioned all of them. Mostly what do you think of his suggestion? Once again any support or advice is super helpful as I feel I’m in hell 🙁

    1. Alyx,

      I think his proposition is BS. You deserve so much more than that. He wants you to sit there and pine over him while he goes out and sows his wild oats. NO! If you did that you would only be hurting yourself. When he came back you would be driving yourself crazy wondering who, what where he was doing. IF he came back the trust would never be there. My Dad cheated on my Mom and she tried for 5 years to stay. When he wasn’t there she wondered what he was doing.
      What is wrong with them? No telling. My DB has childhood issues of abandonment. He never dealt with it I guess. Our busy lives he felt forgotten so that gave him the right to go screw someone else. A woman that had idolized him for coaching her son. His Ego got the best of him. Instead of telling me his feelings it was easier to go talk to someone else and then screw her. He couldn’t even face me for 2 weeks.

      You and your kiddos ARE worth it. In my opinion you should focus on them and yourself and the pain will start to lessen. I am a month and a half past dday and everyday it’s a little better. Another quote I like is from Maya Angelou, Shen someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.” If he couldn’t talk to you then what will change now? He should know what he has and not have to go looking for anything else. You can live without him. I feel I have wasted 17 years on someone that I didn’t really know. He is ugly to me now.
      Your DB’s (douche bag) suggestion just makes me MAD. If mine tries to come back he can forget it. He didn’t respect me if he could do this. He had no problem forgetting his family when he was with her so he can just hand over the money and watch while I raise these boys to be Real men.

      1. Klae,
        I completely agree with you. It’s all been just so hard to go from complete happiness thinking I had a wonderful husband to totally and utterly hating him. I’m starting to wonder if there is such a thing as a trusting marraige now. I was so naive to think nothing could affect my family so negatively. I was naive to think everything was all great. I was naive to believe him when he said he wasn’t having an affair a few months ago. He had so many opportunities to tell me how he was feeling or that he was screwing someone else. He had the nerve during his affair to sleep with me as well as this other woman. I feel dirty and betrayed. I also feel slightly insane for still wanting things to be like they were. I devoted everything to him and he just backs out of our family and we’re apparently not worth trying to make things work. I know we are worth it. But why can’t he see that. My 4 month old son Owen has been changing and growing so fast. DB missed his first Halloween, his first laugh from tickling, and his first bite of food. This all can to light the day before Halloween so it wasn’t too long ago. And what he’s just totally cool with missing out on his kids lives because he doesn’t love mommy anymore? My heart breaks as I write this. I’m wrought with anxiety and doubt. I really wish I could just snap out of it and totally hate him. I know what I really need is to forgive him for my own sanity and move on with my life. But I’m just not like him, it’s not easy for me to say goodbye to our marriage. It just comes so naturally to him because he’s the one benefiting from the situation. Part of me wants to just move away and start from scratch, I know that’s not possible or fair to the kids though. It just makes me so sick to even see him around the kids now. It makes me mad that he gets to go and live a single life while his daughter is confused about why daddy’s never around anymore. Thank god they’re too little to realize he gave up on them too. I’ve been praying for peace and clarity.. I really hope this pain lessens soon. I’m broken, hurt, anxious, depressed, and angry.

        1. Alyx,

          You have said everything I have thought and am still thinking. I was naive too. To think we were going to be married forever that he loved me for all my imperfections and all. He had the nerve to say I am no saint. I never said I was but I damn sure not an adulterer. They could have confided in us but they chose to confide in someone else. You know why because that was easy. Looking at us, (the women that bore their children and loved them) and telling us that they weren’t happy might have made us cry or something. Or we would have wanted to fix us and actually out effort into it. They just wanted some instant gratification with no work. Well women are women and eventually we want more than just a quick bang. I feel dirty too. Every time I think about our moments together they were all lies. He even texted me after we sold out house and said we should go have sex in every room. Why if he was planning to leave me. Again WTF. He fell out of love with me somewhere along the way he said. Well he was still having sex with me. The OW (my coworker said old whore, I lmfoa at that) told me and DB in March when we were out on a couple date after the team won the baskeball championship that her and her husband slept in different rooms. I thought it odd she would say that but I guess that was a hint hint for him. But they didn’t plan it. Well women are conniving and it feels she has been working him for sometime. OMG. I make myself crazy with these thoughts too. I don’t want him but damn I’m pissed that he’s doing like you said. Living it up. I saw his profile on Instagram that he just started a few months ago and I’m not in a damn picture. Like he’s been phasing me out and I didn’t even know it. I feel foolish. He had a dumb as pic when I went to see my best friend on her 50tj birthday sitting on a tractor. So because she likes country he’s all of a sudden a cowboy on a damn tractor. The title said my tractors sexy. GTFO. My step sister zoomed in and I’m like he’s not even wearing his ring. That was August. Asshat!!
          Halloween is one of my favorite holiday and this year it sucked. We got flu shots and came home. My heart breaks for you that he is missing these moments. You can’t get those precious firsts back. They are young so at least they won’t know what a douche he is. It’s you that has to deal. Our best friends, who if they weren’t there would have been the first call for these precious or exciting moments. Now I don’t even want to think about him.
          My boys were devastated. Now they act like everything is fine. I’m over analyzing everything because that’s what I do. All I can do is be here for them. My 12 year old decided he wanted to start sleeping in my bed with me. I’m going to have to end that soon. He’s worried about me but I am holding it together and keep telling him Mom is ok. He asks me how my day is and we have conversations before we go to bed. About God, about school we are growing even closer through this. At least they have me. They told him they didn’t want to go back and forth. I agree. This is their home but I won’t keep their Dad from them. They love him. He doesn’t deserve it.
          I’ve been praying too. Praying that there was a reason for this. God didn’t want this toxic person in my life. I’ve been a lost sheep. He’s been sucking the life out of me. It’s like a wake up call and the fog has been lifted. There is more to life than just going through the motions and maybe that’s what was happening.
          We deserve to be happy. Music is giving me life right now. Riley Clemmons has some great songs and she is saying in her lyrics everything we are feeling with a beat and I dance around and know I’m going to make it through. When the kids have been with DB I’ve gone out. Even danced. Just looking good has made me feel good. And when we have had drops off I look good meanwhile he’s looking washed up. Whatever we have to do to feel good about ourselves we need to do. I’ve been reading too. Play with those babies because you know that will put a smile on your face. He is missing out. They are losers and Karma is a b***h.
          Hugs to you. We got this.

      2. Klae-
        Your post is eerily close to my situation. My husband of 20 years is “in love” with a woman whose twins are on his soccer team. He is their coach! How gross. His new love and he do CrossFit every day together and then sit in his car for hours and hours talking. They’ve taken to going to a tanning salon together?! WHAT?
        We live in Southern California. I’m so heartbroken. I have lived under the same roof with him for 8 months since I found out he was in love with her. Many times he tried to convince me they weren’t together. He lies daily so he can come home and sleep in our bed and be around our teenage kids. I just turned 48. We went out for my birthday and the next day my husband told my son not to let anyone know that he was with me on my birthday. HE IS USING MY SON TO COVER FOR HIM!!! How sick? I’m trying to throw him out but he won’t leave. Just sleeps in our daughters room who is off in college. I keep thinking of a future all alone and it breaks me. And all the years we had together…we went to high school together. I have loved him for more than half my life. I feel like I can’t breathe bc there is someone he’d rather be with. Klae, sorry to have made this post about me. It’s just the similarity of the husbands coaching the kids of these women. Something about that makes it so gross. Children are not stupid. My husband and his love are destroying 2 families- 6 kids between us. I worry say to day that I won’t be able to come away happy EVER. Please tell me, someone, that I will be happy one day.

  78. Hi Ladies,
    I can see here that more and more women are coming through the same thing I did. The healing process can be really long, in my case it took more than 6 months. My husband left me and our 2 young daughters for another woman last February, just 3 days after Valentines day. There were lots of tears, sleepless nights and scary thoughts in my head. Like many of you I didn’t have a clue he was cheating on me. The closest person to my heart became my worst enemy. But you know what? I’m grateful that he finally showed me his true ugly face, I’m enjoying my monster free life. I wouldn’t take him back even if things changed and he begged me to do it. He is a man who is not worth my feelings, he is the man who took the best of me and destroyed without thinking.Why would I want him back? I’m laughing out loud because his mistress thinks she won a prince charming but she doesn’t realise he is the poisonous toad.
    The new me was born and I’m stronger than ever. I know I’m worth so much more than him, because I’m the woman who has moral standards,who can look in the mirror without feeling of shame. I’d been so focused on him all those years that I nearly forgot about myself..no more waste, no more! Today I’m thinking on my children and work. and yes, I have sometimes bad moments and I feel helpless and disorientated but these are just moments, like a bad dream. Whatever is going on I’m trying hard to think positively. I may lose a family home because of his massive debt towards IVA, the divorce is going to cost me few thousands of pounds too but I won’t give up to fight for my future and my beautiful children, no matter what. When I’m angry I go for a run and listen really furious music,when I’m sad I remind myself that the worst is behind me, that that overwhelming pain is gone and he’ s not going to hurt me more. I won’t let that traitor to do it!
    Sasha and Carol as usual so good to hear from you.Bless you all lovely ladies

    1. Hey Anika….you go girl! Love hearing such positivity. Like you I’m so over all the BS. Love the saying you can wrap a turd with a bow,but it’s still a turd….our exes! My ex just looks old,fat and washed up. He definitely isn’t a catch….and he spends most of his time driving round town. What a dick!
      I’m loving the attention I’m getting. I’ve dropped about half.a Stone, had more layers put in my hair,and I feel damn fine. I’ve connected with a guy I really like, both of us have mad exes…it’s early days but I like his friendship. My kids make me smile and I’m making my way. Just applied to do my degree in counselling and psychology with open university. Waiting for funding, but something I know I’d enjoy.
      Yes I wobble at times, but less and less these days. Anika kudos honey….you are a warrior,and you are showing your kids that mum can do it all. Bravo! Hugs hunni, and carol let us know how things are going xxx

      1. Hi Sasha love, hope you are ok. Im still having some anxiety from last Sunday. Just wanted to say that everyone’s love and prayers helped as all was ok at the breast clinic. There are some changes but not cancer thank God. Big hugs and love xx

        1. Hey Carol….I’m so pleased everything was clear…yayyyyy!
          Anxiety is one of the things that goes hand in hand with such a life changing experience….I still experience it from time to time. Learn to try and relax, meditate…
          Let us know how court goes,thinking of you darling xxx

      2. Wow Sasha just wow! I’m so pleased for you that you’re going to study counselling and psychology, I just think you’re perfect candidate to become one day a psychologist. You have the right attitude, positive mind and passion. You helped me through the worst part of my marriage breakout ,many times I remember I was asking myself the same question- ”what Sasha would do?” And I knew straight away the answer-” she would show them her middle finger! ” Keep posting here Sasha , you’re the woman on a mission!
        Carol so sorry to hear you’re still grieving that cruel piece of garbage. It looks like you can’t even enjoy simple walk without bumping into that silly man. He is an evil person and he finally has someone just like him. He is lucky he was for such a long time with someone as special as you are Carol. I stopped thinking about ”my” husband some time ago, I just stopped suddenly. I realised I’m better without him and that I don’t want to be with that man-child anymore. I’m just like Sasha happy that he’s with that stupid woman because that means he is her problem now no mine! I don’t even hate him,I just simply don’t care about him. However when I see him on Saturday when it’s the only time he’s seeing kids my anger is back, but then I just go for a run and that destructive feeling is over. His life isn’t rosy anyway. I know he has problems at work and more unpaid bills. He’s 44 and he dress like a teenager, he doesn’t realise he looks ridiculous, even my daughter noticed and said he looks ”weird”. I’m not his servant anymore. My sink is empty and toilet squeaky clean and I don’t deal with his BS.That something which is giving me a comfort. No more life with a dirty minded cheater! Eventually you will realise Carol that life without your husband is better. You lived under the same roof with a monster. He is gone now.. Get yourself a dog, a parrot whatever distracts you from him. Try yoga like Sasha suggested, do something Carol. Think that few days ago you saved someone’s life. You have a power. Run for your life, don’t let that piece of crap destroy rest of your life!
        Klae it’s new for you, so I admire your strength,you flied for a divorce so quickly! I just wonder how those scumbags are going enjoy Christmas? Away from own families, away from own children? Your husband left you and his boys and now is playing daddy to children he hardly knows. I think there will be a time for reflection.. At least you’re not alone, you have your kids. He has instead a shallow woman without integrity, cheap thrill which won’t last long. You’re 39, you’re young and you’re rock!
        Love and blessing to all of you ladies

        1. Anika,

          Thank you and to all of you ladies. Reading your stories and advice is helping so much. I feel strong one moment then I stare blankly at my monitor at work and think what if I did this or that. I love your words, “marriage breakout.” The more I think on it I feel that too. I think you also said the rose colored glasses came off and I feel that too. I think of his endless high school stories and I’m this and that. I told so and so off at work. I never saw that side of him. If something happened he would just sit there and expect me to say something. It was like damn, be a man. He’s not. This person has lived a double life all this time and then added cheating to his list. I didn’t want to see it or even think it was possible. Now here come the Holidays. I am going to make them the best I can for my kids. New traditions, volunteering. We are going to fill our souls with joy and giving. What will he have. Nada. A shallow woman, yes. One who knowingly slept with a woman she called a friend’s husband. Yeah real winner. Eventually everyone will know. Whispers behind their backs, ruined families but they have each other. Your DB is 44, mine is 45. Mid life crisis, I guess and mines gone country. Eww. Sitting on a tractor posing with the ugly plaid shirt I told him not to buy. Ridiculous. He husband is pretty attractive and looks good in a cowboy hat. If I see mine with one on someday I will probably laugh so hard I throw up.
          You have taken back your life and I want to do the same. New dreams, new goals and I will be Better For it. Free from the losers.
          You ladies all rock!

    2. Anika,

      Thank you for your story. I am only 1 month and 1 week from dday but I filed 2 days after finding out. I can’t wait to get to the end of this process when I am free and clear of him. You said it perfect, you saw his ugly face and so did I. Many have said he may try and come back and I won’t have it. As Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they really are believe them the first time.” I believe he is a
      Douche bag (DB, I call him) a jack wagon and if he could do this he never really loved me. I will not waist my energy on him. I have my moments of weakness and self pity so I can’t wait to be where you are. I found it helped the first few weeks to just stay mad but you have to grieve too. Grieve the loss of a friend of the person and relationship I thought we had. He is no longer that person and I am no longer the person I was. Stronger is right. Thanks again for your words.

    3. Hi Anita, how great to hear from you. Both you and Sasha often post at times when I need help the most. I had dreadful few days as I saw him driving past on Sunday with one of her teenage boys say in the car where I used to sit, he was even wearing a jumper I bought him. He looked so smug. I started shaking and crying in the street as I can’t believe how he could just abandon me and the family and just start with another without looking back. It hurts so much sweetheart and I don’t cope well with these triggers. I truly am scared I can lose feelings for this uncaring monster Anika. I hate her for playing her part and I imagine them loved up and laughing at me. I need the strength that you and Sasha have. Love and big hugs xxxx

  79. Thank you for this article I needed it today. My name is Klae and I am 39. My husband and I have been married for 16 years this year and have 2 boys 12 & 14. Our marriage wasn’t perfect, I guess noone’s is really but I thought we were happy. This year has been the busiest year of our lives. It seemed were going in different directions with the kids but I knew it would slow down. We went on our annual family vacation during our anniversary. We went to Vegas for the first time with my cousins and their spouses. We were selling our house, building a new one and I just knew our new chapter would be amazing. Through all this I felt that we weren’t connecting but thought once we get through all this hustle and bustle that we would be back on track.
    I started noticing how much he talked about or talked to a Mom on the basketball team he coached. I told myself it was because of basketball. My son was no longer on the team as he quit the year before and my husband just had to keep coaching. He’s coached these kids since 1st grade and wanted to finish out their last year in recreational. The season was over and they kept playing tournaments. He even had me drop him off at one that was near the airport after our family vacation.
    1 week after we closed on our house at the end of Sept. I find out he’s been having an affair with her. He couldn’t even tell me. I find out from her husband. They have 3 kids. These 2 people have ruined the lives of so many and it is disgusting to think about. How do they live with themselves? The other couple decided to tell their kids so my husband had to tell ours since they are same ages and go to school together. So wrong for these kids to have to know these horrid details. He has moved out and wants to be with her. He even brought her around my kids only 3 weeks after they found out about her. They knew her before but how could he think that would be ok. I don’t even know who he is anymore. They are disgusting. I am trying to move forward but thoughts creep in and everyday I remember something else.
    Someone said already that once a cheater always a cheater. So now they are building a relationship based on lies and deceit. I guess we will see how that goes. The sad thing is that my kids are going to have to go through this. I am reading, learning and doing everything I can to help myself through this for them.
    I don’t know how I can forgive. I know it’s not for them, it’s for me but I can’t even stand the thought of them. I don’t even want to look at my husband. He is not the man I thought he was or that anyone thought he was. Instead of putting effort into our marriage he took the easy way out. Starting something new is easy. Marriages take work. I will continue to work on myself and I know I am going to be more than fine eventually. Reading articles like this and stories like all of yours let’s me know I am not alone. It is sad that it has to be this way and that people can so easily throw away a marriage and the vows they took.
    One thing I am finding is that through this I am seeing that there is one who will always love me. God is there and will always be there and he has a better plan for us. I don’t want toxic people in my life. I want me and my boys to be closer to God and know that no matter what we go through he will be here. I heard this song Better For it by Riley Clemons and her words spoke to me. It said funny how being down can make you look up. I found you down low in the brokenness and I’m Better For it. I am a singer and I sing this everyday along with the same artists song Broken Prayers. I am going to find my passions, the ones I set aside. I am healing through music. I have to let go of the bitterness and embrace who I am supposed to be.

    1. Klae, the more I read your story the more I see that we are feeling and thinking the same things. It’s so terrible to be feeling these things. My husband had been bringing the OW to our house. The kids and I just moved out two weeks ago. Our stuff is still all there. Toys are sprawled across the house and he has the nerve to bring her there to “hang out?” When I found out she had been there I confronted him and he replied with “why does that matter?” He’s gone from pretending everything was fine and dandy while he was having the affair to being found out and being so Coke towards me. He’s the one that broke mine and the kids hearts and he has the balls to be cold and mean to me? I just don’t get it. I’m so sorry you had to talk to your kids about all of this. It’s especially troubling when the OW has kids too. It makes you feel like wow you’d rather give up on all of us and go start and new family and raise her kids instead. My children are too young to feel the betrayal and rejection. I’m just torn up thinking about your children in the crosshairs. Not to mention we get a huge stab to the back too. They’ve been emotionally moved in for a long time and we’re left to catch up in a matter of weeks? We get broken hearts while they get to run around Willy nilly no longer needing to hide anything. I sooo hate that this is going on in all of our lives. I wish there was a magic button to delete the pain. I wish there was something easy to take your mind off of the betrayal. I wish there was something to stop the last few months playing everything over in my head, discovering every lie he told. It’s beyond painful and I know how you feel. I’m here for you and anyone that is reading this. Let’s all stick together and get this healing process going. However, grief is not linear. Some days are okay, sometimes there’s a good day, and then there are the days that are physically and mentally painful. Just because today is bad doesn’t mean that tomorrow or the next day will be. Grief is truly like a roller coaster you’re stuck on, all while having no idea when the ride will be over. We can do this! Step by step, day by day. Xoxo
      Alyx

      1. Alyx,
        I agree with you 100%, I am having all of those thoughts. Everyday is a roller coaster of emotions. Mad, sad, determined and repeat. The what if’s, can I just fast forward, can I throat punch her or run him over with my car. jk. I’ve had nightmares and she was in them telling me things that he has now said to me. For them to think it’s ok to have another woman around the kids is maddening. I filed an injunction that says he can’t bring her around or talk about her until proceedings are done. How did he even think it was appropriate!?

        And yeah we are supposed to just be over it. She even liked an Instagram post I posted with my kid in it 2 weeks after we found out. My DB defended her and said she adores those kids. She doesn’t even know them. She knew what she was doing and tried to act like oh she’s sorry it won’t happen again. My lawyer said these women are the worst. Pumping them up making them feel like they are just prefect. Ditto on the coldness. It’s like he turned off a switch. I noticed weeks before something felt off. 2 weeks before we closed on our house I asked him if we were ok. He said he was thinking he wanted to leave. No spark he felt like he wasn’t getting affection. I told him how busy we’ve been, I loved him and we could work on us. Is there someone else, he said NO. So there I went trying everyday to show him affection and love. I feel like a fool for trying to save my marriage only to discover after closing on a house that I can’t afford by myself he was cheating and decided to leave anyway. I married an idiot. We made so much money selling our house in AUGUST. We closed end of Sept and were living with my parents while house was being built. WTF 16 years and just flipped the switch and turned into this person I don’t even recognize and made the most IDIOTIC decision I have ever seen. I could have taken my part of the money and set me and the boys up somewhere I could afford. It just makes me so angry to think of this LOSER. I married a dumbass who peaked in high school. He is still a pretty attractive guy but just so ugly to me now. Ugly on the inside and it pours out. Some days it’s just the anger that gets me through. Giveing up on us is exactly right. It’s just too easy to start something new. We are sitting here replaying every moment and I think of something new everyday. Like a puzzle of LIES and pieces just keep falling into place. These women make it so easy for them, they aren’t asking anything of them for NOW. I’ve stopped texting or calling him. I sure when I was the first two weeks he was just calling her and she was probably like oh she is just being mean you are a great man and father. UGH. We will be strong!! We will get over them because we don’t need them and don’t deserve this treatment. We have support of our families and friends and now all you ladies. I’m listening to a Christian music and going to church and it is helping with some of the pain.
        Thank you all for listening and for the advice and encouragement.

        1. Klae,
          You and I feeling the EXACT same emotions!!! Please please please find me on facebook!!! I will always be a message away. I’d super appreciate the support too. Sometimes it takes so long for the comments to post on this. Facebook would just be so much quicker!! Same goes for any other ladies that would like a quicker support system 🙂 sometimes I can’t sleep and being able to help someone else makes my heart smile 🙂 you are so welcome to cry on my virtual shoulder! Haha Alyx Renee carpenter on Facebook! Or my email is alyx_thompson@yahoo.com

          1. Alyx,

            Yes girl yes. I was thinking should I post my phone number on here because I’m constantly checking it. At night in the morning. I will look you up for sure. Coward is dead on point!! Do they even hear themselves and what is coming out of their mouth. I only found out because the husband showed up at my new house. How did he even know where I live. Because she told him. He said he is sleeping with my wife and I want to see him tell you. I busted in the bathroom to his surprise since I had spent the night at my parents house the night before to give him the “space he needed”. He said if there weren’t kids they wouldn’t have been just standing there. I wish he would have punched him in the face. I stood there standing in shock and the husband called him a piece of crap and I didn’t deserve what he did. He told him he used his son to get to his wife and I 100% think he was right. They both used the kids. Pathetic. Days later he told my 12 yr old he should go to school and talk to her son since they are going through the same thing. They played basketball together but weren’t friends. He could have cared less till several months ago when DB started banging is MoM. OMG they are such COWARDS. My mom called him that too. My mom thought of him as a son and now she doesn’t even want to breath the same air as him. When the weight of everything comes crashing down on them I hope they remember our faces. Their kids faces and feel EVERYTHING!! No person or woman especially these shallow husband stealers will be able to fill the emptiness that will follow when the dust settles.

    1. Hey Alyx…. breath hunni. Your story is sooooo similar to mine. Like you I was a stay at home mom,and like you my ex was cheating for afew months.
      So he’s in honeymoon period. Nothing you say or do will make a blind bit of difference, so you say nothing. This is your time to take care of you and the kids. Don’t ask him anything,don’t beg,start getting your life in order.
      You are all the kids have at the moment,so if you have to try find a little job. That was my life saver. Stopped me thinking about all the crap.
      Don’t give this man any of your time.
      When the dust settles,and the honeymoon period whines,he will return. May not be to reconcile,but to find out what your up to. Use class as your weapon. If you read through some of the posts,you’ll see many women are getting through it..hugs and here if you need us xx

      1. That was the best advice Sasha. I love the part about using class as your weapon. That is what I told my husband after finding out. I am a class act. I won’t stoop to their level and become someone I am not. As much as we want to trash talk the other woman it doesn’t help us. I don’t have the best advice but every article I find I bookmark. Following the steps one at a time. Alyx, don’t listen to any blame thrown your way. The guilty have been working on their story for months of why they did what they did. It’s not you, something is wrong with them. Focus on your kiddos.

      2. Thank you so much Sasha! This is a the first time I’ve spoken with somebody in my situation. I don’t feel so alone anymore. I’ll go and read your story! This is all so terrifying! Why do I have these feelings for him still? I wish I could just hate him!

        1. Dear Alyx,

          You are definitely not alone. I myself has been through this for almost a year since the day I found out. I still have feeling for him but somehow I respond better. Day by day…..but its not over yet for me. Not yet to “moved on” stage. Look forward to it. Communication is now strictly kids and work related since we run the business together. He is still welcome to come home to visit the kids. During weekend he still stays home morning to evening.

          Since Im the one who manage the finance at work, he starts to ask more and more money which I try to block. He told me that he will prove that I am wrong about this OW is after his money. He told me to change the assets into my name for protection while he “enjoys” his new life (Me still so jealous). Now I have to use my logic more than my feeling. Not easy.

          Yes, I still cry over him. Sometime I pity myself. I should focus more on my hobby and start seeing friends again. I still could not hate him yet after all what he’s done to me and the kids.

          We are all here to share our thoughts and experience and hope we all can get through this sooner than we hope. Hugs.

  80. Hello,
    My name is Alyx, I’m 27, and a mother if two children. Nora is 2 and my son is 4 months. I’ve been with my husband since 2011 and married since 2015. The day before Halloween I found out my husband had been having an affair. He was pretty quick to jump in and say that he didn’t want to work things out. He made the cliche statement “there’s no spark.” The affair had bees going on for about 3 months. That’s right, you read that correctly. While I’ve been at home raising his daughter and new baby, he’s been screwing a coworker in my car at work. There were little signs this had been going on but I was totally clueless and thought we had a great marriage. I’m a stay at home mom and have been for almost 3 years. I’ve devoted my entire self to being a wonderful wife and mother and now I’m completely lost. I fee as if I’m only a mother now. My heart is so incredibly broken. I’ve been moved out of the house for two weeks and he’s already bringing her over to the house we raised our kids in. How could he be so heartless and cruel to his best friend and wife, not to mention his beautiful children. He’s been checked out of our marriage for a while now and I’m just supposed to catch up in two weeks. He says we need to see other people and move on. I don’t what to say other than I’m in total shock and misery. Where do I go from here. I feel as if I’m all alone in this dark hole. I can’t stop replaying over every aspect of what happened. It’s disgusting to think of them together and so incredibly painful. Help!
    Sincerely,
    Alyx

    1. Hello Alyx,

      First I wanted to say that you are not alone. I am where you are. I just turned 39 in September and got the shock of my life in October. My husband and I celebrated our 16 year anniversary back in June, we have 2 beautiful boys, 12 & 14. We sold our home in August and have been building a house all Summer. We finally moved in at the end of Sept and the week after I found out he has been having an affair and he left. It’s been going on for 4 months he says but she is a Mom on the basket ball team he coached and we have known her for 7 years. Apparently according to her he was broken and me and her husband drove them to each other. That’s right she is also married with 3 kids. All I can do is replay the moments of this year in my head. I knew something didn’t feel right but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I am finally starting to realize that maybe God has a new plan for me and my boys. Through this we are growing closer to him. I didn’t even know I needed to be fighting for my marriage and then it was too late. He had been checked out and I didn’t even know it. I am glad I found this article. I’ve read so many but last night I laid in bed thinking again. Thinking about how manipulative they both have been. Using our kids, he had her show up on his weekend with them after they found out 3 weeks earlier that Dad was having an affair. Again a shock. The other couple told their 12 & 14 year old. So my husband had to tell ours so they wouldn’t hear about it at school. WHY did they think it was ok to tell kids. These are the type of people he has brought into our lives. Manipulators and users they both are. It’s not us, we didn’t do this, It’s them. We are going to blossom into the women we are meant to be. We can live without them but I can’t live without God. I tell myself that everyday and eventually it will be my truth.

      1. Kale, I’m so sorry to hear you are in the same situation. Its just so cruel that this is happening to us, when all we’ve done is pour ourselves into our family. I too and am trusting in god during this terrible time. I haven’t attended church in a while. My husband was never interested, so that was one of many things I gave up for him. I stopped cooking what I loved, bore his children, and kept everyone loved. But to him I guess it just wasn’t good enough. The spark is gone apparently and he said it was a lot of tiny annoyances that lead him to feeling this way. I can’t even begin to describe how painful his all is. I’ve lost 20 pounds since the day before Halloween!

        1. Alyx, I hadn’t been to church in sometime either. My husband didn’t really grow up in church and over the years I feel I have moved away from practicing my faith because of him. We as women always seem to set our needs aside for our family and look what we get in return. Excuses. We ARE enough. We can’t fix what issues they have. Nobody can except themselves. I started reading a book and my husband told me I needed a book to know how to love him. WHAT!? He was never much of a reader so I guess he will stay stuck. I will keep reading and use what I am learning to be a better human. I feel your pain, waking up in the morning and feeling like how could this be happening. Every hateful word is like a new stab in the heart and back. I’ve lost weight too. Can’t eat, stomach is in knots and can’t even sleep anymore. My mom sent me a quote. “I will not let my thoughts consume me. I consume my thoughts by giving them to God.” God loves us, every part of us. When we get over this pain we will see that toxic people have no place in our world. Tiny annoyances? Oh please. I don’t think they even hear themselves. Marriages take work and I was willing to give it my all to fix us. He chose to take the easy way out. No matter what they say They made this choice. And I do believe in God and I also believe in KARMA. What goes around comes around. The negative things they have put out will come back some way. Taking about it helps. Knowing there are women and even men out there that have had their world turned upside down by infidelity.

      2. Hi dear,

        you are so right! We can defnitely live without liars and cheaters but not without God! Believe me God is so precious and true! He saved and protected my son and I. I so much understand what you are all going through and the terrible pain. Sometimes I really think we lived with a lie. A person who can destroy a family and hurt their own children are very broken inside and has NOTHING to do with the faithful spouse……My dearest now ex husband let his OW post a photo on facebook both naked in a hotel room….. and guess who saw this at first….. my son! Their wrong doings will catch up on them one day and the pain they will go through….. will be so much worse. God bless you all!

        1. Thank you Rosa and God bless you too. I feel we were living a lie. DB told me he loved me for a long time and will always love me but is not in love with me. BS. He could be with her and come home to me and play the part of a devoted husband. LIES. 2 people have destroyed so many lives. So I wonder how long it will take their mistrust of each other to take hold. They had common ground that they felt unloved, now they have common ground because everyone hates them. When the dust settles they will have built everything on lies, deceit and pain. Good luck. I can’t wait til they crash and burn but I also know I can’t dwell on them. It does me no good. Another part that hurts is our friends and his family. What has he told them? I was some horrible wife, he didn’t get enough affection. I hope they eventually see through the BS. He wants people to think I deserved this. The fact that your DB let the OW post such horrible things. Do they not see the trash in front of them. We will continue to be class acts and with God’s Grace rise above. My saving grace is music. Love songs we’re bringing me down and then I heard some contemporary Christian music. Love songs for God and his never ending love for us IS real. No man can love me like him.

          1. Dear Klae,

            what I learnt is when evilness takes over the mind of a cheater, the cheater loses all good sense! All the light inside them turns into darkness. They have to lie about us in such a shameful way in order to justify themselves! My ex lied so terribily about me that everyone believed him! I also got threatened from my inlaws!!!! They got so offended for me having treated their son so wrong because otherwise their perfect son would of never cheated! Can you believe this!!!!! This hurt me so much that I shivered with anger and pain. Adultery is emotional abuse! It is like you said, wait until the dust lies down…. the truth always wins! Reality will hit them one day. One thing you can bet on….. they threw a diamond away for a piece of glass. A pastor said, the wife is the reflection of how her husband treats her… she is a beautiful diamond but when she doesn‘t shine so much as she used to it’s because the husband is not treating her well! He is letting dust fall on the diamond and then when he sees it does not shine, he goes for something that he quickly can have…. a cheap piece of glass, that when he lets it fall it breaks into a thousand pieces…… and realises the huge illusion that glass has given him. Let a diamond fall, it may get sratched but polish it and it glows more precious than ever! Now I understand why God says, he who commits adultery is wicked. He who does it hates himself!Big hugs and God bless you!

          2. Rosa,

            Oh my gosh what you said is so profound. I watched the Gospel of John with my boys and the moment Jesus told Judas do as you must I thought of my husband. Evil had set in, God knows he is not for me anymore. Do as you must, she will be better off without your evil influence. My happy moments I feel free, a weight has been lifted, the fog has cleared and I can see and breath again. God knows what we have been through and he knows us. I can’t let his lies and stories cloud what I know about myself. I can’t believe how they can turn people against us. I struggle with that because I have always cared about what people think about me. I try to be a good person. I know I made mistakes in our marriage and I’m not perfect nor a saint as he threw in my face, but I don’t deserve this.
            I love the diamonds reference too. I am going to keep all that you said and read it often. Thank you so much for you words of wisdom.

          3. Dear Klae,

            so glad you are doing stronger. I see Gods strength and healing in you. When a person rips your soul out only God can heal and protect us from going insane. It is so true when God says a husband and a wife becomes one flesh and no man should separate! Because when that one flesh gets torn apart we lose half of our selves. This is why we feel incredible pain! At the beginning I couldn’t understand why such tremendous pain…. but that’s where God came in. God restores that missing part of you! In every marriage that goes through such hurting God always comes in otherwise we will not make it. When I think of my ex husband I feel so sad for him because he threw the best blessing that God ever gave him! Spouses who betray in such a way has nothing to do with us. It is the terrible weakness inside them that the evil saw and now they are gone. They are mean and angry with us because the evil inside them sees the light inside us! It’s like a terrible poison that overtakes them and the more time goes by the more poisen takes over their mind. My husband got angry at my pain and all my tears! At one exhausted point I told him….. dear husband I‘d rather suffer and cry and keep praying for you than being like you so proud and strong without showing no conscience and no pain. He looked so astonished at me and asked me . why???? My answer, was that I still have a heart with blood running through my veins and that it’s still beating. You have no heart any more… you have got cold water running through your veins and soon it will turn to ice… and when you reach this point you have lost your soul. He gave no reply…. A man who hurts his wife in such a way and makes her cry in pain is no man anymore…. he loses his humanity….. and hates himself! Pray for them because they have lost God in their hearts and this is so terrible…. It’s not them anymore… they have been raptured from sin. Keep strong and pray for healing. I pray so much that God will have mercy for them and that one day their eyes will lose the blindness that they are facing and that they gain back a heart with warmth……
            Big hugs to you!!!

          4. Rose,
            Wow more profound words. I thank you so much for them and pray for your strength and faith. Me and my boys and parents went to church today. The sermon once again was for us. The Power of No. we say yes to so many things that don’t matter and we say No to the things that do. Our lives are but a vapor. I’m that time you want to look back on your decisions and realize the things you said no to. These men said no to family, love, vows, trust and what did they say yes to? Sin, evil, hurt, pain, selfish desires. My 12
            Year old said what he learned is that when he says yes to video games he might be saying no to spending time with his older brother. Oh, my hearts. I am going to say yes to God, my faith, my boys and the precious moments we have. I hope I will have to strength at some point to forgive and pray for him. He is a lost sheep and even tho we will never be, God wants to find and bring home ALL the lost sheep. He will leave the 99 to go after the lost every time. Me and my boys will be the 99 and I do pray God can help their Dad someday. My Dad was a lost sheep and he died before God could bring him home in the flesh. Hopefully he was able to take him with him and I will see him again. We would love for you to join us on FB in our secret group. We’ve been posting and sharing and can reach other quicker. I even shared what you sent me before about the evilness and diamonds. I’ve read it so many times and showed my
            Mom. Your words are just such a blessing.
            You can search Alyx Renee Carpenter and she can add you if you would like. Sasha, Carol, Anika are there and more.
            God Bless you,
            Klae

  81. My husband and I were both on our second marriage. His first marriage was a 20 year relationship with a woman he had four children with. I came along and he left her. I am twelve years his junior. I understood him and his marriage with his first wife had been over for at least three years. He showered me with attention, not money. He didn’t have any to speak of. He was so thoughtful and willing. We were in love.

    We had a wonderful marriage and we encouraged each other. Life wasn’t easy, but it was so managable. We accomplished so much together and between us we had six kids. They are all successful in their own right. We sold our business and retired in Mexico. Our retirement phase lasted six months. He distanced himself from me emotionally and then let me know that he no longer loved me. I was shocked and pissed off.

    I knew I had been replaced exactly like I replaced his first wife, but with a woman half his age. He doesn’t see it that way of course. He believes he is moving on to a higher ground. He is going to help a poor Mexican woman with three children, all under the age of ten and all with different fathers. He is a condesending, patronizing idiot. He needs to be worshipped and what better way to get that feeling of adoration than with a woman you can lord yourself over.

    I am relieved that I no longer have to be with a man who his everyone’s superior, but I have these bouts of crying that hit me when I think of our relationship together and the good times. I think I could get over the hurt if I could just sleep at night. I can fall asleep, but I can’t go back to sleep after I wake up in the middle of the night, which could be anywhere from one to four in the morning. I operate on about three to five hours of sleep a night and I am an emotional mess because of the lack of sleep. This is a new experience for me. Lack of sleep is so detrimental to both my physical and emotional health, (as I am sure it is for everyone.) I have done everything I can to move on.

    Our separation took place four months ago during a brief conversation where he said he feels “ambivalent” towards me, but he “respects” me. HA!!! Not feeling much respect from him these days. Not caring about respect from him either.

    Even though I am of retirement age, I have a part time job doing something that I love; I have bought a condo in an area that I love; I have moved my aging mother in with me and I am spending more time with “our” six kids and grandchildren and I am in counselling. My family and friends have been over the top supportive of me, and shocked by his behaviour. His feelings are hurt that he is not receiving the support and encouragement that he feels entitled to. And no one has any interest at all in his new girlfriend. I am feeling rather self-righteous, which I’m not sure is a good thing at this time. But most importantly, I am moving on. If I could only start sleeping my usual eight hours per night.

    I realize that I am blessed compared to others. I couldn’t imagine having the financial worries and stress around getting through all of life’s trials and tributions at such a tramatic time. I am not sure if I am interested in a love relationship again, but my mantra has been “never say never – just don’t make any relationship decisions.”

    Taking it all into consider, I am not sure I could ever forgive him. If I did, he would believe that what he did is okay. He wants to remain “friends”, which I have absolutely no interest in. I have to stay on good terms with him until the settlement is finalized, but he is honouring his financial responsibilities to me so far with no immediate threat of stopping.

    I guess I am asking, is it possible for me to move on without being bitter, but still not like him? If there was a family gathering where “our” family are together and both of us are invited, I would go and be polite. But it wouldn’t be for him.

    My only regret at this point is that she will may not experience his moving on in another twenty years. Because he will be 95 at that time, and I would hope greatful to anyone that would have anything to do with him.

    1. Hi Patricia, I hate saying this but, once a cheater. I know you probably don’t want to hear that, and my guess is the younger woman in Mexico is getting the same lines you got. So now you have something in common with his ex…he sh*t on you too.
      I think like most of these cheating men, once the trust is gone,then it’s gone. Personally I couldn’t go back ,regardless!
      Thankfully you have your family round you,and im shocked at his age he’s still doing what he’s doing. Leave him to it, and enjoy your new life. And we’ve all heard the wanting to stay friends…those are the crumbs he’s leaving just incase this new woman and him don’t work out.
      It’s been 20 months for me, and after twenty two years together, I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire. Yep I’ve had the let’s be friends, yep he’s asked to come back, even got me flowers last week for my birthday….ughhh. He’s stalked, asked friends about my dating,been a complete twat tries to hug and touch me whenever he gets the chance….and he knows, he’s lost the best thing he ever had. He’s stuck with a woman who looks old beyond her years, who is cheating on him already,and I can’t help but think, you get what you deserve…..the man is a shell of himself….Good I say. No going back, no great get back together,just memories …and thankful I don’t have to put up with his lies,manipulation,cheating and just sheer lack of respect.
      Swallow up hun, cause your now going through exactly what his ex did…..sad isn’t it!

    2. Don’t I know it … it just pisses me off he takes 27 years to decide that he’s not happy. I’m swallowing and moving on … I am getting satisfaction that he’s in for a ride. He’s told his kids that their inheritance will be used to raise this woman’s three kids. He hasn’t even met them yet. He thinks he’s saving a small piece of Mexico by having her move in. And again, the only set back is my psyche refuses to sleep through the night. A small price to pay to enjoy the rest of my life. And lesson learned, once a cheater always a cheater.

  82. Wow Carol, you were meant to be there to help. See, you have so much going for you,one of life’s helpers….do not let this man break you.
    Regarding your ex, the thing is he doesn’t have any where to go. He’s probably shi@@ing himself…he deserves all he gets. Continue to mov3 forward my love, your getting there xxx

    1. Hi dear Sasha, many thanks for your lovely words after my post about helping at the accident it means a lot. I do hope you are right about my ex s******g himself hopefully he will when he hears from the court. I’m having a really bad day as yesterday I went out to meet a friend, we were getting ready to cross the road when my ex drove past in our old car with one of the OW teenage sons sat where I used to sit. I didn’t cope well Sasha, my friend said you’re shaking then I cried in the street thinking about how he’s rejected me for her and another family like ours never existed for 27 years. How do I deal with the rejection feelings love, like I’m second best, no good anymore, thrown away like rubbish. No one has ever broken me before. No one seems able to help me and that frightens me love, how can I lose the emotional detachment I have to this monster. My head knows all he’s done yet my heart doesn’t, he knew he had someone to go too and I’d be alone it hurts so much. I’ve recently found out from two of my three adult children, his stephchildren that when I wasn’t around he’d often give them five whacks for just minor things, he offer them the choice of being grounded or five whacks, even if they opted to be grounded he’d whack them anyway!!! My little boy was only five then and apparantly he’d be so scared he’d often wet himself. I never knew any of this as I would have left with them then. What kind of a mother does that make me. He came across as this wonderful caring husband and stepdad Yet all this was going on. I feel so upset I just want them out of my head. I wish they’d move miles away. I’m so glad i have you and the other lovely ladies here to talk too as everyone thinks after 7 months I should be over it. I feel traumatised. Lots of love xxx

      1. Carol, I’m so sorry to hear what your kids had to deal with when they were younger. If that doesn’t put fire in your belly I don’t know what will. So he’s playing daddy to OW kid….just shows what a complete twat he is. Is he in contact with your kids?
        I realise you think your not getting anywhere, but you are. Hell its been over twenty months for me and I still get confused for a second. He turned up at the house after having to pick our daughter up from school and I’d literally just got home. So touchy feely I wanted to smack him one. Then the next day the flowers arrived,via my daughter. The coward used her again. Had she not been used I’d have slung the bouquet in the bin. He knows flowers are my thing, I’m pretty sure he was expected a text or phone call of thanks…he’s still waiting haha.
        Listen, the man you thought he was, he never was….if that makes sense. Weak, pathetic,and selfish. You have your family and I promise you, with more time those feelings will weaken.
        I tell myself daily, I’m worth so much more, I still panick about my future, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t come into my future. He’s my daughters father,and I’m stuck with that bond….but I don’t need to talk to him,only communicating regarding our child and that suites me fine. I know he’s sad at what he’s lost, I know he’d be back in a minute,I know when he sees me he realises…..well tough!
        Going forward we ALL deserve a partner we can trust 100%,we all deserve to be happy ,we all deserve better……
        Keep going, slowly,take a breath and thank your lucky stars he’s out of your life…hugs hun xxxx

  83. Morning Carol…..Thankyou for your B/wishes….
    I’m sorry to hear your still having health worries. I will pray for you,and a positive outcome. Right then, with court looming, you need to start thinking smarter,and getting it sorted. Regardless of representing yourself, make sure you have copies of everything to hand. This is your time to get your message across that you will NOT go down without a fight . Bank statements etc mortgage statements etc…life insurance ,anything you think relevant.
    Carol, if you really think they are having a great time, then I can gaurentee they are not. If you think your stressed, then they will be doubly stressed.
    Focus now on your own well-being,stop,stop,stop thinking about them. Your family need you well,because you are their main priority,so start being kind to yourself,and love yourself. We have conversed for months and you are a wonderful lady who deserves so much more…hugs darling xxxx

    1. Bless your heart lovely Sasha, you are always coming to my rescue, if only I could give you a proper hug. I’m trying to get all my documents organised, of course he doesn’t know I have all this evidence. I even have two fuels cards he took outin the name of a business that doesn’t exist, I’m hoping that will prove to the judge that he’s capable of doing devious things. He also won’t know he will have to do another form E this time ordered by the court as the last one he lied all the way through and never provided bank statements, wage slips or pension details. My solicitor then asked for the answers and documents regarding all that back in September giving him two weeks to reply but haven’t had a response, yet up until then there were bullying letters from his solicitor regularly, its really odd Sasha.
      I went out with my family about ten days ago and a road accident happened right in front of us, although I haven’t worked in my ambulance job for 18 mths I triaged people, organised emergency services, got my children helping and making scene safe. The worst casualty was 84 man who bullseyed the windscreen from inside, sorted him out but knew he was seriously injured and lot of blood loss. My old colleagues turned up and I continue to help until he was airlifted to hospital. They said I’d done brilliant job. My children and daughter in law had never seen me in work mode before said they were so proud and I was amazing to watch. I was just doing what I’d been trained to do but it was great to hear them say that and to know part of the real me is still inside this shell that is crying all the time.
      You are probably right about them not being happy but I’m thinking why are they still together if they aren’t but the children say he can’t afford to go anywhere else and he will panic about court. Its my imagination that runs riot sweetheart I don’t want them in my head anymore.

      I want to be strong like you and the other wonderful ladies here. Take care dear friend, hugs and love xxx

  84. Hey ladies. Hope your getting through your days with more ease. Well I celebrated my 51st birthday ,went to the theatre,was very spoilt and came home to a bouquet of flowers off the ex. Couldn’t help laughing. The man is intolerable,funny,but intolerable. I wonder what his OW would say? Actually I’m not bothered. If he wants to waste his money on me then so be it. It doesn’t change a thing….
    Good news is I’ve actually Met a guy,who I think I really like haha. Early days,and he’s sooooo very different. There’s fire in my belly,I’m excited,but not taking anything too serious.
    Took the daughter to London last week,and we had a fabulous time..ofcourse the ex never stopped ringing then asked her what we had been doing…a blow by blow account……oh and he’s tsking her next year…ffs
    Ladies life is good, thank your lucky stars that you don’t have a lying cheating manipulating twat living with you anymore…enjoy ❤️❤️❤️

    1. Hi Sasha sweetheart, a very belated birthday hug to you. Flowers from him eh, he’s got it bad!! I never even got a text off of mine. It sounds like you had a lovely birthday. I’m so pleased that you had such a great time in London with your beautiful daughter. And finding someone new, that’s amazing, you deserve happiness.

      Well despite still being on this horrible emotional rollercoaster I did two days ago mail off the Form A to start court financial proceedings as still nothing from him and his solicitor since September. He will be very angry when he gets told he has to attend court and I’m scared as I’m representing myself. I’m still not angry enough and that concerns me as does the fact that although my emotional detachment to him is a bit weaker its not gone yet. I just so want them to break up so they feel the pain they’ve put me through. I’m also very scared as I’ve another health scare, I was examined by a Dr yesterday who arranged an immediate breast cancer clinic appointment for next Wednesday. I’m praying its just normal changes. Its just one thing after another love and I can’t take much more. I’ve cried everyday for 7 months when will it stop.

      Take care big hugs and love xx

  85. I am so glad I found this. I am going through ha similar situation. I am so blindsided that I can’t even believe I’m taking this. My husband and I have been married for almost 29 years. We have five grown adult children all girls. We had to businesses in a small town. And I believe our marriage was very happy. I had no idea that he was having an affair. One of my daughters made a suggestion that I should check his cell phone. And one night I decided to do that because of the way he was acting. He went to bed. And I grabbed the cell phone, and there it always. My has been is 56 and she’s 27! I took pictures from his cell phone and copied them onto mine up all of the texts, skype, phone numbers, FaceTime messages or logs, and I ended up waking up at 4 o’clock in the morning and confronting him. And he said he had fallen in love with her? I was completely devastated.. He said he was in love with her. They have been seen each other for several months.I asked him to leave, he thought it for about an hour. He packed a little bit of his stuff and left. It is now been 12 weeks. I am still having a real hard time with it. But I know that there is no going back They are still together?

    1. Hi Jodie,
      Your story and mine are similar. My husband of 37 years left me with a note one week ago. He left me for the other women she is 11 years younger. He cheated on me for the last 10 months. I found out a few weeks ago. I thought we were in a happy marriage. I was happy. Now I’m a wreck.

  86. I have been married for a little over ten years. We have 3 kids. We built a house roughly three years ago which put our middle child having to switch elementary schools . He was having a hard time in school so his teacher offered to tutor him in our home. A year later I found my husband hiding texts between him and our son’s teacher/tutor. In the same week I found out I was pregnant. Needless to say the tutoring ended abruptly . Our youngest was born in March and within 3 months my husband filed for divorce . Since then he has been seen with the teacher in public which he states is only friendly outings but he has also been spending overnight stays at her house. He recently called to see if we could work on our problems and I was willing. A few months of us slowly working on our family and he asked for a postnuptial agreement . I declined and two days later he was caught at the teachers house again. I am so heart broken, cry daily, and cannot get over this . My husband whom I trusted with everything and a teacher that I held to higher standards both did me and my family wrong . Any suggestions on how to move on without the years daily?

    1. Jess, this breaks my heart to hear because I am both a wife whose husband has left her for another woman, and a teacher.

      Whilst teachers are human, they should be expected to meet a higher standard than this. In Australia, teachers can only “tutor” students at school unpaid in after-school programs.

      I am so sorry for what you are going through and I am right now off work to recover from the shock of his leaving two days ago to be with her. It’s like they turn into another person.

      Look after yourself and focus on being the best mother you can be for your beautiful kids.

      Alexandra

  87. Hi ladies….well, what can I say. Daughter came home and said dad was talking about Xmas and seems to think he can do presents at our house? I held out the olive branch last year, but really don’t want him in my house,and so asked her if she wanted to do it again. She said no,it would be too much, too awkward….against my better judgement I said if she wanted to, I would leave for an hour,walk the dog etc. She’s adamant,and I hate saying this,but thank god!
    He will have to do presents somewhere else. Should I do more? Am I being selfish. I’m led by her,and don’t want it to seem like I’m pushing her in any way….any advice would be great..hugs warrior blossoms….keep going xxx

    1. Hi Sasha. Absolutely you are doing the right thing. It’s your and your daughters house not his. He gave up that right. Keep those boundaries in place and thank you for being an inspiration to us 💕

    2. Dearest Sasha, I think your dear Daughter is like her Mum, amazing, strong and knows what she wants. She wants a happy Christmas with her Mum, she doesn’t want her Dad causing extra anxiety over the Christmas period. You can both have a chat now about how special you can make it and what you are both going to do. She has chosen that she doesn’t want him to be a part of it, the same as he made his choice to leave and do what he did. I’m so glad she has you. You are both doing great considering he is doing his best to cause problems.

      I’m still struggling sadly, crying everyday, I struggle with the rejection as she’s a horrible person yet he obviously thinks she’s better it hurts. He’s also not responded to the order to pay my divorce petition costs, he will have been angry as its almost £2500, my solicitor gave him 7 days to respond but after 9 days nothing. He’s also not responded to the long letter she sent requesting answers to the lies he put on his financial disclosure. Its very odd and frustrating as normally I get a nasty bullying letter soon after from his solicitor yet I haven’t heard anything. I’m still so upset he’s living with her he knew he was leaving me alone but also knew he had someone to go to, it upsets me so much the constant thoughts of that, I so want them to go wrong.

      I’m thinking of you Sasha, lots of love and hugs xxx

      1. Dear Carol,

        I know exactly how you feel. It is normal that you are grieving. What I need to say to you is that you are healing. Yes, it sounds crazy what I am saying but all your tears, hurt and pain is a process of healing! I went through all this too and never would I have thought that this is what you need to go through in order to wake up one day and realize that your heart is stronger and the love you felt for him starts fading. I see you still need to go through the angry phase. What helped me to go further is I wrote down all the terrible things he has done to me and believe me… anger starts setting in! Your eyes open slowly but surely to reality. Sometimes the anger is overwhelming! There were days I thought I would explode! Carol, please be strong. You need your time and I promise you this, one day you will realize that you are the one who is a thousand times better off than him. Just think this, if your husband is truly happy with her why is he so angry and mean to you? It doesn’t make sense!!!!! He is angry and acting as Mr. happy because he knows… he KNOWS that YOU are the better part! He KNOWS that the other woman he is now with would NEVER reach you… not in a lifetime! Does this make sense? Of course!!!!! Be proud of yourself as you maintained your honesty, integrity and respect! You have such great values that your husband will never ever have again… and this is why he is so angry………
        Believe me!
        Big hugs to you!!!!
        Rosa!

        1. Dearest Rosa, thankyou so much for helping me. I don’t understand why I still miss him and I so want the love I have for him to fade. I’m having real difficulties imaging him with her, it hurts so much and I don’t know how to move past that, its like I never existed for 27 years and she just came and replaced me like I was trash. I wrote down last night all he’s done like you suggested Rosa, gosh it was awful, emotional and financial abuse, lying, cheating at least twice and stealing then abandoning me during major surgery. How can anyone love and miss a person who can do that to you? I worry there is something wrong with me. I’m so glad you are doing better I’m just sorry you and everyone here had to endure this nightmare. Love and hugs xxx

      2. Hi ladies Thankyou….saw my therapist today, and we discussed this very topic. She made me realise my ex was a classic narcissist….I don’t owe him anything. She too is adamant that everything my ex has done will eventually lead to my daughter eventually turning her back on him….the narcissist managed it all by himself…..twat!
        She also said that it’s ok to not want to forgive to move on, some people don’t deserve forgiveness, just the fact they are out of your life is enough. And that makes me happy!
        Carol, isn’t it funny your ex has gone quiet! I bet he’s crapping himself now…doesn’t answer cause he’s been found out! Come on Carol, your wasting valuable time on these two,when you could be working on yourself. I know Hun, it’s hard, and if I lived next door I’d kick your booty,grab a bottle of vino,and share a drink……start making plans now. Do one thing every week,get out of this rut your in….your stronger than you know, your still breathing and you deserve so much more! Let her deal with his crap now, and be honest with yourself….was the relationship that good? From what you’ve written, it really wasn’t! We all care for you,now you need to care for you!
        JulieN……Thankyou Hun….in my heart I know I don’t have to put up with his sh@t anymore,and you know what I’m so over all the crap he keeps doing.
        Ladies, stay strong, make new memories,cause life is far too short! Hugs all xxx

        1. Dearest Sasha, as always a big thankyou for being there, you are my inspiration. I’m so glad your therapist was helpful and that you and your Daughter will be spending Christmas together without his involvement, let the narc suffer. Yes its odd mines gone quiet unless its the lull before the storm hun, looking back the relationship was great for many years but horrible for the last two or three but he was all I’ve known for nearly three decades and I’m really struggling with them being together sweetheart, I feel worthless because he chose someone like her over me. I hope they both rot in hell. I can’t help it but I want bad things for them and that’s not like me. I so want my love for him to go away but I don’t know how to do that and it scares me. I’m sending you much love and big hugs xxx

          1. Hey carol. Whilst your still wishing the pair of them the worst, your still embroiled in it all. Something I’ve learned along the way. Listen, she is getting the very worst version of him. She sees and hears what he does and says. Can you imagine? Believe me, when I tell you, she will be wondering all the time!
            Stay strong carol,and keep going. Stop yourself! Make small plans for YOU!
            And what if he did come back? What would it look like? Not good is it? I don’t think about my ex ever coming back,because I don’t want,need or miss him. I see him for exactly who he is.
            I’m grateful he’s occupied….what him and her have put my daughter through, tells me they are both idiots,void of others feelings. I could never ever use my daughter to get what I want….both have,and it’s sad isn’t it. I’m giving my daughter the best version of me. The responsible, caring, nurturing, no messing mum who she can count on. Now Carol, start putting you first, start building your new life.
            When all the dust settles, I can say I’m worth so much more,and I don’t need to be with a man like my ex because I’m worth so much more….. and so are YOU!
            Hugs to you and all you women going through this….you are all beautiful, xxx

  88. Hi ladies…well it’s been afew weeks,and the crap keeps on giving! Ughhh! So the ex tells our daughter he can’t have tea with her Monday cause he’s going out….Then on Monday rings her and says he’s cancelled his night out so he can spend time with her….really? My guess is the concert you were bragging about didn’t happen because something at home happened? So OW decides to take her daughter instead. My daughter on the other hand, saw straight through his BS, and told him. And then what transpired was a 14 year old whose anxiety and panic attacks increased! Her father ofcourse simply doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to deal with it, so minimises it!
    I’m so angry that I have to deal with this alone. Doctor has now put her on beta blockers., she’s in counselling and has a go to teacher too…it’s sad,that one man, the one man who should be there for her, has caused all this crap!
    And to top it all, he is at my sons beck and call ( my son from previous relationship). The same man who couldn’t be bothered with him previously, who would say, he’s not staying here…hell that was one of the reasons we disagreed….yet all of a sudden, he is his best mate. That puts me in a difficult position. I have no problem them having contact, but I do have a problem with my ex using my son to get information out of him. My ex knows everything going on in our house. So I keep tight lipped about my personal affairs. I went for lunch with an old male friend last week. My son automatically thought it was a date…..so ex then asks my daughter if mum is dating! See what I mean? It’s relentless.
    I feel at the moment that my ex will always be poking his nose in our business, there is no calm at the this time, and as strong as i am, it’s wearing me down.
    Both the doctor and counsellor have asked our daughter if they could get dad in to discuss, but she is adiment she doesn’t want him there. She says he’s the problem. But she doesn’t feel she can tell him that. How utterly sad ,that the one person who should know isn’t being told,so it’s a vicious circle. Now because my daughter trusts me and confides in me, means I can’t tell him either. I feel useless, but I will not go against the trust she has in me. So I feel like I’m failing her.
    The ripples of crap, continue on a daily basis, and this strong lady is feeling useless at the moment.
    Now if his life was so perfect, he wouldn’t be ringing my daughter excessively constantly asking her if she loves him, trying to FaceTime daily, even after taking her out for tea,questioning her, throwing money at her…why can’t he just get on with his life and leave us to it,and simply use his access time to have fun with her. He takes her to the same places for tea,cause my daughter won’t go to his house or have anything to do with the OW. What he doesn’t realise is,he’s smothering her ,and as my therapist said, eventually your daughter will turn her back on him…. never in my wildest dreams would I have thought he would be such a useless ,piece of crap.ahhhhhh!

    1. Dearest Sasha, I’m truly sorry for what your ex is putting you and your Daughter through, he has no idea the hurt he’s causing. These bloody men are only interested in themselves and how they feel. I’m glad you and your dear daughter have a therapist, she obviously sees her father for what he is. Its doubly difficult with the fact of him being so friendly with your son, this is probably because he sees him as a mate, and thinks he can use him too but in that kind of way where he tries to be best buddies whilst manipulating him into giving him information. Its so frustrating for you. Maybe he needs proper boundaries now and whether he should even see your daughter at all, if she’s in agreement of course as you’d have professional backing and evidence to show its causing her psychological problems and its not fair on her or you darling. Big hugs you deserve better. You are one strong lady we all love you. I’m still plodding on tears everyday, waiting for his bullying solicitor to respond regarding his lies and the fact the district judge ordered him to pay the petition costs. I’m still frustrated and angry that I miss him and find it so hard to lose that attachment to him. Looking back the last two years he has been emotionally and financially abusing me. I miss being part of a couple I hate he knew he had someone to go too yet he knew I’d be alone and he didn’t even care I can’t wait for the day they aren’t in my head anymore when I don’t care what he’s doing . Im surrounded by people telling me to toughen up , let go and forget them,
      not easy after 27 years hun. These men are pure evil. I’m hugging you tight Sasha thinking of you and your Daughter, much love xx

      1. Aww Carol, Thankyou for responding. It’s so tough. We had tears again tonight. She feels so totally betrayed by him. Says she can’t trust anything he says and then says why am I not angry? I was honest and told her I am angry,but with his behaviour. I also told her the reason I don’t communicate with him like her other friends whose parents are divorced. Simple, they don’t stalk,constantly ring,question,etc,etc! I so want them to have a great relationship,but he is hanging onto her for dear life,and it’s smothering her. I hate him for that. Saw one of his friends ( ex friends by all accounts) who said, they felt I’d nothing to feel bad about, that he deserved everything he got,and by the looks of things he’s very miserable. Both our daughters are best friends. He told me our daughter has nothing good to say about her dad,and that spoke volumes . Dad rings her continuously when she’s at their house,and She ends up turning her phone off….it’s shear madness,and would make anyone anxious! Even after I’d tol d him to calm the calls down,he doesn’t care about anyone but himself,!
        Carol, cry as long as it takes. They are your feelings. But remember that you will get through this. Any man who can behave which so much cruelty,doesn’t deserve your time. You can do this, I promise ! Give yourself 10 minutes each day to think about him, then stop and get on with your day. You have to really make the effort, but stick with it. As time goes on reduce the amount of time you think about him…if you can get out in the fresh air, exercise is so good for lifting your mood, walking! Carol, don’t give up on you, and find your strength. Your allowed to cave into your feelings every now and again, but, don’t give into them….ever! Hugs my darling xxxx

        1. Dearest Sasha, I’m so sorry your daughter is so distressed. How could he do it to her and leave you to deal with the consequences of his dreadful actions. Its a pity he doesn’t get the message and move miles away. I’m glad she has such a great Mum and it sounds like her friend is very supportive, can she not switch her phone off while there as you can always ring her friend if you need her.

          I’m having a dreadful day for some reason, feel so lonely, just sat sobbing, how could he just abandoned me for someone like her just because I was unwell, and leave me penniless, he doesn’t care if I’m alive or dead hun. Sometimes I don’t think I can do this, I’m surrounded by people who think after six mths I should be over it. I miss him and it hurts sweetheart. Thinking of you xxx

          1. Hey Carol, tomorrow is another day. You can do this cause your doing it! Ok, you’ve cried today,but you may not tomorrow. They say loosing a partner to someone else is like coming off drugs. Are you getting any better? The main thing is taking care of yourself. If you write down every little crappy thing he has done,and keep reading it. Keep going hun, I know it’s hard, but your in a far better place than when you first split.
            I’m under no illusion that my exes life is perfect…far from it! The man is a joke, he knows it,and everyone else knows it. He’s never seen in town with his OW….that tells you everything you need to know. I’d like to think when she has to sell her house, they will both F#@k off and move out of town, and there’s another headache…if he rents with OW then his daughter will turn her back on him completely….something I doubt he’s even thought of. Her thought is dad should have rented something as soon as we split, on his own…hell he can afford it!
            The headaches will always be theirs. Kids turning their back on the parent who has wrecked the family. They have alienated themselves,and will always ask themselves if it was all worth it. I know my ex is living a nightmare,and I hope he looks at Ow and asks himself if she was worth it. From what I’ve heard that would be a big fat NO! Haha.
            Carol, leave him to it, stay NC, and work on you hunni. You have got through another day….hugs xxxx

  89. My husband and I just purchased a home together. I noticed he was acting strange… I found out he was talking to and cheating on me with his boss! He than keeps saying he wanted to work it out and that he loves me but as much as I would work through it, he still goes home to her. This has been going on for just shy of 4 months now. I emotionally cannot deal with it any more I’m exhausted… I wish I knew what the right choice here was!

  90. Hi all i wonder if you can give me some advice my darling husband of 30 years is filing for divorce, i have told hime and his snotty solcitor that i will not sign any divorce papers until he makes it official about the agreement we decided on the equity on the house. A friend told me he cannot divorce me after two years unless i sign, only after five years of living apart.Is this true? I have asked his solicitor what grounds he is divorcing me on,
    I refuse to make anything easy for him after his dreadful behaviour with his floosy.
    Keep strong all of you, get mad not sad i have come a long way in two years you will too. Love to all Kim x

  91. I cannot believe that practically overnight I lost my life as I knew it, my husband, our homes, our family. Just 2 months ago I was helping a mutual girl friend deal with her husband leaving. I never thought in a million years she and my husband would have an affair. I welcomed this woman into my home, my family, even our family vacation! Little did I know the affair had started one month earlier.
    So here I am, hearing that he does not love me anymore. Loves the other woman and wants a divorce asap. I’m still in shock, my dreams of us together forever gone, my husband gone, the other side of my bed empty. Literally overnight. I know I’ll be fine, eventually, but I still have my moments of fury & despair. Thank God I have my family & friends to hold me up.

    1. Hi Marie
      I’m sorry to hear your news. Your story is not dissimilar to mine. Where do these women come from?
      I’m 10 months in and it still cripples me daily but finally I’m beginning to see some light at the end of the tunnel.
      My advice is not to be like me – move on now if you possibly can. Don’t waste time.
      Accept that he is obsessed (sorry – in love with) this woman and that as such you are not important any more.
      Accept that you deserve better and that the powers that be have a plan for you
      Accept that he will be a total dick in every possible way he can be because he is pandering to an insecure woman.
      He will not be happy long term – they rarely are – less than 4% of such relationships work out.
      His happiness is built on your misery – shaky foundations as you won’t be miserable for ever.
      Rebuild your dreams.
      You sound like a strong girl. Dig deep and move on.
      Xx

      1. Jane,
        I cannot tell you how much your message meant to me. You are 100% right. Ironically, this is the second time I am dealing with this. My first marriage of 20 years ended after my husband had an affair. This marriage, only 2 yrs old is now over, with him cheating with a mutual friend. I feel like a cat with 9 lives. LOL Yes, I will pick up the pieces and start rebuilding my life asap. I need to stop picking insecure and weak men. I am not bitter, just stronger. (with the help of my four amazing daughters) Hugs Jane XOXO

        1. Marie,
          I came across this chat group by chance. It is truly shocking to read so many sad stories of husbands treating their wives this way. I am so sorry that you have had to go through this twice Marie. To be betrayed by a friend you kindly helped and took under your wing, is even worse. You are a strong resilient woman.
          I was with my ex for 25 years – married 22 of those. He was my soul mate, best friend and we did everything together having not had children (by choice). We traveled all over the world. He seemed to change overnight into a person I didn’t recognise. I later said it was like “a spaceship had come down and taken my husband away and put an imposter in his place”.
          You think you would know someone through and through after all those years. It seems I didn’t….
          He had an affair with a woman working in a coffee shop at his work. It took me 5 months to uncover the truth (after my suspicions were aroused) after his denials and insistence that I was going mad / was paranoid. I had begged him to tell me the truth. I never got that from him, even to the day I walked out and took my ring off. He was still lying. You would think after so many years together I deserved some honesty but “no”. The truth is once a man decides to leave there is no empathy whatsoever. You don’t exist in their eyes.
          I was forced to live with him for 6 months during his betrayal because he refused to move out; during which time his affair was blatantly flaunted under my nose. Even skyping her in the house when I was there and driving her around in our car! I was in despair and in a bad emotional state.
          Just before Christmas he had left out the picture of the baby they were expecting for me to find in the spare bedroom. He had never wanted a child. Neither of us wanted a family. That was the “nail in the coffin” for me and I immediately said I wanted a divorce, heart-broken though I was. He hadn’t said he would leave me.
          I tried hard to move on and pick up my life. It was hard. I found a small house – not in such a nice area as our bigger one – and kept myself busy with work, my fantastic supportive friends and family. I continued to travel (which I love) though on a modest scale. I joined the gym and started weight training. it gave me back my sanity. I had a course of CBT therapy.
          I was doing so much better….
          A year after moving into my new place, and not long after the divorce finally went through, he moved back to the area and bought a house 6 doors away from me, with the Other Woman and their child – a baby boy.
          Unbelievable…. my life was a soap opera … its official.
          He said he didn’t know I lived there which was later proven to be a lie, since our former car (for which he made me pay half ) was on my drive. He knew I did before I completed, but still moved in there regardless.
          Fortunately I don’t seem them all that often but we commute from the same rail station. He has tried to talk on occasion. I have nothing to say.
          I have had to lose contact with his parents -whom I loved dearly – and I have lost lose friends – one of 40 years – who “ghosted” me, around the time my ex moved back to the area. All very hard to deal with and further insult to injury.
          As for the Other Woman – in her situation I wouldn’t be happy to be “living 6 doors from his ex of 25 years” but she has blatantly stared at me when I have seen her in the street. I have remained cool and calm throughout (no matter how hysterical and angry I was at times). I have always found “silence” says a thousand words and to react just shows them you care – I just showed a cool disdain.
          Unfortunately I haven’t been able to move due to my financial position (the divorce left me starting over on the property ladder ) but I hope to be able to at some point.
          I want to tell you that it will get easier. All of this makes you a stronger person. The grieving is a process which you have to get through, you cant go round it, only through it. It really is like the future you thought you had has been taken away.
          I guess you can never take your relationship for granted. I was happy and I thought he was too. Then one day he changed.
          Friends of mine think it will never happen to them.
          I have done things I would never have done when I was married, I have become more independent, taken on new hobbies and met new friends. I have traveled places the ex never would have wanted to go. Life goes on and its for living.

    2. I had a similar thing. My husband of 13 years left very suddenly and admitted he was seeing a good friend of ours. I can not believe either of them could do this. I have known her for 20 years, I welcomed into our home, we went on holidays. We share so many mutual friends.
      It’s still a shock at the moment. I can’t believe he has left and that he is with her. He left a trail of destruction and debt behind him. I have tried to keep contact to an absolute minimum as I refuse to beg for his love. We have met once since he left and he was so cold towards me as if it was my fault. He has never apologised or explained or even asked how I am.

      The confusion on top of the pain is just destroying me.

  92. Hi Everyone,

    I’m a couple months past official divorce date and about a year and 3 months past DDay. At this point I’m on my way to a new life. I don’t want to be with him anymore (the person he was doesn’t exist anymore anyway), I don’t love him anymore and since the rose colored glasses came off I’m not even attracted to him anymore. But the thing that still sticks in my craw is how much energy he put into wooing and romancing her and made dedicated effort to spend time with her – all things he never did for me. He’s completely infatuated with her, and I’m jealous not because it’s him but because I want that for myself. I want someone to have amazing sex with and the strong, intimate connection that I never had with him but always yearned for. Why does he get to have it? And with someone who’s married with two kids, on top of it! Why do they deserve that and not me? Why did she turn that light on in him and not me? He blew up our lives and is trying to destroy another family – who does that and gets rewarded for it?? All questions that are pointless to ask, I guess, but it all just seems so unfair. So unjust.

    1. Hey Lisa, has he told you they have an amazing connection, does he tell you how he woos her? My guess is, it ain’t what it seems. Like you I wouldn’t take my ex back if you paid me,and like you,the rose tinted glasses are off. My ex makes me feel repulsion. But I get it that these men simply go on with their lives leaving destruction behind…get this….my ex has asked to come back,cried to the kids,and stalked me for over a year….their lives aren’t as rosey as they want you to believe. Firstly, they are stuck with their mirror image…a cheat! Whilst the affair is secret it’s all so wonderful. But when the dust settles, and they only have each other, then the rot sets in. They are no longer part of the family unit, the sniggers,and whispers they have to put up with, then there’s the comparisons….sorry but I certainly wouldn’t want to start like that. No trust, constant paranoia that the other isn’t being truthful. Every time I think of it I laugh. She is so very welcome to my ex. He wasn’t all that anyway. A good provider, and decent dad at the time….but he was lazy. Overweight, lacked a lot of things. Hell I wake up each day and thank my lucky stars he’s gone. I’ve never had a conversation with him to get back together, I’ve gone NC pretty much since we split. And he hates it! He hates that I’m getting on with my life, going out, enjoying myself, meeting new people……
      The downside is the effect on my daughter..,he has done and said some really sad things to her, constantly asks her if she loves him, slags me off, tries to undermine me all the time. I ignore, Explain things calmly to my daughter,and make excuses for him. Why? Because I’m the better person, the responsible parent….
      Karma can after a year when he took our daughter away, and hadn’t been out the country 5 minutes,when one of my friends saw some guy leaving her house early in the morning…oh what a tangled web.
      So don’t be jealous of the picture they try to portray….it’s fake and tarnished like their shi**y relationship….laugh, enjoy life and leave the looser behind….hugs x

      1. Thank you for the words of support, Sasha. You’re totally right, of course. This won’t work out well for him…he’s having trouble convincing her to leave her family for him. He’s now the ‘other woman’ and I’m sure his ego isn’t handling it very well, lol. What an asshat. On to better, even if that just means more self love.

  93. Sad day today. Hi my friends, well its been a sad day as my decree nisi, not the absolute was granted by the court this morning on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour. It is the beginning of the end, its so distressing as its a journey I didn’t choose to make. My ex and his trollop did the choosing yet I’m the one in so much emotional pain over it. Sadly I didn’t get much family understanding today as to what this made me feel, just told to toughen up, move on, forget him and her and let go. All things I would so love to do, I try but I’m not good at it at all. I just want karma to hit them so much I hate not knowing if he’s happy or miserable or worried about the financial mess he’s in. I just know that six months on I’m still hurting so bad and despite my best efforts they are both in my head way too much. Thankyou for listening, love to you all xx

    1. Hi Carol. Such a hard day for you and I understand fully how you feel. Your feelings are not like a tap you can switch on and off. It comes in waves but slowly but surely you get breaks in the waves and as time goes on, the breaks become bigger. Six months is no time at all to work through your grief and loss. Do it at your speed and in your own time. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this horrendous pain. Try to take it a day at a time and not think too far ahead. As for what he/they are feeling, I truly believe somewhere along the line they will get what they deserve. Karma has a way of dealing with low life scum. You are worth a dozen of them because you have honesty and integrity. I won’t tell you to not think about them because that’s impossible but be kind to yourself. When my thoughts run away from me I try and ground myself by looking at objects, hearing sounds, smells and taste. It brings your brain back to the present. Thinking of you xx

      1. Hi Julie, thankyou sweetheart for your very kind words and for thinking of me. I just wish I could stop crying. Looking back he has treated me very badly for the last two years. Nothing I did was right and everything including the debts were my fault he said as if I hadn’t been I’ll none of this would have happened so I keep blaming myself. There was a time when he was so kind and caring but he’s a monster now, I find it so hard to come to terms with though love. I put my heart and soul into our 27 years and he just threw me away like trash. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this awful experience too. Thankyou so much again xx

    2. Carol, please be strong. I know exactly what you are going through. Believe me, after 20 years of marriage and now divorced after two years of separation the pain and anger is still there. I still feel so angry and sad when they keep telling me just go ahead and find yourself. They have no clue to the pain and anger we are going through. I can promise you this, you will be stronger and with time you realize that your husband was for such a long time not the man you used to know. He started falling into sin a long time ago. When this starts their moral, character and consciousness starts to decline! When everything comes out you see a cheater that started being selfish a long time ago. You cannot believe who is this person!!!It is like an alien has taken over his body and mind. Carol, please believe that it has nothing to do with you. It is sin that’s taken over him. When a husband abbandons his family all that was good in him is gone! Evil cannot live with good, lies cannot go together with truth and honesty. He is now blinded with selfishness and with infatuation! Yes Carol, it has nothing to do with love. Think this my dear, what has love to do with lies, selfishness, hurt and pain? Absolutely nothing!!!! Your husband like my ex are so lost in something that is fake, cheap and false. What helps me to heal is that the other woman has a lost soul, she is with a man that is destroying a family, lying to his wife and hurting his children. And you are jealous of her??? No Carol! Can two liars and cheaters make it right? Please be strong and believe in yourself for what you are! A beautiful honest woman that knows what true love is. You are honest and true to who you really are. Your husband unfortunately doesn’t see nor understand this. Please pray for him. The other woman brought out the worst in your husband. She has no moral nor self esteem. Can you be jealous of such a person? No! Carol, you’re a diamond like all these beautiful woman who are going through the same. I see it this way, our husbands forgot how to bring their diamonds to shine agap. They don’t want to work in taking time to bring something so precious in it’s full beauty again. These men prefered cheap glass that is shinning so strong at the moment but it will lose its light with time and no time, money or polish will ever bring that glass to shine like the diamond he once had……. Big hugs to you and to all on this blog. My blessings to all! Yours Rosa….

      1. Dear Rosa, you are so very kind to help me and I’m so grateful for your words of comfort. I’m truly sorry that your husband did this to you, no one ever deserves it. I so hope there is such a thing as karma and that they all get what’s coming to them. We love them with all we have. I feel like I’m in shock as he totally blindsided me. I truly thought I knew him, I can’t believe after 27 years he’s turned into a liar, a cheat and a thief. I just wish I could detach and stop loving him and stop thinking of them together. I don’t want them to be happy after the pain and anguish he has put me, the children and grandchildren through. I get triggers too, seeing a car like his, memories, supermarkets as we shopped together, these all cause distress and tears. I pray everyday for the thoughts and images of them together to stop and for the day when I don’t care where they are or what they are doing. He kept telling me it was all my fault. I also think she’s laughing at me yet I’m in such emotional pain. Thankyou so much Rosa take care xx

        1. Dear Carol,
          it maybe a weak help but when you are imagining your husband together with the other woman, please think this way, she is with the bad side of him. Carol he is NOT the same person you loved. I have exactly the same feelings as you do my dear! I have pain when I go to the store where we once went together, I go still in panic when I go out with friends to drink a coffee at the bar. Too many pairs together and when I hear the music and songs of love I still want to scream, and cry out loud please turn off the music. Carol how I understand your pain . I used to have panic finding myself going shopping alone. I felt no sense in nothing. I used to hate the sun when it shone so bright and life was pulsing out side because I was dying inside. But give time to your grief, as I gave time to mine. Believe me dear Carol the healing is already working in you. One day you’ll realize the wrongs he has done to you and anger sets in. You realize that just one tear you shed for him was one too much! Strength will start rising in you and pride into your beautiful true heart. You realize it is the brokeness inside him. He did not want to face his own pain. A man who betrays his family is a man that is running away from himself. He cannot face the emotional pain he is going through, he is running away from who HE is and NOT from you. He cannot own his problems and stand to them. The women is a way of escape for him. But at the end his dark side will always come out again…. and guess what he will do???? Yes Carol he will do the same to her or she will do it to him! They are running away from themselves! My beautiful son of now 18 says, mum behind dads head, the truth is leaving him no peace…. he knows what he is doing is wrong but thinks he has got it right blaming it all on you. But blaming others will not help him because the pain he has done will turn on him…. Once dad realizes that it’s him not you he will fall so hard……WOW! that’s so true! . it will happen Carol to all those who uses us as their scapegoat …. it cannot work…… be strong and good to your self. One day you will be flying so high… higher than betrayals, lies and pain. You will be stronger and more beautiful than ever…. Be blessed!

          1. Dearest Rosa, you are so very kind to help me and I’m so grateful. Everything you say makes perfect sense. I just so wish the tearswould stop as he’s not worth it. Its difficult to cope with the betrayal and rejection especially for someone like her Rosa. I do get angry sometimes but nowhere near enough yet, if I could get angry I think I could cope a bit better. Like you I put my heart and soul into the marriage and we get put on this journey that we didn’t choose. How they can just throw us aside like trash I can’t come to terms with. I’m trying to do what you suggest when the thoughts of them come in, I do hope I can do it. Your Son sounds amazing and knows exactly how it will be for your ex. At times I think I will be ok then wham like you say I will get a trigger, it maybe a song, a TV program or a photo, or more commonly thoughts and images of them together and I sob like a child. Bless your heart for being there Rosa, everyone on here is amazing xx

        2. Hey Carol. Another mile stone to get through….sad, but those feelings will ease. Listen, going through these emotions your feelings are setting you up to heal, and love without any baggage in the future. All the women here know full well, that ache that stops you eating, keeps you thinking and fills your body with anxiety that at times feels unbearable.
          But what the OW is left with is that angry, disillusioned twat of a man who hasn’t Learned anything and will continue to make the same relationship mistakes.
          I still have days when I want to rip his heart out, but then I think to myself, why the hell am I bothering wasting my time on him.
          This man who tries to undermine me at every given opportunity. Keeping my son sweet, buying the wardrobe that me and my daughter were going to get….well, if he wants to do it, I’m not going to stand in his way. It just shows me how sad, desperate and pathetic he is.
          He did say mum can give me half the money…he will be waiting a long time. His decision,not mine….the biggest thing is, these men who seeem to be popping up everywhere still have their thoughts at the end of the day. I’m guessing at some point they wonder what the hell did they start. Oh and that woman who gladly cheated with them, will start to look tarnished very soon…..trust is a big thing, but between the two of them, their lives will be one long headache of accusions, distrust,and crappy lies….I’m glad I’m not part of that. And so should each and every one of you. I say you can’t wrap a piece of turd in a bow and call it a present….at the end of the day it’s still a 💩…..hahahugs xxx

          1. Hi my dear Sasha, as usual you say the right things at the right tine like Rosa and JulieN have. I hate the roller coaster ride of emotions hun, I am having some angry periods but not enough. I just don’t know how to break the emotional attachment to him for good, does that just happen the longer we are apart? I’m not sure. I was thinking today that apart from the lying, cheating and stealing the man she’s stuck with is nearly 60, overweight, balding, can’t see a thing without glasses, has bad back and ears, is moody and can’t do a practical thing around the house so she’s not got the best. I do wonder if my children are right Sasha when they say he’s using her too just for a roof over his head since I refused to let him move back into the empty marital home. I just want him to be unhappy, its frustrating not knowing. As for your ex don’t give him money, he’s wicked too for what he’s out you all through, you are stringer than he thought, I so admire you. Definitely turds you are so right. Lots of love and hugs, thankyou xxx

  94. Hi all

    I’m posting because I’m hoping that it will help me process my thoughts. I had my first court hearing this week for my divorce. It has been a tough week as a result. The hearing made it real for me I think and I realised that my husband who I’ve loved for 23 years really does not love me anymore. He has left me for an alcoholic, narcissistic, sex addict who is after his money. He’s gone and come back several times and I think that I was harbouring some hope that he would come to his senses and come back again but he is so utterly under her control now. He believes he’s found the love of his life and that the utter destruction of my life and his childrens’ is acceptable collateral damage. He doesn’t feel any remorse at all and show’s no sense of having been the bad guy or owing me anything. If anything, he is the opposite, I am a fly in the ointment standing between him and his new life. I am the one who is unreasonably wanting some of his money and I am the one who unreasonably will not let her children go whenever it suits him. He has successfully eradicated all feelings for me in a heartbeat. 9 months in since he told the children and left, I am still an utter mess; how do you accept it and move on? How do you suck up the financial loss, the loss of your married dreams, the loneliness, the reality of giving your kids up frequently etc etc etc etc. I don’t want any of that, I didn’t ask for it and I didn’t do anything to deserve it. Like all of you!

  95. Wow, I am in the exact same boat.
    My ex-boyfriend and I have been together a little over 4 years (nothing compared to a 20 or 30-year marriage), but I honestly thought he was the person I could spend the rest of my life with. (Then again, I’m only 31 – I have a lot more people to meet). We were best friends, we never fought, we made eachother laugh daily. We couldn’t get enough of one another. We had just moved in together (thank goodness we signed a short lease), we were both excited to take our relationship to the next level.
    This was the first person that I gave 100% of my trust to. That’s right, 100%. I trusted him completely which was very refreshing because it’s hard for me to completely trust people sometimes. But I loved the fact that he had his own friends, co-workers, and plans. I thought it was healthy that we could sometimes go do our own things. And we would always come home happy to see eachother.
    Well about a month ago, I saw some texts from him and his co-worker (I have never been a snooper, so I got mad at myself that I felt the need to do so). I saw dirty texts from them and plans for a future get-together. She said that their last “meet-up” was so awesome and she can’t wait to kiss and touch him again…… and I LOST it!!!!
    This other woman is married by the way…..
    At first, we were going to try to work things out. We had plans to see a couple’s counselor, he was transferring job locations so he wouldn’t be working with her, he was cutting all ties with her (at least that’s what I thought). A couple weeks ago, I decided to end things with him. Not necessarily because of the affair but because it was kind of a wake-up call that maybe we both aren’t happy in this relationship anymore. I think we were simply growing apart and evolving into different people.
    Well, last night he told me he wanted to be completely honest with me…… he told me that this was not a one-time thing with this person. That it was a build-up of months and months of flirting, kissing, and getting close emotionally before anything physical took place. Not only that but he told me that he’s starting to get feelings for her but knows they can never be together because she is married. He says he still loves me but is starting to feel close to this other person
    What a load of crap!!!!!!!!
    How in the world can you fall in love with someone who’s unavailable?!?!?! What goes through your sick head to believe it’s okay to get emotionally involved with someone who’s married?!?!?! Especially when you have a dedicated girlfriend waiting at home for you?!?!?! That type of sh*t would NEVER cross my mind.
    I’ve always been a fairly confident person but this has crushed me to the core. My ego is broken, my confidence ruined. The first person I gave all my trust to completely smashed it into pieces. I keep asking myself, “what does she have that I don’t?” and “why can someone else make him happy when I can’t?” and “what’s wrong with me?”
    Thank goodness we don’t have children, a mortgage, or any other shared assets. Thank God my ex doesn’t have facebook or the fact that I’ve never seen or met this “other woman”. I have no idea what she looks like and I don’t think I want to know. I don’t think I could handle seeing them together or seeing pictures of her or anything. That will make getting over this slightly easier. But it doesn’t take the pain away of feeling like I’m completely replaceable. That’s a horrible feeling.
    I really do hope he finds happiness (whether it’s with his married mistress or someone else – I think he’s got a lot of serious self-esteem and confidence issues), but I’ve decided that instead of trying to salvage even just a friendship with this person, I need to cut any and all ties once he gets his stuff out of the apartment. I’m planning on seeing a therapist, moving to a new apartment, and joining some clubs to meet people. I know the steps to take to get my life back on track.
    The only thing I don’t know how to deal with is I’m worried that I’ll never be able to trust anyone again (at least not all my trust). I gave 100% of my trust to this person and look where that got me…. I don’t want the actions of my ex to ruin any potential for a future relationship I might have. I don’t think you can have a good relationship without trust. I’m worried that he’s ruined that for me. I need help.

    1. Hi Jennifer. So sad to hear what your going through. Regardless of how long you e been together ,love is love. I think your doing the right things. I’m seeing a therapist and god,has it helped. Your going no contact, removing anything that concerns your ex, and going out and meeting new people. Bravo,Hun, your on the right path. And regardless if you decided it was the end ( pretty much the same as me) it still hurts to find out that the one person who you trusted has deceived you in the worst way. Listen Jennifer, this is all about him,so let him own the crappy title. Deceitful, liar. Lacks self esteem ,confidence…..now when I think of my ex with all those wonderful qualities (haha) I thank my lucky stars I don’t have to put up with his crap anymore. And you should thank your lucky stars. Your therapist will help you with those negative feelings,but look at it this way…..you definitely won’t go for a man like that again. You’ll see the signs before you dive in….I am far from ready to date again, I’m still finding out and working out things…but I’m excited that the man I fall in love with, will be well worth the wait,and I will be a very good place…emotionally!
      My role at the moment is to help my daughter who is suffering,something she can thank her daddy for….anyway Jennifer, we are a positive,supportive community here,so always here to chat. You will get through this,rise from the proverbial flames,and come through the other end stronger,wiser and thankful. It’s a journey….hugs x

  96. Hi Sasha, thankyiu sweetheart, yes it was a good feeling, it could cost him about a thousand pounds I think as its only the petition I think he’s been ordered to pay but he won’t be happy and its a victory. I know he will appeal it and fight to the death but even that will cost him. I’m hoping it gives hope for the court case in full regarding spouse maintenance and pension, it may worry him. You are a great Mum Sasha and indeed you are the only one you’re dear daughter can trust thanks to his actions. These men deserve to be alone, they chose this we didn’t. Ironically mine used to say to me I know I can cope better on my own than you can!! Yet he made sure he had someone to go too as he can’t cope alone yet I’m alone. Take care love, hugs to you and your daughter xx

  97. Hi Sasha, always love it when you post as you boost me up. Yes these men don’t know how to love the only people they love are themselves. I’m sorry he still has to be in your life, he is a crap father and I hope he realises what he has lost in you and your lovely daughter. I’m so going yo try on the attachment. I had a little bit of karma today, not a lot but a bit. I had a letter from my solicitor today saying that the district judge has granted my decree nisi on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour, in that unreasonable behaviour box my solicitor had written about the cheating and financial things he’d done. Well the karma bit is that the judge has made an order that my ex pays the divorce fee himself not half and half like he wanted, this even though I applied for the divorce!!! He will be very angry when he reads that plus the letter he will be getting requesting evidence for all the lies he’s told on his disclosure, which of course he doesn’t have. I’m a bit more hopeful that if this judge saw through him after just reading the basic information then when I self represent in court and his lies and deceit come out then I may stand a chance of getting some financial justice. Love and hugs Sasha and yo everyone here xx

      1. Hi Anika love, yes a small victory but still a victory I didn’t expect. He wanted us to go halves on the petition costs so he won’t be happy at all, he will fight but it will cost him to appeal I think. Hope you’re OK, hugs to you xx

    1. Hey Carol….I’m fist pumping the air for you. Karma is a b**ch isn’t it. I think your ex is stuck in the 70s if he thinks he can get away with his lies. Long gone are the days when men were believed over women in the courtroom, just because they were men!
      And he’s had to pay all the court costs so double fist pump!
      I think these men’s brains are in their pants, cause they certainly don’t think logically. I’ve come to the realisation that my ex will never change with his shi@@y parenting, so I just have to remain the calm in the storm. Throwing money at my daughter and excessive calling is merely pushing her further and further away. She has now been diagnosed with separation anxiety . I have to be careful that I’m not too far away, otherwise she gets scared. It’s so blooming sad. My therapist said this is because I’m the only parent she truly trusts,and unfortunately given time she will totally detatch from him, unless he starts being the parent she needs…..the man hasn’t a clue what he’s done,and I’m in the thinking that I will deal with this together with my daughter to get her through it. I know I can’t depend on him. He’s already filled her head with so much crap already.
      I fear he will have no one in his later years ,and that saddens me, because he’s done it himself.
      Anyway Carol, now you are getting confirmation that karma exists, and long may it continue ..hugs to you and all the people here, getting through the day.

  98. My husband left me last Friday without warning. He moved to Portland, OR to be with a female coworker who moved there, WITH HER BOYFRIEND, for school. She’s 23, my husband is 40. Not only did he destroy our marriage, he sabotaged her relationship as well. What’s worse is he left our 5 year old son here with me without money, food or transportation. I feel like a failure. I’m sad all of the time. I’m stuck in our marital home. He started projects around the house that he didn’t finish. I’m just not sure how to get through this.

  99. Well I’m so low today, sobbing my heart out. I had a letter from my solicitor saying that she’s not even sure if I should represent myself in court despite all the lues he’s told on his form e and the evidence I have to prove it all. He smirked at me in July and said you won’t get a penny from me as I’ll say I have nothing, now he has two incomes and I’m on disability. After 27 years I deserve maintenance and pension and the money back he stole. I still want to do ut myself as at least I will have tried. Why do they get away with everything, they are so cruel. I’m lost and broken yet hes still kicking me. I’m heartbroken, where is the justice its so unfair x

  100. Hi ladies. I want to talk about the effects cheating has on the kids. My beautiful daughter has been suffering with anxiety which has now manifested into panic attacks. I’ve been watching closely and have identified it’s due to daddy constantly ringing her, constantly asking if she still loves him, constantly wanting to know what’s going on at home. The poor girl can’t breath. While he was away, her anxiety eased. The man is devoid of emotional well being. It’s all about him. I cradled my teen Wednesday night and we really talked and were truthful with each other. She hates I don’t talk to dad, she hates that her dad has lied,manipulated and generally given her the view that he’s not the man she thought he was. He’s minimised her having counselling,told her not to tell his parents….I wonder why!
    I’m in contact with school, her counsellor and have texted her dad to say back off, support her and try to stop questioning her …I wanted to rip his head off, but you can’t . I want to let his parents know ,but I doubt they would listen. I mean they haven’t been to the house since we split. The only time they see their only grand child is if he takes her..so every six weeks or so. They live two minutes away!
    What I’m learning is I have to be the better parent. I have to nurture, love, discipline,champion,cradle,talk,and be the voice of reason. My god, it’s hard, but she is the one thing in my life I want to get right. If I could take it away I would. I hope in time he truly understands the crap he has caused. I also truly hope he doesn’t loose the father,daughter relationship…. I’m not sure!

    1. Sasha darling, its so difficult, these men are total scumbags to not only abandon their families but to try to minimize the carnage they leave behind and the emotional damage to us and our dear children. I can never understand the mentality of people like that. I’m truly sorry that your darling daughter has been so affected by him, you are an amazing mum and I’m so glad as is she I’m sure that she has one decent stable parent in her life. The disappointment she feels in her father must be immense and he must take on board how his behaviour has affected her psychologically.

      They also can have us at each other, me and my eldest, she’s 38 had major words yesterday, she and her brothers are so angry at him but she shouted at me yesterday saying I’ve got to let it go, get angry and move on, she said if she was left she’d just get in with it and going online and talking to people about it will not help but stop healing. I told her all I wanted was a bit of comfort because for some reason I’d thought of my ex and his trollop as a couple, it may sound silly but I’d never thought in that context before as we were the couple, now they are, it distressed me and I was in floods, my daughter couldn’t understand, she said its nothing flipping new, you know there together so why’s this upsetting you. I couldn’t answer as I just don’t know why, I hate to think of him with someone else, I wish I knew how you all deal with that.

      Sasha, you’re daughter couldn’t ask for a better mum, she knows exactly what her dad has done and how he’s behaved and he’s a big disappointment to her which is hard to bear as like we do with our husband the children too out them on a pedestal. Thinking of you both, lots of love and hugs xxx

    2. Since our break up my eldest daughter developed OCD. I know ocd is due to genetic factors but she’d never had that before.so I think it was triggered by her crappy father’s actions. She was happy child, full of joy. My girl was looking forward to going for the family holiday last summer till the day she found out that daddy wasn’t going with us. She loves him dearly and there was a time she felt guilty because of that. I explained that he is still her father, he loves her more than anything and nothing will ever change it. It was obviously big fat lie because he loves himself the most and his happiness is more important than happiness of his own children. He is showering them with presents, this is his method of parenting, he thinks he can buy anything with money, even love. Ohh I so hate him for that…!
      I’m trying to do everything to make her happy child again and I hope i will be successful. My kids are my priority, that’s the difference between me and him.
      Sasha hugs to you and your beautiful daughter. fingers crossed she will fully recover from that.

      1. Thankyou carol and Anika. Walked to the car this morning and the ex was waiting with my son. Asked lots of questions,and it took me all my strength to answer cordially. Never in my wildest dreams did I think my ex could be such a professional twat! He has torn his daughters heart out, destroyed her teen years, destroyed her trust in him, and generally been so selfish, it’s untrue. And still he thinks I want to talk to him. Sat in his car trying to converse about anything and nothing. Asking if I will let him know what the doctor says ….but do you know what? He had no effect on me. I saw a stranger. No flutter of the heart, no yearning, absolutely nothing! Amazing that like your ex Anika, buys her everything she wants, gives her a generous monthly allowance,and thinks that’s parenting, fu@@ the feelings part,or th3 wellbeing of your child….

        1. Hi sweetheart,
          He has no concept of what he’s done does he, like the rest of them evil idiots. You were amazing Sasha, I can’t wait to get to where I feel nothing instead of all this pain bless your heart love, hugs to you xxx

          1. Morning Carol. I hope today is a better one for you. Carol, everything you are going through is a path,to where you need to be. If all of us were honest, the biggest thing that pisses us off, is that we feel sidetracked in the beginning. Blinded by the ultimate betrayal, by a man we thought we knew. Carol, if you had never met your husband but knew him in passing,and heard how he’d behaved,you wouldn’t go near him with a barge pole. You’d see him as a weak, pathetic lying cheat. Youve to feel sorry for these men, who selfishly think about only themselves. We may idealise our relationship with them, but when you get truthful with yourself, the cracks were there. Trying to work through things just doesn’t happen because either one or both can’t be bothered!
            When you take those rose tinted glasses off, then you get angry,work through that, then grieve ready to put it away in a box and start rebuilding your life. Now, if you think for one minute that he is having a dandy time, think again. Cause when the dust settles,and he sees you getting on with out him,he will wonder! He may not come back, you may not want him back, but I don’t believe god intended any of us to go though this, without an outcome that will better us as people.
            My therapist says to me after each session….. be kind to yourself, and do one positive thing a week. Some days it’s just getting through the day, others it’s going out with friends, last week was getting new flooring in the kitchen….the flooring I always wanted, the expensive flooring….that I worked for! Hell I felt accomplished, and proud!
            I’m forever changed. That woman who existed before we split, doesn’t exist. She’s long gone. Now, I’m stronger, and weaker, I’m happier,and sometimes sadder, I’m feeling my way through the nightmare and beating it hands down. Why? Because I know he got the raw end of the deal. He has no real family now, he’s a part time dad, he’s with the woman he cheated with, and will eventually look at her as the problem of all the chaos he created, he will mask his faults and sadness to his friends,he will hate you, he will miss you,he will blame you…..but ultimately he will realise he fu@@ed up and there is no going back. He will know people will be talking about him, he knows he will loose friends, he knows .
            All the pain your going through is partly you ruminating. Self inflicted! Stop doing it, and each morning think, today is about ME! Carol, concentrate on getting better, really try to make the effort,and stop and think how lucky you are to have your children, grandchildren,friends…..you are the most important person in all of this,and you CAN do it. Life is short,too short. Try not to waste it feeling miserable.hard I know, but at the end of the day only you can make that change. Always here to listen. Today you are the warrior who won’t take any more sh!t! Hugs xxxx

        2. Dear Sasha, thank you so much sweetheart. I needed your post today as always as yesterday I was in bits, I had a letter from my solicitor saying again it would be far too expensive to take him to court but she also said it may not even be worth me doing it myself despite me being able to prove all his lies, I have the documented evidence. She also said the stress may be too much plus of course I still owe her money as it is!! She has though compiled a letter asking him to provide evidence and documents which he won’t be able to do. God I sobbed like a baby at the thought of him and her getting away with it, they have two salaries coming in yet he stole all my money and left me on disability plus I remember him smirking at me saying I’ll not get a penny out of him as he will say he has got nothing. It makes me so upset and frustrated, where’s the bloody justice. I’m trying to get strong Sasha, sometimes I’m angry but not enough. My Son came yesterday and just hugged me and held me, he says they will help with forms etc so I can fight for what I’m due. He said he understands 27 years is a long time and the rejection and betrayal is painful but he said I’ll get there. I didn’t tell my son how scared I am of still having feelings for that monster and missing him because he’d think I’m mad, even I don’t get it. Did you Sasha really love your ex for a long time and did any of you lovely ladies out there love yours a lot, how do you lose that if breaking up wasn’t our choice, how does that missing them and loving them feeling go away? I so want it too as I could move forward much quicker. I used to be truly strong and confident until this. And why the hell am I jealous if that trollop. My head knows he’s a evil wicked man now yet its like I still remember when he was really nice and kind, I find it hard accepting she’s not getting the best of him while I’m getting the evil side. I’m so glad you are getting stronger Sasha and you got your flooring, you are my inspiration love, lots of hugs xxx

          1. Carol, how do you measure love? What I do know is any love I had for him has long gone. The person he is now is the stranger who happens to be the father to our daughter. And what a crap job he’s doing so far. I mean what prick knowingly causes so much crap,and still doesn’t take responsibility!
            I’ve wanted to scream today. Yet again, he’s doing the taxi service,so he gets to see out daughter. But, I have to let it happen, I have to hope that he isn’t talking rubbish to her. I also want my daughter to have that relationship,because they were very close before . Unfortunately he managed to f@@k that up big time,and that breaks my heart. Not for him, but her. I make excuses for him,and try and rationalise his behaviour because I’m trying to shield her from his bull!
            Love is earned,and if someone behaves the way our exes have, they definitely don’t deserve any of our love, sympathy or time. As long as my ex is being a half decent dad, then I just keep moving. Carol, detach,detach,detach. Hugs xxx

  101. Dear friends, why is everyday like flipping groundhog day? Everyone is helping me on this lovely blog, also by phone, in person or text but I’m letting everyone down as I still cry every single day over him. I can think I’m doing a bit better then wham a trigger. Yesterday it was because our old marital home has had an offer on it so that will be gone. Due to my health and him I’ve lost my career, my voluntary work, my marriage and my home it hurts so much. Today a friend text me to say don’t worry about that couple anymore, they aren’t worth it, well seeing the word couple triggered me as of course I know they are together I just hadn’t thought of it in that context before, they are a couple yet we used to be a couple, its overwhelmed me and hurts so much. How could he abandon me after 27 years and not look back for a second, he’s never said sorry, I know I could never have him back but it hurts that he never wanted too despite not being 100% sure he wants to be with her. My children are wonderful but say I must stop talking about him now but I’m living alone and flooded by thoughts of him and her. What am I doing wrong, why can’t I do this, I’m 57 years old yet have been crying out for my late parents today like a child xx

    1. Hi Carol, I too am 57 and married for 22 years. I am now divorcing due to my husband is now with the neighbor (a mutual friend). She happens to be 63 and he is 48. This has been going on since Sept and it is now Jan. All I feel is extreme anxiety. I cried a lot in the beginning great huge soul wrenching sobs. For some reason I stopped crying but my head is full of them but I put a mantra in my head @i can do this”. I say it to myself over and over. It helps with all the crap in my head. I am seeing a therapist and it’s really helping me. I really don’t have anyone else here. I plan on moving back where my family is as I really need them. I will really try to make a life for myself. I was having depression and started antidepressants so hopefully they will kick in soon. I just feel numb right now. I don’t know if it is a good thing or not. We’ll see. I have so much trouble seeing a future at my age. I am so scared. I have to start over from scratch as we don’t have a lot. I will get half the house which is paid for but living near my family will cost a pretty penny. It’s very expensive there. I have found if I take one day at a time instead of thinking of how I will make it in the future , there is less anxiety for me. I hate my husband for leaving me for a woman 15 years older that he is. She is 1 year younger than his birth mother (he was adopted). It’s just sick and wrong. I know I am 9 1/2 years older than my husband. Love does work in mysterious ways. 15 of our years together was a night mare and I have no clue why I stayed. He was a functioning drug addict. He quit and after only 3 years sober he left me after all I’ve been though for him. I had the house of my dreams the life I finally wanted and he leaves. All I can say is just WOW, life is cruel. I wish you the best Carol. It is so hard at our age seeing a future but it happens and hopefully will be bright for the both of us. Try to keep busy. Don’t stay at home. Get out. Visit friends. Pamper yourself. Find something different to do every single day. Make a list and do it. Love to all here

  102. Hi all

    So, my idiot husband has now sunk to new levels of disgustingness. It’s not enough that after 3 years of coming and going with my so called friend, he finally left leaving his 3 little girls distraught, set up home with her and her kids opposite my kids’ school and flounces around like daddy warbucks in love, he now claims his business is worth nothing. So, he thinks it’s fair that we should sell the house and he’ll take half, I will have to go get a full time job as I have the ability to earn as much as him and so my girls will lose their home and their mummy wont be around much either. How can he possibly think this is OK? Why would any man want to do this to his kids? Oh and by the way he’s living in a 5 bed beautiful house, takes around 150K a year from his business and is currently on his 8th holiday of the year. Nice! Solicitor says not to worry but how can you not?

    1. Spechless.. What an egomaniac! How do those people can look into the mirror without disgust? How it’s possible his happiness is more important than his own children, his flesh and his blood? My husband did the same thing, just moved to his gf soon after my discovery. He didn’t care that that time our little girl had really nasty infection, that I was in extreme distress. He didn’t call to ask how was she, nothing. why would he care? For these narcissistic men they’re gods. They feel they can cheat because they’re so so special. I don’t think there is a cure for that…
      Take care

      1. Dear Ladies, now its been 9 months and counting for me after I found out about my husband infidelity or should I say my ex as he didn’t treat me as his wife again. Divorce is still not in the agenda. He moved out 2 months ago. Living by himself but I knew the OW has his apartment keys and sleepover few times a week. Even though he still comes home almost everyday to see the our 3 daughters and still see me almost everyday too at work, he seems more distant from us. His mother is living with me. She is frustrated too. I try to be civil as he keeps saying that I can keep all the asset and he only receives monthly payroll from our company which Im doing the Finance. If I give him a hard time, I worry that he will finalise the divorce and he will take half of our asset. Sometimes I still feel devastated, sad and pity myself from not being able to let him go and why I still love him and want him back. Sometimes I feel so angry and thinking of not letting him come home freely. I have mix feeling towards this issue. Most of the time, I just try to calm my self, pray more, doing more golf by myself which usually I played with him.
        How should I outsmart his OW? I know she is after our assets. She made my ex blinded by her charms even tough he knew she cheated her husband few times before with him. It’s just crazy and it does not make any sense. I knew this from their texting and my husband confirmed this issue.
        If only we all live nearby, having able to meet you all virtually in this thread is already a blessing for me. Hugs

  103. I thank you for this information, 2 months ago I caught my husband of 13 years, having an affair. He travels considerably for work and has been working about 1100 miles from home on and off for 16 months, he apparently met a woman on n his hotel and began an affair, not his first although I forgave him, I’m so hurt he did this again, and he filed for divorce. I want to hate him, and parts of me do but I still miss him, and that makes me feel like a fool. He behaves very coldly torwards me when we speak, I don’t know this man at all. I can not wrap my brain around the fact my life has been turned upside down, I’m barley getting through the day, yet he is posting photos and raving about his “great life” with this new woman. I’m bursting into tears at the drop of a dime and I see no end in sight.

  104. Hi dear friends, someone asked me today if my ex had an exit affair as he detached from me a couple years ago and has turned so evil. She said he acted cowardly abandoning me after surgery, taking all the money, emotionally and financially abusing me then and now. She said maybe he doesn’t love this woman but wanted out as he said he couldn’t cope anymore and because in July he wanted to move back into our empty marital home for time and space to think, that he loved me, but that may not be enough, that he may come home he didn’t know. When I said he couldn’t move in there as it needed to be sold he got angry but went back to hers where he still is, I don’t even know if she knew of his plans. I’m going to have to take Jim to court to expose all his financial lies as I really need spouse maintenance and pension but I’m afraid he’s going to get angry when he gets the letter from my solicitor asking him to answers all my questions regarding the lies on his court document form E. He doesn’t know I can prove the lies but he says a judge will believe him when he says he has no money left each month. I’m just confused if it was an affair as he loves her or whether he’s using her too. Either way I want karma to hit them both do hard. Tonight I just sat here and sobbed like a baby at how he could rip my life apart for her, I hate her, why the hell do I miss this monster, my head knows what he’s done but my heart can’t catch up, everyone around me can see it, everyone here can see it. I want to stop loving him but don’t understand how that can happen. I get frustrated and angry with myself as I try everything, plus they are in my head so much still, my imagination of course runs riot, its all rosy and lovely in their relationship, I don’t know that, they could argue all the time but not in my mind. I’m so glad I can vent here. Thankyou so much xx

    1. Hi Carol, I truly believe the only way through it is to feel every emotion and cry if you have to. One day (hopefully soon) you will wake up and not cry anymore and it will get better day by day. I use to cry every day all day long and now I’m to the point where I go days without crying and I don’t think about him like I use to. I’m actually getting to where I really don’t care. I don’t want to hear about him or hear about what he’s up to. It just doesn’t matter. He’s not a part of my life anymore. Granted we still run the business together so I do talk to him maybe once or twice a week. Before that use to devastate me and I would try to keep him on the phone for as long as possible. Now I just talk about business and then say okay thanks so much. Give yourself time to heal. You will get there. Everyone is different but I do believe you have to mourn the loss of him like a death but you will get better. Hugs to you and everyone here

      1. Dear Misti,
        Thankyou so much for your kind words and help, I’m truly sorry you’ve been put through all this too. It comforts me to know things will get better, I just need to believe that, Sasha and Annika on here have been wonderful and patient with me too and now knowing you were crying all day everyday like me but now don’t gives me hope. I just miss him so much and hate her with a vengeance yet he did it all and didn’t have too. I can’t understand why I can have loving feelings for a man like that, no one around me knows why either. I hope you carry on getting stronger love. Thank you so much xx

    2. Hi carol. Your grieving for the relationship. It’s irelevant if it’s an exit affair. That’s something only time will tell. Stop demonising their relationship. It will do you no good. I totally u derstand how you hate her, but look at it another way. You have no idea what he’s told her about you. She has no moral compass,and she has to live with crap her and your husband have created. Now he may get mad when he finds out you have proof…tough!
      Now is the time to look after YOU only. Carol, your still here, I’m sure you’ve managed to laugh at certain times,throughout this….and your working through becoming that person who wants to be happy…and you will be.
      If you think they are loving the happy ever after,think again. He’s lost his family, his home, will soon be known as the man who thieved from his wife….I’d say, his life is far from perfect. Please stop ruminating,because you can’t change a thing.
      What you can do is CHOOSE your mood, it’s said, the pain from a break up lasts at most 20minutes…any longer then it’s self inflicted. You have to consciously stop. Keep doing it and in time it will become automatic.
      You are a wonderful woman who IS getting through this. I promise, that there will come a time when he doesn’t fill your thoughts…hugs hunni xxxx

      1. Dear Sasha, as usual you are the voice of reason I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I be strong like you and the other ladies here, my children want their Mum back and I’m letting them down. I feel like a weak failure as I want my head to see what a horrible man he’s turned into as its like I can’t accept it. Its the trauma of how he did it just abandoning me, sick and with no money and hasn’t bothered since, so cruel. I could never do that to anyone. I want to forger them so much and leave him behind but 27 years is so long. I don’t want to feel broken anymore I truly don’t. I’m so grateful to you and everyone here hugs to you xxx

  105. My heart is with you Patricia as I am in the same boat. My husband and I moved to this town 7 years ago. We have both worked hard and have two beautiful teenagers.
    Husband has always been very outgoing and makes friends easily. I like to keep to myself and life for me is all about my children, my home, my pets and my work. My husband told us – on Fathers Day, a fortnight ago, that he’s been seeing and sleeping with a work associate for the past three months. I am at a loss, absolutely shocked and let down. The children are devastated. He’s gone already and got a flat with her. I’ve been left alone, no family close by, no real friends, just me. Lonely and trying to navigate thru this with the kids just as heartbroken as me. It’s hell on earth and as optimistic and supportive I’m trying to be im scared. And very worried about our future. Financially and emotionally.

    1. The length of time together was 18 years. And it’s horrible to feel so disposed of and discarded after nearly two decades of putting him and everything he wanted and needed before myself. This really is the climax of a mans selfishness and ego.

  106. Carol I know what you feel and I can only imagine how hard it is for you after 27 years together( This year it was our 10th anniversary, together 14 years). I have two young kids to look after so I’m trying to be strong but I always feel down closer the weekend when I know he’ll come to visit children and he’ll behave like nothing ever happend. He looks offended when I’m cold and official towards him. He expect me “to behave” because he’s paying me quite good money ( recently he’s not doing this in regular spells so it will end soon I feel..) What I realised is that I do not love him anymore, in fact I detest him so much that I feel almost sick! Last weekend he didn’t come to see children, his phone was off and his mother had panicked that maybe something bad happened to him. I was dissapointed when he called back in the evening ( told me some bull***t excuse), it crossed my mind that I would prefer him to suffer or even be dead! Scary I know, but that make me think that I don’t care about him or love him. It is just the hurt I feel, the fact that he is enjoying his new life, being with 10 years younger woman..
    I envy Sasha that her ex is suffering with his trollop, that she has a satisfaction of knowing that. For me and you Carol is bad that “our” husbands so easily discarded us and they lead shamelessly happy lifestyle. I wish karma was real.
    I can’t say anything to comfort you darling but I wan’t you to know that I’m here thinking of you. Hugs to You, Sasha and other ladies here.xxx

    1. Annika, thank you so much sweetie for taking the trouble to help me it means a lot. It is such a heartbreaking journey to be on and we never chose it. I’m truly sorry you have been treated so badly too. No one deserves it. I know I definitely want things to go wrong with them but its not happening fast enough, he has loads of debt and she has three teenage children at home so that will drive him crazy after a while as he grumbled if our children and grandchildren were noisy or made a mess. I just need to find the strength to fight him in court. My head knows he’s a liar a cheat and a thief but my heart doesn’t seem able to accept it yet, it still seems to see the kind caring man he was. I can’t wait until I no longer miss him or have feelings for him. I hate her and want to hate him. I know what you mean about weekends, I used to love them as we went places together, now I detest them as memories flood in. My children and friends are great but they want nothing to do with him and can’t understand why I can’t be like them, and neither can I. I just wish I could fast forward time. Sasha here is an amazing lady as are you. I need to find the courage and strength you both have and other great people here have. Thankyou x

    2. Hey Anika, . I totally get your hate and anger, worry about the future because I’m still feeling all those things to a certain degree. We all feel it. I’m embarrassed,especially as I live in a small town where everyone thinks they know your business. This morning I painted my face, did my hair and went to do the weekly shop. One of my exes so called mates ( haha) was there and came up to me to talk. I still feel I need to project the happy image. He started to say something about my ex,and I stopped him mid sentence.I Said unfortunately I’m really not interest,and am in a rush. Lovely seeing you,then continued shopping. My wonderful friends who have stuck by me,know that I don’t need to hear every detail of what he’s doing. That is for my sanity,more than anything. BUT, I’m resolute in the fact that the man I spent so long with will never ever have the pleasure of my company in his lifetime again. I have never suffered fools,and other than having to discuss daughter issues I am really not interested. It’s been 18 months,and I have come to realise afew things….which you will too
      1- im worth more than he will ever know
      2- my life IS better without him in it
      3- I cannot control what he does / says
      4- I CAN control what I do / say
      5- he will forever be known as a liar, cheat,dickhead
      6- his child has no respect for him
      7-I am becoming the person I want to be
      8- the next man I fall in love with ,will be someone I can truly cherish,respect and love without fear
      9- I am doing things on my own
      10- the future is something to look forward to.

      As hard as it’s been I’ve continued to focus on my daughter and I. We are planning a long weekend in London half term. My friends are my rock, and even at 50, I’ve got my stuff going on! Haha. You, Carol and all the other wonderful ladies can and will get through this. I’ve still got some way to go, but do you know what? I will be damned if I let that twat dictate my moods. I will be damned if I give him my time, and him and his disfunctional family can go rot in hell where they belong. Our children need to see one parent showing them true morals, love,expectations and trust. Love to you and all the other wonderful ladies here. Kick ass! Xxx

      1. Sasha to the rescue, as usual ..! Sasha I really admire your strength, you’re such an inspirational woman. I woke up last night and couldn’t go back sleep and my head was full of worry then I thought about you how strong and positive person you are and my ”nightmare” was over. I thought if Sasha can do it, I do the same and I try to look on the bright sight of the whole mess. You are right we are better without these lying, selfish, narcissistic scumbags! I survived somehow last weekend, I saw him briefly, he didn’t even say ”Hi” for the first time, there was no small talk, nothing. He seemed to be angry with me, my daughter said that in the restaurant he was texting constantly to his tart and went outside to make a phone call. Wonder why? Anyway, I’m done with him and I’m not going to ”investigate” the reason of his unpleasant behaviour.
        I booked a holiday cottage with my friends for this half term in a lovely picturesque place, I want to show my children that they can have fun with mummy, show them that holiday without daddy can be exciting too.
        I’m certainly not ready for another man, truthly I don’t want to rely my happiness on another man. I try to be happy on my own and then we’ll see.. My priority is my family, my two lovable children and work. You’re telling the truth, we’re women with moral standards, we are worth more than they ever know and they will forever be known as dickheads. Big brava to you and lots of love to everybody here.Thanks for cheering me up Sasha!

        1. Hey Anika. Thankyou for your kind words, and bravo for getting through the weekend. I totally agree that we shouldn’t be with a man just for happiness,and you have the same views as me. I’m certain,y not ready yet to rush into a relationship,and that in itself will stand me in good stead. I certainly dont want to carry all the BS into the next relationship.
          What a fab idea to get away with the kids. I cherish my time with my daughter. We do far more together, and make far more wonderful memories. Other than take her on the annual BS boring holiday to the holiday home,my ex does bugger all with her. All he’s good for is throwing money at her. Some memory hey?
          My home is our haven and the changes I’ve made have made the place fresh and new. Not one sign of him ever living here haha. That really has been therapeutic. He really is becoming the dickhead stranger and the thought of him makes me cringe.
          I was with a client today,and she told me I was a beautiful person inside and out…now that’s worth more to me…I left with a spring in my step and validation that I’m a decent human being.
          Your doing great Anika, onwards and upwards. Wouldn’t it be great if we could all meet up,chat and laugh! Hugs for this week xxx

          1. Sasha you made my day yesterday! I’m so glad you’re doing so well and your positive energy attracts other people. I do feel so much better too. He is showing more and more his true colours and that makes me think I’m better without that asshole. I don’t want to waste my life.! I don’t regret I met him because I have two beautiful children and what we had few years back was the pure love. What he has now is dirty and soiled relationship based on lies and suffering of his family but it is his mess. What I have is a clear conscience and the fact that I can look into the mirror and think that I’m a decent woman just like you Sasha. I agree it would be fantastic to meet up sometimes in the future, Carol get better love!!.
            Carol you get over that too. You” let it bleed, let it hurt, let it heal and then let it go”. I hope that there will be the time when you become so tired of thinking about him and his nasty partner that you’ll just simply give up and leave it behind you.Sooner or later he will drown in his muddy water.
            I’m visiting also regularly another website for ”chumps” like us and it helps me tremendously. There are more of us everywhere. Keep fighting, you’ll get back up again.xxx

  107. Patricia, I’m so very sorry about what’s happened to you. Sasha here is amazing she’s helped me so many times. I was totally abandoned too after 27 years, he left me after major surgery and emptied all the bank accounts and took my own personal money. The children and grandchildren want nothing to do with him. He’s moved in with her which hurts so much. Like you I think of them together all the time. Please take Sashas advice on board she really knows, I just wish I had her strength but I’ve not got there yet. My heart goes out to you, hang on in there you don’t deserve this after so many years. Thinking of you xx

  108. Hi It is so nice to see that I’m not alone, because I am feeling very alone. My husbad of 40 yrs. told me 3 months ago he has been having an affair with his assistant at work for 2 years and left me to move in with her. I can’t believe the pain I feel. I thought something was going on with him, but I couldn’ prove anything as thier affair was going on during work hours. He was always home his usual time every night, but something was different. I think of them together all the time. I know I have to move on but it is very hard. I can’t discuss how I feel with my children as they are also in alot of pain and I don’t want to add anymore for them. My friends are also my husbands & he still sees them (the men) but it is hard to talk to our friends as I don’t want to put them in the middle of this mess. I am a strong person but it is very hard when you feel so alone. So far he has been reasonable financially , but I have no idea how long that will last. I retired about the same time as he started having his affair. Now I have no job, my family & friends live hours away, I sit in my empty house out in the country just thinking about them together and how he could give up his children ( they don’t talk to him anymore) grandchildren, home and a future we had planned for retirement for many years. I hate that he says he’s happy, when all I have is pain. It’s easy to say I have to move on but I don’t know how. The future is very scary right now for me. Again it is comforting that I am not the only women going through this.

    1. Hi Patricia. I’m so sorry your going through this. I think your still at the shocked stage and no doubt the time you were together was an absolute lifetime.
      I totally understand your scared of the future,like most of us here. What I would say is ,it’s early days for your husband. He may have been carrying on with the OW during office time, but it’s a whole other ballgame when they start to spend proper time together. That really is the testing time. My ex moved in with the OW almost immediately after splitting. Didnt take him long to realise she ain’t all that. The problem is he’s stuck with her now,cause he knows I don’t want his sorry ass back. Doesn’t mean I’m not struggling. My ex makes great money, pays half the mortgage and child maintenance ( we weren’t married although together over twenty years). However he moaned forever about the amount he pays . I was just too smart for him and photocopied everything. Bank accounts, work accounts….I had to safeguard my daughter some how.
      I hope your husband continues to treat you the right way, but if it were me I’d start snooping, and get to grips with all things financial. Take each day as it comes, cry, get angry, but I would leave him to it. I’m pretty sure at some point he will throw some crumbs to see where the land lies…they always do. Try and get out with friends, don’t sit in the house, cause that will drive you mad. Be kind to yourself hun we are all here with support. Hugs xx

      1. Thanks Sasha I have already been printing financal things. I also found a hidden account that he has and has had for a few years, printed that information. I know he can change the way he is treating me anytime, so I am trying to protect myself as best I can.
        I am seeing family & friends as much as possible for company. I have decided to join a gym, hopefully it will give my mind a break.
        I hope it will get easier.
        So sorry you are also going through this.
        Take care of yourself, chin up.
        Hugs

    2. Patricia
      It has only been a few days since I found out about my husband and his girlfriend. I am 68 years old today. He is 70. We have been together 17 years. And, today is my birthday. I planned a trip for his 70th birthday and I discovered the relationship on the second day of the trip.

      My first marriage lasted 24 years and ended with a two year affair (for him). I did survive through all of that. This time is different for me. We are older and we were going to be together until the end of our lives. Of course, I’m still in shock and I miss him and love him.

      During my first divorce, I decided that I didn’t want any facts or details about the other person. It was a wise decision. The less you know, the less you hurt. I feel the same way this time. I don’t want to know anything about the person or situation.

      I’m trying to NOT SIT in denial. I know that it is over, but of course, I don’t want it to be happening. I’m not sure that I will be able to support myself (really, it’s not a guess). It is difficult to see him move on in such a happy way. I do not care if he ever has any regrets — most men don’t. It will and does seem like he has all the choices. Eventually, you will find the will and strength to make your own choices.

      if you are younger (I was 43), you have a lifetime ahead of you. I know in my heart that I will always be alone. My best friend just called me. She is the first friend I have talked to. I’m not sure it helped to talk to her, but I did.

      I will pray for you, Patricia. Try not to dwell on the other person. You can get through this with your integrity in intact. Be kind to yourself.

      1. Ellen,

        you are not alone, God is with you. May his blessings and peace overflow you. We are living in such hard times where it seems that evil is trying to take over everything. Those who cheat are the ones who have decided to deny them selves. They give up all that is honourable and good for nothing but short pleasures . I have learnt that those who do this have lost a good heart and have cold water running through their veins. To all those beautiful woman out there who are going through this please remember this, your hearts are still beating with truth and honesty…. persons who cheat…. decide to lose it….they have long lost a good heart and the worst pain they are causing is not on you…. but on them selves. Hugs to you!

  109. Hi dear friends, well I thought I was doing a bit better, now I found out he hasn’t paid the mortgage or secured loan since pay even at the reduced rate they allowed. His solicitor kept saying I held up the sale and causing the arrears but its actually him doing it!!! He said on his financial disclosure he’s paying £800 mth but he’s paying nothing, no utilities either because he’s with her. He’s take home pay after all tax deductions is £550 a week, maybe more yet he says he can’t live. Its so upsetting that he lies all the time. A few days ago my therapist and gp pointed out to me that over the last three or four years I have been psychologically, emotionally and financially abused, my whole career was in medical and mental health yet I never realised, I feel so ashamed, I didn’t even know it was happening to me. I’m still crying everyday, the strength I want hasn’t arrived yet, can any if you lovely people tell me how to cope with them living together, I try to distract myself but I keep picturing them playing happy families in her home like he did for 27 years in ours. How can he just walk away and feel nothing, leave me alone and leave the children grandchildren and friends for someone he says he likes but doesn’t know if he loves, he said she’s worth losing everyone for but doesn’t know why no one will speak to him!! I feel rejected, broken and for some reason jealous of her even yet I know he’s now a monster and so cruel so why can’t I detach. Its five mths since he left eight weeks no contact yet I’m thinking of them all the time . Any help would be so welcome x

    1. Hi Carol.im so sorry you are going through this. He’s playing a very dangerous game isn’t he.?
      I realise you have limited funds, but can’t family help you fight his lies,and what is your solicitor doing.?
      It’s never ending BS,but all he has is his trollop,and mark my words his life will be extremely stressful. Continue NC,and give your solicitor a kick up the ass.
      I’m so pleased your seeing a therapist. It’s really resonated with me because my last session, my therapist said my partner was controlling. I’d never thought of it, but he always needed to know where i was, she said it was a form of domestic abuse. Now I think back ,she’s so right. He did it in a way that was very clever…..
      Carol, stop thinking of them. He’s pissed because everyone knows he’s a deceitful twat,and everyone knows he’s treated you very badly. He has to justify what he’s done and make you out to the baddy. It’s often the case I’m afraid.
      Carol, please start seeing him for what he is. A weak arsehole of a man. Where’s your fight girl, why aren’t you fighting to regain your life,that can be oh so great without him. You knew you wouldn’t get anything from the house,so let that go. BUT fight for spousal maintenance what ever way you can.
      I know my ex hates sending the maintenance every month,he hates I don’t speak, he hates I’m working and getting on with things,and most of all he hates that I don’t want him. He’s stuck with the ugly old trollop who shags other men behind his back,and I could blow his sad life apart, but I’m so done and realise he deserves his living hell….. I don’t need to say anything,because I don’t want him. His daughter sees a man who is desperate to change things but knows he cant,and says she doesn’t want us to get back together anyway.
      Keep going hun, try and dig deep,and work on getting better..look after you! Hugs xxx

      1. Oh dear Sasha, you are wonderful, always here when I need some help and a boost to move forward. He’s been making life hell love, despite no contact he’s financially trying to lie his way out of everything. Family and friends have helped me financially but my solicitor said she is happy to write him a letter asking questions and showing him and his solicitor that I have evidence for it all. Obviously he doesnt realise I have this and won’t be able to back his lies up. Plus now I’ve got statements on the way from the mortgage and secured loan companies which will show he’s not even paid the reduce rate since May!!! Yet on his form he’s saying he’s paying £800 a month. Hes paying nothing our yet saying he’s not got a penny left. My solicitor is giving him 14 days to respond and on the letter stating that she’s going to say if he doesnt then its going to court. I will fight Sasha, 27 years I devoted to him and worked most of it, he stole my money. I have the forms to apply myself and my solicitor said she will help in the background which will be much cheaper. Court will frighten him as he’s never been a brave man, hates confrontation. I’m hoping the marital home will sell soon as its had lots of interest, of course I scuppered his plans to move back in there, I still don’t know why he was going to as he just said he needs time and space to think so he’s still at hers. My Daughter said he’s stuck therw even if he doesn’t want to be as he’s nowhere else to go, the trollop is herself going through a divorce and has two teenage sons and a teenage daughter at home so that should be fun especially as he always moaned about the mess and noise our children and grandchildren made. I’m trying hard not to think of them together. I’ve written down all the awful things hes done and remember him saying she was worth losing everything for despite him not knowing if he even loves her!!! These people are disgusting. Like you I didn’t pick up on how I was being treated. I hope you and your darling Daughter are doing well. I so admire you. Thankyou for everything love xx

        1. Hey Carol, that’s it, you make sure you show him out to be the liar he is. Hunny, I admire your determination,and I think you will be fine. My therapist said it can take several years to get through such deception and betrayal. Sod that haha. I’m 18 months along, still wake up panicking about my future, but the saving grace is I don’t have the ex . Trollop is oh so welcome to him,his lies,his laziness and he is welcome to a woman who has no class. I do sometimes wonder if he ever looks at her and thinks I gave up everything for you and it was the worst decision I’ve made. He knows he will never ever be in my life again, I made that perfectly clear,but I do miss the man I thought he was….unfortunately he doesn’t exist. All these men are pathetic,weak,manipulating excuses….Carol, my therapist said to me I should do counselling,something I’m looking in to. God, if I can get through this BS, I know I can get through anything. Got chatted up the other day,and damn it felt good. He asked if I fancied going for a drink, but I’m not ready yet.
          Hunni, wouldn’t it be great if we could catch up over coffee…I live in the West Midlands ….not sure where you are….anyway, stay strong and never give up on what you deserve. Hugs hun xxx

          1. Hi Sasha, sweetheart you would make a great Counsellor no doubt about it. You help all of us here so much despite going through this yourself. I’d love to meet up sometime, I’m in Somerset love. I’m trying to get stronger and I’m definitely going to show how much he’s lied on his court financial disclosure form. He doesn’t know I have the evidence that I do. I still have trouble accepting he’s living with trollop, why am I now getting his evil side while she’s getting the nice caring side. I think I put him on a pedestal for some reason and I’m struggling knocking him off. I know I have too hun. I got very upset this morning as I don’t yet know how to cope with triggers. I went to the town we used to live to meet a friend for a coffee, as it was early I didn’t think for a minute I’d see him. Well I parked up then about 20 yards in front of me I realised it was his car. I sat in mine as I somehow froze, for some reason I even shook, then he came out the barbers, got in his car and drove off, he didn’t see me. He didn’t look happy but not sad either, I only saw him for two minutes yet I sobbed like a child, I hated he was just carrying on like he hadn’t abandoned me or his family. That he was going back to her, my head knows he’s a liar, a cheat and s thief so why doesn’t the anger and hate I hold for her come for him yet? Its like I still miss him but he’s a monster Sasha. I need these emotions to go away, I so want to see him and feel nothing but is that possible after 27 years of loving someone. I hope you and your gorgeous Daughter are doing well. How great too that you were chatted up, I’m glad it made you feel good, you deserve it, uour ex is an idiot, didn’t realise what a good lovely person he had. Thankyou as always, take care xx

  110. Well I’m devastated, as well as lying all through his form E I’m now stuck. I saw my solicitor today and gave her the evidence to prove he’s lied. She said she can see how much he’s lied but it would cost me thousands to take him to court to prove it as I may get little in return. I broke down as after 27 years I feel I deserve spouse maintenance and pension, he’s living with her and she works. He’s lied, cheated and stole all the money. She said she will put together a letter with all my questions and queries and send it to his solicitor giving him 14 days to respond or a form A will go off to the court. My only option she said is to take him to court myself but I’m scared too as I will be alone there while he will have his solicitor. My solicitor said she will help in the background so it doesn’t cost nowhere near as much. I still can’t believe he’s done all this to me and still is being so cruel. I even still have feelings for him, this scares me everyday as I so want to fall out of love with him, is that possible after nearly 30 years he’s all I’ve known. I even feel jealous of her, non of these awful emotions make sense. Any help would be so appreciated. Thankyou

    1. Hey Carol, how the hell is he affording a solicitor if he has no money? Or is the OW paying?
      What exactly is your solicitor doing? Has she given an indication of wether you could get maintenance out of him. I know your health isn’t good,so you have to ask yourself if it’s worth it.
      I totally get the pain you hold, but you need to start thinking of you. Carol why would you want that piece of s*** back? Would you ever trust him again ?
      How much do you value yourself?
      Listen, carol you will have good days,sh@@ days ,great days, bad days….only you can decide what attitude you will have for that day. Yes it’s hard and god it can be soul destroying,but come on girl change your mindset.!
      I completely hate my ex with every bone in my body, but do you know what, I told my therapist last Thursday,that I wanted to stop feeling like that….it doesn’t effect him, just me! She told me to start grieving for the relationship we had wether that was good or bad…..and that’s something I haven’t done. For me, it’s the end,to a better life. I love that he fathered my child, he was always a good provider, but hey, he has also cheated,lied,manipulated…..that is who he is,can’t change it. Like my therapist said, all his actions lead her to one conclusion,that even he knows he’s fu@&ed up, and wants to come back…unfortunately he also knows I’m not interested. I’m so over the BS,and I truly think all of us will be a million times better off I’m so positive the man who will truly cherish me,is winging his way into my life……for the time being, I’m working on me, So tomorrow I want you to do something nice for you….paint your nails,put your slap on, ring a friend……we all love you, and you are special….hugs xxx

      1. Sasha darling you always come to my rescue at the right time and I’m so glad you do. I think he’s paying for a solicitor with the £7000 he took from me!!! Mine thinks I could get money from him as he’s bringing home over £2000 a month and thankfully I can prove many of the things he’s lied about but she’s worried about the costs for me if I have to pay her for it. She is going to do a letter asking all the questions I want answered, he won’t be able to answer them, well not honestly anyway, she’s giving him 14 days to reply and stating if he doesn’t a form A will be sent to the court. The letter will also make his solicitor realise he’s lied to her several times and she signed off the form E on his behalf so I don’t think she will be pleased. I need the strong Carol to come back, my eldest son said today please don’t cry anymore its time to be a badass now and fight for what’s yours. I will fight, if I have to represent myself I will but its tough with all these emotions. I just remember him laughing at me saying you won’t get a penny from me as I’ll lie and say I’ve got nothing. I don’t think liars and cheats should prosper. My solicitor did say she’d help me in the background and thst won’t cost too much. Your therapist sounds good, I hope your dear Daughter and Son are doing well. Sounds like you’re ex is getting karma I so want thst for him and his trollop. I also want to hate him like you do yours. I need to get them out of my head, my days will be so much better then. Loads of love Sasha, you’re amazing xxx

  111. My husband had an affair and I found out. At the time I knew my marriage was in trouble but we just kept doing everyday life kids, work, etc. My boys were 17 and 14 at the time very involved in baseball so I spent a lot of my time doing that. He started a new trucking job that would take him on the road, as I look back I see this was the beginning of an easy way to get away. One Sunday he went for a run and something inside said look in his truck. In the cab of his truck I saw a bag of tras with Xmas wrapping paper which I knew wasn’t mine. I looked through the the trash and found the tag that said To Bill Love Cheryl. Along with an empty box of KY jelly. My heart sank. He was leaving that night for his job and would be gone all week. I didn’t say anything when he got home from his run, Injust wanted to watch his actions. That week I did a lot of a lot of investigating. I found a Chery on his Facebook page found jewelry purchases on his bank acct. when he came home the end of the week I said we need to talk. We did I asked him Bill is there someone else 2x and he denied it and said when do I have the time really… At that point I took out the wrapping and said really who is Cheryl. He sat there stunned and said I’m sorry. I cried and said take me home. He said to me I’m sorry She is an old friend he dated I said really we have been together 28 yrs before me was my stepsons mom they were never married. She was before that so over 30 yrs ago and he was in his early 20’S then. Fast forward for almost a yr I thought we were working it out but t times I knew something was wrong I would asked and he say Intalked to her or she stopped at my work. He blames a lot of his issues on his childhood instead of taking accountability and I believe him everyone said these the excuse. I wouldn’t see it. I found the wrapping in Jan 2017 by Oct I thought we were moving forward. Backup… We tried counseling but he didn’t like the man so a friend suggested to me you can’t fix your marriage until your husband fixes himself, his sexual abuse a a child. You can sit back and be patient and in the end it may not work out which I did, but my husband would give me huge false hopes and I believed it would work. Then in Oct he was acting distant and I said what is wrong he said I don’t know I knew I said I didn’t think we would have this conversation again. I said you need to make a decision he said I can’t. I said well you just did you need to leave by fri. That was the hardest thing I ever did. I was still holding on thinking he will realize what he has done nd I’ll give him 90 days. Jan came and he spent the night after Superbowl party we made love and he even said to me the next day father he held me all night extremely tight and wouldn’t let go he didn’t want the night to end when the alarm went off. 2 weeks later he said he had divorce papers I cried and he gave then to me. My son would be graduating in June and my excuse was and advice from his sister tell him you need time don’t rush me I had a lot on my plate with graduation helping my son plan for college etc. He backed off and again I thought he needs this time to realize it is a mistake. Well after my sons Grad he got upset he wasn’t included in a party the felt he was excluded from my sons activities when this was not even a party for my son another grad. Maybe this is another plan to begin acting like jerk so I would get to the point of letting go. He said he had the papers revised I went over the 1st ones nd changed a few things he promised he would continue to pay his half of the mortgage not touch my 401k nd keep the boys in the home. Then the 3rd papers he blindsided me and severed me at a restaurant. He had the waitress serve me. The papers totally changed he wants half my 401k half equity in home nd so on. That day was the day I let go this man now disgusts me. Everyday it gets worse, I don’t cry over him it saddens me the family is no longer a unit and I worry about the future financially. I do have a good job that I could take over the mortgage but it is going to be a struggle. I’ve hired n attorney now initially his papers were written by him he wanted not us to lose money by hiring an attorney. I was advised at this point I need to hire attorney. He has changed into someone I don’t know. One day after his ugliness he was at the home with my son I was at work, left a card on my bureau saying “I don’t know the man I have become” “The tongue has no bones but it’s strong enough to break a heart. “For I know my transgressions and my Sin is ever before me.” ” I’m sorry I broke your heart” then a week later he did something and pressured me on the paper. He will find out this week I hired an attorney. I know I need to move forward I just can stop shaking my head how things have gone and this was a man who I married I know he has personal issues for so long I said to myself he is pushing me away intentionally because of the mess he has made and feels he can’t fix it now which is very cowardly. I also don’t know if he is with this women if they live together or what . In the beginning he slept in his big rig but you can’t live like that forever. How do I let go of trying to find out the real truth I just want to know what the real truth is. Yes we did lack in communication and that has a lot to do with our marriage gone bad and holding on to resentments and not talking about our feelings maybe because if I Tried he would always turn it around.
    Thanks this is long but I needed to write it down
    Colleen

  112. Hi My husband of 6 years left me out of the blue 6 weeks ago he said he was unhappy and that things weren’t as they should be between us, leaving me wondering what I had done to let our marriage fail. He then revealed that he now has feelings for a woman he works with who he has been friendly with over the last 2 years. He still claims these feelings have only developed since he left me but I’m sure he has ended our marriage to be with her. I’m so broken and feel I will never get over him. I can’t stop thinking of the two of them together and wondering if they did have an affair. Will it help me to recover if I fight to know the truth or should I just accept it’s over and try and move on regardless!?